Well, todays the day.

Everyone’s gotta go home eventually and it just so happens that for me it is today.

Saying goodbye to my pack of dogs wasn't easy, especially when they all started to huddle and howl in my face. I was in a literal dogpile and they were all hugging me, begging me not to leave them.

I had to reassure them several times that I will be back and that I am not abandoning them. They act just like my dogs back home, sad when I leave and happy when I come home.

Packing up my things into my standard issue carry pack (slightly modified so that I can carry it since it was meant for griffons), I did a slow sweep of my room to make sure that nothing was amiss, aside from the diamond dog guarding the corner and a changeling lazing about on the ceiling.

While Ambrosia and I came to an agreement of sorts regarding the deal we made three days ago, she is making sure that I uphold my side of the bargain by sending me one of her changelings to serve as both a reminder of the deal and also as a means of communication to the hive should I ever go back on my word. This changeling, they go by the name Moss, he says to head home, present the letter of the terms to my king, make a statement and pray to the gods that the king listens and follows through. On the upside these changelings are still adorable and huggable, but they are kinda creepy when they don’t blink for very long periods of time.

Or blink one eye at a time.

Or not blinking at all.

Bug ponies are weird.

Taking one last look around and finding everything to be satisfactory I motioned to my two bodyguards as they straightened themselves out and followed me. With one on the floor and the other on the ceiling, neither of the two said a word to each other since they were assigned to me and I can only hazard a guess as to why.

The dog I left in charge temporarily, Barka, he thinks that I am going to talk to the griffon king as leader to leader to settle for land rights, while in reality I am just returning to him to deliver a full detailed report of the journey and lastly to deliver upon him the trade deal and peace treaty from Ambrosia.

Here is hoping that my trip isn't too annoying or tiring, hiking was never my forte but having to hike dozens upon dozens of miles with just myself and a few bodyguards who don't seem to like each other... yeah this is going to suck something awful.

Our trip back to Griffonstone is going to be a bit of a long trip since we didn't have any fliers aside from Moss and he wasn't strong enough to carry all of us nor was he willing to do so. So now we have to travel all the way back to the capital on foot, through thick forests and bubbly swamps, rolling hills and sweeping winds, we marched on and through it all with a dour expression and mild annoyance. But our first stop is Talon's End for one reason and one reason only.

Walking back into the slowly yet steadily healing town I gave a nod to the stationed guards on duty and to the passing citizens, many of whom wave at me with many more stopping to hug me and thank me for saving them during the siege all the while giving a wide berth away from the diamond dogs, their eyes looking at them in suspicion and hatred. I don't know how long it will take for that wound to heal but I am hoping that someday that griffons, ponies and diamond dogs can one day live together in peace and harmony without fear.

Eventually I found the legion camp on the other side of the town and before long I found the tent I was looking for.

Upon lifting up the tent flap and walking in I saw a light blue feathered griffon, their slightly hooked beak was open slightly as they whistled to themselves a rather jaunty tune and as I stepped in they stopped their jolly time and looked at me before quickly standing up and breaking into a salute.

“Greetings Sir Wilkinson, I am Requisition Officer Corporal Driuss and this is the legion’s temporary supply depot. How may I assist you today my lord?” The light blue griffin said as I returned his salute and gave permission for the officer to sit down.

"Yes I would to like to requisition a few large tents, some cooking utensils, some metal pots, a few proper spears, and flint-n-steel." The requisition officer sitting behind their temporary table simply stared at me with confusion as I told him my list of things that I will be needing for my journey back to the capital as my two traveling companions are standing behind me, trying their best not to look too out of place.

Seeing that nobody has seen a changeling at all since their self-imposed exile and that their whole shtick is being unnoticed while doing their business, Moss has turned himself into a dark green earth pony stallion with a charcoal black mane and tail, and for his butt-tattoo it is a hunk of coal with a pickaxe in it. And as for my doggy guard, he is Rocky the Basset Hound, and by the gods does he look so adorable when he is giving me a normal stare, he just looks so cuddly with that pouty face even though he seems none too pleased with my antics.

Clearing his throat with a bit of a cough and a brief flutter from his wings, the supply officer looked back at me with a bit of confusion and some trepidation in his voice.

"Uh... sir? Who are these... friends of yours? I believe that I do not recognize either of them when you were last in town." The officer said as he went into the back area of his tent to retrieve the items that I requested.

Looking back at Rocky and Moss, both of whom were busy trying to not look bored and not touching anything in the room before turning back to face the officer.

"The diamond dogs are my bodyguards, and the pony is someone we have picked up on our trip here who wanted to come with us to Griffonstone to visit a relative." I said what amounts to a half-truth and a half-lie since Moss does need to get to Griffonstone to fulfill a portion of the peace deal.

Looking at my retinue of guards and the lone pony with a scrutinizing gaze that lasted a little longer than I felt was necessary, especially when it was directed at the disguised changeling because why would an equine be out in the inhospitable forest by themselves, especially with-it being Bugbear Season.

"Well, may I suggest that you hold off on leave town until we are done here? I am not doubting the skills of your guards, but I am worried that you are underestimating the dangers of the wild beasts in the region. I would suggest you take with you some bugbear repellant." The officer said as he handed me a stick with a hunk of charcoal attached to it.

I looked at the stick and just raised an eyebrow at it.

"A stick?" I said as I grabbed it and looked it over, and lo and behold it was a simple stick with a chunk of charcoal on it. If I shave the stick down and made the charcoal thinner, I bet I could make a pencil out of this and then sell it to an academic for the big bucks...that is if pencils are not a thing here.

"Yes, bugbears hate circles apparently and it has saved quite a few lives, so if you see a bugbear just draw a circle on the ground and step into it." The officer said as he went back into the back of the tent that was then followed by a squawk of surprise or annoyance and a loud clattering of metal on metal before finally coming back to the table with my requested items.

Sitting on the table in a tightly stacked pile held together by a thin veil of braided rope was my pots with utensils resting within the uppermost pot along with the flint-n-steel sitting beside it. And as for the tents and spears, well the tents were harder to come by so I was instead given some rather shoddy tents that may or may not look like they have some holes in them, and as for the spears? Turns out they had some decent spears to spare so they were laid down on the table with a bit of a rattle and clanging of the spearheads.

Looking at what was presented to me and liking what I was seeing I returned my gaze to the requisition officer and gave him a nod, one that he returned before grabbing a clipboard that was hanging off the side of the table and looked it over for a moment. Snatching a quill and an inkwell I watched the officer scribble down what I am assuming is the items I had requested before placing the quill down and put back the clipboard.

"Is that everything you need sir or is there something else that I can help with?" The officer said as I picked up my goods and passed them off to Rocky and his kin. Moss leaned forward and chomped on the handle for one of the tents and lifted it off the table, a look of surprise on his face as he was caught off-guard, not expecting it to be heavy for something of its size.

Must be made of heavy canvas or some other thick material to keep the elements and the cold out while keeping the warmth in.

“No, I think that is everything we will be needing for our return trip to Griffonstone. Thank you, Officer Driuss for the assistance.” I said before giving the young corporal a salute, one in which he returned immediately and stood straighter, probably a military thing regarding rank or something.

With our new gear acquired and being stowed in our packs, my diamond dogs yapping at one another over who gets what while Moss simply shook their head and mumbled about barbarians.

Leaving Talon’s End and the sounds of carpentry and shouts behind us for the foreseeable future, the twelve of us began our journey to the griffon capital.

This sort of reminded me of Frodo and his gang of hobbits when they made their epic adventure to Mordor, but without the crackhead following me or the deadly wraith kings of ages past hunting me down.

Really wish I had a pot smoking wizard with me, would make this long ass trek through bumblefuck nowhere tolerable.

And so we marched through the emerald sea of pine and oak trees, passing rivers and bushes and occasionally seeing the local wildlife move to and fro from their hiding places as we stepped on twigs and kicked rocks. The birds were chirping and the local squirrel gangs running between tree branches, the air was peaceful and for a moment all was right with the world.

‘Ahh, the great outdoors in all of its glory. No electronics to distract us and no pollution to stifle the air with its toxic payload, grandpa would love this so much.’

When we set up camp for the first night all was quiet and nothing of note happened.

On day three however…

As we trudged our way through the woods a most annoying rock somehow how founds its way into my boot, the anger I felt when a particularly large pebble got stuck between my big toe and the end of the shoe can only be described as ‘frothing disdain’. With the unwanted passenger resting between my toes and the rubbing and grinding, causing it to chafe and rub the skin raw throughout the day was starting to peak my anger at nature.

I think I could rival Ed with how enraged I was on that day and my dogs were standing a little further back than normal and Moss was starting to walk with a wobble while groaning.

“Stop! Stop!” I said loudly as I hobbled over to a nearby fallen log and sat on it before struggling to remove my left boot.

“Gotta get this fuckin’ hitchhiker out of my damn boot! Fucker been hiding in there for too long!” And with a grunt and a heave I flung my boot off as it goes flying into a bush. With a sigh of relief I wiggle my toes I smiled with joy as the coarse and rough object was no longer plaguing my foot with its foul presence.

With the source of my discomfort removed from my boot and with it my foul mood, my diamond dogs visibly looked happier as they came to the conclusion that my anger was not towards them and that Moss was no longer looking like he was on the verge of keeling over.

“Alright, this spot looks good enough to make camp for the night, we’ll pick back up right where we left off in the morning.” I said as my dogs let out sighs of relief and immediately began setting up camp.

Putting together the campfire was an easy affair as there was plentiful amount of tinder and small bits of scrap wood laying around along with small rocks to be used to make a circle to keep the fire within. One of the dogs took out the large pot meant for stews and immediately went looking for a nearby water source to serve as the main ingredient of what may very well be stew. Three other dogs went off to hunt for some meat, here is hoping that they are smart enough to not pick a fight with something bigger and stronger than them.

After about three hours have passed my dogs came back to me with a boar being held up by one of the big dogs while the other had a bunch of fish being held up by a rope with the third dog was holding the other twos spears.

We are good tonight with enough to soare for tomorrow’s breakfast and quite possibly for dinner as well.

For the diamond dogs they dug out holes in the ground and had the mounds raised above ground level, my guess is that if it were to rain that they wouldn’t be flooded out of their little dens. And as for Moss?

“You want to do what?” I said as I took off my armor for the night with Moss standing there in the tent entrance, staring at me with those soulless orange eyes.

Blinking at my question in confusion and tilting his head ever so slightly, Moss repeated his request to me.

“I said can I sleep with you tonight.” And once more Moss says this with his soulless eyes looking up at me.

“That’s what I thought you said.” I replied back as I unfolded my sleeping cot and placed my sleeping bag on top of it. I learned from past experiences that sleeping on the ground in a sleepy bag sucks ass since the ground is never smooth and soft, half the time it is lumpy, hard, covered in rocks or is a rattlesnake den entrance.

As I continued to set up my tent Moss kept looking at me, waiting for an answer as I went back and forth around the cot.

“And your answer is…?”

Letting out a sigh and shaking my head as I placed my pillow down I turn to look at Moss who is now staring up at me while giving me the saddest pair of puppy eyes while his tail is curled in on itself.

“Oh come on now! That is just unfair! You know I am already called for so why do you want to fuck me that badly!” I said as I tucked away my pack under the cot before diverting all of my attention in the sad changeling sitting by the edge of my cot.

Upon hearing that he wants to fuck me I watched as Moss shook his head before raising his hooves and started to wave me off furiously.

“What?! No! Weave forbid no!”

“Then why are you so adamant on wanting to sleep with me?”

“Because you are both a source of warmth and a source of love, if you have forgotten that I need to subsist off of your emotions and that the weather is still cold at this time of year and I would rather not accidentally slip into an endothermic hibernation on accident.” Moss said as he explained to me what he meant and for a moment I let out a sigh of great relief.

“Oh thank god it was that! I thought you were hitting on me like your queen was!”

“Hitting you? Why would my queen strike you? You are our primary hope of keeping our hive alive and fed and our queen would never do something that would jeopardize our future!” Moss said in shock, his muzzle clearly in open in a gawping manner, unable to process mentally on why his queen would even think of hitting me.

Slapping a hand on my face only to drag it down slowly I let out an exasperated sigh before sitting down in my cot.

‘It’s like I am explaining the birds n the bees to someone who’s been homeschooled.’

“Look. Clearly there has been a fumble in the translation of my words into yours, and the fact that the lexicon and meaning of words has changed over the years while you’ve been entombed underground so I guess I have to explain some things to you.” I said as I tried my best not to sound too annoyed at the little changeling.

And thus this was how I spent my third night in the great outdoors, explaining modern lingo to a changeling who he thought I said his queen was going to hit me when instead is that his queen was trying to seduce me to her bedchambers.

Naturally, this line of thought for the changeling made him go from confused for wanting to inflict pain on me to tilted head confusion as to why she would want to bed me.

“Umm, I am sorry to be the one to tell you this but the act of coitus is considered one of the least effective means of extracting emotions. While yes it is one of the ways our harvesters have collected emotions on you surface dwellers but it also causes the emotions to become mixed and infused with various other emotions as well be it either positive or negative, especially if this harvesting was done during an orgy. With so many participants engaged in the process it will heavily mix and dilute whatever love is in there to the point of it becoming the equivalent of drinking water.”

“You see, for us changelings the emotions we are always on the hunt for is love, be it from one’s spouse or familial love as it is the most powerful positive emotion there is as so many creatures have gone far and beyond for their mate or mates to the point of self-inflicted injury. Then there is the happiness, joy, awe, gratitude, and hope, which is naturally abundant from ponies or griffons who’ve been doing well for their business, and then laughter, compassion, contentment and serenity which mostly serve as light meals or snacks because of how naturally thinned out they are due to how abundant they are.”

“With engagement of breeding it isn’t really much when it comes to much in the emotions department unless it is somebeings wedding night, than it is a banquet of emotions.” Moss says this as he jumps onto the cot and lays down at the foot of the bed without even waiting for me to even allow him to lay there.

Rolling my eyes at his display of boldness I simply cross my arms and look down at the seemingly uncaring changeling.

“You aren’t even going to ask if you can sleep there?” I said as the smaller changeling let out a groan before sitting up.

“May I sleep here tonight? And the following nights to come?” Moss looked up at me with the sad eyes again and I caved in.

I have an extreme weakness for the sad puppy look, no matter who is making it. I just hope that nobody else learns of this strategic weakness.

“Fine, but if I wake up in the middle of the night with you inside my sleeping bag going to town on the master of ceremonies then you will find yourself sleeping outside.” With a small squeal of delight the changeling circled on his little spot on the cot before laying down.

Letting out a sigh of defeat and shaking my head at the strange display the changeling made, I finish taking off the last of my armor before putting on an extra shirt and slid myself into my sleeping bag for the night.

I didn’t have to wait long for Moss to move himself the foot of my cot and repositioned himself right next to me and snuggled into my arm before resting his head on my chest.

Before I even had a chance to tell him to get off of me and to sleep at the edge of the cot, Moss beat me to the punch.

“This is the warmest spot and you are not my type, just go to sleep so I can enjoy the heat you are radiating.” And like magic I just let it slide because I was tired and his logic was sound.

With a final grumbled complaint dying in my throat before it ever had a chance to be uttered I shut my eyes and start thinking of what I am going to say to my hens when I get home. Here is hoping that they don’t think that I was cheating on them with a brief fling on the frontier.

Sometime during the night I felt Moss moving in his sleep, the changeling was wiggling and shifting around until he found a much more comfortable spot on the cot before laying back down and resumed his slumber.

Unfortunately for me, that comfortable spot was right beside me as I had moved a little bit in my sleep and now Moss was cuddled right by my chest with his head resting on my throat. I can literally feel him breathing and the slight chirping squeaks every time he exhales, and here I am laying underneath him trying my best to restrain my thoughts of committing murder because he broke the one rule I placed for him.

‘Don’t kill him we still need him. Don’t kill him we still need him. Don’t kill him we still need him. Okay just a little killing him, I am sure he can live without his wings or horn.’

As my mind normalized itself and evened out I felt myself drift off back to Sleepytime Junction and was having a good dream.

And it was ruined when the same rose over the horizon and shined a concentrated beam of fuck you energy right at my face through a crack in the tent flap.

Moss and I refused to speak of the night he slept on top of me, instead we focused that energy and drive on staying alive as we trekked through the forest, although there was a few times he trotted closer to me for a brief emotional snack before trotting away. I guess this is what they meant by passive feeding, just hang out with someone emitting emotions and take a nibble or two before fucking off to do whatever they assignment they have.

At one point in our trip I was thinking I caught dysentery when I got sick and had to shit bricks in the bushes. When I came down with the sickness, Moss wanted to try some changeling home remedies although we both knew that none of it would work cause you know, I'm not a changeling and that we don't have the proper shrooms to do it with. Didn’t hurt to try but I doubt a herbal remedy of powdered mushrooms was gonna do anything to me but get me high.

Also doesn't help that Moss was indifferent to my plight.

"Get up, you are wasting our time. At this rate we will reach Griffonstone by the end of the year instead of at the end of the week." Moss says as he looks down at me while I am busy projectile spewing last nights stew.

"Blaaaaaaahk......fuck you." I said weakly as I slowly got back onto my feet, spitting out globs of leftover ex-dinner and this mornings breakfast into a bush.

As soon I was done eating lunch in reverse, a squirrel comes running out of the bush, covered in chunky food bits, and sped off into the forest.

"Oh shit...there was a squirrel in the bush...sorry buddy." I said weakly as I tried to reach out a hand to said squirrel in a way to give an apology to it.

Said squirrel turned around and looked at me before raising a paw and shook a fist at me all the while chittering in the tongue of ancient squirrel “I lay a pox upon you tall one! Wherever thee go thee shall soil thy self until thee seekers penance at the grand oak tree that has seen a thousand and one seasons!” Before scurrying away to never be seen again.

The three of us simply looked at the fleeing squirrel, wondering what it was chittering about, but whatever it was I am sure it was simply yelling at me for giving it a fresh coating of El Stew of de Fish.

"Poor tiny meal, you made it stinky." Rocky said as he nibbled on a piece of turkey jerky, not sure where he got it but he is nibbling on it.

Rolling his eyes at the diamond dogs antics and the fact that my chosen guard is one with stubby arms and legs, Moss chomps down on a dried out cave mushroom and cringes ever so slightly.

Turns out the cave mushrooms when dried out taste like absolute ass.

And not even good ass either.

"Whenever you are done expelling your last meal on the floor and feeling fit to move under your own power, let us be off lest a manticore or bugbear finds us." Moss says before devouring a second dried mushroom cap, cringing and gagging before whimpering about its freshness.

Once my body has stopped being such a punk bitch I picked myself up and rejoined with the others after they took apart our campsite father journey ahead. Our next stop was the next large hill over the horizon and I am praying that my asshole has the strength to stay shut lest I soil my trousers without a spare to swap into.

“All done?” Rocky said as he patted my back as gently as he could since he had massive salad tossing hands, but with a shaky thumbs up and me spitting leftover bile onto the soiled soil was he he received of my current status.

After that it was every hour or so of me grumbling about stomach pains and needing water, but for the most part that day and the next three were relatively calm.

Until…

Well, you’ll see.

THE NEXT DAY

Finally, I am home.

It may have taken us a month to return to Griffinstone from the frontiers edge on foot, but at the very least I am home.

Upon seeing the mountain with the colossal ancient tree off in the distance I let out a quiet squee of joy that my journey is nearly over and that I get to jump into a snuggle pile with my hens the moment I get home.

And maybe get a drink or two.

But alas we had to camp one last time as nightfall came upon us with unseen speed.

Setting up the tent with Rocky while Moss get the campfire started was our normal affair of things, but tonight was different.

Moss was setting up the tent with ease, no thanks to their access to magic from their horn which makes everything easier.

While I must admit that I may just been a teeny tiny little bit jealous that he can do magic while I can't, he has been a great help on this journey of ours and not from his speedy completion of tasks. He helped me learn more about this magic immunity of mine and see what works and what doesn't.

As it turns out I can be affected by magic, just it depends on what type of magic it is. That combat spell that Princess Luna of Equestria blasted me with simply left a blueberry stain on me, and then there was the teleportation magic that Ambrosia used on me two weeks ago. Moss used a small variety of spells to see what works and what doesn't and I found out what may be the limits of my nature.

Direct impact spells are a no-sale as Moss blasted me with a beam of green energy with no warning and the resulting shot left behind a small green stain on my shirt and it smelled like grass. Telekinesis somewhat works in a sense that I can be grabbed but it's like catching the greased up deaf guy, you can get a grip but I’d just slip right out of it. The we moved onto mental manipulation magic, that is an actual thing and it is just like how Dracula gets people, the whole ‘Look into my eyes’ shtick, but luckily for me I am not that stupid to fall for it… I think. And lastly illusion magic is hit-or-miss, like if it’s painstakingly obvious I can see through it cause of how shoddy it was made, but if it's been worked on for some time then I would have a hard time seeing through it or for what it really is.

And as for the other types of magic in the world? Well I have no idea since Moss doesn’t know those fields of the arcane but if I were to go out or hired someone who can, than it would be a boon to know what can or cannot affect me.

Rocky was starting the campfire and it just looked so comically silly because of his little arms and legs, it's almost like watching a T-Rex in action.

And as for me, I was food detail this time.

Hunting for small game was made easy thanks to the bow that was built specifically for me as the griffon ones are smaller and after breaking four of them I had to get one built just for my size. The broadhead arrows I was given are the standard for the griffon army and the thirty I have means I can lose a few and not worry too much about it.

I searched around the area near our campsite as I did not want to be ambushed and not have backup be too far away, I managed to get a snake, two rabbits, and a single beaver that was lazily floating in the river next to us. I would have gotten us fish but after the blowout of the previous week I am a tad but wary of river fish.

Returning back to camp with my prize meats I begin the ardorious process of skinning, gutting and cleaning the meats before readying it for consumption.

But to prevent me from ending this journey on a high note, the gods thought it would be hilarious as all hell to throw in one last curve ball of a fuck you at me by sending my way a parting gift of the large, scary, furry and fuzzy variety.

Upon descaling the last of the fish a roar of horrifying proportions reverberate throughout the camp, my diamond dogs wake up from their nap and hurriedly grabbed their weapons and formed a half circle around me while Moss quickly took to the air and latched onto a branch and immediately started to survey the surrounding area for the source of that roar. It didn’t take him long to identify the source as it came dive bombing through the branches and nearly crushed him if it wasn’t for his last second detaching of the branch and flew towards a neighboring tree.

When the creature slammed down into the ground it cracked the ground beneath its bulk and threw the resulting dust and dirt into the air to create a brief obscuring cloud before revealing itself in a mighty roar of dominance and power.

To my eyes it looked just like a fairly larger than average brown bear, but that was where similarities ended and the strange began. As it stood up to its full height I saw that it had an extra pair of arms ending in rather sharp-looking claws, yellow bands of fuzzy fur ringing its arms and legs along with a few stripes on its underside, a pair of insectoid antennas, wasp wings and a vicious looking stinger. I thought that this was a trick that a nearby wizard or unicorn was playing on us but I threw that errant thought away because of how stupid it sounded, but then I remembered about the discordant zones and what they can do to the local life that enters their sphere of influence. Looking closer at the beast I saw that its buggy limbs are not naturally occurring pieces of its anatomy, instead it looked more like a passing wasp was traveling with or near the bear and the two became fused together in the ensuing chaos of the zone.

Rising to its full height and extending its arms out in a display of dominance and strength, the bugbear let out another ear piercing roar before leaping into the air once more and flew right at us.

Immediately ducking down and squat running towards my tent I immediately went for the stupid fucking stick I was given by the requisitions officer.

“There is no fucking way this thing is gonna fucking work as he described it would.” I said to myself as I quickly rummaged through my pack until my hand came into contact with a thin wooden pole and immediately pulled it out.

The beastly bugbear let out another roar as I gave the pole a quick appraisal to verify that it is the charcoal stick that I was looking for, and sure enough it had the lump of burnt wood at the end of it, and just as I smiled at my lucky find my dogs let out a whimper as a body flies through my tent and lands on my cot, breaking it under his immense bulk.

“That is coming out of your paycheck.” I said as I looked at the ruined state of my cot, the wood is unsalvageable other than being used as kindling, and the sleeping bag itself has some tips and tears in it so sleeping in it is gonna suck as it won’t keep the cold out.

In total my sleeping is going to be ruined for today but at least by tomorrow I will be home and sleeping in an actual bed.

The dog in question who was yeeted from the battle and used my bed as a landing pad picked himself up and grumbled about the beast in question before looking at me in confusion.

“What’s a paycheck?” The dog said as he readjusted his bowl helmet before charging back out of the tent and let out a loud bark as a challenge to the bugbear.

“Don’t worry about it, just focus on the bear.” I said as looked at the charcoal stick and wondered how in the seven hells this little thing is supposed to work.

Coming back out of the tent I saw that the campsite is now a battlefield, the cauldron holding our stew has spilled over and is ruined, the campfire itself has been stomped out as there is a large bear foot standing in the middle of it, and there are several dogs all stabbing and poking the beast but it would appear that the spears are doing nothing to it at all.

Quickly pointing the charcoal end downward I ran towards the nearest dog and quickly drew a circle large enough around him so that he would t stumble out on accident before moving to the next one. The dogs looked down at me as if I went crazy but when one tried to step out of their safety circle I yelled at them to stay out. They did so but only begrudgingly because they were fearing for my life because I was the only one not in a circle and was now the unobstructed tie of the bugbear.

With another earsplitting roar the bugbear rose in the air before dive bombing right at me, stinger pointed right at me but I fell face first to avoid getting Fry’d. Scrambling to my knees I quickly took my stick and made a really shitty looking circle around me as both adrenaline and pants-shitting fear was coursing through my veins and as soon as I finished connecting the line the bugbear stopped flying at me and was now confused as all hell.

Hovering in place the monstrous bear started to look around the campsite, wondering where its grounded prey went, it began poking its head into the ruined tents and the overturned cauldron before letting out a roar of anger that its walking food escaped its fury.

With us gone and the area depleted of food, the bugbear let out a snort of anger and a final roar before taking to the air once more and flew off to parts unknown. Will I ever see it again? Probably, but will it remember me?

Absolutely it will, I am now considered escaped food and will make me a priority target in its future hints but that is a future Ian problem now.

As soon as we can no longer hear the bugbear buzzing wings and even longer after that to make sure that it isn’t around to start round two, we all let out a sigh of elating relief.

One of my dogs simply falls onto his back and whines that the stew was ruined and that they won’t be able to eat tonight. Naturally this causes the rest of the dogs to whimper and whine as well because it now means they have to eat the terrible trail rations they have and it’s entirely bland and flavorless meal sucks something awful. But while they were all complaining about their food situation, I was busy just staring at the circles that saved our lives and how it was even possible in the first place.

A little stick with a hunk of charcoal tied to the end of it. How it had the power to repel a vicious beast like the bugbear is beyond all comprehension.

“You have got to be fucking shitting me…”

“It would appear that the charcoal stick actually worked as intended. Who would’ve thought?”

“Shut the fuck up Moss.”

“But sir, you said it was a stupid stock that wasn’t going to do anything.”

“I said shit up.”

“But sir it clearly looks like it has done its job precisely as it was instructed to.”

“Oh my god please shut the hell up!”

“But sir! The stick worked!”

“I fucking hate you right now.”

“I know sir, but we both know that you are really just upset that a simple stick with a piece of burnt wood at the end of it was able to halt and subdue a massive apex predator of the forest when normal conventional weapons could not.”

“I fucking hate this place.”

“The ways of you surface dwellers both amaze and terrify me sir.”

“It terrifies me as well Moss, it terrifies me as well.”

And like that we let out collective sighs of relief that we are not bear chow and that home is just a few hours away. Walking with purpose in our strides and the slightest hint of emergency as we still don’t know if the bugbear is following us after we left the safety circles, but we pushed that feeling aside as the colossal oak tree is getting closer by the minute.

Our arrival at the base of the mountain tree was met with no fanfare or any fancy gathering, but when one of the guards saw us approaching and was reaching for his war horn as he thought we were an incredibly bold and stupid raiding party, but when one of my dogs pulled out the empires banner and waved it around it stalled the griffon for a brief moment. In that moment it took said griffon to squint his eyes, identify the banner my dog was waving around as one of theirs before scanning over the dogs and the pony beside me before stopping his gaze on my person.

With their leader identified as me and seeing that I was not being held hostage nor being held against my will, the griffons manning the once abandoned gatehouse ring the bell at the top, signaling those below to open the gate.

“Finally home, can’t wait to take a hot bath, a cold ale, and a bed to pass out on.” I said to nobody in particular although Rocky gave me a tilted head while Moss nudged me in the hip with a hoof.

“Hey, remember your duty. You can relax after you have delivered my queen’s letter and her terms to your king, and not a second later.” Moss said before poking me again, this time in the thigh.

Rolling my eyes at the little love eaters annoyance I simply walked right by him and marched towards the gate, knowing that the end is near.

‘Just a few more steps now, just gotta cross the threshold and I’ll never have to worry about being attacked until I get sent elsewhere.’

And it was true, as soon as I crossed the gate with my entourage of dogs and disguised changeling a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I was able to let out a sigh of relief as the fear of being mauled to death was stripped from my being. The same could be said for my cadre of pups n bug as they all visibly relaxed, Moss more-so than the others as I watched him let out a sigh of pure relief as I watched him begin to passively feed on the emotions in the air.

The disguised changeling looked elated to be back in civilization once more but with the added bonus of being able to feed without anyone knowing what he is doing. Casting a glance at the faux pony and waving at him to come on over as he was just standing in the middle of the road, he stopped feeding before hurried galloping over to me before coming to a complete stop and a weak burp.

“Sorry, was getting a little peckish and I just had to see if it was safe to feed here.” Moss said quietly as I gave him a pat on the head before walking up the overly massive spiral ramp up the mountain to the capital.

“Just don’t make it too obvious that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be able to. Now hurry up, I have two hens to reunite with and a meeting with my king.” I said as I can already start imagining what Gilda and Greta are going to say to me as soon as I open that front door.

Moss, much to my surprise cantered beside me and maneuvered his head under my hand and was trying to get me to pat him again which earned an eyebrow raise from me.

“What?”

“Just a single pat? I distracted that bee bear while your dogs were busy trying to stab it. I think I deserve more than a singular pat on the head for a job well done.” Moss said as he raised his head high while trying to look like he did some herculean task.

All he did was distract a giant bug bear from killing us all…and served as a blanket for me during the cold nights…totally no homo, he was just sleeping on top of me a bit and the warmth he was generating helped keep me warm and I fed him. It was a simple exchange of services that benefited the both of us.

Oh you can keep telling yourself that lover boy, but we all know you wanna know what it would be like to take one of them to poundtown!

‘Damn it Eris, I do not want to fuck a bug! What is wrong with you? Go back to horny jail!’

I swear one of these days that girl is gonna give me an aneurism and it she will have nobody to blame but herself.

With that errant thought purged from my brain I can now focus on the current daunting task at hand, walking up the mountain.

The walk up the mountain was a slow one but each step was filled with peace of mind and serenity as I knew that I was safe n sound, it was also filled with aches and pain because walking on a ten degree angle for the greater part of four hours while carrying a loaded backpack and wearing armor is one way to get exhausted and blisters on your feet. There was one part of me pondering if I should invoke my authority as alpha to have my dogs carry me up the mountain, but I am not that level of douche to order such a thing.

I may be an asshole but I have not got that degree of asshole to warrant such laziness.

“Hey look who it is!” A loud scratchy voice shouted from up high and before I could even look up to see who it was, a furry comet slammed into me and immediately buried me into the ground with an ‘oomph’.

Now, normally I would’ve been prepared to be talked by any of my fuzzy feline bird companions and friends as more than often they would yeet themselves at me because of how nice of a person I am to them, but only two of them go up and beyond in the yeeting department.

The first one is Gilda when she is in one of her needy moods.

The other…

“Gabby! What have I told you about turning yourself into a fluffy missile and shooting yourself at me like that?” I asked the little blueish-gray chick laying on top of me and nuzzling under my neck as she purrs ungodly loud for all to hear.

The reason why she is so friendly and touchy-feely with me?

It is because that when I first started my training as a knight all those months ago, I was on my way to the castle for yet another round of getting my ass thoroughly handed to me by my instructor when I came across the young chick delivering mail. I was heading towards the castle, she was heading towards a noble's manor which also just so happened to be in the same direction I was walking in, and from there the two of us were talking about each other. Normally it would have taken me a couple of minutes to reach the castle from Gilda's home but when we started talking, we started to talk longer routes to our destination and even went off course from the castle and instead finished her delivery route before realizing what we have done. We simply talked about our lives, how things have been going on, how life been treating us, you know just shooting the shit.

Naturally this resulted in me getting my shit pushed in hard by my instructor for being three hours late, but I would like to say that it was worth it. Making a new friend is always worth it, especially when it allows you to slack off and relax-n-unwind after a shitshow of a day.

After that its been a somewhat normal routine for me, I go to the castle, talk to Gabby as we walk there, we split after reaching said castle, and repeat when I leave the castle covered in fresh bruises and she leaving the post office with a smile on her beak and some pep in her step. Seriously, Gabby must be perpetually high on life or just can never be in a foul mood cause this girl is always happy.

Like, ALWAYS happy.

Anyways...

"But it is so fun! Everygriff loves my flying tackle hugs! And you will too!" Gabby says as she sits up and is smiling at me while I just roll my eyes at her. I think I felt my spine crack this time around.

One of these days this hen is gonna be the death of me by purely accidental means.

"Um, sir? Is this hen bothering you?" Moss said as he between me and Gabby, wondering if he should do something or to just stand there and be a passive bystander.

"It's alright Moss, this little hen is Gabby, she is the local mail delivery griffon, and she does a damn fine job at it. She is also Griffonstone's local gossip collector so if you ever need to hear whatever is juicy in the city, you go to her for it." I said as I still laid there on the ground, waiting for Gabby to get off of me, but she refused to budge as she was beaming at my compliments.

"And don't you forget it mister! Oh I got so much to tell you while you were off to Boreas knows where! So much has been going on within the city after you left!" Gabby said as she finally decided to get off of me and took back to the sky and was now hovering beside me and my group.

"I would love to listen to all of it Gabby, but right now I just want to go home, snuggle with Gilda and Greta, and pass the hell out and wake up a day or two later. I am so exhausted that I fear that I just may fall asleep right here right now." I said as I tried to convey the message to Gabby that I was not in the mood for juicy gossip columns and silly griffon shenanigans.

Sensing that I did not want to hear the latest in griffon gab, the young hen relented and landed near me.

"Well, just know that I am happy that you are back! I am sure that Grandpa Gruff is also gonna be happy as well to know that his favorite customer is still alive and well is probably has another adventure lined up! I bet he has just the thing you will need for your future trip!" Gabby said with excitement lined in her words, she is the very definition of manic pixie girl if I have ever seen one.

"I bet he is Gabby, just let him know that I am back and if he still available for poker night?"

"Can do! And should I tell the two G's that your home?"

"Nope, I can do that myself." I said this with a hint of mirth in my voice, I wanted this to be a surprise and I did not want Gabby to spoil it.

"Okay, well, I will see you later!" And like that the young hen took to the skies before darting towards Grandpa's little adventurer emporium.

Turning to my group I first led my dogs to the nearby tavern that I used to stay in and when I got there I rented out four rooms for my dogs and I gave them the explicit instruction to not ruin nor destroy the room, and to be nice to the proprietors of said tavern. They took the instructions in stride although they were confused as to why they couldn't make a mess of the room, how else were they going to make themselves comfortable on the bed by not tearing up the bedding and sheets into a nice little circular bed basket?

And as for Moss, well...

He had to follow me back home before heading to the castle so he got to see first-hand experience of me showing my hens some affection and lovies. I Just hope he doesn't try and overindulge his hunger and become a corpulent fat roly-poly for his troubles and blow his cover.

The jaunt towards Casa Griffon was a brisk one, my home hasn't changed one bit over the months and I am happy that it didn't because I would be a tad worried if it did.

What did have me worried however was how quiet it was.

And something else I can't quite put my finger on.

Walking up to my front door I took out my house key and inserted it into the lock, and with a quick turn and a slight push the front door gently slid open and revealed to me an empty foyer and a silent house.

'Are they out at the moment?'

Taking a tentative step into the foyer I noticed something, or in this case, a few somethings.

Firstly that there was a stack of letters on the table, my guess addressed to either me or Greta and neither of us opened them, so that is odd that Greta would have opened hers before taking them to her room.

Secondly is that the house smells...a little off, like as if someone has thrown some sugary cinnamon mixed with ginger spice into the air and it just hung there, and it never faded after who knows how long.

And thirdly, the house is quiet and it makes me nervous like hell.

"Hello!? Is anyone home?" I shouted for all to hear, hoping that one of them was home.

What came next will forever scar my soul, haunt my dreams and shatter my nightmares.

First came the happy hawk screeches coming from the upper floor of the house before the sound of rapidly flapping wings coming my way that was immediately followed by me being slammed into the ground by two griffons.

And the smell from when I first stepped into my home was magnified by a factor of ten.

Standing above me with pin-pricked eyes and very fluffy fur and feathers, their beaks incredibly flustered and I can see sweat on their fur. Hell, even their wings were on full display and I can hear their tails flicking back and forth.

Wait...I think I read this somewhere in a book that I have found.

Dilated eyes, sweaty bodies, incredibly powerful scent, fully extended wings and flicking tails...

Oh no...

Oh god help me.

"Uh...hi? Gilda...Greta...do you wanna...maybe get off of me?" I asked my hens with trepidation in my voice as I realized that my hens are deep into their heat cycle and that I am now at their mercy.

A mercy that they will not grant me any reprieve from.

The two heard my words and looked at each other for the briefest of moments, grinned widely, and with matching deep-throated chuckles that sent shivers down my spine and my skin to pale, they both turned to look at me and I saw the true faces of terror.

"Oh Ian, we have been waiting for you and we have a surprise for you!" Greta and Gilda said at the exact same time, both of them tracing little circles on my chest as my brain put all the pieces together and too little too late that I was a doomed man.

A dead man but one that will die happy.

Happy and completely drained of all fluids.

"No please!" I said with my hands raised as I quickly turned around and tried to crawl away from the pair of ungodly horny and needy hens as they giggled at my rather pathetic attempts to flee before grabbing me by the ankles right when I got to the doorway and fell down on top of the doormat.

Moss stood there, unsure of what was going on until he took a whiff and took a step back, knowing what was about to transpire within my household.

"I want to live!" I shouted from the door way as I reached out a hand at Moss, hoping my changeling companion would be the hero I needed at this most pivotal and dire hour.

Instead he stood there, horror and shame on his face as he knew what was about to happen, and was allowing it to happen to feed himself.

Little fucking traitor, hope you get love diabetes.

"I WANT TO LIVE!" I shouted one last time as the front door slams shut, sealing my fate and damning me to a fate worse than death itself.

Death...by Snu-Snu!

I am stuck in Walmart Hell, send help.