A Dream That Wasn't

by Another Army Brony

First published 17th of June, 2012

What happens when a dream come true becomes a Nightmare?

Everybody has wondered what it would be like to go somewhere else, to just leave all of their problems behind and make a new life for themselves somewhere else. Nobody ever stops to think ‘Hey? What if I actually did go somewhere new and I missed this place more?’ No, nobody ever says that, because we are sure that our fantasy worlds are the bees’ knees and we would never want to return. Let me tell you, that is not always the case. Let’s rewind and take it from the top, shall we?

1: The Commencement of Events

Everybody has wondered what it would be like to go somewhere else, to just leave all of their problems behind and make a new life for themselves somewhere else. Back in the day, one could just hop on a ship and strike out for a new land. In today’s era of technology and information interconnectivity, this is impossible. You are tracked from the moment you buy a ticket. Those who seek you will find you; and more often than not they will bring you back. So there goes the dream of leaving it all and starting over, right? That’s what I thought as well… at least until that one fateful night… but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Nobody ever stops to think ‘Hey? What if I actually did go somewhere new and I missed this place more?’ No, nobody ever says that, because we are sure that our fantasy worlds are the bees’ knees and we would never want to return. Let me tell you, that's not always the case. Let’s rewind and take it from the top, shall we?

Imagine, if you will, that you had a nearly ideal life: a beautiful, loving wife; a happy, healthy, and lovely little boy. You had a good job with the Military that even came with a security clearance. You had a brand new motorcycle, and a host of tools and gadgets for recreation. This was my life. Sounds great, right? After all, I had the three things most people want; family, money, and toys. Yet for some reason, this wasn’t enough for me. Inside I felt hollow, like there was something missing from me, missing from my life. I’d tried to fill the void… hence the motorcycle and the gadgets. Despite my plethora of attempts, I found that nothing worked. This was the state in which I lived; the state in which this story begins.

My name is Dave, last name is unimportant. I am twenty one years old, and you already know the basics of my life. There is a whole sob story back there, but I’ll not be boring you with that right now. Suffice it to say that my childhood was not the greatest and move on from there. One thing that sets me aside from most is my unabashed and unashamed love of a certain show that most people would say "is for little girls."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen; I am a Brony.

Now that you know a bit about me, let’s continue on with the story, shall we? Like I said, I was not very happy, though I had every conceivable reason I should be. There’s likely a deeper issue there somewhere, but I don’t care enough to get into it. I suppose that right there is a reason for it as good as any other; apathy. I had quite a bit of apathy on tap, ready to be dispensed at a moment’s notice. So much apathy, in fact, that I’m pretty sure if I bottled and sold it I could end all war, because nobody would care enough about anything to fight over it. Not to say I cared about nothing, but I had and still have the ability to let damn near anything go; to not dwell in the past, even to a fault. This brings us to the start of the narrative.

I’d just gotten home from work, after having my ass chewed at work for things that I had no conceivable control over, and set my bags down in the living room. Even as I was standing up, a voice echoed from the kitchen, “You know your bags don’t go there. Put them up right, love.”

“Yes, dear” I responded, shouldering my bags again. With a sigh, I lumbered down the hall into the bedroom and deposited everything on the floor. No sense unpacking everything I’d be taking with me in the morning anyways, right? I dropped my helmet and stripped out of my riding gear, piling it neatly alongside the bags. The smell of stir-fry wafted in from the kitchen as I removed my boots. I hopped into the shower briefly, trying to rinse the day off of me. The cool water was as refreshing as ever, and by the time I stepped out of the shower I felt like a new man.

Throwing on some shorts, a tee shirt, and my lucky hoodie, I moseyed into the dining room. A sad sight greeted me, though I’d expected it. There was only one plate on the table, piled high with food that had long since gone cold. Of course they’d eaten without me. I’d gotten home a good hour later than usual, courtesy of the ass chewing I’d received. Sighing, I sat down to my meal in silence, barely tasting the food.

I finished up and placed my dishes in the sink before joining my wife on the couch. I could feel the tension in the air as I walked up, the scattered bills on the table a very likely culprit. Sometimes, I hate it when I’m right. As I sat down, she remarked on how we were going to be short again this month. And thus it begins. This fight had happened so often that it’d become a finely choreographed routine. We’d argue about what spending we could cut, what we could put off paying till the next check, and the like. Sooner or later, it always came around to the blame game.

When I asked why she was buying snacks instead of food, she turned it around on me and went in for the kill. “We would be fine, if not for that stupid motorcycle payment.”

And there it was. Without fail, it always ended there, just like that. For what it’s worth, she was right though… the motorcycle payment was crippling us financially. In a fit of self indulgence, I’d bought the motorcycle; I was thinking only of myself when I did it, and that’s what hurt the most. Ordinarily, this point in the argument was where I shouldered the blame for all of humanity's problems and admitted that I was the worst human ever, just to end the fight. Ordinarily, I didn’t just get my ass chewed by my Commander for an hour. I had soaked up enough undeserved blame for the day, and I couldn’t take any more. Where we usually ended the argument was only just the beginning of a new argument; one that would be far worse than usual.

I’ll not repeat what was said, more out of shame than anything else, but by the end of the verbal altercation, I stormed out of the house and into the cool night air. If I hadn’t, who knows how much worse it would have gotten; how much louder I would have yelled. As I left, I witnessed something that would break my heart again and again in times to come; my wife reached into the crib and picked up our crying son. He didn’t know what was going on, he couldn’t understand what was being said, but he knew that mommy and daddy were yelling, and it scared him. The last time I saw my son was with tears in his eyes, and his mother was fighting her own tears as she held him. I was the monster that did this to them both. And, God help me, I was proud of it. I was proud of the suffering I could put others through after suffering so much myself. And then I walked away into the night, slamming the door in my wake.

I was about a block away from the house when a police car came roaring around the corner. I guess someone had heard the yelling and figured that somebody was being murdered. I scoffed and continued walking. The only things I had on my person were a watch, my keys, and my wallet. I was furious, and I was looking for a place to vent the anger I still had pent up inside. I quickened my pace with no destination in mind, and in about half an hour I wound up at my local watering hole.

As soon as I walked in, I made a beeline for the bar and ordered a pint of Guinness. I took this holy beverage and walked over to a booth, deep in the shadows of the building and made myself comfortable. Out of the corner of my eye, I took note of a large, ominous looking figure in a black overcoat as he rapidly approached my table. I could feel my heart speed up as the adrenaline kicked in and time slowed down; I was ready for a fight. Instead of attacking me, the imposing figure held up a brace of Guinness bottles with a smile. If I had any emotion remaining in me, I might have felt bad that I hadn't spotted my best mate Dan when I walked into the bar. I shot him a dirty look as he slid into the booth across from me. Dan was a good friend of mine and had been since we were kids, and he was without a doubt the person I would go to when the world went to hell.

And thus we began our Saturday night ritual on Friday. We drank a beer or two each as I listened to him recounting this grand tale of how he acquired his new black leather duster. I admired it, but I was too internally preoccupied to say much of anything. Seeing that I was in a funk, he declared that we needed to get away. I suppose I agreed… my head did the little nodding thing, anyways. He told me to meet him in the parking lot out back of the bar in thirty minutes with my bike. I nodded, drained my beer, and shuffled into the night. I could feel myself loosening up, as the Guinness took the edge off of the day and allowed me to relax a bit. With the limber gait of a man without a care in the world, I sauntered home to get my gear.

Normally, I would never ride my bike after even a single beer, let alone two. But right now, none of that mattered; nothing mattered. My apathy welled up and swallowed me whole. I got home and pulled out my keys, unlocked my truck and climbed in. Strewn in the backseat of the cab were various articles of clothing. I dug out a pair of jeans, some gloves, and my spare helmet and dressed myself thus. I locked the truck back up and made my way up the lot to my bike, pausing a moment to take it all in.

The harsh light of the street lamp was reflected by the metal flakes in the paint, causing the whole machine to glimmer with an appearance of speed, even while stationary. The bike had always looked like a bird of prey to me, the way all of its sharp lines and jutting angles swooped about, culminating in a very pointed front cowl that I’d always thought was reminiscent of a beak. In the dim light, you couldn’t see the smaller scratches that marred the paint, battle scars of flying gravel being kicked up by cars in front of me.

I slid the key in and watched as the gauges spun and settled. I fired it up, reveling in the deep, throaty roar of the motor. I can’t really explain the feeling that seeing such a finely tuned machine evoked in me, but some of you out there must know what I’m talking about.

I fastened the strap on my helmet and climbed into position. All the inebriating effect of the alcohol seemed to have vanished by the time I kicked up the stand and set out on my way. As I pulled into the bar, I gave a quick rev of the engine, a gesture that was answered from the shadows. Dan kicked on his lights and rolled out to greet me. Where my bike was angular and jagged, his was smooth and fluid; almost like black silk in darkness. With a nod, we took off. We rode the surface streets for a while as we threaded our way to the highway. Once we were on the highway though, all hell broke loose.

It started innocently enough. We began to jockey for position on the ramp, one of us edging forward and then the other passing him; and then we were off, just like that.

We took off like bats out of hell. Well… he sped off, and I soon followed. We were doing about a hundred and thirty kilometers an hour on the on ramp when he split, and I dropped from sixth gear to fourth, my tachometer dancing as I swiftly passed him at no less than two hundred kilometers per hour. And with that, the race was on. It was about twenty-one hundred and the highway was mostly clear. Even so, we rocketed past several cars at a speed so high it was not dangerous but suicidal. Trivial things like mortality meant nothing to us; we were Gods. We were the embodiment of speed.

Even so, we eventually slowed down to a sedate hundred and twenty kilometers per hour and started pulling stunts in feats of one-upmanship. I started it by clipping my front brake and sliding up to sit on the gas tank, followed by a blip of the throttle to get the front wheel in the air. I rode this for a second or two before settling back down. He countered it by kicking his legs out behind him and lying prone on the bike, what we called a ‘superman.’ As he pulled that, I pulled my signature move: the Single Leg Over. I stood up on the bike and swung my right leg over the bike to sit down on my left heel. I was entirely off one side of the bike, save for my right arm crossing the bike to keep a grip on the throttle.

We rocketed past a black and while blur on our left side, causing Dan and I to share a look. The flashing blue lights that winked into life behind us erased any suspicion, and we settled back onto our bikes before we exploded into the night, "going dark". Fun fact: did you know that nearly all modern motorcycles have the lights hard wired to the motor, so that if the motor is running the lights are on? This is for increased visibility, and so you can’t forget to turn them on. Dan and I had wired up a switch between the motor and the lights, allowing us to turn the lights off entirely, thereby “Going Dark.”

We began to weave our way through traffic methodically, cutting a good deal closer to other vehicles than we ordinarily would, and at a much higher speed to boot. At one point, I looked at the speedometer; it read two hundred and fifty-four kilometers per hour. We entered into a long, sweeping counterclockwise turn at a high rate of speed, leaning the bikes over so far that our knees brushed the asphalt. I reached out my left hand and dragged it along the tarmac briefly, before grabbing the handlebars again to avoid another car on the road.

In our wake, there was a flurry of horns and flashing lights, the squeal of brakes permeating the air ever so briefly as drivers belatedly reacted to our passing. Soon, the blue lights faded to nothing; our speed was a deterring factor for the police; but then again, so was the fact that, by chasing us they were endangering more lives. One way or the other, the blue lights disappeared.

Without even having to signal, we took the next exit and threaded our way back onto surface streets, still “Dark.” Once we were a good distance from the highway, we started "rolling bright" as we turned the lights back on. We made our way to Dan’s house and parked in his garage, so that our rocket powered sleds of mayhem would be hidden from prying eyes, until the heat from the fuzz cooled off. Sadly, I actually talk like this. Rather, I used to.

Retiring to the couch in his living room and flicking on the tube, we reveled in the afterglow of our reckless endangerment of our lives and the lives of others. Suddenly, Dan jumped to his feet, a devilish gleam in his eyes. As he made his way into the darkness of his home and disappeared round a corner, his voice rang out from the shadows.

“Dave, you ever tried ‘Therapeutic Oil’?”

I cocked my eyebrow in confusion, uncertain if I’d heard that right. “The fuck is that?”

His voice far more smug than it should have been, he replied. “You’ve gotta try this shit.”

I replied with sarcasm in kind. “Still don’t know what it is, Dan.”

He emerged from the darkness, cradling a bright green bottle as if it were an infant. The bottle was so brightly colored it almost seemed to be glowing. As a matter of fact, it really looked like it was. I’m not sure if this was a property of the liquid inside the bottle or something caused by the assortment of black lights throughout the house, but none of that mattered at the time.

The two of us made eye contact and said “Absinthe” at the same time.

With a huge grin plastered on his face, he fetched a pair of shot glasses.

"Salud" say we as we down the liquid. It was nearly caustic going down, a fierce burning sensation coupled with a prickly, tingly, menthol sensation. As the fire died in our throats, there was a strange aftertaste… like a minty-cinnamon-anise-clove flavor. The last thing I could remember was taking another shot as Dan tells me that the wormwood they made this batch from was taken from an area of Europe that is renowned for its potent beverages.

The blackness crept up from the edges of my vision and swallowed me.

I was floating numbly in the ether of the void when a voice reverberated in the blackness; this voice, which seemed to come as much from within me as from around me, addressed me. “Boy. What are you doing here?”

I was currently in no state to be answering any sort of questions, the alcohol adding a fine edge to my apathy. Thus, I answered the mysterious voice of hallucination with no small amount of insolence. “I do believe I am floating.”

As my have been expected, the voice did not take kindly to my sarcasm.“Are you mocking us?"

Inebriated as I was, I wasn’t taking the hint. “Us? Are there more of you?”

The voice scoffed. “That is immaterial. How did you come to these hallowed grounds?”

This confused me, this talk of hallowed grounds. I looked around, my eyes trying in vain to pierce the darkness that surrounded me. I had no recollection of ever leaving the couch, let alone of venturing into any sort of “hallowed grounds”, though this would not be the first time I’d woken up someplace strange with no memory of how I’d gotten there. The blackness was so thick that I swear I could feel it pressing down on me. This was just as well; there was nothing to see as, far as I could tell. Something wriggling in the back of my mind told me I might want to stop messing around with whatever this voice was, and answer the question straight up.

It was a bit of a struggle to form cohesive thoughts without sarcasm. “I…I don’t know, to be honest. Last thing I remember was Absinthe…”

The Voice seemed somewhat confused. “Who is this ‘Absinthe’ of which you speak?”

I had to fight the urge to spout a “yo mama” joke. “It’s not a person, it’s a beverage. A strong alcohol that sometimes causes hallucinations. Are you a hallucination?”

The voice dispelled any hope I’d been harboring. “We are as real as you, and in some ways more.”

In the darkness, I rolled my eyes. “That… that’s not very helpful. Look, can I just go home now?”

Again, the voice seemed not to understand. “Home? Where is home for you?”

In my mind, the first thing that popped into my head was the sight of my wife holding my son; both crying. The second was an image of a cyan pegasus, floating along on a cloud. I don’t know why this would pop into my head at this very moment, seeing as how I had never lived there (not even counting the fact that it wasn’t a real place). Regardless, there it was in my mind’s eye… and all I could think about was how nice it must be to live there. Then the voice spoke up again. “You have shown us conflicting visions. Pray tell, which of these do you call home?”

So apparently, they could see my thoughts. That fit neatly in with my “hallucination” theory. But wait… they’d just asked me which one my home was. Did that mean they could send me to Equestria? Well, since this was all an Absinthe fueled break from reality, I figured… why the hell not. I might as well have some fun before I woke up.

With utter conviction, I spouted my answer. “Send me to Equestria, to the place I now picture in my mind’s eye.”

As I said this, I fixed Twilight's library in Ponyville foremost in my mind. If there was a response to my supplication, it was drowned out by a sense of falling into oblivion. The wind began to whip me to and fro, buffeting me with powerful gusts. As the invisible walls of air slammed me around, I started to see stars. Stars, which rapidly coalesced into an all-consuming brightness behind my closed lids. Finally, the buffeting ceased, replaced by a single, very forceful wind. I could feel the wind whistling through my hair… wait. I had hair?

My thought process was disrupted by an earth shattering, eardrum rupturing explosion. Instinctively, my eyes popped open in fright, and as they focused I had to marvel in shock for a moment at what exactly I saw beneath me. The ground was far, far away, but approaching fast. Not even the thought of my imminent collision with the earth below could detract from the sight ahead of me; I was staring at Twilight's tree-library-observatory.

Numbly, my mind kept stumbling over the sheer impossibility of it. At the same time, the threat of the ground rapidly approaching became more and more of a concern. Snapping my concentration away from the library, I quickly determined that I was going to fall to my death, and that was not okay. I braced myself for impact, hoping against hope that I would somehow survive. With a resounding crack and a white hot flash of pain that seemed to reverberate through my entire body, I slammed to a stop, as my world erupted in a burst of crimson, shortly before going black.

And then I touched down, all four of my hooves coming to rest softly the ground. Blinking, I opened my eyes to see if I was dead or not. Looking down to see if my legs were still attached, my heart did this thing it does sometimes where it tries to escape my body by climbing out of my throat. I did not have hands or feet. I was standing on all fours, on hooves. Hooves? Well… that's new.

As my heart settled back down into its rightful place after its failed escape attempt, I drew in a deep breath and noticed two things. First, the air here was the sweetest, purest air I had ever inhaled; it seemed to caress my lungs with each breath. Second, I was pretty sure that my entire ribcage had been surreptitiously replaced with either a bunch of knives or a couple of rabid honey badgers. Each breath was a joyous torment.

The pain in my chest sent waves of agony through me, and I dropped to my knees under the weight of the torment. Vaguely, I noticed something nearby on the ground. Turning to my right to look at it, I saw it was a feather; a light brown feather of unusual length. As I turned my head to see the feather better, I became aware of another one… and another one… and another one… there was an entire gaggle of feathers here! And they all seemed to lead to… me? I don’t have feath-OH MY GOD I’M A PEGASUS. Huh. Imagine that.

That explained the chest pain… I guess my subconscious wasn’t ready to die and used my wings to break our fall. But holy crap it hurt.

As I was staring in shock at the feathered appendages I was now sporting, a lilting voice rose up behind me. “Umm… sir? Are you okay?”

I turned to investigate the newest bit of sensory overload that was gracing my presence. Off to my left there stood a teal unicorn, staring at me; her eyes widened with a mix of worry and trepidation. She looked vaguely familiar, and seemed like she wanted to help, but didn’t want to get too close. Realizing that I was badly hurt and in need of medical assistance, I mustered all of my considerable wit to plead for medical attention. “Hehehe. You are a unicorn.”

Dammit. That was not helpful at all. The teal unicorn took a half step back, suddenly unsure about her idea of approaching this odd pegasus. A few of my synapses managed to fire in a coherent pattern, and I registered the identity of the teal mare, and also the idiocy of my last utterance. After mentally berating myself, I tried again.

“Miss… Lyra? I’m hurt. I… I need a doctor… can you help me?”

Wrong friggin' answer. The mare stood stock still, evaluating me with an uneasy gaze, clearly registering shock and bewilderment. Hesitantly, she asked the obvious question: "H… How do you know my name?"

Damn, I'm amazing. While part of my mind was kicking itself for not seeing this coming, my mouth decided to take matters "into its own hands" so to speak, and addressed the skittish mare. I listened to the words coming from my mouth, curious as to just what I was saying.

"I saw your cutie mark. I figured your name was either Lyra or Harpy, so I just went with it. I was right, I suppose, based on your reaction."

Sonofa bitch. If I could've moved, I would have facehoofed. Did I really just say that? Dammit… Lyra, on the other hand, was apparently in the middle of an emotional pirouette from cautious to some strange mix of sadness and anger. I could hear her grinding her teeth as she stifled her emotions, taking a deep breath to collect herself before addressing me again.

"My name is Lyra… please don't call me that other name ever again. Since you're new here, I won't hold it against you, because you don't know. That was a cruel nickname the bullies called me when I was in school, and I have tried very hard to put it behind me."

Goodness. I'd been here less than a minute, and I was already dredging up repressed emotional trauma. So far, this hallucination was going swimmingly. As I tried to take a deep breath and collect myself to apologize, I was seized by a violent, spasming cough. Driven to my knees, my vision swam as the world faded to shades of grey. I noticed a disquieting gurgle growing in my chest; the feeling of fluid sloshing around in my body was highly concerning.

I eventually quelled the coughing fit, sucking in rapid, shallow breaths to disperse the stars dancing around my head. My mouth tasted like blood, and as I spat onto the sidewalk, I discovered that the reason for this was simply that my mouth was full of the stuff. Breathing as deeply as I dared, I once again began to plead for help as best I could, between rattling inhalations.

"Lyra… please. I'm hurt bad… I need a doctor. Please… help me."

I could almost feel the blood pooling in my lungs as I fought for each breath, and a thin trickle of blood flowed from the corner of my mouth. Despite whatever misgivings Lyra had about me a moment ago, the mare’s trepidation melted away in the face of such a supplication. She approached me and tried to help me to my hooves, but my legs were doing a very convincing impression of wet noodles and would not cooperate. After trying and failing at this for a few moments, the pain rose to an unbearable level and caused me to cry out in protest. This startled her and caused her to drop me, which elicited a further groan of agony from me.

At this point a new voice joined the fray.

“Lyra, do you need a hoof?”

In the back of my mind, I recognized the voice. As Lyra responded, I caught sight of the mare that she was addressing.

“Yeah, could you help me get this guy to Nurse Redheart? He’s really heavy.”

As indignantly as I could manage in my state, I retorted. “Hey… I’m not heavy… I eat right and exercise, and-“

My further rebuttal was silenced by a purple glow as I was levitated into a nearby cart. The two mares nodded in assenting motions at each other as they each wrapped one of the leaders in a glow of magic and set off into town, me in tow.

As they walked, Twilight looked me over with a critical eye before addressing Lyra. “What happened to him?”

Lyra shrugged. “There was a clap of thunder outside… so I went to look, since we are not scheduled for a storm this week. When I got outside, I saw him plummeting towards the ground… I didn’t think he was going to open his wings in time, but just before he smashed into the ground he snaps them open. He slowed down a lot, but I think he hurt himself pretty badly in the process.”

I grumbled to myself. I hated being spoken about as if I wasn’t present. “I’m right here, you know…”

Both mares tossed a glance my way before continuing.

“I heard the thunder too, Lyra. So, he just fell out of the sky?”

Lyra shrugged again. “From what I saw.”

Twilight then looked back at me, cocked an eyebrow expectantly, and asked “Well?”

Caught off guard, I smartly replied “Huh?” Man, I was batting a thousand for quick responses today.

Twilight restated her question. “Why did you fall out of the sky instead of just, I don’t know, landing like a normal pegasus?”

I scratched the back of my neck, a disturbingly long area. "Well, you see… what had happened was…"

I rubbed the mane back of my neck with one hoof while I attempted to concoct a cover story. I drew a blank. Between each ragged breath, I deflected the question as best I could. “Well… it’s a long story, but I’m afraid I’m in no condition for stories at the moment. I promise that as soon as I’m all fixed up, I’ll give you the answers you deserve Miss Lyra and miss…?”

The lavender one took her cue and introduced herself. “Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville’s Town Librarian.”

At this point, we hit a rather large pothole, jarring the cart violently and eliciting a wince and a growl of pain from me. As soon as I managed to contain myself, I formally introduced myself to the two mares.

“Thank you both, Miss Lyra and Miss Sparkle. My name is Dave, and I’m new here.”

Another pothole, another wince. Seriously, was my ribcage made out of fire or what? This was getting ridiculous.

Precluding any further discussion, the Ponyville clinic came into view as we rounded the corner. It was a four story structure made out of light granite, with many windows, presumably to let in natural light. Pretty standard for hospitals, I suppose. While riding in the cart, I almost managed to catch my breath, a little bit of strength had returned to my limbs. As the cart wheeled to a stop out front of the clinic, I tried with some success to stand on my own four hooves again.

And then the front of the cart pitched forward as the pair who were pulling it set down the yoke, causing me to roll head over hooves out of the front of the cart. Not nearly as graceful as I would have preferred, but effective nonetheless. I landed on my haunches as my world spun in a cyclone of agony and stars. As I was trying to convince myself that I really didn’t need to breathe, that air was overrated, an orderly bustled through the door and began to do… something.

I’m pretty sure he was talking to Lyra and Twilight, but I was far too preoccupied with the stars to take note of what they were saying. So many pretty, pretty stars... My lungs simply refused to work, and it was all I could do to take in breath at all. Trying to breathe any deeper only served to piss off the badgers in my chest, a very painful thing to do.

Somehow I wound up on a stretcher being pushed through the halls, and the ceiling lights passing by overhead seemed like a strobe to me. I felt myself drifting away as the whole scene became detached, as if I was watching someone else’s experiences. A new face appeared over me, a blob of blue and white with no features other than a pair of bright blue eyes, which widened as they took in my present condition. Presently, there was a bright light in one of my eyes and then the other, followed by a muffled conversation. I couldn’t help but chuckle inwardly…they sounded like the adults from Peanuts.

I might even have cracked a smile as the blue eyes returned, brandishing a large, shiny needle. A stab of pain in my chest, followed by the sensation of fire spreading through my veins quickly made everything a lot less funny. As the pain blossomed, the world around me once again gained substance, as if I was emerging from the bottom of a lake. I began to catch bits and pieces of conversation, all of it some obscure dialect of doctor-speak, and all of it was far over my head.

I recognized “punctured lung” though, and it suddenly made a lot more sense as to why I couldn’t breathe. Again, the blue eyes returned brandishing a needle. I tried to fend it off, but my miserable, traitorous limbs refused to bend to my will. Again, a brief stab of pain rocked me (seriously, was it necessary to jab it into the same spot as the last one?) but this time, it was followed by a cooling sensation that numbed the fire in my chest.

And what do you know, I could breathe again. Just like that. The gurgle in my chest was worse than before, but that was not my concern at the moment. My lungs greedily sucked down as much air as they could hold. Slowly, I realized that I’d stopped moving, and that nurse blue-eyes was staring at me as if she was expecting something. I screwed my face up in my best approximation of confusion, and she spoke again, reiterating what she had apparently just said. “Can you hear me?”

I nodded.

She nodded in kind. “Good. Do you know who you are and where you are?”

I had to think for a second on that one. Gradually, I replied. “I… I think so. My name is Dave, and… if I’m not mistaken… I'm in Ponyville.”

Another short nod. “Okay Dave. That’s good… now; can you tell me what happened to you?”

I looked at her, confused. “Didn’t the other two fill you in?” I intoned.

She waved a dismissive hoof. “I prefer to hear it from the patient themselves… straight from the horse’s mouth, as it were."

Here, I ran into a bit of trouble. I couldn’t very well explain that I had just appeared over Ponyville as a pegasus who didn’t know how to fly… this hallucination would be a lot less fun if I was in an asylum for it. A voice in the back of my mind pointed out that hallucinations don’t usually hurt, but I silenced that part as I tried to come up with a valid excuse. Suddenly, it hit me.

“Well nurse, what had happened was, I was flying along all fine and dandy, when out of nowhere there was this huge clap of thunder. It startled me so much that my wings locked up, and I only just managed to open them in time to prevent myself becoming a pony shaped smear on the ground.”

I lied as nonchalantly as I could, and it seemed to work. I did not enjoy lying to this pony who was just trying to help me, but there was no way to avoid it for the time being. I would have to figure out a way to explain myself in the future. Presently, the nurse poked inquisitively at my wounds, eliciting a few grunts from me as I voiced my displeasure.

“Well, you are very lucky; these wounds could have been much worse. If you had opened your wings a split second later, you would have hit the ground much faster than you did, and likely would have died. As it is, you have torn your pectoral muscles and fractured a couple ribs. You are very lucky that your broken ribs did not puncture your lung very deeply; otherwise you would be in a much more serious situation. As it is, there is nothing we can do for the rib other than give you some painkillers and ground you for three weeks. Understand?”

My head spun slightly in the wake of the information deluge, but I thought I’d grasped all of the important bits. “Umm… no flying for three weeks, take my pills, get lots of rest. I miss anything?”

She shook her head. “The rest is optional, but encouraged. The other two items are not. If you try to fly in your current condition, you might drive the broken rib back into your lung. Then, you would be in a very bad way. Got it?”

I nodded curtly. “Roger.”

Tilting her head, she inquired “Who’s roger?”

I mentally facehoofed. Of course the nice ponies wouldn’t understand that… radio etiquette means nothing to those who don’t have a radio.

Suppressing a sigh, I lamely replied “Nopony, nurse. I meant to say ‘Yes, I understand.’”

She looked skeptical, but didn’t question me further. "Okay… anyways, there is one last thing we have to do before we can release you, and unfortunately it will be quite unpleasant. It seems that there was a bit of blood that pooled in your punctured lung, and we have to extract it, otherwise it will coagulate and cause further complications. Take a moment to prepare, and let me know when you’re ready."

As I opened my mouth to ask a question, I was quite suddenly aware of an icy cold manifesting in my chest… it was as if I had been stabbed with an icicle. The icicle spread its frigid tendrils throughout my chest, and I became aware of movement in my chest that was entirely unnatural. What came next felt like a combination of vomiting and drowning, as the icicle coalesced into a ball and made its way up and out of my throat.

For what must have been the hundredth time that day, my vision swam from the pain. I was distantly aware of a crimson sphere sheathed in a cerulean glow, as it made its way from my face towards a bucket. A glimpse at the nurse confirmed that she was the source of my anguish, her horn emitting the same cerulean glow that cloaked the crimson sphere. I soon recognized the crimson sphere as the blood that had previously been clotting in my lung.

Before I could even begin to be upset at the nurse for not warning me, it dawned on me that I could breathe again, and breathe deeply at that. The pain of each breath had been reduced to a mild stabbing sensation, and the gurgle in my chest was gone entirely. I savored the sweetness of the air with a new appreciation, and I shot the blue-eyed nurse my best smile and fumbled some sort of appreciative remark in her direction. She merely favored me with a small smile as she wrapped my wings to my chest with gauze to immobilize them, so that the muscles would mend themselves properly, which she explained as she worked.

Satisfied with her work, she spoke up again. “Alrighty then… we’ve done all we can for you. Here’s your bill.”

I faltered. “My… bill?”

In a flat voice, she replied. “Yes, sir. Your bill.”

Fuck me running. I didn’t have any currency to pay this, as far as I knew. I patted against my body in an approximation of where my pockets should be. Suddenly, my hoof thumped against something solid. Looking back, I realized that I had saddlebags on. How did I not notice these before? Mentally shrugging, I pushed the thought off to deal with later as I searched through the bags for something to settle the debt. I pulled out a small satchel that seemed to be laden with coins. I dumped it out on the bed, and a small mountain of bits stared back at me.

Then it occurred to me that I had no idea what the exchange rate was here. I stared at the pile for a moment and looked towards the nurse with a pleading look.

The nurse took the hint with a slight sigh and picked out a half dozen of the golden bits. I took a moment to notice that the blue eyes were attached to a very cute mare, a fine example of natural beauty. How I had suddenly come to the conclusion that this pony was attractive was beyond me, but I wasn't about to question it. Must have something to do with the equestrian body I now inhabited or something like that. I had no time for such thoughts at the moment anyways. With a nod of appreciation, I scooped the remaining bits back into the coin purse. As the nurse turned to walk away, I panicked a bit.

“Nurse! I… um… I never got your name…”

She stopped walking away, turning her head to look back at me. “Joy. My name is Nurse Joy.”

I smiled warmly at her. “Well, from the bottom of my heart Nurse Joy, I thank you.”

At this, Nurse Joy looked stunned. I guessed she wasn’t used to being thanked for what she does… I could see a bit of a blush beginning to bloom on her cheeks. Something compelled me to keep going.

“Well… Nurse Joy? I’m new to this area… and I don’t really know anypony, or know my way around this town. And since I can’t fly anywhere for a few weeks, I was wondering if you knew anybody who could show me around town? Where to eat, where I can rent a room, what sights to see, so on and so forth…”

At this, Nurse Joy’s blush deepened, and she pawed the ground absentmindedly while studiously avoiding my gaze. If it isn't clear by now that I am pretty slow to pick certain things up, let me state it for the record right now: When it comes to females, I am painfully oblivious to all but the most overt signs. Yet, even I could see that the blue eyed Nurse Joy might just have a thing for me. Seeing an opening, I pressed my opening.

"…Perhaps you know a cute nurse who might be up to showing a stranger around town?"

I swear, I had no idea a pony could change so many different shades. Nurse Joy was busy tracing a figure eight on the floor with her hoof, pulling off a startlingly good impression of a tomato for a good ten seconds, before she cleared her throat and shook herself free of her daze. Finally, she gathered herself up and answered me.

“Well, I… I suppose I could… could give you the once-over. Of the Town! The once over of the town I meant, not that I would be giving you the once over, I mean I barely…”

Nurse Joy’s sentence began to dwindle into nothing as she found herself digging deeper and deeper into a hole. I swear, I could almost feel the heat radiating from her blush.

“I would really enjoy that, Nurse Joy.” I punctuated my sentence with a wink, and she started to stammer.

I continued, feeling more confident. “So, when and where would you like to meet for the tour?”

Joy snapped out of her funk with a quick shake of her head, shaking it a few more times for good measure before answering “Meet me out front of the clinic at twenty fifteen. That’s when my shift ends.”

Again, I found myself smiling. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Nurse Joy.”

As she sauntered off, I could see the smile on her face from all the way across the room; I was pretty sure that mine matched it. Gathering my discharge papers, I headed towards the exit. The cart I’d arrived in had disappeared, as had the two mares pulling it. I felt momentarily disappointed that I wasn’t going to meet the Mane Six in some wacky adventure on my first day, but I figured it would happen sooner or later.

I checked the watch that was somehow attached to my hoof and saw that it was only four minutes past eighteen hundred. I had almost two hours to kill before I was to meet Nurse Joy, and I'm not usually one to sit idly by. Thus, I set off along the street I was on. I wandered into a few shops selling assorted novelties, before stumbling upon one which sold cologne. I spent several minutes smelling the different scents until I found one that spoke to me. The best way I can describe it was that it smelled of s'mores by a campfire, cordite, and gasoline fumes.

I loved the scent and bought it immediately, starting to get the hang of the currency here. Spritzing myself with the glorious scent, I walked a bit farther, figuring I would have to turn around soon to make my date with Nurse Joy. Just as I was about to turn around, I spotted a florist closing up shop. In the window was a single flower, the very same shade of blue as Nurse Joy’s eyes. In a moment of hassling and after paying a non-insignificant sum of bits, the flower was mine and carefully tucked into my saddlebag. My bandaged torso complained at the contortion required to reach up and secure the bloom in my saddlebag, so I pulled out the medication I had been given and downed a dose dry, swallowing hard to get the pills to go down.

I began cantering back to the clinic so I could be waiting outside when Nurse Joy came out. I arrived at ten till twenty, and I made myself comfortable on a bench across the street that afforded a clear view of the exit. No sooner had I gotten settled in than I saw a pair of blue eyes heading out of the door, a veritable beacon in the darkness. I hopped off of the bench and cantered in Nurse Joy's direction, but as I drew near to her I froze in my tracks… what was the proper greeting? A hug? A nuzzle? A hoofshake? I wanted to be courteous, but not forward… I locked onto the best solution I could think of and continued forward. As I closed the last bit of distance between us, I bowed deeply before greeting her.

“It’s good to see you again, Nurse Joy.”

As I looked up, I saw she was looking at me with a mild amusement written on her face, and sporting an adorable little smirk. Now it was my turn to blush, and blush I did as I rubbed a hoof along the back of my neck.

“So… I guess you have a different greeting here, huh…”

Her face lit up with a beautiful smile as she replied: “Yes, but you can keep doing that if you want. It’s kinda cute.”

I blushed harder and came up with a snappy reply. “Perhaps, but so are you.”

Now she too was blushing. Score one for me. She motioned into the distance and started walking, I quickly followed. As I drew up alongside her, I fumbled with my saddlebag, attempting to withdraw the flower I had stashed earlier. After a couple missteps and a near faceplant, I managed to extricate the fabulous flora. Clearing my throat to get Nurse Joy’s attention, I stood under a streetlight with the flower behind my back. Nurse Joy turned back and shot a curious look my way. Gesticulating as best I could while hiding a flower behind my back, I motioned her closer. She drew up short about two paces away, and I motioned her closer still. Hesitantly, she drew up to within a meter of me. I sat on my haunches and flourished the flower, eliciting a sharp inhale of surprise from Nurse Joy.

“I was wandering around the avenue as I waited for your shift to be over, and I happened across a florist. And what should catch my eyes but this beautiful flower… I saw it and immediately thought of you. It reminded me of your lovely eyes.”

I swear I thought that if she blushed any harder, she might have a stroke. I guessed that most colts around these parts were not what you would call romantic, and that this was a new experience for her. I motioned for her to come closer, and she only hesitated for a moment this time. I gently brushed her mane away from her ear, and slid the flower in behind it. The flower matched her eyes so perfectly that it seemed like it was custom made for her. I admired the three beautiful bursts of color in front of me for a moment. I smiled at her, and she smiled back; nervously biting her lower lip as she did so.

I was about to ask her if something was wrong when she silenced me with a quick peck on my lips. As was becoming an annoying habit, my mind ground to a halt as it tried to figure out what had just occurred. I felt my own blush blooming as my heart jumped into overdrive, a sensation that I hadn’t felt in quite a while. I was likewise powerless to stop the grin from spreading on my face, not that I minded. It took me a long moment to find my voice again.

“Wow.”

And my winning streak for quick responses lived on. Thankfully, Nurse Joy was better prepared to perform the delicate verbal acrobatics sometime referred to as “Speech.”

“I’m so sorry… I… I don’t know what came over me… I don’t act that way normally. I… I should go…”

“No!” I exclaimed, a bit louder than expected. A bit more softly, I continued. “You don’t have to leave… if you don’t want to. I’d like to spend some more time with you. After all, I haven’t even gotten my tour…”

I held out a hoof in a pleading gesture as I tried my winning-est smile, hoping to convince her to stay. I was relatively sure I could navigate this town on my own after a bit of trial and error, but I would rather not test that theory if I could help it. Something I said or did resonated with her, and she rejoined me, the blush still visible on her face. My stomach grumbled loudly, kindly informing me that I had not eaten today, or since I had entered Equestria, anyways. I looked over to Nurse Joy, who was walking a bit closer to me than she had been before, and addressed my hunger.

“So, where is a good place for cheap, greasy food late at night?”

She raised an eyebrow at the 'greasy' comment, but didn’t mention it. I had momentarily forgotten I was dealing with vegetarians, a mistake I would be sure not to repeat in the future.

“Well, there is a nice little diner nearby that serves the best daffodil sandwich you have ever tasted, and there is also a little smoothie shop that is just out of this world… did you want to stop at one?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Okay, which one: the sandwich place, or the smoothie place?" As she offered the choices, she pointed in two directions.

“Yes,” I replied again.

“Yes?” she intoned, confused.

I smiled at her confusion. “Yes. Both of them sound good, and I do enjoy food quite a bit. Why not both?” Then, I was struck by a thought. I know, it surprised me too. “Wait, I wouldn’t want to keep you away from home for too long… it would be wrong of me to take advantage of you like that. Do tell me if it's getting too late for you, okay?”

Nurse Joy nodded before answering. “I see no reason why we couldn’t do both. It’ll give me a chance to show you more of the town. Also, I think I’d like to get to know you better… you seem like an interesting sort of colt.”

So far, this was shaping up to be the best hallucination I’ve ever had, despite the rough start. In spite of the mounting evidence to the contrary, I was holding on to the idea that this was a hallucination, as the alternative was simply too hard to fathom. As we walked to the first diner for a daisy sammich, we passed the time with idle chit chat. I discovered that her full name was Joy Romana Redheart, and that she was a daughter of the head nurse at the clinic. She was a little bit younger than I was, only a few months away from turning twenty one, and was a full time nurse and part time student as she worked her way towards her doctorate. Because of this, she didn’t have much of a social life or free time, and she was not romantically engaged with anypony else. We arrived at the diner as she ran out of things to say about herself, and began grilling me about my life.

I managed to persuade her to stave off her inquisition momentarily as we placed our order. Most of her questions I was prepared for, such as who I was, where I’d come from, and the like. After all, I hadn’t only been wasting time as I waited for her to get off shift.

Once we ordered a pair of daffodil sandwiches with a side of hay fries, we picked a booth away from the counter and sat down to enjoy our meal. As we polished off our sandwiches and pecked at our fries, Nurse Joy resumed her grilling.

“So Dave, where are you from?”

Swallowing my fries, I responded. “I’m from a small town a long way from here, called Rockledge. Things are… different there. I'm trying to get used to Equestria, with a little luck.”

She didn’t seem to question this at all. “Fair enough. I’d like to think that I could be of assistance with acquainting you with how we do things in Ponyville.”

I grinned at her generous offer. “That would be most appreciated, Nurse Joy.”

She waved a hoof dismissively. “Please Dave, call me Joy. Just Joy.”

“As you wish, Just Joy.”

I smirked with my last comment, delighted at the frazzled look she favored me with. I found it quite endearing. She stuck her tongue out at me and blew a raspberry in my direction.

Murmuring in what could be considered a bedroom manner, I purred “Keep sticking that tongue out, and I’m liable to put it to good use."

At this, Joy froze mid-raspberry as she tried to figure out what that meant. Her comprehension was indicated by the rosy blush spreading across her features, as she found a spot on the table that demanded her utmost attention. She withdrew her tongue slowly, and kept casting glances up at me. I had to say, this mare was just chock full of interesting mannerisms.

She cleared her throat and tried to hide the blush as she changed the subject. She asked about my cutie mark, which I had apparently neglected to analyze while strolling about and waiting for her to get off shift. It was a pretty simple thing, just a glass of water that was half full, with a hole in the cup about the diameter of a bit positioned just above the water line. I had a vague idea of what it might be, but I wasn't about to go down that rabbit hole just yet. I quickly thought up an answer to buy myself some time.

"I like to drink", I said simply, with a dismissive wave of my hoof.

"Drink what?" She questioned.

"Um… hard cider?" I posited.

At the inquisitive note in my reply, Joy narrowed her eyes suspiciously, favoring me with what must have been an attempt at an intimidating gaze.

"Cider, huh?"

Unfortunately, this mare was simply too cute for her own good, and her attempt at intimidation was simply adorable. I put on my game face, adopting the confident, self assured expression and speech pattern that I use when I have to brief my commanding officer. Nine out of ten times, it is not so much what you say as how you say it. This was a game I could not lose. I cocked one eyebrow and met her gaze, initiating a friendly staring contest.

"Yes. I quite enjoy partaking in this beverage."

A moment of silence passed as our staring match heated up. We stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity, when our match was suddenly interrupted by a high pitched squeak of a sneeze from Joy. Our concentration broken, we lapsed into a fit of giggles for reasons we did not quite understand, not that either of us minded. Once we stifled our giggling, Joy spoke up.

"Well, I don’t know about cider, but I could sure go for a smoothie right about now."

I nodded in agreement, and we settled our tab and headed out the door. As we walked away, I cast a glance over my shoulder to catch the name of the diner, having missed it on the way in. The establishment was aptly named "Daffodil's Diner".

While we walked along the nearly empty streets of Ponyville, Joy and I conversed about the different attractions in town, where to eat, what to do, and what to avoid at all costs. Before I knew it, we had arrived at the smoothie joint, a place called "Berry's Smoothies".

As we entered the small café, Joy greeted the mare behind the counter by name, painting both of their faces with a friendly smile.

"Hey there, Berry. How's life?"

The mauve mare behind the counter waved her hoof nonchalantly. "Oh, you know how it goes, Joy. Life is pretty smooth. Who's the handsome mummy?" as she spoke, she gesticulated in my direction.

Joy nodded my way. "This is Dave, from Rockledge. He'll be staying in Ponyville for a few weeks while he heals, and he's asked me to show him around town."

As I mentioned before, I am not exactly the swiftest pony to pick up on inter-pony subtleties, but even I couldn't help but notice a distinctly frosty tone in Joy's response. It seemed to imply "He's mine, back off". If Berry was taken aback at all by this retort, she hid it masterfully. She came right back with a response as chipper as ever.

"Sounds like fun! Make sure you show him all the good stuff,"

Berry added, punctuating her declaration with a highly exaggerated wink. Joy just rolled her eyes playfully and let the comment go unanswered, though her blush was a bit harder to hide. We ordered a pair of the "Berry Smoothies", the beverage which the café was named after, and made famous by.

I have no idea what was in that smoothie other than berries of assorted varieties, but this smoothie tasted better than it had any right to. Who did this smoothie think it was, being that delicious? What was the secret ingredient, weapons-grade deliciousness? Hey, why is half of my smoothie gone… is somepony drinking this when I'm not looking?

What is go-SWEET CELESTIA, MY BRAIN. SO… COLD…

While I was grinding my teeth down to the gums, rubbing my temples like it would actually help, and squinting through the tears brought on by Arctic-Cranium-Itis, I could barely distinguish a mass of blue across from me that seemed to be having a seizure. As I fought the ice demon trying to possess my skull, it registered that the figure across from me was not having a seizure, just laughing uncontrollably. I couldn't help but think that now was an inappropriate time to be laughing, being that there was an angry ice demon on the loose.

Gradually, the pain faded away, and coherent thoughts began to pop up in its stead. My first thought was "What in the hell was I thinking drinking that smoothie so quickly?", and this thought was immediately followed by the realization that they had both anticipated this happening, and were taking far too much joy from this.

This second conclusion was supported by the camera on the counter and the wall of snapshots posted behind the register, all of ponies in the throes of ice-demon-skull-possession. There was no denying it, I had been thoroughly 'gotten', as it were, and I couldn't even be sore about it. I joined in the laughter, and it was at least a minute before we all got ourselves under control again. Joy and I chatted with Berry for a bit before heading out to the patio to enjoy the splendid evening.

Berry's Smoothies was a rather small café, only having about ten tables inside and four more on the patio. The café itself was decorated in bright pastel colors, with depictions of assorted berries painted seemingly at random on the walls; the two sides of the café that faced the street were endowed with several large windows, creating the illusion that there was no wall at all.

Joy and I were seated on the cobblestone patio at the table closest to the corner of the lot, simply enjoying the cool breeze of a beautiful summer night. A few moments of pleasant silence passed before I spoke up.

"So Joy, what are your plans for tomorrow?"

She had just taken a large sip of her smoothie when I asked the question, and shot me a dirty look as she quickly gulped it down to answer.

"Well, tomorrow I don't go to work until seventeen hundred, and my classes don't start again until next week, so I figured I would take the day off to relax. Care to join me? I'll give you the grand tour in the morning if you like."

I smiled again, my cheeks slowly becoming sore from the unaccustomed movement. "Actually, I would like that very much. I can't think of a better way to spend the day, honestly. Just one question though… where can I rent a room? I'll have to sleep eventually, and goodness knows I'll need a shower sooner rather than later. Preferably somewhere cheap… I'm not sure how long my funds will hold out between rent and food. Do you know anywhere that needs part time help? If I could get a part time job, I-"

Joy silenced me mid-sentence with a wave of her hoof.

"Actually, I have a solution to all of the concerns you mentioned, and others besides."

I cocked an eyebrow to express my skepticism, but waved her on to continue.

"It's fairly simple really… you can just stay with me while you recover."

I stopped in the midst of a hearty gulp of smoothie, and I might have done a spit-take if the smoothie wasn’t so damned good. As it was, I swallowed heavily before speaking up.

"Are… are you sure? I feel like I would be nothing but a burden to you in my current condition… not that I don't appreciate the offer tremendously, it's just that I have so very little to give in return…"

She leveled her gaze at me. "Dave, I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't sure; I've been contemplating it since I got off of work. If that coin purse of yours is all you have with you, you could barely afford a week in an inn, let alone food as well. Plus, if you are staying under my roof, I can keep an eye on you. On your wounds, I mean… make sure you are healing properly and all that. It's like a house-call in reverse."

I made eye contact with Joy, and as the connection was made I registered somewhere in my mind that these were the eyes of a mare who had made up her mind and would not take no for an answer. It had to be some sort of Jedi mind trick, because there is no way I could read that much from a look… and yet, I had no doubt that I was right about the look. I could do nothing to resist.

"Well, if it's the doctor's orders… who am I to argue?"

At this, Joy hung her head a bit and lowered her voice in what seemed like defeat as I finished my sentence… leave it to me to strike a raw nerve with a compliment.

"Dave, I am a nurse, not a doctor."

Her voice got so quiet that it was almost silent, as she finished her thought.

"And sometimes, it seems like I'll never be."

I have no idea what's come over me since I arrived in Equestria, but as long as I've been here I've been picking up on far more inter-pony signals and cues, and something inside me was thrashing in its cage with an overwhelming desire to comfort this mare.

"Joy… don't say things like that about yourself. There are too many ponies in this world who will tell you that you can't do it, that you aren't strong enough or smart enough, or some other thing to tear you down. There is no reason to add your voice to the crowd. The world is full of them; this is a sad fact of life. You may not see them around Ponyville much, but trust me, they’re out there. Here’s the secret though: it doesn't matter if the entire world is telling you that you can't. All you need is one special pony telling you that you can achieve your dreams to make all the other voices silent. Now, I'm no good at these motivational talks, but even I can clearly see you have what it takes to achieve your goal. I'll be your one voice; I believe in you, even if you don’t. I'm going to keep calling you 'Doctor' because as far as I'm concerned, it’s not a question of if, but when you achieve your goals. If I were to disappear tonight, I want you to know that no matter what, I believe in you."

Honestly, I was surprised that all of that came out as smoothly as it did. I just knew what needed to be said, and I said it. And every single word of it was the truth, no less. At first, Joy seemed to be in shock. She sat as motionless as a statue for so long that I began to wonder if I had said something to hurt her or offend her. Just as I was opening my mouth to apologize, I heard the tiniest sniffle escape her. I stopped before I spoke, and looked at her very closely for a sign of what I should do next. Once I really looked at her, I began to see the signs. Her face was partially hidden by her mane, but her shoulders shook ever so slightly with her silent sobs. The breaking point was when the first tear hit the table.

Without stopping to consider the ramifications, or to really think at all, I stood up took a seat next to her. I put a hoof on her shoulder to comfort her, and for a moment she did not react at all. Just as I was wondering if I had crossed a line in the sand and hopelessly destroyed the fledgling friendship we had only just began building, she inclined her head and nuzzled my hoof. This was all the affirmation that I needed, and I pulled her into a hug and held her close. Her initial stiffness soon faded as she let her composure slip away, and soon she was leaning into my embrace, soft sobs gently wracking her body. Right about then, I had no idea what exactly had caused this little meltdown, but it was plainly obvious that this was just what she needed; a little bit of encouragement and comfort.

I don't know how long we stayed in that position. It was likely not more than a couple of minutes before Joy shifted her position to return my embrace. And return it she did, with a vengeance at that. She held me in a vice-like hug and buried her face into my neck. Her warm tears traced a path down to my shoulder, tickling a bit as they did so.

Again, I have no frame of reference for how long we held that posture. In her own good time, Joy's quiet sobs had abated and then halted altogether, as her hug0 became less vice like and more gentle. However long she had embraced me was plenty long enough to inflame my injuries, though I did my best to hide it. It was Joy who broke the silence.

"I… I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I've… I've never been complemented like that before. It's just that… I'm always so busy, between school and work, and I have this constant fear that I'm not good enough to make it. I guess I never realized how much it was weighing on me, how much I needed… validation. I didn’t believe in myself… you were right, what you said about only needing one voice to silence the rest. If somepony I barely know believes in me, then why can't I believe in myself? I know it sounds stupid, but… just knowing that there is somepony who believes in me gives me a reason to keep trying. Even if I can't believe in myself, I know that you do… so I'll keep trying for you, if nothing else. I won't let myself disappoint you."

The ball was back in my court, and I had no way to respond. What can you say to that? I felt like there was something I should say, but nothing seemed right. And just like that, the moment was gone; the only sounds were those of the crickets in the night and that of our breathing. We remained seated on the bench, still holding our embrace.

Having my arms in an elevated position for so long, combined with the constricting hug from earlier conspired to produce an exquisite pain that wrapped my chest in a constricting band of embers.

Despite my best efforts to hide the pain, soon my breath was hitching in my throat with each exhalation. The nurse portion of Joy surfaced as soon as she caught on to my pain, and the embrace was broken as she pulled back to evaluate me. In her absence, my arms felt empty and cold, though my chest ached as badly as ever. Before I could really discern what was happening, she had rummaged through my saddlebag, grabbed the pain medication out of it, measured out the proper dosage, and popped the pills into my mouth. As I opened my mouth to protest or something of the sort, I felt a straw being pushed between my lips.

About this time, my brain decided to catch up with the rest of the world, and I washed down my medication with the now-melted Berry Smoothie. How long had we been sitting here, wrapped in our own world? I checked my watch and then checked it again in disbelief; it was nearly midnight. As if to confirm the legitimacy of the time, a rather long and noisy yawn escaped from me. Somehow, the time had slipped away much faster than seemed possible, and had taken my stamina with it. As we stood up to leave, I cast a glance back towards Berry. She was glaring at me with a mixture of concern for her friend and an unconcealed threat for me, if I had been the one that had wrought tears from those blue eyes. Berry's concerns were soothed as Joy came up to me, and nuzzled my neck as we made our way towards the exit.

The walk back to Joy's residence seemed like a mountain climbing expedition. After an extended period of abuse and neglect, my torn muscles refused to be soothed by the pain killers, choosing instead to remain miserable clusters of pain. By the time we walked in the door to her home, I was entirely disoriented. Somehow, the sleeping arrangements were set up, and I would be sleeping on the pull out bed in the living room. I was settling into the couch, entirely oblivious to damn near everything around me when I had a singularly disturbing thought: What if I went to sleep here and woke up back on earth? I was not ready to leave Equestria for the torment of my day to day world. I wasn't sure how I could settle back into my life as if nothing had happened after going through everything I had experienced today. Granted, I might have only been here for a couple hours, but the time I spent here had already left an indelible mark on me. I'd made a friend here; one who I felt needed me. If I was to leave her after everything she did for me without giving her an explanation, what would that say about me?

As I felt the weariness settling over me, I tried in vain to communicate my fear of leaving to her, unsuccessfully. My mouth was full of peanut butter each time I tried to speak, my exhaustion taking its toll. The last thing I could remember about that night was when Joy turned out the light; I had hoped and begged for all I was worth to remain in Equestria for the rest of my days.

The lights went out, and I locked the image of the living room away in the vault of my mind. All I could think was that to fall asleep in Equestria meant to wake up back in my own world, and for some reason I did not want this at all. As sleep claimed me, the last thing that ran through my head was an image of Joy's face, as we enjoyed our smoothies. I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life.

And then the blackness moved in.

2: The Town

That night, I dreamed.

It began innocently enough, the memory of Joy walking down the street with me playing back in my mind. We had been trading the tales of our lives on our way to Berry's, having a truly good time, when everything took a turn for the worse. Something about me felt… off, fundamentally wrong. I caught sight of my reflection in a window and immediately realized what it was. My wings were receding into my body, shriveling like grapes left in the sun as the feathers sloughed off and drifted to the ground.

Joy seemed to notice none of this, and she continued with her story as if nothing was happening. As my wings atrophied before my very eyes, I felt my hooves cracking and splitting, breaking apart into several segments that remained attached to the nub that was once my hoof. My legs had begun to pop and crunch in a sickening manner as the bones seemed to melt away and reform in different ways. With a sudden motion that drove me to the ground, my legs violently contracted and expanded with a horrendous grinding sensation.

I cried out to Joy for help, but she seemed not to hear me. My wings had disappeared entirely, my hooves had split, my legs had destroyed and reformed themselves completely, and my coat had begun to fall away in large tufts. All I could think was that this was how I met my end. This was how I died. I was obviously being afflicted by some horrible plague, one whose most disconcerting effect was rendering me mute, unable to call for help. I had never been so alone and so close to another being at the same time.

And just like that, it ended. Still weary from the pain, my eyes finally began to refocus as my anatomy ceased to rearrange itself. I sat back and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to gather my mind after the ordeal.

Wait.

Fingers.

Shit.

I lowered my hand to my face and the evidence was as inescapable as the fleshy digits waving in front of me. Somehow, I had been returned to my human form, in all of its dubious glory. Yet I was still on the side of the main road in Ponyville, a fact that seemed incongruous with everything that had just happened. Why had I not been torn from this world and returned to my own? How was I going to justify my strange appearance to everypony, to Joy?

Fortunately, the universe was not going to let me suffer through the indignity of explaining my current physical form to the inhabitants of this town. The sky was cleaved by a flash of light, and a moment later the constellations were pulled aside as if by an enormous zipper. A great chasm of fire opened in the sky. The roof of the world was rent asunder by an abyss so black it seemed to consume all light, the hellish maw ringed by an inferno of emerald flame.

The sight was so terrible it froze me to the spot, utterly immobilized under the weight of the horror it inspired in me. My eyes were locked not onto the emerald flames but rather onto the immaculate darkness. As I stared into the abyss, it stared into me, into my very soul. I became aware of a peculiar feeling, as if there was something nibbling around the edges of my mind, threatening to swallow it up.

The abyss above beckoned me with unspoken promises, a whispering madness that consumed my being. It was as if countless souls screamed in terror from across the gulf of time, witness to some unfathomable horror that spoke blackness to the soul.

From the depths of the abyss I somehow detected the movement of a shadow upon blackness. What form this shape was, I could not say. My eyes refused to focus upon it, lest the sight rob me of what little sanity I yet possessed. What I could discern was almost beyond description: it was simply beyond the scope of language to convey the immensity of this being.

From the abyss reached the arm of an eldritch terror, the size of which was beyond fathom. The whole of the town could rest in its palm with room to spare. The appendage appeared to be descending in slow motion, a trick caused by the scale of it. As it drew to within a kilometer or so of the ground, I could make out that the appendage was blanketed in obsidian scales, even the smallest of them was an acre square if it was an inch.

From within the abyss there came a glimmer of light, and it was because of this glimmer that I was able to finally grasp what this being was. This creature was a Dragon, and it must have been as old as time itself. Things began to click into place as I realized the nature of the beast. The emerald inferno that ringed the chasm was the exact same shade as the absinthe I had partaken in on that fateful night. The voice in the abyss must have been the voice of this creature.

The arm of the Elder Dragon drew nearer, and it blotted out the stars. I knew that it was coming for me, to return me to my own world, and that I could not possibly escape. My time in Equestria had come to an end, almost as soon as it had started. The closeness of the arm was betrayed by the rush of air preceding it, as the massive limb displaced the atmosphere ahead of it.

The gusts quickly built to hurricane strength, and yet I was rooted to the spot as if by concrete. The surrounding buildings were not so lucky though, and all around me there rose the tinkle of shattering glass and the creak of stressed wooden timbers. Several buildings collapsed under the strain, their debris setting off a chain reaction; in a matter of seconds Ponyville had been reduced to rubble under the onslaught.

In the heart of the chaos, with hurricane force winds whipping all around and debris filling the air, there stood Joy; untouched and oblivious. She locked eyes with me, seemingly unaware of the terrible cacophony of wind that rose around us. And just like that, she was gone. In her place was a tremendous obsidian claw that had buried itself an untold depth into the earth. The digits of the unfathomable creature closed in around me, forming a forest of claws that slowly ensnared me. I was grasped with a surprising gentleness, yet could not refrain from screaming in pain. Where the digits touched me appeared to burn with the fire of a thousand stars, the flesh seemed to melt from my bones at the contact.

My world exploded in red waves of pain which intermingled with the emerald inferno, painting the landscape of my mind in a hellish parody of the winter holidays. My lungs burned from screaming, but I was powerless to stop. Vaguely I registered the sensation of being lifted off of the ground, knowing that I was going to return to my own world; that world full of hatred, spite, and bad memories. I just wished that I could’ve seen Joy one last time, just to let her know what a great pony she was.

Without warning, I was bathed in a warm white light that filled my senses, obliterating the claw forest that had enveloped me. Though the appendages dissipated in the light, the pain did not; I was still wracked by the burning sensation, though it was now confined to my chest. Out of the haze, there rose a voice that was familiar, despite the clear note of panic that permeated it.

"Dave! Dave, are you okay?"

Joy. It was Joy who was speaking to me. This was not possible, for I had seen her being smote by a creature from beyond the stars… or so I thought. The grip of the night terror weakened, and everything came down around me. It was a dream… just a dream.

All I wanted to do was reach out and touch her, to be reassured by the feel of her hoof against mine. I tried and failed to call out to her; it was all I could do to suppress the screams of agony into a drawn out growl. Blinded as I was by the luminous white haze that had replaced the obsidian forest, I could sense that she was near. I felt a hoof being pressed against my head, and a cooling sensation began to wrap around my chest, driving away the worst of the pain and replacing it with a tingly coolness.

From the midst of the haze, Joy's voice rose again like a beacon of hope. "Dave! Please, speak to me. Where do you hurt? Are you having trouble breathing?"

In my mind, I registered that I could not breathe deeply, each attempt being met by a flash of debilitating pain. I tried to speak. "J… Joy."

It had taken all of my strength to utter that one word, and yet it was the single most wonderful sound I had ever made. The nightmare induced paralysis and muteness had begun to wear off and somewhere inside me, a pony was jumping for joy. My heart threatened to leap from my chest each time Joy spoke up, and this next time was no exception. "Dave? Hang in there; I'm going to give you something for the pain."

I heard the sound of somepony rustling through a bag of some sort a short distance away, followed by a couple hoofsteps and a sharp jab in my chest.

A jab in the same damn spot I’d gotten a pair of shots earlier that day. I tell you what; I was really beginning to hate needles at this point.

Bickering aside, I immediately felt a cooling sensation spreading from the injection site, like ripples in a pond. With a great, shuddering exhalation, I released a breath I hadn't known I was holding. As the luminous haze blanketing my mind began to clear, I began to make out familiar details of my surroundings.

A coffee table, just below the edge of the bed on which I laid, still held the remnants of a Berry’s smoothie. Just to the right of the table was a pair of saddlebags which sat askew, seemingly deposited in a hurry. The single thing that sent the reality of the situation crashing home was the vase sitting on the end table: a single, strikingly blue flower was perched in its crystalline grasp.

As my gaze registered the sight of the flower in all its azure glory, it was suddenly eclipsed by a pair of identically hued orbs, widened by worry. "Hey…how are you feeling now?"

The weight on my chest had slowly faded as had the fog; I felt as if I was surfacing from the depths of the ocean and had suddenly broken the surface. Everything seemed sharper than ever, each color more vivid than ever. At the center of my field of view was Nurse Joy, the single most beautiful sight I could have ever hoped to see, seemingly radiant in the soft light.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before replying. "I… much better, now that you are here."

Joy exhaled deeply, releasing the breath she had been holding, as well as a knot of tension that had settled in her gut. "Oh, thank Celestia. I thought you were dying, the way you were screaming. What happened to you?"

"I think the pain medication wore off while I was sleeping, and the pain hit me all at once. That, and I had a terrible nightmare."

"I thought the medication might wear off, but I was hoping you would sleep through it. And as for the nightmare, it must have been horrible; you were thrashing like you were on fire."

I barely stifled a shiver at the memory of the dream… it was more real than any other dream I had ever dreamt. I didn't want to show her how deeply this had shaken me, so I put on a façade of nonchalance as I replied.

"Eh… you aren't that far from the truth. I'll tell you in the morning… I feel bad enough for waking you up like this, I couldn't possibly keep you up any longer by telling you this silly dream of mine."

"It's quite alright, Dave. I don't think I could get back to sleep after that ruckus anyways."

Hearing this, I hung my head in shame. Not only was I embarrassed for screaming like that in the midst of a nightmare, I was positively mortified that I had awoken this mare and sent her into a panic on my behalf. Seeing this, Joy was quick to reassure me… or try to, at least.

"Hey Dave, don't worry about it. I'm a light sleeper, and I only panicked a little when I heard you screaming in pain."

I hung my head even lower, trying valiantly to hide my embarrassed blush. I failed miserably. At length, I spoke up to reassure Joy that I would be fine, and that she could go back to bed.

"You don't have to stay awake on my behalf… I'm pretty sure I won't be getting back to sleep tonight. At least one of us should get some beauty sleep, though I dare say you need it far less than I."

At this, Joy blushed. Honestly, I've never seen anypony flush so much over such small compliments before. Still sporting rosy cheeks, she spoke up.

"Oh, come on now. We both know that I look a fright right now. I'm afraid to contemplate what my mane looks like at the moment."

Casting a glance at the aforementioned mane, I couldn't help but grin. It was tousled a bit compared to the well groomed mane I had seen earlier, but it was just so damn adorable. It simultaneously gave her a devil-may-care sort of look crossed with an "I just did something naughty in bed" look. Not noticing my stare, she continued.

"You, on the other hoof, look like a million bits. I wish I could look that good when I roll out of bed in the morning."

I responded with a slight blush and a hasty reply. "I dunno what you are talking about. You are sporting the single most adorable case of bed-head I've ever seen."

Joy responded by throwing her hooves over her mane in a protective fashion and telekinetically chucking a pillow at my head. I never saw it coming. The next thing I knew I had moved from a sitting position to a reclining one, spitting out a loose feather. I quickly ascertained what had happened, a conclusion that was confirmed by the mare laughing her flanks off at the foot of the bed. Seizing the opportunity and utilizing the element of surprise, I launched a counter attack, the down-filled missile sailing through the air and impacting its target perfectly.

Joy's laughter was cut short with a soft whoomp, as the unanticipated impact of a feathery projectile struck her square on her nose. The collision sent her sprawling onto her back with a look of surprise etched on her face. Oh, what I would have given for a camera right then…

Next thing you know, there are pillows flying back and forth. Despite being entirely outgunned by this unicorn and her cheating telekinesis, I still managed to hold my own. I threw a pillow and then another immediately after it, using the first one to hide the second. Joy knocked the first one aside with a wave of magic, only to be struck by the second. Using this instant of distraction, I launched myself across the couch, pinning her forelegs with my hooves and her rear legs with mine.

Joy was pinned to the couch on her back, looking up at me as I gloated in my moment of victory. She was looking up at me with a curious smile, one that seemed to mix trepidation and anticipation. This struck me as quite odd for a moment, before it dawned on me what it was she might be smiling at me about.

I was pinning her in such a way that she could not move her arms nor her legs, the latter of which were splayed wide by the way in which I pinned her. The position was… suggestive, to say the least. I felt a familiar warmth growing in a very personal area, and I damn near jumped off of her, trying to get myself under control. I lay down next to her as nonchalantly as I could, attempting to cover a certain area by crossing my legs. I willed this growing feeling to go away with everything I had. Joy looked at me with something akin to disappointment for a moment, before releasing a deep sigh and looking resigned. I got myself under control after a good deal of effort, and managed an uneasy smile.

"Heh… I win."

Joy regarded me with a funny look for a second, before raising one eyebrow in a suggestive manner and replying "So you did… now, what shall be your prize?"

She all but purred the last word, re-igniting that warm sensation I had just quelled. Dammit. Why couldn't this be easy? I thought of a reply as quickly as I could under the circumstances, discarding more than a few ideas that seemed to come from a smaller head than the one I usually thought with.

"Hmmm… for my prize… I shall claim a kiss from the fair maiden."

Joy made a great show of looking around, behind, above, and under herself before pointing a hoof at her chest and saying "Me?"

I simply nodded, and punctuated the gesture with a wink. Joy turned a bit scarlet at this, and began to chew her lip again. I adopted my Game Face™ once again, and raised my eyebrow in a challenging expression. Joy rose to the challenge, pressing her lips firmly against mine. I kissed back, and before I knew it, she was pushing the kiss, a quiet desperation apparent in her actions. She kissed me harder, pushing me onto my back as she climbed on top of my supine form. Alarm bells began to ring feverishly in my head, alerting me that this was going in a certain direction, one that I was not sure I wanted to go just yet. I placed a hoof on her chest and gently pushed her away, breaking the kiss.

She immediately tried to re-initiate the kiss, but my hoof held her just out of reach of my lips. At first she looked confused, but this quickly faded to an expression of hurt. Her shoulders slumped as she exhaled deeply, all of her energy seemingly departing at once. Though she was still in a straddling position, the spark of the moment had vanished, leaving an awkward silence in its place. She had begun to apologize, but I cut her off with a hoof gently pressed to her lips as I began to speak.

"Shhh… Don't apologize, Joy. You've done nothing wrong. It's just… I don't feel like this is right. It's too soon. "

Joy seemed to physically deflate, becoming a smaller, frailer version of herself. She spoke up in hushed tones barely above a whisper, remorse and regret heavy in her voice.

"I… I'm sorry. I can only imagine what you think of me now… I'm not like that, I swear… it's just… you're so sweet, and I got caught up in the moment, and… I… I'm so sorry…"

I quietly shushed her, reaching up and pulling her towards me while rotating my body so that we ended up on our sides in a close embrace, lying face to face. It seemed a lot less awkward this way. I spoke up.

"Don't worry about it, Joy. I think nothing but the best of you; after all, you have been nothing but wonderful to me since we first met. I just think that maybe we are moving too quickly, and I'm afraid you'll get hurt. I… I just want to take things slow. Let's not rush, okay?"

Joy sniffled a bit at this, apparently on the verge of tears. Her voice cracked as she responded.

"I… I feel… dirty. Not because of you, don't even think that for a second. It's just that… I've never been around anypony who is as nice as you, or as sweet, or funny… everypony knows my mom, Nurse Redheart, and they avoid me like the plague.”

This caught me off guard. “Why is that? Why do they avoid her?”

Jpy looked at me for a second before averting her eyes, staring off into the middle distance as she relayed the tale. “When my mom first came to Ponyville, she was a nurse fresh out of school, looking to make a career for herself. Every day she gave her all to earn the trust of the townsfolk, to make a name for herself as dedicated medic.”

“And it almost worked too… but after a few weeks at the clinic, she gets a really ornery stallion as a patient. He had a simple case of heat cramps, easy enough to treat. Give the patient an IV to get their fluids up, keep them out of the sun for a bit, and they will be right as rain in no time. The patient, however, had other ideas."

"He was constantly making degrading remarks to her, telling her he wanted a male doctor, not this incompetent female nurse. It really got to her because she took such pride in her skills and knowledge, and she got sloppy under the pressure. While she was changing his IV, she accidentally introduced an air bubble into the line. In a few minutes, he was in a downward spiral and his vitals were crashing. The surgeons got him to the ICU just in time to save his miserable life."

"The air bubble in his blood traveled to his lungs, causing a pulmonary embolism: an air bubble in the lungs. It nearly killed him. Though she was proven innocent by an investigation, there was a nasty rumor that she had done it on purpose. And while sensible ponies could clearly see that it was an accident, the more ignorant of the townsfolk held on to the idea that it was intentional. To this day, colts want nothing to do with me, for fear of what my mother might do if they cross her."

"It's really saddening to see that after all this time, that one mistake is still haunting her. Why do you think she never became a doctor? She is more than qualified for the position, but every time her packet goes to the board for review, it gets rejected for some asinine reason or another. It's heart breaking… she’s one of the sweetest, most caring mares you'll ever meet, and a really good nurse besides."

I thought about this for a moment more. It quite neatly explained why Joy had been so… forward. She had rarely had a stallion show interest in her before, and must have been overcompensating. I could only imagine the seclusion she must have felt all those years, being shunned by the ones she pursued. I thought for a second before replying.

"Well, I guess that explains a good deal. If your mother is as sweet as you make her out to be, I can clearly see where you get your diabetes-inducing personality from. It's hereditary."

Joy once again turned a shade of scarlet and gave me a quick, unapologetic peck on the lips. "Dave, you are simply too sweet to be real. What are you made of, sugar?"

I shrugged. "I don't know about sugar, but I do believe I am about twenty percent weapons-grade awesomeness."

Despite the previous awkwardness, Joy relished in a hearty laugh. We stayed locked in the embrace for a long time, and Joy drifted off to sleep in my arms. I had begun to drift off as well in spite of my earlier nightmare, when I was suddenly aroused by Joy's shifting in my arms. She rolled over so that her back was facing my stomach, and then scooted back until she was pressed firmly up against my body.

And just like that, I was spooning a pony I had known less than eighteen hours. And I was completely okay with it. I wrapped my arms around her and drifted off to sleep, not worried in the least about nightmares. I adjusted my position to get more comfortable, and despite my best efforts I jostled her to the verge of waking up, but not quite enough to rouse her. In her sleep, she uttered the single most intriguing thing I had heard in at least an hour:

"…but I want to ride the pony…"

As much as I wanted to wake her and ask what she was dreaming about, my own exhaustion took over, pulling me into the land of dreams. The last thing that registered in my mind before I lost consciousness was that her mane smelled like mint…

As I lay there on the couch-bed with this mare in my arms and her scent on my mind, I dreamed again. No, I will not elaborate beyond that, other than to say that it was personal in nature and not something that is safe for young eyes to read. Regardless, I was having a good dream… a very good dream. I was unceremoniously jolted awake as the mare in my arms suddenly was no longer present, her rapid movement jarring me from sleep. I opened my eyes to see what was happening, and I was blinded by a ray of sunlight streaming in from the window.

Blinking at the abominably bright light and squinting to fight the glare, I picked out a pair of blue eyes regarding me warily. Joy had relocated from her resting place in my arms to the loveseat on the other side of the coffee table, where she sat with her knees tucked under her chin and her arms crossed over them. Her face was hidden halfway by her knees, but her eyes were clearly studying me very closely, and I could easily distinguish that they were darting from my face to my… oh my.

As sometimes happens, a good friend of mine had decided to wish me a good morning…there were, however, a few problems with this. First, my chum was clearly very excited to wish me a good morning, to the point that it was almost painful. Second and more importantly, I had been snuggled quite close to an attractive mare when he decided to say hello. I quickly turned as scarlet as I had ever been; I scrambled madly to grab something, anything to cover my shame.

After I had obscured myself with the pillows I slept on last night, the blankets from the bed, the cushions from the couch, and finding nothing else within reach, I sat there with my heart pounding in my ears and my face burning with shame. The silence was palpable; it was deafening. When Joy cleared her throat, it echoed through the stillness like the report of a high powered rifle.

“Uh… ahem… so… that was… unexpected…”

I pretty much wanted to just disappear right then. I almost wanted the sky to be torn open and for the Elder Dragon to claim me, just to be free of this embarrassment. Almost.

“I… I’m so sorry about that. It… sometimes it just does its own thing. I… ugh…”

I facehoofed loudly for not seeing this coming from a mile away. Joy displayed a tremendous amount of grace with her next action: She simply laughed. It was a strange, infectious sound under the circumstances, and after a moment more of wallowing in my embarrassment, I couldn’t help but join her. Joy spoke up first, tears in her eyes from her joviality.

“Oh Goddesses… that was priceless… I had no idea what was happening. One minute I’m sleeping like a rock, and then I feel something on my back… I thought it was your hoof poking me! And then you wake up, and you look so dang cute when you're flustered… your expression was priceless.”

Joy promptly collapsed back into a fit of giggles, and I managed to get myself under control. After another minute or so, I felt confident enough to stand up, letting all of the debris I'd piled on myself fall away. After the abrupt awakening, there was no chance in hell of me going back to sleep anytime soon. Joy was still lapsing into giggling fits at random, and I was taking care to walk a certain way so I didn't rub anything the wrong way and get this started all over again. It was at this moment that my stomach decided to voice its opinion that now is a fantastic time for breakfast, startling us both. I rubbed the back of my neck, and spoke up.

"Heh… so, I think it's breakfast time…"

She smiled at me again, making my heart skip a beat. "Hmm… I do believe you're right. So, where do you want to go? There are a few good places around here for breakfast, so it's really up to you. Where to?"

"Surprise me. I trust you."

With a light blush, Joy gave a quick nod.

"Alright, I think I know a place. Before then, however, I have to make myself presentable. There is a guest bathroom down here that you can use, if you like. It's the door on the right, at the end of the hallway."

I looked the mare over, her mane still delightfully disheveled from her rapid evacuation of the sofa-bed, and decided that she looked wonderful as is. She shot me a "You've got to be kidding me" look, to which I shook my head. She rolled her eyes and waved a hoof dismissively, but I could see the smile on her face from across the room even though I was standing behind her. She cast a glance over her shoulder at me as she turned the corner, and I could swear she winked at me. And then she was out of sight around the corner, my mind still reeling.

My mind was full of fuzz as I tried to make heads or tails of what exactly was going on here. I stood there staring blankly into space for who knows how long, until the sound of a shower coming on jolted me back to reality. Images of a shower popped into my head, immediately followed by a pair of strikingly blue eyes… okay, time for a cold shower.

I navigated my way to the end of the hallway, a feat that required a significant portion of my cunning and wit. I located the shower, and turned the tap onto cold as far as it would go before I carefully unwrapped the bandages from around my chest. I took a deep breath to prepare myself, and didn't bother to test the water before stepping in.

Holy sweet mother of… potatoes, I did not think that through at all. I damn near jumped out of the shower from the shock of the glacial runoff that spewed forth from the faucet. Well, that takes care of my problem… I was shivering vigorously before I decided that enough was enough and turned the tap up to something above freezing.

I finished my hygiene routine and toweled off, taking a moment to admire myself in the mirror. My coat was a light brown, my mane a bit darker, and my eyes were the same steel blue as ever. My injuries showed no outward manifestation, not even a bruise. One thing that I took note of with no small amount of delight was the fact that I seemed to be in just as good of a physical condition on Equestria as I had been on earth, if not better.

Feeling that my ego had been sufficiently stoked for the time being, I wrapped the towel around my waist and trotted to the living room to get my cologne from the day before… I could not get enough of that stuff. I retrieved the bottle from my pack and spritzed myself, closing my eyes and wafting in the glorious odor. As I stood there, basking in the amazing smell, I got the prickly sensation that I was being watched.

Upon opening my eyes, I did two things simultaneously. One, I realized that I was correct, I was indeed being observed. Second, I recoiled in shock from the mare standing directly in front of me, our faces only centimeters apart. As I was recoiling, I used my tremendous vocabulary and mastery of vernacular aerobatics to communicate my shock at the proximity of our faces.

"BWAAA!"

Damn… that had sounded so much better in my head. To top it all off, as I was backpedaling in fright, I tripped over my saddlebags and ended up sprawled on the floor. I swear to Luna, I saw stars circling my head. As my eyes ceased to spin in conflicting directions, they focused on the very face I had just retreated from. Joy was standing a few steps from where I lay, a dreamy look on her face.

"You smell really good…"

I shifted my position, climbing back to my hooves. "Um… thank you…"

"Anyhow, are you almost ready for breakfast?" she intoned.

"Indubitably." I replied.

This was met by an odd look from the mare, as if she was asking herself who actually used such words. I gathered up my saddlebags and met Joy by the door, and without further ado we ventured forth into the soft light of the early morning.

We had been walking for a good twenty minutes in the calm stillness of the early morning when we came to the fountain in the center of Ponyville. The sound of the water gently splashing across the features of the statue was incredibly tranquil, and inspired in me a feeling of well-being and contentedness that I could not quite explain. Tucked into a small alcove between a pair of much larger buildings was a tiny café, no more than five meters wide but at least twenty meters deep. It was a very nondescript place from the outside, boasting only a small hoof-carved sign as an indicator of its existence.

As Joy led me towards the door, she explained a bit about the establishment.

"This is my favorite place to eat breakfast. It's a bit pricy, but the sunflower hash is to die for. I stumbled across it one morning as I went for a walk to clear my head after a night of studying, and I immediately fell in love with it."

As I drew up within a few steps of the establishment, I could finally make out the name engraved in the wooden slab: "Fleur de Lis." We entered into the small café, and took a seat at a table by the window. After a few moments, a waitress with a thick accent came and took our order. While we waited for our sunflower hash to arrive, we simply sat in a comfortable silence and stared out the window, watching as the rest of the town slowly shook itself loose of the veil of sleep and awoke to the new day.

Over breakfast, we continued an idle conversation about our planned tour of the town. It was decided early on that we would visit a few of the main attractions in town, namely Sugarcube Corner, a clothing shop known only as "The Boutique", the town market, the city hall, and the library before lunch. After lunch, we would decide what we felt up to for the rest of the day. By the time we had polished off breakfast, our plans had been laid, and we set forth to visit the main attractions, though in no particular order. A cursory glance at my watch revealed that it was only zero-six-twenty, and we had dang near all day to tour the town.

We struck out from the café into the calm of the morning. Though there were a few ponies out and about, it seemed that most were still in bed at this hour; the streets were nearly deserted. I inquired about this to Joy.

“Where is everypony? Where are all of the shops and such that I saw last night?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Most places don’t open up until about zero eight, save for a few that are open around the clock to cater to the folks at the clinic.”

“Ah, that makes sense. But if nothing opens till eight, then what are we doing out so early?”

“Silly pony. You weren’t paying attention again. I said most don’t open until eight. Certain venues, such as Fleur de Lis for instance, open earlier out of necessity. Like where we are headed now: it opens at zero six.”

“And where are we going, exactly?”

“Our first stop today will be the Library. I believe you might be familiar with the area… it’s where you… ahem… 'touched down'… yesterday.”

At the mention of my dramatic entrance yesterday, my chest gave an involuntary twinge of pain. I would really like to not do that again if I could help it. I gave an unwitting shudder as I relived the horror of freefalling. Who has no thumbs and an unadulterated hatred of the sensation of freefall? This colt.

“Yeah… I’d like to try not to do that again. It was quite painful and an experience that I would like to forget, but on the other hoof, it did have a positive outcome…”

I let my sentence trail off as I cast a glance at the cerulean mare walking next to me, that seemingly ever-present blush manifesting itself on her cheeks again. She was simply too damned cute… it was like a sugar high every time I was near her, but without the crash or the cavities afterward.

A few blocks away, I saw the top of the Library poking out from behind the roof of the house in front of me. We were entering a more sparsely populated area, with more space between each building and the next. One of the buildings we passed struck me as highly familiar, and a cursory inspection revealed why: the building had a sign in the front of it that read “Lyra’s Strings and Things”. We had passed the building the day before on our way to the clinic.

As we entered the clearing around the Library, my eyes spotted something that made my wings itch (a singularly alien sensation, one that I can’t even begin to describe): small splatters of a rust colored substance. I was looking at my own blood from the day before. Of their own volition, my wings began to shift slightly, sending a ripple of pain throughout my chest. I had forgone the gauze bindings on my wings as I returned from my shower, and now I was paying for that bit of overconfidence.

Sure, Joy had told me that I would benefit from wearing them. I, however, am not a clever pony; I decided that it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle, and that I needed to just suck it up and drive on. Why on Equestria I thought I was smart enough to disregard the advice of a medically trained pony based on my own assumptions, I’ll never know.

I ran out of time to consider my own stupidity as we walked onto the stoop of the Library. Without hesitation, Joy pushed the door open and walked in, a small bell chiming to indicate our arrival. The voice of a familiar mare drifted up from somewhere amongst the warren of rooms and alcoves, indicating that she would be with us in a moment. Joy called out for her to take her time, and gestured with a hoof for me to follow as she wandered off into the embrace of the tomes.

Joy was scanning the spines of the books with a concentration and determination that indicated she knew exactly what she was searching for. From elsewhere in the Library, a pair of voices seemed to be engaged in conversation, their banter punctuated at odd intervals by a third, decidedly deeper, voice.

As Joy continued her search, we drew nearer to the source of the conversation, and words began to become discernible.

"… modern Equestrian history…"

"… might be helpful. It was written by a Scoltish fellow, by the name of…"

"… advanced? They are still a bit young, I think…"

"… this one, perhaps… needs better…"

I had been trying to piece the bits of conversation together as they came to me, and with a bit of analysis, I deduced that somepony was trying to gather information on modern Equestrian history, to be presented in some form or another to younger ponies. I was fairly confident in my conclusion, and I was staring at the ground and trying to figure out who would be asking for something like that, as I blindly followed the sound of hooves in front of me.

Without warning, the hooves in front of me had ceased movement, and I registered this in my mind a moment too late. I head butted Joy in her flank, just to the rear of her cutie mark. She managed to retain her balance and shot me an inquisitive look, trying to decide whether it was intentional or if I was just that much of a klutz.

I suppose my dazed look answered her question, and she told me I should watch where I was going. I nodded dumbly, feeling only moderately embarrassed. I mentally shrugged… worse things had happened today. I looked up and saw Joy's blue aura of magic wrapping around a slender book as she relieved it of its location on the shelf.

As it floated down in front of her, I caught a glimpse of the title: "An Idiot's Guide to Ponyville".

Perfect. This fit nicely within my skill range.

Joy seemed to think the same thing as she brandished the cover in my direction with a smile.

"See, Dave? It's like they knew you would need this someday. They even put your name on it!"

She underlined the word "Idiot" with a wide, playful smirk. I clasped a hoof over my heart quite theatrically, and said

"Oh! How you wound me with such names!"

At this, we both shared a hearty chuckle. A chuckle, which was cut short by a comparatively small green and purple dragon, who shushed us with vigor.

Joy and I shared another (albeit much more quiet) chuckle at the sight. As our giddiness died down, Joy took off again in some unknowable direction. The library did not look that large from the outside, but looks can be deceiving. I followed close on her heels so as not to lose her.

As we rounded the corner, Joy nearly collided with another mare coming from the opposite direction. The two mares recoiled as if they were of the same polar charge, narrowly avoiding what would have been a nasty collision. As they stumbled about for a second to regain their footing, I immediately recognized the lavender mare with whom Joy had nearly collided.

It was none other than Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful unicorn in Equestria and the mare that had helped get me to the clinic in my time of need.

Our eyes met, and a flash of recognition passed between us. We both tried to mumble a greeting, stopping each time we heard the other start, and continuing this for several seconds before lapsing into an awkward silence. Joy did us all the favor of breaking the tension and introducing everypony.

"Twilight, this is Dave; the pony you carted to the clinic yesterday. Dave, this is the mare that helped ensure you got the medical attention you deserved."

Twilight and I shared an awkward hoofshake, while Joy introduced another mare that was standing just behind Twilight, in a state of semi-befuddlement.

"Dave, this is Cheerilee; Cheerilee, this is Dave. He's new here, he flew in yesterday."

I traded another awkward hoofshake with the maroon mare, and couldn't help but notice that she smelled of a delightful berry scent.

As the introductions drew to a close, Cheerilee excused herself from our company, leaving the three of us alone. I spoke up first.

"Miss Sparkle, I would like to thank you again for ensuring my safe transport to the clinic. I owe you a debt of gratitude."

At this, Twilight cast her gaze towards the floor, scraping it with a hoof absentmindedly as she replied.

"Oh, it was no trouble really. I was just glad to have been there to help."

Twilight remained focused on the ground, apparently unaccustomed to receiving compliments. Again, it was Nurse Joy to the rescue, breaking the awkward silence by addressing the somewhat rosy-cheeked mare.

"Well… if it isn't too much trouble, Twilight… I would like to check out this book from the library…"

At the mention of something that involved her official duties as librarian, Twilight Sparkle snapped out of her reverie and immediately indicated that we were to follow her, heading directly towards the Library Logbook. Once we had arrived at the main desk, Twilight proceeded to sign the book out to Joy. I took note that the date was March Thirteenth; a Tuesday. At least the week seemed to be structured in the same manner as what I was used to. Thank Celestia for small miracles.

Once the official business was concluded, Twilight and Joy broke off into a separate conversation that was entirely over my head. All I know is that it had something to do with applied magical theory and the healing characteristics of the separate Pony races. Seeing that the conversation was entirely too far above my head to even try and understand, I wandered off, possibly in search of a book.

I had no concrete idea of that I was looking for, and so I ended up browsing the assorted spines of the books aligned ever so neatly on the shelves. A book about griffin culture caught my eye, and I pulled it down to do some light browsing. I felt like I had only been reading for a moment or so before I heard Joy's voice, calling me back. I immediately stopped what I was doing and replaced the book before I headed towards the sound of her voice. I instinctively exclaimed "MOVING!" to indicate that I had heard and was coming back.

When I returned to the reading area near the front desk, I saw that both Twilight and Joy were seated in a reading nook with steaming cups of tea, which they were sipping as they engaged in idle chit chat. There was a third, as yet untouched, cup of tea sitting on the coffee table in front of a corresponding empty chair. Joy gestured that I should take a seat, and so I did.

Initially, the two mares continued their conversation for a bit as if I was not even there. Soon enough, the two mares begin to recall amusing anecdotes of their day to day lives. In due time, Twilight asked me a question.

"So, Dave… Tell us about yourself. Where you're from and things like that."

I cleared my throat, before shooting a glance at Joy. She had asked a similar question the night before, and I had answered it very vaguely, just giving her the name of a place and not the story behind it. Clearing my throat, I addressed the two mares with a rehearsed tone, as if I had actually lived the events I was to describe.

"Well… alright then. I told Joy some of the basics last night, but that was the footnotes version. Here is the abridged version."

"I come to this town from a small griffin colony called Rockledge. It is a small, secluded clan led by a griffin named Steelwing. I was born and raised there, but the details of my childhood are… painful, to say the least. When I came of age, I was recruited into part of the Skyguard, a quasi-military outfit. While in this unit, I was given special training. I lack the claws and talons of a griffin, so I couldn't be a soldier. In lieu of that, I was assigned a special job in the Intelligence field. That's all I can say on that, the details are classified. Where I come from, the names are different, as you may have surmised by now. Not sure where the names come from, but they are usually passed down the generations to pay respect to the ones that came before."

At this time, Joy interjected.

"When I was in high school, I had a few classes with a griffin. He had a few… eccentricities. One thing I learned from him is that, to a griffin, honor is everything. To act without honor is a disgrace, and to dishonor your ancestors meant a swift death at the talons of your clan. And the fact that they eat meat just makes me shiver. I know it is natural and all, but it still makes me queasy…"

I observed the two mares visibly squirming with the discomforting visions they were imagining for a moment before I spoke up.

"Eating meat… it's not so bad once you get used to it. Watching the griffons doing it, that is. It no longer fazed me after a couple years."

I looked up from where my gaze had fallen to, and was greeted by two sets of eyes locked on mine. Nopony spoke for a moment, and my gaze bounded back and forth between them. Again, Joy was the first to speak up.

"Dave… have you… eaten… eaten meat?"

Knowing how this was going to go over, I did my best to explain myself.

"Yes. Yes I have. You have to understand though; it was part of the culture I was raised in. It wasn’t taboo where I was from, it was just natural. It should’ve been an indicator the way some of the adults would egg me on, but I didn't learn that it was wrong for ponies to eat meat until much later in life. It was also a part of my initiation into the Guard, but that's all I'll say on that matter."

As I concluded my tale, the two mares stared at me with a mixture of horror and fascination. With every fiber of my being, I wished them not to ask me whether or not I still ate it or craved it. While I could lie my way out of it, I could not trust my stomach not to betray me.

As the uncomfortable silence stretched on into eternity, I could see that Joy was looking rather pale, and wondered if I would be mopping in the near future. Thankfully, Twilight diverted the conversation onto a less… sensitive subject.

"So… how did you end up in Ponyville? Is it some mission from the griffins?"

I paused briefly to consider my response, and I decided to tell the truth, while altering critical facts to ensure that my story would be seamless.

"Well… there is no simple answer. No, I am not on a mission from the griffins. As for the rest of the question, it is a long, sad, and complicated story… the short version is that circumstances conspired so that it was in my best interest to leave. I left the clan of my own volition and on amicable terms. Even so, I know I'll never be able to return. I struck out with no destination, no family, no friends, and only what I could fly with. And eventually, I came upon Ponyville… and you know the rest from there."

Joy shot me a glance that said "we will talk about this later", and Twilight changed the subject again.

"If you don't mind me asking, what are your plans for the rest of the day?"

This time, it was Joy who answered. "Well, we were going to sightsee along the way to the Boutique, go by the market and grab a bite to eat, and then go to Sugarcube Corner for dessert."

"Sounds like you have a full day ahead of you… you should enjoy it. If there is anything you need from me, just let me know and I'll do whatever I can for you."

Twilight was looking at me as she spoke, clearly addressing me with her offer for assistance. I thanked her for the offer, and I assured her that I would come to her should I need her services. Thus satisfied, Twilight turned back to Joy, and they once again struck up a bit of girl chat that I was excluded from, though it suited me just fine. I finally had a moment to think, and my mind was racing. I grabbed the cup of tea (a feat that is unbelievably more difficult than it sounds, because of the hooves and all) and sipped it as I drifted off into my own thoughts.

Despite myself, I found myself caught up in the conversation of the two mares, sipping this delicious cup of tea as they traded bits of gossip back and forth. From what I'd gathered, the Great and Powerful Trixie had moved on to Manehattan, where she was experiencing a run of luck far better than she’d had in Ponyville. The mysterious musician named DJ PON3 was a huge hit in Fillydelphia, her record sales going through the roof. There was a rumor floating around that a certain affluent musician was in a controversial relationship with another mare, though there was no evidence to support it.

All of these things and more were whispered back and forth in hushed tones at the two mares shared the gossip they had collected in the course of their day-to-day jobs. I wasn't sure how much of it could be trusted, which sources had been vetted and whatnot, but overall I had the sense that most of what was said was true.

I was content to sit and listen in on the "Bridle Gossip" as it was traded back and forth amongst the two mares… that is, until a certain colorful pegasus pony's… preferences came into question. As soon as the subject was broached, I interrupted, perhaps a bit more forcefully than I'd meant to.

"What does it matter? Who are we to say what is right and wrong when it comes to love? Goddesses know it is hard enough to find someone who you want to annoy for the rest of your life. What does it matter if they have the same gear as you do? Who are we to judge the love of others?"

In the wake of my outburst, the mares were silent. They seemed to be contemplating the implications of what I'd said before responding. The awkward silence lasted a bit longer than I had anticipated, but in the end it was again Joy who broke the silence.

"You know… you're right. What does it matter where you found love, as long as you've found it?"

To this, the three of us nodded in consent. There was nothing wrong with loving another of the same sex, as long as it was truly love that brought these ponies together.

The conversation wore on, and before anypony knew it, it was past ten-thirty. Joy happened to glance at the clock on the wall before exclaiming about the lateness of the hour. She quickly explained to Twilight that we really should be going because she was supposed to be giving me a tour of Ponyville, and the lavender mare waved us off without a second thought.

"As long as you come back to visit sometime soon, I won't hold it against you," she called to us as we made for the door.

Our next stop: the Boutique. As we were threading our way through the streets that had somehow become quite populated by the pastel pony populace of Ponyville, I caught sight of a trio of fillies running helter skelter, gallivanting recklessly through the crowded streets.

As they ducked around the corner, I dawned on me that I had just seen the Cutie Mark Crusaders on what must have been another of their well-natured, but ill-conceived ventures to acquire their cutie marks. I smiled a bit inside as we began to draw near the market center, a place that was impossibly crowded, or so it seemed.

I was wondering what we might do in the afternoon; perhaps have a picnic in one of the numerous fields around the town, when my vision was dominated by an incredibly bright shade of pink. Even as I tried to wrap my mind around the sheer absurdity of the hue, the impossibly tinted pony addressed me.

"Hey! I don't recognize you! You must be new here. My name is Pinkie Pie, and this calls for a PARTY!"

Pinkie paused for a moment to stroke her chin thoughtfully, before inhaling quite deeply and disappearing in a blur. Seriously, that was it. I never even saw her move, one second she was there and the next she was a streak of pink towards the horizon. Blinking in shock, I stood for a moment trying to piece together what had happened. Joy simply smirked at my befuddlement, having grown accustomed to the antics of the pink pony a long time ago.

"One never really gets used to Pinkie Pie… you just learn to accept whatever she does and not question it or think about it too deeply. You'll have fewer headaches that way."

"But… how did she… she was here and then… whoosh, gone! It's not possible to move that fast… I mean, there's no way… ugh, my head is hurting…"

"Told you so." joy intoned smugly.

I shot Joy a dirty look, at which she simply chuckled… I was going to have to practice my "Death Glare" in the mirror tonight… alongside the headache, I felt something else… could it be disappointment? Yes, I do believe it was. I suppose I was hoping for a bit more involved first contact with the overzealous mare, but at the same time I realized that I really should have expected as much from Pinkie, shrugging it off to think about later.

As we walked through the streets, I kept looking around for ponies I recognized. I recognized a few that I could not name, but most of them I could. I picked out Carrot Top and Mrs. Cake having a conversation near one of the stalls, and on the other side of the plaza I could see Applejack deeply involved in a bartering contest with a customer.

As much as I wanted to go over there and engage her somehow, I knew that I had no real basis for it, and it would only bring up questions I'd rather not answer. Questions like "Why are you running across the plaza?", "How do you know Applejack?", and things like that. Better to just keep calm and canter on, and besides: I had a pretty good feeling that I would be meeting the rest of the mane six sooner or later anyways.

We crossed a narrow bridge over a stream as we passed through what could be considered "Downtown Ponyville", taking a small detour from our planned route to check out the Ponyville town hall. Joy informed me that while it was unlikely we would get into the building proper without an appointment, the area just past the main doors was a mini-museum, showcasing some artifacts from Ponyville's past.

We stepped through the doors into a brightly lit reception area, rimmed around the edges with small glass display cases. We made our way around to them one by one, and each contained a small bit of the past, with a note alongside it that explained its historical significance.

There was a horseshoe from the first pony to set foot on the ground that this very hall had been built upon, the omega shaped chunk of iron heavily dented and scuffed by years of hard work.

A hammer, a chisel, some nails, and a framing square from one of the carpenters that had helped build more than half of the oldest buildings in Ponyville, the town hall included.

A tattered, brown piece of paper with writing faded from age. This was a map of the beginnings of Ponyville, and compared to the more modern map in the book Joy had checked out, clearly illustrated how much the town had grown in the time since its establishment.

All of the items represented a snapshot in time of the growth of the town, from the very first settler to set hoof in what would become the town center, all the way to a scale model of the town as it sat today. In this way the town's history made Ponyville seem like a living thing, allowing one to follow its growth from a single, tiny seed into a blossoming community, thriving in its own special way.

Joy and I concluded our self-guided tour, and I walked out of the town hall with a distinct feeling of awe at the structures before me. Each building seemed to be revealed to me for the first time in the light of my newfound knowledge.

It was the subtle signs that gave away the toil that had shaped this town from the land around it, whether it was the still-visible strokes of an axe that had felled an ancient beam for the corner post in a building, or the chisel marks that adorned the few stone statues that dotted the town. It inspired in me a respect for the ponies that had the fortitude and skill to craft this town from raw materials and nurture it to its current prosperity.

Joy seemed to have been affected to a much slighter degree, most likely due to having already known the story of Ponyville's founding. Even so, she left me in silence to wonder at the structures around me for a good while as we meandered through the town. Soon though, her desire for conversation overruled her desire to afford me silence, and we once again struck up a conversation. Well, we tried to at least.

Since my mind was still wrapped around the fact that ponies had built this town with nothing but their hooves, blood, sweat, and tears, it was all I could talk about. It was "Did you ever notice the scalloping the axe made in this timber?" this, and "I wonder how they moved that huge chunk of stone all the way here" that. I felt like a kid again for a moment, lost in the wonder of the small things we take for granted every day.

Thankfully, Joy's desire for conversation that I couldn't provide was sated by a pale yellow mare with a pink and navy bicolor mane. As soon as Joy spotted her, her blue eyes lit up with a nostalgic gleam as she called out to the mare. "Bonnie!"

At this, the mare looked around angrily for the pony that had called her out by her nickname. As soon as her eyes locked on the joyous cerulean mare that was approaching her, her expression melted to one of delight as she called out to Joy. "Colgate!"

I did a double take. Colgate? Wait… I thought her name was Joy… and then it hit me. I was an idiot. No, not that… I already knew that. What hit me was that I was familiar with a pony called Colgate… at least the fandom version, anyways. As I looked at Joy, I couldn't believe it had escaped me for so long. The blue eyes, the cerulean coat, the blue and white mane, and that dazzling smile… Sonofa bitch, I'm dense sometimes.

My only alibi was that when I first met her, I was in the throes of pain-induced delirium, and I had taken her name at face value; I had not tried to assign any sort of fandom name to her. But still… it had been staring me in the face this whole damned time and I’d missed it. I decided to contemplate the exact magnitude of my inattention at a later time as the mares joined in a full on hug. The sight of the two of them standing on their back legs only, with their arms wrapped around each other caused me to stop short.

How the hell were they doing that? I experimentally tried to rise up on my back legs and stay there, only to end up landing quite forcefully on my rump. Luckily, nopony seemed to have noticed my display of physical prowess, and I stood up and dusted off before anypony saw me.

The embrace I had tried to emulate broke apart in front of me, and the two mares began to catch up on each other's lives since the last time they met. As I was staring vacantly into the distance as I stood by Joy, I was jarred back to the scene in front of me by somepony calling out my name.

"Dave!" I shook my head and blinked away my confusion, focusing on Joy. "About time you woke up, crazy. I was trying to introduce you to my best gal-pal Bonnie, but you were checked out pretty good. Are you back with us now?"

I chuckled a bit and rubbed the back of my neck as I replied. "Sorry 'bout that… I do that from time to time. But yeah, I'm back."

I extended my hoof towards the other mare, who was still chuckling slightly at the previous exchange. "How do you do, Miss. My name is Dave."

She returned the hoofshake with a smirk as she replied. "Your name is Dave, you say? I couldn't tell, what with Joy here practically yelling it a couple times and all."

I might have been a bit offended by the unsolicited sarcasm if it wasn't for the fact that there was no malice behind it, only a playful jeer. Instead, I chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I set myself up for that. Touché, Bonnie."

At this, Bonbon's features hardened into a mock-serious scowl. "Dave, are you a mare?"

I tapped my chin pensively. "Hmmm… not the last time I checked. Why?"

"Well, I only let cute mares call me that. And while you are plenty cute, you've got incompatible equipment. Everypony else just calls me Bonbon."

I chuckled a bit at the directness of this mare. She didn't beat around the bush, and that was a quality that I could appreciate. "Thank you for the compliment, and I'll keep that in mind, Bonbon."

I turned to Joy with a cocky smirk. "I like this mare. Where did you find her?"

To my tremendous amusement, Joy's face did some expression-gymnastics, going from shocked to jealous to smiling in a matter of a few seconds. I wished I had a .gif of that… I could watch it anytime I was having a bad day. As Joy registered that it was a joke and I wasn't
actually hitting on this other mare right in front of her, she chuckled and replied.

"Bonnie and I went to school together, and we ended up becoming really good friends within the first week."

Bonbon interrupted suddenly, moving closer to Joy and throwing an arm over her. "Yeah, Dave. We are friends… really good friends, if you catch my drift…"

At this, I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the ground. However, based on the way that Joy turned beet red and was regarding Bonbon (who was now laughing hysterically) with unabashed confusion, I concluded that I had been gotten.

Again.

Dammit.

"Well played, Bonbon. Well played indeed."

Pending a moment of silence as she regained her wit, Joy began to stammer something along the lines of 'I expected as much from him, but YOU Bonnie? Really?' or something of the sort. It was kinda difficult to understand, what with the stammering and all, but you get the gist.

As was becoming the norm, Joy and insert-current-pony’s-name-here broke off into a conversation that essentially excluded me, though not by design. Since I was not yet involved in their conversation, I took it upon myself to at least try to learn as much as I could about the two of them by interjecting random questions. Doing so, I discovered that Joy and Bonbon have known each other since they were fillies in Cheerilee’s class.

When I asked them where the nickname Colgate had come from, they both shrugged and mumbled something about hair… when I pressed for details, I was informed that they really don’t quite remember how exactly it was that the name had come around, but once it did, it stuck.

My questions seemed to remind them that there was another pony there with them, and they began to return some questions of their own. As I explained for what felt like the tenth time how I came to Ponyville, Bonbon’s eyes narrowed as I mentioned Lyra, and she cut me off with a question.

“So, you met Lyra already? And how did that go?”

“Well, I had just narrowly avoided falling to my death by inflicting rather serious damage to myself, and was a bit out of my skull with the pain and all. All things considered, it went pretty well. Then she helped get me into a cart and over to the clinic.”

“That’s all?”

Bonbon’s tone was decidedly less friendly than it had been a moment ago… it seemed… protective, almost. The voice she was using reminded me of a father grilling his daughter’s boyfriend after they came home late from the movies. Though it perplexed me a bit, I figured I would find out what this was all about sooner or later. Things have a way of revealing themselves like that, as long as you have the patience and could pay attention to the details.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Like I said, I was pretty shaken up from the landing, and I was in no condition to hold a conversation. Aside from that, everything is a bit… fuzzy.”

Bonbon nodded her head, seeming to accept this answer. And just like that, she was back to her normal self, as if that whole tense exchange had never happened. I swear I was going to get mental whiplash if things kept up at this rate.

The mares exchanged a few more stories and such that I was happy to keep my nose out of, when Bonbon said she had to get back to her shop to catch the lunch rush. As I should have guessed, Bonbon owned a sweets shop appropriately named “Bonbons”. With a lascivious wink, she invited Joy to come by sometime to sample her “sweets”, an invitation that the cerulean mare answered with a noncommittal “Maybe… we’ll see” as they parted ways.

As soon as we were out of earshot, I turned to Joy. “Was she serious with that “sweets” comment? I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not…”

Joy simply chuckled a bit, as if to say ‘You’re new here, aren’t you…’ before she replied. “I keep forgetting that you're new here.”

I freaking nailed it. Sometimes I’m so good, it’s scary. Other times (most of the time), not so much. Joy continued, oblivious to my self-congratulatory internal monologue.

“Bonbon is very sweet and sometimes she can seem very… forward… but that is just the way she is. She and Lyra are in a committed relationship. It’s no secret around here, but you wouldn’t know it, seeing as how you just got here. Though she seems to flirt with every mare she meets, everypony knows she would never do anything to hurt Lyra. The flirtiness is just who she is.”

Remember that thing I said earlier, about how I would probably figure it out sooner or later? Chalk another win up for this guy. I was on fire today. I almost didn’t know what to do with myself and this feeling of win. Hell, if I kept this up and had something like a good idea, I’m not sure how I would survive the sudden overflow of win.

Blinded by the glare of my own perceived glory, I walked into a low-hanging sign advertising one of the various market stalls. The glare from my glory was instantly replaced by stars as my vision blurred from the pain. Dammit that hurt… Joy must have heard the bonk sound my head made upon collision, and I could hear her barely restrained giggles as she asked if I was alright.

"Yeah, just bumped my head. Good thing it's so thick… otherwise it might have hurt" I said, as I rubbed the offending spot while blinking away tears of pain. MANLY tears of pain, that is. Tears composed of pure testosterone… et cetera, et cetera. Joy chuckled despite herself, to which I responded with a dirty look, trying to look fierce with one eye leaking testosterone and the other covered by my hoof as I massaged my skull. Seeing that it had legitimately hurt (like a sonofa bitch, might I add), Joy offered her condolences.

"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

My hoof fell away from my head as I just stared dumbly. Did she really just ask that? Had a trained nurse just offered to kiss my boo-boo? Even as I opened my mouth to spout a witty comeback, Joy leaned in and pecked the injury before I could block. Even as I was trying to back away from the pain I knew would follow, her lips made contact. My replied died in my throat as I tried to speak.

"No, DO-" *smooch* "… huh. I'll be damned… it worked."

And it had. The roiling knot of agony that had once been my frontal lobe was immediately soothed by a cool, tingly sensation. Must have been some unicorn voodoo-witchcraft-magic… there is no way that a kiss could do that. Joy must have read my expression, for she immediately offered an explanation.

"It's one of my healing spells that I use on foals that come to the clinic. It is essentially a fast acting, topical anesthetic of magic goodness. It is my favorite spell of all… I love the way their little faces light up in wonder when I do it."

As she explained her spell, Joy's face became a dreamy mask of serenity. It was almost painfully obvious that this mare was incredibly fond of children. I told her as much…

"Joy… if I'm not mistaken, and I don't think I am… based on a careful analysis of your tactics, techniques, and procedures, coupled with historical data from several sources… I'd say you like foals."

Joy broke out of her trance when I called her name, a confused expression growing on her face as I kept saying all these words that didn’t make sense to her. I finished talking, but she still stood there and stared into the middle-distance for a good three seconds before what I had said finally clicked. First, her bright blue eyes widened in comprehension, and then they were smothered under her hoof as she groaned at my stupidity and facehoofed loudly.

I replied with an innocent smirk.

"That looks like it hurt. Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

Joy glared at me for a moment for stealing her prized spell before she remembered that I was a pegasus, and possessed no magical ability. Then she made a horrible miscalculation: She tried to call my bluff.

"Hmm… Actually, yes. Yes I would."

She closed her eyes and leaned in a bit as she tilted her head down slightly, presenting her injured forehead to my ministrations. I leaned in gently; taking a long, slow whiff of her mane… it smelled incredibly minty. This was actually not surprising at all, somehow. As I drew to approximately a hoof's length from her forehead, I exhaled deeply and sensually, causing the mare to tremble slightly.

And then I planted a huge, sloppy, wet kiss on her forehead, slobbering all over her.

I drew my head back just in time to watch her expression change as everything registered.

Both of her eyes popped wide open in shock, as she felt the sudden wetness on her forehead.

Her left eye was undergoing some strange spasm; her lower eyelid was bouncing up and down like a cracked-out rabbit.

Both pupils narrowed to pinpricks as she slowly reached a hoof up to her face, dabbing at the wetness. She pulled her hoof away from her face, the dampness evident. Her eyes focused on the offending appendage before fixing their gaze on me.

At this point, I was reconsidering the wisdom of my actions.

"You." Joy nearly growled the word, and I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Me." Oh, this conversation was going to be gold.

"You… you… you are so… "

"Adorable? Handsome? Intelligent?" I offered.

Okay, the last one was a stretch, even for me.

"You are so… NASTY! Ewewewewewewewwwww!"

Internally I took a moment to be thankful for not receiving any further injuries, but outwardly I was laughing my ASS off.

Joy, momentarily forgetting that she had magic and could probably just wipe the stuff off, proceeded to use the side of her hoof to try and wipe herself down. She succeeded only in spreading it around even worse.

"YOU."

Joy's authoritive tone made me stop in mid-guffaw, taken slightly aback by the unexpected outburst. I remained silent as I met her glare. She pointed to her forehead with a hoof.

"Fix it."

"Heh… alright, I suppose I've had my fun."

I reached into my saddlebag and retrieved a napkin that had been stashed in there at some point. I gently dabbed at her forehead, cleaning it of all of the offending fluid. While I was at work, Joy complained under her breath.

"You… you are just… evil. EEEEVVVIIIILLLL."

"I'm not evil, Joy. I might not be good, or very nice, but I'm certainly not evil."

Joy narrowed her eyes to a squint and regarded me with a frosty glare. At least, she tried to… as I've said before; this mare was too damned cute for her own good.

"EEEVVVIILLLLLLLLLLLLL."

I couldn't help but chuckle as I finished dabbing off her forehead. Her response was a swift hoof upside my head, though not with the intent to injure. She still held her adorable death-glare as she quietly spoke up.

"Colts are so nasty… bleh."

She made a face miming somepony throwing up, I couldn't help laughing again. Through my chuckles I managed to ask her a simple question.

"You've gotta admit, that was funny."

"Evil."

I chuckled again, and she turned abruptly and began to walk away. I trotted to catch up to her, staying a bit behind and to the side of her so as not to incur more of her adorable fury. Even so, from my oblique vantage point I could see the small smile painted on her features. Grinning to myself, I kept my place as we threaded through the market place.

After a dizzying series of twists and turns, we emerged from around a corner to the majesty of the Boutique, illuminated as it was by the noonday sun. It seemed to shimmer in its regal magnificence; I could imagine Princess Celestia coming to this place to commission a dress for the Gala.

As Joy came upon the door she stopped short, seemingly frozen to the spot. At first I thought she might be nervous or something like that, and then I'd considered that it might be some sort of paralysis-magic-trap. My fanciful imaginings were shattered by a simple fact: there was a note on the door, and Joy was reading it. Well, there go my conspiracy theories. Drat.

"Well, shoot."

At this little exclamation of hers, I couldn't help but sport a grin as I asked Joy what was wrong.

"She's not here. She had to go to the school to pick up her sister Sweetie Belle from…"

Joy paused as she referenced the note for the exact wording.

"From 'another of her fruitless crusades to earn her cutie mark.' Dang… I really wanted you to meet her. I'm not sure why, but I keep picturing you in a top hat, and it makes me chuckle each time." As if to prove this, her eyes went misty for a moment before she giggled, apparently unaware of it. As her eyes refocused, she blushed slightly and pawed the ground. "Heh… I told you so…"

"Has anypony ever told you that you are too darned cute for your own good?" Joy blushed deeper, slowly shook her head and tried not to smile. "Well, you are."

Joy, whether she knew it or not, shot me a puppy dog look so damned cute I might have gotten terminal Diabeetus from it. "Careful where you point those things… my withered, miserable heart can't handle all of this cute at once… I might have a heart attack if you look at me like that again."

Joy looked at the ground and then back at me, having turned the cute up to eleven. I clutched my chest quite dramatically as I rose on my back hooves, and then fell over as if dead. The impact with the ground hurt like hell, but I hid the pain as I opened one eye a bit to watch her reaction.

Her puppy eyes had melted away, replaced by the "eyes wide open and pinprick pupils" look. I swear, she looked like she was actually trying to remember if it was possible to have a heart attack from cute overload. I couldn't fight it anymore and I burst out laughing, startling the mare quite severely. She jumped about a kilometer and let out the most adorable little "Eeep!" you've ever heard.

I couldn't stop myself; I laughed so hard it hurt, so hard it brought tears to my eyes.

Man, all of this comedy was doing a number on my lungs and chest, both of which burned like fire by the time I had gotten myself under control. As I rolled off of my back and into a sitting position, the last of my guffaws was cut short by a strangled groan of pain.

My injured torso was in no mood for my shenanigans, and it was not shy about informing me either. Previous buffoonery aside, Joy could see that I was in pain and once again fetched my pain medication from my saddle bags. At least giving me the courtesy of opening my own mouth, Joy instructed me to say "Ah".

"Wha-" *gulp*

As I tried to question what I needed to do that for, I had a pair of tablets popped unceremoniously into my mouth, which I reflexively swallowed. Well… that answered that. After another moment or so, the pain ebbed away and I stood up again.

After assuring Joy that I was fine, I addressed the issue at hand. Rather, at hoof. "So… what now?"

"Hmm… I'm not sure. I was expecting to be here with Rarity for at least an hour… this throws off the schedule a bit."

I cocked my head, looking remarkably similar to a confused puppy. "There was a schedule?"

Joy rolled her eyes. "Of course there was a schedule. I wanted to make sure that we had enough time to cover the main points of the town and still get back home in time for me to get ready for my shift."

Oh, right. I had forgotten that she had to work this evening. Everything made a lot more sense now. "Ah, I see. When is lunch?"

A small notepad ensconced in blue floated out of some unknown place, coming to rest in front of Joy's face, where it was consulted. "It was supposed to be right after the Boutique, we were going to grab a quick bite back at the market."

I shrugged a bit. "Well… I'm a bit peckish right now. So as to not throw off your schedule, what say you to a long lunch? Perhaps a picnic in the glen?"

At the mention of a picnic, Joy's eyes grew quite round with joy. I tried not to think about the way they did that… seemed less likely to cause a headache that way.

After a short jaunt back to the market, we were loaded up with a couple daisy and tomato sandwiches and a few ripe apples. And no, of course I wouldn't get to use this perfect opportunity to converse with another of the mane six.

Nope, I was far happier to hold Joy's place in the sandwich line as she went from shop to shop, gathering various odds and ends. I had just concluded paying for the aforementioned sandwiches and had turned around to rejoin Joy when I saw her cantering back, a bag of apples floating in tow.

Dammit. I forced a smile as she returned, not wanting my disappointment to spoil the moment. After all, Applejack would be there another time and I could just pop by for a visit later. My disappointment was quickly washed away by the prospect of a nice lunch with a beautiful mare.

Nope, I was not about to contemplate the implications of an attraction to this mare: that was a problem for Future Dave to figure out. In the meantime, I enjoyed the smell of the grass that was carried on the breeze, drinking in the warm sunlight as if I had just crawled from a cave.

The day was perfectly temperate, most likely in the mid twenties. There was a cooling breeze that gently caressed my mane; the sky was mostly clear, save for some scattered clouds. In short, it was the ideal conditions for a picnic. As we exited the sprawl of Ponyville, we crossed over a small, crystal clear stream by way of a stone bridge. The only thing that lay between us and the picnic was a meandering gravel path, and again I could not suppress a smile.

That moment, right there and then, was about as close to heaven as I was thought I'd ever get, and I was going to enjoy it for all it was worth.

Ahead in the distance, the rolling green hills beckoned.

Author's Notes:

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Once again, I owe tremendous thanks to Pacific Penguin for his services as an Editor-in-(Master)Chief. Without his tireless dedication, this chapter would look...pretty much the same, but with a LOT more italics, and a good many little mistakes that would have made it much less interesting to read.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, please rate it if you like it, and comment if you find something we missed. Feedback is ALWAYS appreciated.

Last updated 22 NOV 15

3: The Picnic

After a bit of meandering, Joy and I approached a large oak tree overlooking a broad valley. I cast a glance at Joy, our eyes met, and the site was decided upon. In the shade of the ancient tree, we carefully unload the contents of our assorted bags, taking a moment to revel in the feeling of freedom as we laid down our burden.

From the depths of one of the various bags, Joy extracted a rather large red and white checkered blanket. With a flourish of magic, she spread the sheet out on the ground and somehow enticed it to lie down perfectly flat.

Not even a wrinkle.

I took a moment to lament that never, in this life or any other, would I possess the skills to do such a thing.

Dang unicorns and their cheating magic…

I couldn't even try to remain bitter as the feast was laid out before us. In lieu of what most would consider "traditional" picnic fare, we had settled for sandwiches and a variety of hoof foods. This way, we didn't need any utensils to eat with (a feat I had yet to attempt and was loathe to try) and needed no special preparation for consumption. My mouth began to water as I gazed out onto the array that was laid out before us. Joy and I took our respective positions on either side of the blanket, and with a consenting nod we both began to eat.

And by "began to eat" I mean she stared on in awe and revulsion as my sandwich disappeared with a swiftness that even Pinkie would approve of. No, this was not a supernatural ability I had acquired since landing in Equestria. It was a skill I’d gained in basic and had honed through years of practice. As I was absentmindedly rubbing my contented stomach, I happened to catch a glance at the mare sitting across from me. Luckily, she was outside of the "splash zone" and was thus untouched by flying condiments and the like. This, however, did nothing to change her expression from that of intrigued disgust… not unlike one who was watching a particularly gnarly bug crawling on a branch.

Wiping my mouth with the back of my hoof, I raised one eyebrow inquisitively. Closing her mouth and shaking her head to get her thoughts back in order, she addressed me. "Dave… did you even chew that?"

I cocked my head a bit. "Huh? Nah. Eat now, taste it later. In training, if you don't eat fast, you don't eat. I guess I was a bit hungrier than I thought… " I said, blushing slightly.

I swear, Joy could have made a killing as an impressionist. First, there was her incredible rendition of a tomato, and now she was pulling off an impeccable mimicry of a gold fish. Wide, vacant eyes; gaping mouth, opening and closing slowly; the way she just sat there, unmoving… spot on, let me tell you.

She shook her head again, apparently trying to shake the mental image out of her head. It seemed that she succeeded, for she was once again minding her sandwich. This suited me just fine, and I picked up an apple and bit into it absentmindedly. As the first splash of juice assaulted my palette, I froze instantly.

This… this couldn’t be real. There simply was no way anything could taste so… crisp, so delicious. It was overwhelming. Perhaps it could be attributed to my more sensitive pony-palette, or perhaps the apple was truly that amazingly delectable? It mattered not; the experience was transcendent to say the least.

For the second time in as many minutes, I became aware of Joy staring at me. I was barely aware of this until she called out to me, rousing me from my food-fueled bliss. "Dave? Why… why are you crying?"

"Whmph? Um numph cryinmph." Dammit. Swallow, then talk. Why was this so difficult to remember? Swallowing hard, I addressed the mare again. "I said, I'm not crying. This is just… the best apple I've ever had. And I've got something in my eye… "

Joy was unconvinced, but she let it slide. I continued to eat the apple in a dreamy silence. Every now and again, one of us would catch the other staring and smile slightly as we turned away. We passed a good while in this comfortable silence. Soon though, the sun had shifted and the shadow in which I had been sheltering eroded, leaving my position untenable. I stood up without a word and took my place next to Joy. We sat together in the shade, so close that our flanks were touching; neither of us minded. Before long, we began a game of trying to pick shapes out of the clouds as they drifted past.

From the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a Technicolor streak as it rapidly approached a cloud, before suddenly decelerating to land on the cottony surface with surprising grace. I was going to remark on the sight, but Joy called out the shape of another cloud and I realized that I was the only one to have seen Dash. For a reason I couldn't define, this made the whole thing special, as if it was just between Dash and me.

As we discussed whether a cloud was shaped more like a filly or a colt, we somehow got onto the topic of baby names. I was partial to James, but Joy said you couldn't pick these things out ahead of time. I disagreed… after all, you can't go wrong with a name like Hope, now can you?

Joy opened her mouth to reply, but she seemed unable to come up with a valid rebuttal. She closed her mouth and narrowed her eyes in an expression that seemed to say "Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you…” to which I simply smirked.

And right about then, it hit me. Maybe it was the way the sunlight was filtering through the foliage, dappling her entire form in soft, ever-shifting patterns of sunlight. Her eyes sparkled in the soft light, and the breeze gently tousled her hair. This mare was simply gorgeous; there were no two ways about it. As I was simply awestruck by her beauty, I felt something stirring in my chest, a sensation I had not experienced in some time. This sensation frightened me on some level, as it indicated that my involvement in this whole experience was about to get far more complicated.

It struck home at that moment that I had forgone the notion that this was just a hallucination. I realized that I’d actually let the notion fade away over the course of the day. Only in the revelation of these feelings that I had just let come to light had it really struck home. In admitting that I might feel any form of emotion towards the members of this "dream", I had on some level validated its reality.

I was jarred from my introspection by Joy calling my name. "Dave?" I shook my head to clear it and focused on the mare who had addressed me. "You didn't hear a word I said, did you."

I shook my head again. "Not a one. What's up?"

A bit slowly, as if dealing with a child, she repeated herself. "I said, 'it's getting late, we should head back now'."

I looked up, and indeed it had gotten a bit later in the day. The sun was working its way towards the horizon, and even without checking my watch I could tell that we had to get going if she was going to get to work on time. We packed up quickly and set off towards the house. The journey home was passed in nearly unremitting silence, though not an uncomfortable one. I was lost in thought, and Joy just seemed to be enjoying my presence.

Soon enough, we arrived back at Casa Redheart, whereupon Joy swiftly disappeared from my side. Her presence was betrayed by the sound of running water however, and I was pretty occupied trying to wrap my head around all that I was feeling. On some level, there was a distinct panic and discomfort at being stranded in this place, so far from everything I'd ever known. This, however, was far and away overwhelmed by these strange new feelings growing in my chest, the feelings of desire and longing.

I had almost forgotten what it was like to feel much of anything. Sure, this would be the perfect time to point out that I was married, had a wife and son, and should obviously have felt pretty strongly about them. To be fair, you’re right, I should have. Whether or not I did feel something, and whether or not I felt it as strongly as I should have, is another matter entirely; a matter which would take entirely too much time and effort to properly convey the nuances of, and which will subsequently not be spoken about.

I felt as if I was emerging from a long sleep, rubbing my eyes in the glorious light of the new day; the dull dreams I had dreamt were being washed away in the light of the dawn. For me, Joy was the dawn. I was pretty sure she felt the same way about me, though likely not for the same reasons. In the end, she liked me and I liked her. I may not have dated for a good while, but I was pretty sure that's how these things worked.

The sounds of running water coming from upstairs ceased, snapping me out of my day dreaming. I took a seat on the couch and began to unpack the assorted debris that had accumulated in my bags. I had barely opened the first one and pulled out a book when Joy came around the corner.

She regarded my activities with a wary eye for a moment before she addressed me. "So Dave, you were looking for ways to help out, right?"

I looked up from the growing pile of debris in front of me, intrigued. "Yeah. What do you have in mind?"

She shuffled her hooves, a motion that I found adorable. "Well, that depends. How much pride do you have?"

Adopting a softer version of the Royal Canterlot Voice and puffing out my chest imperiously, I replied haughtily. "Pride? What is this ‘pride’ of which thou speaketh? It sounds like one of those made up words, like ‘dignity’ or ‘shame’. I know not the meaning of these words."

Joy stared at me for a moment as she considered whether or not I was serious before shaking her head and carrying on. "Well… alright then. I might be able to get you a job at the clinic as a janitor, as long as you don't mind… well, being a janitor."

I smiled, waving a dismissing hoof. "My dear, you are looking at it wrong. I would not be a lowly janitor. No, I would be an esteemed sanitation engineer. It's all in how you look at it. Plus, perhaps we could spend more time together this way."

Smooth, dude. Go ahead; show the nice mare how creepy and clingy you are. That bodes well for this whole deal.

Despite my initial fears of appearing too clingy, Joy veritably glowed as she contemplated spending more time with me.

Well… that went better than expected. I would have to try to contain my excitement though. After all, there was still no guarantee that I would get the job. Joy came up and gave me a hug before she left, reminding me to take my medication and to try not to break anything.

As I turned to walk away with my head held high in an imperious fashion, as if to say "perish the thought," I bumped into the end table, sending the lamp on it careening towards the ground. A minty blue glow enveloped the device just before it smashed on the floor, levitating it back to its rightful place. My ears drooped as did my head, and I turned towards Joy and shot her a sheepish smile. Everything about her, from the way she stood with her head cocked to the side to the expression on her face seemed to scream "told you so".

Instead of rubbing it in, she simply said "Be careful, Dave. Alright?"

Blushing brightly, I still managed to be snarky. "Yes, ma'am."

She rolled her eyes with a smile as she turned towards the door. "Don't stay up too late. You should rest and give your injuries time to heal. I'll see you when my shift is over."

"Yes, mom" I teased her, as she walked out the door. I took pride in the exasperated sigh I got from her as the door closed behind her with a soft thud. I had unconsciously followed her to the door, having become accustomed to shadowing her wherever she went in the day or so that I had been here.

In the wake of her absence, I suddenly felt quite alone. I think this was the first time since I had arrived that I was not in the immediate vicinity of at least one other pony, and it was a bit nerve wracking for the first few minutes. After my initial anxiety had worn away, I settled back down to the couch and began to unpack my saddlebags.

What the hell were these things made from?

I reached into one, and every time I did, there was something else to pull out. I was shoulder deep in this damned thing! Some sort of wormhole or quantum storage matrix… this was ridiculous. I filed that one away for things that future Dave would have to think about. Nevertheless, I soon had an immense pile of garbage and assorted detritus in front of me.

I ended up consigning most of it to the garbage, but I kept the things that seemed pertinent. Remembering the book that Joy had checked out for me earlier, I grabbed a pencil and a sheet of mostly blank paper and began to sketch out a map of the town, referencing where I had been and what I remembered against the map in the book.

In short order, I had compiled all of my (insubstantial) knowledge into the map, finally getting a rough idea of the town's layout in my head. In Ponyville, there were a few landmarks that should be easy enough to pick out from damn near anywhere in the town.

By memorizing the relative position of the landmarks to each other and within the town itself, I could use the location of the two known points to figure out where I was at any given time. The process of determining your current location by using the position of two known points and their orientation relative to you is a concept known as resection, and it is pretty handy to know. Who says the army doesn't teach you anything useful?

I was just adding some finishing touches to the map when I heard the front door open and close softly. I looked at my watch and noted that it was only seventeen-thirty. Joy had only left an hour or so ago, she shouldn't be back so soon. Intrigued, I got off the couch to investigate the entryway. As I poked my head around the corner, I nearly collided with an alabaster mare and both of us froze in place for a moment; she, out of fright; myself, out of a desire not to spook her further.

After a moment of tense silence, she exhaled deeply, prompting me to do the same. She contemplated me calmly for a moment before she spoke up. "You must be Dave. Joy told me to expect you."

I threw on my best smile. "And you must forgive me; Joy did not tell me she had a sister."

My attempt at a lighthearted introduction fell flat on its face, as Nurse Redheart simply sighed. I held my smile for a moment longer before it became apparent that I was not going to receive one in return. Nurse Redheart allowed me to squirm in uncomfortable silence a moment longer. "Well, she wasn't wrong about how sweet you are. Now, let's cut out the chit-chat and address the matter at hoof, shall we? I'm sure you are aware of my daughter's… love life. Or perhaps more accurately, lack thereof."

At this, I could do nothing but look on in utter confusion and dread, silently hoping that this conversation was not about to go the way I thought it was. Nurse Redheart continued, her eyes the color of a glacier and every bit as cold and hard as one.

"I suspected as much. Heed my words, son. Joy is inexperienced in love in all of its forms. She is naive and entirely too trusting. She has never had a broken heart, and has no defense against one. I am all for her meeting somepony special and forming that once in a lifetime bond. However, know this: should it become apparent that you intentions are… less than wholesome… things will not end pleasantly for you. Do you understand?"

What could I do but shake my head dumbly? The conversation had gone just as I feared, though it did make a few things understandable. For instance, I know now why Joy was seldom approached by colts in her younger years… her mother was freaking SCARY. Note to self: do not piss this mare off. I quickly collected my wits (all four of them) and responded to the ultimatum. "Miss Redheart, your daughter has been nothing less than a saint since my arrival. She has gone out of her way to show me around town, take care of my wounds, and make me feel as if I mattered again. I know you distrust my intentions, and I can't blame you a bit. But I will say this; I give you my word that I will treat your daughter with the kindness and respect she deserves. I know my word holds no weight to you, but I'll prove myself in time. All I ask for is the time to do so."

Nurse Redheart contemplated me for another moment, almost as if she was sizing me up. After another tense silence, she spoke. "In all these years, after all the colts that I've given that speech to… you are the only one who didn't babble like an idiot or run like a coward. I'm not sure if this is because I'm losing my touch, or if you are just made of tougher stuff. Either way, I'm impressed. Don't take my warning lightly, but consider this my blessing."

And just like that, I was alone again. Nurse Redheart went upstairs, her departure punctuated after a brief silence by the sound of running water from above. After standing around for a moment longer in the wake of the unexpected conversation, I headed back to the couch to finish my mapping project. Once the map was completed to the standard I wanted, I tried to read the rest of the guide. I say "tried" because my next recollection was of myself being prodded awake by Joy.

Rousing myself from the pool of drool that had accumulated under my head as I slept, I tried to figure out what exactly I was being woken for. Joy interrupted this terribly laborious process with a quick observation. "Hey sleepyhead… if you drool on that book any more, Twilight is gonna make you buy it."

Wearily, I lifted my head from its resting place, a sheet of notes still stuck to the side of my face. I clumsily swatted at it, and ended up giving myself quite a thump. As I pressed a hoof to the injury and tried to rub the pain away, the offending paper fell away. Attempting to make some witty comeback or another, I ended up mumbling something that not even I understood.

Joy favored me with a tender look and told me to go to bed. At the mention of the bed, she cast a glance at it with a sigh. Using that wonderful cheating unicorn magic, she enveloped the entire bed in a light blue glow, and in a moment it had made itself. The last pillow had barely fallen into place before I stumbled over and flopped down upon it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her giving me a dirty look for messing up her handiwork. I just smiled, a gesture that was soon overtaken by a yawn. The last thing I could recall was Joy tucking me in like a child, and leaning in to kiss me on the forehead. And just like that, everything faded to a comfortable blackness, like the arms of a loved one embracing you after a long time apart.

In the morning, I was roused once again, though this time it was due to the heavenly scent that permeated my nostrils. As if to punctuate the thought, the sound of utensils pierced the air, waking me further. I couldn't help myself. With a loud moan, I rolled out of bed.

All the way out.

Hearing the moan, followed by a loud thump, Joy peeked around the corner to make sure I was still alive. Seeing that I was not moving, she called out to me. "Am I going to have to get the defibrillator?"

I grunted loudly, the limit of my linguistic capabilities so early in the morning. Apparently satisfied that I was not in fact dead, Joy returned to the kitchen and resumed her cacophonous preparations. It was entirely too early for my brain to be working properly, but even so, the mental picture of myself flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water was simultaneously funny as hell and something I'd rather not do. Summoning my strength and every ounce of willpower I had, I stood.

Well, I tried to, anyways. These traitorous limbs of mine were quite insubordinate as of late. Once I got them all back under my control, I was going to look into a general Courts Martial against them on charges of treason. I began to contemplate where I would find a lawyer (both for the prosecution and the defense) and how I would go about enacting any sort of punishment against the appendages. It was truly a sign of how tired I was that I didn't even pause to contemplate the idiocy of this train of thought… this was a perfectly acceptable practice, putting your own limbs on trial.

In lieu of any coordinated or graceful form of movement, I ended up propelling my body across the floor using the "Sweetie Belle" method, dragging my useless front limbs across the ground. In no time at all, I had locomoted myself into the kitchen, following the trail of amazing scent.

As I entered the kitchen, Joy simply stared at me as if I had a penis dangling from my forehead. This is actually an expression I use pretty frequently, mostly due to the reaction of the audience at which the simile is directed. More importantly, it conjures (in my mind, at least) an image of the perfect "what in the hell?" expression.

And that is exactly the expression I was receiving from the cerulean mare at the moment: a perfect blend of shock and incomprehension, tinted with a little bit of "I'm surrounded by idiots". I am quite familiar with the expression… at least once per day at work I am confronted with such astounding idiocy that there is no other recourse. One of the pitfalls of being in the army, I suppose. But really… some of these people must have been fed a steady diet of paint chips as kids. At the risk of forgetting my point (which was what, again?) I have an anecdote for you.

Suppose for a moment that you are a civilian with no clue about security clearances and all that jazz.

Got it? Awesome.

Say, for the sake of argument, that you are placed in a job that has you dealing with just that: security clearances and so forth. The knowledge that there really are people placed in positions they know nothing about makes me cry a little inside… anyways, back to the anecdote.

Now, picture this: you're sitting at your desk just being awesome, when someone comes round the corner asking for you. You turn around, and immediately jump to your feet, since the person who just walked up has so much rank it makes your head spin… this person is a Commanding Officer, in charge of hundreds of soldiers.

He/she tells you to relax, and take a seat. They just have a few questions and they will be on their way. Awesome… too easy. The first question is what their clearance status is. You pop it into the system, and lo and behold, they have a Top Secret clearance. Cool beans. And then, you have the following conversation with them:

Them: "So I have a Top Secret. When does that run out?"

You: *name off the date*

Them: "Alright. So, I'm going to (foreign country) tomorrow… is there anything you need from me before I go?"

You: "(foreign country)? Hmmm… So long as you have had your request cleared through (agency name), you should be covered."

Them: *repeats agency name* "Who're they?"

Stop (hammer time). Right here, with you knowing nothing about clearances, does it seem obvious that if you have one of the highest clearance levels in the United States Government, you might want to get clearance before traveling to a foreign country? Alright, at least I'm not alone.

What is frightening is that this person was in charge of other people. You look at them like they have suddenly sprouted incredibly well endowed male genitalia from their forehead. It would be career-ending to facepalm, so you do everything in your power to convey (respectfully) how wrong this person is.

Welcome to my hell.

While this anecdote is purposefully vague and possibly slightly modified, the core elements are the truth. Someone in a position of trust who wields significant power has absolutely no idea what they are doing.

Any who, back on track.

That penis-forehead-disbelief look is exactly the one I was receiving from Joy as I scooted my happy ass into the kitchen. Again, there she was, doing her goldfish impression. I believed she was contemplating whether or not I'd had a stroke. I decided to speak up and inform her that I lacked my usual muscular coordination due to the time of day and the fact that I had just awoken from a deep slumber.

"Meh… tired… too early… I can't… legs."

Her eye twitched in a very similar manner to the way it moved after I slobbered all over her forehead the day before. Yeah, that came out about as well as I had expected.

"You can't… legs. Legs?"

"Eyup."

At this, she did a double take, though she didn't call me on it. Instead of questioning my odd method of locomotion, calling me funny names, or anything of the sort, she gave me a devious grin. Reaching for something on the counter, I half expected something either heavy or sticky to rain down upon me.

Instead, she grabbed a scrap of something yellow with her magic and waved it before me. Instantly, my vision swam and my mouth watered as the scent of whatever it was struck me, full force. I craned my neck to devour the delicious smelling thing, only to find it moved just beyond my reach. I scooted forward and attempted again, this time having my jaws close disappointingly around nothing as the scrap now dangled just over my nose. I reached up to try again, refusing to be bested by something that smelled so good. I lunged wildly and nearly caught it, only to have it jump out of my reach at the last instant.

And so it went, as I chased the morsel that was eternally just beyond my reach. With a last, surging lunge, I victoriously snatched the morsel from the air and reveled in the sweet taste of victory.

At least, I did until the sound of valiantly suppressed laughter pierced my early morning haze. Turning towards the sound, I noticed that Joy was nearly doubled over, one hoof over her mouth and the other on her gut. Even as I began to form a question as to why she was like that, the answer became quite clear. As she dangled the food in front of me, she had kept moving it just beyond my reach. And I, just like a cat, had followed it. By the time I realized it, it was already too late… I was standing on my back legs, using my front hooves to brace against the counter, and stretching my neck up as far as I could reach to try and grab the morsel.

Dammit.

As she saw me piece everything together, Joy lost control, laughing so hard she cried.

Double Dammit. Well, it looks like I can "legs" after all.

Once Joy calmed down enough to breathe normally again, she muttered something along the lines of "priceless"; I grumbled under my breath.

"Friggin unicorns and their cheating magic… "

When she inquired as to what I said, I grumbled louder, asking what was for breakfast. She looked at me inquisitively for a moment before her features lit up in a bright grin as she replied with the most wonderful thing I'd heard all day. "Omelets!"

"Om… omelets?"

As she replied, she nodded vigorously, obviously quite pleased with herself. Personally, I was attempting to piece my mind back together after it had exploded. No idea why I thought that ponies were strictly herbivores, but somehow I had accepted it as the truth despite any evidence. My mind was blown.

"Uh huh! I remember you saying that you grew up with griffins, so I figured you had been raised on a high-protein diet. If so, then it would mean that your body was acclimated to it, and to suddenly change your diet to one without as much protein could make you very sick. So to prevent that from happening, I'll be modifying your diet to reduce your protein intake gradually; that way your body has time to adjust."

Wow. It was a bit hard to wrap my fragmented head around all of the big words so early in the morning. On top of that, it struck me as incredibly sweet and more than a bit flattering that Joy had not only considered my well-being in such depth, but had also taken the time to implement a special diet to accommodate me. I felt my heart well a bit with an emotion I hadn’t felt in a good while… it was as if… as if I was falling.

That was when it first hit me.

An icy fist wrapped itself around my heart, squeezing every trace of warmth and happiness from it; my breath hitched in my throat, a feeling that was so strong it nearly strangled me; and my eyes burned as if I was back in the Gas Chamber in basic training. I must have swayed on my hooves or something of the sort, because quite suddenly my vision was dominated by a blurry blue form.

Joy was crouched in front of me, her eyes wide with panic as she tried desperately to coax a reaction from me. I could vaguely hear her calling my name, though it sounded as if she was trying to yell over the cacophonous roar of a raging river. Dimly, I realized that the roar of the river was the sound of the blood rushing in my ears. The glacial fist around my chest constricted further, slowing my heart to a pace so slow, I momentarily wondered if it stopped.

The guilt of feeling so strongly about a mare I had only just met, coupled with the immeasurable sense of loss I felt in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought of my wife and son, combined into a blackness that swept through me. The world around me simply ceased to be as the blackness consumed everything… I ceased to be, the blackness consumed me as well.

There is a reason you cannot willingly venture into your subconscious. I see now that it is a defense mechanism, to prevent you from stumbling into the abysmal grottoes where your darkest nature lay. I was miles away from everything. My heartbeat was an impossibly slow rhythm echoing from the blackness, and the only source of illumination in the entire damnable hell-scape was a single disk of light miles above. The skylight to hell dimly illuminated a circle about ten meters in diameter, in the center of which I stood in all of my human glory.

I didn’t even question where I was… there could be no other place. I was in the chasm in my mind into which I shoved the worst of my memories, the most base of urges, and anything else that I couldn’t handle in my life. The blackness around me seemed to fester with malignant shadows, each seemingly plotting its attack to pay retribution to the one that had condemned it to the abyss.

Ahead of me, a familiar form emerged from the darkness. My wife looked exactly as she had the last time I had seen her, the tears still wet upon her face. In her arms, our son wailed in silence, the void stealing all sound from his lips. I nearly lost it… I was overcome by emotion, and I stumbled towards my wife to hold her in my arms, to tell her everything was going to be alright; to tell her that I loved her, and that I was coming home to her. Tell her that I was sorry.

I had not taken a single step towards my wife before a massive, clawed appendage swept from the darkness and stole her from the light. There was no scream, no cries for help, no sound at all. In an instant, there was nothing to say that she had ever been there at all. Nothing, that is, save for the splattered crimson drops on the ground she once stood upon. I raised my hand to my mouth to keep myself from calling out to her, and that was when I noticed it.

My hands were covered in blood… blood that could only have been from one person.

I might not have been the brightest person of all, but I knew my own mind, dammit, and I knew exactly what this represented. That night I chose to come to Equestria… I had killed my old life. I had forsaken that life and all things in it for the chance to start anew in Equestria. The beast in the darkness had not stolen her from me. By forsaking her, I had stolen myself from her. Her blood was on my hands because of my betrayal.

With a terrible, shuddering finality, I was struck by an epiphany that carried the terrible weight of the truth, a crushing burden. There was no way back. For better or worse, Equestria was my home now. I can't explain how I knew it with this level of certainty, but something inside me simply resonated with the knowledge that my transition was permanent.

The truth was bittersweet. I would never see my wife or son again. I would never have a chance to make up for the way I acted when he was little. My son would grow up without a father just as I did, something I swore on my life would never come to pass. I would never see him off to his first day at school, never see him get married… The magnitude of all I had lost weighed heavily upon my shoulders; I had become Atlas.

And yet, the terrible weight was also a gift. I now knew the price I had paid; I knew what I had lost. Knowing that there was no way back was liberating in a terrible way. There was no use lamenting over that which you cannot change, and this was a principal upon which I had built my life. By shouldering the burden and accepting the ramifications of my actions, I would be able to move forward.

The thought of my wife and son still caused my gut to clench around a ball of ice and my breath to catch in my throat, but knowing that they were irrevocably removed from my life dulled the pain. I supposed it would always hurt to think of them; but if I had truly given up everything to come to this world, then I was going to make it worth the sacrifice. By Celestia’s Beard, I was going to live a life worthy of the price paid for it.

Even as I felt my resolve harden under the weight of my new-found appreciation for this life I had sold my soul for, the world around me began to quake. Vaguely, I became aware of a familiar sound, though I could not place it to save my life. The disk of light above began to waver, elongating and distorting into unknowable shapes before shrinking back to begin again.

From the abyss, the sounds rose again. It was so familiar, so comforting, and yet so difficult to place, that it was nearly maddening. Despite the fact that I was a human standing on the floor of an abyss with nothing around me, I had the distinct sensation of being constricted gently, and of being rocked slightly. From the blackness came a gentle breeze, carrying on it a distinct smell… it smelled like… like…

Everything came together at once for me. The sound which echoed in the abyss mingled with the smell of mint on the breeze… and just like that, everything clicked into place. The sound… it was the sound of Joy’s melodious voice. The scent of mint on the wind was the scent of Joy’s favorite shampoo, the smell of her mane. The constriction around my chest assumed the familiar contours of a certain cerulean mare, though it was a much firmer hold than I was accustomed to from her.

As the pieces began to form a picture in my mind, the blackness surrounding me perceptibly lightened. The moment that I had an image of Joy flash through my mind, I felt myself being ripped from the floor of the chasm, as if a hook in my chest was being tugged with tremendous force. The disk of light above me rapidly swelled to fill the sky entirely. I passed through the ocean of light, feeling the slight tickle of the light playing across my skin for an instant, but an instant later the feeling had passed.

Have you ever been sitting in a chair, dozing off comfortably, when you have the sudden sensation of falling, followed by the sensation that you just dropped about a foot into the chair? This was like that, only worse. I fell back into my own body (for lack of a better way to describe it) with a jolt. Just like that, everything was crystal clear again.

The first thing I noted about my situation was that I was sitting on my haunches, much like a dog sits. Second thing was that Joy had her arms wrapped around me, locking me into an embrace that was a great deal more forceful than her usual hugs. The most disconcerting thing about the whole thing was Joy: she was sobbing heavily as she held onto me for dear life.

“Joy? Are you okay?”

Joy jerked back from me as if electrocuted, staring at me with puffy red eyes for a moment, as if she was searching for something. I raised a concerned eyebrow, and she reacted in an unusual manner.

For the record, being slapped across the face by a creature with hooves is a decidedly unpleasant experience. As I was still reeling from the blow, I remained rooted to the spot, my head still cocked to the side. Very slowly, I turned my head back to the front to face Joy. She was regarding me with a mixture of anger, relief, and deep concern. Working my now-sore jaw, I calmly tried again. “Ouch. Joy, was that necessary?”

Her chest was heaving slightly as she fought to get herself back under control, wiping a tear from her eye. “You… you… no. Never… never do that… Dave… don’t leave me like that again.”

Ah… so that’s what this is about. How long was I gone? I assumed a supplicatory position, apologizing. “I’m sorry, Jo-”

She interrupted me with a hard jab to the chest. “Stop. Right there. Not another word from you right now. Do you have any idea how scared I was? How badly you frightened me? One second you're chasing a bit of egg and mumbling things about breakfast, and the next you fall over like you were tackled by a Manticore. I rushed over to you to make sure you were okay, and you wouldn’t answer. You couldn’t even look at me. You were completely unresponsive, even to pain. Your eyes were open wide, and your pupils were pinpricks. I’ve never seen anypony with pupils like that, not even in the textbooks. Your heart was pounding so hard I thought you would have a heart attack, and you were having trouble breathing… Dave, I thought I was going to lose you. I… I don’t know why, but I was terrified. I was terrified… Dave… please. I beg you… never leave me like that again. Don’t scare me like that… I don’t think I can take it… ”

And then she collapsed into tears again. I took her into my arms and just held her, letting her get it all out. In the back of my mind, I was still trying to process the events that had taken place in my fugue state. Mostly, I was trying to come to terms with my own sense of loss that my epiphany had inspired in me.

There was no way this was going to blow over… I had a good deal of thinking to do, and I couldn’t just push this off onto future Dave, either. My thought process ground to a halt as more immediate needs made themselves known. My stomach growled so loudly that it caused Joy to jump in fright. In the wake of my gastronomical outburst, we shared a weary chuckle. The experience that had just come to pass had taken its toll on the both of us, draining us of most of our energy.

Trying to make the best out of the situation, I piped up. “So… ahem… what’s for breakfast?”

Joy looked at me like she was about to cry again, but instead she cracked a wry smile. “Still omelets, silly pony. I swear, do you ever listen?”

I had taken to scratching my ear, and made a big show out of pretending to dig something out of it and examine the specimen before replying. “Huh? You say something?”

She let out an exasperated sigh, but the smile on her face was a mile wide. It was good to see that she could bounce back from something so strange, so quickly. It spoke volumes about the strength of her character.

Wrapping the still (mostly) warm omelets in a glow of magic, she set them down on their respective plates, beside which rested my current nemesis: flatware.

Upon closer inspection however, I realized that my apprehension towards using the utensils was largely unfounded. Instead of the human style of silverware, these ended not in a long, flat grasping surface, but rather in a clip of some sort. Based on the size and shape of the clip, I deduced that it was to be slid over the edge of the hoof, fastening itself onto the wall of the hoof.

At first, Joy had taken no small amount of amusement at my attempts to affix the utensils to my hooves, and once I had succeeded at that, she got further jollies from watching me try to maneuver the devices in a coherent manner. Soon enough though, I had gotten the hang of them and was shoveling food into my mouth like a champ.

As much as we tried to hide it by acting like our normal selves, the events that had transpired had left an indelible mark upon the both of us. I was sure the effects would fade soon enough, but for the time being it was hanging over our heads; unseen though it might be, its presence was felt nonetheless.

As breakfast was winding to a close, Joy spoke up briefly. "Oh! Before I forget, you got the job at the clinic. Well, you kinda have it. You'll have a two week internship to learn the ropes, and if you do well in that time, the job is yours."

This was a bit of unexpected good news, and it brought a smile to my face. "Wow… that was swift. Awesome… thanks, Joy. When do I start?"

Joy beamed with pride for a moment before answering. "Well, I figured that you wanted to get started as soon as you could, so I managed to get you on the swing shift starting today. Your shift starts at fifteen hundred."

Even better news. Now, I could not only get a head start on my internship, but I could also have some time alone to begin dealing with my revelation. "Joy, have I ever told you how awesome you are? Because really… you are pretty darned awesome."

She both beamed and flushed at this compliment. I had a miniature heart attack as the diabeetus flared up again. She was a cerulean and alabaster mare, but the scarlet tint on her cheeks fit her perfectly. It makes sense if you don't think about it.

Joy waved her hoof in front of me to get my attention. "Hello? Equestria to Dave, come in Dave."

I blinked in confusion a time or two before everything clicked. "Huh? Was I zoned out again?"

She looked at me with a mix of annoyance and amusement. "Yeah. You were looking at me for a second, and then you just drifted off into la-la land. What were you thinking about?"

How gorgeous you are…

Blushing, I tried to push the thought from my mind and play it off like it was no big deal. "Meh… nothing important. Why do you ask?"

With an inquisitive smirk, not unlike that of a cat amused by its prey she responded. "Well, you just had this huge smile on your face… I was betting you were thinking about food."

Son of a... I'd only just arrived, and this mare already had me pegged. She might have been wrong, but it was a damned good guess anyways… I do have a tendency to do that as well.

About this time, what she had said earlier about my shift finally clicked into place. "Hold on a second. Go back a tick. My shift is at fifteen hundred at the clinic? Is there a uniform or anything I need to be prepared for?"

She rolled her eyes before responding with a slight smirk. "Duh it's at the clinic. If there is a uniform, they would issue it to you there, and as far as anything else goes, I'm sure you will find out soon enough."

I simply nodded, contemplating how to spend the time before my shift. I brought this up to Joy. "Well, that's settled. Since we have half a day to kill, what do you want to do before I have to go to work?"

Joy shot me a puzzled look as she answered. "Half a day? Dave, you have no idea what time it is, do you?"

Pondering, I scratched my chin as I weighed my answers. "Ummm… about zero eight or nine?"

Joy deadpanned. "Not even close. It's almost thirteen right now."

What now? I checked my watch to verify, and was shocked at the time. "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle."

Copying my gesture from earlier, Joy scratched her chin. "Hmmm… do you have any siblings? Because I don't, and it is hard to be an uncle without a tertiary family member, and even harder to get them to adopt a monkey… "

I stared at Joy for a moment to see if I was being trolled. She was looking up and to her left, tapping her chin with a hoof, apparently lost in thought. I couldn't tell whether or not I was being gotten again, and I soon gave up trying.

I decided that if I was being had (and if not, oh well), I was going to have some fun with this. “Actually, I do have a brother, so to speak. My parents adopted a hatchling griffin when I was young, and he was wandering through the Everfree one day when he stumbled upon a young primate, who had been separated from the rest of his troop. To make a long story short, the monkey followed him home, and my brother eventually adopted him.”

Joy has snapped out of her reverie to regard me with an expression that was nothing short of… what I guess would be considered “astounded”. And right on cue, the Goldfish imitation began. She snapped out of it sooner than average this time, though, so I didn't even have time to enjoy her confusion.

“Wait a minute… you never mentioned you had a brother… I would have figured you would have brought this up sooner… ”

I wore my best poker face, betraying no hint of my shenanigans. “In my defense, I’ve only been here for two days… ”

Slightly flustered by the sudden revelation of my extended family, Joy did her best to recover. “Yeah, but don’t you think that’s kind of a big thing to overlook when you were telling Twilight and me about your past?”

It was becoming increasingly difficult not to bust out laughing. “Perhaps. Did I ever tell you about the time I was a pirate?”

Joy narrowed her eyes suspiciously at me as she began to suspect something was amiss. “No. You failed to mention that as well. What else haven’t you told me?”

Time for me to break out my diversionary tactics. “Anyways, did you know that if you say ‘gullible’ really slowly, it sounds like you are saying ‘orange’?”

The notion hit her in the sweet spot between skepticism and curiosity, and she lowered her gaze from me as she tried to puzzle it out.

I cannot properly express how incredibly hilarious Joy looked as she kept mouthing the word to herself, over and over… first, there were all the crazy expressions she was making. Try this for yourself… try and make ‘gullible’ sound like ‘orange’, but do it in front of a camera. Once you rage quit, watch your expressions on the video.

Priceless.

On top of that was how she grew more and more frustrated as she kept trying. Now you understand my struggle, as I fought valiantly to suppress my laughter. It had to have been the tenth time she sounded it out (or tried to, anyways) before she finally looked back up at me. I had managed to contain myself until then, but at that point I couldn’t help but chuckle. For a moment, Joy seemed almost hurt by this.

“You… you tricked me. Gullible doesn’t sound like orange… ”

Before I could respond to reassure her that it was all in good fun, her face lit up with a flash of comprehension before it settled into an unamused mask of indifference. She cut off my reply by continuing to speak. “None of that was true, was it.”

Still snickering, I choked my reply. “Not since the 'monkey’s uncle' bit. Everything before that was, though.”

Joy’s only reply for a moment was a tired sigh. A moment of silence passed before she spoke up again. “How did I not see this coming?”

Grinning smugly, I replied. “Because I’m amazing?”

Once again stroking her chin, Joy looked thoughtful for a moment. “Hmmm. Nope, that isn’t it. Though I’ve got to hoof it to you, you were very convincing. Still a horrible pony for tricking an innocent, defenseless mare, but convincing nonetheless.”

I was not entirely sure whether I should feel proud or ashamed… but since the second option required something I did not possess (something called “shame”), I opted for the former. “Well, what can I say… I’ve got a silver tongue.”

I lowered my voice for the last two words, trying to sound deep and mysterious as I punctuated my statement with a suggestive wink. Remember what I said about ten seconds ago? About not having any shame? Case and point.

My tactics were effective, to say the least, and I watched as Joy gulped noisily and turned quite scarlet. She cleared her throat much louder than necessary, overtly indicating that the subject was to be changed forthwith. “So then. I think it’s about time you got ready for your shift, don’t you? Good, I thought you might. A shower, excellent idea… well, I won’t hold you from your hygienic concerns any longer. Have fun.”

Joy had a one sided conversation in my direction, clearly indicating what I was expected to do in the immediate future. To call it a hint would be like calling the Titanic “a bit of an accident”, but I took it to heart anyways, leaving the scarlet hued and quite fidgety mare in solitude at the table. As I set off towards the shower, I cast a glance over my shoulder at Joy, who was chewing her lower lip nervously as I walked away. We made eye contact, and she blushed all the harder for it, averting her eyes swiftly.

I couldn't figure this mare out. This really didn't surprise me, though. After all, there is no living creature that can read the mind of a female… not even her. I'm not saying that I was a magician or anything, but I used to be pretty accurate at guessing what women were thinking. And by pretty accurate, I mean I had a one-in-ten success rate. Impressive, no?

And yet, I still found myself continuously baffled by this one. I guess it makes sense in the grand scheme of things… it also fit nicely into my worldview. I have a motto of sorts… "You can never understand women. You can empathize, sympathize, and relate to them, but never fully understand them. Accept this, and carry on. If you one day you think you have it all figured out, you are wrong, period. That's pretty much all you'll ever truly know about women."

It might be a mouthful, but it's accurate. There I was, thinking that I had begun to understand a little bit about the way females thought, and then along came Joy to send me back to square one. I really should have seen it coming. Bah.

As I had been contemplating how very little I actually knew, my hooves had carried me to the shower. I turned the tap onto a comfortable temperature and stepped in. In this enclosed space with the sound of the running water muting all sound, I allowed myself to indulge in something that I find to be a useless waste of time for me: I allowed myself to weep. In silence, I wept for the loss of everything I had ever known. Not only did I weep for my wife and son, though they were arguably the loss which caused the most acute pain; but I also wept for my friends and family, the loss of everyone I'd ever known.

Even the people with whom I dreaded having to interact with, I strangely found myself lamenting over. Under the constant stream of warm water, my grief was manifested and expelled from my body; my tears intermingling with the rivulets of the shower as they ran down my face, becoming one before being swept away into the drain.

As I wept, the burden of grief upon my shoulders lessened. Now, I honestly don't know a lot about dealing with grief. My life had been pretty uneventful before the recent events. I'd never encountered anything I couldn't simply shrug off apathetically. I had discovered long ago that events only hold the power you give them. The more you care, the more power events have over you. To protect myself from my past, I learned to let everything go, to stay distant from everything. I said this many years ago, and even now I could still see the wisdom in it: "If they cannot find your heart, they cannot break it."

This single phrase was the foundation upon which I had built a life of emotional distance. Even though I could see that it was flawed, and a symptom of a deeper dysfunction, I still embraced it and lived it. Because of this, I had never been in a meaningful relationship before I met my wife. And despite my every effort to the contrary, I found myself emotionally distant from her as well. Not even the birth of our son could thaw my heart, though it did begin to defrost.

Who knows, in a few years I might actually have been able to form a semblance of a normal emotional attachment, not that it mattered anymore. It was because of this known emotional detachment of mine that the grief of what had transpired struck home so soundly. I had never known how much they had meant to me until I lost them. I couldn't love them like I should've when I had the chance, but as soon as they were gone forever, I realized how important they were to me. The irony was suffocating.

Soon the water began to run cold, and the change in temperature prompted a change in my disposition. My grief had been alleviated for the most part, and the burden that it placed upon my shoulders lessened accordingly. All told, I was feeling better than I had in weeks. I staunched the flow of water, and proceeded to towel off.

By my watch, I had only been in the shower for about twenty minutes. While this was about four or five times longer than my usual shower (another habit picked up in basic), it was still within what most consider a reasonable amount of time. By the time I was dried, my spirits had risen back to their customary exuberance. Looking in the mirror, I got an idea. I mussed my mane as best I could, persuading it to stand nearly on-end before walking out to the living room.

As I exited the hallway, Joy rounded the corner from the kitchen and caught sight of my ridiculous appearance. My ploy had exactly the intended effect, and Joy was almost instantly doubled over with laughter. The tears were streaming freely down her face as she tried to communicate her thoughts on my hair style.

Needless to say, it was a garbled mess of “your hair” this, and “electrocuted” that. In order to spare you the details of her incomprehensible mumblings, suffice it to say that her initial impression of my hair was the same as mine: I looked like I had just gotten a crash course in Applied Electric Theory.

Once she had settled down to a semi coherent state and wiped the tears from her eyes, she spoke the first sensible phrase since I had come around the corner. “Oh, Celestia… that was hilarious… my sides hurt.”

This warmed my heart a little bit. Despite all of my flaws (and copious testimony to the contrary) I was not a bad person, nor a bad pony. Perhaps I might have been misguided at some times, and I must admit that I had acted out of spite on more than one occasion, but on the whole I tried to bring whatever happiness I could to those around me. That said, seeing the way Joy had laughed, and the joy that I had brought her, it filled me with a certain glow-ey feeling. Perhaps it was accomplishment, perhaps contentment. I cannot really say what the emotion was, exactly, but the general idea is that it was a pleasant one.

Regardless, she got her jollies from my outlandish appearance, and I got mine from bringing happiness to her. It was a win-win all around. To her, I simply said, “Heh. I’m glad this amuses you. Now if I could bother you to help me fix it, I would be most grateful.”

Thus, I implemented part two of my (not very) nefarious plot: 'Operation: Have Joy Play with My Mane.' Of course Joy agreed to rectify my follicular folly, and everything went according to plan.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. Everypony out there can testify that there are few more wonderful feelings than having your scalp rubbed. I sat in contented bliss as the cerulean mare did her best to smooth my unruly hair-do. After what felt like a blissful eternity, I felt a pat on my shoulder, coupled by the announcement that Joy had completed her task. I happened to glance at my watch (yet another army-inspired habit) and was a bit disappointed to see that it was already a quarter past fourteen. With a reluctant sigh, I spoke up.

“Darn… Joy? It’s about time for me to head to work. Any last-minute advice?”

“Aw… shoot. I was having fun messing with your mane… I guess I can finish when you get off shift. As for advice… Don’t set anything on fire and you'll be good. Ask the pony at the front desk where you should go to report for your shift, and you should be set.”

Disregarding her sarcasm, I nodded in affirmation. “Well, alright then… I s’pose I'll be heading out then. Have fun, Joy. I’ll see you after my shift is over.”

Off-hoofedly, Joy remarked "Actually, I’ll see you in a few hours. I work night shift this month, and since you are on the swing shift, our shifts overlap a couple hours.”

I nodded in a generalized expression of comprehension and turned towards the door. As I was walking out the door, I turned back and waved to Joy. She returned the gesture with a smile, one that I could not help but return as I exited the house that was starting to become a home to me.

And thus, I set off towards the clinic, a bit apprehensive as to what might lay ahead. After a good bit of walking, I finally drew near to the clinic. Walking in the same doors I had been carted through not more than seventy-two hours prior was a bit of a strange experience, inspiring in me a vague sense of Déjà Vu. I put all of that aside as I entered the reception area.

At the desk I spoke to a Nurse Tenderheart, who apparently was new to Ponyville and pulling double duty as a nurse and receptionist. After a brief conversation with her, I learned that she was an Intern as well, though her internship was a whole six months long, as opposed to my two weeks. She was only nineteen days into her internship as a nurse, and so she was tasked out to cover down on an opening caused by the normal receptionist falling ill.

A few moments more of conversation revealed that she had trained in the Canterlot School of Medicine, and did not mind filling in for a secretary when necessary. Based on what she had told me and what (little) I knew of Canterlot, I pretty much associated it with the same level of prestige as was afforded to West Point graduates. If I was correct in my association (and there was no evidence on hoof to support or disprove this theory) then this Nurse Tenderheart was a well trained intern from a prestigious academy.

I decided then and there that it would be a good idea to keep an eye on miss May Tenderheart (I had also discovered she was named for the month in which she was born… not terribly original, but a pretty name none the less).

Soon enough, I had asked where I would head to meet up with the “Sanitation Engineer”. My inquiry was initially met with a moment of silence as the receptionist contemplated what I had actually intended to ask. In a short moment, her eyes lit up in comprehension, and she proceeded to name off a series of twists and turns that made my head spin to even try and contemplate.

Instead of relying on my memory (which was dubious at best) to find my way through the labyrinth of corridors, we both decided that it would be best to write it down, along with landmarks within the clinic.

After a few minutes, several strange looks, and more than a few wrong turns, I arrived in a section of the basement dedicated to the mechanical innards of the facility. The entire room was actually quite large, though it was crammed with every type of mechanical equipment imaginable (and some that weren’t).

I approached the only pony in the subterranean cavern, assuming that he was the one who would be my boss for the foreseeable future. I cautiously addressed this scraggly looking earth pony. “Ummm… Hello there. My name is Dave, and I believe that Nurse Joy spoke with you earlier today about a possible internship position as janitor?”

The stallion seated behind the desk calmly flipped the page on his newspaper as if he had not heard me. I was contemplating reiterating myself a bit louder when he spoke up.

“So you’re the new pony? Alright. How good are you with electricity and plumbing?”

“Well… I’m familiar with both, to a certain extent, and I’m usually pretty good at problem solving… ”

At this point, I barely managed to catch the wrench that had been flung in my direction. “Name’s Scruffy, the head Janitor. Take that there wrench and head to room thirty-three-oh-six. See if you can fix what’s wrong. If not, come back. Questions?”

“Uhhh… Nope. I think I can handle this.”

To this, Scruffy simply replied with a grunt, licking the tip of his hoof and turning the page. Not wanting to kick the proverbial hornet’s nest on the first day of my internship, I left the room without comment and headed up to the third floor. On my way, I might have passed a half-dozen ponies, but I couldn’t recall even a single one by the time I had arrived at the room.

Once I walked in, the scene that greeted me was deceptively calm. Honestly, I had expected a geyser erupting from a toilet, or a faucet that was shooting water up to the ceiling. Instead, I was greeted by a trashcan that had been placed under the sink to catch the water from a slow leak.

I figured all I would have to do is tighten up the coupling a bit and everything would be good to go. I figured wrong. As it turns out, the threads on the joint were almost entirely stripped, and from the loose seal there seeped a slow but steady stream of water.

Well… shit. It's not a difficult fix if you have the proper tools… just shut off the water, loosen and remove the damaged coupling, wind some sealant tape around the threads, put everything back and you're done. This repair becomes slightly more difficult without the tape to create a seal, though, so I was going to have to get creative. Have wrench, will Macgyver.

I scratched my chin with the wrench as I contemplated the best way to solve this conundrum. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for some cheating unicorn magic right now… Nope, all I get are these wings that I can’t even use for a few more weeks… wings that I’m not even sure I'll know how to use. Wings that are composed mostly of horse feathers and other tricksy magic. That might just work… I turned my head and craned my neck as far as I could, grasping a feather and tugging.

The feather did not even budge. Again I tugged at the feather, though harder this time. Still nothing. Quickly becoming fed up with this lack of success, I bit down as hard as I could and yanked with all my might.

Not quite sure what actually happened, but somehow I ended up on the ground. That damned feather was still stubbornly in place, my head was hurting, and I had been entirely defeated by my own physiology… again. Climbing back to my feet, I stared daggers at the feather that refused to be moved from its position. I mean, I’d heard that pegasus wings had some sort of integral magic, but I never would have guessed that it made them damn near indestructible…

My nose suddenly began to itch, and with a tremendous inhalation, I sneezed so hard I felt like my head was going to explode. The sneeze was so violent, it made me dizzy for a moment… it felt amazing. As my head tried to get itself back together, I became aware of a familiar looking color on the floor, just a pace away from me.

No. There is no way that after all of that, it was a sneeze that knocked it loose… I turned my head to look back at my wing, and I groaned very loudly. That damnable feather was no longer attached to the place I had tried to dislodge it from; it was now a pace away on the floor. I’m pretty sure my eye was twitching in a similar fashion as Joy’s had a tendency to do.

I swear, there was something up there that just loved to mess with me… I gathered up the feather and marveled a moment at its lightness. It was one of the primaries (the long ones) and despite being as long as my leg, it was so light I could barely feel it on my hoof. It was also much stiffer than I would have expected, behaving more like a ruler than a feather.

After marveling at the incredible feather for a much longer period than I had intended, I figured I might as well get around to fixing this leak. I had damn near undone the connector in the sink without turning off the water, but I caught the mistake just in time to save myself a good soaking.

Once I had rectified the possible disaster by shutting off the water supply, I quickly finished disassembling the fixture. I gnawed off the tip of the feather and wrapped it around the threads of the pipe before I put everything back together. The feather made it pretty difficult to reassemble the whole contraption, but soon enough it all came together. I wrenched the fixture closed, feeling pretty damn smug about my problem solving.

Then came the moment of truth: turning on the water. I took a deep breath and turned the knob. The sink exploded and flooded the entire hospital, drowning everypony. The end.

In reality, none of that happened. The water gurgled through the pipes for a moment, but the repair held. I tried both of the taps and was pleased as punch to see that all traces of the leak had disappeared. I dumped out the can that had been used to catch the drops before setting back off towards the janitorial cavern. My initial impression of that particular area was one of a dank cave, and it was just such a vivid mental image that I didn't think I'd ever shake it.

I walked into Scruffy's office, the cloying dampness slapping me in the face as I entered. The olive coated earth stallion simply looked up from his paper and studied me for a moment. I highly doubted that he had moved since I had left. Instead of saying anything, I figured I would wait for him to speak first. Luckily, this was not a long wait.

"You fix the leak?"

Puffing my chest put, I replied "Yes, sir."

Scruffy looked around a moment before turning back to me. "My Pa is 'sir'; I'm Scruffy."

"Alright then. I fixed the leak, Scruffy."

He did not so much as look up over his newspaper as he replied. "Hmmm. What'd you use to seal the pipe?"

Feeling unduly proud of myself, I explained my methods. "Well, since I didn't have anything else at my disposal, I just plucked a feather and wound it around the threads. Seemed to work."

At this, Scruffy rubbed his chin thoughtfully. A moment of silence passed before he spoke up. "Pegasus feathers are naturally water repellant, and pretty durable at that. I'd say that it will make a fine seal. Good thinking."

I smiled triumphantly. "Heh… thanks. Anything else you need done right now?"

"Hmmm… nope. You passed the test, and other than that there isn't much to do for a few hours. It's about sixteen hundred right now, shift change is in about an hour, and we usually begin cleaning a bit after that. In the meantime, grab a seat and relax for a bit."

"No problem. One last question… is there a uniform standard or any special directions I need to be aware of?"

Scruffy rubbed his chin again, a gesture that I began to see was something of a habit for him.

"Well, we have utility barding that we use when we go to clean or repair things… I suppose that's a uniform. Just make sure you keep yourself looking tidy. Hay, you can grow a beard for all the hoots I give. Just keep it tidy and you'll be fine."

Shut the front door. Grow a beard? I didn't even know it was possible to grow facial hair as a pony. Does this mean I'll have to shave? How do I shave without being bald around the muzzle? How do I… oh, my head is starting to hurt… dammit. Scruffy continued.

"And as far as special directions… Doctors and Nurses have the right of way. They have more important places to be than stuck behind you in the hallway. One last thing… if you're ever told to go to the fourth floor for any reason, under no circumstances are you to go up there without a respirator. I suggest carrying one with you at all times, just in case."

This piqued my interest. "What's on the fourth floor?"

"Mostly the mechanical guts of the clinic, but there is also the isolation ward up there. You should never be called into the iso ward; I'm the pony that handles that. If for some reason you have to go in there, remember to use the decon shower before you enter, and once you leave. Shoot, shower twice when you leave. There is nothing in there that you want to carry out with you."

I swallowed a lump that had mysteriously appeared in my throat. "Fair enough. Is it a safe guess that I'll be trained how to fix certain equipment as a part of my job?"

"You'll learn what you need as you need it."

Great. Scruffy was waxing cryptic on me. I was getting the distinct impression that I had gotten all the information I was likely to get for now, and this was his way of politely telling me so. I nodded at him to indicate that I understood what he meant, and then I walked over to the vacant seat and popped open the newspaper. It was a local publication, talking about the local problems in Ponyville.

There was a short story detailing the complications during the last winter wrap up, the somewhat sketchy condition that the school playground equipment was in, and an opinion column about a price gouging conspiracy in the town market.

The rest of the paper was fluff pieces about the school fillies and things like that. The part that really caught my attention was the section that contained the various coupons and advertisements for the vendors in town. I saw one for Berry's Smoothies, and I knew what I was going to be doing after work.

For the next hour and a half or so, I read and re-read the articles in the newspaper. Their editor should be fired… I found no less than four spelling mistakes… isn't that what the editor was for? I was in the midst of working myself into a righteous lather to write a strongly worded letter to the editor when I caught sight of the banner just below the headline: Produced by the Journalism Club at Ponyville Primary School. Instantly, my opinion of the paper did a complete hundred-and-eighty-degree flip.

Instead of being appalled at the number of spelling errors, I became rather impressed that there had been so few. I still wanted to write to the editor, but the letter would be a much more pleasant one in light of the new evidence.

As I was thinking about how to word this letter, Scruffy cleared his throat. "It's about that time, Dave. Grab them overalls, suit up, and follow me."

I did as I was told, suiting up as best I could with the limited manual dexterity I possessed. After a brief struggle, I ended up triumphant and walked up to Scruffy. He gave me a quick once over and nodded in approval. Without a word he set off down the hall, and I fell into step behind him.

Through the next couple hours we performed standard janitorial duties as we wiped down counters and cleaned the latrines. By the time we had finished with that task and had swept and mopped all of the floors, it was approaching midnight. Most of the patient rooms were vacant and only required a quick touch up before we moved on.

Once or twice I had caught sight of Joy as I passed through the hallways, though we never had a chance to do anything other than wave or nod at each other, being that we were both in the middle of some task or another.

By the time that the floors had all been sanitized to the point of being nearly luminous, it was almost zero two in the morning. Scruffy and I had just returned the last of the cleaning supplies to the closet when he turned to me. "Whelp. That about does it for tonight."

I wiped a bead of sweat from my brow. "Anything else before I take off?"

"Nope. So far, I can tell you are a hard worker and at least slightly mechanically inclined. I'll need a bit more time to make sure you aren't just putting on an act, but as long as you keep up what you're doing, I think you'll be a good addition to the force."

"Thanks, Scruffy. I'm glad to hear that. Same time tomorrow?"

"Nope. Come in at eighteen tomorrow, and make sure you get a good night's sleep. You will be working the full night shift tomorrow."

"Alright, sounds good. See you then, Scruffy."

He grunted in acknowledgment, and with that I took my leave. After so many hours sweeping and mopping the corridors, I had expanded my mental map of the facility to the point that it was almost useful. At the bare minimum, I knew my way to the cafeteria and to the assorted exits. At least I knew the important stuff.

I then began to test the integrity of the other mental map I had built in the last day, as I navigated towards Berry's Smoothies. I began to get turned around on the way there, but by taking a second to reference the location of the landmarks in town, I figured I was heading the right way, just along a different route than I had taken last time.

Sure enough, I emerged from a side road into the main avenue, just a block south of the smoothie shop. As I walked through the door, Berry looked up from her book and did a double take.

"Hey you. Where's Joy?"

I waved over my shoulder in the general direction of the clinic I’d just left "She's still at the clinic. I was working the swing shift, so I got off before she did."

Berry raised an eyebrow suggestively. "I'll bet you did, Flyboy."

I couldn't help but chuckle at that. Not only at the dirty joke, but also at the nickname… I quite liked it. "Heh… good one. Guess I set myself up for that one. And Flyboy? Really?"

She nodded in confirmation "Yeah you did. And what's wrong, don't like the nickname? Would you prefer 'mummy'?"

I felt an involuntary twinge of pain at the memory of the bandages that yet held me. "Heh… no, I think I like Flyboy better."

She nodded smugly. "Alright, it's settled. What'll it be, Flyboy?"

Scanning the menu, I hesitated only slightly before replying. "Let me get a tall glass of punch."

Again with the eyebrow… "And how would your marefriend feel about that?"

Right about then it had hit me what I had said. Apparently, my facehoof was answer enough.

"Alright, Flyboy. Don't hurt yourself, I was only joking. Four bits, please."

I silently dug out the appropriate change from my coin satchel (not coin purse, dammit) and paid the fee. As the magnificent beverage was slid across the counter to me, I caught a glance at the price board over the register. A tall glass of Punch's (I swear, it actually was called that. Must have been a running joke for Berry…) was six bits, not four. Huh… seems I'd gotten a friendship discount or something.

I took a seat near the counter, and in a moment Berry had joined me. "You're the most interesting thing to happen in the last four hours. So, did I hear correctly that you are now working at the clinic?"

Swallowing a large gulp of smoothie, I fought away brain-freeze before I gave my answer. "Indeed you did, and indeed I do. I am interning for a position as a sanitation engineer, with a possible side job as master mechanical mechanism repair pony."

At first Berry seemed quite impressed by the titles, but soon enough she began to contemplate what the jobs might actually entail. She roused from her reverie to favor me with a flat look. "You're going to be a janitor slash repair pony."

"Eyup."

Now it was her turn to facehoof. I seemed to have that effect on mares… from behind her hoof, she spoke up. "You know, you just reminded me of a customer that comes through here from time to time. Enormous earth pony, red color, tends to wear a yoke… ever see him?"

I stroked my chin thoughtfully. "Not that I recall. Why?"

Berry shrugged dismissively. "No real reason. I was just wondering, because he says 'eyup' as well."

I tried not to let my inner amusement shine through. It was as if this whole town was an act, but they didn't know I'd already seen the script. Hiding my inner amusement, I did my best to sound aloof. "Sounds like a classy fellow."

At this, Berry laughed a bit, a laugh that cut off abruptly with a small snort. She quickly covered her face with both hooves and began to turn red. Seems I have that effect on mares as well. Realizing that she was quite embarrassed, I tried to break the tension. "Heh. That was adorable."

Berry shot me a death glare. I was three for three with expressions so far. "No it wasn't. It was embarrassing… I can't believe you saw that."

I shrugged. "What, you think you are the first mare I've seen snort? It happens from time to time. No big deal. I find it kinda cute, but then again I am a bit strange… "

"Yeah, no kidding. You’re pretty… well, you're pretty something alright. Not sure what, though."

I took a mock bow to the best of my ability while seated. "Thank you, m'lady. I try."

She groaned and rolled her eyes. The reaction quad-fecta. Perhaps a smarter pony would have made the connection that all of these expressions were related to my aptitude for nonsense, but such trivial matters were below my notice.

I finished my smoothie and rose to leave, when Berry spoke up. "Awww, leaving so soon?"

I shrugged my still-bound wings in a mildly painful gesture of apology. "Afraid so. I'm on night shift tomorrow, and I need to get some rest. I'll swing by again tomorrow, though."

She nodded. "Alright, very well then. I'll hold you to that."

I waved to her as I walked towards the door. "You can count on me. Goodnight, Berry."

Returning my wave, she called after me "Night, Dave."

I stepped out into the blissful night air. I’d noticed that since my arrival here, I’d been much more sensitive to the air currents around me, seemingly in tune with every breath of wind. I supposed it was a pegasus thing, and didn't question it too deeply. I was walking home as the exhaustion hit me. I yawned mightily, my limbs suddenly feeling quite heavy.

I nearly got lost a few times on the way home, the only thing that saved me was my knowledge of the landmarks. Soon enough I approached the place that had become a home for me since my arrival, the colorful flowers in the planter by the door acting as a beacon to guide me home.

Only moments after I had walked in, I was in bed and thoroughly racked out. Just before I had laid down, I'd set my watch to go off at thirteen hundred. This way, I could get the sleep I needed but also have time to hang out with Joy before work.

My watch sounded at its designated time, rousing me from my slumber. My mouth was so dry it was struck together. As I stretched, I caught a whiff of myself… yep, that's the last time I would go to bed without a shower. Climbing to my hooves, I set off for the shower. The shower was invigorating, and I stepped from my ablution feeling like a whole new pony.

Based on a lack of directions to the contrary, I assumed I was permitted in the fridge. As I opened said cold storage device, I saw a pair of little brown paper sacks with my name on them. One said brunch, the other said dinner. Though I might be a bit slow on the uptake, even I could figure this one out. What I couldn't figure out was when Joy had made the time to make this for me… I seriously owed this mare.

About then, an idea that had been floating around in my head for a while burst to the forefront of my mind: with my first payday, I was going to treat Joy to a night on the town to repay her for all she'd done for me. I was going to take her out on a date… something about it just seemed right.

I grabbed the pair of sacks to place them in my saddlebags, but as I removed them from the shelf, my attention was caught by a scrap of paper that had been placed beneath them. I placed the bags into my pouches and turned back to investigate the note.

"Dave, I had to run to the market to buy some vegetables. You have obviously found the meals I made for you, but remember that those are for your shift tonight. Don't eat them too soon, or you'll be hungry later. If you are hungry when you wake up, there's food on the counter. I should be back by fifteen hundred, and I'm excited to hear about your first day. I'll see you when I get home.

-Joy"

Seriously, did this mare ever sleep? She got off shift after I did, yet she was up before me and out shopping? I was more than a bit concerned that she was sacrificing her health to better care for me. I could tell she had a nurturing instinct, but I'd be damned before I let her run herself ragged on my behalf… we were going to have a talk when she got back… in two hours or so. To pass the time, I walked back to the living room, and approached a phonograph that I had spied earlier. Beside the archaic looking device was a stack of records, and I gently flipped through them. One caught my eye, and I pulled it out for closer inspection.

It was something by "Steedivarious", though I couldn't tell exactly what since the label was so worn. Gingerly, I removed it from the cardboard sleeve and placed it on the device. I cranked the handle carefully, winding the spring inside. I flipped the lever and slowly guided the needle to the record. At first it was little but static pops and clicks, but soon a haunting melody began to emerge.

I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing myself to be swept away by the music. The melody brought me back to the meadow with Joy, sitting under the shade of the oak tree. I could almost feel the warmth of the sun upon my hide, hear the wind dancing in the leaves. I opened my eyes with a huge smile upon my face, feeling singularly at ease.

I turned around and was going to head back to the table and grab something to eat, when I saw something so shocking it almost caused me to trip. Sitting in the chair across from the couch I was using as a bed was Nurse Redheart, sipping on a cup of something, most likely tea. That was not surprising. What was surprising was the fact that she was smiling, a sight that was both heartwarming and a bit disconcerting. Strange combination, I know, but in light of the talk we had the other day, it was not unwarranted. Holding the smile on my face, I greeted her.

"Good afternoon, Miss Redheart. How are you today?"

"Good afternoon to you too, Dave. Good to see you are finally awake… I thought I might have to grab a stick and begin poking you."

This caught me entirely off guard. Not only did I not expect her to be so pleasant, the fact that she was cracking jokes at me was beyond my comprehension. She seemed to pick up on this and spoke up. "Oh, come on Dave. I hope you'll not be holding our last exchange against me. After all, didn't I say you two had my blessing?"

Stumbling over my own tongue, I blundered an answer. "Y… yes ma'am, you did. I suppose I was just caught a bit off guard by your joke. I suppose you could say that your first impression was a memorable one."

She nodded once, primly. "As was my intent. Tell me, Dave: if you were a stallion with questionable motives, would you have continued to stay here after that exchange?”

I shook my head. "Not if I had an ounce of sense. Then again, I'm not entirely sure that I do, so this becomes a conundrum."

Miss Redheart waved a hoof, dismissing the notion. "Dave, you sell yourself short. You're rather intelligent, and quite crafty. At least, that is what I have heard about you from Joy and Clements."

Cocky my head, I racked my brain for a pony by that name. "I'm not sure I'm familiar with Clements. Are you sure we've met?"

Miss Redheart seemed bemused by this. "Well, you were mopping the hallways with him last night, so I should think so."

About that time, the light bulb flickered on in my mind. "Ahhh. He'd introduced himself as Scruffy, not as Clements."

"Yes, he does prefer that name to his formal one. I honestly don't see why… Clements sounds so much nicer than Scruffy."

"Perhaps… but you have to admit, Scruffy seems to suit him."

She grimaced slightly at this. "Well, I suppose there is no accounting for taste."

My stomach decided to interject into our dialogue, and loudly at that. I quickly excused myself and made a beeline towards the food on the counter. As I opened the container, I saw that the food was a salad consisting mostly of beans and sprouts of some sort, though there were some flowers mixed in as well. I helped myself to a plate of the stuff, and after grabbing a clip-fork (fork-clip?) I took the tray in my mouth and wandered back to the couch.

As I sat down, the overture of the last song faded away, and a new melody began in its stead. Where the last piece called forth imagery of a sunlit afternoon, the current piece called forth imagery of a winter's night, the pale beams of a full moon glinting softly off the snow. It was a cold and desolate piece, though beautiful in its own right. I excused myself ahead of time for eating during our conversation, though Nurse Redheart waved it off with a hoof. As I ate, Nurse Redheart and I held a light conversation about things like the weather and about the sketchy playground equipment at the school house. She was especially interested in the latter, and she even listed off a series of accidents and injuries that had been caused by the faulty equipment. We spoke for a while about the different places in town, and it was interesting to get the opinion of somepony else when it came to the various establishments in town. As time wore on and the both of us opened up a bit and became more comfortable amongst each other, it became apparent where Joy's nurturing instinct came from.

Nurse Redheart was an extremely gentle soul, and it was obvious that she loved her daughter with all her heart. Honestly, it was pretty touching to see how much love there was between these two mares. We passed the time in this manner, and almost before we knew it, there was the sound of the door opening and closing. From the entryway, Joy's voice called out. "Anypony home?"

From the living room, I called back. "Nope. Nopony in here."

I could hear the smile in her voice as she replied, and it brought a smile to my face. "Hey there, nopony. Want to give me a hoof putting all this stuff away?"

"No problem. Be there in a second."

I turned to Nurse Redheart, excusing myself for a few minutes. She nodded and waved me off with a hoof as she lost herself in the music. I stood and headed into the kitchen, and I damn near fell on my face in shock when I arrived in the dining room. There were bags everywhere. There is no way in Equestria that she had carried all of that from the market. Even as I thought this though, I saw the faint sheen of sweat on her brow. Friggin unicorns and their friggin cheating magic… if I had tried to carry all of this, I might have died. Joy simply looked a bit winded, but nothing that would indicate the enormity of the task she had just undertaken.

Damn… where can I get myself one of those horn things? By the time we had all of the groceries squirreled away into the various cupboards, it was nearly sixteen hundred. As Joy went to take a quick shower before work, I did the dishes. I surprised myself with this, but in the end I assumed it was from guilt at not carrying the groceries for Joy. By the time the last utensil was cleaned and put away, Joy was emerging from the shower. Once I had gathered up my mess and packed it away into my saddlebags, I went to wait by the door. In just a moment's time, Joy was by my side in her nurse regalia, and we left the house a moment later. As we walked to the clinic side by side, I filled her in on my shift the night before. I had just concluded my riveting tale of hallway sanitation when we walked through the door. Joy gave me a hug as we went our separate ways.

It only took a moment for me to get to the janitorial grotto. As I walked in, Scruffy was in the same place he had been the night before. "Evening, Scruffy. How are you tonight?"

"Same as ever."

So, cryptic it was. This suited me just fine, and I was just going to ask one more question for the night… if I could help it, that is. "Scruffy, when do you want me to start on the cleaning?"

He leisurely flipped the page before replying. "Huh. About an hour, go ahead and do it then."

Checking my watch, I made a note of the time and then checked for further instructions. "Alright. Anything else?"

Another page turned. "Nope."

Well then. That's that, I suppose. I had about an hour to kill before I started cleaning, so I grabbed the newspaper and began to read about pretty much the same stories as yesterday. Apparently, one of the fillies at the school had been injured on the playground equipment, and as a result the entire recess area had been closed until it could be fixed. As I thought more about this, I wondered if there might be something I could do about it. I might not be able to repair the more damaged areas, but I should be able to get at least part of the playground safe to use again. Once I got off shift, I would head over to the school and see what I could do about fixing the equipment.

Casting a glance at my watch, I saw that it was about time to start cleaning. After donning my utility barding, I struck out towards the supply closet on the top floor. As I walked, I kept thinking about the playground. It was Thursday night, and depending on what time I got off, I might be able to run by the school and investigate the equipment. As it was right now though, I could not rely on getting off at a reasonable time. My shift yesterday had been nearly twelve hours long, and there was no reason to believe that this would be any different.

Soon enough I had reached the top floor (I called the third floor the top floor since the fourth was essentially off limits) and retrieved the cleaning supplies. Much the same as the previous night, I swept and mopped with the same diligence that I had seen displayed the previous night by Scruffy. By the time I had finished with all three floors, I was pretty beat. I was sweating a little bit, and my neck was sore from maneuvering the bucket and mop all over the place, but I was entirely too pleased with how clean everything was for my own good. It was almost intoxicating, this sense of accomplishment. Just like day before, I had finished up at about zero three. Granted, we had finished a bit sooner the night before, but there had also been more ponies working as well.

I returned to the grotto and was simply stunned by the sight I beheld: Scruffy's chair was vacant. I felt like my entire life was a lie. Once I had kicked my melodramatic streak though, I figured that he was just checking behind me. This guess proved true as the janitor entered a few minutes later. He gave me what I took for an approving nod before addressing me. "You did a fine job. Wish I had something else for you to do right now, but I don't. Take an hour for lunch; be back here at zero four."

I gave a nod to the affirmative. "Can do. See you at zero four."

With that, I turned and left. I should have plenty of time to evaluate the state of the playground and still grab a smoothie and chat with Berry for a bit. Determined to accomplish this mission I had given myself, and also feeling mildly motivated to do some exercise, I ended up taking off towards the school at a quick jog. After about three blocks, I sped myself up to a run as I warmed up. The pavement flew beneath my hooves like nothing, and I felt not even the slightest hint of exhaustion. I again kicked up the speed to what must have been a dead sprint, and I began to feel the first hints of fatigue creeping up on me. All too soon, the school came into view and I dropped my speed to a slow jog to cool down. I looked at my watch, and I had to stare at it for a few seconds before I finally believed it. I had run about three miles in a bit over ten minutes. Holy crap, I loved having four legs.

As the adrenaline slowly faded, I walked over to look over the equipment. At first, it looked simple enough. There was some corrosion and some loose nuts and bolts, but nothing too serious at all. One of the pieces was wrapped up in warning tape, likely the scene of the accident earlier. As I looked closer, I could see where one of the struts on the climbing gym had broken. Looking closely at the breaking point, I could see that it was a fatigue fracture. If you take a paperclip and bend it back and forth repeatedly, it will break. Each time it bends, it forms small stress cracks. Over time these build up, and if not addressed they can cause a catastrophic failure of structural integrity.

To put it simply, it will break. This is a fatigue fracture, and that is exactly what had happened here. Looking at the other struts and cross members, it was clear that it was a widespread problem. I moved from one piece of equipment to another, and over all, everything was in pretty good condition. It could all be fixed with a bit of elbow grease and some time… everything but the climbing gym, that is. That would require some extra loving to get back to operational status. My assessment concluded, I picked up a canter towards Berry's.

Once I had warmed back up, I moved on into a dead sprint, reveling in the feeling of speed and of freedom. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, I was turning the corner to Berry's. Again I slowed to allow myself a cool down period, and by the time I was at her door I had nearly caught my breath.

I was breathing a bit heavily and sweating slightly as I walked into the shop, and DAMN it felt good. As much as I complain about it, I do love a good run. Berry however, must not have been expecting a pumped up pegasus to come sauntering through her door, and she regarded me wearily for a moment before speaking.

"Well… where's the fire?"

Still breathing a bit heavily, I tried to slow my heartbeat between words of my response. "No fire. I just felt like going for a run… I feel pretty pumped right now."

She just looked incredulous at that. "Now I've seen everything… a pegasus that likes to run. Go figure. You are a strange one, Flyboy."

I beamed at this. "I try. Thank you for noticing."

"Yeah yeah, I'm amazing.” Berry punctuated this last exchange with a casual wave of her hoof. She spoke up again before I had a chance to. "Same thing as last night, Flyboy?"

I tapped my chin with a hoof, contemplating. "You know, I'll have to come up with a nickname for you now. Can't let you have all the fun, now can I?"

She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Was that a yes?"

She had set me up to use one of my favorite words, and I couldn't pass it up. "Indubitably."

My reply was met by a blank stare. Berry just shook her head and began to make me one anyways. By the time she had finished I had already fished the bits from my saddlebags and stacked them neatly on the counter. The exchange was made and I took the same seat I had the night before. As she had the night before, Berry once again sat across from me. In time, this would become our routine each night. We would regale each other with stories from our lives over a smoothie. For that night, however, I only had a limited amount of time to spend, and soon I had to leave to report back to Scruffy. Waving farewell, I set back out to the clinic in the same manner as I'd gotten everywhere else that night. I arrived precisely at zero three forty, and had plenty of time to catch my breath and calm the beating of my heart.

I spent a few minutes conversing with Nurse Tenderheart, who was still covering the front desk. She told me that Joy had been looking for me earlier, but that something had come up a little while ago and she was going to be occupied for a bit. I nodded and thanked her before setting off to the sanitation alcove. When I walked in, everything was right in the universe: Scruffy was seated in the place of honor, his customary newspaper opened to some unknowable story. Before I even spoke up, he beat me to it. "You're early."

Almost on reflex, I replied. "Ten minutes early is on time. On time is ten minutes late, and late is wrong."

Scruffy seemed to think about this for a moment before grunting and nodding. I took a seat across from him, and popped open a newspaper of my own, reading the words without anything sinking in. I was pondering how best to fix the playground equipment so the young ones could have a place to frolic during their free period. I was so deep in thought that I almost didn't hear Scruffy clear his throat to get my attention. Looking up at him, he simply jerked his head towards the door, indicating that I was free to leave. I nodded and disrobed of my utility barding, hanging it up on my way out. As I walked out the door, I could have sworn I heard Scruffy mumble "congratulations", though I couldn't be sure. I was debating waiting for Joy on the bench where I had met her that first day, but as soon as I stepped outside I decided it was simply too beautiful not to go running again.

I popped back into the reception area to let Nurse Tenderheart know that I was going for a run, and that if Joy was still here when I got back I would walk her home. She nodded in acknowledgment, and I turned around and started off at a slow jog. Even though I had been running for a good while by this point, I felt nothing of the exhaustion one would expect. The sun was just beginning to light the horizon as I slowly increased my speed. Once again I had settled into what should have been nothing less than an all-out sprint, yet I felt very little exertion from it.

To my surprise, I discovered that I could push myself farther yet, my legs a veritable blur beneath me. I soon left the metropolitan area of Ponyville (if you could call it that) and was threading my way through the outskirts. I must have run at least halfway around the town before I slowed to a canter to check my watch. Only twenty minutes had elapsed since I had left the clinic, so I picked my pace back up and circled back. On the way back, the exertion finally began to catch up to me, and I could feel my lungs burning as my legs grew steadily heavier.

I pushed through despite this, and by the time I had arrived at the clinic I was completely winded, gasping for breath. I stretched out my muscles as best I could, wiping away the sweat on my brow. I took a few moments to breathe deeply and calm my racing pulse.

All of the exertion had taken its toll on my damaged muscles, and they burned in protest. I reached into the bag and pulled out my dose of painkillers and swallowed it dry.

At least, I tried to. My throat was so dry the medication only made it halfway. Reluctantly, I dragged my sweaty, smelly self inside to get some water. As I was passing through the halls on my way to the latrine, I couldn't help but notice that I was being stared at by everypony I walked past. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what everypony was staring at. Every nurse I passed did the same thing. By the time I had arrived at the latrine I was one paranoid parrot. I must have something horrible attached to me, or perhaps my wings had fallen off… it only took a single glance at the mirror to calm my fears… and also to boost my ego to dangerous levels.

As I looked in the mirror, I barely recognized the pegasus staring back at me. My coat was slightly darker and matted with perspiration, causing it to lay flat and subsequently showcase every one of my muscles. My healthy diet and constant exercise had contributed to my lean and muscular physique, and each one of the muscle groups was slightly swollen from the exertion, causing them to stand out more than usual. Between the swelling and the matted coat, I looked like I was chiseled from stone. Despite my tendency to exaggerate my own physical condition to cater to my ego, even I had to admit that I looked amazing. Suddenly all of the stares made sense. I had an ego to stoke, so I quickly drank from the tap and sauntered back to the exit, basking in the warmth of the open mouth staring that I was receiving.

As I walked through the door to the lobby, Joy caught sight of me from the corner of her eye and turned to greet me. Whatever she had been about to say died on her lips as her mouth fell open, eyes widening to the size of dinner plates. She was turning a bit red in the cheeks as I approached. I spoke up, my voice still a little shaky from the run.

"You ready to go? I kinda need to take a shower."

It seemed to be all she could manage to nod. I began to walk out of the clinic when I noticed that she was not by my side. I turned to look back and see what was keeping her, and I kinda wished I didn't. At the very least, there were eight pairs of eyes fixed on my hindquarters as I walked away. Yep, this had just gone from being really good for my ego to pretty damned creepy in ten seconds flat. Unconsciously, my tail swished, and that seemed to break the trance. All eight pairs of eyes broke free from their previous target to meet my gaze. All eight pairs suddenly looked elsewhere, every pony to whom they belonged turning quite red.

I decided I would wait outside for Joy. I had barely stepped through the door before I heard Joy approaching from behind. I quickly looked back to confirm it was her, and I was rewarded with seeing her sporting a "deer-in-the-headlights" look as I caught her staring at my flank. She pulled her tried and true "tomato" impression, much to my amusement. We walked in silence for a few moments before she spoke up. "Ahhh… so… ummm… you look… different… "

Tossing my head to get some sweaty bangs out of my eyes, I looked at her as I replied. "Heh… yeah, I went for a run this morning. It feels great to exercise again."

She flushed just a little bit harder. "You look… really good… yeah."

I grinned at her, going a little bit red myself. "Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself… "

At this, Joy hung her head. "Yeah right. I wish I had a figure like that… "

"Want this one?" I punctuated this question with a wink, reducing her to a stuttering mess again. This was simply too much fun… she tried valiantly to recover.

Blushing furiously, she tried to stammer out a reply. "I… um… well… "

I cut her off before she got too far. "If you like, we could work out sometime. It's not hard, you just have to stick with it. That's all it takes."

Joy seemed to contemplate this for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Actually, that sounds wonderful. I'd like that very much."

I beamed at her. "Great! All we have to do now is find the time for it."

The conversation continued in much the same fashion for the rest of the walk home. As we neared the house, I mentioned my plan to try and fix up some of the playground fixtures at the school, an idea that Joy simply fell in love with. She was very proud of me for wanting to go the extra mile to help out, and she even volunteered to help. There is no way I could possibly say no. Even if not for the puppy dog eyes and the very obvious satisfaction it would bring her to do something for the foals, there is no way to deny the value of having cheating unicorn magic on your team… especially when you lack opposable thumbs.

As it turned out, we both had the day off Saturday, so we decided that we would borrow some tools from Scruffy and see what we could do to fix the playground fixtures. Before we knew it, our conversation had made the distance disappear, and we were standing on the porch. My exhaustion crashed down upon me like a tidal wave, and I could do nothing to stifle a yawn. Of course, this made Joy yawn as well, which made me want to yawn… I barged into the house before we were trapped in a recursive cycle of yawning for all of eternity.

All I wanted to do was go to bed…

But first, a shower.

4: The Park

By the time I had showered and gotten to bed, it was already nearly zero six, and I was so exhausted I think I might have fallen asleep even before my head had hit the pillow.

You know the expression "let sleeping dogs lie"? Well, apparently Joy didn't.

I was roused abruptly from my slumber by the sensation of being caught up in a magnitude seven earthquake. My initial instinct was to flop about and scream like a frightened child, but that was quelled before it began by the delightful sound that accompanied the quake. "Dave Dave Dave wake up wake up! C'mon, sleepyhead. Get up!"

Ah, Joy. My blessing; my curse. I would be the one to bond with the single-perkiest morning mare I had ever met, now wouldn't I… as I attempted to still my racing heart, I took a series of deep breaths before looking up at this biological alarm clock.

Joy was grinning ear to ear, bursting with excitement for some unfathomable reason or another. As much as I wanted to be cranky for my abrupt awakening, I simply could not. Have I mentioned before that this mare is too damned cute for her own good? She is too cute for my own good, as well. Makes sense if you don't think about it.

In spite of myself, I cracked a wan smile back at the mare. "Joy? You know I'm not a morning pony, right?"

Her chipper smile never waned. "I gathered, yes. But that's okay, because it's the afternoon now."

I once upon a time had the ability to restrain from facehoofing. As Joy answered my question, a little pony in the back of my head was narrating my thoughts. 'Dave has the ability to withhold a facehoof… aaaand it's gone.'

And then I facehoofed.

It might be the afternoon, but I didn't have enough sleep for this. From the other side of my hoof, I could hear Joy snickering at my reaction. My, how the tables had turned.

Groaning, I attempted to stand. I really wasn't all that surprised when my limbs only half-heartedly responded to my will, allowing me to rise a couple inches before flopping back down. I was a pegasus… I didn't need these friggin limbs, right? Good, that's what I thought. If ever these appendages decided to obey my commands, all of Equestria would tremble before the mighty pounding of my hooves; hooves that bowed to my will and did as I pleased!

Did I mention that I wasn't quite awake yet?

I must have zoned out again, because Joy interrupted my fantasy by waving a hoof in front of my face. Blinking in confusion, I stared at her for a moment. She was returning my gaze with an expectant look. I broke the silence this time. "May I… help you?"

Wrong answer. Her expectant gaze morphed into an almost maniacal smile as her horn began to glow. I felt the effervescent glow of her magic wrap around me, and I knew that I had inadvertently boned myself, having somehow sprung her trap, the effect of which was unknown.

Ah, bone me running. Why do I always do this? One of these days, I'll actually remember to think before I speak, and when that happens, look out world! I'll be unstoppable. In the meantime though, I was set down a bit roughly by the front door.

I'm certain it was not Joy's intent to drop me like a hot potato, but what should have been a graceful landing was pretty much spoiled by a lack of cooperation from my supporting appendages. She regarded me with an ashamed look, as if appalled that she had dropped her charge so roughly, but I waved her off with a casual hoof. "Meh, it's not so bad. After all, I've had much harder landings recently."

Her worries assuaged, Joy took off down the hallway, turning a corner before disappearing up the stairs. I stood at the threshold of Casa Redheart, wallowing in a pit of jealousy at the incredible display of early morning coordination I had just witnessed. When I grow up, I want to be able to do that.

My envious funk was dispelled by a set of riveting blue orbs that were positively luminous in contrast to the gloom of the hallway. As she exited the hallway and stepped into the better-lit foyer area, Joy was simply radiant. Her eyes shone like diamonds, twinkling like stars in the night sky in the glow from her eager smile.

Though I still had no idea what exactly it was that I had gotten myself into, seeing the unadulterated glee that possessed Joy had left me with a strange sense of excitement as well. As rapt as I was at the sight of this splendid mare, I failed to notice the blue glow approaching from my right until it was too late. My daze was abruptly broken by the impact of my saddlebags against my ribs. I hissed at the contact, as much from the pain as from the breaking of my trance.

"I'm so sorry, Dave! I thought you would grab them, or…something. Are you okay?" Joy blushed heavily in shame at having injured me a second time in less than five minutes, and I tried to dismiss her concerns with a casual wave of the hoof, to moderate effect.

"Heh… my hoof-eye coordination is a bit… lacking when I wake up." My speech was slurred a bit, but my point was made.

She shot me a sarcastically raised eyebrow. "You don't say?"

Shut the front door. Was Joy using sarcasm? I… I think I need to lie down…

Joy could clearly see she had won this round, and took a bit more pleasure from this than might be necessary. And you know what? I couldn't even be upset at this. She was in such a good humor that it was impossible to be unhappy in her presence, and for the first time in a long while I remembered how infectious a good mood could be. I finished affixing my saddlebags as Joy opened up the door, reveling in the light of the mid-afternoon sun.

She was simply radiant. To call her anything less would be tantamount to an insult.

She opened her eyes, shaking off her reverie, and cast a glance back over her shoulder at me. The only way I can possibly describe the expression she shot me would be to call it "smoldering". Her half-lidded eyes, her single raised eyebrow, the smirk she wore, and the way she was looking over her shoulder at me all conspired to stir feelings in a part of me that was not allowed to feel things.

She held her gaze for but a moment before she casually flicked her mane and took off out the door, her words trailing behind her. "Are you coming or not?"

Not yet, I'm not… but if you keep that up…

I violently shook my head to derail that train of thought as I called back a more appropriate response. "Yeah, I'm going, I'm going…"

I walked out the door, squinting a moment in the bright sunlight as my eyes adjusted. I closed the door behind me and quickened my pace to catch up to Joy, who had opted not to wait for me. With no small amount of bitterness, I internally scolded my mutinous limbs.

'Oh, sure… you bastards can't be bothered to catch me when I'm dropped a meter onto the tile, but when it comes time to follow a magnificent flank, all the sudden you guys are in perfect working order. Soon as my wings are healed, the lot of you are going to be out of a job.'

A swish of color somewhere ahead of me caught my attention. My eyes automatically focused on the movement to identify it, and it turned out that it was just Joy's tail. But the universe and the powers that be apparently weren't satisfied that I knew I was but an object of their amusement; As soon as my eyes had locked on the swishy object in front of me, Joy cast a glance back at me.

And just like that, I had been caught staring at her flanks… even though I wasn’t. I could feel my cheeks getting rosy, a sensation that was becoming entirely too common as of late. Just before I hung my head in shame, I caught sight of a devious glint in this cerulean mare's eye.

There was no way… she couldn't have… I don’t think… son of a bitch.

She did it on purpose. She swished her tail to catch my attention, and then looked back to make me feel like I'd been caught doing something naughty. And much to my chagrin, it worked. What had happened to that shy nurse from the first night? Not only was she not blushing as much as she did before, now she was using sarcasm and was trolling me?

Either she was a damned quick learner, or she was getting used to me and opening up a bit more. One way or the other, I was going to have to stay on my toes around this crafty mare. To preclude further shenanigans, I decided the safest place to be was most certainly not right behind Joy. Though, the view was pretty nice…Back on track, Casanova.

I drew up abreast of Joy, and I swear she looked a little disappointed. Before she had another chance to mess with me before my brain fully warmed up, I decided I had a few questions to ask, starting with the obvious one. "So, Joy… where are we going?"

Still walking steadily ahead, she replied without breaking step. "Remember the thing we talked about last night? About fixing up the playground?"

I cocked my head. "Ummm… yes, yes I do. But I thought we were going to do that on Saturday?"

"We are," came her reply. Being cryptic, are we. Fine then.

Still confused, I tried to get to the bottom of this. "Joy, you are aware that today is Friday, right?"

Her reply was sharp, and she shot me a half-hearted glare from the corner of her eye. "I know what day it is, Dave."

I grimaced, recoiling slightly from the unexpected response. "Alright, alright… I didn't mean to push any buttons. I'm just not quite sure what we are doing, is all."

"Dave, I swear… sometimes you can be so dense…" At this, Joy cast a sidelong glance at me along with a smile, indicating that she was just poking fun. Good thing, too… I might have been a bit indignant if not for the easy smile she wore.

Now that I knew I was being toyed with, I decided to join in the fun. "Only sometimes?"

This drew a full-fledged smile from Joy. "Well… most of the time. Part of your charm, I suppose." At this, we shared a look and a bit of a giggle.

If there's something I'm good at, it's making fun of myself. "Well, seeing as how I am charmingly dense, why don't you break it down for me?"

Joy rolled her eyes dramatically. "I guess I'll have to. I asked you if you remembered the plan. I never said we would actually be doing it, now did I?" I shook my head. She continued. "Right. Well, I wanted to gather a few things today, so we wouldn’t have to do it tomorrow. That way, we will have more time to actually fix things."

Finally understanding a bit, I nodded. "Makes perfect sense. So, what all are we going to pick up?"

Slowing to walk by my side, she looked at me expectantly. "I was hoping you could tell me, actually. You're the one that actually looked over the equipment, so it stands to reason that you know what we'd need to fix it."

Oh. Right. I thought back to my walkthrough. "Huh. Give me a minute to think about what we'll need."

"Only a minute, huh?" She asked, sporting that grin again.

"Well… maybe a few minutes…" This elicited another laugh from the both of us. I reflected back on everything I had seen the night before. For the most part, everything was in decent enough condition and could be fixed up with a coat of paint. That which wasn't in such good repair could easily be swapped out with some new timber… the question is, how much timber would we need?

Most of the cross members are about a shoulder and a half long, and from what I saw, there were about a half dozen that would need replacing. So, about nine shoulders, plus another half shoulder or so to compensate for errors in measurement.

Fixing a reasonable figure in my head, I looked up at Joy. She was walking absentmindedly next to me, humming something I couldn’t quite recognize. I cleared my throat to get her attention, causing her to pause in the midst of a verse and regard me skeptically. "So, I figured out how much material we need."

She raised an eyebrow at this. "Alright, what did you come up with?"

"By my estimation, we will need about ten shoulders of timber, a box of nails, some paint supplies, and some two-part epoxy" I said, matter-of-factly.

Joy had been nodding in agreement with my list right up until I had listed off the epoxy. "Epoxy? What for?"

"Unless that talented horn of yours can fix iron as well as it can fix ponies, we'll need it for the jungle gym." Joy's' eyebrows raised in a gesture of understanding. She seemingly drifted off, lost in thought. I took a moment to try and figure out where exactly we were in town, twisting and turning my neck to locate some landmarks. Once I had succeeded in that, it only took me a moment to figure out that we were in the northwest sector of town, a place I had yet to visit. This section of town was filled with blank façades of buildings, their unmarked faces giving no indication as to what they held.

Interspersed randomly amongst the blank buildings were assorted specialty shops. Among the ones that caught my eye was one which only sold quills and couches. Before I could give myself a headache trying to figure out how a place like that stayed in business very long, I let it go and filed it under "things that just… are", a mental filing cabinet that was getting more and more cramped by the hour.

Finally, we arrived at our destination: a tiny little shop by the name of "Screwball's". Can you guess what they sold here? If you guessed sports equipment and hardware, give yourself a pat on the back. The first word that came to mind when I saw the store was "hovel", though it was hardly accurate. The store might have been a bit cozy, and the lighting left something to be desired, but the entire store was immaculate from top to bottom. Not a single item was out of place, nor was there a speck of dust to be found.

As I meandered through the aisles, I could see that even the nails were lined up in an orderly fashion. This was either the product of that cheating unicorn magic I was so jealous of, or a sign of some sort of compulsive disorder. As I looked away from the somewhat entrancing sight of so many small parts aligned dress-right-dress, I was relieved to see that it was the former of the two possibilities. Looking up from behind a desk littered with small tools of various shapes and sizes was a grandfatherly looking unicorn, bespectacled as he was by several sets of lenses attached to a most unusual pair of glasses.

It became clear to me what the glasses were for as I walked towards him to ask for assistance. Each of the assorted lenses was attached to the frame of the spectacles by a fine brass armature, and I recognized it as a variable-magnification pair of jewelers' glasses. I greeted the unicorn with a polite bow of my head.

He returned the gesture in kind, concluding the formalities, and we got down to business. "Afternoon, sir. Do you carry lumber here?"

The elder unicorn tapped his hoof to his chin for a moment as he thought. "Usually just from the wagon into the back of the store, as much as I can help it."

I was torn between facehoofing and chuckling, but I opted for the second option. The rest of the transaction passed in much the same way, and by the time I had acquired everything we would need I was in pretty good spirits. At some point in our banter, Joy had come up behind me and was giggling like a school filly by the end of it. I paid for the materials, placing the paint, the brushes, and the nails into my saddlebags. Despite holding three gallons of paint each (in addition to all the other crud in there), the saddlebags did not bulge in the slightest to betray their contents.

Yet another thing to file away in that over-stuffed cabinet in my head…

Once the owner heard what the supplies were for, he not only gave us a ten percent discount on everything we bought, but he also promised to deliver the timber to the schoolyard in the morning, free of charge. Upon hearing the news, Joy looked so happy she could cry. As we settled the tab and thanked the owner again, I took a moment to introduce myself, reaching out for a hoofshake.

"Sir, thank you again for everything. It occurs to me now that I have been quite rude, and have not introduced myself. My name is Dave, and I am truly pleased to make your acquaintance, Mister…?" The owner met my hoof with his, and let me tell you; his appearance of age belied his vigor.

"Ash. Ash Longshank. Good to meet you, too. It's refreshing to see that young ponies still have manners these days. Sometimes, I wonder…bah, that's a story for another day. Dave, would you care to introduce me to this darling mare accompanying you?" Hearing herself referred to as 'darling' by this gentlecolt made Joy blush deeply, though she could not hide her smile. I proceeded to introduce her.

"This lovely mare right here's named Joy." Hearing her name, Joy reached out a hoof and favored Ash with a bashful smile a certain butter-colored pegasus would be proud of. If her blush was red before, it became positively crimson at what Ash did next. Taking her hoof in his, he gave it a quick peck.

"Pleased to meet you, Miss Joy." Joy just sort of sat there for a moment in shock, slowly turning darker and darker shades of scarlet. I decided to try and intervene on her behalf, as she had done for me on more than one occasion.

"Aaaannndd… she's gone,” I remarked. “You'll have to pardon her, Ash. She is sadly unfamiliar with the concept of chivalry, and I'm fairly certain she wasn't prepared for that."

Ash looked positively chastised at this, and quickly apologized. "I beg your pardon, Miss Joy. I didn't mean to distress you."

Joy seemed to rouse at this, and she quickly spoke up to reassure Ash that he had done nothing out of line. "Oh, no, no… it's nothing like that, Ash. I'm just…not very used to receiving kindness, that's all. Well, before this colt came along, that is."

The frosty glare that Ash had affixed me with at the "kindness" remark melted away as Joy concluded her statement, nodding her head in my direction. Before things had a chance to get awkward again, I interjected a farewell. Perhaps I cut the conversation off a bit abruptly, but there didn't appear to be any hard feelings among those present. With a final wave goodbye, Joy and I exited the hardware and sports shop.

We were headed back in the general direction of our domicile when a random question bubbled to the top of my head. Being entirely stumped by this question, I decided to ask Joy what she thought. "Hey, Joy?"

She blinked twice in confusion before answering. "Huh? What's up, Dave?"

"I was wondering… What are the hours of operation for Berry's?"

She scrunched up her brow as she contemplated the answer. "Huh… that… that is a really good question."

"So, you're saying you don't know?"

She shrugged at my question. "I never really thought about it. Give me a minute to think…"

I saw my opening and I took it. "Only a minute?" I cocked my eyebrow, feeling smug.

Joy shot me a mock-angry glare. "Hey, that's my line, buddy."

To this, I just smiled. It was nice to not be on the defensive again. As Joy tried to puzzle out Berry's hours of operation, she began to mumble to herself. I walked a bit closer, trying to listen in on her ramblings.

"Well… she caters to the clinic staff during the night shift… but she is also open during the day for the rest of the town… when does she sleep?"

From there, her grumblings grew quieter and more jumbled to the point that they were incomprehensible. Several moments passed before she spoke up.

"Well… her usual hours are from around zero six to about twenty-two… but you said she was there at four something last night?"

"Almost. I went by there at right around zero three."

"Hmmm… was she expecting you?"

I shrugged. "Possibly. I'd mentioned that I'd be stopping by last night, but I never said when."

"Well, I suppose it's possible that she waited for you, as unlikely as it seems. That's the best explanation I can come up with, even if it does have a few holes in it."

I simply shrugged again. Into the filing cabinet it goes… I was in the midst of contemplating what might happen if this filing cabinet of mine ever overflowed when my stomach interrupted my thought process. I was about to reiterate the concerns voiced by my gastrointestinal tract when Joy preempted me.

"I heard that. We're almost home… think you can survive that long?"

Sighing dramatically, I replied "I'll do my best."

"Atta boy."

I stuck my tongue out at her. I was standing behind and slightly to the right of Joy, well out of her line of sight, so I pretty much figured she would be none the wiser to my antics.

One of these days, I'll learn.

Through some form of cheating unicorn magic or another, I was proved wrong. Even as I began to retract my tongue it was surrounded by a deep blue glow. The effervescent aura wrapped around the offending appendage, preventing me from returning it to its rightful place in my mouth. Even as the situation registered in my mind, a voice called out from ahead of me.

"Dave, you seem to have dropped this. Don't worry, I'll hold on to it for you."

"Wha? Gimme bath ma thung!"

"Dave, don't talk with your mouth full. It's not polite."

"Buth you goth my thung!"

"I've already asked you not to talk with your mouth full. Besides, it's hard to understand you with your hoof in your mouth like that."

Damn… I was going to need some ice for that burn. I began wondering when Joy was going to let me go… her point had been made, and she didn't seem like one to humiliate somepony by parading them around town by their tongue, and yet my tongue was still firmly in her grasp. Just as I was becoming convinced that she intended to do just that, the blue aura faded, and my tongue retreated back to its normal position like a scalded wiener dog.

Don't ask how I come up with these similes… I'm not even sure.

As I worked my jaw in circles to restore feeling, again I heard Joy call out from ahead.

"Learned your lesson?"

"Yes… 'never stick your tongue out at unicorns with eyes in the backs of their heads'."

Joy shot me a sidelong glance before rolling her eyes in frustration. I swear, if she kept doing that, one day they were just going to keep rolling and she'd end up looking like Derpy.

"Hey, Joy? All shenanigans aside, how'd you do that?"

My question caught her off guard, and she actually smiled a bit as she explained herself.

"It was actually an accident. We were discussing your imminent starvation, and after you failed to respond to my last rebuttal, I went to bop your nose. As I gathered the magic, what should I happen to find but a tongue? I figured you must have dropped it, so I picked it up for you. No need to thank me, though. Just doing my part."

I had to hoof it to her, that was pretty crafty. Underhooved, but crafty.

As we walked into the house, my stomach reminded everypony within earshot that it still had not been fed. Joy whipped up a quick meal, comprising of a few sandwiches and a side of some sort of bean…abomination. Concoction, I mean. Concoction, not abomination. Anyways, our dinner consisted of sandwiches and a side of beans, which was actually much tastier than it sounded.
After the beast within my gut had been satisfied, Joy began to ask questions about our upcoming exercise regimen. I'd almost forgotten about that…

"So, when do we start?"

I paused, thinking for a moment before I answered. "Probably Sunday." I gathered the plates from the table, carrying them to the sink.

"Why not today?"Joy asked, rather impatiently.

"Because we just ate, and you might just see it again if we were to exercise right now." Turning on the water, I began to scrub the plates.

"Well… why not later? Or in the morning?" As Joy spoke, she joined me at the sink and Began to lather plates with me.

"Neither one of those would be a good idea, since we are going to be doing a lot of manual labor tomorrow."

She sighed, defeated. "Alright, fine. So, what are we doing on Sunday?"

I shrugged, placing a dish in the drying rack. "Honestly, it depends on several factors. Most important will be how dead we are from working on the playground tomorrow. We'll just go from there."

She looked up at me inquisitively. "Several factors, huh? What are the other ones?"

I couldn't tell if she really wanted to know, or if she was just trying to call my bluff. Either way, I answered as best I could.

"Well, let me respond to your question with one of my own. What are you trying to get out of this? Are you looking to get slimmer, build muscle, or just get toned?"

After thinking for a brief moment, she responded "I'd say… get toned."

I nodded in agreement. "For that, we'll just stick to my old routine. Cardio three days a week, muscle failure two days a week, one day of resistance training, and a day of rest. Sound good?"

Passing me a dish to dry, Joy faltered slightly. "Actually, when you say it like that…it's a bit intimidating."

I gave her a reassuring smile. "All you have to do is give it your all. Do that, and the rest will fall into place."

"I guess…" She mumbled.

Drying the last of the dishes, I turned to face her. "Trust me. It will suck, but it will get easier the more you do it."

Meeting my gaze, she rolled her eyes at me. "Well, that inspires confidence…"

"Hey, it's what I do." I concluded my remark with a wink and my best "used car salesman" smile. Joy remained skeptical. We continued to discuss our plans for the coming weeks, and the more we talked about the subject of exercise, the more excited Joy grew.

It was about nineteen hundred when she finally snapped. "I can't wait… I'm too excited. Could we start tonight?"

I sighed, already seeing how this was going to play out. "Joy, didn’t we already go over this?"

Her enthusiasm wasn't so easily stopped. "Well, yeah… but what if we take it slow? Call it a warm up or something?"

I shrugged at this, voicing my misgivings. "I'm not sure it's a good idea. After all, what if you wear yourself out tonight? We won't be very effective tomorrow if we can barely walk."

"Well… you might not be…" Joy punctuated her remark by tapping the tip of her horn.

Damned cheating magical appendages… I've got to get one of those. Hmmm… if I did get one, would I become an Alicorn? If I was an Alicorn, would I be a prince? Wait… that Blueblood fellow is a prince… so I'd be above him… in theory anyways… a Jack? Is there such thing as a Jack in the hierarchy of a monarchy? I am not qualified for anything above that, really. Actually, to be honest, I'm pretty sure "court jester" is out of my qualifications range. Hmmm…

Again, I was snapped from my reverie by a hoof waving in front of my face.

"Dave, has anypony ever told you that you zone out entirely too frequently?"

I shrugged. "A time or five. Anyways, back to the matter at hoof."

Her entire body perked up in anticipation. "Yes?"

I sighed, admitting defeat. "If you are so dead set on this, we could go for a sedate little jog tonight. Nothing crazy, just something to get the blood pumping. Sound good?"

Joy's reply was a nearly bone-crushing hug. Even through the haze of medication, the pain was still plenty sharp enough to elicit a wince from me. Joy released her grip, still beaming ear to ear.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Let's get going!"

I got to my hooves with a sigh and headed out the door. What had I gotten myself into? I hadn't even hydrated properly… this was going to suck.

I just hoped that Joy would give out before I did… otherwise, this would be pretty embarrassing.

No sooner had we stepped outside than Joy took off running. I called out to her. "Joy! Where are you going?"

She stopped abruptly, turning to face me. "Ummm… running?"

"Without stretching?"

At this, she simply hung her head and began to walk back.

After a few minutes of stretching, I figured we were about as ready as we would ever be. Signaling to Joy, I started off at a brisk trot. As per the instructions I had given while we were stretching, Joy remained by my side. As we warmed up from a trot into a light canter, Joy kept asking to run faster.

"I thought we were going to get some cardio?"

"We are," I replied evenly.

Joy groaned in annoyance. "Not at this pace, we aren't."

"That's because we are still warming up."

"Can we warm up faster?"

I shook my head at this. "That wouldn't be a good idea."

"Why not?" She whined.

"Trust me on this one," I said.

As we had been conversing, I had slowly but steadily sped up, and Joy's reply was cut off as she began to focus on her breathing. And so it began.

We were running at a moderate pace over flat ground, and the amount of effort I had to put into my stride was almost non-existent. Joy, on the other hoof, seemed to be having a much rougher time of it.

I observed her as best I could while the two of us were running and avoiding hazards in the road; I soon began to pick out things that she could improve on.

First was her stride. The only way to describe it would be to call it 'stiff'. As she ran, her legs remained almost straight, both on the push off and the forward stroke, and it was taking a toll on her stamina. There was no fluid movement, only a jerky scuttle.

The next thing I noticed was being compounded by the first: Joy's breathing was coming in short, rapid breaths. She was not expanding her lungs as fully as she could, reducing her oxygen intake.

Finally, there was her pacing. Rather, her lack thereof. Even though I was running next to her and keeping a steady pace, she kept alternately pulling ahead and falling behind. She would sprint to catch up and wind up ahead of me, then slow down to match my speed and end up falling behind, and the cycle would repeat. We had only gone about two kilometers before I brought us to a halt.

Despite her best attempts to hide it, her stamina was just about gone. I had her walking in place to keep moving once we stopped, to prevent lactic acid from building up in her muscles. As she walked in slow circles around me, I gave her a few pointers on her form and her breathing. Did I expect this to make an immediate, significant impact on her running? No, I did not. Did I expect it to make enough of an impact to make her realize the validity of my advice? Without a doubt.

Once Joy had gotten her breath under control, we set off back towards the house. As soon as the pace picked up, the difference was clear. Though her stride could still use some work, it was much more fluid than it had been. Likewise, her breathing was more even, more measured. Her pace still sucked, but she was doing much better at keeping next to me.

Despite the improvements, we had only made it about halfway back before I noticed her breathing growing shallow and ragged again, her steps becoming more erratic. Immediately, I brought us to a full stop and had Joy stand in place for a moment. As she stood, she swayed slightly on her hooves, and she was blinking rapidly as if she was trying to clear her vision.

"Joy? Joy, are you okay?"

"I feel… a bit… dizzy." She spoke between deep breaths.

"Joy, come here. We're going to walk back now, but I want you to lean against me, okay?"

She complied without a complaint. I recognized her symptoms from my own past, having had them myself on several occasions. She was dehydrated, and her blood wasn't carrying enough oxygen to her brain, causing mild disorientation and dizziness.

I have to admit, I enjoyed the feeling of this mare leaning against me more than I probably should have. In my defense though, she seemed to enjoy it as well. By the time we drew near the house, her breathing had slowed to normal levels, as had her pulse, yet she still leaned against me. I wasn't going to complain, though.

Once we arrived back at the house, we took a solid ten minutes to do some deep stretching, trying to force out as much of the built up lactic acid as we could.

On a completely unrelated note, the hamstring stretch looks extremely provocative when a mare does it…just sayin'. As we were stretching, I decided to take a moment to give Joy some feedback from the run.

"You might have gotten off to a rough start, but on the way back you were doing MUCH better. With a bit more practice, you'll be running fifteen kilometers like nothing."

"Heh. How far did we run tonight? Ten?" She punctuated her question with a cocky smile.

"Ummm… about three and a half." I almost felt bad for saying it.

Her expression and voice were deadpan. "Three and a half?"

I nodded once. "Yeah, that's about right."

She hung her head a bit, ears drooping. "Wow… I thought we ran a lot farther than that… now I feel out of shape."

I put a hoof on her shoulder, causing her to look up at me."Compared to the first time I ran, you are doing pretty darn well." I gave her an earnest smile.

Her cocky grin returned once more, and with a haughty tone to boot. "You don't need to try and make me feel better. I appreciate it and all, but it isn't necessary. If I view this as a failure, then I'll just try that much harder next time."

I contemplated this for a moment before I replied with a maniacal grin. "In that case… that was supposed to be a forty-five click run. Looks like you've got some work ahead of you!"

Her ears fell again, and this time she stuck out her tongue. "You're mean…"

Joy replied with a grin, and I could see the gears in her head turning as she contemplated the challenge before her. With a brief nod, she accepted the challenge.

"Hey, Dave?"

I looked up from the gravel I was trying to dislodge from my hoof shoe. "What's up?"

She rewarded me with a warm smile. "Thank you. I enjoyed that, even though it was a lot harder than I expected."

I couldn't help myself, and responded with "That's what she said."

Joy cocked her head to the side in bewilderment. "What who said?"

This was a can of worms I really didn't feel like opening just yet, and so I deflected the question as best I could. "Just… never mind. I'll explain it later, alright?"

"Who is this 'she' you're talking about? I'm confused."

"It's a joke where I come from. Like I said, I'll get into it later. First, I think we both need to hit the showers."

Sniffing inquisitively at herself, Joy blanched. "Yuck… you're right about that."

I shot her a satisfied look. "I told you so. Also, you are going to want to drink a LOT of water tonight. And stretch, too."

Again, she deadpanned. "Dave. I'm a nurse, remember?"

Abashed, I rubbed the back of my neck. "Heh… right. Sorry…"

She replied with a sly grin. "It's alright. Say, think you could help me wash my back? It's just so hard to reach… I could really use a big, strong stallion to help me get those… hard to reach places…"

What.

ERROR 404: BRAIN NOT FOUND.

In my mind, there was chaos. I had one pony throwing a fit, screaming "DO IT!" over and over and over, there was another who was telling me that I shouldn't do it for some reason or another, another was crying in the corner, and one simply looked around and said "fuck it" while putting on some shades. Shades Pony then took a seat in a plastic lawn chair before yelling "PUNCH OUT! PUNCH OUT! PUNCH OUT!" and pulling a mysterious handle, causing him to rocket away on a tower of flames and smoke. Lawn chair… ejection seat?

Somepony, somewhere, must have pulled the plug, seeing as how everything went white for a second before my eyes were able to focus again. Whatever happened must have caused a hard reset, because I was once again aware of my surroundings. Namely, I was aware of the mare whose face was extremely proximal to mine. She must have seen the light come on in my head, because she spoke up as soon as my brain started to function again.

"You're so cute when you're flustered. Has anypony ever told you that?"

"Homina… homina… homina…"

"I thought as much. I'll be upstairs…" Joy punctuated this last phrase with a wink as she swished away from me, across the threshold and into the gloom of the interior.

After another moment had passed, I shook the images from my brain and headed into the house. As soon as the door closed behind me, the shower upstairs came to life. I was now faced with what might be one of the most difficult choices I've had to make in several years.

Straight ahead was the hallway which led to the stairs. To my right lay the living room and the guest shower. Within the next thirty seconds, I would be in a shower, one way or the other. Choices, choices. My hooves began to move of their own accord, in a predictable direction. Of course, leave it to these four yahoos to make up my mind for me. Even as I was taking the first step towards the hallway, I knew it wasn't right.

As much as I wanted to, (and you can bet a shiny nickel that I wanted to) I knew deep down that nothing good would come of it. Nothing good ever came from rushing headlong into these situations. Finally demonstrating an ability to force my limbs to bend to my will, I turned away from the hallway and the stairs therein, heading to the guest shower instead. Without stopping to let the water heat up, I stripped out of my saddlebags and stepped right into the arctic runoff of the shower. Even this frigid deluge took a moment to clear my mind, stripping away my thoughts one by one, until there were but two thoughts remaining.

The first thought that remained was simply the knowledge that I had done the right thing. By no means was it easy to do, but that just made all the more satisfying to have done.

The second thought was a much simpler one, untainted by various perceptions of right and wrong, moral and reprehensible, or good and bad. It was simply: "I am fucking freezing."

I stayed in the shower until I was shaking so hard it was difficult to stand. Vaguely, I realized that I was far more resistant to cold than I had been in the past, another side effect of being a pegasus, I supposed. Even after I had toweled off, I was still shivering violently from the cold. Perhaps I overdid it a little… oh well. It had the desired effect in that it had clarified my mind, allowing me to see things objectively.

Still shivering, I made my way out to the living room, quite intent on flopping into bed and bundling up in as many sheets as I could wrap around myself. My plans were nearly derailed as I beheld a sight that made me consider returning to the shower.

Stretched out on the bed was Joy, lying on her side with her head propped up with a hoof.

Paint her like one of your French mares.

Shut up, brain. Don't make me stab you with a Q-tip.

Just as I was debating a return to the shower, I was wracked by an especially powerful, convulsive shiver that drove me to my knees. About this time, Joy grasped the fact that I was shivering violently, something she had failed to notice earlier in the dim light. All traces of anything other than a nurse disappeared in an instant as Joy rushed over to evaluate me.

As soon as she laid a hoof on me, her demeanor took on a hard edge.

"Dave, why are you so cold?"

I shivered out a reply. "I n-needed a c-cold sh-shower."

She raised an eyebrow, trying to evaluate my idiocy. "How long were you in there?"

I shrugged, a gesture that was lost among the shivering. "A w-while."

Not bothering to ask questions to which there were obvious answers, Nurse Joy wrapped me in her magical embrace and set me roughly on the couch-bed. I was immediately mummified in blankets as Nurse Joy disappeared from sight for a moment, only to return with a thermometer. I opened my mouth to accept the instrument, and as the seconds ticked by Nurse Joy's expression grew more and more concerned.

In an instant, I had been de-mummified as all of the blankets were removed from my body. Before I had time to ponder this, my entire back was set aflame. I tried to shimmy away from the burning feeling, only to find a pair of cerulean forelegs wrapped tightly around me, holding me fast. Every part of my skin that they touched burned as if immolated. I tried to shimmy out of this infernal grasp, only to find myself held tighter.

In my ear, a familiar voice whispered to me.

"Dave, stop fighting me. This is for your own good; you are nearly hypothermic, and I'm using my body heat to warm you. You need to relax and let Nurse Joy do her job, okay? Okay? Just relax, Dave, just be calm…"

By Celestia's sweet, fiery nethers, I was going to die. I was going to burn to death. I trusted Joy, I really and truly did. Even so, it was almost impossible to quell my urge to struggle, my urge to scream. If not for Joy's constant reassurances in my ear, I don't think I could have done it. Not on my own. But I did it, and the burning eventually subsided to a more manageable pain, a deep ache. I began to regain feeling I didn't know I'd lost as the warmth returned slowly to me. As I lay there, Joy's hooves began to knead my extremities, causing a fresh hell of pins and needles. It was a bit comical to think that all of this was because of a cold shower…

In a few minutes the pins and needles had subsided, though Joy's hooves had not. I heard Joy remark to herself that my body temperature was nearing a normal level, though whatever came after that was lost to me. Something about friction, I think.

Joy's hooves became restless, venturing closer and closer to areas they ought not touch. I had held out hope that this was just part of her previous method to restore blood flow, but it soon became clear that the blood flow she was encouraging was not one I was comfortable with.

"Joy… please. Don't do this."

"Do what, Dave? I'm just checking your capillary response, and ensuring that everything works as it should…"

"Joy, you know what I mean. Please…"

Her demeanor cracked a little, shifting away from that of a medical professional towards that of a disappointed mare.

"Don't worry, Dave; I know what I'm doing."

"That's the least of my concerns…"

Even in the midst of my protests, her restless hooves ventured ever nearer. Frustrated, I shimmied from her grasp while she was focused on… other things… and pulled myself to a sitting position just out of hooves' reach. Her expression momentarily waxed towards petulant, but quickly settled on defeated. She too pulled herself to a sitting position, facing my direction though avoiding my gaze.

In a mousey, defeated tone, she asked "What am I doing wrong?"

That caught me off guard.

"Pardon?"

She sighed, staring intently at the carpet. "I don't know what else to do. I've done everything I could think of… and nothing worked."

This did nothing to alleviate my confusion. "What, exactly, are you trying to do?"

She said nothing, but her blush was all the answer I needed.

"Joy…why are you trying to make… that happen?"

She buried her face in her arms before going silent. Just as I was about to ask once more, she spoke in subdued tones. "In all the books I've read, the dashing stallion always ends up rutting the beautiful maiden, and they live happily ever after, the end."

Must. Not. Facehoof. Breathe deeply, think, and then reply.

"Joy… these books to which you refer. Do they have pictures of obscenely handsome stallions and impossibly pretty mares on their covers?"

She nodded.

"And are these books full of… love-making scenes described in exquisite detail?"

Another nod, accompanied by a deeper blush.

Son of a… why couldn't this be easy? It would be just my luck that this mare would have built her concept of romance on a foundation of trashy novels.

"Joy… you know that I'm not very… elegant… when it comes to explaining things. That said, you'll have to forgive me if this seems… blunt."

Hoo boy, here we go. Take a deep breath, and go for it.

"Those stories… well, that's just it. They're stories. They portray… an… unrealistic portrait of romance. I'm hesitant to even call it that. In real life, ponies typically do not fall in love at first sight, nor do they find their one true love on the first try, or wind up making love to ponies they just met. For every successful love story, there are at least a dozen failed ones. It sucks, and it hurts, but that's just how it happens. On the flip side, when you do find that special somepony, it makes it that much sweeter."

Joy was sitting just across from me and had begun weeping silently, and yet I knew there was nothing to do but continue.

"The thing is… those novels have almost nothing in common with real life… well, except for the physical portions. I hate to say it, I really do…but…any concept of what love is like that you got from those books…it's probably best to let them go."

Joy's shoulders drooped even lower, if such a thing was even possible… well, I've done a fine job of crushing her dreams and discrediting everything she thought she knew about love… I'd better wrap this up before she melts into the sofa…

"There is some good news in all of this though… I'm a firm believer that if you bring up a problem, you should also bring a solution. Well, I have a solution that you can take or leave at your discretion. Ummm… since I pretty much… sunk… what you knew about love, my offer is simply this: I'll teach you what I know."

For the first time since I started talking, Joy looked me in the eye. She looked… vulnerable, scared, hopeful… and fragile. So very, very fragile. I needed to pick my next words very carefully.

"The thing is, Joy… I like you. I like you a lot more than I probably should for how long we've known each other. I get the feeling you know exactly what I'm talking about."

Joy simply gave a nod to confirm, still fixing me with those hopeful eyes.

"This… complicates things, though. When you feel that way about somepony, you sometimes listen to your heart and ignore your brain. Sometimes… sometimes your heart is wrong. But by the time you figure that out, everything is moving too fast, spiraling out of control with no way to stop. And that's how ponies get hurt, how hearts get broken. This terrifies me, especially with you. You are without a doubt the sweetest mare I've ever met. I want nothing but the best for you, and you deserve nothing less."

Behind the tears, there was a glimmer of pride in Joy's eyes.

"On the other hoof, you've never experienced heartbreak. You've never learned to cope with the pain, never had to build walls to protect yourself, and never had to tear down the walls somepony else has built to protect themselves. Hopefully, you'll never experience the first two."

Behind this last sentence was an unspoken promise. 'You'll never have to experience the first two if I can be the pony you need, the pony you deserve.' Joy was a sharp mare, and she undoubtedly picked up on the unspoken promise. Not only that, but she picked up the cue for her to ask the one question that needed to be asked, the one question I wished I could avoid.

"Dave? Have you… have you ever loved somepony… and had your heart broken?"

Deep breath, then answer her truthfully.

"Yes. Yes I have… it… it's very painful to talk about… I'm sorry, I can't say anymore than that right now… let's just say… my walls are higher than most, and leave it at that. At least, for now… okay?"

"Oh… okay." She looked a bit troubled at this, but said nothing more.

"Well… like I was saying earlier… I'll teach you what I know about love… if you want me to, that is."

Joy performed some odd sort of waddle-scooting motion, and brought herself to within embracing distance.

"Dave, I can think of nothing better."

And then, we kissed. It wasn't some quick little peck, nor was it a passionate kiss based on ulterior motives. No, this kiss was more than just a kiss: it was a promise.

At some point, I had fallen asleep in the company of this most wonderful of mares, though exactly when that might have been, I could not say. This was the second time in less than a week that we had "slept together" (gasp! naughty ponies!), though the method of awakening was infinitely more pleasant this time around.

By some mechanism or another, Joy had ended up in possession of about eighty-five percent of the covers (no surprise there) and about sixty percent of the real estate on the bed (again, not surprising). I woke up with the first rays of dawn, having no covers under which to seek refuge.

Stretching languidly, I indulged in an enormous yawn, squinting my eyes shut. This has to be one of the top ten best feelings ever. Remaining sprawled out from the yawn, I managed to crack open an eyeball to survey my surroundings. My investigation halted as soon as it began.

Not more than a hoof's distance away from my face lay Joy, snuggled up in the covers in such a way as to be entirely obscured, except for her snout, her eyes, her horn, and a single unruly tuft of royal blue mane.

My heart cannot take all this cute so early in the morning. I must have died and gone to heaven or something… that would explain the angel that lay in front of me. I decided it would be best if I just laid there and watched her sleep. Creepy? Perhaps. Is it creepy when you watch a kitten napping? Same concept, only about seven times cuter. I noticed at about that time that Joy snores in her sleep. It was a very dainty, very faint sound, but it was definitely there. Okay, about twelve times cuter. My heart… it hurts… this is how I die. Yep, I'm totally okay with this.

Joy must have been able to read my thoughts (there is a reason I keep coming back to this… her timing is too damned perfect for this not to be a possibility), because she began to stir once I started saying my goodbyes to this world.

From the depths of her cover-chrysalis, her left eye popped open a fraction of the way, just enough for the underlying orb to scan the surroundings. It floated aimlessly for a moment before locking on my gaze. She must not have been expecting somepony to be watching her, because a split second after that azure orb locked on my gaze, both eyes opened simultaneously, wide with shock. Once they focused on my face and registered what pony it belonged to, the lids drooped back to half mast, fixing me with a dreamy gaze. I could stare into those eyes all day… The azure eyes widened once again, though for reasons that were not immediately apparent.

And just like that, they were gone, as the mare they belonged to made a beeline for the guest bathroom. This struck me as rather humorous, and I chuckled heartily at the situation.

Bad idea.

Apparently, my bladder hadn't realized that it was full to bursting until I began to laugh. An instant later I was on my hooves, making a beeline for the latrine. As I skid to a halt outside the door, the sound of a flush forced me to squeeze my legs closed so that I didn’t make a puddle on the floor. The sound of more water running signified a thorough hoof-washing.

Very thorough.

How long does it take to wash your damn hooves, especially with tricksy unicorn wizardry?

Impatiently, I rapped on the door to remind her that there were other ponies in this house with biological needs.

My prayers were answered a moment later as the tap was shut off, followed by the sound of hooves on a towel. Yes, yes, dry your hooves and then move it,missy.

After an eternity the door finally swung open, and without a moment's hesitation I swooped through and paid my homage to the porcelain god, with gusto.

After washing my hooves (a process that seemed hundreds of times swifter from this side of the door), I sauntered back into the living room, feeling like a new pony. Joy had flopped unceremoniously back onto the couch-bed, sprawled on her back in a very… revealing… manner. Averting my eyes, I cleared my throat to alert her to my presence in the room. The only response this elicited from her was a half-roll, so that she was positioned on her stomach in a much less exposed manner.

In a role reversal that I never thought I'd see, not only was I awake and functioning before Joy was, I was doing it on limbs that carried out my bidding and bent to my will, no less. Today was going to be a good day. Well, it would be, if I could get Joy off of the couch-bed in a timely manner. I approached her, savoring the opportunity to pester her until she was awake.

I figured I'd be nice, so I settled for poking her in the cutie mark with a hoof until she got up. After a few jabs, she tried to whip my hoof with her tail, but she was no match for my cat-like reflexes.

A few more pokes, and she groaned something into the pillow she had buried her face in. I hadn't the foggiest as to what she'd said, so I kept poking away. Sooner or later, she would have to get up. Another flurry of flank-jabs, and again, a mumbled response, muffled by the pillow.

"What was that, Joy? Keep poking? Well, if you insist."

Jab jab jab jab. Jabba jab jab. Poke. Jab.

This time, Joy motioned me to come close so she could tell me something.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer still… by this time, my ear was damn near pressed to her muzzle. Or at least it would be, if said muzzle wasn't buried in a pillow. I mentally braced myself for a hoof-to-noggin transfer of kinetic energy.

Once again, this mare outsmarted me. As my ear was positioned mere centimeters away from her face, Joy did something… devious.

Lifting her head from the pillow to position her nose in physical contact with my ear, she whispered breathily, purring each word.

"You keep teasing me like that, I'll have to make you finish what you started."

And the cherry on top? She punctuated her ultimatum with a quick nibble on my ear.

Oh, hey… yeah, I just remembered that I had some business to take care of… in the bathroom… yeah… okay thanks bye!

I made my way to the latrine as quickly as I could, something that grew more difficult with each step; certain obstacles seemed to swell up from out of nowhere… [insert phallic innuendo here] You get the point. [zing!]

After splashing my… face… with cold water a few times, I managed to regain control of myself. Taking a moment to ensure my control was complete, I dared to venture back out to the living room.

Note to self: Perhaps Joy did learn something from those romance novels after all. Exercise caution.

Joy was exactly where I'd left her. If we didn't get going soon, we might not be at the playground in time to receive the lumber that Ash was going to be delivering. Seeing as playing nice had gotten me nowhere, I decided that more drastic measures were in order. I noisily walked into the kitchen, and proceeded to open the fridge before calling out quite loudly,

"Who left this box of cupcakes here?"

I had just finished my inquisitive exclamation, and I withdrew my head from the icebox to watch Joy come around the corner. There was just one problem.

Joy was already standing directly in front of me. As is my custom, I expressed my alarm at her presence, which was most unusual for a variety of factors. First, was the fact that an entire second had not yet passed since I concluded my declaration, and yet here she stood.

Second; I found the fact that she had moved such a distance so quickly, but also silently, to be stupendously disconcerting. It should go without saying that I communicated the aforementioned notions in a straightforward and logical manner, utilizing my expansive vernacular prowess to its fullest extent. So, in essence, this:

"HOLY SHI-WHAT THE FU-SON OF A-MOTHER--!"

Now, try to scream that at the top of your lungs in under a second. Behold my masterpiece.

*Pro tip: practice this at full volume in public places. Hilarity ensues.*

Joy was visibly shaken by my outburst, though I was a little preoccupied with preventing my heart from exploding to take much notice. After a series of deep breathing exercises, I managed to get my heart rate down under a hundred and fifty beats per minute.

By the time I had stifled the heart attack, I looked up to see a positively downtrodden Joy.

"I'm sorry, Joy. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that… you just gave me quite the fright is all."

Joy looked perplexed for a moment before responding with a voice that was veritably dripping with disappointment.

"It's not the yelling… you said there were cupcakes…"

Ah, there it is. I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like to be an inconsiderate ass, but I sure do recall the feeling now, by golly.

"I'm sorry about that. It was the first thing that popped into my head when I was trying to get you out of bed this morning."

"Get me out of bed? Did you consider asking that I get up? Or telling me that it was time to get up so we could do great things in the name of Celestia?"

Dammit… I was sucking at life today.

"… No…"

"So, instead of asking me to get up, or informing me that we needed to get moving to get things done, you decided it would be best to trick me?"

"I tried poking you…"

At this, Joy cracked an absentminded grin, as if recalling a fond childhood memory.

"Yeah…that felt nice…"

Note to self, part two: No touching of Cutie Marks. Period.

I interrupted her daydream. "Anyways… I tell you what. After we finish up at the playground, we can go by that bakery in town that you were talking about the other day, and I'll buy us some cupcakes then. Deal?"

"Deal."

We shook on it, each of us with a smile on our face. After feasting heartily on a high carb and protein filled breakfast to fuel our labors, we packed a light lunch to take with us. By the time we actually set out to the clinic, it was barely zero nine. After borrowing a few tools from the spare toolbox (with Scruffy's blessing, of course), we set off towards the schoolhouse.

We arrived at about half past the hour, and immediately set to work. The bits of equipment that could be fixed with the least work were tackled first, and within an hour we had over half of the equipment as good as new. Joy volunteered to paint the finished sets while I got started on the rest. One of the diagonal support beams on the swing set was badly splintered and rotting, so that was the first thing to go.

Retrieving a timber from the stack Ash had dropped off this morning would have been a truly daunting task if not for this nifty tool he left us. He had christened it the "Log Dog", and the moniker was quite fitting. Basically, it was quite similar to a pair of pliers, only the "pliers" portion had been replaced by a set of opposing pincers to grasp the log, and the other end was attached to a harness. The harder you pull, the harder the Log Dog gripped.

Even with the benefit of the Log Dog, hauling the timber was no easy feat. I was feeling a bit of a burn by the time I had arrived at the swings, and I took a moment to be thankful there were only four of the timbers. Once I had the beam where it was needed, I made short work of measuring and cutting it to the proper dimensions. From the time the timber was placed to the time everything had been cut, shaped, and nailed together, only ten minutes had elapsed.

All of the smaller pieces had been taken care of and restored to a serviceable condition before lunch, meaning the only remaining fixture in disrepair was the jungle gym. It might better be described as a miniature timber castle, seeing as how it was composed of a number of different levels, slides, and rope-and-plank bridges. The floor boards were in the best shape out of all the components of the castle, likely having been replaced semi-recently.

In spite of many years of obviously heavy usage, the structure as a whole was remarkably sound. A few cross-members were showing signs of decay, and at least one showed signs of what appeared to be parasprite bites, but aside from that everything was essentially intact.

Displaying her knack for impeccable timing, Joy showed up just as I was contemplating the best way to simultaneously hold the beam over my head and nail it in place.

"Need a hoof?"

I thought about it for a second before replying. "Hoof? No. But I sure could use one of those 'horn' thingies right about now…"

"A horn, you say? Too bad there aren't any incredibly talented, beautiful, and just generally amazing unicorns around here." Joy was tapping a hoof to her chin thoughtfully, staring into the distance as she said this last bit.

"Yeah, too bad. Would you happen to know of a unicorn such as this, who might be willing to help?" Joy was staring daggers at me for my retort, gasping in an overly-dramatic fashion. I cut off her inevitable reply with one of my own. "Wait! I know just the mare for the job. Anypony know how to contact Trixie?"

I only just managed to dodge the hoof aimed at my head, and I decided that it might be time to deep six the shenanigans before I got myself in trouble.

"Oh, Joy! I didn't see you there. You know what; I was just looking for you. I just happen to require a mare of your specific qualifications."

She raised an eyebrow, undeniably contemplating where she was going to hit me next. "Oh? And what qualifications are those?"

"Incredibly talented, beautiful, and just generally amazing."

Joy narrowed her eyes at me, probably debating taking another crack at my noggin.

She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm… Where have I heard that before, I wonder?"

"I have no idea. But you are the mare for the job, without a doubt. So, care to put that horn of yours to work?"

Again, Joy surprised me. You know the "I'm watching you" gesture? I never thought that it would translate into equestrian, but lo and behold, there it was. Joy pointed her hoof at her eyes and then at me, narrowing her eyes. My life was now complete.

Once our tomfoolery drew to a close, the remainder of the repairs went rather quickly, aided as they were by this cheating unicorn magic that I was increasingly jealous of. I'm not sure if it was that I was actually jealous of the magic, or if I was just missing my opposable thumbs, but either way I wanted to get me some of that dang magic voodoo stuff.

After we repaired the last of the wooden beams, I moved on towards that which actually prompted me to undertake this project in the first place: the metal supports for the bridge anchors. It would seem that being used as a plaything for hundreds of foals over the years can be detrimental to the overall structural integrity of just about anything. Imagine that…

My follow up to my initial investigation upheld my earlier conclusion. Every one of the four support poles that held tension on the rope-and-plank bridge was in the midst of a fatigue induced fracture, though to varying degrees. The one that had broken and sent a filly for a tumble was still lying where it had come to rest, still connected to the guide wire.

It took almost half an hour, a bit of swearing, a lot of Macguyvering, and several attempts, but eventually we had managed to persuade the broken support to fit back together into the stump it had broken off of. And by persuaded, I mean that we mercilessly beat it into submission to make it fit.

Once it was firmly in place, I had Joy mix up a heaping helping of the epoxy. Why would I have her do it? It's simple, really. Epoxy doesn’t stick to magic. This meant there was little chance of one of us accidentally permanently affixing ourselves to the playground equipment. As soon as the mixture was thoroughly blended, Joy smeared copious amounts of the stuff on all four of the anchor poles at their weakest points. Ugly as it might have looked, if this compound was really as tough as it said on the packaging, then what was once the weakest point on the structure just became the strongest by a factor of five or so.

As soon as the epoxy cured, the structure would be fit to play on again. It was already getting into the late afternoon hours by the time we had finished. Taking a moment to survey the fruits of our labor, I could not help but feel extremely accomplished. Casting a sidelong glance at Joy, I could see that she felt the same, though to a greater extent. It felt very rewarding to know that with a little bit of elbow grease, ingenuity, and initiative we had given something back to the community, something that would leave a lasting imprint on the children; the future.

As I walked flank to flank with Joy, I could feel the strain of the day pressing down on me. Right about then, all I wanted was a nice, hot shower, and to cuddle up next to Joy to the soundtrack of Steedivarious. Yeah… that sounded wonderful right about now… the rest of the walk home, I was trying to figure out a way to convince Joy to relax with me to the tune of classical music.

By the time we got home, I had a plan.

Author's Notes:

Last Edited 22 NOV 15

5: The Day Shift

Actually, I lied. There was no plan… unless "winging it" counts as a plan…

I tried to think of one… I really did. It's just that whenever I tried… my mind started wandering into bad places as soon as contemplated what came after I got Joy into bed. I wanted to be a good pony, but there were just so many ways the situation could (and likely would) spiral out of control.

It's okay… it's not like there's any sort of correlation between planning and success, anyways.

Yep, I'm doomed.

Immediately after we walked in the door, Joy and I split and went our separate ways; she went to the shower upstairs, and I made my way to the guest shower. Unbuckling the saddlebags and sliding them to the ground, I could feel the deep ache of the days’ exertion slowly taking hold. In an effort to save myself some soreness in the morning, I turned the water up as high as I was comfortable with. While I showered, I stretched my sore limbs, ignoring their protests. Oh, you don't like to be stretched right now? Take that, you miserable traitors. I must say, it was very nice to be able to punish these rebellious limbs, even a little bit. Once I had scrubbed the grime, sweat, and dirt from my coat, I felt like a new pegasus.

Mentally bracing myself for the pain that would inevitably follow, I decided to try and extend my wings. Since I’d arrived, they had been bound to my sides at all times, and the thought occurred to me that I had never actually seen them fully extended. Taking a deep breath, I slowly eased them out from my sides. It hurt, there was no denying that… but it wasn't the same pain I was used to. Instead of the sharp, stabbing sensation that normally permeated my chest, it was more of a deep tightness across my chest and back.

In spite of the resistance, I gently coaxed them farther and farther open; the deep ache across the flight muscles melted into a warm bliss. I have to say, it felt simply amazing. The warm water of the shower was hitting places that had previously been hidden behind my wings, and the feeling was sublime. And then, the hot water ran out.

Sighing, I turned off the tap and coaxed my wings back into their position by my side. It had already been nearly a week since I'd made my entrance, and I figured they were healed enough to be unbound for a bit. Toweling off, I headed back out to the living room. Perhaps it shouldn't have surprised me that Joy was already done with her shower and was patiently waiting in the living room.

But it did.

Joy was lying on the couch-bed, her mane still wrapped up in a towel, humming softly to herself. At the sound of my approach, she looked at me briefly before averting her eyes with a slight blush.

… The hell? I thought she was done being the shy little pony that I had met at the hospital. And yet, here she was. I quickly looked myself over to make sure I wasn't sporting any… potentially embarrassing manifestations of excitement. Nope, I was in the clear for that. Then why was she acting so strange?

The silence between us stretched on for a few seconds before she finally took a deep, resigned sigh and spoke up. "Dave… I feel like a foal for asking, but could you do me a favor?"

I shot her a bemused look as I quipped, "I'm terrible at baking and worse at math. As long as it doesn't involve either of those, I should be able to help."

And there goes the forehead-penis look again. She seemed caught off guard by my nonsense, and even cracked a bit of a smile. She was managing to hide behind her towel-mane in a manner that was so adorable I just wanted to hug her…

I took a step forward to do just that when I was stopped dead by her next sentence. "Could you… if you don't mind… I know it's an odd request… would you help me… brush my mane?"

Do the whatnow? "Pardon?"

A slight blush crept across her cheeks as she hesitated slightly. "I… I overexerted my magic today, and now my horn is sore. Otherwise, I'd just brush my own mane. But I can't right now… would you help me?"

All of my yes. All of it. "Of course, I'll help you. After all, what’re friends for?"

I was trying valiantly to hide my grin. Joy reached up with one hoof and undid the towel, letting her damp mane spill down around her neck and shoulders. Weighed down as it was by the additional mass of the water, her mane hung nearly straight down instead of its usually poofy appearance. I took a moment to revel in the sight. Wet mane is best mane.

In front of me, a brush levitated, surrounded by a wavering blue glow. I scooped it out of the air, the glow trailing it like a mist as it dissipated.

I fastened the brush to my hoof and was about to start brushing when I was struck by an idea. "Hold on a second, Joy. I'll be right back."

Before she had a chance to protest, and with the brush still on my hoof, I hobbled over to the record player and cranked it with my mouth. The record was still in place from the other day, so all I had to do once it was cranked was reposition the needle. This accomplished, a soft static permeated the room as I hobbled back to the couch-bed. Just as I got situated, the record began to play.

The joyous melody floated through the room, and I gently began to brush.

Well, I thought I was being gentle. Joy had a slightly different opinion. "Ow… don't pull so hard."

Sheepishly, I mumbled, "Sorry."

Joy winced a bit as I snagged a tangle. "Gentle on the scalp, jeez… I have a sensitive head."

I couldn’t help myself, and responded reflexively. "That's what he said."

Naturally, this drew a questioning "Who said what now?"

Not wanting to get into a complicated and potentially uncomfortable explanation, I tried to brush her question aside. "Never mind." I was banking on her being too comfortable to question me too deeply on the matter.

"I'm so confused… " was her beleaguered reply.

Silently thanking the powers that be for this small favor, I cooed softly as I deflected her further. "Shhh… don't worry about it. Just… relax."

Eventually I found my stride, and Joy seemed to be really enjoying herself. The track on the phonograph changed to a more somber tone, though it too was beautiful in its own right. I let myself be carried away by the music, floating along the imagery it conjured in my mind.

Vaguely, I became aware of a soft voice in front of me. Opening eyes I didn't recall closing, I zeroed in on the source. At some point, Joy had lain down on the couch-bed, resting her head on her front hooves. I was lying next to her at a slight angle, so that my shoulders were closer than my haunches, allowing me better range of movement to reach her mane. An unknown period of time passed as I brushed her mane, and eventually it became so silky that it appeared to be borderline reflective.

As I discovered that it was Joy speaking, I tried very hard to discern what exactly it was that she was saying. Only by staring at her mouth and the way it was moving did I finally figure it out.

"Brushie… brushie… brushie… " In time with each stroke of the brush, Joy repeated this one word. Brushie. I d'awww-ed so hard I squee'd.

But really though… this was too cute to be real. The best part is that I'm not even sure that she knew she was doing it. I was pretty much certain that she was either asleep or damned close to it, but I couldn't be certain. Dimly, I realized that the record had ended some time ago, and the only sound aside from that of the brush sliding through Joy's mane and the accompanying response from said mare, was the sound of the record's rhythmic popping as it skipped over the last track again and again.

As much as I wanted to stay here, just like this… alone with this mare… until the stars burnt out and the sun no longer rose to light the skies… I knew I'd have to get up and reset the record. If it had been mine, I wouldn't have cared; but seeing as how it belonged to somepony else, I was obligated not to damage it. With a resigned sigh, I ceased my stroking and climbed to my hooves as smoothly as I could, trying not to wake this sleeping mare.

I failed of course, but that should be expected by now.

As soon as I began shifting positions to get up, Joy seemed to rouse from her slumber. "Dave? Where're you going?"

I hung my head in defeat. "I'm just turning off the record player so I don't break it."

Joy blinked a few times, squinting against an unseen light and looking for all the world like she was puzzling out some great enigma. With appropriate befuddlement, she mumbled "But… who told you to stop brushing?"

"Shhh… calm down. I'll continue in a second, I've just got to fix the record player real quick. I'll be back in just a second." In just a moment's time, I had fixed the phonograph, and was returning to Joy's side. I figured that this was as good a time as any to ask my one burning question. "So, Joy… when I was brushing your mane… you said something about… brushie brushie? What's that about?"

Joy hid her face behind her now-silky mane, trying in vain to hide her blush. And here I had thought that shy-Joy had been replaced by troll-Joy. The only thing I'll ever know for certain about this mare is that I'll never know anything for certain. Wonderful.

Joy interrupted my mental meandering when she started to speak. "This is so embarrassing… when I was younger, my mom used to brush my mane for me… it was part of our daily ritual. As she brushed, she would say brushie with each stroke. I guess I picked up on it without realizing it… " Joy sighed nostalgically."That was back in the good ol' days when everything was still perfect in the world."

This struck me as a bit odd. As far as I knew (which wasn’t far at all), everything was going well for her. "This might seem naive of me, but isn't it?"

I had just regained my position by Joy, and was therefore in the perfect position to catch the full brunt of her expression. If I had to label this expression, I'd call it something like "oh, how little you know" or "what was it like, growing up without a brain?" Or something along those lines. At any rate, it was a clear indicator that all was not right in Ponyville.

Joy matched this expression with a pained sigh, and nothing else. Slipping the brush back onto my hoof, I began brushing again. "Want to talk about it?"

She rested her chin on my lap, looking straight ahead in a weary daze. "No, not really. It's a long, sad story, and I wouldn't want to ruin the night with it."

I couldn’t suppress my curiosity, but was afraid of treading on thin ice. "Another time, then?"

Another sigh and a noncommittal "We'll see," was her only reply.

Well this conversation was over… that much was clear. Absently, I began to move from Joy's mane to her coat, starting with her neck and moving in long, slow strokes down to her flanks. I took great care not to brush her cutie mark, and to avoid going too far into questionable areas, attempting to save myself any unanticipated reactions. My strategy seemed to be working, and soon I detected the sound of Joy's soft snores, a telltale indicator that she was asleep. Even so, I continued brushing… I found it quite therapeutic.

Eventually, my arm grew tired and I stopped brushing; this elicited a disgruntled moan from Joy. Stifling a yawn, I checked my watch.

Damn… was it really almost twenty two hundred? If I didn't get to sleep soon, my next shift was going to be rough. I cast a glance at the sleeping mare beside me, and I felt myself swelling with pride and affection, though it was severely tempered by an almost overpowering sense of guilty shame. I liked this mare a great deal, and I was proud that she shared the feelings. On the other hoof, I had betrayed everyone I'd ever known to come here, and I felt more than a little guilty that I was feeling these things for somepony else so soon after losing my wife. Oh, the joys of romance. I'd almost forgotten how confusing and complicated this was since I got married. Almost.

My inner turmoil did not change the fact that I was physically spent from the day's activities, and after I tucked Joy into bed (so… adorable… she snuggled into the blanket with a smile… I could swear I felt the diabeetus growing stronger) I pretty much immediately collapsed into bed beside her. As was becoming a delightful habit, I drifted off to sleep in close proximity to this azure mare.

I awoke in the mid-to-late morning, once again by the sound of Joy performing actions of a dubious nature in the kitchen. I say it this way because I wasn't sure if she was attempting to cook, or whether she was trying to defeat a killer robot using only a skillet. At this point, the noises could point either way. Although, this did explain the strange twist my dreams took just prior to my awakening. Something about a giant robotic octopus with numerous flailing metal appendages, who was somehow holding Joy hostage. I've dreamed enough hentai to see where this was going… thankfully; the dream was interrupted before something occurred that would leave me in need of a cold shower when I woke up.

The mental image, however, was hanging around at the edge of my consciousness like a landmine, waiting for my thoughts to stray into dangerous territory. If I wasn't careful, the day might get really awkward, really quickly. This thought process was counterproductive though, and the harder I tried not to think about it, the more I did.

Thankfully, this self perpetuating cycle of madness was knocked from the rails by a tremendous crash from the kitchen. Before I valiantly jumped to my hooves and strode to the kitchen to save Joy from the killer robot therein, I took a moment to bargain with my legs.

Alright, you four; listen up. I don't like you, and you don't like me. It seems that we are stuck with each other for the foreseeable future, however, and things will go much smoother between us if you cooperate. So, I have a proposition for you. In exchange for your unconditional submission to my will at all hours of the day and night, I will continue to exercise regularly, so we don't get fat. You don't want to have to lug my fat ass around with another sixty kilos or so, do you? I thought not. So, do we have a deal?

Concluding my internal monologue and receiving no reply, I decided that there was only one way to test the new alliance; with action. With a bold leap, I soared gracefully through the air, landing majestically.

In reality, it was more of a flailing, catapulting motion, sending me careening off the edge of the bed. I landed on the carpet with all four hooves; a good start, all things considered. Even as I was marveling at my landing, I felt my hooves giving way. In the midst of formulating some form of incredulous rebuttal to the thrice damned limbs of mine, my buckling knees ceased to buckle. I was standing on my own hooves under my own power, and hot damn it felt good. Oh yes… things were looking up.

Stealthily, I crept towards the kitchen. I did so stealthily for two reasons: first, so that the killer robot wouldn't hear me coming. Second, because I freakin’ could, thanks to my newly cooperative limbs. Man, this was awesome. With a level of stealth that I wouldn't have dared to dream of, I crept to the kitchen and poked my head around the corner. What I saw was simply… beyond comprehension.

Now, I'd like to take a moment to state that I didn't really think that there was a robot in the kitchen doing battle with a skillet-wielding Joy, but the mental image is both hilarious and motivational to one who is not yet fully awake.

Though I didn't expect a robot, what I actually saw seemed even more unlikely.

Rather, what I didn't see. Joy was standing alone in the middle of the kitchen, a pair of metal cooking implements in her magical grasp. Her ears were perked as if listening intently, though she faced away from me, in the direction of the stove. After holding this pose for a couple of seconds, she lowered her ears, and then did something incredible. She began to bash the pots together in a deafening clatter. Even as the peals reverberated through the house, she stopped to listen, as if waiting for something.

And then it dawned on me. She was trying to wake me up with the allure of food. That evil little… gah! Fine then… you want to play these games? Let's play.

As silently as I had approached, I retreated, all the way back to the couch. With exaggerated noises of my own, I mimed rolling out of bed… complete with the thump of a body hitting the floor. The banging in the kitchen immediately ceased. With a loud groan, I announced my pilgrimage to the kitchen. My passage was punctuated by a sluggish, plodding beat of hooves on wood.

I entered the dining facility with a genuine yawn, greeted by an entirely too perky mare. "Morning, sleepyhead. About time you woke up."

Playing the part, I rubbed my eyes as I rounded the corner, yawning languidly. "Morning, Joy. What's with all the noise? Making omelets again?"

She looked at me, cocking her head to the side quizzically. "Hmmm… nope."

Now it was my turn to be confused. "No omelets? Then what were you making that was so noisy?"

I was entirely unprepared for what came next. "Cereal."

"Alright, cere-… what?! How do you make that much noise making cereal?" I’m pretty sure my jaw was on the floor at this point.

She merely shrugged. "I didn't. I was trying to smash a bug. Using pans."

The following is the monologue that went through my head after hearing this.

Alright, I quit.

Quit what?

Matters not what I quit. Just note that I have quit at yes, and move on from there.

Quit at… yes…?

Yes.

If that didn't make your head hurt, I have bad news for you… anyways, back to the kitchen we go. "Joy… smash bug… with pans? Pans? Why not just smash it with magic?"

Disgust flashed across her features at this. "And feel it crunch? No way, Jose."

Facehoof. Looks like I was wrong again. Damn… I had high hopes for my theory that time. Regardless, I shrugged off the perplexing notion and focused on what was really and truly important: breakfast. “So, Joy. Cereal?”

“Uh huh. On the counter over there.” Her outstretched appendage indicated a small bowl on the nearby countertop.

Wordlessly, I strode to the counter to ponder the possible implications of an equine-themed marshmallow cereal. I wonder what a leprechaun-pony would look like… I imagined a miniscule pony sporting a green coat and a blazingly red mane, whose cutie mark was a shamrock or something… Dammit, Shamus! Get out of the turnips!

My daydream was interrupted by a sharp jab to my flank. I jumped about a mile, partly from shock at the contact, and partly because whatever had touched me was really damned cold. I might also have yelped like a frightened puppy, but there is no way to prove I did, so I’ll continue to deny it. Once again, the sound of Joy’s snickering at my expense told me everything I needed to know about what had happened. Donning my best “I’m not angry, just disappointed” look, I turned to the azure mare who had rustled my jimmies.

She was wearing a mask of innocence, but the devious glint in her eye betrayed her. “What? You zoned out again…I was just making sure you were still alive. I can’t have a patient dying in my home, now can I? Just think about what people would think of my medical abilities. Anyways, who’s Shamus, and whose turnips are he in?”

So, apparently I said that part out loud. Oh Joy.

I waved a hoof dismissively. “Nothing important. Just day dreaming about a miniscule green menace to my non-existent veggie garden. You know, the usual.”

She just shook her head dismissively. “You are without a doubt the strangest pony I’ve ever met. And I’ve met a whole mess of ponies, some of whom are residents in an asylum.”

I couldn’t help but grin at the thought of myself in a straight jacket, bouncing off of the walls. “Are you saying I belong in a padded room? ‘Cause that would be awesome.”

“I was going to say ‘no, that was just to put it in perspective’, but now I’m not so sure anymore.”

At this, I bowed deeply. “I try, M’lady.”

Joy responded with a deep exhalation, a shake of her head, and a slight smile before responding. “Dave, I swear. What am I going to do with you?”

“Well, I am partial to anything involving explosions, but so long as there are no needles or… questionable activities, I’m pretty much down for anything.”

Now, it was Joy’s turn to facehoof, and facehoof she did.

I chuckled slightly at the sound it made before quipping “That looked like it hurt. Want me t-“

She cut me off abruptly, waving her hoof for emphasis. “Not again. You can’t fool me twice…I’m clever, like a fox.”

“Actually, I was going to offer you a bag of ice or something, but suit yourself."

Joy shot me her best attempt at a death-glare, which we have already established is entirely too cute to be effective. I couldn't help but crack a smile at her attempt though, and this is when she employed a more effective tactic. See, it matters not how adorable you look… a hoof hurts regardless, as I soon discovered.

Now we were both rubbing our heads. Grousing quietly to myself, I collected the supplies from the counter, noting that the cereal appeared to be nothing more than oats and some sort of granola. I ferried the dry goods to the table before heading to the fridge to collect the rest of the ingredients. If I had some of that cheating unicorn magic, or even opposable thumbs, I could have done it all in a single trip. Damnable hooves and their utter lack of manual dexterity…

On a brighter note, I discovered that the fridge was resplendent with food from Joy's earlier trip to the market. I plucked a small container of berries from its niche and carried it back to the table, nestling it in the crook of one wing and the pitcher of milk in the other. I might not have magic or fingers, but I still had an additional set of appendages to my benefit. I felt a moment of pity for earth ponies.

Only a moment though, for I soon recalled that certain earth ponies are unusually talented at using their tails as a semi-prehensile fifth limb. I wondered if I could do that… as soon as I had set the milk and berries down at the table, I decided to give it a shot.

Mustering all of my considerable concentration powers (ha!), I did my best to bend the appendage to my will. And it worked… sort of. I was going for a motion similar to someone curling their arm to show off their biceps, but my tail performed some sort of spastic twitchy motion instead. The important thing was not that it failed to do as I commanded, rather that it had responded at all. I could work on the finer details later.

As was becoming irritatingly commonplace, I was jarred from my reverie by the sound of Joy's laughter. "Dave… I have no idea what you were doing, but that was the funniest thing I've seen in ages. You were staring at your flank with the strangest look, then your tail had a seizure and you started grinning like a foal with a cupcake. Made my day."

I could feel my cheeks beginning to burn. "Hehehe… yeah… about that… "

She cocked her head a bit, intrigued. "What about that?"

"’Twas a figure of speech, Joy."

Her head cocked further to the side. At this rate, it was going to pop off before long. "I don't get it."

I shook my head. "Never mind… just chalk it up to my inherent oddity and leave it at that."

She simply shrugged. "If you say so. Also, you'd better eat quickly; seems you are on day shift meow."

The spoon stopped in mid air on its journey to my face. "What was that last part?"

Joy busied herself with sorting the berries in her bowl. "I said you have been moved to day shift now, some sort of promotion or something. Meow, get back to eating so you aren't late to your first day."

Now the roles had been reversed, and it was my head that was cocked in confusion. "Did… did you say meow? And it's not my first day… more like my fourth or so."

Looking up from her berries, a smirk upon her face. "Meow? Do I look like a cat to you? And you are mistaken. This is your first day. So far, you have only worked at night. Therefore, this is your first day. Make sense?"

I walked right into that one. Yet again, Joy had outwitted me. "Huh… no, I'd say you are a bit too tall to be a cat. Maybe I suffered some dain bramage in the fall… "

"Nope. You lacked any signs of cerebral trauma, and beyond that, I'm still not sure you have the equipment for tha-" Joy fell silent in the midst of her sentence as what I had said finally sunk in. Silently, she mouthed the words "dain bramage" to herself with a puzzled look before regarding me with a skeptical gaze. "Dave… you did that on purpose, didn't you."

It was not a question, but a statement. The ball was back in my court though, and I had the home field advantage. Pulling the metaphorical ace from my sleeve, I played dumb. Years of practice had honed my skills to a keen edge. Around a mouthful of cereal and whilst donning my best look of confusion, I answered Joy. "Did what?"

She stared at me flatly. "Mixing up brain damage like that to mess with my head."

Swallowing the entire mouthful of cereal, I coughed momentarily before replying. "Mixed it up? How did I mix it up?"

She narrowed her eyes slightly, searching for signs that I was goofing with her. "You said dain bramage instead of brain damage."

I looked at her, doing my best to appear confused. Thankfully, I had years upon years of practice, making it an easy undertaking. "Why would I do that? Everypony knows how to say dain bramage."

Her eyes shot open as she pointed her hoof at me accusingly. "There! You did it again! It's brain damage, not dain bramage. Say it with me: brain damage."

"Dain bramage."

Joy's eye began a'twitchin. "Let's try that again. Brain damage."

“Dain bramage."

That facehoof had to have hurt… After a deep sigh, she decided on a different approach. "Alright, I'll break it down for you. Brain."

"Brain," I parroted.

"Damage."

"Damage,” said I.

Joy smiled at me. likely feeling like she was about to make a breakthrough."Now, put them together: brain damage."

"Dain bramage."

Joy performed a flawless double-facehoof combo, transitioning seamlessly into a frustrated groan. Fillies and gentlecolts, this mare has style. "You… you're impossible."

I grinned widely. "I do my best."

Joy rolled her eyes so hard they spun in place for a moment, emitting an odd rattling sound. I would definitely be better off not contemplating how that was possible. I held a simple conversation with Joy as I scarfed down the remainder of my berry-granola cereal, and I eventually discovered what my report time was for work. I was to report at half-past-twelve, the end of the lunch break for the sanitation ponies.

Checking my watch, I nearly jumped from my skin. It was almost noon, and I didn't think that showing up all sweaty and smelly from running would be a good first impression on my new boss. Quickly spewing a few parting remarks apologizing for the mess I had left on the table in my hurry, I bustled out the door in the direction of the clinic.

I made it nearly to the end of the block before I heard a voice behind me call out my name. Turning, I saw that Joy was the one who had addressed me. Even as I was debating whether or not I should turn back to see what she wanted or to wave and keep going, a luminous blue blur streaked towards me.

Not even going to lie, I flinched and might have squealed like a filly. Though, you can’t prove the second part… regardless, it was unnecessary. Exhibiting a level of finesse that I would never be capable of, Joy slowed the ballistic blue blur to a crawl just in time to spare me from a formidable impact. From where I was hiding behind my hooves, I could make out two distinct details: First was that the blue missile was in fact my saddlebags, which I had left at home in my haste. Second was that I could clearly see the amused look on Joy’s face, even from this distance and from behind my hooves.

I was pretty sure she couldn’t see me blush in shame at this distance, so at least I had that going for me. I hollered back an appreciative remark of some sort and tried to strap the bags on as I was cantering down the street.

Turns out, I’m even better at failing miserably at two things at once, something I discovered shortly after somehow winding up staring at the clouds overhead. Clambering to my hooves in a profoundly awkward manner that was accentuated by my repeated stumbling and entanglement in the loose straps of my bags, I decided it would behoove me to affix my cargo from a stationary position rather than attempt it while I was cantering again.

In record time, I had affixed the troublesome bindings and set off at a slightly more brisk pace to my place of duty. I arrived slightly ahead of schedule by risking an untested shortcut that proved to be viable. I walked through the front door of the clinic with a good six minutes to spare, giving me time to catch my breath before reporting. By the time I strolled into the maintenance vestibule, I had caught my breath and composed myself enough to make a good first impression on my new boss.

Turns out my new boss was a rather attractive mare who went by the moniker “Brass”. She was about the same height as Joy, though her build was a bit more slender; if I had to guess I would venture this was a result of a more strenuous day-job. Her coat was every bit as lustrous and gleaming as her namesake, shining like a factory mint cartridge. Her mane was a very faint, very light blue that clashed in a complimentary fashion with the rest of her. Though it barely made sense to me how such a thing was possible, the two colors somehow just seemed right together.

What was it about Equestria that spawned such striking irises? Perhaps it’s a bit unusual, but everywhere I looked it seemed that there were a set of magnificent ocular orbs to catch my attention. The eyes in question were a riveting blue and silver color, flecked with golden specs. I must have missed about half of what she was saying to me as I became lost in the swirling, shifting patterns. A hoof waved back and forth in front of me as my attention was re-focused on the task at hand: paying attention. It’s harder than it seems.

Despite the awkward start, the rest of the shift went pretty smoothly until around eighteen hundred. Up until this point, Brass had been leading the way, and I was able to follow her example without much trouble. Everything began to take a turn for the worse after that though, as Brass’ shift ended. About that time, I realized that I had no flippin’ clue what was going on… I had zoned out during that bit of instruction. Looking back, I couldn’t recall a single damned thing she had said to me, aside from her name. I was so boned.

Hampered as she had been by acting as my chaperone, Brass hadn’t been able to finish her cleaning duties. The hallway had been nearly complete when she had split, and I finished the job in a matter of minutes. Gathering up the cleaning supplies, I returned them to the supply closet and set off back towards the janitor’s cave. Wracking my brain for any recollection of what I’d been told to do proved to be a fruitless endeavor, and I had resigned myself to the fact that I was liable to have screwed up terribly on my first day shift.

Upon entering the office, whatever doubts I may have harbored instantly evaporated. Sitting behind the desk was Scruffy in all of his glory, and at that moment everything was right with the world. Glancing over the top of his paper, he favored me with a nod, which I returned.

Beside the desk was a chalk board that was used to track any and all problems and maintenance issued in the clinic, as well as leave notes for assorted purposes. Written in the bottom right corner of the board was a block of text that was entirely too neat to be Scruffy’s hoof-writing. Hoping against hope, I inspected it closer and saw that my prayers had been answered.

Brass had left explicitly detailed notes on what needed to be accomplished by the end of the shift, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had already accomplished a good ninety percent of everything on the list. Since I was on shift until twenty-two hundred, I decided that this was the perfect time to take a walk in the light of a setting sun. Since the only thing left on my to-do list was taking out the trash, I figured it was as good a time as any to go for a stroll. Scruffy could handle whatever might pop up for a little while, and I would be back with copious time to complete the remainder of my duties and read some newspaper comics before my shift was over. I told Scruffy what I was planning, and he gave what I interpreted as an assenting grunt. That concluded, headed out into the setting sun.

Well, I tried to, anyways… I missed the sunset by about half an hour. The sky still shone with the crimson and violet rays of the dying day, though the light was fading quickly. It’s just as well, I supposed. I was growing quite fond of the night as it was.

The night in question was supremely comfortable, with the residual heat of the day being radiated by the streets and structures, and the soft whisper of a breeze slipped through the air. The horizon opposite the setting sun began to glow with an austere light, indicating the rise of the moon. Everything was peaceful and calm, as if Equestria itself was holding its breath.

It should be no surprise that such an immaculate atmosphere would be shattered most unceremoniously. The only prelude to the madness was a faint whoosh, barely audible over the whispering wind. What came next, however, was loud enough to rouse the dead. A dark shape passed so close overhead that I swear it hit my ear, though my thought process was knocked from the rails by the deafening crash that followed.

In a shower of splinters and glass, the building beside me seemed to explode, shattering the silence of the night. In the wake of the destruction, everything seemed preternaturally quiet; the only sound was the soft tinkling of glass falling.

From within the building there appeared a yellow light, its meager illumination doing little to chase away the shadows. Despite its dismal illumination, the light revealed enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Crap… I know that pony.

Surrounded by broken glass and wood was an unresponsive grey pegasus, her golden eyes spinning about behind her lids in non-synchronous motions before they slid closed. The recognition hit me like a freight train, and as the extent of the injuries began to sink in, I was rooted to the spot by some unknowable dread. What was this weight compressing my lungs?

All conscious thought faded away as I reverted to my training. Ignoring the shouting that echoed from the depths of the building, I immediately began to assess the situation. The mare had an arterial bleed on her right inner thigh, likely caused by the chunk of window frame that still impaled it.

Additionally, it appeared that she had suffered a penetrating chest wound on her left side from a sliver of glass. She was covered from snout to tail in minor lacerations, but there were two major wounds that demanded my immediate attention.

Scrounging through my saddlebag in an adrenaline fueled frenzy, I pulled out a strip of heavy canvas. Though far from ideal, it would work for the task at hand. I grabbed a sturdy looking stick from the wreckage and quickly tied a square knot in the fabric, placing the loop of fabric as high on this mare’s thigh as I could. Somewhere in the back of my mind, it registered that if this mare was conscious and alert, she would be extremely uncomfortable with my proximity to her… private parts.

I wasn’t about to let something like decency or shame hold me back, though; I cinched the knot with my teeth and inserted the stick into the fabric loop and began to turn it. Having had a tourniquet applied to myself in the past, I can say with certainty that this had to hurt like hell. Again disregarding the comfort of this mare, I continued to crank on the stick until the bleeding in her thigh had slowed from a rhythmic gush to a slow dribble. Tearing another piece of canvas, I tied the stick in place to keep pressure on the injury.

My further ministrations were halted abruptly by a swift hoof upside my head, to which I paid little heed and responded angrily. “Fuck off, I’m busy!”

A scared and confused voice answered. “What did you do to her?!”

In pain and annoyance I growled back, “Do to her? I’m trying to save her life, jackass! You’re not helping.”

This last statement seemed to catch the stallion off guard, and I could almost hear the gears in his head spinning as he tried to process this. Satisfied with my tourniquet, I moved on to the chest wound. This was going to be tricky… I was struck by an idea. “Hey! You want to help? Good, you just volunteered. Follow my directions exactly as I say without hesitation. Got it?”

He must have been surprised by my tone or something, because he just nodded blankly. Frankly, I didn’t have time to be nice or worry about feelings, so I just rolled with this new development. Carefully, we moved the grey mare off of the debris to a flat area that was mostly devoid of debris. I took extreme care to stabilize her neck as we moved her to avoid causing further damage. Setting her down gently on the floor, I took a moment to re-assess the mare for new symptoms.

Even with a cursory once over, I could see that her trachea wasn’t sitting right in her throat; it was inclining to her left. This could mean only one thing: her left lung had collapsed. The shard of glass was the obvious culprit. Instructing my helper to roll her onto her side extremely carefully, I took a second to examine her back for additional penetrating chest wounds, of which there were none. Rolling Derpy back to a supine position, I contemplated the best way to stabilize this mare for CASEVAC to the clinic. Before I could even register what he was doing, let alone stop it, this unnamed stallion grasped the shard of glass in his teeth and yanked it out.

Son. Of. A. Bitch. Why? Why would you do that?

The mare’s breathing immediately became more ragged, a very distinct rattle slowly growing more predominant. By removing the shard, this joker had unsealed the wound, which was now letting air seep into this mare’s chest cavity. I shot this idiot the most withering glare I could, and it must have been a sight. He shrunk away from me and turned quite pale, and he almost looked like he was going to be sick.

I hollered at him, trying to snap him back to reality. “If you’re going to be sick, do it over there. If you are going to be useful, I need a fourteen gauge hollow needle and an occlusive dressing. Move! ”

He stood there in shock and confusion. Sonofa…

“Big hollow needle and airtight bandage. Get moving!”

And just like that, he was off. The leg was taken care of for the moment, so the biggest concern of mine was her rapidly deflating lung. I pushed a constant pressure on the wound, trying to keep it closed as best I could. Despite my efforts, the additional air that had gotten into Derpy's lungs had caused her lung to partially collapse, something known as a tension pneumothorax, or air in the chest.

Taking a moment to survey the surroundings as I waited for what's-his-face to come back, I damn near chuckled at the providence of the collision. Of all the places this mare could have landed, she landed in a place that sold quills and sofas, the latter of which had broken her fall, and the former of the two was being grasped by what's his face as he returned.

Well… this would be interesting. The quill he had brought appeared to be silver, a small blessing in and of itself, as silver is naturally bacterial resistant. Moreover, it was finely pointed and sufficiently narrow. I measured out the proper place to insert the needle by counting her ribs, and taking a quick breath to steady myself, I plunged the needle into her chest.

Man, it's a good thing she was unconscious for this…

The quill struck its mark and there was a soft hissing gurgle, like someone trying to get the last of their soda out using a straw. Nearly immediately, her breathing became much less strained, and her chest was once again inflating properly. Good ole’ what's-his-face furnished me with a large sheet of plastic and some packing tape, just what I needed. Tearing the plastic open so I had a piece that went about two inches out from each side of the injury, I waited until Derpy had breathed out before applying the seal.

Satisfied that she was stable enough to be moved, I looked up at what's-his-face. "Alright, she's stable for now, but we need to get her to the hospital right now. Do you have a cart to load her on?"

He nodded as he replied. "Dave. You can call me Dave, it's short for Davenport. And I do have a cart; I'll go get it."

"My name's Dave too. I'll look over her till you get back, but please hurry." I held out a hoof to him, and he shook it briskly.

He set off with a nod, and I turned once more to the mare in question. She was much better off now than she had been a few minutes ago, but she was far from out of the woods. Derpy was bleeding from dozens of small cuts from the window, though none appeared life threatening. Her breathing was rapid, but mostly un-strained, and her leg had stopped bleeding nearly completely.

I checked my watch, and wrote the approximate time I applied the tourniquet on her forehead in her own blood, prefaced with the letter “T”. A bit morbid, I suppose, what with the hoof painting in blood and all, but at least it would give the surgeons a point of reference on the tourniquet. Right on cue, Other Dave came back with the cart. We loaded the patient up as carefully as we could, a process that was complicated somewhat by the fact that she had begun to regain consciousness in the middle of it. I tried to reassure her as best I could, though it was marginally effective at best.

Several times over the course of the trip to the hospital, I ended up swatting her hoof away from the tourniquet. Each time, she would beg me to take it off, telling me how badly it hurt. As calmly and patiently as I could, I kept explaining to her that it was for her own good, that it was keeping her alive.

Seeing this helpless mare in such pain and being unable to do anything was gut wrenching. Oh, what I wouldn't have given for Joy's "kiss it and make it better" spell right then… thankfully, we were just coming around the corner to the hospital. Bursting through the doors and frightening everypony in the lobby, I yelled out "MEDIC!" at the top of my lungs. What happened next was a flurry of activity that was quite reminiscent of my first moments in town… the mare was loaded onto a stretcher as the nurses bombarded me with questions, like what the hay a quill was doing sticking from the mare's chest, what possessed me to write numbers on the patient's forehead in her own blood, et cetera.

I had unconsciously been following the nurses and the gurney, led along as I was by the questions. No sooner had I finished answering the nurse's questions that I was stopped dead in my tracks by a stallion in scrubs, who kindly informed me that I couldn't go into the operating room. Numbly, I nodded and slowly began to trot away when the enormity of the situation hit me.

Tonight, I had held another pony's life in my hooves, and whether she lived or died was a direct result of my actions. She would certainly have died anyway, but the moment I looked in her eyes, it became personal to me, her fate was mine to decide. Now, it was all I could do to hope that I had done everything in my power to live up to that burden.

I wandered absently through a maze of hallways before the burden of what had just occurred finally drove me to my knees, as I shook violently. I have no idea how long I sat like that, but I was driven from my funk by exactly what I needed to hear.

"Dave? Are you okay?"

Joy.

My mind seemed to be swimming in a murky river, everything seemed detached and surreal. "I… I'm not sure. Is she okay?"

Joy drew up alongside me, nuzzling my neck. "We won't know for a few hours yet, she's still in surgery. They told me what you did, Dave… you're a hero. You saved her life, without a doubt."

It all seemed miles away, and I couldn’t get past the big question. "Is she going to make it? Can you say for certain that she will? If not, then I have saved nothing, I've just prolonged her suffering. I didn't even do anything special… I feel there was something more I should have done."

Her voice hardened, taking on a stern tone. "Oh, come off it. You did something heroic tonight, Dave, even if you don't want to admit it. Yes, there is still a chance that she could die… it's still touch and go. But you know what? You gave her a chance to fight for her life. You gave her the time she needed to get here to be treated. While she might die even after everything everypony has done, you gave her a chance she wouldn't have had. Those numbers on her forehead, those wouldn't happen to be the time you put the tourniquet on, would it?"

I nodded dumbly.

Joy’s tone brokered no argument. "Based just on that, I can tell you that if you hadn't been there to put that tourniquet on, she wouldn't have made it here. It was twenty minutes after that time stamp that you rolled her through the doors. She would have bled out in three to five, tops."

So much blood… it was everywhere… gazing down at my hooves, I could see the blood drying on them, though it was still a bit moist. I was wracked by a violent shudder.

Joy saw all of this, responding with a gentle nudge and softly spoken words. "Come on Dave… let’s get you cleaned up, then we'll go get a smoothie to calm us down, m'kay?"

I could hear the almost patronizing sweetness in her voice, one that I'm sure she used on her patients to comfort them. As much as I wanted to be angry or indignant at what was akin to baby talk, I was too drained to feel such emotions. I allowed myself to be led away by my shoulder, winding up at a sink in the blink of an eye.

Joy left me alone to scrub up while she went to check on Derpy. I turned the water on as hot as it would go and began to scrub away the grime in my coat. Even after the last trace of the blood was gone, the feeling of grime remained. I scrubbed and scrubbed, harder and harder, rubbing myself raw but it wouldn't come clean, couldn't come clean, too much blood, can’t get clean, can’t get the blood off, can’t get clean, more blood on my hooves, can’t wash away the blood, can’t get clean, can’t get clean, can’t…

The water was suddenly cut off, and my hooves were grabbed by a dainty azure pair. As they were removed from the sink and their repetitive motions there, my eyes caught sight of a very concerned looking Joy. She was alternating between glaring at my hooves and at my face, with expressions ranging from annoyed to concerned. Simply sighing, she wrapped my fetlocks in gauze that tingled a bit on contact with my raw skin. "I'm sorry, Dave. I should have known better than to leave you alone like this. What do you say to the smoothie?"

The water and the scrubbing had cleared the fog from my mind, if only slightly. "Let's take Derpy out for a smoothie. I'm sure she'll like it, and she could use a bit of good news."

Joy looked at me with a mix of concern and pity. "But Dave… she'll be in surgery for another two hours at least, and then beyond that, assuming there's nothing else majorly wrong, at least another eight before she's discharged."

"That's okay… I'll wait." Perhaps it was the way I sounded, or maybe she didn't think it was a good idea to argue with a pony in my current mental condition, but Joy didn't fight the notion at all; instead, she joined me in the waiting room.

We sat like that for some unknown length of time. Joy drifted off to sleep leaning against my shoulder, and I wound up staring into the distance as my mind replayed the incident over and over, looking for something I could have done better. My thoughts were disrupted by the sound of the operating room door opening. Joy lifted her head from my shoulder, giving me the opening to jump to my hooves and approach the surgeon. At my sudden movement, the surgeon appeared initially frightened by the swiftness of my motion. I skid to a halt in front of him, my expression asking the question my mouth could not. With a deep sigh, he took his mask off and regarded me for a moment before finally speaking.

"I assume you are the one who provided first aid to Miss Hooves?"

I nodded once, curtly. "Roger. How's she doing?" I deliberately avoided asking the obvious question, lest I even acknowledge the possibility that something happened.

The doctor let out a weary sigh. "My name's Stitch, not Roger. But she is going to make it, and she has you to thank for it. If not for your heroic actions, this would have been a tragic night indeed."

I felt frustration welling up within me as my mind tumbled over the things I could have and should have done. "Please, stop telling me I'm a hero… I don’t deserve the title. I did what anypony would have done in my position. But is Derpy okay? She'll be fine, right?"

Stitch reached up and tugged his mask down before he spoke. "Perhaps anypony would have stopped to help… but how many ponies would know how to do a needle chest decompression, or properly apply a tourniquet? Like it or not, son, you are a hero for what you've done. As for your other inquiry, she should be released by dawn and good to go."

The weight of dread and worry that had rested on my shoulders seemed to melt away. Without the current of anxiety to keep me aloft anymore, I slumped to the ground in relief. She was going to be okay.

I had a few more questions to ask, but the big one had been answered, to my unending joy."Is she awake? Can she have visitors?"

Doc shook his head. "No, and no. She is still anesthetized, and the healing potions won't cure an infection. Unfortunately, you'll have to wait till she gets discharged, since visiting hours don't open until after that time, and she likely won't stick around till they do."

One last question remained. "What time is she scheduled to be discharged?"

Turning to walk away, he called back over his shoulder. "She should be out the doors just after zero six."

"Alright, Doc. I'll be back then." Our farewells concluded with a nod, and Doc Stitch took off towards his next destination, whatever that might be. I was in the midst of turning towards Joy when she just about tackled me with a hug. Busy as I was fighting for breath, I almost missed what she said.

"You can say whatever you want, and avoid praise all you want, Dave… to me, you are a hero. You saved the life of a wonderful mare, and I'm sure Derpy would think you're a hero. Quit whining and own it, okay?"

"… breathe… air… "

Joy seemed to remember that most ponies need annoying things like oxygen to function, and so released me so I could pant on the floor for a moment. This mare was borderline freakishly strong. As I caught my breath, I nodded vaguely. A static filled buzz emanated from somewhere overhead, causing me to start pretty violently. The static spit forth something that sounded like an angry teacher from the peanuts series before dying with a click.

Joy turned to me excitedly. "Dave, did you hear that? You got the rest of the night off!"

I looked at my watch. 23:08. "Joy? My shift ended an hour ago."

Still smiling, she retorted "I know that, silly. I read the board. But what it means is that you are excused from any duties you didn't finish before the rescue. And also, I get to go home with you too!"

My mind had cleared a bit as I sat around waiting for the doctor. I responded a bit skeptically to this. "Not that I'm not excited, but how do you figure?"

"The same reason that I was able to stop what I was doing and go look for you. In the aftermath of such a traumatic experience, ponies should be monitored for signs of residual stress that could cause future problems. Therefore, I get to follow you around for the rest of the night." Joy’s response was delivered in a matter-of-fact tone.

I shrugged in response."Makes sense… but I'm actually pretty beat. Can we just go home and take a nap?"

She smiled that wonderful smile again. "No problem. You've earned it."

As we walked through the lobby to go home, the nurses there sent up a thunderous applause of clops, each beating their front hooves against the floor in celebration. It would seem that word of my exploits had spread like wildfire, but this was nothing compared to what was to come. In the meantime though, we headed home and slipped into bed on the couch. Joy and I lay side by side, an arrangement that was becoming more and more frequent, not that either of us minded.

My alarm sounded at quarter to five, and the two of us set off in separate directions to get ready for the day. We met at the breakfast table for a delicious yogurt and granola concoction before setting off towards the clinic. For once, everything went according to plan and we arrived just before zero six. Referencing the mystical "Board" to find out what room Derpy had been put in, we set out to the second floor. Once we arrived, we could tell pretty easily that there would be no way to get into the room, surrounded as it was by a pair of guards. Guards? Ohh… that explains the large number of ponies in the lobby. Paparazzi. Some things are universal…

After a few more minutes of various nurses coming and going, I caught sight of one who was quite familiar: Nurse Redheart. Favoring me with a quick wave before she disappeared into the room, she reemerged a moment later with a smile and beckoned me into the room. This would be the moment of truth, of some sort… one way or another, it felt really important. Out of nowhere, a pasty little pegasus colt sporting a camera popped up and began taking pictures of me. The flash was so frequent it was almost like staring into a strobe light. One of the guards cleared his throat loudly and shot the spindly photographer a withering look, after which the flashing subsided, leaving me with a false sky of stars in my vision. The colt fiddled with the camera for a moment until it made an audible click.

He once again began to snap rapid fire photographs, though this time sans-flash. Once the spots faded a bit from my vision, I stepped past the threshold and into the room. After that, everything got a little fuzzy as I was struck by a grey missile. I found myself once again in a crushing embrace, though this one felt slightly awkward compared to the usual. There was another difference too; the tears.

As she embraced me, Derpy was weeping openly, her body heaving with wracking sobs. I was… dumbstruck, to say the least. Our embrace seemed to be a cue for the rest of the world to d'aww at once. Behind all of this, there was the staccato clicking of a camera furiously taking pictures. I became cognizant of another, much more emotional sound directly in front of me. Between sobs, Derpy repeated one phrase again and again…

"… thank you… "

Today was a day for revelations, and the last one was a doozy. I realized how selfish I had been each time I said "it was nothing" when somepony praised me. Sure, to me it might have been nothing. But to the mare in front of me, it was everything. I had given her another chance at life. I was both humbled and incredibly proud at the same time.

Then, Derpy took my face in her hooves and gave me a big, wet kiss on the lips before returning to the crushing embrace.

I’m not sure whose eyes were wider… mine, or Joy’s. It’s a good thing she was standing behind the photographer, for I’m not sure her jealous glare would look good on the front page. After a moment Joy got her features back under control, and not a moment too soon. Derpy’s embrace melted away and she sunk to her haunches with her head hung, an expression I remembered to be one of shame. As if to confirm this, her blush slowly made itself visible.

What is it with mares and blushing?

Regardless, Joy took note of the change in the mood of the room, and quickly ushered everypony out so we could have a moment to ourselves. Once the room was empty, it almost seemed lifeless in the wake of the bustle. I reached a hoof down and raised Derpy’s face to look at me. Her blush burned more vibrantly, and she shook herself free of my hoof and returned her gaze to the floor, tears still flowing. I sat on my haunches in front of her so that I wasn’t looking down on her… I got the feeling she had enough of that in her life already.

I broke the silence. “Hey… are you okay?”

Her reply was broken, as though by sobs. “N… no. I’m sorry… I didn't mean to… do that. You probably hate me now… ”

I was struck nearly dumb by this. “What? Why would I hate you? You didn’t do anything wrong, let alone anything worthy of being hated… ”

This demure mare continued to stare at the floor, defeated. “B… but I kissed you. Most ponies don’t like me near them… they act polite but I n-know. They think I’m b-broken.”

I was appalled by this, but also struck with a sincere desire to help. “Miss… I’m not like most ponies. I’m also not from around here, so I don’t really know or care what most other ponies think. To me, you are just a sweet pegasus that had an accident, and I was fortunate enough to be there to help you when you needed it. Anything other than that, I’ll learn from you as we get to know each other better. I find that this is the only way to really get to know somepony. How’s that sound?”

The grey mare regarded me with a puzzled expression for a moment, trying to see if I was making fun of her. A few seconds later, and she broke into an enormous grin and shook my hoof so hard that my entire body shook. “Th-that sounds amazing. My n-name is Derpy, and it’s nice to meet you.”

My grin matched hers. “Dave, and same here. How does a smoothie sound? Joy and I wanted to take you out for a treat.”

This drew a hearty nod from the grey mare. “S-sounds good. I’m off today anyways.”

As we gathered Joy from the hallway and posed for a few pictures, I couldn’t help but wonder about this mare. She seemed a bit shy, and she had a slight stutter, but on the whole she seemed a lot brighter than I'd seen her portrayed most times. Odd…

On our journey towards Berry’s smoothie joint, it seemed like we were stopped at least once per block by somepony who wanted to shake my hoof or ask how Derpy was doing. Damn, word spreads fast in small towns…

We arrived right about zero seven, only to be greeted by a still-locked door. Well, fuck… there goes that idea…I was about to turn around and head to Fleur de Lis when Joy used some of her cheating unicorn magic to plink a small stone against the upstairs window. After a couple more stones, the window flew open as a rather disheveled looking Berry Punch poked her head out of the window. Joy spoke to Berry for a minute, though what they might have said was lost to me as I wracked my brain for a suitable alternate to a smoothie at such an early hour…Turns out, this was unnecessary, as Joy had somehow convinced Berry to let us into her shop well outside of its normal hours of operation.

Berry met us at the door with a steaming cup of coffee, beckoning us to a carafe of the glorious liquid sitting on a nearby table. Making ourselves comfortable, Berry was mother and poured coffee for the rest of us. How the heck could she do that with hooves? I… gah. It is too early for this much thinking. As it turned out, thinking was pretty unnecessary at that point. As I was contemplating how exactly I was supposed to drink this without wearing it, I was idly turning the cup in my hooves. In place of a handle that was meant for slender, agile digits, these cups sported parallel shelves for lack of a better word. The shelves were about two centimeters square and a centimeter thick, aligned parallel to the table, and spaced about one to two centimeters apart.

You might wonder why I described it so thoroughly, and this is understandable. I do this to paint a picture of what I was facing. I pretended to brood in thought at something while I waited for somepony else to pick their cup up and drink from it. The wait was not long, and everything became clear to me. Aligning the side of her hoof with the gap between the two projections, a simple inclination of the hoof was all it took to secure the cup enough to afford Joy a sip of coffee. Following her lead, I gingerly fitted my hoof into the slot and raised it to my mouth. If there were two things that Berry Punch could do well, they were making coffee and making smoothies. By my best guess, we spent an hour and a half or so at Berry's, the four of us engaging in conversation made all the livelier by the addition of caffeine.

About half an hour into our conversation, we finally convinced Berry to set down her coffee long enough to whip up one of her trademark smoothies for Derpy. Through some unspoken method of communication, the three of us agreed not to warn the poor grey pegasus about the addictive nature of the smoothies… we were not about to deprive anypony of the iconic experience that came with the first sip. If it wasn’t for Derpy mentioning that she had never been here before, we might have somehow spoiled the experience for her. Providence smiled upon us this time though, and when the smoothie came to the table and she took her first sip, it was without pretense.

By Luna’s socks, was it ever worth the suspense. If my reaction had been comical, this was hysterical. After the first dainty sip, Derpy began to outright chug the smoothie, polishing it off in mere seconds with a hearty belch. Even as she was starting to apologize for the incredible belch, she was struck mute as the freeze set in. Her eyes rolled around a few times before settling into a distant gaze, one that was all the more striking since her eyes were facing the same direction. I know, shocked me too. A moment after her eyes settled, a series of tremors sprouted up at the tip of her snout and began to make its way down the length of her body, much like a dog shaking off water. As the tremors passed her wings they spasmed violently, one of them striking me upside the noggin with a glancing blow.

Glancing though it might have been, the wing had struck with sufficient force to bring forth an artificial night sky filled with stars into my vision. The spasms subsided as Derpy’s eyes returned to their normal wall-eyed configuration. A moment of silence followed the strange happenings, a silence that was shattered by Berry.

“Aw, horseapples! I forgot to take the picture… ”

Joy and I had a hearty laugh at that one, though we laughed alone; Derpy was still a bit sluggish from the freeze and Berry was too upset at having missed such an incredible photo opportunity. Instead of looking slightly embarrassed at her vigorous reaction to the freeze, Derpy looked notably melancholy, a sight that cut my laughter short.

“What’s up, D? You okay?”

“Y-yeah. Ha ha. Let’s laugh at Derpy, it’s okay… she’s used to it.”

The smile faded from my face as a mixture of confusion and shame set in. “Huh?”

She sniffled, her ears drooping. “Is that th-the only reason you brought me h-here? To laugh at m-me?”

Aaaand, fuck. It would seem that our lighthearted prank ran afoul of its intended reaction. Maybe we should have considered the history of ridicule that our subject had endured… Scrambling, I did my best to smooth over the misunderstanding.

“No, that’s not it at all, D. Come over here, I want to show you something.”

Despite her obvious reluctance, she got up and followed me as I trotted over to the wall of photographs behind the register. A moment of searching yielded the photo of my own reaction to Berry’s smoothie. Pointing it out with a hoof, I turned to Derpy.

“We aren’t making fun of you, D. It’s like a rite of passage, having your first Berry’s smoothie. This whole wall is full of ponies’ reactions. Here’s mine.”

Upon seeing the photo of my features contorted by the agony of ice-demon-skull-possession, Derpy let out a sound that was half laugh, half sob. My initial fears that she was still upset were assuaged by the massive smile spreading on her face. It seemed she was finally beginning to realize that the there were still some decent ponies left in the world, and that she had met them. Berry had gotten up and was in the process of making more of her smoothies when Derpy and I returned to the table.

Berry returned with enough smoothies for the entire conglomerate of ponies, and over the next hour or so the four of us traded stories and experiences from our lives. Far and away, Derpy had the most interesting stories of us all. Turns out, being a mail-mare is a great way to meet creatures of all types, including those who are extraordinarily unusual.

By the time Berry kicked the rest of us out so she could open up shop properly, it was late morning, and the streets were packed with ponies bustling to and fro. Almost immediately after stepping out into the street, ponies began to swarm around us and besiege us with questions about the rescue of the previous evening. To be completely honest, it was terrifying. Never before in my life had I been at the center of such a ruckus, and the sheer number of pastel ponies that surrounded us was more than a little intimidating. However disconcerted I was, Derpy was far worse off, not being used to this level of attention in any way. I had to get so close to her ear that I was damned near inhaling it in order to be heard over the crowd.

“Can you fly?”

Derpy looked confused, but nodded.

“Go ahead and take off. I’ll deal with these ponies. You know where I work, and I live with Joy. Don’t be a stranger, feel free to stop by sometime. In the meantime, go get some fresh air.”

Wordlessly, Derpy shot me a grateful look and took to the skies in a rapidly ascending corkscrew motion. Whether this was intentional or not was irrelevant: it was rad regardless.

Once Derpy had made her spectacular exit, I turned to face the crowd in an attempt to answer what questions I could. Oh, how woefully unprepared I was…

6: The Preparations

Okay, I realize my actions the night before might seem a bit off to anypony without medical experience. Got it, tracking that. What I do NOT understand however, is how writing a "T" and some numbers on a pony's forehead somehow can only mean that I am part of some shadow society of maleficent purpose, initiating a new member.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Based on the stuff that had happened with Zecora in the past, I was sort of under the impression that Ponyville was a bit more tolerant place nowadays. Honestly, I really should endeavor not to think, considering the frequency with which I am wrong.

Pushing these thoughts aside and deflecting the more idiotic questions with equally idiotic answers, Joy and I managed to worm our way out of the crowd by the time I had re-told the story for the fifth time. It took every ounce of my self control (and several gallons I borrowed from Joy) for us to make it through the roiling mass of equinity. In the back of my mind, I kept repeating a single phrase: keep calm and canter on. Even being the egotistical bastard that I am, I was starting to dislike the sound of my voice telling the tale time and time again.

We mercifully broke free of the crowd and set off in a separate direction, wanting to put as much distance between us and the posse of pestering ponies as possible. Once we had lost the last of the determined ponies trailing us, we followed a meandering path for another few blocks to make sure we were in the clear before turning and heading home along back alleys and obscure avenues.

We reveled in the comparative silence and desertion of the paths less traveled in the wake of the recent fuster cluck. It wasn’t until we drew to within a few blocks of home that we finally met another pony, though this one seemed content to tend to her garden and pay us no mind.

It was just as well for us, and even my limited powers of perception could pick up that Joy’s calm and collected demeanor was just a professional mask. At least I wasn’t alone. I can’t speak for Joy, but I was slowly becoming optimistic that we could find shelter in our domicile before being mobbed once more.

Before we drew around the corner, I was struck by a thought… if I was so sure that we would make it home unmolested, it was damned near a sure thing that we were about to be accosted by a tremendous number of curious ponies spouting insipid questions. I am wrong very often, but sometimes, I hate it even more when I’m right.

Rounding the corner, the both of us stopped dead in our tracks at the sight before us.

Waiting in front of the house was a veritable circus of press photographers. Seriously, where the hell did they all come from?

Joy and I backed around the corner slowly, trying not to draw attention to ourselves. Had it just been Joy, the plan might have worked… unfortunately; my penchant for being in certain places at certain times wouldn't allow a smooth exit. From the horde arose the battle cry:

"Dave!"

I didn't even try to run… what was the point? I might get away… hell, I probably would get away, considering how fast I ran… but sooner or later they would find me. I've learned the hard way that no matter how fast you ran, nor how far, you cannot outrun your problems. Taking a deep breath to steel myself for the impending onslaught, I walked forward calmly to meet my fate. Initially hesitant, Joy soon fell in behind me as I approached the mass of ponies.

For what it's worth, they were rather well behaved for a large posse of reporters… they stood in one place relatively quietly as they followed my approach with a hungry look instead of swarming me like vermin. As I crossed the last of the empty space that separated us, they even formed a nice little horseshoe-shape for me. I found this both ironic and useful. I stepped into the spot that they had made for me with Joy pressed close to my side. I stood in silence for a second before clearing my throat, signaling for the Inquisition to begin.

About a quarter of an hour later, I had answered all the questions asked of me (well… except for the asinine ones. I disregarded those.) and the gathering began to disperse. Once Joy and I had made our way inside the house and gone our separate ways, a funny thought occurred to me… the reporters were more pleasant than the average civilians that had mobbed us at Berry's. They also asked fewer stupid questions, preferring to ask about how I had come to live in Ponyville, how I knew advanced first aid, things like that.

There were also a couple incredibly awkward questions asked, such as "so, what do you have to say to the rumors regarding your love triangle?", and "how long have you and Nurse Joy been in a relationship?" And things like that. My stomach grumbled loudly, kindly informing me that it was dissatisfied with its caloric intake for the day.

I made my way to the kitchen to scrounge up something to appease my angry gullet, only to discover that Joy was once again at least four steps ahead of me. The azure glow surrounding the plates faded as I turned the corner, apparently taking Joy by surprise.

"Oh hey… I was just about to call you and let you know I made lunch."

"And I was just coming in here to raid the fridge. Imagine that… shall we?"

Joy cracked a cute little smirk as we took our seats opposite one another at the table and ate. Well, she ate. I inhaled. Despite having thrice the portions that she had, I finished my sammiches by the time she was halfway done with hers. As I was swallowing the last bit, I caught sight of that little smirk of hers… what was she smiling at? Self consciously, I wiped my face with a napkin, removing about a quarter pound of condiments and other debris that had failed to make it into my mouth.

Still, the smirk remained as she stared in my general direction. I can't say she was looking at me because of the faraway look in her eyes, and I figured she must have been daydreaming. Relishing the opportunity to return the favor, I waved my hoof in front of her face, snapping her back to the real world.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?"

"Where in Luna's name does all that food go? You never gain a pound, no matter how much I feed you. I'm jealous." As if to prove her point, she pouted dramatically.

"I have hollow legs… I store the food for later when I get hungry."

She got a gleam in her eye that I wasn't sure I liked as she replied. "So what you're telling me is that I don't have to pack your dinner tonight?"

My jaw dropped in shock. That was the opposite of what I wanted! "What? No I never said… I like your cooking… "

Gasping quite dramatically, she placed a hoof over her heart. "So you don't like my cooking? Fend for yourself, then."

"But I… that's not what… I didn't mean… "

As my frustration and stumbling speech dug me a deeper hole to stand in, Joy was favoring me with a predatory look… I was her prey, right where she wanted me, and we both knew it.

"That's not what you didn't mean, huh? You meant it, then?"

Giving up, I crossed my arms and pouted. "… I quit. You win this one… you don't play fair."

She grinned a Cheshire grin, reveling in her victory. "Play fair? I'm not familiar with this concept."

Having exhausted my diplomatic channels, I resorted to the next best thing: making faces. I stuck my tongue out at Joy, realizing my mistake a split second too late. One day, I'll learn…

Once more, my tongue was taken hostage. As soon as she was sure her prisoner wasn't going to escape, Joy's features contorted into a caricature of wicked intentions. I could almost see the horns…

"Oh, look at this… Dave, it seems you dropped this again. What if somepony else found this, or worse yet an animal… wouldn't want this to be chewed up by some critter, now would we…? What to do, what to do… "

My supplications were mangled into an unrecognizable garble of sounds by my tongue's captivity. Joy was thoughtfully tapping hoof to chin for a moment before her wicked grin elongated into a diabolical smile.

This was not going to end well for me…

"I've got it! I'll just make sure that this is something that no little creature would want to eat… and I know just what to use!"

I'm pretty sure that there really were horns on this mare… must’ve been hidden by the mane. Behind me, I heard the sound of a cabinet opening and then closing. If my memory and sense of hearing were tone believed, Joy had retrieved something from the spice cabinet… oh no.

Shit…

"Ah, here it is. I figure that since you keep losing this, I'll just make it unappetizing to small critters. Know what critters hate? Spicy food."

FUCK.

"Just so happens that I have the perfect thing for that. Ever hear of something called the 'Ghost Pepper'?"

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK.

"Hmmm… but how much to use… "

The label of the bottle was plain black, marred only by a small white block of text and a singularly ominous logo: a jolly roger featuring a flaming skull. The bottle floated ever closer to my exposed tongue. As Joy tipped the bottle bit by bit, the translucent orange liquid seeped nearer and nearer to the spout.

"I think one drop should be more than sufficient. After all, this is the extract of the Ghost Pepper. Much more potent."

Much more… is that even possible? My thoughts were erased in the unholy hellfire that followed. Though Joy had meant to only apply a drop, she overestimated the viscosity of the liquid and applied a hearty splash to my taste organ.

This was hotter than Celestia's flanks.

I held upon my tongue the distillation of supernovae; my taste buds played host to the fires of ten thousand dying stars.

The energy of the cosmos was flowing through me, empowering me with the wrath of the Elder Gods.

I was elemental.

I was fire.

I was the goddamned Dave-ferno.

And then my head burst into flames. Literally, it burst into flames. My mane and my tail transformed into ribbons of fire, burning deep cobalt with emerald flecks at the tips of the flames. My entire coat morphed into something like a charred bit of timber, the cracks in its surface emanating a cherry red glow from the heat within. My wings had become a skeletal caricature, a skin of fire taking the place that my feathers had once occupied. The floor burst into flames where my hooves made contact, my iron shoes melting and dribbling onto the floor. The window exploded from the heat and the paint was peeling from the walls.

The power of the stars flowed in my veins, invigorating me as nothing before ever had. My blood was molten tungsten, my heart was a self-perpetuating fusion reaction, and I could hear the voices of the Elder Ones calling me forth to my one true calling: Destruction.

I destroyed the wall of the house as if it was never there, its will to stand entirely overwhelmed by my will to knock it down. Stepping forth into the sun, I could feel its inadequacy, its pitiful power paling in the glare of my own. This entire world was pitiful under the harsh light of true power… it was an insult. How dare something so weak exist in the light of my glory? It could not, and it would not. I would cleanse this blemish from existence.

I took to the air with a single beat of my wings, igniting everything in the vicinity with a wave of cobalt flame. I hovered high above the town and watched as the eldritch flames spread with unnatural swiftness. This would not do, not at all. The fire needed to be… hotter.

Even as I thought it, the flames six-tripled their size, melting glass and rock alike.

Much better.

I swooped into a steep dive, the air around me crackling with raw power. I pulled up just before striking the ground, leaving a trail of molten rock in my wake. Struck by an idea, I pulled into a steep climb and rocketed skyward. In mere moments I had ascended to such a height that I could almost see the curvature of the planet. Leveling off, I flew towards the horizon for a second before inverting and plummeting straight towards the ground. I poured on as much power as I could, gaining speed at an incredible rate.

I was going to end this planet with a bang… a sonic flame-boom. The Mach cone was forming around me and rapidly shrinking, and any second now I would shatter the barrier and bathe the world in apocalyptic immolation. Almost… there…

An icy pang pierced me to the core, shattering my concentration. The Mach cone destabilized as I decelerated, soon collapsing entirely. I spread my wings to catch myself and slow my fall, but another icy stab tore through me and destroyed my muscular coordination. And just like that, I was a pegasus who couldn't fly, falling to his death. Well… this was ironic. I closed my eyes as the ground rushed up to meet me, waiting for the inevitable impact.

I awoke with a jolt to the sight of a distraught Joy looking down at me. Godammit. Of course I wouldn't be turned into an eldritch force for cosmic annihilation… that was way too damned cool to actually happen to me.

"Dave? Are you awake now?"

I wanted to say something witty to that, but it was at this moment that I became acutely aware that my entire mouth was full of magma. You know, no big deal. Thankfully, Joy was a pretty sharp mare, and before I knew it she was force feeding me about a half gallon of ice cold milk. That… that hit the spot. The fire inside died altogether as it was quenched by the vitamin D enriched elixir.

"Thank you, Joy. Much better… what happened?"

"Well… I accidentally gave you a bit too much of the spicy stuff. Then you kinda passed out and flailed around for a bit. And after that, I just grabbed some milk and figured I'd wait it out. The label said this happens sometimes, and gave instructions on how to deal with it."

"Well… dang. Did my head at least catch on fire or something cool like that?" I struggled to a sitting position, feeling the dampness of sweat upon my brow.

"You got the hiccups."

My shoulders slumped. Of course. "Damn."

"Well, you might as well catch a shower now… you are a sweaty pony. And smelly, too. Your shift starts in two hours, so you should probably hurry."

"Alright, I'm on it."

I set off to shower before work, all the while thinking about the hallucination I'd had. Why would I want to burn this place? So far, I was loving everything I'd seen in this town, just to varying degrees. Why would I want to destroy such a perfect place? It just didn't make sense to me… I could tell this was something I'd be thinking about all day. Having freshened up, I donned my saddlebags and went to the kitchen to grab the sack lunch that Joy had prepared for me (despite her previous claim that she wouldn't make me one) before heading out. Stepping out into sunlight that was a lot warmer than I remembered, I set off towards the clinic.

Day shift was a helluva lot busier than night shift, and I had even more crap to do aside from the basic duties as I was continuously interrupted to clean small messes. The other ponies on day shift helped to offset the additional workload though, so it was never too excessive. In no time I had fallen into a sort of a rhythm, bouncing from one task to another with an almost zealous fervor. I got so wrapped up in the here-and-now that I almost worked through the chow break. The only thing that saved me from going hungry till I got off was a sharp jab to the flank, delivered by a yellowish colt named Sweeps. I’d only met Sweeps once before, and that had been at the Janitors’ office at the start of the day. I passed him when I walked in, as he walked out. I figured we were both looking for the same pony: Brass.

Once I had been briefed on my day-to-day duties by the boss, I’d set to work, forgetting about the colt until he jabbed me in the kidney. Before I even had a chance to inquire about my assault, he nodded his head down the hall, indicating I should come with him before he turned and walked briskly away. Quickly shoving the rag I’d been cleaning windows with into my jumpsuit, I trotted quickly after him to catch up. Soon as I’d caught him, I spoke up.

“So, what was the kidney punch all about?”

Without looking back he gave a brusque reply. “You almost worked through chow. Couldn’t have that happen.”

I nodded in comprehension, a gesture that was lost on the back of his head. “Thanks. I am pretty famished… ”

He scoffed. “Didn’t do it for you. Brass would’ve had my horn if I let the new guy work through chow on my watch.”

Horn? I didn’t see any… oh, there it is. It was hidden behind his mussed up orange mane, and so small that it could have been a tumor. I figured that it might be a sensitive subject for him, and since he was already in a less-than-pleasant mood, I figured I’d avoid mentioning it in future conversation. In the meantime, I wanted to try and learn some more about this gruff fellow, seeing as how he was likely in charge of me.

“So, Sweeps. Where are we headed?”

“Break room.”

“The one by the lobby?”

He growled his response with far more animosity than I'd expected. “No, that’s for the medical staff only… if I catch you in there, I’ll dock your pay an hour. Janitors have their own break room.”

Ass. Right then, my brain was telling me to shut up and not antagonize this jerk, but I've never exactly been what you call a smart pony. “Even if Joy invites me to have dinner with her?”

It hadn’t happened yet, but it could… my mental machinations were ended abruptly as Sweeps stopped in place and pulled an immaculate about face to look me in the eyes with a menacing glare.

“Just because you fell from the sky and Nurse Joy took pity on you doesn't mean that anypony else will, nor does it permit you to drop their respectful titles. You will not call any of the Medical Staff by their first name; you will address them as Doctor or Nurse, as appropriate. Consider this your only warning. It happens again, you lose an hour’s pay for each occurrence. Got it?”

Cock juggling clown rapist…

“Roger. Anything else, Sir?”

At this, Sweeps scowled harder still. Oh, what I wouldn’t have given to see his face become stuck like that…whatever. This colt wants to play reindeer games? Okay, I dig it. I’ll play your games, but I’ll bet you that I win. Instead of answering my question, Sweeps just walked away.

Well then.

I followed him to the break room… if it could even be called that. It was nothing more than the extra space in the water heater enclosure, with only a few chairs and a flimsy table to indicate that it served any other purpose. We ate in silence, save for the scoff Sweeps gave at the bagged lunch I pulled from my saddlebags. You jelly, Ass? Yeah, he jelly. Where I had a hoagie stuffed with delicious plant material of assorted varieties and a side of fresh fruit, he had a plain BLT and a soda. By BLT, I mean that his sandwich was comprised solely of Bread, Lettuce, and Tomato. Even though he was an ass of epic proportions (I’m sure a bard somewhere has a ballad about him), I still felt a bit ashamed of how much food I had compared to him.

As a peace offering, I tore the hoagie in half and offered half to him, saying something about how I wasn’t going to eat it all…which was a bold-faced lie. Perhaps he was just having a bad day… I didn’t want to believe that he was a bad pony based off of our only interaction thus far, and I wanted to attempt to be at least civil to him.

Well, these notions of civility went out the window with a fucking quickness at what he did next. With a swipe of the hoof, he knocked the peace offering from my hoof and sent it scattering across the floor.

“I don’t need or want your charity.”

My eye began a’twitchin. Taking a deep breath, I slowly retracted my hoof, if only so it would be that much less tempting to choke him to death with it. I could see now that this was not a matter of professionalism. No, this was personal, and doubly so for me. I had offered a part of the lunch that had been made for me by a special somepony to one who had less than I, and out of spite he wasted it so that neither of us could enjoy it. There are some things you just do not do in civilized society, and greeting an honest attempt at peace with unabashed spite was one of them. Unfortunately, so was murder… there goes that plan.

I packed up my un-eaten chow with exaggerated calmness. This was not to taunt Sweeps or to provoke a reaction from him, but was just an outward indicator of my massive internal struggle not to strike out at him in any way. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose my cool in response to his provocations. Over and over in my head, I just kept reminding myself that he was not worth it. No reason to start a ruckus and give him the satisfaction of riling me up like he wanted. Instead, I left without a word or even so much as a glare.

In the hallway, I took another deep breath to try to let go of as much stress as I could. I turned a corner to be out of sight and took a series of deep, slow respirations, feeling the immediate and irrational hatred leave me. Ironclad resolve flowed in to take its place, and I knew what I had to do to win. All I had to do was perform my job and keep my mouth closed. Suck it up and drive on, something I had honed my skills at through years of practice.

I tackled my tasks with renewed vigor, driven by my burning desire to outshine this bag of ass that was my boss. By the time my shift was nearing its close, I had already finished every one of my duties and had taken to cleaning random things to fill the time until I got off. I decided it would be a good idea to check The Board to see what my schedule was like for next week. Starting tomorrow and going through the next two weeks, I was a regular nine-to-five pony. I could work with this… but there was something else that caught my attention.

I get paid on Friday.

Grinning as I returned to work, I knew exactly what I was going to do with my first paycheck. The rest of my shift flew by in a blur, and almost before I knew it I had accomplished two things: first, I’d developed a solid plan to spend whatever bits I made; second, I had scrubbed half of the clinic to a shine. I was on my way out of the clinic to do a bit of comparison shopping when I heard a lovely voice call out my name.

“Dave! Wait up!”

I turned around with a smile just in time to be tackled into a hug by Joy. She seemed in a better mood than usual, and that was really saying something. I returned the embrace for a second or ten before we broke free.

"What's up, Nurse Joy?"

Joy looked momentarily baffled at this, thought she only hesitated a second before replying.

"Remember the rescue last night? Of course you do. Here's the news: Mayor Mare is holding a ceremony in your honor to… well, to honor your heroism. It is going to be held this Saturday at the Town Hall. Aren't you excited?!"

I had to close my gaping mouth manually. "Actually, I'm slightly overwhelmed by this. Let me guess: it is going to be a small, simple celebration with myself and a dozen of my closest friends?"

"Not even close. From what I've heard, it should be almost as big as the Summer Sun Celebration."

Dang… my ego was going to love this, but the rest of me was a bit hesitant to be the center of that much attention. What would I wear?

"I was afraid you'd say that… "

"Don’t worry, scaredy-pony. I'll be right next to you the whole time."

You don't know the half of it…

"Okay, I trust you. I've got a few errands to run, but I'll see you when you get home, m’kay?"

"Alright, I'm working late tonight, so don't wait up. I would say I'll try not to wake you, but I don’t think that'll be a problem, the way you sleep."

"Indeed. I'll see you in the morn, then."

"Unless I see you first, Dave."

At this, I gasped theatrically and held a hoof to my mouth in shock. "We shall see who sees whom first! Also, when are we going to be on similar shifts? I want to get back to our plan of working out together."

"This should be my last swing shift for a while; we should have the same schedule starting Wednesday."

"Alright, sounds good. See you tomorrow."

"Bye, Dave."

Once more, I was on my way out of the clinic, though this time my egress was actually successful.

I managed to successfully navigate to the flower shop from my first day in town, finding it without much trouble at all. Inside was a light green mare with a darker green mane, the same pony that had been working the night I bought the rose. Spying her name tag, I called out to her by name.

"How's it going, Flora?"

"Not so bad, and yourself? Wait… I know you! You're that pony from the paper, the one who saved Derpy!"

I rubbed my mane nervously. "Well… yeah… "

I was running out of ways to downplay these notions of heroism while not belittling Derpy's life. I didn’t want to be known as a hero… I was just in the right place at the right time.

"Well, what can Flora do for you, hero?"

I winced a bit at the word 'hero'… "I… I don't deserve that title. One who gives their life for their friends or family, who dies for what they love… that is a hero to me. Me? I just applied training in an applicable situation. I did what anypony would do, it's just that I had the training to do it right."

Flora rolled her eyes. "Blah blah blah. Be humble all you want, you're a hero. Derpy is a beloved member of our town, and thanks to you she is still around to brighten our days. But back to business, what can I help you with?"

"Well, a week ago I came in here and bought a beautiful azure rose. I wanted to order a dozen of them for pickup on Friday… what would that cost?"

"The Aurora Blue? Those are rather pricey and hard to come by, and getting a dozen by the end of the week will be no small feat. I can do it, but it will be expensive, even with the discount I'm giving as a thank you for Derpy. The best price I can give you is forty bits."

"Forty bits? I paid sixty for the ONE rose… "

"Yes, and that was before you saved the life of a friend of mine. Forty each is what it costs me to get them, so I'm not making anything on this. Consider it a favor."

I scrunched up my face, doing math on my hooves. "E… each? But that's… forty… twelve… carry the one… divide by pi… one point six one eight… seven six two by fifty-one… that's a whole lot of bits!"

"Uh… yeah. Like I said, they are expensive and hard to come by, so that is the best price I can do for you. Anything less than that and I'd lose bits. And for special orders like this, I require half down before I place the order. Two hundred and forty bits before I even write the invoice."

I scrounged around in my saddlebags of infinite storage (they seemed that way, anyways… I still hadn't filled them up) and finally withdrew my coin satchel, which I deposited on the counter. Flora scooped up the pouch and tossed it in the air a few times, evaluating its weight. Apparently satisfied, she opened it up and poured it into the dish of a balance beam scale, adding counterweights to bring it level. She fiddled with the weights for a few moments, a scowl growing on her features as she added and then removed various weights in an effort to balance the scale. Hoofing her chin in contemplation, she remained motionless for a second before she ended up riffling through the coins.

With a triumphant "Aha!", she flicked a bit of debris out of the pile. Looking it over once more and finding nothing, she once more began adding weights before finally bringing the beam into balance.

"Well, right here you have just shy of three hundred bits. Two eighty-four, to be exact."

She scooped out a small portion of the golden trinkets and adjusted the scale, removing a few more bits one at a time until the scale was once again level.

"I've got two-forty here, so the rest is yours. I'll start the invoice while you put those away."

By my (terrible) math, I had forty-four bits left. Well… I was a bit less wealthy than I had anticipated, but over all I was actually ahead of budget. I was figuring on paying at least fifty percent more for the flowers, so I was that much farther ahead. Once I gave a hoof print signature on a few order forms and secured my copy, I headed out the door with a grateful wave and salutation to Flora. One down, three to go.

My next destination was one that would either be a bore, tremendously painful on the brain, or an absolute riot of comedy.

I was headed to Sugarcube Corner.

I drew near the confection-themed shop and paused a moment to take the last peaceful breath that I was likely to get in the immediate future. Composed, I made my way to the threshold of the building. I went to push the door open with my hoof, but it never connected; the door had vanished. As a matter of fact, everything had vanished only to be replaced with a strangling mass of pink… pinkness…

I couldn’t breathe, and I could barely croak a supplication for release.

This is how I die.

Just as the lights were going out on me and I was wishing the world a fond farewell, the pink pony who was constricting me to death released her death-grip and began to talk a mile a minute, though I understood none of it and held up a hoof to stop the onslaught as I tried to remember how to lungs.

Instead of stopping, Pinkie just rolled on in her ramblings, giving my hoof a solid tap with hers.

And just like that, I brohoofed Pinkie Pie. Well, I was brohoofed by Pinkie, but close enough.

I finally caught my breath well enough to pick up on what was going on, and finally tuned into the conversation Pinkie was having at me (not with me, mind you… that would imply that I had input). Popping into the middle of the conversation was disorienting since I had no idea what she was talking about, but I had the odd feeling that I wouldn’t be much better off even if I had been listening from the start.

"… and then Twilight came out of the library and asked me what I was doing, then she told me 'Pinkie, get out of this tree, you are not a woodpecker' which was fine by me because my head was hurting by then."

"Uh… sure. Say, you work here, right?"

So, this was my plan: no matter what kind of off-the-wall shenanigans Pinkie pulled, I would not fall prey… I would stay focused on the task at hand and stay on track until the order was complete. I knew this plan was pretty much guaranteed to fail, but I felt better having at least tried. Pinkie responded to my question as Pinkie does everything: in an unpredictable manner. In this case, it was in a helpful manner.

"You betcha I do! I work for the Cake's as a Confectionaire Extraordinaire. What can I do ya for?"

And, cue the double take… perfect! Gathering my thoughts again, I pressed on in the quest to complete my order.

"Actually, I wanted to order a small box of your tastiest chocolate… something like two dozen pieces of assorted variety."

"Oooh. Date-night special it is!"

Visions of roofie-laced chocolate popped into my head…

"I'm sorry, the whatnow?"

"The Date-Night special! For impressing that special filly or colt, “special” spelled El-Oh-Vee-Eee-Arr… everypony loves chocolate!"

"Erm… right. So, I'd like to place an order for the 'Date Night special'… "

Man, I felt creepy just saying that out loud… I expected it to come in a brown paper bag or something… Pinkie seemed oblivious to the sketchy nomenclature of the treat, and immediately turned on her heels and bounced away through the threshold of the confections shop. A bit thrown off by the sudden movement, I scrambled to catch up to the springy mare. Her calves must’ve been strong enough to break diamond… there is no way she could just… bounce like that. I caught up to her when she came to a stop behind the counter, somehow hurtling herself over the counter without hitting her head on the roof or exerting any additional effort… or even opening her eyes.

How? Pinkie Pie, that's how.

"Can I pay now and just pick the goods up on Friday?"

"Pick up the goods? Are you leaving the bads? After that one time with Applejack we added a quality control measure to our products. Never again will we serve Baked Bads… Only Baked Mediocres and Baked Amazings."

"Let me rephrase that: If I pay now, can I come back on Friday and pick up the chocolate I paid for?"

She nodded vigorously. "Of course, silly pony. Just remember to bring a receipt to claim your chocolate."

I nodded, making a mental note to keep track of the receipt for once. “Alright, can-do, Miss Pie. How much is the Date Night Special?”

“Well, since you’re a handsome colt, 50 bits an hour after nine PM.”

What. “I’m sorry? I don’t think I heard that right.”

“It’s 50 bits an hour after nine PM. So if you pay before ten, it is only thirty, since I won’t have to wake up.”

“… Thirty bits, then?”

Pinkie shook her head so hard I thought it would pop off. “No, silly pony. Thirty bits now, fifty then.”

Oh Celestia, my brain… “All right… well, here’s thirty bits.”

I counted out fourteen bits and handed the rest to Pinkie. In one motion, she scooped it up and… shoved it in her mane. In her mane? What?

My confusion turned to outright shock as a pair of purple eyes opened in her mane. The owner turned out to be none other than Gummy, who proceeded to stick his head out of his poofy pink perch. The adorable green gator yawned deeply, revealing a pile of gold on his tongue. Well, I suppose I know where Pinkie stashed the bits…

My train of thought was derailed once more as Pinkie thrust a slip of parchment upon me, nearly giving me a paper-cut on my eyeball.

“Here you go, Coltsanova. See you Friday, and Saturday!”

Saturda-oh. The Mayor’s celebration, thing… I’d almost forgotten about that. “Okay, Pinkie. See you then, have fun. Bye!”

I ducked out of the shop and set off towards my last destination of the day: Rarity’s.

I approached the shop, lights glowing from within silhouetting a pony’s shape on the sheer curtains. I could hear a distinct voice from within, though nothing specific that she was saying. Drawing myself up with proper posture, I rapped thrice on the door.

“Just a moment, please.”

The door swung open, and at first I was taken aback… there was nopony there. I stared in shock for a second before the sound of a throat being cleared caught my attention. I looked down into the eyes of a mildly bemused Sweetie Belle as she held the door.

“Evening, sir. Rarity’s busy right now; can I help you with something?”

“Well, actually, I’ve come for a fitting… can you-”

The rest of my question was cut off by another call from within the Boutique.

“Sweetie, see them in and seat them in the reception area, I’ll be out in a moment, darling.”

Sweetie Belle hollered back, “I was going to!”

Sweetie pouted a bit at being instructed to do something she was already doing, and I could hear her grumbling something under her breath as she let me inside and closed the door. The inside of the shop was beautiful, to say the least… it was something like out of a magazine, but I didn’t have long to admire the decor before Rarity entered from another room.

I say “entered” and not “walked in” for a reason. This mare does not simply walk into a room: She makes an entrance.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, darling. How may I help you today?”

I held up a hoof, dismissing her concerns. "No trouble at all, Miss Rarity. Your lovely assistant had only just seated me before you arrived, so I wasn't waiting very long whatsoever."

"She wasn't being a bother, was she?" Rarity's tone was critical, and Sweetie’s expression was chastised.

I shook my head gently. "No, not at all. She was a fine example of courtesy and professionalism."

While this might have been a slight exaggeration based on the limited interaction we had so far engaged in, I felt the need to come to Sweetie's defense for some reason. She was displaying an admirable level of professionalism for one so young, after all. Rarity and Sweetie's reactions were so incredibly similar that there could be no doubt that they were sisters; both sets of eyes opened wide, mouths agape in shock, and ears perked up. Priceless.

Sweetie's expression waxed smug, while Rarity's waned more towards sheepish.

"Well Sweetie, it seems an apology is in order; I'm sorry I didn't give you enough credit… Forgive me, dear?"

"I forgive you, sis.” Turning to me with a beaming smile, she said “Thanks, mister."

I smiled back and replied, "My pleasure."

Her duties fulfilled, Sweetie nodded in a contented manner and retreated to the further recesses of the structure. Once the two of us were alone once more, Rarity got back down to business.

"I don't recognize you, sir; Are you new in town?"

"Well, I've only been here a week, so I suppose you could say that."

At this, a light bulb came on over Rarity's head. Literally. These unicorns are so strange.

"Oh! You wouldn't happen to be the brave stallion that saved Derpy, would you?"

"I, uh… well, yeah, I am, but-"

My further attempts to downplay the event were smothered in an embrace of immaculate white fur… so… soft… smells… so fragrant.

Being in such close proximity to Rarity was akin to huffing a dryer sheet, she smelled so fresh. It wasn't overpowering, either… it was just a very clean scent with a hint of jasmine. Did I mention she was soft? Like cuddling a cloud made from sunshine and happiness, instead of cold air and water vapor. Marshmallows were as coarse as bricks in comparison…

The clearing of a throat caught my attention.

"You can let go now, darling."

I quickly released the mare, turning beet red in embarrassment. Had I always been this creepy?

"I'm sorry. It's just that… you are really soft, and you smell very pretty."

Instead of backing away slowly and looking at me with the penis-forehead-look, she simply beamed and tossed her hair, shooting me a look like she was modeling for the camera.

"Why, thank you dear. Aloe and Lotus truly know their craft. 'Tis but one of the myriad perks of my frequent visits to the spa."

Well, that could have gone far worse. Also, I might have to go get a pair of day passes to the spa.

"I just wanted to thank you.” she continued, “for rescuing poor Derpy from her predicament. She is invaluable to this town, not just as a mail mare but also as a pony. She never misses a chance to help somepony else out. If you look, you can spot her just about everywhere, doing something or the other. Back to the topic of your visit, however. What can Lady Rarity do for you?"

"Well, as I'm sure you’re aware, there is a ball of sorts being held this Saturday, and I find myself in dire need of dapper attire, so to speak."

"Say no more, darling; I know exactly what you need. On a side note though, I don't think I've ever heard it phrased that way before, and I quite like it. I especially appreciate a cunning linguist, as refined vernacular is somewhat… lacking in this town."

I had to mentally giggle at that one… heh… cunning linguist… heheh.

"I trust your expertise, Lady Rarity. Might I make a small request, though?"

Her eyes widened a bit in terror at this, as her pupils shrank noticeably. Undoubtedly, she was having flashbacks to the pre-Gala preparations. I could almost hear the score of "Art of the Dress" playing in her mind as she relived the fashion massacre. Clearly, this had unnerved her a bit; with a gulp and a slightly wavering tone, she replied.

"C-Certainly, I want all of my customers to be completely satisfied."

Twitch.

"Well, if it isn't too much to ask, -"

Twitch.

"-could you incorporate a top hat?"

Rarity breathed a deep sigh of relief. Apparently, her definition of a "small request" was vastly different from that of her customers. Visibly relieved, her demeanor brightened considerably.

“Oh, is that all? I am certain I can accommodate that request. I must say, I feared something a bit more… drastic.”

“You know, I was considering streamers… ”

That look… I could feel the years slipping away from me…

“Hehehe… just kidding, m’lady. I should mention that my budget is somewhat… miniscule. I wish I had a hard figure to give you, but I am rather uncertain of my pay rate. Should the cost exceed what I have available, I’ll gladly pay in increments, and with interest.”

Rarity just looked at me for a moment as if I had a rather well-endowed appendage sprouting from the center of my head. Apparently satisfied that her gaze had its desired effect, she spoke up.

“Darling, how familiar are you with the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony?”

I tapped the tips of my hooves together, avoiding eye contact. “I have a passing familiarity with them… if I’m not mistaken; you are… the Bearer of… Generosity.”

As my sentence wound on, my voice got lower and lower as I realized what she had intended for me to realize. I was not going to pay a bit for this.

“It seems you are rather ‘quick on the draw’, as it were. Surely, you didn’t really think I would charge the Stallion of the Hour for his accoutrements, now did you?”

I tapped my hooves together. “It would seem so… my apologies, I meant no sleight. I just am unaccustomed to such generosity, is all.”

Rarity waved a hoof dismissively. “Fret not, no harm done. You would have been remiss to assume anything other than what you did, I was just having a bit of fun at your expense, you see.”

I gasped theatrically, a gesture that I was sure Lady Rarity would appreciate. “So, Lady Rarity played a trick? How scandalous… ”

She tossed her head in mock disgust, though the ghost of a smile was clearly evident. “No. A trick is something a mare of the night does for bits. That, my good sir, was a jest.”

I smiled again at this. “And a fine one at that. Interestingly burlesque idiom, might I add.”

She returned my gesture in kind, looking about to see of anypony else had heard. “Why, thank you. I myself find it to be a bit racy, but I am seldom presented the opportunity to implement it.”

I nodded in agreement. “Understandably so.”

Our discourse continued in this way for a good while, as Rarity measured my every conceivable angle and dimension, more than a few of which seemed a bit… intimate. The one that got me the most was when she was measuring around my wings… I was familiar with the notion that these were some sort of erogenous zone, but I had no idea just how much so. Even the slightest touch was enough to make self control… difficult, to say the least.

In an effort to keep my dignity and that of my hostess intact, I ended up thinking back to the pepper-induced hallucination… what would bring forth such images of destruction and chaos? To my knowledge, I didn’t harbor any destructive impulses on that scale… sure, I wanted to hit somepony every now and again, and I’ve thought about flipping a table a time or two, but to burn the entire planet to ashes? Was this hallucination just a product of the fiery temperament of the pepper, or a symptom of a deeper problem within me? As much as I wanted to blame the pepper, and even though it did seem like the culprit, I had no way to be sure that it was.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Right now, the worst case scenario is that the scenario was a product of my subconscious as it voiced some deep rooted issue, so that was what I had to go with.

Fuck… why couldn’t it have been a spicy dream about Joy? That would have been so much simpler… I suddenly became aware of a growing silence, and snapped out of my funk. It seemed that Rarity had asked me a question… she was waiting for a reply from me, that much was obvious.

“I’m sorry, Rarity. I seem to have drifted off. Could you repeat that last part?”

“Yes, it was rather plain that you were not paying attention. I finished measuring you a few moments ago; I was just waiting for you to notice.”

I could feel my cheeks flushing a bit. “Yes, well… I have a habit of doing that, I’m afraid.”

“Try not to do that during the banquet, darling. Somepony might get the wrong impression.”

“I’ll do my best not to… can’t have that, now can we?”

“Certainly not. I do apologize to rush you off like this, but I really should get back to work if I’m not to fall behind on my deadlines. Ta-ta for now, darling.”

By the time my errands had concluded, two things had happened. First, my head was spinning so hard I thought it might fly away. Second, I felt a growing sense of accomplishment at everything that I had done today. This was bolstered by the fact that I had found my way through town without getting lost once, and with only minimal reference of the landmarks; I was getting better at my dead reckoning.

As I walked home, I couldn’t help but reflect on the last week and how much everything had changed. A week ago, I was a pegasus crash landing in town, almost fatally. I had no friends, no plan, and no clue what the hell I was in for. Since then, I had gotten a job, repaired a playground for foals, learned my way around town, made several friends, had a couple of disquieting visions, caught the eyes of a beautiful mare, met three of the Mane Six, saved a life, and was having a ball thrown in my honor by the Mayor of Ponyville. I had gone from a nopony to an almost household name in seven days, and those who didn’t know my name knew of my deeds.

Shit… once you lined it up like that, it was almost overwhelming. All I could hope for was that things calmed down and settled a bit… it almost seemed like my arrival in Ponyville had sent out shock-waves in the cosmic fabric and caused a slew of odd goings-on, like ripples in a pond. In time, I would come to see the full extent of these cosmic ripples, in all of their maledict resplendence.

On the way home, I passed a few ponies, some of whom waved upon recognition. My, how things change… I finally stepped in the front door before I unceremoniously collapsed into bed for a moment, so that I could remove my saddlebags before I showered up for the night. I rinsed the grime of the day off of myself, wondering what a day at the spa would be like… I resolved then and there that I would get a day pass for myself and for Joy as soon as I could. As I slipped into bed, the image of Joy in a bath robe, face covered in mud and cucumbers over her eyes popped into my head, and I chuckled myself to sleep.

7: The Errand

I was roused at precisely zero seven as a direct result of my watch alarm going off, though it was not my alarm that awakened me directly. No, it was the short fall and the sudden stop that woke me up. As you may have surmised by now, I can be a pretty heavy sleeper. Joy, however, is not; nor is she particularly pleased when an alarm sounds loudly only a few hours after she goes to bed. When I failed to silence my alarm in a satisfactory period of time, she pushed me off of the bed.

I woke up when I hit the ground, quite disoriented and annoyed… what the hell was making that awful beeping sound? I raised a hoof to rub my eyes and was again perplexed as the sound grew louder. I held my hoof away from my face in my shock, and the sound faded. Bringing my hoof closer to my face, the screech was louder… farther, and it was quieter. Why was my hoof making noises like this? As I opened my eyes and stared at the offending appendage, I saw that it was blinking as well, emitting a strange teal light in strobe-like intervals.

What in the flying purple fuck is this sorcery?

Facehoof. The beeping grew louder.

I reached up a hoof and silenced my watch, the pieces eventually coming together as my brain finally began to spin. As soon as I silenced the beeping, I heard a sigh of relief from the bed (which was now somehow above me) and a rustle of covers as Joy settled back into bed. I drew myself to a sitting position and cast an affectionate glance back at the sleeping form ‘neath the shroud of covers. I was hit by a bitter wave of nostalgia for all the times I had to go to work at “o’ dark thirty” and had lived this exact scene out time and again in another life, in another world.

I felt the weight of the loss settle in the pit of my stomach like a ball of icy leaden dread. I had to do something quickly before the feeling settled in too deeply and dragged me down for the rest of the day. In a heartbeat, my mind had switched tracks entirely as I recalled my plans for Friday. I know the standard date is to show up with chocolate and flowers, go to a movie, and then discuss it over dinner… but in a world that lacked motion pictures, my options were somewhat limited. After I got off of work, I was going to have to head once more to Sugarcube corner and have a talk with Pinkie… if there was anypony in town who would know what to do on a Friday night, it would be her.

Hopefully, this meeting would be as… productive… as our last one was. Shenanigans aside, I did manage to accomplish what I set out to do, so it was a success in my book. I showered and performed my daily hygiene routine before grabbing a sack lunch from the fridge and devouring a banana nut muffin from the bowl on the counter. Muffins…I wonder how Derpy is doing? Is everything back to business as usual with her? I was pondering this as I walked out the front door, and I vowed to find out how to track her down so I could ask her myself. As it turns out, this was entirely unnecessary.

I opened eyes I didn’t recall closing, staring up at the sky as they spun in a counter-rotating motion. I think I’m gonna be sick… My vision was suddenly filled by a grey head and a huge grin, and I couldn’t help but wonder who’s eyes were more crooked… mine, or hers. As I lay there, strands of her blonde mane tickled my snout. I scrunched up my nose in an attempt not to sneeze in the face hovering over mine. Well, I failed, and SPECTACULARLY at that.

I was wracked by a tremendous sneeze; a sneeze so powerful that it curled me into the fetal position briefly. This sneeze would have felt amazing if not for one small detail: there was a mare’s head inches above mine. As I spasmed mid-sneeze and was in the process of curling into a fetal position, I head-butted this unfortunate onlooker. For years, I’d prided myself on having a head that is harder than most (I used to crack tic-tacs with my forehead…explains a lot, doesn’t it?). Today, however, it would seem that I had met my match.

My forehead connected with hers, producing a tremendous cracking sound from the force of the impact. I suppose I should be thankful that our heads collided at the thickest part and not snout-to-forehead, which likely would have severely broken something. Instead, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck… in the face. I did not see stars… I saw birds. Actual living, breathing birds were circling my head. In the wake of my probable concussion, I couldn’t help but wonder if Fluttershy was training squadrons of birds to patrol Ponyville on the lookout for head injuries as some sort of practical joke…

Wow. I might need to get my brain examined, providing they could find it. I raised myself to a sitting position and the world turned monochromatic in a crimson wave of pain. As soon as my vision stopped pulsing in time with my heartbeat, I reached a hoof up to prod the affected area. I immediately regretted this choice, as my vision once again flared like an over-exposed picture. I looked over to where Derpy had landed with deep concern… it would be terrible if I had saved her life only to give her dain bramage a couple days later. I might have laughed at what I saw if not for its implications… her eyes were staring the same way for once.

Derpy was still lying on her back, not having moved since the collision, apparently. Her eyes might have been oriented in the same direction for once, but they were not focused on anything in particular. I summoned the will to fight my way to my hooves, a laborious process to say the least. Once I was supported by wibbly-wobbly appendages well enough to move, I went to Derpy to see if she was okay.

As I drew upon her, I was a bit shocked by what I saw before me.

Derpy was smiling.

Shit… that’s not a good sign. Altered state of consciousness is an indicator of traumatic brain injury, as is altered visual acuity. I immediately began to contemplate the best way to get her to the clinic, a process that was very soon halted.

Her eyes went back a little kooky as one locked on mine.

“O-oh, hey Dave. You okay?”

Wait a second… this was no longer adding up in my head. “Uh, yeah. You? Are you alright, D?”

“Pssh, I’ve had worse from bad land-landings. You might remember one in p-particular… ”

I winced at that, but it didn’t make the pieces in my head make any more sense. “But… your eyes looked funny… I thought you might have a concussion… ”

“Are you m-making fun of me?” I almost felt like an ass before I saw her smirking at me. Dammit, was I really that gullible?

“You almost got me, there. But silliness aside, are you okay? My head is still spinning… “

She smiled up at me once more. “Guess I’m tougher… “

I nodded, more impressed than anything. “Dang… yeah, I’d say so. But why are you still on the ground? And why were your eyes oriented differently than they usually are?”

“Sometimes, you just want to stop and w-watch the clouds. Other ti-imes, you have no choice.” Whoa… that was deep.

“Alright. I like that saying, mind if I use it?” I offered a helping hoof to Derpy, though I’m not sure how effective it would be, given my current condition and all. She nodded her consent to my question as she took my hoof and got on her own four hooves. She seemed none the worse for the experience, where I might have worsened my dain bramage and certainly had a good lump to show for it.

“Well, that was interesting. Actually, I was just thinking about you before we… bumped into each other, so to speak. I was wondering how you were doing lately.”

“Well, I’m alive. Th-that’s always a plus…“

Derpy and I struck up a conversation that lasted all the way to the clinic, mostly concerning whether or not she got any time off for the accident, if she was having any lingering pain, things like that. Turns out, she had been offered a week of paid vacation to recover (healthcare here puts everything else to shame), but she had declined.

When I asked her why she would do that, I got an answer that revealed a great deal about the mare before me. She said that it was her duty to deliver the mail, that ponies were relying on her to get the job done. According to her, she never missed a day or a delivery; she was always going out of her way to be the best she could be. As we walked towards the clinic together, she gave me a glimpse of her past… and it was not very pretty.

Derpy was born Ditzy Doo to a broken home in another part of the country, though she didn’t get any more specific than that. I thought it best not to pry, and let her continue. From a young age, she knew she was a little different from the other ponies around her and despite her best efforts; she had a very difficult time trying to fit in. The most noticeable difference about her was her eyes, and the way they could never agree on something to look at. Her lack of visual acuity caused all sorts of problems, though most of them were related to fine muscle control and coordination.

One of the less obvious differences between Ditzy and the other ponies was her stuttering, a nervous tic she had acquired early in life and had never been able to shake. Because of her stutter and her wall-eyes, ponies treated her like she was slow, defective, or broken… even though she wasn’t, not in the slightest. They say “perception is reality” for a reason though, and despite her best efforts to be friendly towards everypony she met, she was nonetheless targeted as the butt of malicious names and nasty rumors. The ponies that spread these stories and rumors were looking for an easy target to make themselves feel better, and they found one.

For a bit, Ditzy was disheartened by the way she was treated by these ponies, the way they acted like she was an imbecile, despite the evidence against this. The teasing got worse as the years went on and they grew older, leading up to the darkest time in Ditzy’s life. By the time she was in secondary school, she was the only pony who was still a blank-flank, earning her yet more ridicule. One day, she went for a walk just to escape from the teasing she was subjected to by those around her. Sure, she had friends who would stick up for her every chance they got, but that just made it that much worse when she was alone.

That day had been particularly nasty, the verbal torments finally escalating and becoming physical. She had never been bullied physically before, and being shoved around by a half dozen other mares was traumatic, to say the least. Things had escalated to the breaking point and if something didn’t change soon, who knew what would have happened. As luck would have it, things would never get that bad.

As she walked in the meadow weighed down by her thoughts and fears, concerns for the future and for her own well being, something simple caught her eye. Sprouting in the center of the hoof path was a single dandelion gone to seed, covered as it was by the downy white plumes of its seeds. Seized by a sudden urge to lash out at something, anything, to dish out some of the hurt that she had received, Ditzy stomped on the flower again and again, venting her hurt. By the time she ceased, the plant was little more than green mush ground into the dirt.

She was immediately ashamed of herself for taking her frustrations out on something that didn’t deserve it, even if it was just a plant. Even as a tear began to form in her eye, she became aware of a small shape just in front of her face. Lofted by the gentle breeze that swept through the blades of grass, and illuminated by the glow of the warm summer sun, there hung a single dandelion seed. Such a frail, wispy thing it was, and yet so beautiful.

It stirred feeling in Ditzy that she hadn’t felt in a while… feelings of hope, of purpose. This seed cared not for what happened below it, it rose with the sole purpose of going somewhere new. Like bubbles in a bottle of soda, ever rising, Ditzy could feel a change taking place within herself as her Cutie mark finally appeared. It was wrong to try and fight her tormentors, to argue or complain; this would get her nowhere at best, or provoke them at worst. Likewise, Ignoring would serve no purpose as they would escalate to try and prod a reaction from her. Like the bubbles in a bottle of soda, she would have to simply rise above it, embrace their worst and move on.

They called her Derpy, made fun of her eyes, and treated her like she was stupid? She knew she wasn’t dumb and so did her friends. Who cared what other ponies think about you, as long as you know the truth? In order to truly embrace the ridicule and rise above it, TRULY rise above it, Ditzy knew she would have to do something drastic to drive the point home to those who bullied her. She would show them that they could not break her spirit.

From that day forth, she would embrace the symbol of her torment: she would take on the name Derpy.

By the time she had finished recounting the tale of her past, we were within sight of the clinic, and my headache had mostly faded. I had one nagging question though, one I had held until the end of the tale.

“Derpy? Not that I’m anything less than flattered that you trust me enough to tell me all about your past, but… why? It seems like it’s painful to talk about, so why would you dredge all that up for me?”

Her eyes focused on me for a moment as she shot me a half-lidded gaze. One thing I’d noticed was that the more she spoke to me, the clearer her speech became, until she was no longer stuttering at all. It looked like her nervous tic was all but soothed for the moment, allowing her to demonstrate her intellect.

“I see why you’d wonder that. I’ve never told anypony else about my past before now, since the ones who mattered already knew about it and the others could care less. I guess I just wanted to let you know more about the life you saved.”

I was flattered by this. “I don’t know what to say… other than thank you for sharing.”

She smiled a lovely smile. “Thanks for saving me so I could.”

I returned her smile. “No worries. Say, what’s the best way to get a hold of you on a regular basis?”

She shrugged. “Hang around the post office.”

“Really? Where do you live?”

“About two houses back from the post office, which is why I moved there.”

I just nodded in assent. It seemed logical enough. “Makes sense. Well, I’d love to hang out with you some more sometime, so don’t be surprised if I come knocking one day.”

“I’ll try not to be. Have fun at work, Dave. I’ve gotta get started on my rounds. Bye!”

I waved farewell as the grey mare took to the skies in a plume of dust, staring after her for a moment before turning and walking the last few steps to the clinic.

Well… here goes another day at work…

The day passed uneventfully, seeing as how Sweeps was avoiding me like the plague. He wasn’t even trying to be inconspicuous about it either, seeing as how there was more than one occasion where I was walking down the hall towards him when he either turned around in place and walked away or ducked into a room to preclude interaction.

It was all just as well, though… I was happy to not have to deal with his shenanigans again. My mood was conflictingly bubbly and burdened; I was giddy with anticipation for Friday, but also somewhat downtrodden by the revelation of Derpy’s past tribulations. I found it difficult to believe that anypony could treat one so sweet as Derpy so poorly… after all, wasn’t “To Love and Tolerate” part of the Equestrian Creed or something? I thought it was, but I couldn’t be sure. I’d have to look that up later…

I was cleaning out a janitorial closet (for lack of better things to do), when I stumbled upon the thing I had been searching for: a faded poster of the Celestial crest, adorned with the words to the Equestrian Creed. It struck me where I’d seen this before… When I was working on the playground equipment at the school, I caught sight of this same poster through the window of a classroom, though that one had been in noticeably better shape. There were certain elements of the Creed that struck me as familiar… Quietly, I read the entire thing out loud to myself.

“I am an Equestrian citizen.
I live each day in service to the Princesses and in service to others.
I shall treat everypony as family, regardless of relation.
I will act as an ambassador to the Princesses in all I say and do.
I will conduct myself to bring credit to myself, my Princesses, and to our nation.
In all things, I will love and tolerate.
In all things, I will strive to embody the Elements of Harmony.
In times of darkness, Laughter will light my way.
In times of need, I am Generous with all I have.
I will meet spite with Kindness, as an act of Kindness begets the same.
To my Princesses and my family, I will always be Loyal.
I will embody Honesty in all I say and do, and I will live the virtues of honor and integrity.
Whether I be a Unicorn, Earth Pony, or Pegasus; I will share the Magic of Friendship.
I vow to uphold this Creed and live its virtues for all my days,
As a member of the Equestrian Nation,
United under the Princesses in whom we trust,
Indivisible, and with Love and Tolerance for all.”

Whoa… I just motivated myself a little bit. Spooky.

Also, I had been mostly right. It DID say that, essentially, you will love and tolerate everypony. Sure, the whole thing was incredibly nationalistic and borderline fanatical, but that is par for the course with creeds… A creed (in my opinion, anyways) is intended to stir feelings of loyalty and dedication to a cause, while also acting as a set of guidelines to upholding the values of the cause. To this end, the Equestrian Creed was spot on. Honestly, I really was inspired by it and the values it sets forth. Even tossing aside the nationalistic bits, it was a pretty good basis on which to base your day to day life and your interactions with others.

Now, if only we could get everypony to actually follow it… sighing, I closed the door and returned to my duties.

I ran into Joy for the first time that day at about noon, and she initially appeared every bit as radiant as ever. As I drew nearer though, I could see that she was still pretty tired from her shift-switching, as evidenced by the small bags under her eyes that hadn’t been there before, and that her mane was a tad unkempt. Even so, she was still captivatingly beautiful. She laughed at me when I told her so, but she still blushed.

After that meeting in the hallway, I didn't see her for the rest of my shift. When seventeen rolled around, I rolled out, heading downtown to satisfy a craving that had been haunting me all day… I was going to get myself a smoothie.

Apparently, I was not the only pony that had this idea. For the first time, I had to wait in line to slake my thirst. In total, there were almost a half dozen ponies in the joint, and I recognized a couple of them. When it was my turn to place an order, Berry's false smile melted away and was replaced by a genuine one as I stepped up to the counter.

"Hey there, Flyboy. How's it feel to be a hero?"

I shrugged slightly. "I wouldn't really know, Punchy."

"Punchy? That's the best you can do?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, mildly abashed. "Well… I'm terrible at this. Cut me some slack?"

She shook her head. "Not a chance, Flyboy. What can I do ya' for?"

"About tree fiddy."

I would just like to take a moment to say that I felt damned clever right there. See, Berry wouldn’t be expecting a joke like that from me… or so I thought.

"Deal. When and where?"

My head cocked to the side all on its own. "Deal? What deal?"

Then my brain decided to catch up with the rest of my body, and I had to try and figure out a way to get my hoof out of my mouth, with a quickness.

"Um, well, you see… I can't do that… because… what had happened was… "

Oh, this was going SWIMMINGLY. Suddenly, I had an idea; the second or so in a week! A personal best!

"… I have a marefriend, so I can't. Sorry, Berry."

And indeed, I was a bit sorry. One, I was sorry for leading her on (even though she really should have known this was going to happen), and two, I was a bit sorry that I couldn't actually take her up on that. Yeah, yeah, I shouldn’t be looking when I'm in a relationship, I got it. Still, it's pretty difficult not to notice when a beautiful mare shows a distinct interest in you, especially when you aren't used to such occurrences. Berry looked resigned, as though she had been hoping against hope that there was another possibility. Her smile was still present, though it was no longer genuine; it almost looked like a wet blanket being propped up on stakes, sagging under the weight of disappointment.

"It's fine, Dave. I figured you two were going to hook up sooner or later."

Unspoken, but as clear as day even to me, was the implication that Berry had been hoping it would be "later", and that she would have had a chance at me in the meantime.

"Heh, yeah… it was pretty obvious, wasn't it?"

This was met by a strained chuckle from the mauve mare, followed by tense silence.

"Hey Berry… do me a favor?"

She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Anything, Flyboy."

That "anything" came out WAAAAAY more than a little suggestive…

Ignoring this, I pressed on as if I'd not just been propositioned. "Don't tell anypony just yet. It's a surprise for Joy before the celebration this weekend."

At this, she immediately perked up. "So, wait. You aren't actually dating Joy yet?"

I know that tone…I needed to end this now, before things got out of hoof. "Not yet, technically, -" Berry's eyes lit up and she started to speak up to interrupt me, but I kept right on going. "-but as far as I'm concerned, I'm under contract already. I plan to ask her on Friday, and in the meantime I'm operating on the premise that she will say yes."

"As if she wouldn't… " Berry let her false smile collapse in defeat, her voice perfectly mirroring her melancholy appearance.

"Don't take it personally… it's nothing against you. If I weren't with somepony… "

Dammit. That was the single worst thing I could have said. I felt like a douche-waffle for ever letting it escape my face-hole. I refused to contemplate it anymore, as that leads to the inevitable "what-ifs".

Not again.

By the way, have I ever mentioned how much I hate being right sometimes?

"Well, I don-" I cut her off by holding up a hoof.

"-Stop right there. I'm not going there, Berry. Please, don't bring it up again, okay?"

I'd never seen a pony look as guilty as Berry did right then. She couldn't even so much as look me in the eye.

"A-alright. I'm sorry, Dave. I didn't mean to insinuate… So, how about a smoothie?"

Berry used her natural talent as a female to change the subject so quickly I got whiplash, as she went from a chastised mare to a perky one in an instant.

"Wha-…oh. Yes, please. The usual."

I paid my bits and carried my beverage to one of the outside café tables, mostly so I could enjoy the setting sun, but also to have some privacy to think. This latest thing with Berry makes things… complicated. I like these smoothies with borderline obsessive fervor, but I like Joy more. I refuse to risk what I have with Joy for some smoothies, but at the same time, I don't want to forsake the smoothies if I don’t have to. Hey, have you had one of these things? No? Then shaddup and stop judging me. These things are good.

I figured the best course of action in this situation would be to gently confront Berry and ask her to respect mine and Joy's relationship. Berry is a swell mare, and I have grown fond of her as a friend, so I would hate to lose the bond we shared over something so simple. I must have either been thinking harder than I realized or else under the influence of brain-freeze, because my thoughts were suddenly derailed by the sound of a sigh coming from right next to me.

Had I not been so mellowed out by this smoothie, I might have jumped out of my damned coat. I tensed up before I realized that it was Berry sitting next to me, having somehow taken her seat with the stealthiness of a ninja. I took a deep breath and turned to face her, and she immediately began to address me.

"Dave, first things first: don't interrupt me ‘till I'm done, okay?"

How can I interrupt you if you're already done? Instead of voicing this musing and possibly alienating Berry in the midst of some sort of revelation, I merely nodded.

"Good. I wanted to apologize for what I said and did back there. Dave, I'm sorry for that, from the bottom of my heart. I know you like Joy a lot, and you make her happier than I've seen her in a long time. I'm a terrible pony for even thinking about doing something that might have come between two of my friends."

I opened my mouth to offer consolation before immediately closing it, figuring she wasn't done yet. For once, I wasn't upset to be right.

"I'm not going to sugar coat this, that's more Pinkie's thing anyways. I like you Dave, and I know I shouldn't, but knowing it's wrong doesn't make me like you any less. It's useless to deny it, so I'll just put it out there. As much as I like you, I respect you more, and cherish Joy even more than that. So I promise you, Dave, that you'll never have to worry about this happening again, and I am really hoping we can still be friends. If not, though, I understand entirely."

Wow. That was… unexpected. Honestly, I'm not sure what I expected, but it wasn't that. I was about to start talking again when Berry continued her confession… thing. Okay, I'll wait.

"So, I've put all my cards on the table, the decision is yours to make. I do like you Dave. But I value our friendship more than that, and Joy's happiness most of all, so you'll never have to worry about this sort of thing again. And one last thing… again this is entirely up to you, but… is it possible not to tell Joy about this? I feel terrible enough about it as it is, and there's no reason to bring it up if we've resolved everything, right?"

That last supplication hung heavily in the air as the silence stretched on. I realized that Berry was done talking, and was instead waiting on a response from me. I took a deep breath to gather my thoughts before I turned to face her again, having begun to stare into the distance at some point.

"Berry, I value our friendship as well. Actually, I'd say that our priorities are on par for the most part… I value you as a friend, but I value Joy's friendship more. Nothing personal, it’s just that I've really bonded with her over this last week. That being said, I'm actually rather surprised by your actions, but in a good way."

Berry shot me a puzzled glance as she was trying to decide whether to look hopeful or downtrodden. I continued, if only to put her mind at ease.

"I guess I'm used to ponies who act significantly more foalish, but the way you stepped up and took responsibility for what you said and did really speaks to your maturity."

Berry shot me a look that could curdle milk.

"No, I'm not saying you're old, stop looking at me like that. I'm just saying that your actions reflect greater wisdom than most ponies'. Because of this, I feel like I can trust you enough to give you another chance. I really do value our friendship, Berry, and I would be remiss if I just let it slip away. To be fair though, this decision was really influenced by your apology, because of which, I feel comfortable that this won't happen again. As far as that last part goes though… that's a bit tougher. I understand your reason for this, and I sympathize with you; it wouldn't be right to ‘punish’ you for past mistakes, since they have been resolved."

I took a moment to pause and take a deep breath, both for dramatic effect and to gather my thoughts for my ultimatum.

"Even though I sympathize with you, I am still extremely hesitant to be anything less than forthcoming with Joy; especially at the beginning of a relationship, a period where you establish your trust in another pony. How would it bode for the rest of the relationship if I were to cover this up?"

"But Dave, I thought you said the situation was resolved, and that you could trust me? Why complicate things by bringing this up?"

"To be entirely fair, Berry, you're the one who complicated things. You are the one who put ME in a situation where I have to choose between being honest to my new marefriend, and potentially ruining a relationship between my new friend and aforementioned marefriend. Really, it shouldn’t even be a question of telling her; that is a courtesy afforded to you. But I am a sappy, sympathetic pony, and I wouldn't want to ruin Joy's day by telling her this tale. I'm going to need some time to think about this, Berry. Let me sleep on it, and I'll tell you what I've decided in the morning. Deal?"

Berry, who had been chewing on her lip for the entirety of my reply, rapidly jerked her head north and south, nervousness evident in each nod. She was apprehensive of my decision, and rightly so. She deserved it though, for putting me in the position to have to make such a decision. I rapidly polished off my smoothie and discarded my cup before setting off towards the last rays of the setting sun. Looking back, I locked eyes with Berry as she watched me leave from her new position behind the counter. Good… let her sweat.

Fuck… what I wouldn't give for some alcohol right now… I always think better when slightly inebriated. Unfortunately, my best bet for a reliable source of alcohol was currently staring holes in the back of my head as I walked away from her store. Just my luck, of course. Overhead in the distance, a flash of colors caught my eye. I’d barely identified the source of the colors before it had disappeared behind a cloud. That sunset had just gotten twenty percent cooler.

I walked into my home as the last rays of the sun faded to darkness, and had to do a double take. My home? Since when did I start thinking of it as my home? This was Joy's home, I just lived here.

Again, shaddup. No, they are not the same thing.

That was something for future Dave to be concerned with. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if someday he just popped out of thin air before me and smacked me in the head for dumping all these problems on him…

That would actually be something to look forward to… not so much the "getting punched in the forehead" part, but the part after that where you get to anticipate going back and time and getting retribution against Future you by taking it out on Past you. Though, with my luck, Past me would be the one to punch Present/ Future me when I went back in time to get my punch on.

Hmmm. Yeah, I think it's bedtime, I haven't had a coherent thought in almost five minutes. My brain has checked out for the day, and I should follow suit. I showered quickly, and I had a grin on my face the entire time from contemplating slipping into bed and tucking myself under that warm, fluffy sheet.

Man, if I could get a sheet as soft and cuddly as Rarity's coat, I'd never get out of bed. That reminds me, I need to get my ass down to the spa and get me some of whatever Rarity does when she is there… I would be irresistibly, huggably soft…

Yep, my brain has left for the day. Not just left, it's already driven home, had dinner with the wife, caught the game, and put the kids to bed. It was outta here.

Dinner with the wife… I remember those nights… dammit, I made myself sad. Wasn’t there something productive I was supposed to be doing? Some sort of decision? Ah, the thing with Berry.

I finished drying myself off and finally got into bed, taking a few moments to simply revel in the feeling of being off of my hooves and entirely comfy. My bliss was soon polluted by internal struggles as I tried to figure out this business with Berry.

On the one hoof, I understood her current position entirely. She had made a mistake, but she owned up to it and rectified it in an entirely satisfactory manner. To that end, it would be almost cruel to potentially destroy her relationship with Joy over something that was over and done with. Of course, this is assuming that Joy would have such a strongly negative reaction to the news… she might be angry, but I don’t really know her well enough to know if she would hold a grudge over that or just let it go. Best to prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Worst case scenario is that she entirely forsakes all interaction with Berry. Also, that would mean no more smoothies… truly; this is a terrible outcome for all involved.

On the other hoof, it would be a terrible way to start off our relationship if I hid this from Joy. Her friend had betrayed her trust by trying to hook up with me, despite being aware of Joy's feelings towards me. Though the situation had been rectified, the element of betrayal would still be there. Even so, with the situation wrapped up like it was, was it really worth it to potentially destroy a friendship (and forsake any future access to smoothies) over something that was no longer a viable problem?

The more I thought about it, the more I leaned towards not saying anything. It was a small betrayal of trust, but one that seemed to be in everypony's best interest. Mine, because I would still have smoothie privileges and Joy would still be friends with Berry; Berry's, because she would maintain a repeat customer and two friends; and finally Joy's, since she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of a friend’s betrayal.

I didn't like it, and it made me a little sick on the inside, but I had made up my mind: this would stay between Berry and me, for the sake of Joy. I'd leave a bit early for work to tell Berry about my decision.

Having further exhausting myself by all of this strenuous thinking, I drifted off to sleep swiftly, the arms of the sandmare folding me into their warm embrace.

My alarm went off at zero seven again, but this time I was roused from my slumber in a far less abrupt manner. Well, okay, it was equally abrupt, but it was softer. Instead of being ejected from the bed unceremoniously, I was merely beaten senseless with a pillow until I silenced the beeping demon on my hoof. Granted, I didn't have much sense that early in the morning, but I was thrashed soundly regardless.

Once the both of us were awake and moving, the morning went quickly. I scarfed down my breakfast even faster than usual, and it was a small miracle that I didn't choke to death in the process. I had gathered everything into my saddlebags and was about to head out the door when Joy called out to me.

"Dave? Aren't we walking together this morning?"

Crap. I'd forgotten that Joy and I were on the same shift now.

"Yeah, my bad. Brain's not working just yet. I was going to head over to Berry's and grab a small smoothie for the morning."

"I think we need to have a talk about your smoothie addiction… do we need to stage an intervention?"

"I'm not addicted! I can quit any time I want to. I just don’t want to."

We both giggled a bit at that as Joy wrapped the remainder of her breakfast muffin in a glow of magic and strode towards where I stood by the door.

"Unlike you, I have the coordination to do two things at once without dying. For instance, I can eat and walk. I know, I know… I'm amazing."

"Hey, that's my line… "

"What have I told you about lying to yourself?"

She smirked at me, and I damned near stuck my tongue out at her, but I bit down before I could make that mistake again. I could still feel the burn of the peppers, and everything had tasted a little bit… off… since the incident. However, in my zeal to prevent another "Pepper Incident" I had made a miscalculation as to the exact position of my tongue, and I swear to Luna it felt like I bit the damned thing in half.

It's a good thing I was holding my tongue with my hoof, otherwise I might have had to explain a few colorful profanities to Joy, and I'm not sure she would have survived the embarrassment. Taking my hoof away from my tongue, I saw it was positively drenched in blood. As soon as she caught sight of the carnage, Joy immediately went nurse-mode and ordered me to move my hoof so she could get a better look. Based on my past experiences involving my tongue and Joy's attentions to it, I was skeptical at best as to the benevolence of her intentions. I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth to try and see what the damage was by feel, and it did not bode well.

I might actually have bitten off the tip of my tongue… sonofa… again, Joy told me to stick out my tongue so she could get a look at the damage. I met her with the same skeptical gaze I had given her a moment ago. She responded with an exasperated sigh.

"I don't have time for this."

That was all the warning I got before I felt my mouth being forced open. Panicking, I bit down as hard as I could, and to my credit I managed to defeat this cheating unicorn magic with brute strength. Unfortunately, my tongue was once again in the way. I opened my mouth to holler in pain when I was distracted by an icy grip on my battered tasting-appendage. Joy looked at it for a second before she sighed heavily and addressed me, her tone practically dripping with sarcasm.

"Dave, I kinda like you. I'd appreciate it if you kept yourself in one piece for me, okay? And quit being such a little filly when I tell you to give me your tongue. If I ask for it, I won't be doing anything devious with it. At least, not in the near future."

I'm pretty sure that was too direct to even be considered innuendo, but at the moment I had bigger concerns.

"Really, though, you hurt yourself more than anypony I've ever met. You're lucky you have me around to patch you up. Hold still, this is going to feel weird."

All I can really say about that is that it is an almost criminal understatement to simply call it “weird”. It was like having a mouthful of fire ants and pop rocks. This felt almost as strange as having my wings itch, though not quite as alien. In but a moment, I could taste blue. Yes, I know blue is a color, not a flavor. No, I do not have whatever-it's-called that causes some people to hear smells and taste words. I think it was just a magic-induced thing. If my guess is right, then what I tasted was Joy's magical essence. Wanna know something that I found funny as hell? It tasted like Listerine… the blue one.

The sensation in my mouth faded along with the taste, and after a couple good swallows, so too did the taste of blood. Sticking my tongue out as far as it would reach, I went a bit cross-eyed as I tried to see if I had any sort of mark from the ordeal. My inquisition was interrupted by Joy's giggling. I realized how ridiculous I must look with my tongue out and my eyes crossed like that, and I quickly retracted my tongue. My eyes, however, were not being so cooperative. I blinked a few times and shook my head, and that worked to jar them loose, and they returned to their customary orientation.

Regarding Joy with a resigned expression written across my features, I gestured out the door as I opened it for her. She was still giggling as she walked out the door. As she walked by me, she gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

I tell you what, I have been hanging around this mare for too damned long… I picked up her innate ability to imitate a tomato at some point in time, and I was demonstrating my proficiency at doing just that. I was blushing so damn hard, it felt as if my face was on fire.

Joy's giggling redoubled as I tried to fight the blush growing on my face. It took nearly a block for me to get myself under control, and it took just about as long for Joy to stifle her giggles.

"The only reason I blushed like that was because you took me by surprise… "

"Uh-huh. Suuuuree. Keep telling yourself that."

Dammit… I just can't win for losing.

We drew within sight of Berry's smoothies as I was struck by a horrible realization. How the fuck was I supposed to tell Berry about my decision not to tell Joy without letting Joy on that something was amiss? Or worse, before Berry started apologizing for things Joy didn't know about yet? That… that would not go over well at all.

"Hey Joy? Grab a seat; I'll get the smoothies, m'kay?"

For a split second, I was worried she would call me out on this, and I'd have to make up an excuse for why I was doing this. Lady Luck must have been apologizing for the rest of my life right then, because Joy didn't question it.

"Oh my, what a gentlecolt. Alright, but remember to get them to go; we have to get to work soon."

"Roger, tracking."

"Roger? Tracking who? Are we following Roger?" Joy cocked her head in confusion.

"I'll… I'll explain on the way to work, alright?"

"You'd better. I’m so lost right now… how do you function like this?"

"Do what now?"

Joy facehoofed.

Dave: one. Joy: … a lot more.

I left her at the table to try to sort her brain out from the aftermath of my latest mind-fuckery as I went to the counter, both to order a pair of smoothies and give Berry the news.

"Morning, Berry. Two smalls to go, please and thank you."

"A couple smalls with legs, got it. Anything else?"

I looked around guiltily for potential witnesses, a gesture that Joy thankfully missed, and began in a conspiratorial whisper.

"Yeah. I've decided to keep this between us. I figured it would be the best solution for everypony involved, and preserve my access to these smoothies."

"Oh, thank Celestia. Joy is one of my oldest friends, and I can't imagine how I would deal with losing her because of something like this… it would be terrible. Thank you, Dave, for making the choice you did."

"Consider yourself lucky, Berry. If not for your speech yesterday, I think this would have turned out differently."

"Yeah… well, I'm glad that's settled. Though, if things don't work out between you two, I've got first dibbs."

I shot her my best "you've got to be fucking kidding me" expression, to which she replied with an uneasy grin and a quick backtrack.

"Heh… too soon to joke about it?"

"Yeah, just a bit. I'd like to not think about that, actually."

"Yeah, I understand. I'll try to censor myself for you, Flyboy."

Another moment passed before the smoothies were ready, and in the meantime I had a revelation. While ordinarily this would have been cause for a celebration (two thoughts in the span of twenty-four hours? Unheard of.), this thought didn't really count since it was food-related. When it comes to food, I can move mountains with my bare hooves and solve a rubix cube blindfolded (don't call my bluff, just… accept it).

The problem I was faced with was one which would be of no consequence to Joy and her cheating unicorn magic, but was seriously detrimental to my smoothie consumption potential. I did not come with any cup holders since I was the Base-Model Dave, nor could I walk on three legs while holding a drink. I was struck by brilliance so hard it might have left a bruise, but that mattered not in the glare of my glorious insight. I grabbed a hoof full of straws and began to put them together one at a time, end to end, in order to create a super-straw. When Berry turned away from the blending device to present me with the smoothies, she blinked in shock for a second at the nearly body-length straw that I had whipped up.

I took one of the smoothies from Berry and pushed one end of the straw into it before tucking the cup into my saddlebag. I clenched the other end of the straw in my teeth and sucked for all I was worth. Suggestive imagery aside, I nearly gave up before I finally coaxed some of the thick smoothie into my face-hole. Behind me, I could hear Berry snickering, though this was immaterial to me in the wake of my achievement. I balanced the other drink on my back and sauntered out to meet Joy, victorious.

She viewed my contraption of straws with amusement, but refrained from commenting on it. Instead, she merely wrapped her beverage in that azure glow of cheating telekinesis and floated it to her mouth, sipping loudly and gulping contentedly. Okay, go right ahead Joy. Rub it in a little more. I sipped bitterly on my smoothie, a futile endeavor if ever there was one. Ever try to look upset while sipping on heaven in a cup? It's not very effective.

By the time we arrived at the clinic, we were running slightly behind schedule, though we were not yet late. This is exactly why I aim to arrive fifteen minutes early to everything, and I took pleasure in pointing this out to Joy. She simply shrugged and said she just thought I was OCD or something. I was a bit upset at this for two reasons: first, she had simply dismissed my incredible foresight to arrive early to account for unanticipated delays with a shrug; and second, she shrugged while walking and sipping on a smoothie. How in the fuck did she do that? How is it even possible to shrug while walking as a quadruped creature?

I wanted to try it myself, but I knew that this would invariably end up with me being on the ground and Joy laughing hysterically. While I don't mind being laughed at by one so adorable, I didn't really look forward going into work covered in dirt and dust from my failed attempt to walk-shrug. Once I get a few minutes to myself though… shit was gonna be on like Donkey Kong.

We arrived as the clinic, and just before we split to go our separate ways, Joy stopped me for a moment.

"So, you gonna meet me for lunch?"

I nodded and smiled. "Yeah, I'd love to. When and where?"

"Um… how about lunch time… at the break room… "

I get it. Stupid question, stupid answer. "Aaaand roger. See you then, Nurse."

"Dang, you forgot to explain that to me on the way over here! You're fired as pony-who-remembers-things. I'll be taking over that one."

I did a regular, non-walking shrug. "To be honest, I'm about the most unqualified pony around to do that job."

Joy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, no kidding. Well, it's my job now, so you will be explaining it over lunch. Got it?"

"Yes, Nurse Joy. Tracking."

And the death-stare is a go…

I simply smiled and waved back as I set off towards the janitorial grotto to see if I had any special tasks for the day. In the hallway, I passed Sweeps and greeted him with a smile and a "good morning". He sneered and grunted in reply. Good to see you too, ass. I walked into the office and just about ran into Brass as she walked around the desk, having just finished writing some tasks on the board.

"Good morning, Brass."

"Morning, Dave. ’Fraid it's not such a good one though. On a related note, how familiar are you with steam powered High Volume Air Cleaners?"

"A steam driven H-VAC? Not at all, I'm afraid."

"I figured as much, but it couldn't hurt to ask. Since you've shown great potential the last few days by completing all of the duties for your section well before the end of your shift, I feel like you can handle a little something extra today. Grab that package for me?"

Brass nodded her head to a grease-stained object on the desk, secured (more like mummified) in a bundle of rags and twine. The oddly shaped bundle was about the size of my head, though a bit lumpier. I went to pick it up and was thrown off by its substantial heft. Trying again, I heaved it onto my back without undue difficulty. I turned back to Brass.

"Good. That's the drive component for the primary h-vac. We're running on the auxiliary right now, but it's not as efficient as this one. I need you to take it to our mech specialist, Technia. She lives a good ways out of town, so I wrote down the directions. Shouldn't take more than an hour to get there, but pack lunch just in case it takes her awhile to fix it. Questions?"

I shook my head.

"So you understand it all? Give me a back-brief."

"I take this drive component for the primary H-VAC to Technia out in the boondocks, and I need to pack a lunch in case it runs a bit long. It's about an hours' walk, but I have directions, and I should try to get back with a quickness."

"Alright, sounds like you've got a handle on this. Go ahead and head out, so you are hopefully back by lunch."

"Roger, moving."

"No, you don't have time to help Roger move. Get this done first, and you can help your buddy out on your own time."

Someday, I would learn.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm on it."

I set off before I could say something else that nopony but me understands. I quickened my pace, trying to ensure that I got back in time to have lunch with Joy. Man, I was REALLY looking forward to rubbing this in Sweeps' face when I got back… not only would I be having lunch with Joy, I would be doing it in the Nurse's Lounge. Take that, you ass.

I had been walking for about forty minutes when a couple small buildings in the center of a large clearing came into view as I rounded a bend in the trail. The area the buildings were in was oddly devoid of grass, shrubs, and trees for a good three hundred meters in all directions, the entire area having been paved in some form of crushed gravel aggregate. What really struck me as odd though was the fact that, out of the trio of structures, there wasn’t one of them that wasn't built in a bowl-shaped depression in the ground, each of which was ringed on three sides by an earthen wall. Only the fronts of the buildings were visible, and that was due to a gap in the fourth wall, the one facing me.

In the back of my mind, there was a pony giggling like an idiot. Holes in the fourth wall? Pinkie Pie has been here…

Hell, even I had to chuckle at that one.

My internal banter was cut short as I drew to within a hundred meters of the closest structure. The stillness of the clearing was shattered by the sound of a door being slammed open, and as I swiveled my head towards the sound, I saw a charcoal and crimson streak emerge from the building at a high rate of speed. The streak turned sharply as soon as it cleared the earthen wall, moving perpendicular to the opening in said wall. A moment later, the figure almost disappeared as it crouched and tucked itself into a small, blocky structure at the base of the wall.

About a dozen things clicked into place right about then. I know where I've seen buildings like these before. The ones I've seen were powder magazines, storing hundreds of pounds of explosives. The depression and the earthen barriers were designed to direct the blast wave upwards and out in the event of an explosion.

Next thing that clicked into place was the realization of why there was no vegetation out here. I hadn't noticed before, but the trio of buildings were positioned roughly in the center of a large circle of barren rock, likely to minimize the chance of a fire reaching the vicinity of the buildings, or conversely, to prevent a fire from spreading from the buildings to the surrounding area.

My next realization was the one that really got my ass moving. All of the signs pointed to the fact that this area was designed to handle explosions and/or fire. And a pony just ran out of one of those buildings as if said pony was on fire. And the door to that building was not only open, but facing my direction.

Whatever was about to happen, I was in a bad place to be.

I dropped to the ground and stayed as low as I could, trying to decide what to do next… head towards the tree line, or approach the charcoal streak?

Turns out, I didn't have very long to try and decide. The world turned an eerie green color, illuminated by a fireball so bright that it put the sun to shame. Everything happened in slow motion and in complete silence. I saw the light grow from within the building and then consume it; I clearly saw the roof fly away, surfing on the overpressure wave caused by the explosion; and finally, I saw that same pressure wave closing in on me… and closing fast. I barely got my hooves over my ears before the silence was shattered by a thunderous crash as the sounds of the detonation reached me. The blast was so powerful that I was lifted off the ground and sent tumbling for a bit by the force of the shockwave.

The green fireball rose into the sky, lofted as it was by heat that prickled my skin through my coat, even from over a hundred meters away. The fireball towered into the atmosphere, an emerald mushroom cloud creating a vacuum in its wake. Even as I slammed back into the ground and slid to a halt, once more a prisoner of gravity, a wind of incredible strength and speed was rushing to fill the vacuum, and it began pulling me backwards, towards the fire.

My hooves scrambled for purchase on the rocks, slipping uselessly across the small stones. I was being sucked towards the inferno at an alarming rate. The heat on my back grew at a seemingly exponential rate, and I swore I was either already on fire or about to combust from the intense heat. If something didn't change in the next two seconds, I'd be a very crispy, very dead pegasus.

I had an idea that would most likely leave me mild to moderately incapacitated in the near future, but incapacitated was better than dead any day. I sucked in a lungful of scorchingly hot air to brace myself in a last-ditch effort to save my own life.

I spread my wings to their fullest extent and tilted them towards the dirt to create downforce, effectively doubling or even tripling my apparent weight and allowing me to stand fast against the gale. I underestimated the efficiency of this maneuver, and I was almost stumbled under the downward force from my wings, which was easily five times my body weight. Though the nerves throughout my chest screamed in protest and pain, my wings sang as they sliced through the air. As the seconds wore on, the heat on my back and the wind sucking me towards certain death both lessened, and then faded entirely.

As soon as the wind died down to the point that I was no longer afraid of being swept away, I finally collapsed and succumbed to the screaming nerves in my chest. To my credit though, it wasn't the same pain as before, the pain of muscles tearing themselves apart; it was more of the ache of heavy exertion without stretching, a deep throbbing ache that promised hell in the morning.

I turned to investigate the scene of the explosion, and instead stood in awe, marveling at the incredible sight before me.

The mushroom cloud was a shimmering, kaleidoscopic mass of shifting shades of emerald and gold. The force of the explosion had punched a hole straight through the clouds, creating a perfectly circular patch of pristine sky. My wings twitched a little bit at the sight, earning me a slight stab of pain. I suddenly recalled what exactly it was that had drawn me here in the first place, and looked about frantically for the parcel. I was about a hundred meters out from the building when everything went to hell, and since I was currently only about thirty meters from the wreckage, that meant I should start looking in the direction from which I'd come.

Right about where I figured I was when everything went to hell, I found the drive component, apparently unscathed by the explosion. Shouldering the package once again, I set off towards the wreckage of the structure to see if there were any survivors, and hoping for all I was worth that I found nothing that was once a pony. I closed back to within thirty meters or so from the earthen wall when I heard somepony call out.

"Hey! You alright?"

Yeah, I'm totally okay. After all, it's not like I just about got sucked into a raging vortex of fire or anything… I turned towards the sound to offer my snarky comeback when my response was cut short.

"Yeah, I'm-"

Emerging from a small masonry hut at the base of the wall was the charcoal streak I had seen earlier, looking none the worse for wear.

"Good to hear it. Name's Technia, Tech for short. Techy, if you have no desire to continue living. Cool explosion, huh? It’s just not Wednesday without one, though that was bigger than most."

"Aside from me almost dying, it was pretty exhilarating. My name's Dave, pleased to meet you."

My offered hoof was shaken vigorously, and I had a moment to take in a few more details about this unicorn mare. One, her grip was as firm as any stallion I'd met, proof that she worked with her hooves quite frequently. Second, her mane was crimson and grey, the gray in her mane being a few shades lighter than her coat. Finally, her eyes… I do recall mentioning the profusion of incredible irises that abound in this town at some point in the past, and these were no exception.

To call them simply green would be an understatement on the same order as if one said "Pinkie Pie is odd", "Fire is warm", or "Dave sometimes makes bad choices". They were a vibrant emerald color that I found to be reminiscent of the mushroom cloud that had finally begun to dissipate.

The moment passed, and the shifting weight of the drive component against my tender-and-likely-burnt back reminded me of my purpose for this visit.

"Technia? I've actually come all the way out here from the clinic to see if you could repair the drive component for the primary h-vac."

"Repair it? Honey, I built the damn thing."

Whoa.

"Sounds like I came to the right mare. How long to fix it?"

"Do you know what's wrong with it?"

I shrugged, the heavy parcel rubbing in a sore spot across my shoulders. "Not a clue. I wasn't the one who pulled it; I just carried it out here."

"Alright. Let's head to my shop so I can see what I'm dealing with."

It boggled my mind a bit how… normal this mare was acting in the wake of such a massive explosion. I tried not to contemplate it too much. Maybe she was serious when she said this happens every Wednesday? It makes me wonder if it was intentional or not…

We walked past the wreckage of the building, which was still crackling and popping from the heat. I noticed something interesting about the structure as I walked past it though… all of the walls, doors, and the ceiling were gone entirely, yet the frame of the structure was intact, apparently composed of some high-strength alloy.

"Hey, Technia? I noticed that the frame of the structure is still standing, whereas everything else is completely gone. I'm guessing that the walls and ceiling are designed to break away in a blast, whereas the support framework was designed to do the opposite?"

Technia cast me a sidelong glance, reevaluating the pegasus that was trailing her.

"Pretty observant, Dave. And your guess was spot on. It's easier to replace panels that are a standard size and shape than to rebuild and re-frame an entire structure. The beams are an alloy of my own design, fortified with a bit of magic. I'm proud of this one, actually. The alloy is strengthened by the sun, absorbing its energy and storing it as magic within its molecular structure. When subjected to a great strain, like an explosion for instance, the material will obviously break down to some degree. Here's the genius bit: as the molecular structure breaks down, it releases the stored energy; energy which is then used by the structure to repair itself by way of a repair spell interwoven into the molecular structure during the casting process."

"That… that's brilliant, Technia. How'd you come up with the idea?"

"I was inspired by a piece of shrapnel that embedded itself in my fetlock as a result of a smaller explosion a few years ago. I got the piece out easy enough, and I was in the process of a simple healing spell when the idea came to me. Obviously, it required extensive explosive testing… "

She was grinning deviously as she concluded her explanation, and I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if she was drooling a bit. I got the same way with firearms back on earth, so I knew the feeling.

We entered her workshop, a dimly lit shack that was positively overflowing with random odds and ends. All around, there were projects at various stages of completion. We passed by a workbench with a large light overhead, providing enough light for the entire shack. There is no way that this workshop was capable of producing the intricate machines that lay scattered about… It made me wonder where they came from. We kept heading towards the back of the shop, and I figured we were arriving at our destination, since there was nowhere else to go.

Once again, I was wrong, and gloriously so.

Tech pulled a lever that was blended perfectly into the wall, and from deep below there was a loud clanging, followed by silence. About a second later, there was a soft hiss as the floor panels slid away, revealing a startlingly clean set of stairs. In the wake of the clutter of the shop we just walked through, this area seemed nearly sterile by comparison.

At the bottom of the stairs, there was a short hallway that ended at a blank door. No handle, nothing. As Tech approached it, the door slid open seemingly of its own accord. Well… that was new. Apparently, Equestria has automatic doors now. As if she had the power to sense my astonishment, Tech spoke up.

"Pressure plate in the floor, calibrated to my exact weight. If anypony else who doesn’t weigh exactly as much as I do tries to open the door, it'll trigger a trap door. Don't worry, though. I've already disarmed it for you, so you can enter safely."

"Appreciate it. Seems like an awful lot of security for a workshop."

"For an ordinary workshop, yes. But this is Technia's Workshop. Some of the tech in here is a decade ahead of its time, and I can't have industrial spies or anything like that just being able to waltz in here all willy-nilly."

"Makes sense, I suppose. Hey, Tech? I have a question that's been bugging me since I got here."

"And what's that, Dave?"

What in the blazing green fuck detonated as I walked up today?

"I was just curious what was responsible for that explosion earlier. I've never seen flames like that before."

Except this one time, in a dream about an Elder God reaching down from the depths of the abyss to take me back to earth…

"I was working on a way to amplify a bit of Dragon Fire using its magical resonance, as a part of another project. My goal is to create a viable source of energy, small enough to be carried by a single stallion, yet powerful enough to power a small village. Well, I was successful… a bit too successful. The reaction cascaded out of control, but I learned a good deal about the points of failure to correct them next time. It should be ready for another test in a week or so."

So, next Wednesday then. I think I know how the test will end…

We entered a “clean room” of sorts, with tools and various nefarious-looking devices all neatly arranged on pegs jutting from the walls. In the center of the far wall was a work table with a polished steel surface, buffed so well it was just shy of being reflective. Tech instructed me to set the bundle down on the bench, and I was more than happy to oblige. My chest still ached from my stunt earlier, I was somewhat tender from the probable burns on my topside, and that damned thing was heavy after a while. It probably weighed a good twenty or twenty-five kilos.

No sooner had I set it down than it was enveloped in a soft crimson glow and unwrapped. What lay before me was some inconceivable mass of pipes and tubes of various diameters, all sprouting from a single central cylinder. The drive component was floating idly in front of Tech's face, rotating slowly. With a small "ahh" of comprehension, she reached over to a tube hanging at the edge of the bench and attached a small fitting to the end of it, causing it to emit a sharp hiss. It appeared to be a nozzle for compressed air… the rest of my thoughts were drowned out by the piercingly loud hiss emanating from the nozzle, confirming my suspicion.

After a few short bursts of compressed air in various ports on the device, a rattling sound echoed from within the device. As Tech rolled it over, she hit it with a last blast of air, causing a conglomeration of white rocks and powder to be forcefully ejected from another port. Turning it a few more times and hitting it with another inquisitive blast of air, Tech nodded in satisfaction and returned it to its mummified state.

"Dave, tell your boss she needs to clean out the water filter. Got a calcium buildup in the feeder line, and that's what caused the failure. Good as new now, though. Anything else?"

All of that, and it only took Tech thirty seconds to diagnose and fix the problem. It would take a hundred times as long to walk back to the clinic as it did to fix the component. I was struck by another notion just as I was getting ready to say my farewells.

"Actually, one last thing. Okay, I lied… two things. First, have you ever considered teaching somepony at the clinic how to do basic maintenance on the components in use there? Nothing about the secret inner workings or trade secrets or anything like that, just basic fixes and troubleshooting steps so we don’t have to cart stuff all the way out here whenever something stops working… "

Tech smiled at me. "I was actually wondering when somepony would get around to asking about that. I've got no problem with it at all, seeing as how it saves me some work, and saves you the walk."

I sighed in relief. "Awesome, I'll let Brass know, and you two can work the details. My second question is why you would let somepony like me just sorta… stroll into your lab like this? This whole workshop seems to be chock-full of secret stuff… aren't you worried I'll muck something up?"

She chuckled quietly to herself. "Dave, you give yourself too much credit. There's no way you could get your hooves on anything critical, and even less possibility of you making it out of here with it. Aside from that, if Brass sent you, it means she trusts you. If she trusts you, then so do I. Then again, she sent you on Wednesday, so it’s possible she really dislikes you… never mind, that’s not quite her style. Anything else?"

"Nope, that's all I've got. Walk me out?"

"I was going to. Wouldn't want you to activate any control measures on the way out… it's a pain to clean them up, and I really don’t have the energy for that right now."

Technia walked me out and sent me off with a wave, and I began the long trek back to the clinic. On the bright side, it was only half past ten and the weather was lovely. I'd arrive at work with plenty of time before lunch, and without breaking a sweat on top of it.

By the time I got back to work, I was a little sweaty and I was running a quarter hour behind schedule. The burns on my back were beginning to really hurt, and I kept having to slow my pace so I could adjust my burden. The last half-dozen blocks were the worst, because that's when I started sweating. As soon as I began to perspire, the salty liquid made its way to every single cut and abrasion on my burned back and reminded me what fire felt like. You know, just in case I forgot or something.

I walked into the janitors' closet and set the device on the desk as gingerly as I could, not wanting to damage one of the tubes and have to repeat my trek. Brass was at the board when I entered, but she turned around to address me when I set the drive component on the desk. She pivoted to face me, and did a double take as she got a good look at me.

"Dave? Are you okay? What the hay happened to you?"

"Wednesday. Wednesday happened."

Brass initially looked baffled, but that expression was swiftly followed by understanding, and shame wrapped up the trifecta.

"Dave, I'm so sorry. I forgot today was Wednesday, otherwise I would have gone myself." She let out a low whistle as she surveyed the damage to my torso. "I take it that the explosion today was rather large? How far away were you, twenty meters?"

"A hundred. A hundred meters out."

Brass' jaw hit the floor. Literally. She had a "Pinkie moment" and broke physics for a bit. If I wasn't in such terrible shape right then, I might have laughed. "You were a hundred meters out, and it still did this?"

"Yeah. I figured out what was happening just in time to hit the deck and cover my ears. I was blown probably three or four meters back, but when the mushroom cloud rose and the back draft flared up, I was pulled in to less than thirty meters."

Brass' jaw was no longer on the floor, but it was silently mouthing the words "mushroom cloud" over and over.

My stomach growled to remind me of my lunch date, and so I spoke up.

"Brass, I feel like I just got caught under a stampede of buffalo. Mind if I go get some medical attention and lunch? Not necessarily in that order… "

"No, not at all. Take an extra thirty and get seen by one of the Nurses. Come back at thirteen."

"Alright. Oh, one last thing. Technia has offered to teach one of us how to do basic maintenance and repair on her systems in the clinic, she just needs to coordinate with you for the training schedule."

"Really? I'd wanted to ask her about that, but she can be so protective of some of her devices, I thought it would be a bad idea to bring it up. Good initiative, Dave. I like to see that in team members."

"Team members?"

"Yes, team members. We are all part of the Sanitation and Maintenance team, and we need to work together as such to be effective. Didn't Sweeps tell you about that?"

"No, I must have missed that part. Oh, one more thing. Tech says you need to clean the water filter, calcium buildup is what caused the failure in the drive component."

I saw Brass facehoof, and it was magical.

I left on that note, wanting to end the conversation on a high note. I wandered through the hallways in the wing Joy usually worked in, and after a moment I spotted her.

She was simply adorable in her scrubs… it was just so delightfully tacky, I could feel my diabeetus growing stronger. I called out to her to let her know I would be waiting for her, and she acknowledged with a nod. My next thought was one that brought a grin to my face despite my injuries… I have a date with Joy on Friday, whether she knew it or not. I'd thought to check the schedule and I was pleased as punch to see that we both had Friday and Saturday off.

After a minute (or seven) of waiting, Joy finally emerged from the hall with her lunch in tow. Joy looked concerned as soon as she got a good look at me, but I quickly assuaged her fears.

"I'm fine, Joy. There was an explosion, but everypony is fine. I'm more hungry than hurt, though, so let's eat first."

Well… I tried to, anyways.

"A… a whatnow? Explosion? You've got to fill me in on this one."

"Over lunch, m'kay?"

"Alright, over lunch then."

Joy and I walked flank to flank, partly to take up less space in the hallway, but also because we each simply enjoyed the proximity of the other. As the icing on the cake, Sweeps came around the corner with a plunger in his mouth just as Joy and I entered the Nurse's Lounge. The look on his face was worth every second of torment he would attempt to inflict on me for this. Over lunch, I filled Joy in on the events of the morning, downplaying the explosion as much as possible in a (vain) attempt to keep her from worrying too much about me.

By the time I had finished my lunch, Joy had managed to needle the whole story out of me, despite my best efforts. She'd known me for a week, and she could already read me like a book. Well… that's gonna make things interesting in the future. While she was initially peeved that I hadn't told her the whole story from the get-go, she soon understood why I did it as I was explaining how I was almost sucked into the fire, and was forced to ask me to stop. Well… I tried to warn her.

Once we finished our lunch, Joy hustled me to an empty screening room so she could patch up all of my cuts and scrapes, so they didn't become infected. We navigated through a series of twists and turns until we arrived at what is possibly the most remote screening room in the entire clinic. She ushered me into the small room and entered behind me, closing and locking the door behind her.

Well… that's not a good sign.

Joy looked me over again, chewing her lip nervously as she assessed my wounds. She pulled up a stool and sat me on it rather roughly, before disappearing and rummaging through a cabinet behind me. I swiveled on the chair to see what she was up to, but I was immediately distracted by spinning on the chair. I didn’t give a damn how old I was, this was friggin' fun. I spun myself dizzy and then just sat still and waited for the room to stop spinning, so I could do it again. I heard an affectionate sigh from somewhere to my left. I turned to face the noise, and I was met by a mass of blue. My eyes were entirely too busy spinning in circles to focus on anything, so I just sat there and waited for them to tire themselves out.

"With you around, Dave, who needs children?"

"My thoughts exactly. Weeeeee!"

That earned a chuckle from Joy. She soon halted my fun so she could treat my wounds, something that is rather difficult to do on a moving patient. As I sat on my stool, she pulled up another chair and positioned it behind me, so that she could sit down while she cleaned me up. One thing I noticed was that her chest was pressed firmly against my back as she tended to the scrapes on my shoulders. I could feel her every breath, every beat of her heart. Her pulse steadily quickened as she bandaged me… this was a little disconcerting.

She had finished tending to my injuries (I looked like a walking advertisement for Band-aids), but she remained sitting behind me, tracing her hooves along the contours of my neck and the outlines of my shoulders. It was immensely relaxing, but at the same time I felt a familiar feeling that was growing stronger by the moment. I stretched languidly, rolling my shoulders and my wing joints a few times. Not only did this feel amazing, but it also served to stop Joy in her tracks. I stood up and walked to the door, rearing up on my back hooves and reaching my forehooves towards the ceiling, while bracing myself against the door. Despite being stretched out the full length of my body, I still felt a lingering tightness that just wouldn’t go away.

Propped up against the door in my current position, I was in the largest open space in the room, all of the cabinets being arranged on the side of the room opposite the door. I decided that this was as good a place as any to stretch my wings, and I did just that. Still leaning up against the door, I slowly fanned my wings out to their fullest extent, feeling the primaries brush up against the ceiling and the walls as they fanned. If I had to guess, I'd say that my wings were about two meters each when fully extended, a considerable span when you account for the fact that I was only about a meter and a half tall by my best estimate.

What happened next took me entirely by surprise, and made things significantly more complicated.

I felt a hoof slowly trace its way from the base of my left wing to the end of the second joint. Oh dear Luna, that felt amazing. Unfortunately, you know that they say about wings? It is true… very, very true. Almost instantly, I felt my flight muscles lock up, drawing my wings out from my sides so that they were oriented perpendicular to the floor when I dropped to my hooves.

“Your wings… they’re so soft… “

Fuck… fuckfuckfuck.

I needed to get out of this situation, but in my current condition I couldn't very well leave the room… I needed to do the impossible: I needed to think.

Man, I'm so boned… and that's just the problem… I didn't want to be, not like this anyways. Heh… if I was in this position back on earth, as a single male being seduced by an attractive Nurse, there would be no question as to my next actions. Something within me had changed when I came to Equestria, though, and not just the wings. I was a bad person on earth, and I felt like this was my chance to redeem myself for all the wrongs I'd done. I had to do better.

A touching sentiment, but the "great creator" or whatever it was called here is a sadistic bastard, and I had only enough blood for one brain at a time… and the balance of power was shifting, so to speak, though not in my favor. Then suddenly, I was struck by inspiration yet again. If you get struck by enough inspiration, can it reverse dain bramage? If so, I'd be a pretty fart smeller sooner than later.

I began to talk about one thing I knew would end Joy's… drive, so to speak.

"You know what sounds amazing right now? Fried chicken…"

Boom, headshot. I killed the mood so hard, it died to death. Like a boss.

Joy suddenly looked a little pale. "I'm suddenly not feeling so good… "

"Sorry about that, love. You know where I stand on this, and I was fighting a losing battle."

She looked at me with an expression that was hard to place. "Well, I think you made your point. I'm… I'm going to get some fresh air."

Now I felt kinda bad… maybe that was too low of a blow.

"Hey, Joy?"

She seemed more than a little queasy as she turned to look at me. I closed the distance between us and stood side by side with her, forcing my still-mostly-rigid wing to drape across her in an approximation of a hug. I used my wing to squeeze her a little, like a tight embrace. Using my other wing, and demonstrating finesse I had no idea I possessed, I used a few feathers to raise her face to mine. Our eyes locked for a comfortable eternity, and almost of their own accord our lips met in a tender kiss. We held the kiss for a moment before separating, as we each did a decent impression of a tomato. Joy was sporting a big, goofy grin, and I'm pretty sure mine was just as big and goofy, if not more so. Joy broke the silence.

"I… I liked that. Can… can we do that again?"

"I don't see why not… "

Our grins got bigger still, if such a thing was even possible. I felt like my face was going to break. Once more, our lips met, though this time the embrace lasted longer still. If I was red before, I had to be glowing now. This time, it was I who broke the silence.

"So, Joy… got any plans for Friday night?"

She looked at me with the most adorable little smirk I'd ever seen and raised one eyebrow.

"Not that I know of. Why do you ask?"

"Well, would it be possible for me to persuade you to accompany me on a twilight picnic?"

She pretended to be surprised. "Why, Dave… are you asking me out?"

"Indeed I am, my dear. Would you like to go out on a date with me this Friday?"

She scoffed at the notion. "Is that even a question? Yes, of course I'll go with you. I was going to give you another week before I asked YOU out."

I grinned like a fool, from ear to ear. "Then it's settled! I'll pick you up Friday, at seventeen on the dot."

Joy looked a bit incredulous at this one.

"Pick me up? But… we live together. How's that going to work?"

"Well, I have a few errands to run before then, so I'll meet you at the designated time and place. Sound good?"

"Sounds perfect," she said with a demure smile.

We shared another embrace and a kiss. Yeah, I could get used to this.

It took another few moments for me to get myself under control enough to leave the room without arousing anypony's suspicions. Granted, this likely would have been a lot faster if I didn't have Joy snuggled under my wing, but I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything. I suppose it was the rough equivalent of draping your arm over the one you adore, though it was a bit more intimate, given the nature of the draped appendage.

Once we made our way back to the main hall, we went our separate ways to arrive at our respective places of duty. I walked into the janitorial office at precisely a quarter till, this huge grin still painted on my face. I had a friggin marefriend. How awesome was that?

I arrived in the office to discover that it was empty. I pulled up a chair to wait for Brass to show up, and I had barely taken a seat before she walked into the office. I hopped to my hooves as a sign of respect (a habit I would likely never break, not that I minded). As soon as she saw me, Brass spoke up.

"Ah, just the pony I wanted to see. I sent a letter to Technia before lunch asking about the training thing, and I wasn't even finished with my meal before that grey pegasus mare dropped by with her reply. And I mean that she literally dropped by, as in she almost took out the couple dining next to me. I thought it was hilarious, but they had a different opinion. Regardless, Tech is willing to start training somepony as early as Monday. She also mentioned that it would take about a week to teach somepony with a working knowledge of mechanical theory and a good work ethic, and a lot longer if they are unmotivated or unskilled. So, I want you to train with her and learn everything you can about the systems here in the clinic, that way if anything ever breaks we can just call you instead of trying to get a hold of Tech."

"Okay, I think I can handle that. Not trying to get out of the position or anything, but why not Sweeps? He's been around longer than I have."

"He has certainly been here longer, but he lacks your motivation, drive, and ingenuity."

"Well, I'm flattered. But who is going to handle my portion of the duties here while I'm learning from Tech?"

"I've got that covered. There's a new clinic being opened on the other side of town soon, so we might as well train a couple extra ponies how to do this job in a medical environment before it opens. That way, they will have at least some sort of experience when it becomes operational instead of starting from zero."

"Well, alright then. Sounds like you have all the angles covered, which explains why you're the boss. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, Brass."

I caught sight of a predatory glint in her eye. It vanished as quickly as it had appeared, but there was no mistaking what I saw. Fuck me running, not her too! Was there something in the water? Must be, because even in my most egomaniacal flights of fancy I wasn’t this popular with the mares. And of course this would happen to me as soon as I found a truly incredible mare who wanted to be with me. But if we ever broke up for some reason, I knew there wouldn't be an available mare in all of Equestria who would want anything to do with me.

Madness! Madness, I say!

I excused myself from the office and got busy, attempting to catch up on my duties. I had a good four hours to finish all of my tasks, but even that would be cutting it close. I threw myself at my tasks to the exclusion of all else, and my zealous motivation allowing me to finish the entirety of my tasks without a moment to spare. I had just enough time to pack away the last of the cleaning supplies and go to the office to hang up my jumpsuit before the clock struck seventeen. I met up with Joy in the lobby and we walked home flank to flank, so close together that if not for the vastly different color of our coats, we might have appeared to be a single pony… from a distance… if you squint really hard. Bah, that's not the point.

As we walked home, I gave Joy a brief rundown of the important things that had happened since lunch was over… needless to say, the list was a very short one, consisting solely of my upcoming training with Technia. Joy's day was a bit more eventful than mine, regardless of how mundane she thought it was.

In one day, she had helped to treat almost two dozen ponies with ailments that varied from the common cold, to a particularly strange case indeed, where a colt somehow managed to get his hoof stuck in a bottle of mayonnaise, of all things. I tried not to think about how that was possible, it made my brain hurt to contemplate it.

By the time we walked into the house, Joy had just finished recounting her tale of Mister Mayo Hoof. Our activities towards the end of lunch had left us both in a good humor, and I noticed that we would burst into a giggling fit at the slightest provocation. This in and of itself was immensely amusing, and once I told Joy about what I'd noticed, we both laughed that much harder, since we were laughing at the fact we were laughing at such silly things.

You know that overly affectionate couple that is just so completely in love that they have to go around and be all smoochy everywhere, at all times? Yeah, well, we were that couple right then. Joy was in the process of preparing some form of epic victory feast to celebrate, though it struck me as a slightly odd thing to celebrate, my asking her out. Every few minutes I would get off the couch, or stop chopping veggies, or whatever I happened to be doing at the moment to go over to her and give her a nuzzle, a peck on the cheek, a kiss on the lips, or more often than not, all three.

I have no recollection of exactly when I had become such an emotional drip, but in the back of my head, even I could see that this was a bit over the top. In my defense though, she was an excellent kisser, and it was so nice not to have to try and hold back any affection whatsoever. I've always been affectionate, and this is doubly so when I'm in a good mood, and even more so when I'm excited about something (not like that… that leads to a different form of affection), and when you added them all up, I was a veritable affection dispenser.

I can't help it; I have a tendency to get carried away sometimes.

By the time dinner was served, my face was on fire from smiling so damned much, which I (quite ironically) found to be utterly hilarious. Dinner consisted of a heaping serving of salad with some fancy-sounding lettuce, bits of fruits and veggies sprinkled in it and served as a side, and to top it all off was strawberry ice cream for dessert. That night, we ate like kings. Or rather, as Princesses (shaddup), as the case may be.

I was still giddy from the events of the day, which was one of the best days of my life overall up to that point, and bar none the best day in Equestria so far. I cannot fully express how much I was looking forward to an entire lifetime with this mare. Go ahead; tell me I'm rushing into things, that it's still puppy love, we don’t really even know each other, blah blah blah. I know, I said the same things to myself a thousand times that night, urging myself to calm down, to take it slow. No matter what I tried though, I couldn't shake the vision of us growing old together, the cries of a foal, the joys and suffering of parenthood. I looked forward to being a better dad than I had been on earth, if for no other reason than to try and atone for my emotional distance from my son.

That night Joy and I slept with our limbs intertwined, lying face to face, having drifted off in the midst of a conversation. Well, she drifted off in the middle of it; I was still pretty much wide awake. Her sleep schedule was still a bit bonkers due to her shift-swapping, so I didn’t mind it. As she drifted away into the unknowable realms of her mind, I just lay there and tried in vain to drift off into my own dreamscape. I remember staring at her sleeping form and swearing on my life and everything I held dear that no harm should ever befall her so long as I drew breath. Vaguely, I realized that this was all moving way too damned fast, that I wasn't so much falling in love as plummeting recklessly into it.

The perfect example of this was the fact that I even thought about the phrase "love" at all. I was never one to go around and throw the L word around all willy-nilly. To me, doing such a thing lessened its significance and somehow made the whole thing almost dirty. Love was something special, something I'd never had the capability to express, either in words or via actions. I had a vague concept of what it was to love and to be loved, but I'd never felt that way about anything. Until now, that is.

I really and truly believe that being in Equestria had changed me somehow, putting me more in touch with my emotions and those of the ponies around me than I had ever been before. I was feeling things I'd never felt before, and it scared me a bit. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to open my heart to somepony for the first time and live to regret it. I was terrified of this growing emotional attachment, but at the same time, it was exhilarating.

The little pony in the back of my mind was freaking the hell out, thrashing against his bonds for all he was worth to escape the madness. The voice in my head was screaming at me to stay distant, don’t get too close. Deep down, I think I was truly afraid to get close to her, to lower my walls and let her in. Another voice rose to counter the first, simply stating that a life without love isn't worth living. Love is a risky business.

I don't recall how or when I drifted off to sleep, but at some point I found myself walking down the main avenue in Ponyville. The sky was an ominous gray twilight from horizon to horizon, darkening to pitch black directly overhead. The entire scene was a monochromatic hell. The darkness overhead almost beckoned me to look at it, and though I only stared into the blackness for a second, I'd never do it again. The blackness was so absolute that it was impossible to judge the distance of it. I was immediately struck by the notion that by staring at it, I was inviting it, and I could almost feel the blackness pressing down around me, suffocating me.

I tore my eyes from the sky, sucking in breaths that felt like ice in my lungs. I was driven to my knees by the weight of my dread. I knelt there in the darkness for an eternity, unmoving, unfeeling, and uncaring. The sound of footsteps approaching from the blackness jolted me from my state. I don't know how, but I knew that it was footsteps that were closing in on where I sat, and not hooves. Emerging from the tangible darkness that cloaked this world was a familiar face.

It was mine.

I rose to my hooves, watching David as David watched me. He spoke first.

"Aw, look. You're a pony. How's that feel?"

"What do you want? What contrived message is my subconscious trying to deliver?"

He (I?) smirked at me. "Right to the point, same as ever. Some things will never change."

"That’s not the right answer."

"Fine, if you so badly want to know, here it is. Do me a favor and shut the fuck up till I'm done, alright? Good. First, I'd like to introduce myself. I look like you, but I am not you. I’m David, and I am the manifestation of all your human natures, urges, and shit like that. You? You are Dave, the conjured, contrived projection of your own desires to live in Ponyville. Notice, I didn't say 'to be a pony', it's not that simple."

"You are the conglomeration of all the values and virtues you associate with this world, wrapped up in the desire to live in a world free of hatred, spite, malice, greed, and selfishness. In essence, everything that made you human. Since these traits were not 'compatible' with your naïve, idealistic perception of what this world should be, you cast them out when you crossed the divide. How you did this while maintaining the structural integrity of your soul is beyond me. But, here we are. Maybe you've figured it out by now. Maybe not. Either way, I'll lay it out for you. "

"When you crossed over, you tore out the fragments of your soul that didn't fit into your plans. I am the amalgamation of those parts of yourself that you forsook, rejected. I am the manifestation of the parts of yourself that you hated, the fragments of you that weren't good enough. As you hated these parts of yourself, I hate you. I hate you in a way you were never able to hate before, because your rage and malice were muddled by useless things like 'pity', 'remorse', and 'forgiveness'. Fucking useless, the lot of them."

"I suppose I should thank you, though. By rejecting these parts of yourself, you gave me everything I'll ever need. I have a form now, a body made in the image of everything about yourself that you despised. I have a purpose as well, to tear the last fragments of your soul asunder, the same way you did to me. I will never rest until I pay you back for your betrayal, your rejection. I will tear from you everything that you hold dear, I will make you watch it all die. And finally, you have given me the drive to do these things. Hatred is a powerful motivator, Dave. Too bad you forsook that as well. I am anger. I am rage, I am spite, and I am bloodlust."

"I am all of these things because of you, Dave. I am all of this, and I will be your end. Relish the days you have left, for they are numbered, and I am the one who is counting them down. Leave this place, Dave. I forbid you to return to my home."

In the space behind my eyes, there was an explosion of pain, crimson and white in its intensity. My eyes snapped open as if spring-loaded, and I was still reeling from the dream and its abrupt ending. Had I just been kicked out of my own fucking mind? I really was out of my damned mind. My eyes adjusted to the dim light of the living room, and I began to trace Joy's features with my eyes, my gaze following the familiar contours back and forth. This was incredibly calming, and I could feel the anxiety of the dream fade a little bit as I took comfort from Joy's proximity. I reached up a hoof and gently stroked her cheek as she slept, and I couldn’t help but smile as she nuzzled my hoof in her sleep.

The nightmare was… frighteningly vivid, terrifying in its clarity and cohesion. It raised questions that I wasn't sure I wanted answers to; and despite the fact that it was incredibly over-dramatic, it cast light on self-doubts I didn't know I had. Even as bad as this nightmare was, there was still some hope for me. Simply looking at Joy was enough to quell the fear in the pit of my stomach, and as I held my hoof up against hers, I was struck by how small hers was next to mine. It looked so… frail, so delicate. I would protect this mare with my life till the end of my days. I'd never wanted anything more than I presently desired to grow old beside this mare, to share with her the trials and tribulations of life and of love. I had something that nopony else had ever gotten: a second chance at life, a chance to make things right. I drifted off to sleep again, though this time I dreamed in color; I dreamed of blue.

Author's Notes:

Edited 22 NOV 15