One Step At A Tem
by SnapDrakeGames
First published
What happens when Equestria is host to perhaps the only being as unpredictable as Pinkie Pie? Nothing sensible, I can tell you that.
Over the course of Equestria's existence, it has faced many perils and dangers. It's known the threat of a looming tyrant. It's felt the pain of a great betrayal. It's been sucked dry of magic and faced invasion by shape-shifting parasites, and has even been host to gods of insanity. Equestria is a place where catastrophe is the norm, and its rulers are always prepared.
Nothing could prepare tem for this.
-----
A rather satirical Displaced story.
Chaptem One
Author's Notes:
Warning: Following this author's note we delve into complete insanity. For those of you who wish to keep your brains from leaking out any of your many orifices, please click the link below. For those bold enough to continue regardless... I'm not footing the bills.
"equesTria, prEsent day.
a adorable huMan awok in teh MIddle of thE! everfre forest. BEig an adorbl human, it tried to fnd a STream to look et itself and see it's aDorable face. bt when It found teh Streem, it gvaeuh hug gasP at what it saww. teh human... was no Loger A human! dun dun. dun!!!!!!!
insted, a face Covrd in a blEck cowl, wiv whit slits fr eyes starreD! back at da human. "Oh noes!" the human creid. "i'm temmie... I meen, batman! tHE hUMAN stumbled beckwords,gasping his hed withi his hands. He slouchded aginst a treee nd sobbd. Then he stod up. w"ELL, enuff ov dat," he tlod himself. "I'm batman now. I'm nt spossed to cry. I'm a batass. Ha ha ha. I maed a joke."
eTH HumAn lened against the tree, ptting his nhad to his chin sa he thught deply. So, he thoght, "i must mke a knew name fr miself, tO represnt mai new identitty." He thought fro a gud twelv minutes on the matar, bevor reachig hIs conKLOOsion. "I wil call myslv Brain, becuz i dun't hve a verry cretive mind. Brian ws veriy pleased with himshelf and so desided 2 walk to Ponyvil. He new he was in eQUESTriah becues when he strod thru the wood, a giant wolv maed of wud appeerd, roarig its intemidating roar. "Oh noes!" Brian screemd. "A ti=umblrwolf! I mst fite it!" He razed his han=ends end shot a clod ov bats at du creetcher. The Tiumblrwolf fell to it's nees as d bats clawd end peckd at it's head. Brian prepeard to launch forward to delievr a finising blow, but suddnly a mantiCORE burrst unto thee seen. It clawwed at Brian, nd he wus forced too dodje. Brian lukked up to sea teh mantiCORE charge at him,so he brased hOimself nd lept ovr duh mindless beast. Brain turnd and kiked the mantiCORE frum behind, sendig the monster topplig two da flore. It trid to get up, but Brian sprang ento D air, beFOUR landing rougly onn the mantiCORE's hed.
Brian was proud uv himslf untill he turnded arund to see teh Tiumblrwolf chompig on de ded swarmm of bATS. "hOi! brAIn scremded. "Dose R mai children, and U wont hurt tem!" Wiv a burstve sped, Brian chargd forwards, takling the beast 3 the grund. He then delevered a rag-fueled beatdown dat left the Tiumblr Wolve as a mere ipile of splintred wood.
"Wow," Brain sed to hemslef. Dat was prety improssive. 2 bed threre ws noone around to see it." He aprehpensively approached teh pile of ded bats, befor fallig to his nees. "Why!!! DeY WEre so young TOOooooOOOOOO!!!!#@!!!" he screemed. Den he flopped over and sobbbeded.
He gut ovr it qwik.
Brain choses a direktion end waked. He walkd and walkd for what seamed liek (nd probly was) ours. Finaly, he cud see sunlite peeking thru the thik bushes. Brian quivkly rushed out of th forresst ane was gretted by quit the surpris.alL AROUNd him was beaty and colour, squrururrils scitterin her and there, brds tweeting thru the aiR WiV 250 CHARActers or less, nd generally a pleasnt site to bee hold. Everyfin was adorabubble, but not es adorabubble sa teh human. En the midst ov the grotto ws a tiny cottag, Brian walkd upand nocked on the cottag door. *Nock Nock Nock!* the Sound echoed thru the whole plaCE, stalrtting sme ov de jumpier cruttres. Thdoor opned und Brian;s fcae agen turnd two Shocks as he ws greeeted wiv a smlilng pONLY. shE hed a pniK mane ade ws starrig plesantly at de cpstumed human.
"Oh noes!" Brain screemed. "I didnt went to believ it, bt... I reely em in EQUEStria! Guddammit, wrold!' He shuck his fist at duh ski and crused evy singl religious frigure ne could remenber. "Um," fluTREEshi siad, "R U dnone yet>?"
'Yes," Brian asNwERD,
"Yaya!" Fluttreeshy sed like she did thet one tiem en Sannic RainBoom. "Mai name is Fluttreshai. Whatreyou?"
"My nmae is Brian," Brian swed.
"Know, wut R yOu? Fltrutershy clarifid.
"Wut? RAciST!!! BRain exploded, screeming wiv angre. "Yur racist ed I hat you! Imma blowup yur HOME.
"No pleassir, dunt do that!" Fluttreerereshy pleeded, her I tearig up a litlte.
"OK," Brian sed. "Gey! Wil u Entroduse me too d restuv du main Srix? brAIN Askde.
"Shure," Fltgrubbasdflghoaugbershy sed, steppig outsid. "Cumwiv me."
Brin flolowwed FLattershmee to the town va Ponyville. All d ponis screemd liek children und ran arund until they hit echothre and fell ovre. Brian wassabout to explen hisself when Rainbow Dash streeked thru thd sky nd slammde into him. He didn't even fliche, bt he picked hisself up end thruy a battarag at Rinbow. She doged and landred in d stret. 'Je's! eviL! Raidbob explened. "He scrares evryoen and lookx dif. RFum dressed of us. Gtet thelements, Twilite!"
Befor Brian culd defend himslev, Celestia und Luna appeerd. "Rainblow's rite," tehy sed. "Hes a monster. My faithful strdednt, use the Rainbow fo FIENDSHIP now!!!" Brine was pOWOWerless as the Mane Six chrarged up the elements end frired. A hole sFEARe of color enveloppd Brian es he ws seeled away for a hundred yrears...
NOT!!!#%^T!^&R@!!!!!
Yez, whren thre color faded, Brain wuz NOT SEELED! Insted, very thin arund himhad bean turned to stone. Thre ponies stud liek statues, frozren for the rstuv tiem. HEHAHAhaahA~!! Brian chuckled. Iem not deffeeted. Ill never be deffeeted. Ima invisncible!" He laffed like dat 2 HISSElf fre awhil befur her lookd arund himslef et da petrifiyed. Landscape.
"Well. This is boring.""
-----
"So, what do yous think?" a furry creature asked, addressing the pony sitting across from her. "I just made that story up. I calls it 'Adventure!' Yaya! Is it good?"
The pony didn't say anything- instead it just stared on in shock. Whether its expression was in fact its reaction to the creature's story, or rather a mere fossil of its face long ago, when a shockwave of color surged across the land, no one could say for sure. After all, statues aren't well known for their speaking ability.
The creature adjusted its fuzzy legs to the uncomfortable stone bench, then took a sip of its sandy coffee through a granite straw. It glanced at the poker-faced pony sitting across from it, waiting eagerly for a reaction. Predictably, it received none.
The creature's face slowly morphed from anticipation to disappointment. "Well. This is boring."
Chaptem Two
Author's Notes:
I mean it, though. I won't pay any of your therapy bills. If you skip the link below, they're all on you.
Equestria, present day... duh
“sOI Brain wuz liek Errmgurd eVERytins all roky know so cool! He hed hissfle a happai jont thru the town, skippig across the moshunless strets. He fund a poni frzen ni ston. jstu to b SHORE, he Wavded his hnd infrntve its fac, wtchig fR A reACTION. the pONai didN”t mve. Brian wuz all high nd joyflu, so hii laughd lIEK he’djut herd the funneest jok evrar. Den he skpipped of ta mess arund sme mor.
Hle dncd thru th roADS, prefroamig cmplecks, sofisticratDEAD dnance manO0Ovres he shudnt be ableh tado!! wiva singl strep, hris feet left da grond nd he soared throw d HEIR. Den, becuz he was BETTMAN nd BETTMAN wuz acshully BROIcE WYAde (OMGSPOILERSAREGH!!@!11!!!), hedida waltz wiv a sttue. He wz vrery clssy.
Brnai was strog (btt not too muscly! Muscles r… not cute), swoo he bruk nto Sgrar Cube CroRNEer nd 8 ABUNCHA delisious sweeeTS, dey wre VERY CRUnCHy, Ten, MANEtaiNINng hsi smil frigure, he wnet back out nd dnanced thru d strets liek a diSNAY PRoincess.
Drat nite, Brian wENT oot 2 Dinnrare et a fnancy restrereont, WITCH he cud nevrar hv affordDED if evraythin wz pretrified. Unfortranately, doowing so prsentred unintended consekwinses. MANELY,threre wsant anay food cOOKD. All d chevs wre lockd wivin stONE. Brine wnated 2 coook 4 hisslef, bt all d ingradients wre stoned aswlel! AlSO, teh coAL thet wud lite tge ovEnSs wuz turnd intro some ston dat was not cole. Brin’s stomac growled. “How cud i let dis heppen!??!% know imma strave 2 DEAD!!Q_Q!!’ Den he remembred dat hed eaten roks eRleeR, et Sucrose Coob cornerer. So he hed his drinner ov rocks. Becuz he ws batman, his teeths puLVrized d rOKz and he enJoIYD hois GRAVElLy meel.
Howevrar, haf way TRUE da meol, Brian reelizd sumtin thet maed hOim sPIT out all teh rok Byts inis Mouth. “Roks… not nutriSHUNal! contane mineralls… bUt Not conTane VITAMENS!!$^#(@&!11””” need less 2 sAI, bREYN wnet HUNGARY thet KNIGHT.
Now BrAIN wz hngrai nd b’ein’ uhngrai med him fEiL sad. HZ Stomach grolled laouwdly (becuz “e was HUngrey, )) nd sao he moapd around the petrifyed twown. He wz verry vrerry deppressd.
“NOO!!! so hungr!’ he sed 2 hisself. Loockin’ furword, he SAW a streat lamp, lit up in dis peachtreefied world. He swa a dARk sillouette n dEH cone uv liTE, nd fro a momnet, he wazz remnidREd uv hiz old grilfrend. D LOVEve his lif, frum brefor he wuz Brian. Iv he loookd kareflly, he could almoast SEER befor him. “mAI lOVe!” he cride, rushig forword. Bt no. Wen he got dere, he culd sea dat twas onLEE a stateue- D vrery saem stetue hed denced wiv befrore. Heoi trew haze hed 2 Duh sKI nd soliloquized.
“Oh, world, cruel King of Fate and Destiny
Does it so bring you joy, sate your desire
To see me brought forth, under false guises
With grief weighed heavy upon my frail back,
To offer to me this one glimpse of hope
And to just as soon snatch it from my gaze?
Why do you toy with me so, oh King?
Why do you wish such sorrow upon me?” brAINDed sed. Den it strarted raINnig nd he fell ovrer into an allie und cried hisSLEaf to slep.”
----
“So what do yous think of that one?” the fuzzy critter asked. “I calls it ‘Sad!’” The statue didn’t respond, a fact that, were the little monster asking the question in any way in her right mind, she should’ve expected. These statues only ever did two things- stay still and Temmie had forgotten the second thing. Evidently, Temmie was not in her right mind. Temmie was in her Tem mind, and that was right enough for her.
This particular statue had once stood in front of its house, poised over a small bed of flowers. Once, it had held a watering can and allowed fat droplets of moisture to rain upon the needy little plants. Now, however, it lay immobilized, its hoof clenching the handle of the can, it’s head swiveled in the direction of some source of interest from long ago. Several tear-shaped rocks lay in the rough stone next to a bed of marble daisies, on a lawn composed of flimsy granite grass.
None of these observations crossed Temmie’s mind. Instead, she decided, she was done with this area. Temmie moved on.
The air was more or less entirely still as Temmie strolled through the desolate streets of Ponyville, her little paws feeling the cold stone beneath. She stopped a moment to say hOi to the dog that was always off by the curb, its nose forever stuck within a pile of garbage. “That dog never says hOi back,” Temmie mused to herself. “He’s so rude.” She gave a small aristocratic scoff and then Temmie moved on.
She passed by a building of curious architectural design. Once, it had loomed above the cities of ponyville like a circus tent, and had been equally audacious in its color scheme. Now, though, it, was the same grayish white of aging marble, as was every landmark for as far as Temmie could see. Something about the building, though, brought out a great urge within Temmie. Its location, its aesthetic, its air of entrepreneurship. Temmie felt, along with a craving for cheap biscuits and a desire to lick the paint off some drywall, that it would be the perfect place to set up a shop.
Temmie moved on. This wasn’t the first time she’d seen the Carousel Boutique. This wasn’t the first time she’d been offended by the dog that never answered. This wasn’t even the first time she’d told the watering statue one of the stories that had crept into her mind. She walked into the Ponyville town square and it was the same as it had always been. The sides were clustered with ponies, their eyes fixed upon the sight in the center. Six young mares stood in a semi circle, adorned with the only items that seemed to have been spared from petrification- five bejeweled necklaces and an intricate golden tiara. Nearby, two other ponies stood, brief expressions of shock plastered on their faces. They were taller, much taller than the other statues, and possessed both the wings of pegasi and the horns of unicorns, and something about them gave off an air of incredible pretentiousness.
Temmie had seen this before. Temmie would see this again. And, slowly, Temmie began to feel the onset of a wave of boredom. Nothing in this world changed. Nothing in this world was different. And all of it was quite reminiscent of another world- a world beneath the surface, where weather didn’t exist and horoscopes were always the same.
“Hmm,” Tem pondered. “This… big probtem. Requires immediate resolution.”
At what slow pace her little legs could carry her, Temmie strode out of Ponyville. She approached the forest on the town’s edge, and then was past the threshold of bushes and amidst the tangled vines and creepers of the woods’ interior. Navigating her way amongst the branching paths, Temmie passed some stone squirrels, birds and foxes, some larger beasts, frozen where they stood, and about fifty humans who looked like they had fallen unconscious within the forest. “Ponyville has major pest problem,” Tem muttered. “They should do something about it.”
Finally, Temmie reached her destination. A clearing stood amongst the woods, a bridge crossed a chasm, and finally a castle, old and decrepit, stood tall even amongst the towering trees of the forest. With little trouble, Temmie made her way to the castle’s tallest tower, and from there, she looked forwards.
Yes. Forwards. And by squinting, her eyes clearing rocks and stars and color and lines of code from her view, Temmie saw not the stone wall that others would, but instead, a face. It was dark, and the face was illuminated by some artificial glow from an unseen light source. It wore thick glasses, and its head was covered in shaggy dark hair. In the background, some curtains and a lampshade could be made out, peeking into Temmie’s frame of view.
“Hey!” Temmie said. “Hey!”
Temmie felt something enter her mind, a single thought, as if left there by an invisible hand. She continued. “Would you make everything normal again?”
“Because this is boring! I wants something new to happen! Adventure, Sad, Drama, Romance! All that’s happened is Random Comedy!”
“Boring! So bored. Tem want new things to do!”
“Because. You get attention because I act cute and silly. I’ll have more opportunities to do that if the world isn’t a frozen wasteland.”
“Yaya!”
-----
Something was happening back in Ponyville.
It started in the center of town square, when six very important artifacts vibrated intensely. Their respective gems flashed like beacons, and the area around them was charged with a feeling of building energy, as if lightning were just about to strike. Then, quite suddenly, the Elements let loose a burst of color and light. A noise vibrated through the air, like the chime of a huge bell, as a wave of energy washed across the town, leaving everything in its wake far more vibrant than it had been before.
Drops of water fell once again from a watering can. A dog raised its head out of a pile of garbage. A building shuddered, as if sighing in relief that its color scheme had returned to normal.
And in the center of the town, a purple alicorn stretched out her limbs, as if waking from a century-long nap. She looked around herself, at her friends, who were doing much of the same, at the Princesses, whose faces bore expressions of surprise and perplextion, and at the citizens, who all seemed to be at a loss for words. Then, she spoke, words rolling off her tongue for the first time in forever.
“What… just happened?”
“hOi!” Twilight Sparkle turned her head towards the source of the voice, and her eyes filled with shock at the sight of a small, furry creature before her. “Glad to see yous finally awake!”
Chaptem Three
Author's Notes:
Wow. Seven days since I uploaded the last chapter? Weird... well, I was pretty busy. In any case, I think you know the drill. I still don't have the resources to pay for your therapy, so you may want to consider the link here.
“Equestria, present day, maybe.
Sew it turnd oUT Dat sleepig in un ally waznt da bEST iDEEEa. When Brine awok, ‘e wuz in reely bad pane. Da grund waz harde ston, ND hiz bACK hert wiv teh agny ov a thausand burNINg orphans. Brian clenCHED hiz tooth, shear forse uv wil all that wuz hOLDig HIM back frum brusting out in TEERS!
“Heh. No prblem,” Brian sed aLOUD. :I cen handl da fysical pain! Its mai hart dat’s week.” He glanced down, nd shadoughs frm HIS Hare covered hiz face liek it was an anime!
‘in anee caSE, that dusn’t chang. the issue at hAND, eye hAF 2 free dis world from it’s’s’s STONY PRIZ’N!!! if i dont fIN somthin 2 dew soon, ill go INSAIN! IN DE MEMBRAIN!!! WAAGH!!!
The camara zoomd in REEL CLOSe to capchure breyns face as he let hiz frustations Spew outtve him wiv a SIgnle Screem! He threw hiz fist in the aer and holwd lik a WOLV. then he sat bak downand began 2 pLAN.
]
sEW. Tthe reeson evrythins petrifyed iz becuz im a batass who stoppd the Elements of Harmo0ny. Sew maybe i can just beeya baTASS agen and reverseit! Brian thouht. “Genius! il’l go rite awai!” brIAN went rite awai.
The Elemnts wrer in th centrol sqare ov Ponyvil. Brian fond dem on th neks AND hed of a groop uv Poniys. “Hmm, brian thout. Well, gess its time to tri. Elemnts! Obay me!” he yelld. The elements didnt respound. “Elements! I commend you! Do ass i comaynd!!!! Brine comayndedd. Still, the Elments didn due as Brian told thm. “Elements, you’re so rood1 why wont yew jUST do as i sai?” Brin poutted. The Elements were hearlesss batstards, so uv corse they Dadnt respond.
This was 2 much. Brine’s I’s turnd READ as he directred alluv hiss powre on th Elemnts ina fit of RAgE. The eleMENTs wre ovrewhlmed by Brian’s fury, engluffd in a feild of Energy. Bt wen the durst had cleard- Brian was astonhissed 2 sea that the Elemnts wre unscratchd!
Dis wuz tOO MACH!! Brian wuz a pathetrick hum’n. he Hadn’t flailed threwout his adventur, but now hee’d faled to liev up to his batassness. “Mai emoshuns…” Brien muttered. “My hart… to week. Brian hed a heart attak nd died”
Den threr wuz a scene ware a buncha humnas showd up in tears nad hed a conversashun dat mockd Soap Oprah cliches. It wuz reveeled tht Brian wuz pregnant wiv Rose’s John’s baby who was aso John, and that Roze wuz pregnant but den note Pregnent, just reely fat. zen Brians brothrer appeerd nd they had a fight scene. Unfortanately, dere wasn’t a budgt for the fite sceen. Ooops!
Brin wok up. “Wow. he sed. That shure was a weeird drem I just had.’ he lOoked around nd saw dat everythin was no longrer petrified. ‘Kewl!” he cried, stiking out his hands wiv two fingers up, liek in animes. “I win again!”
-----
“That is newest installment in my Brian stories. Yaya! It’s a trilogy now!” Temmie beamed. ”Yeya! I call that one Drama! What do you think?” Temmie had never received an answer, and that trend seemed yet to change. No reply came from the dark dungeon cell, the wrought-iron bars or the filthy floor. The request simply reverbrated across the moldy stone walls. Not even the spiders took notice.
“Huh,” Temmie muttered. “Ya know, I really do want to get an answer soon. Criticism best thing for new writer!” The spiders smirked slightly, then moved on with their spinning. Temmie sighed. “This boring,” she muttered. “Prison cell too cramped and lifeless. Why is this even here? This is supposed to be the castle of rainbows and friendship or something.” She gave a deep sigh. There was no reaction, so she gave a deeper sigh, and a louder one. After waiting another few minutes and receiving no response, Temmie flopped over on her back. “Bored. So bored! So boring!” she complained. She glanced over at the spiders, watching as they went about their spidery deeds. One went around in a red outfit capturing tiny goblins. Another wielded a set of eight magic dice against an anthropomorphic dog with one eye. Yet another sold baked goods and played with a monstrous cupcake. Temmie supposed that they were kind of interesting.
“Wonder what ponies are up to.”
-----
“So,” Twilight began. “Has anypony figured out exactly what happened?”
There weren’t any immediate answers, though all around the table, ponies looked as if they were deep in thought. Celestia, who, not having a throne at this table, had pulled up a stool, spoke up. “I’ve sent word to Cadence and Shining Armor, as well as Griffonstone, Yakyakistan, and the Dragon tribes. They all seem to have suffered the same petrification that we did. I’m not sure how long it’s been since we could all move about freely. Perhaps the entire planet was petrified by the Elements.”
“We’ve seen the Elements banish and purify evil individuals, as well as petrify rogue spirits,” Luna muttered. “But to think they were host to the power to entomb the entire world in stone?” The Princess of the Night gave a thoroughly concerned look. “Such strength is almost unthinkable.”
“Yes,” Celestia said. Addressing the assembled ponies, she announced, “In light of these recent events, I want all of you to think again on your responsibility as bearers of the Elements of Harmony. It seems that not only are the Elements far more powerful than we could ever imagine, but that we can no longer use them indiscriminately, if their use can have that much of a consequence.”
“Looking at the target, I never could’ve imagined they’d cause the Elements to malfunction so critically,” Rarity said. “Why would that odd creature bring about such an effect?”
“Um- excuse me?” Fluttershy spoke up.
“Yes, go ahead Fluttershy,” Twilight said.
“Well- I’m not sure that using the Elements on Temmie was the right decision,” Fluttershy offered. “I mean, they weren’t doing anything wrong.”
“Nothing wrong? Fluttershy, you saw what that thing could do!” Rainbow cried. “It just… wasn’t natural!”
“Eh,” Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Nothing more than what I would do on an above-average day.”
“Yeah, but you’re Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow Dash said. “We’re used to it from you, but some weird dog-cat...thing that just does stuff like you is just really weird.
“Besides,” Applejack offered, “the Princesses said that they sensed some dark presence on them. Right?” She turned towards Celestia for confirmation.
“I felt… something,” Celestia said. “I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but it was foreign. Alien. And… unsettling. Whatever that being is, its existence in Equestria is unnatural.”
“B-but... was that really cause enough to use the Elements on her?” Fluttershy stammered. “I mean, maybe the Elements reacted the way they did because… Temmie isn’t some villain or monster, and we were just overreacting?”
“I don’t know how the Elements work, but that doesn’t sound quite right,” Twilight said. “Princess, do you think shooting Temmie was a bad decision?”
“Knowing the consequences? Of course!” Celestia replied instantly. “But… given the situation as it was before we shot her… I can understand the decision I made. It seemed business as usual to turn the Elements on what was probably an enemy.”
“I’m still suspicious, though,” Twilight said. “I mean, how did we end up freed from stone? It’s not like Temmie can use the Elements, and by her account she was the only one left unpetrified for however long we were out. So why were we freed?”
“Maybe the Elements just can’t hold all of the planet in stone for very long,” Applejack offered. “I mean, they could only hold Discord for a thousand years. Imagine freezing the whole world at once. Maybe they just couldn’t keep up?”
“Or perhaps Temmie had a more direct role,” Rarity hypothesized. “That strange creature does seem to have some tricks up her proverbial sleeve.”
“Yes, Temmie is indeed a most curious specimen,” Luna said. “Methinks she might be too dangerous to let roam free around Equestria.”
“Well then, it’s a good thing we’ve got her locked up down in the dungeons,” Rainbow grinned. “Why do we even have those again?”
“I dunno. Came with the castle, I guess,” Twilight replied. “Never thought I’d have to make use of them, though.”
“Yaya! Dungeons good fun!” The entirety of the table’s pony population froze, then slowly rotated their heads in the direction of the voice. Temmie stood at the foot of the table, previously unnoticed by everypony, with the same cheerful grin plastered on her face. “Course, watching spiders not always that fun.”
Twilight’s eye gave a moderate twitch. “Temmie? What are you doing here?”
“Tem thought you were talking about Tem,” Temmie grinned. “Tem like talking about Tem. Tem thought she’d join in.”
“OK… But Temmie, how did you get out of your cell?”
“Tem took the air vents!” Temmie replied with glee.
Twilight’s eye gave an intense twitch, before she turned to the rest of the group. “I don’t think we have air vents,” she muttered.
“Maybe they came with the castle?” Pinkie offered.
“Hey! Yous talking about Tem?” Tem shouted.
“Uh- no!” Twilight quickly replied. “Not at all, no.”
“OK. Temmie bored now. Going exploring!”
“Temmie, wait!” Twilight called. It was too late though, and Twilight watched as Temmie strode towards the front door and slid under the thin crack, exiting the room.
For a while, the table was left silent. Naturally, Rainbow was the first to recover. “How did she do that?” Rainbow cried. “She just… slid under the door like a piece of paper?”
“Yeah. The only pony with greater disrespect for the laws of spacial integrity is me,” Pinkie said. Suddenly, her eyes lit up with excitement. “Ooh! Ooh! Finally, somepony who understands my meta-humor! I’ve got to go make friends with Temmie right away!” Pinkie Pie leapt up from her throne, before launching herself out the window and leaving the scene.
Twilight gave a sigh. “I guess that’s another window I need replaced.”
“Yeah, but I usually nail the landing,” Rainbow smirked.
“Pinkie Pie might have the right idea, though,” Celestia said, rising from her stool. “I don’t think I can stay for this meeting much longer either. There’s a mountain’s-worth of paperwork left back in Canterlot that I need finished as soon as possible.” Her sister followed suit.
“But- Princess!” Twilight cried. “We can’t use the Elements, and we can’t keep Temmie locked up. What are we going to do with her?”
“Let her be free then,” Celestia answered. “If you can’t contain her, monitor her closely, and report any strange occurrences to me.”
“All do respect, Princess, but that’d be like sending you a letter every time Pinkie says something nonsensical,” Applejack said.
“Then report only the strangest occurrences,” Celestia said. “Perhaps Temmie’s... alien nature need not mean she must be imprisoned. Befriending her is a much favorable alternative. This, my student, is your task. Now, really, I must be going.” As soon as the Princess finished her words, she disappeared in a flash of golden light, followed closely by her sister. Twilight and her friends were left alone in the castle.
“Alright then,” Twilight said to herself, breathing deeply. “Befriend Temmie. No problem. No issue whatsoever. Uh…” She turned to her friends. “Question one. Where is Temmie going to stay?”
“Hey everypony!” a voice called. The door creaked open, and Pinkie Pie stuck her head inside. “You’ve got to come see this!”
-----
“No,” Rarity said, squarely putting her hoof down.
“Come on, Rarity. It’s not that bad.”
“No.”
“Just put up with it for awhile?”
“No.”
“It’s actually pretty impressive that she set all this up so fast.”
“I don’t care how impressive it is. I want it out of my boutique.”
“Yaya!” Temmie squeed, gesturing to a slapdash sign nailed above the door to Carousel Boutique. “Tem Shop- open for business!”
Chaptem Four
Author's Notes:
I... don't really have a good excuse for why this took so long. I was busy, I guess. And lazy. I had a ton of other writing projects to work on and still do. I've got the rest of the story planned out, so with luck it won't take another month for Chaptem 5.
In any case, here's your Get Out Of Psychology Free Card:
OK, I’m not even gonna tell you the setting. You can probably figure it out.
Brian joyusly DaSHEd thru th ponIVIlle streeTZ, enjoyning th knew, livlier atMOSTphere. “Yaya! he sed I lov dis tOWN. its sowasome! Brine hed, of cors, forgotend teh tim dat PONIes hed trid 2 KEILL him, bt da ponis hedn’t forgotend.
“Twilit!” Rainbob Das cryed. ‘Nowsare chanse! Qwik, wile he’s buzy beig happi nd free!”
‘no,’ Fltgrubbasdflghoaugbershy objectred. “im Fltgrubbasdflghoaugbershy, and I’m th nice 1. I sai we let him B frei.’
‘no,’ Rainborg replid. “im Rainborg, and I’m th aggresve 1. I sai we kill th jerck.”
‘Wel,” Proincess Selestia intreruppted, “im Proincess Selestia, and I’m th nice 1 2, when I’m not th TYrunt. I sai that hes just 2 awSOME fur us 2 KEILL, so we shud let him go.
“im Twilit,and I’m th blind followre, so I agrey!” Twilit agreyed.
“I’m Pinkie Pie, and this joke has really run its course,” Pinkie Pie said.
Brine stoppd prancing arund lIEK thet weird homless guy in yur NEIGHborhood nd wALKd up2 th Princess. “So Princess, whatdo we dew nOWW?’ he askd.
“I know! Let’s throw a party!” Pinkie Pie said. Within seconds, a party was being thrown.
Celesti lowred th sun, whil Luna maed th m00n flash lik a D1SCO BAll. ponys Evrywhere dancd relly weirdly, becuz they were quadrupeds. all th MANE sicks wre flirtd with bye dozens uv OCs. Vinyl nd Octavia playd thet dubstep-chellow mix frm Episod 100, bt it wuz knd of less impresiv wivout all th flashy visuels. 1 Eldrlee poni shoutd at evry1 to turn the DARND musick down. it wuz a big ruckuss.
Brien wuz th star ov th parti, ov corse. Tho previusly, all th ponies hed been afrad uv him, he wuz so niece and likable that now evryponi wuz his friend. For now, he wuz partyig hard liek hed bee young forevvrer and teh parteh wood never stahp nd al thatstuf hed learned frum pop music. hE dansed wiv his new frends thru th streets wiv a joy that hed onli felt previusly when hed been dansing and everYONe else wuz in stoNE. Wen brain realizd this he felt bAD fora moMENt. “Wow,’ he sed. Imma terribl person.”
“Hery Brian!” hiz frends calld. “Com dANTS sum mor.
;I cant,; brin replied. ;i need to tak a momen 2 rethink mai LYfE.; Brin took a momn to rethink hiss LYfE. he navrigated thru th bussling crowds to th snak bar, whre he had a big cupof punch. aS he conTEMplaitd hiz terriblNES, he happned to glanse out in2 th mob uf dancrers. a singl figur cought his I, and he lettout a smal gasp et th site uv her. sHE wuz th most beautifal thin hed ever seen. hre face wuz shapd prefektly, nd beset wiv two eyes liek sparklin gemstons. Sh movd with th grasefull eese of the evenin’ brEEZE, an her main shimmred in th lite like a suPERNOva.
Brian cudn’t controll hisself- be4 he knewit, he wuz aproachig hERR. ‘Excoze mai?” Brian sad, extendin hiz arm to her like a true gentlymen. “MayI HaVe this Danse?
“oH! But sIR Brian, theyrnt playin’ a slo sogn,” hiz lov said.
JUst thn a slo sogn caym on, and bRIan sweld wiv enthusiASM. thus was SEW stupidly conveenient thet it MUST b destiney!! ‘Princes lUNa, he sed, his voice smoth liek sILk. “Mai i ‘ave tHIS dance?”
Luna lookd hezitENT, thn blushde nd took teh hUMANs hend. Hiz knew poni frends gave whoops nd chears fur him as he took lOOna’s hoof nd thy dansed. THy dansed liek profeshunals, fr they wre guided bai a new fealing, 1 bl00mig from dEEp insidE thier harts. thEy dansed like peeple whod jUSt found theselves for th frist t1mE, and brIAN decidded thet he wuzn’t a terible peRSOn aftrer al, for hed nevre trully been happi unTILL Now…
-----
“What you’s think?” Temmie cheered. “I calls it, ‘Romance.’ It may be my defining work. Yaya! Feedback?”
Sweetie Belle stared at the little monster, her expression one of complete bewilderment. Scootaloo’s eye twitched, as if her body involuntarily wanted to close her eyes on this horrific world. Appleboom let out a small rasp, her mouth bent in grotesque shock.
“Whaaaa…?”
“Sweetie Belle!” Rarity called from the kitchen, her voice rebounding through the purple hallways of Carousel Boutique. “Sweetie Belle, it’s lunch time!” Receiving no reply, the unicorn trotted into the living room. Her face morphed into a shocked expression at the sight of Sweetie Belle staring dumbly at her unwelcome guest, and the other two-thirds of the Cutie Mark Crusaders similarly incapacitated.
“What’s- you little monster, what’ve you done to them?” Rarity hissed, glaring at Temmie.
“Little monster? Temmie thought Rarity liked Tem,” Temmie moped, giving Rarity heartbroken, tear-laden eyes.
“No, I tolerated you,” Rarity corrected, “and that was before you inserted yourself into my house and repossessed my study for your inane business venture!”
“Study was mess. Tem make better use of it.”
“It wasn’t a mess, you babbling cretin, it was organized chaos!” Rarity shrieked. As her cry echoed through the living room, she caught herself, and clapped a hoof over her mouth. “Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry,” she coughed. “I let my emotions get the better of me for a moment there. I suppose if you’re going to become a regular feature around here, I ought to at least attempt a cordial relationship.”
“Tem doesn’t mind,” Temmie bubbled. “Tem only needed to hear out of one ear anyways.”
“...OK,” Rarity mumbled. Turning to Sweetie Belle and the others, she asked, “But what has you lot so perplexed?”
“N-nothing, Rarity,” Sweetie Belle responded. “Just… I need to rethink some stuff.”
“Me too,” Applebloom added.
“Err- maybe it’d be best if we talked about it together?” Scootaloo offered.
“Well, why not talk about it over lunch,” Rarity offered, nudging the foals in the direction of the kitchen. The Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted off awkwardly, looking as if they’d just learned an embarrassing secret. Rarity gave a small groan, then turned to Temmie. “Would, uh, you like anything Temmie?”
“No. Temmie have no need of disgusting pony food,” Temmie replied. She reached her paw up into her shock of hair, fumbled around for a little, before extracting a black box of cereal. “Temmie only want the Temmie Flakes!”
“...OK. Alright then,” Rarity sighed. “I’ll just, uh, leave you to that then.” Rarity turned to leave, but froze when she caught sight of the time, or more specifically, the gaudy clock she had nailed to the wall. “Oh my word,” she cried. “It’s nearly noon already? I thought I had half an hour left!” She made to dash out of the living room, but stopped herself. She gave Temmie a glance. “You might want to get your… shop ready,” she croaked. “Any potential customers will be arriving soon.” She sprinted off without another word, leaving Temmie alone in the living room.
Somewhere far above the Carousel Boutique, above Ponyville and Equestria and the planet itself, a light shone, one of many. Its energy, enough to burn for billions of years, radiated outwards like petals on a flower, striking rocks, dust, and anything else that fell within their path.
Miles above a forest that was as dense as jungle, air warmed. Molecules vibrated and vibrated more, and oxygen and nitrogen and carbon dioxide followed the laws of thermodynamics. Cooler, sluggish air made to take the rising sky’s place, and so a gust of wind blew through the atmosphere. A cloud, drops of water gathered around infinitesimal specks of dust, was sent adrift, flowing softly through the atmosphere. While the paths of some photons were newly obstructed, others were cleared.
It was so that a ray of sunlight fell across Ponyville. It crossed terameters of vacuum, pierced the ozone layer, was scattered across the sky. It warmed the sleepy town, peered through branches and leaves, and, finally, passed through a window pane. A bright spot crawled across the soft carpet. A bright spot crawled across Temmie.
Temmie raised her head. She could smell the jetstream whistling like a jackhammer, taste the sunlight refracting across glass, feel the atmosphere swelling and shifting like a breath, and most importantly, she could hear the trotting hooves echoing through the bright streets and across the surrounding fields. These were the sounds of customers, the cries of consumers, the chatter of filled wallets.
And they filled her with determination.
-----
The ringing of a bell sounded throughout the boutique as Time Turner trotted inside. Already, a few others meandered through the shop, browsing Rarity’s selections, making small talk amongst themselves. Lyra and Bon Bon, inseparable as always, perused a rack of frilly dresses. Octavia appeared to be haggling with Rarity over the price of an accessory.
Time Turner glanced across the showfloor. Something was off. It may have been his attuned senses picking up a difference in the normal airflow, or his incredibly refined taste detecting a disturbance in the shop’s feng shui, but something was definitely abnormal here. It took him but a few seconds to figure it out.
“Octavia is an exceptional negotiator.” Time Turner could hear Rarity’s muttering as he approached. “Either that, or I’m just being too easy on her.” Rarity straightened herself when she noticed Time Turner approaching, patting down a loose strand of hair.
“Time Turner. What a delightful surprise,” Rarity greeted. “It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you last.”
“Indeed,” the Earth Pony replied. “Quite a bit, perhaps.” Time Turner pointed a hoof in the direction of an open door. “What’s back there?”
“Erm- excuse me?”
“That door wasn’t open last time I was here,” Time Turner explained. “So why is it now?”
“Oh,” Rarity sighed. “Come here. I’ll show you.”
Time Turner’s eyes widened as he entered the room. “My word,” he muttered with shock, glancing around.
“I know,” Rarity groaned. “It completely clashes with the rest of the place.”
“hOI!” Temmie cried, a wide grin spread across her face. “welcom to… da TEM SHOP!!”
Quite apart from the refined (if not overly stylized) aesthetic of the rest of Carousel Boutique, the Tem Shop was a business on a budget. The whole place was put together like a weathered shed, the walls covered in craggy wooden boards. Boxes were piled here and there haphazardly, and a beat-up trash can stood in a corner. A few weird items sat on a flimsy shelf: a photograph of a white dog, a stick and a bone, a purple potion that emanated a slight glow. And finally, behind an upturned cardboard box, Temmie looked towards Time Turner with a big smile.
“Well, erm,” the Earth Pony stuttered. “This is certainly a… thing. Despite all logical evidence to the contrary, it seems that this is a thing that exists.”
“Come in, come in,” Temmie urged. “Tem stock only the finest merchandise.”
Time Turner glanced to the left and the right, before cautiously approaching Temmie. “My good madam, if you will excuse my rather upfrontness… where’s the shop?”
“Huh?” Tem asked. “What mean? Tem Shop right here.” She gestured to her cardboard counter, on which was sloppily painted the words “Tem Shop!”
“Well that’s all fine and good, ma’am, but… well, you see, you seem to lack the rest of the shop.” Time Turner explained. “No shelves, no racks, no aisles, no displays. I’m afraid I can’t quite do any shopping if I’m not sure what I can buy.”
“No! Temmie have goods!” Temmie cried. “Temmie goods… good!” She gestured frantically to a sign on the counter that for some reason Time Turner had failed to notice.
tem flake- 3G
tem flake (ON SALE)- 1G
tem flake(expensiv)- 20G
tem pay 4 colleg- 1000G
Time Turner gave a very Twilight-esque twitch before he shook his head, as if to clear some rather bewildered thoughts. “Alright,” he said. “I don’t think shops have had menus since prehistoric times, but alright. Um… you do know that this menu is misspelled, right?”
For once it was the small entrepreneur who gave a puzzled look and bent down to re-check the sign. “...Temmie not understand what Time pony complaining about. Tem sure that Tem have firm glance of Temglish language.”
“Tem… alright, Turner, question it too much and you’ll scream,” Time Turner muttered to himself. He gave the menu another glance and raised an eyebrow. “OK, then. On that note, you only have one product listed here.”
“Whaa? Tem not stand for such accusations. Tem have varied merchandise! Tem Shop is general store!”
“How can you be a general store?” Time Turner gaped. “You only sell Tem Flakes, whatever those are.”
“Tem Flakes are food of Tem,” Temmie explained. “Restore 2HP. Very helpful.”
“2HP? What does that even mean?” Time Turner cried. “You’re talking about acronyms and restoration and Tems and all any customer will care about is... how the food (huff) is going to (huff, huff) taste!” Time Turner slowed himself, putting a hoof to his beating chest as he tried to catch his breath. He was really letting this little monster have it, he thought. It wasn’t anything major, just some brain-dead little thing, so he shouldn’t have been so concerned. “Let’s start again, a bit more calmly,” he offered. “What about those things on the shelf? The potion, the bone. Could I buy those?”
“Nooo!!” Temmie cried. “Potion, bone… complete aesthetic!”
Time Turner’s head met the cardboard counter. “If I can’t buy it. Then why. Is it on. THE SHELF!?”
“Hey? What’s the hold up!” a voice cried from the store proper. Rarity, who’d at this point become somewhat sedated, drinking in the shoddy atmosphere and Time Turner’s arguments like an alcoholic drinks in a tipsy evening, suddenly gave a start and flew from the room.
“Oh, I’m so very sorry,” Rarity stammered as she returned, breathless, to the counter. “I was just a little distracted for a moment, but please, how can I be of assistance?”
A purple Earth Pony stood behind the counter, bearing an expression most commonly found on the faces of annoyed Manehattenites. “What was with that delay, Rarity?” Berry Punch barked, perhaps a little too loudly. “You’re usually so punctual about this type‘a thing. What’s back there that has you so distracted?”
“Oh, it’s nothing to be too concerned over,” Rarity said. “Just a little distraction in the back.”
“Huh? Hey, lemme see,” Berry Punch said, displaying her usual tactful manners as she swerved from the counter and barged into Tem Shop.
“Oh dear,” Rarity muttered following the Earth Pony hesitantly.
“Rarity? I can’t believe you’d let a place like this exist,” Berry Punch snickered. “It looks like something your little sister would build.”
“And this price tag!” Time Turner cried. “What does G stand for?”
“Gold,” Temmie said. “Temmie thinks it’s pretty self-explanatory.”
“Gold? Do you mean bits?” the inventor fretted. “Don’t you have any notion of the concept of relatability? If you don’t use colloquial terms and make yourself understandable, you’ll come off as too foreign and inconceivable to appeal to any customers.”
“Ah, calm down, Turny,” Berry Punch chided, nudging the Earth Pony playfully. “I mean look. This one’s on sale for one bit. What’s the harm in giving it a try?”
“What’s the harm?” the critical pony sputtered. “Berry, what if these Tem Flakes are toxic! We don’t know anything about them except that they apparently heal ‘2HP.’ Have they been approved by the Equestrian Health Department? Are they nutritional? Are they even worth a bit?”
“Well, I’ll give it a try anyways,” Berry Punch smirked, sliding a bit across the cardboard to Temmie. “One box of Temmie Flakes, please.”
As Temmie took the bit, something around her seemed to change. The lights were yellower, shinier, and the air more uplifting. The flowers were smellier, the bird chirps more on-key. It may’ve been a choir singing, or just an angel with a real dynamic voice, and a feeling rang through her like the chime of a bell.
First sale…
With an acrobatic spin, Temmie leapt into the air, her look of pure, unfiltered joy. “Tem made… first sale!” she sung, holding the bit aloft over her head. “Oh thank yous, thank yous, thank yous!”
Berry Punch gave an uneasy smile at the little monster’s… enthusiastic response. “Uh, your welcome I guess,” she murmured. “So, uh, I guess I’ll just take those Tem-” Berry Punch happened to glance at her hoof, and her eyes widened when she spotted a logoed box in it, black, with a smiling image of Temmie’s face, held tight. “Huh. When did that get there?” Berry Punch muttered to herself.
“I’m not quite sure that was a wise decision, Berry Punch,” Time Turner warned. “I anticipate an oncoming of Buyer’s Remorse quite soon.”
“Oh, stop being so pessimistic, Turny,” Berry Punch teased, poking the inventor with her elbow. “What kind of petty meiser gets Buyer’s Remorse over spending one bit?” Time Turner just gave a small groan.
“Hey! What’s going on in here?” a voice called from the shop’s entrance. A minty unicorn (no, not Colgate) stood in the shabby doorway, accompanied by a cream-colored friend. “What’s this place?” Lyra asked, glancing around wide-eyed at the brand-new venue.
“In any case,” Time Turner interrupted, “What’s with this last part of the menu? ‘tem pay 4 colleg?’ Why is this here?”
“College! Tem pursue higher education!” Temmie squealed joyfully.
“You didn’t answer my question,” the Earth Pony said. “Why is it written here, with the merchandise?”
“Well… Tem need save money for college. Kind of wanted to be reminded.”
“So… you put it on the inventory?” Time Turner uttered. “You put your college plan… on the inventory?” he repeated. “YOU PUT YOUR COLLEGE PLAN… ON THE INVENTORY!?”
“OK. So maybe Brian is supposed to be a metaphor for parenthood,” Scootaloo suggested as the foals strolled in, dragging behind them a long sheet of paper filled with thesis and analyses, scribbled and crossed out. “And then meeting Luna is a coming of age thing.”
“But why would one character represent both coming of age and parenthood?” Sweetie Belle argued. “I think it makes more sense for Brian to be a satire of the typical tropes of an action hero.”
“Or maybe Temmie’s just a really bad writer,” Applebloom suggested.
“Urk!” Berry Punch’s hoof flew to her mouth, dropping the cardboard box they’d held before. “C-cardboard?”
Bon Bon tapped Lyra on the shoulder. “Um… maybe this isn’t the best time.”
“WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR COLLEGE PLAN ON THE INVENTORY!?”
“I wasn’t expecting much, but cardboard? Seriously!?”
“Maybe it’s political commentary. If the princess will just run off with any old human, then why is she fit to rule?”
“Yeah,” Lyra agreed, an uneasy look on her muzzle. “You might just be right.”
Temmie looked around her slipshod emporium. She glanced at Time Turner, almost frothing at the mouth at the sight of her inventory. She glanced at Berry Punch, attempting to perform the Heimlich maneuver on herself. She glanced at Rarity, just kind of slouched off in the corner, too confused to even attempt to comprehend what was going on. Then she glanced at her little counter, the upturned box, and for a moment wished that she could crawl under it and be somewhere else.
“Hi Temmie!”
The little monster in question shot up, eyes locked on the entrance, and the rather festive pony who stood there. “Pinkie!” Temmie cheered. “You came to grand opening!”
“Well, of course, silly,” Pinkie Pie said, trotting inside. Time Turner paused his ranting. Berry Punch gave a small choke and was silent. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were still, Sweetie Belle still holding a pencil in her telekinesis. Lyra and Bon Bon froze mid-exit, and all heads swiveled to follow the pink party pony. “I wouldn’t miss a day like this for all the sugar in Ponyville.”
“Tem made first sale!” Temmie informed her friend, chattering excitedly. “But Tem not sure customer found products satisfactory.”
“Aw, don’t worry about it,” Pinkie encouraged. “I’m sure it’s just an acquired taste. Here, I’ll take a box!”
“Yaya!” Temmie exclaimed, accepting a bit from Pinkie with joy. “Thanks purchase!”
“My dear Miss Pie, I really don’t recommend consuming that,” Time Turner called, motioning to the Earth Pony.
“Yeah, Pinkie. Those things are literally just spraypainted,” Berry Punch added.
“Aw, don’t be silly. They’re just so good you can’t taste it!” Pinkie assured. “Ooh, speaking of not tasting things, I have some stale pastries left over from last week!” the mare said, reaching into her mane and extracting a couple bulky paper bags.
“Woah!” Temmie gasped. “You gotta… stale bread! Hnnn…” Tem looked torn, her face curled in a befuddled expression as she glanced longingly at Pinkie’s bag. “I gotta have that stale bread. But I gotta pay for college. Hnnn… Tem always wanna stale bread. Tem give… 8G!”
“Sold,” Pinkie said, like always, with a smile. “Good luck on your grand opening,” the party pony chirped, accepting the money from Temmie before turning and skipping off, munching on her delicious box of Temmie Flakes.
The pony occupants of the room glanced at Temmie, then at Pinkie as she exited, then back at Temmie. “You know, now that I think about it, there’s some spare machinery and rusty parts I might want to sell,” Time Turner piped up.
“I’ve got an old harp that I never use anymore,” Lyra offered.
“No, wait. Me first!” Berry Punch hollered.
Tem gave a wide smile. The ponies were clamoring for her attention, barely organized in a rough, jumbly line. More were poking their heads in from the street, before dashing off to fetch their worn gloves or old ballet shoes, and within herself, Temmie felt her soul beating warmly. She could get used to this. “One custemer at a time, please!”
Chaptem Five
Author's Notes:
...
I'm sorry...
...
No, I'm just lazy.
With any luck, last couple chapters won't take several months. Though I don't think I'll have time to do them this week... I'll have them as soon as I can though.
Princess Celestia knew it couldn't last. For more than a thousand years she'd been sovereign to the kingdom/country/state/hodgepodge political body that was Equestria, and not once had she ever had more than a week of peace. Were it not for her eternal patience (sometimes being an alicorn was awesome), she'd likely have gone mad from the constant glut of ponies who'd somehow developed social issues in her utopian society. Of course, the last few years in particular had been somewhat of a step above the usual brand of disturbance, what with the return of several apocalyptic demons and ascension of a new quasigod, and, to be honest, she appreciated the refresher. A thousand years of peace and minor emotional episodes had done wonders for her ponies' contentment, but a year or two of mild chaos had done wonders for her personal enjoyment. Her old joints and creaking bones felt loads better after a few workouts staving off sentient ooze and magical storms. The conversion of an old enemy, return of her sister, and emergence and birth of some new immortals hadn't hurt either. The question always nibbled away at the back of her mind- to continue the slowly-escalating trend of disaster for the sake of mixing it up, or to take preemptive action and return to an era of quiet? These last few years had been some of the most exciting of her existence, surely the populace wouldn't mind a tad more... but no. Her ponies deserved a leader who wouldn't endanger them for the sake of her dull immortality. Celestia, being an entity with lifespans measured in millennia, had no real frame of reference, but she was pretty sure these were not what most of her subjects considered normal problems.
As such, it was with mixed feelings that she received a haggard noble dashing into her throne room, sputtering about some emergency or another. Knowing her court, he could've dropped a tailored suit in the mud and called for the Royal Guard, but perhaps if she was lucky, it'd be some magical creature with which she could crack her proverbial knuckles and go a few rounds. In any case, she complied with the marquis's demand for her presence.
Emerging from the South-Southeast balcony and into the warmth of the sun, Celestia was surprised to see a large and rather irate crowd of ponies assembled by the castle's gates. A riot. By the Tree, she hadn't dealt with one of those since... 389 CE, the Rainbowhibition. She reflexively let out a small sigh at the memory of that fiasco. Despite the rather creative if anatomically unlikely cries of the Rainbowhibition protestors, she'd thought it was a good idea. The execution, on the other hoof, had lost a good few ponies their jobs and mainly served to vitalize a widespread and dangerous industry of home-brewed Rainbows.
In any case, Celestia only spotted a few protest signs amongst the mob and they'd yet to descend into chanting and pitchforks, but they were still causing quite a commotion and a fair bit of rowdy noise. Best case scenario was to deal with this quickly and have the crowd disperse peacefully. The funnest scenario would, of course, involve a gorgon and several beakers of Peat Moss's Perturbing Potion, a dark part of her mind gleefully announced. She did what she usually tried to do and ignored it, instead opting for a quick display of power.
In a flash of lustrous gold light, Celestia teleported in front of the assembled ponies. Towering almost twice as tall as even the lankiest stallion, with her wings outstretched and her mane shimmering in the afternoon sunlight, she made for a radiant, imposing figure. She couldn't see herself to confirm it, but given how the ponies' cries of discrepancy quickly faded away, her sudden appearance seemed to have served its purpose.
"Ahem," she began. "My dearest subjects, while I support your right to lodge pertinent complaints with my government, to do so in such an uncouth and disruptive manner is not so encouraged. If somepony could give me a quick explanation of your shared grievance, I'll do my best to resolve the situation at once, provided that you disperse this boisterous gathering."
She gave a quiet smile as the assembly took a moment to itself before a well-groomed unicorn stepped forwards. "Your majesty," he bowed, addressing the Princess. "We came here today in order to formally request that the government show a bit more transparency, especially in regards to the recent economic crisis."
Economic crisis? Celestia almost asked aloud, before she caught herself and clamped her muzzle shut. No, she very much did not want to look ignorant of any issues here. Instead, she widened her smile a fraction before responding. "Rest assured, my ponies, the economics department takes all financial issues very seriously and is working tirelessly to return the situation to the status quo. If you feel that more communication between government and public would assuage your concerns, then I'll have a press-release prepared instantly. In the meantime, simply know that the Equestrian government will have the problem resolved as soon as possible, and I thank you for showing awareness of the greater situation of Equestria."
This seemed to appease the protestors, who were for the most part making to leave, or exchanging brief snippets of discussion. Contented, Celestia turned and began the stroll back to her castle, intent on repairing whatever damage had come to the economy. That is, as soon as she figured out what had gone wrong in the first place. The economics department had some explaining to do.
-----
"So you're telling me that for the past week, we've been experiencing an influx of perfect counterfeit bits in such quantities that it has already begun to effect inflation levels, and I'm only being notified now?" Celestia kept her voice stern as a number of deskworkers cowered before her, covering their eyes with their hooves, their desks swamped with a deluge of paper, frayed quills and empty jars of ink littering the floor. "May I ask why that is?"
It was a few moments of nervous trembling before the Princess received an answer. "Your highness, ma'am," one of the analysts, a pegasus, began. "It was a small problem at first, just a couple hundred thousand bits, and, well, the last time a problem like this emerged you were incredibly disappointed in us, so we thought, well, we can fix this quickly, it's just a little problem, only then it suddenly wasn't such a little problem, and you still hadn't been informed, and all I could think about was the disappointed face you'd make, and how it reminded me of how my mom wanted me to play hoofball but I couldn't make the college team and then I had to sit him down at dinner and explain it to her." The pony let out a small squeak as he caught sight of Celestia's expression. "Yes, er, ma'am, that's the one."
Definitely leave it for a few years. I'm not the only one who could use some real problems to worry about, the Princess of the Sun thought to herself as the pegasus withered under her maternal disapproval. "Very well, then," she groaned exasperatedly, feeling frustration well up within her. "Have you at least made some progress on fixing the issue?"
"Some, your majesty," another economist answered. "We've managed to track the flow of false bits to what we believe to be its origin point, somewhere in Ponyville. As for the bits already in circulation, well, we're doing out best."
"Ponyville," Celestia muttered to herself. Ponyville was Twilight's hometown. How could she allow such illicit activity to go on. Unless...
Celestia adopted a determined expression, a bizarre mixture of resolve and incredible annoyance. "I'll deal with the counterfeits," she announced. "In the meantime, I want you all to work on repairing our financial state and I want solutions. I'll be back soon."
"As you wish, Princess," a pony replied.
"And I'd like to remind you that this incident is going on all of your permanent records."
"Yes, Princess," the same pony sighed.
-----
It was a bad day to be Temmie.
"NOOOooooooos!" the little mammalian monster wailed as a government agent confiscated the assorted junk she'd bought over the week, boxing old gloves and worn ribbons and huge piles of cloudy glasses. "Not the clod glass! Tem always wanted the clod glass!"
"Temmie, you've broken the law," Princess Celestia warned as she stood next to the distressed creature. Throughout the dilapidated mess that was the Tem Shop, Equestrian government workers were repossessing the mounds and mounds of items Temmie had paid for over the last week in false bits. Apparently, business had been booming; already a line of carts stretched down the street outside Carousal Boutique, each filled with boxes of miscellaneous knickknacks. "Buying merchandise with counterfeit bits is illegal, no matter who the perpetrator is."
"Temmie already told you, gold wasn't counterfeit! Tem runs legitimate business. There no sign of embezzlement, forgery, or back-alley dealings in Tem Shop. Some Gold Laundering, but Tem wanted gold to be clean."
Celestia's left eye gave an involuntary twitch. By the Sun, I'll turn into Twilight if this keeps up, she thought, before turning to Temmie. "The fact of the matter, Temmie, is that the bits you were giving your customers were not produced by the national mint of Equestria. They might've been exactly like the ones in the national mint. They might've been the ones the mint was going to distribute next year, but they weren't bits that were put in circulation by the Equestrian mint and unless you can prove you acquired them legitimately, that makes them counterfeit."
"Princess demanding impossible," Temmie muttered darkly. "No pony understand Temmie. No pony see world how Temmie sees it. Not even Temmie understand how Temmie sees world. World works, so Temmie doesn't question it."
"I wouldn't say that your world works, when it results in a spike in inflation after only a week in business. Enthusiastic as you are, you've nothing productive to show for it. I support your entrepreneurial spirit, Temmie, but I can't allow you to singlehoofedly wreck the national economy."
"Pony princess... have no faith," Temmie moped. "No trust Temmie."
Celestia almost twitched again, but she wrenched back control of her face, maintaining her serene mask. She turned to see her agents scurrying to pack away all the belongings Temmie had bought over the past week. One stepped forwards to address her.
"We're just about done here, your highness," she said. "We'll be departing shortly so that all these items can be returned and the false bits collected."
"Well done," Celestia complemented. She was more than eager to leave the slapdash remnants of the Tem Shop- after weeks spent in her immaculate castle, this messy place was grating on her nerves. "Temmie," she called, the little monster returning a bitter look. "I'd like for you to continue living a happy life here in Equestria, but know that if this trend of disruptive incidents continues, there will be consequences." She turned and left the back room of the Carousal Boutique.
Consequences. As if I actually have any leverage on that little furball, Celestia's traitorous thoughts reminded her. Given that Temmie was immune to the Elements of Harmony and seemed to rebuff any efforts to imprison her conventionally, there wasn't much she could dish out in the way of discipline. She seemed to care about her shop, or at least the items she'd had confiscated; perhaps that was a potential handle. Celestia resolved to ask Rarity about it later; no doubt the fashion-minded unicorn would have a better understanding of Temmie's strange mind, given that she'd been living with her for a week.
In the meantime, she thought, I've got my work cut out for me. Returning all these items and retrieving the fake bits, sorting out the tangled knots the economy's tied itself in. I'm going to need some coffee.
-----
Temmie made a small, sad noise as the last pony left the Tem Shop, leaving her alone again. Her little cardboard countertop was stained and a shelf behind her was coming loose. A sign nailed into the wall behind her proclaimed that the Tem Shop would no longer buy used items, on order of the Crown. Just like that, a week of business tossed away, like a village buried beneath a tidal wave.
A little knock echoed through the small room. Temmie opened the door to find Rarity standing awkwardly in the doorway. "Hello, dear," the unicorn greeted her, fidgeting nervously. "Is this a bad time?"
"...Temmie not sure," the monster eventually replied. "Temmie not sure of much right now."
"I see," Rarity said, somewhat pointlessly. There was a pause, then, "I'm sorry this had to happen."
Temmie gave a little smile, but even she felt it was somewhat forced. "It fine. Tem... sore about lost progress. Doesn't like moving backwards."
"I can understand that," Rarity agreed, thinking of her own efforts in the world of business, when she was just starting off her fashion career.
There was another period of silence before Temmie again spoke up. "Tem Shop... not open today. Temmie taking vacation day. Glad job come with benefits." The furry creature moonwalked out of the room before Rarity could reply, hoped on the banister and slid up the stairs, up to her room.
"I... thought she didn't like moving backwards," Rarity murmured to herself, before she turned to get back to work.
Upstairs, Temmie tried to convince herself that she'd meant everything she'd said downstairs. It was the objective things that hurt, the destruction of good business progress and imposing of limitations, she told herself. On other days, she'd be able to shrug that off without issue, replacing regret with enthusiasm, but today... well, the government handicapping her business wasn't the first piece of bad news she'd gotten this morning.
A letter sat on Temmie's little writing desk, immaculate cursive on sturdy parchment, and it was very straightforwards in its response.
Miss Temmie,
We write to inform you that we have elected to decline to publish your anthology of short stories, titled tEH misAdvEnturs uF tea aDORBs huMAN naemd bRIAn by tEEMIE!?!! The main reasons for this decision are as follows: you lack any reasonable grasp of the Equish language, rendering your manuscript little more than a blunt collection of misspellings and grammatical belly-flops. Your characters are so one-dimensional and uninteresting that the mere mention of their names can make hyperactive foals drowsy. Your plotlines are more muddled than a procrastinating college student's dormitory and less grounded in reality than most clouds. If you wish for your work to be published, we recommend that you attempt to portray a more realistic narrative with characters whose motivations are clear and relatable, and to please take any form of Equish class you can.
Sincerely,
Prim Quill Publishing House
It was the letter that had left Temmie in such an emotionally tumultuous state, so dismissive in tone and unyielding in its message that she felt she'd sooner move a black hole than please the publisher. The sum total of all the work in her admittedly small recollection and it barely warranted a paragraph from the experts. She wasn't sure whether to be grateful they wrote that much or embarrassed that she'd been so confident they'd accept.
Enthusiastic as you are, you've nothing productive to show for it. The words played through her head like a wheel rolling down an endless hill. Since her arrival in Equestria, what had she done? What had she produced? She'd bought a bunch of stuff she'd always wanted only for it to be returned. She'd written some words and had them quickly rejected. She'd lived awhile in a world of stone she could only observe, but if the land were petrified again, would she notice a difference?
Her eyes fell again across her writing desk, but not on the abusive handwriting of the letter but the well-used quill that sat beside it, laid atop a stack of lined paper. Years ago, a tiny seed had fallen from a tall stalk, and wormed its way into the rich soil. For days it had bathed in moist water and fertile nutrients, until a hand of green had reached towards the sun and taken its first breath. Like a towering skyscraper it had raised itself upwards, till it had outreached even the ponies who had planted it in the first place. It had born seeds of its own, who'd embarked on their own personal adventures, traveling across valleys and hills to exchange hooves at markets farther away than its progenitor could even conceive. It had found itself in the body of birds, beautiful animals with long, princely feathers. Its very atoms and molecules had been made into art, arranged and rearranged until it was no longer a kernel but rather a well-used quill in the paws of another struggling artist.
Temmie could see them, the trails and destinations of the particle heaps around her, pieces of her world that each had worlds all their own. She knew where they began and where they ended and the stories they'd experienced in between and it was poetry and literature. What was an author if not a source of worlds in their own right, a weaver of thought and idea instead of mere matter. What was a quill but the instrument of the divine, a mortal device with an immortal legacy. The stories of mass and mind were the same, and she was both a brilliant inventor and a cog in the machine, and, by God, it filled her with Determination.
-----
"Noe!' was SOLestia's answer 2 BriAn's ernest request. "Y would i evrar let someting liek U marry my precshus sister!?''
But princess, sHE LoveS meh!" brian cride, very tron up aboot Celesta's rejection. Hed conTACTed teh ruler of EqueSTRIa and tride to get hur blessnig in his imMMINent marrage wiv prinCESS LUXna. Saddley, tho, it seemd that the ALcorn didn't aprove of there loving onion.
"Mai sistre is only 3402 years old! Shees far too young 2 mary," Selestia sed.
"Butt Celestia, R U Sure?' Luna askd.
Yes, my sister, cELEstia said, 'U R 2 precshus and innocent to B marreed."
'Wut about thet 1 time she tried to conQEr Equestria thouh? Brain sad. "cAN she reely be calld innocent?
tEH 2 sisters gasped in sock and hororr. "Brian, how dar U?" celESTia harumphed. 'Remindnig swet lova8le woona uf her unhapy tiems. So rude!
'ive decided,' Luna annOUNCEd. "I dont liek you anymor, brIAn. Leaf my site atonce!
Brine waz heartbroknen at this sudan betrayall. h'ED lovd lUNa aNd now shed abadonned him. aLL these daark, btoodiNG fellings bubbeld inSIDe him. hE FElt his happness drane away, rePLACed bai cold, chURnnig HAte. thE WOrld wuz no longer a happi plase, nd the brite sun disgustred him with it;s dumm cherryness. he HAted it ALL!!?!!!!?!
i cAN't B brIAn any more, brIAN thought. briAN was a week fool. he TOOk no 4 an anser. hE leT those sily ponIES controll his lyfe. no More!
bRian went nd died his hare bLACk. thAt it wus allredy black did;nt matter. hEE went on an epic QWEst to find th legnedary TRIPLe EDGEd SWORd, nd pulld it from the corps of a deceased eldRICH monstrosity. hE paINTed his batmAn costume which hed almost forGOTTEn he wus wareing completley bLACk, liek teh deepst night. The nIGht could nevre be as deep, howevrar, as his SAD FEELINGS.
"EYE wiLL Destroy equesSTRia!" he said. "I woll slay Celestia + t8ke lUNA as mai bride in MisEry. I must have a new Name... yes.............. I... will call.. myself.............. DARK BRIAN!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHHHAHAAHAHAHAHREHUuigbUIDOHFGUIROHSOEIO:LEGIURSB
-----
Temmie was running out of ink.
More emotions! Drama! Tension! her thoughts screamed. Create a world. Clear plots and interesting characters. Suck the reader in. Her paw ached as the quill zipped across the page, frantically scribbling words as soon as they entered her mind. This will be... crowning work! Dark!
The final well was drying up, just a small spot of ink still wet at the bottom. Pages were strewn about her, covered in scrawl, words written on both sides. Temmie remained determined.
Call my characters one-dimensional? I'll show you how many dimensions they can-
Something snapped. A noise like shattering ice echoed through Ponyville, resonating in a way that bordered on physical impossibility. A scream somehow pierced through the shrill screech, and Temmie rushed to the window.
He was dressed in a cloak of deep night, two pointed ears sticking up from his dark cowl. His hair was at least twice as black as it should be, and he carried a long, oversized sword that somehow had three edges. His vision panned across the Ponyville Town Square, taking in everything in view, surveying his new surroundings. He grinned, and let out a laugh that was for some reason both cruel, maniacal, and humorless.
"REHUuigbUIDOHFGUIROHSOEIO:LEGIURSBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahaha! Prepare yourself, Equestria! Dark Brian... gonna KILL! Gonna KILL YOU ALL!!!"