"Woah! Wait a second, where the fuck am I?" you say, looking around the small white room you find yourself in. In front of you sits a single laptop with a headset. On the desk is a small desk light, and what looks like a fullscreened program window.

You turn around, and you're greeted with another white wall, with a steel door. You grab the door by the handle and try to pull it open. It remains firmly closed.

"Hey! HEY! Can anyone get me out of here?" you call out to the other side of the door.

A small envelope slips under the door. You tear open the envelope and pull out a small red piece of paper.

"Put on the headset and talk. Then, you're free." is written in hastily scribbled in black ink.

You look back to the laptop, and take a deep breath. Well, shit. Your world certainly chose the right fucking day to turn into a horror movie. You sit down in the small, uncomfortable wooden chair, and put on the headset. You can already hear voices on the other side.

"When do you think he's gonna get here? Do we have blog posts up?" says a female voice.

"I just did mine," says a nasally, male voice.

"Posted the thread," says another smoother male voice.

"Oh my god I need scotch," says a more bassy male voice.

"Uhm, hello?" you ask.

"Oh shit! He's here, we can get started," says the bassy voice.

"Count to ten for me?" asks the smooth voice.

"Uh," you say. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten."

"Perfect," says the smooth voice.

"Well, Anon!" says the female voice. "It's certainly good to meet you. Have you been briefed yet about us?"

"Uhm, no?"

"Oh, well shit. Uh, well-"

"I pushed the button," interrupts the smooth voice.

"Oh! WELL SHIT. Welcome to the Good Kidnappings in Equestria podcast. We have a wonderful show for you this week, we have MysteriousUtensil."

"I hit him on the head," says the female voice.

"We have MysteriousAnimu."

"Why did I have to do all the heavy lifting?" says the annoying voice.

"Orange juice," continues the bassy voice.

"Hi," says the smooth voice.

"And I'm FlappingPope. This week we have a really special guest that we didn't kidnap or hurt in the slightest, Anonymous! Anon, thank you for joining us this week."

You pause, taking a moment to feel the back of your head, and pull blood away from your hair.

"My head is bleeding," you say.

"Perfect! Now for those-"

As the FlappingPope person begins to drone on about things nobody cares about, you pause to wonder what in the hell is happening. Why are you here? What are you doing with your life? And more importantly, what does Fluttershy have to do with this?

"So, now then, Anon," the FlappingPope voice says, cutting off your train of thought. "Time for interview questions. Who are you, and what have you done for the fandom?"

"Uh, my name is on Anon. and. uh, What fandom?"

"Why the My Little Human fandom, of course!"

"Psh, implying you wouldn't want to touch hands," Utensil says.

"I'd touch y-your hands," Pope interjects.

"Gross," injects Juice. "Dat's gay."

"Next question," Pope continues, as you continue to sit awkwardly, unsure how to handle the situation you're in. "What's you're favorite part of the fandom?"

"Uh... that. uh. it exists."

"Are you assuming that the fandom is corporeal?" Animu adds.

A deafening silence rings for about a moment.

"Oh my god, Animu. Did you just?" Utensil asks.

"What?" Animu asks.

"Next question. If you had one thing to say to your fans, haters, people who are just getting into the fandom. What would you say?"

"Who the fuck are you people?" you ask.

"Perfect!" Pope says. "Then, last but not least. Who is best human?"

"Uh. Me. I'm the only human in Equestria."

"HA! Sure. You and the thousands of other humankin, buddy. Keep tellin yourself that," Utensil adds.

"Did you just assume my humankin stat-"

"Shut the fuck up, Animu. Nobody cares," Pope adds. "SO! That said. We have a set of user questions. As you all know, when we do this podcast, the users get to ask questions to our lovely guest. So, without further ado, we go to YellowQuiet123 who asks 'Is being on a podcast your fetish, Anon?'"

Then, the veil falls. And you suddenly understand everything. You're locked in this stupid fucking room until the podcast is over, and you answer every question.

"No. Podcasts arent my fetish, YellowQuiet123," you say.

"But it might be -miiine-," says Juice.

"Alrighty, now then. Off to ButterMellow420 who asks 'Is consentual oral sex being performed on you your fetish?'"

"Oh my fucking christ, how many questions like this are there?"

"DRINK!" screams the utensil.

"That's right, 'Fuck' is the drinking word. Also, all the questions are about this."

And so, over the course of two hours, you were subjicated to over 80 fetish guesses, while these stupid fucks in the call poked fun. Weirdly, that Orange Juice guy seemed to enjoy every fetish on that list. It was weird. Maybe -he- would make a good Fluttershy kink partner.

But, after you run out of questions, a tall stallion in a long black robe entered the chamber with a baseball bat. You rose from your seat as Flappingpope continued.

"Thanks for watching the Good Kidnappings Podcast. Have a great weekend."

The stallion swings the bat, and despite your attempt to duck out of the way, he collides with your head, and the world goes black.

Hours later, you awaken in your home, in your comfortable bed. The sun is shining. The day is fresh and new. You rise out of your bed with the most splitting headache. That's the last time you fucking ever go on a podcast. Especially not one that was rigged by fucking Fluttershy.