Issue 1: The Mysterious Masked Marvels!

Not far away from the Ponyville hydroelectric dam, there was a tower. Nopony was sure who built it and why; some were saying that the workers building the dam built it in their free time after ingesting way more booze than they should. Others were claiming that it’d actually served some purpose, but was abandoned since then and never used again. For some time, the manufacturers of Wood Chips cereal had their headquarters there, before they moved to their shiny new offices in Manehattan.

Now, in the middle of the night, mysterious noises were filling the tower. Scratching and hoofsteps could be heard as three silhouettes climbed up the stairs...

“Hey! I found a box of cereal! Eww... It expired ten years ago.”

“Button, for Luna’s sake...” the other voice said with a slight lisp. An off-white hoof smacked the forehead of a hooded pony as she looked at the pony called Button.

“What? Sorry, Twist, but I was hungry...” Button muttered.

“We agreed not to use our names!” Twist exclaimed.

“You started it...”

“Nevermind,” the third pony said, seeing that Twist was about to kick Button down the flight of stairs. “We need to start the meeting soon.”

The trio rushed upstairs. On the top of the tower, there was a large room. It seemed that it had been redecorated recently – there was a desk standing by the window, allowing the pony sitting at it to watch the whole town from the distance. There was also a map of Equestria hanging on the wall, with red flags put in various places. Metal lockers were standing by the opposite wall, filled with various weapons and gadgets. Something that looked like a disemboweled mech was lying next to them, surrounded by screwdrivers and wrenches.

Twist took off her cloak, revealing that she was, in fact, an ordinary redhead with glasses, and sat at the desk. Button also got rid of his disguise. His appearance was screaming “nerd!” even more than Twist’s.

The third pony looked almost exactly like Twist, which creeped Button out. Only after a moment he noticed that her mane was in fact darker and that she wasn’t wearing glasses. He thought that he’d seen her before and remembered that she was helping the nurses in Ponyville Hospital.

“Meet my twin sister, Nursery Rhyme,” Twist said.

“Cool,” Button muttered. “Which of you is the evil twin?”

“That’ll be our sister, Bon Bon,” Nursery Rhyme said. Unlike her sister, she had no lisp, but it didn’t make her voice any more pleasant. “She keeps making strange experiments in our basement. It’s kinda annoying when I want to work on my stuff in the middle of the night and she comes to me to borrow sulphuric acid.”

“Also, Button, we’re not evil,” Twist added. “We came here to form a group of masked vigilantes, remember?”

“Sure,” Button said, taking a look at the mech in the corner. Despite his best attempts, he still couldn’t make it work.

“Okay,” Twist muttered, straightening in her seat and looking at Button and Nursery. “As you are aware, there have been a few cases of masked ponies appearing around Ponyville. We need...”

“Excuse me,” Nursery Rhyme said. “If you mean that Mare-Do-Well thing, it was Twilight and her friends being idiots. And the only report about a lunatic flying in a giant spoon comes from Berry Punch who had recently been transported to the hospital with her BAC exceeding–”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion, sister,” said Twist dryly. “Who here knows the most about superheroes?”

“We do,” Button replied. “We’ve read all the Power Ponies issues. Including the ones that were around before we were born. And the ones written during the Griffonian War when Power Ponies were fighting the evil griffons and their zebra servants...”

“Those were hard to get, for some reason...” Twist nodded. “Anyway, since we’re the experts, nothing superheroic should be happening in this town without our knowledge.”

“Excuse me,” Nursery Rhyme said. “But I don’t quite get the logic behind it. Maybe because I don’t speak nerdy...”

“You don’t? You’re the youngest nurse I know!” Button exclaimed.

“Okay, but my nerdiness is actually useful,” Nursery replied with a small sigh.

Twist cleared her throat and looked at her sister. “I mean that, to fight crime, superheroes need a few things. Place where they can meet...” She pointed at the room. “Technical support, medical help...”

“So, I’m here to watch you get hurt and prevent you from getting hurt too much?” Nursery asked.

“Not us,” Twist said. “Button and I are technical support. We’ll get some superheroes here later. You, my dear, will have a unique chance to research their skills and maybe some freaky genetic mutations that allow them to be who they are...”

Nursery’s eyes lit up. “You had me at ‘research’ and ‘freaky genetic mutations’,” she said, barely containing excitement. Nursery was a young scientist – which meant that she still didn’t fear to admit that gratuitous dissecting could be fun. She could even spell ‘gratuitous’ correctly.

Twist clapped her hooves and rubbed them together. “Just what I thought...” she muttered. “Button! How are the costumes?”

“I built a powered suit of armour for myself,” Button replied. “But it doesn’t really work. An armoured carriage, however, should be ready soon, if I get those death rays you talked about...”

“You’ll get them once I get the rubber bands.” Twist turned back to Nursery. “What do you think about our base?”

“I have a feeling that we sit here illegally,” Nursery replied.

“Don’t worry,” Twist said. “Soon we’ll have sentry guns here. Nopony will question our right to this place.”

“Now I’m worried,” Nursery deadpanned. “So, you have a base... I guess there’s also some sick bay here?”

“Yes,” Twist replied. “Complete with a lab. We’re funded by the government with this one.”

“How?” Nursery raised her eyebrows. “I mean, I could always use a new lab for my experiments...”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Twist said. “It’s a perfect system. They don’t know what they’re funding and even if they do, they’ll never get to us.”

“Okay,” Nursery muttered. “Can I see the lab?”

“Later.” Twist turned to Button. “The thing is, we have perfect conditions to have our own group of superheroes. But now, we have to find some superheroes who’d want to work with us...”

Button scratched his head. “Hmm... How about an ad in some newspapers? Also, if we’re supported by the government, shouldn’t they help us?”

Twist and Nursery gave Button a weird look. He couldn’t help but wonder how their expressions looked nearly identical, although Twist’s seemed a bit more condescending. Button couldn’t quite put his hoof on it, but what he saw in Nursery’s face worried him even more than Twist thinking he was an idiot.

“Is he serious?” Nursery asked. “You know I only started to research sarcasm and I get many false positive results…”

“You know, it’s actually something between ‘it’s a bad idea’ and ‘it’s the only idea’,” Twist said. “But how can we do that without blowing our cover?”

“Pretend that you need ponies for a freakshow.” Nursery turned to Button. “With his look, everypony will believe that.”

“But still, what’s with us and the government?” Button asked, scratching his head.

“The less you know, the better,” Twist replied. “This is, in fact, just a… branch, I’d say.”

“Branch of what?” Button asked.

Twist smacked Button in the back of his head. “Don’t think about it. Write that ad.”

The sun rose above Ponyville. Tootsie Flute ran out of her little house in the city centre and jumped on the grass. She saw a pony delivering newspapers and rushed to him.

Every day since she’d learned to read, she was buying newspapers. Mostly, she was reading things such as articles about flowers, weather team reports, and obituaries. She was also a fan of crosswords and sudoku, even though she had trouble with the former due to being hopelessly dyslectic.

Today, however, the first thing that attracted her attention was a large advertisement right in the middle of the newspaper.

Do you have a rare skill or talent you think you could utilise to make other ponies’ lives better? Do doctors wonder about strange conditions you have? Have you ever considered getting money for having fun? Seek no longer! We offer professional advice as well as help in starting up! We’re waiting for you in our office in Horseshoe Ring 85, everyday from 8 AM to 3 PM!

PS. We’re totally not a group of superheroes.

Tootsie raised her head from the newspaper. “Bloody hell...” she whispered.

Issue 2: Tagalong The Immortal Filly!

Button was sitting at his desk in the small office at Horseshoe Ring. They still had to pay rent for it – they didn’t want to lead potential candidates to their secret headquarters. He looked into his notes and at the blue filly who was standing in front of him with a lead pipe in her teeth.

“Aren’t you that filly Twist’s sister adopted?” Button asked. “Tootsie Flute or something?”

“Yeah, dat’s me,” Tootsie Flute replied. “Ya’re trying to get ponies to dat group of superheroes, right?”

“How do you–”

“Ya said ya ain’t doing dat,” Tootsie replied, smirking. “Dat was clever, but not for a pony wiff my instinct.”

“So, your skill is your instinct, right?” Button asked, taking notes.

“Yep. Ma and Pa were cockneighs,” Tootsie said, sighing. “Dey were walking around, beating ponies and I continue dat tradition.”

Button wrote something in his notes quickly. “So, your parents...”

Tootsie smacked him in the face. “My parents are dead!” she exclaimed. “Dey met a bunch of Manechester United fans...”

“I understand...” Button muttered, grabbing the edge of the desk and getting up from the floor. “Nice right hook, by the way...”

“Yeah.” Tootsie smiled proudly. “Ma’s lesson. Anyway, I ‘ad no bees and da ponies in da orphanage were a bunch of berks and khybers, so when Lyra and Bon Bon decided to adopt me, I was happy like a lark. Dey’re bale of hay, but who cares.”

“Y-yes...” Button muttered. “If you say so...”

“Dey sometimes speak weird and I can’t understand ‘em.” Tootsie shrugged.

“I wonder why.” Button sighed. “So, you beat ponies and have some kind of a sixth sense, right?”

“Right. And I love flowers,” Tootsie said. “Dey grow best on bodies.”

“Do you have any costume?” Button asked, deciding not to ask a question that appeared in the back of his head. Something was telling him that it wouldn’t be safe.

“Well, let me get my weasel and stoat...” Tootsie left the office. When she came back, she was wearing a domino mask and a tight suit in the colours of the flag of Great Bridletain.

“Umm... Right.” Button muttered. He had quite a different idea of stealth, but he decided to keep that to himself. “What’s your pseudonym?”

“Captain Cockneigh,” Tootsie replied, levitating a monkey wrench. “And this is my trusty assistant, Father Ted. Insult ‘im and ya’re dead.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Button muttered, giving Tootsie a piece of paper. “This is where we usually meet. Remember the address and destroy this message.”

“Da ad said sumfin’ about Fluffy Bunny...” Tootsie muttered.

“What?” Button scratched his mane.

“Y’know... Pie and mash...”

“Mash? Sounds familiar...” Button said.

“Bits.” Tootsie said with a sigh. “Ya said about bits...”

“You’ll have to talk to my boss,” Button replied. “Though I’m sure she’ll find something. See you later, Captain Cockneigh...”

When he was finally left alone in his office, he sighed and smacked his head against his desk. Twist and Nursery Rhyme were already a bit intimidating – well, for Button every filly was intimidating – but Tootsie was certainly stealing a cake. While beating the baker to death with Father Ted.

He had no chance to get his bearings – somepony was knocking on the door.

“Come in,” Button muttered.

“Hello, my name is Snails and I’ve heard that you’re looking for superheroes...”

“Wait, what?”

Button sighed and put the quill back on the desk. He’d been sitting there all morning and so far there was still only one name on his list. Many ponies came to his office to present their superpowers. Most of them were lame or nonexistent. Button wasn’t sure of many things about that whole team of masked vigilantes, but he was pretty sure that “knowledge of the names of all the metal bassists in Equestria and the Griffon Empire”, “throwing stones at ponies”, and “reading the future from piss” weren’t useful in fighting crime.

Button banged his head against the desk and looked at the list in front of him. The longer he stared at it, the more he was sure that Twist wouldn’t be happy about the fact that the only candidate he found was a strange pony wearing a costume made of a flag and talking in rhyme slang. Not to mention that Tootsie was technically Twist’s niece.

He was about to call it a day and go home. After all, every minute of renting the office was costing him a lot of bits and he wasn’t sure how much he could take from Twist’s account without her parents noticing. Besides, he had the projects of some new gadgets in his mind and he wanted to go to his workshop and try if they’d work.

Suddenly, somepony knocked on the door. Button raised his head. “Come in,” he muttered.

The door opened. The pony behind them was a short filly with pale yellow coat, orange mane and lots of freckles. She was wearing a filly scout’s uniform.

“I don’t want any cookies, thank you,” Button said. “Though if you have whisky...”

He didn’t really drink whisky. Nopony wanted to sell it to him.

“I’ve heard you’re looking for ponies with superpowers,” the filly scout said. “My name’s Ginger Snap and my secret identity is Tagalong.”

Button grabbed the quill and wrote it on the parchment. “So, what is your superpower?” he asked. Two was always better than one. Even if the team was to consist of a hooligan and a filly scout.

“I have an infinite number of lives,” Tagalong replied.

“In what game?” Button asked, sighing. If she had immortality cheats in any of his favourite games, he could report her to the mods. He was sick of cheaters.

“In life,” Tagalong replied. “I discovered it when I tried to sell cookies to some creep and he shot me.”

Button raised his eyebrows. “So, you’re, like, immortal?” he asked.

“No.”

“Invicible? Bulletproof?”

“No,” Tagalong replied. “I’m gonna show you.” She produced a shotgun from her saddlebags. Button cowered behind his desk – it had a built-in flamethrower, but before he was able to reach it, Tagalong put the barrel in her mouth and pulled the trigger.

Button’s jaw dropped. He had recently painted the walls in the office and it seemed that he’d have to do that again. Not to mention that there was now a big, red blot right in the middle of his notes. He just started to calculate the costs of a new carpet, when he realised that something icky had landed in his mane. He rushed to close the blinds, wondering whether to call Twist and Nursery or try to get rid of the body himself. Technically, he knew the theory, but...

Fwoosh!

“So, just like I told you, I have infinite amount of lives,” Tagalong said, standing in the middle of the room and looking at the splatter on the walls. “Nice,” she muttered. “Never seen such a big one...”

“It happened... more than once?” Button asked, staring at Tagalong with wide eyes. He was sure of two things: that he was not going to like that and that Twist and Nursery would love that.

“Sure,” Tagalong replied. “And I’m completely regenerated. Do you know that when I chip a tooth, it’s faster to jump out of the window than go to the dentist?”

Button nodded, still too busy thinking about the mess in the office and not caring about the excited, shotgun-wielding filly scout. He just found some white and green sphere under his desk and felt his stomach twitching when she realised that the sphere was staring back at him.

“So, am I in?” Tagalong asked. “Or should I do that again?” She raised her shotgun, making Button wonder where she got it. Definitely it was for a badge.

“No, of course not!” Button rushed to his notes and started to write quickly, leaving a bloody smudge on the parchment. “You’re in.”

Author's Notes:

Spoiler: Button's superpower is absolute immunity to weird stuff happening around him.

Issue 3: The Curious Case of the Potato Mare!

Button climbed up the stairs and turned on the lights. Tootsie Flute followed him, her monkey wrench and lead pipe making a lot of noise as she was walking. Her jaw dropped when she saw the headquarters of the newly-formed superhero group, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she followed Button inside, half-singing, half-humming some song about bubbles.

The room changed a bit since the first meeting. Now it had a large screen on one of the walls, flashing messages about all the team members. Under it, there was a radar and several smaller monitors. A few old, comfortable armchairs were standing around the large, round table.

“It seems that the rest isn’t here yet,” Button said. “Take a seat. Do you want some tea?”

“Sure, it’s five o’clock after all,” Tootsie replied, jumping on one of the armchairs. Button heard the metal plates hitting each other – Tootsie had told him that she’d reinforced her costume with pieces of an old stove. It restricted her movement a bit, but she seemed to be used to that, making Button wonder how often she wore it before she met them.

“The rest of the guys will be here soon,” Button said, preparing the tea. “If you really want to drink that, don’t ask Tagalong to show how her superpower works. I’d rather not clean this place… again.”

Tootsie shrugged. “I ain’t bovvered by nuffin’,” she muttered.

“So, you can be bothered by something...” Button replied, putting a cup of tea in front of Tootsie Flute. She levitated it in a way suggesting that she considered throwing it at him, but stopped herself eventually.

“Button? Are you here?” Twist called from the corridor. She opened the door and walked inside, followed by Nursery Rhyme. “And what are you doing here?”

Tootsie choked on her tea. “Auntie Twist? Auntie Nursery?” she exclaimed. “Since when are ya superheroes?”

“Stop referring to us like we were centuries old,” Twist muttered. “You’re older than us.”

“Only a few months,” Tootsie replied, sipping her tea. “Anyway, I’m Captain Cockneigh now. Da Slayer of Villains and Manechester United fans. I shall protect da weak and steal da wallets from da rich. I will steal your ‘earts.” She smirked. “Wiff one cut along da breastbone…”

“Seen that coming,” Nursery muttered, rolling her eyes. “Anyway, Button, of all the ponies in Ponyville, you had to hire our niece? She has no superpowers whatsoever. I checked, you know. But at least I found somepony with true superpowers.”

Button squinted his eyes. “Oh really? I can’t see anypony...”

“Just wait a minute...”

Suddenly, something hit one of the windows, breaking it. Button looked at the object rolling towards him and realised that it was an exceptionally large potato. A second later, a unicorn filly jumped inside, using a rope which looked like a thick vine. She was wearing an olive-coloured suit, complete with a green mask domino mask and matching socks on her hind legs. She also had chest insignia: an old metal pot cover with a potato painted crudely on it.

“Potato Mare, at your service!” the filly exclaimed, saluting and nearly knocking her mask off.

“True superpowers, huh?” Button muttered. “Those windows cost quite a bit, you know. And what exactly is wrong with her?”

“Tell him,” Nursery said. “You know, I’ve met her in the hospital...”

“We were on a school trip in the laboratory,” the Potato Mare said. She had some peculiar speech impediment; however, it’d sometimes disappear for a sentence or two, replaced by somewhat low-pitched tone, as if she had sore throat. “I accidentally sat on a genetically-modified potato, which stuck, umm... inside. Before they managed to remove it, it grew and now I’m a... umm...”

“A pony-plant hybrid,” Nursery said. “The stem of the plant replaced her spinal cord and implanted itself in her brain. Her nerves are made of a mix of neurons and plant cells. I bet she uses photosynthesis, though further research on that subject is needed.” Nursery smiled at Potato Mare and patted her mane. “Isn’t she wonderful?”

“So, what exactly can you do?” Button asked, taking a closer look at Potato Mare. Hybrids were quite cool in his book. Just behind robots, ninjas, and robot ninjas.

“I can shoot potatoes,” the masked filly replied.

“Shoot potatoes from where?” Button asked against his better judgement.

The filly showed him. At the end of demonstration, Tootsie put her tea on the table and pushed it far from herself. They also had another broken window and Button wished he’d brought brain bleach. Part of him was wondering how the filly could aim when facing away from the opponent, but it was probably yet another of her potato-based powers. Button hadn’t seen many aggressive potatoes, but he expected them to somehow hit their enemies. Otherwise they wouldn’t be called aggressive potatoes, right?

“It’s great,” Twist said. “She can knock somepony out with those... And we can make fries!”

“Ya mean chips,” Tootsie muttered. “And I ain’t gonna eat ‘em...”

“While we’re at it,” Nursery said, “she doesn’t have to eat. Photosynthesis is the future of ponykind, I’m telling you.”

“If dat involves stickin’ a potato up one’s bottle and glass, den I’ll pass,” Tootsie muttered. “Also, where’s dat girl ya talked ‘bout?”

“What girl?” Twist asked. “Who else did you hire?”

“You’ll see.” Button smirked. “She’s–”

“Hello, everypony!” Tagalong exclaimed, standing at the top of the stairs.

“Sweet Celestia!” Twist shouted. “Filly scouts discovered us!”

“What?” the Potato Mare turned, aiming at Tagalong, and shot a potato at her. Her aim was indeed amazing. The projectile hit the filly scout in the middle of the forehead, pushing her down the stairs. They heard a series of grunts, thuds and cracks, followed by silence.

“I think you killed her,” Nursery Rhyme whispered. “That sounded like multiple broken bones and possible internal haemorrhage...”

“The government will cover this,” Twist said. “Along with broken windows. Don’t worry about that.”

“Which government exactly supports us?” Button looked at the door unsurely.

Fwoosh!

“What was that?” Nursery asked.

“That, my dear, was the future of ponykind.” Button smiled triumphantly. At the same moment, they heard Tagalong calling from the downstairs.

“Hey, guys! I got hit by the potato! I’ve never died that way before!”

“Before?” Nursery lifted her eyebrows.

“Long story,” Button muttered. “Don’t shoot her next time and maybe she’ll tell it to you.”

After a while, everypony was finally at the table. Twist put her notes in front of her, while Tootsie started to hit her lead pipe idly against her armchair. The Potato Mare took off her mask.

“I know you,” Button said. “You’re Dinky Hooves, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Dinky replied. “And it’s ‘Dinky Do’, actually. No relation with Daring Do, though. She comes from Do’s from Vanhoover and mom is from Do’s from Cloudsdale. Sometimes called Hooves because there’s another family of Do’s in Cloudsdale and…” Her voice cracked. “I wonder if anyone actually listens to you.”

“I still wonder how did our little friend survive the fall...” Nursery Rhyme muttered, staring at Tagalong.

“I brought the shotgun,” Tagalong said. “I can show...”

“Not here, please, for Celestia’s sake,” Button muttered. “For some reason, her blood doesn’t disappear. She just, umm… goes all ‘fwoosh!’ and she’s back.”

“Not only blood.” Tagalong smiled innocently. “When I was trying to get the Lumberjack Badge, I had a chainsaw accident and woke up surrounded by severed limbs.”

“Interesting...” Nursery grabbed a piece of paper and started to take notes. “The older nurses told me about limbs, blood, and other body parts suddenly appearing in the forests and belonging seemingly to the same pony. The police was investigating them and they all indeed belonged to the same pony, but there were more of them than a pony should have. Like, four kidneys, seven legs, everything with the same DNA. Everyone thinks it’s just an urban legend. I guess your DNA is not in any database?”

“Probably not,” Tag replied. “I was trying to hide them, usually.”

Nursery nodded. “Hmm, to think about it, if we have urban legends, shouldn’t we also have rural legends? That’d fit the seven legs belonging to one filly more, since they were found in the forest.”

“I believe they’re called ‘folk tales’,” Tagalong replied. “Like that one out scoutmaster told us, about a colt who was bad to bugs, so a changeling queen turned him into a big spider everypony wanted to kill.”

Twist cleared her throat. “Excuse me,” she said. “I think we should focus on fighting evil now. Although Button and I watched the town for last few nights, we found no trace of criminal activity...”

“So, does it mean that we won?” Dinky asked. “Yay! I like winning!”

“No, it means we ‘ave to look for it,” Tootsie replied. “Where’s da root of all evil?”

“In the hearts of ponies who don’t buy cookies,” Tagalong muttered.

“I was gonna say Manechester, but ya’ve a point, mate.” Tagalong grabbed her monkey wrench and waved it, almost hitting Nursery. “So, if dere’s no evil, we need to find it. Or beat somepony until dey agree to be evil so we can beat ‘em once again.”

“I know!” Twist exclaimed. “Everything bad in this town comes from the Everfree Forest! We have to go there!”

“Hmm... I could finally get a Timberwolves Tamer Badge...” Tagalong said. “I still don’t have that one.”

“Is there such a badge?” Twist asked, suddenly doubting the sanity of her new friend. “Nursery, how many filly scouts with that badge do you know?”

“None. We bring them directly to the morgue,” Nursery Rhyme replied. “Usually in a few bags.” She shrugged. “But still no badge.”

“Okay...” Button said. “So, Nursery and I will stay here as the mission control, while you’ll go to the Everfree, right?”

“We’ll use the armoured carriage,” Twist replied, showing the rest the blueprint. “It’s pedal-powered, so nopony is outside. It’s armed with two death rays. We’ll go to the old castle in the Everfree and face evil...”

“How are you going to face evil if you don’t have a secret identity?” Button asked. “Also, I’m not sure if this thing works. We haven’t tested it against anypony stronger than Apple Bloom and it fell apart when she kicked it.”

“I’m the driver,” Twist said. “The rest will face evil. This will be a test. And don’t worry about the armour, I reinforced it with a ton of concrete.”

“I still see a problem…” Button raised his hoof, but nopony noticed him.

“Well, I’m in for asskickin’.” Tootsie smirked. “How ‘bout ya, gals?”

“Sure,” Dinky said.

“I want to spread good,” Tagalong added.

“Nice to hear that,” Twist said, smiling grimly. “So, let’s go...”

Author's Notes:

They gathered the party and now they can venture forth.

Trivia 1: The concept of the Potato Mare is the oldest in the fic, dating back to, as some of you may guess, a sequel of Well, This is Awkward. Which was coincidentally narrated by Nursery Rhyme.
Trivia 2: The oldest bit of Mission Control I wrote is Tag's introduction from the last chapter. It was written on 1st February 2015, over a year ago.
Trivia 3: Bootsy and I have a file somewhere with all the notes on Silver Spoonerverse we created so far. 90% of this content is unused.
Pictures:
A really old picture of Tag, Dinky, and Tootsie (can be also spotted in the background of the coverart); drawn before I started writing the fic in March 2015.
The first concept of Dinky (non-canon now)
Dinky's canon outfit
Tagalong's canon outfit

Issue 4: Into the Everfree!

The night’s silence was torn by a low-flying drone floating above the Everfree Forest. Button had “borrowed” Tank for a day to reverse engineer his helicopter. He got a face full of lightning bolts and rain when Rainbow Dash noticed, but it was worth it – now, he and Nursery could observe the strange carriage slowly crawling towards the forest.

Well, at least Rainbow Dash apologised when she noticed that it was him.

“I’m a bit nervous,” Nursery Rhyme muttered, watching the screens. “What if they get defeated?”

“They have enough firepower to survive a zombie apocalypse,” Button replied. “And trust me, I know what I’m talking about. Also, this carriage’s walls are lined with scrap metal, and reinforced with bags of sand. Not to mention the ton of concrete.”

“No wonder it drives so slowly,” Nursery said, watching as the vehicle reached the first trees. “You need to think about some better way of powering it. Maybe something potato-based?”

“Maybe...” Button started to think. If enough potatoes were connected with wire... “Do you think I’d be able to do that?”

“Of course.” Nursery smiled. “You and Twist are so wise...”

Button’s face became red. “Let’s fly it a bit higher,” he said. “We need to look for dangers...”

“Why is dat damn piece of manure so heavy?” Tootsie Flute exclaimed. She was trying to keep pace while Twist navigated the vehicle between the bushes. Sweat was soaking her costume; the carriage had only a few small windows and the inside felt like a fireplace.

“It must be,” Twist replied. “Otherwise, a monster would crush us...”

“What monster?” Tagalong asked. Her costume was basically a green raincoat, so she was sweating even worse than her friends.

“A hypothetical one. Assume a spherical, frictionless piece of bone, muscles, and trace amounts of nerve tissue that tries to break the outer shell’s integrity...”

“In other words, a big, dumb bargain hunt tryin’ to ram into us?” Tootsie Flute asked.

“More or less.” Twist shrugged. “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘bargain hunt’, but–”

“I have a Rhyme Slang Badge,” Tagalong said. “When she says ‘bargain hunt’, she actually means cu–”

“Okay, thank you,” Twist said. “Anyway, we should withstand such an attack... for a minute or so.”

“Reassuring,” Tootsie deadpanned. “We’d be able to run da whole five inches away. Useful if we’re caught by a giant, fire-spewing snail.”

Twist didn’t listen to her, trying to contact Button. “How’s our route?” she asked.

Through a heavy layer of static, mostly caused by the vehicle’s armour, Button’s voice could be heard. “You’ve just went past the field of poison joke. It’s clear now, I think.”

“Poison joke?” Tootsie asked. “I need to get some on our way back. I don’t ‘ave any in my collection.”

“Better not,” Dinky said. “Tubby doesn’t like poison joke. He also doesn’t like candies and doctors.”

“Who’s Tubby?” Tootsie asked, before she remembered that some things were better left unknown. Unless one was Nursery Rhyme. If she was told that it’s better not to know something, she’d go to that thing and take a photo for her scrapbook.

“My potato,” Dinky replied, smiling in a rather uncanny way. “Sometimes, when I sleep, Tubby talks to me. And we have nice dreams...”

“Nevermind.” Tootsie sighed, realising that she really didn’t want to know. “How far is to da castle? And why’s da Mission Control silent?”

“So, I’ve never had time for colts,” Nursery Rhyme said. “It’s kinda hard when you’re a genius and your twin sister is also a genius… You know, I barely had time to figure out sarcasm. It’s amazing how many things I missed. Amazing… and sad.”

Button nodded, trying to look at the cameras from time to time, while paying attention to what Nursery was saying. At least there was enough empty space in his head to create an echo, making Nursery’s voice louder.

“I kinda want to do something big,” Nursery continued. “That’s why I’m hanging out with you all. All those unexplained skills... Can you imagine how famous I’d be?”

“You’ve mentioned something about colts...” Button said.

“Yeah. I don’t have time for them.” Nursery shrugged. “I sacrifice them to science. But you are different. Maybe I wouldn’t have to sacrifice you?”

“Well...” Button felt that, despite two broken windows, there was quite hot in the room. “I think you are pretty nice, Nursery, and–”

“Is that why you’re still looking at my sister?” Nursery asked. “You just want to be with her...”

“No, I mean...” Button scratched his mane. “Well, she is nice, but so are you… Maybe because you’re almost identical, but she has glasses and, umm… she has that cute little speech impediment, while you don’t... And…” He felt a mental equivalent of charging into a wall.

“So, what do I have?” Nursery asked.

Button raised his eyebrows. “You have… You have… nice eyes.” He sighed with relief of someone who’d just walked across a minefield. In this territory, one had to always tread carefully.

“Tread carefully,” Twist said, watching as the rest of the fillies left the carriage. “It’s some swamp or something...”

Their carriage was standing, buried in the mud to its axles. Tootsie tried to use her lead pipe as a lever, but without any effect, apart from bending it slightly.

“The castle shouldn’t be far from here,” Tagalong said. “Maybe we should leave the carriage and get it back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, ‘cause it’ll surely be easier...” Tootsie muttered. She patted the back of the carriage with her hoof and groaned.

“We’ll call Button,” Tagalong said, trotting away from the carriage. Twist also left it and walked with the rest of the group.

“Speaking of Button...” Twist adjusted her radio. “What the hell is he doing? I can hear his drone from here, but I don’t receive any messages...”

“Radio dies first,” Dinky muttered. “Then the zebra. Then the screaming filly…”

Tootsie glared at her asked. “Should I put summfin’ else up yer Tijuana brass?” she asked. “Ya’re askin’ for it, mate.”

“Girls, stop arguing,” Tagalong said. “Arguments will lead us to nowhe–” Suddenly, she bumped into something she first thought to be a tree. At least till the tree grabbed her with its teeth and bit off her head.

“Timberwolves!” Tootsie exclaimed, jamming her lead pipe in the eye socket of another timberwolf. Twist turned back to see that one of the creatures was standing between them and their carriage.

Fwoosh!

“Timberwolves!” Tagalong exclaimed, dodging another beast. A potato hit it, causing it to look around and charge at Dinky, probably because she looked the most like one. Tagalong dodged a few more timberwolves and tried to punch one in the hind legs. The timberwolf didn’t even notice that.

“Not so fast!” Tootsie exclaimed, jumping on the timberwolf’s back and smacking it with the monkey wrench. “Meet Father Ted!”

Another potato hit the timberwolf. It turned, almost causing Tootsie to fall. She grabbed some twigs while trying to smash the creature’s head into splinters.

“Maybe a little help?” Twist asked, dodging an attack of another timberwolf, which turned, roaring at her.

“I’m helping!” Tagalong shouted, charging blindly at two tons of twigs, logs, and branches. She bounced off it and collapsed. The timberwolf stomped on her, spraying blood around.

Fwoosh!

“I’m helping! Aargh!”

Fwoosh!

“Sweet Celestia...” Tootsie muttered. She rolled on the ground and smashed the timberwolf’s hind legs while Dinky knocked it out with a well-aimed potato.

“Aargh! They’re tearing me apart!”

Fwoosh!

“Tagalong! Try to distract that one!” Twist exclaimed, pointing at the timberwolf blocking the way to the carriage. Tootsie jammed Father Ted in the mouth of the nearest wolf and fired a magic bolt at it, setting it on fire.

“Bad idea!” Twist shouted, watching at the burning timberwolf ran into the forest, knocking down Tagalong. The one that was standing by the carriage ran to her, grabbed her with its teeth and threw her at the nearby tree.

Twist was already in the carriage. The death rays moved and fired, causing the timberwolf to burst into steam and loose twigs, smelling slightly of burnt tree sap. The other two looked at each other and ran away into the forest.

“Nice fight...” Tootsie panted. Her outfit was torn in a few places. “Where’s da radio... Need to talk to somepony...”

“Tagalong!” Dinky exclaimed, seeing that the filly was still lying unconscious under the tree. It seemed that her spine was broken in a few places; blood was pouring from her mouth and nose.

“Did she run out of lives?” Twist asked, leaning from the carriage and almost throwing up upon the sight. “How lame.”

Tagalong groaned and opened one eye. “Not this again...” she muttered, spitting a few teeth out.

“Not what again?” Tootsie asked. “Da timberwolf part or da tree part?”

“Somepony... has to... reset me...” Tagalong replied, groaning.

“How?” Tootsie asked.

“Something... heavy… applied...”

“Here ya go,” Tootsie replied, levitating Father Ted and swung it at Tagalong’s head, trying not to think about what she was aiming at or what sprayed on her hooves.

Fwoosh!

“Thanks,” Tagalong said, stretching her legs. “When something fails to kill you... That’s the worst.”

“Please, don’t make me do dat again...” Tootsie stared at Father Ted and shuddered. “Ain’t good, killin’ yer friends.”

“Next time we can use the death rays,” Twist said.

“Better not,” Tagalong replied. “If I’m evaporated, I can come back in mid-air and fall. Or a few metres from here… Just about anywhere.”

“Okay.” Twist nodded and grabbed the radio. “Button, for Luna’s sake, what are you doing there?”

Finally, they heard Button’s voice. “Hi guys... I must’ve zoned off...”

“And you missed a herd of timberwolves walking towards us?” Twist exclaimed. “Tagalong died!”

“What?”

“Five times and I actually counted!” Twist groaned. “We’re stuck in the middle of the swamp!”

“How many timberwolves did you kill?” Button asked.

“Not enough to stop me from killing you! What were you doing?”

“Actually, it may have been my fault,” Nursery muttered. “We were talking and we kinda forgot to look at the screen.”

Twist sighed and slammed her head against the steering wheel of the carriage, causing some death rays to go off, burning the foliage.

“Does it mean Button’s my uncle now?” Tootsie asked innocently.

Luckily for her, Twist’s reply drowned in howling of more timberwolves approaching them. “Everypony inside,” she ordered. They hid in the carriage and locked the door, cowering on the floor.

“What now?” Tootsie asked, hearing the timberwolves approaching them. Before anypony could reply, the whole carriage shook, as the timberwolf rammed into its side.

Another wolf hit the front of the carriage, causing it to roll out of the swamp. Twist jumped to the controls and started pedalling.

“Ya do realise we’d run faster than drivin’ dat jam jar?” Tootsie asked, watching as Twist fired the death ray at the timberwolf jumping above their carriage.

“Do you have a better idea?!” Twist exclaimed.

“I dunno, but I’ve ‘eard we ‘ave a timberwolf tamer on board!” Tootsie exclaimed, pointing at Tagalong. A few boards cracked when a timberwolf hit the carriage, bending the metal sheets and crushing some concrete.

“Well, the noise scares them...” Tagalong replied.

“What noise?” Tootsie grabbed her wrench and lead pipe and banged them against each other. “Dat noise?” She moved closer to the wall, banging at it with her weapons and screaming, “Hey, ya! Havin’ a giggle there, mate? I’m gonna wreck ya, I swear on me mum!”

“Which one?” Twist asked quietly, navigating through the bushes and towards the road.

“Not yer business!” Tootsie shouted. Behind the small window of the carriage, a timberwolf shuddered and backed away slightly. “D’ya fink I forgot Truffle Shuffle?”

“I smell some family feud.” Dinky covered her ears with her hooves. “Shh, Tubby, don’t listen to them.”

“What the hay do you mean?!” Twist yelled. The nearest timberwolf missed the carriage and rammed into the nearby tree.

“I wanted to give ‘im a card on ‘earts and ‘ooves day!” Tootsie exclaimed. “But of course ya ‘ad to–”

“Someone take that pipe from her,” Twist muttered. “She’s channeling the ghosts of her parents... Last time it happened, auntie Lyra had to buy a new table.”

“Just try,” Tootsie said to Tagalong who approached her, trying to grab her pipe. “Ya’ll need a regeneration...”

“Excuse me...” Dinky said. “The timberwolves ran away. Just letting you know.”

“Okay...” Tootsie sighed and sat on the floor. “Sorry, auntie...”

“He wasn’t worth it, really,” Twist said. “It’ll take a whole night before we get this thing back to our base... And getting the cheese out of my coat was a nightmare...”

“So, we’re not going to the castle?” Tagalong asked.

“No,” Tootsie replied. “I ‘ave to talk to Button...”

“From one to ten, how strong is the pain?” Nursery asked, watching Button cowering on the floor and clutching his crotch. Tootsie was walking around them, smirking.

“Nine,” Button muttered, gritting his teeth.

“He’s lyin’,” Tootsie said, flipping the lead pipe with her magic. “Or I ain’t hit ‘im hard enough...”

“Actually, ten,” Button muttered quickly. “Also, I think we learned a lot from that trip...”

“Yeah,” Tootsie muttered. “Safety of yer jewels depends of our safety.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Button said, standing up and groaning. Twist, Dinky, and Tagalong walked to the table and sat at it, each with a cup of tea in front of them.

“So, what did you mean?” Twist asked.

“I prepared a presentation.” Button walked to the control panel and pulled a lever. “First, the armoured carriage is slow and can get stuck in rough terrain, but its armour and weapons work. Second, Tootsie is good at fighting and Dinky provides support from the distance, though potatoes lack penetration.”

“I can exercise,” Dinky said. “Tubby says it’s possible.”

Button decided to ignore that. “Last thing: Tagalong. You died five times. Are you sure you want–”

“Yes,” Tagalong replied. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I think you’re not ready,” Twist said.

Tagalong’s face became red. “And who told you about noise?”

“Okay, that was good,” Twist replied. “But you shouldn’t be in direct combat, I think.”

“I can distract ponies,” Tagalong said. “And scare them.”

“We’ll see,” Button said, looking at Nursery. “I think we can all use some sleep... Tomorrow we’ll think about tactics...”

Author's Notes:

Trivia 1: Tootsie's first words were "Grievous bodily harm". Her parents were proud.
Trivia 2: Nursery and Twist's extended family owns about four secret labs. Including a lab Lyra took from the animal shelter and was hiding it from Bon Bon for years.
Trivia 3: Bon Bon wasn't amused when she heard that pun. But she liked the lab.

Issue 5: Speedsters!

Button yawned. Spending a night in the tower definitely wasn’t the best idea, considering the fact that he had to go to school. He considered playing sick to stay in bed, but his mother saw through it all too easily and threatened to take his games away from him.

Button sighed. She’d left him no choice.

“Hello!”

Button raised his head and turned to see Nursery Rhyme. She was wearing her nurse outfit. Her saddlebags were full of papers and books. Button’s stomach twitched.

Play it cool... Button thought. “W-what’s up?” he asked.

“I made a psychological evaluation of our team members,” Nursery replied, getting a piece of paper from her saddlebags. “Morale dropped after that trip to the Everfree...”

“Tell me about it...” Button hissed, thinking of Tootsie Flute. “We screwed it up.”

“Tootsie voices the most concern out of the group members.”

“Who’d have guessed?” Button shrugged. “I have to go to school, you know.”

“I have the results of Dinky’s IQ test. She’s slightly more intelligent than a potato.”

Button stopped. “Well, I think that’s how ponies are supposed to be?”

Nursery shook her head. “Yes, but ‘slightly’ is the keyword here. I’d say that she may not follow your plans, but rather make her own on a spot.”

“So, what exactly makes her different from ponies in my guild?” Button asked, remembering how all the members of his raid group died because of a certain paladin who charged blindly into battle. “Oh wait, I think she is in my guild...”

Nursery shrugged. “I have no idea. But anyway, I think we should do something to raise morale...”

“A gaming night?” Button asked. “Pizza, snacks, and the co-op mode of Lunar Guards: The Griffonian War.”

“Pizza would be great.” Nursery smirked. “I’ll tell the rest. See you, Button...” She kissed Button’s cheek and walked down the street. Button rushed to school, his face bright red.

It took Button two lessons to get back to more or less normal mental state. He was barely listening to what Ms. Cheerilee was saying, too focused on staring at the back of Twist’s head.

“You got an A for your spelling test,” Cheerilee said, standing next to him. “Button?”

“Yes?” Button snapped out of trance.

“You got an A for your spelling test.” Cheerilee sighed. “And I need to talk with your mother. You were sleeping for the most of the lesson. Tootsie Flute... You got an F.”

“Why?” Tootsie groaned. “I told ya dat dere can be ‘u’ in ‘neighbour’...”

“Yes, I took that into account,” Cheerilee replied. “But I’m pretty sure that there’s no ‘a’ in ‘neighbour’...”

Tootsie sighed and was sitting silently until the class was dismissed. When the recess started, she walked outside with Button and Twist.

“Dammit,” Tootsie muttered, banging her hoof against the wall. “I’m a bloody superhero and I get an F?”

“Shh...” Twist looked around. “Nopony can know.”

Tootsie sighed. “Dis sucks...”

“By the way,” Button said. “Nursery said that we should do something to boost the group’s morale. I proposed a gaming night.”

“What game are we playin’?” Tootsie asked. “Is dat sumfin’ dat requires lotsa plannin’, deep strategy, and figurin’ out complex tasks in a few seconds?”

Button raised his eyebrows. “N-no... I was actually thinking of Lunar Guards: The Griffonian War, but if you–”

“Good,” Tootsie said. “I dream of smashin’ ‘eads...”

Twist rolled her eyes behind Tootsie’s back. “While we’re at it,” she whispered, “I came up with a pseudonym for myself. When we’re costumed, I’m The T.”

“Sure,” Button said. “But do you even have a costume? Last time you and Tag–”

“Ginger,” Twist said. “Her name is Ginger Snap, remember. Okay, I’ll tell Dinky about the gaming night. And by the way, bring the costumes with you. Just in case.”

“Okay,” Tootsie replied, walking back towards the class.

The moon was shining brightly over a small village in the middle of the Griffon Empire. Captain Zipper, a tall bat pony with a blue mane, emerged from the bushes and looked around through the sights of his assault rifle, waiting for his companions.

“Remember,” he said. “We have to catch Colonel Gerhardt alive.”

“Yes, sir,” the other bat pony, Lieutenant Lambada, replied. He was a bulky stallion with dark red mane, wielding a sniper rifle.

“Heard that, Clarinet?” Zipper asked the flamethrower-wielding pony, who looked at the village and smirked. Unlike the others, Clarinet was a thirster – he couldn’t fly, but the use of magic allowed him to carry bigger weapons. “We don’t want another Hoofington, do we?”

“Bugger off,” Clarinet muttered. “That white phosphorus just was there, waiting to be used...”

“Shh...” the last bat pony, Thin Mint, took off and looked at the village. He was carrying a submachine gun and had his camo suit on. “There are a few guards there.”

“I just wanted to say that it’s a stealth-based mission and flamethrowers aren’t stealthy...” Zipper muttered and shook his head. “Thin Mint, look out for tangos. The rest, advance slowly towards the village. Take cover behind the bushes. Clarinet, fire only when we’re caught.”

“Yes, sir.” Clarinet rolled his eyes.

They walked slowly through the grass. Thin Mint was flying above them, whispering into his headset.

“Four tangos on the left...”

“Should I fire?” Lambada asked, aiming his sniper rifle.

“No,” Zipper replied. “You’d shoot one and the rest would alarm that panzer division stationed nearby. We’re going there, grabbing Gerhardt, and get outta here.” He looked at Clarinet. “No own ideas, remember.”

“Hey, what do ya want?” Clarinet asked. “If it wasn’t for my ideas, Equestria would be doomed.”

“Yeah,” Zipper muttered. “Citizens of Hoofington are grateful. Those who aren’t a pile of ashes, that is.”

“Shut up!” Thin Mint exclaimed. “A tango walks towards us!”

“I got it.” Lambada looked through the scope of his rifle. “He’s alone... Not wise.” He pulled the trigger. “Tango down.”

“Good.” Zipper smirked. “We’re approaching the village... Watch out for dogs.”

“Watch out for dogs...” Clarinet muttered, switching to a knife. “Those griffons probably ate every single one–” With a bark, a large doberman caught his foreleg. The rest of the bat ponies took off, while Clarinet stabbed a dog twice. More dogs approached him. Zipper fired at one of them.

“No!” Lambada exclaimed. “They’ll hear us!”

“Dammit!” Clarinet levitated the dog’s body and threw it at two other animals. “I’m sick of dogs...” He took the flamethrower and pulled the trigger. “Go to hell, curs!”

Thin Mint darted towards the rest of the group. “What are you–” He paused seeing the flames reaching the nearby building. “Now they’ll see us all!”

“No way,” Clarinet said. “It’s only some fire...”

“Quick guys! Ammo magazine is on fire!” some griffon shouted. Zipper fired at him.

“Ammo magazine?” Clarinet asked. “Oh, motherfu–” His voice drowned in the sound of explosion. Zipper screamed when debris hit him. Lambada shot at another griffon, but then saw Zipper falling to the ground. A moment later, a burst from a griffonian machine gun ended his life.

Clarinet aimed his flamethrower at the approaching army and lit them on fire. He started to shoot at buildings, trees, and grass around. “Come and get me!” he yelled, seeing the tanks slowly crawling towards him through the blazing hell the village had turned into. “Thin Mint, cover me! We’re gonna win this war!”

Mission failed. Your actions got the rest of the team killed.

“What?” Tootsie Flute exclaimed, throwing the controller on the floor. “I’d totally capture Gerhardt myself! I’d grab da tank, shoot da crew, and drive to catch dat feathery cu–”

“It isn’t called ‘co-op mode’ for nothing,” Button said. “Next time, take a silenced gun on that mission. You’ll cause less destruction.”

“Hey, I died last!” Tagalong exclaimed. “I think I like this game.”

“And I don’t get why do we have to catch Gerhardt alive,” Twist muttered. “I’d fly to his window and pop a cap in his head. After Hoofington, he’s clearly a war criminal.”

“Tootsie’s a war criminal.” Button sighed and shook his head.

“Why don’t we shoot her, then?” Twist asked.

“Because she’s a Lunar Guard. The good guy, you know.”

“I find the morality of this game dubious,” Nursery Rhyme said, grabbing a slice of pizza.

“Can I play now?” Dinky asked.

“Yeah,” Twist said. “You can play as Lambada now. But before you start, I’ll show you my costume...”

The costume in question was a red armour with saddlebags and a pair of goggles. “You can send messages and I’ll see them,” Twist said to Button. “In the saddlebags, I have a death ray, a paint launcher, a rope... You know, Dinky can shoot vines, but there should be more ponies who can climb here.”

Button winced. “Especially since she shoots vines out of–”

“I don’t,” Dinky said. “I just conjure vines with my magic. Tubby taught me.”

“Can’t you do the same with the potatoes?” Button asked.

“No. They have to grow.”

Nursery Rhyme noted something quickly on the pizza box.

“I have a disguise too,” Tagalong said, getting a green cloak from her saddlebags and putting it on. The hood was covering her face completely. “I have a lot of those, so if one gets destroyed, I can get another.”

“Simple but nice,” Twist said. “You can put some utility harness on it too, so you can carry more stuff. A rope, or something...”

“I was thinking of giving her a glider,” Button said. “Since none of us can fly...”

Tootsie gave him a nasty look. “I want a glider.”

“You won’t survive snapping your neck. She will,” Button said. “I’ve never built a glider before.”

“Okay, I ain’t want it.”

Suddenly, they heard a beep. They looked around when Button stood up and grabbed a strange device that was lying on his desk. “The world needs us,” he said.

“Yeah, we still have to save Equestria from the griffons,” Dinky replied, pointing at the screen.

“Not this one,” Button said. “The real world. Twist and I put alarms in the most important buildings in Ponyville. If somepony’s breaking into one, we can hear it.”

“Bloody hell,” Tootsie muttered. “Permanent invigilation...”

“What building are they breaking into?” Tagalong asked, grabbing her green cloak.

Button cleared his throat. “The HayDonald’s...”

Tootsie chuckled. “Ya what, mate?!” She fell on the floor, laughing. “Most important in da town, my bum... HayDonald’s...”

“Somepony is breaking in there while we’re talking,” Twist said, putting on her costume. “This is our chance. If we catch the criminals...”

“If we can beat ‘em...” Tootsie looked around. “Damn. I left my stuff at home...”

“What are we going to do now?” Dinky asked. She was already wearing her armour and mask.

“Don’t worry. It’s on da way.”

Button pushed some knobs on his device. The screen went black and soon lit again, showing the view from several cameras installed around the town. Nursery Rhyme sat on the couch next to him. Twist, Dinky, Tootsie, and Tagalong rushed out of Button’s room.

“I can’t get anything from the HayDonald’s camera,” Button said to the microphone. “Nursery, get the drone!”

“We need to get to Tootsie’s house first, anyway,” Twist muttered. “Dammit, this armour sucks...”

“Maybe we should get the vehicle?” Tagalong asked.

“If you want to get there in two days...” Twist sighed. “We need to make something faster and less armoured.”

“Be right back,” Tootsie said through gritted teeth. “It’s my home.” She rushed through the garden and opened the door. The inside of the house was dark, so she ran upstairs, to her room.

“Are you already back?”

Tootsie froze. “No, mom,” she replied. “I just need sumfin’...” She sighed with relief – unless mommy Bon Bon learned to imitate mommy Lyra’s voice, she was safe.

“Well, I thought this whole puberty thing would hit you in, like, four years or so...”

Tootsie facehoofed. It was definitely her Mommy Number One. Or, as she called her when nopony could hear, Loony.

“But I’m glad that you think about protection,” Lyra continued. “Have fun.”

“Thanks mom.” Tootsie walked to her room and grabbed the costume from under the bed. Then she found Father Ted under the pillow and strapped him to the utility belt. After a few minutes she was ready.

“Were you talking to someone, Lyra?” Tootsie heard the voice of her Mommy Number Two, also known as Grumpy. She froze; Lyra definitely wasn’t the most responsible parent in the world, but Bon Bon had the responsibility for both of them. Unfortunately, that meant that Tootsie’s allowance could soon start to suffer.

“I... I was talking to myself...” Lyra replied.

“And replying?” Tootsie could easily see the Grumpy Mom sighing and rolling her eyes.

“I’m working on my tulpa,” Lyra said quickly. “It talks to me, really.”

“Lyra, sometimes I want to kiss you, and sometimes I want to smack you and take you to the nuthouse. Same with the kid. Where’s she? She’ll end like her biological parents...”

“She’s playing games with Milano’s son. Yeah, playing games. Nothing else.”

Tootsie fought an urge to slam her head against the wall. Instead, she opened the window and sat on the sill.

“Dinky,” she whispered. “Twist?”

“What’s up?” Twist asked.

“I need a hoof,” Tootsie replied. “Not gonna jump from ‘ere.”

“Use the door,” Tagalong said.

“My moms are currently discussing my sex life in the corridor. I can’t walk past them like that,” Tootsie said, rolling her eyes.

“What is sex life?” Tagalong asked.

“Sumfin’ ya can’t get a badge for. Dinky, I need some vine...”

“Okay,” Dinky muttered, charging her horn. A vine shot out of it, sticking to the roof. Tootsie grabbed it and slid down, landing swiftly on the grass.

“Button, how’s the HayDonald’s?” Twist asked when they ran down the empty street.

“Two individuals inside,” Button replied. “You don’t have to hurry, they don’t seem like moving anywhere soon.”

“Good,” Twist said. “Formation Alpha, girls.”

“What?” Tootsie asked.

“Me in the middle, you on my left, the Potato Mare on my right, Tagalong in the back.”

Tootsie looked at Twist unsurely. “I’d rather put Tag in da front and Di– da Potato Mare in da back. She can shoot da attackers and if Tag gets hit, she’ll be okay.”

“Okay, Formation Beta, then.”

“Three seconds to contact,” Button whispered in their headphones. “The suspects are behind the counter...”

“Freeze!” Twist exclaimed, kicking the restaurant’s door open. “Get out with your hooves on display!”

“Who is there?” somepony asked from behind the counter. “Is that police?”

“Nope, some masked vigilantes,” his companion replied.

Twist groaned. “Snips and Snails, right? Get out of there with your hooves on display.”

“Yeah, or I’ll kick your asses so hard T’s sister will make a doctorate by studying ‘em.” Tootsie said, levitating Father Ted.

“Hmm...” Snails looked at the approaching group. “I don’t know them. How do you think, who are they?”

Snips shrugged. “No idea. That accent sounds familiar, but I got nothing.”

“Stop talking and surrender,” Twist said, grabbing a paint gun. “You’re surrounded.”

“What now?” Snips asked, leaning to Snails. “Should we surrender?”

“I’m seriously considering that option,” Snails replied. “There’s four of them and we’re alone... Also, this one has a wrench, that one has a gun, and that little one with a green cape is just staring at us, smiling menacingly.”

“How can you know?” Snips asked. “I can’t see her face. And it’s a cloak, if I’m not mistaken.”

“I don’t know. I’m just–” Suddenly, Snails was interrupted by a sound of the window smashing. Two dark silhouettes landed on the floor and darted forward with an unnatural speed.

“What da fu–” Tootsie jumped back when Tagalong ran away and rammed into her. “Button, haven’t you see ‘em?”

“They’re too fast!” Button exclaimed, almost deafening everypony. “I don’t know who they are...”

The two ponies stopped in the middle of the restaurant, between Snips and Snails, and the group of the vigilantes. Twist noticed that they had rollerskates on their hooves. They were both having similar outfits: goggles obscuring most of their faces, helmets and something that looked like the Wonderbolts’ flying suits, painted in flames. The only difference was that one of them had blonde mane, while the other looked a bit like Tagalong.

“From the land of speed and glory...” the first one said.

“... we come, fast as lightnings...” the other added.

“... we come, servants of justice...”

“... warriors of peace, freedom, and love...”

“... to fight crime and protect ponies!”

“A Cute Trauma!”

“Pain Train!”

They turned to Snips and Snails. “Prepare for trouble!”

“I get it,” Tootsie Flute muttered, scratching her head. “Dey are just some idiots in colourful rags...”

Twist cleared her throat, giving Tootsie a nasty glare. “Can’t you see that they’re stealing our criminals?”

“Oh yeah.” Tootsie swung Father Ted around. “And dat makes me feel angry!”

“Chill out,” Twist said. “I’m pretty sure we’ll manage to find a way to solve it without resorting to violence...”

“Hey, you!” Dinky exclaimed. “We were here first!”

The ginger-maned pony turned to her. “Maybe. But we’ll get out of here faster...”

“Have you ever tried outrunning a potato?” Dinky asked.

“What?”

Dinky turned back. “Meet the Potato Mare!”

A potato flew through the HayDonald’s, smashing itself on the ginger’s helmet. She shook it off and rushed forward blindly. Tagalong grabbed a chair and threw it at her, but the blonde attacker jumped and kicked it in mid-air.

“You have trouble,” she muttered, charging at Tagalong.

“Bugger off dat kid!” Tootsie exclaimed, throwing her lead pipe under the filly’s hooves. She tripped and fell face first. Before she could recover, paint from Twist’s gun splashed on her goggles, blinding her.

“Sunny!” the other filly exclaimed, dodging Dinky’s attacks and jumping on the counter. She rode towards its other end when Tootsie blocked her path.

“Da coroner will ‘ave 3D puzzle of your skull!” she exclaimed, swinging Father Ted at her opponent, who blocked it easily with a rollerskate. Tootsie barely avoided getting hit; she started to levitate her wrench quickly, trying to land a hit on the masked filly.

“No chance!” The filly hit Tootsie in the chest, only to discover the plates underneath her suit.

Under the counter, Snips and Snails were watching the fight carefully. “Do you know what’s going on here?” Snails asked.

“It occurs to me that two groups of superheroes came here to catch us and are currently fighting over the right to do so,” Snips replied.

“Don’t you think that we should leave this place before they finish?”

“Indeed, we should.” Snips shrugged and walked out of the restaurant with his friend, carefully avoiding the fighting fillies.

The duel between Tootsie and the ginger-maned filly had come to a stalemate. They were blocking each other’s blows, but couldn’t do anything else. Twist and Dinky were trying to shoot the masked pony off the counter, but she was dodging them effortlessly.

“Tagalong, help her,” Twist muttered. Tagalong nodded and climbed on the counter, sneaking behind the rollerskating filly. She jumped on her back, trying to wrap her hooves around her neck.

“Betrayal!” the filly exclaimed, falling from the counter. She landed on all four and shook Tagalong off her back. Tagalong flew in the air for a few feet and hit the ice cream machine. Tootsie and her opponent watched in stunned silence as the machine slowly collapsed, smashing Tagalong.

The filly’s jaw dropped. “I... I killed her...” she muttered, tears flowing down her face. Tootsie approached her and wrapped her hoof around her.

“Don’t worry...” Tootsie said, closing her eyes. She heard a loud “fwoosh!” and knew that her opponent was now blinded by a bright flash of Tagalong’s resurrection. She lifted her and threw her on the floor, pinning her to it.

“Okay.” Tootsie opened her eyes and saw that her opponent lost her helmet. “Ya were tryin’ to steal our criminals... Dat made me angry... Ya killed my friend... Dat’s okay, she got better... But I absolutely hate such annoying cu–” Suddenly something heavy tackled her. She turned her head to see the blonde filly. Her goggles were still covered in paint.

“How can ya see me?” Tootsie asked, vaguely remembering that her new opponent’s name was Sunny.

“I don’t have to. Peachy sees you...” Sunny replied.

“Exactly,” Peachy said. “Together, we’re–” She collapsed when a potato hit the back of her head. Groaning, she tried to get up, only to see Twist and Dinky standing above her.

“I wanted to dump you in front of the police station,” Twist said. “But I think I’ll bring you to my sister...”

Tagalong walked to Twist and whispered something into her ear. Twist nodded quickly.

“I changed my mind,” Twist said. “Do you want to join us? We have medical help and our own base. And if there’s eight of us, we can get a group ticket to the bowling alley.”

Peachy’s reply made Tagalong blush. Twist narrowed her eyes and looked at Tootsie, who was cornering Sunny next to the fries machine.

“You’d be a really good addition to the team,” Twist said. “You’re good at fighting and–”

The siren wailed in the distance. “I was just trying to tell you about that, but you were too busy fighting,” Twist heard Button’s voice in her headphones.

“Run!” Twist exclaimed. Dinky rushed outside, conjuring a vine, and climbing on the nearest building. Tootsie and Tagalong galloped towards the park, while Twist ran in the opposite direction. Soon she saw Sunny and Peachy overtaking her and disappearing in the nooks. The sound of sirens was getting closer. Twist hid between the houses and started to wonder whether to take off her costume or not. Suddenly, she heard a drone above her.

“This way is clear,” Button said. “My house is only two blocks from here.”

“How about the rest?” Twist asked.

“Tagalong and Tootsie are hiding in the cemetery,” Button replied. “And Dinky is already home.”

“Try to catch the girls and show them the way...” Twist muttered, walking slowly towards Button’s house. “We need to think what to do about stuff such as a big puddle of Tag’s blood in the middle of the floor...”

“If they have nothing to compare it to, she’s safe,” Nursery Rhyme said. “And I guess they’ll give it to me...”

“I hope so...” Twist sighed.

High above the town, a large, flying spoon was parked between the clouds. A small, grey filly was sitting in the bowl, watching the HayDonald’s from the distance. She shook her head, trying to fit in her vehicle more comfortably.

“Amateurs,” she muttered to herself.

Author's Notes:

Don't worry guys, the Silver Spooner watches you...
Trivia 1: The characters are anywhere between 9 and 11, so by anime standards they're about to save the world. Well, Dinky is actually a year younger than Button, Twist, Nursery, and Tootsie. Tag is even younger, 6-7 at best.
Trivia 2: Tag's psychologist gave up and ran away to Caymane Isles.

Issue 6: The Mansion of Wonders!

Tootsie Flute swallowed the first spoon of her cereal, watching the grumpier of her mothers unsurely. Bon Bon was furrowing her eyebrows while reading a newspaper, which was never a good sign. One could expect the storm to start at any moment.

Tootsie gulped. From her seat, she could easily read the title on the first page. Masked Hooligans Destroy Restaurant.

“Typical,” Bon Bon muttered quietly, as if she was talking to themselves. “Kids these days. You let them eat too much fast food and they run around in tight pants, destroying restaurants.”

Tootsie nodded, saying nothing and focusing on her Mesquite Wood Chips.

“Back in my days, ponies were more strict for their foals. If I destroyed a restaurant–”

“Yeah, Lyra told me,” Tootsie muttered. “She also told me about dat time when ya broke into a zoo and–”

Bon Bon blushed. “I didn’t wrestle a gorilla, if that’s what she told you. And I only did that because I wanted to save Lyra.”

“Is dis why auntie Vinyl is banned from zoo?” Tootsie asked innocently.

“No.” Bon Bon blushed even more. “Vinyl is banned from zoo for... other reasons.”

They heard a sound of a door opening and Lyra walked into the kitchen, levitating a bag with groceries. “Hello, girls,” she said, putting the bag on the table. “Tootsie, we need to talk.”

Tootsie gulped. If any of her mothers ever wanted to talk, it was usually Bon Bon. If Lyra learned about the HayDonald’s...

“I’ve met Cheerilee in the market,” Lyra said. “She told me about your marks...”

“Oh bugger...” Tootsie muttered.

“What did I tell you about using such words at home?” Bon Bon approached Tootsie. “And what did you fail this time?”

“Spelling,” Tootsie whispered, lowering her head. “So, I’m grounded, right?”

“Yes,” Bon Bon replied.

“No,” Lyra said simultaneously. “I’ll revise spelling with you.”

“Yes, but we will ground you too.” Bon Bon glared at Lyra. “Lyra will revise stuff with you later. You’re barely at home during the weekends.”

“Okay.” Tootsie sighed and walked upstairs. She closed the door to her room behind her and lay down on her bed, muttering various curses under her breath.

Suddenly, she heard loud humming from under her bed. She looked there and saw that the noise was coming from the box where she’d stuffed her costume. Looking at the door and listening for her parents’ hoofsteps, she pulled the box out and opened it.

The sound was coming from a small communicator Button had given to every member of their group. Tootsie shook her head and pushed the switch.

“Is that thing on? Tootsie?” Button’s voice could be heard from a small speaker.

“Yes?” Tootsie spoke to the microphone.

“You need to come to us,” Button said. “We just got a message that someone’s gonna steal some expensive necklace during a party in Silver Spoon’s mansion...”

Tootsie heard Twist in the background, yelling, “It’s the Silver Heart of the Duchess of Maretonia, you idiot!”

“Yeah, whatever,” Button muttered. “Anyway, somepony threw a spoon at our window, with a message attached to it. We need to do something.”

“Well, ya’ll need to do sumfin’...” Tootsie replied. “I’m grounded.”

“Why?” Button asked. “Did Lyra and Bon Bon know about the HayDonald’s?”

“Not really,” Tootsie said, rolling her eyes. “Da spelling test is a different pair of bollocks though.”

Button sighed. “What are we gonna do now? Tag has some meeting to attend...”

“Ya’re gonna go to Silver yerself,” Tootsie muttered, turning the communicator off and throwing it on her bed. She then lay down, staring at the ceiling and sighed, thinking about bashing other ponies’ heads.

“Okay,” Button said, looking around their base. “We’ll have to do that alone. How are we gonna get to that party?”

“Don’t look at me,” Twist replied. “I still wonder why she didn’t invite me. I guess it’s because of those comics I borrowed from her.”

“What comics?” Button asked, his ears perking up.

“Those with tentacles. My mom confiscated them and I can’t give them back,” Twist replied, her face having the same colour as her mane.

Button nodded. “Wait! Tentacles!” he exclaimed. “Dinky can climb into the ventilation duct and hang from the ceiling over the necklace... If somepony tries to steal it, she can grab it with the vines, shoot a potato to the head...”

“Two potatoes,” Dinky said. “Just to be sure.”

“Okay, two.” Button scratched his mane. “But she’ll also need some support... An undercover agent who’d watch the guests...”

“A waiter,” Nursery Rhyme muttered. “Have you ever remembered how the waiter looks like? Also, if we can pass as teenagers...”

“I can’t go there,” Twist said. “My mane is kinda distinctive.”

“Same with me.” Nursery Rhyme looked at Button. “Seems that you’ll have to go there.”

Button sighed. “But you need to get me a waiter’s outfit. Dinky, can you sneak there and steal one for me?”

“Sure,” Dinky replied. “Do I have to put on my costume?”

“Better not,” Twist said when Dinky walked away. “We’re kinda wanted after last night. By the way, we have to do something about that.”

“Repaint our armoured carriage and go to the hairstylist. We pay fifty bits to grow beards and we’re free.” Button shrugged. “It’s easy.”

Nursery Rhyme shook her head. “It’s true what they say about light and sound...” She sighed. “Some ponies seem bright until they speak.”

“Like the guards,” Button muttered. “Have you heard something about the investigation, Nursery?”

“They keep wondering how someone got smashed by an ice cream machine and walked away on their own,” Nursery Rhyme replied. “And the lab analyses rubber from wheels of those two skaters.” She smirked. “I got a vial of Tag’s blood to play with...”

“Speaking of Tag...” Twist muttered. “What kind of meeting is she attending?”

The headquarters of Ponyville Filly Scouts was a large house built of wooden logs, located a few steps from the Everfree Forest. It was usually quite busy and that Saturday was no different – the meeting was about to start.

“Okay, girls,” Cranberry Crisp, the scoutmaster, said. She sat in the middle of a large hall and looked at the fillies sitting around her. “Let’s start with the roll call. Do-Si-Do?”

“Present,” a peanut butter-coloured filly said.

“Rah Rah Raisin?”

“Pre– present,” a little unicorn replied.

“Caramel deLite?”

“Oui.” A white unicorn nodded gently.

“Ginger Snap?”

“Present,” Tagalong said, straightening in her seat.

“You missed our last meeting,” Cranberry Crisp muttered, looking into Tagalong’s eyes.

“I was sick,” Tagalong said quickly, blushing a bit.

“You, sick?” Cranberry Crisp shrugged. “Anyway, we have a bigger problem. Recently, I have noticed that the local pack of timberwolves had been attacked. At least three timberwolves were killed and a few more were wounded. Those who did that used some kind of a vehicle... It seems that they also used powerful magic.”

Tagalong gulped, trying to hide behind Rah Rah Raisin.

“Anyway, we need to protect the environment,” Cranberry Crisp said, fire burning in her eyes. “I think none of you has Environment Protector Badge yet... Not to mention the Sharpshooter Badge or the Peacemaker Badge...” She paused, watching the faces of her little friends. “We try to be friendly... But ponies who try to destroy the planet we live on are not our friends! Do you know what that means?”

“Le massacre!” Caramel deLite exclaimed. “La guerre sainte!”

“Exactly!” Cranberry Crisp smirked. “We shall fight in the Everfree! We shall fight in Prance, we shall fight in the seas and oceans...” She walked to the chest of drawers and opened one of them. Then she grabbed an anti-materiel rifle and a box of .50 bullets. “Choose your weapons, girls. We’ll go and convince some ponies that they should change their behaviour...”

Button looked at Nursery Rhyme and sighed. “Outside the box, huh? Inside, outside, on the walls, under the box and above the box, right?”

“Well, this was more like ‘under the box’,” Nursery muttered, staring at the outfit Dinky brought to them. “What’s that?”

“Waiter’s outfit!” Dinky exclaimed, standing in attention. “I stole it while everypony were busy preparing the party!”

“It’s a waitress’ outfit.” Button rested his head on his hooves, trying not to look at the white shirt, black skirt, and a matching tie. “Do you think I’m gonna put this on?”

“Well...” Nursery Rhyme smirked. “It seems to be the right size...”

Twist chuckled. “Come on, Button... Nopony will know that it’s you... Also, Nursery probably thinks you’ll look sexy in it.”

Button stood up. “I’m not gonna put this thing on!”

Button grabbed a tray and walked to the table with it. The outfit was more comfortable than he had initially thought, but still he was looking at the guests in fear, hoping that nopony would recognise him. Twist and Nursery had made him a make up and gave him an earpiece and glasses with a camera in them. When he looked into the mirror, he thought that he looked like a Neighponese schoolfilly.

“Stop looking at yourself in the mirror!” Twist exclaimed. “We’re not interested in your face. Or at least I’m not.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Button whispered. “Dinky has it easier – she just sits in the ventilation system.”

“Watch the guests. Who looks shady to you?”

Button looked at the ponies gathered in the garden of Silver Spoon’s mansion. He recognised Silver’s parents, as well as Silverspeed – Silver’s poor cousin who was practically living with her richer family. There were also some ponies he couldn’t recognise.

“See this grey guy with sunglasses?” Nursery asked. “His name is Hoity Toity. He’s a fashion designer.”

“Yeah,” Button muttered. “Do you think he may be a burglar?”

“Everypony can be a burglar,” Nursery replied. “Look at other waiters too. Nopony pays attention to them.”

“Okay,” Button whispered.

“Hey! You!”

Button raised his head and looked around.

“Yes, you!” Silverspeed walked to Button. “I don’t think I recognise you... What’s your name, filly?”

“Umm...” Button frowned. “Eliza Doolittle?”

Silverspeed sighed. “Okay, so now Eliza should do something more than ‘little’.” She poked Button. “Bring me a whiskey, kid. Quick.”

Button nodded and ran to the kitchen.

“Button? Button, where are you?” Twist facehoofed. “Tell me that this idiot didn’t go to serve the guests instead of taking care of the necklace.”

“I’m afraid he did,” Nursery muttered, staring at the console. “How’s Dinky? Haven’t heard anything from her for a while.”

“Let’s see...” Twist pushed the button. “Dinky? Where are you?”

When they finally heard Dinky, her voice was muffled and barely distinguishable from heavy static. “I’m in the ventilation duct above the toilet. I’m hanging from the pipe and watching ponies go potty...”

“What?” Twist rested her head on her hooves and looked down on the control panel. “Why don’t you go to the room with the necklace?”

“The ducts are too narrow there,” Dinky replied. “As if someone didn’t want any ponies to go there...”

“You don’t say!” Twist banged her head against the control panel. “Why are you hiding in the toilet? Can’t you hang from the ceiling above the necklace or something?”

“I’d have to get out of the ventilation and you told me to hide there.” Dinky sighed. “Also, I thought that maybe the burglar would have to go potty too...”

“Chill out, sister,” Nursery Rhyme said, seeing that the colour of Twist’s face was now matching her mane. “Dinky, you can get out of there, just make sure no one sees you!”

“With a potato?”

“No!” Nursery facehoofed. “Just hide in the shadows and–”

“Sorry, somepony’s coming,” Dinky said and her voice drowned in static.

Nursery sighed, staring at the microphone. “Sis, do you sometimes have a feeling that everyone we know is, using unprofessional terms...”

“... retarded,” Silverspeed muttered to herself. “This whole party is retarded.” She walked through the bathroom and reached to the loose tile on the wall. Behind it, there was a mirror, a razor blade, and a string bag. Silverspeed sat on the toilet, put some white crystals from the string bag on the mirror and began pulverising them with the razor blade.

Suddenly, she heard a noise. At first, she thought it was coming from the dining room, but it was nothing like the usual party sounds. Unless the guests were all tentacle monsters whose music consisted of atonal banging against sheet metal with a sledgehammer. Silverspeed looked around, but at the same time, the noise stopped. She shrugged and went back to her mirror.

It took her a while to notice that the mirror was also staring back at her. She blinked, wondering if she hadn’t accidentally inhaled some of the white powder already. But no, there was clearly a pair of yellow eyes staring at her from the mirror.

Slowly, Silverspeed looked up. To her surprise, she saw a small unicorn filly hanging from the ceiling on something that looked like thick vines protruding from her hooves.

“Hello,” the filly said, lowering herself on the vines.

Silverspeed barely stifled a scream. She heard a splash and realised that opening the toilet seat was a good idea. “Umm... hello?” she whispered, blushing.

“You haven’t seen me here,” the filly said, landing on the floor. The vines disappeared, which brought a sense of much-needed normalcy into Silverspeed’s world.

“Or what?” Silverspeed asked.

“Or I’ll shoot you with a potato,” the filly replied.

“Fair offer,” Silverspeed muttered, watching the filly leaving the toilet. She sat there for a few minutes, before throwing the white powder and the remaining crystals into the bowl and flushing them.

Twist and Nursery watched for a while as Dinky found a good place on the ceiling, right above the small pedestal with the necklace on it. Twist pushed a switch, trying to localise Button.

“Wonder where he is,” she muttered. “You don’t think they locked him in the basement?”

“I hope he didn’t go to pick Silver Spoon up,” Nursery said. “Or else, I’ll have to lock them both in my basement...”

“Hey, I’m using it!” Twist exclaimed. “It’d be awkward if I had to–”

Somepony knocked on the door. Nursery automatically reached to the button activating the flamethrower, but Twist stopped her, pointing at one of the screens.

“Tootsie?” Nursery asked, rushing to the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I spent half of da day wiff Lyra, learnin’ spellin’,” Tootsie replied, walking inside. “I made a rope outta my sheets and ran away when she was done. What are ya doin’?”

“Dinky is watching the necklace, while Button disappeared to have coitus with Silver Spoon,” Nursery replied. “May I borrow your wrench?”

“To ‘ave what?” Tootsie raised her eyebrows. “From da context, I guess dey’re fu–”

“No, it’s just Nursery being jealous,” Twist said, pushing her sister away. “The thing is, we don’t know what’s going on with him.”

“I can check dat,” Tootsie said. “Gonna go dere and find ‘im.”

Twist shrugged. “We have glasses with a camera for you, but we have no disguise...”

“Don’t worry about dat...” Tootsie smirked.

Silver Tray was Silver Spoon’s distant cousin. That, however, didn’t mean much. Just like Silverspeed, he’d come to his rich family only to find out that they didn’t need yet another family member trying to put his hooves on their money.

They, however, needed a waiter. Silver Tray spent most of the day helping with the party and was now looking for a secluded place to hide and take a rest. He was just heading to a group of bushes, when he heard a filly’s voice.

“Excuse me! Can ya help me?”

“Who are you?” Silver Tray asked.

“I’m just a small filly who got lost and tangled in the bushes. I need an adult...”

Silver Tray smirked. “I am an adult...”

He walked into the bushes, loosening his tie. Suddenly, a loud “pwang!” could be heard from there, followed by a sound of a body hitting the ground. Few minutes later, Tootsie emerged from the bushes, dressed as a waiter.

“I was never on yer side, wanker,” Tootsie muttered, throwing a slightly bent frying pan away. She heard static in her ear and smacked it to fix the earpiece hidden inside.

“There’s a problem, Tootsie,” she heard Twist’s voice. “Your accent...”

“Oh, don’t vorry about zat,” Tootsie replied. “I am ze master of disguise.”

“Well, I don’t think the Silvers would hire a granddaughter of some officer from Pferdreich as a waitress,” Twist muttered.

Tootsie thought for a moment before clearing her throat. “Well, I’m going to speak proper then. Steady, old chap. I am heading to the kitchen, since I am a tiny bit peckish. Hereinafter, I could use a spot of tea.”

“Hereinafter?” Twist asked.

“Shh,” Tootsie whispered, trotting to the kitchen door. She could hear the cello sounds coming from the ballroom – most of the guests were there, allowing her to go unnoticed. “Chocks away.”

“What can you see there?” Twist’s voice was piercing Tootsie’s ear, especially since the speaker was a little damaged, causing loud feedback to almost deafen her.

“The usual, luv,” Tootsie replied. “Condom Bleu, deep-fried horseapples, snails with stuff... Wait.” Tootsie levitated a snail and swallowed it. “Not bad. Could use some horseradish, though, old chap.”

“She’s disgusting,” Nursery Rhyme muttered.

“You do realise that I am still perfectly capable of hearing you?” Tootsie asked, walking along the table with food and snatching snacks from it. “Hey, look, brussel sprouts with caviare and thistle!”

“I’m gonna puke,” Twist said.

“I can’t. I’m a nurse,” Nursery added. “I have to be tough.”

“Oh, come on.” Tootsie rolled her eyes. “It’s not that bad. It tastes like chicken.”

“How do you know how chicken tastes like?” Nursery asked, her voice sounding so weak that it was barely recognisable in the earpiece.

Before Tootsie could reply, a cook trotted to her. “Hey, you! Yes, you who are talking to yourself!”

“I wasn’t eating anything from the table, old chap,” Tootsie said, standing in attention.

“What’s your name, kid?” the cook asked, staring at Tootsie and squinting.

“Umm... Artful Dodger,” Tootsie replied quickly. “I gracefully dodge the guests while walking with a tray...”

The cook looked at her closer. “A snub-nosed, flat-browed, common-faced colt, huh?” He smirked. “And as dirty a juvenile as one would wish to see... But with all the airs and manners of a stallion.” The cook nodded. “Ms. Octavia will soon finish her recital. Once she goes to her boudoir, you’ll go there and bring her a drink.”

“Aye, sir,” Tootsie said. “Go there, give her a drink, and Bob’s your uncle.”

“Exactly,” the cook replied and went to pour a glass of wine for Octavia. Tootsie levitated it and went out of the kitchen.

“Nice stuff,” she muttered to herself, staring at the swords hanging on the walls. “Wonder if it’s real silver on da handle... And how much fluffy bunny I can get for dat...”

“Your accent is slipping,” Twist muttered. “And remember that you’re not here to steal stuff.”

“Bugger off,” Tootsie said, walking to the door at the end of the corridor. She lifted her hoof and hesitated. “Come one, not gonna lose da bottle now, innit?” she muttered to herself and knocked.

“Come in!” a soft voice called. Tootsie opened the door and walked inside.

Octavia was sitting in front of a large mirror. Tootsie caught a glimpse of herself in it – she thought that with thick-framed glasses covering her eyelashes, and a tuxedo she looked like some boffin.

“Hello,” Tootsie said. “I brought a drink for you, ma’am.”

“Oi, thank you, dear,” Octavia replied, taking a glass of wine. “You are from Great Bridletain too, right?”

“Yeah, from Foaldon,” Tootsie replied. “How did you know?”

“Oh, I’m from Foaldon too,” Octavia said, taking a sip of her wine. “Ya may not believe, but I’m from East End.”

“Bloody hell,” Tootsie muttered. “I’m a Cockneigh too. Chitty chitty bang bang and so on. Damn, da world is a small place...”

“Yeah,” Octavia said. “Funny how that happens... What’s your name, mate?”

“Artful Dodger,” Tootsie replied. “I can speak like dat, innit? Tired of dat posh Tom tit...”

“Of course, luv.” Octavia looked at Tootsie more carefully. “You know, Art, I knew a dustbin lid that looked like you once. But she was a filly.”

Tootsie gulped. “And what happened to her?”

“I don’t know,” Octavia replied. “I moved to Equestria to learn in Canterlot Musical Academy. But I’ve heard that her parents were killed in a battle with Manewall HC fans...”

“It was Manechester United,” Tootsie said, sighing. “But yeah, daddy ‘ad beaten up a few colts from Manewall too...”

“How do you know?” Octavia asked.

“Busted,” Twist whispered in Tootsie’s ear.

“Quick, tell her that you’re transsexual!” Nursery exclaimed, almost deafening Tootsie again.

“I’m... trainsexual,” Tootsie muttered. “Wait, what?”

“Exactly, what?” Octavia raised her eyebrows. “I mean, I don’t judge, but that’s strange, at your age...”

“You’ve always wanted to be a colt, dummkopf!” Nursery shouted. Tootsie winced – even through a layer of distorted voice she could hear the sound of a hoof contacting a forehead.

“I always wanted to be a colt,” Tootsie said, barely stifling a groan.

“Oh...” Octavia blinked. Suddenly, Tootsie felt that she was hugged by the cellist. “I guess it must be very tough for you...”

“Not really,” Tootsie muttered, trying to free herself from Octavia’s grasp. She thought of a leaflet she’d read once at school and decided to go with it. “My mums are very supportive towards me...” Suddenly she found herself wondering about the spelling of the word “towards”.

“That’s nice,” Octavia said. “How are you doing?”

“Dey’re dykes, so we’re kinda one, big, queer family,” Tootsie muttered, ignoring Nursery’s stifled laughter. “We kinda ‘ave some argy-bargy wiff bees and honey. For da operation.”

Octavia nodded and opened her cello case. “You know, I got paid for that recital, but I have enough money for myself. Here, take that bag of sand...”

“Thanks!” Tootsie exclaimed. “I have to go back to work, I think.”

“Of course, luv,” Octavia said, watching Tootsie prancing to the door. “Cheerio.”

“Bag of sand? What the hell is that?” Nursery Rhyme whispered. Tootsie heard a noise as if somepony slammed a microphone. “Is that thing even on?”

“It’s a thousand bits,” Twist said. “I think we can safely admit that our niece is a gypsy.”

“You tell me,” Nursery muttered. “When we played poker, she looked into her cards once and knew not only what cards I had, but also what’d happen to me in the next week or so. Can she even hear us?”

Tootsie walked down the corridor, still thinking about her encounter with Octavia. She was barely paying attention to her surroundings, clutching the bits under her tuxedo. After a minute or so, the noises coming from the communicator finally attracted her attention.

“What’s up?” Tootsie asked.

“You okay there, Tootsie?” Nursery Rhyme asked.

Tootsie sighed. “If any of me mothers hears dat I’m trainsexual...”

“Transsexual,” Nursery muttered with a sigh.

“What I said.” Tootsie groaned. “Anyway, if dey hear ‘bout it–”

“Hey, it won’t be that bad,” Twist said. “You said that yourself. They’ll understand that since they’re both–”

Tootsie shook her head. “I bloody know dat! But try ta ‘xplain Lyra dat I ain’t wanna ‘ave no wankie! Anyway, Nursery, if dey ‘ear dat, I’m gonna stomp on yer ‘ead till yer brain flows outta yer pies and britneys, scrap it off da floor, fry it wiff onion, eat it, and use yer skull as a chamber pot. Got it?”

Tootsie waited for a few minutes, but there was no single sound coming from the earpiece. She shrugged. “Dat reminds me,” she said. “Turn dat bloody camera off, I’m gonna take a piss.”

There was no answer. Tootsie walked to the door with a picture of a mare on it and pushed it open.

“Excuse me,” a brown earth waitress who was just washing her hooves said. “It’s a little filly’s room. Colts have–”

“Button, ya bloody imbecile, it’s me!” Tootsie chuckled, staring at the dress Button was wearing. “Are ya trainsexual?”

“No, I totally never did anything to my train,” Button replied quickly. “Tootsie? Weren’t you grounded?”

“Only gods can judge me,” Tootsie said. “I ‘eard ya need help.”

Button nodded. “Well, since you’re here... Can we switch clothes? This thing is rather uncomfortable...”

Tootsie’s reply made Button blush. “I’ve never thought about my mother that way...”

“Ya’re da only one,” Tootsie said. “Anyway, turn on yer ear-thingamajig. My aunts can’t find ya.”

“Something strange happened to me,” Button muttered. “But I think I know who is the thief.”

“How?”

“It’s a long story.”

Tootsie shrugged. “We ‘ave some time, I guess.”

Button cleared his throat. “Well, it all starts in Silver Spoon’s basement...”

Tootsie put a hoof on Button’s mouth and looked around. “Don’t say dat aloud, mate, or Nursery’ll strap ya to da table and rip ya a new ‘ole in da arse.”

“You do realise that you’re both wearing glasses with cameras in them and I can hear your every word?” Nursery Rhyme asked.

Button blushed, but after a second went pale, his eyes shrinking to pinpricks. “I’ve just used the toilet...”

“I know...” Nursery replied, purring at the end of sentence.

“How d’ya fancy watchin’ me deliver a pavement pizza?” Tootsie asked, making a gagging sound.

“Considering what you’ve eaten, that’d be an interesting experience,” Nursery said.

Tootsie rolled her eyes in a manner that would make Bon Bon proud. “Oh, go fu–”

Button cleared his throat.

Tootsie sighed. “Why is da whole universe interruptin’ me when I’m tryin’ to say–”

“I wanted to tell you who’s the burglar,” Button replied.

Tootsie walked to the door and locked it. “C’mon, mate.”

Button cursed under his breath, trying to balance a heavy tray on his head. He trotted out of the kitchen and walked to the ballroom. He stood by a group of teenage mares and smiled, showing his teeth. “Would you fancy a drink?” he asked.

The closest of the teenagers, a blue earth mare with a large pink bow in her blonde mane gave him a look usually reserved for something important yet not pleasing to the eye, like a piece of manure on the pavement. “That’s, like, very nice of you,” she said, grabbing a drink and turning back to her friends. “And then I, like, told him that...”

Button wanted to go somewhere else, but his gaze went into close contact with the mare’s curvy behind. It wouldn’t take him more than a few seconds to remember that he had a mission and go away. However, he also heard what they were talking about.

“He said that, like, he totally has no money!” The blue mare rolled her eyes. “Imagine that? Like, do I have to buy jewellery myself? Scandalous!”

“Oh my gosh! That’s, like, inexcusable,” the other mare, pink with a blue mane, said. “Like, we need to take care of that.”

“As if. Like, we need to, like, get there.” The mare turned to Button. “Why are you, like, still standing here? Like, you don’t have anything else to do?”

“I think I have,” Button replied and ran away from the ballroom. He lost his tray in the corridor, but it didn’t stop him. In fact, he was stopped in the kitchen when a butler kicked him.

It was a precise kick, practised by the butler for years. Its force changed Button’s trajectory two inches to the right, which was enough for him to bounce off the fat cook’s behind and fall into a laundry chute. The butler smirked. Everything was going according to the plan.

Button screamed, falling down the chute. He had a brief thought that his skirt should slow down the fall, but at the same moment he saw a quickly approaching laundry basket. Before he had time to think about unusuality of such a phenomenon, he hit the basket tail-first.

“You are here, at last,” a voice said from the dark corner of the basement. Button stood up, shaking some lacy lingerie off his back.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“Don’t worry,” the voice said. “We’re both playing for the same team...”

Button shrugged. “I’m not so sure...” He was sure, however, that his mother warned him about strange voices talking to him in the basement.

“Oh, come on...” Button heard trotting and strange ringing. After a moment, the filly stepped into a circle of light.

She had grey coat and violet eyes. Her mane was in two shades of grey, both lighter than her coat. It was flowing freely, partially covering her outfit – tight, white and purple spandex, the very sight of which made Button realise that his skirt was a bit too tight for his liking. The weirdest part were, however, spoons sewn to her uniform, forming a silver armour.

Button was sure that he’d never seen her before.

“Who are you?”

“I’m the Silver Spooner, Hero of Ponyville.” The Silver Spooner pointed her hoof at Button. “And you’re a colt, little filly!”

“Not my fault,” Button muttered, straightening his clothes. “The friend who got me this costume can only count to potato. Literally.”

“Well,” the Silver Spooner said. “I have noticed your recent activities at the HayDonald’s... And it was me who brought you here...”

“The message.” Button nodded. “It was on a spoon.”

The Silver Spooner nodded. “Exactly. I would send a message to those two rollerskating rascals, but you were at least avoiding breaking the windows. I don’t want my house to be destroyed.”

“So, you live in Silver Spoon’s house?” Button asked. “I’ve never noticed you.”

“Yes, you can say that I live in her house,” the Silver Spooner replied with a barely noticeable sigh. “Anyway, crime in Ponyville isn’t something we can fight alone. You’re not alone here, I suppose?”

“No. Di– I mean, the Potato Mare is here too.”

“The Potato Mare?”

“She sat on a mutated potato and now has a second, plant-based brain in her ass,” Button replied. “At least that’s what Nursery says and I believe her in that matter.”

“Interesting.” the Silver Spooner leaned closer to Button. “Are there more of you? I think it would be better if all the superheroes of Ponyville formed a team.” Fire burned in her eyes. “Together, we’ll be able to eradicate evil once and for all!”

“Well, there’s The T, but she doesn’t have any superpowers, just gadgets and fancy armour.” Button sat on the edge of the basket. “And there’s Captain Cockneigh.”

“I think I saw her,” the Silver Spooner said. “Is it that brute wearing a flag, speaking gibberish, and hitting ponies with a large tool?”

“Yup, it’s her. Too bad she’s grounded.” Button sighed. “We could use someone to whack those burglars with something heavy.”

“We need to be quiet,” the Silver Spooner replied, squinting. “We don’t want another HayDonald’s... Especially in my house.”

“There’s already Dinky in there,” Button said. “Some windows may end up smashed. I don’t know if I told you, but she can shoot potatoes from her–”

“Seriously? Fascinating.” The Silver Spooner nodded. “I mean, a bit gross, but fascinating nonetheless. Is there somepony else in your group?”

Button nodded. “Tagalong. She’s kinda freaky.”

The Silver Spooner rolled her eyes. “Button, you just told me that one of your teammates shoots tubers from her rectum. What can be more freaky than that?”

“The first time I met her, she shot herself with a shotgun. She then commented on the size of blood splatter.” Button shuddered. “She’s, like, an immortal filly scout. Think about it.”

The Silver Spooner nodded slowly, her eyes widening. “Bloody hell...” she whispered.

“Exactly. Anyway, I know who’s going to steal the necklace,” Button said. “Two teens in tacky clothes.”

The Silver Spooner looked at the small screen in front of her. It wasn’t as impressive as the one Button was using in the tower, but it still had connection to cameras in the whole house. “I can see them. From what I know, they’re named Surf and Turf. They’re going there...”

“Damn,” Button muttered. “The Potato Mare is there! Either she’s going to hurt them or they’re going to hurt her!”

“I can’t give myself away,” the Silver Spooner said. “You need to go and help her.” She looked at the screen again. “Hmm, that waiter looks familiar...” She turned back to Button only to find out that he was running out of the basement.

She shrugged. “Hope he notices the slippery step...”

“So, ya told me da whole story to tell me dat we need to ‘urry?” Tootsie asked, rolling her eyes. “Couldn’t ya tell me dat on da way?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve seen them,” Button replied. “They’re in the corridor, waiting for everypony to go somewhere else.” He winced. “My head hurts. I fell down the stairs on my way here.”

“I ain’t give a fiddler’s fart about yer ‘ead!” Tootsie exclaimed, running out of the toilet. They trotted through the corridors, accidentally bumping into Silver Spoon and knocking her down.

“Sorry!” Button exclaimed, helping Silver up. He noticed that she was wearing a really nice, blue dress.

“I saw you looking at her!” Nursery Rhyme hissed into the microphone.

Button sighed and quickened up his pace. It was hard to keep up with Tootsie, who tore through the crowd like a small, dragonfire-powered icebreaker. That is, if icebreakers were able to mutter curses under their breaths.

Suddenly, she turned to Button. “So, ya’re tellin’ dat some gal callin’ ‘erself ‘Da Silver Spooner’–”

“Not ‘Da Silva’,” Button replied. “She didn’t look like she was from Mexicolt...”

Tootsie told him to go do things adolescent colts do when they think nopony sees them. Not looking at Button anymore, she trotted to the room where the necklace was kept and kicked the door open.

“Well, well, well,” she muttered, seeing two ponies standing in front of the necklace. “What are we doin’ ‘ere?”

“That, like, not your business,” the blonde mare, Turf, replied. “Like, get out of here, little waiter before we get, like, angry.”

“Totally,” Surf added.

“Okay,” Tootsie lit her horn. “Like, I’m now gonna kick yer arses till dey, like, totally turn red like buses in Foaldon...”

Button did the only sensible thing – he hid behind Tootsie, hoping that he wouldn’t get caught in the crossfire.

“You know, there’s, like, two of us,” Surf said. “And we’re, like, twice as big as you are, runt...”

“Oh, really?” Tootsie chuckled. “Look up.”

Surf and Turf looked up, at the grating of air conditioning system. Or rather, a mass of vines and tubers that was in that place. They screamed, their eyes widening, at least until potatoes fell on their heads, rendering them unconscious.

“Well, dat was anticlimactic,” Tootsie muttered. “Ya can stop hidin’ behind me, berk,” she said, staring at Button and sighing.

The door bursted open. Several suit-wearing ponies stood in them, watching the scene with wide eyes. “Hey, look!” one of them shouted. “Those two were trying to steal the necklace!”

“Ya figured dat out all by yerself?” Tootsie Flute whispered.

“Those waiters stopped them!” Another pony pointed at Tootsie and Button. “They’re called Artful Dodger and Elisa Doolitle!”

“Bugger me,” Tootsie muttered. “It’s like the very first issue of Power Ponies all over again...”

Button sighed. “Yeah, they changed a bit over years... But I liked that issue.” He smirked. “Also, enjoy the moment. We saved the day.”

“Should I bugger you right here?” Dinky lowered herself on the floor and patted Tootsie’s back with a vine. The sight caused one of the ponies to faint.

“Stick it where da sun ain’t shine,” Tootsie muttered. “Also, Button, we? Aargh! Dinky, ya bloody moron! I ain’t mean it literally!”

“I found who they were,” Button said.

“Have you heard that?” one of the guests asked the others. “This filly found who they were!”

Tootsie groaned and facehoofed.

Author's Notes:

Trivia 1: Wood Chips Cereal first appeared in Vinyl and Octavia Eat Cereal and Nothing Happens. According to Bootsy, Mesquite ones are the least popular flavour. Not that Tootsie minds.
Trivia 2: The angrier Tootsie is, the thicker her accent gets. If you get nothing but apostrophes, check your pulse because there's a large chance that you're already dead.
Trivia 3: Cranberry Crisp's favourite method of protecting the environment is shooting everything that may be a threat to it. She's also a direct descendant of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Don't ask how it works.

Issue 7: Slow Day!

“Hello, my name is Nursery Rhyme and I’m an official nurse of the group of superheroes known as... Hey, how exactly are we called?”

“Nursery! Stop playin’ wiff dat camera, or I’m gonna stick it in yer–”

Nursery turned to Button before Tootsie could finish. She walked to him, watching the machine he was building. “What are you doing?”

“A glider,” Button replied, too focused on his work to look at Nursery. “None of us is a pegasus and we need some aerial support.”

Twist walked out of the tower and trotted to them through the meadow. When she saw the camera in her sister’s hoof, she groaned. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Nopony’s gonna watch it anyway.”

“Who knows?” Nursery asked. “We’re kinda famous after that necklace incident. After all, we saved the day...”

“Horseapples,” Tootsie Flute muttered. “Not to mention dat I got grounded for two weeks. At least I got C on my spellin’ test.”

“Oh, come on!” Nursery exclaimed. “Soon we may become popular in the whole of Equestria! Say something superhero-ish! Or at least something about yourself.”

“Okay,” Tootsie said, getting up from the grass and putting on her domino mask. “My name is Captain Cockneigh. I like hoofball, tending to flowers, and hurting ponies.”

“You mean soccer, right?” Button asked, putting the hammer down and staring at the glider. “Because I usually see you playing– Aargh!”

“It’s hoofball,” Tootsie muttered, watching Button roll on the grass. “Don’t forget ‘bout it, or I’ll kick ya where it hurts more...” She turned to the camera. “I hate spellin’, idiots, and da buggers who killed my parents.”

“Will you tell us something more about yourself?” Nursery asked.

“My favourite movie is Cockneighs vs. Zombies,” Tootsie replied. “And I’m gonna shove dat camera up somepony’s arse soon...”

“Okay,” Nursery muttered and pointed the camera upwards. “And here we have another member of our team. Hello, Potato Mare! What are you doing?”

“Just hanging around,” Dinky replied, lowering herself on the vines. “Captain and I have recently saved the necklace of that important lady from being stolen by those two ponies wearing strange clothes. Tubby liked it very much.”

Nursery sighed. “Okay... Tubby is, from what I’ve heard, a genetically-engineered potato, right? Can we talk to him? What is he saying right now?”

Dinky stood still, her eyes locked on some point in the distance. “When a cucumber is divided, the things are getting in her way and when hippos dance, there’ll be a high chance of bottle inflammation. Ia, ia, Shub-Niggurath! For I am the beetroot that will solve all the ironing boards in the orgy of an endless suppository of half-molten braces of a light bulb.”

“I think we’ve heard enough.” The camera trembled in Nursery’s hoof.

“Sometimes, however, Tubby goes silent,” Dinky said. “And then things happen.”

Tootsie moved further away from Dinky. “I ain’t wanna be ‘ere when dey ‘appen.”

“It only happens when I’m alone in my room, though.” Dinky shrugged. “It feels funny.”

Nursery sighed. “Okay, I’m pretty sure that your inner life is very interesting, but I don’t have that much tape.” She smiled and patted Dinky’s head. “Come to my lab one day.”

“Sure,” Dinky replied, smiling back at Nursery.

“And here we have my sister, The T,” Nursery said, walking to Twist. “She’s working on her gadgets and other stuff. What is it?” She pointed at something that looked like a revolver, if revolvers were made of wires and aluminium which seemed recycled from empty beer cans.

“That’s my new launcher,” Twist replied. “Burning everypony with a death ray isn’t very practical, so I went towards something more universal.” She opened the magazine. “Inside there are six crystals with spells recorded on them. By turning it, I can change the spell it fires.”

“What spells do you have?” Nursery asked.

“Death ray, stunning spell, healing spell, levitation, radar, and a flashlight,” Twist replied. “Weaker than average unicorn’s, but I can still do this.” She switched the launcher to a levitation spell and fired it at two beakers full of some yellowish liquids. Seeing this, Tootsie backpedalled, only to find out that she’d have to bump into Dinky if she continued her escape.

“What’s dis?” Tootsie asked.

“Don’t worry, they’re safe,” Twist replied, waving the beakers around. “That is, until you mix them. Then they kinda explode. Or rather burn.”

“And why do we need ‘em?” Tootsie looked at the beakers and shuddered.

“Glad you asked,” Twist said. “Remember our armoured cart?”

“Yeah, dat.” Tootsie sighed. “It was slow like old ponies fu–”

“I built a new one. We’ll use it on our patrols,” Twist said. “No armour, pedal-powered, lots of gadgets, and an afterburner. If we get into trouble, it’ll help us run away. This is the fuel.”

“Hmm, isn’t it made of wood?” Button asked. He finished working on the glider and looked at it from the distance.

“Details,” Twist muttered.

“Put it down, please.” Button grabbed one of the beakers. “Is that stuff even legal?”

“Well, I made it of legal ingredients.” Twist smirked.

Button sighed. “Nevermind.”

“Yeah.” Tootsie shrugged and took a small box out of her pocket. “Leave those explodin’ chamber pots and ‘ave a lunch.” She opened the box. Twist looked inside and shuddered, seeing a brownish suspension full of some unrecognisable chunks that probably used to be corn, rice, beans, and chilli peppers before somepony decided to torture them by cooking slowly.

“Is that... Lyra’s chili?” Twist asked, feeling her throat drying quickly.

“Yup.” Tootsie aimed her horn at the chili and started to heat it with her magic. “It’s awesome.”

Twist decided to take a look somewhere else. Her first contact with Lyra’s chili had ended in hospitalisation. If one left a tortilla chip in it for too long, it was catching fire. It could melt spoons and burn holes in tables. Nursery Rhyme once took a sample to the lab. Apparently, after eating a big enough dose, one could only take five steps before dying. Twice.

Unfortunately for Twist, “somewhere else” meant “straight into Nursery’s camera.”

“So, will you tell me something about your armour?” Nursery asked.

“Classified, patent pending,” Twist replied quickly. “But I have a compartment for peppermint sticks.”

Meanwhile, Tootsie levitated a tortilla chip, dipped it in chili and ate it without even flinching. “Want some?” she asked Button.

“No, thanks,” Button replied, looking down the hill. “Seems that Tag is coming to us.”

Indeed, a filly joined them after a while. She dropped on the grass, panting. Her eyes were bloodshot and her fur was drenched in sweat.

“Did something happen?” Button asked. “You okay, Tag?”

“Do you have something to eat?” Tagalong asked. “My sugar level drops when I’m stressed.”

Nursery raised her eyebrow. “Can’t you just–”

“Dying from it takes a while,” Tagalong muttered. She took chili Tootsie offered her and dipped a tortilla chip in it.

“You’d better eat a peppermint stick,” Twist said. “There’s more sugar in it.”

“It’s okay, I just ate this chi–” Suddenly, Tagalong choked. Her eyes widened as she looked around helplessly, trying to catch a breath. She grabbed her throat, dropping the box with chili.

“Okay, abdominal thrust...” Nursery muttered, rushing to help. “Hold on, Tag, I’m gonna help you!”

Tagalong took five steps towards Nursery.

“Fwoosh!”

“Feeling better?” Nursery asked when the light disappeared. The only reply was another “fwoosh!” accompanied by another burst of light.

“Now that’s better,” Tagalong muttered. “My sugar level is also good now. And at least I didn’t fall.”

“Is that bad?” Dinky asked. Tootsie looked at the chili lying on the grass and groaned. Meanwhile, the grass blackened and started to smoke.

“Dying standing is a luxury I don’t experience often,” Tagalong said. “Anyway, I just remembered that I have something very, very, very, very important to–”

“Go fly a kite,” Tootsie muttered. “You spilled my lunch.”

“Do you want a baked potato?” Dinky asked.

Tootsie looked into Dinky’s eyes and said a few words about where she could stick a potato if it hadn’tbeen for the fact that it was probably coming from there. She then looked at the spilled chili, shrugged, and started to eat it with grass it had landed on.

“My niece in a nutshell,” Twist muttered. “Don’t eat it! Someone may have peed in here...”

“Itdothnttathtelikeet,” Tootsie replied, her mouth full of grass and chili.

Button turned to them. “Two chavs were fighting and fell down the cliff. Who won?”

“The society,” Nursery Rhyme replied. “A chav and a zebra are in a cart. Who pulls it?”

Tootsie swallowed her chili and gave Button a nasty glare. “I’m pretty sure yer arse’ll benefit from a little whoopin’...”

Button backpedalled, covering his most vital parts. Tootsie stretched her hooves and approached him slowly.

“Hey, who pulls that cart?” Dinky asked.

“Your mom,” Tootsie replied.

Dinky raised her eyebrows and scratched her mane. “I don’t get it,” she said. “Why’d my mom pull a cart with a chav and a zebra?”

“She insulted you,” Nursery whispered, seeing that Tootsie clearly wanted to assault those parts of Button Nursery could find the most interesting in a few years.

A potato to the back of the head diverted Tootsie’s attention from Button. She turned towards Dinky and exhaled loudly, gritting her teeth. “Ya’re dead,” she whispered. “More dead than tomatoes Lyra was tryin’ to grow...”

“It’s pronounced ‘to-may-toes’,” Nursery muttered, grabbing Tootsie’s tail with her teeth while still holding a camera. A moment later, she was lying on the ground, knowing very well which pronunciation was superior. Also, when she later retrieved the movie from her camera, she got a perfect picture of Tootsie’s hind legs in motion.

“Enough!” Twist exclaimed, using her launcher to levitate Tootsie. “We’re superheroes! We don’t fight each other!”

“Put me down!” Tootsie thrashed in mid-air. “It ain’t natural...”

“I’ll put you down when you calm down!” Twist groaned. “Can this day get any worse?”

“Hey, I’m flying!”

Tootsie fell on the ground when Twist looked into the sky to see Tagalong flying above them. Button’s glider worked surprisingly well, catching a stream of hot air and lifting Tagalong high above the ground.

“Dis ain’t gonna end well, innit?” Tootsie asked.

“Definitely,” Button muttered. “I spent days building it...”

“The perversity of the universe always tends towards a maximum,” Dinky said. “At least according to Tubby.”

“Hey! I can see my house from there!” Tagalong exclaimed, turning sharply. “Whoops...” Her eyes widened when one of the glider’s wings broke. The glider spiralled out of control, falling towards a group of trees and bushes on the river bank.

“I guess she ain’t gonna see ‘er house from dere...” Tootsie muttered when the remains of the glider disappeared behind the trees.

“Tootsie!” Twist exclaimed when something exploded brightly between the trees.

“It’s not like she’s gonna die or sumfin’...”

“My glider!” Button shouted.

“It sucked anyway,” Dinky said. “If it didn’t, it wouldn’t break.”

“It’s because you’re not supposed to turn it as if it was a battleship!” Button exclaimed. He reached behind his back, but he didn’t find any hyperspace mallets there, so he continued, “It was a delicate work of art!”

Dinky waved her hoof. A vine appeared out of nowhere and smacked Button in the face.

Button rolled his eyes. “Do you all think that hitting me brings good luck or something?”

Nursery smirked. “Not if you don’t want that...”

Button sighed. He opened his mouth to answer, but at the same moment someone kicked him in the rump.

“Your glider broke,” Tagalong said, frowning. Her costume – which was, in fact, a green filly scout raincoat – was torn in a few places. “I snapped my neck and I don’t like when it happens.”

“Why did you even touch it in the first place?” Button exclaimed, waving his hooves.

Tagalong turned to Tootsie. “She told me so.”

“What?” Tootsie lifted her wrench.

“You told me to go and fly a kite...”

“Oh, for da love of Celestia...” Tootsie rolled her eyes. “Does anypony ‘ere get ‘em metaphors?”

“No,” Nursery replied. “Though I’m learning to use them. It’s fascinating.”

“Celestia, give me patience,” Tootsie muttered under her breath. “Just don’t give me strength, or else I’m gonna tear someone’s bloody ‘ead off, impale it on a pike an’ call dat modern art. Or maybe brave ‘art.”

Twist sighed. “Okay, enough. Tag, what were you trying to tell us?”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Tagalong replied. “My head hurts because of that glider. I’m gonna go home.”

“Wait!” Twist exclaimed. “You said that was important! And we were going to guard the town together tonight.”

Tagalong didn’t listen. Instead, she started to run, almost tripping over her own hooves.

“Just great.” Twist rolled her eyes. “So, anyone has anything else to say?”

“I’m not your twin sister,” Nursery replied, smirking. “I’m Bon Bon’s twin – a thirty years old midget who’s pretending to be a filly because Button is just so sexy…”

“That’s kinda creepy, but if you’re into it…” Dinky looked at Button, whose jaw nearly hit the ground. “He isn’t.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Twist asked. “It all makes sense now…”

“Practical jokes!” Nursery exclaimed, laughing. “I figured them out! Don’t worry, it wasn’t true.”

“What if it was?” Dinky shrugged. “My mom would talk about that all the time…” Her voice lowered slightly. “You’re still creepy, kid.”

“May I commit aunticide?” Tootsie asked.

“That’d technically be materteracide or amitacide,” Nursery said. “The former if you consider Bon Bon your mother and the latter if you think she’s your father.”

“Fine!” Twist exclaimed in a high-pitched voice, suggesting an imminent mental breakdown. “Tootsie, you’ll guard the town with me tonight. Nursery… Have you ever seen a chicken?”

Nursery raised her eyebrows. “Yes, why?”

“So go cluck yourself before I hurt you,” Twist muttered through gritted teeth. “And please, someone do something with Button before he starts drooling!”

“Sure thing.” Tootsie smacked Button in the back of the head. He fell face-first on the grass, but at least he regained consciousness.

“Okay.” Twist took a deep breath. “You’re dismissed. Tootsie, come with me, I need to show you something…”

Author's Notes:

Trivia 1: Materteracide/amitacide are perfectly cromulent words I made up myself (matertera is Latin for "maternal aunt" while amita is "maternal aunt"). Then I googled them to check if such words exist. Don't do that, most of the results lead to some adult sites. It's better not to know why.
Trivia 2: One of Twist's superpowers is completely ignoring reality whenever it gets in her way.
Trivia 3: Tootsie's current suit is called Phase 1 suit. Yes, there's also Phase 2 suit.
Pictures:
Twist (similarly to Silver, she doesn't wear glasses when disguised).
Peachy Pie
Sunny Daze
Alternate cover for Mansion of Wonders

Trivia 4: The pictures of Peachy and Sunny were drawn a while ago, while the picture of Twist was drawn yesterday. The difference in style is pretty noticeable.
Trivia 5: Lyra's chili is banned in several countries.