There’s a condition that modern psychology refers to as “learned helplessness.” It was first coined in an experiment from an era that predated scientific regulation; an experiment which mixed barbarism and small dogs, subjecting the latter to intermittent electric shocks. I’ll spare you the less pleasant details, but the essential finding was as follows: after being subjected to a certain amount of inescapable pain, the subject simply gives up. Even if later given the opportunity to lessen their discomfort by moving a short distance, the subject instead opts to lie down and wait for the experience to end, conserving as much energy as possible for withstanding the torment to come

Maybe they went with “learned helplessness,” because calling it “crushing of the soul” might have made the scientists feel guilty.

At one point, I couldn't have imagined being that broken. Sure, my life could have been a lot worse, but it hadn't been a cakewalk, either; it was scattered with failed friendships, personal failures, as well as constant family conflicts and losses. But I’d never, at any point, completely lost hope - holding to the belief that if I tried earnestly enough, there was always the possibility of improving my chances.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to hold on to that ethic. Especially when the Princess of the Night just dropped the emotional equivalent of a tactical nuke.

“Wait… What?” I squeaked

“You possess the mark of the fertile enchantress.”

“Fertile… chantwhatsit?” Somewhere between my mouth and my brain, a very important piece of wiring had been cut.

“Also known as the mark of the white mage, or the lifebringer,” Luna explained patiently, sitting back down in front of me and looking at my near epileptic attempts to gesticulate my growing sense of alarm. “Didst thou wish to compose thyself?” she asked, rather flatly.

“I-“ pausing for a moment, I considered the possibility of faking a seizure and pretending to pass out until she left. Yep, for a few blissful seconds I actually considered playing dead. Brilliant plan Kate – assuming you could act worth a lick in the first place, she definitely wouldn’t think to take you to a hospital, and hospitals have worked out GREAT so far. Okay, obviously that wouldn’t have been the best idea. “I’d appreciate it if you’d fill me on the details” I admitted.

Princess Luna looked marginally uncomfortable with the idea “Very well - while Alicorns procreate in a similar manner to ponies, the prerequisite circumstances make even approaching the process highly complicated. We are barren, as dictated by nature.” A sour look flashed across her muzzle, the only hint of emotion within a perfectly maintained expression of regal stoicism. “There is never more than one. Thus, we must wait for the life-bringer. They are not always a pony though that is generally the case. Their mark will always be the same: some sort of transparent chronometer, imposed upon a variety of background shapes. If that pony does not reproduce, then it is passed on to their offspring; if that pony dies, the mark is lost until another is chosen, possibly for centuries if not longer.” If the life-bearer contacts a compatible alicorn and quickens her womb – even ‘accidentally’” Her nose twitched. “Then the mark’s magic is expended and will not be passed on.”

I put a hand up to stop her. “Wait, hold on… You know what, never-mind: I’m just going to take that in stride for now – not because it makes sense or anything – but just because it sounds completely nonsensical, which is kind of par for the course at this point.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose, pushing my glasses up slightly as I mulled it over. “Let me put a pin in the whole binding-verbal-contract-I-may-have-totally-effed-myself with for a moment and look at this logically.”

The princess nodded approvingly. “For recreation, I occasionally recite Ponin’s five-thousand classic arguments and fallacies. It would be best to commit to either inductive or deductive reasoning. I would appreciate it if we could omit abductive thought, as I find it rather silly.”

“O-Okay.” I considered it carefully, having removed my jaw from the floor, “Deductive it is. So, from what I understand I expended the mark, essentially jumpstarting your dormant reproductive system - Ipso facto, presto in vitro – But doesn’t that mean I’m just the enabler here? Why not go and get it on with Flutt- er, a pony of your preference?”

The alicorn looked at me as if I’d gone mad, head slowly cocking to the side. “I find your lack of proofs disturbing.”

“Er. Reasoning aside, do you get my meaning?”

“If the mark-bearer and the alicorn do not… ‘lay’ … together-“ Luna’s cheeks turned the slightest tint of red. “-and conceive, the bloodline would be lost, or worse, corrupted by if somepony incompatible sired the heir. The latter of which would end in utter misery and disaster.”

“Corrupted?” I asked, my voice raising several syllables at the end in a manner that was not particularly flattering.”

“Yes. We… I... was in a similar situation once before, eons ago. Only then, I surrendered to emotion instead of reason. The twins that resulted were… problematic, to say the least.” For the first time Luna looked away from me, a slight quiver in her forelegs.

“What… what happened to them?” Pushing the topic earned me a well-deserved glare.

“You’ve likely met one, though you would not know it.” she stated vaguely, refusing to elaborate. “They were asymmetrical in every sense of the word. As alicorns, both were relatively weak, however, one was foalish and whimsical while the other was dark and cunning.” She shook her head. “The dark one – “Nightmare,” as she came to be so lovingly known - was a parasite before she even came to term. It was clear at birth when one was born a scraggly, frizzy mess, missing both horn and wings while the other was far larger and possessed both. It was clear what had happened, but what was I to do? Turn my back on the foals I waited so long for?” Luna leaned forwards. “Maybe that was the right choice, but I was one I could not abide. Nightmare attached herself to me and eventually took control. Thou canst likely fill the remaining blanks.”

Well, no, I really couldn’t. We were talking about the perpetuation of a race previously thought to be immortal, prophecies, and completely blurring the lines between reality and fiction. The esoteric fog wasn’t entirely unfamiliar; worlds away, yet I managed to get stuck in the single equestrian equivalent of an upper level philosophy class.

“Yeah. I get it.”

“...Really?” She questioned, regarding me with a newfound curiosity and the slightest hint of relief.

“Yep. Perpetuation of an endangered species - a species that holds demi-goddess tier influence over an entire world - depends entirely on the future application of my girly-parts, and the implicit betrothal said application represents. Clear as asphalt.” It wasn’t until I finished speaking that I realized my voice was about an octave too high, crescendoing like the end of Tchaikovsky's 18th overture.

She scooted closer, towering over me, and I fought the impulse to scoot away. “It comforts me that you understand the weight of the situation at hand. But do not speak of thyself as an object to be used. Though our circumstances are dictated by fate, thou would be cherished.

“Right. Not an object. Got it.”

“Very good.” An ancient looking scroll materialized with a bright flash, papyrus wound tightly on an ornamental jade roll. “Let us look over some of the legal requirements of the princess consort.”

Consort. Lovely.

Clearing her throat, Luna began listing items of the contract with the enthusiasm of a traffic court judge.

“As Consort, thou shalt not bear the foals of any other than the divine holder of the contract, as it is thy station to provide a royal heir. Thou shalt not enter a marked union with anypony other than thy betrothed.

Yeah. Not really any desire to do so, seeing how the whole ordeal went last time.

“It is not thy legal obligation to partake in divine intercourse, though it would be best for all parties involved if it is thy choice to do so.”

Hurray, I have the right of consent! Somebody break out the goddamn champagne.

“Thou shalt not partake in processed food or meat once seed has quickened within thee.”

Future as a pregnant vegan? Yeah... let’s just... put that champagne away.

“Thou shalt not attempt to sway political matters of the courts by means of position.”

Oh no, there goes my aspirations of being a political sycophant.

“Thou shalt not divulge information regarding the alicorn reproductive system to the public, as it is vital such information remains secret.”

What- Then how am I supposed to explain the whole “suddenly engaged to a princess thing???

“Thou shalt be assigned a personal aid, who shall stay at thy side, at all times, monitoring thy personal well-being and health.”

And… there goes any possibility of privacy. Crap.

“Thou shalt remain within the palace at all times, unless accompanied by armed guard.”

Double crap.

She trailed off, muttering. “And to think I was upset the ancient tongue was abandoned. It will take quite some time to cover all of this; for now, the final tenant is the most important. As wedded consort, you will hold no small value as a hostage to powers prone to such dishonorable tactics. Thereby, it is paramount that you never leave the bounds of Equestria - the risk that other countries might use you as leverage is far too high.” The list had read like a homoerotic rendition of the ten commandments, each iteration increasingly damning, but that one was the final nail in the coffin of my suffocating state of mind.

You’ll never leave this place, Kate. You’re stuck here.”

Laying back was a mistake, as supine is not the ideal position for a panic attack. I was hyperventilating like a great dane with a deviated septum in the midst of an asthma episode. My attempts to push myself over failed, bumping my head against the ground repeatedly as I failed to push myself up.

Unfortunately, Princess Luna interpreted the staggered breathing and thrashing as the future consort throwing a hissy fit. “Wait, there are advantages to holding such a bearing!” She panicked, looking over me with obvious concern. I pointed to my throat with a wheeze, trying to indicate the issue at hand. She reached down and pecked the side of my neck chastely, as if to prove her point. “See? I am displaying affection. Affection has been displayed."

Urk.

I will recognize you publicly as my own. And, um-” She ran a hoof through her mane, thinking of what to say. All things considered, she was being rather reasonable - the lack of oxygen was undermining my ability to say so. “You will only have the finest things, dresses, regalia, and servants!” I could tell she was becoming exasperated by the rising tempo of her voice. “If you wish, you could have a few dozen pets of your choosing… This series of events is not ideal for anypony, on any conceivable metric. Am I that frightening? Is the very thought of my company so inherently nauseating?” She searched my expression, and for a moment, I saw the slightest hint of vulnerability; it was only a glimmer, but a glimmer from her was likely the mortal equivalent of a pony breaking down completely.

Princess Luna had been banished for a thousand years, denied the even the small comforts of saying goodbye to loved ones passing as she outlived them in isolation. Due to the unfortunate consequences of my mistakes, it was becoming increasingly likely I’d never see mine again.

It wasn’t much of a parallel, but perhaps there was some solace in the fact that fate had screwed us both.

I calmed down a bit, beckoning her closer whilst trying to regain my breath. She leaned down, ears raising attentively. “Can’t... breathe...” I rasped. I’d never had an attack this bad before - The haze around my vision began to encroach, threatening loss of consciousness. Luna stood swiftly, out of view.

The princess’ levitation was remarkably kinder on the body than Twilight’s had been, though it still left me feeling as if I’d been lifted by a very firm chair. Raised to my knees, I felt blessed oxygen enter my body, relieving the burning in my lungs

Still gasping, I looked over. The night Princess watched me attentively, as if concerned I might fall apart at any moment - not far off base, but worrying her was unnecessary. “Sorry...” I managed.

“No. The fault is mine. I assume too much.” While much of the formality in her voice had returned, it was not as compassionless as it had seemed before. The alicorn stood, removing bits of grass and foliage from her coat with a pulse from her horn, sending them floating to the ground simultaneously. “Now, in the spirit of cooperation, would thou be willing to oblige a small request?”

“Maybe. What did you have in mind, Princess?”

Wow. Look at that. Asking details before you agree to something. And here I thought you weren’t capable of learning from your mistakes.

“The responsibility of ceremony preparations generally falls to the pony of higher standing.” She loomed a good foot over me, and my eyes narrowed ever so slightly. If it wasn’t for the somber tone of the conversation I would have gotten the feeling she was making a jab at my height. “It’s been awhile since I’ve been in a store.”

“A while?”

She huffed, obviously not accustomed to having to explain herself. “The last time I was in a store, the official currency was paper adorned with my sister’s face, and baby griffons were still sold as household pets. Are you available now?”

Faking a smile was much harder than I anticipated. The tiny rubber ducky of hope I had allowed to rise to the surface of my murky psyche had been thoroughly and repeatedly harpooned – it slowly deflated, circling the drain listlessly as my will to fight preceded it.

“Of course. We are running out of time, I suppose.”

There was a new, more brutal sense of weight settling on me. It was paralyzing, nestling firmly upon my ability to reason and come up with ideas: I was trapped. Flippant as I had been since arriving, I’d tried to make due with the hand I’d been dealt. Was I blameless? No, no one ever is. As far as I was concerned, I’d simply began to recognize the nature of my predicament: I was Tantalus, confined to the darkest pits of the underworld - surrounded by the things I most needed, only to have them yanked from reach the moment I drew near.

Maybe she wants to go shopping in Canterlot.

Apparently, we had a spy pony infestation, as it seemed everyone in Ponyville knew of the arrangement before we even returned to town. And of course, it was Carousel Boutique that caught the Princesses’ eye. It had to be Carousel Boutique.

“Which do you prefer Princess?” A very unhappy looking white unicorn asked, her gaze lingering on me darkly as she levitated two different materials in our direction. “While pink would be acceptable, I’m rather fond of red. It’s the traditional color of betrayal - pardon me - betrothal after all.”

“Is it?” Luna asked with muted interest, completely ignorant of the ongoing subtext. “If so, mainstays of traditional attire has drastically over the last few centuries.”

“Indeed it has - I dare say fashion itself is always changing.” Rarity set the two fabrics down on the side counter, not missing a beat. “That makes it a fickle thing, for those of us in the industry…” She looked at me over her glasses. “…just when you think you fully understand it, it turns around and bites you in the derriere.” Regardless of my royal attachments, if looks could kill, Rarity would have sent me the way of Marie Antoinette. I ran through half a dozen ways I might explain the situation, each of them sounding less believable than the next.

Gee whiz Rarity, you got it all wrong.

See, a ghost made me do it.

If it hadn’t scared me, I wouldn’t have accidentally jump-started the princess-

Which just so happened to make me the only one who can give her an heir-

Funny thing is, it wouldn’t have worked that way if I still had the tramp-stamp, which I’d only been free of for about half an hour!

Oh, and even if you were dumb enough to believe any of this, guess what? The best part is, I can’t actually tell you about it because of the non-disclosure agreement!

There was nothing – absolutely nothing - I could say that would make any difference. It was over; Equestria had won. I was only vaguely aware that the conversation directed towards me in the shop. My focus was entirely fixated on the veil that Rarity had selected and placed in my hands: A frilly white headband with the traditional covering on the front. It was a simple, beautiful piece - yet, my hands were shaking. I didn’t see a veil; I saw something else entirely. The thing in my hands was commitment given form, a culmination of a long list of failures.

Rarity yawned, covering her mouth in embarrassment. “Pardon my rudeness, it was a terribly late night. I was up late comforting a terribly heart-sick mare.”

I froze. Please don’t

Luna frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that. Perhaps I could make an informal request for Princess Cadance to intervene on her behalf, as thanks for services rendered?”

“You’re kind to offer, Princess,” Rarity smiled sadly, “But I’m afraid her situation is likely beyond repair. She’s a silly pony who trusts far too easily. There’s little to be done but act as her shoulder to cry on.”

Somehow, picturing Fluttershy crying as a result of my action was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Apathy has always been my defense mechanism, only now it was in overdrive. It pulled me back to that old familiar, wonderfully empty place, where nothing matters and everything simply is. My head tilted down and my eyes lost focus.

“Human- Kate? Is that necklace to your liking?” It took a moment to realize that my zombified gaze had unintentionally fallen upon a small collection of accessories in the glass case below. For whatever reason, my eyes had settled on a simple sterling silver brooch depicting a parakeet in mid-flight. Shaking my head no would have required too much effort, so I tried to shrug. It came out more like a small flinch. Luna’s attempted to whisper discretely, though the difference in height made the act anything but subtle.

The brooch was lifted from under my gaze, highlighted in a light blue glow of magic matching Rarity’s horn as she emotionlessly placed the brooch in a box and passed it to Luna. Oh look, we have similar taste in jewelry. How adorable. Before the sarcastic thought could even finish, the box was held out tentatively. “A gift, if it pleases thee.” The princess was obviously trying to look nonchalant, but the slight blush of her cheeks betrayed her.

I took it with as much graciousness as I could muster. “...It’s lovely, thank you.” It sounded like someone else’s voice - Someone empty, tired, and monotone.

I felt awful. I’d spent twenty minutes trying to get Fluttershy to open the door before I’d left - Not because I gave up, but because every squirrel in the Everfree forest had apparently allied to rally against the curly-haired alien laying siege to her door. There were acorn shaped bruises everywhere.

When that failed, I just started to walk, no destination in particular. Typically I would have avoided walking around so early in the evening, I guess, all things considered even the gawking eyes of strangers were preferable to facing the inevitable conversation with Twilight.

“Oh hey. Thanks for your help with that thing.”

“No problem. Everything work out okay?”

“Definitely. I mean I kind of screwed it all up, completely ruined Fluttershy’s life and traded one entanglement for another - kinda engaged to the Princess now - At least I got rid of the tramp-stamp though, am I right?”

So instead I’d walked. For once, the stares and whispers that followed me hadn’t seemed to matter, I was just beyond caring. I’m sure they were still present, at some point I guess I’d just stopped caring. I’d walked back to the library on auto-pilot and circled it, leaving its orbit at a random point, walking a straight line to an unknown direction. The acres’ fence had apparently not appreciated my aimlessness, as it elected to defiantly stand in my way.Interesting that I’d end up here, of all places. The note AJ had left me was still balled up in my pocket. Leaving would have been the smart move, but I was too numb to exercise intelligence. Boredom and mundane curiosity drove me forward, as I found the Acres to be oddly tranquil. Where is everypony?

I hopped the fence, sound of crunching grass beneath my feet the only audible noise, passing beneath the lengthy shadows of the signature fruit trees. The orchard itself was abandoned, as was the area in front of the barn. I continued to walk, squinting into the setting sun.

The curious case of the misplaced earth ponies was solved quickly as it had developed. A light was on in the farmhouse kitchen, the scent of baked goods lingered in the air, the atmosphere inside warm and cheery. I watched from some distance away as Applejack served her sister a portion of pie. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, of course, but the interaction was so over the top and full of life I didn’t need to.

Applebloom looked from her piece to AJ mournfully, likely calling her sister on the miserly serving. AJ compared her slice to Applebloom’s, teasing her for being such a little piggy before stealing a bite of her pie. Naturally, this was perceived as an act of war and resulted in an escalating poking/tickling match that was eventually broken up by Granny. Moments later they were joined by a simple looking red stallion - presumably Big Mac - who brought his plate to the table and dug right in.

They talked, smiled, and laughed amongst themselves, passing around various dishes and toppings.

I tried to imagine what would have happened had the disaster of the previous day not occurred; If I’d accepted her invitation and met them. I simply couldn’t. If I’d shown up at the dinner unprepared it would have terrified me. I couldn’t see myself among them at all; Rubbing elbows/forelegs with AJ and laughing at Applebloom’s antics, complementing Granny Smith’s cooking… it all seemed so abstractly novel. It was like trying to form a mental image of one of those impossible geometric shapes in 3D space: no matter how I looked at it, it simply didn’t work. I couldn’t picture it.

Realizing what I was doing could probably be misconstrued as peeping, I turned to leave.

I didn’t get farther than six steps. “Ah suppose that means you ain’t stayin’ for desert?” A drawling voice questioned.

Damn. I turned, caught red handed. AJ may have not had her arms crossed, but her eyebrows more than made up for the lack of arms.

“Thought I might stop by. Didn’t mean to bother you all in the middle of dinner, the time got away from me. I’ll see myself out.”

“It’s no bother, though you about scared the be-alicorn outta’ Applebloom.” AJ snickered, pointing to the kitchen window, where a yellow foal was pressed against the panes, terrified. “Slendermane’s out in the orchard AJ! Ah swear, she’s hidin’ behind the tree over yonder!” Her grin lessened, transitioning into a harder expression. “There’s been a lot of talk ‘round town concerning you and Princess Luna.”

“Things... got complicated.” Understatement of the friggin year.

“You got anythin’ to say for yerself?”

“I’m an idiot.”

“Well Ah knew that.” she rolled her eyes, tossing her braid around to the other side of her body. “Look - by all rights Ah should be mad at you. Guess Ah am… a little. But unlike Rarity, I don’t think this was some hairbrained scheme to get at the princess. Ah think we both know you ain’t that coordinated.” Applejack winked suggestively, and I felt myself turning red.

“My eye hand coordination is above par, thank you very much.” I shot back, a little too quickly.

“Well sure, I’m just sayin’ - could use some practice in the rhythm and consistency department.” She wiggled an eyebrow. “Ah digress. What Ah mean to say is I think I know you, and I think yer gonna’ try and make it right.”

I couldn’t even fake a smile at that. It was too supportive - support I didn’t begin to deserve.

“Wait. You are gonna’ try and fix things, aren’t ya?” She blinked in confusion, as if doubting me for the first time after the lack of response.

Why bother. Everything I do inevitably backfires.

I hadn’t said it out loud, of that I was certain. She must have seen it in my eyes, as I saw the anger in hers. She had reached up and tugged on me with a foreleg. The look on her face was so fierce I winced, almost expecting her to slap me - again, being slapped by a pony is basically equivalent to being punched in the face.

“Ah can understand if things don’t work out for us. Ah get it - But you can’t just up and leave Fluttershy out to dry. It. Ain’t. Right.” She emphasized each word, staring intensely. Having regained my balance I stood, freeing myself from her clutches.

“Message received.” For the second time, I barely recognized the sound of my own voice.

Applejack seemed to see far beyond the words I spoke into the fractured thoughts behind them. I’d probably have taken another flying baby unicorn to the stomach as an alternative to the look of disappointment on her face - the former would have been far less painful.

“So that’s it then. ‘Duly noted’ Applejack, thanks for your concern. Ah... Ah need to get back.” The farm pony turned, taking a few dejected steps back towards the house and pulling her Stetson over her eyes. “For what it’s worth...” she said over her shoulder, “Ah really did come to like you.”

“You too.” It was the truth. Yet, the words never left my lips. I watched in silence as Applejack returned to the house, the usual pep in her trot entirely absent. Taking one last look, the thought occurred to me that I envied them. The Apple family had overcome whatever unspoken tragedy had beset them - regardless what it was. Their house - their home was no longer a broken place, each member coming together to form something greater than the sum of their parts.

In contrast watched a phantom in the dark, barely able to pick up her own pieces, let alone transcend them. Who was I kidding? Even if I was free of obligation and managed to sort out my feelings, Applejack deserved better regardless. I crumpled the invitation, walking away to nowhere in particular once more.

The train’s whistle sounded loudly, signaling its imminent departure as a straggler shoved his baggage through the automatic doors before they shut. The locomotive began to move. As with the preceding departures, I watched it with fading interest from my seat on the bench until the chipped caboose disappeared over the crest of a distant hill. I’d chosen it as a resting place solely because it was the evening’s least populated venue, situated a comfortable distance away from everypony. The only one who’d taken actual notice of me was a gray coated pony working the ticket booth who seemed more apprehensive than curious, likely concerned I might hop a train without a ticket.

It was an ideal place to collect my thoughts... in theory.

Naturally, I hadn’t accounted for the whistles.

Because of them, every arrival was a screeching klaxon, unceremoniously jarring me back to reality. Odd as it may sound, I began to resent the cheery trains – Looking past the confines of steel, frame, I began to view them as the attention whores of public transportation. I mean one whistle is understandable, two is a bit much, but three? They were obviously laughing in my face: Oh hai there - look at me! I’m freer than you are, and I’m on rails.

Note to self: When inanimate objects manage to criticize you solely by existing, it’s a good indicator your perspective may be taking a turn for the cynical.

I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t occurred to me to hop on board one of the little bastards, making an escape into the sunset. While the idea was certainly charming, apathy thoroughly crushed any serious notion of doing so. Low and desperate as I was, I was no fool. While enticing, escaping into the countryside was a melodramatic and temporary fix to a permanent problem. Even if I managed to elude the powerful goddess capable of flight and teleportation - a preposterously big if - it wouldn’t change anything. Unlike the train, I was fully aware of my circumstances. Leaving would accomplish nothing other than orbiting an invisible set of tracks, sounding my whistle stupidly to celebrate the appearance of choice in ignorant adulation.

Unlike the train, over the course of the day’s events I’d come to accept reality: Freedom was merely illusion. However long its journey, the train would eventually come full circle. It didn’t matter if it stalled or switched tracks. Sooner or later it would inevitably return here, whistling the same tone, annoying some other bystander: its entire existence a circular exercise in repetition.

Kate... shouldn’t you be trying to find a solution? Twilight would be-

“Wasting her time on a lost cause...” I murmured, to no one in particular. I’d relied on her too much already. Working with me had probably been a conflict of interest for her from the start; now it was practically guaranteed, all the paperwork and agreements undoubtedly shrouding the difficulties in further complications. Why put her in a compromising position for a solution that would inevitably fail? Why expend the energy on a losing battle?

So you’re just accepting it, then? Quitting?

“Acceptance is a sign of maturity. Guess that means I’m all grown up.” I chuckled bitterly.

Nice words… from the coward hiding at the train station, wallowing in self-pity.

Was I a coward? Maybe, I didn’t really care enough to think about it too seriously. All I knew for certain was how utterly exhausted I felt: tired of perpetuating the endless cycle of frying pan to fire, tired of watching well-meaning effort shattered, time and time again.

Given the daunting nature of the rock and hard place I found myself situated between, fighting it seemed like little more than an exercise in futility – and denial.

“Ma’am… Ma’am?” The gruff looking unicorn from the booth called loudly. At some point he’d left his office to tidy up, sweeping the area outside the ticket booth. Judging by the annoyed look, I got the impression it probably wasn’t the first time he’d tried to catch my attention. “Next train won’t be in ‘til six tomorrow morning. Not my place to tell you your business, but it’s probably best to head home.”

Home.

“I’ll be leaving momentarily. Just thought I might watch the stars a while longer.”

“Suit yourself.” The crotchety old pony shrugged and continued locking up. He blew out the lantern before he left, bathing the station in darkness. I closed my eyes, letting the newfound tranquility draw me in.

CHOOO CHOOO

I lurched clear off the bench, landing hard on my palms. The scare from the whistle nearly killed me – I could feel my pulse beating a mile a minute in my chest. It felt like I’d only relaxed for a second, but I must have dozed off-

CHOOO CHOOO

Alright train. I’m going to hurt you now.

Fantasies of removing said whistle with a hacksaw and tossing it into the train’s coal compartment were short lived – to my credit, I didn’t realize until later that doing so would be forcing Thomas the douchebag train into auto cannibalism. Any anger I felt quickly vanished when the odd inconsistency struck me: I could barely see my hand.

Is it still night?

Looking up provided the answer: the moon still showed brightly, slightly obscured by moody clouds of the overcast night sky. There was no hint of sunlight on the horizon. Had I dreamt the whistle? I wasn’t sure what to think; at least until I turned towards the tracks.

Oh. I’m dreaming.

That was the only explanation, as what I was seeing couldn’t possibly be real. A train had come to a stop in the darkness of the station platform. The engine and cars weren’t just dark, though; there were no discernable details to them, giving the entire locomotive the otherworldly appearance of a silhouette given form. It made no sense. While the moon might have been dim, it was certainly present. Yet, the train was entirely absent of illumination, light itself appearing to bend around in an effort to avoid the aberration entirely. Though I couldn’t spot the movement, there was a quiet whoosh, indicating that the train’s side doors had slid open. It wasn’t what I saw that sent my heart racing – it was still impossible to make out any details of the interior – rather, it was what I felt.

As the outside looked wrong, the middle car’s unseen doors had opened to something that felt wrong. Not evil or sinister per say, rather it felt like there was a void, an absence of matter resulting in an unforgettable sensation of nothingness. What really got under my skin, however, was the déjà vu.

I’ve felt this before… but when?

CHOOO CHOOO

Come on Kate, think. It was maddeningly familiar, and I couldn’t shake impression that the answer was extremely important. It reminds me of something, something in particular. Not floating exactly - the answer hit me like a slap in the face. The night I went to see Allison. That night. I lost my balance and fell-

I’d only felt it for a second; a peculiar absence that had barely registered in the panic of free-fall. First it was cold, plummet through the freezing temperature like razors on my skin; Then – well it was still freezing because of the height, but I’d been able to feel the sun.

But for barely more than a second between the two, I felt what I was feeling now: absence; a total void.

The way home.

By the time the thought fully registered I was already on my feet sprinting towards it. I wasn’t about to question the sudden charity of providence, or the possibility I might be dreaming. If it wasn’t real, I didn’t stand to lose anything. However, it certainly didn’t feel like a dream, and if it was really happening, I couldn’t shake the feeling it was the sort of opportunity I wasn’t going to get twice.

CHOOO CHOOO

That was the third whistle. If the timing was the same as the other trains, I was barely going to make it. Terror and adrenaline pushed me beyond all feasible limits, I leaned forward, preparing to leap through the doorway the moment I closed enough ground –

HYPOCRITE.

The single thought brought me to a screeching halt, as I’d used the train doorframe to stop myself all my surplus momentum exchanged for the massive stinging in my palms. Inches from salvation… and I stopped.

Yeah. This isn’t ideal. You don’t belong here. It’s probably because of you that things have fallen apart the way they have. But with the way things are now, running away doesn’t benefit anyone... other than you, Kate.

Maybe it was my imagination, but I could almost smell it. It smelled of I-hop, cigarette smoke, popcorn, and car exhaust; Mixed in were hints of cheap perfume, alcohol and dilapidated dreams. It smelled wonderful.

It smelled like home.

I wanted to move forward so much it made me sick. But the thought of leaving everything as it was made me feel worse. My time there hadn’t exactly done me any favors. It started off a on the wrong foot, almost literally. Anything that immediately dissolves into outrunning the sexual equivalent of a lynch mob can’t really be considered as starting well. There’d been an excessively high amount of personal injury, and no small number of significantly embarrassing indiscretions. Yet there’d been plenty of good memories too.

Twilight’s constant research on my behalf, I don’t even want to know what would have happened without the glasses. Pinkie… well, she didn’t let me die I suppose. Rainbow Dash’s lesson on Pegasus anatomy – er, the second one, anyway. Rarity’s gifts – I had a single outfit to my name, now there’s half a closet full. Applejack… well, you know. Fluttershy…

And what would I be giving in exchange, if I left now? Best case scenario it’s disloyalty, and worst case it’s regicide via inaction and stupidity. The fact that it was mostly due to oversight and unforeseen consequences was irrelevant. It was my responsibility.

“GOD DAMN IT!” I kicked one of the closing doors viciously, probably leaving a dent as I’m pretty sure kicking it broke my pinkie toe – which, on a side note, never has curled the same way again.

I’d wish I could say I immediately felt good about the decision: all warm and fuzzy for making the “right” choice. Truth was I didn’t. It was the middle of the night and I was freezing, hopping about like a moron, trying to keep balance on one working foot and seeing stars every time I failed to do so. There wasn’t much triumphant about it, I was grumpy, and terrified I’d just blown my only shot of getting home.

Instead of the noise creaking axles and wheel against rail as I’d expected, the train didn’t start moving. A few seconds later, a whoosh sounded behind me.

Did the doors… just… open again?

The guttural growl that emerged from the opening instantly sent chills down my spine. Blue, reptilian eyes leered at me through the darkness, a hand reaching out and grabbing my wrist with an alarming amount of force.

“Allow me to spare you the simpering conundrum.” It giggled maniacally. Something struck my leg as she yanked me, knocking me off balance and sending me tumbling into the void within.

Author's Notes:

AN: Well, sorry to make y’all wait for what ended up being a kind of melancholy chapter. If its any consolation, this is probably the emotional low point of the story. The crisis of identity is necessary for what I have in mind for the next part, a BIG reveal I've had in mind since the first chapter - which is partially why I cut this chapter a little short, as the scenes a biggun. This wasn't pre-read, so don't crucify me over an error or two XD. Didn't want to be like "HERE READ" to editing team extrordinaire after a month off. Again, I'm sorry about the delay on this - Long story short, I was talked into going on an Impromptu vacation, which I wasn't looking forward to, but it turns out I kind of needed. I’ll elaborate in a blog post tomorrow, most likely - Also, there are actual a bunch of things in the works I'll be posting about there as well. Anyway, I'm back so I'll actually start replying to comments again :)