Bad Dude And The Coalition Of United Terrible Evils

by naturalbornderpy

First published 7th of January, 2016

Super villain Bad Dude attempts to create Equestria's first ever super villain group. But were villains ever truly meant to play nice with one another?

After successfully defeating both Princess Celestia and Luna on his first day as super villain, the colt known as Bad Dude sets his sights on much larger projects. Namely, the creation of Equestria's first ever super villain group known as The Coalition of United Terrible Evils. Or C.U.T.E. for short.

But were villains ever truly meant to play nice with one another?

Artwork by Shadow Bolt.

More Bad Dude art by TurnWrongattheFork. HERE!

Crullers With Chrysalis

Discord pulled out his map and unfolded it, narrowing his eyes at the paper. Once he was finished looking it over, he crumbled it into a ball and munched on it, licking bits of ink off his fingers.

“You think this is the right place?” Bad Dude asked, seated on one of Discord’s shoulders, a royal blue cape tied around his neck. Bad Dude was a small grey colt with an icy blue mane and tail. He held onto one of Discord’s horns so he wouldn’t slip off.

“I’m… pretty sure,” Discord replied dryly, eyeing up the humongous black hive only a few meters in front of them. “Chrysalis may have set up shop far away from Canterlot, but it still sticks out more than a bit. Then again, she never was all that strong in the brains department.”

Bad Dude climbed off his shoulders and looked up at him. “Don’t say that! We want her on our team, remember?”

Discord groaned. “Oh, I know, Bad Dude, this super villain league of yours. A pipedream, I must say.” He grinned thinly. “I still don’t know why we need anyone else. Ever since you landed both Celestia and Luna in the hospital from heart problems, all of Equestria is basically up for grabs. And you and I could be the ones grabbing all those things! Right now, even!”

“Because it would be fun to have even more villains with us—we’d all be friends!”

“I wouldn’t go using the ‘f-word’ around other villains, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude raised a brow. “Fudge?”

“No. ‘Friends’.” Discord shook his head. “They might think you’re trying to convert them to the good side. And I’m sure they’ve gotten enough of that fluff from Twilight Sparkle already…”

Bad Dude thought for a moment. “Well, I don’t think there’s any problem with villains having other villain friends. We could look out for each other! And if we work together, I just know we’d be unstoppable!”

Discord stroked his beard. “Well, I’m not about to disagree with you about that, it’s just getting all of the big names working together seems… rather impossible, honestly, which is why I’ll be leaving this upcoming meeting for you to handle.”

Bad Dude shrunk a bit. “You mean you’re not coming in with me?”

“She didn’t send a personal letter to me, did she?” He chuckled. “But don’t believe any of the lies she might say about me in there. Centuries ago, when I knew her, I was practically wasted every single day. For all I know, I might’ve actually done something mean to her.”

“What’s ‘wasted’ mean?”

Discord smirked. “It means you’ve become too awesome for normal ponies to properly comprehend anymore.”

Bad Dude’s eyes popped open. “Wow! We should get wasted together sometime, Discord!”

“Maybe when you’re older.” Discord knelt down to him and handed him a loaded paper bag. “Now here’s a lunch incase you get hungry in there. I got you a cheese string and some peanut butter crackers. And a couple of pudding cups.”

“Two pudding cups?”

“Well, no, not really. I ate one so as to teach you not to trust others so readily and take them on their word. It was quite a delicious lesson, I must say.”

Bad Dude took the bag from him. “Thanks, Discord.” He smiled brightly. “Wish me luck!”

He took a few steps in the direction of the giant hive before Discord roughly cleared his throat. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Bad Dude whirled around. “Oh, right!”

Using his elastic neck, Discord lowered his head until it was at the same level as Bad Dude’s. When Bad Dude put his face close to his, they rubbed their noses together. Bad Dude couldn’t help but giggle.

“That tickles!”

Discord stood back up and smiled. “Crystal Empire kisses. I know I shouldn’t on the account it might end up killing me due to your adorableness, but alas…”

“How’s your heart doing?” Bad Dude asked him curiously.

Discord patted his leg. “Better, ever since I moved it to a more secure location. Still hurts, but I think I can manage.”

“That’s good. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone on the team.”

“Well…” Discord said smoothly, “if you happen to kill Chrysalis while you’re in there, I won’t hold it against you.”

Bad Dude turned around again. “I’d better go or I’ll be late. I’ll see you in a bit, Discord.”

“Remember what I said now!” Discord yelled after him. “Remember rule number one!”

“I remember!” Bad Dude called back. “Rule number one: don’t betray Discord!”

Bad Dude stood in the hive’s dark entryway for close to a minute before he heard a scurrying noise from its dank depths. A large part of him wanted to leave, but he remained where he stood and tried to appear cool, calm, and collected all at once. Sadly, focusing on all three at the same time made him look more confused than anything, almost as if in the midst of a sneeze.

“Bad Dude,” cooed a smooth voice, echoing off the hives many rounded walls, “so good of you to join us today.”

Bad Dude squinted into the dark. “Queen Chrysalis? Is that you?”

He heard the flutter of paper-thin wings and someone land on the ground up ahead of him. Queen Chrysalis illuminated her horn with an eerie green glow and smiled at him warmly.

“I like the cape,” she told him.

Bad Dude looked at it. “Thank you! I like your, uh… crown thingy.”

Chrysalis gave him a nod. “Shall I show you around the place?”

Bad Dude stared at his hooves. “Uh… okay… sure.”

Chrysalis took a step down the hall before she noticed Bad Dude hadn’t moved from the entrance. “Coming, dear?”

His cheeks went crimson and he couldn’t meet her eyes. “It’s kinda dark in here… could you… could you hold my hoof as we walk?”

Chrysalis surprised him with a smile. “Of course, Bad Dude. I always thought about adding a window to the place, then realized how much changelings really don’t like the sun.” She went back to him and held his tiny hoof in her own. Then she grimaced and rubbed at her chest.

“You okay?” Bad Dude asked.

“Just my heart—gave a little lurch there.”

“Oh, that sometimes happens to ponies when they’re around me. I really don’t know how to control it.”

Chrysalis raised a curious brow as they started walking together down the hall. “So is that how you bested Celestia and Luna before? Some mystical magic only available to Earth ponies, perhaps?”

“I figure everyone just thinks I’m cute.” He looked up at her with a pout. “I don’t think I’m all that cute. I think I’m terrifying! I took Celestia’s personal cookies and everything! What do you think?”

Chrysalis shut her eyes with a grunt and rubbed at her chest again. “I think you’re more dangerous than I first gave you credit for, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude gasped and let go of her hoof. He reached for something underneath his cape. “I almost forgot! I got you something!”

Chrysalis angled her head. “Really? Something for little old me? How very thoughtful.”

He set down a greasy paper bag on the floor and looked up at her with excitement. “These are called crullers and they’re my very favorite donut in the whole world! I had to take some when my dad wasn’t looking. He runs a donut shop in Canterlot and—” He stopped himself suddenly. “But I probably shouldn’t be telling you stuff like that until I get to know you better.”

Cautiously, Chrysalis opened the bag and took a look inside. She gave them a faint sniff. “These smell rather sugary.”

Bad Dude nodded happily. “Yep! Because they’re covered in sweet glaze! And it’s funny because that’s also my name!” Again, he blushed and looked away from her. “Can you forget I said that, please?”

“No problem.” She sighed as she knelt to him. “Sadly, changelings can’t handle real food all too well. We rely on emotions to survive, like love; but… having said that, I can allow for some of my drones to have the smallest of nibbles as long as they take the form of a normal pony first.”

Bad Dude furrowed his brows. “Huh?”

Bringing a hoof to her mouth, Chrysalis whistled loudly. Not even a second later did the same hall they were standing in became flooded with dozens of smaller changelings. When Bad Dude noticed most of them staring at him, he straightened out his cape and tried to appear a bit taller. It was still intimidating, though. If he knew there’d be so many of them, he would’ve brought more crullers along with him.

“Everyone,” Chrysalis announced clearly, “this is Bad Dude. Bad Dude, this is everyone. Well, not everyone—more like one-percent, but you get what I mean.”

Bad Dude waved at them timidly. “Hi.”

More than a few of the changelings glanced to others around them suspiciously.

Then Bad Dude thought of something. “What did you mean by ‘form of a normal pony’?”

“I’ll show you.” Chrysalis looked around at her drones. “Whoever wants a small bite of donut come forward, but before you eat, take the form of Bad Dude here, since he is the only pony we have that we can copy from.”

A lone changeling eventually exited from the mass of others and strolled up to Bad Dude. After carefully looking him over for a moment, he erupted into green flames and reappeared as a perfect copy of him. When Bad Dude gasped, the copy of himself did the same a second later. When Bad Dude jumped up and down on the spot, the changeling followed suit, matching his overjoyed expression as well.

Behind Bad Dude, Chrysalis retrieved a donut from the bag and broke it into a dozen tiny pieces. She used her horn to levitate a piece over to the Bad Dude copy, who gobbled it up greedily. After he swallowed, his eyes lit up and he ran to Bad Dude to tightly hug him before hurrying over to Chrysalis with pleading eyes.

Chrysalis shook her head. “Nope! You’ve had your piece. Anymore and you’ll get sick.” She added to Bad Dude, “When a changeling copies a pony, we also copy a lesser version of their stomachs and the like, allowing us very small portions of food; although anything bigger than a bite would be bad. Okay, who’s next?”

Over the next handful of minutes, her drones walked up one by one and took on the form of Bad Dude before receiving a nibble of donut. Most had close to the same reaction as the first changeling that approached—an instant love and admiration of sweet and greasy pastries.

At least this let Bad Dude feel more at ease in front of all of them. Instead of glaring at him with concern, the drones (now appearing like several dozen versions of himself) looked at him with mild amounts of awe. Bad Dude was almost getting sore by the constant barrage of hugs.

“Do you think…?” Bad Dude started hesitantly after his donuts had been gorged. “Queen Chrysalis, do you think we could play a quick game of hide and seek since there’s so many of me right now? I’ve always wanted to play that game with a bunch of foals, but none of the kids at school ever want to.”

“Hide and seek, Bad Dude?” Chrysalis said snidely. “Not too childish for a great villain such as yourself?”

“Me and Discord play hide and seek all the time!” he admitted proudly. “In other dimensions, too.”

Chrysalis chuckled. “I only kid, Bad Dude. You are my guest, so we shall do what you wish. I shall give you… what? Sixty seconds to hide?” All warmth left her face and she frowned at him deeply. “And then the moment those sixty seconds expire, I will hunt you down and not stop until I find you.”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened against his head and he gulped.

She flashed him a smile. “And call me Chrysalis. We’re supposed to be partners, aren’t we?”

Twenty seconds after Chrysalis turned her back to them, Bad Dude ran in the opposite direction with the multiple dozen Bad Dude copies nipping at his heels. Some dispersed and went down different halls, while some took off their disguise to fly up to unreachable alcoves hidden deep in shadows.

When he got to the end of a tunnel and had no where else to turn, he spun around to the two Bad Dude’s still following behind him. He asked, “Could you two fly me up somewhere to hide?”

The changelings glanced at each other before dropping their appearances and hooking two legs around Bad Dude’s middle. In a flurry of wings, they hurriedly rose into the air before setting him down in a small pitch-black cave. Bad Dude poked his head out to glance down below. By this point in time, his eyes must’ve adjusted to the gloom in the place, because he could actually make out most everything below him.

Chrysalis entered the hallway not a second later and began going from secret crevice to secret crevice in search of him. She pulled out four Bad Dude copies and gave each one of them a little shake before they returned to their original form. She glanced up the hall.

“I will find you, Bad Dude!” she declared. “Mark my words!”

Bad Dude had to stifle his giggles with a hoof. He was having way too much fun doing this.

Why did Discord think villains couldn’t have other villain friends? he thought oddly.

He peeked over the lip of his small cave again and found the hall below him empty. He smirked. Chrysalis hadn’t even been able to—

“Found you!” Chrysalis screamed as she appeared right in front of him, her mane wild and her eyes filled with venomous fury.

Bad Dude screamed and shielded himself with two hooves. Then he lowered them when he heard the sound of Chrysalis laughing.

“Should have… seen the look on your face…” she said through bouts of giggles. She wiped away a freefalling tear. “That was enjoyable, Bad Dude. I haven’t been in this part of the hive for quite some time. Remind me we need to dust in here soon.”

Chrysalis flew him down after he climbed onto her back and wrapped his legs around her shoulders. He didn’t see how wings so thin could support them both, but somehow they flew just fine. Chrysalis was a whole lot cooler than his history books had suggested.

Back on the ground, Bad Dude told her, “I’m glad those other changelings liked the donuts. I just wish I could’ve brought you something.”

Chrysalis waved a hoof. “That’s all right, Bad Dude. I’m glad you came. It gives us a chance to talk about the future.”

Bad Dude’s eyes shot open. “I know! You said changelings eat love, right?”

“Well, yes, I—”

Before she could finish her sentence, Bad Dude wrapped himself around one of her legs and rubbed his face into her shell. Chrysalis jolted and her cheeks puffed out. When she finally opened her mouth, she belched loud enough to echo down the rest of the hallway.

Softly, she pushed Bad Dude away while rubbing at her stomach. “Wow. That was rich. And filling, too.”

Bad Dude extended two hooves to her. “Want another one?”

Chrysalis shook her head adamantly. “Oh, no, no, no. I have to keep my figure thin and trim, Bad Dude. A large part of villainy is our appearance, is it not?” She glanced at his cape and he nodded in return. “So did you have fun with my children today?”

He agreed at once. “Totally! They were so much fun to play with, even if they did all look like me. I had no idea it was so much fun playing with yourself! I’d play with myself all day long if I could!”

In a heap of giggles, Chrysalis crumpled to the floor, tears welling up in both eyes.

Bad Dude looked at her bemused. “What did I say?”

Chrysalis snorted. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“So does this mean you’ll join my league of super villains, then?”

Her laughter dried and she got to her hooves again. “Your what? I thought you came here to join my hive, Bad Dude. What did you have in mind exactly?”

He extended a hoof below his cape to extend it outwards dramatically. “The Coalition of United Terrible Evils! All of Equestria’s most feared villains teaming up to take on the world!” He looked at her expectantly. “Sounds cool, right?”

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “Sounds rather difficult and near impossible. Who is part of this group already?”

“Well, there’s me… and Discord…”

She pursed her lips. “Discord… you ever thought of betraying him and coming to work for me instead?”

He shook his head. “I wouldn’t do that! Discord’s my friend.”

“Villains aren’t supposed to have friends, Bad Dude.”

He stomped a hoof angrily. “Why does everyone keep saying that? Villains can have other villain friends! Why not?”

“Usually because they end up backstabbing each another until there’s no one left standing.”

“Okay, but all we got to do is not do that. It’s simple!”

Chrysalis thought for a while. “Who else do you have planned for this little group of yours?”

“Well, next I’m going to go see King Sombra and convince him to join. He sent me his cape after my run in with the Princesses.”

She looked at him surprised. “Sombra’s still alive? Didn’t he blow up into a million tiny pieces a few years back?” She stopped herself. “I’ll tell you what, Bad Dude, since I like you quite a bit and think you have a lot of potential in the world of villainy: if you get Sombra on board, I’ll give your little team a go. I won’t guarantee much, but I will admit it does all sound rather tempting. Although if I did join, my first order of business would be kicking Discord out.”

“Thank you, Chrysalis! I know you won’t regret it!” Without realizing what he was doing, Bad Dude lunged forward again and wrapped Chrysalis up in another hug. What followed was a belch that made the first one sound more like a pin drop.

After it was over, Chrysalis told him wearily, “You really need to start warning me before doing that.”

Bad Dude stared down at his hooves again. “Okay.”

Author's Notes:

Next up is Sombra!

Used a picture of a character called Shady Daze because he seemed closest to how I'd imagine Bad Dude minus cape. If anyone can find anything better, please let me know. I suck at finding images.

Soup With Sombra

“I’m cold,” Discord complained irritably. “I’m cold and I don’t want to be here and I’d rather be somewhere else and warm and in the exact opposite direction of this place.”

Bad Dude looked up at the lengthy draconequus, who currently had a puffy winter jacket around his torso and a pair of pink mittens over his hands. A pair of mismatching socks covered his horns, billowing around in the rushing, chilly air.

Bad Dude, meanwhile, wore a scarf and a pair of ear warmers to help battle against the cold. At the moment, they were on a snow-covered mountain top, overlooking a valley of lush green trees and frozen lakes—somewhere on the outskirts of the Frozen North, according to Discord.

Bad Dude frowned. “You complain a lot.”

Discord rubbed at his arms while his teeth chattered. “Just wait until you get older, Bad Dude, and the crushing weight of the world and adult responsibilities start eating away at you. Trust me, it’s no fun growing up. Want my advice?”

Bad Dude thought for a moment. “Okay.”

“Stay a child forever. Never grow up.”

“I’ll try.”

When Discord spun around from the breathtaking view, Bad Dude did the same. They were facing a tall rock wall with a lengthy crack slashed directly down its middle. At the bottom was an opening barely wide enough for a pony to pass through.

Discord jerked a thumb at the narrow cave entrance. “So Sombra’s holed up in there, eh?”

“That’s what his letter said.”

Discord raised a brow. “How’d he ever get a letter to you from all the way out here, anyway? Seems rather convenient, doesn’t it?”

Bad Dude shrugged. “I dunno, maybe with dark, evil unicorn magic or something. I heard King Sombra’s really talented, though. I’m sure he can do all sorts of things!”

Discord snorted. “Oh, he sure is talented all right. What records does he hold again? Fastest defeat? Mildest threat? Least menacing? Number one exploder? Hardest to understand?”

Bad Dude retied his scarf as the wind whipped it around. “Well, he did have a whole empire to himself. And an army. Not many villains had those.”

“That’s because all other villains got the work done on their own and didn’t rely on armies to do their work for them.” He cracked his mitten-covered knuckles. “And I think you’re missing a very important term here, Bad Dude: Sombra had an army. Was does he have now? A cave? What’s he going to bring to the team? His varied rock collection?”

Discord laughed at his own joke until his eyes started to water, then he stopped when his tears froze to his face and he had to painfully peel them away. When he noted Bad Dude’s less than amused expression, he ruffled his mane with a claw.

“Oh, Bad Dude, I only jest,” he giggled out. “You should know the routine by now. But does our team really need someone like Sombra? Like… really? I’m still astonished you managed to get Chrysalis on the team at all, but isn’t that enough?” He raised an ice-coated brow and looked down at Bad Dude curiously. “Chrysalis never mentioned any thoughts of ‘betrayal,’ did she? When she agreed to join the group?”

Bad Dude glanced down nervously, happy the redness on his cheeks could be blamed on the cold. He pursed his lips. He’d already told a rather large fib when he told Discord Chrysalis had official joined their team. But she sort of had joined, hadn’t she? The only part he was leaving out was that she’d only join if Sombra was onboard. Bad Dude only hoped he knew what was best for everyone. Then again, didn’t true villains tell lies all the time?

After a long pause, Bad Dude elegantly explained his thoughts to Discord: “Nope.”

Discord narrowed his eyes at him. “So Chrysalis didn’t say anything about kicking me out of the group?”

Bad Dude did his best to avert Discord’s gaze. “Nope.”

Sighing aloud, Discord relaxed a bit. “All right, just making sure—very solid defense on your part, by the way; but my original question still stands: do we need Sombra or is it more likely that he needs us right now?”

“Maybe a little of both?” Bad Dude answered brightly. “I mean, if we help him out now, then he’ll help us out later. And… and if other villains know we help out other villains, than they might wanna join us, too. I bet… I bet we could even hold auditions later on!”

Discord slapped his face with a paw. “Great! Then we’ll have every second rate ne’er-do-well trying to leech off of us!” He added in a mocking tone: “My name’s Terrible Thompson and I once ate my entire lunch without using my napkin. And did I ever tell you about that toilet I clogged at a friend’s house and never told him about?”

When Bad Dude glared at him, Discord roughly shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and sighed. “Fine. Go get your Sombra. Go get your special little cape friend! Just don’t go blaming me when he has no interest in joining. If it were up to me, I’d go tell Twilight and the other Elements exactly where he is and be done with him for good. One less weirdo in the world.”

Bad Dude hesitantly glanced at the dark crack in the mountain. “So you’re not coming with me again?”

“Noticing the pattern?” Discord smirked. “This is all your show, Bad Dude. You want your super group? Then you go and collect the members and then I’ll see where we stand. But fear not, young one, for I have set up counter measures incase something horrible should arise while you’re inside. Hold out your hoof.”

Bad Dude did and Discord set a silver whistle onto it.

“Just blow into that should something happen in there.”

Bad Dude looked up at him. “And then you’ll come running in to save me?”

Discord laughed. “What? No, but… I dunno… maybe Sombra has a fear of whistles or something?”

Bad Dude slumped in the snow. He grumbled more to himself, “You’re really not as helpful as you could be.”

Discord patted his shoulder, pushing him deeper into the snow. “Then I think we’re finally starting to get to know each other.”

Once he had his gear in place, Bad Dude took another icy breath and made the short march towards the entrance to the cave. Then he gave one last wave to Discord before plunging into the all consuming darkness.

Bad Dude walked for several meters before finally finding the great King Sombra. As much as Bad Dude had wanted their first meeting to be a success (Sombra had always been his favorite villain, ever since glimpsing the dark figure with the blood red cape in his history books), the first thing that happened between the pair was that Bad Dude ended up tripping over him.

“Ouch!” Bad Dude yelled as he toppled forward and face-planted onto the cold stone floor.

The fuzzy body he’d barely touched in the pitch blackness sprung to life and hurriedly scampered away. A moment later, in the oppressive dark, exploded a pair of red-and-green eyes each the size of Bad Dude’s entire head. As Bad Dude got back to his hooves, the floating eyes focused on him and a large booming voice spoke, “Who dares try and sneak into King Sombra’s domain?”

The deep, rich voice echoed throughout the cave and after speaking, the pair of eyes were joined by the images of a sharp red horn and several rows of sharp teeth, large enough to swallow Bad Dude whole.

“King Sombra will not be defeated so easily this time!” the cold voice continued.

Bad Dude gasped at the floating images. Then he happily sat on the ground and clapped his hooves together. “That was awesome! Can you do that again?”

The burning eyes charged at him. “Who dares speak to me in such—” Then they stopped, and the bodiless voice quieted. “Wait… who is this?”

“Bad Dude,” Bad Dude answered earnestly. “You sent me a letter, remember?”

At the top of the cave, a thin tarp was pulled away, revealing a jagged hole that let sunlight fall into the room. The images of the venomous eyes, horn, and teeth dissipated in the air and Bad Dude was left standing in a tiny pocket of cut rock, no bigger than his small bedroom back home.

On the other side of the room was a hastily made throne carved out of rock—so terribly sculpted it was closer to a beanbag chair than anything even remotely royal. The tip of a horribly frayed tail poked out the side of the rock structure.

“King Sombra?” Bad Dude asked tentatively. “Is… is that you?”

Bad Dude could hear the figure behind the chair busy themselves by straightening out their mane and roughly clearing their throat. Once they’d done that, they finally emerged and stepped back out into the room. Bad Dude was a little more than surprised by the sight.

Bad Dude pursed his lips awkwardly. “King Sombra?”

“Obviously,” Sombra replied, his voice far more characteristic of the figure of Sombra in Bad Dude’s head than what he was now seeing.

Unlike his history pictures, Sombra had no cape to speak of on his back. His mane and tail, although recently touched up, were badly frayed and messy—bits of pebbles and twigs stuck in his hair. The king appeared gaunt, too; the cheekbones on his face clearly visible. He even had the beginnings of an unkempt beard on the way, conspiring to overtake the rest of his pointed face.

It was as if someone had taken Sombra and shoved him in a closet the moment since his defeat and then completely forgotten about him.

“Bad Dude.” The king looked him over for a moment. “I must say I was expecting someone… what? A tad bigger than you? But, alas, I shall make things work, either way.” He angled his head to glance at Bad Dude’s cape. “And there’s that cape I heard about. Or is that a towel? I really can’t tell from here.”

Bad Dude looked away from him. “It’s my old foal blanket, actually. I used one of my mom’s towels before, but she got mad when I stuck a pin through it.”

“Still, a cape is a cape.” On jittery legs, Sombra proceeded across the room before sitting on the cold stone floor. He rested his head on a hoof. “You wish to be called Prince Bad Dude, then? If you are to become my honorable disciple?”

Bad Dude had to force a hoof under his chin to keep the giggles from shooting out of his mouth. He gingerly looked at Sombra again. “I mean… if you wanted to, I guess. I won’t stop you from calling me that or anything.”

Sombra stared at him dryly. “You keep averting your gaze. Could it be my appearance at the current moment?”

Bad Dude instantly shook his head. “Oh, no. Nothing like that… I’m just… I’m just…” He tried to think of something, but nothing came to him. “I’m just enjoying your… rock house… thingy.”

“My cell, you mean,” Sombra clarified, “until I regain my strength again and am able to take back what was mine.” He barked out a single laugh. “You might not know this, but being torn into a thousand pieces by the power of love takes a lot out of you. It’s not something you can just trot off, sadly.”

Bad Dude nodded in understanding. “I know! Like this one time, I fell off my bike and got an oowie on my leg and then couldn’t ride it again for like… three whole days.”

Sombra stared at him unblinkingly. “Yes, exactly like that. The rightful king of the Crystal Empire got an oowie and now he’s stuck in a cave.”

A little more confident that he wasn’t going to be eaten or anything, Bad Dude took a few steps towards him and sat on the ground in front of him. It wasn’t until the pouch on his back rubbed against him that he remembered about it.

Bad Dude’s eyes shot open. “Oh! Do you like soup?”

“I’ve heard of it,” Sombra replied.

“Because I brought you some!” Bad Dude opened the pouch under his cape and brought out a Power Ponies-brand thermos. He spun the top and began filling the attached bowl. “You said in your letter than you were recovering and I know whenever I get sick, my mom always makes me soup to make me feel better.” He looked up at him. “Did your mom ever do anything like that for you?”

“I had my mother executed when she joined the rebellion against me,” Sombra answered emotionlessly.

“It that a no?”

“Obviously.”

When the tiny soup bowl was full, Bad Dude nudged it towards him. Sombra lowered his head to investigate its contents. “What kind?” he asked.

“Vegetable,” Bad Dude told him helpfully, “with those tiny bits of pasta in the shape of ponies. It might be a little cold, because of how long it took to get here…”

The horn atop Sombra’s head illuminated in a red glow and a laser shot out to the base of the soup bowl. Seconds later, the contents began to steam and the faint aroma of soup filled the small cave. Sombra’s stomach rumbled and he took a dainty sip of the soup, before sloshing it around his mouth.

Finally, he swallowed. “It will suffice.”

As Sombra drank from the collectable Power Ponies-brand bowl, Bad Dude asked him, “Horns sure are awesome, huh?”

“Obviously,” Sombra agreed, drinking another mouthful of soup.

“So if you haven’t left the cave in years, what have you been living off of, then?”

“Hatred,” Sombra replied bluntly, “pure, unfiltered hatred for all those that bested and defeated me years ago.”

Bad Dude nodded. “What’s hatred taste like?”

“Bitter.” While Sombra continued to eat, he added morosely, “You caught me during one of my many daily naps. I have very little strength anymore, so I sleep most of my days away. I’ve never needed to use my magical defense system before, but… I guess you saw what I’m still capable of.”

“You mean all those spooky images and the big, scary voice stuff?”

Sombra nodded.

“I thought that was awesome! I wish I could do something like that.”

Sombra brought up his bowl to try and hide his faint smile. Bad Dude saw it anyways and felt the urge to giggle again.

“Enjoy the cape I sent you?” Sombra said. “It was one of my older models.”

Bad Dude smiled. “You bet! I basically sleep with it every single night now!”

Sombra raised a brow. “Don’t mind the blood stains?”

Bad Dude’s smile faded. “The what?”

“Never mind.” Sombra finished his bowl and set it down, then with a grunt he got to his hooves again and strolled to one of the corners of the room. “Let me show you around the place. In this corner behind my throne is my rock collection. I’ve been collecting them for years.”

Peering around Sombra’s back, Bad Dude found a small mound of different rocks pressed up against the corner of the room. When Sombra turned to him, he pretended to gasp in admiration. “Wow! That’s… umm… a whole lot of rocks you got there!”

Sombra nodded. “Obviously. Now let me show you another corner of my home.”

For the next five minutes, the pair traveled to all four corners of the room, each with their own small collection of rocks. Desperately, Bad Dude tried to find a theme of some kind, but couldn’t see a single difference between any of the piles. Maybe spending years alone in the cold and the dark turned your brain into mush?

Bad Dude only hoped Sombra wasn’t always this weird.

Sombra held out a hoof-sized rock out to him. “I’ve even started rock sculpting. Guess what this is.”

Bad Dude took a shot in the dark. “A potato?”

With a frown, Sombra growled, “What? No, it’s Celestia. Can’t you—” He halted himself and rubbed a hoof along his temple. “You have any idea how hard it is to sculpt with no tools? To only use your teeth to create beautiful art?” He sighed. “Never mind. Enough frivolity. Let’s get down to business.”

He returned to the center of the room to sit down again. He asked Bad Dude tiredly, “So you wish to aid me in my quest to recapture the Crystal Empire, then?”

Bad Dude nervously rubbed at a leg. “Actually… I was hoping you’d join my group, instead.”

“You have a group?” Sombra said with a cocked brow.

“Yep. The Coalition of United Terrible Evils. There’s me… and Discord… and Queen Chrysalis…”

Sombra looked at him curiously. “Really? You speak the truth? Discord, yes, I could see that beast joining anyone that would tolerate him for a time, but Chrysalis, too? I must say… that makes things a lot more interesting.” He scratched at his unkempt cheek. “Truth be told, how you and I were to reclaim the Empire alone was still a rather fat question… but if we could wield Chrysalis’ army to help us…” His red-and-green eyes flashed devilishly. “But are you sure Chrysalis is on board with us?”

Again, Bad Dude had to think about the betterment of the group. He nodded. “And once we’re all set up, we’re going to have a home base and matching t-shirts and—”

Sombra stopped him with a hoof. “No. King Sombra doesn’t do t-shirts.”

“Oh.” Bad Dude paused. “Matching hats?”

Sombra laughed deeply. “And cover up my mane? I may be cruel, Bad Dude, but I would never be so cruel as to deny the public the glorious sight of my perfectly styled mane.” His eyes glanced upward. “I mean, once I find my strength again and get around to fixing it.”

Sombra's cold eyes found Bad Dude’s and held them.

“So Chrysalis has an army at her disposal; Discord has untold magical resources; so what is it that you do, young Prince? Just how was it that you bested two of the most powerful beings in existence when none of us could before?”

The question caused Bad Dude’s face to flush and his throat to go dry. Truth be told, he really didn’t know how everything came to be in Celestia’s office—only that he’d been dead set on becoming a villain and had displayed that to both Princess Celestia and Luna. As much as he wished they’d been terrified into submission, Discord was quick to inform him it was because of something completely else.

They’d thought he was cute. Adorable, even. Enough so to cause them pain.

But wasn’t that a little terrifying in its own right?

Bad Dude stood up and straightened out his cape, lifting his chin high. “I beat them because I’m adorable!”

Sombra furrowed his brows. “Come again?”

“Because I’m cute, I said! And they… uhh… just couldn’t handle it! That’s… uhh… that’s sort of it, actually. I hang around ponies and it makes their hearts hurt. Even Discord has to be careful around me.”

Sombra’s features became rigid. “I hope for your sake, you are only telling me this to be amusing.”

Bad Dude tensed and thought about the whistle Discord had given him. “Umm… no?”

“Then your powers rely on your abilities to attack the heart? Is that so?”

“More or less.”

Sombra smiled, but it added little warmth to his expression. “Then what ever would you do to someone like me? Someone with no heart to speak of?”

Whistle. Remember, he might not like whistles. “You don’t have a heart? I learned in school that most ponies can’t live without hearts and—”

“But I am not like most ponies, Bad Dude,” Sombra warned. “Do you wish to test out this special talent of yours? I am most excited to see it.”

“Well… okay…” Nervously, Bad Dude walked around the room, before deciding on a tactic. Like a bolt of lightning, he rushed over to Sombra with the largest smile he could muster while jumping up and down on the spot. His cape flapped around on his back.

Sombra grinned. “Amusing. What else?”

Next, Bad Dude went to one of the rock collections and selected one at random. He then balanced it on the tip of his nose while standing on just his back legs.

He could see Sombra’s smile falter as he held a hoof out to him. “Now be careful with that one. That’s a bust of the Crystal Heart, if you couldn’t tell.”

On one leg, Bad Dude did a twirl. “Really? I thought it was another potato.”

“Well, you’re wrong, because—” Sombra grunted as he held a hoof to his chest. He shut his eyes for a moment.

“You want me to stop?” Bad Dude asked.

Sombra laughed again—uneasily. “Why would I? I already told you I have no heart to speak of.”

“Oh, yeah?” Bad Dude dared, before he rushed over to him and pounced on him for a hug. “You sure?”

“Just fine… I’m just fine…” Sombra wheezed as his chin began to tremble. When Bad Dude rubbed his head into his chest, Sombra’s nose leaked a thin trail of blood. “Okay… I’m not fine… not fine!”

Bad Dude let go of him as he collapsed to the floor. Angrily, Sombra wiped away the blood from his nose.

“You okay?” Bad Dude asked.

“Never better,” Sombra snarled. “It must’ve just been the dry mountain air giving me a nosebleed. Happens all the time up here.” He kept his eyes away from Bad Dude’s. “Well, it’s been a rather interesting afternoon, but I’d better continue my rest. Send word when your group is ready to meet and we will go forth from there.”

Bad Dude went to the mouth of the cave and found the billowing snow outside had increased into a frenzy. The sight alone made him shiver. “Do you think I could wait in here until the snow dies down?”

Sombra shrugged. “Suit yourself, but I require my sleep. Admire the rock collections, if you wish.”

Like a sack of potato-shaped rocks, Sombra collapsed to the ground and started snoring. Left to his own devices, Bad Dude circled the room before growing bored and laying on the floor as well. Soon his teeth started chattering out of his control.

“It’s really cold in here, King Sombra,” he admitted quietly.

Sombra didn’t move a muscle from the floor. “So?”

“So I’m really cold.”

After a moment of deliberation, Sombra sighed. “Fine, but utter no words of this to anyone.”

The next second, Bad Dude was encased in a red aura and tugged over to him. Once next to the peacefully slumbering king, Sombra wrapped him up with both forelegs and allowed him some of his warmth.

Bad Dude immediately stopped shaking. He deliberated with himself before telling Sombra quietly, “Don’t tell the others, but you’re actually my favorite villain of them all.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I also think you’re really warm and fluffy up close.”

“Obviously.”

Sombra waited a while, before speaking, “I think my first order of business in our group will be—”

“I know, I know,” Bad Dude interrupted, “kicking Discord out.”

Sombra peeled one eye open. “What? No. I was going to say taking a nice, long shower. Honestly, I stink. I’m surprised you’re not gagging right now.”

Bad Dude brightened a bit. “So you actually don’t want to kick out Discord?”

“I never said that, Bad Dude. Only shower first, remove Discord second. But stay your tongue, young Prince. We sleep and then we never speak of this again.”

Bad Dude closed his eyes contently. “Okay.”

Author's Notes:

Tirek up next! 1/2 because no one likes Tirek.

Toffee With Tirek

“Tartarus looks a lot different than what I thought it would,” Bad Dude admitted, seated comfortably on one of Tartarus’ many lobby room chairs. Discord sat in the chair next to him, one leg crossed over the other and his head buried in a floating upside-down magazine.

He lowered it to glance around the large place. “Seems it has, hasn’t it?”

At the entrance doors, Discord and Bad Dude had been stopped and searched by a pair of armored guards. Bad Dude had left his cape in his pack under Discord’s directions—it seemed he was already becoming more notorious than he at first believed.

Upon entering the long and dark halls of Tartarus, Bad Dude gasped in awe by what he saw: the long rows of burning torches adorning the walls; the cliffs and deep chasms of light-blue rock jutting out in all directions; the deep pockets of pure darkness that seemed to go on for eternity. Sadly, all that wonderment fell away the moment him and Discord entered Tartarus’ main lobby room.

It was as if someone had placed the entire floor of a functioning office building inside the labyrinthine prison and filled it with a bunch of well-dressed workers.

The large office area had twelve desks and a reception area by the front. Dozens of ponies in dress shirts and skirts went from desk to desk and through other doors on the sides, carrying all sorts of files, notebooks, and quills. Two ponies standing by a water cooler busily discussed the latest entry to a hot, new book series called Making a Sandwich, which by the sounds of it was impossible to put down yet infuriating all the same. Something to do with toppings that just didn’t belong in the sandwich to begin with and which might’ve been planted there…

Bad Dude couldn’t help but sigh when he looked the place over. It was all just so normal. Even Cerberus, Tartarus’ three headed dog, spent its time sleeping on a giant dog pillow placed against the wall, scratching at itself. It didn’t seem even remotely interested in guarding anything anymore.

Bad Dude hugged his small pack to his chest. “I don’t get it, Discord. This is Tartarus, right? Where they keep all the dangerous villains and stuff?”

Discord nodded, opening up another magazine. “It is, only it’s changed somewhat over the years. The last big emergency that happened here was when Tirek escaped and since then… nadda-zip-zilch.” He stroked his beard with a claw. “True villains are a dying breed, Bad Dude. Most new villains are sadly being befriended instead of defeated, meaning less of them are being sent down here to be looked after. With fewer inmates and with the same amount of funds coming in from Canterlot… it means Tartarus becomes more modernized and with the times.”

Bad Dude looked up at him. “So… that would mean it would be easier to take it over, too, right?”

Discord chuckled. “Oh, I wouldn’t be thinking that big yet, boss. This still is very much so Tartarus, the only difference being the added office decor. There’s still guards at the doors and entrances; large dogs ready to spring at any moment’s notice; security measures up the wazoo. I’m more than certain the place was tightened considerably after all that nasty Tirek business. You see those doors, Bad Dude?”

Discord looked over Bad Dude’s head and pointed with a claw. Behind the rows of desks and workers was a large set of steel doors with a spinning vault-type handle. A sign above the door read: “CAUTION: INMATE HOLDING AREA—TARTARUS PERSONNEL ONLY”.

Bad Dude nodded.

“If you want to talk with Tirek today,” Discord continued, “that’s where you’ll need to go. How you’ll get in is anyone’s guess, though.”

Bad Dude frowned. “But in Tirek’s letter, he said I could come visit him—anytime I wanted to!”

Wrapping an arm around the colt, Discord softly explained, “That letter was sent two weeks ago, kiddo. Since then, Tirek’s tried to escape twice already; perhaps due to the Princesses continued hospitalization.” A slick smile divided the draconequus’ face. “You want my advice?”

Bad Dude looked down to his pack again and pouted. He couldn’t help it. Things weren’t going the way he thought they would. “No…” he muttered miserably.

“Well, that’s too bad.” Discord pulled him to his side until Bad Dude was mashed up against him. “My advice? Forget about him. Tirek? Blah! Useless and old. And a jerk. Super big jerk. And now where is he? Locked away with no hope of retrieval. So what’s the point? Our group’s strong enough as is, Bad Dude. Unstable enough as is. You get what I’m saying, boss?”

Bad Dude frowned harder, causing Discord to grimace and look away from him. Hastily, Bad Dude opened his pack and pulled out a large piece of parchment with a crude drawing on it. He stared at it for a moment before handing it over to Discord.

It was a picture drawn in bright crayons of Bad Dude, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, and Tirek all smiling and standing together side by side. Bad Dude was perched on Discord’s shoulder, waving at the viewer.

Bad Dude touched the picture Discord was holding. “I always thought it would be the five of us… maybe more, if we could find some. But I think getting Tirek is important. He’s old… so that means he knows stuff! And who else came so close to taking over Equestria before? No one! And… and I think if he hadn’t have betrayed you like he had, he would’ve done a whole lot better. That’s why I think it’s important we all be friends—the five of us. Good friends. The only reason you all lost before is because you were alone. But now you’re not and we need to keep it that way.”

Chewing on his tongue, Discord sighed and held the picture out. “You know this doesn’t look anything like me, right?”

Bad Dude grumbled and snatched the picture back, careful to slide it back into his pack as gently as he could. He pushed himself off his chair. “I’m going to go see him myself, and later on, you’ll be so glad I got him on the team! I’ll show you! I’ll make you two such good friends! Just watch me!”

Tiredly, Discord glanced over him. “I’d like to contradict you, really, I would, but I’m sadly reminded you took down two full-grown alicorns without even touching them. So, go do whatever you wish. Give me a shout in ten seconds time when they turn you away, then.”

Bad Dude bared his teeth at him angrily, then spun around and stormed towards the office area. He only got a single step beyond the lobby floor before someone put a stop to him.

“Can I help you with something, sweetie?”

Bad Dude froze, then looked up to find a mare receptionist with a pair of oval glasses on her head, leaning across her desk. He tried to think of something—anything at all.

A moment later, the receptionist angled her head. “Does one of your parents work here, hun?”

After some mild consideration, Bad Dude decided to go with something as close to the truth as he could. “I’m here to visit Tirek. He said I could come and visit him if I wanted to.”

Some of the receptionist’s good-natured-ness chipped away from her as she began to look concerned. “What did you say your name was again?”

“I didn’t. It’s—” Bad Dude halted himself. He’d given his real name up enough over the last couple of weeks. He smirked when he thought of an alternative. “I’m Sugary Topping.”

The receptionist didn’t seem to buy it. “Sugary Topping? I… guess your parents weren’t the most creative of the bunch.”

Bad Dude shook his head. “Nope. So can I go see Tirek now?”

“Let me go talk to my manager first. He might want to have a few words with you… Sugary Topping.” She avoided his eyes as she left her desk. Was she onto him already? It was definitely possible. A colt asking to speak with Tirek out of the blue after some random “colt” just so happened to take out both the Princesses of the Sun and the Moon?

Bad Dude shook his head. He was going about this all wrong.

Using his mouth to open the pack around his middle, he unfurled his royal blue cape and tied it around his neck. If he was going to enter the bowls of Tartarus themselves, he ought to at least look the part of one extremely venturous villain. Now he only needed the right theme song to go along with his extreme venturing…

“Dah! Dah-dee-dah-dah-dah!” Bad Dude sung to himself merrily, as he crossed over the threshold of the offices and marched down the carpeted hallway. He kept his back pressed against the outer wall, keeping as inconspicuous as he could. Then came the chorus portion of his personal theme song.

“Bad Dude! Do-do-do! Watch out! Something-something-Bad Dude! Blam-blam-blam!”

A stallion carrying a stack of papers exited his cubicle and stared at him curiously. “You’re not supposed to be back—” His dozens of documents fell from his hooves as he gripped his chest and instantly crumpled to the floor. Perhaps it was the continued theme song that had caused the worst of it. Or perhaps it was because at that very moment the stallion glimpsed him, Bad Dude had decided to perform an awesome cartwheel alongside an improvised guitar solo, failing to land the cartwheel when his cape fell over his head and blinded him.

Either way, the worker was out cold and would be for some time.

As Bad Dude gripped the vault door at the back of the office area, he turned to find the receptionist from before returning with an older stallion and a pair of guards to her desk. It seemed his reputation was growing faster than he knew.

With one last giggle, he pushed forward and into the depths of Tartarus.

Tartarus was large. And dark and damp. And most importantly: confusing.

For minutes on end, Bad Dude trekked through its rocky passageways, emerging to trot along narrow bridges that gapped thresholds hundreds of meters across. To all sides of him were never-ending pools of darkness; small circles of light from high-up above helped him to see. Still, it was all a little spooky—especially when something echoed loudly in the far off distance. A scream? A shriek? Someone stubbing their hoof? Bad Dude couldn’t tell.

The first test for Bad Dude came from a set of four similar looking doors.

At the end of a long and snaky path sat four doors, all completely identical. Bad Dude went to the one on the far right first and read its plaque: “THE VOID OF NEVER-ENDING TORMENT”.

Bad Dude whistled in awe. It sounded rather fancy and cool. He reached for the doorknob before quickly drawing his hoof back. “But never-ending’s a while, isn’t it?” he said. “I’d better not. I’m supposed to see Tirek soon.”

Then his eyes opened wide as he read the plaque on the door next to it: “THE VOID OF FIVE-MINUTE TORMENT”.

“Oh! Perfect!” Bad Dude exclaimed, before his elation dropped. “Still… I’d better not. I need to be home for dinner as soon as I can.”

As much as he wanted to explore the contents of the third door—“THE BOTTOMLESS BALLPIT OF DOOM”—Bad Dude ignored it for the last option available; the door on the far left labeled, “THE BIG SLIDE OF UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT”.

Carefully, he nudged open the wooden door to find a slick marble ramp that descended into darkness before shooting back up again in sharp hills and what even appeared like a loop near its end. Bad Dude took a moment to study it over. “It doesn’t look all that disappointing,” he admitted, before taking the plunge and pushing himself down the ramp.

“THE BIG SLIDE OF UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT” ended up being anything but that. During Bad Dude’s three-and-a-half minute ride, he shot down dozens of meters of smooth slide before careening back up and shooting out somewhere close to the ceiling. Once he landed safely on another portion of slide again, he soon gained enough speed to propel himself through the first loop and right into the corkscrew that ended the ride. When he stepped off the “SLIDE OF UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT”, he had to straighten out both his mane and cape from the wind that whirled them into a frenzy.

Back on solid ground, he jumped up and down in excitement, before a thought pulled at him. “I thought it was supposed to be disappointing,” he spoke with a frown, “but it ended up being awesome! So does that mean I’m actually disappointed it wasn’t disappointing?”

Bad Dude had to blink several times to try and clear his head.

“Tartarus is weird,” he said truthfully, before continuing onwards.

Bad Dude found Tirek only ten minutes later, on a lone stone platform that had a single staircase leading to it. Tirek sat at a thin table on a chair, his legs and arms manacled and connected to lengths of chain imbedded into rock. He wore a cloak, but kept the hood down.

He looked old and tired, and watched Bad Dude ascend the stairs with mild curiosity.

“So, at last, he arrives,” Tirek greeted softly, his voice not much more than a whisper.

“Sure did!” Bad Dude replied, trotting up to the table between them and sliding out the second chair. “I gotta say, you were a lot harder to find than—” When Bad Dude finally sat down, his eyes barely crept over the top of the table. He tried to sit a little straighter with little effect.

With a thin finger, Tirek pointed to a stack of books on the floor. “Use some of those, if you wish.”

“Okay!” Bad Dude returned a moment later with a pair of thick texts to prop under his rump and give him a boost up. From the ground, he hauled up his tightly stuffed pack to set on the table. “What’s living in Tartarus like?” Bad Dude quickly chirped.

Tirek smiled thinly. “Imagine the worst day of your life times a thousand, repeated until all things cease to exist anymore.”

Bad Dude gasped. “That sounds horrible! That’s like… that’s like getting a whole ice cream cone only to drop it a second later! That happened to me once… but, I don’t like to think about it much.”

“You…” Tirek took a moment to ponder his words. “You surprise me. Truthfully, I find you almost vexing in nature. Here you are, comparing a lifetime of isolation and torment to an ice cream cone you dropped once upon a time…”

“But did I mention it was strawberry with nuts and whipped cream?”

Tirek held up a chained arm. “Now I understand completely. But before we continue, I must first be convinced this is not all some bizarre trick by the Princesses to deliver me to the side of good. Firstly: which door did you choose on your way here?”

“The slide one,” Bad Dude answered with a nod.

Tirek locked his fingers together. “Not as disappointing as it sounded, was it?”

Bad Dude shook his head.

“Then,” Tirek continued, “you came across a fork in the path. What did you do once you came to it?”

“I took it!” Bad Dude explained brightly.

Tirek furrowed his brows. “You… took it?”

“Uh-huh.” Bad Dude fished through his pack before prying out a large, silver fork that he set before him. “If you stick it close to your ear, it tells you which direction to go. It seemed like something kinda odd to keep in a place like this, so I just thought I’d take it and see what happened.”

Tirek’s grin expanded. “You are a clever lad, I will grant you that. And if what the guards whisper between themselves is true… you are also quite lethal in your methods, are you not?”

“Lethal?” Bad Dude repeated uncertainly.

“Your meeting with the Princesses?”

“Oh! Right!” Bad Dude thought for a moment. “I… umm… sure let them have it! Yessir!”

Now Tirek’s lips curled into a full on snarl. “Did you make them beg for their lives by the end of it? I hope you did.”

Bad Dude glanced away uneasily. “Well… they did make this ‘awwww!’ noise a lot while I was with them.”

“Splendid. I think this might work out between us.” He closed his eyes and gently sniffed at the air. “I have the ability to sense all types of powers within others, be they unicorn, pegasus, or Earth pony. You seem to be something different altogether… something… what? Innocent? Pure?”

“Cute?” Bad Dude suggested.

Tirek rolled his eyes. “Sure. Yes, you are cute, but is that everything you are? For now, it matters not. Now we must think of the immediate future.” He leaned across the table, his heavily lined face much more visible up close. “Pray tell, how was it we were to escape from here, Bad Dude? If you were to come all this way, surely, you had a plan in mind?”

Bad Dude stiffened and felt the hints of sweat on his temples. That last question made what he brought with him in his pack seem all the sillier. He fidgeted for a moment, then thought about how much better he’d felt once he put on the cape back in the office area. He wasn’t Sweet Glaze anymore. No. Once he donned his cape, he became Bad Dude again—super villain to all of Equestria!

With his determination back to full again, Bad Dude met Tirek’s eyes and held them.

He spoke casually, “Actually, I just came to talk.”

Tirek’s mouth dropped. “To… talk? You wish to waste my time—”

“I’m forming a group,” Bad Dude interrupted. “The Coalition of United Terrible Evils. So far we’ve got Sombra and Chrysalis and—”

“Surely, you jest, Bad Dude,” Tirek countered. “Sombra and Chrysalis working together? I thought one was dead and the other…”

His words dried as Bad Dude laid out Sombra’s old cape on the table before him.

“Sombra gave me this because he likes me,” Bad Dude said with a faint blush. “So does Chrysalis, I think. I gave her a hug because she was super nice to me.”

“Villains… hugging?” Tirek muttered. “What sort of group are you putting together here?”

“A group of friends,” Bad Dude said earnestly. “We’d all work together and look out for each other. And then we’d take over Equestria and hang out and have a bunch of fun and eat popcorn if we wanted to. You like popcorn, don’t you?”

“Well, of course I like popcorn, I’m not a monster,” Tirek grumbled. “This just all doesn’t seem as ‘villainous’ as I recall things being once upon a time. There’s usually not so much… warmth, to the art of villainy.”

Bad Dude busied himself unloading a package of caramel colored candy from his pack. “Then maybe it’s time to try something different. I mean, when you all worked alone, you all were defeated, right? So… maybe that means we should see what happens when all of us work together, right?”

Tirek scratched at his chin irritably. “I will not question the simple notion of strength in numbers, but… could such a group even function to begin with? Sombra? Chrysalis? Myself?”

“Don’t forget Discord.”

It looked as if Tirek bit his tongue rather painfully at that. “You failed to mention the draconequus earlier.”

“Sorry,” Bad Dude told him quietly. “But he’s on the team, too. He was the first one to join, actually.”

Tirek surprised him with a weary chuckle. “I’m sure Discord would join the Filly Scouts if it meant someone would pay attention to him for a few minutes.” He narrowed his eyes at Bad Dude. “Do you not fear that I may join your group, only to betray you all down the road like I had with Discord long ago? I’m sure he has spoken in length of what happened to him.”

Bad Dude nodded with a sigh. “Yeah. He really doesn’t want you on the team, but I don’t think that’s all that fair. If Discord got a second chance, shouldn’t you get one too? And, in all honestly, you should be more afraid of us betraying you.”

Tirek leaned across the table further. “What do you mean by that?”

“Well,” Bad Dude started, “the last time you were defeated, it was due to the Elements of Harmony. So, all my group would need to do is tell the Elements what you’re up to again and let them take care of you. Also, Discord would be on guard this time, so you wouldn’t be able to steal his magic. Plus, if you betrayed us, King Sombra would be after you and Queen Chrysalis and her entire hive and Discord too. And most importantly… if you betrayed us, I’d be very disappointed in you and you’d have to live with that for the rest of your life.”

Over the next thirty seconds, Tirek’s expression went from one of anger to confusion and then to some form of mild sickness. Eventually, he settled himself and studied Bad Dude again.

“Was that a threat?” he asked thickly.

Bad Dude had to think about that. “I guess it was, wasn’t it?” He brightened. “Was it a good one? I’ve been meaning to practice threats, but I just haven’t gotten around to them yet. Was it a good one, you think?”

“Sadly, yes,” Tirek muttered bitterly, before turning his attention to the block of candy on the table. “What is this? I doubt it to be a means of escape after all you’ve said.”

“Toffee!” Bad Dude told him. “I didn’t really know what to get you before, but I don’t know anyone that doesn’t like toffee. And I thought it would be fun to eat while we play a few of the board games I brought.”

Tirek used his pointed fingers to rip open the packaging covering the toffee bits. He shot a chunk into his mouth and nodded his approval. “You brought games to play, did you? Great challenges of the mind? Tirek has always enjoyed a good mind puzzle. A game of chess, perhaps?”

“Actually, no.” Bad Dude unloaded a tall stack of thin cardboard boxes from his pack, stacking them one on top of the other. “These are all games I play with my parents sometimes. Sometimes with this filly in my class…” His face went the tiniest bit red by the mention.

Tirek eyed the tall stack of games bemused. “Checkers?”

Bad Dude shook his head. “Don’t have that one, either. But I could always teach you how to play some of these ones. They’re really fun! Honest! And what else are you gonna do to pass the time around here?”

When Tirek’s shoulders slumped, Bad Dude knew he’d won him over.

“B, 7,” Bad Dude spoke tensely, his head just visible above his plastic game board, “with a big ball of cat hair.”

Tirek smirked over his own plastic game board. “Miss. Okay, Bad Dude—I, 9, with some left over coffee grounds!”

“Haha!” Bad Dude trumpeted. “Miss! How ‘bout… F, 2, with a balled up napkin!”

Tirek turned even redder in the face and slammed his fists onto the table. “Curses! You clogged my bathroom sink! That means… that means I’m out of sinks to clog!” He sighed angrily. “Looks like you win again, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude squealed. He rarely won against his dad when they played Bathroom Sinks.

Carefully, Bad Dude gathered the game pieces together and began sorting them where they were meant to go. He could make out Tirek’s thin grin out of the corner of his sight.

“So what do we play next, hmm?” Tirek asked snidely. “I must admit these games are rather… dimwitted, but fun, nonetheless.”

“Actually,” Bad Dude explained while packing up, “I’d better get going if I want to get back home for dinner. But I’m glad you had fun. We could even have Villain Game Night once we get everything set up.”

Anxiously, Tirek scooped up the closest board game to him and held it out. “Not just one more round of Hungry, Hungry Alicorns?”

Bad Dude shook his head. “Sorry, but I’d better not. But we’ll play again once you join our group.”

Tirek gulped dryly. “So… if I join your little group, you’ll come back here and spend more time with me?”

Bad Dude finished zipping up his bag. “Well, maybe once, but that’s not really what I had in mind.”

“What is the plan, then?”

“To get you out of here, of course.”

Author's Notes:

All right. One more "Something With Something" chapter (Discord), and then we'll be getting on with some actual story. And, yes, the original title of this chapter was "Tea With Tirek" before every one of you jerks guessed it. Making me search up "food that starts with a T" just to be different...

Dainties With Discord

Out of the corner of his eye, Bad Dude spotted the most perfect flower and sprung to it, carefully nipping it with his teeth before carrying it back with him to the picnic area. A large red-and-white checkered blanket had been spread underneath a large, lush tree—a picnic basket and numerous other small dishes spread out along it. On the grass resting against the trunk was a rectangular cooler full of apple cider and cold fizzy sodas.

By the time Bad Dude returned and set his latest flowery find along with the rest of them, Discord had already finished braiding Fluttershy’s mane and now she was doing the same for him—only this time using his thin beard to twist into odd patterns and arrangements.

After he set the striking blue flower by her side, Fluttershy cooed to him, “Oh, that one’s even better than the last one! Thank you so much, Sugary Topping.”

Bad Dude stuck his head down with a blush. “You’re welcome, Ms. Fluttershy.”

She smiled. “You don’t need to keep calling me that, sweetie. Fluttershy’s fine enough.”

“Okay… Fluttershy.”

After taking a quick pull from his fizzy peach drink, Bad Dude hurried back out into Fluttershy’s garden, hopeful to find another flower to her liking. It was doubtful, though. Each of the last eight flowers and roses he’s already plucked seemed much prettier than the last.

Bad Dude muttered as he walked. “Your name is Sugary Topping… Sugary Topping is your name…”

Bad Dude was finding the subtle art of villainy to be a whole lot to remember, especially given all his new aliases. Sweet Glaze… Bad Dude… Sugary Topping—the name he’d used in Tartarus and decided to keep using as a secondary fake name—it was all getting confusing. If only I could remember Equestrian geography in school as well all my new names, he thought to himself dourly.

Finding nothing of interest in Fluttershy’s well-stocked garden, Bad Dude spun on his hooves and hitched in a breath. On Fluttershy’s back stoop was a white rabbit glaring at him with its paws crossed over its chest. Bad Dude thought if it ended up frowning any harder, it might end up hurting itself.

“Hello!” Bad Dude greeted warmly. “I’m Bad… Sweet… I’m Sugary Topping! Pleased to meet you!”

Bad Dude thoughtful introduction did little to move the stoic creature, as his beady black eyes never left his.

“Umm…” Bad Dude started, feeling fretful. “Well, I’d better get going. Nice meeting you! Bye now!”

Even as he made his way back to the picnic area, Bad Dude could feel the rabbit’s piercing gaze on his back. Did Fluttershy really spend most of her time around something like that? A pony so sweet and so nice next to something so cold and hostile?

Then he got an odd flash of himself standing next to Discord and shook his head.

“Nah, Discord’s not that bad,” Bad Dude reflected. “I mean… not that bad.”

When he crossed over the backyard and saw Fluttershy and Discord again, he had to stifle a giggle. Like some elongated cat, Discord had spread out along the picnic blanket in a near perfect U-shape while Fluttershy rested her head on his belly and read from a book. Discord appeared to be preparing himself for another one of his many afternoon naps.

Research.

That was what Discord had called it when he’d invited Bad Dude to tag along with him and meet Fluttershy. Research: to see what their enemies were up to and what could be used against them; if only Bad Dude hadn’t accidentally glimpsed Discord’s super-secret day-planner and noted that every Tuesday of the month had Fluttershy’s name written on it.

As Bad Dude sat down on the picnic blanket again and slurped on a cherry popsicle, Discord raised his head off the ground and regarded him dryly. “Having a nice time, Sugary Topping?”

Bad Dude readily agreed. “You bet! Fluttershy’s garden is so awesome and all of her animals are super nice.” He thought on that. “Okay… maybe not all of them…”

Ignoring that last statement, Discord cocked a mischievous brow and turned to face Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, my dear, tell me… has your heart been bothering you today, perchance?”

Fluttershy looked up from her book with concern. “My heart? Why? Is there some new vitamin that ponies are supposed to take that I didn’t know about and now that I didn’t know about it, I’ll—”

Discord used two of his lion paws to seal her lips shut. “I’ll take that as a ‘no.’ But you did find the sight of Sugary Topping here rather… cute, wouldn’t you say? Adorable even?”

Fluttershy gushed. “Oh, I thought he was just the cutest thing I’d ever seen!” Her face flushed. “You may have noticed that… when I shoved that cookie into his mouth without asking him first—I just couldn’t help it, really.”

Bad Dude grinned at her. “That’s okay, Fluttershy! Really! I wish more ponies would shove sweet things into my mouth without asking first!”

By his side, Discord slammed his face into the blanket to wail aloud. After a good twenty seconds of outpouring, he faced Bad Dude again with a most stern expression. “I hope you realize the moment you get old enough to understand these horrible things you’re saying, Sugary Topping, that I will be making fun of you entirely without mercy.”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened. “What did I say? What’s wrong with saying I like cookies?”

Like a steaming tea kettle, Fluttershy squeed and scooped Bad Dude up for a hug. She busily patted him on the head. “You are just the cutest, little thing! You know that? Oh, I wish I could just—”

Bad Dude anxiously tapped her on the shoulder until he got her attention. His muzzle had been mashed into her chest and he couldn’t take a breath in for the life of him. He found Fluttershy oddly strong for someone seemingly so sweet and innocent.

Out of the embrace, Bad Dude inhaled greedily as Fluttershy giggled nervously. Then something out of sight pulled at her attention and she gasped. “Angel Bunny? What do you think you’re doing? Stop that this instant! Stop—” Already she was flying in the direction of her garden area and away from the two of them.

Bad Dude took the moment to pat down his disheveled mane. “I really like Fluttershy,” he admitted to Discord, who was getting to a standing position to lean against the tree. “She’s nice. And fuzzy, too.”

“Well, of course she is,” Discord replied bluntly, “but it seems she may also be our greatest enemy, as well.”

Bad Dude looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

“Your powers of adorableness will not work on her… or at least the level of power you wield now.” He rolled his eyes. “I had a feeling this would be the case. Fluttershy has spent most of her life close to adorable little creatures and even closer to her adorable little self, so it’s no surprise she’s immune to your tricks. Thankfully, I was wise enough to bring us here to test out that theory.”

Bad Dude smirked at him. “Not because you’re actually friends with her?”

Discord scoffed. “What ever does that mean? What does spending time with someone and laughing with someone and growing to care about someone have to do with being friends?”

Bad Dude chewed on his tongue. “A lot, actually.”

Discord waved a claw. “Then my dictionary must be broken. ‘Friendship’ is something completely akin to what I just mentioned. Fluttershy and I? We just exist together, plain and simple. We’re in an ­exist-ship relationship. Nothing more. Same as you and I.”

Discord’s last words felt like a punch to the gut to Bad Dude. He swiftly felt the hints of tears on the horizon. He looked up at the draconequus with big, shimmering eyes. “You mean… you don’t consider us friends? I thought…” He hitched in a breath. “I thought you and I were really good friends… like best friends even…” A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Discord howled and tore at his chest with his hands. He fell to his knees on the ground as he painfully clenched his jaws. “Okay! Okay! I take it back! I take it all back! We’re good friends! Best friends! We’re such good friends that I’d give you one of my six kidneys if you wanted it—just knock it off!”

Not enjoying seeing his friend in pain, Bad Dude wiped at his eyes before running to him, wrapping his tiny hooves around his lizard leg. “It’s okay. I forgive you, Discord,” he told him quietly.

Discord barked out a single cough and settled his breathing. Averting Bad Dude’s gaze, he reached out until he found his head and gave his mane a quick jostle before sitting back down on the picnic blanket.

“You’re more powerful than you know, boss,” Discord spoke tiredly. “Why we need the rest of that rabble in our group, I’ll never know.”

Bad Dude left the question alone as he went to his pack to retrieve two identical plastic containers with lids. He set both of them down on the blanket before looking at Discord again. “Since I had time over the last few days, I thought I’d make you something. I thought you might like some—”

Resting his narrow face on a hand, Discord snorted and stared at him blankly. “Let me guess: donuts?”

Bad Dude pursed his lips. “Umm… no… they’re—”

“Danishes? Dumplings? Devil’s food cake?”

“No.”

“Dill pickles? Deviled eggs? Date squares?”

Bad Dude furrowed his brows. “It’s not any of those things.”

Discord smiled thinly. “But I bet it starts with a D, doesn’t it?”

Bad Dude blinked in confusion. “Starts with a… what?”

Discord started counting on his claws. “Chrysalis got crullers; Sombra got soup; Tirek got toffee; what did Fluttershy get today again?”

Oh. Now it clicked. Bad Dude looked down at the blanket below him. “Funnel cake.”

“He-ho-hum!” Discord spat dramatically. “Is it just me or am I noticing a pattern here? So what ever could be in these containers, I wonder?”

Bad Dude brightened a bit when a thought came to him. “It’s just candy! See? Just a whole bunch of candy!”

Using his hooves, Bad Dude awkwardly removed both containers’ lids and slid them towards Discord. Inside both was a plethora of variously shaped pastries and sweets, some with fruit fillings and some coated with powered sugar. There were pecan tarts and coconut balls and apple-and-oat squares topped with chocolate drizzle and so much more.

As Discord stuck his head inside one of the containers, Bad Dude told him triumphantly, “See? All candy!”

Discord pulled out a tart to munch on. He smiled pleasantly. “Very nice, but you know what these are actually called? Dainties. As is ‘Dainties for Discord’. Sorry. You lose. Discovered your theme and properly ousted you for it, you cute little bag of fluff.”

Bad Dude grumbled and crossed his forelegs over his chest. “I didn’t even realize I was doing it! Honest!”

Discord pulled out a rum ball to nibble on. “Sadly, I believe you, Bad Dude. I think a part of you just always has to be cute. It’s like a switch; one I don’t even think you can turn off.”

“I can’t help it if I’m always turned on!”

Instantly, Discord choked on his sweet. “Celestia damn it, kid! No one’s setting you up for this stuff, so knock it off!”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened again. “What did I even say?”

“Oh, my! You brought more food, Sugary Topping?” Fluttershy asked, once she returned to them from her garden. Since she’d left, her mane had become frenzied and beads of sweat stuck to her temples. “That was very sweet of you, and don’t these just look delicious.”

“Why do you look like that, Fluttershy?” Bad Dude asked earnestly.

Fluttershy tried laughing it off. “Angel Bunny was in one of his moods again. I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me, but he was just being such a grump about it. But it’s all right. He’s back inside the cottage now.” She picked up a tart from one of the containers. “This looks like it must be strawberry—I’ve always loved strawberry desserts.”

She took a dainty bite before she grimaced and her eyes shot open. It appeared she was on the verge of gagging on it.

Bad Dude stared up to her expectantly. “You like ‘em, Fluttershy?”

Without swallowing, Fluttershy mumbled, “Uh-huh. Very… umm… different. Yes. You didn’t happen to drop some toothpaste into the mix by accident, did you?”

Bad Dude gasped, then quickly took both containers of dainties and reversed their place on the blanket. “I almost forgot!” he exclaimed. “One of these was just for Discord. The other one’s for us.”

As sightlessly as she could, Fluttershy spat out the pastry into a napkin and turned to him. “You put toothpaste in Discord’s sweets?”

Bad Dude nodded energetically. “Yep! And a whole bunch of other stuff, too! Discord loves weird flavors. All sorts of them!”

Discord whistled loudly. “Ohhh! Dainties just for me? How interesting… let’s see here.” He glanced at the container shoved close to him before settling on a slice of white-chocolate brownie. With an astute expression, he popped it into his mouth and lazily chewed on it.

“Confetti…” he began to list, “saw dust… ear wax… apple cores… coupons to the Hay Burger… what else? What else?”

Bad Dude giggled in joy. “Give up?”

Swallowing, Discord said, “Sure. Tell me.”

“There’s also some stuff I found under my kitchen sink in there—I think it was called ‘bleach’.”

Discord closed his eyes and gave a nod. “Of course, the faint aroma of bleach; reminds me of my teenage years, it does.”

While Discord munched on another multi-flavored treat, Bad Dude sidled up to Fluttershy to rest his head on her lap. “Hi,” he said, looking up at her.

She smiled back. “Hello, sweetie. Anything I can help you with?”

“Actually…” Bad Dude looked away for a moment, “I’ve been trying to convince Discord to join my group of friends, but I don’t think he wants to very much. Don’t you think it’s a good idea he make more friends?”

Fluttershy played with Bad Dude’s mane while directing her attention to Discord. A good chunk of her original tenderness slipped away as she spoke to him. “Discord! How could you?”

Discord, caught unawares, spat out bits of paperclip-bubblegum-shampoo-profiterole before turning to her. “How could I what?”

“Turn down such an innocent little colt’s request?” As she spoke, Bad Dude watched Discord’s response with a smirk. “He’s just happy to be your friend and now he only wants to help you make more friends. I thought you’d changed for the better, Discord.”

Discord balked and blinked, fighting on words that were never spoke. Finally, he thought of something, pointing a narrow claw in Bad Dude’s direction. “That kid’s a bad influence, you know. You even know what that colt has planned?”

When Fluttershy hastily glanced at him, Bad Dude stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. He carefully explained to her, “He’s just worried about having his trust broken again. One of my friends did something bad to him a while ago and now they don’t trust each other anymore. But isn’t a large part of friendship being able to forgive one another when they hurt you?”

Fluttershy nodded solemnly. “Yes, Sugary Topping. Yes, it is. And that’s why I think it would be a wonderful idea if Discord joined your little group and tried to forgive ponies that hurt him before.” She turned back to Discord. “Nothing bad has ever happened by having more friends, Discord; especially friends as sweet and innocent as Sugary Topping here. If I were you, I’d try acting more like him. Clearly, he knows a lot about the true power of friendship. What’s the worst that could happen by joining his cute, little group?”

Discord displayed a single fang and muttered, “I’m going to make you eat every last one of those words, Fluttershy.”

“What was that?” she asked.

“I said, ‘I’m going to make you eat every last one of those dainties, Fluttershy’. Can’t let them go to waste, can we?”

Fluttershy angled her head at him. “Don’t go getting grumpy, Discord. You like having friends… I know you just have trouble admitting it. And I think spending some time with Sugary Topping here is a great way to show you the real magic of friendship. You wouldn’t be spending so much time together unless you liked each other, right?”

Loudly, Discord snapped at what dainties remained in his container while keeping his arms folded over his chest. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

The next moment, Fluttershy whispered something into Bad Dude’s ear that made him giggle. After that, they both got to their hooves and went to stand before Discord.

Discord licked bits of sugar from his claws and narrowed his eyes at them. “Yes?”

Without a word, Fluttershy and Bad Dude pounced on him for a hug, as the thin figure fell to the ground with a thud.

“What do you think you’re—” Discord began, before genuine concern overwhelmed him. His pupils shrunk as his head whipped from Fluttershy to Bad Dude and back, both nuzzling into his furry chest and stomach.

“We just don’t want to see you be such a grump, okay, Discord?” Fluttershy explained.

“Yeah!” Bad Dude added.

“Is this…” Discord croaked out, his many-lined face turning white. “Is this how I die? I knew it was a mistake bringing you two together!” Using his lion’s paw, Discord undid the well-hidden zipper on his chest before reaching in and pulling out his heart, which appeared closer to a cartoon one than anything that could actually pump blood. He whispered to it, “Run… save yourself… don’t look back…”

With no more words necessary, Discord’s caricature of a heart sprouted both a pair of arms and legs and began scrambling away, scurrying across the backyard and well into the distance. Back in the small pile of pure fluff, Discord allowed himself to be wholly consumed, thankful his heart would live on to lurch another day.

The last thing he could remember before blacking out due to pure adorableness was Fluttershy’s words about actually joining Bad Dude’s group.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Author's Notes:

All right. I thought about being a dink again and searching for a "D word" no one guessed yet, but thought that the person that actually guessed it right deserved all the fame and glory coming their way. So, there, lucky reader, you've earned yourself a cookie. Oh, too late, Bad Dude ate it. Better luck next time!

But I don't think this will be the end of the "Something With Something" chapters. I'll be sure to give you all a heads up when they're coming up. And now, on wards to actually story and not just food related words!

Fortress, Sweet, Fortress

In the middle of a sunny Saturday afternoon, Bad Dude laid across his bed with an open comic book in hoof. Each time he glimpsed another Power Ponies character clobber another bad guy, he made the accompanying sound effect and even shook the issue with his hooves as if to add a visual flair.

Then he flipped to the next page and gasped.

“That’s… not right,” he muttered uneasily, his forehead heavily lined.

It was in his Power Pony’s issue forty-seven (one he’d read time and again featuring the awesome Mane-iac); only this time Discord had been drawn in her place, although with the same costume she was usually clad in.

The picture of Discord turned to face Bad Dude. “What? Don’t think I could pull it off?”

“I…” Bad Dude started, quickly realizing he was talking to a comic book. “I dunno.”

The Discord drawing shook his head. “Well, it’s high time you get your head out of comic books and take a look at what I made, boss. I must say, it’s pretty neat!”

“I like neat things! Ask anyone!” Bad Dude exclaimed, before his comic book burst into smoke and the living, breathing Discord revealed himself in his room. Discord loudly stretched out his back, his horns nearly scraping the short ceiling once he stood up straight again.

Bad Dude grimaced. “You know you’re not supposed to be here, Discord. My parents… well, they really don’t think you’re a very good influence on me… or on anyone for that matter.”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, what terrible news—a stallion who makes donuts for a living doesn’t think I’m all that and a bag of hay fries? I think I’ll survive.” Out of nowhere, Discord pulled out Bad Dude’s royal blue cape and flung it to him. “Here, put this on.”

Bad Dude did as he was directed and stood up on his bed. “We going somewhere?”

“Sure are, and thankfully not far.” Discord strolled around the room in a small circle before stopping in front of Bad Dude’s tiny closet. He snapped his fingers. “And here we go! I knew we’d find it eventually.”

Bad Dude raised a brow. “My closet? It’s really not all that interesting, really; a couple of extra aprons and my hockey pads and—”

Bad Dude’s words died on his tongue when Discord opened his closet and shoved past a row of hangers and shirts. What awaited him on the other side was a dimly hit stone hallway with burning torches hanging on the walls.

Bad Dude came to stand beside Discord. “That’s new. You think my parents remodeled the house when I was at school?”

With a loud smack, Discord pressed his lion’s paw to his face. “No, Bad Dude. Somehow I don’t think that’s the case. This is the entrance to our secret hideout. Get it? Pretty neat, right?”

Bad Dude gasped from the sudden realization. “Oh, wow! Our own secret base and everything!? How does it work? It doesn’t look all that big.”

Using a thin eagle’s claw, Discord pointed up the darkened hallway. “This is only your entrance to the hideout, Bad Dude. You stroll down the hall a good few meters and you’re in like Flynn.”

Bad Dude looked up at him. “Who’s Flynn?”

“A colt that sadly perished by asking too many questions.”

Bad Dude’s mouth popped open. “Did he get dehydrated or something by asking all those questions?”

Discord shut his eyes with a growl. “Just get in the closet.”

Bad Dude couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Everywhere he turned, he ended up gasping again. Everywhere he looked, he had to strain his eyes to take in everything he was seeing. It was like one of his comic books—only real—and best of all it was all his and his villain friends’.

The short hallway leading from his bedroom’s closet ended a few meters in and fed into a large and lush living room. Rectangular carpets of blue, red, and green covered grey stone floors; cushy sofas and chairs had been set around the room and four roaring fireplaces filled the immense area with warmth and the faint popping sound of crackling wood. Large banners adorned the walls above the fireplaces, written in some script that Bad Dude couldn’t understand.

In a room adjoining the main area was a games room stocked with pinball machines, a ping pong and air hockey table, and what looked like a lavish coffee bar set up in the corner. Bad Dude stuck out his tongue at the coffee bar’s many shiny bells and whistles. He was more of a chocolate milk fan.

As amazing as all this was, what made Bad Dude at a loss for words was the simple view outside each tall, arched window—that of the cloudy, blue sky from thousands of feet in the air. After Bad Dude ventured a look to the ground oh, so far below, he asked Discord, “So… this whole place is… floating?”

“Or flying. Or hovering. Or whatever you want to call it.” Discord came to stand beside him and gaze out the window. “A floating fortress sounded like the best option available. Well-protected like a castle, but also hard to find and attack.”

“What about if some pegasus should happen to fly into it?” Bad Dude asked.

“Unlikely, Bad Dude,” Discord replied. “This fortress randomly changes locations every twenty minutes—and should someone come across it randomly? Well, we’ll deal with that when the time comes.”

Bad Dude took another glance at the ground far down below. “What happens if one of us falls off this thing?”

Discord pulled on his beard. “Another security measure. This place comes with an ‘evil’ indicator reading. If someone with pure nastiness running through their veins should happen to tumble off, a spell will catch them and shoot them directly inside the broom closet.”

Bad Dude’s eyes widened again. “Whoa! And you’re sure it’ll work?”

Discord shrugged. “I dunno. I just put the down payment on the place a day ago. Let’s see what happens.”

Without warning, Discord scooped Bad Dude up from the floor and chucked him out the window. Like a cartoon, Bad Dude hung in the air just long enough for Discord to give him a wave goodbye before he began plummeting towards the earth.

Bad Dude yelped and flung his hooves in all directions to no avail. His cape and mane rippled around in the harsh breeze and the ground below began to catch up to him. Then everything went dark with a slight moldy smell.

Discord rushed open the door to the broom closet Bad Dude was now standing in. “Have fun?” he asked mildly.

Bad Dude shook his head, his lips pulled thin. His face was a lot paler than before.

“Well, that’s what you get for asking too many questions, Bad Dude.”

When Discord started down another hall, Bad Dude hurried after him, a new thought on his mind. “You said that only ponies with ‘pure nastiness’ in them would be caught. Does that mean I’m actually a really awesome villain?”

Discord chuckled dryly. “Oh, that. Afraid not. I also told the fortress to catch any colts with capes it happens to see. Luckily your cape didn’t come undone while you fell, eh?”

Bad Dude frowned. “That wasn’t very nice, Discord.”

“I know… but it sure was hilarious!”

Bad Dude sighed and tried for a different subject. “So where is everyone else?”

Discord stopped to kneel down to him. “Everyone else? Well, you need to go get them, of course.”

Helping him to stand, Bad Dude used himself as a crutch to assist King Sombra out from his small rock prison. Sombra took long, slow steps and even slower steps once out in the arctic air and knee-high snow. Bad Dude had been thoughtful enough to bring a spare blanket along to wrap around Sombra’s back—even with that, he shuddered in the elements like a leaf.

“You don’t look so good,” Bad Dude told him earnestly.

“I’m not,” Sombra wheezed back. “Ever since you came and spoke to me, I’ve barely slept. All I’ve been thinking about is revenge—sweet, sweet revenge. I can almost taste it, I can.”

Bad Dude glanced at him. “What’s revenge taste like?”

“Mint chocolate-chip ice cream.”

Bad Dude nodded. “That’s what I thought. Oddly specific, too.”

Arriving at the lip of the cliff overlooking the valley below, Sombra exhaled in surprise and collapsed onto his plot. His mouth hung ajar as he looked over the floating castle-like fortress before him.

He wearily turned to Bad Dude. “This… this is yours?”

Bad Dude nodded happily. “Uh-huh! Pretty cool, huh? And, actually, it’s ours.”

“My word…” Sombra croaked. “Honestly, I had somewhat believed this all to be a trick—the Princesses latest scheme to force love and friendship into my tortured soul, thus killing me for good—but seeing this…” A shark-like grin ate his face. “Things are looking up, aren’t they, my Prince?”

Bad Dude giggled. “Let’s get you inside and warmed up.” He turned towards the floating fortress. “Discord! I’ve got Sombra! You can open up now!”

From the top of the fortress, Bad Dude could hear a trapdoor slam open before Discord lazily strolled to the edge of the roof. With his hands on the railing, he stared down at them (and mostly at Sombra) as if studying some new strain of bacteria.

Discord shouted down to Bad Dude, “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want him anymore. I heard his mother was a parasprite and his father smelt of rotten zap apples!”

By Bad Dude’s side, Sombra growled deep in his throat. “Tis a lie!”

Discord seemed not to care. “I giggle maniacally in your general direction, good sir!” Then he started to do just that—laughing and laughing until tears were pouring down his face. Once he was finished, he looked at Sombra again. “Now go away, before I annoy you a second time.”

His lips curling into a snarl, Sombra spun his head to Bad Dude. “This is who you want to work with? Him? Him?”

Bad Dude gulped dryly. “Umm… he’s a lot nicer than he seems, honest! I mean… he just needs some time to warm up to you, is all, I promise! Please, just… don’t go away yet, okay?”

“Not like I have much of a choice,” Sombra grumbled aloud. “Either whither away and die in a cave or whither away and die in a fortress controlled by a clown. At least in the second scenario, there’s always a chance I murder Discord before dying.”

Bad Dude surprised him with a hug. “See? I knew you’d find reason to stick around!”

Sombra flashed the mildest of grins and patted Bad Dude on the head, before his eyes shot open and his mouth dropped.

“Lowering the tube!” Discord bellowed from up above. “Remember to duck and roll, Sombra!”

“Wha—” was as far as Sombra got before he was sucked up into the air and pulled into some bendable glass tube that connected into the fortress’ front wall. Bad Dude winced as he watched poor Sombra travel inside of it, screaming curse words that must’ve been too ancient for him to fully understand. Although Discord had mentioned to “duck and roll” while riding the tube, Sombra did not heed his advice and instead bounced around inside the glass interior, slamming his head and muzzle and leaving scuff marks everywhere.

Less than ten seconds after being sucked off the ground, Sombra was deposited inside. That left Bad Dude staring up at Discord with the angriest expression he could muster.

“Why’d you do that!?” Bad Dude trumpeted.

Discord shrugged. “I dunno.”

“What happened to the stairs? Since when did we get a tube?”

“Since I made one,” Discord replied, before he pulled on a large red lever by his side. “Duck and roll, kiddo!”

“Dis—” was as far as Bad Dude got before he, too, was sucked inside the tube. Taking Discord’s advice, he tucked all of his legs in and closed his eyes, forming a tight knit ball; not once did he touch the edges of the tube. Feeling the warmth from inside the fortress touch his face, Bad Dude pried open his eyes and found himself safe on solid ground again. Or… fluffy ground, at least.

Bad Dude stared at the floor with a gasp. “Oh, sorry, Sombra. I thought you were a carpet.”

The sprawled out tyrannical King below him gave a cough and a groan. “Obviously.”

Discord’s mischievous attitude was soon taken down a peg when Chrysalis and a few well-chosen drones flew into the fortress without the need to be harassed. Begrudgingly, Discord snapped himself up a blue and silver suit with matching hat and began showing everyone around the place.

Discord motioned to a dark and twisting passage that led somewhere underneath the fortress. Its walls were venomous green and, even from the doorway, the ambiance inside was eerie. It reminded Bad Dude of Chrysalis’ real hive lair right away.

“I take it this will be my quarters, then?” Chrysalis asked evenly, giving short looks to the trio of changelings she brought along with her. She stuck her head inside the dark and damp cave and gave a curt nod. “It will do. I will not bring all my children here, but as many as I can spare—along with these three, of course.”

As they walked along another hallway, Chrysalis’ three changeling children wouldn’t stop staring at Bad Dude. Trying not to make a scene, Bad Dude tried to ignore them as best he could. Was there a reason they were following him so closely?

“And here we have the Hall of Fame,” Discord announced, holding his arms out wide. “Or would it be the Hall of Shame? Anyone? Anyone gotta answer to that?”

The Hall of Fame ended up being a length of grey stone wall fitted with numerous grand paintings of each of the villains. Some were just a headshot of the individual, while others depicted them during their times of battle or victory. Bad Dude followed the gold-framed paintings from left to right, taking them all in. There was Chrysalis in a heated battle against Celestia… Sombra standing on his balcony overlooking his massive Crystal Empire… there was Bad Dude perched on a throne that matched his cape—a cookie in a hoof and a smile on his face. Lastly, there was Discord… sitting on a thick white cloud while his fingers controlled strings attached to ponies below.

But wasn’t someone missing?

“Where’s Tirek?” Bad Dude asked, completely derailing Discord’s latest talking point.

Discord giggled. “Oh, didn’t you see?”

Bad Dude shook his head. “No.”

Discord glanced at them all. “Has no one used the washroom, yet?” With a mighty kick, Discord thrust open a wooden door on the other side of the hall, revealing a cramped room with one white toilet and one matching white sink. Above the toilet was another grand painting with a golden frame—one of Tirek fully charged and in the midst of taking a rainbow-colored blast of energy to the jaw. He held his hands to his cheeks while a speech bubble screamed, “OW! MY FACE!”

Chrysalis snorted once she caught sight of it. “Did he really say that?”

Discord hung an arm around her. “He sure did, all right. Written in his autobiography and everything.”

Angrily, Bad Dude stomped his hooves along the stone floor. “This is no way to treat a fellow teammate, Discord! Tirek deserves a place on the wall just like everyone else!”

Discord cocked a bushy brow. “Whatever do you mean, Bad Dude? Tirek is on the wall. The washroom wall. And I don’t know about you, but nothing helps me get focused in the washroom like pictures of stupid goat-face over there.”

Chrysalis chuckled again. “Goat-face… washroom humor… this is fun already.”

“I was even thinking,” Discord added, “this could be his throne room, too. It’s sparkling clean, isn’t it?”

Discord laughed to himself until he took full notice of Bad Dude’s current mood. Like a drill slowly pressed into his chest, Discord’s expression went from jolly to moody to down right pained.

“Fine!” Discord declared, pinching the bridge of his nose with his claws. “Have it your way, you little mound of fluff…”

Another snap of his fingers and the Hall of Fame expanded another four feet and a fifth painting was set up—this one of a weakened Tirek in a cloak with his arms held upwards triumphantly. It would’ve almost been nice… if Discord hadn’t had made the point-of-view from behind Tirek instead of in front of him. Still, for now it would have to do.

Next up was a single door that led to a winding staircase that climbed so far up above, Bad Dude couldn’t even make out its top. When Discord showed off the ridiculous set of stairs, he narrowed his eyes at Sombra. “This leads to your quarters. You like?”

Gingerly, Sombra felt the first step with one of his hooves. “Obviously.”

“Splendid,” Discord replied dryly. “Because I wouldn’t change it even if you didn’t.”

Leaving the staircase behind, Sombra ran a hoof along his unkempt face and mane. “Where’s the closest shower and razor? I wish to make myself respectable before we begin our first venture.”

Discord roughly hooked an arm under one of his legs and dragged him onwards. “Come on, King Stinky. I’ll show you where it is.”

With both of them gone, that left Bad Dude and Chrysalis to their own devices; and, after strolling for a time, they both settled down on one of the living room’s large, plush sofas.

“You actually delivered,” Chrysalis remarked with a nod. “I must say I am surprised… but also glad. Things are about to become very interesting in Equestria, aren’t they?”

Bad Dude smiled from the compliment. “Sure are!”

A pregnant pause followed while neither of them knew what to say next. Eventually, Chrysalis gave a sigh and rested her head on a hoof. “He’s not exactly what I was expecting.”

Bad Dude didn’t understand. “What? Who, Discord?”

“No. Sombra,” Chrysalis clarified. “I heard stories about him… about what he did. He always seems so sure of himself and strong—very interesting fellow, to be sure.” She flashed the tiniest of smiles, making her seem much younger than she looked. “You may have noticed I’m quite attached to royalty. Being a Queen, you can’t help it. Perhaps that’s why I tried to take Prince Shining Armor first—he was sure of himself and strong, also. Well, not that strong mind you. His mind crumpled quite easily once I got a hold of him.”

Bad Dude furrowed his brows trying to understand. “So what’s wrong with Sombra, exactly?”

Chrysalis snorted again. “Where to begin? No cape, no crown—random bits of debris in his mane. Has he been homeless ever since losing his empire?”

“Sort of,” Bad Dude tried to explain. “He’s basically been living in a cave for a while… but he’s really cool and really smart! Honest!”

Chrysalis sighed. “Remains to be seen, but let me introduce you to the changelings I brought along.”

Shuffling themselves to look behind the sofa, Bad Dude and Chrysalis scanned over the trio of younger changelings that had been following them around during the tour. Bad Dude had a sneaking suspicion they’d been waiting there ever since they sat down.

“These are…” Chrysalis began, before stopping. “Actually, it doesn’t really help if I tell you their names; you’d never be able to pronounce them without having holes in your vocal cords. So, for now, call them whatever you’d like.”

Bad Dude felt a little uneasy about the three changelings staring up at him. “But why? Why’d you bring them along?”

Chrysalis almost appeared a little taken back by that. “Why, they’re your personal assistants, of course. I’ll also make sure they tidy around the base when they aren’t following your orders, but… whatever you want them to do, they will do so.” She slid across the couch so her next sentence wouldn’t be overheard. “These three have also taken quite a liking to you, Bad Dude, ever since you came by for a visit with those sumptuous donuts of yours. You could always reward them with hints of affection, too—just not too much. Don’t want three pleasantly plump changelings waddling around the place, do we?”

When Chrysalis smiled, Bad Dude did the same. Then he faced the trio of changelings on the floor again and felt his smile fade away. “Now what could I call you?” he asked himself.

He tried to think of something easy to remember—three of something would work best.

Bad Dude hitched in a breath when it hit him—one of his favorite games to play with his father when business was slow.

He pointed at each one in turn. “Tic… Tac… Toe! How does that sound?”

The three changelings gave each other a hurried glance, before nodding in approval. Still, they continued to look up at him with interest.

“What are they waiting for?” Bad Dude asked Chrysalis.

“For an order, of course,” she told him lightly.

“Oh…” Bad Dude had to think again. He guessed a big part of super villainy was the ability to order others around. Now as his first order as the nefarious Bad Dude, what should he be asking for?

With a hoof, he pointed at Tic. “I want three cookies on a plate, please.”

The changeling nodded and scurried away.

Then Tac. “And a big glass of milk.”

After receiving his order, the second changeling disappeared up a hallway.

“And… uhh…” Bad Dude didn’t know what else he wanted. Too bad. The last remaining changeling was staring at him anxiously with his large, beady eyes, beginning to fidget on the spot. Bad Dude eventually told him, “And a napkin, too! Bad Dude is bound to make a mess!”

The last changeling took to the air with his paper-thin wings and soon disappeared to another place inside the fortress. Bad Dude only hoped it would take them a while to find the place’s kitchen area and pantry, in case he had to come up with even more orders for them to do.

“Now I feel better,” Sombra announced, exiting from a doorway at the edge of the living room area. Wrapped around his mane was a towel, while his fur and tail remained damp. Since disappearing for a shower, his facial hair had been clipped and cut and his coat and hair appeared garbage free. Bad Dude hadn’t noticed it until now, but since cleaning up, Sombra also sported a series of shallow cuts around his belly and shoulders—most likely from his years of battle and torment done upon the Crystal Empire.

“What are you two doing?” Sombra asked, stepping further into the living room.

“Just giving orders,” Bad Dude answered.

Sombra nodded in understanding. “Very good, my Prince. Every King must give orders.” His red-and-green eyes slowly drifted towards Chrysalis, whose eyes were staring everywhere else on the stallion but his face. “Can I help you with something?”

Chrysalis looked up at him coolly. “You clean up rather well.”

“Obviously.”

Bad Dude took the cue and leapt off the couch, nabbing Sombra’s towel with his teeth and hurriedly running away with it. Instead of pursuing him or even reacting, Sombra rather grumbled underneath his breath before he flung his head from side to side in order to dry his mane. Once it was done, his mane softly landed back on his shoulders in long, wavy lengths and curls.

“You’re still staring at me,” he told Chrysalis.

Again, Chrysalis reacted nonchalantly. “Just trying to see if I could spot the cracks on your skin where you were torn apart.” She gave him a thin smile.

Sombra rolled his eyes and marched away, heading up his longwinded staircase.

Bad Dude was about to giggle at how everything had proceeded, but before he could, a heavy hand fell to his shoulder and roughly whirled him around.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Discord asked, his face pressed close to his.

Bad Dude had to avert his gaze. “Nothing.”

“Don’t ‘nothing’ me, buster!” Discord spat. “You trying to set those two up?”

“Maybe.”

“Don’t we have enough possible internal conflict without stuff like that going on?”

Bad Dude felt his cheeks growing red. “But… I just thought it made sense. I mean… one’s a Queen and one’s a King… so shouldn’t they be together? And if they were together, then that would make me their son, in a way. Although, I’d never leave my real family, of course.”

Discord scoffed. “So you have your father and your mother figure. Where does that leave me, then? Weird uncle that no one wants to visit anymore?”

“I guess,” Bad Dude admitted. “But it’s not like anything’s gonna happen… I was just making sure they’d get along.”

“You mean ‘get along in bed’, you little oddball.” Discord exhaled roughly and pointed a sharp finger at him. “Just so long as you don’t try and set me up with Tirek or something! Won’t work! Can’t see it happening!”

Bad Dude had to laugh at that. “Don’t worry, Discord. I won’t.”

After calming down a bit, Discord motioned to the doors to the fortress’ grand meeting room. “You ready to formulate our first plan, boss?”

Bad Dude gave a nod. “You bet!”

Then, with hoof in claw they went, as Bad Dude made a mental note to place all of his Flutterbat/Discord drawings in a more well-hidden location.

It could still work, he thought to himself stubbornly.

Author's Notes:

Was supposed to include a few more scenes/explanations, but I guess that'll have to wait until next chap.

Coming up? Stuff! Not gonna spoil everywhere, here.

Sew Far, Sew Good

“This chair’s too hard,” Sombra grumbled to no one in particular, sluggishly adjusting his plot from side to side atop his new stone seat. “I’m going to go get a pillow from my quarters to sit on.”

“Don’t bother,” Discord told him. “That many stairs; you’ll miss the whole meeting before you even get back.” Discord, from his own matching stone seat around the mammoth circular table, snapped his claws together and underneath Sombra appeared a pink-and-white polka dot pillow. Discord gave him a one-sided grin. “Happy now, soft butt?”

Sombra pursed his lips. “For now, it will do.”

In the center of Discord’s flying fortress had their meeting room been set up. High, curved ceilings. Brick walls and iron chandeliers with burning candles. In the center of the room was a light blue stone table cut into a perfect circle. Four chairs surrounded it at the moment… but it was evident that more could be added with only a moment’s notice.

Discord angled his head towards Chrysalis. “What's taking my grapefruit juice so long? This is just getting ridiculous now.”

At that, Chrysalis exhaled softly and turned her chair around—no easy feat given how solid and heavy each one of them were. “Children? How goes Discord’s drink?”

On a table pressed against the wall was a large silver contraption with a strainer and a lever attachment; bags of oranges, grapefruits, and other whole fruits sat on the floor next to it. Toe (one of Chrysalis’ many children) worked the large lever on the end while Tic held a glass underneath the pourer on the other side. Tac, the last of the trio, busied himself loading the “crushing” compartment with more grapefruits to be squeezed.

Bad Dude eyed the glass Tic held and found it barely even half full—pulpy, too.

“Keep working, children,” Chrysalis told them, “You’re doing—”

She was halted when Toe smashed the lever to the machine far too hard, squashing the grapefruit at its center instantly and shooting out bits of mangled fruit in all directions. Tac ended up getting the worst of it—several bits of acidic grapefruit juice in the eyes. Momentarily blinded, he hovered around the room, banging into walls as Tic and Toe scurried after him to try and help.

Chrysalis was the quickest to respond—grabbing hold of the frenzied Tac with her aura and bringing him down to set on her lap. Using her own napkin and a glass of water, she dampened it and gently ran it over his eyes.

“I always warned you children about the dangers of grapefruit juice,” she cooed to Tac, as he sniffled underneath her.

Discord scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Just great. By this rate I’ll never get a nice, fresh squeezed glass of juice to myself.”

“Couldn’t you just snap yourself one?” Bad Dude suggested helpfully.

Discord slouched. “Well, technically yes, but you know how much sweeter things taste when someone else gets them for you?”

Bad Dude decided to put current fruit juice emergencies on hold as he loudly cleared his throat. All parties at the table turned to him.

He smiled, hopeful no one had noticed just how many books he’d had to stack underneath himself to be level with the rest of them. “I thought it would be best if we started with roll call,” he began clearly, sliding a bit of parchment onto the table. “Bad Dude?” he asked, before responding, “Here!”

He added a checkmark beside his name with a quill.

Discord groaned. “We know who’s here, Bad Dude; there’re only four of us, for Celestia’s sake.”

“King Sombra?” Bad Dude continued unperturbed.

“Obviously.”

“Queen Chrysalis?”

“Here!” someone answered in a mocking tone.

Bad Dude looked up from his parchment to find Discord snickering. Chrysalis was shooting daggers at him. “I do not sound like that!” she trumpeted.

“You sort of do,” he explained.

“I would have to agree,” Sombra added dryly.

Softly, Chrysalis set Tac back on the floor before shutting her eyes and rubbing at her temples with her hooves. “I can’t believe the only other mature pony in the room is the one still in grade school.”

Bad Dude added another check mark. “Discord?”

“Not here,” Discord replied snidely, before crossing his eyes together while sticking out his tongue. “I’m actually his far less attractive twin brother, Derp Lord.”

Bad Dude added the last check mark anyways, before looking up again. “Looks like everyone is here. So, first order of business! Getting Tirek out of Tartarus!”

The other three shared a collective groan.

Bad Dude’s ears flattened. “What? What’s wrong?”

“My back… it must be these chairs,” Sombra grunted out.

“No! I mean what’s wrong with getting Tirek out of Tartarus? When I went to go visit him, that’s the first thing I told him we would do.”

“Well, Bad Dude…” Chrysalis started awkwardly, “I only thought we could start with different activities, instead. I mean, it’s not like Tirek’s going anywhere.”

“I second that motion,” Discord announced with a lion’s paw held high. “Why waste our time busting some geezer out of prison when we could be… oh, I don’t know… causing a little ol’ chaos?”

Sombra leaned across the table towards Discord. “As long as that so-called ‘chaos’ happens to involve the takeover of the Crystal Empire.”

“Actually, I was thinking something a little larger in scope, Mister Grumbles,” Discord answered sharply.

“What about Canterlot?” Chrysalis cut in. “Has everyone forgotten what a precarious state it’s been left in since Bad Dude’s attack?”

“I didn’t attack them!” Bad Dude shouted with a squeak. “I just talked to them.”

Chrysalis shook her head. “Okay… since Bad Dude’s ‘incredibly painful talk.’ But don’t you all realize how easy it would be to take back and control?”

Discord leaned back in his chair while stroking his beard. “Not necessarily, Queenie. Since Celestia and Luna have been bedridden, Twilight and her friendship gang have been more-or-less on guard should something arise in their absence. This still is the time to strike, no doubt—considering the last time I spoke with Fluttershy, she happened to mention the Princesses would be up and at it again in a few weeks at most—but the big question becomes who and where we should strike.”

“Tirek in Tartarus!” Bad Dude exclaimed again, but to little avail.

“We could always turn the moon into a giant ball of cotton candy?” Discord suggested.

“I’m tired of blowing my own nose,” Sombra complained. “I want my slaves back. My vote still goes to the Crystal Empire.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “They’ll be expecting that, Sombra. Attacking Canterlot again? Right after it’s been attacked? They wouldn’t see it coming.”

Sombra turned to give her a sharp look. “And that wouldn’t have anything to do with your defeat the last time you were there? Are you truly thinking about what’s best for this organization or only what’s best for you?”

“Are you?” she shot back.

“You’re honestly telling me you wouldn’t want a slave to give you back rubs whenever you wanted them?”

Bringing a hoof to her lips, Chrysalis whistled loudly and a moment later Toe flew to the side of her chair to begin massaging her shoulders. After she gave Toe a quick peck on the cheek, she whirled to Sombra while narrowing her eyes.

“I still miss my slaves…” Sombra muttered aloud, as if that somehow ended the argument.

“Doesn’t anyone like random chaos anymore?” Discord asked lightly. “Anyone?”

Chrysalis raised her hoof. “Canterlot.”

Sombra did the same. “My empire.”

Discord raised both hands. “Derp Lord!”

“Stop it!”

Leaping off his chair, Bad Dude climbed atop the table and marched to its center. He took a moment to look at all three of them in turn, giving each of them his sternest expression. One by one, they shied away from him, only barely meeting his eyes. The room became very quiet suddenly—even Tic, Tac, and Toe retreated to a corner of the room to huddle together.

“You guys are terrible,” Bad Dude started stubbornly. “And I’m not just saying that because you’re all villains. What you’re doing now… you’re all just being selfish! You’re only thinking about yourselves! We’re supposed to be a team! And my dad always told me there’s no ‘I’ in team.”

“There is an ‘I’ in hive, though,” Chrysalis added with a giggle.

The glare Bad Dude gave her made her shrink in her seat and grab at her chest.

Bad Dude continued on gamely, “There’s a reason you all lost before—because you didn’t have anyone looking out for you; trying to help you succeed.” He pointed a small hoof at Sombra. “If Chrysalis had been around when you were defeated, she could’ve flown up and grabbed the Crystal Heart for you, right? It helps having someone with wings as your friend.” He indicated Chrysalis next. “If you had Discord helping you out at the Royal Wedding, he could’ve distracted Twilight and her friends enough with some chaos so that things would’ve gone off without a hitch for you.” Finally, he marched up to Discord. “And you—”

Discord sighed, before interrupting, “Yes, yes, I see where you’re going, Bad Dude. If both these knuckleheads would’ve been around, they could’ve halted the blast that turned me back into stone. I could’ve thrown Sombra in front of me or something. Super-duper best friends… blah, blah, blah… but what does this have to do with springing Tirek?”

Bad Dude took a moment to think on that. Once he knew what he wanted to say, he looked back up with gusto. “We need to show Equestria that villains can play as a team—just like the heroes. If they see that we actually care about each other, then… maybe other villains will be more likely to come join us. And what sounds scarier to you? One villain working alone? Or a whole load of them working together side-by-side and looking out for one another? It’s worked for the heroes, hasn’t it?”

Sombra loudly knocked on the table. “For the record, I don’t care about either of you two.”

Bad Dude spun to him. “But you care about me, right?”

Sombra winced from the question. “Of course I do. You’re my apprentice, after all.”

“So doesn’t that mean you’ll all try and get along for me, then?”

More grumbling met the question, yet none of them argued further. Instead, they all cast suspicious glances at one another until they more-or-less agreed with Bad Dude’s request.

“And,” Bad Dude tried to add cheerfully, “it’s not like we aren’t gonna do what you guys want. We just need to show Equestria that we’re a team first! A super evil, unstoppable team!”

“We get it,” Discord spoke irritably, “you want us to work together. Fine! Let’s just see how well that works out. Just stop squeaking like a chew toy and get off the table. You’re leaving hoof marks everywhere.”

As Bad Dude jumped back onto his chair, Sombra nodded a single time. “If that is the way of it, then I will need a proper cape before we begin.”

One snap of Discord’s claws later, and Sombra suddenly had a brand new cape around his shoulders—a rather bright pink one that only traveled a third of the way down his back and even included a large “S” insignia in its middle.

Sombra shut his eyes, exhaling slowly. “I’m not even going to look behind me because I’m pretty sure I won’t like it. But, no, silly dragon, I don’t want a cape created by you. I want one created by my old tailor, and because Bad Dude needs a proper cape as well, I shall bring him along with me.”

“You mean a tailor from the Crystal Empire?” Chrysalis asked him dryly. “Didn’t Bad Dude just go over not being so self-centered?”

“He did. That’s why I’m getting him a cape, too.”

Chrysalis leaned towards him. “Don’t think showing up in your old stomping grounds might raise a few eyebrows, Sombra?”

Sombra smirked at her. “Never heard of a cloak before?”

The four of them stood at the edge of the fortress’ expansive rooftop while arctic winds rippled at Sombra’s new black cloak and Chrysalis’ thin mane. Far, far down below sat the Crystal Empire—surrounded by thousands of miles of snow and with a single train track leading up to its entrance.

Most eyes were on Sombra, who stared at his old home with what looked like a mixture of nervousness and hate. He turned away from the city to look back at Discord and Chrysalis.

“This will sound odd,” he admitted, “but I’ll need to borrow some of your powers. My defeat alongside my years spent inside a cave has done irreparable damage to my magic supply—I know I will gain it back over time, but…” He let his sentence hang in the air.

Discord ended up being the first to step forward—sighing and cracking his knuckles together. “You use this magic against me and I’ll be really pissed,” he warned, before he shoved one of his eagle claws up Sombra’s nose before he could react. While cocking his thumb, Discord made a bang! sound and a thick surge of purple-and-black energy shot from his claw and into Sombra’s head.

From the blast of magic, Sombra reeled back and closed his eyes in pain. “Oh, gods! That’s strong!”

Discord cocked a one-sided grin. “You better believe it, baby. That’s one-hundred percent chaos magic, there. They don’t make it like they used to anymore.”

By the corner of the roof, Sombra tapped his forehead with a hoof as he tried to get himself under control. When his breathing steadied, he pried open his eyes to reveal red-and-green pupils that glowed as bright as stoplights.

“Feeling better?” Discord asked with a giggle.

Sombra turned away from them to aim his curved horn at the edge of the roof. As he lifted his horn, a triangular batch of jagged, sharp crystals arose from the roof and continued to climb until they were over six feet tall. Sombra laughed contently, before turning to the rest of them with a devilish grin that Bad Dude had yet to glimpse on the stallion.

Bad Dude was instantly reminded of the King Sombra pictures in his old history books.

Sombra looked down at Bad Dude, who had removed his cape while still inside. “Ready, my young prince?”

Bad Dude glanced over the edge of the roof uneasily. “Uh… sure… but how are we getting down there again?”

“Darkness,” Sombra replied.

“Dark—” was all Bad Dude got out, before Sombra burst outwards in a mound of thick black smoke that sailed across the air and effortlessly took Bad Dude along with it. Oozing over the roof’s edge, the trail of smoke increased in speed until it was hurtling towards the snow-covered ground. Bad Dude remained on the top of the smoke trail—his mane and tail billowing around in the wind. He tried to find something to grab hold of, but found the surrounding smoke held him perfectly in place. The smoke was warming, too; helpful against the surrounding winter conditions.

Ten feet from the ground, Sombra leveled out the smoke and him and Bad Dude landed in the snow with a faint thud. Safe and sound and back on land, Bad Dude bounced up and down in joy.

Sombra smiled at him. “Have fun?”

“Yeah!” Bad Dude told him earnestly. “Any chance of doing that again?”

“Maybe on our way back,” Sombra said, fixing his cloak over his head so as to completely hide his horn. “Remember, Bad Dude, we must remain as inconspicuous as possible. These poor ponies have yet to realize that I am still very much alive and still very much interested in being their ruler again. So we will retrieve our capes and then depart. Sound good?”

Bad Dude nodded. “Yep,” he replied, before something suddenly came to mind. “Actually, there’s this filly in my class that went to the Empire once and got a snow globe from one of the gift shops. You think we could pick one up if we have the time?”

Sombra pursed his lips. “Sure, why not. I must say I am more than a little interested to see the changes in my absence.” He chuckled. “Think they’d have a King Sombra figure to purchase, as well?”

“Probably. Would you buy one if they had it?”

“Obviously,” Sombra told him bluntly. “Don’t you know how much fun it is playing with yourself?”

Bad Dude laughed as Sombra took his hoof in his own and marched them towards the gates of the Crystal Empire.

“This place is already making me sick,” Sombra declared, less than ten minutes later.

Bad Dude had never been to the Crystal Empire before, but he was quickly reminded of the grand fairs they held yearly in Canterlot that his dad would make donuts for. Everywhere Bad Dude looked in the Empire, he saw more and more light blue crystal—walls and buildings and, of course, the giant tower and connecting spire at the heart of the city. All around him, ponies trotted in various directions, happily conversing with one another or slipping into shops or small eateries lining the streets. Over half the population was made up of sparkly Crystal ponies, while the rest appeared normal; some had on “I Visited The Crystal Empire And All I Got Was This Crystal T-Shirt” shirts, while others had matching hats, helium balloons, or likewise “Crystal Empire” souvenirs. Bad Dude noted almost everyone was carrying a glass of lemonade for some reason.

While Sombra wisely waited outside, Bad Dude visited the gift shop near the gates and bought a Crystal Empire snow globe along with two small King Sombra figures (one for himself, obviously). It was rather odd, he found, while searching through the bins of other figures—almost all of the Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armors had been sold, while dozens of extra King Sombras remained. Bad Dude had to shake his head at that. What was wrong with everyone?

“That’ll be thirty-six bits, young stallion,” the Crystal Empire cashier informed him cheerfully.

Bad Dude fished through the pouch of bits his group’s treasury had afforded him and laid them on the counter.

While the cashier bagged his goods, he couldn’t help but furrow his brows at his purchases. “Must say it’s odd—someone as young as you buying not one, but two Sombra toys.”

“Action figures,” Bad Dude corrected.

“Sure. That,” the cashier said. “Still, I would’ve thought a Shining Armor figure would’ve been more your style.”

Bad Dude shook his head adamantly. “No, sir! King Sombra’s the best! And the fact you can rearrange his figure’s battle armor and cape is so cool!”

The cashier gave him his bag and stared at him deadpan. “You do realize he enslaved an entire race and held them under his tyrannical rule for centuries, right?”

“Yep!” Bad Dude answered. “But I’m sure he won’t be that bad next time.”

The cashier raised a brow. “Next time? Sombra’s dead, kid.”

Bad Dude whispered back, “He sure is!” before he tipped him a wink and trotted out the store.

Back in the hustle and bustle of the crowded streets of the Crystal Empire, Sombra seemed to be having a less than ideal time during his visit. Continuously cocking his head from side to side, Bad Dude had to keep leaping up and readjusting his hood to help keep him concealed. Although Bad Dude could only view the tip of his snout because of his hood, he could tell by the sharpness of his tone that Sombra was becoming more and more enraged with every passing minute.

“What in Equestria have they done to my beautiful kingdom?” he spat, glaring at the second lemonade stand they passed. “Dance studios? Condo complexes? Candy shops?” He growled deep in his throat. “Back in my day, everything was grey and miserable and it was wonderful! Now look at everything! Everyone’s all happy and content and smiling… it’s like they don’t even remember me anymore…”

Sombra held his head down for a moment, before Bad Dude tugged on one of his legs with a hoof. “I remember you, Sombra—sure I do! And we can always change the place back once we take it over again.”

Sombra absently ruffled Bad Dude’s mane. “You always know just what to say to make me feel better, Bad Dude, but still—” His sentence was cut short when a group of visiting mares hurried past them, all with glasses of lemonade in hoof. Up the street, a stallion working at yet another lemonade stand joyfully waved them goodbye.

Angrily, Sombra stomped on the ground. “And what is with all these blasted lemonade stands!? Honestly! You couldn’t even finish a single glass by the time you got to the next damned stand!” He brought a hoof to the side of his head. “What architect designed this mockery of an empire?”

Bad Dude’s eyes followed yet another stallion holding a glass of fresh squeezed lemonade, slurping it with a straw. He glanced up at Sombra anxiously. “Speaking of lemonade… think we could get a glass?”

Still fuming, Sombra sighed and slumped his shoulders.

“Sure.”

Two glasses of fresh squeezed lemonade later, and Sombra appeared to have settled down a bit. Using his horn to keep his glass near his muzzle, Sombra and Bad Dude made their way further into the city as he pointed out and explained various locations of his old home.

“And that’s where I discovered a group of ponies plotting to assassinate me,” Sombra told him, indicating a short house made of crystal. “Let’s just say that it was someone else that ended up being assassinated that day.”

At that, he laughed, so Bad Dude did too, although he didn’t quite get it.

A short time later, Sombra seemed close to his old self—his lemonade nearly finished. Closer to the Crystal Empire tower, he gave Bad Dude a quick look at the outside of his old home, before they came upon a sight that made Sombra spray out what lemonade was still in his mouth.

“You have got to be kidding me!” he screamed, as his glass of lemonade splashed to the ground. “Him? Him!?”

Bad Dude looked upward to see what had caused Sombra’s latest outburst. At the base of the Crystal Empire tower was a mammoth statue depicting a young dragon holding the famous Crystal Heart above his head. It was a figure Bad Dude could also remember from his history books: “Spike” the dragon—or the one creature that had saved the Crystal Empire and brought a stop to King Sombra’s return.

Standing underneath the statue, Sombra angrily tapped it with a hoof. “Catch one blasted Crystal Heart and you instantly get a statue for it? What’s Equestria coming too?” He spun around to face Bad Dude. “I never got a statue. And you have any idea how productive the Crystal Empire was under my rule? No breaks. No sleep. No food. Just work, work, work. The amount of pure material we exported in just a month was mind boggling! And don’t even get me started on how well-managed my daycare system was.”

Bad Dude glanced away from him. “Okay, I won’t get you started.”

“Too late!” Sombra spoke. “The key was not allowing any foals inside the daycare; kept things nice and clean, it did.” He turned his cloaked head towards Bad Dude—his hauntingly glowing eyes visible within the darkness of his hood. “Keep an eye out, Bad Dude. Let me know when no one’s looking our way.”

Awkwardly, Bad Dude scanned the area surrounding them, where literally hundreds of ponies busily walked and talked in all directions.

“Is it clear?” Sombra snapped.

“Not really…” Bad Dude admitted.

“Too bad.” Bringing his hoof to his mouth, Sombra pretended to sneeze the moment he shot a wave of red energy from his horn, slicing the dragon statue in half and causing the top part to come crashing down on what remained. Sombra’s weak attempt at a sneeze was horrifically dwarfed by the immense shattering sounds of thousands of bits of crystal smashing against each other and breaking apart. Just when it seemed that things would get quiet again, another mound of crystal would suddenly drop, causing another chorus of sharp snaps that echoed all the way across the empire effortlessly.

When the statue finally came to a rest, the only sound Bad Dude could hear was Sombra’s labored breaths. Everyone around him and in the streets had stopped what they were doing, and were looking at both of them in muted shock and horror.

Eventually, everyone’s momentary paralysis broke and Bad Dude could hear the whispers begin. One Crystal Empire stallion in a dress shirt and tie broke away from the crowd. “What happened? Who did this?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sombra spoke thickly, keeping his back to everyone. “It was that colt, right there.”

A few in the crowd gasped. The stallion did the same. “It… it was? Really?” He looked down at Bad Dude. “You mean to tell me it wasn’t that scary, hooded figure over there, but actually the adorable colt that destroyed the statue?”

“Umm…” Bad Dude felt his cheeks redden. It felt as if half of the Crystal Empire was staring at him. Even feeling as nervous as he was, he knew he couldn’t let Sombra get discovered—at least not yet; not when he was still weak. “Yes,” he answered quietly.

The stallion raised a single brow, his bulging eyes going from Bad Dude to the ground littered with what remained of the statue. He seemed to search for the right thing to say. “How?”

Bad Dude gently rubbed his hoof into the ground while looking downcast. “I tripped. And then it sort of… exploded. A lot.”

The stallion remained perplexed. “You… tripped? And somehow that destroyed the entire thing? You know how much that statue cost to make?”

Bad Dude could almost feel the change in the air; the feelings of curiosity spinning towards ones of hate. A hoof fell to his shoulder.

“Now why don’t you tell all these nice ponies here that you’re sorry, hmm?” Sombra spoke close to him. “I’m sure it would help.”

Oh. Now Bad Dude understood things a bit more.

On nervous legs, Bad Dude took a few steps towards the gathered mass and pretended to hitch in a few breaths. He ran a leg under his eyes and made them shimmer with fresh tears. “I’m awfully sorry,” he explained in a soft tone. “I didn’t mean to break the statue. Honest. It was just an accident and I’m really, really sorry.” He pouted as a single tear dripped down his cheek. “Please don’t be mad at me. Please?”

The crowd responded with a unanimous Awwwwwww! Even the stallion in the dress shirt melted slightly by the sight, before he winced and rubbed at his chest. When Bad Dude began to sniffle, the same stallion fell to his rump and held a hoof out to him. “It’s all right! No one’s mad at you… no one’s…” He grunted, then roughly got to his hooves again. “I think I need to go see a doctor now… if you’ll excuse me…”

The stallion exiting the scene started the chain reaction Bad Dude had been hoping for. While some left due to simple boredom, others retreated in a mild amount of pain. Others, still, came up to Bad Dude to console him and give him a quick hug, letting him know they really weren’t mad at him. As one mare dried the tears from his face, Bad Dude became almost certain that he could conquer the entire Empire and be forgiven for it in the same day.

After everyone moved on to leave them alone, Sombra came to stand next to him. He held a hoof to his mouth to yell at the dispersing ponies, “Go! Run away! Enjoy your fresh squeezed lemonade while you can!”

One stallion in the thick of the crowd actually turned and happily yelled back, “Why, thank you! I sure will!”

Sombra slapped a hoof against his hooded face. “I can’t even believe I used to call these ponies good workers…”

Down below, Bad Dude fretfully tugged on his cloak. “Can we please get our capes and go? That was a really close call.”

Sombra sighed. “You are right, my prince. And that was very selfish of me. I acted without thought and almost ruined our plans before they even began. Will you forgive me, Bad Dude?”

Bad Dude smiled. “Of course, Sombra; everyone makes mistakes.”

Sombra smiled back, wrapping a foreleg around the colt to pull him in for an embrace.

“Now let’s see if I can find my old tailor or not…”

Sombra’s former tailor was a Crystal Empire stallion known as Shiny Button, who operated a clothing shop by the edges of the city called, “Let It Sew”. After leaving the destroyed statue behind, Sombra and Bad Dude began asking around if anyone knew of Shiny Button’s location. A few surprised reactions later, they were told where his shop was. To Sombra more-than-mild annoyance, they learned it was located by the Empire’s second lemonade district, and that if they ventured into the third lemonade district, then they’d gone too far.

“The moment I am king again, I will outlaw all lemonade!” Sombra said while they traveled together. “Punishable by death! What kind of death, you ask?”

Sombra didn’t leave enough time to ask.

“Dehydration!” Sombra laughed wickedly at that. “Irony at its finest!”

Twenty minutes after the statue scene, Sombra and Bad Dude entered the tailor’s shop and found it completely void of other ponies. With a low chuckle, Sombra lowered his hood and straightened out his mane, flashing his pointed fangs. At the other end of the small shop was a brown unicorn with half-moon spectacles. Using his horn, he carefully measured out a length of cloth with a tape measure before slicing it with scissors.

A tiny bell above the door announced their arrival.

Shiny Button kept on working, keeping his back to them. “Be with you in a moment!” he called to them gingerly.

Bad Dude and Sombra crossed the shop in a few steps, stopping at the wooden counter. Sombra laid his hooves next to the cash register. “It seems my old tailor has done rather well for himself, hasn’t he?” Sombra spoke softly.

Shiny Button’s next snip of his scissors was wildly off the mark as he jolted. Becoming pale, he slowly turned his head to them. “King Sombra…?”

Bad Dude smiled and waved. “Hi! I’m here, too!”

Like a bolt of lightning, Shiny Button ran to the back of his shop, dropping his cloth and scissors as he went. In reaction, Sombra sighed bitterly and broke apart into a mound of smoke that trailed after the scurrying tailor. One yelp! noise later, and Shiny Button was dragged back into the main area of the shop and set back right where he started.

Shiny Button started blubbering immediately. “No, no, no, no…” he mumbled on continuous loop.

Once whole again on the other side of the counter, Sombra eyed up a spray bottle close at hoof and lifted it up with his horn. Then he gave Shiny Button a few light sprays in the face with it.

“Bad Shiny Button!” he scolded. “Bad former slave! No escape attempts for you! No calling for help, either!”

Shiny Button winced from the sprays of water, continuing to say, “No, no, no, no…”

Sombra angrily set the spray bottle down, glaring at him. “What? What are you doing? What’s saying ‘no’ like that going to accomplish? Am I going to suddenly change my mind if you say ‘no’ a certain amount of times? ‘Oh, look! That smart Shiny Button just said ‘No’ for the seventy-fifth time! Guess we better leave!’”

Shiny Button looked at him with mild hope. “Really?”

Sombra gave him another spray. “No, you dolt! I came for a new cape, along for a new cape for him.” He nodded in Bad Dude’s direction.

Shiny Button got himself under enough control to glance down at Bad Dude. He bit his trembling lip. “Now you’re… kidnapping foals!?” he sputtered out. “You were a monster before… but, now this?”

Sombra rolled his eyes. “Hold your naïve tongue, Button. This colt right here is my partner—my very special partner.”

Shiny Button’s white face turned a shade green.

Sombra shut his eyes in annoyance. “I meant partner in crime, you dolt! Don’t go making this weird.”

“But I saw you die!” Shiny Button tried to explain. “Torn apart and everything! I even got drunk at the after party…”

Again, Sombra rested his hooves on the counter, closing the distance between them. “Well, too bad, Button. Things are about to change around here. And, just for the record, I hope some of my exploding buttocks smacked you in the face when I was defeated. How dare you celebrate my destruction!”

Shiny Button looked at him sourly. “But you have to admit, you’re not all that nice of a stallion.”

“I am firm, but fair,” Sombra clarified. “Just don’t get on my bad side and you might not be killed.”

“But who’s ever been on your good side?”

“No one!” Sombra roared, before hastily looking at Bad Dude. “Okay. He’s all right. But that’s it!”

Visibly jittering where he stood, Shiny Button eventually asked him, “So what do you want? Tell me! I just don’t want to die!”

“Why, a new cape, of course,” Sombra told him gently. “Does your king not look a tad… naked without one?”

“But everyone’s naked,” Shiny Button replied. “Like, literally everyone in Equestria. I just make accessories, really.”

Sombra looked at the counter for a moment and said more to himself, “He says he doesn’t want to die, but he keeps on saying things that make me want to kill him. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.”

Shiny Button nodded energetically. “Never mind! I’ll shut up now! Capes, right? You want capes? Like your old one?”

Sombra grinned at him. “Precisely. And my associate here will tell you exactly what he wants, too.” A reddish aura wrapped around Bad Dude’s middle and lifted him onto the counter. Sombra smiled at him warmly. “Well, my prince?”

Oh. Bad Dude had to think on that. When he finally had a design in mind, he hurriedly told Shiny Button all that he wanted.

Two hours later and Shiny Button unveiled both capes. Like his old one, Sombra’s was blood red with a white-and-black spotted boarder. As they watched and waited for their apparel, Sombra wondered if a good blacksmith still existed somewhere in the Empire that could fashion him new armor. Then he asked Bad Dude if he’d like something close to the same, although Bad Dude had to decline. What were the odds of someone actually striking down an innocent colt in a cape?

No. Bad Dude wasn’t worried about defense. He was made entirely out of pure, fluffy offense.

Shiny Button (now literally quite shiny due to the excessive sweat on his coat) laid out Sombra’s new cape before receiving a silent nod of approval from the ex-king. Next up was Bad Dude’s, which he laid out on the counter next to it.

“So… so is it good?” Shiny Button wheezed. “Please, tell me it’s good so I can run away already!”

Bad Dude gasped as he touched his new cape. Like his old one, it was royal blue. Unlike his old one, it had a white boarder similar to Sombra’s, but with dark blue diamonds embedded into the fabric. The royal blue section of his cape was different, too. Hoof-sized images of stars and crescent moons dotted the whole design, holographic in nature. Depending on what angle someone was viewing the cape, they could see from one, up to dozens of different silvery images and designs. Bad Dude found it gave his cape almost a liquid-like appearance, like some cloth made out of rippling water.

“I think it’s the coolest cape I’ve ever seen!” Bad Dude told him openly. “Thanks a bunch, mister Button!”

Shiny Button chuckled uneasily. “That’s quite all right. Just go away and never come back, okay?”

After stuffing both capes inside a takeaway bag, Sombra and Bad Dude made to leave the store before Sombra spun back around. He looked down at Bad Dude. “Why don’t you rough Button up a bit, hmm? Make sure he doesn’t open his trap about what he saw here today.”

Bad Dude frowned. “But I don’t want to hurt him. He made us really nice capes today.”

Sombra furrowed his brows. “You’re not sounding a whole lot like a villain right now, you know.”

Bad Dude stomped a tiny hoof. “I am so a villain! I have the word ‘Bad’ in my name and everything!”

Sombra reacted with a mischievous grin. “Of course. My mistake, my young prince. Don’t rough up, Shiny Button. Instead, why don’t you go give him a hug? A nice, long hug to thank him for his work? And don’t forget to be just as cute as you can be.”

Bad Dude nodded at once. “I can do that!”

Then he trotted back to Shiny Button to do just that.

Sadly, due to chest pains, Shiny Button wouldn’t end up leaving the Crystal Empire hospital for over three weeks. And in all that time, he only muttered a single sentence.

The sentence in question?

“The king returns…”

Author's Notes:

"Hey, Derp. Why don't you write a short chapter about getting capes? Maybe 2000 words-ish?"

"Sounds great! I like short chapters!"

(6000 words later)

"Not like I wanted to do anything else besides write today... stupid fingers..."

Attack On Tartarus

Almond Butter was having a less than swell day. With a sigh, she used her horn to stir her morning’s fourth cup of coffee in the hopes that it would wake her up a bit. The night prior, she’d stayed up late finishing the last three chapters of the latest Making a Sandwich book, hopeful that once it was done, she’d be able to sleep soundly at night again.

But no. Something was still wrong. Something was still off, she thought.

As sole secretary of Tartarus, Almond Butter had become accustomed to all things odd and unusual. Last week, Discord the draconequus had been in—although all he did was sit in the waiting room and read from a magazine. That same day, a small colt asked if he could pay the inmate known as Tirek a visit. Minutes following that, a fellow colleague fainted to the floor for apparently no reason at all… and then something even stranger happened following that.

Coloring books, toffee squares, and numerous comic books were found in Tirek’s cell—hardly a single drawing where Tirek hadn’t colored outside of the lines. Everyday, Tirek’s cell was routinely searched and categorized. So just who had brought all those new items to him? And, perhaps most disparaging of all: why did they?

Almond Butter fixed the glasses resting on her muzzle and gave her head a tiny shake. The waiting room right in front of her was loaded well-past capacity and she was spending her morning leaping at shadows? Perhaps it was only how quiet the waiting room was at the current moment—dozens of ponies with their heads silently buried in magazines, not a single one of them bothering to hold a conversation.

Odd, Almond Butter thought curiously. Almost quaint.

Odder still was when Princess Celestia herself marched across the waiting room floor alongside a stallion secured in manacles and chains.

“Good morning, my dear,” Princess Celestia greeted pleasantly, while her large and flowing mane effortlessly concealed half of her face. She smiled at her thinly. “I have a prisoner in need of immediate deposit, if you’d be so kind.”

Almond Butter had to blink rapidly to help clear her mind. Shoving her coffee aside, she scooped up a fresh strip of scroll alongside her trusty quill. “Of course, Princess! Right away!” She rose to her hooves to get a better look over her desk. “Are… all of these ponies with you, Princess?”

Celestia gave a one-sided grin as she glanced first to her left and then to her right. On her right stood Discord, clad in a black-and-blue security-style uniform, complete with matching tie and hat. At the moment, he was twirling around a heavy black baton in his claws.

Discord raised a brow at Almond Butter. “Do I look like a pony to you?”

“Well… I…” Almond Butter began, before noticing the rest of Celestia’s party.

To Celestia’s left was the black stallion wrapped in large manacles and chains—around his mouth was a muzzle-sized mask made of steel. Draped over his back was a blood red cape and hidden underneath his many restrains appeared to be expansive bits of glimmering, silver armor. Above his glowing red-and-green eyes was… a curved red horn?

Almond Butter brought a hoof to her mouth. “Is that King Sombra? No… no, it couldn’t be.”

“One and the same,” Celestia answered evenly. “Discord and I have been working together for some time to locate the brute and came upon him as he was snoozing in the woods. One well thrown rock later and… well, I won’t bore you with the details.”

Almond Butter’s quill and scroll lay forgotten in her aura at the moment. “I heard he was killed, though… at the Empire. This is just all so—”

“Don’t trust in your Princess of the Sun, my dear?” Celestia cut in, a bit of sharpness edging into her voice. She turned to her side and gave Sombra a rough kick to the ribs. “Go ahead, Sombra! Explain yourself!”

If glares had the ability to set objects on fire, then the stare Sombra was giving Celestia at that moment would have surely set her and most of the room on fire.

Sombra roughly cleared his throat. “The great King Sombra will not be held in this poor excuse of a jail for long. I am the Lord of Fear and all will bow to me and tremble before I am through with everyone here.”

“Oh. Oh, wow,” Almond Butter mumbled out. So far this all was a lot more interesting than her Making a Sandwich book. “I didn’t even know King Sombra could talk before… thought it was more guttural speak, really.”

Celestia gave the slightest of nods at that. “How true,” she replied, before she turned to Sombra again. “Maybe try and sound a little more like yourself there, Sombra?”

Sombra pursed his lips before putting his head down. Without looking at anyone, he muttered, “Crystals… slaves… et-cetera…”

“Wow! It really is him!” Almond Butter trumpeted, facing Celestia with large, expressive eyes. “Amazing work, Princess Celestia! Not that… I mean, not that I had any doubts of your talent or anything, it’s just—”

Celestia held up a hoof to quiet her. Her face seemed to soften by the response. “It’s quite all right, my child. I will simply look past your idiocy for the time being.”

Taking a step forward, Discord laid his heavy baton on her desk. “Can we get a move on, please? Some of us actually have places to be today.”

Like snapping out from a dream, Almond Butter brought her scroll back up in front of her. “Of course! Right away! Let me just get the paper work started here and…” She ground to a halt when she noted a small colt sitting astride on Celestia’s back. She pointed at him with her quill. “If you don’t mind my asking, Princess, but… who’s that with you?”

Celestia waved a hoof. “Oh, don’t mind him. That’s another one of my nephews—Sugary Topping. Told him he could come along as long as he behaved himself.”

The grey colt atop her back gave Almond Butter a little wave. “Hi! I’m helping today!”

Almond Butter smiled at him. “I bet you are. And you even have a mustache… for some reason.”

The colt touched the tips of his obviously fake mustache.

Celestia chuckled weakly. “You know how colts can be sometimes. One moment they want nothing more than games and toys and then for some reason it’s suddenly mustaches. I’m sure it’s just a phase, though.”

“A mustache phase?” Almond Butter asked.

Celestia cocked a brow. “You never went through one?” Then she shook her head. “Listen, dear, we really should be pressing onwards—dangerous villain here and everything—so if you’d be so kind as to open the doors of Tartarus for us, we can go ahead and deposit Sombra lickety-split.”

“Lickety-split?”

“It’s an old fashioned Canterlot term—means ‘as fast as a hot potato’.”

Almond Butter blinked a single time. “You’re losing me, Princess.”

Celestia tightened her jaw noticeably. “Just open the door, sweetie, and Discord and I will take care of everything else. All right? Sound good? Don’t want to get on my bad side, do you? I remember a certain sister that got on my bad side once. Just once, mind you.”

“Of… of course…” Almond Butter stuttered out, lowering her scroll and quill to her desk. Never before had she actually spoken with the Princess, but based on this meeting alone, she hoped she’d never have to again. “Right this way, Princess.”

It was hard to say what the employees of Tartarus were staring at most as they all traveled to the steel doors in the back: the sight of the Princess of the Sun paying them a visit; the sheer oddity that was Discord in another one of his many costumes; the up-until-then thought dead King of the Crystal Empire in chains; or, the colt on Celestia’s back with the clearly fake mustache.

All in all, it made for one very noteworthy Monday morning at work.

“Will someone get these blasted things off of me already?” Sombra barked the moment the steel doors slammed shut behind them. “I think they might be cutting off circulation…”

Standing in front of him, Princess Celestia burst into a mound of green flames before reappearing as Queen Chrysalis. She turned to face Sombra with a smirk. “And here I thought those chains suited you just fine.” She glanced at Discord for a brief moment. “Always had a thing for restraints—Shining Armor knows all about it.”

Discord rolled his eyes at her, before snapping a thick slab of papers into his hands. He quickly gasped at it. “Hey! Look here! It’s information! But there’s simply too much of it to properly comprehend!” Then he frowned at her. “Get it?”

First removing his mustache before donning the cape in his pack, Bad Dude climbed off of Chrysalis’ back before staring up at them all excitedly. “Isn’t this great! The plan’s working!”

“So far,” Discord added snidely. “We still need to get Tirek—decide if we want to kill him or not on sight—and then escape, too. Tall order, I must say.”

“Hello? Am I invisible or something?” Sombra grumbled behind them. “Losing feeling in my legs here!”

Discord snapped his claws a second time and the chains and manacles around Sombra fell away. Once they were on the ground, Sombra roughly kicked them off the edge of the walkway they were on, where the bits of chain and metal hurriedly tumbled away into darkness.

Sombra gave his joints a quick stretch, before growling at Chrysalis. “You call that acting? What is it with you and never trying to appear like the pony you’re supposed to be? Celestia may be a troublesome bitch to you and I, but that doesn’t mean she acts like one!”

Chrysalis grunted out her response. “I wasn’t feeling it, all right? Plain and simple. The role wasn’t juicy enough for me.”

“Juicy?” Sombra snapped. “The Princess of the Sun wasn’t a big enough role for you? Name a single, bigger role!”

“Discord’s ego?” Chrysalis rebutted.

Discord perked up at that. “I heard my name! Is someone stroking my ego?”

“No one’s stroking anything of yours, dragon,” Sombra grumbled out. “Let us finish this mission posthaste, so we may set our sights on better activities, okay? But firstly, I shall be in need of more of your magic. Discord?”

Discord sighed, but moved towards him regardless. “Is that all I am to you, my good Som-bro? Just a keeper of magic with which to pilfer from?” He stuck out his eagle’s claw. “Just don’t go getting boogers on it this time.”

Shielding his face with a leg, Sombra recoiled. “No! Not the nose again! That hurt last time.”

“Then where?” Discord furrowed his brows. “Mouth?”

Sombra gagged. “I don’t know where those claws have been!”

“If I shoot it through your ears, there’s a good chance of frying your peanut-sized brain… and I don’t think you want it in that last remaining hole of yours, either.”

Sombra paled at that. “All right. Mouth it is, then.”

Tartarus had changed a bit since Bad Dude’s last visit. Everything he’d encountered during his first trek was still there, only now it was being presented in a completely different order, almost as if the place rearranged itself at will.

As the four of them traversed Tartarus’ many paths and narrow walkways, Discord explained the few facts he actually knew for a certainty about the gloomy dungeon. The first was that his magic was severaly limited once inside. The idea of simply snapping Tirek out of there was completely out of the question, as was teleporting anyone inside or out. Something to do with security measures Celestia had set up long ago should Discord be imprisoned instead of turned to stone sometime in the future.

The second bit of information was one involving simple safety practices. If someone were to give Tartarus even the quickest of glances, they’d soon realize it was made up of more dark abysses than real places to even stand. Lose your balance while crossing a narrow bridge? Into the abyss you go. Trip over a random pebble by accident? The abyss is more than willing to accept your screaming self. Needless to say, the notion of falling away into nothingness would worry even the most stouthearted of Tartarus employees.

The truth of the matter was that the abyss didn’t actually exist at all. Instead, it was only a spell. Anyone that accidentally fell into the abyss was instantly teleported to a waiting cell near the lobby area. Of course, this cell was kept locked tight at all times to screen for possible escapees…

“I don’t remember them being here before,” Bad Dude admitted, once he and his crew entered another rocky section of Tartarus.

Up ahead was a pair of guards standing idle, each with a spear over their shoulders; behind them stood the four doors that led further into Tartarus.

Sombra took a step forward and displayed his fangs. “Allow me to take care of them. It has been too long since I have tasted fresh blood on my lips.”

“Ugh. Gross,” Discord said, his upper lip curling in distain. “Control yourself, Sam Bob, especially in front of the kid. We’re trying to do this stealthily, remember? Let me handle this.”

As Sombra grumbled to himself, Discord strolled forward and made a batch of helium balloons tied to string appear in his paw. When he got close enough to the guards for them to take notice, they instantly jolted and aimed their spears in his direction.

“You’re not supposed to be down here!” one of them shouted.

“Yeah! What he said!” the other added soon afterwards.

Discord chuckled at them. “Aren’t you both so full of vigor? Believe you me, I’m not here to do anything bad—only offer you both a balloon! Can you believe it’s already been six days since the last accident here?”

One of the guards shot the other a look. “Six days? Really? Say, we’re doing pretty good!”

Without asking, Discord attached a balloon to the first guard’s hoof before doing the same to the other guard. All at once, the balloons began steadily rising into the air until they literally dragged both guards upwards and away as they shouted down to him.

“I knew I never should have trusted someone giving out free balloons!” one of them screamed.

“Yeah! What he said!” screamed the other, as they both floated clear out of sight.

As Discord rejoined the rest of them, Sombra muttered to himself, “I still think my way would’ve left a larger impression to our opposition.”

Discord waved a finger. “But not nearly as weird.”

True.

One long slide ride later, Bad Dude, Discord, Sombra, and Chrysalis had finally made their way to the ends of Tartarus, where Tirek sat at his only table with a book propped open before him.

As he heard them all approach, he set his book aside and stared at them bewildered. “I do not believe it,” he uttered softly. “The colt did not lie.”

“Nope!” Bad Dude exclaimed. “I told you I’d come back! And with friends, too!”

Discord wrapped a hand around Bad Dude’s mouth to silence him. “Him and I are friends, but not the rest of us. Bad Dude here can’t seem to go even a single day without ‘friending’ the place up some way or the other.”

Tirek grinned at Discord, pulling the hood on his cloak down. “My old partner… things keep on getting stranger and stranger, do they not?”

Discord sighed. “Whatever. Let’s get you out of here already, so Bad Dude will finally stop going on about rescuing you. Comprendi?”

Tirek pressed his fingertips together. “Not still… harboring a grudge against me, Discord?”

Discord waved a paw while chuckling. “What? That? Being betrayed and feeling horrifically used and abused by someone I thought was my friend? Nah! Water under the bridge, my good goat! I’m sure by the end of all this, you and I will have our very own singing duet to enjoy together!”

“So… not mad?” Tirek questioned cautiously.

“What do you think?” Discord answered in a hiss, his jaw clenched so tight one of his teeth actually broke.

Tirek pushed his chair out to stand, straightening out his cloak as he did. He exhaled quietly. “Very well. It seems we’ve entered a new phase in life—one I truly never would have guessed existed at all.” He raised his manacled arms for them to see. “I’ll need someone to break these, obviously.”

Without looking at him, Discord snapped the chains away before crossing his arms over his chest.

Tirek grinned again, rubbing at his freed limbs. He gave a quick glance at the numerous hills of books littering his cell. “I also wish to take some of my books with me, if that’s all right—the only items that have kept me company all these long days and nights here. I have grown quite attached to them, you see.”

Discord turned to him with a one-sided smirk. “No problem, friend-o.”

Tirek appeared confused. “Really?”

“Sure!” Discord said, before he snapped his claws again, engulfing every book and text in the small area with great mounds of flames. “Now you don’t need to feel so attached to them. See?”

Tirek’s shoulders slumped. “You’re still mad at me.”

“Better believe it, goat boy,” Discord spat, before he retrieved another helium balloon from behind his back. “Want a balloon to make you feel better?”

Almond Butter couldn’t concentrate on her lunch—a nice daisy sandwich with hay fries and a pop. Too many things just didn’t make sense—too many things just didn’t add up. Eventually, she couldn’t take it anymore.

“The Princesses were both in the hospital a short time ago, right?” she asked another coworker in Tartarus’ cramped break room. “Due to some heart issues or something?”

Her coworker thought on that, chewing on his own lunch. “That’s what I heard, although they might’ve just been telling a fib so they could do something else in private.”

Almond Butter nodded. “I guess. I mean, the Princesses don’t have to explain everything they do… it’s just I never expected her and Discord to go hunting for ex-kings and then personally deliver them to Tartarus themselves. I thought her job revolved around paperwork, mostly.”

Her coworker chuckled lightly. “Look on the bright side, Almond. Having Sombra here? Means at least two inmates to look after; things were getting kinda stale around here, wouldn’t you agree?”

Almond Butter nodded sluggishly. “Yeah. Could be interesting. Speaking of inmates, I’d better go and check on Tirek—make sure he isn’t trying anything silly again.”

“You worry too much, Almond,” her coworker told her. “But, go ahead, knock yourself out.”

Upon returning to her desk from the break room, Almond Butter hitched in a breath before swallowing thickly. Connected to her desk was a panel of twelve different lights, all with numbers below them; numbers “ONE” through “ELEVEN” glowed green, while number “TWELVE” flashed an ominous red. It meant that Tirek’s restrains had been removed.

“Oh, fiddlesticks…” she whispered, before she slammed her hoof on the “PANIC” button at the end of the panel. A second later, all of Tartarus was filled with an immense blaring sound that ponies had to shout over to be heard.

A middle-aged stallion in silver armor bolted out a side door and came to a halt by her side. “Who?” he growled at her.

“Tirek…” she replied, before more bits and pieces started falling into horrible place, “and maybe Discord, too… and King Sombra somehow…”

The stallion guard furrowed his brows. “What? You’re not making sense. How—”

But his sentence was cut short as Almond Butter directed his attention towards the waiting area, where every last one of the patiently waiting ponies erupted into green flames and reappeared as hidden changeling drones. The next moment, they were flying from their seats and diving at whichever pony was closest to them, hissing and spitting saliva as they went.

“And it looks like Queen Chrysalis is with them, too,” Almond Butter finished miserably, before she started scurrying for a good place to hide.

“Discord I can understand perfectly,” Tirek spoke more-or-less to himself, as the group made their way opposite his cell along another winding path. “He’d join anyone, so long as they’d laugh at his jokes or wouldn’t grow tired of his ways too soon. Chrysalis, sure—Bad Dude may remind you of your own children; one in need of help and support. Myself… well, what other options did I have? Besides rotting away both physically and mentally in a prison all by myself? But, you—you surprise me.”

Sombra stopped mid-march to whirl around and bare his fangs at Tirek. He snapped his teeth to add to the effect. “Speak your mind, Tirek, before I open your skull and see what answers lie within. Are you curious why I would side with someone like Bad Dude? Only a mere colt in your eyes?”

Tirek nodded with a smirk. “I think most of Equestria would be interested, actually.”

Sombra narrowed his eyes at him. “If truth be told, I see a bit of myself in him. He is cunning and headstrong… and he knows what he wants, be that global takeover or cookies dipped in milk. He is my apprentice and has the same understanding of capes that I do: that they’re one-hundred percent awesome. And most importantly, he has done what none of us have been able to do before—take out both Princesses at once. Bad Dude holds far more talent than his cute exterior would suggest.”

“Aw! Thanks, Sombra!” Bad Dude yelled, wrapping his tiny self around one of Sombra’s legs. “Capes are awesome, huh? I remember I even did an essay on them once: ‘Five Reasons Having A Cape Is Better Than Not Having A Cape’. Number four was because you could take a nap whenever you felt like it, because capes are kinda like blankets you wear all day long!”

Sombra absently patted Bad Dude’s head while not taking his eyes off of Tirek.

Tirek only continued to grin. “Cute colt. I only ponder aloud in case anyone is thinking of betraying him. He has already told me what he is capable of should I slight him in the future… sadly, I can’t help but wonder just what a former child slaver and executioner is capable of. Won’t become tempted to turn Bad Dude into just another slave once the Crystal Empire belongs to you again, my King?”

Sombra lowered to the ground and growled deep within his throat.

After seeing this, Bad Dude hurried in-between them to hold a hoof out to each of them. “Now stop it, you two!” he squeaked. “You’ve just met, so there’s no reason you two should be fighting!”

Sombra glanced at Bad Dude quickly. “Sure you still want him on the team, Bad Dude? We could escort him right back to his cell—”

“It seems clear he’s already trying to rile us up,” Chrysalis cut in. “I don’t mind. Makes things more interesting, honestly, but it’s obvious what he’s trying to do.”

Shaking his head from side to side, Tirek began to laugh. “I’ve only been with this group for a scant few minutes and already there is tension. Villains as friends?” He looked down at Bad Dude with sympathy. “You have your work cut out for you, my young friend.”

Bad Dude frowned at him. “And here I made you a ‘Getting Out Of Tartarus’ cake and everything! Just for making Sombra mad, you only get one slice now! And not a slice with extra frosting, either!”

Discord held a hand to his forehead. “Bad Dude, don’t be cruel!”

“And you don’t even know the real King Sombra at all!” Bad Dude continued on triumphantly. “He might seem scary and mean when you look at him, but he’s actually really thoughtful and caring once you get to know him. And he’s fluffy, too! Why… me and Sombra even slept together once!”

All of the inner caverns of Tartarus became deathly silent at that moment. Tirek, Discord, and Chrysalis all turned to Sombra, whose face had instantly become pale and frozen in place. Slowly, Sombra’s pupils drifted to the ground and to the black abyss below, almost as if contemplating if it would be best to leap to his death to save himself from trying to explain himself out of this.

With his claws, Discord pinched the bridge of his nose. “Slavery and murder is one thing, Sombra, but…” He sighed. “You’re giving villainy a real bad name here, you know that?”

Sombra pointed at Bad Dude with a hoof. “He said he was cold!”

“Such a likely story,” Discord said. “Dear diary, my cave was extra cold today, but no worries, Bad Dude was there!”

Chrysalis moaned beside Tirek. “It’s obvious Bad Dude only meant that they took a nap together. Jeeze! Does everything need to become sexualized with this group?”

Discord giggled and pulled on his beard. “I dunno—it’s been fun so far.”

Rolling her eyes, Chrysalis shoved past everyone to continue down the path. Not a minute later did the echoing clashes of hundreds of plates of armor drift towards them. It sounded like fifty or more stallion guards.

“Any ideas?” Chrysalis asked them lightly.

Discord glanced down at Bad Dude. “I might have one.”

General Sharp Sword nervously jittered in his armor—a bead of sweat trickling from his temple all the way to his neck. It was moments like these that he was glad most of his body was concealed by his armor; behind him marched another sixty guards all looking to him to lead them on to victory. And if any one of them could see their fearless leader now? Sweating and shaking like a leaf?

Sharp Sword exhaled slowly to try and steady himself.

This was bad. Really bad.

Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, Tirek… any one of those would’ve been bad enough, but all four at once? How? And perhaps most importantly: why? Why were all of them together in one location? Were they working together somehow? Rather than try and tear each other apart like the ruthless monsters that they were?

Something was definitely rotten in the magical land of Equestria.

Before entering the more open part of Tartarus, Sharp Sword turned to face his battalion. He gulped dryly before telling them all, “I know it might seem bad. I know it might seem really bad, once you start to think about it and break things down a bit. I mean, a group of semi-trained guards against four of the most ruthless villains in the land, but I know if we just… if we, uh…”

Sharp Sword had no idea where he was going with that.

One of his battalion raised a hoof. “Work together?”

“Yes!” Sharp Sword exclaimed. “That! A whole bunch of that! A double-helping of that! And if we make it out of this alive… just know that I’m treating every single one of you to something out of the break room vending machine!”

His battalion murmured their complete lack of enthusiasm, right before the same guard that raised his hoof earlier used that same hoof to point behind Sharp Sword. “Sir! Oh, Celestia no! They’ve got a hostage! And it’s just a little colt!”

Sharp Sword whirled around and his mouth dropped.

Across the narrow rock bridge, Discord, Queen Chrysalis, King Sombra, and Tirek stood—a small grey colt held up by the scruff of his neck in Discord’s sharp claws. The colt was currently dangling above the blackened abyss, writhing around and attempting to shake loose.

“Help!” the poor child yelled. “Someone help! I’m scared!”

Sharp Sword leveled his sharp sword in Discord’s direction. “Let go of him, you fiend!”

In response, Discord giggled wildly. “Very poor choice of words, wouldn’t you agree?” Then, like a hoofball player pitching a ball, Discord swung the colt over his head before tossing him Sharp Sword’s way.

Instinctively, Sharp Sword leapt off one of his cohort’s armored backs and propelled himself into the air to catch the soaring colt in one leg. Crashing back down to the rock path, the colt dried the tears from his eyes and gave the general a warm smile.

“Thanks, mister!” he said brightly. “That’s a cool helmet. Could I try it on?”

Sharp Sword returned the smile, before he undid his helmet and hoofed it on over to him. If it made the poor colt feel a bit better after his ordeal, he’d do anything he wanted him to.

“You okay, kid?” asked another guard, as a half-dozen other guards surrounded the small colt.

“You bet!” the colt answered, before he plunked Sharp Sword’s helmet over his head until it nearly covered half of his face. It was so big on him it ended up slanting to one side.

“Aw! Say, that’s pretty cute,” the same guard said with a big, goofy grin.

The colt tried readjusting the helmet to little effect. He exclaimed with a squeak in his voice, “When I grow up, I wanna be a part of the Royal Guard just like you guys!”

Now all six of the guards let out a round of Awwwww!

When the colt began to pretend to have a sword fight with an invisible enemy (complete with accompanying sound effects), two of the surrounding guards gripped at their chests while they stumbled backwards and fell into the black abyss below.

By that point in time, Sharp Sword had been driven to his knees, grimacing at the pain in his chest. He and the wife had always talked about having a foal—and in his heart of hearts he’d always hoped for a colt that would someday become a guard just like his dad. This… this was way too adorable to even handle anymore.

The colt came forward to deliver the finishing blow, nuzzling his face into the general’s chest. “Don’t you think I’d make a good guard some day?” he asked softly, as Sharp Sword sluggishly slumped to the ground, every trace of fight removed from him.

The next moment, Queen Chrysalis took to the air above them, allowing the small colt to climb onto her back before they both departed. Chrysalis stuck out her tongue to the fallen guard.

Sharp Sword could hear the hurried hooves of his remaining guards rushing towards him.

One of them flipped him over and stared at him panicked. “Oh, sir! No! Not you, too!” Tears were welling in his eyes. “And to think… only sixteen years from retirement!”

Sharp Sword grunted at the idiot. “I’m not dying, Blunt Blade! I’m just hurt! Go get the rest of the guards and try and corner them or something. And make sure…” He had to think clearly about what he wanted to say next. “Make sure you steer clear of that colt that’s with them—something’s not right with that kid. He’s cute. Too cute. You hear me?”

Blunt Blade nodded down at him. “Anything else, sir?”

“Yes,” Sharp Sword barked out. “Avenge me, damn it! Avenge me!”

Sadly, Sharp Sword never ended up being properly avenged that day. Instead, the Coalition of United Terrible Evils had close to a field day with what guards remained inside of Tartarus. After Bad Dude performed his “Cute Grenade” for the first time ever, King Sombra was let loose to disperse into a cloud of silky darkness that literally knocked guards down left and right and sent them screaming into the abyss below.

Discord had his own brand of fun—rearranging the bits of Tartarus that he was able to to try and confuse and annoy the guards Sombra had left untouched. During this time, Bad Dude and Chrysalis stayed behind and had a nice chat about herbal teas and if Tic, Tac, and Toe were doing all right distracting Bad Dude’s parents while he was there. Tirek, as everyone had presumed, stayed behind the rest of the group to watch everything unfold—a tiny glint in his eyes indicating he was enjoyed it all more than he thought he might.

Once on the other side of “THE BIG SLIDE OF UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT”, Sombra pieced himself together again and chuckled richly. “I am almost disappointed how easy this all is. We were worried about this place? Why?”

“Maybe because of that,” Chrysalis informed him dryly, her sight in the direction of the hundreds of surrounding guards and accompanying creatures. Swords, spears, shield, and horns were all squared in their direction. Even Cerberus, the immense guard dog of Tartarus, had been woken up to try and put a stop to them.

Discord scratched at his cheek. “I recognize some of these guards from Canterlot. Reinforcements already? You think they flew here or were teleported on over? That would almost be cheap if they just teleported here.”

The lead guard held a bullhorn to his mouth, keeping himself several dozen meters away from their group. “Release the prisoner to us! Then surrender yourselves! You are completely surrounded here! Every exit has been blocked and sealed! Chrysalis’ drones have dispersed and fled! There can be no victory for you here!”

Discord turned to the rest of his group. “He sure is a party pooper, isn’t he?”

The stallion with the bullhorn continued. “And that goes double for you, young stallion. We have been warned about you. What is your name?”

Bad Dude went to stand in front of Discord. “My name is Bad Dude! And this is the Coalition of United Terrible Evils! So beware us, okay?”

The stallion furrowed his brows. “C.U.T.E? Your group’s called C.U.T.E?”

Bad Dude was at a loss for words at that. He turned to Discord and the rest. “I didn’t know that!”

Tirek snorted in the back. “Was I the only one that pieced that together before now?”

“So what’s the plan?” Sombra grunted. “We can take them. Can’t we?”

“Perhaps,” Chrysalis answered calmly, “but I would hate to be stopped during our first mission as a group. Complete success sounds so much better than near defeat, if you catch my drift.”

Discord nodded. “We could always hand over Tirek and see if they’ll let the rest of us go.”

“No, we’re not!” Bad Dude told him loudly. “And I know just what we can do!” He held out a leg towards the furthest Tartarus test door—the one labeled, “THE VOID OF NEVER-ENDING TORMENT”. “They’d never follow us in there, right?”

“True,” Chrysalis replied. “Doesn’t sound all that pleasant, though.”

Sombra grinned at her. “Afraid of a little torment, my Queen?”

She wrinkled her nose at him. “I’ve already been your roommate for the last few days. Isn’t that torment enough?”

“I don’t know,” Discord admitted, clear worry on his face, “my ex-girlfriend used to live in that realm. I think she might’ve ruled over the whole place, actually. I’d rather not see her again.”

Sombra glared at him. “You mean you know your way around that world and for some reason you failed to mention that until now?”

Discord thought on that. “But she was so weird. Like… really weird.”

“Well, still sounds better than another lifetime in a cell. Until next time…” Tirek uttered quietly, before he pushed past them all and stepped through the doorway.

One collective shrug later, the rest of the group did the same, falling away into the most psychedelic plane of space they’d ever been before. Bad Dude was happy to note that Discord’s ex-girlfriend wasn’t as scary as she’d been made out to be.

Honestly, he just thought she looked like a giant, hovering mound of gooey spaghetti.

Author's Notes:

Three part question for this story's oddly creative readers:

1. Food for Trixie.
2. Food for Luna.
3. Group name for a new team of superheroes. (Opposite of C.U.T.E., if you catch my drift.)

Argh. What's with all these long chapters suddenly?

The Mundane Adventures Of Tic, Tac, And Toe (Short)

In a fit of childish joy, Bad Dude hopped onto his bed and immediately began to bounce up and down. Once the Bad Dude beside the bed noticed of Bad Dude’s fun activity, he soon climbed up to join him and started bouncing in a rhythm that closely matched his brother’s.

Meanwhile, the Bad Dude spread out on the carpeted floor with his head in a comic book rolled his eyes at the other two frolicking Bad Dudes. “We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile, remember?” he hissed at both of them, in a voice that was very, very different from any normal pony’s. In fact, it sounded closer to a series of harsh snaps and pops than actual words.

Of course, that was because all three Bad Dudes in the room were actually changelings in disguise—allowing the real Bad Dude all the time and space he needed to spring Tirek out of Tartarus alongside his group of likeminded villains.

Honestly, Tic, Tac, and Toe couldn’t have been happier with the task given to them.

Toe’s words did little to put a stop to Tic and Tac’s fun up on the bed. When Tic landed next to Tac, Tac was propelled upwards by the tiniest of degrees. When he landed again, he sent Tic upwards as high as he could; Tic was visibly laughing but no noise was coming out from his mouth.

Without turning to Toe, Tic told him earnestly, “But our pods aren’t this soft and springy! This is way more fun than dusting bookshelves! Admit it!”

Toe sighed on the carpet, then shoved the comic book away from him. He’d been hoping for at least one changeling character important to the plot… even a comedic side-character would’ve been enough, he thought.

Returning Bad Dude’s comic book to its shelf, Toe spotted an art book down below. As carefully as he could, he pried it out and spread the cover open. In his odd changeling voice, he gasped aloud.

“There are drawings of Queen Chrysalis in here!” Toe informed the other two, who immediately stopped bouncing on the bed to come join him. “And she’s not alone!”

Collectively, all three of them inhaled in surprise—which was relatively cute, as all three looked just like Bad Dude at the moment.

“Is that…” Tac began uneasily, “…is that Sombra next to the Queen?”

Tic grimaced. “Could be… but what’s he doing with his mouth so close to hers? Is he trying to extract love from her, you think?”

Toe turned to his brothers. “Should we warn the Queen about Bad Dude’s plans?”

Tac chuckled soundlessly. “Maybe it would be more merciful to warn Sombra, instead.”

All three of them laughed without noise, wiping small tears from their eyes. When they settled down, Tac waved a hoof in the air. “I only kid—I love our Queen.”

“Sweet Glaze? How are you feeling, honey? I thought I heard some noise up here.”

Bad Dude’s mother was outside the door.

At once, Tic, Tac, and Toe's eyes shot open and they scrambled around on the carpet. As Tic attempted to slide under the covers on the bed, Toe roughly pulled him away.

“You already had your turn!” he whispered to him fiercely. “I’m the only one that hasn’t had one yet!”

Sighing angrily, Tic scampered off the bed and joined Tac inside the closet, leaving the door open ajar so they could see inside the room. With both of them gone, Toe hurriedly climbed atop the bed and pulled the covers up to his neck, angling his head to the side on the bed’s extra-large pillow.

He shut his eyes the moment Bad Dude’s mother entered the room.

“Still sleeping?” she asked softly, stepping inside the room to sit on the edge of his bed. She laid the back of her hoof against his forehead. “Such a bad case of strep throat—good thing you came home right away from school and didn’t get any of your other classmates sick.”

Sluggishly, Toe opened his eyes and smiled up at her.

Bad Dude’s mother rubbed at his mane with her hoof. “You’re such a good boy, Sweet Glaze. I don’t think I tell you that enough. Given any thought about what you’d like for your birthday next week, hmm?”

Toe shook his head and pretended to yawn.

Bad Dude’s mother giggled. “What a silly thing to do—asking someone with strep throat a whole bunch of questions… I mean—” She cut her sentence short as she spotted something in the room. She stared in the direction of Bad Dude’s study desk pressed against the wall. “Since when did you have a Crystal Empire snow globe, sweetie? Did one of your classmates get it for you?”

Toe gave a shrug and wrapped his hooves around the leg lightly ruffling his mane. Even from the simple touch, he could taste the nourishing love between Bad Dude’s mother and her son.

“Oh…” Bad Dude’s mother’s voice softened. “And another Sombra toy… didn’t we just go over you playing villains and heroes, Sweet Glaze?”

In response, Toe pulled on her hoof while extending his lower lip. He whimpered as best he could like any normal pony.

Bad Dude’s mother sighed. “Here I go asking questions again. You finish the soup I brought you?” Taking a quick glance at Bad Dude’s bedside table, she must’ve noted that not a single ounce of soup had been removed from the bowl. Changeling’s digestive systems weren’t created for normal food… or not much of it, at least. “Not hungry?”

Toe shook his head against his pillow, before pointing to the large poster tacked above the bed—one of a giant cruller on a plate. Bad Dude hadn’t had been joking when he said it was his favorite donut in the whole, wide world.

Bad Dude’s mother raised a brow. “You want a cruller? Now?”

Toe nodded eagerly. He could still remember how sweet and delicious that nibble of pastry was all those long weeks ago when Bad Dude visited Chrysalis’ hive. Even just looking at the poster above him made him lick at his lips.

Bad Dude’s mother shook her head. “I don’t think so, Sweet Glaze. Not when you’re sick like this.” She thought about that for a moment. “Okay, a few spoonfuls of soup and then I’ll think about it. All right? Sound fair?”

First furrowing his brows, Toe eventually agreed, carefully using his hooves to bring the bowl of soup up to his lips. Slurping up as little of the broth into his mouth as possible, he kept it there without swallowing.

“There’s a good colt,” Bad Dude’s mother told him warmly, scooping him up with her hooves for a hug while rubbing at his back.

Toe’s eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head; it was such sweet ecstasy—the love he tasted at that moment was sweeter than even a whole bowl of strawberries dipped in sugar. As he nuzzled into her neck, he found Tic and Tac glaring at him miserably from the confines of the closet. He stuck out his tongue at them as they continued to fume. They already had their turns.

When Bad Dude’s mother released him, Toe held out his hooves to her in a pleading gesture.

Bad Dude’s mother laughed gently. “Aren’t you just the most affectionate little guy today? Fine, one last kiss and then you better get your rest.”

Before departing the room, she gave him a quick peck on the forehead and pulled his blankets up to his neck. Then she snapped the door shut behind her before trotting back down the hall.

Tic and Tac exited the closet soon after.

“Now what?” Tac asked annoyingly.

Without pause, Toe spit out the bit of soup in his mouth before pointing to the poster of the giant cruller above the bed.

One colt sneaking around was hard enough—sneaking around as three identical colts that weren’t supposed to be out of bed proved to be even harder.

“Do you even know where you’re going?” Tic spoke, as they travelled single-file down the hallway outside Bad Dude’s room.

Toe whirled around with a frown. “No, but do you?”

Tic’s silence said enough.

Although all three of them had been inside Bad Dude’s bedroom before (when he wanted to show them some of his toys or interesting random doodads), they’d never ventured any further than that. Outside of Bad Dude’s room was a hallway that led to a downwards staircase. From what they could see, one side of the downstairs area was a type of living and dining room, while the other side opened up into a small functioning bakery and café.

Toe lifted his nose into the air, smelling the robust scent of ground coffee beans and the lighter aroma of sugary and greasy batches of dough. It was clear what direction they had to go—towards the small bakery to the left.

Turning his head, Toe gave a signal to the other two to stay behind while he sneaked down the stairs. By the midway point, he hitched in a breath as Bad Dude’s father—Donut Joe—trotted out from the bakery and sailed into the kitchen on the other side of the stairs, giving a yawn while rubbing at his eyes. He must not have noticed Toe in the slightest, because all three of them could hear him grabbing something from a cabinet.

Toe looked up the stairs again. There’d be no better time than now.

“Let’s move!” he exclaimed, before the three Bad Dude copies scuttled down the stairs before hurrying into the bakery.

Upon entering the open, sunny bakery storefront, they first took notice of the glass display case ahead—perfect so as not to be seen from the costumers on the other side. Next, their greedy, little eyes were directed to what lay inside the display case.

Toe’s mouth flopped open and a drop of saliva fell to the floor.

On serving trays inside were stacks of donuts and pastries of all types, sizes, and designs: apple fritters, wagon wheels, honey dips, chocolate covered rings, long johns, jam filled delights, glazed twists, vanilla donuts with sprinkles, maple bars, parasprite dough balls, coconut topped snowballs, Ursa Minor bear paws… and, of course, a whole mound of fresh, glazed-covered crullers.

With jittery hooves, Toe carefully slid open the door to the display case, reaching up to get a good grip on the tray he’d spotted the crullers on. Yet it soon became clear he was just too short for the job—or Bad Dude was, anyways.

“Quick! Give me a boost!” he asked the other two, who immediately hurried on over to lift him up.

Slowly and painfully, Toe managed to wiggle the tray enough to slide it towards him. Any moment now and he’d be able to grab at them… devour them whole and lick the sugary residue off his hooves… any second now—

“Sweet Glaze?”

Tic and Tac dropped Toe to the floor the moment Donut Joe reentered the bakery. Balanced on one hoof was a cup of coffee he must’ve brought back with him from the kitchen.

All three copies of Bad Dude stared at him as he set down his coffee and blinked a few times, seemingly trying to bring the sight in front of him into focus. When that didn’t seem to do the trick, he instead closed his eyes and rubbed a hoof into each eye socket.

As he opened his eyes again, Donut Joe exhaled in relief. “That was weird! For a moment there, I thought I was almost seeing three of you, Sweet Glaze. Maybe my shop’s coffee is too weak…”

Toe, hidden behind an open bag of flour on the floor, tried his best to remain out of sight. Across the bakery, he could see Tic attempting to do the same, curled up into a ball and tucked away in the bottom part of a shelf full of ingredients bins.

Only Tac remained out in the open—his cheeks burning a bright crimson color.

Donut Joe knelt down to him and placed a hoof on his shoulder. “You snuck out of bed to come get a donut, didn’t you?”

Tac nodded faintly.

“Did your mother say it was okay?”

Tac nodded again, but with less enthusiasm.

Donut Joe chuckled. “Well, whether or not she did, you came quite a long way to get one… so here you go. I know they’re your favorite.” He grabbed a fresh cruller from the open case and hoofed it over to him.

Tac grabbed it with a silent gasp and wrapped himself around Donut Joe’s middle.

Donut Joe patted his head. “It’s all good, sport. You eat your donut, then get back to bed. It makes a stallion proud when his son loves his donuts as much as he does, didn’t you know?”

Tac left the bakery and waited by the foot of the stairs for the other two. Eventually, they managed to slip away when Donut Joe got into a heated argument with a customer about if pie or cake was the greatest dessert of them all. As Donut Joe exclaimed: “That should be easy!”

Shutting Bad Dude’s bedroom door behind them, Toe unveiled the best surprise of all—another two crullers to add to Tac’s lone one, meaning all three of them got one to call their own.

For a moment, they each held the golden donuts above their heads before clinking them together like glasses of champagne. Eight seconds later, all three donuts had been wholly consumed.

Fourteen hours later, Tic, Tac, and Toe were still in bed inside Discord’s flying fortress, all with the worst stomach aches of their lives.

Still, completely worth it.

Author's Notes:

Something a little different this time around; after two large chapters, a short one sounded nice.

If I ever do this again (short, one-shot like chapters), I'll label it with a "(Short)" so you can skip it if you wish. I doubt they'll have much impact on the larger story.

Hope to have the next regular chapter out soon!

Meanwhile! At Castle Friendship!

Twilight Sparkle stared at the newspaper below her without uttering a word. Spread across its front page was a black-and-white image of workers and staff rushing out of Tartarus’ dark recesses and onto the grassy field outside. The headline read: “BAD DUDE STRIKES AGAIN!” The subtitle below that stated in bold text: “Several dozen Tartarus employees injured and left in hospital—hundreds of others left startled and mildly confused”.

With numb hooves, Twilight shoved the paper away from her and absently drank some of the tea she’d made for herself earlier. One sip later, she realized she’d been staring at the newspaper for so long, her tea had already become cold.

She sighed glumly. She’d just gotten a new book in the mail that day, too. “The Art of Sucking: A Comprehensive History of Vacuum Cleaner Models”. Now she had a rather strong notion she wouldn’t end up getting a chance to read a single fascinating word of it until sometime later.

Twilight had always found vacuum cleaners rather fascinating. Terrifying, but fascinating all the same.

“I just heard the news, darling!” Rarity chirped from the entrance of Twilight’s meeting room deep inside her castle. “How unsettling this all is!”

Twilight spun around to face her friend. “Thank Celestia you’re here, Rarity. I really wasn’t sure how fast everyone would get here after I had Spike light up the Friendship Signal.”

Up in the sky, high above Twilight Sparkle’s castle was the bright image of a purple star. Only minutes prior had Twilight asked Spike to climb up onto their roof and set fire to the stack of logs underneath the stained-glass frame that made up the massive signal.

Rarity took a seat next to Twilight around her table, giving a sigh. “So unsettling! Do you have any idea how hard it was to get extra capes in stock at the very last minute? My word, I think I was close to pulling out my mane trying to track down what I could.”

Twilight raised a sharp brow. “Capes? You’re worried about capes?”

“Why, yes,” Rarity answered with a nod. “Didn’t you know? Since that Tartarus incident, cape sales have gone up a full fourteen percent. Fourteen percent, Twilight! I can see it now, already—next year’s number one Nightmare Night costume among young colts! Bad Dude!”

Twilight visibly ground her teeth. “One thing we do not want is foals thinking what Bad Dude is doing is somehow cool! He obviously…” Twilight had to think on that. “He obviously just doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I just can’t see someone that young wanting to be a real life villain out of nowhere. There just has to be more to it than what we’re seeing here.”

“I’ll tell ya what I’m seeing here!” Applejack announced from the doorway, bookended by both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, hovering and bouncing by her sides. Fluttershy, huddled close to the ground, remained behind the three of them out in the hallway.

Applejack stormed into the room ahead of the rest of them. “A colt in serious need of a spanking! Nothing too harsh—only enough so he’s learnt a lesson. Shoulda’ done that right after he had his little visit with the Princesses, honestly.”

“But it’s not as simple as that, Applejack,” Twilight tried to explain, as they all took their seats around the table. “No one besides Princess Celestia, Luna, and a couple of guards even had a chance to talk with Bad Dude before he disappeared. And it was only after he left and promised not to be a villain anymore that the Princesses became ill.”

Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof at Twilight. “So let me get this straight. There’s a colt out there called Bad Dude and he hurts other ponies simply by being cute?”

Twilight nodded. “It may have started by accident, but now given this Tartarus incident, I’m more than certain Bad Dude’s learnt what he can and cannot do… or is in the process of it.”

Rainbow Dash crossed her hooves over her chest. “Still don’t buy it. Fluttershy’s cute, but she’s not going around giving ponies heart problems just by being that way.”

“I saw Bad Dude once!” Pinkie Pie trumpeted, holding a hoof in the air.

“And was he cute?” Rainbow Dash asked dryly.

Pinkie Pie’s eyes rolled upwards and she suddenly appeared on the verge of drooling. “Oh… yeah… he was so cute! I mean… imagine three full-sized Fluttershys squished down to half their normal size and then sprinkled with sugar!”

Applejack grimaced. “Since when was Bad Dude covered in sugar? I never heard about that. They leave that out of the papers or something?”

“Not with real sugar, Applejack!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “Imagination sugar! It makes just about everything you could possibly imagine even sweeter than usual!”

Gingerly, Twilight tapped a hoof against the table. “Getting back on track for a moment…” She took a moment to lick her lips and found them oddly dry. “I won’t sugarcoat it, girls—or imagination sugarcoat it, either—if what this paper says is true, then that means that somehow all of our major past enemies are now working together, including Discord.”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Discord helped get Tirek out of Tartarus, too? Really? I mean… I’m not surprised Discord decided to go bad again—I think most of us were about to give it another year at most—but, Discord actually forgiving Tirek? Something’s not right about that.”

“I agree, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight spoke solemnly, “which is why I think Bad Dude might end up being the biggest source of our possible troubles.” She pushed her chair away from the table to walk to a blackboard attached to the wall. On it was an immense chart full of various labels and graphs—even a few worrying statistics near its bottom. “If I can direct your attention to this chart I made.”

Applejack sighed aloud. “Another chart, Twilight? Is it really necessary here?”

“Oh, this?” Twilight replied. “This is actually Chart 2.0. The first chart was way too complicated, so I had to simplify things down a bit, but I guess I had to, otherwise—”

“Maybe you want to hurry up a bit, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash cut in bluntly. “You know, before Bad Dude decides to blow up a volcano or something while we’re all sitting here going over charts?”

Twilight’s cheeks reddened a bit as she roughly cleared her throat. “As I was saying before: make a list of all our past villains and what stands out about them? They all work more or less alone. Discord, Queen Chrysalis and her hive, King Sombra, Tirek after he betrayed Discord. But now a new villain comes along—an up and coming villain named Bad Dude that just so happens to ‘accidentally’ incapacitate both of Equestria’s leaders—and suddenly they’re all working together, side by side? What has changed here? What is different now?”

“They’ve discovered that their hatred for us overwhelms their possible hatred for each other?” Rarity suggested hopefully.

“Not quite,” Twilight answered calmly. “One word: friendship.”

Four of the seated mares exhaled in anguish. All besides the more-or-less motionless Fluttershy.

“Oh, please don’t go on another longwinded friendship speech!” Rainbow Dash begged. “We get it already! We’re friends! Friends work together and help each other! Just because you’re the ‘Princess of Friendship’ doesn’t mean you gotta talk about friendship every single day!”

“And yet no one mentions Applejack’s apple obsession…” Twilight grumbled to no one in particular.

Applejack’s ears perked up. “Someone say something about apples over there?”

“Anyways,” Twilight started again, “what’s become clear is that Bad Dude is using the same friendship lessons that you and I all hold dear to create his own team of super villains.” She looked downcast for a moment. “And although it had always been my plan to show our opposition the true power of friendship at some point in the coming years… it seems obvious that Bad Dude is doing it just fine on his own. The downside being they’ve all become friends that share one unifying goal.”

“Well…” Rarity began delicately, “are we certain that that goal of theirs is bad for us? So they’ve formed a little group and got Tirek out of Tartarus? Maybe Bad Dude and them just wanted him free so they could… oh, I don’t know, all go to the beach or something?”

One of Applejack’s eyebrows rose so high it disappeared underneath her mane. “King Sombra and Queen Chrysalis frolicking at the beach? What fantasy world you living in, Rarity?”

“I’m only making conversation, Applejack” Rarity scoffed. “Maybe try looking on the bright side of things every once in a while? Hmm?”

Still standing before her chart, Twilight gravely shook her head at them. “There’s more elements at play here, I’m afraid. I’ve recently talked with Shining Armor and Cadence and have learned that just a few days ago the crystal statue of Spike was destroyed far beyond repair.” She chewed on her tongue. “I still haven’t told Spike about it, actually. He even talks about traveling to the Crystal Empire just to polish it sometimes.”

“An accident, perhaps?” Rarity suggested, with a smile already on the verge of cracking.

“There was a colt found near the scene when it happened,” Twilight continued, “and a dark stallion in a cloak that traveled around with him. Ponies remember the pair asking around the city for a tailor and only buying a single glass of lemonade each during their visit—highly unusual behavior, from what Shining Armor tells me.” She paused, almost hesitating having to explain further. “That same tailor they were searching for was found injured that day… and enough materials were used up from his shop to create at least two brand new capes.”

“So Sombra’s already attacked someone?” Rainbow Dash asked alarmed.

“The tailor had massive chest pains alongside heavy bouts of squeeing throughout his hospitalization… meaning he’d start sounding like a boiling teakettle randomly, and that anything even remotely cute had to be segregated away from him.”

“So…” Rainbow Dash cocked a brow, “it was Bad Dude’s work, then?”

Twilight gave a nod. “Afraid so. Close to the same effects as what the Princesses had. That means that Bad Dude was in the Crystal Empire. That also means King Sombra was there, too, and that has myself thinking he’s not done with his old empire. Not by a long shot.”

Hurriedly flapping her wings, Rainbow Dash shot into the air and pretended to punch at someone in front of her. “Easy! Then we just march on over to the Crystal Empire and kick all their flanks the moment they try and take it back! We could even bring all the guards in Canterlot with us! It would be a cakewalk!”

“But you’re not seeing the bigger picture here, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight warned her. “If we put everyone we have in the Empire, then we end up spreading ourselves out too thin. What if they attack Canterlot instead? What if they do something we have no hope of even defending against? With Discord on their team, the question of just what they might do next becomes exponentially more difficult.” She turned to Fluttershy to gently ask, “I know this must be hard for you, Fluttershy, given that Discord was your friend and all… but did he say anything about this group before? Or about this colt named Bad Dude?”

Hidden behind a wide lock of mane, Fluttershy wouldn’t look up from the table. When all eyes in the room descended upon her, she blushed heavily and her mouth became as thin as a pencil line.

“I… might’ve…” she spoke in a voice so small it was only due to Twilight’s castle’s excellent acoustics that anyone was able to hear it at all, “…spent an afternoon with him.”

“With Discord?” Twilight nudged her along.

“With Discord… and Bad Dude, too…”

Most mares around the table gasped. Not Fluttershy, though, who only became even more crimson in the face than before.

“They were both with you?” Rainbow Dash asked, perhaps a bit too forcefully.

Fluttershy’s eyes watered. “I didn’t know Discord’s new friend was Bad Dude! I just thought…” She hitched in a small breath. “I just thought Discord was making new friends and I wanted to help. And he was just… so cute! Too cute! Cute enough that all I wanted to do was shove freshly baked cookies down his throat and love him and kiss him and squeeze him and call him—”

“We get it!” Applejack interrupted. “He’s a cute, little sh—” She caught herself. “He’s a cute, little sweetie. Nuff said. Anything you can remember that could help us out, though, sugarcube?”

“He said his name was Sugary Topping,” Fluttershy eventually answered evenly, “and I’m pretty sure he likes to bake, because he made Discord and I such wonderful treats and snacks during our picnic.”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes bulged from their sockets. “He makes treats and snacks!?” She whirled around to pounce on Fluttershy. “Any idea if they’re still hiring, huh? I could do evil! Sure, I could! Just deflate the mane a bit and—”

“Oh, no you don’t,” Applejack told her adamantly. “Bad Dude’s group already has Discord; they don’t need another physics breaker on their team.”

Twilight tapped a hoof on her chin. “Sugary Topping? Too simple to be real. Must be an alias of his. That means Bad Dude’s clever… or as clever as a colt his age could be.”

In a blur of light-blue wind, Rainbow Dash zipped to Twilight’s side. “All this talk about terrible things that could happen and things that we don’t even know! I’m sick of it! So tell us, Twilight! What can we do? Right here! Right now!”

Twilight pursed her lips, then shut her eyes.

“We need to make sure they don’t get their hooves on anymore possible villains.”

The Great and Powerful Trixie’s latest show ended with more of a whimper than a bang. Although the show technically did end with a bang—when a loud cannon shot out several pounds worth of multi-colored confetti over the crowd—the cheers that followed it paled in comparison to the noise of the explosion itself.

This might’ve been because Twilight and her friends were basically the only ponies in attendance, besides a couple that walked out after the first ten minutes and a filly asleep on her mother’s lap.

Regardless, the moment Trixie’s final magical act came to an end, Twilight and the rest of her cohorts applauded as thunderous as their hooves would allow. Twilight even kicked Rainbow Dash in the side when she caught her not applauding alongside the rest of them.

Up on the stage, Trixie narrowed her eyes in the bright spotlight shining onto her. “Thank you! Thank you all!” she bellowed out, before taking a bow. When the applause just kept on rolling in, her expression of joy turned to one of mild curiosity. She brought a hoof to her lips to whistle. “House lights, please! Trixie wishes to see her wonderful audience face to face!”

One click! noise later and Twilight and her friends were uncovered in the show tent that served as Trixie’s venue. As their group’s applause faded away, so did Trixie’s original glee. Now she stood shooting daggers at all six of them.

“Trixie should have known you’d come around eventually,” she growled, before she lifted her chin up high and trotted behind the large curtain at the back of the stage.

“I can’t tell,” Rarity whispered to no one in particular, “but is this going well? I don’t think it is.”

Twilight sighed. “Come on. Let’s go talk to her, at least.”

Since no one was actually running the venue besides Trixie and her horn, Twilight and the rest of them were able to slip inside the back with no interference whatsoever. When they entered, they found Trixie at a glamour mirror with her trademark hat hanging on her chair. She ran a damp cloth around her eyes, removing the faint amount of makeup she had on.

“Did Trixie say you could come back here?” she asked them coldly.

“Uhh… not exactly,” Twilight started awkwardly, “but we just had to tell you how much we enjoyed your show!”

Using her aura, Trixie ran a hairbrush across her sweat-drenched mane. “Is that so?”

Twilight kicked Rainbow Dash again.

“Oh… right!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Like when that card disappeared from your hoof and then… came back! I was all like, ‘Did you see that?’ and then everyone was like, ‘Yes, we did,’ and then I realized how dumb that question was because we were all watching the same thing at the exact same time.”

Rarity stepped forward. “And I liked that trick where you leapt through that ring of fire! That first time you did it was simply wonderful! Maybe not so much the next twelve times, though.”

Fluttershy giggled to herself. “My favorite part was when that cute cockroach popped out of your hat near the end.”

Trixie grunted. “That wasn’t part of the act; Trixie didn’t get to clean her costume as much as she would’ve liked while on the road.”

“Well,” Twilight continued on gamely, “just thought we’d come back here and tell you how much we all enjoyed the show, so—”

Laughing wildly, Trixie leapt from her seat to stare at them, a sharp grin curling her lips. “Trixie knows exactly why you’re here, Princess Twilight; don’t think her to be a fool. This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain Bad Dude making his mark upon the world, now would it?”

Twilight and the rest of them feigned ignorance. “What? Who’s that? Never heard of that name before.” She lifted her shoulders. “Can’t Twilight and her girl pals just catch a show featuring their very good friend Trixie?”

Trixie’s smirk widened. “Since when were Twilight and Trixie ever friends?”

“Since the last time we hung out, obviously!” Twilight replied weakly. “You know… that whole necklace business in Ponyville?”

“So the answer to Trixie’s question is: not in years?” Trixie asked snidely, beginning to pace around in front of them. “Not once in all that time did Trixie get a single invitation from any of you: no lunch dates; no grand galas to attend; no friendship problems to solve; no great, big dragons to battle. Trixie was free, girls. She could’ve enjoyed a nice slumber party inside of Twilight’s new castle at any ol’ time.”

Twilight held a hoof to her. “But you still could! We all could! Doesn’t a sleepover sound fun everyone?”

The group nodded along sluggishly.

“Too bad!” Trixie erupted. “You missed your opportunity, Twilight! As did the rest of you! Well,” she stopped to tip Pinkie Pie a wink, “you’re all right, Trixie guesses. Trixie believes you’ve seen more of her shows than even her own parents have.”

“I have!” Pinkie Pie readily agreed with a grin. “Because they always manage to get worse and by this point I don’t know how that’s possible anymore!”

Trixie sighed. “Trixie will forget that slight against her. Her future is looking more bright and beautiful with each passing second!”

Rainbow Dash flew up to Trixie to tap her on the nose. “Let’s cut the crap, Trixie! Did Bad Dude come to talk to you or not?”

Trixie flashed her a grin. “He did. He even brought me tiramisu for some reason. He said it was going to either be that or tapioca or truffles or tarts. Either way, it was quite nummy.”

“Do we get any points for bringing you a fruit basket, then?” asked Applejack, as she set down a large, wicker basket loaded with fresh produce before her.

“Too late, yet again,” Trixie replied, directing their attention toward the other side of the room, where a basket big enough to hold six ponies loomed. Inside of it were various fruits each the size of beach balls. A shiny apple near the front looked as if it was recently dipped in gold.

Applejack growled at it. “I don’t trust ‘em. Those apples ain’t natural, I tell yeah!”

“What else have they promised you?” Rarity asked Trixie cautiously.

Trixie’s eyes slowly drifted towards Twilight again. “Why… only Twilight’s very own castle, once everything is said and done. Hope you don’t mind it when Trixie redecorates the place once you’re gone, Twilight. Hope you like purple.”

Twilight tightly clenched her jaws. “I happen to love purple! I am purple for Celestia’s sake!”

Trixie had to think on that—some of the wind evidentially knocked out of her metaphorical sails. Still, she perked up when something else came to mind.

She presented Twilight with a new, slimy smile. “You’re scared, aren’t you, Princess? This is new to you—a colt using the magic of friendship against you.” She paused for a moment to add to the moment. “Truth be told, Trixie has made no promises to anyone, although Bad Dude has proven to be more than persuasive. Just this afternoon Trixie gave him an adorable belly rub that she would now consider as the second greatest moment of her life.”

“What’s the first moment?” Applejack asked.

Trixie chuckled. “Why… only her birth. Not only did it benefit Trixie, but did it not also benefit all of Equestria, as well? The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t always think about herself, you know.”

Rainbow Dash pulled at her eyelids. “AJ! Why’d you set her up like that?”

Applejack shrugged. “How was I going to know she’d say something so pigheaded?”

Twilight stomped a hoof in front of Trixie. “All right! Enough of this! Are you planning on joining Bad Dude’s group or not? Or in other terms: do we need to worry about you doing something bad to us in the future? Other than relentless showboating, I mean?”

For a brief moment, Trixie only stood her ground and glared at her. Eventually, she told Twilight quietly, “Trixie would rather see you sweat it out, so that means no answers for you, Princess Twilight. Although the thought of all your castle’s toilets suddenly becoming clogged fills Trixie with an odd amount of glee.”

Applejack furrowed her brows. “If you took over Twilight’s castle and were living there, why would you hope all the toilets get clogged? That only means that you’d need to deal with them.”

Trixie had to think about that. “Trixie means… she was only saying that… oh, whatever! Trixie is done here!”

The next moment, Trixie threw a silver ball against the ground that exploded into a mound of grey smoke. When the smoke finally dissipated, Twilight and the others found Trixie back in the chair before her mirror, eyelash curler held up in her aura.

Trixie rolled her eyes at them. “Isn’t that enough of a hint to leave? Trixie wasn’t just about to run away from her own backstage area, thank you very much.”

So, with rejected fruit basket in hoof, Twilight and her friends left Trixie’s tent even more dejected than when they’d first entered it. And, perhaps worst of all, Twilight found that Trixie had been right about something for once.

Twilight was scared.

Author's Notes:

Back with the heroes of this story next chapter! You know... the murderous villains...

Why are you reading this? You know how this ends!

That Darn, Mean Green Bean

Bad Dude took his time deciding on what color he wanted to fill in his cape with. He’d already doodled and colored in most of his latest “Bad Dude” drawing and had left the cape portion for last. In this particular drawing, Bad Dude was soaring over the edge of what looked like a castle wall as a giant fireball crashed into the stone just behind him, obliterating most of it. As Bad Dude would’ve called it—an “action shot”.

Bad Dude pursed his lips, going over his limited set of Crayons.

“Brandeis blue?” he mused to himself. “Or azure? Maybe palatinate? Hmm. Don’t think I’ve used cornflower blue before.”

Then he quickly remembered his set of eight Crayons had only a single shade of blue, before he shrugged and retrieved it with his teeth anyways. As he shaded in the remainder of his cape, he hummed to himself and tried his best to ignore the happily laughing and playing foals around him.

Mrs. Cheerilee’s class had been let out ten minutes ago for recess and all Bad Dude had wanted to do the moment he could was sit under the nearest tree and draw. He had C.U.T.E.’s newest mission on the brain and, for the life of him, couldn’t stop from thinking about it.

Until someone’s shadow covered his nearly-finished drawing.

“What you doing, Sweet Glaze?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Coloring again?”

Bad Dude gave her an absent nod and continued coloring in his cape.

“Can I see?” she asked lightly.

When Bad Dude didn’t reply right away, Sweetie Belle sat down beside him and then continued to lean over his work. Out of the corner of his vision, Bad Dude could see her lips thin as she gave a little squeak.

“Why are you drawing him?” Sweetie Belle questioned him harshly. “That colt’s causing nothing but trouble for my sister and her friends. They’re all worried he’s going to do something terrible soon.”

Bad Dude had to be careful in hiding his grin from her. “I happen to like Bad Dude. I… think he’s cool. Super cool, even.”

Sweetie Belle furrowed her brows. “Bad Dude’s a villain, Sweet Glaze. Villains aren’t supposed to be cool. That’s why villains never have friends—because no one wants to be around them for very long. You should be drawing someone like… like the Power Ponies!”

A tad irritated, Bad Dude spit his crayon to the grass and turned to her. “Villains can too have friends… the trouble is making them first. It also happens to help if you share the same activities—like laughing really loud.” He seemed to brighten as he thought about that. “Did you know on average villains spend twelve percent of their day laughing? I made a pie chart about villain day plans if you ever wanted to see it.”

But by that point in their conversation, Sweetie Belle had become more interested in his drawing than him. Using her horn, she levitated his sketchbook and held it in front of her.

She frowned at it. “Say… Bad Dude looks a lot like you, doesn’t he?”

To add to the effect, she even held the drawing next to Bad Dude’s head as his cheeks flushed.

“Nu-uh!” he exclaimed with watertight defense. “We don’t look anything alike! And, he’s like… a whole six inches taller than me! And cool!”

Sweetie Belle narrowed her gaze and scratched at her cheek. “I don’t know…”

“Well… don’t forget that… uhh…” Bad Dude tried searching for something—anything—to add to his defense. Then it struck him like a bolt of pure sapphire-blue lightning. “But Bad Dude wears a cape! I don’t even have one!”

“But you could have one,” Sweetie Belle interjected. “Maybe in a closet somewhere.”

“Nope!” Bad Dude trumpeted. “No capes in my closet! Only… bows! Yes! Lots and lots of bows! Boy, do I love me some bows! Yes, I do!”

Sweetie Belle raised a curious brow. “All right, Sweet Glaze. I didn’t mean to get you all worked up about it. I was only thinking out loud—like maybe Bad Dude was a cousin of yours or something.” She paused for a moment. “Also… don’t tell Apple Bloom about your bow collection. That’s kind of her thing.”

Bad Dude gave a hurried nod and snatched his sketchbook back, laying it down next to the tree trunk beside him.

“Still,” Sweetie Belle continued thoughtfully, “I just wish someone would put a stop to him already. I feel so bad for Rarity and all of her friends. If only there was something Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and I could do to help them out.” She gasped as her eyes flew open and she stood up abruptly.

“What is it?” Bad Dude asked her.

“I just got a great idea!” Sweetie Belle explained, before she failed to explain anything. “I've got to go see Rarity about this! I only hope she has enough fabric!”

As Sweetie Belle ran across the playground and rejoined her group of friends, Bad Dude let out a soft sigh. As relieved as he was for not having his secret identity found out about, something about what Sweetie Belle had said still filled him with worry.

Sadly, that ball of worry would soon be turned to anger as he turned to grab his sketchbook, only to find a muddy hoof-print at the very center of his latest Bad Dude drawing.

“Hey!” Bad Dude shouted, his voice cracking around the edges. “Who did this!?”

A guttural chuckle made Bad Dude look up and his pupils shrink.

“Thought I’d try and improve on it, Short Glaze,” said Green Bean, the green colt with a thick patch of mane covering both of his eyes; his mouth continuously hanging limp as if always thinking about something funny… but not that funny, mind you. “You really should be thanking me.”

“I worked hard on that drawing!” Bad Dude told him, charging to his hooves. “Why do you gotta keep on ruining my stuff, Green Bean?”

Green Bean chuckled again. “Because it’s fun… and because you’re weird. Haven’t you noticed how much nobody likes you around here? I bet you have more drawings of friends than actual friends.”

Bad Dude stomped a hoof. “I do too have friends! A whole bunch of them!”

“Then they must be invisible,” Green Bean spat back at him. “Let me guess. Is Bad Dude one of your friends, too? Is that why you spend all your time drawing him, Short Glaze?”

Bad Dude exhaled roughly. “My name is Sweet Glaze! Short Glaze doesn’t even make sense! How can glaze be short? And can’t you think of more than at least one insult, Green Bean?”

Green Bean pursed his lips and pondered on that. Eventually, he answered with another guttural chuckle. “I don’t have to think of any new nicknames… Shortest Glaze! I’m clever. Even my mom says so.” A mischievous grin slowly ate up his muzzle. “Say, isn’t it your birthday soon?”

Originally mad, Bad Dude’s temper waned as he had to look away from him. “No… my birthday was last month… you missed it…”

Green Bean shook his head and held onto his smile. “Nah! I remember the date all too well. Either this week or next week—it just has to be. Wasn’t it last year that you invited the whole class to your birthday and not a single one of them showed up?”

“I… no… it—” Bad Dude muttered out, trying his best to find the right words. His cheeks began to burn a bright crimson.

“I bet since your dad’s a baker,” Green Bean cut in, “he must’ve made a bunch of cakes and pies and everything. How many did you have to throw out when no one bothered to come?”

Bad Dude frowned as he felt his eyes start to shimmer. “None! Because I didn’t even have a party last year!”

Green Bean snorted. “Yes, you did. You gave all your invitations to Mrs. Cheerilee to hand out in class—too bad everyone had enough sense to stay home instead. Why would anyone want to waste time on you, Sour Glaze?” He stopped himself. “Hey! I like that one! You like that one, Sour Glaze?”

Instead of answering, Bad Dude merely stared at his hooves and tried to keep his tears at bay.

“Serves you right,” Green Bean continued on thickly, “all you ever talk about is villains and giant battles and super heroes and all that crap. Who cares? It makes you sound weird. That presentation on ‘Chaos Theory’ last week? I don’t even think Mrs. Cheerilee was able to stay awake for that one!”

Bad Dude sniffled quietly. “I happen to know someone very knowledgeable on Chaos Theory…”

Green Bean waved a hoof. “Whatever—can’t wait until this year’s birthday party totally fails on you. Have a good one, Spit Glaze!” He gasped. “Oh, man! I’m on fire! I gotta go write some of these down!”

With that said, Green Bean trotted off to record his latest batch of insults, leaving Bad Dude to slump to the ground and hug his sketchpad close to his chest. A moment after, he looked over his now ruined Bad Dude drawing and didn’t bother trying to save it from the tears that soon began dotting the page.

Bad Dude knew he hadn’t cried at school because Green Bean had been mean to him. Green Bean was mean to everyone besides the few older classmates that made up his little pack of troublemakers. No. It was something far worse that had made Bad Dude cry at school—the fact that Green Bean had actually been right about something for once.

Bad Dude actually didn’t have any friends.

Last year, Bad Dude had personally written out each and every invitation to every last one of his school mates—including a specialized one to Sweetie Belle that even had a little drawing of her inside of it. So, the week before his birthday, he gave his invitations to Mrs. Cheerilee to hand out during the day and not a single one of them came to his house the following week. Bad Dude could still remember the day he brought the invitations to school.

Green Bean had been told to stay inside during recess after pulling on Scootaloo’s mane and making fun of the way it was cut. Bad Dude went outside and played with everyone else, all while Green Bean had to stay inside and write lines on the board. Bad Dude could still recall his tall stack of invitations on the edge of Mrs. Cheerilee’s desk as he trotted out the door…

Bad Dude kept his head down as he got back home. The moment he entered, he could already hear his mother in the kitchen, strolling from the counter to the table and back.

“That you, Sweet Glaze?” she cooed to him.

Bad Dude grunted his response and immediately headed for the stairs.

His mother stopped him from the landing. “How was school today?”

“Fine,” he answered bluntly.

“Learn anything new and exciting?”

“How much I hate vegetables.”

“Oh?” His mother furrowed her brows. “Odd curriculum this year, I guess. You given any thought on what you want for your birthday yet?”

“I don’t want anything…” Bad Dude mumbled miserably. “I don’t want a birthday at all.”

Bad Dude’s mother pursed her lips. “Honey… I know that last year…”

“I’ll be playing in my closet,” Bad Dude told her, continuing up the stairs. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

His mother held a hoof to her chest. “Okay… just come out of the closet when you’re ready, all right, Sweet Glaze? Preferably before dinner. We’re having vegetable stew tonight!”

As tasty as his mother’s patented vegetable stew always was, Bad Dude only wanted to be somewhere else other than his home at the moment—be someone else at the moment, too. And luckily he could do just that.

“I think he looks cute,” Chrysalis explained evenly, her eyes narrowed in the slightest of degrees.

At that, Discord loudly grunted and rolled his eyes. “Then I believe your sense of cute must be broken. Or severely damaged, at least.”

A loud snore made them both look forward, where King Sombra was peacefully spread out on one of the fortress’ thick couches. He was so deeply asleep, his tongue had lolled out of his mouth and a trail of drool had already stained the piece of furniture he was on.

Discord pulled on his beard. “He sure sleeps a lot, doesn’t he?”

“Not like there’s much going on at the moment,” Chrysalis replied. “Plus… he might still be saving up his strength.”

Discord angled his head towards her. “Oh, sure. That must be what all cats are doing during their daily eighteen hour naps—saving their strength. Sombra’s a freeloader, plain and simple.”

Chrysalis shot him a look. “We’re expected to pay rent in this place?”

“Hmm.” Discord thought on that. “No, just Tirek. But I’ll be kind. He can pay for his room and board through punches to the face. What say you? Lion’s paw or eagle’s claw? Or should I instead stick his head in my armpit after my morning jog?”

Chrysalis shook her head. “Not once have I ever seen you exercise here.”

Stoically, Discord closed his eyes. “If it means pissing Tirek off, I’d do anything no matter how much it pained me—even mild exercise.” He opened his eyes again and flashed a devilish grin. “You want to play Sombra Stack?”

“I…” Chrysalis began. “What? Sombra has a game all his own now? Where’s my board game?”

Discord rolled his eyes. “It’s not a board game. I just made it up. Sombra Stack is where we see how many things we can stack on top of Sombra before he wakes up. I bet we could reach the ceiling before he even rolls over.”

Chrysalis took a tentative glance towards the ceiling. “That’s like… two stories tall.”

Discord wrapped an elastic arm around her shoulders to pull her in close. “Never played Jenga before, Chryssi? Or are you only afraid of losing?”

One moment of deliberation later, they began to Sombra Stack.

“I need another throw pillow up here,” Chrysalis called down from near the ceiling, hovering in the air with her paper-thin wings.

Down below, Discord tossed up another polka dot pillow that Tac caught midway before bringing it up to Chrysalis. Biting the tip of her tongue, Chrysalis added the latest item atop the pile and waited to see if it would all collapse to the ground. Thankfully, it only wavered a tad.

Discord held a hand to the side of his mouth. “How much more, Chryssi?”

Chrysalis did a rough estimate of how much further it was to the ceiling. “Two feet, give or take.”

Discord nodded a single time. “We can do this.”

King Sombra had all been covered and then recovered and perhaps even covered a third time. Underneath the meters of pillows and couch cushions, tables and chairs, dishes and fine china, vases and paintings, desks and lamps, the incredibly faint sound of his continued snores could still be heard. By this point in time, Discord thought Sombra could be blown up by the power of love all over again and still somehow continue to sleep soundly—even in pieces.

Chrysalis flew back down to the ground. “What else we got?”

“Uhh…” Discord gave the living room a quick look over. “Hmm. Not much—might have to grab some more stuff from the games room. Think the pile could handle another pinball machine?”

Just as Chrysalis and Discord turned in the direction of the games room, Tirek entered the scene and stared at the tower of randomness with a bemused expression.

He crossed his arms over his chest. “This is supposed to be a house of villainy and carnage, is it not?”

“Only on Wednesdays,” Discord rebuked, this jaw already pulled tight.

Tirek pointed at the base of the tower. “Sombra’s under there?”

Chrysalis gave a nod. “We’re trying to reach the ceiling.”

Using his thin fingers, Tirek pinched the bridge of his nose. “So juvenile. A unicorn asleep on the couch and the first thought that crosses both of your minds is to pile stuff on top of him. Did no one think of placing one of his hooves in warm water?”

Discord roughly ground his teeth. “I happen to like that couch, goat boy, so hold your tongue.”

Tirek waved a hand at that. “More useless banter—this fortress is full of it. I want to discuss my current living quarters, Discord.”

“Again?” Discord snapped. “First the washroom wasn’t good enough for you… then the roof wasn’t good enough for you…”

“And now this room isn’t good enough for me, either,” Tirek interjected. “It’s empty. Literally empty. It’s a brick room with no windows or furniture. I thought my cell back in Tartarus was bad!”

Discord chuckled dryly. “I was only trying to make it match your personality, Tirek. As in… you don’t have one.”

Tirek slumped his shoulders. “I’m surrounded by children,” he muttered to himself.

A quiet trot noise pulled at all their attentions; Bad Dude had exited from his secret closet entrance and wordlessly went to one of the armchairs in the room. Once seated, he leaned against the back of the chair and stared at nothing in particular.

“Finally!” Tirek trumpeted. “Someone with the ability to hold a normal conversation. Greetings again, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude sighed. “Hi, Tirek.”

Tirek’s original glee fell away from him as he appeared puzzled. He pressed a finger to his mouth.

Chrysalis knelt down beside Bad Dude’s chair. “Tic, Tac, and Toe were asking earlier if you wanted to play a game of tag again soon. They even promised not to use their wings this time. Could be fun, right?”

Absently, Bad Dude rubbed his hooves together. “Maybe later.”

Chrysalis set a hoof on Bad Dude’s shoulder. “Is something wrong, Bad Dude?”

Without answering, Bad Dude shook his head, even as his chin quivered a bit.

“Are you sure?” Chrysalis implored gently. “If something’s the matter, I’m sure we can help.”

Bad Dude sniffled again, his eyes watering. “But I’m Bad Dude now… and nothing bad happens to Bad Dude. Bad Dude is awesome and goes on adventures and has a whole bunch of…” He let his sentence trail off.

Chrysalis stared at him openly. “Then did something bad happen to Sweet Glaze today, perhaps?”

After hitching in a single breath, Bad Dude answered her glumly. “Yes…”

“And what was that?”

Chin trembling and eyes full of tears, Bad Dude eventually told her, “This mean colt at my school… he ruined a picture of mine and said I had no friends… all because… all because no one came to my birthday party last year…” His face hardened for a moment. “But that’s fine! I hate birthdays! And I never want to have one again! All it means is you’re getting older! And who wants to get older, anyways?”

As Chrysalis scooped him up into her forelegs and rubbed his back, Discord cautiously took a step towards them. “This… colt wouldn’t happen to have a name, would he, Bad Dude?”

With tear-stained cheeks, Bad Dude pried his head from Chrysalis’ shoulder. “Green Bean! Everyone only does what he wants because he’s bigger than them! But I won’t! I hate him! I wish he would just leave me alone!”

Discord furrowed his brows. “A kid named Green Bean who’s mean? Since when did we all get trapped in a storybook?”

Chrysalis shot daggers at him. “Now is not the time for jokes, Discord; especially unfunny ones.”

Discord shook his head. “Oh, come now. That was at least a six out of ten. Right, Tirek?”

“I’ll give you a four,” Tirek answered bitterly, keeping a keen eye on the conversation happening before him.

After Chrysalis dried Bad Dude’s cheeks with a hoof, she asked, “Would a root beer float make you feel a little better, Bad Dude?”

Bad Dude nodded. “I guess.”

Chrysalis whistled sharply. “Children! Escort Bad Dude to the kitchen and prepare him a large root beer float… and whatever else he might be craving.”

Tic, Tac, and Toe did as they were bid, traveling with Bad Dude up the hallway towards the kitchen area. While they traveled, Tic took on the form of Bad Dude and began bouncing by his side, trying to get a reaction out of him. Bad Dude took no notice of this and Tic eventually turned to his other two brothers confused.

Once well out of sight and sound, Chrysalis spread her wings out and slammed a hoof onto the armchair where Bad Dude had just been sitting, leaving it in pieces. Her eyes were burning a bright venomous green.

“How could someone make that poor child cry!” she fumed loudly. “It just makes me sick! Hurting Bad Dude like that!”

The latest of Sombra’s snores was cut short as the tower of pillows and accessories covering him jittered a bit. The next moment, every part of the giant stack of randomness was blown against the walls by a wide ball of expanding red energy. Most fell to the floor either sizzling or completely blackened and torn asunder.

Sombra stood up on the couch and shot smoke out of his nostrils. “Who dares hurt Prince Bad Dude!? Who!? I promise, I’ll have their guts on a platter!”

Discord pursed his lips, eyeing up the flaming wreckage all around the room. “Afraid you just destroyed all our good platters, actually, Sombra.”

Sombra visibly ground his teeth together, somehow emitting sparks off of them. “Then their guts on a normal plate! I don’t care! I want vengeance! I want retribution! Now, damn it! Now!”

Discord cocked a thick brow at him. “You really want to go out and hurt a colt the same age as Bad Dude?”

“Of course!” Sombra answered earnestly. “Didn’t you just hear me screaming about it?”

Discord giggled. “Only making sure we’re on the same page here.”

That was when Discord cast his red-and-yellow eyes towards Chrysalis, who caught his stare and returned it with the faintest of nods. Once Discord nodded back, he turned his attention towards Sombra, who flashed him his sharp fangs before purple smoke began lazily drifting from his eyes. Lastly, Sombra focused his piercing red-and-green glare at Chrysalis, who followed that up with a one-sided smirk.

Still standing by himself in the corner of the room, Tirek watched this all unfold, not exactly knowing what to make out of it. “Why is no one saying anything?” he asked. “Why is everyone staring at each other? I’m still new here, so… is this, like, some secret code or something? Hello? Am I talking to myself now? It feels like I’m talking to myself.”

That was when all three other sets of eyes fell onto Tirek and he took a hurried step back.

Then he laughed. “Oh. We’re up to no good. Now I get it.”

Author's Notes:

Don't worry. I'm sure Green Bean will be just fine.

He's a main character, after all, isn't he? Oh, he's not?

Oops...

Lemon Tarts With Luna

Princess Luna woke up with a jolt and immediately felt cold. In her small hospital bed she shivered, before turning her head to gaze out the window. Hours ago, she’d used what magic she still had left in reserve to place the moon in its correct location, before giving it a little shove to move throughout the night without her control.

Seeing that things had remained in their correct location as she slept, Luna sighed and busied herself by staring around her small hospital room. One cot-sized bed. One side table. One closet. Her sister had a room exactly the same size—the rooms they’d both been stuck in ever since their brief encounter with the super villain known as Bad Dude. Originally, the hospital staff had placed them both in large and lavish rooms during their stay, but Celestia thought it best to keep them in room less obvious to the possible opposition.

It made sense. With both rulers of Equestria injured and bedridden, it left the world far less protected than anyone had wanted. Thankfully, that was all about to change.

“Soon…” Luna breathed, pulling her thin covers up to her chin.

For days now, she’d been feeling well enough to walk; strong enough to move the moon like she used to without even getting winded. The worst of Bad Dude’s mysterious effects around her chest and ribs had mostly subsided and now she was only left with a dull ache in her joints.

Perhaps what pained Luna worst of all was being stuck in bed for so long. Most of all, it made her restless. She liked the night sky with all its twinkling stars. She liked to spent time amongst her sister and her friends. She even liked the many climatic clashes with the forces of evil that her position in Equestria allowed her from time to time.

She found nothing made her feel more alive than the sound of sword smashing against shield, or even the faint smell of fresh sweat inside her armor.

Luna smirked just thinking about it. She knew she was tough—tougher than her sister at least. So tough, that—

“Eeep!” Luna squeaked quietly, when she noticed a mysterious round shape underneath her bed sheets.

No larger than a beach ball, the shape started at the edge of her bed before it started moving onwards. As it hurried towards her, she could feel its soft fur brush against her several times.

In shock, Luna pressed her head against her headrest and thought about the worst things that could possibly be crawling around in her bed sheets. And then it turned out to be the worst possible one of them all.

“Hi, Princess Luna!” Bad Dude declared happily, when he stuck his head out of the bed sheets around her chest. “I’m Bad Dude! Remember me?”

By that point in time, Luna’s eyes had become as wide as dinner plates. “Yes… I am afraid I do remember you. All too well.”

Bad Dude looked surprised. “Oh! That’s great!” He then marched to the side of her bed to lay down beside her, turning his head on her pillow to look up at her. He smiled. “When I came in your room, I saw you shivering, so I thought I’d try and warm you up. Do you want me to see if I can get another blanket for you somewhere?”

In response, Luna gulped dryly and kept a wary few inches between them. She absently noted the new stylized cape on his back. “Have you come to finish the job, then? Destroy Princess Luna with your adorable ways until there is nothing left of her?”

Bad Dude almost looked hurt by that. “What? Why would I do that? I wanted to see if you were getting better. I even brought you some gifts.”

He motioned towards her bedside table, where a helium balloon with the text “GET WELL SOON!” had been placed. Next to it was a series of small dishes covered in plastic wrap and a jug full of ice cubes swimming in liquid.

Luna cocked a cautious brow. “What sort of food did you bring here?”

Bad Dude thought on that. “Oh, you know. Lemon tarts, licorice, lemon poppy seed muffins, and a great big pitcher of ice-cold lemonade to wash it all down with!”

Luna smirked. “I believe I am noticing a theme here.”

Bad Dude appeared puzzled. “They all contain way too much sugar?”

Luna had to shake her head at all this. It was all way too weird. She’d been asleep and still weakened by his original attack; Bad Dude or any one of his group could’ve taken her out with relative ease. That was when another more urgent notion pulled at her.

“There were at least two dozen guards outside this room,” she spoke bluntly, “how could you have brought all this to me without them knowing about it?”

“Oh, that.” Bad Dude giggled lightly. “Discord snapped them all to one of his sealed bouncy castles on the lawn. Don’t worry, though; I already tested it. It’s actually a lot of fun!”

Luna pursed her lips in irritation. “Glad to know my guards will be having fun while their princess remains unprotected.” She shut her eyes for a second. “If Discord is here, then that must mean the rest of your group is here, too. Is this an attack, then, Bad Dude? Have you brought these snacks along as a means for us to admit defeat easier?”

Bad Dude shook his head and slid an inch towards her on the bed. “No, it’s just me here. I’ve wanted to give you a visit for a while, but was having trouble convincing Discord to drop me off. It worked out well, though! Discord and Sombra and all of them said they were really busy tonight. They said they had to give some pony a personal tour of Heck and they said it might take them a while.”

Pressing his head into her pillow, Bad Dude grinned warmly. “That’s really nice of them, isn’t it? Showing someone new around that doesn’t know the area? Although, I really have no idea where Heck even is…”

In the back of her mind, Luna made a mental note to inform the residents of “Heck” to get the heck out of town… if “Heck” was even a place to begin with.

Having had her bed covers pulled away from her, Luna couldn’t help but visibly shiver. Quickly taking notice, Bad Dude sidled the last few inches towards her, wrapping himself around her middle and instantly becoming a makeshift heater.

Luna winced as her heart gave a lurch. “You sure you have not come here to kill me?”

She felt him shake his head against her chest. “Sorry, I’ll try being less cute now.”

Finding herself enjoying the little ball of warmth known as Bad Dude pressed against her, Luna eventually caved and wrapped a foreleg around his shoulders.

This was still so weird to her. He was a villain—an admitted villain that had already hurt ponies and was already planning on doing it again—so why did all she want to do was hold him tight until the morning sun peaked through her window?

“You know,” Luna whispered to him, “if the rest of your group is away… what is stopping me from defeating you myself, right this very moment? I could call for my sister in the next room—or the Elements of Harmony to come help. I am sure our combined strength would be enough to stop the almighty Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude sighed into her coat. “Probably. That’s why Discord said he’d snap me back the moment they got back from Heck. I also brought along my whistle.”

Bad Dude pried his head from her to show off a silver whistle attached to a chain around his neck.

He smiled. “Discord gave me this and said if I ever got into trouble, I should use it.”

Luna narrowed her eyes at him. “And have you used it yet?”

“No. I haven’t needed to.”

“Are you sure a creature such as Discord would even come to your aid?”

Bad Dude nodded hurriedly. “Sure he would! Me and Discord are like super good friends!”

Luna remained silent for a moment as she looked Bad Dude over. Once she was done, she had to shake her head and sigh. “Why are you doing this, Bad Dude? You claim to be a villain, but you do not act like any one I have ever met before. I see no malice in you. It is truly your desire to rule over all of Equestria?”

Some of Bad Dude’s original cheeriness slipped away from him as he didn’t meet her eyes for the first time. “As long as I’m doing it with my friends.”

“These villains are not your friends, Bad Dude. At best, you are a means to an end to them. Do you not have ponies your own age to call friends? Normal friends?”

Laughing uneasily, Bad Dude pushed away from her and climbed off the bed to the floor. Once there, he strolled to her bedside table and used a nearby chair in order to reach its top.

He turned to her. “You want a glass of lemonade? It’s really good! I promise!”

Luna smiled lightly. “Not poisonous, I hope.”

Bad Dude frowned. “It’s not that sour!”

Luna rolled her eyes at that. “I was only jesting, Bad Dude. The Princess of the Night can also make whimsy.”

“Really?” Bad Dude furrowed his brows. “I had no idea.”

Bad Dude poured out a tall glass before he stuck a wedge of lemon on the brim, then he poured a second glass and hoofed the first over to her. A tad apprehensive, Luna still accepted it; taking a sip and nodding her approval. She even took a moment to glance over the table of L-word desserts.

She asked him openly, “You sure you were not meant to be a professional chef of some sort instead of villain, Bad Dude? It is clear you have a talent for it.”

Bad Dude blushed a bit and looked away. “Oh, it’s nothing. I like to bake, is all. And since it makes other ponies happy, it makes me happy in turn!”

Luna nodded daintily and took another sip of her lemonade. “You really are a ‘glass half full’ type of colt, aren’t you?”

Again, Bad Dude looked at her puzzled. “Your glass is only half full? Already? But I just poured you a glass!”

With a grunt, Luna sat up in her bed and kept her lemonade near her head using her horn’s aura. Then she crossed her hooves over her chest and asked him, “So if I am not to be defeated or enslaved tonight, then why is it you are here? You would not have come all this way only to feed a princess treats.”

Awkwardly, Bad Dude scooted the chair on the floor towards her bed before climbing atop of it. Once seated, he retrieved his pack from the floor and opened it to bring out a well-worn sketchbook.

Loudly, Bad Dude cleared his throat. “As member of the Coalition of United Terrible Evils and as our number one talent scout, I have come to officially offer you a place on our team!”

Luna’s eyes bulged out of their sockets as her glass of lemonade crashed to the floor.

“Come again?” she blurted.

Bad Dude smiled with glee. “I want you on our team! And I think you’d be a perfect fit!”

“Bad Dude… I… umm…” Luna had trouble finding the right words as her brain became overloaded with odd thoughts and queer queries. Eventually, she slowly said, “I do not know why you’d think I’d join your group. I am one of the four princesses that protect this world. I fight for Equestria… not against it.”

Bad Dude only continued to smile, his tail wagging uncontrollably behind him. “But you weren’t always on the side of good. Right?”

Instantly, Luna didn’t like where this was going.

With his small hooves, Bad Dude carefully placed his sketchbook on her bed and folded it open so that it faced her. On the first page was all five members of C.U.T.E.—Bad Dude, Sombra, Chrysalis, Tirek, and Discord—with one large question mark left in the empty part of the picture.

Bad Dude pointed at the pony-sized question mark. “Now just who could go there, I wonder?” Opening the next page, he made a “grand reveal” noise and gasped. “Nightmare Moon! That’s who!”

The second page in his sketchbook contained a crude drawing of Nightmare Moon posed in a regular standing position. Black coat. Blue armor. Piercing stare. Flowing dark mane.

“Don’t tell Sombra I told you this,” Bad Dude continued gamely, “but I always thought your costume was the best one of them all. Did you put it in storage somewhere?”

Luna had to fight with herself from shoving the sketchbook away from her. “Why would I ever want to become Nightmare Moon again? She was terrible, Bad Dude. She did terrible things during her time. She is not the pony I want to be anymore.”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened. “But I didn’t even get to the good part! Look!”

The next drawing Bad Dude presented had the fully formed Nightmare Moon upper-cutting Princess Celestia into the air and headed in the direction of the sun. A speech bubble coming out of Nightmare Moon’s snarling jaws stated: “Take that, dear sister!” Another speech bubble coming out of Celestia’s mouth said: “I have now taken ‘that’ and instantly regret doing so! Noooooooooo….” with the text getting smaller and smaller as it went.

Luna blanched at the scene. “You want me to hit my sister in the face?”

Bad Dude flinched. “I’m not saying you have to, but…”

“Well,” Luna replied dryly, “I am not saying I never would—I am only clarifying your intentions.” She sighed. “Did you really think I could be tempted back to a life of villainy by a simple drawing, Bad Dude?”

“Actually, it’s a lot more than one drawing,” Bad Dude told her gingerly, flipping through the remaining dozen pages or so of intense Nightmare Moon/Celestia fighting. “But I should also mention C.U.T.E.’s outstanding membership privileges. We have a gym and a great dental plan; free food and board; every night, Discord does a one-draconequus performance in our groups’ theatre room. We even have a waffle maker!”

Luna stared at him deadpan. “What in Equestria is a waffle maker?”

“Basically, one of Chrysalis’ changelings that happens to make a lot of waffles for us.”

“Oh,” Luna said glumly. “But that still does not change my position on the matter, I am afraid.”

“Okay… I understand…” Bad Dude replied quietly, leaving his sketchbook on her bed and descending to the floor. “You can always change your mind, you know. I just thought…” He paused for a moment, staring at his hooves below him. “I just thought that… maybe you had some trouble fitting in ever since coming back from the moon… and you and I could, I dunno, not fit in together. Plus, it’s way more fun being a villain than a hero. You get to laugh more and care less. But I still understand… just let me know if you change your mind, okay? I really liked it when we snuggled together tonight and we could totally do that again if you ended up joining.”

As Bad Dude headed towards the door, Luna sat up in her bed and held a hoof out to him. “Bad Dude! Wait! You do not have to continue this! You can stop all of this at any time—you have not done anything that can’t be overlooked yet. Please, think of ending this before it becomes too late for everyone.”

Bad Dude turned to her with a half-sided grin to tell her calmly, “No, it isn’t too late. But I think it will be very, very soon.” Then he paused for a moment. “Did that come off as somewhat ominous? I hope it did, because I’ve been practicing saying ominous things. I was thinking about saying, ‘Playtime’s about to come to an end’, but decided against it because playtime’s awesome and I’d hate to ruin it for everyone. Anyways, can’t wait for our upcoming clashes together, Princess! They’re gonna be so much fun! I just know it!”

With that said, Bad Dude blew her a kiss and left Luna alone in her bed with her many gifts by her side.

As confused as she was at the present moment, one thing seemed abundantly clear to her. There was no chance she’d be sleeping anymore that night.

Author's Notes:

A shorter chapter than usual. The next should be more the norm!

Who's ready for a tour of Heck?

Walk With Me In Heck

Green Bean used a hoof to push some of the mane out of his eyes. It was sometime in the middle of the night and at that moment he was busily scribbling down important notes by the light from a candle. Ever since his inner muse happened upon the brilliant “Sour Glaze” and the like, Green Bean found he only wanted to concentrate on more nicknames and taunts to eventually direct at his fellow classmates.

“Apple… Doom?” he muttered quietly, so as not to wake his mother in the next room. That evening it was only the two of them having dinner again—Green Bean’s dad had stayed late at work that night. “Apple… Gloom? No. Wait! Apple Broom!”

Green Bean chuckled to himself, stifling the worst of the giggles with a hoof. He could already see it all in his head. He’d call Apple Bloom “Apple Broom” and the whole class would laugh at his sheer genius. Then, to add to the hilarity, he’d turn Apple Bloom upside down and use her mane to sweep the floor. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

With a sly smirk, Green Bean opened his “TAUNTS A – F” folder and deposited it into the correct slot. Tomorrow is gonna be fun, he thought coolly, before the candle on his bedside table went out.

“What the heck?” he said, before he turned to discover just who had blown it out.

Sweet Glaze was standing on the floor near his bed with a half-hearted smile on his lips. He stared up at Green Bean soundlessly, almost as if curious about what he’d do next.

“Sweet Glaze?” Green Bean gasped out. “What are you doing in my room? How’d you even—”

But his words were cut short as a second Sweet Glaze went to stand by the first, matching his pose. Wordlessly, they looked up at him.

Green Bean felt the hints of sweat on his temples. “You have a twin? Since when?”

That was when a third and fourth Sweet Glaze entered the scene, followed by half a dozen more. Now there were more Sweet Glazes than actual floor space inside Green Bean’s cramped bedroom.

Green Bean’s mouth dropped open as he looked over all the silently staring Sweet Glazes. “I’m dreaming… that’s all. I fell asleep after being so ridiculously clever and…”

At once, every Sweet Glaze on the floor shook their heads from side to side.

“Then… then what do you want?” Green Bean sputtered out, before he noticed every pair of eyes in the room look above his head. A moment later, he did the same and exhaled in surprise.

Up above him were two more Sweet Glazes, each gripping the sides of a sack as they pounced down and effortlessly sealed him inside of it.

It was only a few minutes later before Green Bean was released from the sack. Once he saw where he’d been taken to, it almost made him wish he could’ve stayed inside there the rest of the night.

All around him, a harsh wind ruffled at his mane, instantly sending a shiver down his spine. One of his back legs was being held above him by a pair of rock hard hooves, letting him dangle upside-down in the air. Green Bean had to shove the mane out of his eyes to make sure he was seeing things right, because at the moment it looked as if Ponyville and his house were now thousands of feet below him. Needless to say, it was all a long, long way down.

“Enjoying the view?” asked the one holding his leg—a rich voice that had a slight echo-like effect to it. “Take it all in while you can.”

Visibly trembling where he dangled, Green Bean painfully angled his head upwards to glimpse the pony hovering above him. Once he took sight of her, he shrieked for a good half-minute—his screams effortlessly cutting through the quiet nighttime air.

The all-black figure with the jagged horn and wispy turquoise mane grinned down at him devilishly. “By that response, I take it you already know who I am?”

Green Bean nodded spastically. “You’re Queen Sombrero! Oh, Celestia no! Please don’t stuff me full of guacamole and hang me from the ceiling like a piñata! Oh, please don’t! I don’t even like avocados! Somebody help me!”

The black figure above him shut her eyes for a moment. She said more to herself, “I guess I should’ve realized not all foals are as interested in villains as Bad Dude is.” Then she said directly to him, “I take it you’re not an honor student at your school?”

Green Bean shook his head. “I have like… four tutors—math, history, geography, art!”

The black figure raised a brow. “Art? How can you fail art? You really must be some kind of special.”

“That’s what my mom says,” Green Bean replied quietly. “That I’m special.”

“We’re really getting off track here,” the black figure told him, before she gave his leg a rough shake, making him squeak out in fright. “Have I got your attention? Good. My name is Queen Chrysalis and I happen to have a few questions for you—Sweet Glaze related questions.”

Green Bean furrowed his brows. “Spit Glaze? What does—”

That was when Chrysalis dropped him a couple inches in the air, catching his back leg a bit closer to his hoof.

She told him absently, “You really should be more careful with what you say, Green Bean. You might end up saying something so funny that I start to laugh too hard and accidentally let go of you—or maybe I’ll just do it on purpose so I can steal all your funny jokes.”

Green Bean’s eyes shot open. “Not my jokes! Don’t steal Apple Broom from me! Please!”

“I’ll try not to,” Chrysalis replied softly, twisting her hooves from side to side so Green Bean swung in the air like a pendulum. “Let’s start anew. First off: Sweet Glaze’s name is Sweet Glaze and shall remain as such. All right?”

Green Bean nodded at once, the tips of his mane already drenched in sweat.

Chrysalis smiled. “Good. Now, tell me—how can a nice, sweet little colt such as Sweet Glaze hold a birthday party that not a single pony attends? That seems rather odd, doesn’t it?”

“Not if he’s a loser,” Green Bean blurted out, before quickly realizing his mistake.

This time Chrysalis flat out dropped him a good dozen feet before grabbing onto his other back leg. She grunted as she grabbed hold of him again. “Oh, my, Green Bean! All of these hilarious jokes of yours are making you so much heavier than you have any right being. I just hope my strength doesn’t give out before our conversation comes to an end.”

Green Bean stared up at her, eyes bulging and pupils shrinking. “I didn’t know jokes could make you heavy! I can’t help it if I’m naturally hilarious!”

Again, Chrysalis said more to herself, “I don’t think four tutors is enough for you, actually.” Then, with a quick sigh and jostle of her mane, she said to him, “Different answer, please. Less funny answer.”

Green Bean couldn’t stop his chin from trembling. “Maybe no one in our class came to his party because Sweet Glaze lives in Canterlot, but for some reason goes to school in Ponyville. That’s like… two hours travel time! Nopony has that kinda time!”

Chrysalis had to think on that. “So Sweet Glaze lives in Canterlot, but goes to school in Ponyville? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, right!” Green Bean explained with a nod. “I think it’s like part of some exchange program or something. He didn’t like his other school, so he came to ours. Some unicorn teleportation system ships him to school every morning and right after.”

Chrysalis appeared to still be thinking it over. “But aren’t there other schools in Canterlot? I mean, there has to be at least more than one school he could’ve—” She stopped herself there. “You know what? That doesn’t really matter now. I asked you a question and you got me sidetracked. I don’t like that. Two hour train ride to Canterlot on a free Saturday? To attend a birthday party inside a donut shop? At least one of your classmates would’ve attended, I’m sure. So spill the beans, Green Bean! Before I spill you onto all of Ponyville!”

A single tear coursed down Green Bean’s cheek. “You’re not funny!”

Chrysalis jostled his back leg again. “Answer me!”

“I did it! I stole the invitations! All right! There!” Green Bean blubbered out, his eyes swimming in tears. “When Mrs. Cheerilee made me stay inside during recess that one day, I saw Sweet Glaze’s stack of invitations on her desk… and when she went outside to check on everyone… I took them and ripped them up. Then I told her I put them into everyone’s desks and that was it! Nobody came because nobody even knew there was a party!”

Hastily, Green Bean removed the tears from his face with a hoof and sniffled aloud. “I just… I just didn’t want to see more kids going to Sweet Glaze’s party than mine. Only my close friends showed up last time and… even my dad missed out on it because he worked late that night; I think that’s why I make so much trouble for everyone to begin with… because the only time my dad ever pays attention to me is when he’s mad at me. I think—”

Chrysalis gave his leg another jostle and stared at him deadpan. “What do you think you’re doing? Are you trying to give yourself a back story?” She shook her head at him gravely. “You don’t get a back story here. You’re a jerk, plain and simple. And now you’re being punished for being such a jerk.”

“But I’ve learned my lesson already!” Green Bean told her earnestly. “I’ll leave Sweet Glaze alone! I promise!”

“Oh, I’m sure you will,” Chrysalis spoke lightly, “because you’ll actually never see him again because you’ll be dead.”

“What!?” Green Bean screamed.

“Now where should I drop you off? The school? Your house? Town hall?”

“But I don’t wanna die!”

Chrysalis chuckled. “Just duck and roll, Green Bean. Hey, you might even survive. Believe in yourself! And, if we’re speaking openly…” She turned his attention to another section of the sky, where a thick swarm of hundreds of black insect-like creatures patiently hovered and waited. “If I wanted to be really nasty this evening, I could’ve hoofed you over to my children to be eaten alive.”

Green Bean screamed again. “Why does everything keep on getting worse for me!?”

Chrysalis smiled at him sweetly. “While love is one of our favorite things to eat, it’s definitely not all we can consume. Right now you reek of fear. Do you have any idea what fear tastes like? Sour. So right now, you’re rather close to a sour apple to us. A great big sour apple that I know my children would just love to meet.”

Green Bean shook his head frantically. “But I don’t want to meet them! I’m terrible at introductions! Honest!”

Chrysalis smirked. “That’s why I’ve decided to just let you fall from the sky—much less messy that way. And, truthfully, I’m actually being a lot kinder than I usually am. So maybe a ‘thank you’ is in order here? Hmm?”

For the longest time, Green Bean only stared at her, curious if this was all real or not. When enough time had passed, he eventually whimpered out, “Thank you?”

“You’re quite welcome.”

Then she let him go of him to fall towards the Earth.

After being let go, Green Bean shut his eyes and hugged all four of his legs tight to his chest. Perhaps if he was lucky, he could land in a wagon full of hay or in someone’s above ground swimming pool. Weirder things had happened in Ponyville before, hadn’t they?

Then out of the darkness, a mischievous voice started to speak to him.

“You just gonna remain as a ball the whole time or you gonna stand up soon? Because I have no problem kicking you around the place if you want to stay like a ball. It’s really up to you, though.”

Green Bean pried open his eyes to find a figure even worse than Queen Sombrero standing above him. Seven feet tall and made up of different animal parts, stood Discord—the draconequus that he remembered had warped Ponyville into a chaos utopia for half-a-day one time. At the moment, he was clad in a slick red-and-black suit with matching cane. His toxic red-and-yellow eyes burned in his skull as bright as a well-stoked fire.

“What… what happened?” Green Bean asked tentatively, as he shakily got to his hooves. “Where am I? And why are you here?”

Discord giggled richly. “Why you’re in Heck, of course! And I just so happen to be the ruler of Heck! Makes sense, doesn’t it? Oh, wait a minute. I hate sense. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.”

Green Bean swallowed dryly and took a moment to glance around the place he’d just found himself in. It looked like a rough tunnel made out of rock; a series of lit torches attached to the walls lit the dark scene. On either side of the tunnel were hundreds of wooden and steel doors arranged in a helter-skelter pattern.

“Where in Equestria is Heck?” Green Bean asked Discord softly. “Is it close to Ponyville? Because I really want to go—”

“Oh, no, no, no,” Discord interrupted thickly. “You’re actually a long way from Ponyville, my dear Mean Green Bean. And Heck isn’t exactly a location, but more of a state of mind.” He flashed his sharp teeth at him, each of them glinting as they caught the light from the nearby torches. “You’re dead, Sean Bean. You fell two thousand feet to the Earth and transformed into instant pudding. And so that brings you to Heck… and to me, of course.”

“I’m… dead?” Green Bean hitched in a breath as his eyes began to water. “But what about my mom? Or my dad? And who’s going to feed my goldfish if I’m dead? And I never got to use my Apple Broom taunt!”

Discord raised a bushy brow. “Apple Broom? Were you going to use her as a push broom after calling her that?”

Green Bean nodded in a pout.

Discord held his gut with a paw as he laughed loud enough to echo all the way down the tunnel. “Genius! Utter genius!” He pointed a sharp claw Green Bean’s way. “Okay, I hate you a little bit less than I originally did. Not enough to spare you what’s to come, obviously, but just enough to not kick you in the shins as I show you around. Ready for the tour? Let’s go.”

Without giving Green Bean time to respond, Discord began marching down the long tunnel, whistling a one-note tune as he went. After the torches behind Green Bean began to flicker out and cast the area in darkness, he hurriedly trotted after Discord and attempted to stay as close to his side as he could.

“Heck is a rather simple place,” Discord informed him tiredly, “as it basically runs off disappointment. For example: what’s your favorite ice cream flavor, Mr. Bean?”

“Strawberry,” Green Bean answered, still sniffling quietly.

At that, Discord sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s too bad. We just ran out of strawberry yesterday. Second favorite?”

“Chocolate?”

Discord brightened after hearing that. “Good news! We have one scoop left! And here it is!” Reaching into his suit coat pocket, Discord retrieved a perfectly round scoop of chocolate ice cream atop of a waffle cone. He then held it out to Green Bean for a brief moment, before stuffing the entire cone inside his mouth and devouring it as disgustingly as he could.

When Green Bean tried to turn away from the sight, Discord even spun his head around again so he had to keep looking at him as he licked the chocolate off his claws.

Grimacing, Green Bean asked him, “When will Heck get another shipment of ice cream in?”

“Tomorrow.”

Green Bean brightened a bit. “Really?”

“Yep,” Discord replied with a grin. “It’s only too bad that in Heck, it’s always today and never tomorrow. Starting to understand how this place works?”

“Sort of…” Green Bean muttered, before his eyes shot open with a thought. “But did I ever tell you how much I hate peanut butter and chocolate together? I sure hope you don’t have any of that lying around here.”

Discord waved his claws. “Nice try, Beano, but we’re done with that joke. And nobody hates peanut butter and chocolate together. If you did, I’d be forced to place you in an even worse location than Heck. Ever been to the land of the ice and snow before?”

Before Green Bean could think of a reply, Discord overrode him anyways.

“As soon as we’re done with the tour, I’ll have you fitted for your official Heck sweater. It’s forever itchy and always one-size too small for you. It also has a tag in the back that can’t be removed. After that, I’ll give you your lumpy Heck mattress and official Heck nighttime teddy bear.”

Green Bean appeared puzzled. “Heck has teddy bears?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t get excited about it, String Bean. Every teddy bear in Heck looks just like me and won’t stop talking even when you’re trying to sleep. Its favorite topics to talk about include socks and sandals and if it’s normal for someone to enjoy the smell of fresh sawdust.”

“Do we at least get blankets here?” Green Bean asked miserably.

“Of course you do!” Discord exclaimed. “We’re not monsters here in Heck! The only problem is that every blanket in Heck is roughly two inches too short for everyone and keeps the user at precisely two degrees warmer than they would’ve liked. Needless to say, you won’t be sleeping a lot here. But then again, that’s probably for the best! Wait until you meet your cellmate!”

“My…” Green Bean shuddered as he walked. “My cellmate?”

Discord nodded happily. “Yep! But don’t you worry your idiotic little head about anything! He’s super friendly and super nice! Why, he even vomits out cotton candy if you tickle him too much! And did I ever mention how my number one hobby was lying? Because it is! Or maybe it’s not… because I just like to lie that much!”

Discord and Green Bean stopped outside an iron door marked “DOOR”. After reading the text, Green Bean gave Discord a quizzical stare.

In response, Discord only pursed his lips and appeared irritated. “What? Heck’s funding was cut. We ran out of creativity when we got close to finishing the place up. But I digress…”

Using his lion’s paw and eagle’s claw, Discord undid the lock on the door and pushed it inwards. Inside was what looked like a long, darkened pit—at its very end were several rows of rusty bars that went all the way from the floor to the ceiling. Inside the makeshift cage was—

“No! Not King Crystal Face!” Green Bean yelled out in fright, inching away from the cell.

Still standing beside the door, Discord pulled on his beard. “What did you just call Sombra? ‘King Crystal Face’? My Celestia, that’s rich. Not as rich as that ice cream cone from before, but…” He paused to glance down at the cowering Green Bean at the other side of the tunnel. “You all right, Scream Bean? Sombra might look horrible and gross and smelly and stupid and a lot of other things on the outside, but deep, deep down he’s actually a whole lot worse than that.”

“Where is that Green Bean!?” Sombra roared from inside the pitch black room. “I will tear him limb from limb and laugh as I do so!”

Out in the tunnel, Discord went to stand beside the trembling Green Bean. “I should probably mention that Sombra’s a little pissed at you for hurting Sweet Glaze back when you were alive. Them two got some sort of bro-mance going on. But don’t fret! Even if Sombra rips you apart into a billion little pieces, you technically can’t die because you’re already dead! Isn’t that comforting news? So you’ll just be stuck in a continuous loop of pain and suffering until the universe ceases to exist anymore! But don’t you go forgetting about Heck’s trademark Taco Tuesdays, though! Sadly, it’s Monday today and tomorrow doesn’t exist here. So I guess no tacos for you after all!”

“Give him to me, Discord!” Sombra yelled from inside the darkness. “I can smell his fear from here and it smells wonderful! Give him to me! Stop this childish charade already and let us be done with him! You know this place shouldn’t be called ‘Heck’! It should be called—”

BLERT!

Before Sombra could say his next word, Discord pulled out an air horn and sounded it, effortlessly covering up Sombra’s next word.

Discord turned to the opened cell to yell at Sombra. “Remember what I said before? We can’t use those types of words, King Muttonchops! We have a rating to abide by here!”

“What!?” Sombra answered in a scream. “You talk like a fool, dragon! I can say whatever the—”

BLERT!

“—I want and if I want to—”

BLERT!

“—Green Bean’s corpse and shove my—”

BLERT!

“—into his—”

BLERT!

“—and call him a—”

BLERT!

“—and his mother a—”

BLERT!

“—while I—”

BLERT! BLERT! BLERT!

“—him all night long, then I damn well should be able to!”

Sadly, not even Discord’s air horn could mask every word of Sombra’s horrifically graphic speech. After hearing this, Green Bean collapsed to the ground and became as pale as a fresh piece of chalk.

“Could you move for a moment?”

Green Bean looked up from the floor to find a red centaur in a cloak holding a small paintbrush in his hand.

Green Bean hurriedly moaned from the sight. “No! No, more please! I’ve learned my lesson! Really! No more!”

The centaur rolled his eyes and reached over Green Bean to the door behind him. He painted a crude “DOOR” title before moving away from it.

“Not everyone has a bit, you know,” the centaur told him. “For the most part, I’m just helping with the props and window dressing. Also… I really had nothing better to do tonight.”

With that said, the centaur shuffled past him and continued down the dark tunnel, painting the same word on each door he stopped at. In was only when Discord roughly pulled Green Bean to his hooves again that he remembered just how bad a situation he was still in.

Discord grinned down at him. “Didn’t forget about us, did you? Time to meet your new best friend forever!”

Holding him by the scruff of the neck, Discord lazily tossed Green Bean inside the pitch-black cell before slamming the door shut behind him. With the door closed, Green Bean couldn’t even see the end of the room where Sombra’s cell was located.

In the all-consuming darkness, Green Bean whimpered to himself, before he heard the sound of metal being bent and broken apart near the other end of the room. A moment following that, he felt someone’s warm breath on the side of his neck.

“No amount of air horns will save you now, I’m afraid,” Sombra warned him softly, before opening his haunting red-and-green eyes and giving Green Bean a very close view of his many sharp teeth.

By the sight alone, Green Bean screamed and screamed. Then he screamed some more for good measure.

Suddenly, Green Bean felt something much different underneath his plot and stopped to check it out. It was his bed sheets, only now mysteriously completely soaked through. Looking up, Green Bean saw he was back in his bedroom—even the candle by his bed had been relit.

“It had all been a dream,” he mumbled out. “It must have. A horrible, horrible dream that—”

Then his eyes fell to the Discord doll by the edge of his bed attached to a note. The note read: “PULL STRING.” So with trembling hooves, Green Bean did just that—spinning the Discord doll around to yank on the pull-string coming out its back.

“Don’t think that this is over… because it’s not…

“We have many other uses for you… and many more silly names to call you… like Green Bean Casserole…”

Green Bean gulped while he gripped his pillow tight to his chest. For the rest of the night, the Discord doll only continued to blather on with little hope of ever shutting up.

“What’s the deal with socks and sandals? Who’s even wearing them?

“And I can’t be the only one that likes fresh cut sawdust, can I? That doesn’t make me weird, does it?

“Don’t even get me started on post-it notes. Okay, you just did! Hope you’re sitting on something comfortable…”

Author's Notes:

This particular chapter is sponsored by Lamb of God vocalist and secret MLP-fan Randy Blythe, who once was arrested in the Czech Republic for declaring on stage that best pony was--

BLERT!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra16KO46K48

Escape From Bounce Castle (Short)

A headache was already starting to form deep within Sergeant Silverbuck’s head. A number of reasons for its creation came to mind: that he’d been working around the clock the last few weeks keeping check on the Princesses in hospital; the fact that his wife kept on nagging him to finish the basement and sell their old couch. Or perhaps it was something far simpler that was causing Silverbuck’s ever expanding headache—like perhaps someone only a few feet away from him that refused to stop from bouncing.

“Private Pile!” Silverbuck roared. “You are really starting to test my patience! Just what in Equestria do you think you’re doing?”

The goofy grin on Private Pile’s face melted away the moment he stopped bouncing up and down. “I was only bouncing, sir. We are trapped in a bouncy castle, remember?”

Silverbuck grunted his response. “Don’t remind me, Pile.”

That was when Silverbuck cast a hasty glance around him. Everywhere he looked was only more of the same—more inflated walls and floor; more bouncy and colorful surfaces alongside mesh nets that sealed off every possible exit, alongside his two dozen fellow trapped guards.

Silverbuck glared in Pile’s direction. “You just had to pull Discord’s finger, didn’t you?”

Private Pile shrugged. “But he offered it! What was I supposed to do? Leave him hanging?”

“Exactly that!” Silverbuck shouted back. “Stay in formation! Protect the Princesses inside the hospital!”

“But I’ve never even touched a finger before!” Pile tried to explain. “Technically, a claw, but still…”

Headache getting worse by every word spoken to him, Silverbuck sighed aloud. “One finger pull and look where we are! Stuck in a bouncy castle with no hope of getting back inside to protect the Princesses. Hope you’re happy with yourself, Pile.”

Pile surprised him with a chuckle. “Well, sort of, I mean…” He angled his head around the large inflated room. “It is a bouncy castle.” With that said, he continued to bounce on the spot, giggling as he got closer and closer to the ceiling area. “I mean, we were denied that barracks trampoline last month.”

Silverbuck extended a sharp hoof to his bouncing comrade. “That’s why we got the foosball table!”

Private Pile shook his head at him. “No one likes foosball, sir. No one.”

“That’s a lie,” Silverbuck spat.

“Do you like foosball, sir?”

Silverbuck had to chew on his tongue a moment. “Well… no… but that doesn’t mean no one does!”

After becoming a tad winded, Private Pile returned to the ground in order to catch his breath. “Also, sir, if we did get out of this bouncy castle right this moment, you know who we’d be up against besides Discord? Queen Chrysalis, King Sombra, Tirek, and whoever this Bad Dude is! And from what I’ve been hearing recently, that colt’s one seriously bad dude.” He paused for a moment. “You hear he actually took three of Princess Celestia’s personal cookies?”

Silverbuck grumbled. “That was only a rumor, Pile.”

To add weight to his next statement, Private Pile laid a hoof on one of Silverbuck’s shoulders. “What if, sir, the only way to actually escape the bouncy castle is to become one with the bouncy castle?”

Silverbuck roughly flicked Pile’s hoof away. “I think you’ve somehow already bounced your brains to mush, Private.”

Unperturbed, Pile continued on regardless, “Discord’s weird, right? And sneaky! So maybe if we have enough fun inside his elaborate trap—instead of, say, moping around the entire time—then maybe that’ll end up setting us free!”

Fearing he would soon start screaming and screaming and not be able to stop screaming anytime soon, Silverbuck relaxed himself by closing his eyes and performing a calming breathing technique he’d learned back in the academy. Only when he felt more or less in control of his screams, did he face Pile again.

He asked him thickly, “How did a private like you ever get onto the Princess Protection Program?”

“My cousin,” Pile answered without hesitation. “He put in a good word for me.”

Silverbuck could only shake his head at that. “I doubt even Princess Twilight Sparkle herself knows a more magical word than the one your cousin must’ve used to get you this job. Alas, we shall bounce—not because I want to, mind you, but only because I believe to have found a way out. See for yourself, Private Pile.”

Using a hoof, Silverbuck pointed to the gap in the inflated ceiling above him.

Private Pile cocked a brow. “A way out?”

“Perhaps,” Silverbuck answered, before speaking to the rest of the guards in the room. “Listen up! Listen up, all of you! Up above our heads might just be our way out of here, but to get there, we’ll need to bounce much higher than normal safety rules would allow in bouncy castles. Yes, I am indeed talking about the super fun, but dangerous double bounce. If anyone—”

Silverbuck’s sentence was cut short when a good portion of his guards either gasped in surprise or giggled underneath their helmets. Before continuing, Silverbuck growled deep within his throat.

“If anyone has any problems with that, let them speak now. And make sure that before anyone starts to bounce, they first remove all weapons and armor. I don’t want someone falling and hurting themselves or injuring others. Same goes with timing your bounces correctly. Make sure any guards surrounding you are being looked after and remain safe. And perhaps most importantly, remember—we are not bouncing inside this bouncy castle for fun. This is super serious business here and if anyone should ask us what happened once we get out of this place, the answer is we only jumped inside this bouncy castle because it was a matter of life and death.”

Steeling himself, Silverbuck said, “Now someone double bounce me before I lose my nerve.”

To no one’s real surprise, the opening in the ceiling only led them all to another section of colorful inflatable floor. As far as Silverbuck knew, regular bouncy castles contained a single square room and sometimes a slide attachment. Discord’s bouncy castle must’ve been much larger than any in existence.

It was literally a castle-sized bouncy castle.

As Silverbuck and his guards bounced up another hallway in search of an exit, Private Pile kept as close to the sergeant as he could. Already, Pile was loudly panting from the never-ending bouncing.

“This bouncy castle’s kinda spooky, don’t you think?” Pile asked him, letting out a single shaky breath.

It was true. Discord’s bouncy castle was a bit scary, with its boarded up windows and cobweb-coated inflatable furniture and chandeliers. It even had inflatable squeaking doors that sometimes slammed shut without warning or proper provocation.

“You don’t think it’s,” Private Pile muttered out nervously, “haunted, do you, sir?”

Silverbuck wanted to roll his eyes at him, but didn’t want to tempt his growing headache anymore than he had to. “What? You think this bouncy castle’s haunted, Pile? What’s next? Bouncy castle ghosts?”

Private Pile shot a hoof to his mouth as his eyes widened. “You think so, sir? Do you think they’d still float around like normal ghosts would or that they’d bounce around instead because they’re haunting a bouncy castle instead of a regular castle?”

Silverbuck had to shut his eyes again.

If these are the types of guards protecting the Princesses, they never really had a chance to begin with, did they?

He shot a look behind him at the rest of his guards. “Anyone else want to converse with me besides him? Please? No takers?”

Private Pile seemed not to hear what he’d said. “You think bouncy castle ghosts say ‘Boo’? Or ‘Woo’, because they’re actually having a lot of fun while scaring ponies? I know if I ended up haunting a candy store, I wouldn’t mind it much… then again, ghosts don’t technically eat, do they?”

“Ow! My leg!” someone shrieked behind them.

Spinning on the spot, Silverbuck hurried over to the injured guard, sprawled out on the inflated castle floor. He had both forelegs wrapped around one of his ankles.

“What happened?” Silverbuck barked out.

“I think I twisted my ankle,” the injured guard whimpered out. “I can’t keep on bouncing like this, sir… we’ve been inside here for so long already… like ten minutes now!”

Silverbuck knelt down beside his fallen guard, lifting their head up to look at him. He told him earnestly, “Not once in my career have I ever left a single guard behind, and that’s not about to change tonight. If I can’t bounce for you, then I’ll just have to bounce for both of us!”

With that said, Silverbuck gritted his teeth to lift the guard onto his back and continue onwards; the added weight only making his bounces even higher than before.

My dearest Flower Petal,

I have been stuck inside this horrible bouncy castle of Discord’s for the last ninety-one minutes and am starting to fear that I might never glimpse your beautiful face again. All around me, I see guards with injured knees, sprained ankles, and pained expressions. What started off as something fun has grown into something much, much different—spirits have dropped dramatically and even the originally joyful Private Pile had grown sullen in the last few moments inside here.

Please, tell our daughter that I am sorry I shall never see her again and that I love her very much. But, please, also warn her about the dangers of bouncy castles and only staying inside one for a few minutes at a time. Tell everyone you can before it’s too late!

Forever yours,

Royal Sergeant Silverbuck the Third

P.S. I’ve just now realized I have no real way of sending this to you, so I’ll have to make do by giving you this heartfelt letter the next time I see you. Maybe still act surprised? Anyways, I must go—another one of my guards has come down with “bouncy castle fever” and I fear it might be contagious. Curse you, seemingly fun bouncy castle! Curse you all the way to Heck!

Author's Notes:

A big thanks to Raugos for suggesting this very odd short in the comments a while back.

Say, could that Private Pile be related to someone? I wonder.

Normal chapter coming up!

Birthday Party Redux

Bad Dude had only been in Ponyville for a couple hours at most and had already run out of things to do. He’d visited the local toy store and candy shop; played on the swings by the school; browsed a few comic books at the book store in the center of town.

That morning, Bad Dude’s parents had told him to go play outside for a while; it was a bright and sunny Saturday, after all. As they had put it, he “needed some exercise.” But he knew the truth was actually something far simpler, though.

Today was Bad Dude’s birthday and it was clear his parents only wanted some time to decorate the house for him. That was all fine and good. Bad Dude loved his parents and spending his birthday with them and them alone would be nice. There’d be cake and donuts and gifts and everything he could possibly want.

As long as it didn’t end up like last year, Bad Dude would be content.

It was just a few days ago that Bad Dude had to basically plead with his parents not to try and invite his classmates over again. Bad Dude would much rather settle for less than be disappointed all over again.

While flipping through comic books at the book store, Bad Dude had to force himself from pouting. One of the new villains in the latest Power Ponies issues looked like a complete rip-off of Nightmare Moon and that only got him thinking about Princess Luna again. It’d been three days since he’d visited her in hospital and it was becoming less and less likely she was going to change her mind about joining his team anytime soon.

That was too bad. What other villain could terrorize the very dreams of others? And if Sombra managed to learn what some of the opposition feared most and had Nightmare Moon plant those images in their dreams—

Bad Dude had to shake his head in order to clear his thoughts; once he started thinking about awesome villainy he found he just couldn’t stop. That and whenever he started thinking about frosting in a can.

“Hello, Frank!” Bad Dude greeted loudly to the unicorn on the curb.

The unicorn in question wore a blue button-up shirt with matching hat.

“I think I’m ready to go home now,” Bad Dude told him.

The unicorn furrowed his brows. “What did you call me?”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened from his tone. “Frank? Isn’t that your name?”

“No! As a matter of fact, it is not!” the unicorn spat. “I’m Not Frank. I thought that was clear. I’ve been teleporting you from Ponyville to Canterlot for over a year and you can’t even remember my name?”

Bad Dude stared up at him blankly. “So your name’s not Frank? Then what it is?”

“It’s Not Frank!” the unicorn yelled in return. “Frank’s my twin brother and everyone just hates that guy—which is why I had my name changed to begin with.”

Bad Dude pursed his lips. “You had your name changed to Not Frank so ponies wouldn’t confuse you with the real Frank?”

The unicorn nodded enthusiastically. “That’s so everyone would know that I’m Not Frank and not Frank. But don’t get those two names confused with my dad’s name—Isn’t Frank. He hates my twin brother Frank just as much as I do.”

“So your father isn’t Frank?”

The unicorn grumbled aloud. “My father Isn’t Frank. What’s so hard to understand about this? I’m Not Frank and my dad Isn’t Frank. In fact, the only one who actually likes my twin brother Frank anymore is my cousin—Let Me Be Frank. And if I’m being Frank, let’s just say she’s not invited to all that many family picnics anymore.”

For the longest moment, Bad Dude really didn’t know how to proceed. So he muttered out, “Can I go home now, please? I got my ‘Unicorn Pass’ and everything.”

With a grunt, the unicorn took Bad Dude’s small card and added another checkmark inside a row of boxes. The ‘Unicorn Pass’ Bad Dude had was good until at least the end of the month.

“Ready?” the unicorn asked him.

Bad Dude nodded and he instantly disappeared in a cloud of white smoke and silver glitter. The next time he opened his eyes, he was back in Canterlot and somehow still standing in front of the same exact unicorn as before—same matching clothes and everything.

Bad Dude asked him timidly, “Not Frank?”

The unicorn exhaled angrily. “I’m Frank, damn it! Has my twin brother been saying bad things about me again? I knew it was a terrible idea sharing the same teleportation route with that jerk!”

“I’m just going to go home now,” Bad Dude whispered more to himself, before trotting up the road and in the direction of home.

A few moments later, Bad Dude surprised himself by practically prancing in his step. It was nice day already—cheerful and sunny—and now he got to spend the rest of it celebrating with those that cared about him most. Knowing that, alongside the knowledge of just what C.U.T.E.’s next scheme was going to be only added to his current elation. Frankly, Bad Dude didn’t think anything could ruin his day by that point.

That was until he looked through his home’s front window to find Green Bean inside.

“What are you doing here?” Bad Dude asked Green Bean thickly, after closing the shop’s front door behind him.

Green Bean whirled around and raised both forelegs into the air. “Sweet Glaze! You’re back! Oh, thank Celestia!”

Bad Dude had to think about what he’d say next for a moment. In just the time it took Green Bean to turn around did Bad Dude realize how different he looked—dark bags under bloodshot eyes; never-ending fidgeting; a smile so large it was almost scary. Maybe Green Bean was ill. It would explain why he hadn’t seen him at school in the last few days.

But what Bad Dude wanted to know most of all was, “Why’d you call me Sweet Glaze? You’ve never called me that.”

Green Bean surprised Bad Dude by wrapping a thick foreleg over his shoulder. “What? Who? Me? Give you a clever nickname that doesn’t fit? I don’t think so, Sweet Glaze! You’ve always been Sweet Glaze! Yup-yup!” He then laughed to himself uneasily. “Say, isn’t it your awesome birthday today?”

Using a hoof, Bad Dude brushed Green Bean off of him. “Maybe it is. Why would you care?” He sighed, before saying to him, “Just… just buy some donuts from my dad or leave, okay? I don’t want you ruining my day.”

“Ruining days?” Green Bean yelped, before standing way, way too close to Bad Dude for comfort. “No! No, no, no, no! Today is gonna be the best… day… ever! It has to be! It just has to!”

Bad Dude took a half-step away from him. “Since when have you ever cared about how my day was? I still don’t get why—”

“I found the hats!” Donut Joe declared as he strolled into the room, one of his legs loaded with an assortment of colorful party hats. “Oh, Sweet Glaze! You’re back. Have a nice time around Ponyville?”

Bad Dude pointed a hoof at Green Bean. “What’s he doing here?”

Donut Joe only chuckled good-naturedly. “Well, first off, this is a donut shop, so anyone has the right to enter here and buy my delicious goods, but secondly—and most importantly—Green Bean is actually here because it’s your birthday, Sweet Glaze.”

Donut Joe hurriedly snapped a party hat onto Green Bean’s clump of mane before placing one on Bad Dude’s head right afterwards.

Bad Dude stomped a hoof on the floor angrily—completely disregarding the cheerful party hat on his head. “But I only wanted you and mom at my birthday! You know what happened last year, Dad!”

With a sigh, Donut Joe knelt down beside his son to jostle his mane. “I know what happened last year, Sweet Glaze, and truthfully mom and I had no plans of repeating it this year… that was until Green Bean came to us and said he wanted to personally throw you a party all by himself.” He chuckled quietly. “Green Bean here was just adamant about throwing you a swell party, son. How’d you put it, Green Bean? It was a matter of…?”

“Life and death,” Green Bean replied morosely.

Slowly, Bad Dude’s eyes went from his dad and back to Green Bean. There was still so much he didn’t understand about all of this. “So… what? Now Green Bean’s gonna be spending the day with the three of us?”

Donut Joe shook his head. “Not exactly, Sweet Glaze. Come on into the living room and I’ll explain.”

Having said that, Donut Joe whirled around and disappeared into the back of the shop. Meanwhile, Green Bean waited until Bad Dude started forward before joining him. It didn’t even seem as if Green Bean blinked anymore. And was it Bad Dude’s imagination or did his mane look a whole lot whiter than before?

Bad Dude took a single step into pitch-black darkness before someone ripped open the curtains covering the windows, showering their living room with golden rays of light.

“Surprise!” screamed close to two dozen foals—Sweetie Belle’s distinct shout amongst the loudest and most piercing.

To say Sweet Glaze had only been surprised would have been an understatement.

Stuffed inside his modest living room was close to every member of his class—the only students absent being the few Bad Dude was glad hadn’t been invited. All around the room were helium balloons on strings and colorful banners that had been tacked onto the walls reading: “Happy Birthday Sweet Glaze!” Just below the window to his right was a table loaded with various cakes, donuts, pizzas, cheese and cracker platters, and a giant bowl of punch with serving glasses. As he glanced at every foal around the room, he noted that they also had on matching party hats just like Bad Dude’s and Green Bean’s.

It was only a second later that the room quieted and all eyes fell on Bad Dude, still in the process of taking it all in. It almost didn’t seem real to him—as if there just had to be a catch somewhere. Perhaps at any moment now, a bucket full of raspberry jam would dump onto his head and Green Bean would start shouting, “Sticky Glaze!”

Yet nothing of the sort happened that day.

When Bad Dude’s eyes started to water, he had to turn away from everyone. There was only one pony who stood behind him—Green Bean—who was staring at him expectantly.

“But… why?” Bad Dude chirped out.

“Because I was wrong, all right?” Green Bean told him quietly, so no one else would overhear. “You’re not a loser, you’re different, but… you’re more or less just like everyone else. Okay? And I’m sorry… about being a jerk. I have trouble knowing when I’ve done something wrong.”

Hastily, Bad Dude wiped at his eyes while nodding a bit. “It’s okay. This is really nice, actually.” He paused for a moment as a queer thought came to him. “Does this mean we’re friends now?”

“Only if you want to be,” Green Bean replied, before he flinched suddenly. He asked Bad Dude in a hushed tone, “Just… please tell me this is the best birthday party you’ve ever been to, okay?”

Bad Dude told him earnestly, “It’s a really nice party, Green Bean.”

“N-n-no!” Green Bean stammered out, shaking his head from side to side. “I n-need you to say, ‘Green Bean, this is quite possibly the greatest birthday party I have ever been to and I no longer hold any ill will towards you’. Can you say that, please? Exactly what I just said?”

Bad Dude stared at him deadpan. “The whole sentence? Really?”

Green Bean told him stoically, “Let’s just say it’s a matter of life and death, Sweet Glaze.”

So Bad Dude repeated back exactly what he wanted him to.

It was less than thirty minutes into the party before a late arrival loudly rapped on the shop’s front door. In the living room, Donut Joe stopped cutting and serving pieces of cake to go answer it; only seconds later calling Bad Dude to come greet them too.

Donut Joe kept a safe distance between Bad Dude and the couple at the entrance to the shop. “You know these ponies, Sweet Glaze? They say you’re friends with their son.”

Honestly, Bad Dude didn’t know either of the adult ponies. One was a mare with a dark blue coat and chestnut brown mane. By her side was a stallion that must’ve been around the same age as her, with a light grey coat and jet black mane and tail with silver stripes. His cutie mark was of a swirling tornado.

“Of course he remembers us,” the stallion spoke sharply, giving his thin white beard a stroke. “He plays with our lazy son all the time! You remember Blackberry, don’t you, Sweet Glaze?”

The stallion flashed Bad Dude a quick smile, his eyes forming red-and-yellow spirals for a brief moment.

Bad Dude nodded the moment he understood. “Oh… of course! Yeah! Blackberry’s totally a colt I play with sometimes!”

Discord the stallion turned to look back at Donut Joe, who must’ve missed his impromptu eye transformation only a moment ago. “See? We’re not just strangers crashing a children’s birthday party for some creepy reason. So go! Look after the kiddies or whatever it is you do around here.”

Donut Joe hesitated for a second, before telling Bad Dude to come join the party after he was done speaking with the pair.

Only when he was certain his dad was safely out of earshot, did Bad Dude open his mouth again. “Discord? Is that really you?”

Discord giggled richly. “Why of course it is. Didn’t think the very Lord of Chaos was capable of a simple transformation spell?”

“And…” Bad Dude turned to the mare standing beside him. “Chrysalis?”

Chrysalis gave a nod. “Indeed. I took the form of a mare I saw on the way coming here—with any luck no one will recognize her before the party is over.”

Bad Dude had to fight back fresh tears. “So you two really came all this way for my birthday party?”

Discord laughed again. “I happen to love parties, Bad Dude. You think I’d miss even a single one?”

As happy as he felt seeing the two of them there, another thought made Bad Dude’s shoulders slump a tad. “I guess Sombra couldn’t make it—everyone sort of knows what he looks like, don’t they?”

Discord grinned thinly. “Think again, Bad Dude. I have a lot of magical resources, remember? And we did need a little colt to help sell these disguises.” Having said that, Discord roughly used a backleg to kick open the front door behind him before yelling out of it, “Blackberry! Get your tiny plot in here already before I come out there and pick you up by the scruff of the neck! It already sounds like a cute antic, so I’m tempted to do it anyways!”

No sound or movement from the doorway.

“Blackberry? Honeybun?” Chrysalis cooed softly. “Let’s not go making a scene now.”

From just outside his shop, Bad Dude could hear tiny hooves slap against the ground in a rather angry manner, before a colt the same size as Bad Dude walked into the shop. Like his “father”, he had a grey coat and a wavy black mane. His horn was a normal stubby grey one.

“Is someone still throwing a tantrum?” Discord asked him snidely.

The colt wouldn’t look anyone in the room in the eyes. “I hate everyone so much right now, it’s not even remotely humorous,” he grumbled out. “Besides you, Bad Dude. Happy birthday or whatever.”

Bad Dude could only gasp in shock. “Sombra? Really? That’s awesome! Now we’re like brothers or something! I totally need to introduce you to the other kids in my class!”

“Oh. Joy,” Sombra replied dourly, before he angled his head towards Discord. “Now why couldn’t you be the foal and I the husband? Huh? I think you’re childish enough to pull it off! Obviously!”

Discord only rolled his eyes. “Sure, being a foal for a day would be fun and all, but you know what’s even more fun? Annoying you. So now I get to attend a party and annoy you at the same time. It also means I get to do stuff like this whenever I want to today.”

Without warning, Discord scooped Sombra up off the floor to start tickling his small round belly. As much as the colt-sized Sombra flailed his tiny hooves in all directions, it did little to stop the tickle attack. Even Sombra’s usual curse words had lost most of their punch during his transformation; delivered by a voice several octaves above their usual pitch. By the time Discord blew Blackberry a raspberry, Sombra was almost in tears. Tears of hate, most likely.

“Oh, leave him alone,” Chrysalis moaned, finally nabbing Sombra out of Discord’s clutches to set him back on the ground. “Sombra may be small at the moment, but I’m sure he’s still big where it counts.”

Discord sighed and slammed a hoof into his forehead. “You were just holding onto that one, weren’t you? For how long? Since we left the fortress?”

“What?” Chrysalis furrowed her brows. “Bad Dude’s the only one that gets to make those types of jokes?”

By that point in time, Bad Dude had become so happy seeing the three of them there he was nearly bouncing on the spot. “Come on, you three! We can joke around later! Let’s go join the party!”

As Bad Dude trotted back into the living room, he could hear Sombra grumble, “Shouldn’t Tirek have come with us? What ever happened to him?”

Discord snorted in laughter. “I’m sure his invitation must’ve got lost in the mail or something.”

“All right. I’m ready to go.”

Tirek stood at the bottom of the stone steps, freshly showered and groomed. He glanced around the empty fortress for a moment before cocking a wispy brow.

“Chrysalis? Sombra?” he spoke meekly, before he let out a sigh. “Discord?”

A hasty check of the base’s kitchen, gym, pool, rooftop, and miniature golf course made it abundantly clear that he’d been left behind. The only ones remaining in the fortress had been Tic, Tac, and Toe—currently lounging around the living room and reading some of Bad Dude’s old comic books.

Tirek entered the room to stand on the carpet. “Do any of you know how to play chess, perchance?”

Tic, Tac, and Toe collectively shook their heads.

“Checkers, then?” Tirek ventured hopefully.

At that, Tic, Tac, and Toe gave each other a quick glance before nodding up at him.

“Splendid.” Tirek turned in the direction of the kitchen area. “You three go get the board and I’ll go make us some fruit smoothies. Discord should know that Lord Tirek doesn’t need to go to silly parties to still have fun.”

Back at Bad Dude’s party, the colt-sized Sombra plopped his butt on the floor with a frown as big as his muzzle could manage—a muzzle currently coated with a thick mound of white cake icing.

Chrysalis stood to his side. “Doesn’t your face ever hurt from frowning so much?”

Sombra only gave her the faintest of nods. “Obviously. But it’s worth it in the end—if ponies think you’re mad all the time, there’s less of a chance they’ll annoy you. Besides him, I guess.”

The one in question happened to be Discord, who stood on the other side of him and playfully ruffled his mane. “You done being a party pooper yet, Blackberry? Honestly, I had no idea a colt your size could contain so much party poop.”

Sombra growled at him loudly—still cute, considering his size. “Don’t try and dictate my pooping schedule, dragon! I can be a party pooper wherever and whenever I want! It’s not easy being a colt—everyone in Bad Dude’s class wants to talk to me and give me slices of cake and have me play pin the head on the hydra with them! You ever notice how oddly friendly all those Ponyville ponies are? I barely had time to give Bad Dude his personalized rock sculpture present.”

Chrysalis grunted. “That was supposed to be a sculpture of Bad Dude? I thought it was a potato.”

“No!” Sombra roared. “He’s the one holding the potato. It’s an inside joke between us. Why would—” He closed his eyes and stopped himself. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve grown tired of this party and wish to leave. We’ve done what we set out to do—Bad Dude is having fun and that is that. Green Bean is no longer our concern after completing what we asked of him… although I still wouldn’t mind erasing his existence from the world.”

Chrysalis used a hoof to rub Sombra’s back. “Such a mean, mean colt we have here. But don’t you think it would be odd? A schoolmate of Sweet Glaze’s that caused him nothing but trouble in the past suddenly disappearing? I’d rather shed as little light on Sweet Glaze as we can. I mean… his costume is literally a cape, remember?”

Sombra absently licked a bit of cake off his hoof. “Should we be worried about those three? I don’t like them being so close to Bad Dude—especially that shrill and bouncy one there.”

Across the living room, Bad Dude was currently playing a game of Can You Guess Who I Am Using Various Hints And Clues? with Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo. In the game, every pony held a card with the image of a different creature or pony on it, and the others had to ask questions to try and determine which creature or pony was on the others’ card. Considering the deck held around eighty percent pony cards, the one to usually lose first was the one with the rare dragon or mythological creature on it.

Discord gave a curt nod while keeping an eye on the four foals. “The Cutie Mark Crusaders. Yes, all three of them are rather close to the Elements of Harmony, aren’t they? Might make things interesting down the line. Then again, what could three small fillies possibly do against four of the most renowned villains in all of existence featuring Tirek?”

“Actually, I think we may have bigger problems to worry about.” Chrysalis lifted her chin to the front of the shop where two ponies had just entered.

Discord sighed and scratched at his face with a hoof. “Oh, bother. Applejack and Rarity. Must be here to pick up their sisters. Well, as long as we don’t do anything stupid—”

“Cute games are officially over!” Sombra squeaked out, his tiny hooves already trying to gain traction on the hardwood floors. “The time of Element slaying has come! I swear I will taste mare blood before the day is through!”

“Blackberry, let’s not go making a—” was all Chrysalis got out before Sombra charged out of the living room and towards the pair of mares.

Discord gave Chrysalis a sideways glance. “Where did we go so wrong with our son? I want to blame myself, but… don’t.”

Chrysalis sighed. “Come on. Let’s go get him before he ruins Bad Dude’s little party.”

Before they even entered the front room, they could already hear Sombra’s trademark grumbling.

“Put me down, vile mare! Your time has come! Let us not delay it any further!” growled Sombra, tightly held in one of Applejack’s forelegs. At the moment, he was being held over one of her shoulders as she lightly patted his back.

Applejack took notice of the two of them. “You this kid’s parents?”

Discord raised a brow. “If I say ‘no,’ does that mean you’ll keep him? No take-backs now.”

“This little troublemaker just tried to bite me,” Applejack continued on regardless. “I think he had too much cake or something—I see he’s coated with enough of the stuff. Anyways, I thought burping him might just do the trick. Upset stomachs can make foals cranky.”

Rarity pursed her lips at her. “If some colt tried something like that on me, he certainly wouldn’t be getting off so easily. I’d be using my hoof to hit an entirely different area on the colt.”

“You are only making things so much worse for yourself!” Sombra said, as he visibly tried to pry himself loose from Applejack’s hoof. “Stop touching me! I’ll… buuuuurp!” Sombra belched, before calming down a bit. “Oddly, I do feel a lot better now.”

Using his horn, Discord grabbed Sombra with his aura and brought him back down to the floor. He kept a close eye on him to make sure he wouldn’t try anything again.

Discord then brought a hoof up to his mouth to yell into the living room behind them. “Children! Come say ‘goodbye’ to little Blackberry here! He needs to go home and take a nap before he does something he’ll end up regretting.” A slimy grin began worming its way onto his lips. “And did anyone mention that if you squeeze Blackberry enough, a whack load of jellybeans magically shoot out of his horn?”

That last statement made every foal in the other room halt whatever they were doing—large eyes popping wide and focusing on the colt known as Blackberry in the other room.

Sombra looked up at Discord with an almost pained expression. “But… why?”

Discord’s grin only widened. “Because it sounded cute, but mostly because I really don’t like you very much.”

“Jellybeans!” screamed two dozen foals as they scampered into the room, a few tripping over their own hooves in their hurry.

With a soft smack! they collided with Sombra and instantly formed a small moving pile of pure fluff and hooves. Sombra was swiftly swallowed whole by the thick of it—his child-like screams growing more and more faint.

Eventually, a multi-colored magic cloud formed above the writhing mass of children and began showering bright jellybeans everywhere. It was only then that the foals finally let go of Sombra, who by that point looked near-deflated and sprawled out on the ground.

“Ready to go, Blackberry?” Chrysalis asked him tentatively.

Sombra only belched again, his tongue lolling out his mouth.

And out of the corner of Discord’s eyes, he could see Bad Dude laughing hard enough to make tears spill down his cheeks—Green Bean next to him laughing as well, only a bit uneasily.

Author's Notes:

All right. One or two more slice-of-lifey chapters... then we'll be getting onto some bigger, more explosive stuff.

If you were curious, I was going with Sombra's comic version colt. So... too cute to handle anymore.

The Beach Episode

Bad Dude filled his empty ice cream pail up with sand and a splash of water before patting it down with his hooves. Once that was done, he carefully set it on the ground and flipped it upside-down as quickly as he could, tapping the sides of the pail before lifting it back up again. He clapped his hooves together happily when his block of wet sand retained its shape. Now he had four towers to his sand castle and was going to start on the moat that would surround it.

Bad Dude lifted his head up from his work to squint in the bright sun. “You guys wanna help dig the moat around the walls?”

Tic, Tac, and Toe—at the moment appearing like Bad Dude to help protect them from the worst of the sun’s rays—nodded at once and trotted from their beach blanket towards him.

Bad Dude gave out the two plastic shovels he’d brought along and directed the changeling that didn’t receive a shovel to help remove whatever excess sand was around the castle.

Bad Dude had to admit he was getting a lot better at giving orders. Relatively easy when Tic, Tac, and Toe were game for most anything that didn’t resemble some sort of chore.

While the three of them got to work, Bad Dude hitched up his royal blue swim trunks and went to sit down next to Chrysalis, who was lounging underneath a circular beach umbrella with a glass of pink lemonade. Bad Dude had to hug the pitcher of lemonade as much as he could to try and get a hint of “love” flavor onto it.

“Having a nice time?” Bad Dude asked, gazing over the shimmering blue ocean and the small speck of grey-and-black fur that was the peacefully swimming Sombra. When the eight of them first arrived at the popular beach location, there’d been close to thirty ponies already there. Needless to say, not many felt the urge to hang around and see what the villains were up to—all except for one white pegasus snoozing by the end of the beach who must’ve had no idea of their arrival.

“I am,” Chrysalis admitted, resting her head on a hoof. “I’m just not certain why this ‘vacation’ was all that necessary to begin with. We have our plans to strike; we’re nearly in position. So why are we here, Bad Dude?”

“To relax and have fun, of course!” Bad Dude exclaimed. “I don’t want our group to do nothing but work! So, I thought days out like this would help boost team morale. I mean… Tic, Tac, and Toe seem to be enjoying themselves.”

Both Bad Dude and Chrysalis took a glance in the direction of his sand castle, where Tic, Tac, and Toe had formed a chain-link of sorts to first fill up Bad Dude’s pail with water from the ocean before handing it off to the next one and then the next to finally dump into the moat.

Chrysalis chuckled. “They’d be happy doing anything as long as it wasn’t work. Plus, I think they’ve taken quite a liking to you, Bad Dude. Can’t blame them with all those snuggles you keep giving them.”

Bad Dude turned his attention to the sand by his hooves for a moment. “Speaking of ‘liking’ things… how are you getting along with everyone so far? In the group, I mean?”

Chrysalis cocked a curious brow. “Well, I like you, of course. You’re smart and determined and full of energy, and I can’t help but think of my many children whenever I see you. Discord is… Discord and as much as some of his jokes fall flat or are just plain grating, I do understand his obvious worth on the team. None of us quite have powers like his.”

The patch of sand in front of Chrysalis’ beach blanket let out a moan and shifted. A second later, Discord’s head popped out of the hill of sand, followed by his neck and arms. He left the rest of his body below the ground as he laid his head on an arm and kept his eyes closed.

“Someone talking about me?” Discord cooed playfully, not entirely focused on the two of them. “Usually ponies buy me dinner first before they start kissing my butt. What can I say? It’s not easy being so awesome every moment of every day.”

Chrysalis sat up on her blanket. “Is that where you’ve been hiding for the last hour? Underneath the sand?”

Discord moaned contently. “I like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and warm and it somehow gets everywhere. I hope when I die, I turn into a great pile of sand so I can annoy everyone one last time by showing up in their clothes and making them itchy.”

“You’re demented,” Chrysalis snapped.

Discord only giggled. “Why thank you.”

Bad Dude had to tug on Chrysalis’ shoulder to get her attention again. “Okay, but what about, say, King Sombra? What do you think about him?”

For the briefest of moments, Chrysalis’ lips curled upwards into a grin. “I must say, he’s grown on me over the last few weeks. He may be bold and brash, but I think that’s just the way kings were meant to behave. He also reminds me of someone—a royal someone. I’ve always liked royalty. I guess that comes with being a Queen.”

Out in the ocean, Sombra stopped backstroking to pony paddle back towards the beach. Once back on land, he gave his entire torso and mane a shake, before running a hoof along his curved horn in search of debris. When they first arrived at the beach, Bad Dude had set up a game of volleyball for them all to play, only for it to end rather abruptly when the ball spiked itself on Sombra’s horn and deflated.

As Sombra left the water, Chrysalis never took her eyes off of him—neither did Bad Dude take his eyes off of her.

Without her knowledge, Bad Dude gently rubbed his hooves together and giggled. As he’d come to learn, that was what “proper” villains were supposed to do when plans were coming to fruition—or when you saw your food coming towards your table at a restaurant.

Discord, meanwhile, snapped himself a pair of sunglasses to stare at Chrysalis dryly with. “We still doing this? Honestly?” He stuck out his tongue in disgust. “Romance? You all are somehow crazier than me.”

Bad Dude scooted his rump along the sand towards him. “Any idea why Fluttershy didn’t want to come out today?”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Might’ve had to do with betraying her trust by joining a super villain group poised on destroying her and her friends. But that’s just business! Why can’t she understand that? Her and I remain friends while we’re not playing heroes and villains and everything remains the same! Why does she have to take everything so personally? I mean, isn’t it a good idea keeping business and pleasure separate?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” Chrysalis replied softly, her vision still stuck on Sombra along the beach—now busying himself by shooting waves of magic from his horn into the water to create large chunks of jagged ice and crystal.

From her response, Discord sighed and stood, shaking off any excess sand off of himself. “I’m getting hungry. Chrysalis, call your boy toy back over here and let’s eat and talk strategy. Tomorrow we show Equestria just what it’s up against, and I’d rather we don’t muck it up by tripping over our own shoelaces or something.”

“No one here wears shoes, Discord,” Chrysalis told him bluntly.

Discord nodded. “Glad we agreed on that rule. You’re all welcome I brought it up. Sadly, I’m still hungry.” Discord then pretended to gasp in surprise and lowered his head to the ground. “My word! Look at this amazing rock I found! Or wait? Could this be some kind of crystal instead?”

Not a second later did Sombra stop what he was doing and spin around to them, breaking apart into a vortex of thick black smoke before charging up the beach. Once close enough, he collected himself against and turned his head from side to side frantically.

“Rocks? Where, damn it!?” Sombra yelled, searching along the ground for them.

Discord chuckled and patted Sombra on the shoulder. “Rocks? Oh, no. I actually said ‘socks’—simple mistake, I know. But since you’re here, let’s go get some food, all right?”

For a little while longer, Sombra continued to scan the area for hidden gems, before growing sullen. “Fine. If I cannot find any rocks today, then I’ll come back for those socks you mentioned. My hoofs have a terrible tendency of getting cold at night.”

With the rock dilemma seemingly under control, the four of them made their way a few meters across the beach, where a circular grill filled with burning coals had been set up. Looking after the grill—as well as the table of various snacks and drinks—was Tirek, clad in a white apron and holding onto a long two-prong fork.

Tirek looked up from the grill as he saw them approach. “Good timing. Bad Dude—grilled hay burger or carrot dog?”

“Carrot dog, please,” Bad Dude answered, taking a seat at the picnic table Discord had snapped there earlier.

“Coming up.” Tirek lifted up the grill’s lid as a cloud of smoke escaped it. He used his fork to stab a cooked carrot and stick it on a bun before serving it to him. He turned to the rest of them. “Well? What’ll it be?”

“I’ll have a double hay burger,” Discord told him snidely. “Thankfully, I brought my own condiments—ever tried my patented ‘Discord Sauce’? Bound to put some hair on your chest. Peppers, raspberry jam, black tar, post-it notes, brown sugar, pure-liquid madness.”

Tirek laid out Discord’s burger and handed him the plate. “I think I’ll pass, thanks.”

Chrysalis ignored the grill as Sombra made his way towards it, giving the contents a sniff before frowning heavily. “No meat? Steak? Pork? I’d even settle for chicken.”

“Afraid not,” Tirek spoke, grabbing his own carrot dog and covering it in relish. “You won’t find many meat eaters anymore, Sombra. How about some peanuts, instead? I know Bad Dude brought some along and they’re a good source of protein.”

Sombra rolled his eyes. “I’ll settle with hay fries, then. Never been a fan of nuts.”

“Neither have I,” Tirek spoke, hurriedly glancing in Discord’s direction when he wasn’t looking.

After everyone grabbed a plate, they all took a seat around the table. For a while, they only sat and chewed quietly, enjoying the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. Bad Dude tried to focus on his carrot dog—which Tirek had grilled to perfection, he found. Sadly, he just had too much on his mind at the time.

Bad Dude had never had a better time than over the last few weeks. He’d made new friends that seemed to actually care about him; his schoolmates had surprised him by coming to his birthday party; the worst pony at his school had said he was sorry about how he’d treated him in the past. Truly, he never felt so wanted in his life.

But tomorrow was C.U.T.E.’s first real mission together and he couldn’t help but worry about how it might all end. There was a good chance they would succeed, but also a small possibility of failure. What would happen if they lost? How would his parents react if they were defeated and his real identity became public? He might end up grounded. Or worse—forced to clean out the donut fryer in the shop. They wouldn’t take away his comic books, would they?

And what would happen if C.U.T.E. did succeed? Would that mean one of them would try and leave now that they’d all gotten what they wanted? Or if the heroes were officially out of the picture, would one of the turn on the rest of them because there now stood less opposition in the way?

Bad Dude took another tentative bite of his carrot dog and swallowed. These were a lot of serious thoughts for someone so young to ponder about. He almost wished he could talk Discord, Sombra, Chrysalis, and Tirek all out of it—consider the potential risks versus rewards and simply remain as friends and leave it at that.

But wasn’t that the reason they were all there to begin with? Because they were villains and villains never thought about failure until it happened? They only laughed and giggled and somehow stayed positive even in the face of overwhelming odds?

And wasn’t there a little part of Bad Dude that still wondered just how far this could go?

I mean, he thought to himself oddly, even if we took over Ponyville at some point, it’s not like I couldn’t still be friends with everyone at my school. I’d just be that ‘cool’ kid that owns the town or something.

“So, first thing’s first,” Chrysalis announced, breaking the peaceful silence around them. “What do we know about the Princesses? Celestia and Luna?”

Before answering, Discord shoved an entire chocolate éclair into his mouth and swallowed it without chewing. “They’ve both been released from hospital days ago and thus far only Celestia has made any public appearances. She seems… fine, I guess. I can’t say she looks pale or anything because that’s how she always looks. Luna on the other hoof…”

That last sentence pulled Bad Dude out of his thoughts. “What about Princess Luna?”

“She’s been MIA, so to speak,” Discord continued. “Back to her old duties, but little else. Ponies say she’s still weak, but I hardly doubt that’s truly what’s going on here.”

“Think she’s planning a counter strike?” Sombra asked from across the table.

Discord pursed his lips. “Possibly, but doubtful. She’d have to know where we were first or where we’d strike and nobody knows that. The other possibility is that Bad Dude got to her.”

Bad Dude could only gasp at him. “You mean she’s thinking about becoming Nightmare Moon again?”

Discord shook his head. “No, quite the opposite. Luna might feel sad and withdrawn by what you said; being asked to join our little group. She doesn’t seem like the type to hold onto what she did in the past in high regard.”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened. “I didn’t mean to make her feel bad! I just thought… I just thought she’d make a good fit, is all.”

“I wouldn’t feel too bad about it, Bad Dude,” Discord told him earnestly. “Honestly, I never expected Luna to jump at the chance of joining us—you only seemed so eager to bake more snacks that corresponded with pony’s names again that I let you go visit her.”

Bad Dude’s shoulders slumped and he absently picked at some of the hay fries on his plate.

But what if Discord was wrong about why Luna was remaining in the dark all of a sudden? he thought to himself.

Sombra leaned across the table towards Bad Dude. “Have you managed to learn anything from those fillies you waste your time with yet, Bad Dude?”

Bad Dude gave a nod. “Yeah, actually. Like… Apple Bloom’s favorite type of apple is honey crisp. And Sweetie Belle can actually sing loud enough to shatter glass. And Scootaloo—”

“I meant something important,” Sombra interrupted. “About the Elements, perhaps? Or the Princesses?”

“Oh. Right.” Bad Dude had to think for a moment. “Well, as far as I’ve heard, Celestia is still in Canterlot and going over everything she missed out on since being stuck in the hospital. And the Elements have divided themselves up to help cover all the ground they can because they really don’t know where we’ll appear next.”

Tirek finished off his carrot dog and began fixing himself another. “Where do they think we will go next?”

“Either Ponyville, Canterlot, or the Crystal Empire,” Bad Dude said. “There was talk of attack on other dimensions because Discord’s with us, but there wasn’t really much they could do about that.”

Discord scratched his chin with a claw. “Any idea which Element of Harmony is where?”

Bad Dude had to shake his head. “They didn’t say, but I couldn’t imagine Apple Bloom’s or Sweetie Belle’s sisters leaving them behind. They might’ve stayed behind in Ponyville.”

“Then that means we need to hit fast and hit hard,” Sombra spoke, his eyes focused on the picnic table as if deep in thought. “Has your hive been practicing its drills, Chrysalis?”

Chrysalis nodded. “Day and night. They’re ready and anxious. Our defeat years ago only made them more excited to try again—especially with Bad Dude on our side.”

Sombra settled his eyes on Discord. “And you? How goes our transportation?”

Discord snickered at him. “Seriously? I haven’t even started.”

Leaning across the table, Sombra bared his teeth at him. “Do you mean to test me, dragon, or do you speak the truth? I’ll have you know we plan on attacking tomorrow! So—”

Discord yawned, then snapped his claws together. “There. Finished. Now stop yapping like an excited dog and save your strength.”

Sombra barked out a single laugh. “I have gathered much of my former strength since exiting that cave I called a home. I will be more than ready for tomorrow.”

“Super,” Discord said dryly, before he took his double hay burger and pitched it far into the ocean. “Tirek, maybe try not sucking for once? I mean, I know grilling things can be hard, but—”

Tirek made Bad Dude and them jolt as he slammed his hands onto the table, causing the wood to crack. He swiftly got to his hooves to point a sharp finger at Discord.

“I have had enough, Discord!” he roared. “Your childish antics are useless here! Do you not realize what a golden opportunity this is? Never before have so many strong individuals worked together for a single common goal—and what is it that you try and do? Annoy them enough to want to leave?”

Tirek took a few steps towards Discord beside the picnic bench, growing a full foot taller as he made his way to him.

“Yes, I betrayed you,” Tirek spoke clearly. “I know what I did, and I’ve come to regret that. I lost that day because I betrayed you and I’ve come to understand that. So why are you so adamant on destroying this group before it’s even had a chance to begin? Or is it that you’re actually afraid of winning?”

Discord, still seated, stared up at him quizzically. “You seem taller than before? You bought yourself some lifts or something?”

Tirek smirked. “That must be it. Deep down, you don’t want to win, do you? Because if you did end up winning once and for all, you’d have no one left to sprinkle that useless chaos of yours onto. Isn’t that right?”

Discord brought a claw up to his lips to think. “You know that expression ‘forgive and forget’? Neither do I. And did anyone tell you about that piece of lettuce stuck in your—”

That was when Tirek punched Discord squarely in the face, causing bone and teeth to shatter and for Discord’s muzzle to basically cave in on itself. Afterwards, Discord deflated to the ground like a popped balloon and moved not a muscle.

Tirek stared at his spit-covered fist. “I will never wash this hand again.”

Chrysalis rose from the table in alarm. “So you are bigger… and obviously stronger too. Where did you get that magic from, Tirek?”

Tirek tried to hide his grin before turning to her. “I took a bit from each of your little helpers. Not enough to hurt them, I swear.”

“From my children? Tic, Tac, and Toe?” she asked with rising anger.

Tirek nodded. “I became curious what sorts of magic changelings held within them while you were all at Bad Dude’s party. Turns out there are types of usable magic inside almost all creatures.”

Chrysalis snarled at him. “If you ever touch my children again, I will finish you once and for all! You hear me, Tirek? You crossed a line by doing what you did.”

Tirek gave her the slightest of nods, flexing his hand. “Understood, my Queen. Won’t happen again, I promise. I only felt the need to… shall we say, put Discord in his place for once?”

“Well,” Chrysalis grumbled, “can’t blame someone for wanting to punch Discord in the face, but… you still went about this the wrong way. Steal magic from Discord or other ponies—not my children. Understood?”

While all this was going on, Bad Dude climbed down from the table and trotted over to the sprawled out Discord. It almost looked as if all the contents inside his face had been pulverized into mashed potatoes.

“Discord?” Bad Dude asked meekly. “You okay?”

“Why, never better!” Discord replied, all too clearly.

That caused Bad Dude and the rest of them to turn around and watch as Discord re-entered the scene with a melting ice cream in his paw. He glanced at them all with the grimiest smile Bad Dude had ever seen him with.

“We still all focusing on Tirek’s little tantrum?” Discord asked, waving a claw. “Sorry, Tirek. Better luck next time. But in the time it took for your fist to connect with my face, I was able to slow down time, create a life-like duplicate, stick it in place, realize my duplicate was far too sexy to get pulverized, made out with it a bit, created a lesser version to put in its place and get an ice cream cone!”

Tirek sighed, glancing at the Discord duplicate on the ground. “Still, it was cathartic enough. I shall relive that ‘smack’ sound every night for the rest of my days.”

In one large gulp, Discord devoured the rest of his cone. “Suit yourself, goat boy. I’m going swimming. Maybe I’ll put some sand in that sleeping pegasus’ swimsuit before I do. After I find my water wings first, of course!”

After Discord hurried off towards the water, Bad Dude caught sight of Sombra and Chrysalis walking in the opposite direction of their table. Bad Dude held a hoof out to them. “Chrysalis! Wait! You didn’t have any lunch! Did you want a hug, instead?”

Chrysalis turned to smile at him. “No, thank you, Bad Dude. I’m actually quite full. But I’m sure my children could still use a snack.”

Chrysalis barely finished her sentence before Bad Dude felt a light tap on his back. Turning, he found Tic, Tac, and Toe staring up at him with an almost pleading expression.

Honestly, there was really no way Bad Dude could say no to that. So he pounced on the closest one to start wrestling with them in the sand.

“You nervous?” Chrysalis asked, her face less than an inch away from Sombra’s.

“About tomorrow?” he replied, flashing a devilish grin. “I’m more excited than anything. We’ve spent too long playing childish games. It’s about time we revealed ourselves to Equestria.” He sighed out contently. “Oh, how I miss the sounds of hundreds of ponies screaming all at once.”

Chrysalis raised a brow. “You’re much weirder than I thought you’d be. But that’s all right—normalcy’s overrated anyways.” She gave his cheek a kiss and slid a hoof along his chest.

Once they’d left the picnic area on the beach, the two of them settled down in a thick of trees to lay down next to each other. They’d already had numerous one on one discussions since being introduced several weeks ago.

“You believe this team will last?” Chrysalis spoke openly, nuzzling her head into the crook of his neck. “I mean, for the long term?”

Sombra thought on that. “Not really. What happens once we’ve conquered everything there is to conquer? We all become friends and live happily ever after?”

“That’s what Bad Dude would want us to do.”

Sombra exhaled slowly. “There will always be someone that wants more than the other one does. That’s why I think this would’ve worked better as a three-piece. I could’ve gotten my slaves back and your hive could’ve looked after my empire while feeding off of its citizens. Then you and I could’ve ruled over this whole world as King and Queen.”

Chrysalis looked up at him. “And Bad Dude?”

“We would adopt Prince Bad Dude, naturally. I’ve always wanted an heir to call my own.”

“And what of Discord and Tirek?” Chrysalis asked after a pause.

Sombra hugged Chrysalis tighter to his torso and laughed. “One of them is bound to destroy the other eventually. And when the dust settles? That’ll only leave one more left to deal with.”

Author's Notes:

Whoa. Some heavy stuff indeed.

I mean, did Bad Dude ever finish that sand castle of his? Did that pegasus on the beach ever notice the sand it their swimsuit? Did Tirek ever go on to wash that hand of his?

This story's getting complicated.

Prelude To Crumbs

“What about the Equestrian Villain Incarceration League?” Apple Bloom asked, as she looked over Sweetie Belle’s progress on the length of fabric she was working on.

Sweetie Belle mumbled something Apple Bloom couldn’t understand—it must’ve been hard trying to talk with three sewing pins tightly pressed between your teeth.

At the other end of the room, Scootaloo continued to struggle into her costume. The costume in question was a mixture of red-and-yellow with streaks of black lightning bolts across it. Once she got the tight fabric around her torso and shoulders, she unfurled her wings and gave them a quick flap.

Scootaloo grimaced. “These wing holes might need to be a bit bigger, Sweetie Belle. There’s hardly any room for them.” She did a quick trot around the room, giving the costume a test run. “But the rest fits fine, I think. Are we going to have masks or anything?”

Sweetie Belle mumbled out another garbled response.

“Protecting Organization Of Ponyville?” Apple Bloom suggested, although no one seemed to be listening at the time.

When Sweetie Belle finished the last stitch on the fabric, she spat out the pins and turned to Scootaloo. “I was thinking we could wear those masks like they wear at all those fancy parties. It would help keep our identities a secret while not messing up our manes.”

Scootaloo nodded in approval. “That could work. And we could each decorate our own. Mine could even have more lightning bolts coming out the sides! Got any rhinestones handy?”

Sweetie Belle ushered Apple Bloom over to a stool in the center of the room to stand on. The moment she could, Sweetie Belle began pulling the fabric she had just been working on over her friend’s head and up her back legs. She informed Apple Bloom, “I left your hooves free because I kinda thought you’d be the bruiser of the group. It’s up to you if you want a cape, although that might just get in the way if you’re doing crazy flips or jumps.”

Apple Bloom shot her a weary glance. “What makes you think I can do flips? And why do I need to be the bruiser on the team?”

Scootaloo took a step towards them. “Because you’re the only Earth pony on the team and you buck apples for a living. You gotta admit, it makes sense. And if any one of us are going to go hoof to hoof with Bad Dude or his team, it’ll probably be you.” When Apple Bloom didn’t reply right away, Scootaloo added awkwardly, “I mean, while Sweetie Belle gives you magic support and I do whatever I end up doing.”

Apple Bloom grumbled as Sweetie Belle wrestled around with her costume, trying her best to make it fit. Apple Bloom asked casually, “How ‘bout the Brigade of Adjudicating Defenders Giving Unruly Yahoos the Smackdown?”

Sweetie Belle grimaced at the thought. “How are we supposed to memorize all that, Apple Bloom? I think by the time we finish saying who we are, the bad guys will already be finished with what they were trying to do in the first place.”

“True,” Apple Bloom admitted. “Say, now that I think of it, how’s Rarity taking us starting this villain defense team? I mentioned it to Applejack once and she told me it was a terrible idea and to leave it to her. Since then, I’ve sort of ‘forgotten’ to mention it.”

Sweetie Belle stitched up a section of cloth and looked downcast. “I… might’ve done the same. Rarity keeps saying her and her friends can handle it and that she doesn’t want us getting hurt. But what’s so wrong about wanting to help? I mean, if a colt like Bad Dude can be a real super villain, then why can’t three fillies like us be real super heroes?”

“Because we don’t have magic rainbows shooting out of our eyes,” Scootaloo stated bluntly. “Not that I’m saying all heroes need super powers; I’m only saying Twilight and her friends sort-of have a leg up on us in the department of magical rainbow shooting powers.”

Sweetie Belle finished her last adjustment to Apple Bloom’s costume and took a step back. “What do you think, Apple Bloom?”

Atop the stool, Apple Bloom looked down and titled her head from side to side to see. As Scootaloo’s costume was made of a more shimmery fabric, hers was made from basic purple and blue cloth with a dark violet belt around the middle. The simple design and fabric made for the maximum amount of maneuverability.

“It’s fine,” Apple Bloom said. “It’s nice. I was never really interested in a costume, if I’m being honest. I only want to help my sister out.”

Sweetie Belle turned around to Scootaloo. “When you said Apple Bloom’s the bruiser of the team, you didn’t mean she’s actually going to hit Bad Dude, did you?”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Well, yeah, how else are we supposed to defeat all the villains in Equestria?”

“Using words?” Sweetie Belle suggested meekly. “Doesn’t Twilight mostly use words to solve her problems?”

“I don’t know, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said smugly, “I don’t remember Tirek getting a whole lot of ‘words’ from Princess Twilight Sparkle. I think it was actually a lot more punches to the face, actually.”

Sweetie Belle angrily stomped a hoof against the floor. “That’s not a good example, Apple Bloom! Tirek is nothing like Bad Dude! Bad Dude’s just… I think if we could talk to him, we’d be able to convince him that what he’s doing is wrong. He can’t honestly want to rule the world, right? He’s our age!”

Apple Bloom hopped off her stool and came to her. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Sweet Glaze, would it? I know you two have been playing together recently and I know he never shuts up about Bad Dude…”

Apple Bloom let her statement hang in the air as Sweetie Belle blushed.

Scootaloo jolted in front of them. “Say… doesn’t Sweet Glaze sort of look like Bad Dude? Like a lot like Bad Dude?”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “No, I already asked him about that. He said he doesn’t like capes and actually likes bows.”

Apple Bloom gasped in surprise. “Bows? Did you tell him that’s my thing?”

“I got it!” Scootaloo exclaimed, running to the blackboard attached to the wall to write it down. “The Group of Robust Outstandingly Spunky Superheroes!”

Sweetie Belle raised a brow. “Why does every team name need to be so long? The Elements of Harmony is only four words for Celestia’s sake!”

“So no League Of Stylish Extra Radical Superheroes?” Scootaloo asked, piece of chalk in hoof.

“Universally Good League of International Excellent Righteousness?” Apple Bloom suggested timidly. “Victorious Institution of Lessening Evils?”

In a pout, Sweetie Belle collapsed to the floor and held her head in a hoof. “We’ve spent days on a name and now they’re just getting longer than ever! We could’ve been helping ponies by now!”

“But how can we help ponies if we don’t have an awesome name?” Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie Belle sighed. “Fine. I vote for Equestrian Villain Incarceration League.” She held up a foreleg to show her seriousness.

The other two did the same and cheered happily afterwards. Sweetie Belle considerably less.

By the black board, Scootaloo crossed off all the other possible names and circled the one they’d settled on. Then she dropped the chalk and hovered in the air for a few moments with her wings. “Glad that’s settled. Now if only we knew where C.U.T.E. was going to strike next. Any ideas, Sweetie Belle?”

“Not really,” Sweetie Belle admitted dourly. “Rarity and Applejack stayed in Ponyville to keep an eye on us; Twilight and Fluttershy went to Canterlot to help Celestia get things under control again; Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went to the Crystal Empire to stand guard. C.U.T.E. could hit anywhere and we wouldn’t even be able to protect our friends because they’d be so far away.” She hung her head down.

Apple Bloom wrapped a reassuring hoof around her shoulders “There’s always a chance they don’t hit any of those places, right? They could… I dunno, be at the beach or something!”

Scootaloo shook her head. “They were already at the beach yesterday—scared off a bunch of ponies while they were there. That means C.U.T.E.’s well-rested and possibly suntanned.”

Apple Bloom shot daggers at her over Sweetie Belle’s head.

“What?” Scootaloo blurted. “Just telling you what I heard!” Then she went to go stand by the window looking out of Carousel Boutique—her ears flattening against the top of her head as she did. “Girls? You might want to take a look at this.”

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom trotted over to stand beside her, their ears following suit as their pupils shrunk.

Scootaloo spoke quietly, “Looks like it might rain. That means we can’t play outside this afternoon. That kinda sucks.”

With a sigh, Sweetie Belle turned towards the door. “Guess we’d better get Rarity’s patio stuff inside. What a terrible day this is turning out to be.”

“Oh, crumbs,” Princess Cadence muttered, when she reached across her desk and accidently knocked her ink jar over. Luckily, she caught it with her aura before it could spill and shoved it out of reach. She ran a hoof through her slightly rumpled mane. That morning, she was supposed to see her usual mane dresser, but passed on the visit. There was too much going on at the moment, she found. Far too much.

Shining Armor entered her study and quietly closed the door behind him. “You still doing that whole ‘crumbs’ thing?”

Cadence sighed. “If you spend enough time around impressionable foals, you learn not to use harsh language when you get mad. ‘Crumbs’ is a nice substitute. It can be both a light swear word and a harsh swear word. It all depends on how you say it.”

Crossing the room, Shining stopped by her desk to look over her numerous mounds of papers and scrolls. “And what level of ‘crumbs’ is this, then?”

“Light crumbs,” Cadence answered with a huff. “We’re spending way too much on fresh imported lemons. It won’t bankrupt us anytime soon, but it’s not great either.”

Awkwardly, Shining settled a bit of his plot on the section of desk that was free. “Maybe we could have less lemonade stands, then? You have to admit—we have more than enough.”

Cadence looked up at him with a frown. “But ponies love the lemonade stands, Shining! They tell me about it everyday!” She rested her head on a hoof. “Maybe we should be looking into alternative juice drink possibilities. I can’t recall, but does anyone like grapefruit juice anymore?”

Shining left a large pause before speaking; resting his hoof atop of hers on the desk. “You sure this is what we should be most concerned about right now, Cadence? Lemon import prices? Any moment now, C.U.T.E. could be—”

“I know what they could do, Shining,” Cadence cut in sharply. “But we’ve already done everything we can. Our Empire is secure, or as secure as it can get. All we can do now is hope and wait and continue on like everything’s fine—because for all we know, everything is fine. There’s always a chance they won’t do anything at all.”

“There’s always a chance they’ll hit Canterlot first,” Shining added, a bit dreamily.

Cadence furrowed her brows at that. “You don’t seem all that troubled by the notion, Shining. Your sister is there, remember?”

“I know,” Shining replied lightly, “but you ever notice how it’s usually Twilight that stops the villains? Yeah, we all help and everything, but for the most part it’s up to Twilight. She’s just really good at that whole villain stopping thing, you know?”

Slowly, Cadence narrowed her eyes at him. “So you’re hoping Canterlot is attacked first so your sister can take care of them all before anyone else has to?”

Shining Armor’s lips thinned as he looked away from her. “I didn’t say that. You did.”

“You just don’t want to get beat up again. First Sombra, then Discord, then Tirek—”

Shining shifted his plot on her desk to knock over Cadence’s ink jar. “Oh, crumbs! Clumsy me. Guess we’ll need to clean this up before continuing this conversation!”

The doors to Cadence’s study rushed open as Rainbow Dash flew inside, followed by Pinkie Pie bouncing close by her side. By the beaten expression on Rainbow Dash’s face, it was clear Pinkie Pie hadn’t stopped talking to her ever since they’d arrived by train only a few days ago.

“I got it!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “The absolute perfect team name! The Critical Undesirable Neutralization Te—”

Gritting her teeth, Rainbow Dash whirled on her. “Why would we even need a team name, Pinkie!? We already have one! The Elements of Harmony! Works fine for me!”

“Aw!” Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing for a moment. “Why does Bad Dude get to have all the fun? Team names, breaking ponies out of prison, beach vacations…”

Pinkie Pie rambled on as Rainbow Dash strolled over to Cadence and Shining. She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Checked in with the guards. Things seem fine. We’ve been screening any new ponies entering the Empire and are pretty sure they haven’t let in any changeling or draconequus in disguise. Your unicorns seem pretty certain about it.”

Shining gave her a nod. “Thanks, Rainbow Dash. Glad you two could make it here and help out. Any word on how Canterlot is doing?”

Rainbow Dash gave him an awkward stare. “Fine, I guess. Haven’t gotten a letter from Twilight since yesterday and all that one said was that Luna was acting a bit moody.”

Shining leaned a few inches towards her. “So no news about sudden attacks happening there or anything?”

Growing tired of his questions, Cadence gently nudged the bit of Shining’s rump on her desk until he fell to the floor in a heap. When Shining swore aloud, Cadence corrected him by saying, “Crumbs, dear.”

To which Shining dryly replied, “Go crumb yourself, sweetie.”

A loud spring noise pulled at them all. Pinkie Pie had begun bouncing up and down again around the study’s wide window, gasping at what she saw.

“I told you Bad Dude gets to have all the fun!” Pinkie Pie yelled, her bulging eyes nearly rubbing against the glass. “Who gets to ride around in a flying ship!? Or is that more like a sail boat? Or am I thinking of a frigate?”

All humor in the room disappeared in an instant as Cadence, Shining, and Rainbow Dash hurried to the window. As Rainbow Dash’s and Shining’s jaws dropped, Cadence instead pursed her lips and quietly answered Pinkie’s question. “Those are frigates, Pinkie. A lot of them, in fact.”

Above the Crystal Empire, in the cloudless blue sky, was a sudden armada of floating wooden ships. Several meters across and with immensely tall white sails, each flying vessel was powered by a giant metal propeller at its back. At their sides, rows upon rows of black cannons had been set up with heavy cannonballs ready to fire… although Cadence didn’t think for a single second that they actually planned on attacking the Crystal Empire with only mere cannonballs—not with Discord and Tirek being a part of their group.

The six or so ships stopped soundlessly in the air and waited a moment. Next, a large electric crack echoed clear across the Empire and in the center of the sky appeared a rectangular screen as big as all the ships combined.

On the screen was one smiling face: Bad Dude’s.

“Hello!” Bad Dude greeted warmly, giving them all a wave. “I’m Bad Dude! And I’m here with my friends—the Coalition of United Terrible Evils. You might have heard of us! Anyways, we’re here to take over, so if you could all please surrender… I mean, only if that’s okay with you—”

Out of the corner of the screen appeared a black muzzle that whispered something into Bad Dude’s ear. After a moment, Bad Dude nodded and faced the entire Empire again.

“Never mind!” he said a tad embarrassed. “Turns out we’ll be taking over whether you want us to or not. But I’m sure we’ll be really good rulers, so don’t worry! We’re even going to have an after party to celebrate!”

On the other side of the screen, a second muzzle that was clearly Discord’s entered to whisper something else into Bad Dude’s ear. Again, Bad Dude nodded before continuing his speech.

“So make sure you hold onto your wristbands when we hoof them out after the battle,” Bad Dude cautioned. “If you don’t have your wristbands with you, then that means you can’t enter the after party. I’m sorry to be so tough, but I’m told we need to make some rules otherwise we might have capacity issues and I just really want everyone to have a good time. I even made cookies and everything! See?”

Then he held a tray of chocolate chip cookies for all of the Empire to see—including Pinkie Pie, who was close to licking the glass in front of her due to how much tongue she had hanging out. Angrily, she pushed open the windows to yell into the air.

“Bad Dude!” she roared, almost as loud as Bad Dude’s amplified voice had sounded. “Mark my words! I will find you and I will snuggle the crap out of you! And eat your cookies, too! Before this day is through I WILL CUDDLE YOU!”

Breathing heavy, Cadence turned to Shining Armor. “We have to move. Now.”

Shining nodded absently. “You’re right. We need to get a pair of those wristbands before they run out of them. Those cookies looked great.”

Cadence stared at him deadpan. “Shining! C.U.T.E. is here to take over!”

Shining shrugged. “But you got to admit, Cadence, Bad Dude’s pretty darn adorable. He might even be a good ruler. Think he’d let us read stories to him before bed?”

With a hardened hoof, Cadence smacked Shining hard across the face. “Pull yourself together!”

Shining held a hoof up to his reddened cheek. “What happened? Suddenly, I just wanted to give in to his demands… damn that colt is cute! He just asked for something and I was more than willing to give it to him!”

Cadence shook her head gravely. “Bad Dude isn’t a fighter—he’s a manipulator. I honestly don’t want to hurt that colt, but I do want to silence him as fast as we can. The rest of C.U.T.E. can wait.”

“Easier said than done,” Rainbow Dash mumbled behind her.

Outside, Bad Dude continued to address the city. “Before we get started, I have a very special guest I want you all to meet! Some of you might even remember him!”

That was when Bad Dude exited the screen and King Sombra took his place, his nostrils flaring and with purple vapor pouring from both his brightly glowing eyes. Cadence could hear ponies down in the streets let out a series of hurried screams.

“Greetings, my loyal subjects,” Sombra started coolly, “so nice to see you all again. Have you missed me? I’ve missed you. Better fill up on all the fresh-squeezed lemonade while you can—I hear it’s going to be a scorcher today.”

Shining shut his eyes for a moment. “I’m going to go get suited up and alert the guards. On a scale of ‘crumbs’ to ‘crumbs’, how bad do you think this is going to be, Cadence?”

For the longest while, Cadence’s eyes went from her husband and back to the fleet of floating frigates outside. After taking a deep breath, she told him earnestly:

“I think we’re in deep sh—”

Author's Notes:

So, that ends the "Introductory" arc of this story. Possibly 1/4 of the entire thing, meaning this could be one very long story by the end.

I'm going to be a terrible person now and take a short break from Bad Dude to write a few one-shots I've been meaning to get to. Can't eat nothing but sugar all the time, can I?

Rest assured, I'll be back to blow things up very, very soon. Crumbs everywhere, I promise.

Empire Emergency (Part One)

“We have thirty minutes until help arrives,” Princess Cadence spoke softly as one of her assistants helped her don her sparkling white-and-pink armor. “That’s the fastest reaction time we’ve had—using both teleportation and spells. I’ve just sent the message to Canterlot.”

Rainbow Dash stood beside her, clad in a simple lightweight helmet. When asked if she wanted anymore protection, she had scoffed at the idea. She wanted the best mobility she could get with absolutely nothing hindering her wings.

She turned to Cadence. “So Twilight, Celestia, Luna, and the rest of our friends… thirty minutes away?” Rainbow Dash chuckled dryly. “Easy! I’ll just find this ‘Bad Dude’ kid, tell him what’s what and then end of story! Twilight and the Princesses should arrive just in time for a late lunch.”

Cadence didn’t appear as confident as Rainbow Dash, pursing her lips and rarely taking her eyes off the window. The six large frigates still floated ominously in the sky overhead—silent and unmoving besides the metal propellers at their rears.

“It’s okay if you’re scared, Rainbow Dash,” Cadence consoled her. “I am nervous, as well. You don’t have to put up a tough front just for me. Never before have we been up against such opposition. At the moment, the plan is simply to stall them as best we can. Then once my fellow Princesses arrive, we can formulate a new plan—a better plan—and possibly defeat this C.U.T.E. menace once and for all.”

Rainbow Dash cocked a brow. “Who? Me? Nervous?” She laughed again—a tad forcefully. “Okay, maybe I’m a bit nervous. But we’ve never lost a fight before, right? I can’t see it happening now.”

“I can!” Pinkie Pie happily exclaimed next to them, bouncing on the spot. “Can’t you feel it, Rainbow Dash? Can’t you feel the winds of change!?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “The windows are all closed in here, Pinkie.”

This didn’t stop Pinkie Pie from blowing into Rainbow Dash’s face while ruffling her mane. “It’s just like one of those adventure books of yours! In the first act—the heroes lose! And then in the second act—the heroes lose again! But then in the third act—”

“We get it, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash cut in sharply.

Pinkie Pie’s ears flattened. “What? I was only going to say that in the third act, there’s usually that sad part where all the heroes suddenly hate each other for no good reason and only come together again before the final act. Think this’ll work out like that?” She thought on that for a moment. “Then again, this is real life and not a storybook… so there’s a good chance we might all be defeated, enslaved, or killed at some point today. Or all three. Hopefully in that order.”

Rainbow Dash roughly gave Pinkie’s shoulders a shake. “Knock that off, Pinkie! None of that’s helping!”

“Rainbow Dash is right,” Shining Armor added, as he strode into the room having properly suited up in his light-blue and silver armor. In a scabbard attached to his side, he held a sharpened sword. “Negative talk will get us nowhere. We have to concentrate on what we can do and stick to it. Thirty minutes from now, help should arrive and then we’ll be in a better position to defend this place. But, remember, we are not without help—the Crystal Empire has hundreds of highly trained guards and security measures already in place. I don’t plan for this to be a one-sided fight.” He asked Cadence, “Any luck with a new shield to delay them with? I know they’ve crossed into the Empire already…”

Glumly, Cadence shook her head. “No such luck. Every time I try expanding a new shield in front of one of their ships, I only get an error message in my head telling me to hang up and try my call again later.”

“Discord?” Shining ventured.

“Discord,” Cadence agreed. “His power is the most frightening of them all. I’m sure if he wanted to he could teleport each and every one of us out of here and lay claim to the Empire in mere seconds.”

“So what’s stopping him?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Cadence sighed. “Because it would be boring to him, I’d imagine. So, sadly, that makes him our biggest advantage and disadvantage going into this battle. I can’t fathom Discord assisting his group unless completely necessary. I’m sure he’d rather merely sit back and enjoy the show.”

“Oh!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “Think he’d let me watch with him? Discord always makes the best popcorn. And have you ever sat on that couch of his? I mean, talk about comfy—”

Rainbow Dash shoved a hoof into Pinkie Pie’s mouth, silencing her. “You’re on our side, remember?”

Still with hoof in mouth, Pinkie Pie nodded, then licked Rainbow Dash’s hoof until she retrieved it back. Afterwards, Pinkie Pie tasted her lips. “Yum! Tastes like floor… and cleaning wax.”

Sighing, Rainbow Dash planted a hard hoof to her forehead. “We should just hoof Pinkie Pie over to them. Five minutes with her and I’m sure they’ll surrender unconditionally.”

Shining Armor scratched his chin. “Mark that as Plan B. For now, we defend this place as best we can and hope that reinforcements arrive soon. Hopefully, C.U.T.E. has no idea what we’re planning.”

“So we have thirty minutes, eh?” Discord asked snidely on the bridge of C.U.T.E.’s main frigate. Currently, he had an eye patch over one eye and a silver hook where his eagle’s claw used to be. “Then Sun-butt and Moon-butt and Book-butt and the Leftovers of Harmony arrive. I don’t like those odds. Maybe time to pack it in and give up?”

Queen Chrysalis regarded him dryly by the ship’s edge. She leaned over the wooden railing to glance down below at all the scurrying ponies underneath. “The worst part about the way you speak is that I can never tell whether you’re actually serious or not. It all sounds the same to me.”

Discord gave her a grin and joined her on the railing. “That’s because I’m always serious while always joking. It makes my standup routine that much more painful for those I’m making fun of. You ever hear my bit about Tirek in a wood chipper?”

Chrysalis sighed. “No, and I don’t want to, either.”

Discord waved his hook hand at her. “That’s fine. That’s basically the whole joke anyways.”

“What are you two doing!?” Sombra shouted from behind them, making them both turn around to face him. “You know how much time we’re wasting just standing around and talking? We have twenty-five minutes to secure my Empire otherwise we revert to Plan B. Or did you both forget that somehow?”

Discord sneezed after he stuck the tip of his hook up his nose. “Oh, Sombra. We were only giving them a chance to surrender like Bad Dude asked them to. And by the looks of it…”

Discord leaned over the ship’s edge to catch a dozen guards busily trotting into formation, setting up wooden catapults next to heavy stacks of rocks and other projectiles. Other teams of guards hurriedly ushered more Empire citizens and tourists through doors that led to holds deep underground, before slamming the doors shut and locking them tight. Thousands of frantically trotting ponies still littered the streets, though. On a ledge beside the Crystal Empire’s barracks stood a full team of armored pegasi currently getting a pep talk from their captain—Discord could make out the multi-colored Rainbow Dash amongst the ranks.

“And by the looks of it,” Discord continued, “they will not be surrendering to us anytime soon.”

With a loud click, Sombra snapped his jaws together. “Good. I had wanted to fight today. Finally, I’ll get to show this Empire what King Sombra can really do! No baby dragon will stop me now!” He then said much quieter to Discord, “There’s no baby dragons in the Empire at the moment, right? Or full-grown ones?”

Discord shook his head. “Not to worry, my fuzzy-faced friend. Spike’s safely in Canterlot, meaning the only dragon you have to worry about here is me. But thankfully, we’re such good friends that you should have nothing to worry about. Right?”

Sombra grumbled lowly, “Acquaintances at best, dragon. I’d gladly ignore you at a dinner party if it meant getting even a single inch closer to the snack table.”

Bad Dude surprised Sombra from behind as he leapt onto his back, making Sombra grunt. “Isn’t this great, guys? Our first real mission together! Are you all having fun yet?”

Using a hoof, Sombra absently patted Bad Dude on the head. “Yes, yes, much fun, Bad Dude, but we should be getting started. We only have minutes to secure this place and have already wasted several of them. That means we start the cannons at once and send in the C.U.T.E. army.” He swiftly turned to Chrysalis. “Ready for sweet, sweet revenge, my dear?”

In response, Chrysalis gave him a fiendish grin. “I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since Cadence and Shining sent me flying through the air. And I’m sure my children have, too.”

One of the generals in the Empire’s guard led his battalion around a corner and up a street, dodging in-between running citizens while directing them on where to go. Before, he’d ordered that a string of guards be set in place along the roads to easily guide ponies into the Empire’s numerous holds. So far, it had been working fine—great even, if the general wished to get cocky about it.

“Go! Go!” the general shouted, as another wave of retreating crystal ponies rushed towards him. He used a foreleg to usher them to other guards. “Get to the shelter and await instructions! No suitcases, either! What do you think this is? A vacation?”

The general was about to grab the overstuffed bag off a passing unicorn when he heard the first cannon blast. He turned his attention towards the sky just in time to narrowly dodge the projectile that missed him and instead clobbered the unicorn with the bag. The flying two-foot wide circle of sticky toffee effortlessly tossed the unicorn to the wall behind them and stuck them there—their overstuffed bag lay forgotten on the ground.

The general looked up the street to see another nine ponies trapped in their own individual balls of sticky substances: toffee, nougat, fudge, caramel, marshmallows. Even a few unaware guards had been hit by the projectiles and trapped in place.

One of his guards was about to touch the gooey substance holding a pony before he yelled at them. “No! Horns only! You touch that you’ll just get stuck too!” That was when the mound of toffee trapping the unicorn spread out to touch the guard standing close to it—first grabbing hold of their hoof before pooling over the rest of them. He, too, was now trapped to the wall alongside the unicorn.

The general swore under his breath, before a second wave of cannon fire made him yelp.

He spun around again and found himself face to face with what looked like a giant ball of well-chewed gum encased in a thick magical shield.

“Move, general! Now!” Shining Armor screamed, using his horn to hold the sticky ball at bay. He bared his teeth in concentration, until the general moved far enough to let the ball of gum splatter against a house with no casualties.

Shining let out a shaky breath. “Make sure every group of guards has a couple of unicorns with them. You’ll need them to deflect whatever those cannons end up firing.”

The general couldn’t hide his relief at seeing Shining Armor there. “Thank Celestia you’re here, Shining. You’ve got a plan to defeat them, don’t you? You and Princess Cadence? What am I saying? You always have a plan.”

“Of course we do,” Shining answered with a curt nod. “But, sadly, I can’t tell you what it is at the moment. Top secret. You know how it is. Very hush, hush.”

The general shook his head. “Actually, I don’t know how it is, sir. Honestly, I think it would be best if you let us in on the plan—then we could even help with it!”

Shining glanced around hurriedly. “Sorry, but I must not. Too complicated to try and explain. Just do your best, all right? And believe in yourself!”

The general’s pupils shrunk as stark realization took hold. “You don’t have a plan, do you, sir?”

At that, Shining snorted. “Of course we do! It’s…” He suddenly couldn’t look the general in the eyes. “It’s only that we try and stall them until my little sister gets here. You remember Twilight, of course.”

“Of course!” the general exclaimed. “She’s the alicorn that always ends up saving the day!”

“Quite right. So we’ll just wait for that to happen.”

“And if she doesn’t get here in time, sir?”

That question made Shining pause. “Let’s try and stay positive, okay? There’s only around a two percent chance of that happening; I took a moment to consult the Empire’s mathematician before coming out here. She also said there’s a six percent chance of an unimportant character being killed during the battle.”

“Unimportant?” the general wheezed. “Am I unimportant, sir?”

“What’s your full name?”

“General Cannon Fodder, sir.”

Shining couldn’t help but grimace. “I’ll tell your loved ones you fought bravely, general. Now if you’ll excuse me…”

With that said, Shining Armor gave his back to him and stormed up the street, deflecting bits of flying sticky material while using his horn to try and pry poor trapped ponies off of the surrounding buildings. That was when something big and black in the sky made the general shake with fear.

A cloud of black insects had streamed out of one of the floating ships, quickly headed in their direction. Once close enough, they landed on the road a few meters before them, hissing with their fangs out on display.

After a brief moment of panic, the general got himself back under control. This he could do. This he understood fine. It was time to fight. And fight hard.

He turned to face the remainder of his battalion. “These pests will give you no mercy, so don’t you dare give them any in return! Keep hitting them until they're down! Understood?”

His guards barked out a collective response, swords and shields raised high.

“Let’s get—” the general roared, before the group of changelings on the road began bursting into green flames and changing forms. Now they all took on the appearance of the small colt from the screen in the sky from before. A few of them even happily waved at the guards once they’d changed shapes.

The general shook his head. “It’s only a trick, stallions! They’re still changelings underneath it all! Don’t let them off easy.”

One of his guards trotted up to him. “But, general, what if one of them really is Bad Dude and not a changeling in disguise? I can’t harm a little kid! Even if he is a terrible villain! My wife would never look at me the same way again!”

The general cursed under his breath once again, before turning to his battalion. “Okay, stallions! Change of plans! Instead of no mercy, give them some mercy. And light taps, I guess. Nothing fatal. And, most importantly, remember Shining Armor’s wise words…”

The general screamed and led his group of guards towards the gang of Bad Dudes.

“Stay positive!”

Chrysalis rested her head on a hoof to watch the carnage below. A group of guards on a street were quickly overwhelmed by a section of her swarm, stripped of all their weapons and gear before being glued to the ground with some of her drones’ thick green mucus. After the battle, she would arrange individual pods for all of them. For now, she only needed them out of action.

She turned her attention to another section of the city, where another chunk of her children were attempting to bite through one of the Empire’s secret holds in search of all the citizens inside. Already the door was more or less in tatters. In less than a minute, they’d be inside.

“A-ha-ha! Do your worst, peasants! Your rightful King has returned at last!”

Moments ago, Sombra had dissolved into a trail of smoke and drifted into the air as an enormous pair of haunting red eyes with fangs. His smoke-form rolled through ledges full of guards, knocking them screaming to the ground below. Afterwards, Sombra returned to the air to catch any projectiles the Empire’s guards fired to their ships with their catapults before raining the debris back down upon them.

A team of guards manning a catapult ran away from one a moment before it was crushed by a large block of cement dropped from the sky. A sudden blast from one of the ship’s cannons ripped them off their hooves and into the brick wall behind them.

Chrysalis couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of it all.

So this was what if felt like to be on the winning side for once. Not that they were winning out right.

While Sombra had been occupied, a series of the Empire’s catapults had unleashed a wave of rocks that sliced through one of their ships as easily as if it were pudding. It was clear Cadence or another of their talented unicorns had placed a spell on their projectiles to have them cause the most damage possible.

The damaged ship had instantly dropped from the sky and crashed onto a row of homes down below. The changelings controlling the ship quickly abandoned it before regrouping in a neighboring frigate.

Chrysalis turned her attention to the deck of their ship, where Discord was lazily lounging around on some conjured up patio furniture—a pina colada held in the only hand he had left.

“You know, Discord,” Chrysalis growled at him, “you could’ve reinforced these ships a bit better. Some of my children might’ve just been killed because of you.”

Discord lifted up his eye patch to look at her. “And make us near unstoppable? What fun is that? You’d honestly want to start a war you know you’d win?”

Chrysalis nodded.

Discord rolled his eyes. “How droll. We’re already playing pretty unfairly, wouldn’t you agree? I mean, five heavyweights versus… what? Cadence and her leg candy?”

“Shining Armor,” Chrysalis corrected.

Discord waved his hook hand. “Whatever. They’re basically screwed anyways. They just don’t know it yet.” He flashed her a fang. “So don’t you go worrying your little insect head about anything! Take a seat! Take a load off! Watch your boy toy do his best ‘rainy day cloud’ impression and have a drink on me!”

Something out of the corner of her sight made Chrysalis eye the ground again. Near the Empire’s tower, a new catapult had been set up with another group of guards protecting it. Jumping close to it was a pink mare that appeared to be yelling at the guards while pointing at the catapult. In return, the guards all shook their heads at her.

Without looking at him, Chrysalis asked Discord, “What Elements are supposed to be in the Empire already?”

“Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash,” Discord replied.

Despite the warnings the guards appeared to have given her, the pink mare on the ground loaded herself onto their catapult and quickly pulled the lever that launched it upwards. The next moment, the pink mare was flying through the air with a horrifying look of unwavering determination set on her face.

“Bad Dude!” she screamed. “I’m coming for you!”

Chrysalis told Discord, “You might want to move the ship.”

Discord sat up in his chair. “Why?”

“Because the pink equivalent of you is headed directly at us.”

Discord rolled his eyes. “You really should say things like that sooner.” He brought his silver hook up first, before shaking his head and trading it for his lion’s paw to snap with. Instantaneously, their ship was teleported to the other side of the Empire and away from the screaming and flying mare. Sadly, another one of their ships had been set in their original place.

Pinkie Pie landed on the teleported ship and immediately began bouncing around its deck. Chrysalis could see her many drones already jumping overboard to try and get away from her.

Angrily, she faced Discord again. “Mind telling me why you had to place another one of our ships in its place instead of simply moving us?”

Discord angled his head at her. “What did we just go over? There’s fair and then there’s not fair. And then there’s what works for me and what really works for me. And you know what really works for me, Queenie?” He smiled devilishly. “When I get to not only annoy the good guys, but the bad guys at the same time! I really thought we understood each other by this point.”

Chrysalis grunted her response and watched the ship Pinkie Pie had landed on again. It looked as though the last of her drones were escaping through the cannon holes as Pinkie Pie continued her abrasive search of the ship’s interior.

“And what damage could Pinkie Pie possibly do to one of my ships?” Discord continued disinterested, a moment before the ship in question suddenly caught fire and split directly down the middle in jagged, falling bits of wood. Discord finally got up from his chair to watch as the ship violently exploded outwards in flaming fragments.

“Now that’s just silly. There wasn’t even anything explosive on that ship!” Cupping his mouth with his hook hand, Discord yelled into the air, “I’m calling shenanigans, Pinkie! You’re cheating! Don’t think I haven’t noticed! Now stop blowing up my ships this instant, young mare!”

Both Chrysalis and Discord watched the blackened remains of the ship tumble towards the ground before they were encased in a magical aura—Pinkie Pie included. One glance at the Empire tower balcony informed them that it was Cadence who had stopped the destroyed ship and Pinkie Pie from crashing to the ground.

Discord hooked a thumb in Cadence’s direction. “What a buzz kill. Am I right?”

Chrysalis’ eyes narrowed. “Right you are. Maybe it’s time I paid our Princess a little visit. Keep an eye on Bad Dude, won’t you?”

With that said, Chrysalis began beating her wings until she dove off the ship and in the direction of the Empire tower.

Bad Dude watched her go as he stood next to Discord. “What’s Chrysalis doing?”

“I dunno,” Discord answered bluntly. “Revenge, most likely. It’s all villains ever seem to want these days. What’s so wrong about wanting simple chaos and power anymore?”

“And friendship?” Bad Dude asked meekly.

Discord gagged. “I guess. As long as it’s the type of friendship where we’re secretly only using one another to get what we want in the long run. Speaking of which—how ‘bout you get me a nice slice of cheesecake from the ship’s—”

That was when a rainbow-colored blur rushed past him and took Bad Dude with it.

Less than a second later, that same colorful blur was over three frigates away and not losing any speed whatsoever.

Discord stomped a hoof against the deck.

“You mean I have to get my own cheesecake now?”

Bad Dude wasn’t completely sure what’d just happened—only that something soft had rammed into him and taken him off the ship faster than he ever thought possible. His cape and mane rippled in the rushing wind and he had to strain to look upwards at who exactly was carrying him. It was Rainbow Dash—her jaw clamped tight and beads of sweat on her face.

“Put me down!” Bad Dude told her. “This is not how this is supposed to happen!”

“You’ve done enough damage already, kid,” Rainbow Dash yelled above the wind. “So we’re just gonna place you somewhere safe and out of the way until help arrives. Then we’ll get your parents in on this. Then you’ll be grounded until you’re a hundred and two.”

Bad Dude gasped. “No! I don’t want to be grounded! Put me down, you big meanie!”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I’m not the big meanie here, Dude. You’re hurting ponies. They’re practically running for their lives right now. Can’t you see all the trouble you’re causing?”

“No! We’re just playing! If you’d surrendered like I’d asked—”

“Then Sombra would be in charge of the Empire again?” she finished for him. “Don’t think I’ll sit by and let that happen. From what I understand, nobody voted for him the first time around. For good reason, I think.”

Bad Dude pouted. “But we’d be good rulers! I promise!”

“Oh, you promise?” Rainbow Dash sneered. “Why didn’t you say so earlier? Let me just set you down and then we’ll get to the surrendering, pronto.”

Bad Dude’s eyes shot open. “Really? You mean it?”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “No. I just caught C.U.T.E.’s ringleader, so I doubt we’ll be surrendering anytime soon. You might’ve done pretty well so far, kid, but every villain gets defeated eventually. Just be thankful Pinkie Pie never got her hooves on you.”

That last statement got Bad Dude thinking. Carefully, he pried both of his forelegs out of Rainbow Dash’s grip and reached upwards to her, wrapping as much of himself around her as he could.

Rainbow Dash stiffened at once. “What do you think you’re doing, kid?”

“Getting my hooves on you,” Bad Dude replied smugly, nuzzling his head into her coat. “Don’t you think I’m just the slightest bit cute?”

“What?” Rainbow Dash barked out. “No, you’re not—”

Rainbow Dash’s wings stopped flapping for a moment as they dropped from the sky.

“Cut that out!” she told him earnestly. “I can’t fly while you do that!”

Bad Dude didn’t stop. He even added a little hitch to his voice to make it sound like he was crying. “Please don’t tell my parents! Please! They’ll be so mad at me if they knew! Can’t you please just let me take over the Crystal Empire? I promise I’ll be careful with it!”

Now Rainbow Dash was flying more or less with the use of one wing; her eyes closed and her expression pained. Awkwardly, she guided them towards the nearest floating ship to land on. The changelings onboard instantly circled the two of them, but Bad Dude shooed them off and told them to keep driving the frigate instead.

When Rainbow Dash caught her breath again, she opened her eyes to see Bad Dude prancing around her. He happily shouted, “So you do think I’m cute! I knew it! I knew it!”

Rainbow Dash stubbornly shook her head. “No, I didn’t. I was… only winded. Flying as fast as I can takes a lot out of you, if you couldn’t already guess.”

“Nah!” Bad Dude shook his head. “You’re lying. Do I remind you of a younger sibling perhaps?”

She shook her head again. “Never had any. But enough talk. You’re coming with me.”

Bad Dude pursed his lips. “Or maybe it’s you who are coming with me?”

He took a step towards her as she took one back, then another, and another until Rainbow Dash’s rump struck the ship’s railing. Seeing his opportunity, Bad Dude leapt into her chest and pulled her in for a hug. Sluggishly, Rainbow Dash gave him a weak shove him away, to very little avail.

Bad Dude told her openly, “It’s a whole lot of fun in C.U.T.E. Really! We have game night and movie night and Casual Fridays and Pajama Tuesdays and Waffle Wednesdays—”

“Oh, Celestia that sounds cute…” Rainbow Dash muttered helplessly.

“And you and I could play catch! And we could be like big sister and little brother! And you could even give me a nickname like Lil’ Duder or something!”

“Too cute… sight’s going blurry… too damn cute…”

Bad Dude continued on regardless. “And we could even dress like each other for Nightmare Night! And trade candy afterwards!”

Rainbow Dash let out a long exhale before falling backwards and out of Bad Dude’s grip. Lifelessly, she toppled over the railing and careened towards the ground with her eyes closed and her spread wings rippling uselessly at her sides.

Bad Dude yelped. Then he turned his attention to the passing cloud of dark smoke.

“Sombra!” he squeaked. “I knocked Rainbow Dash out and now she’s fallen overboard!”

The cloud of smoke stopped in mid-air and set its large red eyes on him. “Well done, young prince. I always knew you had it in you.”

“No! She might die! This isn’t good!”

The large trail of smoke sighed—something Bad Dude wasn’t even aware it could do. “Obviously, she’ll die, Bad Dude. That’s usually what happens when ponies splat against the ground having traveled several hundred feet to get there. But, honestly, well done. Only five Elements left!”

Bad Dude’s pupils shrunk as he helplessly watched Rainbow Dash’s motionless body continue towards the earth.

Author's Notes:

I'd like to finish off the battle with one more chapter -- even if it ends up being a larger chapter than usual. Or... that's the plan at the moment.

Killing off Rainbow Dash. Bet most of you didn't see that coming, eh? I mean, it's not she could get plucked out of the air suddenly and saved. Nah. Highly doubtful. She's doomed to die a painful death in this Rated E story.

Empire Emergency (Part Two)

Carefully using her horn, Princess Cadence set down what remained of the ship Pinkie Pie had destroyed before a group of unicorns could snuff the blaze out with a few solid blasts of containment foam. Before she was lowered to the ground, Pinkie Pie somehow punched her way through Cadence’s magical aura and landed on the roof of a house before bouncing away again. Pinkie seemed no worse for wear—even if she’d just taken down an entire frigate by herself.

A knock on the door of her study pulled at Cadence’s attention.

Cadence opened it and found a panting guard out in the hall.

“Princess!” the stallion yelped. “You have to come quick! I think they’re going after the Crystal Heart!”

In reply, Cadence only nodded and gave the guard a moment to hurry down the hall. When they instead waited for her to leave first, she shuffled past the stallion and quietly charged up her horn.

Guards always went first towards danger. Then Princesses or Princes followed after. Although Cadence had never liked the rule in question, it seemed to be coming in handy at the moment.

“Things aren’t looking great, Princess,” the guard continued on behind her. “Guards are being stuck to walls; there’re giant ships in the sky; changelings attacking ponies on the streets…”

“And changelings inside, as well,” Cadence muttered below her breath, before she spun around and shot a thick beam into the guard’s chest.

The guard grunted from the hit and slid across the marble floor all-the-way back into Cadence’s study. As she traveled, Chrysalis’ guard disguise fell away from her and by the time she bumped against the opposite wall, she was wholly herself again.

Cadence took the briefest of moments to peer down the connecting hallway. It was littered with the unconscious bodies of a half-dozen guards—the guard Chrysalis had impersonated amongst them.

“He-he-he-he-he…”

Chrysalis’ trademark laugh made Cadence turn and storm back into her study. She slammed the doors behind her.

Chrysalis got back to her hooves again, giving her neck a loud crack once she was standing upright again. She narrowed her eyes at Cadence as her laughter dried. “You look disheveled, Princess,” Chrysalis cooed. “Didn’t interrupt one of your weekly dress fittings, I hope.”

Cadence struck a stance and angled her horn at her. “For your information, my dress fittings are only bi-monthly. But that’s none of your business. You need to end this before more ponies get hurt. You know you can’t win this fight, Chrysalis. The other Princesses will be here any minute now and once they do, your chances of actually winning here drop significantly. Even someone as insane as you must understand that.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and began strolling around the room. “Petty name-calling? Already? That was rather uncalled for, you stupid pink jerk-face.” She stopped at Cadence’s desk. “I don’t like this here. Be a dear and help your Queen shove it against the wall? I know it’s a tad early to start, but I just love redecorating. I’m thinking green and black. I know Sombra will demand something red somewhere… maybe the master bedroom. After we burn the sheets, of course.”

“No sheets of mine will be burned today,” Cadence replied thickly.

Chrysalis cocked a brow. “Boiled, then?” She shoved a batch of papers off of Cadence’s desk, taking a seat on one of its corners. “Look, Princess, I’ll level with you. You will not be winning this one. You might think you will, but in all reality you will not. The odds are just not in your favor this time around. For example: where’s that Crystal Heart of yours? Shouldn’t it be protecting the city right this very moment?”

Instead of responding, Cadence eyed up the desk Chrysalis was perched on. If she could hit it with a beam in just the right location, she could flip it over and possibly trap Chrysalis underneath it. It was real mahogany, after all.

“Oh, that’s right,” Chrysalis continued on with a chuckle. “You put it in storage right after that statue of Spike was destroyed. Didn’t want anything bad happening to it, I’d imagine. That’s okay, though. My children will find it and see to its wellbeing.”

Children, Cadence mused. It made her ponder when her and Shining might finally conceive some of their own.

She asked Chrysalis, “I may not care for my own safety, but if you have any heart to speak of, you’ll leave the citizens of the Empire unharmed. You’ll also release this ‘Bad Dude’ from whatever hold you have on him.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “He’s only a child, Chrysalis—a very confused, innocent child.”

That last statement of hers made Chrysalis snort. She told her loudly, “Bad Dude? We’re the ones being a bad influence on him? Ha! None of us would’ve even shared the same room together if it wasn’t for that little ball of fluff! The child’s perfect for villains like us. He gets us, unlike the rest of you. He wants us to succeed because we never have before. He gives us kind words and inspirational speeches to make us feel good. And he is tireless in his goals. What do all you ‘heroes’ want of us? For us to ‘change’ or to ‘adapt’ before you can accept us? Why can’t you change for us? All I want is to see you and your stallion stud in manacles and chains. Is that really too much to ask?”

Cadence could only exhale in exasperation. “You can’t honestly believe in everything you’ve just said.”

Chrysalis smiled—a little too wide. “Of course not. I only needed time to move that heavy couch of yours.”

Cadence only had a second to glance upwards to spot the floating couch. The next moment, it slammed atop of her hard enough to crack the floor. Muffled underneath the many layers of fabric and wood, Cadence could hear Chrysalis still talking.

“You really shouldn’t let villains start monologue, Princess. That’s usually a sign of bad things to come.”

Bad Dude couldn’t believe it. He could still hear the horrible sounds playing in his head. The whistle of air as Rainbow Dash fell to the ground; the hurried flap of her lifeless wings at her sides; the muted sounds of everything else around him. Worst of all, of course, was the grotesque sound that was made when Rainbow Dash hit the pavement several hundred feet below.

On a continuous loop, the sound played in his head.

No less than four of the Empire’s pegasi guards tried to grab Rainbow Dash as she fell. All were struck down by cannon fire before they could get a solid grip on her.

Far, far below where Bad Dude stood on his ship, a tiny crowd had already gathered around the slain mare. Heads quickly turned in his direction—jaws dropped and fierce accusation set in their eyes. He knew he could always tell them the truth—that it had been an accident and nothing more. But would that really change anything? He would still be looked at as a mur—

Bad Dude opened his eyes and all the terrifying images in his head disappeared. Since Rainbow Dash fell overboard, he’d only blinked a single time and even in just that single blink, he saw everything he so desperately didn’t want to occur. So with that in mind, he ran towards the railing of the ship and dove off of it head first.

Already, Bad Dude could hear the cloud of smoke known as Sombra start to ream him.

“What do you think you’re doing!?” Sombra roared. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times! You are not a pegasus, Bad Dude! No matter how much you’d like to be!”

Bad Dude paid Sombra no mind and focused on the task at hoof. His cape and mane rippled around him in the harsh wind; he tucked his forelegs to his chest to get the least amount of wind resistance. To stop them from watering, he had to slit his eyes.

Every inch of clear blue sky was a cacophony of energetic chaos. Armored pegasi clashed with hundreds of spitting and slashing changeling drones. Some guards carried spears while others carried mesh nets attached to weights. Once thrown over a cluster of changelings, they’d pull a cord attached to the net and it would seal around them and plummet towards the ground. The miscellaneous cannon projectiles continued to blast unabated, picking Empire guards both out of the air and on the ground in order to remove them from the fight.

Bad Dude had to mentally block out everything and concentrate only on the descending mare. Like an arrow launched from a bow, Bad Dude thinned his body out as much as he could, slowly gaining on Rainbow Dash; the only thing slowing her fall being her dangling wings and legs.

Bad Dude was less than a few feet from her before a sticky projectile collided with a guard right next to him causing Bad Dude to change directions for a moment. Once back on track, he heard Sombra yell for him again.

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to!” Sombra screamed—what sounded like only meters above Bad Dude. “I wasn’t born yesterday!”

Ignoring this, Bad Dude pressed onwards and managed to brush the tip of one of Rainbow Dash’s wings with a hoof. A few seconds later, he was able to grip it with both hooves and form a tangible connection between them. Now traveling at the same rate, Bad Dude pulled on her lone wing until he was able to wrap himself around her torso.

The first part of his plan had succeeded. Now he only had to wait for the second part to happen. Any moment now, he thought nervously, as the ground rushed up to greet both him and the Rainbow Dash he held in his hooves.

As the streets of the Empire became a little too close for comfort, Bad Dude began to wonder if he’d just made the second biggest mistake of that day—only seconds before sweet relief swam over him in the form of thick black smoke that encased them both. Effortlessly, it slowed their decent until they reached the ground and landed.

King Sombra became whole again—featuring a scowl much angrier than usual. He lowered his head to Bad Dude’s until their snouts touched. “We will talk about this later. After we are done here.”

With that said, Sombra whirled around and made a couple of nearby crystal ponies yelp. He gave them a polite wave. “Happy to see you too! Hope you held onto your slave garments!”

The crystal ponies bolted up the street. If they were running to go get their ‘slave garments’ or just running away from Sombra, Bad Dude wasn’t completely sure. He was just happy he hadn’t accidentally killed anyone that day. Speaking of which—

“Are you okay, Miss Dash?” he asked, before he lightly gave her shoulder a poke. “I really didn’t mean for you to fall overboard and almost splat against the sidewalk. Things just happen sometimes, you know?”

“Bad Dude! What did you do to Rainbow Dash!?”

Bad Dude glanced up to find a face far scarier than the one Sombra had just given him. At the end of the street was Pinkie Pie, nostrils flared and her mane somehow much puffier than usual. She ground one hoof against the pavement, creating sparks.

“You are in for the snuggling of your life, mister!”

Bad Dude took a step away from the unconscious Rainbow Dash and held a hoof out to Pinkie Pie. “She’s okay! Honest! It was only an accident!”

“Likely story,” Pinkie Pie growled. “Next you’ll tell me you only gave her a hug on one of your ships and told her all about the cute things you could do together before she passed out and fell over the railing located directly behind her causing you to leap after her in the hopes that Sombra would care enough about you to swoop down and rescue you both!”

Bad Dude went a little cross-eyed upon hearing all that. “How’d…?” was as far as he got, before a trio of changelings rushed towards him and hooked their legs around him. They then collectively started beating their wings until they got a few feet off the ground.

One look at the three of them told Bad Dude enough: Tic, Tac, and Toe to the rescue.

“Come back here!” Pinkie shouted as she bounded up the street. When she got directly below the three of them, she leapt upwards and managed to snag the tip of Tac’s hoof. In retaliation, Tac hissed and spat a wad of gooey phlegm onto her hoof until she slipped away.

When Bad Dude looked down again and saw the twisted expression on Pinkie Pie’s face, he mentally moved her up to the top of his list of “PONIES THAT SCARE ME”, dethroning Angry Princess Luna for the first time since the list’s creation.

Discord watched disinterested as King Sombra collected himself on the deck of the ship he was on. Earlier in the battle, Discord had traded his patio furniture for a couple of colorful beanbag chairs—special beanbag chairs. If you didn’t sit on them just right, they ended up swallowing the user whole. As one poor changeling had discovered only minutes ago before Discord snapped them out of it.

Sombra flashed his fangs at Discord. “This isn’t working! This isn’t working at all!” Like a child, he stomped around the ship and kicked at a loose floorboard. “All we’re doing is wasting time. Getting a few guards and random ponies here and there? What would happen if the Princesses arrived right this moment? We’d be locked in an ongoing struggle we might not even win! We need to secure this place before they get here. How much time before we revert to Plan B?”

Discord yawned from his beanbag chair. “Fifteen minutes. Give or take a millisecond or two.”

“Then there’s still time,” Sombra growled, sticking his head over the railing of the ship. “We need to start the bigger waves of attack—cripple the peasants’ spirits so that they’ll be forced to surrender all at once.” His glowing red-and-green eyes stared at Discord. “Do you still stand by your promise, dragon? Or are you a constant liar as well as a constant disappointment?”

Discord gasped, holding his hook hand up to his chest. “Why I never! Good sir, you dare besmirch the noble household known as ‘Dis’ before they were married to the ‘Cord’ family in order to unite two feuding nations and gather plentiful land properties in the southern isles?”

Sombra became a bit lightheaded all of a sudden. “What!?”

“Never mind,” Discord answered. “I’ll hold up my end of the bargain as long as you do the same. Complete control of the Empire—nothing less. Only after that will I move the Empire to a location where even the Princesses wouldn't be able to find. But that means you need both Cadence and Shining Armor as well as all the remaining ponies under lock and key before I fulfill my end of the bargain. And don’t you go forgetting about that Crystal Heart of theirs.”

“Like I’d forget,” Sombra groaned. “Bad Dude has begun his part of the plan?”

Discord nodded. “I sent him off a moment ago—with that trio of changelings he seems so fond of. That takes care of the Heart. What of the rest of the requirements?”

Setting his hooves on the railing, Sombra glanced at the Empire’s large tower just in time to witness Princess Cadence step onto its balcony. Even from that far a distance, Sombra could see the tiny smirk on her lips. It made him smile, as well.

“My gentle Crystal Empire ponies!” Cadence boomed across the city, holding a single foreleg up. “We cannot win this fight! We will only injure ourselves or worse by trying to stop these invaders. If we lay down our weapons now and grant them complete control of the Empire, they have promised all of us fair judgment alongside new positions in their city. I implore you all to surrender now as I have. It is for the best, my loyal subjects. Believe in your pretty pink Princess as you normally would.”

Standing beside Sombra, Discord turned to him. “Chrysalis is doing a lot better than last time. She might actually pull this off.”

All eyes on the streets and in the sky were currently focused on Cadence. She continued her speech with a shrug, “And was slavery really that bad? I mean… really? What’s wrong with a bit of exercise now and again? All the fresh air you could want?”

Discord smacked himself in the face with a hand. “I take it back. You two are perfect for each other. She’s an idiot. You’re an idiot. I’m sure if you two manage to have a kid together, it’ll be a baked potato. No, wait. I take that back. Baked potatoes are delicious. Your child’s destined to be a rock. A jagged one. Not the kind that’s fun to skip over lakes, either. Am I making myself clear or should I continue in more detail?”

Sombra nodded without hearing a word from Discord. “Got it. Kill you later.”

Cadence smiled as she looked at all the ponies staring up at her—a smile that displayed an odd amount of teeth. “And if our enemies do take over, then that means that Bad Dude gets to become one of your new rulers. Won’t that be fun? He’s pretty cute and—”

That was when a second Cadence galloped onto the balcony and grabbed the first Cadence in a chokehold. The Cadence strangling the other touched her horn to her foe’s, forcing Chrysalis to revert back to her original form.

Most of the Empire gasped. A few even screamed.

“Do not listen to her lies!” the real Cadence yelled out to them. “Fight for your home and do not let up! Help is on the—”

Instead of trying to break free of her, Chrysalis opened her jaws and clamped down hard on Cadence’s leg, causing the Princess to shriek and mutter a string of very un-Princess-like words. This, at least, got Cadence to release her, so Chrysalis could sweep a leg under her while blasting her with her horn. This bit of violence ended up spurring on the rest of the ponies and changelings in the city, as the harsh battle continued on unabated.

Discord snorted. “And here I had absolutely no idea Chrysalis was a biter.”

Sombra smirked. “I did.”

As Shining Armor prowled the frenzied streets of his Empire, he felt more and more at a loss about what exactly to do. His guards held up their end of the fight as well as could be expected, but he couldn’t deny the fact that they were still losing. One by one, the Empire’s numbers were dwindling; either beaten into submission by the constant waves of changeling drones or by being stuck to some surface by one of Discord’s sticky cannonballs.

Shining’s Empire seemed in shambles, but all hope was not lost. As long as they could continue to stall the enemy, reinforcements would arrive and the fight would become more than even sided. Heck. Shining would almost feel bad for Bad Dude if that ended up happening. That little colt had no idea just how scary Twilight Sparkle could become once enraged. Shining could still recall the one time he’d accidentally stepped on her first edition copy of “The Complete List of First Edition Copy Books”. The doctors had later said Shining’s heart stopped for a full two minutes before they’d resuscitated him.

Shining had to shake his head to clear his thoughts. There was too much at stake to start daydreaming. If only he could catch a break of some kind—

“Bad Dude?” Shining whispered, instinctually diving behind a random crate on the street.

On the opposite sidewalk stood Bad Dude, accompanied by three smaller sized changelings. All four of them moved up the street with purpose; Shining was already hearing warning bells in his ears.

Should I nab him now or wait until I know what they’re up to? Shining wondered.

The latter part of his question was answered for him when Bad Dude and his entourage marched directly to the Empire’s tower and strolled inside. Any guards blocking the entrance were either locked in a heated battle with changelings or just plain stuck to the structure itself.

“Oh, crumbs,” Shining muttered. “He’s going after the Crystal Heart.”

Racing towards the tower, Shining rushed inside and stopped at the foot of the winding stairs. Shining had to ponder which direction they’d gone. Would they know the Crystal Heart had been placed in storage? With Discord on their side, anything was more than possible.

Slowly, Shining entered the catacombs of the Empire’s labyrinthine underground. Lit torches embedded in the walls guided his way; rock and brick walls surrounded him on all sides next to rusted metal doors. It was no wonder so few ventured down there in search of things. Even when Cadence had asked Shining to go dig up the Empire’s old popcorn machine for movie night did he have to lie and tell her he got rid of the machine weeks prior.

Shining’s hoofsteps echoed up the endless crisscrossing hallways. He had to steady his breathing to keep his heart from racing. Then came the first laugh… or more like a lighthearted giggle that sounded just like a child at play. Too bad the laugh then echoed and echoed again off the rocky walls until it was booming inside Shining’s skull.

Something grey and blue zipped from one side of the hall to the other in front of him.

“Bad Dude?” Shining asked meekly. “Give yourself up now and I promise to protect you from Twilight when she gets here. Just don’t touch any of the books down here, okay?”

A second blur of grey and blue zipped across the hallway—this time behind Shining.

“He-he-he-ha-ha-ha!” Again, that cheerful laugh.

“Bad Dude?” Shining croaked. “You’re starting to scare me, bud. No more hide and seek, all right?”

Three blurs of grey and blue zoomed to all sides of him; Shining couldn’t get a single good look at any of them. Not until one of them leapt onto his back before reverting back to its changeling shape.

It hissed.

Shining screamed.

Like an animal finally let out of its cage, King Sombra prowled the streets of his Empire hungrily. Everywhere he turned ponies shied away from him and ran in the opposite direction. Some he let get away (usually the bigger ones—he was curious to see just how fast they could move under duress), while the rest he incased in darkened crystal to be dealt with later on.

The Empire’s guards got off less easily than the rest. Using his horn and his infinite knowledge of dark magic, he manifested swords made of churning fire that clashed against random guards until their armor was blackened and they were beaten into submission. When he didn’t feel like using so much of his magic, he instead gave his horn a small flick, sending more guards hurtling into walls, breaking armor and pony alike. He knew they’d live. Even Sombra wasn’t stupid enough to waste good slaves so frivolously.

Yet still it wasn’t enough. Sombra wanted more—needed more—to get Discord to move his Empire out of harm’s way. So where were the rest of his peasants hiding? Huddled together in the dark? Safe and sound under lock and key?

Two guards stood by a wide wooden door that fed to one of the Empire’s holds. Sombra decided to try a different tactic this time around. Sombra smiled as he strolled up to them. “I’ll make you both a deal. Give up now and I promise that I shall make neither of you my personal toilet bowl cleaner.”

“Go to Tartarus, scum!” one of them exclaimed.

“Yeah!” said the other. “And don’t even bother sending a card from there! Because I won’t even read it!”

Sombra could only close his eyes and shake his head to keep his growing rage at bay.

“So be it,” he informed them. “I gave you a chance and you just had to waste it. For your information, my last toilet bowl cleaner jumped off a building to get out of his duties. I hope you two will handle the responsibility better.”

Sombra then brought both of his forelegs together and watched as the two guards slammed into each other hard enough to dent their helmets. Immediately, they collapsed and began snoring.

Sombra turned and kicked out with his back legs, obliterating the door to the hold. He stuck his head inside. “Daddy’s home.”

A small filly at the front of the hundreds of cowering ponies frowned heavily at him. “You’re not my daddy!”

Sombra sighed. “Well, obviously. It was only supposed to be intimidating, but… never mind, it didn’t really work.” Sombra noticed something in the filly’s hooves. “Just what is that?”

The filly hugged the item closer to her chest. “This is my Spike the Brave doll. And he’s going to protect me from evil stinky-faces like you!”

Sombra took a step closer to her. “I’m an evil stinky-face, am I? I’d better uphold that reputation then, shouldn’t I?”

Using his horn, Sombra snatched the doll away from her and quickly snapped its head off. He then popped it into his mouth to chew on, swirling it around with his tongue. “Tastes like victory. And plastic. But mostly victory.”

The filly hitched in a quivering breath. “You really are an evil stinky face!”

Sombra displayed a single fang. “Obviously.”

“Things would play out much better for you if you surrendered, Princess,” Chrysalis spoke as she flew around Cadence’s study, blasting away bits of floor and wall as her enemy narrowly avoided each one of her blasts. “You and Shining both. You don’t want to see what happens if our group is forced to take the drastic route.”

With the aid of her wings, Cadence ran along her study’s walls. As she dodged Chrysalis’ attacks, she lifted up numerous objects and furniture around the room to shoot at her. At the moment, Chrysalis was caked in both the soil from a flower pot and the innards of a couch cushion that exploded once it had been impaled on her jagged horn.

“The same goes for you,” Cadence told her breathlessly. “There can be no victory for you here. My guards are keeping your forces at bay and soon you’ll have to deal with the rest of Equestria’s heroes. Think you’ll fare much better against all of us combined? Leave this city and lick your wounds. You can’t win here today.”

Chrysalis chuckled deep within her throat. “Sadly, there’s a lot of ways to win, my dear. Technically, taking control of the Crystal Empire isn’t the only way to win here today. Haven’t you wondered why Tirek hasn’t shown his face in the Empire yet?”

A block of ice settled in Cadence’s stomach. “What are you planning?”

“Only what you force us to do,” Chrysalis replied. “Give the Empire over to us or face the consequences, Princess.”

Shining Armor was having the worst luck. Every time he thought he had located the real Bad Dude, it only ended up being another one of his changeling friends. Down hallways and corridors Shining had chased them tirelessly—that haunting laugh still echoing off the walls as he went.

They were trying to distract him, clearly. Throughout it all, Shining still tried his best to get close to where the Crystal Heart had been stored, but always found himself sidetracked by more possible Bad Dude doubles. Upset and angry, he eventually lashed out at the next pony that crossed his path. Which ended up being Bad Dude.

“Oh, crap!” Shining wheezed, kneeling to the floor beside him. Shining had just kicked Bad Dude with everything he’d had—sending him flying against a wall. “I totally just hit a kid. I can’t tell Cadence about this. Never. And if anyone asks, he came at me first. Sure. That’s the story we’ll go with.”

On the ground, Bad Dude began to stir, before he burst into green flames and became a changeling again. It instantly hissed at him.

Shining breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay. Just a changeling. We’re still good.”

The creak of a rusty door made Shining look up. He turned to find another Bad Dude prying open a door at the end of the hall. This Bad Dude had a cape on his back. Shining really should’ve realized the difference between the three changelings and the real Bad Dude earlier.

Too late. Bad Dude was already hurrying through the door—into the room that held the Empire’s Crystal Heart.

Discord was having a terrible time. Every time he’d get comfy on one of his hammocks, Pinkie Pie just had to come and annoy him all over again. Already, the Empire’s catapults had managed to destroy two C.U.T.E. battleships, while Pinkie Pie had managed to sink two of them and was even currently in the midst of finishing off her third. It seemed that whatever that mare got her hooves on ended up bursting into flames—sometimes confetti, too.

Well, if he had to be honest, Discord had always enjoyed a good explosion, but not when he put so much time and energy into crafting six perfectly good flying vessels for his team. Did Pinkie Pie even realize how hard it was to rub one's fingers together to create a snapping sound? Probably not. She’d need fingers for that, after all.

“Leave me alone, Pinkie!” Discord trumpeted after he snapped his last remaining ship to another section of the sky far away from the mare. “Don’t make me put you in a box covered in locks and filled with my socks and hunted by a fox made out of tiny blocks!”

“Don’t try and rhyme your way out of this one, Discord!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed to him. At the moment, she was leaping from random pegasus guard to pegasus guard in order to reach him again. “That Bad Dude of yours hurt my friend! Now you need to apologize for it!”

As Discord watched her struggle to get to him, he lifted his arm to check the sundial watch on his wrist. He exhaled dourly. They were officially out of time. He turned to Pinkie Pie again. “I’m sorry, Pinkie. I truly am.”

Pinkie Pie stopped her climb to stare at him quizzically. “Really? Just like that?”

Discord nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry things are about to get so much worse now.”

Discord snapped himself away from the battle and to the roof of the Empire tower. Sombra was already there—his hooves resting on the lip of the roof and with his head held low.

Discord went to sit down beside him. “It’s time.”

“I know,” Sombra said glumly. “I really thought we’d have enough time to secure this place. Not so.” He looked up at Discord. “Do it. Send the signal and let’s be done with it. Before I change my mind.”

Using his lion’s paw, Discord snapped his fingers and a red firework exploded in the middle of the sky. It would still be a few moments until everything started.

Sombra eyed his old kingdom again. “We can always rebuild. Truthfully, since my absence, they warped my Empire into something that barely resembled its original greatness. Maybe it’s best to start again.”

“Bad Dude will be mad,” Discord added. “We never did fill him in on this part of the plan.”

Sombra grimaced. “He will get over it. He must toughen up if he wishes to become a true, respectable villain. His lack of viciousness could be his downfall.”

“And what of all the ponies still in the Empire?” Discord asked.

“Get them out. Get them all out. They need to know this isn’t their home anymore.”

Several hundred meters away from the Crystal Empire, Tirek looked upwards as a tiny splash of crimson etched its way across the clear blue sky. It was the signal. Time was up and now Tirek had to finish things up for them. “Plan B” as it had been deemed. Tirek cared little which direction the battle would go. During the twenty-five minutes the rest of his team had spent attacking the Empire, Tirek had already befriended a squirrel and had learned half a dozen words in its language.

The squirrel gave him an acorn. Tirek gave him a head scratch in return.

Sitting in the snow by Tirek’s side was a brown glass jug with three Xs scribbled on its side. Tirek reached over to it and uncorked it, smelling its contents. What was inside made his nose burn something fierce, but it also reminded him of a memory he held dear to him—the time he almost conquered all of Equestria by himself before being stricken down by a series of blindingly bright rainbow blasts.

It wasn’t a tale he ever planned on telling his children.

Inside the “XXX” jug he held was a mixture of chaos magic, dark magic, and whatever magic Chrysalis called her own. Tirek knew it was strong. How strong? Only time would tell.

Giving his squirrel friend one last pat on the head, Tirek brought the jug up to his lips and “Plan B” got underway.

General Cannon Fodder was working with a team of unicorns to try and pry some ponies off of surrounding buildings when his vision went white. He blinked, and found he was no longer in the Empire at all, and neither were the rest of the unicorns he was with. All around him he saw ponies with nearly the same expression—ones of confusion and unease.

Thousands of crystal ponies and guards alike now stood out in the snow—fifty meters away from the Empire. Had Cadence unleashed a spell that had teleported them all there? If so, why? They weren’t losing. They’d been holding their own the entire time.

The ground underneath them shook and all eyes settled on the looming figure in the closing distance. It was not the rescue as they had hoped, but instead the impossibly tall figure of Lord Tirek, stalking his way step by step towards the city’s gates. He had to be at least four stories tall—ripped with muscle and a core of brightly burning energy spinning in the center of his sharp horns.

General Cannon Fodder was about to say something to another one of the guards when Tirek unleashed a wave of horrifying energy onto the Empire, decimating a row of crystal houses and shops. What was left in his wake could barely even be considered rubble.

“No. No!” Cadence screamed, as Tirek leveled another block of houses—crushing a couple of empty lemonade stands with his giant hooves as he walked.

Cadence leaned against the balcony and searched the area for any ponies in need of aid. Strangely, not a single pony littered the streets or even the sky. It was as if they’d all been plucked from the city at the exact same moment.

She turned to Chrysalis in her study. “Stop this! Stop this right now!”

Chrysalis pursed her lips. “Can’t. Won’t. You brought this on yourself. If you would’ve handed over the Empire like we’d asked, we would’ve left it intact and whole. We villains aren’t the most idiotic of creatures; even we know not to take on all of our opposition at once. It’s much simpler to take you out one at a time.”

Chrysalis flicked a bit of mane out of her eyes. “If we couldn’t lay claim to the Empire today, then no one would. Now we’ll level this place to the ground and make sure not a single building still stands. The Crystal Empire is only one kingdom of many in Equestria. My group can always pick a new one to rule.”

“But all those crystal ponies,” Cadence said, “this is their home. Thousands and thousands of them left with nowhere to go!”

“Terrible, isn’t it?” Chrysalis sneered. “Hope it doesn’t put a strain on the rest of Equestria. Now, you can continue to converse with me if you want—I really have nothing better to do at the moment—or you could make yourself useful and either battle a fully charged Tirek, or make yourself even more useful and see if any ponies haven’t made their way out of the city yet. Wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them while we level the place, now would you?”

Cadence shook her head and ground her teeth. “You’re all monsters.”

Chrysalis smiled thinly. “Depends on your viewpoint.”

“Put down the Heart, Bad Dude,” Shining implored, holding a hoof out to him. “You don’t know how valuable that thing is. Or how delicate.”

Bad Dude nodded. “I’ll be careful, I promise.” He held the Crystal Heart underneath a foreleg; big enough to touch the ground under his leg. “Your name’s Shining, right? I should make you some shortbread cookies sometime. They’re really good. Even Sombra says so.”

Shining took another step towards him. In front of Bad Dude were Tic, Tac, and Toe, all knelt low to the ground to protect him. “That sounds great, Bad Dude. How ‘bout you hoof over the Crystal Heart and then we’ll have some of those cookies of yours? With some ice cold milk, too.”

A bit of dust fell from the ceiling as the entire storage room rumbled.

Shining glanced upwards. “What was that?”

“I dunno,” Bad Dude answered. “Maybe you should go check it out and leave me with the Crystal Heart?”

“Not until I—” was all Shining got out, before a section of the roof gave away and collided with the tip of his horn. Like a sack of potatoes, he collapsed to the ground, eyes closed.

“Oh, no!” Bad Dude ran over to him and tried to nudge him awake. Shining didn’t budge. Already a thin line of drool was seeping from his mouth. “Mr. Armor? Are you okay? Why is everyone around me getting hurt today?”

Another rumble from outside shook the small room. The ceiling on the other side of the storage room spilled inwards and crushed a few crates full of miscellaneous artifacts. Bad Dude could now peer through the hole in the ceiling and into the floor above them.

It was clear the place wasn’t safe anymore. For pony or changeling alike.

Bad Dude grabbed the Crystal Heart and made his escape.

“It’s gone… it’s all gone,” Cadence spoke quietly outside the gates of the Crystal Empire. She gazed over the overwhelming destruction—not a single home or shop inside the city had been left standing. Smoke rose in random sections here and there; Tirek’s giant hoofprints cracking the ground where he’d stepped. Only the Empire’s shimmering crystal tower still stood tall—blackened and chipped around its base.

Twilight Sparkle wrapped a leg around Cadence’s shoulders. Behind her, Pinkie Pie sat beside Rainbow Dash, who was still out cold. “I’m so sorry, Cadence. We got here as fast as we could, but—”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” Cadence cut in. “They timed it perfectly. Tirek finished ruining the city beyond repair less than a minute before Discord snapped them all away and you arrived. At least…” She took a shuddery breath. “At least everyone made it out before Tirek was let loose.”

Twilight nodded. “By sparing your citizens, it only puts more of a burden on the rest of Equestria; finding a new home for all of them, just for starters. But we’ll find a way. We always do. C.U.T.E. will pay for what they’ve done here today. They’ve crossed a line that never should have been crossed.”

“They’ve also sent out a calling card to any would be villains,” Celestia added, coming to stand beside them. “They’ve shown what they can do—what they’re willing to do if they don’t get their way. I’ll have to depend on each one of you to do what is right to try and put an end to all of this. Especially you, Luna.”

Luna stood near the back of the group and glanced away when Celestia addressed her. She hadn’t spoken to anyone that day.

“Wait! How could I be so idiotic?” Cadence cried. “Where’s Shining Armor? I didn’t see him with the other crystal ponies. Has anyone seen—”

Shining Armor exited the gates of the Crystal Empire with his mane and fur no worse for wear. He even held a big goofy grin on his muzzle.

“Shining!” both Cadence and Twilight blurted, bolting towards him to wrap him in a hug.

Shining returned the gesture and ruffled each of their manes playfully. Then he started chuckling under his breath before he burst out into a full-blown laugh.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Cadence asked him, bewildered. “Shining, how can you laugh at a time like this?”

Shining only continued to laugh—louder and louder until tears began rolling down his cheeks. Still giggling, he pulled a letter out of his bit of armor and hoofed it over to Twilight.

Twilight opened it and immediately paled.

She read aloud: “Dear Good Guys, we’ve taken Shining Armor off your hooves. You’re welcome. Until next time, The Coalition of United Terrible Evils. P.S. You may keep our changeling decoy if you wish, but note that all he’ll do is continue to laugh in your dumb purple face. Up to you.”

The changeling parading around as Shining Armor dropped his guise, but continued to laugh in an echo-like tone.

Using her horn, Twilight torched the letter in her hooves.

“We have to get Shiny back.”

Author's Notes:

Long chapter was long.

Anyways, in case you're worried about this section's dark tone, this story will be entering a section of slice-of-life starting now. This battle mainly exists to set up events for the second arc. Including a few new villains!

The Colt Behind The Cape (Special Short)

The Doctor entered the last room on the left and shut the door behind him quietly. He took the only remaining seat in the room—the one across from the small grey colt with icy blue mane and tail. At the moment, the colt was safety fastened in a royal blue straightjacket. The colt’s only request was that it be royal blue and not the standard white.

“Good morning, Sweet Glaze,” the Doctor began, levitating a clipboard and quill in front of him using his aura. “Hope you slept well.”

It was obvious Sweet Glaze rarely slept… or even blinked for that matter. Currently, he had deep bags under his eyes and remained focused on one of the walls of his room. His usual sitting position, the Doctor had come to realize.

“Do you want to answer me, Sweet Glaze?” the Doctor asked. “I would like it if we could have a conversation this morning.”

Sweet Glaze continued to stare at the wall—a dreamy expression on his face.

The Doctor sighed. “Fine. Have it your way. Can I speak with Bad Dude, then?”

At once, Sweet Glaze turned to him. “Hello there! I’m Bad Dude! And I’m part of the Coalition of—”

The Doctor waved a hoof. “Yes, Bad Dude, I know. I know a lot about you, in fact. I only wish I could call you by your real name when we have these conversations of ours. You do remember your real name, don’t you?”

Sweet Glaze nodded. “Of course I do. I’m just not supposed to use it right now. I’m Bad Dude now! And I can’t let anyone know my secret identity!”

The Doctor raised a brow. “The secret identity that’s somehow guarded by only a blue cape and nothing more?”

“Exactly!” Sweet Glaze replied happily.

Using his horn, the Doctor made a few notes on his clipboard. “If you’d be so kind, Bad Dude, refresh my memory: what nefarious deeds have your group of super villains been up to lately?”

This question made Sweet Glaze so overjoyed he literally started wiggling in his seat. “We attacked the Crystal Empire together! And we even got a hostage out of it! Shining Armor! Now I’m going to take care of him and see if he wants to join our group. Why wouldn’t he? We have a yogurt machine! Or a changeling that makes us yogurt sometimes.”

The Doctor cleared his throat. “You’ve already made that joke, Bad Dude. But more importantly… you say you attacked the Crystal Empire and managed to take a hostage with you? And none of the Princesses or Elements of Harmony were able to stop you? Was any member of your team injured, perchance?”

Sweet Glaze shook his head. “Nope! We all made it back to our base just fine!”

“So once again, you and your team of villains get everything they want with little to no trouble from the forces fighting against you. Doesn’t that seem, I don’t know, a little impossible sounding?”

This made Sweet Glaze frown. “Why would you say that? It happened! I was there!”

Glumly, the Doctor shook his head. “But you weren’t there, Bad Dude. You haven’t left this very room in three months. The Crystal Empire is fine; Shining Armor is still safe and sound with his wife; Tirek is still well-guarded in Tartarus; King Sombra remains dead to this day; Queen Chrysalis has yet to show herself since the wedding attack; Discord is still a dick, yes, but not of the terrible variety you claim. Most importantly, though, is that you are not Bad Dude. You are Sweet Glaze—a very normal child with no ‘cute’ powers to speak of. Only one very, very vivid imagination.”

Sweet Glaze shook his head indignantly. “No! No, you’re wrong! Why… why my cute powers are so strong, I even took down Princess Celestia and Luna both! They were in the hospital because of me!”

“Again, Sweet Glaze,” the Doctor spoke softly, “you’re only masking the truth with what you’d like to see. Those Princesses that thought you were so adorable? They were only two of this hospital’s nurses who’d happened to remark on how cute they thought you were. Did you injure them with some untold powers? No. They just so happened to have taken long vacations right after meeting you. You didn’t leave them bedridden. You’ve actually never met with the Princesses.”

“You’re lying!” Sweet Glaze protested. “I’m changing Equestrian history! And my villain friends and I are gonna be such good rulers!”

The Doctor brought the tip of his quill up to his chin to think. “This is nothing more than a case of vast wish fulfillment. You had trouble making friends in a new school and thought that no one understood you. That’s when things changed for you: suddenly you became this character known as ‘Bad Dude’ and every one of your favorite villains wanted to be around you and take over the world together; suddenly that one bully in school becomes nice to you for no reason at all; suddenly you get that special birthday party you always wanted with all your schoolmates.”

The Doctor shut his eyes for a moment. “I think your ability to tell the difference between what’s real and what’s only fantasy happened right after the moment no one attended that birthday party of yours. Since then, you’d decided to smother your problems with imaginary tales and absurd fantastical situations. But it’s just not real, Sweet Glaze. None of it is. You’re not the only one hurting because of this. Your parents are, too. They want their sweet little boy back.”

The Doctor put a delicate hoof on Sweet Glaze’s shoulder. “You need to come back to reality, Sweet Glaze. Before it’s too late.”

Sweet Glaze took a long moment before answering. Eventually, his eyes left the Doctor and returned to the wall right in front of him. “But I’m Bad Dude now.”

Both of Sweet Glaze’s parents stood up from their seats when the Doctor entered the waiting room. He shook hooves with Donut Joe before anyone talked.

“So what’s happening with him?” Donut Joe asked. “Is he… is he starting to understand it’s only fantasy yet, Doc?”

The Doctor shook his head gravely. “I’m afraid not. He’s so deeply entwined with his own story that splitting them apart is still next to impossible. I’ll order for another round of electroshock therapy soon to see if that might help.”

“Doesn’t that seem a little excessive, Doctor?” Sweet Glaze’s mother questioned.

“Oh, yes. Yes, indeed,” the Doctor replied. “But unless you can think of a way to pierce into Sweet Glaze’s fantasy world and bring inside of it the knowledge that none of it’s real… well, we just don’t have that kind of technology in this hospital.”

“What does that mean, then?” Donut Joe said. “We’re left to sit on our hooves and wait?”

The Doctor nodded. “Sadly, yes. But what really gets me about the whole thing is the sheer absurdity of Sweet Glaze’s fantasy: the ability to always get his way; the random abuse of his cute powers depending on who he’s with; the ridiculous romantic relationship between Sombra and Chrysalis that he somehow put in motion; the odd shifts in tone between cute, silly, dark, and weird; the complete lack of noteworthy antagonists; his repeated inability to tell the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’.”

Using his hoof, the Doctor rubbed at his temples. “I could go on, so I will: the random side characters that are introduced only to add nothing to the overall plot; the numerous unknown character motivations; that Discord wouldn’t feel worse for hurting Fluttershy again; those oddly sexual jokes that a child his age shouldn’t even understand; and when the heck is Luna gonna do something?”

Donut Joe loudly cleared his throat. “Could you not pick apart my poor son’s imaginary world, Doc? He’s a troubled child that needs our help right now.” Donut Joe’s eyes started watering. “I just want my son back, Doc. I want Sweet Glaze back. Not this character he’s become.”

“I share your pain, Mr. and Mrs. Joe,” the Doctor told them quietly. “I truly do. If it turns out there is no actual way of breaking Sweet Glaze out of his self-made world, then the best course of action would be to hurry this story of his along until he either can’t be this ‘Bad Dude’ persona anymore or simply doesn’t want to be ‘Bad Dude’ anymore.”

“And what if our son never finishes this story of his?” Donut Joe asked with bated breath.

The Doctor glanced at the floor somberly. “Then the best part of it would’ve remained that story about Tic, Tac, and Toe stealing those donuts.”

Author's Notes:

In case it isn't obvious enough: April Fools!

Realized it was April Fools in a couple days and thought about writing this. So I did. And should I die before finishing this story, then consider this the real ending.

Still better than the ending of "Secret Window", right?

A Day In The Life

Shining Armor awoke with a bad headache and the faint images of a small colt still floating around inside of his head. Or had there actually been four of them? It didn’t matter now. It had all been a dream, hadn’t it? A very long and vivid and terrible dream involving the Crystal Empire being attacked by the Coalition of United Terrible—

“Oh, crap,” Shining muttered when he first felt the ropes binding his forelegs and back legs together. He opened his eyes and found himself in a small room made of stone—a lone window to his side that gave him a view outside. A puffy cloud sailed across the window making Shining gasp. Wherever he’d been taken to, it must’ve been high.

Sliding his rump from side to side, Shining noted the wooden chair underneath him; the ropes held him tight to it. He then tried to use his horn on the binds, but found his horn giving him no answer whatsoever. There must’ve been something blocking his use of magic.

Before Shining could do any more plotting on his own, the door to the room opened and a smaller changeling entered donning an apron. The moment it entered, the changeling narrowed its black eyes at him, before it moved towards a covered table on the other side of the room.

A bead of sweat trickled down Shining’s temple. “I want to see Cadence! Tell me where she is! Is she here, too?”

The changeling paid him no mind. Instead, it unfurled a bit of cloth on the table and retrieved a metal frying pan to awkwardly hold in its hooves. Slowly, it made its way towards him.

Shining gulped dryly. “So it’s torture, then? I can promise you now that I won’t tell you anything! I mean… it’s not like I know anything all that important—Cadence handles most of the important stuff. So, maybe don’t torture me? I mean, what’s the point if I don’t know anything, right? Why even waste your time? I know! Let’s have a picnic instead! I make a mean potato salad! Ask anyone!”

It seemed as though Shining’s patented “Potato Salad Defense” had done its job once more. The changeling with the frying pan returned to the covered table to grab a second item—a far worse item, Shining soon discovered.

The changeling held the short knife he’d grabbed in front of Shining.

Shining shook his head adamantly. “Let’s go back to the frying pan! I like the frying pan much better! Is this because I kicked you during the battle? Are you the changeling I kicked?”

Wordlessly, the changeling returned to the table and used its horn to light a small burner hidden underneath the cloth. It set the frying pan down on top of it and used the knife it held to cut a chunk of butter onto the sizzling pan. It returned to Shining holding three pictures out to him: one of blueberries, one of strawberries, and one of bananas.

“I don’t understand!” Shining yelped. “You want to know where the Empire’s secret fruit stock is? Even I don’t know that! All we have is lemons, damn it!”

The changeling held the pictures closer to him.

“All right! I admit it!” Shining continued on sadly. “I’m a fraud! All I do is smile and wave while Cadence does all the hard stuff. I’m just supposed to look good and make sure my uniform isn’t wrinkly or—”

“Good morning, Mr. Armor!”

At once, Shining stopped talking and found Bad Dude standing in the doorway, a wide smile on his face. He entered and stopped at the changeling’s side.

“You figure out what you want for breakfast yet?” Bad Dude asked him. “It’s Crepe Monday, so Tac’s going to make us all crepes. You can have strawberry or blueberry or even banana. Or you could be like me and get one with all three in it! Also whipped cream and icing sugar on top.”

Shining shook his head. “I’m not interested in breakfast.”

Bad Dude angled his head to the side, confused. “Really? Because you should be. Tac here makes great crepes! And breakfast is the most important meal of the day! Didn’t anyone ever tell you that before?” A sudden thought came to him. “Oh! And before I forget—since you’re my first real hostage and all—can I call you Shining instead of Mr. Armor? I don’t want to be rude or anything. You can call me Bad Dude if you like. Or just Dude because it’s shorter.”

Now it was Shining’s turn to look confused. “You’re worried about seeming rude when you and your team just kidnapped me? You must realize I don’t actually want to be here, right? I’d much rather be in the Crystal Empire with my wife.”

Bad Dude shook his head. “I know, but maybe you’ll end up changing your mind while you’re with us. We weren’t able to capture the Empire this time, but maybe next time we’ll do better.” He giggled. “You’re my first hostage, so I really don’t want to screw it up! But I promise we’ll have lots of fun during your stay.”

Shining raised a brow. “So no torture?”

“Torture?” Bad Dude had to ponder on that. “You mean like when Discord sings karaoke?”

Shining pursed his lips. “Not exactly.”

Bad Dude strolled behind him and Shining felt his binds loosen.

“Let’s get you out of here and go have breakfast with the others.”

Shining Armor had been to awkward meals before. Like the first time he’d had dinner with Cadence’s parents or when he’d been invited to Canterlot for wine and cheese with the Princesses and Twilight. But those had been rather simple compared to this. Mind your manners. Answer any question that is asked of you. Use your napkin in excess. Don’t use any Earth pony slurs. Don’t drink so much wine that you think Earth pony slurs are okay suddenly.

But what was he supposed to do in this situation exactly?

“You untied him?” King Sombra asked at the other end of the table. “Why? You really want him roaming around our fortress?”

By Sombra’s side, Chrysalis smiled thinly. “I agree. I much rather preferred seeing Shining bound and gagged. Call me old-fashioned like that.”

To Shining’s left, Bad Dude had plunked his whole head to his plate of crepes so he could devour them noisily. He looked up with whipped cream covering his cheeks. “Why would we want to keep Shining tied up all day? He’s our guest and we should be treating him as such.”

Sombra grumbled and continued to chew on his blackberry crepes without much emotion. Meanwhile, Chrysalis kept her eyes directly on Shining—exactly what she’d been doing ever since he’d entered their eating room.

Although Shining had never given any breakfast order, the changeling known as “Tac” still gave him a plateful of the sweet stuff and shoved it towards him. It looked like the loaded version Bad Dude had recommended and Shining found he couldn’t stop his stomach from rumbling because of it. Eventually, he took a bite… and then another… and then another until he’d nearly cleared his plate. He found eating to be more of a chore than usual due to not having the use of his horn anymore.

“Like the sock?” Discord asked him playfully, after he’d given life to his plate of crepes and made them all fight each other to the death—blueberry versus strawberry versus banana. The first two to lose, Discord ate. Then he ate the last one regardless after congratulating it and promising it a nice place in Valhalla. “It’s one of my personal polka dot ones.”

Shining wasn’t completely sure what Discord meant until he glanced up and saw something red and brown above him. As it turned out, a long sock had been placed over his horn—what must’ve been cutting off his magic.

“Can’t have you trying to escape or hurt us, can I?” Discord said with a chuckle.

“So what’s stopping me from taking it off?” Shining asked, before he reached up and did just that. Holding the smelly sock in his hoof, he angled his horn at Sombra and tried firing something at him—only for nothing at all to happen.

Discord snorted. “Come on, Shining! Get a grip! You think I’d only have one ‘magic stopping’ sock in stock?”

Glancing up again, Shining found another sock atop his horn—one which he quickly removed. Underneath that second sock was another sock… and another… and another… and by the sixth, he stopped trying altogether and left the sock where it was.

Shining’s shoulders slumped and he sagged against his chair.

This wasn’t what he’d been expecting at all—which was somehow making him worry even more. Upon discovering he’d been kidnapped by four of the worst monsters in all of Equestria, he’d expected horrors the likes no one had ever seen before. Rather than any of that, he was getting the exact opposite of it.

After their changeling chef had served up Lord Tirek’s breakfast, it’d received a warm head scratch in return. Even the nefarious and brooding Sombra had given Tac a small token of affection after being served. Shining looked across the table and found nothing in front of Chrysalis, but that wasn’t anything surprising—changelings fed off of emotions, after all. What was surprising was that Sombra and Bad Dude ended up being the ones responsible for that nourishing emotion: Bad Dude nuzzling into Chrysalis’ neck while Sombra kissed her delicately on the temple and cheek.

“This is weird!” Shining trumpeted, completely out of his control.

“What’s weird, my little snowflake?” Chrysalis cooed. “Breakfast with villains? The fact that we aren’t all trying to tear each other into tiny bits in search of more power?”

Shining nodded hurriedly. “Yes! That! Exactly that!”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “So that’s what you were expecting? For all of us to be villainous caricatures? Mere yelling and laughing brutes with only revenge on the mind at all times? Oh, Shining. Honey bun. That hurts. We do have a life outside of trying to ruin yours, you know. Consider our villainous acts like a hobby of sorts.”

“I’d much rather you all spent your time on something like knitting than attacking the innocent,” Shining stated bluntly.

“I knit sometimes,” Tirek spoke softly. “I’m almost halfway through my first scarf, if anyone wants one.”

Bad Dude anxiously raised a hoof. “I want one! A blue one, please!”

Tirek nodded. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Seriously!?” Shining chirped. “Knitting and scarves? Crepe Mondays? Gooey displays of affection? This is what Equestria is in fear of?”

“Well,” Sombra growled, “we did do quite the number on that Empire of yours… or what used to be my Empire.”

Shining felt a lump form in his throat and decided not to press things further. It was quickly becoming clear who was somewhat on his side and who’d rather see him lifeless and dead. He’d have to stick close to Bad Dude while remaining as far away from Sombra as he could. And probably keep a safe distance away from Chrysalis, too. He could still feel her eyes directly on him.

Shining licked his dry lips. “So, what is the plan, then? You couldn’t have kidnapped me without one in place. So what it is?”

To his side, Discord laughed. “Wouldn’t you like to know!”

Shining nodded. “Yes. Yes, I would since it must involve me somehow.”

Now Chrysalis began to laugh herself. “Let’s just say it is of the upmost importance.”

“That being?” Shining questioned.

Sombra barked out a single laugh. “The less you know the better. All of Equestria will tremble by what happens next.”

“Ditto,” Tirek added absently, currently focused on his half-finished scarf.

Clearly excited, Bad Dude stood up on his chair and stared at them. “Is this another one of those laughing moments? Awesome!” Then, he too, began to laugh wickedly along with the rest of them.

Since no one was talking at the moment, Shining ignored them all and returned to his nearly finished plate of crepes. They were delicious, after all.

While still in mid-laugh, all five villains in the eating room excused themselves. The moment they shut the door behind them, their giggles instantly dried and all of them glanced at each another sheepishly.

“So what is the plan?” Discord started. “Time for some chaos, maybe?”

Tirek pinched the bridge of his nose. “We just had chaos, Discord. A whole Empire worth of it!”

Discord stomped angrily. “But that was yesterday’s chaos! I want chaos today!”

Ignoring the two of them, Chrysalis said, “I really don’t know what we’re supposed to do with him. I’ve never had a plan work out or for this long before. I suppose we could always feast off of his love—all that I’d require would be a soundproof room and a rather large ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.”

“I’m right here, you know?” Sombra exclaimed, before he sighed. “But I do second this soundproof room and Do Not Disturb sign idea… only for far more painful reasons.”

“Oh, don’t be such a grump, Sombra,” Chrysalis told him softly. “I was only kidding.” Too add to her statement, she wrapped a hoof around Sombra’s neck and brought their heads together.

Eventually, Sombra loosened a bit. “Truthfully, I also don’t know what we should be doing with Shining. I’ve never held a hostage before or had a plan succeed to such a degree. Winning is still new to me. It feels weird not being so easily defeated.”

Discord, Tirek, and Chrysalis nodded in agreement.

Discord raised a hand to his face and made his pupils swirl. “I could always hypnotize Shining and make him the exact opposite of his usual self. Sort of like what I did with Twilight and her friends when I was released from stone accidentally.”

Sombra waved a hoof. “They’d be expecting that. And they already know it was us that took him. If we gave him back or he just appeared out of nowhere, they’d question everything.”

“Ransom, then?” Tirek said, cocking a brow. “Could we ask for something in return for giving him back?”

Discord pulled on his beard. “Maybe if we’d managed to grab Cadence instead of Shining. Or one of the Princesses instead of him. Or Twilight or one of her friends. Or Cheerilee, perhaps. Or Big Mac. Or Sweetie Belle. Or Mayor Mare. Or that random pegasus with the bubbles cutie mark. Or Octavia. Or Background Pony No. 465. Or—”

“We get it!” Sombra roared. “Shining Armor isn’t all that important! That only means we need to make him important! So how do we do that? We know he’s related to Twilight and Cadence—two alicorns. Also, two very big threats. That means they’ll be looking for us with the intent on getting Shining back as soon as possible. So how do we twist this around on them and use Shining to our advantage? As a distraction, perhaps?”

“He could start by cleaning out that storage shed we never use,” Discord added. “That would help us a bit.”

Sombra shut his eyes and sighed. “I’m going to go shoot stuff on the roof now. It seems that I’ve already had my daily intake of Discord.”

“I’ll join you,” Chrysalis told him, before they both shuffled off.

While he watched them go, Tirek turned to Bad Dude on the floor. “You were rather quiet. No ideas on what to do with our new guest?”

Bad Dude glanced down for a moment. He hadn’t added anything to the discussion because he’d been thinking about various names and costumes. He looked up at Tirek again.

“Think Shining Armor would make a good villain?”

“Pull!” Sombra shouted, before an end table was hurled into the air by their personally built catapult. Sombra fired his horn at the flying piece of furniture and it obliterated into a large mound of sparks.

Behind Sombra, Toe readied the catapult again—this time with a coat rack. Tic and Tac waited beside the lever to activate it, next to a mound of never-ending bits of stuff to launch into the sky.

Sombra giggled as he watched what remained of the end table float away in the breeze.

Chrysalis was the next one to shoot an item out of the sky with her horn. Her aim was dead on and the coat rack burst into splinters before tumbling towards the ground.

On the roof, Shining sat nervously next to Bad Dude, who was currently reading from one of his comic books. Shining was only waiting for the moment when he’d been loaded into the catapult…

“Want to give it a try, so called Prince?” Sombra asked him snidely. “It’s not so hard. Just aim and shoot and try not to die.”

Shining grimaced. “There’s still a sock on my horn, Sombra, if you hadn’t noticed.”

Lighting up the tip of his horn, Sombra cast a spell around Shining and the polka dot sock slipped off and landed on his lap.

“There,” Sombra told him, “no more sock. Now let’s see just how powerful you think you are.”

Shining got to his hooves and went to stand in front of the catapult. The changelings loaded it up with a thick wooden desk and got prepared to launch it. But instead of focusing on the piece of furniture, Shining kept his sights on King Sombra, who was standing less than a foot away from the edge of the roof. Could he hit him hard enough to stun or injure him? Perhaps knock him unconscious so he would fall over and finally be gone once and for all?

Shining had never been one to want to hurt others—especially kill. But Sombra had already died before and as far as Shining was concerned, he should’ve remained that way.

“Fire!” Sombra yelled, before chuckling.

Spinning on the spot, Shining turned to Sombra and charged up his horn with everything he had and let it loose. The effect was horrifying… to Shining. All that came out of the tip of his horn was a giant mound of colorful confetti—which Sombra took head on while laughing all the while. Soon tears started spilling down his cheeks.

Sombra pointed a hoof at him. “You think I’d honestly give you back your powers, fake Prince? Fine. I’ll let you shoot all the confetti you’d like while you’re here. But, remember, you’ll be the one cleaning it up.”

When Sombra started rolling on the roof in delight, Shining sighed and went back to sit down next to Bad Dude. Glumly, he picked up an issue of Pony Ponies 2099 that he never got around to reading before.

“Bad Dude?” Sombra called. “A word, if you’d be so kind.”

Bad Dude set down his comic book and trotted over to him. He told Sombra earnestly, “That wasn’t very nice what you did to Shining, Sombra. He’s our guest and we want him on our side, don’t we?”

Once Bad Dude was close enough, Sombra knelt to him and all original giddiness left his face. He spoke thickly, “I don’t know. Do we really want him on our team? Or maybe the better question is do we really want you on our team?”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened against his head. “What? Why would you say that? I started this team!”

“That you did. But now it is a rather strong team—something to be feared, indeed. But this team is only as strong as its weakest link, Bad Dude. And yesterday you showed me your greatest weakness firsthoof.”

Bad Dude sniffled. “You mean…”

Sombra nodded. “You saved one of the Elements of Harmony—our sworn enemy. You should have let her fall and we would’ve been all the better for it.”

“But she would’ve died!” Bad Dude protested. “Isn’t it better to have more ponies around in the long run? And maybe… maybe she’d want to be a villain someday too!”

Sombra shook his head. “I see great potential in you, Bad Dude, and I care for you deeply. I even want to make you my Prince someday. But softness is not welcome in this group; especially against those that are trying to thwart us.” He laid a hoof on Bad Dude’s shoulder. “So you owe me something, Bad Dude. One big something.”

“Like what?” Bad Dude asked tentatively.

“In the next twenty four hours you owe me one nefarious deed.”

“Like playing hooky in school? Or telling my mom her spaghetti isn’t all that great?”

Sombra bared his teeth at him. “One nefarious deed, Bad Dude, so I know you’re serious about this group. And you can’t ask for help from anyone inside this Coalition. It’s up to you and you alone on this one. Understand?”

Frowning, Bad Dude eventually nodded and Sombra left him be.

“What am I going to do now?” Bad Dude squeaked out.

Author's Notes:

Next chapter titled: "Who Would Help Bad Dude Bury A Dead Body?"

Or not...

The Rainbow Dash Relief Fund

Shining Armor fidgeted uneasily on his tiny bed. He’d only been in C.U.T.E’s clutches for less than a day and already being there was eating at him. Every few moments he’d find himself staring at his door again, curious about who was about to storm inside and harass him. So far… no one had, which almost made him more restless than if they would.

He was an important hostage, wasn’t he? He wasn’t merely taken from the Crystal Empire because it was convenient at the time, right? What a blow to the ego it would be if that ended up being the case.

“This is useless,” Shining muttered, rising from his bed to stare out the window again. He looked down at the thousands of feet between him and the Earth. If only he’d been born a pegasus or got an upgrade like his sister had. Maybe if he could somehow get his magic back, he could jump out the window and wrap himself up in a protective bubble right before he hit the dirt.

Then he thought of what might happen should his magical bubble not be exactly up to the challenge. That made him shudder, so he turned away from the window.

“Shining!” a familiar voice called to him. “Oh, I’ve finally found you!”

In the center of his room, Shining whirled on the spot to witness the most wonderful of sights—Princess Cadence hovering right outside of his lone window. Pulling her wings to her sides, she effortlessly flew inside the room and straightened herself out, tossing a bit of mane out of her eyes.

“We’ve been searching over all of Equestria for you!” Cadence told him breathlessly. “And finally we’ve found you! I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve missed you, my love. The Empire… the Empire is in great need of repair and only together can we see that it gets done. Have they harmed you at all?”

Shining shook his head, nearly speechless by the sudden turn of events. “No, not really. Actually, they’ve been rather nice to me—or Bad Dude has, at least. Sombra wants to eat my guts, clearly; Chrysalis is a nut-job; Tirek’s knitting me a pair of socks for some reason.”

Cadence rolled her eyes. “Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to call Chrysalis a nut-job, Shining. She may just be under a lot of stress lately that you simply wouldn’t know about.”

Sighing, Shining told her, “It really doesn’t matter now. I’m so happy you’ve found me, Cadence. Now let’s get out of here and tell the other Princesses where C.U.T.E’s base of operations is. I have a feeling if we strike them unawares we could finish them off for good. And then give Bad Dude the worst time out of his life.”

Cadence anxiously nodded along. “Yes, yes. All in good time, my sweet. But before we depart from this terrible place… perhaps a kiss for your cute, little wife?”

This caught Shining off guard. It also made him smile for the first time in a long time. Here he’d been so preoccupied with trying to escape, he’d completely forgotten to be thankful that his wife was alive and well. And still madly in love with him, by the sounds of it.

He leaned in for a kiss while Cadence grabbed his head and pulled him forward. Their lips mashed together harder than a sledgehammer hit and Shining let out a grunt in response.

When all was said and done, Cadence released him and sighed contently. “That was nice. Perhaps there’s still time for…?” She let the question hang in the air as she wiggled a single brow mischievously.

Shining blanched. “What? Here? We need to escape, Cadence! They could check up on me at any moment and—”

Ignoring his outburst, Cadence strolled to the room’s thin bed to lay on. “But doesn’t that just add to the mood, my Prince? The odds of being caught and captured all over again? The high possibility of Bad Dude trotting inside here and being traumatized for life?”

Shining closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’ve heard enough. We’re escaping. Now.” Walking to the bed, he hooked a foreleg around Cadence’s middle to force her up.

Cadence, meanwhile, fought his every move. “But I’m the Princess of Love! And now I want some love, Shining! I wouldn’t deny you a whole whack load of shiny armor if you wanted some!”

Nearing the window with Cadence in tow, Shining finally stopped as his shoulders slumped. He spoke emotionlessly, “You’re Chrysalis, aren’t you? Damn it! Why did I even fall for that?”

A large smirk ate up Cadence’s face. “I don’t have to be Chrysalis right now, though; I could be your sweet little Cadence for a whole afternoon, Shining. I promise I won’t tell if you won’t.”

Shining paled. “You’re disgusting. And aren’t you with Sombra now?”

Chrysalis barked out a laugh. “We have a very understanding relationship. He just doesn’t want me appearing as myself. So no Cadence, then? Someone younger perhaps?”

In a whirl of green flames, the image of Cadence disappeared and was replaced by one of Fluttershy. She raised a brow at him.

“Just leave me alone,” Shining implored her desperately.

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes at him. “Or perhaps you’re the really sick and twisted type.”

That was when Chrysalis transformed into Twilight Sparkle and Shining had to fight with himself not to vomit out that morning’s delicious plate of crepes.

“I’m not one to judge,” Chrysalis chuckled out. “Isn’t that right, Apple Pony?” Another blast of green flames revealed yet another false image—this time Big Mac’s.

“Yepperoni!” he spoke happily.

Fearing his brain cells would start killing themselves in self defense soon, Shining collapsed to the floor and held his head in a hoof. He roughly informed her, “For the record, it’s ‘Eeyup’. Idiot.”

Chrysalis finally revealed her true self and exhaled out in frustration. “That’s what you heroes lack. No fun to be found in any of you. All I wanted was a little love—a tasty mid-day snack. Don’t have to be such a grump about it.”

Someone knocked on the door before entering.

“Shining?” Bad Dude asked tentatively. “Think you could help me with something? If you’re not busy that is.”

In a split second, Shining was on his hooves again and bounding for the door. Using his hooves, he scooped Bad Dude up and held him against his chest. “Oh, yes! Oh, Celestia, yes! Anything, Bad Dude! Let’s do anything as long as it doesn’t involve Chrysalis and gets me out of this room!”

Bad Dude furrowed his brows. “What would Chrysalis have to do with anything?”

“Because…” Shining started, before he turned around and found Chrysalis nowhere to be found. She must’ve escaped out the window when Bad Dude knocked. “Never mind. What do you need help with? Hoof painting? A popsicle stick birdhouse?”

Bad Dude shook his head. “Nah. Maybe another time. Actually, I need help performing a nefarious deed otherwise I might be in trouble with Sombra, and I really don’t want that. And I can’t ask anyone else in the group for help with it. So what sort of nefarious deed do you think I’d be good at?”

A brand new idea struck Shining like a bolt of lightning from the sky. “I have the greatest nefarious deed idea, Bad Dude.”

That good news got Bad Dude’s tail wagging. “Really? What it is?”

Shining let go of Bad Dude to whisper to him, “Let me go completely unharmed. Release me right this instant.”

Bad Dude became puzzled by that. “What? Why would I do that?”

“Think about it, Bad Dude,” Shining began to explain, placing a gentle hoof on his shoulder. “Imagine if you will: Sombra and company enter my room later in the day and see I’m absolutely nowhere to be found. ‘Where did he go?’ they ask. That’s when you pop up and exclaim, ‘I released him! Because that completely goes against what we wanted and, boy, isn’t that just darn nefarious of me!’ And then they’d all shake their heads and agree at once and I’d sleep soundly in bed with my wife again. Sound like a plan, partner? Okay, let’s do it!”

As Shining flashed the most pleasant smile he could muster, Bad Dude didn’t budge from his spot. Instead he brought a hoof up to his chin to ponder with. “I dunno about it, Shining…” he started. “I think they’d just be mad at me for letting you go. Couldn’t you just help me perform a nefarious deed? Pretty please?”

Shining could feel his only chance at escape slipping away from him. “Second idea! Truly nefarious, I promise! What if you give up and turn yourself in?” He let that sentence hang in the air for a moment. “Imagine: Bad Dude turns against his own team and joins forces with the Elements of Harmony! Discord would be all like, ‘That’s mighty nefarious if I do say so myself!’ And Chrysalis would add, ‘Truly the most nefarious of ponies are the ones that can’t be trusted!’ And then Twilight and I would give you ice cream and belly rubs and whatever else you might want for turning against your own team. What do you say to that, Bad Dude? Sounds pretty nefarious to me.”

Bad Dude continued holding his ‘pondering’ pose. “But I don’t want to leave the group, Shining. I really like everyone and I would never want to betray them. But that does give me an idea, though!”

Shining grimaced. “What does?”

“Turning against your own team,” Bad Dude clarified. “I could totally convince you to become a villain like all of us! What do you think of the name Shadow Shield?”

“Shadow Shield? What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know. But it sounds cool, doesn’t it?”

A lump of ice dropped into Shining’s stomach. “What’s the alternative?”

Bad Dude shrugged. “I guess I’d go do nefarious stuff on my own and leave you here. Sombra said he had some stuff planned today and wanted your help with them. He was laying a lot of garbage bags out on the floor in the living room for some reason earlier. Not sure why exactly.”

Shining gulped dryly. “Shadow Shield it is!”

“Trixie told you she could handle it!” Trixie spoke loudly, her chin held high. “Trixie has made quite a few acquaintances during her years as a traveling magician.” She lowered her tone for a moment. “And if this works… put in a good word for Trixie with the Coalition? Yes?”

Bad Dude nodded. “Of course! So, who are these two you wanted me to meet?”

“Why none other than the two greatest sales ponies around, my young colt!”

From behind a large red curtain walked out two identical unicorns with matching vests and hats. One had a mustache while the other was cleanly shaven. They both spoke so loud, it was as if they thought everyone they talked to must’ve been legally deaf.

“Need one nefarious deed done from what I understand? Well, say no more! Equestria’s very own world famous Flim and Flam Brothers are at your service!” said Flam, giving his trademark mustache a quick flick. “As long as we get to keep the proceeds that may be created during the course of today, clearly. And a solid word with your group, as well.”

By Flam’s side, Flim did a tiny bow. “Quite the honor to be working with such a well-known villain, Bad Dude; word has spread about what you and your group accomplished at the Crystal Empire and we are most impressed. Not that I’d ever consider myself or my brother as real villains, mind you—rather hard working sales ponies that just so happen to have a constant bad reputation for one unknown reason or another.”

Flam nodded. “Very well said, Flim. As hard as we try, ponies still don’t seem to trust us anymore. I’m not sure why, exactly.” He looked down at Bad Dude. “Ready to hear the scam?”

Bad Dude anxiously tapped his hooves together. “Is it nefarious, though? Like really nefarious? I only have a few hours left to pull off something nefarious and I really don’t want to screw it up.”

Film waved a hoof. “Easy, my young friend! It’s the darn near perfect plan! Trixie here will go around town and drum up business in her usual smoke-and-mirrors style, while Flam and I will set up our booth just outside of this tent. What’s that you may ask? What’s the booth outside this tent for?”

“But I didn’t say—” Bad Dude began before being interrupted.

“For the one and only ‘Rainbow Dash Relief Fund’ of course!” Flam continued for his brother, adding a touch of sorrow to his voice. “News has spread that one of the greats has fallen in battle recently—the greatest pegasus known to pony kind, Rainbow Dash. Right this moment, she is trapped in a hospital, stuck in a cute coma no one’s sure she’ll ever fully recover from.”

“Hey!” Bad Dude stomped a tiny hoof. “Rainbow Dash is just fine! She only needed some bed rest after the battle!”

Flam rolled his eyes. “Well, duh! That’s why it’s called a scam, Mr. Dude! We tell ponies all around Ponyville that Rainbow Dash is hurt and needs money to cover her hospital bills and in return, they’ll receive…” From out of his pocket he pulled out a crudely-made bobble head doll that had Rainbow Dash’s likeness to it. “One Special Limited Edition Specifically Numbered Element of Harmony Figurine! Complete with carrying case and matching thermos set!”

“Oh, wow!” Bad Dude yelped. “Can I have one? I think I have some money back at home.”

This time it was Flim that rolled his eyes. “It’s a scam, kid! There’s only one figure available and it just so happens to be the one my brother’s holding. We tell ponies to collect all six Elements of Harmony figurines, they give us their bits, and then we write down their address to mail it to them later. They get a cool toy and feel better by helping out a worthy cause—and in the end, we skip town with all their money! Winning!”

“And you think that’s nefarious enough?” Bad Dude asked uncertain.

Flam answered, “If you really wanted ponies to give us bits, you could always shove a pillow over Rainbow Dash’s face and finish the job once and for all. Up to you, kiddo.”

Bad Dude’s jaw dropped. “I wouldn’t do that!”

“It’s a joke, Bad Dude. Lighten up.” Flam chuckled. “You’re a sales pony now! And sales ponies have a great time, all the time!”

“I don’t think this is a very good idea, Bad Dude.”

Flim and Flam shrieked at the exact same time. Flam asked breathlessly, “What the bits was that? I thought it was just you and Trixie in this tent.”

Out of the shadows of the tent’s corner came an armored stallion dressed all in black. On his head was a thick helmet with curving purple horns and over his back was a cape with the initials “S.S.” stitched into it. His face-covering helmet lowered his voice so much it was barely recognizable anymore.

“That’s just Shadow Shield,” Bad Dude answered earnestly. “Well, actually, it’s Shining Armor, but I’m slowly corrupting him.”

“No, you’re not,” spoke Shadow Shield. “This helmet just makes me sound much eviler than I actually am. Also, I can hardly move under all of this armor.”

“But it looks so cool!” Bad Dude explained. “And it’s heavy so you’ll look more intimidating and won’t run off on me.”

“Let’s get this over with, then…” Shadow Shield sighed. “But don’t think I’ll be forgetting about this, Bad Dude. I’ll be keeping track of every single pony you steal from today and when your group is no more, I’ll personally make sure they all get their bits back.”

“Okay, Shadow Shield.” Bad Dude turned back to Flim and Flam. “So what can I do to help? This is kinda supposed to be my big plan, after all.”

Flim and Flam chuckled together. “You really don’t know how popular you’ve become, do you? Ever since that Empire attack, word’s spread about you, Bad Dude. I don’t think it would be wise having you running around town without a proper disguise.”

Bad Dude grimaced. “A disguise? Like what?”

Flam grinned brightly. “Glad you asked! For only ten easy payments of sixteen bits, you can own your very own patented Sales Pony Mustache!” From one of his vest pockets, Flam pulled out a small red-and-white fake mustache. “Look as it glistens in the light! So shiny! So soft! So mesmerizing, isn’t it?”

Flim gasped from the fake mustache’s sight. “Any pony that wears one of these is guaranteed to see an instant ten-percent increase in all sales! As well as a full twenty-percent increase in all bartering prices! And did we mention the full eighty-percent increase in overall handsomeness?”

“Wow!” Bad Dude whispered. “I need to have one of those! Like right now!”

“No, you don’t,” spoke Shadow Shield lowly. “They’re scamming you, Bad Dude. It’s just a fake mustache. That should be obvious.”

Flam exhaled angrily. “Oh, what does that oversized tin can know? I bet he doesn’t even have the face to handle such a fine mustache. I pity him. I truly do.”

“Can we get on with this already?” Trixie harrumphed. “It’s not like Trixie has more important things to get to today or anything.”

“Okay, team! Let’s go!” Bad Dude shouted happily, firmly attaching Flim and Flam’s fake mustache to his face. It was weird, but he somehow did feel more handsome just by wearing it. Taking a breath, he pulled back the curtains on the tent and entered the booth just outside of it.

“Hello, Ponyville! Who’s ready to give some bits to a good cause?”

Bad Dude’s next sentence instantly dried in his throat as he saw three ponies he desperately didn’t want to that day start marching towards him:

Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo.

Author's Notes:

Okay. Not the craziest ending to a chapter. Consider this part 1 of 2 of "Nefarious Deed Doing".

Question time! Say CUTE throws a "villains only" party soon. Which 5 villains not part of the group would you like to see attend/get involved in some shenanigans? (Trixie/Flim and Flam can still be included.)

Please let me know!

Fruit Stands And Bowling Balls

“What did that little kid say?” someone from the murmuring crowd said.

“Isn’t he a little young for a mustache?” asked someone else.

“What’s this all about? Ponies are yelling and now I’m curious about what they’re all yelling about!” shouted one last member of the crowd.

On the small stage, Flam nudged Bad Dude’s shoulder in order to get his attention. In return, Bad Dude roughly cleared his throat. He faced the anxious audience again. “Greetings, Ponyville! How are you all doing today?”

A drop of sweat rolled down Bad Dude’s head as not a single pony answered his rather simple question.

“Tough crowd, I see!” Flim exclaimed from behind Bad Dude, stepping to the center of the stage. “I only hope you’ll all loosen up when you hear about our amazing offer today!”

“Did someone say amazing, Flim?” Flam loudly asked his brother.

“Why yes, Flam!” Flim replied. “Yes, I did! Because of the deal we have today, you’ll all be—”

“What’s that colt’s name?”

That lone voice in the crowd made Bad Dude seize up on the spot. Out of the thick of ponies walked out Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo; Sweetie Belle’s brows furrowed while she looked up at the three of them.

Sweetie Belle asked them, “I know you’re the Flim Flam brothers, but who’s that? He looks so… familiar?” She turned to her friends. “Doesn’t he, girls?”

“Sort of,” Apple Bloom answered.

“Maybe it’s the mustache,” Scootaloo added helpfully. “Not many colts with mustaches these days.”

Flam awkwardly pulled on his bow tie for a moment. “Haven’t we introduced the third Flim Flam brother? Oh, dear! Where is my head today? This here is little… Flan! Yep! Let’s go with that!”

Sweetie Belle frowned. “Flim, Flam, and Flan?”

“Yes, indeed!” Flim shouted. “Our mother hated us all equally! But please be patient, sweet child o’ mine! We’ve got to get to our wonderful deal right this very second!”

Flam raised one of his hooves into the air. “Who here’s heard about the heroic pegasus known as Rainbow Dash?”

Most of the crowd raised their hooves.

“And who here’s heard about her terrible accident at the Crystal Empire? Fighting for your basic rights to live freely and party hearty?”

Again, most of the crowd raised a hoof.

Flim gave an exaggerated sigh. “Then, of course, you must know that she has been left in a terrible state from that fight—clinging to life as hard as I would cling to a stack of coins. Doctors say she has days—neigh, hours—left to live. And you know what her last request was?”

A lone stallion in the crowd burst out in tears. “What!? Tell us! Please!”

In a hushed tone, Flam told the audience, “That every home in Ponyville would have their very own collectable Rainbow Dash figurine up on their mantle place—all so that her memory would live on for generations to come.”

Flim rested his head on Flam’s shoulder. “I can’t think of anything nobler than that. Rainbow Dash truly is the hero Ponyville deserves.” Gingerly, he glanced at the listening audience. “Now if only there were some decent ponies with bits nearby that would grant Rainbow Dash her last wish…”

The crowd reacted like a cannon had gone off; rushing to the stage while grabbing at their sacks of bits. It was only when Sweetie Belle and her friends stepped in front of them that they halted what they were doing.

“Wait!” Apple Bloom yelled to them. “Don’t you realize what they’re trying to do? This is Flim and Flam, remember? They’re con artists!”

“Hey, kid!” Flam protested. “I’ll sue you for defamation of character! Why… we’ve only tried robbing from this town twice! That’s like… less than five. That isn’t so bad.”

“Whatever happened to third chances?” Flim asked Apple Bloom. “Is Discord the only creature in Equestria that gets those these days?” He lowered his head sadly. “And here I thought Ponyville was the most accepting of towns… turns out it was Manehattan all along…” He let his sentence dangle in the air as the crowd began to fume.

“Manehattan!?” someone screamed. “More accepting than Ponyville? I’ll show them who’s accepting! Here! Take my bits and even more bits! Think you brothers could babysit my kids next week unsupervised?”

A mare in the crowd patted the screaming pony’s shoulder. “Now that there sounds like some genuine Ponyville-style acceptance!”

That Manehattan remark seemed to do the trick. Like a raging flood, all members of the audience rushed to the stage to give either Flim or Flam their bits so the brothers could record their information in order to be “sent” their very own Rainbow Dash figurine later on. Try as they might to dispel them, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were plainly ignored.

Flam broke away from collecting bits to whisper to Bad Dude. “This crowd’s a bunch of idiots. Show them the toy and seal the deal, kid.”

Bad Dude gave a nod and grabbed their lone Rainbow Dash doll from the tent. When he came back to the front of the stage, he held it above his head like some long lost artifact. “Behold! One of these could be in your own home! Isn’t that neat?”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “That toy looks nothing like Rainbow Dash. And since when was she at death’s door? All three of us saw her less than a day ago.”

A stallion about to hoof over his sack of bits turned to them. “Is this true, Flan?”

Bad Dude’s cheeks reddened as he grasped for the best possible defense. “Nu-uh!”

The stallion turned to Scootaloo. “Is this true, Scootaloo?”

Sweetie Belle growled deep within her throat. “Nothing about this is right! Flim and Flam are only taking advantage of everyone again!” She pointed a hoof right at Bad Dude. “And what’s with that mustache? It doesn’t even match your mane or tail. It must be fake!”

“Is this true—” was as far as the random stallion got out before Sweetie Belle jumped off her friend’s back to land on the stage. Before anyone could move, she used her horn to rip off the fake mustache on Bad Dude’s face.

Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and her gasped.

“It’s Sweet Glaze!” Apple Bloom yelled.

Scootaloo shook her head. “No, it’s not. Look! He’s wearing a cape! Sweet Glaze doesn’t wear capes. That means—”

“That means it’s actually Bad Dude!” Sweetie Belle finished for her.

There was only a moment of silence in the air before all heck broke loose in Ponyville.

“Run! Quick! Before Bad Dude melts your eyes out with his heat vision!”

Up on the stage, Bad Dude gulped dryly. “I don’t do that! Honest!”

“Let’s get out of here! It’s only a matter of time until Bad Dude drinks the very innocence out of your soul and becomes even cuter than before!”

“That’s…” Bad Dude pursed his lips. “That’s oddly specific, but I don’t do that, either!”

As every member of the crowd ran in all directions away from the stage, only three ponies stayed behind. Sweetie Belle took another step closer to Bad Dude. “Just what are you planning, Bad Dude? Are you going to destroy Ponyville like you did with the Crystal Empire?”

Apple Bloom’s eyes shot open. “What? Destroying Ponyville? Not my farm! I’ve already rebuilt that thing like three times this year!”

Bad Dude was shaking his head as he backed away from Sweetie Belle. “No! That wasn’t the plan! We were only going to take some bits from everyone! That’s it!”

Scootaloo helped Apple Bloom up onto the stage, then climbed up herself. “Seems a little tame, if you ask me. Where’re the bits going, Bad Dude? Some super giant laser to cut Equestria in half?”

“Laser?” Bad Dude questioned.

“Now Bad Dude’s got a laser!?” a frantic pony running by screamed. “Everyone run for your lives!”

“That’s it!” Sweetie Belle trumpeted. “We’re taking you in, Bad Dude! For we are the Equestrian Villain Incarceration League! And my sister will be super, super proud once my friends and I put a stop to you!”

Bad Dude thought on that. “Equestrian Villain Incarceration League? So you’re actually… E.V.I.L.?”

“You bet we are! And we are sworn to stop—” Apple Bloom started, before realizing something. “Wait. Why did none of us notice that before? We don’t want ponies thinking we’re ‘evil’, do we?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Then just say the full name, Apple Bloom. Like: ‘Here’s the Equestrian Villain Incarceration League at your service!’”

Apple Bloom blanched. “The whole thing? No pony has time for that, Scootaloo!”

Sweetie Belle turned to them. “She’s sort of right. By the time we’re done saying our team’s full name, any villain we may be after could escape and—”

“Like what Bad Dude’s doing right now?” Scootaloo asked.

They all turned to find Bad Dude jumping off the stage and hurrying towards the center of town. Without much thought, they all trailed close behind him.

Bad Dude’s cape bounced aimlessly on his back as he hurried up the street. Where exactly was he going? He hadn’t a clue. All he knew was that it had to be in the opposite direction of the three fillies in hot pursuit of him.

Quickly, he spared a glance to his side and exhaled in relief. “Flim! Flam! Help me! There’re three fillies chasing me and—”

Flim and Flam stopped loading their wagon with sacks of bits to turn to him. “Sorry, kiddo!” Flam told him earnestly. “The scam’s been compromised, you see, so that means that my brother and I need to get outta town! But if it makes you feel any better, this distraction of yours is giving us the perfect opportunity to escape! Have a good one!”

“But—” Bad Dude squeaked out, before he decided it best to save his breath.

A few moments later, Bad Dude entered the marketplace and narrowly avoided crashing into a fruit stand. Hurrying along, he heard one of the fillies chasing him plow into it instead. That was good. That would give him a moment to gain some distance between—

“Ow!”

While in mid-thought, Bad Dude avoided another fruit stand only to run muzzle-first into a stand loaded with small cactus plants and bowling balls. Holding his nose, he fell to the ground and sniffled quietly.

“Watch out where you're runnin', colt!” the owner of the stand exclaimed. “You might’a damaged one of my bowling balls with ya face!”

Bad Dude got back to his hooves and mentally added “The Owner of the Hard and Pointy Object Stand” to his growing list of C.U.T.E. enemies. Then he rounded the closest corner he could find.

“Crap! A dead end!” Bad Dude yelped, as all that was at the end of the alleyway was a trashcan and a tall chain-link fence.

Bad Dude spun around to escape, but Apple Bloom had already blocked the exit. Soon Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo joined her.

Bad Dude pointed a hoof above their heads. “Look! A sale on bows!”

Apple Bloom whirled around. “Really? Where?”

Scootaloo sighed. “Stay focused, Apple Bloom. We’ve got him cornered.”

Sweetie Belle took another step closer to Bad Dude. “Come with us quietly, Bad Dude, and I promise that…” Her mouth hung open for a moment. “Well, I promise that things will be a whole lot quieter if you come with us quietly.”

Adamantly, Bad Dude shook his head. “I don’t want to! I’m Bad Dude! And Bad Dude never surrenders!”

“You need to stop what you’re doing, Bad Dude,” Apple Bloom implored him. “There’re ponies from the Crystal Empire staying at my farm because of you. You destroyed their home. Stop all this craziness before you do something even worse.”

Bad Dude was at a momentary loss for words. “I… what? The Empire’s fine. We just didn’t take it over yet. But we’ll try again soon, I’m sure.”

“Enough talk!” Scootaloo said. “Let’s get him!”

The three fillies stormed up the alleyway, causing Bad Dude to retreat and climb atop the lone trashcan near the fence. Although it gave him a boost up, it was nowhere near high enough to let him jump the fence. It seemed as if the end was near, until:

“I know! Discord!”

Bad Dude hurriedly reached into the small backpack under his cape to retrieve the silver whistle Discord had given to him right before going to see Sombra. With any luck, Discord would come once he gave it a blow. So he did.

And nothing happened.

Bad Dude’s ears flattened. “Discord? Help! Please?”

He blew again. And nothing happened.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “We’re not afraid of whistles, Bad Dude.”

“Yeah! Only Rarity is!” Sweetie Belle added, before she used her horn to shake the trashcan Bad Dude was on.

Bad Dude had to concentrate not to fall to the street below. That was when something else came to mind. He opened his eyes up wide and stuck out his bottom lip. “Please don’t turn me in! Please? I’m really sorry and promise not to do it again! Pretty please?”

The three fillies all looked at each other.

“What’s he doing?” Apple Bloom asked.

“I think he’s trying to be cute,” Sweetie Belle answered. “You know—his special talent.”

“Does anyone feel anything?” Apple Bloom asked.

The three fillies shook their heads.

“I guess it might not work on foals all that well.”

Bad Dude stomped a hoof on the trashcan lid. “No way! I totally got you!”

Apple Bloom shook her head. “Then you missed. But here… take my super powered Apple Breath Attack!”

She lightly blew into the air. Nothing happened.

Now Apple Bloom stomped a hoof. “Hey! That was a direct hit! You should fall down now, Bad Dude!”

Bad Dude disagreed. “Nope! That’s because… uh… my cape has invisible protection against all apple related attacks! Yep! It sure does!”

“Now you’re just cheating! It can’t do all—”

That was when Sweetie Belle jammed a hoof into Apple Bloom’s mouth.

“What are you doing, Apple Bloom?” she asked, before retrieving her slobbery hoof.

Apple Bloom shrugged. “I dunno. I thought we were playing good ponies and bad ponies.”

“But this is real! This is Bad Dude and he needs to be stopped!”

Bad Dude yelped when something fell onto his back. He turned his head and found a familiar sight straddling him, as light as a feather.

“Discord!” Bad Dude greeted happily. “Where’ve you been? I used the whistle and everything!”

Grinning widely, Discord informed him, “I heard. And then I came. And then I watched this cute little fight from a distance while eating gumballs. Didn’t think I was going to break up this adorable little battle yet, did you?” He directed his attention to the three fillies on the ground. “Hello, girls. Finish all your homework this week?”

Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes at him. “Get out of here, Discord! You’re even worse than Bad Dude here! Now we’re going to take him to Twilight!”

Discord loudly groaned. “Boring. Oh, so boring. Oddly enough, I don’t think I’ll be doing anything you ponies want. That just wouldn’t be like me. But what I will do is give Bad Dude the slightest of reprieves. Everyone ready? Okay. Here we go!”

Using his eagle’s claw, Discord snapped his fingers and Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were instantly teleported to the mouth of the alleyway again. A second later, Bad Dude’s shoulders dropped. He was still trapped. Nothing had changed, right?

“Oh. Awesome.”

The fence behind him had been given a colt-sized hole at its bottom.

The chase continued.

Bad Dude rushed through another section of town, hopeful to finally lose the trio of fillies behind him. Sadly, every time he turned around and looked, it felt as if they only gained on him. Maybe Bad Dude needed more exercise and fewer sweets in his life. It was hard, though. Tic, Tac, and Toe all cooked excellent breakfast items.

As he trotted towards the newer end of town, he caught sight of a trio of homes in the middle of being built. The basic frames had been made for each of them and most of their walls and roofs had been complete—all that was left to do was the doors and window frames. A “DANGER—CONSTRUCTION” sign had been set up out front.

“Look out! It’s Bad Dude!” yelled one of the workers.

This started another wave of ponies clambering to get away from him. At least this time, Bad Dude was a bit more prepared. “Wait!” he spoke, as innocently as he could. “Don’t run away from me, okay? Just… walk as you normally would.”

The dozen or so workers stopped in mid-sprint and did as they were told, almost as if hypnotized. The few that weren’t looking in Bad Dude’s direction as he spoke continued to run away as if their manes were on fire. A few crashed into more nearby fruit stands.

“Knock it off, Bad Dude!” Apple Bloom yelled from behind him.

Bad Dude didn’t bother to turn; instead running into one of the unfinished houses. He dashed across the room and hid behind a stack of leftover planks.

He could hear them enter the building behind him.

“Where’d he get to now?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Maybe he’s on the second floor,” Scootaloo suggested. “I’ll go check it out.”

Something cracked.

“Be careful on those stairs, Scootaloo. They might not be finished yet.”

Scootaloo snorted. “I’m always careful, Sweetie Belle. It’s not like this place is gonna fall apart or—”

Now something loudly snapped. A bit of sawdust fell from the ceiling.

“Get off of there, Scootaloo!” Sweetie Belle yelled to her.

Bad Dude looked up just in time to glimpse the ceiling above him crack and split. He dove to the side to narrowly avoid a bathtub falling through the floor above him.

“Children! There is no escape! You must come with me if you want to live!”

Bad Dude could’ve recognized that deep voice from anywhere. Exiting from his hiding spot, he shouted, “Shadow Shield! Get them out of here! This place isn’t safe!”

Bad Dude watched as Scootaloo leapt off the collapsing staircase and into the hooves of her friends on the ground. After the dust settled, the half-built home stopped creaking altogether.

“Shadow Shield?” Sweetie Belle questioned uneasily. “Oh, no! That means Bad Dude has back up! We need to get out of here!”

By the entrance to the house, the tall, dark, and imposing Shadow Shield held out an armored hoof to the three of them. “Girls! It is I, Shining Armor! Fear not! Come to me and try not to touch any of the support beams. This place is very fragile right now. Bad Dude! Come here! I don’t want to see you getting hurt, either.”

“Shining Armor!?” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “That means Bad Dude turned him into a villain somehow! That means we can’t trust him, girls!”

Shadow Shield shook his head. “No, Sweetie Belle. It is only the armor that makes me seem much eviler than I am. Please, don’t do anything fool—”

“Only a true villain would say that!” Scootaloo interjected. “Trying to gain our trust with lies! Quick! Let’s do the exact opposite of what he said!”

While the three fillies ran in the opposite direction of the looming figure blocking the doorway, Shadow Shield sighed deep within his armor. His first hulking step into the building cracked the fresh wood underneath him, sending a row of jagged cracks rippling across the floor.

Apple Bloom turned back for only a second, but when she did, she accidentally ran directly into one of the building’s support beams, knocking it an inch out of place. This caused the house to moan like some wounded animal—before everything began to break apart around them.

Bad Dude could only shake his head from the sight. How could three small fillies cause so much destruction in such a short amount of time?

“Hurry!” Bad Dude called to them. “I’ll give you a boost out the window!”

As planks of wood and solid red bricks came crashing down around them, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo ran to Bad Dude and stopped in a huff.

Below an unfinished windowsill, Bad Dude lowered himself like a stepping stool. “Jump on! You should be able to reach the window if I give you a boost.”

Apple Bloom stared at him confused. “Why would you want to help us? You’re a villain. Villains only want to hurt ponies.”

“That’s not true,” Bad Dude said dourly. “Villains don’t always need to hurt others—maybe some of them only want attention for once. Or maybe—”

All the air in Bad Dude’s chest shot out of his mouth as Scootaloo jumped on his back and onto the windowsill. She turned back to them, “We don’t have time for speeches! We need to escape!”

The two remaining fillies gave a curt nod and used Bad Dude to propel themselves to their friend. When they got their balance back, they all reached out a hoof towards Bad Dude. Just then Bad Dude heard an extra large cracking sound above him.

“Get out of here!” he shouted to the three of them before shoving them out the window.

A wide section of the second floor came crashing down, blocking the open windowsill and cancelling Bad Dude’s closest escape route. That collapse started a chain reaction, as the entire two-story wall started to drop inwards and directly towards Bad Dude.

“Get down,” spoke Shadow Shield, covering Bad Dude wholly with his armored frame.

Safely on the street outside, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo could only watch as the house they’d just been in collapsed to its side, colliding with the unfinished house next to it. Once that house was hit, it, too, fell to its side and took out the third unfinished house on the block.

When all was said and done, there was little else but rubble and bits of wood in their wake.

“You think Bad Dude’s okay?” Sweetie Belle asked sheepishly. “I mean… I never meant to get him hurt or anything.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo tried to reassure her, even if her overall tone still held some worry. “Villains never really die, remember? We all thought King Sombra was dead, but he’s still around somehow.”

Apple Bloom gulped dryly. “But Sombra was a real villain. Bad Dude just saved us in there. What kind of villain even does that?”

Scootaloo answered, “A very confused one, I guess.”

“You’re both welcome,” Discord spoke snidely, back inside of Shining Armor’s personal quarters in their fortress. “I won’t bother mentioning this to the others, because truthfully it doesn’t make me look all that good. Saving ponies from severe injury or death? Bah. That doesn’t sound all that Discord-ish. Plus it’s my job to explain to your parents in the likely event you die in some random accident, Bad Dude, and that just seems like a lot of unnecessary work.”

Bad Dude and Shining Armor were huddled close to the ground in the exact same position as they’d been inside of the collapsing house. Only now, Shining Armor’s cumbersome armor had been removed, leaving him with only a single sock on his horn.

“You saved—” was as far as Bad Dude got, before the door to the room swung open and Sombra stuck his head inside.

“Bad Dude? A word, please?”

Bad Dude gulped and trotted to him. Once out in the hall, Sombra shut the door behind them and knelt down to Bad Dude.

“I just heard what happened in Ponyville,” Sombra started delicately, “and I must say I am most disappointed.”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened. “You are? But… but…”

Sombra thought for a moment. “Wait. I meant to say ‘impressed’. I’m terrible with words sometimes. I am most impressed by what I’ve heard.”

A small smile grew on Bad Dude’s face. “Oh?”

Sombra nodded. “At first I heard only of some petty scam involving toys and ponies’ bits, but then I learned of your true nefarious deed and—my, oh, my, Bad Dude—I had no idea you had it in you.”

“Had what in me?”

Sombra smiled warmly. “First you instigate a town-wide panic. Then you start a marvelous chase scene in the heart of Ponyville. Then, and best of all, you destroy not one, but three homes meant for refugees from the Crystal Empire. You really know how to kick 'em when they’re down, don’t you? Plus you got the friends and relatives of the Elements of Harmony to do your dirty work?” He chuckled good-naturedly. “I hope you’re not planning on doing something terrible to me soon, Bad Dude! You’re a stone cold monster!”

“I am?” Bad Dude muttered.

“I’m sorry I ever doubted you, my young prince.” Sombra wrapped Bad Dude up in a hug and kissed his forehead. “You have done well, Bad Dude. I’m sorry for the tough love. But…”

“But?” Bad Dude asked uneasily.

“But you know what this means now, don’t you?” Sombra displayed his fangs to him. “This is cause for a celebration—a big one. In a few days' time, our group will be hosting its very own ‘villains only’ party. Only the evilest of the evil will be allowed to attend.”

Discord snapped himself into the hall beside Sombra. “I hope there’ll be some pineapple pizza there.”

Sombra rolled his eyes. “We want prospective villains to actually attend, don’t we? Not some mad ponies that like pineapple on pizza for some reason.”

“That’s why I put my pizza on pineapple. Much tastier that way.”

As Discord strolled away, Sombra gave Bad Dude another tight hug. As nice as it was having gained Sombra’s trust again, something still stole over Bad Dude’s attention.

Like exactly what had happened at the Crystal Empire that he wasn’t aware of.

Author's Notes:

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Life seems pony-less and cruel.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great writing clown -- naturalbornderpy -- is online. Go read 'Bad Dude'. Cute. Dumb. Simple. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears. "But doctor..." he says. "He's only tricking everyone. Any moment, he'll start getting all dark and depressing for no good reason at all."

Doctor asks: "How can you know that?"

Man replies: "Because I am naturalbornderpy."

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

I really had no idea what to put here this time.

Date Night/Sad Sight/Bad Fright

King Sombra delicately removed the blindfold covering Queen Chrysalis’ eyes, taking a step away from her with a sly grin on his face.

“Well?” he asked her richly. “What do you think?”

Chrysalis quickly eyed up the surrounding area. All she could see around them were dozens of meters of nothing but broken shards of crystal and small hills of ash. “It sure is… open, I guess. You need to remember, I’m not as big of a rock fan as you are.”

Rolling his eyes, Sombra went to her and roughly whirled her around. He grinned. “There. Much better. Now what do you think?”

From the sight, Chrysalis gasped and brought a hoof to her mouth. “Oh. That’s better. You did all this? When? It’s glorious, Sombra.”

Sombra chuckled deeply and escorted Chrysalis up the main road of what remained of the Crystal Empire. Already a large portion of the damaged streets had been repaired and smoothed out, giving it a glossy shine; tall crystal lampposts stood on both ends of the street, emitting a warm glow with the aid of dripping candles; near the end of the street stood a half-dozen crystal buildings—most of them around one story tall.

Sombra spoke as they strolled, “I’ve been coming here at night and working on the place. Since I’ve always had a gift at creating large amounts of crystal with my magic, I thought what better way to spend my nights than by recreating the Empire exactly as I see fit. Like what you see so far, my sweet?”

Chrysalis smiled thinly. “It’s very nice—for a start, I mean.” She motioned towards one of the crystal buildings. “What would that one be for?”

“The mane salon,” Sombra replied dryly. “My mane’s been in need of repair ever since coming back to life. Whatever shampoo Discord has lying around the fortress always leaves my hair so dry and split. I may surround myself with dirty slaves all day, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to look my best while ruling them. A King has to look his part, you know.”

Chrysalis cocked a brow. “And a Queen?”

Sombra ran a hoof around her neck. “You know I always think you look beautiful.”

“So no trip to the mane salon for me, then?”

Sombra chuckled at that. “I wouldn’t go that far. Everyone could use a day at the salon once in a while. But we’re getting off track. Let me show you something else.”

The pair came to a stop at the end of the repaired street and looked up at where the Empire tower stood. New batches of glittering crystal had been wrapped around the worst parts damaged during the battle; the most evident change being the jutting spiral staircase that wound around the entire thing. Needless to say, it looked like a lot of stairs.

Chrysalis pursed her lips. “Let me guess. What you want to show me is right up those stairs, isn’t it?”

Sombra nodded happily. “I promise you’ll like what you see.”

With a sigh, Chrysalis muttered, “I always knew this relationship would include sacrifices.”

“Sacrifices? Is that what you said?” Sombra questioned. “And here I thought I was the only villain left in all of Equestria that still did those anymore. It was hilarious when I used to sacrifice my slaves to the God of Soggy Oatmeal. They’d all be like, ‘That’s not even a real god!’ and I’d loudly reply, ‘Tell that to the rest of the Breakfast Gods!’”

Then Sombra laughed until his eyes started to water.

Chrysalis gave him a solid kick to the shin. “Don’t even think about sacrificing any of my children, Sombra.”

That blunt kick seemed to sober him up some. “Wouldn’t dream of it. Now to the stairs!”

Six hundred and ninety-one crystal steps later, Sombra and Chrysalis stood at the top of the Crystal Tower, inside a wide room with a completely open wall. Embedded into the floor were two large and imposing thrones made completely out of sparkling crystal—the backs of each throne created out of dozens of sharp crystal swords angled towards the ceiling.

Sombra guided Chrysalis to the throne on the left and she took a seat, leaning against the backrest while crossing one back leg over the other. She took in the view below her—miles and miles of nothing but rubble, ash, and snow.

“It might not look like much now…” Sombra began, settling his rump onto the crystal throne next to hers.

“But it could be,” Chrysalis finished for him. “An entire Empire. Just for us.”

“And the children, too,” Sombra added gingerly. “Bad Dude… and your children, of course: Gary… uh… and Tim, I guess. There was a Tim, right?”

Chrysalis chuckled. “My children don’t have names, Sombra. But a place this size would be wonderful for them—when it is whole and complete again.” She turned to him. “And if the Elements of Harmony happen by here again? Or one of the Princesses?”

Sombra waved a hoof. “No matter. When I start to really make this place our own, I’ll set up security measures that should keep them out most easily. Maybe I’ll shake a bit of aluminum foil in the air to keep them distracted for a bit.”

The two of them began to laugh at that. Perhaps a bit more than was necessary.

Out of the corner of Chrysalis’ sight, she could see Sombra fidgeting uneasily on his throne. She asked him openly, “Is this all you wanted to show me tonight, Sombra?”

Sombra ran a hurried hoof through his mane. “Well, now that you mention it.” That was when he left his throne and came to stand in front of hers. Before either of them could say a word, Sombra lowered himself onto one knee and retrieved a small red box from a compartment inside his armor. He held the small box out to her. “I know it may seem premature…”

Instantly, Chrysalis’ cheeks burned red. “Oh my…”

Using a hoof, Sombra popped open the box. Inside was a thin strip of paper.

Chrysalis furrowed her brows and pulled the paper out with her horn. On the small bit of parchment was written: “WILL YOU TAKE OVER ALL OF EQUESTRIA WITH ME?”

Chrysalis’ face flushed even worse than before and she gave a single nod as answer. Sombra didn’t waste anymore time and lunged forward to plant a kiss on her lips, shoving her forcefully back into her throne. Clearly, Chrysalis wasn’t having any of that, so she pushed herself into Sombra until they both collapsed on top of each other on the cold crystal floor.

History had proven that relationships between villains had always been tricky. Both parties always ended up wanting to be the dominant one in the relationship.

When they were done, Chrysalis asked him breathlessly, “You didn’t happen to finish the bedroom in this place, did you?”

Sombra shook his head. “Afraid not. But I can have us back in the fortress in less than a minute.”

Chrysalis nodded. It would have to do.

Back inside the C.U.T.E. fortress, Bad Dude entered his secret closet entrance and hung up his sparkly cape with a sigh. It had been a long day and more than anything he just wanted to get back home and hang around in his room alone for a bit. He had a lot to think about and a whole lot more to ponder over—like if what Apple Bloom had told him during their chase had actually been true.

Had something happened in the Crystal Empire that he wasn’t made aware of? Would his group really have done something like that without him knowing? He only hoped Apple Bloom had just been blowing thing out of proportion. Bad Dude had never wanted to see anyone hurt. He only wanted to rule over them all one day so they could all be friends together. Or something along those lines.

Being a super villain was becoming a lot more complicated than Bad Dude first thought it would be.

“Ekk!” someone screamed inside his room.

Bad Dude jumped on the spot and slammed the closet door behind him. On his bed and currently pressed up against his bedroom wall was a filly around the same age as him. She had a light grey coat and an arctic blue mane and tail—all glimmering with small specks of silver.

There was a Crystal Empire filly in his room.

Before either of them could say anything, Donut Joe opened the door to the room and stuck his head inside. “Glass Slipper? Are you okay? I heard you—” Then he caught sight of Bad Dude by the closet. “Sweet Glaze? When did you get home? I thought you were out playing? I didn’t even see you come in.”

Glass Slipper pointed a tiny hoof at Bad Dude. “He came right out of the closet!”

Donut Joe raised a brow. “Really, Sweet Glaze? Glass Slipper’s been up here for more than an hour and you’ve spent all that time in the closet? I always told you it was perfectly fine to come out of the closet whenever you were ready to.”

Bad Dude could feel hints of sweat on his mane already. “I was just… playing in there! That’s all. I was playing space pony: where a pony gets lost in space and has to radio to Major Tom to come and rescue them. It’s nice and dark in there… and… uh…”

Thankfully, Donut Joe let it slide for the moment. “Regardless, Sweet Glaze, this is Glass Slipper and her and her family will be staying with us for a while. Or at least until they’ve made some more homes for Crystal Empire residents. Her folks will be staying in our guestroom, so that means that Glass Slipper here will be staying in your room.” He fixed Bad Dude a hard stare. “So play nice and show Glass Slipper a good time. She’ll also be going to school with you down in Ponyville, so make sure you warn her about Frank and Not Frank before he teleports you both. I guess that’s it. Dinner’s in twenty.”

With that said, Donut Joe left them be and shut the door behind him. All at once, the room became much quieter than it was a second ago. As Bad Dude awkwardly traced his hoof on the carpet, Glass Slipper averted her gaze and busied herself by playing with a lock of her twinkling mane.

“So…” Bad Dude started uneasily, “you’re from the Crystal Empire? Must be neat there. Not that I’ve ever been there before… or bought a snow globe from there or anything… or led a battalion of battle ships there before…”

Bad Dude had to bite his tongue to stop himself from going on. His mind was in such disarray, he could hardly concentrate on what he was saying anymore.

“I really liked the Crystal Empire,” Glass Slipper told him earnestly. “All my friends were there and so was my school. And my house, too. And all my toys. Sombra bit the head off my Spike the Brave doll when he was there.”

Suddenly, Bad Dude couldn’t look in her direction. “You could have some of my toys if you wanted.”

Glass Slipper shook her head. “That’s all right. My parents said we’d get new stuff once we settle down somewhere. All I know is that the first thing I want is a new Princess Cadence doll. She protected the Crystal Empire until the bitter end and because of that I think she’s the very best Princess of them all.”

Although Bad Dude disagreed quite heavily about her best Princess choice, he wasn’t about to prove the filly horrifically wrong at the moment. By that point in time, a small lump had already formed directly in Bad Dude’s throat.

He swallowed dryly. “So, what happened there exactly… in the Empire, I mean?”

Glass Slipper’s eyes widened. “You don’t know?”

Bad Dude shook his head.

Shoving herself off of his bed, Glass Slipper came to sit on the carpet in the middle of the room. “Bad Dude and his group of terrible jerks came to the Empire and destroyed it all! They destroyed everything! They said if they couldn’t have it, then nobody could.”

Bad Dude felt that hard lump in his throat drop down to his stomach. “They did?”

Glass Slipper nodded. “Uh-huh. And that’s why all the Crystal Empire ponies are all over the place now. The only good news is that I think one of my friends from school is living in Ponyville now, so there’s a pretty big chance we might still be going to school together. That would be nice, I guess.” She paused, lifting a bit of mane from her eyes. “Are you crying? Why are crying?”

Sniffling, Bad Dude had to turn away from her. “I’m not crying. I’m just leaking a bit. I have this condition—a rare one where my head collects too much water sometimes. It’ll… it’ll pass. Just give me a sec.”

Using a hoof, Glass Slipper lightly patted his shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay to cry, Sweet Glaze. That just means you care about something a whole lot. I know I’ve cried a lot since I left home.”

Bad Dude hurriedly wiped at his wet cheeks. “I could always help you pay for a new home. I have twelve bits that I’ve been saving in my pony bank. You could have them, if you wanted them.”

Again, Glass Slipper shook her head, surprising him with a smile. “It’s not all that bad, Sweet Glaze. I’m just happy my parents still love me and that all my friends are all right. Sometimes you gotta look on the bright side of things when things seem really bad.”

“What if…” Bad Dude started stubbornly. “What if I rebuilt the Crystal Empire somehow? Would that make things better?”

Glass Slipper giggled at that. “If you could do that, then that would be great! But I don’t think twelve bits alone would cover it. You know how many lemonade stands we had there?”

“Thirteen bits?” Bad Dude tried.

That got Glass Slipper laughing again. That made Bad Dude smile in return—that tight ball in his stomach loosening by the tiniest of degrees.

When Glass Slipper was done laughing, she asked him, “You want to keep playing space pony? I could be Major Tom or your co-space pony or something.”

“Oh! That would be—” Bad Dude began, before he realized something important. Not only was his cape still on the hanger inside of his closet, but that very closet was his sole entrance to C.U.T.E.’s own base of operations. Bad Dude had to think quickly about what to say next. “Actually, I’m kinda sick of space pony right now. Plus, my closet’s also where I stick all my used gum when I’m done with it, so I wouldn’t go in there anyways.”

Glass Slipper wrinkled her nose at him. “That’s really gross, Sweet Glaze.”

Bad Dude hung his head. “I know, but most colts are gross like that. Didn’t you know? You want to play something else? I have lots of comic books and action figures and board games we could play with.”

Knocking a hoof against her chin, Glass Slipper thought for a moment. “Let’s play with some of your action figures, then. Which ones do you have?”

“Just wait and see!” Proudly, Bad Dude got to his hooves and marched to the toy chest against his bed. Propping the lid up, he unloaded over a dozen dolls onto the carpet. “I’ve got King Sombra and Queen Chrysalis and a few of those blind bag changeling drones they sell near the checkout line and I even have a variant version of Nightmare Moon that has different color armor than most figures and—”

Glass Slipper’s complete silence made Bad Dude turn. He found her with her hooves crossed over her chest, staring at his King Sombra doll on the floor. Bad Dude’s own idiocy hit him like a fastball to the head.

“I’m sorry!” Anxiously, Bad Dude grabbed all the villain dolls off of the carpet and threw them back into his toy chest. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, Glass Slipper. I… uh… I think I might have some Princess toys around here somewhere.”

Glass Slipper shut her eyes and sighed. “That’s okay, Sweet Glaze. Do you have a Princess Cadence doll, perchance?”

Bad Dude got busy looking for one.

“I must say this tea is most excellent, Celestia,” said the Cadence doll held tight in Glass Slipper’s hooves. “You must give me the recipe sometime—as well as whatever you put in these delicious scones of yours.”

Bad Dude held onto his Celestia doll on the table with both hooves, tilting it to one side as if pretending it was pouring tea. “My servants make my scones,” he replied in a high-falsetto. “They work twelve hours a day with no breaks to make me all my scones. And my tea’s basically hot water and tea bags. I don’t even make my own tea. My servant Teabag does that for me.”

Glass Slipper gently nudged Bad Dude with a hoof. “You need to play along, Sweet Glaze. Stay in character! Princess Celestia would never say something like that.”

“It’s hard,” Bad Dude moaned. “I’m not used to playing house. Everything’s so boring here. All they’re doing is drinking tea and talking about their day. When is something interesting going to happen?”

Frowning, Glass Slipper lifted her chin a bit. “This is called slice-of-life, Sweet Glaze. Not everything needs to be all dark and serious, you know.”

“But it should be…” Bad Dude muttered more to himself.

“Oh, look!” Glass Slipper continued on happily as her Princess Cadence doll. “Prince Shining Armor returns! I sure hope he’s brought us that extra bowl of sugar we’ve been looking for! Otherwise this quiet tea party of ours might end in complete disaster!”

Bad Dude let go of his Celestia doll to grab hold of the Shining Armor doll next to him. Using a fake galloping motion, he ran the doll along the edges of his desk before propelling it towards the miniature table at the center of their imaginary scene. He made sure Shining Armor ran directly into their fake table, toppling it and everything on top of it to the desk.

In a panic, the Shining doll exclaimed, “I come baring terrible news, Princesses! There is a giant monster right outside our gates! We need to—”

Glass Slipper gave Bad Dude another playful shove. “Have you brought our extra sugar, my Prince?”

Bad Dude made his Shining figure do a double take on Cadence. “Did you not hear me, Cadence? There’re monsters right—”

Another playful shove.

“I mean… your tea’s been poisoned! It must’ve been that nefarious—”

Another playful shove.

“I mean… there’s a small grease fire in the kitchens?”

Another playful shove.

Bad Dude sighed. “I think I feel a bad cold coming on?”

Glass Slipper shook her head.

“A nasty zit?”

Another head shake.

“The tea’s gone cold?”

With a dainty smile, Glass Slipper angled her Cadence doll towards Shining. “What terrible news, my love! Let us go prepare another pot right this instant! To the kitchens!”

The Shining doll didn’t budge from its spot. “But what of the grease fire?”

In response, the Cadence doll rose half a foot into the air and proclaimed in a loud, booming voice, “I took care of it already, Shining! So all that is left is peaceful tea and scones!”

Bad Dude angled his Shining doll away from her. “Whatever you say, dear…”

Glass Slipper finally broke character and laughed. She turned to Bad Dude, “He probably would say that, wouldn’t he?”

Bad Dude shrugged. “Can’t say. Never met the pony before.”

Without warning, Glass Slipper wrapped Bad Dude up in a hug and set her head on his shoulder. She whispered into his ear, “Thanks for playing with me today, Sweet Glaze. It might not seem like much, but just doing something normal for a change is really nice—even if you do kinda suck at anything slice-of-life related.”

Awkwardly, Bad Dude patted her head in return. “Hey, it’s no problem. I promise while you’re here, we’ll have lots of fun. You’ll see!”

“That sounds nice.”

A moment later, Donut Joe yelled for both of them to come downstairs for dinner. Bad Dude let Glass Slipper go ahead of him while he packed up all his toys. It also gave him a small moment to think clearly again.

If he couldn’t fix the entire Empire on his own right this second, then the least he could do was try and make Glass Slipper’s time with him as best as he could. He’d also need to have a rather strong word with his team sometime soon.

Lord Tirek ascended the stairs to Sombra’s quarters with a bowl of dry cereal in hand. The milk in the downstairs kitchen had gone bad and was now demanding bits in exchange for fresh milk. Tirek only hoped Sombra might’ve known where extra milk was around this odd place.

He stopped outside the set of double doors and gave them a firm knock.

No answer.

Just as Tirek was about to walk away, did he hear a soft voice speak.

“…don’t keep your Princess waiting…”

Tirek gasped. He’d recognized that voice. Now the question became whether he found someone else to tell this about or deal with the matter himself. After a moment’s delay, he pushed into the room with his bowl of dry cereal still in hand.

On Sombra’s lush bedspread was a prone Princess Cadence, her mane and tail spread out across the sheets. She was facing away from Tirek—towards the room’s large walk-in closet.

“Your Princess is in dire need of some tough love tonight, my Prince,” Cadence cooed. “I only hope you are up for the challenge.”

“I rise to all challenges!” Sombra declared, as he raced into the room wearing all of Shining Armor’s battle gear that they’d stripped of him only days ago. “They don’t call me…”

Sombra’s words quickly dried as he caught sight of Tirek in the room. Soon Cadence caught sight of Tirek too, causing her to revert back into Chrysalis again.

Tirek coughed into his fist. “Upon reflection, you two are absolutely perfect for each other—in that you’re both completely insane. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to say something I never thought I would utter in my entire life:

“I wonder what Discord’s up to tonight.”

Author's Notes:

The character Glass Slipper actually exists on the show and was eventually named by the internet. I guess.

Aw. Bad Dude made her homeless. What a dick.

Beware The Hug Hunters (Short)

Tic, Tac, and Toe made their way up the sunny streets of Ponyville, heads held high and with the smallest of grins on their faces; no pony that saw them that day ran away in fright or even commented on them at all. Earlier that morning, the changeling trio had perused one of Bad Dude’s old school yearbooks to take on the likeness of three innocent looking foals.

It was nice being out of the fortress for a change… even if they technically did have a mission to accomplish.

Tac turned to his brothers and asked in his raspy, whispery voice that sounded a lot like simple clicks and pops, “Do we even know where we’re going? It feels like we’ve been walking forever!”

Tic chuckled dryly. “I could walk around town for hours—anything besides massaging Discord’s feet back in the fortress.”

Using a hoof, Toe pointed at the shop at the end of the street—the one covered in fake candies and sweets. “That must be it. Someone brought along the list? Our Queen would be so mad if we screwed this up.”

“I’ve got it,” Tic replied, holding a lengthy scroll upwards for them to see.

The three of them gave each other a curt nod before entering the store.

“Oh! More customers!” Pinkie Pie greeted them from behind the counter. “Aren’t you three just the cutest little things? How can I help you today? You like cookies? Or gummy ponies? Or twelve pounds of sticky-pudding-toffee delight?”

Toe and Tac shared a glance as Tic just stared up at Pinkie Pie dumbstruck. A blush quickly appeared on his cheeks.

Pinkie Pie raised a brow. “Not much for chitchat, eh? That’s all right! More time to eat candy if you’re not busy blabbing away!”

It wasn’t until Toe nudged Tic that he finally produced the note they’d been given from Discord previously. Tic stood up on his back legs to hoof it over to Pinkie.

Pinkie scratched at a cheek as she read it. “Says here that you three have taken a vow of silence until draconequi are able to marry whomever and whatever they want without being prosecuted for it—up to and including broom handles and tree stumps. Well, I’ve never actually heard of anything like that before, but whatever! I’m not one to judge!”

Tic hoofed over the long list of various items they needed.

“Oh! Wow!” Pinkie exclaimed as she began skimming the lengthy list. “Sounds like one heck of a party you three are throwing: hats, balloons, confetti, a punch bowl in the shape of a skull, a milk chocolate fondue fountain…” She lowered the paper for a moment. “I do happen to know of a certain ‘party planning pony’ that’s quite good at planning pony parties, if you three might be interested in hiring her…”

Pinkie let her question dangle in the air as Tic, Tac, and Toe collectively shook their heads at her.

Pinkie Pie’s shoulders dropped a bit. “Had to try, didn’t I? Well, maybe a certain ‘party planning pony’ might just get invited to such an event and—”

Again, they all shook their heads at her.

Now Pinkie’s shoulders and mane slumped. “Fine! Have it your way! Who even needs to go to this awesome sounding party? Not Pinkie Pie! That’s who! Maybe I’ll just charge you all double now!”

At that, Toe smiled and used his teeth to chuck a large sack of shiny bits onto the counter. They’d all been given enough coins to cover the party’s cost four times over. Tips included.

“I don’t know about this,” Tic warned, as they entered another shop on the other end of town.

Toe rolled his eyes at him. “We have more than enough money and time to take a little detour, Tic. Don’t be such a cry baby. Bad Dude does so much for us I only thought it would be nice doing something for him in return.”

Tic raised a brow. “You think he’d actually like this, though?”

“Of course! Bad Dude loves dressing up!” Toe looked around for a moment. “Where’s Tac? He was just behind us—that slowpoke!”

Both brothers turned around to watch poor Tac push open the door to the shop with a good half-dozen bags loaded onto his back. A drop of sweat rolled down his flushed face.

“Is no one going to help me with all these party supplies?” Tac practically begged.

Tic and Toe shook their heads at him and strolled over to the counter, where they were instantly greeted by Rarity.

She smiled brightly at the trio. “Good afternoon, you three, and welcome to Carousel Boutique. Have you all come to pick out your suits for the school’s upcoming dance?”

Again, Tic pulled a note out and hoofed it over to her.

Rarity chuckled uneasily once she read it over. “A vow of silence? Until Princess Luna’s been sent back to the moon? I’m sorry, boys, but you might be waiting quite a while with that one. Regardless, what might I help you with today?”

This time, Tic laid out a black and white photo across the counter.

“A costume?” Rarity asked uneasily. “A little early for Nightmare Night, wouldn’t you agree?”

All further questions were immediately halted as Toe once again threw a giant sack of bits onto the counter. Forty-five minutes later, they all left Ponyville with their new items in hoof. And with some ice cream cones, too. Tic had had a sudden craving.

Bad Dude truly didn’t know how to properly react to Tic, Tac, and Toe’s unexpected gift. He’d been silently pondering in the fortress’s living room about how best to address the “Glass Slipper” in the room with the rest of the Coalition, but still hadn’t come to much of a decision. Perhaps he’d wait until after their party was over with. At least in that case, he wouldn’t be ruining anyone’s awesome night.

Bad Dude had to fake a smile for Tic, Tac, and Toe. It was clear they went through a lot of trouble for this. “Wow! This sure is… something!” Bad Dude said awkwardly, twisting the dark fabric around in his hooves. “This is a… changeling costume?”

Toe nodded eagerly.

“One you want me to wear?”

Toe nodded again, eyes whipping between Bad Dude and the costume.

One costume change later and the four of them stood in front of a wide mirror together, standing shoulder to shoulder. After he put it on, Bad Dude noted his “changeling costume” was basically just a tight black jumper with a large hole big enough for his head to go through; fake wings, teal colored goggles, and a short plastic horn finished up the rest of the costume.

Carefully looking himself over, Bad Dude did have to admit it was sort of neat looking.

“It’s like we’re all brothers now!” Bad Dude told them, giving his fake horn a quick flick. “So what should we do now?”

Tac used a hoof to point at his chest.

“Get some food?” Bad Dude asked.

Then Tac began rubbing over his heart.

“Oh!” Bad Dude nodded in understanding. “Get some love! Now I get it!”

As the four of them traveled around the castle and kept low to the ground, Bad Dude added what narration he could provide.

“The art of Hug Hunting isn’t for the faint of heart,” Bad Dude warned, quiet enough so that only the three of them would be able to hear him. “It takes time, dedication, and skill to pull off the perfect Hug Hunt. That’s why there are only four Hug Hunters in existence to date.”

As Bad Dude scurried up a hallway, Tic, Tac, and Toe trailed behind and kept an eye out for anyone approaching. Once they reached the end of the hall, Bad Dude took a deep breath and pushed inside, lowering to his belly to silently sneak across the room.

“Target spotted!” Bad Dude narrated, indicating the peacefully slumbering King Sombra spread out on the bed. “This majestic creature is known as the Sombrakish Grumptalikish—which roughly translates into ‘Grumpy Sombra’. Grumpy Sombras tend to sleep up to fourteen hours a day and shower up to three times in a twenty-four hour period. Their coats have been known to be extra fluffy and soft, and their extra strength makes them some of the best cuddle ponies around. I would give Grumpy Sombras a solid eight-point-five on the Hug Spectrum.”

Bad Dude turned to his band of near-identical brothers. “Hug Hunters! Are you ready to hunt?”

Tic, Tac, and Toe all nodded at once, unfurling their wings to jump up onto the bed.

“Three… two…” Bad Dude began to count, before Queen Chrysalis exited from another door in the room.

With furrowed brows, she stared down at them. “Bad Dude? What are you wearing?”

“Abort!” Bad Dude declared, bolting for the door as fast as he could while his comrades followed suit.

“Okay,” Bad Dude began, as they prepared for their next hunt. “That one didn’t go very well, but I promise that this one will work out a whole lot better! See that odd creature on the lounger?”

Bad Dude pointed a hoof in the direction of Lord Tirek, who was currently reading from a thick novel with his reading spectacles on.

“That creature there is known as a Lowerbackpainious,” Bad Dude continued on in a hushed tone. “Which means ‘Achy Tirek’. They are very old creatures with terrible hearing—”

“You know I can hear you, Bad Dude,” Tirek roughly informed him, not taking his eyes off his book. “I’m not that deaf, you know.”

Bad Dude grimaced. “As I was saying, Achy Tireks have been known to have very bad knees and joints, which makes them perfect for Hug Hunting. They can’t get away as fast as regular creatures, so—”

“Maybe I’ll go read somewhere else,” Tirek blurted, rising out of his lounger to swiftly exit the room.

Bad Dude exhaled loudly and stomped a costumed hoof. “Shoot! This Hug Hunt’s going terribly!”

Gingerly, Tac patted his shoulder.

“We just need to be stealthier about this,” Bad Dude decided, before he formulated his final plan.

Bad Dude and his fellow patriots had to keep their balance in check as they sneakily walked across the wooden beams spread out along the room’s ceiling. At the moment, they were trekking across Discord’s room—located in the fortress’s dark basement so he wouldn’t be disturbed. Discord had entered his room only moments ago and had already crashed on an oversized beanbag chair to snooze. The perfect opportunity for an attack.

The four “changeling brothers” stood on the beam directly above him.

“Okay, team,” Bad Dude said in a hushed voice. “This is our last chance for cuddles and hugs, and more than anything I don’t want you three to go home disappointed. So this just has to work.” He glanced down at the slumbering Discord, who already had his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. “This bizarre creature is known as Biggish Dickish—or ‘Sweet and Sour’. They call these creatures Sweet and Sours sometimes due to their ability to be nice one moment and then be completely terrible the next. Right now, this Sweet and Sour is soundly asleep and completely helpless from sudden hugs and cuddles. A direct attack from above should get us the hugs we require for our Hug Hunt today.”

Using a hoof, Bad Dude gave Tic, Tac, and Toe a quick salute.

“Are you Hug Hunters ready for your final mission?”

The three of them nodded and stood up straight in affirmation.

“Then let’s—” Bad Dude began, before he heard rumblings from below.

Discord rubbed at one of his eyes with a paw. “Bad Dude? Why are you dressed up like a changeling? And why are you in my room?”

“To get hugs,” Bad Dude answered him earnestly.

“From who?”

“From you.”

Discord cocked a brow. “Oh?”

“Get ‘em!” Bad Dude shouted, causing the four of them to leap from the ceiling and right onto Discord. Try as he might to get away, Discord had next to no time to react and was quickly overcome by tiny hooves and small nuzzling faces. All over the fortress, Discord’s languished screams could be clearly heard. Sadly, not a single pony came to his aid.

Discord was hugged and cuddled most stupendously that day.

Hours later, Tic, Tac, and Toe would all agree that their first Hug Hunt had been a complete success. Bad Dude would agree.

Author's Notes:

Been meaning to write another short involving Tic, Tac, and Toe ever since their first one. Then this morning, the image of Bad Dude in a changeling costume came to mind and just had write about that.

In memory of Steve Irwin. Best Hug Hunter of all time.

(Not trying to be a jerk with that comment -- he actually seemed like a cool guy.)

B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Baddie)

Even from several meters away, Flim and Flam could hear the steady pulse of the blaring music from deep inside the massive building. The building in question hadn’t existed at all that afternoon, but by late into the evening it had suddenly appeared as if by magic somewhere close to Canterlot—tall, black, and ominous with a sea of dense fog surrounding it. It was clear that this was the “villains only” party they’d both heard about only days ago.

“Name?” asked the diamond dog up ahead holding onto a clipboard, standing behind a thin podium with another imposing diamond dog by his side. Both of them wore small nametags on their chests.

The pony he was speaking to looked taken back by that. “Really? You don’t know who I am?”

The diamond dog rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t be asking if I did. Now hurry up! State your name! The line’s long enough without your stalling.”

“I shouldn’t even have to give you my name,” the pony continued snidely. “You know what I did once? I overcharged Fluttershy on some food she wanted! She had no idea what was going on! I still laugh about it to this day.”

The diamond dog ground his teeth together angrily. “Seriously? That was your big evil deed?” He leaned to his side to whisper to the other diamond dog—the far bigger one with his bulky arms crossed over his chest.

In response, the larger diamond dog gave a nod and immediately grabbed the nearby pony around the shoulders and tail without a word.

“Hey! L-let go!” the pony stuttered out. “W-what do y-you think you’re doing!?”

“Ejecting you, of course,” the diamond dog with the clipboard replied evenly.

One hard throw later and the pony flew away into the night, landing with a splash some yards away in a hastily built swamp.

Flam gulped as him and his brother approached the podium next.

The diamond dog cocked a brow at them. “Name?”

“Two names, actually,” Flam began timidly. “Flim and Flam—salesponies extraordinaire!”

“Alright.” The diamond dog flipped through his long list of names for a moment before a thin smile touched his lips. “Why, of course! The world famous Flim and Flam brothers. Here you are!”

Flam nudged his brother in the ribs. “See? I told you we were on the list.”

The diamond dog happily agreed. “You two sure are on the list. Too bad it’s not the right list, though.”

Flam gulped dryly. “Then what list are we on?”

The diamond dog’s smile grew. “The list you wind up on when you leave Bad Dude behind on a mission. I must say, how very nasty of you two to do.”

Flim blanched and held out a hoof. “But isn’t being nasty a part of the job?”

The diamond dog waved a judgmental finger from side to side. “Not when you betray a member of your own team. But fear not, unicorns. You will not be thrown into the swamps for this misstep. Instead, another member of this party’s security team will be escorting you away from here.”

“What does that—” was all Flam got out, before the diamond dog whistled loudly and a gut-wrenching roar pulled at his attention from up above. Flam glanced up to find a giant red-and-yellow dragon rising up from the roof of the building—a toxic mound of black smoke oozing out its twitching nostrils. On the dragon’s chest was the smallest of identical nametags.

“Wait! Wait just a minute!” Flim yelped out to the diamond dog. “You like diamonds, right? We’ve got diamonds! A whole bunch of them! Just give us a minute to go get them and—”

“Diamonds like these?” the diamond dog asked playfully, spilling out a small bag of sparking white diamonds onto the podium. “This is only a small portion of the diamonds we’ll be receiving for protecting this place tonight. Think you and your brother have more than that?”

“I… uh…” Flam awkwardly fiddled with his bowtie. “I can go check!”

“Next!” the diamond dog shouted, before the dragon on the roof descended to the ground to scoop up both Flim and Flam within its great big claws. Both brothers shrieked as they were swiftly carried off to locations unknown.

The larger diamond dog watched them go while giving his head a shake. “The nerve of some ponies—leaving a little colt like Bad Dude behind? Giving villains a bad name, if you ask me.”

The “villains only” party was in full swing by the time Bad Dude arrived. All around him he could see villains and baddies and ne’er-do-wells of all kinds conversing and laughing and dancing together. To mark the occasion, Bad Dude had rented a small blue sports coat to wear, even slicking back his mane with greasy mane wax before making his way over.

Long tables had been set up along the rectangular room’s walls, loaded with every type of delicacy one could want: desserts, snacks, hoof food, drinks, and even a special section near the end for all the carnivorous villains that would be in attendance.

On a circular stage was a stack of black speakers and a turntable; all monitored by a white unicorn with thick sunglasses. Bad Dude had seen her before at other parties and on other occasions, but never anything quite like this.

Bad Dude tugged on Sombra’s cape as he came strolling by. “I had no idea that Vinyl Scratch wanted to be a villain, too! That’s pretty cool!”

Sombra furrowed his brows at him, taking a dainty sip from his colorful drink. “What are you talking about? We had to kidnap that unicorn’s marefriend so she’d come play for us. Don’t blame me. Discord’s idea, not mine.”

“Oh.” Bad Dude’s eyes bulged out a bit. “But we’ll give her back, right? When the party’s over?”

“As long as she does her job right,” Sombra replied sourly, before sweeping past another clump of excited party goers. Bad Dude watched as Sombra greeted Chrysalis by the tables of food and whispered something to her that made her laugh.

“Bad Dude!?” someone shrieked directly into his ear. “It really is you!”

Bad Dude spun to find the oddest of sights before him. Staring at him in near ecstasy was a brown colt with a mustard yellow mane and tail. On his back, he had on a small red cape with two lumps underneath. He must’ve been a pegasus.

Bad Dude thought for a moment. “Do I know you?”

The other colt shook his head from side to side wildly, matching the movements of his frantically swaying tail. “Nope! But I sure know who you are! I am just your biggest fan! That’s basically the entire reason I even wanted to become a villain in the first place! You! First you take out Princess Celestia and Luna by yourself and then you take over the Crystal—”

Instinctively, Bad Dude shoved his hoof into the colt’s mouth to silence him. “Sorry to stop you there. But what was your name again?”

Bad Dude ejected his slobbery hoof again so the colt could answer him.

“My name’s Terrible Colt!” the colt told him triumphantly, shooting a foreleg into the air. “And I wear a red cape so that every pony will remember who I am and live in fear of the color red!”

“Oh?” Bad Dude said bluntly.

Terrible Colt nodded. “Yep!” Then he blushed as another thought came to him. “If it’s not too much trouble, Bad Dude… I know you must be busy and all… but do you think you could autograph something for me? Just real quick like?”

Anxiously, Bad Dude scratched at the back of his head. “I guess so. I’ve never really signed anything before. I’m actually not sure if that’s all that villainous, honestly. Signing stuff.”

Bad Dude’s statement seemed to have little sway on Terrible Colt, as he retrieved a crudely drawn picture of Bad Dude for him to sign. Not wanting to hurt the excited colt’s feelings that night, Bad Dude quickly stuck one of his hooves in a small ink jar to then stamp onto the picture. It would have to do.

“Thank you so much!” Terrible Colt exclaimed, holding the signed picture against his chest. “I’m going to go talk to some of the other villains now. I think I even saw a few around here our age!”

Letting out a relieved sigh, Bad Dude watched Terrible Colt go before a far more foreboding figure took his place—namely, a dark blue goat with two curving horns atop a pair of glowing red eyes.

“You,” he spoke gutturally at him. “Bad Dude, yes?”

Timidly, Bad Dude nodded. “Umm… yes?”

“I am Grogar—brother of that whelp of a centaur known as Tirek.”

Bad Dude gave the tall goat a quick look over. “You do sort of look alike.”

Grogar shook his head at that. “Do not insult me with such words, Bad Dude. I have come here tonight for the sole purpose of ‘inspecting’ Tirek’s new group and have so far found it laughable at best. Parties with hats and streamers? This is not real villainy. Not true villainy.” He growled deep within his throat. “Equestria has gone soft over the years, yes? Something must be done about it.”

“Totally,” Bad Dude eventually answered, not completely sure how to proceed. “You… uh… want a lemon square or something? I made them myself.”

Grogar barked out a single deep laugh. “Cute antics, yes? You wish for me to bow to your rule, don’t you, little one? I’m afraid I will not be so easily coerced into blindly following a cute little colt towards the gates of oblivion.”

“I also made white-chocolate brownie bites.”

Grogar pursed his lips at that. “Well, it was never my intention of showcasing myself as some kind of monster while I attended this party. Lead the way to these brownies, Bad Dude, and I will decide your fate while I feast upon them.”

Grimacing, Bad Dude quickly led Grogar towards the table of snacks.

Thankfully, Grogar ended up deeming his white-chocolate brownie bites as “acceptable” and the party was able to continue unabated.

The pegasus known as Lightning Dust pressed her back up against the rock known as “Tom” and gave the camera attached to the tripod a mean snarl. Earlier in the night, a entire section of the party had been reserved so that guests could take their picture with “Tom”. Having heard about “Tom” before, Lightning Dust had been one of the first to sign up.

Only for some griffon to come start trouble with her.

“You call that a snarl?” taunted the griffon that was next in line behind her. “Newborn foals look meaner than you!”

Lightning Dust rolled her eyes. “Keep your mouth shut until it’s your turn, birdy. No one wants to hear you squawk, so put a cork in it.”

That caused the griffon to charge ahead and lean herself against the other side of “Tom”. She narrowed her eyes while she flashed her sharp talons in front of her.

The griffon told her snidely, “If there weren’t a no fighting rule in effect right now, you’d be down on the ground and bleeding already, little pegasus. I’d do to you exactly what I plan on doing to that rainbow-colored sissy once I see her again.”

Lightning Dust’s next carefully prepared insult faded from mind. “Rainbow-colored sissy? You don’t mean…”

“Rainbow Dash!?” the two flyers yelled out at once.

“Wait!” the griffon spat, angling a claw at her. “You also have a gripe against Rainbow Dash? I thought I was the only one that hated her that much!”

“Hate Rainbow Dash?” Lightning Dust replied in disgust. “I loathe Rainbow Dash! She practically ruined my life! Ever since that day at flight camp…” Just from the thought alone, Lightning Dust tightly curled her wings to her side and bared her teeth.

“Totally!” the griffon agreed her happily. “I can barely go a single day without wanting to smack that arrogant pegasus across the head. That’s basically why I’m here. I’m not so big on the whole ‘take over all of Equestria’ thing, but I am big on the whole ‘Rainbow Dash is a loser’ thing.”

Lightning Dust held out a hoof to her. After a moment’s hesitation, the griffon bumped her set of talons against it.

Lightning Dust’s face lit up in a grin. “Did we just become best friends?”

“Yep!” the griffon answered at once.

“You want to do some laps around the building to see who’s faster?”

“Yep!” the griffon answered again. “I’m Gilda by the way.”

“Lightning Dust.”

Trixie took a small sip of her fruity cocktail and had to do her best not to spit it out. Forty-percent of it must’ve been pure alcohol and the rest just cranberry juice topped with a small umbrella and straw. She thought about complaining, but decided against it. Trixie was still trying to weasel her way into C.U.T.E. in order to get more funding for her shows. Last time she’d been assisting Bad Dude, their entire plan fell apart even faster than it’d come together.

That still wouldn’t stop her from judging every other party guest that surrounded her around the bar.

“You call this a drink?” spat Diamond Tiara, holding a small glass of juice in her hoof. She glared up at the bartender as if her very eyes could set him on fire somehow. “You must be without a doubt the worst bartender I’ve ever seen! I’d rather drink tap water than take another sip of this!”

Behind the bar, Shining Armor sighed miserably—also appearing horribly uncomfortable in his little black-and-white servers outfit. He told her tonelessly, “First off, I’m not a bartender. I’m here against my will. Secondly, that’s just a cup of apple juice. I literally poured it straight out of the carton. So I’m not sure how you can complain about that, really.”

Diamond Tiara dropped the unfinished drink to the floor so she could stomp on it with a hoof. “You underestimate my abilities to complain, then! Apple juice out of a carton? This party sucks! I thought villains had lots and lots of coins to spend on events like these!”

Using his horn, Shining wiped at the counter with a rag. “Again, I’m not a villain. I’m a hostage. If you see my wife at some point could you tell her that I miss her, please?”

Diamond Tiara stuck out her tongue at him. “Sure! And then I’ll tell her how terrible you are at making drinks! Come on, Silver Spoon! Let’s go mingle with some of the richer guests around here.”

Keeping her head low to the ground, Silver Spoon talked in hardly a whisper. “Couldn’t we go now, Diamond Tiara? I don’t think we’re technically supposed to be here. This is a ‘villains only’ party, remember?”

Diamond Tiara exhaled in rage. “Of course I remember, Silver Spoon! You know how much trouble my father had to go through to get us invitations in the first place?”

“A—” Silver Spoon began dourly.

“A lot!” Diamond Tiara finished with a smirk. “As if I’d be left out of a party! Come on. Let’s go request a song or something.”

As the two fillies made their way across the dance floor, Trixie returned her attention to her terrible drink. She had to bite on her tongue as the alcohol burned its way down her throat.

“You come here often, precious treasure of mine?” someone asked her using a very foreign accent. “You glitter like gold, you know that?”

Trixie grunted in disdain when she felt a thick hand settle on one of her hips. She used her horn to zap at it with painful sparks until it let go.

Ahuizotl withdrew his tail-hand back to him, staring at its blackened fingertips. Greedily, he smiled at Trixie. “Playing hard to get, my dear? I know much about that. I seek treasures and I claim treasures! For I am—”

Ahuizotl accidentally hiccupped and spilled some of his drink on himself.

He snorted as his cheeks flushed. “Sorry. Seems I’m not so used to the types of libations you have around these parts of Equestria. They are good, but they are strong.” Leaning in to Trixie, he asked her smoothly, “I have an abandoned temple only a few thousand miles away from here. We could always leave this place and explore it together. Perhaps explore other things as well.”

Having heard plenty, Trixie used a hoof to shove Ahuizotl away from her. She then turned to get Shining Armor’s attention. “This one’s had too much to drink. Could you alert security about it? Maybe before he does something he’ll regret and I set him on fire?”

“What?” Ahuizotl complained, hiccupping again. He wrapped a meaty arm around Trixie’s very icy shoulders. “Don’t be like that, beautiful mare. I have treasure! And jewels! And—”

Before he could speak another ill-fated word, Ahuizotl was nabbed by a half-dozen diamond dogs and forcefully dragged across the floor towards the exit. As he was noisily removed, Ahuizotl raised his hands towards the ceiling to scream.

“Curse you, Daring Do!” he shrieked, his voice echoing off the room’s tall walls.

“Trixie’s name is Trixie, you stupid oaf!” Trixie replied angrily.

Ahuizotl stopped yelling for a moment to look at her again. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

He then cleared his throat to scream to the heavens once more.

“Curse you, Trixie! I’m actually a very nice guy once you get to know me!”

In the middle of the dance floor, Discord shook his tail and head from side to side, trying his best to trip up anyone that got too close to him. In preparation for the occasion, Discord had snapped himself up a sleek all-white dance suit with matching fedora. Grooving along to the pulsing techno beat next to him were Bad Dude, Tic, Tac, and Toe, and even his old friend Smooze, who had already injured close to a dozen party guests with his slime trail alone.

In mid-shuffle, Discord stopped long enough to glance around the room in order to take it all in. Leaning against one of the walls (and all trying to appear a lot cooler than they were) stood a gang of teenage male dragons. When one went to go dance alongside a mare, the dragon’s friends had ridiculed him without mercy until he returned to standing with them and brooding. Clearly, that group of dragons was far away from the smartest creatures at the party.

Discord turned his head and found two nearly identical unicorns sitting together on one of the party’s couches. One had a purple and light-blue mane and tail while the other had a lighter coat with a red and yellow colored mane and tail. It looked as if neither of the two mares had all that much interest in the party surrounding them; both of the unicorns gingerly nibbling on snacks while exchanging in quiet conversation.

Discord shrugged. Not every party guest can be interesting, he mused.

That was when Discord caught sight of Grogar standing by the snack table—another white-chocolate brownie in hoof. When Tirek got close enough to him, Discord snapped his fingers and caused Grogar to be shoved against the snack table from behind. Eyes shooting wide, Grogar whirled around to confront the perpetrator, only to find a rather bemused Tirek staring back at him.

Discord giggled underneath his breath. “And here’s when sweet ol’ Tirek finally leaves the group…”

Across the room, Grogar raised a heavy hoof towards his brother. In return, Tirek only nodded a single time and spoke a few words Discord had no way of hearing. A few moments later, Grogar used that same raised hoof to wrap around his brother warmly. Less than a minute following that, Grogar led Tirek to the bar area to order both of them a round of cold beers.

Discord painfully smacked himself with a claw. “Oh, for the love of Celestia!”

“Come on, Discord!” Bad Dude called to him from the dance floor. “Have fun! This is a party, isn’t it?” Bad Dude continued to dance to the energetic beat of the song, extending one foreleg and back leg out while bobbing along with his head. Tic and Toe, meanwhile, were currently spinning Tac on the floor in some new dance move that even Discord was unaware of.

“Fun, you say?” Discord asked him devilishly. “If you say so, Bad Dude.”

Lifting his eagle claw up to his face, Discord snapped himself to the stage and shoved one of his hands through the turntables. A single tear crept down Vinyl Scratch’s horrorstruck face.

“Listen up!” Discord bellowed to the crowd, snapping a microphone to his mouth. “All you cheap freeloaders listen up! It is I, Discord! Your official master of ceremonies!”

Half of the crowd cheered and clapped their hooves together. The other half ignored him outright and either continued conversing with one another or getting drunk off of their booze.

“First, a little good-natured ribbing!” Discord continued happily. “Where’s Bad Dude? Where you at, little Duder?”

A spotlight from the ceiling cast a harsh circular light onto Bad Dude in the center of the dance floor. Meekly, he waved at everyone that was now staring at him.

“There he is!” Discord exclaimed, holding a hand out. “Isn’t he cute, ponies and creatures? Isn’t he just adorable? I tell you, Bad Dude is so cute he makes Sweetie Belle look like hot garbage by comparison! Who knew hot garbage could look for cutie marks before?”

Only a single pony in the room laughed at that—Diamond Tiara.

Nervously, Discord pulled on his suit’s collar. “Tough crowd, I see. Well, speaking of hot garbage—Tirek is here this evening! How are you doing tonight, Tirek?”

At the bar, Tirek opened his mouth to speak, only to be cut off by Discord.

“I’m only kidding, Tirek!” Discord yelled. “No one actually cares how you’re doing. How do I know this? Well, for starters, you’re basically the ‘Ringo’ of the Coalition of United Terrible Evils!”

On the couch across the room, the unicorn with the red and yellow mane snorted to herself.

Discord tiredly rubbed at one of his temples. “I guess you’d need to have visited the human world to get that one, but I digress! Who else we got? Sombra? Where’s Sombra?”

Again the spotlight overhead found its intended target.

Sombra shot daggers at Discord, but did not say a word; although he did somehow frown much harder than normal.

“Oh, the great King Sombra!” Discord continued on happily, chuckling to himself. “He tried to reclaim the Crystal Empire only a single time and was blown to smithereens because of it. You hear about this? You read about this?” He paused for effect. “I guess even the Elements of Harmony knew how much the audience hated him! One appearance only, please! We’ve learned our lesson!”

A bolt of bright red energy quickly zoomed at Discord’s head, causing him to split his face down the middle to avoid it. In the hushed crowd, Sombra’s gently blew on the tip of his smoking horn.

Once back together again, Discord laughed. “And he misses! Just like he did when he was trying to catch the Crystal Heart! Okay, moving on. Who else we got in the house?” He scanned the crowd for a moment. “Where’s Chrysalis? Where’s that silly changeling Queen of ours? Anyone seen her lately? That’s the problem with changelings! So easy to lose in a crowd! Unless they’re actually Chrysalis trying to impersonate someone, am I right? I’m not saying her Celestia impersonation is bad, but it’s almost like Tirek trying to impersonate someone interesting! It just isn’t gonna happen! Maybe it would be easier if Celestia just tried impersonating Chrysalis! Why don’t we give that a try?”

“Boo! Get off the stage!” Lightning Dust cried from the audience.

“Yeah! You suck! Discord? More like Don’t-even-bother-cord!” Gilda added, before the two flyers bumped hoof and talon again.

Somehow that actually got the biggest laugh of the night.

Using his microphone, Discord smacked himself over the head. “Okay! You want to play it like that? Fine! You all think this is just a little party? Hmm? A little get-together for the heck of it?” His red-and-yellow eyes floated over the party guests mischievously. “News flash, idiots! As much as I’d just love to keep giving you all of my free food and drink, I actually had another idea in mind. You all call yourselves villains, do you not? Terrible, terrible ponies and creatures from all corners of Equestria?”

Most of the crowd gave a small nod.

Discord smiled at them. “Good. Because what I am offering you all tonight is something special—something very special indeed. In exactly sixty minute’s time, the clock will strike midnight. By that time, I want Princess Celestia’s own personal crown in my hands.”

Clearly invested, Trixie rose from her barstool to shout to him. “And if Trixie can bring you Celestia’s crown before midnight?”

“Then you get to become the next official member of C.U.T.E. No questions asked. And reap the rewards that it entails. But, I will remind you, only one of you may claim this reward.”

All at once, the entire room became eerily silent and still. Heads turned to one another and those sitting down on couches and on chairs slowly rose to their hooves. It was only when the first guest at the party quietly shoved open the doors leading outside that everyone began panicking and shoving their way towards the exit.

With glee, Discord watched this all unfold, barely holding the growing laughter in his gut. Suddenly, the night had become far more interesting than when it had first started.

Author's Notes:

So begins the story's "Quest for the Crown" section. Or maybe I'll just skip all that and have Tic, Tac, and Toe teach Bad Dude how to break dance. Both very interesting options.

Quest For The Crown (Part One)

Pinkie Pie awoke in bed and immediately threw her covers to the floor. Something wasn’t right, she thought. Something wasn’t right at all. Someone was having a party in Equestria right that very moment and she hadn’t been invited. Hadn’t even been thought of, at all. That very notion nearly caused her blood to boil and split her skin.

In rage, she gritted her teeth together. “Those jerky-jerks! Having a party without me!? Don’t they know that there’s no kind of party like a Pinkie Pie party?”

Then another thought swiftly pulled at her.

“But who would be having a party so late into the night without me knowing? Unless they didn’t want to be known. Perhaps a… secret party?”

Pinkie Pie gave her head a shake. It wasn’t making sense. None of this was. Those three silent foals in her store the other day asking for the punch bowl in the shape of a skull? Paying for it all with a sack full of bits they couldn’t possibly have earned by themselves? No. None of it was adding up.

Pinkie whirled on the spot to point a sharp hoof at Gummy perched on a shelf.

“Gummy! Take a letter! Dear Twilight Sparkle...” Pinkie began eloquently, before she started screaming aloud. “BLARGH! The Coalition of United Terrible Evils is having a party right this instant and I wasn’t even invited! Good grief!” Then she took a breath to calm herself. “Signed, your dearest friend, Pinkie Pie. Got all that, Gummy?”

Across the room, Gummy didn’t even blink at her. He just continued to stare into the void as the void stared back in return.

Pinkie Pie only snorted. “Oh, right. You’ve never written letters before. I must’ve been thinking of Spike again. All you reptiles look alike to me. Never mind! Still, this seems like a great time to panic, so I will!”

With that said, Pinkie Pie began galloping around the room before leaping out her bedroom window in the direction of Twilight’s house—broken glass and terrified screams and all.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Lightning Dust yelled, as she opened and folded her wings again and again in clear irritation. She blew a bit of sweat drenched mane out of her eyes. “We can’t stop now. We’re almost at Celestia’s castle.”

Completely disregarding her, Gilda polished off the latest bottle of soda in her talons before popping the cap off another one. “Take a chill pill, Dusty. We’re way, way in the lead already. You think anyone else at that stupid party could possibly get there before us? Even if we stop for breaks?”

“But are we stopping for breaks or break-ins?” Lightning Dust snapped.

After hearing the news that whoever could successfully bring Celestia’s crown back to Discord sometime in the next hour would become an honorary member of C.U.T.E., Gilda and Lightning Dust had taken to the skies and zoomed towards the center of Canterlot as fast as their beating wings could carry them. But that was all before Gilda had randomly veered towards a local shop to smash its windows open and break inside. The loot in question? A couple of ice-cold bottles of ginger ale.

Gilda rolled her eyes at the pegasus. “If you’re not having any fun when you’re doing something important, then you’re just plain doing it wrong. That’s my motto. I’ll tell you what, Flappy Bird. I’ll finish this tasty drink. We’ll get back in the air. And then we’ll both have Celestia’s crown back at the party before anyone even knows what’s happened. Sound good, Grumpy Dust?”

Turning her back to her, Lightning Dust quietly muttered to herself, “I am getting so sick of these nicknames.” She then gasped as something zoomed overhead outside. “Oh, crap! We need to get going, Gilda! Right this second!”

Gilda took another sip from her bottle. “Why? Who’s ahead of us?” She took another sip as she pondered about something from before. “And who doesn’t like my clever nicknames?”

Lightning Dust turned to her with a quizzical expression. “I think it was that little colt kid from the party. Not Bad Dude, but the other one—the pegasus. And I think he was carrying something, too. Something metal-looking.”

Angrily, Gilda threw her drink to the floor. “That’s it! I am not getting beaten by some stupid child. If Rainbow Dash ever heard about that, I’d beat myself up for it.” With a loud snapping sound, she swiftly unfurled her wings out to her sides. “Let’s ride!”

While they walked, Starlight Glimmer gingerly poked and prodded at Sunset Shimmer’s mane, pursing her lips as she did. “Your mane and tail colors are wonderful, Sunset,” she told the other mare openly. “Who does your dye jobs? I’d just love to have equal quality mane and tail colors as you.”

“Oh… uh…” That question seemed to stall Sunset a bit. “They’re not really from around here, but I could always give you some tips. Actually, before we get sidetracked, let’s take off these hoof-bands they made us wear at the party. They kinda look ridiculous on us right now.”

Two pink-colored strips of paper clung to both of their forelegs. Each one read: “MID-LEVEL VILLAIN” in thick block letters.

Starlight scoffed as she removed her hoof-band with her magic. “Mid-level? Please. That Coalition has no idea what I have planned for Twilight Sparkle in the upcoming months. In fact, I would consider it equal to or greater than anything they’ve come up with so far.”

That latest statement made Sunset’s shoulders slump. “Another unicorn that hates Twilight Sparkle? Seriously?”

Starlight chuckled dryly. “Does this mean we should form a club? I call dibs on bringing snacks—everyone gets two cookies and one glass of punch. No more, no less. Anyways, what’s your problem with the Princess of Purple, Sunset?”

Sunset shrugged absently. “No problem, really. I just don’t like her. Having said that, I don’t hate her, either. Perhaps you could say I’m merely weighing my options at the moment. Not that I had much of a choice in attending tonight’s party; I got an invitation in the mail that literally swallowed me whole and spit me back out on that couch we were sitting on together.”

“Discord?” Starlight suggested.

“Who else?” Sunset stopped in her tracks outside of Celestia’s castle, angling her head to take it all in once more. It had been a long time since she’d been there—the last time she was actually a pony, too. Hopefully Celestia hadn’t done anything outrageous since Sunset had last been there like add extra security or move her treasured crown to some place other than her bedside table.

Sunset raised a brow at Starlight. “Want my help getting that crown back to Discord? Then follow me and stay close. And don’t do anything idiotic while we’re in there.”

Bad Dude sat on the lip of the roof with a long blanket pulled up to his chin and a box of buttery popcorn on his lap. While he pleasantly munched away, Tic, Tac, and Toe took to both sides of him and crawled under the blanket to sit and watch events unfold. Instantly, Bad Dude was reminded of the times when his dad would tell scary stories to him and his mom as they huddled under blankets on the couch and gasped in all the right places.

As Tic and Toe nuzzled their heads into Bad Dude’s sides in an effort to get some tasty affection out of him, Discord planted a hoof on the edge of the roof with a grunt. “This… is… so… boring!” he screamed, his high-pitched wail faintly echoing along the deserted streets of Canterlot. “Get on with it already, darn you!”

Less than a minute after Discord had announced his “game” for every possible villain to play, he’d snapped every member of the Coalition to the tallest rooftop in Canterlot to watch all of the chaos unfold. Now came the hardest part for the draconequus. Waiting for the delicious chaos to unfold.

“I could’ve gotten that crown six times by now,” Discord continued to lament, pacing back and forth across the rooftop anxiously.

Bad Dude stopped munching on his popcorn for a moment to ask him, “Who do you hope gets the crown, Discord? I sort of want Trixie to get it. She’s really sure of herself and keeps pulling coins out of my ears somehow. I had no idea just how much money I had in my head!”

Discord waved a limp claw in the air. “I don’t care who gets the crown, honestly. Although a female might be a nice choice. At the moment, it’s kind of a carrot-fest in C.U.T.E., if you catch my drift.”

“I don’t,” Bad Dude replied earnestly.

Growling deep within his throat, Discord painfully ran his claws down his face. “Won’t somebody do something already!? Where’s the explosions and intrigue around here, huh!?”

“Patience, Snake Clown. Good things only come to those who wait.”

Discord and Bad Dude turned to find Sombra and Chrysalis setting up a checkered blanket on the other side of the roof. On a plate, they had a few leftover snacks from the party and in a silver bucket full of ice they had a nicely chilled bottle of champagne. Chrysalis used her magic to pry off the cork and fill up two glasses—levitating one over to Sombra who was seated beside her.

“But let me say this now,” Sombra warned Discord smugly, “this had better work out in our favor, Discord. So far our group has thrived on word of mouth and through immense levels of fear brought about by reputation alone. Each of us has changed the history of Equestria in some way, so each of us deserves a place on this team. Any new members should be able to meet those requirements too.”

Discord planted his hands on his hips. “Meaning?”

“Meaning I don’t wish for no third rate villain to somehow join our team due to random luck alone. Not that unicorn that just so happened to have spit in Luna’s coffee one morning. Not the mare that doodles the ‘Twilight Sparkle Is A Super-Duper Dork’ comic strip in the daily newspaper.”

Sombra’s attention was redirected when Chrysalis rubbed at one of his shoulders with a hoof. “Come now, Sombee. Just relax and enjoy the show. I’m sure only the strong will survive tonight. Isn’t that how we’ve both lasted this long?”

Sombra rolled his eyes but didn’t put a stop to her soft touch. “Don’t call me ‘Sombee’ out in public, Chrysalis. That’s a private name.”

Chuckling, Chrysalis flashed him a wicked grin before pulling him close. “Oh, really? I thought this was your private name.”

That was when she whispered something to him completely out of earshot that made Sombra’s cheeks turn a deep ruby red.

“Such a dirty Queen we have here,” Sombra cooed back. “Such talk cannot go unpunished, I’m afraid.”

Although Bad Dude was unsure of what it all meant, Tic, Tac, and Toe all collectively shivered under the blanket they all shared. Bad Dude glanced their way. “How are you guys cold? We’re under a blanket.”

Discord snapped his fingers and caused Sombra’s head to rip to the side as if suddenly slapped. “Remind me to soundproof your bedrooms from now on. And perhaps steam clean everything you both touch.” He then turned his attention back to the rest of Canterlot to gaze at.

In the wide area below, two female unicorns made their way up the street and in the direction of Celestia’s castle. Down a completely different route, a whole group of teenage dragons slowly marched their way forward in a lumbering stride. Up in the air, a pegasus and a griffon flew atop the roof of Canterlot castle so fast that it would make one’s head spin.

It finally appeared as if things were about to begin. When suddenly…

“Oh, jeeze Louis. Who in Tartarus is that?” Discord pointed to an area of the sky close to the building they were on.

“I think it’s that Bad Dude clone,” Chrysalis informed him, gingerly sipping on her champagne glass. “Nasty Brute or whatever.”

“Terrible Colt,” Bad Dude corrected. “But he looks different somehow, doesn’t he?”

In the starless black sky, Terrible Colt hurriedly flapped his wings in order to keep himself up in the air. At some time prior to that moment, he must’ve done away with his cape and replaced it with a small metal canister tied to his back; a coil tube snaked its way from the canister all the way to a silver rod he held in-between his hooves.

The most notable difference on the colt was the curved metal helmet Terrible Colt had stuck over his head, giving his face the appearance of a silver skull. The fake “ears” on the helmet were made of a soft black material that looked like speakers of sorts. Lastly, it seemed as if a small microphone had been welded to his helmet right over his mouth.

Bad Dude could only furrow his brows and grimace as he noticed all this. “He looks sort of… sinister now. What happened to him?”

“Maybe that’s his villain costume,” Tirek suggested, standing on the edge of the roof with his arms crossed over his chest. “Sometimes when individuals who lack self-esteem want to become noticed, they don costumes much bolder than the individual underneath. Although this colt may call himself ‘Terrible’, I highly doubt he’s anything more—”

“Your peaceful existence has come to an end!”

All eight figures on the rooftop jolted as the blaring and guttural voice made itself heard clear across Canterlot.

“Equestria will burn one city at a time! To resist is to foolishly perish! Terrible Colt shows no mercy and expects none in return!”

When Terrible Colt was finished speaking into his amplified microphone system, he pulled out his short silver rod and pressed a series of buttons on its side, causing it to light up and loudly hum. As he slowed his flight and steadily made his way down the street, Terrible Colt directed the tip of his metal mechanism downwards and shot out a wall of flames a full twelve feet across. As the fire reached the street below, it hungrily devoured the front of shops and any furniture left outside. Six fruit stands included.

As Terrible Colt continued to torch anything in sight, he only laughed and laughed in his synthetically made voice. “Terrible Colt will swallow your soul! All shall be dead by dawn!”

Bad Dude’s mouth became unhinged as Tic, Tac, and Toe all turned to him. In response, all Bad Dude could do was grimace and tell them earnestly, “He seemed a whole lot nicer in person.”

“What a villain!” Sombra bellowed, leaping to his hooves by the edge of the roof. “And he’s cute, too! Wow! He’s burning everything in sight!”

Discord went to stand next to him, pulling on his beard as he spoke. “I usually don’t tend to agree with dark and smelly Kings, but… yeah, this colt’s great!” Discord placed a hand on his belly as he laughed. “So much chaos in such a short amount of time! Already ponies are scurrying out of their homes in fright! This kid might be a natural villain!”

“But… but…” Bad Dude whimpered out on the lip of the roof, dropping his box of popcorn to the street below. “He’s not even going for the crown! He can’t be on the team if he doesn’t get the crown, right?”

Discord and Sombra sighed in unison.

“I’m sure he’s only biding his time—spreading fear like good villains should!” Sombra explained.

Discord then helpfully added, “And once the other contenders see how insane he is, I highly doubt they’ll stick around until the end. I mean, come on! He just said he’d swallow everyone’s soul for Celestia’s sake! What a nutjob! I love him already!”

“But… but do we really need another colt on the team? Honestly?” Bad Dude practically pleaded. “Wouldn’t someone older make a better choice?”

Discord gagged and stuck out his tongue. “You mean like two Tireks, Bad Dude? Don’t be ridiculous. And you and Terrible Colt are nothing alike. I don’t remember you laughing manically when I accidentally set the kitchen on fire while making my burnt toast fort last week.”

“That’s because you singed the tip of my tail by doing that!”

Discord rolled his eyes. “So I gave you a tall torched tail tale to tell. Who cares?”

With rising unease, Bad Dude could only watch helplessly as Sombra and Discord never took their eyes off of Terrible Colt—who was still billowing out fire from the sky and explaining to the evacuating ponies below just what he’d do to them soon enough.

When Bad Dude was sure that no one was paying him any mind, he flipped up the blanket covering him and the changeling trio so it went right over their heads. Once covered, Tic, Tac, and Toe all turned to him curiously.

“I need you three to do me a favor,” Bad Dude spoke in a hushed tone. “I need you to make sure that Terrible Colt does not get Celestia’s crown tonight. Do whatever it takes.”

Tic, Tac, and Toe all nodded at once.

Author's Notes:

Sorry about the short chapter and long gap between updates. I'm slowly attempting to get back into Bad Dude after perhaps feeling a bit burnt out on long fiction. (Among other reasons.)

I won't prolong the "Quest For The Crown" section much further. Next chapter will wrap it up, so it may end up a bit long. We'll see. So... anyone still reading this thing?

Quest For The Crown (Part Two)

Twilight Sparkle was in the middle of the most wonderful of dreams. A new store had opened up in the heart of Ponyville promising only the most delicious of muffin tops with no dastardly muffin bottoms to get in the way. Finally, someone that understood the blandness of that dark side of the muffin. It was almost too good to be true. Mostly, because it was.

“Twilight? You’re drooling. Are you having that muffin tops dream again?”

One of Twilight’s eyes popped opened. “Oh, Celestia. Are those… whole strawberries… in the mixed fruit muffin tops?”

Princess Cadence roughly shook her awake. “Twilight! Now’s not the time for your fruity nonsense! Your friend Pinkie Pie is here and she says she needs a perfect party favor for an all villains party.”

Sluggishly, Twilight ran a hoof through her disheveled mane. “An all villains party? What would you even bring to something like that? Black licorice?”

Again, Princess Cadence gave her shoulders a hard shake. “Twilight, I don’t think you’re fully understanding what’s happening here. If Pinkie Pie’s hunch is correct, then that means C.U.T.E. might be holding a party right this very minute with every bad guy and ne’er-do-well in Equestria! It also means that I made the right call by staying with you after the Empire was destroyed…”

Cadence let her sentence end prematurely as Twilight eventually understood what was happening.

“Shiny!” Twilight finally squeaked out. “My brother should be there! We have to go rescue him!”

Cadence gave her a nod. “But we can’t try and rescue him on our own. We’ll need the help of the other Princesses and the Elements of Harmony to assist. Can you summon your friends here as quickly as possible, Twilight?”

The tip of Twilight’s horn glowed for a moment before fading. “Already done. I sent the Twi-signal up into the sky while we were speaking. My friends have been on red alert since the Empire attack so they should be here any minute.”

Cadence cocked a single brow. “Twi-signal? How often do you use that?”

Shrugging, Twilight explained, “Mostly whenever there’s a friendship problem. Or if I’m in serious need of pizza. There’s a place in Ponyville that makes a great feta and broccoli deep-dish that I can’t get enough of. You could say because of my signal, I basically have them on speed dial.”

“Then we don’t have a moment to lose.” Cadence turned away from Twilight to stare at Pinkie Pie, who was currently pacing around the room in a hurried circle. “Pinkie Pie, where is this party exactly? And can you tell how many individuals are possibly in attendance?”

In an effort to find a suitable party favor, Pinkie Pie was in the middle of sorting through some of Twilight’s old books. At the moment, it was a tough choice between “Fifty Shades of Lavender: The Paint Sample Book” and “101 Interesting Facts About Draconequi by Yottall Ton Ciddors”.

“If my party sense is telling me anything,” Pinkie explained as she glanced from book to book, “and it usually does, it’s that this villains party is totally off the hook! Meaning there might be anywhere from twenty to fifty attendees! Although I wouldn’t consider every one of them as a full blown villain.”

“And where is this party, Pinkie?” Twilight asked, once she rolled out of bed and went to stand next to Cadence. “Is there any chance we could surprise them somehow?”

Pinkie Pie giggled at something only she was aware of. “I doubt it. More likely, they’ll be the ones surprising a whole bunch of ponies tonight.”

“What does that mean?” Cadence questioned.

“It means the party’s been moved, silly! Now they’re in…” Pinkie Pie stopped for a moment to cough out a mouthful of confetti out onto her hoof. Once that was done, she gently blew it away and watched as it tumbled to the floor. Somehow that told her enough. “Canterlot! More specifically: Celestia’s castle!”

“Oh, crumbs,” Cadence muttered out. “Celestia isn’t going to like this.”

Princess Celestia was having the most wonderful of dreams. A new shop had opened up in the heart of Canterlot that served muffin tops and muffin tops only. Dozens of varieties. Friendly staff. All unused muffin bottoms going directly to the needy and the poor. It was a win-win-win situation for every citizen in Canterlot, no doubt. Now if only such a shop actually existed…

Celestia snorted and startled herself awake. Rising from bed, she held her covers tight to her chest. “Muffin tops? Again?” With a weary sigh, she turned to the set of shut doors across her bedroom. “Luna! We’ve been over this! Canterlot already has seven bakeries and all of them already specialize in muffins! Another shop would only hurt their business!”

Celestia watched the doors to Luna’s room for close to a minute.

“But I care not for muffin bottoms!” Luna eventually declared in return.

“Then just pick them off!” Celestia shouted back. “And stop giving ponies muffin top dreams! The amount of letters I’m receiving about new muffin shops is getting ridiculous!”

Celestia waited another minute before returning her head back to her pillow. It had been a long day and she was more than tired. Another solid round of sleep sounded like everything she wanted at the time. If only she could ignore the two sets of soft hoofsteps crossing her bedroom floor.

Intruders, she mused miserably. Of course the guards didn’t catch them. They never catch them, do they? Think they’d steal a few things and depart so I could continue to sleep? Or would they try to usurp me as usual? I could always get a good forty winks bound and gagged; I’ve done it enough by this point. I only hope they won’t try to knock me out with something. That always messes up the flow of my hair and I hate that. I could deal with them myself… but then I’d have to get up. Since when had this bed become so darn comfy?

Without shifting her position an inch, Celestia told the intruders, “Take what you want, just so long as you don’t bother me. I’m tired and I can deal with you both in the morning. Consider it a head start. Sound good? All right, I’m going back to sleep now.”

The soft hoofsteps came to a halt and Celestia heard one of them whisper to the other. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, one of them came forward to stop at the side of her bed. Something light and metallic shifted off her bedside table.

Celestia lit her horn and came face to face with Sunset Shimmer.

She gave Celestia a crooked grin. “Good evening, Celestia. What’s brings you here?”

“It’s my personal bedchambers.”

Sunset nodded. “Ah. That’s makes sense. Well, I’ll just be grabbing this here crown of yours and I’ll be on my way, so you can go right back to sleep if you want.”

“You’re stealing my crown?” Celestia spoke morosely. “Again?”

“Old habits and all,” Sunset Shimmer replied coolly. “But I wouldn’t worry too much about little old me, though. Everyone else vying for your crown on the other hoof…”

Darn, was the last thing Celestia thought of in the soft and warm confines of her bed. “Guards!” Celestia roared for all of her castle to hear.

Garble was pleased with the progress made thus far. Less than three minutes ago, his medium-sized group of dragon brethren and him had stomped onto the grounds of Canterlot and already they had the pair of stallion guards blocking the entrance to the castle right where they wanted them. It would only be a matter of seconds until both guards broke for good and they’d be permitted to enter the castle with ease.

“Who dressed you this morning, huh? Your mom? Figures she’d pick out something so lame to wear!”

The stallion guard on the left took on their latest taunt with a noticeably quivering chin. “My mother didn’t dress me at all! These are standard guard uniforms! Ask anyone around here!”

“What a bunch of losers they got standing outside the castle!” another younger dragon japed. “Not good enough to protect the Princesses inside? Do they make you water the flowers when you have nothing better to do?”

“Sometimes!” the poor stallion guard on the right yelped, his eyes already brimming with tears. “But we only do that to be polite! The Canterlot gardener has a lot on her plate, so—”

“These excuses are getting worse and worse,” Garble complained loudly, pinching the bridge of his nose with his claws. “How can you even call yourselves guards? In the history of Equestria has a single guard ever successfully protected a Princess? I think by this point a suit of armor stuffed with rocks would protect them better. At least rocks wouldn’t run off when things got bad.”

“Shut up!” the left guard pleaded. “I once took a pie in the face for Princess Luna! Why… why if she was actually hit with that blueberry pie—there’s no telling what could’ve happened! It could’ve started The Fifth Great Equestrian War for all we know!”

Garble snorted and laughed alongside the other dragons. “So your special talent is taking pies to the face? No wonder they got you on moon watch duty! If I were you, I’d pack it in right now. What’s the point in even trying? You’re both such losers, anyways. Leave protecting the Princesses to the real guards, why don’t you?”

That latest barb seemed to be the one that started the waterworks, as the pony on the left began to sob uncontrollably while the one on the right sniffled and attempted to console him with a hoof.

Using his horn, the guard on the right shoved open the door behind them and led them both inside. He called back timidly, “You’re all lucky it happens to be cheese and cracker break time! Otherwise… otherwise…”

“Otherwise you would’ve thought of an actual comeback?” Garble asked thickly.

The guard raised his chin a bit and slammed the doors shut. Garble was surprised when he heard no lock or mechanism slide into place across the doors. Perhaps his group’s intimidation and vicious name calling had ended up working too well.

Garble wasn’t about to complain, though. An unlocked castle was still an unlocked castle.

“High-five!” Garble slapped his claws against the closest dragon to him. They all chuckled and laughed until their eyes started leaking. “That crown is as good as ours!”

Garble’s throat went dry the moment two new unicorn guards stepped out of the castle, donning the same uniforms as the previous two.

“I’ve heard word a group of dragons has been harassing some of our guards. Is this true?”

Garble couldn’t meet the pair of mare guards in the eyes. The two of them looked at the gang of teenage dragons like well-chewed pieces of gum stuck to the bottom of their hooves.

“Will someone answer her!?” the other mare exclaimed, causing them all to jolt.

Someone nudged Garble in the hip. “What are you waiting for? Just do what you did to the other guards. Taunt them until they give up! Go ahead, Garble.”

With his claws, Garble awkwardly scratched the back of his head. “Well… you see… I’m not used to talking to girls. They’re… different, you know? Delicate and soft. Why don’t you give it a try?”

The other dragon puffed out his chest before taking a step in the guards’ direction. “You there! Mares!”

“Yes?” One of the mares sneered at him in vivid disgust.

The dragon made a clicking noise in his throat; his puffed out chest deflating in a hurry. “Having a good night? When is your shift over? I have a great recipe for chili if you’re interested.”

Garble smacked the dragon across the head. “You rocks for brains!”

“But… but they’re pretty, Garble!” was the only answer the dragon had.

The same mare from a moment ago rolled her eyes. “That’s it. Party’s over. You’re all standing on private property—castle visiting hours are between six and eight—so that means…” She glanced to her matching cohort in sparkling armor.

“You all get lasers set to stun!” they finished as one, before illuminating their horns and shooting out bright bursts of painful electricity in all directions.

Garble’s pack of young dragons energetically dispersed at once, heading everywhere except the castle doors. That was fine. Only one individual could lay claim to Celestia’s crown that night, so what point was there for added competition anyways? More than likely one of the others would’ve tried taking it from Garble at some point.

“Get back here you!” Again and again, the mare guards fired off laser after laser at each swiftly scurrying dragon. “This’ll teach you to pick on innocent Canterlot guards!”

While the two guards split away from the castle doors, Garble took the opportunity and quickly lunged towards the castle. Only after sealing the doors shut with a long wooden rod behind him did he hear Celestia’s earsplitting call for more guards.

“About freaking time!” Discord wailed, perched on the lip of the rooftop overlooking Canterlot. “Feels like I’ve been waiting over a month for something interesting to happen!”

Down below, the five members of C.U.T.E. watched in silent fascination as Garble’s group of likeminded dragons first succeeded in verbally breaking down two guards before being utterly destroyed by a pair of armored mares. As Tirek and Discord laughed, Sombra only growled deep in his throat while his nostrils flared. “So help me, Discord! If any one of those imbecilic dragons manages to steal that crown—”

Discord shushed Sombra with a thin finger up the nose—causing Sombra to take a few steps back and sneeze violently. “Settle down, King Poopy Pants. Don’t want to see you go ruining another pair of perfectly good pants simply by overreacting.”

“But I’m not wearing any pants!” Sombra barked back.

“I’ll say,” Chrysalis added playfully, giving Sombra’s bare rump a quick poke.

Discord sighed. “Let me clarify for all those too idiotic to understand—namely, everyone currently on this rooftop.”

“Hey!” Bad Dude yelped.

Discord waved his fingers at him. “Hey, Bad Dude. How’s it going? Anyways, what this little ‘competition’ of mine will do is something simple, but more importantly, fundamental: remove the weak from the strong. Garble showed us just that. In the quest for Celestia’s crown, he cast aside his fellow zit-covered dragons and marched right inside the castle to better his own chances of success. Do I want Garble on the team? Not really. Teenagers are the scum of the Earth. It’s just a fact. But with any luck, this’ll only be a taste of what’s to come this evening.”

Anxiously, Bad Dude kept his focus on the darkened castle ahead. It had been over a minute since they’d heard Celestia cry out for her guards and over thirty seconds since Terrible Colt had stopped his fiery reign of doom and broken a window in order to get inside the castle’s main floor. It had also been over five minutes since he’d sent Tic, Tac, and Toe on their way.

“Where’s that brother of yours, Tirek?” Sombra asked. “The one called Grogar. If there was anyone I expected to do well tonight, it was him. He appeared nefarious enough for this group. Or… at least more nefarious than Bad Dude.”

“Hey!” Bad Dude yelped again.

“Hey, Bad Dude. How are you doing? Need another blanket?”

On the other side of the roof, Tirek exhaled bitterly. “As much as Grogar may call me brother, he is in fact nothing of the sort. Centuries ago he saved my life and ever since then he’s become accustom to calling me ‘brother’, although I would never say the name has ever been spoken with any sort of love behind it. I think since saving my life, Grogar may look at me as merely an object of interest. At any point, he could ask a single favor of me and I’m sure I would comply regardless of what said favor would entail. Centaurs have always been like that. My father once stopped me from eating an apple with a worm in it. In return, I destroyed an entire battalion of enemy unicorns and pegasi for him.” He sighed. “Upon reflection, I’m almost certain he was the one that placed that worm in my apple in the first place.”

Discord glared at him dumbfounded. “So you’re telling me that if it wasn’t for Grogar, you’d be dead by now?”

Tirek nodded solemnly.

“That bastard!” Discord raised both arms in fury. “If I see that guy again—BAM—right in the kisser! Yes! Right in the crotch!”

Seemingly uncaring of worms and soft parts of the male anatomy, Chrysalis yawned while glancing around the roof. “Bad Dude? You wouldn’t happen to know where my children have gone off to, would you?”

“Uh…” Bad Dude nervously chewed on the tip of his tongue. “I dropped my popcorn, so I asked if they would grab me some more. And a pop, if they could find one.”

“Oh, I see.”

Bad Dude breathed a sigh of relief.

Chrysalis raised her head again. “Why not ask Discord for more popcorn? From what I understand, he’s part draconequus and part popcorn machine. Equal part annoying, too.”

“Need more popcorn, Bad Dude?” Discord strolled over to him and coughed out a batch of saliva-soaked kernels onto his hand. “I think I have some extra butter in my ears somewhere if you want it.”

Bad Dude grimaced. “Nah. I’m good, but thanks. Tic, Tac, and Toe should be back soon. I think they were getting restless—sitting and watching for so long. They probably wanted to stretch their wings a bit.”

“Wouldn’t have anything to do with the sudden appearance of Terrible Colt, would it?” Sombra asked tentatively, not taking his eyes off the city before him. “Sending three innocent changeling helpers to purposely sabotage a prospective villain recruit, perhaps?”

Bad Dude held two hooves to his cheeks to hide his rising blush. “What? No way! Why would I do something like that?”

“Just making conversation.” Lightly, Sombra tapped his hooves together. “Although… using one’s minions to backstab another is rather nefarious.”

Chrysalis nodded in assent. “Agreed.”

“Oh.” Bad Dude lowered his hooves again. “In that case—”

“But,” Discord cut in suddenly, “is it truly nefarious to backstab a fellow villain? Or does it work like a double-negative and cancel each other out? Tirek betrayed me long ago and he didn’t get any more nefarious. In fact, all he got was several lifetimes wrapped up in chains.”

Both Sombra and Chrysalis nodded along.

“Perhaps we should consult the Villains Handbook on this one.”

Tirek, Sombra, Chrysalis, and Discord all reached behind their backs to retrieve an identical green text covered in gold writing. They all thumbed to the center before Discord furrowed his brows.

“This might take a while,” he went on to explain. “Says here there’s a difference between a villain betraying a villain and a villain betraying a once-reformed-or-innocent-villain; and don’t get me started on the addition of hapless minions in order to betray a once-reformed-or-innocent-villain.”

“If we want to get to the bottom of this,” Chrysalis surmised, “you’d better snap us up some coffee.”

“I’m well ahead of you.” Then Discord did just that as Bad Dude could only stare at them in hopeless and utter confusion.

“Well? What are you waiting for? Get me that crown!” Diamond Tiara angled her head up to her butler, who was still rubbing sleep out of his eyes after being slapped awake only minutes before being hauled out to Canterlot castle.

Her butler took off his cotton sleeping cap. “I’m not sure that’s part of my duties, Diamond. Breaking into Canterlot castle after dark for the sole purpose of stealing Princess Celestia’s crown? Such acts of violence would look terrible on a resume.”

Diamond Tiara stomped a tiny hoof angrily. “Like I care! Who do you even work for? My family or Princess Celestia? Answer me that, Jeeves!”

“You know my name isn’t Jeeves.”

With a grumble, Diamond Tiara replied, “You honestly expect someone like me to keep track of all the hired help?”

“I’ve taken care of you since the day you were born, my precious Diamond.”

She stuck out her tongue at him. “That just means you’re old. And old things are the worst! Unless they’re diamonds or jewels. Those are okay, I guess.”

Using her hoof, Silver Spoon gently pulled on her friend’s foreleg. “Could we just go home already, Diamond Tiara? I don’t like the looks of things around here. There’re so many villains out tonight, and I’m sure Twilight Sparkle will be arriving any minute now…” She kicked a small pebble on the street. “And why do you even want to be a part of C.U.T.E.? I know they’re sort of popular now, but they plan on taking over the world eventually! I know you’re not always super nice to everyone, but I didn’t think that meant you wanted to actually rule over everyone.”

In response, Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and played with her mane. “Again, Silver Spoon, you’re missing the point here. I could care less about—”

“It’s couldn’t care less, Diamond,” her butler corrected lightly.

Diamond scrunched her face at him. “Did I say you could speak, Alfred!?”

“Now you’re merely changing my name on purpose, aren’t you?” Diamond Tiara’s butler hung his head low. “I could’ve made it look like an accident, you know. I had the pillow and everything. You were only three months old and already I could see the evil lurking deep inside of you.”

“What was that, Geoffrey?” Diamond Tiara spat.

“Nothing… nothing, my beautiful Diamond… my beautiful treasure trove that should’ve remained buried and forgotten.”

“That’s better.” Diamond faced her nervous friend again. “As I was saying: I have no intention of joining some stupid league of washed-up old villains. All I want is Celestia’s crown. Wouldn’t I look smashing with such a jewel? And what better time to grab it than when everyone else has the Princesses occupied?”

Silver Spoon’s mouth went as thin as a pencil line. “And you think your butler is capable of doing that? He is pretty old.”

“He’s never let me down before, has he?”

Cracking his head from side to side, Diamond’s butler did as he was bid and galloped towards the castle before being spotted by a guard.

Again, the butler lowered his head. “I can only hope you will forgive me in time, my good stallion.” He then brought his hoof up to the guard’s chin, leaving him sprawled out in the dirt. Following that, the ageing butler took the guard’s shield and spear and continued on his way in the direction of the bustling castle.

Diamond Tiara grinned. “See? Whatever I want, I get!”

Her friend only regarded her dryly. “You do realize your butler once thought about putting a pillow over your face when you were a foal, right?”

Diamond Tiara shrugged. “So has the rest of my father’s hired help.”

Terrible Colt kept his distance from the melee up the hall. Instead, he spent that time adjusting his flamethrower and speaker system for a more interior setting. It would still seem terrifying and chaotic to all those around, he had no doubt, but more than anything he didn’t want to get torched along with the others during his journey towards Celestia’s crown.

He had to suppress a faint giggle underneath his steel mask. What would Bad Dude think once he successfully stole the crown? Would they become instant best friends or would it take time to get to know each other? Either or would do just fine.

Upon reflection, Terrible Colt thought they’d get along instantly. He wouldn’t be there at all if it wasn’t for Bad Dude, correct? The first foal super villain of our time? Hadn’t Terrible Colt even fashioned a wooden figure in Bad Dude’s likeness and painted it to match the real pony almost exact?

I probably won’t show him that, though, Terrible Colt thought. Don’t want to come off as crazy or anything. Maybe as a Hearth’s Warming Eve present.

Once he’d clamped both homemade Piston Hooves on each foreleg, Terrible Colt peered down the hallway again to access the situation at hoof. Somehow things had gotten even worse than before.

Princess Celestia’s face was stuck in a grimace as she continuously fired a barrage of magic in Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer’s direction. In return, Sunset had erected a thick barrier to keep them safe—although it appeared to be weakening with every passing moment.

“Luna!” Celestia cried. “Please! I need your help!”

Out of sight in another room came an answer full of regret. “You know I cannot be a part of this, Celestia. It… it brings back memories I would much rather have forgotten about…”

“Sister!” Celestia tried once more. “You know we can only succeed if we work together!”

“Then I am sorry, Celestia,” was the last statement Luna made that entire evening.

While Celestia was busy speaking with her sister, Starlight had stepped away from her magical cover and shot her own spell at Celestia, forcefully propelling her against a wall. The two unicorns took the opening and trotted up the hall—only to be met by another pair in search of the crown.

“What do we have here?” Gilda asked snidely, wings hurriedly flapping in the air.

“Two unicorns in over their heads, obviously,” Lightning Dust added. “But thanks for getting the crown for us.”

Both of the flyers lunged for the unicorns. Sunset was able to halt Lightning Dust and drive her into the ground, but Starlight had been taken by surprise by another guard from inside the castle. One quick freeze spell later and Starlight had disposed of the guard. Too bad Sunset had already been thrown into a wall by Gilda, who then took Celestia’s crown all for herself.

“That was easy.” Gilda twirled the gold crown around one of her claws, before helping Lightning Dust back to her hooves. “I’ll make you a deal, Pizza Crust.”

“Lightning Dust,” the pegasus growled.

“Whatever. Whoever makes it back to Discord from Canterlot first gets to join the Coalition. Sound fair? And then whoever joins simply puts in a good word for the other. Win-win! Sound good?”

“Yes, win-win sounds good to Terrible Colt.”

Before Gilda could do more than squawk out a single syllable, Terrible Colt charged up his lightweight Piston Hooves and drove a solid punch right into her gut—sending her not just through one wall, but three.

He glanced at Lightning Dust who instantly shied away from him.

“Hey! The crown’s all yours, kiddo!” she sputtered out. “Just let me know when you plan on kicking the feathers out of Rainbow Dash, okay? Save me a seat?”

Terrible Colt nodded. “Will do.”

Terrible Colt took his time crawling through each hole Gilda had left in her wake. When he finally came upon her curled up body, he nabbed the crown still held tight in her claws for only a mere second before it was forcibly taken from him.

“Sorry!” Sunset Shimmer stood out in the hall and slapped the crown over her head as fast as she could before teleporting away. But that was fine, though. Terrible Colt was a pegasus and he could outpace any unicorn on the way back to Discord.

Still, that made him annoyed. Once again, he charged up his Piston Hooves.

I’ll aim for the face next time, he thought.

That was when someone knocked on the hole in the wall before entering the room he was in.

Terrible Colt cocked his head to the side. “What are you three doing here?”

Author's Notes:

NBD: Remember readers when I said this chapter would wrap up all this crown business?

Readers: That's right, Derpy! You did!

NBD: I lied.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wk-jT9rn-8

(Having too much fun with this part, it seems. Next part should be the last. Hopefully.)

Quest For The Crown (Part Three)

The castle doors slammed shut behind Twilight Sparkle and her friends and they quickly formed a battle position. All except for Fluttershy who’d chosen the very middle of their closed circle to hide within.

“You don’t think…” she began lowly. “You don’t think every villain is in Celestia’s castle right now, do you? Like… even that salespony that tried to rob me of my bits that one time? That pony was just so rude to me.”

Irritably, Rainbow Dash blew a bit of mane from her eyes. “You’re worried about running into ponies like that? What about Chrysalis or Sombra or—”

“Trixie?” Twilight finished for her with a sharp inhale.

“Rarity, Twilight! Light up your horns!” Princess Cadence did the same and strolled around the castle’s immense foyer. Every one of them had been there several times prior and already they could sense something was off. It was oddly dark inside. And silent, too, except for the light taps of hooves on solid marble.

Not what one would expect from a castle under siege by villains of all makes and sizes.

Twilight stopped by a gold-framed painting on the wall. “Anyone remember Celestia commissioning this?”

The rest of her party stopped by the picture and blanched.

“Well,” Rarity offered helpfully, “it is a rather nice picture of her.”

The painting in question was one of the Great and Powerful Trixie seated on a lush throne with a golden scepter clutched tight to her chest. On her head was a crown; plunked down overtop her trademark magician’s hat.

“And there are more of them over here.” Cadence shined her horn on another set of Trixie-related paintings: Trixie happily prancing within the royal gardens; Trixie seated in the royal dining hall imitating a walrus with the aid of two carrot sticks; Trixie peacefully asleep on Celestia’s rug in front of a roaring fireplace; Trixie barking out orders to the Elements of Harmony, who were all bowing and wrapped up by thick lengths of chain.

Applejack pointed at the last one. “Now hold on just a second! None of this stuff has even happened yet!”

“Yet, my apple loving mare,” Trixie spoke from the top of the staircase across the room. “But just you wait. Already Trixie has laid claim to Canterlot castle and all those that lay within! Soon, Trixie’s influence will spread even further than one could imagine!” She chuckled to herself as she descended the stairs a step at a time. “The Princesses are already under Trixie’s control as well as all the members of the Coalition of United Terrible Evils! With them on Trixie’s side, do you honestly believe victory can be attained tonight? Hmm, Twilight?”

Twilight gave a curt nod. “Yep.”

The fast response made Trixie pause. “Really? But I’ve already taken everything from you.”

“No, you haven’t.” Twilight indicated the framed painting nearest to her. “See all these artworks? They all have a plaque at the bottom with the places and dates they were completed. Each of these paintings is labeled ‘Cantaloupe Castle’. It’s supposed to be ‘Canterlot’. You set your illusion spell to auto-correct, didn’t you?”

The blush on Trixie’s face told her enough.

“You must’ve been in a hurry to create this illusion for us,” Twilight continued. “An entire fake castle merely to distract us? What was the point of all this, Trixie?”

“To buy other villains time to get Celestia’s crown out of the castle so Trixie could steal it afterwards.” Trixie slapped a hoof over her mouth after speaking so bluntly. She gave her head a shake. “Trixie means: bow before the Great and Powerful—”

Twilight motioned with a hoof. “Come on, girls. This has all been a ruse. Whatever’s happening tonight has something to do with Celestia’s crown and I have a good idea what that is.”

As the seven mares exited from Trixie’s fake castle, Trixie undid the spell holding the illusion in place and watched as it all vanished around her like dust in the wind. She then sat in the suddenly vacant space of dirt with a pout. “Oh, crabapples.”

On numb hooves, Tic, Tac, and Toe entered the room and stood beside the hole in the wall. Only moments ago, all three of them had watched in utter and total shock as Terrible Colt had propelled Gilda the griffon directly through three solid walls with merely a punch. More than anything, they didn’t want to receive that same kind of treatment—especially considering how fragile changeling shells were known to be.

Of course, that was why they all took on completely different disguises for the mission at hoof.

“You three call yourselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders, do you not?” Terrible Colt took a step towards them, eyeing them all in turn.

Tic—currently as Sweetie Belle—nodded eagerly.

Terrible Colt laughed. “So you wish to put a stop to Terrible Colt? I would love to see you try. Leave now and I promise no harm will come to you. Just walk away and I will spare your lives.”

Toe, disguised as Apple Bloom, turned to Tic. He whispered as softly as he could in his click-style changeling voice. “Is he serious? Bad Dude was right—this colt’s crazy!”

Tic grimaced. “That’s why we need to be careful around him.”

The last of the changeling brothers joined their hushed conversation: Tac as Scootaloo. “Well, to be fair, Bad Dude’s not all that right in the head, either. I mean… if it wasn’t for him, would any of us be here in the first place?”

Toe had to ponder on that. “True, but I don’t think he meant for things to turn out this way. Plus, Bad Dude gives the best hugs and there’s no denying that fact.”

Toe’s brothers nodded assent and nearly drooled from the thought alone. If there was one thing the three of them knew for a certainty, it was that Bad Dude was loaded with delicious and nutritious love that they simply couldn’t get enough of. And of course, they all loved him in turn.

Toe had always wondered if normal ponies could feel it when a changeling was trying to give them their own version of love essence.

“What are you three whispering about?” Terrible Colt asked. “How best to stop Terrible Colt? It cannot be done.”

Tic shook his head and gave Sweetie Belle’s curly locks of mane a gentle flick. He held out one hoof and waved it from side to side in a soothing manner.

“No fight?” Terrible Colt sounded surprised. “You are wiser than I gave you credit for. Fine. You three shall be accompanying Terrible Colt back to C.U.T.E. along with Celestia’s crown. Then our Coalition will have the upper hoof on the Elements once and for all.”

Again, Tic shook Sweetie Belle’s mane and stepped towards Terrible Colt as he took a step back.

“What are you doing? I will be the one—”

Bringing a hoof to his lips, Tic shushed the foal and took off the silver skull mask he wore before dropping it to the ground. The child underneath the disguise appeared much more confused than before. Even more so when the changeling disguised as Sweetie Belle gave his cheek a small peck.

Terrible Colt choked on air as his face flushed. “You… you like me? You don’t even know who I am. I… I’m not used to talking to mares much.”

Tic gave him a faint smile, indicating that everything was fine.

Terrible Colt viewed them all hopefully. “Does this mean you three want to be villains too?”

Tic, Tac, and Toe didn’t waste the offered opening and collectively agreed. If they could stall him for at least another couple of minutes, the odds of him returning to Discord with the crown would only become more and more improbable.

“It wasn’t until I heard about Bad Dude that I decided villainy was the only path for me,” Terrible Colt continued on unabated. “They seemed like the only ones that could understand me. That’s why I stole that invitation to attend their party. Black letters with blood red writing? They weren’t that hard to find; that mailmare had dropped so many by mistake already.” He quivered out an eerie laugh. “Working at my dad’s shop for so long, I never really understood what it actually meant to be normal. Conversation has always been difficult for me. I either came across as too friendly or too weird to everyone. Perhaps never being around foals my own age was the cause. Homeschooled and all.”

Toe shot Tac a look. “Villains sure love to monologue, don’t they?”

Tac had to stifle a laugh. “Still, I feel a bit bad for him. Think we should tell Bad Dude to reconsider? This colt might only need a good friend to—”

Across the room, Terrible Colt scooped up his metallic skull mask to admire. “I could go on about villain motivations and all, but truthfully… I gave up on being popular long ago. I also gave up on being liked or loved. I’ve only been a villain for less than an hour now and already I’ve discovered something important—something I must’ve been longing for all along. It’s much better being feared than afraid. And I think I rather like that feeling.”

All good humor left Tac as his shoulders fell. “I take it back. This colt’s clearly insane. We need to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else tonight.”

“So what’s your plan, then?” Tic hissed back at him.

“Put a bag over his head? I did bring a burlap sack along.”

“I think we’d need a distraction for that.”

That was when Gilda shook herself awake on the floor and bit into Terrible Colt’s leg, causing him to scream.

“That’ll do,” Tac spoke, unfurling the burlap sack from his travel bag.

Outside in the hallway, Princess Celestia had Starlight Glimmer pressed up against the wall. “You’re that unicorn Twilight told me about—the one with the town all her own and with no cutie marks allowed.”

“Maybe,” was all Starlight answered with.

“It’s clear the Coalition has something to do with this, so why aren’t they here? And why does everyone seem so interested in my crown? If you all wanted to strike my sister or myself down this evening, collectively you could’ve done so by now. So what’s the plan?”

“Maybe.”

Celestia raised a brow. “Maybe doesn’t really work in this context.”

Starlight narrowed her eyes at her. “If I tell you, will you let me go?”

“Only if you tell me the truth.”

“Fine. The first one back to Discord with your crown gets to be the next official member of C.U.T.E. No strings attached. Neither Sunset Shimmer or myself were all that interested, but… well, we didn’t have much else going on tonight anyways.”

The warmest of smiles crossed Celestia’s lips. “Thank you, my child.”

“So you’ll let me go?”

Celestia shook her head. “Of course not. You broke into my home and attacked my staff. Something like that cannot go unpunished.”

Starlight’s mouth popped open. “You lied! Princesses don’t lie!”

“Please. Princesses lie all the time—just so long as it’s for the greater good.” Celestia glanced behind her. “Luna! Events have changed! Give me only a moment of your time to explain!”

Diamond Tiara’s butler tapped on Celestia’s shoulder. “Sorry to intrude, your highness. I was only wondering if I could borrow your crown for a few hours in order to brighten up a little filly’s day. I promise to return it the instant a successful copy has been made.”

Celestia’s grip on Starlight weakened as she stared at the wizardly butler. “Another one of you? I think you’re a little too old for this game. Depart from this castle before you do something you’ll regret.”

The butler gave her a small bow. “I’ve lived with regret every day since Diamond Tiara was born. I doubt another couple of hours will be enough to finally finish the job, your highness.”

Wiggling as hard as she could, Starlight eventually wormed her way our of Celestia’s grasp and dropped to the floor where she teleported away. Once she reappeared down another hall, she repeated the same teleportation trick until she stood on the lawn outside.

She exhaled a sigh of relief.

“Starlight Glimmer?” Twilight Sparkle asked incredulously. “You’re here too?”

Starlight snapped her jaws shut. “I’ve been around much longer than you’d think, Twilight! But we’ll have to save that discussion for another day.” Then she teleported herself a safe distance away in search of Sunset Shimmer.

It was unclear to Tic, Tac, and Toe whether Terrible Colt either had an overwhelming fear of small spaces, the dark, or burlap sacks in general, but once they’d successfully caught him inside of it (thankfully without dropping their Crusaders disguises), he began to thrash as if he’d been hit with a thousand volts of electricity.

“I’m outta here!” Gilda exclaimed, holding her claws to her stomach. “I think you broke something, you little jerk! If I ever see you again…” She never finished that thought, though. Only coughed and then sluggishly flew out of the hole in the wall.

For a while, the three changelings only watched Terrible Colt’s continued struggles, as he first wobbled and fell inside the sack, before smacking into a wall as he tried to somehow hover around while still completely trapped.

“He’ll wear himself out soon,” Toe told the other two.

“I hope,” Tic added.

Another half-minute passed and Terrible Colt finally sank to the floor motionless. Curious if he was done for good, Tac cautiously approached the sack until he heard something electric begin to hum from within. That was when Terrible Colt punched a hoof-sized hole through the bag, causing them all to jump.

Tac backpedaled a number of steps. “Time to retreat?”

His brothers nodded as Terrible Colt punched another three holes in the sack and ripped it wide open. Red-faced and shaking with rage, he crawled out and glared at them. “That wasn’t very nice!”

Tac was the first one to drop his Crusaders costume, with the other two doing the same soon afterwards. They all knew they’d need their wings to get out of there as fast as they could; which they did when they zipped out of the hole in the wall and out of Terrible Colt’s sight.

“Changelings?” he said to no one in particular. “You only want Bad Dude all to yourselves, don’t you? That’s why you tried to sabotage me!”

In a flurry of wing flaps, Terrible Colt shot into the air and gave chase, colliding with the wall out in the hallway and bounding off of it to give him a boost. The closest creature to him was Tic; the changeling drone narrowly avoiding a sideways lunge by his Piston Hooves. When Terrible Colt’s punch missed its intended target, another of the castle’s walls came crumbling down.

Terrible Colt swore under his breath before he went silent again. The changelings were getting away and there wasn’t much he could do to bridge the distance between them. Unless…

“Time for some pest control!” Terrible Colt snagged the silver nozzle from underneath his belt and directed it up the hallway. He cranked the settings to eleven and let it rip, blackening and scorching every inch of floor and wall in a ten meter diameter.

Toe and Tac had already rounded the next corner by the time the hall was engulfed in flames. Tic, on the other hoof, was still directly in the middle of it when the blast came and consumed him.

“One down!” Terrible Colt shouted. His lips were pulled up into a tight grin; his eyes unblinking. That was until he saw Tic had been safely concealed inside a magical pink bubble. “What? How!?”

Clearly angered, Terrible Colt re-aimed his flamethrower at the encased changeling and jolted when his device was slapped to the floor by some magical aura. Next his Piston Hooves were stripped from him much the same way.

“You are in a world of trouble, little one.” Princess Cadence stepped out into the hall and brought Terrible Colt’s two weapons to hover near her head. When she crossed Tic floating in the air, she used her horn to pop the bubble he was in, ignoring him as he went to join his brothers in the next hall. “You could’ve seriously hurt someone or even killed someone tonight. All to acquire some crown? All to join some club of super villains? What do you have to say for yourself, young colt?”

Cadence now stood directly in front of Terrible Colt—her eyes as hard as stone.

“Bite me, Princess.” Terrible Colt gave her his best stiff upper lip.

Twilight Sparkle came to stand beside Cadence. She held both of his weapons in her hooves to read from. “How odd. Says here these items are called ‘The Birthday Candle Igniter 3000’ and ‘The Ultimate Furniture Lifter’. These aren’t even weapons at all. Just poorly made gadgets.” She turned to Terrible Colt. “Your father owns that gizmo shop in Canterlot, doesn’t he? Ticking Clock? You work there, too. Mr. Clock’s Mechanical Wonder Emporium. I thought I recognized you. You’re his son: Crooked Clock. Celestia had wanted me to visit your father’s store a few months ago to see if it was up to code or not.”

Terrible Colt—Crooked Clock—made no comment. Only glared at her as if thoughts alone would be enough to set her on fire.

Twilight said more to Cadence, “Already this Bad Dude’s having a negative influence on ponies. Any sign of Shining Armor yet?”

Cadence shook her head. “No sign of Shining or any other core members of C.U.T.E.; only mid-level villains all in search of Celestia’s crown. I can see Discord now, laughing his head off at all the chaos they’re causing.”

“Any idea where the crown is now?”

“Not a clue, but thankfully the fight’s been taken outside for the most part. Now all that’s left is to roundup whoever we can and deal with them in turn. Starting with…” Smirking slightly, Cadence lowered herself to Crooked Clock’s level. “You must realize the amount of trouble you’re in, right?”

“What’re you going to do?” Clock spat. “Ground me for the rest of eternity?”

Cadence’s smirk grew. “I’ll do you one better: grounded until you’re married. Because once you’re married, you won’t have much of a life anyways. And I’ll make sure to find you a very needy partner just to make sure.”

Crooked Clock’s ears went flat. “No! I don’t wanna get married! Send me to Tartarus instead! Please! Anything but that!”

Ignoring his pleas, Cadence and Twilight escorted the little troublemaker outside.

On the rooftop across the way, Discord waved his arms around as if he were directing some invisible orchestra. Although none of them could see inside Canterlot castle to tell exactly what was going on, the noises and bangs that reverberated from within had told them enough:

That now was not a great time to be Princess Celestia.

“Has anyone kept track of the crown?” Sombra asked tiredly, his head held up with a hoof. “Is it still in the castle or has someone grabbed it already? That is the whole point of this exercise, is it not?”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Who cares? I want more mayhem and destruction! Where’s that Bizarro-Bad Dude when you need him? For all we know, he could be eating a puppy right now!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sombra replied. “Puppy meat is far too stringy to be enjoyable. And by the looks of it… Terrible Colt has already been dealt with.”

“He has?” Bad Dude followed everyone’s example by leaning over the roof to watch what was happening down below. It seemed what Sombra said had been true. Out through the castle doors marched Terrible Colt, wrapped tight in magical bonds. Leading him out was Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadence, also with Garble, Ahuizotl, and some unknown older stallion in tow. Side by side, they sat them in a row on the ground.

Out of the corner of his eye, Bad Dude noted Tic, Tac, and Toe sneaking out one of the castle’s side doors. They gave the rest of the ponies around them a wide berth.

“So who has the crown?” Chrysalis asked.

“Sunset Shimmer does.” Lightning Dust landed on the roof with a thud; one of her wings appeared to be sprained. “Unless she gave it to Starlight Glimmer or someone else already. The Elements of Harmony swarmed the castle and took out that teenage dragon and some old geezer with impeccable manners; Ahuizotl was found passed out on the castle roof and no one seems to know how he got there or why. I also heard some grumblings about Luna. I know there’s been a lot of talk about her lately—missing public appearance and whatnot—and it looks as if the rumors are true. Celestia’s herself asked her for help and Luna didn’t do squat. She must be depressed about something major this time around.”

“Luna acting moody? What a revelation!” Discord began snidely. “But as much as I appreciate the news update, just why are you bothering us and not creating a nice loud racket by going after Celestia’s crown?”

Lightning Dust shrugged. “Bonus points? Thought maybe if I gave you some specifics, I might get something in return.”

Discord’s mood seemed to brighten a bit. “You’re right! You do get something in return!” He brought back his lizard leg to kick, hitting Lightning Dust squarely in the butt and sending her sailing into the pitch-black distance. “A life lesson! Get that crown, you idiot!”

Using his horn, Sombra yanked on Discord’s tail until he collided with the roof. “What did you do that for? Something is happening in that castle and now we have no idea what that thing is!”

Discord rubbed at the part of his rump that hurt the most. “What do I care? Who wants to know everything when we can be kept in the dark instead? Does no one like good ol’ surprises anymore?”

“Then I know just what to get you for your birthday,” Sombra warned. “A knife in the kidney. You won’t even see it coming.”

“As long as there’s cake afterwards, I don’t care how many times you stab me. Cake cures all, remember?”

“Chrysalis and I are leaving. We will gather what we left at the party and return to the fortress. Tonight was nothing more than a waste of time.”

Bad Dude listened intently for another minute before he cast his fuzzy blanket aside. Now would be as good a time as any, he thought, before he dangled his legs off the roof and crawled down a drainpipe to the street.

Tirek nodded. “I concur. It is late and that half-finished novel on my bedside table will not read itself.”

Discord scoffed at that. “Your books don’t read themselves to you? How droll.” He hesitated before adding, “But since I hate talking to myself, I’ll tag along, too.”

Crooked Clock struggled against his bonds until the moment he saw Bad Dude step onto the street a good two blocks away. Trying to remain out of sight, Bad Dude traveled from one bush to the next, doing little to hide himself. But that was all right, though. No one was looking over there now. Only Crooked Clock.

When Bad Dude finally met up with the three changelings from inside the castle to lovingly embrace, it felt as if someone had replaced all of Crooked Clock’s insides with smoldering ash. He felt used. Dry and bitter and somehow both tired and enraged all at once.

He wanted to yell—to voice his distain—but instead only opened his mouth to utter a single word: “Oh.” Somehow it seemed to sum up everything he was feeling at the time.

Tick-tick-tick.

Whenever Crooked Clock had something important on the mind, he always heard that same damn ticking noise in his head.

Tick-tick-tick.

The same sound that was a constant in his father’s dusty work shop.

Tick-tick-tick.

Only this time it sounded as if it were counting down to something, but what?

Tick-tick-tick.

Until that moment he would finally show Bad Dude what real villains acted like when they were ruthlessly betrayed.

Crooked Clock felt it would only be a matter of time until such a day.

Everything was only a matter of time, was it not?

“Thank goodness you’re okay, Princess!” Twilight Sparkle began, wrapping Celestia up in a hug. “We tried to get here as fast as we could, but were tripped up by Trixie for a bit.”

“That is all right, Twilight,” Celestia said. “Everything is as it should be and the threat has been taken care of. Tonight was nothing more than a game. Discord set a bounty on my crown and they took it and left. Those that stuck around to battle it out have been taken care of and those that didn’t have already scurried away into the night. The castle has seen worse damage over the years.” She sighed. “If only I knew what they were after all along, then I could’ve saved them all some time and hoofed over my crown myself. I do have over a dozen extras tucked away in a dresser drawer.”

Twilight looked up at her. “And Shining? My brother?”

“He was not involved in tonight’s festivities, and neither was Discord or any other ‘top tier’ member of C.U.T.E. This was all some sick kind of joke, told at our expense.”

Twilight nodded solemnly. “Where’s Luna? Did she help you during the attack?”

“Actually…” Celestia took a moment to nudge Twilight and her friends a good six feet to the right, leaving most of the street empty. She continued on a bit louder than before, so even those watching from a distance could hear. “Princess Luna hasn’t been herself as of late. After Bad Dude came to see her and request the return of Nightmare Moon, she has locked herself away and barely spoken to anyone. I had hoped it would pass in a matter of weeks, but after tonight…”

“You think tonight might have crossed a line?” Cadence asked uneasily. “It could, considering how many ‘would be’ villains were in the castle only a brief while ago. During her short reign, Nightmare Moon reveled in destruction and fear. This might’ve only reminded her of that, and just how much her other personality enjoyed it.”

Garble stared at them all deadpan. “Do you really have to talk so loud? I can literally hear everything you’re saying. Sounds mighty personal, too. Just letting you know.”

“Thank you, Garble,” Celestia said with a smile, “but this conversation has run its course. Following this very sentence—and if nothing peculiar happens immediately following this very sentence—I will return to my sister and together we shall finally put this whole Nightmare Moon business to rest.”

Celestia paused to glance around the area for a moment. She pursed her lips.

“I said: together we shall put this whole Nightmare Moon business to rest!”

A rich cackle filled the air, echoing throughout the streets. Overhead, the clouds covering the moon dissipated, illuminating the night with a haunting glow. The air became thick and silent; up until the top two floors of Canterlot castle were blown outwards, raining thousands of shards of glass onto the spot Twilight and her friends had occupied moments before Celestia had moved them.

“Look! Nightmare Moon!” Celestia held a hoof towards the sky.

“Where?” Rarity squinted her eyes to try and see. “It’s so dark, I can’t see anything.”

“Oh, wait. She hasn’t left the castle yet.”

All eyes turned upwards as the fully formed Nightmare Moon shot into the sky, her mad cackle continuing to reverberate all over Canterlot. Before she spoke, a single lightning bolt erupted behind her, momentarily casting her thin figure in a darkened silhouette.

“Fools!” Nightmare Moon spoke—her voice the combination of two voices speaking at once. “You all call yourselves villains? Bah! There has only ever been one true villain in Equestria! And her name is Nightmare Moon! And tonight… she rises again!”

Nightmare Moon stopped cackling for a moment to readjust her helmet. Then she began cackling again.

Discord kicked open the doors to the building they’d used to host their party in. Since they were last there, chairs and tables had been overturned and the one punch bowl they had used had been dropped and smashed. Bits of confetti blew across the empty dance floor. The blaring music had all but stopped and the DJ they’d kidnapped earlier was nowhere to be found.

“There better be some brownie squares left!” Discord fumed. It was clear he was more than disappointed by the evening’s eventual outcome. “As if not a single one of them could nab Celestia’s crown! What a bunch of buffoons!”

“You mean this crown?”

Discord and the others turned to the voice and froze. In a darkened corner of the room sat Nightmare Moon on a throne of her own creation: part couch, part table, and part stack of pizza boxes. Below both of her forelegs sat Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer, visibly shaken. Nightmare Moon ran a hoof along the tops of their manes. Celestia’s shimmering golden crown sat tilted on her head.

Chrysalis got over her fright and snorted. “Get lost, Luna. There’s not a chance in Tartarus you’re really Nightmare Moon. Everyone knows you’re too chockfull of friendship for that anymore.”

Nightmare Moon flashed her some fangs. “Yes, it is true. Luna had a taste of true friendship… and she found it rather lacking overall. There is a freedom to the art of villainy, wouldn’t you say?”

Sombra took a glance at the clock on the wall. It was still five minutes to midnight. “So you stole the crown from those two unicorns and now expect us to just let you side with us? As easy as that?”

“Yes,” Nightmare Moon answered coolly. “Were those not the rules set in place? These two unicorns have been most helpful: giving me the crown; telling me about this place and the game you’ve set in motion. Leave us, girls.” She gave both Sunset and Starlight a small shove so they would rise to their hooves. Without prodding, they both trotted for the doors and out of sight.

Sombra was about to say more to her, but was halted when Bad Dude entered the building and his eyes grew as large as the full moon currently outside.

“Nightmare Moon!?” He quickly ditched his changeling friends by the door and leapt onto her lap, wrapping his tiny forelegs around her middle. As Sombra bared his teeth in clear disgust, Nightmare Moon only stroked the top of Bad Dude’s head with a smirk. “This is the best thing ever!” Bad Dude’s words were mostly muffled while his face was pressed tight against her armor plate.

Sombra felt a tap on his shoulder and looked. Discord was attempting to get Chrysalis’ and his attention.

He spoke softly, “There’s a sixty-forty chance that Luna is only pretending to be Nightmare Moon in order to get close to us. That means we can’t trust her.”

“Obviously,” Sombra replied.

Discord held up a claw. “And yet this is still a win-win for us. Option one: she’s really Nightmare Moon and we have ourselves a new and rather talented member. Option two: she’s still Luna, but pretending to be Nightmare Moon. All that means is that as long as she keeps up the charade, we still have her all to ourselves. What this also means is we can make her do a bunch of stuff that she doesn’t want to do… because she’ll have to now.”

“And if it all blows up in our face?” Chrysalis asked.

Discord waved a hand. “Doesn’t matter to me—still had chaos.”

Grumbling, Sombra and Chrysalis faced Nightmare Moon again, who was currently regaling Bad Dude with the exciting story about when she nobly tried vanquishing her own arrogant sister.

“I still have a bad feeling about this,” Chrysalis finally spoke.

Sombra shut his eyes. “Obviously.”

Author's Notes:

Glad that's over with. Should be entering a moment of calm again. As slice-of-life as I can get. (Which isn't very much. )

Wanted to have more scenes involving Garble, Sunset, Starlight, and others but found this section overlong already. Plus, I think this story is more about dialogue and scenarios than action set-pieces.

"Quest For The Crown" in a single sentence: "That Terrible Colt/Crooked Clock sure is weird. Oh, hey, Nightmare Moon. Took long enough."

The Night Is Dark And Full Of Flying Unicorns

Nightmare Moon stood up from her makeshift throne and took a single step in the other villains’ direction. A sly smirk was held firm on her lips… until it softened into a grimace and she glanced down at her foreleg. While she wasn’t looking, Bad Dude had latched his entire body around her. Again and again he rubbed his small face into her fur; almost as if continually reassuring himself that she was physically there and whole.

“Nightmare Moon… so awesome… Nightmare Moon… I can’t believe it…”

Bad Dude kept his eyes shut and his voice little more than a whisper.

Nightmare Moon furrowed her brows and gave her leg a small shake. Bad Dude didn’t budge a single inch. She looked at the rest of the villains in the room. “What is he doing?”

Sombra snorted. “I would not worry yourself too much about that, Luna.”

“Nightmare Moon!” she spat back. “Princess Luna is gone and buried.”

“That is still to be seen,” Sombra replied evenly, before returning to her original query. “Bad Dude has a terrible tendency of becoming overly excited every time a new villain decides to join our little group. Namely: he hugs the poor soul until he tires himself out and eventually releases them.” He flicked his glowing pupils in Chrysalis’ direction. “You passed out when he did that to you, didn’t you, dear?”

“Bad Dude had me around the neck for forty minutes straight.” Chrysalis absently rubbed at the area around her throat. “It was only when my children pried him off that I could breathe properly again.”

Unperturbed by the facts at hoof, Nightmare Moon gave her besieged leg another hearty shake.

Bad Dude slid down less than an inch. “Nightmare Moon… she’s here and she’s so cool… Nightmare Moon… I’m gonna need more black and blue drawing pencils for sure now…”

Suddenly, Nightmare Moon gasped and looked down again. Bad Dude’s three changeling friends had joined alongside him, each laying claim to a single one of her limbs. The three of them copied Bad Dude’s mannerisms move for move.

“And what about them?” she asked.

Chrysalis casually waved a hoof. “My children are only mimicking Bad Dude. It’s one of their favorite games to play with him. They look up to him in a way. Which is actually rather silly once you think about it… them being taller than him and all.”

Nightmare Moon gritted her teeth. “This is most undignified. The great Nightmare Moon is not merely some foalsitter for grabby little children. She is—”

“Not Nightmare Moon at all?” Discord questioned snidely. “Instead Luna in terrible disguise?”

“As I said before, the weak and frail mare known as Luna is gone,” Nightmare Moon said. “She could see full well the changing of the tide and decided to change along with it. Soon the heroes of Equestria will be overwhelmed and the darkness held at bay will again be free to spread and coerce each and every pony in the land. And Nightmare Moon wishes to be a part of that—to spread her own brand of darkness for all to witness and to be consumed by.” A faint blush rose on her cheeks. “She also wishes for a throne much larger than her sister’s… like three times larger, in fact.”

Discord’s eyes rolled around loosely in his skull. “Now you’re just being silly, Luna Moon. A throne that large wouldn’t even be comfortable anymore. But onto more important items at hand… or hoof… or whatever.” He crossed both arms behind his back and started strolling across the room. “It should come as little surprise that none of us believe you are actually who you say you are. A tad convenient wouldn’t you agree? That the Coalition of United Terrible Evils sets up a competition to find its latest member and you end up being the one to get the invite? Luna who is also Nightmare Moon; Luna who is also sister to Celestia; Luna who is also good friends with the Elements of Harmony and proud protector of the realm.”

For a small moment, Bad Dude’s quiet snores underneath Nightmare Moon pulled at their attention. How he’d managed to fall asleep and remain locked onto her leg was anyone’s guess. Tic, Tac, and Toe copied him almost instantly, nodding off as well.

Nightmare Moon curled a lip at Discord. “As if you are one to talk, Discord. Or should I refer to you with your most well-known title: Discord the Traitor?”

Behind Discord, Tirek’s heavily lined face looked up expectantly. Discord, meanwhile, smiled so thinly it was as if his lips had completely disappeared from his face. “Is that how we’re going to proceed? Really?”

Nightmare Moon nodded. “I see no reason to be civil or polite to any of you this night; I am a villain, after all, and hurt feelings mean next to nothing to me. Your group has power and I want to be a part of that power, simple as that. And if that means proving to you all that I am who I say I am, then I will do just that.” She narrowed her dark eyes at Discord. “You were bad and then you were good. Then you were bad again and once again good. And now you’re an honest to Celestia real ‘villain’ again? I had no idea creatures other than fish could flip and flop around so much.” She barked out a single laugh and stared at the rest of them. “If there is anyone here whose allegiance should be up for debate, it should be his. For all we know he could merely be corralling every villain in the land to stuff inside Princess Celestia’s Villain Reformer 3000 Machine.”

Sombra leveled a hoof at her. “A-ha! I knew that fat white cow was working on a villain reforming machine!”

Chrysalis gave him a reassuring pat on the back. “I believe she was only being sarcastic, Sombra. I’m sure we would’ve heard the screams by now if such a machine existed.”

“You want to tango, Little Miss Moon Pie? Is that it?” Discord cracked his knuckles as he glared at her. His nostrils flared and batches of bright fire erupted in the empty sockets where his eyeballs should’ve been. “Trying to discredit me in front of my own team? Trying to turn them all against me!?”

The room was quieted when someone began clapping dryly. Tirek, sluggishly, moved to the center of the room to stand between the two fuming parties. There he stopped clapping. “Nicely done, Nightmare Moon… Luna… whoever you want to be at the moment. But as an ageing centaur with a great need for this group at the present time, I simply cannot allow you to sully its good name so soon. You were not there when the Crystal Empire fell. You were not there the day that Discord and the rest of us laid waste to it.” His weathered eyes went from Discord to Nightmare Moon and back. “If Discord was truly a spy in our ranks—which would be rather hard to believe, considering how badly he’d want to share that juicy nugget of information with anyone that would stop and listen—then I doubt he would be allowed back into Celestia’s good graces after what he did there. Or what he allowed to happen there. If Discord was still good, he would’ve put a stop to us all long ago. Or how they say: have spilt the beans long before today. Of this, I am sure.”

Tirek flinched when Discord laid his claws on his shoulder.

“Tirek’s right,” Discord said. “So—”

That was when his eyes opened wide and he violently vomited onto the floor. A minute or so later, when the contents of his stomach had all been left out on display, he stood back up with a groan and hastily wiped at his mouth. Two thin trails of blood now ran from his nostrils to his chin.

“Sorry about that,” Discord said tiredly. “My body must’ve rebelled against me once I agreed with something Tirek had said. With luck it shouldn’t happen again.” He smirked at Nightmare Moon. “Nice try. What else you got?”

“Him.” Lifting her leg up, Nightmare Moon held the slumbering Bad Dude up into the air as if he were some secret weapon. “He believes I am who I say I am.”

Discord grunted. “Bad Dude still believes Starswirl the Bearded gives out toys to everyone on Hearth’s Warming Eve. He’d be your best friend if you simply gave him a cookie!” He giggled underneath his breath. “Did you know that’s actually how the two of us first met?”

“Enough!” Sombra roared, hurriedly silencing the room. In the blink of an eye he dissipated into dark smoke and reformed himself less than an inch away from Nightmare Moon, holding his hoof out to her. “If you are truly who you say you are, then you’ll be able to complete my test without fail. You see my hoof?”

Nightmare Moon raised a sharp brow. “Yes…”

“Give it the official villains’ hoofshake, then. If you are truly one of us, then it should be no problem for you.”

Nightmare Moon opened her mouth to laugh, but halted once she noted the stern and expressionless faces of everyone in the room. Even Discord—normally the most vivid of the bunch—held a stare so grave it was as if he’d suddenly been marched before a unicorn firing squad.

“Official villains’ hoofshake?” Nightmare Moon repeated softly.

Sombra nodded with a smile. “We all know it. Don’t you? All villains know it, from the very worst to the very best.”

“Seriously?” Nightmare Moon hissed, so that only Sombra would hear.

He only continued to smile.

Nightmare Moon sighed, and slowly, tentatively, she held out her own hoof—the one still gripped by the peacefully slumbering Bad Dude—and quickly tapped it against his.

“Well done,” Sombra spoke. “You have passed the test.”

“Seriou—” Nightmare Moon began again, before Chrysalis flew next to Sombra with a grin.

She held a single cupcake out to her, one of the leftovers from the party. “Care for a snack? It has been a rather… adventurous evening, has it not?”

Nightmare Moon waved the treat away. “The Nightmare needs no nourishment from you. She is fueled by pure hatred and envy! Wrath and despair! As well as the bowl of chips and dip she had less than twenty minutes ago!”

Chrysalis and Sombra exchanged glances, and Chrysalis told her, “Very well, you are now two for two. All villains must watch their figures and must therefore turn down even the sweetest of desserts. Can’t very well ask for a five minute breather in the middle of a heated battle, can we?” She paused. “Well, Discord eats whatever he pleases, but Discord doesn’t really play by most conventional rules.”

Discord lifted a fist toward the ceiling. “That’s right! I eat sweets whenever I want, darn it! No matter what anyone says!” He held a hand up to his mouth as if admitting some nasty secret. “The trick is sending all the food I eat directly into the stomachs of ponies trying to lose weight. I stay neat and trim while they have no idea why their health shakes aren’t working!”

Nightmare Moon put a hoof to her temple and gave her head a shake. “None of you are how I imagined you’d be.”

“How true.” Chrysalis wrapped a foreleg around Sombra’s neck. “The history books describe King Sombra as someone rather cold and ruthless, but the truth is that he’s actually rather cold and ruthless… and the smallest bit cute once you warm him up a bit.” She gave Sombra’s temple a small kiss, never taking her eyes off Nightmare Moon. Then she mouthed the words so don’t try anything or I’ll feed you to my hive so only she would see.

Nightmare Moon only smiled in return and said not a word.

When Bad Dude finally fell away from Nightmare Moon’s leg, all of them peered to the floor. A moment later, Tic, Tac, and Toe did the same, snoring and snoozing and appearing overall peaceful. It was a cute sight, Nightmare Moon found; an odd sight, too, given the present company in the room.

“Time for bed,” Discord announced.

Shining Armor’s mouth popped open the moment Nightmare Moon entered through the mouth of Discord’s flying fortress. What followed his mouth in a downwards direction next were his shoulders and his head, and eventually the contents of his stomach. Lastly his knees buckled underneath him and he found himself thinly spread out along the cold stone floor. He couldn’t have gotten back to his hooves if he’d wanted to. He felt completely and utterly gutted in that moment.

As he walked past him Discord stepped onto his back, making him wheeze. “Shining must’ve deflated while we were out,” he remarked. “Anyone know where that extra air pump went?”

In the middle of the fortress’ foyer, Nightmare Moon came to a sudden stop and held a hoof to her muzzle. “Shining Armor?”

Somehow hearing Nightmare Moon speak his name brought Shining Armor back to his hooves. At first the sight of her had made him sad—another of the good guys being swayed to the side of evil?—but now he only felt mad. Also angry and pissed off and… and… and too mad to even ponder up another term to describe himself with!

Shining shoved a hoof into Nightmare Moon’s chest. “Really? Really?” he trumpeted. “You were back for… what? A couple years at best and now you’re already going all Nightmare Moon on us? Again?” He tapped on her chest plate angrily. “You still felt neglected? Was that it? How!? Ponies freaking love you, Luna! You know how many foals dress up as you for Nightmare Night? Dress up as Princess Luna and not Nightmare Moon?”

Nightmare Moon frowned heavily and shoved his leg away. “I believe you’re oversimplifying things.”

“Am I really, though?” Shining’s eyes bugged out from his head as he continued to rant. “Misunderstood? Neglected? Is that what brought this relapse on? You know how many times Cadence and I invited you over for dinner? Or to the Crystal Empire for a nice getaway weekend? It was you that never showed up, Luna! We had the guest bed made and everything! Got in your favorite breakfast cereal, too!”

Nightmare Moon pursed her lips. “Luna was… busy at the time. I’m sure she regrets—”

Now Shining was literally pacing around the foyer, one hoof raised high above his head as if that somehow acted as a visual exclamation point to aid in his speech. “I know what this is about! I know exactly what this is about! You got sick of ruling, didn’t you? You spend a thousand years on the moon doing next to nothing, and the moment you return, Celestia has you cleaning up all of Equestria’s bureaucratic nonsense! Now instead of slaying dragons, you’re slaying mountains of paperwork! Now no Discord’s to get stoned! Now no new foreign lands to discover, either!”

“Isn’t it Twilight Sprinkle that does all that stuff now?” Chrysalis murmured to Sombra.

“Sparkle!” Shining corrected sharply.

Chrysalis grinned. “I know what I said, sweetie.”

Shining continued, “You just think that since the Elements took your old job, you’d go right where the action is! What better way to shake things up than by turning into a villain again, right? Isn’t that exactly what this is?” A bead of sweat rolled down his face. His cheeks flushed crimson. “Well, you know what, Nightmare Moon? I’m gonna tell you something that I’ve never said to anyone before—something so mean and terrible I hope it haunts you for the rest of your days!”

He stormed across the room and stopped only when his snout bumped into hers.

“I think you suck and I don’t like you anymore.”

Nightmare Moon gave him a half-smile. “Is that so?”

“It is.”

She turned away from him, and found Bad Dude curled up atop Tirek’s back, using his cape as both a blanket and a pillow. She met Tirek’s gaze. “I don’t wish for Bad Dude to see what happens next. Take him somewhere where he won’t disturb us.”

“It is late enough already,” Tirek replied. “Bad Dude should’ve been back in bed long ago. I’ll see he gets there.” Then he exited the room with Bad Dude in tow.

Shining Armor’s lips flipped uncontrollably between a smile and a grimace. He gulped dryly. “What are you going to do to me?”

“For insulting Nightmare Moon like you have?” the villainess spoke to him delicately. “How about I show you the moon? All of it? I know it must be rather full this evening, and I’d just hate to have you miss out on it.”

Behind Nightmare Moon, Discord swiftly ran out from the room as fast as his thin legs would carry him. “I need popcorn!” he shouted back. “Right this instant! Something interesting is about to happen! Don’t do anything until I get back, okay?”

The cool wind on the fortress’ roof whipped Shining’s long mane around his head. He quivered out a breath and watched as his hooves trembled on his lap. Underneath him was the basket to the catapult the Coalition used to loft heavy objects into the sky to blast to bits with their magic. Now it appeared as if they’d planned on firing him out into the night air instead.

“I take back what I said!” Shining yelped. “I don’t think you suck! In fact, I think you’re cool now! Super cool!”

“That’s nice.” Nightmare Moon flashed her fangs at him; the light from the full moon above making them glint in the pitch-black dark. Her hoof rested on the catapult’s only lever. “But a little late, I’m afraid.”

By the lip of the roof, Chrysalis growled deep in her throat. “We’re not really going to let this happen, are we? Shining’s our hostage. We were going to do things with him! Ransom or something of the sort!”

Sombra laughed happily beside her. “As much as I had wanted to torture the imbecilic Prince myself, I can’t help but find death by catapult most hilarious. It’s almost like throwing smelly trash away. I approve wholeheartedly.”

A thin arm wrapped around Sombra’s side. With his other hand, Discord stuffed as much fresh popcorn into his mouth as he could fit in there before he choked. “For once, I agree with King Crystal Method here. This is fun! We should’ve shot Shining off the roof ages ago! I wonder how many flips he’ll do before he lands.” Then he laughed and ate another handful of popcorn. “Think he’ll be able to see his house from here?”

“But… but…” Chrysalis muttered. “What about my unicorn sandwich?”

Sombra looked at her uneasily. “Your what?”

Nightmare Moon stomped a hoof against the roof. “Enough talk! It has been too long since Equestria has feared the likes of Nightmare Moon! But not after tonight!”

That was when Nightmare Moon leaned forward and whispered three short sentences into Shining’s ear. In the midst of his loud blubbering, Shining suddenly ceased and took a second to study her. Then he blinked and went back to his continued sobs.

“Scream for me, Prince!”

Nightmare Moon yanked on the lever and the basket to the catapult shot up and ejected Shining Armor faster than anyone’s eyes could follow. As he screamed and went plot over tea kettle again and again into the darkened night sky (his flailing silhouette momentarily overlapping the perfectly white moon), Discord counted on his fingers each and every time he completed a flip. Regretfully, he lost count after a full thirty-two rotations.

“Oh, those screams bring me back,” Chrysalis spoke dreamily. “You know I almost married that unicorn?”

“We know, we know,” Discord replied dryly, “but sadly he’s now married to the ground. And from what I understand, they’re in a rather committed relationship.” He waited for someone to laugh. “Get it? Because he smashed into the Earth and died? Because he won’t have anymore relationships afterward on account of being so dead? Anyone? Anyone at all?”

No one on the roof answered him. Chrysalis and Sombra seemed too occupied at the time.

Nightmare Moon took her hoof off the lever with a sigh.

“All this murder has made me famished. What is the food situation in this place?”

Author's Notes:

I can't think of anything mildly interesting to write here. Hmm. How's everyone doing? Read any good books lately? I'm re-reading Clive Barker's "The Thief Of Always" at the moment. Haven't read that one since I was a kid. Still good. Very much like "Coraline".

Blah, blah, blah. Words, words, words. Guest staring Nightmare Moon. Voiced by Tilda Swinton. Why not.

Cold Showers And Even Colder Milkshakes

During his longwinded trip across the black expanse of sky, Shining Armor found himself with an awful lot of time to ponder and speculate, as well as shriek and scream as loud as his vocal cords would allow.

“Ahhhgghghsldskdkdskkkslll!” he shouted clearly into the crisp night air.

Meanwhile, in his head, he thought about the three sentences that Nightmare Moon had told him in complete confidence before hurtling him upwards: “Have a great flight. Tell Celestia that the Nightmare has been planted. Stay dead.”

Shining found he was at a loss for how to properly react to such bewildering statements. Half of him wanted to believe in the obvious—that Luna was only faking it and that this latest Nightmare Moon was nothing more than a hoax to help snuff out their current villain problem—but another, far greater, part of him wanted to give into the notion that Nightmare Moon was truly back and completely willing to drop innocent unicorns out of the sky with no parachute to aid them.

Shining would have to think on that. And scream a bit more while he did.

“Ghhhejjeorskksllfew!”

The ground below was hurriedly rising to come greet him; the lush green grass and trees several miles outside of Canterlot becoming closer and closer. It was clear no net had been erected to catch him; no giant balloon to ease his speedy drop; merely solid and life-ending ground all around.

When the Earth finally came into focus, Shining halted his screams and instead crossed both forelegs over his chest. He wasn’t even scared of death anymore. Rather, he was mad at it. What a stupid way to go, he reflected morosely. Shot out of a flipping catapult? I highly doubt a bronze statue is waiting for my corpse somewhere in its future. And if it is, they’ll more than likely base it off that stupid picture they took of me in mid-sneeze. How did everyone manage to get a copy of that, anyways? So not only will I be dead, but I’ll be forever remembered as that stallion with the terrible sneezing statue he got after being shot out of a catapult. Oh, joy! What a talking point I’ll become!

Shining had been so deep in thought that he hadn’t even noticed his descent slowing; not even realizing the pair of hooves digging deep underneath his forelegs.

“Hey, Shiny,” Twilight Sparkle greeted him warmly. “Nice night for a flight?”

He did a double-take. “Twilight! You… you saved me!” Then his shoulders slumped. “Again.”

Twilight happily nodded. “Yep! Fourth time this quarter. I take it you saw Nightmare Moon a short while ago?”

“You mean Princess Luna? Yeah, I did.”

“Any messages she left you with?”

He nodded. “A few. For some reason she told me to stay dead.”

Twilight chuckled uneasily. “Well, it would help if you did. Stay dead, I mean.”

Suddenly, he had a terrible feeling in his gut. “Wha—” was all he got out, before his little sister let go of him still several dozen meters above Canterlot’s very hard ground.

She called to him tentatively, “Continued yelling would be most appreciated, Shiny!”

The next time Shining opened his eyes all he could see was a bright wash of pink. His chest had trouble rising, almost as if something was pressed up tight against it. Yet it felt like a warm thing that was against him—a fuzzy thing. A rather familiar thing, too.

“Cadence?” he said, running a hoof through his wife’s mane.

He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there, but Shining found himself sitting upright on a chair in one of Canterlot castle’s empty rooms. The windows had all been blocked by thick drapes, cancelling out the worst of the early morning’s burning sun.

While Shining had been sleeping, Cadence must’ve entered the room and curled herself around him, burying her head into the crook of his neck. Perhaps she was only making sure he wouldn’t randomly disappear on her again.

She stirred by the sound of his voice, and gave him a trio of delicate kisses along his jaw line. “I’ve missed you so much you wouldn’t believe it. Our bed’s been so cold without you. I’ve been so cold without you.”

He ran a hoof along her back. “It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m back and I’m not planning on going anywhere this time. I’ve changed my mind since the Empire attack. Twilight and her friends can take care of things. I’ll happily play the house husband. As long as I got some music playing, I don’t even mind dusting.”

Cadence pulled away from him, her eyes shimmering faintly. She wiped at them with a hoof. “I know this will seem like an odd question after everything you’ve been through, but… what was it like? What horrors did they put you through? Tell me and I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make you right again. Hoof screws? Water boarding? Lackluster puppet shows?”

Shaking his head, Shining went on to say, “Nothing like that, actually, although I’m sure Sombra would’ve gotten to some of those eventually. In fact…” What he planned on telling her next gave him pause. He anxiously chewed on his tongue. “It was strange… they were sort of like a family—a disgusting, vile, and degenerate family, yes—but a family all the same. When they weren’t talking about hurting others or planning their upcoming move, they were just… normal. Or as normal as any grand group of villains can become.”

Cadence pursed her lips. “And Bad Dude? What of him? Is he under their control as we thought he was?”

Shining snorted. “No, if anything, it’s the other members of the group that are under his control.” He smirked as a few pleasant memories came back to him. “Bad Dude’s cute, Cadence. He’s sweet and a completely normal colt underneath that silly cape of his. I even helped him with some of his school projects when there wasn’t much going on around their base: arts and crafts, mathematics, a history project on the Wonderbolts.”

“Did he happen to mention which school he attended?”

He shook his head and sighed. “Afraid not. And, sadly, having spent so much time in their base won’t help us either. I was kept in some sort of enormous floating fortress that Discord had constructed: one that moves every half-hour or so and that’s hard to spot. Even harder to take down, probably.” He laughed again as an absurd thought came to mind. “This may sound weird, but I almost wish you would’ve given me another couple of days inside of C.U.T.E’s clutches.”

Cadence raised a well-plucked brow. “And why’s that?”

“Because I was still browsing around in Bad Dude’s comic book collection, and the last issue I’d read, the heroes were finally about to finish off the villains for good. Now I have no idea what happens next.”

A light smirk wormed its way onto Cadence’s lips. “Sounds as if you really did become fond of Bad Dude during your time as his captive. What’s that term again? Stockhoof syndrome? Has all this time around cute little colts got you thinking about children again?”

Shining returned the grin. “If they were as adorable as Bad Dude… or half as cute as you…”

He left his sentence unfinished as he put both forelegs behind Cadence’s back. In return, she slid her back legs and rump across his chair so she was sitting directly atop of Shining’s lap. She raised another brow as she gave her hips a quick wiggle.

“I’ve been waiting so long for this,” Shining cooed softly.

“And you’ll just have to wait a bit more!”

The doors to the room slammed inward as Twilight, Celestia, and the other Elements of Harmony strolled across the threshold. In Twilight’s aura was a floating quill and scroll.

“Damn it,” Shining and Cadence hissed out together. While Cadence climbed off of him, Shining flooded his mind with thoughts of cold showers and long boring games of hoofball. When he felt more or less like himself again, he left his chair to stand with the rest of them.

He instantly pointed at Twilight. “You dropped me!”

“I had to make everything look real, didn’t I? None of this works unless you hit the ground at some point.” Twilight hadn’t raised her head from her scroll. She was adding more notes and small diagrams to every inch of the parchment she could. “Remember what I said, Shiny? You’re dead now. So we need to keep it that way.”

Shining angrily blew a stray strand of mane from his eyes. “Well, I’m calling baloney on that! If I was dead and this happened to be the afterlife, then I’m more than certain I’d still be in that chair over there with Cadence doing…”

He stopped as all eyes in the room (besides Twilight’s) found his and stayed there.

“… tests on that chair’s structural foundation,” he finished lamely. “Can it hold two adult ponies? Who knows? Let’s find out!”

In the corner of the room was a thick desk that Princess Celestia slid behind. Using her horn, she shoved all useless papers and junk away to leave it bare. Her brows furrowed. “If you are standing here, Shining Armor, then that can only mean that my sister is with C.U.T.E as we speak. Is this correct?”

Shining nodded.

“What did she say to you?”

“Other than that she wanted to kill me? She said that the Nightmare has been planted.”

Celestia sighed. “So she has made it into their inner sanctum.”

Shining took a step toward her. “Care to explain to me just what’s going on here? I think I deserve a straight answer after being held captive for so long. And then almost killed.”

She nodded glumly. “Yes, I guess you do.” She used her horn to shut all doors to the room, and locked them. “As I’m sure you’ve ventured for yourself, Shining, that was not Nightmare Moon that you saw last evening, but rather my sister in disguise.”

“I think most everyone thought that,” Shining told her bluntly.

“I hope for your sake that that is not entirely true.” Celestia flashed him a very faint smile. “This afternoon, news will be arriving to every corner of Equestria that the noble Prince Shining Armor has been slain by none other than the wicked Nightmare Moon, who has returned to wreak havoc alongside the other villains within C.U.T.E. Three things will hopefully occur because of this: first, the world will mourn the loss of Twilight Sparkle’s only brother and Princess Cadence’s dearly beloved husband; then, the world will come to fear the name of Nightmare Moon once more; and, lastly, it will give my sister some much needed credit in the hearts and minds of Discord, Sombra, Chrysalis, and Tirek.”

“And what about Bad Dude?” Cadence asked.

“He was the one to first ask Luna to join his group, so I doubt he’ll try to dig underneath her guise like the rest of them will.” Celestia set her sights back on Shining. “That means you need to play dead, Shining, and remain that way. At least until Operation Luna Pretends To Be Nightmare Moon Again To Free Shining Armor And Dismantle The Coalition From Within is complete.”

Shining swallowed dryly. “First off: that project name’s just terrible.”

“What’s wrong with O.L.P.T.B.N.M.A.T.F.S.A.A.D.T.C.F.W?”

“Everything, but regardless…” Shining nibbled on his lower lip. “That means they’ll be having a funeral for me, doesn’t it? A real one? Do my parents need to think I’m dead?”

Celestia shook her head. “They have both been well informed of the situation and will start practicing their tears of woe shortly. Above all else, we have to make sure this is done correctly and without error. So that means at this very moment, Shining Armor, you are Equestria’s most largely guarded secret. And I intend to keep you that way.”

Shining looked away from her then, attempting to properly process everything he’d just been told. Eventually he looked at her again. “Well, obviously I’m on board; anything to bring those villains to justice. But what is Luna’s plan in all this? How is she expecting to take them all out by herself? Unless there’s something I’m not getting here.”

On her desk, Celestia rested a foreleg and placed her chin upon it. “And that is where your answers stop, I’m afraid. Every one of us felt it necessary to inform you of your passing and all that would be involved surrounding that, but anything more must be kept from you.”

Shining grimaced. “Why’s that?”

“Because we cannot be entirely sure that you were not hypnotized or tainted during your time spent as their captive. For all we know, you may actually be working for the Coalition without even knowing you’re doing so. Reports of a Shadow Shield have reached—”

“But I was forced to do that!” Shining blurted out.

“Nevertheless,” Celestia said calmly, “a series of tests will be administered—all very standard tests, I promise—so we can verify that you are still one hundred percent Shining Armor and nothing more.”

Before Shining could add anything further, someone’s hoof fell to his shoulder.

Twilight Sparkle said gleefully, “Ready to science it up, big brother?”

No, Shining thought miserably.

As Sweet Glaze was busy paying at the counter with his back to them, Sweetie Belle slid up beside Glass Slipper at their table to closely admire her sparkling mane and tail.

“How do you get it like that?” she asked. “Do all crystal ponies buy some special shampoo I don’t know about?”

Glass Slipper playfully flicked at her hair. “I think crystal ponies are just born with it. I know some ponies don’t like the whole sparkly thing, but—”

“Really?” Apple Bloom exclaimed suddenly, seated at the same table as them along with Scootaloo. “I reckon it’s awesome! I wish I could sparkle like that every once in a while!”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “You really mean that, Apple Bloom, or are you only saying that because Glass Slipper decided to become our friend and not Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon’s?”

Apple Bloom waved a hoof indignantly. “Diamond Tiara has enough sparkly things, Scootaloo. And Glass Slipper’s free to be friends with whoever she wants to.” She paused. “As long as those friends are us, of course.”

The four of them laughed at that. Then Glass Slipper’s cheeks reddened a tad. “Can I let you three in on something sort of strange that happened last night?”

“You mean besides Nightmare Moon coming back for no good reason at all?” Scootaloo said.

Glass Slipper shook her head. “No, not that. I mean… it was late last night when it happened… up in Sweet Glaze’s room…”

“Uh-huh.” Somehow Sweetie Belle scooted even closer to Glass Slipper, nudging their sides together in a chummy manner. “So something happened between you and Sweet Glaze?”

“Maybe? I dunno,” Glass Slipper explained poorly. “You see… I was fast asleep on his bed—”

“Together!?” the other three fillies at the table responded, making Glass Slipper’s blush even harder than before.

“No. No, nothing like that,” she said breathlessly. “Sweet Glaze sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag; he’d offered me the bed when my family first moved in. Anyways, sometime during the night I woke up randomly and noticed that Sweet Glaze wasn’t there anymore, so I thought to myself, ‘Oh, maybe he went downstairs to get a glass of water or something,’ but then when I sat up in bed and looked around the room, I noticed his closet door had been left open a bit.”

“Sweet Glaze does like to play in that closet of his a lot,” Sweetie Belle added helpfully.

“And just when I was about to get out of bed and check if that was him in there, it starts to open and I pretend that I’m asleep again, so as not to make things awkward. And here’s where things get kinda spooky.” Glass Slipper lowered her voice to barely above a whisper. “I don’t think the pony that came out of Sweet Glaze’s closet was Sweet Glaze at all! Their hoofsteps were too heavy, for one thing, and when I peeked out from the covers for a second, it actually looked like a creature with four legs and two arms!”

“You mean like a centaur? Like Tirek?” Apple Bloom asked.

Glass Slipper nodded. “I guess so. It was sort of dark, so I couldn’t really see everything—more of an outline, if I’m being perfectly honest. And when I didn’t hear anything for a while, I opened my eyes again and found Sweet Glaze sleeping on the floor like he always does.” She struggled to find the right words to continue. “You girls think it was just a dream? Or…?”

“It could’ve been a dream,” Sweetie Belle said, “or maybe more like a nightmare. Tirek was the one that destroyed your Crystal Empire not too long ago.”

Glass Slipper shrugged. “But what does any of that have to do with Sweet Glaze? Why would I dream about him and Tirek together and not just Tirek alone? Destroying my home all over again?”

The other three shared a quick glance. It appeared that Sweetie Belle decided to take the lead on this one, as she puffed out her chest and lifted her chin. She asked Glass Slipper delicately, “You like Sweet Glaze, right?”

Glass Slipper nodded. “Yeah. I mean he’s nice and all. And he did introduce me to you three, as well as everyone else at school. I think he’s just a little shy. He’s always saying how there aren’t that many foals that have the same hobbies as he does, and I would have to agree on that. A few days ago we played Dungeon Developer, where you each try and build the worst dungeon to hold ponies in. It was a game that Sweet Glaze made up himself. I lost pretty quick, though, because I gave out air fresheners to everyone, and he said fresh air isn’t all that common in dungeons.” She gave her head a little shake, sparkling mane included. “What did this have to do with my dream again?”

“Well,” Sweetie Belle said as smoothly as she could, “maybe this dream of yours means you actually do care about Sweet Glaze. Like… a lot!”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” Nevertheless, Glass Slipper still shoved her hair to the middle of her face to try and hide behind. “I’ve only known him since the Crystal Empire was destroyed and… and… aren’t we still a bit young for dating and all that kind of stuff?”

Without warning, Sweetie Belle slammed a hoof onto their table, causing them all to jolt. “You’re never too young for love!” she said sternly, before she clarified. “I mean, as long as there’s not a ridiculous age gap or anything like that.”

Glass Slipper opened her mouth to say more, but instantly shut it with a snap as Sweet Glaze approached their table. On his back was a circular tray loaded with various types of milkshakes and malts covered in whipped cream and cherries.

“A little help… please…” he wheezed out.

Sweetie Belle used her horn to grab some items off the tray as Apple Bloom and Scootaloo left their chairs to do the same. When the tray was clear of items, Sweet Glaze set it aside and went to go grab an extra chair.

“Why don’t you take my seat, Sweet Glaze?” Sweetie Belle asked, exiting the one right next to Glass Slipper.

With a carefree expression, Sweet Glaze did just that and climbed up. His face froze the moment his hip momentarily collided with Glass Slipper’s. He chuckled weakly. “These chairs sure are close together, eh?”

“They’re fine,” Sweetie Belle reassured him, grabbing another chair to set on the other side of the table. “All close friends should sit close to one another.”

The following minute and a half at their table was nothing more than a loud series of slurps, burps, and tinkling glasses. When everyone had finished off their icy treat, they shoved them toward the center of the table and sighed contently.

“Thanks for the shakes, Sweet Glaze,” Apple Bloom said with melted ice cream plastered around her muzzle. “But where’d you even get enough bits to pay for it all? Allowance?”

“Oh. Uh…” Sweet Glaze looked away from her and out the ice cream shop’s bay window. Across the road was a small dance studio. He spun back to her. “You know… dancing and stuff.”

Sweetie Belle furrowed her brows. “You dance, Sweet Glaze? Since when?”

“Since a few minutes ago,” he said under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Since a few months ago,” he corrected. “Yep. Let’s go with that.”

Scootaloo leaned across the table. “The three of us dance sometimes. What kind of dancing do you do? Must be a pretty good one if you have so many bits to throw around.”

“What type of dancing?” Again, Sweet Glaze’s sight slowly drifted to the shops across the road. To the right of the dance studio was a pet shop that specialized in household animals not normally found around town. All that week they were having a deal on numerous exotic animals. His eyes lit up when it finally came to him. “Exotic dancing! Yep! That’s the kind I do!”

“Really?” Sweetie Belle looked taken back by that. “My sister Rarity went to some bridal party that had that type of dancing once. What do you do at shows like those exactly?”

“Exotic things,” he tried to explain. “You know… giant rings of fire… music with odd time signatures… lions and tigers and bears.”

“Oh my!” Sweetie Belle said with a gasp. “Next time Rarity goes to one of those shows, I wanna go too!”

The other three fillies around the table agreed and left the conversation at that.

On the way out of the shop, Sweetie Belle made sure Glass Slipper walked beside Sweet Glaze and that he went out of his way to hold the door open for her. While the two of them strolled ahead, she and her friends stayed behind.

“You seem to be trying pretty darn hard to get those two together, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said with a frown.

“I’ll say,” Scootaloo added. “You really should be careful messing in other ponies’ lives. And I thought it was you that wanted to make Sweet Glaze your coltfriend? Now you want him to hook up with Glass Slipper?”

Sweetie Belle shook her head, her eyes never leaving the backs of Glass Slipper and Sweet Glaze. “I’d much rather try and pair these two together, instead. I mean, how could I not? They’re practically living together already!? And aren’t they both sort of cute in that awkward kind of way?”

After a moment of deliberation, her two friends reluctantly agreed.

“And look at it this way,” Sweetie Belle’s face broke out into a creepily wide smile, “we get them together and that brings us all one step closer to our cutie marks!” She randomly leapt into the air. “Cutie Mark Matchmake—” she started to yell, before landing back on the ground in a huff. “This is the part where we all jump into the air together, remember?”

Scootaloo rubbed at her gut. “Could we save the trademark yell and jump for later? I’m way too full for stuff like that right now.”

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “Fine. But you both better be coming to singing practice later. I wrote a whole song about us becoming pony matchmakers and fully expect you both to be in a singing and dancing mood by then.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shrugged and hurried out the door in Sweet Glaze and Glass Slipper’s direction. Under her breath, Sweetie Belle murmured, “Cutie Mark Matchmakers Go!” before giggling wickedly to herself.

This can’t possibly backfire! she thought triumphantly.

Author's Notes:

A chapter without a single villain OR Tic, Tac, or Toe appearance?

You're on thin ice, NBD! So thin, in fact, you couldn't even play a proper game of hockey on it! You stereotypical Canadian bastard...