Author's Notes:

Note: Before anyone complains about the no Meta Rule, this story was started before the rule came into play, and then the story was grandfathered past the rule. Since this story is complete now, there will be no more updates, nor more meta situations from my end.

“Sister! Sister! I have a new project!” Luna shouted merrily as she skipped through the palace halls.

The words echoed down to the court room, where Celestia cast a worried glance at her guards. One of them opened the doors a fraction and took a quick peek before closing it and nodding briefly.

“Oh, great... she’s skipping,” Celestia groaned.

“Your highness?” The current petitioner blinked in confusion.

Celestia looked back down at him and smiled. “Ah, yes Grumpy Rocks, do not worry, I will make sure that the river is questioned for the location of your missing hat.”

“Really, your highness?!” Grumpy Rocks’ eyes were wide. “You can do that?”

“Yes,” Celestia said quickly. “Yes, I can. After all, I can raise the sun, right? What is interrogating a river, compared to that?” Her eyes went up to the doors, from where a faint “Celestia!” could be heard. “So, how about you return home, and I will send someone to help as soon as possible.”

“Thank you, your highness!” Grumpy Rocks bowed deeply.

“Yes, yes, now, off you go, I must speak with my sister, important matters not for the ears of mortals and such.”

“Sister!” the doors burst open as Luna stepped in. “I have a new project!”

Celestia forced a smile as the guards escorted Grumpy Rocks out of the room. “Really, sister? That is indeed very interesting, why don’t you tell me what it is?”

“I am going to bring a human to Equestria!” Luna giggled.

If Celestia had been drinking tea, she would have spit it on her sister’s face. “W-what?! Luna, why in the name of whatever it is we would worship if we did worship anything at all would you want to do that?!”

“Because,” Luna’s eyes glinted. “I want to answer the question that has plagued them for so long!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow, intrigued despite her reservations. “And that is?”

“‘Can a human function in Equestrian Society?’” Luna cited, her smile growing. “Can you imagine it?! We could help them find peace and the meaning of friendship and harmony! We could learn about their technology we could-”

“Luna!” Celestia interrupted. “Calm down. Focus.” She raised her hoof when Luna was about to speak again. “Ah, ah! Deep breath! One more. Good. Now, slowly, how do you intend to do this?”

“I am going to capture a human soul that has left its body recently, then we will create a new body for it and-”

“A... human body?” Celestia interrupted.

“Why, yes!” Luna nodded. “Why would we turn the human into a pony if we want to know it works?”

“I see,” Celestia said, nodding once. “Continue, please.”

“We will assign the human a mission to complete that requires not only the power of friendship and harmony, but as well the human gift for invention. If the human succeeds, then we will have our answer and a way to establish peace with their society.”

“So, what type of human should we bring here? A soldier, perhaps?” Celestia mused, warming up to the idea. “They are resourceful, creative, loyal, brave-”

“Oh, no...” Luna shook her head. “Soldiers are a definite no-no. Are you seriously considering grabbing a stressful human who has just been killed in a war and doesn’t know it and drag it to Equestria where everything is nice, charming, pastel-colored and inhabited by sentient creatures that should not exist and expect it to not think it’s gone mad from combat stress? The most likely result is that it kills every pony in the vicinity before we have to send the royal guard to subdue him. It’s a completely silly and utterly ridiculous idea.”

Celestia’s eyebrows had shot up when Luna interrupted her. “You raise good points, sister. You have been given some thought to this.”

“I have,” Luna agreed. “And I have narrowed it down to either a brony or an average human.”

Celestia hummed a bit as she thought. “I can see the advantage to both, an average human would give us a more reliable answer...”

“... but a brony would be willing to try from the beginning and would be able to identify ponies to help it succeed,” Luna completed. “The problem is that it couldn’t be any brony. It has to be somepony that would not simply glomp Twilight and try to mount her.”

Celestia shook her head. “Don’t all bronies want to do that?”

“Oh, no, sister, there are quite a few who simply want to live here among us, or see us as a form of distant entertainment with no interest in being here.” Luna assured. “I have a few candidates and I know one who is about to die soon.”

Celestia sighed. “Luna, what did you do?”

Luna giggled. “I poisoned his soup!”

“LUNA!”

“Oh, don’t worry, sister, we can return him afterwards and he should be fine,” Luna said, waving her hoof. “So, are you willing to give it a try?”

Celestia shook her head. “You already poisoned him. Go on.”

EARTH:

“... and that's why if you use the Groups, correct grammar, and the tag-system correctly, you can achieve inner peace.” Wanderer D said aloud as he typed down the last sentence of his latest guide.

He scrolled up and re-read what he had written. “Hm... not enough sarcasm here... ugh... should I really leave the author's name on this? Meh, if they were ballsy enough to send that stuff they can own up to it being used as an example.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Oh well, time to publish this.”

The lights flashed as he pressed the 'enter' key; the world flashing before his eyes into maelstrom of blue lightning. And then he died.

The world changed into a vortex of energy and suddenly he was looking at two huge continents. One white with a wavy nebulae of rainbows around it, extending up and up. The other, covered in stars, huge beyond comprehension.

And then they spoke.

“Wanderer D,” said the white continent. Mountains moved and he slowly realized that he wasn't talking to continents. It was a pair of huge, tremendously huge, creatures. “You have died.”

“What?!” Wanderer D asked, eyes widening in horror. “But... how? I was just typing on my laptop!”

“I poisoned your soup,” the dark continental creature said.

“But... I can still be saved!”

“No,” the white creature said. “When you fell onto your laptop it exploded, driving the hard-drive into your heart.”

“Oops!” The dark one giggled nervously.

“So... I'm a cyborg now?” Wanderer D asked after a moment.

“No, you died. To be a cyborg you would need to be alive,” the white one corrected.

“Oh,” Wanderer D sighed, not knowing whether to be disappointed or not. “So... I'm dead, huh?”

“Yes,” the dark one said. “And now-”

“Wait! Hold on, what happens to all my stuff now that I'm dead? I have a bunch of stuff on my computer and external hard-drives that I do NOT want people to find.”

Humongous eyes seemed to roll. “Wanderer D, you are dead,” their owner, the white large-beyond-belief creature pointed out. “Those matters do not concern you any more.”

Wanderer sighed. “I guess, but... what are you? You’re huge!”

There was a pause.

“Sister,” the white one said. “Why can he not see us correctly?”

“Oh...” the dark one paused. “Since he’s inside a bottle, his perception is a bit distorted.”

“So, what now?” Wanderer asked after a moment of awkward silence. “Uh, I figured either Death would be here to greet me, or Bast, or if not them at least one of the deities that I have annoyed at some point or another.”

“What makes you think you have annoyed them?” The white creature asked.

“Well... there was that one time where I wrote an RPG where we summoned Thoth just for the purpose of sending him to get pizza...”

“Wanderer, the gods have better things to do than get annoyed at your silly writings,” the dark one said. “And both Bast and Death would have been here had we not... asked them for some time with you.”

“Well,” Wanderer D blushed. “Why, I... thank you, I guess, not that I don't find you both, uh, attractive for continent-sized entities, but-”

“Not for that, you moron!” the dark one snapped. “And we are not continent-sized entities! Your soul is inside a-”

“We are here because you call yourself a brony, living by the code set forth by Twilight Sparkle and her friends to your world; the code of Love and Tolerance,” the white one interrupted.

Wanderer D drew himself up, looking out proudly. “Yes, I am a brony and damned proud of the little girl cartoons I watch and write fan fiction of.”

“Yes... fan fiction. That is what we are here to talk to you about. It has come to our attention, due to the sheer number of readers your... 'guides'... get that you don't seem to be very tolerating of aspiring authors.”

“Well,” Wanderer coughed. “I tolerate them enough to publish what they like to call stories...”

“And there you go again,” the white one's voice became motherly. “Wanderer D, you might publish their work because you have to, but do you really tolerate it when you make fun of it and their creative problems on your guides?”

“... well it's hard to tolerate when they-”

“Wanderer,” the white one said again.

“Fine. So what do you want me to do about it? I'm dead.”

“We shall let you learn the true meaning of Loving and Tolerating...” the dark one announced. “We will let you learn... from the ponies themselves.”

“Wait... I'm going to be a HiE?!” Wanderer D asked in disbelief. “Have you no shame? No sense of decency? There are few things that could be lower than that! What's this going to be like? Am I going to even get there on the first chapter, or am I going to be just like 99% of the stuff that gets sent and 'dramatically' be put on hold?”

“Are you saying that you would not go to Equestria given half the chance?” the white one asked, voice tinged with amusement.

“Well- no, I mean, yes. Yes, I would but no- I... why do you ask me the hard questions!?”

“Because somepony should,” the dark one said. “You shall be granted a body and given a mission.”

“Do I get a say in this?”

“No,” the dark one stated. “You don't. Be glad, human, that we have decided to give you this chance.”

“But.. can I at least chose the time when I get sent there?”

There was a pause. “Do you have something in mind?”

“Well, I'd like to ask Nightmare Moon out, she's hot!” Wanderer D said, grinning like an idiot. “And if I'm a pony, that means we're compatible! Give me some time with her and the one-night will last... forever!”

The dark figure started making strange noises while the white one chuckled. “I'm afraid not, Wanderer D. We shall put you at an indeterminate moment in the timeline, to avoid problems with foreknowledge and other details... and you are going to be a human.”

“Fine, you're the ones throwing me into this.” Wanderer D sighed and banged his ethereal head against the glass of his bottle.

There was a sound not unlike that of a cork being pulled from loose from a bottle and suddenly Wanderer D was in a body identical to his own. “Hey, nice clothes... if, kinda obvious,” he said looking at the black trenchcoat, jeans, red t-shirt and boots he was wearing. He felt something hard on his back and looked over his shoulder for a brief second before looking at Luna. “A katana?”

Luna blinked. “Isn’t it standard wear for human travelers? So many fan fiction stories have humans writing themselves with a katana of some sort that I thought-”

“You know what, that is just terribly cliched and most of the moro-”

“Wanderer...” Celestia warned.

Wanderer D cleared his throat. “... I mean... authors... who write them in with their characters don’t even know how to hold it...”

“But you do,” Luna stated.

Wanderer D took the katana off. “Look, seriously, I’m offended with the whole HiE thing already. I’m not walking around Ponyville with a katana strapped to my back.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine. I happen to like katanas.” Her horn flashed and the sword was strapped to her back.

“Why am I not surprised?” Wanderer D muttered. “Anyway, so, what am I supposed to do?”

Celestia and Luna exchanged glances. “Your mission,” Celestia said at length, “Is to befriend... and I MEAN befriend... 5 ponies and help each of them with a problem. And Twilight and her friends do not count.”

Wanderer D nodded. “Right. Befriend five ponies. Help them with their lives. Ignore/don’t count mane 6. Got it. Except...”

“Yes?” Luna sighed.

“What is the point of all of this?” Wanderer D asked. “I mean, there is a point, right?”

“Of course there is a point!” Luna retorted, looking offended. “Are you saying that you don’t believe I have a purpose for this?!”

Wanderer D looked at Luna for a moment. Then at the katana. Then at Luna. He turned to look at Celestia, who seemed to be slightly amused. “Princess, please tell me there is a point to murdering me and dragging my flank here.”

“Flank?” Celestia raised an eyebrow.

“I’m trying to keep it politically correct since an Ass here quite literally means a sentient being,” Wanderer D elaborated.

“Ah,” Celestia said. “I see. Well, Wanderer D, I can assure you there is a point to this: we are trying to figure out if humans and ponies can co-exist.”

Wanderer D chuckled, shoulders shaking as it evolved into full-blown manic laughter, which was suddenly interrupted by a hoof to the stomach, courtesy of Princess Luna.

“Shut up, D. What do you find so funny?”

“Oh, come on, you didn’t have to kill me to know the answer to that! Just read any good sci-fi book! Read Ender’s Game! You can find out what a misunderstanding can do. Better yet, instead of killing me, you could have asked and I would have told you the answer: Nope. Humans have nothing good to bring here. The fact that we idolize it so much is because it is exactly what we cannot have and therefore cannot corrupt.”

“Well, that’s a bleak forecast,” Celestia muttered.

“I don’t believe that!” Luna said, eyes fiercely matching Wanderer D’s glare.

They held glances for a bit, until Wanderer D looked away. “Fine, let’s find out. I’ve got nothing to lose now.”

Luna winced at that. “Yeah... sorry.”

Celestia sighed. “Might as well. Are you ready, Wanderer?”

Wanderer D nodded. “Call me D, please... and sure. Let’s go!”

Celestia nodded with a slight smile. “Well then, D, where do you want to start?”

Wanderer D thought for a second. “Well, Tasslehoff always said that a drop in the lake was fun... so... just drop me on a lake close to Ponyville.”

Celestia’s horn started glowing. “Good luck, D.”

And with a flash, the world disappeared around him again...

Only to reappear around him. He had a second to look down before gravity took hold.

The lake in the middle of Ponyville’s park was the usual spot for ponies wanting to settle down for a picnic and a relaxing time. And today was no exception. Several groups had gathered to enjoy the glorious day brought forth by Celestia’s will.

And enjoy it they did, playing ball, chasing each other, sitting down and sipping tea... and it lasted until IT landed, screaming, in the lake, creating a wave of water that drenched the nearest ponies.

“What was that?!” Rose asked.

“I don’t know!” Lyra Heartstrings shouted in shock, only to be ignored.

“So- something’s coming out of the water!” another pony shouted.

Wanderer D stood up, roaring in pain and pressing his hands against his back. Algae covered his head and most of his body. Water cascaded from his form, running out of the drenched arms of the trenchcoat he was wearing.

“DAMMIT, CELESTIA! THE LAKE IS LESS THAN 4 FEET DEEP! I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED! AGAIN!”

“It’s cursing Celestia!” Another pony shouted.

“What manner of creature is that?!”

Growling and moaning in pain, Wanderer D started wading out of the lake. “Oh, I will get my revenge! Luna, this is all your fault!”

Finally, he stood, towering in front of the ponies, who were trembling and paralyzed with fear. “You!” he pointed at Rose, who cringed and lowered down fearfully. “I need a pony friend and you’re it!”

Rose’s eyes widened. She took a step back, which was matched by Wanderer D’s step forward.

“Come on!” Wanderer opened his arms, making several ponies scramble away. “It’s not that bad, I promise!”

It was then that the apple hit him in the head and knocked him back into the lake.

“Everypony! Run!” a familiar voice ordered.

Wanderer sat up in the water, angrily throwing off the algae and glaring at Applejack only to be knocked back into the water by another apple.

A stampede of ponies ran out of the park, leaving a sputtering brony and Applejack alone in the park.

Wanderer D slowly pushed himself up and had to bend back to avoid another apple. He straightened up and pointed an accusing finger at Applejack.

“YOU! WITH THE APPLES! You took away my pony friend!”

“Ah just let her escape yer claws, monster!” Applejack said firmly. “Now, y’all better head back to the Everfree an’ leave Ponyville alone!”

Wanderer D spat some algae. “Or what? You’re going to-” he was interrupted by an apple to the nose. “Ow!” he started dodging apples as he approached the increasingly annoyed mare. When he was close enough, he ducked under the apple cart and took away the stone that Applejack had placed there to keep it from rolling down the hill.

“What are y’all doin’?!” she shouted as the cart started moving down the slope.

“Getting rid of your ammo!” Wanderer D replied smugly. That was when Applejack turned around and bucked him back into the lake.

“An’ stay down!” the mare shouted as she hurried down to stop the cart.

Wanderer D coughed in pain and got on all fours at the shore of the lake, holding a hand to his chest. “Y-you bucked me!”

“Ah said to go away, an y’all didn’t!” Applejack replied, glaring at him angrily. “Now, git!”

“Or what?”

“Or we’ll send you back!” Twilight Sparkle responded, walking up to stand next to Applejack.

“Oh, just go away!” Wanderer D growled. “You and your friends don’t even count!”

“Twilight!” Applejack spoke up quickly. “Ah heard it swearin’ that it was gonna kill Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!”

Wanderer D took a step back into the lake, laughing nervously as Twilight Sparkle slowly turned to glare at him, her coat slowly starting to light up with energy as she went into full Rapidash mode.

“Aw... cr-”

The blast of magic sent him flying over the town. Ponies looked up as the strange creature sailed over, cheering as it went past them and landed in the middle of the Everfree Forest.

Wanderer D considered his approach as he almost reached LEO. He watched below him a small hut with masks and random objects, presumably Zecora’s, followed shortly by a precipice that simply continued the forest at its bottom. “Hm. Maybe pointing at Rose and ordering her to be my friend was not the best way to do this. Seemed to work for a bunch of HiEs, though. Maybe I should just use common sense?”

He watched the trees approach at an alarming speed. “Nah, common sense is overrat-mph!” he closed his eyes as he smashed through the treetops and tried to spit out the leaves that had gotten into his mouth as he desperately raised his arms to protect his face.

Clothes shredded and his arms, legs and torso were smacked hard by branches. His speed was reduced at the cost of a new bruise until, finally, he felt something snag him and felt himself stop.

After a few seconds of no more pain, he carefully opened his eyes. He was hanging from some vines, just a few feet off the ground. He eyed it critically. Yep. He almost died. Again. Wanderer D sighed and rubbed his temple. “At this rate I’ll be really dead before sundown.”

Shaking loose, he finally dropped to the forest floor in a far gentler manner than he would have otherwise experienced. Spitting out a leaf, he took a step before pausing and reaching into his trench coat. Slowly he pulled out a hard object that had become embedded in it.

“Pinecone,” he sighed. “Go figure.” Wanderer D tossed the offending pod onto the floor next to him.

“PINECONE!?” A voice suddenly shouted and out of the bushes emerged a blue blur that knocked the human back as it landed on top of the pinecone and started munching on it hungrily.

“Oh... please... just... kill me,” Wanderer D groaned, slowly disentangling himself from the thorny bush he had been pushed into. He shook his head and looked at the creature that had barreled past him. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

Trixie stopped munching on the pine cone long enough to shoot him an angry glare before she dug back in.

“A pinecone. Seriously. You have got to be kidding me. You cannot be feeding on a freaking pinecone. It’s not canon. It’s not even logical!”

Gulping down the last of the pinecone, Trixie sniffed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie needs no canon to eat her pine cone! Sweet... deliciously crunchy pine cone...” she started giggling.

Rolling his eyes, Wanderer pulled out another pinecone from his trench coat and threw it next to Trixie, who started munching on it immediately.

With a huff, he walked up to her and collapsed, spreading eagle on the floor, groaning. He ignored the crunching sounds next to him and sighed. “So what brings you to the Everfree, Trixie? Plotting revenge on Twilight?”

Trixie finished the last of her pinecone and glanced at the human. “The Great and Powerful Trixie has made the Everfree her home! She controls everything that happens in here and has grown more powerful since she arrived! The Great and Powerful-”

“You’re lost, aren’t you?” Wanderer D interrupted.

Trixie blinked, her tirade interrupted. Grumpily she sat down next to the human. “Yes,” she growled. “How did you know?”

“My life has become one long and terrible cliche. I just made the most obvious and lazy deduction since it seems to happen all the time. So... you’ve been here since when? Since the Ursa Minor incident?”

Trixie looked away and Wanderer D blinked in disbelief. “You have?!” He sat up and stared. “But... that’s been like... you were here during winter!? And Nightmare Night?!”

“The... The Great and Powerful Trixie has... a terrible sense of direction.”

Wanderer buried his face in his hands. “You’ve got to be joking. How can you survive here, on your own, for more than a year? Didn’t you ever meet Zecora?!”

“Who?”

“The zebra?”

Trixie thought for a moment. “No, Trixie cannot say she has met a zebra at the Everfree. Why would one be here anyway?”

“No one knows, but then again, since when has reason had anything to do with how things work here?” Wanderer D mused.

“Trixie has no idea,” Trixie replied after a moment.

“Anyway,” Wanderer sighed as he struggled into a sitting position. “I just flew over Ponyville, so I think I can lead you out of here... it’s a bit far, so I hope you’re up to walking.”

Trixie’s eyes shone with gratitude. “Really, creature? You would do that for Trixie?”

Wanderer D shrugged. “Eh, why not? It’s not like staying here would do either of us any good.”

As both set out to walk through the forest, Trixie kept looking at Wanderer D until he stopped and looked back.

“Okay, what’s the problem?”

“What are you, exactly? The Great and Powerful Trixie has seen many creatures in her journeys, but none as strange as you.”

“Well, I am glad to say I am strange even to my own species,” Wanderer D said. “I’m a human. And as you can see, no, we don’t look like giant, hairless monkeys. That’s just lazy writing.”

Trixie arched an eyebrow. “Trixie never said you looked like a monkey.”

“Sorry, personal grief.” Wanderer D muttered. “Anyway, you can call me ‘D’.”

“D?”

“D.”

“What kind of a name is that?”

“It isn’t, but you can still call me it.”

Trixie frowned. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“No, it doesn’t, I guess. But that doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because. At any rate, why do you care? Think of it as my stage name.”

Trixie nodded. “Ah, why didn’t you just say that? The Great and Powerful Trixie knows all there is to know about stage names, D!”

“Good,” Wanderer sighed. “Now, come on. We don’t want your sister to worry too much.”

Trixie frowned as she trotted over to catch up to him. “Sister? Trixie has no sister.”

“Chances are Twilight is,” Wanderer replied. “Which would mean you also have a brother since she suddenly had one. Oh, and if you are, then you are related to royalty.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Right. Well, then, lead the way.”

They walked in silence for a while, until Trixie finally broke it. “D... if that is your stage name, what sort of performer are you?”

Wanderer D arched an eyebrow. “Well... um, I’d be a storyteller,” he said, hesitating a little. “I tell stories about ponies doing... stuff.”

“Stuff? What sort of storyteller uses the word ‘stuff’ to describe their craft?” Trixie huffed.

“The type that knows the kind of questions that would stem out of actually telling you the whole thing. Suffice it to say that I tell stories and I happened to be in a position to allow others to tell theirs or not.”

That caught Trixie’s attention. “Oh, so you are a Master Storyteller? Were the others your apprentices?”

Wanderer D stopped. “I... yes. I did try and teach some of them how to use our... uh... system... for storytelling in an effort to help them have an easier time of it. It didn’t always work, and it backfired a couple of times.”

Trixie sighed and looked down. “Trixie knows all about backfiring. You might not believe it, but The Great and Powerful Trixie... can brag a lot.”

“No...” Wanderer D’s eyes were wide.

“Yes,” Trixie nodded sadly. “Trixie does... wait, were you being sarcastic?”

“Me? Sarcastic? Never. Perish the thought.”

Trixie growled.

“Okay, okay! I might have heard about your bragging before I actually met you.”

Trixie huffed. “Well, not all Trixie said was bragging! Trixie is indeed very good at magic!”

“I would assume so,” Wanderer D said, trying to placate Trixie a bit. “I don’t think you would have had a long career had you not been able to back up your claims to an extent.”

Trixie nodded. “That’s right! There is no need to make fun of Trixie just because of what happened! It’s not fair!” She sat down and started crying. “It’s not fair! Trixie was just doing her act! Why did those foals take it so seriously?!”

Wanderer D winced and knelt next to Trixie, carefully patting her back. “There, there, Trixie. It’s okay. Foals don’t understand about the Prestige; they thought everything was the absolute truth... you can be very convincing, you know?”

Trixie sniffed. “Trixie knows... but...”

“Look, Trixie, some simple-minded folk believe everything at face-value. There was nothing you could do to convince them otherwise. It happened because they don’t know that to keep the illusion of your... character... you need to be that character all the time.”

Trixie nodded slowly. “H-how do you know about that? Usually ponies outside of the business don’t know much about the Prestige.”

Wanderer D briefly considered telling her about the movie. “I... heard about it. I might have read a book as well.”

Taking a deep breath, Trixie stood up. “We... we should keep moving. Trixie has had enough of this forest.”

“Yeah, I bet you have.”

Trixie snorted, almost smiling, but then frown at Wanderer D. “As much as Trixie appreciates the humor and trying to cheer her up, can you stop growling?”

“What do you mean?” Wanderer looked back at her. “I’m not growling. I thought that was your stomach or something.”

They both stopped short as a particularly loud growl echoed around them.

“That... was your stomach, right?” He asked. Trixie’s look was enough of an answer. “Um... run.”

They immediately set out, running through the Everfree Forest as fast as their feet and hooves allowed them to.

Behind them, the growls evolved into howls as their pursuers made themselves known.

“Timber wolves!” Trixie shouted.

“Damn them all to hell!” Wanderer D replied.

“What do we do? They’ll gain on us soon!” Trixie asked.

“We’ll fight!” Wanderer D announced. “I have sword!”

“No, you don’t!” Trixie shouted.

Wanderer D took the katana off. “Look, seriously, I’m offended with the whole HiE thing already. I’m not walking around Ponyville with a katana strapped to my back.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine. I happen to like katanas.” Her horn flashed and the sword was strapped to her back.

Trixie blushed at the series of expletives that gave even the timber wolves pause.

“... with a broom!” Wanderer D finished.

“So, what now?” Trixie asked, starting to breathe heavily.

“Look! There’s a large precipice with a ledge just outside their reach! Can you teleport us there?!”

Trixie scoffed as her eyes looked in the direction Wanderer D was pointing. “Of course not! The Great and Power Trixie is not Princess Celestia!”

“Twilight can teleport!”

“Trixie is not Twilight either!” Trixie snapped.

“Well then, can you levitate us? Throw us there? Do something to get us out of their reach?!”

Trixie’s horn started glowing as several vines disentangled themselves from the trees and wrapped around them.

“What are you doing, Trixie!?” Wanderer D shouted in a slightly high-pitched voice when he heard the snapping sound of jaws very, very close to him.

“Trixie is...” her horn flared as the vines suddenly shot up and pulled them along. “Taking us there!”

The wolves howled in anger as the pair landed painfully on top of the ledge. Not ready to give up, the predators started to pace just below them.

Wanderer D glared down at them, trying to cow them, but it was as effective as sniffing the wall in order to climb it.

“Why are you sniffing the wall?” Trixie asked.

“Sorry, lapse in congruency,” Wanderer D replied with a sigh. “But at least I established that it really doesn’t work at all.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing, nothing.” Wanderer D looked at the precipice thoughtfully. “You know, Trixie, if we could climb up that precipice we should have a straight line to Zecora’s hut, and she would be able to guide us safely to Ponyville.”

Trixie looked up. “Trixie might be able to pull us up with more vines,” she said after a moment.

“Great! We can be on our way, then!” Wanderer nodded. “And I bet you could get some good stuff back in Ponyville.”

Trixie nodded eagerly. Soon, her horn was alight with magic and several vines whipped out of the forest and danced around Trixie as they tied together in the air.

Wanderer D looked down at the timber wolves. “Is it me, or is there less of them down there?”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “They probably got tired of waiting or went to get more wolves.”

The human nodded, and soon enough, Trixie’s enchanted vines wrapped around them both, snaked up and tied the other end to several outcropping rocks above them. After a couple of hard tugs to make sure the rocks would hold their weight, the pair was slowly pulled up.

“You’re really, really good with ropes, Trixie,” Wanderer D commented, looking idly down at the increasingly distant ground.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has many fun and amazing tricks with ropes!” Trixie flaunted.

Wanderer D tried to keep his thoughts clean. “Oh, look, we’re almost there!” he chuckled nervously.

Soon the vines pulled them as far as they could, and the pair had to pull themselves up the last couple of feet.

Wanderer D was up first and turned to help Trixie up. Once the two of them were safely on top of the precipice, they glanced down at the distant timber wolves.

“We made it!” Trixie cheered, bouncing about until another growl stopped her.

Wanderer D glared at the huge timber wolf that stood between them and freedom. “It must have gone up another way,” he grunted. “Clever girl.”

“W-what do we do?” Trixie asked, looking back to the precipice, then to the timber wolf as another pair walked out of the woods.

Wanderer D sighed. “There’s only one thing to do...” he turned and grabbed Trixie’s head, planting a kiss on her mouth and milking it for all he could before letting her drop to the ground, confused and with a silly smile on her face. “Eat that, Seth,” Wanderer D smirked as he drew himself up.

Trixie shook her head and glared at him. “How dare you-”

“When I say run... run past them and head straight until you either get out or see Zecora’s hut. Don’t look back.”

Trixie blinked. “Wait... what are you intending to-”

“Run!” Wanderer D shouted, rushing forward and tackling the large timber wolf. The other two immediately jumped in, just as he managed to hold it against his body with one arm and lifting it up just enough to catch the second one with his free arm. The third landed hard on top of him, making him stumble back and fall, still grabbing the two wolves, who tried to shake loose as the third one jumped up again.

“Trixie!” Wanderer D shouted, seeing the paralyzed mare. “Run! The others might come around any minute now!”

It was then that the third wolf landed on top of him, but it had miscalculated. Wanderer had dragged the two timber wolves with him to the edge of the precipice, and leaned back, providing no resistance to the wolf’s push.

With a yelp, it followed the human and the other two wolves down the precipice.

Trixie stood there for a moment, her eyes watering and her body trembling. She took a hesitant step towards the edge, but heard the howls of approaching wolves.

Taking a few steps back, she turned around and ran into the forest.

CRUNCH-SPLAT!

Wanderer D looked up at the continental dark creature. “Hey Luna, guess that didn’t work as expected?”

The humongous eyes rolled. “Of course not, you dimwit. You got killed.”

“But I saved Trixie!” Wanderer D argued, then hesitated. “I... I did save her, right?”

“Yes, you did,” Luna sighed. “Zecora heard the wolves and was paying attention and was able to help Trixie before she plunged straight into the bog. Which is where you two were going.”

“Aha,” Wanderer D chuckled nervously.

“But you ruined my experiment! I couldn’t find out if you could even make a friend!” Luna whined, and the view around her shifted as she placed the bottle containing Wanderer D’s soul on top of a table.

“Hey, it was fated to fail anyway,” Wanderer D shrugged. “What did you expect to happen when you drop a human just like that in a village of Little Ponies? They probably thought Cerberus had fallen asleep and I had crawled out of Hades.”

“Hmm,” Luna tapped her chin. “I see your point. A human is too obvious. We have to be more subtle.”

Wanderer D nodded then stopped. “Wait, what do you mean ‘we’?”

Luna arched an eyebrow. “Do you want to be a pony?”

Wanderer D opened his mouth to retort a scathing ‘no!’ but instead found himself saying. “Omg! OMG! I Getz to be a pony?! YES!” he shook his head. “I mean... uh... sure. But! I don’t want anything fancy!”

Luna snorted. “As if I would trust you with either wings or a horn. You get to be an Earth Pony.”

Wanderer D nodded. “That’s right, an Earth Pony will do. Nothing ostentatious, no OP, no annoying delusions of grandeur.”

“Well then, if we are done...” Luna’s horn started glowing.

“Wait!”

She looked at the bottle. “What?”

“Um... can- can I get the katana back?”

Luna arched an eyebrow. “I thought you didn’t like them because-”

“I know what I said!” Wanderer D snapped. “And I also know that if I had had a weapon of some sort I might not have died! So, gimme!”

Luna chuckled. “Fine, you get the katana. Now, prepare yourself!” Her horn glowed again and white light enveloped Wanderer D’s world.

Next, in WD: The HiE Experiment

“You... you really have a pool in here?!”

“I’m quite sure that was not supposed to be open.”

“ROAR!” “That... can’t be good.”

“Don’t worry! I have a katana!”