Author's Notes:

Entry into Captain Unstoppable's Spike Dash Contest!
Prompt Alpha: Use the phrase "You want me to do what!?"

Enjoy the mischief.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Rainbow Dash landed under the shade of a massive tree on the hillside, finally escaping from the unrelenting sunlight. She gave her eyes a moment to get adjusted before surveying the scene before her.

It was the day of the Cake’s annual summer picnic, held a week or so after the solstice. Originally, it had been a quiet event with only a few dozen ponies. However, it had grown over the years, and this year the mayor had co-opted it with an influx of taxpayer funds, inviting the entire village. Rainbow Dash looked down toward the lakefront, where the mayor was shaking hooves with a group of constituents and deftly dodging the occasional spray of water from the foals playing water games in the lake. Rainbow Dash crinkled her muzzle in distaste. It was not a secret to anypony that the Mayor had turned what was once a fun, close-knit event into the kickoff of her reelection campaign for the fall. Rainbow Dash, for one, did not like it.

She glanced upward at the pegasi playing sports in the sky. She had just withdrawn from there to take a break under the shade of the tree; after all, when one was a Wonderbolt, there was little challenge to be had in any aerial game.

Glancing to her left, Rainbow saw a line of grills, the ponies manning them frantically attempting to serve the long lines of ponies that had formed behind them. Contrary to popular belief, Wonderbolts did far more than carbo-load, and Rainbow Dash had attempted to grab a hay burger earlier in the evening. Alas, Derpy Hooves had been manning the grill she had lined up for, and burned her hay burger beyond any degree of edibility.

Finally, Rainbow glanced to the right, toward the picnic tables. Dozens of ponies sat chatting, munching on hay burgers, watermelon and brownies. Rainbow Dash’s eyes did not linger long on them, however. Her eyes steadied upon a singular, isolated pony at the end of the furthest picnic bench; Applejack’s brother, Big Macintosh.

Her whole body heated up as she ran her eyes over his form. He was muscular, for sure, but also large enough that he would be attractive, even if he was not such an avid worker. His silence added to his mystery, but for Rainbow Dash, his appeal lay in his masculinity. She, after all, was an inherently emasculating presence; if one could still act a full stallion when around her, they were worth her notice.

She liked the masculine type. They could go on radical, sporty vacations together. Snuggle without ponies declaring her ‘uncool’...Maybe even get married, and have a few foals...

“Are ya’ll starin’ at mah brother!?” a voice accused from behind.

Rainbow Dash jumped to attention and whirled to face her intruder in the same fashion she would have faced Spitfire barking an order at her. Instead, she found her friend Applejack glaring at her. “W-what!? No, I’m just watching, uh, the picnic!”

Applejack frowned deeply at Rainbow Dash, growling slightly.

“Geez, what’s your malfunction, AJ? I wasn’t staring at Big Mac! There’s…there’s like, no reason to!”

“Well, good,” Applejack responded flatly, still frowning. “’Cause ah didn’t want to have ‘the talk’ with you. Ain’t no need to be makin’ things awkward by getting’ sweet on your friends’ kin now. You know that, what with Zephyr Breeze an’ all.”

Rainbow blew her mane out of her face in frustration. “That joker. I want to sock him one real good every time I see his smug face.”

Applejack continued, unfazed by Rainbow Dash’s unintentional attempt to steer the conversation in another direction. “Besides, Sugarcube, it’s best that ya’ll never lay a hoof on my brother. ‘Cuz ah know you, and ah know him. And it’ll end in either a pair of broken hearts or a pair of broken bones, courtesy of yours truly. Capiche?”

Rainbow Dash swallowed nervously. Normally she would respond to threats with her trademark haughty optimism. Unfortunately however, her form was much more suited to flight and agility than to withstanding the wrath of an earth pony who made a living kicking nigh-immovable objects. “B-Bones…?”

Applejack smiled in a less-than-friendly manner. “Yup. That’s if you and he were to ever make it work. ‘Cuz the second I learn that mah troublemaking brother and good-for-nuthin’ friend are doin’ anything more than holdin’ hooves, ah’ll buck you both into next week.”

Rainbow Dash recognized that the conversation was headed down a dangerous path, and needed to be reverted quickly. “Well, this is coming from nowhere! Because I was NOT looking at Big Mac. He’s all…you know,” Rainbow Dash defended, rolling a hoof in the air as if she was making an articulate point, “And I’m not into that. Only the most radical ponies in Equestria are good enough for me!”

“Well, that’s good, then. Ah’d hate for it to be any other way.” Applejack’s demeanor lightened slightly. “Can ah get ya an apple? We brought some real ripe ones!”

“No thanks,” Rainbow waved her off, relieved. “I’m not hungry and it’s kind of a watermelon day anyway, y’know?”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “Missy, ya just love gettin’ in trouble with me, don’t ya?”

Spike was bored. Like, really bored.

He was in no mood to go and join the lively discussion regarding politics two picnic benches down, which Twilight was largely dominating. It far was too hot to play sports, and though he was hungry, Spike certainly didn’t trust anything coming off of Derpy’s grill.

He sighed. Normally he would be trying to get in some quality time with Rarity, but she was managing her Manehattan location this weekend. He could have found Starlight Glimmer and had another heart-to-heart talk with her about the meaning of life, but she was gone too, doing research in the Canterlot archives.

Spike wiped his brow. It was too hot out.

His eyes shot open.

Wait! There was one pastime that never got old; one method of passing time that, to him, was far more entertaining than any other.

The risk was worth the reward.

He was going to cause mischief.

Spike’s pupils contracted, ever so slightly, into tighter slits, and he rubbed his claws together as he claimed his victory over boredom. Alas, his triumph was not yet realized; who would he target? Who deserved to be the recipient of devilry? Who, oh who, should drown in a sea of waggery? Spike’s eyes scanned the picnic, passing over the throngs of unsuspecting ponies clumped across the hillside.

His gaze passed by the tree on top of the hill, then snapped back to it almost immediately. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were standing under it, involved pretty heavily in some form of argument. From the looks of it, Rainbow Dash was losing, and badly.

The question was extremely pertinent to Spike: why, exactly, was Rainbow Dash in trouble with Applejack? It was certainly not an uncommon phenomenon; Rainbow Dash had broken more equipment at Sweet Apple Acres than the family had in over eighty years of ownership. She was also the occasional cider-siphoner, appointment-blower-offer, and just general pain-in-Applejack’s-flank.

To Spike, however, this disagreement seemed different than usual. The tone and body language of the ponies involved was certainly peculiar, but most striking was the fact that Rainbow Dash seemed to actually be taking Applejack’s criticism seriously, withering under her gaze.

Spike began to muse. Was it possible that the source of their disagreement was present at this picnic? Had Rainbow Dash, for example, let slip that she preferred a different fruit?

His eyes began to wander again, but this time they were narrowed in concentration.

Was it, perhaps, something to do with the lake, or swimming? No, no, that would have been too easy, and neither pony was an avid swimmer, despite Applebloom and Granny Smith both being fans of aqua sports.

Food, maybe? Applejack’s skin in this area certainly was thinner than an apple’s. However, it seemed to Spike that if their patience had broken with the food, they would be off berating Derpy or Mr. Cake as a team.

Politics? Twilight’s circle of eggheads certainly seemed like it was bigger earlier…but Spike knew better. The only politics those two cared about were apple subsidies and municipal bids for sports stadiums.

His eyes settled on a hunched, red form three or four picnic tables down, at the end of the line. Big Mac was sipping from a wooden mug (presumably filled with the less-than-perfect cider the Apple family had brought as their contribution to the picnic) and poking apprehensively at a raw hay burger on his paper plate.

Now, that was a theory. Spike had certainly noticed the interesting dynamic between Big Mac and Rainbow Dash, although it didn’t appear that they were close enough to be considered ‘friends’. Still, everything that he knew about Rainbow Dash told him she would never end up dating a wimpy, insecure stallion. No, she was one of those ‘strong, independent female’ types who secretly yearned for the ‘strong, independent male’. She also- and this was only Spike’s musing, of course- would prefer a quieter type, so that she could rattle on about her many achievements and vague “awesomeness” without having to compete for time.

Big Mac, on the other hoof, was a bit of a conundrum. Spike and he were very close, or at least, as close as somepony outside the family could be. Indeed, Spike had entertained the thought that he was Big Mac’s best friend.

This knowledge of Big Mac gave him a unique insight into Big Mac’s character. He was not simply ‘quiet’…he did not want others knowing his feelings. If one broke his hard, outer shell and got him to speak normally, one would not find creamy nougat, but rather another chocolaty shell, this one perhaps impenetrable.

Still, there was no reason to believe that Big Mac did not display any chemistry toward Rainbow Dash. Spike knew that under her blustery exterior, Rainbow Dash had a bit of a soft streak, which would fit well with Mac’s propensity for kindness (which assuredly would be more intense, were they in a relationship). In addition, Big Mac always had taken care to be extra polite to his sister’s friends, Rainbow Dash included.

Plus, their color schemes fit pretty well, didn’t they?

Ultimately, Spike simply could not convince himself, intellectually, that his theory held any water. Sure, there was plenty of ‘evidence’, but it was all circumstantial, even theoretical. Despite this, Spike knew deep down that there was something there. It was not a notion that was rational, but something between Big Mac and Rainbow Dash just…clicked.

That was it, then. The chain of dominoes was in place. With any luck, the two assumptions off which he based his scheme would be correct, and the dominoes would not only fall, but explode on impact as well. If there truly was anything between Big Mac and Rainbow Dash, and that was what Applejack was arguing with Rainbow Dash about, then Spike could salvage this picnic yet. If not, well, Big Mac would recover from the embarrassment…eventually.

Spike let out a low, threatening chuckle as he wrung his claws together again, his serpentine tongue even slithering out of his mouth for a split second.

“Spikeeee….” A familiar voice chastised from behind. “What are you up to?”

Spike put on his best ‘completely innocent number one assistant’ face and turned to face Twilight, who had snuck up behind him. “Nothing, Twilight. Just enjoying the fine day, is all.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Spike, every time I’ve seen you chuckle darkly and wring your claws in a sinister manner, within 24 hours you’ve either destroyed Ponyville or engaged in some other form of elaborate misconduct.”

Spike had, for the most part, ignored her skeptical criticism, being faced with her alarming appearance. The fur on her face seemed matted with sweat, and her mane stuck out at odd angles. Her eyes, too, were open far wider than they should have been. “Twi…you look terrible. What happened?”

Twilight groaned animatedly. “What HAPPENED is that there are half a dozen so-called ‘well educated’ ponies in this town that think that the Central Bank’s policy of setting a 0% interest rate is a positive thing! But that is not the point here!”

Spike began to slowly back away from Twilight and toward the table where beverages were held.

“Spike, where are you going!? You better not be going to cause trouble!”

Thinking on his toes, Spike derailed Twilight’s train of thought. “Did you bring up the liquidity problem?”

“Liquidity! Yes, of course!” Twilight spun around, galloping back to the table where lively debate was still raging. “GET READY TO EASE THIS QUANTITATIVELY!”

Spike was free. He filled two mugs with cider, and smiled as he walked to Big Mac’s table.

It was time to engage in elaborate misconduct.

Big Mac withered under the glare of the sun, letting out a groan. He didn’t really want to be here, but his historical association with the event in the past had left just the faintest hint of an obligation resting upon his shoulders.

His ears perked up as he heard a pair of ill-defined ‘thumps’ to his left. Big Mac turned his head slightly to see that his friend and hoofball-buddy Spike had taken a seat next to him, placing two mugs of cider down on the table. Spike took a swig of one and offered the other to Big Mac with a claw.

Big Mac raised an eyebrow at Spike.

“Oh, let me guess,” Spike accused, “something about how I’m small and can’t handle any cider? Well, you forgot I’m a dragon. I burn this stuff off as fast as I drink it.” Spike blew a small, inch-long flame from his mouth. “See? I call that my pilot light…or my pilsner light.” He smiled, quite proud of himself. “Get it?”

Big Mac rolled his eyes and began drinking his new mug of cider. This batch was not his best work, but it was still cider.

Spike, on the other hoof, was berating himself mentally. He came in for the landing too hot, and he would need to let the metaphorical ship cool off before disembarking.

As such, Spike sat silently with Big Mac, making sure to keep pace with him as they both drank from their mugs. For a small dragon like Spike, it was not easy to drink as much volume as Big Mac could in the same amount of time, but he championed it out, if only for the sake of his master plan.

When they were both finished Spike grabbed both their mugs and refilled them before Big Mac could decline or protest. He brought them back, and the pair continued to drink.

After ten minutes and halfway through another refill, Spike sprung his trap.

“So…I think you should go and kiss Rainbow Dash.”

Big Mac froze, his mug halfway between the table and his mouth. He slowly lowered it, placing it down so gently that it didn’t even make a noise, and turned slightly to face Spike, a slightly puzzled expression on his face.

Spike held his breath.

“…You want me to do what?” Big Mac asked, slowly.

“Well, I mean,” Spike glanced around furtively before lowering his voice to a whisper, “between you and me, I’ve got it on pretty good authority that she’s got a thing for you. Wasn’t supposed to say anything, but hey, I’ve always got your back.”

“Ah don’t think goin’ up and kissin’ anypony out of the blue is a good idea,” Big Mac remarked. Spike recognized this not as a rejection of what was said, but a feeble attempt by Big Mac to end the conversation.

“Normally, yeah. But this is Rainbow Dash we’re talking about. She won’t agree to go on some fussy date as a trial run, or anything. She only understands…” Spike looked at the horizon, narrowing his eyes, “…action.”

Big Mac regarded him skeptically. The fact that Spike could pick out any emotions at all from his face was indicative of at least a partial success.

“Well, you do you, dude,” Spike said, falsely dismissing the conversation. “I’m just saying, that if I were in your position, and, you know, not totally into Rarity, I’d go for it. I mean, she’s super…” Spike halted himself at the edge of a verbal cliff, knowing that Big Mac was the chivalrous type, “…aesthetically pleasing.”

Big Mac turned his head forward again, although he didn’t drink for a good thirty seconds afterward, a sign that he was deep in thought.

Spike smiled. The seed of poor decision-making was planted; now all that was needed was to water it with more alcohol.

Spike nabbed Big Mac’s cup from under his nose and refilled it again. He double-checked the calculations in his head; he would never get Big Mac intoxicated with swill like this, but he didn’t need to. The goal was to lower Big Mac’s inhibitions just below the threshold required to tip that first domino. With only half a meal in his stomach, and probably being slightly dehydrated in this heat, Spike guessed that Big Mac would need this mug, and one more.

Spike grimaced. The sheer amount of liquid he had downed already meant that he would spend most of the evening peeing in Ponyville castle’s beautiful crystalline toilets. It would all be worth it, though. Spike would make sure of that.

Rainbow Dash sat on the hill, looking up at the sky and daydreaming. She totally was not daydreaming about cuddling with her friend Applejack’s brother, by the way. Not at all.

She was startled away from her thoughts when the sunlight covering her suddenly went dark. She looked up, only to find the shadowed, stoic face of the very pony she was totally not daydreaming about snuggling and kissing on the neck of ten seconds before.

Rainbow Dash scrambled to her hooves, attempting to lean against the tree coolly. Alas, the encounter with Big Mac was setting her limbs on fire, even as her entire body was immersed in an icy chill. As a result, when she spoke, she found she was completely out of breath. “Oh…*wheeze* hey Big Mac, what’s *wheeze* what’s, uh, going on?”

Big Mac stared at her, regarding her coolly and without any degree of peculiarity.

Rainbow Dash stared back, still wheezing, but absolutely enraptured in the moment.

Suddenly, Big Mac leaned forward and kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, at first, but almost immediately Rainbow Dash, surprised by her own mental reflexes, wrapped her hooves around Big Mac’s neck and deepened the kiss.

It was a quick one, as Rainbow Dash had to break away to wheeze again.

Big Mac seemed to get a little more timid. “Uh, Miss Dash, this weekend, would you like to go out to dinn-“

She nodded frantically, a full blush covering both of her cheeks. “Yeah. Yeah. That’d be awesome.”

Rainbow Dash loved this feeling, the icy heat that coursed through her veins. She pulled Big Mac into another kiss, this time pulling him toward her so that she was pressed against the tree.

It was only a few moments later that a cry erupted from perhaps forty feet away. It was not a cry of this world; it was a primal, unrelenting shriek of only the purest concentrated rage.

At once, Spike, Big Mac and Rainbow Dash knew exactly who this cry came from. In all three, it was accompanied by a surge of adrenaline, but only one of them reacted by standing and raising an arm in triumph.

Applejack tore up the hillside toward the interlopers, her war cry continuing. Her face was contorted in seething, white-hot anger.
Rainbow Dash, in an act totally not equivalent to abandoning her new love, immediately tore into the sky and away from the picnic as fast as she could.

“AH’LL FIND YA RAINBOW!” Applejack screeched, sliding to a halt underneath the tree’s shade. “AIN’T NO PRINCESS NOR DRAGON GON’ BE ABLE TO PROTECT YA FROM ME!” She froze for a moment, before shifting her entire frame toward Big Mac. “AND YOU!” she cried, a single hoof extended toward him in the purest form of accusatory gesturing possible.

Big Mac let out a meek, Fluttershy-like “eep” before darting away.

The duo scrambled all over the picnic, barging through crowds and generally causing mayhem.

Spike, meanwhile, had brought himself up on the table and was laughing maniacally at the scene. He had done it! Nopony need entertain him any more, for he had created art! The magnum opus of his mischievousness was complete!

Those ponies who had not been watching Applejack chase her brother turned to stare at the vaguely evil-looking, not-physically-intimidating, cackling dragon dancing on top of one of the picnic tables.

Unfortunately for Spike, he was so involved in his own victory that he failed to notice Big Mac barreling toward him, with the sole goal of escaping his fuming sister.

Big Mac slammed into the picnic table, flipping it away and clearing a path for his temporary escape. Unfortunately, this sent Spike flying through the sky and slamming into the group of ponies a few tables down who were still involved in lively discussions about monetary policy. He came to a halt only as he collided with Twilight’s face, sending them both careening into the ground.

The table, meanwhile, flew into Derpy’s grill, spilling hot coals over onto an open bottle of lighter fluid and starting a fire that soon engulfed half of the hill, sent the mayor running into the lake for fear of burning her election-ready face, and just generally ended the day’s festivities.

Big Mac and Rainbow Dash were not the only couple at that picnic to find love that day. Even so, it is remembered by Ponyvillians as by far the worst picnic thrown in recent memory.

But for all those involved (save, perhaps, Applejack) they would not have had it any other way.