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Group Precipitation

by FanOfMostEverything

Chapter 390: Census Shaker, by FoME

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Author's Notes:

See The Sparkle Census for full context. TL;DR: A whole bunch of Twilights got together and formed a multiversal lab/social hub/sprawling bureaucracy.

“Name?”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

The instance of Twilight at the desk heaved a sigh. “Please remain calm, miss, I—“ Her train of thought almost visibly came to a screeching halt. She actually looked up from her computer. “Wait, what?”

“Twilight Sparkle,” said Twilight Sparkle, looking around the room. The theme seemed to be “institutional beige,” both carpet and walls different shades of the same almost-color. The desk was more of a brown, and the computer was Model-T black; by obligation rather than choice. “My world’s fairly multiversally aware, so I’m already familiar with the Census.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” The deskbound Twilight ran a hand through her bangs. The other Twilight held back a wince when she recognized the Crystal Prep bun. Rarely a good sign. “You wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get the average human Sparkle to calm down. And that’s assuming one of her parents doesn’t open the envelope first.”

Twilight would’ve been lying if she’d said she hadn’t considered some of the issues with the Sparkle Census since first hearing about it. “Have you considered an alternate method? Or waiting until they’re living on their own?”

That just got a shake of the head. “I’m really not the Twilight to talk to about that. Just go into the door on your right, fill out the questionnaire on one of the PCs, and you’ll have your run of the facility and your complimentary bookmark. Right now, I have a quota to fill.”

That got a shudder and an unwanted memory of working retail. Twilight hastened towards the indicated door. “Good luck!”

“Normally, I’d say luck doesn’t exist, but right now, I could use all I could get.” The Twilight at the desk pressed a few keys, took a deep breath and said, “Next.”

A third Twilight dressed in a Crystal Prep uniform manifested in a flash of light. She blinked, darted her eyes about the room, and took a deep breath.

Twilight zipped through the door and slammed it shut just a few moments after the scream started. A good dozen familiar faces looked up at her from the tables scattered around the equally bureaucratic-looking waiting room and another desk at the front of it.

She cleared her throat. “Sorry.” Then she realized they were still staring.

Then, after a moment, she realized why.

“Why are you an elf?”

“Why do you have a bindi?”

“Oh my Goddess, Twilight, you can’t just ask someone why she’s an elf.”

She was far from the only Twilight in the room, but she was definitely the only unicorn aspect. Almost everyone else was an unaltered human. Two sitting in a corner of the room weren’t even chromelanic. There was one more shaded girl with raven wings and a glowing horn of pure energy, but she seemed as unsettled and confused as anyone else, so Twilight wasn’t going to hold that against her.

Fortunately, Twilight had also spent some time thinking about how to explain the peculiarities of her universe. “Long story short, magic-induced spacetime decay repaired by amending the laws of physics. The ears and headgem are part of the side effects. And the gem’s biological, not religious.” Twilight tapped it with a finger for emphasis.

The browner Twilight of the nonpurple pair scrunched up her nose. “Do we have to call it ‘magic,’ though? It’s just so… unscientific.” That got several nods.

Twilight couldn’t help but smile at that. “Here’s the thing: Magic is just a label.”

Several Twilights traded uncertain looks. The more beige Twilight said, “I mean, technically, but—”

Twilight pressed on before the other could build up momentum. “Gravity is just a label.”

That got a few jaws to drop. “Well now you’re—”

“Electromagnetism isn’t just a label, it’s two labels we had to smash together after Mathwell’s equations made it clear that the same force governed angry clouds and sticky iron.”

That nearly silenced the room, aside from the one Twilight with glowing energy glasses sputtering out, “A-angry…”

Twilight shrugged as she took a seat at one of the unoccupied desktops. “It’s all words at the end of the day. Imperfect but more human-parsable representations of theories better expressed through math and data.”

“I see,” said the Twilight who’d spoken up first. “I’ll… try to bear that in mind.”

“And if it’s just because saying ‘magic’ in a scientific context makes you feel silly, remember, there may be lasagna, bucatini, and antignocchi phases of nuclear pasta in the depths of neutron stars.” Twilight grinned. “It’s okay to be silly as long as the data backs you up.”

A chorus of giggles broke out at that, and the others turned back to their work with smiles on their faces.

“I’m going to have to remember that one.”

Twilight blinked and turned. The Census functionary had walked up to her, an impressed smile on her face. “It can take some Twilights the better part of an hour to accept the existence of magic even after they’ve been teleported to a pocket universe.”

Twilight returned the grin. “It helps that my mentor was Mr. Discord. I’m given to understand that’s rather uncommon.”

The functionary’s eyes went wide as she gave a shaky nod. “Um… Yes. Yes it is.”

Twilight managed to keep the smirk off her face as she watched the bureaucrat stumble back to her desk and slump in her seat. She had a feeling the Census didn’t know what was about to hit it.

Next Chapter: Cultural Outreach, by FoME Estimated time remaining: 52 Minutes
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