I twisted and turned through the portal. If anything... and I mean anything I'm probably going to end up in Equestria in about 5 minutes. While I was turning a tree starting twisted towards me. What was it? A tree! When it rammed into me the chainsaw was removed from my nub and it disappeared somewhere in space and time.

"Fucking nature!" I yelled shooting the tree to pieces. I quickly reloaded with my one hand and re-holstered it. This sucks. This really fucking sucks. I can't even catch a break. Not one. I take a nap in a cabin and I unleashed the army of darkness. "*sigh* When will this end?"

"Never." said a man looking out a window which flew by me. I could only see his face but not his body. Must be a magic mirror.

"Wait I know you... Ron Jeremy?"

"That's me."

"Oh great. Who do I get sent in a never ending vortex with? The master of pornography."

"Do you enjoy my movies?"

"The...more comedic ones. But this was my younger phase."

"Yeah. Most people grow out of their porn."

"Most people have a lover."

"Right right. Well it looks like it's the end of the vortex for you." he said pointing to the hole getting bigger and bigger. I went through it and guess what the fuck I did next? I went free falling.

"You have got to be kidding me!" I was above the water. I held my arms out in a diving position and entered the ocean without getting hurt. When I was underwater I saw a bunch of marine animals living in an ecosystem like ours. There was even a glass dome! When I went to touch it a little guy on the other side with a tube in his head shook his finger at me. He then pointed to the sign saying 'No tapping on the glass.' I figured that it would be best for me to leave considering I only have a few more seconds of air. "*GASP!* Oh... oh I'm alive... I don't know if that's good or bad."

When I climbed the mountain... I didn't find large towns. I didn't see ponies and griffons living in peace. No... I saw 6 gigantic beings.

Twilight Sparkle's POV

I was inside the throne room watching Celestia peacefully bargaining with more humans. Each one of them comes here with nothing and they do their best to survive. It's an honorable trait that I don't understand. One time I asked a poor man why he was stealing money. He looked at me and he said "I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed, and I can't abandon my family." I understand stealing for yourself but when a man steals for others in a good way... is it a good thing?

"Princess..." I said getting her attention when she finished her last meeting. "Why do you always help the humans? You never say no."

"I owe my life to a human Twilight Sparkle."

"What?"

"You see... a very long time ago when Luna and I were still fillies..."

Dustin's POV (Celestia will be speaking in parenthesis.) [Twilight will be speaking in brackets.]

(There were 6 titans long ago. 6 titans of Harmony.)

[Like the elements?]

(That's right. They lived in peace, they created the world, and they each had a responsibility. One day however... The Titan of Honesty betrayed the others.)

I was watching a blood bath. The apple shaped titan was eating all the others. He was eating them! I quickly ducked as the arm of the balloon shaped one went flying at me.

[What did they look like?]

(Honestly they looked like your cutie marks. Yours and the other Elements. While the Titan of Honesty was devouring his friends, the Titan of Magic saw that she had no chance of escape. Honesty had grown too powerful. Her resposibility was controlling the sun and the moon. So she used all of her magic and created two sisters beings capable of controlling the moon and sun.)

[I thought you had a mom and dad.]

(We said that so people wouldn't think of us as monsters.)

[But your not monsters. Your the best ponies ever!]

(Thank you Twilight. I want you to keep this to yourself. Anyways as we were fillies, the Titan of Honesty wanted to kill us to take our power. But from the smoke and fire that he left walked a man. A human man. He showed no fear what so ever and he took me and Luna away from the monster.)

I looked over to where the purple star titan thing used some magic and she turned herself into fillies. No wait... she created two fillies. That's noble. I saw the apple one was still hungry. I quickly moved past the fire and smoke from his destruction and looked at him.

"You! Hey you!"

"What are you?"

"I am not going to allow you to do harm upon these children!" I yelled picking up the two fillies. They looked like Celestia and Luna! I see... 6 titans... 6 elements... the elements live on in these two which eventually go to Twilight and her friends. That actually makes a lot more sense.

"You and what army?"

"I am my own army!" I started running as he breathed fire at me. He also had tentacles that he constantly tried to impale me with. But I'm too quick. And no I wasn't using my nub to hold Luna. I used my arms. When I was running I found a basket. I tied it around the front of my holster and placed them in it. "Alright. Are you kids okay?" Luna giggled and Celestia took a nap. "D'aw...SHIT!" I had to duck as a tentacle nearly took my head off. I grabbed my shotgun and shot him in his one eye 6 times emptying my gun.

"AAAAHHHHH HOW DARE YOU FIGHT BACK TO ME!"

"You should be ashamed! Killing your brothers and sisters like that."

"I'm the most powerful! Every life needs a sacrifice!"

"But you sacrificed too much."

"I don't need to listen to you pest! Now hand over those two."

"I'd love to do that but I don't think I can. Too cute to let die." I said reloading my gun.

"You act good. Your soul gives off mixed feelings. I can't tell if your good or evil."

"Good, Evil, I'm the guy with a gun." I shot him in the eye when he wasn't expecting it and blew it out.

"GGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Let's go." I whispered to the girls.

(He fought valiantly. He even blinded the great Titan.)

[Wow... some human.]

(You know... now that I think about it... he reminded me of Dustin.)

[But that's not possible is it?]

(No Twilight. That's impossible. It could never happen.)

I kept on running until I got tired. I'm really getting old. This... is unbelievable. What I just did I mean. Oh I'm tired. Yeah after this I'm officially retired.

"Your funny!" said Luna.

"What?"

"Are you my mum?" asked Celestia.

"What?"

"Mommy!" they both hugged me.

"...What?"

"GGGGGRRRRAAAHHH!" scream the titan. He jumped up in the air and landed ahead of me. "You will not get away!" he yelled looking down the other side of the road. Right... he's blind. I quietly placed the girls back in the basket and ran away. I can't take him out without proper equipment and one fist isn't going to do the job. I have about... 30 shells left... no make it 19. I fired more than I thought.

"Okay. Step 1: Control my trigger finger. Step 2: Get these two to safety. Step 3: Get home. Step 4: Go to the bar, have a pint, and relax. Okay sounds like a plan!" They both looked at me like I was nuts. Well I am.

I climbed up the mountain and saw the titan's parts all come together and make a large cage. Aha! For the apple guy! I can do this... oh yes I can. I placed the basket down and pulled the girls down and sat them down on a broken tree.

"Alright. This is going to sound nuts but I have to imprison that guy over there."

"But you'll get killed!" said Luna.

"Wow... only a few hours old and already smarter than me... Whatever... Someone has to."

"Are you sure about this?" asked Celestia.

"Yeah... No. But it might be fun. Who knows." I quickly ran away from them and moved the large cage into a crater I found. Little did I know but this crater will be the place where Canterlot is built on top of. "Hey big and ugly!" I yelled shooting the titan in the ass.

"You are dead!" He sprinted towards me but tripped and landed in the cage.

"Faannn- tastic!" I said to myself pretending to hold a camera. I closed the cage, put a lock on it, and talked to him. "So... how's it going?"

"I will kill you!" I walked over to the sisters.

"Hey kids.. wanna play a game?"

"Yeah sure!"

"It's called... whoever freezes the cage in a magic spell and locks it away in the side of the mountain wins!"

"YAY!" they both used their magic (Might I add that as kids their magic was a lot more raw power.) When they moved the cage to the mountain, a magical mountain, they set off a chain reaction. I was blinded for a few seconds but then there was a town striving with life. The castle was there and the princesses were ruling the land again. I guess the titans want to help the Titan of Magic's last offering to the world. Well enough of that! I want home! Step 3 remember?

(Remember when I said each Titan had a responsibility? The Titan of Kindness created life. The Titan of Loyalty created weather. The Titan of Generosity created minds allowing each pony to think. The Titan of Laughter created emotion. The Titan of Honesty created food. Then the Titan of Magic created...well magic! That's why Luna and I are so magical!)

[This was before the fight right?]

(Yes. So when we locked Honesty away then everything the Titans gave us came together creating the world we know and love today.)

[That's an incredible story! What happened to the warrior?]

(He walked away Twilight. He went wherever he was needed.)

Why am I hearing voices in my head? Honestly this is the time when something random happens and I get home. Oh hey look! The necronomicon!

"What are you doing out in the middle of nowhere?"

"Shut it mortal." I put the book in my mouth and tried to eat it. "OW OW OW what are you doing?"

"I read in a book that you can eat a book. Than I ate that book."

"Don't eat me! I'll take you home! I promise! I promise!" I spit the book out.

"Alright... you had better not fuck me over."

"There." he opened a small portal. "Wait take me with you!"

"Why?"

"I don't want any of the ponies to find me."

"Fine." I grabbed him and walked into the portal. I was in a jungle or something. Like what the fuck? "Where am I damn book?"

"HAHAHAHA! It's your precious Vietnam during the Cold War." Just then I was surrounded by Vietcong troops. "That's right boys kill him-AAAAHHHH!" they started pumping him full of bullets. Guess they don't like talking evil books. That's cool. No one else does. When he was screaming another portal opened up. I quickly jumped in it as they started to shoot at me.

"Huzzah! The fun has been doubled!" I started twisting around the portal again. "Oh and now I'm dizzy. I wonder where I'm going to land next. *sigh* Probably another apocalypse." I went through and landed on a table. It wasn't a hard table but I still had the wind knocked out of me. There was no body around me but I still saw ponies in the distance. Yes! Home!

Now... I don't know what the date is nor do I know if this is exactly my Equestria. So I need to sneak and play it cool. I found the back room door to what appears to be a museum? Yeah that's what it is. A museum. So as I was going through I came across a skeleton with my metal arm. Yeah my Equestria. So I quietly took the glass off and took the metal hand. I attached it to the metal disc I built around the nub for the chainsaw and look at that. It fits like a glove. Get it? Because it's a hand? Oh that's funny.

"What's this?" In my hand I held a ball with something inside it. That's right. My Cartographer's map with the pendent and key inside. I opened it to see the key was gone. "That figures." But the pendent was fine. I kept it in my breast pocket. I also wrapped the map around my head.

You got the Cartographer's Headband! This epic piece of awesome is so awesome! The best part is no mullet is required. If you play your cards right you might even have infinite ammo... no that's only in the game. but it's still pretty awesome. +5 to your awesomeness which maxes out this skill! +10 to your sneaking! Time to be a snake!

I put the glass back and continued to crawl. It was a lot easier with two hands now. Sure someday someone's going to be all 'Your missing a hand!' but I'm kinda use to it. I just need to pray I don't run in to somepony. Especially two ponies. Well one's a merchandise and the other defies physics. So If I can avoid the girl scouts and Pinkie Pie than this day will be perfect. I opened the door and saw large groups of ponies. All in peace. If I go out than I'll cause a pandemic. So I went prone and crawled to the bushes and then underneath a carriage which I do believe belongs to Trixie.

"You will remember the Great and Powerful Trixie!" she shouted throwing a rock at some pony and then climbing up to the driver seat. So I flipped on my back and grabbed the wood underneath as she carried me away with her. This is good. Thank you karma system for giving me a break. I can leave town peacefully, start a new life, go on a vacation because I need one. I really think I do.

"Halt!" said the guards surrounding the carriage. Oh why do I even bother... "Ma'am you appear to be a public menace. We are taking you in custody."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie has done no such thing! I was being verbally molested by that colt over there!"

"We still have questions. If you'll come with us please?"

"*sigh* Alright. I'll go peacefully." she parked the carriage on the side of the road and walked with the guards. I quickly got back on my stomach and went back to crawling. I leaped and successfully made it to the bushes. Then somepony squealed.

"Elizabeth! We got a peeper!" she cried out. She sounded like a teen or a young adult. And correct me if I'm wrong but... did I hear a human name?

"How dare you!" yelled another voice throwing a brick. The brick nailed me right above my right eye causing blood to drip down and temporarily blind me.

"Ow...damn..." it was hard for me to keep my voice down as I was about to curse her out. I took a quick peak and saw a white unicorn with deep red hair standing by a gray unicorn with black hair.

"Get out of here freak!" She closed the window and I could only see with my left eye. I see better with my left eye but I aim guns with my right. I continued to crawl until I made it to the city limit. There was a traffic of ponies and carriages and I ran out of bushes to hide in. I could turn around and try another way but that might take a while. I could wait here but... I don't know how long it's going to take. I finally got the wound to stop bleeding but my face was stained from the dried blood so I can't exactly go up to some pony and look at them without scaring them.

"Dammit..." I muttered under my breath. I'm lost, hurt, hungry, tired, and alone. The 5 things I hate more than anything. But... if there is one thing... one thing that makes me different from everyone else is my patience. I can wait for as long as it takes and feel fine unlike others who are all cranky and bitch about it. A few hours went by and the place was clear. I could make a run for the bush on the other side of the street or go up and climb. I'm easier to spot if I climb so I had better go with option 1.

"AAAAHHH!" screamed a filly when I jumped into the bush. "Daddy! I saw a monster!" she said. I looked through the bush to see a white alicorn filly with pink hair. Then David walked up in his alicorn form while sporting a large crown.

"Where?" he asked.

"Right there in that bush!" I held my breath, closed my eyes, and didn't move a muscle.

"It's not moving."

"I swear I saw something..."

"Hehehe... I'm sure it's part of your imagination. Come on over and play in the beach with your sister."

"But I'll get sand in my mane. Can't I just stay on the pier?"

"Well if that's what you want Sunlight."

"It is."

"Okay. Do you want something to eat? I can go get you something over at the stand over there." Huh. David's a really good father. A lot better than mine...

Flashback...

"What are you doing?" asked the drunk man as he stormed through my room when I was 16 years of age.

"I'm building an amplifier."

"Well ain't you just a genius. Well guess what genius? You fucked up my car! You took it on a test run and crashed it."

"I didn't go near your car dude."

"Then who did? Your brother? He's done nothing wrong and all you do is cause trouble!" I looked out the window with the corner of my eye and saw my brother with a date. They both looked pretty messed up from the car crash. He made a please sign with his hands.

"*sigh* It was me-" I didn't get to finish as he smashed his bottle on my head and kicked me off the bed and to the ground. "*cough cough* What the...fuck..."

"You can keep your tough guy act up but as long as I rule this house you don't get to make the rules! No dinner for you!" He yelled while slamming my door.

"*cough cough* Ugh... man... Kinda wish I was still living with Grandpa Jack and Grandma June... *cough cough*" I tried to work on the speaker amplifier I was building but I couldn't hold my screwdriver because my hand was too shaky.

End of flashback...

I watched as David sat on the pier with both of his daughters. He called the pink haired one Sunlight so I assume the dark haired one was Moonlight. It made my heart sad thinking how I didn't really have a dad and I lost both of my chances to be one. This hurts worse than death's grip. Knowing that your kid is growing up... without ever having to think about you. I think about Free Melody all the time. How she has two mom's now.

I stopped daydreaming and continued to crawl away from town. I made it pretty far down. I'd say I was about 2 miles away before something bad happened. Do you know who decided to visit me? Let's just say her name involves ruining my day.

"Kay." I said as she appeared out of a portal.

"Dustin! Oh it's great to see you!" She grabbed my metal hand and squeezed it like an aluminum can. "Your getting slow."

"Get away from me!" I kicked her in the stomach pushing her back.

"I will protect all the worlds."

"So? How does this involve me?"

"Dustin. You are the biggest threat. I mean sure I saw what you did in the past. You saved the two princesses. That still doesn't cover up your sins!" she said while drawing a silenced pistol and shooting me 3 times in the chest.

"Gah... *pants* Ugh... Kay... listen to...me..."

"I'm done listening! I'm going to take matters in my own hands." She picked me up and flipped me over on my back and shot me in the left shoulder and in my right kidney. The kidney shot went straight through my body like tissue paper.

"I never... murdered anybody..."

"You said that you were a mercenary!"

"I worked with them... I got the training program... but I was the repair technician. I didn't kill! I worked on technology and scouting the area!"

"You never murdered?"

"I never sinned. I didn't take money that didn't belong to me. I didn't eat other people's food. I didn't say anything involving blasphemy..."

"Dustin... oh my god... what have I done?" She cried kneeling down and getting close to me.

"You said your were protecting this world. Maybe you should protect yourself!" I yelled grabbing her knife and slamming it in her back. "God...didn't make... you invincible did he?"

"I...don't understand..."

"This is revenge Kay. This is revenge for ruining my life!" I twisted the knife around her spine and found the bone. I quickly grabbed it and snapped it in half killing her almost instantly.

"Congratulations." were her last words. Then another portal opened up and God accompanied by Death walked out.

"You did it Dustin. You passed the final test. You fought you guilty mind and won."

"You planned this from the start?"

"Yes. Please forgive us but we had to know if you had a weakness. You did but you managed to overthrow it."

"I don't understand."

"You have your Painkiller powers back along with the title."

"No. I'm still Dustin. You can't just give me another name anymore."

"Alright. I understand. Still you died. You died 3 times. Your really dead. So dead that you can regrow limbs." he snapped his finger and the metal hand and circlet popped off and my hand reappeared. "See? Isn't that cool?"

"But I killed Kay."

"Yeah... but her duty was to help strengthen you." said Death. "That's the only reason I kept her alive."

"You bastard!" I tried to punch him but he dodged.

"You'll thank us in the end." he said while snapping his finger. Then I turned around to see Kay was gone but my armor still there. "Will you take your spot again?"

"I...I'm going to retire." I handed it to him. "Find someone else to be your mindless tool."

"After all we did for you?"

"After what you did to me I think I've seen enough. Goodbye." I told them. They both nodded and walked back inside the portal. I'm not going to do this anymore. It's not worth it. The pain... the suffering... I can't take it. I'd rather die as an old man than get in another inter galactic fight. I'll still fight. Oh I will but not for balance or anything.

"Shit..." I said to myself. "I'm stuck in Equestria. Not even in pony form." Then the portal reappeared and God stuck his arm out, snapped his fingers, and turned me into a pony. I looked like Static again but with white fur. I still had the multi-shaded gray hair and blue eyes but with a shield for a cutie mark with an hourglass on it. But I still had my mind. I wasn't just a thought bubble now. Well... I had better go back to town after successfully sneaking out of it and tell David that hopefully I'm here to stay. I feel kinda bad killing Kay but... meh... she totally had it coming.

I walked back up the hill. It was a nice walk. And I got my hand... hoof... I...I don't know. Whatever. I still have a cut above my eye and some holes in my chest from the magic bullets but that's fine. It's fine. But I feel more uncomfortable than that time when Shiek came out at me from Hyrule and tried to hit on me by opening her already torn shirt. I'm not sure if i liked it but it sounds nice. At least I'm a unicorn. A few good minutes of walking I still saw David at the pier. The kids were walking away with their moms. Now we can have a bro-talk.

"David."

"Yes?"

"It's me dude."

"Uh..."

"Dustin?"

"Dustin!"

"Give me a hug bro!" he jumped up and accepted it. "I'm back man!"

"Oh my god... dude you look great as a pony... he you got cut."

"No some chick threw a brick at me. I have a story to tell you..."

30 minutes later...

"Damn dude... that really sucks."

"No. I just... I'm just tired David. Some may say I'm a madman but that's because I'm just having all of these issues."

"So you need to just retire and find something new to do."

"Exactly! I knew you'd understand!"

"It's getting late. Do you have a place to stay?"

"Of course I don't."

"Trust me. I know this cute little redhead which might change your life." We walked to the beach house where he said this 'Elizabeth' lived. That name seems oddly familiar like I heard it not too long ago. He rang the doorbell and she answered.

"Yes?" she said opening the door.

"YOU!" I yelled pointing my hoof at her. "Your the one who chucked a brick at me!"

"So your the peeping tom. Guess David here brought you here to apologize."

"Liz. Let me explain everything..." said David.

Another 30 minutes...

"Wow. I'm sorry about your loss Dustin." she said while tending to my cut. I kept my 3 bullet wounds covered because I didn't want her touching them. I just don't trust her yet.

"It's okay. Besides I hated her anyways."

"You hated her but you did love her?"

"Before she went psycho bitch? Yes."

"Well what did we learn?" she said finishing the stitches.

"Not to crawl in bushes that makes me look like a peeping tom?"

"That's right. Now.. since I hurt you it's only proper that I ask do you have a place to stay?"

"I..." I looked at David who was behind her implying dirty things with his vulgar thrust. "I do not."

"Then you'll stay with me. Okay?"

"Okay." He did a victory arm pump but looked at the clock and apparently was surprised.

"Guys I got to get home." he said teleporting away leaving me with Liz.

"So... Elizabeth. How's it going?"

"It's going good. I have so many questions to ask you!" she had that sparkle in her eye. Speaking of sparkle I know that Twilight totally still has a crush on me. But it's been 3 years. I might just be pushing my luck. I should go and ask someone whose close to her like Celestia! But maybe Celestia doesn't like me anymore. Hmm. So complicated. Why do I keep over-thinking things? This girl offered me a bed! I'll bunk here tonight and tomorrow go see Twilight. Technically in a way I'm still married to her.

"Alright Liz. I'll answer any of your questions."

"Alright! Great! Question 1!"

3 hours later...

How can someone stay up so late and take notes? That's not possible for a human to do! Just who is she?

"Okay. I have another question."

"What is this? 26?"

"45."

"Sorry. I kinda spaced out."

"Hmm...actually I don't have any more questions." she's trying to keep some hidden from me.

"Whatever."

"Ready for bed?"

"Sure." I saw her friends earlier. Stephan and Charity accepted me but Sally still treated me like I was a pervert. So Elizabeth laid out a mattress on the floor for me with one blanket and a pillow.

"Is this good enough?"

"Oh it's great!" I said getting down on it and pulling up the blanket. "I can't thank you enough Liz!"

"Oh it's my treat considering that I chucked a brick at you earlier."

"Right..." she got on her bed and cut the lamp off.

"Goodnight!"

"Nighty night." Her treat was a mattress on the bed? This is how she thanks me? Putting me on the floor while she stays up in the comfy bed? Someone has man issues. Or maybe she's sensitive in bed? Oh well... if I sleep than I'll be able to think better. All I can do now is pray that... my life wont go to more shit.

Has anyone heard of Lollipop Chainsaw? New game made by Suda 51. Apparently... get this... apparently Tara Strong voices the main chick. The one with the cheerleader clothes and the chainsaw. So yeah. Not only is she Twilight Sparkle but now she's a zombie killer. Nice one Tara! This is a throw out to how awesome you are! (Now if only she could avoid the Rule 34 community... That's my next goal.)