Twilight the Third

by MagnetBolt

First published 15th of March, 2017

The most wanted mare in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle is the greatest thief in the world. As she follows in the hoofsteps of her grandmother, she's joined by friends and chased by family, all while trying to make a few bits!

The most wanted mare in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle is the greatest thief in the world. As she follows in the hoofsteps of her grandmother, Twilight Twinkle, she's joined by friends and chased by family, all while trying to make a few bits!

An alternate universe fiction where Twilight Sparkle never entered Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. At least, not without a set of lockpicks. Gilda is her closest ally and friend, and a skilled marksman with her crossbow. And of course there's Rarity Belle, who can wrap Twilight around her hoof with a wink and a smile - and usually picks her pockets in the process. With friends like these, Twilight keeps one step ahead of Shining Armor and tries to get her hooves on all the bits she can carry.

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Special shoutout to Ampris for the cover image. Check her out on twitter at @AmpDragoness - careful, some of her art is NSFW.

Double Fake! - The Night at the Museum

There are three kinds of criminals.

Rubbish criminals steal rubbish things like purses and cash registers from liquor stores and never achieve more than having their mugshots appear in the Canterlot Times somewhere around page six, buried so deep that they might as well share the page with dinosaur bones and pirate booty (excepting for Shivery Timbers, whose booty only appears in Playcolt and deserves at least a two-page spread).

Sophisticated criminals made sure that there wasn't enough evidence to have their mugshot appear in the paper. They quietly made their dirty money without causing a ripple in the fabric of society, and unlike the previous type of criminal, they got invited to rub elbows with even worse dangers to society like politicians and merchant bankers.

The third type of criminal, the type of criminal that Twilight Sparkle was, was a great criminal. They stole things that didn't just have values measured with bits in a ledger, they had titles and history. Great criminals not only left evidence, they left calling cards to make sure that when they appeared in the paper, it was on the front page under very exciting headlines, like artists taking credit for their masterpieces.

That was why she was currently standing on the ceiling of the Trottingham Modern Art museum, looking up (from her perspective - down from the perspective of anyone not under a reverse gravity spell) at one of the most aggressively ugly things she'd ever decided to steal.

Whinnyinstein's Symphony in Pink was, as the name did not imply at all, a sculpture in the loosest sense of the word, made from ruined paint brushes, twine, and scraps of canvas (none of it pink). Apparently it was supposed to represent the debris left in the wake of creation. Or something like that. Highly-paid art critics said that it was an expression of frustration and melancholy. Smart ones knew that Whinnyinstein had bills to pay and that the sculpture looked an awful lot like the contents of his garbage can.

"Guard patrol coming through in twenty seconds," said her partner's voice from the earring in her left ear. Twilight froze in place. A beam of light cut through the gallery from a flashlight as the security guard walked without any haste from one end of the room to the other, never looking up at where she was hiding in the shadows.

"He's gone," her partner reported. "Should be another ten minutes before he's back here, even if he goes the short way."

"More than enough time," Twilight whispered. She started taking the slim silk rope from her saddlebags.

"Explain to me again why we're stealing this thing?" Her partner sighed. "There's no way it's worth anything on the black market. No gems, no gold..."

"It's art, Gilda," Twilight sighed. "It's worth ten million to the right collector. With a decent fence we can dump it for a million before ponies even know it's missing."

"It's just a bunch of sticks," Gilda muttered.

"Leave the art appreciation to me," Twilight retorted, as she cancelled the gravity spell on her rope, letting it drop down towards the sculpture. "Cause I'm gonna appreciate this all the way to the bank!"

"A forgery," Twilight grumbled, putting her head down on the bar, a mistake that she instantly regretted. The place was the cheap, rough kind that wouldn't kick her out and which they could afford with their lightened wallets. The bar hadn't been cleaned in a long time, and parts of her mane stuck to it and peeled away with a disgusting sound.

"At least it was a high-quality forgery," Gilda smirked. "You couldn't even tell the difference."

"It's insulting!" Twilight said, slamming back her glass of hard cider. "It's like stealing from a fellow thief!"

"You do that all the time," Gilda noted, finishing her own glass and waving to the bartender to bring two more.

"Yes, but I do it to thieves I don't like," Twilight retorted. "This is different. I like me. I'd never steal from me."

"Maybe next time you'll listen to me and we'll go after something actually worth a few bits, like the Star of Canterlot."

"That stone is cursed," Twilight snorted. "Every thief that has gotten their hooves on it has died in a week."

"How about the Idol of Borealis?"

"It's a myth."

"The Equestrian Crown Jewels."

"They're being worn by a literal goddess."

"Sounds like you two need some... inspiration," said a sultry voice from the other side of the bar. Gilda groaned as Twilight's ears perked up, swiveling towards the refined tones. "Perhaps I can be of assistance?"

"Rarity!" Twilight grinned, the white unicorn trotting over and almost glowing in the gloom of the bar, so much cleaner than everyone and everything else in the room that the dirt almost seemed to flee before her like a vampony fleeing the dawn. "I haven't seen you since that thing in Trotuga!"

"Where she stole our boat," Gilda grumbled.

"You got another boat," Rarity shrugged, smiling as she trotted over, holding the drinks Gilda had ordered. The regular bartender was nowhere to be seen, the demure unicorn having apparently replaced him when they weren't looking. "Don't hold it against me, darlings, I just had a sudden need to take a trip."

"With all our money, and no return ticket. Come on, Twilight, you were just saying how much you hate thieves that steal from you," Gilda urged. "Tell her to get lost."

"Maybe we should give her a chance," Twilight said, blushing as Rarity leaned over the bar and pecked her cheek.

"If you really hate thieves that steal from you, I might happen to know where the real Symphony in Pink is," Rarity whispered, fluttering her eyelashes at Twilight. "You're taking all the blame, but it was stolen last week... if the rumors are right."

"Let me guess, you want us to go and steal it back," Gilda said, with the expression of someone sucking on a lemon while their friend was kissing the lemon tree and saying how great and sweet the fruit was. It was, admittedly, a very specialized expression.

"Oh yes, that would be lovely," Rarity said, smiling at the bird. "Though I'm afraid there's not much time. You see, it's currently at an auction house. After tonight, it could be halfway around the world."

"After tonight?!" Gilda snapped. "No way. That's not nearly enough time to plan anything out."

"Oh, but Twilight, you've got such a big, smart brain," Rarity pouted, turning away to look at the bottles, bringing down an expensive bottle of scotch to pour herself a small glass. "You know how much I admire that in a mare. Intelligence can be so attractive, don't you agree?" Her tail swished from side to side as she spoke, Twilight's eyes following it.

"Very attractive," Twilight nodded.

"I'm sure you can think of something and we could split the profits. Say, fifty-fifty?" Rarity turned around, smiling sweetly.

"No way," Gilda frowned. "Twilight, we can't work with her. She'll just ditch us as soon as we have the sculpture!"

"Come on, Gilda, it's fair," Twilight said.

"Sixty-forty," Rarity offered. "I might need your help with this, but you wouldn't even have a job without this information, and isn't revenge worth throwing a few bits my way?"

"Fine," Gilda huffed, looking displeased. "But when this bites you on the flank, don't come crying to me."

"I was hoping Twilight would be my date," Rarity pouted. "At least I can get her to wear a dress."

"Be happy about the suit," Gilda retorted. She adjusted her tie anyway, aware of the attention she was getting as the only griffon in the room. Her suit was ruffled and creased from disuse. Twilight's plans rarely had her act as a face. Usually she was busy being the muscle instead.

She liked being the muscle. She didn't have to smile at the idiots around her.

"So what is her plan?" Rarity asked, while Gilda poured herself a drink from the buffet table at the back of the room. A few ponies were already in their seats in front of the stage, but the rest were milling around, probably trying to get a feel for how the others would bid. The auction house was plush and ornate, with the same kind of decor as an opera house. Everything was draped in velvet (expensive looking, but Rarity had whispered quietly after looking at it closely and declared that it was cheap material that she'd never use herself) and lined with gold details, even the decorative statues and gilded flowers - including lilies, ironically.

"You know Twilight," Gilda shrugged. "She's got some plan that I couldn't understand without stealing a PhD first."

"I didn't think you could steal those," Rarity raised an eyebrow.

"She put herself through college by breaking into Canterlot University's records department and marking her own bills as being paid. First thing she ever stole was her education."

"Oh yes," Rarity mumbled. "As I recall she mentioned there was something with a dragon that kept her from devoting herself to higher education..."

"Yeah," Gilda said, downing a glass of bourbon in one gulp. "Not bad. They've got the good stuff here, and-" She stopped as she saw somepony else walk in, and her eyes went wide as she shifted towards the wall, talons reaching for the small folding crossbow she had concealed under her jacket.

Rarity's hoof touched the crook of her elbow, making the motion look more like she was leading the elegant unicorn somewhere instead of grabbing for a weapon.

"Not now," Rarity hissed.

"That's Shark Puncher!" Gilda growled, her beak barely moving when she spoke. "He's part of the Trotski Mafia!" The big earth pony stallion had an eye patch that only made his remaining eye work twice as hard at being squinty and enraged at everything it saw.

"Darling, this is an auction for, among other things, stolen art," Rarity said. "What were you expecting, chartered accountants?"

"Shark Puncher swore a death oath on Twilight after the thing with the... well, with the shark," Gilda said. She could see that he was still walking with a limp, and that his jacket didn't entirely cover up the scars from when his pet had started to nibble on him.

"She'll have to be careful, then," Rarity said, unconcerned. "Come, then, let's take our seats."

Twilight stood on the roof of the auction house. It didn't look like much from the outside, just some noble's summer home. With very few windows on the first floor. And a secure wall around it. And guards who were extremely well trained.

All of that may sound suspicious - it is, for anypony who's entirely legitimate. However, you didn't get to own a summer home if you were an entirely legitimate type of person.

Up close, though, Twilight was impressed. Somepony had paid a lot of money to make the place secure.

"You'd have to be some kind of master thief to get into a pad like this," Twilight noted, as she quietly walked to a chimney. It was, of course, barred at the top to keep people (and birds) from getting in. She tested the bars quickly, and found them to be very secure.

"Bars made of thunderforged steel to keep spells from working on them," she said with approval. "And installed using bolts made of the cheapest recycled steel from Phillydelphia." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Ponies really do need to be more detail-oriented if they're so worried about security."

The bolts glowed with a pink light as they started spinning themselves free.

"...Our next item is an exquisitely cut astral diamond," the auctioneer said, as two strong (and visibly armed) ponies brought out a black velvet tray with the sparkling gem in the center. "It has been rated as a near-flawless gem with exceptional clarity and is graded as colorless. It has a weight of one hundred and eight carats..."

"That's a feathering huge gem," Gilda whispered.

"That's not an astral diamond," Rarity noted, as bids around them climbed into seven and then eight digit sums. "It's just quartz and some glamours. The real one must be in a safe."

"I'm surprised you're not bidding on it," Gilda said.

"On a gem that I haven't even seen?" Rarity scoffed at the thought. "Don't be silly. What would I do with it, anyway? Wear it around town? I don't have the bits or a buyer."

"And Twilight already has one lined up for the Symphony," Gilda noted.

"Exactly," Rarity smiled. "It's a sure bet. Now, after we sell it, maybe I'll use some of that cash to get something dazzling for myself. Surely you can understand. I know griffons have a certain weakness for shiny things."

"Only stupid ones," Gilda said, finally breaking her gaze from the glamoured crystal. "Smart ones know that steel is worth a lot more than gold in the long run."

"Sold for twenty seven million bits," the auctioneer said, slamming her gavel down. "As with all other items, as soon as the funds are in the escrow account, we will release the astral diamond to you."

Ponies whispered amongst themselves as the diamond was escorted out of the room.

"Next, we have a unique piece of art," the auctioneer smiled. "Some of you may have heard that it was stolen last night. Well, here it is, the Symphony in Pink," she said, as the wooden sculpture was wheeled out on stage. "Given how much exposure this has had in the papers, I'm sure you all know its history already. I'll open the bidding at-"

"One hundred million bits!" Yelled a voice from the back of the room. Rarity's eye twitched.

"Twilight?" She hissed, looking back, as Twilight Sparkle strutted down the center row, wearing a red jacket. Part of Rarity was more offended that she hadn't at least worn the green one. The green jacket was of much higher quality.

"Actually, I don't think I brought my wallet," Twilight said, touching her jacket pockets apologetically, as if looking for something. "But I'll be taking that sculpture anyway. I stole it fair and square!"

"I've been waiting for this," Shark Puncher roared, as he stood up. "Twilight!"

"Oh, hey, Punchy. You healed up better than I expected!" Twilight smiled. "Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'll just take care of this and then you can get back to your auction."

Twilight blinked onto the stage in a flash of teleportation magic and grabbed the statue, a point-blank bolt of magic knocking one of the guards out as he lunged for her. She turned for the door and was stopped very suddenly by a hoof to the face.

"I'm gonna feed you to the fishes," Shark Puncher said, grinning widely, just before a crossbow bolt hit him in the neck and wiped the smile off his face, putting him on the floor and rolling around in pain. He'd be screaming, but the bolt made that difficult and so he was mostly gurgling while his bodyguard tried to remember first aid for being shot in the throat.

"Twilight, you idiot!" Gilda yelled. "This was your plan?!"

Ponies, when given any reason at all, are prone to panic and run around in circles. This was definitely one of those times. They ran for the exits, guards trying to get past them and causing them to pile up.

"I didn't plan on being punched in the nose!" Twilight complained. "I think I'm bleeding!"

"We need to get out of here!" Gilda said, grabbing her hoof and pulling it away from her nose. It was bleeding a little.

"What about the-"

"Forget the stupid thing!" Gilda yelled. Instead of going for the exits the other ponies were aiming for, she led her backstage and up a flight of stairs to the first visible window. "I can't believe you bungled it this badly!"

"You don't even know what my plan is-"

"Was," Gilda corrected. "Your plan is over, my plan now." She grabbed a decorative table worth a month's pay for the average pony and threw it through the window before picking Twilight up and jumping out into the night, wings flapping as she struggled for altitude with the added weight of the unicorn.

"What about Rarity?" Twilight asked, looking back to the manor, her struggling making Gilda almost lose her grip.

"Huh?" Gilda looked down, not seeing Rarity anywhere. "Tartarus. She's probably doing the smart thing and waiting with the crowd. They don't know she was with you."

"We should go back and look for her!" Twilight protested.

"That nag can take care of herself!" Gilda yelled.

"Oh, darlings, what took you so long?" Rarity smiled, as Twilight and Gilda walked into their hotel room. They hadn't even told Rarity they'd rented a room there. It was across town from the bar they'd met at, under different names, and the door had been locked when they left. None of which had stopped her.

"I told you she'd get out safe," Gilda snorted, motioning at the unicorn with a talon and shoving Twilight towards her.

"I was starting to get worried," Rarity said. "You should have been back hours ago."

"I had to make a few stops," Twilight smirked. She set down a box and opened the top, revealing the Symphony in Pink.

"What?!" Rarity gasped. "But how? I saw you leave it in the auction hall!"

"That was the decoy that was left in the museum," Twilight said. "I switched them before they even brought it out to the stage and gave the real Symphony to a courier to have it shipped across town. Not that you ever cared about the Symphony in Pink."

"That's hardly fair, Twilight," Rarity pouted. "You know I like getting paid."

"You've already been paid for this," Twilight said. "You stole it from the museum in the first place and put it up for auction."

"What?" Gilda blinked. "Why would she do that?"

"Because my lovely Rarara here needed a distraction," Twilight smiled and walked over to the fuming white unicorn, hugging her. "She's a very clever pony, but she does have a weakness." She kissed Rarity's hoof.

Twilight pulled away, smiling and revealing a glittering gem in her mouth.

"The astral diamond," Gilda sighed.

"A lady enjoys the nicer things in life," Rarity huffed. "Do you know how that would look with a nice black lace dress, some navy blue silk..."

"The whole thing was just a distraction so she could snatch the rock, huh?" Gilda asked. Twilight tossed her the gem and she caught it, looking at the stone. "I should have known she was too dismissive when I asked her about it. Let me guess, she even invited Shark Puncher just to make sure there'd be a scene."

"I needed enough of one to cause a stampede so I could go to the back and crack the safe," Rarity said. "Security was high during the auction, but once the panic started they had to focus on crowd control."

"Cute," Gilda rolled her eyes. "Well, how do we split up the diamond? Have it cut into smaller gems?"

"No!" Rarity gasped, grabbing it with her magic and cradling it protectively against her chest like a foal. "How could you talk about harming such a beautiful, flawless gem? I'm going to keep it just like this."

"It would look beautiful on you," Twilight agreed. "Especially if you weren't wearing anything else except socks-" She stopped as Rarity threw a glass of water at her. "Temper temper!"

"I'll let you girls have the Symphony," Rarity said, trotting towards the door and looking offended. "I have what I want."

"Twilight, you can't just let her walk out of here with that thing!" Gilda grabbed for her crossbow, and Twilight sighed and touched her talon, pushing her aim away from Rarity.

"Let her go," Twilight said, watching Rarity leave. "She's probably not going to be too happy when she gets home. The glamour on that thing is only temporary, after all."

"The glamour-" Gilda looked confused, then she smiled widely. "You gave her the fake stone they were showing at the auction."

"I had more than enough time to nab it," Twilight smirked. "Meanwhile, we've got the real diamond right here."

She reached into her jacket and pulled out a chunk of clear quartz.

"Right... here?" Twilight blinked. "She switched the stones?!" Frowning, she reached into her other pocket. "And she took my wallet, too! Damnit, Rarity! Get back here!"

Gneiss Time! - The Stone Cold Killer

Twilight sat back in her seat and gave her coffee a sip. It was still a little too hot to drink comfortably, bitter and with a touch of lemon zest floating on top in the local style. Sitting across from her at the other side of the wrought iron and glass table, Gilda slammed back what had to be almost-boiling coffee and followed it up with a second cup almost as quickly.

"Isn't that painful?" Twilight asked, wincing at the thought. It was almost enough to make her shiver in the chilly night air.

"A little," Gilda shrugged. "But I need caffeine, Twilight. It's past midnight and we haven't done anything but sit here for hours!"

"Can't you just enjoy the ambiance?" Twilight asked. "We're in Veneighs, the city on the water, one of the most beautiful places in the world!" She gestured to the canal in front of the cafe, and the small boats sedately making their way through the ancient, flooded streets. The lights of the city glittered on the waves, making the whole thing look dreamlike.

"I think it's stupid to build a city in the ocean," Gilda snorted. "It's not like you're seaponies."

"It used to be on land, but then the tides changed a thousand years ago and it was flooded," Twilight shrugged. "Instead of leaving, the ponies just adapted. If it's a clear day, you can see the old streets during low tide."

"That's just stupid," Gilda retorted. "When something happens to a pegasus city they just kinda push it somewhere else."

"What about griffons?"

"Conquer the city next door and live there instead." Gilda grinned.

"I should have guessed," Twilight rolled her eyes. "You know why we're here, right?"

"Yeah," Gilda sighed. "Because you're gonna be dead by the end of the week."

"I'm not gonna be dead!" Twilight frowned. "It's not like this is the first time someone has put a hit out on me."

"Maybe, but this time it's not just some sellsword. Shark Puncher is really pissed off about how you keep screwing with him." Gilda opened the flap of the newspaper on the cafe table between them, revealing a few photos and documents they'd hidden from casual inspection. She grabbed a photo and threw it at Twilight. "He hired a pro this time. Do you even know who this is?"

Twilight looked at the photo of the mare. She seemed unassuming, her expression unfocused and bored, but behind those eyes was the soul of a killer.

"I know. Maud Pie, the 'stone-cold killer', probably the greatest assassin alive. If you can call a killer 'great.'" Twilight tossed the photo into the canal. "She's an earth pony. She can't really sneak up on us here."

"I don't know about that. She took out the biggest mob boss in Cloudsdale, and he was in his house a mile above the ground."

"How the heck did she do that?" Twilight asked, frowning.

"I threw a rock at him," Maud said, from where she was standing behind Twilight, her expression exactly the same as on the photo Twilight had just thrown away. Twilight turned to look, going pale. Maud took the moment of surprise to explain herself further. "It was a big rock."

"Gilda!" Twilight yelled, rolling back into empty space as Maud's hoof hit the chair where she had been, the iron cracking in half and falling into two neat pieces. Twilight teleported before she hit the water of the canal, popping up across the water.

Gilda drew her crossbow and fired a barrage of shots. Maud deflected one with her hoof, then kicked the table over to catch the others.

"I'm not here for you," Maud said calmly, catching the next bolt and dropping it on the ground. "I'm just here to kill Twilight Sparkle. If you stay out of the way, you won't get hurt."

"Sorry, mud-hooves. There's such a thing as honor among thieves!" Gilda flared her wings out and got some distance from the assassin, perching on a balcony above the cafe.

"I thought I'd give you the option anyway," Maud said. "I don't like doing work if I'm not getting paid for it." She grabbed the broken chair and threw it, clipping the edge of Gilda's wing and hitting the building with enough force that it shook all the way down to the foundations. Gilda squawked and tried to take off as the balcony collapsed, diving away from the falling stone instinctively. Her injured wing twitched and refused to extend, sending her into a quick spiral towards the water, hitting it with the splash Twilight had avoided.

"I'll double whatever you're being paid!" Twilight yelled.

"Sorry, but once I take a job I always see it through," Maud said. "If you give up I can make it mostly painless. Mostly."

"I'm not really a giving-up kind of girl," Twilight retorted. She fired a magical bolt at Maud, the earth pony blocking the shot but being forced back into the cafe by the impact. Twilight hopped down into one of the moving boats, tossing the gondolier out so she could push the boat herself, grabbing Gilda as she passed the flailing Griffon.

"Did you get her?" Gilda asked, as she flopped into the gondola, almost overturning it as she got onboard.

Maud landed in another gondola, interrupting a couple who had been about to kiss. She jumped impossibly far, hopping towards them one boat at a time. The unfortunate couple fell into the water as the small boat overturned.

"Never mind," Gilda groaned, firing a few crossbow bolts at the pony. Maud stopped and deflected them, one rebounding and almost hitting Twilight.

"Careful!" Twilight yelled.

"It's slowing her down!" Gilda retorted. "She has to stop to deflect the bolts away! Can't you make this thing go any faster?"

"A little," Twilight said. She started pushing on the back end of the boat with her magic. It wasn't much help - moving yourself with magic was a little like trying to jump onto your own shoulders, except with the key difference that if you were really clever about it, you could make physics forget that it was impossible for a while.

"If I could just fly, we could be out of here," Gilda complained, her injured wing twitching. "I don't suppose you've got a better idea than just running?"

"I've got one idea," Twilight agreed. "Take this." She gave Gilda the pole and grabbed a bottle out of her jacket.

"Vodka?" Gilda asked. "I don't think she'll stop if you offer her a drink!"

"You might be surprised!" Twilight threw the bottle at Maud. She smashed it on reflex. The contents dumped all over her.

"What is this?" Maud frowned, sniffing at her dress.

"Almost two-hundred proof," Twilight said. "And highly flammable." She threw a shower of sparks at Maud, each of them too small to do more than singe a pony but more than enough to set off the liquor. Maud dove into the water, sinking like a stone as she tried to put out the flames. A minute later, she pulled herself up onto a dock, her dress scorched and her coat blackened.

Twilight and Gilda were long gone at that point, of course.

"Careful!" Gilda yelled, as Twilight tugged at her feathers. "Endless Night, Twilight, a foal would be better at this than you!"

"Don't blame me for not knowing how to do first aid on a wing," Twilight snapped. "I'm not a pegasus!" She slapped Gilda on the shoulder. "Now stop complaining and let me finish!"

"How long do we have before Maud finds us again?" Gilda asked, holding still while Twilight finished bandaging her wing.

"Good question," Twilight said. "I'm not going to wait around to find out."

"Going to keep running?" Gilda tilted her head. "That's not like you."

"An assassin's greatest strength is secrecy," Twilight said. "If we didn't have the warning we did, I'd probably be dead by now. We were ready for her and it was still a close thing."

"So what next? Turn yourself over to the guards and hope she can't get you in prison?"

"No, next we go on the attack." Twilight grabbed her jacket and slid it on. "You know who gave us that information about Maud?"

"Rarity, which makes me incredibly surprised it was both free and accurate. Usually with her it's just one or the other," Gilda said.

"She worries about me, you know. Despite her hardened, refined appearance, she carries a torch for me."

"A pitchfork, too," Gilda muttered.

"And I trust her implicitly," Twilight said. "I'm not stupid, though. I trust her to act like Rarity always acts. She's probably got her own scheme twisted around this whole thing."

"So what are you thinking?" Gilda rolled over and grabbed a glass of bourbon, downing it to dull the pain of her wounded wing.

"I'm thinking that Maud is getting paid a lot of money to kill me," Twilight said. "And Rarity is naturally attracted to money. She'll be with Shark Puncher, and he'll be here so he can have a front-row seat to watch Maud turn me into gravel."

"You failed?" Shark Puncher growled menacingly at the pony who could, without having to try terribly hard or spend much time doing it, push his head so far up his back end that he'd end up with a cutie mark on his forehead.

"Twilight Sparkle is very tricky," Maud said, calmly, without the kind of menace you'd expect from aforementioned pony vis-à-vis cutie marks on foreheads. "I'll get her next time."

"There aren't second chances in assassinations!" Shark Puncher screamed, pacing around the deck of his very expensive and private yacht, anchored just outside of the city on the open sea where the buildings were under the water instead of over it. "What am I paying you for-" He stopped very abruptly when Maud's hoof came down on the wooden planks of the deck and a broken, jagged end of a board popped out of the floor under him and very nearly went through his throat.

The mare in the maid uniform pouring his tea gasped and backed up, but didn't leave the deck.

"You're paying me to kill Twilight Sparkle," Maud reminded him. "But if the payment is in question, I'll leave."

"I'd tell everyone you failed a contract!" Shark Puncher whispered, staying very carefully still.

"I don't like killing ponies without being paid for it," Maud said. "But sometimes I make exceptions. I need to protect my reputation, you know."

"...I suppose you can have another opportunity to finish the business with Twilight Sparkle," Shark Puncher whispered.

"That's good," Maud said, and her hoof came out of the hole she'd punched in the deck by leaning on it just a little. The board at Shark Puncher's throat levered back down and became a tripping hazard instead of a stabbing one. The maid in the back of the room visibly relaxed.

"I expect that this will be done by the end of the day?" Shark Puncher asked.

"Is there a reason it needs to?" Maud asked.

"No," Shark Puncher said, quickly. "But I would be... very grateful if this was taken care of quickly."

"Then I'll try to accommodate you," Maud said. "He could run or hide and make it more difficult, so the easiest thing is to use some bait."

"What kind of bait would work for Twilight?" Shark Puncher asked. "Money? Diamonds?"

"Those would only work if she didn't know her life was in danger," Maud said. "We need to use something that she'll be willing to risk her own life to retrieve."

"Like what?" Shark Puncher asked. Maud stepped past him and grabbed the maid, pulling off her cap to reveal it was a wig concealing a curly, purple mane.

"Miss Rarity Belle," Maud said. "One of Twilight's associates. She'll do."

Twilight adjusted her false mustache. It was a very fine fake mustache, of the sort that adhered to the lip quite well and looked so absolutely fake that there was no danger that a pony might see it and not recognize immediately that it was a genuine fake mustache.

It was, of course, a terrible disguise. Twilight was well aware of that. She was, among many other things, a certified master of disguise (the certificate itself seemed to say she was a master of accounting, but when viewed under a blacklight it revealed its true nature). Most ponies would think that obviously false facial hair was the kind of thing that drew attention, but what professionals had learned long ago was that there wasn't any point in trying to blend in - the locals would know you didn't belong anyway - so you had to give them something to look at. Ponies would remember the mare with the fake mustache, but they wouldn't remember what her face looked like, the color of her mane, or that she wore a jacket that covered her cutie marks. All they would remember was that mustache, and by the end of the week even that would be forgotten.

"Shark Puncher isn't the type to ride a train or take a coach when he could travel in the comfort of his home away from home," Twilight said, while she and Gilda walked through the crowded marketplace at the edge of Veneighs. "All we have to do is look for his yacht."

Gilda looked out over the water. There were literally hundreds of yachts, ranging from small boats with a single cabin to floating palaces that required a crew of a dozen.

"How in Tartarus are we supposed to figure out which one is his?" Gilda asked.

"Well, there are two ways," Twilight said. "First, we could talk to the dock master and look at a list of all the boats and try to figure it out from that, but we'd have to grease a few palms and it would take a long time."

"And the other way?" Gilda asked.

"It's going to be the only one that has shark cages," Twilight said, simply. "With how much he's been chewed on by sharks, I'd be amazed if he didn't invest in some protection."

"Uh, Twilight," Gilda pointed. "I don't think we need to do much looking."

Maud stared at them from across the crowded market.

"Buck," Twilight muttered. "Cheese it, Gilda!"

"Wait," Maud said. Her voice carried, like the crowd wasn't even there. It wasn't loud, just... forceful, like it was shoving other conversations out of the way politely, but firmly. "I'm here to deliver a message."

"Not going to take a shot at us?" Gilda raised an eyebrow, glancing at Twilight.

"The atmosphere isn't right for it," Maud said. "I don't want to get bystanders involved. My client-"

"Shark Puncher," Twilight said. Maud nodded slightly.

"My client has Miss Rarity Belle being held captive. You're to come with me if you want her to stay safe."

"You scum!" Twilight hissed.

"Win or lose, she'll be released, as long as you come with me," Maud said. "Like I said, I don't enjoy killing ponies if I'm not paid for it." She paused. "And that's a really awful fake mustache."

Twilight glared across the small boat at Maud as they pulled up to Shark Puncher's yacht which, as she had expected, had two shark cages at the rear, ready to drop into the water.

"Twilight, it's been so long!" Shark Puncher smiled.

Rarity smiled too, but it was a little forced, what with the crossbow that was pressed up against her neck and the restraining ring around her horn. "Good evening, Twilight, darling," Rarity said. "I seem to be in a bit of a pinch."

"I noticed," Twilight said.

"And that's a dreadful false mustache," Rarity continued.

"You know, I don't need to save you," Twilight said. She took the mustache and stuffed it into a pocket.

"If you don't, how will you ever find anypony to dress you properly?" Rarity asked, sweetly. "I'll get you a new jacket if you get me out of here. Something in blue, perhaps? It would look much better than the red or green."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting a conversation?" Shark Puncher said. "Because this isn't a bucking social meet and greet, this is where my highly-paid assassin kills my arch-rival."

"I'm your arch-rival?" Twilight asked. "I mean, we've only met like... three times before this? Maybe?"

"You burned down my house and had me shot in the neck!"

"Yeah, but it wasn't personal," Twilight noted. "The thing with the sharks was a little personal, but I sort of felt bad about it afterwards. I thought you'd be able to get yourself out of that by punching them in the snout to establish dominance."

"Oh I am going to enjoy watching you die," Shark Puncher growled.

"Maud, dear, how much is he paying you, anyway?" Rarity asked.

"One million bits in gold bullion," Maud said.

"And he was going to pay you this sum today, I assume?" Rarity asked.

"Once the contract is complete. I'm sorry, but if you're going to ask me to cancel it, I can't do that." Maud shrugged a little. "And I don't do revenge contracts on former clients."

Shark Puncher grinned.

"It's just that, well, dear, Shark Puncher doesn't have that kind of money. I should know, I came here to steal it. There's barely anything worth pocketing on the whole ship." Rarity said.

Shark Puncher's grin faded.

Maud blinked slowly and looked at Shark Puncher.

"The money is tied up in various investments and properties and-"

"You don't have the money," Maud sighed. "I suppose part of this is my fault for not demanding money up-front. I don't kill ponies unless I'm getting paid for it."

"I can't believe this!" Shark Puncher roared. "Just kill her! You'll get the money once I have it!"

"No." Maud looked at Twilight. "Do what you want."

"Sometimes you just have to do things yourself," Shark Puncher muttered. He shoved Rarity towards Twilight, then stepped back and hit a button on the side of the yacht. Green mist poured from vents at the rear of the boat, cloaking Twilight and the others in gas.

"Don't breathe! It's sleeeee..." Twilight's eyes rolled up in her head and she fell over, quickly followed by Gilda and Rarity. Maud stalked forwards, apparently unaffected. Shark Puncher's eyes went wide, and he raised his crossbow, firing at the assassin. She deflected the bolt, and as he struggled to get another loaded, stalked ever closer, her steps slowing until she, too, fell.

Twilight groaned and rubbed her head. She had a pounding headache. Her hoof touched her horn and scraped against metal.

"Buck," she swore, opening her eyes. She was hanging over the water in a shark cage. A restraining ring was around her horn. The only good thing about the whole situation was that she was sharing the cage with Rarity, who was starting to come around after Twilight had accidentally kicked her trying to stand up.

"Finally awake?" Shark Puncher smiled. It was the same smile that the circling sharks under the cage had.

"We're not in Veneighs," Twilight noted.

"We're at sea, my dear thief," Shark Puncher said. "In international waters. Strictly speaking, I don't even think what I'm going to do to you will count as a crime. Not that it should. I should get a medal for being the one for finally being the one to put an end to you."

"You don't have to kill me!" Rarity complained. "I didn't even steal anything yet today!"

"You annoy me," Shark Puncher sighed. "And you're one of Twilight's friends."

"Well, we're really more like associates or acquaintances," Rarity said.

"Lovers!" Twilight put in.

"We're not lovers," Rarity corrected. "I don't date anyone that would go to a social function and pick everyone's pockets."

"Isn't that what you do?"

"I don't like competition," Rarity hissed.

"Twilight will you stop arguing with the dame and get us out of here?" Gilda asked, from the other cage.

"Oh, hey, Gilda," Twilight waved. "You, uh. You've got Maud in there." She looked past Gilda to where the earth pony was lying at the bottom of the second shark cage.

"She's still out of it," Gilda said. "I can't wake her up."

"I slipped her an extra dose, just in case," Shark Puncher said. "Enough to make a Yak sleep for a week. I'm not sure if she'll even wake up when she starts drowning. She hasn't wronged me, so she does deserve a more merciful end, no?"

"You're going to drown us?" Rarity frowned.

Shark Puncher nodded. "Like a sack of dumb puppies, as the saying goes. I'm going to drop those cages to the bottom. If you get out, well, these sharks aren't going to be satisfied just by the bucket of chum I threw them, but you'd do nicely."

"You know, I'm really starting to think you don't like me," Twilight said.

"You're absolutely right," Shark Puncher agreed, and he hit the switch to send the cages into the water. Gilda's hit the ocean with a splash and went under quickly in a torrent of bubbles and ripples. Twilight's cage dropped about six inches and stopped.

"What?" Shark Puncher looked at the mechanism. A false mustache had been forced into the winch, jamming it.

"You really shouldn't use police-grade restraining rings," Twilight said. The ring landed at Shark Puncher's feet. "The darn things practically fall right off if you know what you're doing."

Shark Puncher grabbed for the crossbow lying on the deck, and just as he put his hooves on it, it was surrounded in a purple aura and thrown overboard.

"None of that, darling," Rarity said, her own ring gone. Twilight touched her horn to the lock on the cage and it popped open with a pop like a static discharge.

"Get Gilda out of the water!" Twilight yelled. Rarity nodded and hopped down to the controls, Shark Puncher backing away from Twilight.

"I should have known you'd find some stupid way to try and cheat me out of my victory!" Shark Puncher yelled.

"My fake mustache is of very high quality." The winch caught on fire from the friction, the mustache going up along with it. "Was of very high quality. It gave its life for its country."

The second cage came out of the water, the side broken open. Nothing was inside.

"Twilight!" Rarity wailed. The water around the boat was turning red.

Shark Puncher started laughing. "I win after all! Even if I couldn't kill you, I got your partner! Now you know what it's like to lose something! I win, you lose!"

A shark hit him in the face, thrown clear out of the water with super-equine strength. Shark Puncher squealed as the shark, after landing on the deck, bit his leg and latched on.

"That was very rude," Maud said, as she climbed back onto the boat, dragging an unconscious Gilda along with her. Maud dropped the griffon onto the deck. "She needs CPR."

Rarity ran over and opened Gilda's beak, their lips meeting. Twilight blushed and frowned, jealous, as Rarity breathed for the Griffon. Gilda sputtered and coughed up water, coming around.

"Why can't you just die?!" Shark Puncher screamed. He punched the shark biting his leg and it let go. He threw it overboard and turned to the assembled group of ponies, fuming.

"I'm upset," Maud said. Those words carried enough of an implied threat that, a thousand miles away, where they were carried by the wind as only the faintest echo of a sound, far too quiet for anypony to hear, ponies looked over their shoulders, updated their wills, and kissed their loved ones as if it might be the last time they saw them. Of course some of that might have been coincidence, as ponies generally did all of those things from time to time, but it was still a very powerful statement.

Shark Puncher ran for the ship cabins. It wasn't fast enough. Maud didn't really seem to run. She just took a few calm steps forwards, and she was in front of Shark Puncher. Her hoof grabbed his collar.

"Goodbye, Mister Puncher," she said. She threw him.

"I didn't know you could skip ponies across water like they were stones," Twilight said.

"You have to get the spin right," Maud said. She paused. "He only skipped six times. I guess I'm still upset."

"Think he'll manage to swim back?" Gilda asked, between coughs.

"We're in international waters, so we're at least eighty-seven nautical miles out at sea. Plus or minus a few for Maud's throw." Twilight tilted her head and calculated. "Does he seem like a strong swimmer to you?"

"There are also the sharks," Rarity noted. She looked over the side. "Oh. Where've they gone?"

"They can smell blood from miles away," Gilda grinned. "And he had that fresh bite on his leg. I think they heard the dinner bell."

"Maud, it's been a pleasure," Twilight said, over a nice plate of Veneighian pasta, in the best restaurant in town that would still let her through the doors. The mafia-owned ones tended to be off-limits as professional courtesy.

"No, it hasn't," Maud said. "I tried to kill you. And I didn't get paid. Thank you for dinner, though."

"I figure you might as well get something for your trouble," Twilight said. "I did set you on fire, and now that you're walking away empty-hooved I feel bad about it."

Maud nodded. "If I ever get hired to kill you again I'll raise my usual price." She stood up and left, not looking back.

"I think that's about as nice as an assassin gets," Gilda noted, smirking, once the earth pony had gone.

"This whole business was just dreadful," Rarity sighed. "After all I spent on getting here and infiltrating Shark Puncher's organization, I barely made a profit at all even after we sold his yacht."

"Well I could make it much nicer if you let me," Twilight smiled. "Just you, me, a few bottles of wine-"

"Twilight, darling, I'm flattered, but I'm straight," Rarity said, flatly.

"So is spaghetti, until it gets wet~" Twilight's smile only got broader.

"Since I'll be disappointing you in that area, I suppose you won't want this gift, then?" Rarity asked, levitating a box up from behind her chair.

"A gift?" Twilight's ears perked up. She took the box and opened it, revealing a new jacket. Blue, and a much better match for her coat than her other jackets.

"I went to the trouble of making sure it has the same hidden pockets and features as your other clothing," Rarity said.

"Thanks, Rarity," Twilight said, putting it on. "Fits perfectly, too."

"Of course it does. Maybe you'll even be presentable next time." She picked up another box and gave it to Gilda. "And this is for you."

"Really?" Gilda looked in. "A new crossbow?"

"To replace the one that dreadful stallion took," Rarity said. "Don't worry, it's the same model as your old one."

“Thanks,” Gilda says. “If he shows up again, I’ll try it out on Shark Puncher.”

The front door at Sugarcube Corner in Ponyville had a bell that, in theory, alerted anypony at the counter that somepony was entering or leaving. In practice it hadn’t been needed ever since their newest employee had started working there. Pinkie Pie knew in advance when somepony was coming, and typically had their order ready for them, though after a week of giving ponies what they wanted before they asked for it, she’d been asked by the local constables (with the assistance of several worried graduates of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns) to please wait until after ponies had ordered, to avoid breaking the space-time continuum. They’d used a lot of complicated terms and the word ‘quantum’ had appeared several times, so Pinkie had decided it was probably best to take their advice.

So today, when the bell rang and Pinkie was caught by surprise, it meant one of two things. Either her Pinkie Sense had stopped working, or the one pony that had always been able to hide from it had just walked in.

“Hello, Pinkie,” Maud said, quietly.

Pinkie gasped in surprise and jumped over the counter, wrapping her sister in a hug. “It’s been so long! I didn’t think you were going to come and visit ever again!”

“Pinkie, you know I love you,” Maud said, walking with her as Pinkie ushered her to a table where they could talk. “I’ve just been busy.”

“With your… work,” Pinkie said, her smile fragile. “I’m glad you’re not hurt. When you didn’t show up at Hearth’s Warming…”

“Dad wouldn’t want me there,” Maud said. “He needs the money, but he doesn’t like what I do.”

“You hurt ponies, Maud,” Pinkie said, quietly.

“I’ve been considering a change in profession,” Maud admitted. “I met some ponies and… I might try something else. It’s still dangerous, but…” she shrugged and trailed off.

“You wouldn’t have to hurt ponies?” Pinkie asked.

“Not the way I was,” Maud said. “It’s… still not something Dad would be proud of. But I think… I think it would be better. I worked for a lot of bad ponies, and these seem nicer. The money isn’t as good but-”

“Would you be happier?” Pinkie asked. Maud nodded. “Then you should do it. The farm is fine. There’s so much money they’re going to send Marble and Limestone away for college and hire farmhands to work the fields, and we’ve never done that before.”

“Thanks, Pinkie,” Maud said, quietly. “I’m glad I have you as a sister. I should go, before I cause trouble.”

“Not without a few muffins and cupcakes for the road,” Pinkie smiled. “Maud, come back and see me, okay? I want to know how these new ponies treat you. And… I want to know you’re doing okay. You hide it really well, but I know you didn’t like hurting ponies.”

“I’d do anything for my family,” Maud said.

“I know,” Pinkie smiled, leaning in to nuzzle her neck. “That’s why I know you’re a good pony. Now, do you feel like blueberry, or blackberry, or snozzberry?”

Author's Notes:

This one was fun to write - a lot of action and classic Bond-esque scenes in there. It took me a bit to decide on Maud as the fourth to round the group out, but let's be honest - if there's any pony that can absolutely murder you with her bare hooves, it's Maud.

Golden Parachute! - The House Always Wins

It was a common perception amongst honest ponies, in no small part to the media, that criminals only ran in their own circles and that the best and brightest stars kept far away from those with their hooves in dirty money and the kind of sundry business that filled stories of crime drama.

The truth is of course that most criminals did not let other ponies know they were criminals. The banker whose hoof you shake might have an account in the Griffonian Isles holding the money he's embezzled from his own bank's coffers. The star dazzling the stage to thunderous applause could have bad habits and a deep debt to unforgiving ponies with crowbars and very inventive ideas on how to use them. The fashionista whose dresses will be the center of a fashion show in the newly-opened Emerald Aisles casino may well, in fact, be a daring thief and con artist.

Actually, that last one was a certainty, because the only thing greater than Rarity Belle's sense of design was her greed.

That greed was why she was currently falling off of the top of a very high building towards certain death. But before we get to that, it might be prudent to tell the story of how she ended up in that unfortunate circumstance.

The beginning for Rarity (as a criminal, that is - her actual beginning was the same as most other ponies and involved a hospital, a doctor slapping her on the flank, and her parents discovering that her wailing could melt low-grade tin and shatter glass) started with her cutie mark.

She had always wanted to be a fashion designer, but she lacked some very important things. Not talent, certainly. She had a vivid imagination and developed her telekinesis to a fine degree to ensure that she could make that imagination come to life. However, there was only so much even the most creative pony could do with second-hoof needles borrowed from her grandmother, scraps of fabric from an old sewing box, and parents who doted on her but thought that floral print shirts would never go out of style (this was technically true, since they had never been in style to begin with).

What she needed was money, and a lot of it. Her parents couldn't provide that, and as a blank-flanked filly she didn't have any opportunity to earn it herself.

Not honestly, anyway.

Rarity had always loved reading romance stories, and one of the most common tropes in bodice-rippers (though she hated the name - bodices were very difficult to rip if they were made properly, and who would ruin clothing like that?) was that of the dashing gentlestallion rogue who would steal a girl away and tease her with a life of illicit luxury.

When a gentlestallion thief failed to appear to provide for her, Rarity decided to take things into her own hooves. Her very fine telekinesis was good for more than just sewing, and lockpicking required such a delicate touch that it was quite ladylike when you really thought about it.

The first time was something you never forgot. She rode the train two towns over to make sure she wouldn't be recognized and put her skills to the test. A few hours later, she was returning home with a bag full of gems and a story about being dragged by her own horn into the scrublands outside of town and finding a geode. It was the kind of unbelievable story that had to be true, especially when she backed it up with her new cutie mark, which thankfully showed the gems she'd stolen and not the method she'd used to obtain them.

That theft had given her the seed money to fuel her new career, and now she was an independent mare with growing fame (and several overseas accounts). Some ponies would be content with being rich and famous, and get out before something bad (such as being thrown off of a building) could happen to them.

Those ponies, Rarity thought, lacked ambition.

"Twilight, please, I really need your help for this," Rarity pleaded. She used her very best pouting expression, the number five 'duckface' pout, with extra-twinkly eyes. It was the same one her little sister used on her, and Rarity knew how difficult it was to resist.

"Knocking over a casino is serious," Twilight said. They'd met in an old hotel. It had once been a five-star resort, but times had changed and so had the owners, and it had slowly descended to what it was now, a hovel with faded memories of grandeur. There were a lot of places like it in Las Pegasus.

"Yeah, you rob a bank and all they'll do is put you in prison," Gilda agreed. "Rob a casino and you're never seen again, except maybe by the seaponies."

Rarity rolled her eyes. Gilda was always difficult. She could wrap Twilight Sparkle around her hoof like it was nothing, but the griffon always assumed the worst and didn't trust her at all. It meant she was considerably wiser than she seemed.

"Millions of bits," Rarity said. "Split four ways, it's still enough money that even you can't waste it all without getting something out of it."

"It is a lot of money," Maud agreed, passively. The assassin worried Rarity. Rarity prided herself on being able to read a pony. Where Twilight was an open book, Maud was a slab of rock with hieroglyphics - she didn't ever change, but you couldn't read her no matter how hard you stared.

"We'd need a plan," Twilight said. "It's not like we can just trot in, grab the money, and run."

"I have a plan," Rarity assured her. "You see, I happen to know a pony who knows a pony..."

Who knew a pony, and so on, until the last pony on the list was the pony who had in fact designed the security for the Emerald Aisle, the newest casino to open in Las Pegasus. He was known for his discretion, but also for his unfortunate habit of not following the same security measures at home that he recommended to his clients.

His personal safe, for example, was a FlimFlam Pick-Proof-Patent-Pending 4000. It was a very impressive looking safe that would easily keep out quite honest ponies, the combination lock having a wonderfully solid-sounding clunk when it opened. It also had tolerances so loose that the combination to open it was only a suggestion and it was willing to listen to other ideas.

So once Rarity had heard from a friend of a friend of a friend (and so forth) about the casino, stealing the blueprints had been child's play. She'd refrained from taking anything else in his safe, if only because the owner would likely need it soon after the owners of the Emerald Aisle came for explanations as to why their new casino had a well-designed and very empty vault.

Twilight and Rarity had met at a rather posh and exclusive ball being held for Prince Blueblood's birthday. Neither had been invited, though 'exclusive' in the context of Prince Blueblood still meant quite a large guest list, more than enough that one or two additions would go unnoticed.

Rarity had come following up on the rumors that Blueblood would be showing off something very expensive and very rare as part of the ball - a set of quills from Princess Celestia made of her own pinions. Word had gotten around about them already, made with a gold nub (soft, certainly, but these weren't the type of quills you'd actually use to write) and feathers of purest alabaster.

They'd fetch an astounding price on the black market. They were, literally, priceless. With enough bits one might be able to purchase the Star of Zebrica, but no amount of gold could be traded for this prize.

"Hello there," a voice said. Rarity was an expert at not expressing herself when needed, and so she didn't jump in surprise. She hadn't heard anypony sneaking up on her. She turned and found herself looking at a cheerful young mare who, given the glass in her hand and flush on her cheeks, had already found the punch much to her liking.

"I don't believe we've been introduced," Rarity said. "My name is Rarity Belle."

Surprisingly, the lavender mare took her hoof and kissed it.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful mare," she said. "I couldn't resist coming over to meet you."

Rarity found herself blushing. She lowered her hoof and looked to the side, trying to hide the pink spreading across her coat.

"That's very kind of you, Miss...?"

"Sparkle. Like your eyes."

Rarity found herself quite tongue-tied. There was something about this mare something... she paused. Something intensely dishonest, actually, but not in the wrong sort of way. It was like an optical illusion. Most ponies would see it from this perspective over here, and they'd see a charming young mare, but stand over here, in the shadows, and you could see how things didn't quite line up.

For example, the way that Rarity was no longer wearing the diamond bracelet that had been on the hoof Miss Sparkle had kissed. A small bow, hoof to chest, that had moved it to a hidden pocket.

Rarity smiled, and leaned in closer. They were two kindred spirits, and that meant that her new friend would of course understand the secret words that she would impart onto her.

"Darling," Rarity whispered. "If you don't give me back those gems, I'm going to shove the buffet table so far up your ass that you'll be spitting canapes for a week."

"There are going to be four steps to the plan," Rarity said. "We need to cause a distraction, get to the vault, open the vault, and escape with the money. Each step is critical."

Without a distraction, ponies would catch on to what was happening far too quickly. A casino wasn't something where you could run in and hope for the best. A good distraction would buy enough time for the rest of the plan to come together.

Getting to the vault was harder than it sounded. A bank kept their vault out in the open, or close to it, because customers would sometimes need to go inside. With the Emerald Aisle, it was built into the basement, and if you weren't staff, you wouldn't get near it.

Opening the vault was the easiest part, surprisingly. According to the notes that Rarity had found, it would be using a fairly standard lock design that was advertised as completely impossible to open. That meant that professionals in the business had taken it as a challenge, and methods for defeating it had been widely spread in the underground.

Escaping with the money was, naturally, critical, and the part that many criminals got wrong. Having a carriage waiting behind the casino simply wasn't enough, and trying to fly away with a few sacks of heavy bits just made you easier to hunt down. No, an escape plan was critical, and it had to be one that deflected pursuit and let them leave with as much money as possible.

Planning a crime was rather like making a dress. Amateurs only thought about how it looked in the sketchbook. Professionals knew it had to work in the real world, where models weren't perfectly still and perfectly thin. Something that looked flowing on paper could look awkward and stupid on the runway. Something daring in print might be impossible to fit to a real pony.

In the same way, one had to tailor a heist to the needs of the moment, and make it a living thing that could flow and grow and adapt where needed.

"There's a high-stakes poker tournament going on at the same time as the fashion show. No limit on the betting, and the casino owner himself, Faulty Tower, will be playing. I'm owed enough favors that I can get a pony in there, but they'll have to be able to win, or at least avoid losing."

"I can do that," Twilight smirked.

"No, you can't," Rarity said. "You'd either lose very quickly or you'd cheat. Badly. You have an awful poker face, darling. She, on the other hoof..." Rarity gestured to Maud.

"I don't bluff," Maud said, flatly.

"Perfect," Gilda agreed.

"I really don't bluff," Maud repeated.

"So while Maud is playing poker, we need to get to the vault proper," Rarity said. "I can get us into the staff areas thanks to my pass from the fashion show, but someone needs to stay in the security room and act as our eyes and ears."

"That'd be me," Gilda said. "I'm used to being the spotter."

"Excellent," Rarity smiled. "Twilight and I will open the vault. According to the inventory, most of the wealth is in bits, so we'll need to move a considerable amount of gold."

"Getting out is going to be the hard part," Twilight agreed.

"Just so," Rarity smiled. "That's when the plan gets clever. How good are you with that reverse gravity spell, darling?"

The Emerald Aisle was a beautiful casino. The name came from the very nearly natural stream that ran down the exact center of the casino floor, with grass growing all around it that also looked very nearly natural. Bridges gave passage over the stream, and it nearly separated the slot machines from the table games.

It was beautiful, with the clearest water, and the greenest grass, and a concrete bottom that had been carefully made to look like a stream bed. It was fakery, done up well enough that it could make you forget that Los Pegasus was in the middle of a desert and that the nearest natural stream was a hundred miles away and that the grass was kept that very beautiful green not only by virtue of having been imported from somewhere that grew very green grass but with some help with dye to remove any trace of brown or yellow.

It looked like you could jump the low fence and drink pure water and nibble on delicious clover and grass, but you'd taste pesticide on the clover and chlorine in the water. It was poison with a nice presentation, and rather described the casino business as a whole.

"Miss Rarity?" Asked a meek voice. Rarity turned from staring at the stream from the center of one of the pedestrian bridges to find her assistant looking at her. "You're needed backstage. It's almost showtime."

"Ah yes." Rarity smiled. Twilight had gotten much better at disguises. No false mustaches and bad wigs today. She had to be using some sort of illusion spell, the proper sort of thief magic. Much more elegant and refined. "I'd almost lost track of the time. It will be a very exciting show. Is everypony else in place?"

"I checked before I came to get you, Miss Rarity," her assistant said. "They're ready as soon as you give the word."

"Excellent," Rarity said. She let her 'assistant' fall behind her a bit and made sure to sway her hips just so while she walked and raised her tail just a little, just to the point where it couldn't really be said for certain - not for certain - that she was showing anything, but there were wonderful suggestions that hinted that at it.

She glanced back. Apparently you could blush right through an illusion. She giggled a little. It was too much fun to tease Twilight.

"Maybe if everything goes well, we can spent some time together later," Rarity said, her voice the very edge of calm and reason. Spending time in that context could mean anything from simply talking over coffee or to what Twilight Sparkle was no doubt really wanting to do while alone with her.

"T-that would be nice," her assistant whispered.

"Indeed~" Rarity put a bit of a lit in her voice as they walked through a staff door and backstage towards the fashion show.

"Ah! Rarity! There you are!" Rarity looked and saw a purple unicorn with a terribly false mustache waving at her, and nearly managed to keep her eye from twitching.

She'd been flirting with her actual assistant! Whom she had to work with almost every day! She'd rather have been caught by the press in the black catsuit she wore whilst committing various breakings and enterings.

"Could you see to things?" Rarity said, to her assistant. "I need to do a few last-minute emergency things."

"I, um, yes, Ma'am," her assistant said, quietly. The poor girl was going to catch her death of blushing. She looked anywhere but at Rarity and walked away quickly, though the way she walked told Rarity that, if nothing else, the flirting had apparently been quite effective.

Much better than the alternative. If a lady couldn't flirt her way out of a problem she was getting old.

"What was that about?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"I do have a legitimate business concern," Rarity hissed, getting annoyed. "Are our... friends in place?" She pulled Twilight with her into what she'd claimed as her office. She opened a trunk and removed the false bottom to get at her gear.

"Maud is up by fifty last I checked," Twilight said.

"So she's just breaking even," Rarity noted. "Well, as long as she lasts-"

"Fifty thousand," Twilight corrected. "She's got everyone's attention. Especially security. Everypony is watching her. They aren't sure if she's good or cheating."

"And?" Rarity asked. "Which is it?"

"She's got a photographic memory," Twilight said. "They're playing Tauren Hold-Em. She's counting cards. Not really cheating if you do it without help, but ten thousand of what she's got used to belong to the casino, and the owner is getting annoyed."

"That's fine. If they think she's cheating it's an even better distraction and they can't afford to just take her in back and break her legs with the media everywhere." Rarity said. She finished buttoning her new outfit. "What do you think?"

"You look just like a security guard," Twilight noted.

"Good, I have one for you, too." She threw a uniform at Twilight. "Put it on and tell Gilda it's time."

The key to any outfit was attitude. If you wore a slim red dress with the slit all the way up to your cutie mark, you'd look like a foal or an idiot if you tried to hide from attention. It commanded attention.

The uniform of a security guard, on the other hoof, was designed to fade into the background. Like butlers (but certainly not like Prench Maids) they were supposed to be part of the scenery. Part of the help. They weren't supposed to stand out.

If two security guards pressed themselves against the wall and looked around corners for trouble, they'd be spotted as unusual at a glance. However, walking while looking bored, hooves clicking on the tile, that was as good as invisible, especially if you were like Rarity and you were holding a clipboard and occasionally leafing through it, obviously busy with something. Interrupting a security guard who was busy often meant you were going to be the next thing he was busy with, so ponies tended to avoid doing so.

"You're on the right level," Gilda's voice said, in Rarity's ear. "Take the next left and the vault will be straight ahead."

Rarity nodded, glancing up to a crystal ball mounted in the corner. It was a very modern security system, using scrying tools to enable guards to watch everything from a central location. That was why Gilda had made sure to clear the room out and was watching things herself.

"I see it," Rarity muttered.

The vault was made of thunderforged steel, impenetrable to magic, and two guards stood in front of the door. It was rather unnecessary, and they were mostly there to keep the staff from lingering near all that wonderful money.

Rarity tapped her pencil against the clipboard and looked at the two guards as she approached.

"All quiet here?" She asked.

"No problems, Ma'am," one of them said.

"And when is your next scheduled break?" Rarity asked. She made a show of checking her clipboard. "I need to make sure we have somepony here at all times."

"We've got another hour, Ma'am," the other guard supplied. Rarity nodded. That was good. It meant they had time to work. She wrote something down on the papers.

"Thank you," Rarity said. "And that's a broom closet, yes?" She pointed with her pencil at an unassuming door down the hallway.

Both of them looked. Twilight and Rarity fired sleep spells at the guards, and they dropped like rocks.

"Never mind," Rarity said. "I'm sure it is. Twilight, do help me tie them up and store them with the mops."

There is a point in every plan when things start to go wrong. For Rarity's plan, it was about five minutes after she and Twilight started working on the vault door.

"...Rarity," Twilight said, slowly, her ear pressed against the metal. "Are you sure this is a PinStripe 2?"

"Of course it is," Rarity said, as she slowly turned the mechanism.

"Because I hear a clock. The PinStripe 2 doesn't have a clock." Twilight tapped on the door, as if it would reveal something. "But the PinStripe 3 does. Rarara, baby, sweetie, the PinStripe 3 only came out six months ago. Nopony knows how to crack it!"

"...We'll just have to get creative," Rarity said. "How hard could it be? It's only one version more. It probably uses the same mechanism."

"It does, mostly," Twilight agreed. "I can sort of hear it. But the problem is that the clock resets the wheels every five minutes. Whatever position the dial is at becomes the new zero point, and the work you've done cracking it is undone."

"I have to pick the whole thing in five minutes?!" Rarity hissed. "That's impossible!"

"That's why nopony has found a way to crack it yet," Twilight said. "And if you try to drill through the door, assuming you can even find a drill that'll go through a cast sheet of thunderforged steel, you hit the glass relocker and that freezes the bolts entirely."

"We've got another problem," buzzed Rarity's earring. "I think Maud is in trouble."

"Is she losing?" Twilight asked.

"Worse. She caught the dealer stacking the deck, while the press was watching."

Maud held the dealer's hoof down on the table. Just visible at the edge of her long-sleeved uniform was a card. Cameras flashed.

"This is highly unusual," Faulty Tower said, starting to sweat.

"I should have known," Rarity groaned. "Faulty hates losing. He only opened up a casino because the house always wins in the long game!" She paused. "Well, that and as a way to launder the money he gets from his other concerns."

"The locks just reset," Twilight noted.

"I can't crack this in five minutes," Rarity sighed. "It has serrated wheel locks so you can't feel it click into place, the clock means you can't hear it, and the metal is impossible to enchant."

"Maybe there's another way," Twilight said. "How much has Maud won so far?"

"A lot. Why-"

"Tell her to cash out."

Maud paused. She'd been just staring at the dealer for the last thirty seconds and slowly increasing pressure on the stallion's wrist. It hadn't quite popped out of joint yet but she was mildly curious when it would.

"I would like to exchange my chips for bits," she said.

"Of course. I can have my cashiers write a check-"

"Bits," Maud repeated. "Not paper."

"We don't keep that much in the cashier box!" The owner looked at the pile on her side of the table. "We'd have to get it from the safe-"

"I'll wait," Maud said.

"Do we even need to steal at this point?" Twilight asked. "Maud practically broke the bank!"

"Darling," Rarity said, shaking her head. "What Maud won is only a tiny fraction of the contents of the vault. Are you the type to settle for five percent, or do you want the whole pie?"

"I do like pie," Twilight said, smiling.

"Good. Stay still. I'm going to disguise us as those two gentlestallions that were here before. If you have to move, do it slowly so I can follow with the illusion."

"If it wasn't for the press, I'd have her head in a vice," Faulty Tower growled, as he walked up to the heavy door. Two more guards were with him, along with a steel cart. "How dare she humiliate me like that?!"

He started turning the dial, quickly entering the combination. There was a distant 'clonk' as the heavy bolts securing it were released.

Twilight and Rarity stood to the side as the door slowly swung open, the back side of the door revealing the elaborate locking mechanism done in brass and cold iron.

"That really is a beauty," Twilight noted. "Pity you'd have to be inside the vault to see it in motion."

"The bits appreciate the show," Rarity said. "Money likes being around finery. It's why rich ponies are surrounded by so many expensive things."

"So that combination," Twilight asked. "Is that a date?"

"My dog's birthday," the casino owner mumbled, as he watched the guards he'd brought with him struggle with the weight of the money.

"Good choice," Twilight nodded. "Easy to remember, not as obvious as a child or wife. Not that you're married, of course, sir. Too busy for that, am I right? At least the house always wins."

Rarity saw his eye twitch at that line.

"It always wins," Faulty repeated, under his breath. He looked at Twilight's badge. "I'll remind your superior to give you a posting where you'll have all sorts of occasions to make such funny jokes."

"Thank you, sir," Twilight said, brightly. "Humor does wonders for the soul. Have you heard the one about the unicorn walking into a bar? His horn got stuck."

The vault door closed securely. Sort of securely. It was definitely closed, at least, even if it was only as secure as a vault full of money in front of two thieves who knew how to open it now.

"That was dangerous, Twilight," Rarity said, quietly, as the cart full of money walked off towards the main elevator. There were ponies around it, but they weren't nearly as important as the bits. A life was priceless, after all, but a very many other things did have a price.

"What was he going to do, fire me?" Twilight snorted. "Let's crack that thing open. Are things set up on the roof?" She touched her ear.

"I set up the sheet before I came down here to Security," Gilda said. "Why did I have to soak the thing in water first?"

"It's a sheet of Zebrican Silk," Rarity explained, as she opened the vault with a satisfying thunk from the bolts happily responding to the combination. "You may have heard the rumor that silk is unbreakable while wet. That is of course untrue, if you're talking about common Saddle Arabian or Hipponese silk. Zebrican Silk, though, is practically impossible to tear as long as it's at least damp."

"I don't see how you're going to get it all the way to the roof, though," Gilda said. "It's too heavy to move it all through the elevator."

"We'll be using the ventilation shaft running parallel to the elevator," Rarity said. "It's far too narrow for a pony, but bits will get through just fine."

"You're going to float them all the way to the roof? Neither of you has that kind of range."

"No, no," Rarity said, smiling. "From the perspective of the bits, they'll be falling. Twilight will be casting a reverse gravity spell on them as we throw them in the vent. They fall up and hit the cloth that you've hopefully positioned and secured properly, then we simply float away with it like the world's most expensive hot air balloon."

"That is completely impractical, insane, and relies on using magic that I barely know anything about," Gilda said. "I like it."

"Of course you do," Rarity said. "It involves money."

They quickly fell into a rhythm. Rarity would grab a bag full of bits, throw it down the corridor to where Twilight was standing in front of the elevator doors, having propped them open with a broom. She would reverse the gravity of the thing and pour it into the ventilation system. It was working well and quickly, aside from one or two little problems.

"Can't you stop that racket?!" Rarity demanded.

"Of what, a million golden coins falling hundreds of feet down a passage of sheet metal?" Twilight asked. "It kinda sounds like a slot machine dispensing its winnings!"

"Except a thousand times louder!" Rarity paused. "You don't think anypony else can hear that, do you?"

"...The ventilation goes through the whole building," Twilight noted. "Maybe out on the casino floor they won't hear it over the general commotion?"

"Twilight they were playing soft jazz and it was quite quiet, for a casino. Classy. Idyllic. Possibly very loud now and with a lot of ponies looking around in confusion. I think we may want to work more quickly, before somepony notices that the noise is coming from this direction."

"Bad news," Twilight said. "The elevator is coming this way!"

"Hit the emergency stop!" Rarity yelled.

"They're just going to use the stairs! How many bags are left?!"

"This is the last one!" Rarity ran with it to the end of the corridor.

"Okay, I got an idea! Hang on, Rarara!" Twilight grabbed her and the gold and jumped into the elevator shaft, the metal box descending quite quickly towards them.

"Twilight!" Rarity squealed.

"I love it when you scream my name," Twilight winked. She cast the reverse gravity enchantment again, and they fell towards the bottom of the elevator. A moment later, the elevator started falling up towards the top of the shaft. There were of course a great many safety systems designed to keep an elevator from falling to the bottom, but even the wisest designers hadn't considered a need to keep it from falling upwards. That innovation wouldn't come for another decade, after an unfortunate accident in a chocolate factory.

"We're still falling, even if it's in the other direction!" Rarity yelled. Twilight winked and canceled out the enchantment on the elevator, but not on them. The elevator started slowing as gravity reasserted itself. Twilight jumped to the side, dragging Rarity along, grabbing for the safety ladder alongside the elevator as it started plunging downwards again.

The ponies inside the elevator would later describe the experience as being terrifying beyond any rational measure, but were very thankful that during the second fall, going the correct direction (or at least the correct decision for anything to fall, not that they wanted to fall at all), the safety systems did stop the elevator from crashing to the bottom of the shaft and turning them from ponies into pate.

"You're insane," Rarity said, breathing heavily.

"And I got us almost all the way to the roof. Hang on and I'll switch gravity again so we don't go floating off when we get outside."

The silk was very nearly the finest Zebrican silk. Such a large sheet was of course hideously expensive, but it was also quite easy for Rarity to acquire at a hefty discount thanks to her contacts in the fashion industry. As was typical for very nearly the finest silk, it was dyed black to disguise the minor imperfections.

"It's beautiful," Rarity whispered, as she saw it, filled with bits and reaching towards the sky. It was dripping slightly, but that was a minor imperfection she was happy to ignore. The shine of gold just barely showed through the thin, but almost unbreakable material.

"This is perfect!" Twilight said, grinning as she circled the world's most unlikely zeppelin. "Hey Rarity, have you ever heard the one about the lead balloon?"

"Is this going to be some sort of awful pun?" Rarity asked, not looking at the other mare. It was hard to look at anything except the hoard. It was only the size of a small room, but represented more wealth than most of the nobility of Canterlot could claim.

"It can be anything you want," Twilight said, suddenly at her side and leaning against her. Rarity was willing to indulge her, for a short while, at least until they'd split the money.

"I'll show you exactly what I want once we're somewhere safe," Rarity said. "Maybe we can set up our own spa, darling, just you, me, and a million bits. I hear bathing with money does wonders for the skin."

Before Twilight could reply, there was the whining sound of twisting metal, and a pop as somewhere, a rivet found its way to freedom.

"...How much does that gold weigh?" Rarity asked.

"Um... it's about 19.3 grams per cubic centimeter, and we've got roughly thirty cubic meters..." Twilight's ears twitched as she ran through the math. "Five hundred and eighty tons, give or take a bit?"

"Would you say that, perhaps, Gilda might not have taken that weight into account when tying the mooring lines for our golden parachute?" Rarity asked.

"There aren't really a lot of load-bearing structures up here and-" Twilight was cut off by a tearing sound as a pipe came free and water fountained into the air, the mass of gold slowly drifting the other way. Or perhaps the right word was listing, since it wasn't so much floating as it was trying to fall upwards with great force.

"Twilight, she tied the bloody thing to pipes and a ladder!" Rarity yelled.

"They're very well made, since they haven't broken yet," Twilight noted. As she said that, the ladder in question twisted and broke free of its bolts. Rarity ran for it, trying to grab it and pull it back to the roof.

"We have to save the money!" Rarity yelled. "I need that money!"

A third line broke free, and Rarity narrowly avoided the pipe that came with it. She didn't avoid the blast of ice-cold water that erupted from the broken end, shoving her with great force right over the edge of the casino's roof.

The world seemed to go in slow motion as Rarity fell. She could see the last mooring line straining, the knot slipping. Twilight was screaming something. Below her, ponies were looking up and pointing at the strange black shape that had risen from the casino roof.

At least, she thought, she was dying with an audience to watch her. It was far better than the alternative of dying alone and forgotten.

A hoof grabbed hers. Rarity looked up, in a daze from the terror and adrenaline.

"Get your fat flank back on this roof!" Twilight yelled, straining to hold her. Rarity's dreamlike daze vanished in a rush of anger.

"My flank is not fat!" Rarity yelled. "Just because I'm not a twig with no figure at all like you doesn't mean I'm overweight!"

The last mooring line creaked. Rarity could see it start to give.

"Save the money!" She yelled.

"I can only save one of you!" Twilight said. "Save you or save the bits?"

Rarity looked down. It was a very, very long way down, right to concrete and asphalt. "Save me, save me!" She screamed.

Twilight pulled her up onto the roof, straining, and the gold tore free. As the last mooring line broke free, the sheet of silk twisted, releasing its load of glittering coins into the sky, scattering and vanishing like golden stars fading in the sunrise.

"The money!" Rarity wailed, tears streaming down her face. Twilight held her, and Rarity pounded on her chest, sobbing like she'd lost a family member. The black silk sheet descended on the Emerald Aisle's neon sign, covering it like a funeral shroud.

"In retrospect, there wasn't any way we could have kept the gold there," Twilight said. "Gilda did the best she could with tying it down, but with that much weight something was going to give. Even if she was able to tie it down perfectly, having six hundred tons pulling up would have wrecked the whole building."

"I'm told there was major structural damage," Rarity muttered, looking at the paper. A picture of the casino dominated the front page, with a description of events from the press that were surprisingly close to being accurate, though thankfully her name didn't appear anywhere until page six, and only then in the context of her fashion show.

It had been wildly successful, of course, though she'd had so much to drink at the afterparty that there was a rumor going around that she was a lush. Not the worst thing to happen to her - far better that they should think she was harmless and easily manipulated than learn the truth.

"If the bits had hung on much longer, they would have taken the top couple floors with them," Twilight said. "Turns out they don't build most casinos to withstand huge amounts of force pulling them towards the sky."

"I can't believe we lost all that money," Rarity said, sitting back in her seat. Her coffee had long grown cold. She wasn't in a mood to drink it, or even really to be awake. She wouldn't have gotten out of bed if not for Twilight breaking into her hotel suite and waking her up with breakfast.

"Where did it go?" Rarity asked, after a moment of thought. "Will it just keep falling upwards forever?"

"No, the enchantment won't last nearly that long," Twilight sighed. "Especially with the gold scattered like that. It might have fallen down already. I'd estimate somewhere to the east, given the prevailing winds at the altitude it would have reached."

"At least Maud got something out of it," Rarity said. "I'd ask her for a cut, but... that filly scares me." She shivered. "I wonder what she does with all of the money she earns? She certainly doesn't spend it on fashion, and I don't think she has any vices."

"Gilda says Maud sends the money to her family," Twilight said. "It's kinda noble. I mean, I pass my mom a few bits here and there. Carefully, so my brother can't follow the wire transfers."

"Ah yes, the noble gentlethief," Rarity smiled.

"I've got an idea for another heist, if you're interested in making some bits," Twilight said.

"I'm always interested, darling," Rarity smiled.

"So there's this bank in Stalliongrad..."

Applejack sighed and looked at the bill. Applebucking season hadn't gone well. With Big Mac hurt and Apple Bloom too young to do anything except help pick up apples that missed the baskets, Sweet Apple Acres was just too much to handle.

She'd have to take out another loan, and she knew how that went. Filthy would haggle her down to terms that sounded reasonable until the first month's payment came around and then when she made a fuss about the numbers, he'd point to some small print in fancy language and remind her that she'd signed a contract.

Applejack looked around. She was alone. She got down on her knees.

"Celestia," Applejack said, looking up at the sun, half-hidden behind clouds. "I ain't much of a religious mare, but I ain't never asked for any kind of help before neither, not even when Ma and Pa left. I promised them I'd keep the farm going, but I can't do it all on my own. All I'm askin' for is one little favor. Some kind of a sign that things are gonna work out, even. And also one hundred and twenty thousand bits."

Something bounced from her hat. Applejack looked down at the bit that had fallen at her hooves. A second one plunked down in the dirt next to it. Applejack looked up. The air sparkled gold over Sweet Apple Acres as bits rained from the sky.

"Well, thank ya kindly, Princess Celestia!" Applejack said. "I gotta try this prayin' stuff more often!"

Author's Notes:

The myth that silk is unbreakable when wet is pretty old, and honestly I can't figure out where it comes from. In the real world it's entirely untrue, but that's not so in Equestria!

Incidentally, while I know the load-bearing properties of ladders and pipes would never manage the force they (briefly) supported here, I had trouble finding figures on how much upwards force it would take to really cause damage to a building. If anyone has a chance to apply six hundred tons of force to a building under negative gravity, please let me know the results.

Bookmark! - Twilight's First Heist

Shining Armor wasn't a stupid pony. Even as a guard recruit, he was dimly aware that his sister was not what most would call a good pony. In polite company ponies said that she'd made a few mistakes. Mistakes like getting caught shoplifting books (even if she could afford them and had immediately paid for them after being caught), being found in places where she wasn't supposed to be, and once being discovered with her hooves in somepony else's pocket.

The mistakes had been getting less and less frequent, especially after one shop owner had decided to press charges and Twilight had spent a week in juvenile detention, in theory to teach her a lesson about how crime didn't pay. Shining Armor wanted to believe, really wanted to believe, that she was becoming a better pony.

The smarter part of Shining Armor, the part that looked at Twilight how she was instead of the way he wanted her to be, was certain she wasn't becoming a better pony, just better at not getting caught. This was the part of Shining Armor that would, later in his life, see him rise quickly through the ranks.

That smarter part was therefore very suspicious about why Twilight would come to visit him in the castle, even if he was technically on leave.

"Like I need to have a reason to visit my big brother," Twilight smiled, hugging him. "I had the day off of school and you have the day off of training, and since Mom and Dad are stuck at work, I thought you could use a friendly face."

"How has school been going?" Shining Armor said. Twilight frowned at that, just for a moment before her expression returned to its usual small smile. It was a sensitive subject, and he immediately regretted mentioning it. After the... dragon thing and failing to get into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, school wasn't something Twilight liked to discuss.

"It's fine," Twilight said, shortly. "Canterlot University is... fine." Shining Armor knew she didn't have a lot of friends. It was difficult, when most of the ponies around you were nearly a decade older than you were.

"You could reapply for Celestia's school," he ventured. "You'd be closer to the castle and we'd be able to see each other all the time."

"No," Twilight said, and her tone indicated that it was the end of the discussion. "I came here to visit you, and that's it. Those stuffy, idiotic professors can just-" she took a deep breath.

"Calm down, Twily," Shining Armor said, squeezing her before letting her go from the hug.

"How about we just... go do something fun?" Twilight said.

"Let's go to the library," Shining Armor suggested.

Twilight waved him off. "That's fun for me, not for you," she said. "Besides, I've read practically every book in the Canterlot University Library."

"But I can get you into the castle library," Shining Armor said. "I bet they've got some books there you've never read before."

"Well..." Twilight hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Only the best for my little sister," Shining Armor said, smiling. At the time he was just glad that he'd managed to improve her mood. Looking back on things, he should have been suspicious from the start. She'd stopped being upset as soon as he'd mentioned the library, and had a smile like a mouse who'd gotten into the cheese.

The Royal Canterlot Library wasn't the largest library in the city. It was, however, the most secure. Only ponies who had been given permission from Princess Celestia herself were allowed in, because of the extensive collection of rare and restricted books. Guards were posted throughout the building, and it was rare that a book actually left. Most were read on-site, often with a librarian hovering around the reader to make sure they didn't damage the fragile, aged paper. Some were so old that the originals were just crumbling scraps of parchment, and ponies had to rely on the notes made by students that had come before them.

"Really?" Twilight rolled her eyes. "Why do you need to search my bags before I even go in?"

"It's procedure, Ma'am," the guard said, as he held out a hoof for her saddlebags. Twilight relented and passed them over.

"It's just stupid. What am I going to do, bring in matches and hold the books hostage until my political demands are met?" She pouted while the guard looked through her things.

"Yarn and knitting needles," the stallion reported, pulling the ball of multicolored yarn out and setting it aside.

"Everypony needs a hobby," Twilight said, brightly.

"Half a sandwich. Tomato?"

"I forgot I had that. It's still good. You can have it if you want, but I recommend some extra salt and pepper."

The guard nodded and put the sandwich aside gratefully. Shining Armor was well aware that they didn't get to eat on duty very often. Even half a sandwich was probably too tempting to resist. He pulled a book from the bag with a black cover, elegant in the same way as a discreet brown paper bag. "Fifty Shades of Neigh."

"It's for a school assignment!" Twilight said, blushing. The guard suppressed a laugh and looked at the last item in her saddlebags.

"Hoofcuffs?" The guard asked, surprised at what he'd found.

"They came with the book," Twilight said, quietly, her cheeks bright red.

"Right, uh, everything seems to be in order," the guard said, repacking Twilight's bags and giving them back to her. "Since you're a guest, please remember the library rules. No entrance is permitted into the restricted section, please avoid making loud noises, and if you have problems reaching a book, see a librarian rather than trying to get it yourself."

"Thank you," Twilight said, looking down. The guard gave Shining Armor a small smirk that said it all. He'd already dismissed Twilight as a threat. The smartest part of Shining Armor suggested that maybe, just maybe, he should warn the guard, but it was ignored.

"Sorry about that," Shining Armor said, as they walked inside, the guard following them. "They have to check. Last month they had a pony come in here with fireworks and she caused a little bit of a problem."

"Because of noise?"

"Because of the fire," Shining Armor sighed. "Thankfully she was in the alchemy section when they went off. Those books are specially designed to be resistant to fire, explosions, chemical spills, and melting. The smoke got into the spellbook section, though. I heard they had to send a lot of books away to be repaired."

"Fireworks... Trixie Lulamoon?" Twilight asked.

"You know her?" Shining Armor was surprised. He didn't think Twilight knew anypony except her teachers and family.

"She tutored me on sleight of hoof," Twilight said. "Kind of full of herself, but nice if you get to know her. You know, I bet I could set you two up on a date!" Twilight grinned. "You'd like her. She's got all sorts of personality, and some of it is even good!"

"Not a date, but I would like to meet some of your friends," Shining Armor offered, blushing. "You know I've got my eye on somepony."

"Yeah, somepony who you never talk about," Twilight rolled her eyes. "You keep secrets even better than I do."

That made Shining Armor uncomfortable. He had good reasons to keep certain things secret, even from Twilight. It made part of him wonder just how much Twilight was keeping secret from him, too.

"Oh wow, Shiny!" Twilight gasped. "Look at that!" Twilight ran over to a book on a plinth, done up in blue binding with a swirling design on the cover in place of a title. A glass case surrounded it, protecting it from dust, water, and students.

"Don't touch that!" Said the guard, before Twilight's hoof could reach up and grab the book. "Please note the signs. That book is very old and valuable."

Twilight nodded. "The Tome of Starswirl the Bearded. It's said to contain all sorts of spells! Reversing gravity, teleportation, maybe even time travel!"

"The last one's a myth," the guard said. "This spellbook is restricted, though. It's out here because of the fire damage. We've only got so many cases that lock. Once things are cleaned up, it's going back to the locked shelves."

"But since it's not locked up, does that mean I can read it?" Twilight asked, hopefully.

"Since you're not a student, you'd need permission from the librarian," the guard said. "And she's not likely to give it. She's the only one with the key, so don't ask me."

"Oh," Twilight said, lowering her hoof. "Shiny? Could you go ask the librarian if I can read this?" She batted her eyelashes sweetly.

"Twilight, there are plenty of other books-"

"Please?" Twilight sniffled. "I can stay here with this strapping, handsome guard. I'm sure he can keep an eye on me." She winked at the bigger stallion, who had the decency to blush and say nothing.

"Anything for you, sis," Shining Armor sighed. At least he wasn't leaving her alone.

"Twilight, bad news. She said no, but I was able to get a different spellbook for... you..." Shining Armor said, as he turned the corner. He trailed off at what he found. The case was open, with knitting needles still in the lock. The guard was unconscious, part of the sandwich still in his hoof. Yarn had been braided into a rope and the hoofcuffs used as a grappling hook, leading to an open window. Fifty Shades of Neigh sat where The Tome had been only a few minutes ago.

Twilight, of course, was long gone.

Shining Armor burst into the house, furious.

"Twilight! I know you're in here!" he yelled.

"You don't have to shout," Twilight said, from upstairs. She leaned over the balcony to look at him, smiling crookedly. "I should have known you'd come here first."

"You stole a book!" Shining Armor accused. "What's wrong with you? Do you know how serious this is? If you bring it back and apologize, maybe they won't press charges!"

"Bring it back, huh?" Twilight looked up, tapping her chin as if considering it. "Nah. I'm gonna keep it. It's a pretty good read, and I'm only partway through it so far!"

"I'm not kidding, Twilight," Shining Armor said. He stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at her. "This is a felony. Worse, you clearly planned the whole thing! You used me! You played me like a damn fiddle!"

"It did take a lot of planning," Twilight admitted. "Arranging the fire was the hardest part, though Trixie's grades are much improved. She was in danger of failing Comparative Theology before I wrote a few of her reports for her."

"You even-" Shining Armor shook his head. "Twilight, why are you doing this? You know mom and dad would do anything for you. You don't need to steal!"

"Do you know our grandmother, Twilight Twinkle, was one of the greatest thieves of all time?" Twilight asked, tilting her head. "All the money we have was stolen from somepony else. Mostly people who didn't deserve to have it. She even stole a kiss from Princess Celestia, if the rumors are true!" Twilight grinned.

"That's... not true," Shining Armor muttered. "She wasn't a thief."

"Maybe you should do some research. I did!" Twilight shrugged. "Anyway, I'm going to be leaving town. I wrote a note for mom and dad to let them know. I just came back to grab my stash before I left." She patted a saddlebag.

"No," Shining Armor said, firmly. He started up the stairs. "You did something wrong, and you have to fess up to it. I'm going to bring you in."

"Something wrong? Nopony was hurt. The guard is just napping from the drugged sandwich, the book is going to be read instead of being locked away, and I got away cleanly."

"I'm hurt," Shining Armor protested. "You hurt me when you used me. I'm your big brother and you..." He shook his head. "That really hurts, Twilight. You don't even care."

"Come on, don't take it personally," Twilight said. "I love you, Shiny, even if you're a little dense sometimes. I mean, coming here alone? That's just asking for trouble."

"I love you too, sis - but I didn't come alone."

Windows broke as two pegasai guards burst into the hallway, trapping Twilight between them and Shining Armor. She raised an eyebrow and looked at them.

"Okay, that's a little better. But isn't this a bit much for one filly? I'm barely even a teenager." She took a step back.

"Just come along quietly," one of the guards said. "You're in a lot of trouble and you're only going to make it worse if you run."

"Have you ever heard of the prisoner's dilemma?" Twilight asked. "See, it relates to the way ponies treat each other. Two criminals are being questioned. If one talks and the other doesn't, the one who talks goes free and the other gets a moderate sentence. If neither of them talk, they both get sentenced, but only a light one. If both of them talk, they get long sentences. The thing that works out best for both of them is if neither talks, but it's our nature to try and throw the other pony under the cart to save ourselves."

"Ma'am-" The guard started. Twilight held up a hoof.

"If I go with you peacefully, I'll, what, get a year or two in juvie? And if I run and get caught It'll be more like four or five. But if I run and you can't catch me, well." Twilight smiled. "Then I guess that would be no time at all."

Her horn lit up, and there was a bright flash of light as she vanished.

"What in Tartarus?" one of the guards swore. "Where'd she go?!"

"The book had a teleport spell!" Shining Armor realized. "She said she'd already started reading it! She must have learned enough to cast it!"

"She can't have gotten far," one pegasus said to the other. "Recruit, you did the right thing telling your superiors about what happened. We'll take it from here." They took off through the windows they'd broken. Shining Armor sighed and sat down at the top of the stairs. How had things gone so wrong so quickly?

"Stealing a book, leading the guards on a chase through Canterlot, and getting away after luring them into a trap involving a smoke machine, a low bridge, and fast-setting concrete," Twilight Velvet noted, reading over the papers.

"She really does take after you, honey," Night Light said.

"Night Light, that's not fair," Twilight Velvet said, calmly. "You know I never did anything quite that daring. I never got caught, after all. No, she's much more like her grandmother. My mother could never resist giving little hints and teasing the guards and making sure that everypony knew she was the one behind her crimes."

"I remember the first date you and I had," Night Light said. "She stole my wallet and left an IOU. And I only found out when I needed to pay the bill at the restaurant!"

"You enjoyed it," Velvet smiled. "It wasn't the only time we pulled a dine-and-dash."

"Can you please not discuss crime at the table," Shining Armor said. Dinner was also not going how he had expected. They were supposed to be upset and broken up, not excited!

"Don't be such a spoil-sport, Shiny," Velvet cautioned. "Anyway, I'm a bit sad to see your sister strike out on her own at such a young age. I hope she isn't rushing things."

"She's a criminal on the run!" Shining Armor snapped. "Don't you even care?!"

"Of course we care," Velvet said, her voice dropping to a whisper. "And I'm worried about her. But I love her, and I know you do, too. This was her choice, and as long as she doesn't hurt anypony, I'm just happy that she's doing what she wants to do."

Many years later, Captain Shining Armor, Duly Appointed Enforcer of the Equestrian Accord, tacked another newspaper article up on the board behind his desk. A casino had been robbed. The investigation had turned up quite a few interesting things about the owner, and the damage to the building had forced it to shut down for safety concerns, but there was no sign of the money.

He couldn't prove it was the work of his sister. Not yet. But it felt like it was one of her capers.

"I'll get you, Twilight," he muttered, as he sat back and looked at the array of crimes and unusual events that all centered around her. "I'll bring you in for your own good."

Author's Notes:

See the word bookmark is a pun because it's a book and it's also the mark and- I've killed the joke haven't I?

This one's a little short but shows some important family interactions and backstory.

Griffonstone Part One! - A Fateful Reunion

Griffonstone always smelled faintly of dust and ash and, maybe only to Gilda, the scent made her think of scones. Her grandfather had always made them, every morning. She hated them, but she ate them anyway, because they were his, and a family had to have pride even if the flour was cheap and old and cut with something, and the acorns had gone off, and they barely had any wood for the stove.

Ponies who came to Griffonstone (and not a lot of them did) always wondered how things could have gotten as bad as they did. They didn't understand what happened when no one was in charge. When someone called for help and no one came.

"You grew up in this dump?" Twilight asked. She wasn't a subtle or delicate pony. Gilda appreciated that. It was one of the reasons they got along. And, Gilda had to agree, the town was a dump. A few more buildings had fallen down since she'd last visited.

"Yeah. This used to be my gang's territory." Gilda lifted a few fallen boards and found a familiar design in purple spray paint. "Heh. Still got a few of our old tags around." She tossed the boards back where they'd been.

"...If the buildings were made out of rock they would have lasted longer," Maud noted.

"They weren't built to last," Gilda said. "They were built quickly and cheaply." She winced as a few tiles fell from a roof behind them. "And badly."

"Why are we here?" Twilight asked. "I mean, no offense, it's great to get out of Equestria for a while, but I don't think there's anything worth stealing around here and you know I don't steal from anyone that can't afford to lose what I'm taking."

"Because of that." Gilda pointed. A cloud layer hung heavily over the city, making everything overcast and grey. For a long moment, Twilight and Maud couldn't see anything. Then they realized they were looking at the wrong scale. It wasn't something in the clouds, it was the clouds themselves, a perfect disk with sharp edges hanging perfectly still, even in the slight breeze of the mountains.

"What is it?" Twilight asked.

"It's a stadium," Gilda said. "It was built to host the Wonderbowl. You can't see much from ground level, but it wasn't built to be seen from the ground."

"Why would they build a stadium here?" Twilight asked. "Especially one that big - how could they even afford it when..." She gestured to the ruined buildings around her.

"Take a look," Gilda said, holding out a newspaper.

"Let's see..." Twilight skimmed the paper, unable to help reading it. "Wonderbowl to go on despite allegations of bribery during bidding process... community leaders say the influx of tourism will bring prosperity to Griffonstone... and a really nice looking pegasus mare on page three." Twilight leered at the paper, grinning. "I'd preen those wings anytime-"

Gilda snatched the paper back. "They bribed the officials in charge to get it here, and then they built a stadium with wages so low it was practically slave labor," she glared up at the clouds.

"That's rough, but there's not much we can do about it," Maud said.

"Sure there is," Gilda smiled. "Do you know how much ponies and griffons will be paying for tickets?"

Twilight bit her lip, doing the math. "Assuming it's about the same size as the last Wonderbowl, it's a mean of 50 bits per ticket, varying from 10 bits for the cloud bleachers to thousands for a box seat enchanted for cloud-walking. Sixty-five thousand attendees..."

"Three million, two hundred fifty thousand," Maud said.

"And the betting pool will be triple that," Gilda noted.

"Thirteen million bits," Twilight whispered.

"Better - most of it will be in Griffonian Talons. Paper money. Add in a couple million for money changers, and you're looking at a giant haul even if we have to leave the gold behind."

"Okay, you've convinced me," Twilight smiled. "I've never robbed a stadium before. It'll be an interesting challenge."

"You're insane," Gerta said, flatly, as she looked at the unicorn standing in her office. He came with papers that said he was a royal guard, and a captain at that, but she was starting to think he was in fact a refugee from an insane asylum.

"I'm telling you, she'll try to rob this place," Shining Armor said. "My sources say Twilight Sparkle took a boat to Griffonstone, and there's no way she's after anything but the money."

"Captain," Gerta said, reluctantly, clearly not sure if she should be calling him that. "I think she'll find it difficult to steal from a building she can't even stand in. Unless she has a plan to strap herself to a balloon to keep herself from falling through the floor, I doubt some common thief will be a concern."

"She's no common thief," Shining Armor said, pacing. "You may notice that I'm walking just fine. She can cast a cloud-walking spell at least as well as I can."

"Even if she can do that, we have our own guards. This isn't Equestria, Captain Armor. Despite the Equestrian Accords, you don't have jurisdiction here. In fact, we don't even have an extradition policy." Gerta raised an eyebrow. "If she is here, and she's here to enjoy the games peacefully, I will treat her just like I do any other Equestrian and welcome her with open talons."

"You can't be serious! She's-"

"A pony," Gerta said. "If she tries anything, well, our laws are a little different than yours. The traditional punishment for theft is death, and since she's a pony, well, we're used to you trying to take everything from us. Our pride, our money, even you're trying to take our authority. We will deal with her ourselves if it comes to it."

Shining Armor kicked at the clouds under him as he left the office and walked out onto the surface of what the locals were calling The Disc. It was positioned right over Griffonstone, and made it invisible, covering it like sweeping dirt under a blanket. Even at the edges, you'd get a nasty case of vertigo but barely see anything of the city underneath.

"Hey, bro," Twilight said, from across the street.

Shining Armor's eye twitched. He turned to look at her. She was grinning widely, with a big novelty hat that had little Wonderbolts figures hanging from strings around the rim.

"Twilight!" He growled, stomping over to her. "You've got a lot of nerve showing your face here. Well, jokes on you! I just talked to the Director of Stadium Affairs, and I made sure she knows all about you and your tricks!"

"Okay," Twilight shrugged. "You know, you should relax a little, bro. We could get caught up, have a few drinks..."

"You're not old enough to drink."

"I'd sure hate to break the law!" Twilight laughed. "But actually, there's no legal drinking age here. I can drink all I want, though if I have more than a few I'd better stay away from the edge." She winked.

"That's it." Shining Armor grabbed her hoof and dragged her away from the street. "You're coming with me, and we're going back to Equestria, and you're going to go in front of Celestia and beg her for forgiveness and maybe they'll reduce your sentence-"

"You know, if I yelled for help right now, those nice griffons across the street would come over and make sure you stopped bothering me," Twilight whispered, still smiling. "Unfortunately, I'm told that sometimes when they're taking ponies in for questioning, they lose their grip." The string around one of the Wonderbolt figures hanging from her hat glowed pink and snapped, the wooden pegasus plunging down through the clouds.

"Are you threatening me?" Shining Armor asked, taking a step back.

"No, I'm warning you," Twilight said. "I don't want you to get hurt, and there are some unpleasant people around here." Her eyes flicked back to where a bird wearing nondescript grey was leaning against a wall.

"...One drink," Shining Armor sighed. "And only so I can tell Mom you're still alive."

"Great!" Twilight smiled happily, dragging him towards a bar. Or more properly, a pub, done up in the Trottingham style and made to look old even though the 'antique' wood was brand-new and Shining Armor could still see the price tags on some of the 'authentic' decorations hanging from the walls.

"This is... nicer than I expected," Shining Armor admitted.

"Up here they don't have any dive bars," Twilight shrugged. "It's all new, you know? Can't have something scary and actually authentic or else it'll scare the tourists away. They've even got a Hayburger Princess!"

"But griffons don't eat hayburgers," Shining Armor said. They slid into a booth, and he could see that the pub had a little menu on each table with drinks that had all sorts of fanciful names.

"Ponies do," Twilight said. "And ponies are the ones bringing all the money in. It's quiet now, but the big game is in three days, and by then this place will be standing room only. To tell the truth, I kind of hate it. It's awful below here but it's real, you know?" She turned to the waitress. "Two Falling Apples, please. Actually, make them doubles."

"Falling Apples?"

"Cider with a drop-shot of apple brandy," Twilight explained. "Ale is a little too bitter for my taste."

"You did always have a sweet tooth," Shining Armor smiled a little. "Look, I know you're not here just to enjoy the game, so can we please not pretend you're a tourist and talk about this?"

"Alright," Twilight shrugged. "I did always appreciate you, you know. You're a great guard. Captain Shining Armor, Duly Appointed Enforcer of the Equestrian Accord!" She giggled. "I think my line of work brings in more money, though."

"It's not about the money, it's about helping ponies," Shining Armor muttered. The drinks were put in front of them and neither went for them immediately.

"Look, if I was planning something," Twilight said. "And this is hypothetical, mind you. If I was planning something, you know I wouldn't hurt anypony innocent, and you don't have any jurisdiction here. Why don't you just enjoy the game? It should be really exciting."

"Not going to hurt anypony?" Shining Armor shook his head and slammed his drink back before continuing, the alcohol helping him work up to what he wanted to say. "What about all the ponies who came across an ocean to watch the biggest cloudball game of the year? Wonderbolts versus Equestrian Navy. You're going to tell me that you're not hurting anyone when you ruin a trip some of them spent months saving up for?"

"Actually, one of my friends is a big cloudball fan. We're not going to interrupt the game at all." She smiled. "So who's your team? Wonderbolts or Navy?"

"Navy," Shining Armor said, absently. "Just- please, don't do this." He sighed. "I can't arrest you, but as your brother, I'm begging you to reconsider. All the money is going to charity and the griffons need it. If you've been on the ground, you know that."

"Charity?" Twilight asked, hesitating.

"You didn't know?" Shining Armor frowned and grabbed one of the little menus, flipping it over to the back. It was an add for the Wonderbowl, which was kind of silly - nopony was going to be there except for the Wonderbowl itself. "Every year the proceeds go to a different charity. This year it's the Griffonstonian Reconstruction Fund."

"I- damnit," Twilight swore, sitting back. "I'm not going to steal from charity. I need to go talk to some people."

"I'll pick up your tab," Shining Armor said.

"Thanks," Twilight sighed. "Enjoy the game, Bro." She walked out, head hung low.

"I agree with Twilight," Maud said, as they gathered in a dive bar in the gloom under the stadium. "It's not right to take from charity."

The bar itself could have used some charity. If the pub up in the clouds above was a fake wash of class over a shell with no substance, the bar here was the salt of the earth itself. Everything was old, worn down, and comfortable in the way your favorite shirt is comfortable, even though it has a few holes in it and it's faded so badly that the colors are barely hanging on at all. It was almost empty at this time of day, though with the permanent cloud layer above it was impossible to tell what time of day it was at all without a watch.

"Feathers," Gilda sighed. "Okay. I'm not enough of a donkey-kisser to try and change your minds. Tartarus, I was thinking of giving my share to the birds here anyway. No point if it's already going to them, right?"

"Guess we're out of a job," Twilight smiled crookedly. She raised up a dirty glass half-full of something that had been brewed in a bathtub and distilled in the shed around the side of the building. "To honest crooks."

Gilda snorted and raised her glass. "And cops that make sense once in a while."

Maud nodded and raised her own glass. They clinked them together and downed the drink, which burned like fire and tickled like pegasus down at the same time. It was unpleasant but had a surprising sweetness under the heady grain flavor.

Twilight coughed. "Man, that's the stuff. Think they've got blood wine around here?"

"In a place like this?" Gilda raised an eyebrow. "They'll sell you something and say it's bloodwine, sure. But it's just gonna be grain alcohol with a rusty nail in it."

"I should have known I'd find you in a place like this," said a scratchy, cocksure voice from the doorway. Gilda groaned and put her head down on the table without even looking.

"Buck my life," she said to herself, voice muffled.

A rainbow-maned pegasus trotted in. Well, trotted was the wrong word. She was hovering just above the floor like she didn't want to dirty her hooves on it.

"Who's the cutie?" Twilight whispered.

"My ex," Gilda sighed.

"Is she any good, you know." Twilight wiggled her eyebrows. "Eh? Eh? Is she a goer?"

"Don't even feathering start," Gilda warned her. She turned around. "So how many bars did you have to look through before you found me?"

"Five or six," the pegasus shrugged. "Why don't you introduce me to your new friends?"

"Twilight, Maud, this is Rainbow Dash," Gilda sighed. "She's the fastest pegasus alive, in bed."

"That's right, I'm the- hey!" Dash glared.

"How did you even know I'd be here?" Gilda asked.

"I, you know," Dash shrugged. "I check. Before every show. Sometimes."

"Before every show," Twilight considered. "Wait, are you-"

"A Wonderbolt?" Dash grinned, flying up a little higher and puffing out her chest with pride. "You might just be looking at the youngest and fastest pony to ever make it onto the team. Autographs are free as long as you don't try and sell 'em."

"Gilda, you never told me you knew a Wonderbolt," Twilight admonished.

"We haven't exactly been close since, well..." Gilda shrugged.

"Since I broke it off because it looks bad for a Wonderbolt to be dating somebird with a price on her head," Dash said, frowning at Gilda. "I guess your tastes have changed, though I can't blame you - no other pegasus could possibly compete with this flank." Dash turned around and wiggled her butt.

"They're business partners," Gilda said. Dash stopped and looked at Twilight and Maud.

"Business partners, huh? So more petty criminals?" Dash prodded Twilight in the chest. "I better not see you jerks picking pockets or trying anything funny! This is a serious game!"

"We're just here to watch," Twilight said. "But if you want to do something afterwards, I can show you just how good I am at... picking pockets." She winked. Dash's cheeks turned red and she backed off a few steps.

"I'm not into mares like that," Dash said, quickly.

"...You're Gilda's ex," Maud noted, tilting her head.

"It's different if it's a griffon! Duh! Obviously!" Dash snorted. "I want a promise on your honor that you're not here to steal anything!"

"I promise, on my honor as a criminal and cutthroat, that I am not currently planning on stealing anything," Gilda said. "I mean, feathers, Dash. I'm not gonna hit a charity fund."

"Okay," Dash said, starting to relax. "Well, I'm here sort of incognito, so if you're really playing this cool, maybe I'll have a drink with you and your friends, if you ask."

Gilda rolled her eyes. "Dash, will you please do me the honor of having a shitty drink with me and my two awful friends?"

"I'm not awful," Maud said. It would have been a protest but there wasn't enough emotion in it to make it more than a statement.

"Okay, my one awful friend, and Maud."

"Thank you," Maud nodded.

"Sure," Dash smirked. "Since you asked nicely. What were you drinking?"

"If you have to ask, you don't want to get drunk enough," Gilda said, motioning to the bartender. Four glasses were set out on the bar, and Twilight pulled them over with her magic. All four shattered as a crossbow bolt smashed through them, narrowly missing Gilda's head. Two griffons had walked in with crossbows drawn, wearing the same nondescript grey as the bird Twilight had spotted before.

"But we're not even doing anything illegal!" Twilight protested. Gilda grabbed her by the collar of her jacket and pulled her down below the table before she could get shot.

Dash dove for cover, looking confused. "What the hay is going on?!"

"I don't think they care too much," Gilda said. "Maud, think you can handle this without wrecking the place?"

The earth pony was poised, ready to pounce, looking at the armed griffons. Maud's hoof struck out like a snake, grabbing a crossbow bolt from the air. She glanced at it before tossing it away. "Yes."

"This isn't going to be one of those times where you say-"

"That I don't kill people without being paid?" Maud asked. "No. I'm a little annoyed they spilled my drink." She stood up, and deflected another bolt away from her face. Spinning, she grabbed a shard of one of the broken glasses from the table and threw it with deadly accuracy, one of the griffons falling and grabbing at his eye. The second hesitated, looking at his partner, and that moment of hesitation was his undoing. Before he even turned back, Maud's hooves were around his neck.

There was a surprisingly quiet snapping sound, and he fell to the floor.

"It's safe," Maud said, after a moment.

"You just killed those guys!" Dash gasped.

"They were trying to kill us," Maud noted.

"And you grabbed crossbow bolts from the air!"

"It's not that hard as long as you have good reflexes."

"Are you doing anything later?" Dash whispered. "Because that was incredibly hot."

"This is not the time!" Gilda snapped. "Twilight, give them the once over and see if you can figure out who they were working for."

"I already know," Twilight said, casting a spell on them anyway. Their pockets emptied out, the contents gathering in a bubble. "It was in the paper, remember? 'Community Leaders say the tourism will bring prosperity to Griffonstone'. Well, these guys work for those 'Community Leaders', who I'm guessing are sitting in offices up there."

"But why would they want to kill you guys?" Dash asked, confused.

"Good question," Twilight admitted. "Maybe they're worried we wouldn't be the nice, honest crooks we are."

"You need to go," Gilda said. "Last thing you need is to be seen, miss incognito. You could have at least worn a hat, Dash."

"Why?" Dash asked, confused.

"Because you have a feathering rainbow-" Gilda stopped and took a deep breath. "Just get out of here. You've got a game to play and you don't wanna get caught up in this, right?"

"Right," Dash agreed. She hesitated on her way to the window. "Gil, I know things have been kinda weird between us ever since we broke up. Maybe we can hang out once this all blows over?"

"Yeah," Gilda smiled. "I'd like that."

Dash nodded and jetted out the window, leaving a rainbow trail.

"She really is fast," Twilight noted.

"Set all kinds of academy records," Gilda agreed. "She even did a sonic rainboom when she was a filly."

"I meant that she hit on Maud, then within a minute she wants to hang out with you." Twilight frowned. "Why didn't she ask me out?"

Gilda smacked her on the back of the head. "Come on. We need to figure out what to do next."

Griffonstone Part Two! - Falling For You

"I'm glad no one was hurt in the attack," Gerta said.

"Except the attackers," Shining Armor noted. "Who both died."

"Unfortunately without leaving any identifying information," Gerta said, looking at a file on her desk and flipping through some papers. "Once things have quieted down we'll begin a full investigation, of course."

"When things have quieted down?" Shining Armor frowned. "There are two dead griffons in the morgue and you want to wait a few days before you even start looking for answers?"

"I don't want to worry any of the tourists," Gerta said, smoothly. "The Wonderbowl is key to economic stability for Griffonstone. I'd do anything to make sure it wasn't disturbed." She leaned forward slightly, fixing Shining Armor with a gaze. "Anything."

"Even have a few ponies killed?" Shining Armor asked.

"Removing problems that way would be rather extreme." Gerta opened a slim manilla folder. "I would hope that it was never needed."

"As would I," Shining Armor said. "So it's my duty to inform you that, as an Equestrian citizen is reportedly involved in the attack, I'm going to have to exercise my authority under the Equestrian Accord to begin an independent investigation of these events."

"Ah yes, the Equestrian Accord..." Gerta trailed off. "Do you know the history of the accord? It's quite interesting." She stood up and started pacing. "It was forced onto Griffonstone after the third Griffon War, after the Empire broke apart into city-states. At the time it seemed to just be Equestria flexing its muscles and making us accept their laws."

"Do you still feel that way?" Shining Armor asked.

"Me? No," Gerta smiled. "I take the long view. The Accord also provided for trade agreements and protection from the Equestrian armed forces in case of attack. In the early days of Griffonstone it kept us from being re-absorbed by one of the larger city-states."

"That's good," Shining Armor said.

"Once griffons have something to be proud of again, things will get better," Gerta said. She walked over to the window of her office and gestured outside. "You see that out there? The stadium is like a little city. Hotels for visitors, restaurants, shops. Once the games are over, it won't all go away."

"Yeah, but I don't see a lot of locals shopping out there," Shining Armor said.

"They will, Captain." Gerta smiled. "They will."

"I can't believe you let them arrest us," Twilight hissed at Gilda. The cell was filthy. "Do you know what they do to ponies in a place like this? It involves a bun and ketchup!"

"We can leave any time we want," Maud noted. "Even if the lock wasn't so awful that you could pick it with a spoon, the cell door is barely on its hinges and the wall is rotting."

"If we leave, they'll chase us," Gilda said. "Self-defense isn't a crime here, but escaping from jail is."

"I don't like being locked up," Twilight grumbled.

"Well, darling, lucky for you, I posted bail." Twilight's ears twitched and she smiled as a familiar face came around the corner. Rarity looked at the three and shook her head. "I'm not sure quite why, though. If I had any sense I'd have left you in there."

A griffon walked past her and unlocked the cell door, glaring at Gilda as the three left the small cell.

"What are you doing here?" Gilda asked.

"I got a complimentary ticket - I designed the Navy uniforms, darling," Rarity smiled. "Unfortunately the Wonderbolts already have a contract, but that's due to expire soon. After they see how dashing the other team is, they'll be sure to accept my bid for next year's design."

"Thanks, Rarara," Twilight said, stretching her legs. "You wouldn't believe how hard it is to not escape prison."

"I suppose I wouldn't know, since I'm smart enough to avoid it." Rarity turned and walked out, the others following her. "I believe this is when you tell me that you're going to let me in on your little scheme and give me a double share for my trouble."

"There's no scheme," Twilight shrugged.

"What do you mean, there's no scheme?" Rarity looked back, disappointed. "You always have a scheme. You don't get a hit put out on your for not having a scheme!"

"I called off the whole thing," Twilight admitted. "The profits are going to charity. I never steal from people that can't afford it."

"Really?" Rarity stopped, appraising her. "Well, that's surprising. The rumor going around is that you're going to take every bit from the stadium before halftime. The insurance company is already getting forms ready."

"I guess somebird really doesn't want me getting my hooves on the dough," Twilight sighed.

"The funds are insured against theft, though," Rarity frowned. "Even if you took it all, the charity would still get its money. I do understand your reluctance, though, darling. I wouldn't steal from a beggar either."

"I bet if we go and talk to the people at the top, we can clear this up," Twilight said. "I mean, I'm sure they'll be reasonable about it."

Gerta looked up at a knock at her door. Normally, her secretary would alert her to any visitors with a bell. Either she'd forgotten - which was unlikely - or they'd slipped past her. Gerta put a piece of blotting paper in the ledger she'd been working on to serve as a bookmark and catch any still-wet ink before it could bleed onto the other page, then closed it and put it aside.

"Come in," Gerta said, after the ledger was safely in one of her desk drawers.

Her office door opened, and her eyebrow twitched as Twilight Sparkle, Maud, and Gilda walked in.

"Hey, there," Twilight said, smiling a little. "We were in the neighborhood-"

"A mile up and inside an office building?" Gerta asked.

"Just so," Twilight nodded. "And since we were so close by, I thought we'd come over and tell you that we're not actually here to steal anything. I'm a crook, but I wouldn't steal from charity, you know? You'd have to be a real scumbag to do that."

"Gerta," Gilda said, her eyes narrowing. "I didn't know it was you."

"It's been a while, Gilda," Gerta said. "You've got all sorts of friends these days. Thieves, assassins, Wonderbolts..." She smiled at Gilda's expression at the last item. "Rainbow Dash is hardly difficult to keep track of, considering she literally leaves a trail showing where she's gone."

"Twilight, this is a bad idea," Gilda whispered.

"Come on, Gilda, she's running a charity." Twilight shot back.

"Yes, a charity with a lot of money involved," Gerta snapped, shoving a pile of papers off her desk as she puffed up, looming over the invaders. "Do you know that ever since the rumors started that you'd show up, the insurers have been sharpening their little pencils and noting every talon that moves from one account to another?"

"That's what they do," Twilight shrugged.

"They're talking about doing an audit!" Gerta yelled. "A full audit, just because you might be around! They want to make sure you haven't made off with the money, you see."

"Well, uh..." Twilight hesitated. She felt things slipping away from her. She was clearly missing something. Gerta's expression wasn't one of a simple outraged clerk. "I haven't stolen anything? Really, I'm a victim. Some of the prices around here are pretty crazy. I mean, ten bits for a small popcorn?"

"The problem," Gerta growled, "Is that the money isn't there! And when the damned Royal Revenue Service clerks get out here with their little abacuses and notebooks, they're going to ask where that money went!"

"...And it's in your pockets," Gilda muttered.

"Only some!" Gerta defended. "Half! The rest will still be going to charity! I deserve it after all the trouble I went to to get this going!"

"You embezzled from a charity?" Maud asked. Her expression was flat, but something about her eyes made her look disgusted.

"...So I just sort of called you a scumbag," Twilight said.

"You did," Gerta said. "If you'd stayed put in that cell I would have arranged an accident there to deal with you. The dangers of a life of crime. Your brother could identify your body, and the auditors would be satisfied that the situation was resolved."

"That didn't work out for you, did it?" Twilight asked.

"No. But this won't work out for you," Gerta said. She pressed a button on her desk, and a half-dozen griffons with crossbows entered the room. Twilight reacted first and ran for the window, only to find herself almost running right into a loaded bow. Even more were outside, covering every possible escape route.

"Can't we talk this over?" Twilight asked, staring down the deadly mechanism at the griffon holding it, perched like a gargoyle just outside of the window.

"Take them somewhere dangerous," Gerta said. "I don't want this done in my office. There are too many people around. I want them found after some harm comes to them, understood?"

The griffons nodded, gesturing for the captured group to walk out.

In the hallway, Shining Armor watched from a shadowed corner as his sister and her friends were taken away at gunpoint. He'd picked up a lot of tricks over the last few years of chasing after a master criminal, including how to hide. The key was staying very still, not making a lot of noise, and moving all of the potted plants into one spot to use them as a hunting blind.

"I should have known she'd get into trouble," he whispered.

"The good thing is, they won't kill us here," Twilight whispered. "They won't want a murder scene up here on the Disc."

"Great," Gilda said. "So they'll throw you two off the edge, then shoot me and throw me off the edge."

"Nah," Twilight assured her. "They want to be able to identify my body, so they'll have to get us down to the ground, then shoot us. Dropping from this height, we'd splash like rotten tomatoes. They'd be finding bits of us for weeks!"

"Thank you for that pleasant image," Maud sighed.

The three were led through back corridors of the stadium offices down into the cloud structure of the Disc itself.

"Oh wow, secret underground parking!" Twilight said, as they entered a cavern with a few chariots parked around a hole in the floor. With the grey cloud ceiling and no decent lighting, it would be almost invisible from below.

"It's not underground," Maud said. "It's actually really high up."

"Yeah, but, you know. It's under a lot of stuff." Twilight sighed. "So, uh, Gilda, I take it you know the bird upstairs?"

"She's my ex."

"I thought Rainbow Dash was your ex."

"I have a lot of exes."

"You need to work on your relationships with other people," Maud offered. "I think it's important to stay friends even if you find yourself growing apart."

"She stole all my money and left me for dead," Gilda noted.

"And now she's running the Wonderbowl," Twilight said. "I guess she made some good investments."

"Hey!" Yelled a voice from the stairway.

"No way," Twilight said, blinking in surprise. She heard hooves approaching, and between that and the voice...

Shining Armor ran into the room, and almost into a volley of crossbow bolts, only barely getting a shield up in time to stop them.

"I need to learn that spell," Twilight said.

Maud looked at the distracted griffons and punched one hard enough to send him through the hole in the middle of the floor.

"As a duly appointed enforcer of the Equestrian Accord, I order you to cease and desist this illegal activity!" Shining Armor yelled. "Put the crossbows down and-" Another bolt hit his shield. "Right, then. Guess we're doing this the easy way."

Twilight shot one of the griffons with a force bolt and ran for cover behind one of the carriages in the garage, jumping over it and nearly making it unscathed, a crossbow bolt grazing her cutie mark and leaving a shallow, painful, cut.

"Ow!" Twilight hissed. "I really don't like these guys."

Maud knocked another griffon out of the room, and Shining Armor managed to get two with a wide blast of magic, sending them through one of the wooden carts hard enough to shatter the boards.

Gilda grabbed the last one, twisting his crossbow around and overpowering him. The bolt slammed into his chest, and he went limp. Gilda dropped him to the floor.

"Thanks for the assist, bro," Twilight said. "I didn't think you were still hanging around."

"I knew you'd end up causing trouble," Shining Armor said. "I didn't think you'd be the one in that trouble."

"Gerta is trying to cover up how much she's embezzled," Gilda said. She picked up the griffon she'd shot and tossed him over the edge. "Just the rumor that the money would be stolen means that a lot of eyes are going to be on it, and she doesn't want that. And don't give me that look, he was more or less dead already when I tossed him over the edge."

"Stealing from charity..." Shining Armor shook his head. "What a scumbag."

"See, that's what I said," Twilight agreed. "Maud, those griffons you ejected are going to come back sooner or later. We should leave before they do."

Maud stood at the edge of the hole, looking down. "I broke their wings before I threw them. They won't be back."

"Rotten tomato," Gilda snickered.

"She's going to try and get rid of any evidence," Shining Armor said. "We need to stop her."

"We?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"There's an active crime in progress," Shining Armor noted. "According to the Accord, even without jurisdiction I can make an arrest. She tried to have my little sister killed and she's going to go down for that. Hard."

"If you weren't my brother I'd think you were flirting," Twilight teased.

"She'll destroy the evidence if we don't stop her," Maud noted. "We should go."

"Good point," Twilight agreed. "Shiny, lead the way. And keep that shield handy in case we run into any more armed birds."

Gerta was a lot of things, but a dunce cap wasn't among the many hats she wore. She'd clawed her way to becoming a so-called 'community leader' by applying violence where she could get away with it, money where nothing else would work, and a great big heaping serving of lies to make it all work.

That was why she was stuffing papers into a bag. Especially the ledger. She couldn't let anyone have that. She'd burn it, but that was the awful thing she'd found about about covering her tracks - you couldn't cover them if you don't know where you left them. It was one thing to steal ten thousand bits, it was another to change invoices to make sure that it looked like the ten thousand had gone somewhere else.

There was a commotion at the door, and Gerta ran for the window, lugging the bag behind her. She opened it at the same time Twilight Sparkle pushed Shining Armor away and let Maud knock. The door flew across the room like it had been shot from a cannon, shattering her desk and turning into a cloud of splinters and sawdust.

Gerta jumped into the air, beating her wings and fleeing for safety. She wasn't stupid enough to fight, either.

"She's gone," Twilight cursed. "I can't hit her from here."

"I'll take care of it," Gilda said, stepping to the window. "It's a griffon problem, so a griffon should take care of it."

"Be careful," Maud advised her. "She might be out in the open, but in her mind she's backed into a corner. Even a rat will fight like a tiger if it has nowhere to run."

Gilda nodded and started after Gerta. Back before Gerta had left her for dead, they'd been evenly matched in the air, though that wasn't much of a complement. Gilda flew with a lot of power and very little grace. Griffons were predators, and evolution had favored straight-line acceleration and being able to dive for prey.

Gerta was going up, higher and higher. The Disc was already a mile above the ground, and that high, there were wisps of clouds, untamed ones that hadn't been cleared yet.

"Give it up!" Gilda yelled. She was gaining on Gerta, mostly because her ex was carrying a heavy-looking bag.

"This is all your fault!" Gerta screamed. "I was so close! I could have skimmed millions and hid it in the overhead!"

"If you hadn't gotten scared and tried to kill me, you might even have gotten away with it," Gilda admitted. "You got unlucky! Speaking as a professional thief, the long con is a game for people with some nerve and an escape plan, and you didn't have either of them! Even if you get away, you'll be hunted for the rest of your life!"

Gerta drew a crossbow from under her wing and took a shot back at Gilda, the awkward angle making the shot go wide. Gilda's didn't, hitting the straps of the bag she was holding and sending it to land on one of the wild clouds. Gerta screeched and turned back to dive for it. Gilda tackled her out of the air, both of them landing next to the bag.

"I'll kill you!" Gerta roared, talons reaching for Gilda's eyes.

Gilda flipped her over, getting on top of her and sitting on her back. "You know, part of me wants to get rid of you, but I think I'm going to take you in and let them arrest you so you can explain to everybird how you were stealing money from a charity."

Gerta kicked against the cloud under them, and they were abruptly falling as it dissipated. Gilda let go, surprised, and Gerta used the moment of shock to tear into her wing with a talon. Gilda screamed as primaries were torn out. She kicked Gerta away and shot at her, the crossbow bolt catching her between the ribs.

"Damn," Gilda swore, as she tried to flap. Her wings had no purchase in the air. She couldn't even slow herself down. The clouds were right below her, but at this speed, it'd be like falling onto concrete. Gilda would hit, break every bone in her body, then the cloud would give way and she'd fall another mile, just in case she wasn't dead already.

A rainbow streak hit her from the side, so close to the cloud layer that she could see the wisps at the edge. There was a jerk of sudden, crushing acceleration as her fall was arrested and turned sideways.

"Kept you waiting, huh?" Dash grinned. "You're lucky the fastest pegasus in the world saw you falling!"

"Gerta!" Gilda gasped. "That feathering- we need to make sure she doesn't get away."

"Uh, I wouldn't worry about that," Dash said. "See, you were both in freefall, and there's only one fastest pegasus in the world. I had to make a judgement call."

"And you chose me?"

"I'm not a great judge of character, but it seemed like the right move," Dash smirked. "Oh, and I grabbed this bag, too!" She held up the bag Gerta had stuffed full of documents.

"You saved the bag before you saved me?"

"Hey, don't criticize your rescuer," Dash said. "I can un-rescue you any time I want. So, uh, what's in the bag?"

"Something for the cops, I think."

Gilda howled in celebration as Dash streaked across the goal line. Twilight and Maud watched, more amused by the crowd than the game. They'd been given a box seat after it had become apparent that the griffon who was running it wasn't going to need it, on account of having embezzled six digits worth of bits and fallen out of the sky.

"It's too bad Shining Armor had to go back to Canterlot," Twilight said. "Apparently he had a big bag of important documentation that he needed to deliver to the Royal Revenue Service in person. He was even too busy to arrest me, as he repeatedly reminded me."

"Gerta isn't too happy either," Gilda said. "She's just lucky that Hayburger Princess was there to break her fall. She went right through the roof, and that was practically made out of balsa wood and hope thanks to her skimming the budget. Once she gets out of traction she'll probably spend the rest of her life in prison."

"It's too bad we didn't get any money," Maud said.

"We did get passes to the afterparty, though," Twilight smiled. "And Gilda got her face in the paper, in something that wasn't a mugshot. I think that all counts for something."

"Twilight! There you are!" Rarity said, her eyeliner running just enough to let ponies know she was upset without running so much it was unattractive. "Can you believe it? When I approached the manager of the Wonderbolts about redesigning their uniforms, she laughed at me!"

"Excuse me, girls. I need to go comfort my dearest Rarara," Twilight said, going to assure her that of course lace and tartan skirts were great cloudball uniform ideas.

"Do you think Rainbow Dash will want to hook up?" Maud asked Gilda, out of the blue. Gilda reeled for a moment with that question.

"Excuse me?"

"She just seems... interesting," Maud noted.

"Hey, she's my ex, so if anyone is hitting on her, it's me!" Gilda yelled.

"Oh. Well, just make your move fast, or someone else will beat you to it," Maud said.

"I'll ask her out when I see her at the after party. I'm practically a local hero now!"

"I'm sure she'd like that," Maud said. "She cares about you."

"Yeah," Gilda admitted. Then she smiled. "She's a terrible judge of character. Said so herself."

"Ah, good," Maud smiled slightly. "Then you do have a chance after all."

Author's Notes:

Griffons have very interesting laws regarding self-defense, and what is actually considered excessive force. All griffons are assumed to be armed with deadly weapons at all times, because between beaks, talons, and claws, they've got a plethora of ways to manage the act - and no griffon would ever admit that they were too weak to kill someone in a fight.

The Equestrian Accords are, as an aside, largely one-sided. They involve international aid, travel, and a subtle threat that if you don't fall in line you'll need to get your own sun and moon because the Princess will stop sharing.

Prestidigitation Part One! - The Jinx

"As you can see, Trixie's hat is empty," Trixie said, showing the inside of her hat to the audience. "But to a magician, an empty hat is full of possibility." She reached into the hat and pulled out a dove, tossing it into the air. There was polite, scattered applause.

Trixie rubbed her chin. "A dove is a bit too traditional, isn't it? There must be something better in here." She reached in, apparently feeling around. Soon her hoof was, impossibly, shoulder-deep in the hat. "Rabbit, rabbit, dove... Please bear with Trixie as she finds something more exciting." She tossed the named animals onto the stage like she was making room, then put her whole head into the hat, then her shoulders, and after a moment she vanished entirely into it, leaving the hat lying on the stage.

The hat wiggled and moved slightly, like it was alive. It hopped twice, and then bulged as something pressed its way out of it, Trixie backing out of the hat and dragging a confused-looking bear, which blinked and looked out at the audience.

"Trixie thought her hat felt a little heavy!" Trixie said, wiping her brow. The audience laughed. Trixie patted the bear on the head, then took off her cape and tossed it over him, the material somehow unfolding to cover it completely. Trixie held it there for a moment, then pulled it away with a flourish, revealing a stuffed toy.

"Much easier to carry!" Trixie declared. She picked up the teddy bear and motioned for a foal near the front to come closer to the stage, giving it to her. The audience applauded as the foal returned to her parents, clutching her new toy.

"She's pretty good," Gilda noted. "She's had her hat off for most of that, so this friend of yours hasn't even been using magic. We'd see her horn lighting up."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie would argue that the real magic is doing it without having to cast a spell," Twilight said. "She taught me a lot about sleight of hoof and picking locks."

"She uses a lot of props," Maud noted. "I'm not sure how she got the bear on stage, though."

"Magic, of course," Twilight said, with a grin.

The back doors of the Marecadian Projection burst open, and the Royal Guard poured into the room, a dozen troops in polished gold armor and a very familiar stallion in his custom purple.

"Twilight! I know you're here!" Shining Armor yelled. Twilight flinched and looked back.

"What in Tartarus?" Twilight swore. "How did he know I was even in Manehattan?"

"Let's get out of here," Gilda hissed.

"For her next trick, Trixie will need a volunteer from the audience," Trixie declared, ignoring the Royal Guard. Twilight looked to the stage and Trixie raised an eyebrow, giving her a look and gesturing to a seemingly-empty box standing up on stage.

"I volunteer!" Twilight yelled. "Gilda, Maud, get out of here while they're busy chasing me."

"There you are!" Shining Armor yelled, galloping towards her. Twilight bounded up onto the stage and ducked into the empty box, pulling it closed just before Shining Armor got to her.

"Hah! Got you now!" Shining Armor declared. He reached for the clasp, and Trixie knocked his hoof away.

"Please, Captain, this is a very dangerous trick," Trixie declared. She produced a sword, and Shining Armor backed up for a moment, preparing a shield. Before he could react, she spun and stabbed it into the box, the steel piercing easily through to the other side.

"What the-" Shining Armor gasped. Trixie grinned and flourished her cape, six more swords appearing at her hooves, embedded point-down into the floor. She picked up all of them in her magic and sent them into the box, turning it into a pincushion.

"Trixie thinks that would take care of anypony trying to hide from the law, don't you?" Trixie asked. Shining Armor paled.

"I was trying to take her alive!" Shining Armor said, horrified.

"Really?" Trixie gasped, acting surprised. She removed the swords. "Please, then, do the honors." She gestured to the handle of the box. Shining Armor pulled it open, and a skeleton fell out onto him. The box was, of course, otherwise completely empty.

"I guess I overdid it," Trixie said, sighing and tossing the skeleton away.

"Where's Twilight? What did you do with her?!" Shining Armor demanded.

"It's an act, Mister Guard. I'm afraid that sometimes ponies vanish." Trixie rubbed her chin. "Maybe we can bring her back." She walked up to the box, closing it. Trixie adjusted her hat and up one of the swords, waving it like a wand.

"If you don't bring her back, I'll-" Shining Armor growled.

"Behold!" Trixie yelled, the sword sparking and glowing. The box shivered, and she pulled it open. The bear that had vanished before looked out, with an even more confused expression. "Oh no! Trixie's volunteer might have met a grizzly end!"

"You're the one who's going to vanish right into a prison cell if you don't bright Twilight back!" Shining Armor yelled.

"That would just be unbearable," Trixie said. She gave Shining Armor the sword. "Trixie will try and fetch her. Make sure to wave the sword three times, then open the box."

Trixie stepped into the box, pushing the bear aside to make room, and closed it from within.

Shining Armor looked at the sword in his hooves and awkwardly waved it three times. There was a flash of light and a crash of fireworks, and the stallion vanished, leaving the stage empty. The box opened, and Shining Armor stepped out.

"What the- how did I get in the box?" He blinked. The sword was gone, and in its place he was holding a stuffed bear. Shining Armor growled and threw it to the ground. "Spread out and search backstage for them!"

The best thing about Manehattan was that you could get lost without having to go too far. A few blocks away from the Marecadian Projection, Trixie had taken the small group to an unmarked club set in the basement of an old brick building. It had once been a speakeasy, during the brief time that Princess Celestia had outlawed alcohol (she claimed it was an object lesson about how moderation is more valuable than proscription, though some historians quietly noted that the morning the prohibition was put into effect she was nursing a terrible hangover,) and now it was slightly more legitimate, but still discreet.

"That was a nice escape routine, Trixie," Twilight said. "I liked the part where you kept them distracted for a few minutes so I could get out from under the stage."

Trixie nodded in approval. Her hat and cape occupied the seat next to her. Without them, she seemed almost like a completely different pony.

"I couldn't allow my beautiful assistant to get hurt," Trixie smiled. "Though now it looks like I'm owed a favor. And one from the second-best sleight of hoof artist in Equestria."

Gilda sipped at her scotch and tilted her head. "Second-best?"

"I taught Twilight everything she knows, not everything I know," Trixie smiled. "A magician always needs to have a few tricks in reserve for a rainy day, just in case a critic shows up and demands something new."

"So what do you want?" Twilight asked. "I think I can fit something into my busy schedule."

"It should be easy," Trixie said. She reached over to her hat and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper. "Have you seen this?"

Twilight took it and spread it out on the table. It was an advertisement.

"The Equestrian Championships of Magic," Twilight read.

"I was invited to participate after a tour in Las Pegasus. While I was there, I saw the most curious thing - a casino with all of its gold flying off into the sky." She smirked. "It made me think of my old friend, Twilight Sparkle, and how she almost got me kicked out of school."

"I apologized for that," Twilight said, quickly.

"Well, considering you also wrote half of my essays, I decided to forgive you. You did even more work trying to keep me in school than you did getting me into trouble," Trixie said. "But you're a skilled rogue, and that's what I need."

"Why do you need her?" Maud asked.

"The same magician has won at the Equestrian Championship every year for the past five years," Trixie said. "Black Tie isn't a terrible magician, but I have a feeling that he hasn't been winning fairly. I saw him in Las Pegasus once and he was sort of clumsy, though he had good enough stage presence to recover from his stumbles. There have been too many accidents and too many coincidences for me to believe he's playing fair."

"A magician never plays fair," Twilight said.

"That's why you never beat me at cards," Trixie noted. "So I want you three to act as..." She tilted her head. "I suppose bodyguards is the best description? I don't want you to sabotage him, but I want a level playing field."

"It'd be easier to wish him luck," Gilda said. "I hear it's traditional to break a leg or two, and we can definitely help with that."

"No violence!" Trixie said. "I won't stoop to it."

"So just keep an eye out for you?" Twilight asked. "Why do you need me for that?"

"Because regular bodyguards are hopelessly dull," Trixie said. "A bit like your bird-brained friend here. I need ponies who can see tricks and traps coming. You know the old saying - to catch a thief, use a thief."

"Hm. Well, that does sound pretty easy," Twilight said.

"I'll pay for meals and a hotel room while you're helping," Trixie added. "It's the least I can do. If I get through it safely, I'll pay you what I can. Does that seem fair?"

"I've never been a bodyguard," Maud noted. "I suppose it's just like what I used to do, but in reverse."

"That's the spirit," Twilight said, patting her on the back.

"Do those meals include drinks?" Gilda asked.

"As long as it's not totally unreasonable," Trixie said, nodding.

"Great. I'm in. Bartender, another scotch."

The Equestrian Championship of Magic was one of the most exciting events of the year. This was because unlike the similar-sounding Canterlot Sorcery Awards, the ECM wasn't about clever spellcasting or making a panel of grey-bearded professors read your thesis.

The ECM was about the show. Ponies of all races were invited to compete. Black Tie, the five-time champion that Trixie was so worried about, was an earth pony who did all of his tricks with only skill and masterfully constructed props.

The ECM was always held in Manehattan, in an open-air amphitheater named the Scallop that ensured that there was plenty of room for the larger acts and to accommodate the needs of any pegasai competitors.

"Why are we here now?" Gilda asked, following Twilight as she walked through the backstage area. Trixie had given them disguises - actual ones that weren't just fake mustaches. Gilda's feathers were currently grey and slicked back, with green rings around her eyes and purple stripes that made her look almost more like a pigeon than a hawk.

"You know we always case the joint when we can," Twilight replied. Her coat was a sage green that looked like the upholstery in a bank, her mane a lighter shade streaked with gold. Trixie had slapped a fake cutie mark of a bit on her flanks to cover her distinctive stars, and she was as anonymous as any mare in a crowd. "Just keep your eyes open and think about how you'd sabotage the competition, and we'll work from there."

Trixie had even provided them with lanyards that marked them as being part of the staff so they could get in without having to do any breaking and entering. It almost felt like cheating.

"Trouble at twelve o' clock," Gilda muttered, as they turned a corner. Shining Armor was arguing with a severe-looking unicorn mare wearing a pinstripe vest that matched her mane, grey with thin black lines.

"Let's hope these disguises hold up," Twilight whispered.

"I keep telling you, there's no money involved," the pinstriped mare hissed. "Admission is free and there's not even any prize money."

"And I'm telling you Twilight Sparkle is in Manehattan suspiciously close to the event. We almost caught her at a magic show before she pulled a disappearing act," Shining Armor said.

"No doubt," the mare said. "If it was good, perhaps we'll invite her next year."

"Invite her-" Shining Armor growled in frustration. "She's going to try and steal something, you mark my words!"

"Your words are marked and noted," the mare said. "Now, unless you have a warrant I must ask you to leave. This is private property."

"You want a warrant, I'll get one," Shining Armor said. "I'm trying to do you a favor!"

"Oh, what's this behind your ear?" The mare asked, her tone still dry and annoyed. She reached behind Shining Armor's ear and produced a playing card. "Why, it's the three of clubs. And what's that written on it?" She turned it to show the Guard Captain. Written in red marker were the words 'Get Out'. "I believe this is indeed your card."

"You're going to regret this when that mare steals the shoes off your hooves," Shining Armor declared, as he stormed towards the exit. He nodded to Twilight and Gilda as he passed them. "Excuse me, ladies."

Twilight watched him leave, and gave Gilda a smirk.

"I take it you two are the assistants Miss Lulamoon told me about?" the mare said, once Shining Armor had left.

"That's us," Gilda confirmed.

"Pleasure to meet you, Miss...?" Twilight asked, offering a hoof.

"Pinstripe." Twilight should have been able to guess that. "It is unfortunately my job to deal with the prima donnas that come here. I trust that Miss Lulamoon hasn't sent you to complain that she needs some special muffins for her breakfast, or massages backstage, or..." Pinstripe sighed, closing her eyes as if fearing the next answer. "'Special considerations' with ladies of reasonably-priced moral character?"

"No, we're just here to act as security," Twilight said, opting for honesty. "She hired us to make sure no accidents happen to her. Hopefully not to anypony else, of course, but they're not paying us."

Pinstripe gave her a long look. Twilight started to sweat.

"I suppose," Pinstripe said, eventually. "At least you seem more trustworthy than that Guard Captain. I think he is one pauldron short of field plate, if you get my meaning."

"Why's that?" Twilight asked, her smile fading. Part of her wanted to defend her brother.

"He thinks some thief is going to try and sneak in," Pinstripe rolled her eyes. "I don't even know why she'd bother."

"I can't imagine," Twilight agreed. "So, Trixie has some concerns about the security around here and the accidents..."

"Naturally," Pinstripe sighed. "Tell me she isn't buying into the rumor about Pepper's Ghost."

"Pepper's Ghost?" Gilda asked.

"During one of the first ECM gatherings there was an accident involving an escape artist that... failed to escape," Pinstripe said. "She was named Ghost Pepper, though on stage they called her Pepper's Ghost for her ability to seemingly walk through walls. A cunning trick, though it fell apart from a wide viewing angle. There are always accidents, especially before a major performance. After her untimely passing, it became a trend for performers to blame these accidents on Pepper's Ghost."

"Well, the ghost of Ghost Pepper, who was known as Pepper's Ghost," Twilight said.

"Correct," Pinstripe said. "Really, I think Miss Lulamoon is being paranoid, but if it makes her feel better you're free to look at anything you wish, as long as you don't mind an escort to ensure you aren't here to cause the accidents you say you wish to prevent."

"I wouldn't mind that at all," Twilight said. "Especially if it's a beautiful mare like you."

"Flattery stopped working on me two coltfriends ago," Pinstripe said. "Now, if you'll follow me..."

The Scallop was a nightmare for anypony trying to do security, but it was masterfully constructed if one was a thief. Years of serving as a stage for magicians both during the Equestrian Championship of Magic and the regular stage shows that went on during the spring and summer meant that it was riddled with trapdoors, hidden mechanisms, and abandoned props.

"We stopped investing in locks years ago," Pinstripe noted, as they went through a security door that Twilight could have picked by sneezing on it. "With so many escape artists coming through, it seemed rather pointless. Bad locks weren't worth the trouble to open and stayed closed, good ones were picked almost as soon as they were installed. It became, as you might imagine, more secure to use locks that they wouldn't open just for fun."

"Where's this lead?" Gilda asked, tapping a talon on a trap door.

"The undercroft," Pinstripe said. "Sort of a basement that runs under the stage. Mostly for maintenance use, though we haven't cleaned it in decades and there's a considerable amount of junk stored down there as well. We stopped throwing anything out after we accidentally sold the wrong prop and revealed the method behind one of Miss Surprise's better routines. She wasn't terribly upset, but it rather spoiled the fun for her fans."

"I can imagine," Twilight said. "Magic shows are only entertaining if you don't know how it's done."

"It does lose its charm when it merely becomes criticizing skill," Pinstripe agreed. "Would you like to go into the undercroft?"

"I'll stay up here," Gilda said. "I don't really like tight underground places." What she really meant was, she didn't like being anywhere she couldn't make an easy escape from.

"I wouldn't mind seeing it," Twilight said. She also didn't like being anywhere she couldn't get away from, but unlike Gilda she could teleport short distances, including upwards.

"As you will. I'll have one of the stagehands escort you. I don't like being down there myself if I can help it - the dust bothers me - and I have paperwork to attend to."

"...Sulfur and bat guano?" Maud asked, watching Trixie.

"Alchemy, if done properly, is a useful way of creating props," Trixie explained. "Disappearing ink, flash paper, fireworks, that kind of thing."

"You could do all that with magic." Maud gave Trixie a blank look. To be fair, most of Maud's looks were blank. However, this was the kind of blank that meant she didn't understand, rather than the blank look of somepony who's just looking five minutes into the future and seeing your corpse.

"The most important thing about being a stage magician is knowing when not to use magic," Trixie explained. "Magic has rules. Telekinesis works this way, lightning works that way, and so forth. What impresses ponies is when you do something and it breaks those rules."

"Like... taking coal and turning it into a ruby instead of a diamond?" Maud asked.

"Either one would be a wonderful trick on stage," Trixie said.

"It's not that hard. It just takes time and pressure. We did it on the farm before things got bad."

Trixie stopped what she was doing and looked over her shoulder at Maud, who was staring into space, getting lost in thought.

"If you fell in with Twilight Sparkle, that's a good indication that things have gotten bad," Trixie said, carefully. "No offense. She's one of my oldest friends, but she's hardly a pony you can consider a good influence."

"No, she... did me a favor. I didn't like my previous line of work. This is better."

"Rock farming was worse than this?"

"No. Not rock farming. I... took care of problems."

"Oh, right. You mentioned that you sort of did the opposite of the bodyguard thing." Trixie looked uncomfortable. "So you don't do that anymore, do you?"

Maud's gaze snapped to Trixie, and she stood up, walking towards her with firm steps. Trixie shrunk back a step, and Maud lunged.

Trixie screamed, shielding her face as Maud shoved her to the ground. The window broke behind her, and a flaming crossbow bolt hit the small alchemy lab she'd set up in the hotel room. Maud stood over her, protecting her as something exploded, sending broken glass and sparks across the room.

"We need to leave," Maud said. Trixie nodded and grabbed her hat from the desk just before a second bolt could hit it.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie knows how to make an exit," Trixie said. She pulled her cape over them like a blanket, and there was a moment of darkness. When she removed it, with her usual flourish, they were standing in an alleyway across the street.

"...How did you do that?" Maud asked.

"Magic, of course," Trixie said. She smiled until she saw Maud's back. "You- you're hurt!"

"Hm?" Maud asked, glancing at herself. Shards of glass had pierced her skin in a few places, and blood was starting to seep into her dress. "Oh. I didn't feel it before." She took a wobbling step and fell against Trixie.

"We need to get you to the hospital," Trixie said, holding the sturdy pony up.

Maud shook her head. "It looks worse than it is. We have to find Twilight. This is more than just somepony trying to win a contest. They want you dead."

Author's Notes:

Yes, Trixie is quite successful here. She's really a great showpony when given half a chance - even in canon she draws a crowd with no problem at all, even in a town she formerly enslaved. Of course she also rubs some ponies the wrong way...

Prestidigitation Part Two! - Mind Over Magic

"There was no sign of anypony on the roof across the street," Gilda said, when she sat down at the table. "There also weren't signs of trash, dirt, animals..."

"Someone dropped a cleaning spell?" Twilight asked. Gilda nodded. "So it's probably a unicorn. Can't be Black Tie, since he's an earth pony."

"He could have hired a unicorn," Maud said. Her dress was gone and had been replaced with bandages. Trixie kept looking at her, guiltily. "A good unicorn wouldn't even need a crossbow. I saw one throw knives with telekinesis so hard that they went through rock."

"Not a lot of unicorns that are that good," Twilight noted. "It's more likely that it's a pony with a crossbow."

"Not a lot of unicorns are that good, but there are a lot of them in town right now for the competition," Trixie noted. "There are only seven actual competitors, but more come to watch the show."

"Of the seven competitors, two are pegasi, one is an earth pony, three are unicorns, and one is a Yak," Twilight said. "For the record, I don't think it's the Yak. He hasn't even been in the country for a year."

"It's got to be Black Tie," Trixie said. "The accidents follow his competition around like a curse."

"Maybe we should go talk to him," Gilda said. "Let him know that we're onto his game. He already made a move, we need to respond to it." She slammed a talon into the table, rattling the cups. "You don't win at Battleclouds by refusing to take a shot!"

"I'm not going to use the same tactics he is," Trixie said. "I want to win fairly."

"Not all problems can be solved fairly," Twilight shrugged. "Some things are simple and straightforward like a hammer, but if you wanna open a bottle of wine, you gotta be as twisty as a corkscrew."

"I have an idea," Maud said. Eyes turned to her.

"This is a terrible idea," Twilight groaned.

"Stay still so we can put in the mane extensions!" Trixie snapped. "And you have to learn to act like me."

"I'm a master of disguise, you know," Twilight protested. "I have a certificate!"

"You bought the certificate from a con artist," Gilda said. She leaned against the wall, watching as Trixie tried to make Twilight look less like a rogue and more like a showmare.

"And then I stole the money back," Twilight retorted. "So I came out ahead. Besides, Groomsby gave me a lot of great mustache tips."

"You have to admit it's a solid plan," Trixie said. "If you're taking my place, you'll be the target of whatever evil plans and curses they have. It'll be easier to see it coming if you're the target."

"That's what I'm worried about," Twilight said. "I'm really not looking forward to having a target painted on my flank."

"It's a magic wand, not a target," Trixie noted. She followed it up with a quick slap as she applied the false cutie marks to Twilight's flanks. They wouldn't last more than a day (considerably less if they got wet) but they were good enough to fool even a trained eye at a fairly short distance. Having a cape over them helped to hide any small defects.

"I'm surprised you had those ready to go," Gilda said.

"I did a disappearing and reappearing trick once that required I be in two places at once," Trixie explained. "The easiest option was for me to have my beautiful assistant be my twin for the night."

"Too bad you've only got Twilight instead of a beautiful assistant," Gilda quipped, smirking. Twilight glared at her until the expression was smothered by a hat being put on her head.

"Be careful with those," Trixie said. "A magician's cape and hat are expensive and very difficult to replace. They have to be custom made, and it's expensive to make sure the tailor doesn't reveal the secrets."

"Does this hat have a flask in it?" Twilight asked, reaching up and touching the tip with a hoof.

"Yes. I'd appreciate if you refilled it with decent gin if you're going to be drinking from it," Trixie said. "I've removed most of the other little features so you don't have to worry about flash paper going off. The cape's lining can be detached and allow it to expand to several times its apparent size, and there's a hidden pocket in the collar."

"With hoofcuff keys in it, I see," Twilight noted.

"Yes. Now, the most important thing will be to sell the act." Trixie huffed. "I trust you can manage to act like me?"

"The Agile and Clever Twilight Sparkle can sell any act!" Twilight declared. "She will amaze you with her ability to pretend to be Trixie!"

"Close enough," Trixie sighed.

Shining Armor walked down the street. A small crowd had gathered, watching something. There was a burst of magical light and sound and Shining Armor's first thought was that he was witnessing a fight. He pushed through to the front of the crowd.

"Is this your card?" Asked a mare in a hat and cape standing behind a table. She smiled at the foal standing in front of her. The colt shook his head.

"No, Miss Trixie," the colt said. "That's the seven of diamonds."

"Really?" Trixie looked at the card. "But then what's that in your saddlebags?"

"My saddlebags?" The colt reached in and blinked in surprise, taking out a card. "The three of clubs?"

"Is that your card?" Trixie asked, smirking. It was a very familiar smirk.

"How did you do that?" The colt held the card out, and Trixie took it, shuffling it back into the deck she held and putting it on the table she'd set up on the street.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is the greatest magician in all of Equestria," Trixie said. She tapped her horn. "And she did all that without even having to use magic."

Shining Armor considered what to say. He'd gone to all the trouble of pushing his way to the front, and his instinct as a Royal Guard demanded that he say something to justify his presence.

"What's all this, then?" He asked. The Sergeant who had trained him would have been proud of his dedication to tradition.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is putting on a small show," Trixie explained.

"Weren't you involved with that suspicious fire in the boarding house?" Shining Armor frowned. "Not to mention all of the other things that I should arrest you for?"

"Trixie reminds you that nothing was ever proven in a court of law," Trixie said. She put three cards out on the table, the deck to the side. With a wave of her hoof she flipped them over. "Perhaps you'd like to play a game?"

"What are the stakes?" Shining Armor asked.

"Trixie would love to take your money, but gambling is sadly illegal in this city. Instead, find the Princess and Trixie will answer a question. If you don't, Trixie will ask you a question."

"Or I could drag you by your ear to the local guard post and make you tell me everything," Shining Armor countered.

"You could drag me there," Trixie agreed. "And Trixie would say nothing, and you would have to let her go after a few hours where both of us would be annoyed and inconvenienced." She flipped the cards back over and mixed them up. "Or you can play Trixie's game."

"Fine," Shining Armor grumbled. He pointed to a card and Trixie flipped it over, revealing a stylized version of Celestia.

"Very good," Trixie smiled. "Ask Trixie anything."

"Did you start the fire in the boarding house?"

"Trixie was attacked. A careful investigator would find the remains of a crossbow bolt among her alchemy set. It was on fire when it came through the window."

"Then why didn't you report the attack to the Guard?" Shining Armor demanded.

"One Princess, one question," Trixie retorted, shuffling them again. Shining Armor watched her hooves carefully and pointed at a card.

"The three of clubs. Why is the captain of the guard here in the city?"

"That's an easy one. I'm here to catch Twilight Sparkle. She's here to try and steal something, I can just feel it in my bones! It's got to be connected to the magic contest!"

"The one with free admission."

"Right."

"And no prize money."

"That's the one."

"What would she even steal?" Trixie asked, raising an eyebrow. "Disappearing flowers?" She produced a white rose from thin air and stuck it behind Shining Armor's ear.

"I don't know," Shining Armor admitted, frowning. "Maybe she's just in it to make sure one of her old friends wins. There've been accusations of foul play for years."

Trixie shuffled the cards in front of her. Shining Armor flipped one open at random, holding his breath. He'd sworn the cards had actually gone through each other in her hooves, she'd moved them so quickly.

Celestia's face smiled up at him.

"Right, so, why didn't you report the attack to the Guard?" Shining Armor said, relaxing.

"I didn't feel like it," Trixie said.

"That's not an answer."

"Fine, if you really must know..." Trixie hesitated. "I'm competing in the competition in a few days. If I get involved in a police investigation, or put into protective custody, or anything like that, I might be disqualified, or worse."

"Worse?" Shining Armor asked.

"I might end up dead in a cell," Trixie patiently explained. "No offense, but a lot of the locals are about as sharp as a sack of hammers. Not like you, of course, Captain. You're an example to all of us."

"I can make sure you're protected," Shining Armor whispered.

Trixie patted his cheek. "I know you'd try. How about one more round?" She reshuffled the cards.

Shining Armor glared and pointed at a card. She flipped it over and revealed a joker. There hadn't even been a joker in them before.

"Sorry, Captain. I guess you're only breaking even on luck today."

"Well, what's your question? You must have one with the way you're stacking the cards. Find the Princess has never been a fair game."

"Oh, well," Trixie smiled crookedly. "I think I'll save it for later. Call it an IOU for an answer?"

Something about that smile gave Shining Armor pause. It reminded him of a smile he'd seen before, many times. He was about to say something regarding it when he spotted the motion in the corner of his eye.

He pushed Trixie back with his magic just as the sword came down on the table. Cards, many of them cleanly bisected, fountained into the air.

"Talk about cutting the deck!" Trixie yelped. The crowd screamed and started trampling over each other to get away, the ones closest to the table running fastest, or at least trying to, on account of being nearest to a large sharp thing. Unfortunately, there was a slower-moving crowd between them and safety, and this resulted in a lot of pushing and shoving and a general lack of quick progress.

"Stop right-" Shining Armor looked at the end of the sword. Not the sharp end, the other one, where traditionally there was somepony holding it. There was nothing there. For a moment he thought it had just been thrown, until the blade rose back up into the air, without a magic aura around it.

"What kind of mess has Trixie gotten herself into this time?" Trixie muttered.

"How is it doing that?" Shining Armor asked.

"Does Trixie look like she's an expert in magic?"

There was a significant pause.

"Okay, yes, Trixie concedes that she looks like an expert in magic."

Shining Armor blocked the sword as it swung at Trixie, the edge scraping along his shield. He had an eye for weapons, and he could immediately tell two things - first, this wasn't really a practical sword. It was too big and heavy and stylized in the fashion of curved Saddle Arabian blades. It was meant to be impressive and showy and had a gilded hilt that would never stand up in a real fight.

It was also, he noted, as sharp as a razor.

"Hah! Trixie has figured out the trick!" Trixie fired a blast of magic through the place where a pony would be standing if they were holding a sword. "Never mind! Not an invisible swordspony!" She screamed and ducked as a horizontal slash almost took her head off her shoulders and instead took the tip off of her hat. Gin splashed to the ground.

"Not an invisible swordpony, no magic aura... Aha!" Shining Armor picked up the fallen table and threw it above the sword, intending to catch the invisible wires holding it up. What he discovered, as the table went through the air without hitting anything, was that there were in fact no invisible wires. "Well now I'm out of ideas too."

"Trixie has one idea left."

"I'd love to hear it," Shining Armor said.

"It's a disappearing act." She tipped what remained of her hat and vanished in a burst of pink teleportation.

Shining Armor looked nervously at the sword. It twitched in the air, then flipped around and flew back over the heads of the still-escaping crowd, dipping into an alleyway and disappearing from sight.

"You ruined my hat," Trixie noted. "The competition is tonight, Twilight! What if I need a backup hat?! I'm due to be on stage in an hour!"

"I almost got killed!" Twilight protested, as she threw what was left of the hat on the floor. "So much for you all covering me. I have no idea how they did it! There was no visible aura on the sword, no wires holding it up, and no invisible pony using it."

"I couldn't do anything with Shining Armor there," Gilda muttered.

"A phantom sword," Trixie considered. "Outside, with so many ponies around, there aren't a lot of ways to manipulate it, at least not with that kind of strength."

"How would you do it?" Maud asked.

"Me? Outside like that?" Trixie paced for a few moments. "I'd use a fake table that was designed to break in half and the sword would just be an illusion."

"It wasn't an illusion," Twilight said. "The thing almost gave me a very close manecut! So close it goes all the way through my neck!"

"If I needed to use it as a weapon, I'd... have to use magic. It can't be done otherwise." Trixie kept pacing. "You can disguise that you're casting a spell, wear a hat over your horn like I do and don't use enough magic that you shine right through the material. A come-to-life spell would just make the sword hop on the ground or slither like a metal snake, it couldn't make it fly."

"What about, um, that gravity reversing spell?" Gilda asked. "The one you use all the time, Twilight."

"It'd fly, sure," Twilight snorted. "Right into the sky and you'd never see it again. Had to be telekinesis. Really strong telekinesis, too, but it couldn't be, because there wasn't an aura."

"What if..." Maud hesitated. Eyes turned to look. Maud never hesitated. "Wat if there was an aura, but you just couldn't see it?"

Black Tie adjusted his tie. It ended up a little crooked. When he looked away, it straightened, apparently by itself. He didn't notice. He wasn't a terribly perceptive pony, in some ways. He had the same blind spot a lot of successful but not very introspective ponies had - he attributed anything good happening to his own skill.

"How do I look?" Black Tie asked.

"Wonderful as always," Pinstripe said, blushing. She opened the door for him. He didn't notice that she didn't have to touch it, or that the knob turned on its own. "I'm glad you've decided to perform here more often."

"Well, this stage is good luck," Black Tie noted. "Whenever I'm here everything just seems to go right. Maybe it's Pepper's Ghost."

"Ghosts aren't real," Pinstripe said, quietly, frowning.

"An aura you can't see?" Gilda asked.

"A magical aura could be any color, right?" Maud asked.

"In theory, though there are some shades that are more common than others," Trixie said. "Blue, pink, and yellow tend to be the most common, in that order."

"On the farm, sometimes we'd use these special lamps to identify rock," Maud said. "They had black bulbs and they didn't look like they were making much light at all, but-"

"-but they'd make some types of rock glow or change color, right?" Twilight asked. "That's because of the ultraviolet light. The lamp was actually really bright but... we couldn't see it because we can't see ultraviolet."

"If something's glowing in a color you can't see, that's the same as not glowing at all," Maud said.

"We've been thinking about this all wrong," Twilight said. "Black Tie - he's no unicorn, he can't be doing all of this, but... Trixie, you said you saw him in Las Pegasus and he was only okay. But here he's good enough to win a competition of judges who are basing things on skill alone."

"Of course."

"Would you say that if he had magical assistance - magical assistance that the judges couldn't see - he'd be much improved?"

"Any magician who had an invisible aura would be astoundingly successful," Trixie said. "You'd have carte blanche to cast as many spells as you wanted!"

"And he didn't have that edge in Las Pegasus, when you saw him. That means it's somepony here. You know the old psychopath test? A mare meets a stallion at her mother's funeral and falls for him, but doesn't get a chance to get his name or number. A few days later she kills her own sister. Why?"

"...Because if he showed up for her mother's funeral he might show up for her sister's," Gilda said, slowly.

"And if a stallion that you fancy wins at a magic competition, he's going to show up next year to defend his title," Trixie whispered. "So somepony gives him some help to make sure he wins. Then he keeps winning, but they can't catch his eye."

"Another competitor?" Twilight asked.

"No," Trixie shook her head. "Black Tie is the only one who was here for every year he was the winner. I checked that angle myself. The only other ponies that have been here every year were..."

"The staff," Twilight finished.

"I'm going to win again, I can just feel it," Black Tie said. "Lady Luck is on my side!"

"If you do win, we should go somewhere to celebrate," Pinstripe suggested.

"Capital idea," Black Tie nodded. "I'll invite everyone. I wouldn't trade a trick with an amateur, but I've got good competition this year. Especially that Trixie Lulamoon. I've gone to a few of her shows and I'm still not sure how she did a few of the tricks. I wonder if she'd be interested in a partnership..."

"A partnership?" Pinstripe asked, her voice fragile. Black Tie didn't notice.

"Put on a few shows together, trade tricks, that sort of thing. There are a few routines that I've wanted to do, but you need a good partner for it."

"You know, I'm actually quite skilled myself," Pinstripe noted.

"Well, of course, you see the back end of it. The mechanics and such. Comes with working with all these props, right?" Black Tie shrugged. "Trixie is something special, though. Real charisma. Honestly I just can't see you doing magic."

"Not many can," Pinstripe growled.

"What's going on right now?" Twilight asked, as she walked next to Trixie backstage. There was a lot of noise and ponies running around.

"Opening acts," Trixie said. "Comedians, amateur local magicians, that kind of thing. They'll start calling up the competitors soon."

"They need opening acts for a magic show?" Twilight blinked in surprise.

"It's the event of the year, Twilight," Trixie explained. "What the Grand Galloping Gala is to fops and old money, the Equestrian Championships of Magic is for illusionists and entertainers. Even being an opening act ensures that you'll find a patron in the coming year."

"Twilight," Maud said, quietly. "Why aren't we just staying in the dressing room?"

"If the pony is a member of the staff, they've had days to plan whatever they want," Twilight replied, leaning closer to Maud so she could whisper. "It's safer to be out here where they'll have to improvise. Gilda is watching from the rafters to give us some early warning."

"I have a bad feeling about this," Maud said.

"Trixie just has to keep things together until she's on stage," Trixie whispered.

"Watch out!" Gilda's voice hissed from Twilight's earring. Twilight pushed Trixie to the side just as a light fell from above, smashing to the ground. Stagehands jumped in surprise.

"Was that you?" Twilight asked.

"No. But I saw it. Twilight, the damn thing tore free of the rigging on its own. I didn't see any magic at all!"

"I saw something," Maud noted. "Everypony was surprised when it fell. Everypony except her." She pointed.

Pinstripe glared at them.

"I think we found our saboteur," Twilight said.

"I think we're in trouble," Trixie hissed. "We're surrounded by things she could kill us with, and we won't see it coming."

"I'm taking the shot," Gilda whispered. From above, there was a faint twang. A bolt stopped in midair a few inches from Pinstripe's head. She didn't even look at it. It dropped to the ground at her hooves.

"Did she catch it, or was it a shield?" Twilight asked.

"What does that matter?" Trixie asked. There was a groan as a crate scraped along the ground for a moment before being propelled at Trixie's head. Maud caught it with both hooves, the momentum sending her skidding back into Trixie.

"We need to end this quickly," Maud said. "Bodyguarding is much harder than assassination."

"If we attack her it's going to look like we're the ones in the wrong!" Trixie pointed out. "As far as other ponies are concerned, she's just standing there looking at us!"

"You're right," Twilight agreed. "We're on her territory. Time to change that." She ran for an exit. Any exit. There were many of them, half unmarked. As she'd found out on her first visit, the place was like a sieve.

A pile of luggage fell down in front of them, blocking the path.

"This way!" Twilight yelled, going for a different door. As soon as she touched the doorknob it slammed shut in her face with enough force to make her fly back and land on her flank with a bloody nose.

"I don't think she wants us to leave," Trixie said. Pinstripe stalked closer, loose junk from the piles of props surrounding her in a storm of fake flowers, old hats, and false noses.

"Think you can give us another disappearing act?" Twilight asked.

"...No. I'm a showmare. I'm not going to run from the crowd, especially not during the big climax." She took a deep breath and stepped towards Pinstripe.

A knife floated into the air at Pinstripe's side. At this point, stagehands were watching the commotion, paralyzed with fear.

"What do you even want?" Trixie demanded. "Are you really this bent out of shape over a stallion?"

"We could have been perfect together!" Pinstripe snapped. "I'm the reason he keeps winning! But now he wants to partner up with you? You?! You're just some... second-rate sorceress!"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie graduated from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns," Trixie countered. "With very high marks."

"I helped!" Twilight put in.

"You probably cheated," Pinstripe growled, glaring.

"She totally did," Twilight agreed.

"You're not helping," Trixie muttered.

"I've tried for two decades to get ponies to recognize me!" Pinstripe yelled, tears starting to stream down her face. "I've learned spells, I've done so much work, and they all think it's just little tricks! Ponies think I can't even do magic just because they can't see it! I can't even keep a coltfriend! I thought Black Tie could understand, but he doesn't even notice I'm there!"

"Let's all calm down," Maud said, slowly.

Trixie glanced at the knife. It was a long slim, shiny blade with a thick handle wrapped in black. Pinstripe had to have grabbed it from the piles of props and crates lying around.

"If you kill me, you'll never get to be with him," Trixie said, quietly. "Do you really want to go to jail for nothing?"

"Shut up!" Pinstripe snapped, throwing the blade at Trixie. It hit her chest, and the blade buried itself up to the hilt. Trixie fell over, clutching the knife, and curled up around it.

Maud ran over, leaning down and checking on her. Her ears twitched. She looked up.

"She's dead," Maud said, flatly.

Pinstripe started laughing, and the floating debris in the air rained down around her. The laughter quickly turned to tears, and she ran away in a sobbing mess.

"She's gone," Maud noted.

"Finally," Trixie muttered. She stood up and brushed herself off, unhurt. "Thankfully she got the knife out of a prop bin." She produced the blade and tossed it to Twilight.

Twilight pushed the blade against her hoof. The blunt metal slid smoothly into the hilt on a spring.

"This thing looks like a toy," Twilight snorted.

"With the distance between an audience and the stage, all you need is a glint of silver and they'll believe it's real, as sharp as imagination itself." Trixie smiled.

Gilda's voice popped up again. "I have eyes on her. You want me to make sure she doesn't cause trouble ever again?"

"No," Twilight said. "Just alert a guard. Let's give my brother something so he doesn't go home empty-hooved."

"And the Great and Powerful Trixie needs to get ready," Trixie said. "It's almost her turn on stage, and the show must go on."

"I can't believe I lost!" Trixie groaned, her head down on the cafe table. "How did I lose to a yak?"

"The part of his act where he made the watermelon explode was exciting and dramatic, and putting it back together was very impressive," Maud stated, impassively. "I thought your trick where you set yourself on fire was better, though."

"Thank you," Trixie said. "I guess that counts for something."

"Shining Armor left for Canterlot this morning with Pinstripe," Twilight said. "And get this - Black Tie went with them. I guess he finally noticed her."

"If she ever gets out of prison she'll be a big hit on stage," Gilda said. "He could barely even shuffle a deck of cards without her help. Poor guy had gotten so used to having unseen helpers that he forgot how to do things himself."

"Thank you for your help," Trixie said. "Even if I didn't win, at least I had a fair shot at it."

"There's always next year," Maud replied. "I'd like to see you perform again."

"You know, after all this nice stuff, I have an urge to steal something really valuable," Twilight said. "What do you think, Gilda?"

"I think I like the sound of that. Back to basics?"

"Yeah," Twilight smiled crookedly, looking down the street at a bank. "And I know just the thing."

Author's Notes:

You can't win 'em all, even if you're Trixie.

With all this action I think for the next episode we need something a little more romantic...

Love Boat Part One! - Making Waves

"Ponies often compare the military or school to prison," Princess Celestia said, as she looked over the troops drilling on the castle's training grounds. "Do you know what the point of prison is, Shining Armor?"

"It's to punish the guilty," he said, answering promptly.

"Not quite," Celestia shook her head.

"Then it's to protect the innocent from dangerous elements," he tried, feeling unsure.

"It isn't that, either. Punishment has to be a part of it to remind them that actions have consequences, but it's not the whole of the thing. Protecting the innocent is much closer to the truth - they're locked away until they learn how to contribute to society instead of taking away from it." Celestia watched them for a while. "Prison is a place where bad ponies are reformed and helped to become good ponies. Most of them aren't really bad to begin with, but are victims of circumstance and poor decisions. For them, prison is a place where they don't have to fight for food or a warm place to sleep, and they're helped back onto their hooves once their sentences are over."

"What about ponies who choose to be bad?" Shining Armor asked. "The ones who already have everything and think they need more, or hurt others just because they like it?"

"You mean ponies like your sister?" Celestia asked. Shining Armor blushed. "I think given different circumstances she would have been a force for great good in Equestria. Even now, I follow her exploits with great interest."

"You do?" Shining Armor blinked. "But she's just a criminal. You've got more important things to worry about."

"As do you," Celestia noted. "Yet you have an entire wall of your office devoted to tracking her movements and exploits."

"She's my sister. That makes it my responsibility."

"I am... very familiar with that sentiment," Celestia looked up. For a moment, she looked old. Not in the way that a pony looked old, but old like the mountains or the sea, old in a way that said they'd keep on being old well after you were gone. An unbroken like from the distant past to the distant future.

"I want you to take a vacation," Celestia said, suddenly. Shining Armor felt his train of thought jump tracks trying to keep up with her. "I've already arranged things with your significant other. You'll be going on a cruise. It's my treat." She smiled brightly, as if her expression was fueled by his growing dismay.

"I can't go on a vacation now!" Shining Armor protested. "There's too much I have to do!"

"Having too much to do is exactly why you're going on vacation," Celestia replied, happily.

"Princess, you know I can't just-"

"She was very excited to hear that you'll be going on a trip together," Celestia continued. "I would hate to disappoint her."

Shining Armor sighed. He was smart enough to know when he wasn't going to win an argument. "I'm sure we'll have a great time."

"Of course you will. Pack for warm weather. Don't let me detain you."

"Rarity? Rarity Belle?" Asked Fancy Pants. The purple-maned mare turned to him in surprise and smiled.

"I didn't expect to see you here," Rarity said. She shook his hoof in greeting and looked at the mare accompanying him. "And Fleur, you're looking as radiant as always, darling. How have both of you been?"

"Quite well," Fancy Pants said. "But I have to admit I'm curious - this is a cruise for couples. Did some fine stallion manage to snag your heart?"

"W-well," Rarity coughed nervously. "It's not quite that."

"Hey, Rarara!" her partner yelled, as she trotted over. The purple unicorn leaned into her and held up a plate of hors d'oeuvres. Her clothing was very recently tailored, her makeup and hair done up just so. "They've got an open bar and these great artichoke squares at the buffet table!"

Rarity sighed. "This is my... fiancee, Dusk Shine."

"The Hearts and Hooves Day Cruise is fairly typical as far as these events go," Rarity said. "Expensive tickets, couples only, and largely an excuse for the wealthy to mingle and drink to excess where the press can't see them. Of course not all"

"Couples only?" Gilda frowned. "I'm not sure if you've noticed, Rarity, but we're all just friends here."

"I could ask Trixie if she wants to go," Maud said, quietly.

"Hm?" Gilda asked, not having heard her.

"Nothing," Maud said, quickly.

"I was gifted tickets by an anonymous fan of my work," Rarity noted. "I know that there's one pony here who won't mind pretending to be my beau for a week." She looked significantly at Twilight. "Darling, would you go on a romantic cruise with me so we can steal a lot of money?"

"Oh Rarity," Twilight swooned. "I'd go on a romantic cruise with you even if there wasn't money involved."

"Wonderful," Rarity smiled. "Of course, I couldn't use your real name. Ponies know who I am and I can't be associated with a rogue like you in public. For the duration of the cruise, you'll have to go by the name Dusk Shine. We'll need to give you a makeover as well."

"Why do I need a makeover?" Twilight asked.

"Darling, it needs to be believable that I'd be married to you," Rarity said. "That manecut? And that outfit?" She raised an eyebrow. "I have standards, Twilight."

Twilight tried not to touch her mane. Rarity had used so much product that she felt like she was wearing a glossy, floral-scented helmet. Part of her was sure that if she got too close to any of the romantic candles around the room, she'd go up in a ball of flames.

At least she'd be a well-dressed ball of flames, though. Rarity was almost as good at making formalwear as she was at making sure that rich ponies who met her went away somewhat poorer.

"So what's the plan?" Twilight asked, quietly, as she followed Rarity outside to the deck of the ship. "If we're just going to make nice and meet people, it seems like a waste of expensive tickets. The wine isn't bad, though."

"You've got no taste for it," Rarity said. "The wine is rubbish. This is far too sweet and there's a bite to it that says it was on the verge of going to vinegar." She looked out over the waves. "It's an open secret that Prince Blueblood is going to propose to somepony, though for some reason it's been difficult to find out whom."

"How hard could it be?" Twilight asked. "It's not like he's a restrained and subtle pony."

"I know!" Rarity groaned, frustrated. "The worst part is I can't seem to escape him. He ends up at all of my shows, every garden party I attend, and I swear I even saw him at my little sister's chorus recital."

"Why would he be there?"

"I'm not sure if he was. It might have just been one of the other stallions in town. I think I just have Blueblood on the brain, as it were."

"That sounds like a serious medical condition," Twilight said. "But I know the cure. Vitamin Twilight Sparkle, delivered orally~"

Rarity put her face in her hooves. "Darling, you have the worst pickup lines."

"Are they working?"

"If they worked, they wouldn't be the worst." Rarity scoffed. "The point is, Blueblood is going to propose with a ring that once belonged to Princess Platinum herself. It should be in a museum, but I'll settle for selling it on the black market."

"You're going to ruin someone's marriage proposal?" Twilight raised her eyebrows, surprised.

"It doesn't count if it's Blueblood," Rarity said, scowling at the waves. She tossed her glass of wine overboard. "I consider ruining his night a bonus. Besides, it's easy money, darling."

"I'm so glad I finally got you away from that uniform," Cadance said, happily. "You look so much better in a suit. And out of it." She was a Princess, so she didn't say it suggestively, or wiggle her eyebrows, or give Shining Armor a knowing look. She just implied that she could be doing all of those things in a subtle way that made it even stronger than if she had actually been doing them.

"I guess I really did need a vacation," Shining Armor admitted. "It's been a long while since I took any time off. I didn't even know what to do with myself this morning. I didn't have any paperwork to fill out!"

"You're lucky I had some ideas," Cadance said. She nodded to a pony as they walked past. "It's just good that it hadn't been so long that you forgot how it all worked- oh! Look, they have canapes with tomatoes and cheese!"

Shining Armor followed her. He loved Cadance, he really did. It wasn't that he tried to spend time away from her, it was just that both of them put the good of Equestria before their own personal needs. He chased after Twilight and spent almost all his time in Canterlot getting caught up on the paperwork he should have been doing while he was in hot pursuit. Cadance was an ambassador, which meant she spent half of the year out of the country. He couldn't afford to spend a month in Saddle Arabia doing essentially nothing.

Sometimes he worried that it wasn't enough. Cadance was always around pleasant, diplomatic ponies (and other people, though he wasn't very worried about the minotaurs or diamond dogs in this particular way) and he was always... somewhere else. Part of him said that she deserved better, but he wasn't sure what to do.

Cadance didn't seem worried about it, but she was also very diplomatic. She might not want to bring anything up, and Shining Armor wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know the truth.

"I think they're called mini-pizzas," Shining Armor said, instead of voicing even a fraction of his concerns.

"No, dear, when they're sophisticated, they're canapes. Even if they're pizza." She winked at him. "Say, did you see Bluey anywhere?"

"Prince Blueblood?" Shining Armor scanned the room. "I haven't been looking. Why?"

"I don't want to miss the big moment! He's going to propose to somepony, but no one seems to know who." Cadance sat down and tapped her chin, looking over the crowd. "A lot of these ponies are married, so we can eliminate them. I don't even recall seeing a single mare or stallion anywhere except for the crew."

"You think it might be a crew member?" Shining Armor asked.

"It's... unlikely," Cadance said, eventually. "This is his first time on this cruise, and he has a personal yacht. If he has been dating a member of the crew, he must have met them somewhere else."

"I didn't even think he was dating."

"I didn't think so either," Cadance admitted. "I don't know how I could have missed it."

"Excuse me, Miss Rarity Belle?" Rarity turned, surprised that anypony had come to see her on the ship's deck. Prince Blueblood was there, with... a small smile, something she wasn't used to seeing on his face.

"Ah, Blueblood, I had heard a rumor that you were going to be on this cruise," Rarity said, smiling and polite and as fake as glass pretending to be a diamond. Just like glass cut to look like a gem, she could glimmer and glitter even more than the real thing because she was trying harder.

"Indeed," Blueblood said. "It occurred to me that getting away from the press for anything romantic was practically a requirement at my social level." He chuckled a little "Well, our social level."

"I know the feeling," Rarity said. "It takes all the fun out of gossip when it becomes public knowledge."

"Yes," Blueblood said. "And then there's the way that they capture everything with just the facts. My father used to go fishing and would tell us about the size of the fish he caught - and of course, released. They were typically somewhat larger than his boat, though the big fish all seemed to go away after cameras followed him around everywhere."

"Well, darling, that's because a story is always better when it's embellished," Rarity said. "A white dress is just a dress unless it's on a pony who's getting married. Then it's a beautiful work of clean design and form."

"Speaking of that sort of thing," Blueblood started, hesitating.

"I am open to new clients, especially for important events," Rarity supplied. Blueblood shook his head.

"It's not that. I... blast it, I practiced this part in my head." He sighed and knelt down, digging around in his pocket until he produced a box. "Miss Rarity Belle, would you do me the honor of agreeing to marry me?"

Rarity's eyes went wide. She suddenly noticed that they weren't quite alone. There were a great number of ponies watching, from what must have seemed to them to be a cautious, stealthy distance.

She heard Twilight's breath catch. So did hers, once Blueblood opened the box and revealed the platinum ring of Princess Platinum, crowned with a rare blue diamond.

Rarity had never felt so exposed.

"I..." She started. She felt faint. She nodded. Blueblood stood up, sweeping her off her hooves and kissing her. Rarity was distantly aware of ponies clapping somewhere in the distance.

The thing about glass pretending it's a diamond is that, above all, it's still quite fragile and susceptible to sudden shocks. Rarity slipped away into a dead faint, unfortunately without the benefit of having her lounge nearby.

Cadance watched the happy crowd help Blueblood's new fiancee to her feet and they led the two off, forming a tight knot of happy wishes and questions about the upcoming wedding. A mare stood well to the side of it all, looking as sour as a lemon that was as sour as two lemons.

"Dear," Cadance said, looking at Shining Armor. "Why don't you go give Blueblood our best wishes?"

"Oh, uh..." Shining Armor hesitated. "Alright."

"I'll catch up to you a little later." She pecked his cheek. "I've got some girl things to take care of."

"You're not going to propose to anypony without telling me first?" Shining Armor joked. Cadance giggled and swatted him with her tail, sending him on his way before walking quietly over to the lone mare, not that she had to be too careful - all eyes were on Blueblood right now.

"I see not everypony is quite as happy as Bluey," Cadance ventured. "Before they all ran off, I heard some confusion, since apparently Rarity Belle already arrived with a date."

"Yeah," the mare muttered. Cadance looked at her more closely and narrowed her eyes. She leaned in to whisper.

"Sunshine sunshine, ladybugs awake..."

"Clap your hooves and give a little shake," the mare said, the distraction making her answer on autopilot. Her ears immediately flattened as soon as she realized what she'd done.

"Twilight S-" Cadance gasped, before a hoof covered her mouth.

"Not so loud!" Twilight hissed. Cadance nodded and let Twilight drag her away.

"What are you doing here?" Cadance asked. "You're one of the most wanted mares in Equestria!"

"Only one of the most wanted?" Twilight joked. "I guess that makes sense. Seems like Rarity is the most wanted right now."

"I haven't seen you since..." She stopped. "Well, probably two days ago in the reports Shining Armor brought back to the suite. But it's been much longer since I saw you in person."

"Yeah, it's hard for a criminal to make time to speak with a Princess," Twilight admitted, smiling crookedly.

Cadance hugged her. "I wish it was under better circumstances. If it was anything else I'd be so happy that you were safe, but..."

"Not really a great night, I know," Twilight sighed. "Shouldn't you be yelling for the guard?"

"You've had a rough enough time already," Cadance said. "So you and Rarity Belle? That's quite an odd combination. How did you even meet?"

"That's a long story. Oddly, Blueblood was involved in that, too," Twilight snorted. "But I don't really want to talk about it. So who's your lucky stallion? Or mare. Obviously I don't judge."

"I... think that's a topic best avoided if you don't already know," Cadance said, cautiously. "I want to make you feel better, not talk about my own love life."

"It'd be easier if I had a few more drinks," Twilight said.

"Twilight, please," Cadance admonished. "You say that like there aren't at least three bars on this ship. I bet the one near the pool is empty right now."

Rarity was dazed. How could something go so right and so wrong at the same time? She wanted to get her hooves on the ring. It was currently adorning her horn. She wanted to ruin Blueblood's proposal. Instead she had, in what was increasingly seeming like a fever dream, agreed to marry him.

What she needed was for Twilight to come in, grab the ring - no, scratch that, grab her and the ring - and escape the ship using some kind of clever trick involving sea turtles.

She looked in vain for the lavender mare and instead found herself looking at another large, white stallion, and one she wanted to see even less than Blueblood.

"Rarity Belle, right?" Shining Armor said, smiling. "Cadance wanted me to wish you and Blueblood the best. She'll probably want to tell you in person at some point, but she doesn't like interrupting other ponies' special moments."

"O-of course," Rarity agreed. Why was Shining Armor here? He'd spot Twilight in seconds even if her disguise wasn't just a new hairstyle and a dress! Things were rapidly going from bad and confusing to worse and labyrinthine.

Twilight slammed back another shot of tequila, chasing it up with a bite into a salted lime. Cadance copied her, licking her lips afterwards.

"And that's really how they drink it in Burrexico?" Cadance asked.

"Yep!" Twilight said. "Not much worth stealing there, but it's a good place to hide out. I spent a week there enjoying the sights. Great food, too."

"So..." Cadance wiggled on her barstool. "Do you wanna-"

"I've been chasing her for years!" Twilight groaned, putting her head down on the bar. "Gilda says I'm an idiot and that I should give up on it."

"It takes dedication to chase a pony for years. If you were her date, you must have gotten somewhere, at least, right?" Cadance asked.

"I thought that, but I've thought it before," Twilight sighed. "It's hard to tell if she's teasing or serious. She keeps saying no, or screwing me over, but then she comes out of nowhere and saves my flank."

"That sounds like a complicated relationship," Cadance said. "Who's Gilda? One of your other friends?"

"She's-" Twilight hesitated. "Promise me you won't repeat anything to anypony else, especially not if they have a badge."

"I swear as your old foalsitter and the Princess of Love that I won't tell a soul." Cadance put her hoof over her heart.

"Gilda is my partner." She saw Cadance's look. "Partner in crime, Cadance. Not the other way. And I think she's got a thing going on with one of the Wonderbolts anyway."

"Ooh!" Cadance giggled. "You're lucky you made me promise. That's some premium gossip."

"Exactly," Twilight replied. "Anyway, the thing is... Rarity and I have known each other for a long time. It was even before I left Canterlot. Remember Blueblood's big birthday thing where Celestia's gift to him went missing?"

"That was you?" Cadance asked.

"The quills are still stashed somewhere safe," Twilight said. "I could have sold them, but..." She shrugged. "I didn't need the money, and they seemed too precious to just hawk for a few bits, you know?"

"I didn't know you were sentimental."

"Money's just a way of keeping score. You stop caring about it after a while." Twilight poured another shot of tequila for herself. They were alone in the bar, thanks to a quiet request for privacy from Cadance.

"So what is it that you like about her?" Cadance took the bottle and poured a shot for herself.

"She's smart. And more than that, she's cunning, like a fox that went to Canterlot University and got tenure as the Chair of Being Clever." Twilight downed her shot. "I mean, I know she plays me." She coughed a little. "But I put up with it because I like her, you know? And she'd never try to hurt me."

"Except for tonight," Cadance said. "So I guess that means you two are... over?"

"I don't even know what to think," Twilight mumbled. "I mean, this whole thing was just a con to begin with." She poured herself a third shot, then followed it with a fourth. "This was supposed to be a quick, easy job. Spend time with Rarara, eat the food, drink the tequila, steal a few things, have a good time." She sighed and put the bottle down. "Looks like I'm gonna manage to do at least one of those."

"Twilight," Cadance sighed. "I'm sorry things aren't working out with Rarity. But maybe it's for the best, you know? You'll meet some stallion or mare or griffon or zebra that really completes you. And heists might not even be involved."

"Plenty of fish in the sea, huh?" Twilight asked, weakly.

"The problem with that is that it's kinda rude to ponies," Cadance said. "Sure, there are other mares out there - and they're not Rarity. Saying that she's just a fish in the sea makes it sound like she's not special, but everypony's special in their own way. People say 'there're plenty of fish in the sea' like you can just replace someone you lost, but you can't. You'll fall in love again, but it won't be in the same way."

"It just sucks, you know?" Twilight said. "It was nice being able to hear Rarity call me her fiancee, even if it was only an act."

"Would you settle down with her, give up a life of crime?" Cadance asked.

"Are you kidding?" Twilight laughed, leaning back in her stool. "You've got no idea what she's really like! She's probably stolen even more than I have. She just makes sure nopony ever knows she was involved."

"But she's a fashion designer," Cadance said. "She makes more money than most of the nobility, legitimately. She doesn't need to steal anything."

"Yeah, and she's also a mare who sees gold and thinks to herself 'I need to find a way to put that in my parlor.' Rarity could never resist an easy score."

"And now she's engaged to Blueblood," Cadance said.

"She's very romantic," Twilight muttered. "How could she resist being swept off her hooves by a prince? If I was a Princess I bet there'd be a heck of a lot less teasing on her part and a lot more romantic dinners and picking out wedding presents."

"Unfortunately there's no Princess of Crime," Cadance joked.

"No, really more of an Empress or a Queen thing," Twilight agreed. "Maybe Supreme Overlord, but that sounds like they wouldn't get their own hooves dirty."

"You don't seem much like a Supreme Overlord," Cadance agreed.

"But I do look good in a crown!" Twilight adjusted the tiara on her head. Cadance touched her suddenly bare head.

"How did you-" Cadance snatched her tiara back. "You can't just take things from ponies when they're wearing them!"

"Evidence suggests that I totally can," Twilight countered, smirking. Cadance sighed and shook her head.

"You know, Twilight, you could... settle down, stop being a criminal, maybe find something safer to do, like lion taming or extreme sneezing." Cadance reached over to touch her shoulder. "It'd be a lot easier to set you up with somepony."

"Please, you sound just like my brother," Twilight scoffed.

"Speaking of your brother, he's back at the party, but maybe you two-"

"Shining Armor is onboard?!" Twilight stood up, knocking her barstool over and starting to panic. "I need to get the heck outta here! Can you do me a favor and throw me overboard in a barrel? I'm sure I'll float back to shore at some point."

"Twilight, calm down," Cadance said. Long experience as a foalsitter meant she was well aware that Twilight was on the edge of either screaming or crying. "I'm not going to tell him you're here."

"You won't?"

"He's on vacation, not on duty," Cadance replied, calmly. "If he knows you're here, I won't be able to get him to relax. I promise I won't tell him, and it's in my best interest anyway."

"It is?" Twilight frowned. "Hey, come to think of it, he must be here with a date!"

"That would seem to be the case," Cadance agreed.

"I just need to figure out who it is. Maybe if he has a marefriend he'll stop chasing after me so much and I can get some real thievery going. There's this bank in Stalliongrad I keep meaning to break into." Twilight rubbed her chin. "But who does he even know... aside from you and me, I didn't think he knew any mares."

"There... aren't a lot in the Royal Guard," Cadance sighed. The truth was going to come out.

"And you're here," Twilight noted, slowly.

"That's right," Cadance braced herself.

"Which makes sense, of course, with this being a Hearts and Hooves day thing and you being the Princess of Love. Makes the whole thing more official. I just hope you can get a date some time." She patted Cadance on the shoulder. "I mean Shiny's been hitting it up with some mystery chick for a while now, but I never see you with anyone except him and your personal guards."

Cadance groaned and poured herself another shot.

"Don't worry," Twilight said. "I'm sure you'll find somepony too. Hey, maybe we should give dating a try." She winked.

Cadance groaned, put the shot glass to the side, and just went for the bottle.

Rarity eventually found herself alone with Blueblood, the platinum ring around her horn. It felt like a lead weight, despite being such a small thing. It wasn't like she was really betraying Twilight - getting the ring itself was a non-issue now, and they just needed to get their heads together and figure out a way to get it off the ship and end her 'relationship' with Blueblood.

Part of felt unfathomably guilty at sitting with the Prince and eating a quiet meal, though. It was silly, of course. As she'd repeatedly reminded Twilight, she wasn't interested in a relationship with the erratic rogue. It certainly wasn't like she was cheating on her.

"How is the eggplant, my dear?" Blueblood asked.

"Quite delectable," Rarity said. "My compliments to the chef. The last time I had eggplant parmesan, the eggplant was cut so thinly that all you could taste was breading."

"Mm." Blueblood noted, nodding. "Typically done to disguise the quality of the ingredients."

Rarity raised an eyebrow. It was more insightful than she'd expected from the prince. She disguised her hesitation with another bite of the food, trying to think of her next move. She could make small talk for hours, but at some point it was going to turn to speaking of... the event looming over her, and that weight on her horn. As she'd learned many times, it was better to attack than defend.

"I'm curious, Prince Blueblood - why me? There must be any number of mares practically throwing themselves at your hooves."

"You're attractive, intelligent, and successful," Blueblood said. It almost sounded like he was reading from a script he'd prepared. "I'm always attracted to mares with assets in the right places."

"Of course," Rarity agreed. She didn't usually disagree with compliments. Something about the way he said it made her want to disagree, though. There was a faint sensation of slime every time he spoke, and it wasn't because of his faint lisp.

Twilight stumbled back to her cabin. There were ponies outside of it, carrying bags out of the room. Rarity's luggage. Her ears folded back at the thought. She was going to be alone. It wasn't that strange, but the circumstances made it feel like she was losing something important.

Then she saw her battered black bag being taking away.

"Hey!" She snapped, yelling down the corridor. "That's mine!"

"M-ma'am, we were instructed to take all of Lady Rarity's luggage-"

"That's my bag," Twilight growled. She tore it from his hooves. "Do you know where we are right now?"

"We're on a boat, ma'am."

"That's right," Twilight said. "And where's the boat?"

"On the ocean?" The swabbie ventured.

"In international waters," Twilight specified, her eyes narrowed. "Somepony told me once that they weren't entirely sure if it would even be a crime if they murdered somepony in international waters. I'm almost in a mood to find out if that's true. Are you?"

"No, ma'am!" Yelled the young stallion.

"Then GO AWAY!" Twilight yelled, managing a good impression of how Gilda roared when she was really annoyed. The busboys turned tail and ran, taking Rarity's bags with them. Twilight clutched her bag for a moment then trotted inside, seething.

"Stealing Rarity away from me, almost taking my bag..." Twilight grit her teeth, slamming the door behind her and locking the deadbolt to keep the busboys out. "I'm not just some pony. I'm gonna get her back, and he's gonna regret ever getting between me and what I want!"

She tossed her bag to the side and slumped onto the bed, fumbling for a pen and paper.

"But first, I need a plan..." She yawned. The tequila was really getting to her. After a few minutes, with nothing written on her checklist except 'come up with a plan', she completely passed out, dead to the world.

Rarity turned the handle on the door. It was locked. That wasn't surprising. She pulled out her key and turned the lock, trying again. The handled turned, and the deadbolt stopped her. That was more annoying. If she had her tools, she could pick the lock, but perhaps it was a good sign. It meant Twilight was inside.

"Twilight, darling, could you open the door?" Rarity asked. When there wasn't an immediate answer, she followed it up with "We need to talk."

It was the universal declaration that something was deeply wrong, and it wasn't a surprise that Twilight didn't open the door after that bomb was dropped. Rarity sighed and sat down, looking around to make sure they were alone for this relatively private conversation.

"I want to apologize. Things haven't quite gone as we planned." Rarity leaned against the cold metal of the door. Or was it a hatch? She wasn't quite sure which was the right word. Twilight would have known. "I got caught up in the moment, especially with that ring right in front of me."

She paused and listened for some kind of reply. It seemed Twilight was going to make her do all the talking for now.

"Every little filly wants to grow up and become a Princess, you know?" Rarity offered. "I won't have wings, but I'll have the title, and that's nearly as good. Of course, I'd probably have to give up a life of... excitement."

She looked down at her hooves.

"Twilight, this is when you're supposed to open the door and tell me that I'm being stupid!" She hesitated. "Are you really that mad at me? I mean, I know you say you're attracted to me, but you say that to a lot of mares, and you're never serious about it."

The room beyond the door remained stubbornly silent, no matter how hard Rarity listened for hoofsteps coming to open it and let her inside.

"We weren't really engaged, Twilight. It was just a con. An act, darling. I mean, we're not right for each other. I can't be seen with you in public, not with you being Equestria's most wanted mare." She huffed and rubbed at her eyes.

"You could at least say something," Rarity mumbled. "He's not even as bad as I remembered. Blueblood is making an honest attempt to be nice to me and... I find myself sorely tempted. A title like that is something I could never steal, you understand?"

She stood up.

"Fine, you can be mad at me." She hung her head. "I'm sorry, Twilight."

Rarity walked away, feeling more blue than white.

Author's Notes:

Drama! Romance! Princesses! Will these star-crossed (and in Twilight's case, star-flanked) lovers resolve their differences, or will Rarity be sentenced to a life of fame, fortune, and comfort? Wait, is that really so bad?

Love Boat Part Two! - Reception

Twilight tossed a card down onto the table sullenly. She hadn't been lucky with anything since losing Rarity.

"Raise you three," Gilda said, pushing a few bits into the center of the table. Twilight looked at the cards in her hoof. She could barely focus on them, the numbers and symbols swimming in her eyes. She knew that it wasn't good enough, though.

"I fold," Twilight said, throwing her cards down. "You're a terrible dealer, Gilda. I haven't won a single hand."

"You're barely even playing," Gilda retorted. "What, you can't bluff your way out of only having a pair of threes? I remember you used to be able to pull a win even when the cards you were holding were from a completely different deck." The griffon shook her head and took the cards, shuffling them a few times.

"My heart's just not in it, these days," Twilight sighed. She grabbed the bottle on the table and took a long drag, or at least tried. She glanced at it. Empty.

"You mean Rarity isn't in it," Gilda corrected. "You gotta let it go, dweeb. Find some other mare to steal all your bits. Heck, even Maud's been seeing Trixie on the side."

"She has?" Twilight blinked.

"You know she has," Gilda rolled her eyes. "Otherwise we couldn't be talking about it."

Before Twilight could figure out what that meant, there was a knock on the door. Gilda got up and walked over, tossing the cards onto the table to land in a messy pile.

"Must be the pizza," she said, unlocking it. "Took them long enough - they're not getting a feathering tip for being this late-" Before she could pull it open, the door swung in with force, hitting her hard enough to send her flying into a chair, breaking the cheap, half-rotten wood. Royal guards piled in, pinning her down.

"Gilda!" Twilight gasped, getting up. Her reactions were slow, like she was moving through molasses.

"Run, you idiot!" Gilda yelled. Twilight teleported past the window, dropping down into the dark street below. Spotlights burst into light, focused on her, the flare so bright that it stopped her in her tracks, blinded and pinned in place by surprise.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" Yelled a very familiar voice. As her eyes adjusted to the glare, she made out Shining Armor standing behind a barricade a dozen paces away. She also saw the score of ponies with crossbows leveled at her.

"W-what in Tartarus-" Twilight whispered.

"You don't have anywhere to run, Twilight!" Shining Armor yelled. "You either come peacefully or we can do things the hard way! I'm done chasing you around!"

"You're really going to shoot me if I don't give up? I'm your sister!"

"Ready," Shining Armor ordered. "Aim..."

Twilight teleported again, though her magic was already strained. She'd had to teach herself teleportation, and getting any kind of distance from the spell took a lot of effort, and two teleports, one after another, was like doing a hundred yard dash and then being forced to run it again without a break. She ended up a block over, and stumbled as she ended up a few paces above the ground, her aim thrown by lack of preparation and panic. There was a safe house not too far from here. If she just got there without being followed, she could hide until things blew over, then rescue Gilda, then figure out what to do next. Leave the country?

She threw a quick spell to make sure she wasn't being looked at, then ducked through a doorway. Inside, there was a bare, abandoned room, with dust and cobwebs over everything. She went to the back and pulled open a secret door hidden in the brickwork, revealing a back room stocked with enough canned food and bottled water to keep a few ponies going for a couple of weeks.

"I wondered how long it would take you to get here," Rarity said, when Twilight walked in. She was sitting in one of the chairs, stroking a white cat. "You really do need to decorate, darling. The charm is cute, though, replacing the dust every time the door is closed."

"Rarity?" Twilight asked, cautiously.

"Princess Rarity," she corrected. "The title matters. The title was everything, as you'll remember."

"I remember," Twilight whispered.

"Which is exactly the problem, darling," Rarity continued. "You remember all sorts of things. As an example, you remember that I am not an honest mare. Since I'm rather keen on leaving that life behind, I need to tighten up a few loose ends."

"You told Shining Armor where me and Gilda were," Twilight said, frozen in place.

"Gilda and I," Rarity corrected. "He also apprehended Maud Pie and Trixie Lulamoon. Trixie will likely get off, assuming I can't plant evidence to ensure she doesn't. Maud, though... I'm afraid she's just so dangerous that they had to shoot to kill. A tragedy." Rarity smiled slightly.

Twilight felt the pit of her stomach drop to the floor. "You can't do this."

"It's surprisingly easy! I've arranged with the right ponies to make sure that Gilda resists arrest. She won't have a chance to tell anypony about what I've done."

"And you're telling me about all of this," Twilight said, her hooves still locked in place.

"Well, dear, I don't expect you to live long enough to do anything about it." She raised her hoof, holding a crossbow. "It's not something I could trust Shining Armor to do on his own, but I've never been afraid to get my hooves dirty - something that, soon, nopony will know about me."

"Please, Rarity," Twilight begged. "Don't do this! I love-"

The crossbow went off with a sharp twang, and everything went black.

Twilight woke up with a pounding headache. She groaned and rolled off her cot onto the deck of the ship. This did not help her headache, and a sudden bout of nausea that sent her running to the head, voiding everything inside her.

"I'm not gonna let that happen," Twilight said, between coughs. She grabbed a glass of water and cleaned out her mouth. "I'm gonna steal Rarity back if it's the last thing I do!"

"I'm very impressed," Rarity said, at breakfast. "He's been a perfect gentlecolt. Part of me expected him to be a lout." By mutual decision, she'd managed to get away from Blueblood for a bit to engage in the most important sport of the rich and famous - gossip. Not to say that those who weren't rich and famous didn't gossip, but they also generally had things to talk about that weren't trivial. Once you were rich enough, you could pay other people to worry about those things and focus your attention on being absolutely scandalized because the mare across the room was wearing cubic zirconica instead of diamond.

"Blueblood is always careful around those whom he is trying to impress," Noblesse Oblige said, waving for a waiter to get her a new glass of sangria, which was very much like wine with fruit in it but, unlike wine, totally acceptable to drink at breakfast. Rarity had managed half a dozen glasses already, and was starting to feel slightly better about her situation.

"And not terribly careful around those who he does not care about," Fleur said, shaking her head. "You and he must have been courting for some time, no? I am surprised you did not know this about him."

"I've barely spoken to him before," Rarity admitted. "I've only met him in passing, though he has been showing up quite often of late."

"So you are not... secret lovers?" Fleur asked.

"No," Rarity said, flatly. "Nor lovers of any sort. Not until the wedding night, anyway, I suppose. But that's hardly secret."

"So he's been polite to you," Princess Cadance cut in, all eyes turning to her. "And asked you to marry him when you barely know him."

"Well, yes, your highness," Rarity said.

Cadance tapped her chin. "That is a bit unusual, even for him."

"He said that he wanted to strike while the iron was hot, such as it is," Rarity said. "I believe he was afraid somepony else was going to make a move on me." She pursed her lips, leaving unsaid the fact that she had expected somepony else to make a move on her too.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you two should get to know each other," Cadance suggested. "Before you get married, that is. Rushing things can be a recipe for disaster."

"Of course, darling. I'm thinking a fall wedding, the end of summer at the latest. More than enough time to make arrangements for a royal wedding and get to know each other at the same time."

"You want to get married in three days?!" Rarity gasped.

"Of course," Blueblood said, raising an eyebrow. His tone indicated that he wasn't even sure why this was an issue. "We'll already have the best and brightest of Equestria's noble families here on the ship, and the Captain can perform the ceremony."

"But there's not nearly enough time! I need a dress, and we have to plan things-"

"Planning things is for lesser ponies," Blueblood explained. "I, and soon, you, are royalty. We just declare that we want something done, and it happens. Servants exist to make sure we don't have to consider the details."

"I suppose that's at least partly true, but you must understand, dear. I am a designer. I need to have a dress. A fabulous dress!"

Blueblood sighed. "Thankfully, I did anticipate that. I had my servants pack a few dresses. All of them were worn by royalty, so they should be to whatever standard you're imagining."

"That's very thoughtful," Rarity said, carefully. "But I want to design my own dress."

"We can come to a compromise," Blueblood said, after a moment of consideration. "When we return to Canterlot we'll need to have wedding photographs taken for the press, and a public reception. You'll have a few days to design a dress for that. As far as the public is concerned, they'll never see you in anything but the dress you want. In fact, we can even have a second ceremony. One private ceremony here on the boat to make it official, then another in the castle itself. I'm sure my aunt would be happy to preside over it."

"Your aunt- Princess Celestia?" Rarity felt herself starting to swoon.

"Exactly." Blueblood smiled.

"I... suppose that would be acceptable," Rarity admitted. "But why do we need to have a private ceremony here at all, then?"

"Because in business, it's important to do things quickly," Blueblood said. He trotted over to his desk and took out a scroll. "And a wedding, especially with nobility, is a very complicated business dealing."

"Well... yes," Rarity nodded slowly. "That was the original point of arranged marriages."

"Just so!" Blueblood smiled. "I am glad we are on the same page, Miss Belle. And of course, we have to be equally careful as we would with a business arrangement. I had my lawyers draft up a document for both of us to sign."

"A document?" Rarity asked, the dizzy feeling starting to fade and a suspicious part of her mind coming alive. She was a very experienced businessmare, and more to the point, she was a crook. She knew contracts, and was suspicious of anything requiring a signature.

"Of course. It concerns the transfer of titles and property. What it boils down to is that you will agree to marry me, and as long as certain conditions are met, both of us get what we want."

"What sort of conditions?" Rarity asked, her expression fixing in a frown.

"It specifies a minimum number of public appearances together per annum, at least one heir - though I am of course more open-minded than my father, so I don't care about the gender - and joint ownership of your assets. No need to worry about being faithful as long as the heir is genuine and your partners are clean."

"And what do I get out of this... arrangement?" Rarity asked, her voice chilly.

"You'll be a Princess," Blueblood said, as if that was all that mattered. "And you'll have the support of the crown in your endeavors and meetings with Princess Celestia herself. It's unusual that we would elevate somepony with no ancestral title at all, but it does play well in the press and having your assets would ensure that we don't have to liquidate any of my family holdings."

"Your holdings..." Rarity looked at the dresses. The old dresses. The ring on her horn. The antique ring. Blueblood's suit jacket and tie were of that timeless style that could have been a hundred years old and simply well-made. "You don't have any bloody money!" She snapped, her accent falling for a moment.

"Don't be like that," Blueblood cautioned her. "You're getting a lot out of this as well. A royal title, for example. You'll be even more successful once ponies realize they could be buying dresses designed by a Princess! You wanted summer homes, private yachts, jewelry? I've inherited all of those and more."

"But you can't afford anything new."

"The trick about being rich is that you can buy things that last long enough to see you through the lean years," Blueblood said. "Wine lasts centuries if stored well. A ten-bit suit lasts a few years and wears out. A hundred-bit suit will be worn by three generations."

"And then when the lean years come you find somepony rich and leech off of them?" Rarity asked, her voice low.

"Not just somepony rich," Blueblood corrected her, stepping closer and lifting up her chin with a hoof. "I've been watching you because I wanted to see what kind of pony you were. What I saw was a sophisticated pony who would fit in perfectly with the nobility if given a chance. Sign this-" He lifted the scroll with his magic. "And you've got a first-class ticket to the top of the social strata."

"And if I don't?"

"Then the wedding is off," Blueblood said, simply. "And I will be a gentlestallion about things and be very polite about it in public. Later, in private, I will make sure that nopony ever buys one of your dresses again. I apologize, but I won't take 'no' for an answer."

Rarity shook with rage, but said nothing.

"Take a few hours to think it over," Blueblood said, smiling and stepping back. "The scroll will be here when you're ready to sign it."

Rarity stormed out of the room. Blueblood adjusted his tie and poured himself a drink.

"I give her two hours before she comes to her senses," he said, looking down at his gin. "Then, she's mine."

"An honest pony would try talking to her," Twilight decided. "Maybe even challenge Blueblood to a duel for her honor. It'd be exactly like all those awful romance books she leaves lying around when we're lying low or waiting for a mark."

Twilight tapped her quill against the paper on her tiny desk in her cabin. A cruise ship like this didn't really have any bad cabins, per say, but it was certainly less well-appointed than Blueblood's. It was the kind of cabin that was only used for sleeping in, and as little as possible of that.

"Since I am not an honest pony, I won't do that," Twilight said. "What I'll do is, I'll disguise myself as Princess Cadance, then tell Rarity that Blueblood doesn't love her and that she should totally bang Twilight! Brilliant! I just need a good line..."

Twilight started scribbling up a more detailed plan when the door to the cabin opened.

"He doesn't love me and only wants me for my money!" Rarity wailed, as she dramatically entered and threw herself on the floor, not forgetting to dramatically close the door to keep anyone from dramatically listening.

Twilight looked down at her plan.

"That's not supposed to happen until step ten."

Rarity looked up at Twilight from where she'd thrown herself to the floor. "I am trying to have a moment, Twilight Sparkle! You're supposed to comfort me and tell me that everything will be okay!" She stood up and snatched the papers from Twilight's grasp. "What is this?"

"It's, um... a plan to..." Twilight hesitated.

"A plan to win me back?" Rarity asked, quietly as she looked at what Twilight had written. "This is... an awful plan. Where would you even get a hovercraft full of eels?"

"Well, um..." Twilight blushed. "I hadn't worked out all the kinks yet-"

Rarity hugged her. "I'm sorry, Twilight. I was an idiot for saying yes to Blueblood. He doesn't care about me."

"I do," Twilight said, quietly.

"I know," Rarity sighed. She pulled away and took the platinum ring off of her horn. "This isn't nearly as attractive now, not even with the title that comes with it."

Twilight took it from her and got down on her knees. Rarity's eyes went wide.

"Rarity Belle, will you do me the honor of being my partner in crime and help me humiliate Blueblood and take him for all he's worth?"

"Oh darling," Rarity said, smiling widely and blushing. "I thought you'd never ask."

"Cadance," whispered the waitress giving Cadance a mojito. "I need your help."

Cadance lifted up her sunglasses and looked at the purple maid, who had a false mustache on. Well, that or they kept a pet caterpillar on their upper lip.

"Twi-" Cadance stopped herself and looked at the lounge chair next to hers. Shining Armor was snoring. She waited a moment to make sure they were real snores (she could tell - sometimes he pretended to be asleep and did paperwork under the covers), then leaned over closer to Twilight.

"You need my help?" Cadance asked, quietly.

"To get Rarity away from Blueblood," Twilight specified.

Cadance sighed. "You know I can't do that. I'm the Princess of Love. I can't just go and break up a relationship. Oh, don't get me wrong." She held up a hoof. "I can see some of the problems a mile away. But I can't interfere in every relationship I have concerns about. Ponies need to be free to make mistakes and learn from them."

"Blueblood is using her for her money," Twilight said, flatly. "And he's blackmailing her. If she doesn't go along with it, he's going to ruin her reputation by bad-mouthing her to prospective clients."

Cadance took her sunglasses off entirely.

"Okay. You've got my attention."

"When you said you liked me for my assets, I thought you meant something else entirely," Rarity noted. "One of the double entendres that my friends are fond of, perhaps."

"No, I was quite literal," Blueblood said, pleasantly. It was amazing, the kind of things he could say while smiling and keeping a nice tone. "Though you aren't altogether bad looking. My accountants were starting to push me towards Lady Lucky Penny."

"Isn't she having her hundredth birthday this year?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, soon she'll be a whole Bit," Blueblood muttered.

"Were you going to blackmail her, too?"

"I'm not sure why you're making this difficult," Blueblood said.

"I'm not being as difficult as I could be," Rarity said. "We're having a nice dinner together in public. The privacy shield is a nice touch, as long as nopony can read lips." A thin, faintly glowing line encircled their table, muffling sounds going in or out of the area. Apparently Blueblood wasn't entirely useless with magic.

"You get more out of the arrangement than I do. You'll have a title, holdings, freedom to do whatever you want with your life. I don't care if you have lovers on the side, or some strange hobbies, or whatever little flaws you have. We might even learn to get along. My mother and father did. At the end they even loved each other."

"At the end," Rarity snorted. "That's a bit backwards, isn't it?"

"That's a matter of perspective. They spent their prime being able to indulge in whatever they wanted, and they were there for each other at the end. They fought like demons, of course, but friends do that."

"I don't fight with my friends."

"No?" Blueblood looked surprised. "They must be rather dull friendships."

"Oh, we have moments of excitement. Usually our energy is directed elsewhere."

"Ah," Blueblood's expression twisted into a smirk. "I understand. I have a few friends like that, myself."

"I doubt it," Rarity snorted. "They're unique people." She sighed and touched her earring. "Well, we might as well get this over with before dinner ends and we have to mingle and give ponies the news."

"You've come to your senses, have you?" Blueblood smiled.

"I'm willing to... discuss it," Rarity said, cautiously. "You want me to sign a contract, essentially, yes? I never sign a contract without going over the terms."

"Good," Blueblood nodded. "Now you're thinking with your head. The basic terms of the contract are that we'll share assets and accounts. There are expectations as to how many public appearances we put on per year, your first foal is required to be my heir, and so forth."

"I'm amazed a contract like that is legal."

"Nearly anything is as long as it's signed," Blueblood noted. "I'm told there's legal precedent for it that stretches back, well, as far as things stretch back."

"And if I decide not to marry you, despite this very generous offer of you taking half of my money in exchange for a title?"

"I think I've made that clear."

"Humor me, darling," Rarity said, elbow on the table. The slight rudeness distracted Blueblood for a moment.

"If you have a lapse in judgment and decide not to wed, then I will inform my many business associates that you are less than cooperative and that I would consider it a favor if they ceased any business with you." Blueblood picked up his wine, swirling the glass around. "I might not have a lot of liquid finance, but I do have a significant amount of capital on the favors I'm owed. You'd lose considerably more than half of your profits, I wager."

"Thank you," Rarity said. "You've made this much easier."

"A threat does that," Blueblood agreed.

"It certainly does," Cadance said, as she stepped into the privacy zone, dispelling it. The noise of the room had quieted to nothing, and all eyes were on Blueblood.

"Darling," Rarity said, touching her ear. "Did you know that you can enchant items, like, say, earrings, to transmit sound? It makes it easy to give directions to models on the runway, or in this case to let a few interested parties hear our discussion."

"I heard everything," Cadance sighed. "Bluey, I thought you were better than this."

"Nothing I said or did was illegal," Blueblood said, shrugging.

"Things can be wrong without being illegal," Cadance said. "I'm going to make sure that little threat of yours comes to nothing, even if I have to take it up with Celestia."

"It is simply how things are done, and while you might personally dislike it, there are plenty of ponies here who understand." Blueblood stood up. "I'll be taking my ring back."

"No, I think I'll be taking it," said a nondescript purple maid, taking off her false mustache to reveal that she had in fact been Twilight Sparkle all along, waiting for the right moment to strike!

Her magical aura overpowered Blueblood's as he tried to grab the platinum ring, and she quickly had it in hoof.

"Very nice. And it looks like I don't have to worry about feeling bad about taking somepony's wedding ring."

"Somepony stop her!" Blueblood yelled. The crowd in the room murmured but didn't make a move to assist him. "Useless... I'll have to take care of this myself, then." He frowned and huffed at the mass of ponies simply watching.

"Twilight! I'll get you, you criminal scum!" Shining Armor yelled, jumping onto a table.

"At least somepony here has common sense," Blueblood said, pleased. "Stop her and I'll put in a good word for you with my aunt."

"Looks like I need a beautiful hostage," Twilight said, pulling Rarity over with her magic, holding a wineglass over her head. "Nopony move or her mane will be ruined and it'll take three showers to get the wine out of her coat."

"You monster!" Rarity gasped.

"That's going too far, Twilight!" Shining Armor declared, keeping his distance.

Blueblood looked at them in disbelief. "It's a bloody glass of wine! Who cares?! It's not like it's a crossbow to her head!" Not that he would have particularly cared about that, either. "I order you to seize her!"

"You can't order me around," Shining Armor said. "I'm off duty."

"You- I-" Blueblood sputtered. "Do your job!"

"Off duty," Shining Armor repeated.

"Princess Celestia will be getting a full report about this!" Blueblood screamed, his face starting to turn purple with rage.

"And now we sneak away," Twilight whispered. She threw the glass of wine at Blueblood. Unfortunately, Shining Armor was just a fraction of a second too late, and the wine splashed onto Blueblood's face and jacket.

Rarity and Twilight took off, Twilight giggling.

"You could at least try to make it look like I'm a hostage," Rarity muttered. "There are going to be a lot of questions."

"Cadance will help with those. You'd be amazed at what ponies will believe when a Princess is telling them what happened." She stopped Rarity. "Here we go! This is our stop."

"A lifeboat?" Rarity asked, looking at it.

"Take a look in the supply chest."

Rarity hopped into the small boat. "Wine, crackers, cheese... and I notice our luggage is under this tarp."

"Always be prepared for a getaway," Twilight winked. "Might have accidentally grabbed a few extra bags from Blueblood's room."

"You think of everything," Rarity smiled. She leaned over the side of the lifeboat and pulled Twilight into a kiss.

Shining Armor watched from around the corner as the kiss ended, and Twilight got in the boat before lowering it to the calm ocean below.

"You're letting her get away that easily?" Cadance asked, surprised.

"I did mention I'm off duty, didn't I?" Shining Armor said.

"And it had nothing to do with the fact that she's obviously smitten with that mare?"

"I have no idea what you mean," Shining Armor said. "Anyway, these are international waters. Jurisdiction gets a little shaky out here, especially since I'm on vacation. It'd be pointless to arrest her and then have to let her go with a slap on the wrist because the paperwork didn't check out."

"Oh, of course," Cadance agreed.

"And I can't help but wonder just how much a certain Princess of Love helped with this little heist."

"You know, Shiny, Celestia told me something once." She smiled widely. "When the Princess does it, that means it's not illegal."

Twilight strained, and the top popped off of the bottle of champagne, flying out in an arc and landing in the waves. Rarity held out two tin cups, and Twilight poured for her.

"I have to admit this whole trip has been more stressful than I would have liked," Rarity said.

"There are a few ways to relieve the stress," Twilight said. "Drinking isn't a bad start, but I'm told there are some very effective massage techniques." She winked.

"And you're not worried about being interrupted?"

"Gilda and Maud have been trailing the cruise ship, but they're waiting for flares. It'll be a few hours before it's dark enough to use them."

"We should make the best of the time we have," Rarity said, slowly, looking over her shoulder and giving Twilight a come-hither look that would have made a stone blush.

"You mean, um-"

"Get that jacket off, darling, before I take if off with my teeth."

"Think we'll even get any screen time?" Gilda asked, relaxing in the sun on the deck of the small fishing boat she and Maud had borrowed.

"Probably not," Maud replied calmly, meditating in a circle of standing stones. A wave hit the boat, and several of them fell over. "...I don't like boats."

Author's Notes:

For reference, yes, Rarity did swipe all the good loot when they got back to shore. She left Twilight some of the clothing, though, to encourage her to expand her wardrobe.

Next time: Death, tension, and a surprise guest appearance from one of the fairest maidens in Equestria!

Fool's Gold Part One! - The Goat Coins

"We did it!" Twilight crowed, as the armored cart full of bits raced down the hill. Gilda smiled even as she struggled to maintain control of the runaway wagon. "There must be millions here!"

"Yeah, and with this much momentum we'll be out of town before we can stop!" Gilda swerved around a pedestrian, but the cart full of cabbages next to them wasn't as lucky, shattering into leaves and splinters as the armored vehicle went right through it. The earth pony they'd narrowly missed cried out in anguish, his life's work scattered across the street, figuratively and literally, like a bunch of cabbages in the street. It wasn't very poetic, but it was extremely accurate.

"Twilight, stop right there in the name of the law!" Shining Armor yelled, trying to catch up to them on hoof. He was already falling behind, and that only got worse as he stumbled on fallen produce.

"You remember the plan, right?" Twilight said. "Maud's waiting for us at the bridge to make there aren't any issues there, then she'll pull the cart all the way to Hollow Shades."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Gilda said. "But trying to steer this thing's like wrestling a minotaur!" She tugged the yoke as hard as she could, narrowly missing an old mare trying to cross the street. They scraped along a wall, knocking a few bricks loose and leaving half of the bank paintjob on the stone.

"I'm not worried about the paint job!" Twilight laughed. The armored cart hit a rise in the road fast enough to get some air, coming down hard enough that Twilight felt all of her bones very briefly remind her that they were present and could potentially break at any moment.

"Maybe we should slow down!" Gilda offered.

"No way!" Twilight retorted, knocking her talon away from the brakes and leaning into her, helping her steer. "We're almost clear!"

"Twiiiiliiight!" Shining Armor screamed in frustration, as the juggernaut went over the only bridge out of town, the boards shattering behind it, only escaping falling into the river thanks to speed, momentum, and an incredible amount of luck, leaving the guard stranded on the other side, shaking his hoof in the air.

A few hours later, in Hollow Shades, the only town in Equestria that was almost entirely populated by bat ponies, two ponies and a griffon were counting bits. Their hotel room had gold on every available surface, coins piled on chairs, tables, the beds, and even collecting in the corners of the cramped room like expensive, glittering dust. An armored carriage was concealed in back by a number of cunningly-placed branches and stones, though the effect was rather spoiled by the several-inch-deep ruts it had created in the soft soil. Gold was, after all, rather heavy.

"So, we'll split it evenly, put most of it in the usual hiding spots, and live like kings for a few years," Twilight said.

"Or at least until Rarity steals your share," Maud noted. Gilda snorted with laughter at the flat delivery.

"It's not stealing, we're in love," Twilight retorted.

"She loves you even more when you've got bits in your pocket," Gilda said, suppressing another laugh. She put on a fake accent. "Oh darling, is that your coinpurse or are you just happy to see me?"

Maud picked up one of the coins and frowned, narrowing her eyes. She brought it close to her mouth and licked it.

"Maud, that's disgusting. Who knows where that thing's been?" Twilight stuck out her tongue.

"This gold is fake," Maud said, after a long moment of scrutiny. "It looks like gold, but it isn't."

"That's impossible. It's not fool's gold or brass," Gilda said. She bit down hard on one of the bits, leaving a mark. "Look. It's too soft to be anything except gold."

"It's lead," Maud said. "It's hard to tell, but... it's definitely lead."

"That doesn't make any sense," Twilight said. She started scanning it with a few basic spells. "Seems like gold to... me." She frowned, then scanned two bits at once.

"What's wrong?" Gilda asked.

"It's showing as pure gold."

"That seems like the opposite of a problem," Gilda said, rolling her eyes.

"Gilda, bits aren't pure gold! They're only 12-carat!" Twilight pulled a few more from the sacks they'd gathered. "Endless Night! She's right. There's something really wrong here."

Maud snapped a bit in half, holding the broken edge up so the others could see. "Look." There was only a thin layer of gold that smoothly transitioned to the dull grey of lead.

"But it shows up as pure gold on magical scans, and looks like gold, and feels like gold..." Twilight whispered. "Oh no."

"Oh no what?" Gilda asked.

"I've heard of this before," Twilight said. "Turning lead into gold. The ultimate secret of alchemy."

"You can't turn lead into gold," Gilda frowned. "That's impossible. Even I know that."

"Then you haven't heard about the legend of the philosopher's stone," Twilight said. "The rumor is that alchemists discovered it centuries ago, a mystical substance that could change worthless lead into gold. I went looking for it once, but Zebrica was a dead end and I wasn't able to get anywhere on my other lead."

"Hm. Is that a pun?" Maud asked.

"A pun?"

"Lead, as in the metal, and lead, as in a clue. They're homographs."

"Yeah, but we're talking, Maud. They're not pronounced the same way." Gilda sighed and shook her head. "Don't try to crack jokes. I'm worried you'll hurt yourself trying."

"I suppose it only works in text," Maud agreed.

Ponies, and many of the dominant species in the world, had been herd animals before they developed language, magic, friendship, and spears. Historians disagreed on which of those had been first and which had been most important to the rise to the top (while being able to talk was critical to a civilization, it was hard to argue with spears, mostly because they got to the point quickly and in a very final way).

As herd animals, they tended to cluster in groups, and even now Equestria was less like a spread of civilization and more like points of light tenuously connected by roads. The importance of trade and capitalism was slowly taking hold even over the old herding instincts, though local cultures were still very strong and nopony could mistake, say, Manehattan for Stalliongrad.

Outside of Equestria, there were dozens of smaller city-states and countries that rarely had contact with the outside. One of these places was about two days out by boat, an island with high cliffs and higher walls around an ancient city.

"Baa Ram Ewe," Twilight said, as their small ship sputtered and putted, the engine having broken down three times already. It had been a fishing boat, and they'd done a lot of that on the way for lack of anything better to entertain themselves with on the trip. Twilight was starting to get very sick of the taste of fish.

"It's bigger than I expected," Gilda said, looking up. "What are those spots on the wall? They look like they're moving around."

"Goats," Twilight replied. "They can almost walk up walls. Absolutely no fear of heights and incredibly light on their hooves."

"That's a volcanic island," Maud said, quietly.

"Let me guess," Gilda said, coughing and dropping into a deadpan tone to mock Maud. "'I can tell from the rocks and having seen many igneous rocks in my time. Rocks.'"

"That and the plume of steam."

"Twilight, you really think this is where the fake bits came from?" Gilda asked. "From what I heard it's pretty old-fashioned."

"I've been trying to track down the philosopher's stone for years," Twilight said. "You wouldn't believe all the things I've heard about it. Everything from granting eternal life to turning ponies into alicorns to making geese lay golden eggs."

"And turning lead into gold," Gilda added.

"Yeah. Naturally I couldn't resist." Twilight smiled. "Either it's really expensive to do and you should just buy the gold to begin with, or it's cheap and you end up devaluing gold. I had to find out which."

"So what's the plan?" Maud asked.

"Sample the local cuisine, see the sights, have a little fun," Twilight said. "Maybe we'll even find time to do a little breaking and entering."

Somewhere relatively close as the crow, geese, or pegasus flies but extremely far away in other, more relevant ways that took the actual difficulty of the journey into account, a young pegasus was reading a book.

Briefly.

It was snatched from her hooves and examined by a stern-looking older goat, the pony meeping and pressing herself against the ground in fear at the sudden motion.

"A romance story?" The goat scoffed. She shook her head and shut the book. "Hardly the kind of thing you should be worried about."

"Sorry, Miss Grimm," the pegasus said, quietly, lowering her gaze and hiding behind her long mane.

"Do you know why I'm here?" Miss Grimm asked. She didn't give the pony any time to answer. "I'm here because Lord Rust is displeased. And he's displeased because yields are low." She waited for an answer, and when nothing was immediately forthcoming, continued. "I would like to know why, Fluttershy."

"I-I'm trying my best, Ma'am," Fluttershy whispered. "But they're so, so tired and they need to rest! No matter how much I-"

"I don't want excuses," Grimm cut in. "I want a solution. How are we going to improve the yields?"

Fluttershy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, gathering herself. "We need to let them rest," she squeaked. "For at least three months."
Grimm glowered at Fluttershy for a few moments. "I suppose that is at least possible. Lord Rust won't be happy about limited production for a few months, but I might be able to convince him."

"No production at all," Fluttershy corrected. "They're all so sick... They need to rest, and if they were able to get out into the sunlight and fly around-"

"That is completely unreasonable!" Grimm snapped. "Baa Ram Ewe depends on them. Three months without them would have dire consequences! And we can't allow them to fly - the escape risk is too high. You can have four months of half quotas. I don't think I'll be able to convince him of anything more than that."

"T-thank you," Fluttershy said, looking down. The book was thrown back at her, bouncing off her head. She didn't react, letting it fall to the floor.

"Tell them about the new quotas," Grimm said. "And note that if they aren't able to at least meet that, they might not get fed."

"This place is bizarre," Gilda said. She tugged at her dress. Twilight had made her wear a silk thing from Neighpon printed with flowers and the sunrise and stuff. She felt silly. They were riding on a tram built at an angle along the slope of the mountain, watching the tiered city go by outside. "Gardens on every rooftop, and they still all look underfed."

"They import a lot of food from Equestria," Twilight said. She was wearing her usual suit, with the hidden pockets stuffed full of the tools of the trade. "Almost the whole island is urban. Despite how many gardens they have, it's not enough to feed the population."

"The soil here is good though," Maud noted. She hadn't changed out of her simple outfit. The discussion about making her change had been short and nearly ended in Twilight needing medical attention. "Volcanic soil usually is."

"Great, maybe you can take some home with you," Gilda said. "I got a bad feeling about all this."

"There aren't a lot of visitors," Twilight said. "And they're terrified of predators. The island was originally founded by refugees after the griffons destroyed their ancestral homeland of Shepland."

"So I stick out like a sore talon. Great." Gilda sighed.

"We all do," Maud said. "There aren't ponies here either."

"It's fine," Twilight said. "Just remember our cover. I'm a rich pony looking to open up a route for trading tea and, it will be implied, possibly somewhat more interesting substances for the discerning consumer."

"Drugs, you mean," Gilda grumbled.

"I have never known an alchemist who wasn't either on drugs or making them," Twilight said. "If you want to meet the wrong sort of people you've got to have what they want or step on their hooves so they come out to threaten you."

"And I'm your bodyguard," Maud said.

"Right," Twilight nodded. "You fit the part perfectly. Just remember that most drug mules have bodyguards who are more of the 'shoot first and ask questions later' type."

"Look, Twilight," Gilda said. "I've got some concerns about my cover."

"It's a really great cover. They'll be too surprised to even question it!"

"Yeah, but... it's really not my thing. Maybe I can be the bodyguard and Maud can do my part?"

"Gilda," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "I want you to look at Maud. Do you really think she'd be better suited for it? Besides, we already got you a nice disguise, didn't we?"

"I'm sure this dress was expensive and all-"

"It wasn't," Maud noted.

"-Wait, this is a cheap dress?"

"Cost-effective!" Twilight corrected. "Just play along for a little while. Please?"

Before Gilda could protest more, the inclined tram stopped, and the doors slid open. A semi-circle of goats and sheep were waiting for them. Most of them had black wool. Twilight stepped out, and a goat stepped forwards.

"Dusk Shine, I presume," the goat said. She had the intonation and veiled hatred of a schoolmarm lecturing a poor student.

"Guilty as charmed," Twilight winked. "This is my bodyguard, Dirty Hooves," she nodded to Maud. "And my wife, Gilly." She took Gilda's talon in her hoof.

"...Your wife," the goat repeated, frowning.

"I like exotic women," Twilight winked. The goat rolled her eyes and huffed, her disdain of the supposed relationship clear, and in their eyes Gilda went from a threat that they'd watch closely to a bird of loose virtue whom they studiously would ignore entirely. Twilight, or Dusk Shine, was clearly just a lout and an idiot.

Just as planned.

"My name is Miss Grimm. I am taking you to Lord Rust. You will have one hour of his time." She turned and started walking. "If we are lucky, it will be considerably less."

Lord Rust was, as one might expect, a goat, and while he wasn't particularly intelligent, he was cunning in a sort of predatory way that a herd animal usually wasn't. The title was inherited from his father, who had died of natural causes - though for family members of Lord Rust, natural causes extended to falling on a knife several dozen times.

The palace was, as palaces tend to be, high over the city in what could generously be called prime real estate. However, this being a volcanic island, this also meant that the backyard was a steaming crater. Twilight couldn't see the caldera from here, but there was a pervasive smell of rotten eggs from the volcanic gas.

She, Gilda, and Maud had been taken to the Palace directly, and Twilight had to admit that she was impressed. She'd been to Canterlot palace a few times, and that was a kind of light, airy construction made of stone solid enough to withstand a siege. The castle in Baa Ram Ewe was more like a plantation house grown overlarge, with lots of open areas and glass walls and a sense that this was more of a resort than a fortress.

"I've never heard of you," Lord Rust said. "I don't like doing business with people I've never heard of."

"You've never heard of me because you're in the middle of nowhere," Twilight said, not drinking the tea he'd set out for them. It wasn't poisoned, just terrible. It managed the trick of being too weak and too bitter that usually meant the tea leaves had been reused. "Though I admit it's partly my father's fault. He didn't feel a need to expand the family business, nor did my grandfather, so while we have a number of important contracts, my name shows up in paperwork instead of on the lips of customers."

"And you're going to tell me that you're different and you want to find new markets," Lord Rust said, watching Twilight. His body language and expression said he was bored already, but his eyes had a dangerous fire in them. It made Twilight nervous. People with that expression could order dessert and murder with the same ease. Murder might even be easier, since it was lower in calories.

"New markets, new products, new ideas," Twilight nodded. "Tea is a pretty hardy little tree, but this isn't an ideal climate. Equestria alone consumes almost four pounds per capita per year, making it the largest market in the world."

"If you've already got a piece of that, why do you care about expanding here?" Rust watched Twilight closely. "Even a large share of this market would be nothing compared to a fraction of that."

"Because I've got a very small piece, and the margins on our sales aren't large either. We mostly sell leaves to the ready-made tea industry. Bottled and prepackaged stuff for ponies to drink on the go. Since we're not selling directly to consumers, we get profit on volume instead of individual sales."

"I see," Lord Rust said, contemplating his cup of tea.

"I feel like there could be a better market here for high-quality small-batch tea."

"We are not generally a tea-drinking people," Lord Rust said. He didn't really need to say that. The poor quality of what they'd been served had made the point for him.

"Things can change," Twilight said. "And if there are other diversions, well, we can make a profit there too. I have ships that import from Zebrica, Saddle Arabia, and places further away. The locals sometimes have very interesting vices."

"Do they?" Lord Rust said. His expression twisted into a smile as tight as garotte wire. "One might get the wrong impression that you were talking about illegal substances."

"That's an interesting discussion to have," Twilight said. "You're the ruler, after all. Perhaps you could tell me which things are frowned upon and which things are tolerated, perhaps with certain... import fees?"

"Mm. I see." Lord Rust stood up. "I think I understand you very well Miss... Dusk Shine, was it? I'll take some time to think about what you've said and I'll send one of my clerks along with the appropriate paperwork. If you'll excuse me, I have another meeting to attend to."

Rust stood up and nodded slightly to the sheep standing behind Twilight. A cloven hoof touched Twilight's shoulder, and she was quickly led back out the door she had come from.

Fluttershy waited in the corridor outside. She was finally going to have a chance to talk to Lord Rust about the aviary. She'd done the thing that all really nervous, introverted people do before a conversation and played it out in her head a dozen times.

In theory, this was to prepare herself for the way the conversation would go. In practice, things never went as planned. The best thing that could be said for it was that it gave Fluttershy something to think about while she was busy wallowing in dread that she'd have to talk to somepony (well, somegoat) important. She had never done well in trying to have a conversation with anyone that could actually talk back.

Guards walked past where she was waiting, escorting somepony - really somepony, the first pony she'd seen in almost a year - past the waiting area.

"Well hello there," the unicorn said, spotting Fluttershy. Fluttershy lowered her gaze to the floor, embarrassed that she'd been caught looking. "I didn't know Lord Rust was hiding a beautiful flower like this."

"Tw- Dusk Shine..." The griffon behind her hissed. "You can flirt when we're done."

"I'm just saying hello," the unicorn said, shooing the griffon.

Fluttershy nodded, her throat feeling like it was full of cotton.

"Do you work in the palace?" The unicorn asked, stepping closer. The sheep guards grumbled at the delay, very clearly indicating that they were supposed to be escorting her outside.

"S-sort of," Fluttershy whispered, finally finding her voice after a few attempts.

"Really? Maybe I should have you show me around next time. You'd certainly be a lot easier on the eyes than the uniforms." The unicorn winked and held out a hoof. "Dusk Shine. I sell tea and tea accessories."

"It's nice to meet you," Fluttershy replied. She chanced a look up at the unicorn's face, shaking her hoof carefully.

"What's your name? I wouldn't mind knowing your address and when you get off of work, either-"

"We need to go, dear," hissed the griffon, glaring at Dusk with a look that made Fluttershy's ears fold back, even though she wasn't on the receiving end of the expression. The bird put a talon on Dusk's shoulder and whispered in her ear. "No flirting with the staff."

"Ah, well, I suppose I should go before they drag me away," Dusk Shine said. She winked at Fluttershy again as she was marched away, the guards closing in to shuffle her along.

"Fluttershy!" Fluttershy yelled after them, her voice squeaking. "My name is... it's Fluttershy."

Dusk smiled and looked back at her, nodding before she was almost shoved through a door. Fluttershy blushed and scraped her hoof along the ground, the conversations with Rust that she'd been replaying in her head entirely forgotten.

Rust waited, looking at his weak tea and thinking, while Fluttershy was brought in from below. He didn't hate the girl, of course. She was quite useful, honest, and hadn't even tried to skim a profit for herself. There were a lot of people that would have felt bad about taking advantage of somepony like her.

Lord Rust mostly just felt annoyed that she only had one real vice, though at least it was a useful one. She loved taking care of animals, and so she could be threatened by proxy.

"Y-you wanted to see me, sir?" Fluttershy whispered. Lord Rust looked up. He hadn't heard her enter. She was astoundingly good at being quiet and unnoticed when she wanted. It was practically as good as invisibility.

"Ah, yes," Lord Rust said, gesturing to a seat. "I apologize. My mind was wandering. Could I get you something? I could have a quick brunch put together. Perhaps some oatmeal or a sandwich?"

"Oh, I couldn't impose, sir," Fluttershy said.

"Well, at least have some tea and biscuits. I'd feel bad if I didn't offer you something." He nodded for them to be brought over.

"Thank you, sir," Fluttershy whispered.

"You've done some wonderful work since we brought you here," Rust noted. "And it's been everything we said it would be, hasn't it? A warm climate, a chance to work with exotic animals, steady pay with room and board included..." He trailed off, his tone friendly but implying that any of these could be taken away at a moment's notice. Especially the part where pay was involved.

"Of course, sir," Fluttershy said. She bit her lip and continued after bracing herself for the worst. "It's just... you know the geese can't keep laying like this. It wears them out. If it's not stopped..." Fluttershy closed her eyes and stood up. It was clear she'd rehearsed this bit. "Then they'll die, and I won't just stand by and let you work them to death!"

Rust raised an eyebrow and watched Fluttershy. He was impressed. She almost never stood up for herself. He decided to say nothing and let her crumble under the pressure of her own anxiety.

"I-if that's okay," Fluttershy finished, her voice dropping to a whisper as she dropped into her chair.

"Do you know why we chose you?" Lord Rust asked Fluttershy. "There were other candidates for your position."

"N-no sir," Fluttershy whispered.

"It's because you can talk to the animals, and they can talk to you." Rust smiled and stood up, walking over to Fluttershy. "A lesser pony might not have known what the issue was, especially with such exotic creatures. Letting me know about concerns like that is your whole job, Miss Fluttershy. Thank you for letting me know."

"Oh," Fluttershy blushed, starting to relax. "So... I'm not in trouble?"

"It's better to prevent things now than try to fix them after they break," Rust said, happily. "I'm not an expert in animals, so I wouldn't know what to promise or give them. How about you come up with a short list, write it down, and I can see what we can do to get it in the budget?"

"Thank you sir!" Fluttershy said, standing up and smiling brightly. "I've already got some ideas-"

"I'd prefer to have it in writing," Lord Rust said, holding up a hoof. "It all has to get written down at some point, it might as well be by the expert, right?"

"Right," Fluttershy agreed. "I can include the reasons behind each request."

"Wonderful," Rust agreed, nodding.

"And maybe I can order them by how important they are?"

"That would be helpful," Rust said, leading her towards the door.

"I won't let you down!" Fluttershy said. Rust smiled and nodded and patted her on the back as she walked away, having promised exactly nothing. He closed the door and shook his head, walking back to his seat.

"Ponies," Rust huffed. "So self-assured. Miss Grimm?"

"Yes, Lord Rust?" Asked his seneschal, appearing behind him like she'd been there all along. It was a dangerous skill, and it was a mistake to think that a clipboard was any less deadly than a knife to a killed secretary.

"Tell me what you think of our guests, Miss Grimm."

"Miss Fluttershy, or your previous appointment?"

"The latter, please," Lord Rust said, looking at his tea again. "Miss Fluttershy is simple. You provide the stick, I provide the carrot, and things move forward."

"The paperwork I took from her checks out. She does seem to be whom she claims."

"I see. Even so, I think it would be best to handle this quietly. I'd like the problem dealt with."

"Yes, sir, understood," Miss Grimm said. "Tonight?"

"Please," Rust nodded. It was nice having an assistant who really did understand.

Author's Notes:

People who guessed Fluttershy, you were correct, please email me a stamp and a self-addressed envelope and I'll get some pizza rolls out to you.

This arc was originally the season finale, but I moved it to midseason after I came up with an even more dastardly crime for the ending~

Fool's Gold Part Two! - The Mare in the High Castle

"Why do you know so much about tea?" Gilda asked, once they'd gotten back to the cramped hotel room. It was just a little too small to be comfortable for three people, especially when one of those people was a griffon and twice the size of the average pony. "You don't even drink it. You always have coffee."

"I have a vested interest," Twilight said. "Look, I know usually Rarity steals all of my cash, right?"

"I don't think it counts as stealing if you don't even try to stop her," Maud said, quietly. "It's a gift at that point."

"Well when I do actually have bits, I like to take some and invest in something legitimate. It's better than the woods because you get interest and better than banks because there's less public paperwork." Twilight adjusted her jacket. "If Lord Rust looks into it, he'll find that one 'Dusk Shine' does in fact own a small tea-trading company, and if he's even smarter he'll find out that the ledgers don't add up at all. That's because I funnel some money from our heists into it, but because I implied that I'm involved in the black market, he'll assume I'm making a brisk but irregular trade in drugs."

"I never knew you owned a company," Gilda muttered.

"Come on, Gilda, you must have set something aside as a nest egg. Uh, so to speak." Twilight shrugged.

"Well... you remember that one thing I was putting money into?" Gilda asked cautiously.

"Yeah, some kind of investment firm. Non-traditional banking, I think. I didn't really read the pamphlets." Twilight sat on one of the beds, wincing as a stubborn, rusty spring prodded her flank.

"Okay, well, it turns out that the plan was that they'd give all the bits to a dragon, on the basis that dragons keep their gold safer than bank vaults." Gilda sighed. "Unfortunately, while dragons make it real simple to leave a deposit, the only thing they let you withdraw is fire."

"Why would you ever give your money to a dragon?" Twilight shook her head, disappointed.

"Twelve and a half percent interest isn't something to scoff at!" Gilda retorted. "If I ever figure out how to get my money back, I'll be a rich bird!"

"Something's wrong," Maud said. She stood up quickly, looking around, her ears twitching.

Twilight nodded to Gilda, and they quietly walked to the only door, each of them staying to one side. Gilda drew her crossbow, and Twilight prepared a quick spell.

These preparations did not help as much as they had hoped. The long, narrow window that looked down over the slope of the city towards the sea exploded inwards as three goats entered the room in the time-honored fashion of people who know that half of their job is surprise and the other half involves violence.

They were wearing some kind of black armor that covered their whole bodies, shimmering like fish scales when it caught the light. Goggles covered their eyes and ensured that they couldn't be mistaken as anything as harmless as 'people'. Hooves stepped on the fallen shards of glass without breaking it as they spread out, moving with almost total silence despite the heavy-looking gear.

"Dusk Shine, Baa Ram Ewe has sentenced you to die," the first one said, with a voice as dry as old parchment.

Twilight sighed in exasperation - assassins like these meant that someone wanted to send a message. Someone was angry and they were rich enough to afford to hire people that were cool and stylish. Assassins often cultivated that kind of look, though it only really impressed clients who didn't understand that the purpose of a good assassin was to make a problem disappear. A flashy entrance and ominous one-liner meant that this was closer to street theater than murder.

Maud was the other sort of assassin. She was the type who didn't have style or honor and was perfectly happy to walk to to somepony, or in the case some goat, and snap their neck without making a bold declaration of purpose.

That assassin dropped to the ground like a puppet with his strings cut, his head looking directly back at his tail.

Gilda and Twilight fired at the other two in the moment of distraction. Gilda's crossbow bolt bounced off of the black armor, the curved scales deflecting the point.

Twilight's spell shoved the third assassin back out of the window. The street was several floors below, and brick. There was a dull thud as he landed, leaving no illusions about him catching himself.

The remaining goat charged Twilight. She saw the glint of steel and ducked as his hoof just barely missed her head, a hoofblade nicking her ear. Gilda fired again at point-blank range, the bolt glancing aside.

"What in Tartarus are these goats wearing?" Gilda swore and reloaded.

Maud grabbed his hoof as he swung down at Twilight, stopping the blade in midair. She twisted it back, and there was a pop as the joint bent the wrong way, tendons snapping like overstretched rubbed bands. The goat didn't scream or even react beyond trying to pull himself free.

"I don't think that's the only bit we should be worried about," Twilight said. "Look!" She pointed.

The goat with the broken neck stumbled to his feet. There was an odd sound rather like a snapping neck in reverse, and his head suddenly wasn't dangling.

"...That's never happened before," Maud said, quietly. She was used to people that she killed staying killed. There was a sound of a goat climbing back up the wall outside, despite being thrown out over a sheer drop that should have turned him into goat soup wrapped up in stylish black armor.

The goat with the backwards elbow stabbed at Maud with his other front hoof. She blocked it, barely, the blade sliding along her shoe as the goat put his weight into it. Twilight could see the steel sparking as the blade cut a shallow divot.

"Plan B!" Twilight yelled.

"We don't even have a Plan A!" Gilda yelled. She kicked the table over and used it as cover to block throwing knives that went nearly all the way through the inch-thick wood.

"I'm open to suggestions!" Twilight turned and blasted the door off its hinges. Gilda fired a bolt through the goggles of the assassin attempting to turn her into a very large pincushion. It would have been extremely fatal to a normal person, but for the goat, it just served to distract him for long enough to let her get through the door, still surprisingly coordinated despite having a shaft of metal and wood all the way through his brain.

"Maud, come on, we need to-" Twilight blinked and stumbled. The nick on her ear was starting to throb, and the floor seemed to list like she was on a ship in a storm. "I think something's wrong."

Maud bucked the goat she was holding hard enough that the hoof she was holding remained being held despite the rest of his body going across the room, and she tossed it down before picking Twilight up and carrying her out. The hoof kept moving while it was on the floor, the broken end glittering in the light.

"Poison?" Gilda asked, as Twilight tossed and turned on the narrow bed. She was sweating feverishly, and the tiny wound was already swollen and red. The nasty little place down by the docks wasn't exactly the best place to be if you needed a doctor, but being somewhere moderately filthy was going to be less immediately fatal than being somewhere the goat assassins could find them.

"I think it's Purple Lotus Extract," Maud said, quietly. "It's a deadly poison, but it takes days to actually kill the victim."

"Days? What good is that in a fight?"

"It isn't. Poison is imprecise, expensive, and slow." Maud said. "I prefer being very direct."

"I noticed. So what do we do? She needs a doctor."

"Normal assassins would carry the antidote with them if they were using a poisoned blade, in case they cut themselves," Maud noted. "But these weren't normal."

"Think they were some kind of zombies? I've never seen necromancy, but I'm willing to believe just about anything after today." Gilda paced. "They even smelled dead."

"Dead?" Maud tilted her head.

"Yeah. I donno. Maybe you couldn't smell it because you're not a carnivore. When meat goes bad there's this awful stink, really distinctive. Like rotting fruit but ten times worse. The goats smelled like that." Gilda stopped at the window, the curtain drawn to keep anyone from seeing inside, though it also kept them from seeing out. She resisted the urge to lift it and check the alleyway again.

"Twilight said that the Philosopher's Stone had a lot of legends around it. Like immortality." Maud tapped a hoof on the ground. "I think the rumors are true."

"So what, we've gotta freaking find an immortality potion?"

"That would probably help," Maud said. "It's very hard to die of being poisoned if you're immortal."

"I'm not gonna die either way," said a weak voice from the bed. Twilight sat up slowly, her horn sparking. She looked drawn and pale. Her smile as as fragile as an eggshell. She pushed the thin blanket aside and almost collapsed from the effort it took.

"Don't get up!" Gilda snapped, stepping over and pushing her back down onto the mattress (which was equal parts straw and what could generously be called feathers, though whatever bird they came from had obviously been extremely sick).

"I've got a plan," Twilight said, wiping sweat from her brow. "You're going to love it."

Shining Armor stormed off of the boat so quickly he had to have been walking down the gangplank even before it actually reached the dock. He'd brought two other guards with him, who were following at a more measured pace behind the oncoming storm of their determined Captain.

"Captain Armor-" The sheep said. She was surrounded by what looked like local guards.

"You clearly didn't recruit from the brightest ewes on the island," Shining Armor said. "I can tell this because they're standing between me and where I want to go."

Miss Grimm gave him a level look. "Lord Rust has given instructions that you are to be taken to the palace. You will have dinner with him. Then you will leave. If your ship requires provisioning we will of course provide it at no cost, provided you leave with the tide."

"And why are you so eager to get rid of a Royal Guard?" Shining Armor said. "That's suspicious all by itself. We're here chasing one of the most dangerous criminals in the world-"

"You are here on the basis of a rumor," Miss Grimm countered. "We are humoring you politely. We are not signitaries of the Equestrian Accord, and you do not have joint jurisdiction."

"A Guard in hot pursuit of a criminal carries jurisdiction with him," Shining Armor retorted.

"A custom we are well aware of," Grimm sighed. "And we are also aware that following a rumor days after the fact is hardly hot pursuit."

"Just take us to your leader," Shining Armor said. "Hopefully he'll have more sense than you do."

Across the city, in a tangle of tight streets and disheveled huts, light glinted from glass.

"He's here," Gilda said, putting down the binoculars. "Rarity must have come through with delivering that anonymous tip. I guess she's not as useless as I thought."

"That's my girl," Twilight sighed.

"You're not looking good, Twilight," Gilda muttered. After two days of bed rest, she was looking even worse, shaking and sweating when she wasn't fighting to control herself.

"I was hoping it would work its way out of my system," Twilight said. "I'm lucky it was just a scratch. If it had been a real cut, I'd be in serious trouble." She smiled sarcastically. "When we get out of this I'm going to make sure I start carrying a decent first-aid kit with me."

"If we get out of this. You realize Shining Armor's going to get them all riled up?" Gilda asked.

"I hope so," Twilight groaned. "It's what he's good at. Let's get moving before they can get settled in again."

"That doesn't make any sense," Shining Armor said.

"We don't have crime in Baa Ram Ewe," Lord Rust repeated, more slowly, like he was talking to a foal.

"That's impossible. As long as there are two people in the world, one of them is going to have something the other one wants. The only people who don't commit crimes are dead."

"You're right," Lord Rust agreed. "Capital punishment helps. Perhaps I should restate things? There is no repeat crime in Baa Ram Ewe, because as soon as one of our citizens becomes a criminal, they are removed. Our only two punishments are exile and death. Sometimes both."

"Both? But-"

"The long arm of the law sometimes holds a knife, Captain," Lord Rust said.

"This is the stupidest plan I've ever been a part of," Gilda muttered, as she flew above the volcano's caldera. The thermals were great, but the fact that she was flying above a steaming, hissing pool of lava was less great. The air was thick with sulfur and burned her sensitive eyes so much she could barely see. "And I've been a part of a lot of stupid plans. All of which are your ideas, come to think of it."

"They're not going to expect me to go in through the volcano side," Twilight said. "And all their attention is going to be on Shining Armor. Worse comes to worst, I can throw myself at him and make him protect me until we get back to Equestria. He's big on taking ponies in alive."

"They're not going to expect it," Gilda glumly agreed. "I barely expect it. We should have brought Maud."

"You couldn't carry two of us, and I figure I've only got a few hours before I'm too sick to move. They've gotta have the antidote. Even if those assassins are immortal, I'm willing to bet most of the goats and sheep around the palace aren't."

Gilda winced as a bubble of molten rock popped on the surface below, hot droplets spraying into the air. The arc of deadly heat just barely missed clipping her wings.

"I'd like to note that we're not immortal either," Gilda said. She flapped harder, soaring over what had been the far rim of the caldera and was now the very near rim, really more of a cliff, and not something she wanted to crash into. They cleared a low safety wall (the safety part was to make sure drunken guests didn't fall in unless pushed, not to stop an eruption - nothing could stop an eruption) and set down in the very hardy grass that had been planted in the rich soil and poor air behind the palace. There were a few doors here, servants entrances and a big set of double doors at the other end of an enclosed carriage yard.

"I'll keep that in mind," Twilight said, smiling weakly. "Help me get this armor on, then you perch somewhere safe."

"Halt!" Barked a sheep, marching up to the suspicious pony in golden armor. "What are you doing here? This part of the palace is off-limits to visitors!"

The Royal Guard turned to look. It was a small stallion, very feminine-looking. If not for the bushy mustache, the sheep would have assumed it was a mare. Like all the Royal Guards, his armor turned his coat white and mane golden, making him nearly anonymous.

"I was looking for a bathroom," the guard said. "This place is like a maze!"

"To get here from the meeting room would require you to leave the palace entirely and enter a different door," the sheep noted. "That's a little far for a bathroom break."

"I know. Captain Armor is going to kill me! I was supposed to be back at my post ten minutes ago!" The guard looked around. "I don't suppose you can escort me back there?"

"Of course. It's this way." The sheep sighed, relieved. On the rare occasion when someone was found wandering a part of the palace they weren't supposed to be in, getting them to follow peacefully usually required a show of force. Skipping that meant he might be able to get this done quickly and quietly, which Lord Rust would definitely approve of.

"Oh, wait, I just thought of something," the Royal Guard said. "Instead of going back to the meeting room, how about you take me to where you're making counterfeit bits?"

The sheep turned around quickly, but not quickly enough to avoid being disarmed, his short heavy blade, intended to be carried in the mouth, now against his throat.

"You're going to lead me there and you're not going to scream - and don't nod. Just blink twice for yes."

The sheep blinked twice.

"Great. Sorry about being this direct, but I'm sort of on a time limit. You don't get paid nearly enough for this, do you?"

The sheep blinked twice in agreement.

"Boring job except for moments of excitement and terror, right? Let me tell you, being a thief is much more rewarding - you get to pick when you have your excitement and terror. You might want to think about a job change. You're probably gonna need to leave town after this anyway, right?"

The sheep waited, starting to sweat. The blade was awfully sharp. He could have shorn himself with it.

"Lead the way." The pressure against his neck decreased, just enough to let him start walking, slowly and carefully. He led her down a corridor, then to a door. Twilight nodded for him to open it.

"Horseapples," Twilight muttered, as she looked into the barracks room, and the eyes of two dozen sheep. "I don't suppose all of you would believe I'm lost and looking for the bathroom?"

Lord Rust tilted his head as a sheep entered the meeting room and whispered into his ear.

"Ah, interesting," he said. "Captain Armor, you're a smarter stallion than I took you for." The goat smirked lopsidedly, the smug expression of someone with all the cards.

"Thank you?" Shining Armor said, confused. His expression, meanwhile, was of someone who didn't even know that there was a poker game going on, much less how badly they were being played.

"Unfortunately, we've caught the spy you sent." Lord Rust smirked. "Really, I expected better from you."

"A spy? What are you talking about?" Shining Armor looked around as guards surrounded him.

"Don't play stupid," Lord Rust sighed. "It's tiresome. You'll talk soon enough. You'll live... well, not longer. Certainly not longer. But you'll die sooner, which might not seem like much incentive now, but it will become one in time."

"You can't get away with this. Princess Celestia-"

"Will find the ship you arrived on adrift and a thousand miles away, with no one on board. It'll be quite a mystery." Lord Rust smiled, then nodded to the sheep around Shining Armor.

Shining Armor remained resolutely silent as he was shoved into a small cell in a dank dungeon. Canterlot Castle had dungeons, but they were clean, dry, and warm. He was fairly sure the stone slab that was pretending to be a bed was covered in mildew, and everything smelled like rot. There was a bucket in one corner, and the smell around it told him that it probably hadn't been changed since the last occupant.

The door was closed and locked behind him. The ring around his horn was old and heavy and vaguely painful, like having a vice squeezing his temples.

"Well, well, well," said a too-familiar voice from the cell across from his. "Isn't that quite a sight?"

Twilight Sparkle stepped up close enough to the barred door on her cell that Shining Armor could see her through the gloom.

"Twily?" Shining Armor whispered. Then his expression hardened. "I knew you were here!"

"Of course you do. I tipped you off." Twilight snorted. "I was hoping you'd be a better distraction, though. Couldn't you have come with an army of guards and taken the place over?"

"No. They're an independent nation, not an Accord signitary. I couldn't bring more than a reasonable bodyguard for myself." Shining Armor frowned. "I shouldn't be surprised they're treating me poorly, though, if they've had to deal with you."

"I missed you too, Shiny," Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

"Why are you even here? They kill thieves here! If you'd had the decency to get arrested in Equestria at least you wouldn't be looking at the gallows."

"Well, in this case, I was hoping to find the antidote," Twilight said, shrugging and sitting down on a dry patch of floor.

"Antidote for what?"

"Oh, you know. Got poisoned with something that's probably going to kill me in..." Twilight considered. "Couple of hours at this point. I'm already getting twitchy eyelids and the occasional muscle spasm. Maud said that meant it was getting bad. Cod liver oil only does so much to help, you know?"

"But that's-" Shining Armor slumped down. "I'm not going to let you die."

"I didn't know you cared."

"I'm a Guard but I'm still your brother. Now come on, you're clever. You'd never let a cell like this keep you-" Twilight's cell door swung open. "-Oh."

"They told me they were imprisoning my commanding officer, so I figured I'd wait here for you," Twilight said. When she stepped closer, Shining Armor could see how pale and drawn she looked, sweating despite the chill down in the dungeon. Something slim and metal went into the lock on his cell door, and after half a minute of small noises and squeaking, the lock opened.

"They're actually decent locks," Twilight said. "They all have the same key, though, so once you've picked one you've sort of picked them all."

"How did you get poisoned?" Shining Armor asked.

"The generous Lord Rust decided to have a few goats try and kill me after our meeting." She winced as Shining Armor pulled on her ear to look at the cut. The edges around it were turning blue.

"All the guards I've seen have been sheep."

"The goats weren't regular guards. Some kind of special forces." Twilight slapped his hoof away from her ear, folding it back. Or trying to. It kept twitching. "They're also apparently immortal, so if you see something in black armor, don't hold back. One of them had his head twisted completely around and it barely slowed him down."

"I'll remember that," Shining Armor said. "Some kind of magic? Necromancy?"

"There was like, one goat necromancer ever. Why does everypony think goats are all getting up in corpses?" Twilight sighed. "Anyway, in this case I'm pretty sure it's actually alchemy."

Twilight motioned for him to lower his head and fiddled with the ring around his horn when he complied.

"You'd think it would be easier to do this for somepony else but you get muscle memory..." Twilight muttered, as she picked the lock. "It's like dressing yourself, you know?"

"I'm surprised you don't know a spell for it," Shining Armor said, trying to keep his head still.

"A spell for removing a restraining ring?" Twilight smiled. "Think about that one for a minute and get back to me."

"I guess it is stupid," Shining Armor muttered. The pressure around his head suddenly lifted. "You got it."

"No problem for the world's greatest thief," Twilight winked.

Shining Armor straightened up and sighed. "I'm going to help you find whatever antidote you need and get out of here, but the second we're safe I'm slapping cuffs on you. Got it?"

"Deal," Twilight said, shaking his hoof. "If you do manage to catch me, I'd rather take my chances in an Equestrian prison anyway."

Shining Armor nodded and looked both ways. "Which way?"

"Back the way we came. They wouldn't want to march all the gold past the prison cells."

"...Gold?"

"I'll explain later." Twilight quietly walked up the corridor. She moved like a cat, darting from one place to another, her hoofsteps landing as softly as snowflakes on the damp stone. Shining followed at a distance. Despite how sickly she looked, she was clearly in her element. It was the first time he'd gotten to see her like this. She held up a hoof in the standard Guard sign to halt as they reached an intersection, and went totally still against the wall of the corridor. Shining Armor tried to mimic her. Two sheep trotted by, going the other way and not even glancing at her. Shining Armor waited until she relaxed and motioned for him to form up to start breathing again.

"How did you do that?" Shining Armor whispered. "They went right past you! I was a little down the hallway, but they were so close they could have touched you."

"If you're really, really still, it's hard for people to notice you unless they're looking right at you," Twilight said. "You just kind of fade into the background."

"What about invisibility spells?"

"If you cast it badly, you're even more obvious," Twilight said. "And you never know if you did a good job with it until it's too late to fix anything."

"There are a lot of things like that. Raising a foal, for example. Some of them turn out good, and others-"

"This is not the time," Twilight muttered. "I am literally dying and I'm pretty sure a lecture isn't the cure."

"How can you be sure? You've never tried listening to one before."

"Shiny, even Mom doesn't guilt trip me like this."

"No, she encourages you instead, which is even worse."

"That's because she respects that I'm trying to enjoy my life instead of spending it doing paperwork and chasing after shadows! I do keep track of you, bro, and you think I'm responsible for about twice as many heists as I am! This is why you can't get a marefriend!" Twilight turned to yell at him, ignoring how much noise they were making.

"I've got a marefriend!"

"Is she a fifty-page form for requisitioning more halberd polish?" Twilight snapped.

"You're both going back to your cells!" A sheep said, threatening them with a spear, coming around the corner and trying to look imposing. Twilight and Shining Armor turned to him, and he was flung far down the corridor by the resulting double-blast of magical power.

"My marefriend is a very nice lady and you would approve of her," Shining Armor said, after a moment of silence. Blasting someone into unconsciousness had a wonderful way of defusing an argument.

"Maybe I'll try stealing her from you," Twilight snorted, turning away from him and stepping over the sheep. She stopped for a moment to make sure he was alive, then snapped his spear before moving on.

"That would never..." Shining Armor rubbed his chin. "...It would probably never happen. I think." He felt a bead of sweat drip from his chin. He didn't want to think about that too much. He was abruptly aware of the sheer number of nights he'd spent away from her, and the dates that he'd been late for or forgotten because he got caught up in a case.

"I could give you some tips."

"I don't need tips. We're very happy. And dedicated to our jobs."

"Oh, I see how it is. She's another guard, isn't she?" Twilight smirked, glancing back at Shining Armor. "Isn't that against regulations?

"It's not a guard-" Shining Armor started. Twilight held up a hoof.

"Shh! Quiet. Do you smell that?"

Shining Armor raised his nose and sniffed at the air. There was something acrid and metallic lingering over the dank faint rot of the dungeon, like copper coins dissolving in vinegar.

"What is that?"

"Alchemy lab," Twilight whispered, excited. She started running towards the strong smell, before stopping and turning around, confused. "It's coming from right around here, but there's no door..."

"Could it be hidden in the walls?"

"No, we're thinking too two-dimensionally," Twilight said. "You wouldn't run a precision lab in a place this damp. But you might have..." She looked up. There was a grate in the ceiling "Drainage."

Fluttershy carefully put the basket of eggs down on the stained wooden table. She didn't like this part of her job. They were only eggs, but... She pulled back the cloth covering them for a moment and blinked against the glare before concealing them again.

"At least it's for a good cause," Fluttershy whispered.

"Just lift!" said a voice, grunting and frustrated. Fluttershy blinked and looked around. The room was empty, but it had definitely come from nearby.

"I am lifting! Stop stepping on my horn!" Said a second, more masculine voice.

"I-if you're a ghost, I'm very sorry for intruding! I didn't mean to disturb your eternal unrest!" Fluttershy whimpered.

"Wait a minute... Fluttershy, right?"

"Oh no! The ghosts know my name!" Fluttershy gasped, covering her mouth.

"I'm not a ghost! Over here!" A purple hoof appeared from the floor and waved.

Fluttershy carefully padded over and looked down to see an excited, if tired, face.

"D-Dusk Shine?" Fluttershy asked. "How did you get there? That's a drainage tunnel."

"Technically it's a dungeon," she said. "Can you give me a hoof? I can open the grate but I can't lift myself up. I'm a little under the weather."

"O-of course!" Fluttershy's wings twitched as she waited for the grate to swing open in an aura of pink magic, then helped Dusk Shine up, holding onto her for what was probably a little longer than was strictly necessary.

"...Hello?" Asked the second voice.

"Oh yeah, he probably needs help too," Dusk Shine said. A stallion jumped and grabbed the edge of the grate, trying to pull himself through at a bad angle and without any leverage. Dusk Shine helped tug him into the room, and Fluttershy felt herself deflate at the sight of the large, handsome stallion.

"Is this your husband?" She asked.

Dusk Shine snorted at that.

"...Coltfriend?" Fluttershy tried.

Dusk Shine laughed even harder.

"Brother," the stallion corrected. "Shining Armor. Thank you for the help, miss."

"I didn't know you had a brother, Miss Dusk Shine." Fluttershy sighed in relief. It was much easier dealing with a brother than a coltfriend.

"...Dusk Shine?" Shining Armor raised an eyebrow and looked at his sister.

"My real name is Twilight Sparkle," she said. "Sorry about the deception. I'm... not really a tea merchant. Sort of. I do own the company, I'm just not in sales. Sort of the opposite, really. Say, I don't suppose you have any antidote around here?"

"Antidote?" Fluttershy blinked. "To what?"

"Blue Lotus Extract, I think. No, wait, Purple. Definitely purple." Twilight nodded. "I'm pretty sure. At least as sure as Shining Armor is about his marefriend not cheating on him."

Shining Armor groaned. Fluttershy tilted her head, puzzled.

"Never mind. So how about that antidote?"

"Well, um, Purple Lotus Extract... I don't really know much about that..." Fluttershy flew up to a small shelf of books carefully placed out of splash distance of anything on the benches or tables around the room. She selected a tome and paged through it.

"Is this all yours?" Twilight asked, looking around at the beakers and jars.

"Y-yes," Fluttershy nodded. "I've never been good at flying or weather magic, but I love taking care of animals. I learned alchemy in the Animal Care Academy. It's all just common sense and following recipes, like cooking." Fluttershy stopped at a page and read through it.

"Did you find something?" Twilight asked, hopefully.

"There's no specific cure, but... this describes the mechanism of action for the poison. It looks like it causes muscle spasms by making the peripheral..." she trailed off. "You probably don't need to know the details. I think I can help with a combination of painkillers and light muscle relaxants. They should bond more strongly to the..." She trailed off again, blushing.

"You don't have to stop," Twilight said, smiling. "It's sexy when somepony saves my life. I want to hear all about it."

"W-well then..." Fluttershy's blushed turned her cheeks bright red. "...then in that case... The sodium salts should have a stronger bond to the receptors than the poison, and the muscle relaxants will help counteract the paralytic effects and spasms until the poison works its way out of your body..."

"I feel better already," Twilight said, an hour later. "You wouldn't believe how sore my back was."

"That's just the painkillers," Fluttershy warned. "You're still weak and you need to heal. The pentazemin I gave you is a mild sedative and... somewhat psychotropic. Don't take more than I told you."

"I won't," Twilight said. She hugged Fluttershy. "Thanks, hot stuff. You literally saved my life. I owe you."

"Your brother said you were a thief."

"I am not just a thief," Twilight Sparkle said, smiling and striking a pose. It was a little wobbly. "I am the greatest thief."

"...Could you steal anything, even from here?"

"Ah, I see where this is going," Twilight said. "You want me to spirit you away to somewhere you won't have to work in a dank little room. Well, since I already have to smuggle myself out, I don't see a problem sharing a boat with a beauty like you."

"Stop flirting with her," Shining Armor said. "You're going to prison when we get back to Equestria."

"He's just jealous," Twilight whispered.

"I am not jealous." Shining Armor lifted the blanket over the basket of eggs and his eyes went wide as the room filled with a golden glow. "What the-"

"Be careful!" Fluttershy flitted over and carefully replaced the blanket. "Those are extremely fragile."

"What are they?" Shining Armor asked.

"They're what I want help with," Fluttershy said. "I don't want you to smuggle me out. I mean, not that it wouldn't be nice. I want you to help me get the Faberge Birds somewhere better for them."

"Faberge Birds?" Twilight looked at Shining Armor. He shrugged.

"They're very rare and... I'll show you." Fluttershy walked to the door to the next room. She pointed to thick aprons hanging next to the door. "You'll have to put on these aprons before you come in. The lead lining will protect you against the sickness."

"The sickness?" Shining Armor looked at Twilight, very unsure about where this was going.

"They're beautiful creatures, but they require very specific handling." Fluttershy pulled one of the heavy garments on. "They're the reason for all of this. Lord Rust says they're the most valuable thing on the island."

Twilight's eyes lit up. Maybe things were going her way after all.

"I'd love to see your birds~"

Author's Notes:

What came first, the Faberge Bird or the Faberge Egg?

Next time: The thrilling conclusion! Death! Gold! Birds! I might have put those in order of descending excitement. But these chapters are in ascending order! So prepare for the exciting conclusion to Fool's Gold, coming at you in... probably a day, give or take.

Fool's Gold Part Three! - Gold Experience

According to the few books that even think to mention them, Faberge Birds are one of the rarest types of magical bird. Because of the rarity, the rumors around them are based less in truth and more in fantasy. Most scholars agree that they likely do not exist, and that stories about them were simply invented by sailors (trying to impress mares) and grad students (trying to impress their supervisors).

The birds themselves are fairly impressive looking, like large geese with blue-black feathers and patches of tough golden down the texture of steel wool. They are unable to fly, but make up for it with razor-edged metallic plumage as tough as dragon scale. Even if a predator managed to overcome this, the flesh of the birds is highly toxic. They're one of the few animals that requires a significant amount of heavy metals in its diet to stay healthy, and it had developed a particular magical talent to get those metals.

Cows have five stomachs. Faberge Birds also have five stomachs, but unlike a cow, their digestive system formed a transmutation circle. Cleaning their cages required one to wear lead garments and spend no more than fifteen minutes a day exposed to the glowing waste they left behind.

If that was all there was to them, they would be a curiosity and largely left alone.

Unfortunately for Faberge birds, their eggs had a shell of a particular heavy metal that was incorruptible and tarnish-proof. That is to say, they were literally the geese that lay the golden eggs.

This is the primary reason they are now so rare, even though predators would find their meat almost immediately fatal to ingest. Predators don't care about gold, but greedy ponies do.

"These might be the last in the world," Fluttershy said, as they looked around the room at the dozen cages. "I was told that I was being brought here to help with a repopulation effort, but..."

She looked down at her hooves.

"I think I see where this is going," Twilight said. She closed the door, not liking the odd pins-and-needles feeling of the heat in the room. "Geese that lay golden eggs. Or really, geese that lay Philosopher's Stones. That's what they are, aren't they?"

Fluttershy nodded, mutely.

"Endless Night," Twilight sighed. "And here I was hoping it would be something I could steal. I'm no good with pets. I'll just have to help you get them out of here instead." She gave Fluttershy a wink and smile.

"Thank you," Fluttershy whispered.

"Wait, Philosopher's Stone?" Shining Armor asked.

"It takes some refining," Fluttershy admitted. "The gold shell is just... gold." She shrugged, like gold didn't matter. Maybe it didn't once you could turn lead into as much as you wanted. "But the yolk... if you mix it with aqua vitae, lead dipped into it turns to gold."

"What if you drink it?" Twilight asked.

"T-that's..." Fluttershy shivered. "I told them not to do it. When you eat the raw eggs, the side effects..."

"Side effects?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I saw a goat with his head twisted half-off shrug it back into place, and another one didn't even notice a crossbow bolt in his eye."

"They can't die, but they're not really alive, either," Fluttershy said. "They turn to gold slowly from the potion. It starts with their wool, because it grows so quickly, and then if they'd scab or a cut would heal, or a bruise under their skin... it all turns to gold. By the end, they turn into statues, but they're still alive."

"That's horrible," Shining Armor whispered.

"It's why I told them not to do it!" Fluttershy whimpered. "I've been trying to make a version that doesn't have such horrible effects, but Lord Rust has been taking all of the eggs and keeps demanding more, so I barely have anything to experiment with-"

"Calm down," Shining Armor said. "For now, I'm willing to believe you're doing this under duress."

"He means that unlike me, you're not in any trouble," Twilight translated.

"That's good," Fluttershy sighed. "I was worried that I'd get in trouble for what they're doing in the mint."

"...The mint?"

Shining Armor's eyes were as wide as saucers that were as wide as a pony's eyes who was looking at more bits than he'd ever seen before in his life.

"That's more bits than I've ever seen before in my life," Shining Armor whispered, looking down at the shiny gold. Fluttershy had taken them on a rather circuitous route to the mint, avoiding most of the guards. Apparently she didn't like confrontation and had worked out a safe route on her own long ago, just to avoid having to speak to anyone on the way to the water closet. A vat of something glowing with golden light stood at one end of a room along with a printing press, a smelter, and dull grey bars. A steaming crucible of bubbling lead hung on chains above the floor, tools scattered around workbenches and left on the ground as if the room had been evacuated only minutes ago.

"Don't get too excited," Twilight whispered. She grabbed something from the distant floor with her magic and brought it up for Shining Armor to see. "Take a look."

It was a disk of dull metal the size and shape of a newly-pressed bit, soft enough that Twilight was able to bend it with little effort.

"Lead coins," Twilight said. "It's how I tracked this place down. They import a huge amount of lead for this."

"And then they turn it into gold and then..." Shining Armor looked at the burlap sacks stacked along one wall, each of them printed with the mark of the Canterlot Royal Mint. "Celestia's Beard. How many of these are in circulation?"

"Nopony knows," Twilight said. "I figured out how to distinguish them from real bits, though. They show up as pure gold instead of 18-karat." Twilight snapped the bit in half, showing the grey center. "And if you break them in half, they're still lead in the middle. So you might want get ponies on removing the fakes from circulation. I hate stealing something and finding out it's worthless."

"The solution only penetrates partway," Fluttershy offered. "If you look at it under a microscope, the transition between lead and gold is completely smooth, unlike a cored or coated coin."

"How can they show up as pure gold with the lead inside them?" Shining Armor asked.

"Lead blocks magical scans," Twilight said. "It's pretty worthless for anything else. Too soft and heavy."

"The same could be said of gold," said a loud, clear voice from the other side of the room. "It's as soft as clay, heavier than lead, and the only real value is because it's rare. Hello, Dusk Shine. Or should I say, Twilight Sparkle, master thief?"

Lord Rust smiled as he stepped out of the shadows. The shadows themselves peeled off of the wall, revealing themselves as three darkly-armored goats in form-fitting armor.

"I do love being famous," Twilight said.

"Your brother told me all about you. I've never heard of you before today," Lord Rust continued.

"Not that famous," Shining Armor whispered, smiling despite himself.

"Yeah, yeah," Twilight muttered.

"I'm afraid none of you are leaving here alive... though you already knew that," Lord Rust said. He shrugged. "Miss Fluttershy, this is particularly disappointing. The Faberge Birds will, no doubt, be heartbroken. Worse, I'll have to start looking at resumes again, in this awful job market."

"Counterfeiting Equestrian currency is against the law!" Shining Armor yelled. "You're under arrest-"

"The only authority here is the point of a knife. Speaking of that..." Lord Rust nodded to the assassins.

Shining Armor had the common sense to put up a shield, which was lucky because the knives the goats threw hit with the force of siege weapons, making his shield bubble wobble, cracks starting to form.

"They're as strong as minotaurs," Shining Armor swore.

"Twice as tenacious," Twilight agreed. She grabbed the railing next to one with her magic and tore it free, wrapping it around the armored goat and throwing him to the floor in a heap.

"Woah!" Shining Armor gasped. "Twilight! You just killed-"

The goat got up, wriggling free of the twisted railing, broken bones snapping back into place as it stood.

"Never mind." Shining backed up as the other advanced on them. "So what's your plan for stopping them?"

"Well, collectively, we've tried breaking bones, shooting them in the head, snapping their necks..."

"Remind me not to get on your bad side."

The two goats on the walkway jumped, one running along the wall and the other going low against the railing, trying to flank the three ponies. Shining Armor's attention went to the goat moving low, and he blocked a strike with a hoofblade before the goat on the wall struck from above, hitting his shield hard enough with his full weight to knock Shining Armor off balance.

Shining Armor stumbled off of the walkway, recasting his shield just before he hit the stone floor, the bubble bouncing him halfway back up before popping, breaking his fall enough to avoid injury. That likely wouldn't last long. The goat that had landed on the ground floor was already circling him and looking for an opening.

"Fluttershy," Twilight said. "Just stay behind me, okay?"

The pegasus nodded, shrinking down. With how quiet and inoffensive she was, she could have taught Twilight a thing or two about stealth.

"Okay, jerks," Twilight smirked, faking bravado. "I'm sorry to have to do this, but I'm going to have to show you why I'm the best."

Her horn lit up. One of the goats jumped, then looked perplexed even through the form-covering outfit as its trajectory changed, making it soar upwards to the ceiling. The second one on the walkway grabbed the guard rail in time to prevent falling up in the reversed gravity field.

Twilight poured more magic into the spell, expanding the area of effect. There was a dull thud as something hit the underside of the walkway, almost knocking the hanging goat loose. Loose bits fell upwards to jangle against the roof.

"Something I learned a while back is just how heavy money can be!" Twilight said, just before the inverted gravity covered the rest of the stacked bags of bits under the walkway.

They slammed into the platform's underside like an avalanche of gold, the wooden beams shattering and falling up in the torrent, carrying the goat along with them. The one already on the roof tried to get to the side, and ended up pinned at the edge of the pile of gold. The goat that had been carried with it was nowhere to be found, stuck somewhere and crushed under the weight.

"Easy," Twilight said, panting with the effort. Casting it on an area was a lot harder than on individual targets.

"Um, excuse me-" Fluttershy said quietly.

"Hold on, I just need a quick breather, then I can help Shiny..."

"It's just that, um. I think this part of the walkway is-" there was a sharp crack as wood splintered. "I think you took out the main support beam."

"Feathering-" Twilight started to swear and trailed off in a scream as she felt herself start to fall. The stone below rose up to greet her and she closed her eyes, waiting for the pain.

Instead, there was a jerk upwards as hooves wrapped around her. She opened her eyes, and saw she was only inches from the floor. Above her, Fluttershy held on tight, wings flapping wildly.

"Nice save!" Twilight yelled, laughing as Fluttershy put her down safely. "Need a hoof, Shiny?"

"I'm a professional, Twilight," Shining Armor yelled, as he held off the goat assassin with his bare hooves. They fought for dominance until Shining Armor suddenly went limp, stepping to the side and letting the goat stumble past. A hoofcuff slapped around its foreleg as it passed, Shining Armor hooking the other end around its back leg on the opposite side.

The goat teetered awkwardly, trying to free itself from the short chain, until Shining Armor turned and kicked it, sending it to the ground.

"That'll slow it down," he said. He turned to Lord Rust and glared up at him. "You're under arrest! I don't care if I have jurisdiction or not, there isn't a court in the world that wouldn't prosecute you!"

"I think I'm learning to hate you," Lord Rust said. "This was supposed to just be business, but you're making it incredibly frustrating." He drew a crossbow and fired without hesitation. Fluttershy was frozen in place until Twilight shoved her away.

Twilight rolled with the impact, getting back to her hooves and stumbling, her left forehoof collapsing for a moment. She looked down and saw a wooden shaft going right through her leg, the tip dripping red.

"Huh," she said, blinking, still trying to process what she was looking at. "I thought... I thought that would hurt a lot more." Everything felt a little wobbly, like her bones were made of gelatin. "Oh, never mind. I'm on a lot of painkillers and going into shock and I think I'm starting to feel it and ow ow ow."

Fluttershy caught Twilight before she could fall over. Shining Armor put up a shield as Fluttershy walked Twilight over into the shadow of one of the printing presses for cover and helped her sit down.

"We need to get the bolt out," she said. "This is- it's going to hurt."

"Aren't you supposed to leave it in to stop the bleeding?" Twilight said, her voice distant and weak.

"It's too close to the joint. Leaving it in will make the wound worse." Fluttershy put a hoof on the bolt. "Close your eyes and take a deep breath."

"Just give me a little warning bef-" There was a snapping sound and Twilight felt a shock run up her leg. "Endless Night! I said give me warning before you pull it out!"

"I was just breaking off the tip," Fluttershy said. "You've been very brave. If you don't bite or growl, I'll give you a biscuit."

"...You've never done first aid on a pony, have you?"

"I mostly work with animals," Fluttershy whispered.

"I can tell. Just do it." Twilight grit her teeth, preparing herself. Or at least trying to. Having the bolt taken out of her leg felt like being shot all over again, in slow motion as Fluttershy held her leg still with a grip like iron and drew it out without twisting or wiggling, as precise as any machine.

The bolt dropped to the ground, clattering against the stone. Twilight let out the breath she'd been holding.

"Remind me not to get shot again anytime soon," Twilight muttered.

"That would be a good idea," Fluttershy agreed. She tore part of Twilight's jacket and wrapped it tightly around the wound. "We'll need to get real bandages, but it's better than nothing."

"You should be a real doctor," Twilight said, getting up. "Though with a beauty like that ponies might hurt themselves just to have a chance to steal away a bit of your time."

A half-broken goat fell to the ground in front of them, dragging itself along by its front hooves. It still had counterfeit bits embedded into it from where the weight of the gold had bent and forced them into place.

"The City of Baa Ram Ewe has-"

"I've heard that one before," Twilight said. She blasted the goat back with a weak burst of magic, not enough to do more than slow it down.

"We need to hide!" Fluttershy whimpered. A crossbow bolt skipped past them, raising sparks on the floor. Shining Armor was pinned down by the shots, using his shield for cover and unable to fire through it.

Fluttershy helped Twilight limp around to the other side of the press.

"We need to stop Lord Rust," Twilight said. "And I'm still drained. Is there another way out of here?"

"The big doors over there go outside," Fluttershy pointed. "I think that's how they get the bits out." They were double-doors, with a metal track leading down the middle for heavy carts full of moneybags. One of the carts was only a few paces away.

"Okay, that's good. Do you know where it leads out?"

"The back of the palace. There's a carriage yard."

Twilight paused, thinking about where she'd left Gilda.

"I was that close to it the whole time?" Twilight muttered. She'd ignored the double doors as being too obvious. Ponies - and thus sheep and goats - watched big doorways. They didn't notice servant entrances. She could have saved herself the trouble of being captured.

Her train of thought was interrupted when the broken assassin pulled himself up onto the inactive press, apparently deciding it was faster to go over than through. He crawled through the open machine towards them, and Twilight spotted a gleam of steel.

She didn't have enough magic to shove him back or blast him apart. She did have enough to pull a lever.

The press turned on, and came down like the hoof of an angry god, steam leaking from the joints. It was designed to punch disks out of lead - flattening something distinctly softer didn't even give it pause.

Fluttershy's hooves covered her mouth in horror.

"You just-"

"Try not to think about it," Twilight suggested, leaving the press down. She didn't want to see what it would look like if she raised the lever. Would his body have turned to gold, or would there be counterfeit bits made out of bone, broken armor, and distressingly soft pink bits?

Shining Armor cried out as the goat he'd hobbled grabbed his hoof, holding on despite Armor's attempts to kick him off.

"The problem is, you ponies can't see the bigger picture!" Lord Rust shouted. "Friendship and harmony only go so far! You have to be ruthless to get on top and stay there!"

Rust fired at the hanging crucible of molten lead. His crossbow hadn't taken Twilight's leg off, and so clearly wasn't powerful enough to pierce through the chains holding it, but he had surprisingly good aim. The bolt sparked as it hit an emergency release. The chains went slack, and the crucible crashed to the ground so close to Shining Armor that he could have reached out and touched it, the stone floor cracking.

"Oh buck me," Shining Armor said. There was a groan as the burning-hot container listed towards him.

Twilight grabbed at it with her magic, trying to hold it back. Her aura wrapped around it for less than a second before the weight shattered her concentration, but that second was just enough. Shining Armor reared up and managed to kick the goat hanging onto him away and jump to safety before the patch of floor where he'd been standing became a lake of molten lead.

The goat wasn't so lucky, sizzling like hay bacon in a frying pan as it tried to get away, the lead slowly solidifying around it.

"You're out of minions!" Twilight shouted. Her head felt like somepony had driven an ice pick into it. Fluttershy's painkillers weren't doing much to help with magical backlash.

"Do you know how much their lives were worth?" Rust asked, ducking behind a doorframe for cover and avoiding a magical bolt from Shining Armor. "I do. The chemical reagents used to make them could have been used to create ten thousand bits."

"You can't put a price on a life!" Shining Armor yelled. "Come quietly or else we'll have to use force!"

"How long do you think it's going to be before the rest of my guards come down here? You'll never leave this palace-"

There was a twang. Lord Rust stumbled out onto the walkway and over the railing, a bolt in his side.

"What's wrong with all of you?" Gilda demanded, reloading her crossbow, perched in one of the windows high above the mint floor. "I've been waiting out back and when I come in following all the feathering noise you're having a nice chat in the middle of a fight!"

"Happy to see you too, Gilda," Twilight said. "I'm still alive, by the way."

"I know. I could tell by how frustrated he sounded."

"Y-you're all going to... pay..." Lord Rust gasped, coughing up blood. One leg was crumpled under him and obviously broken badly.

"I'd really like to get away from here," Gilda said. "Maud got in touch. She had to pull a bunch of sheep off of this dweeb's boat." She pointed at Shining Armor and added "Nopony's dead."

"When you say nopony-"

"Oh, there are a bunch of dead sheep. But nopony's dead. See?" Gilda smirked. "She didn't have time to use a soft touch."

"Let's get your birds and get out of here," Twilight said, patting Fluttershy on the back.

"But what about..." She looked at Lord Rust.

"Nothing we can do for him," Twilight said. There were probably a few things they could do, maybe even including saving his life, but she didn't feel generous enough to attempt them. Shining Armor and Gilda followed them, one thinking Twilight would escape if she left his sight for more than a moment and the other just not believing that any of the others could take care of themselves. Both of them were absolutely right, of course.

Lord Rust was left alone in the foundry. His breathing was getting shallow, and everything was starting to go dim, his vision closing off like he was looking down a tunnel. And at the end of that tunnel was a vat filled with glowing golden light.

"We can't set them free here," Fluttershy said. "They'll just get captured again. I don't want them to live in captivity, forced to lay eggs. If we took them back to Equestria, the same thing would happen - they'd be locked up."

"The Royal Aviary is far different from tiny cages in a dungeon," Shining Armor said. He kept one eye on Gilda, even while he helped Fluttershy pack one of the sky chariots full of caged birds, each of them covered by a heavy, leaded sheet to help them sleep and keep their poisons from making anypony sick.

"A gilded cage is still a cage," Twilight said. "How about we make a stop at one of those uncharted islands a little out of the way?"

"And let you steal them and forge bits yourself?" Shining Armor asked, huffing. "I'm not an idiot."

"Why would I want to?"

"You'd be able to make millions."

"Millions that didn't mean anything," Twilight said, sharply. "What's the point? It'd be like getting a trophy just for showing up to a marathon. Have the navy keep an eye on the island and donate a few eggs a year for medical research. Maybe if they can keep patients from being turned into gilded statues something useful can come from it."

"That's oddly altruistic of you," Shining Armor frowned.

"Enough to convince you to let me go free?" Twilight asked, hopefully.

"Don't push your luck." Shining Armor secured the last cage. "Fluttershy and your... friend will take this to the ship. We won't fit on the chariot, so I'll just walk you there myself."

"Forcing a wounded prisoner to walk on their own?" Twilight said. "Cruel and unusual. I'll make sure my lawyer knows how you treat ponies who save your life."

"You're just lucky I'm letting you walk on your own. If you even try to escape, I'll hit you with a sleep spell so hard you won't wake up until you're already in prison with half of your sentence served."

Gilda helped Fluttershy get the chariot into the air, and the two were quickly on the way, taking a long, circling path to avoid going over the volcano caldera right behind the palace.

"Do you think it's only the really evil villains that get volcano lairs, or are there decent ponies who use lava to make casseroles?" Twilight asked, idly looking over the bubbling expanse.

"I think only crazy ponies would build their house over an active volcano," Shining Armor said. "Now let's go. It's a long walk. You can lean on me if you need to."

"Thanks," Twilight said, leaning into him. "You know, you did make one mistake."

"What?"

"You reminded me that I know a sleep spell too." She fired it into his neck at point-blank range, and he collapsed in a heap. "When Gilda comes back I'll have her pick you up and drop you off somewhere safe." Twilight patted his shoulder, smiling. "Idiot."

Twilight heard a twang, and ducked, a badly-aimed crossbow bolt going wide. She rolled behind one of the other chariots and looked around cautiously. Lord Rust tugged on the crossbow in his hooves and then threw it down, frustrated, when it refused to cooperate and reload.

"Twilight! Get out here!" He screamed. She could see glints of yellow. His coat was already starting to change. "Face me!" Rust drew a saber, limping towards her. His back leg was twisted, painfully bending where a leg shouldn't bend every time he took a step. He didn't seem to notice.

"You're not dead?" She asked, surprised.

"You left me in a room with the Philosopher's Stone! It's the cure for everything, even death!" He shoved the chariot she was hiding behind with inequine strength, tipping it over. She could see his veins outlined on his neck and face, standing out and hardening in place like golden cracks. One eye was already a solid golden orb.

"For someone who's been cured, you're looking awfully sick." Twilight backed away, towards the edge of the yard. She didn't realize just how close she was until her flank hit the low wall at the edge.

"I'll kill you, get that idiot pegasus back, and make her fix this," Rust said. "It's just a minor setback."

"You can't feel any pain at all, can you?" Twilight asked. "I guess that suits you since you didn't feel anything when you ordered assassins to kill me."

"You won't feel anything either," Rust said. His movements were starting to slow. "Not once I'm... done with you." He struggled to take another step. All the bones grinding inside his broken leg, the muscles getting torn up, had already made his back leg turn almost entirely into solid gold. He dragged it along behind him, hobbled by the weight.

Twilight threw herself to the side as he lunged. Rust was ponderous and heavy and hit the short wall almost in slow motion, smashing through it with the inequine strength he'd displayed a moment ago in flipping over the carriage. His mass carried him over the edge, that strength not nearly enough to stop his momentum.

Goats were, though, natural climbers if nothing else. He dropped the saber and grabbed for the edge, his front hooves finding some purchase even as his back half dangled in midair, the weight dragging him down.

"No! It can't end like this!" Rust growled, trying to pull himself back up. The solid gold attached to his hip started to pull and tear at things inside him, the transmutation flashing up his back like fire that left gold instead of ashes in its wake.

Twilight looked down at him, then picked up his sword. He looked at her in fear for a moment, like she'd make his situation worse by stabbing him. Instead, Twilight tossed his dropped saber over the edge and into the lava. The steel started glowing red hot and spread into a puddle like butter on a skillet. She glanced down at Rust and walked away.

Twilight didn't look back when he lost his grip, his screams ending in a wet splat.

Gilda sat back, watching her fishing line. "Too bad we didn't end up with anything valuable," she said. "We spent all that time and effort and we don't even have anything to show for it."

"Taking the gold seemed like a waste. We'd have to smelt it to separate it from the lead in the middle, and that's way too much like honest work," Twilight said, relaxing in the sun on the deck of their little fishing boat. "Besides, I did get a little something."

"Really?" Gilda asked. Maud turned from where she was studying the ocean to look, surprised.

"Yep." Twilight pulled a metal flask from her jacket. She opened the lid and revealed that the contents were glowing with a golden light. "I'm not sure how long it lasts or what to do with it yet, but I wasn't going to walk away totally empty-hooved."

"Just don't drink it," Maud said, quietly.

"Trust me, after seeing what it did to Lord Rust, I'm not even close to tempted," Twilight said. She closed her flask securely. "I might just put it away in the family museum as a trophy."

"Wonderful. All that work for a trophy. What about the pegasus?"

"Fluttershy? Well, I'm sure she'll be fine."

"Are you enjoying the royal menagerie?"

Fluttershy winced. It hadn't been said in a harsh tone of voice. In fact, it had been calm and measured and pleasant and if it had been said by anypony else, she probably wouldn't be afraid. But every motion and word the pony in front of her made caused Fluttershy to feel a rush of fear. It wasn't often that one had tea with a goddess, after all.

"Y-yes, Princess Celestia," Fluttershy whispered.

"Good, I'm glad. They do take some time to get used to new ponies, even ones who are as gifted as you are." Celestia sipped at her tea. Fluttershy tried not to look directly at her.

"Thank you f-for giving me this opportunity," Fluttershy said.

"No need to thank me. This worked out well for everypony," Celestia said. "My old gamekeeper was only staying around because he couldn't find a replacement that satisfied him. He's been looking forward to retirement for years."

Fluttershy nodded, not sure what to say. Ponies were more difficult to talk to than animals.

"There was something else I wanted to discuss," Celestia said, smiling down at her, eyes twinkling like garnets. "Would you be so kind as to tell me everything you know about Twilight Sparkle?"

Author's Notes:

And so we leave the fair, far-off land of Baa Ram Ewe.

For reference, Fluttershy in this continuity has a considerable amount of higher education because the events around the Sonic Rainboom were somewhat different. While we'll see how that affected others shortly, in Fluttershy's case she ended up going into higher education because her best friend went away for special training after being discovered by the Princess.

You see, there was this incident with a dragon at the School for Gifted Unicorns, but Celestia had her personal student there to handle things and- you know what, we'll get into details next time~

Open Fire! - The Sun Sets on Stalliongrad

The funny thing about detective stories is that they always start with a mare.

Ponies think that the least realistic part of pulp fiction is that a detective can just tell at a glance if somepony was a liar or a killer or just plain old trouble. The truth is that if you want to live long in this business, you figure that out pretty quickly for yourself and learn to trust your gut instincts.

The thing that's really unrealistic about those stories is that a beautiful mare walks into the office and throws herself at the private dick. Maybe that's true for the independently employed, but when you're the Captain of the Guard, beautiful mares tend to be intercepted by the sergeant on duty, and I have to deal with ponies who are screaming and angry.

Today was a red letter day. I had a beautiful mare in my office, and she wasn't trying to kill me yet. Unfortunately, those red letters spelled Trouble and in Canterlot, Trouble went by the name of Sunset Shimmer.

"And what can I do to help you, Miss Shimmer?" I said, shuffling paperwork and putting it between us. It wasn't that I was afraid of her. I'd just never had an encounter with her that ended well. I'd tried looking into her past at one point and there were entire years with no trace of her at all, classified to such a high level that she might as well have vanished from Equestria.

"Grand Magus Shimmer," Sunset corrected. A golden scepter floated over the paperwork, the top a sculpt of her own smiling face.

Tradition demanded that ponies meeting the Grand Magus kiss the scepter, like kissing the ring of a mafia boss or not kissing the head of the garbage-collector's guild at all. Not wanting to start this off on the wrong hoof, I kissed it. It helped that she didn't look smug about it. She just looked tired and overworked, an expression that I'd seen in the mirror more often than not.

"I need all the information you have on Twilight Sparkle, Captain Armor," the Grand Magus said, stowing the scepter among the bits and bobs hanging from her saddlebags.

The request made me freeze up for a moment, my expression betraying nothing. I hoped it betrayed nothing, anyway. Having to keep a straight face at formal dinners with Cadance whispering things in my ear had trained me to keep my expression as stony as the marble floor - and it was definitely like the floor because it had to hold up while ponies walked all over me.

"I don't think the activities of the Royal Guard come under the purview of the Grand Magus," I said, carefully. I felt like a pony trotting across a minefield, every word a step into the unknown.

"They don't, usually," Sunset said. The way she said it indicated that this could change rapidly depending on how well I cooperated. "I don't care about all of that." She motioned with her chin to the corkboard I'd filled with Twilight's exploits, string connecting them to potential leads.

"Then what do you care about?"

"I need to find her," Sunset said. "Magus business."

That made my coat practically stand on end. Magus business meant one thing. Dark magic. I wanted to put Twilight in jail, but a pony practicing dark magic wouldn't go to jail - they'd end up in Tartarus, assuming they even lived long enough to be thrown in there.

"I'm going to need more than just 'Magus business.'" I said, sitting back in my chair. "There's paperwork that has to be filled out, potentially a legal hearing if confidential or private information has to be turned over-"

Sunset slid a thin sheet of paper across my desk. I didn't need to read the fine print, just the signature at the bottom and the seal stamped next to it. The Princess had given her a golden ticket to take whatever she wanted. I shouldn't have been surprised. They were close. If the rumors were true, they'd only gotten closer since Sunset had stopped being a student and stepped into the role of Grand Magus. It was one of the few things Cadance wouldn't discuss with me, and depending on what pony you asked you'd get one of a hundred stories.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and counted to ten before saying anything.

"The Royal Guard will of course be happy to assist with your inquiries-"

"No," Sunset said. "I don't need or want your help. No offense, Captain Armor, but this place is as leaky as a wineglass made of cheesecloth, and I have reason to believe it goes right to the top."

She looked at me with a flat, level gaze that was somehow even worse than if she'd just been accusing me of something.

"Are you calling me incompetent?" I asked, standing up and resisting the urge to throw her out of my office. Part of me knew that it wouldn't end well for me. They never did find all the pieces of the baby dragon.

"For your sake I hope it's just incompetence," Sunset said. "There's no law against that. There are laws about assisting criminals and helping them evade arrest, though."

"I want my sister in prison more than anypony else."

"I believe you," Sunset said. "I really do. But you're also a very kind pony, according to my research."

That sent another chill down my spine. You never wanted the Grand Magus to do research on you. It meant you were, as they said, an 'individual of interest'. Ponies they were interested in tended to regret being interesting.

"Do you know where she is?" Sunset asked, very directly.

"No," I replied, honestly. When she was lying low, Twilight was a difficult mare to find. "If I knew where she was I'd have half the Royal Guard surrounding the place."

Sunset nodded, walking over to the corkboard and examining it with a careful eye.

"You're dismissed."

"This is my office," I pointed out.

"It is," she said. "And you are dismissed. There are other cases you can chase. Or you could spend time with Cadance. Celestia has given me authority to gently remind you that you have a considerable amount of vacation time saved up. Your little cruise barely scratched the surface." A cyan aura made the cut-out newspaper article about Blueblood's disastrous proposal flutter in an unseen wind. Twilight hadn't even been mentioned in the papers, the scandal more than enough to fill the front page on its own.

"I'll go find something else to do," I said, trying not to growl at being kicked out of my own office.

"I'm sure you'll find something productive. Don't let me detain you."

I was starting to hate that phrase. I'd heard it too many times lately.

Cadance lived in the palace. For the last few years she'd only maintained an apartment in the main keep, but after Blueblood's disastrous attempt at blackmailing a fashion designer, he had abandoned his estates in Canterlot and gone to his summer home in Prance to wait for ponies to forget his shame.

That had left his small (by castle standards, but still a mansion by anypony's reckoning) estate on palace grounds empty, and his servants unemployed. Celestia had gifted them to Cadance, and most ponies considered this to be a vast improvement over the prior tenant. The servants, especially.

I walked in on Cadance practicing painting. One of her maids was posing on a footstool, Cadance looking between her and the canvas she was working on. She was frozen in the middle of cleaning a window, the light and shadow in stark contrast.

"When you come here in the middle of the day it's never with good news," Cadance noted, not looking back at me. Today she was painting in loose, wet watercolors, an impressionistic work of thick lines and touches of spreading color. She'd told me once that painting had been the least destructive way she'd found of practicing telekinesis.

"I got kicked out of the Guard offices by Sunset Shimmer," I said. Cadance's control was excellent. She didn't flinch and ruin the linework she was building up, nor did she put the paintbrush right through the canvas. Instead she carefully pulled back from what she was working on and put the brush down.

"Thank you for modeling for me, Miss Brush," Cadance said. The maid looked at me and then back to Cadance and nodded, understanding implicitly that Cadance wanted some privacy. She left the room quickly, shutting the door behind her.

"Sorry. I shouldn't bring her up," I said.

"I'd be a terrible marefriend if I couldn't handle listening to your day," Cadance said. "And it doesn't upset me. She just..." Cadance trailed off. "It's complicated, and before you and I met. I'm guessing this is about Twilight?"

"Did you learn to read minds while I was signing requisition forms? Even my Sergeants aren't as sharp as you."

"Twilight is a powerful unicorn, a criminal, and practically untrained. It's exactly the kind of thing that would catch her attention." She sighed and lowered her voice. "These days, anyway."

"I just wish I knew why."

I found out why the next morning, over what should have been a pleasant breakfast with Cadance. I was halfway through eggs (covered in ketchup) and toast (covered in butter) when the paper was delivered to the table by a smiling maid, who almost swooned when Cadance thanked her.

Right across the front page of the Canterlot Post, the clue was delivered to me with a subtlety that was could only be matched by a bat with nails in it.

STALLIONGRAD MAUSOLEUM RAIDED

A massive stone structure was pictured on the front, surrounded by ponies with the stoic look that all guards everywhere quickly learned to master, and a roped off section where, just visible, was a broken door.

"Oh no," I whispered.

"What's wrong, Shiny?" Cadance craned her head to look at the paper over my shoulder. I turned it so she could read it more easily.

"This has to be connected. It's exactly the kind of thing Twilight would do! Nopony gets hurt if you rob from the dead. But maybe Sunset thinks she's doing some kind of... of... necrobubba!"

"Necromancy," Cadance corrected.

"Huh?"

"The word is-" Cadance sighed. "Never mind, dear. I guess I'll cancel your dinner plans, then? We were going to eat with your parents."

I stood up. "I need to get to Stalliongrad."

Of all the cities in all of the world, none was as beautiful as Canterlot. I was reminded of this very strongly as the train pulled into Stalliongrad, which had heard about beauty once from a passing tourist and beaten him with a grey, humorless brick until he confessed that of course Stalliongrad was much nicer looking than Canterlot, especially if somepony would please stop hitting him about the head with masonry.

I could see a lot of the city from the train car's streaked, dirty window, and at the same time I felt like I wasn't seeing anything at all. Everything blurred together from the sameness. Ponies wrapped up in winter clothing so tightly that you couldn't see their coat colors walked down streets that were hidden under snow. They shuffled from one identical grey building to another, everything anonymous.

It was the perfect place to hide. And if I was very lucky, it would be the perfect place to find somepony. The train pulled to a stop in a station that was the same as the last two stations I'd seen, save that the sign at this one indicated that I was at my destination in the blocky, oddly twisted letters that they used in Stalliongrad. It was some kind of holdover from immigrants from an ancient, vanished empire. I wasn't really a student of history, so they were less a fascinating bit of culture and more another annoying difficulty.

Part of me expected to be ambushed as soon as I'd gotten off the train. It had happened more than once when I was chasing after Twilight and somepony else caught wind of it. For somepony who was going around breaking the law, the law ended up spending an awfully large amount of time and effort trying to keep her from being killed.

I pushed into the crowd, pulling my jacket tighter around me, and considered my options. Technically, I was on leave. I couldn't officially request permission to go after Twilight without alerting Sunset Shimmer, and then I'd probably be forbidden to interfere. She'd been the one to suggest leave, though, and there wasn't a law against visiting Stalliongrad in your spare time.

Not to say that there shouldn't have been a law against it. Nopony should have to live in a place where the river had icebergs and the bay was only passable to ships three months out of the year.

I'd gone a few blocks before I realized I was being followed. Most ponies wouldn't have noticed. As a people, we tended to look down at the ground when we were walking, especially when there was rain or snow. The oldest trick in the book for following somepony was to do it from above. You got a better view and they weren't likely to spot you unless, of course, you were trying to sneak up on a pony with razor-sharp senses and catlike reflexes like yours truly.

I tried not to look like I'd seen it. Had to be a pegasus, and the glimpse I'd caught made him look huge. I didn't want to scare him off, so I kept my pace nice and even and walked into an alleyway. They'd have to follow if they wanted to keep tabs on me.

Now, even the best ponies make mistakes, and in my defense, everypony more or less looked identical with their winter clothing on. I was so focused on keeping my attention on the sky without actually looking like I'd noticed the pony pursuing me that I didn't notice that I was being followed at ground level until very large ponies blocked off both ends of the alleyway I'd walked into. For most ponies this would be a fatal blunder.

When they pulled out hoofblades, I realized that it was possible this was also going to be a fatal blunder for me.

A hail of crossbow bolts from above caught one of the thugs and made the others dive for cover. I looked up to see what I had thought was a pony was in fact a griffon, using her claws to hang onto the cracked concrete of the wall like a big, winged spider.

"Gilda?" I blinked. I recognized my sister's most loyal partner in crime even with the thick coat and scarf.

"I thought you could take care of yourself," Gilda said. She reloaded and took aim at the other end of the alleyway, but the thugs were already fleeing. She lowered her weapon and dropped to the cobblestones, the narrow alley and long fall something that would have been dangerous for a pony but significantly less so for someone that was half cat. She landed lightly and put her weapon away, holding her talons out to show she was unarmed.

Well, you know, more or less unarmed. She still had talons. And claws on her hindlegs. And a beak. It wasn't like she could put any of that away.

"I'm guessing those weren't yours," I said, looking at one of the fallen ponies.

"No, they're local. They don't have organized crime here as much as they have a food chain." She rolled one of the ponies over and pulled his coat off. There were tattoos around his cutie mark, almost abstract, spiraling outwards from a spiked horseshoe.

"I know these tattoos. He's an enforcer for the Trotskis." The smell of death hit me as I stepped closer. My nose wrinkled. It wasn't the scent of a pony who'd been dead for less than a minute.

"Was an enforcer for the Trotskis," Gilda corrected. "He's been dead for at least a week."

"But he was just-" I stopped, my eyes going wide. "Necrobubba."

"I'm pretty sure the Equestrian word for it is Necromancy," Gilda corrected. I felt my coat bristle in annoyance. "And that's not the half of it. Come on. I've been holding up in a church. I don't know if they can actually follow me there, but I figure it's worth a shot."

"Is Twilight there?" I asked. I saw Gilda almost trip at the question, not in surprise that I'd asked it but more like she froze up trying to think of a good answer to it.

"No," she said. "Otherwise it wouldn't be safe."

There weren't a lot of churches in Equestria. Celestia had never made it illegal to worship her, but she certainly didn't encourage it. Most ponies who could pray could just as easily write a letter to her and expect a response, and this was generally considered a more worthwhile use of time, even if an envelope required postage and a prayer didn't.

Stalliongrad had been the center of a sort of revival of the Orthodox Church of Sol about three hundred years ago, and there were still churches and even a grand cathedral around the city. They were little more than historical sites now, but you'd sometimes see ponies drop to their knees to whisper a few words, just in case. I'd never gotten the nerve to ask Celestia if she could actually hear their prayers. I wasn't sure I wanted the answer.

Gilda had chosen one of the more run-down churches, though that didn't mean much. Stone arches generally didn't fall down on their own, even if the roof leaked a little. She'd set up a little home away from home in a loft that had perhaps once been used as box seating by the rich and famous, offering a good vantage point of all the entrances to the building.

I wasn't sure what to think of Gilda. She was a criminal and a griffon but probably also my sister's closest real friend. I'd like to think that she was a bad influence on Twilight but the nagging little voice inside me that usually turned out to be right insisted that the opposite was more likely true.

"Beans?" She offered, holding up the tin can.

"No thanks," I said. The stink of the dead had put me off food for a while. "So are you going to tell me what's going on, or am I going to have to start by arresting you?"

"Twilight's in some deep horseapples and I don't know what to do about it," Gilda said. "We came here chasing after rumors about buried treasure, and after we found it she started acting crazy. Maud was the smart one. She didn't want to get involved at all."

"You're going to have to be more specific than just 'acting crazy'." I had a bad feeling that this was why Sunset was prowling around looking for her.

"Well, uh," Gilda looked nervous. "Her eyes changed color and she started raising the dead as zombie servants and tried to kill me. So, you know. Acting crazy."

"I have to try and talk reason with her," I said. Gilda snorted.

"I tried that already."

"What happened?"

"Well, you remember two seconds ago when I mentioned the zombie servants and trying to kill me?"

I frowned and started pacing. "Okay, tell me about what you were doing here. Don't leave anything out."

Gilda wasn't much of a storyteller. Some criminals would sing like stool pigeons, she sung more like a particularly sarcastic brick. Apparently Twilight had gotten ahold of some kind of scroll that detailed all sorts of treasures buried in the Mausoleum in Stalliongrad. As Gilda stumbled over the events, my brain filled in the gaps until I could see the whole thing in my head.

Twilight would consider it easy money - the dead didn't need gold or gems, and nopony needed to get hurt when she took it. It wasn't even in a museum, making it a victimless crime.

I wasn't entirely sure there was such a thing as a victimless crime. Ponies would have to clean up the mess, somepony would get fired for not guarding it well enough, and even ponies that weren't directly involved would have their careers ruined because they hadn't been able to protect a 'national treasure'. That was one thing I don't think Twilight ever really understood. When she robbed a bank, even if all the security guards were unhurt, most of them ended up needing a new job by the end of the week.

Gilda didn't describe the actual break-in in much detail. Apparently it was an easy job. Locals stayed away from it and the place was locked with some kind of magical seal that she couldn't have described if her life depended on it.

Inside, there had been a thick layer of dust and a sarcophagus of silver, the lid held on with clockwork locks. I wasn't sure why a coffin needed to be locked, but when Gilda described the scrape marks on the inside of the lid, I had a feeling it didn't mean anything good.
Inside, whoever had been entombed had rotted away to dust, even the bones disintegrated into powder.

And then there was the book.

"It was bound in leather," Gilda said. "Leather that still had a cutie mark on it. Twilight grabbed it to have a look and that was when she started acting funny."

"I have to stop her," I said. "And fast. She's using dark magic. You know what they do to ponies that use dark magic?" Gilda shook her head. "They make sure they can't ever use it again. If they're lucky, they get their horns cut off. If they're not lucky, the rest of the head comes with it, and that's assuming the Grand Magus doesn't get to them first."

"Grand Magus?"

"Sunset Shimmer. Unofficially speaking, Celestia's iron hoof. The first time I met her, she was traumatizing my little sister for life."

Twilight was in the final round for the entrance exams of Celestia's school for gifted unicorns. She hadn't even earned her cutie mark yet, and I could tell the professors were impressed with her performance so far. I'd taken the day off of school - Cadance was out of town visiting Cloudsdale with Celestia for some reason, very hush-hush, so I figured I'd skip out too.

I watched my sister struggle and strain to pour magic into the dragon egg that they'd wheeled out.

"This doesn't seem like a fair test," I whispered.

"It's not," my mother agreed. "It's supposed to be impossible. They want to see how she deals with failure."

"They want to see a foal cry?" I asked, frowning.

"Cry, ask for help, start throwing things around the room, set fire to something," my mother shrugged. "It's an exclusive school with a very demanding syllabus. They need to see how she'll react to the stress."

Then the room shook, and a rainbow burst across the sky and everything went white.

Twilight was surrounded in an aura of magic. My mother had turned into a fern. The professors were hovering near the roof, and a full-grown, confused dragon was half in the room and half bursting through the roof.

Maybe if somepony else had come to deal with things, it would have been different. Maybe Twilight would have calmed down on her own after a few minutes. Instead, Sunset Shimmer was the first on the scene, announcing her arrival with a blast of fire that sent the dragon reeling and falling out of the building, taking most of the foundations with it on its way down.

The aura around Twilight flickered and died, and the force holding her up gave way. She looked down and screamed as she fell, until she was snagged with cyan magic and held, dangling head down, over the abyss.

"Looks like I got here just in time," Sunset Shimmer said.

"Twilight never told me that story," Gilda said, looking at the window. It wasn't the kind of window you could look out of, so she really was just looking at it, the huge, ornate thing showing a stylized sun in bubbly, colored glass set in a spider web of lead.

"She had nightmares about it for a year," I said. "After her magic shut off, it turned back into a hatchling, and then it hit the rocks."

Gilda shivered at the mental image.

"No matter what she's doing, I can't let Sunset get to her first," I said. "I won't let my sister get hurt by her again."

"Okay," Gilda said, quietly.

"And we're doing things my way."

"Where do you want to start?" Gilda asked.

"I'm a Guard, Gilda. We're going to start at the scene of the crime."

"Explain to me again why we're breaking in to a crime scene," Gilda hissed, as she worked at the lock on the gate. "Can't you just ask nicely or get a warrant?"

"Not until the morning, and it might be too late by then," I said. The truth was that I couldn't ask anypony for help because they'd know I wasn't here in any official capacity. Gilda was a lucky exception.

"Picking locks is more Twilight's thing," Gilda muttered. She took a few more minutes to get it open. Minutes of standing in the cold and looking at the shadows, hoping the shadows weren't looking back. There was a soft click and Gilda sighed in relief. "Got it. And just so we're clear on this, if you even try to arrest me for any of this-"

"You're assisting an officer of the law with his inquiries," I said. "Tell you what, I'll even deputize you into the Guard."

"If you do that, I'd never live it down," Gilda snorted. She pushed open the gate and motioned for him. "Please. Age before beauty."

I walked through, knowing that I had a dangerous predator with a crossbow right behind me. That was comforting, in a way. It meant I only had to be worried about what was ahead of me, because anything trying to stalk me from behind would need to go through a heavily armed griffon.

The Mausoleum was a strange structure, this close. I expected it to be old, with the same kind of expert masonry as the cathedrals of the city, but it was more like an onion, with at least three different layers built up around each other. The outer layer was concrete, not in blocks but in cast slabs around the rest. It was old enough that it was starting to wear down at the edges, formerly sharp lines eroding and crumbling. It was very solid looking, like a fortress or prison.

The doors were slabs of iron, and it took me an embarrassingly long time and three attempts to pull them open to realize that it wasn't just normal iron.

"This is cold iron," I muttered, pressing my horseshoe against it and feeling the tug of the metal.

"Twilight said the same thing," Gilda shrugged. "I don't see why that's special. Everything around here is feathering cold, iron or not."

"No, it's cold iron," I repeated, emphasizing the words. "It was worked cold and never smelted. It's magnetic and very resistant to magic."

"So it's valuable?"

I frowned, thinking about how to answer that. "Not unless you need giant doors. Reworking cold iron is difficult and there's a good chance you lose the special properties. Making the doors had to be absurdly expensive, though. You can't smelt it, so you'd have to find a big chunk of metal, maybe thunderbolt iron-"

"Boring," Gilda declared, rolling her eyes. "We're here for a reason, remember? These were the doors locked with a magical seal."

"It would take twice as much magic to enchant them. Combined with the cost of making the doors... somepony spent a lot of money making sure this place was going to stay locked up."

"Makes sense," Gilda said. "It had treasure in it."

I nodded and walked inside. It was pitch-black inside, and the light from the open doorway let me just barely see the ground. The tiles in the floor had protective talismans printed on them. Individually weak, but easy to make.

"You really think she'll come back here?" Gilda asked.

"No, but it's a good place to find clues about what she might want," said a voice that made me shiver. There was a flash of light, and torches around the walls erupted in flames. I heard the twang of a crossbow as Gilda took a shot.

Sunset Shimmer didn't even notice the bolt. It hit her chest and snapped like it had been fired against a boulder. In the low light I could just barely see the shield spell wrapped around her like a second skin.

"You're supposed to be on leave, Captain Armor," she said, her tone implying that the Captain part didn't impress her and was potentially temporary.

"I like to keep busy when I'm on holiday," I retorted.

"With one of Twilight Sparkle's infamous partners in crime," Sunset said, stalking towards us. "This is why I can't trust you, Armor. You keep bad company."

"I need to keep my sister safe."

"I need to keep Equestria safe," Sunset said. "Get some perspective, Armor, and-" She stopped and turned to Gilda, grabbing her talon with her magic. "And give me what you just picked up."

Gilda looked at her closed talon. Sunset rolled her eyes and pried it open with her telekinesis. A key dropped free, the unicorn snatching it before it hit the ground.

"A locker key for the Stalliongrad central station," Sunset noted, looking at it. "You two just stay out of my way. And you should be more careful. This place was crawling with the undead before I got here." She let Gilda go and stepped past me before vanishing in a flash of teleportation.

"You could have been less obvious about it," I muttered. "That key might have been a valuable clue."

"I doubt it," Gilda said. "It was my key. She's gonna find a stash of crossbow bolts and a first aid kit. It was a distraction." She held out her other talon and showed me what she was holding. An earring.

"What's that?" I asked, picking it up to look.

"It's enchanted with a message spell. We use them to keep in contact when we're on the job."

"And she took it off?"

"Looks more like it tore out," Gilda said. I shivered at the thought. There was blood splattered against it. "But she wore it for more than a year. There are spells you can use to track somepony, right?"

"I think I can put one together. Good thinking."

"Let's go," Gilda said. "This place gives me the creeps."

I looked around at the ancient stonework. Unlike the outside, in here it was so old it had to date to the first generations of settlers. It almost looked like a temple with the sarcophagus at the center, the stones all rounded river rocks and barely worked at all, just stacked together and joined with mortar that had turned an odd green-black over time, like tarnished silver. Black crystals grew from the rocks like lichen, making the inner chamber almost like a dark geode.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I don't want to be here when Sunset finds out you gave her a red herring."

Tracking spells were part and parcel of a good Royal Guard's kit. There were some problems with them, though. You could make them fast, accurate, or cheap, and sacrifice the other two in the process. Since I wasn't going to be able to expense this out to the Guard, it meant I was going to have to go the cheap route and hope it got me close enough to find Twilight.

"What is that?" Gilda asked, reaching for the tangle of strings I was working into a net. I gently pushed her away, trying to keep focused. The hideout she'd been using was almost silent except for the small camping stove hissing as it burned slowly through its fuel, heating a kettle for coffee.

"Sympathetic tracking spell," I explained. "It matches the leylines in the area. I have a permanent version in my office." I strung the earring in the web. "When Twilight casts a spell, it'll resonate with the closest leyline. If she's moving and casting spells, we can figure out where she is by looking at how the resonance changes."

"We have to wait for her?" Gilda frowned. "That could take all night."

"And if she isn't moving we'll have to search along the whole leyline," I sighed. "Best I can do. We've got maybe a day before the connection between her and the earring breaks."

"So it's a stakeout," Gilda said.

"Sure, something like that," I shrugged. I sat back and watched the strings. A bell tied to the mass would alert me if anything vibrated.

"I just don't understand why Twilight would go crazy like this," Gilda said. She perched on the railing looking over the church. "I've met a lot of assholes, you know? But she's always been decent. She'd never go around killing ponies like this."

"Dark magic can do that," I said. "It warps your mind. It's like drinking. At first you feel powerful and giddy, and the more you use it, the more it uses you, until you can't live without it and you're a twisted wreck."

"But in an instant?" Gilda frowned.

"How do you know it was instant? Maybe she's been using it, just a little here and there. She's a criminal. She could do anything."

"She could, but she doesn't," Gilda said. "That's the point. Before I met her I..." Gilda trailed off. "Well, I wasn't quite as nice as I am now. And Maud killed ponies for a living. I still break the law, but there's the law and there's being a decent person. You're breaking the law right now, because you're a decent pony, you know?"

"She's a bad influence-" I started with my lecturing voice and stopped with a squeak of surprise as Gilda jumped at me. She was much bigger and stronger than I was, and some tiny, primitive part of me that remembered the time before civilization when primitive griffons would hunt caveponies just shut down my higher brain functions when she pinned me to the floor.

"Before I met Twilight, I'd have torn a pony like you apart," she said, leaning in closer. Her breath was hot against my neck.

"Gilda," I whispered. She ignored me, her weight pressing me down against the floor. With her wings spread out, she loomed over me, filling my perception. The edge of her beak trailed against my chin and I could feel her thigh against mine.

She looked into my eyes and I saw a hunger. She lowered her chest to mine, and just as our bodies pressed against each other, the universe proved it was merciful and cruel in equal measure and the bell on the tracking spell rang.

We broke away from each other and looked at the spell. Two of the strings were vibrating at the same time.

"I thought that only one was supposed to move," Gilda said.

"Yeah," I replied, my voice coming out as a squeak. I cleared my throat. "I mean, yeah. But they're both going at the same time. That means she can only be in one place." I looked at the map of the city. "Right here. Where the leylines cross. She must be right on top of the nexus."

It was snowing outside, which was good because I really needed a cold shower. The last thing I needed was to be distracted when I was trying to keep my sister from being burned alive or thrown off a cliff or whatever else Sunset would do to her.

The nexus itself was in a graveyard. I really should have expected that. When there was a nexus of leylines, ponies could feel it. Almost holy ground, but without the troublesome nature of actually worshiping anypony. They usually ended up as gardens or graveyards.

I could see something the color of a bruise through the snow, a bleed of color against the darkness.

"That must be her," Gilda whispered. "Got a plan?"

"We have to get closer to her," I said. "I can't see what she's doing."

"Any sign of Sunset?"

"Is everything on fire?"

"No."

"There's your answer," I muttered, creeping closer. The graveyard was ancient, which generally meant that the stones that hadn't worn away were as big as ponies and made for great cover. I ducked from one headstone to another, trying to get a look at what was going on at the center of the graveyard.

"Rise, my minions!" Twilight yelled, her voice holding a strange, deep echo, like she was at the bottom of a well. I felt the snow shift under my hooves as something below me dug its way towards the surface.

"Twilight, stop!" I yelled. "Necro-romance is illegal!"

"Well, it is, but I think you mean necromancy," Gilda retorted, as she stomped on a hoof that had broken through the permafrost.

"That's what I said," I hissed. "Twilight, come to your senses! This isn't like you!"

Twilight was floating a few inches above the ground, sickly purple light radiating from her entire body, like someone had drawn swirling patterns across her body. She turned to look at me with glowing eyes that didn't have a trace of pity in them.

As if by silent command, hold hooves wrapped around my legs, dragging me down to the ground as the skeletal undead pulled themselves up, jaws gnashing at the air.

"Don't do this!" I screamed. I had to find some way to get through to her. "It's me, Twily! Your BBBFF!"

I saw her expression flicker for a moment, and there was a strange sense of double-vision, like I was seeing two faces at the same time, one annoyed and imperial, the other distraught.

Then I knew Sunset Shimmer was there, because everything was abruptly on fire.

"Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" Sunset asked, as she walked through the flames. Zombies, already blazing, staggered towards her and were blasted backwards by bolts of fire, Sunset not even looking at them. The heat turned the snow falling around us into rain, though it didn't seem to be dousing the flames even slightly.

Twilight held a book in front of her, reading from the pages in some dark horror language that was probably illegal to speak in public. Just hearing it made my ears hurt.

Sunset stomped a hoof, and golden flames rushed out in a shockwave, throwing zombies back and freeing me from their grasp. Twilight staggered, almost dropping the book she was holding, but only almost. She sent a screaming surge of purple energy at Sunset, the bolt shaped like a yawning scull.

Sunset responded with a blast of solar fire, and I did the only thing I could think of and jumped between them, putting a shield around myself. The energy crackled around me, and my shield collapsed almost instantly under the strain, popping like a soap bubble. It wasn't enough to stop the blasts, but it redirected them, both of them curving as they hit my barrier. Twilight's surge of dark energy smashed into the ground and plowed out a crater as big as a house, Sunset's bolt flying into the sky and punching a wide hole through the clouds.

"Don't hurt her!" I yelled, trying to stay on my hooves. I was vaguely aware that my tail was on fire.

"You really don't know me very well," Sunset snorted. I was flung aside by telekinetic force and I saw her suddenly surge in speed, blurring as she ran to the book and grabbed it, kicking Twilight away with enough force that my sister went flying right into me. She smirked at us, then held up the book.

"You know what this is?" Sunset asked. "It's called Die Equuis Mysterius. Ancient book of terrible evil. More importantly, it's the only book in the world that I know of that doesn't just tell a pony how to become a lich, but was designed to be used as a phylactery, too."

"A what now?" I wheezed. Twilight squirmed, trying to get up. She shouted in a language I didn't understand, and I grabbed her, holding on.

Sunset tossed the book into the air. I saw Twilight freeze, following it with her eyes. Sunset spun around, charging a spell and launching it at the falling target, the book burning to ashes in a moment.

Twilight screamed, her body flashing so hot that I thought she was on fire for a moment. The purple energy leaking out of her body surged, tearing away from her and floating up as an indistinct shape, like a horribly ragged, emaciated equine.

Sunset traced her horn through the air, and a rune appeared floating in front of her. The ghostly shape screeched as it was drawn into the glowing shape, clawing at the air as it was sucked into the light and finally vanished entirely with a twinkle of cyan.

Twilight went limp and groaned.

"Where am I?" She asked, her voice back to normal.

"Stalliongrad," Sunset said. "And you're a very stupid mare, Twilight Sparkle. What were you thinking? Do you know how dangerous that book is?" She paused, then corrected herself. "Was."

"The last thing I remember, I was in the mausoleum, and we were starting to sort out the treasure, and then..." Her eyes went wide. "I remember now! I heard something in the coffin, and I opened it-"

"And you almost unleashed the shade of Hossputin the Terrible," Sunset said. "One of the most terrible black sorcerers in the world, and King Sombra's last direct descendant. Until you'd interrupted his beauty sleep and broke through the containment wards he'd been dead for almost seven hundred years."

"I didn't mean to..."

"No, you didn't," Sunset sighed. "You're just an idiot. And I know you got a tip that there was treasure in there. I want to know who pointed you there, understand?"

"Right," Twilight said, quietly.

"And no black magic, understand? Evil artifacts are dangerous. Here, have a pamphlet." She pulled a pamphlet titled 'Books, Altars, and Masks - why things should stay buried'. Twilight started looking through it, still dazed.

"You carry pamphlets?" I asked, quietly.

"It's easier than giving the speech," Sunset said. "Do you know how many ancient artifacts get dug up in Equestria every year? Most of them are broken or evil. Nopony's really at fault, but ponies get hurt. It's important that if you find an ancient tomb or dig up something unusual in your garden that you contact a registered Magus to examine it for enchantments or curses. Unless it's a mirror. Just shatter those. Bloody things."

"...You're not going to kill her?" I asked, not sure of my assumptions anymore.

"Of course not," Sunset scoffed. "She's a victim, mostly of her own stupidity, but still a victim. I know she's a thief or whatever, but it's not my job to care about that." She cast a spell and nodded to herself. "She doesn't seem to have any lingering curses or enchantments, so she'll be fine with some bed rest. Might have a few nightmares, but as long as she stays away from evil grimores I don't think there's any reason to drag her to Canterlot."

"I thought you were going to hurt her," I muttered.

"I was here to stop ancient evil from taking hold. Phylactery destroyed, demilich cast into the shadow realm, I think job's done." Sunset nodded to herself and looked around. "Best thing is that all the zombies went with him."

"Twilight!" Gilda yelled, landing next to her and checking on her. "I was scared you'd..." She took a deep breath and looked at me and Sunset. "Thanks. I mean it."

"We made a pretty good team," I offered, smiling a little.

"Yeah," Gilda said, looking away. I saw the blush on her cheeks. "Look, uh, if you ever want to-"

"Okay, wow," Sunset sighed. "None of that. Come on, Captain Armor. I'd better get you home. Cadance won't be happy if you come down with the bird flu. I'll pick up the tab on the ticket since you were a bit of a help."

"Bird flu?" Twilight asked, sounding dizzy.

"Nothing!" I said loudly, then turned to Sunset and whispered, hissing with anger. "Were you watching me?!"

"Of course I was," Sunset smiled. "Nopony is better at finding Twilight Sparkle. Did you really think that fake clue would throw me off the trail?"

"Well..."

"I won't tell Cadance about what almost happened," Sunset assured me, patting my cheek like I was a foal. "It's not my business. Not that I think she'd care, except that she'd be upset she wasn't invited to the party."

"Nothing almost happened," I said, quickly.

"Good, stick with that story," Sunset advised. "You two are free to go. I'd advise leaving before Captain Armor is in an arresting mood. Have a nice day, stay away from dark magic. It's not worth it. It never was."

"...And then I came back to Canterlot," Shining Armor finished. Celestia's expression was unreadable.

"You know, I got a similar report from Sunset Shimmer not too long ago," Celestia said, after a few uncomfortable minutes of watching Shining Armor standing at attention. "She didn't mention you were there at all."

"She didn't?"

"I don't think she wanted you to get reprimanded," Celestia noted. "Or you could say she didn't want to share the credit, if you have a more cynical view of things."

"I didn't feel right not telling you, Princess," Shining Armor said.

"And that's what I admire most about you," Celestia smiled. "I'm impressed by your integrity."

"I'm sorry I didn't arrest either criminal when I had the chance," Shining Armor said.

"Captain, you should never apologize for having a heart," Celestia said. "I think it's safe to say both of them learned their lesson. The real criminal is whomever sent Twilight after that cursed tome in the first place, and Sunset Shimmer is already tracking them down."

"But Twilight..." Shining Armor looked at his hooves. "Sunset was right. I've been useless at trying to stop her."

"Everypony has their place," Celestia said. "Guard Captains, Grand Maguses, even criminals and thieves. I have a very special place in mind for your sister."

"Does it include bars and parole hearings?" I asked.

"We shall see, Captain Armor," Celestia noted. "Now, I believe Cadance wanted to have a chat with you. Something about the birds and the bees. Don't let me detain you."

Author's Notes:

Captain Armor, unfortunately, often has to act without all the information he'd like to have. He's actually quite good at his job, given the restrictions he works under. Sometimes it almost seems like Princess Celestia is deliberately making his job more difficult, but that couldn't possibly be true.

Sunset Shimmer has of course spent the last few years [REDACTED]

And that should answer all of your questions.

Next Time: Twilight goes to prison! Can things get any worse? Of course they can!

Lethe Part One! - Descent Into The Underworld

A lot of ponies don't know the difference between jail and prison. Many aren't aware there's even a difference at all. Equestria, in general, doesn't have much of a criminal problem. Most Royal Guards and local police officers never see a crime more severe than petty theft or assault, and murder of any sort is so rare that it's less common a cause of death than lightning strike or shark attack (though with pegasi involved the statistics get muddled because lightning bolts get used as weapons).

Jails are for minor crimes and short sentences, which tend to go together. They're run by local law enforcement, vary wildly in their conditions, and would never be able to hold a mare like Twilight Sparkle unless she wanted to spend the night there instead of paying for a hotel room.

Prisons, on the other hoof, are for serious offenses. Ponies that will spend years behind bars. Ponies that have to be away from the herd. There are only three real prisons in Equestria. There was one in Canterlot, one in Stalliongrad, and one on a small island offshore of Manehattan. Ponies generally agreed that the Canterlot prison was nicer than the Manehattan. It was difficult to compare either to the Stalliongrad prison, which very few ponies left and none ever talked about.

Twilight looked up at a concrete ceiling. Her head was pounding. Part of that was from all the gin, and part of it was from the restraining ring around her horn. The combination of the two made it feel like a vice was slowly squeezing her temples and her skull was threatening to split down the middle at any moment.

"I can't believe it, years of chasing you and you end up getting locked up for public intoxication," Shining Armor scoffed, from the barred door. Twilight rolled over on the thin, uncomfortable cot and sat up to look at him.

"Hey, bro," she said, weakly. The sound of her own voice was painful. "I don't suppose I can get some aspirin?"

"Usually I'd tell a criminal to deal with it, but since I'm in such a good mood," Shining Armor pulled a bottle from one of the pouches in his armor, and rolled it through the bars. "Here. All yours. Might as well have you looking bright and chipper for the train to Canterlot."

"Thanks," Twilight said, with honest gratitude. She opened the bottle with her teeth and drank right from the faucet, downing a half dozen pills. It was a bad headache.

"This is what always happens to criminals," Shining Armor said. "You get careless. The law doesn't. The Royal Guard's greatest weapon is discipline. Discipline and unwavering dedication. Two greatest weapons."

"Shiny, it is way too early for a speech about morality," Twilight rolled her eyes.

"It's ten in the morning."

"Exactly! Morning!" Twilight huffed. "See, the best thing about a life of crime is that you generally don't have to get up before noon."

"Well you're going to have a lot of early mornings in prison," Shining Armor said. "I think a year or two in solitary would do you some good. Maybe if you ask nicely I'll make sure the guards get you new books every day."

"Oh yes, I hear that lots of ponies get their degrees in prison," Twilight said. "Very popular, since there's not much else to do."

"You could learn a useful job, like..." Shining Armor hesitated. "Well, not accounting. Nothing in government either. Teaching?"

"Oh, I'd just be a wonderful influence on foals," Twilight smiled.

"Not teaching," Shining muttered.

"If I was ever going to go straight, I'd go into research," Twilight said, sitting back down on the bed and juggling the pill bottle. "Something where I didn't have to keep regular hours."

"At least then I could talk about you in public," Shining Armor sighed. Twilight slowed and stopped, catching the pill bottle and putting it aside. "Do you know how hard it is being in the Royal Guard when your sister is the most famous criminal in the civilized world?"

"Mom's proud of me," Twilight said, quietly.

"Of course she is. She'd be proud of you no matter what you did. That's what parents are supposed to do. She's just lucky the statute of limitations is up on half the stories she tells about when she was your age." He leaned against the door. Twilight hadn't seen him like this before. He seemed tired, inside and out.

"Maybe you should take a vacation," Twilight said.

"Why, are you worried I'll get hurt when you try and escape?" Shining Armor stood up, adjusting his uniform to make sure it was hanging perfectly straight. "I'm watching you, Twilight. You won't get out of it this time. And I don't need a vacation! Why are ponies always saying that?!"

"She's in prison!" Rarity said, cheeks red. "You have to do something!"

"Twilight told us to keep away from it this time." Gilda shrugged, polishing the disassembled parts of her crossbow. "I don't know what her plan is, but she thinks we'd be in the way."

"Her plan? She wanted to go to prison?" Rarity frowned.

"Not prison," Maud corrected, from where she was meditating in the corner, surrounded by a semicircle of rocks. "Technically, it's a local jail. She's being transferred to Canterlot Prison on the 3:10 train."

"Why, though?" Rarity asked, sitting down. Her panic had started to subside, and curiosity quickly replaced it. "Don't tell me she's feeling guilty about stealing a few bits."

"Don't be stupid," Gilda snorted. "She got herself put in jail because there's something she wants in there. Or really, somepony."

"And Twilight was willing to risk being locked up for him?" Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Maybe I should be jealous."

Twilight fiddled with the restraining ring around her horn. It wasn't a standard police model. It was newer, fancier, and made her wonder just where Shining Armor had gotten it. Given how few firms produced decent horn restraints, it was even odds on it being military special issue or some kind of fetish shop.

The lock felt good. It had that perfect fit and close tolerance that you'd want from a lock, not giving her enough leeway to work the ring over her horn. She was sure she could pick it, but doing it with just her hooves would be impossible. Shining Armor had been embarrassingly detailed with his search and had found the pick hidden in her mane. And the one in her tail.

Not that she couldn't get it off if she really wanted - she could see at least three things just in the cell that she could use to work the mechanism, and she wasn't even desperate enough to try anything crazy yet.

She stopped when she heard hoofsteps. Shining Armor looked in the cell and seemed almost surprised that she was still there.

"Time to go." He held up hoofcuffs and leg irons.

"Wow, you're really going to use all that on your own sister?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "You must have one kinky relationship with your marefriend. Or coltfriend. I don't judge."

"I don't trust you enough to walk there on your own, so you're going to be carried. Even Hoofdini couldn't get out of these."

"This is ridiculous," Rarity fumed. "I should be making money, not waiting in a hotel room for Twilight to break herself out of jail."

"No one is keeping you here," Maud noted. "Do you want something to eat?" She offered a container of rice and sauce to Rarity.

"I still can't believe there was a Saddle Arabian place around the corner," Gilda said. "I guess this town really has taken off."

"It's not authentic," Rarity mumbled. "There aren't apples in authentic Saddle Arabian curry."

"So? It's still good, and it's got a decent kick to it," Gilda said.

"I'll go down there and break her out myself," Rarity said, standing up. She got to the door before she stopped. "Aren't you going to stop me and tell me it's an awful idea?"

"I thought you were smart enough to do that part yourself," Maud said, quietly.

"Sometimes when Twilight is doing something stupid I feel like I can't help but make bad decisions too," Rarity admitted, slumping back down in the chair. After a few moments she took some of the curry. "...It's not that bad, I suppose."

Twilight waited for the train to come in, humming to herself. She was surrounded by guards. She idly made plans on how to escape, if she'd wanted to escape. She couldn't take down four grown stallions in hoof-to-hoof combat while hoofcuffed, and her magic was restrained, so she'd have to get creative. Wait until the train was almost there, pretend to slip and fall onto the tracks, let the train roll over the loose loop of chain without getting crushed herself, then try and escape in the confusion.

It would probably work. The dangerous part would be getting away without hurting anypony. The guards were only doing their jobs, after all. They'd been generally decent. The ones at the jail hadn't even spat in her breakfast, and they'd been polite when they spoke to her. Being arrested in Equestria was nice, much better than the time she'd gotten caught in Zebrica - for some reason they seemed upset she'd stolen three supposedly sacred rocks, and a cult had gotten involved, and the whole thing ended up being a mess.

Shining Armor was watching her critically, with an expression that said he was just waiting for something to go wrong.

"I think we're drawing a crowd," Twilight noted, without looking around. The platform was filling up, most of the ponies there just to look at her.

"She might have accomplices in the crowd," Shining Armor whispered. "Keep your eyes open."

"Or they might have stolen the train," Twilight noted. "Boarded it, replaced everypony on board, and they'll take me away to Mexiburro as soon as you look away."

"...Inspect the train, too," Shining Armor ordered.

Twilight laughed at that. "Really? Shiny, it's on rails. Do you think they're going to make it jump the tracks and ride along off-road until we get to the border?"

"Maybe," Shining Armor said. "I can't take any chances."

"Wow, you were a lot more fun when we were foals," Twilight sighed. "Did they suck all the fun out of you when you got promoted, or was there some invasive brain surgery during basic training?"

"Is she a criminal?" Asked a nearby foal. They were at that age when it was basically impossible to tell if they were a colt or a filly at a glance.

"Yes," Shining Armor said, shortly. He wasn't good with foals. For one thing, he couldn't put them in prison.

"What did she do?" the foal asked.

"I didn't do my homework," Twilight said, before Shining Armor could answer. "And I didn't wash my hooves before eating!"

"You can go to jail for that?!" The foal gasped and bolted, running away to some maths homework which had abruptly become very, very important. Almost as important as washing his hooves.

"You shouldn't have said that," Shining Armor mumbled.

"Please. It would have taken all day if I'd tried to list everything I'd ever done." Twilight laughed. Shining Armor grunted, though she couldn't tell if it was in agreement or annoyance. Probably both. "Besides, homework is important. I wouldn't be nearly as good as I am if I didn't study my flank off."

Twilight watched passively as the train pulled up to the station. The front car had been marked with reserved signs across all the doors.

"You booked the whole first-class section for me?" Twilight asked, surprised. "I should get caught more often. Usually I have to ride coach!"

"It was just too easy," Shining Armor said, pacing back and forth. Celestia watched him, more amused than anything else. For him, catching Twilight Sparkle and actually getting her all the way to prison without something untoward happening to let her go was the most important thing to happen in his entire career. That thought tempered Celestia's amusement with a note of melancholy. Nopony should have to lock up their own sister.

"Perhaps she was merely ready to give up her life of crime," Celestia suggested. She didn't believe it for a moment, but somepony had to say it.

"There has to be some kind of angle. Maybe she's trying to break into the prison storage? There are all sorts of things in there..."

"Very few of which are of any value," Celestia noted. "Just personal belongings of ponies being held in prison. Anything dangerous is confiscated. You know that, Captain."

"I got it!" Shining Armor gasped. "There must be a treasure map, or a secret code! I'll assign a division of my most trusted officers to go over everything in detail."

"...That seems prudent," Celestia said, very carefully not sounding sarcastic at all. She rolled her eyes while his back was turned, and looked over at a pile of tax forms, wondering how long she had to let him talk before it would be socially acceptable to simply ask him to leave.

"And I'll have the whole guard doubled," Shining Armor noted, talking to himself now. "Maybe activate some of the reserves..."

"In perpetuity?" Celestia tilted her head. "Are you going to keep the guard doubled for however many years Twilight is housed in prison? Shining Armor, I'm afraid I couldn't allow that."

"But, Princess..." Shining Armor looked afraid. "She's going to try and escape! I just know it!"

"All prisoners try to escape," Celestia said. "It's part of the natural order of things. We'll keep a close eye on her until after her trial, but then things must be business as usual. There can be no favoritism for relatives, after all."

Twilight had never seen Canterlot Prison in person before. From the outside, it was unassuming. If anything, it looked mostly like a bank. She wasn't sure how much of that was because of the historically-protected architecture of Canterlot (over the years the zoning laws had become more and more strict until even new buildings had to match the Old Unicornian style of the historical district). It hadn't been designed for really awful criminals, after all.

Among the criminal underground there was a general feeling that Canterlot was little more than a resort for white-collar criminals. As Twilight was led through the receiving entrance, escorted by half a dozen armed guards, she could see why.

"This place is nicer than my summer home in Veneighs!" Twilight looked around the marble floors and tall columns. "You've got a bloody fountain and enough potted plants to start an arboretum!"

"Well of course, Miss Sparkle," said a placid voice. Twilight turned and saw a blue mare walking towards her, her cutie mark a dove flying across the sun with a hoof reaching towards it. "My name is Doctor Noel. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Sure," Twilight said, looking around and ignoring the outstretched hoof. "This isn't exactly what I was expecting."

"Of course. Most ponies think that we'd have some sort of dungeon," Noel said, gesturing for the guards to follow her. They prodded Twilight along with them. "That would hardly do any good. We'd just end up with traumatized ponies who would years of therapy to undo the harm."

Twilight half-listened. She could see a dozen ways to escape. They had to be bribing criminals to stay. Maybe it was cheaper to just give ponies three meals a day and a roof over their heads and pay them to stay put than to build a real prison and hire guards.

"Princess Celestia has always said that it's better to make a new friend than to defeat an enemy," Noel continued. "And that's our goal here. It pains me to think of how much Equestria has lost because ponies of talent, like you, Twilight, have squandered themselves on antisocial pursuits."

"Please. I think I've ended up doing more good than bad," Twilight scoffed. "My grandmother had a saying - 'never try and scam an honest pony'. They get hurt if you do, and it's easier to find a dishonest one anyway."

"Interesting," Noel said, her ears perking up. "And how many times have you tricked your brother, Captain Shining Armor?"

"It doesn't count if they're not a civilian. Besides, I've never stolen anything from him."

"I think he'd argue that you've hurt him more than anypony you've ever stolen from," Noel said, her voice still placid. "By the time you leave here you'll be a pony he can be proud to call his sister."

"Good luck with that," Twilight snorted.

"We don't need luck," Noel said. "Technique is much more reliable. This will be your room." She stopped outside of a door. It didn't look like it could stop a determined foal, much less Twilight. "Unfortunately, you'll have to continue wearing the magical suppressor ring. Perhaps in a few months, if you show good behavior, we can discuss removing it."

She looked inside. It was more like a cheap hotel room than anything else. Well-lit, clean, bright colors. No window, but it wouldn't have surprised her to find that a little glass was all that stood between her and freedom.

"What, not sharing bunks with anyone?"

"Having personal space can help with rehabilitation," Noel replied, ushering her inside. "If you make friends, we can evaluate allowing you to share a room, as long as it's a positive relationship."

"Great," Twilight snorted. She wasn't going to point out the number of ways she'd be able to leave. No point in making things more difficult for herself later.

"Since you're being admitted today, a meal will be delivered to your room later, along with your schedule for tomorrow. Please try to rest and settle in. Given your record, you will be with us for a long time."

The door closed, and Twilight was left alone, trying to resist the impulse to simply walk out. She sat down on the bed and whistled to herself, with a tune she'd forgotten for the better part of a decade, and the first days she'd been on the run.

Twilight had come to Phillydelphia largely because it was the end of the line, rather than because it was where she wanted to be. She'd escaped from Canterlot with a rare book, a few bits, and a fake name. It felt good. She felt alive and focused, making her own decisions with no one to answer to except her wits. Being on the run was freeing, in a way. No grades or reports or tests, just her own wits against the world.

She also felt, as she looked at her small purse, that she wouldn't be able to afford more than a toast sandwich and a cup of water if she wanted to be able to get a hotel room.

Twilight walked through the streets, looking for inspiration. To a clever filly, the world was full of ways to make money. She might have to - and this thought made her feel sick - earn money honestly. A regular job might well kill her, at least inside where it really counted. Retail just did that to ponies. It'd be good cover, though, and give her time to plan something larger. It didn't solve the problem of her growling stomach, though.

That was when she heard the music. The sad, soft, deep sound of a cello. Twilight followed it into town square.

A grey earth pony was playing in front of a cafe. Twilight wasn't sure what impressed her more - that she was able to play the difficult instrument without the aid of magic, or that she'd managed to make a few bits in the process. Her cello case was in front of her, gold coins gleaming from within. Twilight was almost tempted to nab a few.

"You know, the rule is that if a busker is good enough to make you stop and listen, you owe them a bit," the mare said, without looking at Twilight, not stopping her playing. She had a Trottingham accent, just enough to make her sound sophisticated even though she was playing on the street.

"Sorry, but you've already got more bits than I do," Twilight said. She waited and watched. As ponies walked past, some would take out a pouch of bits and toss one to the mare. They also, in the process, let Twilight know that they had money and where they kept it.

Within a few minutes, Twilight had a second pouch of bits in her saddlebags.

"That was a rubbish pull," the cello-playing mare noted, once they were alone again, the stream of passing ponies dwindling to nothing. Twilight felt her cheeks burn. "If you're going to be a bad thief, go somewhere else."

"That was textbook perfect!" Twilight hissed, trying to keep her voice down.

"Then you've been reading rubbish textbooks," the mare said. She finished the song she was playing and started packing up. "Were they written by guards who wanted pickpockets to get caught?"

"I won't get caught," Twilight muttered.

"I caught you," the mare pointed out. "Maybe I should turn you in."

Twilight weighed the pouch. "I'll buy you dinner if you pretend you don't know where the money came from."

"Ah," the mare smiled. "Smarter than you look, though that's not saying much. Come along, then. I expect you found enough to at least buy me something from Hayburger Princess."

Twilight looked at the schedule as she was gently escorted to breakfast. Apparently she only rated one guard since she hadn't tried to escape during the middle of the night, not that she could after a meal with oat sausages, gravy, and mashed potatoes. The prison cooks weren't bad. Not on the level of an actual restaurant, but certainly better than the average cafeteria.

She was considerably more disappointed by breakfast. Fresh fruit and some kind of mix of oats and nuts that was popular only with people who were rich enough to afford to eat poorly. It had the sort of roasted grain clusters that would cut up the inside of your mouth enough to really wake you up and a ton of fiber to make your doctor (and plumber) happy.

Twilight looked around the room and smiled as her eyes settled on a grey mare with a black mane. She casually trotted over and sat down across from her, enjoying the look of surprise she got.

"What's a pretty mare like you doing in a dump like this?" Twilight asked, winking.

Twilight hadn't eaten at Hayburger Princess when she was in Canterlot. The food was all grease and salt and probably so far from being fresh ingredients that they couldn't set up a farmer's market within a hundred yards. And despite all that, it was delicious.

"You've got something on your..." the mare hesitated, tilting her head. "Everywhere."

"That was amazing!" Twilight gasped. she grabbed a bundle of napkins and cleaned her face off. "How was that so good?"

"There's a story behind it," the grey mare said. "When the first Hayburger Princess opened, they were dedicated to using the best, freshest ingredients. They made their burgers on a wood-fired grill and it was just like the kind of burger your parents might make in the summer, all year round, any time you wanted.

"They lost money, of course," she continued. "The margins were low, and fresh ingredients mean that more gets thrown out. Everything was good, but it was only the kind of good anypony could do if they went to the market and got a few things.

"That's the kind of limit you can hit with honesty. It only goes so far - you can only have so many fresh, perfect tomatoes. So many bakery-made buns. And because it's honest, anypony can replicate it. It failed, and my grandfather bought the rights, and a new idea.

"You don't need to use perfect, fresh ingredients. You can use salt and fat and grease and chemicals that belong in an alchemy lab instead of a kitchen and you end up with something that is totally fake in every way, but tastes better than the finest ingredients."

"A fake that's more authentic than the real thing," Twilight mumbled.

"It's not like the ponies who eat here don't know," the mare noted. "They're well aware of what they're eating, at least in general. It would take a team of experts with very expensive lab equipment to get to the specifics."

"It almost seems like cheating," Twilight said.

"Well, a con artist learns to make glass sparkle even more than a diamond," the mare said. She had a pouch of bits in her hoof. Twilight's pouch. Or at least the one she'd stolen.

"Hey!" Twilight blushed. "How did you-"

"I grabbed it while you were distracted cleaning your face," the mare said. "Never get distracted when you know you're sitting with a thief."

"Well if you're going to take all of those, there had better be a lot more lessons than that," Twilight grumbled.

"Not going to try and take it back from me?"

"Not while you're expecting it," Twilight said.

"Good. You're not as dumb as you look," the mare said. She reached out a hoof to shake. "Octavia Philharmonica."

"Twilight, what in Tartarus are you doing in a place like this?" Octavia hissed, trying very hard not to make a scene.

"Oh, you know how it is. One thing leads to another," Twilight said. "Like hearing that an old friend is in jail and getting yourself put in irons just so you can say hello."

"That's stupid," Octavia snorted.

"Not as stupid as getting caught unintentionally. You, getting caught picking pockets? What happened? When I heard you got caught I gave it a couple of weeks to give you a chance to escape on your own, and now I'm thinking you've barely even tried."

"Maybe I'm getting sloppy in my old age," Octavia mumbled.

"...You're doing this for some stupid reason, aren't you?" Twilight asked. It wasn't really a question. She knew all about stupid reasons. She was in jail because she had a stupid reason.

"I... let myself get caught," Octavia said. "It was better than the alternative."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that when you're in love, you take the fall for your marefriend," Octavia said, sharply.

"Oh," Twilight said, understanding dawning like Celestia's sun. "You fell in love. You! I didn't think I'd see the day that the most cynical pony in the world started to care about somepony."

"She's special," Octavia whispered, looking down at her food. "I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"You'd be surprised. Now let's get you out of here so you two can bang and I can get back to doing something important and illegal."

"It's impossible to escape," Octavia muttered.

"Nothing's impossible. We just need a plan."

"It looks like she's already made a friend," Doctor Noel noted, as she watched Twilight from her office. The entire building was on display, scrying spells projecting images of the complex onto the walls around her.

"Captain Armor filed another request for additional security to be placed on her," her assistant noted. Noel nodded.

"I expected as much. It's unnecessary. No pony has ever escaped, and no pony ever will. The enchantments see to that." Noel smiled. "I think it should be interesting to see her attempt it."

"Apparently I have therapy scheduled after this," Twilight noted. "What's up with that? I don't need therapy."

Octavia shivered. "When they say therapy they mean..." She stopped and swallowed. "You'll see. It's impossible to describe if you haven't experienced it."

"You make that sound real ominous."

"Twilight," Octavia said, meeting her eyes. "Don't underestimate this place. It's not some nice little happy hotel where they ask you nicely to stop stealing. They built this place to break ponies down into nothing and then put something else behind their eyes! Look at her."

Octavia nodded to another table. A pegasus mare there was looking at her food curiously, like she'd never seen it before.

"A month ago she was embezzling hundreds of thousands from an investment firm. She was a bitter, angry mare who spat at the guards and tried to escape through her window."

Twilight watched the pegasus poke at a banana and try to eat it whole, like an apple, until an orderly came over to help her peel it.

"She had an intense... therapy session after that," Octavia said. "Now she's like a foal. It took her three days just to remember her name. Look at her cutie mark."

Twilight sat up to see what Octavia was talking about. It took a moment for what she was seeing to sink in. The mare's flank was totally blank, like a filly who hadn't found her talent yet.

Twilight shivered, not liking those implications. When she looked around the room she could see a lot of half-vanished cutie marks, fading away like old mane dye. "You seem to be holding yourself together, though."

"For now," Octavia whispered. "It's not easy. Not when they can get inside you and... do things."

A bell rang, interrupting Twilight before she could ask what kind of things Octavia meant. A hoof on her shoulder and a look at the guard who'd grabbed her made her feel like she was going to find out soon enough.

"We're going to be taking things easy with our first session, Twilight," Doctor Noel said.

"Great but, uh, I don't think this is really traditional therapy," Twilight said. She'd been encouraged (very strongly, by very forceful orderlies) to sit in what looked like a dentist's chair. The moment she'd done so, some kind of spell had kicked in and she hadn't been able to get back up. All she could do was look up at the mirror on the ceiling.

"It's something new we've been working on for a few years. Not quite ready to show the Princess, but once we've used it to rehabilitate you, I think she'll be very pleased." Twilight could just see Noel doing something with a bank of crystals and buttons.

"What's all this do?" Twilight tried to make her hooves wiggle, or at least turn her head. Nothing was working.

"Your file does say that you're quite intelligent. Perhaps you'll appreciate it." Noel touched something, and the light in the room changed. "The chair itself has a minor paralyzation spell. It's much safer than restraints."

"I figured that out. What worries me is that restraints are needed."

"The second effect," Noel said. "Is a simple enchantment that tells me if you're being truthful or lying. For example, tell me what you had for breakfast."

"Cereal. I don't know what it's called. The stuff from Prance that's all hard grains. It really needed yogurt or something."

"And you even answered with the truth. Very encouraging." Noel smiled. "Some of our guests try to lie about even the smallest things just to feel like they have control. It's not conductive to the healing environment we try to encourage."

"Why lie about breakfast? It's not like you don't know what's on the menu anyway."

"I agree. You know, I'm glad you're a polite, sensible mare. Once we scrub away all those impulses to steal, perhaps we'll become friends." Noel stepped next to the chair, looking up to meet Twilight's fixed gaze. "And of course the real heart of the therapy is that. The Aurora Mirror. It lets me open up your mind like a book."

"Mind reading is illegal."

"Nothing is illegal if the Princess does it," Noel said. "Haven't you ever heard that phrase? And I'm working for the Princess. We just need a few real success stories before I can bring this to her for final approval."

"I'm pretty sure we don't need this," Twilight said. "How about we just talk about my relationship with my parents, or something? Maybe in a different room that's not full of dark magic."

"Don't be silly. It wouldn't be nearly as effective." Noel stepped away, back to the controls. "The best thing about this method is that, just like a book, we can make a few edits. Please stay calm. There may be a sensation of cold, heat, or extreme pain."

Author's Notes:

I wonder if I can use this technique to get more upvotes. Let's give it a shot! Everyone just lie back, and when we're finished you won't even need other fics.

Next Time: Everypony is a happy, productive member of society. Don't you want to be happy too? Let's just get rid of all those negative impulses...

Lethe Part Two! - A Moment of Silence

Twilight stared at the ceiling. She was on her bed. A meal was sitting on the floor. She couldn't remember much between sitting in the chair and being here. It wasn't like she'd fallen asleep and woken up. She'd been awake the whole time. The memory was just slipping away from her, like a dream. She could feel the details crumbling like a sandcastle in the tide. She'd been carried here, hadn't she? Had she walked? There was something wrong, like she only existed right now, in this moment, and that the past was becoming smeared and blurred and unreal.

It was a few minutes before she could stand. She felt like her legs should be weak and shaking, but they were fine. She was fine. Everything was... fine.

She felt flat.

Twilight sat down in front of the food, just looking at it. She knew the best thing would be to just eat and go to sleep and try to feel better in the morning. It would be the safe thing.

Emotions surged from somewhere deep inside her. She grabbed the tray and threw it against the wall, splattering food everywhere.

"I'm done with this place!" Twilight yelled. She grabbed a fork from her tray and started working on the lock on her suppressor ring. Her hooves were shaking as she tried to pick it.

The door opened, and two orderlies stepped in. Doctor Noel stayed just beyond the door, watching.

"Twilight, please calm down. If you get overly excited you might end up hurting yourself." Noel's tone was almost hypnotic. "We all just want to help you. You know that."

"I don't need help!" Twilight yelled. "I'm happy with who I am!"

"You're only happy because you don't know better," Noel said. "You could be part of society. You could have real friends. You could have a life where you don't have to steal and hurt others."

"I have friends."

"And maybe someday they'll be lucky enough to come here and be healed," Noel smiled. "You haven't told me much about them during our sessions. I look forward to learning their names."

"Sessions? What are you talking about? I've only been here for two days!"

"Two days?" Noel laughed. "You always say that after we meet. Twilight, you've been here for more than a month." She gestured to the two guards. "Bring her to the Aurora Mirror. I think we're close to a breakthrough."

It was a beautiful day in Equestria. Twilight Sparkle walked along the corridors of Canterlot Castle and stopped, looking out over the country. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Everything was in order, the weather ticking along like a clock to precise beats.

Today she was going to take private lessons with Sunset Shimmer, the Grand Magus of Equestria. It was a great honor, but Twilight had proven herself worthy of it, though she was somewhat fuzzy on exactly how. It wasn't important, of course. The important thing is that she was happy, and respected, and ponies liked her.

She walked up the long tower, the same view of the countryside visible in every window, and got to Sunset's chambers. The door opened as she arrived, the Magus having expected her.

"Hello, Twilight," Sunset, one of her best friends, said. "Today we'll be working on healing magic."

"Healing magic?" Twilight asked. "Why?"

"Because it helps ponies. That's what I do. I help ponies. You could do that too."

"What?" Twilight frowned. "But you're really good with... fire magic." She struggled to remember why.

"That sounds very dangerous. It would be better to learn something else," Sunset said.

"No, I know you're an expert in pyromancy," Twilight said. "I saw it. You blew up all those zombies, and there was fire everywhere, and you made me read a pamphlet-"

Twilight felt everything start to fade around her. The universe collapsed.

"That was a stroke of bad luck," Doctor Noel said, as she filled out the report. For her own use, of course. They were kept under very strict lock and key, along with all the other failed sessions. "The Aurora Mirror is a powerful tool for good, but we're still learning how to use it. I wasn't aware she'd actually met the Grand Magus."

"Yes, Ma'am," her assistant said, dutifully. She was a white mare with a blue mane. She'd had a cutie mark at one point, in another life that she couldn't recall now. A few sessions with the Aurora Mirror had broken her, and now she was a perfect secretary.

"We're definitely starting to get somewhere, though," Noel noted. "She wasn't able to get the suppressor ring off this time. The conditioning is taking effect."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Were there any messages while I was busy?"

"There was another letter from Captain Shining Armor. He's demanding to see his sister."

"The usual threats?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Then just send the same form letter. She is not allowed visitors at this time." Noel finished her paperwork and filed it away.

Twilight sat down heavily at the table in the prison cafeteria. She didn't even look at her food.

"You look like Tartarus," Octavia muttered, with her usual diplomatic tone, in the sense that diplomacy occasionally involved going to war.

"This was supposed to be an easy job," Twilight said. "Get in, get you out, call it a day."

"Yes, well, things aren't that easy," Octavia said. "I already told you, even if I wanted to leave, I can't. I have to take the blame for this."

"How long do you think you can keep that up?" Twilight asked. "Sooner or later they'll pull her name out of you. And if they don't, it's going to be because you won't remember who she is."

"It's hopeless," Octavia whispered.

"I've got a plan," Twilight said. "But I need your help. If you don't help, you're going to end up like that-" Twilight pointed to a blank-flanked mare across the room, who was currently trying to make a sand castle out of mashed potatoes. "You either fight on the outside or die on the inside."

"Fine, tell me about your plan. It won't work, but maybe I can keep you from getting yourself killed."

"I need to get this ring off my horn," Twilight said. "I can't do it myself. Every time I try, my hooves start shaking. But I bet they haven't made it so you can't pick a restraining ring."

"Then what?" Octavia asked. "Are you going to try and fight your way out of here past the entire Royal Guard?"

"Well I'll be able to come up with a better plan once I don't have this bucking headache, but we'll keep fighting the entire Royal Guard as a plan B," Twilight said, flatly. "Now stand up and look offended like I just called you a DIRTY MUD PONY!"

Octavia shot to her hooves. "How dare you call me that! I was classically trained!" She jumped over the table at Twilight, knocking their trays to the floor and grabbing a fork. The inmates around them stood up to watch, crowding around and delaying the guards.

Twilight rolled Octavia with her, under the table. The fork was bent against the floor in a single motion, leaving one tine free. Octavia jammed it into the tiny lock and worked at it for a few moments, kicking the table a few times to make sure it still looked like they were fighting. The pressure against Twilight's horn suddenly released, like the air being let out of a balloon.

Octavia reached for it, and Twilight grabbed her hoof.

"Leave it," she whispered. "If they see it's off they'll just put another one on!"

Octavia nodded, and the guards finally arrived, pulling the two apart and dragging them out from under the table.

"Miss Sparkle," Doctor Noel said, her voice silencing the throng of prisoners. "I thought we were making progress. Bring her to the Mirror. We need to... discuss recent events."

Octavia watched with worry as Twilight was dragged off, the unicorn not bothering to resist.

Twilight grunted as guards pushed her into the chair and left the room. Once again, she couldn't move anything except her mouth, which was fine since her mouth had always been one of her greatest weapons, right after her brain and, possibly, her cute flank.

"You know, you could make this thing more... what's the word... airgodynamic?"

"Ergonomic," Noel corrected. "I'll take that into consideration. Thank you for the feedback."

"It really makes my back sore after a while. Well, that and the drilling into my brain with an auger made of ice." Twilight paused. "You know what? Let's try something different. How about you sit in the chair, and I'll push the buttons."

"I don't think that will help with your therapy," Noel said, raising an eyebrow.

"Actually, it'd make me feel a lot better." Twilight's horn blared with pink light and she rolled off of the chair. Or, more accurately, she used her magic to peel herself from it like a spatula peels a pancake from a frying pan.

Noel opened her mouth to scream for the guards. Twilight cast a bubble of silence around the room, then did something she'd wanted to do for hours. She punched Noel in the snout hard enough to break something. Noel's blue coat was splattered with twin rivers of red and she had no chance of concentrating enough to cast a spell and stop what happened next.

In the unnatural silence, where the only thing either of them could hear was the beating of their own hearts, Twilight grabbed Noel and shoved her onto the chair, the doctor going limp as the enchantment took hold and paralyzed her. Twilight took the restraining ring off of her horn and slipped it over Noel's, locking it securely.

Noel looked at her, terrified and in pain. Twilight looked up at the Aurora Mirror. She walked over to the controls and pressed a few buttons at random. Noel's eyes went wide. Twilight waved goodbye and walked to the door, throwing magical bolts at the two stallions there.
Noel stared up at the mirror, looking into her own reflection in the magically-perfect silence.

Octavia sat in her room, staring at the wall. There was a violin next to her - not her favorite instrument, and it sounded and felt like it was made of balsa wood, but she could play it well enough. She'd been trying to play ever since she was forcibly returned to her cell for fighting, and the inspiration just hadn't come.

There was a knock on the door. Octavia stood up, and after a moment's hesitation, picked up the violin by the neck, brandishing it like a club.

"Twilight was right about one thing," she muttered. "If I just play nice and wait around, I'll be waiting for the rest of my life."

The door opened, and Octavia swung. The violin shattered against a pony's skull, the balsa wood managing to snap in several places at once. Twilight stumbled into the room, collapsing into a heap after a few uneasy steps.

"You got out?" Octavia asked, surprised.

"Burblesnurf checkers," Twilight stated. It made more sense in her head, but her head was unfortunately mildly concussed and it took a few moments for her to stop seeing stars and trying to speak their mysterious space language.

Octavia helped her up and shook her, which was terrible first aid to give to anypony with a head injury, but Octavia's cutie mark wasn't for medicine and earth ponies generally dealt with injuries by pretending they didn't hurt and rubbing dirt into the wound. This was not because they were ignorant, but because, like in all civilizations, tradition was a far more powerful force than common sense.

"Twilight, focus!" Octavia yelled. "I didn't hit you that hard! It was only a violin! It barely had any heft to it at all!"

"Felt more like a harpsichord," Twilight muttered, as the part of her brain that knew words finally managed to re-establish communications with her mouth. She rubbed her head. "Remind me not to throw you any surprise parties."

"How did you get out?" Octavia asked.

"Magic, obviously. I tossed Noel into the chair and left her there." Twilight looked around. "Hey, your room is bigger than mine! How is that fair? I'm a master criminal!"

"If you like it so much, you can have it," Octavia said. "I was still planning on leaving."

Twilight nodded and went back to the door, looking both ways as she reopened it. The corridor was silent and empty.

"Okay, the coast is clear," Twilight whispered. "I've disabled the scrying spells around here, so we don't have long." She tossed Octavia a set of keys. "Help me get these doors open."

Within a few minutes, there were a few dozen ponies standing around, milling about sedately and looking confused.

"Everypony, listen up," Twilight said. "We need a distraction to get out of here. All you need to do is cause confusion and keep ponies busy, and you've got a good chance of getting out, too."

The prisoners, all of them largely non-violent offenders whose crimes typically involved accounting or tax evasion, stared at Twilight.
Octavia sighed and stepped up to the crowd, slugging a gangly-looking unicorn and picking him up above her head.

"EVERYPONY RIOT!" Octavia shouted, throwing him into the crowd like a screaming javelin. The ponies did what naturally came to them, and started yelling and running around in circles, breaking things.

"Why did they listen to you and not me?" Twilight frowned.

"It's called stage presence," Octavia said. "And I believe I hear the march of armored hooves coming closer. Shall we?"

The way to the prison offices was blocked by a heavy security door, designed to resist magic, earth pony strength, and, in an odd decision by the engineering team responsible for it, was made of an alloy that dragons found about as appetizing as a spoonful of ipecac syrup.

Octavia kicked the guard who had been standing watch near it a few more times, the unconscious stallion rolling limply with the blows, while Twilight tried a few more keys from the keyring. It was a huge, jangling thing that probably opened every door in the building. It would be even more useful if anypony had thought to label the stupid things.

"Tenth time's the charm," Twilight said. After a few attempts, she cursed in Prench and tried the next key. "Eleventh time's the- hey, it actually is the charm this time!" The door swung open.

"The riot won't last long," Octavia said. "We need to hurry."

"Don't worry," Twilight said, waving a hoof dismissively. She closed the door behind them, the lock clicking back into place. "We're practically out already. There has to be another entrance around here for the staff. They wouldn't have them go through the main prison all the time."

"Your big plan is to just have us sneak out the back door?" Octavia raises an eyebrow. "I thought it would be something more dramatic, like a high-speed airship chase, or a portal to Tartarus."

"I don't know if you've looked around, but we're already in Tartarus. I keep expecting to turn the corner and find Cerberus." Twilight stopped in front of a directory and read it over quickly, nodding for Octavia to follow.

"They'll see us leaving," Octavia pointed out.

"Not if we're in disguise." Twilight stopped in front of an office and opened the door. "See, what I figure is that-"

"Vinyl?!" Octavia gasped.

"Kinky, and it might look good, but I was-" Twilight stopped as she saw the mare standing in the office. It was Noel's assistant, waiting placidly. "Oh, uh, heeey. We're just passing through."

"Vinyl, how did you get here?!" Octavia asked, shoving Twilight out of the way and into a coat rack in her rush to get to the mare.

"Doctor Noel's office hours are from six to nine, both in the morning and evening," the white unicorn said, her voice expressionless. "If you want to leave a message, I can make sure she gets it."

"No..." Octavia whispered, touching Vinyl's face. "I- I did it all for nothing?"

"Wait, that's your marefriend?" Twilight asked.

"Vinyl Scratch," Octavia said. There was no recognition in the mare's eyes. "She was here all along and I never knew?" Octavia stopped. "...No, it isn't that I didn't knew. That... that mule made me forget! That's why my room was bigger than yours! It was supposed to hold two ponies! It was supposed to... and then they took her away and..." Octavia sank to her knees.

"Octavia! Get up!" Twilight said. "We need to get out of here. We'll take her with us. Noel left a couple spare uniforms here, so we can-"

"I'm not going," Octavia whispered. "What's the point? She's gone and there's nothing I can do."

"Endless Night..." Twilight hissed. "Hey, you." She pointed at Vinyl. "You're Doctor Noel's assistant, right? So you know where she keeps all her notes on the Aurora Mirror."

"Yes, Ma'am," Vinyl said.

"Where are they?" Twilight asked.

"I'm not allowed to tell you that."

Twilight's eye twitched. "Okay. Right. Conditioned not to reveal secrets. Listen carefully - I don't want you to tell me anything secret, okay? Just nod."

Vinyl nodded.

"Great. Doctor Noel told me she left my coloring book in the same place she keeps her notes on the Aurora Mirror. Could you look for it?"

"Of course, Ma'am." Vinyl walked over to a filing cabinet and unlocked it, opening the bottom drawer. She started looking through the files.
Twilight hit her with a sleeping spell.

"That's the problem with magical compulsions," Twilight said. "You have to be really specific. She was told not to reveal anything secret, but I asked her to help me with something perfectly safe."

Twilight pulled out files, skimming through them.

"Let's see... patient files... experiments with other species... there has to be something useful in here..."

"What are you even looking for?"

"This!" Twilight pulled out a folded-up diagram, opening it and spreading it out on the desk. "She made a blueprint of the enchantments! She wanted to mass-produce this thing, remember? And it's all simple, the kind of thing a government contractor might be able to build."

"Burn it," Octavia growled.

"Not yet! I need to see..." Twilight looked over the runes. She was only self-taught, but she was a quick study. "I think I can work out a counterspell for this. I know the basics, and somepony once gave me a pamphlet with handy notes on how to remove curses."

"What kind of pamphlet-" Octavia started, before Twilight, muttering to herself, stepped around the desk and touched her horn against Octavia's forehead. Octavia's eyes unfocused and she froze in place.

"Did it work?" Twilight asked.

"My life flashed before my eyes!"

"In a good way?"

"It was like eternity in a split second. I can remember every detail about my life. Every feeling, every meal I've had, every time I loved a pony..."

"Perfect recall might be a side effect. On the other hoof, those memories will be very resistant to further tampering." Twilight smiled. "Not bad for something I made up on the spot, right?"

Octavia looked at her flank. Her cutie mark had been as faded as an old T-shirt, but now it stood out as bright and clear as the day she'd gotten it.

"Will it work on Vinyl?" Octavia looked at her, still dazed from the memory spell Twilight had hit her with. "I can remember both of us getting dragged in here. I confessed to selling the drugs, but she was still going to serve a few months for money laundering through her club."

"Drugs?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing dangerous," Octavia said, quickly. "I don't approve of it either, but Vinyl needed more money for her club and she decided she'd rather cut out the middleman and sell them herself so she could make sure her clients weren't getting anything that could hurt them."

"Uh-huh?" Twilight raised her eyebrow higher.

"It was just Spice and Salt and this Zebrican concoction that made your senses all sort of... blend together, so you'd hear colors and hear sounds."

"Tell her to get out of that business," Twilight said.

"Twilight, if you can help her I'll make sure she never gets involved in anything ever again."

Twilight nodded and stepped up to Vinyl. She took a deep breath and touched the tips of their horns together. There was a flash of light, and Vinyl scrambled back into the wall, music notes appearing on her flank and her hooves going to her eyes.

"Buck!" Vinyl cursed. "My bucking- where are my-" She shook her head. "Those flank-faces took my bucking sunglasses! They didn't even ask why I wore them! It feels like a bucking ice pick in my bucking eyes-"

"She's very photosensitive," Octavia explained, quietly, pulling Vinyl into a hug. "Vinyl..."

"Octy, I'm burning this whole bucking city down," Vinyl said, keeping her eyes shut. "That mule had me filing paperwork and acting like her bucking servant. Where is she? I'm gonna show her that you don't buck with a mare when-"

"She's taken care of," Twilight said. "Now do you think you can learn a spell real fast? My hooves still shake every time I think about picking a lock. I had to use a key to get in here. A key! I don't even have the keys for my own locks!"

"Yeah, yeah," Vinyl huffed, starting to calm down while Octavia held her and rubbed her back. "I felt some of it when our horns linked. It's like, uh, hearing the tune. Write out the runes and I can sing the chorus."

Twilight sketched the spell she'd thrown together onto some note paper and gave it to her. Vinyl opened one eye and squinted at the page.

"You've got bucking awful hornwriting," Vinyl said. "If this makes your brain explode because I can't tell your phis from your thetas, it's your own fault."

"I'll take that risk," Twilight said. She stepped closer, and Vinyl let go of Octavia to cast the spell.

It was like lightning, going right through Twilight's brain. Half-remembered dreams popped into focus alongside every book she'd ever read, that time she'd tried really hard to forget when she and Gilda had hooked up, a litany of injuries, daring escapes, and thefts. All of the false memories that Noel had tried to implant were flat and lifeless compared to the real memories, as fuzzy and unreal as dreams.

"Oh boy," Twilight gasped, stepping back and coughing. "That's rough. Really rough." She held up a hoof. It didn't shake. "But I think I'm back."

"So what's the next part of this brilliant plan?" Vinyl asked. "I'm thinking it should involve migraine medication."

"Well, my brilliant plan just got even more brillianter," Twilight smirked. "The guards are used to you coming and going, right?"

"Excuse me," Vinyl asked, as she walked up to one of the guards at the staff entrance. "Has the disturbance been resolved yet?"

"Not yet," the guard said. "A few of the prisoners are still unaccounted for, Ma'am, and we haven't found Doctor Noel."

"I see," Vinyl said, quietly. "I will need to take the interns to the hospital, then. One of them was injured in the disturbance." She ushered Twilight and Octavia forwards. Both of them were wearing spare uniforms, and Twilight was sporting a nasty bruise on her head, the sort of thing you might get if a string instrument was used as a bludgeoning weapon.

"I'll need to see your staff cards and have you sign out," the guard said. Vinyl nodded and gave him her identification. Twilight and Octavia's were just generic red cards with the prison logo hung around their necks on lanyards.

"Thank you," Vinyl said.

"Do you need me to call an ambulance?" the guard asked.

"I, uh, don't have insurance," Twilight said, blushing. "I'd really like to avoid the extra expense if I can help it. I just got this job and being an intern doesn't exactly pay much."

"Oh right," the guard nodded. "Probably not covered by the benefits plan yet."

"It's worth class credits for med school, though," Twilight said, trying to put on a brave face as they signed the book. "Look, uh, if Doctor Noel asks, tell her it looked really bad, okay? I don't want to get sacked for leaving early."

"Just bring in a note from the hospital," the guard said. "As long as you have a doctor's note you'll be fine."

"Thanks," Twilight said, leaning against Octavia.

"And don't go to sleep!" The guard yelled, as they walked away. "That's bad if you have a concussion!" He smiled to himself, proud that he'd remembered his first-aid training.

"I certainly wasn't expecting this," Sunset Shimmer said, looking into the room. "Right in the heart of Canterlot, too. Last place you think to look." She shook her head in disapproval.

Doctor Noel was limply looking up at a mirror. Sunset cast a few detection spells then stepped inside, walking up to the controls. She hadn't gotten to be a Grand Magus by not messing with things she didn't understand. A few button presses later and the subtle pressure in the room vanished. She started to say something, and the silence ate her words. The Grand Magus rolled her eyes and dispelled the silence with a quick and dirty counterspell, just ripping the bubble apart.

"That's better," Sunset said. "Doctor Noel?" She stepped over. Noel didn't move, just staring upwards. Drool slowly dripped from the corner of her mouth.

Sunset waved a hoof in front of her face. Noel didn't respond. She wasn't even blinking.

"Okay, well, that's a little creepy," Sunset muttered. She stepped out to the hallway. A few ponies in robes stood there, keeping watch over the assembled staff.

"Ma'am, we found the files," one of the ponies said, levitating a stack of folders to Sunset. "It's just like your informant said."

Sunset flipped through the folders, the staff getting more and more nervous as her expression changed from curiosity to fury.

"No, it's worse than my informant said," Sunset spat, as she tossed another case file aside. "I want everypony here put into cells - separate cells - until I can decide what to do with them."

"I demand to talk to the Princess!" somepony in the crowd yelled. Sunset's ears twitched and she spun on the crowd, hair moving on its own like she was caught in an unseen breeze.

"Who said that?!" Sunset roared. The crowd parted, revealing a stallion in a suit.

"I- we were only following orders," he said, lamely. "This was all done in Celestia's name."

Sunset stormed up to him. "So you know what was going on," she said, dangerously.

"I didn't do anything! I just manage payroll!"

"And you didn't do anything to stop it?" Sunset hissed. The stallion looked down, cowed. "All of you are lucky I don't just send you to Stalliongrad and tell them to find a deep, dark hole where they can forget about you!"

Sunset turned on her heels and dragged Noel out of the room, levitating her away from the door. Sunset fired a bolt of teal fire into the room, shattering the mirror and collapsing the roof, burying it all.

"I hate magic mirrors," she muttered.

"Most of the staff was aware of the events," Sunset said, pacing back and forth in the meeting room. "The inmates largely responded well to the counterspell we were given, but unfortunately Doctor Noel is still comatose."

"What happened to her?" Shining Armor asked. Princess Celestia watched, reading over the official reports Sunset had prepared.

"She was left alone with her creation at maximum power. It must have been like... being in limbo for a thousand years. No savior to help her, not even a tormentor to keep her company. Just alone, in silence." Sunset stopped pacing at the window, looking down at the courtyard below.

"And I sent Twilight to a place where they were doing that to ponies," Shining Armor whispered.

"You didn't know," Celestia said. "And by all accounts, she seems to be the one to have... discovered this little problem."

"Little problem? She ruined the lives of dozens of ponies! Some of them should have been released years ago!"

"I've pardoned almost all of the former inmates," Celestia said. "The newspaper headlines tomorrow should be rather interesting."

"You pardoned Twilight Sparkle?" Sunset turned from the window to look, curious.

"Mm. Not exactly," Celestia said. "But I think in light of services rendered we can give her a bit of a head start before sending the guard after her."

Twilight sat down at the cabana bar, the breeze of the ocean at her back and sand under her hooves.

"The whole time I was in prison you guys were hanging out in the Barracudas?" Twilight huffed. "I was gone for months! Didn't you even consider that something might have gone wrong?"

"I really couldn't afford to risk being associated with a known criminal," Rarity said. "Sorry, darling. They talked me out of a daring rescue, and I just had to do something about the stress of having you locked away. Taking a long vacation seemed like the natural thing to do, and I've been inspired to design all sorts of swimsuits for my summer collection."

"Look on the bright side," Gilda suggested. "The papers are calling you a hero. I bet you could swing some paid interviews... as long as you did them in a country with no extradition."

Twilight looked at Maud. The mare was looking at her hooves in contemplation.

"Maud?" Twilight asked. "What about you?"

"Sand is really millions and millions of tiny rocks, when you think about it," Maud said.

"Right," Twilight sighed. "I should have expected something like that."

"You were able to get your friend out, right?" Gilda asked.

"Yeah," Twilight said. "And she's free and clear now. Celestia gave a blanket pardon to everypony. Almost everypony."

"Everypony except you," Gilda snorted, trying to hold back laughter.

"Oh yeah, you think it's funny, but I found a letter on my bed this morning. Celestia very politely invited me back to Canterlot to discuss the possibility of a pardon. I don't know if she teleported it or if she has some secret agent watching me!"

"Think it's a trap?" Gilda asked.

"I think I've already had enough of ponies trying to reform me," Twilight said. "Now order me a drink and let's go have a night on the town and swipe everything that's not nailed down."

Author's Notes:

Well that got a little dark. A thousand years in solitary confinement does seem to be the standard punishment for Crimes Against Equinity, though.

Next Time: Action! Apples! Excitement! Explosions! Apples! Lots of Apples!

Hard Core! - For a Few Apples More

Applejack sipped at the cider in her glass and looked out over Manehattan from the high balcony of the office building. It was a strange feeling, being back in the city. Not like she wasn't familiar with it, but it had been a long time since she'd been a filly. Now she was back, visiting the Oranges during what should have been the busiest time of the year for her. She was still struggling to get used to not wearing her hat, but her aunt had made a good argument about personal sacrifices for a good cause.

After it had rained bits over the farm, she and Big Mac had collected everything they could find and put it somewhere safe. Not the bank - that would just raise questions they couldn't answer - but the bulk of it was buried under certain trees in sturdy sacks that would last for decades. The rest was being used to pay farmhands to work during apple bucking season. All of them were part of the extended Apple family, which always had young stallions and mares looking to return to their roots even if they'd moved away from farming. One was even an Orange, who had taken to working the fields so well that you'd never know that she had gone to school for literature and hadn't ever gotten her hooves dirty before.

It was, in a way, perfect. Granny was getting a new hip, Apple Bloom wasn't going to have to grow up working the orchard (unless she wanted to, of course). The only thing Applejack missed was the satisfaction of doing everything herself, but it was a small price to pay for not having to wake up every morning before the sunrise and go to bed exhausted at the end of the day.

"Applejack?" Somepony asked, with an accent that was so refined you'd never know the speaker had been born and raised in Ponyville. Applejack smiled faintly and turned around.

"Rarity, it's been a hen's age!" she said, stepping closer and hugging her old friend for a moment. "How's the fancy dress business?"

"Oh, it's going quite well," Rarity smiled. "I never thought I'd see the day I found you in one of my pieces." She circled around Applejack like a shark, picking up the edge in her magic and narrowing her eyes, frowning slightly. "Hm. Not hoof-stitched. From my Manehattan boutique, I assume?"

"I didn't know it was yours. Aunt Orange took me over to get fitted yesterday."

"Ah, that's fine then. Machine stitches are acceptable if it was a rush job." Rarity nodded. "You fill it out splendidly, darling."

"Thank you kindly," Applejack said, reaching up to tip her hat only to remember after an awkward moment that she wasn't wearing it. "I wasn't expecting to see you here, Rarity."

"Oh, I do try and get around to all the social events I can," Rarity said, sipping at her small glass of wine. "But you..." Her smile widened slightly. "Don't tell me you've fallen for some big city stallion. Perhaps one of the fine looking colts standing near the punch bowl?"

"That'd be mighty awkward seein' as how they're all cousins of mine an' two of them are dating each other."

"Really? Which two?" Rarity asked, glancing at them.

Applejack opened her mouth to respond, then closed it after a moment. "I ain't sure, come to think of it. Ain't gonna ask now, either. That's an awkward conversation and a half."

Rarity nodded, then something else tickled at her attention. "Wait, but you said they were cousins of yours. And two of them are dating?"

"So, big charity event. Didn't half expect to see you here," Applejack said, changing the subject. She didn't want to explain to Rarity that there were cousins and there were cousins. The rumors about the nobility in Canterlot implied that their family trees twisted back around on themselves, and she knew for a fact that if she let herself get into a discussion on this with Rarity she'd end up being misunderstood. Half of her cousins were more by adoption than real family ties.

"I love charity," Rarity said. "Helping ponies is its own reward. And it's tax-deductible! I'd much rather have my hard-earned bits going to a charity than to the government, darling."

Applejack nodded at that. Like all farmers, she completely understood the desire to hold onto every half-bit she'd ever earned with both hooves and keep it away from the government, while at the same time asking for whatever subsidies she could qualify for.

"So, I suppose you would know all about the main event, such as it is," Rarity said. "I'd be very curious to hear about how the Platinum Crown came to be an heirloom in your family, darling."

"Well, that's a long story," Applejack said.

Rarity waited a moment. "...And that story is?"

"Well, to be honest it ain't really that long. Granny found it when we were moving boxes out of the attic." She shrugged. "You know how it is. One of them things where you have boxes from years back and you forget what's in 'em so you might as well be goin' through a stranger's things. There was a sword and a big funny stamp thing, too, but they just hung th' sword over the mantle and put the stamp back in the box. Prolly not worth nothin'."

Rarity tilted her head. "And... have you considered taking all of that to a historian, darling?"

"Nah. Just some old junk. Granny said it used to be her grandmother's. Ain't like we need a sword to work the orchard, you know? Even if the darn thing is still sharp the trees ain't exactly fightin' us and there's prunin' hooks fer the branches that work better anyways."

Rarity's expression had frozen. "Applejack, you do know the old story about the-"

"Aw, we don't listen to old mare's tales," Applejack snorted, waving a hoof dismissively.

"I'm just saying that, perhaps, you could take the crown and the sword and the seal and maybe take them to a pony who does listen to old mare's tales, perhaps the Princess-"

"Excuse me, Ma'am?" One of the caterers stepped outside. "The musicians have arrived. Should we let them in?"

"I guess Aunt Orange hired somepony to play the fiddle," Applejack sighed. "Yeah, it's fine. She didn't say nothin' about hiring showponies, but I suppose it can't hurt. I'll just give her th' bill in the morning."

"I apologize for ze late arrival," the unicorn said, with a touch of a Germane accent. "It is our first, ah, gig in Manehattan."

The caterer nodded. "Oh, I know how it is. All the streets look the same until you really get a feel for it." She pointed to the side of the kitchen. "There's a service elevator over here you can use. Let me give you a hoof." She grabbed the handle of a large instrument case and lifted. Tried to lift. It was incredibly heavy.

"Don't touch my case!" Snapped a huge pony in a rough Stalliongrad accent, pushing her away and hefting it easily, grumbling and glaring at her.

"I'm sorry!" The caterer stepped back, not daring to even try to help carry anything now.

"My friend is very sensitive about his... instrument," the Germane unicorn said. "I apologize. You know how touchy professional musicians can be."

"R-right," the caterer said. "The party is on the tenth floor. Once you get up there, it should be pretty obvious where to go."

"It seemed quite quiet from outside," the unicorn said, as the rest of the band filed past towards the elevator. "I didn't even see any lights on the other floors."

"It's Princess Platinum day," the caterer giggled. "They always give ponies the day off. Most of them just go off to get drunk and pinch ponies who aren't wearing white."

"Ah, of course," the unicorn nodded. "Where I come from, the holiday isn't celebrated quite the same way."

"Oh right," the caterer considered. "Germane was part of the Old Unicornian Empire, wasn't it?"

"Mm. A long time ago," the unicorn shrugged. "So, is it true they have the Platinum Crown here?"

"Oh yes," the caterer nodded. "I saw it when they were setting things up for the charity auction."

"Excellent. And you're the only one in the kitchen? It must be lonely, this far from the party."

"Well, everything is already made and up at the buffet, so really I'm just here to clean up."

"How unfortunate. I'm in the same line of work. Cleaning up, I mean." The unicorn drew a small crossbow. The caterer looked at it in surprise, and then rather abruptly and briefly became a kebab.

"...so then she tells me that it's an Unbirthday Party because it's on the opposite side of the year from when I was born," Applejack snorted. "I swear that girl just wanted to find a way to double how many invitations she was sending out."

"Ponyville does sound like it's been exciting since I left," Rarity said. "I've been so busy that I hardly get a chance to visit except during the holidays. I do need to spend more time there, if only to make sure my father isn't turning my dear little sister into a hoofball quarterback."

"Let me guess," Applejack said. "You'd rather have her design dresses with you."

"Well, something refined, at least," Rarity said. "Perhaps dancing or singing." She shrugged and took a sip of her wine. "So, when I left, I remember that you were struggling with an unfortunate amount of debt."

"Well ain't that a heck of a thing t' bring up out of the blue."

"Considering you can afford to wear one of my dresses, I think your ledgers have rather more black ink than red these days."

"We had a, uh, windfall," Applejack said. It didn't do well to tell ponies you'd prayed for money and actually gotten it. They'd assume you were a thief or a liar or insane or all three at the same time.

"Is that so?" Rarity raised an eyebrow.

"The most important thing about farm work is that you need to just keep going. It's about a lot of work where you don't get nothin' for it, then a big payday in the end." She shrugged. "You only get paid at harvest time an' then you gotta make that money last the rest of the year.

"Ah, I see. My work is somewhat different. It's all about finding an opportunity and pouncing on it. Constantly making connections and plans and doing research. Rather more like hunting than gathering. It all comes down to luck and the pounce at the end, and you either land on a pile of bits or you go home hungry and try again the next day."

"Really?" Applejack looked surprised. "I didn't know making dresses was like that. I thought it was just about puttin' a pretty thing in a window and waitin' for work to come to you."

"Hm?" Rarity seemed confused for a moment. "Oh, yes, I suppose fashion is like that too," she muttered to herself, then continued in a normal volume. "No, window shopping is for department stores and chains that make knockoffs. Real fashion, exclusive and expensive fashion, does not encourage the client to buy off the rack."

Rarity took a sip of her wine and suppressed a frown. Applejack caught it and smirked.

"Ain't a big fan of the wine?" She asked.

"It's... not the best vintage," Rarity admitted. "I suppose I'm a bit spoiled, but then again, so is this. I think it's starting to go to vinegar."

"Yeah, I told Aunt Orange not t' get the cheapest wine from the caterers, but she didn't wanna spend too much for a charity outing." Applejack smiled. "But you know, I got a bottle of hard cider stashed with my things upstairs."

"From Sweet Apple Acres?" Rarity tilted her head.

"Where else? I ain't gonna buy cider when I make the best myself."

"Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind a glass or two," Rarity admitted. "For old time's sake."

Charity events were delicate affairs. There was a certain psychology to the whole thing that sometimes confused ponies. They would see charity dinners where the guests would be given expensive meals, all of the guests wearing designer dresses and gems and the natural question became 'why isn't all that money being given to the poor?'

The answer was that charity events weren't for getting money from ponies who were the type that would give to a good cause on their own. They were for getting bits from ponies that wanted something in return. So they got a big event, where they could show off how nice and generous they were to the other ponies who were similarly nice and generous. They wore new clothing and fine jewelry because they were, after all, mingling with their social peers. The food was gourmet because, and this was important, they wanted these very generous ponies to come back for the next event.

Entertainment was important, too. Ponies ignored the band as they started getting set up. If any of them were particularly observant they would have been curious about why they all looked so gruff and unpleasant - even for musicians, whose skill with an instrument tended to be inversely proportional to their social talents.

The band became much more difficult to ignore when the largest member, a powerfully-built unicorn standing a head taller than the average pony, pulled a siege weapon from where he'd been carrying it in his double-bass case and fired it at the chandelier, a torrent of darts buzzing like an angry swarm of bees as they shattered it and sent it crashing to the floor, along with parts of the plaster around it.

"Attention, mares and gentlestallions," Yelled a Germane-accented unicorn. "Ve are the Unicorn Non-discrimination Front, and we are all quite heavily armed, so it would not be vise to panic. If you all follow my instructions to ze letter, you may vell live to see tomorrow."

He turned to two of the other unicorns. "Blau, Rosa, take care of the stairs and fire escape. Ze elevator is set to emergency stop. Schwarz, please keep control of ze crowd control. Gelb, you attend to ze package."

"Why do I have to be Rosa?" Asked the small unicorn, cradling a repeating crossbow in his magic. "How about Grun? We don't have a Grun, Weiss."

"Not now, Rosa. Just follow orders."

"Rosa is a girl's name," the unicorn muttered.

Rarity poured two more glasses, making sure that Applejack was getting considerably more than she was. It would be called the oldest trick in the book except it was older than the book and would be called good manners in many places.

Applejack was staying in a relatively small apartment a few floors up from where the charity auction was being held. It was, of course, only relatively small by the standards of Ponyville - an apartment in the city proper, well above ground level, was expensive even if it was the size of a walk-in closet. Applejack's apartment was big enough to have several rooms and probably would have commanded a considerable price if her family didn't own the entire building.

"It has been far too long," Rarity said, sipping at the glass. "Your family always did make the best cider. The last time I tried a bottle from another farm, it tasted like soap."

"Prolly made it from pears," Applejack said, sagely. "Th' Pear family makes decent fruit but they're always tryin' too hard to make it all fancy and such. Ruins things half th' time." She paused. "Well, except fer presentation, I suppose, but if all your food is good for is lookin' nice on a plate, you might as well be a sculptor instead of a cook."

"Ah, a bit like some of the recent styles from Prance," Rarity nodded. "They're so ornate and look fine as long as you stay still, but if you aren't a statue and have to, for example, breathe and perhaps even dare to walk around, the flaws quickly become apparent. Spring-loaded hoops and panels starched so heavily they could turn aside a blade are hardly comfortable, no matter how much embroidering is done around them."

"Bet ya tried to make it work, though."

"Well of course, darling," Rarity smiled. "But I stopped when I realized I was working with an unnecessary handicap. There are easier ways to get what I want."

Rarity moved to pour another measure of cider into Applejack's glass, and while her grip was steady, the building unfortunately wasn't. There was a shudder, and cider splashed over the side of the glass.

"What was that?" Rarity looked around. "An earthquake?"

"No," Applejack said, standing up. "Somethin' downstairs. I'm gonna go make sure nopony's hurt."

"It was probably just somepony getting drunk and falling into the buffet table," Rarity said. "Certainly wouldn't be the first time I've seen that happen."

"How many times was it you?" Applejack asked, smirking a little.

"Never. I don't get that drunk."

"You just had darn near half a bottle of cider and you were already drinking wine when you found me," Applejack noted.

"I am not a lush." Rarity put her glass down firmly on the table.

"Course not, Rarity," Applejack said. "But how about you stay here anyway? If there's a big mess I don't want you faintin' on me."

"Do you really think I'd just faint like some little delicate flower?" She was starting to get annoyed, which served to amuse Applejack even more, until the screaming started from below them.

"That ain't good," Applejack said, the mirth draining from her voice. "Just stay here and keep outta the way. Ponies might be hurt."

"Certainly not! If there's danger, I can help!"

"No offense, Rarity, seein' as how you're one of my oldest friends, but you're basically one of them Canterlot nobles."

"Well thank you." Rarity smiled and primped her mane. "I do try my best, darling."

"By that, I mean you'd get in the way when ponies are tryin' to do work." Applejack opened the door and started to the elevator. "If there's been some kind of accident, the last thing ponies need to hear is somepony complaining about how things 'never happened like this in Canterlot' or how 'my father will hear about this.'" Applejack managed a surprisingly good Canterlot accent.

"They're not all like that," Rarity said. "I know some ponies from Canterlot who certainly don't shy away from getting their hooves dirty." She pressed the button for the elevator. Nothing happened. "Odd. Is something wrong with the power?"

"Weiss," Rosa said, getting his boss' attention. "Somepony's trying to call for the elevator."

"What floor?" Weiss asked, putting down his wineglass and trotting over to look.

"Twenty-fourth. Two stories above us." Rosa pointed to the blinking crystal button.

"Blau, go upstairs and escort our late arrivals to ze party." Weiss paused for a moment. "Und if zey give you trouble, make sure they are very late. As in 'ze Late Baron Octoberfest'."

Blau nodded and checked his repeating crossbow before getting into the elevator.

Applejack tried the door handle again, and it stubbornly refused to budge, like the entire door was frozen in place.

"What in the hay? This door don't even have a lock on it!" She grunted and pushed against it. It didn't even budge.

"Darling, can I check something?" Rarity asked. Applejack stepped away.

"Go ahead, but I don't think it's goin' nowhere."

Rarity's horn lit up with a soft glow as she examined the door, not touching it.

"There's a magical seal," she said. "It doesn't matter how much brute strength you use, it won't open. I can dispel this, but it would take some time."

"Forget it. There's a fire escape on the side of the building." Applejack pointed in the general direction. "We'll go down to the street and get some help. There'll be guards around we can ask."

"I suppose that would not be entirely unwise," Rarity ventured. "Though we really don't know what's happening."

"I know enough. Elevator ain't working, well, that happens. But some kidna spell on the stairway?" Applejack shook her head and walked to the end of the hallway, where a door led out to the fire escape. "That means somethin' is wrong and I ain't gonna sit around on my hooves hopin' it goes away."

She opened the door and stepped out onto the iron fire escape. It crumbled under her, and only Rarity, pulling her back with magic, kept her from falling.

"What in the hay?!" She gasped, grabbing the doorframe and getting back inside. The entire fire escape was rusted through, so heavily that she could see it flaking away.

"Well, it looks like they thought of that, as well," Rarity mumbled. "How annoying."

"You saved my life," Applejack gasped. "That's a heck of a long way down."

"Let's save the thanks until we've actually escaped, darling," Rarity said. "I have a bad feeling about this."

There was a ding as the elevator arrived. Rarity and Applejack looked back, and Rarity pulled Applejack into the shadows as the doors slid open. Applejack looked at her, confused, and Rarity pressed a hoof to her lips for silence.

A unicorn stepped out of the elevator after a long moment, a mean-looking crossbow held in front of him, the kind of thing that wasn't designed to penetrate armor as much as it was designed to throw bolts as rapidly as possible.

He touched his ear, and a stud there started glowing. He said something in Germane and started quietly walking, crossbow at the ready.

"What's that?" Applejack whispered, as he headed in the other direction.

"Crystal radio," Rarity explained. "It's a communications device. He was talking to ponies, probably downstairs."

"What did he say?"

"That he'd reached the floor and was going to start looking for, and I believe this is the most accurate translation, 'stragglers' or 'late party guests.'"

"I don't reckon it's the kind of party I want to be at, when they invite you along with a crossbow."

"Unfortunately, I don't think he'll give you an option. Deadly force is quite a motivation to RSVP."

The quiet hoofsteps started coming back towards them, and Rarity shushed Applejack again. He walked to the window and looked out over the ruins of the fire escape.

"The railing is broken here," he reported, touching his ear again. "They might have tried going that way. The rust oil seems to have been a wise investment." He paused. "Ja. Understood. I will do one more sweep of the rooms and come back down."

He turned away, and walked right into Applejack's hooves. His snout broke and he stumbled back, blood pouring from his nostrils. He certainly couldn't keep his concentration well enough to keep Rarity from grabbing the crossbow out of his telekinetic grasp. She expertly slammed the stock just to one side of his horn, and he crumpled to the ground.

"Thought for sure that kick would have put him down," Applejack said, disappointed.

"Wounds to the face are disorienting and can be good for giving an opportunity for escape, but they're rarely disabling," Rarity said. "You have to know where to hit a pony if you really want to knock them out without putting their teeth through the back of their head."

"Didn't expect you to know how."

"Well, darling, a lady has to be able to take care of herself. Self-defense classes, among other things."

"Right," Applejack said, not convinced. Rarity took the earring from him and clipped it to her own ear, then started rifling through his pockets.

"Could you be a dear and grab one of the ropes from the curtains? Velvet rope is hardly ideal but I'd like to have him tied up, just in case."

"Can't be much harder than a hog," Applejack shrugged. "And I happen to have won a few medals in hogties." She started tying him up. "Won't he just use his horn to get himself free?"

"Mm. That is unfortunately likely," Rarity sighed. "I think we should try to alert the guards that there's a considerable amount of distress here."

"We're more'n twenty stories up and can't get down. How're you planning on doing that?"

"I am sure something will present itself," Rarity said, gaze lingering on the unconscious thug.

"What's taking him so long?" Weiss muttered. He walked past Schwarz and to the back room where Gelb was working intently on a safe built into the wall of the small office. He'd been pacing back and forth between the positions for some time now, trying to keep an eye on everything, as does every boss who doesn't trust his subordinates to do their jobs correctly.

"How long?" Weiss asked, with no preamble.

Gelb sighed and stood up. "It's a tricky lock. It will take a few moments."

"And the other arrangements?" Weiss asked.

"Rosa painted the circle onto the clear space in the maintenance room. It was the best we could do - carpet would make the edges too fuzzy, even with the stencil." Gelb sighed and nodded to an instrument case. "That is fine, obviously. If something had happened to it in transit, we wouldn't be around to discuss."

"Fine," Weiss said. "But hurry. I have a... bad feeling about this." He walked out into the main room to make sure Schwarz hadn't shot anypony in the fifteen seconds since he'd last seen him - which was a wiser decision than one might think, since Schwarz was the type who would kill with very little preamble or ceremony.

Schwarz glanced at him only long enough for him to confirm who he was looking at, which was a solid three seconds most days but today Schwarz was particularly sharp and managed it in two.

"They are keeping still like good little ponies," Schwarz rumbled. It was the kind of voice that wasn't gravelly as much as it was like a landslide.

"Good. Blau should be back soon to help you keep control of them." He patted Schwarz on the shoulder and winced. It was like tapping his hoof on tightly-wound bundles of iron cabling.

"It would be better to deal with them now," he said, in a mumble that was loud and deep enough to echo.

"Now, now, my friend," Weiss smiled. "Nopony need get hurt as long as instructions are followed." Unlike Schwarz, he knew that if they started to panic things would get very messy. He much preferred it when things were clean.

Something screaming went past the large windows on the other side of the ballroom. In the brief glimpse he caught of it, it looked quite a bit like Blau.

"You threw him out the window!" Applejack gasped.

Rarity watched Blau descend. They said that any landing you could walk away from was a good landing. Even if Blau hadn't been hog-tied, it wouldn't have been a good landing. From more than twenty floors up it was, in fact, more like a splash.

"I think that will get a considerable amount of attention rather quickly," Rarity said.

"You just - you killed a pony!" Applejack sputtered.

"He was trying to kill us. Do try to keep up, darling." Rarity adjusted the bow and looked at the mechanism. "Hm. Unfortunately, this is designed to be worked with magic. I don't think hooves would work. I'll just hang onto it."

Applejack was still giving her a look of shock. Rarity sighed.

"Darling, you need to think quickly in a situation like this. It's kill or be killed."

"Ya didn't have to kill him! You coulda... thrown down a note, or something!"

"Throw notes to random ponies in Manehattan?" Rarity scoffed. "Assuming they'd even read it, they'd still ignore it because it wouldn't be their problem."

"It ain't right."

"You said it yourself. He was going to escape at some point. I'd rather know I wasn't going to be stabbed in the back." She watched Applejack, her expression as stony as a statue. "And I won't be, will I?"

"I ain't gonna lie if ponies ask me what happened."

"I suggest you learn how. The truth is too precious to just give away all at once." She nodded to the window. "Besides, in case you haven't noticed, I've solved a small problem of ours by breaking that window. The balcony for the ball room is right below us. Two stories is a tad dangerous, but those velvet ropes in the curtains seemed strong enough to support our weight."

"Where in the hay did you learn to think like this?" Applejack frowned and started struggling out of her dress. She wasn't going to wear it if she had to start climbing around.

"I'm in a very competitive industry," Rarity said.

Rosa and Schwarz scanned the dark floor with their weapons, which were as different as they were. Rosa was a small pony who looked like his family had distant ancestry closer to rats than horses. Schwarz looked like he ate things like Rosa.

Rosa cradled his little two-shot over-under crossbow in his magic. It was cheap and nasty and not designed at all for a stand-up fight. Schwarz's massive weapon would be better used against small buildings than ponies.

Schwarz pointed one direction. Rosa trailed after him, watching his back. He was used to stabbing ponies there, so he fit in naturally.

A shape loomed in the darkness. Schwarz, with the instant violence that didn't come naturally to anypony but had to be drilled over and over again, turned and fired without even a trace of hesitation, reducing the shape to tatters. It further opened a rather large hole in the wall behind it and, signaled by tinkling glass, managed to put out a few windows that had the unfortunate luck to be in the way.

"Endless Night!" Rosa swore. "Be careful with that!"

Schwarz considered for a moment. "I am careful. It is careless to have a weapon and not use it." He nodded to himself, like his muscles needed to achieve a consensus with his brain. It made sense, since Schwarz had enough muscle to turn the idea of mind over matter on its head, as it were, with more muscle memory than actual memory.

Rosa walked over to what was left of the figure.

"What the buck?" He swore, lifting up the prone figure. It was a ponyquin, with a dress draped over it. "It's just a bucking stuffed pony."
It would have been more accurate if he said that it had been a stuffed pony since it was neither entirely pony-shaped (because of the holes) nor was it particularly stuffed now (again, because of the holes).

As Rosa stood there, it became apparent that the wall Schwarz had put a rather large hole through had been load-bearing. Directly above him, there was a music room featuring a grand piano, which had been very expensive to bring to the high floor.

A weakened beam cracked, and Aunt Orange's piano slammed down on Rosa with a crash that sounded like a rather harmonic car accident. It had, after all, been very well tuned.

"What the hay-" Applejack said, before Rarity shushed her, forcibly, by clamping her jaw shut with magic.

Rarity shook her head and shushed her as they got to the balcony. Once they were safely there, she untied the rope from above to make sure they wouldn't be followed.

"Stay away from the windows," she whispered.

"What was that?" Applejack pointed up.

Rarity tilted her head, listening to something through the earring she'd taken from Blau. She snorted. "One problem taking care of another, darling. Usually I need to have Twilight around to experience that kind of lucky break."

"Twilight?"

"An acquaintance of mine. Terribly unfashionable." She paused. "Rather brave, in a foolhardy way, and charming if you've had a few drinks before listening to the awful pick-up lines."

"Oh. More nobility?"

"That is an interesting question indeed."

"You idiot!" Weiss hissed, as Schwarz returned to the ballroom by elevator (more comfortable than Rarity and Applejack's descent by velvet rope, and safer, given his weight). "You were supposed to take care of problems, not cause more of them!"

"Sorry," Schwarz rumbled.

"Just... keep an eye on the hostages. Gelb has things in hoof, or at least eventually will have things in hoof if he knows what's good for him. I will go deal with the police currently surrounding the building."

"Alone?" Schwarz asked.

"I would not want a piano to hit me and we are otherwise currently short-staffed." Weiss took a deep breath. "Besides, I will use a much more dangerous thing than even your little toy."

Schwarz thought about that for a moment. "You have a bigger bow?" He sounded uncertain, which is reasonable since it was unlikely that Weiss had been able to conceal a weapon that would have to be almost as big as the room they were standing in.

"No. I'm going to use words. The pen is mightier than the sword, as you may have read. Or eaten, in your case."

"The police are here," Rarity reported. "We might just be able to wait until this blows over, darling. They won't expect anypony to be out here."

"I ain't gonna just sit and relax while my family is bein' held hostage," Applejack said. "There has to be somethin' we can do. I only see one of 'em in there."

Rarity pulled her back from the window.

"Head down, darling. The last thing you want to do is give them something to shoot at."

"Can you hit him from here?" Applejack asked, nodding to the crossbow Rarity was carrying.

"Possibly," Rarity said. "But accurately enough to kill instantly, on a pony of that size?" She shook her head. "I'm worried the first few shots would only annoy him, and he might take it out on your friends and family."

"We need some kinda distraction," Applejack frowned, thinking. Her eyes fell on the rope.

"Come out with your hooves up!" Demanded a voice from beyond the blinding light of the cordon the police had set up. Weiss took cover behind a stone pillar and cast a quick voice amplification spell.

"Ve haff several dozens of ponies hostage. I vill speak with one representative ov your choice. If I am attacked or police attempt to enter the building, an explosive device vill be detonated. Is this understood?"

There was half a minute of increasingly panicked silence.

"We're sending over a negotiator," boomed the voice from beyond the cordon.

Weiss sighed and waited, smiling slightly. A few bumps, but things were getting back on the rails.

A pony walked through the cordon, clearly unarmed. He slowly approached the front doors where Weiss was waiting in cover.

"Excellent," Weiss said, loudly enough for him to hear it. "Come inside so we can talk."

Weiss opened the door with magic, and the negotiator walked inside. Weiss' crossbow levitated in front of him, gesturing for the police pony to come a bit further.

"I assume you haff some vay to speak to your superiors?" Weiss asked.

"I have a crystal radio," the negotiator confirmed.

"Excellent. I am happy to speak vith the monkey as long as I can also speak with the organ grinder, as the saying goes." Weiss closed the doors securely, making sure to stay away from the few windows on this floor. "As I am sure you are curious, I vill provide you vith answers to give to those listening in."

The police pony nodded.

"I am Weiss, and ve are members of the Unicorn Non-discrimination League. Ve haff come here in protest of the selling of ancestral artifacts from Old Unicornia."

"The charity auction?"

"Indeed. Among the items is the Platinum Crown, vhich vas vorn by Princess Platinum herself. That it is being bought und sold like common jewelry is a disgrace! Ve are going to hold it and the ponies upstairs until our demands are met."

"And what are these demands?"

"First, the repealing of the Equestrian Accords, vhich give Equestria an unfair and unearned amount of leverage in the business of independent nations. Second, the return of all Old Unicornian artifacts from museums and private collections to their place of origin. Third, transport to a country vith no extradition treaty vith Equestria, for us, several hostages, und the Platinum Crown."

The police pony gave him a flat look. "Those demands are going to be all but impossible to meet."

"Either attempt to meet them or else there vill be consequences. I vill expect to hear about progress in vun hour."

"A bomb?" Rarity muttered, touching her ear.

"What?" Applejack asked. Rarity looked up, concerned.

"Their leader is speaking to a hostage negotiator. Apparently they have some kind of bomb here. Not that they need it. They made an insane list of demands and are giving the police no time at all to respond to them. Repealing the Equestrian Accords? The return of artifacts from who knows how many hooves? That would take weeks of concerted effort. Nothing at all will get done in an hour."

"It's like they expect to fail," Applejack said. She was working on the velvet rope, tying some kind of knot in it.

"You might be right," Rarity said. "But why would they..." She groaned. "Of course. I should have known. It's a hustle."

"A what now?"

"They're after the crown, darling. The rest is just to make it look like the work of extremists instead of thieves. The leader even doubled down on his accent when he was speaking to the police pony."

"Why?"

"It always pays to be a little exotic."

Weiss got off the elevator and hit the emergency stop switch again to make sure he wouldn't be followed.

"We have at least an hour," Weiss said, when Schwarz gave him a look that spoke volumes. Mostly volumes about impatience, but it was a whole encyclopedia set on undirected anger and a thesaurus on various synonyms for violence, too.

Schwarz nodded. Weiss walked past him and to the back room. He was going to have to find a way to deal with the pony. He was increasingly becoming sure that actually sharing the profits from this job was going to be an impossible task. The big unicorn might kill him without even thinking about it first. That was the problem with hired muscle - the severance package was never ideal.

"Gelb," Weiss said. "I hope you have some progress to report?"

"You're right on time, boss," Gelb smirked. "I'm just setting the last tumbler."

"You are a treasure," Weiss sighed, relieved. "Let's get the bloody thing and get out of here."

"I hear you there, boss," Gelb noted. There was a hefty, solid chunk as locks disengaged and the door swung open. Inside, there were small bags of bits, a few pieces of jewelry and a very fetching display case. The only thing that would have been better would be if the display case hadn't been completely empty.

"Where is the crown?" Weiss sputtered.

"Oh horseapples," Gelb whispered, as he looked at the other side of the door. "Boss, look at this."

Visible from this angle was a small hole, right through part of the mechanism, even through a glass relocker plate, having apparently punctured it without shattering the fragile pane.

"What is that?" Weiss asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I've seen this before. Tiny tools to work a safe's mechanism from inside. Takes a heck of a good unicorn, though. I couldn't do this if my life depended on it. It's like juggling with a blindfold on."

"Somepony already broke in?!" Weiss demanded, gritting his teeth.

"And took the crown," Gelb said, flatly.

"This should be a simple job! Take the crown, blow everything up so ponies won't go looking for us or the damn hat, and walk away rich! Prince Blueblood isn't paying us if we fail!" He spat.

"Blueblood? That's who we're working for?" Gelb blinked.

Weiss took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He'd made a mistake. He couldn't afford to make more of them. "Is the teleport circle ready?"

"Yeah, boss. It'll get us right to our hideout, just like stepping through a door."

"And all I need to do is put magic into it, yes? No hidden words or calibrations?"

"No, that's why we used a spray template. Even an idiot like Rosa could use it."

"Good." He turned his crossbow on Gelb and fired. When the unicorn slid to the ground, he fired a few more times, just to make sure. "Apologies, but part of the terms of my contract was that nopony should find out whom had hired us."

Weiss checked the bomb and changed the timer. Ten minutes felt like enough time to settle things and leave.

"Where is it?!" Weiss demanded, as he stormed into the ballroom. He pointed his crossbow at a random pony in the crowd. "I know one of you has the bloody thing!"

"Don't hurt us!" Somepony screamed.

"Where is the crown?!" Weiss yelled. He fired a bolt into the punch bowl for emphasis.

"The crown?" Applejack whispered, on the balcony. "What's he talking about."

Rarity paused a significant and suspiciously long time. "I have no idea, darling. I suppose you just can't tell with deranged extremists like these."

It was a lie. It was a terrible lie. And if there weren't deadly weapons being pointed at ponies that were friends (well, acquaintances) and family (distant) then she'd probably have pressed Rarity on it.

"Don't got much choice regardless," Applejack said. "Ready?"

"Of course, darling," Rarity said. "Don't miss."

"I won't. Won a medal for this, too."

Rarity quietly opened the latch on the balcony doors, and then everything happened at once. Applejack was the first in the room, twirling the lasso she'd tied and throwing it over the end of the siege crossbow Schwarz was holding, pulling it to the side and down as he fired on reflex. Instead of shredding a herd of cowering ponies, it went mostly into the floor, raising up a cloud of splinters and dust.

Weiss' crossbow raised up, but Rarity was already moving, managing to get a high shot around the crowd and hitting his weapon, weakening the bow enough that the tension snapped one of the limbs. He cursed and threw it down, using the crowd as cover as he ran for the back room.

"I will break you!" Schwarz yelled, charging Applejack with his horn down. She ducked to the side, still holding the rope, and he got tangled up in it as he ran past, stumbling and falling head over hooves. His mass worked against him this time, and he went right out the balcony door, to the railing, and then right through it and into the open air, screaming with rage and fear as he fell out of sight.

Weiss ran for the back room, grabbing what he could from the safe and cursing. It had all fallen apart in moments. He kicked Gelb's cooling corpse as he passed it. In a few minutes it wouldn't matter anyway. Those annoying ponies would all become a rapidly expanding cloud of debris and he'd be counting his earnings in another country. One without extradition laws.

He burst into the room with the teleportation circle and stepped into it without looking closely at it. Just as it started to activate, he heard the jingle of a can of spray paint being shaken. Weiss glanced back to see Rarity holding the spray can they'd used to make the circle in the first place, and at his hooves, a few of the runes were still wet with paint where she'd made some changes.

There was a sound like zworp (a mystical sound that makes experienced mages, even the Grand Magus, shudder) and then one like something heavy, wet, and twitching hitting the ground.

Rarity tossed the can behind her and walked out of the room, leaving half of Weiss behind her. The other half was quite far away, and he was, as he'd wished, somewhere with no extradition treaties.

"Don't suppose you know how to disarm a bomb," Applejack asked, looking at the timer. "Ain't a lot of time to work out how."

Rarity sighed and walked into the room, glancing at Gelb's body before looking at the bomb.

"You know what they say, darling. Sometimes you have to take a risk." She looked over the mechanism. There was a big tank of something that was, presumably, very dangerous, a clockwork box, and a number of wires. "Interesting."

"I hope when you say interesting you mean you figured out how it works," Applejack said. Rarity tilted her head, looking over the device with a critical eye, apparently unconcerned with the explosives.

"This isn't something I've had to do before, but I am a master of improvisation, among other things." Rarity's horn lit up, and she pulled several small pieces of metal out of her hair, all of them oddly shaped, almost like tools for metalworking and machining. She started working, and Applejack watched, silent for a moment.

"You know, I ain't a stupid pony," Applejack said.

"Perish the thought," Rarity muttered, concentrating.

"But on account of me not being stupid, I was thinking that you weren't on the guest list for tonight. I was gonna let that pass because you're an old friend, and maybe I got it wrong and didn't see your name, but there's a couple other things bothering me."

"Is this really the time?" Rarity asked, as she drilled a small hole in the clockwork mechanism and slipped her tools inside, feeling out what was inside.

"Might be the only time," Applejack said, looking at the timer.

"I didn't set this up," Rarity said. "If you were going to ask about that. Yes, I know, I'm a unicorn, they're unicorns, but it's not like we all know each other."

"That wasn't what I was worried about. They sure as hay didn't recognize you, and I wouldn't want to think that one of my best friends from when I was a filly was a killer."

"That's very kind of you-"

"Course I did, in fact, see you kill a pony. Threw him right out a window when he was helpless, just on account of it was a useful thing to do with him." Applejack waited for a reply. When one didn't come, she kept going. "And the pony out there seemed awful upset that he couldn't find the crown, which makes me think somepony took it."

"How odd," Rarity muttered.

"You gonna keep feeding me horseapples or you gonna tell me where it is?"

"That depends on what you're going to do with it," Rarity said. "If you're just going to sell it, then I'm afraid I have no idea at all where it might be."

"It's awful disingenuous of you to say that when there's half the police in Equestria downstairs."

"And you're the type of pony who knows the word disingenuous, attends charity auctions, wears designer gowns, and still speaks with a country accent," Rarity countered. "I sense a pony there trying to wear a mask, poorly, because you might be quite good with a lasso but you're even better at pretending you don't fit in."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Applejack asked, frowning.

Rarity looked up. "You're not stupid and both of us know it. And you're not simple, either."

"And you're not a fashion designer."

"That's very rude of you to say, considering you were wearing one of my dresses. I'm an excellent designer. It's just not all I am. Just like you aren't only a farmer."

"Well, what do you want me to do with the stupid thing?" Applejack asked. "It's just a crown. I already got a hat I like."

"Crowns aren't worn for comfort."

"Not all of us liked to play dress-up and pretend to be Princess Gold Lily when we were kids, Rarity. There's too much honest work to do, sometimes. You know what selling that crown will do? It'll keep orphanages in Dodge Junction, Phillydelphia, and Manehattan working for another year."

"And then what?" Rarity asked. "What about next year?"

"You can only work one harvest at a time."

"There's more that you can do but you might need to wear a different hat," Rarity said, pointedly. The timer continued to tick down. Applejack couldn't bear to look at it.

"Horseapples, Rarity, fine, whatever you want, just-"

"I want you to take the crown, and the sword, and the seal, and any other 'old junk' you have to Canterlot and have a professional look at it," Rarity said.

"Fine! Just disarm the stupid bomb!"

"Hm?" Rarity looked up, innocently. "I disarmed it ages ago, darling. We were just having a pleasant conversation. I hope you didn't feel pressured for time."

"You're an evil mare," Applejack whispered.

"I've been told that before," Rarity said. Something settled on Applejack's head. She didn't need to look up to know it was the Platinum Crown. "Hm. Yes. Perhaps not fitted precisely well, but as I said, crowns aren't worn for comfort."

"Look, even if something comes of it, the nobility-"

"Is dreadful, I know," Rarity sighed. "A few bright spots and a lot of muck. It would be a very big job to clean it up, and it would take a pony on the inside to do it." She smiled slightly. "I vaguely remember a pony telling me she wasn't afraid of hard work."

"It ain't the kind of work I'm used to. I wouldn't even know where to start with being a noble."

"You didn't know how to be a hero either, but I think you did quite well." Rarity patted her cheek. "Darling you'll do fine, trust me."

Applejack swallowed as she walked into the castle, music playing as she walked into the hallway. The dress she was wearing was another one of Rarity's, this one hoof-stitched by the mare herself, unlike the quickly-tailored dress she'd worn to the charity auction a few weeks ago.

The crown had caused a stir. The sword had caused a commotion. The seal, though, had been what almost caused a riot. The nobility had extensive family trees, meticulously kept for centuries, and apparently the discovery of the seal (and some help from Goldie Delicious and her copies of the family tree) had tied the Apple family to some very distinguished lines.

Princess Celestia watched with a smile that was completely impossible to read as Applejack walked to the dais at the other end of the room, between crowds of ponies that had flocked to see the spectacle.

"Welcome, my little pony." Celestia said, as she approached. She gestured for Applejack to come closer. "Mares, Gentlestallions, as you may be aware, there was always a mystery around the fate of Princess Platinum and her descendants. Happily, that mystery has been solved." Royal Guards walked into the room, bearing the sword, seal, and finally the Platinum Crown.

The crowd's murmuring immediately reached a fever pitch before Celestia was able to calm them.

"Applejack," Celestia said. "As you are direct descendant of Princess Platinum, I am pleased to welcome you to my court. Your family has already distinguished itself to the crown when your grandmother tamed Zap Apples and founded Ponyville. I know that your ancestor would be proud of you, and that you've kept to her example of fearlessly facing the unknown."

Celestia took up the sword and nodded to Applejack. Applejack knelt down, just like they'd rehearsed.

"I hearby name you Duchess, and lord over the town of Ponyville and its surroundings." She gently touched the sword to either side of Applejack's neck. "Rise."

Applejack stood up, and the crown was gently placed on her head. It definitely wasn't as comfortable as her old hat.

"Congratulations, Duchess," Celestia smiled. "A full royal proclamation will be released to the press later this evening, detailing the distribution of titles among members of the newly resurrected House of Platinum. For now, please enjoy yourselves at the reception."
Applejack sighed as the crowd started to disperse.

Celestia leaned in to whisper. "There's a smaller crown for less formal occasions. It's still heavy, though, even when you take it off. The responsibility doesn't go away."

Applejack nodded, swallowing nervously.

"Don't worry. I believe in you." Celestia winked and straightened up.

"Glad somepony does," Applejack said.

"Somepony told me once that the main problem with the nobility is that the person who earns the title has already done something great, and those that inherit it don't feel a need to distinguish themselves."

"Who said that?"

"A relative of yours," Celestia smiled impishly. "Now come along, Duchess. There are a great many ponies that will want to meet you, and the food at the reception is excellent. We imported apples from a farm you might know a bit about..."

Author's Notes:

Though really I'm not sure if the Apples count as nobility already anyway since they were granted ownership of land directly by the crown. I'll have to consult an expert in horse honorifics to be sure.

Rarity was more than happy to let Applejack take all the credit, and kept her own name out of the papers.

Next Time: Rocks.

Slippery Slope! - Blood Runs Downhill

Maud slowly walked through the scrub and brush of the highlands. She could feel the rock under her hooves, under the thin layer of soil and gravel that wasn't quite deep enough for any but the hardiest of trees, but provided plenty of purchase for the less demanding needs of tall grasses and bushes.

For an earth pony, the ground wasn't where the world started, it was a surface that they could see below, like a particularly solid and slow ocean. It had its own currents and flows, and Maud could feel the endless depth of it, just going down forever, layer after layer, until it faded into darkness at the edge of her senses.

Magic flowed through the rocks, like veins through a body. In most places, the magic was in geometrically straight lines from one nexus to another. Around the highlands, and especially around the rock farm that had been founded there, it was different. Maud could feel it in her hooves. The laylines curved back in on themselves, forming loops and rings and what unicorn researchers would have called impossible shapes if any of them had ever been of a mind to listen to an earth pony talking about a rock farm.

Maud got to the top of the next hill and stopped, looking down at the Pie Family Farm.

"I'm home," she said to herself. It had been a long time.

As she walked, Maud took in all the details of the farm. Things hadn't really changed much since she'd left. That was good. She'd sent her parents money specifically so things didn't have to change. The bottom had fallen out of the artisan rock market a decade ago, and times had been tough since.

Some ponies would have philosophical discussions about if they'd kill for their loved ones. Maud skipped the philosophy and focused the discussion on the number of bits to be paid.

She could see all the old sights. The canyon, Holder's Boulder, the farmhouse. The only thing that didn't fit was the cart in front of the house and the three ponies standing on the front porch. Maud walked silently towards them, her steps so quiet they were like a bubble of anti-sound around her, the same quiet that you heard in the middle of the night when you woke up in an empty room with the half-awake half-dreaming sense that there was a shadow watching you with unseen eyes.

The silence made by the boogeymare under the bed.

"Mister Irons is making you a fair offer," the lead pony of the three said. Maud could tell from his tone that fair, in this case, included a promise not to break anypony's legs - but not a lot of money. "You'd be wise to take it."

The other two were big, quiet, and had cutie marks that indicated they were either quite talented at sports or they'd found out at an early age that a baseball bat was a powerful tool for debate and discussion.

"We shall not be intimidated by thy words," her father said, glaring at the lead pony. "I command thou to leave my land and never return. Tell thy 'Mister Irons' that he is not welcome here and we shall not leave."

"Are these ponies bothering you, father?" Maud asked. She'd stepped into the middle of the group. They hadn't seen her until she spoke up. Ponies often didn't notice her, when she wasn't trying to be noticed.

One of the two thugs raised his hoof to strike her. She caught his elbow and twisted, gently. Something popped, and a few seconds later the pain reached the tiny bit of gristle that he used for a brain and he howled in agony, his forehoof dangling limp at the elbow.

"It's dislocated. You should probably have an expert pop it back in," Maud said. She stepped over and did so. "It's a useful first-aid trick to learn. If you'd like, I can dislocate it again so you can practice."

His eyes rolled up and he passed out, falling over heavily.

"Never mind," Maud said, shrugging.

"We'll be back," the lead pony muttered. "Slugger, get Louie up into the cart. We're going to tell Mister Irons that they ain't being reasonable."

Maud stepped aside to let the two thugs leave in relative peace.

"Maud," her father said, letting the thugs leave. "I told thou that thy violence is disgraceful."

"Sorry," Maud said.

There was a long pause, both of them looking at each other. Her father nodded. "Come inside. Thine sister has told me that thou hath taken a new path in life."

Maud nodded and followed him in. The farmhouse was a temple to memory. Some of it was hers, like the patch on the wall where she'd accidentally put her hoof through the plaster trying to swat a fly. But there as a sense of deep time, too. When she'd made that hole, they'd found a cigar box in the hollow behind it, with century-old newspaper clippings about steam-powered farming equipment (it had never caught on) and wooden toys carved from the branches of the hearty, twisted olive trees that clung stubbornly to the poor soil.

"Maud Pie," her mother said. Maud turned slowly to look at her. Her mother's expression was somewhere between angry and disappointed.

Maud waited silently for the judgement to come down on her. Just like the weather, she was powerless to do anything to stop it.

"Wash your hooves. Lunch will be on the table in ten minutes." Her mother said, finally, turning away to go back into the kitchen.

"Sir," Maud said, once her mother had left. "What were those ponies outside here for?"

"There have been several offers made to buy the farm," Igneous said, more quietly than usual. "I have refused them, as is my right. They are unfortunately becoming increasingly insistent."

"I could take care of the problem," Maud said.

"No," her father said, sternly. "This is not thy farm. Thou made that clear when thou left. Thy sister left to pursue her own path, and we are proud of her. We are not proud of what thou hath done."

"I know," Maud said.

"We will deal with this in our own way. Thou hath troubled thyself enough with our problems." In an uncharacteristic show of warmth, he briefly hugged her. But only briefly. "Thou art welcome to stay for the night."

"Thank you," Maud replied.

Maud's hooves were so clean you could eat with them by the time she sat down at the table with her family, though the look on her mother's face said that she not-so-privately was of the opinion that some things, like blood, didn't simply wash away.

"Why did you even come back?" Limestone asked, getting right to the point. That was something Maud liked about Limestone. You always knew where you stood with her. Usually it was on shaky ground, and she was always looking for reasons not to like a pony, but she was honest about it. Maud had dealt with a lot of ponies who were polite to each other's faces and then hired her to handle the less polite parts of life.

"I missed being here," Maud said, simply. "I missed all of you." She even missed the stone soup. Other ponies always did it wrong - they kept adding more and more to the soup until it was something like a vegetable soup that had a rock at the bottom instead of proper stone soup. You hardly got any of the healthy minerals when you adulterated it like that.

"How many ponies did you kill on your way from the train station?" Limestone spat.

"I do not want that sort of talk at my kitchen table!" Quartz said, not quite in a shout but using a tone that said that it could quite easily be a shout and not one that anypony would want to be on the other end of.

"None," Maud replied, once things had quieted down and she'd had a few calming spoonfuls of stone soup. Her mother had used the good granite from the south field. "I don't do that anymore."

"Good," her mother said. "Maybe you can go back to school and finish your rocktorate."

"And then when thou hath made a proper mare of yourself, the pairing stone will see fit to point thou towards a stallion," her father added.

"...I'm already seeing somepony," Maud said, looking down into her soup and not their eyes. Silence reigned at the table for a long minute.

"And you didn't think to bring him here?" Quartz frowned.

"I wasn't sure if you would approve of her," Maud admitted.

"A mare?" Marble asked, her voice squeaking. She blushed.

"And you didn't think to bring her here?" Quartz corrected, in the same disapproving tone she'd used when she'd thought it was a stallion.

"She's... different," Maud said. There were a great many things she could say about her marefriend. Different was the one that her family would understand best. "She's a showpony."

"Is she a criminal?" Quartz asked.

"No, Ma'am."

"And she makes you happy?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Fine," Quartz said. And that was that. Maud had expected that she'd have to defend herself, make a lot of explanations, she'd even made peace with the idea that she might have to choose between her family and her marefriend. She hadn't expected it to just be fine.

That worried her a little. Everything was too fine. It wasn't the kind of fine you got when things were at peace. It was the kind of fine you got when things were so bad that the problems you were bringing to the table just weren't important.

"Pinkie is doing well," Maud said, as they started eating again.

"We're very proud of your sister," Quartz said. "Even with her... unusual lifestyle." They weren't entirely sure that it was proper for her to be living with a married couple, especially since Pinkie Pie didn't seem to pay rent. They were still happy for her, even if the topic of grandfoals was as dangerous as a field of fire rubies after an earthquake.

"She's happy," Maud noted.

"And that is all any of us can hope for," Igneous said. "It hath pleased me to work here on our land, but I do not want any of thou to feel trapped by it. I would be satisfied if thou all left the farm as long as thou left it doing something that thou enjoyed."

Maud almost dropped her spoon. She'd never heard her father like this before. He was as solid as, well, a rock. Not like slate or pumice, either, but one of the really tough rocks, like flint.

"Yeah right," Limestone snorted. "I'm not leaving. This is going to be my farm someday."

"Igneous, what's wrong?" Quartz asked. "This isn't like you."

"We hath had dangerous visitors to the farm. I fear for thy safety."

Limestone looked at Maud.

"I am not referring to thy sister. She drove them away. While I do not approve of her methods, her heart is in the right place."

"Whatever," Limestone grumbled. "I'm going to go work on the south field. The rocks need to be turned. Come on, Marble."

"Maud, go with thy sisters," Igneous said. "Keep them safe."

Maud nodded and got up, leaving her parents to clean up and discuss, quietly, the future.

"I don't need your help," Limestone said.

"I know," Maud replied. She flipped over a boulder anyway. There was an understanding between them. Limestone didn't need help, so she'd never ask for it. Maud didn't offer help and just did things on her own, even if coincidentally they made things easier for her sister. Limestone didn't complain, much, and didn't thank her either.

"Mm." Marble hummed, as she worked on the smaller stones, making sure they were all turned. It was a very detail-oriented job and it took a keen eye to make sure that the right stones were turned. Marble was the best at it. She never seemed to make a mistake, and moved at what seemed like a slow pace until you left her alone for a while and came back to find that she'd worked an entire field when you weren't looking.

Maud found the work relaxing. The repetition let her work without having to think too much. A rock farm was easier to manage than a more traditional plot, as long as you didn't mind the heavy lifting.

There was a crack of thunder. Maud looked up. It didn't look like a storm. The sky above was filled with clouds, slowly circling in a lazy spiral. The twisted laylines trapped them, though it rarely actually rained. They were just loose, wild scraps of cloud that covered up the blue in a quilted shroud.

Limestone screamed.

Maud was on her in seconds. Limestone was clutching her leg, and there was already blood dripping from a wound going right through her right hind leg, like she'd been shot with a crossbow - with no sign of the bolt. Had she already torn it out?

Marble looked between Maud and Limestone, breathing heavily and about to faint.

Maud tore a strip from her dress and tied it tightly around Limestone's leg like a bandage, trying to keep pressure on it.

"We need to get her back to the house," Maud said. "Did you see what happened?"

Marble shook her head.

There was another crack of thunder, and sparks flew from the rock next to Maud's hooves. Maud froze and looked up. There was a pony walking towards them, carrying something like a hand crossbow crossed with a clock. She didn't know what it was, except that it was a weapon. Even if Limestone wasn't hurt, the way he was carrying it spoke volumes.

"Run," Maud said. She put Limestone on Marble's back. "Back to the house. Don't look back."

Marble opened her mouth to say something, then nodded and bolted, only slightly slowed by Limestone's weight.

Maud saw the weapon rise, pointing towards the fleeing ponies, and moved with the speed of a snake, raising her hoof with the same precise motion she used to deflect crossbow bolts.

Something hit her shoe and she felt the metal bend. There was a sharp pain as her hoof cracked, and she stumbled. She hadn't even seen the bolt. It had been pure luck that she'd managed to block it.

There was another crack, less than a second later. Marble gasped and fell, Limestone tumbling from her back. Marble curled up around her stomach, shaking hooves wrapped around her body.

Maud charged the armed pony. She had to remove the threat before she could help. A fifth crack, and she felt something slam into her chest, spinning her around and sending her to the ground.

"Mister Irons sends his regards," the pony said. The same stupid thug from before. If she'd followed her instincts and twisted his head off, her family wouldn't have gotten hurt. She tried to get up, her breath ragged and painful.

The weapon tilted down to point at her head. There was a click.

"A dud?" The thug asked. "Well, guess it's your lucky day. Tell your parents that they're evicted. If they ain't out of here by tomorrow, they'll be here permanently, in neat little holes."

He kicked her and left. Maud crawled towards Marble and Limestone. Her vision had turned into a tunnel, focused only on her sisters. She had to get to them, and make sure they were safe.

Somepony grabbed her shoulder. She tried to fight them off.

"Lie still," her father said. "I have thou."

Maud looked up, and in the sudden relief of knowing that somepony was there to help, she let go, passing out.

Maud woke up. It wasn't a slow awakening. She wasn't disturbed by odd dreams. Her parents didn't have the kind of painkillers and medicines needed to turn agony into psychedelic delirium while a pony healed. Instead, the moment she started to wake, the pain forced her to full alertness.

"Thou art awake?" Her father asked. He must have heard her stirring.

"Yes," Maud said, her throat dry.

"I am sorry for involving thou in this," her father said. "We art leaving tonight. Thy sisters need to go to the hospital lest their wounds prove fatal."

Maud nodded.

"I am not a dishonorable stallion," her father continued. "But I feel as though I am running away and letting the ponies that tried to end my family do what they want. Can there be any greater shame?"

Maud listened, not saying anything yet.

"Maud, these ponies hurt thou and thy sisters and there is nothing I can do about it."

"Have you gone to the Guard?" Maud asked. She felt stupid for saying it. Somepony with her long list of crimes should never tell somepony to run to the authorities. It might give them ideas, like about turning in an assassin for her own good.

"I believe thou hath already met the local guards, though they were out of uniform at the time." Igneous said. "Corporal Slugger and Private Louie. Brothers."

"...They're working as muscle on the side," Maud noted. So the locals wouldn't be any help, and there was no easy way to get word to anypony higher up, not that her father would know who to trust. Who could say how high up the ladder the corruption went? Trying to get help could be more dangerous than the trouble you were already in.

Well, there was one pony she knew wasn't corrupt. She wasn't sure if she was quite willing to go to Shining Armor and ask for his help, though. He'd want to do something stupid like arrest the ponies who had hurt Marble and Limestone.

"Get out of town for a few days," Maud said. "Go to Ponyville. Visit Pinkie. They have a good hospital there." She'd used it herself a few times. They were very keen on doctor-patient confidentiality.

Igneous nodded. "Maud, remember that killing is a stain on thy soul. There is always a better way. Finding that better way has eluded me so far, but I hope that thou proveth wiser than I."

"I'll let you know when you can come back," Maud replied. "Can you bring me some water and something to eat? I need to keep my strength up."

Her family had left quickly after that, leaving the ancient farmhouse empty and silent. Maud ate the beans her mother had made for a dinner that wouldn't be served and sipped at a cup of lukewarm tea. While she worked her way through the meal, she evaluated her wounds.

Her hoof was wrapped up in bandages, and it was a little sore, but she could ignore that. If it came to fighting she'd probably regret it later, but if she was careful not to aggravate it too much it would heal on its own in a few days.

The chest wound was more concerning. She'd been lucky. Very lucky. The shot had hit her ribs instead of going right through her. She could feel something lodged in there, irritating and painful with every breath. She unwrapped the bandages and used a clean knife from the kitchen to carefully remove it, changing the bandages afterwards.

It was a little lead slug, the size of a marble. With how much damage it had done, it had to have been going incredibly quickly. It explained why she hadn't been able to stop it with her hoof.

He'd fired five times, then left when the sixth hadn't worked. Since he'd left, the weapon must take a long time to reload, longer than a crossbow. And it wasn't completely reliable. Incredibly loud, too. A weapon for terror, not for a professional.

Maud waited for night to fall before she left the house, a plan forming as she walked into the small hamlet near the train station.

"I'm telling you, it still hurts," Louie complained, as he limped around the small Guard post. "I swear that mule put it back wrong."

"Well she got hers. Bronze went out there today with the gun and put the fear of Mister Irons in them," Slugger said. "She's in worse shape than you are, if she ain't dead."

"That gun thing gives me the creeps," Louie muttered. "It's gotta be some kind of magic."

"Mister Irons says it's just alchemy."

"So was that stuff you bought from those two unicorn brothers and that did not work as advertised. Bigger in three days or your money back my ass. It did the bloody opposite of what it was supposed to!"

"You were a pretty cute mare until it wore off, though."

"I told you not to talk about that!"

"You brought it up!" Slugger said, raising his hooves defensively. Before Louie could yell at him again, there was a knock on the door. Slugger got up and walked over to it, and the moment he touched the doorknob, it was blown inwards by a kick that sent the doorknob into his forehead and knocked him to the ground with a concussion.

"Knock, knock," Maud said, flatly.

Louie went for a weapon, and then things went poorly for him.

"Slugger said they left on the evening train to Ponyville," Bronze said. "So there you go, Dad. I told you I'd get them out of there."

Mister Irons was the second-largest landowner in the area. The largest, if one didn't count the Pie family. He was a big pony, built like a train and just about as strong. He also tended to run in straight lines right over anything in his path.

His mansion was the only house in a hundred miles in any direction that didn't have a thatched roof. It wouldn't have been out of place in Canterlot. It was his own little castle, and just about as well protected.

"Good," Irons said, looking over the map. "We'll get the surveyors out there in a couple days. Then we can lay th' foundations for the biggest casino outside of Los Pegasus."

"And it's legal?"

"Sure. The farm was the key to the whole place. Used to be where the local lord lives, and the deed says whoever owns the land gets to pass local laws. We'll write up a title change with my lawyers, send the family some bits, and it'll look all nice and legal. If they don't like it, they can always disappear. Ponies do that, sometimes."

"It's just a good thing we had the gun, boss," Bronze said, patting the weapon in its holster, slung under one foreleg. "That one mare was crazy."

Irons frowned. "Whattaya mean?"

"Boss!" yelled a pony, rushing into the room in a panic. "We got trouble. Something happened down at the guard post in town. You gotta see it."

"Buck me," Irons swore, as he looked in the door. He wasn't going inside. He could see well enough from out on the front porch. Slugger and Louie weren't going to be taking bribes again anytime soon. Somepony had bound them with their own hoofcuffs and hung them by their tails from the roof. They weren't dead, but they'd probably be in traction for a while.

"Get us down from here," Louie said, weakly. "I'm gonna throw up..."

"It had to be that crazy mare," Bronze muttered. "Leave 'em. Snooker, Cueball, keep an eye out. She might still be hanging around." The two thugs nodded and got into good spots for watching the streets around the building. At this time of night it was mostly dead outside. A owl hooted from one of the twisted scrubland trees and made Bronze almost jump out of his skin.

"What was her name?" Irons asked, quietly, getting a sinking feeling.

"How in Tartarus should I know, Dad?" Bronze thought for a few long moments. "I think I heard her dad call her Maud when we were leaving after the first time."

"Maud?" Irons asked. "Maud Pie? They're that Pie family?!"

"What's the big deal?" Bronze asked, shrugging.

"You idiot! Maud Pie is a professional assassin! She's killed more ponies than some wars!" Irons started pacing. "You coltcuddling idiot! You shot her family and then didn't even have the sense to finish her off!"

"We've still got the gun," Bronze said. "I'll just get her next time."

"You'd better," Irons hissed. "Otherwise we're all dead."

"She can't be that bad, Dad," Bronze assured his father. "She's just one mare."

"Just one mare," Irons muttered. "Snooker, Cueball, we're heading back to the house-" he stopped. "Where's Snooker?"

Cueball and Bronze turned to where Irons was looking. The spot that Snooker had been standing in was vacant. Bronze drew the gun and carefully made his way over, staying well out in the open where nopony could get the drop on him.

"There's no sign of him," Bronze said, after a moment. "He's just gone."

"So are we," Irons stated. "We're going back to the house, then in the morning we're hunting her down."

"Right," Bronze agreed. "We'll just stick together and keep an eye out. She can't ambush all of us."

The three moved as a group, Bronze in front with the gun, Cueball in back, and Irons wisely in the middle where Maud would have to kill somepony else before getting to him.

Bronze spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. He spun and took a wild shot, the bullet vanishing into darkness.

"Buck!" Irons yelled. "You idiot! You gotta save it for when we can see the mule!"

"I thought I did see her!" Bronze protested. Irons shoved him forwards. He grumbled and took a few more steps before somepony moved in the darkness right in front of him. Bronze fired twice, and at this range he could hardly miss. Both shots struck true, and his target fell to the ground.

"Did you get her?" Cueball asked.

"I plugged that-" Bronze's smirk fled as he got closer to what he'd been shooting and got a look through the gloom at just what it was.

A log rolled slowly in a circle, two holes punched through it, the hot lead still smoking.

"No no no..." Bronze muttered, looking around. "Come out here and fight fair, you bucking mule!"

"Look at this bucking genius son of mine," Irons growled. "Demands that an assassin he personally wronged comes out and fights him. Cueball, keep an eye out in case she tries sneaking up behind us."

"No problem, boss. I got eyes in the back of my-" Cueball had been about to say head, but he was cut off when a rock hit him between the eyes and he responded by hitting the ground. The ground didn't seem to notice, nor would Cueball be noticing anything for a few minutes.

Bronze fired again. The bullet hit something in the darkness and sprayed sparks, like flint against steel.

"You hurt my family," Maud said, from somewhere in the shadows. Her voice seemed to be coming from all around them.

"Keep the damn farm!" Irons yelled. He knew how much a life was worth. His, in particular, was worth whatever it took to avoid the reaper. "Just walk away and we'll forget this whole bucking mess!"

"Do you know what it's like when somepony hurts your family?"

Bronze took careful aim and shot. The bullet rebounded again, like he was shooting at a wall of iron.

"You will," Maud promised. A plow was thrown out of the darkness, two dents visible on the iron surface where it had deflected bullets. Bronze screamed as it hit him and knocked him over, the gun falling from his hoof and sliding along the ground, stopping right in front of grey hooves.

"Oh no," Bronze whispered. Maud picked up the gun and trotted over to him, limping slightly.

She raised the gun, pointed it between his eyes- and pointed it to the side, firing into the air.

"Six shots," she noted. "It's just a toy now." Bronze looked relieved, until Maud flipped the gun around so she was holding the barrel and slammed the butt down on his knee.

The gun broke. So did the leg it hit. Maud tossed the remains aside, the gun falling apart. Gears and springs tinkled as they scattered across the street. Bronze fell to his side, almost passing out from the pain.

"Stop it!" Bronze yelled. He looked at his father.

Irons glared into Maud's eyes, ignoring his son.

"You dumb-" Irons used a word which is difficult to translate from the original Prench, but if there was a proper translation, the power of the swear would have been enough to make flowers wilt. "If they'd just taken the money and left none of this would have happened!"

"There are things more important than money," Maud said.

"Like what? A farm that can't even turn a profit?" Irons demanded. "Rock farms are pointless! A decent Diamond Dog mine can shift ten times the volume!"

"I'm not here to debate," Maud said, calmly. She put a hoof on Bronze's head. "My father wanted me to stop killing, but I don't know if there's another way out of this situation."

"Dad, make her stop!" Bronze yelled, as the pressure slowly increased.

"The thing about killing is that it's incredibly difficult. The first time. You look into a pony's eyes and watch the light just fade away, and something inside you dies, too."

"Dad!" Bronze squeaked.

"It gets easier every time, though," Maud continued.

"Let him go," Irons whispered, his voice catching in his throat, stuck in a tug-of-war between fury and fear.

"I could probably put my hoof right through him until I hit the cobblestones," Maud noted. "How important is family to you, Mister Irons? It's important to me."

"You made your point. Let him go," Irons took a half step forwards.

"Royal guards are on the way," Maud said. "I sent a message to Captain Shining Armor. He doesn't take bribes, and threats don't work."

"So what?" Irons snapped, fury finally winning. "My lawyers will have me out by lunchtime, and if you don't get away from my son right now, I'm gonna make sure that you ain't around to see it happen!"

"That's what worries me," Maud said. "I don't think you're smart enough to stop on your own."

Irons charged her. She'd seen it coming from miles away. Maud raised her hoof and punched Irons in the chest. The sound was like a shovel hitting wet concrete. He fell next to his son, blood streaming from his mouth.

Bronze screamed. Maud dragged him up to his hooves.

"My sisters are in the hospital because of you," Maud said, meeting his terrified gaze with her blank, empty stare. She tossed him back to the ground, on top of his father. "I'd start running if I was you. I'll give you a head start since you hurt your leg."

"Knock knock," Maud said, tapping on the doorframe to the hospital room. Marble and Limestone were resting safely. Pinkie had been smart about things - there was a big stallion standing guard outside the room, just in case.

"It's well that you're in health," her father said, stiffly.

"The farm is safe," Maud said. "You won't be bothered again. I made sure."

"I understand," her father said. He wouldn't thank her. Not for what she'd done in the end.

"The Royal Guard are going to be staying around for a while, so I don't know if I can visit again," Maud continued. "Most of the ponies who were involved are going to prison, and without a leader they won't come back together-"

"Maud," Her father said quietly, cutting her off. "It's unnecessary to go into detail." He meant that he didn't want to hear about what she'd had to do. Especially not in front of Maud's sisters.

Maud nodded.

"Have the doctor take a look at those wounds," he said, after a moment of silence. "It would be wise to make use of the hospital while thou are in it."

Maud nodded again. She looked at her sleeping sisters. "They'll be okay?"

Her father was quiet for a worryingly long moment. "Limestone will likely always walk with a limp. She almost lost her leg."

"And Marble?"

"She will recover. Her wounds were more severe, but the doctors here saved her. It may be months before she can eat solid food again."

"That's-" Maud wasn't sure what the right word was. It wasn't good. Nothing that had happened had been good. But it could have been worse. They were alive, and that had to be enough for today. She settled for nodding, not finishing the sentence when a word hadn't presented itself.

"Your mother is visiting Pinkie Pie and the Cake family," her father noted. "Thou should see her before thou leave." And that was that. A dismissal. Very polite, just a suggestion of what to do next, but also as firm as the rock that they worked.

"I will. Be well." She left to find a doctor. Her father was right. She would be unwise not to have her wounds examined by a professional. He was also right that she couldn't stay in town.

Later, Maud walked out of town, along a path that went through the Whitetail Woods and skirted the Everfree. Compared to the infertile scrubland around her family's farm, the land here did its best to cover the rock. A thick layer of loam covered the bedrock below. The water table was near the surface here, and she could feel it below her, a cold sensation like damp clothing.

The laylines here were straight and firm, like a spider web stretching to infinity. Maud could feel it in her hooves. A tranquil, calm web below her, the sea of rock and dirt at peace here. It would have been a terrible place for a rock farm, without the tension and energy of the twisted laylines of home.

Maud got to the crest of the next hill, one of the many foothills on the path away from Canterlot, and looked over the plains before her, stretching all the way to the horizon. The path split here, one way going out into the wide plains, the other continuing at the edge of the woods. It was impossible to see where either would end up, from here. They might even, despite appearances, end up joining back together.

Maud stood for a long time, deciding between the shadowy path near the woods and the open, exposed way through the fields. Neither one was well-traveled, and there weren't signs to guide her on the way.

After a while, she made her choice.

"...Most of the ponies suffered varying degrees of blunt-force trauma," Shining Armor continued. Celestia listened intently, her tea cooling and untouched. "Several have confessed, but they've been coerced, so it might not stand up in court."

"Convene a special session and I'll deal with it personally, Captain," Princess Celestia said.

"A special session? But they have the right to-"

She raised a hoof, cutting him off. "I am the absolute ruler of this country, Captain Armor. I could order them imprisoned for no reason at all. But I won't. This will be a special session due to the circumstances, not the secret trial and obulette that you are imagining."

Shining Armor sighed and put the file he'd been reading on her desk.

"And what about the Pie family?" He asked.

"They're victims, as one can plainly see."

"Your highness, four ponies are in the hospital and two are missing, presumed dead. Revenge killing is still murder."

Celestia picked up her teacup, spinning it around and looking into it. "You know, Captain, you're an interesting pony. You're worried about my personally intervening in a trial, but you want to arrest the victims of attempted murder."

"They need to be brought in for questioning, at least. Maud Pie is a killer."

"Ah, I understand," Celestia said. "It's a sentiment that I haven't heard in some time, Captain, so you'll have to forgive me. I try to live in the present, a skill an immortal has to cultivate to stay part of society, and the notion that a family carried the burden of each other's sins didn't occur to me for a few moments."

"I'm not saying they're killers too," Shining Armor said, quickly. "But they had to know what was going on. We'd arrest a pony if they had a vicious animal that mauled somepony."

"Family members aren't dogs, Captain Armor. Sometimes they do things you disagree with, things you can't condone or forgive. They're still your family, and you love them despite that." She sighed. "Even when no one else does."

Author's Notes:

So as it turns out, Persona 5 is a great game. Highly recommended, unless you want to be productive at all. That ate a hundred hours out of my life that I don't regret, but I think it's time to get this thing polished off.

This chapter actually went through several rewrites. The first version was even more depressing. I apologize if I butchered the anachronistic speech at all. I'm hardly an expert and mostly just went by what sounded right.

Next, the biggest heist of them all. Danger, excitement, and misunderstandings as Twilight and her friends go up against the forces of good. Wait, good? Maybe some mistakes were made along the way...

Darkest Hour Part One! - The Edge of Night

Twilight clung to the giant statue. It wasn't the easiest thing to do with hooves, given that the stone (Maud had mentioned something about oddly porous anthracite, and probably would have loved to be this close) was slightly damp, slightly slimy from something growing on it, and very dark. The only light, in fact, came from the candles of the cult meeting below, and that meant no magic, either, unless she wanted to make her head a very visible and attractive target.

It was, in short, something of a challenge. Climbing up a statue of some giant horned toad-god in the dark while remaining quiet enough to avoid the notice of a cult and not using any magic at all. The sort of thing that really made Twilight feel alive.

She slipped up onto the statue's head, hiding in the shadow of a huge antler and pulling a crowbar from her pack. A bat flapped past her head, and she had to resist the urge to slap it away from her mane. Losing her grip would be a mistake when the floor was thirty paces down. Tonight's targets were the eyes of the statue, which were a type of rare scarlet emerald.

Twilight moved slowly, slipping the crowbar into place over the course of a few quiet minutes. Being exposed was dangerous, but moving quickly was a sure-fire way to be noticed. Twilight had to hope that the cultists were too busy licking toads or whatever it was that ponies did when they wanted to commune with a god that didn't respond to standard post. She wiggled the crowbar and felt the recessed setting for the gem bend and release.

She slid the edge of her cloak down over the gem and grabbed it, using the dark fabric to conceal the glitter as it moved. One down, one to go. Pulling back to the shadows, she moved around the back of the statue's neck and to the other side. Her hoofholds were a little less firm here, and the angle was more awkward. She slipped the crowbar in and misjudged the amount of force to use, the red jewel popping totally free and falling.

Twilight almost screamed. She lunged with the crowbar, catching it in the curve at the very end like a lacrosse ball. With a careful flip and twist, she snatched it out of the air and held it, sighing with relief.

"The Eyes of Terrargon, the Terrapin of, um, terror," Twilight said, taking the hoof-sized gems out of the black velvet bag she'd carried them in. "Not bad for a hard night's work."

"No kidding," Gilda smiled. "Look at these things!" She held one up. Impurities in the stone made it look like it was shot through with blood-red veins. Twilight almost expected them to start bleeding.

"They're very nice specimens," Maud agreed. "It's a shame to sell them."

"Maybe we'll donate one to a museum," Twilight considered. "They're sort of a historical artifact, right?"

"Please, darling," Rarity snorted. "A museum? What you should do is give them to me and I'll be very appreciative." She smiled and leaned into Twilight, making the lavender unicorn turn slightly more red than purple.

"No way," Gilda said. "Not again. I'd rather give it to Maud at that point. At least she won't just prance around with it and make us say how pretty she looks."

"I'd give it to Trixie," Maud admitted.

"You ponies," Gilda groaned. "We need bits! Our last jobs have, collectively, gotten us buck all except hospital bills. This was a success. A really good one! We got away trot-free and the cult of whatever it is doesn't even know we were there. No Shining Armor, no mafia trying to kill us, no strange ponies following us, and we've got the goods."

"Well," A voice said from the ceiling. "You're mostly right."

Gilda turned and fired. A shape dropped down to the ground and landed like a cat. The crossbow bolt skidded across the floor and stopped at Gilda's talons, the tip covered in black blood.

"Missed my heart," the pony said, standing up and spreading his wings. Bat wings. He had a dark grey coat and long, black mane that didn't quite cover his glowing, catlike eyes.

"Oh feathers," Gilda swore. "A vampony."

"That's a common misunderstanding," the pony said. "Not all thestrals are vamponies."

"Thestrals?" Twilight asked.

"Bat-ponies, darling," Rarity sighed. "Somewhat rare."

"I mean, I am a vampony, but it would be really racist to assume all of us are," the pony continued.

Gilda glared. "So as I was saying, oh feathers, a vampony."

"Yes, but I wanted to make sure you weren't just saying that because of my race. We're somewhat sensitive about that," the vampony continued.

Maud tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, and she had a broken chair leg in one hoof, ready to ram it into his chest.

"I'm here to make you a job offer!" the vampony said, quickly, raising his hooves defensively.

Maud looked at Twilight, still holding the improvised stake.

"We'll listen, then decide if we're going to stake him," Twilight decided. "Gilda's right that we could use some money."

"Thank you," the vampony sighed, as Maud lowered her weapon.

"I suppose it falls to me to be the hostess," Rarity said. "Would you like something to drink? Aside from us, I mean."

"I am a bit thirsty," the vampony smiled. "But don't worry. I do, in fact, drink... wine."

It turned out that the vampony drank a lot of wine. And that his name was Moonsilver. And that he could not sing, especially after a few bottles of Merlot.

"If we were in my home," Moonsilver grumbled, "the children of the night would have provided backup vocals."

"Yes, well, I'm sure that would have helped you high that high C," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.

"As I was saying," Moonsilver said, ignoring her. "I want to hire you for a job. A relatively simple one. You did good work with the cult, and that's more or less the sort of job I need you for."

"You were watching me?" Twilight frowned. "I didn't see you."

"Oh, you saw me," Moonsilver smirked. "I was a little smaller than I am now."

"The bat?" Twilight asked.

"One of the many perks of being a vampony. Along with immortality, supernatural strength and speed..."

"Daring fashion sense," Rarity put in.

"You would think that," Gilda rolled her eyes. "He's wearing a frilly shirt like a mare."

"This shirt was the height of fashion two hundred years ago," Moonsilver noted. "Though to be fair, things very rarely go out of style for stallions. A dress from a century ago would look terribly outdated."

"I suppose it would," Rarity admitted.

"Tell us about the job," Maud said.

"My employer-"

"Terrible dark master, you mean?" Rarity put in.

"She'd prefer Mistress, but fine. My terrible dark mistress has asked me-"

"Come now, darling, a dark mistress commands, they don't ask."

Moonsilver rolled his eyes. "Madam, I am trying to answer a question. Pray, let me continue? I know vamponies are stereotypically very theatrical, but most of us aren't actually great fans of poetry or languishing on fainting couches."

"I just thought that you might want to give the request a certain gravitas, darling."

Moonsilver closed his eyes for a moment, whispering under his breath. "I swear on Luna's Dark Side if she starts asking if I glitter in the sunlight, there will be a reckoning."

"Just ignore her and tell us," Gilda said, putting a talon over Rarity's mouth to shush her when she started to protest.

"My employer-" he looked at Rarity. "Asked me to find ponies with a certain set of skills. She needs to have several items secured and extracted from a dangerous location."

"Ah," Twilight smiled. "A heist!"

"Quite," Moonsilver nodded. "It's going to be high risk, high reward. I know the general location where the items will be found, but not the specifics. We'll need to hire a local guide when we arrive, but my employer will be funding our expedition."

"A local guide? Expedition? Sounds more like archeology," Gilda noted.

"I like archeology," Maud said. "There are usually a lot of rocks. There was a megalith site near my family farm that had onyx blocks from a thousand miles away. Each of them was as big as a house."

"Really?" Rarity raised her eyebrows. "How did they move them?"

"They pushed them," Maud said. "It just took a long time."

"Oh."

"Archeology isn't entirely the wrong word for it either," Moonsilver agreed. "The site is believed to be magically preserved, though neither I nor my employer have been able to visit it. We'll have to work from somewhat outdated information, thus the need for the local guide."

"What are we after?" Twilight asked.

"Have you ever heard of the Elements of Harmony?" Moonsilver asked.

"They were in a storybook," Cadance said.

"Correct," Celestia said, smiling. "I'm afraid that's how a lot of history has been remembered, going from history book to myth to old mare's tale."

"So they're real?" Shining Armor asked.

Celestia looked to her right, and Sunset Shimmer stepped forward with a huge, ornate tome.

"The Elements of Harmony are powerful tools to combat darkness and chaos," Celestia said. "They were first used to defeat Discord, then, later, to prevent the destruction of Equestria from within."

"They're a kind of magical super-weapon," Moonsilver explained, spreading out a few pages on the table showing magical diagrams. Twilight picked one up, whistling.

"Five enhancement nodes and a sixth master node," She said. "This is all in backwards Horse Latin. Star Swirl?"

"He studied them," Moonsilver said, nodding. "These are copies of notes from one of his portfolios. My employer has contacts in Canterlot that were able to get these from the library's most secure archives."

"And you want us to secure a magical superweapon for you," Twilight frowned. "Look, I know we're all rogues here, but I'm sort of against anypony having that much power."

"Good!" Moonsilver smiled brightly. "We agree."

"You do?"

Moonsilver nodded. "We don't want you to bring us the weapon. We want to keep anypony from being able to use it."

"They're probably the strongest magical artifacts in the world," Sunset said, as she flipped through the portfolio. She'd already read it in detail, of course, but she enjoyed looking at the diagrams. There was a kind of purity to it in the detailed, almost fractal designs Star Swirl drew in his attempt to map out the enchantments on the Elements.

"And they've just been sitting in the open?" Shining Armor frowned. "That seems irresponsible."

"Not exactly in the open," Celestia said. "The Elements are..." She hesitated. "Protected."

"I don't like the sound of that," Cadance muttered.

"They were left in a secure place," Celestia eventually said, after some thought on how to phrase it. "But it was a long time ago. A thousand years, almost to the day."

"Now I'm going to go and get them," Sunset said, closing the book. "Definitely a job for the Grand Magus."

Celestia coughed.

Sunset rolled her eyes. "I guess you all can come too."

Celestia coughed again, with a little more force.

Sunset grit her teeth. "And we'll... work together as a team."

"So where are these things?" Twilight asked. "Germaney? Prance? Yakyakistan?"

"Nowhere so far away," Moonsilver said. "I'm sure you've heard of the Everfree Forest?"

"Oh yes," Rarity said. "It's right near where I grew up. It's a dreadful place. Monsters and thick woods and chaotic magic and worse."

"Exactly so," Moonsilver agreed. "Near the center of it is an ancient castle. In the castle is a vault. In the vault are the Elements."

"What kind of defenses are we looking at?" Twilight asked.

"Well, let's start with the forest," Moonsilver pulled out a map. The Everfree was marked with a helpful blank expanse that simply said 'here there be monsters'. "It is unmapped, perhaps unmappable. According to my sources, there was a significant magical disaster there."

"A magical disaster, and a magical superweapon in the middle of it," Gilda noted. "Let me guess - they're related."

"That would certainly seem to be the case," Moonsilver pursed his lips. "I'm afraid that the older maps get, the less accurate they are, and maps old enough to include our target are about the same as if I attempted to draw a city map of Neigh Orleans from memory on the back of a bar napkin using a crayon."

"That is a very specific example," Maud said.

"Yes, it is," Moonsilver agreed. "Don't ask."

"Okay, no problem," Twilight said. "Gilda can work from up high and find the castle."

"That wouldn't work so well, darling," Rarity said. "There's a significant amount of untamed weather, and from what I remember, my father said that the weather team wouldn't go into the Everfree to head it off before it could get to town."

"The high background level of magic makes it harder to fly," Moonsilver said. "Only very powerful fliers can even get off the ground. Not that I doubt your ability, of course. The bigger issue is the same reason there aren't maps - the area is... dimensionally confused. My employer has attempted aerial reconnaissance before. Sometimes ponies fly for five minutes and end up a hundred miles from where they started, flying in the opposite direction. Sometimes they fly for hours and only manage to get a mile into the forest. Sometimes they don't come back."

"That does not sound inviting," Twilight muttered.

"We think it's a kind of dimension torque rather than a glamour or teleportation effect," Sunset said. "Even so, we aren't going to risk it. We'll assume we have to go in on the ground. If nothing else, we can leave a trail of breadcrumbs."

"That's just going to lead the monsters to us," Cadance said.

"I can handle monsters," Sunset scoffed.

"This is supposed to be a covert operation," Celestia reminded her. "Setting most of the forest on fire isn't an option, this time."

"I could use ice," Sunset said, defensively.

"I would prefer you avoid any large-scale magic use. There's also the matter that quite a few of the monsters are debatably sentient."

Sunset rolled her eyes. "Are we really going to have an argument about monster rights again?"

"I don't know, Sunset, are you going to kill any baby dragons today?" Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ugh. Fine. So what are we going to do? Talk to them? Ask them nicely not to eat us?" Sunset was dripping with enough sarcasm that it could be bottled.

"That's an excellent idea. And that gives me a good opportunity for you to meet the castle's new game warden and apprentice alchemist. Miss Fluttershy?" She looked to an open doorway.

There was a long pause.

"Miss Fluttershy?" Celestia asked again. This time there was a soft meep from inside. The princess sighed and walked over to the doorway. "I'll be just a moment," She apologized.

"A local guide will know at least some of the hazards," Moonsilver said. "The trouble will be finding somepony that we can trust not to let the press or the local authorities catch wind of our operation."

"...I know somepony," Maud put in. "My sister. She lives in Ponyville."

"She can be trusted?" Moonsilver asked.

Maud nodded. "Absolutely. She never breaks a promise. Ever."

"Excellent," Moonsilver smiled. "Hopefully she'll be able to get us through the forest with minimal danger. After that, we'll reach the castle. When it was in use, it was the Equestrian capital, and it was during a time of war."

"So, really well defended?" Twilight asked.

Gilda shook her head. "Not without soldiers there. A castle without troops manning it is just a couple of walls. No big deal."

"There are likely going to be traps, and there could be guardian creatures of some kind. The second is unlikely, but my employer has assured me that it was heavily trapped even before it was abandoned. It's possible that additional wards were added later. That's why we need the best in the business."

"Does she have details on the traps?" Twilight asked.

"Some. I can provide you with rough detail and what she remembers. I can't promise 100% accuracy. Communicating with her at this distance is difficult and I can't take notes during our meetings."

"And the Elements themselves?" Rarity asked.

"Protected by a vault with magical locks. My employer believes they'll still be there. The vault served as a kind of, ah..." Moonsilver hesitated. "I'm not sure if this is the right term for it, but a place to recover and recharge."

"Magical locks can be hard to pick," Twilight noted.

"Thankfully, my employer is willing to provide a key."

"H-hello, everypony," Fluttershy said, looking down at her hooves. "Um, it's very nice to meet you."

"Fluttershy's special talent is communicating with animals," Celestia explained. "She can help negotiate passage with any sentient monsters you encounter. If you aren't able to get through peacefully, you can use whatever force is needed to protect yourselves."

"Most animals just want to be left alone, really," Fluttershy said. "If we explain we don't want to hurt them or take their food, they'll leave us alone."

"Wonderful," Sunset sighed.

"And in a stroke of luck, we have a local who can help you get through the forest," Celestia said. "Duchess Applejack has agreed to assist you. Her grandmother was one of the first ponies to do any real investigation of the Everfree and its ecosystem, and the only pony who has managed to cultivate one of the magically-enhanced species."

"Sounds like we should have her grandmother instead," Sunset said.

"Granny Smith would throw her hip out wanderin' around th' forest like a dang fool," Applejack said, as she closed the door behind her. She nodded to Celestia. "Princess. Sorry fer bein' late. I had to duck out of a couple of meetings with idiots tryin' to get me to sign off on tax havens in Ponyville." She snorted. "Like they think a farmer don't know taxes better'n most lawyers."

"It's perfectly fine, Duchess," Celestia said.

"Now, if y'all are gonna go into the Everfree, there are safe parts and there are real unsafe parts. Granny Smith taught me the knowin' of them, at least as much as she was able to figure out."

"Excellent," Celestia smiled. "And there's one last pony I'd like to assign to go with you. Captain Armor has already expressed his belief that a military team would be more likely to succeed, and he is at least somewhat correct. I've ordered for a member of the Wonderbolts to meet you in Ponyville. She's highly trained and talented."

"The most critical part of this operation is the timing," Moonsilver said. "There are two time limits on this operation. First, my employer wants this done before the Summer Sun Celebration."

"Why?" Twilight asked. "That's only two days from now."

"Because we have reason to believe that enemy agents will, at or before that time, attempt to retrieve the Elements. My employer is certain they have not been disturbed yet, but it's only a matter of time."

"You didn't mention enemy agents before," Rarity frowned.

"Can't just be monsters, nooo," Gilda snorted. "There have to be ponies trying to kill us too."

"Unlike you, we believe they'll attempt to retrieve the entire weapon," Moonsilver said, concerned. "If they're able to activate it, they'll be able to mount a strike on anyone they want. My employer cannot allow this to happen."

"What's the pay?" Maud asked.

"Anything you want, provided the operation is successful and the enemy agents are unable to activate the weapon." Moonsilver noted. "Bits. Pardons. Land. Noble titles. All of the above. I can promise that if you succeed you'll be set for life." He paused. "And I don't mean that in the 'a very short life' way. My employer rewards those who serve her extraordinarily well."

"You know, it occurs to me there's exactly one pony who can make those kind of offers," Gilda said, eyes narrowed.

Moonsilver watched her, his face unreadable.

"You're working for the crown," she accused.

"That's not inaccurate," Moonsilver admitted.

"It will be a very dangerous mission, my little ponies," Celestia said. "I'm sorry I have to ask this of you. I had... other plans, originally, but they didn't materialize in time."

"Don't worry," Sunset smiled. "It'll be a cake walk."

"I hope so, Sunset." Celestia sighed. "But... I worry. There are dark forces in motion. Be careful."

"Of course we're going to do it," Rarity hissed. "A real noble title, without having to marry some idiot like Blueblood?"

"Plus all the bits. They're good too," Maud noted.

"Well... I have sort of wanted to settle down, clear my record. Tartarus, maybe I'll just follow the Wonderbolts around on tour," Gilda smiled.

"I'd be able to visit my parents without having to worry about my brother arresting me," Twilight muttered. "Might be nice. Plus the riches and fame don't hurt."

"If you manage to stay respectable enough I might even be persuaded to let you court me," Rarity said, leaning back to file her hoof.

"..." Twilight's eyes went wide. "Hey, Batty! We're in!"

Lance-Corporal Rainbow Dash lounged in a cafe seat, sipping at a milkshake and looking up at the sky. She'd been told to wear something inconspicuous so she wouldn't stand out. That was, of course, impossible. Rainbow Dash would perform to an empty stadium just in case somepony showed up. If she had been allowed, she'd have just worn her Wonderbolts uniform, met the press, maybe signed a few autographs.

Instead, she was wearing the kind of clothing that a pony wore when she was trying hard to blend in. Sunglasses and an aloha shirt. She wasn't even sure where she'd gotten the shirt. It was the kind of clothing that no one ever actually bought but just seemed to materialize from time to time.

"Ugh," she muttered. "Ponyville? More like Dullsville." She put her milkshake down and looked around. There was nothing going on at all. She was supposed to meet ponies here for some kind of mission from the Crown.

"But at this rate I'll be an old mare by the time anypony gets here," she grumbled. "If they'd just told me when they wanted to meet up, at least I could have avoided getting here hours before they do."

She sighed and closed her eyes. She wondered if Sugarcube Corner would kick her out if she took a little nap. It was good to be well-rested before a mission, wasn't it?

Just as she started to doze off, she caught a strange scent. Like tobacco and cheap bourbon and down pillows.

She opened her eyes and looked to the side.

"Gilda?!" She sputtered. Gilda looked up from what she was doing, feathers ruffled in surprise. She spun around, talon reaching for something under her wing.

"Dash?" Gilda asked, starting to relax. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm... on vacation." Dash knew that wasn't a good excuse. Nopony would go on vacation to Ponyville. The most exciting thing in town was, well, it was Rainbow Dash, obviously, but the most exciting thing in town that actually belonged there was a farmer's market. And that was practically the opposite of exciting.

"You're on vacation." Gilda raised an eyebrow. She smirked a little. "Or did the Wonderbolts finally get tired of having Rainbow Dash, filly superstar, on their team?"

"Hey, I earned it. When Celestia found me after I did that first rainboom, she made sure I got all the training I'd need." She huffed. "You're just jealous because I got to graduate flight school early to train with the pros."

"A little jealous," Gilda admitted.

"What are you doing here?" Dash pressed.

"I'm, uh. I'm here with Maud," Gilda said, pointing. Maud was talking to the pink pony that had served Dash a milkshake. "Pinkie Pie is her sister. Figured it was stupid for her to go alone when we've had such a run of bad luck lately. Besides, she apparently makes great scones and I wanna get some tips."

Dash shrugged and looked around, having started to tune Gilda out already. She motioned for the griffon to get closer.

"The truth is, I'm here on sort of a mission. I don't know everything but apparently it's a pretty big deal." Dash rubbed her hooves together. "Being a Wonderbolt is awesome but they picked me for this over Spitfire and Fleetfoot and everypony else, so that's like the fast path to promotion to team captain right there."

"What kind of mission?" Gilda frowned.

"Not to go after you or Twilight or whatever," Dash waved a hoof. "I can't talk much about it but..." She considered. "I bet if you waited around, I could put in a word with Shining Armor and the others. Maybe we could cut you in. It'd be awesome to have you with us."

"Dash, I'm a wanted criminal."

"Yeah but only like, for little stuff." She sat back in her seat. "I bet you could get a pardon or a plea bargain or something, clear your record, maybe... come with me once it's over?" She looked up at Gilda, hopeful.

Gilda looked tempted for a moment, then shook her head. "I can't. Shining Armor's an okay guy, and you're, well, awesome as always, but I got responsibilities."

"Ugh." Dash groaned. "Gilda, this could totally work."

"Maybe it could. But I'd prolly have to help him catch my friends, and I'd feel like a mule." She shrugged.

"Fine, I guess I understand," Dash said. She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Do me a favor and lie low until this all blows over, alright? Maybe we can meet up after the Summer Sun Celebration."

"Sounds good, Dash." Gilda hesitated, then leaned in to rub her beak against Dash's neck after she made sure nopony was looking. The moment passed, and she slipped away, grabbing Maud and whispering in her ear before leaving.

Dash sighed and raised her glass. "Hey, Ponko Pie! Got anything stronger than chocolate malt?"

"This was expected," Moonsilver said, calmly. He'd paid to rent a house on the edge of town. All of the windows had been boarded up and it was, generously a fixer-upper - the thatched roof had gone without maintenance for so long that a tree was growing from it.

"How was this expected?" Gilda demanded.

"I told you there would be enemy agents," Moonsilver replied, lifting his glass of wine to the light and looking through it. "And Ponyville is a natural staging area for an expedition into the Everfree."

"But Dash? And she said Shining Armor would be here too." Gilda looked at Twilight.

"Our plan was to beat them to the goal anyway, right?" Twilight said, thinking. "We can still do that. Nopony has to get hurt."

"It's far safer than a direct confrontation," Moonsilver agreed. "I didn't get to be my age by picking fights that I could avoid."

"Not going to tell us to mare up and fight ponies we care about?" Twilight asked.

"Why?" Moonsilver tilted his head. "Do you want to?"

"Of course not."

"Well then, there you are," Moonsilver lowered his glass, putting it on the table and standing up. "I'm not a monster."

"Technically-"

"Alright, fine. Technically, I'm a monster. But you know what I meant." Moonsilver shrugged. "When are the others getting back? If our opposition is here, it behooves us to get an early start as soon as the sun sets."

"Rarity is buying a few things in town," Twilight said. "Maud and Pinkie went to scout out our path into the Everfree to make sure we're not going to find a platoon of special forces waiting for us."

"Well, of all things, I didn't expect t' find you here, Rarity," Applejack said. "What're you doing in Ponyville?" Rarity looked up from what she'd been inspecting, passing a few bits to the pony behind the counter and stuffing her purchase into her saddlebags before turning around.

"Applejack!" Rarity said, forcing a smile. "I'd say that I wasn't expecting this, but it is your town." She glanced up at the farmer's hat. A golden circlet had been worked into it. "How is it, being a Duchess?"

"More work than it has any right to be," Applejack said. "Ain't right that clearin' my desk of paperwork should take more time than plowin' fields, but that's the way it is if you wanna actually get it done yourself."

"You could hire a secretary," Rarity suggested. "I know a few ponies that could help. They've always been good at arranging things for my shows."

"No offense, but I gotta get my hooves wet first," Applejack said. "If I start passin' the work to other ponies before I know what really goes into it, well, that just wouldn't be right. Maybe in a few moons after I get settled in."

"Of course, darling. I understand perfectly. You always were very hooves-on." Rarity smiled and led Applejack away from the stand, not wanting to explain why she was buying a number of small throwing knives.

"Yep. But since you are here, I figured I could make you a mite jealous," Applejack nodded to the side and motioned for Rarity to follow her. A small crowd had gathered around something.

"Come on," Applejack said, pushing her way through the crowd. "Y'all keep moving. This ain't some kinda show."

Rarity pushed through the last of the townsfolk, whispering apologies to a pony she vaguely remembered from her fillyhood.

"Rarity, I'd like you to meet-"

"Oh, hi Rarity!" Princess Cadance waved.

"How good to see you again, your highness" Rarity smiled and bowed slightly.

"Or maybe you already know each other," Applejack sighed. "Dangit. So much fer impressin' anypony..."

"I have met quite a few ponies," Rarity admitted. "Princess Cadance, Captain Armor and... I don't believe I've met you."

"Grand Magus Sunset Shimmer," Sunset said. She held out her golden cane of office. "I hope there's no reason we should have met."

"And the, ah, staff?"

"It's traditional to kiss it," Sunset explained.

"Ah." Rarity politely followed tradition. "So what brings such famous ponies here to Ponyville? Unless... you wanted somewhere quiet to ask a certain question?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively. "The kind of question where a stallion gets down on his knees first?"

"It's the Summer Sun Celebration," Cadance explained. "Celestia is letting me get out from under her wing a bit and help with the planning here. Shiny is my loyal guard and Sunset, well..."

"He's the loyal guard, I'm the pony that's here to get things done," Sunset explained. "Who are you?"

"Rarity Belle. Perhaps you've seen my boutique in Canterlot?"

"I don't do much shopping," Sunset replied, flatly.

"Well, you should. You've got such a beautiful mane." Rarity smiled. "If you make an appointment I'd love to design something for you."

"We don't have time for this," Sunset hissed. "Cadance, we're on a schedule here."

"I was thinkin' maybe we should bring Rarity along," Applejack said. "She's actually got a lot of, um, hidden talents-"

"You can flirt with her when we're not busy," Sunset snapped. "We don't need a fashion designer."

"Sunset, Shining Armor, why don't you go ahead of me? I just want to speak to Rarity for a moment. In private." Cadance smiled.

"Don't listen if she gives you any tips," Sunset warned Rarity. "I threw out my back once trying something she said was fun." She grabbed Shining Armor and vanished in a flash of teleportation magic.

"How's Twilight?" Cadance asked, quietly. "Are you two...?"

"Darling, please, I don't kiss and tell," Rarity laughed lightly.

"If things aren't working out, I bet I could get Applejack to ask you out on a date," Cadance whispered. Not quietly enough. Applejack's ears turned red.

"Princess," Applejack coughed. "You do know I'm right here, right?"

"Shhh." Cadance put a hoof to her lips.

"And I'm straight," Applejack continued.

"Princess," Rarity coughed, politely. "Thank you for the offer, but things are fine."

"That's good. You should spend more time with her. Soon. Tonight! Just in case. Not that the world is going to end or anything but, you know!" Cadance laughed nervously.

"What do you-"

"Applejack, we should go catch up!" Cadance said, grabbing her and flying up. Applejack yelled in surprise as she was snatched away.

"Princess Cadance, Sunset Shimmer, Shining Armor, Rainbow Dash, and Duchess Applejack," Moonsilver noted, thinking. "And there will probably be one or two more joining them."

"That's bad news," Gilda said. "The Grand Magus let Twilight go with a pamphlet last time, but if you end up getting in her way she'll go through you instead of around."

"We weren't planning on getting in the way, as you'll recall," Moonsilver said. "We're not spoiled for choice. We have to make an early start of it."

"The sun is still up," Twilight noted. "Are you sure? Can you even go out in the sunlight?"

"No," Moonsilver grimaced. "But you could carry me in your pocket if I'm in bat form. It won't be pleasant, doing that in daylight, but..." he shrugged. "I have lasted centuries doing many stupid things for the crown. I suppose I can push my luck again."

"You won't be much help to us if you're like that and we run into trouble," Twilight said.

"No. It's why I wanted to wait for nightfall." Moonsilver sighed. "Once we're deep enough into the forest I might be able to risk it."

Fluttershy looked at the baby alligator nervously. Talking to mammals was easy. They all had basically similar body language, they got along to the point that it wasn't uncommon for one mammal to raise abandoned young from another species, and they were emotional in ways that she could understand.

Reptiles, though, could be a real challenge.

"He's very..."

Fluttershy hesitated. The alligator stared at her, as empty and unreadable as a book with blank pages.

"He's very scaly," she said, settling for a truth that nopony could argue with. She adjusted her stance to smile at the pink pony in front of her, bags of carefully-packed vials and pouches softly jingling like bells.

"I know, right?" Pinkie Pie gasped. "They always say that things are as smooth as a baby's bottom, but I guess it's not a baby alligator because Gummy's bottom isn't very smooth."

"...Right," Fluttershy agreed. She looked at Maud.

Maud just stared back at her. Fluttershy wilted a little.

"Since you've never been to Ponyville before, we'll have to have a party," Pinkie said, very seriously. "I just wish I'd had more warning."

"So it's like a... reverse surprise party?" Fluttershy offered. "Where the pony throwing the party doesn't know until the last minute?"

Pinkie Pie gasped. "There could be ponies who don't even know they're at a party! A stealth party! It's brilliant!"

Maud slowly turned to look at Pinkie Pie. She blinked once, which was as close as she could come to a facehoof, and decided not to say anything. She loved her sister. She just didn't understand her.

"Are you two really going to go into the woods? It's supposed to be dangerous," Fluttershy looked at the line of brush that marked the borders of the Everfree.

"I'll be okay," Pinkie smiled. "I know what most of the really dangerous stuff looks like. I've lived here for years and they keep telling me, Pinkie, don't go into the forest! It's super dangerous! But then I go in anyway because I want to see why it's dangerous and scary, you know? This one time I found these blue flowers that made everything sour taste sweet and sweet things taste sour. I got really sick eating lemons after that."

"R-right," Fluttershy agreed, not sure what to say.

"Hey, Maud!" A shadow passed over them. Maud looked up as Gilda landed next to her. "Twilight's on the way. We've gotta get an early start."

"Twilight?" Fluttershy asked. She looked around and then spotted her on the path towards them. Fluttershy's eyes went wide and she started fixing her mane. "Do I look okay? I don't have any twigs in my hair, do I? I was talking to a sparrow before and I think it was trying to build a nest behind my ears."

"Oh wow, it's uh, Butterfree? Right?" Gilda wasn't very good with names.

"Fluttershy," the pegasus corrected.

"That's the one. Why are you here?"

"I'm, um..." Fluttershy looked down at her hooves. "It's a secret."

Twilight whistled as she approached. "Who's this cutie that I haven't seen in a while." She winked at Fluttershy. "You guys should have warned me. I would have worn my good coat."

"Darling, none of your coats are good," Rarity noted, following her. "You don't take care of them. They're always ruffled."

"A perfectly pressed coat means you aren't planning on doing real work," Twilight said.

"It's really nice to see you," Fluttershy said. "You don't have to wear a different coat. Or wear anything." She blushed. "I mean, um- You don't have to wear anything special!"

Rarity frowned slightly but said nothing.

"I'm glad to see you haven't raised any animals that've tried to kill you," Twilight joked.

"R-right," Fluttershy nodded. "Nothing dangerous going on at all."

"And you're in front of the Everfree!" Twilight noted, happily.

"It's a very unique forest."

"With a lot of alchemy stuff in your bags." Twilight held up a vial. Fluttershy wasn't sure how she'd gotten it.

"I don't leave home without them." Fluttershy held out a hoof. Twilight gave it back, and Fluttershy carefully put it away again.

"You're not involved in anything dangerous, are you?"

"I can't talk about it," Fluttershy whispered.

Twilight sighed. "Just be careful, okay?" She patted Fluttershy on the shoulder. "Don't want a cute mare like you getting into trouble."

Fluttershy nodded, cheeks bright red. She watched as Twilight started walking into the forest until she realized what was going on.

"Wait!" Fluttershy gasped. "You can't, um, it's dangerous. There's things and-" She took a deep breath. "A-and other ponies-"

"Other ponies are going in there too," Twilight guessed. "And you're going with them."

Fluttershy nodded.

"Could you do me a favor and not tell them you saw us?" Twilight smiled nervously. "It's, um. They don't need to know, and I'd owe you one."

"You'd owe me one?"

"Sure!" Twilight nodded. "Just keep this one little secret and I'll do anything." She paused. "Well, practically anything."

Fluttershy's tail twitched as she considered possibilities. She nodded.

"Thanks, cutie. I'll find you later." Twilight winked.

Fluttershy stood at the edge of the forest for a while, trying to decide what to say. Eventually, she worked up the courage to say it, her eyes squeezed shut.

"M-maybe we could go on a-" she opened her eyes. She was alone. "...Date." She finished, lamely. Fluttershy kicked at the dirt. "Darnit."

"Cute," Rarity said, flatly, as foliage quickly cut them off from the world. As soon as they'd gotten more than a stone's throw from the path, it became impossible to find the way back to it.

"Hm?" Twilight glanced towards her as they walked, following Maud and Pinkie Pie.

"You called her cute," Rarity noted. "More than once."

"I do that to every mare," Twilight sighed.

"You don't call me cute."

"You hate it when I call you cute."

"That doesn't mean you're allowed to call other mares cute!" Rarity snapped, huffing and stomping past Twilight to walk with Maud and Pinkie.

Twilight looked back at Gilda. The griffon shrugged.

"Mares, right?" Twilight offered.

"You're a mare," Gilda pointed out.

"Yeah, but that means I'm qualified to say something about it," Twilight said. "I mean why is she acting so weird? She never acts like this."

"Tartarus, Twilight, I don't know. Maybe it's because you should never compliment a mare in front of a mare that you're..." Gilda hesitated. "Dating? Sort of? I honestly have no idea what you two are doing at this point."

"She doesn't want to do anything serious because she can't be seen with me in public," Twilight said. "Last week she went on a date with some famous actor. The pictures were all over the tabloids. And then she busts me because I called Fluttershy cute? The mare saved my life!"

Gilda hesitated. Things were never this complicated with Rainbow Dash. When they had a disagreement it usually ended with fighting, then they'd retreat to the bedroom, then they'd talk it out once they were too tired for anything else.

"Mares." Gilda shrugged.

Sunset Shimmer paced around town hall, Star Swirl's portfolio held in front of her. Cadance watched her, the two left alone while the others prepared themselves.

"Do you know what the most amazing part of all this is?" Sunset asked. "Aside from the fact that I'm very quickly learning to read backwards Horse Latin and translate it, part of this portfolio is almost a diary."

She coughed and started reading.

"Let's see... tutume ex equuis caesaria... ah, here we go. This is sort of a loose translation. 'Asked Tia again about the source of the Elements. No manufacturing marks, but clearly not natural. The fat swan' - that's what he calls her when he's annoyed, apparently - 'keeps deflecting questions. Have to assume the Elements are made out of impossibly stable crystalline mana. Research into crystal growth suggests this is possible, but all fast-growing crystals are too fragile for suitability. Will research further when the fat swan stops being so emotional about her sister.'"

"Sister?" Cadance asked, standing up and reading over Sunset's shoulder. Sunset passed her the book, not that she could make heads or tails of it.

"Right here." Sunset created an illusory pointer and noted the line.

"Mutororos?" Cadance read.

"Sororotum," Sunset corrected. "Remember, he wrote backwards. I'm not sure why. Celestia thinks it's because he was trying to hide knowledge from the ignorant. I think it's because he was a difficult old codger who liked making life difficult for ponies."

"But Princess Celestia doesn't have a sister," Cadance said.

"How would we know?" Sunset asked, shrugging. "She's the only pony I know who can talk and talk and talk and say absolutely nothing useful. She's had centuries to work on patter and small talk. Besides, maybe she's dead. This was written almost a thousand years ago."

"You think it's related to the Elements?"

"Star Swirl thought so," Sunset noted. "But he kept talking around it too. There are other passages that just have these very brief mentions of... something. Some dark force, endless night, end of the world, that kind of thing. It's the junk you'd expect in a foal's tale, but if Star Swirl was talking about it, well, that makes me worried, you know?"

Cadance nodded.

"Anyway, we'll all be fine as long as I'm in charge," Sunset sighed. "I guess I can babysit you and get the job done at the same time."

"Actually, um," Cadance said, looking nervous. "I'm in charge, technically. I mean, I'm a Princess. I outrank you."

Sunset rolled her eyes. "This is literally my job. I'm in command."

"Is this really the time to fight about this?" Cadance asked.

"There's no fight," Sunset said. "If you want to be in charge, you can be in charge. I'll just go on my own."

"But we need-"

"Yeah, that's the thing," Sunset frowned. "You need me. I know more about magic than any of you. I read Star Swirl's portfolio. I know what we're after and how to get it. I don't need you."

"How do you know where we're going?" Gilda asked, as they pushed through another line of bushes.

"Pinkie Sense," Pinkie Pie said.

"What does that mean?" Gilda tilted her head. A branch slapped into her beak as it sprung back. She sputtered and flailed at it, annoyed.

"It's bad luck to ask," Pinkie said.

"Gotcha," Gilda muttered. "Hey, Twilight! How's Batsy doing?"

Twilight stopped and reached into her jacket and winced, pulling her hoof back.

"Grumpy," Twilight reported. "He bit me!"

"She got bitten?" Pinkie gasped. "She's gonna turn into one of them and eat all our brains!"

"That's zombies, not vamponies," Twilight said.

"Oh. Then you'll turn into a wolf!"

"And that's marewolves."

"Destroy Tokirin with atomic breath?"

"That's Fillyzilla," Twilight said. "And I'm pretty sure that even in the movies you don't turn into Fillyzilla if she bites you."

"How would we know? She never bites anypony."

"That's a good point, Pinkie," Twilight agreed. "If you see me growing to be half a mile tall and breathing fireballs, make sure to warn me."

Pinkie nodded seriously. "I will."

From the shadows, glowing yellow eyes followed their movements, silently tracking them through the woods.

Author's Notes:

This is, of course, a small job that has no wider implications and will cause no problems down the line and nothing will go wrong.

So place your bets now - which team of ponies will get to the Elements first?

Next time - Nothing goes wrong and everyone gets along.

Darkest Hour Part Two! - Because It's Midnite

"I apologized for biting you," Moonsilver sighed. "It's hard to think when you're a bat. Brain the size of a walnut, you know."

"Yeah, but it really stung and I'm still not convinced I won't turn into some kind of evil undead, or at least an alcoholic after how many bottles of wine you downed-" Twilight was cut off when she spotted motion ahead.

A dark figure stepped out of the woods ahead of them. It took a lot of work to look quite as intimidating as that pony did, a dark brown cloak billowing around her in a wind that didn't touch anything else. The shadows and tangle of brush made it impossible to actually get a good look at her. "Servants of evil, I command you to turn back - you know not what lies at the end of this track!"

"That's pretty offensive," Twilight said. "I mean we're... well, at least like half of us aren't evil. Maybe two thirds. Gilda, do you count as evil?"

"I have seen the future in my brew, and I have seen what you intend to do," warned the pony. "I will not allow this of you."

Twilight hesitated and looked at Moonsilver. "Would this be one of those enemy agents you mentioned?"

Moonsilver tilted his head, looking at the cloaked figure. "I don't think so. I don't think it's even a pony. She doesn't smell like a pony."

"It's a random encounter!" Pinkie Pie gasped. "And I didn't even bring my random encounter party planning kit! It includes an emergency cake with a variety of flavors to entice and amaze any possible partygoer."

The newcomer pulled back her hood, revealing her stripes.

"Zebra," Moonsilver said. "Told you it wasn't a pony."

"Close enough," Gilda muttered, rolling her eyes.

"You should be the last one to say that," Rarity scoffed. "The Griffon Empire has been at war with Zebrica for decades over the unfortunate events in Aztrotska."

"I'm not really big into politics," Gilda shrugged.

"Zebras aren't even native to this biome," Pinkie muttered, pulling a book out of her mane. "Do you think they rolled on chart IV-C for a desert encounter by mistake? Let's try the universal greeting." She stepped towards the zebra. "Baa weep grah nah weep ninny bong!"

The zebra groaned and rubbed her snout, getting annoyed. "Do you always whine and chatter when someone is trying to tell you things that matter?"

"In my very limited experience, they do," Moonsilver said. "However, the more observant will note that while you were distracted by the talking, my more sensible associate has gotten behind you."

Maud's hooves wrapped around the zebra's neck.

"Now, maybe you'd like to answer a few questions?" Moonsilver asked. The zebra glared up at him.

"I will let her squeeze me blue before I serve an abomination like you," she said, calmly.

"Wow," Moonsilver sighed. "That's really rude. I mean, no one judges you for how you were born. Just because I'm a thestral doesn't mean you can call me an abomination."

"I think she means the vampony thing, darling," Rarity whispered.

"Hm? Oh. Well, that's a private medical condition."

"A medical condition?" Gilda snorted, amused.

"Haemophilia, sensitive skin, and allergy to garlic. Can't even have Neightalian food! That's the real curse of the undead - you've finally got a great diet plan and you still have to watch what you eat."

"Do not be fooled by his clever words!" The zebra struggled, trying to get away from Maud. "His dark mistress will decimate your herds!"

Moonsilver rolled his eyes. "Maud, can you knock her out? I don't think she's going to help us and I'd rather not kill anypony."

"Equestria will be destroyed unless you heed me!" The zebra gasped as Maud started to increase the pressure. "The evil deed, she-" The zebra went limp.

"She'll only be out for a few minutes," Maud said.

"Did she really manage to rhyme while passing out?" Rarity asked. Twilight shared a look with her and shrugged.

"Let's just tie her to a tree and go," Gilda muttered.

"That would leave her as easy prey for the dangers of the forest," Moonsilver said. "Pinkie here has been doing an excellent job giving us a wide berth from the worst of it, but I wouldn't leave a mare out here helpless just because she was misguided."

"What, you want to take her with us?" Twilight asked.

"Not the best option for us, but maybe the best for her," Moonsilver shrugged. "But gag her. I don't want her alerting anything else, and the rhyming was getting on my nerves."

"I've met zebras before, and none of them spoke like that," Rarity put in. "What an odd affectation."

"She's probably a shaman," Twilight said, pointing to the mare's golden jewelry. "They're pretty important in Zebrican culture. I'm not sure what she's doing all the way out here, though."

"Nobility?" Rarity asked.

"More like..." Twilight struggled for the right words, thinking. "Like someone who acts like a bridge."

"She lets ponies walk all over her?" Pinkie asked.

"No, I mean she connects places," Twilight said. "Half mediator between groups in dispute, half medium between this world and others. I've heard that they can see spirits, talk to the dead, glimpse the past and future..."

"That explains the gold, at least," Rarity sighed. "If I could see the future I'd be rich."

"You are rich," Maud said, flatly.

"Yes, but I'm only as rich as a pony who is good with money. Not as rich as a pony who can see the future," Rarity said, rolling her eyes. "Really darling, it's not complicated."

"Really? You went all the way to Baa Ram Ewe?" Rainbow Dash's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Back in flight camp I had you pegged as the type to do something safe and close to home, like, I don't know. Knitting?"

"I do like to knit," Fluttershy said, smiling. "But I really like working with animals. And when you got to graduate early to follow your dream, it motivated me to do the same thing."

"Cool. I knew I was a trendsetter!" Dash said. She nodded to herself, looking ahead at the forest path. "What's all that junk though?" She pointed to Fluttershy's bandoliers of potions.

"She's the royal alchemist now," Sunset Shimmer put in, managing to butt into the conversation from almost ten paces behind them. "It's the best way to keep track of her."

"To keep track of her?" Dash snorted. "It's not like she's a criminal."

"That's a complicated issue," Sunset Shimmer said. "Not really my department. I handle dark magic, and that's usually just a matter of looking for zombies, brainwashed foals, and somepony cackling madly."

Shining Armor gave Cadance a look, then sighed. "Fluttershy isn't a criminal. She was being threatened and coerced by a foreign power to do alchemy for them in a way which was illegal. She's a victim, if anything."

"But Miss Twilight saved me," Fluttershy said. Her wings batted at the air softly. "She was so brave, and clever, and pretty..."

"Oh really?" Cadance asked, starting to smile.

"Wait, Twilight Sparkle?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Purple mare, kind of a skinny flank, always wears a scruffy jacket?"

"You know her?" Fluttershy looked surprised.

"Miss Dash was involved with another incident," Shining Armor said. "There are a lot of them. Mostly because somepony won't approve funding for a task force to go after Twilight and get her behind bars. Again."

"It was awesome," Dash smirked. "Well, I was awesome. Saved the day and everything!"

"It was one of the few times that she wasn't in the process of trying to get a world record in larceny," Shining Armor sighed.

"Or getting mixed up in dark magic," Sunset said, smirking.

"Sounds like trouble," Applejack offered.

"She's trouble for somepony, that's for sure," Cadance teased, swatting Shining Armor's leg lightly with her tail. "A certain stallion I know has been trying to catch her for years."

"She's not a bad pony," Fluttershy muttered.

"She is an idiot, though," Sunset said. "If she was smarter I would have tried to bring her along. Somepony who can escape Canterlot Prison has a lot of useful skills."

"The sun's setting," Moonsilver noted.

"How can you tell?" Twilight looked up. In the tiny slivers of sky she could see between the leaves of the ancient trees, all she could make out was gray.

"I'm a vampony. We can tell."

"Fair enough." Twilight looked back at the zebra. Gilda was leading her with a rope, the shamaness glaring and managing to convey quite a few messages even with the gag in her mouth. Unsurprisingly, they were all rude.

"She'll be fine," Moonsilver assured Twilight.

"I guess. I just never like taking hostages. How long until we're at the castle?"

"We'll be there soon. But we might have a slight delay," Moonsilver said. He looked to the side of the path, holding up a hoof. "Look." He pointed. Twilight could just see a huge creature made of what looked like tree branches and dimly glowing green magic, sniffing at the air and seemingly oblivious to them.

"What is that?" She whispered.

"Timber Wolf!" Pinkie Pie gasped, squeaking with a whispered scream. "They're viscous pony-eating predators!"

"...I think you mean vicious. Viscous means thick, like molasses or syrup."

"They're both. Tree sap, you know. Maple-flavored apex predators!"

Twilight groaned.

"We might be able to get around them," Moonsilver said. "But I have a feeling that there's more to this than meets the eye. A predator would never be out in the open without a reason..." He looked at Twilight and glanced meaningfully towards the left and right of the path. Twilight nodded slowly and passed it along to Gilda.

"On three," Moonsilver hissed, drawing a thin throwing knife shaped like a crescent moon. "One, two-"

"Three!" They turned and attacked the woods half-blindly, trying to flush out ambushing Timber Wolves attempting to be clever and attack while they were watching the one ahead of them.

Unfortunately, the wolves did not cooperate by being there to attack.

There was growling from above them, in the branches.

"Would this be a good time to mention that Timber Wolves like to climb trees?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Hold up," Applejack said, raising a hoof. "This here's some dangerous stuff. Fire thistle." She pointed to the underbrush. The plants there were dark, almost black, with a curiously fuzzy appearance like they had a layer of fur.

"Are we talking literal fire, or...?" Sunset Shimmer asked.

Applejack picked up a fallen branch and prodded the fire thistle. When she pulled it back it was covered in a haze of black, like iron filings stuck to a magnet. After a moment, there was a spark and they went up in quick, fat flames.

"The needles break off an' once there's enough of them, they all go up at once," Applejack said. "The thistle itself don't burn until the fall, and then they catch all at the same time and spray seeds into the air. We had some get onto the farm once. Spreads like, well, wildfire."

"I could freeze them," Sunset said.

"There's a lot around here," Applejack said. "And what about when they unfreeze?"

"Um, excuse me-" Fluttershy offered. Sunset ignored her.

"I can freeze a solid layer of ice over them. Like a bridge." Sunset huffed. "It's not even difficult."

"Celestia said we should avoid big spells," Cadance said.

"Excuse me, but-" Fluttershy coughed.

"How are they going to notice ice? It's subtle." Sunset rolled her eyes.

"We can just fly!" Fluttershy squeaked. Everypony turned to her. She blushed. "There are three of us with wings." She pointed to herself, Dash, and Cadance. "We can just carry ponies to the other side. We won't even have to make two trips."

"I guess that would be easier," Sunset admitted. "I should have seen that option. Good thinking, Miss Fluttershy."

Maud punched the Timber Wolf. Her precise, deadly attack hit one of the branches making up its jaw, cracked it in half almost effortlessly, and ultimately did little but annoy it, the broken branch dropping out of the beast and quickly replaced as bark and wood shuffled themselves around.

"...It's not like punching a rock," Maud noted. "My usual approach isn't working."

"Use your vampony powers!" Twilight yelled, shaking Moonsilver by the shoulders.

"Like what?!" Moonsilver demanded.

"They're the children of the night! What sweet music they make! That sort of thing!" Rarity yelled. She dropped to her knees and a massive paw swept by, right through where her head would have been.

"They are not the children of the night," Moonsilver protested. "Regular wolves are fine. They'd never attack like this."

Gilda flapped up and fired several bolts, which did about as much as one would expect to solid wood.

"Quick, I need a flugelhorn!" Pinkie Pie yelled.

"A what?" Twilight forced a Timberwolf back with a burst of force.

"A flugelhorn! It's like a bass trumpet! Didn't anyone bring an emergency flugelhorn?"

"Stop saying flugelhorn!" Gilda screeched, clawing at one of the wolves and wincing as she broke a nail, pulling the zebra with her as she stumbled out of reach of the monster.

"I guess I'll have to make do with sax," Pinkie Pie said. She reached into her mane and pulled free a saxophone which could not possibly have been there. It certainly could not have fit, even discounting the inflated balloon, party favors, and half-eaten cupcake that fell out (excepting the balloon, which floated out and was quickly lost to the sky) when Pinkie shook it free.

"What's she doing?!" Rarity hissed, staying behind Twilight.

"How should I know?" Twilight bopped another Timber Wolf in the nose, sending it stumbling back.

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath and started playing. Everyone, pony, griffon, and wolf, stopped. The music floated through the air in the way bricks don't, and impacted the ear in the way bricks do. Every note was physically painful, like Pinkie Pie was playing a tortured animal instead of a brass instrument.

The Timber Wolves ran away, howling with displeasure. Pinkie kept playing until Rarity grabbed the sax in her magic and threw it into the brush.

"What in Tartarus was that?!" Rarity demanded, shivering with disgust. "I've never heard such a horrid thing."

"Well, that's why I wanted a flugelhorn, obviously," Pinkie Pie said. "I bought my sax from somepony in Shetland. It was raised by bagpipes and still tries to sing like they do."

"I'll make you a deal," Moonsilver said, his ears still ringing. "If you don't do that again, I'll make sure on top of what you're already promised, I'll personally get you a new saxophone and lessons on how to play it."

"I guess," Pinkie Pie sighed. "I'll probably never see that one again. It's free now, to run through the wilds with the other mid-range brass instruments. Maybe someday it'll settle down with a nice french horn and have hornlets."

"I think it's actually just lying over there." Maud pointed.

"No, Maud, it's part of the wild now!" Pinkie said. "Only a foal would try and bring it back to civilization."

"Okay," Maud said, deciding it was wise not to argue when everypony was more than happy to leave the cursed thing where it had fallen.

Sunset led the way, a ball of fire at the tip of her horn serving as a torch. She could have just used a spell to project a cone of harmless light, but there was a good chance that she'd need to burn anything that tried to jump out at her, so having fire at the ready seemed like a wise decision.

"I can barely see two paces in any direction in this gloom," She said. The fog had come in when the sun set, pouring out of the woods like a rising tide of white mist.

"You're lucky," Rainbow Dash said. "This stuff's like slogging through mud. There are parts of my house that aren't this solid." She kicked at the fog, some of it swirling away from her hoof, but other bits catching on her, clinging to her pegasus magic like she was trying to walk through cobwebs.

"We have to keep pushing through. Any chance you can clear a path?"

"No way," Dash said. "Maybe if we had a team of professionals they could hold a tunnel together through this. But just me? I didn't even take weather magic in school. Went straight from flight camp into Wonderbolts training."

"I think I can help," Fluttershy said.

"Really? You're a cloudbuster?" Sunset raised an eyebrow.

"Not really, but, um... this will only take a minute." She stopped and rummaged around in her pack before pulling out a vial and an orange. Fluttershy peeled the fruit and opened the vial, carefully letting a few drops fall onto the citrus.

"What are you doing?" Applejack asked, curious.

"Just, um, wait a moment please." Fluttershy looked up, and two fluttering shapes swooped through the mist to land on her hoof, sniffing at the orange pieces before starting to nibble on them.

"Bats?" Princess Cadance stepped closer to look.

"We can't see through the fog, but they can use echolocation," Fluttershy explained. "If I ask nicely they might lead us out of it, especially since they won't have to find dinner tonight."

"Can't say I like bats much, but we sure need somethin'," Applejack said. "They ain't, like, secretly vamponies or anything, right?"

"Of course not," Cadance said, giggling. "Vamponies aren't real!"

Moonsilver sneezed.

"They say we should go that way." Fluttershy pointed.

"That's the wrong way," Sunset said. "The castle is less than a mile from here, if I have my bearings straight. We need to go north, not west."

"The castle is to the north," Fluttershy agreed. "Mister Sounders and his girlfriend sometimes nest there during the day."

"So why are we going west?" Sunset asked.

"Um..." Fluttershy tilted her head, listening. "They said that we'll understand when we get closer."

"That's not very helpful."

"They said it sort of in that tone that means it should be really obvious..." Fluttershy said, hesitantly.

"Really obvious?" Sunset scoffed. "Please. We're not going to divert miles off-track just because a bat said so. We need the fastest path." She took a few confident steps forwards and yelped as she stumbled at the edge of a sheer drop.

Rainbow Dash grabbed her, tried to fly up, and got her wings tangled in the web-like mist. Both ponies plunged over the edge.

"Sunset!" Cadance yelled, running for them. She stopped at the edge, wings spread wide, and looked down. The chasm was a yawning, gaping wound in the earth. She could just sense it, even with the wild magic underhoof, with her earth pony magic. It would be certain death to fall.

"Can you give me a hoof?" Dash asked. She and Sunset stood on a plane of pink magic, only a few paces below the edge of the gorge. There was a slight curve to it, like it was a section from the inside of a huge sphere.

"Hurry it up," Shining Armor grunted, his horn glowing. "Sunset's kind of heavy."

Applejack and Cadance helped the two back over the edge.

"So, I heard west looks good," Sunset said, once she was on solid ground again. She started leading them that way, pretending she wasn't shaken up at all by a little near-death experience.

"I guess that thing is prolly real hard to miss when there ain't so much fog," Applejack noted.

"If the bats are laughing, I don't wanna know," Rainbow Dash muttered. "I hate this! Normal fog isn't even this bad." She flapped her wings, hard, and the fog twirled into vortexes of almost solid white lines, like frost hanging in the air, before spreading back out into a dull white mist.

"It's the magic," Cadance said. "It's all twisted up. The fog reacts as strongly to pegasus magic as construction-grade clouds. Some of it is actually repelled by our magic." She waved a hoof through it to demonstrate. "It's not surprising you couldn't fly."

"It's half the reason the local weather teams always had so much trouble," Applejack said. "You get a storm front off the Everfree and there ain't much you can do to get rid of it. They used to build these big cloud walls to kinda direct them away, but that was back in my momma's day. These days they can barely get the rain to fall on time."

"Are we going to have to walk all the way around this thing?" Rainbow Dash asked. "It could go on for miles."

"Mister Sounders says it's only going to be a few minutes. There's a bridge close to here."

"A bridge," Sunset muttered. "If it's part of a real path, it might make up for lost time. It could lead us right to the castle."

There was a crash of thunder.

"Is the weather getting worse?" Sunset asked, looking back at Rainbow Dash.

"I don't think so," Dash said. "Even with this muck I'd still probably be able to feel a storm front forming."

"Let's just keep going," Shining Armor said, keeping an eye to the rear. "The sooner we get to the castle-"

Another crash of thunder.

Cadance looked up. "I don't feel a storm either. Where's that coming from?"

"It's the Everfree," Applejack said. "Celestia knows how all the junk works around here. Runs itself and half th' time it's not even the same season as the rest of Equestria."

"If it does start to rain, we'll want shelter, like the castle," Sunset said, and was immediately cut off by more thunder. She frowned and looked up at the unseen sky. "The castle." More thunder. "Cast-iron. Cassandra. Castling. Castle." Thunder.

"The forest is... providing dramatic sound effects?" Cadance asked, confused.

"I told you, this whole place is basically cursed," Applejack snorted.

"Uh, girls?" Dash said. "I think there's a problem. I found the bridge. Sort of."

"How can you sort of find a bridge?" Sunset asked, stomping towards the pegasus.

"Well, here's where the bridge is supposed to be," Dash said. She was standing between two stout supports. "And that's where it isn't." She motioned over the chasm.

"It's still here," Applejack said, looking over the side. "Looks like the ropes broke."

"It was still standing a few hours ago," Fluttershy said.

"This isn't a coincidence," Sunset said. "This is enemy action."

"That should buy us a little while," Twilight said.

"Yeah, but have you thought about how we're going to get out of here once we're done?" Gilda asked. "If we had a secret passage to get us this far we would have used it to start with."

"Once we're finished, we'll go north and east towards Hollow Shades," Moonsilver said. "It's obvious, I admit, but it's still the best option. If everything goes correctly, things will be over within the next few hours."

"I have to admit, it's rather nice having a proper road," Rarity said. "The cobblestones are a bit rough, but it's in quite nice shape for a ruin." She stepped around where a small tree had taken root and was displacing the cobbles.

"Better than walking through mud," Twilight agreed.

"The ground here is strange," Maud said. She paused. "Stranger than the rest of the Everfree, I mean."

"Of course it is," Moonsilver said. "Behold!" He raised a hoof dramatically. The ponies looked expectantly into the fog. He waited a long few awkward moments. "Well, if the weather had any sense of dramatic timing, the fog would have parted so you could see the Castle of the Twin Sisters. Just imagine that it's there, sort of... looming over us." He waved a hoof.

Rarity rolled her eyes. "If you ever tire of working for the crown I'm sure you'll make an excellent tour guide, darling."

They were barely twenty paces from the castle before it suddenly snapped into focus, a wall of ruined stone rising ominously into the sky, broken towers reaching towards the heavens and gargoyles snarling from the parapets.

The effect of it, the building simply appearing, ghost-like, out of the mist made it seem otherworldly, forgotten, like it was hanging in a blank and unfinished space.

"The Elements should be just inside," Moonsilver said, his voice subdued. "We made excellent time getting here."

"Couldn't have done it without Pinkie Pie," Twilight said.

"We'd have walked right over that cliff without her," Moonsilver agreed. "It wasn't here in my employer's time. The bridge had to be new, too. A rope bridge would never last a thousand years. A century old, at most."

"You think other ponies have been here?" Gilda asked. "What if they already looted the place?"

"There are other treasures that looters would have taken. The Elements aren't easily stolen," Moonsilver reassured her. He and Maud stepped up to the front doors and pushed, the ancient portal creaking open. One of the hinges, seized with rust and age, snapped under the strain, the door lurching in and falling over in a cloud of dust.

"Oh my. It's beautiful!" Rarity gasped. "Or at least it was, but you can see how it must have looked ages ago..." She walked in, looking at the walls. "If the tapestries were restored they'd be gorgeous. And these floors are made of the finest marble I've ever seen!"

"We can come back later," Moonsilver said. "When we're not on a time limit. I'm sure my employer would like some of this restored as well."

He walked to the center of the entrance hall, where a circular pattern was set into the floor in overlapping bands of bronze and steel. The others followed him in, Gilda tying the zebra to a stone banister to keep her out of trouble.

"Is that thunderforged?" Twilight asked, tapping it with a hoof.

"To protect it from outside magic," Moonsilver nodded. "I'm told that when this castle was occupied, this whole pattern gleamed like gold and silver."

Twilight stepped back and tried to take it in. It was ten paces across and the complicated design was hard to parse. But she could just see it. If the dirt and dust were removed, and one looked at it from above, like the balconies lining the walls, it would be an abstract representation of a sun and moon, circling each other.

"It's the vault, isn't it?" She asked.

"Why would it be out in the open?" Rarity asked.

"A bank vault is in the open because the public needs to be able to access it," Moonsilver said. "This vault is here because Princess Celestia wanted to be able to make sure it was never opened in secret."

"So how do we get it open? Magic won't work." Twilight tapped on a band of thunderforged steel for emphasis. "I don't even see how to open it in the first place."

"It's sort of a puzzle lock," Moonsilver noted. "No physical key or handle. It's like an-"

"An orrery," Twilight supplied, slowly smiling. "But laid flat." She moved the sun, just a little, and heard gears moving behind it. "That's clever. More art than a real lock, but things were different back then."

"Can you open it?" Rarity asked.

"There's usually a trick to it." She looked at Moonsilver. "You said your boss had the combination, right?"

"Move the sun to the noon position and the moon to midnight," Moonsilver said, stepping back and letting Twilight take the lead. She did so, and they were diametrically opposed, resting on the same band of steel. "Now push them towards the center of the lock." She tried pushing on the sun, and it didn't budge. "The two have to be moved together," Moonsilver specified. Rarity stepped around to the other side and looked at Twilight. Moving at the same moment, something in the mechanism slid smoothly, the seemingly solid band revealing a hidden seam and sliding along itself, the moon moving into position over the sun.

"An eclipse," Twilight said. "Neat! Celestia only schedules them once ever few years."

"Push them down," Moonsilver said. "Then turn them completely around, counter-clockwise."

When Twilight did so, it was like releasing a spring. Bronze bands moved, sliding back and away. Moonsilver ushered her and Rarity to the side as the vault door seemed to unravel, bands vanishing into what was clearly a very complicated mechanism under the floor. The marble under them rumbled as the final bands moved aside and a huge structure rose from the floor like a stone tree, almost a half-dozen arms supporting stone spheres.

"What now?" Twilight asked.

"That's them," Moonsilver nodded towards the stone spheres. "As you can tell, the architect had something of a thing for orreries. The Elements are those globes."

"There's only five here," Gilda said. "I thought there were six of those things."

"It doesn't matter," Moonsilver replied. "Five is fine. Even one is enough, just as long as our enemies can't use them."

"I have to admit, I was hoping for something more elegant than rocks," Rarity said.

"What's wrong with rocks?" Maud asked.

"You know what I meant," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.

"Crystals would have been an obvious choice," Twilight said. "They hold enchantments really well and last a long time. That almost looks more like granite."

"It's not granite," Maud said. She paused, narrowing her eyes. "I don't know what it is."

"Really?" Twilight raised and eyebrow and walked to the closest of them and tried to move it. The thing wouldn't budge. "It's stuck."

"It can't be stuck," Rarity said. "It's just a rock. Here, I'll help you."

"She didn't mention anything about this," Moonsilver said to himself, flying up with Gilda to make a start at the highest of the stone baubles.

"Maybe it's another puzzle?" Twilight guessed. "Or something could have broken a few centuries ago and now they're stuck!"

"Don't overthink it," Gilda warned. "Sometimes you just need to use more force!" She slammed into one of the Elements and bounced off of it like she'd run into a wall. "Ow! Feathering-"

"It's magic," Twilight said. "Brute force doesn't..." She paused. "Usually doesn't work. It's probably something really simple, like the combination to the lock to open it. If we'd sat there and tried to guess special dates or times we'd never manage it."

"Oh!" Pinkie raised a hoof. "I know!"

"You don't have to raise your hoof to talk, Pinkie."

"No, I have to open my mouth to talk. My hoof doesn't really have anything to do with it. Anyway, what I was thinking was, maybe they just have to be removed in the right order. Like how you have to use the right forks when you're at a formal dinner and if you don't they all look at you funny because you used up your spoons too early and now you're eating soup with a fork and it's really difficult."

"That's not a bad thought-"

"Not as difficult as eating soup with chopsticks, though."

"It's worth a try," Rarity said. "If nothing else it would be wise to try all of them at least once, darling. Even one is enough, yes?" She looked at Moonsilver to confirm. He nodded. "There we are, then. If we can't get any of them free, we can start to panic."

They quickly worked in a circle, none of them having luck until-

"It moved!" Pinkie gasped. She and Maud carefully lifted one of the globes free of its base.

"Let's try to get another," Moonsilver said. "One is enough, but..."

"But more is better, yes," Rarity smiled. "You're talking to thieves, darling. More is always better."

"Assuming Pinkie was right, we'll need to try all of them again," Twilight said. She started prodding the Elements, trying to figure out a pattern, when there was a popping sound from behind them.

"What was that?" Gilda asked, flying up near the roof to look.

"Maud had me set a party favor to welcome anypony coming behind us," Pinkie explained.

"Enemy agents, right?" Twilight looked at Moonsilver.

"Just so. I was hoping we'd have more time, but-"

"I think I've got one!" Rarity said. Twilight looked up at a sphere, shakily rising in Rarity's magical grasp. "Be a dear and help me, darling?" The aura shifted colors as Twilight added her strength to assist, pulling it down to the ground.

"We should go," Maud said.

"What about the zebra?" Gilda asked.

"Leave her," Moonsilver said. "She doesn't know where we're going and they'll find out what we've done soon enough anyway. Far better for her than tying her to a tree."

Sunset sneezed, glitter erupting from her snout in a sparkling cloud.

"When I find out who set up a glitter bomb, I'm going to set them on fire," she said. "You can never get rid of this stuff!"

"At least it wasn't something more dangerous," Cadance said. Sunset glared at her. Somehow, despite the fact that all of them had gotten covered in multicolored glitter, the Princess of Love made it look good. Sexy, even. Sunset blushed and huffed, looking away.

"Hold on," Shining Armor said, as they neared the door. "I'll go first."

"Good idea," Sunset agreed. She didn't want to walk into any more glitter bombs. Or worse - confetti mortars. Maybe even cake trebuchets. The last was unfortunately something she had experience with. By long tradition, any cake which failed to please the Princess was launched via trebuchet into the sun. None had ever quite made it to the sun, and even discounting the frequent malfunctions of the cake trebuchet that caused dessert disasters and frosting friendly fire, the trajectory typically ended up on the side of the mountain rather than in orbit.

Shining Armor walked in and tripped over a thin line of ribbon, which was brightly colored and should have been easy to spot but somehow remained all but invisible until he'd already snapped it.

"Oh no," He whispered, throwing up a shield and bracing himself.

There was a moment of horrible anticipation, and then streamers launched into the air with a soft pop, and a banner unrolled, dropping down in front of them.

Applejack looked around the corner.

"Welcome Enemy Agents," Applejack read. She frowned. "This whole thing's fishy."

"I know," Sunset frowned. "Why would they go to all this trouble? They could have been deadly traps, but instead they're just..." She frowned, trying to find the word.

"Fun?" Fluttershy offered.

"I've seen this here type of thing before," Applejack said. She walked past Shining Armor and touched the banner. "This is Pinkie Pie's hoofwriting. She lives in town with the Cakes. Sort of a party organizer, moved into town a few years back."

"Pinkie Pie..." Rainbow Dash groaned. "Maud's sister. I should have known!"

"Should have known what?" Sunset asked, frowning.

"Maud Pie is one of Twilight Sparkle's known associates," Shining Armor said. "Please don't tell me she's gotten mixed up in all of this..."

"Hey, I found, uh, someone tied up over here," Applejack said. The rest of the group walked in, looking carefully for more party traps, and found a zebra tied to a stone railing. Applejack removed her gag, and the zebra coughed a few times, glaring at the group.

"Your sister is very rude," She said, between coughs. "She and her friends took the Elements, meaning we're-"

"Screwed," Sunset muttered, looking up at the stand the Elements had rested on, and two empty places.

"We did it!" Twilight smiled, as they got free of the fog, at the edge of the woods. The trip out of the forest had been much faster than the trip into it. It was almost like the small eddies and currents in the land that made navigation so difficult were quieted.

"Excellently done," Moonsilver agreed. "And we're just in time. All we have to do now is present the captured Elements to my employer and discuss your rewards. I don't think she'd want another Princess, but I think something like a Duchess or Baroness would be fine. She'll need help ruling Equestria, and ponies she can count on. And griffons." He smiled at Gilda. "You might be the first griffon that gets a noble title in Equestria! One for the history books!"

"I just wanna rub it into my brother's smug face," Twilight said.

"Sibling rivalry," Moonsilver chuckled. "Now that, I think, she'll appreciate."

"Hopefully she shows up soon. I don't relish the thought of waiting in the forest to meet a princess," Rarity said. "Why not wait in Canterlot?"

"She probably doesn't want to risk guards arresting us," Gilda said. "In case you didn't notice, we're sort of Equestria's Most Wanted."

"You are, darling, I'm just a famous and innovative fashion designer," Rarity smiled. "At least as far as the guards are concerned."

"What's that light?" Pinkie Pie asked, looking up.

"It's just the full moon," Twilight said. She had to shade her eyes when she looked at it. It was like the moonlight was shining down in a spotlight around them. And more than that, there was something about it...

"The Mare in the Moon," Rarity said. "It's missing!"

"What?" Twilight squinted through the glare.

"No, my little ponies," said a voice from all around them. "I'm not missing. I'm right here." The moonlight flared, and a dark shape formed above them, hovering in the air with wings outstretched, mane and tail whipping around her, not in a ethereal breeze like Celestia's, but a gale of phantom winds.

"That's not Princess Celestia," Maud noted, unnecessarily.

The dark mare landed lightly on armored hooves, looking out over the small group with draconian eyes.

"You have all done well. Now, with the Elements of Harmony scattered, there is no way for my sister to defeat me." Her voice was refined, noble, and dripped with hidden venom, sliding around like a snake.

"Thank you, Queen Nightmare Moon," Moonsilver said, bowing.

"Twilight," Rarity hissed. "We should have asked for more details about the employer."

"Thank you, Rarity, I'll keep that in mind for next time," Twilight said, from the corner of her mouth.

"And the night will last forever!" Nightmare Moon cackled, lightning flashing around them.

Author's Notes:

In all fairness, there was no way for them to know that this would happen. Sometimes you just have to take a chance on a sketchy job suggested by a monster and hope that things will work out in the end. On the gripping hand, maybe things will be fine - it's not like Nightmare Moon is going to arrest them. Just gotta look on the bright side of the eternal night!

Next Time: Nightmare Moon and Celestia resolve their differences with a frank and honest discussion of relative morals and values. Yeah, right.

Darkest Hour Part Three! - Twilight Crusaders

Celestia looked at the three orbs in front of her. Three blank, stone orbs. She'd had plans. Lots of plans. Most of them had revolved around Sunset Shimmer learning about the magic of friendship, and when that had fallen through she'd settled for giving her enough responsibility and power to halt the downward spiral she'd fallen into.

Celestia had assumed that, with the prophesy unfolding, she just had to put Sunset at the right place at the right time and things would work out. She'd even sent some trustworthy, loyal, kind ponies along with her and made sure that they'd work together. They were supposed to discover the magic of friendship and then Harmony would just sort of make things work out.

Instead, she was sitting in her throne room, looking at three slumbering Elements and she could already sense that her sister was free. She didn't even have to look at the moon to know the shadow across it had vanished.

"Let me get this straight," Celestia said, trying to remain calm. "You're telling me that Twilight Sparkle, master thief, just so happened to steal half of the Elements of Harmony right before you arrived."

Cadance bit her lip and looked at Sunset Shimmer. Sunset returned her look. Shining Armor stood rigidly at attention, sweating and red-faced with what Celestia could only assume was a near-infinite amount of shame. Rainbow Dash stared down at her own hooves, her wings twitching with her desire to be anywhere else. Applejack just looked annoyed and was clearly restraining herself from saying something.

The only sign of Fluttershy was a trail of pink tail that led to where she was hiding behind Rainbow Dash. It was actually surprising how well she was able to hide behind the Wonderbolt, considering Rainbow Dash was somewhat short for a pegasus.

"...More or less?" Cadance offered, looking sheepish.

"On a scale of one to ten, how bad is this?" Dash asked.

"Seventeen," boomed a voice from the other end of the throne room. From a shadowy miasma of dark magic like a tapestry of darkness spreading across a white marble wall with the flow of ink on paper, Nightmare Moon stepped into the room, smiling smugly at Celestia.

"Please leave us," Celestia said, quietly. "My sister and I have much to discuss, apparently."

"Indeed," Nightmare Moon agreed, ignoring the other ponies that fled the room. She waited for all of them to leave, examining the decor. "Hm. An interpretation of old Pegasopilian cloud palace design. The gold is a bit tacky, isn't it?"

"Brass, actually," Celestia commented, watching Nightmare Moon strut around the throne room.

"Ah, but what am I doing? It's been so long, Sister. A thousand years since you banished me to an airless rock." Her eyes flared with light, and the tiles under Nightmare Moon's hooves cracked.

"You were going to destroy Equestria," Celestia said.

Nightmare Moon was abruptly in Celestia's face, inches from her snout, her motion so smooth that it was more like the space between them had vanished than she'd actually stepped closer.

"You know what the truth is, Sister?" Nightmare Moon hissed. "You could have stopped all this."

"You're right," Celestia said. "And I still can."

Nightmare Moon rushed back as Celestia's horn started glowing, ready to weave a defensive spell to deflect whatever she was preparing. Instead, Celestia's tiara rose from her head and she put it down on the floor.

"I'm not going to fight you, Luna." She looked up at her sister, her eyes tired, showing some fraction of her age where her composure had cracked. "I would lose my sister, my life, or my kingdom, and most likely all three at once."

"At least you admit that I am your better," Nightmare Moon snorted.

"It was never worth it, Luna. The choice I had to make, I mean. Between you and Equestria. I thought I couldn't be loyal to both at once. It was a decision between duty and family."

"And you chose duty."

"Worse. I took the coward's path of doing nothing until it was too late." Celestia sat down, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry."

There was a flash of teal-blue light, and Celestia froze in place, as still as a statue. Exactly as still as a statue. Nightmare Moon walked around her, making sure the petrification spell was complete.

"Sorry isn't good enough."

She picked up Celestia's tiara in her magic and tried it on, removing her helmet for a moment. Nightmare Moon summoned a mirror and examined her reflection.

"Hm. Not my color." She tossed it aside and sat on the throne. She could get used to this.

"I doomed Equestria," Twilight mumbled, her face down on the table. "My brother was right about the slippery slope thing. It starts with stealing books, and before you know it, boom, end of the world."

"Anyone want more tequila?" Gilda asked. Twilight pushed her glass forwards for a refill. She wasn't going to ask how Gilda had found a bottle of tequila in Sugarcube Corner. Since Pinkie Pie worked there, she just assumed the Cakes needed some help getting through the day.

"Let's look on the bright side," Rarity started. "In a few days..." she trailed off.

"There aren't going to be any more days," Maud noted.

"Does anyone want a cupcake?" Pinkie offered. "I don't think we're going to sell many today, and they're not as good if they go stale."

"I'll take one," Maud said.

"Where did that handsome batpony get off too?" Rarity asked.

"Moonsilver?" Twilight asked, shrugging. "He's probably out sucking blood. I hear most vampires prefer maidens with ripped bodices and suffering from fainting spells, and we don't have any of those here."

"I have a bodice," Rarity pouted.

"You'd never rip it," Twilight smirked. "And if he did, you'd start yelling at him about how much the materials cost."

"Well I don't wear cheap clothing, Twilight!" Rarity huffed. "I use the best, especially for myself."

"Plus you're not a maiden," Gilda put in.

"You can't prove that! A lady doesn't kiss and tell!" Rarity yelled.

"I donno," Pinkie Pie shrugged. "It seems to me like most ladies don't have much kissing to tell anypony about. It's way more fun to not be a lady! You get to do more than kissing and you can tell your friends!"

"Wisdom," Gilda nodded, raising her glass to Pinkie. The pink pony held up the cupcake she was nibbling, toasting with Gilda and leaving a smudge of frosting on the side of the glass.

"There has to be something we can do," Twilight said. "I don't feel right about accidentally destroying the order of the world."

"Darling, it's simple," Rarity said. "We'll just go to Canterlot and smooth things out. We're owed quite a few favors. I'm sure if we're polite things will be back to normal before you know it. Nightmare Moon seems like a reasonable mare."

"Moonsilver," Nightmare Moon said, from her throne. She held an apple in her mane, slowly peeling the skin with her magic.

"Yes, my Queen?" Moonsilver asked, appearing at her side, already kneeling.

"Would you be a dear and kill Celestia's minions? They're hardly trustworthy ponies and I can't afford to let ponies know about the Elements."

"Of course," Moonsilver said, fading into the shadows.

"Before we do anything, we're going to start with the one thing we should have done," Twilight said. "Gilda, how many jobs have we gone on where we knew absolutely nothing?"

"Too many," Gilda said.

"Exactly," Twilight agreed, nodding. "And every single time, we get in over our heads. Tartarus, remember when we broke into that one stallion's mansion and we didn't even know where the safe was? All we got out of it was an old vase that you thought might be an antique!"

"And it ended up being from Barnyard Bargains, I know," Gilda huffed.

"Right. We wouldn't try to rob a bank without casing the place first, and we walked right into this one like a bunch of blind foals because we were chasing after a big payday."

"So what, we wait in Canterlot and case the joint?" Gilda asked. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"No, we're going to do research. Now that we know we were working for Nightmare Moon, we can look up information on her, these Elements of Harmony, and try to figure out if this is a really bad decision or something we can live with." Twilight smiled.

"There's a library in town," Pinkie Pie added. "It's inside a tree! Which is sort of weird if you think about it."

"Because you're putting books made out of trees inside a tree?" Maud asked.

"No, because none of the other buildings were designed like that," Pinkie said. "If you could make trees as big as houses you'd make more than one, right? Then we could have a bunch of treehouses instead of thatched-roof cottages! The thatch is a big fire hazard when the dragon migration comes through."

"Lead the way," Twilight said. "It's a start, right? I mean a little library probably won't have anything, but I'd feel stupid if we walked away and the book we needed ended up being here."

Pinkie led them out of the bakery and towards the center of town. Not far from town hall, the library was easy to spot, even in the gloom of the endless night. With curtains drawn and ponies staying indoors, the walk was eerie, like it was a ghost town. The clock tower said it was almost noon, though only the moon was overhead.

"At least the librarian is awake," Maud said. There were lights in the windows.

"That's good!" Pinkie smiled. "Also strange! We haven't had a librarian since the incident with the Happy Kelp and Seaweed Burger shop that opened on Dagon Street on the night of the new moon."

"Dare I ask?" Rarity mumbled.

"You're lucky you weren't here when it happened, Rarity. It was a tragedy," Pinkie Pie sighed. "Turns out librarians don't make a lot of money. He quit and became the assistant manager at the burger shop, and Mayor Mare never found anypony else to take his old job."

Twilight knocked on the door. A murmur of ponies talking inside died down to nothing. It had been so hushed and quiet before that she hadn't even really noticed until it was gone.

The door creaked open.

"Hey, we were just hoping we could use the library for a little... while..." Twilight trailed off as she looked into the angry eyes of the mare who had opened the door.

"You." Sunset Shimmer growled.

"Is this a bad time?" Twilight asked, starting to sweat. A teal aura pinched her ear and dragged her inside. She shot a look back at Rarity. "Save yourselves! No, wait, save me first!"

"I wasn't really feeling like reading tonight anyway," Gilda said, backing away. "I'll let you have your fun and-" She bumped into something. She looked back. Rainbow Dash was glaring at her, like she'd been there for a while already.

She looked at Dash and smiled. Dash did not smile back.

"I'll just go inside, then?" Gilda offered. Dash nodded.

"Hi Applejack!" Pinkie Pie said, looking in the door. "Wow! It's like the gang's all here! Have you met my sister, Maud? It turns out Rarity's friends with her! Rarity, you should say hi!"

"It's probably better just to go with it," Maud said, quietly.

With eleven ponies (well, ten ponies and a griffon) inside it, the library was quickly starting to feel full, especially for the five that were being glared at by the rest. Sunset Shimmer had shoved the five rogues into a magic circle to keep them contained, the area just a little too small to be comfortable for then.

"Before you start, I just want to say, all of us thought we were working for Princess Celestia," Twilight said, quickly. "And we made some bad decisions, and we're very..."

"Sorry," Rarity offered.

"Very sorry," Twilight continued. "And also, uh..."

"Stupid," Gilda said.

"Very stupid. Hey!" Twilight frowned.

"What are we going to do with them?" Shining Armor asked, ignoring Twilight.

"That circle will hold them for a few hours, even if they're clever," Sunset Shimmer said. "We can be in Canterlot by then. We just need a plan."

"I've got a plan," Rainbow Dash said. "It's a really good one."

"We are not going to fly in and kick her in the snout," Cadance said, sounding exhausted. It sounded like she'd heard this plan before. Several times. She stumbled in from the balcony and collapsed against Shining Armor, breathing heavily and sweating.

"Any luck raising the sun?" Sunset asked, looking at the princess with a surprising amount of worry. She didn't even sound angry.

"I don't think it's going to work," Cadance said. "I'm sorry, everypony."

"It was worth a try," Shining Armor said. "You did your best."

"I don't wanna be a downer, but we ain't got long to sit and work on this," Applejack said. "You know how long plants last without sunlight? Even if it don't get so cold we all freeze, a week or two with no sun and crops are gonna fail."

"I know. I know!" Sunset muttered, rubbing her eyes. "If we can just figure out the Elements of-" She looked up. "Fluttershy, stop flirting with the dark forces of evil!"

Fluttershy blushed, stepping back from where she'd been getting closer to the magic circle.

"I-I wasn't flirting," Fluttershy said, tugging on her long mane.

"You were making bedroom eyes at Sparkle," Sunset said. "Fluttershy, I know how this goes. She's going to seduce you and use you to escape."

"I don't mind the seduction part," Fluttershy whispered.

Sunset groaned.

"Look, you've really misjudged us," Rarity said. "As Twilight said, she's very sorry and stupid. We took a job to disable what was described as a magical weapon."

"And you didn't ask any questions?" Applejack asked. "You didn't think 'sure is strange how Celestia is gettin' a bunch of crooks to do this when she could pick ponies she could trust.'"

"When one is being paid well enough, they don't ask questions," Rarity huffed.

"Everypony," Princess Cadance said, standing up to her full height, which would have been more impressive if she'd been the tallest pony in the room. "With Celestia... indisposed, I am technically the head of the Equestrian government. That probably scares me even more than it does any of you!" She smiled weakly. "Now, I think there are a few things to take care of. I know your mother raised you better than to end the world, Twilight."

"We were going to fix it!" Twilight protested.

"Or you were coming here to take us out," Sunset muttered.

"I don't know, they seemed awfully surprised to see us," Fluttershy mumbled.

"She's just in a bad mood because she's hungry," Pinkie Pie said. She gave Sunset a cupcake. "This one's made with extra butter drizzled over it and a honey-buttercream icing!" Before Sunset could say anything, Pinkie Pie made her take a bite.

"Oh, that's actually really good," Sunset said, through the crumbs. "Wait, how did you get out of the-"

"How did I what?" Pinkie Pie asked, confused, from within the magic circle.

"How- I don't-" Sunset looked at the others for help.

"Don't ask, sugarcube," Applejack sighed. "Ain't no one ever found an answer."

"Nightmare Moon has the Elements," Princess Cadance said. "We need to get them back if we're going to mount any kind of resistance."

"She'll keep them in the Canterlot underloft. There's a series of vaults, very secure." Shining Armor started pacing. "I don't know how many agents she has. Probably not many, but she'd definitely keep the Elements guarded."

"It's going to be difficult," Cadance sighed. "Maybe if we go quietly, we can sneak in before she knows we're there."

"She'll find out," Sunset said. "The best option is to smash through and go as quickly as possible. Don't give her any time to react."

"Um, excuse me?" Fluttershy timidly looked around the room. "I-it sounds like we're planning on breaking in and stealing things. Maybe we should ask an expert?"

"An expert?" Sunset frowned. "What do you- oh no." She looked at Twilight Sparkle, who was starting to grin. "No. No no no."

"Okay, so," Twilight said, spreading a roll of paper out on the table. "We're going to have to break up into three teams." She sketched a map of Canterlot, a loose image of the castle.

"The undercroft is the lowest layer of the castle," Shining Armor said. "It's the foundations, sunk into the mountain to give the castle support. The whole Canterhorn is full of crystal caves, and the original architects didn't want the capital to fall into a sinkhole, so they built down to make sure it had a secure hoofprint."

"Any chance we can go in through the caves?" Gilda asked.

"They're half natural, half mines that have been worked sporadically over the last few centuries," Shining Armor said. "There are maps, but they're so old that the only place we'd be able to get a copy would be the Canterlot Archives."

"And at that point we're so close to the Canterlot Undercroft that we're running into the same worries and defenses," Cadance sighed.

"Right, and any maps could be centuries out of date. Even if they were accurate when they were made..." Twilight shrugged.

"Cave-ins," Maud said. "Flooding. Changes made after the maps were drawn. Maybe even subterranean creatures. We had Diamond Dogs on the rock farm once. Once." The way she repeated it made it clear that they wouldn't make that mistake again.

"That's why we'll need three teams," Twilight said. "One team is going to distract Nightmare Moon with a frontal attack. The goal won't be to defeat her, just to keep her attention."

"That sounds like a job for me," Sunset smirked.

"You'll want to take Princess Cadance and my brother with you," Twilight said. "Nopony is more tenacious than Shining Armor, and an alicorn will make sure that Nightmare Moon thinks it's the real plan."

"And everypony else?" Applejack asked.

"Team two is going to, for lack of a better term, do exactly what Sunset said and try to smash and grab." Twilight tapped a hoof on the map, thinking. "The real purpose is to set off any traps and alert guards and then run away. If they somehow get through to the vault, great, plan is on fast-forward. If not, any defenses around the vault will be exposed and pointing the wrong way. If Nightmare Moon takes an interest in them, they'll be caught and she'll think she's so clever for stopping us."

"I can see where this is going," Gilda sighed. "Just like Trotonto."

"Team three is going to use the chaos to sneak into the vault. Any alarms will already be tripped, everypony will think they're dealing with the real threat, and they'll slide in and grab the Elements." Twilight smirked. "Normally it takes a lot of ponies to do a job like this. Thankfully, we've got a lot of ponies."

"How are we going to find the Elements?" Gilda asked. "Do we have a layout of the undercroft and the vaults?"

"Shining?" Twilight looked at him. He took the quill and drew a surprisingly precise grid of dots.

Fluttershy's ears twitched and she looked down.

"What's wrong?" Pinkie Pie asked, following her gaze. A mouse darted out of the shadows of the table, scurrying across the floor and under a bookcase.

"Oh, nothing," Fluttershy said. "I just thought I heard something."

"This would be easier with graph paper..." He muttered. "Okay, so the undercroft was originally constructed from regularly spaced columns to provide the foundations of the castle." He indicated the grid. "Over time, walls were built between the columns to divide up the space into rooms." He started drawing lines between the dots.

"Over time, rooms were connected or walled off from each other, and now we have essentially three independent areas. First, there's the wine cellar." He indicated one area, reinforcing the outlines around it. "It's under the kitchen and also serves as a pantry for rare and expensive foods, magically preserved in stasis spells."

"The second area is the dungeon." He noted another area. "It's not a prison, just a jail. Temporary storage for ponies awaiting trial. Despite the name it's clean and well-lit, but almost impossible to escape."

"The last part is the vaults." It was the largest area on the map. "There is a lot of storage down there. Most of it isn't what you think. It's not big rooms full of gold or gems, just... stuff. Dresses, couches. Near the stairs there's some stuff that gets regularly used, like tables and chairs for events at the castle, but even a few rooms back and it's just full of cobwebs and dust. Way in the back are the secure vaults."

Shining Armor indicated the rough locations. "There are a few. From what I've been told, they were built as needed to house dangerous or expensive items. The newest one is here-" he tapped the quill. "So that's the most secure and where the Elements most likely are."

"Why wouldn't she just keep the Elements with her?" Dash asked. "That's what I'd do with something that dangerous."

"Darling, please," Rarity scoffed. "That would be inviting disaster. If there's only one thing that can stop you, you want to keep as far away from it as possible, not sit on it like a dragon with a horde of dynamite."

"If she does have them, then the first team, confronting her directly, will have a chance to grab them," Twilight shrugged. "Honestly, we've got a limited window of opportunity and not a lot of inside information. Sunset Shimmer is absolutely right that we can't give Nightmare Moon time to react. The important thing to remember is that despite everything else, we aren't invading her home turf. She's on yours, and you know it better. She hasn't had time to prepare herself or fortify. That's going to change. Nightmare Moon will get more followers, rewrite or dispel more of the defensive enchantments on Canterlot, and, importantly, she hasn't had time to start planning against us directly."

Moonsilver's hooves landed silently on the paper.

"Oh, I don't know about that," the vampony said, smiling. "She sent me to take care of this little issue. I didn't expect you'd turn against her, Twilight. It's too bad. You'd have made an excellent vampony, but now you'll have to die."

"Are you... threatening us?" Rainbow Dash asked, tilting her head. "I just want to be clear on that."

Moonsilver sighed and flexed his hoof, a blade springing out from along his fetlock from a hidden spring-loaded sheath.

"Moonsilver, let me introduce you around the table," Twilight said. "We've got Sunset Shimmer, who hunts down creatures of darkness for a living. Cadance, immortal alicorn and head of the Equestrian Government-in-Exile. Shining Armor, captain of the Royal Guard. Rainbow Dash, who's good at flying, I guess?"

"Hey!" Dash glared at Twilight. "I'm the best at flying!"

"Okay, she's the best at flying. Fluttershy, who is as cute as a button." Twilight winked. "Um..." She waved a hoof at Applejack.

"Duchess Applejack Apple," the farmer provided.

"She did quite well for herself during a rather troublesome robbery. Low-class thugs, Twilight, you wouldn't have liked them." Rarity smiled.

"And over here, well..." Twilight shrugged. "You know this half of the team already. My question is, do you really want to end the day with all your bones broken, on fire, shot full of holes, and wearing a dress?"

"Wearing a dress?" Moonsilver asked, momentarily confused.

"I'm sure Rarity knows some combat tailoring," Twilight noted.

"That does sound troubling," Moonsilver agreed. "I wouldn't even look good in a dress. Well, perhaps something with a long slit along the flank to show off my legs."

"Sunset, do you want to do the honors?" Twilight asked.

"Don't mind if I do," Sunset said, raising her head and... looking confused.

"You're probably wondering why your magic isn't working," Moonsilver said. "I'd suggest you all look down."

A runic circle crackled with grounded energy under their hooves, the wood floor blackening as the once-invisible circle discolored the wood.

"It's already immobilized you and drained your magical energy," Moonsilver said. "You were doomed the moment your hooves touched the ground."

"When did you even draw it?!" Sunset demanded.

Pinkie pie gasped. "The mouse!"

"Not as agile as a bat, but still a useful form for avoiding attention," Moonsilver said. "I was able to draw the critical runes while you were busy making your little plans. Now, I'll try to make this quick. I'm a monster, after all, but not a monster."

"Hey, uh, smart guy." Rainbow Dash tapped Moonsilver on the shoulder and punched him in the snout when he turned to look. "See, this is why I always fly."

"In case you run into magical traps?" Applejack raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"No, because I'm awesome," Dash said. Moonsilver swiped at her with his blade, the weapon barely missing her neck as she reared back.

"Boast after you're done fighting!" Sunset snapped.

Dash punched him again, Moonsilver ducking down to avoid it. She caught a blow from one of his wings, almost sending her to the floor. Rainbow Dash caught herself on the edge of the table and grabbed the paper map Shining Armor and Twilight had been drawing, pulling on it like it was a tablecloth. Moonsilver was caught off-guard, tripping and landing on his back.

"I need a wooden stake!" Dash yelled.

"T-bone or porterhouse?" Pinkie asked.

"Crossbow bolts under my left wing!" Gilda yelled.

"Got it!" Dash flew over to her and started rummaging around in her feathers. Moonsilver picked himself off of the table and glared at Dash.

"You don't understand what kind of force you're dealing with!" He yelled. "One lucky hit isn't going to save you!"

Dash pulled the bolts out and charged, trying to stab the vampony with a steel-tipped wooden shaft. Moonsilver waited until the last moment, then pivoted and sliced along Dash's fetlock, opening a long, shallow cut. Dash yelped in pain and missed a turn in the tight space of the library, hitting a bookshelf with enough force to rain childrens books down around her head as she hit the floor, just outside of the magic circle.

"You don't have a chance," Moonsilver said, hovering above the ground. He threw a book and the shelf broke, coming down on Dash's rear legs and pinning her to the ground.

"Ow!" Dash yelled. She tried to pull herself free. Moonsilver landed and started walking towards her, and she tugged harder, trying to get to safety. Her hoof touched one of the bolts she'd taken, the other scattered on the ground.

"Stay still and it will be relatively painless," Moonsilver advised.

"I gotta warn you, I'm still armed," Dash said, picking up the bolt. She twisted her body towards Moonsilver.

"With a single bolt, no bow, and no leverage," Moonsilver noted. "What are you planning? Are you going to throw it at me?"

"Something like that." Dash tucked the bolt between two of her primaries and grit her teeth, bracing herself for pain. Electric force crackled along her wing and twisted into a vortex. The steel head on the bolt caught the magnetic field lines and launched, ripping two of her feathers to shreds as it jumped into the air at hypersonic speed.

Moonsilver had no time to react. The bolt hit his chest as a cloud of splinters and flame, the friction from the air enough to make the wood catch fire. A splinter wouldn't normally have the force to penetrate to a pony's heart, but dozens, moving at high speed, were more than enough to do the job.

The blade clattered to the ground along with his clothing, dust raining down where he once stood.

"Oh Celestia, that sucks," Dash hissed. "I'm gonna be lopsided for months!" She managed to flip over and kick herself free of the bookshelf, cracking a few of the boards to free a pinned hoof.

"What was that?" Twilight asked.

"Secret Wonderbolt technique," Dash said. "Generate a huge electrical charge and launch a steel bolt using the magnetic force. The only problem is it completely shreds at least two primaries every time. You have to use them to guide the metal and the current just tears them apart at the root." She held up a wing, showing the blood on her feathers. "It's not the kind of thing you can do as a repeat performance. Until I molt that's gonna cause a lot of turbulence."

"Can you still fly?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, but don't ask me to do a triple inverted split-s until next spring." Dash shrugged. "How do I get you guys out of here?"

"See if there's salt in the kitchen," Sunset said. "The library has accommodations for a caretaker and they might have left some non-perishables."

"On it!" Dash saluted and trotted back, injured wing twitching. By comparison she didn't seem to have even noticed the wound on her leg. She returned back with a squat container.

"Does it matter if it's sea salt or iodized or whatever?" Dash asked.

"No. Just throw a hoof-ful at each of us," Sunset said. She winced and yelled as Dash did it without warning. "Damn it to Tartarus, Dash! You got it in my eyes!" She stumbled free, the salt glowing and crackling as she was freed of the curse.

"Sorry! My bad! Who's next?" Dash grinned.

"I wonder if it's true that you can see and hear, even like this?" Nightmare Moon asked, as she paced around Celestia's statue. She'd left her in the throne room, as a reminder of who really ruled Equestria now to all who came to visit her.

"I know you're not dreaming. I'd have invaded your dreams, otherwise." Nightmare Moon sighed. "I'm almost tempted to release you just so you can do the paperwork for me. I should have known that you'd turn the government into a labyrinth of forms and red tape in my absence. You were hopelessly addicted to process and procedure."

She looked at the statue as if expecting a reply. All she saw was Celestia, still in the same, sorrowful pose, as still as only marble could be.

"How does it feel for your plans to come to nothing?" Nightmare Moon asked, leaning closer. "To have everypony fail you when you need them most? By now even your former student and adopted daughter are dead!"

The doors to the throne room burst open.

"I was going to make some kind of dramatic speech about how we're here to stop you," Sunset Shimmer said, "But if you're busy making out with a statue of Celestia, I can come back later."

"I am not-" Nightmare Moon realized how close her face was to her sister's and pulled back, stepping away to glare at the intruders. "So, I suppose my agent has failed to kill you."

"If you want I can get a dustpan and sweep him up so you can ask the idiot yourself," Sunset said. Her horn blazed with energy and a ball of teal light formed in front of her before collapsing into a pencil-thin line of energy, the air ringing as it sliced across the marble towards Nightmare Moon.

The Dark Queen blinked in surprise, deflecting it with a shimmering hexagonal shield, the beam cutting through the outer wall and into the sky over Canterlot. The moment the assault ended, she launched a blast of force across the room, only for a pink wall of energy to surround Sunset Shimmer.

"We're going to stop you," Shining Armor said. "You can't stand up to-"

"Oh, are you going to tell me about love and harmony and friendship?" She asked, sweetly. "You sound just like my dear sister." Her grin twisted, showing fangs. "I hated when my sister did that!"

"I don't see why I couldn't go fight Nightmare Moon," Dash whispered, as she followed Gilda through the catacombs.

"Taking on her elite guard isn't enough?" Gilda asked. "Assuming she has an elite guard."

"Eh, I'm more of a 'punch the boss in the face' type of hero," Dash shrugged. "If it wasn't for my wing being hurt I could totally take her on. Just bam!" Dash punched the air. "Right in the face! Totally worked on the vampire, remember?"

"I remember," Maud said. "It was less than a day ago."

"Well of course it's less than a day!" Pinkie Pie smiled. "Since the sun hasn't gone anywhere it hasn't been a day at all!"

"Are you sure she'll be okay?" Gilda asked Maud. "She's not really..."

"I know she's not a fighter," Maud said. "But if she's here I can keep her safe. Besides, we're a distraction, and no pony is more distracting than Pinkie Pie."

"Hold up," Dash said, peeking around the corner. "I see somepony."

The others quietly looked down the corridor. Two unicorns in cloaks and armor patrolled the floor, keeping to such a tight path that when they approached each other one had to step aside and wait for the other to pass before stepping back into line and following his hoofsteps.

"The floor must have pressure plates," Gilda muttered.

"Are they guards, or cultists?" Pinkie Pie asked. "The armor says guard, but that cloak screams quasi-religious institution."

"If you're that curious maybe you should ask," Dash muttered sarcastically.

"Good idea!" Pinkie agreed, walking towards them. "Hey, excuse me!" The two turned to look at Pinkie, surprised to see anypony. "Are you guards, or cultists?"

The two looked at each other and drew weapons, curved blades like crescent moons held in their magic.

"I think they're both!" Pinkie Pie reported. Her tail twitched, and she ducked down with a quack of surprise, the blades flying through the air and almost catching her mane. She stood up and jumped to the side when her ears wiggled, the blades hitting the ground where she'd been standing and embedding themselves.

"Okay, I admit, she's good." Dash said. "How'd she even see those things?"

"Pinkie Sense," Maud replied, flatly. She stepped out into the corridor and glanced at the ancient stone wall next to her. Before the guards could draw more weapons, she tapped the stone, took a step to the right, and bucked. A long crack ran up the wall and along the ceiling, a rock as big as a pony's head dislodging and landing next to the cultists.

"You missed?" Gilda asked, surprised.

The rock sank into the ground half an inch as ancient mechanisms clicked into place. The two guards looked at each other in dismay. The floor rumbled, and a wave of water slammed into them like the blast of a high-pressure hose, carrying them away and towards a chute that opened up as they neared the wall.

"I don't miss," Maud said.

"Well that wasn't so bad!" Dash grinned. She flew over to where Maud had hit the wall and tapped it. "I gotta learn that trick. Just hi-ya!"

"Wait!" Maud cautioned, a moment too late.

Dash punched the weakened wall in just the right spot - or the wrong spot, depending on whom you were asking - and it collapsed into the space beyond. Unfortunately, the space beyond was the Royal Guard barracks, currently occupied, as Dash learned with a quick count as she made eye contact with them, several dozen Nightmare Moon cultists in various states of undress.

"Uh," Dash coughed. "Sup?"

"Do y' think it's workin'?" Applejack whispered.

Twilight shushed her, pressing against the wall in the darkness. A sound was getting louder. Shouting and hooves pounding on stone. It was a sound she knew well - an angry mob.

Rainbow Dash shot past the intersection, carrying Maud and flying in a wobbly, unstable path, her ruined primaries and the extra weight of an earth pony forcing her to make constant corrections. Gilda was right on her tail, Pinkie riding on her back and waving to Twilight as they went past.

A few seconds after that, almost two dozen ponies in armor charged past, spells and crossbow bolts flying through the air.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said, walking silently past Twilight to watch. "Are they going to-"

A single trailing guard, tripping over poorly-fastened greaves, looked at her.

"Um..." Fluttershy had to think fast. She pointed. "T-they went that way."

He nodded and started that way, then turned, gears finally starting to turn in his head. A rock, surrounded in a sky-blue aura, hit between his eyes with enough force to knock him out.

"Please be more careful," Rarity sighed. "If he hadn't been an idiot, he would have been yelling for help."

"Gotta admit, that's a pretty darn good distraction, though," Applejack said.

"No kidding," Twilight said. "The way to the vault should be clear." She slipped into the corridor and quietly made her way towards the secure section. "It's just too bad Shiny didn't know much about the actual lock."

"Well, it was installed by Princess Celestia, so no doubt it's something understated and extremely difficult to crack," Rarity said. "She's a mare of taste and class-" she stopped, cheeks turning red.

"What's wrong?" Applejack asked.

"This is extremely embarrassing, especially for a professional," Rarity said, her voice strained. "But... I believe I've stepped on a pressure plate."

"No poison darts yet. It probably won't trigger until you move," Twilight said.

"Can you disarm it?" Rarity asked.

"Of course I can," Twilight said, dismissively. Her horn lit up as she felt around the mechanism. "I can disarm a trap like this in my-" there was a click and Twilight paled. "-sleep."

"What did you do?!" Rarity demanded. Twilight shoved her out of the way, the mechanism surging into action as her weight shifted. Rarity fell to the side and safety, leaving Twilight in the line of fire with no way to escape.

The trap launched its payload, hitting Twilight between the eyes with a dull splat. She fell to the ground, limp, a puddle forming around her.

"Twilight!" Fluttershy gasped. She rolled Twilight over, fearing the worst. A metal disk was flat against her face, adhered with some kind of sticky ooze. Twilight pulled it free, coughing, her face covered in white foam and slime.

"Oh Tartarus, it's banana creme!" Twilight said, sputtering. "I hate banana creme! And I think the cherry on top went up my nose!"

"I admit, you are brave, if stupid," Nightmare Moon said, as she deflected another magical bolt, part of the ceiling subliminating into vapor from Sunset Shimmer's blast.

"All we need is one lucky hit," Sunset said. "And with two of us, we can cast spells twice as fast as you can!"

"My, you're very sure of yourself," Nightmare Moon snorted. "There's a critical flaw in your thinking, though, which is why I maintain that you're stupid."

Nightmare Moon's next attack hit Shining Armor's shield with enough force to fling him back, carrying the barrier with him. Sunset saw it coming and had just enough time to teleport out of the way before the wall of magical force could bowl her over. Unfortunately, out of the way meant out of the shield, and exposed.

"The flaw is that you're trying to use brute force against a goddess, when you are a mere pony," Nightmare Moon sneered. Stars glittered around her horn as her magic surged.

Sunset flinched, trying to put together enough of a barrier to stop the attack.

A ray of sunlight fell into Nightmare Moon's eyes, making her sneeze. The spell dissipated, and her confusion turned to absolute lividity as she realized what the light in her eyes was.

"Who dares?!" She yelled, turning back to the petrified Celestia. She was still there, still locked in stone.

A fireball went off at Nightmare Moon's hooves, throwing her across the room and into the throne, toppling it over as she slammed into it at high speed.

"Looks like a goddess is still easy to distract," Sunset said. "While you're busy getting your flanked kicked by the strongest unicorn that ever lived, Cadance is out there getting rid of your Endless Night." There was a groan behind her. "And I guess Shining Armor is here, too."

The throne exploded, and Nightmare Moon surged to her feet, mane raging around her like she was standing in the center of a hurricane.
"I'm going to DESTROY you!"

The difficulties in flying through tight corridors were many. You would think that indoors, with no weather to worry about, no crosswinds to blow you off track, that it was easy.

The problem was, as Gilda learned, that the tight space meant that backwash and turbulence turned into a thick soup of roiling currents of air and maneuvers required split-second timing.

If she'd kept up with flight practice instead of a life of crime and relative ease, if she wasn't carrying a pony on her back, and if she wasn't having to go flat-out as fast as she could to try and avoid the mob behind her, she might have managed to make the next turn. As it was, she instead slammed into the wall, though she had enough presence of mind to roll to make sure Pinkie Pie hit first.

Pinkie Pie squeaked as she was stuck between a rock and a hardened criminal.

"Get them, for the glory of our Dark Empress, Nightmare Moon!" One of the cultists yelled.

"Wait!" Gilda yelled, holding up her talons. "Uh... I'm a cultist too! Go Nightmare Moon!"

The charging ponies slowed, looking at each other.

"Yeah, she's just... the moonest?" Gilda offered. "And... she's got a really nice butt?"

"She does have a nice butt," whispered one of the cultists. "Her story checks out so far."

"If you're really a member of Her Dark Ministries, then prove it!" One of the cultists, presumably one of the smarter ones, demanded. "Cake or Pie?!"

"What?" Pinkie Pie asked, woozy. "I'm a Pie."

"That was the easy part!" The cultist yelled. "What kind of pie?"

"Moon... pie?" Gilda guessed.

"HERESY!" The cultist screamed. "Moon pies are tiny cakes pretending to be pies!"

"It was worth a try," Gilda hissed, grabbing her crossbow and firing wildly into the crowd, dragging Pinkie with her tail as she ducked into an alcove along the wall, arrows and magical beams clipping against the wall and floor as she dodged.

"There's still some on your muzzle, darling," Rarity said.

Twilight rubbed at her nose. "Did I get it?"

"N-no, it's more-" Fluttershy leaned in and licked the thick creme off of Twilight's cheek, ending in a tiny kiss. The pegasus' cheeks burned red, almost as hot as the poorly-cloaked fury in Rarity's eyes.

"Who would put a pie trap in a dungeon?" Applejack asked. "Aside from Pinkie Pie, I mean."

"It's fresh, too," Twilight said. "And I don't sense magical preservatives. It can't be more than two or three days old."

"Hey, look at this," Applejack said. She'd pried up a stone, finding the hatch used to load and maintain the trap after a few moments of work and feeling out the floor. "Now I ain't gonna say I'm an expert in traps or nothin, but it looks an awful lot like this trap was supposed to be a heck of a lot more dangerous."

She tapped a hoof on the mechanism. The pie had been launched by a spring-loaded arm, and the original payload, glass vials filled with an ominously-green reagent, sat nearby. Fluttershy picked one up and uncorked it, sniffing cautiously.

"It's sovereign glue," Fluttershy said, re-corking it. "It can be very dangerous when used improperly."

"What would happen if we'd gotten this on us?" Twilight asked.

"Well, um..." Fluttershy shivered. "It would make you stick to whatever you touched, permanently. You'd probably end up stuck to the floor or wall. It won't stick skin to skin, so you wouldn't suffocate, but even in the best-case scenario you'd have dust or pebbles or other ponies glued to you."

"Non-lethal, then, but highly effective," Twilight said. "Grab the rest and take it with us in case we need it."

Fluttershy nodded, carefully putting the vials in her padded bags.

"Twilight, this was just changed," Rarity said. "And I doubt Nightmare Moon was the one who decided to add pie."

"Celestia?" Twilight asked.

"Who else?" Rarity sighed. "The question is why. You'd expect her to make the traps more dangerous, not less, if she was expecting trouble."

"Unless she wanted to make it easy," Applejack said. "Y'all are thinking like Celestia wants to keep ponies out. If Nightmare Moon is really using the vault, Celestia would want t' make it easy for ponies to get inside."

"If that was true, she'd have given us the combination to the door," Twilight said. "Not a high-velocity snack."

"Maybe she trusts that y'all can crack open a vault door," Applejack retorted.

"Well of course we can do that. Twilight and myself make the best team in Equestria," Rarity said, pointedly pulling Twilight closer and looking at Fluttershy out of the corner of her eye, smirking a little when the Pegasus looked down.

The east tower of the castle exploded, sending flaming debris raining down over Canterlot. A chunk of stone as big as a house proved how apt that description was by landing on somepony's home and crushing it. Fires broke out across the city, blazing bright in the unsteady light, somewhere between an eclipse and dawn.

"How dare you!" Nightmare Moon screamed, shoving what was left of a wall down onto a ceremonial garden that had been planted two centuries ago, the delicate, foreign flowers (one of which was all but extinct in the wild) pulping under the stone.

Shining Armor shifted the shape of his shield, letting the debris fall to the side. Cadance was behind him, trying to focus on raising the sun.

"And I thought Sunset Shimmer had a bad temper," Shining Armor muttered. Nightmare Moon stomped her hoof, and blue lightning crashed down on his shield, the spell making his shield warp and distort, his mane standing on end.

"Not bad," Sunset said, from behind Nightmare Moon. "Using high-energy mana to get some spell penetration, huh? It's an old trick, but I guess you haven't heard of any new ones."

Nightmare Moon whipped around, intercepting Sunset as the Unicorn slammed into her shield, horn first. Sunset's horn was surrounded by a corona of energy, the color shifting and changing.

"Is your plan to annoy me to death?" Nightmare Moon hissed.

"Right now my plan is to match frequencies with your magical shield," Sunset said. The color around her horn shifted to an indigo glow, and Nightmare Moon's shield tore like it was a web of gossamer, the alicorn blinking in surprise just before Sunset unleashed her spell, a wave of fire and force flinging her back.

Nightmare Moon bounced off of Shining Armor's shield and out into the gardens, smashing through a fountain and rolling to her hooves before she'd even come to a full stop, armored shoes digging divots in the dirt as she skidded to a halt.

"Okay, that didn't work as well as I hoped," Sunset muttered.

Nightmare Moon fired a beam of magical power at her, and she blocked it with her own shield, not nearly as strong as Shining Armor's, but he couldn't afford to let Cadance go unprotected even for a moment.

"I've always been good at learning new techniques," Nightmare Moon said, her eyes narrowed. The beam shifted colors, the aura around it vibrating, and Sunset's ward was torn apart. Sunset had no time to react as the beam crackled across her chest and shoulder, sparks flying.

Sunset collapsed, eyes blurring. She struggled to focus enough through the waves of pain to cast healing spells to mitigate the damage.

"Oh that does work well," Nightmare Moon purred, landing in front of her lightly. She leaned down to give Sunset a fang-filled smile. "Now let me show you the oldest trick in the book. I can only demonstrate this once for you, I'm afraid, so you're going to need to watch the birdie~"

Nightmare Moon's horn started glowing, and Sunset braced herself for pain.

A window shattered below them, and ponies flooded out onto the lawn chasing a blur of rainbow colors, the distraction breaking Nightmare Moon's concentration, the spell failing.

"What in Tartarus is going on?!" Nightmare Moon demanded.

"This was a bad plan." Maud said, from where Dash was holding her. Maud's grip was like an iron band around Dash's chest, not quite tight enough to crush her but completely unyielding.

"If you wanna complain you can get off here!" Dash snapped, trying to focus on avoiding ornamental stonework as she flew through one of the upper corridors of the castle.

Maud looked back at the ponies chasing her and down to the marble floor rushing beneath them. At this speed, neither was going to offer her much mercy if she fell. "Never mind. The plan was better than I thought."

"Can you do anything to slow them down?" Dash asked.

"Can't you outfly them?" Maud retorted.

"Sure!" Dash smirked. "I could outfly them with one wing tied behind my back!" And with some of her primaries busted, it really did feel like she was trying to fly with only one wing. "But the plan is to keep their attention, remember?"

The castle shook around them. A vase, probably expensive and ancient, was barely dodged as it was shaken from its place of honor, a cloud of dust spreading as it shattered.

"Call me crazy, but-" Dash started.

"You're crazy," Maud said, promptly. Dash gave her a look. "Sorry. It's a reflex. Pinkie Pie always laughs when I do that."

"What I'm trying to say is, I don't think I can handle these turns much longer and we lost Gilda and Pinkie a while back and Nightmare Moon is probably tearing the castle apart." Dash paused. "Or maybe Sunset Shimmer is. Kind of a toss-up between those two."

"We lost Pinkie?" Maud tried to twist to look back, throwing Dash off-course.

"Woah, woah!" Dash yelled, as they smashed through an ornate window and into the open air. The thin glass barely slowed her down, and Wonderbolts training kicked in and she protected her face and tucked her wings, avoiding getting more than a few shallow cuts.

When they were out in the open, Dash looked down at Maud. Somehow, the earth pony had avoided getting hurt at all.

Cultists poured out of the broken window behind them, using the new shortcut to give chase across the grass.

"What in Tartarus is going on?!" Boomed a voice from above.

"Oh hey, it's Nightmare Moon," Maud said. Dash flew to the side on instinct, barely dodging a ball of plasma that would have turned her from the fastest flyer in Equestria into a roasted turkey.

"This plan is getting worse all the time," Dash muttered. "I'm gonna strangle Twilight Sparkle next time I see her!"

"Okay. I'm impressed," Twilight said, looking up at the vault. "I mean I should have known the Princess wouldn't go the cheap route, but... wow."

"You wanna explain that awe for those of us who ain't professional thieves?" Applejack asked. She shrugged at the vault. It looked like nothing more than a wall of concrete, inlaid with gold designs, with no obvious handle or mechanism, just a small, deep hole, set head and shoulders above the tallest pony in the room.

"So, the best safe in the world has two flaws, right?" Twilight asked. "First, anypony with the combination or key or whatever, they can open it. Maybe there's some trick to it to make it harder, but with enough time you can figure it out."

"If you couldn't get it open it wouldn't be much use," Applejack said, flatly.

"Sure. And the second flaw is that if you can't crack a safe, you can still break it open. It might take a while, but eventually you can pop it. If the contents aren't fragile, you can just blast it open." Twilight tapped a hoof against the solid concrete.

"It rather lacks elegance if you do," Rarity noted. "And somepony, without naming names, has ruined more than one heist by using too much force and destroying the things they were trying to steal."

"I forgot diamonds could burn!" Twilight groaned. "I thought I could melt the door off, okay?"

"Instead we just got ashes. Really, Twilight, diamonds are just a very fancy type of coal when you get down to it." Rarity sighed.

"So this here vault," Applejack said. "How do we open it?"

"We can't," Twilight said.

"Darling, please, there's no such thing as can't," Rarity said.

"Okay, so those two flaws? This vault doesn't have them. That's the lock." She pointed to the small hole. "It's designed for a very particular type of key. Princess Celestia's horn. It reads the magical signature. Thaumometric locks are almost impossible to pick."

"What about opening it some other way?" Fluttershy asked. "I mean, concrete isn't the easiest thing to break, but..."

"There's no inside to the vault," Twilight sighed.

"What do you mean, no inside?" Applejack asked. Twilight took the earth pony's hoof and pressed it against the concrete firmly. Applejack wasn't sure why. It just felt like solid concrete. Solid all the way through.

"What in tarnation?" Applejack muttered, frowning. She hit it with her other hoof, pressing her head against the side and listening.

"The 'inside' of the vault is in an extradimensional space," Twilight said. "It's literally nowhere in the world. If we break the vault, the contents just go away. Celestia probably has some way to re-establishing the connection, but..." Twilight shrugged.

"So how are we supposed to get the Elements of Harmony, then?" Applejack asked.

"Maybe we could try copying Celestia's magical signature," Rarity offered. "We don't have a sample, but it might be possible."

Twilight shook her head. "The Thaumometrics will check horn length too, and I don't think we measure up."

"Um..." Fluttershy coughed.

"We could just try anyway, darling," Rarity sighed. "There has to be somepony else who can open the vault."

"Argh! You're right!" Twilight groaned. "I bet Princess Cadance is keyed to it, too! But she's distracting Nightmare Moon and there's no way we'll be able to get her down here!"

"We couldn't have expected this," Rarity said, putting a hoof on Twilight's shoulder.

"Excuse me!" Fluttershy said, more loudly. The other three looked at her. "Um, I was just thinking. Nightmare Moon would be the one to hide the Elements, right? So... she couldn't get this open either. What if the Elements are in a different vault?"

Twilight looked at the dozens of small vaults around them.

"Horseapples."

Author's Notes:

Next time: The dramatic conclusion!

Darkest Hour Part Four! - Dawn is Unbreakable

Gilda had been in a lot of tight spots before. Really, as long as one focused on what was going on in the immediate sense, with a few cultists taking shots at her with magical beams while others used the covering fire to close in, it wasn't even in the top ten. She even had Pinkie Pie with her, which meant that she had backup.

Gilda glanced at the pony, thinking. Maybe not really backup. She certainly wasn't like Maud. But maybe with how bright and colorful she was-

"I'd make an awful shield," Pinkie said. "I mean I guess I'm better than nothing but I'm sort of short and griffons are bigger than ponies to begin with."

"I wasn't-" Gilda tried not to look guilty.

"You had that 'I wonder if I can use her as a pony shield' look on your face," Pinkie explained.

"There's a face for that?"

"This isn't my first rodeo," Pinkie said. "My first rodeo was in Dodge Junction! I tried to hogtie a hog but I kind of messed up and long story, short, you can't deep-fry cotton candy. We just don't have the technology for it yet."

"Why would you want to deep-fry cotton candy?" Gilda asked, perplexed.

"Because everything is better when you coat it in batter!" Pinkie sighed. "Except sauerkraut. Trust me. That was a mistake and it took forever to clean out the fryer."

"I'll take your word for-" Gilda flinched as the wall cracked next to her head, a stone splinter hitting her beak with enough force to leave a scratch.

"I guess there's only one thing to do," Pinkie said, reaching into her mane and retrieving two black balls, fuses already lit.

"You have bombs in your mane?!" Gilda tried to press herself deeper into cover, not that a few inches would make much difference at this range, even with primitive explosives like that.

"For party explosion emergencies," Pinkie Pie confirmed, leaning out of the alcove to roll the two bombs down the corridor. Gilda pulled her back when the pony tried to peek out of cover to watch, pushing her down and covering her with her wing.

There were shouts of confusion and, a moment later, two wet-sounding crashes of thunder that shook the floor.

"Oh wow!" Pinkie Pie said, as she got up. "You were gonna use me as a pony shield then you went and protected me with your own body! Does that mean you like me? Because I'm pretty sure Dash actually has a thing for you and I don't really want to be a third wheel because I've got enough of that with the Cakes and they're really nice and cuddly but-"

A talon covered her mouth. "I didn't want to find out the hard way if you were carrying more explosives," Gilda explained. She peeked past the edge of the alcove. Ponies were lying on the ground in various states of unconsciousness. None of them looked like they were ready to put up a fight.

"Okay, I think we're in the clear," Gilda said. She stepped out and walked over to one of the cultists. Instead of the torn flesh and blood she expected, he was splattered with fudge. "...What?"

"Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs," Pinkie said, very serious. "They induce a sugar coma in seconds when properly applied. Very dangerous to bake. I lost three ovens figuring out how to temper chocolate semtex correctly."

"Remind me to stop asking questions when I don't want to know the answer," Gilda sighed. "Let's go find Dash before she does anything stupid." Gilda paused. "Stupider than usual."

Cadance focused, reaching out to the sun. Celestia had made sure she knew how to raise it. At first, Cadance had assumed it was so Celestia could get a break from her eternal duty, but it was starting to seem more like the ancient alicorn had ensured that there was a backup plan just in case something happened to her.

Something like her insane, genocidal sister.

The main problem was that the sun was stubborn. Heavy wasn't quite the right word - it wasn't something that Cadance was actually trying to lift the way she would with telekinesis. It wasn't something to be shoved around, but had to be goaded and herded like a big, stubborn... burning ball of gas. Cadance was too tired and busy to think of a better way to describe it.

The sun started to peek over the horizon, and light shot across the land again before she felt a dark presence try to shove it down again, Nightmare Moon's power totally, and literally, eclipsing hers.

Cadance flinched as she lost her grip, the world plunging into darkness again.

"You know I really love you, right?" Cadance asked.

"This isn't the time, honey," Shining Armor grunted, deflecting a bolt of ice magic. Nightmare Moon wasn't even looking at them, her attention focused on a small army of her cultists below them on the lawn. She was just throwing spells at random to keep the pressure up, and the varied and powerful attacks were more than enough to give Shining Armor a headache.

"I just wanted you to know that I love you. And if we ever have foals, we're going to teach them stealing is very, very wrong!" Cadance shouted, over the sound of stone turning into magma. "Especially when they steal the only defense against evil beings trying to destroy Equestria!"

"That's a very specific thing to teach them," Shining Armor noted, sweating. The floor under them sunk a few inches into the now-molten rock that was outside of his barrier, which quickly froze and cracked with Nightmare Moon's next attack. "Were you thinking about something in particular?"

"You know, it's funny, I was!" Cadance growled, trying to get a better grip on the sun. The assault on Shining Armor's shield let up for a moment as Nightmare Moon had to re-focus on maintaining her Endless Night.

"Okay, let's not panic," Twilight said. "Think about this one step at a time. Celestia knew this might happen, apparently. Otherwise she wouldn't have changed the traps into pranks. Since this vault-" Twilight nodded to the newest, most secure vault. "Is impossible to open, it means that the Elements aren't in there."

"Yes, darling, but that doesn't mean we have time to open every other vault." Rarity looked at the stone walls around them. "There must be hundreds. Some of them are barely big enough for a scroll!" She knelt down to look at one near the floor, a tiny door like a mouse had decided that it needed to store some very secure and confidential cheese.

"Why in the heck would they make such a mess of things?" Applejack asked.

"Security," Twilight shrugged. "Maybe some of the things locked up are too dangerous to be stored together. Or different ponies are allowed access to some items but not others. Or both."

"Um..." Fluttershy looked around. "I don't think we have to open all of them."

"Obviously not," Rarity said, standing up again. "Some are simply too small for the Elements. They were rather bulky stone balls, after all."

"N-no, I mean..." Fluttershy looked down at her hooves. She took a deep breath. "I know how ponies like Nightmare Moon think. She wouldn't use a small vault if there was a bigger one."

"So we should just open the biggest one?" Twilight asked, looking around. One end of the corridor ended in a huge black iron door. The small group trotted over to it.

"That looks like one tough apple to crack," Applejack said.

"...I didn't think apples were particularly tough to crack," Rarity said, confused.

"You ain't never seen an Everfree crab apple," Applejack noted. "You need a hammer t' get at the edible parts and if you don't pin 'em down first they nip you with their claws."

"That sounds fascinating!" Fluttershy gasped. "And a little scary. I hope I get to see one." She tapped her front hooves together, excited. "I think I might have some etching acid that would help. With the door. Um. I wouldn't want to use it on food. Or animals. Or food animals."

"No need." Twilight said, slowly. "Rarity, this is a Flim-Flam Model 1000." She wiped some dirt away from the small plaque on the door.

"You can't be serious," Rarity said. "There are less than a dozen left, and most of those are collectors items!"

"Is that gonna make it tough?" Applejack asked.

Rarity looked at Twilight. Twilight shrugged and gestured to the door. "Would you like to demonstrate, Rarity?"

Rarity nodded and started turning the combination lock.

"The mechanism in the Model 1000 is one of the most complicated and intricate ever made," Rarity said. "When they came out they were advertised as being impossible to pick or crack. And the truth is, no one has ever managed it, as far as I know. Not even me! And if I can't do it, it simply can't be done."

"Seriously?" Applejack sighed. "So we ain't got a chance."

"I wouldn't say that." Rarity smirked. "You see, that very same fact is the reason there are only a dozen of these left. The mechanism was so delicate and complicated that the combination was set by the factory. And it was a rather small factory, so..." Rarity trailed off as she finished spinning the dial.

"Every single Model 1000 has the same combination," Twilight finished, the door swinging open.

"I'm gonna admit, I did not think this all the way through," Rainbow Dash said.

Maud thought that was an understatement. She hadn't touched the ground in several minutes, though she had come distressingly close to doing so at extremely high speed several times. At one point the Wonderbolt had dropped her entirely to avoid a blast of magic, catching her a split second before she would have hit the ground.

"Rainbow Dash," Maud said, calmly, looking back past the pegasus' prismatic contrail. "I think there's a problem."

"Huh?" Dash asked, glancing back. Several of the remaining cultist unicorns stood in a circle, a glowing ring forming between them as magical bolts bent and twisted in a tight spiral, not hitting anything and just building up to a crescendo.

"Buck! That's an anti-air spell! Hang on!" Dash pulled to the left just as the circle launched itself into the sky like a buzzsaw, curving to follow her flightpath.

"It's still coming," Maud reported.

"We got a rundown on these from the EUP combined tactics division," Dash said. "They lock onto pegasus magic and follow it to the source!"

Dash ducked under a bridge in the castle gardens, Maud's hooves touching the water of the stream, fish bolting at the sudden intrusion. The ring followed, humming and passing just over the water, the surface flashing to steam in its wake.

"Some of these guys must be actual EUP troops," Dash continued. "This isn't something they teach outside the military!"

"How do we stop it?" Maud asked.

"You know, it's funny, the unicorns were real happy to show us how it worked, but not so excited to teach us how to beat it," Dash muttered. "They tossed a few weak ones at us that just knocked us out of the sky, but that thing-" She paused as she swooped around a tower, the spell not bothering and just going through the roof and setting it on fire, still going strong and even closer than before since it had cut the corner more sharply.

"Dash!" yelled a voice from close by. Gilda angled up from the castle, matching her erratic flightpath. "Drop Maud, then go through that thing!"

Dash glanced where Gilda was pointing. The flying buttress was great for holding up walls but less great for, despite the name, actually flying into or through.

Aside from that little problem, though, it seemed that Gilda had the one thing Dash didn't, at the moment. A plan. She looked down at Maud and let go. Maud fell for a few moments before Gilda caught her, veering sharply away from Dash's course.

As Dash neared the stone arch, there was a flash of color on the stone, bright pink against white marble, standing out even in the wavering darkness of the Endless Night clashing against the weak dawn Princess Cadance was fighting to bring.

Pinkie Pie waved to her as she barely passed through the tight space, her missing primaries making it a struggle to keep her course. Dropping Maud had let her go faster, but that was only making the turbulence worse.

Flares sprang to life behind her, confetti and streamers and explosions of alchemical light and sound, shattering the air and her wake. Dash tucked her wings in, letting the magic die off. Her momentum carried her forwards like a shot from a bow. The spell chasing her stalled, the flashes of stored magic in the alchemy of the flares battering the guidance behind it. Not finding her trail of pegasus magic, it wavered from left to right, chasing the sparks gently falling through the air before evaporating.

Dash flared her wings just above the ground, too close to get back into the air but with enough force to turn a fatal crash into a hard landing that slid her across a footpath and into a hedge maze, putting her through three layers of greenery before she stopped, the world spinning around her.

"Well, any landing you can walk away from," she said, standing up and immediately planting her face back in the dirt, mumbling the rest into the earth.

As the vault door opened, enchanted strips of silver started glowing softly, offering a ghostly, flickering illumination. Five stone spheres sat in the center of the vault, on a velvet blanket bunched up around them to keep the Elements from rolling away.

"I half expected them to be broken," Applejack admitted. "If I was an evil overlord type, I'd've taken the hammer to 'em instead of sticking them in a safe place."

"They've survived relatively undamaged for a thousand years," Rarity said. "It's entirely possible they're much more resilient than normal stone."

"There's another possibility, too," Twilight said. "Breaking the Elements might release a lot of energy. Like cracking open the boiler on a train engine when it's fired up."

"I read a news story about that happenin'," Applejack said. "Weren't pretty. They never even found all the bits of the train, or the ponies that were too close to it."

"We'll be sure to handle them with care, then," Rarity assured her. "Twilight, be a dear and help me. Two horns make light work, as they say."

"Rarity, nopony has ever said that," Twilight quipped, still helping her wrap the five Elements in the black velvet they were lying on before pulling them out of the vault.

Fluttershy waited for them to remove the Elements, then hovered into the vault gingerly, looking at the shelves.

"What are you doin'?" Applejack asked.

"Well, I was just thinking... as long as we have it open, we should look to see what else is in here," Fluttershy said.

"We'll make a thief out of you yet," Twilight joked. "But there's a time and place for looting. Never try and rob a burning house."

"Twilight Sparkle you have literally robbed a burning house on more than one occasion," Rarity said. "And as I recall you were typically the one to set the fire, as well."

"It's a metaphor, Rarity!"

"It's not a metaphor when you're trying to clean ashes out of a white coat!" Rarity huffed, turning up her nose.

"I wasn't going to steal things," Fluttershy said. "But if Princess Celestia really set all this up for us to find the Elements, maybe it's not all she did."

"That does make a certain kind of sense," Twilight admitted. "She was able to manipulate Nightmare Moon to use this vault, replaced the traps with harmless pranks..."

"As much as I've always wanted to be alone among the fabled treasure vaults of Canterlot with no worries of a Royal Guard wandering in, might I recommend haste, darlings?" Rarity asked, eyebrow raised.

"I think I found something!" Fluttershy said, excited. She pulled a sheaf of papers from the shelf. The topmost leaf was adorned with a six-pointed star.

Nightmare Moon had spent a thousand years alone, more or less (depending on how one counted voices in one's head and dreamwalking), on the surface of the moon. She was used to relying on herself.

Even so, it was an unwelcome experience to suddenly be forced to rely on herself because everypony else was-

"COMPLETELY USELESS!" She shouted, stomping hard enough that the stone that had the unfortunate fate of being under her right forehoof shattered. The air around her crackled with energy, her anger sending wild surges of magic into the air that ground themselves out as motes of light and sparks.

"Is it so much to ask for competent minions? Or at least less frustrating enemies?" Nightmare Moon seethed, turning to where a pink globe of magic was protecting Princess Cadance. "You can't hold out forever."

"And you're out of ponies insane or stupid enough to help you!" Shining Armor said, wincing as Nightmare Moon wove fire and lightning into a lash and struck his shield with wild abandon.

"Is that what you think?" Nightmare Moon hissed. "That I need ponies to sit and primp and pamper me? That I care about their adoration or their praise or their friendship?"

"I think you just like the sound of your own voice," Shining Armor said, spitting the words through clenched teeth.

"I just like to make sure ponies like you understand how gracious I am to take time out of my night to kill you with my own hooves!" Nightmare Moon shouted, grinning.

"It seems to me like the night is just about over," said a voice that made Nightmare Moon's eye twitch. She turned to look at Twilight Sparkle. The thief adjusted her jacket. "You know. Because we're going to defeat you and then... the night will end. Temporarily."

"Darling, you really flubbed that dramatic speech," Rarity sighed.

"You think a few more ponies will really make a difference?" Nightmare Moon asked.

"No, but I bet these will help," Twilight said, stepping aside to reveal the five stone Elements.

Twilight flipped through the papers Celestia had left them, starting to sweat as she read over them.

"Okay, so, we're in luck, sort of. This is a user manual for the Elements of Harmony." She said, trying to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat.

"Well that sounds as handy as a minotaur playin' card games," Applejack said, trying to read over Twilight's shoulder. "Let me guess, there's some mystical mumbo-jumbo words y'all have to say."

"You know, thankfully, we don't have to do that," Twilight said. "According to this the Elements are sort of locked down by a protective measure. They can only be used by ponies who exhibit certain traits that the creators presumably felt couldn't be used against their designed purpose."

Applejack considered that for a moment. "So what you mean is, they're darn picky about who can make them work."

"Right," Twilight said. "It's like, uh, imagine a sword that could only be used by a pony who was fighting for a good cause, so even if he dropped it, his enemy couldn't pick it up."

"Well we're all fighting for a good cause," Rarity said. "So this should hardly be difficult, darling."

"It's not entirely about a good cause," Twilight said. "In this case, I mean. According to this, the Elements are looking for a type of personality, or a trait, or..." She groaned. "Look, the point is, this is bad."

"How can it possibly be bad?" Rarity frowned.

"Okay, well, let me go down the list," Twilight said, starting to pace. "Laughter. Or more accurately, joy or good cheer. That one's not too bad. Then there's Magic, again, not too awful, we've got a bunch of ponies around who are great at that."

"This doesn't sound like a problem so far," Rarity said.

"Loyalty?" Twilight said.

"...There's honor among thieves," Rarity argued.

"Kindness?"

"Surely that's not a problem. We have many kind ponies around."

"Honesty."

Rarity opened her mouth, considered what she was about to say, then closed it and thought about it for a moment. "That might be an issue."

"And the last one's Generosity."

"You know, Nightmare Moon hasn't actually seen us," Rarity said, changing the topic. "Maybe we can just go to Griffonstone or Prance until this all blows over. Or for the rest of our lives! Either is fine, really. Veneighs is lovely under a full moon anyway."

"You know, some of us do actual honest work," Applejack drawled. "Just cause they won't work for you on account of you being a terrible influence on other ponies don't mean they won't work for somepony else."

"Maybe we can just throw them at Cadance and hope for the best," Twilight groaned.

"There are still only five of them, too," Fluttershy said. "Aren't there supposed to be six?"

Twilight flipped through the pages, then closed them, tossing the manual aside.

"I'm sure it'll be fine."

"They're not doing anything," Rarity hissed through her teeth. Nightmare Moon's expression slowly turned from one of shock to one of amusement. "They are supposed to do something, Twilight!"

Twilight smiled, with the careful, fixed expression that Rarity knew meant she was about to do something incredibly stupid. It was the same face she used when she had to bluff her way out of a situation, which in this case would be difficult as Nightmare Moon seemed to have the whole deck and Twilight only had a Mareopoly card.

"You broke into my house," Nightmare Moon said. "Killed many of my loyal soldiers, brought every part of your scheme into place, and this is your endgame?" She laughed madly, stalking towards Twilight with her head held low, horn parallel to the ground.

"I might have a few more tricks up my sleeve," Twilight said. "For example-"

She pulled something out of her jacket sleeve.

"The three of clubs?" Nightmare Moon chuckled.

"I take it that's not your card?"

"No, but I'll remember it. I'll make sure it's etched onto your tombstone." Her horn started to light up as she stepped past where Sunset Shimmer had fallen.

The Grand Magus smiled from where she was prone on the ground, forgotten after her failed duel against the alicorn.

"Gotcha," she whispered, Sunset's eyes opening. Nightmare Moon turned at the sudden motion, only to shudder and stumble as streams of magic braided together from the stone under her, twisting into bindings and wrapping around her legs and neck.

"What is this?!" She demanded, looking down. Runes shimmered on the partly-broken stone under her.

"I got the idea from the vampony you sent after us. He created a runic circle around us while he was disguised as something harmless." Sunset Shimmer stood up, brushing the ashes from her coat, revealing the wound on her chest and shoulder was mostly cosmetic. "I decided to just play dead and try the same thing. While you've been distracted with these idiots running around and causing problems, I used some enchanted chalk to draw the runes and waited for my chance."

"But that attack! You should have been-"

"Dead? Maybe if you were dealing with the average unicorn mage. I'm not nearly as good at big flashy shields as our Captain of the Guard over there, but I can manage a pretty good Mage Armor spell." She tapped her chest, hoof hitting something invisible just before touching her coat. "Proof against crossbows, blades, and blunts the effect of spells pretty nicely."

"This won't hold me!" Nightmare Moon braced herself as best she could, wings spreading wide. "I'll bring this whole city down around us first!" She beat her wings, the runes straining and sparking against her strength - both physical and magical working to free herself.

"Ain't this just three loads of apples in a one-wheeled cart," Applejack muttered. She ran over to Fluttershy, struck with an idea, and grabbed her bags without permission, rummaging through them.

"W-what are you doing?" Fluttershy asked. "Be careful! Some of those are-"

"Real dangerous, I know," Applejack said. "I'm countin' on it." She pulled out a vial that Fluttershy had only recently added to her collection.

"The sovereign glue?" Fluttershy asked.

"It'll help keep her in place, right?" Applejack asked.

"Oh!" Fluttershy gasped. "Yes! Just don't get any on her face. The effects could be-"

"Right, right, treat the world-ending threat nicely," Applejack snorted. While unicorn magic would have been more precise under normal circumstances, with the storm of energy around Nightmare Moon, none of the ponies could have matched the graceful (and, when used with a lasso instead of glass vials, rodeo championship winning) arc that Applejack managed with a simple toss of her head.

The glass shattered against Nightmare Moon's side, and an instinctive flap of her wings turned into a shuddering, jerking mess as her coat, feather, and skin stuck together firmly and almost instantly. This was poor enough luck for the alicorn, but things quickly became much worse when her free wing caught the air and sent her tumbling to her side, the bindings of the rune circle dragging her down to the stone floor, which also managed to bond with the glue dripping from her wing, leaving her stuck to the ground, legs kicking uselessly to the side.

"I'll kill you all for this indignity!" Nightmare Moon screamed.

"You've already said that a couple of times," Sunset Shimmer noted. "You'd probably have gotten a lot further if you tried bribing them. It wouldn't work on me, of course. Not because of loyalty to the crown or Celestia, mind you." She leaned in a little. "I just like winning too much to concede to somepony spoiled rotten so badly she's a thousand years past her best-by date."

"That was a good line," Twilight noted. "I gotta remember that."

"Darling, I seriously doubt you're going to fight anypony else that's a thousand years old," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.

"You never know." Twilight shrugged.

"Hey!" Sunset snapped. "Everypony over here! We don't have a lot of time!"

Gilda and Rainbow Dash set down near the others, Maud and Pinkie briefly hugging. Gilda pulled out her crossbow and leveled it at the prone alicorn. Sunset pushed it away.

"Don't bother. She's immortal."

"It'd make me feel better," Gilda muttered.

"Here's the plan," Sunset said. "Since the Elements of Harmony don't seem to be doing much work for us, we're going to make them work one way or the other. You know how binding rituals work?"

"Yeah," Twilight said. "Not really my cup of tea, but I know the basics. You have a focus and twist magic around it like, uh..." She considered for a moment.

"Like it's a knot in a balloon!" Pinkie supplied. "But instead of a knot it's more like a dam in a river and instead of a balloon it's an astral body!"

Sunset looked at the pink earth pony for several seconds, blinking.

"What? Did I get it wrong? Maybe it's more like the air inside the balloon is the bad stuff and the focus is the rubber and the knot is the magic, but instead of floating you keep it somewhere safe and you make it out of something stronger than rubber because you don't want someone to stick a pin in the wrong place and let demons out of Tartarus-"

"Never mind! Close enough!" Sunset yelled. "We've got five elements, so we'll use five focuses to share the load. Put them in a circle around her."

"This will never work," Nightmare Moon hissed. "I'll kill you. I'll kill all of you!"

"Not giving us a lot of incentive to stop," Dash said.

"Cadance, lift the sun up!" Sunset ordered. "Anything that'll help suppress her power until we're done!"

Cadance nodded from the other end of the ruined wing of the castle, the sun wobbling as it crested the horizon, sharing the sky with the moon. This time, though, it stayed in place, Nightmare Moon unable to force it away.

"Damn you!" Nightmare Moon hissed, struggling, tearing out her own feathers as she tried to free herself.

"Here goes nothing," Sunset muttered. She started casting, light building up as streams of dark magic tore free of Nightmare Moon. For a moment, things looked like they were going to work. The Elements stood fast against the strain. Then the first crack appeared.

"Uh-oh," Pinkie Pie said, her tail twitching. "I think-"

Whatever she was thinking (it involved chocolate moose pies, and how to convince a moose to stand still long enough to be part of a pie) she didn't get to tell anypony. The light flared in a multicolored crescendo as the Elements shattered into glittering dust of rainbow light, the haze of prismatic magic hovering in the air over the shrieking form of Nightmare Moon.

Celestia exhaled, as if she'd been holding her breath. She opened her eyes, blinking a few times to clear them, the last few flecks of stone falling away from her body and dissolving in midair before hitting the floor.

She looked at the broken walls, the shattered floor, and part of her was distantly aware of several fires.

"This all seems to have gone smoothly," she said, quietly, to herself, with only the barest hint of sarcasm. "The entire world hasn't ended, just this small part of it."

She stepped outside to where rainbow glitter was falling in a rain of light. Celestia squinted through it. It wasn't that the glitter was bright - she could stare at the sun all day - but that the haze of magic was affecting her senses. The sheer pressure of it was akin to walking against the current of a river. Her ethereal mane whipped back on its own, trailing like the tail of a comet as she stepped forward.

It was difficult to tell exactly what was going on, random swirls of spellcraft forming and breaking apart seemingly on their own. It was a type of magic Celestia had only seen twice before, a living magic that brought itself to order and could only be directed and never demanded of.

The light collapsed like the birth of a solar system, spinning into six twinkling shapes, and the rainbow faded into the orange light of dusk, leaving a miasma of flickering shadows over where Nightmare Moon had stood.

"Did it work?" Twilight asked.

"I think so," Celestia said, stepping past her. Twilight jumped in surprise, tripping over an unexpected weight on her fetlock.

"What the heck?" She held up her hoof, revealing an oval gem of swirling purples with a shape in the center like a black star amethyst, set in a bracer of silver and steel.

"You all managed to reinvigorate the Elements," Celestia said, pleased. "It was a near thing."

"Princess!" Sunset Shimmer ran up to her. "You're okay?"

"I was perfectly safe," Celestia assured her. "I knew I could count on you and my other subjects to learn the true power of friendship and..." she trailed off as she looked around. "...cause the minimal amount of necessary collateral damage in the process."

"What the buck are these things?" Gilda demanded, looking at the slim anklet around one of her back paws, just a twist of silver wire like a torc with a gem the size of a hen's egg in cloudy red.

"Those would be the Elements," Celestia said, looking around. Maud was trying to adjust a necklace of heavy chains hung with an orange stone. Pinkie Pie had a number of jangling ringlets around one hoof joined at a clasp made of blue gemstone. Rarity was admiring her reflection in what was left of a window, and the slim tiara around her head and studded with a central stone of violet. Fluttershy's was the smallest, an earring having appeared painlessly and adding a pink glitter that she didn't notice until it was pointed out to her.

"There were only five," Sunset said. "Where did the sixth one come from?"

"Ah, well," Celestia sighed. "The stone spheres were only the physical forms of the elements. Important but not vital to their working. The true form of the Elements of Harmony is an astral body of solid magic, with no source, growing boundlessly from the positive emotions and good karma of the world. When I fought Nightmare Moon the first time, one of the six Elements had its physical form destroyed, and in wielding all six at once, I strained and broke my own connection to them."

"I... almost understand," Sunset said. "So the sixth element was recreated along with the rest being reformed."

"Exactly. But none of them could regenerate until new bearers were found." Celestia smiled. "An odd series of choices, but I'm not one to... question Harmony..." She frowned as she looked more closely at the magical signatures in front of her. "Sunset, why is there dark magic bound up with the Elements of Harmony?"

"I couldn't get the stupid things working, so I, uh... improvised."

"Oh no," Celestia groaned. Sunset's improvisations were famous, and tended to involve just throwing enough power at a problem that the laws of nature would get out of the way rather than disobey her.

"...I can probably fix this," Sunset offered.

"One disaster at a time," Celestia muttered to herself. She looked at the sun and fixed the orbit, putting it high in the sky like a bright summer day at noon. Raising her wings, not that she needed to command even more attention, Celestia stepped towards the fading shadows, kneeling down to the prone shape lying there.

"Welcome back, Luna," she said, softly. Her sister groaned, eye opening slowly as she looked up. Instead of the tall, dark form of Nightmare Moon, she was barely the size of Cadance, the colors of her coat and mane bleached and washed out from the magical exhaustion she'd experienced.

"Tia?" Luna whispered.

"I'm here, Lulu," Celestia smiled. "I'm happy to see you again."

"I'm so sorry..." Luna said, tears welling up.

"There's nothing to apologize for. Now let's-" she tried to help her sister up. After a few moments struggling, she sighed.

"Can somepony get the universal solvent to free her?" She tried to move her hoof. "...And me."

"So... you had an evil sister," Twilight said, once things had been cleaned up, wounds bandaged, food gathered, and loyal staff returned to the castle.

"It's quite common," Celestia said. "Ask your brother."

"Hey! I'm not evil!" Twilight frowned. Shining Armor snorted with laughter, Cadance joining him.

"Neither is Luna. She was possessed by an evil spirit a thousand years ago. It drove her to do terrible things." Celestia smiled sadly. "I wasn't strong enough to free her, but you were. Both of us owe all of you a debt that can never be repaid."

"What are you gonna do with her?" Gilda asked.

"For now?" Celestia considered. "She's going to rest. Then we're going to talk, something that I should have done long ago. She was driven to this because I neglected her. If I am lucky, she will forgive me and agree to rule at my side again."

"That's sweet," Cadance said, smiling with approval. "She really means a lot to you."

"Yes, we-"

"Are you two...?" Cadance continued, motioning with her hooves.

Celestia almost spat out her tea, managing to retain her dignity enough to merely aspirate it and almost drown, sputtering and coughing. "No! She's my sister!"

"Darnit..." Cadance sighed and passed a small pouch of bits to Rarity.

Celestia closed her eyes and took a moment to recover some measure of royal bearing. "We also need to discuss the Elements. They were Equestria's greatest defense in the past."

"...Does that mean I broke them?" Sunset asked.

"I don't know," Celestia said. "The aura around them is different. And... these aren't the sort of bearers they'd have chosen in the past."

Even as she said it, though, she watched as Pinkie Pie whispered a joke into Maud's ear that made the implacable pony's mouth twitch into a small smile. Gilda and Rainbow Dash were arguing about who'd managed the more incredible feats in the battle, trying to one-up each other with more and more unlikely tales. Rarity was pouring tea for the other ponies around the table with a grace and elegance equal to any nobility. Fluttershy was quietly listening to Applejack's description of a blight that she'd seen on crops with the worry of a doctor hearing about a patient in need.

"...Though perhaps I'm wrong about that," Celestia admitted. "Regardless, Sunset, there's something I learned long ago. Sometimes you don't play to win. You just play to avoid losing."

"Huh?" Sunset tilted her head.

"Consider a game of chess," Celestia said. "Not my favorite game, despite the rumors, but one ponies know well. Perhaps you favor a strategy focused on the Princess, the most powerful piece, able to move almost anywhere on the board at will. Certainly, it's much easier to defeat your opponent while you have such a power on your side. But if you're cornered, if you can see a trap closing in, you might have to sacrifice it."

"Doesn't it make things harder later?" Sunset asked.

"Certainly. But if the game ends right then and there because you wanted to save something for some 'later' that never comes, it was still wasted in the end." Celestia smiled and nuzzled Sunset's neck. "I'm proud of you."

"So, since they're important, we should probably confiscate them," Shining Armor suggested. "Before certain people try to sell them."

"It wouldn't help," Celestia said. "They're bonded on a deep level. If the physical form of the element is distant or destroyed, in times of great need they will return to the bearer. No force I am aware of can prevent it."

"Great," Sunset mumbled. "So if Equestria is really in trouble we'd have to rely on a bunch of low-life thieves to save it."

"Hey, I heard that!" Twilight said, standing up with her front hooves on the table. "I'll have you know only some of us are low-life thieves! Rarity and Fluttershy are much higher class."

"Oh yes, I apologize," Sunset said, rolling her eyes. "A bunch of lowlife thieves, plus Rarity and Fluttershy."

"Thank you," Twilight said, smirking. Celestia stood, and all eyes followed her.

"Twilight, why don't we have a word outside?" Celestia suggested. "I've wanted to chat with you for a long time and this seems like a good time. Soon my time will be occupied with filling out repair bills and reassuring ponies I'm still alive, and you'll find some other way to entertain yourself."

"Uh, sure," Twilight said, backing down a little. Celestia motioned for her to follow her outside to a balcony, closing the doors behind them.

"You know," Celestia said, once she and Twilight were alone. "I'm happy with the way things turned out. Very few ponies ended up dead because of my mistakes."

Twilight shifted uncomfortably where she was sitting, looking out of the huge window. In the distance, just on the edge of visibility, was Ponyville. Celestia waited for a moment before continuing, obviously offering Twilight a chance to respond to that.

"Most ponies would have gone out of their way to try and take the blame," Celestia noted. "If I used that line on your brother he would have thrown himself on his sword about how it was his mistakes, not mine. Sunset Shimmer would have blamed Nightmare Moon. Cadance might declare it wasn't anypony's fault at all."

"Yeah, but... it was your game," Twilight said. "You knew Nightmare Moon was coming. You set things in motion. Even up to the last minute." She looked at the bracer around her fetlock. "Kind of hard to say it isn't your fault when you're the only pony whose plans seem to have gone as, um, planned."

Celestia smiled at that. "And you're willing to say that to my face."

"Why not? You already decided how this conversation is going to go," Twilight said, raising an eyebrow. "I get the feeling I could leave now and have the script sent along to my room."

"It's not always like that," Celestia said. "I just... well, I've had a thousand years to plan things with my sister. Once she rests I think she'd love to get to know you. Before either of us ruled Equestria she was a bit of a troublemaker."

"I think I'd be a bad influence on her, then."

"Or she on you," Celestia smirked, looking down at Twilight. "You and your friends will be duly rewarded. I believe you were promised a little something by Princess Luna, even if she wasn't quite in her right mind at the time."

"And let me guess, it'd be contingent on my good behavior."

"Twilight Sparkle, I would never presume that you could maintain good behavior long enough to avoid picking my pocket when I'm trying to put money in your hooves." Celestia smiled brightly. "But I know you can be polite, passably charming, and most importantly, you're a good pony deep inside. The ponies you've befriended are all better for having known you."

Twilight blushed at that, looking down. "Don't flatter me too much, Princess."

"I'm sure most of your friends wouldn't mind royal pardons for services rendered. Minor noble titles can be arranged as well. I'm not sure I could manage wealth beyond imagination - the budget is going to be rather strained repairing the damage to the castle."

"Money's just a way to keep score anyway," Twilight said, dismissively.

"It's the experience that matters more," Celestia agreed. "And that's why I have one more reward for you. I'm going to tell you two secrets. As someone who deals in subterfuge and secrecy for a living, I trust you can keep them?"

"Are they worth selling?" Twilight asked.

"Not worth a penny, really," Celestia admitted.

"Then they're perfectly safe."

"The first secret is that I didn't plan nearly as much as you think. Oh, I had some backup plans to thwart my sister's more obvious moves, but mostly I was just trusting in Harmony to take care of itself."

"I like to play it by ear, too," Twilight winked. "I won't let anypony know you have a knack for luck and improvising."

"The second secret is about your grandmother," Celestia said, her grin getting wider and more mischievous.

Twilight closed the door to the balcony behind her, face pale. Sweat dripped down her brow, and one eye was twitching.

"Are you feeling alright, darling?" Rarity asked, stepping closer. "You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"I think I need some fresh air," Twilight said, a little hoarse. Rarity nodded and helped her into the corridor, away from the others.

"What did she say? Don't tell me she's going to throw you in prison after all."

"I don't wanna talk about it. There are things you should never learn about your family, Rarity." She shuddered. "I'm going to need about a gallon of Zebrican rum before I can forget what I heard."

"It can't be all that bad," Rarity said.

"You have no idea. Hold this. I'm gonna go get Gilda and Maud and then we'll find that gallon of rum together."

Rarity had a cloth bag pressed into her hooves. Inside was something rather heavy and metallic. She glanced inside, and her eyes went wide.

"Twilight, this is Celestia's tiara!" She glanced inside, trying to imagine how long it would be before things exploded into chaos. "Why- how?!"

Twilight winked instead of replying, walking down the hallway without a word.

"Get back here and answer me!"

Author's Notes:

Sorry, Rarity. You're gonna carry that weight.

And that brings the story to a conclusion (for now). This was a lot of fun to put together! I think it was also a wise move to get the whole thing finished before releasing it. I'd like to thank my editor, present me, and the author, past me, even if past me made a lot of mistakes that present me had to fix.

Let me know what you thought - I might come back around and write some additional short stories in this setting. Maybe we'll even find out what the Shadow Elements actually do.