“And so the duck says, ‘Got any quack-ers!’”

                

Inside of Sugarcube Corner, Discord let his last sentence hang in the air as he stared at Pinkie Pie expectantly. He raised both of his white bushy brows before extending his eagle claw proudly up into the air to her.

                

In response, Pinkie Pie cocked her head to the side. “Where’s the joke? Was there a joke in there? I honestly don’t get it.”

                

Discord’s smile dropped, but his upheld arm did not. “Whatever do you mean, Pinkie? Quack-ers! A duck asked for some quack-ers! It’s hilarious! Hysterical even!” He wiped away a stray tear from his eye. “And to think… it only took me fourteen hours to come up with that.”

                

Pinkie Pie grimaced. “Sorry, Discord, usually you’re really funny, but this one just…” She tried to think of a nicer way of putting things. “Maybe a three-point-four on the comedy scale?”

                

“Out of what?” Discord growled.

                

“Ten?” Pinkie replied earnestly.

                

Discord visibly shook with anger as his eyes rolled all the way into the back of his head and back. He glared at his upraised claws. “So that means you’re just going to leave me hanging, then? No hoof-bump for little ol’ Discord for his fun little joke?”

                

Gravely, Pinkie Pie had to decline. “Afraid not, Discord. Comedy is serious business and if I let just any joke slide through, then what’s the point of trying to be funny at all? But if it’ll make you feel any better, I’ll give you some butternut caramel toffee on the house.”

                

“Bah!” Discord spat, still keeping his eagle claw up by his head. “Nopony leaves Discord hanging! You know what would make me feel better, Pinkie? You really want to know? Fine! I’ll show you!”

                

Using that same upraised claw, Discord snapped them a single time and seemingly nothing in the room changed.

                

Uneasily, Pinkie Pie glanced from side to side behind the counter. “What was that supposed to do?”

                

Discord barked out a laugh. “Wouldn’t you like to know!”

                

“I would! That’s why I asked!”

                

Discord rolled his eyes at her. “Let’s just say the stakes have been raisin… ed. They’ve been raised… but with raisins!” He sighed angrily. “You understand what I’m getting at?”

                

Pinkie Pie shook her head from side to side happily. “Nope! But if you’ll excuse me, I really should be serving my other customers now.”

                

Discord’s lips curled up into a snarl. “Oh, yes. Go on and help your precious ‘customers’, Pinkie Pie. Help them all day long if you must!”

                

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Okay, then! I will! It is technically my job.”

                

By the time the couple of ponies behind Discord approached the counter, Discord had already thrown a small smoke-bomb against the ground and quickly scurried out the shop in plain sight. Pinkie Pie ignored him for the most part to smile warmly at her latest customers.

               

“Hi! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! What can I get for you today?”

                

A stallion standing next to a mare pondered for a moment. “We’ll get two peanut-butter cups and three bits worth of chocolate-covered almonds.”

                

“Coming right up!” Pinkie exclaimed, before her hooves became a mass of swirling pink colors as she swiftly filled out their order. Once the customers had paid and exited from the shop, Pinkie Pie deposited their coins into the cash register and noticed the oddest of sights before her.

                

The bits she’d just deposited inside the register had all become raisins.

                

A cold chill crept up Pinkie Pie’s spine. “But this shop has a ‘no raisin’ policy,” she whimpered out. “Who would even do this?”

                

That was when a horrifying shriek pulled at her attention and the doors to the shop shot open again. Then stallion from only a moment ago rushed inside, flushed and enraged.

                

“Just what is the meaning of this?” he yelled at her. “Is this some kind of sick joke? My wife almost ate one of those things by accident! She’d had a panic attack because of you!”

                

Pinkie Pie held a hoof to her chest. “I… what… what do you mean? What’s happened?”

                

The stallion took the bag of sweets he’d just purchased from her and turned it over, spilling out hundreds and hundreds of small raisins out onto the floor. When one happened to touch his hoof, he shuddered and hurriedly kicked it across the room away from him.

                

“Raisins?” the stallion yelped. “I thought you were better than this, Pinkie! Destroying the town dam is one thing, but trying to sell us raisins instead of sweet, sweet candy? I never thought I’d live to see the day when Pinkie Pie was anything less than super-duper awesome with a side order of totally cool. But, alas, here we are.”

                

With his head held low, the stallion left the shop as a single tear coursed down his cheek. His pile of discarded raisins remained where they were spilt.

                

Behind the counter, Pinkie Pie hitched in a small breath and tried to remain calm.

This was all a part of Discord’s joke, right? He got a little mad so he turned some of the shop’s product into raisins. That’s it right? That’s the joke?

                

Gulping dryly, Pinkie Pie reached for another item in the showcase—this time a triple-chocolate cupcake with thick strawberry frosting. Sadly, the moment it grazed her hoof, it fell apart into another equal-sized mound of small raisins.

                

Pinkie Pie’s eyes instantly became the size of dinner plates.

                

“I need to see Twilight about this.”

 

“Okay, let’s give this a try,” Twilight Sparkle spoke, holding out a lone apple towards Pinkie Pie. She leaned forward until the fruit gently nudged against the mare and burst into another small pile of raisins. Already, there had to be several thousand discarded raisins on the floor surrounding Pinkie Pie.

                

As Pinkie Pie burst into tears, so did Applejack.

                

“Can you please stop using my apples for this experiment of yours?” Applejack pleaded. “I just can’t stand to see all my good apples going to waste being turned into so many horrible nasty raisins.”

                

“Fine,” Twilight told her. “We’re out of apples anyways. But at least we know a little bit more about this ‘curse’ Discord placed on Pinkie Pie. Everything she touches turns into raisins—not including herself. If anything touches her, it’s the same. More raisins.”

                

That last sentence only made Pinkie Pie sob even harder. “I’m a monster! Now no one will ever want to be around me ever again!”

                

“That’s not true, Pinkie,” Twilight told her lightly. “I’d give you a reassuring pat on the head right now, but I honestly don’t want to turn into a pony-sized bunch of raisins. But even if we can’t remove this curse, I’m sure somepony out there likes raisins enough to want to be near you.”

                

Rainbow Dash flew over to Twilight to pull her aside. “Why are you feeding her lies, Twilight? You and I both know that nopony likes raisins! It’s a fact! A scientifically proven fact! Only bad foals get raisins during Hearth’s Warming Eve. As a punishment!”

                

Twilight sighed dourly. “I know that, Rainbow Dash. But you think telling Pinkie how much everypony hates raisins is going to help her right now? We’ll find a solution. I know we will.”

                

“I might know of one such solution,” Rarity added somberly, joining the pair’s hushed discussion. “Pinkie Pie cannot touch anything because it will only turn into raisins, correct?”

                

The two mares nodded.

                

“She also cannot eat anything right now, because the moment something touches her tongue it, too, will only turn into more raisins.”

                

The two mares nodded again.

                

Twilight tried to add helpfully, “But she could always eat the raisins that she touches. At least then she wouldn’t die of starvation if she ate them.”

                

Rarity closed her eyes and shook her head at her. “Oh, sweet and gentle, Twilight. Think for one second, will you? Would even you eat a hooful of raisins if it meant living another day? Can eating raisins even be called living? I, for one, would rather starve than eat a single solitary raisin, and I doubt I’m alone in saying that. That’s why I think it’s for the best if we simply put Pinkie Pie out of her misery.”

                

At that, Twilight blanched. “Kill Pinkie Pie!?”

                

Rarity shushed her. “Be quiet, Twilight. It would be easier if she didn’t know. But perhaps it would be better for the mare. I mean, look at her. Can you not see what sort of pain she’s already in?”

                

The three mares turned to Pinkie Pie again to find her sprawled out on the floor in tears. Each tear that leaked out of her eyes was swiftly turned into a single raisin before it hit the ground.

                

“I’ve always told Sweetie Belle two things,” Rarity continued on unperturbed. “One: if I’m stuck in a coma for more than a week, pull the plug. And two: if I ever tell her I like raisins, then I must be a changeling in disguise, because nopony likes raisins.”

                

“But,” Twilight began crestfallen, “we can’t just kill Pinkie Pie, can we?”

                

“Mercy kill, Twilight,” Rarity corrected. “It’s what Pinkie would want us to do in her hour of need.”

                

“You girls talking about mercy killing over here?” Applejack asked plainly as she moved towards them. “Well, too bad. Pinkie Pie’s already gotten that idea in her head and it’s already backfiring on her. So far she’s tried a shovel, a pickaxe, a large rock and already all that stuff’s been raisin-ed.” She furrowed her brows in thought. “Is raisin-ed even a word? Probably not, but it fits.”

                

Again, the mares turned to Pinkie Pie. This time, Pinkie had positioned herself underneath a large anvil tied to a length of rope that she then dropped onto her head. The moment it made impact though, it only burst out into another several thousand tiny raisins that spilled out all around her.

                

“This is worse than I thought,” Twilight said, watching her friend once again collapse to the ground in anguish. “Time to get Princess Celestia in on this.”

 

“Raisins?” Princess Celestia asked. “Everything she touches turns to raisins?”

                

Twilight gave a nod. “Afraid so, Princess. That’s why I’ve got Pinkie Pie encased in a magical bubble to protect her from the outside world… and to protect us from her in turn.”

                

In Princess Celestia’s large and lush study room, the six mares stood together while a floating purple bubble hovered in the corner of the room—Pinkie Pie safely stored inside.

                

“Have you thought about,” Celestia asked timidly, “you know.” She raised a hoof to slash across her throat.

                

“Thought of that already,” Twilight informed her dryly. “At the moment Pinkie Pie is literally death proof. No object can touch her without instantly turning into raisins now.”

                

Hanging her head low, Celestia strolled over to her study’s window to peer out of. “Discord’s gone too far this time, Twilight. Destroying the multi-verse? Understandable. Stealing Flurry Heart’s nose and never giving it back? Terrible, but not unforgivable. Forcing some pony to either eat raisins or die? That’s one step too far. Doesn’t Discord realize nopony likes raisins?”

                

“I like raisins,” spoke someone from the doorway area.

                

Celestia and Twilight turned to find Flash Sentry smiling at them both.

                

He took a single step inside the room. “You two were talking about raisins? I happen to love raisins! Raisin tarts, raisin pie, chocolate covered raisins. All sorts of that stuff.”

                

Celestia rolled her eyes in disgust. “Who told you to leave the castle basement, Flash? I need you down there—to guard the castle’s royal snack machine, remember?”

                

Flash’s ears fell flat against his head. “But it’s cold and spooky down there, Princess.”

                

Celestia snorted. “Well, yes, I did design it that way. But unless you want to start working in the castle’s basement-basement…”

                

“The basement-basement!?” Flash screamed out in fright. “But that place is even colder and spookier than the castle’s normal basement!”

                

“I know,” Celestia told him snidely. “So maybe you’ll get back down to the regular basement and leave us normal ponies alone?”

                

“Right away, Princess! Right away!”

                

With that said, Flash Sentry whirled around and hurriedly disappeared out of sight—his odd raisin loving ways forgotten once more.

                

Twilight exhaled in exhaustion. “This still doesn’t help Pinkie Pie, though. You think we could reason with Discord about this? Show him exactly what sort of damage his curse is causing?”

                

“I had a better idea,” Celestia said, flicking her wavy mane out of her eyes. “I think it’s time Discord understood just how much ponies hate raisins.”

 

***

 

On a wide open field stood Discord—his eagle claw still upraised and patiently waiting to be slapped. As he eyed the several thousand ponies and creatures before him, he awkwardly played with his wispy beard and appeared as disinterested as he could. Because he was genuinely disinterested.

                

At the front of her gathered army, Princess Celestia stood, bullhorn in hoof. “Discord! I will give you one chance and one chance only! Undo this curse you have over Pinkie Pie or be torn asunder by the forces I have assembled here today. Not only do I have every last guard from Canterlot and the Crystal Empire at my disposal, but the remaining Elements of Harmony, Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, every yak from Yakyakistan, and every dragon from the Dragon Lands here with me today.

                

“Not only do I have all of them to fight you with, but also the combined efforts of Queen Chrysalis, King Sombra recently returned from the dead and Lord Tirek let out of Tartarus due to good behavior. Our old enemies have agreed to help us today for one reason and one reason only—their severe hatred for raisins and all things raisin related. If you do not undo what you have done to Pinkie Pie in the next sixty seconds, we shall attack as one and no mercy will be found here today.”

                

King Sombra took a step away from the battalion to mutter gutturally. “Crystals… slaves… raisins… eww…”

                

Bringing his lion paw to his mouth, Discord yawned and stretched out his back. “Is that it, Celestia? And here I thought you actually had something important to say. But go ahead and do your little ‘battle to the death’ if you must. Just make sure it’s over before dinner time. I get peckish when I haven’t eaten in awhile.”

                

Clearly perturbed, Celestia pointed a hoof in Pinkie Pie’s direction, who was still isolated in her small purple bubble. “You talk of hunger, Discord? Seriously? While that poor mare in there hasn’t eaten a single thing in over forty-five minutes? Have you no shame, vile creature?”

                

Discord rolled his eyes. “It’s Pinkie Pie that should be ashamed! I told her the best joke in the entire world earlier today and do you know what she did? She left me hanging! And I’m still hanging! What’s this world come to? Tell me!” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his paw. “Quack-ers is funny! Quack-ers is hilarious, darn you!”

                

That was when a small laugh filled the immense silence over the battlefield. Soon, thousands of eyes drifted to the purple bubble floating near the edge of the field. Strangely enough, Pinkie Pie was somehow laughing again—truly laughing again. A moment later the bubble surrounding her popped open and she toppled to the ground, keeping a safe distance from the several thousand soldiers nearby.

                

Alone and still giggling to herself, Pinkie Pie trotted to Discord to stop in front of him.

                

She told him earnestly, “I’m sorry, Discord. You were right. That joke wasn’t really a three-point-four on the comedy scale. More like a seven-point-six. Maybe it only took me some time to fully understand its brilliance. And I never should’ve left you hanging like I had. True friends don’t leave friends hanging. Not ever.”

                

A bit of softness edged into Discord hardened expression. “You… actually mean that, Pinkie? You really did like my joke?”

                

Pinkie Pie nodded.

                

“Then perhaps I went a little too far with this one,” Discord admitted openly. “I have a horrible tendency of overreacting, if you hadn’t noticed. Most draconequi do. Can you ever forgive me, Pinkie Pie?”

                

Pinkie Pie smiled warmly at him. “Of course, Discord. Here! Highfive!”

                

That was when Pinkie Pie leapt up into the air to knock her hoof against Discord’s upraised eagle claw. The moment she did, the tips of Discord’s claws began changing into tiny raisins and tumbling to the ground.

                

“What…?” Discord choked out, horrified. “What have you done!?”

                

Turning her back to Discord, Pinkie Pie told him dryly, “You went too far this time, Discord. Even you should’ve realized that. You know nopony likes raisins.”

                

“No!” Discord wailed, as his entire being was slowly turned into raisins, pooling onto the grass below. His cries of terror only ended once his jaw was transformed into more raisins before it detached from the rest of his face.

                

Princess Celestia and Twilight hurried across the field to Pinkie Pie.

                

Twilight asked her with bated breath, “Discord… you completely raisin-ed him, Pinkie. Does that mean the curse is lifted now?”

                

“Only one way of finding out,” Pinkie said, before she whistled to Applejack to throw her an apple. Once she caught it in her hooves and it remained the way it was, she let out of sigh of relief. Then she threw the apple to the ground to stomp on with a hoof. “But I feel like something sweet, actually.”

                

“Oh, come on!” Applejack shouted to her aghast.

                

That made the three of them laugh good-naturedly together.

                

Once she was done laughing, Twilight turned to Celestia. “You really think that’s it for Discord? He seems almost impervious to death by this point—turning into a hill of raisins or not.”

                

Celestia shook her head gravely. “I highly doubt it, Twilight. Give it a day or two and Discord will be back. He always finds a way to come back. He’s too entertaining not to.”

                

“Wow! Guys! These raisins are awesome! Come try some!”

                

Twilight, Celestia, and Pinkie Pie turned to find Flash Sentry again, knelt down in the middle of the field and nibbling on the raisins that only a moment ago used to be Discord. He pleasantly chewed and chewed in visible joy.

                

“Flash!” Celestia exclaimed. “What did I tell you about leaving the basement? The royal snack machine may be under attack right this very minute!”

                

Flash glanced up at her with a mouthful of raisins. “But all the guards in Canterlot were summoned for the battle against Discord, remember?”

                

“That’s it!” Celestia shouted angrily, pointing a hoof back towards Canterlot. “Your new job is now in the basement-basement! Congrats! Protect the royal water fountain as best you can, soldier!”

                

Flash hung his head down in shame. “Uh, shucks.”

                

That made the several thousand onlookers laugh and chuckle in delight.

Even some of the raisins that used to be Discord laughed a bit at that one.