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Bad Dude And The Coalition Of United Terrible Evils

by naturalbornderpy

Chapter 24: Beware The Hug Hunters (Short)

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Tic, Tac, and Toe made their way up the sunny streets of Ponyville, heads held high and with the smallest of grins on their faces; no pony that saw them that day ran away in fright or even commented on them at all. Earlier that morning, the changeling trio had perused one of Bad Dude’s old school yearbooks to take on the likeness of three innocent looking foals.

It was nice being out of the fortress for a change… even if they technically did have a mission to accomplish.

Tac turned to his brothers and asked in his raspy, whispery voice that sounded a lot like simple clicks and pops, “Do we even know where we’re going? It feels like we’ve been walking forever!

Tic chuckled dryly. “I could walk around town for hours—anything besides massaging Discord’s feet back in the fortress.

Using a hoof, Toe pointed at the shop at the end of the street—the one covered in fake candies and sweets. “That must be it. Someone brought along the list? Our Queen would be so mad if we screwed this up.

I’ve got it,” Tic replied, holding a lengthy scroll upwards for them to see.

The three of them gave each other a curt nod before entering the store.

“Oh! More customers!” Pinkie Pie greeted them from behind the counter. “Aren’t you three just the cutest little things? How can I help you today? You like cookies? Or gummy ponies? Or twelve pounds of sticky-pudding-toffee delight?”

Toe and Tac shared a glance as Tic just stared up at Pinkie Pie dumbstruck. A blush quickly appeared on his cheeks.

Pinkie Pie raised a brow. “Not much for chitchat, eh? That’s all right! More time to eat candy if you’re not busy blabbing away!”

It wasn’t until Toe nudged Tic that he finally produced the note they’d been given from Discord previously. Tic stood up on his back legs to hoof it over to Pinkie.

Pinkie scratched at a cheek as she read it. “Says here that you three have taken a vow of silence until draconequi are able to marry whomever and whatever they want without being prosecuted for it—up to and including broom handles and tree stumps. Well, I’ve never actually heard of anything like that before, but whatever! I’m not one to judge!”

Tic hoofed over the long list of various items they needed.

“Oh! Wow!” Pinkie exclaimed as she began skimming the lengthy list. “Sounds like one heck of a party you three are throwing: hats, balloons, confetti, a punch bowl in the shape of a skull, a milk chocolate fondue fountain…” She lowered the paper for a moment. “I do happen to know of a certain ‘party planning pony’ that’s quite good at planning pony parties, if you three might be interested in hiring her…”

Pinkie let her question dangle in the air as Tic, Tac, and Toe collectively shook their heads at her.

Pinkie Pie’s shoulders dropped a bit. “Had to try, didn’t I? Well, maybe a certain ‘party planning pony’ might just get invited to such an event and—”

Again, they all shook their heads at her.

Now Pinkie’s shoulders and mane slumped. “Fine! Have it your way! Who even needs to go to this awesome sounding party? Not Pinkie Pie! That’s who! Maybe I’ll just charge you all double now!”

At that, Toe smiled and used his teeth to chuck a large sack of shiny bits onto the counter. They’d all been given enough coins to cover the party’s cost four times over. Tips included.

***

I don’t know about this,” Tic warned, as they entered another shop on the other end of town.

Toe rolled his eyes at him. “We have more than enough money and time to take a little detour, Tic. Don’t be such a cry baby. Bad Dude does so much for us I only thought it would be nice doing something for him in return.

Tic raised a brow. “You think he’d actually like this, though?

Of course! Bad Dude loves dressing up!” Toe looked around for a moment. “Where’s Tac? He was just behind us—that slowpoke!

Both brothers turned around to watch poor Tac push open the door to the shop with a good half-dozen bags loaded onto his back. A drop of sweat rolled down his flushed face.

Is no one going to help me with all these party supplies?” Tac practically begged.

Tic and Toe shook their heads at him and strolled over to the counter, where they were instantly greeted by Rarity.

She smiled brightly at the trio. “Good afternoon, you three, and welcome to Carousel Boutique. Have you all come to pick out your suits for the school’s upcoming dance?”

Again, Tic pulled a note out and hoofed it over to her.

Rarity chuckled uneasily once she read it over. “A vow of silence? Until Princess Luna’s been sent back to the moon? I’m sorry, boys, but you might be waiting quite a while with that one. Regardless, what might I help you with today?”

This time, Tic laid out a black and white photo across the counter.

“A costume?” Rarity asked uneasily. “A little early for Nightmare Night, wouldn’t you agree?”

All further questions were immediately halted as Toe once again threw a giant sack of bits onto the counter. Forty-five minutes later, they all left Ponyville with their new items in hoof. And with some ice cream cones, too. Tic had had a sudden craving.

***

Bad Dude truly didn’t know how to properly react to Tic, Tac, and Toe’s unexpected gift. He’d been silently pondering in the fortress’s living room about how best to address the “Glass Slipper” in the room with the rest of the Coalition, but still hadn’t come to much of a decision. Perhaps he’d wait until after their party was over with. At least in that case, he wouldn’t be ruining anyone’s awesome night.

Bad Dude had to fake a smile for Tic, Tac, and Toe. It was clear they went through a lot of trouble for this. “Wow! This sure is… something!” Bad Dude said awkwardly, twisting the dark fabric around in his hooves. “This is a… changeling costume?”

Toe nodded eagerly.

“One you want me to wear?”

Toe nodded again, eyes whipping between Bad Dude and the costume.

One costume change later and the four of them stood in front of a wide mirror together, standing shoulder to shoulder. After he put it on, Bad Dude noted his “changeling costume” was basically just a tight black jumper with a large hole big enough for his head to go through; fake wings, teal colored goggles, and a short plastic horn finished up the rest of the costume.

Carefully looking himself over, Bad Dude did have to admit it was sort of neat looking.

“It’s like we’re all brothers now!” Bad Dude told them, giving his fake horn a quick flick. “So what should we do now?”

Tac used a hoof to point at his chest.

“Get some food?” Bad Dude asked.

Then Tac began rubbing over his heart.

“Oh!” Bad Dude nodded in understanding. “Get some love! Now I get it!”

***

As the four of them traveled around the castle and kept low to the ground, Bad Dude added what narration he could provide.

“The art of Hug Hunting isn’t for the faint of heart,” Bad Dude warned, quiet enough so that only the three of them would be able to hear him. “It takes time, dedication, and skill to pull off the perfect Hug Hunt. That’s why there are only four Hug Hunters in existence to date.”

As Bad Dude scurried up a hallway, Tic, Tac, and Toe trailed behind and kept an eye out for anyone approaching. Once they reached the end of the hall, Bad Dude took a deep breath and pushed inside, lowering to his belly to silently sneak across the room.

“Target spotted!” Bad Dude narrated, indicating the peacefully slumbering King Sombra spread out on the bed. “This majestic creature is known as the Sombrakish Grumptalikish—which roughly translates into ‘Grumpy Sombra’. Grumpy Sombras tend to sleep up to fourteen hours a day and shower up to three times in a twenty-four hour period. Their coats have been known to be extra fluffy and soft, and their extra strength makes them some of the best cuddle ponies around. I would give Grumpy Sombras a solid eight-point-five on the Hug Spectrum.”

Bad Dude turned to his band of near-identical brothers. “Hug Hunters! Are you ready to hunt?”

Tic, Tac, and Toe all nodded at once, unfurling their wings to jump up onto the bed.

“Three… two…” Bad Dude began to count, before Queen Chrysalis exited from another door in the room.

With furrowed brows, she stared down at them. “Bad Dude? What are you wearing?”

“Abort!” Bad Dude declared, bolting for the door as fast as he could while his comrades followed suit.

“Okay,” Bad Dude began, as they prepared for their next hunt. “That one didn’t go very well, but I promise that this one will work out a whole lot better! See that odd creature on the lounger?”

Bad Dude pointed a hoof in the direction of Lord Tirek, who was currently reading from a thick novel with his reading spectacles on.

“That creature there is known as a Lowerbackpainious,” Bad Dude continued on in a hushed tone. “Which means ‘Achy Tirek’. They are very old creatures with terrible hearing—”

“You know I can hear you, Bad Dude,” Tirek roughly informed him, not taking his eyes off his book. “I’m not that deaf, you know.”

Bad Dude grimaced. “As I was saying, Achy Tireks have been known to have very bad knees and joints, which makes them perfect for Hug Hunting. They can’t get away as fast as regular creatures, so—”

“Maybe I’ll go read somewhere else,” Tirek blurted, rising out of his lounger to swiftly exit the room.

Bad Dude exhaled loudly and stomped a costumed hoof. “Shoot! This Hug Hunt’s going terribly!”

Gingerly, Tac patted his shoulder.

“We just need to be stealthier about this,” Bad Dude decided, before he formulated his final plan.

Bad Dude and his fellow patriots had to keep their balance in check as they sneakily walked across the wooden beams spread out along the room’s ceiling. At the moment, they were trekking across Discord’s room—located in the fortress’s dark basement so he wouldn’t be disturbed. Discord had entered his room only moments ago and had already crashed on an oversized beanbag chair to snooze. The perfect opportunity for an attack.

The four “changeling brothers” stood on the beam directly above him.

“Okay, team,” Bad Dude said in a hushed voice. “This is our last chance for cuddles and hugs, and more than anything I don’t want you three to go home disappointed. So this just has to work.” He glanced down at the slumbering Discord, who already had his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. “This bizarre creature is known as Biggish Dickish—or ‘Sweet and Sour’. They call these creatures Sweet and Sours sometimes due to their ability to be nice one moment and then be completely terrible the next. Right now, this Sweet and Sour is soundly asleep and completely helpless from sudden hugs and cuddles. A direct attack from above should get us the hugs we require for our Hug Hunt today.”

Using a hoof, Bad Dude gave Tic, Tac, and Toe a quick salute.

“Are you Hug Hunters ready for your final mission?”

The three of them nodded and stood up straight in affirmation.

“Then let’s—” Bad Dude began, before he heard rumblings from below.

Discord rubbed at one of his eyes with a paw. “Bad Dude? Why are you dressed up like a changeling? And why are you in my room?”

“To get hugs,” Bad Dude answered him earnestly.

“From who?”

“From you.”

Discord cocked a brow. “Oh?”

“Get ‘em!” Bad Dude shouted, causing the four of them to leap from the ceiling and right onto Discord. Try as he might to get away, Discord had next to no time to react and was quickly overcome by tiny hooves and small nuzzling faces. All over the fortress, Discord’s languished screams could be clearly heard. Sadly, not a single pony came to his aid.

Discord was hugged and cuddled most stupendously that day.

Hours later, Tic, Tac, and Toe would all agree that their first Hug Hunt had been a complete success. Bad Dude would agree.

Author's Notes:

Been meaning to write another short involving Tic, Tac, and Toe ever since their first one. Then this morning, the image of Bad Dude in a changeling costume came to mind and just had write about that.

In memory of Steve Irwin. :fluttercry: Best Hug Hunter of all time.

(Not trying to be a jerk with that comment -- he actually seemed like a cool guy.)

Next Chapter: B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Baddie) Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 42 Minutes
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