Big Mac awoke with a jolt as his door burst open. The light flicked on. He accidently sent Smarty Pants flying as he kicked the ragdoll off the end of his bed board in his scramble to discover what was happening. Twilight and Rarity stood over him. They seemed out of breath and, for some reason, were wearing polka dot party hats.

The stallion rubbed his eyes. “Uh, is this some sort o’ crazy fantasy come true?” he asked, in a deeply tired and disoriented voice.

“Nope,” Twilight replied tersely.

“We are here to ask you question,” Rarity announced.

Big Mac sat up with a yawn and retrieved his work harness from his bedside table. “Ask away, I guess,” he mumbled as he put on the harness.

Applejack tumbled into the room with Apple Bloom tailing close behind. The orange mare was covered in sweat and seemed to be even more winded than her friends.

Rarity looked Big Mac in the eye. “Did you sleep—” she cut herself short, regarding Apple Bloom's presence.

“Ee-yup. That’s what I was doin’ before y’all busted in here.”

“What’s going on?” Apple Bloom asked, looking concerned. “Is Macintosh okay?”

“Ee-yup.”

Applejack gently gathered up the little filly and slung her over her back, carrying her from the room. “Nothing’s goin’ on. We just felt like talkin’ with Macintosh, that’s all. You should get ta bed.”

Apple Bloom appeared unconvinced, but climbed down from her sister’s back and trotted into her bedroom obediently.

“Goodnight Sis,” she said pleasantly as she shut her door. Once she heard Applejack trot back into Big Mac’s room, she put her ear up to the wall in an attempt to discern what the adults were discussing.

Applejack kicked Big Mac’s door shut and nodded to her impatient unicorn friends.

The stallion appeared nervous now that he was slightly more awake.

Twilight cleared her throat before she spoke. “Macintosh, did you, uh, sleep with Pinkie Pie?”

“Nn-nope.”

***

Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight sat around the Apple family kitchen table later that night. They had considered every stallion they knew in Ponyville, but this was somewhat futile. Pinkie knew so many more stallions than they did. She knew every pony, donkey, mule, and dragon in Ponyville for that matter. They could not even rule out stallions who were deemed well beneath Pinkie’s league, since that might be the source of her embarrassment.

“It coulda been some out-of-towner,” suggested Applejack. “Pinkie welcomes most everypony who comes here, so there’s plenty o’ possibility there.”

“I still don’t see why we cleared Big Mac simply because he denied our allegations,” Rarity complained.

Applejack squinted at her wearily. “Look Sugarcube, Macintosh ain't no liar. Now that I think about it, we were bein’ awful rude ta wake him up like that. If he really had gotten Pinkie pregnant he would marry her straight away and ya can bet your apples he’d tell me about a thing like that.”

“Maybe she hasn’t told him yet,” Twilight offered.

“No, no, he’d still tell me if he slept with one of my friends. I won’t hear nothin’ more against my brother.”

“Alright, what about your cousin Braeburn then?” Rarity suggested. “He was here a few weeks ago.”

Applejack chuckled. “Braeburn doesn’t swing that way.”

Rarity appeared rather disappointed to hear this. There was then a silence that would have been awkward save for the fact that they were all deeply tired.

“Oh who am I kiddin’?” Applejack muttered as if to herself. “Pinkie about spelled it out for us. She as much as said it was Big Macintosh. I just can’t admit that he might do somethin' like that.”

“It’s not that difficult to imagine,” Rarity said defensively. “Pinkie is prettier than you give her credit for.”

"That ain't what I meant."

“Wait a second,” Twilight said, raising her hoof as if she wanted to be called upon to answer a question in class. “Pinkie did spell out who it was, but I don’t think she intended to. This whole Big Mac thing is just a big red herring.”

“Uh, Twilight, he’s a pony, not a fish,” Applejack corrected.

“'Red herring' is just a term from literature. It means ‘a distraction.’”

“Those fancy-schmancy professors have ta make everythin’ more complicated than it is, now don’t they.”

“No, it’s very important to coin and define literary terms—”

“Ladies, I feel we are digressing,” Rarity interrupted.

“Okay Twilight, you were sayin’ it ain't Big Macintosh?”

Twilight gathered her thoughts and presented them. “Pinkie said that on a scale of embarrassment from violet to red, red being the most embarrassing, that it was a big red.”

Applejack yawned and blinked sleepily. “Well, that still sounds an awful lot like my big brother.”

“No, it sounds a lot like Rainbow Dash. The rainbow starts with violet and ends with red.”

“Or does it start with red and end with violet?” Rarity speculated.

“For our purposes, that doesn’t really matter. Think about it though, why else would Pinkie use such an idiosyncratic metaphor to describe her embarrassment? It was a subconscious slip up!”

“I’m 'bout ta have a subconscious slip up o’ my own,” Applejack mumbled as she nodded off. She rested her head on the tabletop and began to snore softly. “N-n-neigh, n-n-neigh.”

Rarity pounded upon the table with her hoof, waking the orange mare and causing her to bite her tongue. “Pay attention Applejack. Twilight just figured out that it’s Rainbow Dash.”

Applejack gave her the stink eye. “Maybe y’all need ta wake yourself up. I think you’re forgettin’ Rainbow Dash’s gender.”

Rarity’s face fell. “Oh right.”

The triumphant expression on Twilight’s face faded as well. “Wow, I’m too tired. I’ve practically lost my mind,” she peered up at an old clock on the wall and blinked at the lateness of the hour.

The friends agreed to call it a night. Applejack offered to let them sleep on the couch in the living room, but Rarity muttered something about this being “uncouth.” Twilight gazed wistfully upon the old yet possibly comfortable sofa. Rarity, however, refused to venture back to her boutique alone at such a dark hour.

After she and Twilight waved goodbye to Applejack, Rarity turned to the other unicorn. “We simply must get to the bottom of all this.” Twilight nodded in agreement as she lit the dark path ahead of them with a soft violet glow from her horn.

***

A few hours prior, two pegasi flew at a frenetic pace, racing low over the rooftops of Ponyville. The last rays of sunlight glimmered in the distance and faded into darkness as Rainbow Dash pulled even with Fluttershy.

“Wow, you’re a really fast flier when you want to be,” she called over the sound of the air rushing past them.

Fluttershy glanced over at her friend miserably, taking no measures to slow her breakneck pace. Tears blew off of her cheeks as she raced toward her cottage near the edge of town. She landed terribly on the doorstep, her little body crumpling into a heap of agony. Dash landed lightly beside her.

“Are you okay? I thought you might have broken your neck crashing into the ground like that.”

Fluttershy looked up, still unable to contain her sobs. “It’s worse than that, Rainbow Dash! My heart is broken!”

The cyan pegasus carried her friend into the cottage and set her on the sofa before disappearing from view to rummage around in a closet, hastily tossing out towels, romance novels, and sacks of animal feed.

“What are you doing?” Fluttershy cried. “Don’t I have it bad enough already without you wrecking my home?”

“I’m getting you something to stay warm and comfortable while I get a fire going,” Dash replied as she returned to drape a woolly red blanket over her. For some reason this did little to comfort the heartbroken pony.

Dash set about haphazardly tossing paper and kindling into the hearth. She had never started a fire before, not having a fireplace in her cloud house. She was simply accustomed to the colder temperatures in the sky. “What’s going on, Fluttershy? It’s not so bad that Pinkie is pregnant. These things happen. You’ve got to forgive her.”

“Oh, it’s not that,” she said resentfully, wiping a tear from her cheek.

Dash struck a match and lit the fireplace. The paper burned bright for a moment, crumpled up, and went out. The rainbow pegasus stood up, thought for a moment and then facedhooved. “How could I be so idiotic?”

Fluttershy’s anger ebbed perceptibly. “Oh, don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s a trick to starting fires.”

“No, it’s not that,” Dash replied, approaching and seating herself on a stool near Fluttershy. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had a crush on Big Mac. That's why you're mad right? You thought he was with Pinkie and had gotten her pregnant?”

Her friend’s face immediately went from one of distress to one of embarrassment. She blushed a shade of crimson deeper than the blanket wrapped around her.

With her suspicion confirmed, Dash spoke gently to reassure her friend. “Big Mac isn’t the father. The father is, well, somepony else.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief. “That means there’s still a chance.”

“So hey, how long have you been into AJ’s brother?” Dash asked, her face breaking into a curious grin.

Fluttershy sighed sadly. “It feels like it’s been a long time now. It all started when I noticed Apple Bloom and her friends trying to set him up on a date with Cheerilee. I saw how shy and nervous and innocent he was. I’ve been dreaming about him ever since that day. He seems so sweet,” her voice became more cheerful and animated as she spoke of him.

“Maybe I could help you,” Dash offered.

***

“It is now time for brunch, your majesty,” came a gentle yet authoritative stallion’s voice.

Princess Celestia opened her eyes gently, concluding her morning nap. She nodded graciously to Shining Armor.

“Your sister Luna awaits, my princess.”

“Thank you, Shining Armor Sparkle,” the monarch spoke in a voice flowing with dignified joy. Calling him by his full name clearly annoyed him, but she smiled at how he attempted to conceal his annoyance.

“Right this way, your grace,” he said, leading her to a dimly lit dinning hall.

“Honestly Shining, you do not have to guide me to my brunch. I have been around long enough to know my way in this palace.”

“As you wish, my lady,” he bowed and took up a position guarding the dinning hall entrance.

Luna sat at the opposite side of a small table, chewing a large mouthful of back licorice. “You have received sundry articles of correspondence, your majestic lady grace,” she announced.

“Might we risk a little more light?” Celestia inquired, surveying the dimly lit room. Most of the sunlight was blocked out by tightly closed draw blinds.

“Light is indubitably overrated,” Luna declared, taking a bite from a large bar of ultra dark chocolate.

The Princess of the Sun smiled as she seated herself and began eating cereal from a bowl her servants had prepared. She ate with a magically suspended spoon while effortlessly rotating hundreds of letters overhead.

There was significantly more mail than she typically received. An accident caused by a hapless grey pegasus had set the postal service into crisis mode the previous week. They were only now catching up.

“Boring... boring... boring..." an additional letter materialized in a blaze of green fire. "Oh, here's a letter from my star student,” Celestia said happily.

“That is most unfortunate,” Luna remarked.

“Why so?”

“Pinkie Pie’s letters reign superior. Her egregious grammar errors and excessive use of exclamation points amuses us.”

“Oh give Twilight a chance. Her letters may not be as funny, but they are often very heartwarming. Would you like me to read the letter to you?”

“We shall decline said offer,” Luna replied, dishing large piles of caviar onto to her plate.

Celestia chewed on a rather large mouthful of cereal while she magically removed the seal and unfolded the parchment to read Twilight’s letter. Surprisingly, it was not in Spike's handwriting. Upon scanning the first line of the parchment, she spat her cereal in every direction.

“Very well, now we must hear it,” Luna said, sounding suddenly intrigued as she picked soggy bits of cereal from her caviar.

“Dear Princess Celestia, my friend Pinkie Pie is pregnant and won’t tell me who the father is. What should I do?”

Luna’s face broke into a mischievous grin as she nodded to her sister. “We informed you that Pinkie is most entertaining.”

The princess did not laugh at this. “This is serious, Luna. If there is a friendship problem between the elements Equestria may be in more danger than we know.”

“What would you have us do? It is our opinion that the security situation exceeds all adequate levels. At the very least, Cadance and Shining Armor represent a powerful enough force to keep this city safe. We know you had your confidence shaken when the changeling queen humiliated you in battle, yet if you had simply employed the wisdom to wake us before challenging her, we would have made short work of her and her wretched minions.”

Celestia magically folded the letter into a little origami pony and teleported it to where she kept Twilight’s other letters. “I suppose I don’t always have to meddle. Let us keep an eye on this situation though.” She summoned a sheet of parchment along with a quill and spoke aloud as she penned her reply. “My most faithful student, I would like to congratulate Pinkie on bringing new life into this world. You all must be very excited.” Next Chapter: Seduction Estimated time remaining: 35 Minutes