An Existential Nightmare in Equestria

Chapter 4: The Worst Pegacorn of All-Time

Music: http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=2ZfiyMKWPYs

My head was still spinning as I laid immobile, trying desperately to regain coherence, and it wasn't long before Fluttershy became still enough to look me right in the eye. Just a few waking days as a pony had been all I needed to dig into an impressive web of intrigue, and as I peered into the startled visage of the subtle mare, I found myself hoping that my wanted poster wasn't already affixed to the outside of her tree-house (or something equally congruent with my recent luck). I paused for a time as if trying to decide what to say, but ultimately my efforts proved unnecessary.

"Paraspriiiiiiiite!" shouted Fluttershy. She was whirling into a panic, but it was really about the most comical falsetto shout I'd ever heard. I squinted rather appraisingly at Quote.

"Uhh... that's Quote. He's with me." I said with an unsure smile.

"...but you brought a parasprite out of the forest!?!" she squeaked.

"Well, technically speaking. I didn't really plan it, I mean... I was running for my life, and, er, manticore, and..." I forced a chuckle.

"Oh, but he's so cute! ...and you named him? Is he yours? Oh, but this is still bad. I shouldn't... Keep it together, Fluttershy!" she said, nervously hopping from one hoof to another.

"Relax..." I mumbled, trying to sound nice. I was still mildly disoriented. "I found him, like, five seconds before being attacked." I stopped.

Fluttershy blinked.

"OK, I know what you're thinking, but you can actually name something really fast if it's just the right moment. He showed up. He blinked at me. I was in a creative mood. Why is this such a big deal?"

Fluttershy squeaked.

"Ohhh!" I exclaimed in a moment of epiphany. "...you're worried that he might eat everything and become a plague that engulfs the town! That is bad!"

"Yes, it would be so dangerous if he stayed, but... buh..." Fluttershy said meekly. She began to well up with tears.

"What? Don't cry! I can probably just put him back! It'll be fine." I reassured. Being in the presence of a crying Fluttershy manifested a welling anxiety not unlike that of being stuck with someone else's unstable child.

"But if he's your p-pet, I can't ask you to abandon him! It's just too-*sniff*"

"It's fine, he probably wants to go back to his natural habitat anyway, right?" I asked. Quote frowned and vigorously shook back and forth. I had the time to mouth 'Come on!' at him before Fluttershy finally had it and broke into sobbing.

"Ugh!" I grunted. I tried desperately not to get frustrated. "Did you or did you not save me from a 400-pound lion-beast-thing yesterday?"

Fluttershy calmed down for a moment. "Well, sort of, but this is different!"

"You bet it is! This should be much easier to deal with..."

"Buh-"

"Oh for Pete's sake... let's just go put him back, already!"

I tried to turn myself over in bed and realized how extraordinarily sore I was from the run-in with said manticore. I resolved to call the condition a near-death hangover, and then slowly made my front hooves flop over the side. Thankfully, the bed was low to the ground and I was able to lazily slip out of it. If I hadn't known any better I'd have thought I weighed about 1000 pounds that morning. At least my four-legged posture was beginning to lose its novelty oddness.

"Oh my... you don't look so-" Fluttershy began, as I wavered a bit.

"Let's go!" I sighed. Quote zipped onto the end of my horn as I trudged across the wooden cottage floor, intentionally nudging Fluttershy in the direction of the door. She reluctantly followed me in silence.

"Just..." I heaved. "Stay behind me and be on the lookout for anything that looks like it belongs to a lion, OK?"

Fluttershy sighed and said "OK". We began on a short walk, first beyond the threshold of her freakishly-cute cottage home. Clusters of small animals met her at every turn which, although in-character, was pretty strange to behold. Then we pushed forth past a slightly rickety but brightly painted fence and toward a misty outcropping of trees. It was true that the Everfree forest actually appeared to be quite a refreshing, bustling slice of nature in the daytime (when I wasn't terrified). Deep undergrowth and the noises of many insects reminded me of some of my favorite hiking spots back on Earth. I didn't really enjoy the trip, though. It felt odd having a wimped-out Fluttershy trailing behind me and an emphatic parasprite in my hair. There's also the perfectly valid point that I was feeling battered and bruised and exhausted.

Oh, I should mention that it also felt odd being stuck in the body of a female pony, more so one that I had (presumably literally) only drawn into existence a few weeks prior. I was pretty sure that I hadn't really changed on the inside. I mean, I'd bet that even Chuck Norris would shed one or two nuclear mantears if he were filly-fied completely at random. Or... who was I kidding? Chuck wouldn't draw himself with frilly wings and tiny, cute horse-glasses in the first place. In a stupid 'quantum accident' sort of way I'd practically been begging for it, and I had to at least face the possibility that I just was a big weirdo who could cope with the idea of being his own cartoon character.

In earnest, I hadn't really had the chance to experiment with what it was like to be a pony, anyway, at least not from within normal circumstances. I'd been constantly knocked out and on the run since my inexplicable accident. In all my interactions so far, other ponies had seen me as and expected me to behave like a slightly-offish grey pegacorn, and the part of me that had always wanted to know what it would be like to be something else couldn't help but oblige them. Perhaps that was a weakness of mine, acting as both a defense mechanism and a bizarre personality quirk. Still, confessions and panic would have to wait.

"Ah, home!" I exclaimed when I saw the familiar small brook from the past evening. Before pausing to wonder how I'd stumbled across it given my previously divulged total and complete ineptitude for navigation, I happily realized it was the very same place where I'd found Quote just several hours prior. Fluttershy looked on worriedly as I flicked the little grey sphere from my mane only to have him flit about erratically and plant it somewhere else on my head.

"Come on, you're making this difficult!" I insisted. Quote stared at me with round, totally black, sad eyes. Before I knew it I was spinning about in circles and vainly swatting at him. I finally clamped him between my hooves again.

"Don't you have a parasprite family or something that misses you!?!" I asked. Quote shook vigorously.

"Don't you miss this place?" (I received a repeat performance.)

"Uh... wanna play hide and seek? I'll seek!" I spouted, unconvincingly. Quote blinked. I tried stepping back but he kept exactly the same distance from me at all times.

"Awwwwwww..." Fluttershy sniffled. "He must really, really like you."

"No. No he doesn't!" I snapped at thin air. "If he really liked me, he'd go back to whatever he was doing yesterday afternoon and leave me be. I'm a walking disaster, and heck, I feel like I've been straight through Tartarus this week, and I don't need the pressure of carrying a town-devouring insect everywhere I go!"

Quote let out a low lamenting chirp and reluctantly turned about. I sighed knowing that I had won, but a pang of guilt for the tiny creature still stuck.

"Uh, well it's nothing personal you know..." I coughed, and there was a lengthy pause.

----------------------------------------------

Fluttershy looked better as we walked together out of the forest. Several minutes passed before it was she who broke the silence.

"Um, if you don't mind me asking, what was your name again?" she asked.

"I guess I never told you. It's, uh, Query." I said dolefully.

"Are you OK, Query?" she asked. The question was so terribly, sugary sweet coming from her. I kept my eyes on the hoof-prints appearing behind my front legs.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I can usually tell when somepony is-"

"Absolutely fine!"

"Oh... umm, OK. Well, you look like you might cr-"

"Nope! You're seeing things." *sniff*

Somewhere inside my head I was screaming: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I had totally freaked out and bawled when I first became aware of my pony-predicament. Sure, understandable. Banishment and fugitive status were a bit unsettling and tough to cope with. Heck, I was still pretty terrified by the notion that the entire royal guard was probably scouring the countryside for signs of me. OK, I'd cut myself some slack there, but I just could not believe that I was in such a state that tearing up in front of someone after telling-off a bug had become an option. Fluttershy kept to herself after that as we gingerly approached the entrance to the forest again.

"We could go back and check on him." Fluttershy added, somehow even more quietly.

"Nah." I said bluntly.

"Maybe later?"

A few things happened out of nowhere and in quick succession. First, I shook my head. Then, I heard a distinct *fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* approaching me from the distance. Finally, I felt something softly pelt me in the back of the head. Fluttershy and I both plunked down on our haunches just meters from the forest gate near her back yard. I had time to squeak out 'really?!?' before she and I were just leaning against each other and sniffling.

In between snirks, I managed to ask: "Why does being a pony have to be so hard???"

Fluttershy, in the same manner, responded forlornly: "I. Don't. Know."

Then with almost comical timing, we both snapped out of it at once and looked straight at Quote...

"Uhh, Fluttershy?"

"Yes?"

"What do we do now?!?!"

"I don't know!!!!"

A short period of panicked scampering followed until we both wound up in an accidental yellow and grey head-butt. (It must have hurt to be the non-pegacorn.)

"Wait!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't I think of it before?! We should go see my friend Twilight before this gets all out-of-hoof! I'm sure she'll know what to do. We should hurry!"

She wasted no time in galloping through the gate, and I have to be honest: my mood did a complete 180 the very instant I realized that I was going to personally knock on Twilight Sparkle's door. I did my best to shove aside the puzzling mixture of humiliation and fanboy-squee-explosion that was jostling about my head after having literally cried on Fluttershy. I felt a weird serenity knowing that at least she was as nice as I'd hoped. For the first time since my arrival, Equestria hadn't outright disappointed me.

So there I was: a scraped, dirty, emotional mess with twigs in my hair and an almost maniacal smile plastered across my face, the knowledge that I would very soon meet Twilight herself bouncing against my insides. Quote still clung to my hair and I really couldn't make out his expression. For an unusually smart-seeming little creature, well, he was still just a bug, right? It was a very bright, misty morning and I was assaulted with a dewy smell that seemed to emanate from everywhere. I guess Fluttershy really did live on the edge of town, because as we made our way down the stony path in front of her cottage I saw nothing but trees for a while.

"It's not much farther!" Fluttershy huffed from in front of me. It was mildly embarrassing to realize that she could easily outrun me and needed to keep stepping back. I wondered how I'd managed to beat all those guards from before. (Heavy armor?) She was right, though, as I soon noticed a few pastel-colored rooves peeking above the rapidly thinning wall of trees, and then we broke free onto the crest of a hill and I stopped in my tracks.

Ponyville.

Imagine some hopeless Star Trek fan actually meeting Leonard Nimoy in person... no, that's too plausible, I suppose. Imagine that same dude being picked up in a Ferrari belonging to Leonard Nimoy and then promptly being beamed onto the bridge of the actual U.S.S Enterprise where an attractive green woman waits to present him with a solid-gold Bat'leth. There we go.

I was looking at Ponyville. It was bigger than I had imagined and sported several dozen similarly-themed buildings which were architected in a style I could only label as 'effeminate-rustic'. There were ponies dotted about with adorable hats and baskets and whatnot. A long line of stalls and makeshift shops lined a few of the paths I could see at the center of town. The ponies were walking slowly and deliberately to go about their business in the morning mist, and the whole place seemed to exude an atmosphere of peace. I couldn't help but feel like something was off, though. The very air carried a vibe of 'relief'. Relief from what? From whom? I considered the possibility that maybe I was just paranoid and thinking to myself. Then again, I-

"Query? Yoo-hoo?"

I was still distant.

"QUERYYYYYYY!" Fluttershy screamed as she energetically waved a hoof in front of my face. I started, flipping over onto my back with wings outstretched. Quote began yanking my mane in the direction of the town as if he had become tired of waiting.

"Oh, oh no! Are you OK?" Fluttershy asked, peering over me. She had resumed her ultra-demure status.

A drawn-out sigh escaped from me.

"I'm so sorry I yelled at you. It's just, I was trying to get your attention for ten minutes but you just kept staring at the town with your mouth open and I was worried and-"

"OK, OK, I'm fine-" I started. "It's called slack-jawed delight and I'm sure it happens to every, er, pony from time to time..."

Fluttershy paused for a bit too long and flatly said "y---yes."

"You're not buying that, are you?"

"Well, it's just... you really don't look well and I probably should have kept you in bed..."

"Nah..." I said, twisting onto my feet. "Let's just take care of my little parasprite problem with this 'Twilight' lady first, and then I'll just pass out unwelcome on her couch or something." What followed was an agonizingly slow trot into town. It was punctuated by an endless defensive banter back-and-forth with my new caring, yellow friend. I was dizzy and had little opportunity to appreciate the tall, colorful buildings and gawking ponies of various ages as we approached our destination.

"She lives in that big tree up ahead. It's our town library." Fluttershy spoke. "Twilight knows more about magic than anypony else in Ponyville, and she's such a super-good friend. I'm sure she'll know what to do!"

"Pff... I knew that..." I chucked absent-mindedly.

"You.... did?"

"Oh, uh, no. I mean, you just told me."

Fluttershy blinked.

The fact that I was injured and dizzy didn't stop a childish spark of energy from welling within me as I bolted for the door of the colossal tree with its many windows and high balcony. I reared up and started rapping on the door with my right hoof. It was perhaps a bit more obnoxious and loud than I would have planned.

"Twilight Sparkle!!!! Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle!" I shouted at the door, bouncing slightly. There was a clanging sound from inside the library, then a crash as if something made of glass had met its end. A few seconds later the door handle was engulfed in a purplish glow and it swung open, leaving me waving my hoof in the air like a moron.

The voice of Twilight sighed loudly. "I'm really sorry, but the library is closed today. Would you mind coming back tomorrow?"

I was staring directly down my blunt muzzle at the mug of Twilight Sparkle, but it was not what I had been expecting. She was hunched over with baggy, creased eyelids and a mane frayed out in every direction. She was her distinct purple self, but also bloodshot and twitchy. She looked nearly as bad as I did. My clockwork masterpiece of a mind screamed into motion, allowing only the most astounding and eloquent first impression to percolate its way up from the froth of my consciousness.

".......hi." I squeaked, with a tone not unlike that of a mouse. The door of the tree-library gently smacked me in the face. After a moment of looking about, Fluttershy nudged me out of the way and began speaking to the door.

"Twilight, I'm really sorry to bother you, but..." She began. A long pause followed. "Are you still there? Twilight?"

"Fluttershy?" the door responded, as it swung open again with a series of hollow metal sounds.

"Can we come in?" Fluttershy asked.

"Sure, I guess so..." was the dejected response.

Fluttershy and I made our way past the threshold and into the rather rustic interior of the tree. It smelled just like an antique home to me and things were a little darker than they should have been. It seemed Twilight had neglected to open most of the blinds on the first floor.

"Twilight, is something wrong?" Fluttershy asked, scooting up to her long-time friend. I wanted to smack a hoof against my head and say: "Well, clearly!"

"Are you kidding?!?" Twilight screeched in exasperation. "What could possibly be wrong?!? It's not like we just got over weeks of uninterrupted nighttime. I mean, I know I sure haven't been awake since last month waiting for some sort of letter from a certain mentor that still, by the way, hasn't even shown up!" Her voice cracked hysterically right at the end.

Fluttershy squeaked and Twilight pointed her head downward.

"Look... I'm sorry, Fluttershy. I just haven't been this worried in a while. I mean, it's daytime again, but... Anyway, what did you need?"

"Actually, Fluttershy brought me here because of a little 'predicament'..." I interjected.

"...and who are you? I don't think I've seen you around Ponyville before." Twilight asked. She seemed mildly more composed, but eyed me up and down, nevertheless. I think she may have blinked a few times at the ridiculous cutie-mark. It dawned on me that probably no pony had ever gotten to choose their own cutie mark, so naturally I had cosmically blundered the design of my own. I was already beginning to wish that I'd put something insipid there, like a flower, which no filly nor colt would have bothered to wonder about.

"T-T-Twilight?" I sputtered.

"No, I'm Twilight. Who are you?"

"No, I mean... you're really Twilight Sparkle?!?"

She actually chuckled at the sheer silliness of my star-struck inquiry and said: "Well, I'm nopony else." Then, motioning her hoof in the air, she added: "And you are?"

I hugged her.

...and for slightly too long, I suppose, because she slid me back with a hoof whilst chuckling uncomfortably.

"Uhh... sorry. I'm Query." I managed, probably turning tomato-red under all my fur at the realization I'd evolved the tact of a six-year-old. Twilight brushed a bit of the dirt I was covered in from her left foreleg.

"Oh, that's OK. You look like you've been having a rough day." Twilight said with a forced chuckle.

"I guess can't argue there. I'm here because of this extraordinarily emotional, clingy, color-coordinated parasprite that I can't seem to get rid of. It feels like a really bad idea to just carry him around complacently." A thrashing of my mane sent Quote out into the room.

"...and he really likes Query! Just look at his little face... there must be some way she can keep him." Fluttershy added.

"Oh no... not these again!" Twilight sighed. "OK, so I get it now: You're new here so you asked around and of course anypony would recommend Fluttershy for help with animals. That must have been how you two met!"

"Sort of... actually, last night I almost got mauled near her back yard and she essentially karate-kicked a manticore and dragged my unconscious body indoors." I admitted.

"Oh..." There was silence. "Wow... are you OK?" Twilight's ears perked up.

"I guess so. I'm still a bit dizzy."

Twilight displayed a friendly smile. "Well, at least you'll be happy to hear that after a nasty parasprite incident that occurred right here in Ponyville a few years ago, I took the liberty of reading up on them... aaaaaaand I have just the perfect book to help you out!" Looking more and more pleased, the split-ended Twilight began walking about the room, magically upsetting various shelves around the inner circumference of the library. I think she was happy just to be distracted from herself, and this gave me an opportunity to get a better look at my surroundings. I'd have to admit that the library was slightly narrower inside than my imagination would have predicted, but most of the shelves, on different levels, continued dizzyingly high up the trunk of the tree. There were a few small staircases with landings, and I saw a number of doors to rooms that I hadn't been privy to from watching the cartoon back on Earth. However, I resisted the urge to further creep-out Twilight by snooping around her house immediately after introducing myself. That didn't really help me though, because I promptly failed to think about what I was saying.

"I wonder where Spike is..." I mumbled. I peered about nervously, unsure if it might have been ill-advisable to accidentally speak out of (however pointless) otherworldly clairvoyance.

Twilight turned to Fluttershy and myself and said "My, you and Fluttershy must have been chatting up a storm! He's still asleep in the observatory. I don't have it in me to wake him since I still feel bad about keeping him up last night with my pacing..." Twilight returned to her search and Fluttershy glanced at me with an odd look. I fidgeted about and tried to tell if I could hear any snoring coming from up above.

Moments later, a victorious cry came from Twilight. "A-ha! This is the spell you're after. It renders parasprites harmless without vanishing them or producing any even remotely orange-related side effects! It's super simple, too! I wish I'd found it a long time ago." A mildewy, green book whooshed over to me and hovered in front of my face, practically in assault. I was able to make out the title on the cover, again in that weird Equestrian script: "Perennial Pests, Plus Perfunctory Pedestrian Countermeasures" The Equestrian alphabet seemed to have a phobia for curves and I was still painfully slow at recognizing the letters. I decided to remove my glasses and rub them on the barrel of my chest, making them only smudgier in the process.

"So... just cast that on him and you'll be all set." Twilight added.

I think I audibly gulped as a few drops of sweat made their journey across my forehead. Apparently the book of magic sported a lot of fine print, and the center of the page was overwhelmed by an odd-looking circular diagram. It was like an ornate ring with stacks of a few different symbols arranged neatly in separate regions. I gathered that I was essentially staring at some sort of 'magical equation' or something. The first thing that came to mind was: "Well, Twilight, I don't think I can do this because I'm an otherworldly being in a pony suit with no understanding of magic whatsoever." Of course, I couldn't say that. What would Twilight have said if I just blurted it, though? I feared that, like with everything, she would try to involve me with the Princess. Twilight's default reaction: write a letter. It's obvious why I wouldn't have wanted that to happen. It's also obvious that as a fugitive from the Princess, hanging around with Twilight Sparkle was probably the dumbest thing I could have possibly been doing at the time.

"Oh, and be advised to use caution if you'll be carrying him around Ponyville, since, well, some of us still have nightmares." Twilight added to her statement again, chuckling, but with an expectant grin.

"You can do that spell, right?" Fluttershy asked, innocently.

"Of course she can." Twilight retorted. "I haven't known too many pegacorns, but most of the books I've read say that they're born with innate magical abilities on par with even relatively gifted unicorns... at the very least in a particular realm of magic, that is." I looked at the two, desperately wanting to know why Twilight had even asked me in the first place. Suddenly, it dawned on me as I understood the gleam in Twilight's eyes: "She's an egghead, and she wants to study some pegacorn magic... crap." In retrospect, I'm sure there were at least a dozen clever ways out of that situation, but sadly (or otherwise) I just went on acting like myself.

"Oh, yeah... no problem. I, uhh, just need to stretch first." I coughed. As I leaned forward in an attempt to steel myself for what may have been an epic exercise in bullshittery, I heard Twilight mumble 'stretch first' under her breath as she scribbled on a piece of parchment. "OK, Query..." I thought to myself as I figuratively searched around the interior of my head for a genuine pegacorn with a clue. "No dice... just cobwebs, equations, and pop-culture trivia... I have no idea what I'm doing, as per usual." With nowhere to run, I bent over Quote and concentrated with all my might.

I think the next thirty seconds sounded something like "HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG! GRRRRRRRRRR! *gasp*" during which time Twilight Sparkle opened and closed her mouth more than once with little sound. Finally, in a pitiful display, a single green spark shot, no, lazily fluttered from the tip of my horn and made its way to the ground. I collapsed on the rug from exhaustion.

"Uh, girls?" I began muffledly, without lifting my head from the floor. "I think my recent series of head trauma events may be catching up with me."

It was a lame save and I thought I was done for! I just waited there for the inquisition to begin. From the mouth of Twilight Sparkle herself, a non-magical pegacorn just wouldn't have made any sense in Equestria. Needless to say, I was quite surprised by the reaction that followed from a frazzled purple pony with rapidly-shrinking pupils.

"Oh, my Celestia!" Twilight shouted very quickly and with concern. "I----I'm so sorry, Query! You looked terribly weak from the moment you came in here. I shouldn't have ever asked you to do that..." Before I could really say anything, a purple-glow-engulfed bench was traveling across the room on its own as Fluttershy and Twilight flipped and/or hoisted me upon it.

"If I can just make it up to you... you really should rest here for a while." Twilight added as a slightly itchy quilt was tossed over me.

After some time, Fluttershy and Twilight were on the far side of the room with teacups. I was surprised to be aware that I really was becoming drowsy. I dozed on and off whilst catching bits of conversation.

"Oh Fluttershy, now I really feel terrible! Can anything else possibly go wrong?" Twilight asked. “Oh Twilight, if you only knew the truth!” I thought. My stomach was more than a bit turned by the reality of my guilt. I couldn’t bear that the whole ‘weeks of darkness’ thing which had just caused untold hardship for Equestria, not to mention my hero Twilight, was secretly all my fault (although not purposefully so).

"It's OK, Twilight. Query's really tough! You should have seen her pull me back into the forest right after she woke up! She was so afraid of what she'd done by taking on Quote as a hitchhiker."

"What?!?"

"It's like she didn't even know that the manticores would be twice as grumpy during the daytime..."

"Uh, Fluttershy, speaking of that... what was she doing before the attack? Did you find out why she was in the forest or where she came from?"

I quickly slammed my huge eyes shut and made snoring noises in avoidance.

"Well, not exactly..." Fluttershy replied.

Suddenly though, my concentration was shattered as I heard another familiar voice, preceded by a long, drawn-out yawn.

"Whoa, Twilight, what's all the excitement about?" a tiny purple dragon asked groggily as he pattered down one of the staircases across the room.

"SPIKE!!!" I shouted ecstatically, bolting upright from my 'slumber'. There was a moment where I just awkwardly stared at all three small-talking Ponyville residents as they did the same from across the room, before I silently retreated behind the backboard of the bench once more.

"Who's that?" Spike asked, looking at Twilight.

"No one." I coughed. There was a short silence.

"-pony!" I added. "I mean, nopony. Pretend I'm not trying to sleep in your foyer!"

Twilight laughed an exhausted laugh. "I'll introduce you to Query later, Spike. Maybe we should all go upstairs and chat..." I gathered that Twilight had deciphered my less-than-subtle hint.

"Actually, that's OK, Twilight." Fluttershy responded. "I just remembered I left some carrots simmering on the stove, and Angel always burns them if I leave him alone for too long... I'll come back and see you later, OK?"

Twilight reassured Fluttershy and sent her on her way. "That bunny sure is a character. I wish I'd looked for him instead of bolting out of the cottage." I thought to myself. On second thought, I wondered if it was really necessary to drive myself nuts with meeting everyone. I supposed that meeting people, er, ponies, which I'd only known to be cartoon characters before was like cocaine for me. Anyway, it wasn't long before I heard Spike and Twilight making their way up the stairs.

"Geez, Twilight..." Spike began. "It looks like you could use a nap, too. Did you even sleep last night?"

"Well, I... suppose I could..." she replied. "-but what are you going to do?"

"The same." Spike replied confidently, followed by another drawn-out yawn.

"Spike, you're unbelievable..." Twilight said with a warm smile. Then, they both disappeared with the gentle 'thunk' of another wooden-framed door.

"How am I going to get out of this mess?" I wondered, as my head met the semi-soft cushion of the bench. "Talking to all these ponies is fun, but I know last week's whole 'trial' thing might catch up to me sooner or later." My inner monologue was short-lived, as it stuttered and blurred with my fading consciousness. I was so tired that I could no longer worry myself awake. A thrashing slumber took hold.

------------------------------------------------------

I was in an eerily familiar place. Cap? Check. Gown? Check. Inexplicable sweating? That too.

"And it is with great pleasure that I welcome our valedictorian to the stand, on behalf of all these fine students and staff, to deliver his speech. May we see a bright light in both the past and the future!" A voice boomed out over a crackly speaker system.

"Not this again!?!" I thought. "How many times do I have to relive this song-and-dance?"

I was reminded that I was in a dream and resistance was therefore futile, because I quickly found myself before a crowd of thousands with no idea how I'd gotten there. My knuckles were white against the rickety on-stage podium and I was given no choice but to unfold my familiar speech. I began to read my favorite poem aloud:

"Here's to The Crazy Ones. The misfits. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes---"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed an agitated clump of people in the front row. "READ IT AGAIN!" I knew this wasn't how the dream usually went...

I picked up the page from the podium and scanned across the line for a second time: "The round pegacorns in the-"

"Now that's just stupid!" I yelled aloud, my voice cracking. "What are you getting at?" I shouted in a higher tone. My voice?!?!?

The crowd of thousands roared and churned with raucous laughter as I realized I was balancing the poem on grey hooves. A horn upset my cap and large grey wings 'fwomped' through the back of my gown. I let out a shriek, a girly shriek, and stuffed myself under the podium as groups of onlookers began to shout rude phrases at me. I teared up with humiliation as I hid from sight, that was, until the podium just wasn't there. Dreams can be strange that way.

Then my old High School gym teacher, Mr. Loven, jumped up onto the stage. I hated that guy. "I always did call you a lady when you missed out on the basketball team!" he snarked. This only garnered even more intense eruptions of laughter. "What's your name, Creampuff?"

"I'M STILL ME!" I shrieked unintimidatingly as I welled up with rage.

"I think you need a name, my little pony!" he cackled. "Perhaps the crowd would like to decide?"

"QUERY, QUERY!" chanted the crowd.

"That's right, everyone: the man you once looked up to is gone and has been replaced by this pathetic creature… of his own imagination, I might add!" The noise was unbearable!

"NOOOOOO!" I shrieked at everything and nothing. "HOW COULD YOU EVEN HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE YOURSELVES?!?! LIVING JUST TO CONFORM TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE EXPECT ISN'T LIVING AT ALL! STOP LAUGHING!" I spoke the last words with all the commanding energy of a twinkie.

Suddenly I was dizzy and stepping back as a thick fog enveloped everything.

"...and you've solved your problem by becoming that?" came an unidentifiable, seething voice.

"I'm not really a pony!" I shouted.

"That's right, you're not even good enough to be a pony!"

"What? No, not like that! Then I am a pony! I AM A PONY!"

"If you insist..."

"Huh?"

I felt something touch me on the back and whirled around to see that it was a hoof clad in a golden shoe. Celestia smirked with the most awful 'gotcha' smile and whispered "guilty".

"I'M NOT A PONY!" I cried desperately. I shook hysterically until everything faded to white.

------------------------------------------------------

"-NOT A PON-" escaped my lips as I bolted upright from my accursed slumber, dripping with sweat. "Great... I get to have transformation-induced nightmares now. Keep it together!" I thought to myself. "It was just a dream. I mean, I keep expecting the whole pony thing to wind up just as a dream, but..."

"Ohhhhh..." I groaned aloud. "C'est la vie, or something." I suppose a chuckle escaped me. "Since when is life like this?" I silently wondered whether or not there were other accidental ponies out there in the multiverse... an interesting and suddenly not-so-unbelievable possibility. I didn't want to drive myself crazy with that train of thought, though, figuring it would only end in Heartbreak.

"Are you OK?" asked a familiar voice. I hadn't yet seen that Spike was standing only feet away and fell startled off the bed with a "Waaaah!".

"..........elaborate." I coughed.

Spike gave an uneasy laugh. "You're Query, right? Twilight didn't say much about why you're here. She's still sleeping upstairs, by the way..." I supposed that statement was a hint to keep it down. He must have really been worried about Twilight.

"Yeah, I'm..." I paused. That dream had knocked the wind out of me (or I had). I shortly considered that maybe pretending to be something I wasn't was fast losing its fun and I half wanted to spill the beans to Spike. Still, my mouth formed the sounds: "Query."

"So you're not a pony, huh?" he asked. My brain stopped.

"How did you-bu-what?" I gasped.

"Relax! It sounded like you were having nightmares down here. You were pretty loud, actually. When I have nightmares, not that it happens very often, mind you, Twilight always says it helps to talk about them. That, and I wanted to see if you were doing all right..."

I yawned, slumping onto my haunches. False alarm. "Everypony does keep asking me that same question... and I don't want to talk about my dreams. They're stupid."

"Well, no offense, but you don't exactly look all right... That could have something to do with it."

"Huh?"

Spike reached over and pulled a twig out of my tail. He leaned back and started picking his teeth with it. To be honest, I was nearly angered by the cuteness, but indeed, I was still fairly gross-looking.

"Careful, even I don't know where that's been." I snorted. "You're right, maybe a pony bath is in order. You don't think Twilight would mind, do you?" A flick of my tail sent an errant leaf wafting into the kitchen as Spike embarrassedly dropped the twig. I immediately began to like him.

"Uh, no. Make yourself at home!" he chimed. I paced over to the far side of the room and eyed a door. They were stupidly similar to doors made for humans, in all honesty. At least a wide pad to engage the door latch combined with a relatively low handle-height made them usable in pony form.

"That's the storage closet. You'll wanna go upstairs." Spike added. I managed a 'thanks' and trudged my way over to them. The stairs were made of lightly-colored wood and far too narrow, but to forgo another discussion about ponies and stairs, it's acceptable to merely state that they aided me in reaching a higher landing. *creeeeak*

Twilight Sparkle's bathroom was painted in the worst shade of purple.

"I'll just take a bath with my eyes closed..." I thought to myself. At least I was pleasantly surprised by hoof-operable lights and a very clearly identifiable human bathtub and sink. Even the toilet and fixtures were exactly as per normal on Earth. I resisted the temptation to rage "WHYYYYYYYY?" with the perfectly agreeable excuse that it was just going to cause a snowball effect. Why was I now a talking horse? Why did a baby dragon just give me directions to the loo? Why was the universe so cruel that I'd been forced to come so far and not see a single pair of emergency edible boots? Those thoughts were pushed aside as I started filling the tub. I poured in a... damn... yes, a whole bottle of soap. I probably needed it, anyway. Soooooory, Twilight! I met the tub with an unceremonious plunge, the thought that I just may have been forgetting something pulling at my mane.

A dripping quote rocketed from one of the tufts of my mane and emitted a series of very pissed chirrups. I guessed he was cursing me in parasprite. He flitted angrily past the door and I suppose I started and laughed and hiccupped a few times in quick succession. My tiny glasses weren't damaged and they buffed out nicely as I leaned back in the tub. Then, all four hooves rose in the air a bit comically, almost as if in salute. "I can't decide if this is the coolest or the most awful thing that's ever happened to me..." I thought. I remembered how I'd felt during the dream and was unable to confirm whether being a girly horse was humiliating or not. I'd never identified as a 'tough guy' or acted particularly 'manly' before my incident of sorts. I always assumed that people who had to be masculine in all interactions were just insecure. As far back as I could remember I had always watched horror movies and mixed martial arts and ponies every weekend. Something had always told me that gender should have been a secondary characteristic in terms of identity-building, plus pony society appeared to be more than a little bit feminist-leaning at times, which worked out but perhaps did irk me slightly.

The morbid thought crossed my mind that at least I wouldn't have to worry about stallions once they tossed me in the insinuated dungeon in Zebra-land, or wherever Celestia wanted to send me. Like a big anxiety-stone weighing down my mind, the thought that I would most-likely be caught sooner or later hung in the air. Maybe if I told the truth she'd have me sent to an insane asylum instead... That was enough, though. I knew it couldn't help to dwell on those thoughts. If I had to be a pony, I'd at least squeeze some short-sighted fun out of it before luck caught up to me. If I'd been asked months prior what I thought I'd be doing at present, I probably would not have responded: 'Why, covering myself in Twilight Sparkle's shampoo, or course!' It smelled nice but I couldn't really figure out what it was. "It's magic-scented shampoo!" I thought, and I went with it.

Once all was said and done, brushing wasn't really an issue. Query's hair loved to snap back into the jagged pattern I'd originally envisioned it in with minimal prodding. Despite nervously rubbernecking to see if anyone was watching, I decided against touching Twilight's perfume. Well, maybe just a tiny bit... A proudly sparkling new Query descended the stairs to meet... Spike and Twilight in the kitchen? How long had I been in there?!? From the look of the light shining in through the windows (which were un-blinded again) it appeared to be late-afternoon.

"Hey Query, you look great!" Twilight chimed. She was more awake now and had fixed her mane, but still wasn't completely composed. I knew of her penchant for going totally off-the-handle when things went wrong. If messing with the Princess was a big deal for Ponyville/Equestria as a whole, then it was an even bigger deal for Twilight, and again I felt nauseated realizing that she'd probably loathe me if she ever knew the truth.

*sniff* "Is that my perfume?" Twilight asked.

"Uhh......"

She laughed. "I didn't think anypony else would like that. I bought it a year ago but Rarity just kept telling me how awful it was..." A tiny Query inside my mind was shaking her head.

"Oh..." Twilight added. "I fixed up Quote for you just now. He's 100% non-volatile. Just remember what I said before... and, Query?"

"Yes?"

"Well, sorry again for this morning."

"Aww, it's fine. You had no way of knowing I was a frau-f-fraaaaaaught with-you know-tired. You looked pretty shot, too! That sort of thing could happen to anypony." I still puked in my mouth a bit each time I said 'anypony'.

Twilight chuckled uncomfortably and asked "So, what exactly were you doing in the Everfree forest when Fluttershy found you? She seemed preoccupied and didn't really talk much about it."

"Uhh..." I stalled. "I... had a minor incident..."

Twilight gave a suspecting look. I was already beginning to miss Fluttershy, who had simply shied away from my evasive answers. "What sort of incident?"

"I may have fallen off some kind of train or train-like vehicle..."

Twilight gasped. "That's terrible!!!! Weren't you traveling with anypony? Why didn't they stop the train?"

"I was alone, and, well, nopony saw me."

"Where are you from, anyway?" Twilight asked.

"DAMMIT!" I thought. I didn't know if there existed an Equestrian analog for New England and I couldn't mention I had been in Canterlot. In typical Query-fashion, I tossed all my chips on the table. "Uhh, I was headed here for a vacation from my home in, uh, Eastern Neigh England!"

"Oh, that is far away!" Twilight said with a scrupulous look. "If I'm remembering correctly, my friend Rarity knows a few ponies from that region. Do you... have a place to stay for the night?" I wiped the sweat from my brow.

"I was, uh, just going to stay... in a hotel when I got here! Haven't you ever heard of just 'winging it' on vacation?" I flapped my wings a few times and gave a stupid grin.

"I have..." Twilight responded. She made a face that said: "Eww, no checklists?"

Twilight stared for a moment and added "You know there aren't any hotels in Ponyville, right? I think there's a bed-and-breakfast four or five streets over, though. Do you feel like going for a walk? It's probably only 25 bits per night or something."

I pawed at the floor. "Uhh, Twilight?"

*sigh* "Yes, Query?" I could tell she was becoming more and more agitated by my evasiveness.

"Let's just say, hypothetically, what if I were completely broke in the wake of said train-related incident?" I received an 'are you kidding me?' look.

"Why would you go on vacation to a random, tiny town? Do you even know anypony who lives here?"

"...................yes."

"They would be....?"

"Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy."

Twilight face-hoofed as I began to worry about the grave I was digging. As much as I adored Twilight and wanted to spend every free moment I had left drinking tea in her kitchen, I didn't think I could fool her for long. I was a terrible liar and she was fast becoming highly interrogative, so I reluctantly made a decision.

"Look, I'm sorry, Twilight." I began. "Thanks for the help. I'm just gonna get out of here..." Twilight blankly stared as I slowly made my way to the front door and experienced great difficulty in unlocking it. I thought about shouting "You might wanna pick up some soap tomorrow!" but I refrained from doing so. I stepped out and sniffed the lukewarm air with the door closing briskly behind me. Funnily enough, I thought twilight (the time of day, that is) was fast approaching. "What now?" I wondered as my stomach growled its dissent. As I coiled up to bolt down the road and get away from it all (possibly including further emasculation via pony-tears) Quote decided to yank my mane with surprising strength.

"Owwwww!" I yelled. "What now?" He just wouldn't stop tugging. I was frustrated, but eventually he pestered me back in the direction of... one of Twilight's window boxes? Mmmmm, they were filled with exceptionally strong-scented yellow flowers. I may have drooled slightly.

"Eww, no, Quote. I still have some dignity!" I whispered through gritted teeth. He just kept tugging on me and rolling his eyes. I looked at him and then back to the flowers. Without thinking (and in surrender) I scoffed up a big clump of them in one bite. They were, well, mushy and horrible. I decided I didn't really like flowers but hunger permitted me to swallow. The sensation of consuming them was probably on par with snorting the contents of a tea-bag.

"Thanks Quote, I feel great now." I whispered sarcastically. "Maybe Twilight will hear me out here and come smack me with a broom or something." The reality of technically being a homeless pony was not looking attractive. Yikes though, Quote was still pulling at my hair?!?

"What's your problem?!?" I whispered. He had only time to roll his eyes again before I heard muffled sounds from the other side of the window. I ducked low.

"Well I liked her... she was funny." Spike said.

"...I know, Spike... It's just... something is clearly wrong with that pony and I just don't have the nerves to deal with it! I can't believe a word she says." Twilight replied.

"I won't exactly argue... but I don't feel so good about watching her leave that way... we all go through tough times, don't we?"

"Spike..."

"Twiliiiiiight..."

Twilight sighed. "Maybe you're right, Spike. I haven't quite been feeling myself lately, and Query could sure use a dose of harmony..." I quickly scuffled out into the road as I heard hoofsteps echoing from inside the building, and then the door to the library swung open again. Twilight's head popped out.

"Query???" she shouted, looking in every direction. "I hope you're not gone yet!" She didn't have to say it twice as I ran up to the door with a smile. I was pathetic! All Twilight had to do was utter my name to make me instantly reconsider a rational decision.

"Query..." she began. ” I, well, you'll have to excuse me for not having been myself today. You're welcome to spend the night with Spike and I if you'd like to."

"Uhh... yeah! Definitely!" I squeed as I slid through the door. Quote slipped through in my wake at just the last moment before it closed like he was some sort of secret-agent parasprite. This time, Spike came right up to greet me before I made my way farther inside and sat down. Oh, and there's one of the things I liked about ponies right there: Haunches were like having a built-in chair that worked anywhere. That's something I felt every human was missing out on for not having tried at least once.

"You just make yourself at home and I'll put something simple together for dinner." Twilight said, calmly. "I have some really nice flowers growing in this planter that I pull out on special occasions! Hmm..." Twilight used her magic to effortlessly open the window and pull the box of yellow flowers inside.

"Huh?" she said with surprise. "I could have sworn there were more yesterday... Ah well..." I made a classic pony scrunchy-face and resisted laughing at myself. I was clearly not a genuine, harmonious Ponyville resident.

The next few hours of my evening were actually quite refreshing as Spike lead me to an upstairs room where I patiently watched him rifle through objects under a bed. He unclasped a box of gems given to him by Rarity and produced various other keepsakes he'd accumulated during his years with Twilight. The little guy sure could tell a story, too. He spoke like someone much older than he appeared to be, and I can't say it didn't strike me as a little bit eerie. He was so proud of the tiny little collection that I couldn't bring myself to joke about dragons being 'hoarders' by nature. I did, however, choose to stroke myself with some good, old-fashioned razzing.

"Uh, not to pry dude, but..." I began.

"Yeah?"

"Well, I couldn't help but notice that 80% of that stuff was somehow related to this 'Rarity' character."

"Oh... you noticed that, huh...?"

"It was more than a little obvious."

The tiny dragon blushed bright red and dug a claw into the hardwood floor.

"Well..." he said. He stopped for a while to think of what to say. "I can tell you about it, but you have to promise not to tell anypony, ever. Got it?"

"Relax, kid. My lips are sealed!"

"Do you Pinkie promise?" he asked sneakily. "...oh, and a Pinkie promise is, uhh... you have to... cupcake... well, it's pretty silly, actually, but it's a promise nopony dares to break."

"OK, OK, I Pinkie promise." I laughed.

"Well then, here goes..." Spike spoke barely audibly and with extreme speed. "IhaveacrushonRarity."

"It was pretty obvious!" I blurted.

"Wha... that obvious?!?"

"Your eyes were practically heart-shaped the whole time you were talking about her..."

Spike looked mortified, but I couldn't help but burst into a massive smile. I thought that perhaps what I'd done should have counted as an achievement. I mean, there should have been a brony trophy or at least a certificate for making Spike spill the beans. Anything for me to hang up on the mantle in my dungeon cell would do. Spike began pawing the ground more and more nervously.

"Well... if it's so obvious..." he began. “Well, what do you think?"

"Hmm?"

"I mean, you're a mare, Query... and so you know what they're like... so... well... do you think I'd even have a chance?" he asked, nearly muted. I couldn't believe that Spike had done it. He couldn't have! He'd somehow taken the one fun moment I'd had all afternoon and made me squirm under my skin. I suppose that as a defense mechanism I just kept forgetting what I looked like, and Spike's comment made me suddenly, brutally aware of what I was. I couldn't help but shift from side to side, nervously.

"Well, this conversation's been fun... I'm not really the authority on mares, so-" I began as I started to get up from my sitting stance.

"Come on, Query! You seem older than Twilight, and you must at least have an opinion? I can never talk to anypony about it. I'm just too embarrassed in front of Twilight's friends."

I burst into laughter. "Wow... I'm no lady, but you really don't know anything about mares!"

"Huh?"

"Well Query, you old horse, do you think I even have a chance?" I said in my very best Spike impression.

"Wait, that's not-"

"I know, Spike." I was tearing up at this point. "Look, I'm sure that if Rarity has even a tiny sense of humor she must adore you already. Don't worry about it!"

"But..." he asked. "Even though I'm a dragon...?"

"You're more fun to talk to than half the ponies I know. Dragons are great!" I added. "Yeah, half the ponies I know... one, two, three, four, five... well, not a lot" I thought to myself. At least I was able to do one good deed for the day. Spike beamed.

It wasn't long before Twilight called to us and we ate dinner as a group of three. The purple equine refrained from asking me further revealing questions, presumably only as a courtesy, and the flowers were really good when properly stripped and cooked and tossed with other greens. I mean, for a pony, that was. I figured I'd give myself a week before I'd start crying at the mere thought of a cheeseburger. Oh, bacon, my love! Anyway, I couldn't bear to linger on the subject. It wasn't long before Twilight and Spike decided to retreat to bed, leaving me alone with the bench I had napped on during the day.

Sleep didn't come, though. I upset the blanket in every possible orientation as the towers of books surrounding me waited silently and leered. With an exasperated sigh, I finally resorted to pacing about in the open. The question of how I'd even arrived in Equestria was still driving me completely mad. "Let's suppose there's a rational explanation for this, phony man-gone-mare..." I thought to myself. "I studied physics in college. How do you get to another universe in theory? Of course: A wormhole, perhaps?" It didn't make any sense, though. I had stared down the end of an experimental X-ray device... how the hell could that have created an unintended wormhole effect? I figured that producing any sort of observable wormhole effect for real would probably be the stuff of ten-mile-long particle accelerators and super high-energy collisions. Well, and then they'd probably be a nanometer long and microscopic and last for a femtosecond... "But... but suspend your disbelief and suppose if it were possible... Maybe the X-ray equipment hadn't necessarily caused the whole ordeal on its own."

I found myself absentmindedly pacing into another room of the library. Without thinking, I hit the lights and scanned around the study. To be honest, Twilight had quite a cozy little place to work, but for a normally organized unicorn there were certainly a lot of cluttered notes strewn about. She must have been working fervently on something before I dropped in. I sighed as I scanned the shelves, since the titles of most of the books didn't really thrill me:

"Practical Potions Purported to be Perfectly Potable"

"The Life and Times of Starswirl the Bearded"

"A Complete Unicorns' Guide to the Amniomorphic Spell"

What's this small book, I wondered as I squinted. "Fifty Shades of Hay?" I lifted my hoof for a moment, but then dropped it again, deciding I really didn't care to know. A few moments later my curiosity got the better of me as I tore it open. I chuckled out loud to learn that it was a detailed guide on grading and identifying various species of hay. “Enough, more books!” I thought.

"Silver Hammer's History of Equestrian Woodcarving"

"Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-Alls that are Simply Super" I knew that one!

"Advanced Topics in Calculus by Fetlock, Wintermane, et al." Bingo! I knew Twilight was a smart one, but I was really surprised to see a calculus book resting on her desk. "There might be something useful here after all!" I thought to myself. Perusal of a dusty corner shelf finally did yield the ultimate pony-science jackpot: "A Complete Deconstruction of Einstable's Theories of General and Special Relativity with Applied Field Equations" My wings shot upright and refused to go back down. (I wasn't really sure why.) Not wishing to disrespect Twilight, I moved some objects off the desk as gently as I could manage. After stuffing myself into a chair, I read for hours.

...and what I read didn't really wow me so much. Most of the material was familiar... until... no way... the cosmological constant! Cosmologists often used a ratio to quantify the rate of expansion of the universe back home. It was not what I expected: Equestria was in a more quickly expanding universe than the one I had originated from! As if I’d been shot in the head by inspiration itself, I stretched out a huge length of parchment on the table. A roll of masking tape served to secure a writing quill to my hoof as I mumbled to myself and drew a crude diagram showing the geometric (not topological) bridging of two points via an Einstein-Rosen bridge. (I refused to say Einstable, like, ever.) "Here's the format for a traversable wormhole metric... I've got field equations for Equestria in this book, and I remember my old magic number of 0.73 from back home where I paid attention in college... So, this is cool... I need a metric that can handle different universal laws on one end of the bridge... It's like, a system of field equations... fascinating... cool... hmm..."

I desperately wished I was smart enough to redefine some of the fundamental assumptions of cosmology overnight, but alas I wound up with a ten-foot-long roll of partial solutions and diagrams and even more questions. If I'd known my fate earlier in life, I would have devoted myself to learning everything about physics. I wondered if somewhere in Equestria there would be a Stephen Hawking pony I could talk to.

I was totally lost in thought, so naturally a however gentle shout of "Hey, Query!" sent me right out of my skin.

"Spike?" I asked.

"Somepony sure is up late..." he replied. "You can't sleep either, huh? I'm usually really great at sleeping, but I think I overdid it this afternoon. I thought it would all be future-Spike's problem..." Spike laughed.

"Well, yeah... I suppose I got real fidgety in bed... I-" I began.

"Whoa!!!" Spike interjected as he looked down upon the desk. "What are you working on? I had no idea you were an egghead like Twilight!" He scooted onto the chair right next to me.

"It's... late-night physics. Sometimes you jus-hey-what do you mean by having 'no idea'? I don't seem that smart to you?"

"No, no, it's not like that... I-" Spike began. I put a tiny black dot on his nose with my quill. "Heeeeey!" He retaliated by flicking the pen back in my direction. I decided to stop before we both wound up making a complete mess of Twilight’s study.

"I'm trying to find a traversable wormhole metric for two dissimilar parallel universes. Just, you know, a hobby of mine."

"Query... you don't get out much, do you?"

"Nope."

"But... but this is great! I bet you and Twilight actually have loads in common. I'm starting to get a feel for what that crazy cutie mark means!"

"I don't know, Spike. We probably have less in common than you'd think."

"What do you mean?"

"I... Spike..." I began. I shifted uncomfortably in the chair.

"Yeah, Query?"

"Well... will you promise never to tell anypony?" I asked.

"Uh, sure!"

"Will you Pinkie promise?"

"Cross my heart, hope to fly!" he said, robotically.

"Well..." I whispered. "sort of... it's..."

"Spit it out!"

"I-can't-do-any-magic-at-all" I blurted. Spike's jaw dropped straight to the floor.

"...but aren't you a pegacorn?"

"I'm not just a pegacorn, Spike, I'm the worst ever!" I curled up in a ball, wishing I could have headed back in time to tell myself to make an all-powerful, dungeon-proof, alicorn OC and put him on a t-shirt.

"Nahhh! That's OK, Query!" he said. "You're still great! ...and I bet Twilight would love to talk to you about science! ...and I won't ever, ever tell her if you don't want me to."

"Well... thanks, Spike. You're a good friend." I said. Our conversation descended into the mundane before he finally started to get groggy and bade me good-night. I tried to stay up and brainstorm further, but my gargantuan eyelids became heavier and heavier. Before I knew it I had passed out on the desk, only slightly covered in ink. At least I was blessed in my sleep with a great deal of nothing. No terrible nightmares haunted me. It was almost dreamless... Morning silently approached without my awareness.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I was grabbed from my restful state by the voice of Twilight Sparkle expectantly asking: "Query? Where have you gone?" I woke up in time to see the pile of paper and books strewn about in front of me and panicked. Quill? Back in the inkwell. The masking tape left my hoof with little stress, though it tasted bitter. I frantically rolled up my heap of parchment at the last moment and stuffed it with a pile of like scrolls in a crack between tables.

"Oh... there you are..." Twilight said as she burst into the room.

"Yeah, I guess I fell asleep last night while I was reading..." I replied. (For once, my speech wasn’t tap-dancing about her suspicious gaze.)

The last statement actually put a little gleam in her eyes. "Well, I hope you had fun, then!"

"Hiding in a library all night was, like, a silly ch-foalhood dream of mine!" I said.

"Well, come out here and get some OJ with breakfast." Twilight said, smiling. "...and, uh, I was thinking perhaps we should do something together this morning, you know, before you're on your way! I mean, only if you want to, of course."

"A friendly outing with you?" I squeed. "Of course I want to do that!"

Twilight smiled as I followed her out of the study. I wondered what she must have thought of my constant, unpredictable switching between ecstatic and evasive/doleful.

On the round kitchen table, a sandwich, mixed greens, and a tall glass of orange juice awaited me. I must admit that it was actually a very attractive breakfast for a pony. Bits of fruit and salad that I had enjoyed as a human (but hadn't found particularly filling) now left me content and relaxed. I smiled and watched Spike eat a bowl of cereal with emeralds as I barbarically scoffed the respectable meal. It could have been a normal-paced meal, but it wasn't. It was a standoff. Before I knew it I was steeling myself and staring menacingly into two green-rimmed, slitted pupils as their owner did the same to me. It was on. I practically punched half a sandwich into my mouth with a hoof as Spike opened his wide to force a whole stack of gems in. We were nearly tied as I threw my head back to chug a whole glass of orange juice and Spike lapped the last few drops of milk from the bowl. Sighing followed. I had only known him for a day, but Spike had already become the baby-faced little brother that I loved to tease.

"Well, just eww, Query!" Twilight said disgustedly. "Your manners are almost as bad as Spike's!"

"You sound just like my mother, Twilight." I quipped. "Now did you see who won or not?"

I sort of 'high-hoofed' the baby dragon from across the table as we both began to cackle. Twilight only stared and crinkled her nose, but as she turned around I couldn't help but hear a muffled snork that couldn't have been mine or Spike's. The startling thought crossed my mind that perhaps I was becoming even less-serious than before. Had I forgotten my life-situation? Did I no longer care?

Once breakfast was over and done with, Twilight lead me out into the street, refusing to reveal our destination. A barrage of prodding from me made her divulge that she had already planned to meet Rarity that morning, but no further details could be gleaned. We passed shops, houses, bakeries, and public sites of all sizes! I was a bit giddy at the opportunity to meet more of the mane six, and so my mind raced with all the possibilities as I bounced down the road next to Twilight. "Could it be? Are we going to make cider with Applejack, or maybe watch Rainbow Dash clear out all the clouds over Ponyville? What if Twilight has a magic show on her schedule, or Fluttershy needs an audience for her animal choir? Ooh, oooooh! I hope it's a picnic with Pinkie Pie! That would be amazing. Maybe she'll-"

"We're heeere!" Twilight sang as she shuffled me in through a glass door.

I stood inside the foyer of the Ponyville spa as one of the tiny Queries in my head raged with flailing wings and hissed "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-". Rarity was already seated in the back of the spa with dozens of curlers rolled up in her flawless, purple mane. My legs began to seize and resist Twilight's gesturing for an open chair as I was mentally traveling back to the hospital spa somewhere deep inside my mind. I could handle looking like Query, but this... this was crossing the girl-line.

"Ohhhhh, uhhhhhh... Well, I mean, this has been real nice, Twilight... you're a super friend and all... There's this, thing, I just remembered I'm supposed to be doing, and... I'm late, so... see ya. Thanks again! I'll call you!" I spouted sleazily, and coughed. My front hooves pushed the bar on the glass door to the spa as I stepped outside briskly, leaving an agape Twilight in my wake. The particular region of Ponyville I was standing in turned out to be surprisingly busy in the daytime as I worked my head left and right in survey of nearby shops and destinations. As I reared to bolt off in a non-spaward direction, however, something odd in the corner of one eye demanded full attention. My pony heart stopped for a brief moment.

I recognized the red-brush-topped helmet sliding between pony-heads amongst the bustling crowd, almost like a shark in a pool full of skittles. There had to be, without a doubt, a royal guard attached to the other end of it. I nearly kicked down the door of the spa with my change of plans. Once inside, I launched at the empty chair between Twilight and Rarity with the exact sound-effect of a bullet in a western saloon.

"I'm sorry!" I began. "I'm so absentminded! My appointment is scheduled for next week!" I was talking through a huge smile and with all the sincerity of a pony trying to sell a bridge.

"Uhh, well... OK..." Twilight said dumbfounded. "Rarity? This is Query. She stayed with me last night following the Everfree forest incident I was just starting to explain to you..."

"I'm a pegacorn!" received the trophy for the dumbest thing I'd ever said as I shook Rarity's hoof. My brain had stopped working as I put on an unbelievable, overly-chipper act out of sheer terror. My heart pounded in my chest as I felt the end of the line approaching. Several minutes passed while I listened to Twilight explaining what little she knew of my predicament, and Rarity 'ooh-ed' and 'aah-ed' and gasped in her usual dramatic manner, but I deceitfully claimed to be just fine. It wasn't long before Lotus Blossom and Aloe showed up, and I was finding it difficult to determine whether I'd rather face them or Celestia, herself. The spa ponies won by a narrow margin, and only because they had some of the most adorable accents I'd ever heard.

Twilight didn't talk much, as if it was her usual behavior to merely go along for the ride when at the spa. I, well, suspected otherwise. Unsurprisingly, Rarity broke the silence.

“Why hello, girls! Why don’t you two start us off with a few hooficures as per usual?” Rarity asked soothingly.

Aloe and her associate simply nodded and they both scoured nearby drawers, returning with identical, fine files in their teeth. As they moved to approach Rarity, she spoke up.

“Ah, ah, ah! Now Query, here, is a guest with us in Ponyville and I just wouldn’t feel right if she didn’t go first! Would you be so kind?” Rarity spoke, drawing another silent pair of nods from the super-frilly spa ponies.

“Query, darling…” Rarity turned to me. “I’m simply positive you’ll find these two can provide the most luxurious hooficure you’ve ever experienced in your life!”

I didn’t even know what to say anymore. A cracked smile was ever plastered across my face. “Just. Great.” I said quietly and without moving my jaw. With nowhere to run, I resolved to close my eyes and let the horror pass. The only thing I could feel was the gentle *schwing* of the files against my hooves, all four of which were immediately grabbed by the two spa workers. I felt as if I was being strung up like a chicken.

“My, my, miss Query…” Aloe said as I kept my eyes sealed. “You are far too tense! Fret not, for you are in capable hooves.”

“It is not every day we are given such an exotic pony to work on.” Lotus Blossom added. “You will not leave here as anything but beautiful and refreshed!”

I groaned pathetically.

“Relax, Query! What’s gotten into you? You’re worse than my friend Rainbow Dash!” Twilight whispered.

I went into a manliness coma as they ground my hooves into flawless shape whilst scolding me the entire time for being so rough on them. I squirmed as they insisted upon treating and curling my perfectly jagged Query-mane. I pleaded with both Twilight and Rarity as they insisted I’d look great with some purple polish on my hooves, and failed to escape the grip of what was (for them) only lighthearted teasing. For the first time in my life I ha-oh… never mind. I had worn mascara before. I have no desire to tell that story… There was also blush, and eyelash-curling, and me blushing, and-uuuuugh!

All in all, the traumatic experience left me a hollowed-out shell of the Query I once was (I was being dramatic). I only rocked back-and-forth in my chair as the other two mares received their own treatments and wouldn’t shut up about how great they felt. The thought that I was massively missing the appeal of everything bounced around in my head but didn’t stick anywhere. I was technically in-hiding and oh-so-close to being caught, but then, well, then… as much as I hated to admit it, things got pretty awesome.

More specifically: “Ho-o-o-f mass-a-a-ges are am-a-a-a-zing!” I managed to vibrato in between thumps. I was on a pony-tailored massage table with two sets of hooves tamping me vigorously on the back.

Aloe fluffed up my wings and scolded. “Oh dear… These beautiful wings are getting matted! Somepony hasn’t been flying often enough.” I desperately wanted to tell her to can it, but nothing was worth risking the end of a free full-body massage. I said nothing of the sort, but quietly thought “Wow, I… didn’t know they came with a maintenance schedule”. Could I even have flown if I wanted to? I mean, if there were some way for me to avoid mortal injury, I’d sure-as-hay have wanted to try! I knew the wings on my back to be ‘functional’. I could move them rather easily and smoothly, and I distinctly remembered catching some serious air immediately after jumping out of the castle window a few days prior.

Time passed. The spa ordeal was painfully long and drawn-out. I tried not to look too closely at the prissy Query that Lotus Blossom was pointing out in a tall mirror.

“Would you put this on my tab?” Rarity asked coyly, as we three approached the exit in a group. I had a good laugh imagining that she was perhaps the owner of an insurmountable spa tab, the likes of which were usually reserved only for severe alcoholics in bars. As I followed Rarity and Twilight out of the spa, they giggled and batted at each other like the best of chums. I felt outcast, like a bad actor in a pony suit who’d decided that he didn’t like his role. I stared down at my new metal-flake purple hooves with nothing but contempt. “This is not going to come off like regular nail-polish…” I mumbled. It looked like more like the paint and clear-coat combination used on an automobile rather than a beauty product.

“But Query, dearest…” Rarity cooed. Although perturbed, I just couldn’t ignore just how cute she was. “Your colors, *ahem* while matching, I’ll admit, are ever so subdued! There’s nothing like a little dash of purple if you want to catch the eye of a special stallion…” She flipped her mane as massive eyelashes batted. That finally did it.

“P—p-ppp-p-ff-f whaaat?!?” I shrieked in overreaction. “So you think I need to be p-p-prettied up and put on the market, do you?!? I’m just supposed to be catering for a big, strong staaaaaaaalion to take me away?!?” I spoke the word ‘stallion’ like it was ‘balderdash’ and waved my hooves dramatically. Twilight wasn’t having any of it, however.

“Ugh! I’ve had enough!” Twilight shouted, sounding hurt. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you’re in a different mood every five minutes! I allowed you stay in my home, fed you, and gave you free-run of the library after you refused to even explain yourself, and you repay me by making a scene like this in front of my friend?!? That is, after she gracefully paid in your stead, I might add. Just… goodbye Query.” I saw a few patches of her mane spring back up into ‘frazzled-mode’ before she turned on me and cantered off. Perhaps a single tear dropped in her wake as I, too, welled up… I’m sure the whole scene was like watching a little kid being told-off by Michael Jordan.

Surprisingly, Rarity didn’t follow.

“Well… I didn’t mean it like that…” she mumbled. Rarity was taken aback.

I sniffled loudly. “I… I know. You were just being your typical, fancy self. I’m really stressed! I-I…”

“I only wanted to make you feel good about yourself, my dear…” she said softly. “… but it seems like you have more, hmm , pressing concerns now. Why don’t you just go talk to Twilight.”

“I… I CAN’T!” I sputtered.

“…but why?”

“…because Twilight. Uh. She. She’s…” I sniffed even more loudly. I was beginning to make the confounded pony-mascara run.

“…she’s what?”

“Well, uh, in a we’d-never-actually-even-met-before-yesterday kind of way, she’s sort of always been my hero! I just wanted to be friends, but I knew if I told her how I ended up in Ponyville she’d never want to speak to me again!” Before Rarity could finish opening her mouth, I added. “…and now I’ve managed to ruin everything!”

“Well, it’s… It’s not very ladylike to pry, so I shall not, but would you at least ask yourself if the truth is really so bad? I’m sure if you’d just hurry off and rewind this conversation, you’d be able to save your friendship. Twilight is a very caring friend, you know.”

“The truth?!? Rarity, my whole life has become like a bad story somepony would write in their free time!” I squeaked. “If I tell Twilight the truth, she’ll just think I’m trying to make a fool of her… but I know I can’t just keep lying all the time. I’m sick of it!”

“Sometimes it’s just hard to tell the truth, even if it is to your own friend. You just have to trust that they’ll understand in the end!” Rarity spoke solemnly. She blinked her way through a long pause. ”Well, if you think you could use another spa treatment to mull it over, I suppose we could-”

“OK, OK, I get it, Rarity.” I managed a lame chuckle. “I’m going to talk to her, then. I mean, I’ll think of something. Thanks for, you know, helping…”

Rarity allowed herself to show a worried visage as I galloped on down the road, matching the last-known trajectory of my purple hero. I was so focused that I passed a bakery and a cider stand without even looking up. A fruit-laden cart pulled directly across my path without notice and I managed an uncharacteristically awesome, flapping leap over it. I prepared to bolt straight through the center of town, but…

A familiar face caught my eye. It was my own.

My mug was emblazoned on a poster near a fountain. Correction: It was on a wanted poster near a fountain at the center of town. The parchment rectangle was small enough that I desperately hoped Twilight hadn’t seen it already. I peered from side to side, then casually made my way to the bulletin board and tore it down. After wiping the mascara off my cheeks, I messily crumpled it up via hoof-power.

“Uh… miss…?” a voice came from behind which I hadn’t heard coming. It was a low voice that made me jump.

“Wha?” I squeaked, wheeling around to see the squinting face of a tall, blue stallion with a brown hat and coat. I craned my neck enough to be aware that his flank was decorated with a sharp graphic of a magnifying glass.

“I couldn’t help but notice that there was a wanted poster there earlier, and you appeared to have been taking something down just now…” he said, snidely. I silently dropped the crumpled parchment into the fountain, just beyond his view.

“I was making room for… a bake-sale flyer!” I said with a fake smile.

“Is that so?” he asked. “You know, you don’t look too different from the sketch that was posted here earlier… hmm? What are the chances that you could be the bad pony I’ve been searching for all day?”

I had to think of something quickly! I, well, I smacked him in the face with a hoof.

“Oh, I get it now!” I said, trying to sound insulted. “Well you can just can-it, you ogling lover-boy!”

“Ouch! Huh?”

“I know how you stallions are. Don’t play dumb with me!”

“What?”

I moved closer to him as he spoke, driving him across the street and against the antiqued, wooden front door of a barber shop. “Well if you thought that act was going to get you a date, then you’re sorely mistaken! Hoping I was just the bad pony you were looking for, huh? What’s that supposed to mean? Disgusting!”

“I, uhh…” he gulped. “I, uhh, didn’t mean. I guess I was in-error. Sorry, ma’am!” I was quietly pleased to realize I’d managed to make him sweat.

“Well, uh… be more careful next time!” I snorted as I wasted no time in speeding away from the scene. It took me some time to find the library, but I arrived to see a slumping, slowly-trotting Twilight before she managed to close the door behind her.

“Twiliiiiight! I’m soooory!” I shouted out of desperation. At least it was enough to get her to stop. She looked up at me with an equally-running application of pony-mascara.

“What now?” she sniffed. “Can’t I just go home and return to my studies in peace?”

“Whoa, Twilight…” I said as I tried to raise a hoof to her misty eye, but was swatted away. “Does this mean you’re as sad as I am that we don’t seem to get along too well?”

“Query, how can you expect us to be friends if you won’t tell me the truth?” she sniffed. “…and did you really expect me to believe that ‘Neigh England’ was an actual place?”

“Oh…” I said blankly. I’d thought that one was a freebie. Apparently it wasn’t.

“I suppose I’ve been afraid this whole time that the truth would make you hate me… Life has been a little tough for me in recent… days…” I mumbled. Had I really only been a pony for such a brief time? So much had happened that I was already feeling prepared for my attempt at an autobiography.

“I wouldn’t hate you, Query!” Twilight said, seeming reluctant. “Everypony has their own problems! I mean, look at me: I’m a nervous wreck lately, but an important part of every friendship still has to be honesty! *ugh* I’m willing to give this another shot, but you’d better spill the beans. You’d better just tell me straight! Who are you and why are you here? No funny-business.” She poked me right in the chest.

“You can do it, darling! We only want to help.” came the voice of Rarity. A white hoof curled over my shoulder.

“Wha? Where did you come from?” I asked with surprise.

“I followed you because I thought you might appreciate the support.”

“Ohh…” I moaned. “You’re both better friends than I could ever be…” I resisted the urge to sob again and hug Rarity.

“I know you can do it.” Rarity added sweetly. Then, she nudged me as Twilight offered an expectant look. My neck drooped in such a way that I probably resembled one of the depressed crystal ponies from the opening of season three.

“OK… I’ll do it. I’ll tell you the whole truth, but I swear there’s no way you’re going to believe me!” I began. “It’s just crazy, but-”

Something odd was happening. Twilight’s expectant look turned to bafflement. Rarity wheeled about and gasped.

“Uhh… is something wrong?” I asked.

“That’s her, right there!” a familiar voice shouted.

*chink*

My rear legs were cold and they no longer moved freely. I rolled around on my haunches to see a pair of leg-irons, a sleazily-smiling blue detective with a sopping wet poster in his teeth, and the large barrel of a white-furred chest poking me in the nose.

Flynn knocked me over with the swipe of a hoof and spoke sternly, but with a grin. “You are under arrest for the attempted murder of Princess Celestia, among other things.”

“What?” Twilight gasped in trembling disbelief.

Rarity fluttered and passed out with a dramatic cry. I was totally exhausted as I looked up at Flynn.

“Somehow I knew you’d be a recurring character.” I grunted sorrowfully. Next Chapter: One Flew Over the Scootaloo's Nest Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 8 Minutes