“It makes no sense!” Twilight declared, sounding exasperated.

“Uh huh. Pinkie Pie not making sense,” I stated flatly.

“Look, I know she does silly things, but these are impossible things. She’s telling the future by random body twitches. That makes no sense!” the librarian insisted.

“Pinkie once hosted a birthday party for Princess Luna in my dreams. Ordinarily, I would think I just dreamed it, but Diamond Dust and the Princess have both confirmed while I was awake that it actually happened. DD basically lives in my dreams now, and Luna’s power is to dream walk, but as far as I know Pinkie hasn’t been able to do anything like that before or since.”

Twilight took a very long swig from her coffee. “So you’re saying…”

“You can spend your free time trying to make scientific sense of Pinkie Pie if you want to, but I-”

“Not that I need your permission for how to spend my free time, by definition, but I think I will do just that,” Twilight said.

I sighed and shook my head, finishing off my own tea before standing up. “Alright. Just as long as it doesn’t get in the way of your duties. Have fun with that.”

“I think I will,” she answered, sounding defiant for some reason.

We both headed for the door shortly thereafter, for different destinations. Let her deal with Pinkie Pie’s nonsense. I had my own issues to deal with.

“Thank you for making time for me so soon,” the Prince said as he telekinetically pulled out a chair for me.

I took a seat across from him at a table at the fanciest restaurant in Ponyville. As well funded as we were now, I could afford to eat every meal here if I really wanted to, but it felt like a waste of money to me. But for a first date? It was quite fitting, and I could see why he had selected it. Was it a date, though? I could actually see him eating in a place like this just as an average meal.

“I wouldn’t want to keep a Prince waiting without a good cause. Speaking of causes, what brings you to Ponyville?” I split my attention for a moment, as I let my waiter know what I would be having, while Blueblood wordlessly did the same with his own waiter. As fancy as this place was, I was pretty sure they were going to extra lengths to impress the pair of us, or probably just my royal companion.

“Why you do, my dear. Was I not obvious enough about it?”

“A girl likes to hear it said outright,” I said with a blush and a smile.

“Then I’ll say it again. I’ve come to court you,” he said plainly.

As obvious as it had been, it still gave me pause to hear it said so clearly and plainly. It was one thing for Rainbow Dash to blurt things out, but this was a stallion who clearly knew exactly what he wanted and what it would entail. He had a confidence about him that felt much more genuine than Dash’s bravado. He was the hunter and I was the prey and it made me tingle inside with excitement to realize it. It felt backwards and perfectly right all at once, and I mentally cursed this cursed body for how it messed with everything.

“If that’s alright, of course?” he added, breaking me from my runaway thought train.

“Yes. We’ve only just met, so it’s too soon for me to commit to anything much, but you’re welcome to court me until I say otherwise. I’m a bit surprised to learn I’m your type, however.”

That put him on the spot, and he took a second to formulate an answer, but delivered it smoothly. “Is it that strange that a Prince would court a powerful and exotic mare, sorry, woman who is clearly on the rise? For that matter, royalty marrying high ranking soldiers is a long standing trend, arguably rising to the point of tradition. Why, my cousin, the Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, is herself courting the Captain of the Guard.”

A princess dating a guard felt more natural to me than a prince doing so, perhaps as a matter of the stories I heard growing up. But I really didn’t need to poke at the premise too hard. It had been some time since I had been dating Rainbow, and I had been alone and without prospects aside from Diamond’s offers of ‘wet dreams’. At the least I could give the Prince a few dates and see if things came together better with the stallion than it had with the mare.

“So you thought to court an exotic military woman? I am impressed that you would devote yourself to the cause enough to move out to such a remote location. Though I suppose it can’t be too remote, given how often the Princesses visit. Still, I haven’t managed to make it up to Canterlot myself yet.”

“Oh, you simply must let me give you the royal tour then, when time allows. I believe you will find everything quite a bit better there. The palace, the food, the theatre. So much to show you.”

I nodded quietly. “I look forward to it. I’m originally from a town a bit smaller than Ponyville, and I haven’t had the best experiences in large cities. But from everything Rarity has said about it, I imagine it will prove much nicer than Midgar.”

“Smaller than Ponyville? It’s difficult to imagine such a thing,” he said with a chuckle.

“We had a Mako power plant there that supplied energy to the surrounding area, and produced materia for export. The town basically existed just to provide for the workers at the plant,” I told him. Glancing around I chuckled. “We didn’t even have a single restaurant. The inn where travellers would stay was the closest we had, but pretty much everyone had better home cooking.”

“Truly the frontier then,” he said with a chuckle that made me wonder whether he was joking or laughing at my hometown. All that went out the window though as he set his hoof gently on my hand and hit me with a charming smile that sent my emotions spiralling out of control. “Where are my manners though? This is your hometown, you’re talking about. It must be full of such fascinating memories.”

With that he got me talking, and I quickly lost track of time. He was a skilled conversationalist, and managed to let me learn a fair bit about him, as well as Canterlot, the nobility, and the royal court, without leaving me out of the discussion or jumping around strangely. He was smooth in exactly the ways that Rainbow Dash wasn’t, and by the time we left the restaurant, I was grinning uncontrollably and looking forward to another chance to just talk with him.

“May I escort you home?” he asked chivalrously as we got outside.

“You may, if you’re up for it. I live a short way into the Everfree forest. Will you be ready for a fight if monsters decide to make trouble?”

“Nothing we can’t handle together, I’m sure,” he said with confidence that wasn’t reflected in his eyes. Still, if he couldn’t handle the pathway to my front door, our relationship was going nowhere.

Our journey was derailed, however, by the sound of an alarmed eek from above as a half dozen frogs fell toward our heads. Blueblood deftly snatched them in his magic before any of them could hit us or the ground.

“Thank you for catching them. Would you mind carrying them along with us? This is the last load,” Fluttershy asked as she hovered a little lower. Her hooves were full of additional frogs, and more were lined up and down her back, a pair sitting between her ears.

“Kindness, report. What’s the situation?” I asked firmly.

Thankfully, she’d gotten used to it enough that she now answered promptly instead of trying to disappear. “The pond was overrun with frogs, sir. I’m relocating many of them to Froggy Bottom Bogg, where there’s more room and suitable food for them, sir!” She snapped a salute before realizing the mistake, and I deftly caught the frogs that fell as a result.

“I’ll accompany you,” I said. “Sorry for the detour… You’re welcome to come with us if you don’t mind a bit of mud.”

His eyes showed more fear of the prospect than they had of talk of monsters, but to his credit he once again steeled himself for the challenge and nodded. “I would be happy to accompany you ladies on this urgent errand. Here, allow me.” A bit of his magic wrapped the three of us for a moment, and the feeling of slick sliminess disappeared. As we started to make our way out into the wilderness, I realized he had cast some kind of cleanliness spell on us that kept the dirt, mud and slime from sticking to us.

We got to the bog and began releasing the frogs, distributing them as Fluttershy directed, when a few of our other friends arrived.

“Fluttershy?” Applejack asked as she approached.

“Fluttershy? Oh! And hi Cloud! Hi DD! And who’s your shiny new friend?” Pinkie inquired. Diamond Dust waved back even though we both knew Pinkie couldn’t see her. Somehow she knew.

“Fluttershy! You’re okay!” Spike said, sounding both relieved and, for some reason, surprised.

“Of course. Cloud and Prince Blueblood helped me carry the last load out here,” the pegasus confirmed.

“I’m so glad everything’s all right,” Pinkie said. She looked like she wanted to say more but Twilight cut her off.

“Sorry, I know it's not nice to gloat but... Aha! I told you there was nothing to worry about, and I was right. Pinkie Pie said whatever she was shuddering about was a doozy, and,” a cough interrupted her a moment, as gasses roiled off the bog behind her in response to motion from within, “and the only doozy here is how right I am.”

While Twilight was talking, though, a massive reptilian neck topped with an angry looking head rose from the swamp behind her. Then another, and a third, and a fourth. “Elements, attack plan gamma-6!” I ordered. I felt stupid for leaving my sword behind during the date, but at least my uniform was on under the dress, giving me access to its protection and a few pieces of materia.

“Allri-yi-yi-yight!” Pinkie replied as a massive shudder vibrated her entire body. Pulling a red piece of materia from her mane, she faded into the ether just as one of the heads swooped in to try to snap her up.

“Y’all’d best skedaddle,” Applejack advised Blueblood as she ran back fifty paces and stopped. I stopped by her side as Twilight, Fluttershy and Blueblood continued past. Riding Twilight’s back, Spike began drafting a quick scroll before sending it off with his green flames.

The body of the massive creature arose from the swamp on two powerful legs, revealing the form of the hydra as a single monster, shared between the four heads. It roared in anger as countless parasprites attempted to devour the predator, but had no real success in the matter. It proved distracting, however, and bought time as the hydra was momentarily confused, even after the tiny creatures faded back into the ether, and Pinkie reappeared mid-run.

The hydra began running toward us again, and Applejack made her move, lassoing one of its massive legs and giving a sharp tug that tripped the beast, at least for the moment. However, she wisely let the lasso go rather than pit her teeth in a direct contest of strength with the powerful creature, and began running toward the others.

That made it my turn to buy some time, or more precisely Diamond Dust’s. I faded into the ether as the windigo emerged, pushing all of the energy I had provided her into a powerful wave of cold, freezing the bog water and pinning the hydra in place. I turned and ran as well when I swiftly returned to the material world, already hearing the ice crack, though the hydra seemed a bit sluggish in its movements.

As I ran, I could see up ahead the others had gotten themselves cornered on a cliff edge, with only a few tiny pillars bridging the gap to the far cliff. The hydra would be unable to follow us there, if we made it across, but it was a treacherous crossing. Blueblood had managed it already, and Fluttershy’s wings made it much safer for her. Spike was going next.

As I approached, though, a rainbow colored streak shot by, leaving my sword embedded in the ground ahead of me. A loud crack signalled Dash’s uppercut striking the hydra in one of its jaws, while a very different kind of crack signalled the first round from Fluttershy’s rifle firing a tranquilizer dart at another. While she was reloading and Dash’s movement had brought her clear, I called on one of the materia in my sword to ignite the noxious gas around the hydra’s body, setting off a fiery explosion.

Being scattered as much as we were made things troublesome for the hydra. The heads were apparently in disagreement about which foe to engage, and they began trying to pull the body in different directions, making it vulnerable to our sustained ranged onslaught. Rainbow Dash rained lightning on it, Pinkie assaulted it with colorfully exploding fireworks, while I lashed out at it with magic. Whenever it got too close to Pinkie or I, we disappeared into the ether, leaving a summon in our wake to assault the creature and distract it.

The monster was tough, and we were running low on magic and ammunition when it finally succumbed to its injuries, collapsing when Pinkie hit it with the dazzling barrage of colorful explosives she referred to as the ‘Grand Finale’. A strange wooshing sound came from her then, and she shouted “ding!”

“So… that was the doozy, then?” Twilight asked as we began to regroup. “That was quite a doozy.”

Pinkie’s whole body vibrated again and she shook her head. “Nope! That was just a boss fight, though I did level, so that was great! The doozy is still to come.”

“I think we had best all leave promptly before this ‘doozy’ arrives then,” Blueblood suggested.

“Good idea,” I said, and Blueblood, Rainbow Dash, Spike and Fluttershy joined me in heading back to Ponyville. Twilight and Pinkie caught up to us a little later, with Twilight looking defeated and Pinkie pronking along happily. “I hope you won’t find this rude, prince, but from now on I’ll bring my sword along on our dates. Just in case.”

“I must say, that was a jolly good sho-” Blueblood began before a rainbow blur cut him off.

“You! Were! Awesome! And how awesome was I? I was all wooosh! And then Fluttershy- Fluttershy!”

“We all did well out there, today,” I confirmed. “You and Spike, especially, were awesome, and really made our victory possible with your timely reinforcements.”

“Oh yeah!” Rainbow said, holding out her hoof for me to meet it with a fist.

“Perhaps when we get back to-” the Prince began before sputtering as he got a faceful of rainbow tail from Dash shifting positions to keep centered in my field of view.

“Now see here!” he objected, lifting her out of the way with his magic, and leaving her levitating awkwardly off balance for the moment.

“Blueblood: unhand my subordinate. Loyalty: apologize to the prince.” The same commanding voice earned reluctant obedience from both of them, each looking me in the eye as if to ask if I was serious before my look convinced them I was. Deep down I was a bit nervous ordering a prince I had only just met around, but it was worth it. Especially seeing the look of respect in his eyes when the matter was settled and we were on our way once again.

We came to the road leading from town to Fluttershy’s cottage and my own home in the Everfree. “Well, I suppose this is where we part ways, for now,” he said, dropping the pretence of being brave enough to face the forest, at least for now. I couldn’t think too ill of him, he obviously wasn’t a combatant and he had just gotten through a dangerous situation with a hydra.

“Right. I’ll see you again soon.”

“Tomorrow? Lunch? Same place?” his look of optimism was too adorable for me to turn away.
“Sure.”

The two pegasi waved goodbye to him, as Spike accompanied him the rest of the way to town, soon joined by Twilight and Pinkie as they caught up with us, deep in their own excited conversation.

The three of us walked to Fluttershy’s cottage, the element of Kindness breaking off to attend her animals with a gentle smile and a wave. That left Dash and I alone the rest of the way, deep in conversation about the fight, everything that had gone well, what we could do to be ‘even more awesome’.

It felt great, like a kind of ‘high’ was running through us after our victory, and we were feeding back into each other by revelling in it together. It distracted me, and kept me from thinking clearly. So when she took the chance to dart in and kiss me, the only thing I could think to do was open the door and invite her inside.

“So… does this mean we’re dating again?”

“No. It means I succumbed to temptation. A temptation you shouldn’t have offered if you respected me.”

“Ouch!” she replied, recoiling as if struck. “You know I have more respect for you than anypony! Besides, what do you even see in that stuck up prince guy anyways?”

“You respect me, just not my boundaries?” I suggested.

“Hay, that’s not fair! You were every bit as into it as I was!” she objected.

I sighed, nodding in defeat. “Alright… it’s not your fault, but that still doesn’t mean we’re on again.”

It was her turn to sigh. “Look, I’m sorry the, uh, thing didn’t work out… maybe I can find a smaller one?”

I looked at the strapon she had gotten me for hearth warming, cringing at the memories of our failed attempt to use it. I had been prepared for pain, maybe even a bit of injury. I knew virgins could have it rough, and the size of that thing promised to be a challenge. But while the inner end had no trouble slipping into Dash, no amount of warming up, applying lube, or trying different angles had managed to get the flared tip inside of me.

The trouble was, a real stallion wasn’t going to be any easier. After a bit of silence, Dash picked up on my train of thought. “Wait, if you can’t even get the tip in, then what about Prince Charming? Are we going to have to start calling him Prince Blueballs?”

I didn’t have a real answer, so I settled for kicking her out.

The next morning I stopped by Twilight’s library to check in and help file the after-action report. “Why are you wearing an umbrella hat?”

“Pinkie’s tail’s twitching. What can you do?”

I glanced at the pink mare who was wearing a matching rainbow colored umbrella mounted to her head, and saw her tail was indeed twitching. As was her right eyebrow.

“And that means something?”

“It means look out for falling objects. You should be careful too. I may not understand it, but her Pinkie Sense clearly has predictive capabilities.”

“And what’s the Pinkie Sense saying with the eyebrow twitch?”

“Oh, that’s not my Pinkie Sense,” Pinkie declared. “That’s my Shipper Sense! And it’s telling me there’s a big change on the horizon, something I never would have expected. Not in my wildest dreams. Not even in your wildest dreams! Though come to think of it, your dreams don’t seem all that wild. You should work on that.”

“Well, I am dating a prince now,” I mentioned, though I worried my blush and lack of eye contact would clue them in on last night’s slip up somehow.

“No, that’s too predictable. He’s been on the chart since day one,” Pinkie said. “I bet this one’s going to be a doozy.”

“Is your Shipper Sense as reliable as your Pinkie Sense?” I asked with a bit of trepidation.

“Nope!” she admitted. “But it’s twice as fun! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a chart to revise!”

As the mare pronked away, I shook my head and refocused on the librarian. “If we could set questions of my love life aside for now and focus on our job?”

“Gladly,” she said, perking up. We set to work on the report, getting every relevant details straight before handing it off to Spike to deliver. We started discussing Pinkie’s precognition abilities and whether and how they could be applied to the defense of Equestria when Spike let out a surprised exclamation.

“Princess Celestia to see you, Cloud,” he announced after a moment, and the diarch soon slipped in through the upper doorway behind him, descending the stairs with a smile on her face, the report held in her magical grip and held aside as she approached.

“Miss Strife, a pleasure to see you again. If I might inquire, how are things going between you and my nephew?”

“Well enough. We haven’t had that long to get to know one another, but he was a charming gentleman-” Twilight corrected me with “gentlecolt” as I continued to speak. “-the whole time. We were planning to meet again for lunch today. Why do you ask?”

“Good, good. I do hope things go well between you two. It’s important for a mare to have a special somepony in their life, don’t you think? If you ever have any trouble with him, just let me know and I’ll be happy to talk to him, and help straighten things out.”

“Sure… but why do you care?”

“Cloud!” Twilight objected, but Celestia raised a wing to still her.

“I care about all my little ponies, and I also care about the other citizens of my realm, such as yourself. But admittedly family and friends more than most. Am I wrong for hoping my nephew finds good fortune? I do think you’ll be happy with him, don’t you?”

“We’ll see…”

My lack of commitment seemed to bother the princess, but she didn’t press the issue. “I look forward to more good news from both of you. In the meantime, I must get back to Canterlot, and look over this report of yours. I’ll be seeing you.”

As I watched her go, I began to pine for simpler times, like life or death battles with hydras. They were certainly a lot more straightforward than my love life.