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The Ballad of Smarty Pants

by Shakespearicles

Chapter 1: My Very Best Friend

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Author's Notes:

Warning: Feels ahead.

My name is Smarty Pants. I don't remember when I was made. My earliest memory is when I first met my best friend. Her name is Twilight Sparkle. And I want to tell you all about her.

Her mother introduced us. When I first met Twilight she was still very young. She was still in diapers, but that was okay, I liked her anyway. I was still excited to meet her. I practically jumped out of her mother's hooves. Twilight gave me a big hug as soon as we met. She didn't say anything. She was still too young to speak words. But she didn't have to. Her hug told me everything I needed to know.

We were going to be best friends forever.

We were inseparable. Wherever she went, I went. She would show me the new foods she would try. She would tell me the new words she would learn.

She was a good teacher.

When she was happy, she would laugh and we would dance together. When she was sad, she would come hug me. And it helped her feel less sad. When the clouds would make the scary thunder, we would hide together under the covers. I was afraid of the dark.

"It's okay," she said. "I'm a scared of the dark too." She hugged me. I would never let anything bad happen to her. And I knew she would never let anything bad happen to me.

She was a good friend.

I wanted to be a good student. She gave me a notebook, just like the one she had when she began to write. We would learn all kinds of things together. Twilight loved to learn, and she loved to teach. She loved me. And I love her.

She was such a fast learner. In no time she was out of her diapers. Her parents even gave her a little chalkboard, so she could pretend to be a teacher. But she didn't need to pretend. She was a real teacher.

"What is two plus two?" She asked, writing it on the chalkboard.

Four! The answer is four!

"Yes, the answer is four!" she said.

She helped write it in the notebook for me with the quill. I was never very good at writing it by myself. I was so proud that I got the answer right. Twilight was very proud of me too. It made her happy. And that made me happy too. That's all I ever wanted, was for her to be happy. I'll never forget that day.

As Twilight got a little older, she started studying even more. I was there to help of course. She told me she was getting ready for an important test. I had taken tests before. It's when she asks you what two plus two is. And you say four. That's what a test is. I knew Twilight could do it.

We went outside with her parents for a walk. I loved going outside with her. I would ride in her saddle bag, and look at the things outside. It didn't matter where we went. As long as I was with her. As long as I was with my best friend in the whole wide world, Twilight, it would be good.

We went to a new place that day. It was big and scary. I could hear Twilight's heart beating faster from inside her bag. I didn't like being there if it scared her. I wanted to just leave and go home, where it was safe and everything was happy. But Twilight had to go here to do her test. And I wasn't about to leave her side.

They brought out a big egg, and told her that she had to open it with her magic. I remembered when we would cook at home, and Twilight would open eggs with her hooves. She tried with her magic once or twice but she dropped them and it made a mess on the floor. She had to clean it up after, and she looked sad. It's okay. You'll get it right next time.

Twilight looked nervous. She had to open the egg with her magic but it was so big. It was bigger than any egg I had ever seen before. She tried. She tried really hard, but nothing happened.

"I'm sorry I wasted your time," she said.

She looked so sad and disappointed. I wanted to climb out of the bag and help her, but I always had trouble with the flap. I nearly had it but then there was a loud noise. It was like thunder, but louder. I ducked back into the bag, under the covers, waiting for Twilight to join me so we could hide. I heard her yell and I could see flashes of lightning. The thunder had gotten her! I tried to help but I was too scared to move. I was so ashamed that I didn't go to help her when she needed me most. But almost as soon as it happened, it was over.

I peeked out of the bag. Twilight was okay. There was another, tall pony there with a horn and wings! Her mane was shiny and wavy. Twilight started jumping around, excited.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"

I didn't know what had happened, but the egg was open. Twilight was happy. So I was happy too. All I'd ever wanted was for her to be happy. Afterwards, Twilight picked up our bag and we went home. As soon as we got back to our bedroom she showed me what she was so excited about.

"Smarty Pants, look it, look it!" she said.

She had finally gotten her Cutie Mark! It was beautiful, just like her.

I didn't have mine yet.

"You'll get yours someday." she said, and she gave me a big hug.

It was okay that I didn't have a Cutie Mark. She still loved me. And I loved her.

One day, Twilight said we were moving. Just me and her. Like an adventure in her story books that she would read to me. She was excited, so I was excited too! We went back to the big place where she had her big test. We saw the tall pony with a horn and wings. Twilight told me that her name is Princess Celestia. Twilight liked to talk about her. She would say how pretty she was. I guess she was pretty. But I still liked Twilight better.

We got a new bedroom in the big place. A brand new bedroom and bed. Twilight and I got on the bed and jumped up and down. She was excited and happy. So I was too. While we were there, I met Spike. Spike is a dragon. Dragons are different from ponies. He came from the egg that Twilight opened. Twilight said that ponies don't come from eggs. So I don't think I came from an egg either.

Twilight told me that we were living in a school now. A school is where teachers live. Teachers are older ponies like Twilight's mom who know stuff. Twilight was a student. Students learn stuff. And Twilight loved to learn. Learning made Twilight happy. And that made me happy.

Twilight went to different rooms with different teachers to learn different things. I would ride along in the bag. Twilight didn't talk to me very much in the learning rooms. She had to pay attention to the teachers. But every now and then, she would need something in her bag and she would see me and smile. I made her happy. I was so glad that I could make her happy.


One day we were going to a special room called a lab. Twilight had a special box of toys for the lab called tools. But on the way there, the box opened and one of the tools cut my hoof. It hurt. My stuffing started to fall out. I wanted to call out to her, but Twilight told me we had to be quiet in the learning rooms or else she would get in trouble. I didn't want to get her in trouble. So I stayed quiet.

I was so scared. As the bag moved and shifted, more of my stuffing fell out, and got lost inside the bag. I cried. But I cried quietly. I didn't want to get her in trouble.

I don't know where we were. But I think Twilight must have heard the tools clattering loose inside the bag. She opened the bag to gather them up and she saw me. She froze, and put her hoof over her mouth. She was sad. She started to cry. Her tears fell on my cheeks. She quickly put the tools back in the box and made extra sure that it was closed. She closed the bag and I could feel her running. I could hear her hooves striking the ground quickly.

When she opened the bag again, we were back in her new bedroom. She picked me up in her hooves. A lot of my stuffing had fallen out. My hoof was completely flat. I didn't feel right. But she held me close, and hugged me as she cried. Her hug felt good at least. But I didn't want her to cry.

"I'm sorry," she said.

It was okay. It wasn't her fault. She was a good friend. She told me she had to go to the book place to get a book. Twilight loved books. That would make her happy again. That was all I wanted. I waited for her on the bed. Sometimes when she goes to the book place, she is gone for a long time. This time she wasn't gone very long.

She only got one book, and another small box. It was a white box with a red addition sign on it.

That means plus, right Twilight? Two plus two equals four. You taught me that. You were so proud of me. Remember?

The box had a piece of fabric and a little metal toothpick with a small bit of string. Spike was with her now, and he helped hold the adding box. She read the book about 'sewing' and put the string in the metal pick. She put the cloth on my hoof. It was a different color than my fur. She gathered up all of my stuffing from the bag and helped to put it back inside my hoof. She put the cloth over the cut and pointed the metal pick at my hoof. It looked scary.

"I'm sorry. Don't be scared," she said.

She told me not to be scared. So I wasn't. But she still looked sad. She still cried when she poked me. It hurt a little, but it mostly felt better to have my stuffing back. When she was all done, the hole was all better. She smiled again. She was happy. So I was happy. She even had a lolly pop for me for being such a good patient, like her doctors gave her. I don't really like lollies, so I let her have it. She seemed like she needed it more anyway.


As Twilight got older, she learned more. We would stay up late with Spike and she would read bigger books with bigger words. The stories didn't make as much sense, and they were kind of boring. But Twilight said that it was very important that she remember them for more tests. She started talking to Spike more often than me. Especially when he started talking too. I was never much of a talker myself. I was more of a listener. I was happy that Twilight had another friend. The tall one, Celestia, kept saying that she needed more friends. I didn't need any more friends.

Twilight was all I needed.

When she got a letter from Celestia to go to Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration, she packed only the things that she knew she needed in her luggage. She was finishing up and she saw me on the bed, in my usual spot. She picked me up and hugged me. She loved to hug me. She put me in my special place in her saddle bag for when we went on adventures together. I didn't know where Ponyville was, but it was someplace new that we had never been before. So that made it an adventure. And away we went, into the unknown. Away we went, together.

Twilight met a lot of new ponies in Ponyville. But there were a few that she saw more often than others. She went on new adventures with them. Sometimes with me in her bag. Sometimes not. But that was okay. I didn't mind waiting. Twilight always came home to me. I would always be waiting for her on her new bed, or somewhere else nearby in the book place in Ponyville that we lived in.

Later, she got a special house just for me that she called a trunk. It was dark in there. I was afraid of the dark. There were a lot of other things with me in the trunk. Important things that she didn't want to lose. So I was in charge of guarding them. I took my job very seriously, even if it meant seeing Twilight less and less. And being alone in the dark.

Twilight didn't go to the learning rooms anymore or see teachers. But she still loved to read the books in our new home and learn new things. She would always write letters to Celestia telling her what she learned.

Except for that one time when she didn't.

She was so worried that she hadn't anything to write about. She seemed so upset that she didn't learn anything new. She opened the trunk. I was so happy to see her. But she seemed so distraught. She needed something to write to Celestia about that she learned. I had my notebook opened. I said two plus two equals four.

Two plus two equals four! Remember Twilight? You taught me that. So we can pretend that I'm the teacher and you can be the student. Just for pretend. And you can tell Celestia that you learned that two plus two equals four. You were so proud of me when I learned that. She'll be proud of you! Just tell her two plus two equals four.

"If I can't find a friendship problem, I'll MAKE a friendship problem!" Twilight said.

My notebook only had a math problem.

I hadn't seen Twilight in so long, I was really hoping that she would give me a hug. But she didn't. But that was okay. We went outside together. It was going to be an adventure, together, just like before.

It was going to be an adventure all right.

She introduced me to some of her friends. She had never done that before, aside from Spike a long time ago. Before, the only time I spent with Twilight was when we were alone. But that was okay. I wasn't interested in her friends anyway. I only wanted to be with Twilight.

"This is Smarty Pants," Twilight said. "She was mine when I was your age. And now I want to give her to you!"

Um, what? She held me there in the air with her magic as the other three ponies looked at me. They were younger, like Twilight used to be.

"She's... great."

"Yeah... great."

"I really like her... mane?"

They looked nice enough, but I wanted to stay with Twilight. Why didn't she want me anymore? I did a good job guarding her things in the trunk, even though it was dark and scary. Even though I wanted to sleep with her in the bed. I did what she wanted and now she was getting rid of me? Why!?

"She even comes with her own notebook, and quill for when you want to pretend that she's doing her homework," Twilight said. "So who wants to play with her first?"

The others didn't seem like they wanted to play with me. But that was okay. I just wanted to stay with Twilight. If they didn't want me, she would take me back and we could be friends again. Then she could write to Celestia about how we became friends again and solved her friendship problem. I was so happy that I was able to help.

"You're going to like Smarty Pants. You're going to like her more than anything!" Twilight said. She cast the Want It Need It spell on me.

There you go, Twilight. You could write to Celestia and tell her that you learned a new spell.

But she wasn't fast enough to undo the spell. The other three ponies started to fight over me, grabbing me and pulling at my hooves and legs. Yanking and tugging in different directions. I wasn't a young pony anymore, and could feel myself starting to break.

Twilight! Help! They're hurting me!

Twilight dove into the fray to try to rescue me but it was no use. The other three were too much for her. She was thrown from the ruckus into a big red pony. She enlisted his help and he was able to get me away from the other three fighting over me.

"Thank you so much. Now if you could just give her to me," Twilight said.

She wanted me back! I knew she would! I knew she would want her best friend back. Oh, happy days!

"Nope." His only reply, and he ran off, carrying me away from her under the effects of the spell.

Twilight! Help!

The further he ran, the more ponies were affected. Soon there was a mountain of ponies, clamoring all over eachother to try to get to me. Another pony grabbed me and ran off away from him and the pile. It wasn't Twilight. I just wanted to get back to Twilight.

A flying pony swooped down and grabbed me. Another tried to steal me away but she held firm. The two pegasi pulled at me in a tug a war, stretching me apart. Both lost their grip and I was sent tumbling through the air, only for more ponies to fight over me.

I didn't want to be in the dark trunk. I just wanted to go on an adventure with Twilight. But I didn't want this! I was being dropped and pulled and bit and stepped on.

I don't know what I did wrong, Twilight! I'm sorry! Please help me!

"Twilight Sparkle!" A booming voice came from above. It was Celestia. In a flash of light, the spell was gone, and everypony stopped fighting over me. The ponies all left, but not without one stepping on me one last time. I was in rough shape. Still, I was just happy to still be in one piece.

A pony picked me up. It wasn't Twilight. It was the big red one again. And that was when I met Big Macintosh.

Next Chapter: Two Plus Two Estimated time remaining: 8 Minutes
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