Simultaneously, four covers on four stone serving plates were drawn aside. The thick, heavy steam rose up from its confines, dissipating as it grasped for the ceiling. In the wake of its veil revealed the freshly cooked food for the family of four plus one extra human.

All five of them sat around the dining room table, and the multiple smells of delicious, unknown foods mixing together suddenly crowded the room in salivating goodness.

Fredrick sat naturally with Stella on his left and Sveta on his right, and he could only look on in awe as his next meal was beautifully arranged in front of him.

A technicolor display of pure artistic prowess that combined seemingly both appeal and practicality… a skill that only a cooking mother could ever hope to have. For a split second, Fredrick felt a small pang deep within his core as the whole getup reminded him of the family feasts his mother would ‘produce’ during special events.

However, these were promptly pushed by the wayside when Vona, aptly, gave the all clear.

“Righto, loves! Dig in, fer fucks sake before I stuff it up yer arses m’self!”

Sveta and Vampir took no qualm nor quarter in reaching for and loading up on their dishes of choice… but Fredrick was not entirely sure how to proceed.

To him, all looked amazing! What stopped him from diving right in was the lack of knowledge of whether he should start somewhere versus somewhere else.

Fred knew quite well that he’d be entering into one of the greatest food comas ever experienced by man in the next hour or so, but truth be told, he was gonna need the expertise of someone… or somepony more familiar with how to approach true batpony cuisine.

And he happened to have one of those sitting right next to him.

Fredrick’s indecisiveness did not go unnoticed by Stella, and she wrapped her arm around her inquisitive coltfriend and imparted a firm nuzzle to his cheek…

...along with an excited smile with her usual pearly whites on display.

With the garden-variety yet grandiose mannerisms she was known for, Stella was ready to, in kind, impart her wisdom.

“Alright Fred! Prepare yer dickholster tae taste how a good titwank feels. So we’ve got…”

She gestured to the first dish, directly in front of them, which looked exactly like thick-cut slices of pineapple, grilled, and drizzled in some unknown sauce… simply put.

“...Mum’s fire grilled pineapple a la ‘just fuck me face right now,’ with warm honey. Personally I like tae sprinkle a wee bit ‘o salt on top fer that salty-sweet flavor.”

Choice of name aside, Fredrick pensively considered the idea; he had never had any type of warm fruit before, but salty-sweet ‘cancellation’ was always something he enjoyed.

Perhaps to a fault, when it came to food, he would try anything once… and that had not historically worked in his favor. Besides, he loved pineapple, so he was confident that he’d share the same sentiment with this dish.

“Alright, that looks and sounds pretty damn good…”

Stella moved on in a counterclockwise fashion.

“This is a personal favorite o’ mine! Dad sometimes likes tae make his ‘Apple Salmon!’”

Fredrick blinked hard at that last word… did Stella just say what he thought she said?

“S-Salmon?” he begged, and just saying those words nearly had him froth at the mouth.

Naturally, meat was a lot harder to come by during his time in Equestria, so he had to settle for very rare occasions. Fish appeared to also be more socially acceptable to eat in pony society, so he opted for the healthiest and tastiest option when he could.

Further, it appeared that he had forgotten one little detail that Stella had expressed to him countless times: batponies occasionally delved in meat more as a delicacy rather than a staple.

Stella nodded, grinning widely.

“Yup! It’s baked, marinated in fresh applesauce… trust me love, it tastes so much better than it may sound.”

Vampir, Vona, and Sveta were only tangentially listening to the lovers’ conversation. Fredrick, on his end, only cared about one thing.

“Babe, you had me at ‘salmon.’”

Stella smiled that knowing half-smirk, accompanied by an almost sensual wink of her right eye.

“I made the silent request, knowin’ ye were dyin’ fer some good meat…”

She then thumbed toward her gorging sister, and continued in high spirits; careful emphasis was placed on certain words.

“Just like Sveta’s been dying fer some good meat fer the last two years.”

The teal coated Sabre sister raised her head and turned towards her uncaring older sibling, glaring at her with a mouth stuffed with pineapple.

“Well I’ll definitely be sampling that!” Fredrick declared.

And for Stella, there was no question about that in her mind.

“Yer goddamn fukkin’ right yer gonna ‘sample’ that! I requested that specifically fer you an’ if ya don’t devour it with me, I’ll put a fukkin’ tube down yer knob!” she threatened…

...then graced her soft lips upon Fred’s cheek, punctuating it all with a ‘love gnaw’ on the lower right part of his jaw.

“With love, of course!” she finished pointedly.

“...Fuggin’ better be with love, bitch,” Fredrick grumbled, earning a chortle out of his marefriend.

A smoother voice cut into the conversation from Fredrick’s right.

“D’awww… so perfect fer each other! So sweet!” Sveta squee’d shimmying her torso for added effect, along with the Sabre trademarked cocky smirk.

“It’s like the town cunt an’ the hopeless village virgin! How quaint!” she added.

Stella’s turn to glare over Fredrick and at her sister.

“Careful throwin’ ‘virgin’ around…” she warned. “Ya keep goin’ on like ye gettin’ exactly zero inches of rod per year and yer twat might seal shut, aye?”

Fredrick decided to begin shovelling some food onto his plate while it was still hot. Hilariously, both Vampir and Vona quietly urged him on in the process while the bellicose statements continued to fly between the two sisters.

And in the end Fred felt it would be best to begin stuffing himself with what was indeed ‘sex in his mouth’-tasting food… all as he listened to the Shakespeare-esque waterfall from his neighbors’ mouths in a barely comprehensible word salad.

“Better me twat seal shut than rust shut from how much ye fukkin’ spread yer flaps, slag!” Sveta countered.

She then thumbed toward Fredrick.

“Lettin’ that shit oxidize… does he fuckin’ know you’ve prolly got the fuckin’ Clop?”

Fredrick nearly coughed up his bite of perfectly cooked ‘just fuck my mouth.’

Ho-Ly Shit.

Stella rolled her eyes, finishing her bite of salmon before resting her cheek into her open palm, supported by her elbow. She cast her condescending gaze back to Sveta, and Fredrick was wise to move out of the figurative line of fire.

He did have to admit, Stella’s natural rasp added an extra bit of threatening undertone to her words that Sveta wasn’t entirely able to replicate.

“Oh yer so very fukkin’ witty, Svet’. Pity yer college education taught you fuck all on putting those udders of yours tae good use, or ya may’ve kept yer last prospects!”

Sveta nodded to nopony in particular, going back to feasting on her plate of precisely sanctioned food.

“Keep runnin’ yer gob; ya might grow out of yer trainin’ bra one day… so how ‘bout ya go back tae eatin’ yer food an’ thinkin’ self-massage’ll get ‘em out of a fuckin’ C-cup, aye?”

Stella rolled her eyes and faced forward, and Fredrick casually blocked out the raucous banter as he concentrated on the beautiful flavors.

“Whatever bitch I’m goin’ back tae eating my food,” Stella grumbled, then placed an arm tightly around Fredrick’s shoulders before exaggeratedly punctuating.

“...with my coltfriend enjoying himself with me and havin’ a wonderful time!” punctuated.

Sveta’s turn to widen and roll her eyes.

“Ahh yes, just parade him around like a diamond-studded dildo!”

“Ye could fukkin’ use one, love!”

Fredrick moaned once the salmon and a second serving of steamed vegetables hit his mouth with the pineapple. The mix of flavors he never would have considered in his natural life was a most welcome surprise.

“MMMM… this is really good, Vona and Vampir! Thank you both very much!”

The rulers of the household returned Fredrick’s gratitude and praise with gratitude of their own, both synchronously nodding and smiling at their human guest.

Vona waved her hand dismissively with an accompanying ‘pshh!’

“No trouble at all, Fredrick!” she declared. “Always happy to entertain a coltfriend of one o’ my beautiful daughters… though admittedly I wasn’t expectin’ some thin coatless lookin’ fuck like you,” she rattled off, but quickly realized what she said and produced an awkward giggle.

“No offense, love…”

Far from it being taken, for Fredrick. Stella trained him from a fledgeling stage of their friendship to take swear words as they were: merely parts of speech.

The fact that Vona spoke so freely and openly with him, even when they first met, had to have been a great sign for him, too!

“No worries at all! I welcome the banter!”

He chuckled along with Mom, but that was shushed when Vampir weighed in with his own words, clearing his throat and letting the pure essence of ‘Scottish’ waft delicately over the table. Fred could’ve sworn that every time Vampir opened his mouth, there was a soft bagpipe theme that would layer behind his words like some fantasy-world adventure game.

“I must say, laddie… ye were definitely not what we expected when Stella wrote home to us constantly about you,” he admitted, perhaps a little too sheepishly.

All the while, the background banter only seemed to escalate, though the three now-conversing individuals paid almost no mind to the friendly fray of sisters.

“How about you shut yer fukkin’ mouth and eat a dick!” Sveta bellowed, hands clutching her face as her irritation bridled over.

Clearly her banter game was a bit rusty, and Stella was quick to capitalize.

“Don’t fuckin’ project yer desires on me, cunt! Maybe if ye weren’t such a little prude asshole with a zipped up fud ye’d score some schlong, fer shit’s sake, mare!”

Fredrick’s curiosity was piqued instead by Vampir’s statement. He had known that Stella obviously wrote home about him; how would they know that they wanted to meet him so badly otherwise?

But that’s not what interested him… deep down, he felt there was more to that and a burning desire festered within his core—perhaps just to feel good about himself—to find out exactly how much Stella ‘talked him up,’ as it were.

He raised his right eyebrow.

“Oh yeah? She tell you how much of a ‘raging homosexual’ and an ‘endearing, shaven twat’ I can be?” Fredrick questioned with another lighthearted chuckle.

Vona and Vampir loosed hearty giggles and outright laughter respectively, and thus far, Fredrick felt that the atmosphere was quantifiably less tense than when he first met everypony at once. He was starting to feel right at home, though he was ever cautious to make sure he didn’t step on any landmines.

But, as he had come to find out on numerous occasions, Fredrick’s life in Equestria was full of surprises, and this still held perfectly true when both parents shook their heads at the human’s hypothesis.

“Maybe just a wee bit,” Vona admitted. She then giggled into her hand. “There were certainly a few erm… creative bits of language that made us so proud of our little girl,” she said dreamily.

Vampir, running his fingers to slick his mane up and back, picked up where his wife left off.

“Hehe, I happened to agree! Stella has always made us proud parents with how independent she is… both her and Sveta actually!” he added with a bright, fatherly smile.

This time, he let a wave of nostalgia overtake his features.

“It warms me heart as a father tae see his daughters to grow into upstanding, strappin’, young, powerful, bawbag bustin’ mares in their own rites, aye?” he added, bidding Vona her opinion.

“OI! Don’t make me get outta this fukkin’ chair and break all four of its legs off in yer unused bonehole, ya prude bitch!”

“I’d like tae see ye FUKKIN’ TRY ya slack, titless dwarf!”

Vona was quick to agree, and with a vehement nod and bright, Sabre-standard smile to boot.

“Aye. Beautiful, kind, generous young mares. Cannae ask fer more as parents.”

Fredrick could do little to help contain the entertained smile that emblazoned itself on his face.

Best. Mom and Dad. Ever.

His experience with the ‘rents of a couple of his other love interests were… not exactly the greatest, considering one of them he got a sword pointed at him.

A sword. Right at his dick. True story.

“Mm. But this time,” Vampir commanded the attention yet again. “She was much more of a fuckin’ pansy in her writing, I honestly didn’t think it was her at first!”

Vona seemed inclined to agree, the older Stella-clone chuckling at the memory.

“Aye. Thought me daughter’d gone soft on us!” she joked. “Was about tae catch the first train tae Canterlot and beat her arse m’self! May not have all that fancy training o’ hers but I can still break my hoof off in her twat.”

“So aye,” Vampir cut back in with a nod. “Turns out, she was just… taken,” he followed up, punctuating with a prideful, knowing smirk. All of it was directed at Fredrick.

“She really likes you,” Vona added, though not in a sense of merely stating the obvious.

Those words carried weight.

Stella careened herself into the discussion, throwing both her arms around her coltfriend’s neck and pressing her cheek into his. Apparently, she and Sveta were done slinging shit at each other for the time being.

“Of course I do!” she exclaimed with an eternal, bright smile, then proceeded to squeeze his cheeks much like he did to her up in her room. “He’s just so likeably poofy I wanna kill him!”

Fredrick just stared blankly back at her parents while Stella had her way with him, poking his cheeks, squeezing them, and just generally manipulating his face to her will. Vona struggled not to laugh, while Vampir easily got the message that this was what Fred was dealing with daily with his daughter.

Poor bastard.

While Stella only regarded him with an innocent, ever-confident smile and fluttered eyelashes, Fredrick smirked as his next thoughts materialized.

“We’re not gonna become one of those couples, right?” he asked, chuckling. “The ones fawning over every little fuckin’ thing they do with each other?”

He could see the twinkle in her eyes in conjunction with her ears having perked up. Stella cleared her throat and let her voice fall much too ‘girly’ from her mouth.

“Oh baby no… I wouldn’t let me little baby shnookums...” she squeezed and peppered his cheeks with kisses. “...get like that with me! He’s too handsome and a sweetie!”

Fredrick pursed his lips, also hiding his laughter as her parents and Sveta immediately became a measure more disturbed by that display; Stella never failed to pull through.

Further, what would be the point of it all if he did not partake either?

“Well, thank you honeybun,” he contributed, and Fred could almost see Stella retch at that little pet name.

He stabbed some of his salmon with his fork and presented it in front of her face.

“You look hungry baby… you wanna little bite of my foodies?” he asked, wiggling the fork a bit.

Stella wasn’t about to be one-upped. Suppressing a hefty giggle, she continued to let liquid word-vomit spew forth from her maw.

“Awwww yer soooo sweet cutie pie!” she replied with a high-pitch. “But nae, I couldn’t take yer food, hunnie… Besides, I like when me boy’s nice an’ healthy so I can run me hands all over his big strong muscles.”

Stella ran her hands over his chest for emphasis, and Fredrick nearly lost it.

“PFFFT! N-No, I just try to keep in shape for my beautiful, sexy, bombshell of a mare. Tell ya what, let’s eat it together, my golden-eyed princess!” he suggested so terribly, that Stella agreed at an instant.

“Ooooh baby boo you really know how tae make me smile…” she said, batting her eyelashes yet again as Fredrick placed the fork-stabbed salmon between them.

They then locked their eyes together and with great precision, opened their mouths to both take half of the salmon that stood between their respective pairs of lips.

Reading each other’s mind, their mouths continued further after claiming their shares, and fused together in what was undoubtedly the most sarcastic kiss they ever shared.

Both of them vocalized said kiss as loudly as possible as they chewed their food.

“MMMMMMMMMWAAHH!”

Stella licked her lips.

“Mmm… thank you, boo thang,” she uttered the first thing on her mind.

Fredrick, however, neared his breaking point.

“BAHAHA Did you just fucking call me ‘boo thang?!’”

Somepony, however, had reached their breaking point. Sveta slammed both her fists on the table.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD, CAN YAE BOTH SHUT THE FUCK UP, PLEASE!” she assailed the two of them for their fuckery, clutching the sides of her face.

“JUST HAND ME THE FUCKIN’ ROPE WHY DON’T YE?!”

And with that, neither party could hold it anymore, and Fredrick and Stella bust out into some of the most gut-clenching, combined guffaw that either of them had experienced together since…

...since probably two days ago.

They laughed a lot together.

Stella’s evil cackling devolved into strained, high pitched whimpers as she struggled for breath. She clutched her stomach desperately as she leaned into Fredrick, who was by no means in any better straits.

Vona and Vampir also looked on after that horrific display of over-fluff, and were absolutely revolted.

“I should really smack the shit outta both of ye,” the former remarked, eyes narrowed.

Vampir slammed a balled-up fist on the table, shaking its rested contents mightily.

“Goddamnit all, ye two’ll act like a normal fuckin’ couple this instant or I'll give ya a Thestral Divorce!”

Fredrick hadn't a shred of an idea what that meant, but felt otherwise that this would probably be the best place to stop.

So, the dynamic duo calmed down, but that didn't stop the two lovebirds from damn-near shivering in their seats from residual laughter.

Fredrick stealthily (though failing miserably) leaned next to Stella’s ear, only to whisper:

“My adorable little flower…”

Stella went into a snickering fit at an instant, complete with extra adorable Scottish bat squeaks. To that, she countered with:

“Babyboo…”

Fredrick’s high-pitched stifled whimper was all that needed to be said. What had also been discovered was that when the two would laugh at something particularly stupid, their laughter was contagious… but only to each other. As one came to reasonably expect, this led to mild, fleeting chortles devolving into yet another display of hyena-like cackling.

Neither of them even had that much alcohol either.

And at that same moment, Vona had an epiphany.

“Y’know, sweetie,” she addressed her husband. “I think I seen know why she likes ‘im so much… they’re just as retarded as the other!”

She then playfully pouted, then smirked mischievously as she extended a playful jab toward Fredrick.

“And ‘ere I thought ye were the one to rein her in…” she lamented blithely.

Stella decided to take this one on his behalf, draping her left arm around him once more and interrupting.

“Oh he’s got me reined in, mum…” she countered. “But the fucker thinks I’m leashed fer my safety… or that he’s the one holdin’ it!” Stella added with a punctuated, throaty giggle.

Fredrick deadpanned, then nudged her away with his shoulder. He placed a bite of pineapple in his mouth and spoke his next words after a quick munch.

“...Fuckin’ bet you like being on that leash, huh?” he said out of instinct… though perhaps a bit too loudly while not consulting his uncharacteristically liberal caution.

Sveta silently choked on her food at the comment, and Stella did what she did best when confronted innuendo-laden ripostes:

She purred.

Vampir swirled his oddly large glass of hard liquor and took a swig, downing a third of it. He addressed Vona with a sideways tilt of his muzzle.

“She gets it from you, y’know.”

The matriarch was less-than enlightened by her dear hubby’s proclamation.

“Of course she fuckin’ gets it from me, ya daft fuck! Sure as shit ain’t gettin’ that adventurous side from you, I can say that much!”

Vampir accepted that lying down, evident by him tilting his head once in consideration and continuing to gulp down his drink.

Stella leaned into Fredrick, who was doing his very best to not laugh anymore; his abs couldn’t rightly take it.

“Welcome to me awesome family, love.”

Sveta leaned in from Fredrick’s left with an equally disturbing smile.

“Feel free tae stay as long as ya like! We don’t guarantee yer sanity, though… or the state of yer bollocks.”

In an odd turn of events, Vampir and Vona exchanged a two-second, knowing glance before turning back to the trio.

“Y’know, I think we need to bring out the Photo Album fer Fredrick here…” Vona suggested.

While Fredrick returned Vona’s devilish grin with one of curiosity, Stella and Sveta’s dropped with the ferocity and gradual, impending doom of a falling bomb.

Simultaneously.

“That… That's not fuckin’ necessary, right Sveta?” Stella asked, almost pleadingly.

Her sister affirmed the same sentiment right away, vehemently shaking her head.

“Nope! No need fer that, mum. Not at all!”

Vona, however, was not convinced in the slightest.

“Oh I think we do~...” she sang out, twirling a finger in one of the locks of her mane.

She then turned to Vampir.

“Love, could you go grab it please?”

Stella stood ramrod. Sveta followed suit.

“Dad, you’ll do no such thing!”

“Daddy, please don’t…”

Vampir agonizingly slowly got to his hooves and pushed his chair in with a whistle. The then exited the dining room with a smug canter.

Fredrick watched the two Sabre sisters, enraptured by how both had throbbing veins visible on their foreheads while they fought to do something to prevent the inevitable.

The two shared nervous looks amongst themselves and Sveta raised a fist threateningly.

“I’ll fuckin’... I-I’ll fukkin’ firebomb this motherfucker if Fredrick sees a single page!” her rhetoric came in an uncharacteristically shaky tone.

Vona wasn't fazed.

“Nae, ya won't. I'll firebomb you outta university, ye little mingelicker.”

With that, Sveta spent all her ammunition. And she frantically turned to Stella while Fredrick was fidgeting with excitement.

If they were reacting like this, who knew all the dirt he could collect on both of them!

Sveta whispered:

“The fuck do we do?!”

Stella shrugged, emphatically shaking her head.

“Fuck if I know! Would ye mind terribly if I killed ‘em?”

Vampir was quick to dispel that when he entered back into the dining room with a large photo album under his arm.

“Nope!”

Effortlessly, he cleared out some empty plates and set the literal tome down with a crushing thud, one which rattled the table, the accompanying plateware, and the foundation of the house.

It was a simple, leather-looking book, though clearly not actual leather for obvious reasons. It was hand-stitched and bound, and its only adornment on its front cover was an engraving of the Sabre coat of arms.

Vona reached over the table and eagerly beckoned Fredrick over.

“Oi! Come, come! Get a look at yer precious marefriend and her sis in their younger days!”

There was no conceivable way that Fred could say no to that. With a sudden pep in his step, he bounded out of his seat… much too quick for Stella to grab the hem of his shirt and drag him back.

In fact, as Fredrick squeezed in between Vampir and Vona, the Sabre sisters watched helplessly as he was subjected to the very first picture upon opening:

Stella as a toddler.

Fredrick’s eyes widened comically and his jaw hit the floor. That special feeling of seeing something he probably was not supposed to was aplenty… that light-hearted swelling in his stomach and face as his cheeks fought to contain his giddy smile.

“Oh. My. Fuck…”

Clear as day, there sat Stella as she was well over two decades ago, on the sofa with her little shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her hair was certainly much shorter than normal, and it was a little spiky in the rear as it had not formed its now-distinctive ponytail shape. She held some odd form of a toy in her right hand all the while.

But yet, despite those wide, golden pools that seemed to have gotten somewhat larger with age, that iconic smile was evident from her very humble beginnings.

“I knooooow, right?” Vona concurred. “Back around the time her looks peaked! She was a cutie!”

“That’s fuckin’ cute!” Fredrick agreed wholeheartedly.

Present-day Stella was much less amused than her coltfriend. Her face colored profusely, her fists balled up, and her thoughts dwelled over what exactly constituted the threshold of legally defined ‘domestic violence’ and its alleged implications.

“Fredrick…” she seethed through clenched teeth.

She then pointed as he moved to turn to the next page.

“Oi! Fuckin’... don’t fuckin’ do it, cunt! I’ll rip yer fuckin’ wang off!”

Fredrick ignored her entirely as he did just that.

Sveta, on the other hand, was colored much less impressed with Stella’s lack of imperiousness.

“Great hold you have over ‘im,” the sarcasm dripped from her mouth.

The next picture was a larger one, though this came as little surprise since it was of both a younger Stella and Sveta… perhaps a little younger than ten. Both were dressed in frilly pink dancing dresses complete with tutu and tiara, all while striking fierce poses.

Their distinctive mane styles had taken form by that point.

Fredrick, by way of reflex, covered his mouth and he nearly squealed at the slight. His marefriend and her sister could only look on helplessly as their parents devalued both of their intimidation factors by the second.

“Oh fuck me…” Stella exhaled under her breath, clutching her face as she began to pace.

Sveta was in no better straits.

“HOLY SHIT THAT’S AMAZING!” Fred burst out laughing. “But hey! You look good in pink, Stel’!” Fred shot her a pistol point and a wink.

“Shut the fuck up, Fredrick!”

“I fuckin’ hate every single one of you!” Sveta weighed in.

It was Vampir’s turn to laugh at the reminiscence.

“Aye… I remember that day! First recital I think, hmm?”

Vona nodded.

“Aye! They fuckin’ killed it, too!”

Fredrick eagerly turned the next page and, to both the sisters’ collective horrors, there lay a picture of both of them, approximately ten and seven respectively, though Sveta was clearly catching up to Stella in height by this point. Both were on the ground bawling their eyes out…

…drenched in petroleum jelly.

Fredrick did not want to incur any more potential wrath from Stella (and possibly Sveta) in the near future, so he attempted with every fiber of his being to limit his impending wheezing, but to little avail. The picture was just so… perfect; so iconic in how globs of the all-purpose moisturizer had matted clumps of their coat together. Their clothes were beyond ruin; beyond salvage.

Further, the evidence existed all around them in various piles and multiple empty containers.

So, he figured the safest way to allow his crippling laughter at his marefriend’s expense to manifest, was naught but shaking his head with a profound smirk.

“I swear…” he commented. “These are absolute gold; they explain so much, now that I think of it.”

Stella and Sveta had slunk back into their chairs, adopting identical, slouched postures and crossed arms over their chests as they fumed in quiet misery. Once that picture came into view, both covered their faces with their hands.

However, the latter did not take too kindly to Fredrick’s less-than-veiled sarcasm.

“Fuuuuck off! Hope Stella castrates you, ya sick fuck!”

Vona leaned up to whisper in Fredrick’s ear.

“She likes you, believe me!”

“Well, let’s see how much they both like me when we turn the page…” he mused.

“Well,” Vona began anew, flipping through the album with a purpose. “How about… this one?” she asked.

In view was now a picture of the two sisters sitting on a sandy beach, and they looked aged up to about twenty and seventeen.

Stella looked rather annoyed at the candid picture, but still looked amazing in a plain, drab, black bikini. Her army career had not been in full swing yet, as Fred noted that her muscle mass had not gotten to where it was now. She was filled out, certainly… but not as she was today.

What also took his eye was Sveta who was much more inclined to take such a photo; her right hand and two fingers were extended out in a typical victory fashion.

What drew his attention was the slightly more conservative, but ever fitted black bikini that matched her sisters. By this time, however, her svelte figure was much more prominent, and the top halves of her breasts were on proud display for whoever might have viewed the photo.

Fredrick would lie to no one at this point. Sveta had nice tits.

Jesus.

“Goddamn! Both of you look great, here!” Fredrick commented, possibly ogling both sets of photogenic boo—mares.

“Flattery’ll get ye nowhere today, Fredrick! Ya skinny-ass piece o’ whale shite!” Stella voiced in her usual, pleasant tone.

“Oh come on mom, seriously!?” Sveta protested, a little more than peeved that her ‘assets’ were being shown off like nothing. “Just fuckin’ take a photo of me wearin’ fuck all and hand it tae Fredrick here, why don’t ye?”

Vona rolled her eyes and exaggeratedly directed her face towards her youngest daughter.

“Yer in a fuckin’ swimsuit on the beach, ya flacid tackle! It’s just a beach picture; Fredrick is a respectable stallion. Don’t be like Stella when she gets photos taken in a dress!”

Stella leaned in to a rather peeved Sveta and added to her plight with a tone that would be no-less expected of a close sister:

“He’s too busy ogling me tae ogle you, mate. Soothe yer boobs.”

Sveta deadpanned, meeting her sister’s gaze as the next page was turned in the photo album.

“Really? That’s supposed to make me fuckin’ feel better?”

Stella shrugged.

“Wasn’t tryin’ tae make ye feel better at all, really, so… fuck yerself?”

Sveta rolled her eyes yet again and resumed her less-than-enthralled position, further curling up into a ball of embarrassment and hate.

“Fuck off.”

A few more pictures were presented to Fredrick in all of their glory (or infamy, depending on whom one spoke to on the matter). Each one elicited no less than a hefty laugh out of the human as well as affording reminiscing sights of the parents of the household.

And to be fair, Stella and Sveta did enjoy seeing some particular pictures that they forgot even existed. Of course, this often led to other ‘engagements’ between the two of them.

As each picture had consecutively less and less effect on the Sabre Sisters in terms of morale reduction, Stella realized that she, in fact, could take control at this point.

Her parents had had all the fun they were going to have, and in her mental conception of diminishing marginal returns, it would be rather easy to bound out of her chair and pluck Fredrick away.

So, that’s exactly what she did upon Vampir turning the page to a picture of the two of them. She and her sister were posing all-funky as teens in midriff tops.

Even worse, she never remembered once owning a midriff back then.

She glided swiftly on her hooves and in a figurative drive-by of graceful proportions, yanked Fredrick out of his safe space between her conniving parents.

He nearly gagged as the front of his shirt collar constricted against his throat, as his marefriend essentially picked him up by the scruff with all her cute batpony strength.

“OKAY! That’s enough of a show fer ye, dickhead! Let’s get the fuck outta here now aye??”

Sveta was quick to fall into step, and at this point neither of their parents contested the decision to leave abruptly.

Both, instead, opted to giggle maniacally at having successfully embarrassed their spawn for what was certainly not the first, nor the last time in their lives.

And, in Fredrick’s credible opinion, they were damn good at it!

So good in fact, that he even had to offer his protests as he was literally being dragged from under both of his arms out the front door.

“What the fuck, man?? Do you mind?” he faux-sternly questioned.

Stella’s response was immediate, if oddly sounding like an acquiescence.

“I’ll give ye a blowjob later,” she stated.

Blowjobs were pretty cool; in fact, Fredrick mulled around in his mind that blowjobs were, in fact, quite some of the dankest things a man could come by in life, second only to memes.

While most would have taken the pittance and accepted their fate, Fredrick’s months-long, seemingly-lifetime relationship with Stella dictated that his response be anything but acceptance.

“But I didn’t want a blowjob…?”

Sveta had the answer to that in a swift riposte.

“Then we’ll both crush yer fuckin’ bollocks in a fuckin’ hydraulic press until they look like watercolor blotches, ya cunt!” she spoke with an extra ‘oomph’ in her grip on Fred.

Not that that didn’t sound appetizing, but Fredrick figured that his fate and destiny for the near future would be decided by his new entourage for the night.

So, he merely shrugged.

Stella angled her head back over her left shoulder as they hauled their helpless human company out the front door, and her rushed farewell summed up their family dynamic quite succinctly:

“Dinner was lovely, Mum and Dad! Love you lots! We’ll be back later!”

“Love you, Mum and Dad!” Sveta also called back, shoving Fredrick through the door with Stella’s help.

“Love you too, sweeties!” Vampir waved back, finally closing the family photo album.

Vona, however, had some stern words for both of her daughters as Sveta got ahold of the door handle. With an extended index finger, she promptly reminded:

“No blowjobs after twenty-three hundred!”

While Stella emitted a single blast of laughter from outside, Sveta took up the mantle of response with paletable sarcasm:

“Right, mum… I’ll just follow yer shinin’ example, aye?” she rolled her eyes. “Fuuuck~ off.”

She closed the door behind her.

Batponies were interesting creatures.

Well, at least to Fredrick they were… or maybe just Northern Range thestrals were the most riveting of the bunch.

But as Fredrick glanced around uneasily with a beer bottle in his hand, he had a hard time comprehending how Stella’s species survived.

This was reinforced as he sat on a barstool between Stella and Sveta in their go-to hangout place in their hometown. He occasionally had to dodge a flying drink of some sort; one that would promptly shatter into a million pieces as it impacted the wall.

He was also certain that he heard no less than two fights going on simultaneously… assuming he was hearing properly through the bombarding white noise of raucous chatter, laughter, and body contact.

Such was life in Crescent’s Club. When in Thestralshire, do as the Scottish Batpones do, after all.

Defining features of Fred’s surroundings were scarce and far between, as the entire club was shrouded in a veil of comfortable darkness, interrupted only by deep-blue hues of light crystals.

As batponies preferred, after all.

These were usually shined on the walls to give some semblance of form, but the most stand-out feature
was just how everypony’s eyes were nearly glowing in said darkness. This was not an uncommon occurrence with Stella; that’s how thestrals worked, after all. But the visual effect of multi-colored pairs mingling loudly with one another was kinda surreal.

A bar existed on the wall right next to the single-door entrance while on the complete opposite side was a stage for live music and karaoke; currently there was a small band that sounded like they were playing drunken, Scottish shanties.

Fredrick found himself gently grooving and tapping his shoe against the bar step as he sipped his drink.

Plus, this whole ‘one door entrance and exit’ thing was raising and violently shaking the ‘fire hazard’ flags in Fred’s head. That, or he just was feeling mildly claustrophobic with all these damned ponies around him, plus the natural humidity.

Fredrick lost count of how many times a wing smacked into the back of his head, despite the (debatably) polite, accented apologies.

Another bottle shattered right behind him on the floor—causing him to nearly jump out of his seat—and obnoxious laughter followed.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” he blurted out, shielding his head from possible harm.

But rather than sympathy, he received laughter with an accompanying hug around his shoulders from his marefriend.

Stella then lay her head across his shoulder, giggling in such a way that could only convey the modest consumption of alcohol.

“Oh quit bein’ a pussy! Just relax and enjoy a night out with two hot mares on yer arms!” she alluded with the tiniest lick of his cheek.

Sveta poked her head around from the other side, certainly soberer than her older sister.

“Aye, but I ain’t lickin’ yer fuckin’ cheek, mate,” she remarked, instead delivering unto him a pat on the shoulder.

Fredrick chuckled.

“I wouldn’t expect you to, Svet’,” he said, and to that, the mare in question tilted the brim of her bottle toward him in a show of jesting respect.

The two tapped their drinks together with a satisfying clink before Stella opened her mouth again.

“Besides!” she began anew.

She took another swig of her brewery vat-sized beer stein before she continued with a most reassuring tone.

“We’re here tae have fun! No responsibilities, no bullshit, nothin’!” Stella declared, punctuating with a horrifying belch that Cthulhu itself would be proud of.

In fact, there were scattered cheers and whistles at Stella’s (by Fredrick’s standards) admittedly impressive display of manliness… to which she gave a small salute in the general direction of said cheers.

He beamed at her and cuddled her head against his shoulder.

“Niiiiiiiiiiiiiceee.”

“Cheers love!”

Sveta tapped into the small moment they were sharing.

“Oi, no love fer me?” she questioned, fluttering her eyelashes at both of them.

With a jokingly lewd expression, she snaked her hand around the other side of Fredrick’s shoulders, but Stella knew exactly what she was up to.

“Didn’t I tell ye there’d be no sharin’? Go find yer own!” Stella batted her sister’s hand away, Fredrick chuckling at their little display.

“Fuck it,” Sveta added. “You fuckers enjoy the circle-whack, I’mma top off this pint an’ go set up with the crew, aye?”

Fredrick raised his right eyebrow, curiosity and slight eagerness overtaking him as Sveta wholly implied that she would be performing with what was her ‘band’ so to speak…

...at least, this was only a speculation, though one founded in some measure of fact as the mare had mentioned in passing that she left her electric guitar in the care of her mates.

Not that it mattered to him anyway; he was always down for some ripshit guitar licks; and if it came from someone as talented as the youngest Sabre, then so be it.

Stella raised her glass high in a wordless affirmation to her sister, and with the ensuing lull in conversation, Fredrick took the time to stretch is arms out some.

Unfortunately as Sveta was about to leave, in so stretching out, Fred made the mistake of bumping his right fist into another unfortunate patron’s drink.

It spilled. Everywhere.

And Fredrick’s pupils shrank to pinpricks the moment his knuckles made contact with the periphery of what felt like cool glass. This was just what he needed, after all.

He sighed and turned around, more than a bit embarrassed at his klutziness and lack of manners.

“Shit! Sorry ‘bout that dude!” he delivered his genuine apology.

But instead of a normal-looking ‘Scotspony,’ greeting him with a mildly peeved look, the rather tall, built specimen staring back at him with a severe glower and lit cigarette in his mouth was what greeted him.

Fredrick suddenly felt a tad smaller, but was certain that his little overture would suffice, as it was an honest mistake. Hell, he’d even replace the drink! It didn’t help either that both Stella and Sveta had to cover their mouths to stifle their impending laughter.

The unfortunate stallion tossed his now somewhat emptier glass aside, letting it crash onto the floor, though most of the patrons around the area barely paid any mind to what was unfolding.

“The fuck was that for, mate?” said stallion growled.

Much to Fredrick’s chagrin, perhaps his apology would not suffice.

Still, he had no shortage of ripostes to come back to; he felt he could handle himself if need be, even against the prospect of somepony that was a fair more than a few smidges larger than him.

So, he turned on his stool to face the pale-gray batpony stallion in full.

“It was an accident. I own that shit completely; my bad. Can I replace your drink?”

No response came… well, no verbal response, that was. Fredrick did not even realize that the large right hand of his visitor had gripped firmly onto his t-shirt, threatening to drag him off the stool seat and onto the floor.

Being truthful, despite the sudden bout of adrenaline and apprehensiveness coursing through his veins as he was nearly hefted up off his feet, this would not have been the first time he was in any sort of… altercation.

And as Fred was promptly tossed off the chair, lost his balance, and fell hard on his ass with a hiss of pain, he oddly felt the term ‘kerfuffle’ was a better description.

He was brought back to that one time where he actually did have to punch someone (and get horrifically counter-punched) in front of one of his ex-girlfriends; he felt this would be another repeat scenario.

‘Repeat’ would have been a term used loosely, as with the larger build of this brute of a stallion, he’d probably end up with his sphincter inside out and laying in an alley somewhere.

Though as Fredrick shuffled to his feet ready to hold his own like a goddamn man who was attacked first, he overlooked one crucial detail about his predicament:

The two aggressive thestral mares who accompanied him this evening; both of whom had stood ramrod out of their seats and bore rather sudden, feral expressions.

One of those mares happened to be Fred’s marefriend.

Oops!

“Oi, OI!” Stella roared, placing her right hand on the offending stallion’s shoulder and turning him forcefully on his hooves toward her.

He didn’t look like he was in any position to cede ground, either.

“None ‘o yer fuckin’ concern, slag!” he barked in return, harshly drawing his arm out of her grasp.

Stella trot right in front of the mauve-coated, silver-eyed stallion. She had to genuinely look up at him to meet his uncaring eyes with her pools of controlled anger.

“You place mah lovable bastard back on the stool where ya found ‘im, or I’ll push yer fuckin’ shit back up yer ass and out yer mouth, you cunt!” she roared.

Even Fredrick was genuinely surprised at how aggressively that came out.

It was then Sveta’s turn to weigh in with a snarl to compete with her sister’s. Both pairs of fists were balled up tightly.

“Stel’, you rip his fuckin’ cock off an’ I’ll punch that fuckin’ mare’s-brand fag right down his fuckin’ throat, aye?”

Awww lawdy it’s gonna get weird!

Fredrick had gotten to his feet by now, dusted himself off, and attempted what he could to wrest control of the situation; while he wouldn’t shy away from it, the more risk-averse portion of him would rather avoid needless confrontation and injuries if it was at all possible… especially to Stella.

“Stella! It’s alright, I got this babe,” he reassured her, hands raised and outstretched.

Stella paid him absolutely no mind.

In her narrowed eyes, all she saw was somepony overreacting egregiously to what was a harmless, admittedly hilariously embarrassing moment for her coltfriend.

She had absolutely no intention of letting Fredrick come to any harm while he was under her wing and her guidance this evening with her sister… or this week, or anytime, actually.

“Aye, Svet. Sounds like a great fuckin’ plan. Put it out on his fuckin’ prostate while yer at it,” she suggested, cracking her knuckles.

Suddenly, the nameless stallion had lost a bit of his trademark Northern thestral aggressiveness when faced with two oddly gorgeous mares who genuinely seemed ready to try and beat him down.

He backed off just a tad.

“Alright you fuckers may be crazy but I’m not fightin’ two fuckin’ mares over some retarded sod,” he gestured to Fredrick, though his expression became much more threatening.

Fred rolled his eyes, then nodded unimpressed.

Figures.

The stallion continued:

“But I have no fuckin’ problem hitting mares… don’t make this a fuckin’ problem, aye, ye twats?” he delivered his ultimatum.

Stella righted her posture, stretched out both sides of her neck with tilts of her head, and she huffed.

With a most innocent tone that belied her true nature, she replied with a fluttering of her eyelashes:

“Promise?”

Fredrick’s eyes were not quick enough to discern the exact moment when Stella’s right fist slammed into the stallion’s diaphragm; with an underhanded punch so fierce, the stallion fell to his knees.

Once the air completely evacuated out of his poor, spasming upper body, the guardsmare drove her heel right onto his chest and forced him onto his back with all of her might.

Sveta instantly joined the skirmish with a single, hefty stomp onto the already categorically decimated stomach of the poor instigator...

…all before dumping the entire contents of a new drink onto his face, thoroughly soaking him and nearly waterboarding him.

“DRINK IT! DRINK IT ALL YA DIRTY SLUT!”

Fredrick just stood there… and that’s all he could really do, actually.

His eyes were as wide as they had ever been, while his brows had narrowed simultaneously as he tried to confirm the reality he was experiencing.

He was also debating whether he felt the hard-wood floor against the underside of his jaw.

One last, brutal kick by Stella was driven home into the former offender’s crotch; he was nearly unable to vocalize a pained groan due to lack of air in his lungs.

Fredrick was certain he had just witnessed a murder.

Though, he curiously appeared to be the one reacting the most shocked at the ‘kerfuffle’-turned-shitfight. The three skirmishing had attracted a fair audience, but only in passing… as if they were watching street performers.

After that final blow was struck to the sacred trouser snake, Stella stood over the downed stallion’s chest (Sveta off to the side and ready to break his jaw with her hooves). She then gripped him by his soaked shirt and brought his pristine, though tear-marred, eternally cringing and whimpering face up to her rage-filled eye-level.

And with that soundless snarl that Fredrick had often found cute in more docile situations, she simply had one thing to add:

“Listen here, ye bag of fermented cow spunk,” she spat.

“If you even fuckin’ blink in my coltfriend’s direction, I’ll cram me fist so far up yer bunghole of a loose arse, I’ll wear yer stomach as a fuckin’ mitten.”

She gripped the front of his muzzle.

“Then, I’m gonna rip yer fuckin’ meat an’ two-veg off, wear it as a strap-on and peg your fuckin’ face with it, you cunt! Can ye handle it?!” she concluded her very real threat with her signature bollocking tone.

There was no resistance from him… nor even an answer. Fredrick almost felt bad for the dude.

Almost.

That aforementioned lack of response, however didn’t sit well with Sveta. At all.

She knelt down and got right in his face.

“SHE ASKED ‘CAN YE FUCKIN’ HANDLE IT’ YA POOFY CHICKEN FUCKER!” she yelled in kind.

Fredrick pursed his lips and burned into his brain this very image: a strong, handsome, physically fit stallion that was now physically and mentally broken... with two gorgeous mares looking down on him ready to kill.

The two sets of cleavage that had inadvertently been placed in his face were no antidote to the multitude of levels of pain he was enduring right now.

Sometimes, Fredrick realized on a whim why he cherished their relationship in the oddest ways.

But this situation bothered him on another level or two… and he made a mental note to have a few words with Stella later tonight.

The stallion produced a weak, yet full-hearted nod.

Satisfied with his semblance of a response, Stella released his torso, allowing him to flop back onto the ground and writhe in his own misery on his lonesome.

She and Sveta stepped away and, with some measure of care, brought Fredrick from his perfectly-standing position and back to the bar, where they placed another drink in front of him.

Fredrick wasn’t without his compulsions, but he did have some questions.

“So—thank you both, by the way; you really didn’t have to. But, heh, was that all necessary?” he questioned, gripping his new beer bottle.

Stella only had a simple answer once her elastic smile bounced back to its norm. She then held her drink out towards her coltfriend and her sister.

“Because nopony fucks with you when I’m around. That’s pretty much it… now cheers all of us!”

She raised her glass high amongst the three of them.

“To a fuckin’ hell of a week ahead of us! May the tossers be few an’ the times be great!”

“Aye tae that!” Sveta yelled brightly, also extending her elixir.

And then there left Fredrick, who in a second’s bout of thinking considered everything that had happened in the span of the last two minutes:

From how Stella went to being social with everyone, to getting tipsy with him, to laying on him and being generally physical, to quite literally beating the shit out of someone with the aid of Sveta.

Right now, he could not have been happier to have a marefriend that cared about him enough to physically rip somepony’s masculinity out of them… for his sake.

And while he would still be sharing these words of concern to her, by the same token, Fredrick realized that he really could not have had a better marefriend at his side. The two of them were virtually indestructible as a pair.

Rope in Sveta as was seen previously, and hell would have no fury like the combined scorn and mouths of these two Lovecraftian-esque beauties.

“Fuck yeah!” he added with his own smile to compete. Both sisters brightened as he joined his drink with theirs with a mighty ‘clink.’

“I trust you two’ll show me a good time!”

Stella did well to capitalize on those words that Fredrick set himself perfectly up for. She bit her lower lip with one of her fangs and stared through the veil of her lashes.

“Oh trust me… there’ll be plenty of good times. I don’t rightly guarantee if they won’t be messy, either…” she alluded, twirling a single lock of her hair around her finger.

Fredrick knew exactly what she meant, evident by his rather sarcastic stare, angling his head towards his lovable marefriend with a cocked eyebrow… who in turn merely laughed her tipsy laugh at both of their expenses.

“The fact that you’re somehow more overtly perverted than me is a huge source of pride… for me,” he mentioned.

It was Stella’s turn to leverage her threatening, teasing demeanor in the sexiest way possible. She rested both her hands on her thigh and artificially pressed her breasts together, creating a nice downshirt that would have been impossible for a blind pony to miss.

And every time, Stella knew exactly how to play her coltfriend… and how he’d get lost in the hollow of her chest each time without incident.

“Tartarus would fuckin’ freeze over if ye could ever out-perv me, ya cunt,” she purred.

Fredrick narrowed his eyes, then pressed his nose to her snout, refusing to relinquish any eye-contact.

“Then I guess I’mma have to try harder to freeze Hell over…” he mused.

And by this point, a certain sister knew where this was leading… and it was much too sappy for her.

She was here to hang out with her sister and this hairless twat that she called her special somepony… but that did not entail having to listen to what constituted as the odd couple’s drivel.

Thus, she shotgunned her drink, took another shot of vodka that she had ordered on the side, and slid both empty vials to the bartender. Sveta slapped the surface of the counter twice for extra punctuation.

“Alright, that’s me cue tae leave. Time tae go set up; I expect ya cunts in the first row, aye lads?” she asked half-heartedly, pushing her stool back and getting to her hooves.

Dusting herself off, Sveta added as she walked by:

“An’ try not tae give each other any diseases while I’m gone? Who knows what Fred’s frail immune system is capable of…”

Fredrick was quick to stop her, however. There was just one more thing that had to be done to kick the true feeling of vacation and camaraderie into motion.

“Hold on, Svet’!” he beckoned, stopping her in her tracks.

He then fished his phone out of his pocket… and after countless experiences with ‘selfie’ pictures, Stella knew exactly what was about to happen.

She thrust both her fists into the air, then wrapped her left hand around Fredrick to lean in close.

“Awrite! Picture time! Sveta, get yer arse in here!”

Naturally, the younger sister of the two was most perplexed by what Stella meant, as well as the small slab of metal that Fredrick had fished out of his pocket.

She shrugged, but rejoined the two on Fredrick’s left as he prepared the mysterious piece of technology in front of them.

“Okay… whaddya mean? And what the shit is that?” she asked while observing Fredrick manipulate the screen to his liking.

She became even more shocked when a reflection of the three of them stared right back at her from said screen… but just barely on account of the darkness.

But at this point, if Stella was as excited as she seemed, then the questions could come later.

Fredrick held his phone at arm's-length and readied the front-facing camera.

Stella pressed her cheek right up against his face while Sveta opted for a more respectable distance, yet still wrapped her arm around him.

Two sets of bosom were pressed into his back. Fredrick was more than okay with this, and was given extra cause to smile for the impending picture.

“Alright, shitlords! Smile for the camera and let’s kick off the week!”

And then there were three smiles. Fredrick’s bright, perfect-teeth baring grin, while the two Sabre sisters held their usual smiles.

*SNAP*

Several more pictures followed, including a ‘retarded face’ one, a ‘sexy’ one where they donned their hilariously sexiest poses possible, one where they both kissed Fredrick’s cheeks, as well as one that looked like Sveta was choking out Fredrick while Stella looked on in horror.

For Fred, he knew this would be wonderful week to come; he could feel it in his gut. He knew for a fact he’d be seeing some weirder shit as he always had been oft to do when Stella was involved in some measure.

This entire week would be dominated by her and her family; so it could be the end of the world for all he knew.

But it was time to take things bit by bit, and forego his usual scheduling, planning nature.

More specifically, was time to watch Sveta play some sweet-ass guitar tunes.

Up next:
Sveta shreds her guitar and other sisterly bonding.