The Grilled Cheese and the Muletese Falcon

by PonyJosiah13

First published 30th of March, 2016

A Hearts and Hooves Day party goes badly wrong when Cheese Sandwich is falsely accused of theft. When Pinkie Pie breaks him out of jail, the two party ponies set out on a wacky adventure to prove their innocence.

It's Hearts and Hooves Day, a day for lovers across Equestria. And who better to hire for a special anniversary celebration than Equestria's Super Duper Party Pony, Cheese Sandwich?

But the celebrations become derailed when Cheese Sandwich himself is accused of stealing the priceless Muletese Falcon and imprisoned for his crime. Desperate to prove her friend's innocence, Pinkie Pie breaks Cheese out of jail and the two set off on a wacky adventure. But with both the Guards and the criminals responsible for framing Cheese hot on their trails, can the two party ponies survive on their own? And will they find love along the way?

Well, you won't know unless you read the story, silly!

The Phillip Finder series
The Pony in the Gray Trilby
The Everfree Forest Affair
Time Flies
The Blue Moon Brings Death
Letters to a Candymare
The Face in the Darkness
Checkmate
Secret of the Mare Lisa
The Sun Falls
Clockwork
Behind Locked Doors
Siege of Clovenworth
The Silent Fugitive
Curse of the Taverneigh Blue
Mystery on the Mareish Moors
The Grilled Cheese and the Muletese Falcon
Trifle Not With Monsters
The Fillydelphia Solution
The Sydneigh Ritual
Endgame

Prologue: A Hearts and Hooves Day Gift

One week before Hearts and Hooves Day, the city of Vanhoover was decorated in hearts and pink flowers to remind it's inhabitants of the upcoming celebration of love and family. Flower stands stocked up on vivid red roses and shop windows proudly displayed signs that announced holiday sales of chocolates, jewels and fine clothing.

Amongst the larger big-chain stores, it might be easy to overlook a single shop sitting off on it's own between a large confectionery and a bookstore. But Giuoco Piano's Music Shop was getting a surprising amount of attention today: most would not have noticed amidst the crowd of shoppers, but it seemed rather odd that so many different ponies were entering the shop and none were coming out.

A pair of stallions in well-pressed suits and ties—a stout, waddling unicorn with a cutie mark of a cookie and a tall, skinny pegasus with a cutie mark of a carriage wheel—walked across the street and entered the shop, glancing over their shoulders as they crossed the threshold. The shop interior was filled with all manner of musical instruments, all of them proudly displayed on walls and on raised daises. Ignoring the products, the two stallions walked up the counter, where a young pegasus mare with a flowing reddish-brown mane greeted them with a smile. "Can I help you two gentleponies?" she asked.

"Giuoco asked us to come," the unicorn said, pulling an envelope out from his breast pocket and extracting a letter from within it. Keeping the letter, he gave the envelope to the mare. She examined it carefully, then looked up, her expression suddenly grave.

"Passphrase?" she asked.

The stallions looked at one another. The pegasus plucked a roll of paper with several sections cut out of it and laid it over the letter, revealing the hidden message: "I have no brothers or sisters, but this stallion's father is my father's son. Who is this stallion?"

"That stallion is my son," the pegasus answered the riddle, rolling his eyes. "How come Z insists on using these stupid riddles and puzzles?"

"As long as he pays me, I don't really care how he does his thing," the mare shrugged, flicking a switch beneath the counter. With a click, a door marked "Employees Only" unlocked and the clerk gestured them through it. The visitors walked through the door and trotted down a set of stairs, entering a basement showroom. The wide room was filled with several round tables, at which sat a number of ponies, griffons, donkeys and zebras, all of them murmuring quietly and glancing at one another. Several hanging lamps cast the room and its occupants in low shadow.

"Good afternoon, gentleponies," a unicorn coatpony greeted the visitors at the door. "Hold still for a moment, please." He passed a glowing metal wand that buzzed and clicked over the two. The pegasus completed the inspection, but when the wand was brought over the unicorn, it turned red and beeped loudly. Scowling, the stout unicorn reached into his suit and extracted a shoulder holster loaded with a pearl-handled snub-nosed revolver.

"You know the rules," the coatpony scolded him, taking the weapon and placing it into a steel lockbox. "No weapons. Now, please take your seat. We're about to start." The two newcomers took their seats at an empty table, accepting two glasses of iced champagne from a uniformed waiter. They sipped at their drinks apprehensively, alternatively glancing at their competitors and up at the large stage up at the front of the room, covered with a red curtain.

Behind the bright red curtain, a stallion took a long draught on a goldleaf cigarette, inhaling the heady aroma of expensive Saddle Arabian tobacco. Tilting his head back, he slowly exhaled smoke into the air, watching meditatively as the wisps swirled into and out of existence in a few short seconds.

"Sir, the representatives from the Applewood Runners are here," an assistant reported. "I think that's all of the ones that are going to show up. We're ready."

"Excellent," Zugzwang smiled, flicking the cigarette away and taking his place at a podium. With a nod, he signaled the assistant to raise the curtain. The red velvet parted, revealing the anticipating crowd before him.

"Welcome, my friends," Zugzwang greeted them all with a smile. "It's good to see that so many of you got my invitation, for it's time for us all to see if we can fill our coffers." He straightened his tie. "Without further ado, let us begin the auction with the first item on the block." He gestured to his offstage assistants, who carried a large trunk onto the stage. Prying the trunk open, the tilted the box up to reveal its contents: a neatly-stacked array of rifles.

"A shipment of brand-new .30 caliber Greenfield carbines," Zugzwang announced. "Accurate for up 600 yards and as reliable as the sunrise, come rain, snow or mud. We'll start the bidding at one thousand bits. Do I hear one thousand?"

And so it went. The Greenfields were purchased by the local Canter Nostra family for eighteen hundred bits. Incriminating photographs of a high-ranking noble went to a Sinalope cartel for eight hundred and fifty bits, while a shipping crate filled with young slave fillies was bought by the Japonese Yakuza for six thousand bits. Exhibit after exhibit was offered up in succession and quickly deposited into greedy hooves.

Finally, Zugzwang cleared his throat and made an announcement. "There is only one item left for bidding today, my friends. But I assure you, I have saved the best for last." With a dramatic flair, he reached into his suit and extracted a large manila envelope. "This envelope, my friends," he said, lifting the parcel of papers up into the air for inspection, "contains a plan five months in the making. The documents herein detail a foolproof plan to steal the Muletese Falcon!"

A gasp of surprise went up among the crowd, every eye turning onto the manila envelope with lust. "We will start the bidding at two hundred thousand bits. Do I hear two hundred thousand bits?"

"Two fifty!" an enforcer from the Bloody Burros shouted.

"Three fifty!" the representative from the Sinalope cartel bid.

"Five hundred!" the Griffon mafioso called.

The bids came in a flurry of shouting voices, each of the attendees desperate to be the ones to claim this great prize. Zugzwang called out each of the current bids with a wide smile on his face.

"I hear nine eighty!" he declared, gesturing to the current top bidders, the stallions from Applewood. "Nine eighty going once...going twice..."

"Two million!"

Every head turned to face the owner of the voice: a mare sitting on her own in the back of the room. She was a pure white unicorn with a long mane of silvery-blonde hair streaked with scarlet. Her emerald green eyes held an almost hypnotic beauty to them, holding the gaze of every stallion in the room with no effort at all. The mare's cutie mark was a golden envelope addressed in scarlet red ink, accompanied by a scarlet quill and ink pot. In an aura of pale reddish magic, she held an unlit cigarette in a silver holder.

"Two million bits," she repeated softly, although her upper-class accented voice carried across the entire room. "For the Muletese Falcon."

Nopony objected: her competitors seemed to be mesmerized by this mare, by her display of audacious strength and power.

"Going once...going twice...sold!" Zugzwang banged his gavel on the podium with a final clack. "The plans are given to Madame Scarlet Letter!"

Scarlet Letter smiled and lit up her horn. The envelope was surrounded in a field of pale red magic and floated across the room into her eager hooves.

"And that closes the auction today," Zugzwang announced. "Your business is most appreciated, my friends. I bid you all a good day." And with that, the curtain closed and the lights began to dim, cuing the attendees to begin to disperse with their ill-gotten gains.

The stout unicorn retrieved his revolver, scowling heavily at the blonde mare with the envelope cutie mark. "Freaking Scarlet Letter," he grumbled to his companion. "Always hogging all the glory for herself and her gang."

"Keep quiet, Burt," the pegasus hissed. "If she heard you talking like that—"

"You know what being the ones to steal the Muletese Falcon would do for the Applewood Runners, Ernie?" the stout unicorn snapped. "We wouldn't be the laughingstocks of the Equestrian underworld anymore; we'd be the ones on top!" His eyes slowly slid back towards Scarlet Letter, shining with greed and envy.

"True enough," Ernie agreed quietly, following his gaze as they exited. "But who said we had to steal it direct?" With a final glance back, the two of them exited the shop, already scheming hard.

Meanwhile, Scarlet Letter slowly opened the manila envelope and began to examine the documents within it. At the very top of the pile was a photograph of her target: the Muletese Falcon, a magnificent golden statue of a falcon inlaid with jewels of every color. The picture itself seemed to sparkle beneath her gaze, and she could not resist an awed gasp.

"Oh, my dove, you do know how to spoil a mare," she cooed to Zugzwang, who had joined her at the table.

"Only the best for you, Scarlet," he replied. A waiter brought over a bottle of beerenauslese and two glasses. Zugzwang poured a glass for the lady, and then one for himself. "Of course, I must be sure...are your men up to the task?"

"The Scarlets are the finest criminals in Equestria," Scarlet Letter assured him, sipping daintily at her wine as she scrutinized the plans before her. "We have the resources and ability for anything, especially a plan conjured by our dear friend Zugzwang, the Black King of Crime."

"Madame, please, you make me blush," Zugzwang laughed softly.

Scarlet flipped over a sheet of paper, revealing a file beneath. Clipped to this file was a photograph of a pale orange stallion with curly brown hair, dressed in a dark hat and a poncho with a rubber chicken riding on his back. "Who is this stallion?" she asked.

"That is Cheese Sandwich," Zugzwang replied. "He is the key to the plan's success."

"Indeed?" Scarlet raised an eyebrow, examining the picture intently. "Well, then, let us make a toast to Mister Cheese Sandwich, and thank him for his aid."

"Of course," Zugzwang agreed. The two criminals raised their glasses and clinked them together. Their eyes sparkled at one another over their glasses.

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, mein Geliebte," Zugzwang whispered.

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, my dove," Scarlet Letter answered. She leaned in, silently asking for a kiss. And whatever Scarlet Letter asked for, she got, even if she was making demands of a king.

Author's Notes:

And here goes nothing. This is the first time I've included a prologue to a story, but I felt it was necessary to set up the story.

So what do these two lovers have in mind for Equestria's Super Duper Party Pony? Read on, my friends...

Part 1: Return of the Cheese

One week later, a brisk late morning wind blew through the Ponyville Park, rustling the green leaves in the trees. The whispering of the foliage provided the perfect counterpoint to the gentle sax music that was currently being issued by the stallion in the green vest sitting atop one of the benches. Berry Punch and Minuette passed by, walking with their tails intertwined and carrying a cart loaded with kegs of Berry's famous grape juice. Berry Pinch rode atop her mother's shoulders. The group paused to listen to the song; when it finished, they applauded enthusiastically.

"Have a happy Hearts and Hooves Day!" Minuette said with a smile, dropping a couple of bits into the upturned gray hat laying on the bench next to the saxophonist. The couple continued down the path, dragging the cart behind them towards the collection of ponies gathering in the town center, setting up booths and hanging decorations of pink and crimson from the trees and rooftops. Berry leaned over and whispered something into Minuette's ear, causing the unicorn to giggle and blush. The two shared a kiss as they passed beneath a tree that gently rained rose petals down upon them. Pinch giggled to herself, shaking her head at the adults' behavior.

Phillip Finder watched them, feeling a small twinge of envy at the sight. His thoughts strayed to Daring, wondering what she was doing today. Maybe he should get a bouquet from the Flower Sisters and have it mailed to her, maybe with a thoughtful letter ; that's what couples did today, right? Sitting back on the bench, he closed his eyes for a moment to examine his surroundings, inhaling deep the various scents: the fresh-cut grass, the sweet pollen from the budding flowers, a vaporous trace of grape and mint toothpaste, and the powerful aroma of chocolate from the celebration preparations down the pathway...

Suddenly, he was aware of a very strange scent. No, a collection of scents: an aromatic amalgamation of cheeses. Looking around for the source of the odor, he spotted a stallion trotting down the pathway. This pony was dressed in an unusual ensemble: a dark poncho and a wide-brimmed hat that hid his lowered face. He held a pink-striped party horn between his teeth and a rubber chicken dressed in a bowler hat with a bright red "2" painted on its belly rode on his back.

"Oh, no, not again," Phillip groaned.

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry wandered through the main thoroughfare of the Ponyville Town center, admiring the ongoing decorations for the day's Hearts and Hooves Day party. "Wow, Pinkie Pie sure knows how to put on a celebration," Flash commented, passing by a stage where the Ponyville Jazz Ensemble was setting up under the instruction of conductor Slide Fortissimo and Octavia Melody, who had traded her cello for a bass. Slide's twin brother, Green Screen, was helping Vinyl Scratch test some of her sound equipment nearby.

"Well, of course, silly!" a voice cried behind Flash, causing him both to leap up into the air in surprise and spin around. Pinkie Pie was right behind them, floating in midair, suspended by a collection of multicolored balloons of all shapes and sizes. "Being a party pony is all about putting on celebrations! Especially when they're celebrations for my bestest friends!"

"Of course," Twilight agreed with a smile. "You always throw the best—" Her voice trailed off as her attention was diverted by the flock of balloons that was holding Pinkie up in the air. "Pinkie, how did you make a square balloon?"

"With square breaths! Duh!" Pinkie answered with an eye roll. As Twilight and Flash exchanged a "should have seen that coming" look, there came a shout from Applejack: "Hey, Pinkie! Where did you want the caramel apples?"

"Be right there!" Pinkie called over. "I'll give you two lovebirds some time alone," she said to Twilight with a wink and knowing smirk. Twilight smiled and waved at Pinkie Pie, who impossibly propelled herself through the air towards Applejack with swimming motions. Chuckling, the two ponies continued on their way. Passing by a candy table, Twilight plucked two cupcakes with her magic, taking one for herself and giving the other to Flash. They sat in the shade of a tree to enjoy their treat, watching the crowds of ponies preparing for the celebration.

"Hey, you've got some frosting on your cheek," Flash said.

"Where?" Twilight asked, reaching up to wipe it off.

"I got it," Flash grinned, leaning in and licking the frosting off.

"Flash!" Twilight scolded, turning red with embarrassment. Her Guard laughed in reply, pulling a wing around her and cuddling her close. After a moment of resistance, she surrendered to his affection and nuzzled up against his neck.

"I'm really glad to be here," Flash whispered happily.

"I'm glad that you're here," Twilight replied, tilting her chin up and half-closing her eyes. In answer to her unspoken request, Flash closed his eyes and leaned in close; but to his surprise, instead of the kiss he was expecting, he received a cupcake being mashed into his face. "Hey!" he sputtered in surprise.

"Gotcha," Twilight smirked, laughing at the sight of Flash with frosting and crumbs all over his face. "Here, let me get that off." She leaned in and kissed him on the lips. It was Flash's turn to blush at the sensation of her lips on his, especially when she gently licked away the frosting. She smirked at seeing him flustered; Turnabout is Fair Play by Baden Switch had been well worth reading.

"You little minx," Flash smiled, wiping his face off with a napkin that she provided and wrapping his wing around her again. He sighed contentedly. "This is perfect."

"You know what would make it more perfect?" a gruff voice asked. Both ponies looked up to see the pony in the poncho and hat standing next to them, his head lowered. "If this party were planned for two, by two."

"Cheese Sandwich!" Twilight said in delight, jumping up to greet the traveling party pony. Cheese grinned as he removed his poncho and hat, revealing his yellow polo shirt. "Good as gouda to see you again, Twilight!" he greeted her. "Have you seen Pinkie Pie around here?"

"Cheesie!" a voice squealed. A pair of pink hooves wrapped themselves around Cheese's eyes. "Guess who?" Pinkie shouted, floating behind Cheese.

"Is it Uncle Frank or cousin Louie?" Cheese asked.

"Nope!" Pinkie giggled.

"Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?"

"Guess again!"

"Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"

"No, silly!" Pinkie laughed, letting go of Cheese and allowing him to turn around. "It's me!"

"Pinkie Pie!" Cheese hugged the mare.

"I knew you'd be back one day!" Pinkie squeed.

"Can't keep a party pony like me away! Especially not when there's a Hearts and Hooves Day party to plan!"

"Both of us working together, to make this the most frabjuous Hearts and Hooves Day ever?! Callooh, callay!" Pinkie cheered, her voice reaching an excited octave. "Think you're up to it, Cheese Sandwich?"

"I'm on it like stink on Limburger!" Cheese grinned determinedly, following Pinkie. "Now, the first thing we need is about three tons of confetti..."

Twilight watched the pair of party ponies trotted off, then turned to Flash. He was staring after them with his jaw hanging open. "It's like there's two of them," he whispered.

The preparations were ready by that afternoon. The celebration was kicked off by Pinkie lighting a firework that shot up into the air and exploded in a heart-shaped shower of pink sparks that rained down on the crowd. Children squealed with delight as they hurried over to the game booths and buffet tables of sweets. Heart-shaped balloons floated over the jamboree, reflecting the beams from roving spotlights.

"Come on, everypony!" Pinkie shouted through a megaphone. "Grab your special somepony and head for the dance floor!" She signaled the ensemble on stage. Slide Fortissimo raised his baton and struck up the band, whirling them into an energetic swing that blasted through Vinyl's speakers, the music magnetically attracting the celebrating ponies to the dance floor.

Twilight watched from the Town Hall porch. Carrot Top and her husband Written Script were doing a four-step while Lyra was leading Bon Bon in an impromptu step dance. Caramel was energetically stumbling over his four left hooves, to the amusement of Sassaflash, who fortunately could dance well enough for the two of them. Gingerroot and Decibelle Rose were laughing as they attempted to mimic the dancers around them. A blushing Spike nervously presented a bouquet of roses to Rarity, who giggled and allowed him to guide her to the dance floor. Starlight Glimmer sat nervously off to the side for a while, but was approached by a nervous-looking unicorn stallion who offered her a marigold muffin, earning a shy smile in reply.

She sighed contentedly at the sight of her friends and citizens happy. This was almost perfect. The only thing that would make this better was...

"Excuse me, Princess," Flash cleared his throat and smiled. "May I escort you to the dance floor?"

She giggled at his cheesy act. "You may," she nodded, allowing Flash to take her foreleg and guide her over to the dancing crowd.

Meanwhile, Cheese Sandwich supervised the party from some distance away. "Well, Pinkie, looks like we did it," he said to the mare beside him. "These ponies will be talking of this Hearts and Hooves Day party for years."

"Yup! And it's all thanks to us!" Pinkie said, hugging him. "I'm really glad that you came back. I couldn't have pulled this off without a friend like you!"

She failed to notice the red glow that spread across Cheese's cheeks at her touch, or perhaps she thought it was a reflection of the light. "Er, yeah, Pinkie," he stammered, rubbing the back of his neck. "See, the thing is..." He cleared his throat. This plan had sounded easier in his head. "You...you know how Hearts and Hooves Day is all about couples...about a pony being with a pony that they really like and..."

"Cheese Sandwich?" a voice interrupted. Looking up, the two ponies saw a cream-colored unicorn with an elegantly styled golden mane and smiling green eyes approaching them. This pony was dressed in a dark red waistcoat and tie and had a cutie mark of a pair of tragedy and comedy masks.

"Allow me to introduce myself," this pony said in an upper-class accent, extending his hoof to shake. "My name is Encore Performance. I've been looking for you for days."

"You didn't have far to look," Cheese said, shaking his hoof. "Just had to follow the party signs."

"Precisely," Encore smiled. "That's actually why I wanted to speak to you. You see, I'm a close friend of Lord Fancy Pants and his wife, Lady Fleur de Lis. It is a tradition of theirs to spend Hearts and Hooves Day to themselves, and then hold a celebration for their friends on the day after. These celebrations are very special to them, and they would like to provide the very best for their friends. Which means, of course, that there is nopony better in all Equestria to plan this party than you, Cheese Sandwich."

"Me? Really?" Cheese said.

"Indeed!" Encore said, patting Cheese Sandwich on the shoulder. "Fancy and Fleur both agree, nopony better. Of course, we'd be more than willing to reimburse you for your time, if you decide to help us."

Cheese looked back at the ongoing party before him. He had just organized a Hearts and Hooves Day party to top all other parties. And now he got to do it again on the very next day!

"No, I would not like to," Cheese said seriously. Encore's face fell and he opened his mouth, but then, Cheese leapt up into the air in an explosion of confetti. "I would love to!" he shouted.

"Splendid!" Encore said in delight. "We shall expect you on the earliest train to Canterlot!" With a final hoofshake, the upper-class pony departed, thanking Cheese for his kindness.

"Wow, lucky you," Pinkie said with a small note of envy. "Getting to plan two parties in a row!"

"You could come with me, you know," Cheese offered. "The two of us could really make that a party!"

Pinkie smiled sadly. "Sorry, Cheese. But I have to stay here; I've got a lot of baking to catch up on."

Cheese's ears flopped down and his face fell slightly. "Oh. Okay."

"Aw, cheer up!" Pinkie said with a smile. "You can tell me all about it next time you come to Ponyville! Or you could always write!"

The thought seemed to perk up Cheese again and he smiled broadly. "Sure as sharp cheddar I will!"

"That's better!" Pinkie said. "Now, come on; there's still a party here in Ponyville!" She bounded off to rejoin the festivities, with Cheese bouncing after her.

Encore Performance paused at the door to his limousine carriage, drawn by two uniformed pegasi. He smirked at the sight of Cheese bouncing off before signaling his drivers to take him back to Canterlot. Scarlet would be pleased, he thought as he was carried off towards the shining city in the distance.

Author's Notes:

And what better way to kick off a romantic comedy-adventure story than with a party and a lot of shipping?

I'm truly sorry this took so long: I just wanted this story to start off perfectly. As an apology, have the cute Cheesepie image that I based this scene off of. Hopefully that will sate you while I write the next chapter.

Slide Fortissimo and Green Screen belong to my collegemates and buddies Trombone2015 and Mandolin15.
Decibelle and Gingerroot are the stars of their own series by DatPoneEnthusiast90, which you should totally check out. All are used with their knowledge and permission.

Part 2: The Party's Over

The next morning, Cheese Sandwich trotted up the pathway to Fancy Pant's estate in Canterlot. The mansion was simple, but elegant, made of carved marble with lovingly tended ivy crawling up the walls to embrace the perfectly polished windows that reflected the light of the rising sun. The paved pathway was lined on each side with topiary bushes, trimmed to resemble ponies in a number of heroic, inspirational poses. Cheese paused to make some funny faces at one of them, already imaging the kinds of decorations he could put on those. A gardener gave him a look as he cheerily trotted up to the wide white door and knocked on the golden knocker.

The door opened wide to reveal a butler in a crisp white uniform with long sleeves and golden shoulder emblems. A coat of arms displaying three gold crowns on a blue background and a trio of fleurs-de-lis on a pink background was sewn onto the butler's breast pocket. "Ah, Mr. Sandwich," he greeted Cheese cordially.

"Permission to come onboard, Captain!" Cheese said, saluting exaggeratedly. The corners of the butler's mouth twitched upwards and he stepped aside to allow Cheese entry. "Please come this way, sir. We have been expecting you." The butler led Cheese into a grand hallway with black and white checkered tile floors and a large crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. Striding confidently down the hallway, he knocked at a large door.

"Come in!" a voice called. The butler opened the door and gestured Cheese into a small breakfast room. Encore Performance was sitting at a maple table along with Canterlot's premier nobles and philanthropists, Lord Fancy Pants and Lady Fleur De Lis. The three of them were enjoying a breakfast of toast and eggs as they admired the sunlit back garden through floor-to-ceiling windows.

"Ah, the pony of the hour!" Encore greeted him, rising up with a smile. "Fancy, Fleur, may I introduce you to Cheese Sandwich."

Fancy Pants stood up with a smile. "Ah, Mr. Sandwich. We're so glad you could come on such short notice."

"Enchanté, Monsieur Sandwich," Fleur agreed with a graceful bow of her head. "Monsieur Performance was most insistent that you were the best planner for this."

"It's simply supercalifragilisticexpialidocious to meet you both!" Cheese declared, pulling a top hat out from behind his back and tipping it as he bowed low.

"Er...indeed," Fancy Pants said, managing to maintain his composure even in the face of such an unusual guest. "Let me show you to the ballroom where we will be having our celebration." He guided the small entourage down the hallway to the mansion's grand ballroom. The huge ballroom was divided into six sections, each with a different color theme displayed in the furniture and curtain hangings: white, yellow, green, blue, red, and violet, each smoothly transitioning from one to the other. Lit braziers behind colored windows cast each room into gentle light.

"Oooh, fancy shmancy!" Cheese exclaimed, admiring the musician's stage in the blue section of the room.

"Unfortunately, Fancy Shmancy has a head cold and won't be attending," Fancy Pants replied.

"You know, I've been wondering," Cheese said. "Why are you having your party on the evening after Hearts and Hooves Day?"

"It's a tradition of ours," Fancy explained, exchanging a smile with Fleur. "Thirty years ago, when we were first dating, we both wanted to make a special date, but unfortunately, both of us got caught up in last minute work."

"So we waited until the evening after to make a special date for just the two of us," Fleur continued, wrapping her foreleg around Fancy's and nuzzling up against him. "And ever since then, we've had a tradition of spending Hearts and Hooves Day together for ourselves, and then having a party for our friends on the day after."

"Aww, ain't that sweet as cream cheese?" Cheese smiled sappily. "Ooh, that's pretty!" His attention had been diverted by a golden statuette of a falcon inlaid with diamonds of every color and shape, sitting in a glass display in the red section of the room.

"Ah, the Muletese Falcon," Fancy nodded. "It was given to me by a Muletese delegate as a thank you gift for overseeing their negotiations with Ponytaily. Legend has it that it will grant good luck to the owner. I gave it as a wedding gift to my wife."

"You sure it's a falcon?" Cheese asked, peering closer at the statuette. "It looks kind of like a chicken to me—"

RIIIIIINNNNNG!

The clanging of the alarm bell brought several uniformed servants rushing into the room, all of them drawing batons. "Stop right there!" a muscled unicorn shouted, holding his weapon up threateningly.

Cheese leapt back, flinging his front hooves into the air in a gesture of surrender. "I want a lawyer!" he cried out.

"False alarm, everypony," Fancy Pants announced. "Our friend here was just a bit too curious." The servants-cum-security guards stood down, holstering their weapons. One of them turned off the alarm bell.

"My sincerest apologies," Fancy Pants said to Cheese. "We have to keep the Falcon safe. We've had ponies trying to steal it for years; I have heard several rumors that there's not a criminal in Equestria who wouldn't give their right hoof to be the one to steal it."

"Cheri, forget about such things," Fleur cooed reassuringly. "This is a happy occasion, one to spend with our friends." She turned to Cheese. "Now, Monsieur Cheese, Encore asked us to hire you because he said that you could provide us with something nouveau, something passionnant, for our thirtieth anniversary party. Do you have any ideas?"

Cheese tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm...organize a party for the cream of Canterlot by tonight...think we can do it, Boneless 2?"

The rubber chicken's reply was to bend over backwards. "Couldn't have said it better myself," Cheese grinned.

"Our servants are at your disposal," Fancy said.

"Great!" Cheese said, cracking his hooves. "We've got a lot of work ahead of us. First thing..." Cheese plucked a notebook and pencil out of his hat. "How much peanut butter do you have on hoof?"

"...Excuse me?"

That evening, the bells of the Canterlot clocktower chimed out seven o'clock. A drawn carriage trotted up the path to the mansion, its uniformed driver stopping right before the door. The door opened and Jet Set and Upper Crust emerged, trotting up to the open doorway.

"Ah, Mr. Set, Mrs. Crust," the butler greeted them. "Good to see you again. Come in."

"Thank you, Jervis," Jet Set thanked him, following the butler inside and giving him a pair of wrapped presents, which the butler placed on a table that had been set aside for the gifts. "I was sorry to hear that the normal party planner had fallen ill. Did Fancy and Fleur manage to find a suitable replacement?"

"I believe they found a replacement that was more than suitable, sir," Jervis reassured them, trying not to smile as he gestured them into the ballroom.

"Really? Who is—?"

Jet Set's question was interrupted by a spray of confetti, causing him and his wife to jump in surprise. "Wa-ha-ha-hey!" Cheese shouted, jumping up in front of them, now dressed in a dark suit coat with long tails and a multi-colored spinning bowtie. "Welcome to the Post-Hearts and Hooves Day Party!"

Jet Set and Upper Crust looked around. The ballroom had been intricately decorated, but not in a way of which either of them were familiar. Vibrantly-colored curtains hung from the ceiling, each purposefully selected to blend with the color theme of their section, and images of hearts, doves and angels adorned the walls. A long buffet table was loaded with treats of every description and color, their tantalizing odors mixing with a collection of red and white scented candles. A band was set up on the stage, playing an upbeat rendition of a classical tune.

For a moment, Jet Set and Upper Crust could only stare in surprise, completely overwhelmed and unable to respond. Cheese's face fell a little bit; he had expected surprise, but was starting to think he might have overdone it a little bit. Noticing this, Fancy Pants quickly trotted over. "Ah, my old friends! May I introduce you to Cheese Sandwich, our new party planner? He has been working very hard to provide us with a novel entertainment all day, and I, for one, think that it is paying off beautifully." He smiled and winked at Cheese, who grinned back.

"Well, I think so too," Upper Crust agreed after a moment, taking her husband by the foreleg and guiding him closer to the orchestra. "Come, dear, it's been too long since we danced."

"Too true," Jet Set agreed, whirling his wife into a tango. More guests began to arrive and filtered into the ballroom. Cheese greeted each enthusiastically, buoyed by the encouragement from his hosts. Within minutes, the party was in full swing, the room filled with chatter and laughter and music. The food at the buffet table had to be regularly replenished as the guests sampled the menu in between dancing and participating in a number of games, from blind pony's bluff to "Who Am I" to Matching Pairs.

"I haven't participated in a party this fun in years," Encore Performance congratulated Cheese, sampling a hors d'oeuvre from the table. "You did extraordinarily well, Mr. Sandwich."

"I'm glad that you're all having fun," Cheese answered. "You like that snack?"

"Yes. Er...what exactly is this?"

"Peanut butter and chocolate drizzle mini-pizza!" Cheese said with pride. "My own recipe."

Encore stared at the little snack thoughtfully for a moment, then took another bite and chewed slowly. "Not bad," he nodded.

At that moment, there came a tinkling of a bell from the front of the room. "Attention, attention, my friends!" Fancy Pants called from the stage, his wife at his side. "I have an announcement to make!" The room gradually quieted down as everypony turned their gaze towards the host couple.

"First of all, I would like to thank all of you for attending. It does us both such good to see you all here again. And also, we would like to show our appreciation to Mr. Cheese Sandwich for organizing this wonderful soiree!" The group applauded politely at his words.

"And now that we've all filled our bellies and raised our spirits, I do believe it's time for the official gift exchange!" Fancy Pants continued. "After all, what's the use of a loved one if you can't shower them in affection once in a while..."

His voice trailed off, his eyes focusing on something in the back of the room as his jaw dropped in disbelief. Every head turned to follow his gaze, and a great gasp rose up amongst the room as they all realized what had captured Fancy Pants' attention.

The display case that had held the Muletese Falcon was intact and empty; the precious statuette was nowhere to be seen!

"Everypony, stay where you are!" Fancy ordered. "Servants, get in here! Search everypony!"

Quickly and efficiently, the guests were lined up along the room, many of them protesting their treatment as suspects in a thief, but Fancy Pants firmly shut down their arguments. Each of the guests was quickly patted down by one of the servants and their pockets and bags turned inside out. There was no sign of the Falcon anywhere.

Finally, the servants reached Cheese Sandwich, who grinned nervously up at the stern face of the butler. The butler quickly frisked his suit, but found nothing, then took his saddlebags from him. Opening the saddlebag, the butler began to rifle through the contents. A set of plastic glasses with attached nose and mustache, extra confetti, some chattering teeth...

The butler's eyes narrowed as his grip closed around something. Slowly, he extracted his foreleg from Cheese's bag. Clutched in his hoof was the Muletese Falcon. Everypony in the room gasped in shock.

Cheese stared at the statuette in utter disbelief for a moment, then turned and gave a loud laugh. "Ha! Great gag, Fancy Pants! How'd you get that in my bag without anypony noticing? That's one of the best..." His voice slowly trailed off as he looked around to see everypony glaring at him in suspicion. The smile fell from his face as he realized that this wasn't a joke at all. "But...but..." he stammered.

"Dear, summon the City Guard," Fancy Pants said, his voice stretched thin with anger as he glared at the party planner. "Servants, hold him here until the Guard arrives to take him away."

The butler and another servant grabbed Cheese Sandwich by his forelegs and dragged him out of the room, taking the Muletese Falcon with them. Cheese followed them numbly, barely able to comprehend what was happening. His mind had ground to a halt, his heart dropping into his stomach and numbness spreading across his body. Time seemed to whirl around him, speeding up around him like rapids rushing around a rock, passing in what felt like an instant. The servants locked him in a small study room and kept stern, silent watch over him until two City Guards arrived, their armored hoofsteps clacking harshly against the floor as they placed shackles around his hooves and marched him out of the mansion. Cheese didn't even react when Boneless 2 fell off his back and landed on the floor with a pathetic squeak. It wasn't until he was placed in the back of a City Guard carriage that he finally understood that this was real, this was happening. The party was over for good.

Author's Notes:

So far, I'm on a good schedule. I had to fight through a bought of writer's block and various distractions to get this done, but I finally did it.

What's going to happen to our party-planning pony? Wait and see!

Oh, and someone please put Boneless 2 in a safe place. I don't think Cheese could stand losing another one.

Part 3: Pink on Parade

The next morning, a thumping on the crystal doors of the Rainbow Castle announced the daily arrival of the morning paper. Spike opened up the doors with a yawn, waving to Featherweight as he biked away to continue his rounds. Bending down to retrieve the paper, Spike gave the headlines a quick examination. The very first words made him almost choke on his breakfast gems.

"PARTY PONY ARRESTED: Cheese Sandwich Accused of Attempting to Steal Muletese Falcon!"

Rushing back inside the castle, Spike dashed up into the dining room where Twilight and Flash were enjoying breakfast. "You guys gotta see this!" he panted, slamming the paper down onto the table. Twilight picked it up and examined the headline with slowly widening eyes.

"This is ridiculous!" she declared. "Cheese Sandwich is no thief; there has to be something more to this."

"You're probably right," Flash agreed, giving the article a quick glance as he got up to retrieve some maple syrup for his waffles. "If you want to we could take a closer look—GAH!" he shouted, leaping backwards from the cupboard; Pinkie Pie had just leapt out of the impossibly small space. "Don't do that!" Flash scolded her, clutching his heart.

"Did you see this?!" Pinkie screeched, moving past Flash and slapping the newspaper down onto the table in front of Twilight.

"Yes, Pinkie, and it's terrible," Twilight said patiently. "But—"

"But nothing! There is absolutely nothing related to butts about this!" Pinkie continued, flailing her forelegs in agitation. "Cheese Sandwich didn't steal that chicken and he definitely does not deserve to be put in jail!"

"First of all, it's not a chicken, it's a falcon," Twilight explained. "Next, I know you're upset, but—"

"Again with the butts! What is about butts that you are so obsessed about?!" Pinkie shouted, shaking Twilight by the shoulders. "We have got to get Cheese Sandwich out of jail!"

"And we're going to," Twilight tried to reassure her. "But we're going to have to do it through the proper channels. If they post bail, then we can—"

Inspiration flashed across Pinkie's face. "Bail? Why didn't you say so?! That's a great idea! Thanks, Twilight!" Pinkie hugged her friend and quickly bounded out of the castle, passing Starlight Glimmer on the way.

"Twilight, no offense, but your friends are really weird," Starlight told Twilight, entering the dining room. "Hey! You stole my waffle!" she shouted at Flash, noticing the empty plate in front of him.

"Oh, was that yours? Sorry," Flash muttered. "I thought it was just an extra." Starlight groaned in exasperation and grabbed the pitcher of batter to make herself another one.

"Stop it, you two," Twilight scolded. "I don't need you wasting energy fighting each other. We should be thinking of a way to help Pinkie bail out Cheese if..."

She stopped suddenly. Her eyes met Flash's; the horrified look of dawning comprehension on his face told her that the same thought had occurred to them both. Immediately, they leapt up from the table and hurried after Pinkie. "Pinkie, wait! It doesn't mean what you think it means!"

Starlight stared after them, aghast. "Is everypony around here crazy?"

"Welcome to Ponyville," Spike said dryly, taking another spoonful of gems.

Pinkie watched the city of Canterlot approaching through the window of her train carriage. The grandiose city, standing so tall and proud, usually evoked a sense of awe in her: today, it caused her nothing but anger and frustration, seething within her. Somewhere hidden in those whitewashed walls was a thief and a liar who had imprisoned her friend.

As if she, Pinkie Pie, would stand for anypony picking on the other super duper party pony of Equestria! The thought of Cheese Sandwich languishing in a cell made her ill.

"Canterlot station!" the conductor cried. Almost before his shout had left his lips, Pinkie was hurrying off the train and onto the platform. Trotting up to the stationmaster, she grabbed him by the collar and pulled him around so that they were face to face, much to his surprise and discomfort. "Quick! What's the fastest way to the Canterlot Jail?"

"Have you tried committing a felony?" the stationmaster asked, sarcasm dripping off his tongue.

"Nopony likes sour lemons," Pinkie frowned at him.

"Head for the Old Street Market, then turn east. Second left, third on the right, and keep going. You can't miss it."

"Thanks!" Pinkie smiled, bouncing off quickly. The stationmaster stared after her for a moment, then shook his head and returned to his work.

The Canterlot Jail was indeed hard to miss: a low red brick building sitting off on it's own in the midst of a city block, separated from the other buildings by a wall of chain-link fence topped with barbed wire. The building sent chills down her spine: there was absolutely nothing fun about this place at all.

The stoically-faced gold-clad Guards at the door let her enter after she presented her identification and told them she was here to visit an inmate, Cheese Sandwich. She was led inside the jail and to the visitor rooms, a large open area with several tables and chairs and a small section with toys for visiting children, overwatched by a stern-looking Guard behind a desk. A couple other families were sitting at two other tables, speaking to inmates in orange jumpsuits. Pinkie tried to smile at the elderly mother of one of the inmates, but only received a small wave in reply.

The door at the end of the room swung open and a Guard escorted Cheese Sandwich into the room. He, too, was wearing an orange jumpsuit, and was looking tired and unhappy, but he smiled brightly at Pinkie when he saw her.

"Cheese!" Pinkie cried in delight, bouncing up and hugging him.

"No touching!" the Guard at the desk warned her. The two separated hesitatingly and walked over to an empty table.

"You all right, Cheese?" Pinkie asked.

"I'm fine. I kind of miss Boneless 2, though," Cheese replied, pulling something out of his pocket. Taking it, Pinkie found that it was a "Get Out of Jail Free" card from Monopoly. "I tried to use this to get out, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Ah, don't worry about them," Pinkie said, handing the card back. "I know you were framed, Cheese."

Cheese laughed mirthlessly. "I'm in good company. Everypony here is innocent. Like...hey, Green, what're you in for?" he called to a violet unicorn with heavy frown lines around his thin mouth sitting at the neighboring table.

"Didn't do it," Green replied dryly. "Lawyer bucked me."

Pinkie tapped her chin in thought. "Well, I can't get everypony out of here. I'm going to have to just get you out and come back for the others later."

"How are you going to get me out?" Cheese asked.

Pinkie looked around to make sure that nopony was paying too close attention then leaned in close. "In the dead of night, I'm going to break you out of your cell, sneak you out of the prison and find the pony who framed you."

"Really?" Cheese's eyes widened.

"Yupperoni!" Pinkie nodded, reaching out and touching his shoulder. "Like I'd abandon my friend when he was down in the dumps!"

The touch of her hoof on his body sent tingles down Cheese's body, from the top of mane to the tip of his tail. His heart beat a little faster and his breath caught in his chest. This was the perfect moment to tell her...

"I said no touching!" the Guard repeated sternly.

"Okay! Yeesh, touchy guy..." Pinkie grumbled. The moment passed, and Cheese felt himself deflate a little bit.

"So...how're you going to get me out of the cell?" he asked somewhat awkwardly.

Pinkie stared at him for a moment blankly. "Uh...you got a file?"

"Nope. You got a cake to hide it in?"

"Darn!" Pinkie cursed. "I knew I forgot something!" She thought for a few moments more, then shrugged and said, "You know what? We'll just wing it."

"Hey, I'm great at that," Cheese said. "Thinking up plans on the fly is just my thing!"

Pinkie snorted with laughter at the bad pun. Cheese joined in the laughter, both of them doubling over the table, not caring as everypony else in the room stared at them in confusion. Slowly, their laughter died away and they settled back into their seats, wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.

"This reminds me of that time I had to organize a party for a group of buffalo," Cheese began to recite. "The thing about buffalo is that the really like to stomp, so I had to think up a party around stomping..."

The two party ponies began to swap stories like trading cards, giggling delightfully in between punch lines. Their voices attracted the attention of the other visitors and the Guards, and before long, the entire room was filled with laughter. Even the thin-mouthed Green was smiling at exchange.

Finally, one of the Guards, unable to keep a small grin off his face, tapped Cheese on the shoulder. "Sorry, son, but your time's up."

"Aww, but—" Pinkie protested.

"It's okay," Cheese said, rising up. "I'll see you later, Pinkie." With a final smile and wave to everypony, he obediently followed the Guard out of the visiting room while another Guard escorted Pinkie out of the prison. It was with a lighter spring in his step that he walked down the tile-floored hallways of the cell blocks and entered his cell. He lay down on the cot, waiting until the Guard had closed and locked his cell door and trotted away before pulling a small silver harmonica out of his pillow case and playing a quiet, cheery tune. He felt good—a lot better than he should have. He had just made ponies laugh in a prison—that was a first, even for him. And Pinkie...he still thrilled to remember her touch on his shoulder, and the cotton candy scent of her curly mane...

Pinkie.

What if the escape plan went wrong? What if she wound up in jail too? And even if they got out, what if she couldn't prove he was innocent? What if they were condemned to a life on the run, never to bring joy to another face again?

The harmonica fell from his grasp and he fell back on the bed, staring morosely at the ceiling as the smile faded from his countenance.

Meanwhile, outside, Pinkie slowly exited the prison, the smile vanishing from her face as well. She turned back towards the prison, thinking of Cheese Sandwich amidst all those unhappy ponies, and sighed unhappily. "Why can't you write a happy story for once?" she asked, turning and facing...wait, what?

"Why so surprised, Josiah?" Pinkie gave a small smile. "You had to have known this was going to happen sooner or later."

Pinkie, you're not supposed to be talking to me. You know the rules.

"I was just saying, how come all your stories have to have so much unhappiness in them? You could try writing a really funny, happy story for once; I bet your readers would love that!"

Because that's not what I choose to write. Hey, c'mon, Pinkie, don't look so glum. You know how this story ends, right?

"Oh, yeah! Cheese and I—"

PINKIE, NO! YOU'RE GOING TO SPOIL THE STORY!

"Oops!" Pinkie covered her mouth. "Sorry!"

It's okay.

Look, don't worry about it. I won't let you or Cheese get hurt, you know that.

"You Pinkie Promise?"

Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my—ow!

Pinkie snorted with laughter. "Silly, you don't have to stick it in that deeply."

All right, can we get back to the story, please?

"Okay!" Pinkie bounced off. "I need to get my stuff ready anyway. We gotta jail break to plan!"

That night, the Canterlot Jail rested beneath the star-laden sky, the grounds illuminated by powerful spotlights. A lone Guard patrolled the perimeter of the rear grounds, sweeping for any signs of a breach in the gate. Satisfied that nopony was trying to dig their way out, he continued on.

As he passed by, a figure clad in a black jumpsuit emerged from behind a trash can in the back alleyway and ran at the gate, holding a long stick in its hooves. Planting the pogo stick in the ground, it bounced once, twice, then bounded over the gate, landing silently within the jail grounds. Darting across the open grounds, it flattened itself up against the rear walls.

So far, so good, Pinkie Pie thought, noticing an open window above her head. Her Pinkie sense told her that the room on the other side was clear. She crouched for a moment, then leapt up, pulling herself up to the window. The dark room on the other side looked like some kind of office, with desks and chairs everywhere and a blackboard up on the wall. There was nopony in sight. Grinning, Pinkie pushed herself through the gap, but suddenly became stuck halfway through: the gap wasn't big enough to accommodate her girth.

"Girth?" Pinkie protested. "What do you mean, girth?! Are you calling me fat?!"

Well, you could stand to lose a few pounds, Pinkie.

"Stupid rich creamy seven-layer cakes," Pinkie grumbled, wriggling for all she was worth. After a minute of furious grunting, straining and struggling, she popped through, tumbling to the floor with a loud crashing. Fortunately, nopony was around to hear it. With a huff, Pinkie got back up and pointed threateningly at the audience. "That never happened," she growled.

Sneaking over to the door, she opened it carefully and peeked out. The hallway outside was dark and empty. Pinkie continued on, relying on her Pinkie sense to hide from the patrolling Guards.

Finally, she reached the cell block. The gentle snores of a dozen convict tenants filled the area, which was illuminated by soft lamplight and the flash of a patrolling Guard. Hiding beneath a table in the common area, Pinkie observed the Guards movements. She noticed that he wasn't wearing a helmet. As he passed by, the Guard wiped his sweaty forehead. "Why can't they fix that stupid heater?" he grumbled.

Pinkie agreed that the cell block was uncomfortably warm, but she needed to get rid of the Guard before she could break Cheese out. Inspiration struck her: reaching into another pocket in her jumpsuit, she pulled out a long stick with a fake hairy spider on a string on the end. Creeping up behind the Guard, who had paused to drink some water from his canteen, she carefully dangled the spider in front of his face. His eyes widened when he saw the hairy mass inches from his nose.

"Ooh! Ryuthela secundaria. You don't see a lot of those around here."

Frowning, Pinkie drew the stick back and whacked the Guard over the head with it. He slumped to the floor, unconscious. As she put the stick back in her pocket, Pinkie spotted a ring of keys on the Guard's belt. Deciding opening the cell door would be easier with those than the diet coke and Mentos that she'd brought, she snatched the keys up and began to trot along the cells, peering inside at the occupants. Not Cheese...not Cheese..."Cheese?"

"Pinkie!" Cheese whisper-shouted in delight, hurrying to the cell door. "You really came for me."

"Of course I did," Pinkie smiled as she unlocked the cell door and opened it. "Now, come on. We're going to sneak out of here, and I have the perfect way to do it." Out of another pocket came another device, which Pinkie quickly unfolded to its full size. Cheese's eyes widened when he saw it.

"The ultimate in stealth devices," Pinkie grinned. "A cardboard box!" Lifting the box up, she placed it over herself and Cheese. Carefully, the two began to sneak down the hallway and towards the back door.

"Are you sure about this, Pinkie?" Cheese asked.

Pinkie turned and gave him a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, I—" Suddenly, there came the sound of approaching hoofsteps.

"Down!" Pinkie hissed, dropping the box to the ground. The two ponies sat still, breath held. The hoofsteps approached, then continued on past without slowing.

"See?" Pinkie said, continuing on their way. "Best plan ever—oof!" she cried out as the box crashed into something. A moment later, the box was lifted up off them, and Pinkie and Cheese looked up to see three Guards glaring down at them.

"Really?" one of the Guards shook his head.

"Back in your cell, Sandwich," another Guard growled. "And you're going with him, young lady."

Author's Notes:

Pinkie, when this is over, you're reimbursing me for this plaster.

"What plaster?"

The plaster I'm using to repair the holes you made in the fourth wall.

Anyway, we've got references galore in this chapter! But how are our two party ponies going to get out of this one? You'll just have to wait and see!

Part 4: Let Loose

The Guards closed in on the two would-be escapees. Cheese and Pinkie cowered, their minds racing. "What do we do? What do we do?!" Pinkie whimpered.

"AAAAAAH!" Cheese suddenly screamed, pointing at something behind the Guards. "IT'S A DISTRACTION!"

The Guards instinctively whirled around, giving Cheese the opportunity he needed to grab Pinkie's tail and zip off before any of them could figure out what had happened.

"Buy some apples, not again!" the sergeant cursed. "After them!" The trio of Guards chased after the escapees, their shouts alerting the other Guards and awakening the sleeping prisoners.

Hmmm. This calls for an appropriate soundtrack.

"This way, Cheese!" Pinkie said, leading Cheese down a hallway with a trio of Guards close behind them. Passing an office door, Pinkie knocked on the door as they ran past. A moment later, the confused secretary opened the door, smacking two pursuing Guards in the face.

Dodging around them, the sergeant pursued his targets down the hallway, turning the corner just in time to see them disappear into one of six doors. He hurried over and opened the door, only to find the room empty. A door opened behind him, and he turned to see Pinkie darting out of the room behind him and into the next door. He hurried over after her, but was nearly bowled over when Cheese bolted through the door and ran into another room. Scrambling back to his hooves, the Guard started to chase after him, but before he could reach the door, the next door opened up, revealing Pinkie Pie behind it. The Guard leapt at her with a frustrated growl, but she slammed the door in his face. A second later, Cheese Sandwich opened the door behind him, casually strolled out, then walked back in before the Guard had a chance to catch up. He tried to open the door, but the handle refused to turn.

"Open that door!" he ordered, pounding on the wood but producing no response. Backing up against the opposite wall, the Guard lowered his shoulder and sprinted forward, aiming to ram the door open.

But just as he was about to reach the door, it opened up wide. Unable to stop in time, the sergeant skidded across the waxed office floor and crashed into the opposite wall, collapsing to the floor in a heap. Immediately, Cheese and Pinkie raced out of the room and back down the hallway, only to find their path blocked by two Guards. "Halt!" one of them ordered.

Instead of halting, Cheese grabbed Pinkie's tail and yanked her down a side hallway, with a half dozen ponies still in pursuit, into the mess hall. The large room had several round tables organized in a regular pattern across the floor, sitting beneath wide balconies for the Guards to provide overwatch.

"Come back here!" a Guard shouted, trying to grab Cheese's tail. Cheese ran away and two Guards began to chase him in a circle around one of the round tables. Pinkie eluded her pursuers by jumping up on the table tops and leaping from table to table, vaulting right over the heads of the frustrated Guards. Getting an idea, she bounced over behind the food counter and snatched up several bananas before leapfrogging over another Guard's head.

Peeling a banana in a blink of an eye, Pinkie tossed the peel behind her as she continued to lead the Guards in a wild chase. One of her pursuers slipped on the peel, bringing both him and his partner crashing to the ground. "That's one!" Pinkie cheered, peeling another banana and tossing the peel behind her. One Guard slipped on the peel and sent it flying into his comrade's face, blinding him and causing him to collide with a table. "That's two!"

"Little rascal!" a unicorn corporal growled, grabbing a peel in her magic and tossing it in front of Pinkie, who was too preoccupied with peeling for another banana to notice. Pinkie stepped on the peel and slipped, performing a full backflip and crashing unceremoniously to the floor. Immediately, a group of Guards surrounded her.

Seeing this, Cheese skidded to a sudden halt, his heart leaping to his throat. Unfortunately, he forgot about the two Guards chasing after him. Not prepared for his sudden stop, they both crashed into him. All three of them tumbled together like a large bowling ball towards the crowd of armored ponies, who didn't see them coming until it was too late. With a loud crash, the entire ensemble tumbled to the floor in a tangled mess of limbs.

Somehow, both Pinkie and Cheese managed to escape the mess before any of the Guards could get up. They both raced out of the mess hall and towards the back door. Bursting out into the backyard, the two party ponies ran to the back fence. Taking out the pogo stick she'd stashed earlier, Pinkie handed it to Cheese. "You first!"

Cheese backed up, took a running start, then bounced over the fence in one leap, landing safely on the other side. "Your turn!" he called to Pinkie, tossing the pogo stick over the fence to Pinkie.

At that moment, the back door burst open and a dozen Guards swarmed outside. "Stop right there!" a sergeant shouted, lighting his horn up threateningly.

Immediately, Pinkie turned around and whipped out her party cannon, aiming it at the Guards. "Take another step and I'll pump you all full of confetti!" she threatened. The Guards stopped in their tracks. A tense standoff began between the two; Cheese Sandwich stared in horror, unable to do anything to help her.

A grin slowly spread across Pinkie's face. With a sudden jerk, she pointed the party cannon down at the ground, jumped and fired. BOOM! A cloud of confetti and smoke erupted across the ground, blinding the Guards. The blowback from the explosion hurled Pinkie up into the air, sending her flying well over the fence with a long "Wheeee!"

"Pinkie!" Cheese shouted, racing after her as she flew across the sky, well away from the jail and its bewildered jailors. Pinkie began to fall, picking up speed as she hurtled towards the ground. Desperately, Cheese looked around for something soft for her to land on and spotted a discarded mattress. Quickly, he dragged the mattress beneath Pinkie Pie just in time: she landed safely with a flumph and a giggle.

"Are you all right?" Cheese asked, helping her up.

"I'm super-doodle!" Pinkie Pie laughed, bouncing up. "Thanks for the assist, Cheese!" She then turned and winked. "Thanks for making sure that prop was there, Josiah."

Told you I wouldn't let you get hurt, Pinkie.

"Thanks for getting me out," Cheese Sandwich said, quickly pulling his orange jumpsuit over his head and tossing it away. "But now what do we do?"

"We take chances, make mistakes, get messy and prove you innocent, of course!" Pinkie declared, her countenance taking on a more serious expression.

"And can we get some cake while we're at it?" Cheese asked.

"Absolutely!" Pinkie agreed. "What's an escape without cake?" The sound of approaching sirens suddenly pierced the air. "But maybe we should discuss this later!" Pinkie and Cheese turned and hurried off, allowing themselves to be swallowed up by the maze of alleyways and back streets of the Canterlot night.

"Well, we've learned one thing from this," Cheese said as they ran.

"What's that?"

"Cardboard boxes are stupid."

"Totally," Pinkie agreed with an eye roll.

The next morning, Twilight called an emergency meeting of her friends. The six of them gathered around the round table of the Rainbow Castle's throne room, all of them looking at one another with concern.

"I'm sure that you all know what we're here for," Twilight opened the meeting, placing a large poster down on the center of the table. At the top of the poster was the word "WANTED" in big, bold letters; right beneath it were two photographs, one of Cheese Sandwich and one of Pinkie Pie. This was one of several dozen posters that had been plastered up about town before dawn.

"Last night, Pinkie Pie went to Canterlot and broke Cheese Sandwich out of jail," Twilight explained. "Both of them are now on the run."

"Oh, Pinkie!" Rainbow groaned in frustration, facehoofing.

"We have to find them before the Guards do," Twilight put forth.

"And do what exactly?" Applejack cut in. "Pinkie and Cheese might be our friends, but hiding from the Guard wouldn't be completely honest; in fact, it might just get us all in trouble."

"Applejack's right," Flash agreed, rubbing his chin in thought. "Twilight, you're a Princess. Can't you give Cheese and Pinkie clemency or something?"

Twilight shook her head. "They haven't committed a federal crime against the crown. I can't legally overturn their accusations."

"Seems to me that the only real way to solve this problem is to prove that Cheese didn't steal that golden chicken," Applejack said.

"Falcon!" Twilight and Rarity corrected through their teeth.

"I agree with Applejack," Fluttershy said. "If we don't prove that Cheese isn't a thief, then we're just prolonging the problem."

"That's true," Twilight nodded in thought.

"Perhaps we should form a two-pronged approach?" Rarity suggested. "Some of us look for Cheese and Pinkie and try to get them to turn themselves in safely, and the rest of us investigate the crime ourselves?"

"That sounds like a good idea," Twilight agreed.

"Can we get Phillip to come along?" Flash asked.

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "I dropped by his house before I came here. There was a note on the door saying that he'd left yesterday for a case in Vanhoover and he didn't expect to be back for a few days."

"Darn," Flash muttered.

"Don't worry about it," Twilight reassured him. She turned back to the others. "There's a train for Canterlot in half an hour. Gather what you need and we'll meet up there in twenty minutes." The ponies stood up and hurried away to gather their gear for the journey. "I'll go tell Starlight and Spike what's going on," Twilight said as she magically summoned her saddlebags to herself.

"Yeah, you do that," Flash frowned.

Deciding to save the lecture about trust for a later time, Twilight trotted down the hallway and into a study room where Starlight spent much of her days. The door was open a few inches, and she looked inside to see Starlight sitting at a crystalline table, reading a book.

"Starlight?" Twilight called out as she entered.

"What's up, Twilight?" Starlight asked, looking up.

"Starlight, we're going to be leaving for Canterlot to help Pinkie Pie. Did you want to come along?"

Starlight shuffled uncertainly. "Um...if it's all right with you, I'd actually rather stay here. Ponyville is my home now, I guess, so maybe I'd better spend some more time with the ponies here..."

"That's all right," Twilight reassured her, giving her a pat on the shoulder. "I'll have Spike stay behind to help you."

"Thanks, Twilight!" Starlight said. Twilight nodded and turned to leave.

Exiting the room, Twilight saw Flash, adorned in full armor with saddlebags strapped tight to both his sides, talking to Spike down the hallway. Flash glanced up at the room that Starlight currently occupied with a deep scowl. "Keep a close eye on her," he said to Spike, who nodded.

"Are you ready?" Twilight asked.

"Packed and ready to go, Your Highness," Flash smiled, kneeling with an exaggerated gesture. Laughing quietly, Twilight patted Spike on the head. "You take care of yourself while we're gone, Spike."

"We'll be all right!" Spike called, waving to them as they flew towards the train station. "Go solve a mystery!"

The clock struck 9:00 as the train pulled into Canterlot station with a squeal of brakes. The group disembarked onto the platform.

"All right, everypony knows the plan," Twilight said. "Fluttershy and Rainbow, you two will begin searching the air around the jail, starting from the south; Flash and I will go north. Rarity, you and Applejack...Rarity, where did that outfit come from?"

"Darling, really," Rarity laughed, adjusting her fedora and smoothing out the front of her scarlet red trenchcoat. "You can't expect me to participate in high-society intrigue without looking the part. Besides, channeling Shadow Spade worked once before; perhaps it shall work again!"

Rainbow half-rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Let's just get going. Cheese and Pinkie are counting on us!"

"We'll see y'all later!" Applejack shouted as she watched the others flying off.

"Come, my dear. Mystery awaits!" Rarity declared, trotting happily up the street in the other direction. Applejack followed, shaking her head.

It didn't take them long to reach Fancy Pants' estate. Trotting confidently up to the door, Rarity rang the bell. The uniformed butler appeared at the door, his eyebrows raising when he saw the guests. "Miss Rarity? This is a surprise."

"Hello, Jervis," Rarity greeted him pleasantly. "Are the lord and lady in?"

"Yes, Miss Rarity, but they are both quite disturbed by the recent events."

"Would you please inform them that we are here to help with the recovery of the Falcon?"

"I shall; I can't imagine they would be displeased to see you. Please wait in the main hall." Jervis escorted the two mares into the main hallway and left down a side hallway. A minute later, he returned and announced, "They shall see you. Please come with me." He guided them down towards the ballroom and gestured them inside. Fancy Pants and Fleur De Lis waited inside, looking forlorn and tired.

"Good to see you again, Miss Rarity," Fancy said with a somewhat forced smile, cleaning his monocle with a hoofkerchief. "And you too, Miss..."

"Applejack, sir," Applejack replied, tipping the brim of her stetson in greeting.

"I suppose you are here to aid in the ongoing investigation?" Fleur asked and gave a small, derisive snort. "It is no use. That Cheese Sandwich attempted to steal the Falcon, certainement."

Rarity looked behind her and saw the empty case where the famed statuette was normally kept. "Where is the Falcon now?"

"The Guard took it," Fancy explained. "They said it was evidence to be used in the trial."

"Seems to me, if you had so many ponies trying to steal it, y'all shouldn't be leaving it out in the open where anypony can find it," Applejack commented. Fancy and Fleur both raised their eyebrows at her. "What? I'm just saying," Applejack said, adjusting the crooked shade on a nearby lamp.

Rarity cleared her throat, taking out a notebook in her magic. "If the Falcon was removed from the case without anypony noticing during that party, it must have been the work of an expert thief."

"Perhaps Monsieur Sandwich has had a lot of practice, stealing from other ponies at his lavish parties!" Fleur exclaimed.

"But it was your friend Encore Performance who suggested Cheese Sandwich, wasn't it?" Rarity asked.

"Encore made an honest mistake," Fancy declared. "He has been one of our longest and most loyal friends, and always has our best interests in mind. When we commented that we wished for something new for our party this year, Encore took that advice to heart and began searching for somepony who could provide us with novelty."

"Hmm," Rarity thought, scribbling notes in her notebook. "What else can you tell us about Encore Performance?"

"He's allergic to legumes. What do you want to know?" Fleur said, rolling her eyes.

"Dear..." Fancy chastised her briefly before returning his attention to Rarity. "I can personally assure you both, Encore Performance, the guests and the servants are all above suspicion. As far as I am concerned, the Falcon was found in Cheese Sandwich's saddlebags; that makes him the primary suspect." He gave them both an uncharacteristically icy look. "Which makes me wonder...why are you so interested in this if your friend was the one who helped him escape?"

"Because, as Shadow Spade would say," Rarity explained, lowering the brim of her fedora as she examined the empty case. "There is always more than what meets the eye."

Meanwhile, on the other side of Canterlot, Scarlet Letter sat before a large oak writing table in a lily white bedroom, her magic guiding a large red quill across the paper, giving birth to more of the poetry for which she was so well-renowned, etched in rose-petal red ink. Inspiration had struck her early that morning and she had spent most of the morning writing, even through breakfast.

There was a knocking at the door. "Come in!" Scarlet sang. The door opened and a small unicorn maid entered. The unicorn had a white coat, a long pink mane with white highlights, green eyes and a cutie mark of a white flower. She carried a package in her pink magical aura. "Madame, it has arrived," the maid said, giving the package to Scarlet.

Scarlet Letter, the famous socialite and poet, squealed like a schoolfilly and snatched up the package, bounding over to the queen bed with its crimson sheets and opening the package with the eagerness of a young colt on Hearth's Warming morning. Inside lay the object of her dreams: a small gold statuette of a falcon in flight, adorned with multicolored jewels that sparkled like the rainbow.

"At last," Scarlet breathed, taking the Muletese Falcon out and admiring it in the sunlight streaming through the window. "Laurier, ensure that the operative in the Guard is well-paid for his loyalty."

"Oui, madame," Laurier de Montagne nodded. However, she paused at the doorway. She hated to give her mistress bad news when she was so happy at her dreams finally coming true after so many failures, but this was important.

"Madame, there is something you must know," she said.

"What is it?" Scarlet Letter said without looking up from her prize.

"One of our spies spotted Princess Twilight Sparkle and several of her friends arriving in town this morning," Laurier continued. "I believe that they are going to search for Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich."

"And that concerns me because?" Scarlet said with a bite of impatience, taking a sip of water from a crystal glass on the bedside table.

"Because Twilight Sparkle and her friends are associates of..." Laurier paused, swallowing nervously, fearful both of the name she was about to speak and her mistress' reaction. "Phillip Finder."

Scarlet Letter's reaction was instantaneous. She sat up in bed as if she had received an electric shock and spat out the drink all over the sheets. "Laurier, please tell me for once in your life, you are joking!" she cried.

"I am not, madame. If his friends are here, then he will not be far behind."

"I know that!" Scarlet snapped, leaping off the bed. Laurier watched in silence as Scarlet Letter paced back and forth, gnawing at her lip as she thought furiously. Slowly, however, her pacing slowed.

"This can be handled," she declared. "I am the leader of the Scarlets: the largest, most powerful family of criminals in Equestria!"

"Indeed," Laurier agreed. "But how shall we deal with this problem?"

"Keep an eye on them," Scarlet said. "And try to find Cheese and Pinkie as well. If they get too close to the truth..." A smile crossed Scarlet's beautiful face. "Perhaps they will have to meet an unfortunate accident."

Author's Notes:

The best-laid plans of mice and ponies often go awry. But I still managed to get this out, and I think we're doing all right.

"I think you're doing great! Although I did want to talk about the next part, where Cheese and I—"

Pinkie, do I need to get the duct tape again?

"Sorry."

Comments are appreciated! Hope you're enjoying!

Part 5: Pernicious Pony Peril

The chiming of a distant clocktower striking three roused Cheese from sleep. He opened his eyes to find himself looking around the shelter that he and Pinkie had found last night: the large, creaky living room of a run-down condo that was empty save for some scattered bottles and other litter and an old, funny-smelling sofa. It was on this sofa that Cheese lay, with Pinkie Pie curled up against him, snoring lightly. The sun shining through the broken window illuminated her coat, making every loose strand of her mane and tail shine.

The sight made Cheese sigh happily, suddenly acutely aware of his heart beating in his chest. Pinkie Pie had grown into quite a beautiful mare from that little silly filly he saw balancing on a ball, juggling rubber chickens. And a strong one, as well; she had braved so much in so few years, and even put herself at risk to help him.

Gently, he reached down and nuzzled her cheek. "Wakey-wakey, Pinkie," he said.

Pinkie blinked, fluttering her eyelashes, and woke up, stretching and yawning. "Good morning, Cheese," she smiled.

"Afternoon, really," Cheese corrected. "We slept a lot."

"Wow, really?" Pinkie looked out the window at the afternoon sun.

"Really." Cheese trotted over to the window and gazed out into the city streets. A few ponies trotted past on the sidewalk, each of them with a place to go and a deadline to meet, paying no heed to their hiding hole. Pinkie walked over and joined him. The two sat in silence for a bit, simply enjoying the feeling of each other's presence, the shared warmth of their bodies.

"So," Cheese finally broke the silence. "Did you actually have a plan on how you're going to prove that I'm not a thief?"

"Of course I do!" Pinkie brightened. "We're going to solve the crime ourselves!"

"While avoiding the Guards chasing after us?" Cheese asked.

"Yup!"

"Simple and to the point. I like it!" Cheese grinned. "It'll be like that radio series about that escaped doctor searching for the one-legged pony!"

"Nah, I was thinking I was more like Jess Horsefeathers," Pinkie said. "You know, that murder mystery author who's also an amateur detective?"

"So what does that make me?" Cheese asked. At that moment, his stomach chose to rumble loudly.

"Hungry!" Pinkie laughed as her stomach growled as well. "And so am I!"

Cheese joined in the laughter. "Maybe we should get something to eat? Can't do detective work on an empty stomach, after all. "

"Sounds good," Pinkie agreed. "But we'll need disguises if we're going to go out in public."

"Hmm..." Cheese looked around saw a dilapidated dresser and an old chest sitting in the corner of the room. Opening them up, he was pleased to discover a collection of old, but still clean clothing. "These should work!" he declared, picking out a long green hooded sweatshirt and a pair of large glasses.

"Perfect!" Pinkie said, picking out a wide-brimmed white hat and a simple yellow summer dress for herself, tucking up her long mane underneath the hat.

A couple minutes later, adorned in their strange gear, the duo emerged out into the streets of Canterlot, on the search for adventure and vittles. They attracted more than a few stares from passing ponies on their way down the sidewalk, but were able to deter any unwanted attention with their gentle smiles.

"Just keep walking, Cheese," Pinkie said out of the corner of her mouth as she nodded to a passing delivery pony. "And pull down your sweater, it's not covering your cutie mark."

"Thanks, Pinkie," Cheese whispered, using his hind leg to pull down his sweatshirt, covering his flanks. As he passed by a telephone pole, he nervously glanced up to see his own face staring back at him, splashed across a wanted poster. He glanced around, but was relieved to see that nopony was paying them any mind. With a quiet sigh of relief, he continued to follow Pinkie.

If he had looked a little harder, he might have noticed a stout unicorn with the cutie mark of a cookie pedaling past on a bike, a bag of groceries slung over his shoulder. The unicorn glanced at the two ponies passing on the other side of the street. They seemed awfully familiar...

A passing wind blew up the stallion's sweatshirt. He quickly hiked it down, but too late: Burt had seen his cutie mark. A grilled cheese sandwich. Burt screeched to a halt, then quickly pedaled around the corner of a building. Peeking around, he watched Cheese and Pinkie walking away, the rusty gears turning in his head as fast as they could. Within a minute, he came up with a solution. With a grin, he got back on his bike and began to pedal after them, keeping a safe distance behind them.

The Applewood Runners had just received a big break.

Wandering into the restaurant district, Pinkie looked around for a place to get something to eat. Her eyes were attracted to a pancake breakfast diner with a flashing neon sign over the doorway. She gestured to Cheese, who nodded in agreement. The two entered the diner and were greeted with the mouthwatering scent of pancakes and maple syrup.

"Hiya, folks!" the generously rotund chef with a cutie mark of a maple syrup jar called from the behind the counter at the head, shouting over the sound of sizzling grills and clattering cutlery. "Just set yourselves up right there and I'll get to you in a jiffy." Pinkie and Cheese took the invitation to sit down on two of the stools in front of the counter, watching the chef flipping golden flapjacks on the grill with increasing appetites. Meanwhile, their pursuer paused outside, parking his bike in a patch of dirt in an unfinished sidewalk while he pondered his movements.

The chef dolled out some flapjacks onto a plate and slid it down the counter to a waiting customer, who licked her chops as she brought her meal to another table. Pulling a notebook and marker out of his apron, he turned his attention to Cheese and Pinkie. "What can I get you two?"

"Do you have pancakes with chocolate chips?" Cheese asked.

"Sure do!" the chef said. "We got pancakes with chocolate chips, blueberries, strawberries..." He paused, looking over the top of his notebook at his two customers as the smile flickered on his face. Was it his imagination, or did those two ponies look kind of familiar...?

"Is something wrong?" Pinkie asked.

"No, nothing!" the chef smiled. "So what'll it be, you two?"

"How about three triple-decker pancakes with everything?" Pinkie asked Cheese.

"Sounds great!" Cheese agreed.

The chef raised an eyebrow, but wrote down their order. "Okay, I'll be right back. Gotta get some supplies." With a nod, he trotted off into the back of the diner, towards the freezers where the extra supplies were stored. But instead of going into the freezer, he passed them and snatched the public phone hanging on the back wall, dialing a number into the rotary dial. The line picked up after only one ring.

"Hello, City Guard?" he muttered into the speaker.

About a half mile north, two City Guards were walking down the street, sipping at their coffee as they watched the world go by.

"Look at 'em, Bumblebee," the dark blue unicorn corporal grunted, brushing his white-gold mane out of his black eyes. "All of them, silently laughing at us for letting those two prisoners escape."

"Don't worry about it, Prowl," his partner, a golden earth pony with a black and yellow striped mane and silvery gray eyes.

"I'm not worried," Prowl said, taking a long gulp of his drink. "The Guard will find those two, I'm sure of it."

"Heh, wouldn't it be something if we were the ones who found them," Bumblebee grinned.

"Hey, Prowl! Bumblebee!" a voice called from up the street. Looking up, the two Guards saw Flash Sentry and Twilight Sparkle trotting towards them.

"Flash!" Bumblebee happily sang out, grasping Flash's hoof and pulling him into a brief embrace. "Long time, no see, mate."

"Good to see you, too," Flash grinned.

Prowl gave a brief but friendly nod to Flash before turning his attention to Twilight, kneeling down before her. "Your Highness, how may we be of service?"

"We're looking for our friends, Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich," Twilight explained. "We're sure that Cheese is innocent; he's not a thief."

"Regardless, your friend should not have broken him out of jail," Prowl replied evenly. "She should have just let us investigate the case properly."

"Yes, well, that's Pinkie for you," Twilight sighed.

"And somepony did steal that Falcon," Bumblebee added.

"What do you mean? You recovered the Falcon, right?" Flash asked.

"Oh, you haven't heard?" Bumblebee explained. "Somepony broke into the precinct last night and stole the Falcon from the evidence locker."

"Really?" Flash said in surprise.

"Look, I don't think it was your friends, either," Bumblebee continued. "I looked over the reports. Something about this whole thing seems fishy to me."

"And the City Guard will get to the bottom of it, I assure you," Prowl cut in.

"I'm sure you will," Twilight said. "We just wanted to tell you: if you do find them, let us know. And try not to hurt them. We have to get to the bottom of all this."

"Of course, Your Highness," Prowl agreed.

"Good hunting, you two," Bumblebee said, waving to Flash as the two of them flapped away.

"You as well!" Flash called as he followed Twilight down the street.

Bumblebee and Prowl continued on their patrol, scanning the passing ponies for anything out of place. But only a few moments after Twilight and Flash had disappeared, their radios crackled to life and the dispatcher's voice resounded in their ears.

"Any available units, please respond to Maple Palace Diner. Possible sighting of wanted fugitives Cheese Sandwich and Pinkie Pie."

The two Guards looked at one another. "Should we go back and get them?" Bumblebee asked, looking in the direction that Flash and Twilight had flown.

"We'll worry about them later," Prowl grunted, clicking his radio on. "Charley Seven and Charley Eight responding. C'mon." Tossing their coffee cups into a trash can, the partners began to hurry down the street towards the diner.

Pinkie Pie doused her deluxe pancakes in maple syrup and began to devour them messily. "Wow, you sure were hungry," the chef said in surprise.

"These are good!" Cheese said, devouring half of his pancake in a single bite.

"Glad to hear that," the chef said, glancing nervously at the front window. It had been five minutes already; where were they? "Just let me know if you two need anything else." Walking back to the griddle, he began to wipe it down compulsively, shooting a glance towards the door every three seconds. Oblivious to all this, Pinkie and Cheese continued to eat.

Meanwhile, outside, Burt continued to wait, standing aside his bicycle. He didn't mind the odd looks he was receiving from passerby so much as the waiting. He just had to wait for them to finish eating and come out so he could follow them to their hideout...

A flash of gold out of the corner of his eyes made him look up, then duck down, hiding his face. Two City Guards were trotting up the sidewalk, rushing without appearing to rush. To his relief, they walked right past him without a second look. To his horror, a moment later, they entered the diner.

Prowl glanced around the diner and spotted the two strangely-dressed ponies at the counter, who were too focused on their meal to notice them entering. Signaling Bumblebee, he proceeded towards them while his partner blocked the door. Prowl tapped Cheese on the shoulder; Cheese turned and greeted him with a nod. "Hey, how are you?" he smiled before returning to his breakfast. Seven seconds later, he stiffened, then slowly turned around again, his eyes wide. Pinkie turned as well.

"Cheese Sandwich, Pinkie Pie," Prowl said. "You need to come with us."

Outside, Burt chewed his lip in thought. Now what? He couldn't afford for his two targets to go back to jail!

"Dammit all," he grunted, reaching beneath his coat and pulling his snub-nosed revolver out of the shoulder holster. Holding the weapon close to his body, he fired two quick rounds into the ground. The thunderous gunshots echoed through the street, sending screaming ponies running for cover.

Distracted by the noise, everypony in the diner looked out towards the front. Taking advantage of this, Pinkie and Cheese both leapt over the counter and pushed past the chef. "Hey!" Prowl shouted, jumping after them.

"Sorry about this!" Pinkie cried to the chef, grabbing a vat of batter and tipping it over so that it spilled over the floor. Prowl slipped in the puddle and crashed to the floor in a sticky mess. "Keep the change!" Pinkie called to the chef, tossing several bits to the befuddled chef as she disappeared out the back door.

Bumblebee hurried over and helped his partner back up to his hooves and chased the two escapees out the back door. "That way!" he shouted, pointing after Cheese's retreating tail up the alleyway. Closing the gap in seconds, Prowl and Bumblebee turned the corner just in time to see their targets vanishing down the alley. "There they—"

WHACK! Both Guards ran right into a solid object and collapsed to the ground, holding their aching heads.

"What the..." Bumblebee raised his hoof forward and found, to his surprise, that the "alley" that he'd seen the two ponies disappearing down was nothing more than a life-size poster tacked up on a brick wall! "But...but..." he stammered in disbelief.

On the rooftop above, Pinkie and Cheese watched their pursuers' confusion. "Nice trick," Pinkie complimented. "Where'd you come up with that?"

"Watch a cartoon once in a while," Cheese shrugged.

The sound of sirens pierced the air. "Time to go," Cheese said, leaping down from the rooftop onto the sidewalk. Pinkie leapt down and followed him.

It wasn't long before the two arrived at their run-down condo, having evaded the incoming Guards. Opening the door for Pinkie, Cheese glanced nervously around the street, seeing nopony except a short, stout unicorn pedaling past on a bike. Zipping in behind her, Cheese closed the door and locked it behind them. "That was close," he sighed, taking the sweatshirt off and tossing it aside.

Pinkie morosely wandered over to the sofa and flopped down on it. "You okay?" Cheese asked, walking over to her and sitting down next to her.

"I'm sorry, Cheese," Pinkie whimpered, her ears flattening against her head. "I've just gotten us both into trouble. I should've...should've just..."

Cheese reached out and gently took Pinkie's hoof. "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, little filly. You're just trying to help." When Pinkie didn't respond, he nestled closer to her. "Don't worry about it. We'll make it through this. And, if it makes you feel better...if I had to choose anypony to go on the run with...it'd be you."

Pinkie's ears perked up. "You mean that?" she asked, a small smile reaching her lips.

"Of course!" Cheese cried. "You're one of the bestest friends a party pony could have!" He paused, blushing. "I, I mean...I'm really glad to be here with you, Pinkie..."

"Aw, shucks," Pinkie said, nesting up against him. The warmth of her body against his and the scent of her cotton candy mane almost made Cheese's heart melt. "And I'm really glad to be here with you, Cheesie!"

Smiling, he cuddled up against her. For a moment, he forgot that he was wanted by the Guard, forgot that he was forced to run and hide for a crime he didn't commit...there was just her and him, nothing else mattered...

Except the distinct click of a gun being cocked. Whirling around, Pinkie and Cheese saw to their shock a group of ponies trotting into the room, all of them armed with guns. At their head was a short, stout unicorn with a cookie cutie mark, holding a pearl-handled snub-nosed revolver, followed by a tall, skinny pegasus with a wheel cutie mark armed with a sawn-off double-barreled shotgun.

"You were right, Burt," the pegasus said in delight. "It is them!"

"Did I tell you, or did I tell you?" the unicorn grinned, aiming his weapon right between Pinkie's eyes. "Now, are you two going to come quietly, or is there going to be trouble?"

Author's Notes:

Out of the frying pan and into the fire! How will Pinkie and Cheese escape from this situation? Will their friends find them in time? Do I actually know what I'm doing?

In the immortal words of a certain unlicensed doctor...I have no idea!

Comments, constructive criticism and faves are appreciated! Hope you're enjoying!

Part 6: You Never See It Coming

Meanwhile, Twilight and her friends reconvened at the town square on the other side of town. "Have any of you found anything?" Twilight asked.

"Sorry, Twilight," Fluttershy shook her head. "Nopony's seen them."

"And we didn't find much at Fancy Pants' place," Applejack reported. "We did find this, though." She pulled out a rubber chicken wearing a bowler hat with a number 2 painted on it. "Must've dropped the poor fella."

"Yes, the case did seem hopeless. With little to go on, there didn't seem to be much hope of finding our strange ponies in a strange land..."

"Rarity, you do know you're doing that out loud, right?" Flash asked.

"Sorry," Rarity blushed. "However, I did find something of note. I—"

"Princess Twilight!" a voice shouted. Turning, the ponies saw Bumblebee sprinting up the street towards them. He skidded to a halt in front of them, panting heavily.

"Been looking for you..." he said in between gasps. "Your friends...sighted at a diner...got away..."

"Tell us on the way," Twilight said. "Come on everypony!" The group raced after Bumblebee, who hurried them across the Canterlot streets until they arrived at the diner. A pair of Guards was standing outside the diner, their polished armor reflecting the harsh colors of the flashing neon sign. Two more Guards were inside, questioning the diner staff and customers.

Prowl, one of the Guards standing post at the door, looked up at their approach. "There you are," he greeted them. "Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich were recognized by the chef here, a Mr. Golden Batter, who called the City Guard. When we responded, Cheese and Pinkie chose to run and they..." He paused, his jaw grinding as if he would rather chew up his words and swallow them than speak, then continued, "...got away from us."

Twilight turned to her friends. "Everypony fan out. They can't have gotten too far away!" The others nodded and spread out to search.

"I want to talk to the chef," Flash said.

"Be my guest," Prowl said, gesturing them inside. Flash and Twilight entered the diner, which had been reduced to quiet chaos. Ponies sat or stood everywhere there was room, some chattering amongst themselves or demanding answers that could not be provided, or simply remained in still silence, unsure what to do or say.

"What are you doing?" Twilight asked Flash.

"The same thing Phillip would do if he were here," Flash answered, approaching the chef, who was mopping up the spilt batter behind the counter. "Mr. Batter?"

Golden Batter looked up briefly, then continued mopping. "What is it? I gotta get this cleaned up."

"Could you please tell us what happened?" Flash requested, pulling out a notebook and pencil.

Batter sighed—he had already told this tale three times before—then began to speak while continuing to mop. "Like I already told you guys, those two came in and ordered some pancakes. Triple-deckers with everything. I recognized them from the wanted posters and called the City Guard."

"When was this?" Twilight asked.

"Bout twenty minutes ago. Anyway, two City Guards got here about five minutes after I called and tried to arrest them. All of a sudden, we heard two gunshots right outside the diner. Everypony looked up, and those two ran off through the back door, leaving this mess." He paused, then reached inside his apron pocket, which jingled with bits. "Least they paid well."

"You didn't see which way they went?"

"Nah. I never had a chance to go after 'em."

Flash chewed the end of his pencil in thought. "You said the gunshots came from out front?" he asked, pointing out the front windows.

"Yeah, I think so," Batter said. "I didn't see where, though: lot going on."

"Did you see anything else odd? Maybe when they came in, you saw somepony following them?"

Batter paused, leaning against the mop as he thought. "Come to think of it, I did see somepony on the street opposite that arrived on a bike around the same time they did and was waiting outside the whole time they were there."

Flash's pencil hung eagerly over the notebook. "Can you describe this pony?"

Batter shrugged. "Short, fat unicorn on a bike. I never took a close look at him."

Flash wrote down some notes. "You've been a big help, Mr. Batter. If you think of anything else to tell us, please contact the City Guard."

"Will do," Batter grunted, resuming his cleaning.

Flash exited the diner, gesturing for Twilight to follow him. They proceeded to the other side of the street, where Flash bent over a patch of dirt at the end of the unfinished sidewalk.

"Look here," he said, pointing at some tracks. The distinct line of a bicycle track could be seen in the dirt. Next to it on one side was a hoofprint, clearly defined; on the other side were two bullet holes in the ground.

"So the pony on the bike was the one who fired the gunshots," Twilight concluded, while Flash pulled a measuring tape out of his saddlebags and began measuring the tracks.

"Short legs, right hoofed, .44 caliber gun, wearing old Quicksilver shoes. He tried to distract the Guards from taking Cheese and Pinkie," Flash added, starting to make a sketch of the bike tracks. "But why?"

"And where'd they go?" Twilight asked, looking up and down the darkening street.

"Let's make the situation clear here. I could care less about your health..."

"Couldn't! You couldn't care less! When you say you could care less, that means you do care!"

"Ah, shut up, you poofy-maned loudbox. What I do care about is this: we know who you were going to give the Falcon to—"

"Whom! Not who, whom!"

"If you don't shut up, I will literally jam this switchblade up your ass sideways!"

"You don't use literally if you mean figuratively! When you ponies use literally wrong, it makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid heads!"

Burt let out a long sigh of frustration. He, Ernie and the rest of the Applewood Runners were gathered around the second story living room of a dingy house, facing Pinkie and Cheese, both of whom were tied to a rickety wooden chair.

"All right, everypony calm down and let's get this straight," Ernie said. "Now, listen, you two. We know Scarlet Letter hired you to steal the Muletese Falcon, and then hired you to get him out of jail."

"What're you talking about?" Pinkie protested, her chair creaking beneath her as she struggled. "He didn't steal that chicken, and nopony hired me! I got him out because he's my friend, and he's innocent!"

Every thug in the room snorted with laughter. "Heh, ain't that cute," a bearded unicorn chuckled through his teeth.

A snake-like smirk spread across Ernie's face. "Look, nopony here's that naive. Nopony ever does anything like that unless there's something in it for them. You—"

He was interrupted by a rumbling noise. The house began to shake from the foundation up, the dirty dishes in the sink rattling loudly as the rumbling grew closer and louder. Outside, there was a deafening whistle as an Underground train trundled slowly through the canal behind the house. After about a minute, the rumbling fell away.

"Jeez. No wonder nopony wanted this house, with all that noise," Burt muttered.

"As I was saying," Ernie picked up. "Scarlet Letter gave you a good offer. The Applewood Runners can give you a better one. You work for us, and we don't kill you." To emphasize his point, he pulled a switchblade knife out of his back pocket and flicked it open. The sharp blade shone in the dim light like fire. Pinkie went very still, staring at the blade in fear.

"Wait!" Cheese cried out. "You can do what you want with me, but leave her alone. Please, just let her go!"

Ernie looked between the two ponies for a few moments, then grinned. "Well, well. You actually do care about her." He stepped closer to Pinkie, leering viciously as he raised the blade. "Which means that you'd hate for her to get hurt."

The thug's sneering face sparked a wave of fury through Cheese Sandwich like he'd never felt before. His heart began to race, every muscle tensed, and his eyes narrowed to slits, blazing like fire as he glared at Ernie. "Leave...her...alone!" he shouted, straining with every ounce of force he could muster against his bonds in an attempt to reach him, to protect Pinkie Pie.

Unfortunately, he was tied too tightly, so all his struggles and grunting and growling succeeded in doing was making him look rather pathetic. The Applewood Runners laughed at him as he squirmed within his ropes. With a furious grunt, Cheese tried throwing all his weight to one side, then the other. To his surprise, this resulted in him losing his balance and falling towards Pinkie. He knocked her over, causing them both to fall to the ground. With a sudden crack, the chair that Pinkie was tied to broke into several pieces from the force of the fall. It took a moment for Pinkie to realize that she was no longer secured; when she did, she leapt up and started to hurry away.

"Hey, stop!" Ernie shouted, leaping after her. Cheese, still lying on the ground, jumped up and bit Ernie's leg, causing him to halt with a cry of pain. "Run, Pinkie, run!" Cheese yelled.

Pinkie did just that, bounding out of the living room and into the kitchen, slamming the door shut behind her and pushing a heavy shelf of canned food over onto it. The door began to shake as the gangsters outside rammed into it. Running to the next door, Pinkie tried to open it, but found to her horror that it was locked. She had to find a place to hide! Looking around frantically, she spotted an old icebox and clambered into it, closing the top just as the door burst open. Ernie and two other thugs rushed into the room, blades at the ready, and spread out to search.

"Where'd you go?" one of them snarled, throwing open the pantry and peering inside.

"Come out, little filly," Ernie sneered, passing his knife from hoof to hoof as he wandered around the room. His eyes turned to the icebox and a smirk spread across his lips. Slowly, he started to walk towards the icebox. Watching him approach through the narrow slit of the top, Pinkie quailed in fear, her trembling amplified by the rumblings of another approaching train.

Suddenly, the opposite door was kicked open with an almighty crash. Everypony whirled around to see three ponies, all clad in black, rushing into the room. One of them immediately snapped his foreleg out, tossing a throwing knife directly into Ernie's chest. He grunted in pain, staring down at the weapon in shock for a moment before dropping to the ground. The other two intruders took down the other Applewood Runners before they had a chance to react. Moving right past Pinkie's hiding place, the black-clad ponies charged into the living room.

Burt and the two goons with him stood little chance. Burt tried to draw his revolver, but the lead intruder, a unicorn, hit him with a concussive spell that sent him flying out the window, crashing down onto the roof of the passing train. One of the other Applewoods reached for a knife on the table, but got beaten down with a crowbar for his trouble; the other Applewood immediately dropped to the ground, raising his hooves in surrender. One of the intruders glared down at him for a moment, then knocked him out with a stomp to the head.

Cheese watched all this helplessly, still lying on the ground, tied to the chair. "Who are you? What's going on?" he demanded.

Without a word, one of the black-clad ponies cut Cheese loose from the chair and immediately pinned him down the ground, binding his hooves behind his back. "Hey! What are you doing?!" Cheese protested.

"Quiet!" the kidnapper snapped, gagging Cheese with a length of cloth and placing a black hood over his head. Lifting Cheese up onto his back, he gestured to his two partners and hurried out the front door.

Hearing their retreating hoofsteps, Pinkie jumped out of her hiding place and hurried to a window just in time to see the three ponies tossing Cheese into the back of a box-shaped motorized carriage. Each of them jumped into the vehicle, which started up with a grinding noise and trundled away.

"No, no, no, no!" Pinkie cried, jumping out the window and hurrying after the carriage, but it was too fast: with a motorized grumble, the vehicle disappeared around the corner. "Cheese!" Pinkie screamed in desperation.

"Hey, keep it down!" a voice shouted back from a nearby window.

Pinkie simpered on the sidewalk. "What do I do now?" she asked quietly. Suddenly, fear and desperation turned into anger and she whirled around. "How could you do this?!"

Pinkie, calm down. It's part of the story. Everything's under control.

"Getting my friend kidnapped was part of the story?!"

Yes. And now it's time for your part.

"My part?" Pinkie straightened up. "Right! My part is to go after them and save Cheese!"

Uh, no, Pinkie. That's not your part. Your part is—

"You're not the boss of me!" Pinkie screeched. "I can't just stand here while those goons have Cheese!" She glared at the author, who cringed under her fury.

Pinkie, you'd be going up against an army by yourself. Worse, you'd be going into unscripted territory. If you got in trouble, I might not be able to help you! And besides, how are you going to find those guys?

"I..." Pinkie looked around helplessly. "I don't know." Suddenly, she brightened up as an idea struck her. "But you can! You can help me find them!"

No, Pinkie. I can't risk going off-script like that; it's too dangerous. I...Pinkie, no. Don't give me the puppy-dog eyes.

"Please?" Pinkie begged, jutting her lower lip out. "I have to help Cheese! He's my friend, and I...and I love him." The realization washed over like the oncoming tide. Her hooves tingled and her heart shivered in her chest. She remembered Cheese's warm touch, his smile, his infectious laugh. Every one of those things a precious aspect, like one of the many faces of a dazzling jewel. The thought of him hurt was more than she could bear.

"Josiah...please," she whispered, looking down at the ground as tears slowly dripped from her eyes.

...

All right. Take another look at the street.

Pinkie peered closely at the paved street and spotted something that made her heart leap. The motorized carriage that had taken Cheese away must have had an oil leak, for right there in the middle of the road was a trail of thick, black puddles.

"Thanks, Josiah," Pinkie said, standing up tall with a determined expression. "Now, come on! Let's write a story!" In a blur of pink, she hurried down the street, following the trail like a bloodhound on a hot scent for adventure.

"Don't worry, Cheese. I'm on my way!"

Author's Notes:

I hope Pinkie knows what she's doing.

Heck, I hope I know what I'm doing.

I really don't think I do.

Part 7: An Attempt at Rescue

Scarlet Letter languished in her bathtub, allowing her worries to dissolve away into the warm, scented, bubble-topped water. Reaching out with her magic, she placed her favorite classical record in the player and started it up, then lit up a stick of lavender incense. With a sigh, she settled back against the edge of the tub. For a few moments of the day, she wasn't a famous novelist and poet, or the secret head of Equestria's largest criminal organization; she was just a simple mare, content to let the world go on without her for a while, having a little "me" time.

However, her private session was interrupted by a knocking at the door. "Come in," she sighed.

Laurier entered the bathroom. "Pardon, madame. I just wanted to tell you, the strike team has returned with Cheese Sandwich. However, they didn't find Pinkie Pie."

Scarlet thought for a moment. "Don't worry about her. Having him is enough."

Laurier hovered at the door. "Madame, if I may ask...why do you want to hold him hostage?"

"Two reasons, Laurier," Scarlet answered. "One, if the Guards did catch up to him, there is a chance that our involvement in this could come out during his questioning. I had originally intended to get rid of him while he was imprisoned and let all the blame fall on him, but thanks to...outside involvement...we had to adapt our strategy.

"Secondly, leverage. If we have him as a hostage, we could use him to persuade his friends to back off if they get too close."

Laurier nodded. "That makes sense, madame."

"I'm glad you think so," Scarlet dryly commented. "Now, please make sure our guest is comfortable and leave me to enjoy this."

"Oui, madame," Laurier bowed, exiting the bathroom.

After her maid had left, Scarlet turned and faced the ledge of the tinted one-way window. Sitting upon the ledge was the Muletese Falcon, glittering in the low candlelight. The most desired prize in the Equestrian underworld, and it was hers now. Nopony on this Earth was going to take it from her, especially not some fool party planner. Its charm of good fortune would encircle her, protect all her endeavors. Closing her eyes once more, Scarlet Letter sank back into the warm water. All her troubles would soon be over.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash flew side by side, swooping low over the Canterlot train yards. "We're never going to find them out here," Rainbow was saying, scanning the rails and empty train cars beneath her for any sign of her friends.

"We still have to keep trying," Fluttershy responded. "They have to be somewhere around here and we...hey, look down there!" Fluttershy suddenly dove down towards the ground. The still body of a unicorn stallion was sprawled on top of a boxcar, his head laying in a small puddle of blood. Fluttershy bent over him in concern, checking his pulse on his neck.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" she asked. The unicorn groaned feebly but did not wake up. "Rainbow, go get an ambulance!"

Rainbow, however, was examining the unconscious pony before her. The stout stallion had short legs and was dressed in a dull gray open jacket. Underneath the jacket, Rainbow could see an empty shoulder holster. And painted across the pony's hind legs and on his hooves was a distinctive dull brownish mud, like the sample that Flash had shown them. Could this be...?

"Rainbow! Ambulance!"

"Right!" Rainbow started, dashing off to find help. Once this pony was taken care of, she should probably find the others. They might have finally found a lead.

Pinkie Pie continued to follow the trail of oil splatters down the streets of Canterlot, leaving the richer estates and entering the middle-class districts. The path guided her left, right, left again, straight through a four-way, and then off a side street before finally halting in front of a blue two-story cottage with an attached garage, surrounded by oak trees. A single oil puddle stood out on the worn dirt driveway like a wine stain on a white dress shirt. Checking around to make sure that nopony was watching, Pinkie Pie began to creep up on target, zipping behind bushes and trees in a blur of pink motion. Peeking out behind the thin sapling that she was impossibly hiding behind, she craned her head up and looked through the window of the garage. Inside was the motorized carriage!

"Gotcha," she grinned.

Suddenly, there was the sound of a door opening. Pinkie immediately ducked back behind the sapling as an unicorn stallion in a loose black jacket exited the house through a back door, wandering into the backyard. Sighing, he reached into his pocket and extracted a cigarette with his magic, putting it into his mouth. He then pulled out a lighter and held it up, flicking it a futile attempt to get a flame. "Oh, come on," he groaned.

"Here," a voice said. The stallion turned to see somepony behind him holding up a lit match.

"Thanks," he grunted, holding his cigarette up to the flickering flame, puffing contentedly on the smoke. Seven seconds later, his eyes widened in shock and the cigarette fell from his mouth as he recognized the other pony.

"Hi, there!" Pinkie smiled. "Didn't anypony tell you smoking's bad for you?"

The thug responded by trying to grab her, but Pinkie ducked and tripped him up, causing him to fall flat on his face. In an instant, Pinkie had pounced on him, pressing her foreleg against his neck so he couldn't shout.

"What did you do with my friend?" she demanded.

"I'm not telling you squat!" her prisoner growled back.

"Yes you will!" Pinkie replied.

"No I won't!"

"Yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"Yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"No you won't!"

"Yes I will!"

"No you won't!"

"Yes I will! We took your friend into the secret hideout hidden inside the house—" The thug stopped, his expression melting into one of bewilderment at being tricked so easily.

"Where's the secret hideout? How do I get in?! Tell me!" Pinkie ordered.

The thug responded by trying to shove Pinkie off him, taking in a breath to shout for help. Instantly, Pinkie pulled a frying pan out from behind her back and smacked her prisoner over the head, knocking him out with a clanging sound. She paused for a moment, listening for any sign that anypony had heard her, but all was quiet.

"Okay," she said to herself. "Just gotta find the secret entrance to the secret hideout inside there. Easy." She sucked her lower lip. "But how do I find the secret entrance? The whole point of a secret entrance, after all, is that it's...secret."

Quiet as a temple mouse, she snuck up to the house, creeping around to the back door. Carefully, she peeked up over the edge of the back window into the kitchen. Two other goons were sitting inside, both of them polishing off what remained of a small pasta meal. Tossing his dishes into the sink, one of them headed over to a dusty bookcase against the wall.

"Okay, I'm ready to go into the secret hideout!" he loudly declared. "Pull the lever to open the entrance!"

"Okay, I'm pulling this lever, right here, to open the hidden entrance!" his buddy shouted, walking over to a hanging painting on the wall. Pulling the painting aside, he revealed a hidden cavity in the wall with a small lever inside it, which he pulled. With a creaking and groaning, the bookcase moved aside, revealing a secret elevator.

"Thanks for pulling the lever!" the first goon said, stepping into the elevator and pressing a button on the wall. "Now I can get into the secret hideout!"

Pinkie gave the author a withering look. "I know when I'm being mocked, Josiah."

You asked how to find it.

Rolling her eyes, Pinkie looked through the window again. The bookcase slid shut and the first thug disappeared. With a yawn, his partner stretched and exited the room, turning out the light behind him. Taking advantage of this opportunity, Pinkie crept over to the back door, extracting a bobby pin from her mane.

"Been a long time since I've had to pick a lock," she muttered to herself, kneeling at the doorknob.

Uh, Pinkie?

"Don't worry. This is one of the fastest ways to open a door!"

A faster way would be to try turning the doorknob.

Blinking, Pinkie reached up and turned the knob. The door, which hadn't been shut all the way, opened easily. "Oh. Thanks." Walking on tiphoof, Pinkie snuck over to the painting and moved it aside to reveal the hidden lever, which she pulled. After a few moments, the bookcase moved aside to reveal the secret elevator. Stepping inside, she pressed the button on the wall. The bookcase slid shut and the elevator started to trundle downwards. Quiet jazz music played over a speaker in the elevator as she descended deep underground.

Finally, with a ding, the elevator halted and the doors opened up to reveal an underground tunnel lined with dark purple crystals. Pinkie recognized these as part of the caves beneath Canterlot that Chrysalis had imprisoned Cadance and Twilight in during Shining Armor and Cadance's wedding. Darting behind a crystal stalagmite, Pinkie peeked ahead to make sure the coast was clear, then silently hurried forward.

"Hang on, Cheesie," she whispered, knowing that somehow, her friend could hear her. "I'm coming!"

"This is where we found him," Fluttershy said, gesturing to the small puddles of drying blood atop the boxcar as the others gathered around.

Flash stooped to examine the puddle, then looked around. "No bloodstains anywhere on the ground. Looks like he fell right on top of this car."

"It most likely is the pony who distracted the Guards from taking Cheese and Pinkie," Twilight explained.

"Is he going to be all right?" Applejack asked.

"The doctors said that he should be all right, but it might be a while before he wakes up," Fluttershy replied.

"And when he does, I'm going to have some questions for him," Rainbow growled. "Like what he did with Pinkie and Cheese!"

"We can try to figure that out ourselves here," Flash said. He paused, examining the boxcar roof more closely. "There's little shards of glass all over here. Looks like our suspect was thrown out a window and landed on this car."

"If we find out what train this car was attached to, we can follow the train's path back and find out where they were hiding," Rarity suggested.

"And maybe find Pinkie and Cheese as well," Rainbow agreed.

"Exactly what I was thinking," Twilight said, already turning. "Come on, everypony!" She led the way towards the nearby records office, hoping that they had reorganized since the last time she was there.

A light shone through ahead through the dark tunnel. Pinkie darted ahead and pressed her back up against a wall. Carefully, she peeked around the corner and gaped at what she saw.

Before her was a huge cavern, carved out of the crystalline rocks, stretching as far as she could see. Scaffolding ran from wall to wall and railway lines carried carts down dark tunnels; the cavern was so large that there were even maps and signs! There were over a dozen mooks all over the cave, napping on hammocks, preparing meals in a kitchen, storing ill-gotten gains in crates, sparring with each other, or simply sitting and talking.

Darting from hiding place to hiding place, Pinkie crept closer and closer to the center of the cavern. Peeking over the top of a large crate, she scanned the area.

There! Cheese was sitting in a cage, his hooves bound and looking utterly miserable. Nopony was paying any attention to him.

"Okay, Pinkie," she whispered to herself. "Time to think of a plan."

"Is not getting caught part of the plan?" a voice behind her asked.

"Of course it is," Pinkie replied. "Getting caught would ruin the whole..." Her voice slowed to a halt and she slowly turned around. A thug was standing right behind her, smirking down at her.

"Hey, guys, we got a visitor!" he called.

While he was distracted, Pinkie braced herself against the crate and kicked backwards with both legs, sending the guard flying back. Leaping up, Pinkie jumped off the crate, pulling a pair of cream pies out from behind their back and tossing them out, striking another two foes in the face; simultaneously, she spun and kicked out, knocking another enemy down before he had a chance to get his guard up.

"Pinkie!" Cheese cried in surprise.

"Hi, Cheese!" Pinkie grinned, doing a cartwheel around an attacking thug and kicking him in the back. Another mook charged at her with a baseball bat. Pinkie ducked beneath it and swung her leg in an outwards crescent, striking her opponent across the jaw, then spun and took out another enemy with a spin kick to the chest. A lance-carrying thug ran at Pinkie, parrying both her kicks before swiping at her head. Dropping low, Pinkie swept his leg out and kicked him in the gut, then quickly did a quick pair of hoofsprings to avoid an incoming pegasus, giggling all the time. "This is fun!" she declared as she jumped up and kicked the pegasus in the face.

"What's going on here?!" another voice, a female, suddenly shouted. Turning, Pinkie saw a white unicorn with a pink and white mane and the cutie mark of a mountain laurel flower rushing up to her, looking angry. The newcomer glared around at the defeated thugs in disgust.

"Crétins incompétents!" she snarled. "You let yourselves be defeated by one pony?"

Realizing that this must be a higher up, Pinkie glared at her. "Let my friend go!" she demanded.

Laurier de Montagne smirked. "Bien sûr. The key to his cage is right there." She tilted her head, pointing at a key hanging off a hook nailed to the scaffolding near Cheese's cage. "Would you like it?"

"Well...yeah," Pinkie nodded. "You're going to just give it to me?"

Laurier chuckled heartily, shaking her head as if she was dealing with a foolish child. "No. If you want that key..." Suddenly, she snapped up to stand on her hind legs, raising her forelegs into a fighting stance and sweeping her mane back out of her face. "You shall have to get through me first."

Pinkie rose up on her hind legs and began to approach Laurier, dancing from one hoof to another and bobbing her head as she did so. Laurier remained still, her gaze relaxed but focused on Pinkie. Cheese watched helplessly from inside his cage, biting his lower lip in worry.

In a burst of motion, Pinkie rushed forward and aimed a high kick at Laurier's head. Laurier easily blocked it. Immediately, Pinkie retracted her leg, feinted a head thrust, and kicked out again. Laurier blocked the attack, sidestepping around Pinkie. Pinkie spun around and kicked, but Laurier's double punch hit her first, knocking her back.

"Is that the best you can do?" Laurier taunted, charging forwards with further attacks and forcing Pinkie back. Laurier snapped out a powerful kick; Pinkie tried to do a cartwheel out of the way, but Laurier retracted her leg and kicked Pinkie in the middle of her cartwheel, sending her flying back and knocking her to the ground.

"Pinkie!" Cheese cried in alarm.

Grunting and growling in frustration and pain, Pinkie got back to her hooves and leapt at Laurier again, snapping out a powerful series of kicks and spins. Laurier dodged and blocked every one. Pinkie tried to hit her with a roundhouse kick, but Laurier closed in and swept Pinkie's leg out from beneath her, knocking her to the ground. Instantly, Laurier aimed a stomp at her; Pinkie rolled away and hurried back to her hooves, but was immediately seized in a clinch. Pinkie struggled to get out of the grip, but was winded by a pair of knee strikes to her stomach that left her staggered. Laurier pushed the dazed Pinkie back, then wound up and kicked her hard in the chest. Pinkie flew backwards and smashed into the scaffolding wall, where she collapsed to the ground, unmoving.

"No!" Cheese called, gripping the bars of his cage in horror.

With a satisfied grunt, Laurier smoothed out the front of her coat and shook her mane out. The other thugs gathered around Pinkie, all of them smirking. All of them had their guards lowered; now it was time for Pinkie to...

Pinkie?

Pinkie, get up!

Pinkie! PINKIE!

Author's Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4agDHw4NuLk

What have I done?

Part 8: The Party of Pain

Twilight, Flash, Rainbow, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rarity followed the train rails north, winding around the middle-class suburbs of Canterlot as they searched for any sign of a house with a recently-broken window.

"Are you sure about this, Flash?" Applejack asked from near the front of the group. "There's got to be a lot of other ways that pony could've ended up on that train car."

"It's the most likely way he wound up on that," Flash said from near the rear of the group. Looking back over her shoulder, Applejack saw that Flash was flapping along beside Twilight, who had her face buried in a railroad map of Canterlot. Flash was peering around at the houses that bordered the railway, but Applejack noticed that his eyes weren't focused on the houses. She slowed her pace to walk alongside him.

"You all right?" she asked.

"I'm fine," Flash said. "I just..." He sighed quietly. "I kind of wish Phillip were here. He'd know what to do."

"Well, he's not here," Applejack pointed out. "We are. And Pinkie's depending on us to do this."

"That's the thing," Flash admitted. "Pinkie's depending on us...depending on me. If I mess up..." He trailed off, unable to articulate the thought.

"Flash, you need to keep calm," Twilight said, laying a hoof on his shoulder. "You're not any help to anypony if you're doubting yourself." She smiled at him. "Flash, you don't need to worry. You've solved plenty of cases, some of them on your own. And you've got us helping you out. So you don't need to worry: we're going to find them."

Flash managed a smile back. "Thanks, guys." He leaned in and gave Twilight a grateful kiss on the cheek, causing her to blush.

"Not the time, you two!" Rainbow called from the head of the group. "Besides, I think I found our house!" She pointed up to a two-story house standing up on the top of the canal they were currently walking through. One of the second-story windows was smashed wide open. Looking down, Flash saw several shards of glass on the ground beneath their hooves, some of them stained with blood.

With a flash of purple magic, Twilight teleported the group up to the street in front of the house. "C'mon, let's get in there!" Rainbow declared, winding up to kick the door open.

"Hold your horses, Rainbow Dash!" Applejack shouted, grabbing Rainbow's tail in her mouth. "Let's take this slow."

Twilight walked up to the door and knocked loudly. "Hello? Is there anypony in there?"

The only response was silence. Twilight frowned. "Now what?"

"Stand back!" Rainbow called, preparing to smash the door open.

"Wait!" Fluttershy cut in. "I have an idea; I'm going to try to talk them out."

Flash looked between the two mares, considering his options. Fluttershy looked nervous; good-hearted as she was, she was no negotiator. Knocking in the door would certainly be easier, but he had no idea what was on the other side, and no matter what, there was a good chance that somepony could get hurt if they just charged in.

Finally, he nodded to Fluttershy. "Be careful what you say to them."

Fluttershy moved to stand to the side of the door. Flash and Twilight stood next to her, Twilight preparing her magic and Flash half-drawing his baton.

"We're here because of your friend!" Fluttershy called through the door. "He led us here. Is there anypony else inside that's hurt?" There was no response from inside. "Listen to me, please. We just want to help and find our friends. Nopony else needs to get hurt. Just let us in peacefully, and nopony else will get hurt tonight."

Still nopony answered. The ponies looked at one another in uncertainty. Flash was about to signal Rainbow Dash to kick the door open when there was the sound of locks being removed and the door opened a crack. A single green eye peeped out.

"Look...we don't want any trouble," said a voice. "Just...we need to get him some help." A bearded unicorn opened the door wider and gestured them inside with a jerk of his head, clutching his broken foreleg to his chest as he limped inside.

"Nice work, Fluttershy," Twilight praised her friend as they entered. "But how'd you know to—?"

"It wasn't hard to guess that somepony else might be hurt," Fluttershy shrugged. "And criminal or not, they do deserve help."

The group entered the living room of the house. Two splintered chairs lay in a pile on the floor, along with some rope. Five ponies sat around the room, all of them bloodied and injured. A skinny pegasus lay on the sofa, a throwing knife embedded in his heaving, blood-stained chest. Fluttershy immediately hurried over to him as he raised his head.

"Where's my brother?" the injured pegasus feebly groaned.

"He's at the hospital, he's all right," Twilight reassured him.

"It's a good thing you didn't try to take this out yourselves," Fluttershy commented, ripping up several sheets and bandaging the pegasus' chest. "You probably would've killed him if you had."

"We couldn't really bring him to a hospital," one of the thugs said, wincing and clutching his ribs as he spoke. "We're wanted felons, after all."

"What happened here?" Applejack asked, looking around the room, her eyes moving up to the smashed window at the back of the room.

Flash knelt near the pile of smashed chairs and examined a pair of hairs on the floor. One was bright pink and smelled of cotton candy; the other was dark chocolate brown and smelled of cheese. Looking into the kitchen, he spotted a smashed-open back door and blood trails leading into the living room.

"I think I can guess what happened," he said. "You had our friends here, but somepony else broke in here, busted you up, and took them away." He looked directly at the pegasus, whom he had pegged as the leader. "Who were they? Who took our friends?"

The pegasus grunted at him. "I don't know, and if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"You're lying, partner," Applejack glared at him, stepping forward.

"So what?" the pegasus sneered. "What're you gonna do about it? Twist the knife a little? You can't do anything to me."

"It ain't what we can do to you. It's what the law can do," Applejack said, crouching in front of him. "You see that mare over there?" she asked, pointing at Twilight. "That is a Princess of Equestria, and the two ponies that you kidnapped happen to be friends of hers. You're already in a heap of applesauce for kidnapping them; if you withhold information that leads to them getting hurt or even dying, then you might as well kiss any chance of seeing daylight again goodbye. And another thing," she added, leaning in closer as her eyes narrowed. "That mare might be a cousin of mine. And if whoever has her has hurt one hair on her mane because you didn't tell us what you know right now, then you'll wish that getting stabbed was the worst thing that ever happened to you! And believe me: that is Celestia's honest truth!"

The pegasus stared back wide-eyed at Applejack and swallowed nervously. "It was the Scarlets. The same ponies who hired them to steal the Falcon. Scarlet Letter must've wanted them back."

"Scarlet Letter?" Rarity asked in surprise. "The famous poet?"

One of the thugs snorted. "Also one of the biggest crime lords in Equestria. She's the one who got the plan to steal the Falcon."

"And now she's the one who has our friends," Twilight said determinedly.

"They took your friend in a motorized carriage," the wounded pegasus said, pointing out the window. "I saw them. They headed down the street that way. I'm sure you could find some way to follow them."

"Thank you," Twilight said.

"Don't thank me," the thug grunted through his teeth. "I'm not doing this for you. I'm just doing this to stick it to that bitch."

Flash frowned. "There's a callbox outside. I'll call the City Guard and an ambulance, and then we can get after Pinkie."

"All right," Twilight nodded. "Come on, everypony!"

"That's the end of it," Laurier declared to the Scarlet thugs, tossing her mane back as she turned and left, stepping up onto an elevator that would take her back to Scarlet Letter's mansion. "Bind her. I shall inform the madame what has happened."

Cheese helplessly watched from inside his cage as the thugs began to tightly bind Pinkie to one of the columns of the scaffolding. Her attempt to rescue him had failed. There was no hope for him now; nopony was coming to save him.

Suddenly, he spotted something on the ground by the thugs' hooves: the key to his cage! It must have fallen off the wall when Pinkie was knocked into it. Quick as a wink, while the goons were distracted, Cheese flicked his tail out and snatched the key up into his hooves.

Now he had to get untied. He began to carefully rummage around to search for something to free himself. Unfortunately, he only had a few items left...some loose candies, leftover confetti and balloons, spare cartridges for the party tank...

The Get Out of Jail Free card!

Glancing around to make sure nopony was watching him, Cheese slid the card into his mouth and began to use it to saw at the cord binding his front hooves. The stiff cardboard began to slowly cut through the fibers. Having finished tying Pinkie, the thugs returned to their tasks. Nopony paid him any mind, believing him to be secure in his cage.

There! The cords finally broke! Quietly, Cheese untied his hind legs, then took the key and carefully inserted it into the lock, unlocking it and slowly pushing the cage door open. Silently, he snuck out of the cage, carefully watching the nearby thugs to make sure that none of them looked his way. Moving on tiphoof, he crept over to Pinkie. Quickly and quietly, he began to untie her.

"Pinkie!" he whispered urgently. "Pinkie, wake up!" Pinkie groaned quietly, but didn't wake up.

"Hey! How'd he get out?"

Whirling around, Cheese saw the goons all rushing towards him. He was outnumbered at least eight to one, and all of them were bigger and bulkier than him, a number armed with knives, sticks and hatchets. Glancing around, Cheese spotted a wooden box, loaded with heavy-looking gold bars. With a furious grunt, he grabbed the box and hurled the heavy weight at the head of one of the goons, who didn't duck until it was too late. The flying box hit him right on the forehead, causing him to stagger and collapse into the pile of gold bars, out cold.

Invigorated by this one small victory, Cheese Sandwich let out a loud bellow and charged, tackling another thug to the ground and punching him in the face. Leaping up, he swung hard again, connecting with a glass jaw and sending another thug sprawling.

I'm winning! he thought in elation.

With a yell, one of the Scarlets ran forward and slashed a knife at Cheese's face, forcing him to duck. Another attacker swung a club at him, sending him stumbling back. Not watching where he was going, Cheese tripped over a pile of counterfeit bits and fell to the ground. Instantly, the entire troupe was on him like a swarm of bees, aiming to kick him into the ground. Desperate, Cheese began to swing and kick and bite at everything he could reach, determined to get back to his hooves. His hoof connected solidly with somepony's nose, sending them reeling away, but for every pony that he pushed back, two took their place. The blows came from every direction, slipping past his attempts to shield himself, knocking him down every time he tried to get back up. A particularly hard swing to his jaw sent him sprawling to the ground, stars dancing across his field of view as all his strength left him.

A sudden whistle pierced the air. Everypony turned to see Pinkie Pie standing a few feet away, grinning widely. She was holding something in her hooves: a small blue cannon with a pink mounting.

"Say hello to my little friend!" Pinkie sneered, grabbing the trigger cord and pulling. Her party cannon went off with a loud bang, sending confetti flying out at high velocity. Cheese, who was on the ground, was safe from the blast. The thugs weren't so lucky: the blast sent them all hurling through the air, crashing into the scaffolding. The beams cracked and the scaffolding collapsed on top of them, pinning them to the ground. "My leg!" came a pained groan from beneath the rubble.

Pinkie tucked away her party cannon and hurried over to Cheese, helping him back up. "Are you all right?"

The touch of Pinkie's hoof in his made Cheese forget his injuries: a lightness of elation spread through his body and he smiled. "I'm okay. What about you?"

"Nothing a little aspirin won't fix," Pinkie said, rubbing the back of her head. She nuzzled Cheese, still holding his hoof. "Thanks, Cheesie."

"You're the one who rescued me," Cheese pointed out.

"I couldn't have rescued you without your help!" Pinkie said. "We—" Suddenly, Pinkie's eyes widened. Back itch, right eye wink twice, hind leg shiver...

"Look out!" Pinkie cried, pulling Cheese to the ground behind a table. At the same moment, two gunshots cracked out, piercing through the air inches above Cheese and Pinkie's heads.

A few feet away, Laurier de Montagne glared at the two ponies, a smoking pearl-handled pepperbox revolver floating beside her head in a magical aura. "You two are becoming extremely annoying," she called. "I'm going to give you exactly one chance to surrender. Give up now, and I will permit you to live."

Cheese and Pinkie looked at one another for a moment, and both of them saw the same determination in each other's eyes. "Cheese, we can't fight her face-to-face," Pinkie whispered. "We're going to have to use some good old-fashioned surprise party planning ingenuity. Are you with me?"

Cheese held out his hoof. "Always." Pinkie shook his hoof firmly, a grim look crossing her face.

Laurier slowly stalked closer to her targets' hiding place, her weapon held ready to fire. There was no sign of any movement from behind the table. She paused for a moment, then hurled the table aside in her magic.

BANG!

A blast from the party cannon sent Laurier stumbling back, her revolver flying from her grip. By the time she had recovered, both Pinkie and Cheese had disappeared. "Where did you...?" Laurier growled, retrieving her gun, shaking herself off and setting off in pursuit of her prey.

A few feet away, Cheese and Pinkie hid behind some of the scaffolding against the wall. "Nice start," Cheese whispered, peering around the corner. "What next?"

"I've got a plan set up already," Pinkie explained, pointing. "See that cargo net there? If we can lure her onto it and trigger the rope over there, she'll get caught up in it!" She snickered. "Great idea, huh?"

"Yes, splendid idea."

Pinkie Pie's eyes widened into an expression of dread as she slowly turned around. Laurier was standing right behind her, the pepperbox aimed directly between her eyes. "Au revoir," Laurier sneered, slowly squeezing the trigger.

"No!" Cheese screamed, rushing forward, but knowing it was already too late. He watches, as if in slow motion, as the hammer of the weapon reared back and snapped forward.

BOING!

Instead of a bullet, a blast of confetti shot out of the gun, accompanied by a red flag that read "Bang!" in bright white lettering. Laurier stared at the toy weapon in slack-jawed bewilderment.

"Looking for this?" Pinkie smirked, twirling the real pepperbox in her hoof. She tossed the weapon aside. "Now, let's settle this like—"

Pinkie's offer was interrupted when Laurier struck her across the jaw with the toy weapon hard enough to knock her to the ground. Turning, Laurier started to charge at Cheese, gritting her teeth in anger as she drew her hoof back to strike.

Cheese looked at Pinkie's crumpled form, a bruise forming on her jaw. His anger burned in his chest. These thugs had framed him, hounded him, kidnapped him, and worst of all, they hurt Pinkie Pie. Nopony crossed Cheese Sandwich's friends and got away with it.

Laurier growled and charged forward, her hooves slicing through the air. Cheese ducked, then cartwheeled out of the way. Laurier pursued him, her limbs whirling. Cheese vaulted over some barrels, spinning through the air to land a safe distance away. Laurier pursued Cheese, who leapt and tumbled away from every attack like an expert acrobat on a stage. Rolling away from another attack, Cheese stuck out his leg, causing Laurier to trip and fall flat on her face. Growling, she rolled over to get back to her hooves and immediately froze.

Cheese was standing over her, the pepperbox revolver held tight in his hoof and aimed at her face. Cheese's expression was carved from stone as he held his foe at gunpoint. "You hurt her," he said in a quiet growl.

Laurier glared defiantly at him. "Don't think you frighten me, Monsieur Sandwich. You won't pull that trigger; you're too nice, too caring. You are not capable of killing."

Cheese smirked. "You're wrong about one thing." And with that, he took careful aim and fired. The gunshot echoed throughout the entire cavern. The bullet sailed through the air and missed Laurier de Montagne completely...because it hadn't been aimed at her. With a loud snap, the bullet cut right through the rope, causing a counterweight to fall and snatching the net up, with Laurier trapped inside it; she had failed to notice in her rage that Cheese had been leading her ever closer to the trap.

"Looks like this was a net loss for you!" Cheese smirked at Laurier, who was flailing helplessly in the net.

"You're despicable," she growled at him, giving him a look of deepest loathing.

Satisfied that the battle was over, Cheese hurried over to Pinkie, who was getting back up. "Ow..." Pinkie moaned, rubbing her jaw where she'd been hit. "Next time, I stick to the script."

"Are you okay?" Cheese asked, helping Pinkie up. She looked up at him with those perfect blue eyes of hers, smiling happily, and suddenly, the entire affair of the past several days seemed so far away.

"I'm great! Are you okay?"

"Super-duper!" Cheese replied, a floating feeling spreading through his body. He looked around. Laurier was still trying uselessly to free herself from the net. The other thugs were still lying where they were, unconscious or pinned beneath rubble.

"Hey, you did it!" Pinkie said in delight.

"No, Pinkie," Cheese said, hugging her tight. "We did it!"

"Cheese! Pinkie!"

The two party ponies looked up to see Rainbow Dash flying into the room. She slowly looked around the cavern in astonishment. "Whoa. What happened here?"

"About time!" Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing up and hugging Rainbow Dash as the others ran into the cave.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Rarity exclaimed upon seeing Cheese and Pinkie. "We were so worried about you both!"

"Laurier? What is—"

Everypony turned to see Scarlet Letter stepping out of the elevator and immediately stopping, staring in shock at the sight before her. Her eyes darted from Laurier to Cheese and Pinkie to the other ponies.

"We have a slight problem, madame," Laurier murmured, looking ashamed of herself.

"Scarlet Letter, you are under arrest for kidnapping, "Flash announced. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and—"

A sudden flash of scarlet magic blinded the ponies. Scarlet had grabbed Laurier, still trapped in the net, and teleported her to her side. With another flash of magic, Scarlet summoned the Muletese Falcon to her.

"This is not over, my little ponies," she growled, grasping her prize and her servant in her magic. "There are still over a hundred Scarlets around Equestria. We will have our revenge!" Her horn glowed brighter and brighter, arcane magic swirling around her as she prepared her spell. Twilight instinctively prepared a shield with her magic to protect her friends.

Suddenly, with a loud crackling roar, Scarlet's magical energy burst outwards in a blinding light. Everypony shielded their eyes, ducking beneath Twilight's shield, which held strong against the wave. When the light finally died away, the ponies looked up to see that Scarlet, Laurier and the Muletese Falcon had vanished.

"They got away!" Rainbow shouted in frustration.

"The whole world will soon know what they are," Twilight reassured her. "And besides, we got our friends back. That's all that matters."

Cheese wrapped an arm around Pinkie and pulled her close. "You know what I'm thinking of, my little ponies?"

"Cinammon buns?" Pinkie guessed.

"Well, yeah," Cheese agreed. "But first, I think it's time we let everypony know that I'm not a thief."

"Agreed," Rarity said. "And I know how to do it: identify the real thief!"

Author's Notes:

Yes, yes, I know this is behind schedule. This is what happens when I try to balance my hobby with working in retail.

Still, we finally did it! Cheese and Pinkie are safe and Scarlet Letter is on the run. But who's the real thief? If you were paying attention, you might have figured it out yourself.

Two more chapters, and we'll have wrapped this up nicely! Hope you're looking forward to it!

Part 9: Curtain Down

The next morning, the group gathered at Fancy Pants mansion, sitting in the study as the sun shone through the expansive windows. Pinkie and Cheese looked much better after a proper meal and some rest, and Cheese was delighted to be reunited with Boneless 2.

However, Fancy Pants and Fleur De Lis were less happy to see Cheese in their home once more. "Miss Rarity, you know we trust you, but what exactly is happening here?" Fancy asked, giving Rarity a curious look.

"Trust me, my friend," Rarity smiled, adjusting her Shadow Spade trenchcoat and hat. "I will explain everything once we are all present."

"Who else is missing?" Fleur asked.

Her question was answered a moment later when the door opened and Encore Performance entered. He looked around at the ensemble with an expression of bemusement. "Fancy? What's going on?"

"I'm merely going to answer a few questions about what happened the night the Muletese Falcon disappeared," Rarity explained, standing up and walking around the room. "First and foremost: who really took the Falcon?" She paused for dramatic effect, then turned to Cheese Sandwich. "Obviously, it was not our friend Cheese here."

"And how can you be so sure?" Encore frowned. "He was the one who had the Falcon in his saddlebag."

"Yes, but how did he manage to get the Falcon out of its case without setting off an alarm?" Rarity pointed out. "Cheese Sandwich is not an experienced thief, and he had never been in this mansion before: he didn't even know where the Falcon was. And when did he have the time to do it? According to testimony from the guests, he was busy entertaining the party guests the entire time and never got the chance to go near the casing."

"That's true," Fancy Pants said thoughtfully.

"The truth is, there was somepony at that party who was not who they said they were," Rarity continued. "And that pony was the one who had studied for a long time on how to defeat the casing's security and smuggle the Falcon out of the home. And I know who that pony was. Mr. Performance, what were the hors d'oeuvres that Mr. Sandwich served at the party?"

"A peanut butter mini pizza," Encore responded, obviously wondering if Rarity had taken leave of her sanity.

"And you enjoyed it, correct?"

"Yes, it was good. Where are you going with this?"

"Well, you see, Fleur told me that Encore Performance is allergic to legumes...including peanuts," Rarity stated, whirling on the other pony. "If you ate something with peanut butter with no ill effects, this can only mean one thing...you are not the real Encore Performance!"

Every pony in the room stared at the accused imposter, who stared back in surprise. After a few moments of stammering in protest, he scowled and let out a frustrated growl.

"Of course...I forgot all about that stupid allergy. All right, I admit it: I'm not Encore Performance. I'm his twin brother, Matinee Performance."

"Encore never mentioned that he had a twin brother," Fancy said.

"Of course he didn't," Matinee grumbled, lighting up his horn. His magic wiped off the false cutie marks, revealing his true cutie marks: another set of tragedy and comedy masks, but bronze rather than gold, and the reverse of his brother's. "You might know me by my stage name, Full House. I've always been the black sheep of the family. I've impersonated him on and off for years; posing as him, I'd get in the good graces of rich saps like yourself, figure out how to get your goods, and rob you blind. That's how this worked out: I got rid of your normal party planner, locked my brother in the basement, hired that stupid, goofy-looking sucker—"

"I am not goofy-looking!" Cheese protested.

"—sneak the Falcon out during the party and put it in his saddlebags to get him to take the fall for it, smuggle the Falcon out of police custody, and get paid...but of course I forgot that Encore was allergic to peanuts!"

"I think you should continue this conversation at the local precinct," Twilight stated, lighting up her horn. A magical set of shackles appeared around Matinee Performance's hooves, trapping him in place. A servant was quickly called and dispatched to summon the City Guard.

"And I would've gotten away with it, too," Matinee growled at the floor. "If it weren't for you meddling ponies!"

Within a few minutes, a pair of Guards entered the room, took the imposter by the arms and guided him away to jail. Once he was gone, Fancy Pants and Fleur both breathed a sigh of relief.

"Monsieur Sandwich, we must ask for your forgiveness," Fleur said to Cheese, hanging her head humbly. "We rushed to conclusions, and that was wrong."

"It's all right," Cheese said with a smile.

"I just wish that Scarlet Letter hadn't managed to escape," Flash said. "She even got to keep the Muletese Falcon!"

"Oh, you mean this?" Fleur grinned, pulling something out from behind her back. A golden statuette of a falcon, with a variety of diamonds imbedded into it that glittered like a rainbow.

"The Muletese Falcon!" Twilight burst out in shock as everypony stared at the statuette that had miraculously appeared. "But...but how did...?"

"Did you really think that we would keep the real Falcon out in the open where anypony could take it during a party?" Fancy Pants laughed. "The one that was stolen was merely a copy."

"So where did you keep the real Falcon?" Applejack asked.

"Hidden beneath our bed," Fleur replied, giggling as though she found the whole thing to be a very funny joke. The troupe of ponies groaned in unison.

"I wouldn't worry about Miss Scarlet," Fancy Pants assured them. "I'm sure justice will catch up to them sooner or later." Smiling, he shook hooves with Cheese and the others. "I must thank you all for your diligence. Without you, the truth might never have come to light."

"Just doing our job," Flash replied.

With that, the entourage exited the mansion, strolling past the topiary buses and out onto the morning streets of Canterlot. The light from the sun illuminated every street and building like they were gilded with gold. Pinkie and Cheese walked side by side, leaning against each other and happily nuzzling.

"You know what this calls for?" Pinkie asked, brightening up. "A party!"

"An 'I'm Free From Jail' Party!" Cheese followed up. "I haven't had to throw one of those in years!"

Laughing, the group continued on their way towards the train station, but Cheese Sandwich held back a little, his steps slow and uncertain until he trundled to a complete halt, his head lowered in thought. Finally, he took a deep breath and walked up to Pinkie, who was joking with Rainbow Dash.

"Pinkie, can we talk for a moment?" he asked.

Pinkie nodded, and Cheese guided her towards the back of the carriage, leaving the others to their own conversations. He stood in silence for a moment, swaying uncertainly.

"Cheesy? What is it?" Pinkie asked in concern.

Cheese swallowed, staring into her wide eyes. The perfect shade of blue. Her gaze filled him up with courage, holding that same mysterious power over him that he had felt all those years ago at that party he'd attended as a colt. He swallowed and began to speak.

"Pinkie, there's something I'd like to confess," he said shyly. "When I arrived at Ponyville that day, it wasn't because of my Cheese Sense or anything like that. It was because I just...wanted to spend Hearts and Hooves Day with you. See, Pinkie, I realized that I missed you a lot after I left, and I just...wanted to spend some time with you, letting you know how I felt." He rubbed the back of his head and chuckled nervously, his head hanging low. "And then all this happened and...everything just kind of got messed up. And worst of all, you got hurt." His face creased in concern. "I'm...I'm really sorry, Pinkie."

There was a brief moment of silence, then Pinkie reached out and gently lifted Cheese's chin up so that he was looking at her face, which held a wide, loving smile. "For what, you silly?" Pinkie laughed. "None of this was your fault! And besides, even if we were running from the Guard and those thugs, I kind of had fun; I was with you, and you..." She paused, a small blush tinging her cheeks. "You make me happy, Cheese. Like, really happy. When I'm with you, I get this kind of floaty feeling like there's butterflies in my stomach and my heart starts beating quicker like it's doing a happy little dance and I get kind of hot and nervous and..." She giggled quietly. "I like you, too, Cheesy. Really, really like you."

Something exploded inside Cheese's chest, a feeling like sunshine spreading throughout his entire body and reaching up to his face, sparking a humongous smile to spread across his cheeks. He laughed quietly, and Pinkie's giggle joined his mirth.

This was the moment. All his years of party planning had made Cheese Sandwich an expert at timing, and all that experience was telling him, now. Slowly, he leaned forward, closed his eyes, and pressed his lips against Pinkie's. She melted into his embrace like warm cheese, returning the kiss with equal passion.

"Awww!" Fluttershy and Rarity cooed.

"Heh, took 'em long enough," Applejack chuckled. Rainbow Dash pretended to gag.

Pinkie looked up at her friends with a raised eyebrow. "A little privacy, please?"

"Sorry, Pinkie," Twilight giggled. "Come on, everypony, let's give them a little space." The others continued on their way, leaving the other two a ways behind. Giggling and blushing, Cheese and Pinkie followed, cuddling together happily. Before they arrived at Ponyville, they had plenty of time for their own little party, celebrating their union and their new relationship. They—

"You too, Josiah."

Huh? Oh, sorry. Um...maybe I should just skip to the next section.

An hour later, the train pulled into the station from Ponyville with a hissing of brakes and steaming. The friends disembarked onto the platform.

"See you ponies later!" Pinkie called as she happily bounced off with Cheese. "We've got a party to plan!" The two disappeared towards Sugarcube Corner, giggling like little fillies. Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash all waved goodbye to Twilight and Flash as they returned to their own homes.

Flash shook his head as he watched them. "Can you imagine if they got married?" he chuckled to Twilight.

"Please, don't put that image in my head," a familiar voice said.

"Phil? You're back from Vanhoover!" Flash said in delight, spotting him waiting at the edge of the platform.

"Yeah," Phil said. "Would've joined you in Canterlot, but it's kind of hard to go anywhere when you're hiding in the hold of a pirate ship." He glanced at the retreating form of Cheese Sandwich. "So what happened?"

Twilight and Flash explained the full story to him. Phillip listened in silence, his face stoic, but his eyes twinkled faintly when Flash told him how they had arrived at each deduction and decision. When the story was finished, he looked at them both, and smiled faintly.

"You did aces, all of you," he said. "I heard about this case and wondered why my crime sense didn't warn me about it. Shouldn't have worried for a moment." He reached over and patted Flash on the back. "You were all in good hooves: each others."

Flash grinned back and put an arm around Phil's shoulders for a moment. "Thanks, chief."

"No worries," Phillip replied, bumping his forehead against Flash's. After a moment, he broke off from the embrace. "I'd better find a place to hide. Have fun at the party."

"Thanks!" Flash and Twilight waved Phillip goodbye before taking flight and setting off towards the castle. After a quick flight through the late morning air, they landed in front of the grand crystal doors, which Twilight opened wide with her magic.

"Spike? We're back!" she called out into the empty hallway. There was no response. "Spike?" Twilight called again.

"This way," Flash beckoned, guiding Twilight down a side hallway, from which faint noises could be heard coming from the castle library. They opened the doors and entered the library to find Spike and Starlight Glimmer sitting at the main table. Starlight was poring over a thick tome, while Spike scribbled down notes in a long scroll.

"Hello!" Twilight called.

"Twilight! Flash! You're back!" Spike shouted in joy as he looked up.

"Hello!" Starlight smiled. "Did it go well?"

"We rescued Pinkie and Cheese and got everypony home, safe and sound," Twilight responded. "I'll tell you all about it later. What are you two working on?"

"While you were gone, I thought of something," Starlight stated, revealing the items on the table: several fragments of purple-blue crystal, carved from the walls of the Friendship Castle. "It occurred to me that neither of us actually knew much about this castle; what kind of magic is inside it, if any, how it functions, that kind of thing. So I thought, maybe I could study it for myself, just to see what I could find out."

"That sounds like a brilliant idea!" Twilight exclaimed. "Why didn't I think of that? What have you got so far?"

"Well, we were just starting to do some research and start some basic observations," Starlight said, showing Twilight her notes.

"I'd love to help, but Pinkie and Cheese are planning a party soon," Twilight said. "Why don't you two start getting ready?"

"All right!" Spike cheered, dropping his quill and scroll and rushing off in a blur of motion.

"Thanks, Twilight. Glad you're back," Starlight said, giving Twilight a brief hug before bouncing off to her quarters. Flash's stern gaze followed her out.

Noticing the look in his eyes, Twilight sighed in exasperation. "Flash, I really wish you could learn to trust her." Flash just gave a quiet grunt.

"Look, forget about it for a while," Twilight said, slinking closer to him and pressing her sides against his, gently rubbing his wing against his flank. Flash gasped in surprise, his wings unwillingly stiffening. "We have a while until the party later, and I thought we could practice a few things that I'd read about." She grinned up at him, flicking his tail against him.

Flash grinned in reply. "Your wish is my command, Your Highness." Twilight pulled Flash down onto the cushions, using her magic to remove his armor and giggling happily as Flash peppered her cheeks with kisses.

Hearts and Hooves Day might have been over, but love was still in the air, and as long as ponies lived and loved, there would always be reason to celebrate.

Author's Notes:

So, how many of you guessed who the thief was? I'm sure that some of you picked up that little clue I left you!

This will officially wrap up this storyline. We still have an epilogue ahead, but for now, I'm glad of the progress that I've made! I had fun writing it, and I hope you had fun reading it!

Leave a like, fave and comment if you feel so inclined. It helps keeps the channel going!

Epilogue: The New Deal

With a loud crash, the false Muletese Falcon impacted against a large rock and shattered into dozens of shards, which spread out across the forest floor.

"They made a fool out of me!" Scarlet Letter screeched, pacing in a circle in the forests of the Canterlot mountain. "They made fools out of all of us!"

"Madame, you need to calm down," Laurier de Montagne attempted to reassure her, tightening her magical grip on her weapon as she looked around the dark woods, casting her magical light about in search of any sign of a possible threat.

"Laurier, our reputation is in tatters!" Scarlet snapped back, whirling on her maid. "The whole world is laughing at the Scarlets right now...laughing at me...all because of those two ponies!" She snarled through her teeth. "I'm going to get back at those ponies if it's the last thing I do!"

"And we will have that chance," Laurier said, placing a hoof on her mistress' shoulder. "But first, we need to makes sure that you are safe."

Scarlet let out a slow breath, her tension leaving her body. "Thank you, Laurier," she whispered. "For...for everything."

"It is my pleasure, madame," Laurier smiled as she bowed briefly.

Scarlet smiled back and patted her maid on her shoulder. The tender moment passed, and she turned away with a frustrated sigh. "Where's our ride? He's going to be late."

"Ma'am! Over here!" a voice called out.

Both mares turned around to see a pale green pegasus with windswept black hair emerging from behind a tree, beckoning them towards him. Both of them hurried over.

"Are either of you hurt?" he asked, his eyes wide in concern as he scanned his mistress and her servant.

"No, thank you, Moon Wing," Scarlet smiled in relief. "Is the chariot ready?"

"Yes, ma'am." The trusted pilot guided them over to a small clearing in the woods. A small sky chariot, built for speed and agility and painted dark blue for camouflage against the night sky, sat in the midst of the clearing. Moon Wing began to reattach himself to the harness as Scarlet and Laurier pulled themselves into the small, but comfortable carriage seats.

"To the Smokey Mountain hideout," Scarlet ordered. "From there, we can plan our counterattack."

"Yes, ma'am!" Moon Wing replied, spreading his wings to take flight.

"Wait!" a voice called out. Turning, the trio saw a unicorn rushing through the trees towards them, his dark suit rumpled by the branches and leaves. He clutched a small bundle wrapped in a white sheet to his chest in an aura of pale gold magic.

"Zugzwang?" Scarlet said in puzzlement, dismounting the carriage. "What is it?"

"Scarlet," Zugzwang panted, pausing in front of her. "I'm so glad I found you in time. You can't go to the hideout."

"Why not?" Laurier demanded.

"Because the Guard got there first," Zugzwang replied, lowering his eyes. "Your men put up a brave resistance, but I'm afraid...I'm afraid that all of them were killed or captured."

Scarlet's jaw dropped in horror. "No...no!" she cried out, staggering. "It's not true! H-how could they...?" She gasped in shock, a sudden realization flashing in her eyes. "Crimson Prince! He was there!"

"Calm yourself, mein Geliebte," Zugzwang cooed, lifting up the bundle in his magic and giving it to her. "Our son is safe."

The bundle shifted, a small yawn emerging from the shape within. Pulling back the sheets with her scarlet magic, Scarlet Letter beheld the face of a unicorn colt with a light brown coat and an unkempt dark red mane, blinking up at her with wide black eyes. The infant let out a small whine and reached up to her muzzle.

"Shh, shh," Scarlet whispered, hugging the infant to her chest and gently rocking him in her magic. "There, there, don't cry, mommy's here."

"He was hidden in the secret passageway, sound asleep," Zugzwang explained. "I managed to sneak him out and teleported here, hoping to head you off."

"It's a good thing that you did," Scarlet smiled up at Zugzwang.

"Monsieur, if I may," Laurier interrupted, glaring suspiciously at Zugzwang. "The plan to steal the Falcon...it did not work."

"My plans are foolproof," Zugzwang replied through his teeth, coldly fixing his abyss-like gaze on Laurier. "But, unfortunately, not idiot-proof; even I cannot predict the actions of two love-struck party ponies, this I admit." He turned back to Scarlet. "But we still remain, mein Geliebte, and we must strike back. We must make them pay for this insult!"

"They hurt our family," Scarlet hissed, her eyes flashing anger as she hugged her sleeping son to her barrel. "They killed my brothers and sisters. I want my revenge; on Phillip Finder, on Pinkie Pie, and on all their friends!"

"And you shall have it," Zugzwang promised. Turning to Moon Wing, who had watched this in silence, Zugzwang extracted a small, folded map from his breast pocket and levitated it over to the pegasus. "Do you know this area?"

Moon Wing unfolded the map and studied it carefully. "Yes. I can get us there."

"Gut. Take them there, and quickly." Turning back to Scarlet, he took her hoof in both of his, slowly rubbing it for warmth. She gripped his hooves firmly. Her emerald green eyes met his black, the starlight reflecting in the orbs.

"You will be safe there, mein Geliebte; you can continue to lead the Scarlets from there. I will help you; I will provide you everything you need. And together, we will not just have our revenge: we will build a kingdom that our son will inherit."

Scarlet leaned forward and kissed Zugzwang sweetly on the lips. "Thank you, my dove. For everything." Climbing onto the carriage, she nodded once more to Zugzwang. The infant fussed in her grip, but she gently cradled him, hushing him gently. Laurier continued to focus her narrowed gaze on Zugzwang, but he had eyes only for Scarlet.

"I will rejoin you soon, mein Geliebte," he called as the chariot began to take flight, carried into the night sky by the pilot. "I have other business to take care of."

"Take care! We will be waiting for you!" Scarlet called out, waving goodbye as the carriage lifted up above the trees. Zugzwang waved as well, watching as the enchanted camouflaged vehicle flew higher and higher into the sky until it disappeared amongst the distant stars and clouds of the night.

"I told you I didn't require your services, doctor," he finally said, turning to face the figure that had been hiding behind a tree during the entire exchange. "The child was enough to ensure her cooperation."

The cloaked pony stepped into the moonlight, his face hidden by his black hood. His bony wings, which were a pale sickly yellow color, were clutched tight to his sides. Upon the pony's shoulder rode a midnight black raven whose sharpened claws glinted in the darkness. The bird let out a hoarse screech, as if in displeasure.

"Patience, Lenore," the cloaked pony said in a raspy voice, reaching up a skeleton-like hoof to stroke the raven across its back. "You will have your chance."

"On Pinkie Pie and her friends, I hope," Zugzwang replied, pulling out a packet of cigarettes from his suit pocket and levitating one over to the cloaked pony. "Their interference has put me into a very awkward position; I need to keep the Scarlets under my control, and because of them, I almost lost their trust."

"Without a doubt," Nevermore replied, accepting the cigarette and placing it into his mouth. "But we cannot afford to make too grand a gesture this soon. Not after we have suffered such a loss. I'd rather not have to move my laboratory again."

Zugzwang let out a snarl of hesitant agreement and levitated over a silver lighter and flicked it open. The small flame briefly illuminated the doctor's crimson eyes as he lit the cigarette. He sucked briefly on the cigarette, then blew a small cloud of smoke out of his nostrils.

"But what of you?" the doctor asked.

Zugzwang frowned. With his magic, he reached beneath his suit and pulled out a small satchel wrapped around his neck and tucked beneath his clothing.

"We may have a new opportunity," he said, staring at the satchel with a hungry expression. "But I need more time to prepare myself. Time that Phillip Finder might use as an opportunity to interrupt me." He looked up at the cloaked pony, teeth gritted. "I need a distraction. Something to keep him busy."

"I have just the thing," the doctor grinned. "Two experiments I've been dying to try for ages." He removed the cigarette from his mouth and dropped it onto the ground, where he crushed it beneath his hoof with a slow, deliberate grinding.

"One is already underway. If the second experiment works—if my hypothesis is correct—then I will know how to break Phillip Finder. I will bring you his soul, so that you may crush it."

Zugzwang smiled, a wide, mirthless smile. "You have yet to disappoint, doctor," he said. "You will have whatever support you need." He lit up his horn, and in a flash of golden light, the two ponies teleported away, leaving behind no trace of their presence save a crushed goldleaf cigarette sitting in a small pile of ashes.

Author's Notes:

Oh, yes...Doctor Nevermore is back.

I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I liked writing it! Any comments, criticisms, likes and faves that you'd care to give are more than welcome.

The saga continues in Trifle Not With Monsters, coming soon!

This chapter underwent a significant rewrite 3/7/17

Chapter notes

Prologue
—Giuoco Piano is a subtle joke. It might sound like something music-related, but it actually translates as "quiet game" in Italian and is the first recorded chess opening.
—"How come Z insists on using these stupid riddles and puzzles?": lampshading Zugzwang's signature tic. It's part of his psychological makeup: he enjoys testing others just to see how smart they are.
—Remember: Zugzwang isn't a major crime lord like these guys. Like Moriarty, he's a consulting criminal: a planner and advisor who offers information, equipment, planning and support to the highest bidder.
—Greenfield rifles: play on the Enfield rifle.
—Muletese Falcon: play on The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett, the first hard-boiled private detective novel.
—I created Scarlet Letter out of the realization that I had so far not had any female antagonists in the series. Scarlet Letter's name is a reference not to the famous novel by Nathaniel Hawthorne, but to the practice of Puritans forcing an adulterous woman to wear a scarlet letter "A" as a mark of her sin. Scarlet Letter exposes the scarlet letters of others to further her own ends and is also known for her writing skills.
—Burt and Ernie's names are of course a reference to the famous duo from It's A Wonderful Life.
—"mein Geliebte": German, "my dear."

Part 1
—Slide Fortissimo belongs to Trombone2015. Green Screen belongs to his twin brother, mandolin15. Gingerroot and Decibelle Rose belong to DatPoneEnthusiast90. All OCs are used with permission.
—"Frabjous day...calloo! Callay!": reference the Jabberwocky poem from Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass.
—Baden Switch: pun on "bait and switch."
—"Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?...": lines taken from the Weird Al Yankovic song, Everything You Know Is Wrong.
—Music: Libella Swing by Parov Stelar.

Part 2
—"supercalifragilisticexpialidocious": reference to Mary Poppins, of course.
—Fancy Shmancy is an upper-class Canterlot noble only mentioned in the comics.
—"something nouveau, something passionnant...": French, "something fresh, something exciting." My headcanon is Fleur De Lis is Prench (French).

Part 3
—"Hey! You stole my waffle!": Get it? Because "waffle" sounds like "waifu," and Flash is accused of being a...ah, never mind.
—"Is everypony around here crazy?": Yes, Starlight, they are.
—"Didn't do it...lawyer bucked me.": paraphrasing a line from The Shawshank Redemption. The character Green is a reference to Red from the film, who is played by Morgan Freeman: the fact that Green is a purple-coated pony is a subtle joke, a reference to the absurdity of a character named "Red" being played by a black man.
—"You got a file?...You got a cake to hide it in?": reference to the popular trope of smuggling a file or similar tool to a friend in prison in a cake.
—Fourth wall humor. There's nothing like it.
—Ryuthela secundaria: an actual species of spider. Look here.
—The usage of the cardboard box and the famous "Alert" sounds are both references (and a less than subtle "take that") to the Metal Gear Solid games. The Guard even lampshades just how absurd the usage of a cardboard box as a stealth device in real life would be.

Part 4
—"Buy some apples...": a joke only a brony would get. In some brony sites, "Buy some apples" is used a censor for curses.
—Music: Yakety Sax, the theme to the Benny Hill Show, a British comedy show well-known for its absurd chase scenes.
—The chase sequence that follows was inspired by Scooby Doo and Looney Tunes episodes. Little fact: before I joined the brony fandom, I actually wrote Looney Tunes fanfictions on deviantArt for a little over two years.
—One of the challenges of writing the chase sequence was not making the Guards seem too incompetent. For example, in the hallway sequence, the sergeant was originally supposed to follow Cheese and Pinkie through the doors, but I cut that part because it seemed a bit too silly for a non-party pony to be able to pull off the visual gag.
—The banana peel gag actually has a factual basis. In early 20th century America, bananas were very popular, but because of the lack of anti-littering laws, people would just carelessly toss the peels onto the sidewalk. Over time, the peels would rot and become quite slippery. A fresh banana peel, however, is not that slippery.
—Pinkie using the party cannon's blowback to send herself flying is based off of rocket jumping in many first-person shooter games, particularly Team Fortress 2.
—"take chances, make mistakes, get messy...": reference to The Magic School Bus TV series: this was one of Ms. Frizzle's many catchphrases. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that show)
—"Cardboard boxes are stupid.": take that, Solid Snake.
—The explanation as to why Twilight can't pardon Pinkie and Cheese in their crimes was something that I added in when I realized that it was a potential plot hole that needed addressing. My headcanon for the Equestrian government is that, somewhat similar to the American government, it has separate city/state/federal systems and a system of checks and balances that prevent one pony from becoming too powerful, something that I feel the Two Sisters would have insisted upon.
—Starlight's letter is an element for an ongoing minor plot arc in the series.
—Rarity's Shadow Spade outfit is a reference to the episode Rarity Investigates, one of my favorite Season 5 episodes.
—"certainement": French, "certainly."
—Applejack quite literally "lampshades" the problem of leaving the Falcon out in the open.
—In French, Laurier de Montagne translates as "mountain laurel," a beautiful but highly toxic flower. Laurier's color scheme is based off of the flower.
—Note Scarlet's alarmed reaction when she hears Phillip's name, a testament to his reputation amongst criminals.

Part 5
—"...that escaped doctor looking for the one-legged pony!": reference to The Fugitive TV series.
—"...Jess Horsefeathers...": reference to Jessica Fletcher (played by Angela Lansbury), the star of the famous Murder, She Wrote TV series.
—Bumblebee and Prowl's names are taken from two characters from Transformers, another famous Hasbro franchise.
—The old "fake tunnel" gag, a staple of Road Runner cartoons for years.

Part 6
—Rarity unintentionally narrating the story is a throwback to Rarity Investigates.
—Flash's instincts have no doubt been honed by working with Phillip.
—Cheese's insistence on proper grammar is a reference to the Weird Al song Word Crimes, a personal favorite of mine.
—Universe note: motorized carriages, mostly electric or steam-driven, are a fairly recent invention in Equestria, similar to early 20th century models (think Ford Model T). They are mostly only seen in larger cities.

Part 7
—The idea of a suspect falling out a window and landing on a train car came from the Sherlock Holmes story The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans.
—Pinkie pulls of Bugs Bunny-style reverse psychology on the thug to get him to reveal his secret.
—The little skit between the two thugs with the "secret lever" is a reference to the Deadpool video game.
—I thought it'd be funny if awkward elevator music was playing while Pinkie was descending into the secret hideout. It'd probably be funnier if this was a movie and not a story.
—hoping that they had reorganized since the last time she was there: reference to a previous story, The Blue Moon Brings Death.
—For Pinkie's fighting style, I took inspiration from the Afro-Brazilian martial art of capoeira. As much a dance as it is a martial art, capoeira is highly acrobatic and uses constant movement and fast kicks, perfect for the highly energetic Pinkie Pie.
—"Crétins incompétents!": French, "Incompetent morons!"
—"Bien sûr": French, "of course."
—The ending and the music in the Author's notes are both references to the famous "game over" sequences from the Metal Gear video game series.

Part 8
—"Say hello to my little friend!": reference to Scarface.
—"My leg!": reference to a running gag from Spongebob Squarepants.
—Pinkie's Pinkie Sense saves her once again.
—"You're despicable,": copying one of Daffy Duck's catchphrases.

Part 9
—"And I would've gotten away with it, too...If it weren't for you meddling ponies!": reference to the Scooby-Doo series, where the villain would always state at the end that they "would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" or some variation thereof.
—"Hidden beneath our bed,": in the very last place any thief would think of looking.
—Of course I was going to have Cheese and Pinkie kiss at the end. What, did you think I wouldn't?
—In an original outline for the story, it would be revealed that Phillip had lied about having to go to Vanhoover and had actually been following the group since the beginning to keep an eye on them. I cut this idea as both unnecessary and because I didn't really have a good reason for Phillip to do that (or at least, none that ended up with him not seeming like a jerk at the end). What I wanted to convey with this scene is the idea that Flash is growing up to be Phillip's peer and equal, and that Phillip is learning to trust his friends.
—"I'd better find a place to hide.": Phil was in Ponyville the last time that Cheese and Pinkie planned a party together. It's not an experience he'd like to repeat.
—For the record: no, they're not going do anything past kissing and cuddling. Both Twi and Flash have agreed to wait until marriage to give away their virginity.

Epilogue
—Scarlet and Laurier have managed to escape justice, but may have jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.
—Question: why did Zugzwang use this convoluted method to take control of the Scarlets instead of just killing Scarlet Letter? Answer: because killing her and just taking over would have made all the Scarlets his enemies. This way discredits her and puts her into his debt, as well as focuses her concern on her family and her son.
—What's Zugzwang got in the bag? What's he got planned? He'd tell you, but then he'd have to kill you. No, seriously.

Author's Notes:

Chapter notes from the story.