“Almost…got it…!”

ZZZAP!

“YOWCH!”

Twilight sucked on her stinging hoof, glaring at the mirror and plotting various strategies for punishing its insubordination without actually breaking it. From the other side of the room, Fluttershy called, “Are you okay, Twilight?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Twilight muttered, accepting a numbing patch from Spike and rubbing it on her hoof. In all honesty, she didn’t feel fine. This was as bad as the time she’d tried to test out Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense – worse, actually, because that time, she hadn’t gotten any readings, forcing her to give up the whole thing up as impossible to explain or unravel. In this case, she knew it was possible, she had the equations, even the base technology and spellwork already existed! “By all accounts, this should have been working at least 47 minutes ago!” she complained, thumping her Dimensional Cross-Particle Energy Reader with a hoof. It blurped and fizzled and went right back to insisting that the foreign energy particles left behind by River were still in the area.

It wasn’t enough, though. But if she had River here…that had to be the answer! “Fluttershy, Spike, I think we should go help the girls find River,” Twilight announced, already trotting towards the door. Which put her exactly in position to be bowled over when Pinkie Pie careened into the room. Fluttershy and Spike flinched as the purple and pink ball of ponies smacked into the worktable.

“Whoop! Sorry, Twilight!” Pinkie giggled from the bottom of the pile-up. Twilight groaned and extricated herself, rolling off so that Pinkie could pop back to her hooves. Before Twilight could decide whether to scold Pinkie for the crash or ask for an update on the search, a blue rectangle booped her on the nose. “Lookie what we found!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Doc used his machiney thing that’s like yours to track down River, only it found this doodad instead! They’re still out searching, but Doc thinks it’s important to the whole,” her voice dropped to a ridiculous bass as she attempted air quotes with her hooves, “‘impregnable barriers between worlds’ problem he said we’re having!”

Half of that didn’t make sense to Twilight, but that was Pinkie for you. And besides, Twilight was so focused on the blue rectangular box thing that she’d stopped paying attention to Pinkie halfway through the spiel. “Wait, is it possible…?” The purple unicorn telekinetically grabbed her Energy Reader and immediately scanned it over the blue device.

The blaring alarm signal went off instantly, but it wasn’t loud enough to cover Twilight’s whoop of delight.

“This is perfect!” Twilight literally flew over to the mirror, rearranging some wires around the part of the device that normally held the magical journal used to link to Canterlot High. “This could solve our problem!”

Spike stared up at her in complete confusion, plugging his ear holes with his claws. “WHAT?”

“Oh, right.” Twilight absently bapped the Energy Reader’s console, killing the alarm. She beamed down at Spike, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy (not to mention several of Fluttershy’s animal companions) from her hovering position above the machine. The blue rectangle sat in her hooves. “I had a possible theory that, because River has been turned into a pony, the atomic particles within her cellular structure might be altered, and that’s why I couldn’t make the portal when she was with us earlier. But this,” she gestured at the device, “is covered with foreign energy particles, even moreso than River was. It must be something she brought through with her, unaltered thanks to its inorganic state. If I can use it as a source in the same way we use the journal to reach Canterlot High, it should get us through!” And with that, she placed the strange blue box into the device and dropped down to the main control panel.

“Are you sure it’s safe to just…plug it in like that?” Spike asked carefully. He was starting to experience unpleasant flashbacks from the last few times Twilight got excited and rushed into an experiment.

Twilight blew a dismissive raspberry, her hoof already touching the “ON” switch. “Don’t be such a worrywart, Spike. I know exactly what I’m doing. Get ready to see a new portal to an alternate universe, everypony!”

She tipped the lever forward, and the machine hummed to life. Magic crackled around the machine, welling up to its peak and enveloping the blue rectangle. It hovered in a glow of power as the humming grew, and then the mirror began to glow, its surface image shifting and sliding and slowly solidifying into—

Everything shut off with a POP!, magic sparking away and dying and the blue rectangle dropping back down the few inches it had risen. Everypony (and Spike) stared in confusion at the silent machine. “Well…that was anticlimactic,” Spike said with a scratch to his backspines.

“Did anypony else see something yellow and furry in there for a second?” Fluttershy asked quietly. A fluffy gray critter on her shoulder made a worried barking noise and hid in her mane.

Twilight glared up at the machine, a scowl furrowing her brow. But then the corner of her mouth began to tip up. “We’re onto something now.” She turned a determined smile on her friends. “Did you see that? It almost worked! We’re on the right track!” The Princess held her hoof out to Spike, eyes back on the troublesome machine. “Spike, hand me my magic tachometer. It’s time we crack this quantum magical quandary wide open!”

----

“Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of—whoop whoa!”

River desperately swiped a hoof at her phone as the shaky levitation magic she’d been practicing gave out in a sputter of silver. She missed, wincing as the phone hit the ground. Sweetie Belle clapped. “It’s okay, that was a lot better!” the white filly said enthusiastically, fully enjoying her role as magic tutor. “And you didn’t flash anypony in the face that time!”

River gave an embarrassed laugh. They’d been walking for ten or fifteen minutes, following the meandering dashed line. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were out in front, noses to the glowing line like a pair of bloodhounds, so now seemed as good a time as any for the secretly-a-human member of the party to practice her newly-discovered unicorn magic. “Thank goodness for small favors!” River leaned down and plucked her phone off the ground. “Leshee i’ ah ca’ ‘eep i’ uh longah!” Considering that she still hadn’t solved the mystery of how these ponies carried things while walking without the use of hooves, mouths, or magic, levitation had seemed the most practical place to start. Sweetie Belle gently enveloped the phone in green, levitating it back into the air so that River could try again.

All things considered, River felt the best she had since waking up that morning. A little guilt still niggled about not reporting back to Twilight, but the magic practice helped drive it to the back of her mind and boost her mood. More importantly, the clearly roundabout route Discord was leading them on gave her some much-needed time to slow down – and think. And boy, did she have a doozy of a conundrum to think about.

I’m a pony. Okay, that had been the first big surprise, but it was a small one compared to the big whopper that begged for attention. Silver magic sputtered on her horn as River tried again to take her phone from Sweetie Belle. A pony in a fictional universe, supposedly created by someone in MY universe. Everything here feels so real, though. Leaves crackled underhoof and a pleasant breeze rustled the trees. The scent of honeysuckle filled her nose. And I’m pretty aware I could be crazy, which is supposed to be a good sign you aren’t yet. So, fictional universe has real counterpart. How is that even possible? This question again; no matter how many times she went over it; no solid answer presented itself.

Let’s break down the options. Option One: all of this is entirely in someone’s head. Which would mean I’m fictional, too. No, that couldn’t be it, not when she could remember a billion things about her life so clearly. She mostly dismissed this theory but held it in tentative reserve. Option 2: When someone came up with this idea, a corresponding reality opened up, and when that person writes stuff, it happens here for real. That would certainly fit the most popular writer conspiracy theories from the internet. But River didn’t like it, either, and not just for the whole worry over whether or not her own stories were hurting real people.

The black unicorn looked down at her miniature tutor, deciding to try out an idea. “Hey, Sweetie Belle? Do your parents live around here?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, on Phoenix Wood Way. It’s over near the other side of town,” Sweetie Belle answered absently. Most of her attention stayed focused on keeping the phone levitated; River wasn’t the only one benefiting from a little practice. “Why do you ask?”

“I was just curious: do you stay with them, or with your sister Rarity? I know you spend a lot of time with her…” Yeah, that didn’t sound stalkerish at all.

The pale filly paused then, looking surprised. “Of course I live with my parents! Pff, who would want to live with their sister all the time?” she added with an eyeroll.

“Hey!” Apple Bloom shouted back at them.

Sweetie Belle ignored her, already occupied trying to walk and talk and use magic at the same time. “Rarity lets me sleep over a few times a month, though! She’s got a really nice guest bedroom. Sometimes she’ll even let all of us have a slumber party! We tried that once at my house, but Mom banned slumber parties after that because she ‘didn’t need that kind of stress.’”

This caused River’s ears to perk. She leaned down to Sweetie Belle, unable to keep the eagerness off her face. “Really? What happened? Um,” she coughed, “if you don’t mind, I mean.”

Suddenly all three girls were very interested in the conversation; Apple Bloom and Scootaloo jogged backwards to walk even with them, their faces practically splitting with grins. “Oh man, you’re going to tell her about that?” Scootaloo asked, giggling. “Your mom was so mad at us!”

Apple Bloom cut in, her red tail bouncing with every step. “She wouldn’t-a been if her dumb cat didn’t tip the paint bucket. We was doin’ a good job!”

“Mom’d been saying for weeks that she didn’t like the color of the kitchen anymore,” Sweetie Belle explained, glancing sheepishly up at River. River, for her part, was listening with keen interest. “I was waiting for the girls to show up when I heard her talking about it again, and we were bored, so we thought, y’know…maybe we could be Cutie Mark Crusader Kitchen Painters! I mean, she even had the paint already…”

“We were real careful, too!” Apple Bloom said defensively. “We got the whole first wall done without hardly any splatters you could actually see real well. Then Pearl walked in and started yowling at us like we’d ruined her house by changin’ the wall color.” She snorted. “That cat’s as bad as Rarity’s. No offense, Sweetie Belle.”

“None taken.” Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “Opal’s one of her kittens. So anyway, Pearl starts yowling, and then I yelled at her, and Scootaloo lost her balance and fell off the ladder, and that spooked Pearl, and the next thing you know, Mom’s walking through the door to see paint all over the floor and the kitchen table.”

“And the stove,” Apple Bloom added. “And the cabinets.”

“And the ceiling,” Scootaloo finished.

“How,” River asked slowly, every word dripping with morbid fascination, “on earth…did you manage to get a whole wall painted before your mom noticed?”

“Oh, she was out of the house for part of it,” Sweetie Belle explained, completely unfazed. “I think she was taking Dad something for dinner? He was working late at the sports center.”

“Wait, what?” River stopped short, her face going weird. “Sports center? Ponyville has a sports center?”

If it were possible for a pony to double in size out of sheer pride, Sweetie Belle might have managed it. “Yup! The Ponyville Recreation Center! It’s not as big as the ones in Canterlot, but Dad puts a lot of work into it, and everypony likes to play there! There’s gymnastics stuff, skate ramps, a pool, even a field out back for hoofball! I’m really good on the balance beams,” she added modestly.

“The ramps are the coolest,” Scootaloo added, wings buzzing as she pretended to ride her scooter. “I’ve still got the record for longest rim grind on my scooter! Your dad said I oughta try out for the Young X-Games Competition this year!”

“Too bad we already found out our cutie marks,” Apple Bloom laughed. “Maybe your talent shoulda been for extreme sports!”

There was a thoughtful pause while everypony considered this.

“Speaking of finding things, when are we going to get there?” Scootaloo stared irritably at the dashed line, which trailed down the hill they were on and climbed up another one in the distance. The orange pegasus groaned. “I figured Discord’d put some goofy traps in our way or something. This is getting boring.”

“Aw, he’s probably savin’ the best stuff fer later,” Apple Bloom assured her. “Ah got a little lost when we went through those trees, but Ah think we’re headin’ fer mah family’s farm.” The yellow earth pony looked up at River Babble. “Miss River? D’ya mind if me ‘n Scootaloo run ahead an’ see where we’re goin’?”

Several unanswered and extremely tantalizing questions still begged to be asked (not the least of which being the details on exactly how Sweetie Belle’s mom reacted to her newly-redecorated kitchen), but River bit her tongue. Perhaps it was best to let it go for now. “Sure, go ahead. Report back in a few minutes, though!” she added worriedly, her auntly instincts kicking in as two of the kids who were sorta-kinda under her protection at the moment raced away. Sweetie Belle, clearly happy that her new adult pony friend hadn’t asked for the rest of the slumber party story, began offering more advice on River’s magic technique.

River didn’t hear, though. Her thoughts were boarding an earlier train.

Okay, so what have I learned about Option 2? While it wasn’t impossible that Lauren Faust or whoever was in charge now at Hasbro could have thought up this cute botched slumber party story, the sheer out-of-nowhere detail struck River as suspicious. It fit with other oddly specific tidbits she’d picked up from the girls during their short acquaintance – details that didn’t appear in any MLP licensed material. Sweetie Belle’s dad working at a popular in-town sports center that had never been mentioned. Scootaloo liking asparagus with chocolate sauce and hating spiders. Apple Bloom chipping a tooth at age three and going with her parents to see a special unicorn dentist in Canterlot to fix it. (That had been a very interesting and completely out of nowhere conversation.)

Surely no writer could imagine everything that’s ever happened in every character’s life, right? River reasoned, staring into the distance in deep concentration. She didn’t even notice the growing glow of silver magic around her horn in her distraction. All these random events with life-like details suggest they do have their own complex lives apart from what some writer thinks up. But then again, Sweetie Belle was the one to bring up the subject of slumber parties in the first place, so could it all be a preprogrammed response, or—?

This circular logic was hurting her brain. River shook her head like a dog shedding water, trying to clear out the fuzzy feeling between her ears. Sweetie Belle suddenly let out a surprised yelp. A silvery glowing something whizzed past River’s peripheral vision, and she looked around just in time to see her phone go sailing into the trees, trailing magic like a comet.

A moment of deep, embarrassed silence passed. River cleared her throat and glanced down at Sweetie Belle, who stood watching her with one eyebrow raised. “Did I do that?” A nod. River sighed. Great. I’m a magical savant when I’m paying absolutely no attention whatsoever. Figures. “Oookay… Don’t suppose I could ask you for that locator spell you mentioned earlier?”

The trees weren’t thick, and neither was the underbrush; sunlight shone easily through the leaves overhead. Still, as they stepped off of the path, Sweetie Belle in the lead with her horn pinging like a metal detector, something made the hair on the back of River’s neck prickle. Her blue eyes darted around, staring intently into the bushes. And what was that ripping sound? What even, River, calm down. This is Equestria, the land of peace and harmony. The human-turned-unicorn considered this for a moment, then stepped closer to Sweetie Belle, still bristling. Also the land of random magical monsters. Yeah, guard being up may not be a bad thing.

“Found it!”

Sweetie Belle pawed away some leaves to reveal River’s iPhone, blessedly undamaged in its black shell casing. Relief briefly drowned out River’s paranoia, and she grabbed the phone in her mouth, more than ready to get away from this tree patch and the creeps it was giving her. “Grea’ jogh, Shweedie Be’l! Lesh cash u’ wi’ ‘e othersh—”

A startled gasp made her jump about a foot in the air, only the phone in her mouth keeping her from yelling. She spun to see Sweetie Belle waving a hoof frantically for silence, crouching in the underbrush. River crouched down next to the filly and looked to where she pointed.

Something squat and somewhat triangular stood about ten yards away. It was a little smaller than an adult pony, and pretty simple in shape: a large mushroom cap formed the head, supported by a comically small, cream-colored torso and two round, brown feet. As it turned partway towards them, River thought maybe she saw large, white eyes…and fangs. She blinked as it turned away again, feeling the strangest sense of déjà vu. “What is that? Is it dangerous?” River whispered, scooting closer to Sweetie Belle.

The filly shook her head. “I don’t know! All kinds of weird monsters live in the Everfree Forest. It must be from there, because I know it’s not any animal I’ve ever seen.” She chewed her lip for a second, never taking her green eyes off of it. “They don’t usually come so far out of the Everfree, though. What do we do?”

It took a few seconds for River’s brain to register the fact that Sweetie Belle was asking her to be the authority figure in this situation. There are so many reasons why that is a terrible idea, she thought, resisting the urge to giggle hysterically. But, clearing her throat (quietly), River tried to forget she was facing an unknown monster and just think along the lines of what any responsible adult would do. “Okay…it might not be dangerous, but let’s not risk it. We’ll wait until it walks further away and then make a run for it. Those short legs probably can’t move really fast. If it sees us…well, just stay behind me.” She still couldn’t quite shake the sense that she’d seen this creature before. Must have been in one of the older episodes.

To the surprise of human and pony alike, the whatever-it-was turned as soon as River finished whispering, and trundled off back in the direction the ponies had come from. The two unicorns waited until it was out of sight before bolting to their feet and dashing off down the path to catch up with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, laughing with relief at their close encounter.

Am I crazy? River thought as they topped the next hill and saw the other girls running back to meet them. Or did that thing look just like a Goomba?

-----

“You sure this thing is takin’ us to the right place, Doc?” Applejack asked for the seventh time.

Doctor Time Turner huffed and muttered to himself, eyes fixed on his device. The three mares behind him stopped while he fiddled with the confounded machinery in his hooves. “I’m afraid Applejack has a point, Doctor,” Rarity put in, ever the socially polite one. She gestured her pale hoof towards the Castle of Friendship not too far away. “We seem to be heading towards Twilight’s castle again, but earlier you had us moving towards the pond, and then Sweet Apple Acres. Not to mention our trip through,” and here she shuddered slightly, “Froggy Bottom Bog. Our trail seems to be turning in on itself quite a bit.”

Finally, Doc gave his head a hard shake, as if to dislodge some of the mathematical equations overloading his brain. “My deepest apologies for the delay in our search, ladies, but I cannot explain the quandary we are facing. The source we detected earlier is still the primary focal point of my micro-fluctuation detector, but the directional configuration mechanism is continually being sidetracked by superfluous energy spikes—” And before anypony could ask him to explain all of that in common Equestrian, the gadget in his hoof beeped again. Doc immediately turned and raced down a side street. “Wait, this is the strongest secondary signal we’ve encountered yet! I must see what’s causing it!”

The girls all gave each other resigned looks, and took off after him. It had been over an hour since they’d left the castle and Doc had joined their party, and still no sign of the peculiar black unicorn. Or the Cutie Mark Crusaders, for that matter. “We sure that followin’ this ‘un is the best idea?” Applejack whispered to Rarity.

Rarity shrugged. “It was your idea first, Applejack. Do you think we’d be better off returning to Twilight?”

Applejack chewed her lip, peering up at the sky from under the brim of her hat. “Ah’d sure hate to trouble ‘er so soon, especially if we got until this evenin’. Let’s see what the Doc finds first; them gizmos he’s usin’ have gotta be gettin’ us somewhere.”

The last word left her mouth as they rounded the corner, which was just as well, since it was at that exact moment that Roseluck rounded it from the opposite direction and almost caused a pileup on the sidewalk. Rarity managed to dance out of the collision, while Rainbow Dash swooped down to help Roseluck stay on her feet. The red-maned pony’s eyes widened when she saw who she had almost crashed into. “Oh, Applejack, perfect! I was just coming to look for you! Come on, we need your help!” And then she grabbed Applejack’s hoof and dragged her away before anypony could voice a question or protest.

The reason for Roseluck’s concern became obvious as soon as the four mares exited the alley onto one of Ponyville’s major roads. Something was blocking the street, causing a traffic jam of three or four carts coming from both directions. Onlookers gathered, calling to each other and staring at the obstruction. Applejack’s eyes widened as she realized what she was looking at: the single most massive cow she had ever seen. It, or rather she, stood as tall as the roofline on some of the single-story houses, all white and black-spotted beefy bulk, with a peculiar mop of blonde hair on top of her head. (That was also strange; Applejack had worked with the local cow herds all her life, and had yet to run into one with a mane.) Despite all the attention, the cow stood placidly in the road, chewing her cud and staring off into the distance.

Everypony looked to Applejack, she being their primary expert on pony/cow relations, and that was when the farm pony realized why Roseluck had been sent to find her. She grimaced, holding in a sigh of frustration. Might as well clear up this mess while we’re waitin’ fer Doc to come back from huntin’ his micro-quander-nomalies. Tipping her hat back on her head, the orange earth pony approached the cow with the friendliest smile she could muster. “Howdy, ma’am. Ma name's Applejack, and I welcome ya to our town. What brings ya to Ponyville?”

No response. The cow continued staring vacantly, ears flicking. Applejack cleared her throat uncomfortably. “We shore are happy to have visitors, Mrs. Cow, but Ah’m afraid ye’r blockin’ the road a bit.” This time Applejack was grateful for a lack of response. Female cows could be strangely sensitive about their weight. “Wouldja be so kind as t’let me show ya to the local pastures? We got a right friendly cow community ‘round here who’d be happy to have ya visitin'.”

Blank expression. Chewing cud. The cow turned slightly and snuffled along the ground, as if looking for grass to feed.

Impatience streaked through Applejack’s veins, and she wished strongly for Winona to be here. This was the unfriendliest cow she’d ever run into! Apple Bloom was out there, maybe in danger, and Applejack didn’t have time for mollycoddling a big bovine who didn’t appear to have a brain in her head. “Alright, ma’am, I don’t wanna take a hard line with you, but if’n you ain’t gonna be polite, we’ll have to take firmer measures. Ponyville has a right fine reputation for hospitality to any critter, but ye’re blockin’ the road!”

The cow chewed some more, then lowed deeply enough to shiver nearby window shutters. Then she turned towards an alleyway, her back to Applejack.

Frustration cut through the last of Applejack’s patience and manners, and throwing all decorum aside, she marched up to the cow and leaned a shoulder against its backside. “Come on, now! Git a move on!”

She almost fell on her face as the cow took an unexpected few steps forward, moving its bulk out from under the pony’s weight. An idea occurred to the earth pony, and Applejack steadied herself and pushed again. A thrill went through her as the cow continued to move.

“Come on, ya’ll!” Applejack called, waving at Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Roseluck. “Help me give ‘er a push!” Rainbow Dash swooped heroically to the rescue, shoving at the base of the cow’s tail, while Roseluck joined Applejack in pushing on the other leg. Rarity grimaced and daintily touched a hoof to the cow’s thigh. The cow kept walking forward, and a cheer went up from the traffic jam as carts found room to move through the opening space before them. Applejack called instructions up to Rainbow Dash as they moved deeper into the alley. “We gotta get ‘er to another road that leads outta town, so holler when ya see one big enough ta’—”

Suddenly the weight they’d all been pushing on was gone. Applejack and Rose did fall this time, sending up clouds of alley dirt with a group, “OOF!” Applejack clambered to her feet, yelling up at the blue pegasus overhead. “Consarnit, Rainbow, why didn’t ya call out—”

The slack-jawed look on Rainbow Dash’s face caught her eye just before the orange mare looked fully in the direction the cow had been moving. A wavering, vertical line hung in the air, pulsing in and out, with a blonde-tipped cow tail disappearing through it. It was there for less than a second – hardly enough time for any of the ponies to grasp what they were seeing – before it closed with a POP! A few tiny strands of snipped blonde hair floated to the ground, the only evidence remaining of the massive cow.

The Elements of Honesty, Loyalty, and Generosity (and one very confused red-head) collectively stared at each other as an uneasy silence settled over the alley. “You don’t think—” Rainbow Dash managed.

“I think,” Rarity said, staring at the empty point in space with wide blue eyes, “that we need to locate Doctor Turner post haste.”

----

The Cutie Mark Crusaders +1 crested the final hill, and let out a group cheer as Sweet Apple Acres came into view. “Ah knew we were headin’ fer home!” Apple Bloom yelled. She took off down the hill, skipping across the white dashes of the magical line. “Come on, I can’t wait to see what Discord’s doin’ next!”

“I thought for sure we were heading towards the Everfree Forest for a while there,” Scootaloo mentioned as she and Sweetie Belle raced after their friend. Sweetie Belle shrugged.

River stayed behind the trio, marveling as they pelted through one of the show’s most iconic settings. There was the red two-story barn ahead, much bigger and more well-crafted than one could tell from the other side of a television screen. The apples on the trees had the same oddly bright sheen as everything else in this colorful universe, but up close and filling the air with apple-sweet scent, they were real enough to make her mouth water. Dang, have I even eaten today? The sudden reminder made her stomach growl. She almost ran off the path when the kids made a sharp turn, but she skidded back on course and raced to catch up as they approached the house.

A familiar apple-green mare with her white mane in a bob sat in a rocker on the front porch, and she looked up as they approached. “Howdy, Apple Bloom!” Granny Smith hollered, face wrinkling into a smile. “What brings ye home so soon? Thought you kiddos was out helpin’ ponies figger out their destinies till supper today, eh-heeheehee!”

“We’re on a scavenger hunt, Granny!” Apple Bloom explained, trotting past the porch in pursuit of the line. “If’n we follow this white line, we’ll find the next clue! Ya seen anythin'?”

The old earth pony leaned forward in her chair, eyebrows rising. “Weeell now, Ah wonnered what was goin’ on with them there glowin’ lines in the grass. Looks like yer almost to it, though, ‘cause it quit right ‘round the end o’ the porch there.” She pointed before relaxing back into her rocker, creaking calmly back and forth.

And sure enough, when River and the girls reached the corner of the porch, they found a lone, blinking point of light, hovering at chest-height. River’s face lit up with a grin as she spotted the black object sitting underneath it. “Yes! My wallet!” The chunky leather wallet was still latched, and she decided to keep it that way. She also decided to avoid any and all questions about the material it was made out of. River focused for a moment, tongue sticking out slightly, and, with a bit of wobbling, managed to shakily levitate it into the air. A dorky grin creased her face. “Heh-hey, I’m figuring this out! Oh, Apple Bloom, think we could borrow a backp—er, saddlebag to put this stuff in?”

“I’m on it!” The yellow filly darted up the porch and inside, and returned with surprising speed wearing a pair of apple-monogrammed saddlebags. Soon the phone and the wallet were tucked safely inside.

Feeling more optimistic than she had all morning, River turned back to the ball of light in the air. It continued to hang there while they all studied it. After a moment, the blue-maned unicorn circled it, looking up and over and around, but all that happened was that the white line they’d been following disappeared and left the light ball by itself. She sat back on her haunches, flummoxed. “But where’s the next clue?” she muttered, staring around in a circle. Nothing by grass, flowers, the side of the house, and – ew – dog droppings. “Anyone see anything?”

Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo ran a quick search, but came up with nothing. Apple Bloom shrugged. “Maybe he ain’t put it out yet.” Suddenly a loud grumble made everypony stare at River Babble, who could feel her face growing hot. A sly grin bloomed on the filly's face. “Granny, d’ya mind if me an’ my friends get somethin’ to eat?”

“Thought ye’d never ask,” Granny Smith chuckled, pulling herself out of her chair. “Let’s see what we can rustle up!”  

River stepped into the Apple Family kitchen, eagerly taking in the down-home decorations, the clean wooden floors, the magically-powered refrigeration unit. This is cool! She respectfully stood back as the girls ran around the room, yelling over each other. Granny Smith sailed smoothly through the chaos, and within minutes had an admirable spread on the table. “Eat up, kiddos!”

“Thanks for this,” River said gratefully, moving to the table to join the girls. She held out a hoof to Granny (after frantically remembering whether or not ponies shook hooves in the show). “I’m, uh, River Babble. The girls are helping me with the…” She managed, with only a medium level of effort, to smile instead of grimace. “The ‘game’ Discord’s playing with some of my things.”

“Granny Smith, pleased ter meetcha!” The earth pony winked knowingly as she shook River’s black hoof. “That ol’ reprobate’s up to his hijinks again, eh? Don’t you worry, my granbaby an’ her friends’ll be the best help ye can ask fer. But first ya’ll better fuel up fer the hunt!”

None of them needed to be told twice. River had to resist the urge to shove her entire face into the apple pie in front of her.  Not that she wasn’t occupied while she ate; the human/unicorn kept wracking her brain for some way to interpret Discord’s next clue. Surely he would have left something for them to continue with! Unless he was just stalling to keep her away from Twilight. The thought soured her stomach, so River discarded it, determined to enjoy the fantastic farm food in front of her.

This was…really nice. She was eating food in a stranger’s home, after showing up out of nowhere with one of their kids. Granny hadn’t even scolded the girls for hanging out with a stranger. Almost everypony she ran into took her at her word and trusted her with hardly a second thought. She wasn’t so dumb as to believe everyone in this universe felt this trusting and welcoming – but man. What a nice bunch of people.

And I’m misleading them, she thought with a guilty wince. Sure, she never technically lied, but she’d been skating the line way more than she liked. Plus there was that whole thing with bailing on Twilight, an unacceptable act of rudeness. The sooner I get out of here, the better. I cannot hurt these people.

“Hey, Granny Smith?” Sweetie Belle wiped her mouth with a napkin and pushed aside her plate. “We saw something kind of weird a couple of hills back. You know all about the Everfree Forest, right?”

“Hmm, probably ‘bout as much as anypony ‘round these parts,” Granny conceded, sipping at a mug of coffee.

“Have you ever seen a monster that looks like a big, brown mushroom with teeth?”

A bushy white eyebrow rose on the elderly lady's head. “Mushroom monster, eh? Let me just dig through me old noggin here…” Granny stood and paced around her kitchen, humming and hawing to herself. “I can recall some little white mushroom critters, but they had more spikes than teeth—” Suddenly she paused, staring distantly out the window. Her eyes narrowed. “These mushroom monsters – are they brown with big eyes on the heads?”

Sweetie Belle and River both straightened with excitement. “Yes!” River said, leaning forward. “That sounds right!”

“No arms, little round feet?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Couple’a fangs juttin’ over the top lip, and bushy black eyebrows like my old Uncle Ernie?”

The two unicorns paused and glanced at each other in confusion. “Well, I’m not sure about the eyebrows…” River said slowly. “But the rest sounds right. Why? Have you heard of them?”

“Nope. I’m seein’ ‘em right now. We got an invasion comin’ in!” And with shocking speed for a pony her age, Granny Smith was at the front door, slamming a wooden bolt across the door that River hadn’t noticed on the way in. They all raced to the windows to look out.

Sure enough, five of the not-quite-pony-sized mushroom monsters were trundling quickly down the hill, heading straight for the farmhouse. The Crusaders gasped and started rapid-firing questions. “What are those?” “Whoa, you weren’t kidding about the mushroom look.” “Are they going to eat us?” “They’re kinda cute.” “Look at those fangs!” “They’re totally gonna eat us!” “Nah, Rainbow Dash’ll bring the Elements and they’ll totally bust these suckers!” Granny had somehow donned a military helmet and was peeking out the window with a sort of apple-launcher in her hooves. Apparently incursions from the Everfree were frequent enough to warrant preventative measures.

Meanwhile, River was experiencing an extremely powerful revisit of her earlier déjà vu. “Those things DO look like Goombas…” she muttered, her comment lost in the piping of the girls. As the weird mushroom creatures (they really did have HUGE eyebrows) wandered through the fence and began trying to eat Granny Smith’s flowerpots, a crazy thought occurred to her. She immediately shook her head like a wet dog. No, no, no, no, don’t get any dumb ideas! There is no way that would work!

“Maybe if we stay in here, they’ll go away,” she suggested, praying that that would in fact be the case. “They aren't acting very aggressive.” It was true: while they were intimidating to look at, the mushroom monsters seemed content to wander back and forth across the lawn in front of the farmhouse and occasionally gnaw on things.

Granny Smith pursed her lips. “Never seen the likes o’ these’uns afore, but mayhaps they’ll mosey along. But if’n Applejack or Big Mac come home, it could—hey! Don’t you go trompin’ through my petunias!” And the first apple launched through the air, bonking one of the creatures in the face.

This proved to be a mistake.

The Crusaders screamed with surprising harmony as one of the mushroom monsters ran up the stairs and bounced with considerable force off the door. What had just before been reasonably passive creatures now crowded the porch, looking for a way in and glaring through the windows. It was as if being made aware of the ponies sent them into a determined frenzy. Granted, it wasn’t the most intimidating attack – the creatures just bounced off of the door one after the other – and the fact that they were strangely silent made it even weirder. But it was still an attack, of a sort. Granny Smith ordered the girls to the back of the kitchen and started firing her apples at the creatures, which had little effect on them except for knocking a few briefly off the porch.

This was crazy! River walked the same two steps ten times, torn between wanting to distance herself from the weird monster attack and not wanting to be the kind of jerk who left a little old lady to do all the fighting. All I wanted was the stupid clue—

Another thought came to her. River’s eyes narrowed. No, he wouldn’t…would he?

Skidding over to a side window, River peered out at the flashing point of light. It hadn’t done anything yet. He knows about my dimension, so maybe… The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. This was the new challenge – and, since Discord hadn’t done anything REALLY dangerous yet, that probably meant this wouldn’t be that dangerous, either.

A grin creased her face. River turned and trotted towards the door, reaching for the latch.

“What’re ya doin’, ya young ninny?” Granny scolded, rapping her apple-launcher sharply against River’s hoof. “Ye want ‘em all coming in on us?”

“But I have an—” Oh. Wait. River rethought her course of action, and blushed. “Right, um…maybe I should go out the back way. I think I know how to beat these guys! Can you keep distracting them?”

Granny eyed her up and down. She had a keen, knowing gaze that belied her normally kooky behavior in the TV show. River had a flashback to a certain fanfiction she was writing, but tucked that thought away for later. Then Granny gave her a sharp nod. “Alrighty, git to it!” She whirled back to the window and continued firing apples at the Goomba-like creatures, hollering like a Cherokee warrior.

River skidded out the back, passing the confused fillies, and circled around to the front of the house. She peeked around the corner, and felt a flicker of doubt. There’s no way this can work… But the flashing point of light a few feet away and her annoyance at a certain somebody filled her with resolve. Taking a deep breath, and saying a quick prayer, River raced up the stairs, jumped onto the railing, and launched herself hooves-first, straight onto the head of one of the mushrooms.

The creature flattened strangely under her feet – and disappeared with a poof! River’s four hooves hit the wooden porch with a satisfying thunk.

Adrenaline spiked through her at her success, and River Babble whooped. The other Goombas were starting to turn towards her, but she quickly scrambled back onto the banister and jumped again, this time bouncing across three of the heads like they were trampolines. Each one poofed away behind her.

“YES! Take that, Discord!” River crowed, shaking a hoof at the sky. “You’re not throwing me with a little Super Mario!”

The creak of a door made her look around – just in time to see the last Goomba (which she had completely forgotten about, go figure) opening its mouth to bite her. River’s ears drooped, pupils dilating, and she briefly wondered what it would be like to be shrunk to half her size. But then an orange, white, and yellow blur planted six hooves on the Goomba’s head, crushing it out of existence and into the ground.

River blinked, then grinned down at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Whoa—thanks! You totally saved my bacon there.” Then she scowled. “But that was really dangerous! Why’d Granny even let you out here?”

Granny Smith poked her head out the window and scowled right back at River. “’Cause it were obvious they was easy to beat, and my ol’ legs ain’t good fer jumpin’ on things!”

“Ah…right,” River replied, embarrassed. “Thanks for the save, everybody. We totally nailed that!” She held out a hoof, which the girls reflexively hoof-bumped.

Sweetie Belle still looked confused, though, and she raised a hoof. “So what were those things?”

“And what’s bacon?” Scootaloo threw in.

That second question was neatly sidestepped with a nervous throat-clearing and attentive focus on the first, less awkward question. “Discord’s next puzzle, I think. He made those monsters appear, and the challenge was to figure out how to defeat them!” She thumped a hoof on the porch beneath her, where one of the Goombas had disappeared. “We probably weren’t in any real danger to begin with. Those things are easy to ki—er, beat.” He must have replicated the Goombas from the Mario game on my 3DS. I mean, unless Super Mario Bros. is a real universe, too… Now there was an uncomfortable thought. No, the way those things just flattened out of existence, that was totally video game physics. She had to give him a few points for creativity, though. This scavenger hunt was more fun than she’d expected!

“So you did know what they were?” Apple Bloom asked, tilted her head quizzically. “Ah thought ya said ya didn’t recognize ‘em.”

River cleared her throat again. Dangit, Discord, why do you have to make things even more complicated. “Well, I’ve never seen them, um…quite like that before. It has something to do with a game I play back home. Once I knew what they were, I knew how to beat them. And now!” She whirled, pointing dramatically towards the pulsing light at the corner of the house. “We should have Discord’s next clue!”

Everypony crowded around the point of light. And waited.

It kept flashing.

Scootaloo yawned. Sweetie Belle scratched her leg. A dog barked in the distance.

Still pulsing pleasantly.

River Babble scowled and reached out a hoof to try and tap the thing. “Come on, Discord, let’s get this show on the—”

As soon as her hoof made contact, the point of light expanded and latched onto it, causing her to give a startled screech. But a split-second later, it reshaped into a fresh piece of parchment in her hoof, fluttering lightly in the breeze. River put her other hoof to her chest and inhaled deeply a few times, wondering if this was what hyperventilating felt like. “Okay…so… Somebody with air in their lungs read this one.”

“My turn!” Scootaloo snagged the paper with a buzz of her wings and settled between her two best friends, pink eyes scanning the paper eagerly. “Okay, it says:

“Congratulations! You got to Round Two;

I'm sure the girls helped you know what to do.

But now no lines will show you the way;

You’ll have to decipher the words that I say.

What’s fresh and moldy, living and dead,

Keeping the flies and the monsters fed?

You’d better keep practicing magic, my friend,

Lest you discover a watery End.”

A watery end? River felt a shiver go up her spine. Was Discord’s game getting more dangerous? Something “living and dead” sounded suspiciously like zombies, so that didn’t make her feel better. And he had sicked a couple of possibly-video-game monsters on them, even if they were the least dangerous monsters in all of Mario land, and now that she thought about it, wasn’t it a little weird that he hadn’t said anything about what the Goombas had to do with this whole—

No, no, we have to focus! River stomped a hoof into the grass. “Okay, girls, I’m not always great with riddles, but they usually don’t mean what they sound like they mean. So, anybody got any ideas on what’s fresh and—”

“I got it!” Scootaloo announced. Everypony else turned to stare at her.

“Wait, you know what this is?” Apple Bloom asked, which saved River from having to do it and look even more clueless. “Somethin’ fresh an’ moldy an’ livin’ an’ dead?”

Scootaloo grinned sneakily. “Not only that, but I know where it is!”

“Well, then tell us already!” Sweetie Belle practically shrieked.

“Even better,” the orange filly sing-songed, and then raced back out onto the path, calling over her shoulder, “I’ll show you!”

The other two girls glanced at each other, shrugged, and took off like tiny colorful rockets. River stared after them for a moment, baffled. She threw Granny Smith an apologetic smile. “I hope you don’t mind if they keep tagging along. I promise I’ll try to keep them out of trouble.”

“Missy, you’ll need more luck keepin’ them from gettin’ you in trouble,” the old mare cackled. “Jus’ make sure she’s back by sundown, don’t want Applejack gettin’ all kerfuffled. My granbaby’s mighty protective of her little sister!”

“Duly noted.” River struck out a few steps, then paused as something occurred to her. Something related to her early quandary about how this universe could be real in one reality and fictional in hers. Something Discord had said…

“Say…” She sidled up to the porch, trying to look casual (which of course means she looked anything but.) “Um, just curious… You don’t know anything about a Prince, do you?”

Granny Smith eyed her, one wrinkly eye squinting up. “Eh? Don’t have many princes around here. Not that us mares’d mind, heh-heh!” She gave River a knowing wink.

“Right, right…” River tried not to show her relief as she dipped her head to Granny. “Nevermind, thanks! And thanks for the food!” As she sped off to catch the girls, the blue-maned unicorn smiled to herself. At least Discord was right – whatever was going on, it probably didn’t have to do with anything she’d written.

Her philosophical conundrum from earlier fluttered up again, and River frowned thoughtfully. Option 1 and Option 2 couldn’t be ruled out yet, but neither seemed to fit with what she'd experienced so far. Maybe if she kept observing this reality, she’d figure out which one made the most sense.

Or maybe there was an Option 3…

----

This was what he got for being disorganized. Discord shut one viewing window and opened another, grumbling under his breath at the inconsiderate nature of ponies who threw wrenches in his brilliant plans. The bratty human and her new posse of helpers (and really, where did she get off making friends with members of his club?) were well on their way by the time he realized that the first target had been inconveniently relocated. Now he was scrambling to rearrange the whole scavenger hunt around the missing 3DS.

“Note to self,” he muttered. A notepad appeared next to his head, letters scribbling across it as if drawn by an invisible pencil. “Make sure to track everything before leaving it out for anypony to wander off with when my back is turned!” He’d really need to track that thing down at some point. “Considering her attitude so far, Ms. Whiner will probably accuse me of breaking our deal and run straight to Twilight!” Discord swooned back against a sofa while the various portraits on the walls of his house sighed sympathetically at his plight. He was really reconsidering that promise to Fluttershy about not chucking people through random dimensions because they annoyed him.

Not that he had that option at the moment, but still.

It took only a few more minutes to open up enough viewing portals and make sure they stayed locked onto the important components of his game. Everything was where it needed to be now, with just enough chaos thrown in to make things interesting. “And of course, Chewie is right where I left it,” he said out loud, finally finding a reason to chuckle. River would never ¬think to look for it there.

Satisfied that the minor mishap had been dealt with, Discord returned his attention to River and the girls, just in time to see them go running down the path away from Sweet Apple Acres to follow his next clue. I doubt I missed anything that interesting. He snapped a finger, summoning a glass of ice tea, and sat back with a self-satisfied smirk to watch the show.

Yes, he had everything completely under control.