Why the Nobles Are Big, Stinky, Stupid Heads.

by Clockworklich

Chapter 1: By Twilight Sparkle.

"Yes yes yes yes yes yes!" Twilight cheered as she hopped down the hall leading to Princess Celestia's room for her favorite time of the day. Study time! Princess Celestia was Twilight's all time favorite teacher. She taught Twilight the best stuff and gave out the best homework. As she turned down the hall she could see the door to Celestia's room, slowly opening while giving off a golden glow to allow Twilight to pass into bookish bliss.

"Oh! Careful, Twilight." Celestia said as she quickly moved her leg out of the way so that her faithful student wouldn't crash head first into her golden boot. "You don't want to hurt yourself."

"Sorry princess," Twilight said as she hopped from hoof to hoof in excitement which caused Celestia to look to the clock on the wall and grow a guilty expression.

"You should be sorry. The palace is not a place to be running around! That's what playgrounds are for." The stern voice of Tight Schedule replied. Twilight looked from Princess Celestia to her chamberlain and back a few times before frowning.

"Princess?" Twilight asked with quivering lips and wide puppy eyes which only made Celestia even more uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, Twilight. I didn't mean to lose track of time, but I need to finish preparing for the speech I'm giving today." Celestia apologized.

"Come now princess the clock is ticking! We must hurry!" Tight Schedule reminded as she led Princess Celestia out. Scrunching up her nose in anger, Twilight was about ready to throw a temper tantrum but stopped herself by doing Cadence's breathing exercises. Having calmed down a little Twilight allowed herself to fall onto her rump as she contemplated on what to do with the free time she suddenly found herself with. As her eyes roamed across the room her eyes fell on a large roll of parchment on the princess's desk and a smile grew on her face.

"I know!" Said Twilight as she hopped over to the desk. "I'll write a short essay! That always cheers me up. And I already know the topic!" She squealed with excitement.

Later that day.

"And therefore it is with great pleasure that I present to you the unveiling of the statue of Tooth Decay! The great hero who single hoofadly saved half of Equestria's sugar supply from total destruction!" Celestia proclaimed to the massive crowd as she used her magic to pull the rope allowing the tarp to fall. As the crowd cheered loudly for the greatest hero Equestria has produced in two hundred years. Smiling Celestia looked down at her scroll and was about to roll it up when the color purple caught her eye. Once she saw what was written there she smiled widely. Celestia struggled internally for a moment on what to do. But only for a moment before clearing her throat loudly which somehow silenced the massive crowd.

"Um pri-" Tight Schedule started to say before Celestia silenced her with a hoof and began to read again.

"Why the nobles are big, stinky, stupid heads. By Fake Name." At those words, the silence became a void as everypony stopped moving. If Celestia hadn't known better she would have sworn that time itself had stopped.

"The nobles like to act like they are better than everypony else. But as this essay will show you they are not that smart. We begin with Tight Schedule from the house of Snooty. Tight Schedule is a grumpy pony that likes to yell a lot about things like not running in the halls. But then she makes the other ponies that work at the palace run in the halls by yelling at them to work faster."

"Secondly she often takes Princess Celestia to do the silliest things. Most often she would take the princess to chase a wild goose. She would do this when somepony else would give her some bits." After Celestia read that part out loud, she turned to Tight Schedule, who had been trying to sneak away. She suddenly found her hooves held to the floor by a golden glow. She could do nothing but sweat nervously as Celestia continued.

"I think she is having the princess chase that one big goose they keep in the palace gardens as it is the only goose I know of. Maybe it chases Tight Schedule around too and she wants revenge on it. Though I can see where she is coming from as that goose is evil and can bite tushies really hard, that's a job for the guards, not the princess."

"But let's not use too much paper on just her. There are still others that I can add to this too, like Sir Money Grubber; the pony in charge of the treasury. Now you would think that when a noble would get a job counting bits he would be able to do basic math, but no. I don't know where he is going wrong, but every time he writes down less than what comes in. What's more confusing is nopony else noticed all of the extra bits that must have piled up in the treasury by now. And when you try to correct his work he gets really mad and chases you away."

"There is also Captain Froo Froo of the Royal Guard. Captain Froo Froo is considered by most to be a genius when it comes to training and I can understand most of it. But he sometimes gives himself training that he doesn't give to the guards that makes no sense. Like some times when the princess is away, he will go into her room and try on her jewelry and makeup. When I first found him doing this he said it was special training he gives himself that makes him stronger and that Princess Celestia said it was okay. I don't really understand it but he is the captain of the Royal Guard. I asked if I could try so that I could finally beat Shining Armor in a noogie fight but I've been doing it for five months now and I haven't gotten any better!"

"Next on the list is Lord Two Timer. He normally spends his time being a bully. Princess Celestia often tells him that he should be nicer to ponies and make some friends and here is the weird part: he does. He is one of the ones who talks to Tight Schedule the most before she takes the princess to chase the evil goose and he would take them to the princess's room to jump on her bed. In fact, he makes lots of friends because I never saw him bring the same filly twice. I don't know why because it sounds like they're having fun. I know because they like to shout -" Celestia stopped with a frown. She was glad this was happening during school hours. And she had things even less appropriate for young ears to say to Two Timer later. Still, she decided to just skip over the rest of this part. She'll also need to remember to have all of her sheets and blankets burned and to order new ones. Scratch that, she needed her entire bed burned and replaced after this.

Skimming down through the words written down on this paper, Celestia started to turn green with each passing second. Ten paragraphs later, she came to the end of what will be an extremely awkward topic of discussion with Twilight's parents when they find out about this.

"I mean why would you complete an assignment given to you by the princess and not turn in the work to get the credit? Lord Two Timer has a lot to learn about homework. Speaking of needing help with homework that brings us to Lady Clause Trap who needs to work on her basic biology. Because every time I met her she pokes me in the nose insisting that she's pushing my boop button. Now I have done extensive research on this matter using the palace library to study books written by such minds as Doctor Dissection and Doctor Boo Boo. I also tested and searched my own nose in the mirror which proved nothing except that you shouldn't put a toy otoscope up your nose or the part you look through can break off and get stuck up there. As such I can say with absolute certainty that there is no boop button! I have drawn up charts and diagrams to try and prove to her that she is just poking me in the nose but she just stared at me for a moment before doing it again! I can even see her mouth moving when she makes the booping sound, she's not fooling anypony. She should just admit that she was wrong already."

"I can go on and on about this subject but I think I have proven my point on the matter thus proving that nobles are in fact big, stinky, stupid heads." After reading that, Celestia looked back up at the crowd to see that it had gotten significantly smaller. Looking carefully she noticed that every last noble including the few that were written about on her scroll had disappeared while she was reading. The only exception was Tight Schedule who was still magically attached to the floor. Perhaps I should give those jobs to ponies of a more modest ancestry. Celestia thought to herself.

"Tight Schedule. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Celestia asked the panicked mare. Realizing that her attempt to escape earlier in her moment of panic as well as the fact that all of the other nobles have fled lost her any chance to brush it off as lies right off the bat. She could only lower her head and let out the absolute worst profanity in the pony language.

"Oh glue."

The End.

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