The Dangers Of Teleporting While Intoxicated

by naturalbornderpy

Chapter 1: The Benefits Of Teleporting While Intoxicated

The doors to Princess Celestia’s bedroom opened by a small crack and a thin ray of light hit Celestia square in the eyes. Sluggishly, she pried one heavy eyelid up to watch as one of her personal guards entered her room with a lantern.

At the foot of her bed, he stopped. “Princess?” he began timidly. “It’s happened again.”

Celestia grunted and pushed her head further into her pillow. “Yaks?”

The guard shook his head.


Again the guard shook his head. “Afraid not.”

“Is the sky falling?”

“That seems highly unlikely, Princess.” The guard swallowed dryly and couldn’t look Celestia in the eyes. “Perhaps it would be easier if I simply informed you that she has returned.”

Celestia shut her eyes again and dug her head further into her pillow. “If it’s Queen Chrysalis again, then my sister can take care of her. Luna always does go on about not being included on anything important.”

The guard beside her bed chuckled anxiously. “Well done joke, Princess. First rate. But, alas, it was not Queen Chrysalis who we found stumbling around the gardens tonight.”

That last statement made Celestia sit up in bed as fast as a spring.

Finally, she faced her guard. “Her? Again? That’s the third time this month she’s been here. You didn’t give her any more—”

“Cider, Princess?” the guard finished for her. “Of course not. She was asking for some, but no guard gave her any. At the moment, she is in the castle kitchens searching for sustenance. Or as she put it: ‘anything greasy or crunchy’.” He stared at the floor with a blush. “Do you want us to do what we did last time, Princess? Wake the chef and then send her on her way after she’s been fed?”

Celestia rested her head on a hoof and deliberated for a moment. If this was to become a reoccurring event, it would help if she understood it more.

“No, that’ll be all right,” she told her guard. “I will take care of her this evening. As always, keep this little… event just between us and the guards, yes?”

The guard gave her a curt nod. “Of course, Princess. Shall I escort you down to the kitchens, then?”

Celestia eventually rose out of bed and gave her frazzled mane a quick flick.

“I know the way. I only hope we have some cheese left in stock.”


By the time Celestia made her way down to the castle kitchens, Twilight Sparkle had already laid waste to a box of crackers and several dozen chilled red grapes. She hadn’t even noticed when Celestia entered the room—instead focusing solely on opening up every cabinet in the dimly lit room in search of more items to munch on. Twilight had even pulled out one of the kitchen’s stools to help reach some of the higher shelves.

Celestia had to clear her throat to get her attention. “Good evening, Twilight.”

Twilight spun around on the stool she was on and nearly fell. Without thinking about it, Celestia used a bit of her magic to help keep her steady.

Twilight studied her for a moment, opening and closing her eyes slowly enough that Celestia thought she might suddenly fall asleep on the spot. Eventually, Twilight mumbled out, “Rarity? What… what are you doing in my castle? Did I invite you over at some point?” She blinked heavily again. “I can’t even remember now.”

Celestia felt her cheeks flush and was at a momentary loss for words. Twilight must’ve drunk way in excess earlier that evening if she actually thought she looked anything like her unicorn friend. Perhaps the lack of light in the castle’s kitchen helped with the illusion.

The last two times Twilight had accidentally teleported to Canterlot, Celestia had simply made sure she was taken care of and returned back home safe and sound. This evening was the first time she’d actually greeted Twilight herself. Would she be embarrassed if Celestia told her exactly where she was and exactly who she was, too?

Celestia only hoped she was making the right decision.

“Actually,” Celestia began, trying to find the right voice for the job, “this is my house we’re in. In fact, you teleported here just a few minutes ago. Any idea why you’d do that, Twilight?” Twilight gently swayed on the spot until Celestia added, “Darling?”

That seemed to perk Twilight up a bit. She sat back down on her stool in front of the kitchen’s lone table to gingerly nibble on another cracker. “Hard to say. Spike and I were finishing up another big experiment and decided to celebrate a bit. Perhaps a bit too much this time.”

Twilight leaned across the table to her. “Something about science experiments working perfectly just makes me want to get a bit tipsy sometimes. You ever feel like that when something goes exactly the way you wanted it to? Anyways, I remember Spike went to bed early and then I…” She let the sentence hang in the air as she pondered.

“And then you teleported here?” Celestia suggested.

A big goofy grin ate up Twilight’s face. “Yeah… that. I must’ve had dresses on the mind or something. Or maybe just snacks. Sometimes when I drink too much, I end up teleporting to places without even realizing it. Whatever’s on the mind—zap!” She laughed at that. Then hiccupped. Then laughed again. “I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t thinking about a volcano or something similar.”

Celestia smiled softly. “You still hungry, Twilight? I’m sure I could fix you up something better than crackers and grapes.”

“Really? You’d do that for me?” Twilight asked happily, before licking her lips. “Sorry about eating all your food already. I promise I’ll pay you back when I can. Got anything greasy or crunchy I could have?” A dreamy expression found her. “Or anything cheesy would be great. Actually, anything cheesy would be better than great.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Twilight,” Celestia answered, moving around the large kitchen while opening up a few cabinets in search of things. Onto the counter, she laid out a fresh loaf of bread and a cheese wheel. She then grabbed a knife with her aura to start slicing it all with. “I always know when I get a bit tipsy sometimes after a dinner party, there’s nothing better than fried bread with melted cheese on top.”

Across the table, Twilight’s mouth hung open a bit, almost as if on the verge of drooling. “If I could marry bread and cheese, I would. But then I’d end up eating it everyday and getting fat, so we’d have to file for divorce eventually.”

Celestia cocked a brow as she continued to work. “What an odd thing to say, Twilight.”

“Speaking of getting fat,” Twilight slurred on unabated, “why do you seem so much bigger than usual, Rarity? You haven’t been eating all of your dress fabrics, have you?”

Now Celestia had to roll her eyes at her. “What a mean thing to say, Twilight.”

Twilight raised two hooves to bury her face in. “Sorry. That was supposed to be a joke that obviously… wasn’t all that much of a joke. It must be all that cider talking. I need to stop celebrating so hard after every successful experiment Spike and I do. Science somehow always brings out the worst in me.”

After Celestia set the bread and cheese slices on the stove for a few minutes to crisp and melt, she loaded them onto a plate and set them on the table for Twilight. Without waiting a single second, Twilight grabbed the closest morsel of greasy grub with her horn and brought it up to her mouth. In mid-panic, Celestia shot out a tiny bolt of freezing air at the steaming chunk of bread so Twilight wouldn’t burn her mouth on it.

Twilight seemed not to have noticed a single thing as she pleasantly chewed and chewed. “This… this is really good,” she told her earnestly, bits of crumbs shooting out of her mouth as she spoke. “Thanks.”

“You’re quite welcome, Twilight.” Celestia sat on the other side of the table again and gave her a thin smile. The smile then faltered as something came to mind. “You mentioned earlier, Twilight, about accidentally teleporting after a few too many—” Celestia shook her head to restart that sentence “—about accidentally teleporting yourself when you thought about places or things too much. What exactly were you thinking about tonight—after Spike and your science experiment?”

Twilight continued to chew without much expression—cocking a single brow. “I guess about food, mostly. Snacks and stuff. And I always knew you had good stuff in stock.”

“Not about Canterlot, perhaps?” Celestia questioned gingerly. “Or castles? Or Princess Luna even?”

Twilight took another bite, before eventually explaining. “Well, I guess I was thinking about Princess Celestia a bit tonight. About how we don’t spend as much time as we used to together—each of us being so busy all the time.”

“Oh?” Celestia felt a bit of ice fall into her gut. “I’m sure if you asked Celestia personally or sent her a letter, she wouldn’t hesitate a single second with spending more time with you. She… maybe she’s only been occupied lately. But it couldn’t hurt to ask, could it?”

Leaning a bit across the table, Celestia only hoped her last statement wasn’t too revealing. Although by the way Twilight continued to consume her toasted cheese bread, it appeared as if Twilight knew very little of what she was saying or even doing at that moment.

Celestia had to admit it was sort of cute—Twilight completely letting her mane down for once.

Twilight gave her an awkward nod. “I guess. I understand, of course. It’s just… I miss being around her. Princess Celestia was always so smart and comforting whenever I was with her. It’s like there’s nothing to worry about when she’s there with you.”

“Besides late friendship reports?” Celestia added good-naturedly.

Twilight snorted at that. “I can’t even remember the last time I sent one of those things. Thankfully, Celestia’s never made mention of it; maybe she’s gotten sick of reading them, too.”

“No, not exactly…” Celestia murmured to herself. She glanced up at Twilight’s plate to find it empty, so she rose from her seat. “Do you want me to help you home, Twilight? It’s rather late already.”

On wobbly legs, Twilight scooted off her stool to stand. “I doubt I’m in any condition to fly… or teleport, either—considering I landed here just by thinking about it.”

“I could teleport you, if you wanted me to,” Celestia spoke lightly.

“Teleport?” Twilight asked her quizzically. “Since when have you been practicing teleportation spells, Rarity? Usually you use your magic for dress making and that type of stuff.”

“I… uh…” Celestia really had nothing to say to that.

“Couldn’t I spend the night here instead?” Twilight asked her playfully. “I mean… us and the girls have sleepovers all the time here.” She paused for a moment. “And I promise not to keep you awake, Rarity, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I think…” Celestia scratched at the side of her cheek. “I think that could be arranged. I could set up one of the guest bedrooms pretty quick… should be more than a few available right now…”

Twilight cocked her head to the side. “Guest bedrooms? Rarity? I thought you only had the two bedrooms in the Boutique? Yours and Sweetie Belle’s.”

It took only a few seconds for that to finally register in Celestia’s mind.

“Oh. I see.”


Unknown to Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle was a complete and utter snuggle bug. Only a few moments after they both lay down in Celestia’s wide bed, Twilight had already curled herself into her chest and nuzzled her head into her fur.

“You’re warm,” Twilight told her with closed eyes, “and there’s so much of you that’s warm. It’s nice.”

Awkwardly, Celestia stroked a hoof across her mane and settled her head into the pillow. She sighed. What an odd night this had become—although perhaps not as odd as the following morning was going to be. Could she teleport Twilight back home before morning? Would that make things less awkward for everyone involved? Celestia would ponder on that as she and Twilight slept soundly for the time being.

Still, Celestia had to admit it was sort of nice.

Having Twilight buried so deeply into her stomach was basically like having her very own small heating pad. Twilight had always been rather soft and affectionate—ever since her days as a hard-studying filly underneath her.

“Thanks again, Celestia,” Twilight said openly. “This was nice.”

Celestia flinched and choked on air. Instinctively, she pulled Twilight closer to her with both of her forelegs. “You... you knew I wasn’t Rarity this entire time?”

Twilight resettled her head on her chest. “Maybe for a little while I might’ve believed you were her, but once you started making me food, I realized something was off. I don’t think Rarity even knows how to use a stove.”

“Then why didn’t you say something earlier, Twilight?”

“Because I didn’t want to ruin anything,” Twilight explained. “I just really liked sitting and talking with you again, Celestia. Being close to you again. We’ve drifted apart lately and I miss the way things used to be. When Equestria was much simpler than it is now and all troubles could just melt away with a hug from someone a whole lot bigger than you.”

“You could’ve told me you felt that way,” Celestia told her earnestly. “Honestly, I had no idea you felt that way, Twilight. I only thought you were being kept busy with your Princess duties alongside all of your friends. Rarely a week goes by that you and your friends aren’t up to something new and exciting.”

Twilight angled her head up to her. “Celestia, have I been here before? I mean… have I teleported here before?”

Celestia laughed quietly. “Only a few times. Does that mean you were thinking about our friendship those times, too?”

Twilight gave a nod. “I must’ve been. Better than those times I wound up inside the Hay Burger looking for food.”

“Do me a favor, Twilight?”

“Anything, Celestia.”

“Let me know beforehand if you and Spike are planning any more scientific activities that might result in excessive celebration.”

Twilight laughed, grabbing hold of one of Celestia’s forelegs with both of hers. “I think I’ll put a stop to all cider drinking for a while. Maybe I only needed to get it out of my system.” She paused. “Will you let me spend the rest of the night here with you? I promise I’ll stop talking if you want me to.”

Celestia smiled at that. “Of course you can spend the night, Twilight, and talk however much you’d like. It sounds as if you and I have a lot to catch up on. But only under one condition.”

Twilight looked up at her again. “What’s that?”

“You make us both pancakes in the morning.”

“I can do that,” Twilight replied.

“And never be afraid to talk to me about whatever’s on your mind. You know, I’ll always be your friend, Twilight. Your mentor and your friend—always and forever.”

“I can do that, too,” Twilight replied, snuggling herself closer to the Princess again.

Author's Notes:

So the idea of Twilight drinking and teleporting came from an earlier (far dumber) story. This was originally tagged as a comedy and as a romance, but I removed them when the overall story wasn't my usual brand of comedy. Also, there's enough Twi-lestia on this site that a story about friendship sounded nice.

I guess you could call this the effects of drunk dialing when something's on your mind. Only in this case, it's drunk unicorns that teleport without their knowledge -- specifically to get cuddles from their mentors.

Also, I think perhaps since leaving Canterlot, Twilight might remember fondly the days when she had less to worry about. Celestia was larger than life and would make everything okay. Sort of like moving out of your parents' house for the first time and wanting to run back and give them a hug less than a month later. :derpytongue2:

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