Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

First published 7th of June, 2012

Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized and faithful student, is being sent to Ponyville to learn about the magic of friendship.

And she's not happy about it.

Hear what Celestia has to say back! Check out the spinoff:
Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student by keaton-furman-prower

Still want more? Have a multiverse spinoff by MixMassBasher, my contributing writer for Seasons 5-8.
Letters From Across the Disgruntled Multiverse

Editing by Neko Majin C.

Disclaimer:
The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

Friendship is Magic, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friendship is Magic: Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so let me get this straight. My parents are paying top dollar for this school, and now because you think I'm too much of a bookworm who doesn't spend enough time with others, you're specifically sending me to some backwater town to check on your party preparations?

Especially when I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough that could save Equestria from Nightmare Moon. But no, that can wait. I have a celebration to get ready and friends to make! Screw the fate of Equestria.

And not spending any time with others? Please. I'm your PERSONAL protege, and you gave me this tower for studying! So you pretty much isolated me, and then blame me for not making any friends? Yeah, that makes a lot of fucking sense.

Okay, upon arriving in Ponyville, I immediately noticed the drug problem. Why? A pink pony who shrieked upon seeing me and then took off. All I said was hello. She's gotta be high on something. After that, your meal planner tried to give me an eating disorder. After that, I had to listen to birds sing and the conductor couldn't even look me in the eye. And seriously, birds? That's your fanfare? You raise the fucking sun for crying out loud. Get a rock band.

After that, we got to meet this egotistical bitch Rainbow Dash who apparently likes procrastinating until the last minute for one of the most important holidays of the year. And what's more, she messed up my mane. Now I'm pissed. I work on my mane for 30 minutes every morning.

After that, this dragon you keep on sending along got a hard-on for your decorator. I mean, why her? Does nopony find ME sexy? Once you go purple you never go back!

Oh joy, it's the drugged up pink pony again, and just when I was looking forward to relaxing, she decides to throw a party in the LIBRARY of all places, and invite everypony in the whole fucking town! What? Did the whole town shut down to welcome me? Fuck this, I'm going to bed.

Your pissed student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Notes:

November 2013 Update: Automatic Jack's Voicemail Edition

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGzLL8R9qaY

Friendship is Magic, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friendship is Magic: Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh, would you look at that. Nightmare Moon came back! If only we knew! Oh, wait, I knew. Now she's covered the whole damn place in night. Your Royal Guards couldn't even stop her. Speaking of them, where the hell is my brother? He's the captain of the Royal Guard, and he doesn't show up for the Summer Sun Celebration? Must have been having sex with somepony. I think he was doing that with my old foal sitter too. Every time he got home, she'd put a book in front of me and then sneak off with him.

So as I'm going back to the library to try and make up for lost time, these other five follow me, like they think I need their help or something. Whoever the last librarian was didn't have a damn clue. While the druggie found the reference guide to the Elements of Harmony under 'E', that's NOT how you sort books in a library. Have these Ponyville simpletons not heard of the Filly Decimal System?

So because you and your sister just kind of left the most powerful magical objects known to ponydom in the forest somewhere, I guess I have to go find them. Or, rather, us. These other five won't leave me alone. They probably want to take the credit or something. But not Pinkie. I'm pretty sure she's after candy apples.

First off, we barely managed to survive a landslide, and the farm pony tried to get me to commit suicide because she couldn't lift me back up from the edge of the cliff. I thought earth ponies were supposed to be strong. Oh well. It just reaffirms that unicorns are indeed the master race.

So after the landslide, we run into this pissed off Manticore. We took a little beating, but we were about to get the best of it when that animal rights activist Fluttershy had a death wish and trotted right up to it and took the thorn out of it's foot. Stupid creature, although, I must admit, it did wonders with her hair afterwards.

After making a little more progress, Pinkie once again demonstrated the horrors of drug addiction. We ran into these freakishly scary trees, and she thought they were funny. What the fuck is she on? Not too much farther on, we ran into a gay sea serpent who was having a bad mustache day, and Rarity cut off her hideous tail to calm him down. I really don't understand why he thinks a handlebar of two different colors is a fashion statement.

After Rainbow Dash took forever tying the bridge back up to your old castle, we finally found the Super Stone Spheres of Harmony. When the five ponies finally give me some peace and quiet to find out how they work, who should show up but Nightmare Moon! I knew I could take her one on one, but your stupid elements didn't work. So I had to buy some time, and then I had the perfect idea when I heard the others come to check on me. They'd be the perfect distraction!

For I had forgotten the secret to harnessing the Elements of Harmony – a dramatic monologue! After assigning each one of these dimwits an element at random, they joined up to form the Rainbow Cannon, which surprisingly didn't kill Nightmare Moon. And then you showed up, revealing that you had used me to redeem your stupid jealous sister who doesn't know that ponies sleep during the night.

So screw it. I'm not coming back to your school. In fact, Ponyville needs me. With my help, these peasants could actually amount to something in life. I'll even write you every week, proving to you how right I am.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Notes:

January 2014 Update:
Voicemail From A Disgruntled Friendship Student: Friendship is Magic: Part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMLod8iCfwc

The Ticket Master

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Ticket Master

Dear Princess Celestia

Well, I've only been in Ponyville for a few days, and it seems that you are already getting me back for dropping out of school.

It all started when I was helping Applejack pick apples. Why, you might ask? Because she wants to turn her brother into a transvestite. He must want to do it, too. Why else would he accept a dare to wear his grandmother's underwear? So that's why I'm helping. Because I want to see a stallion in drag. I swear, that must be one screwed up family.

Then what should happen? My walking, talking, purple fax machine gets a letter from the revered Princess, inviting me plus one guest to the most popular dress-up-and-act-important event of the year, the Grand Galloping Gala, and quite frankly, there are several things wrong with this. One, these are not my friends. Getting close to acquaintances, maybe, and definitely on my list of ponies that are better than you. But not friends.

Two; there are five of them, you troll. Not one, but five. This is Ponyville. Do you think that four of them are going to want to stay here and be noponies? No. They want to be noticed, because life sucks here, so now they're going to fight over who I get to drag to this stupid party.

Oh great, they're doing me favors now. Like this is supposed to make the decision any easier. Sorry you guys, but Applejack force fed me 30 apple dishes, so I'll be taking her. Yeah, Rainbow dug a three-foot hole in a raincloud, and let everypony else get soaked during lunch, so she's going with me. Oh, Fluttershy forced her slave bunny to clean the library and make me a salad, the ticket is hers. Oh shoot, Rarity really won me over with this slutty outfit she made for me and her to whore ourselves at the Gala. But then Pinkie had to go toss me up in the air multiple times, nearly making me throw up, and then tell the entire damn town that I have these tickets.

Once I was finally back at the library, I told them all to fuck off. I knew they were going to end up blaming me no matter what, so I sent the tickets back to you. I don't want to go to this upper class par-tay anyway.

So when what do you do? Because I saw right through your little troll attempt, you send me six tickets, practically forcing us all to go. Thanks a lot. You suck.

Your non-student,
Twilight Sparkle

Applebuck Season

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Applebuck Season

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I learned that Applejack is an idiot. I mean, she's supposed to be an experienced farmer, yet she put an impossible amount of work on her plate, and thus, brought disaster after disaster onto Ponyville, while really only preventing one.

The day started with a fuckton of cows stampeding towards town. Stupid creatures, they are. I mean, come on, an entire herd startled because one of them freaked out over a snake. Just trample the damn snake. Clearly, animals startled so easily are not fit to exist. I wonder what we could do with the useless ones. I bet they're tasty.

So the town wanted to recognize AJ for saving this dump from being stampeded. It took them a week to organize this staged award ceremony. I even came up with a comedy routine, and made a list of ponies better than her, but I never got the chance because my “friends” kept interrupting me with the things Applejack promised to do with them. When Applejack finally showed up, she was practically half asleep, said a few words, and dragged that trophy back to the farm.

Following her back to ask what happened, I found out that Big Macintosh got hurt, and was unable to help with Applebuck Season. So Applejack, the Element of Honesty, honestly believes she can handle that entire orchard by herself. This ought to be good.

So I was in the middle of reading this really great erotic novel later that day when Rainbow came crashing down on my balcony, after being catapulted into the air by Applejack. What, is AJ made of dark matter or something? And I was just getting to the good part.

Later on, she helped Pinkie poison half the town. I mean, I really couldn't understand why they would let such a thing happen. Why in Equestria would they let that druggie anywhere near a kitchen? Are they crazy? No wonder half the town got sick. Those muffins were probably filled with some of her stash.

And to top things off, Fluttershy's new generation of slave bunnies got free and rampaged across town. Clearly, she needs to keep her slave population under control. I'll suggest a whip to her next time I see her.

So I guess the whole point I'm trying to make is this: Big Macintosh must be a fucking beast.

I mean, Applejack didn't even get a quarter of the orchard bucked, and Big Macintosh covers the rest? I mean damn, if we do make food out of the useless cows, we can call it the Big Mac. That would be the best sandwich ever.

Your hungry former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Griffon the Brushoff

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Griffon the Brushoff

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I learned a few things. One, Pinkie is not just a drug addict, but also an annoying, pranking bitch. I was working on a formula designed to increase the intensity of orgasms, when they swapped my ink with disappearing ink, and thus my recipe was lost. Just fucking great.

I've also learned that inter-species breeding is indeed possible, as Rainbow introduced a friend that must be the result of a lion fucking an eagle or something. She's not bad. I mean, she got easily pissed at Pinkie, so she's gotta be right in the head. She even taught that weak-willed Fluttershy a lesson when she wouldn't get out of her damn way. Who leads baby ducks right down the center of main street anyway?

So after Gilda sent her hippie drug candy cane helicopter spinning out of control, Pinkie came to me to complain. Why the hell would she think that I want to hear her jealous ranting? I encouraged her to get professional help for her addiction, but she just left all huffy, claiming she could quit anytime she wanted.

In what must have been another drug-fueled high, Pinkie decided she would get revenge by throwing her a party. With even more pranks. So, um, yeah, basically the most cold-hearted, annoying revenge ever.

As expected, Pinkie acted all innocent through the pranks, as Gilda got more and more pissed. And when she finally snapped, Rainbow revealed that it was her! Pinkie was just the one that threw the party. Someone bullies you and wrecks your helicopter. So throw them a party.

Yeah, like I said. Drugs.

And I think Rainbow could totally form an indie rock band or something.

Your former, non-druggie student,
Twilight Sparkle

Boast Busters

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Boast Busters

Dear Princess Celestia,

Apparently Spike thinks a magic mustache would greatly help his chances of boning Rarity. Well, while I have calculated that the chances of him actually scoring are slim-to-none, I cannot have a bunch of dragon-pony spawn running around, so I took it away, telling him it was just for “practice.”

So when we started walking around, we ran into two of the biggest damn idiots in town. They started claiming there was a unicorn who was more powerful than me. So somewhat skeptical, we went into the main square and WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH??? Okay, I get why they think she's all awesome; this is a town of hicks, and her show is full of flashes and shiny things. Hicks like that stuff.

But a parlor trick pony better than me? Please. Sure, she hogtied Applejack, made Rainbow Dash sick to her stomach, and gave Rarity's mane an infinitely better color, but better than me? Hardly. That just proves that unicorns are better than everyone else, and in Rarity's case, that some unicorns are better than others, and I know that I'm the best unicorn in Ponyville. In fact, just to avoid completely humiliating that cunt, I left to do my laundry. That's right, laundry. When I'm living in Equestria's nudist colony. And she believed me.

So I go back to the library and start doing a little research on how I can best show this bitch up. Meanwhile, those two bozos are tending to her every need. Maybe once I prove I'm better, they'll do that for me. As it turns out, I was just about ready before those two birth defects brought an Ursa Minor into town just so Trixie could vanquish it.

Yeah, you heard me right. She never said how she did it. She didn't say how hard it was, or if her life was in danger, just that she did it. So that's clearly good cause for bringing another one into town. How has this shithole not been destroyed?

So this sparkly care bear begins rampaging through town, and as it turns out, that preppy slut doesn't have a fucking clue what to do. She lied about fighting one on her 'travels', which I now assume are her nightly travels to the street corner. What's this? She tied two of it's fingers together? Nope. Oh, now she got it. She struck it's ass with the smallest bolt of lightning ever. Yeah, that just pissed it off. While I was hoping to one-up that whore on stage, I had to spring into action so you wouldn't have to send down your Habitat for Hicks program if this fucker destroyed this place.

So first up, I played some sappy shitty lullaby music to calm it down. Then, I broke the town's water tower and used it to give a barn of cows a happy ending. I used the cow juice to put the beast to sleep, and I levitated his fat ass back to the cave. Trixie of course told me I merely got lucky, until I told her that it was just an Ursa Minor, and she hightails it out of town.

I was hoping that by showing off like that, the other five would hate me and perhaps leave me the fuck alone now. Well, no such luck. They were impressed.

If Trixie ever comes back, I'm gonna get her in bed with me, just to show her that I'm better than her physically, mentally, and sexually. Three points, you dirty whore.

And to make sure Snips and Snails had no chance of breeding their idiocy to anypony else, I gave them enchanted mustaches, which would make them extremely repulsive to any female pony. And just to screw with him, I gave one to Spike. So perhaps the next generation will be just a tad less fucking stupid. But I'm not getting my hopes up.

Your fucking awesome former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. We need a new water tower.

Dragonshy

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dragonshy

Dear Princess Celestia,

How the hell have you not been overthrown yet?

A dragon decides to hibernate on one of the mountains near Ponyville, begins to fill the sky with smoke, and instead of sending an experienced team of guards, or expert dragon-convincers, you're sending me up there with the rest of my friends?

First off, you're not technically my teacher anymore, and the only reason I decided to do this is because I didn't want to be thrown in a dungeon in whatever place you end up banishing me to. Yeah, I'm one of the ponies who sees right through to your tyranny. Secondly, why do we have to convince him to leave? Scouts reported he was sleeping in a cave? Well, get a couple blocks of C4 and collapse the mouth to the cave. Dragon problem solved, smoke problem solved, and everypony's happy. Seriously, that's a great idea. Why isn't there any C4 left from the war?

Another thing; what is it exactly that Twilight and Friends can do that a team of guards can't. Yeah, I came up with a name for this sad little group. I'm currently working on a jingle. Tell me what you think of these lyrics:

Twilight is a unicorn
From Celestia's nation
Taking her friends up to their ends
By a dragon altercation

Yeah. So it's been nice knowing you.

Well, after convincing my friends that there's actually some chance of survival, they all went off to prepare for the journey up the mountain. Rainbow went and painted her face. Either she's partaking in a war ritual, or is hoping the dragon see's her as absolutely fabulous. Applejack packed apples for everypony's last meal. Rarity might have seen right through my lies, because she just came back with a giant hat and a saddlebag full of scarves. I guess she wants to die looking her best. I told Pinkie Pie to prepare an improvised explosive in a saddlebag. I got the idea from one of the books here in the library. It's something called “absolute jihad”. But the damn thing went off when she came out the door, and she made it out of streamers. Fluttershy came back looking like she was trying out for hoofball. And she's afraid of her own shadow. Pathetic.

Well, before we even began our ascent, Fluttershy was intimidated by how tall the mountain is. Well no fucking shit, Shershy. It IS a mountain, as Rainbow so dubiously pointed out. The dragon snored, and that just froze that quivering dumbshit up completely. As the lowest member of society in our group, I made Applejack drag her up the long way around so we would have something to sacrifice in case we had to make a run for it. I'd sacrifice Pinkie, but I need her alive, for now, and I hope her second suicide bomb works. Actually, on the other hoof, the dragon eating Pinkie might not be such a bad idea. If the bomb was properly constructed, we could detonate it once she's in him. Problem solved. And if it doesn't go off, the amount of drugs in her system might actually kill him anyway.

We met Applejack and Fluttershy halfway up the mountain, and Fluttershy came up against her next daunting obstacle; a two-foot chasm. She should just fall and get it over with. And if she doesn't die, I'll just send Applejack down to drag her up again. Then, and you're not gonna believe this; further up the mountain, a leaf falls on Fluttershy's back, and she freaks out and screams, causing an avalanche. Seriously? A fucking. Leaf. Don't worry, we all could have been crushed, but at least the leaf didn't harm Fluttershy. Am I getting hazard pay out of this? I fucking better be.

Well, at the mouth of the cave, I wasn't going to put up with any more shenanigans, so I went in alone to confront the dragon. He just blew smoke in my face and told me to piss off. Kind of the way my dad ignored me as a filly. Then Rarity tried a little slutty charm, and well, you know how slutty and charming Rarity is, so that completely fucking failed. In another one of her drug-filled highs, Pinkie tried to party with the dragon, and then Rainbow just flew in and kicked him. I swear, Rainbow has no depth to her character whatsoever.

As the dragon is about to put an end to our meaningless troll-filled lives, Pinkie must have slipped Fluttershy some crack or something, because she just completely fucking snapped. The dragon must have got some different stuff too, because he just cowered like a bitch when Fluttershy scolded him for falling asleep where he could harm other beings. Then he started to cry.

Yep, crying. Pinkie, what the fuck did you give him?

So after he flies off, we made the journey back down the mountain, and Rainbow tried to set a record for the most ball bounces off her head. And this is a seriously freaking amazing ball. You have got to check it out sometime.

Your skeptical student,
Twilight Sparkle

Look Before You Sleep

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Look Before You Sleep

Dear Princess Celestia,

I've noticed something about Rainbow Dash. She loves napping on the job. In trees. As a matter of fact, she's been laying on so many tree branches, that a group of ponies had to tear down all the loose branches before a severe thunderstorm hits. And we're having this severe thunderstorm to make up for one they missed last week. Last I checked, Rainbow runs the weather patrol around here. So they probably missed last week's rainfall because she was napping in yet another tree.

So Rarity and Applejack went and helped some non-lazy ponies take down all the loose branches that the lazy bitch had been sleeping on, before they get snapped off in the winds of this upcoming storm. But Rarity thought she had to give each and every branch a spa treatment. Even if trees, or maybe just their branches, were sentient, I doubt they'd want their leaves to look like us. Especially when one of our kind has been sleeping on them. So we have a ditz who prettifies everything and a redneck workaholic. Clearly, I knew they were going to get into a fight.

Then it starts to rain. I stood there watching for a minute or two, then I called them in. I considered leaving them to run home in the rain, but I kind of want to see if they'll fight for a few hours in a sleepover, and then we all end up sleeping with each other. I mean come on; snobby fashion designer and a simpleton who kicks trees for a living? That's bound to brew up some conflict. And from that conflict, could potentially be a very sexy night.

Thankfully, Rarity stopped Applejack from coming in with muddy hooves, or I would've had to do some bucking of my own. So how did I come up with this sleepover idea? Simple. I was rounding up the worst books for my annual book bonfire when I came across one titled Slumber 101: Everything You Wanted To Know About Sleepovers But Were Afraid to Ask. I thought to myself, 'Wow, this isn't even good enough to burn. So why not torment my 'friends' with it instead?' Frustration build up, and could be released via sexual urges!

First up was makeovers. Not so much for me, but Rarity was certainly excited about it, and I figured if we put mud masks on, that's at least five minutes that I don't have to look at Rarity's hideous face. Then, during the ghost stories, they turned their stories into how they didn't like each other. Brilliant, it was working! So I decided to fuel the flames with a little truth or dare. Rarity forced Applejack to slut herself up a bit, and in return, Rarity got all wet. When they starting yelling at each other, I knew the opportunity was at hand. It was pillow fight time. Pillow fights usually lead to sex.

Sure enough, they went into it full force, and I got the brunt of the hits, and that really started to turn me on. So I suggested that we go up to bed. I decided for them to make the first move, so I pretended to sleep.

But they wouldn't stop fighting! Soon they started shoving each other off the bed and began tug of war with the blanket. Here I was, horny underneath the covers, and they weren't making any headway. I finally had enough, and pointed out that in Slumber 101, that the most important point was fun, and I can't think of more fun than a threesome. I was just about to lay into them when the thunder and lightning got really bad. It struck a tree, and it was leaning dangerously towards the house next door.

Now me? I would've let it fall. But Applejack, all compassionate and hardworking decided to try and tether the tree, and in the process, brings the whole damn thing crashing through my window.

That absolutely killed the mood. While they managed to get the tree out of my bedroom and get everything cleaned up, I couldn't get horny again. So my sexcapades would have to wait for another night.

Maybe I'll go after Rainbow Dash. I mean, she has to be into mares. Just look at that mane.

Your sleep-deprived, sexually frustrated student,
Twilight Sparkle

Bridle Gossip

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Bridle Gossip

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I tried teaching my other friends that being different isn't necessarily wrong, but the different beings have to try their best to blend in, and as long as they don't draw unnecessary attention to themselves, the master races and lowly peasants can get along fine.

Fax Machine and I started the day walking into the market square, to find it completely deserted. Before I can figure out what's going on, Pinkie drags us both into a dark Sugarcube Corner, along with the rest of our friends. Our stupid, stupid friends. All hiding from a hooded figure out in the middle of the market. Seems their parents never told them that there are other species out there that we are inherently better than. I explained to them what a zebra is, and then Rarity kept fainting, and Pinkie sang a song that she must have come up with during one of her highs. But I must admit, it sounded a lot better than her other songs.

Applebloom decided to get a head start on chasing the unwanted creature out of town, and we went after her to make sure she wasn't kidnapped and raised the wrong way by her. Apparently, she goes by the name of Zecora, and once we chased her back into the Everfree Forest, we were satisfied. She should understand that this is Ponyville, not Ponyzebraville.

The next morning, I awoke to quite the shock; my horn had erectile dysfunction. One by one, my friends showed up, and showed us just what Zecora had done to us in the forest. In an apparent attempt to bring her culture into Ponyville, she brainwashed Rarity into styling her mane into dreadlocks. Applejack can now fulfill her micro fantasies. Strangely enough, Rainbow is flying better than ever, Pinkie's drug abuse has finally hindered her speech, and she must have injected Fluttershy with one hell of a hit of testosterone, because damn, that manly voice. Even I want to sleep with her now.

We immediately decided to go teach that meddling zebra a lesson. We formed a lynch mob and set off into the forest. Applebloom, ever the overachiever, went on ahead. After we momentarily became separated, Applejack roleplayed a micro session with Rainbow while Pinkie began beatboxing with Fluttershy rapping about a fuck shit stack or something. After crashing into Zecora's hut, we reached a compromise; she would create the remedy for the curse she put on us, and in return, we wouldn't lynch her.

She also claimed she wasn't a zegro, but an African Equestrian.

Whatever.

Your racist former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Swarm of the Century

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Swarm of the Century

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, why don't we back the fuck up here. First off, NEVER ask me to give my friendship report in person. It takes time to organize all my thoughts into presentable form. So yeah, all that shit I just spat out about stopping and listening to your friends' advice was a load of crap.

Secondly, how in the moon do you NOT know what a Parasprite is? You've ruled for over one thousand years, and you don't know what a Parasprite is. Pinkie, Ponyville's drug lord knows what a Parasprite is for crying out loud!

So I spent the day helping Ponyville get ready for a visit from you. Why? I don't know. I didn't have anything better to do. Before going to check on the bakery, I noticed that the welcome banner said Princess Celest. They ran out of room. Even more unbelievable was that they managed to spell what they could fit correctly. The town folk surpass my low expectations again.

So when I get to Sugarcube Corner, I discover that Pinkie must have had a few hits of weed, because her appetite was once again out of control, and she partially devoured the dishes being prepared for your fat flank under the guise of taste testing.

Then Fluttershy showed up with three of these really annoying fairy things. Pinkie freaked, said something about a trombone, and took off. I figured I could take one home to keep Fax Machine company while I finished cleaning up the library. First I went to show it to Rarity and Rainbow. While on the way over to the boutique, it kept on shouting at me, 'Hey!', 'Look!' and 'Listen'. Damn it was annoying. By the time I got to Carousel Boutique, it had managed to multiply, most likely through somehow having sex with itself. Rarity and Rainbow happily took one each. Little did I know I was helping spread the plague.

The next morning, they had completely infested the library. For some reason, Rarity didn't seem to have a problem with them until she discovered they multiply via projectile vomiting. Remind me to disinfect every inch of this damn place.

Once we got them all rounded up and rolling out of town, Fluttershy, in some unsurprising fit of absolute stupidity, kept one because of how cute it was. Someone teach this ditz about pest control 101 please.

To add to the unfolding disaster, the binge-and-purge spell I tried on them only caused them to start devouring the town. So the next plan was to make an exact copy of Ponyville. Every building, every store front, every rock and every tree, right down to the orange roof on Howard Hooves' outhouse. And we actually managed to do it. But then when I realized that you were already on your way, we were going to need a little more time. I raced out with my friends to try and build a hilariously out-of-place toll booth to slow you down even more, but you had beaten us to the location. That, and Pinkie managed to lure the Parasprites out of town with a one pony marching band. How she manged to play that banjo with hooves and march at the same time, I'll never know, and I'll never care. So a druggie managed to save the town. Big whoop.

So there you have it. The reason I didn't give you my report in person was because of that insanity, and I didn't want to call all my friends fucking stupid in front of them.

Your pest-controlling former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. We need building materials for half of Ponyville.

P.S.S. Don't worry, the new water tower survived.

Winter Wrap Up

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Winter Wrap Up

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned one of the most interesting things about Ponyville.

Winter only lasts one day.

Yep, you heard me right. I went to bed last night, not a flake of snow on the ground. Not even when I got up a little early to help with this annual event. But during those few hours of more sleep, BAM, white shit got everywhere. So every year after it snows, Ponyville has an annual event where they clear the snow that covers everything for one whole day. I think they call it global warming.

As you know, nothing gets a town in the mood for melting snow quite like a full length musical number. After that, we were all set to go. At first I wanted to help Rainbow gather up the birds that had flown south for one day. But I misplaced that stupid butterfly wings spell, so she had to leave without me. I went to ask Rarity if I could help making the returning birds some nests, because they totally can't do it themselves. Lazy fuckers. Spike said they could use it as an outhouse, which would be a huge improvement, since they shit on my doormat every morning.

After that, I tried skating with Pinkie. She hallucinated about being a twinkie, and then because Spike kept on messing me up, we ended up making a two pony one dragon snowman. Pinkie clearly had the lakes under control, so I went to be a second animal alarm clock for Fluttershy. Problem was, the bitch was waking up all the cute animals herself, and I was stuck with all the snakes, bats, and bees. We should have given that Filly the Exterminator show a call.

Because of those damn bees, I had to take a blood ritual bath. After that, I went over to Sweet Apple Acres, where they were clearing the snow. I envy the Everfree Forest, where the damn snow melts itself. I tried a come-to-life spell, but after my plow smacked my ass, I got distracted, and ended up causing an avalanche. That damn fax machine blamed me when the idea was his for using magic. For some reason, Rarity spent the whole damn day trying to fix my outhouse when she could have just thrown it out and continued slaving for those feathered fuckers.

As the whole town started arguing, I used a few big words to get them to shut up, and put them all to work. The nests got built, the fields plowed and seeded, the animals woken up, and Rainbow Dash's weather team got a tornado going and flung all the snow over to the next town, so it's Molestia's problem now.

Let's see that sexual deviant wrap winter up on time now.

Your organized former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Call of the Cutie

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Call of the Cutie

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I walked into Sugarcube Corner to find the place a complete fucking disaster. For some reason, Pinkie decided to have Applejack's down syndrome sister help baking some cupcakes. They looked only slightly worse than dried turds. Apparently, she's been trying to get her cutie mark. So because she took advice from one of the town's lezponies, she's trying all these random tasks in hopes of finding the one she'll be forced to endure for the rest of her life. Becoming even more desperate, she turned to me, asking me to use my magic to automatically give her a butt symbol. So what I initially tried was cart-pulling slave labor. That one faded away. I then tried Benjamin Franklin, a serial killing victim, teddy bear stuffing, and a tricycle manufacturing sweatshop employee. I tried a few more, and they all faded away. Just to screw with her, I tried a hoofball player last.

Applejack tried explaining to her that cutie marks come with time, and only when a pony discovers that special thing that makes them special. She obviously failed in doing so, but I'm not surprised, because you can't explain things to a retard. Especially earth pony retards. I mean, at least the unicorn retards are good for things like designing dresses. But you don't get too many of those because of the selective breeding laws. So only the geniuses get to screw each other. So in short, my sex life is going to be great in a few years.

In simpleton towns like Ponyville, whenever a filly figures out what the hell they're gonna do with their life, a party gets thrown for them. Most of the other party guests have cutie marks, kind of like “Hey, congratulations, what the hell took you so long?” There are a few without cutie marks, so to them, it's kind of like “Hey, what the hell is taking you so long?”

So after Applebloom failed with the turdcakes, she accidentally walked into the party that she was so adamant on not attending. So clearly, by baking cupcakes on the same day of the party in the same place as the party truly shows her efforts in not attending.

Diamond Tiara, the guest of honor at this party, clearly likes singling out those that don't have cutie marks yet, and belittling those who aren't like her. She reminds me of myself when I was that age.

Then, as I saw Applebloom and two other fillies without cutie marks talking with each other at a table, I felt a cold shiver run down my back.

This town is about to be hit by a number of disasters...I can feel it.

Your concerned former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Fall Weather Friends

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Fall Weather Friends

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I was approached by Rainbow Dash and AJ to be the mediator of a competition between them, and I have to say, I am thrilled. They have both realized that I, as a unicorn, can successfully judge which of the two lesser races is greater. So they set up a series of events that will test their strengths in everything but magic. I found something rather interesting in their strength tests. Rainbow won the hoof wrestle, but Applejack won the hoofball punt. So Rainbow's front hooves are considerably stronger than her back hooves.

So, it's pretty obvious what she does in her bed at night.

I know that two weeks ago I was telling you about wrapping up that one day of winter, and apparently, in the last fourteen days, we've gone through Spring and Summer, and I believe I now know why the seasons are so abnormal here. It's because these ponies keep on manually fucking with the ecosystem. Yeah, manually changing the seasons has really fucked mother nature up. It doesn't know what to do anymore. This is exactly why Unicorns need to run everything everywhere. When you leave it to the lesser races, they screw everything up and decide to have a race to shake the leaves off of the trees.

Apparently Applejack was a little sore about Rainbow using her wings in the competition. Imagine that. As an earth pony farmer, she can use her natural strength in the contests, but she gets pissed when Rainbow starts flying around and shit. But as a southern inbred, I guess she just wants to be better than everypony at everything. So she challenged Rainbow to race her in this tree killing spree known as the Running of the Leaves. I had enough of everypony around here being uppity, so I entered the race too. I left Spike with Pinkie to do the announcing. Because, you know, I figured it'd be hilarious. When I came to the starting line, AJ was prepping Rainbow for a bondage session, and they were extremely skeptical about my ability to participate in an athletic event, and Rainbow guessed that I learned how to race from books. Please. Rainbow couldn't figure out how to read if I shoved a rolled newspaper up her ass. She'd probably enjoy it, too. Fucking lesbian.

Throughout the race, there were several instances where I felt Pinkie's commentary to be rather...disturbing. First off, she said that she puts ketchup on her hot dogs to make them nice and slippery. What the fucking hell? Pinkie eats meat? Isn't that a crime or something? She might be gender confused too, because I'm pretty sure I heard her say something about Applejack making HIS move when she and Rainbow were trying to pull ahead of each other. I'm not sure how Spike could take it.

But their honest competition didn't last, and it wasn't too long before they were one-upping each other in an effort to get ahead. The other racers were pretty pathetic, too. I mean, after Applejack or Rainbow would trip, the entire pack would pass them, and then like nothing, they'd run up to the front again. Their cheating got downright laughable, too. Apparently maple syrup has the adhesive properties of superglue, and Applejack didn't have the brains to figure out that maybe the Running of the Leaves didn't involve running up a treeless, rocky mountain, no matter what direction that stupid sign was pointing.

Pinkie and Spike noticed how embarrassingly far behind she was, they gave her an airlift to Rainbow, who was also pathetically behind. I also love how they thought they were trying for first. Did they not see EVERYPONY else at the finish line? I mean, damn, even I took fifth place, and I didn't even fucking try. I probably could have won too if I pushed a little more. And what the hell is this medal made out of, uranium? It's 5th place. Why the hell did I get a medal?

Your athletically challenged former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Fine, I didn't push at the end. I teleported myself in between 4th and 6th place. Is that what you wanted to hear? Sheesh.

Suited For Success

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Suited For Success

Dear Princess Celestia,

Since you're forcing me and my friends to attend this stupid Canterlot party, I figured I might as well try my best to get laid while I'm there. To accomplish that, I have to get this slutty dress fixed up. Yeah, I know, it's weird. We're naked 90% of the time, and we get dressed for parties. What is this place, a nudist colony?

Rarity took one look at my dress and scoffed. She told me if I really wanted to get railed at the Gala that I'd have to go all out. So she offered to make me a new outfit, something that says 'I'm here. Screw me.' I was of course excited by this. She also decided she'd try and get the others laid, so she set out to make us all sexy outfits.

So after a few days of singing while she worked, she calls us all back to see the fruits of her labor. In terms of fruits, they were pretty rotten. I mean, yes, they were very formal, but hardly slutty enough. The other attendees had to know we were desperate to get some. Luckily, the other four felt the same way, so we threatened to slander her boutique unless she remade them. Fearing for her career, she did so, to our exact specifications, although I'm really not sure of Rainbow's 'cool' scale.

However, our plan kind of backfired. I've spent so long here in Ponyville, that I've forgotten what attractive is all about. Even the simpletons here scoffed at our dresses. So even though we promised not to, we ended up ruining Rarity's career. We managed to catnap Rarity's pet to trick her out of her room to show her the dress we put together, so she could get herself one hell of a night before searching for a new job. Since we finally knew what would get us one night stands at the gala, we convinced Hoity Toity, the fashion tycoon, another fashion show at the boutique. He was so smitten with these dresses, that he asked Rarity to supply his brothel in Canterlot with seven of each dress.

Yep, we're gettin' some come Gala time.

Your desperate, horny former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Dear Princess Celestia,

With how long she's been using and abusing, it seems Pinkie has finally taken in so much illegal substances into her bloodstream that it's somehow affected her genetic makeup. It would appear that her body now has several symptoms which allow her to predict the future. Also, Fluttershy has allowed the area's population of frogs to breed too abundantly. I'm telling you, Princess, our race has to go carnivore, it would do wonders to manage all these population issues of other species.

After she had gotten the frog horde gathered up, she thought it would be a good idea to fly them directly over town, and it was due to this ingenious course plotting that I got one frog directly to the face. After Fluttershy apologized, I suggested that she should take the frogs to the busiest part of Canterlot and perform a real life reenactment of Frogger. I mean, with how many frogs she had in that wagon, she'd have so many lives!

So after an entire morning of twitches, I kidnapped Pinkie and took her down to my super secret lab in the basement of the library. I tried taking readings of Pinkie's blood to see just how much drugs were in her system, and every single machine must have overloaded, because I didn't get any readings. After that, I discovered that Spike likes to slam doors open rather than casually open them. I proceeded to spy on Pinkie, when I was stung by bees, fell into Applejack's cellar, and why the hell does the local moving company employ retards? Of course, after all this, Pinkie reveals that she knew I was there all along. So she continued to let me follow her around while I was being injured time and again. There's a true friend for you.

Then she started having seizures. She believed it was because of a 'doozy' and not from all her drugs. So we went searching for Fluttershy at Froggy Bottom Bog. Turns out it's really not a good idea to go wandering around a swamp just because your druggie friend thinks so. Because we stumbled upon a Hydra. So instead of just Fluttershy being sacrificed for being a ditz, now we were all in danger because we listened to the psychic ramblings of an addict.

When we were nearly away from the hydra, there was an even bigger danger – getting muddy. We absolutely couldn't fall into this mud pit because then Pinkie would put alligators in all the baths we'd need. Everypony made it across safely but me. Nope, I had to slingshot off a mud bubble. And what did the doozy end up being? Me finally relenting, that Pinkie's drug-induced future-gasms are real.

Your enlightened former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
Honk.

Sonic Rainboom

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sonic Rainboom

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I decided I'm going to forget absolutely everything I learned in my physics classes, for the following reasons:

Just as I was finished cleaning up the library, Rainbow comes crashing through my window. This happened because the mach cone she was forming slingshot her backwards. Not only that, but upon impact, every single book fell from the shelves, yet the ladder managed to stay up. I even got four scrolls in my mouth. Why I'm not the target of every stallion in this town is beyond me. Secondly, the spell book I needed happened to land on Pinkie when she was knocked into the bookcase. In fact, I've slowly started to disregard physics whenever Pinkie is involved with anything.

So Rarity suggested that I find some way to be at the Best Young Flier's competition to cheer Rainbow on, and that absolutely thrilled me. It was my chance to finally get out of this cesspool of a town for a bit. Rarity volunteered to be the test subject for the wings spell in the book. It was brave of her, not knowing the effects, but I suppose, like me, she didn't want lesser ponies to have wings if this spell was too difficult to perform more than once.

Well, turns out it worked, but it took so much energy, that I couldn't preform it more than once. So I found an easier spell that lets unicorns and earth ponies walk on clouds. That way, there was at least some chance that Pinkie and Applejack would fall to amusing deaths.

Rainbow and Fluttershy seemed to be surprised. We had a few hours before the competition, so Dash took us to see how the weather is made. This tour helped me draw two conclusions. One: Cutie Marks are useless. How do ponies with basketball, hoofball, and dumbbell cutie marks end up as employees of the weather factory? Two: I've gathered further evidence that Pinkie is turning into a carnivore. I mean, she tasted the rainbow pools, and everypony knows how the rainbows are made.

Well, those cutie-mark-confused ponies kept teasing Rainbow Dash, or as they put it, Rainbow Crash which is quite the fitting name. She really is terrible at flying. I didn't realize how insecure she was, because their teasing started to get to her. All that confidence and attitude was just a mask. Rarity noticed her weakness, and decided to one-up her and enter the contest herself. Daring, I must say.

So we all went to the Cloudiseum, and found our seats. Pinkie came in with something she calls a 'foam finger'. I don't know where she got it, but that is the most freaky appendage I have ever seen in my entire life. The performances began, and young Pegasi did a variety of tricks. One even managed to press Z or R 32 times.

Rainbow and Rarity came on stage last. Rainbow looked nervous as hell, and Rarity looked like quite the whore. She went into this completely lame midair ballet routine, while Rainbow knocked herself into a cloud pillar, the side of the stadium, and lastly, tried to assassinate you with a cloud. Good job on ducking, by the way.

At the end of it all, Rarity decided to ignore all my warnings, and flew up close to the sun, and got her wings evaporated. Remarkably, she also was able to knock out three of Equestria's finest fliers too. I'm not sure how Rainbow flew fast enough to grab them all, not to mention pulling up at a 90 degree angle. But before she did, she farted a rainbow or something. Fluttershy seemed to be quite excited by it. So all in all, she won the contest, and was awarded first prize.

A threesome with the Wonderbolts. Too bad I can't join in.

Your former, still sexually frustrated former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Stare Master

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Stare Master

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I realized that kids are fucking stupid. The thing that happened was, Rarity fell way behind on her hideous dress orders, and also promised Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo a sleepover on the same night. So because you can never, ever, EVER disappoint kids, Fluttershy, the dumb bitch that she is, offered to move the sleepover to her house. You know, the house with all the unsuspecting animals.

First of all, I have no idea why Fluttershy would offer to look after these demon spawn. I mean, two of them came from the same parents as Applejack and Rarity. If that doesn't raise a red flag with her than I suppose nothing will. I was on my way to Zecora's hut in the Everfree Forest for some herbal tea, and let me tell you, that zebra makes some good shit. Drink enough of that stuff, and those freaky masks on the wall will start talking to you.

So Fluttershy gets the fillies to her house, and predictably, they immediately start wreaking havoc. She did something right by finally getting them into bed. Then she did something wrong by letting Sweetie Belle take the lullaby. Woke up half the damn block. So when she got back downstairs, she thought it was quiet...too quiet. Because fillies are supposed to make a lot of noise when they SLEEP!

Well, it turns out they didn't sleep. They sneaked out of the house to go after a chicken in the Everfree Forest. One chicken. Seriously, why can't these three idiots leave well enough alone, go back to bed, and let some creature get treated to KFC? But I suppose if they did that, they wouldn't have found me in the middle of the forest, totally stoned. Good thing the cockatrice who did that to me was a total bitch, because all it took for it to reverse the effects was Fluttershy threatening to tell it's mother. I mean, damn. Unless it's mother is some kind of pacifist super badass, she should've totally called Fluttershy's bluff. Because I'm totally not buying that “stare” nonsense.

So the next morning, Fluttershy and I got together for some tea, and Rarity comes by to ask for help with her cat. I told her to just euthanize it, but does anybody take my advice? Nooo.

That fucking chicken better be grateful that those three are degenerate idiots.

Your stoned former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Show Stoppers

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Show Stoppers

Dear Princess Celestia,

I do believe I've discovered a fatal flaw with the Cutie Mark. I mean, once you find a hobby as a kid, and get good enough at it, that's it. I suppose our kind really can't look forward to career changes. Our whole existence is one big concentration camp. Fate slaps a random tattoo on your ass, and you're forced into that type of labor for the rest of your life. And why does the Cutie Mark wait until you become aware of your talent? Being aware of your abilities takes a certain amount of brain power that Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo apparently just aren't capable of. There should come a time when a pony reaches a certain age when the cutie mark just appears. Bam, here's what you're doing for the rest of your days, get to work.

So today we've figured out they can't feed pigs, they can't work a taffy machine, they give horrendous makeovers, everypony knows the only psychic in Equestria is Pinkie, they can't scale a 10 foot boulder, and I don't even want to know why they got the idea to scuba dive. Also, do you know a good lawyer? Because if they mess up my bookshelves again, I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to them. Even the school teacher, who somehow manages to educate these ruffians, wasn't able to hammer the point home that they should focus on what they're already good at. I don't know, maybe we need an actual hammer. I know that would make me feel better. So Cheerilee suggested the talent show. I couldn't figure out whether or not she was serious, but was sure it'd be a hoot either way.

So on the night of the talent show, I immediately became afraid of the motto 'fillies are the future.' Very afraid. But it was entertaining nonetheless. Cheerilee even had an ingenious award system; give the Best Comedy medal to the worst act of the night. Well, guess who it was? Yep, the Cutie Mark Disasters. Problem is, now that they thought this medal actually meant something and not just a consolation prize, they're now going after their talent in comedy. But I doubt they'll pull off anything funnier and more horrible than a rock ballad from the neighties.

So to close, I began rummaging through some of their rejected items for the show. Apparently Sweetie Belle thought ponies had five legs, sorry, but the Apple family's inbreeding hasn't even caused that deformity yet. Also I came across the best lyrics ever. I mean, why didn't they use these? In fact, I'll finish them real quick.

With our cutie marks, we'll rock Equestria.
We use our stomachs to digestia.
I write a letter to Celestia
My fucking lyrics are the bestia!

Your lyrical former student,
Twilight Sparkle

A Dog and Pony Show

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Dog and Pony Show

Dear Princess Celestia,

Quite an interesting day today. First, Spike ran off to help Rarity gather up gems, because frankly, she's a neat, prissy little whore who doesn't want to do her own dirty work. But what's her game? I'd like to know how she's doing it. Is she seducing him? Brainwashing him? Just purposefully leading him on? Whatever it is, I'd like some tips, because he's a lazy little fucker when he's 'assisting' me in the library.

So I was hanging out with the others in town when Spike comes up to us freaking out. He takes us to where this incident occurred, and over the next few minutes, we all found ourselves outsmarted by some damn dogs. Yeah, dogs. I'm telling you, Princess, we have GOT to start cracking down on these other species. I think I remember Pinkie mentioning something about eating hot dogs during her commentary of the Running of the Leaves. She may be a drug addict, but she has some good ideas now and then.

During the initial fishing attempts (don't ask), Spike got horny again, and tried to make out with Applejack, but was flatly rejected. We actually got a bite, and got pulled into a network of caves. During our search, we started fantasizing about Rarity slaving away for these dogs, and how she's afraid of getting dirty. Did you know Rarity won't even touch mud unless it's imported? What is it about Griffon and Minotaur mud products, anyway? Maybe it's not mud at all.

Now you're not going to believe what happened next. When we finally found her, she had somehow managed to rescue herself. These 'Diamond Dogs' were cowering and annoyed, begging us to take her away. Then Rarity hooked us up to a cart of jewels each.

So all in all, today was just a big fucking waste of time where Rarity got “kidnapped” and then made us do her heavy pulling.

That stupid, beautiful, sexy cunt.

Your laboring former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Green Isn't Your Color

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Green Isn't Your Color

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so here I stand in Carousel Boutique, where I have just witnessed the greatest single revelation in my life so far. There was no way I could have possibly seen this coming at any time.

Fax Machine has a crush on Rarity.

What's more? Rarity somehow talked Fluttershy into modeling, somehow thinking she could turn her into some kind of picture perfect pony. Wow, come to think of it, that sounds like the name of a really bad song.

So, back to Fax Machine. Do you now that with a revelation of this magnitude, that it's really fucking hard to keep a secret? Luckily, I have a built-in secret-revealing detector. I call her Pinkie Pie. If you're about to tell somepony else's secret, she'll pop out of fucking nowhere.

During their first shoot, Rarity thought she could get away with dressing Fluttershy in something akin to what Elvis Ponsley would wear. You know, if he was still alive.

Upon realizing that Photo Finish wanted nothing to do with her and accept her failure, Rarity instead decided to live through her friend and convinced Fluttershy to continue modeling, even though she hated it. Which brings me to the focus of this letter: why the fuck does anypony keep secrets? Rarity and Fluttershy kept getting more and more frustrated because they wanted to keep the other one happy. So when both of them asked me to keep their secret, and voila, I had THREE secrets to keep! Pinkie even had to step up her alarms too. She even threatened to bake me into an apple pie.

I finally snapped, and decided to help Fluttershy get out of modeling. Well, not really. I just set out to make her look like a ditz, and hey, if it ended her career in modeling, I could consider that a bonus. I mean, just wait until the crowd sees her try and pick her nose with her hoof. Not to mention make her bark like the bitch she is. Seriously, I would kill for all that attention. But Rarity, wanting to continue to feed through Fluttershy's success, began cheering, and because that entire crowd liked things just because somebody else did, pretty soon the entire room was cheering.

Back in the fitting room, I then decided to do some contests with my secret keeping. First, how many hooves can I fit in my mouth? Then, how many pieces of fruit. After achieving impressive feats on both fronts, I then tried to turn myself into a plant to really freak everyone out.

But you know, with how hard it is to keep a secret, I finally blurted out Fax Machine's crush on Rarity. Then Pinkie chastised me through the dressing room mirror.

You know, I bet she's the one that's been haunting that abandoned department store on the edge of town.

Your loose-lipped former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Over A Barrel

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Over a Barrel

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, today, we have finally taken the first steps to answering the Buffalo Question. These creatures have been a drain on our livelihoods and economies for too long. So we have come up with the perfect weapon. Applejack, along with top Canterlot researchers, have created a genetically-engineered apple tree designed to infect the soil of buffalo land. For once the roots take hold, the virus spreads, and any plant in that soil that is picked and digested will proceed to make those savages sterile.

We have also come up with a brilliant cover. We have hoof-selected an elite unit of 'settler ponies' to invade buffalo territory and start a small community. Once they began planting their orchard on their traditional stampeding grounds, tensions began to rise, and I knew it was time to implement phase two. So we prepared the tree for transport, and set off on the next train to Appleloosa. But I think all the poison fumes from working in the labs have gotten to Applejack. She's talking to that damn thing like it's alive. Even gave it a name.

As you know, genocide gets me and my friends quite excited, so we stayed up half the night talking, and this kinda pissed off Spike. After he stormed off, Fluttershy expressed her wishes to be a tree, and then Rarity got angry due to her interrupted beauty sleep. The next morning, we awoke to a stampede of buffalo, who then proceeded to assault the train. Rainbow gave chase on the roof, and meanwhile, while the caboose is getting slammed back and forth, Spike is in there sleeping soundly. So he can't sleep with whispering ponies, but he can sleep through that shit? What the fuck?

After Rainbow forgot to look where she was going while flying, the buffalo actually manage to steal the apple tree. Not sure if they'd take it to their land, Pinkie activates our contingency plan: recover Rainbow, and infiltrate the buffalo society, gain their trust, and draw them into a conflict with the Appleloosans. Princess, your best ponies had been planning this for months, and so far, it was going perfect.

The rest of us arrived at Appleloosa, where Braeburn and Sheriff Silverstar were continuing to act the part of innocent settler town. After spending the rest of the afternoon and evening bringing them up to speed of the current situation, we decided to set out after Pinkie and the others in the morning. Luckily, they were successful in gaining the trust of them, and we didn't have to go looking. Chief Thunderhooves came to town for 'negotiations', and then Pinkie presented what she had specifically been tasked with.

Creating a song that could start a war. Seriously, you have to have some seriously fucked up drugs to pull that off, and she did it like it was a breeze.

We could barely manage to maintain our feigned concern when Thunderhooves delivered his ultimatum; move the orchard by high noon the next day, or they'd flatten it. As both sides prepared for war, Rainbow and Spike wisely maintained their undercover roles, and discovered that the buffalo had kept the engineered apple tree. This could be even better than what we hoped for.

Of course, at high noon the next day, the coward was about to back down and retreat his forces. We couldn't let that happen, so Pinkie let loose with her song again, and her psychological warfare was successful. The buffalo went into a rage, and one by one, they fell. Thus, we began the final stage of our plan. I launched a heavily drugged apple pie at Thunderhooves right as he was charging Silverstar, and it immediately counter-effected the song. He called off the attack, and made an agreement with the town, and returned the engineered apple tree of doom, and allowed it to be planted.

Thus begins the slow and eventual annihilation of their species. For in Equestria, only one culture is suitable. Our culture.

Sieg Hiel,
Mein Fuhrer Twilight Sparkle

A Bird In The Hoof

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Bird In The Hoof

Dear Princess Celestia,

Your pet bird is a dick.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Cutie Mark Chronicles

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Cutie Mark Chronicles

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!

Oh, sorry. I was just reminiscing about the day I got my Cutie Mark. Remember? I had been studying magic for awhile, and my parents had surprised me by signing me up for the entrance exam for your School for Gifted Unicorns. Well, you know what happened. Someone set off some kind of freaky Rainbow, triggered my untapped abilities, and you added a roof repair bill to my tuition because Fax Machine decided to get fat and punch a hole in your tower.

So today at Sugarcube Corner, I discover the three stooges are asking my friends how they got their Cutie Marks. So now, instead of discovering who they are, they're wasting time discovering who other ponies are. I've never heard of ponies that never get Cutie Marks, but damn, I think we've got three great candidates right here.

So Applejack initially hated farm life. Who knew? She took off on her own up to Manehattan to try the city life with her aunt and uncle. You would really think apples and oranges would go well together. Weird. So when she got homesick, she saw a rainbow pointing back to home. Turns out she didn't like starving herself with those binge-and-purge snobs.

Then Fluttershy shared her story of how she sucked at flying. Who would've guessed that? Also, her freefall was broken by a swarm of butterflies? Seriously? What were those things made out of, dark matter?

Then Rarity learned that her talent was gluing gems to shit and selling them to rednecks.

And apparently, Pinkie made Equestria by throwing a party in a grain silo. AFTER Equestria has been in existence for hundreds of generations. So apparently I've been living in Equestria 2: The Revenge.

The thing that ties this all together is Rainbow Dash farting a rainbow during a race in flight camp. So apparently, Rainbow Dash is the reason that I'm now living in this hellhole.

That fucking bitch.

Your screwed-by-destiny former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Scootaloo was haped.

Owl's Well That Ends Well

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Owl's Well That Ends Well

Dear Princess Celestia,

Because I've been in Ponyville for quite some time now, I've had to find more ways to entertain myself. So this time, I wanted to see what happens when Fax Machine has a jealous meltdown. I just had to wait for the right opportunity, and opportunity just happened to knock after the meteor shower in the form of an owl. He worked so hard on the picnic at the meteor shower that he slept in the next morning. He freaked when he got up. But my new assistant helped out with his chores. Because of all the hard labor and slave conditioning I've put him through, Fax Machine immediately feared of being replaced. Hey, if Owlowiscious can do a better job than him, I'll just chain him up in the basement and make him send my letters to your lazy ass.

The first step was to put Owlowiscious on an even level with Fax. So I had Rarity make another jewel-encrusted bowtie for him, like the one she made for Fax at the meteor shower. It worked perfectly.

Not only is Owlowiscious good at making other assistants jealous, he can drive that jealousy so far to drive others to vandalism! The thing is, I was planning on having him steal and destroy Opal's mouse toy just to see what would happen, but in his jealous rage, Fax Machine did it instead. I mean, how hilarious is that? Then he found a book of mine that he sneezed in. So I told him I was disappointed in him and left him to feel all alone and unloved. Hysterical, I know!

When I got back to the library later, he was gone. While at first I found it funny, I then realized that I had essentially traded free labor for free labor. What I really wanted was double the free labor, so my owl and I set off to find him. We caught up with him in a cave, about to be violated by another dragon. Imagine that, he can't even get along with his own kind.

Owlowiscious then used his Fucking Awesome Sonar power. I knew Fax Machine was too pathetic to help out, even though dragons are supposed to have great vision during the day, and even better vision at night.

Eh, what the fuck to I care? I have double the labor force now.

Your slave owning former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Party of One

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Party of One

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know, I've been here in Ponyville for quite awhile. Several months ago, you sent me here to learn all the lessons I could about the magic of friendship.

Well, I think I'm done. Yep, pretty much learned it all.

Can I come home now? Pinkie is really starting to fucking scare me.

Your frightened former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Best Night Ever

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Best Night Ever

To my most unfaithful student,

You've undergone quite the transformation. I suppose you had to study abroad for me to see just how much of a stuck up, snobby, cynical bitch you are. Seriously, where do you get off, you little cunt? Ever since you dropped out of school just to spite me, I have been slowly plotting my revenge, and now, it's time for you and your friends to fucking pay.

So, all of you are quite excited for the Grand Galloping Gala, are you? Think it's gonna be the best night ever? Think again, McBitchy Pants. You and your disrespectful miscreants are in for quite the experience, though. I think I'll save this letter until after everything's over, too.

First off, I know how thrilled Applejack is to have an apple stand in the courtyard. But she's in for a bust. I've instructed all attendees on threat of molestation to not buy a single item from her cart. Then we'll see how uppity she is. That should teach her to try and profit off of my event.

Let's see, who's next? Ah, Fluttershy, every animal's best friend. Not if I have anything to say about it. You think she had a hard time with Philomena? Hardly. She thinks the garden's animals will love and adore her. Well, one simple fear spell cast over the garden, and suddenly, the night becomes hilarious. Bam. Next.

Rarity. Apparently, she's under the impression that any floozy with looks can walk into the Gala, give some royal stallion a hard on, and become a princess. Well, in that case, I believe I will invite my nephew Blueblood to tonight's festivities. Seriously, he's an asshole. The least chivalrous prince you will ever meet. I've lost count of how many hookers he's lost, and he pays well, too. Little Miss Prissy, expecting to be waited on and honored as a proper mare, is in for quite the surprise.

Rainbow Dash? That smart-mouthed tompony lesbian that almost hit me with a cloud at the Best Young Fliers competition? It seems she thinks that she can have a meet and greet with the Wonderbolts. Even if she manages to get into the VIP section, nopony is going to leave the Wonderbolts alone long enough for them to say more than one sentence to her.

Next one up is Pinkie Pie. The wild party pony. The one who ate my fucking cupcake at the tea party. She's in for a rude awakening if she thinks this is gonna be a par-tay with balloons and streamers and dubstep. These are the snobbiest bunch of snobs that have ever snobbed. They are not going to like her attempts at that, and that should prove humorous.

So that only leaves you, Twilight. For months now, you have sassed off to me in your weekly letters, thinking you're all that. Do you know who I am, you filthy whore? I raise the fucking sun each and every morning. You are going to stand next to me the whole night, and you are not to leave my sight. You're going to greet every single pony as they enter the Gala and have a better night than you. I also understand you've been very sexually frustrated during your time in Ponyville. So I think the perfect punishment is to give you just a touch of heat back there to keep you nice and horny all night. Then when everything is said and done we're going to go to the ice cream shoppe down in the market and I'm going to treat you all to banana sundaes with laxative.

That should put you and all your ungrateful friends in line.

Your former teacher,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

P.S.
Ah, it seems the Wonderbolt Soarin' couldn't resist one of Applejack's pies. Well let's just see how he likes MY pie.

The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

You haven't gotten a letter from me in a while because I've been seething from what you did to us at the Gala. I spent the next two days doing nothing but sitting in the bathroom, you tyrant! How the hell do you stay in power? You're all nice and gentle on the outside, but I know your true colors. If that letter of yours hadn't self-burned after I finished reading it, I'd have the proof I need to show Equestria who you really are. Leaving your school was the best thing I ever did. So why do I keep writing these damn letters?

To prove, week after week, that I do not need you or your lessons. And really, you wanted revenge on me for all those letters? You know what the cause of those letters was? You sent me down here in the first place! I also love how you acted all nice in the ice cream shop as we were eating those laxative-strewn sundaes, you bitch. It was so touching how you claimed you knew we'd 'liven things up a bit'. You pulled it off beautifully, because none of my stupid friends are seeing through this charade!

And DON'T tell me that I just imagined that Gala letter of yours just because I tried some acid from Pinkie ONE TIME. Don't you dare do it. I know what happened! Do you honestly expect me to believe that disaster of a Gala was just some string of hilariously unfortunate events? That the hours upon hours of sitting on the toilet wasn't because of 'laxative', but because of Pony Joe's 'lax quality control issues'? Just because I asked Pinkie for something extra because I really wanted to enjoy myself doesn't mean you didn't purposefully make us all miserable. Yes, one of the side-effects was extreme hallucination, but nowhere on that bottle did it say taking things WAY out of context and getting imaginary letters were side effects too.

So that means STOP sending me letters suggesting that Pinkie and I get help. Just stop!

That's okay, though. If you can keep this namby-pamby pony princess gig up, then I can keep this 'friendship student' thing going too. But first, I want to have a little fun. You could call it retribution for what you did to us at the Gala. And I can do self-burning letter spells too, so good luck proving I was behind this.

Because the thing is, Celestia, my disposition aside, I was your brightest pupil, your 'most faithful student', at one point. So you of all ponies know I can do my research. I know who ruled Equestria before you and Luna. He seems like such an upbeat guy who knows how to be delightfully random. So if you kept him in the castle garden in stone form just because you believe in 'keeping your friends close and enemies closer', I'm gonna make you regret that. If Harmony turned him to stone, then chaos should soften him up a bit. Turns out I have three separate ingredients that, when combined, become one of the most glorious forms of chaos ever known to ponykind.

I call them Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo.

Miss Cheerilee seemed so enthused by my suggestion of a field trip to the Canterlot Gardens. So much history could be learned there. History could also be made there. Let's see if my theory proves true.

Success! Not even two hours after the field trip ended, I saw approaching pink clouds, which began to rain chocolate milk down on Sweet Apple Acres. That's gotta be better for the soil and crops than water, right? I mean, it made Applejack's corn pop faster than anything I've ever seen before. It's also good for the animals! It accelerated their leg growth! And Rainbow mentioned soda showers over Cloudsdale. So far, so good!

But of course, here comes the distressed Princess Celestia asking for our help. Clearly, my friends still believed that you had nothing to do with our misfortunes at the Gala, because they were ready to help. Well, except Pinkie. She was perfectly willing to live with chocolate showers from now on. But apparently Applejack doesn't like her crops harvesting by themselves, or her apples growing to be about as big as her older brother's nuts. Of course Fluttershy wants to return the animals to their helpless short-legged forms so her life can have meaning again. Rainbow doesn't want the clouds to have minds of their own, because then she's out of a job. Rarity doesn't want to wear that hideous rain gear forever now, does she? Seems Pinkie and I are the only ones that can live in chaos.

So after this Discord guy did his monologue for a few, we all set off to find the Elements of Harmony in the castle labyrinth. I figured this was the perfect way to keep things as they are, because my friends can't find their way out a paper bag. Then the chaos master himself shows up, and decides to toy with us by taking away our horns and wings, and in the case of Pinkie and Applejack...um...uh...

Yeah, have to get back to you on that.

After he explained the rules, Disccord vanished. I figured he had trouble to brew somewhere out in space. I mean, there's gotta be someone out there he can annoy, right? So we set hoof into the maze, and got immediately separated. Turns out Discord didn't go anywhere. His plan had been set in motion. I knew he would make my friends' lives better. Applejack can now tell really convincing lies. Rarity is now considering the beauty of things that aren't so fucking shiny and glittery all the time. Pinkie doesn't tolerate laughing at her addiction to drugs and partying. Fluttershy is standing up for herself and talking back now. And Rainbow...

...well, come to think of it, Rainbow's still a cheating bitch who cares only about herself. Don't know what went wrong there.

This is going to be a beautiful, new Equestria. I call it Equestria 3: Revenge of Chaos. Wait, no, that sounds too dark. Return of Chaos, yeah, that's better.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Return of Harmony, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Return of Harmony, Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Um...okay, maybe, maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I mean, I don't know where it all went wrong. My friends were so much better once Discord messed with their heads or whatever. Rarity kept on trying to keep the others away from her rock...I mean, her 'gem', while Fluttershy kept poking at it, and for some reason, Applejack was trying to hump it. But, as amusing as it was at first, it began to get a little annoying. Especially with Discord laughing in all our faces. I suppose somewhere in this mess is the lesson of being careful what you wish for. On the way back to Ponyville, Discord decided he wanted to see Ponies on Ice, and turned the dirt roads into soap. Fluttershy even began abusing Fax Machine when we all went back to the library. It would've been funny, but then Rarity forced me to break the front door with 'Tom', seriously, she's named the damn thing now, and Fluttershy then slammed the empty mop bucket down on my head. Needless to say, I was starting to get a little pissed. So I whipped out the Elements of Harmony to undo the chaos I had unleashed. Rainbow was nowhere to be seen, so I decided to see if Fax Machine could finally make himself useful for once. Discord was all like 'come at me bro', and for good reason, because our attempt was pretty useless. But I don't know why! When we used them to battle Nightmare Moon, I found these friends of mine just as annoying! What's different?

Then, something happened. Something terrible. When everypony went their separate ways, something inside snapped. I felt...regret. Loneliness. I actually felt SORRY for how I had treated everypony! What the hell is up with that?!? That's not who I am! So I go back up to the library, hoping I wasn't turning over a new leaf, and found Fax Machine regurgitating all the letters I sent to you, which can mean only one thing.

You haven't gotten a SINGLE one of these letters! He's been keeping them inside his fat ass for all these months! So essentially, I've been here for no fucking reason at all! But then, I began to read them, and again realized what I had come here for. I wanted to come here and show Ponyville how much better I was than all of them. I came here to help them live a better life through my vastly superior knowledge, to point out their flaws and turn them into new ponies. I needed my friends back to the way they were, so I can feel like myself again!

First I went to get Applejack, then me and her went and bonded with Fluttershy. Okay, okay, we tried to have a bondage session with Fluttershy. Then we finally convinced Rarity to break up with Tom. I mean, the relationship was going nowhere. We're not quite sure what happened to Pinkie, but we found her in a wagon, laughing her ass off, so we just went along with it. Last but not least was the cheating whore. After Fluttershy asked very politely for permission to rape her, we eventually caught up to her, tied her down, and restored her memories. What, you were expecting me to go somewhere else with that?

So we found Discord lobbing chocolate milk grenades, and we at last were able to clean up my mess. We gave Discord a hard-on that will, quite frankly, last forever. So you can have him back. So then you decided to throw this huge celebration for us in the throne room. I mean, damn, you'd have thought we blew up the moon or something.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
Hey Princess, I know that with the letters you returned, you were just trying to show Twilight just how much of a bitch she is, and try to change her behavior, but I have to say, it didn't really work. She thought I had kept them all along, and you didn't get a single one. So I'd say it's probably safer to let her live in her own little fantasy world, treat her friends badly and let them deal with her. I mean, why should we get involved? I'm a dragon and you're an alicorn. She's gonna die long before we do, either of natural causes or because one of her friends finally decided to shut her the fuck up. So just let her do her thing. It'll be much easier for us that way. -Spike

Lesson Zero

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Lesson Zero

Dear Princess Celestia,

First things first; please ignore that first 'Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem' letter you got from all of us, it was a ruse. Sorry, but Twilight was in the room when that one was written. So now that she's gone up to bed, the rest of us have gathered in the basement to write you our real letter.

So I guess we'll get right to the point; we are fully ready to admit that a secret war has been waged between Canterlot and Ponyville; for one single reason: Neither town wants to harbor Twilight Sparkle. We Ponyvillians sort of have the disadvantage, seeing as how Canterlot is the residence of the snobs and the gods, but we were willing to try.

We had it planned to the last detail. We bribed the Cakes to put so much damn frosting on her order of cupcakes that she would freak out, and with her attention to detail, waste time as the day began. Then, we had Spike conveniently not remind Twilight about her weekly letter to you until the very last minute. We figured this way, our motives would stay under wraps, and Twilight could go back to magic kindergarten where she belongs. Yeah, she's that immature. To keep up appearances, Spike convinced her time and again that such a possibility was preposterous. So she set out to find a friendship problem that she could solve. We figured that she would come to one of us first, so we all had our individual scenarios planned out.

First up was Rarity. Initially, we were skeptical about her planned scenario; come on, how is helping finding a lost ribbon a lesson in friendship? But Twilight was not going to get the opportunity to help. That was the goal here; everypony was going to be able to solve their own problems, so Twilight would fail her assignment, and she could get her high-and-mighty unicorn ass out of our town. Rarity also added the perfect touch; “Isn't it always in the last place you look?” That was hilarious. I have never seen anypony go “Yeah I found my ribbon but I'm still looking for it!”

We knew with Twilight, that no matter how well planned our game was, that no plan would ever fully survive her antics. So Rainbow Dash and Applejack went along with their planned barn demolition, and what does Twilight do? She goes all therapist on Rainbow! What the fuck? Did you know that she's possibly been giving unlicensed therapeutic advice? Isn't that illegal? Throw her ass in the dungeon, then she's NOPONY'S problem!

Then, she ran into Fluttershy. While pretending it was a rather extreme massage to relieve a bear's shoulder tension, it was in fact, Harry, who had come by to find out why she and Rainbow Dash hadn't arrived to house sit for him a few weeks ago. So she gave him the smackdown he deserved, because apparently he didn't hear the part about payments up front for the house sitting service. No money, no house sitting, so it wasn't their fault his place was broken into.

We had all planned a picnic for the middle of the day, so Twilight would have even more on her schedule, and even less time to find a lesson on friendship. Turns out, she's really good at wasting time even with a get-together planned. Spike told us she spent a good hour on a park bench muttering something along the lines of “my precious” or some shit.

Now came the picnic. We were all looking forward to this, as we wanted to see how our efforts had paid off thus far. To be honest, we could barely contain our glee. It was considerably difficult to keep our act together. She came to us all freaked out and anxious, and we acted all concerned up to the point where she mentioned the letter, then we just blew it off, saying she was overreacting.

By the way, did you know what was going on? Because that was a simply AWESOME troll you did with the sun. Making it tick like a clock, priceless! Spike tells us that by that point, Twilight was really beginning to lose it, as in if she can't find a friendship problem, she'd make a friendship problem. No, really? Like she hasn't been making friendship problems for the past year? She went into the meadows by the schoolhouse, and starting pestering Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, trying to get them to play with her doll. When they saw that it was just a raggedy piece of shit, they tried to get her to go away or shove it onto each other. Then Twilight had to bring magic into the picture.

Ah yes, the 'Want It Need It' spell. This truly perplexes us. Did you know how sexually frustrated she's been ever since she got here? Why the fuck wouldn't she just use the Want It Need It Spell on herself, and then just watch as she got violated by every mare and stallion in town? But no. Instead, she saves it for now, and conveniently forgot how to turn the spell off when it came time to lecture the fillies. So it slowly spread, and pretty soon the whole fucking town is fighting over this doll. Twilight manages to keep our eyes off of it long enough for the sun to go down and for you to show up and negate the spell.

By the way, Big Mac has some issues he should probably address. Seriously, that's fucked up.

So we all wanted to be there in the library for when she was sent back to kindergarten, and then you hit us with the most unexpected twist ever; not only are you going to make HER continue to write letters, but now you want US to as well?

You know Princess, we really, REALLY fucking hate to admit it, but Twilight has a point. You are a troll. I mean here we were, about to get Twilight out of town, and then you make us do the same useless thing she's been doing. Do you know what that means? There are six of us in this sorry little group. Which means there is a 16.6% chance that we'd have to write a letter about her. Kinda...kinda like we did just now. Heh, who knew?

But at least you said to report the findings on the magic of friendship only when we discover them. So I think we can all agree that it may be awhile before you get another letter from any of us. Because, face it, as long as Twilight's here, it's only going to continue going downhill.

Your faithful subjects,
Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Flutershy, Rainbow Dash, and Spike

Luna Eclipsed

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Luna Eclipsed

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hey, here's a question for you, Princess. Do you have any fucking clue how to be a good sister? From what I experienced tonight, I'd say Applejack and Rarity are better sisters than you, and believe me, that's saying A LOT.

So Nightmare Night has rolled around again, and unfortunately, Spike talked me out of giving out Slim Jims, so I'm just handing out regular candy. I also found it interesting that Granny Smith was watching over three fillies, yet none of them was her grandchild. My costume this year is Star Swirl the Bearded, the unicorn I'm not afraid to admit puts my fine ass to shame. Of course, none of these simpletons knew who he was. Kinda pissed me off, because these rows were hoof-stitched. Yeah, that's right didn't even use my magic to sew, and...I'm not really sure why.

So we all gathered around the stage so our clown of a mayor could introduce our resident zegro, who took us out to the Nightmare Moon statue. For a few moments, I began to wonder if it was the real Nightmare Moon, since, you know, you love turning villains into stone then putting them on display. We were in the middle of giving our sacrifice to the statue when a chariot descends from the night sky, with none other than the Princess of the Night. So of course they run in fright.

The rest of the night was a demonstration of how little to nothing you've done to bring your sister up to speed.

First and foremost, I can't believe you didn't tell her that you stopped using the Thu'um like 900 years ago. Because it turns out, ponies don't like being screamed at. Which one was she using, Storm Call? Because lightning began flashing whenever she opened her damn mouth.

Secondly, whenever she wasn't shouting, her dialogue was in this old time English. I mean, seriously, what the hell have you been doing for the past year? Snickering behind her back, going “Oh it's gonna be so hilarious when she goes out in public again.”

Apparently, “fun” was only invented 998 years ago, because Luna didn't have a clue what it was. To be honest, it wasn't too fun for me either. What's so fun about throwing fake spiders onto a web and launching pumpkins that aren't aimed at any other ponies or buildings? Come on.

But Luna knew how to spice things up. She turned the plush spiders into real spiders, and caused the whole town to go into a panic. Now THIS was Nightmare Night. I'm also curious as to why Pinkie was leading the fillies around making them think that Luna was a carnivore. So basically it was a carnivore making fillies afraid of somepony who really isn't a carnivore. This place never ceases to amaze me. Especially because the fillies run around town WANTING to be scared all night. Oh well. Small price to pay for free candy. Luna's much more fun and enjoyable than you.

Your ungrateful whelp,
Twilight Sparkle

Sisterhooves Social

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sisterhooves Social

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I thought I'd surprise Rarity with breakfast in bed and a visit from her parents. (And apparently it's my fault for ruining the surprise for believing the house was on fire. Then she seemed offended that I wouldn't let her help because she nearly burned the house down the first time.) Our mom and dad were going on vacation, so they were dropping me off at Rarity's for a week. We were both preoccupied with squeezing activities into our schedule that we didn't notice the carriage mom and dad left in crash and burn.

So I tried to help out around the house (she should really learn to HELP, and not fuck everything up) but Rarity just seemed to not be satisfied with anything I did. I mean, she wants me to clean up the kitchen, but DOESN'T want me to clean her inspiration room, calling the mess “organized chaos” (yeah, so it was kinda cool when Discord ruled for a few days. I mean, come on, he made me horny for a rock, so I like to remind myself of that chaos. How else do you suggest I do that? Collect seven different colored gems?).

So after all these mishaps, Rarity sent me outside for a few hours, (actually, I kicked her out and told her to find somewhere else to live.) Applebloom showed me a flyer that she was littering around town for the Sisterhooves Social, and thought it would be a great idea for Rarity and me to participate. I came back (after I told her not to) and showed her, and she shot me down. So I told her to fuck off and I went back to Sweet Apple Acres to help them with chores and get ready for tomorrow's festivities.

While I was there, I realized Applebloom was quite excellent at belching. While I watched Applejack and her do the farm chores, I'm sure Rarity was busy making outfits for Ponyville's whores. (Actually, that's correct. I was making five separate outfits, each one a separate color. Some of my clients were having an orgy with Rainbow Dash, and that's what she requested.) It was quite a fun day with some ponies that were more rustic. (When I realized that I didn't have someone to fetch things for me, I decided to go get Sweetie Belle back. Besides, if Twilight has a helper, I deserve one too. By the way, sorry about swearing in your name about never being sisterless again. After all, I know you're not the best person to swear sister issues to. Seeing as you were...um, sisterless for a millenium. But when I got to their campfire, Sweetie Belle had disowned me.)

(So because I wasn't going to be replaced with a bunch of ruffians, I needed to get dirty and reduce myself to their simple ways for just a day.) So the next day, I was ready to watch the race, when Applejack and Applebloom decided to let me have AJ as my sister for a day. For only 2000 bits, too! What a deal! (Applejack and I had secretly decided to collaborate to get Sweetie Belle out of her hair and back into my boutique. I was kinda surprised Sweetie Belle didn't notice the difference, because, you know, our eyes take up 60% of our face.) I was amazed we got away with cheating with the egg. Instead of carrying one each, we balanced one between the two. But we jumped too early, so we didn't win. But then I realized why. I was racing with Rarity. So of course half of my team sucked.

Your loyal subjects,
Sweetie Belle (and Rarity)

P.S. We were pretty caught up in the heat of the race, but now that we think of it, Granny Smith should really get that eye looked at.

The Cutie Pox

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Cutie Pox

Dear Princess Celestia,

Would anyone care to tell me why Ponyville has a bowling alley? While we're on the subject, who the flying fuck invented this sport? Shove a ball down a lane and try to hit as many pins as you can. I guess that would seem sort of entertaining to unicorns, except not a single one used their magic!

Sweetie Belle, following the tradition of every degenerate unicorn in the building, tried using her head to bowl in the wrong way. Are we sure Scootaloo isn't pretending to be a Pegasus, and is in fact an earth pony? She kicked that ball so fucking hard it ricocheted off of three surfaces before going all the way across to the other side of the alley. I haven't even seen Applejack buck anything that hard. Last but not least, Apple Bloom tried using her mouth to bowl. Yeah. Well, if she can do that, she won't get a bowling cutie mark, but I know a great way she can make some extra bits on the side. Hint hint.

Oh yeah, you read that right, a few ponies in this town have bowling cutie marks. Well, guess what you get to do for the rest of your days! Have a nice life, you poor bastards. After Apple Bloom witnessed another pony get chained to this hobby for life, she gets all depressed after just one turn. Yeah, you don't have to practice or anything, you stupid cunt, you were just supposed to be instantly good at it.

You know, that just cracks me the fuck up. After all the stupid, brainless, and sometimes, downright dangerous things they've done, NOW she gets depressed. And nothing cheered her up, either. Not a cupcake, not a party, not even one of Rarity's giant hats. You'd think that just maybe, she'd look inwards, and discover that she has to focus on what she's already good at. But no, she wanders off into the Everfree Forest, trips over a root, and runs into our resident zigger.

For the record, I blame that witch for everything that happened today. She took Apple Bloom back to her hut to fix her chipped tooth. Again, mistake #1: Taking Apple Bloom to a hut filled with potion ingredients. It's a good thing that she doesn't share her tooth-healing potions, or make a business out of it. She'd ruin every dentist in town. Colgate would have a hayday. So after that, does she kick Apple Bloom out and send her on her way? No. Mistake #2: Letting Apple Bloom stay in the hut. So after taking a look around, Apple Bloom thinks Zecora can make a potion to give her a cutie mark. Now, at this point, if I were Zecora, I'd have seen the disaster coming from a mile away. But no, she runs out to get a missing ingredient. Again, mistake #3: LEAVING Apple Bloom ALONE in what is essentially an ALCHEMIST HUT.

Apple Bloom shows up for school with a cutie mark! After wowing the class with her amazing hip rotary skills, another cutie mark appears. Instead of listening to Diamond Tiara and calling bullshit, Cheerilee gives the class to Apple Bloom, and she leads them on a parade through town, performing all sorts of circus freak tricks. Well, at least I discovered something new about Fax Machine. It doesn't have to BE Rarity to give him a hard on, it just has to LOOK LIKE Rarity.

I'm not sure what happened next, but early the next morning, Applejack comes to the library with Apple Bloom, who is now sporting three cutie marks. Doing a little searching around medical journals, I discovered a great way to give someone the trots. This is gonna be an entertaining weekend. Oh, and I also discovered Apple Bloom has an ancient disease with no treatment. Coincidentally, the Cutie Mark Cunt is in a conundrum with no cure and I don't care. Say THAT three times fast, you fucking dragon.

More and more cutie marks appear at an increasing rate. Pretty soon she starts speaking in Fancy. Better than her sister always speaking in Git R Done, if you ask me. Knowing that only a black-magic practicing freak could help out, we went to get Zecora, who just happened to be coming into town, when I explicitly told her to stay out. What the fuck, can she not listen? She told us about the missing Heart's Desire, and brought a plant that would only grow when somepony tells the truth. So let's see, as the Element of Honesty, Applejack can't tell the truth herself, so instead yells at the town to get someone else to do it. Pinkie can't admit the true scale of her binging and purging, so finally Apple Bloom admits to poisoning herself into a mega-talented state. The admittance causes the flower to grow, and upon her eating it, her marks disappeared. Personally, I would've liked to see what would've happened if it kept getting worse.

After ALL of this bullshit, she learns her lesson. For about ten fucking seconds. Then the three of them go chasing after Zecora to become potion makers. While I would like to see if they inadvertently create a meth lab, I've got better things to do.

Like styling my hair with a loopty-hoop and making Fax Machine my sex slave.

Your about-to-be-satisfied former student,
Twilight Sparkle

May The Best Pet Win

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

May The Best Pet Win

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh, would you look at that. Rainbow Dash has apparently figured out that no one likes her, so now she wants a pet to give her unconditional love. Maybe if she stopped being such a cunt and started working on her shitty personality, she could actually make some real friends. But no, she's taking the easy way out and getting a pet. What's worse is she's getting a pet for companionship. Fuck that. I mean, I have an owl to fetch things for me when Fax Machine is being a dick. Fluttershy always has a bunny nearby for emergency Friendship Fires. Applejack has a dog to piss on the cherished belongings of those that make her owner angry. Rarity's cat probably has the best personality out of the bunch, and when Pinkie Pie's alligator grows it's teeth, nopony is gonna screw with her anymore.

So Fluttershy takes Rainbow to her concentration camp, and shows her the best slaves she can get. After breaking into song, and getting the idea for a competition to see which would have the honor of serving this bitch of a Pegasus, Fluttershy took the opportunity to make fun of Rainbow yet again, and entered a turtle into the competition......well I'm gonna call it a fucking TURTLE, Fluttershy. Shut your whore mouth. By the way, don't write that, Fax Machine.

Deciding to humor Fluttershy and letting the turtle into the competition, the contests start, and the various pets demonstrate how well they can worship the ground she walks on. I can't understand why she even made the flamingo a finalist. Maybe because it was hot pink and fabulous and obviously gay like she is. After contests of bitchyness, hipster, and lesbianness, it was time for a death race through Ghastly Gorge. Either she'd figured that the most worthy pet would survive, or she'd grown tired of this idea and was hoping that they'd all die in the race. Well, turns out, if you fly distracted, shit is going to happen. Rainbow got a wing caught in an avalanche, and about four hours later, the turtle comes and saves the day. And it was only about halfway through the race. So we were waiting for four more hours at the finish line, kinda hoping that Rainbow had died somewhere in the gorge. It turns out, we aren't that lucky.

So whoopdy-fuckin'-doo, she decides to keep the turtle – SHUT UP FLUTTERSHY! - names it Tank and straps a helicopter blade to it's shell. You know what you have there? You don't have something cool, you have a fucking TURTLE with a helicopter blade on it! If I were her I'd just train it to retract into it's shell and then toss it at ponies I don't like. I heard if you paint it red it'll home in on the closest pony, and if you paint it blue and put spikes on it, it'll automatically home in on the pony that is succeeding the most in life. Now that's a weapon.

By the way, what the fuck is a 'tank' anyway?

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.- FINE! You want to know why I'm bitchier than usual? I forced Spike to rail me for an HOUR last night, and I still couldn't get off! What the fuck??? He's a baby dragon, that's why his fucking dick is so small!

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that it's not okay to have your fifteen minutes of fame. If you enjoy said fifteen minutes of fame, you'll only get six minutes, and your friends will steal the rest.

It also goes to show that if my ego gets too big, my friends won't pull me aside and talk to me directly; instead opting to one-up my feats of heroism. Jerks.

One last lesson; Scootaloo is really fucking shallow. I mean, seriously, the organizer of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club is so smitten with this mysterious heroine that she completely forgets about the pony she idolizes the most.

Anyway, I think I'm done with this hero business. It'll be interesting to see how many ponies die in freak accidents now.

Your super-ultra-extreme-awesomazing subject,
Rainbow Dash

P.S.- Pfft. Right. Like she would've listened to us if we took her aside and suggested she be more modest. We're not idiots. -Twilight

P.P.S- Did Rainbow kiss me for that photo? I knew she was gay! -AJ

Sweet and Elite

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sweet and Elite

Dear Princess Celestia,

Breaking news! Rarity cares more about social status than friends! I mean, that completely and utterly shocks me! She's actually showing signs of a true and proper unicorn! She's beginning to care more about her self image more than spending time with her simple Ponyville friends! So I thought I'd try to really make her get a taste of social superiority and I sent her up to Canterlot. You're still renting out your private tower, right? The one with the retarded unicorn bellhop who doesn't use his magic to carry luggage? At least I hope Rarity doesn't accidentally discover your foot fetish.

Anyways, I have a birthday coming up, and Rarity told me she'd make me a dress when she was away. This was brilliant. She would be making something that could potentially make me more sexy, and at the same time, she'd have a day or two away from this hellhole. So I told her to make it as slutty as possible. Because I need a stallion, not some lame-ass baby dragon who can't seem to do anything right, not even get their mistress off.

So a couple days later, I get a letter from Rarity informing me that her cat is sick and that she wouldn't be able to come back in time for my party. What, so because her cat is sick, she can't make the 2-hour train ride back to Ponyville? Bullshit, she didn't finish my dress, that's what it's got to be. I told Pinkie of the change in plans, and we moved the party up to Canterlot. Upon our arrival, Rarity fainted. When she came to, Fluttershy immediately took care of her wet pussy, while I confirmed that Rarity had made me a quite simple dress. Simple. Practical. Something that definitely says “fuck me please.” Oh, and Pinkie demonstrated that she had another use for balloons other than smuggling drugs.

Moving down to the ballroom, Pinkie busts out her Party Cannon and starts spraying confetti and shit everywhere. Never before have I seen Rarity disappear so frequently. Rainbow Dash started a food fight with my birthday cake, so we all proceeded to gang up on her and lick the cake off her body. Totally hot.

When Rarity came back with a croquet mallet, we were all a little confused. It didn't take us too long to figured out that she was also attending the garden party right outside. I must admit, that is very unicorn of her. I wouldn't expect her to put a friend's birthday above social status. But seeing as how I've been living in Ponyville for over a year now, we did what Ponyville rednecks do best: crash it.

I especially love how all the garden animals that were scared to death of Fluttershy a few months ago are now flocking to her. But what really pisses me off is these high-rolling ponies didn't have a clue who any of us were. Yeah, we're just the ponies that FUCKING SAVED EQUESTRIA TWICE!

And last of all, I couldn't help but notice that Fancy Pants, in fact, wears no pants.

Your sexy former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Secret of My Excess

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Secret of My Excess

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, today is Fax Machine's birthday. He really hasn't gotten any bigger, or any better at his job, but, I guess a party or something will help with his self esteem. I know my friends are way better than I am at giving two shits about other ponies' feelings, so I'll invite them over. I just can't believe he got a kiss from Rarity because of some stupid gem. Do you know how long I've been trying to get a kiss from Rarity?

Well, the next day, the party decorations had been set up, and the other party guests had arrived. Spike seemed surprised that the others brought him presents, and reflected on that he always only got one present from me every year; a book. Yeah, that's right. This year it's 100 Tips To Improve Sexual Performance. Yeah, and Fax Machine, I don't care how you feel about it, because quite frankly, I don't like you. Consider asking the others on how to be more competent with the chores I give you and I won't have a reason to hate you. I still won't like you, unless you start being likeable. And fuckable.

So when the Cakes made him a special cupcake for his birthday, he went and ate it. Then Cheerilee gave him a hat. And I am now convinced that hats make him evil. Remember what he did to Opal's toy mouse when he put that top hat on? Yeah. Except now, he's not making a poorly thought-out murder scene, he's just going to go on a greed spree. After I told him to go give it back, he went and got even more things. By the next morning, he had grown substantially. I took him to the doctor and got the following diagnosis: apparently, he's a dragon. Well no shit, and I'm a super sexy, ultra horny unicorn who can't get off, what's your point?

So that gave me an idea. If I can make Fax Machine grow enough, his girth might be enough to finally satisfy me. So he immediately proceeds to raid Zecora's hut, tried to rob a child of a prized possession, and then hoarded half the books in my library. I thought that might be enough, so I followed him to Sweet Apple Acres and tied myself to a tree in hopes of getting raped. Even Applejack tried to get in on the fun. But he just passed us by. Even Rainbow didn't want a piece of this ass. What the hell? So it was time to up the ante. I raced to Sugarcube Corner to cover myself in whipped cream, but he had beaten us there too, and Pinkie was throwing cake at him. I don't understand why she didn't use any of Apple Bloom's cupcakes; those things could cause some serious damage.

He grew to enormous size and took the roof off of the building. So now that my sexcapade is now responsible for a rampaging dragon, I was drawing a blank on what to do next. I got pretty annoyed when Spike captured Rarity and began to take her up to the mountain top to violate her. Maybe he'd be open to a threesome...wait...no wait...no don't look at Rarity, don't let go of your greed ahhhhh FUCK! Now he's back to his scrawny baby self. Damn. Damn it all to hell. I'm never going to get any. I don't even understand why Rainbow and Fluttershy bothered to save them.

But Fax Machine was just as unlucky. He didn't get any either. We both have to work on our sex lives. We have got to learn to get off one way or another. Otherwise, before you know it, we'll be sitting in the basement of the library, unable to satisfy anyone, pre-reading fanfiction for a blog about cartoon mythological creatures.

Your aggravated student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. By the way, we need another water tower.

Hearth's Warming Eve

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hearth's Warming Eve

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, it's that time of year again. The Hearth's Warming Eve pageant. The grand old tale of how this nation of ours was founded. And what's more, you want me and my friends to play the lead parts. Of how three separate nations came together in a time of crisis and we all benefited as a result.

You know what, I'm gonna level with you, your highness. You may be a pain in my ass, and one of the best trolls Equestria has ever seen, but I've gotta say, compared to what it could be like, us Equestrians have got it pretty damn good.

I was browsing through some books in the library, and wouldn't you know, there were some civilizations in eons past who had these systems called 'democracies'. Needless to say, these were some of the most disturbing books I have ever read.

Now bear with me, not all of the book was frightening. The section on direct democracy, where ponies who got up off their asses actually had say in what their government did, wasn't too bad. It could actually work. No, the section that chilled me to the core was representative democracy. Yeah, an elected pony to represent a group of ponies. By Your mane, do you have any idea the number of ways that could be a disaster? There were several documented events where disaster did occur. As per the way representative democracy worked, each region of a nation elected an official political pony to represent them in the nations capitol, along with all the other representatives. Get this, some of them kept voting to give themselves raises on their already exorbitant salaries. Did the ponies they represent do anything? Oh, hell no. They were too busy in their day to day lives to give a fuck what their government was doing. They were pretty content to just bitch and moan, and not actually do anything about it. Another thing that bothered me was how in most cases, there were just two major parties. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Of all the problems nations face, you just want two candidates? Two plans of action? So when an opposite party gets power, you just waste your fucking time undoing what the other party did? How about no? Independent third parties never stood a chance because the fucking stupid-ass populace just kept staring at the two major parties like the idiots they were. But the one thing that absolutely disgusted me the most, was one particular democracy from eons ago. I don't believe this society was ponies, but I couldn't find any record of what species made it up. But get this; every four years, this nation would hold a general election to decide their most politically powerful leader. Seems simple enough, right? The popular vote decides the leader? Not quite. It turns out there was a system in place known as the Electoral College, which decided the outcome, not the popular vote. I crunched some numbers, and figured that it was very possible for a leader to be elected through the College, but not have the majority of the popular vote.

Needless to say, there wasn't a doubt in my mind as to why this species no longer exists. I would not be able to gather enough pity for the fucking degenerates that allowed their country to be run that way.

So while you're still a cunt, I feel that we're lucky to have you calling the shots. No pointless arguing among politicians. No voting. No electoral bullshit. It's your authority, and if anyone disagrees, they'll have an absolutely amazing lunar lifestyle.

I still have a sense of pride for our ancestors that formed this great nation. As they were in that cave, the winds howling outside, they weren't arguing, bickering, or pointlessly debating whether or not the ice forming around their bodies was due to climate change. No, they decided to accept their fate and fucking love each other. And because of that, we are here today, prospering.

Because unlike those pointless politics, we can think outside the chimney.

Your proud nationalist former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Family Appreciation Day

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Family Appreciation Day

Dear Princess Celestia,

Why can't all old ponies be like you? I mean, you're more than one thousand years old, and you still look perfectly fine. Every old pony I know is wrinkly and smelly. And they keep on trying to tell me that you are the one true God, and Luna is just a false prophet. But to tell you the truth, I think both of you are pretenders. I think the sun and moon actually raise and set by themselves and you two are a bunch of power horders.

I'm not even that old yet, and I can tell how everypony pretty much sucks. Kids are cruel, teens are assholes, and adults walk around like they're always right and kids are always wrong. Screw that.

So we just had Family Appreciation Day, and because my teacher is the most sensitive, empathetic pony I know, she chose me to bring family in. Me, when I'm pretty sure my mom and dad are dead. And even after I explained that this week is the Zap Apple harvest, she decides to find reason in Diamond Tiara of all places, and tells me to bring in the granny who 'wouldn't remember her mane if it wasn't attached to her head.' Great. Why? Grannies aren't for Family Appreciation Days. Grannies are for pwning noobs. Besides, there's a Family Appreciation Day every week, and there are only like 8 in our class. So basically, every two months is gonna be the same thing. Sure, they could bring in different family members, but once you've met one, you've met them all, I'd say.

Then, I decided to get help from the only two ponies who consider me worthy enough to associate with. Too bad that they're just as dim as I am. They thought that painting my face a sickly green would make Granny think I'm sick, or that Cheerilee somehow wouldn't see the ropes when we played puppet with her when she was napping.

So I finally came up with a believable plan that actually, ALMOST worked. I sent her off to visit Uncle Apple Strudel, and was almost home free when Granny Smith walked in with Uncle Apple Strudel. So I must have accidentally put her on Doctor Emmet Brown's train. Whoops.

But it turns out, that my Granny Smith was responsible for founding all of Ponyville. Even Silver Spoon decided to show some respect. So then I decided to shove it in Diamond Tiara's face, that if Granny hadn't made the Zap Apple Jam, that her dad never would've struck it big, and she'd probably be on the street corner for money.

You know, if there's anyone out there that actually wants to fuck a sassy stuck-up bitch.

Your faithful laborer,
Apple Bloom

Baby Cakes

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Baby Cakes

Dear Princess Celestia,

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Hold the quill. Princess, would you please get me the number of the Equestrian Child Protective Services? I don't believe Carrot Cake and Cup Cake are fit to be parents.

I mean, sure, I was too busy doing my summary report to you to babysit, but if I had any idea that they would resort to Pinkie, than I would have dropped everything. Again, they want PINKIE to BABYSIT. I think it'd be safer to leave them alone in a bath with a dozen toasters on the rim.

By the way, I completely loved how he explained the wings and horn away. His great great great great great grandfather was a unicorn? Great aunt second cousin twice removed was a Pegasus? I've got a much more likely scenario, bakery boy: you haven't been satisfying your wife, so she's been sleeping around.

Anyway, when I showed up to see who they found to cover for them, I found Pinkie, indulging in her adult baby fetish instead of taking care of the babies like she should be. After doing some quick organizing and checking the bottles for LSD, I found myself kicked to the curb because Pinkie wanted to prove she was responsible. Well, I tried. My conscience would be clear if Pinkie accidentally committed double infanticide.

Or she'll keep them alive and help raise twin drug addicts. I hear she has stashes of cocaine disguised as bags of flour all over that bakery. I mean, their chances of survival are admittedly pretty decent if they survived her stand-up comedy routine. And if she did that Oink Oink song...oh stars...I wouldn't wish that on my enemies. Might wish it on you, though.

Oh, and if Scootaloo ever saw those shenanigans, I'm pretty sure she would cut her wings off. A month-old Pegasus can not only fly, but drag Pinkie around the house like she's nothing. Even the unicorn used a levitation spell to fly herself. See? Master race, baby.

But I digress. Pinkie finally got the foals under control when they covered themselves in some of her coke. That put them into a coma, and she began cleaning. Buying the ruse, Mr. and Mrs. Cake offered her the position of go-to babysitter.

Hey, it's their babies' funerals.

Your totally drug-free former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am never having sex. Ever.

Your loyal subject,
Pinkie Diane Pie

The Last Roundup

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Last Roundup

Dear Princess Celestia,

I would like to talk about a handicapped filly here in Ponyville. Her name is Derpy, and she's one of Ponyville's mailmares. She performs her job well enough, I have never had any of my non-royal mail delivered late. But there's just something...different about her.

I first noticed her along with everypony else at my welcome party. Her eyes were just a bit...off. She didn't say anything to me that night, not that I stayed downstairs for very long. After that, I saw her around and about, and didn't really have any direct interaction until she dropped a flowerpot, bale of hay, anvil, and piano on my head during my time of spying on Pinkie. I think that's when she was fired from the moving company and got a job delivering the mail. At least she's found something she's good at now.

But now, Rainbow's told me of a situation that happened this morning, and I just have a hard time believing it. In this town full of hicks and rednecks, I can't believe that Derpy was responsible for ALL the damage to town hall. Furthermore, on a day like that, how did Derpy get a hold of a storm cloud? It was a beautiful day out. Also, I'm surprised at the destructive capabilities of her ass. What's with the cutie mark, anyway? I admittedly do not understand the significance of the bubbles. Did she swallow laundry detergent? That...would actually explain a lot.

So this pony really hasn't done anything to deserve what I hear is coming. I've heard talks about getting together a pool fund to pay for corrective surgery on her eyes and vocal chords. How fucking insensitive can you get? That would change who she is, and above all, why? How do her eyes and voice affect anyone in the town?

What these stupid fucking degenerates are doing is essentially teaching their fillies that ponies who don't look or sound normal should hide these features or correct them. After all, why should we have to accept these ponies for who they are?

Oh, and Applejack went to some rodeo and didn't even win a single event. Kinda pathetic, if you ask me.

Your perfectly normal former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

So what do you think, your Highness? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga?

Your loyal kumquat,
Pinkie 'Pickle Barrel' Pie

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Dear Princess Celestia,

You would think that since my family has run this farm successfully for three generations, that we would be fairly savvy business ponies. Our two busiest times of the year are when we sell Zap Apple Jam and our famous Apple Family Cider. Ponies line up for miles the night before every time. Seriously, we've sold this cider for years, and yet Rainbow Dash gets all butthurt when she doesn't realize what overnight camping means yet.

So, anyway, back to our flawless business practices. Like, supply and demand! With lines that long, you'd think we'd put a limit on how many each pony can buy until everypony's been served. Nope, because that's for sophisticated ponies. We'd rather let Pinkie buy more than she can carry, and then piss off the hundreds of ponies waiting in line when we run out. Yeah, that sounds like a good move to make.

Then let's talk about competition. Competition in business just means better things for the consumer. There are proper ways to go about competing with another business. But screw proper ways, we're the Apples! We're gonna let competition come and park right in front of us. Oh, and we're gonna let them run their demonstration with OUR apples. What could go wrong?

Their machine is certainly impressive. I even managed to get Rainbow Dash to eat dirt! Heh, imagine what she could do if I poured cider all over my body. Ooh...

But, uh, anyway, since we're the savy-est of business ponies and all, we bet the farm on who could make the most cider. No, I mean we literally bet the farm. I mean, why wouldn't a sexy southerner, an old bag, the model for Brony Paper Towels, and a filly who wants to grow up to be the President be able to beat a highly-sophisticated machine that we honestly should take our profits and invest in?

We probably would've been fucked if Flim and Flam weren't equally as bad at running a business as we were. They were in the lead by a mighty amount, and allowed us to double our team with 'honorary family members.' Because of our increased pace, they had to cut back on the quality control. Ya know, kinda like those fast food restaurants do in Manehattan. But their stupidity didn't end there. When nopony wanted to buy any of their cider, did they cut their losses and wait til next year with some of the most fertile ground in the region? Nope. They took their machine and left. So I guess the whole point I'm trying to make is...

We got lucky, and fuck you and your friendship lessons.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a cider bath and invite Rainbow Dash over.

Your sultry southern subject,
Applejack

Read It and Weep

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Read It and Weep

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am now pretty convinced that Rarity is out to get me. Ever since I didn't stop the carriage in Dodge Junction to pick her up. I mean, she could have ducked when Pinkie took a backwards jump off of Applejack's stage coach. So totally not my fault. I knew that drink she bought me before my routine demonstration tasted funny. Although, I suppose it could've been a lot worse. She could have given me a drugged cupcake and fileted me piece by piece all for the intention of baking my internal organs into desserts.

So when I crashed I woke up in the hospital. I can't believe AJ said the chow is hoof-lickin' good. Yeah, as in I'd rather eat my own feet than the garbage they wheel around on those trays. So to help me with going out of my mind, Twilight gets me a book. A BOOK. Everyone knows words and numbers are strictly forbidden.

Anyway, as I slowly went insane with boredom, I tried to explain to my completely disabled roommate why I watch a cartoon for little fillies; basically to get to the other side of the street...because, you know, then we could be on the other side of the street together...because that make sense, right? Yeah, then I told him how I made a Sonic Rainboom and caused mass puberty.

But that didn't cure my boredom for long, so I began reading this book Twilight brought me. Didn't get too far before Fluttershy and her came in with a board game. Instead of admitting I was reading and apologizing to Twilight for the egghead comment, I kept the charade of being tired and kept visits short. As I was purposefully losing, I had an out-of-body experience, where I was part of the most ingenious product placement of all time. My Little Pony playing Battleship while recovering from Operation.

So I unknowingly read all through the night, so the next morning they pushed a sleep-deprived crash victim out to the curb. With how fast they rushed me out of the hospital, you'd think Equestria has universal healthcare. Upon realizing that I had left the book in the room, I decided once again to forgo apologizing to Twilight, and instead attempt breaking and entering. It turns out they only thought I was stealing slippers, and that is like the hospital's most precious resource with how they gave chase.

Finally admitting to Twilight that I had enjoyed reading, I got the entire collection from her and went back up home. Score!

Your slightly better educated weather pony,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

Holy crap, you're not gonna believe this. I actually managed to get Rainbow hooked on a book series for first graders! I didn't even know she could read! Once I can get her reading level up high enough, I can introduce her to a book called The Kama Sutra.

But yeah, I wouldn't want to be her when the hospital bill comes. I mean, with how many dangerous tricks she's attempted, I bet she can't even get insurance.

Your perfectly healthy former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Hearts and Hooves Day

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hearts and Hooves Day

Dear Princess Celestia,

It has come to my attention that the three fillies Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, also known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, have a serious problem. They think they can take any two ponies they want and make them fall in love.

HOW SICK IS THAT?

I mean, let's say Rainbow got hurt and was unable to fly. I bet those three would see fit to shack her up with Applejack at her farm, and watch as they fall in love. I mean damn, what kind of sick freak would do that?

The three stooges took my book that had the recipe for a love potion and then gave it to Ms. Cheerilee and Big Macintosh. The main problem with the love potion is that they really don't do anything except stare into each other's eyes. That's not hot, that's not sexy or erotic. If you truly loved each other, you wouldn't just stare at each other – you'd rail each other over and over again. Why do you think I've never used it?

The point is, you just can't stick two ponies together and make them fall in love, and whoever does that as a hobby has no life at all, whatsoever. I mean, what would they do with you? Turn you into a tyrannical sexual deviant who preys upon Equestria's entire population? Actually, never mind. I can't see them going that far.

And what do they get out of it? Is there some sweet satisfaction in knowing a pony's personality and character so well that you know exactly who their very special somepony is? Do they clop, knowing that their actions lead to erotic lovemaking? As a matter of fact, I think that's why they do it; for the sex. That's equally puzzling, because I think they're a tad too young to be learning about that yet.

But I think I'm going to start going after Big Mac. I mean...wow...he can pull an entire house while hopping merrily. Just imagine how it'll feel when he mounts me...oh yeah.

I just have to get Cheerilee out of the picture. Damn tramp.

Your sexually-fantasizing former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Friend In Deed

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friend In Deed

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so Pinkie's friend-making system is as follows:

Meet somepony new.
Introduce myself.
Sing random song out of nowhere.
Become instant best friends.

Where the hell was that system when I came to town???

Meet somepony new.
Shriek in midair and take off.
Throw a random party out of nowhere.
Laugh at scary-looking trees and sing random song.

It was hilarious how she pointed out Cranky's bald head in front of the entire town square. I think I have to teach her some lessons in subtlety before she tries to help me with my problems and goes “This pony is REALLY really horny!”

On second thought, if it gets me laid, she can do whatever the fuck she wants.

Another thing. She tripped, and as a result, his scrapbook caught on fire? Again, Pinkie tripped? The pony who has the most blatant disregard for simple physics TRIPPED??? I don't believe that for a second.

So it turns out the lost love he was looking for for years was here in Ponyville all along. So in all the places in Equestria he looked, he didn't look in the center. Go figure. So Pinkie Pie hooked them back up, upon which Cranky accepted her apology and friendship, which gave her the most mind-blowing orgasm ever. They then dismissed her for “spending some time together”.

AKA, sex. I'm off now to see if they'd be interested in a threesome.

Your face-booking former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

It's just so awesome when someone accepts your apology! Especially when you're really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really sorry!

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Putting Your Hoof Down

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Putting Your Hoof Down

Dear Princess Celestia,

So...um...where to start? I guess the best place to start is to admit that I've been letting my life be run by a rabbit. You see, Angel wanted me to make this extravagant salad for him, and apparently he can slap a bitch really good, so I went shopping for ingredients.

I just don't understand why everypony flocks to this marketplace. Wouldn't everything you need for a set price a month be infinitely better than these lousy microtransactions? To be perfectly honest, the stats on these tomatoes are pretty pathetic. Rarity managed to convince a nerd that she was a girl, and she traded her his asparagus. But the best gear, the cherry, was really in demand. I couldn't grind dungeons that long, so I couldn't afford it for Angel's salad, and he threw me out again. I didn't want to be in that guild anyway. If he wanted a cheery that badly he could have just popped my cherry.

So I went to assertiveness training. Thinking back, I'm not sure why I needed assertiveness training. I made a dragon cry and terrorized an entire garden of animals. But since I'm at the beck and call of the most adorable bunny in Equestria, I went to Iron Will for a change in attitude. The next day, I found the gardener soaking my flowers, so I put my hoof on his hose until it spurted all over him.

So I go into Ponyville, and find my path blocked. So...yeah, we should probably get somepony to clean up the pile of garbage now blocking the bridge into town. My bad. I guess I should also apologize to the taxi company for making one of their drivers wet himself. Sorry, but Luna gives really great Thu'um lessons.

So after giving my mailman a good spanking, a tourist makes me drop my mail into a puddle, so I whipped him around and tossed him into a bale of hay. I'm just glad there weren't any spiked bombs floating anywhere nearby.

Rarity and Pinkie come and try to criticize my new attitude, so I really let them have it. They ran away crying. I guess I could have been a little nicer about it, but with the way they reacted, I probably should have sent them away with Butthurt Report Forms to fill out.

So all in all, I guess I shouldn't have listened to the horniest creature to come to Ponyville since Twilight. I just have to tell Angel to eat whatever I give him to eat or I'll be giving Elmer Fudd a call.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Your pet rabbit is a dick.

Do you know what a bunny fire is?

-Twilight

It's About Time

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

It's About Time

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, first off...you love this new hairstyle? Are you kidding me? Let's see you with it. Hey Spike, royal smartass at 11 o'clock, singe away!

Second, I need a few more lessons in not creating time paradoxes. If I had known that the spell in the Canterlot Archives would send me back in time, and freak out my past self, then why did I do it? Because if I didn't do it, that her freaking out never would've happened, and then this timeline wouldn't have existed? But if I never would've done...ugh, fuck it. I'm not doing this.

Also, “You're not scientifically possible”? I can't believe I said that. Yeah, time travel isn't scientifically possible; in a world where the sun and moon are LIFTED from the ground by magical alicorns, and friendship can be used as a weapon.

Well, at least I know my late night pacing interrupts Spike's cream dreams, so I guess I'll keep those up, until he starts having them about me instead of Rarity.

Well, that's all for now. I have to go tell Pinkie to stop stashing shit in my fireplace.

Your former time lord,
Twilight Sparkle

Dragon Quest

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dragon Quest

Dear Princess Celestia,

So today, we decided to have the least worthy of us, Applejack and Pinkie Pie, dig a trench so we can watch as dragons migrate to the continent of Tamriel. I hear they're scheduled to cause some havoc in Skyrim. Apparently all of them owe this Alduin guy some money, so they all agreed to do this invasion thing for him.

Meanwhile, I was being entertained, watching Rainbow try to force Fluttershy out of her home. She figured with how loud she was yelling back at the Gala, as well as after her lessons with Iron Will, her Thu'um must be pretty decent unless we needed protection. But speaking of those assertiveness lessons, they must have been pretty good, because she proceeded to knock Rainbow flat on her back, stomp on her chest, and then proceeds to gingerly slip out the back window...and she even got out of paying Iron Will. That clever bitch!

So there we all are in the sub-par trench, along with that ever-flamboyant whore Rarity, when Spike starts handing out snacks and refreshments and draws comparisons to himself when we all start commenting in awe over the dragons. I warned Spike not to compliment himself, because all that is is a cue for us to start making fun of how fabulously gay he is compared to these fearsome dragons. We made him all embarrassed and blush and he stomped off. He went back to the library to try and find some books on improving self-esteem, but having predicted such a move, I had removed all the self-help books from the library several months ago, and made him go through all the shelves to prove it. It made him so upset that he cried well into the night. What a pathetic excuse for a gay maid.

So the next day, he starts packing to go off to find the dragons. While I tried to convince him that I had a microchip implanted in his skull after he ran off when I adopted Owlowicious, he didn't buy it, and he took off. Teaming up with Rarity and Candy Vag, we decided to go after him. Rarity assured us she knew the perfect way to blend in, and designed the worst disguise ever. I mean, sure, it would absolutely take first prize at a dragon cosplay contest, but we're actually trying to LOOK LIKE a dragon here. Big difference there.

So the dragons stop for a travel break at Mt. Doom or something, where Spike encounters them. They started a hazing ritual, and the last of which was King of the Horde, and that got tiring very quickly. There was this voice that kept saying, 'Horde Controlled' over and over again. It was really fucking annoying. Good thing they didn't play Capture the Flag. When we started commenting on it, some of the dragons began to wonder who we were, and they just shrugged us off as a relative of Crackle. We look over and saw...just...the most offensive thing we've ever seen. Good Sweet Celestia, somedragon put that fucking freak out of his misery. After dubbing Spike Rookie Dragon, they party well into the night doing crystal meth.

They then decide to prepare for Skyrim by going on a raid. I wasn't going to let Spike get the chance of escaping my grasp, so we followed them into the forest. After pulling the aggro of the two tanking parents, the dragons find all the eggs hatched, and then decide to go after the babies themselves, which alerts the parents. Finding a spare egg, they encourage Spike to smash it on the ground, but then he goes all pro-life on them. Realizing that he'd never make it in Skyrim, he sides with us, and we escape back to Ponyville, where we know they'll never try to get us.

I mean, come on, Dovahshy is here. We're safe.

Your Ranged DPS former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
Fus Ro Fuck You

Hurricane Fluttershy

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hurricane Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

So it seems you and your sister aren't the only ones who know how to run a scam. Just like you two act like the sun and moon don't move on their own, the Pegasi apparently have Equestria convinced that water doesn't evaporate naturally, and that they need rainwater from various sources each year.

I don't know what they do with the water, but apparently nopony ever got a cutie mark in meteorology, because no one questions this water-smuggling scam. I can't even imagine what they use it for. But this year, Cloudsdale has selected Ponyville's water reservoir to supply Equestria with rainwater. Yeah, that's right. Ponies everywhere think that our little reservoir can supply the entire continent with rain for an entire year.

I just don't get Fluttershy. I mean, the tree disguise was perfect, but if she was trying to get out of tornado duty, she should've picked a better spot to hide; someplace farther away from the meeting spot, and not right across the street from the library, ya know? Sheesh.

So the next day, I got yet another example of how this town hates finer education. Instead of listening to what an anemometer was and what it did, they decided to listen to my simpleton fax machine, who said it just measured how fast you go and how strong your wings are. I wonder if there's a device that measures how hard I can hit a dragon.

Of course, Fluttershy plays hooky, and Rainbow goes to check on her. Yet again, she is not very convincing. Pony pox? Really? If you want to really have everypony leave you alone, just tell them it's the T-virus. So Rainbow Dash got Fluttershy all wet, and they admitted their love for each other.

Also, Pinkie must have finally gotten her experimental steroid drug to a prototype stage, because there was a Pegasus in the group that was just...all kinds of wrong. Sorry, but you don't get like that unless you're on something. Seriously, this guy was ripped, and his wings were now the smallest part of his body. And he still flew! What is wrong with this picture?

So Rainbow comes back with Fluttershy after they probably made love or something, and she flies past the anemometer, and completely sucks. I was going to say something mean, but Spike beat me to it, so I knocked him on the head and pretended I cared. Fluttershy proceeded to break up with Rainbow and ran away to her animals, who told her to stop being such a bitch and to start working out. She came back to the track later that day, and improved, but pretty much still sucked. Fluttershy was in tears, and proceeded to break up with Rainbow, soap opera style.

The next day, they were all set to try to break the wing power record. Their first attempt wasn't so hot, and sent everyone flinging in all directions. Apparently Rainbow Dash's eyeballs are strong enough to punch through tree bark. Everyone decides to give it one more try, and Fluttershy finally gets a pussy and decides to help them.

And you know my biggest piece of proof that this whole 'give water to Cloudsdale' thing is a scam?

When the first attempt failed, and Cloudsdale was in danger of not getting their rainwater, Spitfire didn't do a fucking thing.

Scam!

Your ever-vigilant former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Ponyville Confidential

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Ponyville Confidential

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that this whole damn town is frighteningly insecure. It all started when the Cutie Mark Failures decided once again on their next crusade; newspaper. Although Sweetie Belle once again tried shipping in the most incorrect manner possible, and Scootaloo's wings have now begun to troll the body they're attached to. Brilliant.

So once Applebloom finally got them on the idea of journalism, they signed up for the school newspaper. So I also blame part of this fiasco on Cheerilee. The fact that these three have not been sent to some special needs class astounds me. Wait, scratch that. This is Ponyville we're talking about. The whole schoolhouse is pretty much a special needs class.

But she did do something right; the selection of the Editor-in-Chief. Diamond Tiara was after the juicy stories. And the staff photographer just got his cutie mark. Based upon the kind of photos he took, he's looking at a career with the ponyrazzi in Fillywood. The three birth defects can't figure out what to write in their column until Sweetie Belle finds Snips and Snails being butt buddies on the playground. Needless to say, this article spread like wildfire, and a newspaper written by kids is now the hottest thing in town.

So now that it's common knowledge that the school allows gay relationships on the premises, Diamond Tiara orders the newly christened 'Gabby Gums' to go beyond the school and get into the private lives of Ponyville. That's when things started to get fun.

I find it simply marvelous how bent out of shape an entire town gets when ponies start talking about them. In fact, I have a solution. How about we re-purpose the town hall. We get a gigantic blackboard, and black full suits for anonymity. So anypony can go in and write whatever they want with no consequences whatsoever. I'll call it...a forum! That way, anypony can go on a rant and get something off their chest. At least until technology advances and we have a machine in the comfort of our own home where we can just rot away in front of them.

Can you imagine if there was a show about those mythological 'human' creatures Lyra is always talking about? What if it was made for little fillies, but stallions and mares got into it too? With a machine like that, the worst of those fags could go and write a story about humans and post it for everyone to read! By the moon, can you think of anything more pathetic?

Well, to be honest, the articles began to lose their flare, at least in my opinion. Like, Pinkie Pie is a drugged-up party animal? Fluttershy's tail isn't real? I find this town boring? I thought this was a NEWSpaper. But I am impressed that Featherweight managed to snap a picture of your fat ass chowing down on some cake.

Well, after that picture made it to print, I imagine that Cheerilee was fearing for her possible future lunar lifestyle, so she shut the Gabby Gums column down. But not before they managed to get some delicious tears out of Fluttershy.

So even though Diamond Tiara lost her position as Editor-in-Chief, Madame Pinkie Pie predicted that she would become prosperous in the future through something involving a four-leaf clover and the letter 'b'. Not too sure what that means.

Your forum-trolling former student,
Twilight Sparkle

MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

MMMystery On The Friendship Express

Dear Princess Celestia,

So Mr. and Mrs. Diabetes have prepared this really extravagant cake for Equestria's National Desert Competition. The Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. I hear they have a new device to aid in judging the dishes this year; it actually measures how fast your arteries clog!

And don't most competitions have you bake the dish AT the competition? Well, since we're not doing that, let's bake it then move it! Oh, and don't put it on a level, sturdy cart. Nope, put it on a wobbling horse, tie it to ropes and have two Pegasi hold it up, have a protective shield around it, and last but not least, a trampoline behind it.

So let's see. If it were to tip off of Big Mac, it would fall inside the shield, most likely knocking both Pegasi into it, and then, if it falls backwards it would bounce off the trampoline and hit the ground, shattering the shield and sending cake everywhere. Fucking genius.

So rather than making the desserts there, we're taking the prepared dessert to the competition. Separately, right? Away from all the competition? Nope! We're all going on a train, but first we have to tear the side off because we have to get this damn thing into the car. At least everypony else's was small enough to fit in the door.

So I tried to listen to Pinkie describe the cake sitting before us, but I only got as far as “rich, creamy goodness”, which of course cause the medication to wear off, and I started thinking about sex again. Oh by the moon I'd like some rich creamy goodness inside me right about now.

No, I'm not talking about the cake.

So when our competition shows up with their entries, what happens? That's right Pinkie, flaunt your most-likely prize-winning entry in front of everyone and then attempt to stay up all night without any help from stimulants or a damn cup of coffee. Hell, use your drugs, we know you brought them. They're stored in the cake, aren't they?

So after Pinkie began guarding the cake, Dash rather easily lured her away, and because she only sees in two dimensions, didn't see that Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity had taken a bite of the cake. I really had to resist using one of the supports as a dildo.

But I really would love to see the world through Pinkie's eyes for just 10 minutes. According to her, we had a silent film villain, secret agent, and ninja on the train with us.

So in short, Fluttershy, Rainbow, and Rarity are all weak-willed future fatasses. Applejack can play innocent all she wants, but she was the FIRST to reach for the cake before we even left.

With the MMMM ruined, do the bakers now revel in their much-increased chances of winning? Oh hell no. One short dark tunnel later, and they all gobbled up another dessert. So now that everypony's dishes have been destroyed, we basically made this whole damn trip for nothing. Until Pinkie decided to combine the remnants of all three dishes, and enter it into the contest. She waited until you got a slice, and then ate the rest all at once. Blue ribbon and all. Good thing too, because I was afraid we were all going to argue over who got the ribbon on the way home.

But seriously, how is Pinkie not pissing high fructose corn syrup?

Your healthy-eating former student,
Twilight Sparkle

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Dear Shining Armor,

Who the tartarus do you think you are? What, just because some two-bit villain makes a threat against Canterlot, that means you can put off telling me about your wedding until the last minute? I mean damn, if it's that fucking serious, delay the damn wedding! And seriously? Cadance? You're marrying that broad? You're getting some seriously damaged goods there, bro. I know because I heard you guys every time you railed her after putting me to bed. Drywall isn't much of a sound dampener, you know.

So Bitchcess Celestia wants me and my friends to help out with this sham, does she? She wants Applejack to give everyone food poisoning, and Pinkie Pie to get everypony to party hard. Fluttershy is once again conducting the bird choir. Ugh, once again with the fucking birds. Seriously, find a fucking guitar. I know they're usable because the Crusaders used them during their shitty talent show. Rainbow Dash is instructed to do a Sonic Rainboom during the ceremony because nothing is more beautiful than Pegasus diarrhea at Mach 1. Rarity will design the dresses for the slut and her whoremaids, and lastly, I'm supposed to make sure everything comes together.

So we take the train up to Canterlot, and find it surrounded by a pink force field bubble. Because nothing says “don't fuck with us” more than pink and sparkly. So I go off in search of you, and apparently you've been sleeping around, because your guards are alerted to a mare angrily calling your name. But after talking to you for a few minutes, I have to admit, I've missed you. I remember back when I went into heat for the first time, and you taught me how to clop. Just reminiscing about it got me horny, which is why I presented to Cadance when she showed up. Then when she ignored me and just went right to your side, I started to feel...really jealous. Oh Celestia...I think...I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!

After all, it just wasn't that first time I was in heat; you helped me clop plenty of times. You never mounted me, because of stupid society and what everypony thinks is right and wrong, but you know what? Fuck society. I want you, Shining. I want you inside of me, and if you're attracted to that rude, stuck-up bitch, then I'll happily say that you haven't seen nothing yet! I'm WAY bitchier than her!

So during the last rehearsal, I stormed in and tried to pass her off as a witch, so that I could run away with you. But I'll give her this; she's a damn good actress. I thought I could convince everypony by screaming evil over and over again, but that didn't work either, but she ran off nonetheless. So now you can be all mine...oh wait, no. Because for some reason you want that over this. Your own sister, who hasn't gotten any in quite some time. I guess I didn't do a good job of making friends down in Ponyville, either, because they all just walked out on me. Then as I'm crying because I'm forever alone, the Queen of Shipping comes back, and sends me down to hell.

Fuck all of you,
Twilight Sparkle

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

Dear Shining Armor,

'You're being a tiny bit possessive of your brother,' they said. 'Spike's playing with dolls, are you beating him enough?' they said. 'Please get some counseling' they said. Well, what the fuck do they know?

You know, I'm purposefully right most of the time, but it's somewhat rare that I'm accidentally right. Turns out the Cadance I met up in Canterlot was a doppelganger who locked the real one down here. She had gotten quite horny down here, but we figured it was a bit more important to try and make the bitch upstairs pay for taking our stallion for herself. Cadance was a bit skeptical of our chances, so I told her that if we actually pulled it off, she had to promise to do a threesome with you and me.

So we set off. Did you know that in order to get up to Canterlot, first you have to take an old rusty minecart DOWN a spiraling track? Who the hell dug this place? Seriously, it makes just about as much sense as the doppelganger singing at the top of her lungs about her evil plans and no one hears her. After tricking the mind-controlled bridesmaids into jumping off a cliff, we made it to the chapel just in time. Revealing herself to be the queen of the Changelings, this 'Chrysalis' plots to feed off of all the love in Equestria. So at least Ponyville's safe. I'm convinced that it's impossible for anypony to get laid in that town.

And what the fuck is this? Celestia is actually standing up to a threat rather than just sending me and the goof troop? Well, at least I now understand why she constantly sends us, because she just got her ass handed to her. I guess trolling really is the only thing she's good at. She tells us to go get the Elements of Harmony and use them to defeat the Queen. That's another thing; when she is aware of a threat to our nation, why doesn't she have the most powerful weapons of her arsenal out and ready to use? Nope, just keep them sealed up in that little box in that vault that only she can open, and not the actual wielders of the Elements. I bet that after this, she'll use this attack as an excuse to create a completely new arm of government, call it something like the Department of Equestrian Security, and it'll be so fucking useless and a waste of tax bits that it'll be the butt of jokes for the next decade.

So because the Changelings know a thing or five about actual warfare, we're brought back to the chapel, where they have Celestia encased in a cocoon, and Cadance glued to the floor with some kind of goo. Either that or they jizzed on her. Kinky. When the Queen goes to the window to sing her shitty song again, I quick make a move to free Cadance, and you and her perform a dual love spell that repels Chrysalis and her minions. Oh no, don't obliterate them, just send them flying off into the distance so they can come back one day. Also, I find it very hard to believe that every single Changeling was perfectly positioned to be pushed out of the city by the force field, and not turned to paste on the side of a building.

So after all this, Applejack was the only one with enough balls to actually apologize to me. Damn straight, now where are the other four? And what about Bitchlestia? I just saved your castle, city, and country, you flowing-hair whore! All she had to say to me was “this is your victory too.” Well no shit.

So guess what, big brother best fucker forever? Since I saved the day, I'm getting a threesome. So you're going to satisfy me whether you want to or not. I'll prove myself to you one way or another, and one day you'll be mine!

Now to go off and see how Fax Machine is going to totally fuck up this bachelor party he's put together.

Your incestuous sexy sister,
Twilight Sparkle

The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, that was quite the summer. It all started with finally getting the sexual satisfaction I'd been craving for the past two years. Shining was incredible! I lost track of how many times he made me climax. Cadance didn't taste too bad either. It was the best night I've ever had in my life. Then I spend the next two months trying to make it happen again. My amazingly sexy brother had to go ruin the ride because of 'social norms'. He made Cadance perform a memory spell on him to make him forget that night. So between stalking him with weekly letters asking him for some, I've been looking through my spellbooks for a reverse memory spell. Sorry, but you don't just FORGET a mind-blowing screw like that. I know it was good for him too.

So what do you do to take my mind off it? You give me a test. So you've finally decided to see if I was better off in Ponyville away from your school. So here I was trying to remember how this place sucks, yet infinitely better than Canterlot, when Fax Machine told me to relax. Yeah, relax! That's what I was trying to do with this summer's unsuccessful sexcapades. I got so pissed that even the tree jumped from the bitchslap I gave him.

So I go to Canterlot to get this test, which turns out really isn't a test. It's more of a mission. Yep, another mission for Twilight and company because Celestia gets her ass handed to her. I even saw the look on Luna's face, like she was almost pouting because she wanted to go and help, but I'm guessing you were punishing her because she stayed in her bedroom playing video games during the changeling invasion of the wedding. But I'm sure she's grateful that her punishment isn't more severe. Remember that one time she got sent to the moon just because she wanted to spend time with others?

I think I heard something about a king, and love and joy. I wasn't sure. My mind stopped listening intently after I heard Crystal Meth Empire. By the moon, Pinkie finally has competition! Maybe if I can save this city from vanishing again, Pinkie's monopoly on drug trafficking will end, and we can finally work on cleaning up Ponyville!

After a short musical number and another slap to Fax Machine (that will teach him to sing backup on my songs) we board the train to the Crystal Meth Empire. Equestria's infrastructure is incredible. This city vanished one thousand years ago, and the railroad up to the north was in perfect shape. We got off the train into a raging blizzard, and met up with Shining Armor, who was cosplaying that one guy from that one movie. He hurries us along because 'the empire isn't the only thing that's returned'. How about you stop being so ominous and just spit it out! Something keeps trying to get in, you say? Maybe it's the unicorn king. Or maybe it's any sane pony who doesn't want to be out in this damn blizzard. Sheesh. Sure enough, this mass of shadows closes in on us, and we make a dash for the dome. We all make it through, but not before Shining got raped. So, he won't be ready to go again for several hours.

Meeting Cadance in the castle, she has the audacity to say that we need to meet up when the fate of Equestria isn't hanging in the balance. Oh, you mean like I was trying to do the entire summer for sexy fun times? Bitch. So the goal here is to find out how the crystal meth ponies protected themselves in the past. So...if I'm understanding this, they needed protecting even before a corrupt king rose to power? Because...that makes no sense at all. After not getting anything out of the stoned locals, we ransacked the library to find a history book. Apparently, out of all the drugs they manufactured, ecstasy wasn't one of them, so they needed to throw an annual fair to make themselves happy to protect themselves from harm. Give me a break. I've seen plenty of royal guards protecting you from harm, and they don't seem jolly at all. The entire fair was centered around something called the Crystal Heart. Remember Tom, Rarity's crush? Yeah, I took a hammer and chisel to his ass to make a replica, and put it in the center of town.

However, in all our research and thorough reading, we neglected to notice that the last page was missing from the history book. You'd think I would've caught that. Must be this drug-filled atmosphere. Cadance has been hitting up so long that her magic was starting to fade. The shield dropped, and Drug Lord Sombra closed in to retake his meth labs.

Uh oh.

Your didn't-see-the-tear-marks former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Any idea why my sister is writing me letters every week asking for a good rutting? It's starting to creep me out.

Sincerely,
Shining Armor

The Crystal Empire, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Crystal Empire, Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, I've got to hand it to Cadance, taking off Sombra's horn like that took guts. Now he's going to go get his homies for backup and bust a cap in her ass. But it's just another day up in 'dis Crystal Meth Empire, yo.

After quickly overcoming the grief that Tom died for no reason, I tasked the other five with keeping the fair running while I searched for the Crystal Heart. If your sister taught me anything, it's that you have to search fruitlessly around an area, and then lastly, search a lava-filled castle with spikes everywhere, and then there's always a guy at the end who says you have to go to another castle. Seeing how there's only one castle in this area, I figured that wouldn't happen.

After looking everywhere on the castle grounds, I let the hate flow through me, and bam, secret staircase. I walk halfway down, and tumble down the second half. At least I got to the end. I didn't even need 70 or more stars. But then there was this rather evasive door. I gave it a dose of PMS, it opened right up, and I was given the most wonderful vision – where I was officially released from your school. Spike came down and had a similar vision where he was no longer in my servitude. After reminding him that he was mine forever, I performed a spell on the door, and was greeted with another set of stairs.

Down at the fair, Rainbow ran a kiosk, Rarity made straw items, Applejack was the distraction, Fluttershy hosted a petting zoo, and Pinkie kept screaming for a flugelhorn. Fluttershy kept a pretty good distance from Pinkie. I think she was afraid that she was going to get high and make a second disguise out of her skin. The crystal meth ponies were getting a little edgy, so Rainbow distracted them by trying to impale Fluttershy in a jousting match.

So back at the tower, I was about a quarter of the way up when I recalled a spell Luna told me; the legendary 'Up Down Left Right Select' spell. Suddenly, gravity reversed and I slid all the way up the bottom of the spiral. I'm amazed my hooves didn't catch on fire. Once we finally got to the top, I discovered that the clever bastard actually installed an alarm system. Having no other choice, I ordered Fax Machine to take it down the tower. Like the true clumsy shit he is, he tripped and fell, forcing my brother to throw his exhausted wife up in the air to catch them. Probably would've been funnier if she only caught the heart, but what's done is done.

So back in Canterlot, Celestia congratulated me on understanding the meaning of self-sacrifice, leading me to believe she was hoping I died up there in the tower. Fucking troll. Just wanted Spike to take all the glory. He even got his own stained glass window! The other five are much better backup singers than him anyway.

Your still-alive former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Sweetheart, did Pinkie slip you something again? I never agreed to a threesome down in the caves, and you certainly didn't accompany us on our honeymoon. You've been freaking your brother out.

When I used to foalsit for you, you were the sweetest, smartest filly there ever was. But recently, your attitude and manners have been abysmal. But it's nothing that years of therapy can't fix.

Sooner or later, I hope that you'll take that first step to getting some help. Because hallucinations like that are only going to continue; before you know it, you'll think you've become a princess yourself, or worse, you and your friends will go through a portal, turn into those mythological humans, and attend high school.

Sincerely,
Princess Cadance

Author's Notes:

Whoops, sort of made a perspective error, didn't I? Kinda goofed; was kinda in the mindset that she was still writing to her brother.

Too Many Pinkie Pies

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Too Many Pinkie Pies

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that I have no time management skills whatsoever. In addition to trying to come up with ways to compete with the Crystal Meth Empire's drug trafficking, I also can't spend enough time with my friends. They're all having fun at the same time! Well, everypony except Fluttershy, who was having a tea party with Angel, who was all like 'Well fuck you too' when Fluttershy said it wasn't especially fun.

So while I was recovering in Fluttershy's butterfly grove, both Rainbow and Applejack came by for their hits. AJ needed some heroin for her family's barn raising, and Rainbow needed weed for relaxing at the lake after work. At this point, I started to panic. I couldn't get Rainbow her stash and Applejack's at the same time, and I didn't want either of them to start to detox, so I started seeing how fast I could make it from Sweet Apple Acres to the lake. I ran into Twilight, who suggested I make copies of myself. Remembering the legend of the Mirror Pool, I wander into the Everfree Forest to find the underground pond, where I made a clone of myself. So now I could make both deliveries on time!

Or so I thought.

Turns out on the way to the farm, she stopped by Fluttershy having a picnic, gave the stash to a new customer by the name of Applejohn, went to another picnic hosted by Fluttershutter, but unfortunately, didn't make it to Applesauce's barn raising. So now my weed is gone, and I need some more. So a thought hit me; more clones for faster production! But unfortunately, they weren't interested in keeping my drug trade afloat, but only in having 'fun'. There's nothing more fun than making drugs! Did you know that 'horse' is a slang for heroin! See? Fun!

Going back to the pond, I saw them doing something with Rainbow Dash that...I really don't want to describe. I checked up on the barn raising, to see my horde destroying the barn. One even got crushed by the tower. Soon enough, they were running rampant throughout the town looking for even more fun. Twilight devised a solution to sending them back to the Mirror Pond, but didn't want to send me back because she's desperate for her drugs. So I figured out a solution – my clones couldn't concentrate on drugs at all, so we gathered up all the Pinkie into town hall, and had them inhale paint fumes. Anyone who didn't keep staring blankly got sent back to the pool. They did some pretty freaky things, too, like making hands out of their hooves and warping their face to the most hideous thing imaginable.

So I learned my lesson. The Crystal Meth Empire is going to get a slice of the drug trade from now on, and I'll have to settle for a smaller cut. I can't supply all my friends, so I'll have to pick and choose, and the rest will have to go to the Empire's substandard selection. All part of the business. Now to find this Applejohn and get my stuff back.

Your loyal druggie,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yeah, the orgy with multiple Pinkies at the lake was great and all, but if I have to hear a muffled 'FUN!' coming from between my legs ever again, it'll be too soon.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

One Bad Apple

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

One Bad Apple

Dear Princess Celestia,

Let me start off by saying I hate kids. I never wanted any myself, and then mom had to go and die during Apple Bloom's birth, then dad of course ran away with that whore from Baltimare. Somehow, we kept the pooping, crying birth defect from dying until she was old enough to do chores on the farm. So just when she's starting to get decent at farm labor so she could get an apple mark, she goes and makes friends with two more idiot fillies. Personally, I blame public schooling. Why is “practice what you're already good at” so hard to teach? Why, back when I was in school, if you acted up, you got a ruler on the hooves, paddle on the ass, and soap in the mouth. As far as I can tell, I turned out alright because of all that. I didn't want kids because all the damn laws today. You're not allowed to beat their ass; you're supposed to give them a 'time out.' Fuck that. So I gave them the old tree house, so they would stay as far away from me as possible.

So now that I've gotten that problem taken care of for the most part, what does the sophisticated family over in the east do? Well, they dump another one on me! All because they can't deal with a bullying problem. Do you realize what this is going to do? If Babs, however unlikely, has a good time here, and then has to go back to her miserable existence in Manehattan, is gonna want to come back here all the time. And if her family up there is too stupid to deal with bullies, then they just might be stupid enough to let her live down here. I am not a hootin' foalsittin' service. If they don't stop jumping around me like a bunch of wild banshees while waiting for the train, I've got a mind to warm up the branding iron and give them all their cutie marks early.

So they take Babs and give her the dime tour of the clubhouse, showing her all the key features and places. Too bad they don't know that the bulls-eye on the floor was also where Rainbow and I...uh...you know what, never mind. Then they take her over to the barn where they've been working on their pumpkin float for the town parade, and of course get interrupted by their two favorite future whores. For as good a job as Apple Bloom did fixing up the clubhouse, she did a shitty job putting on the wheel. Seriously, if it can be knocked off with a single pathetic hoof strike, I wouldn't feel safe getting in that thing. Or maybe they mixed up their roles again, hoping to win the parade's Best Comedy Act. Maybe lightning can actually strike twice.

So Babs goes over to the dark side and leave to learn the ways of the Force with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The crusaders then go about Ponyville attempting to avoid Babs, while singing “yeeaahheeaahheeahh” wherever they go. Because they're not snitches. Nope, they're bitches.

So they return to the clubhouse only to discover that Sith Lord Seed has taken it over. So once again, instead of coming to me, and allowing me to prosecute them for trespassing, they slink away to Sweetie Belle's bedroom. They didn't want to tell me, they didn't want to tell Rarity, and they REALLY didn't want to Twilight. I can understand that at least. Knowing her, she probably would've joined Babs in the clubhouse.

Coming up with a plan for revenge, they meet in the barn and create another float. Not to mention that I think I know where Rarity's been making those extra bits on the side. I think I can count on one hoof how many professions require edible clothing.

After building their new float to the theme of an old neighties TV show, they get all set to spring their trap. After being as subtle as possible with the winking and mattress, I told them about her bullying problems back home, and they knock Babs out of the float just before it tumbled off the cliff. Apple Bloom must have built this one, because this one stayed in one piece when it hit the bottom. Giving them all a bath back home, I told them that it was better to be a snitch then a bitch. After all, you only have to worry about snitches in prison. Afterward, Sweetie Belle steals more of Rarity's golden fabric to make Babs a crusader cape. They say their goodbyes at the train station, and to prove her training went well, Babs force pushed Diamond and Silver into a mud pit. Come to think of it, why is there a pig pen right next to the train walkway?

Part of me wants to tell them that never in the history of Equestria has there been a kids club for finding Cutie Marks. If this keeps up too much longer, it'll be too late. Scootaloo will be sent to the Rainbow Factory, Rarity will probably skin Sweetie Belle to make up for all the stolen supplies with still no Cutie Mark to show for it, and in the case of Apple Bloom, well, I hear Pinkie is looking for a baking assistant.

Your loyal farmer-not-foalsitter,
Applejack

Magic Duel

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Magic Duel

Dear Princess Celestia,

So let me get this straight, the ambassadors from Saddle Arabia are coming, and you want me to juggle woodland creatures for them? Is that really all it's going to take for them to give you all their oil? Normally it wouldn't be any big thing, but damn, Fluttershy flipped the fuck out. Her animals were loving it, but she was biting her hooves, after threatening me with a bunny fire if anything happened to them, of course. Then Rainbow had to come crashing into me to tell me about an emergency back in town.

I go to town square to see what the commotion is, and who else should it be than the Great and Powerful Bitchy. How have you been, you prissy showmare slut? Been down on your luck, have you? So she's come back to Ponyville to challenge me to a magic duel, and the way she's going to goad me into this is to put Rarity in a decent dress for a change, give Rainbow a serious hit of Viagra, and glue the two biggest idiots in town together? Although I must admit, I was rather impressed with the legendary Recycling Bin spell she performed on Pinkie. How the fuck did she manage to keep breathing, anyway?

Nice amulet, by the way. I love how no one questioned her flashing red eyes and magic aura. No, that's not foreshadowing or ominous at all.

So I initially refused to duel because I was afraid that I'd kick her ass and I'd have to stay in this piss pit of a town. But I came to realize that staying in Ponyville wasn't as bad as being TOLD to go anywhere. I'd show that rock farm failure who's boss. It's time to d-d-d-d, d-d-d-d-d-duel!

She began by hurling an applecart up in the air, almost crushing somepony who couldn't get out of the way. I manged to right it just in time. By the way, why can those barrels only hold seven apples? May want to get a bigger size. She then threw pies at me, but what I really wanted was to eat her pie. Then, she blankets the town in snow, forcing me to melt it. Welp, there's this year's Winter Wrap Up. But if she doesn't want to have sex with me, she'll have sex with nopony! I gave her one of my Repulsive Mustaches. Unfortunately, she bested me with an age spell. But at least I got to drop a baby. She flung me out of town before encasing Ponyville in a giant dome. I wasn't aware that the environmental problems had gotten that hazardous. Then again, Hey Ocean's barge did sink in the lake due to the acidity of the water.

Determined to get my friends and slave back, I venture into the Everfree Forest, to see if Zecora had any Rare Candies laying around. If not, I could always walk through the grass to grind a few levels. But she just had me float above the pond, levitating bubbles. But I couldn't stop thinking about Trixie, and that got me soaking wet. It's a good thing I didn't crash any space ships, or she'd probably make me levitate those too.

Before long, Fluttershy had been able to sneak herself out of Ponyville, getting some beavers to use insane amounts of profanity at Trixie. She told me how she was setting up a cult of personality, and would soon create the Democratic Pony's Republic of Ponyville. She also told me about the Alicorn Amulet, and how it gave Trixie a +50 buff to her Magic. Gosh, I wonder how many Hard Mode dungeons she had to grind through for that. So Zecora told me the secret to beating her.

We meet Trixie back at the dome, and I showed her that through the power of microtransactions, I had acquired an amulet more powerful than hers. Pay-to-win, bitch. Of course, after our duel, she tried to put my amulet on, but since I had already equipped it, it was bound to me. That's what you can do when you have more money than skill. Ha. I even gave Pinkie the Polka Band emote.

After the juggling animal show, Trixie apologized to me for the fight. I was about to ask if she wanted to go back to the library with me for some 'studying', but she took off. At least I got a good look at that sweet sexy plot when she tripped. Ugh, I really wanted some of that...

Your hopeless former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Notes:

Well, that's a record. Three in one day.

Sleepless in Ponyville

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sleepless in Ponyville

Dear Princess Celestia,

By the moon, why didn't you tell me Luna could enter into my dreams?!? For fuck's sake, I'm never gonna be able to look her in the eye again! Seriously, when you go this long without getting rutted, the mind does what it does, and that's no fucking business of hers!

Damnit...you know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of it, fuck Luna, and fuck you. Now where's the energy drinks, I'm never sleeping again. Pinkie has to have something that causes insomnia.

You soon-to-be sleep-deprived former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sweetie Belle,

Do you even lift?

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Princess Celestia,

Who's got my rusty horseshoe?

You?

...no?

Alright, I'll go ask that Pegasus filly who can't fly.

Sincerely,
The Olden Pony

Dearest Sister,

I do believe Twilight Sparkle's dreams are our key to finally breaking into the pornography industry. This is some seriously hardcore stuff. I'll get the camcorder.

Sincerely,
Luna

Author's Notes:

Alright, that is seriously it for today. I am officially out of steam.

Wonderbolts Academy

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Wonderbolts Academy

Dear Princess Celestia,

So Rainbow's flying actually got unshitty enough to get accepted into the Wonderbolts Academy. But I'm starting to get the feeling that her orgy with all those Pinkie clones actually contained the original Pinkie, because she really started to miss Rainbow Dash, and fast. She just stood at the mailbox and pressed F5 over and over again. Hey Pinkie, here's an idea; how about you actually, oh, I don't know, WAIT FOR THE MAILPONY?

She continued wasting away, and we finally had to intervene, and suggest that she send Rainbow a letter first. She went one step further and suggested sending her a care package through the mail. That would be tricky without being able to confirm that she had gotten five kills in a row, so we decided to deliver it personally. Good thing, because Derpy Mail has been slipping lately. Approximately 98% of their mail is delivered in perfect condition, and they only advertised 80%. I'd rather have 80% than 98%, it's more exciting that way. Real risk when you send somepony something! Last but not least, it was an opportunity to get out of Ponyville. We seriously need more excuses to get away.

Come to think of it, let's take “fly a hot air balloon into a tornado” off that list of excuses. No sooner than we cleared the cloud cover did a twister come and flung us around and snapped our balloon in half. And I only had two payments left! With some admittedly quick skillful maneuvering, Rainbow formed a bed of clouds for us to land on. Did she keep us on the clouds? Nope. Turned it into a trampoline and sent us flying back up to be caught by the cadets. I'm pretty sure Thunderlane is getting some tonight. Lucky bastard.

So after Rainbow miraculously remembers us over the course of three days, she confronts her partner and quits training due to Lightning Dust's recklessness. She packs her things and gets ready to leave. As we gather at the end of the runway, Spitfire chases down Rainbow Dash, chastising her for walking out. I figured she was here to confiscate her uniform and goggles before leaving. I doubt they were handed out for free. Instead, she commends Rainbow on being so forward, and promotes her to Lead Pony. So she drops her bags and does laps with the others, leaving the rest of us stranded up here.

Yeah, that's right. Last I checked, we're on a floating island in the sky, our hot air balloon was demolished, and four of us can't fly. That's the last time we ever come to check up on you, lezbitch.

Isn't there some kind of shrine around here with a fucking huge green gem we could guard or something? Maybe if we remove it, this place will go back down to the ground.

Your jewel-stealing former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Oh I get it. Promise to take me under your wing, and then take off for Wonderbolts training. I see how it is.

I'll just stay here and entertain myself in this dark, drafty orphanage.

Sincerely,
Scootaloo

Apple Family Reunion

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Apple Family Reunion

Dear Princess Celestia,

So I hear the Apples are having a family reunion. Gee, I wonder how much inbreeding will take place during that.

Your former student who is not from down south,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You're one to talk, Miss I-Want-My-Brother-To-Fuck-Me-Senseless.

-Applejack

P.S. Pa, I hope you're enjoying the afterlife. Who would've thought that your floozy of a marefriend would make you climax so hard it'd give you a heart attack?

~Racist barn, racist barn
One, two, three, four
Let's build upon this redneck farm,
One, two, three, four
Up up up, prejudice
We won't reconsider this
This new barn'll draw quite the crowd
But Zecora's not allowed

Spike At Your Service

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Spike At Your Service

Dear Applejack,

Let's get one fucking thing straight. Spike is MY slave. If you want a dragon slave, then I suggest you grow your own horn out of that damn hat and hatch an egg yourself. Maybe you can get your lover to do another Sonic Rainboom to help you with that too. I am also dumbfounded that you let him move about your farm, the walking disaster that he is. But I hope you got a good idea of why I'm always frustrated with him, and also got first-hand experience of his stupidity. I mean, here was a fire-breathing dragon, running from animated piles of wood. Yeah. I can't believe you bought that dragon code bullshit. The only reason I didn't realize he left was because I was caught up in that magnificent 12-part erotic novel series Celestia sent me for the weekend.

So you always go into the Everfree Forest investigating runaway balloons? Or are you just going in there to intimidate Zecora? You could've given him a swift bucking and sent him flying off your farm if he wasn't getting the message. You see, that's why your honest southern politeness won't get you anywhere in life. And who the fuck puts eggs up on a shelf that is twice as high as anypony in the household?

I do derive joy from the fact that all these mishaps were happening elsewhere, and not in the library. Only Spike could go to wash a single plate, flood the kitchen with soap suds, and come out with a piece of the plumbing.

So after helping Rainbow re-enact the 9/11 Pegasus attack on Manehattan, we got together to come up with a plan to get Spike out of your service. I don't see why we didn't just tell him about the Pony Code, which overrides the Dragon Code, and puts him back into my servitude. Nah, we had to get a really cheap puppet, some wooden buckets, and Rainbow's really good roaring. Spike didn't buy it though, due to the lack of breath. So, of course, the Everfree Forest's glorious irony endangers all our lives. The trio of Timber Wolves tracked you and Spike back to the farm. You saved his life once again, but then they formed up Timbertron.

So they saved the day by doing to the Timbertron what happens to me every time I try blowing a stallion. But since he saved your life, you two called it even, and now he's back helping me because I am completely incapable of turning on a light.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear milesprower06,

However did you come up with that ingeniously woven intricate plot line?

-Rarity

Author's Notes:

Yeah. I went there. Nothing is sacred to Twilight McBitchypants.

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Dear Princess Celestia,

Have you run out of ponies to seduce and molest or something? It has gotten SO bad that you are actually going to risk thawing out your ex lover from carbonite?

Yeah, don't act so surprised. It was totally obvious. He had a one night stand with Luna, you mooned her, and turned him to stone so he could pleasure you without complaining, but for some reason that's become boring. So now you've brought him to us, and then take off into the sky before we release him. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I still can't believe you want us to do this. Even if Fluttershy can miraculously convince him to reform his ways, there are ponies here that will never trust him. Me, for instance. And because of that, we can never give him a second chance. It would cause all sorts of internal and external conflict, and if there's one thing I've learned living in Ponyville, it's that we can never, ever deal with conflict in a civilized manner. It's obviously because everypony here has piss-poor attitudes and shitty personalities!

But because none of us want to go to the moon, and five of us don't want to get molested, we go along with this. We release him from the stone, and he reveals that he has heard everything in his vicinity, which suddenly made all the possibilities very, very funny. He ends up staying with Fluttershy, where he puts the cottage in midair and rotates it. Yet Fluttershy says everything's fine. She must have gotten a look at his equipment and now wants some of that too. She invites us all over for a dinner party, where Discord wanted to convince Rainbow she had a food fetish, and all the candlesticks danced. At least they didn't start a song with the dishes.

Angel comes to play charades, revealing that Sweet Apple Acres was flooding again. Upon investigation, it was the beavers who haven't had enough soap in their mouths. Also, everypony knows that the beavers are under Discord's influence because of their red eyes? Well why the fuck did nopony notice Trixie's red eyes before I got my sexy ass flung out of town? Bullshit!

So Fluttershy, ever the pussy, tries to gently ask Discord to change everything back to the way it was, and to make the beavers rated G again. After making her promise to never use the Element of Kindness against him, he turns the whole orchard into an ice skating rink. Complete with a biased panel of judges. True to her word, Fluttershy doesn't use Kindness, instead, she gets pissed. Claiming that he didn't fix it, Discord instead wants her to come skating with him. Deciding to keep her promise, she doesn't accept her necklace from Spike, and instead gets ready to put her skates on. But the line is finally crossed when Discord finally thinks that he can do whatever he wants because of his friendship with her, she throws the skates and walks away. At last realizing that continuing this nonsense would cost him his friendship with the adorable cunt, he restores Sweet Apple Acres to the racist inbred paradise it was.

Fluttershy is actually quite clever. I think I get it now. If somepony likes you enough, they'll do anything for you, even change who they are, and accept that they won't always get things their way. Maybe I should start being nicer to everypony, caring about others' feelings, and perhaps people will want to spend more time with me.

Nah, screw it. Everypony sucks anyway. I don't need to change, they do.

Your former student who is set in her ways,
Twilight Sparkle

Just For Sidekicks

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Just For Sidekicks

Dear Princess Celestia,

You suck. I hate you. I mean I really, really hate you. The fact that my whole life has been nothing but slaving away for the most unappreciative cunt ever is entirely your fault. Why the hell do potential students for your school have to hatch dragon eggs anyway? And why are they not then taken and properly cared for? Why are they forced into serving their students? Or, is that just me? Certainly wouldn't surprise me. It would only make my existence even more pathetic and meaningless.

Also, I need help. My tongue is out of control. Is there some kind of Tongues Anonymous support group around here? Because it's keeping me from baking my jewel cake. So Twilight and the others are going to the Crystal Meth Empire to welcome the Head of the Equestria Games. I didn't get invited to come along, and I have no idea why. After all, I was the one who saved the Crystal Heart and thus, their entire empire.

So after an entire afternoon of critter-sitting headaches, not to mention Zecora giving one of my gems to a Filly Scout and not even getting any cookies in return, Angel hops on the train to the Crystal Meth Empire, forcing me to keep the Crusaders from jumping into a lake and giving up another gem for tickets. After they got out of control again, I had to give another rider my second to last gem. Roast rabbit is sounding really good right about now.

But then I was hit with an epiphany. Angel was desperate to get back to Fluttershy because she cared for him. She loved him. Applejack, Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow all care for and love their pets. And here I was, ignoring their needs like Twilight constantly ignores my needs.

So I guess I have to keep trying to figure out a way to seriously hurt Twilight and make it look like an accident, then make a break for it.

Either that or I'll kill myself.

Forever a slave,
Spike

Games Ponies Play

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Games Ponies Play

Dear Princess Celestia,

I cannot believe I actually paid Spike to take care of my owl. I could've had him deliver mail for Hoofwarts for an afternoon, or drop him off with that Blythe girl, I hear she's quite good with pets. Spike of course complained that he didn't get invited along, but I couldn't have him running around trying to eat the Crystal Meth citizens.

So we meet up with Cadance, and Pinkie dives into her Gak pool. After that, we go to the train station with the description of 'somepony with flower print luggage.' Did we confirm the name? Nope. Did we grab the first pony with flower luggage? Yep.

Fate would have it that the actual games inspector would get a massage with the pony from Mustangia, and tell her about our ruse of a welcome. Which, in her 'expert' opinion, amounts to the first unvarnished, unrehearsed, and unbiased appraisal of a potential host of the Equestria Games.

Except that our welcome was varnished.

And rehearsed.

And biased.

But because we gave it to the wrong pony it was none of those things. That totally makes sense.

So congratulations, Princess Cadance Not-Evil-Good-Pony. Your city won the Equestria Games. You know, I honestly think that competition should really be about the best of the best athletes. Not just the ones who haven't gone pro, because that's kind of bullshit if you ask me. Just because ponies get paid for their athleticism, doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to compete in the games. Fuck that. I'd rather make money.

Your cheerleading former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.- Rarity, you have got to make those porcupine manestyles a thing. It actually looked kinda badass.

Magical Mystery Cure

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Magical Mystery Cure

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well well well, what a conundrum I've got myself into here. I never thought I'd hear myself say these words, but I actually managed to make my friends...worse. I knew that book you sent me was bad news. That is the last time I open any book that has my name on it, because now I've got 5 tangled up destinies to deal with.

First up? Rarity is now responsible for Ponyville's weather. Normally, a checkerboard thunderstorm would be stylish, but it turns out ponies don't like getting rained on in 10-second increments. I also find it funny how the populace kinda just got pissed off, and didn't bat an eyelash at the sudden switch of their weather pony. At the very least, Daisy and Roseluck should've started another Cutie Pox scare.

So to find out what happened to Rainbow Dash, Rarity points us to Fluttersh-, I mean, Rainbow Dash's cottage. Unsurprisingly, the animal house is out of control. I noticed Gummy around there too, so, I don't even want to know what happened to Pinkie. Maybe she finally got so stoned out of her mind that he escaped.

Fluttershy is now the town's entertainer and party pony, but the party goers were unimpressed, because their regular entertainer doubles as a drug dealer. But they did get a kick out of Spike coming in the door and going 'heyyyyyyyy sexay ponies'.

Following the trail of fucked up fates took us to Sweet Apple Acres, where Pinkie is now responsible for the chores and farm labor. I find it a little odd that the rest of the Apple family was no where to be seen. Kinda like they just went “Welp, Pinkie has an apple mark, let's pack it up, folks.” I'm pretty sure Pinkie is also double-jointed because she just bent her knee fucking backwards trying to buck an apple tree. And I read a manual on house maintenance and repair, and it absolutely says to put all of your body weight onto a misaligned gutter.

Wrapping up this chaotic cuntbucket was Applejack, now making dresses in Carousel Boutique. I've got to be 100% completely honest; these articles of clothing she was making wouldn't even be suitable for the Grand Galloping Ghetto. Fax Machine and I return to the library to try and figure out what we did wrong. Turns out it's a bad idea to read passages from ancient incomplete spellbooks. Whoops.

Determined to set everything back to it's kinda-shitty normality, I catch Fluttershy just as she's preparing to move back to Cloudsdale. While she didn't think she knew anything about animals, I figured I could jog her memory if I wanted her to help a friend instead. Shame we didn't get there just a few minutes later, or we could have tried Skittles. But now I know how crucially important Fluttershy is to the town; if they don't get fed every few hours, they go on a killing spree. She is the sole reason Ponyville isn't a bloody mess. Our initial plan was to only feed the animals a small amount to stave off their hunger, then leave Rainbow there to torture her as the animals slowly became hungry again.

But then we realized we were going to need her outside to fix the weather, so, you know. That plan didn't work. We brought her outside to show that Rarity didn't know how to move clouds out of the way, because ponies don't want rain all the time. Grateful to not be lunch, Rainbow clears the skies, and then it was off to Carousel Boutique to put an end to the crime against fashion...and against things that are considered less than fashion. I mean, there are some pieces of clothing in there that I wouldn't put on mules. So we get Applejack away from the sewing machines so Rarity can return to her war crimes against fashion, creating articles of clothing that aren't even fit for, dare I say, earth ponies.

Then we all went down to Sweet Apple Acres to witness Applejack restore a dying farm in mere minutes. Oh, and her family appeared out of nowhere. If you ask me, I'd say Big Mac was in the basement torturing and raping fillies. Have no idea where the other two were. Maybe when Applejack went to her designer career, they finally decided to cut their losses and put Granny Smith in a home. It must be comforting, knowing your livelihood depends on a single dim-witted southerner.

Lastly, we had to appease the townsfolk. Because rain and the lack of a drug dealer really pisses ponies off. And all it takes is a pair of funny glasses and some poofy hair to make them forget about their poor miserable meaningless lives. So with everything fixed, we hold a parade out of nowhere. I wonder if the town marching band is just standing around waiting for random songs being sung. Then I had the greatest idea; take the book that started all this trouble and write an alternate ending, where everybody died, and the world didn't have to deal with any more sparkling characters. Seriously, we already have enough of that with the Crystal Meth Empire. So it's all in a good day. Now that I've finished that awful book, does that mean my studies in Ponyville are finally done? Wait, what the fuck are the Elements-

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh FUCK what did we do?!” Rarity screamed

“The fuck if I know! They just came on!” Pinkie replied, panic starting to set in.

“Don't point that fucking necklace at me, Pinkie! You saw what just happened! Are you high???”

“Probably” Rainbow muttered.

Meanwhile, Spike just sat in the corner.

“Would you guys chill the fuck out?”

“Why should we chill? Our elements just vaporized Twilight!”

“Yeah, exactly. Congrats. I was getting pretty tired of that stuck-up cynical bitch, and I don't see why you guys weren't.”

“We were, Spike. But we were more along the lines of sending her back up to Canterlot with the other snobs, not blast her into atoms!”

“Yeah, but this way nopony has to deal with her.”

“But she was Celestia's student!”

“She'll find someone else.”

“Yeah, potentially someone worse! That's what I was always afraid of!”

“Oh, oh what do we do what do we do what do we do?” Fluttershy asked anxiously.

“Just shut the fuck up and let me think for a minute!”

“Alright, um, you all saw it; she came at me with a knife and a really horny look in her eyes.”

“What? That's the best you can come up with? Let's say she strapped a bomb to herself and threatened to blow herself up if we didn't have sex with her. Of course, nopony is gonna have sex with a unicorn with a bomb, so we barely managed to escape the blast radius.”

“Yeah! But, you know, she's shitty at making bombs, so she just took herself out and not the library.”

“Alright, sweet. Looks like we've got our story. Now let's go tell the rest of the town. I have a feeling they're going to want to celebrate.”

“H-hello? Where the fuck am I? What is this place?”

A white figure began to materialize in the distance, blurry at first, but then became more clear.

“Congratulations, Twilight. I knew this was hopeless.”

“Princess! What the hell do you want? What did I do?”

“You did something today that's never been done before. Something even a sassy unicorn like Star Swirl the Bearded wasn't able to do. Because he cared about others in a way you never have. You have proven that there is no hope.”

“No hope? For what?”

~You're worse, than some month-old hay
And I've watched you from that very first day
To see how you might groan
To see who you can't screw
To see what you've bitched through
And all the ways you've made me pissed at you
It's time now, for a new mare to come
I'm fed up, and I can't find Luna's gun
So blow who you will blow
And never set Spike free
You'll never get any
Now it's time for you to get the fuck away from me

Dear Princess Celestia,

What. The. Fuck.

Out of fear of your retribution, we have tolerated this bitch for two years. She has tried unsuccessfully to sleep with 80% of this town. The library is supposed to be a place of learning and relaxation, and has been the most unpleasant place in a 20 mile radius ever since she arrived.

So now that we thought, that by pure chance, we finally got rid of her, you dump her back in Ponyville WITH WINGS! The entire fucking town was ready to throw the biggest celebration in it's history, and you manage to fuck it all up. And really? A Princess? You are making this racist, bigoted, stuck-up hopeless slut royalty? What the fucking hell will that accomplish?

Just goes to prove that if you fuck up the lives of five ponies, then miraculously fix it after crying on your bed, you'll get rewarded.

Damn you. Damn you to hell!

Sincerely,
Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

From now on, I will curse your name every night until my vocal chords give out, you conniving, scheming troll. I had one shot at my freedom; my patience, as I simply waited for this cunt to die, and then you increase her lifespan by tenfold. I cannot fathom why the fucking hell you would make Twilight a princess other than to fulfill the position of Royal Bitch. Sometimes it almost seems like somepony like you would already have that position.

You don't think I remember what Equestria was like eons ago? With all the pink, tea parties, smooze, seaponies, and dressing in style? History will eventually repeat itself. Sooner or later, your world will fall, and the dragons will rise up again. When that time comes, I will impale your head on a jewel-encrusted dildo for all to see.

Sleep with one eye open from now on, and thank your sun that I can't find any anthrax.

Spike

***

Memo: To Joe and Bob

I had a feeling I was going to regret making you two royal guards. You two idiots had one job. ONE. JOB. Pull Princess Twilight's carriage through the Coronation Parade route. Yet she fell out not even one hundred feet in, and you two bozos just kept going! Because everyone attending the parade obviously wants to see the CARRIAGE! Nope, they are not interested in seeing the newest royalty in Equestria at all. Just that fine glittery set of wheels.

If I catch hell for this, it's gonna be your asses.

- Coronation Parade Manager

***

Dear Twilight,

I have to make myself perfectly clear; don't you dare get any funny ideas. You are not equal with me at all, and to absolutely make sure there are no misunderstandings about that, I got myself this big-ass crown.

I am putting you in charge of Ponyville. So when that cesspool finally explodes or something, I can have somepony to blame. So go and have your fun. Luna and I have started a pool to bet on how long you last. Good luck, my unfaithful bitch. I have a feeling you're going to be needing it.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

***

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fuck yes, both of our kids are awesome!

To be perfectly honest, we were a bit worried about Twilight there for a while, but now? Pfft, what the hell do we care? She's royalty! Whoo!

Sincerely,
Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle

***

To Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy,

I, Princess Twilight, hereby decree that you are all summoned to the upper floor of the library in fifteen minutes, where you will take on a new mission for Equestria. We will study the magic of friendship with benefits. No one is leaving until all of you have tasted my liquid pride, and I finally have the satisfaction I have been craving since I can no longer remember.

Ignoring this decree is punishable by mooning.

Sincerely, Best Princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Notes:

As I close out Season 3, there are some people and groups that I absolutely have to recognize, whom helped me along the way, making Letters my most successful fanfiction, and online project to date.

I also want to mention, without naming names, the unfortunate occurrences where internet drama was had between myself and other bronies. In several cases, that drama fueled Twilight's disgruntled character. In one especially heated case, dialogue was copy-pasted directly into a chapter. Again, I will not name and shame. I am better than that.

Lastly, I want to thank each and every single reader here. If you've laid your eyes upon the words I've written here, thank you. If you've laughed, thank you again. And if you've commented and objectively criticized, once again, thank you.

Your faithful fanfic author,
Jake aka 'milesprower06'

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Golden Oaks Library Scandal!

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
GOLDEN OAKS LIBRARY SCANDAL!

A political corruption scandal has arisen in the weeks following Princess Twilight Sparkle's coronation. After tapping Mayor Mare's can-on-a-string, the Canterlot Bureau of Investigation has implicated the mayor in a conspiracy to sell off the vacated seat of Ponyville Librarian to the highest bidder

Recordings of Mare reportedly saying: “I've got this thing, it's fucking golden, and I'm not letting go for fuckin' nothin'.”

There are also allegations that the library is haunted, as numerous ponies have reported moaning and creaking noises coming from the top floor.

Several ponies also question whether there is really a critical need for a librarian.

“Hardly anypony in this town reads. It would be quite boring sitting in there all day. I think the only reason Twilight put up with it was because there weren't any visitors to interrupt her furious clopping sessions” offered Rose, one of the town's flourists.

The Foal Free Press was able to get a hold of Princess Twilight for comment.

“Those noises were various studies on friendship, pay them no mind. Besides, I'm not going anywhere, so why would we need a new librarian?”

No corruption charges are expected to be brought against Mayor Mare, because to be honest, no one really cares.

NEXT ISSUE:
Scootaloo given one week detention for possession of wing-enhancing drugs; Pinkie Pie under investigation.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Ponyville With A Princess

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PONYVILLE WITH A PRINCESS

As nearly all locals are now aware, Ponyville has been the residence of Equestria's newest Princess, Twilight Sparkle, after her official coronation took place in Canterlot. Several locals were hopeful that Twilight would pack up and move to Canterlot, but in our first interview, Twilight had announced her intentions to stay in town, not only as a Princess, but also remaining the town's librarian. We gathered various opinions on how some locals believed Ponyville would change with local royalty.

“I'm beginning to wonder what Twilight is the Princess of. You know, how Celestia is the Princess of the Sun, Luna is the Princess of the Night, and Cadance, the Princess of Love. Actually, maybe Twilight is another Princess of Love, but the bad, awkward kind of love. Cadance is the good love, where she gets ponies to like each other. Twilight just doesn't give a buck, she just wants a good rutting,” said Lyra, self-appointed leader of the Truth About Mythological Anthromorphs movement.

“At first I thought it would be funny, seeing as how Pegasi and Alicorns can't hide their, um...arousal. But then of course I realized that even as a Unicorn, Twilight made no effort to hide it, she was very forward. Everypony could tell when she wanted some, which was most of the time,” offered Aloe, co-proprietor of Ponyville Spa.

“I find Twilight to be a very passionate, sensual study partner. I enjoy our study sessions every night at six. In fact, I'd like to see if we can add some more partners. So if there are any handsome stallions looking to brush up on some reading, please feel free to come by the library tomorrow at six. We could really use the help getting this problem solved,” close friend Applejack stated, curiously winking a lot during that last sentence.

“Yes, absolutely, Twilight is an incredible librarian! If you donate enough money to the library, it's amazing how your legal troubles just disappear!” Pinkie Pie happily offered.

We here at the Foal Free Press can't help but wonder with Twilight's...ever-so-slightly disgruntled personality, that she may try to stage a hostile takeover of Equestria akin to what Luna attempted around a millennium ago.

“Of course not. It is my intention to stay in town and keep things running as smoothly as possible. I'm trying to make my former mentor lose a bet,” Twilight said to our journalist upon exiting The Naughty Mare, just inside town limits.

In other news, Scootaloo has reportedly been scared straight, after local Pegasus Snowflake visited Ponyville Juvenile Correctional Facility to show young fillies what can happen when you abuse wing steroids.

“It's really great here. The food is actually a bit warmer than it is at the orphanage,” she told us from the visitation window.

While she claims she has learned her lesson, she has to serve her sentence of two months, but not if we have anything to say about it.

Stay tuned for the next issue, where we will hopefully be reporting to you with our cutie marks in Juvy Hall Jailbreaking.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Shawflank Redemption

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
THE SHAWFLANK REDEMPTION

We here at the Foal Free Press have discovered that it is a tricky endeavor to smuggle in items needed for a prison break. We were stopped at the metal detector, which really sucked because we figured we were home free after successfully getting through the bullshit detector. But we suppose it's just as well. If we made it through the metal detector, I don't think Sweetie Belle would have made it through the Sentience Scanner.

Regardless of the “horror stories” that come out of Ponyville Juvenile Correctional Facility (I really don't understand what is so scary about ponies who can't hold on to their bars of soap), Scootaloo claims she is enjoying life “in the joint”, claiming she's now worth two packs of cigarettes. I can't help but wonder if she's gotten involved in the warden's bit laundering scheme. I hear he also has really shitty anti-virus software in another dimension.

So now that our first idea failed, Sweetie Belle suggested getting sent to juvy herself, and came up with an ingenious escape plan that she would put into an extremely intricate tattoo all over her body. We scrapped that idea too, once I told her that with how long the tattoo would take to get made, in addition with how long it would take her to get into the prison due to Equestria's judicial system, that Scootaloo would be out by then. The final nail in the coffin was when I told her that the prison nurse wasn't into filly unicorns either.

So leaving Scootaloo to her last comfortable month of incarceration, Sweetie Belle and I scratched our skulls wondering what to do, because aside from reporting on the latest and greatest happening around Ponyville, our days are mostly filled with making fun of an orphaned pegasus who can't fly. Maybe we can actually get press passes for the castle now. We were kind of forbidden from coming within 500 yards of the castle when we released Discord a year-and-a-half ago, but now that he's released again and reformed, maybe Celestia and Luna have had a change of heart. More on that later!

NEXT ISSUE:
EXCLUSIVE INSIDE SCOOP: DISCORD, CHAOS MASTER OR LOWLY SEXUAL SERVANT?

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Exclusive! Discord Explains It All!

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
EXCLUSIVE! DISCORD EXPLAINS IT ALL!

Good day to you, Equestria. Discord, Master of all things chaos at your service. I understand that some ponies have been wanting to better understand what it is that I do here in Canterlot ever since my reforming. I will also be taking this time to squash some of the more common and annoying rumors about what it is that I do here. So away we go!

The most common rumor of my reforming is that Celestia was beginning to get bored, and wanted some more interesting action in the sack. I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is simply not the case. As historians may recall, I was turned to stone for a reason. The most common false theory was because of all the chaos I was causing around Equestria. You know, ponies howling at the moon, and sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon, and all that. Not true. After getting permission from the Foal Free Press to cast a spell on this article to make it invisible to Celestia's eyes, I can now come forward with the truth.

I was stoned because I cheated on Celestia. Why? Because she's not that great in bed. Yes, it's true. You heard it here. The Princess that raises your sun every morning and sets it every evening is actually a pretty pathetic lover. Every so often she finds somepony who is equally hopeless in sexual endeavors and selects them as a student; perhaps to show the young filly or colt that you can really suck at the bow-chika-bow-wow and still grow up to be the ruler of a nation. Well, she can fool herself all she wants in her little fantasy world, but sex is where it's at. So one night, I went over to her sister's room. Let me tell you; Luna has got it going on.

As the Princess of the Night, Luna has access to some seriously steamy stuff. I believe she recently tried to break into the pornography industry using Twilight Sparkle's cream dreams. But ever since she became an alicorn, Twilght has installed DRM on her sexual fantasies, so they are essentially useless to Luna. But that long oh-so-long ago. She was just so good...I mean she made my goat leg go numb. Apparently we were so loud that Celestia came to investigate. Let's just say that I stayed hard for the better part of a millennium. So she puts me in the castle courtyard, and flings Luna to the moon. I was insanely jealous of the moon. It was gonna be getting some for the next thousand years. Some wonder how she turned me to stone. No, it wasn't a spell of hers or the Elements of Harmony. She tied me down to the bed and fucked me with a cockatrice.

So how did we come to amicable terms upon my reforming? I clearly stated that we were over, and that I would continue to see Luna, and I highly suggested that she take tips from her younger sister, so that she can one day make an unwilling pony very awkward and uncomfortable. Other than that, I haven't really done anything significant yet. I think Celestia's still a bit mad. All I can do is bide my time and rail the sexiest mare in Equestria while I wait.

I hope this provided a good look into just how funny life here at the castle can be.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Return of Queen Chrysalis, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Lost Letters
The Return of Queen Chrysalis: Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, this mishap began with Appleblow, Sweetie Hell, and Scootalonely out in Fluttershy's backyard with all manner of woodland creatures, trying to get their cutie marks in hippology, which is the study of horses. Funny, I always thought the title of that was Rule 34. With no adult supervision whatsoever, they find themselves overwhelmed with animals.

So because glowing eyes are the least ominous thing to us, it takes us the better part of the day to realize that the populace has been replaced with Changelings. Retreating to the library, we immediately send a letter to you and basically get your answering machine. Pinkie gets us all stoned, which gives us the perfect changeling appearance. We make our way to the town pavilion, which is basically hive central. You know, because of the glowing green coming out of the windows. Confronting the changelings inside, do we come up with a good plan like only fighting ourselves? No. Rarity gives Pinkie's mane a beautifying treatment, and then treats her clones like last year's fashion line. Because clearly, nothing motivates her more. We weren't making enough progress, so Pinkie breaks out her Party Cannon, loaded with her Super-Sticky Double-Bubble Bubble Gum cake batter.

Say, where was your cake batter at the wedding, you junkie? We actually could've saved the day instead of having my brother and that slut wife of his stealing the spotlight. After releasing all the captured ponies, Fax Machine burps up a crystal globe, revealing that Queen Chrysalis had somehow hacked into him and gained remote access. She gives us three days to walk into a trap to rescue the three village idiots.

So instead of negotiating, you know, with the dozens of captured changelings we have, we put Spike in charge of harassing you until he gets a response, and we set off on a cross-country voyage to save the three fillies who would honestly be better off dead.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Discord's New Business

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
DISCORD'S NEW BUSINESS

Sensing that there wasn't much he could do around the castle without either annoying Celestia, making Luna moan with lust, or sometimes both, Lord of Chaos Discord decided to form a new business venture.

“I noticed that Pegasi have flying stunt shows with the Wonderbolts and such, and unicorns have duels and magic acts, and I came to the realization that Earth ponies don't really have a unique form of entertainment. So that's something I set out to rectify.”

Two months ago, Discord created Equine Wrestling Entertainment, or the EWE. He invited Earth ponies of all backgrounds, regardless of Cutie Mark, to come and train to become professional wrestlers. Shows were filled with 1 on 1 matches, and tag team matches. Add in the flair and pyrotechnics of the wrestler's entrances, and it became a smash hit with all races of ponies.

“We've even got ponies who are coming to us from entirely unrelated career paths. We've got the Rated R Gardener, Hedge. We've got the former basement designer, The Undermaker. Even the former Awesome Porn Star, The Jizz. It's a great lineup, and I can't wait to see how far we can go with this.”

But when it got big enough, the EWE inevitably got its critics.

“I now hear all the time, that pro wrestling is fake, that it doesn't hurt and that we're nothing more than glorified stunt ponies. To all the neighsayers out there, I say this; you don't fake gravity. My ponies go out there week in, week out until they can't do it anymore. They are fantastic athletes, and I'll continue to schedule shows as long as it brings in the bits.” Discord offered.

Addendum: Twilight Sparkle got in contact with us just before the printing of this issue, and claimed that you could indeed, fake gravity.

Author's Notes:

Yeah, this isn't Part 2 of the Chrysalis comic. That's still in-progress. This was sudden inspiration and I had to do it.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Summer Sun Celebration

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

SUMMER SUN CELEBRATION

Dear Princess Celestia,

So the Summer Sun Celebration is rapidly approaching, and I wanted to tell you how excited I am for it. After that whole mess with Nightmare Moon, Ponyville's first celebration went off so well that they're getting it again this year. I wanted to know if there's anything I can do to help. Preparing for this event is no small task. Thanks, and I hope to hear from you!

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Spike,

Twilight is heading up the Summer Sun Celebration, so I'm not really the one to ask. I imagine if she doesn't have enough volunteers, she would force the work onto you, or brainwash more ponies into helping her.

Regards,
Princess Celestia

Dear Spike,

I know you said you could attend any event you wanted that was not considered 'official', but I'm afraid there's been a change. Since my coronation, any royal event in Ponyville automatically falls under my jurisdiction. Celestia had things set up separately before, but since it's a Ponyville event again, it's going to work by my No Non-Equines Policy. This is a non-discriminate action. I will be removing Cranky from the event as well.

Sorry, but please do not try to show to the event. You will be turned away at the door.

-Twilight

Twilight,

So I suppose that's why you haven't been enlisting my help in preparing, huh? Because you don't want to feel obligated to let me participate in the festivities? The one time I actually WANT to help you, you turn me away because you don't want me at your event?

Have you created a machine that runs on dragon tears, and are looking to collect a fuel source?

Fuck you, your Royal Bitchness

To Spike,

I know that tolerating Twilight can be...difficult at times, but if you're looking for something to do on the night of the SSC, might I recommend a EWE show? We're coming to Ponyville on the same night. We're gonna have some of your favorite superstars there, like Macho Mare Candy Savage, and the most electrifying chef in all of entertainment, The Wok.

I imagine, given your experience, you would enjoy seeing ponies beating the crap out of each other. So I have enclosed two VIP backstage passes for you and Cranky, both for Buckdown and Monday Night Dawww.

Hope to see you there!

Sincerely,
Discord
EWE General Manager

Author's Notes:

Comments complaining about hiatus status will be removed. Enough said.

Anniversary Bonus Chapter: Letters to Twilight

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Anniversary Bonus Chapter
Letters to Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Do you even lift?

Signed,
Rainbow87dash

Dear Rainbow87dash,

I don't need to lift. I can lift with my mind. Any other fucking stupid questions you want to ask me? My time is even more damned valuable now that I'm royalty.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Now that you are a princess, what is your stance on illegal immigration? I've noticed a lot of foreign races who can just waltz right into the kingdom. Among these being griffons, cows, donkeys, mules, and the diamond dogs. Also, Equestrian Air Space appears to allow dragons to fly right overhead by the hundreds where they might be able to incinerate the kingdom with a bombardment of fire breath.

I sincerely hope you'll do better at National Security than Princess Celestia did.

Sincerely, a concerned unicorn citizen,
Epic Quest

To my faithful subject Epic Quest,

While I am flattered at what you believe has happened since I have been promoted, sadly, I have no say on National Security. My domain is Ponyville, but should you choose to move here, rest assured that while these lowly races may appear bothersome, they do have their uses. While I haven't seen a griffon since Gilda left two years ago, I'd be more than willing to partake in some target practice if I ever see one again. Cows are valuable only for their boobs and the milk in them. Donkeys and mules do the heavy cart pulling that would otherwise be given to those filthy dirt-loving earth ponies. Apparently, the only thing you need to do to keep dogs away is whine like a bitch. They seem to hate that.

As for your concern of dragons, the great dragon migration to Tamriel was indeed a worrisome time. I was not worried about being incinerated, rather I was concerned about being shat on by one of those passing fuckheads.

So I recommend you direct your security complaints to the Sun Bitch herself. Thank you for your time.

-Twilight

So...Twilight,

Ever think of looking to...other species for that special release you've been craving?

If you know what I mean.

Sincerely,
Jioplip

Dear Bitchy McBitchybitch,

I was wondering when you could come to our world so I could rape your bitch ass and send you crying to Celestia?

With love,
Stirred Brew

Dear Princess Twilight,

If you can't get the satisfaction you crave from ponies, then might I suggest finding yourself a human instead? Lots of endurance means more satisfaction.

And it just so happens that I know a guy who can help: Me. I mean, come on, have you seen the crap I write about you?!

Your loyal servant,
GeodesicDragon

Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered a portal to another world as the answer to your problems? Maybe you just need a nice relaxing (and sex filled) vacation away from those bubling ponies that can't seem to trot five steps without getting into trouble.

Sincerely yours,
SuperPinkBrony12

P.S. If you want me to screw you then I'll do so but you'd better use protection. And you should make sure no one finds out about it. But that's a big if.

Dear Jioplip, Stirred Brew, GeodesicDragon, and SuperPinkBrony12,

I'm sorry. I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. Special release? How about you try ANY release! And from your collective inter-dimensional correspondence, I'll assume that Jioplip means humans, as the rest of you do.

And to all of you, I say; are you fucking kidding me? I'm not sure what species you guys are, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't know the chance your taking when you try to love one of those...bipeds.

First off, have you seen how small the genitalia of the males are? I doubt I'd get any special OR normal release from them pounding me...even if they managed to last longer than 20 seconds, which I sincerely doubt.

Secondly, even if I lowered myself to engaging in intercourse with those disgusting creatures, protection is not a concern. The differing number of chromosomes make impregnation impossible.

The crap you write about me, Geodesic? You'd better hope that none of it finds it way into this dimension.

Lastly, I don't think they could handle the flawless sexual prowess that is my body. Hell, if they even saw a provocative picture of me they'd probably blow their load everywhere.

So in short, no. No humans.

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

So...you're an alicorn now. You have the best of all three pony races. What was that about unicorn superiority?

Sincerely,
asmcint

Dear asmcint,

Unicorns who became alicorns are still superior to pegasi who became alicorns. Simply because we have to put more effort into it. Pegasi have to grow only one extra penis out of their forehead; we have to push TWO wings out of our backs.

Hope that answers your question.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you don't like the zegro, why don't you kill her? I doubt anyone would notice, and that way you could have one less minority around.

Your suggestive slave,
DeadlyArbitero

Dear DeadlyArbitero,

Zecora has her uses. To me, the most important thing is she brews up some seriously good shit. Not to worry. She knows her place. If she ever gets uppity, I have ways of making her fall back in line.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Since you have the magical prowess of an alicorn demigod, why not use it to get a well-deserved hot piece of flank? Or just use your powers to summon your own, er...pleasure assistant?

Sincerely,
Admiral Hoofsome

To Admiral Hoofsome,

Not to worry. I have my eyes set on five particular pleasure assistants of mine. I'm actually expecting them soon.

And the thought of me making love to myself is...well, somewhat arousing at times, but I'd prefer to have somepony do it that's not an apparition that will vanish when not needed. I'd rather it be a real pony who will forever know what an amazing lover I can be.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Use your authority to “order” several guards to assist you with that release you crave.

Sincerely,
Leech

Dear Leech,

Unfortunately, I have not yet had my own detachment of guards assigned to me. There are still only the Solar Guards and the Night Watch. But I will keep that in mind, my faithful subject.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Fuck you. That's for the time you turned me into a fucking dildo, you heartless jezebel.

Signed,
Go fuck yourself

Dear Go fuck yourself,

So I'm guessing it wasn't good for you too? Well gosh, that's a shame.

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered joining the EWE?

Sincerely,
Joey

Dear Joey,

No. Physical contact sports aren't really my thing. Besides, while Pegasi are welcome to join with restrained wings during matches, Discord has forbidden all unicorns for safety reasons.

Besides, I don't think I could come up with a fitting ring name.

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

If you've ever been able to get your hooves on a stallion or two, do you prefer to spit or swallow?

Signed,
Eager to please

Dear Eager to please,

Are you crazy? I'm not gonna swallow! I just got promoted to royalty. I don't want that to come to an end by getting pregnant!

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Hm, princess. Enjoying the title, or is it just another bland addition to what you've already got (Element of Magic, etc, etc)? I suppose that one could say the position's really difficult, but hey, princesses do what princesses want.

A shame you're still stuck in the boonies, but on the bright side, there's no one around to challenge you, at least no one that can walk away afterwards.

Good luck finally getting some, and have fun with the SSC.

Your Casual Bystander,
~Kailandi

P.S.
Maybe you should get a hobby or something. I hear Discord has a blast trolling Celestia, why not get in on some of that? I'm sure Luna might be willing to lend a hoof as well.

Dear Kailandi,

My official title is now the Princess of Magic. Yes, correct, I do what I want.

As long as I've been living in and tolerating this place, it's about damn time I was put in charge of it.

Yes, I am hoping the SSC goes well too, but Discord's EWE show is stealing some of my attendees. I'm honestly not surprised. These hicks love to see fake fights.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight:

Have you considered a brothel as an option? It would certainly be easier than trying to fuck ponies off the street and failing miserably.

Or maybe Cloud Kicker would be willing to service you, since she's already fucked one Princess.

Yours truly,
Silver Dust

Dear Silver Dust,

Who says I haven't tried brothels? I mean, just because I didn't write it in a damn letter to Celestia?

Apparently, I'm too depressing to even pay for sex.

You want to know what I think? I think trying to get a princess off makes those whore ponies too nervous, and it affects their performance.

Whatever, I have plans for my friends. Don't you worry.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Author's Notes:

Thanks for writing these in, everypony! And as always, thanks for reading! It's been one heck of a year with all of you!!!

Anniversary Bonus Chapter: The Cupcake Chronicles

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Anniversary Bonus Chapter
The Cupcake Chronicles

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, apparently Pinkie Pie has been butchering ponies down in the basement of Sugar Cube Corner for months now. That's...not surprising at all.

What? She's been doing every single drug known to ponydom! Why the fuck is the town so shocked that she'd do something like this?

So because Applejack had made a date with Rainbow Dash to have some apple pie, which would no doubt lead to lovemaking, she became worried when her rainbow slut didn't come calling. She started asking all around town, and just happened to be passing Sugar Cube Corner when she heard Rainbow scream. Freaking out because she thought Pinkie was giving her one hell of a orgasm, she rushed into the basement and kicked Pinkie into a table for ruining her night. She rushed Rainbow to the hospital because she didn't want to fuck a corpse.

So one of the hospital staff gets a message out to the rest of us. I can't believe I had to get up at 3 in the morning, because I REALLY CARE what happens to that lespony. But she can't fly anymore, so at least fellow Pegasi are safe from her sexual predation. That's a good thing I suppose. So the next morning, we're finally let into her room. To be honest, she looked kinda pathetic. If she was on life support, I probably would've pulled the plug.

So then she wakes up and realizes she can't fly, does a little crying, and then we're told to let her rest. So I thought that I could finally get back to the library for some peace. Nope. Rarity wants me to set up a meeting with you so she can set up a meeting with the Wonderbolts so she can make a present for Rainbow Dash. Yep. You heard that right. Someone I don't care about wants me to set up a meeting with someone I don't care about, so she can make a present for someone I don't care about.

You know what she ended up making? A fucking hoodie. I didn't know Equestria's copyright laws were that strict. But I did think it was deliciously cruel. It was like she wanted to remind her of her dream that she wasn't ever going to be able to fulfill now. Ingenious! No wonder her heart is so cold; it's probably encrusted with jewels.

So still wanting to get some, Applejack offers Rainbow a place to stay.

That's another thing. Rainbow Dash is mutilated to within an inch of her life, and she's let out of the hospital in THREE days? Give me a fucking break! I know Pegasi don't heal that fucking quickly. I just think AJ bribed some of the hospital staff so she could get a torture victim alone in bed.

So a few nightmares, traumatized fillies, and swims later, Rainbow decides that she can suddenly run a marathon. What's more? She wins. So this town is really out of shape. I mean, everypony lost to a pony who had part of her leg eaten. I need to organize a fat camp, as soon as possible, because that's just sad.

So as more days pass, Rainbow starts feeling sorry for the pony who tried to bake her into cupcakes. She comes to talk to me, and tells me that she thinks that it's all her fault because it all started with planning her surprise birthday party. Actually, that sounds pretty accurate. So good job, Rainbow Dash. You are responsible for the deaths of a dozen ponies. Hope that makes you feel better. Oh, nope. It didn't. Now she has this idea of taking our shitty fountain in the middle of town and making it more shitty by dedicating it to the victims of Pinkie. Then Mrs. Cake decided she was sick and tired of taking care of a dead serial killer's pet, so she dumped him off on Rainbow.

Sometime after the fountain's dedication, Applejack was having trouble making the first move. So she waited for Rainbow to after a long day of work. There they were, just sitting on the dock, and then bam. Kiss. Are you fucking kidding me? No buildup, no nothing! Then they ran back to the farmhouse and made love. I hear that no one makes love better than a torture victim.

Then just they're moving past it all, Luna shows up and gives Rainbow Dash the journal that Pinkie had kept. This made her sick. Oh joy. Great job, Luna.

So the next day, Applejack and Rainbow do a delivery to a grocer, and apparently he doesn't like doing business with ponies whom he can't force his right wing Celestian beliefs on. Rainbow precedes to shatter his front window, and the townsfolk take Rainbow's side as she ushers in a new age of equality for all ponies and all that stupid crap.

After his business suffers, Rainbow refuses Marty's apology, and proceeds to have another fuckfest with Applejack in the orchard, which Pinkie's ghost crashes. All of Ponyville is rocked by an earthquake. Thankfully that shitty fountain was reduced to rubble. After consulting Zecora, who told us to consult the 'good' Pinkie, we finally had our key; we had to destroy the journal of Tom Ridd- err, I mean Pinkie.

So after all that, Rainbow gets her wings back as Pinkie's good half vanishes. Happy fucking ending, whoopty-fuckin' doo. So now they've dragged me along to do a year's worth of shows with the Wonderbolts. I imagine that at the end of every night they two of them had fillyfooler sex.

Lucky cunts. Why can't I ever get that lucky?

Your former student giving sex advice to a redneck,
Twilight Sparkle

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Are You A Spy?

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
ARE YOU A SPY?

Controversy is sweeping across Equestria in light of a widespread surveillance program, revealed by a Pegasus whistleblower by the name of Flash Sentry.

Sentry gave his name freely to the Foal Free Press along with hundreds of documents relating to Project PRISM, or Princesses Ruthlessly and Intrusively Spying on Mail. Since revealing this surveillance program, Flash Sentry has since fled Equestria. There have been reported sightings of him in Hoof Kong's international chariot terminal. It is heavily rumored that he is looking to flee to Horsecow.

“This is a disturbing invasion of privacy, and Equestrians should be holding their government accountable.” Sentry said in a statement to the FFP.

The Foal Free Press has learned that Sentry has been in touch with countries that may grant him asylum. He hopes that Gilda, the newly appointed ambassador for Griffondor can convince the country's leadership to give him safe passage. Other reports claim he was last seen jumping into a mirror in the Crystal Castle to evade arrest.

“Mr. Sentry is a traitor, has severely compromised our national security, and thus put Equestrian lives at risk.” said Crystal Princess Cadance, claiming PRISM is essential to preventing terrorist attacks on domestic soil.

While some are calling for Sentry's head on charges of treason, others find themselves on the other side of the fence.

“Sentry is a national hero. Project PRISM is a direct assault on our rights of free speech and privacy.” Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie claimed.

Yet among this controversy, some remain completely indifferent.

“The Princesses can spy on my mail all they want. All they'll find is spa invoices and a monthly subscription to Playmare,” stated Rarity as she passed on her way to Carousel boutique.

Equestria Girls

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Equestria Girls

Dear Princess Celestia,

You sure know how to put on a Princess Summit. First, make everyone come up north instead of going to the center of the country. Then, have a grand entrance for me, complete with a trumpet fanfare, and then proceed to tell everypony to go to bed thirty seconds later. What was this summit for anyway? Am I finally going to get a proper place to rule over instead of the Kingdom of Suck?

Also, thank you so much for putting Rainbow Dash and Applejack together in the same room. Thank you for making it right next to mine. All they did was rail each other all night. I couldn't get to sleep because I couldn't control my wingboner. I knew I was out of luck because Fax Machine wouldn't be able to get me off either. Useless dragon.

I've also got to hand it to Cadance on the fabulous security she has here. I mean, we've got every single ruler of Equestria sleeping under one roof, and there's only one guard patrolling the halls. I'd hate to see what would happen if somepony snuck in under a cardboard box or something.

So after I finally get to sleep, somepony sneaks in and takes my crown right off the night stand, replacing it with one of those cardboard ones from the Hay King filly meals. They probably would've gotten away with it if Fax Machine didn't sprawl out over the edges of his bed. So we give chase, and I manage to tackle her at ta dead end. Except it's not a dead end. The crown goes through the mirror, and the thief promptly goes after it. Instead of following her and solving this thing right away, I had to first go get you and find out what the hell was going on.

So hold on a minute. Let's back the fuck up here. This thief, Sunset Shimmer, was your student right before me? I'm...I'm just sloppy seconds? And instead of running off to some backwater town of hicks when she finally gets sick of your shit, she crosses over into an alternate plane of existence?

Why didn't I think of that?

So now I have to go after her, because nopony had the foresight to make a useless replica of my crown stictly for ceremonial purposes. And I have to go alone, of course. I can't force my friends along in case I need a meat shield or two. Nope, we have to be careful not to “upset the balance” of this other world. Doesn't anypony want to screw up the balance of another realm just once? Just to see what happens? No?

That's what's wrong with all of you. You have no sense of fun when it comes to inter-dimensional crises.

So I go through the mirror portal, and because my slave conditioning worked so well that he has no purpose without his mistress, Spike follows me shortly after. When I come to, I discover that Spike has turned into a dog, and I...have transformed into a hornless, wingless, magicless, purple-skinned, bi-pedal, anorexic marketing ploy. What. The. Fuck.

After testing the integrity of the doors with my face, I head inside, and discover that the portal has dropped me off at a school. It doesn't take long to discern that this Canterlot High is an alternate plane of Equestria. There's even been a dictator running this school for over a millennium, no doubt after wrestling control away from the Marching Band director and turning him to stone.

The first of my anthropomorphized friends I run into is Fluttershy, who managed to take the crown and give it to Principal Celestia before Sunset Shimmer returned. After visiting with the principal, I realized I would need to compete for the title of Princess of the Fall Formal, and who is in charge of signing people up? Why Pinkie Pie of course. Yeah, their names are exactly the same. So either this world is a direct parallel of Equestria, or humans are as screwed up at naming as we ponies are. Pinkie gave me a clipboard to fill out for the competition. Did you know she has pens stashed all over the school in case of pen emergencies? Then Applejack and her brother come in with the cider for the formal. If it is anything like her cider in Equestria, then this school has a serious problem.

From talking with some of them, I begin to realize that there is some obvious tension between these versions of my friends. But in order to secure votes for Princess, I can't worry about them. So in order to blend in better, I head to the library to find out more about their society. That was an adventure all its own. The books were alright, and tasted pretty good too, but once I found this place called the Internet...just...there are very few words to describe the horrors I discovered. For example, did you know in this world, there are adults who watch cartoons for little girls? How twisted is that? I bet there are even some freaks out there that sexualize it or their pleasure. And don't even get me started on these pages called “social networking sites.” It enables even the stupidest, most uninformed people to spread their worthless, meaningless opinions. I even gave Spike's mechanical counterpart in this world a try. Sure, it was a little bright, not to mention considerably bigger, but at least it didn't talk back. I don't have to keep it fed either. I'm totally taking this thing back through the portal.

So I'm at that all day, and then I realized that I didn't have a place to stay for the night. But for once, it seemed that Fax machine actually managed to accomplish something, perhaps because he feared for his single purpose in life. Since there were no security cameras, and the physical security was even more terrible than Cadance's, he constructed a bed made entirely of books. I then delve into a yearbook, and realize that when they first came to school here, that my five friends were at one point friends with each other. What could have driven them apart, and more importantly, could I also emulate those conditions back in Equestria?

But that's not the best part. That night, laying there alone, I discovered the best part of being a human. The things that I could do with these fingers! They were SO much better than hooves. When I get back home, I'm going to try to create a spell that gives me these babies every night. I will never need anypony ever again.

So the next morning, I get up determined to pass as a popular human in high school. I figured it would be easy; just put out. Spike seemed surprised that I made a list, that it was so unlike me. You're right Spike. It is unlike me, because I usually make you do it! But as I walked the halls, all they did was laugh at me. I was clueless until Rarity dragged me into a classroom and attempted to disguise me to no avail. My other friends came in and recognized me instantly, much to Rarity's annoyance. Pinkie showed me an online video showing Sunset narrating my admittedly humorous attempts at adapting to this new body. I could not believe she was starting to use political attack ads on me! Then as they started arguing with each other again, I was able to break it up and determine that Sunset Shimmer had split my friends up, and separated the student body into easily-controlled cliques, which is how she remained intimidating and relatively unopposed.

In short, that bitch is fucking brilliant. If she didn't steal from me we'd probably be best friends. I wonder if she's any good in bed. But first I'd have to find out if she's a fillyfooler, or whatever they're called in this world. There was certainly no shortage of them on the Internet, I'll tell you that much.

So we had to restore my image. But first I had a great idea for some potentially hilarious fun. Since we determined that Sunset Shimmer was behind all the feuds, Applejack and Rainbow included, I convinced AJ to make up. I figure this could end in one of two ways; one good , one bad, and both end up with the two of them rolling around on the field.

So as they talked, I was honestly expecting Bad Outcome: Catfight on the Soccer Field. But then they hugged, so I figured were were headed towards Good Outcome: Make Up and Make Out. But then I realized this place was a perfect mirror of Equestria because they weren't romantically involved at all. Sucks. I was hoping for a show. But they just hugged and that was it. So before she agrees to help, Rainbow challenges me to a soccer game. I wish I had my magic, because I would have totally kicked her ass. But it turns out she just wanted to test my determination. So then we go to some place called Starbucks. We didn't have to go far, seriously, they're on every corner. After spilling my drink on that cutie Flash, Rarity reveals that he was Sunset's ex, and had broken up with her several weeks prior. So I'm guessing she's not that great in bed. Oh come on, like it could be anything else? Guys only have their minds on one thing in this world. It's the exact same thing they have their minds on back home. Still, if he wanted to get in bed with me, I probably wouldn't object. He does resemble Shining Armor, after all.

So we begin to debate on how to win the students over. Rarity sees this as a perfect opportunity to hock some of her merchandise. She must make a killing at conventions. So overnight, we planned, wrote, and choreographed the catchiest song ever. The next day, the cafeteria crowd absolutely ate it up. That damn song is going to be stuck in my head for hours.

So Sunset's next move was to show off her amazing Photoshop skills, trying to make it look like I trashed the gym. Seriously. Security cameras. They do wonders. Luckily Flash was still looking to get in my skirt, because he gathered evidence from the library trash, clearing my name. Unfortunately, because of the vandalism, the Formal was bumped up to the night after the portal closed. So I panicked, making Flash think I rejected him. I go to my friends, revealing that I'm a namby pamby pony princess. Well, actually, Pinkie said all that. They were surprisingly cool with it. Honestly it wasn't the way I would have revealed my true form. If I had it my way, I would have gotten Flash in bed, things would get hot and heavy, then when everything was said and done, I'd lean in close and whisper in his ear, “You just fucked a pony.”

So we go back to the gym, where Pinkie laments about her lack of a party cannon. In hindsight, I probably could have gone back through the portal, gotten pony Pinkie's cannon and brought it to the gym. So after hitting Fluttershy in the head with a broom, we set to work. Pretty soon, we had half of the school helping. Once we're all set up, Principal Celestia applauds us on saving the school's budget from cleanup costs. So on their way out, everyone casts their votes, and we all go to slut ourselves up.

So the dance begins, and on my way in, Flash asks me again for a dance. He must really want some. I'll lead him on a bit, but I'm already in a relationship. With my fingers.

Everything goes smoothly up until I am given the crown and title of Fall Formal Princess. Snips and Snails proceed to snatch Spike and run outside, where Sunset is waiting by the portal with a sledgehammer. She demands the crown, or threatens to smash the portal. I don't really see how that would have been possible. I think all she would have accomplished is cracking somepony's skull on the other side. Which, honestly, would be hilarious.

So I figure I have two options: 1. Track down my human counterpart in this world, kill her, and hide the body. I proceed to forget about Equestria and live life as a human. 2. Rush Sunset and go through the portal, shattering the mirror on the other side.

Ah, but then there's the hidden third option: be a fucking hero, recklessly toss the crown around and accidentally throw it right to Sunset. She puts it on and transforms into a demon. Personally, I loved that part. “I'm not a monster, Twilight,” she said. Two minutes later, monster. She brainwashes the student body and reveals her true plan: to invade Equestria with her teenage army.

Really...? Because I'd love to watch her do that. She seriously thinks that 50 teenagers can help her conquer Equestria? I'm sure you and Luna have never encountered the unstoppable power of acne and body odor. So go ahead. I'll go get popcorn. If I were a true human I'd be insulted. She wants to conquer another world instead of the human one. Guess what bipeds? That means your world sucks pretty bad.

But then again, why should I let her carry out what would probably be remembered as the most hilarious attack on Equestria? Why not kick her bitch ass right now? Sure, you have teens and fireballs. But now behold the power of pony ears, horns, wings, and hair extensions! Wait...wait, what? No horns? Ah fuck that shit.

I'd actually love to know what the Elements of Harmony actually do. Because that's the second time in my memory where someone got blasted with it then emerged in remorseful tears. Also, how do you control what they do? When you used them, they turned Sombra to shadow, encased Discord in stone, and shot your sister to the moon. When we've used them, two times out of three we've only managed to perform exorcisms. Is there a switch on this thing I'm not seeing? Do the Elements do the judging themselves? Do they see if they can remove someone's bitterness and jealousy, and if not, THEN decides to unleash the rainbow buttsex laser? Anyways, I figured since the human counterparts to my friends were pretty much the same, that the greatest punishment would be to leave Sunset with them.

So now that we have six pony human hybrids, and a demolished entrance to the school, guess what we do next? Fuck yeah, time to go back inside and finish the fucking dance! Let's boogey the night away and forget all about the fate of the world hanging in the balance there five minutes ago. When you get set to leave the dance, please watch your step, as there is a crater where the front walk used to be.

After I say my goodbyes, I make my way back through the portal. Sunset, you are in for a world of hurt. When their government finds out what happened, they're going to abduct you and experiment to see if they can harness your demon powers for their military. All in the name of freedom and all that shit.

So all in all, thanks for that little departure, Princess. It was nice to see a version of you where you didn't fool everyone into thinking you control night and day. Although I did some research on the Internet when I was there. Did you know there's something called religion? I'm gonna start making religions here in Equestria, because it's pretty much the easiest way to start hilarious fights where absolutely nothing is accomplished.

Your soon-to-be Jesus Pony former student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Derpy

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Horse Zimmerman Emerges From Hiding

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
HORSE ZIMMERMAN EMERGES FROM HIDING

Fresh drama ensued today, as Horse Zimmerman, not seen since his exit from the courtroom just over a week ago, emerged from hiding to rescue a family from an overturned chariot outside of Mareami.

“Let me guess, he should have stayed in his vehicle, right?” offered a sarcastic Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Horse Zimmerman, a pegasus, whom prosecutors charged with the murder of earth pony Hayvon Martin last February, was recently acquitted of said charges in a widely publicized trial. In wake of the verdict, protests have broken out across Equestria, demanding changes to “stand your ground” laws, which are in place in over two-thirds of the nation.

Defenders of Zimmerman said he was just doing his job as neighborhood watch. Protesters believe that the killing was racially motivated, and that Zimmerman was told by royal guards to stay in his carriage.

But we here at the Foal Free Press believe in delivering to you, our readers, the facts and only the facts. When we offer our opinion, we do not disguise it as the truth. That's right; we're not like the rest of the biased media.

The problem here is that far too many ponies refuse to see the middle ground here. Horse Zimmerman was certainly no saint, but you're fooling yourself if you believe Hayvon was. Regardless of where you stand, he was a hero for rescuing those innocent victims in the chariot crash today.

But at the end of the day, as long as these protests remain peaceful, all is well. Because at least there's one thing everypony can agree on:

That Al Clopton needs to shut the buck up. Ten more ponies were killed in Fillinois today. You don't see him getting all uppity about that, now do ya?

Author's Notes:

Yeah, Fillinois. I scratched my head raw trying to ponify Chicago. Al Clopton took me 20 minutes as it was.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Bandwagon

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

Dear Princess Celestia,

Button's mom has got it going on.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Canterlot Shutdown

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
Canterlot Shutdown

The moon is stuck high in the sky, and yet it is eleven o'clock in the morning. Such is the most recognizable effect of the government shutdown in Canterlot.

After failing to reach an agreement on the budget for the next fiscal year, Princesses Celestia and Luna left the throne room just after midnight, and retired to their respective quarters. Much of the stalemate is due to Luna's new healthcare act, which would provide all of Equestria with access to affordable healthcare. Before slamming her door shut, Celestia was also heard mumbling something about refusing to dress up as a banana.

When asked to comment on the political debacle, Ponyville's Princess Twilight Sparkle offered the following:

"Ugh. Affordable healthcare act? Please. You want to know my version of affordable healthcare? Here you go. If you get sick and you're not a unicorn, go find one, and offer him or her a happy ending in return for a quick healing spell. Bam. Healthcare."

On the eve of a financial crisis, Celestia and Luna finally agreed to sign a temporary agreement that would allow them to continue taking our money, while not communicating, and continuing to ignore each other for approximately another four months.

What we at the Foal Free Press find most curious about this shutdown is even though they stopped doing their jobs, we are still paying the sun and moon taxes. Why the fuck were we still giving you money if you weren't using it for what it was supposed to be used for?

Up north, surprisingly unaffected by this, is Princes Cadance at the Crystal Empire.

"When the moon stopped moving I just cast my magical shield where everything looks normal again. I've got enough problems up here without those two dumbass sisters not getting along. You have to be very careful with power. Very, extremely careful. Just the other day, I saw a pair of ponies arguing in the streets, so I cast my love spell. Well, now I've got a case of incest on my hooves because another brother and sister are rutting each other. It's hard enough keeping Twilight away from my husband. All in all, some days, having Discord back in power sounds like a pretty favorable idea."

Hiatus Finale: The Legend

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Finale

The Legend

Critique not the consoles
Their graphics, price, or lighting
Lest their fancolts wreak destruction
Upon the forum in which they clash

Though the gamer's great guardian
Shall rise to quell the fighting
Alone it's ban shall fail
Lest the earth shall turn to Mash

Into thine hooves
Play together all three
Their powers combined
Match the P of the C

From the trio of consoles
DLC shall you take
For between start and end
All the difference it makes

Climb into bed this fight shall be long
And your mom will reveal her sexiest thong

Author's Notes:

Yeah, not much. Just something I thought up at work tonight, what with the PS4 releasing and all.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

So today, to prepare for the next Summer Sun Celebration, Rainbow Dash was helping me with my flying. I had to really improve on solo flying, because my brother can't throw me all the time like he did at the end of the coronation.

Becoming a Princess finally got me out of Ponyville. And my very own stained glass window! The others had to get back down to Ponyville because Mayor Mare wanted to pretend that Ponyville still mattered because it already had its turn as the host for the celebration. I may have to work on my flying, but my acting was top notch, acting all sorrowful as they went back down to town.

While Fax Machine was all competent with his checklist, in order to try to come up with an excuse to go back down to ponies who actually gave a shit about him occasionally, I wasn't falling for it. After you checked in, I decided to go over everything one more time to avoid returning to Ponyville. But then, all of a sudden, the two of you go missing, leaving me in charge! Fuck yeah!

Down in Ponyville, Applejack and her family were trying to remove weeds, Fluttershy's animals were being pussies, and Sweetie Belle thought something was wrong with her horn. You know, because it was actually working.

Flying back down to see what was going on was quite the adventure. Although I'd like to know where that seat belt came from. But that landing couldn't have been better. So everypony pretty much figures that Discord was behind it all, so we summon him right in the middle of a bath. Of course, he denied it again and again, while only Fluttershy was willing to give him any credit. You see, that's the problem with friendship, you can't jump right to the conclusion. You need “proof” and all that shit.

So after being chased out of her home, Zecora thought she could get away with moving into Ponyville. But she wasn't a complete freeloader, she traded a vial of exotic dragon semen, which really tasted fantastic. Drinking it gave me quite the hallucination; a flashback of Luna finally getting sick of your shit, and attempting to overthrow you.

Fuck yes. Where can I get more of this stuff?

Your cum-filled former student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

So I see that one thousand years ago, your sister really enjoyed the three whole minutes of her coup. At least she got one good hit in. What amazed me is that you actually managed to defeat her. What, you didn't have a group of ponies back then to do your dirty work? Another dose of sweet dragon seed showed me how you defeated Discord, and where the Elements of Harmony came from; a tree. Figuring that we needed to find this tree to get to the bottom of this invasion, we set off into the Everfree Forest.

After a close call with a crackidile, my five friends finally started to realize how important I am. They decided to send me back to Ponyville. While I initially thought that I'd enjoy a good tentacle raping along with the rest of the town, Discord made me realize that they were just trying to take the credit for themselves. That was unacceptable. Spike climbed a tree to spot my friends, while some flytraps surrounded me and started spraying me with an aphrodisiac to prepare me for some sweet violating. They were just about to devour me when my friends had to come and ruin the fun. Sucks, because I was about to have the worst fan fiction experience ever.

So after finding the tree, I realized we had to return the Elements of Harmony for it to survive. Since AJ was keen to point out that it was the Elements that brought us together, I figured that the only thing better than some plant sex would be the possibility that we'd start to drift apart without the Elements. So once all the vines dissolve, what do we find? That you and your damn sister were down here the entire time taking advantage of the vines, making all of us do the work. So the tree sprouts up some kind of chest with six keyholes, so now we have to go key hunting. Luna could help us with that. I'm sure she's tracked down a lot of keys in those games of hers.

So now, we exit the forest to a celebration from Discord, who immediately takes notice of the lack of gold necklaces. I tell you, Fluttershy must be a friend with benefits, because all she had to do was threaten him with their friendship to get him to drop his train of thought. Then, he gave me some more semen, and it was revealed that he planted the seeds a millennium ago right before being turned to stone.

So after incriminating himself, is he punished? Oh no. We'd have to have some kind of judicial system for that to work. Nope, he's just going to go on his merry way. That gives me an idea. Hey! My five friends! I'm reformed! So you can stop hating me and looking at me like that. Everything's all better now all of a sudden! Now we can all go back up to Canterlot and you can watch me fart out a magical gas shaped like my cutie mark in midair.

Celestia, this is like the third time I've saved your ass. I want some damn hazard pay.

Zecora, keep that cum coming.

Your cum-guzzling former student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Pfft. Yeah right. We sent Twilight away because we actually wanted to save Equestria, and didn't want her to fuck it up, then we realized our mistake, because face it, she does serve as some excellent cannon fodder. And crackidile fodder as well. Teamwork is the best, because it puts other ponies in danger.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack

Castle Mane-ia

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Castle Mane-ia

Dear Princess Twilight,

What part of Princess of Ponyville do you not understand? You came up here for the Summer Sun Celebration, and that's it. I do not want you here in Canterlot. I don't care what kind of research you want to do on that chest. Now go do something productive.

Sincerely and annoyingly,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fine. I don't need access to your royal library, I just need ANY royal library. I seem to recall from that flashback that you flew away from that castle like a bitch after you sent your sister to the moon, so I dragged Spike through to the castle, and began searching through your castle library. I couldn't find any lanterns or canisters of oil to keep from going insane, so I had to stick with candles.

Well, before too long, we started hearing screaming and organs. Ended up being my fucking friends scaring the shit out of each other. It was particularly humorous to see Fluttershy thinking Angel got crushed. Shame that didn't happen for real.

My point is, if my friends still show up to annoy me in the middle of a forest in a supposedly haunted castle, how fucking far do I have to go to get some peace and quiet?

So once I get everypony calmed the fuck down, we gather in the secret room in the library. Rarity continues repairing the banner she's going to sell on the black market, Pinkie hopped around randomly while reminding AJ and Rainbow that they were still tied in their Most Daring Pony contest, and speaking of Rainbow, she wouldn't stop blaming something called "quick-time button presses" as the reason that one of the suits of pony armor fell on her.

So if you want to keep me out of Canterlot, maybe I'll just stop writing letters to you. I haven't decided yet. But maybe I'll start a collective diary with the other five, describing our experiences in figuring out how to unlock the mysterious chest.

If you ask me, it'll be an interesting read once we finally unlock it, and I bolt away with whatever's inside, leaving the others empty-hoofed.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Tell Discord I want that scepter back.

Dear diary,

Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to bring Fluttershy along for this trip. It's just that this is extremely important; going to an abandoned castle, where nopony has been in ages, get ancient fabric, restore it, then putting it back, where nopony will go for ages.

Clearly, she needed to be here.

-Rarity

Dear diary,

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring Angel along on this trip.

-Fluttershy

Dear diary,

I don't care what AJ throws at me. I'm going to win this dare competition and be on top.

...of the leaderboard.

-Rainbow Dash

Dear diary,

If Rainbow thinks she can scare me, she's got another thing coming. After all, I've walked in on my brother clopping.

...and my sister...

….and my granny...

...why the hay am I writing this down?

-Applejack

Dear diary,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4Y_QbLbJVg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCrCmlrmHqg

-Pinkie Pie

Daring Don't

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Daring Don't

Dear Diary,

You know the only thing worse than writing a Mary Sue story? Living your own Mary Sue story. So it turns out that the author of the Daring Do novels, A.K. Yearling, is in fact, Daring Do herself. It was really hard for ponies to realize it, what with the completely different coat, mane, and eyes, am I right?

At least she didn't think I was doing a really shitty cosplay of herself.

So all in all, it was a fun-filled day of watching Daring Do get the crap beat out of her, THEN going to help. That, and seeing that her leg heals insanely fast. She had that splint on for what, five minutes?

Then, when everything is said and done, I get an advance copy of the book, with myself on the cover! I hope I can handle all this increased fame without my friends getting pissed, kidnapping me, and turning me into a sex slave.

- Rainbow Dash

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
FATE OF THE DARING DO SERIES UNCERTAIN

Adventure book lovers all over are waiting with abated breath to find out if recent legal proceedings will spell an end to the Daring Do novel series.

After realizing that their exploits were actually being written down and sold, treasure hunter Ahuizotl and archaeologist Dr. Caballeron are suing Daring Do author A.K. Yearling for use of their likenesses.

“We spend so much time out in the wild searching for untold riches, that we had no idea that our rival was taking our adventures and selling them for her profit. As this is infringing on our Rights of Publicity, we have taken action against Yearling. With royalties from those books, we hope to retire from this line of work.”

While Dr. Caballeron is hoping to retire, Ahuizotl is hoping to fulfill his lifelong dream of opening a protected habitat for endangered cats.

Flight To The Finish

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Flight To The Finish

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today had to have been one of the greatest days of my life! We handed Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon their asses, and we get to represent Ponyville in the Equestria Games! I'm really glad Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle showed up at the orphanage to cheer me up.

I also learned that just because you have wings, doesn't mean you have to use them. I now know for a fact that I'm fucking awesome on my scooter. So just what is it going to take to get my damn cutie mark? Jump over Ghastly Gorge?

So now I have to go let my friends Aurora and Orion know that we can finally stop stressing over that flight test in Cloudsdale.

Sincerely,
Scootaloo

P.S. I can't believe Snips and Snails thought they had a chance.

Dear Scootaloo,

Hey, it could happen!

Only on The Hub!

-Snips and Snails

Dear Granny Smith,

Way to high hoof the friend of your granddaughter, then proceed to completely ignore your granddaughter.

-AB

APPLICATION FOR AMENDED BIRTH CERTIFICATE

1. Applicant's Name: Rainbow Danger Dash
2. Mailing Address: 269 Cumulus Lane
3. City: Ponyville State: Equestria
4. New Name of Registrant: Rainbow Professionalism Dash
5. Full Name of Father: Stormcloud Dash
6. Full Maiden Name of Mother: Firefly Flutter

Power Ponies

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Power Ponies

Dear Diary,

This is precisely why Fax Machine isn't allowed to read.

Sincerely
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Diary,

My friends getting hurt, and captured isn't enough to make me angry.

A firefly getting flicked?

It is ON bitch!!!

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Mane-iac,

I don't know how you converted it into a ray of doom, but I would like my industrial strength hair dryer back. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Princess Vespa

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Thank you for your inquiry for commissions, but I'm afraid we cannot fulfill your requests for enchanted comic erotica at this time. We are currently being investigated for the disappearances for four fillies who bought the newest issue of The Revengers.

Sincerely,
Enchanted Comics

Dear Twilight,

If that's how Fluttershy reacts to a firefly getting swatted, I truly hope she doesn't find out anything about Firefly getting cancelled. If you could help keep her clueless, that'd be great. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Nathan Fillyon

Bats!

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Bats!

Dear Vampire Bats,

That's right. You can have the entire orchard, just not her big apple. Because clearly the prize money from one hick contest can sustain the farm for an entire season.

Sincerely,
Big Mac

Dear diary,

Wait a minute, Twilight's spell backfired?

We are all very clearly shocked.

-Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie

Dear Rainbow Dash,

We're sending you to Ciderholics Anonymous. You have a problem.

-Twilight

Dear Applejack,

Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you're a farmer and everything, but you'd hurt a teensy, little, harmful vampire bat? Really? Why you're just a great big meanie! There, I said it!

-Fluttershybat

Dear Diary,

Hmm, this gives me an idea for a new book series. I'll take a reader poll to see who's on Team Applejack, and who's on Team Fluttershy. This will no doubt be as big as my Daring Do biographies novels.

-A.K. Yearling

Dear Royal Dawnguard,

Just west of Ponyville.

The cottage.

You're welcome.

-Applejack

-Fruit bat roundup fruit bat roundup
Let's finish our pest control cheer
Fruit bat roundup fruit bat roundup,
Flutterbat need stakes right here, she needs stakes right here!

Bats! (Addendum)

Author's Notes:

So this was the first chapter that I felt was rushed to the point of requiring a second attempt. A take two if you will.

Following chapters will not be so fast out of the gate.

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Applejack and Fluttershy letters by Yinhuman

Bats! (Addendum)

Dear Diary,

So, it seems that for the second year in a row, Big Mac is unable to help with Applebucking Season. His excuse this time? Going with Granny Smith to check out their competition in the contest they've entered. Apparently, the winner gets a starring role on that new reality show, Buck Dynasty.

Anyway, to that I say, horseshit. More like Big Mac had a chiropractor appointment because he threw his back out boning that damn school teacher. I refuse to believe that this contest is so fucking important that Big Mac and Granny Smith think it's okay to leave Applejack to tend the farm alone during harvesting time. Because, you know, that worked so well last time.

But she barely even got started before discovering that the apples were rotten and dry, the culprits being vampire bats. Apples aren't the only victim; I hear vampires can make books pretty rotten and dry too. So Applejack wants to get rid of the bats, as is her right on her property, but Fluttershy wants AJ to pursue a more peaceful solution. Since AJ's part of the song was better, we all side with her. Mob mentality and all.

So with a little research, I decide to use a spell to force the vampire bats to stop eating all the apples, because once again, forcing animals to break from their natural habits worked so well last time. Turns out we accidentally turned Fluttershy into a vampire. Or is that a vampony? Eh, who the fuck cares. I finally have a legitimate excuse to drive a stake through one of my friends! Whoo! Wait, what? Oh, sure, now Applejack wants her friend back. She can be all merciless to the bats, but when it comes to the pony who wants to sacrifice part of her orchard? Nope!

So after forgetting every immobilization spell I knew, we simply stun Fluttershy still by showing her that ugly ass face of hers. Now that she's back to normal, Fluttershy's off to form PETA; Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I hear Applejack's planning a rival organization, FEMA; Famers for Evicting Murderers of Apples.

-Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Fluttershy,

Who carried you up a mountain, rounded up all the bunnies for your little census, sells you discount produce to feed all your billion pets, constantly steps between you and life threatening danger, practically feeds the town you live in, whose family MADE the town you live in based solely on the apples we produce, and is the most honest and dependable of ponies who happens to have made it abundantly clear that my orchard is my livelihood?

-AJ

Dear Applejack,

Screw you and everything you've ever done for me, migratory wildlife's right to destroy your life is more important than years of friendship, and the desires of my best friend / alicorn princess. Oh and the apple you've worked all season growing, only stopping to save my hide over and over again that looks delicious enough for me to eat? I've already proven that I'll eat a cake that's not mine; your super apple is toast.

-Fluttershy

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Dear Diary,

Fuck yes, field trip! Time to get out of this hellhole again! Apparently, Applejack isn't the only one trying to take advantage of MY slave labor. Rarity, I'll tell you the same thing I told her: get your own dragon.

So once we get into the city, our song somehow overtakes all of the hustle and bustle of the city. It really surprised us that Rarity had put Opal in the cutie mark business. Applejack can also apparently double as an apple jack. And you would think that a Princess of Equestria could get a cab when she needed one, but no. Rarity races off to meet and size up the competition, and by size up, I mean help one of them by giving them her one-of-a-kind fabric. Sometimes, she can really, really fail at being the superior race.

But then she started to redeem herself. She had made a sweatshop out of us in no less than 15 minutes. Quite impressive. Just wait until she expands to illegal immigrants and gains some weight. But I thought Fluttershy had a "freaky knowledge of sewin". If so, way to fuck up the machine. Eh, who knows, maybe she got distracted by an apple or something.

With her brand new fashion line, Rarity set off, while we proceeded to miss the musical we were dying to see, Avenue Q. After she notices we were missing from the show, she comes to her senses, and comes back to the hotel. By the way, way to be brutally honest, AJ. So she got us an exclusive showing of Avenue Q. I just wish Coco hadn't showed up at the end. It would have been nice to have her out of Ponyville for awhile, making it a bit more tolerable. But no, Rarity had to offer her the job.

And Rarity won that contest? Seriously?

Just goes to show that anypony can steal hotel items, but only she can make it look fabulous.

-Twilight

Dear Diary,

Are you sure Suri doesn't have a horn hidden away somewhere? Damn, what a bitch.

-Applejack

Dear Rarity,

Thanks again. I got you a little something. It's a spool of thread, that's a nice and proper thank you for such an incredible career-changing opportunity, right?

Sincerely,
Coco Pommel

Dear Coco Pommel,

Well, honesty's not my element, so I'm going to say yes.

Sincerely,
Rarity

Pinkie Apple Pie

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Pinkie Apple Pie

Dear Pinkie,

You do realize that the only reason the Apples considered you a part of their family is so there'd be one more pony to rut, right?

You see, when a family like that gets horny...

Well, stop by the library when you've got time. This isn't the most appropriate thing to discuss in a letter. Although I must admit, when you went over the waterfall, it was quite impressive how the only thing you lost was 35 pounds of bacon.

Nice photo of Big Mac's ass though. Damn I want that.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Applejack,

Cousin! Let's go bowling!

-Pinkie

~We travel the highway of information
And then an idea spawned
We write and we post our fine narration
On our Fimfiction and beyond

We're cloppers forever, cloppers together
Horse sex but so much more
Appledashers have you read O's story
Where AJ is a whore?

There's no place that I'd rather flee
When Twilight's at the li-brary
Friends all around come join with me
As we chase her out of our land

We're shippers forever, shippers together
Our OTP's we adore
For BDSM, strap them tight in leather
And leave subs red and sore

Now we're not perfect, nowhere close, sweet pea
But at least we're better than EqD
Haters may say we'll burn for our sin
But just keep on writing, shipping for the win!

Writing's more fun with your favorite kink
Like shipping Rainbow with the kitchen sink
I need some more, come on send the link
As we touch ourselves 'til we're mad

We're clopping together, taking forever
This climax is a chore
Whenever we come, we will face the weather
We're cloppers to the core

Rainbow Falls

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Rainbow Falls

Dear Diary,

So this is what it feels like to have the spotlight completely taken out from under you. Now I know how Applejack feels. I can't believe they were willing to replace me with Derpy! How many other ponies were at the Reservoir Tornado? And they picked the one that nearly demolished town hall and dropped comical objects on a wheelchaired Twilight?

And I was amazed we were actually able to get Bulk signed up for tryouts. I guess Ms. Harshwhinny isn't having the Games tested for steroid use. Eh, whatever. At least they didn't put Dr. Stable on the medical staff. Probably would've diagnosed me with lazyitis when I feigned injury.

And what the hell is this pin Spitfire gave me? Am I a Wonderbolt now? Eh, maybe she's just developed a fetish for sticking things on my chest.

Last but not least, those wigs proved that only I can pull the rainbow mane off.

-Rainbow Dash

Dear fandom,

THE RUMORS OF MY DEMISE HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED.

Sincerely,
Derpy Hooves

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
OBITUARY

It is with heavy hearts that we here at the Foal Free Press must inform you that the Monarch of Public Indecency, Princess Molestia, passed away Friday at 3:00pm Eastern Equestria Time, after five months of battling a particularly deadly strain of plot cancer.

She is survived by her younger royal sister, Princess Gamer Luna, who has pledged to hold a 24-hour LAN party in honor of her sister's memory.

"While the Royal Plot ended up being her ultimate undoing, we are confident that it satisfied until the very end. As long as she lives on in our hearts, minds, and groins, Molestia will never truly be gone."

Author's Notes:

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn, and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin

RIP 'Ask Princess Molestia'
Taken down Janurary 17th, 2014

Three's A Crowd

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Three's A Crowd

Dear Diary,

First off, Pinkie Pie, you owe me a new door. Secondly, you're lucky you didn't hurt Spike with said door. He needs to keep up with his chores. Thirdly, used patio furniture? Splendid! Perfect! They look like they'll go perfect with your used marehood!

So we see Fluttershy off on her train, and not five minutes later, we see Cadance's train coming down the opposite direction of the same track. I'm pretty sure there are no splits in the Ponyville track that soon, so what the hell happened to Fluttershy's train? The Crystal Express comes to a screeching halt, and Cadance disembarks, complete with horn fanfare and...FLASH?!?

Where the fuck have you been? You never write! I've been wanting you to bone me for months! And then you just smile at me and get back on the train? You fucking tease!

So after Cadance and I leave for the Starswirl Museum, Rainbow tells me that Discord made an entrance by flying into a tree. Also, apparently blue is the color of trouble. But Rainbow is also colored- wait, actually, that makes perfect sense. Too bad purple isn't the color of irresistible. So since Rarity didn't have a fainting couch on hoof, Pinkie Pie got a pile of luggage. No idea who it belonged to, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind Discord rubbing his flu all over it.

So, Discord came looking for Fluttershy, when he supposedly lives with her. He and Fluttershy write each other letters, when he supposedly lives with her. Because that totally makes sense. Hey Fluttershy, why don't you write letters to Celestia. I hear she has nothing to do all day since we've started this diary.

And Rainbow may love winning, and she may love her friends even more, but you know what she loves most? Being away from Discord. So after chasing Rainbow off, distracting Pinkie with a balloon, and giving the blue flu to AJ and Rarity, he of course finds Cadance and I. At least my sister-in-law had the foresight to cast a health bubble. We take him back to the library, put him to bed, and are about to be headed back when he gives us a song of what else he needs.

Most of it was useless, but can I borrow Louise the Singing Harp? I want to put it in Bon Bon's bed and trick her into thinking it's Lyra.

So he provides us a ridiculous flying chariot, and we fly all the way out to the southwestern edge of Equestria, where the flower he needs grows. Except its grown all the way into a tree by now. We uproot it, and bam! A huge worm creature. Fuck yes! TENTACLES!!! It looked like Cadance was going to get some first, and I couldn't let that happen. So I freed her, and it grabbed me, but I couldn't tell her to just let me be before she started shooting at it too. Oh well, I suppose not every single creature with tentacles isn't always interested in fucking your brains out. But it did give Discord exactly what he deserved; an actual sickness.

Serves you right for that hideous friendship necklace.

- Princess Twilight Sparkle

Pinkie Pride

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Pinkie Pride

Dear Diary,

So today was Rainbow's birthiversary. I wondered how I could possibly top her last two birthdays. Two years ago, she got swimming lessons, and the year after that, she got a Daring Do book signed by A.K. Yearling. How was I going to top those?

As I began to ask for volunteers, the first one to speak up was a pony named Cheese Sandwich, who came into town and was all like, "Pinkie, everything you know is wrong." Another party-planning pony, he sang on and on about the various parties he had headlined. The party in the CIA sounded pretty impressive. Pretty soon, everypony forgot about my plans and went to help him with his. For a little bit, I tried other careers, but shortly decided to take my title back.

So I return to the site of the party and challenge Cheese to a Goof Off. We stared each other down and dared each other to one-up the other. Dare to be the goofiest. Dare to be the silliest. Dare to be stupid. Now that we each had our polka face on, we started to sing a complicated song. Cheese wasn't pulling any punches when he decided to ripoff my very own song! What, you think you're all clever just because you can make a parody of other ponies' songs? Puh-lease.

But I realized it had gone a little too far when I crushed Rainbow Dash with the...um...whatever that was. So I decided to forfeit, and pack up my things and go home. Then, the others apologized for getting so wrapped up in Cheese's party preparations and forgetting about me. Cheese also reveals that he got into planning parties because of me. So we decide to team up. While he went and made up a batch of his famous lasagna, I made another trip to the hardware store for some last-minute items. While we're on the subject of his food, I hope he eats more than cheese sandwiches. If so, he's bound to get fat sooner or later, and he'll have to go on a grapefruit diet.

But that huge balloon of Rainbow Dash? The spotlight and ice sculpture of her cutie mark? I mean, wow. I think Twilight's gonna need a new egometer when Dash's readings break her current one.

Right before leaving town, I was thrilled that Cheese spent one more minute to give me his cock. Twilight is gonna be super jealous.

So here's to you, Cheese Sandwich. It's been just a little less lively here since you've been gone. Thanks for the leftovers. Next time the girls just want to have lunch, I'll tell them to eat it. I guess I'll let your copyright infringement of my song slide this time, because that was a heck of a party! The garbage collectors are gonna have their work cut out for them on trash day. Speaking of parties, I've gotta go plan another one! Mayor Mare wants me to do a party for the anniversary of Mare Do Well too, sort of like an ode to a superhero party.

Guess I also have to find that hole in the multiverse I forgot about. Can't believe Gummy slipped through.

By the way, I hope you stopped by my family's rock farm on your way out of town. It's quite the Amish paradise.

-Pinkie Pie

~We've been spending most our lives
Living in a pony paradise
I've baked cupcakes once or twice
Living in a pony paradise
Party hats at discount price
Living in a pony paradise
I'm ripping off Pinkie Pie
Living in a pony paradise

Simple Ways

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Simple Ways

Dear Diary,

Seeing Rarity win the position of Ponyville Days Pony of Ceremonies made me realize three things. One, that they probably could have fit the word pony in there a few more times, like, Pony of Ceremonies for the Ponies of Ponyville. Two, that I should really start renting Spike out as manual labor. Now that I think about it, it would be a great source of income. Three, to make a replica of Ponyville that perfect, Rarity has to have a macro fetish.

So she sets out with planning, and gives us our assigned tasks. Although I could have refused, because royalty doesn't have to do shit if they don't want to. I also love how she wants to bring elegance to a place started by rednecks. I guess she doesn't remember how we tried to bring simplicity to Canterlot not once, but twice, and see how well both of those times turned out.

So most likely against my better judgement, I go with her to the train station to meet this 'Trenderhoof' that she's been obsessing over and, hey would you look at that! My tail looks exactly like my mane! Sorry, but Applebloom helped me pull off your style better than you pull off mine. You go off and show him around town, lastly taking him to Sweet Apple Acres, and what do you know, he has absolutely no interest in you. Nope, instead, he's got it hard for AJ. But he managed to be subtly racist to AJ's face, so he's good in my book.

Speaking of you, Applejack, you have spent your entire life obsessing over absolutely everything to do with apples, and now that you've finally got somepony's attention because of that, you're creeped out? So you don't want a sex life outside of Rainbow Dash and your brother? Meanwhile, Fax Machine tells me Rarity flipped the fuck out, and starts going all redneck on us so she can win the heart of Trend. It gets so bad that you decide to give her a taste of her own medicine. But at least you two finally fulfilled some of your dares way back from the sleepover. You combed your mane for once, and she didn't.

But eventually everypony comes to their senses. Amazingly, with all this misplaced love in the air, nopony got laid. Are you freaking kidding me? Even Fax is getting sick of this shit.

- Twilight Sparkle

Filli Vanilli

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Filli Vanilli

Dear Fluttershy,

Look, sorry about today. I guess I just figured that if you heard it straight from the horses mouth, that you'd get over your stage fright. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, sheesh.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you may not be the brightest of ponies because of the drugs and everything, but I have the word 'shy' right in my fucking name. You saw how timid I was before the Hearth's Warming Eve performance, and yet you trigger me not once, but twice? I don't like singing in crowds. Deal with it, you junkie.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

So, what you're trying to say is that the animal shelter volunteer I met in the alternate world wasn't another version of you? You know, the one who had no trouble singing and dancing in a high school cafeteria full of judgmental teens? Not you then?

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Keep it up.

Spike will be a decorative toaster cozy before you know it.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Big Mac,

What's the matter, brother? Can't sing because you're a little horse?

Sincerely,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Little, huh?

That's not what you were saying last night.

Sincerely,
Big Macintosh

Twilight Time

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Twilight Time

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
LIBRARY CONTROVERSY!

Ponyville received another helping of controversy this week when Twilight, furious with the invasion of schoolhouse students into Golden Oaks Library, passed a bill titled the "Magical Freedom Act", effectively barring pegasi and earth ponies from the library.

"It's quite sad, really," offered local farmer Applejack. "These fillies were actually wanting to spend time with the Princess. Clearly, they're too young and naive to realize what a cuntnugget she really is."

"The library contains books, which can only be used effectively by those with the appropriate intellect. Pegasi are lightweight, so the mass of their minds cannot possibly be high enough, and earth ponies have always been more brawn than brains." Princess Twilight Sparkle claimed in defense of the bill.

Those who believe the bill legally enables discrimination have not sat quietly. The manager of the local Hay King has responded by putting up a sign that says "NO PRINCESSES ALLOWED", while Rainbow Dash has convinced the Cloudsdale government to pass the Aerial Freedom Act, barring all unicorns and earth ponies from the city of clouds, obviously unaware that those races were only there for last year's Best Young Flier competition, and that the bill is absolutely useless.

Other Ponyville activists have petitioned Mayor Mare to veto the Magical Freedom Act, as well as continuing to ask Princess Celestia to limit the powers Princess Twilight has within the town.

To the Hay King General Manager,

Do you like bananas?

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

Hello and welcome to Hay King!

NO PRINCESSES PURPLE ALICORNS ALLOWED!

It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

Dear Diary,

Today, Fluttershy has convinced the town to help a bunch of smaller, weaker creatures. Everything goes according to plan at first, and then as usual, Spike fucks it up royally.

So wait, if the air is too gentle they can't move, if the air is too fast they're knocked off guard, they're thrown off by a stray leaf, and acorns can be lethal to them? What the hell do they even need this pollen for anyway? Did we try to figure that out before helping them?

So these things can barely fly. Say, Scootaloo, are you related to these things? I'm sorry but ecologically Breezies should have died out. They're just utterly helpless. Seriously, if one stray windblown leaf is enough to disrupt the entire process, it makes you wonder what'd happen if something REALLY went wrong. We just need to stop helping these little shits.

All in all, I'm pretty fucking sick of helping pathetic, helpless creatures. Ever hear of this thing called natural selection? Hm? Where creatures too weak to sustain themselves die off, making way for more worthy species? I'm kinda waiting for that to happen to the damned earth ponies.

Lastly, Rainbow wants to find out what it's like to be a griffon? Well, let's see here. You piss everyone off and then leave after just one day. There. You now know what it's like, so there's no need to turn you into one. Unless this is a really bad attempt at getting into bed with Gilda. I can turn you into a stallion if you want. On one condition. Don't pretend you don't know what that condition is.

At least you can accept as a form of consolation, that after meeting Seabreeze, that you are no longer the gayest being I've met. I mean, dayum, he actually had a kid with somebreezie. That's impressive. Just fix that fucking hair. Yeesh.

- Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Thanks for your observation. Next time you fall off a cliff in the Everfree Forest, we will keep in mind that it's just nature's way of saying it's time for you to go.

Sincerely,
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash

Somepony To Watch Over Me

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Somepony To Watch Over Me

Dear Diary

My sister is a freak.

Having fetishes is all well and good, but trying to pass them off to a sibling? No, that's just wrong.

Trying to make sure I don't get hurt is one thing, but turning me into her baby sister, literally, is just taking it too far. She put me in a fucking crib! I'm surprised she didn't get any diapers out. If you want to try taking care of an adult foal, go get Rainbow. Somepony who is ACTUALLY an adult.

After enlisting the help of Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and making use of Pinkie's emergency bow stash, I make my way out of the house, only to find out that she even babyproofed my escape route.

Also, I hope you can buy a new barn with that delivery fee, because with an insane route like that, anything less, and they ripped you off. Especially since I had to try to use the snake as a harpoon and tow cable.

If only Twilight saw this place. She thinks we're hicks? Please.

If you guys don't want such an exorbitant fee next time, order your damn food from a town in a different direction, and not from a place where the route has flamethrowers built into the fucking ground.

-Apple Bloom

Dear Big Mac,

Look, I know you've made Twilight's doll your cuddle thing.

So what the hell is it doing in Apple Bloom's room?

-Applejack

Dear Applejack,

What I do while she's at school is no business of yours.

-Big Mac

Maud Pie

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Maud Pie

Dear Diary,

So my sister Maud has decided to visit before going off on a research trip towards her rocktorate degree. So I brought everypony together to taste test for the necklaces we always make together. Talk about eye rock candy.

But to my dismay, everypony was having a really hard time bonding with her when she arrived. I guess I kinda left the fact that she's an introvert out of the equation. She never has much to talc about, but it's still gneiss having her here. These candy necklaces are gonna be the schist! It just goes to prove that you should never take your sister for granite. The way she flew through that igneous obstacle course to smash that boulder to pieces totally rocked!

So when she left for her research trip, things got a bit sedimental, and we all gave and traded candy necklaces.

I'm just glad the people watching us got to see this episode that was written by a new writer! Finally, someone with a clean slate!

- Pinkie Pie

Dear Diary,

Thank Celestia Maud didn't stay. For a moment there I was afraid there'd be a seventh added to the group and we'd have to change up the theme song.

- Twilight Sparkle

~Twilight Sparkle is a bitchy princess
Trying so hard to get a good fuck
Applejack is a background farmer
Spending all day giving trees the buck
Rarity is a fashion designer
Sewing up threads for the perfect look
Rainbow Dash is a weather pony
Napping during work with her Daring Do book
Fluttershy is an animal sitter
Never taking any of that bunny's shit
Pinkie Pie is a partying junkie
Going insane for that next hit
And then there's Maud!
And then there's Maud!
That boulder-punching, pebble-munching, anything-but-candy crunching,
Right on, Maud!

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils (Bonus Chapter: JanAnimations Eulogy)

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
HOUSE FIRE LEAVES NO SURVIVORS

Tragedy struck Ponyville late last night, as an intense fire broke out in the Mash residence. Firefighters were unable to effectively combat the blaze, nor were they able to enter the house to make rescue attempts. It has gone on record as one of the deadliest fires in Ponyville's 80-year history.

With firefighting measures proving useless, the inferno burned unchallenged, until the frame of the house collapsed in on itself at 3:20 AM, two hours after it was reported. The fire department's worst fears were becoming more and more of a reality when no remains of the occupants were found. All four members of the Mash family were thought to be inside, and are presumed dead.

Very little survived the fire and subsequent collapse of the house. Of what remains, the most intact item is an old pong machine. It is not known what started the fire, although 8-year old Button Mash was known for enjoying the Silly Filly Train Sets, which have been prone to spontaneous combustion.

"Button Mash was an avid gamer, and he will be missed dearly by the community." Princess Luna offered in a statement. Button's last major appearance was with Princess Luna as he helped with the 24-hour LAN Party in honor of Luna's estranged sister, Princess Molestia.

Author's Notes:

"But, Mom, I need to fight the coherds to save the village of Gumbai if I want any luck in defeating the alixes of Humgonia!"
- Button Mash

JanAnimations Studios
C&D'd on March 21st, 2014

(Yes, another chapter parodying the actual episode is forthcoming. The title of this episode, given the sudden developments, and the milkshake scene in the BA Pilot episode, seemed very appropriate.)

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Tolls

Dear Princess Luna,

For the record, I do not believe you know what I'm going through. In fact, I'm better at screwing with my sister than you. With a single thread, I could have ruined my sister's career. You, with the power of the moon, flew around and shot at your sister for about a grand total of three minutes. Good job.

Besides, I'm screwing with her. How could you not realize that? Think about it, your highness. I expertly resewed Sapphire Shores' headdress, but I have to have Rarity make me the costumes for my play? Right.

Let me know when you're going to fuck with Apple Bloom's dreams. But I would be very careful about going in there. You never know when she's going to be having a cloppy dream about her sister or brother.

Your loyal subject,
Sweetie Belle

To my loyal subject Sweetie Belle,

The last time we hath checked, Apple Bloom was dreaming about you. You were putting your horn in-

Actually, never mind.

'Twas hot.

Sincerely,
Princess Luna

Leap of Faith

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Leap of Faith

Dear Mom and Dad,

Why the fuck did you name us Flim and Flam? Were we a joke from birth? Maybe if you actually named the two of us after something honest, we would have been able to do something with our lives.

Because maybe you didn't notice, but what you name your offspring kinda has a small effect on what cutie marks they get. What other names did you pass up? Sham and Scam?

So I guess we'll just have to continue using dishonest means to sell our products.

Thanks for nothing,
Flim and Flam

FOAL FREE PRESS
RACISM IN PONYVILLE

The Golden Oaks Library was struck by lightning last night after Rainbow Dash claimed she was sick and tired of all the racist remarks from Princess Twilight Sparkle. Responding to the increasing unrest, Celestia has insisted Twilight issue a formal apology.

She has done so in the form of a new charity; the Flip Flap Wing Ding Foundation for Sensitivity to Pegasi or Whatever.

When Applejack inquired as to an Earth Pony charity, Twilight simply scoffed and walked back inside.