“So, Mrs. Cake is it? I’m afraid you were too paralyzed to give me your name earlier.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly the most common sight.” she says, looking much calmer this time around.

“I agree completely, after all, I am quite stunning to look at.” I stick out my chest to improve my ‘stunningness’. Stunningness is now a word if it wasn’t before.

She shrugs. “I suppose that’s one way to see it.”

“So, who’s Mr. Cake? Let me guess, he’s got a giant cherry for a hat.”

“Um, no. I suppose he should meet you before the party starts though.” Mrs. Cake disappears into the back room once more. After a few moments, a skinny yellow pony comes out. Given the look he has on his face when he sees me, I think he’s going to pull an ostrich and bury his head in the ground.

He shifts in place, leaning his head toward Pinkie. “C- can it speak?”

I decide to reply for Pinkie as I rest my folded arms on the counter. “Why yes I can. Is there any particular topic you’d like me to address, horseface?”

“Uh. No, not really...” he says, nervously.

After a while, the party is set up, and thanks to my height, we got all sorts of banners and such put up rather quickly. In fact, it was still ten minutes before anyone was supposed to show up, but Pinkie assured me that when she throws a party, lots of ponies show up early.

And as we were chilling in the back with a plate of chocolate cupcakes, the bell above the door rings, signifying someone’s presence. I learn that Mrs. Cake wouldn’t be the only pony I’d meet again at this little gathering. It’s that purple-whatever mare I dropped the brats on earlier.

“Hey look, it’s fishface.” I call out, waving to her.

This mare is special. When she sees me, all she does is do a double-take. She walks up to me and holds her hoof up. “I’m afraid we didn’t get properly introduced, Mr...”

“Anthony” I take her hoof and shake it.

“I’m Cheerilee, the schoolteacher.” she says, with a polite nod.

“Those brats seemed to know you.” I say, annoyed at thinking about those kids again.

“Yes, they were some of my students.”

“Maybe you should teach them that if they see something sleeping, they shouldn’t poke it with a stick.”

“Oh my, I’m sorry.” she gives me an apologetic smile. “Please understand that they’re just curious, you are quite... interesting.”

“I suppose.” Cheerilee sat down with us and Pinkie turns to me.

“Wow Anthony,” she says, looking between me and the teacher. “How many other ponies do you know?”

“Other than the rest of your friends, none. I only met these two today.” Speaking of her friends, Rainbow Dash and Applejack walk in. I look at the two. “Well, this is interesting, I wouldn’t expect the proud Rainbow Dash to come to my welcome party.”

“I’m here ‘cause Pinkie’s throwing it.” she says, crossing her hooves over her chest and

“It seems that a lot of ponies like Pinkie’s parties.”

“Think of this as your Ponyville Initiation Ritual.” Dash says, somberly.

“Initiation?” What kind of initiation involves cake and streamers?

“Yeah!” Pinkie says, popping up out of my peripheral vision, “I do this for everypony who visits Ponyville for the first time! Then you can meet all sorts of ponies and they can all meet you! Isn’t it great!?”

“Yeah. So where’s Twilight? I’m sure she’s finally woken up by now.”

Rainbow answered my question. “Eh, Twi doesn’t show up early. She always arrives right on time, even though she knows she doesn’t have to. Same with Rarity.”

“And Fluttershy?”

“She’ll probably show up, but don’t expect it to be in a large crowd.”

“Lives up to her name, huh?”

She nods. “Since we met at flight camp.”

The party has started, and each new pony spent their first two minutes staring at me like I was going to eat them. Here comes one now. A blue unicorn with a blue and white mane. Pinkie does her usual introduction. “Minuette, this is Anthony! This party is for him!”

Minuette stares at me like everypony else. I decide to spice her day up a little more.

“Rawr.” I bare my teeth, making sure she can see my canines. I swear, she almost screamed. These ponies are way too easy it’s not even fun. “Pinkie, can I go back to the library now?”

“Why? There’s so many ponies that need to meet you!”

“Exactly my reason to want to leave...”

“Aww come on, they just need to get used to you!”

I stopped caring about their names, and now I just mentally refer to them as the tattoos on their rears.

There’s iTunes, Save-the-Dolphins, Candy-ass, Grandpa’s Watch, Fruit Salad, First Aid... geez there are a lot of these damn horses.

I’m struck by an idea. “Hey Pinkie, how about I introduce myself to everyone at once?”

“*GASP* That’s a great idea! But how do we do it?”

“Easy.” I stand up and walk outside, and grow until I’m twice as tall as Sugarcube Corner.

Now that my huge form blocks out the sun, I get everyone’s attention rather quick.”Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’m a human. This party is for me. Moderately pleasant to meet you all. Bye.”

I shrink back down and walk through the crowd of fish-mouthed horses. There’s so many I have to push a few away. Eventually I get to the library and sit down to read. Something seems off. When I look out the window, almost all the ponies in town are standing outside talking to each other. Damnit. With a sigh I get up and head out the door.

“What do you rubberneckers want?” Suddenly they are all talking at once. I can’t tell what any of them are saying. “Shut uuuuuup!”

Oh sweet silence, I love you. “Alright, I’ll answer five questions, if a question is too similar to a previous one, I’ll ignore it and you lose your chance. You have ten minutes to decide what you want to ask me.”

Sounds of agreement spread throughout the crowd and I leave them to their debate. Suddenly, Twilight is in front of me, having teleported inside. “Why is the majority of the town outside the library?”

“Take a guess, genius.”

Twilight rolls her eyes. “Okay, point taken, but what is going on?”

“Ask them.”

“Fine, I will.” Twilight relents and heads out the door, sighing. She comes back out a few moments later. “What’s this about questions?”

“I said I’ll answer five questions, and that they must agree on what to ask me.” I look at a clock. “They have five minutes.”

“And why did you say you’d eat anypony who asked a stupid question?”

“I didn’t. They’re freaking out.”

“Well, tell them that!” Twi demands, vehemently.

“I don’t care what they think. You do it.”

Twilight sighs again, but stays inside. Once the ten minutes are up, I open the door and stand in front of the mass of equine annoyances. “Alright, what do you want to ask?”

A hoof is raised. “Yes, the yellow one with the carrots on her butt?”

“What did you say!?”

“I said you’re yellow and have a lame tattoo. Four more questions.”

The crowd groans. No more hooves, just voices. “What are you?”

“A human, I told you earlier. Three left.”

“What do you eat?”

“Anything I consider food. Two questions.”

“Why are you here?”

“I have no idea. One question left, choose well.”

I was not prepared for the next question. I couldn’t be.

“What’s the difference between chopped beets and pea soup?”

I burst out laughing. Oh god, that was absolutely priceless! At this point I’m on the floor, holding my stomach, laughing like a madman. Eventually I stand back up, still panting and chuckling. “Heh... heh... o- okay. I’ll do it. Anyone can chop beets...”

The same pony who asked the question replies at the top of her lungs. “But nopony can pee soup!”

I run out into the crowd and find the pony, and give the little filly a high five. Well, for me, it’s more of a low five, but the effect is the same.

I pick up the tiny pony, a small light-orange filly with purple eyes, and a mane a shade darker than her coat.

“What’s your name little girl?”

“Noi!”

“Aren’t you just adorable?” I hold her in my arm and tickle her. That laugh is totally addictive. I hold her above my head like that one scene from Lion King and make my first public declaration. “Noi is best pony!” She is laughing again. I place her on my head and run off, she is now chanting for me to “Go faster!”

The rest of the town just stares at me. Suddenly, I hear the call of the common Killjoy. “Noi, young filly, get back here now!”

“Five more minutes, mom!”

“Now! Don’t make me start counting!” Mom voice wins out, as always.

“Awwww...”

I set Noi down on the ground, and she runs off to her mother. “Bye Anthony!”
That was the best thing ever. Too bad she doesn’t know my real name, but I’m not too sure I should reveal that bit of info to anyone just yet.

“Are you insane!?” Twilight yelled at me as soon as I get back inside the library.

“Most likely.” I freely admit I might be insane, though I’ve never been formally diagnosed.

“Well you... what?”

“I agreed with you. I sure ain’t normal.” Unless you count ADHD as normal, but probably not, Pinkie seems like a special case around here.

“That’s an understatement.”

“Yep.” I pat Twilight on the head and sit back down with my book.

“And... and what do you call what happened out there?”

“Hmmm... Fun, I think I’ll call it fun.”

“Spike, take a letter!” Spike ran into the room, already armed with a quill and parchment. Twilight proceeded to dictate her message. “Dear Princess Celestia, please find a way to get rid of this stupid monkey as soon as you can, I fear my sanity and that of Ponyville may be on the line. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” When Spike is finished, he rolls up the parchment and ignites it with green fire breath.

“Riveting story.”

“Bite me.”

I bare my teeth. “Where do you want it?”

She doesn’t respond, at least that’s what I think. She walks up to me and turns around. “What, you want me to bite your ass? Kink-Ooooooooohohohohohooooo”

I fall on the ground, my legs not able to hold me up. So much pain... I gingerly hold my ‘vulnerables’ as Twilight just steps over me. “Spike, I’m going to make some tea, would you like to join me?”

Spike just gives me an apologetic look and calls back. “Uh, no... I’m good.”

“Suit yourself. Anthony?”

“Y- yes...?” I swear my voice is an octave higher.

“Don’t mess with me.”

“Understood...”

It’s the next morning, and I wake up. I slept in the same place as before, the grassy area by the schoolhouse. When I wake up, I realise Cheerilee actually doesn’t mind, as there’s a note on my chest that says “Do not touch or wake. Miss Cheerilee.”

Suddenly, a flash of light. I turn towards it, and a very skinny beige pegasus kid is flying away. I don’t know what he did, but I’m sure I don’t like it.

He’s actually a good flier, pretty fast. I’m not gonna lose to a kid. I pour on the speed, and leap up, grabbing him by the leg and drag him down. I’m now kneeling over him. He gets one look at me and absolutely loses it. He squirms away and beats it as fast as he can.

I look down and see a camera. So that’s the flash... wait. I look at my reflection in the lens. It’s a bit curvy, but I’m all glowy and blue again. Cool.

I head back to the schoolhouse and knock on the door. Cheerilee answers. “Oh, hello Anthony, did you sleep we-”

She stops when she sees the stern look on my face. “You need to get leashes for these punks.”

I hand her the camera. the strap is broken, but the camera itself isn’t damaged. “Oh my...” she looks more disappointed than angry, so I’m in the clear. “I expect Featherweight will be coming back for this...”

I turn to leave. “You tell the shutterbug that he can keep the negatives, but if he tries this again, he’s going to need a new camera.”

“Uh...”

“And if I end up in a newspaper, I’m gonna find his darkroom and wreck it.”

Now she looks taken aback. “O- okay...”

I’m back at the library. This time, Twilight is actually fully awake. “Hey nerd, get your notebook, I got something to show you.”

“What did you call me?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

I’m about to repeat my ‘nerd’ comment but my still aching family jewels tell me to hold off for a bit. I roll my eyes. “Twilight.”

“That’s what I thought.” she says, smiling primly. “Now what is it?”

“Well, let’s just say I was running, and then I started glowing again.”

“Really!?” That got her excited.

“Yeah. I just wanted to go faster and... I spark up.”

“You what?”

I shrug. “Hey, it’s gotta have a cool name.”

“Fine. I need to see this.” she pauses, then, “Oh, wait, let me get something else.” She comes back with a sort of tiny windmill with a gauge on it. Weird. “So, we’re going to see just how fast you can go.”

“With that device?”

“An anemometer”

“Gesundheit.”

Her eyes roll. “Shut up.”

Soon, we come to a lake. Twilight sets up her anemometer and has a stopwatch around her neck. “I’m going to need you to run a few laps, okay?”

“Fine with me, I guess.” more shrugs, but it’s really not that big a deal. “I don’t have anything better to do.”

“I know.” she says, nodding.

I’m a bit surprised by the almost-rude implications of her comment, but then I feel accomplished that I’m starting to ‘get’ to her. “I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Just run.” she says, staring down at the device, not at me.

I get myself ready. I haven’t run laps since PE in high school. Let’s do this. “Ready... Go!” I take off. I’m going really fast. Not much faster than I usually am though. I focus on when I was chasing that kid. The need to go fast. To outpace the wind under his wings... to spark.

Suddenly, I feel it. I feel the wind pushing back, denying me. I don’t listen. Then, another sensation. As if something lights up inside me, and then, like my body just made a complete speed transition, I slingshot forward. I’m probably glowing. I’m not going to check. Gotta focus. Keep going. Faster. Faster. Faster. I feel lighter than air. As if the world has stopped resisting. No constraints, I’ve broken out. I feel free. I see Twilight. I can’t believe I’ve already made a lap, it couldn’t have been even two seconds. Or was it? I don’t know. The speed feels good.

“Stoooooooop!!!”

I’m startled, I lose focus. No. I can’t. Keep control, just, no. It’s slipping. The wind gets its revenge, I’m slingshotted backwards, thrown head over heels, flipping backwards. Once... twice... before I complete the third I slow down and just start tumbling across the ground backwards.

“Woah... that was... incredible...” Twilight says, eyes still glued to the machine, not me.

“I know... wow, out of breath... But.” I’m out of breath, but it feels worth it. “Felt so good, like... I was unmatched...”

“You might be, actually. You broke the anemometer!”

I sit bolt upright, shocked. “Huh?”

“This is supposed to gauge how fast you were going based on the wind speed you generate as you pass. You passed it once and it just... broke.”

“Dang.” I pause. I don’t want to sound stupid, but... “What’s that mean?”

“You can run faster than just about anything recorded.” she says, looking at me with... wonderment?

“Woah, this is heavy.”

She sits back on her haunches, looking a bit dazed. “Yeah.”

I grin. “We’re gonna have to call Rainbow Dash ‘Green Dash’ when she sees me. She’s gonna be so jealous she might change color.”

“I’m not so sure. I’ve never been able to test her upper limit either, so she might still be faster. From the air, at least.”

“All I know is that speed is good... so good.” I fall flat back onto the ground, enjoying the last bits of my speed-induced high. My ‘rush’ as it were.

“I think Rainbow would finally agree with you on something, then.” Twilight chuckles.

I’m still at the track. Twilight’s left. Her stopwatch was useless. Once I really start Sparking, I can finish two laps in half a second. The speed is incredible. I love it. Nothing can stop me... I decide to leave the track. Nothing can keep me from moving. This freedom, it’s like a drug. My mind is clear. I just need to move. I stick my arms out behind me, and I feel like I’m flying. I don’t even feel my feet touch the ground, like I’m lighter than air. I rule the wind...

Wait. I’m stopped. I’m not moving forward. Pain. There is pain. I shake my head and I see that I’ve crashed into none other than Rainbow Dash.

“Ooowowowowowow... Jeez, watch where you’re going!”

“Woah...”

“What’s your dama- Anthony?”

“You stopped me.”

“Excuse me? You were in my way!”

“Why’d you crash anyway?”

“I dunno, I was flying low to the ground, and then I saw something bright and I couldn’t see. Now I’m crashed into you!”

“No.”

“Huh? No, what?”

“No arguing. We settle this. We determine who stopped who.”

“I don’t get it. How do we do that?”

“Whoever is the slower one was the obstruction.” I turn to look her in the eyes. “Don’t you agree?”

I see the fire in her eyes, the determination of a competitor, a daredevil being challenged. “Of course.”

“What’s the challenge?”

She thinks for a moment. “...standard race rules. Three laps. First to finish the third lap first wins. Stay in your lane and no physically interfering with the other racer. Deal?”

“Deal!”

“You ready?”

“Of course. Loser has to admit their inferiority in front of all of Ponyville... while they paint themselves yellow.” I say, setting the bet we’ll be fighting for.

“That’s harsh, dude.”

“If you can’t handle the stakes-”

“You’re on!”

She spits onto her hoof and I do the same with my palm, and we shake on it. The shake turns into an arm wrestle. I try as hard as I can, and I can tell she’s doing the same. I grin. “You didn’t mention any penalties for head starts.”

“Huh?”

I pull away from her hoof and she tumbles forward while I rush onto the track. She’s chasing after me now. But there’s still some distance between us, though she’s closing it quickly. “No fair!” She yells at me.

“All’s fair in love and war, sexy.”

“What?”

That confused her, I take the chance to work on my Spark. “You cheating bastard!”

“Takes one to know one!”

“I’m not cheating!”

“Wasn’t what I was referring to!”

It takes a moment for her to register what I meant by that but when it does, “You got a death wish!?”

“Of course, but so far nobody’s gonna fulfill it!” I charge forward. She’s still moving faster though. We’ve mostly been neck-and-neck. I need to do this, beat her. I feel the spark. We’re coming up on the end of the first lap. Perfect.

“Wh- what? The glow... that was you!?”

By the time I hear it I’m too far away to respond. I’m going to do this. I’m going to become the champion! The fastest! Faster than Rainbow Dash! After about a minute of not seeing Rainbow Dash come up to my side, I feel assured. No way she could make it up now. She might as well- What?

Behind me I hear a sound. It doesn’t register, I have to keep moving. Suddenly I can’t see! My vision is blocked by a brilliant, multi-hued light. It continues forward and I can see again. Rainbow Dash? She’s not even visible, obscured by a shimmering stretch of rainbow. I try and move faster, but I can’t even seem to get closer. Her speed is still increasing, like what I’m seeing is just a blur, a remnant of where she used to be. This is incredible... I can’t win.

I slow down and eventually come to a stop. I head back to the finish line, and once Rainbow Dash realises what I’ve done, she slows down as well, but she keeps going. She crosses the line, now at a more believable, but still incredible speed. “Looks like I need to buy some paint.”

“Heh. That was pretty cool what you did back there with the glowing.”

“Yeah, sure, what was that thing you did? It was like you were moving faster than I could see.”

“It’s called a Sonic Rainboom!” Rainbow puffs her chest up and pumps a hoof in the air to punctuate the ‘boom’ syllable.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m the only one who can do it.” The puffiness increases.

“Wow.”

“So, when do I get my prize?” She says, a cocky tone to her voice.

“Tomorrow. I’ll get Pinkie to gather everyone at the town hall. Once I’m onstage, I’ll do it.”

“This is gonna be so awesome.”

“You cheeky bastard.” We both grin and share a hoof/fist bump and we go our separate ways. Now where do I get paint?