THE FOAL FREE PRESS
COMEDIAN HAY CLOPPELLE BOOED OFF STAGE IN PONYVILLE

Last night, comedian Hay Cloppelle was ended his show early during his tour stop in Ponyville, when he called up Princess Twilight Sparkle to the stage, when the crowd immediately erupted into jeering and booing.

"I came here to see a comedian, not to see Bitchpants McCrabby get up on stage and, I don't know, ask to be mounted or something. Look me in the eyes and tell me that's not what would have happened," said one attendee to our reporter after the show.

When it was clear the crowds were not going to quiet down, Cloppelle turned to the princess and said "don't worry, that's just the ponies in the 2-bit seats in back."

"Bullshit," said another attendee. "Two bit seats? Give me a fucking break. These tickets were 150 bits each. This moron is making fun of his own fans."

Cloppelle and Sparkle left the stage after four minutes of uninterrupted booing, bringing an abrupt end to the show last night.

"Fuck that royal slut," said Filthy Rich. "Cloppelle told us to make some noise, and that's exactly what we did."

Dear Equestria,

Just a friendly reminder that you don't have to have a super special somepony to enjoy Hearts and Hooves Day.

So go out, stay in, doesn't matter! Don't be above celebrating and loving yourself!

Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony!

Disclaimer: This public service announcement brought to you by the Mares For Masturbation Association.

FOAL FREE PRESS
TWILIGHT TAKES CELESTIA TO COURT OVER CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS SCANDAL

Former Princess Celestia has been summoned to Canterlot Royal Court this morning to answer for removing boxes of classified documents at the end of her millennium-long reign.

"Celestia is acting like any sensitive material she takes from the castle with her is automatically declassified. That is simply not the case, and she has to answer for her crimes." Princess Twilight Sparkle claimed at a press conference.

Celestia has put out an official response:

"Just because Princess Twilight says something is classified doesn't make it so; there's procedures to classifying something. I merely just took all the smut out of the Canterlot Castle Royal Library on my way out, because I knew if I didn't, nothing would get done when Twilight took over."

We here at the Foal Free Press are currently trying to think up any possible cons to Princess Twilight's court not getting anything done.

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Um, so do you care to explain why the fuck you teamed up with Twilight for Trivia night?

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash and Applejack

Dear Rainbow and AJ,

If you take the time to think about it, you'll realize it's all part of the plan. I already slipped Granny a few bits to rig the random drawing, guaranteeing that I'd get paired with her, and then all I have to do is suck the entire time.

We can't lose.

Sincerely,
Pinkie

Dear Pinkie,

I thought losing was the whole point of this idea.

-Rainbow and AJ

Dear Rainbow and AJ,

That's what I meant. By performing so badly so Twilight can't win, we can't lose.

...Yeah, when I say it like that, I need a drink.

-Pinkie

Dear Sunburst,

Just what the hell are you doing here? You aren't taking advantage of this spare time to fuck Starlight?

Sincerely,
Twilight

To: Twilight

That's exactly what I said!

-Starlight

And a 21-month hiatus (for actual episode parodies) ends out of the freaking blue.

Thanks for reading after all this time. Let's see if I can maybe finally finish this thing.