"Please tell me you didn't..." Starlight closed her eyes then started massaging her temples. She could feel a migraine coming on even before Shifty had said a word. "You didn't do something stupid like kiss her, right?" She laughed nervously.

"No..." The weak whimper from the voice crystal made Starlight exhale in relief. "She kissed me."

"What?!?" Starlight slammed both forehooves on the desk, nearly toppling it. Every hair in her mane rose up with such drive she almost became bald.

"On the muzzle!" Shifty added in an I'm-so-ashamed-but-by-the-stars-I-really-liked-it tone of voice. "It was so sweet you can't even imagine. Like one second and poof, everything went blank. I couldn't see anything. I've no idea how I managed to get out of there. The stuff is really powerful, I tell you!"

"I see..."

"Like, Chrysalis really picked the wrong pony to impersonate. If she had taken Shining's place, she'd have been so drunk on love, like I couldn't tell you."

"Okay..."

"I mean, I've been harvesting for years, and I couldn't even imagine there was anything like it!" There was a slight pause during which Starlight could hear the changeling swallowing the drool gathered in his mouth. "Best thing, it has practically no calories. Pure, healthy, non-fattening love which tastes of bittersweet cherries mixed with mustard and alcohol."

"So it was delicious, I get it!" Starlight snapped. "Maybe move to the important bit? Like the exact extent of the problem?"

"Oh, right, sorry," the changeling coughed, then swallowed again. Great, a changeling in love, Starlight facehoofed. Some things I could have lived without witnessing. "So I went and put an end to all of my flings."

"As if you haven't tried that before," Starlight grumbled under her breath.

"Most took it okay enough. I got a slight increase in calories, but thanks to your idea it doesn't matter. I can always resell the stuff."

And now I've made him into a businesschangeling. Starlight slapped herself on the head again.

"Problem is with the... official ones." A slight pause followed, so much so that Starlight could feel her mane tingle again.

Oh, no you don't! She stood up and turned her back to the voice crystal. No way in Tartarus I'm going to ask. You can keep your overcomplicated life, and your problems, and your three families! I don't want anything to do with it!

She opened a cabinet drawer with her magic and levitated all the files in front of her. the number was impressive, having in mind the hotline had only been working for about a day. And those were only the official ones. The more "complicated" calls were kept off the record, though knowing Twilight she was probably already thinking of a system to automate things and log every incoming request. When that happened, Starlight would have to find a way to counterspell the process in such a fashion so as to leave no trace. There were calls that nopony had to know about... such as Rainbow's confession.

Reading files. The unicorn hummed, doing everything in her powers to keep her back to the voice crystal. Would you look at that? Twilight definitely had an interesting night. Lightning discharge... I wish I could get a proper magical problem, instead of these messy friendship ones. Technically, Twilight must deal with friendship. I'm just... Drops of sweat started to appear on her forehead. Gnashing her teeth in desperation, Starlight summoned the summoned the first book she could think of and opened at a random page.

There we go. Starlight focused on the picture in the upper half of the page. An example of sensitive areas on pegasus wings. What?!? Her face turned crimson as she stared as the illustration of a pegasus wing extended in such fashion so that all sensitive areas were visible and clearly marked. She slammed the book shut, reading the title. The shade of purple deepened.

"What in Equestria did I..." she gasped. This was the worst possible time for literature of that nature.

"Having technical difficulties again?" Shifty asked helpfully.

Starlight levitated the book, along with all the caller files, back in the filing cabinet. I'm going to return that to the library right after the call. She focused her attention back on the voice crystal.

"Yes, yes," she replied in her most convincing voice. At least she had no problem lying... which was a problem in itself. "I'll tell Twilight to get it fixed." She brushed the sweat off her face. "As you were saying?"

"I'm not sure now to break the news to my spouses," Shifty hiccuped. "I told my fiancé, but she didn't take it too well. Quite traumatic stuff. I think I might've broken her heart..."

"Oh, we all make silly mistakes. " Starlight waved a hoof before realizing what she had heard. "For your sake I hope you're joking!" she snarled, squinting at the crystal.

"It was hard for me too!" Shifty said defensively. "I actually liked Derpy."

"Derpy?" Starlight blinked. "You were engaged to Derpy?!" Lovable clumsy Derpy? The amusing mailmare that everypony likes? That Derpy?! Oh, you've done it now, bug! There are things that even a student of the Princess of Friendship cannot forgive! "What exactly did you say?" she hissed at the crystal. Maybe if I focus enough magic through the crystal I could roast you like a pancake?

"Err..." A series of fwooshing sounds followed, each annoying Starlight more and more. Please, continue stalling… Her horn started glowing. "Well, I delicately suggested that maybe our relationship had runs its course?" The hesitation in his voice convinced Starlight beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was lying. Her horn glowed brighter. "Actually..." Another pause. "I just said I'm breaking up because I was intoxicated by Princess Twilight's love." Starlight's eye began to twitch. Her mouth opened, yer her brain couldn't come up with anything she felt was harsh or sarcastic enough to say. As far as she was concerned Shifty had just proven he's an idiot. "Derpy got rather upset."

"Soooo," Starlight began calmly, her voice as soft as silk. "Derpy got rather upset, eh?" Her horn was bursting with magic, glowing with the brightness and intensity of a miniature star. "Shifty, sweetie, where exactly are you right now?"

"Huh? Sugarcube Corner, why?" the changeling asked, surprise in his voice. "It's the noise, isn't it? Sorry. Some foal is having a birthday and is making a racket." Starlight's horn faded back to normal. Oh, you're so lucky, you fat bug! She tisked. There was no way she could risk hurting anypony else, especially foals. Then again, there would be other opportunities. "Oh, I nearly forgot! That's not the main reason I called."

"Oh? You broke the news to your husband and two wives as well?" Starlight slammed the desk with her hoof. If only the desk was your stupid fat face!

"That would have gone better, I think," the changeling considered. "Tree Hugger isn't bothered by such stuff, Caramel is so much in love he'd agree to anything if it would make me happy, and—"

"Wait!" Surprise washed away all the rage that Starlight had gathered, leaving her utterly confused once more. "Caramel's your husband?" That's almost as ridiculous as Tree Hugger marrying anypony! Next you'll tell me that Rainbow Dash... She stopped. That thought would have been great yesterday. After this morning, things were a bit different.

"I know, right? Yet for some reason he insists on keeping it a secret." The shrug could almost be felt through the voice crystal. "He isn't sure the town's ready to accept it yet. That's not the most important, though!"

Silence. Starlight looked at the voice crystal. It was still glowing in its soft light, indicating that both it and the spell maintaining it were functioning as expected. This is bad. She swallowed. Experience had taught her that the degree of the problem was always proportional to the length of the pause in a conversation. This had lasted ten seconds so far, so it had to be huge. The unicorn stared at the crystal in hope.

Fifteen seconds.

Starlight's eyes grew wide. Subconsciously she leaned forward, ears focused to hear the slightest sound.

Twenty seconds.

Starlight bit on her hoof. What? What did you do? Just say it! You proposed to Twilight? You got an angry mob after you? What?!?

"Umm, you see… When I broke up with Derpy, I might have gotten a bit upset..." An apologetic laugh followed.

"Get on with it!" Starlight shouted with all her voice.

"IusedmymagictosendafurioushivemessagetoQueenChrysalis," he said hurriedly, in attempt to hide the meaning. For several seconds Starlight just stood there, left eye twitching, mouth carved in a maniacal smile. Then she bucked the chair through the door and out into the corridor.

Kill you! I'm going to kill you! Let Luna banish me to the moon, I don't care! The desk cracked under the pressure it was subjected to as Starlight slammed her hooves on it. Starlight closed her eyes, trying to find a reason not to destroy the room and everything in it.

"You waltz into Ponyville," she began, each word dropping like a cube of ice. "You take several identities, start a bunch of relationships, marry three times, fall for Twilight—of all ponies—break the heart of the most lovable character in Ponyville, and then have the nerve to provoke Queen Chrysalis into attacking?!" Starlight's tone increased as she talked—from shouting to glass shattering.

"It's not my fault!" Shifty whimpered. "Do you know what alicorn kisses are like? They’re like pure alcohol! I might be a bit tipsy now, but you should have seen me ten minutes ago, before I took an ice shower."

"Sure! Blame it on Twilight, why don't you?" Starlight crossed her forelegs.

"No, really!" He insisted. "Like... remember how you fell under the table when Trixie share a bottle of her family's liqueur?"

Starlight suddenly froze. She didn't think anypony had witnessed the incident, but apparently she was wrong. Shifty must have been there disguised as a tree or rock or rat... He had probably seen her take a glass of the liquid fire that Trixie had so innocently called "juice with a kick." Strictly speaking, Starlight was clueless what had happened afterwards. All she could remember was waking up in Cloudsdale on top of town hall without a clue as to how she had gotten there. Apparently it had been quite the adventure—one she had sworn Trixie never to mention to anypony under threat of being brainwashed.

"I recall a bit," she lied, casting a quick repair spell on the desk.

"Well, it's the same for me. Who knew?" He hiccuped again. "I'm much better now. So, umm, what do I do?"

"Huh?" Starlight gaped at the crystal. "What do you mean what do you do? You caused this mess!"

"Well, true... but isn't that what the hotline is for?" He asked with a slight hiccup. "You know, friendship problems and all?"

"Look—"Just because this is a friendship hotline doesn't mean you can dump every problem on me! If I wanted to solve all of Equestria's problems I would have continued brainwashing villages! "—this is not what the hotline is used for. If you had an argument with somepony—like Derpy for example—or issues with your family... families, then you use it. You don't use it to let me know we'll be having a changeling invasion!"

"Well, umm, err, technically it's a family issue." Shifty had no intention of quitting. "And there won't be a changeling invasion. Seriously, you need to see a therapist or something. I mean, that would be great for a book, but it's a bit overdramatic for real life."

I'll give you overdramatic when I zap your vocal cords out of your fat shell! "Okay, so what exactly is the problem?" Starlight levitated another chair to her and sat down.

"Raiding party," he said. At this point Starlight had gone well beyond the state of shock. Tirek could come from Tartarus and ask her for tea and she wouldn't be bothered one bit. "Maybe you could, you know, somehow tell Twitwi to expect a changeling raiding party?"

"Twitwi?" Starlight glared at the voice crystal.

"Too soon?" Shifty asked with far more concern than in any other moment during the conversation. Someone definitely needs to work on his priorities, Starlight thought. "Twily? Sparkles?"

"Sure, why not?" the unicorn sighed. "I'll tell 'Twitwi' to expect a changeling raiding party to invade Ponyville, because a changeling literally got drunk on her love and made an crazy call to Queen Chrysalis calling her an idiot. Anything else?"

"Could you skip the part about me? I don't want Twitwi to get a bad impression of me." Shifty hiccuped. Starlight rolled her eyes.

"Nooo problem." Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed. If I survive this raid, I'm writing this all down in my memoirs! "That all? Do you want me to console Derpy, by chance? Or maybe have Rarity prepare your wedding dress?" She thought for a moment. "Twilight's wedding dress." She thought a bit more. "Your wedding dresses! Whatever!"

"That's really kind of you, but I'm sure Twitwi will want to organize everything herself." Shifty's voice had become alarmingly dopey. "And I'll find a way to make it up to Derpy."

Maybe I could just kill him and erase everyone's memory of him? In the grand scheme of things that's a good thing. First thing I'm doing is finding a changeling reveal spell!

"Thank you!" a sigh of relief came from the crystal. "You really are good at this. Twitwi was really smart to put you in charge."

Ha! If you think that would make up for the mess you caused, think again! Starlight snorted. However, as much as she resisted the flattery had taken the edge off her anger.

"I really hope this is the last time that you call!" What has become of my life? I'm giving friendship advice to a changeling with an eating disorder... Starlight tapped on the crystal, not giving Shifty a chance to say another word. The three messes he made were more than enough. Now she was supposed to tell Twilight that the "love of her life" was actually a changeling who might well have caused the destruction of Ponyville.

Just another day at the friendship hotline, where every call is—

*blink* *blink* *blink*

Starlight recoiled from the crystal as if it were a poisonous snake. Her subconscious had taken control of her body and was repeating one word: run! The first two calls had already messed up her mind more than enough. Should she risk a third?

The crystal kept on blinking. The traitorous little thing kept on going, knowing it held power over her.

You win! Starlight tapped it with her hoof, already regretting the action. "Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline. This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Good morning, Miss Glimmer," the caller greeted eloquently. "This is Silver Spoon, I believe we met briefly when you teleported to assist with our use of the hotline yesterday."

"Oh, yes, I remember." Which one was Silver Spoon again?

"I'm sorry to bother you at such an early hour, but the matter is urgent. Scootaloo aims to take over Equestria, and plans to do so this weekend."