Author's Notes:

Be warned, this is a crossover with UsurperBronyZant's 'The Usurper King of Equestrian.'

After I took the elevator I ended up in a lobby. I just advanced forward, ignoring the shocked expressions of ponies and other species as I walked towards the map to see which is which.

I stopped in front and found what I was looking for. But not before trouble reared its ugly face.

“Commander. What are you doing here? Are you here to help us unlock your pelican as you call it?” I turned around to be met with a face I did not want to see. Ever.

A beige unicorn stallion with an infamous name known all over Canterlot. Ridiculous Reference. Don't ask. Anyway, I shook my head, “Actually I am here to take it back.”

“I'm afraid I can't let you do that.” A modified bot said in what I swear was a Hal 9001-esque voice as they leveled a Splinter turret and aimed it at me. The sound of a beam and the blare from the forerunner energy was directed at my chest.

Before I could react, I was sent flying through building through building until I landed painfully on the edge of Canterlot. There was a visible path of destruction leading towards me and if you looked down, you would see a fall at least a mile long that went straight to the plains and Ponyville.

My HUD suddenly projected an image of Ridiculous Reference's annoyed countenance. “You know, you could have played along. I will unlock the secrets of that vehicle if it is the last thing I do!” After a few seconds the HUD returned to normal.

I sighed, “This is why we can't have nice things…” When I tried to get up, pain flared all over my body, make me scream.

When the pain stopped I inspected my armor for damage. Surprisingly it was unscratched. But when I did a body check I had second and third degree burns. “Holy shit…” I gasped.

The sound of arguing was heard and I tilted my head to see a Canterlot Militia convoy driving towards me. It looked like a Humvee from the 21st century but modified to fit ponies. It stopped a couple yards away and out stepped an easily recognizable figure, Princess Celestia. She trotted up to me and deactivated the seal on my helmet before detaching it. “Explain. Now.” She said sternly.

“I want my pelican back!” She flinched. “You do not need it for your ponies. They do not need its knowledge.”

She sighed, “Know this, I did not condone their taking of your mode of transportation. But I cannot help you. It would cause riots if I interfered. You are going to have to do this on your own.”

With that she dropped my helmet, got back into her transport and drove off, leaving me all alone.

“Wait… Fuck! I forgot to ask her to heal my burns! Son of a bitch.”

I checked my pouches for anything useful only to come up empty on every pouch but the last two.

On those I extracted tokens, some familiar and some not. One of them was Craig's familiar amulet and another was unfamiliar. Most of them I hadn't actually used yet…

Before I could even hope to use a token I was pulled into a portal.

Perspective: Usurper King Zant

*Location: Ponyville Town Hall, Ponyville, Equestria, Equus, approximately 30 minutes after the assassination attempt...*

I was with Lilium in the Town Hall waiting area. We were waiting for Twilight to finish talking with the Mayor about what had happened at Twilight's castle. They'd been talking for a while, but neither of us had heard anything. I'd unequipped my helmet by that point and was anxiously pacing, Lilium was just sitting in one of the stiff chairs. Neither of us had said a word. I couldn't tell what was going through her mind, but she kept her gaze fixed on the bit of floor right in front of her chair. Before Twilight had gone in with the Mayor, she'd led us to the single small, cold jail cell under the Town Hall and we'd locked the changeling in and slipped a magic-inhibiting ring on its horn.

Waiting was always the hard part. We were obviously concerned, given the fact that someone had tried to KILL TWILIGHT, and given what we knew, they were most likely sent by Ghirahim and his pals in the Cult of Nightmare. And since we were just sitting here, waiting for something to happen, that meant we were wasting time while Ghirahim could be cooking up more plots and plans to kill Twilight, or maybe the other princesses!

Once I had calmed down and stopped pacing, I had decided to kill the time by brushing up on my offensive spells. I was just getting to the part about cryomancy when suddenly what appeared to be a deactivated Halo energy sword popped into existence just above my book, and fell onto it with a solid thunk. Curious, I picked it up, and felt the familiar sensation of a message playing in my head. "It's a sword not a fighter jet! No but in all seriousness, if you ever need someone to hack into technology or just talk or fight, summon me, Epsilon-Church."

Given that there was an assassin in the basement and we were most likely going to have to start a manhunt (or rather, marehunt) I figured now would be as good a time as any to summon some help. I focused my will on the energy sword and thought, “Hey Church, can ya give me a hand with a marehunt, and maybe an interrogation?”

A portal opened a few feet in front of me, giving off a similar feeling as the one that had brought me Jason and Elusive. Sure enough, it spat out a figure that looked like he was from Halo, but I couldn't be sure since I hadn't gotten too far in Halo 4 and this armor didn't look familiar.

After Lilium and I looked the armored man(?) over for a moment, I finally decided to speak.

“So you’re Church, then? Nice armor. Can’t say I recognize it though. What is it?”

A strained groan came from Church, “Ask questions later…” He took off his helmet, revealing fresh-looking third-degree burns. “Can't maintain AI form…”

Lilium and I cringed at the sight of his injuries. “That does NOT look good…” I said to myself. “Anything we can do to help?” I asked.

Church tried to get up but as soon as he applied pressure to his hands he screamed in pain. “Oh god…That splinter cannon isn't a joke…Yeah. I-I know what you can do…can you heal burns?”

I cursed inwardly. Healing was that one pesky aspect of magic I hadn’t gotten into yet. I sighed and said, “Unfortunately no, BUT I can teleport over to my place and grab some magic healing stuff. Not sure how well it works, but the locals say it’s great for life-threatening injuries.”

“Go ahead, I can't use the warp with these injuries…The whole lower half of my body is melted an entire layer down…”

Again I cringed. “Be right back then,” I said quickly.

Church waved me away desperately, looking like his burns were starting to get infected. “Hurry!”

I imagined myself in my house, in the bathroom where the heavy-duty drugs were kept, and as usual, I teleported away with a *psoooom* followed by a flurry of particle effects.

*Location: My house, Ponyville, Equestria, Equus, Now…*

*pssm!*

I tore open the medicine cabinet and scrambled to find the stuff to cure Church. They had to be here somewhere…

After about half a minute I’d made a mess of the countertop and the medicine cabinet was almost empty. Finally my eyes settled on one of the few containers remaining in the cabinet. The liquid inside looked almost like maple syrup, and it faintly glowed. The label had only the word NECTAR printed on it in some of the neatest script I’d ever seen.

Knowing that this must’ve been it, I grabbed it and teleported back to Church and Lilium.

*psoooom…*

*Location: Town Hall, Ponyville, Equestria, Equus, Now…*

*pssm!*

I turned to Church to see him flickering for some reason. “Okay, that CAN’T be good,” I thought to myself.

“Here it is!” I said quickly as I handed him the bottle.

He stared at me incredulously, then asked, “Is this honey? I mean, is it?”

My face, as well as Lilium’s, went deadpan. Then, with a tone matching my expression, I said, “Dude. This stuff is brown and has the consistency of water. Also, IT FUCKING GLOWS. Do any of those seem like traits of honey to you?”

“Yes,” He said as he opened the container and did something that would creep most out. He closed the container and ate it.

“...” I was at a loss for words. I’d overheard some of the ponies at my housewarming party mention how hard that stuff was to come by. Needless to say, Church’s actions brought several emotions to the forefront of my mind.

“...Do you have any idea how rare that shit is?” I asked him, the tension in my voice palpable.

“Hmm…Nope,” He said in a bubbly voice.

“THAT SHIT IS RESERVED FOR ALICORNS,” I said very loudly. It wasn’t quite shouting, more like talking very loudly with barely suppressed rage.

Suddenly Church started flickering faster than I could blink until a ghost-white spectral-looking projection came to life above his body right as the body became a corpse. “Whew. I forgot how good this feels,” He said in a more electronic-sounding voice.

I sighed, doing my best to calm myself. “At least you’re not dying anymore. And it only took a few DOZEN DOSES of the shit that alicorns use to bring themselves back from the brink of death!”

“Uh...about that. I am dead.” He pointed to the corpse in armor that obviously wasn't breathing.

“And THAT is why you don’t drink the booze of the gods!” I said rather loudly.

“Are you monotheistic? Because I don't want to have a religious conversation,” Church retorted.

“I was before I came here,” I said. “Not so sure now.”

Church coughed awkwardly before looking at his armored corpse. He then walked into it and stood up in the armor again as he put on his helmet. I finally noticed the ONI symbol on the armor.

“ONI, huh?” I said. “Fancy. I guess if you can just use the armor like that it all works out. I WAS gonna offer to make you a new body, but I guess I don't have to now.”

“There is something you need to know then. I am NOT and never will be a person. I am just an AI. Sorry. I don't know why I said that…” Church sat down.

“Don't worry about it,” I said. “And you don't have to be human to be a person. You just have to have a heart and soul.”

“Who do you want?” Church asked abruptly.

“I beg your pardon?” I asked, surprised at the sudden change of topic.

A small portal opened next to Church and he pulled out a modified sniper rifle. “You know what I mean. Who is the HVT?”

Suddenly I remembered. “Oh yeah, the marehunt!” I exclaimed. “Well, long story short, a changeling assassin tried to kill Twilight, Lilium and I caught her in the act, and now we're trying to find the mare she was disguised as. We tried to contact her but were unable to do so.” I used my magic to conjure a hologram of the mare in question. The image looking exactly like her, save the blood-red outline. “Here name is Desert Gem. She's half unicorn, half genie. That's all we know, other than her appearance. I think I overheard someone say she lived near Saddle Arabia or something. I'm not sure. But yeah, that's the gist of it. Any questions?”

“Delta. Do you have a file?” A green hologram projected itself next to Church.

“Yes. But it is not enough to completely tell me what I need to know. Too bad.”

“Hey! Don't be an ass! This is all they know.” Delta’s projection faded as Church turned back to the duo. “Time to go ruffle some feathers.” He said in a thick British accent as he slid the rack back on his sniper rifle, eliciting a loud clank.

“In what way?” I asked, wondering what he meant.

“Oh. That was a Unit 13 reference. Just a PlayStation Vita game.” Church said with a shrug.

“Ah, gotcha,” I said. “Yeah, I never had one of those. Always stuck to a DS or 3DS myself.”

“Sucks for you. I had an Xbox One and everything. So, where are we going? And I'm not going to question your silence,” He said as he pointed to Lilium, “Story is never worth it.”

“thank you,” she said quietly.

“And before you answer my question, you don't even know who I am do you? That should make things interesting.”

“No, I know who you are,” I said. “I saw all of Red vs. Blue. You're Church, specifically Epsilon.”

“Do we really have time for this?” A voice that Church now found annoying, Tex.

“She had a point,” I said. “We should get going. I can use my magic to scan for her, but we need some way to triangulate or something, and I'm not that good yet. Do you have anything?”

“Is that a serious question?” He asked me.

“Well, considering I don't know what you can do with that armor, yes,” I replied, a hint of snark working its way into my voice.

“Wait hold up, you think I'm only going to use my armor?” Church asked in confusion. “Nope. But that is for later.” He unholstered his magnum and held it out to me.

“Thanks but no thanks,” I said. “My magic is more than enough.”

“For infinite ammo and auto fire?” He asked incredulously.

“Actually yes,” I replied. “I have so much of it and I can pump out quite a few small, lethal projectiles in a small amount of time.”

“Where are we right now?”

“Ponyville Town Hall,” I replied.

Church suddenly pulled the magnum away from me and fired once at the floor, creating a crater about a foot wide and a foot deep. “You sure?” He asked.

“Well, I was, considering we were waiting here for about half an hour for the Mayor and Twilight to finish talking, but given what you just said I'm not so sure anymore.”

Church groaned, “I never should have left my Quantum Pelican behind…”

“Well now that you've said that I'm sure we're still in the Town Hall,” I said. “ And I do have a mode of transportation. I'm just not sure if he can carry that armor of yours. The new body I had in mind for you was capable of extended sustained flight at high speeds if that helps.”

“Don't expect me to be friendly to the planet,” As he said that he sliced a hole in the air with his fists and started pulling out jetpacks from it, “No. Old Reach version. Nope. Nooo. Yes! Found it!” He ignored the pile on the ground as he fitted the pack on his back.

“Ooooooh, jetpack!” I said, intrigued. “But how long can it keep you up for?”

Church showed me his jetpack which had the meta symbol on it, “Forever. But not those ones.” He pointed to the jetpacks on the ground. “This is the jetpack from the Red Vs Blue Sarcophagus heist.”

“Ah, now I see,” I said. “Well, my offer to conjure you a new body still stands. I think it would be an upgrade, really.”

“I would explain why I don't need another one but that is a lengthy conversation. I still can't believe the pelican has that room… creepy.”

“Oooooooooookay, probably better if I don't ask about that,” I said. “But yeah, we should get going. My ride will meet us outside.”

“I mean, I could just force the memories into your mind but you would probably be hospitalized.” He said bluntly.

“Yeah no thanks. Anyway, shall we be off?” Right as I said that, Church's jetpack decided that now would be the perfect time to activate. All I saw was a blur as I heard a loud crash and a new hole formed in the ceiling.

“Shit,” I said under my breath as Lilium and I hurried out the door to see if Church was okay.

*Location: Ponyville Town Square, Ponyville, Equestria, Equus, Now…*

What I saw will forever be engraved into my mind. Church was being flung through the air by his jetpack while he screamed curses and randomly shot his sniper rifle in the air.

“Having a bit of trouble, are we?” I shouted to him.

“I forgot to turn off the glitchmode!”

“Why is that even a thing?!” I asked, dumbfounded.

After a moment, he finally turned off glitchmode and flew down to us. “Holy shit. If I was in a body I would probably have died from dizziness. Ergo, I am only annoyed.“ Church bemoaned.

“Well, now that the crisis is over, shall I summon my dragon friend?” I asked.

“Oh fuck. You didn't say dragon did you? Dragons from most of the multiverse hate me.”

“...do I wanna know?”

“I may have blown up the wrong planet. Yeah. That is my excuse and I'm sticking to it!”

“Be that as it may, he's my best option in terms of travel at the moment. So, I'm afraid you’ll have to get along.”

“If he scratches my armor…” He left that sentence hanging.

“Don't worry about it, I'll keep him under control. And even if he tried, don't you have energy shields?”

“Shut up.” Church retorted smartly.

“Im’a call him,” I said. I extended my telepathy outward and said, “Argorok, come. I require your assistance.”

Immediately the sky was filled with the sound of leathery wing beats and clanking armor. Argorok came in fast, but slowed on approach until he was just over the square. His wings slowed and he gently landed.

“How may I serve you, master?” He asked.

“Lilium and I need a ride,” I answered. “We have a missing mare to find.”

Not needing any words, Argorok knelt down so that Lilium and I could climb onto his back. Lilium used her vectors to get on, while I simply teleported onto the space just above him, landing in a sitting position.

Once we were all settled, Argorok asked, “Do you know where we must go, master?”

“Yeah, that would be good to know,” Church snarked.

“Gimme a sec,” I said to them both. I called on a good portion of my power and readied my radar spell. I sent out a large pulse, not bothering to make it invisible so as to conserve magic. In a couple of seconds, it came back to me.

I felt several sentient beings fairly close to me--most likely the inhabitants of Ponyville. A bit farther on, I felt a single mind, probably Zecora. After that, I got an even bigger cluster than Ponyville--Canterlot, most likely. Finally, at what would be the very edge of the pulse’s readings, about twenty miles out or so, I got a reading. It was a strange mind, containing some unicorn magic, but also a strange magic I’d never felt before. The mind was also faint somehow, almost as though it were comatose.

“Did you find Sarah Connor?” Church joked nonchalantly in a perfect Arny voice.

I chuckled a bit, and then said, “No, but I do believe I found our mare. She’s pretty far off. Twenty miles thataway,” I said, pointing in an arbitrary direction, “which would put her somewhere on the border of the Everfree Forest and the Badlands. Not a very nice place to be, regardless of whether you’re there of your own free will.”

“I knew it was a good idea to make my own version of the NSA!” Church exclaimed cheerfully until he saw my confused and slightly horrified expression. “What?” he asked.

I started to say something and then stopped myself, knowing it would be pointless to ask. “Let’s just go,” I said.

With that, Argorok roared fiercely, I equipped my helmet, and we took off in the direction I had indicated. But Church hadn't taken off yet. I thought he was waiting for something until suddenly his jetpack screamed loud enough to be heard for miles as he rocketed off in the direction we were heading.

By the time he’d taken off, Argorok had already reached a pretty good speed, but Church caught up to us and matched our speed easily. We slowly accelerated, and the entire time, Church kept pace with us. It only went to show the quality of the technology he had at his disposal. After some time, we made it to our destination.

“Detecting hostile lifeforms,” Delta said.

“Shut up, you’re just paranoid from that time we went to a planet full of Terminators,” Church retorted.

“We’ll see once we land.” We immediately saw a good clearing and decided to set down there. Lilium and I hopped off Argorok, and Church set down beside us. The time had come for the marehunt to begin.

*Location: Boundary Temple, Everfree/Badlands Border, Equus, Now…*

From the outside, the place seemed like the wreck of a once-great temple complex of some sort. The remains of ancient buildings made of what looked like sandstone were scattered about. What remained of the architecture revealed just how skilled whoever had originally designed the place had been.

Plants from the Everfree Forest sprouted through gaps in the sandstone, some little more than weeds, some massive trees that had to have been here for at least a century. Church, Lilium, and I took our surroundings in, suddenly realizing the scope of the task ahead of us. It suddenly seemed a lot harder. But we couldn’t give up. Someone needed our help.

Or maybe that was just the music playing from Church's helmet. No matter.

Realizing he was no longer needed, Argorok decided to take his leave and flew off.

It was then that I realized we needed a plan. “So how do we want to do this?” I asked Church. “I see two paths we can take from here,” I said. “One seems to go to another open area,” I said, pointing to what seemed to be some sort of ruined marketplace, “And a door that goes into some building. Which should we take?”

“One second,” Church said. “I'm just going to do what I always do in these situations. Delta, activate the cheat code.”

“It isn't a cheat code. It is classified as Promethean vision.”

“Just do it!” He said in exasperation.

“Done.” Church’s visor suddenly turned red as a beam went around the room. “Ugh. No bueno.”

“And?” I asked expectantly.

“Dude. We are in a temple. We obviously have to go the wrong way. So let's go right.” He said as he carelessly stomped off on the ‘right’ path.

“Okay, aboveground it is then,” I said as Lilium and I followed him.

As we walked on, I sent out a cloaked radar pulse to see if I could find out where we were relative to Desert Gem. If the pulse was anything to go by, she was still a good ways off, and a bit below the surface, which indicate we would have to go underground at some point. However, seeing as this didn’t tell me much else, I decided to keep this to myself and simply follow Church for now.

Suddenly, what appeared to be giant bugs popped out of the ground. Church reflexively activated his camouflage, severely confusing them. “Hell no. I have seen too many movies to know where this is going!”

“Wait a sec,” I said, remembering what the bugs were. “These aren’t from Zelda! They’re from Metroid! Why are there things from Metroid Prime here?!”

“My name is Michael J. Caboose and I hate bugs!!” The sound of repeated sniper rifle shots and H.E. rounds echoed throughout the temple. Within seconds, the Beetles were little more than grease stains.

Lilium and I just stared at Church in shock. After a moment I said to him, “Uh...you do know those were just mindless mooks you could’ve killed with a couple of well-aimed magnum shots, right?”

“I hate bugs,” Church said simply.

“Yeah, kinda figured that one out on my own,” I said sarcastically. “Anyway, continuity errors aside, shall we go on?”

“Sure. And you wouldn't blame me if you had played the Dead Space series,” He said as he trudged onward.

We continued on to the next room, which was the ruined marketplace. As we came to a large, open, sandy part of the room, more Beetles popped out of the ground, which we swiftly dealt with, Lilium with her vectors, me with a few low-grade dark magic salvos, and Church with an unholy amount of high-explosive sniper rounds.

“Must you be so excessive? And loud?” I asked him, a bit exasperated. “You’ve most likely alerted every living thing in this temple of our presence by now.”

“And they will soon know to fear mine name! Leonard ‘Dimitri’ Church!” he exclaimed.

I just facepalmed. However, I looked up when I heard the buzzing, followed by the loud insect-like chittering.

“Oh goddammit,” I muttered before constructing a hard-magic shield around Lilium and myself.

“It just HAD to be fucking War Wasps!” I shouted, very much annoyed.

Church removed something from his back that I hadn't seen before, it looked like a magneto stick at first until he clicked it, causing it to extend into a gravity hammer. “You're going to love me,” Church muttered.

“Kinky,” I said under my breath. I remained still under the barrier with Lilium, curious to see what would happen next, yet not that confident in Church’s chances of hitting these things with what was essentially a fancy mace.

“Delta, enable pack-a-punch,“ he said.

“That will use a lot of power to get from the warp. Are you sure?”

“Do it.” The gravity hammer was suddenly engulfed in a red forerunner-looking light until it was turned completely crimson. He picked it up from the air and aimed the top at a wasp just as it began to charge at him and a beam of forerunner energy completely incinerated the wasp. “Oops?” he lied.

“Impressive,” I muttered. “That’s pretty neat,” I said to him, “but these things will keep coming until you destroy their hives. And you can’t break the hives without some of that high-yield explosive you seem so fond of.”

“Eh. I just wanted to upgrade this. That shit was expensive on my power levels.” He put the hammer back into its magneto stick form and stuck it to his back before putting his sniper rifle in his right hand and his magnum in his left.

As he drew his weapons, I lowered the barrier and started shooting the wasps down with my magic. I did my best to take one wasp down for every projectile I fired, and for the most part, it worked. Lilium tried to keep her fighting style completely balanced, using her vectors to cut down any wasp that got too close for comfort while also taking down any strays when she had the chance.

Suddenly, the floor Church was standing on collapsed inward due to his weight. “I'm not fat!” He screamed as he barely held on.

I grabbed him with my telekinesis and tried to pull him up, but even with how much I’d practiced his armor was just too heavy. Suddenly I felt the strain on my telekinetic grip lighten considerably. I switched to my magic-augmented vision and saw Lilium lifting Church out of the hole with her vectors. In no time at all, he was back on solid ground. “I AM NOT FAT!” He yelled.

“No one said you were,” I said. “I think it’s just that your armor is heavy and the stonework in the ground here has seen better days. We should tread lightly. Either that or you should find a suit made of lighter material.”

“Hey I just remembered something. Are you two dating or something?” He asked shamelessly.

Lilium and I looked at him, shocked that he’d just gone and asked something like that. We looked at each other, our expressions remaining the same, then back at Church. “NO!” we both shouted.

“It is scientifically proven that denial isn't healthy.” Tex snarked.

“Dude!” I shouted. “We may live in the same house, but we are NOT a thing!” Lilium nodded vigorously, then said, “I-I’m not quite ready for a relationship yet, and I d-don’t think I will be for a little while…”

“Well at least you didn't add the ‘AND NEVER WILL BE!’ Part,” Church said with a chuckle.

“Dude, just...just no,” I said, exasperated.

I walked over to the hole Church had fallen through, being sure to watch my step. At the bottom of it was a rather unpleasant-looking, vile green liquid. “Ew,” I said, disgusted.

“What?” Church asked until he saw it. “Huh, guava.”

“I don’t think that’s any kind of fruit juice dude,” I said, still a bit grossed out by the liquid. “If anything, I think it’s heavily-polluted groundwater or something. I’m not sure; I’m getting a major Metroid Prime vibe from this place.”

“Come with me if you want to live,” Church said randomly. Same Arny voice.

“Sure,” I said. “Just try not to fall in a pit of deadly neurotoxic acid or whatever the hell that shit was.”

“Well it wouldn't really affect me. I don't know about you though.”

“Still, getting you out of it would be a pain,” I replied. “Which way now?” There were several doors in this area.

The sound of a loud facepalm echoed across the room, “Did I seriously forget I had a jetpack? Are you fucking serious?!” Church screamed.

“Oh yeah, and I can levitate,” I said as I suddenly remembered one of the most iconic parts of the Zant bossfight. “Fucking great job dumbass,” I said to myself mentally.

“Wait a minute. Hold position.” Church said as he held up a hand. “That is an order.” He walked over to one of the paths hesitantly, “Oh shit…I remember something like this. This is going to suck.”

That first bit annoyed me a little. Since when was he in charge? But what he said after made me curious. “You played Prime as well?” I asked him.

“Nope. Watched YouTube gameplays. Oh and I have bad news.”

“On a scale of one to boned, how bad?” I asked, somewhat dreading his answer.

“Admiral Ackbar. And we have already walked straight into it.”

“Boned, then,” I said, more to myself than to him. “What exactly is it?” I asked him.

“I am detecting thousands of lifeforms. Mostly hostile. A few passive,” Delta informed oh-so-helpfully.

“Well,” I said, “this is a temple. Regardless of the series, that’s to be expected.” Looking around a bit, I spotted a door across the plaza that was down a small flight of stairs and went into one of the slightly-less-ruined buildings. “Shall we try that one?” I asked, pointing at the door.

“Did I mention some of the hostile ones were intelligent? I don't know about sentient though. And I would advise either that or the one behind you. Your death wish is your choice after all.”

“Why is my logic such a fucking pessimist?”

“I think it’s his job,” I replied. “Anyway, if I remember Prime well enough, we have to go through the far door before we can progress anywhere else. Shall we, then?” I asked.

“Why are you asking me? I thought you didn't respect my authoritay,” He said in a racist impression.

“You’ve been at this longer than I have,” I said. “I just don’t like being bossed around.”

“Yeah, eleven years. But you know. And no, I was never stoned unlike those unlucky sons of bitches.”

“Dafuq?”

“Some displaced are imprisoned in stone for thousands of years by the princesses,” He said nonchalantly.

Not for the first time today, I cringed. Then I thanked whatever deity existed in this fucked-up universe that I didn’t end up like those unlucky displaced. “Guess we’re lucky then,” I said. “However, we do have a mission to complete. Onward, then?”

“You used the wrong line. Let's try that again,” He made it sound like he was clearing his throat. “Onward! To adventure!” He said in a British accent.

“Umm...I wasn’t really trying to quote anything…” I said a bit awkwardly. “Let’s just go…” I said, anxious to get out of the awkward situation.

“Okay fine, since you are so suicidal…” He cleared his throat again before doing something that would offend most, “ALALALALALA!” He screamed like a terrorist as he rushed down the path.

I just laughed. And I didn’t stop for about a minute or so. Once I finally got ahold of myself, I followed him, still giggling, Lilium not far behind.

Once we got to the door, we found Church waiting for us. “You really love terrorist humor eh?” He said in an Arabian accent.

“No, not quite,” I said, struggling to regain my composure. “You just reminded me of someone from back home. I knew a guy who’d do shit like that almost on a regular basis.”

“He sounds like my kind of guy,” He paused awkwardly before saying, “And now you think I am gay.”

“No, not really,” I said. “Okay, I’m good, let’s go,” I said as I went through the door.

“Hey Lilium? At least, that is what my HUD is displaying you as. Are you a Lilium or are you the Lilium? Heh, Pokémon. Are you a grass type Pokémon?”

She just looked at him in confusion. “P...Pokémon? W-What’s that?” she asked.

“I knew it! You are! That’s why you look adorable. That makes sense. Hmm…” Church hummed.

“She’s a diclonius,” I said to him. “Haven’t seen any sign of anything Pokémon-like. At least, not yet.”

“Hey, I just realized something. If she’s the only Pokémon of her kind does that mean she’s extinct?” I finally noticed Church sounded like Caboose.

I facepalmed, then used my telekinesis to slap Church across the helmet. Hard. He went flying through the walls. Literally. “That doesn't seem physically possible!” I shouted comically.

I got no response.

“Oh shit,” I said under my breath. I quickly teleported to where he’d landed and looked him over.

He was just repeating a sentence over and over, “I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that.”

“Fuck!” I said to myself. Suddenly I remembered an odd spell I’d found stuck into the book I’d been reading earlier. It was on a loose scrap of paper, stuck in like a bookmark. It was a diagnostic spell. It would let me scan someone (or something) that wasn’t working right and let me find out what was wrong with them. Figuring this would be as good a time as any to test it, I used it on Church’s body. I immediately heard the iconic Windows XP error sound start up. And after it stopped I heard the Windows startup song before Church started getting up like nothing had happened.

“Dafuq just happened?” I mumbled. “You okay dude?” I asked Church.

“I think I just shit myself…” he said.

“Um, how?” I asked, thoroughly confused. “Isn’t that just power armor?” Suddenly new info filled my head. The diagnostic was complete. Apparently he had Ebola. I decided not to ask.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked.

“Oh nothing,” I said. “It’s just that apparently you have Ebola, which should be impossible, given the fact that the body in that suit kinda died due to severe burns and ingesting lethal amounts of nectar.”

“I knew I shouldn't have gone to that war convention in Poraq!”

Again I facepalmed. I turned to face Church and said, “Ya want that new body now? It’d be totally compatible with your AI matrices or whatever you wanna call ‘em, and more importantly, it’d be disease-free. Actually, it’d never get sick at all, at least not in this sense.”

“Something tells me there is a catch.” Church deadpanned.

“Well, kinda,” I said. “It’d take a lot of time and concentration to make. You and Lilium would have to cover me while I made it in case any hostiles came at us while I was conjuring it. If my concentration was broken, it’d fizzle out.”

“That is not what I meant,” Church said in the same deadpan tone.

“Oh, you mean like a cost?” I asked. “Oh no, nothing major. Just fill me in on any key displaced info I’m missing out on.”

“No. What am I wearing right now?”

“Uh...armor with a rotting corpse inside it?” I asked, confused once again.

“Oh my god. Even though this doesn't apply to this in the same way, when girls said us guys were thick-skulled I didn't believe it. Apparently we are. Good job.”

“Well it doesn’t help when you’re being all cryptic and vague,” I retorted.

“Here, let me help. ME. NO. GO. WITHOUT. THIS. ARMOR,” He said in a mocking Jamaican accent.

“What, does it have sentimental value or something?” I asked snarkily.

“Dude. This is Agent Locke's armor from Halo 5: Guardians.”

I was starting to understand his reasoning. “So you want to look just like your favorite sci-fi hero then? How cute,” I said mockingly. “If it really means that much to you, why not just throw it in your magic storage portal thing?”

“...”

Church said nothing. It was then that I realized that I was perhaps a bit harsh. “Eh, perhaps that was a bit much,” I said, quite embarrassed. “But seriously though.”

“It isn't a storage portal,” Church said tersely. “It used to be the realm of the spirits of the dead. Now it’s a realm ruled by Daemons and all kinds of bad things as well as projecting more than just the angry emotions of the dead. You could torture someone eternally there. I'm not putting it there. That is where I steal from.”

It was then that I realized just how powerful Church was. If he could steal from a place like that, then he was on a level way above me. “Well, how was I to know that?!” I asked. “And if you don’t want to put it there, the new body would have storage for it. You’d just have to break it down into smaller components to store it neatly.”

Church fainted. From what, I didn’t know. He shot up again after a few seconds. “I'm sorry. Maybe I misheard you. One does not simply break this armor into smaller components,” he said in a tone that seemed too serious for the sentence.

“Well, I didn’t mean, like, break it down into atoms or something,” I said. “Just, like, take it apart like Master Chief’s armor at the end of Halo 4.”

“I don't have my… wait a minute. Why did I never think of that…that is so crazy it might work… Delta, activate MV drive and bring it here.”

“Done.” A loud thud sounded as something really heavy landed above us.

“I'm such a dumbass.” Church said sadly. “Let's just go before I start crying,” He said with a sniffle.

Now I was even more confused than before. Now mood swings, on top of all the other already-weird symptoms? What the actual fuck was going on??

“Ooooooooookay then…” I said, very confused. A quick glance at Lilium told me she felt much the same.

I heard sobbing start up from Church. “I could have done that a year ago!” he stuttered as he fired his sniper rifle at a dead end blocking the path, completely decimating it.

I was very much confused, and wanted answers. “Okay dude, what the actual fuck?” I asked in a no-nonsense tone.

“I forgot that I could just summon my pelican…”

“You forgot that you could just summon a fucking DROPSHIP at WILL?!” I asked, astounded. “How the FUCK do you forget something like that?!”

A loud, demonic roar sounded from the area Church shot up.

“Oh shit,” I said, startled by the noise. “Now you’ve done it. Great job Church. Ten outta ten mate.”

“Actually I think it is angry at you.” He pointed at the huge spider-like thing in the massive, dark room that used to be hidden behind a dead end. I instantly recognized it, and was quite surprised. I mean, sure it was an underwhelming boss, but it was a temple boss no less. Why was it in a miniboss area?!

“SHIT!” I exclaimed, grabbing Church and Lilium and teleporting us all inside the miniboss chamber just as Armogohma fried the spot where we’d just been with what seemed to be some sort of plasma beam.

“Well. At least it wasn't a necromorph…on second thought that would kill every being on the planet.”

“This is still not good!” I shouted, very much stressed.

“It just looks like a giant spider to me.” Church said with a shrug.

“This thing is like, spider-squared!” I said, as the gigantic thing climbed up the wall, making its way to the ceiling of the fifty-meter-cube chamber.

“Mommy…” Church said as he used Lilium as a meatshield. She only looked at him disdainfully, then used her vectors to place him alongside me and her.

“Fine. No meatshield. You don't have to throw a hissy fit.”

Lilium only rolled her eyes.

“Will you two stop bickering and help me SHOOT THIS THING?!” I asked, a bit annoyed and also stressed from the GIANT SPIDER THAT WAS TRYING TO GIVE US THE NOT-HEALTHY KIND OF PLASMA TRANSFUSION!

“Technically we aren't bickering. She hasn't said a word.” Lilium only facehoof’d, before using her vectors to pick up several good-sized rocks, ranging from pebbles to about the size of an orange, and sending them flying towards Armogohma at impossible speeds.

“Axios!” Church charged his jetpack and throttled towards the massive arachnid as he grabbed his twin energy swords from his hip and started swinging erratically yet still hitting before he dodged the thing’s plasma beam.

As he moved back to avoid the beam, he took some time to inspect his handiwork, and was not at all pleased with the results. To his great surprise, and great frustration, no damage had been done.

“OH! NOW YOU HAVE FUCKED UP YOU DIRTY CHEATER! YOU'RE EVEN CAMPING!” Church’s armor suddenly started changing until I saw the Meta. He just put away his energy swords and unslung his sniper rifle before firing at full-auto at Armogohma with explosive rounds.

To his frustration, and of no surprise to me, once again his attacks did nothing, aside from annoying Armogohma, as it decided to target him in particular.

“That. Is it. I'm going to get a fucking nuke. And then I am going to shove it up your ass and call it explosive diarrhea.” He said in Omega's voice.

“Or,” I said, interrupting his rage, “You could just shoot it in the giant orange eye the plasma beam comes from, which is kinda obviously its weak point,” I said somewhat condescendingly.

“That is a noob strategy.”

“Well, it works,” I said as I did just as I’d said. I fired five shots. Two missed and hit Armogohma’s tough carapace, but the other three found their mark--the large eye in the middle of the creature’s “back,” as it were.

With an ear-splitting hiss, Armogohma fell to the ground, cracking it slightly. It landed on its back and its legs curled inward, almost making it look dead. I, however, knew better.

“Now to burn that thing alive…” Church muttered as he threw a plasma grenade straight at its ‘belly’, sticking on contact. Then another and another and another.

“Yeah, sure, keep wasting your grenades,” I said. “They might not do damage, but they stun it, thereby prolonging this battle. And while you’re doing that, you could be going crazy with a gravity hammer and actually doing damage.”

“You are lucky I'm not using forerunner weapons. And thanks for the suggestion.” I facepalmed as he took his gravity hammer and started pounding the Armogohma faster than I could blink with it.

“Damn,” I muttered. After a few minutes of this, all that remained of the giant spider was black mist.

“What? Is this Minecraft?” Church asked in confusion.

“No,” I answered. “Legend of Zelda. No blood, just weird black mist.” Suddenly the ground started to tremble beneath our feet.

“Okay. You two need to do something. Something you would never normally do. Okay?” Church asked seriously.

“Explain,” I said in a similar tone.

“GET TO DA CHOPPA!” He screamed as his pelican collapsed the roof and landed on the ground that hadn't crumbled yet. He took off in a sprint straight towards the open hatch.

Little did he know it was too late. Luckily I remembered my levitation, as well as my telekinesis, which I used to catch Lilium. We were a bit shaken, but fine. Church was already in the pelican and waving us in frantically.

I used my telekinesis to gently place Lilium in the rear of the craft next to Church, before teleporting to the both of them.

“Welcome back Director and guests.” An electronic voice said.

“Can you um, you know… Get us out of here?”

“Of course.” The hatch closed as we felt ourselves become near weightless.

I took a moment to examine the interior of the pelican, which was clearly more than just a dropship. I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me as I remembered how much I used to be into Doctor Who.

“It’s bigger on the inside!” I exclaimed.

“Well duh!” Church said in a spot-on impression of Pinkie Pie that was scarily good.

As exciting as the ship was, I took a moment to look back out at the newly-formed hole in the floor we’d almost fallen through. At the bottom was something interesting. Whereas before there had been very desert-y decor, at the bottom of the hole it looked much more forest-y, and instead of the nasty green ooze that plagued the upper area, this new lower area had lots of purple streams and mist clouds that looked none too inviting.

“Hey, take a look at this,” I called to Church and Lilium.

Church looked at Lilium with a shrug before nodding towards me.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Not sure,” I answered, “but if I had to guess, I’d say the forest part of this temple. And that purple shit? Yeah, that’s poisonous. And probably not too kind to metal either.”

“Look. I know you have a fetish for suicidal quests but the answer is no.”

“And why not?” I asked. “You’re much better equipped than me and I’m still willing to do it.”

“it's not that…You might want to look down a bit further. It gets much worse.”

I did as he instructed and saw more of the chamber below us. In addition to the poison rivers and fog, there was a large ravine that split the room in half at an angle. There were also some familiar-looking creatures down there--things that looked like the angsty cousins of Piranha Plants from Super Mario Bros., and what could only be Keese bats.

“And that isn't even the worst part. Look around. There is no suitable place to land for at least a few miles.”

I looked and saw that he was right. There was no level, clear ground as far as I could tell, and the sickly purple fog didn’t help. My eyes strayed to something else, however.

At about the same elevation as us, there was a sort of alcove that hadn’t been there before. Curious and apropos of absolutely nothing, I teleported over to it, and was rewarded for my curiosity. Inside the alcove was a treasure chest, which I then proceeded to open.

From the treasure chest sprang a great green light. It took the form of a sphere and almost reminded me of fairies from the Zelda series. It fluttered around me for a bit, before going into me. My whole body felt a bit odd for a second, and then, suddenly I felt great power surging through me, my mind filled with new knowledge. It was then that I realized what had happened.

I’d been given new magic. And not just any magic, but wind magic, which was quite convenient.

I then realized what I’d done, and quickly teleported back to the pelican.

“Hello. You have been gone for 48.19422 seconds,” Church said sternly.

“Sorry,” I said apologetically. “I saw a thing in a wall and the gamer in me knew it was a secret, and it was right! Now I CAN AIRBEND!” I exclaimed as I conjured up a small ball of winds like from the Avatar series.

“Well, while you were gone Aang, I got a really stupid idea that Lilium has vehemently disagreed with.”

“How stupid?” I asked in a far too serious tone.

“Mac-cannon to the poisonous-looking stuff.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty stupid, considering we don’t have any idea what’s down there,” I said. “For all we know, there could be some massively helpful thing down there, and the MAC shell could go straight through the ground and cause an earthquake or something.”

“Lilium here has volunteered herself to go first,” Church said in a way that I couldn't tell if he was lying or not. But from the way she was glaring at him...

“Yeah, I think I’ll just use my wind magic to clear the fog,” I said nonchalantly.

“Spoilsport. How old are you people anyway? You don't have my sense of humor at all.”

“I just don’t think it’s funny when lives are at stake,” I retorted. “Can’t speak for Lilium though.”

“Oh, don't act like you don't enjoy the adrenaline that rushes through your veins.”

“Not really, not when innocents are at risk,” I said, my voice raising and gaining a harsh edge.

“Umm… Yeah… I won't mention THAT story then…”

I just sighed, exasperated, and prepared to send out a cloaked radar pulse to determine our location relative to Desert Gem.

“Wait a second...why am I…” Church removed his helmet, “...hungry.”

“HOW can you be hungry?!” I asked, getting a bit frustrated. “That body is DEAD! How the FLYING FUCK can YOU, an ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE in a DECEASED HUMAN BODY, BE HUNGRY?!”

“I learned to not question these sort of things.” Church said cryptically.

I was about to lose it, when I remembered an old anger management technique. I removed my helmet and took a very deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth, all that shit, and calmed down.

“Well, while we are here. I'll just grab a new body from the...room,” Church shuddered as he teleported away.

“...I feel like I should be insulted,” I said to myself. “He never even asked what the one I made for him could do. Meh.”

Moments later Church returned, looking like...Wait is he the Arbiter?

“That’s new,” I remarked.

“What is?” Church's voice actually sounded like an elite.

“That body,” I replied. “Didn’t expect a sangheili.”

“You have no idea what kind of fucked-up shit I had to do to get this.”

“You’d be surprised,” I replied. “I’ve been told I have a very active imagination.”

“Just kidding. This was already here. This pelican's previous owner could probably rival the Elder Collector from Marvel.”

“Damn,” I said, thoroughly impressed. “Still, you weren’t the least bit curious about what I would’ve made for you?”

“You never told me. I figured it was a surprise.”

“Well, you never asked!” I replied. “If you had, I’d have told you. Hell, judging by what you said, it might even be here!”

“Um…Is there supposed to be an angry pair of pegasi and an alicorn flying towards us?”

“No,” I replied. “No there most certainly is not.”

“Hmm. I pissed off Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle all at once. That is a new record!”

“Who knows,” I mused. “Maybe I did.”

“No. You aren't the one polluting the atmosphere. Or secretly launching nukes at Iraq and blaming it on Russia.”

“Yeah, but Lilium and I were supposed to wait in Town Hall for Twilight and the Mayor to come out of their meeting.” Then I realized what Church had just said. “Wait, what?”

“Oh shit. You weren't supposed to know about that.”

“Meh, I’ll probably forget it soon enough anyway,” I said in a disregarding manner.

“ZANT!” Clearly the locals were unhappy.

“Ah shit,” I said under my breath. “Yes, dearest?” I asked satirically.

“Don't worry I'll cover for you,” Church said before he projected his voice outside the pelican. “You are currently in a UNSC warzone. Leave the area immediately unless you wish to join the conflict.” Clearly that wasn't the right thing to say judging by what Twilight screamed next.

“SHUT UP!” As she did this, her mane, tail, and coat seemed to start glowing white a bit, and even began to smoke. “I’ll deal with you later!” She yelled, pointing her hoof at Church.

“Oh shit,” I thought. “Is she going to evolve into Rapidash?” I equipped my helmet just in case.

“Yeah no. I like Twilight but I don't like her like that.” Church then realized he was still projecting his voice. An awkward silence ensued.

A random cough, seemingly from out of nowhere, was heard by all six of us.

After a few moments, I finally broke the silence. “So…” I said, “This is awkward…”

“SHUT UP!” A Spartan in armor yelled at me. I then realized he was just a member of the ship’s crew.

“...dafuq?” I mumbled to myself. “Who took a piss in his cereal this morning?”

“Oh. That is Albert. He's always angry,” Church explained.

“Fuck you Church!” Albert yelled.

“Ahem,” Church coughed.

“Err, I mean, Fuck you, Sir!”

“That is better.”

I looked back to Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. They all seemed to have calmed down a bit, but they all looked annoyed.

Twilight opened her mouth to say something, then stopped and said, “Know what? No. I’m done. Nope!”

“Stop. Get in the ship young lady! You need some fast food!” Twilight and her two friends were forcibly teleported in. “Do you hear me?! You need to sit down and calm down… While we serve you five star food!”

Twilight looked about ready to burst. Right when I thought she would evolve into Rapidash, she seemingly remembered her time-tested technique and brought her hoof to her chest, then thrust it outward, taking a deep breath as she did so.

“Chefs! Get this...lady some...What do you want? Free of course.”

Twilight gave a sigh of exasperation and said, “Just...just some cupcakes or something. Maybe some donuts. Comfort food.”

Church suddenly remembered he wasn't a chef and talked over the intercom. “Food staff, we have very important guests here. Get them everything sweet you can imagine!” I couldn't understand a word he was saying as he wasn't speaking English. Spanish, maybe? It sounded familiar but I still couldn’t understand a word he said.

Carrying a huge cart were a squad of six Spartans wearing the same armor as Lopez. They stopped in front of the mares and took the cover off the cart, displaying donuts, cupcakes, ice cream, even different kinds from other countries.

“Now THAT is a spread!” I said, thoroughly impressed.

“Thank you,” Twilight said before helping herself to some ice cream and a jelly donut.

“That will be negative two thousand dollars,” Church said.

Twilight didn’t hear him, as she was too busy stress-eating. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy just looked at each other and shrugged before helping themselves.

“Here! Complimentary!” A Lopez showered them in coins. “This is for the casino. That we don't actually have...I think.”

Twilight looked up from her food just long enough to mutter “thanks” before returning to her binge.

Church suddenly started laughing hard, “T-Those are American coins… Good luck using them!”

At this point, Twilight was beyond caring. There was just her and her sweets. As for the other two, they didn’t have any idea as to what Church was going on about, so they just ignored him.

“Guys. You learn something new every day. Twilight has a sweets problem. She has more in common with Celestia than I thought.”

“Nah,” I said. “I think that’s just the stress. I mean, not only do we have this hostage situation, but there’s a Nightmare Moon cult conspiring to kill her, as well as the other Elements.”

“Actually this isn't a hostage situation. A hostage situation would be me putting her in a cryochamber.”

“I was referring to Desert Gem,” I said. “You know, the one we came here to save?”

“Wait save?! YOU HIRED ME TO KILL HER NOT SAVE HER!”

I facepalmed. Hard. It hurt, even through my helmet. “Not THAT kind of marehunt, goddammit!” I said, incredibly frustrated.

“CAN ONE OF YOU JUST PROJECT AN IMAGE OF THE ONE WE ARE LOOKING FOR?! OR GIVE ME A PIECE OF DNA!”

“I already showed you a picture!” I yelled. “A changeling disguised as her tried to kill Twilight! We tried to contact the mare in question but never heard back. We assumed the worst, and here we are.”

“Songnam. Direct all priorities to finding subject with this file,” Church said to the ship. As he did, the computer screens around us showed an image of the mare I described and the geographic map of Equus with markers around it.

“Ooooh, fancy,” I snarked.

“Found two matches.” An electronic voice replied.

One came up in Ponyville. That was the changeling. The other was very close to us, in what must have been the heart of the temple. Or perhaps, temples, as there seemed to be two in one.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” Church screamed at the computer.

“I thought you would be more...appreciative, Director,” Songnam said in a sad tone.

“I am. It's just that STUPID. FUCKING. TEMPLE.” He started taking deep breaths until he calmed down.

“Well,” I said, “At least we have a map.” I went to the screen and examined the temple map. Most of the rooms were blue, while a few were orange.

“So, we’ve been in the orange ones, and the blue ones are places we’ve yet to explore,” I said, half to myself and half to the others. “That’s a lot of blue.”

“Oh and by the way. If you say we have to land the pelican on the poison I will throw all of you off the ship and into space,” Church said deadly serious.

“Well, we could do that,” I said sarcastically, “or I could just disperse the fog with my new airbending.”

“Okay Einstein. You do that. But first… Let's see… this is a complicated process…” I suddenly felt the air I was breathing become a lot cleaner. It was odd, to say the least. The sensation really defies description, yet it’s unmistakable. I pretty much had an invisible oxygen mask on that contained fresh air. But for how long, I did not know.

Knowing what I had to do, I teleported outside the ship, and used my levitation to lower myself to the ground. As I got closer, I activated my wind magic, using it to dispel the lethal fog. It just sort of dissipated into the rest of the room, some of it going out through holes Church’s weapons had made during the fight with Armogohma.

As I watched the poison fade, I noticed the pelican landing in a clearing a few feet away, perched precariously over a narrow stream of vile fluid. I saw the hatch open as Church ran away from very angry mares. “Fuck off!”

“NO! YOU TOOK AWAY THE FOOD!” They screamed.

“Oh GOD, WHAT HAS HE DONE?!” I thought, horrified. If there is one thing you never ever do EVER, it’s take away a stressed mare’s comfort food!

“Fuck this! Alalalala- *muffled*”

“Did…did he just jump into the poison...?” Rainbow Dash asked in shock.

Once again, I facepalmed. “Yes, Rainbow,” I said, exasperated. “Yes he did.”

Our jaws dropped when we saw Church get flung out of the water by a tentacle, “THAT WASN'T POISON! THAT WAS PISS!” He screamed as he was sent flying.

We all just looked at him, then the tentacle, then back at him, in horror.

Church landed in front of us sobbing. Well…I think he was- no wait he's coughing. The piss liquid was what he coughed out.

We let him have a moment. Then I asked, “Time for another body?”

“I'll just have this one washed in an industrial car wash…But yeah...”

Church had returned as a human again but was wearing armor from a game I hadn't played.

“What’s this then?” I asked.

“I'm Isaac Clarke. You know, from Dead Space…kind of. The color is off.”

“Oh yeah, that guy,” I said. “Never played the games. Closest I got was watching the Zero Punctuation reviews.”

“At least I can go in contaminated areas now.”

“True,” I said.

“Why are you mares looking at me like that?” He asked. They were looking at his armor in confusion.

“I think it’s the whole body-swapping thing,” I said to him.

“Well. I am dead,” He said bluntly to the mares, who automatically assumed he was doing something evil.

Before they could say anything Church held up a hand and said, “No I am not a necromancer. Just your ordinary Artificial Intelligence.” After he said that he walked away until he was at the edge of the ravine. And then just…jumped.

Once again we all stared in shock. As soon as we got over the initial surprise, we ran over to the edge of the ravine, careful to to slip on the wet moss, only to hear an ominous *sploosh*. Church, it seemed, had fallen into the purple piss-river at the bottom of the ravine. He swam up to the surface and jumped out of the piss, somehow clean.

Lilium and I didn’t even bother facepalming/hoofing this time. The other three mares, however, still stared in shock.

“Hey! Get down here! It's safe!”

“I think you broke them!” I called down to him.

“Hey Twilight! And her friends! If you help us with this I'll give you back your food!”

Twilight, Rainbow, and Fluttershy just fell over, each stiff as a board. Luckily they didn’t fall over the side of the ravine.

Church suddenly adopted Celestia’s voice. “TWILIGHT SPARKLE! YOU ARE TARDY!”

Suddenly Twilight shot straight up. “TARDY?!” She exclaimed. “I CAN’T BE TARDYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

“Okay, now you won't be tardy if you help your friends out of their shocked states and help Zant and the others with their mission.” Church was hidden so she couldn't tell it was him saying this.

“Yes ma’am!” Twilight replied quickly. She gave a painful zap to Rainbow and Fluttershy to wake them up, then teleported the three of them as well as Lilium and myself to the bottom of the ravine, hyperventilating all the while.

Church suddenly whispered so that only Lilium and I could hear. “You better not say anything.” His tone promised space ejection. I made a loop with my thumb and index finger, my other three fingers extended, giving him the universal sign for “okay.”

“So, any ideas where this elusive mare is?” Church asked the still-hyperventilating Twilight Sparkle.

“No ma’am!” Twilight replied stiffly. “The A.I.-undead-whatever had a map but I couldn’t understand it ma’am!” The more she spoke the more tense and worried she sounded.

“You seem disappointed. Mayhaps it was because of the format of the map?’

“No ma’am!” Twilight responded. “I couldn’t understand the language!”

Church spoke in his normal voice, and one could practically hear the smirk in his tone. “Be right back.” He teleported back after a few seconds holding a datapad. “Yours. It supports many languages but I currently have it in Equestrian. There’s a LOT of information on here. Over a yottabyte. Go crazy,” He said as he handed her the datapad.

Suddenly Twilight realized what had happened. She stopped hyperventilating. Her expression contorted to one full of rage. Then, she took a deep breath.

She used her magic to snatch the datapad out of Church’s hand, then proceeded to fire a high-intensity beam of magic at him, most likely some high-caliber offensive spell. His body glowed so bright, the rest of us had to look away.

And when the light finally became bearable…Church was still standing there with his arms crossed.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were nowhere to be seen.

I sent out a radar pulse that covered the approximate area of the temple and found them nowhere nearby. Most likely Twilight had teleported them back to Ponyville while Church was glowing.

“Oh hell no.” Church teleported away and a primal scream of rage could be heard from Ponyville before he teleported back holding the datapad.

“Ouch,” I said, cringing inwardly. “Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?”

“No. She hit me with a spell that could melt bedrock from Minecraft. So actually that was pretty fair.”

“Yeah, but you kinda made her break,” I replied.

“You get used to it.” I suddenly realized where he was going with this. Did he actually have the memories of being tortured…?

“I understand the whole Alpha fragmenting thing,” I said, “but that doesn’t give you the right to do that to other people. Especially when they’re already having a pretty shitty week.”

“...” Church completely disregarded what I said and entered a dark room.

Not knowing what else to do, Lilium and I followed.

We were greeted by more forest-y decor. Roots supporting the ceiling like pillars, moss all over the place, more streams of purple piss, et cetera.

“Et Not Undia,” Church said.

“Wha-?” I started, but then I thought better. “Forget it,” I finished.

“It means…Don't lose your reasons.”

“Oooookay then,” I said, not sure what else I could say in response to such a thing.

“That is what the glyph means anyway.”

“Um, sorry, which glyph would that be again?” I asked.

Church pointed to a glyph that was marked in the purple piss pool. Creepy.

“That’s not weird at all…” I said sarcastically to myself.

Church looked at me and for once there was no jokes or humor at all. I don't know if I like this more or less. “We need to keep going.” He said in a resigned tone.

“Uh, yeah,” I said. “Let’s do that.”

As we moved through this room, we found ourselves greeted by the local flora and fauna, in the form of Deku Babas and Keese.

“I made another displaced hate me. Fuck.” Church mumbled.

“Hey, whoa, whoa!” I shouted as I let loose salvos of dark magic at the beasts. “I never said I hated you!”

“Well she obviously does.” He said as he lazily fired a plasma cutter at anything hostile.

“Just give her some time,” I said as I used my airbending to disorient the Keese.

Church just walked up to a Keese and shot it point-blank. It was very effective, considering all that remained of the evil bat was black mist. He repeated this process until all the evil things in the room had been killed. Brutally. Not to mention lazily.

“Fucking Keese,” I muttered.

“Shit. I never told her goodbye,” Church muttered.

“Never told who goodbye?” I asked.

“My um...daughter.”

“Oh.” It was all I could think of to say. The shock of that kind of bombshell was more than a bit difficult to recover from.

“We're getting close. I'm detecting the one we came here for a few rooms away.”

“Maybe,” I said, “But given the nature of this temple thusfar, I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

“Of course you wouldn't…”

This room only had one other door in it, so we proceeded onward.

The next room was much more interesting. It was clearly some kind of crossroads, with four paths creating an intersection.

“Whoever built these places has some serious issues.”

“Either that or some kind of maze fetish,” I said sarcastically.

“Do you guys have any cheats?”

“Depends on your definition of cheat,” I replied.

“Get past this stupid maze unfairly instead of playing along and potentially walking into another trap.”

“Well,” I said hesitantly, “that's just the thing. I've only been here a little under a month, and Lilium doesn't have much besides her vectors, sooo…”

“...” Church facepalmed. “I meant do you see any way we can exploit this? Fly over it or something. That would involve a lot of cutting. Something.”

“Ah, now that, THAT is doable!” I exclaimed. “If I'm correct then one behind one of these doors is the path that takes us to our missing mare. The other two have some sort of collectible. Important documents or cash, perhaps. Shit we can come back to, usually. So in theory all we need to do is have a quick look inside each room.”

“Our mission is more important. We don't need money. Documents might be irrelevant. Not going to dismiss them entirely though.”

“Quick look it is then!” I said as we each chose a door. Church took the one directly across from where we’d entered, Lilium took the one to his right, and I went to the left.

I pushed open the heavy-duty wooden door and poked my head through. There wasn't much to see, just some Bulblins guarding some shit. I was about to disregard it, but my instincts got the better of me and I used my augmented vision to sneak a peek inside the chest they were guarding. I struck metaphorical gold.

I leaned back through the door and shouted, “Got a key in here! A big one!”

I heard gunshots coming from where Church went. After a minute, the gunshots stopped and Church stepped out of his chosen door covered in blood.

“What happened to you?” I asked.

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“If you say so,” I replied. “Find anything?

“...Previous victims. Let's just say I'm the last one.”

“The Cult of Nightmare’s work, I would guess.”

“Uh no. There was a basilisk in there.”

“Shit,” I thought to myself. I didn't remember exactly what Basilisk did to you, but I knew it wasn’t good. “Deadly neurotoxin?”

“No. Petrification.”

“I thought that was a cockatrice…”

“It isn't their exclusive power.”

“Huh.” I then turned to Lilium. “You find anything?” I asked her.

“Um...I think we're supposed to go this way…” she said, pointing towards her door.

“After I discover what Zant…Wow those are some ugly guards.”

“Annoying too. Kill them quick,” I advised.

Church casually shot them in the head before they even knew what hit them. By the time he’d gotten to the center of the room, where the chest was, there was almost no sign of the Bulblin guards, save a bit of black mist.

“I hate to be morbid but…If you were killed would that black mist happen with you as well?”

“I honestly have no idea,” I answered. “Anyway…”

I went to the middle of the room and kicked the chest open. Inside was a large, metallic grey, vaguely demonic-looking key with accents the same shade of purple as the piss streams.

“Is this…Does this mean...I mean I know it seemed obvious but...this confirms that our mare isn't here of her own volition right?”

“Yeah pretty much,” I said. Lilium nodded.

“Wow. That is the first time you haven't glared at me or just plain ignored me.”

“Time is all it takes,” I said.

“That reminds me. Her name is Amor,” Church said as he picked up the key and tested its weight.

“Your daughter?” I asked.

“Yeah. She's an alicorn,” he said bluntly.

“Daaaaaamn dude,” I said, surprised. “How’d ya swing that?

“What?” he asked as he took the path Lilium mentioned.

As we followed him, I said, “Well, ya know, A.I. with an alicorn daughter, what happened? Did hell freeze over?”

“In a way, the reverse happened. ‘Tis a sad story.”

“Maybe later then,” I said, trying to focus on the task at hand.

“She isn't far away. One room away now. Albeit a large room. That room. You remember that large throne-room-shaped room?”

“A bit, yeah,” I answered l. “And who, Desert Gem?”

“Yes. Her.”

I sent out a pulse to confirm this, and sure enough, she was just next door to us. But I noticed something strange.

She was being moved. By two other sentient lifeforms.

“So. We go in and survey the area. And then we strike. Any ideas?”

“I have a spell that can conceal me and Lilium,” I said. “It will make us invisible and perfectly silent.”

“Luckily for you my active camouflage does the same and all I have to do is hold it or stick it to what I want invisible. “ Church pulled out a spherical-looking thing and tapped it, causing him to start blending in until he was invisible. He became visible again a few seconds later.

“Neat,” I said. “Shall we, then?”

“Yep.”

I activated the camouflage spell, and we all filed into the next room.

It was indeed a bit like a throne room, but in a rather sad state. What remained of it was little more than rubble, and plant life ran wild, including Deku Babas. I looked across the room, just in time to catch a glimpse of the unconscious Desert Gem being dragged into another room by what looked like a pair of gryphons.

“Kill them?” Church asked.

“Too late to get the gryphons now,” I said, precisely as the door they'd just gone through shut and a large purple-and-grey lock fell into place. “Ask for the carnivorous shrubbery? Go crazy,” I said.

“Don't make me blow up that door.” Church aimed his rifle at the door, “I'll turn the H.E. levels up if I have to.” He threatened.

“Don't waste your time,” I said as Lilium and I began to mow down Deku Babas. “We have the key, remember?”

To answer my question, he walked up to the door and tried inserting the key but it didn't fit. “This key is for something else.” Church said.

Once the Deku Babas had been taken care of, I went over to him and said, “Let me try.”

Church handed me the key, letting me attempt it. The key only went in halfway and stopped at a bump.

I focused my telekinesis on it and felt, rather than saw, a response. It was a sort of magical pull. I poured a small amount of dark magic into the key, and it immediately began to turn. We were in.

“And so this doesn't close behind us…” Church pulled out one of his energy swords and sliced the now inert lock off, causing the door to stop moving almost immediately.

We went into the new room, the door somehow closing behind us, even though none of us had done anything to make it happen.

“Fuck you door! I cut off your lock!” The door groaned almost as if in response. Luckily it didn't up and grow a new lock as there was still a gaping hole.

I immediately recognized this new room. I’d teleported Jason, Ghirahim and I here during our battle. More significantly, it was a miniboss chamber in Twilight Princess. And I had a bit of an idea as to who we’d be fighting.

The two gryphons in front of us were almost certainly twins. Both had feathers that could only be described as blonde covering their hawk-like heads, giving way to plumage and fur black as night on their bodies. Both were armed to the teeth with all kinds of pointy things. One had knives and daggers, the other long-range weaponry.

“Who do you verk for?” Church asked in an unknown accent. “Tell me or I'll send straight you to the nether.”

“My my, threats?” said one in a posh British accent.

“How rude,” said the other in a voice almost identical to her...twin sister, I'd guess.

“I am not a hero. I will torture your soul in hell if you didn't give us...well, me what I want.” I noticed that they were acting a more than a bit arrogant, like they were cats just waiting to pounce, and we were mice.

“Oh dear, I have no doubt you'll try,” said one.

“Succeeding, now that's much less likely,” said the other. “We will tell you one thing, though.”

“I’m Constance,” said the one with the spears, who’d spoken first.

“And I’m Verity,” said the other gryphoness, who had the daggers.

“And we’ll be your murderers today,” they both said at the same time. With that, they both took to the air, Constance drawing her spears, Verity grabbing tons of pointy things with each claw.

“Good luck with that, I am already dead.” Church said as he faded away, revealing it was a hologram.

The assailants didn't reply, but rather attacked, Constance dive-bombing us, trying to impale either me or Lilium, Verity throwing daggers with deadly precision. I teleported out of the way before either of them got to me, and Lilium used her vectors to block Constance, and while she tried to grab Verity’s dagger out of the air, she found she couldn't get a grip on it, almost as though it were slippery, and so she wound up dodging at the last second.

The totem poles from before were still here, so I decided to take advantage of them, and reappeared atop the center one. I turned to see Constance going after Lilium again and Verity throwing daggers at Church’s holographic form.

“I've always wanted to do this.” Church jumped into Verity, possessing her.

“HURK!” Verity screamed in an unladylike way as she started twitching. She continued to seize for a minute or so, beginning to fall, until she was caught by Constance. A short while later, she began to cough violently. Lilium and I could only watch, transfixed.

“Surprise.” She said in Church's voice as she put a dagger through Constance’s chest, missing the heart by a few inches. At least that is what would have happened if Church didn't suddenly get ejected.

“You serious? You're fucking weird.” Church said in disgust. He had looked into her mind only a moment prior.

Verity took a moment regain her balance, before leaping out of her sister’s claws and into the air, a look of pure unadulterated rage on her face. Constance looked at her briefly and immediately understood what was going on.

Playtime was over.

Constance put away her spears in favor of duel katanas. She pressed a switch on the hilt and the black blades were surrounded by an ominous purple aura.

Verity drew four ninja stars(?!) made of a strange, sickly-looking metal in each claw.

The twins sprang into action. Verity threw her dark stars, most of them aimed at Church, and Constance dove at me and Lilium.

Church ignored everything that was happening, in favor of just kicking away Verity, sending her flying away as he started wrecking havoc on the room with his Hydra MLRS.

Despite the homing projectiles, the twins were somehow unscathed. They then realized he wasn't actually aimed at them. He was aiming at everything else. Holes were starting to form in the walls and ceiling. He was trying to collapse the building. Entirely. With me and Lilium still inside!

However, in his frenzy, Church had forgotten about Verity’s attacks, which cut through his body like a hot knife through butter, and left wounds that had black smoke coming from them.

Surprisingly, even though he looked wounded, when the black smoke faded...It revealed metal. Was he...Was he a terminator?

“You shouldn't have done that.” Church said as he roundhouse kicked her away and left her a gift in the form of a rocket to the crotch. Surprisingly his attacks only phased through her, as Church’s physical body started to phase and become intangible. If it continued he would fall through the world!

“I swear if this sends me to the void again...I will kill everyone on this world. By glassing it.” Church said as he started falling.

“Shit!” I said. I had to act fast. I used my airbending to stun the twins, then flooded Church’s body with far-above-lethal amounts of dark magic to force him out of it.

A robotic scream that echoed through and beyond the temple shook the room like an earthquake as Church was ejected from his body. I put my hands to the sides of my helmet in a vain attempt to stop the noise.

The twins, apparently more vulnerable to noise, were still reeling and fell to the ground. While Lilium recovered, I took advantage of Constance and Verity’s injuries and took the time to fire a salvos of dark magic at them.

After a few hits, they somehow recovered and got up, looking very much worse for wear. They said nothing, each only tearing a large red diamond from gold chains around their necks, neither of which I had noticed before. They crushed the diamonds in their claws and disappeared in a flurry of black and gold diamonds, reminiscent of Ghirahim’s teleportation.

I made sure Lilium was okay, which she was, albeit a bit shell shocked, and sent out a radar pulse. This time I sent it down as well as up and out. I didn't know for sure, but I had to make sure Church was still alive somehow.

I received no response. I looked around and saw a chip that wasn't activated. Maybe it was Church?

I picked it up and put a miniscule amount of magic in it to power it.

“T-this u-u-ni-it has sus-sustained se-severe damage-damage.” It said.

I knew what I had to do. I called upon all the magic I had and concentrated on an image I remembered from home. A form suiting a warrior.

My levitation activated involuntarily, placing me about two feet in the air above the central totem pole. The chip hovered directly in front of me. The air around it grew blindingly bright. Lilium shielded her eyes, but I didn't notice. I was focused on the spell.

As the air grew brighter still, I concentrated on the chip. I felt Church’s presence in it, but it was faint. There were other presences that were stronger. I redoubled my efforts.

I thought of the body I had in mind. I knew what it had to be capable of. I thought of every single detail.

I focused on Church and the other presences in the chip.

The air around the chip got so bright it almost burned. The chip itself glowed dark red.

The entire chamber glowed like the sun, then everything went black.

I don't know how long I was out, but when I came to, I saw quite the opposite of what I expected. A white coated alicorn hologram that looked like Cadence but not was what I saw. “Hello, my name is Amor. Epsilon has currently locked himself out.”

I wasn't quite sure what to react, so I just picked myself up off the ground and said, “Uhhhh, hi there.” I looked over and saw Lilium unconscious near the chamber’s entrance. I figured she was fine for the moment, so I turned back to Amor and asked, “Is he okay?”

“You tell me. You're the one who did this to my Dad.” She said with a mare's stare.

“Well, that's the thing,” I said, exhausted and worried for Church. “I don't know what I did. I tried to save him, honest. That gryphoness, she would’ve condemned him to a fate worse than death. He would’ve been stuck in the planet's core forever. And I mean FOREVER. So I did the only thing that would remove him from his body: I killed him. Of course, I figured since he was an A.I., he’d just come back. Guess I was wrong. I found the chip and tried to conjure a new body, but I don't know how well it came out. I very much hope he's okay; I've come to appreciate him as a friend.”

“...” Amor stared at me in silence for but a moment before trotting over to Lilium’s unconscious form. “Wake up sweetie.” She nudged the unconscious diclonius slightly.

Lilium stirred slightly, indicating that she was only asleep rather than in a coma. Amor nudged her again, and Lilium slowly but surely awoke.

“Are you alright?” Amor asked in concern. Lilium nodded in response. “We can wait as long as you need.” Maybe this was Church's daughter after all. Or at least, a memory.

I looked around the room, trying to find anything out of the ordinary. I must have been unconscious for a long time. Through the holes in the ceiling, I could see Luna’s night sky. Other than that, however, all I could see was Lilium, Amor, and myself. No one else.

I’d put so much magic and effort into that conjuration. Had nothing come of it?

Feeling dejected, I sat on the ground, unequipped my helmet, and leaned back against a totem pole. I just looked at the moon through a hole and felt like garbage. Blood was spattered where Church had been, engraved into the ground forever as a stain.

“Fuck me,” I thought to myself. “This is all my fault. Church is gone forever…”

“...And it's my fault,” I said to myself glumly.

“What about Desert Gem? She's still here.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” I said, “but Church is...I don't even know! Is he dead? Is he whatever counts as alive for him? Is he in purgatory or that void thing? I don't know!”

“No. He is under my care now.” Amor said sternly.

“Thank GOD,” I said, relieved. There was still one thing, though. “Did the body come out okay?” I asked Amor.

“All you did was give me the ability to make my form physical.”

“No, no,” I said as I got to my feet. “One does not simply cast a conjuration spell of that magnitude and have no outcome other than an A.I. being able to make its holographic form physical. There should be some sort of outcome, even if it’s just a pile of radioactive sludge.”

Then it occurred to me. There was one place I hadn’t looked. Berating myself mentally once again, I looked up and saw the fruits of my labor.

It was amazing. I couldn’t tell from where I was standing, but I assumed it was about seven feet tall. The body was heavily armored, if not totally robotic. It gleamed in the moonlight. The four wings--two in between its shoulders, two at the small of its back--made it look even more menacing. Its head(?) had crown-like spikes that pointed straight up. Blood-red highlights glowed all across its body, painting lines all across its limbs. The lines all led to the core crystal in the center of its chest.

My first major conjuration had been a success.

I stared in shock. I hadn’t fully expected it to work, but there it was. In a stupor, still staring at the body, I stuttered, “Uh, h-hey, Amor?”

“Yes?” She asked impatiently. She was still making sure Lilium was okay as she fussed over her.

“I, uh, found the body…”

“Uh-huh.” Amor said as she looked over Lilium who continued to assure Amor she was fine. “Are you sure you aren't hurt in any way?”

Lilium nodded firmly, a hint of annoyance in her eyes.

“Good. And what is...that?” She asked me in confusion as she stared at what I had created.

“Number C101: Silent Honor DARK,” I replied. “Otherwise known as Church’s new body. It’s hollow, and it should be compatible with his...well, with him, I guess.”

“He gets way too many gifts for his own good,” Amor said with a discontented frown.

“Be that as it may,” I said, “I think his opponents will find this one much harder to remove him from.”

“If you say so. When he gets back I'm going to be having a very long talk with him.” I could hear her anger. And feel it.

“I’ll let you do that,” I replied. “Any idea when he’ll be back?”

“I can force him to come back,” Amor said with a smirk. I did not like where she was going with this.

“Uh, yeah, do that at your own discretion,” I said, getting a bit nervous. I knew what I’d put into that body, and if Church had that when he was pissed, whoever fought him, as well as possibly Lilium and me (at least at the moment), was in for a bad time.

“*static* I-I...I have returned. *static*” I heard Church's voice say as his hologram appeared next to Amor, “And you better NOT tell her about this!” He screamed at the memory of his daughter.

“Uh, hey buddy,” I said to Church awkwardly. “How ya feelin’?”

“Where is Desert Gem?” he asked bluntly.

I had a faint idea, but I wasn’t sure, so I sent out a radar pulse to check, and sure enough…

“There’s a set of stairs leading to a massive round chamber behind this door,” I said, motioning to a large, foreboding door opposite the one we’d just come in. A purple circular rune faintly glowed on its left half.

“There’s two other doors in that chamber. One leads to the surface. The other goes to a small room. Desert Gem is in that small room.”

“Let's go,” Amor said before giving Church a pointed glare. “And I will tell her whether you like it or not.” I knew she was referring to the real Amor. I had a feeling that Church was in for a bad time when he got home.

Church shook his head briefly, then said pretty loudly, “This. This is why I don't trust females.” Amor and Lilium had definitely heard that from their expressions.

To break the tension, I said to Church, “So, uh, you like the body?”

“I never played nor watched Yu-Gi-Oh! so I have no idea.” Church said bluntly.

“Well, give it a test run, or whatever you wanna call it,” I said.

Church just stared at me, not making a move. “I can't carry this.”

I facepalmed. “You’re supposed to get in it!” I said, frustrated.

Amor pushed Church towards it against his will until he was in front of the ‘suit’, nearly touching it.

“Well? What are you waiting for Dad? It's not like it was made in China.” Amor scoffed.

“Um, I don’t know about made in China, but I’m pretty sure it was conceptualized in Japan,” I said.

Church begrudgingly entered the shell. As soon as he entered, the thing’s eyes lit up a pale shade of green, and the glowing dark-red lines began to pulse, going to and from the core, almost like the core was a heart and the light was blood. “I still don't trust mares,” Church said bluntly, in a voice that was slightly more robotic than usual for him. “They either want to kill me, or love me. And I don't know which is worse.”

Amor sighed while Lilium just shook her head.

Anxious to change the subject, I turned to Church and asked, “So, how does it feel?”

“Getting killed? Well at first you see a bright light and then you-” He stopped at my blank expression.

“I meant the body,” I deadpanned.

“Oh, well as long as Amor doesn't g-” He froze when he realized she was right next to the shell. “No! You aren't getting in.” He jumped up and smashed through the ceiling effortlessly.

The ceiling rumbled, and seemed like it was about to cave in. Thinking quick, I grabbed Amor and Lilium and teleported us back to where we’d first arrived. The clearing where we’d first set down.

When we arrived, we saw Church hovering in the air some ways away, watching as a section of ground below him collapsed.

“Hell yeah! America!” He yelled as he started smashing through the floor, presumably to get to Desert Gem.

A moment later, he came back looking pissed, and very much empty-handed.

“Having fun there?” I asked sarcastically.

“FUCK!” He yelled as he grabbed a pillar and threw it at the wall, impaling it into it at an angle.

“Whoa! Dude! WHOA!” I yelled to him. “CALM THE FUCK DOWN! If you break the wrong thing, we might never find her!”

“I WILL TEAR DOWN THIS… “ Church calmed down when Amor shook her head sadly, “...place.”

“You okay there buddy?” I asked him sincerely.

“Ask all the dead bodies down there.” He pointed to the hole.

What he said shocked me. “This place is still inhabited?!” I asked in disbelief.

“Those are the bodies of royal guards and civilians.”

“Equestrians?!” I asked him, now very much afraid.

“Dozens. All brutally murdered,” He said seriously.

“Do you know who or what did them in?” I asked in an equally serious tone.

“You tell me? Do you know any other criminal organizations that would slit a foal's throat so nonchalantly?”

“The Cult of Nightmare will BURN,” I said, my voice becoming murderous and slightly warped.

“Do you know what Desert Gem's significance is to the Cult of Nightmare?” Amor asked.

“Her unique magic might have something to do with it,” I answered, my voice returning to normal. “I know she’s half-genie, whatever that means in this fucked-up world.”

“I may not care if others die in war but KILLING A DEFENSELESS CHILD? THAT. That is fucked up.”

“The next time I see one of them?” I said, “No mercy.”

“Lilium,” Church said as he looked at her. She looked at him in response, her head tilted as a cue for him to continue. Church walked up to her, his stomps resonating throughout the temple until he leaned into her ear and whispered something only she could hear. His tone was pleading.

This deeply intrigued me. I arched an eyebrow, then looked to Amor and asked her, “Should I be concerned about all that over there?” as I pointed at Church and Lilium.

Amor giggled, “Yes. Yes you should be.”

By that point Lilium was looking Church in the eye and said, just loud enough for me to hear, and very, very seriously, “He won’t. Even if he tries, I’ll make sure he doesn’t.”

“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath. I had no idea what to make of this, but it didn’t seem like a good thing. In fact, it seemed very, very bad.

“Thank you, Lilium. It is all I could ask.” Church said as he picked her up and gave her a gentle hug.

He set her down, then looked to me and Amor and said, “Wort wort wort.” He sounded exactly like a Sangheili.

Amor and I just facepalmed/hoof’d. Lilium looked confused. I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit, despite everything.

“Um. I think our target is moving in our direction.” Church said in confusion.

I sent out a radar pulse. I found something very strange. I could no longer detect Desert Gem in the chamber she’d been in before. But I did detect her coming up behind us...

I quickly turned around to see Desert Gem with a murderous look on her face, a dagger in her magical grip.

Her green, fiery magical grip.

I instantly knew what was going on here. Somehow the changeling had gotten loose, and perhaps her use of Desert Gem’s form was suppressing the signature of the real Desert Gem.

“Déjà vú,” Church said.

“Tell me about it,” I said. I remembered a spell I’d learned not long ago. Twilight had used it on the changeling before, and I’d asked her how it worked for future reference. This was an excellent time to practice it.

I cast the remove-guise spell on ‘Desert Gem,’ and it did exactly what it was supposed to: reveal, and paralyze, the changeling assassin that had been about to impale me. The same one that had been locked in the jail cell under Ponyville Town Hall a few hours ago.

“Hey, I have just the thing for you. They used to do this to Queens in hives I visited who were traitors. That is If you don't speak.” The bug’s eyes widened.

“Or,” I said, “you could grab her, stick her in the void for a second or so, pull her out, and absorb her. Or just leave her there.”

“I don't know. I have an alliance with Changelings. I quite like them. But you. You should have stayed in your cell.”

“Truer words have never been spoken,” I said. I conjured up chains with heavy metal balls at one end and shackles at the other. Four of them, one for each of her hooves. I also conjured a magic-inhibitor ring, which went on her horn.

“So, say something. You obviously aren't a drone. Oh no, you are an infiltrator.” Church said as he stomped on the ground threateningly, a few feet from the infiltrator’s face.

“If you won’t talk willingly, we’ll make you,” I threatened. “It’s amazing what one can do with a large amount of liquid metal, a vast supply of dark magic, and psychic arms that can cut through most metals.” Lilium looked at the infiltrator murderously.

The infiltrator spoke in a language that I didn’t understand. Church apparently did though.

“She says fuck off,” Church relayed. The changeling looked horrified.

I equipped my helmet, then conjured a scimitar in one hand and readied a dark magic salvo in the other. I hefted the scimitar and pretended to examine the salvo before turning to the traitor and saying, “Wanna try that again?”

“Okay! Okay! You win!” Church looked at her in confusion.

“You realize I will be able to tell if you are lying by pupil dilation, body temperature, heart rate and your voice right?”

The infiltrator nodded rapidly.

“Tell them why you are here. And since I know your hive or group won't let you back after this...One of us is going to protect you.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of that last bit, but I kept my weapons at the ready just in case. I looked around to scan for wildlife, but everything seemed to be giving us plenty of space. Even so, I could see some glowing eyes at the edge of the clearing. I fired off the salvo just short of them to keep them from doing anything annoying. The eyes disappeared after that. I looked at the changeling and said, “Talk.”

The infiltrator nodded, “Fine. But only will I go with one of you if the one that guards me understands changeling custom.”

“Sure, whatever. Just talk, before one of us gets bored and decides to do something we’ll regret,” I said impatiently.

I felt a pain in my chest suddenly, Church had just flicked me in the chest, “Show some respect. You have no idea what her hive will do. Anyway, you should explain your mission.”

“My hive,” she began, “We’d been starving for so long. The Queen, she said we didn’t have any food, no love, at least, not enough to keep us going. Our meals were strictly rationed. The Queen had full control of our food stores. I saw so many changelings get thinner and thinner. Some just...faded away until they were nothing more than an empty carapace. Some grew depressed and committed suicide. The children...it was the worst for them.” She stopped for a moment to suppress a tear.

“Who was your queen?” Church asked as softly as his robotic voice would allow.

“Queen Apocrita,” said the infiltrator, rage filling her voice.

“Wait a minute. I remember a Queen named that. Iron-hoof dictator right?”

“Precisely,” said the now-enraged bug. “I was the best infiltrator in the hive, and there was a reason for that. One day I followed some member of the castle staff into an area that was off-limits to the rest of the hive. Turns out there wasn’t a food shortage after all! The Queen had just been keeping it all to herself! When I saw this, I vowed that I would exact vengeance upon Queen Apocrita for all she’d done. I tried to kill her, but the guards threw me out of the hive before I could even start. Turns out I wasn’t as sneaky as I’d thought.”

“You could be the new Queen. You know that right? You just need the...resources.” Church gave a weird laugh, considering how staticy it was.

The infiltrator’s story put everything into perspective. I understood her story, and if Church was anything to go by, it seemed to be true. But there was still one thing that confused me. “So why exactly did you try to kill Twilight? And myself?” I asked.

The infiltrator sighed and said, “After I was kicked out, I just...wandered for a while. Eventually I made it to the old castle in the forest. I was so hungry. I met a creepy gray stallion, and he gave me concentrated love--some of the best food a changeling can have. He said if I killed you or that pony princess he’d give me more. When you intervened, I knew the princess would be too well-guarded, so I decided to try to catch you unawares.”

“Well, here is the thing. Never underestimate your opponent. To kill the unknown…wait for the right time, examine their vulnerabilities. And kill them using these vulnerabilities.” Church noticed the horrified stares coming from everyone, “What? It is common sense.”

There was just one more thing I needed to know. “What’s your name?” I asked the changeling. I couldn’t just keep calling her ‘the changeling’ or ‘the infiltrator’ or ‘the bug.’

“Not all changelings have names like we do Zant. And when they do, most of the time it is to blend in.” Church lectured.

“He’s right,” she said. “I was never given a name.”

“Well fuck that shit. Would you like one?” I asked her.

“Um...Zant. You have no idea how disrespectful that was to ask.” Church said as he crumpled to the floor laughing hard at her horrified expression.

I suddenly felt very much embarrassed. “No, Church, no I don’t. I know nothing about changeling culture. They’re very reclusive in this universe, so other than the whole wedding incident, they haven’t been seen very much.”

"If she had liked her queen... What you just did would be ten times more disrespectful. From what I know, it is an honor for a changeling to be given a name. And well… I think you see the problem here. We aren’t even changelings.”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry,” I said, very much embarrassed. If my helmet hadn’t been hiding my face, I’m sure everyone present would have seen me blushing, even in the low light.

“N-no,” the changeling stuttered. “I-I’d like a name. I always wanted one, and I still do, even if it’s a bit unorthodox to get one from...whatever you are.”

“I was thinking of Nosferatu…” Church said with a shrug.

“How about we don’t name her after old movie monsters?” I asked sarcastically. “Perhaps...Rhyssa?”

Church started laughing so hard I swear the ground started shaking. The rest of us ignored him.

The changeling seemed to consider this for a moment before saying, “Y-yes. Rhyssa. I like that.”

“I'm sorry! It's just you said an obscure reference from a movie in the 2830s!” Church gave an unmanly giggle.

“I wasn’t trying to…” I said.

“I just realized something. We have a human, a changeling, a diclonius, the memory of my daughter and one badass over here!” Church yelled.

“I was human,” I corrected. “Now I’m a Twili.”

“That doesn't matter. At least you exist,” Church retorted.

“You exist,” I said. “You just haven’t become corporeal yet. But if you really learn how to use that body, you can.”

“Oh and I have news. The real Desert Gem? Showing no vitals. Either dead or in some kind of stasis.”

“Fuck,” I muttered. “We’d better get going. Rhyssa, you wanna come with?” I said to everyone.

“Stop looking at me like you expect me to have a problem with this.” Church said as he saw everyone looking at him inquisitively.

“I’m sorry Dad but we cannot stay for much longer. At this point I would expect a large response to your disappearance,” Amor said

“Wait, before you go, can you fill me in on any other details about displaced?” I asked him.

“Stay away from overly happy or overly eager sounding displaced. That is self-explanatory. This doesn't apply to me.” Church said bluntly. “They tend to find me.”

“Okay, got it,” I said. “Hey, how do I make a thing people can use to summon me?”

Church fell through the floor at that. He hovered back up and gave me what I assumed was an ‘are you fucking serious?’ look.

“What?” I asked him. “No one told me any of this!”

“Watch. And do as I do. Step one.” Church pulled out his energy sword, “Get something you want others to recognize as your token.”

I conjured a hard-magic version of the rune that appeared behind me whenever I altered reality (as I did occasionally when I was bored). It looked almost exactly like the thing that had sent me to Equus.

“Step two. Take a vow of chastity.” At the bewildered expressions everyone was giving he laughed. “The real second step is to say what you want others to hear when they find your token.”

I channeled a bit of magic into the rune and said what came to mind. “If you seek to protect the weak and help those who need it, call on me in your time of need, and I, Usurper King Zant, shall answer.”

“Protect the weak? Are you calling Rhyssa weak?” Church asked in mock-shock.

“Weak is a subjective term,” I replied.

“She isn't weak. She is cute.” Church said as he...kissed her chitin before walking away.

Rhyssa went stiff and looked like she was about to fall over. Lilium and I weren't quite sure what to do. I just looked to Church and asked, “So, uh, what next?”

“I go. And take good care of Rhyssa. I like her already,” Church said bluntly.

“Oh,” I said, a bit sad he had to leave. “But what do I do with this?” I asked, my sadness clear in my voice.

Before I could even register what was happening, Church punched a hole in the air and tossed my token into it.

“So that's where they come from,” I muttered. “It’s been...interesting, Church,” I said sadly. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“No need. I can always come back. But first…” Church teleported away for a moment and came back carrying a large container with some kind of fluid in it. “This is a decade's worth...It was supposed to feed a revolution but that never happened. A gift from a Queen named Aragog,” Church said as he handed it to Rhyssa.

She looked at it in awe. “For...for me?!” She asked breathlessly.

“Indeed. Why, there is probably enough in there to ascend you but I wouldn't waste it.”

Rhyssa fainted this time. Apparently gift-giving was super effective on her.

“This won't be the last time you see me. Goodbye,” Church said as his form faded away.

As I finally returned to my universe I ended up landing in Ponyville...In front of some very familiar ponies.

“WORTH IT!” I screamed as they glared at me.