The trip to Ponyville was a long one, but to Pinkamena, time meant nothing to her then. After what happened, she felt very unstable and on edge. She was confused, and her emotions were everywhere, she was stuck somewhere between lashing out in anger, and breaking down and crying, neither is something she’d usually do. After riding a chariot back to Ponyville, she grudgingly walked through the town. Luckily, the only people in the town were the guards, so she didn’t have to deal with any actual ponies.

During her walk home, she kept her head down in a depressed manner, her long hair covering her face. Despite her emotions going haywire, no thoughts were going through her head. Her mind was completely blank, which was something that rarely happened. She usually always had something on her mind, no matter her mood. But now? Either she was still processing, or she just couldn’t think. It wasn’t that there was nothing to think about, there was tons of stuff, but she just… couldn’t.

Eventually, she ended up at Sugarcube Corner. She wasn’t sure if she came here subconsciously, or if this was just where she ended up. Looking up, she noticed how lifeless it was. The building itself was the same, but the lack of ponies just made it seem so…dull. She looked around the town and noticed the rest was the same. Every single building she could see was the same, they seemed dull, gray, lifeless, almost like her friends after the whole Discord incident. Nothing but shells of what they were, except these buildings, was filled with guards, but they didn’t really make much of a difference. Somehow, this dullness wasn’t making her feel any better. Sure, she didn’t care for all that joyful, happy stuff, but, she had grown used to it. While it wasn’t what she was anymore, it was…comforting.

After giving a long sigh, Pinkamena walked into the bakery. The normal sound of the bell dinging as the door opened welcomed her, but after that was silence. Some part of her hop-expected The Cakes to greet her, but, they didn’t. Despite her derangement, they still treated her like they always did. Asking if she’s okay, letting her keep her job, offering advice and help, acting like parents. Even though she had parents, they were her family away from home. If only she could afford to still care for others, they would be one of the few she did.

Deciding to ignore the lifelessness, Pinkamena walked up the stairs, and towards her room, it was where she did her best thinking. When she entered her room, she half expected Sylia or The Voice to start talking to her, but neither did. She noticed gummy was in his corner, sleeping on his bed. His food and water were still there, though he had eaten some, it was still enough to keep him alive for a bit. Pinkamena walked forward and flopped onto her bed, her body sprawled and face down. She closed her eyes, as she felt her exhaustion and fatigue slowly fade in, sleep was becoming a very good option.

But then, almost as if she was in shock, everything hit her. The Changelings, her friends, the voices in her head, everything with Zecora, and most importantly, how close she was to becoming Pinkie again. She was filled with emotions and thoughts; she felt like she was close to crying. But, she couldn’t, she was too tired to cry. She turned over and looked up at the roof, distress evident on her face. At this point, she wasn’t sure how to react. Events were playing out in her head over and over again, like a broken record, guess sleep was no longer an option.

"Heh, no rest for the wicked, huh?”

Pinkamena chuckled to herself, sorrow in her voice.

“Wicked? Not exactly the term I would use.”

Suddenly, a familiar voice echoed inside Pinkamena’s head. Making her jump forward and grip the sheets of her bed, she ground her teeth and furrowed her brows in anger; she REALLY wanted to be alone right now, she had some things she needed to sort out.

“What do YOU want?”

Pinkamena spat with venom in her voice, she said it in the direction of the door, but it was obviously guided towards The Voice.

“Ooh! Somepony’s angry! What’s got you so riled up?”

Her voice was the same as before, loud and echoing, but somehow, it sounded more feminine. Before, it was gender neutral. But now, behind the echo, the deepness, and tone was different. Considering how many females she knows, she can recognize the difference between a male and female voice. Maybe because she knew it was a female, it didn’t try to hide it anymore? But now wasn’t the time to be thinking about motives, there was more of an immediate situation.

“YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! Two hours ago, I felt something I haven’t felt in months, happiness! I never expected I would ever have that kind of chance again! They told me, even after they saw me kill dozens of changelings, smart off to the god of Equestria, and they can only guess what else! They told me they forgive! They know I could have done worse things, horrible things! They know I’m not the same Pinkie they were friends with! They know something's wrong with me, even Twilight’s suspicious. But yet, all of them, even her, looked at me with smiles, and told me we could be still be friends! That amount of forgiveness, that kindness, and loyalty, and trust, I don’t deserve that! And yet…”

Pinkamena was screaming at the top of her lungs, tears running down her cheeks, as she gripped the sheets as hard as she could. The Voice said nothing in return; she had nothing to say. Usually, she would be making fun of Pinkamena, for being so emotionally weak and crying like a child. But, she wouldn’t. She couldn’t afford to antagonize her anymore; she needed her to trust her, at least to a point.

“And yet…that darkness still consumed me. That rage, the bloodlust, I could feel it corrupting me. Even in a moment of happiness, a chance of forgiveness, it was right there to pull me back in! I accepted that I had changed, that I’ve done horrible things, that there was something evil inside of me. But to be that close to escape it, just to be pulled back in, it’s…crushing. I didn’t want to feel those emotions again because I knew that even if I became Pinkie again, the darkness I felt, the pain, it would never leave me! Pinkie may have been ignorant and childish, but at least she was happy! E-even if it was fake.”

Pinkamena said nothing after that, her voice cracking too much to speak. Her body was trembling, the tears had stopped coming, but her face was still wet, she was almost sobbing. This was the first time Pinkamena had broken down ever since she changed; this was more than just because of recent events, this was a buildup of everything. This made The Voice smile, internally, she didn’t really have a face to smile with. She had made the right choice in pushing her emotions on to Pinkie when she did, if she hadn’t, Pinkie might have been here to stay.

She had sensed the buildup of emotions in Pinkamena for a while and was looking for a chance to let it out. At first, she thought Pinkamena was just some sort of an act to cope. But no, that darkness, that bloodlust, that cockiness and sadism, the sociopathic behavior and the lack of hesitation when she kills, that was genuine. That wasn’t some act, that was real, that was who she really was. But, she had been taught that was wrong and treated it like it was pure evil when it was a gift, her experiences just taught her otherwise.

Sadly, because of everything that’s happened, she hadn’t completely gotten rid of it. She wants to be good, to do the ‘right thing’ and to ignore her urges and instinct; it was still there. The whole birthday incident just made her suppress it, not get rid of it. But now? Her hope at being the good pony, the laughter everyone wants, was gone. And since she’s not desperately holding on to who she was, she might be able to convince her into becoming who she was meant to be. Even if she was who she really was, she was convinced it was because it was because of her trauma, so she was subconsciously holding herself back. She has so much potential, and now, without her being held back by who she was, it might be put to good use.

“Pinkamena, listen.”

Pinkamena didn’t say anything, but her trembling did stop. She was no longer crying or making noises of any kind. She did nothing but look at the ground, her hair covering her face. But when The Voice spoke, she flinched.

“I’m not like Sylia, I can’t sympathize with you or anything like that, I’m not that kind of person. But, I like you better when you’re not trying to live up to society’s standards for a good pony. So, because I like you better like this, I’ll console you. In your filly hood, it was practically beaten into you by your ‘family’ that the way you were was bad, and it should be shunned. And as a result, you were depressed.

And then, fate zoomed in and gave you a chance at happiness. Suppressing both who you really are, and Sylia. And you were so obsessed with getting rid of it because you thought that it was bad, that any and all negative emotions were completely suppressed and ignored. Which, ironically, was just fueling who you were. And then? When you felt just an inch of self-doubt, everything you were ignoring came out, and you couldn’t ignore it anymore. Your emotions, your pain, it consumed you.

But, subconsciously or not, you were still holding on to what you were. The happy go lucky, ignorant, fake, childish, immature, Element of Laughter. But that’s not who you are, that’s who you were forced to be. And believe me, watching everything that happened to you, it pissed me off to no extent. That’s not who you are; you aren’t even close to what they’ve convinced you to believe. The pony you are, not the bumbling idiot who throws parties, but the one afterward. The one wouldn’t hesitate to make the smart decisions, even if they’re morally wrong. The one who would sacrifice her own happiness, so that she wouldn’t risk hurting her friends.

The one who ruthlessly killed dozens and changelings, saving who knows how many lives! That side of you, while it may not be innocent or smiled upon by society, it’s not evil. It can be used for good, or, whatever you decide is good. You could save, dozens, no, hundreds of lives! It’s not this ugly, evil thing that you’ve been forced to believe, its…beautiful. Yes, you may not be the Pinkie you're used to. But you will be the Pinkie you were supposed to be for so long, maybe even better. And who needs those friends of yours!? They can try, but they’ll never be able to understand you. They were friends with who you were pretending to be, not who you are. You can make new friends who understand you, the real you!

Like Maud, she seems like she could be a very good friend. Or Zecora, you may not be on the best terms right now, but that just means you would be better friends. So, come on, what do you say? Are you going to embrace who you are, or are you going to sulk on who you were trying so hard to be?”

Somehow, her voice was…gentler, more genuine. Even if the words weren’t exactly pure, her tone wasn’t as sadistic or cocky as usual. Still, it made her smile, even if she sucked at consoling, it still helped.

“Wow, that…really sucked. You weren’t kidding; you really do suck at consoling. But, you're right, I can’t be sulking, I need to embrace who I am. I’m tired of being in pain all the time; it’s exhausting. I’m going to stop acting like this isn’t who I am, like this is just some phase. Because it’s not, it’s me, and it can be used for good. Well, my definition of good.”

Pinkamena stood up and smiled, that devilish smile returned, her breakdown from before practically non-existent. It may have sucked, but it worked.

“Oh? It sounds like you have something in mind?”

Once again, The Voice smiled. This was going better than planned, almost too easy. A bad pep talk was exactly what was needed, now Pinkamena completely trusts her. It was like a puppet who hasn’t been played with in a while, begging for someone to pull its strings. It’s been so long since she played with someone like this, it made her nostalgic.

“Yeah, I do, this whole Sombra-changeling thing is exactly what I need. Friends can come after, right now, I need a distraction. Though, I got some preparation first.”

Pinkamena declared defiantly, her cocky personality returning her confidence. Now The Voice’s plans can play into action. But, she still had to be careful. Ponies were like toys, if you play with them too much, they’ll break.