Merry Christmas, Omnius!

A Travels’ Christmas Special

What can I say? It’s Christmas, and I got bit by the Holiday Muse! So here you go. A couple of short little Christmas moments to enjoy, with Omnius and the Gang. Nothing too serious, but just a couple fun little snippets.

                                        -Happy Holidays,

                                                Nathan Traveler

“Are you certain that this is a good idea?” Cheerilee asked me for what must have been the millionth time. “I’m sure that the children would be alright i-”

I interrupted her with a jolly laugh, happily tightening the heavy black belt around my red coat. A little awkward to do with just my hooves, but I managed to pull it off without too much hassle. “Miss Cheerilee, I do believe that you’re worrying too much,” I told her. “Just make sure that the kids are ready!”

She hesitantly nodded, while her eyes flicked over to the large red sack slung over my shoulders. “And how do you plan on fitting that through the door?”

“Did you put up that chimney prop I asked for?”

“Yes, but I don’t see how-”

I gave her a small wink, and tapped the side of my nose with my hoof. “Just have a little faith, ma’am,” I whispered, already trotting away into the snow.

Cheerilee shook her head, and sighed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright class, gather around!” the teacher said to the rest of her class, gesturing for them to sit around the “fireplace” at the back of the room. Smiling at the assembled colts and fillies, she positioned herself at the center of them, a small book placed in front of her.

“Now class, this is our last day together before Hearth’s Warming break, an-”

She was briefly overcome by the sudden chorus of cheerful shouts and yells at this statement. Scootaloo even tossed in a high-pitched cry of, “FREEEEEDOOOM!”

“Settle down, now,” she laughed, unsurprised by this point. “Anyways, I just wanted to share a story with you that I think all of you would enjoy.”

“A story?” Diamond Tiara groaned. “Booorrring.”

Cheerilee ignored the spoiled filly’s complaints, her will already virtually immune to her whining. “Yes, a story. This one was made by somepony who lives right here in Ponyville, and I think it’s an excellent Hearth’s Warming story. Perfect for the season! And it even has Santa Hooves in it!”

That got everypony’s attention. If there was one thing that everypony loved about Hearth’s Warming, it had to be Santa Hooves, the pony who delivered toys to every good little child in Equestria.

“What is it?” Sweetie Belle asked.

In answer, the teacher held the book out, and read the title out loud to the class. “The Night Before Hearth’s Warming.”

“That doesn’t even SOUND like a good book! Ugh,” Tiara once more complained, even louder than before. Surprisingly, Silver Spoon whirled around on her friend, and shushed her just as loudly.

'Twas the night before Hearth’s Warming, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there...”

Cheerilee’s years of telling stories to her class truly showed that night. Every single child listened to the story with wide-eyed attention, clinging to every word. One might have said that even they had visions of sugarplums dancing through their heads. Even Diamond Tiara began to reluctantly enjoy the story.

By the time Cheerilee had read, “As I drew in my head, and was turning around...” the children were startled out of their trances by the sound of heavy objects falling onto the roof of the school, echoing through their silence.

Excitedly, Apple Bloom shouted, “It’s him! It’s gotta be him! Santa’s here!”

“Pfft, of course a blank flank would believe that somepony like him exists,” Diamond Tiara scoffed. “It’s probably just some snow, or something.”

“What, ya don’t think that he’s real?” Apple Bloom challenged.

“It’s just...unrealistic! How could one pony make it all over Equestria in just a single night?” she countered. “My Daddy says he doesn’t exist, so it has to be true! Isn’t that right, Miss Cheerilee?”

Cheerilee smiled a bit at that. “Well, I don’t know...maybe we just have to have a little faith?”

As if that were the cue, the chimney started to shake from side to side. Small bits of dust were flung into the air, as a large red figure crashed into the room, tumbling out of the chimney.

All of the children stared in awe at the sight...the entire room was silent, as the figure looked each and every single one of them over. He was an earth pony, with a large, curly white beard, and garbed in a heavy outfit of red and white. He wore black boots over his hooves, and a dark red sack was casually slung over his back.

Finally, he let out a large smile, and laughed, “Ho, Ho, Ho! Hello little ones!”

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropping to the floor could be heard for miles around.

Santa Hooves laughed once again, and eased himself into the chair by the fireplace. “Sorry I’m late, Miss Cheerilee,” he said to the teacher in a jolly tone. “I got caught in a bit of a tailwind on the way here.” When she shook her head playfully at him, he addressed the class. “Now, I was told that there were some good little fillies in here...like...”

He paused, and looked over the entire class again, his eyes twinkling behind his wireframe glasses. When nopony made a move, he idly tapped his head as if he was thinking.

“Like...you, little Pipsqueak!”

The foal in question gasped in shock, looking around to see if he was talking about another Pippen Squeakenstock Esquire. When no mysterious clone appeared, he had to finally admit that Santa was still looking at him.

“Come here, little one,” Santa kindly said to him. “Sit on Santa’s lap, and tell him what you want for Hearth’s Warming.”

Slowly, as if he were approaching Celestia herself (Not Luna - He’d dash to her and instantly proclaim his adoration for her), Pipsqueak crawled onto the saint’s lap, and shyly stared at his own hooves for a few moments. He couldn’t muster up the courage to even vocalize his many thoughts.

Santa smiled at him softly, and said, “It’s alright. I think I already know what you want...” He reached into his sack and rummaged around in it for but a moment, before coming back up with a brightly wrapped package. He gave it to Pip with another smile, saying, “Happy Hearth’s Warming, Pip.”

Pip’s eyes widened as he excitedly tore open the wrapping to reveal a beautifully carved wooden cutlass. Everything about it had been given the utmost attention to detail, and even the nicks on the sword part of it looked like a part of its design.

Only one word could sum up the beauty of this toy.

“Wow...” Pip looked up at the smiling Santa, adoration in his eyes. “Thanks, Santa!”

“Happy Hearth’s Warming, Pip. Now go on, I’m sure you want to give that sword a try! Just make sure you don’t hurt anypony. Even a pirate has to be good sometimes, doesn’t he?” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

Pip nodded, his eyes widening in surprise at the fact that he knew that much about him. Even the other ponies were surprised about it. Excited and happy, but still surprised.

“Now, who’s next?” Santa asked, looking at the children.

“Ooo! Me, me, me, me, me!” a high-pitched voice announced loudly, dashing over to Santa before anypony else could react. Santa raised an eyebrow at the sight of the periwinkle-and-white maned filly.

“Ah...you are Diamond Tiara, aren’t you?” he asked.

“See? Even the big pony knows who I am,” Tiara said, tipping her namesake on her head. “My Daddy made sure that he got me the best present ever. Riiiight?”

There was a brief pause, as Santa idly tapped his beard. After a moment, he smiled at the filly, and said, “Oh, yes. I’ve got just the thing for you.”

He then reached into his pocket, rather than his sack, and started searching it.

“Seeeee? He has to carry it around on him, just to make sure it’s safe.”

Santa then plopped a lump of coal in front of the filly.

“There, made with you in mind, Miss Tiara. Now, who’s next?”

Diamond Tiara couldn’t even comprehend what just happened, and Cheerilee had to personally take her back to her seat, while the rest of the children clambered onto Santa’s lap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How’d your Santa gig go today, Omnius?” Twilight asked me as I tiredly collapsed onto my couch.

I smiled at the memories of the smiling faces I had seen that day.

“Pretty damn good,” I told her, pushing my glasses back onto my face.

Eternal Twilight - It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

“Gloves?”

“Check.”

“Boots?”

“Hush, you. Now...ridiculously cool and holiday themed scarf?”

“Check...you know, you don’t have to do this,” Spike told me as he marked the final item off of the list.

“I do. It’s a tradition that I shan’t give up on now,” I replied, tightening my belt. “A battle that all sentient life has to deal with at one point or another. I’m not gonna lie, Spike. This may be the toughest trial I’ve faced in my years as a Traveler. I might not make it back. If that happens...tell Twilight that...Oh, she already knows.”

“...Dude,” Spike said, giving me a blank stare. “It’s just gift shopping.”

I shook my head in disagreement. “This isn’t just any kind of gift shopping. This is last minute, fast paced, extremely crowded, Christmas shopping for the love of your eternal life.”

“Yeah, so?”

“At Macy’s in New York.”

“...Celestia protect your soul.”

“Amen,” I gravely agreed.

Spike looked down at the list, and back up at me with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Say...you Travel through time, right?” he asked.

“Yeah, so?”

“Couldn’t you, I dunno, go there a bit earlier, and then just get her gift when it’s less chaotic?” he pointed out.

“Spike, Spike, Spike,” I chided, shaking my head. “There’s just some things that you’ve gotta do as a Traveler. This...is not one of those times. Besides, if I had gotten her gift any earlier, she would’ve deduced what it was, and I would’ve had to go to the trouble of trying to come up with clever ways to deceive her.”

“That’s not what I aske-”

“Esperanto!” I cried, diving through the front window of the library, barreling into another world entirely.

Traveling. It’s the best way to get out of a pointless argument. Especially useful when the other guy makes a valid point, and you can’t come up with a witty response to it.

Politicians would kill to get something like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I reopened my eyes, I wasn’t surprised to find myself standing in the middle of a nearly completely white bank of snow, in front of a pristine, white building that had a great red star sitting on it. Hordes of people swarmed around me, all moving with the type of reverence reserved for pilgrimages to Bethlehem, or wherever extremely religious people went during times of God and stuff. It was obvious that they held a great contempt for each other, however, and seemed to eye each other as if they were their next target.

I scowled at the very sight of the monstrosity.

Christmas shopping...I growled mentally.

“Alright, Macy’s,” I said out loud, ignoring the stares I got from the passing swarms. “I don’t like you, and you just want my money. The only time we’ve ever gotten along is when I’m watching Miracle on 34th Street, and I sure as Hell don’t see Edmund Gwenn dressed up as my childhood hero. And yes, I do mean the guy in the 1947 original film. The remake is bad, and it should feel bad. But! I’m willing to show you mercy this day. Just let me get a present for my girlfriend that’ll make her day, and I might not start a fire. Comprende?”

Macy’s star seemed to laugh at me.

I scowled, and aimed a kick at a passing black-and-white cat. The cat nimbly dodged me, and - I kid you not - raised its paw at me, giving me the unmistakable bird. I swear, the damn cat also threw out an irritated, “Merry Christmas, Asshole!” as it passed by. An instant later, I think...I think I saw a bowler hat on its head.

“...That was in no way an omen,” I solidly denied.

That being said and out in the air, I tightened my duster, and walked into the Hell that was Macy’s.

And let me tell you, my earlier thoughts hadn’t been an exaggeration.

They had been a freaking understatement.

Everywhere I looked, people were rushing all over the place, throwing elbos, knees, punches, and the occasional $4,000 high-heeled shoe at anything that was foolish enough to be caught in their paths. Bags and boxes were stacked up so high, that I thought they’d be seen all the way from the top floor way above their heads. The air reeked of a sickening mixture of sweat, hot chocolate, candy canes, dirty diapers, mixing together in an unholy stench that would send even the most foolhardy of shoppers running away with their purses between their legs. By all that was good, I wanted to run out of there screaming as well.

Instantly, I felt an insane sense of claustrophobia take over, as I found myself facing what could only be the Macy’s equivalent of the Persian Army. I pressed onwards though, making my way over to the first stop on my list of potential gifts for Twilight:

The bookstore.

As several angry and impatient children stomped on my toes as I passed through (only to be thwarted by my steel toe boots), I couldn’t help but keep draw parallels to that damn 300 movie. In the end, I just shouted, “TONIGHT, I SHOP IN HELL!” and finally made it there, after an entire fifteen minutes of dealing with the crowds.

Ye gods, and that was just the entrance.

In any case, though, I made it in there relatively unscathed, and only one of my pockets had been rifled through.

“Excuse me, miss?” I asked a passing clerk. “Do you know where I might find a book on...say...Merlin, or the Knights of Camelot? Maybe a nice Dungeons and Dragons manual?”

“Sorry, sir,” he growled in response. “Just sold the last of ‘em. Better luck next year.”

I sighed heavily, and looked back out into the crowd. I was gonna have to go back out there, wasn’t I?

“Thanks anyways, doc,” I told him. “Merry Christmas.”

“Good luck,” he told me, right before I dived back outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’ll have you know that I spotted this lovely necklace first!” an extremely heavy-set...female(?)...with too much makeup told me in a posh and uptight voice, as she clung to the pearl necklace with a grip that would’ve put Mr. Krabs to shame.

“Look, lady,” I grunted, ignoring the fact that she was basically swinging me into mannequin after mannequin with barely any effort at all. “I’m just trying to get a gift for my lady. Surely, we can work something out?”

She smacked me with her umbrella, and haughtily spat, “I shall NOT allow some hussie of a woman claim what is rightfully mine!”

“Now, liste-” I paused, and stared at her as if she’d just sprouted snakes from her shoulders. “What did you just call my girlfriend?”

“You heard me,” she said with contempt.

I nodded evenly at her words, and looked at a security guard who had been watching everything with a small smile on his face.

“Excuse me...” I glanced at his nametag, “Rawlins. Would you be mad if I used this overweight bitch as a battering ram?”

“Oh gee, look,” he drawled lazily, his smile growing slightly. “Something suspicious. I better look at it, and focus entirely on it.”

“Much obliged. Merry Christmas,” I told him.

“Happy new year,” he replied.

“What are you-”

Before she could even say anything, I had grabbed her by the folds of her coat, and pushed her onto the ground.

Was it rude, and extremely unbecoming of me? Yes.

Was it totally awesome to push her like she was a giant katamari thing through an entire crowd of people in the best cartoonish scene-transition ever, and crush everyone in front of me?

You better believe your ass it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay. Next goal was the candy kiosk I had seen a couple of hours ago. I thought I had seen some kind of chocolate covered orange that I knew Twilight had a fondness for. Unfortunately for me, the crowd had somehow grown, nearly doubling in size, making it damn near impossible to get through. That meant that my only way to get there was...

Was...

Through the perfume department.

I gulped nervously, and pulled my scarf over my face.

“Let’s do this.”

Lowering my head, I charged into the store, screaming my head off. And in almost an instant, every single “helpful” assistant was onto me like vultures to a corpse. My world became an insane blur of toxic fumes, nauseating me to my very soul. I almost preferred the fresh scent of “Eau De Christmas Shopper” to that free sample’d stuff.

One of the bastards actually sprayed me in my eye. My freaking eye. These guys just don’t like anyone.

Oh, and the worst part? That candy kiosk had already been sold out of everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I had gone through every single store in that damn...erm...store...and there weren’t any presents that I had seen that would work for Twilight. Nothing that I thought would really show her how much she meant to me. No jewelry, no candies, no packages, presents, or boxes or bags!

Damn it, I almost made a Dr. Seuss joke there.

Then, just as I was considering throwing in the towel...I saw it. The perfect gift, that would not only show her I cared, but it also fit her devotion to learning about other cultures, love of the sun, wisdom, and cuteness overall, but it was something that only someone like me would get her.

A plushie of Ameterasu. Yes, the one from the kickass video game. If you don’t know about either of them...you don’t know life, man.

So there it was, sitting on a little stand right by the entrance...the exact opposite side of where I had been standing. I didn’t know how long it would stay there, but I knew I had to reach it. That meant I had to do this in the fashion of the best Christmas shopper of all.

Goofy.

I jumped onto the guardrail that would normally keep unruly kids from falling to the third and/or second floor, and latched onto some tinsel that had been artfully used as a decoration.

And then I did something that should never be imitated in real life: I jumped, and used that tinsel as a makeshift vine, allowing me to swing down onto the ground floor. Then, just before I crashed into the giant pine tree (I don’t know how the hell I missed it), the tinsel snapped, sending me tumbling into a sunglasses stand. The momentum forced the kiosk/stand thing to roll forward through the crowds, parting them with more efficiency than even Moses could command.

Around that time, physics decided to kick back in, and send my improvised ride crashing into an escalator. I ended up getting catapulted out of the stand, and right into the front doors of Macy’s...after a fun little slow-motion falling montage.

I peeled myself off of the door, and clumsily snatched the doll before anyone else could take it, slapping a twenty dollar bill onto the stand.

“Merry Christmas,” was all I said, right before I ran out of Macy’s like a bat outta Hell.

Now. I should have taken off before anything else could happen. I should have just Traveled back, and said screw it. But you know what happened? Something incredibly cliche, overused, and unfortunate as all get out.

I saw an empty Toys for Tots box. You know, the ones where you put in a toy, and it gets donated to homeless kids on Christmas. And it was empty.

Ye freaking Gods. Now my conscience is conspiring against me. Hell, even the guy standing next to it to make sure that no one would steal anything looked depressed.

I stared at it for a few seconds, and then looked back at the doll I had in my own iron grip.

“...Damn it,” I muttered.

What could I do?

I dropped the damn doll into the box.

Maybe I’d have a bit of luck somewhere else...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, how’d the shopping go?” Spike asked me as I stumbled back into the library, back in Earth Pony form.

“Horrible,” I grumbled. “I searched Macy’s, Walmart, Pawn shops, and even Costco for a present for Twilight. I Traveled for almost forty-two days, each time going to a new Christmas store. And I couldn’t find a single damn thing...”

“Why’d you do that?” the small dragon asked me, using a strangely loud voice.

I rolled over onto my back, and sighed once again.

“Because, Spike. It’s our first Hearth’s Warming together. Sure, I know it’s just another version of Christmas, but that doesn’t change the fact that they both stand with the same morals. It’s a time where you can show kindness to everyone, right? Goodwill towards men or mares, yadda yadda yadda.”

“Doesn’t sound like a yadda yadda moment to me,” Spike commented.

“Well, it’s not,” I told him. “Christmas is much more than I can give it credit. I mean, look at me. This is a holiday made for families. I know a lot of people complain that it’s been corrupted into a marketing campaign or something, but I don’t think that’s the case. There’s always at least one person who keeps the heart of it alive.  Anyways, that’s not the point, is it?”

He didn’t respond...odd.’

“The point is...I’ve always believed that Christmas is something you do with your family. You get them gifts from the heart, you show them you care. I wanted to get Twilight something that really told her that...I wanted to tell her something that I couldn’t just express with words. It’s weird, isn’t it? Me failing to describe something with words. I’ve always got a comment for anything.

“But...I just want to tell her I love her. That I would do anything for her, no matter what. If I could, I’d even give up Traveling, just to stay with her. I’d find a way. I want to say that I’ll stay with her as long as it takes. That she could never do anything wrong, that she’s the only thing I’d call perfect. Cheesy, sure, but it’s the truth. Do I even need to add anything else?”

“Maybe you could say I look pretty?”

“That goes without say...though...I mean, she knows I don’t put much stock on looks, but she does look beautiful. Hell, she barely even...tries...ah...” I trailed off, this time looking at the person I thought I had been talking to.

And lo and behold, like a mighty Christmas miracle, Twilight was there, watching me with a warm expression on her face. She looked like she was having a tough time trying to decide whether to laugh, or to give me a hug.

I get those moments a lot.

Giving her a weak smile of my own, I asked her, “So...did you hear all that?”

She nodded, and then asked me, “Did you mean all of that?”

Did I? Did I really mean all of that?

Well, I can only tell the truth.

“Of course I did. I just wanted to get you something that could say it better than I could,” I told her, pushing myself back up into a standing position.

Twilight replied to that by throwing her forehooves around me in a tight hug. I held her close to me, and we sat there, in the library, simply enjoying each other’s company.

“Happy Hearth’s Warming,” I told her.

“Merry Christmas.”

I love being the Traveler.