Of all the places that we had to stop at, the lawless port was actually not that bad. You see, when I say it was lawless, I mean that there were no laws explicitly stating that you could not or could do anything. It was sort of like what Fallout New vegas portrayed a post apocalyptic society as; The strong made the rules and the rules were followed unless someone challenged their authority. Therefore, if you pissed the wrong person off and he decided to off you it was only your fault and if anybody interfered they were would be dealt with accordingly.

If I decided to say, steal an apple, the purveyor of the apples had every right to beat an apple's worth out of my hide and then leave me to die on the side of the road.

It was a pretty nice system, and surprisingly enough, there were less crimes committed in Oblivion than in many cities in Equestria.

Of course, that's because of the definition of crime. In Equestria, just littering the streets with litter, even if it was from someone who was trying to kill you, was a crime that could sentence you to prison for a good time.

In Oblivion, litter lay about the old cracked streets. Ancient blood stains and quite a few bodily fluids were easily noticeable the second we stepped off of our boat after bribing the local 'authorities'. The local authorities were really just gang members from the gang currently in power, the Big Boys. They were lead by the Big Boss.

How creative.

At any rate, the bleached white stone surface at the harbor entrance to the port was covered in blood and signs of previous gore, some of which had probably happened not that long ago. Bird dropping littered the entrance and thankfully my nose was still mostly burned out from the fact that none of us had had baths in a great many days. (I was pretty sure that I hadn't had an actual bath in a month or two. I still had blood stains, both dragon and diamond dog and whatever else I had killed sticking down my fur.)

I must've stank pretty badly.

Boss probably could still smell everything. She was a dog and she had the nose of one. "So. Where can we find a place to clean off?" I asked the group.

Boss quickly relayed my request to Catastrophe who gave me an odd look. <"Didn't place him as one to care about hygiene."> She muttered something unintelligible and pointed ahead. <"There is a hotel ahead."> She wordlessly conveyed that she didn't trust it with a single eye roll. <"The race is tomorrow. I'll go take care of registration once you get a room.">

Boss followed her gaze and nodded. "There is a hotel ahead, if you don't mind keeping your valuables on board the ship." She stopped for a second. "Not that we have valuables."

Catastrophe looked confused.

Boss clutched her head with her one working paw. "Right. I'm going to have to keep switching." <"Just telling them what you told me.">

She nodded.

I grit my teeth. "I should probably try to learn Equestrian." I muttered, throwing the world around me a dirty look as if it were its fault that I couldn't understand what the pretty griffon was saying. It's like trying to talk to swedish supermodels.

And she basically was. Aside from threatening to make me less than a male, she was perfect in every way. HEr wings attached to her back in a smooth manner and her walk attracted my eye like nothing else could. Her beak, perfect for piercing and flaying and devouring her prey seemed to call to me.

I had never dealt with a crush before, or had issues with interspecial domination preferences. That's just one of those things that never really popped up back on earth, if you know what I mean.

But the very concept of trying to date something that could eat me was alluring and interesting. To use an analogy, she was the spider and I was the fly.

Wow. I really do need help.

At any rate, the dirt encrusted pavement looked like it fit our weary stained bodies a whole lot more than the clean griffon that had just joined our party.

And then something odd happened which I instantly suspected was from the spider burrowing into my brain.

Ivan gained a new title!

Interspecial Flirt.

It's ok to flirt with disaster. I just wish you wouldn't literally do it.

I let out a little bit of a yelp at Malice's voice that drew everyone's gaze to me.

"Digging through your brain is such sweet fun. Though what the heck all that porn is doing is something I don't want to even touch."

I blushed slightly and shook my head. "Nothing. Just thought of something I could do."

The griffon let out a snort. <"Stare at my ass a little more?">

The diamond dog stifled a chuckle at my expense. <"As if, he hasn't even looked at that part of you yet.">

I blinked and assumed that I had just been insulted. I kept my head low to hide my embarrassment. "This is just like high school..." I muttered.

Canary and Boss both looked at me oddly before rolling their eyes. Canary sighed. "Right. Do you think we will have enough to have his head checked out if we win this race?" His slightly gruff voice rang out over the street and drew the attention of yet another group, this one composed a pegasus with their cutie mark burned out and a few griffons.

I'll say this now, the pegasus looked like a slut. And from what I imagine she was saying, she was a slut for hire.

The griffons, who were all male I might add, seemed almost enraged at the very thought of what he had said. Which was odd because he had not said it in Equestrian.

<"Hey Bitch? Are those your slaves dirtying our ears?"> One of them said.

I suddenly felt like having a grudge against Equestrian. Every time someone spoke it I felt like I was being insulted.

Boss opened her mouth and replied in the asshole tongue. <"Yes, and I'm not sure how your ears could be dirtier."> She sniffed the air. <"You smell like cheap sex and cheaper plumbing.">

Catastrophe looked mildly impressed by her retort, so I had a feeling she had said something witty.

The other griffon, the one that spoke, seemed to puff up with anger, his wings spreading in a primal instinct to make himself look bigger.

It made him look like a scared parakeet. For whatever reason, he had dyed the bottoms of his wings a bright green.

"He looks like a scared parakeet." I noted out of my thoughts, making Canary go into gales of laughter and for Boss to smile widely.

<"What did he say?"> The griffon snarled. <"What the fuck did he say?"> He friends seem to egg him on, probably in the Equestrian equivalent of make him pay or something.

I probably would've taken him more seriously if I could understand it. As it was, his gibbering made me think he was some punk trying to look brave to impress his friends or his mare.

Or both.

Catastrophe, the angel on the streets, look mildly amused at the conversation. I took that as a good sign.

<"He said your mother was cleaner when he slept with her."> Boss called out loudly.

A feeling of impending doom fell down upon me as the griffon turned to face me. His lackeys remained next to the slutty feathered equine, leering at her.

He took a few steps closer. <"He said that?"> His statement ended in a questioning tone, but his voice was a cold steel in consistency.

I noticed, out of the corner of my eyes, that the rest of the griffons had reds and blues under their wings. Must've been some sort of urban street ware or something. Boss nodded. <"Do you have a problem with that?"> She bared her fangs at the griffon.

The green abomination of fashion, I mean seriously, the green was fugly as hell, opened his mouth. I think he might've been scared if Boss wasn't missing an arm. He stopped and smirked, his beak looking not half as awesome as it should. <"I can see your slave mark, bitch. I wonder how much money I can get out of your body?">

Boss recoiled like she had gotten sucker punched. She covered a mark on her chest with her remaining paw.

I could tell that something dramatic was happening, but trying to understand it was like playing a game of JoJo's bizarre adventure. I don't speak Japanese and there was punching people and something about a demon mask. That was about it.

Oh yeah. And Dio is a dick.

I nodded, though snapped back to attention when the shouting started. Some odd unicorn who was striped white and black stepped in. I really don't think he was a zebra, the stripes were perfectly straight like someone had tried to draw him on MS Paint and gave up after striping him. He also had a waving flag for a cutie mark.

"Uh... what happened?" I mumbled, seeing the group retreat from me and the griffon stand across from me.

Boss growled. "He challenged you to a fight. Kill the idiot and loot his corpse!" She repeated it in a whisper so Catastrophe could understand her.

I nodded. "Sounds like a plan." I shouted back. The mere use of my tongue to taint the language of my choice seemed to spur the griffon to action.

He was just a griffon, and I had tamed a dragon. It seemed like a simple equation to my eyes on who would win.

And then he revealed what all of his bad tempered stomping and squawking had hidden from my eyes: He drew what looked like one of those swords you see in an anime, you know, the ones that can like do special things like destroy your soul and place it in a place of eternal pain and suffering while you are whipped by hot dogs?

Ok, scratch the hot dogs.

The referee nodded at both of us and spoke in Equestrian like an annoying idiot. Ok, maybe I shouldn't insult them for speaking another language.

"Freaking mexicans." I swore.

<"Right, now I want a nice fight boys. Anything goes except for love and audience intervention. Seriously, if one audience member intervenes I will throw you in the harbor."> He jabbered on and on.

"Can we please just fight?"

<"Start!"> The unicorn ref made a sound suspiciously like a gun and I drew disconsolate as a reflex action, not wasting a round of my time.

Unluckily for me, my opponent had already drawn his sword so I couldn't count on him wasting a round drawing the cumbersome looking blade.

As yet another reflex action, I held back from letting loose the contents of my bowls on the streets. The instincts of my current form kicked in and threw me into a terrified panic, like my mind was screaming that I was going to die.

Every inch of my body filled with nervous energy as my flight reflex kicked into full gear.

And of course, at that very moment, the ref pulled up a magical bubble shield to box us in.

The only thing that I was really thinking was what the hell.