I wake up and note through my headache that I’m just barely dressed, only wearing my socks and underwear. And Pinkie now fully on top of me from her earlier position.

I sigh and groan as I reach for my shirt. “I really hope this isn’t what it looks like.”

“Shame.” Cadence says, looking up and grinning widely. “I’d love to have some pictures if it is.”

Pinkie snuggles more atop me, legs on either side of my hips as she uses one of her forelegs as a pillow of sorts. I realize she’s kinda drooling on me a little, and that said drool has been there long enough it’s the same temperature as me.

I just hope those are the only fluids that have been ‘traded’ here. I shake Pinkie’s free foreleg to wake her up, but she just keeps on snoring and wraps a hoof around my hand.

“D’awwwwww.” Cadence grins as she looks at us. “You two are just so cute... and here I am without a camera. I knew I forgot something when we came here.”

Twilight, now also awake, takes one look at me and turns around, face red as a firetruck.

“Chill, nothing happened... I hope.”

“You know, the first time Shining and I ended up like that, you know what my first thought was?”

I roll my eyes. “I get the feeling you’re going to tell me anyways.”

She smiled. “I wondered what our children would look like.”

I pick Pinkie up and deposit her on the ground next to me. “Oh no, no way. I am not gonna be a dad. Not on your life.” I grab my clothes and hastily get dressed. Luckily it seems that snuggling was really as far as last night went. ”Either way, I say we find where the Gate is and head there now. We’re lucky to have not been messed with in our sleep.”

Cadence just sighs. “Okay, serious talk then. You need a mare, badly. If that’s how you react to waking up with a nice mare like Pinkie, and you’re straight of course, there’s a problem.”

“Look, I just don’t want to have any complicated friendships. And I have a potential girlfriend anyways. I’d rather be with her than Pinkie.”

“Oh come on... you can have more than one mare, right? I’m sure Pinkie’d love to-”

“I am not a polygamist. The way I see it, there’s gotta be only one girl for me and right now that’s turning out to be Myrna.”

Twilight steps in to... sort of defend me. Well, more like explain me. “Humans are monogamous by nature, it’s just how they work since the male to female ratio isn’t as drastic. I was hoping that Anthony would grow out of this silly notion that he’s still bound by his home culture but considering he convinced us to play a drinking game, I’m worried his human culture will rub off on impressionable youths. He’s already made an impact on the children around Ponyville.”

Cadence pouts cutely. “That’s no fun. Heck, I wouldn’t be mad if Shining found another mare.”

“Well if I were him I’d be happy with what I had and not act like I needed another chick in order to feel ‘complete’. Or whatever reason he’d have.”

“Mmm... maybe that cute maid that got assigned to my room on Wednesdays...” Cadence muses, making Twilight blush harder than ever before. “Or the Zebrican ambassador. That rear...”

“Whatever, love-bug I’m gonna get us out of here, you can dislike my lovelife choices all you want but keep it to yourself.”

“Oh fine...” She relents, rolling her eyes.

Pinkie wakes up around this point and gets up on her hooves, “So we got away from the Jabberwocky, right?”

“Seems like it.” I reply. “Considering we’re not eaten right now. So Twilight, can you find the gate with that locator spell again?”

“Maybe if you stopped yelling...” She mutters, and begins to charge her horn, the wireframe forming slower than before.

“Heh, first hangover.” Cadence says, rubbing Twilight’s head like a parent. “It’ll pass... I remember my first time getting drunk.”

“Save the stories for later, I just wanna get home and sleep in a real bed without worrying that I might get killed or transformed.”

“Agreed.” Twilight says, finishing the spell.

The compass spins slowly before resting on a direction. I yawn and stretch before beginning to follow where the compass points. “So can this thing tell us how far it is, or do we just follow it until we get there?”

“Just follow it until we get there.” She says, and sighs, rubbing her head before heading along as well. The silence is a bit boring, but I have to agree with Twilight in that it sort of sounds like everything is too loud. We just keep walking forward, the compass never really changing directions which I suppose is a good sign that we’re headed in the right direction but it’s also so stationary that, were it tech and not magic, I’d imagine it was broken.

“So, before the Jerrymander attacked, what crazy adventure did you and Cadence have?” I ask Pinkie who seems to have made a pretty full recovery. If she’s suffering from any hangover effects, she’s not showing them.

“Well, I wandered around after leaving my Granny’s house, and then I went to see if some of my favorite places are still there; I only got to visit once in a long time, and then I moved to Ponyville, and didn’t get to visit at all anymore. I mean, it’s pretty great around Wunderland if you know all the tricks, and Granny Pie taught me not to be afraid and that’s number one. Well, number two right after ‘don’t eat anything a stranger gives you unless you’re starving because the alternative isn’t worth it otherwise.’ Granny Pie has a lot of practical advice when she wants to.”

“She met up with me in a mushroom forest; I’m not sure which one because it kept changing colors. We met the Tweedle Twins, and escaped without a headache or injury, and discovered a pond that I think connects to alternate versions of Wunderland... Our reflections looked like humans.”

“Interesting...” I muse. “I assume you didn’t try to get in the water?”

“Oh Tartarus no!” Cadence says. “Neither of us had ever heard of it before, so there’s no telling what it could do.”

“Smart. I woke up near a bunch of flowers that were attacking Twilight who had been shrunken. Then we met a caterpillar who told us to find a different caterpillar and we got attacked by Jubjub birds and it just goes downhill from there.”

“Aww, I wish I coulda met the JubJub birds! My Granny Pie keeps a whole flock of them for their feathers; they’re super-well behaved.”

“Well behaved?” Twilight mutters. “Tell that to the ones we met, they tried to kill us.”

I agree and take out the feathers in my pocket and pass one to Cadence. “I had to deal with them.”

Cadence gasps at the feather, holding it in her magical grasp. “Oh, these’re so valuable!” She says, and goes to tuck it into her hair, before stopping to give me a look in askance.

“Hey, it was kill or be killed. And I figured I might as well take some. They aren’t using them anymore.”

“May I have one?” Cadence asks, giving me eyes that’re wide and watery, the perfect puppy dog eyes. And unlike with the Crusaders, I don’t fear the results of her getting ahold of one of these.

“Sure.” I readjust the feather in her hair to be straighter. “I got a few more. I’ll probably keep them as souvenirs.”

“Well, they are also useful in a couple of different potions, including a Silence potion. They sell really well... they’re also very good for pillows. They never poke through the fabric.”

“Well if we come across another bunch of Jubjub birds, I’ll skin them the best I can and we may even find out what they taste like.”

“Okay, that’s disgusting.” Twilight says. “I understand the idea of killing before you’re killed but... plucking and eating them? That’s just cruel!”

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out here in Wunderland. And you can’t deny that you’re at least a little curious.”

Twilight glares at me. “If you weren’t right I’d be very upset.”

Of course it’s that curiosity that makes her dangerous, as much as it benefits me. Either way we continue on, and we don’t end up finding any more Jubjub birds. Seems I scared them off. “But if they really are that expensive I really do think I could come back here some time and get some. The only real problem would be finding them as I already know how to beat them relatively easily.”

“Yes, they won’t move if there’s no noises, so they fill their little groves with dead trees and sticks to make it easier.” Pinkie says. “But if you raise them from little eggs, and do so in your own home, they’ll keep your house as their grove, and protect that. Granny Pie raises enough of them that the whole Gate camp is in their grove.” She continues.

I nod and we continue to follow the compass in silence. Trudging along, we move out of the forest after an hour or two, and find ourselves in a wide, grassy plains with sparse trees, each looking rather odd. In fact, they look almost like they’re upside down, mostly the fact that there’s no leaves on their branches, and each splits two or three times before hitting the ground. I figure that if something is going to stop us again, this would be the time and place, so I just keep walking, expecting yet another ‘whimsical’ interruption.

A moment later and I’m being grabbed by Twilight and Cadence’s magic, having just fallen up towards the empty sky, gravity having decided this is a good place to work in reverse.

“Anthony, are you okay?” Twilight asks as I kneel on the ground, extreme vertigo running through my system thanks to the chaotically rearranged gravity I just experienced. I’m a little nauseous, actually.

“I will be once we get through this. Honestly, this place is starting to border on being downright infuriating.” I explain as I stand up, attempting to get my balance back. I’m serious, if it’s not one thing it’s another and my patience is wearing thin.

“Well, it did come with a rather large book of dangers...” Twilight begins, but I silence her with a hand.

“I get it, Wunderland isn’t half as great as my rosy glasses led me to believe.” I grumble, steadying myself so I can stand up. “Now let’s find a way around this... upside-down place.” Unfortunately, the compass just keeps pointing across the potentially-lethal expanse as we work our way around, skirting the edge of the plains until we come to a familiar expanse of cracked earth and deep gulfs, a stream of water falling up the side of the nearest canyon and flowing into the air over the plains. Once the spectacle’s oddity wears off it’s really not anything special, and I realize we’re back in the area I had to get through to find the yellow caterpillar. “And we just went in a giant circle... of course.”

“Really? Because I’ve never been here.” Pinkie says, looking around. “Wooow... look at all the floaty things!” She bounces at the edge of the cliff, garnering concerned looks from all of us, as nobody is sure how sturdy the edge actually is.

“I’ll admit I haven’t been here before, but it sounds like you have, Anthony.” Cadence says.

“Yes, we travelled through here while we looked for the Yellow Caterpillar.” Twilight explains looking around. “This is... much less impressive than I remember. Of course, I was only a few inches tall at the time.” She says.

“Yeah, so we just keep following the compass until we get to the Gate. Just don’t let the gravitational changes get to you. Don’t think too hard and they aren’t a big issue.”

“Don’t think too hard? When has that been a problem for anypony here but Twilight?” Pinkie asks.

I pause. I’m not sure if that’s an insult, but “I feel like I should be insulted...”

Twilight blinks and looks over. “I think I have to agree with you Anthony...”

“Either way let’s just get out of here. So far the most dangerous creature in this area has already been dealt with. Again, by me. You’re welcome.”

“Why do you always expect we’d thank you for killing things?” Twilight asks cautiously.

“Because I’m also saving your lives, and considering I don’t hear many thanks, I just imagine that you are thanking me anyways. Makes me feel actually appreciated for my skills.”

Twilight and Pinkie both roll their eyes, but Cadence pats me on the back gently with a wing. She leans over and whispers a ‘thank you’ in my ear, an action that makes me feel inexplicably flustered. Man, I hope this doesn’t make getting across this place awkward.

Still, I am right in that I’ve saved all of us once and Twilight a total of four times since coming here. Sure she didn’t have to be... whatever about it, but Cadence at least gave me what I need to feel appreciated. Of course the fact that I had to fish for it in the first place makes it a bit less genuine.

We work our way out into the wonky gravity area, and maneuver pretty easily with Cadence’s help; it’s good to have someone with wings this time; it makes last-minute course corrections so much easier. Of course, once we’re on the other side, we find that the compass is more or less pointing back across the chasm, and we’re forced to make our way around until we get to a series of cliffs. All of them are insanely tall, and are made of strange, horizontal bulges, like... well, like books stacked on their sides, I guess, but absolutely gargantuan.

“Well, might as well start climbing I suppose.” I say, summoning what remains of my satchel of coal into my barbed climbing gloves from before. If these are books, it should be easy to get a grip on them, paper being more malleable than stone. I slam my hands forward, then gasp and begin to curse, as I had just smashed my hand into solid rock. “Firetruck!”

“What?” Twilight asks, sounding puzzled over either my response or my comment.

“Firetruck.” I say again. “It’s the only child-friendly word that starts with an 'F' and ends with an 'uck' sound."

“... I don’t get it.” Twilight says.

“Well firetruck you then.” I reply, while I try to figure out how to scale the book-shaped rock wall. Let’s see, I could probably use the areas between each book’s binding as a hand or foothold, except each one is nearly ten feet tall -or thick, depending on how you look at it- and is covered in loose soil and the occasional tuft of grass or a small tree.

I put the coal away and start thinking of a way to climb the cliff. “Cadence, you can fly. Is there a way around the cliff, or do we really have to get up this thing?”

Cadence looks up. “Well, I could get over it, but I’m not sure I’d be able to get anypony else up.” She says.

“Yeah, so could you fly up and survey the area to see if there’s a way for us to get around it from here?” I repeat the question, hoping it’s understood the second time.

“Yes, but there’s no guarantee that heading back exactly this way would mean we meet up again. It’d be better if you follow along the cliffside while I fly; it’s harder to lose somepony if you can still see them.”

“Fine. We’ll follow along on the ground, but if you see anything, say something alright? I just want to get home. Today preferably.”

“Same here, Anthony.” She replies, then opens her wings and takes off. The three of us stuck on the ground follow her slow, gentle gliding speed, as she watches the ground and cliffs below her.

“So Anthony,” Pinkie begins, “other than the nearly dying and horrible creatures trying to eat you, how have you liked Wunderland?”

“It’s crazy, and nonsensical but not in the entertaining way I’d hoped. This feels more like an ordeal than an adventure to be honest, considering I have to think my way out of problems all the time. I’d have preferred to just relax and enjoy the place, but that’s hard when there’s not much to really see. Sure it’s interesting, but once the novelty wears off it’s just annoying.” I answer honestly. “I know you have family here, but with all the crap you have to deal with just to stay alive, it isn’t exactly that great of a tourist attraction.”

“Yeah, the Tourism Trail is a lot more fun, but it’s only for ‘main characters’, whatever that’s supposed to mean.” Pinkie says. “Apparently, they’ve set it up because of a prophecy of somepony who’ll come in and define aaaall of Wunderland once and for all, but Idunno when or who that’s supposed to be.”

“So until Alice comes by, this place will just be random and nonsensical. At least, moreso than it will be.” I surmise. “Too bad we aren’t main characters.”

“Who’s Alice?” Pinkie asks, cocking her head as she walks.

“Alice. The girl who is the main character for the Wonderland books by Lewis Carroll. She’s a human girl who comes to Wonderland a few times and has various adventures with the places and creatures in Lewis’ poems.”

“You mean Blueish?”

“I mean the human versions of the books. Written by Lewis. He wasn’t a pony, and neither is Alice. In fact the only pony-like creature in the human Wonderland novels and poems was a unicorn who did battle with a lion.”

“A unicorn battling a lion? That sounds like a mean lion or a mean unicorn.” Pinkie says.

“Well, it’s the lion who’s mean if you ask the unicorn, and the unicorn who’s mean if you ask the lion. They’re on opposite sides after all.”

“I guess.” Pinkie says, sounding unhappy with the answer. “But if they’re both so similar, why not be on the same side?”

“Well, it’s like a big board game. The book Through the Looking-Glass identifies the Lion as the Red King's rook and the Unicorn as the White Queen's knight. They are therefore enemies and will fight. Their shared goal is to... uh... I forget, actually. I can’t remember what they were fighting over but it was a position or an object.”

“Oh, well, if they were from the Chessboard, that makes sense. Granny Pie always said to avoid the chessboard at all costs.”

I nod in agreement. “It’s a game of bitter combat after all. Strategy, but also rather brutal in nature.”

Pinkie shudders. “It’s no game here.” Her words and tone are solemn, and I nod again. I look up to Cadence who hasn’t spotted anything yet. Or if she has she hasn’t said anything.

Sighing, I continue to walk over the uneven ground, pausing when I see a chunk of rock with some symbols on it. Probably writing of some kind if it’s part of the book-stone cliff. I inspect the stone but I can’t read the inscription. I hand it to Twilight. “Can you read this?”

Twilight stops and turns around, picking up the fragment and looking it over, her magic letting her rotate it fully. “Huh, it looks like ancient Yakyakistani glyphs... It’s not a language I’ve studied much, but I can look it over when we get back home.” She says, going to tuck it into a saddlebag, before remembering she doesn’t have one anymore. “Uh, could you hold onto this?” She asks me hopefully.

I stick it in the satchel with my remaining coal. It should be safe in there until we can translate it. For now, we just keep following Cadence along the cliff. Finally, she starts circling, and waves us over as she goes in for a landing. “Found something?” I ask when she is within speaking range. “Is it the Gate?”

“No, it’s the entrance to a cave. I think it goes straight through.”

“Better than nothing.” I say and gesture for Cadence to lead the way to the cave. She shows us the way in, ducking down as she does; the tunnel is only about five feet in diameter, completely dark, and very claustrophobic. As well, there’s easily visible layers in the stony ‘books’ cementing the idea of pages, though each one is nearly an inch thick. I walk into the tunnel, ducking just a bit to fit in the circular area and spark up, bathing the nearby area in the steely blue-gray glow of my semi-translucent skin.

Twilight and Cadence have their horns lit, too, and there’s a lantern hanging from the curl of Pinkie’s mane, meaning we’re all able to see this time. This time? I shake the weird thought out of my head. Either way, we continue into the cave, though looking at the shape, it seems more like a tunnel. Like it had been carved out... sort of. It’s not smooth, but it’s definitely been dug in some fashion. There’s hundreds of odd, spiralling marks running along the circumference of the tunnel. We continue along until there’s no sign of the entrance’s light anymore, meaning we’ve gone deep enough that we are our only sources of light. It’s also very quiet. No cave noises at all, except the sounds of our footsteps.

As we walk along, we find that the cave is slowly expanding, until Pinkie slips and falls, sliding into a side-passage partially, yelping in pain. I turn to see why and see that there’ stony fibers along the edges of these layers in a way reminiscent of paper that’s been pulled apart roughly, or chewed apart or something.

Okay, the lack of any sounds or vibration, little to no light, circular caves with chew marks? “I know where we are now.” I say quietly. I shake off another wave of Deja Vu as I explain that “We’re in a worm’s tunnel system. A really really big worm.”

“Wh-what kind of worm would live in giant... uh oh.” Twilight says, and the realizations hits all of us more or less at the same time. The entry in the bestiary for bookwurms is one of the less complete ones, but does mention that they are almost insanely territorial. It also means we’re definitely in the Petrified Shelves area, one of the few places with a set location.

So, y’know, good and bad news.

I take a deep breath and begin thinking of a plan should we encounter the wurm. Let’s see, normal earthworms are sensitive to light and sound so we should come up with a way to overload it’s senses. How do I make light? And I mean very bright light...

I pause my spelunking to think about my goal. I can glow, but that’s not enough. Hmmm... I’d need a giant lightbulb or something, but where would I find one around here? Maybe... I start pacing, getting my body in motion to help my thought process. “I can generate fire and electricity, neither of which are bright enough but...” The girls stop at my musing and turn to me.

“Uh, Anthony, Bookwurms aren’t afraid of light...”

I ignore them and continue my train of thought. Fire plus electricity... that results in heated electrons. When electrons are heated up they get excited and... that’s the inner workings of a very basic lightbulb. If I mix my fire and electricity together. I charge a bit of electricity in one finger and a flame on the tip of the other. I touch my index fingers together and get a spark, brighter than any light I’d created previously. “Hah! I can create light! And sure, they aren’t afraid of it, but they like the dark, right? I can blind one even if I can’t hurt it. That’s... uh...” Why am I getting more Deja Vu? Did something happen here in Wunderland and we already went through this but can’t remember... Either way I recall it working.

The three ponies all look at me, faces lit with a pale yellow glow. Or, wait... no, they’re looking past me, and I just realized nobody here is producing a yellow light, Pinkie’s lantern having fallen and broken when she fell.

I turn to face the light and see a huge, rounded head, with an angler-fish like lure coming off the front and glowing a bright yellow. A pair of eyes, surprisingly human in appearance, look at me from behind large, thick glasses. It gives a querying ‘Rowrf?’ As it looks at me.

“I’ve faced bigger, uglier, and meaner. I can take you easy. Turn around.” I say, self-assured of my ability to defeat the gargantuan invertebrate.

The bookwurm’s eyes narrow, taking exception to my attack, and its mouth begins to open, revealing row after row of circular teeth, including two up in the front-top that look like buck beaver teeth. Is it seriously planning to eat us? For once, I have a plan that I’m sure of working. Not quite sure how I know it’ll work, but it’s a plan in advance which is better than all my other encounters here in Wunderland.

The massive worm bunches back a bit, then begins to surge forward, and it feels like the world slows around me, adrenaline pumping through my system and my powers amping up my speed as far as it’ll safely go. The wurm moves towards me at high speed, but it looks like it’s barely moving at all.

I lunge back and charge several thousand volts of electricity in one hand and a fireball in the other. “Cover your eyes!” I cry to the girls as I clap my hands together into a double-fist and the reaction takes several seconds to my perceptions, but I release a bright, blinding flash, simulating what amounts to a military-grade flashbang with a single clap.

Time returns to normal speed, and the wurm recoils mid-lunge, and the sound echoes painfully in the enclosed tunnel and the wurm thrashes backward, making the stone all around rumble and creak violently, and the wurm begins to chew rapidly through the stone pages, tearing apart the rock with ease as it burrows away. As it slips away, it drops a book, practically throwing it at me.

I pick it up as a trophy and stick it in the satchel to read later. “And that’s what happens when you mess with an apex predator.” I reply, catching my breath and grinning. That was, finally, actually pretty easy and with no dangers. “Let’s get moving.” As if to make my previous thought a lie, the roof rumbles, and a loud, low crackling noise echoes through the stone. “Actually, let me rephrase that... let’s get moving fast.” I say, grabbing Twilight as Pinkie and Cadence both run beside me, the four of us booking it out of the caves, nearly tripping as the sounds of falling stone begin to catch up with us, until we leap out of the cave, the thunderous crashing of the collapsing cave coming to an end as a choking cloud of dust hazes over us.

I look around and sigh in relief. We made it, we’re somewhere other than where we went in. “Okay, now where do we go from here?” Pinkie asks and I set Twilight down to create the compass again.

Twilight casts the compass spell, and sighs as it takes a moment to orient in a direction. “That way.” She says, rather breathlessly, and I realize she had been screaming the whole time I ran... and that I’d been holding her backwards, facing the falling roof of the tunnel. Oops, ah well.

We follow the compass and my mood deteriorates at the thought of what would have happened had I not thought of how to create a light-based attack. We’d be worm food for a damn pun. With a sigh I feel more than ready to just go home and never come back here again.

We continue on as I think, until we finally come to a large clearing with a table in the midst of it, and the remains of what looks like a party at it. As well, there’s a group of... people, I suppose surrounding it. All of them are almost flat, rectangular, and all are vaguely humanoid. They’re also about eight feet tall, and have what at first looks like rank patches on their shoulders. Then I see that they’re numbers and symbols, one of them cups, another coins, and a third with swords.

What really gets me, though, is that these apparent soldiers seem to be arresting the group that had been using the table, including what looks like a man in a brightly colored coat and a top hat. The only thing off about the ‘man’ is that it appears to be made entirely of silvery metal, with a smooth metallic expanse in place of a face. And I can’t shake the feeling he’s looking at me.

“Card soldiers and the Mad Hatter I presume?” I say, making my presence known. I think about the card soldiers and try to recall what each ‘symbol’ represents. I know that spades are gardeners, clubs are soldiers, diamonds are courtiers, and hearts are members of the royal family... but I can’t understand the correlation of cups and coins and swords...

One in red, with a generally heart shaped upper torso and a head covered in a scarlet helm, also with a heart motif, steps closer. “Halt and identify yourself, intruder.” As the card speaks, the Hatter mumbles something, still giving me the feeling he’s staring at me.

“Anthony.” I say, introducing myself and thumbing the vorpal blade at my side. “And who are you calling an intruder? You look like the party-crashers here.”

“We are the soldiers of the Queen. We have been instructed to apprehend these criminals, to be judged and given punishment as decided by the Queen’s whims.” The soldier responds. “What is your purpose here?”

As he speaks, the Hatter moves forward a little, towards me. “Know you...” and I hear the sound of one of the girls stepping out of the bushes behind me.

“Halt and identify yours- Halt and identify yourself, intru- Halt and identify yourself, intruder.” At first,the card soldier’s stuttering speech makes no sense, until I peek over my shoulder and see that all three of the ponies have stepped into view.

He says it once for each new arrival. That must get old fast.

“We’re trying to get home.” I explain to the soldier, who ignores me, until the girls each introduce themselves. Then, he turns back to me, and asks for my purpose here, again. Jeez, these guys are like robots, but less interesting. I sigh and repeat my message about wanting to go home.

“Where is your home located?” The card soldier asks, turning to face me again.

“Through the Lookinglass Gate that leads to Canterlot.”

“Define ‘Canterlot’.” Eeyup, robots.

“Capital of Equestria, home of the princesses, also home to a bunch of rich snobs with their heads up their rears. Ring any bells?”

“I am not equipped with bells.” The card-bot responds, drawing another sigh from me.

“Just let us go, we’ll be on our way.”

The card considers that for several seconds. “Negative. You will be brought to the Queens for processing, on suspicion of alliance with outlawed individuals.” The spare cards begin to move to circle us, and I feel myself grow angry. We just want to move along, why can’t we just get out of this crazy place already?!

“Okay, you know what? No, fuck you. I’ve had enough of this place. I’m going home.” I go to push the card over. He’s big, but also very thin, he can’t have much balance.

The card makes a swipe at me with a sword I swear he wasn’t holding before, forcing me to dodge. “Hostile actions recorded. Lethal force allowed.” All of the card soldiers draw their weapons. Sigh...

I take the Vorpal blade and it homes in in the nearest card soldier, easily lopping off his neck. The card soldier topples, dead, and the Blade slots home in its sheathe, as the card soldiers all advance as one, targeting either me or one of the girls, all of whom look shocked and unprepared, though Cadence at least has presence of mind enough to begin charging her horn for something. I go to another card soldier and quickly dispatch it in the same way. “You know, you three could help me.” Cadence replies by summoning a blue shield around us, the Vorpal Blade pinging off it and falling to the ground outside the bubble.

“I meant help with killing them. What’s a shield gonna do, keep them out until it’s broken? Great plan.”

“I’m sorry, I married a soldier, I didn’t train as one!” Cadence snaps back, giving a pained wince as one of the soldiers swings a flail at the shield, sending cracks through it that heal moments later.

“Well don’t waste energy on something that traps us in place. That really limits our options.”

“The shield is mobile, but they’re too close, I can’t move them! Besides, I thought you were the one who likes fighting.” She says, the bubble shivering in place.

“Not with a figurative hand tied behind my back I don’t.” I clarify. “Screw it.” I phase out of the bubble shield and grab the vorpal blade before walking through the nearest card and solidify to deliver a leg sweep, knocking the card over. Their main disadvantage being their thin bodies and therefore low weight. I continue my attack on the downed card and take off its head with my Vorpal Blade, turning to the other cards who seem to have identified me as the biggest threat and easier target.

I proceed to mix the use of my Vorpal Blade with my powers and dispatch card after card, making quick work of each of them, though one calls out for assistance and more cards come filing into the clearing. “I can keep this up all day.” I point out to the attacking cards. “You better have something better than this.”

A sudden blow at my ankles sweeps me off my feet, and I see a long, shepherd's-crook like staff coming down at my head. I got to dodge but end up feeling something hit me in the back of the head and everything goes blurry and sideways. I try to get up but I feel another hit and-