What Not to Say to a Friend in Need

By Twilight Sparkle

"Hmm..." Twilight pondered thoughtfully. It wasn't as if the essay prompt Celestia had given her was very complicated. "What not to say to a friend in need?" she asked aloud to herself. "That's easy. I should have this essay done hours before Dash's birthday party."

It was only noon, after all. Twilight had until 5 o'clock at the latest if she wanted to get to the party without being late, and she had written essays that could be considered novelettes in half that time. This is going to be easy, she thought pridefully to herself and readied her ink and quill.

"What should a pony never say to a friend in need?" she read aloud, writing the words elegantly on paper. Off to a good start,she thought. What better way to start an essay than with a rhetorical question? You can't beat the classics. Twilight smiled to herself and dipped the quill in the ink.

Okay, now, time to outline the meat of the essay. What are the most important things you should never say to a friend?

The quill hovered silently over the paper, a small drip building up on the tip until it cascaded downwards onto the dry parchment. Come on, what's one thing you should never say to a friend?. Nothing came to mind. Nothing at all. It was as if her mind went completely blank.

Come ON, what's ONE thing? Twilight's inner monologue raised its voice. Drawing nothing but more blanks at such a seemingly simple question, Twilight placed the quill back in its holder with a frustrated snort.

"Okay...you just need to get your creative juices flowing," said Twilight as she began to pace around her room at a nimble pace for several moments until she plopped herself back into the chair in front of the mostly blank piece of parchment. Several moments passed as she stared intently into the yellowish-white paper, an empty canvas just begging to be filled with a beautiful stream of words.

"Gahh!" she grunted, frustratingly getting out of the chair once more. The answer to her writer's block was simple. She just needed to get into the right mindset and the words would start flowing straight from her mind and onto the parchment. Sometimes all it took was a little nervous pacing, but this time her mind was being a bit more stubborn. Drastic measures would need to be taken.

"Alright essay," Twilight said with a sinister tone, "don't think you've won that easily. I'll be back..."

The parchment lay menacingly motionless as Twilight descended downwards from her bedroom in the library. Twilight trotted into the kitchen and made a simple sandwich. "Brain food, that's what I need," she said aloud, followed by a short sequence of hurried munches. She didn't have time for tasting food.

"Alright, time to get back--"

"HEY TWILIGHT," exclaimed Pinkie Pie from outside the library.

Okay, the essay can wait a couple minutes, she thought to herself as she opened the door to an excited pink pony.

"Twilight!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed once more. "You have to come see this! There's a traveling bookpony in town and as soon as I saw him I knew I had to tell you."

"Traveling...bookpony?"

"Is that weird? I wouldn't know, I don''t read books. Unless they're cooking books. But even then, those are mostly pictures and ingredients anyways. I have a lot of cookbooks. Do you have any cookbooks? What about..."

Somewhere along the way, Twilight lost interest in whatever it was that Pinkie Pie was yammering on about, and her voice receded into the background as Twilight's thoughts drifted towards completing her essay. What not to say to a friend in need? Still, nothing at all came to her mind. How long had it been since she started? She decided not to check the clock just yet.

"...and what about books on underwater mammals? Do you have any of those kinds of books, Twilight?"

"Um, yeah, here you go," said Twilight absent-mindlessly as she retrieved a book from the shelves titled The Astounding Life Found In the Sea.

"Thanks Twilight!" said Pinkie Pie as she took the book and pranced gleefully out of the door. A few moments passed. What just happened? she thought to herself. Pinkie Pie had came into her home, talked about a traveling bookpony, and Twilight gave her a book about underwater mammals. She shook her head, dismissed the weird series of events that had just happened as typical for Pinkie Pie, and returned to her study to resume the writing of her essay. What not to say to a friend in need.

An urge to check the time overcame her. "Two o'clock!" she exclaimed aloud. Had it really been that long? How long did I space out when I was talking to Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie had been known to talk for hours if uninterrupted, and apparently Twilight's absent mind had fallen victim to her constant stream of commentary.

"Okay," she reassured herself. "It's only two o'clock. That still leaves three hours until Dash's birthday party. I just need to get going on this..."

Lifting the quill from the ink, preparing to begin writing the perfect essay, Twilight froze as the gears turned in her head for a few moments.

"GAH!" she exclaimed, this time scaring off a few birds that had unfortunately decided to take roost outside her bedroom window. "Why won't you think!"

Panic sunk in. The kind of panic that happened to her when she was out of ideas. The kind of panic when she realized she was getting nowhere. The kind of panic that only clouded her mind even further.

"Gotta think, gotta think," she said to herself as she trotted hastily back and forth. "Think, think, think..."

Twilight was thinking harder than she had ever thought before. About thinking. She was thinking about thinking.

"Outside!" she exclaimed. "I just need some fresh air to loosen up a bit!"

Bolting hastily towards the stairs and out the door, she emerged from her quaint library tree and into the cool summer breeze of Ponyville, surrounded by the sounds of birds chirping and a gentle murmur of everypony going about their daily routines. She went for a brisk walk with the intention of coming straight back and finishing up her essay. She thought to herself that, perhaps, the words would come to her as she strolled through the town, but all she could think about were the words "What not to say to a friend in need". What don't you ever say to a friend in need, she asked herself.

A eureka moment found its way into her thoughts. What DO you say to a friend in need? Now Twilight had it all figured out. She would list all of the things a pony should say to a friend in need, and report the opposites. Simple. Logic had once again prevailed in the face of disparity. Hastily trotting home, Twilight found her way back to her desk and the empty piece of parchment. She pulled out another and began to create her list.

- Saying you're sorry
- Saying that you'll always be there for them
- Giving them advice on how to solve their problems
- Offering them something nice

This is going to be easy, she thought to herself as she scribbled down as many things as she could think of to say to a friend in need. This was her bread and butter. She had solved countless friendship problems, and now all of that knowledge and experience was being put to good use.

"Okay," she said, "now, to write about the opposites..."

Picking up the quill, she began to write her essay on what not to say to a friend in need. The words flowed beautifully from her quill and onto the parchment, and never once did she have to stop and think of what to say next. In what seemed like a blur, Twilight had finished her essay. Exhausted from the constant writing, she looked at the time and the clock read four thirty.

"Whew," she said as she wiped her face with a hoof. "Half an hour to spare..."

A noise grumbled from elsewhere in the room. "...half an hour to what?" asked Spike, groggily.

Taken aback by Spike's sudden appearance, Twilight responded. "Spike? How long have you been there?"

"Since last night," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Man did I sleep like a baby."

"Well, you are a baby," Twilight replied.

"You and your technicalities," Spike replied sarcastically with a wave of his claw. "What'cha writing?"

"Oh, just an essay Princess Celestia assigned to me," she replied pridefully.

"Neat, can I read it?" Spike asked as he leaned up on his toes to see the parchment.

A low, gurgling sound emanated from within his stomach. An all too familiar sound. The sound that preceded a large burp and a fireball from his mouth. The sound of an incoming letter from Princess Celestia. In the fraction of a second before the inevitable demise that unfolded before Twilight's eyes, all she could do was let out the beginning of an ear-piercing shriek.

"BURRRPPP"

The fireball from Spike's mouth spread across Twilight's desk, instantly incinerating both the list and her essay as well as slightly charring the wood beneath. A magical piece of parchment appeared atop the ashen remains of Twilight's hard work.

"Spike..."

"Now, Twilight...remember what friends say in times like these..."

"Not today, Spike. Not. Today."

My Faithful Student,

I have the utmost apologies to make in regards to your most recent essay assignment. It seems as though I had given you the incorrect prompt for your current academic level. The prompt I mistakenly gave you was actually for my students in the first level in the study of friendship. There must have been some sort of mix-up in the mail. Please accept my most sincere apologies, although I'm sure you probably had an easy time with this regardless.

- Princess Celestia

Meanwhile...

Briefly describe the nature of friendship as it applies to equine creatures and the differences that can be ascertained between other mystical creatures. Please include at least eight different sources, of which two must be at least 300 years old. Word count must be 20,000 or more. Due tomorrow evening."

- Princess Celestia