Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel

by the-pieman

First published 7th of October, 2015

A complete overhaul/rewrite of my very well-recieved sleeper-hit story, [u]Starlight in a Broken Vessel[/u]. Enjoy Anthony's new and improved adventures of badassery and absolute dickery!

THIS IS NOT A DISPLACED FIC Please do not add it to the Displaced group!

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A few years ago, a human arrived in Ponyville which is a small town in the land of Equestria, a mere country on the gigantic, magical, and dangerous planet known as Terra. That human came to the new world through unknown means, and was granted fantastic powers. Introducing himself as "Anthony" he began a brand new life on this brand new world... but after a while, things started to go sour. As a last resort, Anthony uses a cosmic 'reset button' to start over again from the very beginning, hoping things go differently this time.

Character tags will change as the story progresses.

Ever since I took down my story Starlight in a Broken Vessel, people have been clamoring for me to bring it back which I have, better than ever, starting the entire thing over and putting my best foot forward from beginning to eventual end. Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel (or just Refined Starlight for short) is an improved version of my original story. To all new readers, welcome, and to old fans, please enjoy and thank you for waiting.

Now has a tumblr page where you can ask questions of main and side characters.

There is also a Discord server for people to ask myself and my editor questions

Prologue

I sit atop a small hill, overlooking Ponyville. So much has happened and so much time has passed... but it looks the same. Even after both demon attacks it’s rebuilt and just as... normal. It’s so normal. Why is it ‘normal’ to me!? I must have lived here on Terra too long, ponies aren’t supposed to be ‘normal’! And yet... they’ve... I’ve gotten used to them and their world. I’m not happy with it, much less that damned Princess Celestia...

Just thinking her name I feel the urge to spit. What a load of shit she is... But I have friends here, I can’t just up and leave. The Pinkie clones would miss me for sure, and though Discord could follow me anywhere, not everyone could. I mean Clark would be all for a complete change of scenery... though if I had to go somewhere I’d like to bring Myrna and Anne with me.

Then again, I kind of burned any bridges with those two when I literally burned my handprints into their chests... they wouldn’t stop fighting though! But I guess I didn’t have to use my powers. Yeah, this weird Star Core... dunno how I even got it but... this second life has been bittersweet all over, and my powers are nearly the only thing that has been absolutely beneficial.

I’ve made friends... but I’ve also completely ruined some friendships as well, not to mention my love-life has even worse prospects than it had before everyone I knew and cared about was killed. Well, except for Clark.

I mean, I turned Twilight into an unrecoverable sobbing mess! I meant every word I said when I yelled at her and I won’t take it back... but even if I’m not sorry, I’m at least... regretful I suppose. Beyond that, I completely broke Scootaloo’s heart... I mean, she says she’s okay but... she was like what? Twelve or something? I practically walked all over her heart without even realizing it, I might have screwed her up for life like that!

My crimes of the heart didn’t end there as I recall the possible disastrous outcome of trying to force Rarity to tell Spike how she really felt about him...

Beyond all that I’ve gotten AJ arrested... even if it was kind of her fault. I take the Lyre and strum it, but I don’t feel like having music for once so I just replace the Lyre on my belt attached to the Sword. I’ve screwed up big time, and none of them but Clark even knows my goddamn real name! To them it’s just ‘Anthony’ this and ‘Anthony’ that. But I guess I chose a new name to go with my new life, which turned out to be only slightly less craptastic than my previous one.

I know Earth being turned into a dead planet isn’t my fault but it feels like a lot of this day-to-day garbage could just be avoided if I wasn’t involved. I sigh heavily. Wouldn’t be the first time I figured everything would be better if I just never existed, and probably won’t be the last. I mean, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I really a hero like everyone claims I am, or am I just a fucked-up man-child with an impressive winning streak?

Well... maybe Anthony’s adventures on Terra don’t have to end per se... A thought runs through my mind. Yeah, but it involves time travel, that could be dangerous... Unless... Hmmm... If I take into account the butterfly effect and memory loss...

I roll the thought around in my head and it slowly forms into a plan. I could go back to the very beginning... no, reset everything, and start everything all over again from the moment I first got here. Laws of probability combined with my uncannily shitty luck would probably end up with different outcomes. That’s what I need to do. I need to... uh... how?

I sit down and continue my pondering, idly pulling up grass by the fistful and dropping the torn grass blades back onto the ground. Maybe I’d even get a new powerset, too. The star core is cool and all but... eh, guess that’s for the cosmic dice to decide. But that still leaves the how. I recall Twilight telling me of her foray into time travel magic and it’s not quite what I want, and I doubt even their princess of sunshine and bullshit could even accomplish what I want. I’d have to get Discord or... the person who gave magic to ponies in the first place...

Yes! I can do this! I just have to cash in a favor. I Spark Up and, running at near lightspeed, I get to the Golden Oaks library in a few moments. Heading inside and up to my little add-on of a room, I check my special hiding place. Yep, it’s still here.

I hold the orb up to the light. A gift from Black Annis, the most powerful hag in the known timeline. More powerful than possibly even Discord. And as I recall, I just make a wish and this trinket grants it, no strings attached, no misinterpretations or restrictions, a one-time straight-up wish.

I have my way out, I can start over completely new without a shred of knowledge of what’s to come, and an opportunity to let just about every die be rerolled, give every coin a second flip. I may not even end up in Ponyville...

The thought of having another chance makes me feel kind of giddy inside. All my mistakes and accomplishments erased along with any problems I may have caused to anyone on the whole planet, and even the constellations wouldn’t know who I am if I’m right. I really would like a redo on my meeting with Lyra. Well, maybe just the second time.

Bah, I finally have a second chance and I’m gonna use it. I grasp the fruit-sized orb in my palm and squeeze with intent to break. And sure enough the little sphere crumbles and I announce my wish, emphasizing my desire by using my Absolute Voice.

<REWIND!>

Silence... no noise or glowing or anything. I know these things work, and they’d only break if I made a wish so it knows I-

Woah, there it is... that weird magical feeling when I feel I’m being affected by some kind of... well, magic. There’s a sensation like I’m falling while standing up, and... I can’t see. I’m falling stationary into a void, not unlike my self-imposed dream I use whenever I can’t sleep...
And I feel something... I can’t quite place it... what is this...?

Like, a drain, but sort of invigorating... my mind... getting fuzzy, like when I’m... I’m... where do I know this from...? Numb... cold... faraway... dark... peaceful

“What is it?”
“I don’t know...”

Chapter 1

It’s dark... My head hurts... So tired...

I hear voices... So far away... Can’t tell what they’re saying... Head hurts...

“What is it?” The words sound unsure, but curious.

“I don’t know.” Quiet, soft... the voice is almost unheard.

“What do you mean? I thought you were an expert!” Curious voice, but angry... at what?

“But I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

“Do you think it’s sapient?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Where’d it come from, anyway?” A- another voice? Rude. Masculine. Jock?

“I don’t know that either, sadly.”

“Well, why don’t we jus’ wake ‘im up an’ find out?” Accent. Rough, sounds tired.

“No! It could be hurt, we should let it rest.”

“So we just sit here and wait for it to wake up? What if it’s dangerous?” Definitely jock.

“I... I think I’m willing to take that risk.” Sounds... afraid? Of what?

“I agree. Besides, it doesn’t look very dangerous.”

“Ah know appearances can be deceivin’ an’ all, but I have to admit, the thing looks kinda wimpy.”

“So do we tell the princesses?”

“I’ve sent a letter. I’m trying to study it for now.” Study what? What are they all talking about? Why can’t I see them? Why’s it so dark? Why can I barely hear what they say?

“It’s bald, skinny, and weird.”

“You can’t possibly expect her to turn in a report like that, it would be just shameful!” The words keep cutting in and out, and I can’t piece them together.

“Whatever.”

Throat... so dry...

“W- water”

“Did it just talk!?” Ow... high-pitched voice. Afraid... or concerned. Not sure.

“Shush!” Curious voice. I recognize that voice.

“What was that?”

I can barely hear my own voice. “Water”

“What do we do?” Panic. At what? I asked for water...

“We help it of course.”

“Are you even sure that’s it’s mouth?” Hello again Jock. Why are you here?

“I hope so, it sounds hurt.”

I feel something pressed against my lips. I open my mouth and I feel cool water enter my mouth slowly. I drink until there is no more, and my throat feels better.

So... tired.

“H- hello?” Hello, goodbye... need... to sleep.

“...Don’t tell me it fell asleep again.” Not yet, but I’m getting there. Jerk...

“I’m afraid it did, it must be very worn out.”

“Do you think it has a name?”

“Maybe, at least we know it can talk.”

“This is it, princess.”

“I must admit, I’ve never seen anything like this.” Motherly, but not like my mother...

“Well, that’s not too reassuring.”

“I’m sorry I can’t identify it, but there must be something...”

“Like what?”

“Let’s start with what you know about it.”

“Okay, here are my notes.”

I can still hear the voices, but I can’t tell what they’re saying. I know the language, but I can’t identify the actual words all the time.

I feel... strange. Like, some sort of tension...

“Hey! It’s moving!”

“I wonder if it’s waking up...”

“Wait... something seems wrong.”

“What is it?”

“I’m not sure, but... I sense...”

“Woah!”

“Agh!”

“What is this?”

“I don’t know!”

“It’s... so bright...”

“Let’s call Princess Celestia again, this seems big.”

“Y- yeah.”

Feel... different. Warm. So tired...

“And once the light faded, it was glowing! I felt an incredible amount of power from it.”

“Hmmm... I see. I suppose it would be safe to try this.” Motherly voice is back. Huh.

“Huh? Try what?”

“Yes, this is very odd. It is definitely emitting a lot of energy, but not any magic I’m closely familiar with.”

“If it’s not magic, then what could it be?” That voice is so different... like a noble in an old play. Maybe their leader?

“I believe it’s too soon to tell. But this creature is very special. I suggest you keep your elements with you, just in case.” A... a warning, I think? About what? Or who?

“Okay princess, I’ll send a letter if anything else happens.”

“Please do. Also, bring it to me in Canterlot when it is able to be moved.”

“O- of course.”

“So... do we give it a name?”

“That would be rather rude if it already had one, don’t you think?”

“I suppose, but seriously, this is boring!”

“How is this boring? It’s incredible! It’s a undiscovered creature!”

“Ah hate to admit it, but ah think you’re the only ones here who thinks this thing is anythin’ special...”

“Oh come on, you saw what it did! Wasn’t that interesting?”

“It asked for water, and then it started glowing, and then it stopped glowing. We’ve been watching this thing all day!” Something was glowing? I don’t recall...

“But none of us can leave! We promised the princess we’d watch over it. If this thing turns out to be a meanie-pants and one of us is missing, we can’t use the elements to color-blast it!”

“Fine, whatever.”

Not so tired anymore... I need to move... thirsty...

I sit up, feeling a touch nauseous at the movement. It’s still dark, but not as dark. Can’t make out where I am. Those voices, what were they? So thirsty...

“H- hello?” No reply. “Hello?”

“Huh?” One of the voices from earlier. Curious Voice, I think.

“Hello?”

“O- ohmygosh! Is that you?”

Now able to actually talk and understand, I respond. “Uh, maybe? I don’t know what you mean. Do I know you?”

“Unlikely, I’ve never met you before.”

Still thirsty. “Hey uh, could I... have some water please?” I cast my eyes around, trying to find light or illumination of any kind.

“Of course! Let me get some light.” A small flame springs to life. A candle, illuminating, but not too bright. “Can you move?”

Still laying down I feel rather tired, my muscles feeling taxed. “I’m not sure.” It’s like I’d been working all day every day for a month, and then finally gotten to rest.

“Well, perhaps you shouldn’t,” Curious Voice says, sounding worried. “I’ll be right back.”

A few moments later I hear the sound of running water. It makes me even more thirsty. I think about the voice. It sounded rather feminine. Most of the voices did from what I recall. Maybe there were three voices, maybe twenty, it’s so fuzzy.

I see the candle flame come into view again, and when it’s close to me, I feel the same object as before held to my lips. I gently take the object into my own hand and feel it as I drink. It’s a cup-shape obviously, but seems to have a rather grainy texture. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Sorry if I’ve been trouble.” I apologize.

“Oh, uh, not at all. You’re just, um... new to us. What’s your name, by the way?”

Hmmm... I don’t really know if I should tell her my name. She seems friendly, but still a stranger I suppose. I give her my name... sort of. “Anthony.” The name spills off my lips like it’s something I’ve practiced saying a hundred times already.

“I see... and how do you spell that?” As I spell it out, I hear a scribbling sound. She’s obviously taking notes. “And, uhm, could I also have your gender?”

“Male”

“Okay...” Paper shuffling, then more scribbling. “Age?”

I’m not a fan of being a test subject and right now I feel like I’m just a science project. “How about I get to know some things about you before you continue the interrogation?”

“O-oh, right, of course! I’m sorry.” I can hear the sound of someone shuffling in a seat.

“So who are you?”

The candle flame is moved closer to illuminate her noticeably malformed features as she speaks. “My name is Twilight Sparkle.”

“Uh-huh. And what exactly are you, Miss Sparkle?” Whatever she was... it wasn’t human. I mean, for one she looks fuzzy. Like, not ‘blurry image’ fuzzy, but ‘covered in fur’ fuzzy.

“I’m a unicorn.” I snort, a unicorn? That’s pretty stupid. “Is... something funny?” An eyebrow raises on the brownish face in front of me, and I do have to admit she looks kinda horse-ish, but in a sort of cartoony way, eyes too big and nose to short, among other things.

Shaking my head, I ask jokingly, “Come on, what are you really?”

“Erm, I’m a pony.” My ‘unicorn’ host replies, obviously thinking I’m dumb enough to believe anything. The candle drifts a little away from her face, leaving it back in shadow again.

“Okay, fine, whatever.” I say, shrugging in defeat. “What other questions do you have?”

“Well, I was going to ask your age, but now that you’ve brought up species-”

“Human.” I interject, before she can actually ask.

Her eyes glimmer in the faint light from the candle, staring and confused. “Huh?”

I roll my eyes. “I’m a human.”

“That’s definitely new... spell that please?” As I spell it out, I hear another one of the voices from earlier.

“Huh... what with the li-” a startled gasp, somewhere between shock and delight and a mixture of both, splits the voice’s sentence. “Ohmygosh! It- it’s awake!”

“Hello.” I can’t see who the voice is coming from but I figure I should respond anyway. I try turning my head towards it, but the candle’s actually ruining what little night vision I had begun to gather, my eyes refusing to adjust to darkness now that they had the opportunity to be lazy.

“It talks too!” Another delighted gasp punctuates the voice’s words, before she clears her throat. “Uh, I mean... um, hello.”

“Let me guess, you’re a unicorn too.”

“Uhm, no, I’m a p- pegasus.” I think that’s the quiet voice from before, if only going by volume.

“Right. Well, at least there’s a variety. I suppose the next one is a Jabberwock.”

“A what?” The ‘pegasus’ sounds either surprised or startled.

I wave it off, feeling returning to my hands at last. “Nevermind, guess you don’t like Lewis Carroll.”

“What?” this time, the question comes from ‘Twilight’.

I have to roll my eyes again. “He’s an author. A rather famous one at that.”

“An author? I’ve never heard of him.”

“Oh come on, everyone’s at least heard of his books. Everyone knows Alice in Wonderland at the bare minimum.”

“I... I haven’t. Wow, a popular book I’ve never read... I’ve got to look for this one.” Damn right you do. Carroll's works are phenomenal. The scribbling noise again. I assume she’s writing down the title.

“What’s with all the yapping? Some of us are trying to sleep!” Oh, Jock Voice is still here, and by the tone it is also female if a bit gruff.

“Rainbow Dash! He’s awake!”

“You mean the bald thing?”

I grab my scalp to assure myself that I am not bald. I still have a full head of hair and relay this fact. “I am not bald, I’m barely twenty, no way I’m losing my hair!” Scribbling. Well, guess I did answer one of her questions.

“Oh come on, you’ve got as much hair on you as a shaved cat!” Jock Voice says, whom I assume is this ‘rainbow dash’ person. Man, such weird names around here...

“Holy crap!” The lights flick on and I fall back, startled by being suddenly face to face with a pair of magenta-red eyes

“Hah! Scaredy-cat!”

I notice now that the creature in front of me has wings, and is rather equine-shaped, though with quite a few liberties taken. Guess that could count as a pegasus. Her hair was also rainbow-striped. Guess that could be a good reason to be named Rainbow Dash.

She also has a protruding nose and mouth. Perfect.

“Oh yeah well... Got your nose!” I hold a fist tightly around her snout, squeezing her mouth shut.

“What’s the matter, horsey? Scaredy-cat got your tongue?” I swear, she’s giving me the most menacing look I’ve ever seen on a quadrupedal mythical creature. As well, she’s reaching a hoof back, as if to wind up for a punch. Which is patently ridiculous, horses can’t punch.

“That’s enough!” Twilight yells, and I see a flash of pink-purple light strobe in the corner of my vision. Suddenly, I am lifted off the ground, pulled away from Rainbow Dash and vice-versa, the two of us now separated by a good four or five feet.

“Come on Twi, put me down, he’s asking for it!” Dash says, putting up her front hooves at me, like a boxer or something.

I look incredulously at Twilight, who I can now see has a horn that is glowing in the same pinkish-purple as the flash I’d seen. “Wait, you’re doing that?” Magic? Telepathy? What’s going on? I take a better look at the so-called unicorn, and see she’s also vaguely equine-shaped and purple, not orange-brown as the candlelight painted her. She also has dark-purple hair, much more subdued than the tropical display her friend has, though it does have a stripe of some sort of magenta. Fits her color scheme but it’s still very ‘punk’. Probably going through her rebellious teenager phase. Twilight simply nods and we are set down on opposite sides of the room. I take this chance to actually look at my surroundings in the light. Books on shelves line every wall, most likely a library, though a very small and sparse one.

Anyway yeah, Twilight has freaky powers. Maybe she is a unicorn after all, but perhaps not the ‘Farting rainbow dust and barfing kittens-shaped cupcakes’ variety. Mental image funny, must laugh. “Hahahaha... oh man, I am so totally nuts right now.”

“Huh?” Oh, they look confused. They actually look kinda cute when they scrunch up their faces like that.

“This is the craziest dream I’ve ever had.” I declare, looking brightly around the room.

“Dream?” ‘Twilight’ says, raising an eyebrow again, looking baffled.

I shrug. “Yeah, I mean, come on. Magical winged horses? I have to be asleep still. I’m probably at home in bed. My alarm’s gonna go off and wake me up any moment now.” I stare up at the ceiling and await the obnoxious buzzing noise that signifies morning.

“Uhhh... This isn’t a dream.” The appropriately-named Rainbow Dash replies confusedly.

Of course she’d say that, dreams aren’t self aware until the dreamer becomes fully lucid. “Oh yeah? I’ll prove it.”

“Pfft, you can’t prove what isn’t true!” she says, sure of herself. I’d like to point to Scientology for the fastest proof against her statement, but...

“My my, Rainbow-Dork, is that a challenge?” I smirk.

“It is now! Come on, show me what you got!” She is now rearing up on her hind legs, punching the air with her front legs and... I suppose trying to be menacing.

“Sorry, I don’t feel like fighting someone who isn’t going to win.”

“Oh, it’s on now!”

“Bring it, Rainbow Ditz. Dream powers, go!” I decide to turn into a giant monster, and unsurprisingly, I start to get bigger. At this point, I’m five times my normal height.

“Sweet Merciful...”

The three of them are staring at me in shock. Their jaws have literally dropped wide open.

“How...?” Twilight struggles out, baffled by my dream-fu powers.

Being a dream, I decide to say something cool. “Come at me, bro!” Hey, it sounded cool in my head, plus it doesn’t matter because I’m huge.

“What is that awful din?”

I notice three other ponies. The speaking one is white, her mouth open in a large yawn. I decide to respond in the only appropriate way. “I am your God now, bring me ice cream!”

“Holy-moley, it’s gone all grow-y! Can I have some ice cream too? I love ice cream!” A pink, poofy-haired one. Heh, I like this one already.

“Twi... what did ya do?” The orange one. Quite the rural accent on this one. I decide to just bask in their shock and let them continue.

“I- I didn’t... he... he just...”

“Are you tellin’ me this thing did that itself?” the orange one raises an eyebrow, a motion that puts most other raised eyebrows to shame, because this one damned-near leaves her face in its efforts to raise as high as it’ll go.

“I don’t understand either...” Seems this conundrum is too difficult for her little brain to comprehend.

“Wow, this is the most exciting morning I’ve ever had! Well, maybe not more exciting than the time...” I start to just tune out the ponies. Not like what they say matters.

“Twilight, do something!” One of them snaps, as I look for more things to do.

“Like what?”

“Yes, that’s right, nothing you can do now! Now bring me my ice cream before I roast you all with my atomic breath!” I may not be king of the monsters... but in a dream, hell, I can do anything he can!

“S- seriously?” All the ponies take a fearful step back, eyes even wider than before.

“Well, you didn’t really do anything wrong, so I suppose I won’t hurt you... But I still want that ice cream.” This is a dream, I am entitled to whatever I want whenever I want it because I am the dreamer and therefore I’m in charge. That’s how dreams work... nightmares aside.

Twilight approaches me. “How about a deal? You go back to normal, and I get you some ice cream?”

“Deal!” I decide I wouldn’t want to risk banging my head on anything anyway, so I shrink back to normal. As soon as I do, a gallon carton of ice-cream floats out from another room, surrounded by a purple glow of the same color on Twilight’s horn, and the same color as the aura around me when Dash and I were separated.

“Here you go.”

I look at the carton to check the label on the front. “Rocky Road?”

“Uh, yeah...”

I lean in close to Twilight, making her nervous. I stare deep into her large eyes, getting so close I can hear her ragged breathing. Slowly reaching for her head, I scratch her behind the ear. “Good pony.” I love rocky road.

“I... I... What?” Still having trouble comprehending her position it seems. She also seems to be struggling to figure out where her ears are supposed to be, as they keep going up and down like semaphore flags.

“Okay, I’ve had enough of you!” Rainbow Dash yells. Before I can even blink, the pegasus is in front of me, holding the carton of ice cream. Suddenly, the carton was much closer. Like, mashed-into-my-head kind of close.

“Ow!” I pull the carton off my face, Rocky Road ice cream sliding down, some of it in my eyes and most of it ending up on my T-shirt. “That hurt!”

“Good!” My assaulter replies, sounding rather pleased with herself. She crosses her hooves and smirks.

Wait a minute... Th- that hurt. the realization is like a ton of bricks to the chest, or another carton of ice cream to the face, and I can feel the anger in my expression slide away into horror like the chocolatey remains dribbling off my nose.

Ohhhhhhhh shit.

Chapter 2

This is bad. I quickly run to a shelf and open a book.

“Ohhhhhhhh no.” I could read. It’s not possible to read in dreams... It’s always weird jumbles or stuff you already read before... but this is a new book. I put the book back on the shelf and turn to my audience, now feeling rather... stupid. “Okay, I suppose an apology is in order...”

“An... apology?” Rainbow Dash seemed rather confused.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I thought this was all a dream, so I was kind of a jerk. I figured that since it wasn’t real there wouldn’t be consequences for my actions.”

Twilight looks at me thoughtfully. “Well, I suppose that makes sense, and you didn’t really hurt anypony... I accept your apology.”

She puts her hoof up towards me, so I take it in my hand and shake it. This time the pink one was jumping up and down asking a million questions. But she slows down for the last one. “And how’d you do that growing thing!?”

Another epiphany. “I... I don’t know! I can’t do that! Well, I never could before...”

This got a collective “What!?” from the lot of them.

“Yeah, so I can grow now. I wonder...”

I concentrate hard on changing size again. Opening my eyes I see that I didn’t change. “Awww man.”

“You could only do it once?” Twilight asks, now levitating a quill and her notepad.

“Maybe, I’m not sure. I was trying to shrink.”

Rainbow Dash had a rather incredulous look on her face. “Why would anypony want to be small?”

“Because it has plenty of advantages.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

“Whatever.”

“So now what?” I sit down in a very small, likely pony-sized, chair and do my best to get comfortable. It’s a struggle I ultimately lose.

“I suppose we can figure out exactly what you can do.”

I put on a rather snarky grin. “Well, I can read and write, I’m good at video games and-”

“I didn’t mean like that.” Twilight said, an annoyed look on her face.

“I know.”

“Well, then why answer like that? It doesn’t make sense!”

“But making sense isn’t fun.” I say, recognizing her as the ‘Genius who can’t understand fallacies in their own logic’ type.

For some reason my statement gave them all a start. Now they’re looking at each other.

“What’s with the worried looks? I’m just playing around. You know, like a game.” They have to understand sarcasm and such, right?

Now they are all staring at me. Suddenly, a blinding flash from Twilight and now they’ve all got these weird choker-necklaces, except Twilight, who has a tiara.

“I’m going to say this once, and only once. Leave us alone Discord, or you go back to being stone.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know how you got out, and I don’t really care. Now get out of here, Discord!”

“Who?”

Again, I’m staring at Rainbow Dash’s eyes. “Don’t give us that! As soon as we turn our backs, you’re going to fly off and start messing with Equestria!”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sorry Discord, we aren’t falling for that!” Twilight exclaimed.

Her eyes started to glow a bright white, and the six of them flew into the air around her.

A rainbow-colored ribbon of energy formed between their necklaces, spiraling around and connecting to Twilight’s tiara.

“What the-”

A blast of rainbow energy flies up, and begins to descend towards me in an arc. I put up my arms to protect me, silently wishing that whatever was about to happen wouldn’t hurt.

Seconds pass. Nothing happens. I open my eyes, the ponies are on the ground again, and rather surprised. “Uh... what was that?”

Twilight pulls the other five into a huddle, putting up a magic barrier around them. It seems to be blocking out sound, as I can see them talking, but I can’t hear them.

After an hour or so of discussion, the pink bubble finally dissipates and the six ponies turn to face me.

“Okay, you aren’t Discord, but we still don’t know what happened.” Twilight says, giving me a confused, even puzzled look.

“Neither do I. Suddenly you’re all angry and shooting rainbows at me. Not very effective, as I didn’t feel anything at all.”

“That’s what we’re curious about. How’d you negate the Elements of Harmony?” Twilight asks.

“The what?”

Twilight sighed heavily, her hoof to her face “The giant rainbow thing.”

“Oh. I dunno.” I shrug. “I just didn’t want it to hit me.”

Twilight looks at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. “But... well, it didn’t hit you. That’s the problem...”

“How’s it a problem?”

“Well, normally, if the Elements wouldn’t have worked, we either wouldn’t have been able to use them at all, or the beam would hit but change nothing. What you did... was stop the Elements!”

“So...?”

“I’m taking you to Princess Celestia.”

“Oooh, a princess. Is she hot?” Now they all give me the cow-look. “What? Is she ugly or something?” Cue collective gasp.

Rainbow Dash speaks first “You really shouldn’t say anything like that about Princess Celestia...”

“Celestia? Hmmm... if the name is meaningful, then I’d assume she has some connection with an interstellar object or is an interstellar being herself.” I deduce.

“Well... you got the first part right, I suppose.” Twilight replies. “Anyway, we should get her over here.”

“So when will this princess show up?”

“When she’s able to, she’s probably very busy.” Twilight responds imperiously.

I roll my eyes. “Busy with what? She’s a princess! They’ve got, like, zero responsibility. Let the King handle this.”

This time the first pegasus I met, a yellow one named Fluttershy, responds. “We, uh, don’t have a king. Or a queen. We just have Princess Celestia and her sister Luna.”

“What kind of weird hierarchy do you crazy horses even have?”

“One that’s worked for over two-thousand years straight.” A curt reply from the white fancy one. Rarity I think I heard them say.

“Anyone around to prove that?” I ask.

“Huh?”

“Well, unless someone who was that old, other than the one who says it’s true that is, says it’s true, I’m gonna say that sounds like propaganda.”

Another collective gasp. Are these ponies part fish or something?

Suddenly bright light.

“Geez, does anybody give any warning, or do they turn on the floods whenever the heck they want?”

When I can see again, I notice a new pony. Well, more like a horse. She was... big. Like, about as tall as me. She also looked rather important, a certain royal air around her.

“I suppose you’re Celestia?”

“Yes I am.” she gives me a polite nod. “I have come to meet you.”

“Of course you did, I’m awesome.” I smirk.

She looks me over, and I can see she’s not impressed. “As you say.”

“Don’t like me? Send me back.” I stick my tongue out at her.

She shakes her head sadly. “I don’t know where you came from, and so cannot send you back.”

“That’s easy, I came from my mom.”

This earned a chuckle from the princess. “A comedian as well. You certainly are interesting, especially with the information my faithful student has sent me.”

“And what information would that be?” I feign horror. “She didn’t tell you anything... naughty did she?” I accentuate the word further by wiggling my eyebrows.

“No, she did not.” she says, still cool a white-pink-blue-green cucumber. “Though I doubt it would be anything too bad, given you’ve only been conscious for half a day.”

I go back to the chair I was sitting in before she arrived. “Oh, very well. And here I thought you’d be fun. So boring, Celestia.”

She blinks at this, raising a querying eyebrow. “Hmmm...”

“Finally realize you’re a stick in the mud?” I inquire.

By this point, four of the ponies have their jaws on the floor, Fluttershy is fanning Twilight who has fainted for some reason.

“I wouldn’t suggest trying my patience, Anthony.”

I shrug. “Alright, anything else I can try?”

She shakes her head. “I’m not sure whether you’re trying to annoy me or be friendly, and I admit that’s rather frustrating.”

“I love you too!” I give her a hug, grinning as wide as I can. She’s actually rather warm and her fur is soft.

“Ahem, yes well...” she shifts on her hooves a little. “I will be taking us to Canterlot now.”

After the flash subsides, we are somewhere else. A large room. A pair of thrones at the top of some steps.

“You know, you could make millions in Vegas.”

“As much as I’d er... enjoy continuing our small-talk, I would like to know more about you.” Celestia says.

“Oh, of course.” I say, settling onto the nearest solid surface as best as I can... admittedly, it’s a short table meant for holding a vase, which may or may not have just almost fallen off... ah well, it’s comfy enough.

“Thank you,” she nods, “start with yourself.”

“Okay. I’m almost twenty, am a bit of an introvert, and I’m looking for a girl who-”

“Anthony, please, this is serious.” Celestia admonishes, squandering my comedic talent.

“Oh, fine, fine. I don’t know how I got here, and somehow, I can become super-giant.”

“Could you... demonstrate?” Celestia asks.

“Only if I get ice cream.” I say, crossing my arms in front of me.

Rarity pipes up “Oh, not this again.”

“Hey, ice cream is good!” I defend my perfectly valid request.

The pink one hops up and down, saying, “He’s right, ice cream is delicious!”

“Finally, a pony who’s talking sense!” I give the pony a high five. High one? Whatever.

Celestia sighs. “How about this,” she offers, “if you answer all my questions, you will get all the ice cream you want, afterwards.”

I grin wide, causing Celestia to make an addendum to her statement. “Until the end of the day.”

I’m no stranger to loopholes. “Define ‘end’ of the day.”

She considers for a second. “...Midnight.”

“Deal!” I spit in my hand and offer to shake, signaling a sealing of a deal, which grosses out a few of my audience but Celestia resolutely shakes my hand anyway. Though I can tell she’s rather off-put anyway.

Chapter 3

I feel awesome. So does Pinkie Pie, probably. We had a chance to bond while she took advantage of my temporary infinite supply of ice cream and we’ve just been sitting outside the big step-in freezer, gorging on tub after tub of whatever flavors we pull out. That pony can sure put it away. If I wasn’t watching her eat it with my own eyes, I’d swear she was stashing it somewhere.

“Pinkie, you know what I love about this?” I say, laying on my back with Pinkie laying next to me in a similar fashion that is not as weird-looking as I’d imagine from a quadruped.

“Everything?” She asks, smiling over at me.

“Totally.” I agree in an almost inebriatedly relaxed manner

We laugh for a while, but soon Pinkie Starts shivering. “So... cold... brrrrrr.”

“Yeah, ice cream is cold, didn’t you know?”

“Of c-course, silly, I just f- forgot.”

“Hugs are warm.” Suddenly I am glomped by Pinkie, who is rather fuzzy, cushy, and warm despite her previous statement. All things considered, no complaints here.

“So, what was with the glowing and the growing?” she asks, looking up from where she rests on my chest.

“I don’t know how I grow, but I just can.” I look down at her in confusion. “As for the glowing, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh yeah, you were asleep. You were asleep forever!”

“Hey I like sleeping, is that a crime?”

She shakes her head. “Nope!”

“Good, otherwise I’d probably be a felon, and they’d throw me in prison.”

“I’d break you out.” Pinkie says, matching my passive tone, but a playful smile betrays her poker-face.

“How?”

“I’d bake you a cake and hide something like a file in it.”

“But if you get caught, you might get thrown in prison too.”

“But if we get the same cell, it’d be like a sleep-over that never ends!” Her giant smile stretches all across her face and is infectious enough to make me grin as well, her attempt to keep an indifferent look similar to mine completely destroyed. I just lay back and wipe my chocolate-covered face on my shirt sleeve.

“Hey Pinkie?”

“Yeah?”

“I like you, you don’t mind that I’m weird.”

The glomp becomes a normal hug as she snuggles closer.

“A’hm not... innerruptin’ nothin’, am ah?” Applejack, can’t mistake that accent. I decide to respond in kind.

“I reckon ya ain’t. ‘less yew wanna make somethin’ o’ this?”

Applejack gives me an unamused face in response “Uh... nah, ah’m fine... Anyways, Twi told me to come get ya.”

“Oh fine, I suppose I’ve eaten enough ice cream. Don’t wanna get a brain freeze.”

“Speaking of, why aren’t you cold?” Pinkie asks.

I shrug. “Dunno.” Really, I have no idea. Maybe I just ate it slower.

I’m lead to a medium-sized sitting room outfitted like a study, cushions and such rather than more professional furniture but the walls are lined with shelves of books and... scrolls? Interesting.

“Ah, there you are!” Twilight draws my attention and I see her laying on what seems like a small bedroll behind a short table, prepared with several inkwells and rolls of parchment.

“You wanted to see me Twilight?”

“Yes. There are a few... oddities I’d like to discuss, and hopefully have you answer some questions. You see, the princesses and I are the leading experts on the Elements of Harmony, but what you’ve done... it’s unheard of.”

“Maybe they just didn’t speak loud enough?”

“Anthony, please... I’m serious, this is big.” she looks concerned, but I’m not sure why. “You did something that shouldn’t be possible.”

“Jeez Twi, loosen up.” my hands go up in a ‘don’t blame me’ gesture. “I just don’t have any point of reference, so I don’t fully understand which parts are important.”

“Let’s start with the most confusing one. You’ve pulled off an amazing feat that not even the most powerful beings history has known could do.”

“Oh. Wow.” The realization hits me and I sit down on one of the cushions, selecting what seems to be a beanbag chair of sorts, though more of a beanbag stool to my size. “That is pretty big, huh?”

“And that’s not the strangest part.”

“Huh?” What could be stranger than what she just described as an anomaly unseen in all of their history?

“The princesses and I agree that technically speaking, with enough magical power, anything is possible. But during a test we took while you were unconscious we determined that you have a very odd thaumic signature.”

“Thaumic... as in magical, right? I gave off... magic?” That’s really weird.

“Uhhh, sort of. Anyways, we tried to get a read on your thaumic signature to understand what you may be capable of. Unfortunately we can’t really seem to identify some of your magical aspects. Not because of lack of training but... Well to put it bluntly, if whatever energy signatures you gave off are magical in nature, we’re unable to figure out what kind of magic they are. For all we can discern, you may not even use magic as we know it.”

I’m not magic? No duh. Still, I have some unidentifiable form of energy or whatever? Weird. “So I’m pretty important, huh?”

“I need more information, but it seems we’ll be unable to figure out much just by asking, since you confirm that this is a new development, right”

“Yeah, this is all new to me.”

“Can you grow again for me?”

I concentrate on my size. Growing. Expanding. I imagine my body becoming massive. I open my eyes and I look down, seeing a much smaller Twilight. She looks up at me and back at her notes, scribbling frantically.

“Say ‘Ah’ please.”

“Huh?”

“Close enough.” I hear her mumble something, but I can’t make it out. Whatever it is, it’s in her notes now. “You can go back to normal now.” I decide to oblige. Being so big is a bit disorienting.

“I have...” She shuffles in place awkwardly. “another question.”

“Ask away.”

“Well... you’re wearing clothes...” She looks at me in confusion.

“Yeah.” I’m not sure where this is g-

“Well, could you take them off?”

“Uh... I don’t think so.”

“Why wouldn’t you be able to take them off?” Wow this pony is dense.

“I mean I can but I’m not gonna, not for you, got it? I’m not into ponies, much less you."

She looks at me in confusion. “What? What does that have to do with... well, anything?” she asks.

“I’m not undressing, no way. Get your fapping material elsewhere, xenophile.”

“What?!” she says, her head jerking back in surprise, her face a visage of utter confusion. “No, really, what?!” she sounds baffled...

“Okay now that attempt is just dumb. Subject change, now. Ask a real question this time.”

“Wait, wait... I’m confused here. Why are you talking like... that? All I asked was for you to take off your clothes? It’s a perfectly normal request!” she says, still looking baffled.

“Well Twilight, how about I shave off your entire coat, and see how you stay warm?”

Twilight looked indignant for a moment, and opened her mouth to retort. Then, her mouth closed, and a contemplative look fell over her face. “Well, why not take them off once you’re inside? It’s plenty warm enough in here, and it can’t be comfortable to sleep in them all the time.”

“I don’t sleep in them, we have these things called ‘blankets’ for that.” I recall that they do indeed have blankets here, so I figured I’d just reinforce my reasons for not wearing clothes in bed. I find it rather discomforting. “We wear clothes not only to keep warm, but cover ourselves. It’s sort of like... we wish we had fur, but we don’t, so we substitute. Plus, we can’t exactly hide our reproductive organs the way most animals do, so not wearing anything at all would... let it all hang out, if you understand.”

She looked confused for a moment, until Pinkie, who had been listening from the doorway, began to giggle in naughty amusement. Twilight’s eyes crossed and her cheeks went aflame as she realized what I meant. “Oh, that’s, uhm... oh.” Her eyes uncrossed, but her blush didn’t subside.

I get a naughty grin. “But if you’re fine with me not wearing pants...”

Her blush went even redder, and Pinkie’s giggling becomes loud laughter.

Eventually the blushing and laughter subsides and Twilight seems ready to ask another question. “Well, wait. If all humans are like that, why wear them? I mean, it doesn’t make much sense really. If it’s all the same, generally, why would you need to hide anything?”

I pause. “Honestly that has multiple answers. Some are better than others. Some say it’s because it’s less distracting when the parts aren’t in your face. Hard to think about your banking job when someone walks up and just happens to have seen a woman walk by and now he’s got a raging boner. On the other hand, some say the reason is because the first woman ate an apple or some shit like that.”

She blinks. “Ate... an apple? What?”

“Specifically a special apple from the... what was it... tree of Courage... no, wait, that’s the Triforce. Wisdom! Tree of Wisdom, that’s it!”

“Wait, so you have to wear clothes because someone ate an apple of wisdom?” she asks, a touch incredulous.

“Wait, you think I believe that crap? No. I do think that some people don’t have the control to get a hard-on just because there’s a woman several meters away with boobs, and an erection is hard to manage even with something to hide it.”

“So... males of your species lack self control around your females? That’s a really big flaw of evolution.” she says, as if speaking to a kindergartener who tried designing an alien.

“Yeah, we’re a pretty messed up species. Some say we evolved from the offspring of a pig and a monkey and I find that hilarious, but whatever the truth is, we seem to have an aversion to being naked. Again, I think it’s because we wish we had fur but we don’t.”

“Yes, I get that, but as far as we know, you’re the first of your species on this planet, so if there aren’t any human females, you won’t have a problem right?”

Huh, you know, she’s right. “Alright, fine, no harm I guess. But no touching, not until the third date, and that’s if you’re lucky.”

Twilight rolls her eyes as I disrobe. “And would you say your proportions are average?”

“For someone just entering their twenties, I’d say yes.”

“Really? Everything?”

“Yes everything. What, is my hair too short?”

“Well, comparing only to pony averages... well, your hair too I suppose.”

“If you’re trying to say something, say it.”

Twilight just turns to her notes, but I hear some mumbles as she writes. “Proportions comparable to most primates; smaller and thinner, with odd shape.”

Doesn’t she mean ‘shapes’? Unless... “Oh, really classy Sparkle, great, you gotta make up some shit about me having a weird tiny dick? That’s sad.”

“I’m not making anything up. Unless it expands more than three-hundred percent, it’s much smaller proportionally than a stallion’s. I suppose if it works, that’s fine, but the comparison is perfectly reasonable.” she says, defending her stance and opinion.

“It gets bigger! Not... that much bigger, but... bigger!” I grab my pants and put them back on, making absolutely sure I’m zipped and buttoned before going for my shirt.

“How much bigger would you say?”

“Dunno, never measured it.”

“Could I-”

“No!”

“It’s just for science!”

“No!”

“Well just- wait, hold on, breakthrough!” She returns to a previous page and writes down something. I see that the page is labelled behavior. Her horn glows as she writes the next part, again mumbling. I feel kinda tingly. “Subject gets angry when substandard sexual capabilities mentioned.”

Okay, that’s it! “Fuck you, Twilight! Fuck you sideways with a flaming grandfather cactus!” I’ve never really experienced this before but it must be what people refer to as ‘blind rage’. I must say, it’s brighter than I’d imagine.

“Anthony, look!”

Twilight has conjured a mirror in front of me. What I see is... astonishing. I’m glowing. Like, my body is just... glowing. A pale cyan aura, my visible skin now a sort of steel-gray... and partially see-through. I don’t have eyeballs, just spots of light, like stars planted in my head. I blink, and then I’m suddenly back to normal. My clothes didn’t seem damaged at all, and I don’t feel any different.

The entire time, Twilight has been frantically taking notes, her quill a blur as she magically scribes what she saw. She’s already gone through one inkwell.

Celestia and a pony in gold armor which couldn’t possibly protect against anything sharper than a butter knife walk in along with another bigger pony, this one a pretty midnight blue, her flowing, shimmering mane much more subdued than Celestia’s, but still just as incredible. I like it a lot better. There’s no mistaking it, this had to be Princess Luna.

“Hello, princesses.” Twilight smiles widely. “I think I’ve made a breakthrough.”

“I suppose so. Or at least made our new arrival very annoyed.” Luna began inspecting me, looking over my body as she levitates me closer to her with her magic. “And what a strange new arrival this is. I must admit, when my sister told me about you, I assumed she was exaggerating.”

“Uh could you put me down, please?”

“Oh of course, my apologies.” Luna takes a few more seconds to inspect me before releasing me from her magical grip.

“So.” Twilight returned everyone’s attention to her. “This discovery I made was executed with the help of a spell on my part, so I’m not sure exactly how accurate my notes would be in a natural occurrence.”

“Yeah, so what’s the spell? What’d you do to me?”

“It was, er... an emotion spell. It temporarily enhanced your emotional reactions, so when you got angry, you got very angry.”

“Never do that again. No more magic spells on me without letting me know what it does and why. Also, our ‘discussions’ never get mentioned to anyone ever. Ev-ver.”

Celestia ponders for a moment. “I suppose that’s a reasonable request. Very well Anthony. Anyways, the reason why I’m here. With a guard.”

Twilight immediately brightened at the chance to share her knowledge.”Well, I’m not sure how safely we can replicate the events that caused it, but-”

“I started glowing.”

Twilight was upset at the interruption. “Yes. He glowed.” I think she might be mad. “Anyhow, I took some notes-”

“Obviously.”

“Could you please stop interrupting me?”

“Maybe for more ice cream.”

Twilight let out a frustrated groan. “Just be quiet!”

Suddenly, my mouth felt tingly. I checked it and my mouth felt fine. I ask what she did. Wait, no I don’t. I can’t speak! I gesture wildly at Twilight.

“That was just to help things go a bit smoother. You will be able to talk once we are finished.”

She can’t just... mute me whenever she wants to, that’s not fair! What about freedom of speech!? I stomp the floor repeatedly in anger.

“My, I never would have guessed something this large would act like such a child.” Luna’s words stung. I pull up a chair and sit it the corner quietly. Not that I have much choice in the latter case.

Twilight brings her notes out. “Now, as I was saying...”

“This is quite interesting.” Luna muses. “And a bit strange. As trustworthy as you are, Twilight Sparkle, I must admit I am skeptical. I have not seen any evidence of this creature being much more than a large hairless monkey.”

That’s it, she could be Princess of the whole fucking galaxy, but that was too far. I get up and walk towards Luna. Once I’m within arm’s reach, I give her a smile and flick her nose. Hard.

“Agh! Impudent welp! I will give you one chance to apologize!” She is now holding me in her magical grasp once more.

Apologize she says? But I can’t possibly do that with the muting spell Twilight has placed on me. I convey this by holding Luna’s ear up, and screaming into it with as much volume as I could muster. That is to say, none at all.

“You have quite the nerve.”

‘And you use quite the shampoo’ is what I want to say, but obviously I make no sound.

I raise my hands in a ‘bring it on’ motion, holding my fists in front of my face in an overly-exaggerated cartoonish manner.

“Surely you jest.” Came her curt reply.

I rush at her, a bit faster than she could react, and throw myself onto her, giving her a big hug and a noogie.

Luna is not amused. “You are sure this creature is not the product of Discord’s antics?”

“We checked the garden, he is still encased in stone. I assure you, sister, he is doing this of his own volition.”

Luna pursed her lips. “How annoying.”

I give her a kiss on the cheek and hop on top, riding her like, well, a horse. She immediately bucks me off, sending me into the wall behind her. It seems Twilight’s spell has worn off, because I actually make a sound with my reply. “Did anyone catch the number on that bus? It must’ve hit me with like, one horsepower. Maybe half that.”

“I liked you better silent, but not by much.” Luna was fuming. I was having a blast.

“And I liked you... hold on, lemme think.”

“Spineless creature! Feel the wrath of your superior!”

“Really? Chuck Norris is here!?” Since I spent my time making a retort, I don’t have time to move as Luna shoots a dark blue beam of magic my way. Oh, this is gonna hurt. I hold up my arms to protect my face, hoping I’d come out of the ordeal unaffected.

And I do. I lower my arms tentatively, and I see Twilight and the princesses staring at me in shock, Luna with her mouth hanging open.

“That’s it! That’s what happened when we used the Elements of Harmony on him!” Twilight says excitedly but worried.

“I see it, but... I don’t believe it...” Luna was still completely shocked. “How could you possibly-?” Luna turns to Twilight. “Not even the Elements?” When Twilight nods, Luna sits down on her haunches, looking very perplexed.

“That is quite the power you have, my little pony er, human.” Celestia blushes at her slip of the tongue.

“Yeah, and I glow in the dark, too! Now I’ll save tons of money on flashlight batteries!”

Luna still hadn’t said anything. She looked... completely defeated. It broke my heart to see anyone so sad. Especially her, for some reason. I was kind of a jerk. I kneel down and wrap my arms around her.

“I know I seem like a pain, but I honestly don’t wish any ill on anyone. I just... I like to laugh, and usually I have to be my own source of humor.”

Luna nodded, returning the hug. “You will need some instructions on what constitutes good humor... but I suppose you are a decent being at the very least.”

“We seem to have one matter unresolved, still.” We all look towards Celestia as she continues. “Where will Anthony be staying while here in Equestria?”

Suddenly, a bright-pink blur rushes in, and is now in the center of the room, shaking in excitement. Pinkie Pie of course.

“Can he stay in Ponyville with us!?” Pinkie was grinning like she shook a few screws loose when she made her mad dash. Not wasting any breath, if she even needed to breathe that is, Pinkie started on a mantra. “Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeease!?”

“Well... I suppose that couldn’t hurt.” Celestia admitted. “Plus, getting some ponies to get to know him would probably benefit the populace. I fear strange rumors about a monster in Equestria may have already started to spread.”

“Alright, I’ll stay in Ponyville.” Pinkie, overjoyed to hear this, starts saying something about a ‘Welcome Party’ a ‘giant cake’ and something about a rubber chicken. “On one condition.”

Twilight facehooves and groaned. “Not more ice cream...”

I feign astonishment. “Twilight Sparkle! I’m surprised you consider me to be of a one-track mind. I’m aware that there is more to life than frozen desserts. My condition was that I get to stay with you in your library.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight was noticeably confused. “Why Golden Oaks?”

“Because I like to read and if I live in a library, getting a book isn’t as hard as going outside.”

“You are one of the strangest creatures I’ve ever met, Anthony.” Luna responded.

“Awww, I love you too, Lu-lu!”

“That... wasn’t necessarily a compliment...”

“I know that, you silly pony. Hug time!” With that I squeeze Luna in a bear hug, Pinkie Pie jumping in between us to join in the hug.

“So it’s settled. Anthony will be staying at the library with Twilight for the time being.” Celestia had moved us to a proper conference room, calling in the rest of Twilight’s friends.

Nods and murmurs of agreement fill the room.

“On the upside, I’ll be able to study you easier.”

I turn to Twilight. “Upside? You imply that being in my extended presence could nonplus you in any way, shape or form?”

“Yes. Yes I do.” Twilight deadpans in response.

“What!?” I yell. I decide to accentuate this by increasing my size once more. In the much larger space of the meeting hall, I have the chance to become much larger than before as a result.

I pick up Twilight, my frame making her about as large as my open palm. Twilight gulps as I hold her close to my face, eyes narrowed. I contract my fingers around her, making her fully aware I could squish her by simply making a fist.

I bring her as close enough to my face that I can hear her shaking, ragged breathing, and give a harsh whisper of “I lick you.”

“What?” Twilight confused once again. This is too easy. And fun.

I do as I said I would, flicking my tongue out and sliding it along Twilight’s back, earning a disgusted exclamation from both Twilight and Rarity.

I put Twilight down and return to my normal size, smacking my lips.

“What the hay!?”

“No, not hay. You taste more like raisins.” Unfortunately nobody here has heard ‘Amazing Horse’, making my comment another in-joke.

“I again feel the need to check on Discord’s statue...” Luna speaks up once again.

I get back in my seat, a guard bringing Twilight a towel. “So, who exactly is this Discord guy you all keep mentioning?”

Chapter 4

We stayed in the meeting hall as the six ponies and both princesses relayed all the information, both general and personal, they had on Discord.

Twilight being the last one to offer her experiences, finished her little triad. “And that’s Discord, Spirit of Chaos.”

I nod. “Sounds like a neat guy. I’d like to meet him.”

The six ponies stare at me in shock, Princess Celestia offering her thoughts on my comment. “Didn’t you hear what we said?”

“Of course I did. I heard every word from all of your stories.”

Twilight stood up. “Then why would you say you want to meet him?”

“Well you all, and I do mean all, seem to have some gripe with Discord. On the rare occasion I heard any form of compliment, it was immediately followed by a mentioning of something he did that each storyteller considered awful. I’m not going to judge someone solely based on what others say. I’d like to meet him and get to know him myself. That way I can see if I feel the same way or not.” I reply resolutely.

Twilight looked rather mollified by my logic. “I suppose that makes sense... But we are not releasing Discord!”

“Fine, suit yourself. Anyone else important I should know about?”

Twilight holds up a piece of parchment up and scanning through it. “Well, there’s Spike for one.”

“Spike? Is he your dog or something?”

“Hey!” There’s a genuine surprise. A voice that actually sounds rather masculine. Prepubescent, but masculine all the same. I turn and see a small, bipedal reptilian creature. It climbs up on the table in front of me, using a chair to reach high enough. Now it’s looking at me. “I am not a dog! I’m a dragon!”

I lean my head against my arm, elbow propped up on the table. “Fascinating. Can you roll over?”

“Yes I c- er, shut up!” he says indignantly, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Never.” I grin. “So what’s your story?”

“Well, Twilight hatched me from my egg, and I’ve been her faithful assistant since I learned to write.” He seemed rather proud of this.

“I see. And what have you been doing?”

“Well, Twilight sent me here to Canterlot. My job was to search all the libraries I could find for books on strange creatures.” he jerks a thumb over his shoulder, and I can see the edge of a literal wagon full of books. “I have them on a cart outside. I suppose the reason she was freaking out was you showing up.”

“Okay, so...” I shrug. “Guess I’m your new housemate.”

“Huh?” The little guy looks confused, one eyebrow... ridge raised.

Twilight decided to respond for me. “For the time being, he will be staying at the library. This way he can interact with ponies and I can study him further.”

“Just don’t stick any thermometers where they don’t belong, okay Ms. Science?” The entire ensemble of ponies and dragon all groaned.

“Seriously? This guy is gonna be staying with us, Twilight?” Spike asked.

I give him a noogie. “Yep, don’t you feel lucky?”

“Immensely...” was the flat response I got from him. He’s got a good deadpan going there.

“Well, we should head back tah Ponyville I s’pose...” Applejack suggested. It was getting rather late, the windows becoming almost reflective with how dark it was outside.

“Yes, but I think I’ll teleport him to the library directly. We don’t want him causing a stir on a train-ride.” Celestia pointed out.

“But I wanna stay! You said I should meet the ponies!”

“That I did, but if your presences causes panic, I’d prefer if it was not on a train moving down a mountainside. Thus, I insist that you be teleported.”

“No, I’m not gonna.” I cross my arms in defiance.

“Anthony...” she says, looking angry. She takes a deep, calming breath. “Anthony, will you please allow me to teleport you? I’m trying to make sure nobody gets instigated to hasty actions. You or somepony else.” she explains.

“...fine, but tomorrow all bets are off, I’m still gonna do what I want.”

She heaves a sigh. “Fine...” she turns to Twilight. “I’m trusting you to keep charge of him. Keep him out of trouble if you can, and keep track of his progress. Don’t ignore your other duties, but... keep an eye on him, please.” she says, gently. I understand Twilight’s her royal subject and all, but she doesn’t have to be so nice right after being so rude to me!

We get back to the library via teleportation again and I try to find a place to get comfortable. Twilight seems to have other ideas for me though, seeing as how she just put a large tome in front of me. “Equestrian law and it’s history.” I read off the cover. “Yeah, no.”

“Well how do you expect to follow our laws if you don’t know them?” Twilight asks, the obvious answer staring in her face not blunt enough for her.

“I don’t expect to follow your laws. Or your rules. I will respect your privacy and that libraries are supposed to be quiet but other than that, I do what I want. Nobody’s the boss of me but me. Only rule I follow: I follow whatever rules I want to follow. Get it?”

"Well, that's just silly! You're still subject to the laws, you know." she says, furrowing her brows, "You can't just ignore them because you want to."

“Actually, I can. I am not subject to the laws, I’m subject to the consequences of not following said laws, there’s a difference.”

"That's the same thing! Being subject to the consequences of breaking the law is exactly what being subject to the law means!"

“Not gonna change my mind. Depending on the consequences of individual restrictions I will decide what I’m going to do or not. Like if you’re under Sharia law and stealing gets your hand sliced off, I’m probably not gonna steal anything. But if it’s a slap on the wrist then why the hell not? I’ve had worse than a slap on my wrist. Get the idea? I’m not here to break rules, I’m here to bend them and then stopping before they do break.”

"What? But why? The laws are there to protect and aid you!" she says, looking confused and a bit hurt at the thought of willfully bending the rules repeatedly.

“Rules? There to keep you safe? Of course they are! I’m rebellious, not stupid. The problem is that a lot of ‘safety measures’ also tend to kill the fun. Like wearing a helmet. Trust me, there’s gonna be some kid who thinks it’s stupid until they fall and hurt themselves. We call these people ‘kinetic learners.’.”

"Like pegasi? I understand the idea, but that's a guide, not a law. You really need to learn them; there's only a few thousand actual laws in place with strict guidelines, and the rest are mostly meant to be flexible. And we have far fewer laws than many other nations in the world. Anthony, take me seriously; you need to follow the rules!" she says, puffing out her cheeks and chest in an attempt to look more serious, though all it does is make her look more fluffy.

“I’m sorry but it’s, heh, hard to take you seriously when you look like a pissed-off kitten. Just saying.” I pick up the large book and stick it back on the shelf. “Let me simplify things for ya, m’kay? I’ll do things my way, and you can do things your way, and we try not to get in each other’s way, how’s that sound?”

She grunts in irritation. “You have to listen to me, though! Celestia put me in charge of you!” she says, flailing her hooves in the air.

“Yeah? Well, I’m saying nobody’s in charge of me but myself, so you can tell your princess to shove it. And while you’re at it, tell her to queen it up, she isn’t fooling me with the princess crap.”

“What queen?” Twilight aks, irritation and confusion in her voice. “We don’t have a queen! We’ve never had a queen!”

“Exactly. She’s the one in charge, so she’s the queen. The princess is the daughter of the ones in charge. She’s probably just keeping the princess title because it sounds cute and she’s in denial that she’s old as dirt.”

“What? No, the Princesses are the highest authority in Equestria. That’s just how it works!” she says, face scrunched up. “We’re not a monarchy, we’re a diarchy.”

“Yeah, Luna. So you have two queens. Still a diarchy and the rulers get to age with some damn dignity. As for princess being the highest title, who told you that?”

“The princesses, of course.” Seems Twilight misses what that answer means. “And the fact that there isn’t anyone else who would be ruling us. There’s only three known Alicorns in the world, and my sister-in-law is definitely not a queen. She’s only royalty by adoption, actually.”

“Well, what if I ruled you all and I made ‘princess’ second-in-command?” I’m rather interested in the response to that.

She gives me a look of horror and disgust. “What? Why would you even ask that?!”

“Part of being a scientist is thinking about variables and you’re a science enthusiast, right? So, suppose for the sake of argument that I was in charge and the princesses worked for me. What do you think would happen? General theory.”

“Well, we’d have a different system of rule, so it depends. Would you, theoretically, set up a dictatorship, an oligarchy, a democracy, a plutocracy, an autocracy-” she doesn’t seem to be slowing, and likely won’t stop if I don’t interrupt her.

“Sorry Twilight, but you seem to be misunderstanding. It would be a monarchy. Me in charge alone and the princess title being replaced with, say... advisor? That works for me.”

“Uhm... then they’d be advisors? You already gave the answer in your question, so what was the point?” she asks.

“Wow, and I thought you were supposed to be the smart one. The question was ‘what would happen’ in general, not ‘what would happen to the princesses’, genius. Pay attention.”

“I don’t know, I’d have to know how you got to power, what sort of pony you are, how you would rule... there’s a lot more variables involved, Anthony.”

I grin widely. “Looks like we’ll have to set up an experiment then, wouldn’t we?”

“No.” She glares at me.

“Oh fine, whatever. But still, I’ll decide what laws I want to follow and you can like it or not, I don’t care. The princess put you in charge of me, but since I disagree with that, I’m saying you aren’t in charge of me. You following me?”

She grits her teeth, and growls, her eyes shut tightly. Her face has even developed a bit of a tic.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Good talk Sparkle. Now, what do you have to read around here?”

She takes a few breaths, and opens her eyes. “I have several texts on a wide variety of topics. What sort of book would you like to read?” she asks, a creepy smile on her face.

“Something with a good plot, I don’t like boring reads.”

She glares at me again. “Well, fine, if you don’t want to take this seriously-!” she starts, catching me off-guard.

“What? I want a storybook with an emphasis on the story being told, what the heck did you think I meant?”

“Oh! Right... Uh, nothing.” she blushes, looking embarrassed. “Okay uhm... what’s your reading level?”

“College, second year.”

“Alright.” she nods, mollified slightly. “I think I can find something, though I do insist you at least look into our law books, now that you’ve confirmed your reading level puts you high enough to understand the more complex parts.”

I roll my eyes. “Fine, just don’t expect me to do more than skim.”

“Well at least that’s progress compared to before... kind of.”

We sat in silence for a while, just reading. Eventually I get to a stopping point and put my book down. As I’m heading for the front door, Twilight stops me. “Where are you going? It’s practically midnight.”

“Yeah, I know. And as such, I am tired.” I open the door and step outside. Twilight once again uses her magic to hold me in place. “But where are you going?”

“Dunno.” I reply honestly.

“Why?”

“Well, unless you have a bed for me, I’m gonna find somewhere else.” That stopped her. The decision for me to stay was only made earlier today. “But... why don’t you sleep on the table like when we found you?”

I reply with my best ‘You’ve gotta be kidding’ look.

“Well, where are you going to sleep, then?”

“Anywhere I want.”

“But... you can’t just do that!”

I enhance my size to five times my original height. “Assuming my weight increases proportionally to my height, I can now.”

“What? Why?”

“Because at this point I weigh about a thousand pounds.”

“I don’t get it...”

“Get your nose stuck in a joke book sometime. I’m gonna go find somewhere to sleep.”

“But-”

“Seeya tomorrow, Twi.”

I dash off, using my longer legs to carry me as far from her as possible before she can react. I hear a loud groan from behind me before I get too far. Heheh, she mad.

Eventually I come to a little field. Well, I’m rather big at the moment so I suppose it’s not that little. I find a nice soft patch of grass and take a look around, shrinking back to normal size. Today was interesting. I stare up at the night sky and note how clear and open it is, the stars sparkling brightly, twinkling like they were almost alive. If there’s one bonus to this place, it’s the night sky. So beautiful. Staring at the large, full moon I feel drowsy but safe. Yeah, it should be fine to just sleep out here in the open. I close my eyes and lay down on the soft grass, still slightly warm from the bright sunny day earlier. I suppose today went pretty well...

I feel something tap me in the side. I roll over. It’s not morning until I say it is.

The pokes continue, but in different places. Then the voices, young and and annoying.

“Whaddya think it is?” Poke to my side.

“No idea. It looks weird.” Poke to my elbow.

“It’s kinda squishy.” Poke to my chest.

“You think Miss Cheerilee will know?” Poke to my forehead.

“Sure, Miss Cheerilee knows everything!” Poke to my cheek. I’ve had enough. As soon as I feel the next poke, in my stomach, I grab the thing that was poking me. “Woah! It’s moving!”

I realize that I am holding a stick. I was being poked with a fucking stick!? Now I’m really pissed off. I sit up and look at my inquisitors. A pair of small ponies. Unicorns. One looks fat, the other one looks more like a tiny giraffe, which is plausible since horses and giraffes are in the same family. They turn to run, but I grab them both by the base of their necks. I hold their shivering bodies up to my face, glaring at them.

“This. Is not. A petting zoo.” They gulp, and start flailing. I stand up, now carrying them both, one under each arm. “You know, you two are pretty stupid.”

They are now whimpering. With a sigh, I look around. I see a little red building. It’s the closest place, so why not? I go up to the door and tap on it with my foot. After a few minutes, the door opens. Surprise surprise, another pony. This one kind of a subdued pink. Or maybe some shade of purple. Whatever.

“O- oh my.” The magenta mare looks utterly shocked to see me standing here. It’s probably the kids I have under my arms.

“Close your mouth, you look like a fish.” She shuts her jaw and stares up at me. Even though I’m only in my normal size, I’m still a decent meter or so taller than her. I decide to get this over with. I hold up the two young ponies, making sure she can see them both. “I don’t know if these things are yours, and I honestly don’t care. They’re your problem now, deal with them.”

I drop them at her feet unceremoniously and walk off. I like kids, but only when they aren’t pricks. I realize I don’t really know which way I went when I left the library, as it was rather dark. I stopped a few ponies in the road to ask for directions, but the dang horses wouldn’t stop stammering. Eventually I come across what seems to be a giant gingerbread house. Eh, I’m hungry. Might as well ask if they have anything for free. I mean, it’s a gingerbread house. There’s no way it didn’t offer some kind of food. If it didn’t, that’d be the worst marketing ploy in the history of everything.

I walk in the door, ducking my head a bit to avoid the doorway. “Hello? Is anyone here?”

A blue mare with pink whipped cream for hair came in from a back door and greeted me, not looking up until she actually reached the counter.

“Er... um... hello there?” her mouth gapes open too. Must be a pony thing.

“Yeah, hi.” says, stuffing my hands into my pockets. “Got anything to eat? I’m hungry... and broke.”

“Well, uh...I...” she stammers, lost for words.

“Fine, if you don’t offer free samples, how about directions to the library?” The mare just stares at me, pointing numbly to the Northwest. “Thanks.”

I walk off. Celestia was right, these ponies really need to get used to me. It’s not a long trek before I come across the library. This town needs some sort of tourist map. I open the door and let myself in, plopping down in the chair I sat in last night. My book was on the center table, so I picked it up. I barely read a few sentences when Twilight comes down the stairs, her hair a complete mess. “Oh, it’s you...”

“Well, good morning to you too, Miss Sunshine.”

With a sigh she makes her way to the kitchen. At least that’s what I assume, as that’s where she brought in the ice cream from. After a while, I hear a sharp whistle and I recognize the sound as a tea kettle. I wonder what kind of tea they have in Equestria. I hope they actually prepare it right, and it’s not just boiled leaf-water. Twilight enters the room with a kettle and ceramic cup floating a bit behind her head.

“So how strong is that stuff?”

“Meh.” Her grunt is both noncommittal, and grumpy in the same tone.

“Not much of a talker today, are you?”

She turns a glare on me. “Anthony, shut up or I’ll glue you to the ceiling by your nose.”

“Oh come on, that’s best threat you have? I can think of way worse things.”

“I’m sure you can.” She concedes, taking another drink.

“Like, say, pull out someone’s lower intestine, tie it into a noose and asphyxiate them with it.”

“That’s disgusting!” she says, slamming the table with her hooves hard enough to make the decorations on it jump.

“Hence why it’s a good threat.”

“Just... shut up.” She takes a long drink from the cup, and refills it.

At this point Spike is coming down the stairs, and comes out of the kitchen with his own teacup.

“Please tell me you’re a morning person.”

“Already met ‘morning Twilight’ I take it?” Spike says, sounding a little apologetic.

“You’d expect twilight in the morning to be a bit sunny, but in reality it’s pretty dull and lifeless.”

“You know I’m right here!” Twilight yells indignantly.

“And your point being?” I ask. Why would I try to hide criticism from the target?

“Uuuuugh...”

“You know, I never got an answer. How strong’s that tea?”

Twilight glares daggers at me. “Here, why don’t you find out!?”

Next thing I know, I’m covered in boiling hot tea with an upturned kettle laying on my lap. “Holy crap that’s hot!”

“Enjoy.” Twilight responded icily, heading for the kitchen, presumably to make more tea.

I nudge Spike, grinning. "She totally digs me."

Spike looks at me, a strange look on his face. He just shakes his head and returns to his cup. I decide to wash myself off. Luckily the sinks in Equestria function pretty much the same. Once I’ve cleaned myself of the hot beverage, I take a look in the mirror. It seems that with all the teleportations I was unprepared for yesterday, my hair is scorched black as opposed to the usual brown, and it’s much shorter than I remember, almost only a sliver atop my scalp. I also lack eyebrows. The strangest part was that my skin seems completely untouched. Strange. Maybe Celly healed me, but left me with the haircut for kicks.

I decide to keep reading my book. If it weren’t for the fact that Indiana Jones probably didn’t exist here, I’d call it copyright infringement. If I was George Lucas, I’d be pissed. It wasn’t bad, but this Daring Do character is like a total ripoff. If she were real, I’d probably call her a phony.

Anyway, I hear a knock at the door, and Spike goes over to answer it. Upon opening it, a pink blur I suppose is Pinkie Pie rushes in, and starts jumping up and down on top of my chest. Yep. Pinkie. “Good morning! Did you sleep well? I wanted to come over earlier but Twilight’s kinda grumpy in the morning so I waited! I can’t wait for your welcome party! Oh I forgot to tell you I planned a welcome party for you! I also invited a bunch of ponies so they can meet you! It’s at Sugarcube Corner of course! Wait you’ve never been to Sugarcube Corner before! Come on let’s go!”

I am now being dragged by my arm at high speed. I don’t know how Pinkie can do anything like this, but at least it’s not being stuck inside the library with a grumpy Twilight. Eventually Pinkie starts to slow down and she pulls me to my feet. I realize I’m in front of the gingerbread shop again. Wait a sec. “Is this Sugarcube Nook?”

“Corner. Sugarcube Corner. And you bet it is!”

“Huh, small world. But why does it look like a gingerbread house?”

“Because gingerbread houses are delicious! It helps to sell treats like cakes and pies and cupcakes!”

“Why not make it look like a cake then? And why call it Sugarcube Corner? The name and outer design fit the sweets theme, but they are a bit misleading. I’d expect a place called Sugarcube Corner to be a sugar factory.”

“Oh don’t worry about that, let’s party!” She pushes me through the door and into the bakery I was in less than five hours ago. Pinkie makes herself known in her usual manner: Loudly. “Mrs. Cake! I’m back, and I brought Anthony!”

From the kitchen I hear the voice of the mare from earlier. “That’s great Pinkie, you’ve certainly been building up this mystery friend of yours.” She comes out of the back just like before. “I can’t wait to meet... oh.”

I give a little wave. “Hey, how ya doing?”

The mare sighs. “Why am I not surprised?”

Chapter 5

“So, Mrs. Cake is it? I’m afraid you were too paralyzed to give me your name earlier.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly the most common sight.” she says, looking much calmer this time around.

“I agree completely, after all, I am quite stunning to look at.” I stick out my chest to improve my ‘stunningness’. Stunningness is now a word if it wasn’t before.

She shrugs. “I suppose that’s one way to see it.”

“So, who’s Mr. Cake? Let me guess, he’s got a giant cherry for a hat.”

“Um, no. I suppose he should meet you before the party starts though.” Mrs. Cake disappears into the back room once more. After a few moments, a skinny yellow pony comes out. Given the look he has on his face when he sees me, I think he’s going to pull an ostrich and bury his head in the ground.

He shifts in place, leaning his head toward Pinkie. “C- can it speak?”

I decide to reply for Pinkie as I rest my folded arms on the counter. “Why yes I can. Is there any particular topic you’d like me to address, horseface?”

“Uh. No, not really...” he says, nervously.

After a while, the party is set up, and thanks to my height, we got all sorts of banners and such put up rather quickly. In fact, it was still ten minutes before anyone was supposed to show up, but Pinkie assured me that when she throws a party, lots of ponies show up early.

And as we were chilling in the back with a plate of chocolate cupcakes, the bell above the door rings, signifying someone’s presence. I learn that Mrs. Cake wouldn’t be the only pony I’d meet again at this little gathering. It’s that purple-whatever mare I dropped the brats on earlier.

“Hey look, it’s fishface.” I call out, waving to her.

This mare is special. When she sees me, all she does is do a double-take. She walks up to me and holds her hoof up. “I’m afraid we didn’t get properly introduced, Mr...”

“Anthony” I take her hoof and shake it.

“I’m Cheerilee, the schoolteacher.” she says, with a polite nod.

“Those brats seemed to know you.” I say, annoyed at thinking about those kids again.

“Yes, they were some of my students.”

“Maybe you should teach them that if they see something sleeping, they shouldn’t poke it with a stick.”

“Oh my, I’m sorry.” she gives me an apologetic smile. “Please understand that they’re just curious, you are quite... interesting.”

“I suppose.” Cheerilee sat down with us and Pinkie turns to me.

“Wow Anthony,” she says, looking between me and the teacher. “How many other ponies do you know?”

“Other than the rest of your friends, none. I only met these two today.” Speaking of her friends, Rainbow Dash and Applejack walk in. I look at the two. “Well, this is interesting, I wouldn’t expect the proud Rainbow Dash to come to my welcome party.”

“I’m here ‘cause Pinkie’s throwing it.” she says, crossing her hooves over her chest and

“It seems that a lot of ponies like Pinkie’s parties.”

“Think of this as your Ponyville Initiation Ritual.” Dash says, somberly.

“Initiation?” What kind of initiation involves cake and streamers?

“Yeah!” Pinkie says, popping up out of my peripheral vision, “I do this for everypony who visits Ponyville for the first time! Then you can meet all sorts of ponies and they can all meet you! Isn’t it great!?”

“Yeah. So where’s Twilight? I’m sure she’s finally woken up by now.”

Rainbow answered my question. “Eh, Twi doesn’t show up early. She always arrives right on time, even though she knows she doesn’t have to. Same with Rarity.”

“And Fluttershy?”

“She’ll probably show up, but don’t expect it to be in a large crowd.”

“Lives up to her name, huh?”

She nods. “Since we met at flight camp.”

The party has started, and each new pony spent their first two minutes staring at me like I was going to eat them. Here comes one now. A blue unicorn with a blue and white mane. Pinkie does her usual introduction. “Minuette, this is Anthony! This party is for him!”

Minuette stares at me like everypony else. I decide to spice her day up a little more.

“Rawr.” I bare my teeth, making sure she can see my canines. I swear, she almost screamed. These ponies are way too easy it’s not even fun. “Pinkie, can I go back to the library now?”

“Why? There’s so many ponies that need to meet you!”

“Exactly my reason to want to leave...”

“Aww come on, they just need to get used to you!”

I stopped caring about their names, and now I just mentally refer to them as the tattoos on their rears.

There’s iTunes, Save-the-Dolphins, Candy-ass, Grandpa’s Watch, Fruit Salad, First Aid... geez there are a lot of these damn horses.

I’m struck by an idea. “Hey Pinkie, how about I introduce myself to everyone at once?”

“*GASP* That’s a great idea! But how do we do it?”

“Easy.” I stand up and walk outside, and grow until I’m twice as tall as Sugarcube Corner.

Now that my huge form blocks out the sun, I get everyone’s attention rather quick.”Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’m a human. This party is for me. Moderately pleasant to meet you all. Bye.”

I shrink back down and walk through the crowd of fish-mouthed horses. There’s so many I have to push a few away. Eventually I get to the library and sit down to read. Something seems off. When I look out the window, almost all the ponies in town are standing outside talking to each other. Damnit. With a sigh I get up and head out the door.

“What do you rubberneckers want?” Suddenly they are all talking at once. I can’t tell what any of them are saying. “Shut uuuuuup!”

Oh sweet silence, I love you. “Alright, I’ll answer five questions, if a question is too similar to a previous one, I’ll ignore it and you lose your chance. You have ten minutes to decide what you want to ask me.”

Sounds of agreement spread throughout the crowd and I leave them to their debate. Suddenly, Twilight is in front of me, having teleported inside. “Why is the majority of the town outside the library?”

“Take a guess, genius.”

Twilight rolls her eyes. “Okay, point taken, but what is going on?”

“Ask them.”

“Fine, I will.” Twilight relents and heads out the door, sighing. She comes back out a few moments later. “What’s this about questions?”

“I said I’ll answer five questions, and that they must agree on what to ask me.” I look at a clock. “They have five minutes.”

“And why did you say you’d eat anypony who asked a stupid question?”

“I didn’t. They’re freaking out.”

“Well, tell them that!” Twi demands, vehemently.

“I don’t care what they think. You do it.”

Twilight sighs again, but stays inside. Once the ten minutes are up, I open the door and stand in front of the mass of equine annoyances. “Alright, what do you want to ask?”

A hoof is raised. “Yes, the yellow one with the carrots on her butt?”

“What did you say!?”

“I said you’re yellow and have a lame tattoo. Four more questions.”

The crowd groans. No more hooves, just voices. “What are you?”

“A human, I told you earlier. Three left.”

“What do you eat?”

“Anything I consider food. Two questions.”

“Why are you here?”

“I have no idea. One question left, choose well.”

I was not prepared for the next question. I couldn’t be.

“What’s the difference between chopped beets and pea soup?”

I burst out laughing. Oh god, that was absolutely priceless! At this point I’m on the floor, holding my stomach, laughing like a madman. Eventually I stand back up, still panting and chuckling. “Heh... heh... o- okay. I’ll do it. Anyone can chop beets...”

The same pony who asked the question replies at the top of her lungs. “But nopony can pee soup!”

I run out into the crowd and find the pony, and give the little filly a high five. Well, for me, it’s more of a low five, but the effect is the same.

I pick up the tiny pony, a small light-orange filly with purple eyes, and a mane a shade darker than her coat.

“What’s your name little girl?”

“Noi!”

“Aren’t you just adorable?” I hold her in my arm and tickle her. That laugh is totally addictive. I hold her above my head like that one scene from Lion King and make my first public declaration. “Noi is best pony!” She is laughing again. I place her on my head and run off, she is now chanting for me to “Go faster!”

The rest of the town just stares at me. Suddenly, I hear the call of the common Killjoy. “Noi, young filly, get back here now!”

“Five more minutes, mom!”

“Now! Don’t make me start counting!” Mom voice wins out, as always.

“Awwww...”

I set Noi down on the ground, and she runs off to her mother. “Bye Anthony!”
That was the best thing ever. Too bad she doesn’t know my real name, but I’m not too sure I should reveal that bit of info to anyone just yet.

“Are you insane!?” Twilight yelled at me as soon as I get back inside the library.

“Most likely.” I freely admit I might be insane, though I’ve never been formally diagnosed.

“Well you... what?”

“I agreed with you. I sure ain’t normal.” Unless you count ADHD as normal, but probably not, Pinkie seems like a special case around here.

“That’s an understatement.”

“Yep.” I pat Twilight on the head and sit back down with my book.

“And... and what do you call what happened out there?”

“Hmmm... Fun, I think I’ll call it fun.”

“Spike, take a letter!” Spike ran into the room, already armed with a quill and parchment. Twilight proceeded to dictate her message. “Dear Princess Celestia, please find a way to get rid of this stupid monkey as soon as you can, I fear my sanity and that of Ponyville may be on the line. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” When Spike is finished, he rolls up the parchment and ignites it with green fire breath.

“Riveting story.”

“Bite me.”

I bare my teeth. “Where do you want it?”

She doesn’t respond, at least that’s what I think. She walks up to me and turns around. “What, you want me to bite your ass? Kink-Ooooooooohohohohohooooo”

I fall on the ground, my legs not able to hold me up. So much pain... I gingerly hold my ‘vulnerables’ as Twilight just steps over me. “Spike, I’m going to make some tea, would you like to join me?”

Spike just gives me an apologetic look and calls back. “Uh, no... I’m good.”

“Suit yourself. Anthony?”

“Y- yes...?” I swear my voice is an octave higher.

“Don’t mess with me.”

“Understood...”

It’s the next morning, and I wake up. I slept in the same place as before, the grassy area by the schoolhouse. When I wake up, I realise Cheerilee actually doesn’t mind, as there’s a note on my chest that says “Do not touch or wake. Miss Cheerilee.”

Suddenly, a flash of light. I turn towards it, and a very skinny beige pegasus kid is flying away. I don’t know what he did, but I’m sure I don’t like it.

He’s actually a good flier, pretty fast. I’m not gonna lose to a kid. I pour on the speed, and leap up, grabbing him by the leg and drag him down. I’m now kneeling over him. He gets one look at me and absolutely loses it. He squirms away and beats it as fast as he can.

I look down and see a camera. So that’s the flash... wait. I look at my reflection in the lens. It’s a bit curvy, but I’m all glowy and blue again. Cool.

I head back to the schoolhouse and knock on the door. Cheerilee answers. “Oh, hello Anthony, did you sleep we-”

She stops when she sees the stern look on my face. “You need to get leashes for these punks.”

I hand her the camera. the strap is broken, but the camera itself isn’t damaged. “Oh my...” she looks more disappointed than angry, so I’m in the clear. “I expect Featherweight will be coming back for this...”

I turn to leave. “You tell the shutterbug that he can keep the negatives, but if he tries this again, he’s going to need a new camera.”

“Uh...”

“And if I end up in a newspaper, I’m gonna find his darkroom and wreck it.”

Now she looks taken aback. “O- okay...”

I’m back at the library. This time, Twilight is actually fully awake. “Hey nerd, get your notebook, I got something to show you.”

“What did you call me?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

I’m about to repeat my ‘nerd’ comment but my still aching family jewels tell me to hold off for a bit. I roll my eyes. “Twilight.”

“That’s what I thought.” she says, smiling primly. “Now what is it?”

“Well, let’s just say I was running, and then I started glowing again.”

“Really!?” That got her excited.

“Yeah. I just wanted to go faster and... I spark up.”

“You what?”

I shrug. “Hey, it’s gotta have a cool name.”

“Fine. I need to see this.” she pauses, then, “Oh, wait, let me get something else.” She comes back with a sort of tiny windmill with a gauge on it. Weird. “So, we’re going to see just how fast you can go.”

“With that device?”

“An anemometer”

“Gesundheit.”

Her eyes roll. “Shut up.”

Soon, we come to a lake. Twilight sets up her anemometer and has a stopwatch around her neck. “I’m going to need you to run a few laps, okay?”

“Fine with me, I guess.” more shrugs, but it’s really not that big a deal. “I don’t have anything better to do.”

“I know.” she says, nodding.

I’m a bit surprised by the almost-rude implications of her comment, but then I feel accomplished that I’m starting to ‘get’ to her. “I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Just run.” she says, staring down at the device, not at me.

I get myself ready. I haven’t run laps since PE in high school. Let’s do this. “Ready... Go!” I take off. I’m going really fast. Not much faster than I usually am though. I focus on when I was chasing that kid. The need to go fast. To outpace the wind under his wings... to spark.

Suddenly, I feel it. I feel the wind pushing back, denying me. I don’t listen. Then, another sensation. As if something lights up inside me, and then, like my body just made a complete speed transition, I slingshot forward. I’m probably glowing. I’m not going to check. Gotta focus. Keep going. Faster. Faster. Faster. I feel lighter than air. As if the world has stopped resisting. No constraints, I’ve broken out. I feel free. I see Twilight. I can’t believe I’ve already made a lap, it couldn’t have been even two seconds. Or was it? I don’t know. The speed feels good.

“Stoooooooop!!!”

I’m startled, I lose focus. No. I can’t. Keep control, just, no. It’s slipping. The wind gets its revenge, I’m slingshotted backwards, thrown head over heels, flipping backwards. Once... twice... before I complete the third I slow down and just start tumbling across the ground backwards.

“Woah... that was... incredible...” Twilight says, eyes still glued to the machine, not me.

“I know... wow, out of breath... But.” I’m out of breath, but it feels worth it. “Felt so good, like... I was unmatched...”

“You might be, actually. You broke the anemometer!”

I sit bolt upright, shocked. “Huh?”

“This is supposed to gauge how fast you were going based on the wind speed you generate as you pass. You passed it once and it just... broke.”

“Dang.” I pause. I don’t want to sound stupid, but... “What’s that mean?”

“You can run faster than just about anything recorded.” she says, looking at me with... wonderment?

“Woah, this is heavy.”

She sits back on her haunches, looking a bit dazed. “Yeah.”

I grin. “We’re gonna have to call Rainbow Dash ‘Green Dash’ when she sees me. She’s gonna be so jealous she might change color.”

“I’m not so sure. I’ve never been able to test her upper limit either, so she might still be faster. From the air, at least.”

“All I know is that speed is good... so good.” I fall flat back onto the ground, enjoying the last bits of my speed-induced high. My ‘rush’ as it were.

“I think Rainbow would finally agree with you on something, then.” Twilight chuckles.

I’m still at the track. Twilight’s left. Her stopwatch was useless. Once I really start Sparking, I can finish two laps in half a second. The speed is incredible. I love it. Nothing can stop me... I decide to leave the track. Nothing can keep me from moving. This freedom, it’s like a drug. My mind is clear. I just need to move. I stick my arms out behind me, and I feel like I’m flying. I don’t even feel my feet touch the ground, like I’m lighter than air. I rule the wind...

Wait. I’m stopped. I’m not moving forward. Pain. There is pain. I shake my head and I see that I’ve crashed into none other than Rainbow Dash.

“Ooowowowowowow... Jeez, watch where you’re going!”

“Woah...”

“What’s your dama- Anthony?”

“You stopped me.”

“Excuse me? You were in my way!”

“Why’d you crash anyway?”

“I dunno, I was flying low to the ground, and then I saw something bright and I couldn’t see. Now I’m crashed into you!”

“No.”

“Huh? No, what?”

“No arguing. We settle this. We determine who stopped who.”

“I don’t get it. How do we do that?”

“Whoever is the slower one was the obstruction.” I turn to look her in the eyes. “Don’t you agree?”

I see the fire in her eyes, the determination of a competitor, a daredevil being challenged. “Of course.”

“What’s the challenge?”

She thinks for a moment. “...standard race rules. Three laps. First to finish the third lap first wins. Stay in your lane and no physically interfering with the other racer. Deal?”

“Deal!”

“You ready?”

“Of course. Loser has to admit their inferiority in front of all of Ponyville... while they paint themselves yellow.” I say, setting the bet we’ll be fighting for.

“That’s harsh, dude.”

“If you can’t handle the stakes-”

“You’re on!”

She spits onto her hoof and I do the same with my palm, and we shake on it. The shake turns into an arm wrestle. I try as hard as I can, and I can tell she’s doing the same. I grin. “You didn’t mention any penalties for head starts.”

“Huh?”

I pull away from her hoof and she tumbles forward while I rush onto the track. She’s chasing after me now. But there’s still some distance between us, though she’s closing it quickly. “No fair!” She yells at me.

“All’s fair in love and war, sexy.”

“What?”

That confused her, I take the chance to work on my Spark. “You cheating bastard!”

“Takes one to know one!”

“I’m not cheating!”

“Wasn’t what I was referring to!”

It takes a moment for her to register what I meant by that but when it does, “You got a death wish!?”

“Of course, but so far nobody’s gonna fulfill it!” I charge forward. She’s still moving faster though. We’ve mostly been neck-and-neck. I need to do this, beat her. I feel the spark. We’re coming up on the end of the first lap. Perfect.

“Wh- what? The glow... that was you!?”

By the time I hear it I’m too far away to respond. I’m going to do this. I’m going to become the champion! The fastest! Faster than Rainbow Dash! After about a minute of not seeing Rainbow Dash come up to my side, I feel assured. No way she could make it up now. She might as well- What?

Behind me I hear a sound. It doesn’t register, I have to keep moving. Suddenly I can’t see! My vision is blocked by a brilliant, multi-hued light. It continues forward and I can see again. Rainbow Dash? She’s not even visible, obscured by a shimmering stretch of rainbow. I try and move faster, but I can’t even seem to get closer. Her speed is still increasing, like what I’m seeing is just a blur, a remnant of where she used to be. This is incredible... I can’t win.

I slow down and eventually come to a stop. I head back to the finish line, and once Rainbow Dash realises what I’ve done, she slows down as well, but she keeps going. She crosses the line, now at a more believable, but still incredible speed. “Looks like I need to buy some paint.”

“Heh. That was pretty cool what you did back there with the glowing.”

“Yeah, sure, what was that thing you did? It was like you were moving faster than I could see.”

“It’s called a Sonic Rainboom!” Rainbow puffs her chest up and pumps a hoof in the air to punctuate the ‘boom’ syllable.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m the only one who can do it.” The puffiness increases.

“Wow.”

“So, when do I get my prize?” She says, a cocky tone to her voice.

“Tomorrow. I’ll get Pinkie to gather everyone at the town hall. Once I’m onstage, I’ll do it.”

“This is gonna be so awesome.”

“You cheeky bastard.” We both grin and share a hoof/fist bump and we go our separate ways. Now where do I get paint?

Chapter 6

As I think on where to acquire a bucket of paint, I decide to look for Pinkie. She likes sweets so I figure Sugarcube Corner would be a good place to start. Once I get to the giant gingerbread shop, I look around. I don’t see anyone sitting by the counter, at a table or anything, the place is empty.

“Hello dearie.” Mrs. Cake greets me, now a lot more used to me it seems in the span of a morning.

“Oh, hey Mrs. Cake.” I give a quick look around the restaurant. “I was looking for Pinkie, but it seems she’s not here.”

“Oh, but she is.” the blue pony says, smiling.

“Huh?”

The mare calls out to the store “Pinkie! Anthony is here to see you!”

The usual pink blur zooms down from a flight of stairs and tackles me. This time I’m expecting it, so I end up catching Pinkie as opposed to being bowled over.

“Hiya! What’s up, Anthony!?”

Apparently, Pinkie lives here. It’s a sweet shop. I am not surprised. I explain the competition between Rainbow Dash and I, and what the ramifications for my failure were. “Wow! She needed a Sonic Rainboom to beat you!?”

“Yeah, now I need you to get everyone by the town hall. Also, if you know where I could get a bucket of yellow paint, that would be nice.” She quickly scribbles down something on a piece of paper, hands the slip to me, and dashes out the door. Looking at the paper, I realize that it’s directions to an arts and crafts shop.

This place is a lot more subdued than Sugarcube Corner, that’s for sure. It looks like a typical store. Well, for Ponyville’s usual appearance of wood and thatch. I walk in, again having to duck a bit to avoid hitting my head on the doorframe. Seriously, I wish I could shrink. The first pony I see is wearing an apron covered in paint splotches, she’s busy sweeping the floor.

“Hi, I need a can of yellow paint and a brush.”

Still sweeping, she doesn’t look up, just points. “Paints are on that shelf over there, brushes on the rack past the paint.”

I realize I don’t have any money. That could be a problem. Oh well, I can try anyway. Once I have my merchandise, I walk back into view of the mare. Now she finally looks at me. And she screams. Great. Then, she throws her broom at me. Obviously, it just hits me and clatters to the floor. It’s a broom, and she’s not a unicorn or anything to use fancy magic. These horses are really stupid. I’m suddenly much more thankful for Twilight Sparkle’s intelligent conversations.

I pick up the broom, readjusting my carrying position so I have the bucket under an arm, and holding the brush in my hand.

I approach the mare. She’s cowering in the corner. I toss the broom at her cowering feet, letting it land on the floor.

“This is absolutely the worst customer service I’ve ever experienced. I think I’ll take my supplies for free as compensation.”

Her look of terror changes to one of confusion. “Huh?”

“Make sure you aren’t antisocial before you start a business, horseface.” I make sure to close the door gently. I’m a jerk, but I don’t want to cause property damage.

I get back to the library, placing the paint and brush down, once more sitting down in an almost-too-small chair to read. After a while, I finish the book. Getting up, I decide to check the shelves for another, preferably one a bit more stimulating. Twilight walks in, pauses, then yells at me. “Exactly what do you plan on doing with that paint, mister!?”

“I’m going to put on a show for Ponyville. It involves me getting covered in paint.”

“Why do I not believe you?” She says, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

I shrug. “Because I’m not entirely trustworthy.” I say matter-of-factly while I scan the shelves. I’m a jerk, but I’m honest... sometimes.

Twilight seems to still be learning the art of snark as she has no clever retort. “...yes, that’s it exactly.”

“Awesome, do I get a gold star?”

“No, you get more interrogation.”

“Maybe later.” I return to the shelves, and a book catches my eye. Explanation of magic for beginners. Interesting.

Twilight notices the book I’m holding. “Seriously? That’s for little children. Everypony knows that stuff already.”

“Everypony.” I inflect.

She nods concession. “Fair enough. Seriously though, what are you going to do with the paint?”

“Ask Rainbow Dash.” I sit back down and crack the book open.

She groans, “Oh no, this isn’t going to be one of her pranks, is it?”

That stopped me. “Rainbow’s a prankster?” Oh my, this is interesting.

“You...” she gives me the suspicious-eyes again, “you’re not going to cover somepony in paint?”

“Nope, I already told you, I’m going to cover myself.”

“Why?”

“You could ask Rainbow, or hear my excuse.” I say, turning back to the book a little.

“Despite my better judgement, I’ll hear your excuse.”

I look back at her, “It makes me feel pretty.” I say, grinning happily and fluttering my eyes.

“Of course.” Twilight groaned. She turns to leave, presumably to go ask Rainbow Dash.

I think of something. “Oh, Twilight, I’m probably going to need some money.”

She freezes. “Yes. Yes you do... how’d you get that paint!?”

“Compensation for poor customer service.” I say, turning the page idly.

“You stole it!?” she asks, shrieking.

“Hey, nobody’s perfect,” I shrug, “as much as you may think I am.”

“You’re a theif!” Again, with the shrieking.

“Yeah, I steal. I’m also a liar and a cheater.” I say, turning the page again. She is positively steaming now, teeth gritted in anger. “You wanna go?” I ask nonchalantly

“What?”

“It’s slang. Are you challenging me? You wanna fight?”

“Actually, I kinda do.” Twi admits. She doesn’t look comfortable with that admission.

“Well too bad. I’m not in the mood.” I continue reading the book. Despite what Twilight said, this is very informative.

She growls in frustration. “Get out!”

“No thanks.” I flip to the next page, covered in colorful diagrams for easier reading.

“Do I need to kick you out of my house?” Twilight threatens... badly.

“This is a public library, genius, technically you only own this place because you’re the head librarian.”

“I can bar you.” she says, stiffly.

“Sure you can, but then you’d have no idea where I am during the day.” I warn her.

“...I...” Her face looks like it’s going to implode. One more poke...

“Hey, if I can use my untrustworthiness as a valid argument, I’m gonna.”

“You are such a pain!” she says, growling again.

“You’re not as slow as you look.” Suddenly, I’m not in the library. Teleported again. I look around, and I realize I’m at a train station. I suddenly get an idea. I go up to the ticket stall. “Hey, do you have any trains heading to Canterlot?”

The pony is reading a newspaper, not looking at me. “The Friendship Express goes to Canterlot, it’ll arrive in half an hour.”

“Friendship Express? That is the most frilly name I’ve ever heard for a train.”

“Don’t like it? Go home.” comes the gruff reply.

“Even Celestia can’t do that.”

“Listen buddy, don’t... er...” Now he’s looking at me. And stammering “Uh... B- big...”

“This isn’t big, mate.” I enhance my size once more, making him crane his neck until he’s looking straight up, his chin and neck meeting in a way only a pony could manage. “This is big.”

He gulps. “So, uh... one ticket to Canterlot, is it?”

“If you would be so kind.” I shrink down to normal size once more. He throws some tickets my way. When I pick them up, I realize only one of them actually going to Canterlot, the rest say something about Appleoosa.

The train ride was uneventful; well, to me at least. Some ponies got off the train once they saw me. Once I get to Canterlot, I start asking for directions to the castle. The place, not to mention the ponies, are a lot more regal. But the inhabitants are even bigger wusses. One stallion actually wet himself. Eventually I get to the castle gate, which is being guarded by a bunch of armored, perfectly identical pegasi with spears.

“Outta my way, bucketheads.”

One actually points his spear at me. “S- stop! Don’t move, or w- we’ll attack!”

This time, I decide to make my presence a bit more interesting. I focus on my Spark form, imagining the feeling of energy that comes with it. I assume I succeeded, as the guard just locks up. I brush past him, but am stopped by another guard. “Stand still, freak!”

“Go ahead, make my day!”

He jabs his spear forward, but it seems he misjudged the length of his spear as I don’t feel anything. He looks really scared now. I continue forward, his eyes getting wider and wider as I approach. Wait... something’s off. I look down and realize he didn’t misjudge the length. The entire time I’ve been advancing, I’ve been impaling myself further on his weapon. I don’t feel anything. I wiggle a bit and I notice the spear acts as though I wasn’t even there. I look back at the guard. “Still feeling lucky, Officer Jenny?”

“Uh... uh... uh...” What little color was in his face drains away, his eyes going to pinpricks.

I close the rest of the distance between us. I reach behind me and grab the spear, yanking it out of his hooves and pull it the rest of the way through my midsection. I give the spear a twirl.

He turns to run. Nope. I hold the spear horizontally behind his neck, trapping him between my now solid body and the shaft of wood.

I stare hard at him, I can see my glowing reflection in his eyes. I then power down and let him go. But I’m not done. I grow until the spear is about as big as a pencil, snap it, and shrink back down. I throw the broken spear halves at him. They bounce off his paralyzed body.

I put my hand to the side of his head and push him over, walking past.

I hear him stammer a question. “Wh- what are you?”

“A good guy.” With that, I leave, heading for the castle. I make my way through the empty courtyard and approach the castle doors. More guards. I decide to be a bit more subtle. “Hey guys.”

“State your business, creature!” The guards stay steadfast. They aren’t being rude... just projecting their voice more than is polite.

“I want to see Princess Celestia.” I hope this a reasonable request, because othewise I’m in a tyranny run by the Wizard of Oz, and I have bigger problems than boredom. “I think she’d honor an audience with me, considering she knows me.”

“What?” The guard is a little confused.

“Just call Celly, let her know Anthony is here.” The guard blows a whistle, calling over another guard. Once the situation is explained, he goes to get Celestia, leaving me and the new guy outside. The new guard is an Earth pony with a grey coat. He just stares at me wordlessly.

“What are you looking at?”

“Uh... nothing.” came the reply, he shifts his attention to the thin air right in front of him.

I settle back in, satisfied. “That’s what I thought.”

After a few moments, the large door opens and out walks Celestia. She sighs and gestures for me to come in. “What have you come for?”

I smile and spread my arms approachably. “What, I can’t drop in to visit my favorite princess?”

“I was unaware you thought so highly of me.” she says, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t.” I stick my tongue out at her. Honestly I don’t like either princess better than the other, but the sibling rivalry seems to get on her nerves.

Her eyebrow returns to place, “Well, unfortunately, Luna is asleep at the moment. Perhaps if you came back in a few hours.”

“I can wait, no problem.”

Celestia tilted her head. “I never pegged you to be the type to wait quietly for something to happen.”

I give her my usual smirk. “When did I say I’d be quiet?”

“Anthony, please... just...”

I grin a little wider, and say, “We can just sit and talk if you want.”

Celestia actually pauses at this. “Really? No tricks or games, just talking?”

“Of course.” I nod.

Celestia smiles. “I’d... actually like that. Come with me.”

We eventually come to a door that I follow her through. Thankfully I don’t have to duck much because these door were built for the princesses. We’re in a library. Celestia leads me to the most ill-fitting thing I could imagine in a royal library.

“Beanbag chairs?” I ask for confirmation. Sure they were in a sitting room, but that’s a much less... scholarly setting. Though these are big enough for me.

“I find them rather comfortable, as do many ponies.”

I sink down into the bag, relaxing.

Once she is settled in, Celestia addresses why we are here. “So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Me.”

She rolls her eyes, “Why am I not surprised?”

“Because I’m egotistical.” I answer the rhetorical question.

“Just get to the point, please.” she says, rolling a hoof in a ‘get on with it’ gesture oddly reminiscent of the same human gesture.

“Alright. Your guards at the gate tried to stab me through the chest.”

“What?” She looks genuinely confused and shocked at this.

“Yeah, they’re dicks. Anyway, what’s interesting is that they succeeded. Kind of.”

She pauses for a moment to flick her eyes over me, probably to see where I’d been stabbed. Finding nothing, she asks, “I’m confused, could you elaborate?”

“I’ll do better. I’ll demonstrate.” I begin my Spark. It’s much easier to do it in general than when I’m trying to run. I grab a book from the shelf and toss it to Celestia, who catches it in her magic. “Okay princess, throw it at me.”

She just looks at me. “What?”

“Throw the book. As hard as you like, right at my chest.” I pat my front where I mean as an indication.

“Are you sure?”

I pat my chest, indicating her target again. Celestia sighs and the book is hurled at me so fast I barely see it. She looks concerned for a moment when the book passes through my chest, and she check the ground at my feet to see if it had dropped. “What happened to it?” she asks.

I go over to the far wall and grab the book from the ground, and toss it to her again. She walks towards the wall. “That is... odd. Can you explain?”

“When I’m like this, I can become intangible. Nothing can physically touch me.”

Her jaw drops. “That is... incredible! Unicorns must use incredible supplies of magic to accomplish such a feat-”

“Ponies use magic.” I say, shaking my head. “I don’t.”

She thinks for a moment, then, “...I’d like to test your upper limits, please.”

“Upper limits of what?” I ask as she starts leaving the room once more.

She turns to me, in an attempt to be what I assume is dramatic. “Everything.”

We enter a weight room. I assume it’s for the guards to stay in shape.

“So, what now?”

Celestia levitates a pair of one-handed weight to me and walks to a table. “I want you to sit here, and hold up the weights.”

“They’re barely heavy, this is going to be easy.”

“At first, yes. I will slowly increase their weight in increments of five pounds every minute. We will see how long you can last before you cannot hold the weights above the table by at least one inch.”

“Okay. I’m ready.”

After a while, we determine my limit is actually a bit under seventy pounds per arm, same as before I got here, and I can’t really lift it without using both hands. Without me growing that is. We figure that all my physical aspects increase equal to how much bigger I become.

We discover something else. If I’ve grown, I can’t Spark and vice-versa, meaning I can’t mix the powers. Also, Sparking does not increase my strength.

Celestia wanted to test my speed, but I explained the results of Twilight’s experiment, so we decided that we would just leave my speed as ‘unrecorded’ until better equipment was designed.

I actually like the workout, it’s invigorating. Then Celestia takes me to a pool and hands me some more weights, but these seem to be able to be attached to one’s body.

“I want you to put these on and see how long you can hold your breath. These weights will keep you from rising to the surface. You will pull this chain, ringing a bell, when you feel you can’t breathe any longer.”

“Isn’t this a bit dangerous? I could drown you know.”

“I can easily lift you out of the water, weights or not, with hardly any effort.” she says, in a reassuring tone. “You will be fine, I assure you.”

I pause. “Of all the ponies I’ve met... you’re the most human so far.”

Celestia pauses this time. “I- I’m not sure if that’s an insult or a compliment.”

“Neither am I.” I put on the weights and jump into the water, taking a breath before my head is submerged.

I stay calm. I focus. There is peace. No distractions. The water dulls all sounds to mere thrums on a baseline. I focus on the subtle vibrations of the water moving around me. I don’t know how long I’ve been down here. It could have been two minutes. Numbers mean nothing. Time means nothing. This is nice. After a while, I feel a pressure inside. It’s growing steadily. I suppose I’m running out of air. I want to meet the challenge though. The pressure eventually becomes a burn. I’m done. I remove the weights, leaving them in the pool and swim to the surface, taking in steady lungfuls of air.

I remember Celestia is here when she speaks. “You were supposed to ring the bell.”

“I prefer independance.”

“That is rather evident.” She sighs.

“So how long was it?”

“I’m not too sure.” she checks her timer again. “After a minute or so, you started to Spark again.”

“I didn’t try to, it just happened.” I’m not sure if I’m apologetic, or not. Eh.

She looks back up at me. “Either way, in that state, you lasted thirty-five minutes.”

My eyes widen. “Woah.”

She continues. “With all that we’ve discovered, with your abilities, you are the fastest, and most resilient, person or pony to ever take this training course.”

“Training course?”

She nods serenely. “This is the standard training all my new guards go through as initiation to test them. Other guards use it to see how they’ve improved over time. You’ve outdone all the records of every royal guard I’ve ever met. Even my captains haven’t been able to match.”

“Great Scott...” I breathe.

“I am aware that you need employment, Anthony.” Celestia says, somewhat inquisitively.

“Are you suggesting I join your battalion?” I ask, a bit touchy about the idea.

“If you want.” she says.

“Wait, let me get this straight. You think I would actually function in a military setting?”

“I think the structure would do you well, but perhaps not. I suppose we could find a different job for you. I’m sure a letter of recommendation from me will guarantee a position in whatever you choose.”

After a while, I come up with an idea. “What fuel source do your trains use?”

Celestia is a bit confused, but answers anyway. “We have some that are pulled by groups of ponies, but many of them run on coal.”

“How about I do that? Shovel coal I mean.”

“I suppose, but why would you want to?”

“It shouldn’t be too hard for me, and I won’t be around many ponies.”

“Hmm...” she thinks, then nods. “You are right. I will see what I can do.”

I return to the castle library and plop down in a beanbag. Celestia went off to work on getting me a job and do her usual princess things.

It’s weird. I used to think ‘princess things’ involved brushing your hair, and looking pretty in whatever schmancy dress you put on. Here, it’s paperwork and passing judgement.

It’s the next day, and I’m back in Ponyville. I’m heading to the train station, to start my first day of work. I may be late by a few minutes, or early. I’m not sure.

I walk up to the ticket stall. It’s the same pony as before, and he seems a bit less freaked out. “Sorry Mac, we don’t have any trains running, come back in an hour.”

“You don’t want me here?”

“No, beat it.”

“Princess Celestia might be disappointed you’re turning me down, you see, I’m here to work.”

He shakes his head. “Of course the recommendation had to be for you.”

“Yup, so what first?”

“Come with me.” The pony sighs, leaving his workstation to lead me to mine.

Now I’m in a train, shoveling coal. It’s pretty easy as I thought. Something did surprise me though; a bandanna or mask is not part of the ‘employee uniform’. Apparently, they haven’t had anyone get black lung disease. I’m not stupid, so I’ve covered my nose and mouth with my shirt. I’ll bring a bandana tomorrow.

Eventually, I get bored of shoveling, the back and forth is so obnoxious after a while.

I start to just grab lumps of coal from the pile and toss it in. The lumps are much lighter as individuals than when in shovelfuls.

Very light. Eh, maybe it’s just me. I realize that given my abilities, I could probably take out the entire royal platoon. Celestia would probably stop me, and being public enemy number one of an entire continent wouldn’t be good.

By the time my shift is over, I’m absolutely covered in coal dust. My face is obviously fine, given my foresight, but my arms and clothes have large black spots here and there. I’m walking back to Golden Oaks when I hear a piercing shriek. It was either a mare, or a banshee.

Yep, it’s a pony. Wait, she’s actually approaching me. Oh, it’s Rarity. “Hey, I know we haven’t spent much time together, but was the scream of terror really necessary?”

“Of course dear. I mean, just look at yourself.”

“Just because I look ugly to you...” To make a similar point, supposedly she’s a ‘looker’ but to me, she just puts on makeup and speaks with a better vocabulary than most, she’s hardly desirable.

Rarity shakes her head. “I meant you are positively filthy!”

“Yeah, I’m a coal shoveler now, deal with it.” I turn to walk away.

“No, you require new clothes and a bath immediately.” Rarity insists, following me but keeping her ‘fabulous’ white coat away from the dust cloud I make when I move.

Ugh, they want to help me. This is worse than being scared of me. “I think I’ll just deal with it myself, thanks.”

“Do you even have a spare set of clothes?”

“Nope.”

“Wait... you mean...”

“I’ve been wearing this for about three weeks straight? Yup.”

At this, Rarity goes bug-eyed. “You will come with me to my boutique this instant!” she says with a half-hysterical note in her voice.

“Rarity, I’d hate to disappoint you...” Her eyes light up. “But I don’t give a crap, so you can take your new clothes and shove them up yo-”

Rarity has grabbed me in her magic and is now pulling me, I assume, to her clothes shop. I hate unicorns.

A few minutes later, I’m being measured by Rarity. I’d probably do something about it, but being tied to a chair limits my options. I try breaking the bonds by growing, but all it does, oddly enough, is dig my wrists further into the ropes rather than straining them, and so I shrink back down before I hurt myself.

She’s also put a cloth in my mouth to gag me. It might have something to do with my expletive-filled shouts of protest. Maybe. Or possibly her mention of someone sleeping. Anyway, she’s done measuring and is now at her sewing machine making me a ‘fabulous new wardrobe’. I decide to try something. “Mmph!” Stupid gag.

“Do you want something, darling?”

I hate it when she calls me that. I think she knows it.

I Spark up, giving Rarity quite a surprise, as she’s never seen it before. I focus on becoming intangible, the ropes falling in. After a few moments, it happens and I get up off the chair, pulling the cloth out of my mouth. I walk over and grab her by the horn. She’s flailing at this point.

Still holding her horn, I lift her up so we’re eye-to-eye. She’s whimpering, eyes shut tight. “If you put lace or frills on anything, I will get angry.” I whisper those words into her ear, as menacingly as I can manage.

I then set her gently on the ground, turn off my Spark, and walk off to lean against the far wall. I admit, some new clothes would be nice.

The heck is a CMC?

I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I’m woken up.

“Rarity, I’m home!” Owww that is a high pitch...

“Oh, hello, Sweetie Belle. Don’t forget to wipe your hooves on the mat.”

“I know, I did.” The voice is definitely youthful. There’s silence for about three seconds, then a scream. “What’s that!?” My eyes snap open from sheer volume, letting me get a look at a tiny white pony with two-tone hair.

I pick up the little white pony by her midsection and reply. “Something that doesn’t wanna be disturbed.” I put the shaking filly back on the ground and fold my arms. “Am I clear?”

Somehow, she manages to stammer out a reply. “Y- yes mister...”

“Smart kid.”

She dashes up the stairs as fast as she can. I assume there’s a living space up there. What business buildings don’t have sleeping accommodations around here?

Rarity, still at her sewing machine, addresses me. “Did you have to be so harsh, Anthony?”

“No,” I grump at her.

She huffs. “Obviously, but I mean... why?”

“Because remembering something is easier if it scares you.” I shrug at the obviousness of the answer.

“You are absolutely terrible.” Rarity fumes.

“Yep.” Strangely, she actually continues with the clothes. If it were me, I’d kick the bastard out in a second.

After a while, I’m woken up again. My leg is being poked. Out of all possible happenstances, it’s most likely that filly. Obviously she doesn’t realize I’m awake, as she continues her ‘inspection’. Why is it that the first thing kids try is poking me?

I can still hear the sewing machine running. That’s expected, I doubt anyone in equestria has made any clothes for a human.

The filly has changed her tactics. She’s lifted up my pant leg and is feeling around my calf. I decide to remind her of our agreement. “Enjoying yourself, kid?”

I get a startled “Eep.” as my response. This time I pick her up by her tail. “Now, what do you think I’m going to do?”

I watch her wide eyes as her mind races, trying to come up with what might be her fate.

“L- let me go?” That tone is so hopeful, it sounds almost deluded.

“Well, let’s go over what I could do...” I start.

She gulps audibly as I begin.

“I could boil you alive, I could throw you into a fridge until you either freeze or suffocate, I could bury you alive with three minutes of air and see if you can dig yourself out in time, I could stomp on you so hard your spine snaps...”

She’s crying now, but I recognize it as the kind of crying a kid does to get out of trouble and I resolutely ignore it. Fake tears are pointless

“I could tie you to a board and throw knives at you until you get stabbed. I could squeeze your head until your skull cracks. I could tear off body parts until you die from blood loss. I could find out what roasted filly tastes like. I could do all sorts of things. Now, what do you think I’m going to do, furball?”

She whimpers, eyes still wet but the crocodile tears are gone.

“I’m going to give you one more chance.” I set her down again. “Dont. Screw. This. Up.”

She nods rapidly and rushes back up the stairs. I turn to Rarity, staring at me, looking like she’s going to be sick. Finally she finds words. “You’re an animal!”

“Aren’t we all?” I ask. After all, a mammal is a mammal.

“That’s not what I meant, that was the most disgusting display I’ve ever witnessed! To suggest you’d do such things, and to a filly no less!”

“Nobody said you had to like me.” I head for the door, and then the door swings open and I am magically pushed outside.

“Don’t show your face around my boutique again! Nopony does that to my little sister!” The door slams shut. I head back to the library.

I’m walking along, when there’s suddenly something in my path that wasn’t there before, and I trip. Once I pick myself up off the ground, I realize that whatever tripped me is groaning.

Again, another young pony, this one orange with a helmet on. She gives me a weird look, then looks down and yells. “What the hay!?”

“What’s your problem, kid?”

“You broke my scooter, jerk!” I’m already in a bad mood, and now she’s blaming me for something?

Scowling, I retort, “You were in my way!”

“What are you anyway?” she says, scowling right back at me, “Doesn’t matter, you owe me a new scooter!”

“The heck I do, if you can’t watch where you’re going, you deal with your own problems.”

“Pay. Me. Back!” This kid has attitude. Well, so do I.

“Soak. Your. Head!” Then, the most unexpected thing happens. She tries to punch me. “You think that’s gonna hurt?”

“Not as much as Rainbow Dash will hurt you when she hears about this!” I roll my eyes.

She’s ran off, leaving her broken scooter at my feet. Weird kid...

I realize I’m kind of hungry, and I see a bunch of market stalls. One of them should have food.

Unfortunately, every market stall I approach immediately closes as soon as I’m within two meters. Jerks. I keep going, and eventually I see Applejack. At least she’d sell me something.

“Howdy Anthony. How’re ya doin’?” She twinges a bit when she says my name, probably because it gets stuck in the mouth of someone who uses contractions with every other word.

“Hungry. And nobody here seems to want my business.”

“Yeah, but hey, more business for the Apple Family!”

“That’s the attitude, AJ.” I hand her some Bits, the local currency that Twilight supplied me with, and I’m passed three apples.

Then I feel a tug on my pants. Looking down I see another kid, this one is yellow with a red mane and a pink hairbow almost bigger than her head. “Uh... hi mister...” At least she’s nice. “Are you, uh, Anthony?”

I’m a little surprised at this, someone who doesn’t recognize me knows my name. “Yes, I am. Do you need something?”

Applejack responded for the filly. “I’ve been tellin’ mah kin ‘bout ya. They all wanna meet ya, but there never seemed to be a good time for it. This here’s Applebloom, she’s mah li’ sister.”

“I see. Well, I’m actually free right now, nothing else to do for the rest of the day.”

“This’s perfect! Ah’m gonna close up here in a couple hours and head back to Sweet Apple Acres. Ya can come with and meet the rest o’ th’ Apple Family.”

Well, that does sound better than doing nothing. “Deal, but uh... I think I’ll keep my distance for now. I’m not very good at attracting customers.”

“Yeah, they jus’ needa get used t’ya. Don’t know how long that’ll take, tho’.”

Now AJ, Applebloom and I are headed back to Sweet Apple Acres. It’s actually the first place I’ve heard of which has a name that is completely relevant to their business. Carousel Boutique didn’t look like a carnival ride, The library isn’t even yellow, let alone golden, so that just sounds weird. Sugarcube Corner comes close, but misses the mark if you ask me.

It’s quite the trek to the farm, and I’m not tired, but I’m pretty sure we aren’t in Ponyville anymore. A big red barn comes into view, so I at least know we’re close.

As Applejack leads us to the farmhouse, a big red stallion comes up. And I mean big. This guy is built like a freaking army tank. Also, he doesn’t even blink when he sees me. Props, big red guy, you have my respect already.

“Howdy, Big Mac, this here’s Anthony, we’ll get you met proper once we’re settled and Granny’s awake.” Another twinge at my name. Maybe she doesn’t like it. Oh well.

“Eeyup.”

Not big on talking apparently. I don’t like chatterboxes much anyway.

After a while, I’m sat down at a table with a bunch of ponies, Applejack informs me that they planned on having me for dinner. Since I’m getting free food, complaining is the last thing I’m going to do. Anyway, introductions start before we actually eat, but that’s fine with me. Applejack begins, pointing to Big Mac. “This here’s Big Macintosh. He’s my big brother and he does all the really heavy lifting and plowing around here.”

“Eeyup.” Comes the stallion’s reply.

“Heh, he don’t usually have much ta say.”

“Nope.” The stallion says, staying a man of few words.

“Ya’ll already met ‘Bloom back at th’ market.”

Applebloom asked me a rather sudden question. “How strong are ya? D’ya think you’re stronger than Big Mac?”

I just shrug. “I see no reason why we’d have to compete over something like that, so I honestly don’t care.”

“Nope.”

“Heh, guess ya ain’t gettin’ yer answer from them, sis. Anyway, that over there is Granny Smith. She was here when Ponyville was still just a patch o’ dirt”

“Howdy-doo, young’un.” Well this mare is... old. Very old. But I wasn’t about to suggest she was weak, oh no, my own grandmother proved that old people could be strong folks.

“Hiya.” I paused. I noticed something was missing. Brother, Sister, Grandma... Where’s AJs parents? “So AJ, is this really everyone?”

“Well... not really. But they ain’t... uh... here.”

The realization catches me. “Oh, I see.” That sucks.

“Yeah, they’re at their own places all over Equestria.” She then proceeded to list off the most spectacular amount of names I’d ever heard in one sitting. This was one huge family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Nieces, Nephews, and the she mentions their extended family including the Oranges. Heh, Apples and Oranges, that’s funny.

Anyway, Applejack produced name after name after name, enough to drown me in words if such a thing was possible. As she kept on a rant that I had to assume either involved extreme memory or lots of practice, the rest of the family, well, the ones that were here that is, set the table and brought out the food.

Once dinner is finished, it’s time for me to leave and the Apples to go to bed. As I walked down the path away from the farmhouse, I noticed someone was following me. I stopped, and eventually my tracker, Applebloom, caught up. She handed me an apple fritter.

“Here, ya can have this for free. I made it mahself!”

“Thanks ‘Bloom, that’s great!” I like this filly. She’s nice!

“I hope ya come visit again soon, this was fun!” I agree that we should do this again sometime and continue to the field by the schoolhouse. I take a big bite out of the treat. Applebloom did a fantastic job. I think she’s the nicest filly I’ve met today.

I wake up in the field, and surprisingly, I do so of my own volition. I sit up and enjoy the sun on my skin. In fact, I take off my shirt since it’s so warm. I should still have a few minutes before I head to work. I think about what happens when I Spark. My body goes somewhat see-through, so...

I look down at my bare chest, and Spark up. What I see is really cool. It seems my body just turns into energy of some sort, as my upper body has less of a shape, but more of a suggestion around a white pulsing core. I realize the core isn’t quite where my heart is, more centered in the middle of my ribcage area, and its pulses are much more smooth, and far slower than, my heartbeat. Cool.

I put on my shirt and head off to the train station. I grab the shovel, but after a while I just end up tossing coal in with my hands. I start thinking about how I can Spark or grow but not both. They seem to be separate abilities, I ponder what other powers I might have if any. I Spark up and look at my hand. There’s no coal dust on it. I revert, and there’s still no dust, as if Sparking just cleaned me off. Of course my clothes are still filthy, but my skin is perfectly fine. Weird.

I pick up a lump of coal and toss it into the furnace. I decide that it’s rather slow so I grab a handful... but I just end up holding a single lump. I swear I... Woah. I’m holding at least five lumps, but they weigh almost nothing. I know for a fact that coal is denser than this, no matter what world you’re in.

I pick up the entire pile. It weighs nothing. No way. And they should be falling apart, there’s no way I’m supporting the entire pile with just two arms. Celestia and I already tested my strength. Thinking about it, I thrust a fist into the side of the train car as hard as I can.

*CLANNNNG*

“Sonofabitch that hurts!”

Okay, I’m not any stronger. But then... how did I lift the entire pile of coal? I pick up a medium sized chunk and inspect it. I squeeze my fist around it, and it starts to crumble. I close my fist, and when I reopen it, there’s nothing but black powder. All I can think of is how that pile of dust used to be a solid chunk of coal. And as I think it, the dust forms back into a solid lump once more.

“Woah...”

I look at my clothes. They’re coated in coal dust. I wave my hand over my shirt, and all the dust lifts off, pooling into my hand. I reform the dust into lumps once more. I look to the pile once more. I hold out my hand, and I command a lump of coal into my grasp. The lump flies up and slaps into my palm. I aim my hand and the coal at the furnace, and the lump flies into the inferno. This is incredible. Wait... the inferno... I take another lump and focus on it. It’s main use as a combustible energy source. Combustion. Fire...

The lump ignites! I can actually burn and manipulate coal at will! It’s a little tiring, but I could do it all day!

I turn my focus to the rest of the pile. It floats up into the air. All of it. I then crush the entire ensemble into dust, and swirl it around me. Then, I form it into one giant ball of solid coal. I then try more. It becomes a perfect sphere, then a cube. Multiple polygons later, I realize just how much control I have. I don’t know why it only seems to work with coal, but it’s so amazing I honestly don’t care. Admittedly, I can feel its weight, but even the massive pile, in the form of a massive ‘ingot’, is almost nothing. It’s like picking up a one-pound weight, nothing more.

I notice that my shift is up, and so I head home, but not before pocketing a lump and converting the floating cubicuboctahedron into the pile it used to be. I didn’t want anyone to walk in and find any complex polyhedra lying around. Well, I make it into cubes, anyways. Easier to move around.

I walk down the road, levitating the lump of coal above my hand, repeatedly converting it from dust to solid. Suddenly, an idea hits me. I ignite the coal. I make it burn hot. Hotter. Blazing heat radiating from it. Soon, it’s white-hot. Perfect. I apply pressure to it mentally. As much pressure as I can. I focus on the carbon that is the coal’s atomic makeup.

Pressure. Heat. Pressure. Heat. I start to sweat from exertion. Ignore it, I gotta keep my focus. Soon, I can’t put any more energy into the process. I drop the glowing lump on the ground and catch my breath.

I take another look at the lump. It takes a minute to cool down, and realize my success. A diamond. It’s rounded and sort of mashed like the lump it used to be, but this is fantastic.

Panting, I stand up and raise the diamond above my head, examining it in the light of the sun.

“What in the world?” I see my new trinket has gathered the attention of a certain white unicorn. This route must be one she takes often.

I respond. “It... it’s a diamond.” Whoo, that kinda took it out of me.

“May... may I see that?”

I hand it to her, she levitates it close to her eye as she studies it. “The shape is negligible, but nevertheless... this is amazing. Where in Equestria did you find this, Anthony?” She seems to have completely forgotten her utter hatred of me.

“I made it.”

“Really? How long did it take you?”

I check the clock tower and make an estimate. “About three minutes.”

“Anthony, I’m serious.” She says, looking at me disbelievingly.

“So am I. I’m just as shocked as you are.” I admit, raising my arms a bit.

She looks at me. “You... you really aren’t lying...?”

“I need another lump of coal. I have to show Twilight!”

I grab the diamond back and put it into my pocket. I Spark up and think about how I ran when I was racing Rainbow Dash. It only takes a few moments this time before I burst forward. I then realize my chance. I’m going to run another test with my intangibility. I look ahead and see a few ponies moving some piece of furniture. I head right for them and act as though they aren’t even there. The ponies freak out as they see me coming, I’m most likely just a blur of radiating cyan light. Nothing will stop me. And it doesn’t.

I dash straight through the couch. I’m an untouchable glow of extreme speed. I realize I need to turn a corner. Uh oh. I think fast and hope my plan works. As soon as I reach where I need to change direction, I angle my body to the side and kick the ground, pushing me to the side. I’m launched down the road and I straighten my path. I’m sure doing that made me lose a lot of speed, but so far I don’t care. I do know from previous experience that sudden stops end badly, so I accept that if I plan on stopping, I’ll have to slow down first.

I’m approaching the library, so I calm my pace down to a rapid trot and then just a fast walk. I power down and enter the building. I do get an attack of dizziness and some bright floaties once I stop glowing though. Okay, no extreme power usage and then switching powers like that... not healthy.

“Twilight!” I shout up the stairs. “Get your notebook, I have new powers!”

“What!?” The response came from the upper room. I jump up the stairs and open the door to her bedroom. Once she sees me, she looks furious. “Don’t yell in a library, it’s supposed to be quiet.” I ignore her and pull the diamond out of my pocket. The sight of the gem shuts her up rather quick. She’s stammering. Then, she explodes in anger. “You stole a diamond!?”

I’m almost blown back by her outburst, she is practically foaming at the mouth. I am honestly scared for my safety. I swear her mane is smoking.

“N- no, I didn’t.” I say, throwing up my hands defensively. “I made this! I swear!”

She is hyperventilating, eyes wide. It’s not until she drops to the ground that I realize she had been levitating. She must have been quite angry.

“Anthony... please. Just... what?” Her hyperventilating has calmed down to ragged breathing.

“Sit down, Twi. I’m gonna tell something that’s gonna freak you out.”

“So... you can manipulate coal, set it on fire, and turn it into diamond?” Twilight asks incredulously.

“Take a look.” I say, grinning as I hand the diamond to her

She levitates the diamond closer to her face. “Well... there’s not much denying this used to be a lump of coal, given the shape, but I’d expect a bit more deformation...”

“If I can get some coal, I could show you.”

“I’ll see what I can do, but I’m sure the princesses would like to see this as well.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” I admit, I am more than ready to show off now that I’ve gotten used to the power for the most part. Around half an hour later, the two princesses arrive.

“What in Equestria is so important that I must be woken up at this abhorrent hour, sister?” Luna asks with a yawn.

“Anthony has something to show us.” Celestia explains, not sounding very interested herself.

Luna gives a half-asleep shrug. “I’ve already seen what he is capable of.”

I cross my arms. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

“Forgive me if I *yawn* withhold my enthusiasm...” Luna remarks sarcastically. Man, she’s grumpy when she doesn’t sleep.

“Forgiven. Now take a look at this.” I hold up a lump of coal Twilight provided me with. At the moment, she is off to the side armed with parchment, a quill, and protective goggles. Smart girl, that one.

“It is coal.” Luna says, visibly annoyed. Then I turn it to dust and swirl it around her head. I stop the swirling and form it into a cube. “Amazing...” Luna seems hypnotized.

I then grab the cube in my thumb and index finger, and squish it back down into dust. I throw it up into the air, and stop the dust in midair, the particles hovering in the air like an inverted night sky. Luna and Celestia stare at the display in speechless shock.

“Would you kindly bring me more coal?” I ask, and I can feel myself smiling hard.

Celestia casts a teleportation spell, summoning a bag of coal in front of me. “Now I’ll do something interesting.” I pull up a bunch of coal, and add it to my own, and make a perfectly round orb. I continue showing a bunch of shapes. Curves, faces, angles, twists. I return it to a sphere. I toss it into the air and it starts spinning. It splits into two and, as dust once more, I pull it around my hands, where it solidifies. I have made a nice set of gauntlets.

I grab the rest of the coal from the sack and form a thick, round barrier around me which tessellates into a mass of thin, sharp blades. The blades fly up and whirl around in the air, and become edged wheels, flattening further into saw blades. At this point, Twilight has moved to her third ink well. The blades combine, becoming dull and long. I grab it and give my new baseball bat a few heavy swings. The bat thins out and lengthens into a sword. I hold the blade up, pointing it’s blade toward the ceiling, then bring it down with a rapid slash. There’s still some coal left over, so I use it to fashion myself a buckler as well.

Celestia approaches me. “Anthony, that’s... fantastic! You-”

I hold up my hand to stop her. “If you would please step back, I will continue.”

Celestia backs up once more. Luna is too amazed to say or do anything. I feel so incredible. The immortal princesses of Equestria are awestruck by me. Me!

I remove the buckler, and focus on the sword. It bursts into flame, causing gasps of surprise from all three ponies present. I swing it around, a trail of flame following the blade with each slice. I then compress the sword into a pair of balls of fire. I toss them around, controlling their movements through the air, like small meteors, blazing around the room at high speed. I then have them slam into each other and burst like a firework, flaming coal pebbles rain from the explosion. I then form them into a giant ring of fire overhead. I put it out and bring it down, compressing it along with more coal into a solid crescent moon shape. Luna walks up to it, but I stop her.

“The finale is not over yet.” I pause. “If you don’t have protective eyewear, I’d suggest you stay far back.”

Both princesses back up, not taking their eyes off my sculpture. I focus on what I did with the other lump of coal. If I can make a diamond that retains it’s shape...

My equine audience stares on as I heat it up. I repeat the earlier process. Sweat beads on my forehead. I wipe it away, putting more effort into the conversion. After a while, I’m worn out. I don’t remember falling, but I’m on my knees anyway. The white hot coal cools, revealing a stunning formation. The diamond is in a perfect crescent-moon shape, exactly as it was as coal. I’m so tired.

Luna approaches me once more. I hand the jewel to her. Her voice sounds like I’m under water again, and I black out.

Chapter 8

My head is throbbing. My body feels weak. But I’m awake. I sit up and realize I’m in some sort of infirmary. There’s no needles or anything stuck in me. Good. I hate needles.

My head is still pounding when I hear someone walk in. It’s Twilight.

“So... how’d you like the show?” I ask weakly.

“I’m not sure if you’re amazing, or the most recklessly irresponsible person in history.”

I chuckle and attempt a smile. It hurts. “Why not be both?”

She sighs. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Awwww...” I give her a hug which she returns. Is this the strangest ‘friendship’ ever or what?

After the hug ends, she pulls a book out of her saddlebags. “I brought you something to read.”

I groan, remembering Rainbow Dash’s hospitalization story. “Not Daring Do, please?”

“Don’t worry, it’s a book on magic. You seemed interested, so I figured I’d get you something a bit more in-depth.”

“Actually Twilight.” Luna walks in with the diamond moon I made, wearing it like a pendant. Awww, she cares. “I think he should get some rest. All that energy usage was very draining for him.”

I actually think about that. “Hey Twilight, do you have a blank book, like a journal?”

“Not with me, but I could bring you one.” she says, smiling.

“Do that. I’ll get some rest. Just leave the book here if I’m still asleep.”

“Okay.” Both her and Luna leave me to my thoughts. I want the journal to write down the interesting things I know, want to know, and theories I have about my powers. For example, I’ve seen unicorns use spells and get tired. That’s normal, but using spells steadily drains them and eventually they get too weak to do anything. On the other hand, my powers take energy from me as well, but instead of steadily getting weaker, I can use my powers continually at full power, but once I stop, the fatigue hits me all at once.

Going into my Spark form alone doesn’t cost me anything, but using related abilities like speed and intangibility do have an effect, once I return to normal, I do notice being a bit tired. I’m tired now... Luna’s right, I should sleep...

I wake up and I look to the left. There’s a red book with a clasp on it. Must be the journal Twilight brought me. I reach for it, but I feel some resistance from my right arm. I look to the right and I see an IV stand. Oh no... I look down at my arm. Needle!

I scream, ripping the needle from my arm. I knock the IV stand as far away from me as possible. The scream has made a pony come into the room. I’m freaking out too much to notice what it looks like. My breathing is ragged as all I can do mutter is a mantra of fear.
“I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles.”

I look at the pony. “No more needles. N-no more needles...” The pony nods and backs away slowly, exiting the room once more.

It takes a while, but eventually I calm down. I then realize I had been holding my arms across my chest and shivering the entire time. I hate needles.

Exhausted, I pass out once more.

When I wake up, I snap my head side to side. No IV, no needle. I relax with a heavy sigh. I reach for the journal. There’s a small bag of coal next to it, a note on it saying

“Try this before you use a quill. Let me know how it goes. Twilight Sparkle.”

Heh, this could be interesting.

I pull some coal dust up and form them into letters, pressing them against the first page of the journal. They stick. I can even write with coal. I pull letters and punctuation marks back off. I even have a backspace button. Awesome. I can even make it fancy-looking! I can use coal instead of ink and it even looks better than my own handwriting, yay, I’m not hampered by my apraxia!

I ‘write’ down all I’ve learned about my powers, what I want to learn, and multiple theories. Wait. I can solve one right now.

I Spark up, and try to lift some coal into the air. It works, but it also forces me to power down. I try again, this time not lifting the coal, but setting it on fire. I Spark up and focus on the result. Fire. Heat. Burning. I see the glow around my arm pulse. Once, twice. I put more effort into it. I stop thinking about the coal and just what I want to happen. I want to see fire.

Suddenly, my arms lights up in a bright flash. When it subsides, I see that the glow has changed to a bright orange, my actual arm is a strong shade of vermillion. I then notice that the bed sheets have caught fire!

The coal didn’t heat up, I did! I realize that the flames of the blankets don’t hurt at all. I get up out of the bed. How far can I take this?

I focus on getting hotter. To burst into flames. And I do. My body is a blazing inferno, flames leaping from me. I look in a mirror. My features are obscured by the blazing, crackling fire. But my eyes are still visible as bright lights, shining brighter than the flames. Then I hear a loud, piercing, shrill noise. Then I’m wet. My fire is put out and so is the bed. It takes a few moments to realize I set off a fire alarm. Right after I finish that thought, a few ponies rush into the room. I’m standing there, shocked and wet. They stare at me. They probably weren’t entirely aware of exactly what was in this room. I grab the journal and the sack of coal, leaping out a nearby window. I then realize I was on the third or fourth floor. Crap.

Luckily, my neck breaks my fall. And by luckily, I mean. “Ohhhhhh holy mother of god that hurts...”

I look up and realize I’m in Canterlot. Massaging my neck, I decide to pay the princesses another visit. I approach the gates and there are more guards. I’m too tired to try anything. “I’m not feeling up to kicking your butts, so can you just get Princess Celestia for me? Thanks.”

They stare at me dumbfounded. After a minute, one of the guards flaps his wings, rising into the air and flying towards the castle.

I sit down cross-legged on the ground. I don’t feel like standing. After a few moments, the familiar flash of light appears in front of the guards. At Celestia’s presence, they immediately fall to their knees, bowing in respect. Pussies.

Celestia takes one look at me and sighs, rolling her eyes. One flash later and I’m inside the castle once more. “Anthony, if your current health condition wasn’t in question, I would hit you for your stupidity.”

“Wouldn’t be the worst I’ve gotten.” I smirk.

She rolls her eyes again. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Feed me?” I suggest.

The princess places her hoof to her forehead, sighing again. “Fine, if you’re hungry, I suppose I should oblige.”

“Got any chicken?”

She looks at me. “What?”

“Fried chicken. Or steak. I’m not picky.”

“You... eat meat?” I open my mouth wide, pointing to my cuspids, designed specifically for the tearing of meat. It takes a moment for Celestia to respond. “...I see. But you also seem to have teeth for grinding vegetables.”

“Fruit is fine too, but I personally prefer a protein-centered diet.”

“How many ponies know of this... preferred diet?”

“A vast majority seems to think I might eat them, but I won’t eat anything sentient. Especially not raw. Your subjects are perfectly safe, no matter how hungry I get. But there’s no guarantees if they piss me off.“

“I’m aware of what you did with my guards the other day.”

“Unless you consider a possibly bruised chest an injury, I didn’t cause them any harm.”

“What I heard was... different.”

“A panicked mind tends to exaggerate, I’m sure you know that.”

“I do. So, what do you want, aside from food? Oh, the kitchen is this way.” She leads me through the castle as we continue our conversation.

“Well, I have developed a new skill while I was in hospital.”

“You did? Interesting.” She quirks an eyebrow, and her tone is interested.

“Yeah. Also, speaking of hospitals, I’d prefer if you make some sort of clause for me where I am exempt from needles of any form.”

“But we may not be able to test your vitals or blood if I do.” She warns me.

“I’d rather take that risk, thank you.” I reply, dead serious.

“I suppose I could do something about that. As long as you understand the problems that might arise from this.”

“I am. I just hate needles a lot. So, when do we eat?”

“Well, I’m not sure what has been prepared, if anything, but the kitchen is right here.”

“Perfect. I’m starving.”

We walk into the kitchen, and I see a bowl of prepared cookie dough. Sweet! “Oooh, cookie dough.” I reach for a handful, but a hoof slaps my hand away.

“Animal!” the voice not nearly as cultured as is common with Canterlot. “You have not even washed your hooves! Do not touch my batter!”

“Yeah, whatever.” I grab the bowl and reach in, pulling out a chunk, the chef pony looks disgusted and stomps off. Don’t care, I have cookie dough.

Celestia looks a bit angry. I take another chunk of dough and hand it to her. “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want some?”

Celestia blinks. “No matter how much time I spend with you, I don’t know what to think of you. You request special privileges of a selfish nature, but then you freely offer what little you have. You terrorize my ponies for no apparent reason, but offer friendship and compassion at a moment’s notice. You insult others without much provocation, and yet value friends like priceless treasures.” she shakes her head. “I wonder if you are even sane, sometimes.”

“I’m probably not. Sanity is overrated.” I take another bite of the dough.

“You know raw eggs are not good for you. You could get sick. I insist you at least let us bake that first.”

“Nah, I’ll do it myself.” I Spark up and concentrate on what I did earlier. This time focusing the fire on just my hand rather than my entire body. My body glows reddish like before and flames engulf my hand and the ball of dough.

Celestia backs up in shock. I then stop the burning. I realize I’ve made an actual cookie, but burned it. “Huh, guess I need a bit more practice. Oh well.” I eat the burnt cookie anyway and power down. Celestia stammers. “H- how... is this the new power you mentioned developing?”

“Yep. It seems to be a separate skill from my coal manipulation, as it’s linked to my Spark form, but I can’t manipulate coal in my Spark form.”

“Amazing...” she looks contemplative, bringing another, baked, cookie up, this one for her. “How many powers do you think you have?”

“No idea, but this is so cool.” I grin and cook another piece of dough. “Relatively speaking, that is.”

This time, I stop the blaze sooner and I managed to bake the cookie properly. I hand it to Celestia. As soon as her hoof touches it, she pulls i away. “That’s hot!”

I take a bite of it. “Not really.” Still chewing, I power down again. Suddenly it feels like I just drank lava. I spit out the cookie. “Hot hot hot hot hot hot!” I rush to the sink and turn it on, gulping down water by the mouthful. My mouth has cooled down, but my tongue still feels scalded.

“It seems that you are immune to heat while in your fire form.” Celestia mused.

“Did you think of that yourself?” I ask sarcastically.

“I had a physical demonstration as a visual aid, but yes.” Comes the rather playful response. She’s definitely smiling impishly.

“Did I mention how human you are?” This only draws a chuckle.

I don’t realize what time it is until Celestia excuses herself to lower the sun. I don’t really understand it, but I guess in magic ponyland, all kinds of science stops working. Won’t stop me from applying it though. After all, it’s official that my powers aren’t based on magic.

I decide to give myself a tour of the castle. It’s not long before I get lost. This place is huge. Then I see a pony guard. I figure I can ask for direc- That’s not a pony!

It’s pony shaped, but the eyes are reptilian, noticeable fangs, and it’s wings aren’t feathered, they have a visible membrane like a bat. That is awesome!

I’m approached by the unusual ungulate, and so I address him. “Hiya, what’s up?”

He studies me for a moment before speaking. “I assume you are Anthony?”

It seems I’m famous. As I should be by now. “You would be correct.” I say, glad he knows me.

“I have been ordered to take you to the Princess of the Night, she wishes an audience with you.”

As girly as a princess position is, Luna has got to have the coolest title I have ever heard. “Alright.”

I follow him through the hallways. “So... what does Luna want with me?”

“She did not relay that information to me.” he says, face stony as a block of obsidian. “I was only instructed to retrieve you.”

I nod. “Ah.”

We walk in silence until we come to an ornate door, stylized with blacks and dark shades of blue, highlighted by specks of white or silver for stars. The doorknob is a waning (or is it waxing?) moon. Fancy.

The guard opens the door and ushers me inside, closing the door behind me. Luna is standing in the middle of the room. “Just the person I wanted to see.”

“I’m the only person to see, the rest of y’all are horses of some kind.”

“Yes...” she says, pausing for a moment. “Quite.”

I notice she’s still wearing the diamond moon I made. “Heh, liking my little creation, are we?”

“Yes. It is very beautiful.” she chuckles, smiling. “That makes it a very interesting product when one considers the source...”

“So did you bring me here just to throw me a few backhanded compliments, or did you just miss the wonderful sound of my voice?”

“Neither. I want to talk with you.” She settles onto a large beanbag chair for comfort.

“About what?”

“You.” I give a cocky smirk. “And your potential to be a dangerous threat that should be stopped.” Smirk is gone, serious business now.

“What.” I don’t like where this is going.

“Celestia shared the results of your... performance exam.” Lots of red flags going up.

“The one the guards take?”

“Exactly. With even your basic abilities, you are capable of causing a bit of trouble, but with your powers, and the ability to defuse magic at times...” She trails off, and I don’t like her tone.

“I’m pretty much the toughest guy in town.” I lightly pound my chest in a show of toughness.

“And possibly Equestria. With each new ability you develop, the more of a potential threat you become. If you chose to rampage, I’m not sure how much damage you could cause before you were finally stopped.”

“Probably a good portion of Equestria.” I say, shrugging. If this is just a threat assessment thingy, I’m sure I’m fine. I’m no godzilla, after all.

“Exactly my point. My sister may disagree, but I believe that with just how powerful you are, you could become a serious problem for the populace. Without a leash, that is.”

That pushes a serious metaphorical button. I can feel my heart rate slow, like there’s ice water in my veins. “Leash? Leash!? You want to tie me down? Lock me up like a beast!?”

“Well I-”

The ice water boils over. “Like a common animal? I don’t think so. I don’t care how you insult me or hurt me, because you’re a princess, I should respect you. But anyone and I mean anyone who tries to lock me up? They will not be spared.”

“Are you saying you are superior to me, mortal?” she says, standing once more.

I stick a finger in her direction, “I’m saying you should watch what you threaten me with.”

“If you oppose me, I will make sure you rot in a dungeon!” She tries to push me to my knees with her magic. I fight back, but with words.

“I know why you really did it.” My voice is as calm as I can manage.

Her eyes narrow. “Did what?”

“I know why you locked up Discord. The real reason.”

Her eyes go wide. “What? You may have heard our stories, but you know nothing of Discord!”

“Do I? You made him sound rather powerful. Dangerously powerful. So you imprisoned him in stone. You didn’t do it because he was evil, you did it because he opposed your positions as rulers, because he could potentially beat you.”

“You dare imply-”

“You don’t care about your subjects, you just want anyone stronger than you out of your way. You’re tyrants!”

“We are not!” she says, voice loud enough to blow my clothes back dramatically. “That is not why we imprisoned Discord!”

“But it’s why you want to imprison me. If you try it now, what’s to say you didn’t do it before?”

“If you knew Discord, you wouldn’t say that.” she says, severely.

“I don’t know him.” An idea flashes into my mind. “But I intend to.”

“What!?” Her voice is strangled, and a look of shock comes over her face.

“I’m going to release Discord. I want his story!”

“Everyone experiences things differently, he will make himself sound like the victim!” she says sounding desperate.

“Just like the eight of you did earlier?”

“Th- that’s different!”

I jab my finger at her once more, stepping forward to make my point. “Says you.”

“You believe you can fairly judge us?”

“I’m not just judging you, I’m telling you what I see from your actions, and right now, I see power-hungry dictators using the guise of kind protectors!”

She snarls. “To think I considered you a friend! You will not release Discord, I forbid it!”

I Spark up and ignite, Luna becoming shocked at my new form. “I. Obey. Nobody.”

I grab her by the horn and charge my flames into it. I hear her scream in pain as I burn what I had learned was the most sensitive part of a unicorn or Alicorn’s body. Thank you Twilight, your books are very helpful.

I squeeze harder and she screams. The bat-pony guard rushes in. I let go of Luna’s horn and watch her slump to the floor. The guard charges at me, but my intangibility makes him phase right through me. I spin around, grab him by the neck, and smash his face into the floor of Luna’s room. Still holding him by the neck, I carry him out of the room and stare into his eyes with my red starbursts. “Take me to the gardens. Show me where Discord is.” I then drop him to the ground. He begins walking weakly down the hall.

Now we are outside, and he is leading me around a corner. We come to a medium-sized wooden building that definitely looks rather well-reinforced, and it’s unguarded.

I power down, and access the sack of coal in my pocket. I fashion a lump of coal into a dagger and hold it to the guard’s neck. “You think I’m stupid?” I whisper harshly. “You think I don’t know what a barracks looks like? I walk in there with a wounded guard, and I’m swarmed by whatever members of the platoon aren’t on-duty. That’s your game?” I coat the dagger in flames. “Well, playtime’s over, you have one more chance. Try and play me for a fool again, and your corpse won’t even be solid.” He nods, gritting his teeth angrily. Like I actually give a shit.

Finally, we come up to a bunch of statues. A lot of them are of ponies in various poses. Then, there’s a special one. It certainly looked like what Discord was described as looking, though a lot less dangerous. He actually looks scared. I knew that the princesses were just spewing propaganda. Well, let’s see what they think of imprisoning others once their prisoners are broken loose...

C̛͟҉͢h̛͏a̶̡͢͠͡p̕͠t̶̢e̷̡ŕ̷̷̢͏ ̷̡9̡͏̢҉

I approach the statue. By now the guard has run off. I know he’s not stupid, so he’s probably left to get backup. I think about how to release the imprisoned Spirit. I suppose I could just try to break the statue. I take the coal dagger and reform it into ‘brass’ knuckles on my right hand. I clench my fist and swing hard. I definitely made a crack. My hand hurts a bit, but I can easily tell that I did a good job as the crack is spreading. Light shines from the cracks, blinding me.

I hear more cracking and then a laugh. It’s very... well, I suppose the best description would be ‘charismatic’.

I lower my arms and I can see Discord standing in front of me. His figure leaves quite an impression, one that is hard to forget. But not that scary to be honest, despite multiple insistences that he was a monster. He seems more like a standard chimera to me.

“Well this is a surprise.” He chuckles, leaning down towards me. He’s almost half again taller than me, and probably a lot longer than that if he were stretched out. “You are quite interesting. What are you, my little rescuer?”

“I’m a human. And I suppose I am speaking with Discord, Spirit of Chaos?”

“The~ee one and only!” He strikes a pose and confetti appears, showering him as a fanfare blares. Quite the showman. He goes back to leaning towards me, an amused expression on his face. “So, why did you free me? Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

“I want to get to know you.” I answer plainly.

An eyebrow literally raises off his head, fluttering away like a butterfly after it achieves liftoff. “Really?” Discord asks, more than just a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Yes. I heard about you from the princesses and Element Bearers.” I explain, and this gets a narrow-eyed look from him for a moment, until I continue. “Unfortunately, they seemed heavily biased, so I took their information with a grain of salt.” The other eyebrow raises, this time simply going up at a steady pace. “Well, more like an entire spoonful. Anyway, I want to hear about you. I doubt you’re the terrible villain they claim you are.”

“Of course not!” he insists, smiling happily. “I just like to have fun. It’s not my fault that not everypony appreciates my idea of humor.”

“I relate completely.” I say, nodding sagely

“Ah, a kindred... well, you aren’t a spirit in the literal sense, I suppose.” he says, paw to his chin thoughtfully.

“Forget it. How about you demonstrate your idea of a good time?” I ask invitingly.

“You... are the first person to ask, kid.” he pulls em into a hug from the side, in spite of having been in front of me. “I like you.”

With a snap of his talons, we are on a rooftop in a fairly rural town. A bit more advanced than Ponyville, but not a sprawling city by any means. “Teleportation that doesn’t blind you? I appreciate that, thank you.”

“Why should magic annoy someone?” he says waving his paw in dismissal. “That’s just inconvenient.”

Glad to see someone understands. “Agreed. So where are we?”

“This, my disciple of chaos, is the city of Trottingham.” He gestures towards the little city with a sweep of his arm.

“Looks boring.” I say pointedly.

“My thoughts exactly.” He laughs as he snaps his paw-fingers and dark clouds form over the city.

“That’s it? Rain? You’re gonna make them wet?”

“Wait for it...” Discord says, giggling an excited chuckle. Suddenly, I hear a clap of thunder and it starts raining. But it’s not rain. Oh there’s water all right. Bottles of water.

I burst out laughing. “Oh lord, that’s awesome!”

He smiles happily, “Isn’t it just?”

We share laughs as we watch all the ponies run from the plastic containers falling from the sky. They’re freaking out like crazy. “H- hey Discord... “ I pant from all the laughing.

He wipes away a tear. “What?”

“Can I have a turn?” I ask, catching enough breath to speak properly.

“What can you do?”

I look around and I see a pony run under the canvas cover of a nearby store. I point at it. “Teleport me behind that pony.”

“Let’s see what you got, kid.” He snaps his fingers and I’m behind the pony as requested. I grin. This is going to be awesome. I wait for a few moments and then I Spark up, my glowing blue form drawing the pony’s attention.

“Boo!” She screams and runs out from under the canvas... *thunk* Just in time for a bottle of water to bean her right on the head. “Critical Hit!” I shout as I pump my fist in the air. Suddenly I’m next to Discord who’s laughing his head off. Literally, his head isn’t on his shoulders but rolling on the ground. His body, however, is in the traditional, goofy ‘laughing uproariously’ pose.

“That... That was perfect! Ahahahahahahaaaaaa...”

I pick up Discord’s head and reattach it... on his rear end. “What’s up, assface?”

With a *pop* he’s back to normal and we high five each other, laughing like maniacs.

I grin and say, “L- let’s do something else!”

“You don’t even have to ask!” Discord shouts. I’m having a blast!

We continue our laughing as we cause havoc throughout Trottingham, freaking out ponies left and right. Discord starts some music out of nowhere and we dance to the offbeat ‘rhythm’, watching as ponies avoid whatever nonsensical obstacle they face. This is the most entertaining day of my life.

“Hah, I knew the princesses were lying. They just have no sense of humor!”

“You are my new favorite person, Anthony!” Odd, I don’t recall telling him my name... eh, oh well, who cares?

Our two-man, city-wide party continues until the light of dawn. Wait. Dawn.

I turn to Discord. “Celestia’s awake.” I say with an evil grin.

Discord returns my expression and snaps his fingers. We are outside the throne room. I whisper into Discord’s ear and he chuckles, nodding.

Discord disguises us as potted plants while we wait, but when Celestia approaches her throne, I’m no longer a plant. I leap onto her back and mash a magically-summoned three-layer cake into her face. “Good morning, Celestia. Did that cake you up? I must say, that white fur makes you look a little pastry.”

“Anthony!” She wipes the cake from her face. “What in the world-”

“Wait, you missed a spot, right here!” I repeat the process, this time with a pie. Discord can’t help himself. He returns to his normal form and we end up rolling on the floor, holding our sides as we laugh.

“Discord!?”

“Nope.” I say. “It’s Chuck Testa!” Discord and I high five again.

“Anthony!” she has a wild look in her eyes, and her voice cracks with panic. I can’t help but start laughing again. “What is going on? Why is Discord free!?”

“If you forgot, I mentioned my intention of meeting him. And I consider you a liar.” I say, still on the floor.

She just looks confused at this, a panoply of other emotions mixing in her expression as her eyes flick between me and Discord. “What?”

“We spent the entirety of last night causing chaos, and I honestly didn’t see him do anything nearly as bad as you say he did.” I reply, folding my arms and sticking my tongue out at the princess.

A guard rushes in and slides into a kneel at Celestia’s hooves. “Y- your highness, P- princess Luna, she’s been attacked!”

Celestia’s eyes burn with rage. “Disco~ord!!”

I step in front of her, hand up. “Actually, that was me.”

Both Celestia and Discord gasp. Discord pulls me towards him. “You hurt Luna!?” He seems... a bit angry.

“I do not tolerate anyone who desires my imprisonment, and when Luna summoned me to her chambers last night, she had the nerve to suggest just that, even while wearing the diamond moon I blacked out to give her.” I say matter-of-factly, keeping the tone of a librarian reminding someone to be quiet.

Discord and Celestia blink, but Discords finds words first. “Woah, that’s harsh. Both of you, I mean. So what’d you do?”

“Why don’t you go see for yourself.” I say, shrugging.

“Geez kid, you’re pretty dark.” Discord says, backing up a bit, looking puzzled.

“Yep.” My reply is simple, but causes Discord to grin nervously.

Luna has been moved from the floor to her bed, but her horn is still very visibly damaged, the dark burn marks easy to see, even against the dark blue of her horn.

“You know, Luna pissed me off so much, that technically she’s the reason why I decided to release Discord in the first place.” I mention.

Celestia magically yanks me towards herself, her ‘kind and benevolent ruler’ mask pretty much broken out of sheer rage. I admit, angry Celestia is pretty scary, but I stand my ground. “You suggest that my sister is the one at fault here!?”

I keep my calm. “Of course not. I attacked her, if anyone’s to blame, it’s probably me.” This earned another ‘Woah.’ from Discord and a deeper glare from Celestia. “So Celestia. Do you wanna try and take me on? If I can stop the Elements of Harmony, I doubt you’d be much better off. Just go sit on your throne and look all pretty for the nice ponies while the grown-ups do their things, okay?”

Discord has his eyes crossed and has a smile literally bigger than his head. “Oh my, I certainly missed quite a lot of delicious chaos, didn’t I? Anywhats, I believe it is time we make our leave.”

I realize Discord means that he’s going to teleport us, so I make sure my last words make an impact. “Call me when you get a sense of humor and humility.”

“Daaaaaayum girl, you got burned!” Discord snaps his fingers and we’re outside the castle.

“You certainly have guts, kid.” Discord comments. “And you must be tough to beat Luna. How good are you at magic?”

“I’m not. I don’t use magic. My powers are natural abilities that make themselves known over time.”

“Very interesting, but just to check...” He snaps his fingers. “There, I’ve negated any access you have to magic. If you try anything related to magic, it won’t work.”

I grab some coal from my pocket and demonstrate a few tricks just as usual. Then I Spark up and pick up a stick, jabbing it into my chest, successfully demonstrating intangibility. Then I Ignite and incinerate the stick to ashes. I power down, and grow until the tallest tree around is as big as a toothpick, then I shrink back down to normal. Discord’s jaw is literally touching the ground, his eyes wider than dinnerplates.

“I can also cancel out magic if I’m aware of it being used before it affects me.”

“Really?” Oh, he sounds like a kid who just realized he’s been locked inside a candy store overnight.

“Ask Twilight. The Elements of Harmony were a joke.”

“You stopped the Elements!?” Once again, he looks shocked. I’m impressing all the deity-level folks around here, and it feels awesome.

I shrug, playing it off as nothing, though I honestly still don’t know how I did it. “Wasn’t that hard, honestly.”

“But...” he says, looking baffled. “No counterspell is that strong!”

“I thought we settled that I don’t use magic.” I say, smirking.

“So you can stop the Elements of Harmony?”

“Yup.”

“And defeat Princess Luna using just your hand?”

I nod, smirking. “In ten seconds if I’m close.”

Discord pulls out a referee whistle and blows hard, raising his arms. “Watch out, we got a gamebreaker over here!”

I chuckle. “Heh, I suppose. Now, how about we go pay Twilight a little ‘visit’?”

“That sounds like an absolute delight!” He says, wiggling his fingers/talons in the traditional ‘evil plotting in progress’ manner.

“Well, we’re here, anyway.” I say as we near the giant tree.

“We are?” he looks around, neck ignoring biological constraints again. “Huh. Well, I admit this town did look quite different last time I was around.” Discord says, taking in the scenery.

“Really? What was it like?” I’m very interested in what he came up with to change things around here.

“Reversed gravity, purple-checkered grass, soap roads, and cotton-candy clouds that rained exploding chocolate milk.” Discord replies, grinning and looking dreamily into thin air as he reminisces.

“You, Sir Discord, are my hero.” I give an exaggerated bow of respect.

He practically preens at the praise. “You have no idea how much I appreciate someone who sees my work the way I do.”

“I might have an estimate at least.” I snark. “Anyway, what say we say hi to the librarian?” I walk in the door and see Twilight reading a book as usual.

She looks up and rushes to me immediately. “Where have you been!? I checked the hospital, but they said you ran off!”

“I didn’t like their methods, so I left.” I say, shrugging it off. “I spent the rest of the time in Canterlot. Although I spent a night in Trottingham.”

“Trottingham!?”

“Yep. By the way, I made a new friend.”

“Really?” she seems relieved. Heh. “That’s great! Who is it?”

“Oh, I think you know him.”

Discord pops out from behind me. “Oh, how wonderful it is to see you, Twilight Sparkle!”

She stammers... “D- Dis-” *whump* and faints.

I’ve moved Twilight to her bed, and sit by her side until she wakes up. I assume Spike was out running errands. “A- Anthony?”

“Hiya Twilight, you feeling okay?”

A long groan issues from her as she tries to remember. “Not really. What happened?” she looks around the room, still kind of out of it.

“You ran up to me as I walked in and tripped, you hit your head.” The lie rolls easily from my lips. She doesn’t even get suspicious.

“Oh. I had the worst dream.” She says, eating up my lie like it was a piece of caramel.

“You did? Do tell.” It’s hard to keep from laughing.

“I dreamed that you freed Discord.” she chuckles out a nervous titter. “I’m soooo glad you didn’t. It would have been a disaster.”

“A disaster? You mean like this?” I chuckle, holding up a mirror. Twilight sees her reflection and completely flips out.

While she was unconscious, Discord and I pulled out some markers and drew all over her face. I gave her nerd glasses, buck-teeth and a fancy moustache. Her forehead just below her horn had “Discord was here!” on it and a smiley face on each cheek. Seeing her reaction, I positively lose it and fall off the bed laughing like nuts, and after a moment, Discord pops in and joins me.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!”

Now I’m being chased out of the library, dodging books which are being flung at me. I could Spark up and go intangible, but when she thinks she might hit me, it’s just more fun.

Then I get another idea. I grab one of the books. It’s Daring Do. Perfect. I run over to the window. “Hey, Twilight! You should really be more careful about who you throw books at!”

I dangle the book in my right hand as I Spark up and forming a single flame on my left index finger, my mouth a naughty ‘o’ shape as I slowly move my left finger closer to the flammable piece of bad literature.

“Don’t you fucking dare!!” she shrieks, and a series of vases hover behind her in her magical grip.

This is great... seriously, this is the best! “Oh my, someone learned a big-girl word!”

“Anthony, you are so dead!!” And I’ll rue the day, yadda yaddaa~aah that vase almost hit me.

Chapter 10

I Spark up and run off as fast as possible, heading deeper towards the center of Ponyville. It takes a few moments, but Discord pops up next to me again. “Wow, you’re fast. I actually had to look for you!”

“Not faster than Rainbow Dash, what with her Sonic Rainboom.” I say, admitting the inferiority I still haven’t paid for. I will though, once I find a way to do it with me coming out on top.

“Eh, like that matters. Let’s have some fun!” Discord says eagerly.

“Yes, let’s.” I think for a second. “But what should we do first?”

Discord tut-tuts at me. “Well, I suppose it depends on the targets, doesn’t it?”

“Right you are Discord...” an epiphany catches me. “And I just thought of the perfect trick for the perfect target.”

“Oh, goody!” Discord says, rubbing his forelimbs together and producing cricket noises. “Where is our victim?”

“Best guess?” I say, “Carousel Boutique.”

We are in our usual position: The rooftop on the other side of the road from our target. I can see Rarity doing her designing schtick through the window. “So, what are we going to do?” Discord asks. “Soak her in soda? Dye her coat? Turn her hair into a snake?”

“Discord, have you ever read a book called the Velveteen Rabbit?” I ask, looking at him directly.

“No, I have not.”

“In it, a toy rabbit is made of velvet and he wants to be real, yadda yadda.” the explanation goes quickly, I don’t need to go in-depth. “Anyway, a bunch of happy-feely magic crap later, he becomes real and has fur.”

Both his eyebrows take off like a bird and settle into a tree and start chirping. I have got to learn to raise my eyebrows that hard. “So?”

“Let’s do a reverse.” I say, grinning impishly.

After a moment, he realizes I mean changing her coat to cloth. “Wait, but velvet is silky and soft, wouldn’t she like that?”

“I had a different material in mind.” I say, aiming a leer at the unsuspecting pony.

Moments later, we’re outside the window, watching Rarity. With a snap of Discord’s talons, Rarity’s coat, unbeknownst to her, has made a very drastic transformation. I walk into the boutique.

As I walk in, I hear Rarity start her little advert.

“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chique, unique and magni-” Her voice goes from chipper to chilled in an instant. “oh, it’s you.”

I hang my head in apologetic sadness. “Listen Rarity, I came to apologize. I know I was a jerk to your sister, and I’m sorry.” I say, my apology sincere. Hey, two birds, one stone and all that. “I... I was just having a bad day and I took it out on her. I didn’t mean to be so harsh but... could you find it in your heart to forgive me? Supposing your sister does as well...”

The unicorn’s eyes soften almost immediately. “Anthony, what you did was horrible, but if you truly mean that... I suppose we can start on a path to recovery.”

“Thanks Rarity that means a... lot... to...”

“Is something the matter, darling?”

“Y- your coat! What’s happened!?” I fake shock, as if the change occurred just now.

She looks down and notices her fur. It’s brown, saggy and rough. She starts to freak out and rushes to a mirror. Her entire body, all that used to be white was transformed. When the realization hits her she screams. She tries to cast a few spells, but it doesn’t work. She rushes over to me. “Anthony, I appreciate what you are here to do, but there is a very important matter I must attend to immediately!”

“I understand Rarity, do whatever you need to.” I walk out and meet up with Discord by the window. He’s laughing like crazy. “Th- the look on her face! Burlap fur? Priceless. Anthony, you are a genius!”

I bow once more. “Oh no, Discord, I could do nothing without your magic, the credit is yours to take.”

“Then I will take it!” He grins. “Though what was that little apology speech about?”

“Let’s just say that I’ve been an asshole to a lot of ponies.” I admit.

He shrugs, no fucsk given. Ah well. “Very well, any more ponies you can think of that we can mess with?”

I smile innocently “Of course I do, and I’ve already got some ideas.”

“Wonderful!” Discord clasps his hands together in excitement. “Let’s get started right away!”

I’m definitely having a good time. Each of my plans is better than the next, Discord in a near constant state of laughter. God I love that laugh. His normal method was good, but a bit wide spread. That’s good for a few laughs, but when you take time to work your plans around a small amount of ponies at a time, you can get much more intricate, and the result has a lot more effect.

I spend the rest of the day teaching Discord about the wonders of laser-guided chaos, and he loves it.

But I do admit I miss what he did in Trottingham. Turning a quiet little urban sprawl into a city of raving crazies. Beautiful...

We decide that this should be our finale: Ponyville Two: Electric Boogaloo.

The sun is now a disco ball, all the ponies have rollerskates, and the roads and grass has been converted into a huge skating rink.

We then start a competition with us as the judges. If a pony is bad at skating, we pull a rope and dump a bucket of goo on them. Those that are good at skating entertain us in the natural way. At one point there’s a bright light from somewhere and a lot of cheering but we ignore it as we don’t see anything terribly out of the ordinary.

Then I think of something. “Hey Discord. Do you plan on doing things like this every day? Not the same tricks, but chaos in general?”

“Of course!” He says cheerfully.

“Well, that could get bland.” I warn.

This shocks the Spirit. “How!?”

“Even if new tricks are played each day, eventually, no matter how wild or crazy it gets, the ponies will get used to it. They’ll just expect something crazy to happen. Even if they don’t know exactly what will happen, they still expect chaos, and if something is expected, there’s no shock value and it becomes boring.” I explain, being a bit disappointed Discord never thought of this.

“So... you’re suggesting that we take a few days off every once in awhile, let them think things are normal, and then do it again?”

I grin. “You could do that. Or we could undo all of this, and suddenly, none of these ponies remember anything as it never happened, allowing us to cause all the havoc we want until we finally run out of material.”

“That’s glorious! But how do we do that?” He asks, gleeful.

I lean back in my seat, watching the skating continue. “Well, just turn back time and-”

He stops me with a sharp, “No! No messing with time. That stuff is way too complex, and while I can easily handle whatever problem may arise from it, I don’t want to have to deal with it if I don’t have to.” Discord replies, dead serious for the first time since I met him. Which isn’t that long, but still.

“You have a point, time travel is rather delicate... woah, deja vu... anyways, guess we’ll have to go with the plan where we take a few days off.” That was a weird feeling. I wonder what caused it?

“Agreed.” We shake hands by grabbing each other’s left ankle and hopping up and down three times on our right feet.

The next day, I wake up in the field by the schoolhouse as usual. I then notice the schoolhouse is upside-down and flooded. Discord. Heh, I can’t wait to see Cheerilee’s face when she-

“H- heeeeelp!” What the-?

“Help!” it’s coming from the schoolhouse. “Somepony!”

That pitch... that’s... a kid!

I grow bigger, and jump towards the schoolhouse’s floating, upside-down doorway. When I’ve pushed off the ground, I shrink back down and let the momentum carry me. I then end up in the water inside. I swim to the surface and I see a little pony, treading water, but failing from exhaustion.

“Help! He-*blub*” The foal goes under, hoof hooked on something as the water rises another few inches.

No. No children get hurt. I Spark up and dive down into the water. Eventually I see the filly, just floating under the surface, bubbles of air leaving her mouth. She’s not moving.

Come on, just a bit further... I push forward as quickly as I can, and eventually I reach her. I grab her limp form in my arm and I pull us both to the surface. I then realize that the Schoolhouse has been flooding even further. At this point, I can’t reach the door without risking submerging the kid.

I think fast. There must be something... the coal! I retrive a lump from my pocket. It’s wet, but it should still work. I form it into a buzzsaw like I did earlier and use it to carve out a hole in the wall nearby. It lets water out, the current pulling me under. I can’t stop now. I keep my focus, making the hole bigger. Eventually I can fit through the hole, and I leap out. I tumble on the ground, rolling head over heels as I clutch the filly to my chest. She coughs up water. She’s breathing, but barely.

“Don’t you die on me, kid.” I say. “Nobody dies today.”

I Spark up and run as fast as I can towards Ponyville. It might be afflicted by more chaotic shenanigans or not, I’m not paying attention. I’m focusing on saving this filly.

I rush through Ponyville, and stop a panicking pony. She’s about to run from me but I grab her tail. “Where’s a medical center?” She’s still freaking out. “Ma’am, where’s a medical center? This filly needs help now!”

That got her attention. She calms down a bit and points me in the direction of the Ponyville Hospital. I dash off, I feel the wind stop resisting. Not even the forces of nature will stop me from saving this child.

After ducking a few flying objects and strange landscaping features, I reach the hospital and I don’t start slowing down until I’m already in the lobby. I leap towards the desk. Luckily, there’s a doctor who hasn’t left, he’s just cowering behind a file cabinet.

“Hey, this child is in trouble!”

“Wh- what?” He finally notices me.

“This filly needs attention immediately!” I say, holding out the child.

Once he sees the filly, he swaps fear for professionalism, rushing us to an ER.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, curtly.

I can feel an edge of fatigue creeping up, but push it down. I can be tired later. “She was drowning when I found her.”

“Leave her here.” he instructs, “I’ll handle this and locate her parents later.”

“Good.” I look out the window to get a glimpse of Ponyville, but we’re in the wrong wing for it. “I’m going to stop this.”

I finally get a look at Ponyville as I dash outside. Holy mother of god. There was obviously chaos applied here, but it seems that it’s not being monitored. That idiot!

I decide that I’ve had enough. This will end. I rush towards the library.

“Twilight!” I yell out for the librarian. I run inside and find Twilight casting spell after spell, trying to fix each new chaotic happenstance, but as soon as one issue is resolved, another makes itself known.

“Anthony!” she says, looking panicky and angry, “What have you done!?.”

“Something you can punish me for later. We need to find your friends.”

I’m running along, searching for the Spirit of Chaos, when I hear his laugh. Loud and clear, I can tell it’s coming from the Town Hall.

I get up onto the roof in a similar way to how I got inside the flooded schoolhouse.

“Oh, Anthony!” he says, smiling at me. “You’ve been missing a great show! Watch this!”

He proceeds to summon a giant bowling ball, and knocks over a bunch of houses like ten-pins, smashing them to splintered wrecks.

“Steeeeeerike one, they’re out!” he rolls off the roof, laughing, onto a cloud that had been in the background. “Ahahahahahahahaaaa!”

I shake my head. “Discord, stop this!”

“What?” His laughter stops, and he looks at me in confusion.

“Stop this, now.” My stance gets a little straighter. I really hope I don’t have to fight him. “You’ve gone too far. Ponies are getting seriously hurt!”

“Oh come on, they can’t be that bad.” he says, waving it off. “Bruises clear up quick.” he doesn’t even see me as I leap at him.

I tackle Discord all the way to the ground, using his unnatural body as a landing pad. “You asshole, you caused chaos and walked away! If chaos isn’t monitored, there’s no telling what could happen.”

He tries to push me off, but his chaotic magic isn’t active with me touching him. “And here I thought you enjoyed chaos!” he sounds both upset... and a little scared. The faint smell of burning hair hits my nose, but I’m not sure where it’s coming from.

“I do. I don’t enjoy those who are too irresponsible to wield its power properly!”

“You dare!?” he says, finally wriggling out of my grapple. “I am the master of chaos! I am chaos!” Nope, not scared anymore, now he’s just mad.

“Then I think chaos should have a new master!” I punch him in the face with a fist.

“Agh, you little prick. My powers are limitless, do you really think you can stop me!?”

Suddenly there’s a bright flash from behind Discord. “No. No I can’t. But they can.” I say, my distraction complete

“What?” He turns, a look of surprise and shock on his face.

A blast of rainbow rushes forward.

“No! Noooo!”

He tries to fly off, put I grab his tail and shove him into the rainbow facefirst. In a blast of light, he’s a statue once more, and ponyville is back to normal.

Twilight and her friends approach me. “Thanks for distracting Discord for us.” she says, panting a little.

“Yeah, that got way out of hand.” I say, nodding.

In a burst of light, Celestia is standing in front of me. “I completely agree, Anthony.” Her voice cold and furious.

“I admit I enjoy a bit of chaos, but that’s a power someone should have to earn.” I say, looking at Discord. “He’s too irresponsible yet.”

Celestia sighs, nodding. “I still have no idea what to make of you, Anthony.” she looks me in the eyes, and they don’t have the same bright, shiny look I’m used to. Her eyes look... old. “Why did you let Discord go and let this happen?”

“I didn’t think this is what would happen if he didn’t have a supervisor.” my hands go up defensively as I explain. “While I was around, the worst that happened was somebody got messy or bruised. But when I’m not watching,” I pause. “Discord just went nuts.”

“Now you understand why he can never be let out.” Celestia turns and lifts the Discord statue with her magic.

“Oh, I plan on releasing him again.” I inform

Everyone around me shares a collective “What!?” Celestia even nearly drops the statue-fied Spirit.

“I know you saw what he did! Why in the world would you want that again!?” Celestia blurts in confusion.

“It’s not going to happen again. He does need a time-out though. In a few months, I want to let him out and teach him how to use chaos responsibly. That much power could be very useful. Chaos doesn’t have to be destructive. A lot of good can come of it.”

“But...”

I hold up my hand to stop Celestia’s words. “I see Discord as being similar to me. He doesn’t want to be imprisoned, so when you do it, he just gets angry, rather than learning a lesson. I want to reform him, but if we use your methods, it will only make it worse.”

Celestia sighs. “You are right, I suppose. Some ponies must be led, not pushed, if you want them to learn. It seems Discord is no different. But how will you guide him? You saw what he’s capable of.”

“Yes, but when I was with him, he was nothing more than a prankster. He didn’t have to turn cities into life-threatening hazards. He could have, but he didn’t need to.”

“Why not?” Is she really that stupid to not get it yet?

I decide it’s best to explain the concept to her. “Because I was there. I was someone he could share a laugh with. I was a friend. He didn’t need to do anything drastic for attention, just pulling temporary minor inconveniences on others was enough to get a laugh out of me, and having someone to laugh with is very different from having an entire continent to laugh at.”

Celestia winces, my point making more sense to her than she seems comfortable with. “So what you’re saying is...”

“We reform him by befriending him. We show him tolerance and compassion.” I really hope this sinks in. “This utter hatred of him doesn’t help anyone, all it does is make things worse. If you keep imprisoning him, eventually he’ll want revenge, and do you really want a Discord who actually wants to hurt people?”

Celestia cringes at the thought. “No, we can’t let that happen. I agree. We should reform Discord. But for now, he will stay imprisoned while we try and recover from this disaster.”

“I think he should stay locked up longer than a few months. You have no idea what he did to the weather schedule!” Rainbow Dash exclaims, seeming pretty frazzled and angry.

I think for a moment. “A year. We will give him a year. After that, we will let him out.”

Rainbow Dash butts heads with me. “Five years!”

“One year!”

“Five!”

“One!”

Twilight separates us. “How about we compromise? Three years. Also, Anthony, I don’t think you should reform Discord alone.”

“What!? Why not?” That makes no sense, I’m the only one he can actually connect with!

“Because, you let him out in the first place, you egged him on. Sure you didn’t intend for him to go this far, but you still enjoy his chaos a bit too much. We need somepony else as well.”

“Fine. We’ll think on who it should be after the three years are up.”

Celestia nods, and teleports herself and Discord’s statue back to Canterlot.

I turn to leave towards the hospital. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check up on a filly.”

I walk up to the counter at the hospital, and ask about the filly I brought in during the disaster. Even without a description, this was easy as she was the only one admitted during the event.

I’m led to her room, and I crouch down by her bed. I actually get a look at her. She’s a young pegasus, with a white coat, and a cyan mane. I see her begin to stir. She opens her eyes. They’re a light lavender. She looks up at me. “You saved me...”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.”

“My mommy said you’re a monster.”

“Well, you tell your mommy she’s forgiven for calling me that.”

“Okay, mister. Wait, what’s your name?”

I pause. I’m not sure if I want to... we’re alone. There’s nobody around. I smile and whisper in her ear. She giggles. “Heh, that’s a funny name!”

“Yeah, I know. So what about you kid?”

“I’m Cotton Cloudy!”

“And you think my name is silly?”

We share a laugh, and then a doctor comes in. “As much as we appreciate you bringing in this filly, she needs her rest, so we must ask you to leave. Besides, visiting hours ended a few minutes ago.”

“Alright, I guess I’m out of here.” I say, standing up. I ruffle the filly’s hair “Get well soon, Cotton.”

“Bye Ant-”

I stop her. “Please, call me Anthony.”

“Okay, g’bye Anthony!”

Chapter 11

“A year. We will give him a year. After that, we will let him out.”

Rainbow Dash butts heads with Anthony. “Five years!”

“One year!”

“Five!”

“One!”

I decide to separate the two before they come to blows. Unlikely for Rainbow, but Anthony has shown some very new colors today, conflicting ones at that. “How about we compromise? Three years. Also, Anthony, I don’t think you should reform Discord alone.”

“What!? Why not?” That makes no sense, I’m the only one he can actually connect with!”

I narrow my eyes at Anthony. Doesn’t he get how bad an idea that is!? “Because, you let him out in the first place, you egged him on.” There is no way he could be responsible for this task. It’s just too important. “Sure you didn’t intend for him to go this far, but you still enjoy his chaos a bit too much. We need somepony else as well.”

He crosses his arms, a mannerism Minotaurs use as well, one of reluctant agreement. “Fine. We’ll think on who it should be after the three years are up.”

Princess Celestia nods, and teleports herself and Discord’s statue back to Canterlot.

Anthony turns to leave and- “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check up on a filly.” Who? He just... what? First he releases Discord, makes everything go wrong, and now he’s... worried about a child? What even goes on in his head? I wish I’d finally be able to send him back.

I’m reminded of my... less than impressive progress on figuring out a way to send him home. I just don’t know where to send him to and he seems content to just toy with us... and make my life awful. And yet... he’s more than just an... annoyance. It’s like there’s something he isn’t telling me. Well, his real name for one, I mean, Applejack just came out and told me and I have to admit it’s a pretty strange name. But I’m sure he has a reason. It just makes trusting him harder. But here he is, actually excusing himself to check on a foal? Someone he couldn’t possibly even know that well? As far as I know I mean he might have made friends with some local children but that begs the question... why?

If he’s so interested in disobeying rules and causing chaos and generally being a pain... why does he call us ‘friends’? I mean, friends don’t treat each other that way... do they? Maybe I just need to study that more.

He’s rambunctious like Pinkie, he’s blunt like Applejack, he’s brash like Rainbow Dash and I hate to admit it but I see a bit, just a sliver, of myself in him. He’s a fast learner when he bothers to learn... Is this some other form of ‘human’ friendship, where each person is sort of a fragmented twisted version of a virtue and they rely on the others to untwist it? Or is this just how humans are friends?

I begin to head for home, Princess Celestia acting as the primary escort for Discord’s statue. Even as a statue, he’s still scary and creepy. I suppress a shudder, wondering exactly how anyone could imagine letting him out be a good idea... but he had a point. I certainly wouldn’t like to be trapped in stone... It would make me pretty mad. But Discord deserves it! He did all those horrible things to my friends! But... Anthony wants to reform him? Give him a second chance? How come Discord deserves a fair chance but he walks all over me? I mean, Discord is evil...

His words echo in my head as I walk in the library door. “We reform him by befriending him, this utter hatred of him...”

I don’t utterly hate Discord... or... well... he’s right that friendship is powerful, and it might work, but not on Discord! No way!

“Twilight!” I’m shocked out of my thoughts by a loud yell. “What happened with Discord? Did you beat him?”

I see Spike had been trying to get my attention for at least a minute now. “Yeah, we did it.” I don’t know why I feel like I should say it. “With Anthony’s help.”

“Anthony? What did he do? You just used the Elements, right? Just like last time?” Spike looks a bit confused. I admit I didn’t quite expect it when...

“Anthony distracted Discord for us, he just... punched Discord.”

Spike backs up a bit, eyes wide at this. “Waitwaitwait. Punched Discord? As in, punch punch?” I chuckle at his phrasing.

“Ah... yeah. He said something about Discord being irresponsible... but he started all this. Right?” Spike shrugs. Right, he wasn’t around. “Well he said he did.”

Spike’s eyebrow ridge goes up the way it does when I just made a mistake. But what could it be? “So... you’re trusting his word on this? The guy who released Discord. Sure I believe that, being him, but... how do we know when he isn’t joshing us and when he’s punking us?”

“I...” I think about the question. How do I know when he’s trying to trick us, for whatever reason? Applejack says he doesn’t tell the truth all the time, but I can’t tell. And, well... he seems trustworthy. According to Celestia, he attacked Luna and that’s horrible, but other than that he hasn’t harmed anyone... and certainly not for the sake of being mean. He says he’s chaotic but I know there’s reason behind his actions. I can’t see them all, but he clearly acts through logic, even if they aren’t the right things to do. Hay, even Rainbow Dash has started to like him, and she’s always had a hard time trusting untrustworthy people.

Maybe Spike’s right, trust my gut. And my gut says... thinking is hard when hungry. Sighing, I smile at Spike. “I’m not sure. But let’s get dinner, and we can think about it. You and me, like our old study sessions when I was still in school.” I say, and his expression brightens up at the reminder of our time back in Canterlot.

“Sure! But if we’re going to that restaurant with that weird fancy waiter guy, I’m gonna have to complain. Those fries were nowhere near ‘extra crispy’.” Once again, I chuckle, Spike always able to cheer me up. A quick effort of will, barely noticeable, and the baby dragon floats up to rest on my back, a comfortably familiar feeling.

“Alright, don’t worry. We’re going to Hoofy’s Burgers this time, they just opened a branch here in town.” We both loved that restaurant from Canterlot, so it’s a good thing they’ve begun to chain here to Ponyville.

While the inside is a bit different, the menu is mostly the same, though I notice a new item. It’s more expensive than a hayburger but there’s an option for fish instead. Must be because it’s an Earth Pony town, and I’m curious, but I order my usual instead. That experiment will wait until I’ve figured out what Anthony’s up to, releasing Discord then being worried about somepony. It just seems weird.

The burger and fries arrive, and they smell delicious. The scent brings back excellent memories of my youth, my times spent... well, almost alone, unfortunately, while studying. Spike quickly chews down his own burger, and begins eating the fries.

Mouth full, he begins to talk again. “A’right, sho, any ideash?” his voice slurs around the potato bits filling his mouth and bulging his cheeks. Honestly, he’s so adorable when he does this. I swallow my food before replying.

“Well, let’s consider what he’s said and done. It’s odd because, well he admits he’s a liar, which is true... but then that means he’s telling the truth. So either he doesn’t know either, or... he just lies on a whim with no shame, or reason. My question is, though, how lying comes so seemingly natural to him that he can freely admit he does it as if it’s normal?”

Spike just blinks and swallows. “Uh, well... maybe he has to lie? In my comics, heroes have to lie to protect the ones they care about. If everypony knew their secret identity, the bad guys would go after their un-super sister or something.”

“Spike that’s ridiculous, Anthony is not a hero he... well okay he immediately came to me when Discord got out of hoof. And he even said Discord was too irresponsible to be allowed to have his powers... and he distracted Discord so we could use the Elements on him and then he stopped Discord from escaping.” I think that over for a second, looking at the facts now that I’ve said them aloud. “Wow... you really think... he might be a hero who acts like a jerk to hide his identity?”

Spike ponders, getting that cute ‘thinking’ face on. “Well, most of the heroes that want to remain unknown, and usually have a mask. So unless he’s got some sort of fake face on or whatever he seems pretty open about who he is.”

“Right.” I shake my head. Anthony a super hero from one of Spike’s comics? That’s just silly. “But he does good things, but then does bad... and then good again. Whose side is he on?”

Spike thinks. “Maybe he’s the Ponisher?”

“What?” I ask, not understanding. Must be more comic stuff.

“Well...” Spike looks around for a bit. “The Ponisher is kinda like a hero. He goes after bad guys like most of them right? But he’s all serious, and creepy. He’s more... brutal. He actually killed this gryphon who threatened some family.”

“So he acted heroic, but through violent means? That doesn’t sound like Anthony, Spike. He actually suggested we try befriending Discord... he argued that Discord should be let out sooner, but first he said that Discord should be imprisoned for what he did... it just doesn’t add up.”

“Well... if he is responsible, then he might feel bad for the chaos getting out of hand? I mean, if he wants to be Discord’s friend, then that means he sees something he likes about the guy, right?” Spike asks, innocent expression on his face.

“Well yes I suppose that’s true... but what-”

“Also, bad guys don’t have friends. They get minions, or assistants, or allies, but they never have friends. The Mane-iac has a bunch of goons, but she never has friends. Nightmare Moon didn’t have friends, or she wouldn’t have been Nightmare Moon. Trixie may not have been evil but she sure didn’t act like she wanted friends, just ponies to lord over or something. See what I mean?”

“I... do see. But then, if he isn’t a hero, but isn’t evil either... what is he?”

“Oh, he’d be an Anti-Hero! Again, like the Ponisher, or like Night Wings, or Batmane!” Spike says, so enthusiastic about his theory. Heh, I think he gets that from me...

Unfortunately I have no idea what he’s talking about. It makes no sense. “Spike, that’s a contradiction. We already discussed he’s not evil, he can’t be an anti-hero. That means he’s a bad guy. Did you forget your prefixes?”

“No, no, an Anti-Hero is a hero who doesn’t always act nice, and will hurt ponies or gryphons to do good. Exactly like Anthony! Batmane beats up gangs and villains, and sometimes really hurts them, but he never kills or uses lethal weapons or anything, because he’s a hero and still has a moral code. Anthony must be like that!” Is this really what you find out in comics? Because that’s... surprisingly deep.

“Well, he did act violently towards Luna, but he didn’t kill her even though he could have, and he physically assaulted Discord... maybe. But then why is he so mean all the time? Sure these ‘anti-heroes’ may not be nice but I doubt being rude and socially offensive is a requirement.”

“Well... no, it’s not. Batmane is tough... but only with the bad guys. And if he’s mean to us but friendly with Discord... do you... nah, that’s crazy.”

I decide to push him, I want to know what he’s thinking. “Maybe, but he’s admitted possible insanity, so what is it?”

Spike wrings his tail between his hands. Awww he looks so cute when he’s nervous. “Well... what if... what if he thinks... we’re the bad guys?” What!? “Yeah, I know, totally crazy. Just ignore it.”

No, maybe he’s on to something... but what? Why would Anthony think we’re the bad guys... What have we done that might make him think we’re guilty of wronging him?

“Maybe he just hates ponies?” Spike suggests, using that odd ability he has to seemingly read my mind. It’s nice having someone who can read me so well.

“Maybe... no, he specifically said he was going to check on a filly in the hospital. He only uses words like that when he specifies ponies, I’ve noticed.” I pause. “So... what could it be?”

Spike just shrugs. “No idea. Maybe we just have to show him we aren’t the bad guys. I mean... you did kick him in the... you know.”

I pout. “He was being completely out of control!” I sigh. “But I suppose you’re right, it wasn’t the right thing to do. So do I apologize? Does that work on these Anti-Heroes of yours?”

“Eh, sometimes. Some will just think you’re being patronizing, or will rebuff you to keep you safe - if they like you, that is - or they’ll accept it. But again, it depends on the hero. Every character is an individual, after all.” he says, with a shrug, and I don’t think he even understands how... big of a statement that was.

Maybe there’s more to comics than fancy pictures and a horrible typeface. Nevertheless, that doesn’t solve Anthony... but it’s closer than I was this morning. “Come on Spike, let’s go home and worry about him later, alright?”

“Alright.” Spike replies, still looking a bit thoughtful.

“Something on your mind?”

“Yeah, how would one even start trying to reform Discord? I’d probably just, Idunno, keep him in stone forever.”

I’m about to agree but then I end up echoing Anthony from earlier. “If we keep imprisoning him, eventually he’ll want revenge, and do we really want a Discord who actually wants to hurt ponies?”

Spike gets a look of ‘oh!’ and nods, smiling. “I get it, it’d be like when the Marevengers reformed The Sight, and brought ‘em into the group.”
.
“I... suppose. But what could we gain from having Discord around all the time? Maybe Anthony hasn’t thought all the way through this... Oh, here I said we’d stop talking about him and he’s the main subject again... why is he so hard to ignore even when he’s not here?”

“Because the world revolves around me. Duh.” Comes the reply to my rhetorical question.

“Oh, Anthony, hi... we were just talking about you.” I say, trying to appease him but the look on his face stays that playful evil grin I’ve seen only on Discord before.

“Yes, you were. Behind my back.” Okay... he has a point. Maybe Spike isn’t absolutely wrong when he says it’s possible he thinks we’re the bad guys. We aren’t exactly doing him any favors.

“Ah, right... sorry. We were just uh... thinking of ways to send you home.”

He just looks straight at me his grin turning into a frown. “I’d suggest switching wardrobes. ‘bullshit’ is a bad combination with your shade of purple.” comes the admittedly correct reply, along with crossed arms.

“Well... uh... Sorry it’s just, you make lying look so easy. I was wondering how you did it.”

The tone and body language don’t change “It comes from practice.”

My mind races, trying to think of a way to talk my way out of this but I must admit he’s too perceptive for thin disguises... Before I can speak, Spike asks the question first. “Anthony, do you think you’re a good guy or a bad guy?”

I grin sheepishly. “Oh don’t mind him he’s just-”

“Anti-hero. Don’t expect you to understand what that means though.” he’s serious in his response and and he doesn’t seem to be lying, heck he doesn’t even blink before responding.

“I know what one is!” Spike says indignantly, but Anthony’s glare doesn’t stray from me. It’s getting a bit uncomfortable.

“I wasn’t talking to you Spike, I’m talking to Twilight. Don’t know why though. I’m outta here.” Anthony’s arms unfold to give a dismissive wave and he walks off.

“Wait!” I cry, admittedly louder than necessary.

Anthony turns around and looks annoyed, but not angry at least. “Ugh, what now?”

“I just wanted to ask, why did you hurt princess Luna?”

“How is that any of your business? I thought you were Celly’s student, not hers.”

“I’m not, I mean I am I mean... Luna’s still a friend, that entitles me to know why!” I insist and...

“I suppose you’re right.” Anthony relents? What? Just like that? “Luna made a mistake. She was going to be my friend but she just ruined that. I don’t want her dead, that’s too far, but she crossed a line and that’s all you need to know.”

“No, it’s not. I need an explanation.” I insist and again, Anthony seems to relent. What is going on? A minute ago he was glaring daggers at me, now he’s answering my questions? It makes no sense...

“I burned her literally because she burned me figuratively. I wouldn’t expect you to understand what I mean.”

“I know what revenge is Anthony.”

“Not revenge you stupid pony.” Scowl is back. “It’s called betrayal.” What? What betrayal? “You remember that little diamond I made her?”

Of course I remember, it was the last thing he did before we had to rush him to intensive care all the way to Canterlot since the local Hospital wasn’t equipped enough. “Yeah, what about it?”

“That was what was called a peace-offering. When I got here, my first day was spent being an ass, especially to her for no reason, so I wanted to make up to her so I gave her a gift.”

That... makes sense. Wow, pieces are fitting together, but that just leaves one huge hole. “And then you betrayed her? Why?”

“She betrayed me.” Anthony scowls, fist clenched. “I put effort enough to hospitalize myself into making a gift specifically for her, and how does she repay me? Acting like I’m some wild animal who needs a fucking leash. If I do nice things and get spat on for it, I’m going to spit back. I’m nobody’s patsy.”

I think I’m starting to understand. “So you were hurt when Luna... did what?”

“I’m done here, I’ve said all I need to. Seeya ‘round Sparkle.” With that he just leaves. This went... oddly enough pretty well. He’s made some sense so yes, he’s acting logically, just acting extreme as well. I’m going to add this to my journal on him and send the update to Princess Celestia. Maybe she can figure something out from there.

Chapter 12

It’s been a week now since the issue with Discord. I’m walking along the streets of Ponyville, it seems the ponies have gotten used to me, as I’m not even turning any heads. Speaking of, the ponies don’t look as happy as they usually are. Some look depressed, others look worn out. They aren’t exactly sluggish, but there’s a distinct lack of energy from them. Strange.

I head down the road, and come to a few ponies who don’t seem too affected. I wave to them, but they just ignore me. The ponies are usually a little more friendly. I mean, I’m not a pony, but come on!

I decide to visit Cotton Cloudy. At least she likes me. I head to the hospital and ask to see Cotton. The doctor looks puzzled. “Wait, is she still here?” He flips through some papers. “That’s strange. She’s been listed as healthy since two days ago, but nopony’s come to pick her up...”

That pushes a button in my head. “Take me to her.”

The secretary, looking concerned, nods. “Uh, s- sure.”

Given his reaction, I’m probably glowing. I look at my arm, yep, glowing. I’m too riled up to care though. I can’t imagine such an irresponsible parent!

I walk in and see Cotton Cloudy reading a book. It’s Daring Do, of course. “Come on Cotton, put down that drivel. I’m takin’ you home.”

“Anthony!” There, that’s exactly what I needed, someone happy to see me. I feel a ton better.

The doctor in the room interjects. “I’m sorry, but unless you are a legal guardian of hers, I can’t let you take her.”

“But how do we find her mom, then?” I ask, pissed that I can’t be trusted with her even after saving her life.

“I don’t know, but those are the rules. We can’t let someone take home a foal unless they are registered as their legal guardian.”

“I am not a foal! I’m six!” Cotton says, rather put off.

“Perhaps she would prefer to be referred to as a vertically-challenged young mare.” I suggest.

Cotton obviously doesn’t understand what some of the words mean, but the doctor just gives me a strange look. “Yes, well either way, I cannot allow this filly into your custody. She must wait for her mother.”

I cover Cotton’s ears with my hands. “That’s a load of bullshit!”

Despite my attempts to prevent my language from affecting the kid, I am ejected from the hospital anyways. I need to find her mom and smack some sense into the bitch. Town hall. That’s where I need to go to fix this. I approach the grey-haired mayor, and at least she greets me in the usual way. A bit of a shock, but eventually smiles. “Hello there, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes, it’s a rather pressing matter.” I hate politics and the like more than anything else, but this is the only way.

She gives a rather cursory glance at me. “And what is this matter?”

“I need help locating the residence of a negligent parent.” I say, keeping my ‘professional and legal’ tone of voice despite my anger.

The words ‘negligent’ and ‘parent’ combined seems to throw the mare through a loop of confusion and worry. Guess it’s not that common in pony society. “Oh my. W-what is the name of this parent?”

“I don’t know, but I know the child’s name.” I admit, my tone faltering a bit.

Her brows furrow. “I see, and what is the manner of this negligence?”

“One week ago, a pegasus filly named Cotton Cloudy was admitted to the hospital after an incident where she nearly drowned. She was listed as healthy two days ago, and yet her mother has yet to retrieve said filly.”

Brows unfurrow, and return to ‘concerned’. “Oh dear. I will see what I can do.” she immediately begins to open drawers of her desk and rifles through them.

“If only to assure me that this matter is being addressed, I request that I be involved.” I say, trying to keep my foot in the metaphorical door of the issue.

She nods. “Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt.” No it won’t hurt. Not the mayor or public at least. Can’t say for this bitch of a mom when I beat her face in...

Eventually she pulls out a folder, handing it to me. I open the folder and take a look. I see two pictures. One of Cotton Cloudy. The other shows a mare. Her name is Lightning Bolt. Her coat is white and her mane is a light shade of blue. Definitely genetically related, if genetics work the same way in this place, that is.

Anyway, I copy down the address and excuse myself, thanking the mayor for her help. The address is odd though. No numbering system, it’s just basic ‘left or right’ instructions from the fountain by Town Hall which seems to be the town’s center. Really weird set-up.

I make my way through Ponyville and after a while, I find the house. Compared to the other houses of Ponyville, it’s rather nondescript. Usual thatch roof, brown wood siding, all that junk. But it’s definitely the house, if the address I have is accurate.

I knock on the door. There’s no answer.

I knock again. No answer.

I’m getting angry. I knock harder. Still nothing. That’s it, I’ve had enough. I prepare to ram my shoulder into the door, to knock it down- actually, hold up. Let’s go for a more subtle approach. Yeah, subtle now, pummel later. Agreed.

Once I make sure the door is locked, I pull out some coal, pushing some of the dust into the keyhole. I then have the dust expand and solidify, making a it fit the exact shape of the lock, shoving the tumblers into place. I grin at my little trick as I turn my custom-made key, unlocking the door. I search through the house, and eventually I realize that there’s nobody here. I turn off all the lights and close the window shutters so it’s dark, then place a chair pointing toward the door and sit down once I’ve re-locked the door.

When this bitch gets home, I want her to know she’s fucked up big time and exactly who she’s pissed off.

My mind races, thinking about what I’m going to do to this mare. I’m so angry I might do anything. I could give her a flaming bitch-slap. I could pluck the feathers out of her wings, and see if a pegasus can still fly like that. As I sit here alone in the dark, I’m so angry it feels like my silent rage is seeping into the room itself, surrounding me in my own anger. The metaphorical sauna of hate makes me think of more awful things to do. Set her on fire and watch her writhe until she turns to ash. I could slice open a major artery and see how long it takes for her to bleed out. But another part of my mind stops me. With each new form of torture my sick mind designs, I imagine how Cotton Cloudy would react. I can imagine her crying over her mother’s lifeless body, the mare’s blood on my hands. No matter how bad of a mother she may be, I’m sure her child loves her all the same.

I can’t do it. I can’t hurt this mare no matter how much I want to. I want to kill this bitch for how little she cares for her daughter, but... it’s that daughter that prevents me from deciding to follow through. I yell as I hold my head. Too much confliction. My sense of justice demands this mare face her comeuppance, but my conscience demand I let her go for Cotton’s sake. I can’t separate a mare from her daughter but I want to make this mare pay... my inner demons and angels in a struggle match, trying to wrestle for my mind.

Suddenly, the mare walks in the door. I’m acting without thinking, as if I’m just watching from the sidelines as I walk towards Lightning Bolt. Tears cloud my vision as I lift her above my head by her neck, squeezing hard. There’s an odd, cool sensation on the back of my head, then everything goes black.

It’s dark and my head is pounding, much like my first day here in Equestria. How long has it been since I blacked out? I don’t know. I feel floaty, but tight. I realize I’m restricted. I hate being restricted. I spark up and ignite, flames engulfing me, fueled by my anger.

Whatever is holding me goes from hard to soft quickly, then gives. It’s like when wax warms, really, and I fall to the floor, a flood of some kind of fluid pouring out around me, and I cough and hack as my body informs me I’d had that in my lungs this whole time.

And what the hell am I lying on? It feels smooth, a bit like plastic, or frozen wax. It’s dark, and warm in here, though that might be because I just flash-boiled my way out of... I’m still not actually sure. The fluids sticking to my clothes is beginning to congeal, and it’s gross, and I try to burn it off with moderate success.

Suddenly I see a pair of blue glowing eyes staring at me. Then more eyes open. Ten, twenty, fifty, several hundreds of glowing, pupiless eyes surround me, unblinking. The hissing noise I’m hearing is probably the creatures. Ah, the lights came on too quickly! Taking a moment to adjust I... oh shit. There have to be thousands of the strangest creatures I’ve seen thus far. They resemble ponies, but dark, chitinous armor replaces coats of fur and they have a strange frill as opposed to manes. Sharp, curved horns protrude from their foreheads, and insectoid wings sprout from their backs. They hiss at me like reptiles through their long, menacing fangs, and their wings buzz occasionally like a nervous tic.

“What the hell?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, they all swarm me.

I feel pain as their fangs sink into my skin, cutting me. I’m not going to go down like this. I swing at one of the creatures, knocking it back. I summon some coal from my pouch and make myself a buckler like before. I block a creature as it lunges at me, and use the buckler to knock back a pair who were advancing from the left. I decide to pull a Captain America and toss the shield, using my manipulative power to control its flight. I set it ablaze, spinning it around me, making the monsters back off. Unfortunately I leave my torso open, and I’m tackled by a diving strike. I lose focus and I mentally drop the coal. I don’t know where it went. Shit, now I’m out of tools.

“Fine, you wanna be that way!?” I shout as I Spark up. I decide now would be a good chance to try something new. I focus on increasing my speed, but not in my legs. My fists are steel-blue blurs as I throw punch after punch after punch. I leap from creature to creature, hardly pausing as I smash my fists into their heads, hearing wet squelching sounds as their chitin pops open under the blows. I pick up one of them and start swinging it around like a weapon, ending it by smashing it’s spine over my knee.

Another tries to divebomb me, but I turn intangible. He flies straight through my body, headfirst into the ground, where I curbstomp his neck, snapping it in two. I ignite and surround myself in a blazing inferno, making the creatures hiss at the bright light. I kick the head of my latest victim like a soccer ball at another, knocking my target over, slamming it into two more behind it.

Nobody takes me down without a serious fight.

Then they bunch up into a wall and all charge at me at once, horns alight with green energy. I do the same in scarlet, my body becoming a flaming meteor as I rush forward, my charging strike smashing through a chunk of the living wall. I continue my freeflow, blazing fists and feet smashing bodies and launching creatures in every direction, no finesse, only power. After a while, there’s one left. It tries to scamper away. No. Nobody runs. Nobody makes it out alive.

I blaze forward, running through him and grabbing him by his midsection. With an angry shout, I tear the thing’s body in half and hold his head in my hand, immolating it in fire until it crumbles to ash.

I stand above hundreds -no, thousands- of them, all dead, littering the ground. I can see a blurry reflection of myself in a piece of the wall, polished by passage to a mirror shine. I look like a flaming warlord, standing on the burning, smashed bodies of my enemies, covered in a mixture of my blood and theirs, red and blue-green combining to make a sick, soupy brown mixture. The image disturbs me deeply. Did I seriously just do that? Jeez I’m scary... At least I didn’t start eating them.

I stop as another sound disturbs the heavy silence, looking quickly around and... wait, is that... clapping?

“Impressive. Very impressive.” The voice is feminine and a bit melodic, but has a noticeable hint of malevolence in it. “Not only did you manage to break free, but also take out a remarkable portion of my swarm.”

I see her. She looks like Celestia, or Luna, in size and stature but with similar appearance to the creatures. She has a bearing they share as well, that of one accustomed to rule and being obeyed, without question.

Her horn lights green, but before I can muster a response, a faint, cool sensation touches the back of my head... no, inside my head, and everything fades to black.

I’m resting on something soft. Too tired to open my eyes. Oh well, I’m comfortable and warm. I can rest easy. Wait... I feel a strange sensation in my head. A tingling. Like... magic. I sit up in an instant and look around. I see the large mare-creature from before.

“Who... are you?”

“Hmmm, you are quite demanding, aren’t you? I suppose there’s no harm in obliging you. I am Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.” The now-named creature states.

“Changelings? You mean those things from earlier?” She nods serenely, answering my question silently. “I hate to disappoint you, but your subjects are pathetic.”

“Oh, don’t underestimate them.” she says, a sneer on her face. “They were hungry. They haven’t eaten in weeks.”

“Eaten in weeks?” How are they still alive if they haven’t eaten that long?

“Our species feeds on emotions.” she pauses dramatically. “Love, specifically.”

That raises so many red flags, there might as well be a shouting match done in semaphore. “And I’m here because...?”

“Normally we capture ponies and use them to feed, but you are... special.” she bows her head to one side, as if evading the question. “You are quite powerful.”

Yeah, the flags are going nuts making sure they’re seen in my hindbrain. “Yeah, I know, so why am I here? Where is this anyway?”

She chuckles. The melodic tone of her voice is... rather soothing. “You are in my private chambers. You are here because I have a proposal for you.”

“Would your proposal have to do with that spell you were using on me earlier?”

“Oh no, not at all.” she titters maliciously, something I never thought I’d hear outside of a kid’s movie. “I was just searching your mind. It’s quite the interesting place.”

“What were you searching for?” My eyes narrow in anger, the flags more ‘white hot’ than red at this point.

She waves a hoof dismissively, as if I’d calm down because of that. “Oh, I just wanted to get to know what and who you were, and you were in a practically comatose state.”

I am too tired for a fight. “So.” I flop down onto the bed, hands behind my head. “Why’d you bring me here?”

“I’ve never met anyone quite like you.” her sneer widens into a grin, and her eyes flash with intent. “You fascinate me.”

“And?”

“I was hoping you could... help us.” she moves closer, and I can smell her breath, which is strangely clear of the usual CO2 smell. “You see, my subjects are starving to death. Without love to feed on, we will all surely perish.”

“How could I help you?”

“Well, normally we rely on espionage- Is something funny?”

I stop laughing after a few moments. “I’m sorry but... spying? Your subjects don’t blend in too well with the general public.”

She grins. “Oh, I wouldn’t say that...” In a flash of green flames, suddenly I’m laying in front of Princess Celestia! Another wave of fire, now it’s Luna. Then Twilight. Then a whole bunch of ponies I’ve never seen. Mares, stallions, colts, fillies, unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies. Suddenly the name strikes me. “We are named Changelings for a reason, Anthony.” Chrysalis returned to her normal form and nodded with a smile. “You understand now. We cannot be accepted because of the way we look, so in order to be loved, we need to take the guise of others.”

I’ve never been a fan of racism, and this does seem unfair to make them starve... “So what would I do if I were to help?”

“You would be a leader. No more would we have to sneak around like thieving rats, we could be ourselves out in the open. A living formed from lies and deceit is not an honorable one, but it is the one we are forced to continue upholding.”

Well... that does sound more fair. “I see. And what would I gain from this?”

“...follow me.”

She takes me out to a balcony. I see a mass of the changelings, far too many to count. As soon as Chrysalis shows herself, they all stand up straight, frozen, waiting for a declaration. “They seem to respect you.”

“Unfortunately, they are brainless, mere pawns, and sentries. I lead them as their queen and they obey without question.”

“Hmmm...” Something seems off about that, but maybe I’m just too used to other races.

“So, I would like to appoint you as another leader.” she stares into my eyes, a bit eerily. “To give them direction. Give them orders as you see fit.”

“You want to make me a general for your troops?”

She chuckles again. I swear, that laugh is so... enticing, yet imposing. “Oh no my dear. Nothing like that.”

“Then what-”

“I want to make you my king.”

Chapter Unlucky

My brain stops, then reboots. “King?”

“King.” She echoes.

I narrow my eyes. “And why in Hell would I agree to join you?”

She takes a step back, and I realize just how close she’d been getting. “Wh- what?”

“I don’t know how I got here, but obviously you had something to do with it.”

She gives a dumbfounded, “Huh?”

“Don’t play games with me, I’m not some stupid pony. I was captured and taken here, trapped, then attacked.”

“But my changelings-” I cut her off. The red flags have tallied their votes and it’s a unanimous ‘what the fuck’.

“Are brainless. You said so yourself. Look at them down there. They won’t do a single bloody thing until you tell them to, no volition. I was captured and assaulted by your wishes!”

She takes another step back, one leg crossed over her chest defensively “I-”

“No, shut up! Don’t you try your silver tongue bullshit with me.” I see a faint, rippling silver-blue light on the walls and realize I’m barely starting to Spark up. “I realize you’re desperate for help, and you have my pity, but if this is how you plan on enlisting me? Then you can starve for all I care!”

She’s... crying. Wow. “P- please. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? We need help. I’m so sorry for what I did, but with the way we look, we couldn’t approach you in public. I had them attack because I... I was scared. I didn’t know what you were capable of. I didn’t want you to-”

I wave my hand, an ironic mirror of her dismissal of my fear and feelings before. “Fine. I’ll think about it.”

She smiles again, looking hopeful. “Y- you will?”

“Send me back to Ponyville and I’ll consider it.” And if she doesn’t, I get to find out what my upper limit for heat actually is.

“Oh thank you, even the prospect of help for us makes me so much more hopeful! You are a good person.” She casts her spell and teleports me back, but not before I correct her.

“No. I’m not.”

I’m in front of the Town Hall and immediately approached by Rainbow Dash. “There you are!”

“Uh, hi Dash. What’s up?”

“You think I forgot about our wager? You weaseled out on it!”

“No, I just keep getting, er, distracted.”

“Excuses, excuses.”

“Yep, now if you don’t mind there’s something I need to do, uh, somewhere else. Bye!” I run off as fast as I can, frustrating Rainbow Dash into chasing me. I continue my running until I come up on a dead end in an alley. Crap.

“End of the line, Anthony, time to pay up.”

I let out a defeated sigh. “Fine, I... I... what’s that!?” I yell out pointing at the sky behind Rainbow Dash. She whirls around and sees nothing. I take my chance to Spark up and run through the wall to the other end of the alley.

“Anthony!!!”

That was close. I decide to lay low for a bit, and I end up in the market stall lane again. This time, I’m allowed to get within two feet of a stall before they are suddenly closed. I walk up to the Apple Family stall and say hi.

Applejack waves back at me. “Howdy Anthony, haven’t seen ya ‘round here much.”

“Yeah, a lot has been happening lately.” I huff in exasperation. That was an understatement. “So how’ve you been?”

“Business is great, and so far, there’ve been no troubles at all!” the farm pony says, beaming at me.

“That’s great, AJ.” I smile. It’s good to know at least somebody is alright today.

“Hey Anthony!” The younger voice comes from around my ankles.

I look down and see Applebloom again. “Heya kid, how’ve you been?”

She looks like a lightbulb went off in her had. “Ahm great, ‘cause I jus’ got an idea!”

Ooh, that sounds like it could be fun. Maybe even more food. These Apples sure can cook. “And what’s that?”

“I can take yah t’ meet the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” She’s darned-near hopping in place like Pinkie Pie with sheer enthusiasm.

That said, I have no idea what she’s talking about. “The what?”

“Me an’ my friends formed a club dedicated to finding our Cutie Marks!” Oh... the magical horse-butt tattoos. “Ah want you ta meet ‘em!”

“That sounds great, if Applejack can take care of the stall by herself.”

Applejack just grins. “Aw, I do it all th’ time, you run off and have some fun. But stay safe, ya hear?”

“Thanks sis, seeya later!” the kid shouts as she runs off, me following easily with my much longer legs.

Applebloom takes me to Sweet Apple Acres and through a bunch of foliage. Then I see a cool little treehouse with a door barely big enough for a grown pony, obviously a ‘kids only’ type of place.

“Here we are!” she gestures up at the treehouse. “The Clubhouse!”

“It looks great ‘Bloom, but I don’t think I’ll fit through the door.” I say, realizing I’d have to crawl inside.

“Oh... yeah...” Her face falls for a moment, but the look of joy quickly returns. “Uh, hold on!”

She rushes into the clubhouse and after a few moments, out comes Applebloom and two big piles of karma. Shit.

The little white and orange fillies both shout, as one, “You!”

“Uh... me?” Applebloom responds, confusedly looking at her friends, unsure what to say.

Oh Zeus this is gonna be bad. “Listen girls, I, uh... I know we got off to a rocky start, but-”

“You broke my scooter! Those aren’t cheap, I had to save up my allowance for two weeks!” The orange one wails.

I shift awkwardly in place. “Uh, yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“Oh, you will be!” She says, raising a hoof in a mannerism that is definitely adorable, even if it would be threatening in anything... not tiny and quadrupedal.

“Hold that thought, kid.” I walk up to Sweetie Belle, figuring I should reconcile with the one I made cry first.. “Uh... I’m sorry about what I did... I wasn’t actually going to hurt you.”

“I know that!”

I falter, confused and unsure of where this is going, then. “Y- you do?” I ask, cautiously.

“Yeah. You saved everypony from Discord and helped a bunch of ponies!” she says, smiling broadly, confusing me further. “I know you wouldn’t hurt anypony.” Those words made me immediately imagine all the horrible things I’d done since I arrived here in Equestria. Man, I have been a total prick.

"So...” I probe hopefully for a good response, “I'm forgiven?"

Sweetie Belle's face stretches into what I first mistake for an attempt to snarl at me, until the corners of her mouth tip up. Comparisons to the Cheshire Cat, sharks, and piranhas all flock to my mind, and the only thing that keeps me calm is that her teeth don't appear sharp. “You are forgiven, if you help us with our crusading.”

The orange one brightens up. “I like that idea!”

“Uhm... So I just help you find your Cutie Marks?”

“Yup!” The trio replies. I totally overreacted. This should be easy. They’re just kids.

These children are the most adorable spawns of satan I could ever imagine.

“You kids are insane!” I yell.

The response is louder, “But this was your idea!”

“I was being sarcastic!” I yell louder to make my point.

“But what if our talent really does involve a trampoline and broken glass?”

“I highly doubt that it would.”

Suddenly, I hear one of the most obnoxious voices ever. The telltale accent of a stereotypical “Rich Bitch” trope.

“What are you Blank Flanks doing this time?” That voice just drips with the tone of superiority. I look down and see a very... stuck up looking pink filly, she’s wearing a crown or something, and it’s even her Cutie Mark. Jeez.

“We’re trying to get our Cutie Marks!” Applebloom replies.

“Still? Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be too shocked.” the filly rolls her eyes. “You’re never going to get them.”

Now Applebloom and the pink filly are nose to nose.

“Says you, we’re gonna get our Cutie Marks, and they’re gonna be th’ best Marks you’ve ever seen!” The little farmfilly is practically snarling her words.

“Oh puh-leez farm girl.” the stuck-up one says, scoffing derisively, “It’s obvious you’ll never get them, or you’d already have one for dumpster diving!” Woah, that’s quite a burn.

‘Bloom growls, “Says you!”

“You don’t even have a good retort! Tell you what. I’ll take that back if you can beat me at Show-and-Tell tomorrow!”

The filly walks off, nose in the air like she’s brown-nosing the sky.

I watch as the CMC start to sulk. “Uh, who was that?”

“Diamond Tiara.” came the depressed reply from all three. The orange one, whose name is Scootaloo continues. “She’s a bully. Her dad’s got tons of money so she’s always acting like she’s better than everypony else.”

Sounds like my kind of punching bag. she’s lucky she still has a few years before I can do anything. Wait...

“So you just have to bring in a better show-and-tell subject than her tomorrow?” I looks down at the trio, a few possible ideas bouncing around my head, though none are really viable... or are ridiculously unsafe. As cool a nuclear reactor would be...

“We cain’t” Applebloom moans in her accent. “She has so much money, she just keeps on showing off the shiny things she buys.”

Sweetie Belle continues for her friend. “Last week, she had a model of all of Canterlot! Who knows what she has this time?”

“Well, all you have to do is bring in something that she can’t just buy. Something special.” I sit down to think.

Scootaloo stands up. “Something cool!”

Applebloom does the same. “Somethin’ different!”

Sweetie Belle. “Something impressive!”

I look at them. “Yeah, so do you have any ideas?” They’re looking at me expectantly. “Sorry, I can’t come up with something just like that.”

Sweetie Belle does that grin again, but this time it’s not exactly directed at me. “I can!”

“Alright, what is it?” I ask.

Now the grin is focused on me again. Jeez that filly must brush a lot. “You!”

The other two fillies spring up. “Sweetie Belle, that’s perfect! We can bring Anthony!”

I’m not comfortable with this. “Wait, what?”

“Just think ‘bout it!” Sweetie says, bouncing in place. “There’s no way she can buy a hoomin!”

“Well... alright. Let’s put a bully in her place!” I agree and the trio share a triple high five.

The next day, I’m in my usual spot, resting by the schoolhouse. It doesn’t take long for kids to show up and I watch as the fillies and colts file into the little red building.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I watch Diamond Tiara and a light gray filly walk up the path. She’s got a big box with her. I wonder what’s in it? Eh, doesn’t matter. Before the day is over, that little rich bitch is going to be eating her words.

I’m sitting by the window, listening to the proceedings while I await the signal for me to walk in. I can hear Miss Cheerilee. “Thank you, Diamond Tiara, that was very impressive. Now, before we finish, does anypony else have something they’d like to share? Yes Applebloom?”

“Everypony, the other members of the Crusaders and Ah are going to show you something more incredible than anythang y’all’ve evar seen!” That’s my cue.

I Spark up and, positioned outside, behind where the blackboard is set up, I walk straight through the wall, earning many gasps of surprise, and even a few screams. I raise my arm up into the air, the assembly of ponies flinch, not knowing what to expect. I power down, and I wave at the students. “Hiya.”

Diamond Tiara is not impressed. “Ugh, don’t tell me you Blank Flanks brought that freak into our classroom?”

I walk over to Diamond Tiara. “Who are you calling a freak, bully?”

That actually got me a round of snickers from the rest of the class. Diamond Tiara acts as though the response was not a congratulation for insulting her. “Yeah great, it can talk, big deal.”

“Oh, I can do much more than talk.”

“Yeah?” she scoffs at me. “Like what?”

I grin. “How about some tricks?”

“What are you going to do? Roll over? Play fetch?” she gives a mean smile, not to me, but to the Crusaders. “Why don’t you just play dead?”

“Hmmm... all right.”

I stand at the head of the class and clear my throat and get into character.

“Here, here will I remain with worms that are thee chambermaids. Here will I set up my everlasting rest, and shake the yoke of stars from this world-wearied flesh. Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, seal with a kiss, a dateless bargain to death! Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love, oh true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss, I die.” I pull out a coal dagger and fake stabbing myself before falling to the floor.

Cheerilee claps wildly at my performance. Unfortunately, the kids just look at me weird.

“Oh come on that was Romeo and Juliet!” Still nothing from the kids. I sigh. “Fine, have it your way.”

I proceed to show off in my usual way, though given my audience, I refrain from making weapons or blades out of coal. Aside from the fact that the kids lack culture, I still manage to impress them. I decide that, as long as I keep it away from them, a bit of fire would be okay, so I give them a flaming lightshow and they just go crazy. Even though I don’t have to, I wave my arms around, directing the coal to increase the appearance of the talent.

Well, once Show-and-Tell ended, I obviously had to leave, what with being a distraction, but I figured I’d stick around for recess. The kids really like me. I’m a bit miffed only Cheerilee appreciated my acting. Sure I missed a line or two and I used the wrong words sometimes, but that was good!

Oh well, they’re just kids I suppose. Besides, they may not have the same literature.

Anyway, it turns out that Diamond Tiara occasionally did have a few neat things for Show-and-Tell, as the recess area had a really cool playground. It wasn’t what she brought today, it seems to have been donated by her father weeks ago, but it’s still pretty neat.

It had just about everything. I wasn’t small enough for most of it, but it definitely looked like tons of fun. Anyway, recess has started and I was right, all the kids really seem to like it, though they don’t really give much attention to who’s father donated it. At least they can’t be bought like most of the kids in my elementary school when I was young.

I decide that, sure, I’ll try it out. I’ll just be sure not to get stuck in anything. I figure I’d pass up the swing-set as my height is more than that of an alicorn, much less a foal. I look around, and find a jungle gym, with large enough gaps in it for even me to fit. Perfect. I climb up on it and make a human pretzel out of myself a few times before I get tired of that. I proceed to just see what I could do wit the jungle gym, be it use it as a springboard (which ended badly) or try and walk along the top without falling. I return to making knots out of my body, when I realize that I actually have an audience. All the foals are watching me and my interesting acrobatics. Heh, that’s being bipedal for you. I continue, and the crowd grows larger until I have captivated the entire class. I can tell even Diamond Tiara and her light-gray lacky are impressed. Not that they’d call it that, but I’m not stupid.

BOOM

What was that? I don’t think anything in a playground should explode...

Then it’s dark. Either something is blocking the sun, or Celestia went to bed early today. Given the terrified look on the kids’ faces, I’m going to bet it’s the former. Shit.

I turn around to see... I’m not sure.

At first, it looks like a river spreading, but made of night and pouring through the sky and clouds alike. The shape is vaguely serpentine, and so massive that it brushes aside cumulo nimbus clouds like like drifting dandelion seeds. If the sun hadn’t still been in the ‘morning’ position, it wouldn’t have had any effect on the daylight yet, it was so far away... and still perfectly visible.

There’s no way to further describe the gargantuan being beyond magnificent, and utterly terrifying to me on a level I can’t quite comprehend.

I decide that my first action would be to get all the children to safety. But there’s only one thing I can think of. “Alright kids, recess is over early. Let’s get back inside, now!” They are all screaming, heading inside, but a few are straggling.

I decide to just pick up a few kids and drop them inside. Luckily I don’t need to go air-breakingly fast, so I decide to speed up. Once everyone is inside, I instruct them on the proper method of dealing with some sort of disaster while at school. Duck and cover under their desks. Yeah I know it’s stupid, but I don’t have anything else to offer.

A vague uneasiness settles into my bones, beyond what would naturally occur from something pretty much earth-shattering. Luna wasn’t angry with me, was she? This angry, at least?

I feel like my entire body is freaking out, and that disturbs me further. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but it’s the cause of it obviously. Also, I can’t seem to power down, my body is going nuts and won’t listen to me.

So as I’m watching this streak through the schoolhouse windows, there’s a flash of light and I see both princesses. And they look pissed. I run over to them. “What is that thing?”

“Why don’t you explain what it’s doing here, first?” Celestia demands.

“I have no idea, it just... showed up. I’ve been here by the school all day.” Celestia glares at me. “I swear.”

A guard in a surprisingly effective-looking suit of armor, looking much less ornate than the suits worn in the capitol, salutes Celestia as she enters. “Princesses, the star-beast has dropped below four-thousand hooflengths! It’s going to hit the land in less than an hour!”

That sounds a bit bad. “What? What’s going to hit?”

Celestia looked at me quite seriously and stated, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“That fills me with absolutely zero confidence, I’ll have you know.” I’m still trying to power down, simply so that I know I can, but it’s not working, so I just assume this thing is dangerous and try to calm down, hands at my sides balled into fists nonetheless.

To my surprise, Luna leans over and sniffs deeply at me. Luna snorts derisively, then straightens up. “You smell like a young star, like this.”

“Like what? A star is a ball of gasses and energy that radiate light as energy. How do you know what one smells like!?”

“Perhaps stars are balls during infancy, but they do mature. As the princess of the night, it is my duty to shepherd and care for the stars, especially during the day, when they sleep and are vulnerable.” she replies calmly, a strangely appraising look in her eyes as she looks at me.

“You imply that stars can be killed. Last I knew, they aren’t sentient. They don’t do anything but sit in the sky and twinkle and act as fodder for bad fairy tales.”

Luna’s mouth narrows into a hard line, one I’ve seen when my mother is about to blow holes in universal happiness with how angry she is. I decide now would be a good time to cover my face with my arms.

“I will not allow you to impugn my subjects in such a way! They are the source of fulfilled wishes! They can think and reason as well as any other pony, and do not merely sit around!” Luna’s tirade is halted by a gold-shod hoof tapping her on the shoulder. I’m so glad Celestia is at least staying calm... I sure as hell am not.

“Luna, please... what did you seek to learn from knowing if he smells like a star or not?”

The smaller princess inhales deeply, and begins to explain. “Just as there is life in the sky, night or day, there are things which must eat. While Stars are gentle, and need only praise and care to survive, there are beasts like wolves that hunt them, and creatures like the one in the sky today. It is called a Star-Swallower, and it is like a grand whale, seeking only small things to eat. And you, Anthony, smell like food.”

“F- food? But I’m not a star! I-” I look down at my glowing form, and pause. “Oh... you mean this power is... shit.”

“It is the sum of all adoration, love, and care from anyone who has ever been your friend or family.”

“I suppose that explains a few things, but... This thing wants to eat me, and I don’t plan on being eaten, so how do we kill it?”

Luna looked at me with a fair amount of anger still in her expression, until it just... melts. Sadness fell into place instead, and she whispered. “It won’t harm you. It has barely any weight at all, but enough to crush itself as it lands. It was not meant for this mortal land, and it will die, lost and confused.”

Wow... uh... Can I take back that ‘I want to kill it’ statement? I feel like a jerk now. On the other hand. “But if we don’t get rid of it, how much damage will it cause on a scale of one to ten? One is a few square blocks. Ten is Equestria-goes-byebye.”

Luna sniffled. “None. It’s an aetheric beast, it has no substance that will cause harm to us. It is meant to find young stars unable to form fully and eat them, keeping the skies clear of lost hopes. It is also one of the last few of its kind; without my shepherding over the last millennia, they have not fared well from the occasional dark sorcerer seeking raw power.”

“So this thing... is basically natural selection and a giant, non-solid super-battery all in one? Geez. What do I do?”

Luna looked me in the eye. “You hope no others have been drawn near enough to die for a prize they cannot reach.”

“So... uh...” I turn to Celestia. “Can you translate?”

“They are drawn to you. We can only hope that they are spread far enough that you will mature before another one tries to seek you, and dies on Equestria’s soil.”

“So... I need to... what? Make everyone like me a bunch?”

“No, simply growing older will work.” Luna said. “That this one arrived so quickly... they usually take decades to travel. It must have already been close when you arrived.”

“...but I’ve been here for months, I... let me guess, more of this ‘stellar physiology’ stuff, right?”

“Stars take many hundreds of years to grow to maturity. That you are already much grown suggests you are about three, four hundred years old. In another hundred, they should ignore you.”

“So what do I do in the meantime?” I say, exasperated and confused. “I can’t just sit here and think about aging for a hundred years!”

“No, you will do that naturally... unless your race normally only ages when the act is thought of?”

“Heh, we wish. You wouldn’t believe some of the crap we pull to squeeze an extra ten or so years out of our lives. It’s kinda pathetic.” I shake my head, rambling from nerves alone. “No, we age over time.”

“Well, you should be able to live for nearly a millennia of total time... minus your existing three centuries.”

The guard came back, saluting once more. “The creature is about to land. It’ll be landing through the Everfree, almost in Ponyville! The troops have already disseminated the cover-story, as per your orders.”

“Everfree? What? Oh nevermind. You say this thing will just fall to the ground and die on impact, harming nothing?”

“Like a bowl of potted petunias.”

I pause at that. “I... I... Douglas Adams? Does he... exist here?”

Celestia looked at me strangely. “Who?”

“Douglas Adams, he’s the guy who wrote The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books, he’s the one who wrote-”

“Oh! You mean Croupless Apples!” Luna said, looking happy. “He wrote of going to stars and speaking with them, and so many funny aliens living on moons orbiting them! I didn’t know you’d gotten to read them; Twilight recommended them to me.”

I stammer for a moment. Oh great, they have similar literature. Or at least sci-fi comedy. I guess I’ll check out the books and see what’s different. But right now... “So the giant space-whale is going to die and we don’t have any way to prevent it?”

Luna’s happy expression fell once more. “That... that is about the sum of it. I will be there when it lands, to grant its last moments some amount of peace...” She began to roll her limbs to ready herself for flight, Celestia doing the same beside her.

“You uh, you do that.” I’m... not entirely sure what to do at this point. There’s a huge event with me in the dead-center of it, and I can’t do anything. I feel totally useless... goddamnit.

The princesses and their guard leave. I... don’t know how to feel. The thing came here for me. I dragged it to it’s death without even intending to. Does this make me an interstellar murderer? Or, do I just accept it?

And what’ll tomorrow bring? More of the same, worse, or maybe better? I need something to make me feel better. I figure I could see Pinkie about that. I make my way to Sugarcube Corner.

Chapter 14

I get to the sweet shop and sit down at a table. Mr. Cake comes over with a notepad, in his usual chipper ‘customer service’ manner. “Hello, Anthony. What do want today?”

I let out a sigh. “Ten screwdrivers on the rocks. Very high rocks.”

He looks at me in confusion, brows furrowed. “Uh... I don’t get it. There’s a hardware store to the East of here...”

“Just forget it.” I wave off the request and try again. “Gimme a strawberry milkshake.”

“You got it, champ!” He seems so happy. I see Pinkie Pie come down the stairs, and she rushes over to me. “Hi there! How are you doing?”

Mr. Cake hands me my milkshake and I grab the cherry off the top, tossing it at the wall, but Pinkie catches it in her mouth with her strange speed. “Thanks!” She grins, then realizes my rather depressed mood. “What’s wrong Anthony?” I decide keeping it bottled up doesn’t help, so I tell her what happened with the Star-Swallower.

After I’m finished, she looks kind depressed too, but also a bit quizzical. “So this thing eats stars... and it came for you... but you’re not a star, you’re a humananan!”

“It thought I was a star.” I say, glumly.

Now its her turn to wear the ‘color me confused’ expression. “Why would it think that?”

“Stellar physiology.” I explain, mixing my spoon around in the sweet treat that for once in my life is unappetizing.

“Huh?” She cocks her head curiously, looking like a bird or a cat.

I Spark up as a demonstration. “This. Like this, I’m pretty much a baby star. At least Luna says so.”

“Wo~ow!” her eyes go wide and she reaches out a hoof to paw at my leg, which is shining through my pants. “That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, but I don’t even know why I’m like this. I just... am.” I wipe away the vestigial starts of tears before they can grow. “I thought this was a gift with all the things it lets me do but-”

Pinkie Pie shakes her head. “No, it is a gift,” her hoof moves from my leg to my chest, “You’re a hero Anthony. You help anypony who really needs you. Even when Discord was causing all that trouble, you did something, because you didn’t want anypony to get hurt. You’re a good person, and your powers help show that.”

“Wow Pinkie, I... I... thanks.” I give her a big hug. I needed this. She hugs me back and we stay like that for a few minutes. Her coat is soft, and she’s warm. I feel so much better. I feel comfortable. I needed this. I know she isn’t fully aware of the less-than-heroic things I’ve done, but it still helps. Element of Laughter my ass, this pony right here is the Element of Confidence.

I leave Sugarcube Corner a lot happier than... well, happier than I’ve felt in a long time, even before I came to Equestria. I’ve already accepted that I may not go back home given the general disinterest in attempting it I read from Twilight, but right now... I think I can consider these ponies my family now, and I intend on protecting my family.

I think about Chrysalis and the things she said, about how she needs my help. I don’t want to just stand by while a species goes extinct if I can help... but I also remember how I got in that position. I need to know more about these creatures. Twilight’s smart, I’m sure that if she doesn’t have a book on Changelings, she can tell me a bit about them.

I walk in the library and look around. “Twilight?”

Spike speaks up from a desk. He has a comic of some kind in his hands. “Not here. You just missed her. What do you need?”

I think on who I could get as a substitute. “Well, I suppose as her number one assistant, you must be pretty smart too...”

He puffs out his chest, eyes still not coming up from his comic. “I don’t like to brag, but...”

“How much do you know about Changelings?” I ask, getting straight to the point.

Now he looks up. “Uh, not much. Actually, not many ponies know a lot about them. I think Twilight has her notes on them somewhere in this pile over here.” He begins rifling through the mass of information the librarian has gleaned over her life. It is quite impressive, I must admit.

A few bundles of notes checked later, “Found it! Changelings. That’s... all it has as the title.”

“Oh well, let’s see what she’s discovered.” I say as I take the notes and begin to leaf through them.

I sit down in my chair and flip through the notes. I then come across something Chrysalis didn’t mention, and probably would avoid if asked: The process of ‘feeding’ involves taking the form of the victim’s loved one, posing as them, and feeding off the love that the victim feels for the loved one. The process is painful and draining for the victim.

I don’t believe it, the Changelings are parasites! A bunch of deceiving, abducting, scheming, mindless emotion-leeches. I can’t believe I might have trusted Chrysalis! Although... These are Twilight’s notes, they must have been gained from personal experience, which means that it’s possible they could be biased, even just a little.

I think back to Discord. He was almost what Twilight described him as. Yes he was dangerous, but Twilight made him seem like a monster, not just an irresponsible prankster with no thought of ramification. Perhaps... could it be the same with Changelings? Is Twilight exaggerating? I can’t tell.

I continue poring over all of her notes late into the night. I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I wake up, sunlight streaming through the window. I stand up and stretch. My back aches.

Groaning, I ask aloud, “Geez, how does Twilight do this without getting a sore back?”

From behind me, Twilight replies, “Well, I usually have a bit more support for my spine, for one.”

Turning and blinking sleepily at her, I yawn. “Oh, ‘morning Twi.”

“Good morning.” he eyes narrow as she spots my reading material. “Wait... are those my notes?”

“Er... yeah.” Something plausible... ohh, I know, “I don’t know much about Equestria, and since you have firsthand experience with a few things, I figured I could see what you’ve discovered.”

“I see, well, thank you. I’m glad you trust my expertise.” She looks very proud of herself, like she’s expecting a gold star sticker or something. “So, what are you looking at now... Changelings?” As the word leaves her mouth, she gets noticeably more rigid and tense.

“Yeah, the name sounded interesting, so...”

“There’s not much you need to know, Anthony. They are heartless, emotionless beasts that want nothing more than hostile takeover and total control over Equestria.” She replies dead serious, taking the notes in her magical grasp and putting them back with her other research.

“That’s... a bit harsh. How do you know?”

“I know because my friends and I had to fight them and their queen! If it weren’t for my brother and Cadence, Equestria would have fallen into Queen Chrysalis’ hooves already.” She says, looking both righteously angry, and a little scared.

Interesting. I decide to change the subject, but still get a few answers. “So earlier, during events that I feel would best be explained by the princesses, a certain location was brought up.”

Twilight is rifling through some more of her notes, re-alphabetizing what Spike had messed up.”Oh? And what location is it?”

“What do you know of a place called Everfree?”

She raises her eyebrows, her stance no longer the angry-defensive, but curious. “The Everfree Forest?”

“I suppose so.” I say unsurely.

She smiles, and a few tomes and notebooks come over in her magical grasp. “Well, what do you want to know?”

“Well, what do you know of it?” I ask, then continue with, “Do you have experience with it?”

“Yes, I do!” she says, perky once more. I swear, ponies are like puppies; catch their interest and they stop being upset. “I suppose I can tell you the story of my first venture into the Forest.”

“What happened?”

“Well, let’s start from the beginning.” she settles onto a cushion. “I was in Canterlot, reading a book, when I came across a passage mentioning the Elements of Harmony...”

“And then, there was a huge reunion party for the princesses, and I’ve been living here in Ponyville with my friends ever since.”

“Wow, that’s... quite the story.”

“Indeed.” she says, nodding.

“So the Everfree Forest is dangerous?” I ask for clarification. It sounded like most of the problem was from Nightmare Moon than the forest actually being a challenge.

“Immensely so, there’s a lot we don’t know about it from what lives in it, to what secrets it holds.”

Huh, alright. “I think I’d like to check it out sometime.”

“Really? Are you sure that’s wise?” she says, looking baffled. “You know even less about it than anypony in this whole town!”

“What can I say? I’m curious. Don’t act like you’ve never had a question you wanted to answer by experiencing it firsthand.”

“As right as you are, I cannot advise that you do this without proper protection.” Twilight says, a touch patronizingly.

“Oh alright, I’ll bring some condoms.”

Her entire expression is disrupted. “Some what?”

“Nevermind, just...” I chuckle. “Nevermind.” Guess they have different names for them. If they have them at all. Ew.

I approach the forest and I can see clearly that its thick canopy prevents light from shining through. I walk forward into the darkness, some coal fashioned into a machete in case any foliage blocks my way. As I’m walking, I hear something rustling in the bushes. I turn, but see nothing.

“A- Anthony?”

Huh? I turn around and see Fluttershy. “‘Shy? What are you doing here?”

“I- I saw you come into the forest. It’s dangerous in here, we should leave before something bad happens.” She starts looking around frantically. Yep, definitely lives up to her name. Anyway, I’m not in a very contrary mood, so I shrug and follow the yellow pegasus and then I realize how she saw me so soon. The Everfree Forest is pretty much her backyard. I’m pretty sure there should be some zoning regulation about that but... whatever.

So I walk into Fluttershy’s cottage and it smells like wild animal. Joy. I sit down on the couch, making sure to stay away from any birdhouses. I don’t trust birds, especially the pretty ones. I see Fluttershy doing something in another room and I start to think.

“Hey Fluttershy, why didn’t you want me to go into the Everfree anyways?”

“Because it’s dangerous.” she says matter-of-factly, “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

That stops me for a second. “But... you hardly know me. I mean, we haven’t even seen each other since the day I first woke up here in Ponyville.”

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t think that would matter...” she says, sounding unsure now.

“Well, I suppose it doesn’t really, but I don’t see why you’d be so worried about my safety.”

She looks back at me, looking a touch hurt and confused. “But, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

Friends? Huh? When did that start? “Are we? This is the longest we’ve ever even been together.”

“But you’re a friend of my friends, so doesn’t that count?”

I think for a moment. Out of all the ponies in Ponyville, Fluttershy knows the least about me aside from whatever stories she may hear. I speak up. “Fluttershy, do you think I’m a bad person?”

“Wh- what?” Now she looks... well, she looks like a young lady stuck in a small room with someone who just asked a really awkward question. And is shy.

“Do you think I’m a bad person?” I repeat.

She looks down at the ground and shifts on her hooves nervously.”Well, I... um... I...” Suddenly she finds words. “I’m not sure, if that’s okay with you?”

She’s honest, I’ll give her that. “But you still consider me a friend? Even if you think I’m bad?” She lets out a little ‘Eep!’ at this. Guess that is kind of a big question. Seems she’s going to try answering anyway.

“W- well... maybe you’re not bad? Just, um... confused?”

Well I am, but not in the way she seems to be implying. “Confused?”

“I understand that our world is very different from yours, and you come off as... distant.” she says, shifting on her hooves and not meeting my eyes. “You react to things so differently from a normal pony, and... well...”

“Let me tell you something, ‘Shy. Even back in my world I wasn’t normal. My brain is messed up on the inside. It’s like the world is a puzzle, and I’m a piece that just doesn’t fit.” Three cheers for autism!

“Maybe... maybe you do fit, but not in the place you think you do.” Her voice is quieter now, and getting harder to hear.

“You think so? You think I have a place in this world?” That would be a first, honestly. Though I am a bit dissatisfied with the idea that I’d be considered normal. Who wants to be a ‘Normie’?

“I’m positive you do, you just have to find it. And you don’t have to look alone, there are friends you can rely on, if you just let us.”

I scoff. “That’s... kind of the problem.”

“What?”

I cross my arms. “I don’t know this world, how do I know who I can trust?”

“You can trust me.” She gives me a startlingly fearless hug. Oh my god this pony is so soft... like, crushed velvet is sandpaper compared to this coat of fur. I hug her back.

“Can I?” I whisper.

“I’ve always trusted others, even if I don’t know them well.” she says, voice also low enough to be a whisper. “You never know what you can gain from being kind to those who you don’t understand.”

“Like the manticore?”

She leans back and gives me a surprised look. “H- how’d you know about that?”

“Twilight explained the story of how you six met, and your fight against Nightmare Moon.”

“Oh, well then yes. Like the manticore. Sometimes we just have to give something the benefit of the doubt, even if it seems dangerous.”

“Okay Fluttershy.” I nod, “I... I’ll give it a try.”

“Thank you, Anthony. Remember, if you ever need help, you do have friends, even if you’re not sure we are.”

I think about the decisions I’ve made in my life, both this one and my previous, as I walk away from Fluttershy’s cottage.

I feel like I’m being watched from the forest... I turn and see a bush shift. I walk into the forest after it. I see another bush move. I realize that whatever this creature is, it’s leading me somewhere. “I know you’re there, and I know what you’re doing. Show yourself.” A figure walks out of some tall grass. A Changeling. Of course. “...Take me to your Queen.”

I’ve gotten Twilight’s side and Chyrsalis’ side, now I want to talk to her about Twilight’s side.

The Changeling nods and walks off. I follow, taking careful note of the way I’m going.

After a while, the Changeling leads me down a hole, and as I continue through the cavern, the ground becomes that of the strange material of the hive. We come to the chamber where I was brought earlier. I can tell because it seems not all of the Changeling blood has been washed from the floor.

“So, you have decided to return.” Chrysalis.

“Yes, I have.” I see her from the balcony. She looks down on me, and her horn begins to glow a bright emerald green. I blink and I’m in her chambers once more. “So, Anthony. Have you made your decision?”

“I’m not sure...” I know these creatures wish pain on others, but it’s for their survival. Was I much different as a human? Our history of violence and greed, murdering for what we wanted? No, it was different. These Changelings do it because they must do it to survive, and they don’t kill, either. “What would happen once the Changelings have eaten and are strong enough to... whatever it is you need to do to fit in with the ponies?”

“Well, we’d be able to take our rightful places! As the fourth tribe of ponykind, of course.” She says.

“But... you aren’t actually ponies, right? So... wait, what is a Changeling anyhow? I mean you don’t look like ponies and you don’t act like ponies... why do you want to be ponies?”

“W-well... if we’re ponies, we’d be loved, and then we’d be just fine, and not need to take hostages or anything.” she says, nodding as if that was perfectly acceptable.

“Uh... sure. Okay. And once that’s done, what are you going to do? The ponies already have a leader. Granted she’s not exactly my idea of a great ruler.” I say, shrugging.

“Well, I’d lead my changelings, of course, they can’t really think without me. And they’d be loved, and I’d be powerful, and you would share in that power, of course. Haven’t you ever wanted something you couldn’t have? Well, you’ll be able to have it then.” she says, batting her eyes at me.

I roll my eyes. “Something I want... Yeah I doubt you can grant telekinetic powers or an endless supply of chocolate.”

“Oh, but I can. Through the hive, you have access to magic, limitless as the love of a nation for its rulers, and you will be able to do anything you want.”

Interesting point. King of the Changelings would mean a bunch of slaves to do whatever I want... but I already kind of do whatever I want. “And how would we start all this? It seems your previous attempts don’t seem to put you in a good light with the ponies. How do we win them over?”

“Hmm... here, I have a spell that will grant you something of a vision of the future. It isn’t true prescience, mind you, but it lets your mind build the most likely results of the future from a choice. I’m sure you’ll find the answers there.” she says, a touch evasively. Once again, I find that she’s moved her face a bit closer to me than is strictly comfortable.

“Personal bubble, but yeah, alright. So do I just stand here and have the vision when you cast the spell or what?”

“It would be best if you laid down, and got... comfortable. I have a bed you may use.” she says, gesturing towards a side passage that, presumably, leads to her bedroom.

Yep, same room I was in when I was here last time, the one she called her ‘chambers’. Man, who talks like that? Then again I guess she’s gonna be a little off due to being so estranged and all. I lay down on the bed, large enough for four of me, and Chrysalis decides to get comfortable too, laying belly-down on the bed. “Alright, get with the vision-thingy, let’s see what we get.”

She lays her hooves on my chest and brings a viridian-shrouded horn to my forehead, a tingle across my brain giving me my only warning before the wo-

I stand on the balcony next to Chrysalis, all the changelings in front of me. I sit down on a throne and I have to make a decree that I am hungry before the brainless ants come to my side. It’s pretty rough dealing with changelings since they don’t think without me or Chrysalis. Changelings make up about 50% of the Equestrian population now and I’m still their king so technically, even though my throne is in the hive in the forest, I have subjects in as many places as the princesses do, and since they don’t govern the changelings, I do, I basically own whatever my Changelings do including where they live.

So I half run Equestria. And it’s boring and stupid. My subjects are everywhere, but they are drooling morons, zombies without me around. I walk up to a Changeling and knock on it’s head to see if anything’s home. Nope, no reaction. I figured once they integrated with ponies they’d gain sentience but... no.

That said, the changelings listen to my every word. The ponies have pretty much ostracized me, which is fine I guess. Nobody to talk to other than Chrysalis though. Not sure what to really do with myself. I have an endless supply of pawns, but nobody to play with.

I step out of my throne room, and furrow my brows at the layer of dust on the floor outside. Looking around, I notice that the tapestries and paintings are faded... tattered. There wasn’t a battle, I’d have heard it, but... well, nothing had happened this week. Or... month. Not sure how long I’ve been in that room. I step out of the castle, finding empty rooms and stationary, gray changelings, practically petrified in place from the coatings of dust on them. Outside, the the sun and moon hang in place overhead, night and day weirdly split in the area between them like a bad photoshop gradient effect.

All around, the world is baked dry, silent, and dead.

H-how long have I been in that throne room? Nobody has come by in... I don’t know how long. I can’t remember. And... everything died. Everything. There’s nothing. I’m alone, even more than I had thought.

I have all the power in the world, and now... I have nothing. But wasn’t it about yesterday, or something, that I... no, I just ordered some changelings around.

I figured the world would fall apart without me around, but not literally, this is crazy!

I look around for something green, but just get gray and more gray. And brown. No primary or vibrant colors anymore. I just sat there, king of a bunch of zombies until I outlived literally everything. Celestia and Luna included. Now I truly can do anything I want... but I’m all alone. So alone... was it always this cold? The silence is driving me nuts! The world is just dust, an endless expanse of nothing! I might as well be dead too, a king of nothing! How could it come to this, just sitting on a throne day after day week after week month after month, year after year... no attendants, nobody to talk to, nobody to tell me what was going on... The gentle touch of time took me unaware as everything went to ruin.

How could Celestia let this happen? How could I let this happen? How could I not notice that my ruling a bunch of mindless drones would leave me with nothing at all? T. S. Eliot was right. It all ended with a whisper... if even that. I kneel on the dust-covered ground as I take in the ghosts of what used to be grass and trees.

I’m alone.

Alone...

Alone. Forever.

I come to with a gasp, waking from the horrific vision, on Chrysalis’ bed. “Woah. That was heavy...” I turn to Chrysalis. “So that’s the future?”

She shakes her head. “I may be powerful but not that powerful... yet. That was just a possible future, one of many... if you choose to join me. So what did you see? Did you imagine what it would be like to be my husband?” She stares at me intently, a sultry look on her face.

“That aspect didn’t even cross my mind or play a role.”

“Awwww, I thought you liked me...” Chrysalis pouts.

“I haven’t decided on that yet.” I clarify. “Anyways, let’s say you teleport me back to Ponyville and I’ll give your offer some thought.”

She winks at me. “I hope you make the right decision.”

“Same here.” I say and Chryssi seems to have gotten the wrong idea as she claps her hooves together. She’s at least cute when she’s happy. But otherwise, nah, not my type. Anyway, Chryssi’s horn glows and I’m back in Ponyville and it looks totally normal! Grass, trees, sunlight, houses, ponies everywhere... it’s beautiful! I move through Ponyville happier than I’ve been in a while. Today is just fantastic! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and Rainbow Dash is about to crash into me!

Wait a sec- *WHAM*

“Alright Anthony, that’s it, you’re gonna get yellow, and you’re gonna do it today!”

Oh well. “You got it, Dashie, I’ll go get the paint if you round up everybody at Town Hall!”

“Don’t try to- Huh? You’re... gonna do it?”

“Yup!” I grin.

“Really? No tricks? You’ll do it?”

“Of course!” I give Rainbow Dash a big hug.

“Jeez, man. Did you swap brains with Pinkie Pie?”

“Nope, I’m gonna go get that paint, now. Meet ya at Town Hall!”

I run back to the library to get the paint, leaving a very confused Rainbow Dash.

I grab the bucket and brush, take it to Town Hall, and tell the mayor that I will be putting on a very special performance. No point in spoiling the surprise for anyone.

I look out at the crowd, and yes, all of Ponyville is here. Every. Single. Pony.

Rainbow Dash approaches me. “Alright, this is gonna be awesome! I’ve been waiting a while for this.”

“Yup, and you’re going to get it. Everyone here is gonna get it. Hope you enjoy the show.”

Rainbow gives a smirk. “Oh, I will!”

I walk out onto the steps and clear my throat, all the ponies quieting down and shifting their attention to me.

“Hello everyone. By now, most of you know me, so I doubt I need to introduce myself.”

I get replies of nods and sounds of agreement. “So, I will get to the reason you are all here. I made a deal with Rainbow Dash. We got into a competition to see who was the fastest.”

A few ponies chuckle, others gasp. Apparently a lot of ponies know how fast Rainbow Dash is.

I continue. “And, I lost. I was beaten rather easily, and now, I will face the consequences, as per our agreement. Rainbow Dash, you win, so I’m going to do this for you.”

Rainbow Dash leaps up into the air, wings flapping and pumps her hoof into the air “Yes! This is gonna be good!”

I sigh and strip down to my boxers, the crowd giggling in anticipation of my humiliation. Dipping the large brush into the bucket of paint I proceed to slather the paint all over my body, the wet paint smelling fiercely and clinging to my arms and legs especially. My stomach is the last to go and I’m soon finished, covered in yellow from my toes to my neckline.

Rainbow flies up onto the stage and gestures to me in a presenting manner as if I was a giant trophy. “Good, now finish it.”

“Finish it how?” I ask.

Rainbow Dash grins and picks up the paint bucket and flies up into the air with it. She comes down with a cloud which she’s dumped the paint into. She kneads it for a while then kicks it hard and a large sluice of paint hits me right in the face. Sputtering, I shout out. “This was not part of the deal!”

“It is now!” Rainbow yells, laughing out loud as she comes in for a landing. She stands in front of me, making a large mistake.

Dripping wet with paint, I give Dash a big hug, smearing the paint all over her as well. and run off, grabbing my clothes.

I walk back to the library, carrying my clothes. I walk in and I see Twilight. As soon as she sees me, she holds her book up, away from the paint. “Shower. Now!”

“Oh, totally, this paint is getting itchy.” I say.

Chapter 15

Author's Notes:

I'm ba~ack!! I'm over my apathy and I'm ready to write again!

I get into the shower and wash myself off, but there’s a nagging thought at the back of my mind. That vision... It was me. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t clean the images from my mind. I know it’s not what I want, no way. I could never let that happen... but apparently, I could. Even if it’s the worst case scenario, the fact that that’s what I could end up not doing... I shudder, scared by myself. I know my mind is messed up, but what I saw... no. I don’t need to think about it. It’s over, it didn’t happen, and it’s not going to happen. I let the gentle susurrus of the water calm my nerves. I am not so ignorant of those around me. These ponies showed me that.

I’ve had a dark past, a lot of pain, fear and hatred from those closest to me and to those I didn’t even know. But this is my chance. Here, in Equestria, I can be safe. Not physically of course, this place is filled with dangers and threats, but... I’m not worried. I have friends here. Friends who care about me and will help me if I need them. Is this what Twilight meant by ‘Friendship is magic’? Not an actual force or power, but... a sort of mental unity that we can use to feel safe?

I’m not entirely convinced I fit the bill for ‘best friend ever’. I have many vices: Greed, sloth, I’m a liar, thief and a cheat... but I’m not evil, and these ponies trust me. My own trust has been abused in the past and left me scarred and hurt, but I will not do the same. I don’t vow to be a good person through and through, that’s impossible, but... I feel relieved. That image helped me. It showed me what I’m not and why I’m glad that I’m not. I’m not going to make any changes to who I am. I’m fine the way I am. Maybe... maybe I should tell them my name? No. I’m not sure if I’m the same person as back then... but I don’t feel any different... I have to give it more thought later.

I get out of the shower and dry myself off. It takes about six towels because they’re so small. Damn these ponies and their tiny bodies. I put on my clothes, and I feel like I hadn’t just showered. It just occured to me how filthy they are. I decide that I’m going to talk to Rarity about those clothes.

I head over to Carousel Boutique, thinking about what sort of clothes she might come up with. I’ve seen her designs and they aren’t bad, but I think that jeweled clothing would get rather uncomfortable. I walk in the door and see Rarity, perfectly fine, working on a dress. No, stop freaking out, it was just a dream, everybody is perfectly fine. I take a deep breath to calm myself.

“Hiya Rarity.” I say, announcing my presence.

“Huh? Oh, hello Anthony. That was, um... quite the show you put on earlier. I’m sorry Rainbow Dash had weaseled you into something so degrading.”

“What can I say? I lost fair and square, and I was the one who set the stakes. Anyway, I’ve finally gotten sick of wearing the same outfit this entire time so...”

Immediately, Rarity’s eyes light up. “Oh that’s marvelous, because I have come up with hundreds of fabulous designs, you simply have to try them! Well, once I finish them of course. It’s a little difficult because I don’t have any human mannequins, but I do have a few things finished.”

I shrug, but a small smile tugs at the corner of my lips. Slightly. “Sure, why not? Let’s see what you have.”

Minutes later, I’m not sure if I feel suave, or really fancy. She made me a fine, blue longsleeve shirt, over a white undershirt, with a spring-green handkerchief in the breast pocket. Since my legs are not as prominent as that of a pony, all I had was a pair of simple white slacks, but that just seemed to help the entire ensemble. But something was missing...

“This is really cool Rarity!”

“Thank you dear, I had to make this without any form of reference, but I did what I could. I am so glad that you like this!” She’s practically beaming, chest puffed out with pride.

“Now how about some underwear?”

Rarity blinks at me, her look of pride turning to one of mild embarrassment. “Uhhh, well... I suppose I could make you some, but it’s not exactly... what my business here is for.”

“What? You make clothes. Underwear is clothing, right?”

Rarity coughed into her hoof and cast a furtive glance to the door. “Well, I’m not exactly in the business of designing... intimate apparel.”

“Intimate?” Then it struck me. Ponies don’t wear underwear. they don’t have to, so to them, clothing meant to cover one’s privates... “Oh-nononononono! That’s not what I meant, I swear, I just want something to prevent chafing, and have a little cover incase my pants get messed up.”

“...covering?” Comes the tentative question.

I facepalm and take a deep breath, kneeling down to be eye-level with Rarity. “How do I put this? Stallions and human males are... different.” She nods slowly, a bit confused. I decide the easiest way to do this would be to just be blunt. “Specifically with our... genitalia. You see, stallions have a sheath so that when their ‘tool’ is not in use, it is not clearly visible to the public.”

She’s still nodding, a bit of a blush visible on her face.

“Human males, like me, do not have a sheath, nor do we have fur. This means that if we do not use clothing to cover ourselves...”

The blush has spread across her entire face and is now very visible. She puts up a hoof to pause my line of explanation. “Stop, stop... I understand your... meaning.”

I rub the back of my neck. “Yeah, so if you could... you know?”

Despite being alone, she still looks around, and whispers. “Come see me alone later tonight, okay?”

I pause at the phrasing of the request. “Uh, Rarity...”

Her eyes go wide realizing what she had said. “I mean... uhm...” She stammers for a sec. “I’ll make you some, just...”

I decide to end this now before things get worse. “Yeah, I know, I’ll drop by later.”

Then came the disaster in the form of a little white filly. “Hi Rarity! Hi Anthony! Hey sis, why’s your face all red?”

Nope, red alert, eject, abort mission, evacuate, run! “ThanksfortheclothesRarityI’llseeyoulater!” I grab my old clothes and Spark up, dashing through the door and outside as fast as I can. I can hear a faint sound like thunder behind me.

Well, that was a lot more awkward than I expected it to be. I feel bad for leaving Rarity to explain by herself but I was not about to attempt to recover from that, I know when I’m going to screw up.

I stop by a shop window and look at my reflection. I really do look rather nice. I feel pretty darn fancy in fact. I’ll have to thank Rarity again tonight when I see her. That was certainly... interesting. Yeah, I’ll call it interesting. As I’m wandering around Ponyville, I see Spike walking along with a long roll of paper. I decide to chat, since we don’t talk much and I am trying to make friends here I suppose. “Heya Spike.”

“Hey Anthony, woah! Nice suit! Where’d ya get it?”

“Rarity made it for me.”

“I should have guessed, I mean...” he inhales and sighs, “isn’t she just fantastic?”

“I admit she’s good, but I’m not that big a fan of clothes to be honest.” Spike doesn’t seem to hear me, he’s just staring at nothing with a dumb grin on his face. Then I get it.

“Crushing pretty hard there, aren’t ya, dude?” I ask, smirking at him.

He shakes himself back to reality. He blushes, an impressive feat through dragon scales. “Huh? Oh... yeah, that obvious?”

“How could you possibly get more obvious than this?” I mimic the face he had while off in his daydream.

He sighs. “Yeah, I guess.” he perks up a moment later, and asks, “Hey, she likes you, doesn’t she?”

“Ehhhhhhhhhh... yes? Maybe? I honestly don’t know.” I shrug. “If you’re asking for help, I don’t know a dang thing about human girls, let alone mares.”

He chuckles. “Heh, think you’ll have about as much luck as I am?”

“Wait... you imply I’m going to try?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. I’m sorry, but the thought is just... no. Maybe if I ‘go native’ completely, but... no.

Spike shrugs. “Well, if you can’t go back home, why not?”

“Because they’re ponies! Seriously man, to me, a pony is a pony. I ain’t gonna even try that minefield.”

“Never?” he raises his eyebrow... well, eyebrow ridge, again. “Really?”

“No way, man. I’ve already accepted that I’m probably gonna be stuck here for good, but unless a chick has only one pair of legs, I ain’t trying anything.”

“Suit yourself.“

I nod “Man, it is soooo good to just chat with another guy, you know? Why are there so many mares anyway?”

Spike shrugs. “That’s just the way it is, I suppose.”

“So, what’s next on your slave-list?”

“It’s not a slave-list, I’m performing very important tasks for Twilight as her number one assistant!” Spike replies imperiously, as if Twilight’s desires mattered most.

“Sure, so what’s next?” I say, waving off his insistence.

He looks over the list. “Uuuhh... Pick up dry cleaning.” I grin, looking down at Spike while trying not to laugh. “This is just very, very bad timing, I swear!”

“Whatever man, I’m just saying, if you end up with a collar that says ‘Property of Twilight Sparkle’...” Spike groans. I’m having too much fun. “Or would you prefer it say ‘Property of Rarity’?”

He raises a claw and opens his mouth in protest... but shuts it quickly. “I’m not going to give you any more feed, man.”

“Alright, alright, I’m done.” I chuckle a bit more. “But in all honesty, I suppose I could ask Rarity what she thinks of you.”

He gives me a suspicious glance. “Really? You aren’t gonna pull anything, are you? If the next time I see her, she thinks I-”

“Calm down man, I don’t have anything to gain by doing anything like that.” I grin. “Yet.”

“Dude, you’re evil.” he says, giving me a disappointed look.

I laugh and reply. “No way, if I was evil, it’d be a lot easier to figure out what’s wrong with me.”

“I know what’s wrong with you, already.”

That catches me off-guard. “Oh? What is it?”

“Plenty.” he says, nodding seriously. “There’s plenty wrong with you.”

I laugh again. “You got me there, Spike. Anyway, I’ll leave you to your incredibly important list of incredibly important tasks.” I say, jokingly.

“Ha ha, very funny.”

I had a very important thing to attend to myself, for real. In all the confusion, I forgot about Cotton Cloudy. I don’t know why, but it just feels like... I couldn’t think of it until now. I’ve made up my mind that I’m not going to hurt her mom, but I need to know why she was so...

Wait. Rewind the tape. I was waiting for Thunder, she came home, I grab her, I black out, I wake up... in the... Changeling hive... captured...

No. No way. I Spark up, surprising the nearby ponies and rush to the house I was at before, rushing through other houses, phasing through every obstacle in my way. Eventually, I get up to the house. Not bothering to Power down, I knock on the door.

Thunder Bolt opens the door. Or is it Thunder Bolt? She’s startled and tries slamming the door, but I stop it with my foot. I’m not sure if it even hurts, but I don’t notice it if it does. I force open the door and step inside. “That’s not a very nice thing to do to people, especially ones like me.” I say angrily, focusing my sparkling glare on her. “I’m here to see Cotton Cloudy. I’m not going to take no for an answer, am I clear?” The mare nods, pointing me to a stairway. Red flag: She’s not even going to try to save her filly?

I walk up the stairs and Power down. I walk into the first room I see. No Cotton. I try the next door over, and I see Cotton, asleep in a little, filly-sized bed. She looks so peaceful, like an angel. She’s so adorable! Wait... Isn’t it a school day? I swear I saw some kids head to the schoolhouse earlier. She looks old enough to go to school. I know I didn’t like school, but a parent should still make their kid get a proper education. That’s two Red Flags.

I approach the filly, kneeling down by her bedside. I run my hand through her mane gently and her eyes flutter open. “Hey there, Cotton.” I whisper. “How are ya?”

She looks up at me and smiles. “Hi Anthony... I’m *yawn* kinda tired.”

I smile. “Heh, it’s a bit late in the day to be asleep, don’t you think?”

“Mommy said it’s okay, because I get so-” She cuts herself off with another large yawn. “So tired all the time and my head hurts sometimes.” I remember what Twilight’s notes said about Changelings. The process is painful and draining for the victim. Red Flag three. That’s it. “Okay, well then you rest. And don’t worry about a thing.” I decide to throw in a bit more Shakespeare for the hell of it, taking a specific liberty of course. “Good night sweet princess, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." She giggles quietly, and closes her eyes, drifting off to sleep once again.

I walk downstairs and I approach the mare. “Come with me, ma’am. We’re going for a little walk.” She doesn’t have time to make any noises before a glittering black cloud encompasses her.

I draw a bit of a crowd as I walk. It’s probably because I have a grown mare slung over my back, holding her by her hind legs and a coal band clamping her mouth shut. I don’t care, because as far as I’m concerned, a filly could be missing her mother and being abused. If this mare really is Thunder Bolt, I will apologize. If it’s a Changeling...

I come to the library, and walk in. I drop the mare on the table in the middle of the room. Twilight isn’t around, so I sit and wait, watching the mare to make sure she doesn’t try anything stupid. I don’t have to wait long, as the door opens and Twilight walks in. “Hello Twilight.” I begin calmly. “There is a very serious matter I need help with.”

She stares at the muzzled mare on the table, then to me, panic in her eyes. “Anthony...” I can tell she’s about to yell, so I clamp my hand over her mouth. “Mmmmmph!”

“Listen Twilight, I need you to calm down and listen to me. This is very important, and Ponyville may be in trouble.”

I see her eyes soften, so I let go of her mouth. Her first words are sharp, but a good choice. “What is going on here?”

“Well, I made friends with this filly I saved, and a while ago she showed signs of parental negligence.”

“So you tied up her mom?”

“I’m getting to that. I read in your notes quite a lot of information about Changelings and while I know I’m not the world’s greatest detective, I have evidence to support my theory that this mare right here is a Changeling imposter who has been feeding off of a filly’s love for her mother.”

Twilight has a serious look on her face. “This is very serious, I suppose this should be settled as soon as possible.” She walks up to the table and her horn glows with magic. She fires a beam at the mare, and confirms my suspicions, as a wave of green flames wash over the mare, white fur being replaced by dark chitin. Twilight gasps, backing up in fear, shivering. “Ch- Changelings! No!”

I pick the Changeling up off the table by the head and smash it against the library floor over and over, screaming with rage. All I can think of is bashing this parasite’s brains in. I keep on slamming it until all I’m holding is a cracked carapace covered in blue-green blood. I realize that the entire time I wasn’t even breathing. I take a deep breath as I drop the limp insectoid creature. Twilight stares at me like I grew a second head... or as if I just committed a brutal homicide. “Geez Anthony, I know you said you’re an anti-hero and want to protect ponies in trouble but... that was...”

“Don’t... talk about it, alright? I’ll explain everything later. Right now, I need to know what changelings do with ponies they’ve replaced.”

“Well, to be honest, I’ve only experienced it once, and it was the queen. I don’t know what a normal Changeling would do...” She replies tentatively, shifting on her hooves in a nervous... prance? I don’t know pony terminology.

“We have to find this mare, Twilight.”

Given that we had no other leads, Twilight and I had decided to try Cotton’s house and check the basement or a closet or something. Sure it’s stupid, but it’s better than sitting in the library doing nothing and leaving a filly to the Changelings. I’m about to run off, but Twilight stops me.

“Wait, shouldn’t we get some backup, at least?”

“What? Every moment we waste something bad could happen to Cotton! I can handle some Changelings by myself!”

“I saw you handle one Changeling that was tied up.” I wanted to protest and tell her I took on a quarter of a hive but that would require explaining and a story I did not have time to tell.

“Look, Twilight, you can either help me or not, I don’t care. I’m going now!” With that, I Spark up and rush to Cotton’s house once more. As I run, I curse the distance. Despite my blurring speed, with a metaphorical clock ticking, each step feels like it takes five minutes, rather than a split second.

I feel angry. Angry at these Changelings and what they’ve done and might do, angry at Chrysalis for her lies and deceit, angry at myself for being so damn blind.

After a full minute of eternity, I see the house. I don’t bother with stopping to open the door, so I just phase through it. I’m about to rush up the stairs when I hear something from a room to the right. Still powered up, I run into the room and see a couch, a few chairs, a short table. It’s a living room, but no Changelings... Suddenly I hear a hiss behind me. I whirl around, but before I can act, I’m knocked into the living room and twenty or so Changelings appear out of absolute nowhere! I get up only to get knocked down again. Now I’m angry... but I don’t have any coal, and I can’t use fire powers without risking burning down the house. Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give up. I punch the nearest Changeling, and do the same with another. I feel fangs dig into my side. I wince in pain as I grab the Changeling’s head and throw it into the wall. More fangs, this time in my shoulder. These spaces are too tight, I don’t have time to focus on only one target at a time!

I continue my struggle, and eventually I start to win, then I feel a pain in my back, like I’ve been burned. They have horns, of course they have magic. I turn to strike at the Changeling behind me, but I’m caught off-guard by two more magic blasts. I start to feel dizzy, and I fall to the floor. The Changelings dogpile on me, biting and kicking and punching. I can’t fight back, and a weird, cool feeling on the back of my skull warns me of them trying to knock me out.

No... not like this. It can’t end... like this...

Suddenly, there’s a bright light and the Changelings are blasted off of me. What?

“I told you, you can’t handle the Changelings!” Twilight! Oh I have never been so happy to see her. I scramble to my feet and continue my assault. Now that I have backup it’s so much easier. I watch as Twilight casts all sorts of spells, each one having a different effect, but all of them used with precision and power. Twilight really is quite talented.

No time to think about that! I start throwing punches at anything vaguely insectoid, but somehow, they just keep coming. With all the damage I’ve suffered, I realize that the outfit Rarity made for me is in tatters, blood showing through my undershirt where I’ve been bitten. Another magic attack from the left! I see it coming this time and defuse it, but it leaves me open to a charge attack. My large body is a huge disadvantage here. Oh, why didn’t I get the power to shrink?

Another Changeling tries to rush me, but this time, I see it and go intangible. I watch as my attacker flies right through me... and into Twilight! Seeing their chance, all the Changelings pile onto her in a frenzy like they did to me earlier. But now they’re all distracted. I pray Twilight can hold on as I grab a standing lamp and break it in half over my knee. It hurts like hell, but now that I have a weapon I can do something. I pull Changeling after Changeling off of Twilight and beat them all senseless. I can hear her cries of pain, screaming for help. Angered, I point the broken end of the lamp pole at some of the Changelings, and run them through, using the sharp edge to skewer their heads to the wall. I grab one more Changeling, and tear off a piece of its armor. I hear it squeal as I then stomp on it’s unarmored back. I then use the slab of chitin to beat the rest of the Changelings, and Twilight gets up, and casts one more spell, taking out one while I’m left with the last two. They both lunge at me with bared fangs. Thinking fast, I shove the piece of chitin into the mouth of the nearest, wedging it’s jaw open. Then I grab the second by the mouth and pull it’s jaws apart. I hear it shriek in pain as I tear off it’s lower jaw. It collapses to the ground, bleeding from it’s now useless mouth. Unfortunately, the first Changeling has stopped trying to bite me and I see it’s horn glow green and fire at me once more, knocking me to the ground. Twilight blasts it twice, and we’ve won. I can’t even stand, I’m too beaten and hurt. My wounds burn and my fists and joints ache. I can tell Twilight is exhausted as well, but she uses one more spell.

We’re back at the library, in Twilight’s room. I lean on her as she helps carry me to her bed. I lay down, the adrenaline still pumping through me. I still feel pretty dizzy from that last magic blast. It could also be blood loss. Then, Twilight speaks.

“You... you were incredible back there. Thanks for... saving my life.”

“Thanks for saving mine.” I say in return, my gratefulness fully sincere.

“I couldn’t just let you die. I had to do something.” She moves onto the bed to rest next to me.

“And did you ever.” I say, a bit out of breath but recovering fast. “I must admit, I didn’t expect that kind of power from you.”

Twilight grins, a flash of accomplishment crossing her face.. “I’m... I’m just glad you’re safe.”

I give a small smile and scratch her behind the ear. Then she does something that I never would ever imagine, she kisses me. I pull away.

“Twilight, what the hell?” She shushes me and kisses me again. I must admit, it feels nice. I’ve never kissed a girl before. It... it’s not so bad. But something feels weird, but then, I’m kissing someone with a muzzle rather than a normal human nose. But in truth, I don’t mind. I lean into the kiss. As strange as it is kissing a pony, let alone Twilight, I feel like I’ve earned this.

Eventually she pulls away, and we just look at each other. I feel... happy. I hold her and we just share this moment together. Everything feels so... right. She rubs her cheek against mine, and I stroke her mane.

She looks me in the eyes, and I just stare at hers. Soft pools of green that feel so... comforting.

“You really were amazing back there.” She whispers. “Like a brave knight, or a powerful king...”

Something clicks against something else in my head, a series of little clues piecing together in a Rube-Goldberg-esque series of little inspiration flashes falling together. Green eyes, green magic, and now a reference to kinghood?

I push Twilight off of me and she hits her head against the wall, her disguise ruined and burning away in a blaze of emerald fire. I seethe with fury as I watch the library fade into Chrysalis’ chamber in the Changeling hive. “You unbelievable bitch!!” I stand up, realizing I’m not hurt. I feel perfectly fine! “You were going to feed on me! You were going to turn me into a mindless zombie!”

She tries to back up, forgetting she was thrown against a wall, her eyes wide and terrified. “A- Anthony, I-”

“You manipulate me, trick me, confuse me, and now you try and make me into a candy bar!?” I scream with rage as I Spark up and Ignite. I set fire to Chrysalis’ bed in passing, flames heating up past red to yellow and on to white. I continue my angry rant, fury turning as incandescent as my flames. Words are the only thing keeping me from going nuts with violence... but the only words that come to mind are just repetitions, inciting me further. “Mess with my emotions?! Try and twist my heart?! Turn me into a fucking puppet!?”

I rush forward, and kick Chrysalis in her midsection as she tries to turn away from me. I grab her horn “I’ve. Had. Enough.”

I do what I did with Luna and charge flames through my fist and into her twisted, gnarled horn, kicking her once more. I see her mouth open in a scream, but I’m so angry I don’t hear anything but my own thundering heartbeat hammering in my ears.

“Now reap what you’ve sown, you psychotic fuckwit!” I grasp her horn in both hands and send as much heat through them as I can. In a few moments, I let go. She feebly stumbles, trying to catch her balance, but in doing so, disturbs her horribly damaged horn, and I watch as it crumples into a pile of ashes on the floor, leaving her with nothing but a charred nub. I push her back over onto the ground. She’s beginning to hyperventilate, a tiny, cold part of me notes with satisfaction.

I stand over her, rage burning in my chest. I feel so used, and so abused. Played for a fool. That tiny, cold voice in the back of my mind tells me to just kill her and be done with it, leave the mindless Changelings to die off for good.

I should do what’s right and give her a second chance, I should be a good person and not kill her where she lays. I should be a savior and try and convince her to give up her evil ways. All of those arguments pass through the last surviving part of my mind not wreathed in fury, but they’re dismissed without further consideration.

I am none of those things. Extinguishing my flames, I grow until my head almost hits the vaulted roof of her chamber, and stomp her like the pathetic, useless disgusting bug she is. A final-sounding ‘crunch-splat’ noise echoes throughout the chamber. I walk down off the balcony and into the main room. I expect a flood of Changelings to come out and kill me where I stand, in an instinctual charge to avenge their queen... but none come. I hear a struggling noise. Powering up, I rush over to the sound, and I see a large, green cocoon. It’s shaking slightly and I can hear noises from inside. I punch through it’s outer membrane and tear it open. Out falls a barely conscious Twilight. The real Twilight.

Seeing her, I think back to the last mind game Chrysalis tried to play with me. It messes with my head so badly. I’m tired.

“Twilight?” My hands are trembling. Weird.

“Mmph...” she blearily looks around, and I recall how disoriented I was coming out of my pod not too long ago. “Huh?”

Speaking slowly, I ask, “Can you get us home?”

“I th- think so.” she looks around, still dazed, and blinks twice slowly.

I pause for a second. “Not the library.”

“O- okay...”

In a flash of correctly-colored magic, a nice pale purple-pink, we’re back in Ponyville, by the Town Hall. I pick up the collapsed Twilight and take her to the hospital. Once I’ve made sure she’ll be taken care of, I head off to Cotton’s house, and I see the living room in a wreck, but not nearly as bad as I recall. The lamp is still intact, so the illusion must have been cast some time before that. It’s not important. Cotton is. Just to make sure, I walk into her room and I see Thunder Cloud sitting there. When she sees me she goes wide-eyed and holds her hooves around her sleeping child. She’s the real deal, thank goodness.

“Is...” I gulp, my throat oddly dry, “is she safe?”

Mollified by my words, Thunder Cloud simply nods. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I thank the mare and leave he to her child. They’re both safe and that’s all that matters.

My current business in Ponyville done, I walk to the edge of the Everfree forest. I just sit and think. About Twilight and about what Chrysalis wanted me to see. I sigh heavily. I have experience, I know what love feels like. I know for sure that I don’t feel anything like that for Twilight at all, but... why did Chrysalis choose her? Was she the most convenient choice, or...

I shake my head. It doesn’t matter. Chrysalis is gone now, and things are back to normal. I’m going to stay in Ponyville... with my friends.

I grin as I come up with a great idea for a prank. I Spark up and charge off to get some supplies. Rainbow Dash won’t know what hit her!

Chapter 16

I sit down in the library and grab a book I was reading off the table. Odd, I’m pretty sure I left it by the chair... strange. Oh well, Spike may have moved it when he was cleaning. I turn the page and a bat flies out of the book hitting me right in the face!

“Holy crap!” I watch the bat leap into the air and then flutter to the ground, unmoving. I look closer... it’s just a piece of paper with a drawing of a bat on it! I hear a laugh from outside the library window.

“Hah, gotcha, Anthony!”

I chuckle at the prank’s success . “Good one Dash, but don’t think you’ve won.”

Faking a gasp of horror, she flies off into the sky. I chase her outside, and I hear a *click* at my feet.

Huh? I now have pie in my face. I hear Pinkie giggling from behind a tree. “You have not won either Pink- ooooh, banana cream.” I say, licking the pie off my face as far as my tongue can reach.

Pinkie replies with a quick “You’re welcome!” and runs off.

For the past two months, Pinkie, Rainbow, and I have been participating in a three-way prank war. It started when Pinkie and I poured grape juice all over Rainbow Dash’s cloud house. Even though Pinkie didn’t get the “Purple rain” joke, it was still hilarious. Because of that, sometimes one of us works with another to set up a big prank for the third.

We are certainly enjoying ourselves, but unfortunately, there have been some misfires and unintended victims. Occasionally, a prank is set up, but it has a malfunction or is accidentally triggered by a random pony, leading to someone other than the intended target being affected. In other words, we screw up and hit innocent bystanders.

It’s all in good fun, but there are still times when one is not in the mood to be pranked, especially if they are not part of the war. This has led to us getting in a lot of trouble. Last week, Mrs. Cake came home before Pinkie did and ended up with a bucket of porridge on her head. Boy, she was soooo mad, I had to avoid her for the next two days.

I had the perfect idea to get Rainbow Dash back, but I needed some help. I checked my list of ingredients.

First, I need some hydrogen peroxide. Luckily, I know where I can get it. I head to the Ponyville dental clinic and ask for some. The mare hands me a medium sized bottle. “Here’s your mouthwash, sir.” I grin. Mouthwash, sure, hehehehehe.

Next, I need some yeast. I head over to Sugarcube Corner to see Pinkie Pie. I walk in the door.

“Heya Mrs. Cake. I’m here to see Pinkie about something.” Cup gives me a suspicious glance. I raise my arms in surrender. “I come in peace, I swear.”

She sighs and gestures for me to go up the stairs. I open Pinkie’s door.

“Heya Pinkie.”

“Anthony!?” She shoves something behind her back and I give her a grin at the idea of catching Pinkie in the middle of setting up her next trick. “Er, I mean, hi!”

“So Pinkie, wanna help me with something I have planned for Rainbow?”

“Sure! What are we gonna get Dashie with this time?” I kneel down and whisper my plan to her. “Oooooooooooooh, I can’t wait!”

“Great, now I’m gonna need some yeast and warm water.” I say, looking over my mental ingredients list.

Pinkie straightens up and gives me a salute, grinning like a maniac “Okie Dokie Lokie! I’ll be right back!”

In a few minutes we’re positioned under Rainbow’s house, and we have a bottle rocket ready.

“Now Pinkie, remember, we have to set the rocket off immediately after we mix the ingredients into this chamber here, got it?”

“Yep! We send this rocket straight up into Dashie’s cloud and then it fills her house with goo!”

“Alright, let’s do it.” I pour in the yeast mixture and give it a moment to settle. This is very delicate and requires precision, which is why I’m doing it. Thumbs are awesome.

I squeeze in some dish soap and use a thin stick of coal to mix it all together. Now it gets tricky.

“Alright Pinkie, safety goggles on.” We strap on our protective eyewear and I take a cup and a half of the Hydrogen Peroxide. I pour it in quickly and Spark up, using my fire powers to start the fuse.

The rocket launches into the air, but a sudden gust of wind throws the rocket off course. Uh oh. It’s heading right for Golden Oaks. Twilight steps outside and I see the rocket land at her feet.

“Twilight, run!” She looks up.

“Wha-” *FOOOMF!*

The mixture in the rocket goes off, spewing out enough sticky goop to fill an entire house. Twilight is no longer visible, trapped in the mass of textureless white foam.

Pinkie pats me on the back. “Wow, I uh... I just remembered I need to be somewhere. Bye!” I watch Pinkie run off at a full gallop. Great.

“Anthony! What in Equestria is this stuff!?” Twilight continues yelling as she struggles to get out of the thick compound.

Twilight comes downstairs, having finally gotten all of the gunk out of her coat, mane, and tail. She gives me the evil eye every chance she gets. "Spike. Take... a letter.” I’ve seen Twilight angry, but I’ve never seen her develop a nervous tick because of it.

Cautiously, Spike comes up to Twilight, armed with quill and parchment. Even he’s scared. Twilight begins her dictation.

“Dear Princess Celestia.

I'm going to kill Anthony if you don't get him out of my reach.
Your faithful and infuriated student,

Twilight Sparkle."

“Would saying sorry for the hundred and eighteenth time help?” I ask hopefully.

Twilight glares at me, eyes burning with silent fury. “Not in the slightest.”

Oh well, guess I’m going to be spending the next week or so in Canterlot...

Twenty minutes and a teleport later, I’m walking around the Castle Town portion of Canterlot. The place is a bit new to me, or rather, I’m a bit new to the town. As such, I get my usual surprised glances, shut doors and the like. I decide to check out what kind of stuff goes on around a posh place like this.

I walk along seeing fancy shop after fancy shop. This place is practically built on consumerism. It’s more than a little irritating. Surely these high-class ponies have more entertainment than shopping. Ah who am I kidding? I don’t belong here, I’m far too... rustic, I suppose.

I turn a corner and the first building I see I have to give a double take. It looks like... A dance club? And not like some schmancy ballroom, this place is for parties. Oh thank Nayru, I have hope for this town yet. I approach the door, but it says it’s closed until much later in the afternoon, practically night. Ah, one of those kind of clubs. Perfect. I make a mental note of how to get back here for later.

Even after having checked about ten more blocks, I don’t see any more similar places of entertainment. I feel the urge to shake things up a bit, break the doldrums of this one-rave-town.
But what to do? Man, I miss Discord sometimes, but there’s still two and a half years until his detention is up. I sigh heavily.

I run out into the street and approach the first pony I see. I grab him by his... whatever horses have instead of shoulders.

“What do you bores do for fun all day!?” The stallion just freaks out and bolts, of course. I stay in the middle of the streets and raise my arms to the sky. “This place is so boring!!”

I’m approached by a guard. “Sir, I’m sorry you’re bored, but if you continue yelling like that, I’m going to have to charge you with noise pollution and disturbing the peace.” he looks at me apologetically, and a quick glance in the direction he came from reveals a few skittish ponies hiding behind a fancy cart, likely selling the street equivalent of hors d'oeuvres.

“Fiiiiine...” I just walk off and find a cafe where I sit down. Unsurprisingly, I’m not served as I don’t look like I’d have money. Or because I’m a freak. Hard to tell with these stuck up ponies. Suddenly I’m approached by a... pony? Shape is right, but it’s wearing so many facial and bodily-obscuring clothes I honestly can’t tell. I can at least tell it has a horn. Pink, but that doesn’t really help much.

“Hello there.” Well, definitely a feminine voice. And friendly-sounding, too, if a little cautious.

Not sure what else to say, I respond with, “Uh... hi?”

She chuckles. “Yes, I’m actually talking to you. You don’t seem very... accepted.”

I gesticulate frustratedly. “Yeah, and all the stuff around here is so expensive it’s crazy.”

“Let me buy you something.” she says, her magical aura lifting a small bag of Bits out.

“R- really?” This is a surprise. She’s... actually nice. “I mean, thanks. You’re the first pony here to even give me a chance.”

She chuckles, a nice sort of sound. “I don’t see why I shouldn’t.”

She goes inside the cafe and returns with a pair of... I’m not sure. It’s some kind of pastry, but I don’t quite have a name for it. Anyway, I take a bite. Not bad.

“So, I suppose I should introduce myself.” I say, remembering my manners and swallowing before talking. “I’m Anthony.”

Removing some of her facially-obscuring articles, she places her hoof in my hand and I shake it as she gives me one of the most sincere smiles I’ve seen from this city of self-serving pricks.

“My name is Cadence.” she says, nodding politely to me. I have to admit, this pony is nothing like the usual ponies around here. We just sit and talk, she always has a happy smile and seems to be enjoying my company just as much as I’m enjoying hers.

She does occasionally shift her eyes to the side, but I suppose a bit of paranoia isn’t bad. She’s so nice I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been mugged before, but the mugger gave back the money out of guilt. We continue our conversation, just sharing anecdotes. Of course, I refrain from mentioning my more intense experiences, but I still manage to make my life sound interesting.

I’m recounting one of the more humorous stories from the prank war, and in a fit of laughter she throws her head back and her hat falls off. Suddenly she gets a deer-in-the-headlights look, and then a guard runs over. “Oh drat.” She mutters. Moments later, guards in their gold-foil armor have us surrounded, and for a second I think I’m going to have to fight to protect the one good pony I’ve met in this stupid city.

Then, the guard with the most impressive hat steps forward, drops into a bow in front of Cadence. “Princess Cadenza, there you are! You know you shouldn’t wander away from your detachment!” The guard gives me a hard glare. “You never know what kind of strange things you’ll encounter.”

She looks rather sad, then sighs and begins to stand and follow them as the guards lead her towards the castle. “Well, uh, hope to see you later, Cadence!” I shout after her as she’s led away by her escort.

“Bye Anthony!” she says, frowning adorably. “I, uh... gotta go!”

Still, a princess huh? That was unexpected. Guess she gets just as bored with this place as I do and has to sneak out. I make a point of figuring out where I can meet Cadence again. Maybe Celestia or Luna would know, fellow princesses and all that.

So, since I’ve nothing better to do, I decide that I should at least see about this ‘Shopping’ thing these Canterlot ponies are so enthralled with.

I walk down to the biggest mall I can find and just walk in. I decide to at least get a laugh by going to some clothes shops and asking if they have anything in my size, as if they carried outfits for humans. Then I act shocked that they don’t have human clothes and call them racists. It got two confused looks, one scared, and three “I am not amused by your antics.” remarks. And one who tried to sell me a Minotauran polo shirt that actually would’ve been nice if I’d had the money, and been about four feet taller.

I notice a bookstore and decide to check out the older literature section. One book catches my eye and I wince. Travels in Wunderland, by Blueish Carol. There are a few more by the same author. The Collected Bestiary of Wunderland and Lookinglass Gates; a Brief Explanation of Portals.

I move on to another group in the same section, which is mislabeled as ‘nonfiction’. What I find is not much better. MacIntosh, Midsummer Night's Dreamwalking, Two Gentlecolts of Veroinka and Roam Orange and Applette.
And who are these written by? A stallion named Spear Shaker.

O Equestria, thy foolish wordplay doth infuriate my soul. How glorious t’would be if you could see thy humorless attempts at comedy for what they truly are, lest I would not wish a thousand perils to befall thy lands, and to gouge out mine eyes with a gardening rake.

I check out some of the books. Of course it’s pretty much the same, but there are some major differences that make them a lot lighter. For one, the Romeo and Juliet mockery has some alicorn of love come in and magically revive the couple after they’ve committed suicide. First of all, have you no guts? Let them die. Secondly, alicorn of love? This belongs in the children’s fiction section.

Hoping Blueish Carol fares better, I crack open Travels in Wunderland. Given what a strange fictitious place Wonderland was already, it’s not that bad, but there’s something bugging me. It’s not terribly different from Lewis’ book, and in a magical land like Equestria, this ‘Wunderland’ place doesn’t sound that far-fetched. I decide to buy it.

I head to the counter at the front and there’s an old pony at the register. I hand him the book. “Blueish Carol? Nopony’s had any interest in these books for ages... You are strange, sir, but you give me hope for a smarter generation.” I thank the stallion and leave.

I continue to a large toy store in the mall and I don’t believe what I see. This is like a children’s paradise! There are all kinds of toys and they’re just out in the open! No packaging, no glass walls, the toys are just out there for someone to pick up and play with! Then I notice that there are building blocks. Tons upon tons of building blocks. Interlocking wooden building blocks. Adorable stuffed animals of various colors, sizes, taxonomies, and functions. There’s a huge closet of any sort of costume and prop imaginable and a small stage with various backdrops. Hula hoops, frisbees, a complete arsenal of soft dart and water shooters in the shape of crossbows, a giant ball pit... There’s so much stuff here it’s incredible. I notice that the only ponies around here are just a bunch of fillies and colts. Not a single adult around to ‘monitor’ the fun. At least, none I can see.

I shed a single tear, for I have found the Promised Land.

I sit atop my beanbag chair throne, holding my plastic scepter and wearing a crown of the finest polished brass. I sit in front of my subjects, all stuffed with straw and cotton. My impenetrable fortress made of wooden blocks, is stronger than the hardest styrofoam, and I rule my land of all things plastic and made in china. Or whatever the Equestrian equivalent of China is. Whatever.

I watch as interlopers dare to take down my kingdom, and I pull out my mighty crossbow, my shots flying true, hitting all of my foes and I watch as they scream and writhe in pain...

Then, the foals get up and load their own dart guns with the ammunition I hit them with. We play like this until all the foals are taken home by their mothers. Doesn’t matter, I can still continue. Then the store lights begin to go out and a stallion approaches me.

“Sir, the mall is closing, I’m afraid you are going to have to leave before we lock up for the night.” The stallion has the bored, hassled voice of a minimum-wage drone.

“None can take down Castle Blockfort!” I point my cheap, wooden sword at his nose. “By my decree, thy shall be smitten!”

He heaves a sigh, asking again, “Sir, please, we need to lock up.”

“Brave knight Sir Fluffles, defend your kingdom from the oppressors!” I proceed to throw a stuffed cat at the stallion’s hooves, and he lets out another sigh.

“Your majesty must go home to sleep.” he says, placatingly. “Castle Blockfort will still be here when you get back.”

“Awwwwwww...” Party pooper...

Well, I’ve managed to wait out the day, and now I’ve returned to the dance club I found earlier. I don’t know what these ponies would consider heavier music but I suppose it can’t be too bad. I walk in, and I’m... surprised. First of all, I’m not kicked out for being weird. Second of all, it looks like a normal human setup for the interior. Large speakers, a dance floor with plenty of room, enough light to see but not so much that it’s very well-lit.

And the ponies. Oh man, those that are wearing clothes are definitely wearing what I’d consider ‘party-wear’, and plenty of them even have glowsticks! I’m getting really psyched up! I approach a random mare with a glowstick band around her neck.

“Hey, this is my first time here. Is the music good?”

“Oh you bet, this place is crazy! And tonight, they even have DJ-PON3 on, gonna be awesome!”

Okay, now I’m really excited. After a bit of waiting, it’s showtime. Some colored lights shine down on the turntable set. Out walks a white unicorn with some really neat shades and the craziest mane I’ve ever seen, and her cutie mark is a pair of bridged eighth notes.

Everything about this pony just screams ‘Party!’. When she reaches her turntables, the crowd just goes absolutely wild.

She holds up her hooves to calm down the crowd and leans into the mic. “Hello Canterlo~ot!”

Even though I’m from out of town, the energy radiated by the crowd pumps me up so much I cheer with them. She continues once the cheers die down.

“Yeah! We’re gonna have some fun tonight! Everypony got their glowsticks?”

I can’t help myself, I’m so pumped!

I shout at the top of my lungs. “I am the glowstick!!!” I strike a rocker pose and Spark up, bathing the nearby ponies in my glow.

DJ-PON3 looks out into the crowd at me, before responding just as loudly. “He is the glowstick!! Let’s get this party started!!”

The lights start flashing rapidly as the music comes on. It’s exactly like I expected, only a lot better. Still glowing, I just go absolutely crazy. I probably look like a moron with the way I’m dancing, but at the moment, I couldn’t care less. This is exactly what I’ve needed since I got to Equestria! I move my body along with the techno, interlaced with some of the heaviest bass lines I’ve heard. I feel like my body is just filled with energy as I feel the music pump through my body. The floor could be shaking for all I knew, it probably was, but I felt so in the zone that nothing could bring me down off of cloud nine.

I just keep dancing, feeling the heavy beat intersect the wavering electronic undertones, and I feel like a party animal. All the other ponies are the same. This DJ could lay down music like a master of sound. Not a single pony in the club was sitting down or even standing still. DJ-PON3 does some magic spell or whatever, and she walks away from the stage to join the partygoers.

Eventually, I can’t move anymore, and I’m completely all danced out. Then DJ-PON3 walks over to me, and with a ‘follow me’ gesture, she leads me through a door. It’s a back room of sorts, like a small lounge. You can still hear the music clearly, but it’s quiet enough to have a conversation. I sit down, letting out a breath.

“Man, that’s some great music.”

DJ-PON3 grins wide. “Thanks, new guy!” She reaches into a mini fridge and pulls out a bottle. She tosses one to me and, according to the label, it’s root beer. This day is just about perfect!

The DJ takes a long draught from the bottle and sets it down on a table next to her. Then, another pony walks in. A pristine, dark mane, and a light gray coat. She practically embodies what I’d imagine a ‘Canterlot’ pony to look like. She greets the DJ, which is weird, but I’m not one to judge weird things.

“Those were some pretty neat moves out there, new guy!” the DJ says, grinning like a madman, “I’ve never seen anypony dance like that before!”

“It helps to not have two left feet.” This gets a snicker out the gray mare, but not the DJ, who turns to her friend looking confused. “I don’t get it, what’s so funny, Tavi?”

“Never you mind, Vinyl.” She replies, covering her mouth as she chuckles, her voice much more refined and smooth. “So, you are certainly a new face around here. May I have your name?”

“Anthony.” I give a little bow and return my attention to the DJ. “That was some really really good music. You got serious skills, girl.”

“Hah, a fan already eh?” The DJ gets a cocky grin. “Well, I hate to toot my own horn...”

“Yet, she will anyway.” The gray mare finishes for her friend with a smile and a roll of her eyes.

“Tavi!” the unicorn shouts, blushing a bit.

‘Tavi’ simply continues smiling serenely. “It’s true.”

I grin at the exchange. “So, you’ve gotten my name, what’s your handle? Or do you live by your stage name?”

She finishes her root beer, and lets out a loud, long burp, to which the gray mare sighs at the terrible manners. Not that I’m much better though.

“Name’s Vinyl Scratch.” She takes off her shades, and wow she has some nice magenta eyes. “Guess by your reaction out there, you might be a regular?”

I crack another grin. “Hope so, this place is great!”

“Hah, that’s what I like to hear.” She offers a hoof and I give her a fist bump without even thinking it through. Huh, that actually works perfectly well.

“You already know what I like to hear.” We share a grin.

Vinyl sits down on an equipment case, drinking from a bottle I assume is more root beer, judging by the empty already on the floor. “You’re a pretty cool guy, Anthony. So what are you, anyway?”

“I’m a human.”

“Huh...” She turns to the gray mare, who shakes her head. Vinyl turns to me and shrugs.

“Sorry, I’m one of a kind. So who’s your friend?”

The gray mare stands up straight and gives what I assume is the pony equivalent of a curtsey. “My name is Octavia Philharmonica. I am the lead cellist for the Royal Canterlot Symphony.”

Hoo, big title. I gotta ask, though, “And what’s a classy mare like you doing down here in a rave house?”

“I’m here with Vinyl.” she says with a shrug. “I actually don’t mind the heavier form of aural entertainment, honestly. It’s not suited to every occasion, but... well, neither is any particular music.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I’m the princess of the turntables!” Vinyl replies.

“And apparently I’m fantastic as well, since you have not missed a single one of my recitals yet.” Octavia says, grinning.

“H- hey, I, uh, I...” The pale unicorn begins mumbling and blushing like crazy at the jab, shades resting back over her eyes.

I try and save my new DJ pal. “Hey, nothing wrong with having a bit of culture. All music can be just as entertaining, it all depends on who’s behind the instrument.”

Vinyl chuckles nervously. “Y-yeah, Anthony. Anyway, it’s getting pretty late and I gotta wrap this party up. Hope you come by another time, I’m back here next week, same time.”

“Sweet! If I’m in town, I’ll totally be here.”

“Glad to hear it, dude.” she waves as she heads back out the door, headphones going back into place. “Catch ya later!”

Octavia nods to me politely as well as I get ready to leave. “Goodbye Anthony, it was nice meeting you.”

Chapter 17

Once the club was finally closed, it was almost morning, so I decide to just head back to the castle. Getting inside is a lot easier now that Celestia decided to tell the guards that I could come and go as I please, unless told otherwise, that is.

Anyway, I make my way through the huge castle and get to my room generously granted to me by Celestia, which makes me rather suspicious... but the bed is comfy at least. I flop onto the bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. I’m worn out. But my mind is still running, thinking about what other things in Canterlot there was for me to enjoy. Well, actually, there was plenty I could do, but most of those ideas might end up with me being kicked out of Canterlot. And since Ponyville is out of the question, I honestly didn’t have anywhere else to go. I recall my first train ride to Canterlot, and the tickets that said ‘Appleoosa’. I wonder what kind of place that is. Eh, I can find out sometime later...

I’m back in Ponyville, specifically Sugarcube Corner. It’s sort of become my usual hangout aside from the library since I can get food and hang out with Pinkie. Speaking of, we had just won the prank war. Technically I won, but Pinkie decided to concede, because by this point, my pranks were getting a little crazy.

Rather than taking the victory all to myself, I figured I would share it with Pinkie. I think right now, Dash is still trying to scrub itching powder out of her coat. Pinkie raises a toast to us and our success, and we just hang out and chat, talking about the little adventures we’ve had that the other wasn’t aware of. Obviously, I stayed away from anything involving the Changelings, as I didn’t want to dampen the mood. And boy what a mood, it felt great just to sit and talk and enjoy Pinkie’s company. She’s the only person I’ve met aside from Discord who finds my kind of crazy entertaining rather than worrisome.

We’re finishing off another round of root beer floats when Luna walks in. It’s kinda strange, but I guess when you’re a princess, you don’t have to explain a lot of your actions. She’s looking around, like she’s studying the place. I guess she’s never been to Sugarcube Corner before. I decide to just say hi.

“Whassup, Luna? Grab a seat, have a soda!”

Luna looks a bit confused. “I’m... not sure I’m in the right place...”

Pinkie jumps up. “Well you are now! This is Sugarcube Corner, it doesn’t matter if you’re a princess or a party-pooper, we’ll make sure you have a great time!”

Luna was still looking around, now even more confused. “I’m sorry, I expected something... rather different, I suppose.”

I get up and wrap an arm around Luna. “Uh, the place looks like a giant gingerbread house. What in the world were you expecting?”

Pinkie thinks for a moment before brightening up. “Balloons? Music? Cake? Wait, we have cake already... uh...”

Luna interrupts. “Pardon me, but I would like to borrow Anthony for a while.” She leads me outside and I sit on the steps by the door.

“So Luna, what do you want with me?” I grin. “Aside from the obvious?”

“I assure you Anthony, that even in your dreams I do not harbor any attraction to you.”

I chuckle. “Fine, fine, I’ll drop it. So really, what do you want?”

“I wanted to see how your mind works. As I said... I’m not sure I’m in the right place. I assumed it would be a bit... darker here.”

“Nah, the weather ponies don’t have a storm planned until Wednesday.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Huh? I don’t get it.”

Luna thinks for a moment. “Anthony, how did you get to Ponyville?”

“On a train, duh!”

“And do you remember the train ride? Do you even remember leaving Canterlot?” That got me, because I didn’t.

“That’s odd... why wouldn’t I remember...”

“Because it didn’t happen, Anthony. You just brought yourself here to Ponyville. You’re asleep.”

“So... I’m dreaming?”

“That’s correct.”

“Well, this is the first time I’ve had a dream tell me I’m dreaming. Usually I figure that out on my own.”

“I am not part of your dream, Anthony. As princess of the night, I am also princess of dreams. I wanted to see what you were like under all of your humor and... rage.”

“So let me get this straight. You’re walking around in my mind, while I’m asleep?”

“Yes, that is correct. Though as I said earlier, I expected something... different.”

“Like what? A giant monster or something?”

“Well, that would make a bit more sense to me, given where I am. You aren’t the most stable or calm pony I’ve met. I expected your dreams to be... similar.”

“What, so just because my head is messed up, my subconscious should be as well?”

“Not necessarily, but that’s usually the case.” she shakes her head. “Either way... why’d you dream about Ponyville. Why not your home?”

I sigh, leaning back. “Luna, if there was any way for me to be sent back, I’m pretty sure you, your sister, or Twilight would have discovered it by now. As far as I’m concerned, this is my home now.”

“But, none of us have even tried looking for a way to send you back, yet.” she admits. “Perhaps Twilight has, but neither I nor my sister have had time to do any research into such a matter.”

“Really? Huh. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. I like this place better anyway. Sure I’m a freak of nature in Equestria, but at least it’s because I’m not a pony. When you’re an outcast by your own species... it’s different.”

“That, I understand.” she says. “For a while, I was an outcast as well. But that’s a story for another time.”

“It wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with Nightmare Moon, would it?”

She startles, looking at me with surprise and shock in her eyes. “What!? How do you know...”

“Twilight told me the story of how she met her friends, and she couldn’t exactly do that without mentioning Nightmare.”

“D- do you think that I...”

“No way. Come on, look at yourself. You’re not evil. If anyone around here was to become evil, I think my chances are a lot higher.” Suddenly my mind flashes back to the vision I had. I shudder.

I should get Luna out of here before things start to get dark. “Well, I appreciate your company, princess, but I think I’d like it if you left.”

“What?” She looks confused, and a touch hurt.

“If you want to talk, you don’t have to be in my dream, just... just ask me.”

“But why can’t we talk here?” she asks, not comprehending, “After all, we’ve been doing so thus far.”

“I... I just don’t want you here. Now that I realize this is a dream, I’d rather you left. My mind isn’t a nice place.”

Luna takes a cursory glance around. The sun is shining, just a few wispy puffs of cloud in the sky, there’s birds chirping... all that happy-feely garbage. “This doesn’t seem so bad to me.”

“Luna, please. I’m afraid I have to say that tonight it was just luck.” I say, trying not to think about the possibilities, lest it summon the less desirable ones. “You are right to think that, at times, my mind is a scary place.”

She pouts. “Don’t try to make yourself seem what you are not.” her tone edges on the ‘talking down’ spectrum. “I know I expected more danger here at first, but your mind is no darker than that of any other foal I’ve met while Dreamwalking.”

I sigh. I need to prove it. I don’t want to, but... “Alright Luna. You didn’t quite ask for this, but I warned you. You want to see every aspect of my subconscious?”

“It can’t possibly be that bad. Your bravado suggests otherwise, but I feel you are merely putting up a front.”

“Would you like to see another dream I’ve had?”

I close my eyes. If this is a dream, I can change our surroundings. I choose Ponyville. The way I remember it in the vision. The buildings crumbled. Dust coating everything in sight. Then... myself. Luna and I look down upon the me from the vision, laying in the dusty cracked dirt completely alone for the rest of my nigh-immortal life and the cause of it all. I end it there. We’re back in ‘normal’ Ponyville. I’m shuddering. I never want to do that ever again. “Luna... just... leave my dreams alone, okay? If you just want to talk, I’d much rather we do it while I’m awake.”

Luna nods somberly, looking at me with... pity. “Yes, I... suppose that is for the best. I will let you rest now.”

“Thanks.” I go back inside Sugarcube Corner. The sight of Pinkie at the table waiting for me, smiling... I feel better. I’m not going to be that person, I can’t be, now that I’ve stopped Chrysalis. I sit down with Pinkie and enjoy the rest of my dream.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I wish I had one in Ponyville. I should probably get one, but where would I put it? There’s not much room at the library, and I can’t just put it in Twi’s room. Maybe... maybe I could get my own house in Ponyville. That sounds like a nice idea, but where do I get that kind of money?

Eh, I’ll figure it out later. Agh, shit! My eyes are assaulted by a blinding light and I realize that my rather large windowed room has a perfect view of the sun at sunrise, and my bed positioned just so that said view aims the climbing sun directly into my eyes, robbing me of any chance of getting back to sleep. Now I get why Celestia set me up in this room.

Groggily I pull my street clothes on, picking them up off the floor where I tossed them last night. I walk out into the hallway connected to my room and down a staircase comes Celestia. She looks all prim and perfect as usual, but she definitely still looks tired. Awake, alert, but tired.

‘Morning’ she says, and ‘Morning’ I reply.

Not much of a conversationalist in the early morning either. A pony dressed up in serving clothes comes up to us and seats us at a table across from each other.

A different server pony brings out some drinks for us, a mug in front of me and a teacup in front of Celly. I look down at the mug and can tell by the unappetizing smell that it’s coffee. Ugh. Celestia looks at me and I look at her, exchanging a glance of... something. Too early to think. Wordlessly we reach for each-other’s cup and drink from it, the tea warming me up inside, Celly downing the mug of dark coffee in a few gulps.

As if on cue, we both ask each other at the same time. “How do you drink that swill first thing in the morning?”

This leads to another half-awake exchange of stares and a shared shrug. “Tea is better than coffee.” I explain simply.

“I can’t stand it.”

“Then why do they bring it? Can’t you tell them not to?”

“Oh, but I’m a princess, of course I like tea, don’t be silly.” comes the mocking reply, Celly finally showing hints of sarcasm and various other ‘unfashionable tendencies’. Guess it’s true you don’t know someone until you spend an early morning with them.

I take the teapot and refill my cup as Celestia does the same with her coffee.

Then comes the food. Platters and platters of everything from hash browns to waffles. I grab a muffin and Celestia just grabs the plate of pancakes and starts on it immediately.

“I didn’t expect a princess to eat like a dumpster.” I comment, eyebrow raised as she devours the pancakes, finishes off a plate of waffles, and starts in on the salad bowl of fruit salad.

She pauses for a moment to reply. “I’ll have you know raising the sun is very hard work and doing it everyday requires a lot of energy to burn.” Then, she polishes off the fruit salad and starts in on the gallon of oatmeal.

I shrug. “Whatever excuse you need to think you aren’t gonna end up fat...”

“It has taken a full millenia of near inactivity and overeating to become eleven pounds overweight. I think I will be perfectly fine, Anthony.” her response is a bit more harshly toned than I expected. I must’ve hit harder with that comment than I’d expected to.

“Okay, geez, just warning you. Most people don’t eat like a horse every day.” I pause, realizing how accurate that statement is now.

She gives me a look of ‘Really?’ from across the table, and goes back to finishing off a thirty-egg omelette.

“So, say you didn’t have to expend all this magical energy. How long until you’re so fat your legs don’t touch the ground?” I ask, recalling the time the exact thing happened to Garfield. “Rough estimate.”

“Several more millennia.” she says, unamusedly, working on another plate of pancakes. These are slathered in syrup and butter this time, and jam to boot.

I sigh at the voracious spectacle. “And here I am capable of sustaining myself on a muffin. Must cost a lot when you eat out.”

“Being a local Ruler has its privileges.” she replies, to which I have to concede the point.

“So speaking of being a ruler, I get that here in ponyland, a princess isn’t just a booby-prize position and a token damsel... so what do you do all day?”

She takes a napkin and wipes her mouth clean, back to being reposed. “Most days of the week, I settle policy disputes, oversee requests for various projects, settle account books, do some accounting, and sign off on petitions that have garnered enough support and are a good idea. Four days a week, I preside over Day Court, and settle disputes between individuals, and resolve complaints brought forth by the common pony.” the explanation is a little dry, but seems... well, busy.

I just stare at her. “You move the damn sun and you’re a politician? Jeez your job sucks.”

“Would you rather have somepony with with a hundred-year vision taking control and running equestria into the ground? As wonderful as my subjects are, it has been proven far too often that a vicious, but charismatic pony can lead many to a much darker fate.”

I roll my eyes “Still... you don’t go out and do anything? When do you get days off? Every month or so?”

“Oh, if I can get enough things cleared off early, and no emergencies or false alarms crop up, I have a chance to take a day off...” she thinks for a moment, going over the calculations in her head. “Every ten to thirty moons.”

“Shit girl, you need a vacation.” I say, thinking it over myself. Thirty moons, if that means months, is just a bit less than three years. “You’re in charge, right? Just say ‘I’m the fucking sun goddess and I want a break!” or something.”

“I cannot abandon my ponies for my own pleasure, Anthony. I bear the responsibility for leading them, and I will not let them down in that regard.” she says, slowly standing. “Now, I must attend my morning duties... there has been the eleventh request to tear down Canterlot’s lower district in order to build a grand swimming pool, and I need to veto it before the chance expires.” she says, and I see a glimpse of the tired Celestia again.

“Well have fun with that, Jellyfish.” I say, cracking a joke about her political position.

She gives me a narrow-eyed look, and my smile falters a touch. Then, she simply leaves, with no further snipes or comments.

“Fine, can’t take a joke, I get it.” I huff, “Seeya later, then.”

I think back to the other day, when I met Cadence. Princess Cadence. That really is a surprise. She’s hardly like Celestia or Luna, and she’s not a bad mare either. I wonder what her story is. I’d like to meet her again. I walk out into the hall and approach a guard.

“Hey, do you know where I could find Cadence?” I ask him.

He looks at a clock across the hall. “I believe she may still be asleep.”

I fold my arms across my chest. “Humor me, buckethead.”

With a sigh and rolled eyes, the guard leads me down a few hallways. After a while, I feel like we must be on the other side of the castle. The guard stops at a door and speaks. “This room belongs to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. If you have any more questions, ask somepony else.”

“Well fine, see ya later, Mr. Friendly.” He walks off, going back to his post. Mi Amore Cadenza? Yech, no wonder she told me her name was Cadence. I’m about to knock on the door, but I think about the time... if she’s asleep, I wouldn’t want to be rude. I give the door a gentle tap. No response. I try a little harder, this time I get a reply from the other side. “Who is it?”

I grin “Doris.”

She’s obviously confused. “Doris? Doris who?”

“Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking.”

I hear her laughing and she opens the door. “Anthony! Hehee~, that was funny!” Oh, wow, she just tittered.

“And people say knock knock jokes are dead. Anyway, I didn’t have anything better to do, so I figured I’d come see you.”

“Awww, thanks! Here, come in.” She opens the door wider to let me in. Her room is actually rather small, the main difference from mine is the double bed and a private bathroom.

“Not a big fan of being a princess, I take it?”

“Oh, I’m fine being a princess, I just... I’m not as concerned with formalities and such around friends.”

“I can tell, Mi Amore Cadenza.” I say, using her full name to guage her reaction.

She winces at the name. “Ugh, please don’t tell me you’re going to be calling me that?”

“Only if I want to annoy you.” I say, acknowledging her hatred of the name.

“Thanks, I think. So, anyway, what are you?” she asks quizzically, then continues quickly to forestall my next comment, which she apparently anticipated. “I mean I know you’re a human, but where’d you come from?”

I wrap my arm around Cadence and give her a smile. “Well, you see Cadence, my mommy and daddy liked each other very much, and-”

She giggles. “Not like that. I mean, what exactly is a human?”

“Well, in all honesty, it depends on who you ask. There are lots of theories.”

“Oh really? Like what?”

“Well, some people believe humans were created in the image of a higher being or by magic. Some say we evolved from apes. Then there are those that think we’re the result of a monkey and a pig doing the Horizontal Tango.”

“Horizontal... oh. Oh.” A blush spreads across her face accompanied by a dirty grin and giggle. I take it she’s never heard that euphemism before. She continues. “And which one do you believe?”

“I honestly don’t care. I’m here and that’s all that matters. Though the idea of a pig screwing a monkey is hilarious.”

She shakes her head. “Heh, you really are quite something, Anthony.”

“Aw, thanks!” I give her a hug. Wow these ponies are soft. And her wings are very fluffy. Then the door opens.

“Good morning Cad- What!?” Suddenly I’m being tackled to the floor. “Cadence, run, I’ll take care of the monster!” I see my attacker is a white unicorn stallion, I can also see that he’s really angry.

“But, Shining-” Cadence’s voice is full of exasperation, and the unicorn on me has a look of almost comical devotion to the moment.

“I’ll handle this, go!”

Cadence’s face screws up into a look I’d expect from my mom, and the next comment confirms to voice, though not quite as I’d expected. “Shining Armor, you get off of him this instant!”

He backs off and looks down. “Yes, dear.”

Cadence sighs, a hoof on her forehead below her horn. “Well, that wasn’t quite how I wanted the introduction to go, but I guess it’ll have to do.” She uses her magic to pull me to my feet. “Shining, this is Anthony. I met him two days ago. He’s very nice.” The stallion shoots us a sheepish, apologetic look. “Anthony, this is my husband, Shining Armor.”

“You certainly know how to make an entrance, Mr. Armor. Not to mention an impact.” I snark my greeting. My ribs twinge angrily.

“I’m sorry, I just... I thought you were attacking her...”

“No way, she’s actually nice to me.” I walk a bit closer to Shining, eye narrowing. “And for your safety, I’d suggest you don’t do that again.”

“My safety? I’m captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard, and a Grandmaster Barrier Adept. I’m the best of the best.” He puffs out his chest in a way not dissimilar to Spike mentioning he’s Twi’s assistant.

“Oh yeah? Ask Celestia. Unless I’m mistaken, I’ve held the record for best performance on your little training regiment since four months ago.”

This got a surprised “What!?” from both of them.

“Yeah, your little entrance exam was pretty lame.” I say, striking a pose of casual indifference to drive the comment home.

“You think so, huh? How about a little friendly competition?” Shining challenges, a smirk to match mine.

“Sure. Out by the gardens behind the castle.” I turn to Cadence. “What do you think? Sound good?”

The princess rolls her eyes and shakes her head, evidently used to this kind of competitive spirit. “As long as neither of you get hurt badly, I suppose you can settle your little testosterone competition.”

Shining Armor and I are now staring at each other from across the field. Cadence has a whistle, and she’ll decide when the match starts and stops.

“You know, you can still back out, Anthony.” he says, raising his voice only a little to carry it across the field. “I’m not going to go easy on you.”

“Now? Heck no, I’m not gonna run from a challenge.” I say, already sure of my victory.

“I warned you.”

The whistle blows and I Spark up, giving Shining and Cadence quite a surprise.

“Bring it on, four-legs.” I call out, doing the kung-fu-movie ‘come at me’ stance for effect. Let’s see what ya got.”

Shining charges at me, and I do the same. At first, all we’re doing is butting heads. I don’t have as much forward push, but I’m more resourceful. I use my right hand to push on Shining’s side, making him fall over. Arms rock. Speaking of...

I rush at my opponent, and attempt a punch, but he’s put up a magical barrier. I keep punching it, but I can’t break it. Shining smirks. “That the best you have?”

“Not even close.” I speed up, throwing a flurry of punches, impacting the barrier. I can see Shining begin to sweat. Eventually I break the barrier, and Shining backs up. “Woah, you’re good!”

I’m pretty winded from the effort it took to break through that shield. Not sure I could do it again. Still, I respond with “You haven’t seen anything yet!” Igniting, I surround my arms in flames. It’s mainly to impress him though, I’m not going to burn him. This is just a friendly competition after all. Nevertheless, Armor puts up another bubble shield, this time around me.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Shining smirks as I try and punch the shield. Wait... The shield is solid! I turn off my flames and just stare at Shining. “You think you’ve beat me?”

“Try and get out, if you think you can still win.” I grin and go intangible, and simply walk out of the pink bubble, making Shining Armor gasp. He tries an offensive spell, but it’s not fast enough and I cancel it before it hits me. Now he’s really freaked out. I rush up to him. He tries another shield around himself, but I just walk through it like before, push Shining onto his side, and sit down on top of him. He can’t get the leverage to throw me off, and he’s accepted that magic doesn’t work. With a frustrated sigh, he taps the ground twice with his hoof and Cadence blows the whistle. I get off Armor and help him up before Powering down.

Cadence walks over, looking me over appraisingly. “Wow, you certainly are something else, Anthony.”

I shrug. “Eh, they’re just powers. If I couldn’t use them and Shining Armor didn’t have magic, I’m not sure I’d still win.” I turn to Shining and hold out my hand. “That was fun. You were pretty good.” He shakes my hand with a hoof and nods his thanks.

“You are good at magic though.” I say. “Kinda reminds me of Twilight...”

Shining Armor raises an eyebrow. “Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yeah, you know her?” I ask.

The couple shares a laugh. “She’s my little sister, and Cadence is her old foalsitter. How’d you meet her?”

“She was the first pony I met when I came to Equestria.” I decide to recount my adventures, and after a while, Shining is called to... do something. So Cadence and I just sit and talk like before at the cafe. After telling my stories to so many ponies, I sort of want to tell them about my experience with the Changelings... but I’d rather only have to tell it once, so I guess I’ll wait until I have a chance to get everyone together to tell it. I’m just glad I’m not going to run into Queen Chrysalis again.

As we’re talking, I start to get hungry. “Hey, I’m gonna go inside to get something to eat; wanna come with?”

“No, I have a better idea. Let’s stay out here.” She calls over a guard and requests that he bring food and a blanket. After he comes back, we set up the blanket and eat.

“Picnics on command.” I say with a chuckle. “Neat. Wish I had a power that let me do that.”

“I admit, there are some advantages to being a princess.” She takes a bite of her sandwich. “So you live with Twilight in her library? Do you like to read?”

“Yeah, better than doing nothing. I uh, bought a book yesterday. It’s actually rather similar to a book from my world, here.” I hand her Travels in Wunderland and she takes the book. “The version in my world is an incredible work of fiction.”

“F- fiction?” she says, gaze darting back up to me in surprise. Not sure why, though...

“Well, yeah. I mean, look at some of this stuff. It’s nonsense. Entertaining, but-”

“Nonsense? This is all real!” Cadence says, surprising me. “Jabberwocks, Cheshire Cats, Jub-Jub birds, all of them! They are real, dangerous creatures. Well, maybe not the Cheshire Cats, if they’re kept content, but still...”

“Oh, come on.” I scoff. “I know this place is all magical and stuff, but there’s no way Wonderland is real.”

Cadence looks at me. “I’ve been there, once.” Her tone is solemn, and serious.

I am speechless. Wonderland exists. “I... I’m not sure if I should be excited... or scared. Some of these creatures are outright horrors!” I pause. “Do you... do you think we could go? Just to see it? Not now, but, later?”

Cadence fluttered her wings, a concerned look gracing her features. “Well... I can ask Auntie Celestia, but it’ll have to be a month at the earliest. There’s a lot of preparation to go through if you want to go for anything more than a peek.” She scrunched her face in concentration, trying to remember some of the things off the top of her head. “Soap and string, copper bells and brass teakettles... and a full set of Vorpal Blades for the entire group. And, of course, the three-day training in using those blades.”

“And don’t eat any suspicious mushrooms.” I say, recalling Alice’s shrinking and growing experience.

“Don’t eat anything you didn’t bring with you, personally. They may not be malicious, but those Cheshire Cats are a touch mischievous.”

“Yeah, if what I remember from it is accurate, we’d be in for quite an adventure. Though I wonder if going there would affect my powers? Does the environment affect unicorn magic?”

“Not really, but there are some places where enough of the natural magic of the land has seeped into it, and formed Geas Groves, Literal Life Paths, and other dangers. Most of the names of things there are based on things they resemble from here, but Blueish was a genius researcher. We’ll be bringing the Bestiary he compiled, no matter what. You should read it, Twilight will have a copy.” Cadence grinned a little wider. “It was a gift for her when she was twelve. She spent a week falling asleep in the book while reading it. It’s one of the few that really challenged her.”

“Well, I’m not a book, but I certainly challenge her sanity. According to her that is. She’s nice, but... She’s a little emotional sometimes.”

“She’ll probably insist on coming along. I believe the delightful Ms. Pie has relatives there, so she might want to join us, too.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past Pinkie to have some family roots in Wonderland.” I pause, considering those words. “Actually, that might explain a bit...”

“From what I hear, it’s where her grandmother on her mother’s side hails from, though I heard this grandmother’s not an earth pony.” She gently raises a small, capped thermos, and poured herself some tea. “A rather rare break from the traditions around Stony Hollow.”

“So, if we leave in a month, and we stay there for, say another month, and return, there should be... two years before we release Discord. Yeah, sounds good to me.”

“Assuming the stay lasts a month here, of course.”

I lean back and resume the small talk. “So, what is there to do around Canterlot for those who don’t have money or look like a pony?”

“Usually?” Cadence shrugged. “Finish catching their connecting train to somewhere else.”

“Joy.” I grouse, unhappy at the prospect of a day spent being bored. “Oh well, at least I can go home tomorrow. I think Twi will have cooled off by then.”

“Don’t you have money?” Cadence asked, looking genuinely concerned. “How do you get food?”

“I... ask for it. You know, I don’t really eat much. It’s weird but... I don’t get that hungry. Dunno why. For all I know, it has something to do with this.” I spark up, allowing her a better look at my Star Form.

“Oooh, wow! That’s so neat... can I... Can I touch you?” Cadence was a bright-eyed as a child, a wide, open expression on her face as she leaned towards me.

“Only if I let you, I can turn intangible, that’s how I can do the ‘walk-out-of-the-bubble’ trick. But yeah, go ahead.”

As gentle as a feather, she pokes me in the chest with the ‘knuckle’ of her wing, then begins poking at my chest with her hoof. A tiny spark jumped to her through the silk of my shirt. She giggled, sounding giddy as a foal. “It tickles! I didn’t know you could make electricity.”

“I... I didn’t either. There’s a ton about this power I know nothing about. Anyway, I’m willing to bet my shirt doesn’t change as much as my skin does.”

Cadence giggled and coyly hides her face. “Why, Anthony, I didn’t know you felt that way!”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” I pause, then grin. “But you aren’t complaining, are you?”

Her grin grew only wider. “Of course not. I am the Alicorn of Love, after all.”

“Just for clarification, I am only joking around, I have no intention of having a romantic relationship with any pony whatsoever. I’m a human, so I’m gonna stick with them... even though now I may have even worse luck with that.”

She laughed. “Don’t worry yourself, I can tell just fine. But I think you and Ms. Pie would get along well.” her voice dropped and an impish grin formed on her face. “Very well, I think.”

My eyes must be absolutely huge, heck, I’m so shocked I powered down just from the comment. “Subject change! Um... Uh... Drat, I got nothing.”

“Muahahaha! I have another tally for my awkward-list.” Cadence’s diabolical laugh is surprisingly scary, most likely because of how poofy-pretty-princess-like she appears.

“Yeah, sure. Check this out!” I Spark up; take off my shirt and show her the white pulsing energy-core that replaces my heart.

“oooOOOooo...” She reaches out once more puts a gentle hoof on my chest, ignoring the thin arcs of electricity jumping to her. “It’s so warm...” As she whispers that, I can feel the warmth of the center of her hoof, past the hard part. It’s firm, but rather soft. It also feels vaguely like it’s forming a suction-cup effect.

“Heart of gold, nothin’ baby, I got a heart of nuclear fission!”

She looks at me, smiling but with a clear look of confusion. “Of what now?”

“It’s science stuff, Twilight might find that a bit more entertaining... if she thought any of my jokes were.”

“I’ve never heard of it before.” she says, her hoof still on my chest. “What’s ‘nookey-lar fishing’?”

“Hahahahahaha... oooooh, man if you weren’t serious that would have been even funnier.” I calm down from my laughing fit. “Nuclear fission is, well... think of it like... er... well, you know how a star radiates light? Well, that light comes from the energy it produces. And that’s what makes it so bright. A star may seem small, but it’s got a huge amount of power to it. Eventually though, the energy burns out, which is why stars die.”

Cadence’s eyes are forming tears as a look of horror crosses her face. “But you’ll be alright, right? Your star isn’t going to ‘burn out’ soon. Is it?” Suddenly, Cadence seemed to be struck with an idea. “Wait, I should bring you to aunty Luna! She’ll know!”

“I already talked with Luna. Sadly, yes, I will die. My time on this mortal plane is wearing out as we speak. I fear that I will eventually fall into the grasp of death and pass on. Oh, if only I had longer than a couple thousand more years!” I say with as much sarcasm and sappiness I can form in my voice.

“That is so sad!” Cadence suddenly buried me in a hug, sounding absolutely serious. “I don’t wanna have to bury you one day!”

“I- what? Cadence, ponies don’t live forever, do they? I could probably outlive any of you! Seriously, thousands of years!”

Cadence pulled back for a moment, her eyes a touch watery. “W-well, I guess you haven’t been told that Alicorns live until they’re killed. Or, y’know, they gather enough power to ascend to another plane. Or maybe they just disappear, we’ve never had a good answer on the exact results. But Alicorns just get bigger as they gain power, not older.”

“Huh, well, that explains a lot about Celestia and Luna, I suppose. But really. If I didn’t have this star power, I’d have, like, fifty more years, tops. This is a gift!”

She looked at me again. “Yeah, but if you’re only here for a little while then... well, maybe then you not being around will stop...” Her eyes went watery again, and she suddenly couldn’t meet my gaze anymore. She begins to wipe at her eyes with a hoof-ankle. I should probably look up the term for that later.

I hold her to calm her down. “Cadence, humans aren’t even meant to live this long. I’m not sure if I want to have those three-thousand years. I accepted that I was going to die when I found out I could die. I think I was, like, five or something. Seriously. I don’t mind, why do you need to be sad for me?”

“I- well, Alicorns have perfect memory for any face they’ve ever seen. I only remember...” she sniffled again. “I only remember my parent’s faces. I don’t remember their names.”

“Well, then you can rest assured that if you had to remember any face for all eternity, you get to have mine, aren’t you lucky?” I wink, powering down again.

Her smile returned, like the sun sneaking out from behind the cover of a cloudy day. “Well, I suppose your big, monkey-pig face is too memorable for anypony.” She hugged me again, the feeling of downy feathers on my skin reminding me that my shirt was still off.

On the other hand, this was really soft.

Stupid dilemmas. They never play fair. It was also nice; warm, and I was still kinda tired...

Sunlight speared my eyeballs, which was totally unfair, because my eyelids should have been in the way. Oh, wait, it’s just noon. I get up and decide I should probably put my shirt back on. Then I notice Cadence isn’t around. Where’d she wander off to?

Off to the side, I noticed her lying on the grass, a book in her magical grip. By her side was Shining Armor, under one of her wings as he also read the book.

“So, do we get someone else over here, or keep it a menage à trois?”

Shining’s face turned a brilliant shade of red rivaled only by crayons and firetrucks, while Cadence seemed utterly nonplussed. “Non, ce n'est pas un problème. Je ne savais pas que vous saviez prançais?”

“Hey, I know all kinds of things. I think we broke Shining though. I fear his brain froze, assuming I was referring to the slang term.”

“Oh? Oh, yes, I suppose that would be what he thinks of first. Aussi, savez-vous plus prançais, ou juste un peu?”

“Uh... I got, like, half of that. Sorry, I’m not entirely fluent. Uh... a little less, I suppose?”

Cadence giggled at my lack of comprehension. “Close enough, I’ll stop teasing you for now. Also, if you’d like some money to spend, I could give you fifty bits to use. Consider it a gift, from me.”

“I’ll take it, thanks. I don’t understand why all the stuff needs to be so expensive around here.” I roll my eyes and shrug. “Oh well, that’s the ‘fancy’ life I suppose. If it doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket, it’s not worth having.”

Cadence shrugged. “It’s considered rude not to reciprocate the value of gifts given in unicorn culture. To give a lesser gift is to show you’re of a lesser station. It’s something that was hammered into my head for a long time. Oh, Anthony, if you’d like to apologize to Twilight, I believe that she doesn’t own the most recent version of Lookinglass Gates.”

“Thanks, that might work. She certainly likes books. What do you think her reaction was when she learned she’d get to live in a library? I bet she looked like this.” I give the dumbest, most mind-draining stupid happy face I could imagine.

Cadence snickered. “Now now, don’t make fun of ponies when they aren’t around to defend themselves. It’s no fun and no fair.”

“I think I see why Shining likes you so much. Or he’s just very lucky. Anyway, I’m going to return to the mall. My kingdom needs me.”

She nods sagely. “Well, good afternoon, then. And may the Force be with you, always.”

I walk off laughing, ah Star Wars jokes, they never get... Star Wars exists here! Oh dear god, I need to see this! But for now, I shall return to Castle Blockfort, lest I return to find it raided by a band of rogue Transformares. The pun still made me retch a little, but it was better than some.

Once in the mall, I return to the bookstore and pick up a copy of Lookinglass Gates. The old stallion behind the counter seemed happy I’d returned for another book, and I got it for only four bits. Once I made my purchase, I decided I’d at least give the new book a quick read. Remembering what Cadence said, about all this being real... I never was so scared of Wonderland before in my entire life. And the urge to go there had never been stronger either. I wonder what this Blueish guy might have missed. Whatever I see there when I go, I’m sure it would make for a neat story to tell everyone when I return. Deciding I’d read enough of the gargantuan tome, I got up and returned to the toy section.

The noble King knelt in the blasted ruins of his once glorious castle. The casualties of the fight had been numerous, many of his woolen soldier’s missing entirely, likely dragged away by the savages who destroyed the entire royal palace. None of the Mother and Kitten sets were left, the monsters. A lone sword, forged of the finest wood, was all that lay on the remnants of his mighty throne.

As he wept, he cried out in frustration. He swore out his revenge to the heavens above, “You bastards will regret not taking the Furbies, this I swear!!” The fact that Equestria didn’t have Furbies notwithstanding.

He stood, his royal countenance streaked with tears of rage, and looked upon the cruelly sundered bricks of his once-great home. A lone soldier, cloth face miraculously unscarred from the previous stampede of barbarians, was still laying on the ground by the main gate.

“M- my king...” she sputtered out, and the King went to her side. “There were too many of them, and it was a twenty-percent-off sale. We never... never stood a chance. I’m so sorry... my... k-” her voice trailed off into a death rattle.

Once more, the king cried his fury to the heavens, only stopping when a great titan, clad in cerulean cloth, appeared. “Sir, you need to quiet down, please, you’re scaring the customers.”

Unable to fight the titan in his current state, the king could only nod numbly. He’d get his revenge. Someday. Not today, but someday...

But for now, I’ll just find some stuff to buy. I’m in a toy store with a sack full of money, the end result should be obvious. I go down the aisles and look for various sundries that pique my interest. Technically that covers everything in sight, but I have to limit myself to my budget. My purchase will include the faithful soldier, though. She will be avenged...

I decide to get a squirt ‘gun’, some ‘Earth Magic Stones’ that are just natural magnets, a build-your-own mini trebuchet kit, a home Arcane Circuitry set, and a slingshot. Obviously I purchased the slingshot in the only appropriate way one should; by holding it over my head with both hands after paying for it. The odd look I got from the cashier was rather entertaining as well.

Anyway, after my purchases, I have six bits left. I’m probably going to have to ask Celestia for help getting back to Ponyville. My thoughts turn to when I was with Cadence, how I generated those sparks when she touched me. I Spark up and try to replicate it. I hold up my hand and concentrate, and watch as tiny arcs of electricity leap between my fingers. I try the other hand and it’s the same. Thinking about my fire powers, I try something similar. I look at my reflection in a shop window, and I see myself covered in wild zigzagging lines of yellow-white energy. I can control electricity! But... I want to do more. I want to be electricity...

I feel an current surge up my spine as my body is surrounded by the crackling arcs, my Spark form has changed color to a more yellowish tone, but my aura definitely still blue. My body is generating electricity like a dynamo! Not only that, but I feel... lighter.

After testing out my new power, I discover that my ability to increase my speed was really just a minor manifestation of my Dynamo form, and now that I fully realized it, I could move even faster! I no longer had to fight the wind, I could hit my peak at will, and though I can’t fly, I feel I don’t need to. Unfortunately, using this new form tires me out much faster. I’ll need to get more practice; learn how to control this better, but I’ll save that for when I show Twilight, she’ll definitely want to see this!

Chapter 18

At my request, Celestia teleports me to Ponyville. I’m about to head for the library when I stop. I should at least look like I know what I’m doing with my powers before I show Twilight. I don’t want to make a mistake and have to fix it. I decide that the safest place to test my Dynamo form would be inside the Everfree forest. No ponies or buildings around to get possibly damaged.

Once I’m in the forest, I decide to run another test. I successfully shift straight into my Heat form, then swap immediately into my Dynamo form. I’ll have to write this down as well: I can go directly into an elemental form without having to Spark up first, and I can access any form I want whenever I want. Cool.

I return to my Dynamo form and begin emitting electricity from my hands. Aside from my usual glow, I generate strong arcs of light with the electricity leaping from my fingers in a strobe-like fashion. Switching to my Heat form also generates light due to the fire. I move to another test with my Dynamo form. I punch a tree and sparks leap to it, but doesn’t damage the tree at all aside from the impact of my fist. Now to test liquid conductivity. I find a small pool and dip my hand into it. Once I see a bunch of dead, electrocuted fish float to the water’s surface, I decide that, yes, water conducts my electricity as normal. I wade out into the water to collect the dead fish.

Taking them to the shore, I hold one and roast them with fire. I’d probably skin them first, but I don’t have a knife or any coal to make an knife out of. There is also the fact that I don’t even know how to skin a fish or debone it. After charring three fish of my ten, I finally figure out the appropriate temperature and cooking time required to consider my catches edible. Aside from having to chew through scales, I was glad for the cooked meat. I continue my meal until I’m out of fish. Oh delicious meat, how I missed you so~!

I continue my training, testing the various properties of the electricity I generate. I use the magnets I bought to determine that nearby magnetic fields draw the electricity from my body. Not sapping the power, the electricity is merely attracted to the magnet, jumping to it in arcs, throwing off even more light than before, and much more consistently, as well. It also melts the hematite of the magnets, making them drip in tiny molten puddles to the forest floor. I wish I could get a sheet of metal to test the conductive properties of other materials, but that will have to wait. No way I’m finding one of those around here.

The next thing I decide to test is my speed. It seems that I can make any sort of movement as fast as I want, though since my body has to actually move that fast, it wears on my muscles. Luckily, I can choose how much of a speed increase I get, so I don’t wear out my body just by being in Dynamo form. Still a little sore from trying a partial speed-boost that almost torqued my arm off, though.

Overall, this day has been very educational, but what I really need is a living test subject, something that will react physically, so I can compare my movements and actions to it. Plus, I wanna see what happens when I mash an electrified fist into something’s face at roughly the speed of light. I decide that my next task should be to find one of those dangerous creatures native to the Everfree forest. I walk deep into the forest, not finding much, though I did come across some insectoid creature that looked like a winged purple ball with eyes. It just sniffed me and then flew off. That thing was ugly as sin, nothing should have eyes like that! Other than that though, there’s absolutely nothing. Dangerous place my ass, my socks are scarier than this place.

“Come on, is there anything around here!?”

As if in response, I see a bush rustle. I leap over and push the foliage away. It’s a Changeling! I grab it by the throat and shove it’s body against a tree, holding it in place with my arm. I’m going to fry this sonofabi-

“Please, don’t hurt me!” the changeling says, bowing and scraping as much as it can while pinned against a tree. Against my better judgement I take my arm away and the Changeling drops to the ground where it shakily stands up.

“Why shouldn’t I? As soon as I turn my back, you’re going to blast me or bite me. All you sick creatures want now is revenge for me killing Chrysalis, right?”

“N- No! That’s not it at all!” The Changeling’s voice is strange. Like a sort of buzzing hiss behind the words. “Please, if you’re really the one who killed Chrysalis, you have our thanks, sincerely!” It bows again, face pressed to the loam and moss.

“And why, pray tell, is that?” Seriously, bug instinct says ‘attack that which hurts our queen’ and these are very insectoid

“She was using us as slaves!” it shrieks, looking up at me. I’m a touch surprised to see tears welling in its eyes. “She cast some sort of obedience spell on us, we couldn’t argue or do anything at all but exactly what we were told! You saved us!”

“Why would she do that? She’s a Changeling too.” I’m a bit skeptical, this doesn’t make a lot of sense.

“Just because you’re the same species doesn’t mean you’re all friends with each other.” It points out.

“Okay, you got me there.” I agree, nodding. Humanity is probably the best example in favor of that argument possible. “I probably understand that better than most of the ponies around here.” I relent.

“Okay, as long as you understand. Anyway, Chrysalis controlled us, using us as servants and pawns.” It shakes its head sadly. “Whenever she had plans that involved us, we were like disposable trash. There were so many of us and we could repopulate so quickly, it didn’t matter to her.”

“So when I killed Chrysalis and no Changelings attacked...”

“We were so shocked that we had regained our free will that we never got the chance to thank you! You saved our minds, our lives, and those of our children!”

The Changeling bowed down at my feet, the sight triggering the vision in my head. “Get up! Get up now!” I’m not going to let even part of that dream come true, it’s the only way to truly prevent it completely. The Changeling rises to its hooves.

“I- I thank you, but the rest of us would like to thank you as well.” it says, looking unsure of what to do. If they were bred in there to be servants, they might not know any other way to live. “I... trust you know where the hive is?”

“I’m not going back there. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just... Okay; fine, I don’t trust you.”

It gives a more respectful, polite bow, more like one you’d give to a noble, but not a king. “I assure you that none of us wish you harm or inconvenience, but I understand your hesitance.”

I think for a moment. They don’t seem to be lying, but that can be either a sign of honesty, or a good liar. “I’m not going anywhere with you under any circumstances. I might show up at the hive, but it will be of my own volition, completely unannounced, and at whatever time or date I wish. I am however, going to let you leave unharmed against my better judgement.” The changeling nods enthusiastically, smiling toothily. “Also, if I discover any, and I mean any Changelings in Ponyville, I will burn your hive to the ground and kill you all, driving you all to extinction. Am I clear?”

The Changeling nods hurriedly and dashes off into the bushes and, I suppose, back to the hive. That was certainly unexpected. I’ll have to think about what I’m going to do. I will be returning to the hive, but when? I suppose I can ask Twilight. It should be safe to tell her and her friends about this without telling them about my other encounters with the Changelings.

I head back to Ponyville, deciding to tell Twilight once I’m done demonstrating my Dynamo form. I hope she can supply me with some other materials to test with. I’ll also have to set up that Arcane Circuitry kit, I’m just dying to know how they developed electricity and how it works.

I figure I should at least stop by Fluttershy’s cottage since I’m nearby. I really should spend more time with these ponies if they’re supposed to be my friends. I walk up to her door and knock.

Fluttershy opens her door slowly, but then seems to be a bit... relieved when she sees it’s me. This pegasus is such an introvert it’s kinda weird compared to the open friendliness of other ponies. Anyway, I figure we could just sit and talk while I get a chance to rest.

She offers to make some food, but I’m not that hungry since I just ate. “Don’t let me stop you though, if you’re hungry, go make something. I’m not in any rush.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

After a few minutes, she returns with a plate of salad with some fish, the scent of lemon and herbs greeting my nose warmly. Fish!?

“Uh... ‘Shy? What’s with the fish?”

“Oh, I like to have some shredded salmon on my salads. I- I’m sorry if that bothers you. I don’t know what humans eat.”

“Oh no, it’s perfectly fine, I just... I didn’t expect ponies to eat meat, I mean... you guys are mainly herbivores, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes. Well, sort of... W- what I mean is that ponies are technically omnivores, but only pegasi really eat fish. Unicorns usually call it ‘uncouth’, but it’s why they’re usually so skinny. Earth ponies sometimes eat fish, and sometimes even b- b- bacon.” ‘Shy’s squeaking stutters trailed off at that, looking a bit grossed out. “It’s all nature, I know, but piggies are just so cute...”

“Well yeah, pigs are cute, but have you had bacon? It’s delicious!”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t want to eat anything with hooves or paws or little toesies... but rattlesnake is pretty good?” Her last statement sounded almost like a question, as if asking me for permission to like snake meat.

“Snakes? Snakes nothing, ever had alligator before?”

“Alligators have toes.” she countered.

“Alright, fine. I guess we can agree to disagree. Guess I can’t walk into a restaurant and order a steak then.”

“Well, maybe in a griffon restaurant, but there aren’t any in Ponyville, nor Canterlot that I know of. The nearest one is in Dodge Junction. Dash tried to take me there once, but there were so many eyes...” Her voice trailed off into a squeak, and she was now huddled under her pink mane like it was a safety blanket. I can easily tell why both Dash and Pinkie said ‘no pranking Fluttershy’.

I decide to calm her down. “It’s alright Fluttershy, I don’t mind if you eat cows or not. No need to be scared.”

“I- I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of crowds.” She leaned towards me.

“Well, there’s nobody here but me, so you don’t need to worry about anything.” I pick up Fluttershy and give her a hug. She must be the softest, fluffiest pony thus far! I pet her gently to calm her down. “I’m the only one here. It’s just you, me, and the floorboards.”

Fluttershy smiled and nuzzled my shoulder for a moment, before turning back towards her food. “Uh, if it’s alright with you, could I finish my lunch?”

“Oh, of course.” I set her down in front of her plate.

A sudden, frightening crash resounds through the cottage, coming from the direction of Ponyville. As if by teleportation, Fluttershy is back in my arms, clamped to my chest like a super magnet to a brick of steel. Only, I’m not as tough as steel, and I can feel my lungs being crushed.

I say something along the lines of ‘don’t worry, Flutters, I’ll see what it is, you’re safe’ and stand up. Walking to the door, I open the top half of the inexplicable dutch door design, and look towards the town. A plume of smoke- no, several plumes of smoke are rising, and I can faintly hear screaming.

I prepare to exit the cottage, and only stop when I hear a squeak, and look down to see that Fluttershy’s deathgrip hasn’t let up, but her wings are doing everything in their power to push her (and by extension, me) away from the door. Her huge, watery cyan eyes stare up at me.

“Stay here ‘Shy. I’m going to find out what’s going on. Don’t worry, this should be quick.”

Fluttershy nods at me, reluctantly letting go and sliding to the floor. “I- I’ll j-just go hide under Harry. He’s the bear.”

“Well, that should be perfectly- bear!? Jeez ‘Shy, what don’t you have? Nevermind, I’ll be right back.” I begin running towards town thinking the words ‘I hope’ to myself.

As I run towards the town, skipping over the rough patches of foliage between segments of the twisty road, I can hear the shouts and screaming intensifying. This isn’t the semi-panicked, almost rehearsed ‘oh no, there’s something new in town!’ screams, but the throaty, full-body screaming of someone terrified for their life... or the lives of their loved ones.

I’ve only heard screams like that in movies, but this hit me somewhere primal, well behind my conscious thoughts.
.
Without thinking, I’d shifted to my Dynamo form, leaping farther and faster than normal. Sparks and arcs of electricity jumped in thin streams from me to the ground, as if to push me a little higher and farther. As I came in sight of the town, I was unprepared by what I saw.

Ponyville was burning. And not a few fires here and there, but fires engulfing entire houses and smoke thick enough I can’t see two inches into it.

This is bad. Very bad. I don’t even know the cause of this, and I can’t just put out fires at will... I look for some indication of where the fire started.

A crackling, creaking noise, like a thick piece of wood being bent, caught my attention, and I turned in time to see and dodge a falling beam from a house.

A pony, one I don’t recognize, lays just inside the now-open house, apparently unconscious. A small pool of blood lay under their head, a stone or metal knickknack nearby, likely having fallen off of the shelf that was pinning them to the ground.

“Shit!” I switch to my Heat Form, but not actually producing any flames. I take advantage of my heat resistance to get inside and grab the pony. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have a safe place to put them... other than the street, which was only marginally safer.

As I pick up the pony, they open their eyes partially, and croak out a “thanks”, before passing out again. I felt a little better inside, and took them outside. At least the street was better than nothing. I need to stop the bleeding. I attempt to tear off part of my shirt to make a crude bandage, but apparently, Rarity definitely knew who she was making this shirt for. Damnit.

I could use my heat power to try to cauterize the wound, but I’m afraid of burning them. I never got a chance to practice this... Oh well, I have to do something. I project a small but very hot flame from my fingertip and put it close to the pony’s wound, and pray I’m doing it right.

A quick swipe of my finger, and the flesh is now furless, rather blackened, but no longer bleeding. My job done, I rush off further into the town, looking for what could have caused this. An idea flashed in my mind.

I could create a backfire, and force the two to burn each other out... but then there’d be nothing left of Ponyville, and potentially its inhabitants.

A roar, monstrous and bellowing, reverberated through the town, and I could feel it more than I could hear it. Looking for the source, I watched as a... a something bursts through a brick-and-stone wall of a house, sending the building materials scattering. The creature turns towards me, and I see a perfectly human face and torso atop a body of nightmares. The person’s head is bald, and their smile is manic, and the demonic-looking body is darkened and covered in red, furiously hot cracks, dribbles of magma or blood falling to the ground from them.

A pony stumbles out of the house that had been broken open, and the monster looks at it. For a moment, I hope that it was all a misunderstanding, and it’s a human who got powers too and is just confused... and then it grabs the pony and bites off their forelegs.

But what the creature did was nowhere near as disturbing as how it did it. A huge maw opened up in the thing’s chest, lined with red-hot teeth, and it just tore the pony’s limbs off, apparently swallowing them or something. The pony was thrown aside like a broken toy, screaming in agony and terror.

I decide I’ve had enough, and approach him, yelling. My body is now surrounded by scorching flames. “You have two seconds to tell me what you’re doing here!!”

In a voice a genteel as a polished dagger, the human face speaks. “I am seeking my ascension. Why? Do you think you can stop me?” In spite of the odd civility of the tone, the voice is a dozen decibels above shouting.

“What I think doesn’t matter, you bastard. I will stop you!” I raise my fists, still swirling with fire. I wait for his move. I’m not going to rush in and get my ass kicked.

“Ha! I shall find the fount of Kindness and despoil it. And no mere candle flame will stand in my way.” The gargantuan creature reared up, its gorilla-like posture explained by its proportions. The huge, wide chest supported by a pair of massive arms, each ending in hands half as wide as I am tall. A pair of rather normal human legs, coated in blackened, stone-like flesh dangled pathetically behind him. A whip-like tail, barbed and studded with spikes coiled angrily around him.

The chest-mouth opened again, and another fearsome roar sounded, the deep bass rumble shaking the loose stones and bricks on the street.

With that, the creature charged, fists swinging and mouths open in terrible grins. One vertical, one horizontal.

“Candle flame? Candle flame!? Buddy, you’ve asked for it.” I charge forward, going intangible. I hope I can surprise him with it and get a few quick hits in. He slams through me, and I feel something like a wave of hot air try to push against my intangible form. The roar and shout of surprise tells me that he at least didn’t expect it, but I don’t hear or see him wheeling around to attack again. Instead, the thudding of his passage reveals he’s continuing onwards.

I don’t waste my time. I swap to my Dynamo form, and rush at him as fast as I can, and slam an electrified fist as hard as I can right to his human head. I smash through the crest of blackened bone protecting his back, the material brittle and easily destroyed, but my fist’s landing hits bone and flesh with no result. The monster doesn’t even flinch, and I feel my leg become impaled, the sharp pain coming seemingly from nowhere. Whatever it was, it drags me from the creature’s back, ripping out of my leg as it throws me.

This time, I get a good look at what grabbed me; the spiny, barbed tail of the demon creature is, it would seem, fully prehensile. The creature, still lumbering in the direction I’d came from, stops only for a moment to smash a huge fist through the side of a house and grab another pony from the second floor. For just a moment, I catch a glimpse of a lemon-yellow coat before I hear the grisly ‘crunch’ of internal damage, the pony shrieking in agony. Speeding forward, I’m able to catch the pony as she’s thrown by the monster over his shoulder, a series of spikes erupting from his back.

As the beast laughs, I gently lay the injured pony on the ground, where she bleeds quietly from the corner of her mouth. Looking up at me, she smiles slightly, before clutching her ribs with a pained expression. I’ve never even heard of anyone acting this callously towards anything, much less thinking creatures. This goes beyond mere psychopathy. I have to stop him somehow, before he finds his target. He said he was searching for a ‘fount of kindness’...

A chill settles in my heart, and I swear my core grows a little dim for a moment. Fluttershy. He’s going after Fluttershy.

“Not on my watch.” Deciding to change my tactic, I power down and increase my size until I’m twenty times his size and rush after him. Reaching down with my own gargantuan fists, I swat him away from a trio of ponies he was about to slam into paste. Each of them look up at me in awe, but I don’t have time for that. A faint surge of pride fills me, though, and my next attack punts him clear over a bunch of houses and into the clear area of the town square. Abandoned market stalls are scattered around, but the ponies have abandoned the area, meaning I’m not as restricted in my attacks.

The monster, now visibly more angry, rakes my hand with his claws as I try to hit him again, my larger form vastly more sluggish than his. The pain is a bright, searing thing, but the heat at least cauterized my wounds, so they aren’t bleeding.

I return to my normal size, and change to my Dynamo form, and I charge as much electricity through my body as I can, trying to electrocute him.

He charges again, this time with his chest-mouth wide open. Inside I can see what looks like a forty-foot tunnel lined with red-hot teeth. It’s possible that my intangibility won’t work if I get sucked into that, but it just means I need to be a little more creative.

Just before he hits me, I fall backwards, pushing myself down to speed it up. It’ll hurt, but means his relatively un-armored belly will pass right over. And when it does, I slam my hands up, palms out, releasing all the electricity I’d been storing. Constantly running it back and forth to up both its voltage and amperage, it ought to be able to at least stun an angry moose. And I‘m far more terrified of an angry moose than I am of this guy.

The electrical jolt seems to lift him off the ground, and he falls into a limp pile of limbs in the mess of a bunch of wrecked carts. The body twitches once, but then stills, jittering slightly from the residual static. I’m not going to take any chances, so I decide my next course of action would be to finish him off. I walk up to him, my plan forming in my mind. I’m going to go intangible, reach my hand through his head, and send ten-thousand volts straight to his fucked-up brain.

I stand next to his head, and reach for his face, tiny arcs of electricity already jumping from my hand. Before I can do it, though, a literal tongue of flame flicks out from his chest-mouth and grabs me. The burning sensation of liquid fire being poured across my flesh hurt worse than any other injury I’ve ever received. I can feel myself being flung by the fiery tongue, and I slam through another market stall.

I’m barely hanging onto my consciousness as I watch the monster stand up again. He starts laughing, the scratchy, distorted sound making my head hurt. My powers seem faded, no sparks of electricity coming to my call. As he begins lumbering towards me, I hear something.

“Get up!”

It came from somewhere on one of the rooftops.

“Get up! I know you can!”

Looking towards the source of the noise, I see a tiny speck of white, with a little mop of mulberry curls on top. Next to it is a little speck of yellow, with a pink bow, and a dot of orange with a purple mane.

One of the other CMC members called out. “C’mon, man, I believe in you!”

A spark jumps between my fingers. The monster is closing on me, but I see shapes on the clouds above, pegasi staying at a safe distance to watch. They too begin to shout encouragement to me. Another spark crawls across my skin. More ponies are forming a wide, cautious ring around the town square, and they’re shouting encouragements as well. The demon eyes them moodily as he advances towards me, evidently seeking to squash their hope and me in a single blow.

Then, the crowd goes quiet for a moment, drawing both me and the demon to look around at them. Slowly, they begin chanting.

“An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny!”

Sure it’s not my real name, but I still feel their belief flooding in like a refreshing drink after a long day of hard work. I’m not having any trouble breathing anymore, and some of the pain fades, though not all of it, and not all the way.

The demon growls, baring his two sets of teeth at the ponies, but to little effect. He turns his gaze on me, and I’m already prepared for more banter.

“Heh, w- what’s the m- matter, demon-boy? You don’t have a- a fan-club? I gotta say, they help. A lot!”

I get up and charge myself with electricity again. I’m not entirely sure what the energy buildup will do, but I hope it’s enough. I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but right now, I need to give this all I got.

I rush forward as fast as possible, and throw a burning, electrified fist dead center between his human eyes. I don’t know how fast I’m going, but it looks like he’s frozen until I make contact.

And for a moment, the chanting was dead once more, this time from speed alone. I was moving faster than sound. Sparks of flame and lightning suspended in air, their light coruscating off in shapes I could almost see. As my fist connects, I can feel the bones break in my hand, but I couldn’t feel the pain yet, another testament to how fast I was moving right now. The slowly expanding donut-shaped wavefront tears outward like a drill expanding in size. Visceral, meaty chunks went everywhere, and time came back to me as I watched his charred head comes apart like a melon with an M80 going off in it.

For a moment I stand still, perfectly serene and victorious. Then, I start to feel my hand.

Then, I feel nothing at all.

I open my eyes and I’m in a hospital. I check my arms for needles. None, thank goodness. Wait, what’s... Oh boy, should’ve seen this coming. I raise my right arm and I see that the area from my hand to my elbow is in a cast. I manage to sit up, but I ache all over, and can only groan in pain.

“Girls! He’s awake!”

Owww, my head is pounding and the shouting just makes it worse. “Not so loud...”

“Oops, sorry.”

Pinkie walks over to me as the rest of them walk into the room. They all give their greetings as they file in.

“Hey ladies. Man, that was somethin’.” I drawl sluggishly, coming down off the headache.

“I think that’s our line.” Rainbow Dash said, a smile on her face. “That was the most hardcore thing I’ve ever seen! Well, aside from myself that is.”

I laugh at her light narcissism “Sure, whatever you say. So how’s Ponyville?”

“Well...” Twilight starts, looking like she’s trying to avoid that subject. “It’s... not on fire anymore.”

“But it’s gonna take a long while and a lotta work ‘fore it’s rebuilt.” AJ says, looking out a window.

“Dang, if only I could have stopped him sooner. I’m sorry everyone.” I apologize, mostly for the collateral damage

“Sorry? Why would you be sorry?” Rarity asks, sounding genuinely shocked. “Dear, if it wasn’t for you, that horrid thing would have destroyed everything!”

I suddenly remember a bit of info. “No, he wouldn’t. Not before getting to Fluttershy. He told me he was going after her.”

At this, Fluttershy starts shivering, curling into a yellow and pink ball.

“But... why?” Twilight asks. “What did he want with Fluttershy? How does he even know her?”

“Well, what he actually said was that he wanted to ‘despoil the fount of kindness’ and something about ascension.” I clarify.

“Hmmm... well, it definitely sounds like he was talking about Fluttershy, but I don’t understand what he meant by despoil. I can’t think of anything Fluttershy would have that a demon would want. And what could he use to reach a higher power?” Twilight pauses. “Sorry everypony, but I’m going to go look into this.” With that, she left.

“But that thing is gone right?” Applejack asks, her twang making it sound like anythang.

“I should hope so!” Rarity says, “I can’t imagine anything that could live through a display of power like that.”

I grin and chuckle, “Thanks Rarity, like my ego needs to be any bigger.” I stop laughing when a sharp pain in my chest makes me wince instead.

“At least we know you’re recoverin’.” Applejack says, looking tired, but still smiling.

“Yeah.” I nod, then ask, “So after I literally blew his mind, what happened?”

Pinkie pops up onto the bed next to me. “Welllllll, you stopped glowing you fell over and when you didn’t move a bunch of ponies brought you here what did you do anyway you didn’t even move!”

“Heh, oh yes I did. I punched him in the face so fast he exploded.” This got a collective gasp from the others. “Heh, speed of light, baby. That’s what they mean when they say ‘faster than you can blink’.”

“I wouldn’t brag too much, partner, the doc said ya broke yer hand in more places’n ah can count. Yer gonna have that there cast for ‘bout a month.”

I look at my heavily bandaged arm. “Well, that could be a problem. Oh well, at least Ponyville is safe for now.”

“Yeah! You’re a hero now!” Pinkie’s eyes go wide as she gasps loudly enough to make my ringing ears sting, “I should throw you a hero party!!” Pinkie jumps onto the bed and hugs me, which I reciprocate with my left arm, wincing through the pain of sudden contact.

“Thanks for everything girls. Hey, Fluttershy, are you okay?”

“I... I am now, thanks to you.” she says, sounding both grateful and shaken in equal measure.

“Aww, come here.” I pat my right side and Fluttershy hovers over and rests next to me. I pull her into a hug with my right arm, being careful about my injuries. I hold both ponies close to me as I lay back down. I’m tired.

I pet them both, and though I can only feel Pinkie, Fluttershy seems to appreciate the gesture as well. I’m tired, but happy. Just gonna close my eyes for a minute...

Chapter 19

I wake up and I realize that Fluttershy has left, but Pinkie is still here, and has fallen asleep in my arm. I run my hand through Pinkie’s curly, crazy mane. How does she get her hair to do that all the time, anyway? Aw, she’s snoring... Heh. Life is good. Wait, Ponyville is pretty much ground zero at this point... why can’t my good moods ever last?

Oh well. Still, it’s a calm, comforting thought that the hospital doesn’t seem damaged. And while I can hear some of the ponies in the other rooms, their occasional moans and yelps of pain sneaking through the door, it’s evident they’re being tended to. I can hear the steady clip-clops of the nurses and doctors passing each other in the halls outside the door, and it’s a calming white noise.

I snuggle in closer to Pinkie, wincing slightly at my arm. I was heading to the library earlier to hand off the book to Twilight, and I don’t feel hurt. Well, other than my arm, that is. That should heal on its own in a month or so, though... which means no trip in a month with Cadence. Darn, I was looking forward to that.

I look down at Pinkie, musing again about her mane. Cadence mentioned she had relatives in Wunderland, which is making more sense of her mane, now that I think about it. Cadence also teased me about being ‘very compatible’ with Pinkie. I look at the pink mare’s face as she lays on me, her face framed by cotton-candy hair and the sunlight streaming in from the window, and...

Ooooooh boy. Hello morning awkwardness. Damn, this is certainly awful timing. I just reassure myself repeatedly that, no, it’s not Pinkie, it’s just nature. God this is the worst possible time for this. At least she’s asleep and won’t notice... On the other hand, maybe I should wake her up and make a hasty retreat...

Then a nurse pony comes in, I sort of recognize her as she’s the pony I saw at my initiation party, with the First Aid Cutie Mark. She’s got a yellow coat and blueish hair kept in a hairnet on the back. She looks in at me, my ‘tent’, and Pinkie resting right next to it. She grins widely. “That’s one way to feel better, but I don’t think it’ll help your arm any, Anthony.”

“This is just really bad timing, I swear.” I hiss trying not to wake Pinkie. “I have absolutely no urge to have any romantic relationship with any ponies whatsoever.” I look down. “As much as current evidence might suggest otherwise.”

She just grins even wider. “Who said anything about romance?”

“Er... Uh...” My face falls. “I’m not gonna win this one, am I?”

“Nope.” Her grin returns to a more normal size as she trots up. “Teasing aside, I’d first like to thank you for saving my little sister yesterday. She’s recovering from that head-bump and the smoke inhalation nicely. Second of all, I need to check on your arm, if that’s alright.”

“Sure, just don’t stick anything in my arm I don’t want.”

She laughed gently, “Don’t worry, any needles for you will be emergency-issue only.” She carefully grabbed my uninjured arm, turning my palm up. Her hoof went over my wrist and I feel the soft inside of her hoof press down to check my pulse. It feels kinda weird.

“Seems alright, compared to our first check of your vitals.” she gently laid my hand back on Pinkie, who just snuggled in closer to my side, eliciting a blush. Stupid Cadence. “Now, let me see your other hand.”

Shifting it over, she poked and prodded at the bits of my arm sticking out of the cast, doing something like massaging my upper arm with her eyes closed. After a few moments of doing this, she stopped, and placed a hoof over were my knuckles were buried in the cast. I watched as she simply stood there, rear hooves on the tile floor and one foreleg on the railing of the hospital bed, fourth hoof placed on my cast.

“So, is it hard to do this for a human? I mean, last I checked, I’m the first one around here.”

“Hmm? Oh, I’m just checking the flows of your life-force. If there are any eddies or backwash, it can indicate looming embolisms or worse. As it stands, though, only your brokens bones seem to be off with your arm. While you have much life-force, it’s just more to look at. It still forms the same patterns, just brighter.” She seemed to have acquired a sagely, almost doped look on her face.

“Uh... huh. So, would it be possible for me to leave with just my cast on?”

“Yes, I think that’ll be fine. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids, preferably fruit juices. If you can find some citrus fruits, those will help the most, but they’re hard to get. Other than oranges, of course. And avoid any tight hugs until your ribs are better. Let me go get you a pegasus wing-sling, I think it’ll fit you better than an earth pony one.” the nurse, whose name I still hadn’t gotten yet, sauntered calmly from the room.

I feel the urge to continue petting Pinkie, but I’m not entirely sure if that would help my little problem. At least it’s starting to subside. Cadence is crazy. No way would Pinkie and I end up doing more than being friends. Besides, who’s to say Pinkie would go for it? She seems perfectly fine being just friends, and I like it that way. I relax and wait for the nurse to return with the sling.

After trying to leave the hospital four times as patients kept stopping me to congratulate me and thank me - it was kind of embarrassing - I went to collect my stuff. Thankfully, I had forgotten it at Fluttershy’s, and she had brought it to the hospital for me. I picked it up from the head nurse’s office, meeting a white mare with a pink mane and red cutie mark, also a first-aid symbol. She also thanked me profusely.

After leaving the adoration of virtually everypony in the hospital, and finding myself feeling light on my feet, I started towards the library. I found myself hoping the huge tree was alright; it had probably withstood centuries of growing there, and to be taken out by some rampaging asshole...

Either way, though, I continued towards the library, looking sadly at the devastation ponyville suffered. Surprisingly, however, most of what had been damaged was the roofs and... facades? Most of the houses were actually brick and stone under a layer of mortar and decorative wood. I found myself feeling a little better. Some houses had collapsed or been broken by the rampaging demon, or whatever he was, and those were being tended to by teams of earth ponies and pegasi alike. I noted that many of them had apple-related cutie marks.

Looks like Applejack called in her extended family to help. And boy, when she listed all those names, she was not blowing steam. Holy crap that’s a lot of Horse Apples... AJ would kill me if she heard me say that...

Many, in fact, were also humming tunes. Or, at least, I first thought it was multiple, but it turned out to be the same tune, and each of them were humming their own part of it. When I stopped for a moment, it also seemed they were stepping and moving in tune to the shared song, though how they were doing it, I have no idea.

I found my steps crunching along the dirt road in step to the catchy tune as well, ponies stopping to wave hello to me. I hadn’t ever gotten so many smiles and friendly faces pointed my way since arriving... or even before then.

Buoyed by good will and a sense of accomplishment filling me, I virtually sped to the Library in time to see the tree get lit by the early-autumn sun. The leaves, a uniform, shimmering gold caused the entire area cleared around it to appear gilded, from the ponies working to move debris and work supplies across the area to the grass underfoot.

The name ‘Golden Oaks’ makes a lot more sense, all of a sudden.

Shaking away the minor awe at the sight, I went in to see Twilight and Spike speaking to a bunch of foals, a blackboard covered in chalk scribbles detailing fire safety in case of another large fire.

Smart pony this one, as always. I decide to interrupt. “I suppose I count too, don’t I?” I enter my heat form and snap my fingers repeatedly, each snap making my fingers catch on fire and then extinguish like a lighter.

“No, you don’t.” Spike states plainly. “We were talking about natural disasters. Not walking disasters waiting to happen.”

“Nice to see you too, dude.” I extinguish my fingers completely and stop my display. “Hey Twilight, you’re gonna cover electrical fires and incendiary gasses too, right?”

“What? Electrical fires? What does electricity have to do with fire?”

“Are you kidding me? Lightning from thunderstorms... oh, right, you can control your weather manually.” I decide to explain anyway. “Well, electricity that is not controlled can cause a fire upon striking a flammable object. I could explain how, but that would take a bit of explanation of electrons and such.”

Twilight stops me. “Electrons? What are- most of our electrical devices are powered by magic. Unless the magic used was not cast properly, there’s no cause of an accident, and each unicorn is tested extensively to make sure they fully understand the spell before using it in the field.”

“Well, guess your idea of electricity and mine differ.” I enter my Dynamo Form and start generating sparks from my left hand. I don’t want to possibly wreck my cast. “You can detect magic, Twilight. How much magic am I generating at this moment?”

Twilight’s horn glows softly, and she concentrates briefly. “Twenty-two-point-three thaums of spark elemental energy.” She smiles, looking as if waiting for me to give her a gold star.

“Spike, do you have a blank piece of scrap paper?” Once he’s holding up the paper, I charge up until my hand is generating about what I estimate to be ten thousand volts of raw electricity, then I place my forefinger on one corner of the paper, and complete the circuit with my thumb on another piece of the paper. For several seconds, nothing happens, until the short circuit finally builds enough to hurt a little. At that point, half the paper spontaneously catches fire, the vivid gold-blue arc of electricity snapping into view between my fingers with a loud CRACK that echoes through the room. Every pony in attendance folded their ears down, and several of the little fillies and colts shrieked in fear.

“Oops, didn’t know that would happen.” I admit, sheepishly.

However, the paper was more or less obliterated, the last bits of burnt ashes fluttering to ground, Spike’s eyes wide as he looked at the only bit of unburnt paper. It ended less than a millimeter from his claw-tip, and I realize I almost zapped him with that.

Spike, however, doesn’t seem afraid at all, his little mouth going wide. “That was so cool! Dude, that was amazing!”

“There it is, Twilight. Electrical fire.” I turn to address the children. “Now, that was a lot of electrical power, but practically nothing compared to that of a lightning strike. A raw bolt of lightning, if it’s anything like in my world, could kill you instantly if you are hit. This is why thunderstorms are considered very dangerous. Also, electricity is naturally conducted by metal, so avoid touching any tall metallic objects if there’s a storm going on.”

Twilight shook her head. “Okay, stop. A lightning strike will hurt, but it won’t kill! It’d take a really irresponsible weather team or a superstorm to build up that much lightning in a single place. Secondly, what do thunderstorms have to do with lightning strikes? Thunder is the sound of the rain being concussively ‘broken’ from the clouds. And finally, lightning hits whatever is nearby, it doesn’t care if something is tall or not. It’s not a living creature, Anthony. Well, unless it’s an elemental, but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.” Twilight had, at some point during the lecture, donned a tweed jacket, a simple bow-tie, a pair of tiny little glasses, and put her hair into a teacher’s bun. I hadn’t even seen it happen, I just sort of noticed it had happened afterwards, and can’t remember exactly when or how it was accomplished.

Her lecture complete, she smiled in a satisfied way, hmmphed triumphantly, and puffed her chest out slightly, a tiny poof of fur breaching top of her jacket. She took a moment to adjust her tie by hoof, straightening it.

“Yeah, according to your weather which is all controlled manually. In my world we have no control over the weather and just have to deal with whatever tornadoes, monsoons, or whatever else happens.” I point out

Twilight scoffed, soundly strangely haughty from her spot. When did she get an actual lectern here? “No weather control? Next you’ll tell me you have no way to prevent earthquakes, or that you only get one crop of growth a year. There’s no way an actual civilization can get by without those. Even the gryphons had to keep earth ponies in their lands to have enough food for each year, and-”

“And you use magic for all of those, don’t you? Maybe not all unicorn magic, but magic in some way or another. Well, I have absolutely no magical abilities at all. None of us humans do. Right here, what you see...” I gesture to my perfectly normal, clothed form. “Is all we are. No magic at all. As for lightning not killing... 10,000 people are killed by lightning strikes around my world each year and about 100,000 are injured.” This statement draws surprised gasps from everyone else in the room.

Twilight looked at me, baffled. “Well, what about the other races of your world? Or are human empires naturally isolationist?”

“You could say that, considering we’re the only sentient species on the entire planet. We are the only species capable of speech, non-instinct reliant thought, and the gift of tool making for pleasure. Why do you think I said I thought I was dreaming when I met a bunch of talking horses?”

“Well, I guess I just thought there weren’t any pony species in your world...” Twilight looked sad. “After all, if you were the first of your kind here, and you were so confused at first, it makes sense you’re from a world with different races in it. But I just figured it would be other primate-based races.”

“Nope. Anyway, I’d continue this, but perhaps later. You finish your slightly inaccurate educating of these precious young minds.” I boop her on the nose. She scrunches up her face, going cross-eyed behind her tiny glasses.

She sneezed lightly, in what was the most adorable version of that particular action I’d ever seen, and spoke up, her eyes returning to normal. “Well, actually, I’d just finished when you walked in. Children, if you want to go check out books, feel free to. We just got eight new copies of the new Daring Do book; Daring Do and the Temple of the Endless Meme!” the group of younglings scattered joyously to ransack the children’s section.

Twilight turned back to me, Spike having already settled into a wall nook with a book labeled, “Living with the Special Ponies”, and a small pile of books nearby, with titles such as, “Lesson Zero: When to tell Your Friends to Stop”, “Parallel Perpendicular: Living with ponies living with OCD”, and “The Classic Marevengers Ultimate Collection, volume 1, Comics 1-120”.

“So...” Twilight began. “You don’t have any other sentient races in your world? Or magic-users? How do you maintain basic entropic resistance across the world?”

“We don’t. We just have to live with the disasters, rebuild from the result, and bury our dead. People die Twilight. There’s no way to prevent that. Death in my world is a constant. Every single day, about ten thousand people die from some reason or another no matter where they are on the planet.”

Twilight looks horrified, and I wonder for a moment if maybe I threw her in the deep end a little fast. “Ten thousand? That’s more than the population of Manehattan a few times over! And Manehattan is our biggest city... how can your species survive that? How quickly do you breed?”

“Well, the typical gestation period for humans from conception to birth is nine months. And of course it’s more than a city! We cover our entire planet! There’s not just one continent for humans, the entire world is ours. When I say ‘our’ world, I mean that literally.”

“Wait, did you think Terra has only one continent? And how could you cover the entire planet? You’d need at least five million po- people to do that!”

“Convenient that, last I checked, our population was above six billion by quite a lot, then, isn’t it? If there’s an environment we can survive in, we’ll populate it. If we can’t inhabit it, we adapt to it by using tools and resourcefulness.

Twilight had gone from standing to sitting on her haunches, jaw wide in shock. “B-billion?” Her eye twitches, and she stops following my movements when I shift in place.

Spike, sitting in his nook, sighed ponderously. “I know that tone. Give her an hour or two and she’ll be coherent again. Unless it’s an emergency?” Spike hadn’t looked up from his book. It looked like he’d already gotten almost halfway through the thick textbook during our conversation.

I think for a moment, then grin. “Hah! I broke Twilight! Whoo, point one for me!”

“Not that hard, actually. I’m guessing it’s not an emergency, then? What did you drop by here for, anyways, looking to hang out?” Spike replies laconically.

“Actually, I came by to show off my electrical powers to Twi. Oh, and give her this.” I place “Lookinglass Gates” on her head, balancing it behind her horn. It slides off her dome. Several attempts later, I just hand it to Spike who looks it over, whose brow ridges go up in surprise. “Wow! A new copy; it’s hard to get a hold of these, they aren’t reprinted often, and none of the universities want to share theirs with, and I quote from a denial letter, a ‘mere backwater library’, regardless of the fact that this is the town that Celestia has visited more often in the last five centuries than any other.” Spike shrugged.

He turned it over a couple of times, tracing the blue-and-silver bands on the cover. “Wow, this is one of the Harper House’s prints; they use actual silver and platinum in these. How’d you afford this?”

“Got some money from Cadence while I was in Canterlot. She’s nice.”

Spike’s eyebrow-ridges raised again. “Wow! I knew she was awesome, she used to baby-sit me, but I didn’t know she’d shell out sixteen-hundred bits on a present for Twilight!”

“Uh, she didn’t. She gave me sixty bits. Most of that was spent on toys at the mall. The book was... let’s see, if I have six bits now, and the toys were... I got the book for four bits.”

Spike’s jaw drops. “What, was the cashier desperate or something?”

“Maybe, he looked really happy someone was buying anything. Well, anything but another Daring Do. How do you ponies stand that tripe, anyway?”

Spike looked indignant. “Daring Do isn’t tripe! She’s an excellent adventurer! And she saves the world a bunch of times, and even fought off the Notsees.”

“Notsees?” Notsees? Nazis? God. I enjoy fiction but... wow, that’s lame.

“Yeah, they were this big nation of the Monkey tribes that tried taking over the world. Their leader, Azure Hitter, was really obsessed with technological progress, but it’s mostly just sci-fi stuff, like steam boilers running on some secret metal. There was even something about someplace called the ‘Crystal Empire’, but Twilight hasn’t read that far. It’s some mythical place I think the author made up for the series. Supposedly, this metal radiates a secret fire, one of evil. Only crystal ponies were immune, which were ponies from the Crystal empire. It gets a little weird, but it’s a good series, I swear!”

“You shouldn’t swear, it’s not polite.” I smirk. “Anyway, I still don’t like it. So give the bookworm her gift when she wakes up. I’m gonna check on Ponyville, see if there’s anything I can help with.” As I leave, Spike waves me goodbye, and I see him pull out an origami crane, and prepare to carefully position it on Twilight’s horn. He’s probably had lots of practice at that.

Two weeks of constant labor passed easily. Even with my injured hand, it seemed that my cast was just like my clothes when I grew bigger so I was at least helpful as a giant, my arm in a mega-cast, hauling full cords of lumber under one arm like a boss. I could also haul one of the larger carts of stone or new thatch with one arm, like a giant rolling suitcase.

Every pony had a nice word or many to give me, sometimes detailing extensively how much they owed me for saving the town, or keeping the monster from tearing apart their homes. It was actually starting to get a bit annoying, because everypony keeps congratulating and thanking me. A few have even started bowing to me, stopping work dead in the process until I wave or tell them to get back to working. I wonder how the hell Celestia and Luna deal with this... oh yeah, they live in a castle secluded from the majority of the populace, which is making more and more sense by the hour. Lucky bitches.

Either way, Ponyville is looking much as it did before, and even that mare whose ribs were broken is back out of the hospital. Turns out, earth ponies regenerate over time as long as they keep physically stimulated by work. The explanation led to several blushes and stammered ‘that’s not what I meant!’ comments from Twilight when I pointed out what else is physically stimulating. I could practically feel Cadence trying to give me an air hoof-bump all the way from here.

That princess is the most innocent-looking, yet raunchy mare I’ve met. I’m so glad there are ponies here who aren’t so goddamn conservative.

As I was lounging outside the library, when a storm-gray pegasus with a straw-colored mane lands in the grass outside the library. She looks around for a moment, and I see her eyes have wandered in two separate directions, neither of them towards the library, which she begins walking towards confidently. A little head, lavender-gray with similar mane color as the pegasus, pokes out of one of the mare’s saddlebags, a pair of aviator goggles over the little pony’s face, while the pegasus wore a blue cap with a little winged golden thing on it.

I decide I should introduce myself to the pair. I stand up. “Heya, I haven’t seen you before. Who are you? And who’s your little carry-on there?”

The gray mare looks up at me, eyes both zooming forward to track me. The motion was a little hypnotic and fairly scary, with those two golden orbs sighting in on me. Then, the ‘creeped out’ feeling vanished as she smiled broadly, her eyes wandering again. “Hiya! I’m Ditzy, and I’m the mailmare. And this is Dinky, she’s my little muffin of joy!” Her smile is contagious, in a way even Pinkie’s isn’t. While Pinkie has a smile of joy and laughter, the smile of someone who told a funny joke and is basking in the laughter of friends, Ditzy has a smile that practically embodies happiness, of being utterly content with life. Then little filly saluted sharply, which was adorable, her face scrunched with seriousness.

“Well, hello there to you too.” I say, giving a polite bow. “So, I take it you two might have heard of me?”

Ditzy nodded happily. “You stopped that monster. If I hadn’t been able to fly, he would’ve k- hurt my muffin.” The stammer in her words is followed by a flicker of faded fear, but the expression doesn’t last long.

“Well, it seems like that’s what I’m here to do. I help ponies when nobody else can.” I shrug. “Although I can be a bit violent myself, I admit.”

Ditzy looks up at me, one eye wandering past as if tracking a fly buzzing past my face. “Nah, you’re not evil. You’re a good guy! Oh, and I have some mail for you.” She turned her head towards Dinky, who disappeared into the saddlebag. I heard papers moving, and then saw her pop her head out, a bunch of letters bound together with string floating in a pale, flickering gold aura. I saw that Dinky’s face, under her goggles, was scrunched up again, this time in concentration.

Taking pity on the kid, who was apparently a unicorn, not a pegasus like her mother, I take the letters. They’re surprisingly heavy, so I pat the unicorn filly on the head, earning a huge, proud smile from her. Her mother looks proud, too.

“Alright, let’s see what I get.” I begin untying the heavy bulk and fan out some of the letters. “I’m willing to bet it’s fan mail. Heh, Rainbow’s gonna bug out when she sees this.” I grin, thinking about our little ego-war.

The first letter was from a child, as evidenced by the crayon being used to write it. It was a thank you note, and said that he - the colt was named ‘Button Mash’, apparently - wished he would be as cool as me some day. Another was from Diamond Tiara, the annoying, mean filly from the school. Her letter said that she willing to tolerate my presence, which I think is a step up. One from a pony named ‘Filthy Rich’, who said he was Diamond’s dad, said that I had apparently saved not only his store, but his daughter. The first earned me a lifetime membership to the gold club, and the second earned me a thousand bits personally from him. There was a metal card proclaiming me a Gold Member for life included, with fancy gold filigree on the edges. Heh, Gold Member.

The next card after that was from a mare, who started it with a lipstick mark, and basically asked me to marry her. Nope. The next was the same thing, but in fancier writing. Nope again. The one after that was another child’s letter, saying that if I ever came by her house, she’d give me her favorite fluffy bunny Stuffy, because I was her hero. D’aaw. Another letter asking for marriage, this time in much more... explicit terms. Ugh, nope. One from a mare that was just being thankful, and offering to give me a ten-percent discount from her flower shop for life. Another was from the family I’d saved by swatting the demon away from them. They had enclosed an eight-hundred-bit bank note, and mentioned that they owned the local bank system, which ran as far as Canterlot and Manehattan, amongst other places.

Geez, and that was just the ones I opened at first, it was less than a third of the total pile. I looked up at Ditzy and Dinky, who were still standing there, waiting for something. I reach into my pocket and retrieve the pouch of bits. I hold out the six I have left. “I’m not sure if this is enough, it’s all I’ve got.”

“Hmm? Oh, all of these were already paid for, not BOD. Bits on Delivery is for packages only. I’m just waiting in case you want to reply to any of them.” Ditzy’s smile doesn’t fade, and Dinky nods affirmatively.

“Well, I’ll have to keep reading them and decide which ones to reply to, if any. I’ll just write response letters and you can pick them up later. I don’t want to keep you two.”

“Oh, alright. And you’ll need to take them to the Postal Center, we can’t do mail pickups, I’m afraid. There’s only me, Dinky, and Rush Job. Poor colt can’t seem to hold a job, I’m hoping this works better than carpentry for him.”

“Well, thanks anyway. I’ll bring my responses by, and you can take it from there. Have a good day, and good luck.”

Ditzy nods, then takes flight, Dinky giving one last adorably serious salute on the way, before diving back into the saddlebag. Heh, I like those two. Anyways, back to reading the letters...

Eighteen more marriage proposals, six love letters, two lust letters, and one instance of a particularly proactive Canterlot Noble offering his daughter in marriage to, and I quote, “Guide your rising star with the might of the Rutabaga House, binding our future fortunes together.” Those all got thrown away, except for the last. I think I’ll have it framed and laugh at it sometimes. What I find even more funny is the signatures from both the noble and his wife, and a note from the wife saying ‘I apologize for not being able to offer a more lovely future wife than my daughter, else I would.’ Bad parents, and I hope I can maybe help the girl find somewhere else to live.

I never would have imagined how many of these ponies wanted to be so romantic with me. Or merely jump my bones. Geez, it’s creepy.

However, some of the others were truly heartwarming. I have nearly two dozen letter from foals, some with their parent’s help, each one thanking me politely for saving them and their families. Some of them even offered me prized possessions, like stuffed animals, favored blankets, their coolest toys, etc. One letter from the orphanage - as in all the kids signed it, but the orphanage owner wrote it - said that me distracting the monster allowed the orphanage time to evacuate, as it would’ve been right along his path. I didn’t even know Ponyville had an orphanage, seeing as how few accidents and how much love for the children there is.

I even received, courtesy of the spa twins - there’s apparently also a high-end spa in Ponyville - a certificate for 50% off on whatever I wanted from them, because their parents are apparently in the retirement home. Cheerilee had written me a letter inviting me to come back anytime to be a guest of honor for any kind of presentation I’d like.

The list of total letters, many of them very personally kind, went on. One that caught my eye was an apology from a mare, named Berry Punch. It turns out she’s the mother of Noi, that little orange pony I’d worn as a hat back at my first introduction to the town. She was apologizing for being scared, of all things. If a random alien had decided to wear my child as a hat, I’d probably have freaked out as well, so I can understand. Anyways, her letter was an invitation to come to the bar she and her husband, Stoic Face, ran. It even included a little map of how to find the place.

Heh, sure. I make a point to visit them at some point. Though I wonder... what is the legal drinking age in Equestria? I’m not twenty-one yet... Eh, I suppose I could ask. “Hey Twilight, what’s the legal drinking age here?”

Twilight looks up from the book she was reading, titled, “BOOM! Population Growth Statistics”, and blinked a couple of times. “Huh? Oh, it’s sixteen if you’re an earth pony, nineteen otherwise.Why do you ask?”

“So... I’m not an Earth pony, so I guess that means it’s nineteen for me. Sweet, I’m legal!” I pump my fist.

“I, uh, I suppose. Gryphons usually start drinking at age fourteen, and dragons are immune to the intoxicating effects of alcohol, so they can drink whenever. It’s a good medium for their baby formula, especially the harder alcohols. It’ll dissolve pearls, which are the best for young dragons.”

“Dude... that is probably the most hardcore baby formula I’ve ever heard of! Vodka and gemstones? Damn.” I give Spike a look. “Lucky bastard.”

“I’m not allowed near sulphurous liquids until I’m at least four decades old, don’t envy me.” Spike replies, sounding a bit miffed.

“If you say so. Anyway, I got an invite to a bar, so I’m gonna see what you ponies have in the way of hard drinks... I wonder what would happen if I got drunk...”

Twilight looks thoughtful for a moment. “Well, if you get the chance, be sure to invite Rarity, she likes going bar hopping. It’d be a good chance to really get to know her.”

“As long as she doesn’t end up sounding like some of these letters, I’d say that’s great idea.” I pass one of the more lustful letters to Twilight. “I had no idea you ponies were so forward.”

Twilight curiously looks at the letter, her eyes flickering back and forth as she reads. Her cheeks go aflame as she reads the part explicitly stating where the writer wanted to have my face during the whole thing. It was written, by the way, by a stallion.

“How could somepony write something like that‽” She looks visibly revulsed. “Gross, gross, gross! Ugh, this this is why I never want to get married!”

Quoting a pony from before, I say, “Who said anything about marriage?”

Twilight’s facial expression was an absolutely priceless shade of purplish-red, and neither Spike nor myself could stop laughing.

Chapter 20

Still chuckling as I went to find the aforementioned postal office, then the bar, I wave hello to a few of the ponies who are resisting the apparently almighty urge to bow to their savior. I drop off my letter with the skinny colt at the post office, and he flicks his eyes across the addresses before casually flicking them across the room. I’m rather impressed when they each land in a separate cubby, each landing perfectly stacked with the others in those cubbies.

From there, I head towards the bar.

After finding The Frosty Mug, with only minor surface scorching from the fire, I step in, getting a warm reception. There’s a stallion behind the bar, face perfectly stoic. As I step in, he nods to me, no change in his facial expression. A couple of the bar patrons also wave before going back to their drinks. There’s only about eight in the decently-sized bar, all stallions, mostly earth ponies.

In one corner, at a much shorter table than the rest, with much brighter decor than the plain, walnut panelling on the rest of the bar, sits two fillies, each playing with stuffed animals, with a little pile of juice boxes next to them. One is Noi, the other is a filly I don’t recognize.

I decide to walk up as quietly as possible, and tickle Noi from behind. This should be good. I probably have an evil grin on my face as I approach the little orange filly.

The maroon filly sitting across from her looks up and sees me, then grins when she realizes my intent. Acting quick, the delightful little traitor distracts Noi with gesture, and I pounce. As I tickle the filly she laughs and giggles, and I even hear chuckles from the other bar patrons.

I continue tickling. “Rawr, the tickle monster has found you!” Man, fingers are awesome.

Eventually, she gives up, and the other filly looks happily smug. Deciding that it would be wholly unfair if Noi had all the fun, I tickle the other filly too, getting encouragement from Noi in the process.

Shrieks of laughter and flailing filly limbs are no match for my finger’s might and dexterity, and she collapses into a giggling lump as well. I watch as Noi pulls the maroon unicorn filly into a tight embrace, nuzzling her cheek.

“Ha, he got you too, sis.” Noi chuckles as she holds the pony that is apparently her sister.

“Nobody is spared from the tickle monster!” My evil laugh eventually becomes a naughty chuckle as I slow down, giving them a break. I turn to the other filly, thank her for finding my hat, and put Noi back on my head.

The orange filly giggles as I stand up, her little hooves on my shoulders, forelimbs wrapped around my forehead. I figure that since I’ve already met the rest of the little family, I should look for Berry Punch. She did invite me after all. I search around for a mare that the name might match with. Unfortunately, as I noticed before, there’s just a bunch of stallions. “Hey Noi, where’s your mom?”

The filly speaks up from atop my head, “This way!” and points with a hoof towards a door labeled ‘stock room’. I feel a tug on my pant leg.

I look down to address the other filly. “Do you want a ride, too?” I ask with a grin.

“Yeah! I can ride on one side, and Noi can ride on the other.” I can feel Noi nodding her agreement from the top of my head. Agreeing with the plan, I pick up the other filly, and place her on my shoulder while Noi shifts to the other shoulder. “And what’s your name?”

“I’m Ruby Pinch! But everypony calls me ‘Pinchy’.”

“Well, then let’s go find your mom, Pinchy.” I head over to the stock room and knock on the door.

From the other side, and down a ways, I hear a mare call out. “No customers in the stock room!” I think for a moment. I was planning on buying a drink, so, I suppose I counted as a customer... “Oh well, guess we just wait for her to be finished up down there.”

I can feel both fillies as they sigh unhappily. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the bartender, Stoic Face, walk over and gently just push the door open. He looks into the room, which goes down a short flight of wooden steps, and calls out, in a gruff voice. “Berry, Anthony’s here.”

“Well, send him down already! Don’t keep him waiting!”

Stoic just nods his head towards the open door, and I head back down the steps to meet the mother of my passengers.

Stepping into the stock room reminds me more of a low cellar. Due to pony physiology, they can build rooms with lower ceilings than humans can, but they tend to build them higher so that it feels more airy. This, however, was a four-and-a-half-foot room, even, so I had to disembark my passengers and crouch a bit. I continue until I see the mare. I’m really wishing my size-changing included shrinking. “Cozy place you got down here.”

The mare, a purple-red color with fruit on her flank, was busy stirring a vat that was set into the floor, numerous pipes extending along its side. It would seem I was fated to meet Fruit Salad again, only now I know her name is Berry Punch. Makes a bit more sense, seeing as how she’s in the midst of brewing up either some normal fruit punch or the base for something harder, the sweet scent of fruit pervading the entire cellar heavily.

“Hey, I’m almost ready to get this batch simmering. It’s going to be a couple bottles of watermelon-kiwi wine. Should at least be interesting to drink, and might win me the prize at the Winepress Competition in Arborvale in about five years. That prissy Pinot Noir isn’t gonna top me again. Anyways, just gimme a sec to get the batch moving. It’ll need to drain into the next tank to get started on the last step, and I can bottle it tomorrow- oh, sorry, I ramble when I work.” Berry shot me an apologetic glance, sparing another for the two fillies looking down into the vat from little step-stools on the side.

“Hey, no problem. I’m actually rather interested in how you guys make alcoholic drinks, honestly. Seems like it’s a similar method to the human way, but I’m sure you’ve got some differences.” I say, shrugging.

Berry nods. “Well, I’ll have to see if you like my Calamityberry or Magoberry drinks, we’ll see from there. Unless you prefer really hard stuff. If so, I’ll let you try out a Kelpsyberry Extract. Stuff beats out that gryphon potato-swill any day.”

The mare grabbed a lever bar almost a long as she was, and grunted, moving it into place. I could see the muscles in her legs rippling through her coat and along her back. she wiped some sweat from her forehead as some of the bright copper tubes began to clang and gurgle gently.

“Need a some help with that? Not sure how much leverage I can get on it, but I could try if you like.” I offer

“Nah, I got it. It’s only two-hundred and fifty pounds resistance, tops.” She replies so casually it’s shocking

“Dang, you horses are strong. And here I thought I was the toughest guy around!”

“Hey! Watch the H-word! There are fillies in there!” Berry gives me the most terrifying look of all: Angry Mom.

“Oh... I didn’t know that was a curse in your culture. To us humans, a, er, H-word is a term for a larger pony.”

“Well, that’s messed up. It’s an old Gryphon curse word, basically calling us stupid. I hear that many of the draft ponies from those lands use it as a privilege word, but I don’t like it, and neither do most ponies.”

“Ah, well, I guess I’ve been insulting you guys a lot more than I thought. I honestly don’t mean any harm, it’s just... another word for ‘pony’ to me, honestly.” I decide not to mention that pony is more of a second word for horse, as that could be a disaster. I’ll have to ask Twilight about more of this society. “So, I guess I should find out what you guys consider ‘hard’ drinks. I’ve had alcohol, but I’ve mostly stayed with our light stuff.”

Berry began leading me and the fillies back up to the main room, and we all got seats at the bar itself, Berry’s being on the opposite side from me. Looking me in the eyes, she asks, “Well, do you prefer it sweet, sour, bitter, strong, or do you want something with a bite to it?”

I give it some thought. Something sweet might be nice, but it could cover up how strong it is, which isn’t what I want, but I don’t want it to taste bad... “Let’s see what you ponies mean when you say strong.”

“How strong you thinkin’? I thought you wanted to sample first?”

“Hmmmm, good point. Alright, fine. Sour.” I’ve been able to handle some pretty sour stuff in the past. This shouldn’t be too hard to take.

“Alright, one Ghost-Buster, coming up.” she says, her husband pulling down a bottle labeled with a strange, purple fruit from the shelf. The stallion, using nothing but his hooves and wings, swept up a shotglass and the bottle, popping the top and filling the glass in one smooth motion. I hadn’t even noticed the wings on the brick-colored pony, but the guy sure knew his bartending, as the glass slid perfectly into my grip.

Heh, Ghost-Buster? Nice name, but how sour could this be? I raise the shotglass to my lips and drink it down in one gulp. It was surprisingly strong. I definitely could tell how sour it was. To be more exact, I feel like I just swallowed a stick of dynamite, mid-boom. “Woah! Uh, dang... that’s impressive stuff...” I exhale sharply, trying to calm down the nerve endings in my tongue.

“Heh, maybe you’d like something sweeter? I’ve got a Sweet Apple Sangria chilling in the fridge, or I can bust out a Mago Mash, your choice.” Berry shrugs. “Both are rather sweet.”

Since I don’t know what a ‘Mago’ is, I decide to give that a try. This place doesn’t seem to water down it’s stuff, that’s for sure. Another smooth motion from Stoic and a light pink drink in a shotglass slides perfectly in front of me, right next to my hand. That bartender is good.

Being a bit more cautious this time, I decide to just take a sip from the glass, just to give it a taste. Well, that’s definitely a new flavor to me. Some sort of tropical fruit mix. Mango and... something else. It’s not bad, but I don’t really taste any alcohol. It’s there, but still fairly subtle. I like it, so I finish it. “Okay, yeah. You ponies have some tough stuff, but this is really good.”

“Well, wanna try my signature drink?” Berry asks.

“Hmmm... alright, but I think I’ll take it slow.” I grin sheepishly, the ghost-buster having given me an idea of just how tough their stuff could get. “Let’s sample whatever your house special is.”

She begins pulling out multiple bottles, mixing and matching them one by one, sometimes re-adding one after another’s been added. She then carefully plucks a single neon-blue berry from a dish in a small freezer behind the bar, dropping it into the rather normal-sized glass. The whole thing is like an impressionist painting done by a color-blind clown. A series of bright, clashing colors swirl gently throughout the glass, refusing to mix in the slightest. Dead in the middle, the blue berry is hanging suspended exactly halfway down the glass. After a moment, I realize the drink is glowing enough to light up the nearby bartop. About the time I notice this, I see a band of silvery, mercury-like liquid float past, swirling like it’s the start of a sideways hurricane.

“I give you, the Berry’s Punch. Careful, it’ll knock you flat if you don’t take it slow.” With a serious nod of understanding, I bring the drink to my lips and take a very cautious sip. It’s definitely impressive, but I taste practically no alcohol in it. But it’s definitely very refreshing. It’s very cold, and pretty good. But even if I can’t taste alcohol doesn’t mean it’s not there, so I take another drink, but I keep it slow. What? This isn’t... I look back at the drink. It hasn’t changed, nobody swapped it for another... but it tastes completely different! Still good, still cool and enticing, but a completely different flavor! This one is spicy, but not enough to burn.

“That’s amazing. Two flavors in one drink? Nice job!”

“Only two? You wound me, taste it again.” Berry urges, grinning.

I take another drink. Waffles!? Holy crap, this is freaking magic! I take another drink. I don’t know what it is, but it’s fruity. Not quite like the Mago drink, but still just as interesting.

“Woah, slow down there, guardsman! That’s ninety-four proof!” Berry warns me, chuckling slightly.

My eyes go wide! “Holy... this is incredible. Magic alcohol. Heh, nice job. But uh... I think I’ll take the rest home. Not sure if I want to finish it all here. I don’t know my limit yet.”

“Well, finish it in the next two hours, or the Frostberry in there will evaporate, and the drink’ll go bad, real quick. If you can’t see any blues in there, it’s a dead drink. Do come back, though. You saved my family. The least I can do is treat you to a good drink every once in a while. But you have to pay for the next of those, it’s normally an eighty-bit drink, and you got a double-sized glass.”

“I’d believe it, that stuff’s fantastic! I don’t know how you did it but... Dang, why aren’t you guys famous?” I ask, shocked I hadn’t heard there being magic drinks until just today.

“Oh, I’m famous alright, but I like living here in Ponyville, anonymous. Whenever I go out for sales or appearances elsewhere, I have to go with my cutie-mark disguised so I can have some peace at home. Fame is great, but peace and quiet is priceless. Especially with two kids. I’m still working on my winemaking skills, though.”

“I’d believe it. Anyway, thanks for this. I’m definitely gonna come back.” I look back at the drink. Goddamn my curiosity. I take another small sip. Heh, tastes like cotton candy. I put the drink back on the counter, and wave goodbye to the fillies. Maybe being the town idol won’t be so bad... as long as I avoid the kinkier residents. Stoic hands me a closable bottle filled with my drink as I get ready to leave. Awesome. I try to ignore my curiosity though, I don’t wanna end up wasted. But...

I take another sip, minorly disappointed that it tastes like cotton candy again. It makes me think of Pinkie again, and... goddamnit Cadence!

I realize I was going to let Rarity join me, but had forgotten. Well, I suppose I can make up for it with this stuff. What was it again? Oh yeah, Berry’s Punch. I head off to Carousel Boutique, getting a few friendly waves from various ponies along the way. It’s incredible. A month ago, I couldn’t go anywhere without getting a slightly-scared double take. Now I’m a hero!

I wonder if I’d get some respect in Canterlot if I saved those stuck up, ritzy bores, too... Heh, nah. I’m probably not going to get that lucky. Since the drink I’m carrying has an expiration timer and I don’t really need to walk, I decide to speed up. Nothing major, just twice my normal speed. It’ll be a bit tiring, but with the distance I’ve covered already, the worst I’ll get is needing a few deep breaths.

I could cut the distance even shorter by phasing through houses, but I don’t want to cause a ruckus unless it’s an emergency, so I just continue along the path through town. I get up to Rarity’s house-slash-place of business and walk in. Rarity turns to greet me and stops when she sees who it is. “Ah, Anthony, how can I help you today?”

“Actually, I have something to share with you.” I say, indicating the bottle.

“Oh? How kind of you! I was working on some dresses for an order, but my muse seems to have wandered off. I think I have an hour or two for your company.” She explained, motioning towards a couch for me to sit on. When I did, she joined me, sitting on a large nearby cushion. “So, darling, what is- oh!”

I place the bottle on the table. “This was a gift for my ‘Heroic actions’ earlier. I intended to bring you with me on Twilight’s advice, but it completely slipped my mind.”

“My, my, Ms. Punch parted with one of her precious Berry’s Punches? You certainly did make an impression on her! Oh, I do wish you had brought me along, it’s been so long since I’ve had one of her Mago Slushes, they’re simply divine.” Rarity gushed over the drink, gently levitating it into the air before her. “Ooh, I simply must get out the good shotglasses. Give me one moment, darling.”

“Of course. I expect we still have about an hour and forty minutes before it goes bad. I made quite the effort to get here quickly. Didn’t want this to spoil.”

Rarity nodded in agreement, transporting the travel-bottle with her as she went towards what I assume is her kitchen. I sit on the couch, twiddling my thumbs for about a minute before I began to wonder what was up. Then, Rarity returned to the room. She hadn’t simply grabbed the shotglasses, she’d also taken the time to apply some extra makeup and put on a long, dark blue dress. It was a simple one, but I had to wonder why she felt it was necessary.

“I hope you don’t expect the same as some of my fans, Miss Rarity...” I grin. Then I realize she wouldn’t understand my meaning. “I got plenty of letters asking for marriage, among other things. These ponies certainly like me a lot now.” I look at her expectantly.

For a moment, she doesn’t appear to get it, before a crimson blush begins to work its way onto her cheeks. “Those barbarians! Throwing themselves at you like you’re a piece of meat.” She shakes her head unhappily. “So uncouth.”

“Haha. I don’t mind, honestly. After all, it’s not going to happen, so I don’t let it bother me any. But seriously, why all dressed up? You plan on inviting some others as well?”

“Darling, I may be the element of Generosity, but even I can be a little selfish sometimes.” She bats her eyelashes innocently. “And while I may want to simply snatch these two fine tumblers of sweet panacea and hide in my workshop until I am well and truly soaked... I am still a lady, and must comport myself as such. Here, take your glass, and we shall enjoy each other’s company. This is a drink to be savored, not merely gulped.” She paused for a moment, looking over my clothes. “Also, I’ll be needing you to remove your clothes later anyways. I have two sets of replacement clothes, since I saw you wear them all the time. I do hope you like them, darling.”

“I’m sure I will, but for now, let us enjoy this drink, and hope that it is the only thing we end up enjoying.” I give a wink. I know she understands I have no interest in her, so I feel comfortable at least making the suggestion in a joking manner.

“That’s alright dear, I’m fine simply basking in this lovely drink’s glow. Besides, I can’t go throwing myself at you; I already have my sights set on another wonderful young gentlecolt, you know.” She smiled encouragingly, as she raised the first glass as if for a toast.

I raise mine as well before taking a sip, grinning. “And who might that be?”

She takes a sip as well, mmm’ing at the flavor. “Now, now, a lady doesn’t simply tell her secrets. She barters them. I’ll spill something if you can spill something of equal value as well.” Her smile is warm, yet smug.

“Hmmmm... let’s see. I have plenty of stories from before I came to Equestria. Unfortunately, I don’t think those would count, as they no longer apply.” I took another sip. Mmm, raspberries, reminds me of home.

“I should think not, dear. I’ve heard over the grapevine that you’ve met with Princess Cadence. I don’t know much about her. How about you... fill some holes for me?” Her quirked eyebrow shows she knew exactly what she said, and fully expects me to get flustered over it. Well, it won’t work! Even now, she’s taking another sip.

“Ah, Miss Rarity, your attempt to undermine my composure will not work today. Although I will oblige. What would you like to know about the Alicorn of Love?” I take another sip, tasting cottage cheese and honey. Still no weird combinations.

“Oh, darling, I’m not trying to undermine anything. Though if I do, please be sure to tell me, I’d love to know.” She paused for a moment and took another sip. “I suppose anything about what she’s like would be nice. I was tricked by a changeling impersonating her once, knowing more would be... well, I suppose that’s a bit of a foolish reason. The changelings were scattered to the winds at the end of the wedding; I doubt many survived. I suppose it’s just curiosity. What do you know of the third Princess?”

“Well, now that changelings have been brought up, I have much more information to offer, later.” I take another sip, and enjoy the sweet flavor of marshmallow. “For one, Cadence finds the life of a princess a bit boring, and sneaks away from her escorts on a regular basis. I met her when she approached me at a cafe. She was wearing an outfit that completely covered every inch of her, save for her horn!” I chuckle at the bit of gossip. Now I know why those girls in High School did it constantly, it’s fun. I take another sip, and this time it’s raw mushrooms. Earthy, but tasty.

Rarity giggles demurely, taking a sip and grimacing slightly. Must’ve hit a flavor she didn’t like. “She sneaks away from her guards? Well, that’s certainly scandalous. Not quite enough for the secret of mine... maybe something else of value?”

I think for a moment, taking another sip. Blueberry. A bit normal, but not bad. “Well, for a princess, she’s probably one of the least formal ponies I’ve met.” I take one more sip before continuing. Kind of buttery, but I don’t really know what it is. “She’s almost as vulgar as I am, no lie. She certainly has a habit of making some rather dirty comments.”

The white mare gives a naughty titter, saying, “Oooh, now that’s what I’m talking about. Very juicy, indeed, I think I knead a few of those into more... palatable rumors for later.” Rarity took a sip, her smile even reaching her eyes. “Well, I suppose I should share. You see, I have a wee little bit of a crush on-” Rarity was suddenly interrupted by a loud crash from the next room over startling us both. From that room, which I assumed was the kitchen, issued forth Sweetie’s voice. “I didn’t do it! I swear, it was already falling when I came in!” Her little voice cracked in alarm, but it was a pretty transparent lie.

Rarity, looking utterly peeved, storms towards the kitchen, her drink only half-finished. I begin to edge out of the building as I hear Rarity begin to stage-whisper angrily to Sweetie Belle. I feel a little bad, but Sweetie’s little voice is certainly rivalling Rarity’s, at least in levels of shrillness. As the two kept arguing, I excused myself. I’ve been around too many arguing pairs of children/adults to really want to be around this pair. They might not be inclined to get violent, but their voices were starting to hurt my ears.

A few minutes of standing outside later, an angry Sweetie Belle flops out of the cat flap on the front door, right next to me. She stomps a couple of times, before looking up at me. Almost instantly, she appears to brighten up. “Anthony! I was just looking for you!”

“Yeah, sure you were. Now be honest, what fell and broke?”

“I didn’t break open the cookie jar, honest!” Sweetie’s eyes were huge and staring, as if to deter my gaze from her question.

“I asked what broke, not who broke it.” I give Sweetie a grin. “Seriously, if you want to be a good liar, you’ll need more practice.”

I kneel down so I’m at eye level with Sweetie. “First lesson, avoid suspiciously specific denial. Pay attention to what is asked and respond calmly. Second, keep eye contact with the person you are lying to. If your gaze shifts or you appear nervous, they’ll know you’re lying. Third, the ‘cute face’ might work now, but in about five years, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not telling the truth.”

Sweetie pouted at the ground, scuffing a little circle in the dirt, her ears flat back, making her the perfect picture of sad and remorseful. Too perfect an image, in fact, especially when I saw her eyes flick back to me. She almost had me, though, for a moment.

“Lesson four: If you put on an act that involves breaking eye contact, do not, I repeat, do not look back at them, that’s a sign that you want to know their reaction. Another sign of dishonesty. But you are good at this, kid.”

I pick her up in my left arm, cradling her like a bunny. “And whatever you do, don’t tell people how good or bad you are at lying. Admitting you lie is fine, though, everyone lies. Another thing, don’t tell anybody who told you how to be a better liar? Can I trust you to not tell anyone?”

Sweetie nodded happily, and nuzzled my neck. Her short, fluffy fur is almost exactly like rabbit fur; gloriously soft and short.

“So.” I began again. “You said you were looking for me, what did you want with me?”

“I have a surprise for you!” She jumps to the ground, and runs off. “Come on!”

“Oh crap...” I take a few steps and feel slightly dizzy. Woah, guess I had more of that Punch than I thought... But I suppose I should follow after the filly. Even though doing so would probably end bad for me.

So it seems that we are heading to the CMC clubhouse. Along the way, we pick up Scootaloo and Applebloom. They all know what this secret they have for me is, but won’t say.

“Why do I get the feeling I might regret this?” I ask

“Because you’re a scaredy-cat.” comes Scootaloo’s response to my rhetorical question.

I chuckle, almost stumbling over a rock. “No I’m not, I just don’t trust you any farther than I can throw you!”

“Hmmmm... Ah’ve got a great idea fer somethin’ we can try fer our Cutie Marks tomorrow!” I facepalm.

“I’m not going any further until you tell me what this surprise is.” I sit down on the ground, arms crossed in defiance. Then the fillies give me a different surprise. The three of them have grabbed my leg and are now dragging me to the clubhouse!

In my slightly inebriated state, I can only think of one thing to say. “Help! I need an adult!”

Scootaloo replies, her wings fluttering like mad as she drags me. “You are an adult.”

“I need a responsible adult!”

“Sorry, fresh out of those.”

My fuzzy mind couldn’t fault the logic, and gave up trying.

Chapter 21

I am being dragged through the trees by the three vilest demons Hell could possibly spawn. And they’re giggling. This is the advent of my demise. I can’t believe these three could be so strong! Eventually we get to the clubhouse, and they let go to rush inside. When they return in a few seconds, they are holding an amateurishly wrapped gift. Still on the ground, I stare at the gift in my hands. I look up at the three fillies, and what I see chills me to the bone. They’re smiling.

This is it. This is where I die. I wince as I untie the present’s bow. Nothing yet. Whatever it is, I have to open the box... I sigh, resigning to my fate, and peel off the shoddily applied tape and reach inside. It feels... somewhat soft. It’s... clothes?

I pull the object out and hold it up. It’s a big, human shirt in roughly my size. it’s a sort of maroon red with the CMC emblem on the front.

“Rarity helped us make it just for you!”

“We were gonna make it a cape like ours but there wasn’t ‘nuff gold silk, so we made a shirt!”

“But now you have something to wear when we’re all Crusading!”

I look at the fillies, smiling, waiting for my approval of their gift. Oh screw it. “This is fantastic!” I reach down to grab them in a hug, but Scootaloo backs up a bit. “Uh, I’ll pass.”

Eh, whatever. I grab the other two though, and hold them in my arms. I can feel them try to hug me back, their hooves just barely too short to get around my shoulders. Scootaloo just stands there, looking away, acting indifferent.

After a bit, I put Applebloom and Sweetie Belle back down, and thank them for the gift. The two of them head back to the clubhouse. When they’re back inside, I grab Scoots before she can move and I give her a hug as well.

“Hey stop! Put me down, I-”

“Nobody has to know.” I hug her a bit harder, and after a moment, Scootaloo gives up and snuggles into my embrace. After a few more seconds I set her back down on the ground and ruffle her mane. “Remember, I don’t think you are any less cool because of that.”

She blushes slightly. “Th- thanks. Uh, I gotta go.” Before she gets to the doorway she turns around and waves. “Bye Anthony!”

I wave back and leave for Ponyville, a happy smile on my face, and the new shirt under my right arm. If those three do end up being the end of me... I guess it wouldn’t be the worst way to go.

I make my way to Golden Oaks, and a few more ponies wave my way. I guess this is the life of a hero. I wish I could have some sort of disguise to wear so I could be a hero and still be treated like a normal person... except that I’m a person. Oh well, I don’t really mind being famous as a good guy I suppose, I certainly have plenty of admirers. On the other hand, there are the more overzealous ponies. I suppose I could make a speech to all of Ponyville about that, but I’d also have to stop the letters from Canterlot, Manehattan and all the other places in Equestria.

I sigh. I could probably at least stop the love letters from the local ponies for now and work on other towns and cities later on. I walk into the library and I see Twilight poring over the book I got her. She looks very happy.

“I’d suggest you write down what you learn in there in case you forget.” I saw as I pass by her

Twilight looks up from her book. “Anthony! Oh thank you so much for this! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!” She prances in place, similar to a happy Pinkie and it’s a bit odd from the straight-edged scholar

“Aww, it wasn’t any trouble, and I have been kind of a jerk to you. But don’t think I’m gonna quit, I like you too much to let you get bored.” I remind her as I sit down next to her.

She sighs lightly and rolls her eyes. “I suppose I’ll just have to ignore you then.”

I chuckle. “Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, I’m serious, write down anything you think is important, you’ll want notes.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Well, we don’t want anything to happen to that book, but I’m sure the information would be useful.”

“Well, yeah... but what could happen to the book?”

“Do you have a copy of Blueish’s Bestiary?” I ask, ignoring the question.

“I got it! Just a sec.” Spike says, and he starts climbing up the shelves.

Twilight groans. “Anthony, what are you talking about? Why do you need that? What could happen to my book?”

I shrug. “Well, you never know what might happen in Wunderland, it would help to be prepared.”

“Prepared... why? Prepared for what?”

I ruffle her mane. “Prepare for Wunderland, you silly pony. Cadence and I have made plans to go at some point, and you and Pinkie are invited.”

Twilight’s eyes go wide and twinkly, as her hooves come up to her face in a perfect look of happy surprise. “Really!?”

I give her a big smile. “Yep, once I get this cast off, we’re gonna take a month to prepare, then we’re gonna go visit Wunderland.”

Twilight proceeds to yell happily, jumping between her front and hind legs. “I’m going to Wunderland! This is perfect!” She leaped towards me and gave me a big hug. Then she realized that she had, and jumped back off of me. “Er, ahem, yes, well, thank you. I will be looking forward to this trip.”

Spike walks over, barely able to carry the huge tome in his arms. I pick it up and it’s really heavy. “Yep, so am I, and as such, we should study as much as we can to avoid any unfortunate events.”

“I agree completely!” Twilight said, letting out another happy giggle, and muttering a quiet “Yes!”

I like ‘happy’ Twilight a lot better than ‘angry’ or ‘annoying’ Twilight. Much more adorable. I set down the bestiary on the center table across from Twilight, and I see fan mail, reminding me of the other issue I had to deal with. “Actually Twilight, I’m going to attend to another task. I need to get at least Ponyville to stop sending me raunchy letters.” Twilight nods, a blush on her face remembering the letter I had her read earlier.

I head off to Town Hall to tell the mayor about my intention, bringing a sample letter as an example. Luckily, getting everyone together shouldn’t be hard, as I plan on enlisting Pinkie Pie, and I’m sure news about the ‘Great hero’ having a public statement to make should spread quickly. But first, the mayor. “Good afternoon, ma’am.”

The tan-and-gray pony looks up at me, smiling. “Ah, hello Anthony, what a pleasure it is to see you again. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

“Yes, there is. I would like to make a public statement to the town.”

“I...” her brows furrow, but she nods in slow acquiescence, “see...”

“Don’t worry, I’m serious about the speech, it is not related at all to any bets I’ve made and lost.”

The mare visibly relaxes. “Very well, then. What is the purpose of this speech?”

“Well, my rise in popularity has led many ponies to send me gifts and write letters of admiration. Unfortunately I have also received plenty of letters that I would like to tell the ponies that I do not wish to receive any more of them.” As usual, I seem to slip into ‘legal speech’ when in a building of high office. I really don’t know why, I just do.

“I see, and what sort of letters are these?”

Rather than explain, I just hand her the letter I brought as an example, and she looks it over. “Oh my... I... I can see why you might wish to stop these sorts of letters. I will grant your request.” she gives a growl under her breath, and shakes her head. “Honestly, some ponies... I know our little town isn’t very cultured but I assure you, not all of us are like this!”

“I know. That was from Canterlot.” The mayor’s eyes go wide and she’s speechless. “I’m going to be addressing other areas of Equestria as well, at a later date. Now, I will get help with rounding up everyone in town.”

“R- right.”

I make my way to Sugarcube Corner.

About half an hour later, everyone is gathered at town hall. None of them were told what for, just that I had an announcement to make. I walk up onstage, and all the ponies cheer, clapping in their pony way by stomping the ground. It feels... nice. I hold up my hands and in a few moments, they’ve all quieted down. I realize the podium is much too short for me, so I decide to just hold the microphone to my mouth

"Hello everyone." I wait calmly for the various cheers to die down before continuing. "I appreciate all the praise you give me for my heroic actions, but there is an issue I must address." I clear my throat. "Many of you have sent me letters of admiration and even gifts, and I thank you all for your generosity. However, some of you have sent me letters of a more intimate nature. Whether it be a marriage proposal, or requesting that I 'bed' the sender..."

Some ponies chuckle, others blush, a few shift their gaze nervously. "I would like to inform you all that I have absolutely no interest in being intimate in any way with ponies. And before you ask, yes, that covers the princesses as well." I pause, letting all I've said sink in.

"Understand I have no problems with making new friends, but I will not accept any suitors or offers of sexual interaction. I don't do ponies." The crowd makes various short statements of understanding and agreement. I continue.

“Now, I know that not all of these questionable letters have come from Ponyville, so I will be visiting other towns and cities, spreading this message.”

Someone raises their hoof and asks a question. “But what happens if another monster comes by while you’re gone? Who will save us?”

I facepalm. “Need I remind you that you live with the holders of the Elements of Harmony?”

Rainbow Dash flies up from the crowd and lands next to me, facing the crowd. “Yeah! We’ve fought our share of monsters, we can handle Ponyville, no sweat!”

I return my attention to the crowd. “See? You have plenty of heroes living right here, you can rest assured that you will always be protected by these brave ponies... And Rainbow Dash.”

“Hey!”

My speech done, and Ponyville now aware of my sexual disinterest, I decide to check on Fluttershy, and simply leave the stage. I haven’t talked to her since I was committed, so I might as well see how she’s doing.

I make my way towards her cottage, it’s a bit far though, so I decide to speed up a bit. I make decent time, getting to her front door in about five minutes. I knock on the door, and wait for the usual slow, cautious hello.

Instead, a thin slot opens in the door, and a pair of fearful, cyan eyes look out, sweeping back and forth until they settle on me. Almost like magic, the fear disappears, and Fluttershy opens the door. “Anthony! You’re up and about! Ooh, are you in pain? Do you need help? Come in, you can lay down on the couch.” Fluttershy seems worried about something, in my estimation.

“If it’s about my cast, I’m perfectly fine, ‘Shy. As long as I don’t bang my arm, there’s no problem.” That said, it’s been two weeks, and it’s not ‘half healed’. The estimate seems to have been rather off.

She sucks in a breath of relief. “Oh, thank goodness... oh, but please, come in. I was about to start dinner. Did you need something?”

“Nah, I just came by to say hi, see how you’re do-”

“I’m fine!” Shy’s response was rather too quick, especially for the shy pegasus, and her grin was a little too forced. Instead of the small, pleasant smile I was used to, I’m instead getting the full cheshire treatment again. What is it with ponies and giving disturbingly large smiles to me?

“Jeez, and I thought Sweetie Belle was a bad liar.” I muttered, before continuing, louder. “Alright, what are you hiding?” I walk inside.

Fluttershy looks rather worse for wear once I’m inside. There’s faint patches under her eyes, as if she hasn’t been sleeping so well, and her movements are a little more jittery than normal, which also feeds back to the not-sleeping prognosis. Several animals are standing protectively near her, but aren’t doing more than giving me dirty looks for disturbing their mistress.

“So what’s wrong? You don’t look so good. You have a cold?” I decide to play dumb, see if she’ll admit her troubles.

“I- uhm... n-no...” Suddenly, her eyes are full of tears, and she’s stuck like a limpet to my chest, bawling her eyes out. “W-why would somepony be so me-hee-hee-ean?” Her tearful question was broken by her sudden and strong crying.

“Who, Fluttershy? Who’s being mean? What did they do?”

“Th-that monster you had t- to- t- k- k- to kill.” She sniffled, a loud messy affair with all the snot dribbling from her nostrils. I didn’t even want to think about what Rarity was going to do to me when she saw the crusty remains of this. “He j- just hurt ponies, and now Rumble’s dad isn’t going to walk ever again...”

“Well... he was... a demon. They don’t exist in my world except in fiction, but they are evil. They hurt and kill people for the sole sake of causing pain and misery. Some stories say doing so makes them stronger and meaner.” I curled my arms around her protectively, trying to help her feel better by patting her on the back. “That thing... he was human once. And, I suppose that he still was in a way. Just one that was sick in the head.”

She looked up at me, eyes still watery and nose still snotty. “H- humans get like that when you’re sick?” I noted the pronoun change, and paired with the increase in pressure from her grip.

“No, not naturally. There was something that made him change. When I said he was sick, I meant he was disturbed... er, well.” I sigh. “He was insane. His brain was messed up. Humans are... violent by nature. We fight and hurt others, but most of us have moral standings that tell us hurting others is wrong.” I look down at the ground. “But that person had a different moral standing... he enjoyed killing and hurting. I don’t know how he became a monster like that, but there are people like that in my world, but they’re still normal humans on the outside. We call them psychopaths.”

Fluttershy was still crying, but calmed down. “So... you won’t end up like that?”

“No, I won’t, but I guess that’s an example of what evil humans can become if given the chance. We aren’t all nice, but most of us try to be.”

Fluttershy looked a bit sad, still having tears in her eyes, but she wasn’t crying anymore. “W- would you like to stay for dinner?” The way she says it tells me she’s really asking not to be left alone.

“I’d like that a lot.” I give her a gentle squeeze and set her down and she leads me to the table. In a few minutes, we’re sitting down with plates of fish salad and talking about animals. “I have to say, as much as I like mammals, I’ve always found reptiles and amphibians fascinating.”

“Oh?” she asks, composure returned for the most part by the duties of being host.

“Yeah, I even spent a few months at a nonprofit center that took care of hurt or homeless frogs toads, turtles and tortoises.”

“Oh I just love turtles!” she says, smiling at me from over the counter. “Aren’t they adorable?”

“Yeah, and they make the cutest faces, even if some people don’t think they have emotions.”

“Perhaps they just need to get to know the turtles, they show plenty of emotion.”

“I agree. But as for the most adaptable creatures, I’d have to say birds.” I say, as I take another bite.

“Really?” she asks, conversationally. “Why’s that?”

We continue our chat all throughout our meal and even a while after that. Before we know it, it’s nighttime. I offer to stay the night to keep her company, and she agrees completely. She didn’t want me to be walking around near the Everfree forest at night. I mentally question why she lives so close to the forest once more, but I assume she has her reasons so I don’t bother asking. At least not this time. Fluttershy sets up a place for me to sleep on the couch, but I decide to stay with her in her room until she falls asleep.

I don’t know any lullaby’s and I can’t sing anyway, so I just decide to use a bedtime story instead. I read Howard the Fluffy Bunny until she’s asleep. Once I finish the story, I take a look at the sleeping pegasus.

She’s all tucked in, her hooves partly above the covers, a small sweet smile on her face. Seeing her peacefully sleeping like that makes me feel... really nice. She’s safe, her worries are over, and she can rest easy. I give in to the moment and give her a gentle kiss her on the forehead before I get up to leave. I take one last look at her from the doorway. She's absolutely adorable...

I head downstairs and to the couch. It took a lot of effort to convince ‘Shy that I was perfectly fine with just the couch. I wasn’t even sure if we could both fit in her bed anyways. I pull up my blanket, and eventually I drift off to sleep.

I wake up when I feel something on my chest. I groggily open my eyes and suddenly I see a pair of very angry eyes staring at me.

“Woah!” I roll over and end up face-first on the floor, my nose hurts but I’m awake. I look up and I see the same pair of angry eyes, this time accompanied by a smug grin attached to the body of a small white rabbit, it’s tiny arms folded in superiority.

I got punked, by a fucking rabbit! I pick him up and plan on cooking myself some bunny breakfast, but then Fluttershy walks in. “Oh, there you are, Angel! Saying hello to Anthony?”

I sigh inwardly. I can’t do this to one of Fluttershy’s animal friends. I just put the rabbit back on the ground and he hops towards Fluttershy, and she picks him up, cradling him like a baby. “I was about to make some breakfast, would you like to join me, Anthony?”

“Breakfast sounds nice. Of course I’ll join you.”

“Alright, what would you like?” I think for a moment, but the I just give her a shrug.

“Surprise me, I’m not picky.”

Fluttershy nods and walks to the kitchen to prepare our meal. After a few minutes ‘Shy calls me to the table.

“I wasn’t sure exactly what you’d like, so I hope this is okay.” She puts a plate in front of me and it’s a large omelette. It smells absolutely incredible. Peppers, mushrooms, cheese, onions, tomatoes... the only thing it didn’t have was ham, but that’s forgivable, given Fluttershy’s opinion on eating pigs.

“Do you like it?” she asks, nervously shifting in place.

“This is perfect, ‘Shy.” I give her a quick hug and begin my meal. It’s even better than I expected, and by the time I’m finished, I feel the urge to ask for another, quelled only by the fact that I’m full. We continue chatting about animals and such while she eats.

“You know so much about animals, have you ever thought of becoming a professional veterinarian?”

“Oh, no!” she shakes her head vehemently, or at least with some vigor. “I couldn’t expect money for helping all of these animals!”

“Alright, if you say so. I just think you’d do an amazing job.”

After a while, I decide it’s time I left. I thank Fluttershy for the omelette again and walk out the door, heading for Carousel Boutique. I hadn’t forgotten about that bit of information Rarity had promised me. Now I really want to know.

Unfortunately, it’s still rather early in the morning, so I decide to find something to do until it’s a more acceptable hour. I then remember I’m out of coal. Not even half a lump for emergencies. I head over to the train station. I had already kind of quit my job there a while ago, I just didn’t really need the money as much as I thought. Perhaps the best gift I could have received as a hero would be an unlimited use free train pass to wherever the trains went.

I’ll think about how I could get one later. For now...

I get on the train and sneak some coal out. Turning it all into dust, I manage to pack about four and a half lumps into my pouch. Satisfied that I should have enough for at least medium-sized tools, I take my leave. There’s honestly not much to do this early in the morning, so I just end up walking around town, trying to think of something I could do to pass the time.

Looking in each direction, I decide to simply start walking down a randomly chosen street. there’s much fewer ponies on this road, and I keep walking, resisting the urge to whistle a jaunty tune. Last time I did, it took Fluttershy’s help to get the birds to stop roosting on me.

The sun was just peeking up, enough to have a bright morning, without being right in my eyes anymore. The pegasi were already working the weather over to prepare it for the day. Looking at their efforts and what I recalled of the weather schedule for the week, it’s probably going to be an overcast, but generally bright and rainless day.

One of the pegasi waves at me for a moment before going back to work, and I wave back. Ponyville is really nice, when it isn’t being ransacked by random monsters and disasters.

Finally, I find my feet have brought me to a large, luscious park. there’s carefully tended trees, flower beds, and green grass. Many of the trees are flowering, including a large weeping willow bending gracefully over a large pond. Several park benches sat here and there, near the few jogging paths scattered about.

Laying on her back, a mare was on one of the benches, staring up at the sky above her. A lone butterfly had settled onto her nose, and she was smiling gently at it. The mare had a seafoam coat and was wearing a warm-looking hoodie. A simple harp was propped against the bench next to her, and one of her hooves dangled over it.

Not having anything better to do, I decide to walk over. “Heya, what’s your name?”

The mare’s eyes flickered over to me. “Hello. I’m Lyra. though I suppose names are just things we call each other. Visual displays are so much more interesting to watch.” Her gaze returned to the little butterfly on her nose, which still hadn’t moved. The butterfly flared its wings for a moment, revealing a pair of harp-shaped marks on the undersides of the wings, before it flapped away.

The seafoam mare rolled sideways, toppling off the bench and onto her hooves in a graceful, almost boneless manner.

“Well, that’s something you don’t see every day. You get a lot of practice doing that?”

“Laying on my stomach hinders my ability to think by almost forty percent.” She looked me up and down. “You are bored, searching for something to do, and wandered here without conscious thought.”

“Let me guess, you’re the town oracle?” I check her flank for an image of a crystal ball or something, but it’s just a gold harp like the one she had with her.

“No, I’m an entomologist. And smart. Did you know, music is a numerical formula? By the look in your eyes when I said that, I’d guess you’ve already heard that view.” All the guessing was leaving me a bit peeved, I’d like to have a part in the conversation, too.

“Hey, I like math, numbers are fun, and music being numbers makes a lot more sense to me, honestly.”

“Of course you do, you’re only fitting in here in Ponyville because we’re all odd in some way or another here.” She grinned broadly. “I’m a master-grade musician and have been since I could physically hold an instrument, and I prefer to look at centipedes. Which only have about thirty-seven pairs of legs, in spite of the name.”

“Well, aren’t you knowledgeable. So, you know what I’m doing, or rather, not doing here. What about you?”

“Clarsach Butterflies only show up in Ponyville once a year. They’re very rare, and have no place in any ecosystem they’ve been encountered in. Their caterpillars are laid wherever they wander during their migrations, and eat any kind of leaves they can find and are too toxic for natural predators to eat. So I catch them and feed them to my terra-tula.”

“Uh... do you mean ‘tarantula’?”

“No, terra-tulas are mineraloids, but have many spider-like properties.” she tilted her head in thought. “Such as being spiders, with stone armor in place of the normal chitin.”

“Mineraloids?” My eyebrows go skyward at the implications. “Dang, you certainly have interesting creatures. The only rock monsters humans have are all fictitious.”

Lyra shrugged. “Terra-tulas aren’t monsters; that’s a different classification altogether. Although, tecto-rantulas are classified as ‘great-monsters’, or kaiju.”

That surprised me. “Uh... I assume you mean ‘kaiju’ as in ‘it’s very very very big’?”

“Yes. Most mountains that are permanently dormant are actually tecto-rantulas. They sleep a lot, but some dragons remember losing parents and elders to them.” She cocks her head at me, brows furrowed in confusion. “For some reason, dragons don’t like tecto-rantulas.”

“Well, I wouldn’t like something that ate my parents, personally.”

Lyra looks at me pointedly. “Well, that seems prejudiced. How you like it if your food disagreed with you, just because you were eating it? I’m sure seeing screaming cauliflower would throw off your appetite.” Strangely, her smile hasn’t left her face. I can’t tell if she’s teasing me, having an honest debate, or some combination of the two.

“Well, the fact that it screams wouldn’t matter, I don’t like cauliflower in the first place.” I stick my tongue out.

Lyra nods sagely, then climbs onto the bench, sitting up into a position that looks supremely uncomfortable for ponies: like a human. She pats the bench beside her, indicating for me to sit down.

“Well, I suppose that is a wise choice. Cauliflower sometimes contains vegetables. There’s usually a high chance of that.” She reminds me of someone, I just know it, but I can’t put my finger on it.

“Well, you certainly are an interesting pony. Probably the most interesting I’ve met so far...”

“Probably because I’m ‘whimsical’, as most ponies say. Oh, would you like me to play a song? I brought my lyre, but I haven’t gotten around to playing it today. It wouldn’t do to become rusty and maybe crack a spring.” I have no idea if she’s being serious, lost in thought, or what, but the idea of a relatively private music number seems nice.

“Sure, let’s see what ya got.” I sit back, and wait for her to begin.

The harp hovers into her grip, and she begins to play. Instead of plucking the strings with magic, though. she instead uses her hooves. I’m not really sure how, but she does. A strange, haunting melody begins to pour forth from the instrument.

I just stay still, and wait until she’s finished. Once she’s done, I speak up. “That was beautiful. I don’t know how you ponies can do things like that with hooves, but I guess that just makes it more impressive to me.”

“Harmony guides all things. Some of us are guided more strictly, and others...” she trailed off, staring at the instrument in her hooves. “Some of us help guide harmony,” she looked up at me, and smiled again. What she said next, I’ll never understand how she did it. How she knew, or how she could’ve found out, or anything.

Somehow, she calls me by my real name, first and last.

Like a Diamond in the Sky

I stumble away from Lyra, completely terrified. How could she have known? It wasn’t possible, shouldn’t be possible. And she still had that small, knowing smile as she looked at me, as if totally unconcerned with my panic.

“Wh- who are you?” I actually Spark up on instinct, my body knows I’m flipping out.

“I am Lyra Virtuoso Heartstrings.” She said, smile not leaving her face, her amber eyes holding steady with my own. “At least, that’s what I call me, though others have different names for who I am.”

“I- I... How?” That’s all I can think of to say, nothing else comes to my paralyzed mind. “How?”

“I see what isn’t there and hear what isn’t said, by which I take the truth from nothing.” she says, gesturing in an infuriatingly vague manner.

“No, really. How do you know my name? Both of them!?” Again, on instinct, I enter a defensive pose, as if my mind thinks she’s dangerous. Hell, for all I know, she is.

“Because your heart speaks...” she stops, snickering for a moment. “No, no, I can’t keep a straight face anymore. But I knew because that is who I am, the way being a star is who you are.” She stretches her legs, waving them a bit, before patting the bench next to her. “Here, have a seat.”

Nervously I take a seat, worried what she could do if I don’t do what she says. “I just wanna say... I... uh...”

“You’re pretty nervous because I’m so strange?” she prompts, smiling serenely.

“Okay stop doing that! It’s really not cool, okay!”

“Okay, stop being an ex-human starling stuck in Equestria.” she retorts. “Oh, wait, that’s a state of being, too.” Her smile hasn’t moved or changed.

“Look, I’m just trying to piece all of this together and now you come down and now you’re just messing with my head, this is really not funny.” I say, holding my head as if my hands could block her out somehow.

Her smile turns to a pout. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just wanted to meet you.” she says, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Also, keep in mind that first impressions do not a whole picture make. Or... was it ‘don’t eat spoons’? Now I can’t remember which advice I was supposed to give you...” she furrows her brow, rubbing her chin with her free hoof, then shakes it off. “Eh, either way, good advice. It’ll do you good in the long run.”

I brush her hoof off my shoulder. “You don’t plan on ‘meeting me’ like some of those ponies in my fan mail, do you, because if so I reserve the right to slap you.”

“No, I’m not really much like Glady. That sort of... fun... isn’t my entirely metaphorical cup of tea. Hmm... I’ve never actually tried tea.” her train of thought appears to be derailing, but if I want to get answers, I should probably put it back on its tracks.

But she’s gotten me thinking of tea now and I sure could use a cup. It takes me several minutes to get my own thoughts on track again, and I remembered that Lyra is also the name for a constellation. That... would explain quite a lot right now. “So... you live... up there?” I ask, indicating the sky. “Like, way up there?”

“Hmm? Well, kinda, yeah. It’s not so far as you think, but rather as far as you believe.” she says. “Far enough to take forever if you’re running, but close enough it’s only a walk away.”

“Enough mystic mumbo-jumbo, alright? Just give me some straight answers, you’re a star too, right?”

“No.” she says, pursing her lips as if trying to conceal a smile. “That’d be silly, Anthony.”

“Okay, you know what, screw this. You’re giving me a headache now.” I sigh in frustration. She just won’t stop being so cryptic and confusing. “What do you really want?”

“I told you, I wanted to meet you and give you some advice. Oh, and... be careful about trying to mix your abilities; you aren’t the only one that could hurt.” she says, with a serious look on her face.

“No shit, genius!” That’s the single most stupid thing she’s said thus far. “I mean, powers in general are dangerous, heck look what might happen if I start sleepwalking or something? I’m a giant, or a living fireball, or an overcharged battery or... or...”

“It’s more than that, Anthony. Do you have any idea why your powers refuse to mix? What happens when a star begins to expand rapidly? Have you ever considered what your body should be undergoing when you get so large?” she asks, setting the harp to the side as she speaks. “I know you know of the square-cube law, even if most of ponykind hasn’t learned it yet.”

“How the hell do you know... oh forget it. Yeah, but I can’t enter my Star form when I’m giant, it’s a separate power entirely!” I pause. “Isn’t it?”

“What happens when a star is dying?” The question catches me off guard, and I have to think a moment before the answer hits me.

“It... it gets huge, and then... it starts to shrink... and it... oh shit...”

“Or, if its power is great enough, it turns itself into the basis of life itself... I’m sure you’re familiar with what you’d call ‘element number six’, yes? Most often encountered as...?” She trailed off, her smile still one of benign humor.

“C- carbon...?” I reach my hand to my pouch of coal. No way. No fucking way! I summon some of the coal out of the pouch and shift it into various forms. I give a sigh of defeat and return it to the pouch.

“Diamonds don’t form in stars, though. Oh! But you should come visit us sometime. I’m sure mother would help with that.” Lyra smiled again, beginning to fade out. Where she’d been standing was, instead, a pony-shaped hole into the night sky. “See you later, little star.”

The patch of night faded into day, and there was no evidence of Lyra anywhere. “Oh, man... this is heavy...” I need to calm down, I can’t seem to keep my brain on one thought process at a time.

I spy, off to the side, one thing proving that the pony was actually here. The plain harp had turned to gold, and is leaning against the bench. I pick it up, studying it. The shadowed portions of it seem to be windows into night sky instead of actual shadows. I decide to take it with me. Maybe someone can tell me what the heck just happened.

I figure I can learn more about that later. Right now, I just want to feel normal. Well, as normal as I can get in Equestria. I recall I wanted to get Rarity to tell me her little secret crush, so I head off to Carousel Boutique. It would be a long walk from here, but I’m not sure if I feel comfortable using any of my powers at the moment...

My face must’ve shown my discomfort, because I heard a steady ‘poing, poing’ from beside me as I walked, a few minutes into the journey. I looked over to see Pinkie, who was looking at me with worry.

I figure I don’t want to scare her or anything, so I just smile and act like everything’s fine. I hope I look sincere. “Heya, Pinkie. Watcha doin’?”

“Anthony, if you’re not alright, you’re always welcome to hang out with me.” She looks up at me with those clear blue eyes of hers, and I feel like I’d barely put any effort into faking happiness. Stupid, perceptive pink ponies...

“Well... fine. I’m not alright, but I think I’ll just think about it on my own at first, but if I need someone to talk to, you know I’ll come see you, alright?” I give her a quick hug, which she returns, hopping up to nuzzle my neck as well. I mentally remind myself that while it is morning, I can always get a lumberjack. Stupid morning wood. Stupid pink princess ponies. I can’t even enjoy being around my friends the same now... I need an actual girlfriend.

I let go of Pinkie and, assuring her that I’ll be fine, I return to my trek towards Carousel Boutique. It’s such a shame that the rest of the Berry’s Punch is certainly spoiled by now.

Pinkie waves a reluctant goodbye, and I finally arrive at the boutique. Knocking on the door, I wait outside, fitfully glancing up at the sky and hoping the stars aren’t watching me. Thinking back on that thought, I think I may have developed paranoia in the last thirty minutes or so.

The door opens, but instead of Rarity opening the door, I look down to see Sweetie Belle looking up at me, the faintest signs of bed-head marring her normally perfect curls. It is adorable, especially with the sleepy look in her tired eyes and the little pajama shirt she’s wearing.

“Hi there, Sweetie. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“Aw, Rarity’s just being stupid again, so I couldn’t sleep too good. I think she said something about a project idea, and needing to meet with the diamond dogs again. ‘M so tired...”

“Well, why don’t you just go back up to your room and get some rest? Wait... what’s a diamond dog?” I think back to the Mineraloid classification Lyra brought up.

“Mmph, they’re a type of troll, Twilight said. Rarity is pack alpha or something.” She yawned squeakily, like a small dog or cat that’s been up too long. “at least, thas’ wha she tol’ me...”

I decide to take pity on the filly, and I pick her up and walk inside quietly. Finding her room shouldn’t be that hard. Sure enough, there’s a macaroni art picture of ‘Sweetie’s Room’ with a gilded plaque beneath saying the same, but with tiny little gems the same color as Sweetie’s mane on the polished white surface. Sweetie’s and Rarity’s work, respectively, I’d guess.

I open the door and, being very quiet, take the filly to her bed and put her down. “Sleep well, Sweetie.” The filly just yawns and curls up into a tiny ball under the sheets, now holding a little stuffed Rarity toy. A little weird I suppose, but very cute.

I carefully step out of the messy room, stuffed animals and all sorts of other toys scattered around. It reminds me of my room, back home, though with much less legos. I wince as my foot lands on the spire of a block tower set, and realize that tin blocks are far more painful and sharp than legos are, on average. I stifle a shout and curse, but a faint whimper escapes captivity.

Edging out, I gently close the door and return to the first floor. I’m not sure if I should stay here and wait for Rarity - she had said she was working on something when I’d stopped by yesterday - or wander off towards Twilight’s house and bug her for a little while. She might be able to explain the star-pony reading my mind or whatever had happened, in a way that will calm me down. Or make me freak out more, depending on what the explanation is.

Deciding I can come back later, I head for Golden Oaks. Rarity’s little secret isn’t going anywhere, and I can check on her later.

Trekking down the road, I wave and give a pseudo-cheery smile to the ponies along the way. Most wave back, but I notice some of the earth ponies looking at me worriedly. Maybe they’re just better at reading body language or something.

Once I’ve made my way to the library, which is once more filtering nothing but golden light, I push open the door, and step in, stooping under the doorway as usual.

The entirety of the main room is barren of any ponies, only Spike, sweeping while wearing a frilly pink apron, is here. When he sees me, he points a thumb over his shoulder towards the basement door. “Hey, Twilight wanted to chat with you. Something about ‘unprecedented scientific progress’ and ‘xenological studies of a meaningful nature’. I’d suggest being ready to run, she’s in one of those moods.” He went back to sweeping, whistling quietly as he worked.

I shrugged and headed down to the basement anyway. I suppose a scientific discussion would be nice to have for once. I walk down the wooden steps. It’s strange.The area is definitely under the tree, but seems to have wood paneling on the walls to imply that you’re still inside the main tree itself... Kinda neat.

“Ah, you’re here Anthony! You’re two hours and forty-seven minutes sooner than expected, but that’s alright! I’ve had my pots of coffee, and I am ready for science!” Pots of coffee? I’m seriously rethinking coming down here of my own free will.

“Uh... yeah, hi.” I warily make sure I’m not near any tables with straps or anything like that. “Spike said you were doing something about a xenological study, and I assume you mean me, as I’m the most alien thing in Ponyville as far as I’m aware.”

“Hmm? Oh, yes, that too. I was wanting to do some studies on your powers and maybe ask about your cultural history and backgrounds and if anything significant had happened in your world recently enough to precipitate your longitudinal transfer through the interstitial matrices to this plane of existence!” I reach the bottom of the stairs to see Twilight in the middle of a high-ceilinged lab, with tasteful walnut panelling. The pony is wearing a long labcoat and a pair of intimidating welding goggles, along with the widest grin I’ve seen yet. Flanking her on either side are large glass cylinders, one of which contained a sedately grinning Pinkie Pie.

I run over and hug her. “Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to hear someone say those kinds of words and know exactly what they’re talking about! I was beginning to think I’d given up on having an intelligent conversation!”

Twilight squees. “Well, then, you are to be referred to as ‘subject zero-zero’ during the testing, and if you could sign on this waiver here...” Twilight’s magic held up a clipboard with a seven-page legal document detailing all the events that she wasn’t liable for, most of which I didn’t understand. I did read as much of it as I could, though. I wasn’t going to agree to have my internal organs sucked out and put back.

After reading the mind bogglingly large number of extremely esoteric possibilities, including ‘accidental cranial wormhole insertion’ I come up with an idea. I will sign it, but still have a plan. I sign it as ‘patient 00’ as Twilight said I’d be referred to during the proceedings. Ha.

“Perfect! This document has arcane bindings to make sure that it’s the intent that binds, not the writing. I’m no newbie to lab experiments!” Her grin, if anything, was worryingly wider. Why did she think to compensate for that? “Now get in the giant tube-thingy! It’s science time!”

“Well played, Twilight. Well played...” I narrow my eyes, arms crossed. I walk up to the tube aside from Pinkie’s. I’m probably going to find out what she’s there for in a few moments, so I don’t bother asking.

“The first test is... getting in! It’s currently hermetically sealed, with eleven different atmosphere-processing glyphs to maintain a perfectly balanced and sterile environment. Air included.”

I think for a moment, before sparking up and turning intangible, and knocking on the tube with my fist. My hand goes straight through the thick glass, with less resistance than normal.

“Heh, cake.” I chuckle and walk right into the tube, then power down.

“Perfect!” Twilight says, looking over a mountain of data pouring from the machines. “hmm, a surge in emotion magic, a pulse of stellar energies, and some cosmic radiation bleed-off. Interesting... Alright, next test. Your containment unit is connected to Pinkie’s. I’m going to pour in a thin layer of conductive gel, and you’ll put forth enough of a charge for Pinkie to feel it, no more. We’re not trying for hurting anypony, after all.”

“Aw, what fun is safe science?” I ask sarcastically. “Fine, I’ll set myself on ‘joybuzzer’ then.”

Twilight looks at me with a look of derision. “Crude jokes about sexual implements is not welcome in the scientific workplace, Anthony.” She smacks a button on the dashboard in front of her. Sure enough, a greenish, mostly clear, viscous semi-fluid bubbles up from tiny vents on the floor, and I can feel a very slight current already in it.

I charge up some electricity, staying out of my Dynamo form, not entirely aware of what doing so might result in. Once I’ve got about fifty volts charged up, enough for a large startle, but not pain, I release it, and it travels through my body into the goo.

Pinkie yelps, then begins to giggle. “Hee hee hee! Stop! It tickles!” She’s now rolling in the goo, a bright smile on her face. She’s now completely covered in a gooey cocoon.

“Pinkie! Don’t play in that! It’s a vital scientific testing material! Conductivity Gel may be the cheapest of the six gels I buy from Passage Scientific Laboratories, but it’s still not cheap!”

“She’s right, Pinkie. You never know what could happen...” I grin and send a much lighter charge, only about 30 volts, into the gel at my feet to give Pinkie another electric tickle. I assume the conductivity increases with how much your body is in contact with, and I don’t want to hurt her.

Pinkie begins thrashing, flailing, and laughing at the top of her lungs. Blobs of the barely-greenish gel get splattered onto the inside of the glass cylinder by the pony. Once I stop channeling my electricity, she lays there on the bottom, panting, heaving in breaths, and giggling. Twilight is looking impatient and mildly upset, but also like she’s holding back her own giggles.

“Well, we needed to find out what happens if I lower the voltage while the other subject is mostly covered in the gel, didn’t we?” I grin, my excuse a very thin veil for my little prank.

“No, but I suppose it’s good data either way...” Twilight rolls her eyes indulgently, and motions to the two of us. “Alright, I’ll initiate the cleansing system. I’ll also be isolating Pinkie, because the next test is to see how high you can go with your voltage, amperage, and ohms.”

“Gotcha, just tell me when.”

A torrent of icy-cold water sprays from the top of the cylinder, causing me to yelp in surprise, my Spark extinguishing at the shock. The water quickly turns to a more normal warm, but I can see Twilight smirking triumphantly from her little science station.

Once the goo is washed off and the water is sluiced away, Twilight tells me to begin charging my electricity for thirty seconds, or until I can’t handle it any more. She also says to direct the discharge at the electrodes on the back of the glass tube. I turn around, and there is a pair of wide metal plates on the back, like thin steel stickers.

I locate the electrodes, and then enter my Dynamo form. If I’m supposed to go all out, I’m gonna need to really focus. I concentrate on the electricity flowing through me. I close my eyes, and push as much effort into the power generation as I can. I’ll probably feel pretty tired, but I want to know my upper limits just as much as Twilight does.

I can hear loose electricity crackling across my skin, and the sharp tang of ozone spikes through my nose. Behind my tightly-clenched eyes, I’m starting to see stars. Not as in the stars I’d be seeing if I was simply holding my eyes closed. I’m seeing literal stars, specks of burning light and gas, flaring and beautiful. Coronal flares the size of continents pass by my vision as it feels like I’m zooming away, and the stars fade into galaxies, the silent blackness of space in all directions, until a faint light begins to fade in at the edges, resolving itself into-

With a cry, the charge I’ve been building up begins to hurt too bad for me to concentrate, and I unload all of the energy I’d gathered into the twin electrodes. I open my eyes a crack, and see that the glass is now sagging around a hand-shaped glowing spot in the metal that had once been the electrodes.

Silence fills the chamber, and I realize I can’t hear or smell anything.

I blink and look around, my starry form shifting gently in the absence of input, my hair drifting eerily from the months of growth in a strangely weightless environment. I try to ask Twilight what’s going on, but no sound comes out. She’s just staring, stupefied, at the console in front of her. The needle that is supposed to be tracking the data has bent all the way up above the machine from trying to reach the height of the spike.

I feel tired. Not like when I was fighting the demon, more like a drained tired. I look up at Twilight, bracing myself inside the tube.

I can’t seem to turn off my Spark, and I keep trying to speak to get her attention. Finally, I try speaking with my Spark, unable to think of anything else. I don’t want to go into the wooden library if I’m still hot enough to put an inch-deep handprint in two-inch glass at a touch.

<TWILIGHT. WOAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY VOICE?> I look out to see Twilight jerk her head up at the sound of my modified vocalizations. She tries to say something, but I can’t hear her in the slightest. I think I know what’s going on, now that I think about it. I may have just completely removed the air inside the testing tube!

<I CAN’T HEAR YOU, BUT YOU CAN HEAR ME. I THINK I JUST SHOCKED THE AIR OUT OF THE TUBE. HOW CAN I GET OUT SAFELY?> Twilight nodded at my assertion about the atmosphere, and looked around. After a moment, she pulled out a simple chalkboard and a piece of chalk.

‘I think you can just step out, you’re not radiating heat anymore’ she wrote, before erasing it to clear the board. ‘are you still have enough power to’ she erased the words and tried again. ‘Do you think you have enough power to go intangible again?’

Rather than answering, I just try anyway. I make myself intangible again to get out. I step out and the moment my body is fully clear of the glass, I feel my Spark flicker out again, and I drop into the reams of spare paper, feeling exhausted. At least this time, I didn’t just go unconscious. That can’t be healthy...

“So... tired...” I snuggle into the cozy paper, and close my eyes, dreaming of stars and galaxies and patches of green on the edges of space...

I yawn, stretching slightly. I’m laying on what feels like a hammock, and a nearby machine is beeping and clicking.

“Huh... what?” I try to prop myself up with my arms, but it’s been so long since I’ve been in a hammock, I forgot how to position myself, and I end up on my back again, injured arm flaring in pain for a moment.

“Ooh, you’re awake!” I see Pinkie’s head suddenly fill my vision, her face expressing relief. She leans forward and nuzzles my nose with hers, filling my nostrils with the scent of fresh baked goods.

“Heh, good morning to you too... is it morning? How long have I been out? What was my energy output?” I’m feeling really chipper, like I’ve slept a perfect eight hours.

“Silly, you’ve only been out for an hour.” Huh, weird. “But Twilight looked at the clicky-thingy, and it went ‘kwapoing!’ and she said ‘Oh no!’ and I said ‘What’s up?’ and she said ‘it’s off the charts!’ and I asked ‘how far?’ and she said ‘I don’t know, this machine can’t register past eight thousand kilothaums of output!’ and I said ‘over eight thousand? That’s crazy!’ and then she looked at the machine again, and said, ‘wait, no, it goes to fifteen thousand.’ and I whistled and said ‘That’s even more!’ And then-”

Pinkie’s mouth is shut by a violet glow, and I look over to see that Twilight, still in her long labcoat and goggles, had shut Pinkie’s mouth.

“What she means to say is that you put out at least three times as much energy as the system was designed to handle. Your amperage was measured in mega-amps, and the device to measure ohms just broke and caught on fire. You put a handprint in a diamond-matrix casing.”

I grin. “Heh, guess I’m too hot to handle. In all seriousness, though... Dang. This is dangerous...”

“You also produced a spike of cosmic radiation that, if you hadn’t been in the chamber, would’ve scoured the laboratory clean of anything less durable than stone. Theoretically, I’ve never seen that large of a cosmic burst in my life.”

“Wow... I’m not sure if I want to test my fire powers. Who knows what I’d destroy...” I think over the possibilities, many of them leading to excellent prank ideas.

“Well, there is one more test you can do, if you feel up to it, and it’d be pretty safe. We don’t even need a containment chamber.”

I fake a depressed look. “Awww, but unsafe science is the fun science...”

Twilight looks sharply back at me, and I feel a little bad. I basically just gave off a barely-contained gamma radiation burst in her lab, maybe I shouldn’t be pushing the unsafe practices joke right now.

“Er... generally speaking?” I sigh. “I don’t want to see anything damaged, alright? I just like a bit of danger sometimes. What’s the test?”

“I just hand you a testing spike meant for calculating lightning bolt output, and then we see how long you can channel for. Just a little bit, though, you blew out in fourteen seconds with the big jolt.”

“Dang, that’s some quick charge rate... alright.” I take the proffered strip of metal, holding it in my left hand. As I do, I notice that my cast is slightly singed, and my clothes are charred around the edges. Rarity is never going to forgive me for that.

“Guess I’ll have to go in for a new cast at some point. Alright, let’s do this.” I don’t bother charging up any and just push the current into the metal. I wonder how much energy that is, without charging.

“Alright, you’re holding steady at fifteen volts, and the clock is started.” Twilight says. “So, may I ask you some questions?”

“Sure, what do you want to know?”

“Well, you said that there was several billion humans on your planet, and no other sentient species. You also mentioned that you don’t have any magic. Am I on track, so far?” I nod “Alright, what I want to know... Ahem, if there aren’t any competition for the dominant sentient life form, what drives your scientific progress, besides curiosity? Pony, Gryphon, and Minotaur cultures all grow most rapidly in times of war, but if there’s nobody else to make war on...”

While she doesn’t end with an actual question, I get the gist of what she’s asking. “Yeah. We fight each other. On a near-constant basis, actually. We’re a war-like species by nature and violence is in our genetics, despite being a strange form of ‘pack’ species. We’re also kind of a herd species, too, but it’s complicated.”

Twilight scribbled down some notes, checked to make sure I was still outputting a charge, and asked her next question. “What sort of family structure is common amongst humans? Do you tend to follow more of a group-mating, like cows? Or is it more of a pairing system, like with predatory birds? Or something more exotic, like with skinks or cuttlefish?”

“Well, we’re mainly monogamist, and our families stay together until the child is mature, about eighteen or twenty years old. There are a few exceptions, and there are plenty of cases of single parents, but it’s usually two parents and one to two children.”

“Hmm, so you raise your children for an extended period of time. Do the parents usually split up after the children are raised? Or is it more of a life-bonding, like with swans and alicorns?”

“Well... that’s where it gets complicated. It’s technically a life-bond, but sometimes, usually during the raising of the children, one parent might leave, usually because they no longer feel compatible with their chosen partner. So they get a divorce. This is how the single-parent situation normally comes around” I decide to save the possibility of ‘birth from rape’ for another time.

Twilight ‘hmm’d and scribbled more down, checking my output once more. “Alright, I suppose that’s enough from that subject. What sort of power, of any kind, develop naturally in humans?”

“If you mean like magic, or mine, or anything aside from just muscle growth over time or by exercise, absolutely none.”

Twilight hrmm’d once more, and scribbled down more notes. “You stated you have no magic where you came from, but you recognized it on sight. How so?”

“Well, we have magic and such, but it’s all in our fiction. I’ve been an avid reader of various forms of fiction, and so I can understand magic, even if I’ve never been physically introduced to it. In fact, the excuse most of us humans use for things we can’t explain is that it’s caused by magic. At least until a scientific resolution is found, that is.”

“Odd. Why would you assume it’s something you can’t experience? That seems kind of pointless. Any pony would agree that something should be able to be experienced to be believable, even if only one pony can ever experience it.”

“That’s the way I see it, but everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and boy do we have impressive imaginations as a species. We just don’t understand something, and since we don’t understand magic, we assume that it’s related. We explain it by connecting it to something we can’t explain. I find it very lazy and rather obnoxious, personally, but it’s normal for humanity.”

“Strange. Also, your output has been almost perfectly steady this whole time, are you still fine?”

“Yeah, I’m good, I can't even feel if there is a drain at the moment. Got any other questions?”

“Hmm, yes. I suppose this is more directed at, you, and less your culture, though. If anything upsets you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, just say so, and I’ll move on, okay?”

“No problem, what do ya wanna know?” I ask. “I’m an open book.”

“Well, first off, would you say you’re an average member of your species, powers aside?”

“If you don’t count the three levels of mental ‘retardation’ I ‘suffer’ from, I’d say yes.”

“You’re considered mentally retarded for your species? That’s... incredible! The rest must be absolute genius-”

I fall over laughing, accidentally taking my hand off the metal. “Oh boy, heck no! I’m one of the straight thinkers.” I wait until my laughter subsides, and put my hand back when she puts it there with magic. “No. It’s only called retardation because it’s different. Our species has the bad habit of equating abnormality with deficiency. I have ADHD, Autism, all that fun stuff, and our culture usually depicts that as very bad. According to them, I should be a brain-dead vegetable!”

Twilight looked at me with concern, no mirth in her eyes. “What’s ADHD and Autism?”

Whoo boy. Big topic.

“Well, ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It means I have a lot of energy, and have problems focusing. This means that, according to the descriptive words used, I am impossible to keep a coherent conversation with.”

“Well, I think that’s an incorrect prognosis. And many pegasi and earth ponies exhibit similar symptoms, though that’s just considered being a thaumically strong member of those species. Pinkie, for example, practically radiates thaumic energy, but I have no idea what effect this has on anything beyond being a very basic structure for an explanation behind her mild precognition.”

“Well...” I pick up Pinkie and rest her on my lap. “That’s where ponies and humans differ. Since it’s mainly showed in emotion and such, and we don’t have magic, we decide it’s all mental. And because, as I said, humans see difference as a bad thing, they’d treat Pinkie as if she were insane and unstable.”

Pinkie looks up at me, eyes gone gigantic and a huge pouty face in the making. I could almost see the edges of her eyes waver, like a cartoon character.

“I on the other hand, fully understand that it doesn’t affect her and know that she’s just as smart as the rest of us. And because of that, I’m different from most humans as I’m a bit more accepting.”

Pinkie smiles again, almost literally brightening the room. Stupid Cadence, now I have to shift her off my lap again. I’m starting to dislike Cadence, as nice as she is.

“Autism is a general term for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “Autism can be associated with intellectual disability, difficulties in motor coordination and attention and physical health issues such as sleep. Although some people with autism excel in visual skills, music, math and art like me, aside from the art. I can’t draw worth crap.. Unfortunately, since we see difference as bad, whenever autism is referred to, humans assume that the 'affected' fall into the former category. This is why technically, I would be considered completely useless as a person.”

Twilight looks at me curiously. “So, wait, you’re telling me these traits occur naturally, and humans try to repress them? Unicorns take decades of careful work to cultivate traits like that!” She looks almost scared for me, like she’s wishing she could just pull me in and mother me ‘till I’m better.

“Yeah, humans are jerks. We’re mentally set to hate each other for some reason, so we always see anything or anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of ‘the normality’ as something to be ostracized. I of course don’t because I’m affected with this, and my brain works differently. I wouldn’t say I’m smarter, but I definitely have a very different viewpoint.” I sigh. “No, I’m not a normal human, and I am very very glad for that.”

Twilight nods, then writes down more notes. She’s already about ten pages in. “Well, I suppose my next question is pretty simple: What are the other subspecies of humanity like? I assume they’re probably pretty isolated from each other, given what you’ve said of their xenophobic traits, but I’m interested on anything you know.” her quill is dipped into the inkpot, and then hovers in anticipation over the papers.

“Well... human isn’t an umbrella term. If you are human, you’re a human. We all have the same general shape. No difference. Sure body shape such as muscle tone or skin color may differ, but that’s all genetic. If you are human, you are just human.”

“Huh. Well... uhm, that kind of dries up several of the other questions I had, one moment.” Twilight pulls out a few loose notecards, flicking through them quickly while Pinkie and I had a boop-war, trying to poke each other’s nose without being booped in return.

We stopped when Twilight snorted in derision and rolled her eyes, smiling the whole while. “And you wonder why the townsponies thought you might be interested in them. Hmm... let me see, one more question then. What sort of geographical location did you reside in before, and is it your usual home, or does your culture practise nomadic lifestyles?”

I pause to think. “There are some of us that are nomadic by culture, but me and my family aren’t. As for geographical location I lived in the pacific northwest, specifically Seattle Washington. So a fairly cold and rainy climate and close to the ocean.

“Hmm... alright. Well, I’ll ask further questions another time. Oh, and are you feeling any drain at all from the power usage?” she asks.

“Nope, I’m all good.” I reply honestly. “I don’t think my power usage is anything like your magic. I notice that usually I don’t feel tired until after I’ve stopped using my powers. Like I didn’t collapse during the fight with that demon until it was over when I probably should have fallen unconscious about when I was stabbed by that tail.”

Twilight nods. “Alright, then go ahead and release the electrode, power down, and tell me if you feel more tired, the same, or less tired.”

I do as she asks, “The same but a teensy bit more tired, but that was practically nothing. I think I have to use a lot of power before I start feeling weak. Like when I was in that tank, the second I stopped I collapsed. I think my power-strain blackouts don’t occur until I’m considered ‘finished’.” I pause and think over that circumstance. “Though I guess that’s also a problem. I could reach my limit and not notice until I’m already suffering the consequences like me breaking my hand.” I add, gesturing with my cast. “There’s no ‘safety net’ on my powers, I just keep going until I can’t stand any more.”

Twilight’s brows knit together. “Well, that could potentially be very dangerous, so be careful. Alright? I don’t want one of my friends getting hurt over something silly.” she says, putting a hoof on my knee and smiling up at me.

“Does that mean you want to see me hurt over something serious!?” I say, feining astonishment. “Well, thanks a lot Sparkle!”

“That’s not what I meant- Oh, you’re just doing that... right I see. But that’s not funny, I don’t want you hurt. Well, I suppose there’s only one test left, then.” she says.

“A wet tee-shirt contest?” I ask, grinning and wiggling my eyebrows as suggestively/actively as I can.

“A what?” she asks.

“Apparently you’ve never seen clothes get wet, especially white clothes. Oh well.”

“Actually, I have. Cloth, when wet, clings terribly. It also chafes. It can also stain, if not dried promptly or left to dry. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, think about it. If it’s clingy, and all of our ‘unmentionables’ are on the front...”

“Then wouldn’t it just make the clothes miserable to wear?” I swear, Cadence could not have been her foalsitter, Twilight is just too innocent.

“Just... just nevermind.” I sigh and resist the urge to face-palm. “What’s the test?”

“I’ll use a spell I learned recently, which allows somepony to be turned temporarily into another species. It only lasts a few hours, but it needs a template other than the caster to work from. So, I want to see-”

“If you turn me into a pony, I swear you will not sleep without one eye open for the rest of your life.” I inform her.

“I was going to ask if you’d volunteer for it. I wanted to see if you’d retain your powers as a pony, meaning the powers are tied to your Essentia, or if it’s tied to your form. It’d be a huge step towards trying to identify how you got your powers.”

“But... you’re ponies! I like myself the way I am! How do you know me being human or my powers won’t mess it up somehow! If I end up stuck like a pony, I will throttle you!”

Twilight backed up a bit, looking worried at my threat. “Anthony, any damages to the spell matrix would simply crumble it! You can’t change how a spell works just by tearing it up. It can’t last more than a few hours without me renewing every now and then.” Her words actually were rather comforting.

“...fine. Two hours, and what I look like or anything related to appearance does not leave this library.”

“Well, I don’t know a counterspell for it yet, but it’ll only last, at most, four hours. We’ll also get to see what you look like as a pony!”

“Ugh, fine.” I cross my arms in a huff. “But I will not leave the library nor go near any windows until it wears off... and we do it here in the basement.”

Twilight sighs. “Fine, you can keep your foalish requirements, we just need to see if your powers work as a pony or not. Now, I’ll be using Pinkie as the template, so you two just separate a little and I’ll cast the spell.”

Pinkie nodded, chirping out a happy ‘okie-dokie-lokie!’ and pronking over a few feet to one side.

Twilight begins charging her horn, the violet glow turning white and beginning to spray purple sparks. None of them make it to the ground, flickering out about halfway down, but it still makes me nervous, a little. Right as Twilight gets ready to cast her spell, we all jump slightly as Spike slams the door open, calling out, “Twilight, Rainbow Dash wants to know where all the copies of the new Daring Do are!”

A bright beam, almost painful to look at, lances out and strikes me, forming an orbiting shell of tiny wisps. The beam splits like from a prism, striking Pinkie and knocking her into the inside of the containment tube from earlier with a muffled thump and an ‘oof!’.

Twilight’s horn goes dark, and the lights all go out at once.

I look around in the sudden gloom. “Uh, was that supposed to happen?”

Spike, from the top of the stairs, flicks the light switch several times. “Aw, come on! I’m the one who has to replace the fuses every time this happens, Twilight!”

Well, at least it doesn’t seem like an emergency situation, and nothing feels different to me. I Spark up, literally shedding light on the situation with a small ball of bright, blue flame in my translucent fist. Twilight’s sitting in a pile of her notecards, rubbing her head next to her horn, which is now shedding dull purple-blue sparks. Looking around, I can’t find Pinkie. Turning towards the containment cylinder she went towards I see...

Oh no! she’s been mutated into a giant pile jumbled bare flesh and pink fuzz!

Wait, no, she’s just turned into a human. At least it isn’t anything dangerous, and she didn’t end up inside out anything like that. I don’t think Spike could’ve dealt wi-

click

“Holy mother of Nayru!!”

Pinkie sits up in the tank, rubbing the side of her muzzle-less face with one hand, distractingly bare of clothes. With a moment of confusion, she looks down at her new appendage. “Wow! my hoof looks just like a hand!” She looks down. “Oooo! What’re these?”

Her hands go to play with... uh, I can’t really think right now, but what she’s doing is highly distracting and in no way something such a nice looking young lady should be doing. And she’s giggling, her voice almost perfectly identical.

“Uh... Twilight?” my eye twitches, and I realize I haven’t blinked in a fairly long while now. “I think you goofed...”

Twilight cracks her eyes open, looking from me to Pinkie. “Uh oh, that wasn’t part of the experiment!”

“Woah, there’s a Pinkie-colored Anthony down here!” Spike was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at Pinkie. Well, more like ogling Pinkie, something I could not bring myself to blame him for, as embarrassing as it was likely to be for the both of us later.

“Hey, uh...” I try to break eye contact. “I think I might need a cold shower, later.”

“Why? I thought you hated cold showers?” Pinkie looked at me curiously.

“I’ll need a cold shower...” I emphasize every word while gritting my teeth, but decide not to explain, or things could get even more awkward a lot quicker.

Pinkie stood up, flailing her arms for balance and finally leaning against the glass in a way that mooshed her... frontal assets in a way that unintentionally - I hope - was giving me a painfully uncomfortable reaction. I hadn’t seen another human in more than eighteen months now, and my hormones were telling me that this meant the human race is in dire risk of extinction and I should do everything to rectify that as soon as possible.

Hormones don’t play fair, especially when she gets the hang of standing on her own, and jumps up and down a few times in delight. God, she’s still got such energy.

I feel a tic begin to form in my facial muscles, making my eyelids twitch slightly again. I think I need to murder Cadence and Twilight Sparkle. It will leave the world a safer place from mishap.

“Uh, Pinkie, I think we should get you some clothes.” I say, breathing getting a little short and the air growing a touch warmer than is comfortable. “Fast.” A traitorous little part of my brain begins pointing out that if I’m warm, I should lose some clothes too...

“But why? I’m not cold yet!” Your nipples disagree. No! Bad me! I mentally slap myself for the thought.

“I mean for the other reason we wear clothes... Please.”

“Huh? But I don’t have anything dangling, unless you mean these!” She immediately grabbed her... self for emphasis. Oh god, I think I need to escape this room before I do something stupid and irreversible.

“Yes! I mean those!” I rush up the stairs and out of the library as fast as I could. Hoooooo boy, why’d she have to end up so hot? No! Bad! Bad thought! I rushed towards the only pony I thought could help now: Rarity. I just hope she can make something that doesn’t make the whole situation even worse.

“... and so that’s what happened. I’m, ah, having some biological reactions to Pinkie’s form, but I don’t want to do something like that with her! She’s my friend, and I’m sure it’s just physical, not a real attraction.”

Rarity nods in understanding. “Alright, dear, I think I can help you out with this. I’ll take some of my fabric and go make something for Pinkie. I do hope the darling is keeping to the basement, or she might cause some... problematic rumors if she went around town.” The white mare stood and began moving towards the upstairs area I assume is her workshop.

A few minutes later, she comes back down, gently levitating a large, full-looking suitcase. “This is my travelling case, and it now holds what I need. Now, come along, I’ll need your opinion on the results.”

I pray that whatever my opinion is, it’s at least publicly acceptable. Pinkie might end up being a rather large problem... or two. No! Damnit brain! Don’t give in to the hormones!

We get back to the library, and, against my better judgement, follow Rarity into the basement. I just have to remember, Pinkie is a pony. Just a pony. This is all temporary.

The white mare pulls out a small, framed piece of paper, and I have to wonder what she’s going to- I let my thought trail off as she whispers something to it, and it begins to expand, turning into a three-part paper screen. Huh.

After it’s set in the way to prevent Pinkie from... ‘distracting’ me, Rarity goes to work, a flurry of whites, pinks, and yellows, the swirl of cloth, sewing needles, thread, and magic a stunning display unmatched even by Twilight’s supposed magical mastery. After several moments, I notice that Spike is ogling Rarity with his pupils literally turning to heart-shapes, as he stared with unmatched adoration. Yyyyep, crushing real hard.

Finally, Rarity is done, And she whisks the now-collapsing screen away with a dramatic, ‘Voila!’.

Behind where it had been standing is still Pinkie, but now bouncing slightly on her heels and humming softly. Her frizzy, poofy mane of hair is now cascading over a white stop with a large, pink heart in the center of the... chest. Pinkie was also wearing a skirt and long, white stockings.

And now, her proportions were more... accentuated. I must admit, I’m not as much of a breasts man as some folks, but all her curves stood out. Oh, goddamnit, I can’t escape my own thoughts! But, in truth, she was beautifully dressed, and smiling happily.

“Rarity! That’s exactly what I wa- er, we didn’t want!!”

Rarity snorts. “Well, I think it’s smashing. And besides, Pinkie loves it, don’t you?”

Pinkie smiled and bounced again, cheerily chirping out, “Yepper-doodley snickerdoodles!” ...And now my stomach has joined the revolt against my brain. Traitor.

“Rarity... ugh, well, I guess you are just doing what you do best...” I think on what to do, making sure I’m looking in the exact opposite direction from Pinkie Pie.

Not able to come up with anything, I try to think harder, but my thoughts are interrupted by a starry hand, looking like a pool of the night sky, phases through my chest. “Yoo-hoo! Anthony, take a look at what I can do!”

Spinning around in sudden terror for my life, I see that Pinkie is just a black outline, defined by a series of tiny pinpoints within the shape, and a massive, pale-blue star burning in her chest. A pair of swirling blue galaxies defined her eyes.

And, while her appearance should’ve set off every instance of my fight-or-flight instinct... instead I found myself relaxing. Pinkie, floating several feet off the ground, was spinning and flying with loud giggles and gales of laughter, and it was hard not to join in. She just looked so happy.

Except, I can’t fly... “Pinkie, how are you doing that?”

<I JUST FEEL SO LIGHT AND HAPPY, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FLY!> She spins around in a joyous loop, before hovering in front of me and extending a hand. <COME ON! FLYING IS GREAT! I CAN SEE WHY RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DOES IT WHENEVER SHE CAN!>

Nervously, I take her hand, my mind a bit too clouded to think of any other action. As her fingers slip between mine, I feel a pleasant tingle and a load of warmth, and my own Spark flares brighter, converting my own Star Form into one like hers, but with a much smaller, normal, white star in my own chest. Slowly, I begin to rise from the floor, the odd feeling of weightlessness suffusing my body, like it was when I was in the vacuumed-out chamber.

“Pinkie... I’m not sure you should be doing anything like this unless you know what you’re doing...” I think back to what Lyra said, about my powers possibly killing me, and Pinkie is even more powerful! I can feel the energy she’s radiating dwarf mine. Yet, it’s strangely pleasant, like a faceful of warm sunshine after a cold wind.

<DON’T WORRY, WE KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING!>

“We!?”

Almost without warning, I feel Pinkie pull me effortlessly through the wall and into the earth beneath the tree, zipping through the solid matter like it’s nothing. Another star, blazing a blue even brighter than Pinkie’s core, but held in a cage of golden filigree, orbited Pinkie’s core like a joyous little friend, a smaller star still orbiting as well, shimmering green with tiny specks of purple floating ahead of it like eyes.

The blue-and-gold star ‘stopped’ to hover in front of me. <I’M HERE, TOO, AND I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND TOO! FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS GREAT TO HAVE.> The star broke off with a giggle, stopping to push back a tendril of brilliant blue fire that had started to extend from Pinkie’s core, keeping it from separating into the earth all around.

“Ooooooh man. I feel nice and all right now, but I’m freaking out over here!”

With a sudden shift, we’re going up, and I have no idea how fast. Suddenly, we’re bursting from the top of a snow-capped mountain higher than any nearby peak. Pinkie sets us both down on the top of the peak, the gentle aura of weightlessness keeping me from feeling like I’m going to fall.

Far, far below, I see Canterlot, hanging from the side of the mountain below. We just traveled a lateral sixty-plus miles, and then up nearly another two, if Twilight’s geography books are right, in the span of a conversation. Three sentences, really.

“P- Pinkie... I know you’re having fun and all, but I’m really not sure if you should be just playing around with stellar energy like this, it’s dangerous! Don’t you remember how I got this cast!?”

The little blue star came out again, as Pinkie’s Star Form faded. “Don’t worry. I’ve got a friend to help with that!” the little star bobs happily, zooming over to ‘nuzzle’ me on the cheek, feeling more fuzzy than giant-ball-of-incandescent-gas-ey. In spite of the both of us powering down, she’s still so warm, and she hugs me as we sit on this forsaken and private mountaintop.

“Listen Pinkie, I like this a lot and all, but if you turn into a pony and lose your powers, we’re gonna be stuck up here... Couldn’t we move a little closer to Ponyville, somewhere quiet and private?” As soon as the words leave my mouth I want to beat the shit out of my brain, I meant private for Pinkie being human, not... damnit, Cadence!

Pinkie giggles, rocking back and forth slightly. “Silly, Twily-wily said it’d take around four hours! I feel like I could break it sooner, but... I want to spend some time with you. And with all the stuff we’ve been doing today, and how high up we are, the stars will be out soon!” She turned an honest, happy grin on me, and I practically felt myself melt. Traitors. All my body is traitors!

“Pinkie, the stars come out every night, we don’t have... to... oh, fine.” I give up. Arguing with her that is. I am not going to screw this pony-turned-human!

An insidious little voice whispered in the back of my mind. Who said you had to? A kiss is just as pleasant and very nice...

The worst part was that I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.

The two of us leaned towards each other as the edge of the horizon began to darken, the change from night sudden as the moon rose, bringing a tide of night across the sky in its wake, the sun setting at its own pace on the other side of sky, like a tired worker sinking slowly into soft sheets at the end of a long day.

The stars, though... from up here, they look like tiny birds, or butterflies, flying a long way off. I could see totally new constellations and stars, including one that... that looked like an enormous harp, or maybe just a miles-wide grin in the sky...

And so we watched the stars for an hour, dozens, then hundreds, then thousands coming into easy view from the not-so-lonely mountaintop. Several of them seemed to be clustered around the moon, as if following the pale orb through the night. Others seemed to be moving in the other direction.

It was like they weren’t static objects, but glimmering fish in a perfectly clear ocean, swimming with the currents...

I blinked, and realized that Pinkie was curled up on my arm, snuggled into my side and watching the stars, and that we had, at some point, begun laying down next to each other. All the shadows of her face were like reflections of the sky above, pools of vision into the night sky all around. It was strangely attractive.

I let out a sigh. “Pinkie. Nobody will ever know of this, and when you go back to being a pony, it will end there.” With that, I give her a kiss. It’s not at all like what it was with Twilight/Chrysalis, Pinkie’s temporarily human mouth feeling much more comfortable and it just feels good. I just feel good all over...

When the kiss finally ends Pinkie smiles, bright as the stars shimmering in the pooled shadows of her face. “That’s okay. I’m fine with being friends, if that’s what makes you happy, Anthony.” She rolls over, softly, and I can feel her turning back to her Star Form, for the trip back.

<LET’S GO HOME, ANTHONY. I HAVE SOME PRANKS I WANT TO TRY ON RAINBOW DASH WHILE I CAN FLY AND GO THROUGH WALLS AT SUPER-SPEED!>

Laughing, I take her hand again, and we fly, invisibly, through the fabric of the night.

Chapter 23

Author's Notes:

Sorry for the wait. Back to the ponies.

“One, two, three, four.” I chant to myself, counting the number of wraps I’ve put on the poor weasel’s leg and back. The dear was hurt by a brick thrown out of Ponyville, and needed the splints.

All around me are my friends, ranging from tiny little beetles helping carry medical supplies, to Harry the bear, making sure none of the hurt animals can cause any accidental harm to the others until they’re fixed.

I stop to wipe my brow, as the sweat is tickling my eyebrows, and it’s rather not nice. Still, I’m nearly done, and it’s best if I get to work again. Scooting around the deep, dark shadow of the nearby tree, I make my way to the injured Manticore, also with a rectangular bruise and several similar, but minor, contusions, though it’s not him I’m worried about. The poor dear’s nest was what was mainly hit, and his cubs are looking so sad and are in so much pain, and there’s only so much I can do.

The first’s wings are badly crumpled, and the Manticore has to help me hold the little one down and keep the tail away from me until I can get the splints on, and the poor thing is going to need to come back in a week to get them checked out, which I tell the Manticore. Thankfully, he understands.

The second cub, a young female, has to have one of her rear legs bound tightly, and I’m nearly in tears as she yowls in pain as I set the bone in three places. The spurs found on a female manticore are just growing in, meaning she’s only a year old, but her wings are already tattered, likely from the cave-in at the nest. Oh... she’s never going to fly. Now the tears begin to fall.

Wiping them away and sniffling, I turn to the last cub, and have to choke back a sob. There is no way I can fix this cub... the way the chest is caved in, the slow, ragged, wet-sounding breathing... I can’t fix enough in time.

I hold the cub and sing to her, until the pain stops... it’s so unfair.

I hear the familiar sound that accompanies Rainbow Dash slowing from a rather unsafe speed and look up. Sure enough I can see the blue and rainbow streak slowing, the tears in my eyes obscuring her to blurry shapes.

“Fluttershy! Are you okay!?” Her first question before she even touches down. I look up and nod to her, trying to clear the tears, but it’s not working, and she hugs me. She always knows what I need. “Hey, don’t worry, Anthony took care of the demon and the town’s already pretty much fixed. I know I’m not exactly a doctor but uh... you need a hoof with anything?”

I shake my head. “N-no, I’ve done what I can.” I say, then remember to say ‘Thank you’, oh I hope she’s not disappointed in me. A faint spike of icy fear goes through me at the thought.

She looks a bit concerned though, not mad. “Well, alright. You just seem pretty torn up and uh... you know... I wanna help if I can. Hey, how about we get you inside?”

I sniffle, but nod. It’s getting really dark outside, and the shadows look like they’re reaching for me. I know I’ve been told they aren’t but I can never shake the feeling they really are. Once inside, I feel better; all the rooms are well-lit, all my animal friends are safe and happy or recovering, and even Angel Bunny is being helpful. Not that he isn’t, just that he’s being even more helpful now.

After making some tea, which Rainbow Dash refuses, I sit down in a different chair. After all, Rainbow Dash might want to lay out on the couch, and I wouldn’t want to take up too much space.

She does indeed take the opportunity to stretch out on the couch, but what I don’t expect is an apology. “Sorry nopony showed up to check on you sooner, we’ve just been busy rebuilding... that thing did a lot of damage...”

“O-oh, it’s perfectly fine. I’ve had so much to do myself, and Anthony stopped by-” I flinch as Rainbow Dash raises her eyebrows, and I retrace what I said, in case I said something offensive. I don’t think I did, so what is she-?

“Anthony? Really? Well... that’s cool I suppose just a bit.... I figured he’d just been spending all his time cashing in favors and such for taking out that freaky monster.” So she isn’t mad? Then why would she startle like she did at first?

“W-well, he just had dinner, and it was nice. He said he didn’t know we ate fish. We, uhm, we talked about that. And animals, he likes to talk about animals a lot too.” I say, hoping to catch her interest. She’s very rarely interested in my animals, but I know she cares.

“Wow, sounds like you two are getting along... Idunno, he just seemed a little rambunctious to worry about others... what? I know words.” I wasn’t thinking she was dumb! I- I swear!

Either way, though, I shake my head. “No, he was very nice, and he even read a story for me, so I could sleep.”

“Really?” I just nod and Rainbow shrugs. “Guess there’s more to him than a good punching arm after all. I mean, he also helped with some of the rebuilding, too. Heh, guess Pinkie isn’t as nuts as I thought when she said she liked him.” Rainbow switches around to lay on her back, not looking at me, thankfully understanding my problem with eyes. “But I’m not here to talk about him, the demon said something about despoiling you. I originally thought he meant he was gonna... anyways uh, what would a whacked-out thing from Tartarus want with you?”

I shake my head. I don’t want to remember, but I can’t say that, or she’ll worry. “I don’t know.” I hate lying, but I don’t want her to feel like she has to be there for me. I can’t be a burden on her, I just can’t.

“Yeah, figures as much. Like you’d know what it’s after, right? I mean, duh. Just uh, just asking. So you’re alright? I notice that the damage didn’t reach your cottage. How’d your animals get hurt?”

“Oh, the m-monster threw a lot of bricks, a-and other things. Some of the animals got hurt just by accident.” I say, thinking again about the poor manticore cub.

Rainbow nods, thankfully understanding. “So, Ponyville is mostly back to normal, you wanna check around town, see what we could help with whatever’s left?”

“Oh, yes, I need to pick up some more bandages, some cherries for Angel’s dinner, and a few bags of rice and corn.” I say, thinking about the list. Thankfully, I don’t have to ask for help, though I would’ve done it without if she hadn’t wanted to help.

“Sounds like a lot of stuff. I’ll help ya carry ‘em back.” Rainbow rolls off the couch onto her hooves and heads for the door. “Ready when you are, ‘Shy.”

Thankful, I follow her, pausing only to pick up my saddlebags, and follow her. I mean, it’s my errand, but I don’t want to be presumptuous. I just hope everypony isn’t staring at me again. They’ve been whispering about me, but only when I haven’t been looking. It’s been happening whenever I go out, ever since the word got out that the monster was after me. I take a deep breath and follow Rainbow Dash into Ponyville as she points out landmarks of damage from the demon and the status of the town’s repair.

“So the Apple Family came by and helped, and it went pretty well with all the help. It’s a good thing we decided to build houses out of stone and covered it with hay. Houses went up like crazy and supports fell, but overall most houses were still standing.” Rainbow fills me in on the various small jobs that are still going on and why. “Over there...” She points to a large charred spot on the ground, and I can’t help but imagine some terrible event. “Was where Anthony punched the demon and blew it up. We had to clean up monster bits for a while. The stuff went everywhere and... oh, sorry.”

I’m shaking, and I can’t help it. There’s too many shadows, and everypony’s watching me, and they’re judging me. I- I can’t take it, not today!”

I turn to flee, my wings helping propel me along as I head for home. Warm home, safe home. Dodging the shadows, the leering eyes... it’s too much!

“Hey, wait, I’m sorry!” I barely hear Rainbow’s words, before I’ve already gotten home and hidden under the bed, where I keep a spare lantern ready to light at a moment, and I stay there.

Wow, I screwed that up... I didn’t mean to... wait it’s not my fault, everypony just stares at Fluttershy now since the demon attack. I don’t know why, but I know they know she hates that. And the way she was with the animals I’d say she’s got enough on her plate as it is.

I glare at everypony who was staring at Fluttershy and they back off. Sighing I decide to help out and do Fluttershy’s shopping for her. Let’s see. She wanted bandages, cherries... corn... uh... oh yeah, grain!

I look around at the shop stalls and find a produce area. Not sure where Fluttershy goes to get those giant bags she always buys though, most ponies sell them in small boxes. I go up to a stall selling cherries and get a few, she said she only needed some. “Hey.” I ask the mare at the counter once I pay. “You know where I could get some corn? Like, in...” What was that term, I never do this shopping thing much for a reason... “Bulk, that’s it. Bulk bags of corn or grain?”

“Sure, Rainbow Dash!” The mare replies and I grin. It does feel nice to be recognized. “That store over there has what you’re looking for.”

I thank her and head over to the store and note that it’s one of those bigger stores that seems more at home somewhere like Manehattan. Oh well, if they have what my friends need I guess it’s not all bad. Just hope they don’t start building skyscrapers on Ponyville, I like being able to fly around without worrying about crashing into somepony’s home.

I find the bags, simply labelled “Corn” and “Grain” in big letters on the tightly woven bags. They’re almost bigger than I am though. How does Fluttershy carry these things? I grab one with my teeth and try to pull it off the shelf, but that puts a lot of strain on my neck so I just grab it with my hooves and drag it, flapping furiously trying to lift it. Why is this corn so darned heavy?

Soon enough I get it to the front counter. The stallion behind the register sees my efforts and grins, handing me a pulley with wheels. “For carting it home. Just bring it back, miss.”

I look back and see a few ponies using it while they do their shopping. Dangit... Oh well. I pay for the animal stuff and, waitaminute. “Hey, how come this stuff is so cheap?”

“Bulk purchases are lowered in price as it helps move merchandise quickly, and to encourage you to come back when you run out.”

“Really? You sure this isn’t just some kinda... Idunno, it just seems way too heavy and way too much stuff for just four Bits.”

“If you think you ought to pay more, you’re free to I suppose, but-”

“Just take the Bits...” I sigh and the stallion takes the money. That is... really weird. But I did get a lot for only a bit of money... maybe they sell other stuff in ‘bulk’ beyond just animal feed. That said, the pulley-thing makes moving these things a breeze... just wish I could fly with this thing. I hate being grounded... sighing I walk back to Fluttershy’s.

Loyalty. Doing something for someone even if it doesn’t benefit you in any way. That’s the way Twilight describes it. Guess that does fit me, I’m certainly getting no fun out of this. But it’s normal, not loyalty, right? I mean, we’re friends and that’s what friends do... Oh well, not like being an Element hurts my PR.

I take another look around the town and I do recall that the damage is a bit more severe than it usually is. I mean, with Discord everything was just zapped back to normal, and with the usual monsters it’s only one or three houses destroyed. We should be finished cleaning up the town yesterday by now. And that thing didn’t look anything like I imagine a demon from Tartarus looks like, but what else could it be? Still, I’ve faced my share of monsters, but that thing unnerved me. It didn’t scare me, hah, no way, but still... Haven’t seen anything like that before, and I’ve never seen Ponyville take such a beating either.

And Anthony looked really messed up but he wasn’t worried about himself. His first question was about Ponyville. He doesn’t even live here... kinda. Then he heads over to check on Flutters? I mean, when he showed up he was just a pain. So full of himself, insulting us, and all. Now he’s being a nice guy. Did somepony hit him with the Elements somehow or something? Nobody makes a switch like that. I still don’t trust him, but... we do owe him a lot.

Ugh, stallions, so confusing. Especially ones that aren’t ponies.

I get to Fluttershy’s house and knock on the door but, as expected, she’s not answering so I just leave the supplies by her door and fly off, returning the pulley-thing. Wonder what everypony else thinks of Anthony... I can’t be the only one who still doesn’t trust him completely, right?

But he got Flutters to talk to him. Maybe I should ask Applejack.

“So whaddya think, AJ? I mean one day he’s messing with us, the next day he saves us.”

Applejack sighs, and leans on the fence between us. “Ah have ta say, Ah’m not too sure myself. Ah mean, he hasn’t caused any real harm, but somethin’ about him just doesn’t sit right with me. Every time he says his name, in fact, Ah feel like he’s tryin’ to get away with something. But it’s not like someone would lie about their name, right? He ain’t in his home, so it’s not like he’d have to worry even if he was a criminal.” she says. It’s always weird to hear her go on and on about something, but I guess if all you’re doing is bucking apples, thinking’s the only other things you can do.

I nod. “Yeah, but what would he be a criminal of if he is? I mean, sure he’s a jerk, but... I gotta admit, he beat that monster for us, and even helped rebuild. Bad guys don’t help other ponies, right? And then he goes to check on Fluttershy. So if he’s not a bad guy, what do you think he’d be lying about his name for? What’s so important about hiding a name anyway?”

Applejack shrugs. “No idea, sugarcube. But it’s been botherin’ me like crazy. Ah don’t know if that’s just me, or if it’s me bein’ the Element of Honesty and all that. Ah don’t even know if there is a difference, to be honest.” she cracks a smile at her choice of words,a nd I do too.

“Heh, well as the Element of Loyalty, I have to say that bad guys don’t stick around and help out victims. I mean, Fluttershy said they talked over dinner and he read her a story...” A thought comes to me. “You don’t think he’s gonna try courting her, do ya?”

“Ah don’t know. And ah think a certain party gal has her eyes set on him anyways, RD.”

“Got that right. I wonder if he even notices though. That could be trouble. Pinkie isn’t one to take denial lightly.” I shudder at what happened last time she thought we were giving her up or whatever. “You think we should, Idunno, do something?”

AJ shakes her head. “Ah don’t have the time to be playin’ matchmaker, and Rarity’s more the type anyhow. Besides, he’ll notice eventually, she ain’t bein’ too subtle about it. I mean, I saw her browsin’ Roseluck’s shop for pink flowers, and you know what that means.” she says, and I nod in agreement. It’s feathers for pegasi, flowers for earth ponies, and rings for unicorns. Those novels were good for some learning, after all.

“Yeah. Still, he’s being real nice with Fluttershy all of a sudden. Maybe he’s just trying to help her cope, but isn’t that my- er, our job?”

Applejack shakes her head. “It’s her friends’ job, and Ah’m not one to monopolize that. She’s allowed to have other friends, after all.” she says, level-headed as usual.

“Yeah... but not friends that rub us the wrong way, right? I mean... look at the way he acts with Twilight. She can take it, but what if he starts treating ‘Shy that way?”

“Well... does he?” she asks, and I have to admit, he doesn’t. But still... nopony’s that different-acting around different friends, right? I mean, I know not to push ‘Shy too hard, when I remember, but I’ve also known her forever!

“No... but maybe we should be careful, you know? Watch out for Fluttershy. And Pinkie too. He’s weird, and not always in the good way. I wonder what Twilight’s managed to figure out about him. She said she was gonna do some work on him, didn’t she?”

“Somethin’ like that. I thought she said she was writin’ some notes, too. Might be helpful in case a body snatcher or some other crazy thing gets his powers instead. He at least doesn’t go on rampages.”

“Yeah, but he does tend to act like a foal sometimes, hey, wanna come with me and check on Twilight? See how things are going?”

“Nah, Ah got some chores to do t’day. Ah can keep an eye on him another time, if he ever decides to hang out here; t’ be straight with ya, he doesn’t come ‘round here often.”

“Huh, strange... if he’s willing to make the trip to see ‘Shy, you’d think he might come up here. Didn’t Applebloom invite him over that one time? What was he like?”

“Ah didn’t see much of ‘im, actually.”

“Oh, just dinner then. Still, he’s quite the strange guy. That said, I’ll see what Twi’s got on him, maybe we can figure out a way to get him to loosen up. Or whatever he needs. Seeya later Applejack.” With a wave goodbye, I rocket off the ground. That’s another thing that bugs me about his weird powers. That glowing thing and how fast he is. I mean, I beat him in that race but... it’s pretty dangerous to pull a Sonic Rainboom so close to the ground, but I’d have lost without it. I’d have lost. I know everyone says I’m a sore loser, but that’s mainly because I don’t lose, it just doesn’t happen! At least not with races. And then this guy comes in and just starts glowing and he’s faster than me... almost faster than me!

I shake my head to clear it. Don’t wanna crash into Twi’s window like last time. I touch down on the balcony and tap on the door but get no response. Probably in her basement again. I walk inside and down the steps and sure enough there’s Twilight, but the place looks trashed, nothing like the way she usually keeps it. “Woah... what happened down here?”

“A successful experiment! Mostly.” Twilight says, though that doesn’t really mean anything, so she might as well have not answered.

“If this is a success, what would a failure look like?” I look around at the damage and paper everywhere.

“Well, if containment had failed, it would’ve looked like, well, a crater the approximate size of Ponyville.”

Uuuh... that’s not good, but doesn’t explain what she was doing that might blow everypony up. I notice Spike helping with the cleanup and decide to ask him, he’s good at translating Twilight’s vague... stuff. “What were you doing down here?”

“Uh, Twilight said it was a test of Anthony’s limits, for his electrical powers. I’m not actually sure what most of this data’s for, but Twilight thinks it’s helpful.”

Uh... huh. Well then. Waitaminute. “Anthony did this? What did you do, make him super mad again? Say, where is he, shouldn’t he be... Idunno, helping clean or whatever?” If he sticks around to look after Fluttershy, shouldn’t he also take responsibility for making a mess like this?

“Oh, no, I just had him charge as much as he could, and discharge into a set of conductive panels inside the shaped-matrix isolation cells. As for the notes, they need to be collated in order, and I can’t do that with too many distractions. As well, Anthony wandered off before I could request his help.” The last part is grumbled, and I can totally understand. It sucks when you can’t get someone to help ‘cuz you didn’t think to ask in time.

“Looked more like Pinkie dragging him through the wall to me.” Spike adds. “Twi tried to turn Anthony into a pony but she just made Pinkie look like Anthony, and then Pinkie started glowing and flying. And she had these huge... things on her.”

“Weird.” That said, Pinkie running off with Anthony only has so many results, and with her the way she is... this may not be so bad. I remember Rarity blabbing about stallions acting weird and just needing a special somepony to set them straight. Heh, maybe Pinkie is helping him cool off right now. Still... “What do you mean she looked like Anthony?”

“Well, she looked a little different, cuz she was kinda curvier, but she looked like a human. I think that’s what Anthony called himself, right?” he thinks about for a second before nodding.

“Yes.” Twilight replied, not looking up from her organization. “And had she stayed I’d have a chance to study female human anatomy. But, well, Pinkie was being Pinkie. That said, she did exhibit properties similar to Anthony, and she was giving off even more stellar energies than Anthony does. Well, not as much as he did when he was charging his powers but-”

I blink at Twilight and she sighs.

“Alright, alright. Pinkie had powers like Anthony did. That means that if something manages to take control of him-”

“Like a body-snatcher!” I blurt out. “I was thinking the same thing!”

“Well... they wouldn’t even have to snatch his body, merely copy him and they could do whatever he could for however long they can hold the spell.”

A thought runs through my mind. “So, if a Changeling somehow copied him, do you think... Idunno, they could make an army of Anthony’s?”

Twilight’s expression becomes grim. “Or worse. As I stated, when Anthony’s form was transferred to Pinkie she showed even more power on a general basis. For all intents and purposes, it seems Pinkie unlocked some potential that Anthony hasn’t yet.”

My eyes go wide. “So, you’re saying that if you did the same thing and gave me his powers, I’d be faster than him? I mean I am already but... just hypo-thematically.”

“Hypothetically, but yes. In fact, you might transcend beyond conventional concepts of speed, which could be extremely bad. As such, I’d rather if you didn’t speak of this to anypony, alright?”

“Alright, alright. Just wondering... wait, what do you mean transcend speed? Like... like that thing Anthony did where he moved while standing still with the demon fight?” Twilight looks at me sternly. “What, I’m not talking about it with anypony, I’m talking about it with Spike!”

“No, she meant breaking the barriers of conceptuality and potentially exiting the universe into the formless void beyond where unspeakable horrors would take note, tear you apart and then invade Equestria.” Spike says, then pauses. “Maybe. Or you’d just go really fast.”

“For real? You mean Anthony could do that? Just... what rip open a hole to Tartarus by running?”

Twilight sighs. “Not Tartarus. The void between realities. And monsters don’t live there Spike, there’s likely just an empty void of nothing. But tearing a hole to it would still be dangerous, now we are done talking about this, it’s too dangerous to even think about.”

“Fine fine... just saying it might be neat to be the first pegasus to go into this void-thingy. So where do you think Pinkie took Anthony?”

“I have honestly no idea, they went through a wall into the solid ground. And they were moving fast enough that I’m not sure there’s been a spell invented that could track them without a previous lock on them.” Twilight says, throwing papers in the air in frustration, collecting them on the way back down and organizing them.

“Ah.”

Suddenly the door upstairs slams open and I hear rapid hoofsteps. “Twilight! You gotta make me like Anthony again, the spell wore off and we haven’t found Rainbow Dash yet- Oh, uh... Hi Rainbow Dash!”

“No!”

Chapter 24

Four-ish weeks later...

I hold up the harp, staring at the strange, night-infused shadows on it. I’m currently sitting in the newly renovated extra room of the Golden Oaks Library, which has a bed just barely big enough for me. It’s the largest size Mattresses and Lumber Nails carried. I’m still trying to figure out that particular store combo.

I return my attention to the instrument, and hesitantly pluck one of the strings. A tremulous note rings out, pure and sweet, but it’s missing something.

Probably someone who knows how to play a harp, but that’s just a guess... Perhaps it likes stellar beings better. I begin my usual, blue glow, and pluck another string with my partially see-through fingers. Suddenly, as my fingers merely brush the other strings in passing, the harp produces an entire chord, smooth and sweet to listen to, like a professional’s hands had gotten a hold of it.

Strange... I continue to ‘play’ the harp, wondering what would happen... perhaps I should ask Twilight about this. It’s completely evaded my thoughts every time I’ve met up with her, especially with Rarity popping up almost every time and trying to convince me to act as a Species Swap template for her.

I mean, I’m sure being human is fascinating, and thumbs are, like, the best thing in the entire universe, but other than that... I realize that the harp is just playing random chords, with no real connection to each other, and get a touch frustrated. Exasperated, I think about a song, Sacrifice, and swipe at the strings.

A chord like something from a guitar’s tortured screams from the harp, and I feel the starlit night sky creep up from the shadows of the harp, and I feel my fingers twitch and stroke the strings, pulling forth the song from nothing but memory.

Somehow, I’m recalling the lyrics perfectly, singing along with the phantom band whose music pours from the night-harp. Nigh unto four minutes later, I let go of the harp, a grin on my face.

I look up to see that Spike opened the door and is looking at me with a dumbstruck expression on his face. A letter fluttered from his slack grip.

“That for me, I take it?” I wait for the dragon’s numb nodding. I reach down and pick it up. It’s a letter from Cadence!

Dear Ser Anthony,

I have contacted my aunt, the esteemed Princess Celestia Dawnbringer. She has given permission for our expedition through the Canterlot Lookinglass Gate to Wunderland, and has already begun preparations. I have been informed I will take a minimum of four guards for each ‘guest’, and no more than seven.

With purest sincerity,
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

P.S. I couldn’t get my chamberlain to let me write the letter, sorry. Anyways, We’re cleared to go, and Twilight and Pinkie can come along, too. I’ll be bringing a total of nineteen guards, to keep it a prime number. I’ll get to finally see more than just what’s in the established clearing outside the other end of the gate! Ooh, I can’t wait.

P.P.S. I heard you and Pinkie had some... ‘alone’ time together about a month ago. I told you so. ;D

How the heck does she know... oh forget it. Besides, Pinkie wasn’t a pony at the time, which is completely different! I decide that I should tell Pinkie that we are going to be heading for Wunderland, so I get up and leave the library, making my way to Sugarcube Corner.

Part way there, I run into Pinkie again. “Hiya Anthony! I was just coming to invite you to a party! Ponyville is 120% back to normal! And you’re a hero to all of the town, and I just learned the word ‘juxtaposition’ which means two ideas or concepts next to one another and I think it’d be really cool to do a ‘Ponyville’s Hero’s party!” Her words speed up near the end, and for a second I could swear her eyes were swirling blue galaxies again... but no, it’s just Pinkie being excitable again.

“That sounds like a great idea! I might even have an idea for some musical entertainment.”

Pinkie’s grin turns even wider. “Wowie! What is it? Oh, wait, you want it to be a surprise, don’t you? Oh, this is going to be awesome, I just know it! I’d better go tell the others!” the fluffy pink mare zooms off, leaving a faintly candy-scented pink cloud behind for a second.

I shake my head at the silliness, then remember that I forgot to tell her about the trip. As I get ready to curse, Pinkie zooms back up to me. “Oh, did you need to tell me anything? I had a twitchy ear, rumbly belly, and a light head, which either means I’m really hungry, or a friend has something to tell me!”

“Well, we’re going on a trip to Wunderland in a few months. You, me, Twilight, and Cadence. How’s that sound?”

“Whoo! I get to go say ‘hi’ to Granny Pie! She doesn’t get to visit all that often, on account of her breeding Drumble Jubjub birds. They get really cranky and start frumigating if you don’t feed them on time, so she has to be there most times of the years, except Lend and Borrow.”

“Lend and Borrow?”

“Yeah, Lend comes before Lent, and Borrow is the same day, but on second thursdays of alternating years.” I am so glad that at least she understands what she’s saying.

“Like... Leap Year?”

“No, silly, that’s when Frumious Bandersnatches mate and breed!” I have the feeling I’m going to get eaten by something during this trip.

“Well, sure, so when’s the party? Later today?”

“It’ll be tomorrow, and I even got a guest from Canterlot to help with the music! She said she knows you.”

“Vinyl Scratch?” I guess aloud.

“You know my maybe-cousin-twice-removed Vinyl Scratch? Oh, this is going to be awesome!”

“...you know, you two being related makes a lot of sense. Wait, that is who you meant is coming for the music, right?”

“Well, duh, the only other one I know personally is Octavia and she only plays slow music!”

“I dunno, I’ve seen some pretty heavy stuff on cellos before, and I wasn’t about to judge.”

Pinkie looks thoughtful. “You keep saying heavy. Is music related to weight, where you come from?”

“No, it’s slang. It means-”

Pinkie giggle-snorts. “Hee hee! I’m just playing with you, silly! Don’t worry, Vinyl has that covered, adopted or not. And I mean it when I say Octavia only plays slow, she doesn’t like to play fast music.”

“But she’s fine hearing it, apparently.”

“Well, you like living in houses, but you don’t like having to put them up every time you want to go to sleep, do you?”

I open my mouth to say something. I close my mouth. “Point.” I kneel down and ruffle her mane.

“Hee hee, you’re a good friend, Anthony.” She nuzzles my hand, and pronks off. “See-ya later, Anthony-gator!” She waves as she goes, turning a corner without looking.

That pony is crazy. Totally crazy. And I like her that way.

Practically bouncing with joy myself, I wander towards where Twilight is waiting; the post office. I’d been coming to the quaint little post office for the last few weeks, getting to say hi to Ditzy and Dinky, who were both adorable in their own ways, until my cast had come off. Twilight is sitting amiably on the bench outside the post office, still reading the Lookinglass Gates book, having been making notes about each chapter for the last four weeks.

“Heya, so Cadence sent me a letter earlier. We’ll be bringing nineteen guards with us for safety. I’m honestly a bit scared of going, but the not-knowing would just kill me!” I sit down and ruffle her mane like I did with Pinkie, only I know she doesn’t like it.

“Hey! Yeah, I got a letter, too. I know what you mean about not knowing... we’ll be the first formal explorers in almost half a century! Ooh, I can just hear the publishing awards already...” She looks like she’s daydreaming.

“Heh, yeah, feeling pretty glad I thought of going there, aren’t ya?”

Twilight nods happily, grinning and flopping her ears up and down. I laugh and ruffle her mane again. “So, what are you waiting out here for again?”

Twilight carefully places a bookmark in her place, and closes the book. “Celestia said she was going to have a rare old book sent to me, so that I can restore it. She said to take as much time as I want on it, that its quality is far more important than the promptness of its return.” She puffs her chest out proudly, making her look like she’s all fluffy from the chin down. “It’s a big responsibility, but I know I’m up to it!” She beams at me.

“Heh, sure, just don’t explode from excitement, okay?”

“Oh, please, it’s just a book, there’s no way anything weird will come from it.” She scolds me gently.

“I wasn’t talking about the book, I was talking about you!” I saw, recalling her tendency to overestimate her own capacity for calmness.

“I know, I was saying- oh, right, you’re being humorous, sorry.” She lowers her ears abashedly.

“Don’t worry, with enough practice, you may end up one-one hundredth as funny as I am someday. If you’re lucky.” I boop her nose.

“I don’t need to be funny, I’m already smart.” She retorts smugly. She’s improving, that’s for sure.

“You keep believing that, and you might get others to believe it as well.” I laugh and walk off. I’m going to finally get Rarity to tell me her little secret crush. Unfortunately Sweetie Belle answers and gives me some bad news.

“What do you mean she’s not back yet?” I ask, looking at Sweetie Belle, bewildered.

The little white filly shrugs and looks at me. “She said there was something she needed to get from ‘out of town’, and then she hasn’t been back yet. She does this sometimes.”

Dang it, Rarity. You can’t hide from this forever... I thank Sweetie anyways, and get ready to head off, until Sweetie calls out to me.

“Wait, d’you want to go crusading with Applebloom, Scootaloo and I? I don’t really have anything to do, now that my chores are done, and it’s really quiet in here with Rarity out...”

“Sure... I’ll be right back.” I dash off to the library to retrieve my crusading uniform shirt. Sure I’ll never get a Cutie Mark, but I don’t mind helping these kids out, although I’ve mainly spent most of my time trying to veto some ideas and explain why it’s the most god-awful, stupid decision ever.

By the time I get the shirt on and get back to the boutique, there’s a piece of paper stuck to the door telling me they’re at the clubhouse.

Oh well, I guess I can make this quick. I decide to enter my Dynamo form and rush to the clubhouse. I’m not spending all that time walking to the other side of Ponyville.

‘Skidding’ to a halt near the clubhouse, I power down, noting that my shadows when I do that have started turning to the nightscape, and I can’t seem to make that effect go away. Brushing off some stray dust, I walk up to the little clubhouse, and get a flying tackle from a pair of micro-ponies, Sweetie and Applebloom gripping me in tight hugs. Scootaloo stood at the top of the stairs, dramatically shrouded by the angle of the sun and the location, putting her just barely above my natural line of sight.

“Aw, come on Scoots, I don’t bite... much.”

For some reason, she seemed to put on what I can only explain as some sort of threat display, puffing up her feathers and putting her wings up. I guess I scared the kid somehow.

“Oh, alright, alright. Be that way. So, what do I need to save you from- I mean, what are we going to do first?”

Scootaloo puffs up even further, somehow. “We’re going to try being Cutie Mark Crusader Junior Electricians!”

Oh god, this is going to go... wait, Twilight said that even lightning in this world doesn’t normally reach lethal levels. And that there’s almost no wiring or electrical work for appliances... what are they electrifying?

“And, exactly how do you plan on doing that?”

“We pooled our allowances and bought two of these!” Scootaloo proudly pulled out a pair of Junior Arcane Circuitry sets, similar to the one I bought in Canterlot but haven’t tried out yet.

“You know that’s all magic, right? I’m not sure how you three could...”

Scootaloo looks down at the set, her wings drooping. “Yeah, but... well, I thought it was a good idea...” Sweetie and Applebloom both charge back up the ramp to give Scootaloo a hug.

“Hey, come on, so you made a mistake. The smart and adult thing to do is learn from it and become better peo- ponies.”

Scootaloo looks back up at me, her ears perking up. And now she’s puffing up again. What is it that I’m doing to make her do that?

Anyways, The three of them quickly conscript me into helping them, especially with three major points:

- They need an adult’s supervision, so I guess that means me.
- They also need help getting the annoying little twist ties off of the the numerous things inside the boxes, something you usually ask a grown unicorn to help with. Fingers rock.
- They also need some finer control putting some of the parts together. Once more, fingers rock.

“You know, I wonder how my electricity mixes with this magic stuff. I bought one of these myself to find out, but I never got around to it.”

Sweetie gave a half-hearted ‘huh’, before nosing out little pieces of metal, and pushing around the big, ceramic base tiles.

Applebloom was holding the instructions, and I could see that the back side was labeled in ‘Prançais’.

...Prench? Wait... Prance!? Jesus Christ these ponies... I barely resist the urge to facepalm.

Applebloom begins rotating the instructions ninety degrees, while Scootaloo is sorting the pieces by shape. Sweetie Belle is eyeing a single piece, this one shaped like a bolt of cloth or a scroll inside a circle of symbols and runes.

“Magic runes, huh? So that’s how you get magical electricity...” I think for a second. “Hey, if it’s possible, let’s leave the energy input piece out, I wanna try something.” I hold up a finger and send a few sparks across it to demonstrate my idea. “You girls think it’ll work?”

Applebloom looks up. “Actually, Sweetie is supposed to be th’ ‘input’, ‘cuz she’s got magic.”

“Aww, come on, aren’t you a little curious? Magic isn’t the answer to everything.” I boop the yellow filly on the nose with the current in my finger, about seven volts. I don’t wanna hurt her after all.

Applebloom jerks back at the shock, and stares at her nose, cross-eyed. “Whut was that?”

“Electricity, you silly filly. I can make electricity. And I don’t mean the kind you ponies get from clouds or magic. This is a bit more... natural.”

Scootaloo looked over at me, poofing up again. Seriously, she looks like a koosh ball when she does that. “I can make lightning!”

“Sure, but is it enough to knock out a demon for about five minutes?” I hold up my hand and start generating more electricity. Much more than just my finger. My shadows are turning night-ish again, too.

Scootaloo deflated, looking utterly miserable for some reason. “N-no...”

“Good! Electricity like this is dangerous! I don’t want anything to happen to any of you! I don’t want you to get hurt.” I release the energy into the ground at my feet, sending the charge harmlessly into the wooden floor in ten-volt intervals. Don’t want to burn anything.

The crusaders clustered around, and began to assemble the first set-up, on a big ceramic board with a bunch of concentric rings of pegs to hook the pieces onto. I had to intervene more than once when Scootaloo or Sweetie would try to wrestle the uncooperative pieces into spots they wouldn’t fit. I doubt that the arcane circuit would react any better to damaged parts than a normal, electrical circuit would.

“So, how does this work when all put together? Do you just... give it magic and it does it’s thing?”

Sweetie Belle nodded quickly, and I saw a flickering, weak glow from on her horn. Her face contorted in ways that could not possibly be natural or healthy. She grunted like she’d eaten five pounds of cheese, and grimaced like it turned into a kidney stone along the way.

“Holy crap, kid. Stop! You’re gonna have an aneurysm if you keep that up!”

“N- nuh... uh!” finally, she let loose a flurry of sparks... all two of them. They dribbled limply to the floor, fizzling out like wet pop rocks when they touched the floorboards. Sweetie looked winded, and her cheeks were red as a firetruck. “W- wow... what a rush!”

“Okay, never never do that again. I am not going to bury any of you! Seriously, let’s just try my way, alright? I’m here to make sure you stay safe.”

Applebloom looks back down at the instruction sheet. “Also, yer supposed ta touch yer horn to the ay-ray, Sweetie Belle.”

The little unicorn, still panting and looking around like someone who just ran a marathon on forty pots of coffee, nodded. “Okay! O- once Anthony goes, can I go again! Please!?” Sweetie bounced up and down a little, and I held back a giggle. Even if she may have just almost fried herself, it was still an adorable sight. Huh, and Scootaloo is puffing up again. I’m starting to think pegasi are just weird at that age.

I... also don’t know their ages. I should probably ask some time. After science, though.

“Well... maybe. I just don’t want there to be any accidents. From any of you! I know I’m being kind of a killjoy, but I’m going to try this ‘responsibility’ thing today, okay?” I pick up all three of them in a light hug. “You’re going to stay safe, alright?”

Even if they’re ponies, I could never let a child get hurt or worse while I’m around. I’d never forgive myself.

All three of them squirm for a moment in my grip, until they’re comfortable, and hugging me back. Even Scootaloo is joining in, holding me with her little wings as well as her forelimbs and pushing her face into my armpit. Weird child.

“So, we do this carefully, and safely. Yes Sweetie, you can try again, but don’t wear yourself out.” I put them down, find the array according to the diagram, and decide I should start with just two volts from my finger. Just a start.

I gently place my finger on the outer edge of the outer circle, and release, and suddenly...

Nothing happens. Judging from what the crusaders put together, it’s supposed to summon a miniature cloud. Or make a duck turn purple, it’s a little hard to tell.

“Well, fine, take fifteen volts!” I hold my finger away and return it to the plate after a quick charge. The filigree designs proceed to do fuck-all nothing, much to my frustration. Before I can simply unload a lethally-explosive level of cosmically-charged lightning, I sit myself in the corner and fume for a few minutes. “Razzin’ frazzin’ magic.”

I look over as giggles erupt from nearby the set, and see that there’s a little, pale green cloud now hovering over the circle, and Scootaloo is grabbing it and mushing it like clay.

“Oh come on! I know I put more electricity into that than any of you could! That’s so unfair!”

Applebloom looks over. “But it’s nawt eel-ec-trissity! It’s magic! That’s what ‘Ar-cany’ means!”

Sweetie Belle looks up. “It’s pronounced ‘ar-cane!’”

I sigh. “So, now what? None of you got your marks, and honestly, I think it’s because you need to do something special. I’m pretty sure this is intended for any unicorn to do.”

The three let out an ‘aww’ and looks at their hooves, Scootaloo stopping her molding of the cloud to do so. The other two began talking about what they could do next, but Scootaloo went back to messing with the cloud.

“Hmmm... Hey Scoots, You said you can make lightning. Can you use that cloud and zap the array? Maybe your electricity would work.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “It’s not that type of cloud, dummy!” She pokes it to make her point. A few moments later and she holds it up. “Lookit what I made!”

“It’s... a bowl.” I note.

“With high sides!” she looks... pleased. I don’t know why, and she’s doing that poofy thing again. I think I need to hug that out of her, I don’t doubt she’s extra soft now that she’s doing that again.

“Sure, uh... good job.” I say and pick her up. I don’t have the heart to tell her that was probably the lamest thing I’ve ever seen done with a cloud.

She snuggles into me again, once more pushing her muzzle into my armpit. I wonder if there’s something wrong, and this is how pegasi deal with home issues.

“Anyway...” I just sit there holding the orange filly. “What else could we try?”

The other two look up, and seem a little awed by me holding Scootaloo, who has now curled up in my one-armed hold.

“Uh... we could... uh... usually, Scootaloo comes up with things to do.” Sweetie admitted. Scootaloo just yawned, and it felt almost like she was purring.

“Well, looks like she might be unavailable. You think she got enough sleep last night?”

Applebloom and Sweetie both start looking at other things in the room, not answering my question.

“What? Did I do something?”

Sweetie looks down at her hooves, and I could swear she’s even more flushed than before. Applebloom is just refusing to meet my eyes, but she’s also got a blush for some reason. Did my pants come undone, or something?

Nope, fly’s up and everything. Guess they’re just embarrassed because they can’t come up with anything. “Well, I guess I’ll go then, just... call me if you come up with something.” I place Scootaloo down gently, and crawl my way through the clubhouse door. Cute kids, but... strange.

Scootaloo appeared to be waking up as I left, and had a sad look on her face, but there’s only so much weirdness I can take at once. Maybe I can... wait, I haven’t even been to Applejack’s house in a while. I wonder if they need any help up there? The clubhouse is on the property, so it can’t be too far. Just past this hill of apple trees, right?

I must’ve wandered into a trans-dimensional warp or something, because I’ve been wandering beneath these trees for days. The searing heat of the sun is baking my brain, and I’ve not seen any sign of civilization or life beyond the endless trees. I should’ve stayed back. I should’ve known that the universe would do this to me!

I’m going to die out here! I’ll be lost forever, flickering out and never seen again! Woe is me! Woe is m-

Oh, wait, there’s the farmhouse.

I trek up the hill and look back, the clubhouse peeking up over the foliage of the next hill over.

Huh, guess it was only, like, twenty minutes. Tops. Well, I feel like a dumbass. I wonder if that means the same thing here? Do they have donkeys? I decide to ask later. I head up to the farmhouse and knock on the door.

The door opens with a creak, and a withered sack of green wrinkles looks up at me. Granny Smith sure is looking better from the last time I saw her.

“Heya, Granny Smith, how are you today?”

She smiles up at me, a warmth in that smile reminding me of my own grandma. “I’m doin’ alright. The insurance money from the orchard that great burnin’ galoot torched came in, and we got m’ hip replaced! See-ram-ic and arcanium! I c’n walk better now than I could forty years ago! And we had enough saplin’s to replant without needin’ the money, so tha’s even better. How’s you doin’, Anty-boy?”

Wow... that was... close to my name. Thank god it’s just her way of speaking. “I’m doing great. I figured since I didn’t have anything to do today, I’d see if you needed any help. Not sure what I could do, but I’m making the offer all the same.”

“Weeell... c’n ya do any pipin’? the kitchen sink is clogged agin, and Applejack and Big Mac don’t know squat ‘bout nothin to do with pipes.”

“Well, I’m not exactly an expert, but I’ll give it a shot. Show me the pipes.”

Granny Smith leads me into the kitchen, and points at the double sink. One side was so dry that the little cracks in the porcelain were visible. The other was almost overflowing with black-green water, and smelled like a sewer had thrown up in it.

“Yep, you definitely got a problem. I’ll see what I can do...” I think for a moment. I suppose I could just reach into the drain and see if I can find the blockage... but that water... is no longer water. Come on man, you’ve killed a Changeling Queen, you’ve literally blown a demon’s head off, you’re the hero of Equestria and... you’re gonna need a looooooong shower after this.

Closing my eyes, I reach my hand into the not-water and feel for the drain. Once I find it, I reach in, trying to see if I can touch whatever’s stopping up the sink. I could probably go intangible... no, then it’d be in me, and I really don’t want to think of the implications.

“Well, y’ gonna fix it?” Granny’s voice urges me forward, and I swallow the lump in my throat and whimper. The water feels like... well, not like water. I also can’t feel the pipe as anything more than pressure around my wrist. Also, I think I may be stuck.

That said, I think I found the problem. Whatever it is, it’s grainy and mushy all at once, like really low-grade schnapps runoff. It’s packed in, and probably settled into the pipe when it was backed up slightly, and then just piled on top of the obstruction. I’d need a pretty powerful batch of Liquid Plumber, or the assistance of a star-powered Mario to get through it.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any of those, so I’m gonna have to think. Then I get an idea. I enter my Heat form and heat up my other hand over the not-water. I’m gonna try and make this sludge evaporate. Several seconds on high heat pass, and I’m starting to see the water bubble, then boil. It’s working! But the stench is really doing a number on my gag reflex.

...Oh god, it’s cooking onto my arm!

It’s like the cast all over again, but when I pull my hand out in panic, I see that it’s a crusty green-black-brown, and smells like the rancid insides of something that died of cholera.

Or diarrhea. I am suddenly so glad I only put one arm into the sink.

Granny smith starts cracking up. “Sonny, you do know we’ve got one ah them fancy pipe-cleanin’ doohickies, right?”

“Well, yeah, but if you push the blockage from the sink end, it’ll just get stuck further down the pipe. You need to push the stuff up or you risk making the problem worse.”

Granny Smith nods sagely. “Tha’s why it’s a grabby-one.”

“...” I sigh. God damnit. I end up with my arm looking like I just punched the Swamp-Thing for nothing. Fuck my life. “Alright, where is it?”

“Right above th’ sink, Anty-boy.” I look up. It’s right at eye level.

“Right.” I grab it and pull my arm out of the drain. That was probably the most disgusting noise I’ve heard in my life. Anyway, I lead the tool down into the drain and when I feel resistance, I try and grab it. I pull up a mass of rusty, organic sludge... and a mass of blonde and red hairs. “Uh... huh.”

“Dag-nabbit! Those look like Applebloom and Applejack’s hair! Ooh, I’m gonna give ‘em sucha walloping’ when they get back, they won’t be able to sit fer a month!”

I think for a moment. They’re quadrupeds, how often do they need to sit, anyways?

The sink gurgles and slurps as the now-cleared drain slowly does its thing, leaving a crusty layer of baked gunk on the sides of the sink. Granny Smith eyes my arm. “Well, Ah guess y’all should get yer arm cleaned off. I’d offer th’ sink, but... Don’ want it gettin’ clogged again. Take yerself to the hog pen, they’ll clean ya, an’ they don’ bite, neither.”

“...fine, where’s the pen?”

Now that that horrific experience is over and my arm is clean, minus the pig slobber, I decide I have learned my lesson. Don’t offer help to the Apples!

I still don’t have anything to do today though, so I think on what other ways I could waste time. Maybe I can finally talk to Twilight about the harp? That seems like it might take another couple of hours. I think I’ll try something a bit... softer for a demonstration though. Not sure how well she’d take to my appreciation for dark music.

I make my way to the library, looking around me as I go. Everyone has fully accepted me and then some! I can remember when I first came here, all the closed doors, scared faces... that’s all over. I’m accepted. These ponies aren’t so bad, I guess. As long as they keep their minds off my junk, that is. I’m going to have to make Canterlot hear my speech next.

I return to the library, go into my room, and pull out the harp. The sunlight coming in through the window leave stark, deep shadows of nightscape on the instrument, and I take a moment to look closer at it. The strings themselves are thin strands of night time, and I shake my head. It’s quite obviously a powerfully magic artifact. Or, at least, a really impressive party-trick, one of the two.

I head down the stairs, just in time to see Twilight walking back in, levitating a large wooden crate, the top already being pried off with nothing but magical force. Damn this unicorn is strong.

“Hey Twi. What’s in the box?”

“Hmm? Oh my package arrived from Canterlot! They had to bring it down slowly, by cart and carriage. It must’ve gotten held up in Fetlock, the town at the base of Mt. Canter.” Fetlock, at the foot of a mountain. I swear, I lost brain cells from that. Twilight set the crate down, and propped herself up on the edge, like a puppy trying to see into a box. I hear her squeal with delight as she pulls out... a single, battered journal.

For a moment, she keeps her delighted face, but it fades as she looks at the book. “Uhm... I don’t recognize this... is it written in gryphon?” she holds up the book in her magical grasp, and she makes an almost pained noise in the back of her throat as she looks over the pages inside. She looks at me with a pitiful expression, ears down and her eyes wide. The book, labeled “Mein Tagebuch” floats in front of her. beneath the title, a smaller line of text reads, “Nicht öffnen!”

“Well I’d help, but I don’t know much German, honestly...”

“German? This is gryphon!” She pokes at the book again, still looking miserable.

“Well, it certainly looks a lot like German to me. You probably have similar languages as humans but have different names. For example. I have a bit of understanding of French. With an ‘F’.”

At this point, she’s stopped paying attention, pawing at the book as if petting it will make it divulge its secrets to her. Offhandedly, she replies, “It’s prench, from Prance. Fancee is a dialect.” she doesn’t appear to be actually responding to my statement, but a statement from someone else, probably said a long while ago.

“Why do you want to read this anyway? It’s just someone’s diary or something. Seriously, what’s so important about some bird-lion’s journal?”

She turns the book back to me, flipping open to the first page. The inside cover has more writing on it. “Because of whose it is! I recognize the name, it’s the title he used while in the Gryphon Empires!” The words she’s pointing at are ‘Wirbelnde-Sterne der Bart.’, which is a load of gibberish to me.

“Sorry Twilight, but it’s just some German junk. I don’t read it fluently.”

She perks up at the last word. “But you do speak it a little? You could help me get started on a translation! The lost works of Starswirl the Bearded!” A sudden gust of wind stirs the room, sending some of Twilight’s research notes fluttering into the air and causing the journal’s pages to flip wildly. Twilight immediately began grabbing all the loose pages and collecting them. “Oh, drat, Spike or Rainbow Dash must’ve left a window open again. I suppose if you’re not interested, Anthony, then you’re not interested. Did you have anything you wanted?”

“Hmmm, not exactly say as much as show.” I hold up the harp to Twilight.

Twilight gasps and drops the book. Wow. I didn’t think the harp was that impressive. Her entire expression is wide, and I feel the harp get yanked from my grip, sailing into Twilight’s hooves. She immediately begins rotating and turning it, examining it from every angle.

“How did you get this?” She hisses at me, a look of... terror? Yeah, I think that’s terror on her face. What is wrong with this harp?

“Well, I got it from a Unicorn I met a few days ago in the park. Her name was Lyra Heartstrings.”

“Who?” Twilight furrows her brow, and I can see from here that her breathing has picked up in pace. Jeez, something has her scared.

“I have no idea, but she certainly seemed to know a lot about me. Anyway, what’s so special about the harp? I mean, there’s something I know is strange about it, but what do you know?”

“This isn’t ‘A Harp’, it’s a lyre, for one... secondly, it’s the Lyre, all others are based on this Lyre. It’s the Fundamental Lyre, and without it, stringed instruments wouldn’t exist!” Twilight stopped to suck in a breath. “It’s also Princess Luna’s!”

“So this was design number zero, huh? Well, guess it’s mine now.”

“You can’t just steal one of the Fundamental Tools of Creation!” Twilight looks aghast at my announcement, clutching the lyre with all four limbs and her magic aura.

“I didn’t steal it. It was given to me by someone who was definitely not princess Luna. I stole nothing, just acquired it from the thief.”

“That’s still stealing! I’m going to get this sent back!” Her eyes have gone wild. There has got to be more to this harp if she’s going this nuts about- wait, she called it a ‘Fundamental Tool of Creation’, and even I could hear the Capital Lettering on that title.

“Well, wouldn’t it be better to be held by someone of similar power to Luna’s before it’s official return?”

“No! There’s no telling what sort of calamities could be summoned or manifested! It’s a tool of unimaginable power and unknown utilities! We don’t even know how it works!” She stared at me, panting and flailing her forelimbs for emphasis.

I scoff. “I know how it works.”

Her forelegs came down. “Y- you do?”

“The lyre, please?” I hold out my hand, and once she reluctant parts with it, I hold it up. “First of all, it’s a musical instrument, no matter what powers it has, so of course that’s it’s main function. Now, how about a song? A song from my world?”

I Spark up and focus on the song. “This song is called What I've Done.” With that, I begin to play the lyre as before.

My fingers find the strings by instinct once more, tugging, pulling, plucking and caressing to pull forth the notes as needed. This time, it doesn’t start with a screech, probably because it’s already set to ‘band’. The music flows out, and I sing along, the lyrics sad and almost depressing. Once the song ends, I see Twilight staring in shock.

“A-Anthony! You have no idea what that might’ve done! What if you played a song and made weather happen, or an earthquake, or- or-”

“And? Can’t you control your weather? Or stop earthquakes? What happened to all that environmental control you had?”

“Anthony, you’re holding one of the eight things that made the world! You’re basically asking what an ant would do if a rhino had been about to step on it! they’re strong, sure, but not that strong!”

“So what you’re saying is, I’d be giving Equestria a taste of what my world deals with on a regular basis?”

“No, you’d be changing the fundamental structure of Terra! You could’ve made an unending, ever-growing hurricane, or an earthquake that continues for centuries, or a tidal wave immune to wind resistance and friction!”

Okay, those thoughts never would’ve occurred to me without serious prompting.

“Well, then if it’s Luna’s and it’s so gosh-darned important, why’d she let it get stolen? How’d that other pony get it?”

Twilight shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know! She gave each of the Fundamental Tools to a constellation of stars to keep safe, where nothing can get to any of the tools at all. The Stars use them to grant wishes.”

I think. Constellations. “Hmmm, one wouldn’t happen to be a weighing scale of rather simple design, would it?”

“Yes, Libra. The scales have control of the balance of morality.” Those I could see having catastrophic consequences for messing with.

“Leo, Cassiopea, Aquarius. Just to name a few. And of course, Lyra”

“Well, not quite. The Lyre is one of them, along with the Scales. There’s also the Sword, the Crown, and the Hammer.” Twilight said.

“Alright. the Sword... That’s either Orion the Hunter... or the other one I can’t remember, the Hero.”

“No, Orion is one of the heroes of the old Unicorn nation, before Equestria. Marecules is the constellation dedicated to the earth pony hero who defeated a corrupted alicorn with her strength alone.”

“Huh, well, I’m only going off of the stuff I know from my world. Oh yeah, that’s it. It was Perseus, the Hero. Anyway, yeah. I’m only going off my knowledge of the constellations that I was taught in human school. You ponies are bound to have some differences.”

Twilight nodded. “That makes sense. That you recognized any at all is impressive. But Leo is a type of monster-class creature here. In the order Stellamorphous, to be precise. All of these parallels, though... do you think that, maybe, our worlds were connected, once?”

“I don’t doubt it, anything’s possible when you figure in the ‘infinite-universes’ theory, which I happen to believe in. Also, I suppose another Stellar creature is Taurus, a bull?”

“Cattle, but yes, they’re pretty common in the Minotaur’s countries. They raise them as sacred animals.”

“Taurus is a bull in the human constellations. Eh, whatever, I suppose there’s not a huge difference. So if each of the Artifacts have some purpose, what’s the Lyre supposed to do aside from supposedly create unnatural disasters?”

“The Lyre is supposed to control Destiny, or the Future. It’s not clear, actually; the legends are really old.” Twilight fidgets in place.

“Huh, that sounds like trouble. Fine, I’ll give the Lyre to Luna after tomorrow.”

Twilight nodded. “Thank you. I don’t know how somepony could’ve stolen it, but it shouldn’t be running around.” Twilight, shuddering from the adrenaline crash, went to the couch and lay down on it. “Oh jeez, I am exhausted. I’ll... I’ll reshelve the...” Twilight yawned broadly. “in th’ ev’n’n...” She was snoring before long at all.

I think about the instrument in my hands. I seem to have control over the way it plays so wouldn’t that mean that I have control over what it does? Couldn’t I just tell it not to cause any disasters? Eh, whatever, I’m still gonna rock that party tomorrow. Vinyl might like some of our music. Who knows. I wonder what I’ll play... I think on that for a bit, but decide I’ll choose one once I’m on stage. This is gonna be good.

Chapter 25

The next day -

It’s a perfect day for an indoors party: the weather was scheduled for rainy until tomorrow morning. Still, this’ll be a good chance to just mingle, have fun, and party. Also, show off, because I can.

I first look out for Vinyl, since we haven’t chatted for a while and I want to show her my new instrument. I think she’ll like it a lot.

I check out the large building booked specifically for the party, and see that Vinyl is over by the stage already, levitating one large box at a time onto the stage itself.

“Heya, Scratch. Gettin’ set up?”

“Yo! Anthony! How’re you doin’, buddy?”

“Fantastic! I even might join you in entertaining the crowd, I got something that is just awesome!” I hold up the lyre.

“Sweet strings! I just need to unpack my gear, if you’ll gimme a sec, we can hang ‘till the party.”

“Awesome, and I’ll get a chance to give these ponies a taste of human music. You might like it.”

“I didn’t know you play, dude. You’ll have to give me a demo once this is all set up.”

“You got it. So, how’s Tavi doing? She back in Canterlot?”

“What, and miss a Pinkie Party of this size? As if. My ‘cuz isn’t party-shy or anything. She’s got a gig this weekend, though.”

“Awesome. I’d like to show her what strings can really do. Well, some strings that is.”

“That must be one hell of a harp to warrant that kind of confidence. Huph, there we go. I just need to plug in these speakers, and I’m all set for the night.” I turn and look at the speakers she’s talking about, each of them almost as tall as I am. They’re all pointed towards the dance floor, and they light up like something out of Tron once they’re plugged in. Best. Party. Ever.

“Well as I said before, it’s not the instrument, it’s the musician. You give it a try.” I hand her the lyre so she can give it a shot, knowing full well it’s going to be far from fantastic.

She puts up a hoof. “Nah, the only strings I’m good with are violins and banjos, and one of those are banned from Canterlot.”

“You play the banjo? Dude, you gotta show me some time. Until then, here’s a song called Points and Authority.”

My hands dip into my Spark’s power, shadows turning to night where they touch the harp. I brush the strings, and the song pours forth. I sing along, my voice altered to sound like it’s coming through a radio in the process. My voice normalizes with the song, and Vinyl watches in awe.

“Dude! that was awesome! I could hear, like, drums and a guitar in there! Man, I don’t know what kind of enchantments you got on that harp-a-ma-jig, but you better hold onto it! That thing must be worth a fortune.” She laughs and elbows me in the hip. “But before we get all serious, how about we get some grub? I know this place that sells the best fish-salad. You eat fish, right?”

“I was worried that unicorns didn’t. Let’s go, I could use a bite to eat. Haven’t eaten in... five days.”

“Woah, man, starvation is no joke. You need to get an assistant - it’s what unicorns who don’t eat tend to do.”

“I don’t need to eat much though.” I Spark up again. “You think this is just a pretty lightshow? Ask the locals, I blew off a demons head!”

“Yeah, dude, there’s been tabloids and newspaper reports for the last month and a half. You’re a big name these days.” Vinyl laughed as she led me out the door. “Anyways, you like milkshakes? It’s been awhile since I’ve been in the po-nay-ville, but if Maestro Gourmet still has a restaurant here, then he still owes me a favor. He makes the most awesome milkshakes ever.”

“Heh, yeah I like shakes. I just wonder how long they’ll be able to keep printing news about me when I’ve only done one major thing. Though I guess it is pretty major. You should see some of my fan mail. You ponies are either desperate or just really horny.”

Vinyl laughs. “Well, as you can see by my forehead, I am rather horny. But nah, they’ll keep printing for a while.” She grinned further. “Especially since there’s a rumor running strong that you went on a date with one of the Elements of Harmony, being perpetuated by somepony named ‘Amorous Intent’.”

“Well, I don’t know where he or she gets her info, but it wasn’t a date. Well actually... no, it wasn’t a date. Besides, the circumstances were a bit different.”

“Ooh? Do tell!” Vinyl flashed me a grin over her glasses, her magenta eyes sparkling. “I can get good money for quashing a rumor. Or giving evidence for it.”

“So could I, probably. Anyway, Twilight tried a spell that was suppose to make me a pony. She messed up and turned Pinkie into a human.” I let that sink in for a moment and continue. “Now, I’m not too crazy about you ponies, but Pinkie as a human? Damn she was fine!” I give her a grin. “But it wasn’t a date.”

“Wow, you sound like one of Octy’s suitors when they think they’re in the clear just ‘cuz they’re near the brash, crass Vinyl Scratch. Heh, man are they wrong.” She chuckles. “Alright, I won’t go spreading that around, too many ponies would just turn into humans and throw themselves atchya.”

“Heh, throwing themselves is easy. Touching me on the other hand...” I Spark up once more and walk through a tree on the side of path. “Now that’s the challenge.”

“Yeah, but imagine having all those grubby, stuffy unicorns-turned-humans passing through you. They’d be touching you in places not meant for contact!” Vinyl points out with a laugh.

“Ya got me there, yeah, I don’t think I want that hassle.”

We get to the restaurant and I get us a table while Vinyl turns for the back of the place. “Anyway, I’m gonna go see about cashing in that favor.”

I sit at the table and wait. I hold up the lyre and think about what Twilight said. It’s supposed to be held by a constellation. That pony in the park said her name was Lyra, just like the constellation, and Twilight mentioned that there are stellar creatures... Was that how that Heartstrings mare knew so much about me? She’s a stellar being like me? It would certainly explain a lot... but why give me this? It’s a kickass party trick, but she must have had some reason for it. Maybe Luna would know.

But I don’t care what Luna says or does, I’m definitely keeping this. It’s mine now, and that’s that.

I get a bit bored so I pull out some coal and start messing with it, making it float in front of my face, swirling around as dust or solidifying into various shapes. I just set it aflame and keep it hovering in front of me, staring at the flickering blaze. The coal starts to wear down as the fire eats at it, so I put it out and think about the various uses. I pull out a bit more coal and form it into a simple, three-fingered claw shape. I watch as I make it work it’s joints, opening and closing. I add more coal to it until I’ve used about half my stash.

I make it form a normal human hand, roughly the size of mine. It’s not a perfect representation, but decent enough. I make my floating construct wiggle its fingers, form a fist, and use it to give a random pony the finger while they’re turned away. Heh.

I look to the table and I see the salt and pepper shakers. I have the hand float over and it picks up the salt shaker with just as much precision as a normal human. I have the coal-hand hold up the shaker and then set it down, switching to the pepper, which I order the hand to drop into my normal human palm, which it does, obviously. Turning back to the hand, I reshape the fingers, making them thinner and more curved, making a set of claws. I don’t know why, but I feel mesmerized by my control over it. I mean it’s expected, it’s coal after all, but I’ve never made something like a hand before. Something so complex and intricate, yet simple in shape...

The way I can just... order it to move, to wave, pick things up as if it were a part of me. It’s hypnotic, like I’m connected to hit. Like it’s my hand. But that illusion is shattered once I have it pick up the salt shaker and there’s no nervous signal of me holding it. Of course there isn’t, it’s not even connected to me, and yet... that doesn’t matter. It’s still me controlling it. Then I realize something.

If I’d have thought of this earlier, I could have fixed Granny Smith’s sink without even touching that disgusting sludge! I mentally facepalm, but unfortunately, my coal-hand thinks I gave it an order, and I end up smacking myself in the face with a piece of coal, which then falls to my lap now that I’m not thinking about holding it up. I guess I need a bit more practice with this ‘focus’ thing than I thought.

Vinyl sauntered back towards me, a trio of drinks in her grip, and a little placard with a number on it.

“Here ya go... wait, what’s up with your face, dude?” She looks at me, an eyebrow quirked. It looks like she’s trying to hold back laughter.

I realize the facepalm must have left a coal-dust imprint on me. “Aw, it’s nothing.” I hold up my hand and pull the dust away from my face and into my hand, and told it to go back in my coal pouch.

Vinyl shakes her head mirthfully. “Ha, well, you should put it back on. That face-paint look was gnarly. Anyways, here’s your drink, these two are mine.”

I take the milkshake and take a sip. Chocolate, awesome.

“Oh, yeah, I ordered a fish platter to split, Maestro’s working his magic in the back. Said he’ll bring it out for us. Oh, that reminds me, you got any plans for the party itself, when you’re not performing? I’m planning to hit the dry bar. Pinkie never brings anything with alcohol, but I’m fine with the punches she usually brings in. I hear they’re local-brewed.”

“Huh, I kinda passed up the chance during my Ponyville Initiation party awhile back. As for ideas, not really. Though I do wonder, how well would most ponies take dark music?”

Vinyl shrugged, then gulped down part of her first drink. “I guess it depends on the pony. Around here, I have no idea, but I think there’ll be foals around. Still, most ponies should be fine, as long as it isn’t too negative. Harmonic Magics and all, y’know.”

“Well, I had one planned, but now that you mention foals... I think I have a better one. No less intense though.” The mention of Harmonic Magics intrigues me, but I’ll just ask Twilight later about it.

“Well, if it’s good and has a strong beat, ponies will like it just fine.” Vinyl throws back another gulp of her drink, finishing it off. Wait, two gulps for a drink that size? Huh.

“Oh trust me, it’s good. At least it is if you ask me. You a fan of hard rock? It’s real popular in my world.”

“Hard rock? Sounds like farm music to me. You got lotsa lithoculturalists where you come from?” What’s a lithoculturalist?

“Uh, what?”

“Y’know, rock farmers. Like Pinkie’s folks.”

I pause at that. Pinkie’s parents farm rocks? The heck? “...I’ll ask later. Anyway, no, we don’t have rock farmers. In this case, it refers to Rock and Roll that’s a bit heavier than typical. I’ll give you a chance to hear it at the party.”

“Rock and Roll? Weird name for a type of music. Anyways, We should-” she’s cut off as a large platter of fish, with seven beautifully cooked and presented fish, is set in front of us. I look over, and stop for a second. Then, I look up, and am now staring at a very large, imposing gryphon. The gryphon’s silvery-white feathers fade to a golden-brown past his head and neck, and he’s wearing a white chef’s smock, with a bandoleer of cooking implements over one shoulder. At least three types of cleaver are visible.

“Maestro! That was prompt, you’re getting faster, dude.” Vinyl held out a hoof, to which the gryphon - apparently Maestro - gave a stern, serious bump with his claw, held in a fist.

“I am always seeking to improof myself, Mezz Scratch. And you, mezzer Anthony. Your fighting is very beeindruckend, ah, impressive. Mezz Scratch, she take good care of me when I needed help, I am sure that that she vill take good care uff hyu too.” his accent seemed to get thicker the more he spoke. It was a touch curious, but what had my real attention was the fact that he was a bit taller than Cadence, and might have been a contender for Celestia.

“I don’t really know what you mean by her taking care of me, but if Vinyl’s telling the truth, this is gonna be some great fish.”

“I vould not let it be less for ze one who sayffed my Gaststätte, my humble place uff food. She takes good care uff her friends, she is good pony to haff, as zey say, ‘on hoof’, ja? Good to haff around.”

“I think I’d agree with that.” I turn to Vinyl. “Never pegged you for a hero. You got a costume stashed in with your equipment back there?”

“Oh, I’ve got costumes, but they aren’t public appropriate, if you catch my drift.” Vinyl’s smile grew a little wider. “What Maestro here is talking about is when he first started this place up, all the ponies around here were terrified of him. I didn’t really care, so I start coming here. Once ponies saw I wasn’t being attacked and devoured whenever I went in, they started showing up, too. Saved his place from having to be shut down from lack of income.”

“Wait, devoured? Unless what I know of gryphons is wrong, they don’t eat ponies.” I turn to the chef beside me for clarification.

“Though it is not prepared any more, the recipe for tartar, pony steak, is still passed down the generations. And I doubt my frau, my wife, would appreciate if I did not... ‘eat her’ at least once a night. Would be bad for relationship, ja?”

“Heh, yeah, I keep hearing tartar be mentioned. This place must be different, because at home, the stuff is made with cow.”

“Would just be steak then, would it not?” Maestro points out, quirking a feathered eyebrow.

“We have tons of words for other words, it’s kind of annoying. But yeah, I’m looking forward to this fish. It certainly smells really good.”

My stomach rumbles, and I look down to see that, while I’ve been talking, Vinyl has already dug into the fish on the other side. In fact, she’s almost done, and I scramble to catch up, tearing into the delicious, delicious fish.

A near-overload of tastes hits me like a wall, spices and and herbs riding the flavor of the fish across my senses. It’s like eating a piscine piece of heaven. The fish is slightly flaky, and just juicy enough to practically melt in my mouth.

Before too long, I’ve finished three fish, and Vinyl has done the same, the last fish sitting between us. Maestro has gone back to the kitchen already, preparing food for the other patrons of the restaurant. I take the moment to look around, and see that it’s mostly pegasi and earth ponies. In fact, Scratch is the only unicorn in the joint. Makes sense. Flutters said that most unicorns don’t eat fish. No surprises here. I look at the last fish, then at Vinyl.

“I could fight you for it, but I’m not in the mood.” I pull out some coal and, making a solid, sharp cleaver blade, chop it in half as best I can. “Neat trick, huh?”

Vinyl, already looking a bit tubby from the three large fish in her rather small belly, scoffs. “You’re just avoiding a fight with me ‘cuz I’d win from sheer awesomeness.” One half of the fish levitates over to her side of the wide platter.

I sigh. “Why can’t more of these ponies be like you? The place would be at least eight times less lame.”

Vinyl waved a hoof and swallowed the mouthful of fish she’d gotten. “Mmph, if everypony were as awesome as I, the universe would explode. It’s strained already from the League of DJs, anyhow.”

I just give her a grin and grab my half of the fish. “Yeah, that would be bad. I wouldn’t have any more adoring fans.” I then take a big bite out of the fish. It looks kind of like salmon of some kind.

The two of us eat the remainders of our fish, trading quips and well-intentioned insults back and forth the entire time. Afterwards, Vinyl gives a loud, table-rattling belch, then thumps herself on the chest. “Drat, didn’t get it at full force. What about you, man?” I hear the gryphon in the back call out a gruff ‘you’re welcome!’ as I prepare my own.

Guess I don’t have to hold back. I haven’t done this in a while, but I’m gonna give it a shot anyway. A strong, windy belch echoes forth, but I can’t seem to get the volume I wanted, nor the timber I needed. Still, Maestro calls out another ‘you’re welcome!’, so I must’ve done alright.

“Ah, so much better.” Vinyl slumps back in her seat. “By the way, dude, never do that in Canterlot. It’s polite around gryphons, pegasi, and earth ponies, but most unicorns are a bunch of uptight snobs. ‘Specially in the big C.”

I roll my eyes in agreement. “Yeah, when I was around there, the most fun I had was at the club, in the mall’s toy section, and chatting with the princesses. How do they not keel over from boredom?”

“‘Cuz they have art museums, where the artwork they paid for or made themselves gets cooed over by their sycophants and allies, or boo’d at by their enemies and detractors.” Vinyl’s response was cool in tone, and I could see her brows furrow behind her glasses.

“Yeah, art galleries are not really my thing. I prefer parties... which we should probably attend, considering guests might have started arriving by now. You know Pinkie’s parties. Early arrivals are the norm.”

“Pfft, the party don’t start ‘till I trot in. ‘Sides, we’ve gotta work off this food somehow, or I’m gonna pass out in the DJ booth.”

“So what? We run laps around town?”

“Nah, we’ll just jog to the party in a few minutes. First, though, let’s get one more milkshake each.”

“Sounds good. I really can’t wait to show you and all these ponies what music I listen to.”

“Heh.”

As we waddle back to the building the party’s booked at, the Cloudburst Begins, and we’re soaked almost instantly.

“Nice try, but you pranksters will have to do better than that.” I enter my Heat form and evaporate all the water off of me.

Vinyl looks over at me, her ‘do already waterlogged and flat. “Dude, the rain’s scheduled for today, it must be three already. I guess we’d better hurry after all. DJ-PON3 hasn’t been late to a gig yet, and I don’t plan on that changing!”

“Right, rain schedule. Forgot. I guess I’m just used to this prank war. Pinkie and Dash are going down someday.” I grin. “You uh, gonna need some help drying off when we get inside?”

She nods, her mane flopping in the rain.

We step inside, and the first thing she does is shake like a dog, her entire coat and mane poofing out. While this means her mane is back to being in those natural spikes I’m used to, the rest of her looks so... poofy!

“Ha! Oh man I wish I had a camera! This is gold!”

“Ah, just dry me already!” Vinyl sounds a touch disgruntled.

I begin generating heat again and wave my hands around her body, heating her up to dry her off. The heat drying leaves her entire body still poofy, no matter what she does to try smoothing it down. Honestly, it’s very cute, but I can understand it’d totally ruin her hardcore DJ persona forever.

“And that’s why you shouldn’t shake. You end up looking like a giant stuffed animal.”

“Argh! I’m so fluffy I could die!” Vinyl shouts, while trying to pat her fur down. Deciding to help, I try petting her fur back into place, keeping my hands warm, to act kind of like hair straighteners.

She smile and leans into my ministrations, and I realize she’s falling asleep when she sort of tips towards me, and I have to pat her on the face to make her wake up.

“Oh, sorry dude. Those fingers are awesome. Hey, if I get my hoof chopped off, you think they could make a robot arm with fingers on it, like in those comic books?”

I shrug with disbelief. “Probably not. Well, maybe, but it might not work exactly the way you expect.”

“Ooh, but think of the possibilities!” She starts heading towards the stage’s side entrance. “All the things I could do... all the ponies I could do them to...” She grins widely, obviously thinking of what she could do with a robo-hoof-hand.

“I can probably think of all the things you’re imagining.” I say, wiggling my fingers. “But trust me, if you chop off your hoof and find out that they can’t replace it, you might as well paint ‘idiot’ over your Cutie Mark.”

“And then, the hangover the next morning will be the least of my problems.” Vinyl quips back, and we step up onto the stage.

“Alright, I’ll let you do your thing, miss Master DJ. I’m thinking I’ll give a few sample songs of my own later.”

“Alright, fine. You go mingle, I’ll hold the fort. Thanks for the dry-off and brush down, man.”

“Aw, it’s the least I could do.” I then give her a grin. “Count yourself lucky I decided to not leave you with a poofy rear-end.” I walk off to hang around the other party guests, chuckling at the mental image.

I wade out into the sea of ponies who’ve showed up, and I get a big hello from Pinkie. She still makes me smile just by being herself, even if ‘we’ won’t go anywhere. Besides, friendship is all I really need. I just needed to get that kiss outta my system. I find a place to sit down and just relax. I figure it won’t be long before someone comes over and wants to chat with the ‘Hero of Ponyville’.

The first pony that comes up is accompanied by a parent, and the little filly comes over and puts a hoof on my leg. It looks like her parent is going to pull her back, but I just say. “You know, if ya wanna know something, you can just ask, little filly.”

The filly looks up at me with big, soft eyes. “Can I have a hug?”

The mother, apparently thinking I don’t like kids or something reaches out to pull her daughter back. Killjoy parents are annoying. I pick up the filly and give her a hug. Not very hard, but still firm enough to constitute an actual hug rather than just a light hold.

The filly snuggles into my embrace, eliciting a smile from me. I chuckle as I put her down gently. The mother looks disapprovingly at her child. If it weren’t for the fact that the two look almost identical, I’d have a hard time telling they’re related, actually, given how differently they act.

The mother pulls her daughter away, muttering angrily at the child. I can’t really do much more than make a scene, and decide not to push it. That said, if I see a way to give that filly a brighter day in the future, I’m taking it then and there. In fact, that gives me an idea. I’ll have to ask Rarity if she can make me a shirt that says “Free Hugs” on it...

“Anthony! It’s so good to see you here at the party!” I don’t get a chance to respond before Pinkie has glomped me, hugging me close for a moment, then letting me go.

“Well, it is for me, and even though the first one for me didn’t really last that long, I attended, didn’t I?” I boop her nose.

“Heehee! Yupperoonie, you sure did. Hey, you should play some games with me in a little bit! There’s all sort of party games available tonight!” Pinkie doesn’t wait for a response before pronking into the crowd. For being a neon-pink bouncing pony, she disappears in crowds eerily easily.

When she mentioned party games, the first thing in my head was ‘Twister’ but then I remembered that, being quadrupedal, it might be either really easy, or near-impossible for them. What else would they have?

As I try to think of possible pony party plans, another of the colorful equines comes up, a youngish looking mare with a cautious, hopeful look on her face, and at least four friends trying - and failing - to urge her on from the sidelines surreptitiously.

“I, ah, uhm...” Her pick-up lines need some help, I can tell. “Could, I, uh...”

With less than ten syllables spoken, she’s already made herself blush bright enough to call home lost ships through the fog.

“Ye~es?” I ask with a grin, extending the word to urge her to finish her request.

She continues to stumble over her words, blush growing ever redder with every stuttered syllable, and she keep glancing back at her friends. It’s almost a full minute later that she finally says something coherent. “C- could I a-a-ask you t-t-to th- the uhm, dance?”

“Ah, a school dance huh? Well aren’t you the brave mare. I’m not sure if I’d be entirely welcome, but... maybe you’d have better luck asking a stallion. I appreciate the offer though. You’re nice.” I give her a sweet smile, letting her down as gently as I could. I didn’t want to do anything like that, I hated school dances, but I didn’t want to be a jerk.

“N-no, the d-d-dance here. A-at the party.” I see her friends begin looming eagerly behind their friend.

“Well, that’s a different story. I suppose one dance wouldn’t hurt. Sure, why not? Though it might be a bit odd dancing with someone with only two legs, fair warning.” She nods, then runs back to her friends, and the whole group squees and moves off, likely to get a dance for one of the others.

I shake my head and chuckle. I’m a freaking stud. Shame none of them are my type. Human that is.

A tall, well-muscled stallion, perfectly white coat and golden-yellow mane, strides towards me, the crowd parting almost instinctively for him. His advance is like watching a glacier on fast forward, and about as inevitable. He stops right in front of my chair, standing as stiff as a new recruit with a drill sergeant nearby. After several moments of him not moving or saying anything, I decide to speak up, instead of waiting any longer for him to do something.

“May I help you, sir?”

He doesn’t turn to look at me or anything, simply responding, “I am here for observation at the moment, nothing more.”

Hmm, if that stick was any farther up his butt, it’d be photosynthesizing out his ears. “Well, I’m not sure if there’s that much to see. Just a guy who likes a bit of action.” The pony doesn’t respond. For all he does anything, he could be a statue, and I don’t think I’d notice any difference. “You waiting for a goodbye kiss?” I ask with a smirk.

“No.”

Well considering he’s staring straight forward at my crotch area, barely blinking he seems to be wanting something like that. That or it’s just unfortunate height with me sitting here. I’m hoping the latter. “Well, I see no reason to keep you. Seriously though, if you want to be taking notes from heroes or something, I’m not the one you want.”

“No. I will be fine. I am waiting.”

“For what? Me to do something cool?”

“No.” My, isn’t this a stimulating conversation.

“Well, then what is it? As much as I enjoy this riveting chat, it’s becoming rather boring.”

“I am waiting.” He continues to stand, and I notice that he’s stood there long enough that the other ponies have started reacting as if he’s either a piece of furniture or a pillar in the middle of the room. He is really still.

I lean back in the chair and fold my legs. “Okay. Then wait. I don’t have much to do except play some music later. Oh, and dance for a bit I suppose.”

When the pony doesn’t respond, I sigh and decide to stop paying attention. I’ll see if he’s still here when I get back from playing the songs.

I walk up to the stage by Vinyl, Lyre in hand, and wait for her to finish her current set.

As she finishes, I step onto stage, and hold out the Lyre. Vinyl announces that I’ll be providing a song from my homelands, and I chuckle, realizing that these ponies have no idea how awesome what I’m about to do is going to be. I hesitate for only moment when I see that the Soldier Pony is front-row center in front of the stage, once more as still as a weeping angel and almost as creepy.

“Alright everyone. I like your music and all, it’s great. But I wanna show you what us humans call ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll’. This song is called Levitate.”

I Spark up and begin strumming the Lyre, and watch the ponies’ reactions, and only turn back when I realize that part of the song is coming from behind me this time. It seems that the Lyre’s magic is co-opting Vinyl for some of the music.

In moments, almost every pony in the club is hopping, bobbing their heads, just about anything their bodies can do to get the music vibes moving with them. For the entire duration of the song, I play and sing along, the sounds of an entire band pouring from me and Vinyl together.

I’m panting as the song ends, slightly out of breath, but it feels like an almighty rush. I grin out at the crowd, and get ready to blow their minds again as they grin back. I can see Pinkie weaving between ponies to pass out drinks and hors d'oeuvres

“I have another song planned, but it’s... a bit different. I’m not entirely sure how well you’ll like it, but I think I’m gonna give you something a bit... Heavier. This one is a Hard Rock song called Divide.” As soon as I start, I know it’s a huge transition, but I really want to show these ponies what kind of music I like. As an afterthought, I add the coal dust to my face, applying it like quick makeup. With my face decorated with what looks like skull’s eye sockets and a set of fangs, I begin.

The ponies stand stunned for a few moments, but as the lyrics hit them, I see a few heads bob, and a few ponies are starting to smile as well. Almost halfway through, most of the ponies have at least started nodding along, and a few are bouncing in place a little.

I am, however, getting a few unhappy looks from what I’m guessing are the parents, judging by the fact that they have their hooves over a foal’s ears.

I’m not going to stop though, I like this, besides, seems others do as well.

I finish the song, and stay on stage as I remove the coal dust, starting to understand why musicians love to perform so much; it’s a real rush. Although, once more, my star form has picked up the shadows-to-starry-sky effect, and I still my Spark to get rid of the effect.

“So, how was that?” I ask. “I suppose we like our music a bit rough...”

Many ponies, but not all, cheered. About a third seemed to be in favor, half are about neutral, and the rest don’t seem to like it.

“Well, I’m fine with a bit of criticism. Those that enjoyed it, thank you. Those that didn’t, I apologize for having a much different culture from yours, and I forgive you for your racism.” With that and a bow, I walk off the stage.

Right in front of me is the Soldier Pony again, startling me. It’s weird, because I never seem to see him move, after that first time. “Relinquish the artifact.”

I cross my arms and simply reply with, “No.”

Chapter 26

The stallion readjusts himself to be even more solid and imposing, something I didn’t think was possible. “That was not a request. Relinquish control of the artifact, it is not yours.”

I scoff, holding the harp over his head above his reach. “It is now. What, you want it?” I summon some coal from my pouch and have it form a clamp around his muzzle.

For a moment, it holds. Then, he snorts, and the coal dissipates, completely gone. How the-? He’s not even a unicorn!

“Relinquish. The artifact.” He glares at me.

I fold my arms and glare at him. “I don’t think you want to fight me. Bystanders could get hurt, so just run along and take your business elsewhere, asshole.”

“I am not here to fight. I am here to collect the artifact, then return it. Those are my orders.”

“Return it to who? Why don’t I just talk to them?”

“Because Lyra is in trouble, and is not allowed to leave her place. She should not have given the Lyre to you in the first place.”

“We all make mistakes, dude. Finders keepers.”

“You did not merely ‘find’ it, any more than you find the sun in the morning. Now give me the artifact.”

“So Lyra can be saved right? Well, why not I help her, and I keep the Lyre?”

“She is in trouble because she gave you the Lyre. She does not need rescuing, she needs to learn to do what she is directed by Natoque.”

“So she wants to do what she wants, big deal. How about I give it to her, personally? Supposedly, this artifact is incredibly powerful, and I’m not about to trust it with a middleman.”

The stallion snorts angrily. “No. Relinquish it to me at once!” his voice rises, but I’m not very impressed. The demon had way more impressive pipes.

Pinkie hops over, and looks between us. “Hello! Who wants hors d'oeuvres?” A platter of small pieces of cheese, coated in chocolate and speared with a toothpick, sat on the plate.

“Ooh, awesome!” I grab one and pop it into my mouth. I wince at the taste, the first time with Pinkie’s creations. It tastes like stale gouda and overly-sweet milk chocolate. I turn to Pinkie. “So, uh, who’s catering?” At this point I’m not even paying the stallion any mind.

“Uh, I am! Right? Yeah! I’m catering! I got the recipe right, right?”

“Not bad, but just a bit more practice, I’m sure this is a bit different than cupcakes, so you’re allowed a bit of room for error.” I ruffle her mane and return to the stallion. “Are you still here? I don’t care who you are, because I don’t know who you are. How do I know you aren’t gonna steal the Lyre for yourself? How about some proof?”

He leans towards me, lengthening the shadows on his face in what I assume would be an intimidating manner if he wasn’t a good foot and a half shorter than me. “I have no need for the Lyre. That is Lyra’s tool, and I would not be able to utilize it with her degree of finesse. Now, give it to me, that I may return it to her.”

“You think I was born yesterday? I’ve heard just about every lie in the book and then some, I’m not gonna believe anyone I don’t know, especially ones who demand powerful mystical artifacts, claiming to know the owner. If you really wanted her to have it back, take me to her and I’ll give it back to her.”

“She has been derelict of her duties for fifteen nights! She must return to them, and for that she needs the Lyre!”

“Prove it, Captain Starched-Panties.”

The large stallion opens his mouth to say something, but stops when a hoof, blue-green and feminine, pats him on the shoulder.

“Stand down, Galeam, if he’s been this resistant to just handing it over, he won’t go giving it to just anyone.” I look at the new speaker, who is a rather smallish unicorn mare, reddish mane and a cutie-mark of a set of simple scales, one side overflowing with gold, the other with nothing but black smoke.

“I should think not. Seriously, I’m not a moron. Unless I know for sure that Lyra is going to be getting this, I’m not giving it up. Period.”

The mare nods, a pleasant smile on her face. “Alright. We will entrust the Lyre unto you, provided you promise not to allow any but Lyra to take it from you.” Her smile fell, and the room seemed to grow slightly darker. “But take care, this includes ‘lending’ the Lyre to anyone, be they pony or otherwise.”

“Do I look like I’m stupid? I’m not going to give this thing up, especially given the build-up you’ve been giving to how important it is. I may be reckless, but I know when something needs to be taken seriously.”

The mare nodded, and charged her horn, an aura the deep blue of late night or early morning issuing forth. A piece of parchment, glimmering with tiny sparkles of light, issued forth from the aura. Written on the parchment was legalese for ‘don’t lend, give, or throw away the Lyre’, and detailing several gruesome fates for me if I did any of those things, including...

“Denyxtification? What’s that?”

“To be stripped of your star core, and become one with the void.” The stallion says, face stony-blank once more.

“Ooooookay then. And how did I get this core in the first place?”

The mare shrugs, offering up a quill with which to sign.

“Well, I guess I’ll sign, since none of these threats will apply. I’m not letting something like this out of my sight. It’s a killer at parties.” I sign my name, my real name, figuring if Lyra knew, it wouldn’t matter to hide it. “Speaking of parties, I should be getting back to mine, and I promised a mare I would dance with her.”

The unicorn nodded, her smile pleasant again. “Then I shall sign this, and you may be on your way.” She placed her hoof on the parchment next to mine. She pulled her hoof back, and an inky-black hole into the night sky shimmered on the paper. Faint lines connected a series of stars in the shape of her cutie mark.

I give a wave and figure I might as well give a hint that were both on a first-name basis since at this point I can figure out her handle. “Alright, cya later Libra. And tell your friend to pull the stick out of his butt.”

The mare chuckled. “We’ve been trying for centuries, and it just seems to get lodged farther in there.” The stallion’s blank look tipped downward at the edges, turning into an almost-frown.

I walk off to let them do their thing, shaking my head as I go. I did promise that mare a dance, so I decide to look for her through the large crowd. As I step near the dance floor, the mare practically materializes, and I see that Pinkie has pushed her up to me, smiling and grinning as she fades back into the crowd. The young mare grins bashfully.

“Aw, come on. You should feel proud, you have the guts to ask the local alien to dance.” The mare nods, her smile still a little shaky, as she leads me to the dance floor. On the floor, it’s mostly packed with ponies doing fairly typical ‘this area is is super crowded’ dances. There’s only a single open space, and that’s where Twilight is getting her groove on. Or having a seizure-slash-aneurysm-slash-heart attack; it’s a bit hard to tell with that facial expression she has.

“Heh, and she calls me strange. Anyway...” I turn to the mare at my side. “I honestly have no idea how to do this with a pony, so it’s probably gonna be a bit weird, but I’ll try.”

The young mare nods, and opens her mouth to say something, when the music changes. I look towards the stage to see Octavia, of all ponies, standing on a raised part of the stage. She’s holding up an absolutely massive contrabass, at least as tall as she is, standing on her rear hooves. While she’s as impeccably groomed as normal, the contrabass is completely different than expected, with tron lines outlining it and each string lit up a dull white.

Seriously, these ponies have the coolest instruments! If it weren’t for the starfield shadows on my harp and it’s musical capabilities, I’d feel gypped. I wait for Octavia to begin and mutter to myself. “Come on ‘Tavi, let’s see what you got.”

The song starts off a little slow, but quickly builds, and a sense of unadulterated joy flows from the strings. A piano in the back is hooked up to amps to let the entire club hear it and the cello, as Octavia gives her all into the rising music. She even tosses the bow every few moments to tap out a beat, catching the bow and resuming without any interruptions.

All the ponies seem to be dancing differently, each choosing their own way to move on the dancefloor.

I turn to the mare beside me. “Shall we?” I indicate that she should lead, as I don’t understand how this would work.

She just giggles and starts... moving. For a moment I’m lost, before it hits me: just move. This is not a formal dance, so... I just start moving to the music, letting the rhythm just do whatever it wants with me.

Laughing along with the ponies, I barely notice when the music changes, just slowing with the beat like everypony else. For several minutes, I’m just another happy person in a crowd of dozens.

This isn’t like the rave in Canterlot, and definitely not like a concert back home, but... I like this just as much. I feel like I belong here, even if I’m the most different. Life is good.

Finally, the music comes to an end, and every pony and myself in the place all stomp and clap and generally give the applause the artists on stage deserve, Octavia giving a formal bow while Vinyl throws her hooves up like the reigning champion of an arena.

I think of something, then I grin. I turn to the mare and excuse myself. I walk up to the stage and ask Octavia if I can do a slow song as well.

She nods, and Vinyl quickly folds up the temporary stand. I wave Octavia back on as she gets ready to leave, and she smiles. The crowd cheers at me as I return to the front of the stage, the last song apparently forgiven for the most part.

“Alright. This is going to be a very... different song. Just to let you know us humans aren’t all a bunch of metalheads... well, all the time. This is a love song, by the way.” I Spark up and strum the Lyre gently, not bothering to introduce the song this time.

The notes flow out, the soft sounds of a guitar being followed by all sorts of instruments. I sing the song, gently crooning into the mic in front of me. The entire place is enraptured, listening to the notes pouring forth from my fingers, lungs and soul. Octavia is strumming the bass like a giant guitar, and Vinyl is bobbing her head as she provides various snippets to fake at least two other instruments, including the drums.

The song begins to wind down, the final chords being plucked one at a time, before revealing that the song’s not over yet. Playing like my hands are on fire, I barely notice that the starfield effect has crept up my arms from the harp again, all the way to my chest and probably my face, too. The backlighting meant I probably looked like a hole of night pouring out the music the ponies are bouncing to.

Finally, the song came to its actual end, fading out. I let my Spark fade, taking the starfield with it. Once more, I’m breathless and kind of sweaty from the hot stage lights, but it’s such a rush!

The ponies below stomp their approval, shouting and hollering. It takes a moment before the smattering of individuals organize enough to start the crowd chanting a single word.

“En-core! En-core! En-core! En-core!”

I grin and respond. “Well, that depends. Do you want the same song, or a similar one?”

“New song! New song!”

“Alright, let me think...” I take a few moments to think of a nice smooth song, but with a good beat anyway... I grin lightly. “This is going to be a bit different, but I think you’ll like it. This one is called Victorian Vigilante. Just to warn you, it’s a little dark near the end.”

I begin to stroke the strings of the Lyre again, and a jaunty tune begins to pour out, all brass and the gentle piping of an organ grinder. Once more, my Sparked arms become coated in night, and the music flows out through me, and the ponies are all listening to the story of the song, and I can almost feel their silent prayers that the unnamed hero takes out the villain, hanging on every word like I was some kind of prophet or radio star.

I come near the conclusion, and I hear their quieted gasps as the villain seems to get the upper hand... only to lose the fight, and his life. I see a few of the more squeamish ponies blanch at the mention of bloodshed, but most of the earth ponies and pegasi are nodding along and smiling as the song finishes.

Once more, the crowd erupts with applause, and I have to decline another request for an encore. After all, I said I’d go play a few games with Pinkie... I think I did at least. Either way, they sound fun, and I don’t want to miss a good chance to enjoy the party as a whole.

I look around for Pinkie and I’m surprised how such an energetic, brightly colored mare can just hide in a crowd like this. Guess she’s just got a talent for it. Wait... she does. Duh.

Shaking my head, I get ready to find Pinkie, when, lo and behold, I see her wandering through the crowd, grinning happily and holding aloft a platter of hors d'oeuvres and drinks again. “Heya Anthony! Great songs, d’ya want some hors d’oeuvres?” I look at the platter, seeing strawberries dipped in chocolate. Much better than stale gouda. I snag one, and ask if she’d like to go play some of the games like she suggested. For a moment, I could swear she looked surprised, but then she points towards one side of the large room.

“I’ll be over there in a moment, why don’t you go and play a few games ‘till I’m there?” she suggests.

“Sure, take your time. It must be difficult hosting a party this big all by yourself.” I pat her on the head. “Just don’t exhaust yourself.” With that, I head off to find the games area. Seriously, what sorts of games do they have?

I meander through the crowd, moving with the flows, and I get to the games eager to play. To my surprise, Pinkie has beaten me here! I knew she’s fast, but I didn’t know she’s that fast. She could probably give Rainbow Dash a run for her money. I step forward and check out the games.

Pinkie appears to be playing a cake walk, piles of treats and goodies in numbered spots corresponding to spots on the floor up for grabs, a line of happy foals are going around the ring, hoping to get the best prizes for themselves.

The next station over is a game of musical chairs, which has narrowed down to a fierce competition between Rainbow Dash and... Dinky? Dang, you go filly! The two competitors are glaring at each other as they pace around the chair, the bouncy polka repetitive enough to fool the senses if you didn’t pay attention.

The silly, happy music made their glaring eyes seem absolutely ridiculous. I probably shouldn’t interfere, but I soooo want to.

The next one is a classic: pin the tail on the... pony? Okay, it’s a pony picture, instead of a donkey, and appears to be a picture of Pinkie herself, and the sheer number of foals and adults clustered around it appears to indicate it’s a ‘serious’ game around here.

Well, I suppose if it’s played similarly, it’s just as much a game of coordination as many games.

A small mountain of board games go untouched in the next area over, save for three pairs of ponies each playing a game of what looks like chess. However, the pieces are different looking, and move a little differently, I think.

I decide that Pin the Tail would be very odd for me, given my height and all, so that’s out. I decide I might as well give the cakewalk a try, maybe do some musical chairs once Dash and Dinky are done.

I step over to the cakewalk, and am a little surprised to see that Pinkie has dropped out, and that the ring of foals is two deep, and I can’t even get close. The glares here are turning feral, and I even see a couple of foals glaring at adults that get too close to the game. Those must be some epic foods on the prize table.

The foals don’t seem to mind me, and I even find myself being pushed towards the front of the line. Once one of the foals is out, I feel a little head push me into the cakewalk. Almost immediately, the foals take note of me, and I feel the weight of a bajillion tons of hero worship descend upon me. The foals look hungry, and I see them reaching for paper and other autographing supplies with giant grins. What is it with ponies and teeny cute things becoming terrifying?

Well, I guess it’s part of being a world-renowned savior of the people. I resign myself to my fate of adoration and appreciation. But I do clarify that they’ll all get a turn if they stay in single file and go one at a time. Once all the fillies and colts are lined up, I begin my signing. I don’t bother asking who I’m signing for, because then I’d feel compelled to remember all their names, and I just know that’d give me a headache.

I finish the first round of autographs when the cakewalk starts. Right before, however, I see one of the foals get pulled into the crowd, only to be replaced by a strutting Scootaloo. Damn, she’s sneaky. If I hadn’t been looking back to make sure there was no open spaces, I wouldn’t have seen it. Maybe she’s trying to get a ninja cutie-mark? What would that look like? Would it look like anything at all? Why am I think of these things instead of paying attention to the cakewalk? I wonder what it’d be like if I didn’t have a bellybutton... Goddamn my brain.

Either way, though, the cakewalk is going well. The only problem is that a minor shoving problem has begun to arise every time Scootaloo is almost to the ‘grand prize’ spot. I check out what’s in the prize spot for the number, and see a plain metal bowl full of wrapped candy. Each of them is a little ball, with a yellow wrapper with pink twists. Nothing really impressive, is it?

Either way, though, Scootaloo keeps shoving to get there, and then refusing to move until she has to. She’s being particularly rude tonight, and I want to know why. I’m almost willing to drop out, grab her by the scruff of her neck - ponies have scruffs, right? - and demand an answer, if it weren’t for the fact that an adult will likely intervene soon enough.

Wait... all the adults but me are being pushed away from the cakewalk. Crap. I shrug and walk over. Guess I have to be ‘Dad’ for a minute. I pick up Scootaloo, my hands fitting easily around her small barrel. Once I’m holding her a good meter off the ground, I take her to a more open area. “What the hell Scoots!? You hit your head or something?”

She looks at me, her eyes gone big and watery. “N- no...” I practically feel her trying to pull a turtle and tuck her head into her collarbone. I sigh. “What was that all about? It’s just a party game. Nobody cares who wins!”

“B- but I-” She looks like she’s about to cry. What, was she bullied into getting the candy or something? Do ponies build up gambling debts or something at this age? I can’t think of any reason she’d act like this. It’s just mean.

“Seriously Scoots. You know for a fact I hate bullies. I want to like you, you’re nice and all, but I don’t want to be friends with a bully, so just chill out, okay?”

“I- I’m not a- a bully...” her ears go down and her little wings are stuck to her sides like they’re glued there.

I scoff. “You sure act like it, the way you were shoving those other kids around just to win some stupid candy.”

“I just... I wanted to...” she trails off, looking embarrassed and disappointed all in one. “I just wanted to get the candy ‘cuz I- I wanted to... give it to you...”

I think I’m starting to get it. She wants to be my number one fan or something. “Scootaloo, I don’t need candy to appreciate someone. Just be yourself... as long as that doesn’t involve being a total jerk. We’re here to have fun, not win at any cost.” I take a breath. “Winning is fun and all, but how fun is it really when everyone hates you for winning?”

Scootaloo shakes her head sadly, and she still looks a half step from bawling her eyes out.

“Listen, I don’t hate you. I want to be your friend, but I just can’t be friends with a jerk. Just follow the golden rule and I’ll appreciate you more than if you’re a bully who wants to give me stuff.”

“W- what’s the ‘golden rule’?” That really catches me off guard. Shouldn’t, in a society like this, that be encouraged and taught even more?

“The golden rule is to treat other ponies the way you want them to treat you. If you want to be treated with kindness and compassion, you do it first.”

“Oh... okay. I- I’m sorry.” She looks up at me with her eyes pleading. As well, she’s all puffed up again. Pretty sure it’s a pegasus thing, the other ponies don’t do this.

“Well, since I’m such a fantastic guy, I’ll give you another chance, alright?” I give her a hug, and try and see if I can pat down the poofiness. It honestly looks totally silly.

She closes her eyes and leans into the pats, but the poofy isn’t going away. Drat. Still, I think I’m done with the cakewalk for now, and it looks as though Pinkie has moved over to the board games area, and is pulling out some games. Maybe she’s got a board game me and Scootaloo can play. If she was so desperate to get ‘first place’ to show off to me, maybe she’ll like an actual competition better.

I want to see if they have Othello or Mancala... Haven’t played those in a while. I carry Scootaloo over to the board game area. “But if you want a challenge and to impress me, how about you try beating me in something aside from beating everyone else?”

Scootaloo nods her head fast enough to make me think it might come loose. I chuckle and step over the foals and through the partying ponies to the board games area. Pinkie appears to have pulled a version of ‘Candyland’ or something, though the board looks a little weird.

“Anthony!” Pinkie’s expression brightens up as I step up. “It’s so good to see you, are you enjoying the party?”

Oooookay, she’s definitely off today. “Yeah, of course I am, I still am. I don’t think it’d change much after the other three times you asked me.” Something is strange here, more than her just being Pinkie, but I can’t quite place it...

“I asked you thrice already? Oopsie-daisy! Sorry about that, it’s such a super-big funtastic party.” She pauses to think a moment. “Ooh, d’you wanna play Wunderland? It’s super cool!”

“Well, sure. Might be interesting. Can’t wait for when we go in a few months, I suppose?”

“Indeedly-do! I get to see Granny Pie again!” She squees and hugs herself, looking utterly delighted. “It’s been so long, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to see me, too.”

After a moment of watching the poofy pink party pony rock happily, I remind her of the game.

“Oh, right! Well, this is the first board, but we don’t need the second until we’ve either slain a Jabberwock or been disemvoweled by a Leery Vundermunch. Then, we’ll go to the second board and try to gringle some hobwatches, and escape the Queen in Red. And best of all, it’s a game where we all work together if we want!” Pinkie beams happily around the table, in spite of half the words refusing to settle into my brain.

“Well, I think first, Scoots and I would like a little one-on-one competition. You got Othello?”

“Never heard of it! I’ve got a copy of Marenopoly though. We could play three players on that!”

Deciding that there’s not many other options for games I would most likely already understand the rules, I go for that, ignoring the pun. At some point, I’ll have to figure out what the pony-named equivalents of some of my favorites are.

“Alright, each of the sections are based on a street from Old Canterlot, before it was expanded to more than just the palace and the nearby houses.” Pinkie explained, Scootaloo rolling her eyes. I don’t know this, though, so it’s good to know - also, the board seems to be circular; not rectangular. Interesting.

Pinkie continues to point out little things that build up to some fairly major differences in how the board is set up, but the rules sound about the same. There’s only two train stations, and they’re used to go between them if you land there, not as properties. The jail is a different section of the board, with a bunch of penalties to leave it, instead of the ‘roll a double’ rule, making it a more grueling challenge to leave the ‘dungeons’. Also, cheating is apparently supported by the rules, and all the fake money slips are purposefully left blank on the backs so you can double deal and pretend to pay more or less for something. It’s a surprisingly complex twist on an otherwise fairly simple game. The cheating aspect especially, you’d expect it to be much more harshly dealt with here in magical, happy, ponyland. When I bring this up, Pinkie responds that it’s not only perfectly mimicking common Unicorn noble tactics and business pretty well, but that getting caught by any third party with actual evidence is how you get to the dungeons in the first place.

Shaking my head, I sigh and get ready to play the game. I have an idea, rather than picking my own piece from the set, I pull out some coal and make a little human figurine and use that instead. After a little compacting, it’s just as solid as the tiny chariot and the little unicorn figures that came with the game, Scoots using the former and Pinkie the latter.

Pinkie looks closely at it. “Ooh! It’s a little human! Wow, you got the details perfect! Oh, now we need to roll to see who goes first, and how far they go!” She pulls out a set of eight six-sided dice. Two of them go to me, two to Scoots, and two for herself, the others going back in the box.

After an hour of vigorous politics, low deals and careful sabotage of all opponents, Scootaloo stands triumphant as the victor, having managed to get both me and Pinkie indicted and thrown permanently into the dungeons and stripped of our money. My brain is still a little rattled by how vicious that little filly can be.

I lean back and look at the board, covered in ownership markers in Scootaloo’s House Colors. Damn.

“So... I have another game, Othello. At least, that’s what I call it. Hmm...” I think of how to demonstrate. “Hey Pinkie, got a piece of paper?”

Pinkie nods, reaching into her mane with a look of concentration, finally pulling out a piece of lined paper and a Bic ballpoint pen. “Huh? How’d those get in there?” Pinkie looks down at the materials with an expression of confusion, stuffing them back into her mane. I stare dumbstruck at her as she pulls out, instead, a normal piece of parchment and a quill and stoppered inkpot.

“Uh... huh. Well, I don’t want to waste ink, so I’ll just do this...” I pull out the rest of my coal and do my little coal writing trick. I use the ink to make a square board with a bunch of smaller squares, then I use coal in pucks or rings, indicating white pieces and black pieces.

“So what you do is you place your pieces and when you surround some pieces of another color with yours on either end of the line...” I demonstrate by moving the pucks and rings, setting them up. “And when you do-”

“Ooh!” Pinkie interrupts. “I know this game, it’s called Gryphon Chess!” she leans over backwards in her chair - are her bones rubber? - and sits back up with a box showing an Othello board with the name ‘Gryphon Chess’ on the front, the tagline stating that it’s ‘a game of careful strategy and hard tactics!’

“Yep, that’s what we call Othello.” I turn to Scoots. “So what do ya think? Double-or-Nothing on Gryphon Chess?”

Scootaloo smiles and nods. “Yeah! I think we’re a good match!” She’s going poofy again. Jeez, does she have an allergic reaction to her shampoo or something?

“Alright, pick your color, and let’s start!”

She picks white, taking the first-turn advantage. The two of us go back and forth, taking and ceding lines of battle. She’s the first to take a corner, but I snag two of the others before she can properly counter. Finally, she takes the other corner, but it’s too late. A grinding battle of attrition leads to me winning, a scant three pieces more than her.

“Well played, Scootaloo. I’m impressed, that’s a good job for your first time.” I grin and ruffle her mane. “See? You don’t have to win, it’s all about how well you play the game.”

Once again, Scootaloo does her koosh-ball impression. Seriously, I’m beginning to worry about this kid. At least she acts perfectly healthy...

Chuckling at the thought, I sit back. I’ve spent around an hour and a half on the games, and I kind of want to stretch my legs again, possibly out on the dance floor. I’ve got an idea for a good song to end on, but I want to mull that over, and moving helps me think. I leave Pinkie playing another game of ‘Gryphon Chess’ with Scootaloo.

I walk out onto the floor, and I notice that Octavia and Vinyl are doing a sort of duet. Odd, given their playstyles being so different, but it’s not bad at all, classical and techno going pretty well together surprisingly. I just start dancing a bit. Not going crazy, just feeling the music go through my mind. Looking around at the other partygoers, I see that it’s pretty much unanimous. Music is strange, but very well done. I wonder, do they practice this often?

I see Pinkie hop through the crowd, passing out still more hors d’oeuvres. Wait, if Pinkie’s there, did she stop playing with Scootaloo? I turn to look over the crowd, thanking my relative height as I do. No, she’s playing a game with Scootaloo, who is staring at the game with a serious expression. I turn back to the serving pony, who can’t be Pinkie. Except...

The first word in my head is ‘Changeling’ and I feel my eye twitch. Stay calm for now. I walk up to the serving Pinkie. “Hey Pinkie, could I borrow you for a moment?”

“Sure, Anthony! Lemme just get this settled.” She tucked the now-empty platter onto her back, and trotted beside me as I led her towards the game area.

I figured I should do something before this Pinkie caught on, so I had to do it fast. Luckily, that’s one of my specialties. I grab the Pinkie beside me by the tail, and, pulling her with me, I do the same to the Pinkie playing with Scootaloo. I hold both of them up so they are upside-down looking me in the eyes. “Explanation. Now. And make it good!”

To emphasize further, I enter my Heat form and ignite every part of my body except for my hands. I imagine tails are rather flammable, and I don’t want to roast the real Pinkie. “Well?” I demand.

The one that had been serving covers her eyes with her hooves, visibly frightened. The other Pinkie, on the other hand, looks worried. “Wait, Anthony, I hired them!”

“Yeah, sure. How about some proof?”

She curls up, somehow using her tail to do so. She puts both hooves on my shoulder and whispers in my ear, “Because I know that you’re happier if I’m just your friend.”

She drops back down, hanging from my grip. With a sigh, I set her down on the ground, as well as the Changeling, but I’m still not letting it go that easily. “I thought you agreed not to do any more shapeshifting or I’d kill you all. Was I not clear?”

“W-what?” The changeling is so startled, she drops her disguise, revealing a changeling. But not like the ones I’d seen in the hive. For one, this one is emaciated, thin enough I can count all eight ribs on the one side of it facing towards me. As well, it’s got a brittle, red-orange shell instead of green.

“Oh come on, I know I met one of you around the Everfree, and I warned your little scout that if I found any Changelings around, I’d burn your hive to the ground!”

“B-but I‘m not an Everfree changeling! How would I hear about this?” It’s curled up on the ground, hooves held defensively over its chest.

I sigh again. “Fine, let’s hear your story, but if I find out you lied or bent the truth even a little, your people are gonna end up missing a few thousand numbers.”

The changeling nodded. “I- I’m just a harvester of a traveling cluster. There’s eight of us, and six of us were hired by the Element of Laughter to help with the party. It’s what changelings do to survive. I just want my nymphs to be healthy.”

“Last I was aware, changelings infiltrated towns, and posed as other ponies, draining the love out of their loved ones. Actually, I know this for a fact from first-hand experience.” I give the orange-black insect at my feet a hard glare, my flames not dying for a second.

“B-but what kind of morons would ruin things so badly? We may not announce ourselves, but we replace our clients so they can have more free time! I swear, we’ve never taken anyone without their express permission.” It looks up at me, its orangey eyes flat and emotionless like all changeling eyes.

I decide to give it one more test. I pick it up by it’s throat, and stare at it’s pupiless eyes with the bright specks of light that replace mine. I then increase my heat until I can see heat waves coming off of my hand, even if they aren’t flaming. Then I speak with my Spark, holding it close enough I could hear it’s ragged breathing.

<ARE YOU LYING?>

“N-no! Please let me live!”

“Alright, fine.” I Power down completely and set the changeling back on the ground. It massages its throat warily.

“Now, Pinkie, we’re going to have a little talk.” I turn to the crowd, now all staring at me. “Party’s over. Go home.”

My next plan of action is to get everyone together, specifically the Elements, the Princesses, and these orange changelings, for a discussion. I relay this to the changeling, Pinkie, and Twilight, who has made her way towards us.

“So, how soon can we set up this meeting?”

Twilight looks around, the building almost completely empty and six rail-thin changelings with orangey carapaces standing or sitting nearby. Another pony walks towards us, and for a moment I’m ready to ask what she wants. Then, in a burst of muddy orange fire, she turns into a changeling. The filly who steps out from behind her does the same, but into a smaller, slightly less starved-looking changeling. I recognized them, though, before they changed back. It’s the mother and child from earlier, and the foal that had asked for a hug.

“So. Back to my question. Assuming that this is every Changeling who participated?”

The changelings nodded, except for the little one who was just sitting on the floor and staring at me.

“Alright. So, we’ll get a letter sent to the princesses, and we’ll all have a little discussion. Frankly, part of me wants to burn you all alive right now... but I’m not gonna.”

The changelings all look relieved at this, again, minus the little one. It’s still just staring at me.

“And what do you want, uh... I don’t know what to call you. Filly? Kid? Rugrat?”

The little one stares at me, but one of the adults answers. “Uh, young changelings are ‘nymphs’.”

“Okay, well what do you want... nymph?”

The nymph keeps staring at me for a few more moments, before answering slowly. “Can I have a hug?”

“Now why would I do that? You managed to get one already, and that’s because I didn’t know you were just using me as a food source. Seriously, I’m more pissed at you than any of the others!”

The nymph’s expression falls, and the little thing begins to cry, bawling on the floor. The ‘mother’ glares hard at me and begins trying to console the little leech.

“That’s exactly what Chrysalis tried, to screw with my mind, make me into a living battery until I wasn’t useful anymore. That’s why I squashed her. I’m not food, for anyone.”

Twilight and Pinkie’s jaws are nearly touching the floor, and the changelings all stared at me, minus the nymph, who was still crying. One of them spoke up. “Y- you slew the tyrant queen?”

“Yes. Yes I did. And I don’t want to see any other changelings around. I know exactly what they do. That’s why I don’t trust changelings, since I was abducted by them.”

The changelings appear to have stopped paying attention once I’d confirmed the kill. They begin to speak amongst themselves. It’s mildly annoying, getting ignored. That said, Pinkie and Twilight are looking up at me with looks of shock on their faces, and worry, and pity.

“There will be time to talk amongst yourselves and explain things once we’re all together. Now, let’s go. And I want a separate train car for the changelings and myself. If they try anything they will not be getting off the train...”

Twilight clears her throat. “Actually, I had Spike send a letter to Princess Celestia as soon as things started happening. She should be coming here, and probably Princess Luna, as well.”

As if to confirm the statement, a large ball of purest white flashes into existence in the middle of the room, near the dance floor. The orb resolves into the shapes of Celestia and Luna, each in full regalia.

Celestia speaks, her voice commanding and her expression dark. “Tell me what is going on. Now.”

We’ve taken out some tables and lined them up to form a makeshift conference table. The seven Changelings and the nymph on one side facing the Elements, Spike and I on the other. The princesses are on opposite ends of the table facing each other. I guess it’s supposed to be a way of silently stating that they have no bias.

“I still think we should kill them now and get it over with.” I begin with my bare-bones ‘argument’.

Celestia responds before any of the changelings can. “Why do you think that? What could we gain from doing such a thing?”

I scoff. “You have to ask? They’re dangerous! They’re an infection!” both princesses quirk an eyebrow at me. Guess I have to clarify. “Seriously, even if they’ve done nothing wrong yet, doesn’t mean they don’t have the potential to do so. If we kill them, then the problem is over and we don’t even need to have this discussion in the first place.”

“That’s barbaric!” Rarity shouts in disgust.

I shout back. “It’s a solution! All we do is get rid of them for good and that ensures that there’s no chance of them causing trouble. Or we could just let them go and hope we can trust them.”

Twilight stands up to protest. “Th- that’s not fair!”

“Fair? Fair? You think what they did to me was fair!?”

“We don’t even know what happened to you! Besides, that was a different hive, right?”

The changelings nod quickly.

“Bullshit!” I yell. “A changeling is a changeling! They’re about as trustworthy as thieving rats.”

“That’s very human of you, Anthony.” Those words and Twilight’s cold tone caught me off guard.

“What? Of course-”

“But not what you say you are. You say you aren’t like the humans you described, but here you are acting like the unforgiving warmongers you say you aren’t.”

“That’s different!”

“Is it? You say that these changelings should be killed just because of what they are! You see violence as the first and best solution!”

“Death doesn’t have to be violent, you know.”

“And now you’re defending your actions, as if killing a sentient being is perfectly acceptable!”

“It is if doing so makes the world a better place!” At this point, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are holding back Twilight and I. “Settle down there, partner. Just give them a chance.”

“He won’t, because he’s a human!” Twilight yelled, struggling against Rainbow Dash who was holding her by the tail to keep her seated.

“You think that’s why? Well how about I tell you what they did!” I push Applejack’s hooves away. She’s strong, but doesn’t have the weight or size advantage I do. “Besides, of course you’re defending them, you don’t know what Changelings even do!”

All the ponies gasp, and even the changelings wince at my outburst. However, what I wasn’t expecting was the temperature of the room to literally drop enough for me to feel it, and the Princesses are both glaring at me, Celestia more than Luna.

“Oh, so now you agree they’re monsters?” I heat myself up with my fire, hiding my shivering. “At least I’m not so flippant with where I stand on things.”

“No, we’re angry that you’d say that, after what Twilight and my niece went through. We know full well, now, what changelings can do at their worst.” Celestia says.

I throw my hands up. “Then we off the fuckers before they can make puppets out of us! Unless they already have. Would certainly explain the immediate defense of a species specifically built for espionage and-”

“So you’re blaming an entire species for the actions of one part of it?” Twilight asks with disgust in her voice. Which is something I’m confused about; she’s shying away from them now, but still supporting them!

Also... “Oh, now you take notice! How many times have I said ‘you ponies’ and never, not once has any of you said anything. You’re a damn herd species. The whole is supposed to be more important than the individual! That’s what a herd is!”

“We’re individuals, though, dummy!” Rainbow Dash says. “I mean, I think they look kinda funky, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t different. That one changeling queen’s goons were all green and stuff, not red! Er, brown. Uh...” seh looks confused for a moment. “What color are you, anyways?”

“Maroon.”

I roll my eyes. “So now you judge ‘safety’ based on color... wow, and you say I’m human when you just made the most blatantly racist comment possible.”

“What? I’m just saying, they’re not angled with the bad guy queen, duh.” Rainbow Dash says with her own roll of her eyes. Someone corrects her with ‘aligned’ under their breath, but I’m not sure who.

“And you determine that based on their color? That’s very racist... So come on, show of hands, who here has had an undoubtedly horrible experience with changelings in general?”

I raise my hand and I see Twilight raise a shaky hoof, though she seems to be trying to merge with the floor from her seat.

Fluttershy hides under her mane, but raises a hoof, too. Rarity shows no compunction about raising a hoof.

“Alright, and I’m going to assume by their lack of voting that the princesses figure that what happened... not that I know anything about it, was perfectly fine. Moving on, there seems to be a majority that disagrees.” Hooves go back down and I continue. “What have the rest of you experienced that says that changelings are harmless? Yes, the currently present changelings are allowed to add their own defenses.”

“Harmless? Ah don’ think any of us said that, Anthony. Ah think you meant we think they aren’t hostile. Cuz while I don’t think there’s a grown changeling who ain’t dangerous, Ah don’t think they’d be tryin’ to attack us without bein’ crazy first. Ah mean, it jus don’ add up.”

I sigh and facepalm. “Did you even hear the thing I asked for votes on? I asked everyone to raise a hand, hoof, whatever, if they had a, and I quote: ‘horrible experience with changelings in general?’ To which you didn’t raise your hoof. Were you, Pinkie, Rainbow and Spike or either princess present for this disaster nobody’s telling me about?” All of them nod except Spike and Luna. “So, now that we have the question actually answered finally... If the majority here understands how dangerous changelings are, then tradition states that the motion is to protect our homes from potential threats, yes?”

The ponies think it over for a moment, until Luna speaks up. “Then should we be removing you from our nation as well?”

I narrow my eyes. “I’m here by choice. Also, you’re certainly not one to be playing that card, considering you are repeatedly referred to as having near Godlike powers. That makes you very dangerous. Your sister even more so. Evict me, you may as well evict yourselves.”

“Oh? And should we simply follow that line of thought and remove every potential threat before there’s a chance to turn it into an ally? Should we try to eject the dragons from this continent? Or the diamond dogs? Or the unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies as well?” Celestia asks, raising an eyebrow coolly.

“I think the most immediate danger here is the one who, if she made a mistake and her grip slipped, would send the sun hurtling towards us killing us all, but this is about the changelings and nothing else until your sister derailed us by attacking me.”

“But it is a fair comparison, if you’re going to extremes, Anthony. It isn’t fair or sensible.”

“Fair!? Fair!? You think what the changelings did to me was fair? I say they lost that chance when they abducted me and tried to use me as fucking food!” I stand up and punch the table. “You say you’ve seen what they can do but you still say I’m worse than that!?”

“You’re saying we should condemn a child to death for something it had no part in, so yes.”

“A child that, if left alone to its devices, will grow up into a creature who will attempt to drain the love out of everything it sees until there’s nothing left!”

“Really? And do you devour every plant and animal you see?” is the question shot back at me.

I keep my eyes narrowed on Celestia. “You want these changelings in your kingdom, fine. But I don’t want them anywhere near people who could be hurt by it. That narrows it down to... Somewhere outside a populated area. Right?”

“And just have them... what starve slowly to death?”

“Not my fault evolution dealt them a losing hand.” I say. “It’s also not my fault what they did to me, to all of us, personally.”

“But we don’t even know what they did to you.” Rainbow points out.

I sit back in my chair, arms folded. “Alright. Here’s what happened.”

“Wait!” Rainbow Dash interrupts. “How do we know you won’t lie and make the changelings look bad?”

I grit my teeth, ignoring her, and begin my story, starting with my first encounter with Cotton Cloudy’s mom before I blacked out. I detailed my fight in the hive and meeting Chrysalis, and the offer she made to me.

I continued from the point when I met the changeling in the forest after my visit with Fluttershy, then I tell them about the vision, but not going into detail about what I saw. That will wait for later. I then moved to when I did my investigation of Thunder Bolt. Twilight had to vouch for me that my conversation with her did occur. I then told of my decision to not wait for help and the fight with the changelings at the house, but Twilight interrupted.

“But... that’s not right! I remember getting surrounded, but you didn’t save me, you were barely conscious when I showed up! Then-”

“I’m getting to that.”

I detail what happened, what Chrysalis wanted to see. I decide not to spare the romantic encounter with the fake disguised Chrysalis, and I can see Twilight turn a bright red, fidgeting uncomfortably in her seat at the table. I hastily bring up Chrysalis’ mistake, her defeat, and my freeing of Twilight from the cocoon.

Once more, Twilight vouched for me, remembering me getting her out, requesting that she not take us to the library, and then waking up in the hospital.

“And that’s the whole story.”

“Wait.” Rainbow Dash spoke up. “You said something about a vision. What did you see?”

I think for a moment. “I’d rather not say as much as I’d like to just show you.” I turn to the princesses. ”Is there a way you can use some magic spell to give an image of my memory?”

“Technically mind magic is illegal...”

“Well I’d rather not tell it myself, it’s not something I’m proud of.”

Luna speaks up. “What could really be this bad? Aren’t you exaggerating a bit?”

“Luna, you saw part of it.” At this, she looked down at the table, remembering what I showed her while she was in my dream.

“But why show us? Can’t you just tell it?” Twilight asked.

“No. I really don’t want you to know what I saw... but you should know anyway.”

The debate over the legalities of mind magic on others and such continued until eventually Celestia vetoed it completely.

I sigh heavily. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I close my eyes and focus on the vision, recounting every detail. I hear them. I don’t bother looking, but I can tell their reactions by the gasps of shock and fear at various parts of the memory. Everything turned to dust, not a single living thing left. From the largest of plants to the smallest of insects, all was dead because the changelings had taken everything they could while I sat idly by doing nothing. Everything dead. Everything gone. The planet a barren wasteland where nothing could grow.

No life. Period. A dead planet, just a ball of dust floating through space.

Once it's over, I look around. Luna is cringing, Celestia seems to be on the verge of silent tears, Fluttershy has fainted, Twilight has her hooves wrapped around Spike who is curled up in a ball and holding himself. Rarity is trying to wake up Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are completely speechless, and Pinkie Pie is just looking at me. I can’t really tell what she’s thinking.

"A- Anthony..." Celestia addresses me, her voice wavering a bit.

I shift my gaze away from her, saying nothing. I want to just get up and leave, but I feel doing so would just make things worse. They’ve seen the dark part of me, the evil me, the one that exists in the back of my head, no matter how much I wish I could be rid of it.

Suddenly, I feel something holding me. I open my eyes and I see the nymph has gotten up on the table and is hugging me. Not feeding, but... comforting me...

The ‘mother’ changeling is almost hovering from sheer worry, it’s evident that she/it is scared of me. And probably for good reason, I did kill a changeling queen, but given how easy it was, I don’t really understand their shock, but their fear I do understand. I suppose me beating a queen is impressive. Oh, and I was threatening to kill them all less than ten minutes ago. Why isn’t the nymph scared of me?

The nymph, apparently oblivious, nuzzles my shoulder. It looks up, orangey eyes shiny, a darker patch running vertically through the middle. It reminds me of something, but I can’t put my finger on it. The stubby little horn on its head twists slightly to one side, and in the light and closeness, I can see a tiny tuft of some kind growing from behind the horn.

“Uh... do changelings... shed?”

The matron, looking like it wants to pick up the nymph, but holding back, nods its head. “nymphs molt twice to reach full growth. Four if they’re a young queen.” I can tell that the keeper isn’t really wanting the nymph near me, but I’m still a little incensed that Pinkie brought them here.

Chapter 27

“I still don’t trust the changelings. You can call me racist but at the end of the day they’re still parasites, an infection.” I say, sticking to my guns as I grab the nymph and drop it back onto the table away from me. The thing is kinda cute, and cute is dangerous. “An infection that must be dealt with. You say I care too little, but I say you’re too trusting. I mean, look at Twilight! She ducks into her chair each time the changelings look at her! That’s a fear response! You don’t react with fear to something harmless!”

Twilight whimpers, clearly not liking that I’m using her as my defense, especially when she’s in no position to protest.

“Uh, yeah, but she also just stood up for them.” Dash says, waving it off. “I mean, geez, Chrysalis foalknapped her, too. Not any of the other changelings, Chrysalis.” she says.

“Trauma aside my point still stands. I’m not gonna just outright trust them just because everyone else says to.”

“Except you haven’t made any points, you’ve just kept chanting that all changelings are evil because one was!” Dash retorts, hotly.

“And you certainly seem fast to blindly trust someone you just met, despite already admitting you were there for this wedding fiasco, which again, has yet to be explained to me in detail.”

“Ugh, the bug queen tried to marry Twilight’s brother, and tried to stash Twilight in the mines under Canterlot when she found out. Shining and Cadence used a magic love bubble to get rid of her and her changelings.” Dash says, bringing many of the ponies around me to raise their hooves to object, before lowering them.

“Well, she’s not wrong.” Pinkie says with a shrug.

“And nothing else happened?” I ask, warily. Dash isn’t the most attentive so I have little reason to trust she covered all the bases. “Nobody was hurt or anything? At all?”

Twilight thinks it over. “Well, Shiny was drained pretty hard by the Queen, but otherwise no.”

“Even the assault on Canterlot itself just required a lot of cleaning and road repairs; there wasn’t any hospitalizations.” Celestia clarifies. “No matter their intentions, they didn’t cause any physical harm to anypony except Shining Armor, and that was caused by an individual.”

“Uh, didn’t you-?” Pinkie starts, but then stops at Celestia’s raised eyebrow. “Nevermind, not important.”

Since when does Pinkie have unimportant things to say? Okay, a lot but not during a serious debate. “No, no, let’s hear her out. This is an open forum, right?”

Celestia sighs, but gestures for Pinkie to speak. “Uhm, well, Celestia got blasted by the Queen, but she also didn’t look like she was trying too hard to fight back. That meanie-bug certainly was, though.”

I raise an eyebrow in Celestia’s direction. If she was hurt but also wasn’t trying... no wonder she left that part out. I cough. “More on that subject later. Right now, you say I’m attacking these changelings for no reason... but you also seem to be defending them for no reason. What have they done to earn your trust?”

“If it was a matter of prosecuting the hive that attacked Canterlot, I would be letting them stand on their own defense or face charges appropriately. But as has been explained three times now, these changelings aren’t the same.” Celestia clears her throat, having just about slammed her hoof on the table right in front of me. “There is very little information on Changelings, mostly as a result of their nomadic tendencies, but something that is known is that changelings that are the same color are related, and ones that aren’t, aren’t.”

I frown. “So because they have done nothing trustworthy just yet, we’re going to trust them blindly... I think I’m starting to understand how you let all these monsters roam around the Everfree right on the border of a populated area...”

“Actually, it’s because they haven’t done anything untrustworthy yet. And the Everfree is untamable, short of destroying the entire forest, which is impossible for a massive variety of reasons.” Luna says.

“So our main problem here is that we seem to work on entirely different scales of morality. If you ask me, trust is not deserved until it’s earned. And so far, at least the changelings in the forest have done nothing to bolster trust, much less these changelings who everyone here agrees they’ve never known until today, or a few days in Pinkie’s case... correct?”

Pinkie nods, but starts to speak up. “But if you never trust anypony, how can you make friends?”

“I had all the friends I needed until I was brought here, so that question is invalid. I don’t need new friends, I need my old ones, but they aren’t here.”

The whole table goes quiet around me. Every pony and changeling is staring at me, the ponies with confusion and pity in their eyes, changelings with pity and fear.

“Moving on from my personal life yet again...” I say, getting annoyed. “Even if we don’t outright kill this group of Changelings, I say we consider them guilty until proven innocent and placed under whatever form of house arrest you have until they-”

“That is not your choice to make, Anthony. And that is not how Equestria’s laws work. They have done nothing illegal, and there are no good reasons to detain them. The only reason I’ve allowed them to be held here is because I feared you would act irrationally if I didn’t try to placate you in some way.” Celestia says, a biting tone that makes the ponies recoil a bit, except Luna, who seems to accept the comment’s tone as normal.

“So now it’s my fault? I’m sorry, I’m trying to protect the public from potential attacks. And it’s my fault I’m doing it and you don’t like the way I do it? That’s your problem.”

“You aren’t protecting anything, Anthony, you’re pursuing a vendetta against the innocent.” Celestia says. “What have these changelings done that warrants any kind of action against them, legal or otherwise? Have they harmed any of the guests they were catering for? Have they impersonated anypony against their will, or foalknapped anypony? Have they done anything that means you or I should be wary of them, other than have the misfortune of looking like someone that hurt you once?”

“Everyone’s guilty of something. But that’s neither here nor there. Most definitely not here, apparently.”

“Could you prove their guilt in a court of law?” Celestia asks with an arched brow.

“No. Which is why I suggest a compromise.”

“And what compromise have you decided is fair? That they be punished for not being what you want them to be-”

“Well that’s the pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it?” I snarl in reply.

“I have yet to treat you or any other potential threat to my citizens as anything less than rational living beings in any case where they do not prove otherwise.

“Discord.” I say, my tone cold and biting.

“Is by near definition not a rational being, and is technically no more living than my sister or I.”

“Well, fuck you then. If you’re not living how about I off you instead on the grounds that you’re a bitch?”

Celestia narrows her eyes. “You will not throw threats towards my ponies like that again, Anthony.” her voice is cold.

“I wasn’t threatening your ponies, I was threatening you. Fine then, you come up with a plan to deal with these changelings and the ones in the Everfree, and if they take over and infest Ponyville, it’s going to be your fault because I warned you.”

Celestia blinks. “I forgot, you don’t know what Alicorns are made of.” she mutters, then sighs. “How about you think of ways to compensate these changelings for the pay they lost by their work being interrupted, and I send a delegation to the now known hive in the Everfree. Thank you, by the way, for telling us where it is.”

“Uh, no, I’m going too. Because I’m not as stupid as you think I am. Knowing you, the way I do now, you’d just get rid of me the moment you don’t need me anymore.”

“I could already do that, Anthony.” she says off-handedly, “but I meant telling me they’re in the Everfree. We haven’t been sure where Chrysalis’ forces landed, but now we know they ended up there, and that you killed their previous queen-”

“You’re welcome, by the way.”

“... A diplomatic delegation will be sent.”

I narrow my eyes at Celestia. “And if your ‘delegation’ gets attacked and you end up sending them there to their deaths?”

“And why would changelings, free of the tyrant as you mentioned, try to kill off their food source? The worst that happens is that a rescue operation must be mounted to recover them, and that’s assuming that the changelings involved are violent and incapable of rationally working out a solution.”

“You really are stupid, aren’t you? Whatever.” I get up and leave the table. “My party’s over, no need to be here anymore. Go back to your job as a politician, something you are actually decent at, according to those you lord over.”

Celestia sighs and shakes her head, before waving a hoof at me, as if dismissing me. I know I just said I’d leave, but that’s just rude.

I reply with a middle finger behind me as I leave, and walk out the door, heading back to Ponyville. At the very least I gave her a reason to want to send me back home. Or kill me, but she clearly doesn’t have the guts to kill a damn fly.

I’m sitting in my usual spot and looking over the Wunderland Bestiary, refreshing myself on information as well as studying facts I didn’t know. As a very helpful addition, it’s a pop-up book, so there’s a fairly well-detailed two-and-a-half-dimensional picture of each creature.

The only one I’ve looked over so far that doesn’t have a full picture is one with nothing put the middle of the book, splashed in night black, with two shining eyes of gold, a fire pattern instead of pupils. It lists the creature as a Jabberwock. There’s plenty of nonsense poetry with it, which I assume is actually meaningful, but I can’t make sense of more than one part in five. The only part I do understand perfectly is the piece about it having a ‘frightful aversion to blades of the vorpal kind, so enchanted to seek the neck with a snicker-snack and split it so’.

Yep, definitely Wonderland.

One of the things it mentions is the Flamingo, and I see that it mentions they lose many of their powerful magical properties if not born in, on, or over Wunderlandian soil, leading to a large number of them being owned by nobles. That part, thankfully, is written by someone other than Blueish, so it’s completely clear. I wonder what kinds of things we’ll actually run into on our trip?

I look up as a throat is cleared, and I see that Twilight is holding a scroll in her magical grip. She offers the scroll to me wordlessly. I’m feeling particularly lazy, and a bit in the mood for testing, so I summon some coal from my pouch and have the coal-hand grab the scroll for me and hold it open for me to read.

“Uh... how’re you doing that?” she asks, eyeing the hand. “I’ve never seen such precise elemental control!”

“Oh come on, you saw what I can do with coal! Actually, I feel stupid for not thinking of this before. Imagine all the movement I could have spared myself getting a new book.”

Twilight sighs and shakes her head. “Anyways, that scroll has the plans. We’ll be heading out, probably tomorrow or the day after, to go to the hive. The cluster is going to stay here for another couple of days, apparently one of them is about to give birth, and can’t be moved until that’s over.”

“You know, I’m surprised. You’ve learned all sorts of new things about changelings, and haven’t already rushed to add it to your notes. I think-”

*crackle-POOF*

Twilight has just vanished probably teleporting based on the look of existential self-horror she’d had right before then. Drat, I had something witty to say, too. Alright, let’s see what’s on the scroll. I take it from the coal hand and unsummon it back to my pouch before unfurling the scroll.

Anthony -
Tomorrow, an hour before noon, a detachment of guards will be sent to the hive, along with a small medical team. Assuming that you still wish to demonize the changelings, we have opted to inform you of this in case there is no contact from them within two days.

If such an event occurs, you will be permitted to say, without repercussions, that you told us so, in pony, at the castle during full day or night court, your choice.

If a rescue is required, we would be willing to give you compensation as a freelance rescue operative, and you will be paid and given commendation appropriately.

Our thanks,
[A messy, illegible pair of signatures splits the page]

The Royal Pony Sisters

P.S. Cadence asked me to mention to you, if I got the chance, that she has almost everything ready, and will be able to take you on your vacation in a couple weeks. She also requested me to mention that if you get too injured to come along, she will personally break all of your unbroken limbs. She really wants to go to Wunderland.

Yup, that sounds like Cadence alright. I realize that I had passed up the opportunity to show the Lyre to Luna, but I suppose we’ll have another meeting or something once the changeling fiasco has been dealt with.

Though I’m not trusting those changelings to be civil. I decide to go the day after tomorrow when the delegation gets back and, if I’m right, deal with the cleaning up of whatever’s left of the poor ponies she’s sending to do a job for someone who can defend themselves. Her blind trust of changelings pisses me off when she’s clearly not offering me the same chance. Racist bitch.

When the day arrives I head down to the hive, finding it fairly easily and walking in. It’s not much different from before, a simple cave entrance that descends towards darkness while transitioning into a tough, glossy black material. Every few feet or so, a small bubble of glowing green material studs the surface of the tunnel, giving it a wan light.

Sighing and imagining the delegation blindly walking down and getting enslaved, I spark up, not trusting the lights to stay on as I pass by, but they do. Eventually I get to the main chamber and see a sickly, thin-looking changeling sitting on a throne, quietly making what sounds almost like commands, minus anything resembling a backbone enforcing them. The other changelings int the room, however, do seem to be following the directions. At the entrance, there’s a pair of guards, who spot me and turn.

Before I do anything further, they bow their heads to me, setting off a spark of anger. “Eyes straight, heads up. What kind of guards are you?” The guards bring their heads back up, not answering.

“Damn right.” I mumble as I walk in, getting the attention of the few changelings around. “I’m here to... Idunno, clear you guys out or something if you ate the ponies who came by yesterday.”

The queen on the throne shivers. “N-no, they l-left. A sup-p-p-ply drop-p is sch-cheduled t-today.” her voice is nearly a whisper, and she hangs her head low. Not in a bow, more like a dog that’s been hit too many times to look you in the eye anymore.

“Well, how about you tell me what’s going on, what sort of deal did you make with them?” I admit, I’m listening for any sort of logic loophole I could use to do some damage if nothing else. “Because, you know, I’m not the kind of guy who just sits down and lets stuff happen when it concerns me.”

“Uhm... I’m n-not ent-t-irely s-s-sure, act-t-uly. Th-they k-kinda sc-cared m-me.” she replies, a single tear sliding down her face. It hits me that she’s really staring at my clavicle, not my face. And that she’s shivering like it’s thirty below freezing in here, which is just about the opposite of the actual temperature.

“And exactly who are you?”

“I-I d-don’t have a n-name.” she whispers, gaze dropping to my knees. “M-mother never g-g-gave me one.”

“Mother? You mean Chrysalis?” At the name, the changeling flinches and whimpers, as if expecting a blow. I sigh. I’m not getting anything out of this one. “Is there another Changeling I can talk to, someone who actually has a backbone?” I pause. “Metaphorically speaking, I know, exo-skeleton stuff and all.”

“‘Msorry.” she says, quietly. “Idonwannadie”

“Then get someone I can talk to. All I want is information...” I sigh, rolling my eyes. I hate dealing with shy people for this very reason.

She nods, jerkily, and waves to someone off to the side, and a pony in a tux steps forward, before flashing green and burning away the disguise... revealing it’s a changeling in a tux instead.

“I’m going to assume that nobody’s butler or whatever has been replaced and you were impersonating a pony for kicks?” I ask suspiciously.

“Miss is less discomfited by ponies.” the butler explains, leading me towards a side room with no door, just a doorway. Inside is a makeshift kitchen, a few badly-burned... somethings in pots on the stove, which looks like it was ripped out of a house somewhere and installed without knowing how a wood-burning stove’s chimney is supposed to be setup.

“I thought you guys ate love not... Whatever you’re cooking.”

The butler loosens his tie and sits back in one of the chairs gesturing to the one across from him. “Yes, but fortunately, we can make do for a short period of time on regular food... the same way a pony can survive on just a sip of water a day for a few days.” he says.

“Explains much.” I say, ignoring the seat and going over to one of the pots. “Shame none of your drones ever impersonated a baker or something, huh?” Sarcasm dripping from my voice.

“Oh, many of us have skills such as baking. Cooking for other beings anything besides bread, though, is difficult without training, and I can’t cook for four hundred changelings with less than ten pounds of ingredients.”

“Sucks to be you.” I say, finally taking the seat. “So from what I’m lead to believe... you guys are all innocent and all the shit you guys pulled was because of Chrysalis brainwashing the lot of you. Sorry, but that’s a bit much to swallow.”

“Why? Have you never studied any magic?” the butler sounds genuinely curious. It’s probably not common knowledge I’m literally from out of this world.

“No, considering my twelve years of school was spent telling me magic is all fake...” I eye the Changeling. “So what exactly am I supposed to believe that everyone else seems to accept blindly? That you’re a hive mind with no individuality... or that you were all totally on board with Chrysalis from day one and are lying, blaming her to get off scott free?”

“What?” The butler asks, in confusion. “For one, why would you think we’re a hive mind? We’re ponies like any other, just with different magical abilities. For two, the evidence is very clear, and we’ve been checked over. We suffered as much or more than any pony while under the old queen’s rule. I don’t know what drove her to dark magic like that... but I, for one, am glad you saved my life from being one of forced servitude.”

I raise an eyebrow. “If you don’t wanna be a bootlicker, what’s with the monkey suit?” I ask, referring to his tuxedo.

“I said forced servitude. And it’s different than being a butler; working to keep somepony’s life organized, efficient, and running smoothly is what I chose to do, and what I want to do. Chrysalis used me as a coat rack.”

“While that does sound like Chrysalis, I’m not totally sold here. Got any proof that it was all completely Chrysalis’ idea, and that out of several hundred of you, nobody had the mental will to resist the brainwashing? The odds really aren’t in favor of that outcome no matter how many times you roll the dice.”

“Resist a queen? That’s difficult without factoring in magic, sir. Their scent makes them more... authoritative. Perhaps not in truth, but in appearance, at least to us. Still, that doesn’t protect them from other queens, and does not work on any changeling they aren’t related to by blood nearly at all.”

“So you are a hive mind, with a queen controlling all your moves, affecting your decisions using pheromones. That’s how bees work. Sure they can kinda think for themselves but if a queen tells them to do something, they do it. Period.”

“Mmm, but not how a changeling works. Authority is fine, but we have good reason and a bit of forewarning, we can fight back... but none of us did.”

“Because...?”

“Because she lied to us. She told us she was going to be putting in shields to keep out the pony dreamwalker princess’s searching.”

“Why in the world would completely honest and innocent creatures have to hide from Luna? You aren’t helping your case much.”

“So you’re saying you regularly let the rulers of another nation come into your mind and potentially tell you how to think? Not many Changelings are given a real education, sir. The old queen didn’t allow it, and many of the older changelings were killed as part of her ascension to queenhood.” The butler uses magic to pull a cup full of water to him, taking a swig before adding something green and glowing to it and taking another swig.

“Last I was told, the Everfree forest wasn’t part of another nation. If you’re terrorists and you’re stupid enough to hide where those you terrorized can find you... you kinda deserve to be outed in my opinion.”

“Terrorists? Ha! More like terrorized. Maybe you don’t understand this, but I’ll try to keep it simple for you. The uneducated have a hard time throwing off tyranny without involving mind magics. I want to see you have your free will taken from you, the very urge to fight back stripped from your brain, and still make good decisions. The old queen was a fool, a tyrant, and extremely unhinged. We should’ve never even made a hive; Changelings are better off as small clusters or families than in large numbers like this. Chrysalis saw herself as a conqueror. But she never thought about what that would mean in the long run. She would’ve starved us all to have a single, short-term victory.” The butler’s voice has become bitter as he downs the rest of the cup.

I just shrug. “So you keep mentioning. But the problem is, you’re saying that you guys are all innocent because you were hypnotized-”

“No, not hypnotized. This was no minor suggestion, nagging at our thoughts. She stripped us of our identities, of our selves. And I feel entirely justified in saying she would’ve stripped our souls out like she did to her daughters if she thought it would make us more obedient than puppets.”

“What identities? You’re main defining feature is the ability to become other people, to use their identities... right?”

“So do ponies whose talent is for acting.” he retorts.

“Actors aren’t body-snatchers.”

“And neither are we, usually! Before the old queen, it was considered taboo to change into someone who was alive and normally present; the only times we’d impersonate someone without their permission is if they died of natural causes while away, such as during a hunt, or an expedition.” the butler asserts. “Normally, we make a guise of a completely new pony, and just... blend into society. We find love where it’s offered, and don’t take more than is healthy. If we have to, we move on. If not, a cluster will settle in, and simply be a family common to the town we inhabit. A few towns have been settled this way.”

“Yeah... and I have a problem with that. Mainly because you guys are... you know what, forget it. You’re just going to reply that all your previous, heinous acts were completely Chrysalis’ and that you guys are just hapless victims... right?”

“Yes. Because I’m telling you the truth. The truth doesn’t change just because it doesn’t suit you. We’re not nobles, after all.”

“No, you’re changelings. Why can’t you get love without changing? You can’t tell me it’s because the queen says so, she’s been squished a while ago.”

“Because ponies are skittish and xenophobic. A few times, it has worked out, and the changeling who can be loved for who they are under the guise are much better off than one who has to live hidden, but in case you hadn’t noticed, the odd or new makes them panic, not feel compassion or care.”

I’m getting tired of this. “So what’s your plan? What did you and the princess’ pawns agree to or whatever yesterday? Knowing Celestia, she’d try to be all ‘Oh everyone is welcome in my kingdom’ and try to give you guys some sort of leeway... before casting out the freaks.”

“As far as she knows, she offered reasonable terms. She offered to let us into equestrian towns... but this hive is no longer allowed to do so in guises. We’re also not allowed into Canterlot, nor within six hundred hooflengths of any of the Elements of Harmony. Which is a shame; Miss Fluttershy’s compassion is strong enough just being nearby would feed us all for a short while, long enough to make it somewhere we won’t be universally hated... as much. Instead, the concessions we offered effectively amount to us waiting in here until we starve to death, or one of the new queen’s sisters kills her, takes the throne, and breaks the treaty, following in their mother’s hoofsteps and getting us all killed.” he sighs. “Either way, we all die, either slow or painfully.”

“By me. Assuming I don’t before this event.”

“I never pegged you for a murderer, but I suppose I’ve been wrong before.” he says.

“Let’s see, oh yeah, I recall stepping on Chrysalis. That was... by pretty much every definition, murder in cold blood. Her being ‘evil’ was not my reasoning. She just pissed me off.”

“By attempting to control your thoughts, yes?” At my nod, he waves it off. “Then it was self defense, and any court on the continent would agree. Mind magic is illegal or tightly controlled on all three continents.”

“Sorry, but I don’t count that. Sure it was self defense, but it’s murder in self defense. But we’re just going to keep going in circles. You want my advice to get the ponies to like Changelings? Save their lives. Day one I’m a freak around Ponyville, nobody gives me the time of day, and all that shit. Then I save the town from being demon-bait and suddenly half the country wants to suck my dick.”

“Oh, yes. And, uh, tell me, when was the last time you had four thousand years of rumors and myths about you stealing in and eating infants, or sucking the life out of ponies in front of their loved ones? Because Changelings have lived under that prejudice for a very long time. We came here to escape the Long Winter before pony kind did, because their hate was poisoning us. They drove us from our ancestral lands, and then drove us into hiding when they came here. Prejudice against the difference is not something new, and they’ve been practising it against each other for longer than that. On top of that, you’re an individual. No one changeling can save the day and get all changelings allowed into the light. It’s been tried before, and done by accident before, and the ponies just exonerate them as the exception that proves the rule. It has taken nearly six hundred years to get actual information on us into their archives, rather than just rumors and myths. Ponies used to believe we were made of gas of all things.”

I just sit back, sigh, and reply with a succinct “Sucks to be you, then.”

“Yes. So as I said, we get to die in a hole, while you get to feast on their adoration. Still, I understand you don’t want any other beings horning in on your food supply, but you don’t need to be violent about it.” He sighs and looks about ready to stand up.

“I don’t eat love, I eat food. And besides, I don’t really care about what they think of me, heck, most of them call me a hero. It gets pretty annoying.”

“Wait, so you don’t even- oh, you don’t know. You’re a star and you don’t even know.” he says, looking genuinely surprised... and there’s pity in his eyes. Why does everyone have to give me that pitying look?

“Listen scuzz-for-brains, I don’t need anyone but the people I left behind. I figure that if I just keep being a douchebag, Celestia will finally get tired of me and finally start working on a way to send me back. Or kill me. At this point, I don’t really give a shit. So all this about being a star is completely stupid and doesn’t matter to me.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t give a shit, you say, but you crusade on their behalf? You should learn to stop lying to yourself, it’ll hurt less in the long run.” he says.

I’m not lying to myself, though. “And I’m certainly not ‘crusading’ for anyone. I blew up the demon because he was wrecking shit.”

“But you don’t care about anything, remember?” the butler says, raising an eyebrow. “You consistently target threats to the ponies, and then say you don’t care about them or anything at all. Again, you should learn not to lie to yours-”

He’s cut off by a flash of gold fire right in front of my face, and a scroll dropping to the table. I roll my eyes and take the scroll, opening it.

Dear Anthony,

Thank you for your assistance so far, and the delegation has returned completely unharmed. As such, we are requesting a favor of you; while technically optional, it is not something we can entrust to another, as you have proven your ability to counterspell magic easily and more effectively than most battlemages.

We need to you to act as a bodyguard for the new changeling queen, as our intel suggests that she will be removed from power in a coup by her siblings if not preserved, potentially ruining the treaty.

In the process, it is entirely possible Ponyville would become collateral damage during their rampage, before countermeasures could stop the problem.

Write your reply on the back of this scroll and roll it the other way, and it’ll return to me.

Thank you,
[illegible scribbles again]

Princess Celestia, diarch of the Sun.

“Huh, looks like Celestia needs me yet again... this time I’m gonna be your new queen’s meatshield so her sibs don’t off her.”

The butler raises an eyebrow. “Well, considering you consider yourself a hardened, murderous fiend, that should be easy for you.”

“That’s a bit far yet, but close enough. Still, doesn’t this piss you off? That Celestia assumes that if the new queen gets killed, she’ll be replaced by a Chrysalis wannabe?”

“Considering that’s exactly what I advised the delegation would happen, no. Because it is what will happen. The old queen’s eldest was the worst treated, and has turned out the mildest. The others seek only to emulate the mother they assume didn’t love them because of their eldest sibling.”

“Alright... so if I do take the job, what would I do exactly? Roast the new queens sisters and leave? They are the only threat to her, right?”

“That and starvation, disease, assassins of any sort... Celestia may have accidentally sealed her death by announcing our location to Canterlot.”

“I’m not staying here and babysitting her. Heck, what do I call her?”

“Her mother was fond of ‘hey you’ and ‘you little shit’, though those may not be to your liking.”

“Nah, she looks messed up as it is. So who names her? Herself?”

“Usually someone with power over her... Celestia could, but I doubt she even knows that. You could, seeing as how you deposed her mother and put her on the throne. Even if you don’t wish to rule over the hive, she still owes you a life debt.”

“A lot of people do, these days.” I sigh. “Fine, so what? I just walk up, give ‘er a name, tell everyone to listen to her or I squish them?”

“That would be an excellent start. You’ll also need to make sure none try anyways, and that none simply poison her and don’t take credit for it.”

“So I’ll be an on-call bodyguard. Fine, works for me... might as well get this over with.” I get up and head out to the main chamber. I’d only been here and the kitchen... and Chrysalis’ bedroom. I don’t know how to get to the balcony. “So, uh, how do I get up there for an announcement?”

The butler, who’d been following me shakes his head. “The balcony was blocked off. It was... structurally unsound, and mostly held in place by the queen’s magic. She wasted quite a bit of the love she stole on useless fripperies like that.”

“Maybe that’s why she wanted me to be a king. She had a billion mindless pawns, but was too stupid to know what to do with them.”

The butler shrugs. “Or she thought you had more to drain, or both. She’s not exactly around to explain, and she wasn’t one to monologue anything useful when she felt she was alone.”

“She did what now?”

“Oh yes. She had a tendency to monologue her plans whenever there wasn’t anypony in the room with her. She mostly ignored changelings, because she thought of us as mobile furniture, and there were a few occasions she’d break into songs about how she’d steal this pony’s love or crush that nation once she controlled Canterlot. That sort of thing. It always seemed so... gauche.”

I roll my eyes at the absurdity. “I’d use the word ‘stupid’ personally. How vain can you get? Anyways, if there’s no balcony, how do I get everyone’s attention? Blow up a chamber and start yelling?”

“You could go to the main audience chamber, where the new queen is. She can get the attention of everyling in the hive easily.”

“Fair enough.” I say, shrugging. “Let’s get this over with.” I go back to where I met the new queen and just sort of look her over. She’s not just skinny, she also shivers presumably uncontrollably when she notices my gaze. She also has to stop and think for a few moments before she tries to speak.

We stand in silence for a bit and I figure she’s not going to start a conversation. “So I guess we’ll cut right to the point, then...” She nods quickly, expression concerned. “So Celestia has decided to appoint me as your... ‘protector’...” I emphasize the word with my fingers.

She looks up in interest, shivering slowing a bit.

“Now, I admit I’m not a fan of racists, which makes me a bit of a hypocrite in this case, which I also hate, but I digress.... So I’m also not a fan of Celestia but I figure since I gave you the honor of being freed from Chryssi I might as well see this through... in a way.”

She gives a hesitant smile. “Th-thank y-you!” she says, voice sounding a little hoa- rather raspy.

“Yeah, you’re welcome. Anyways, I’m not gonna stick around and watch your back twenty-four seven, I have a life, so the deal is... well, you just call everyone in here and I’ll explain to the whole hive.”

She nods, though the look of concern is back. She clears her throat, then makes a weird trilling noise, a bit like a cricket or cicada, and her throat visibly wobbles as she does. After a moment, she stops with a series of dry, hacking coughs.

The fuck was that, some sort of subconscious call? And they say they aren’t a hive mind... Anyways, I head up towards the new queen and stand by her side as all the changelings in the hive start filing into the room. They aren’t walking robotically, but still eerily obedient and straight. Several of them are looking around in confusion, evidently not sure why they’re there, and some have spots of white paint on them, and one is wearing a goofy chef’s apron and hat.

“Our s-s-savior w-want-t-ted to say s-someth-thing.” she says, and the changelings shift focus to me, with a few turned to each other instead.

“Yeah, hi.” I say, raising a hand in a form of waving. About half the changelings also raise a hoof, but it’s not unanimous. “You all probably got the memo, but if you didn’t I’m the one who splatted Chrysalis so... yeah, you’re welcome-” the entire crowd cheers, a few ‘huzzah’s thrown in. “Uh, yeah, thanks. Anyway, Sunbutt decided to have me be a sort of bodyguard for your new queen, protecting her from the occasional assassin or death threat or whatever. I think that’s a load of bullshit, but I’ll agree... kinda. I won’t be around all the time, but your new queen... oh goddamnit.” I say rolling my eyes and coming up with a name for a new ruler that doesn’t sound too obvious or cheesy. “Renaissance. There, her new name is Renaissance to symbolize her rule being one of recovery rather than Chrysalis’ tyranny or whatever.” Renaissance... that was a bad name, too much of a mouthful, and all the changelings seem to be in shock. “I’m just gonna call you Ren for short.”

Turning around, I see that she’s looking at me with tears going down her cheeks, looking very shocked indeed.

Guess names really are a big deal around here. Oh well. “So Ren will be your new queen and I’ll be living in Ponyville and she can call me over for... whatever she wants I guess, whenever she needs a bodyguard. Just, Idunno, send a messenger over or something if she needs me. But if she doesn’t get treated with respect or if somebody tries to kill her or anything I’ll moosh you. Fair enough?”

The changelings nod generally in unison, though many are out of sync or nodding at other rates. It’s not something I’d normally notice, but I guess I’ve been really looking for it since talking about them.

“A’right, assuming nobody has any questions and everyone realizes that if Chryssi didn’t hold a candle to me you guys’ve got no chance of handling me in the event somebody tries to form a coup... I’m outta here. But I’ll be back if Ren wants me. Hail Queen Renaissance and all that.”

The entire chamber echoes the call to ‘hail’, and the Queen just sniffles, smiling crookedly, still crying silently.

Yeah, still not a hundred percent about changelings yet, but I suppose I should give them a chance...

Chapter 28

Sighing, I leave the hive and note that at this point it’s late afternoon. Or is it? Hard to tell with the dark of the forest. I don’t have anywhere to be today so I figure I’ll walk in the general direction of home and just see where the forest takes me.

The forest is very quiet, almost peaceful, in fact. It’s nice, and the temperature, after the muggy warmth of the hive, is pleasantly cool. Along the side of a path I’d decided to randomly follow, I see a little brown bird laying on the ground, on its side. Considering I haven’t yet seen any dead animals so far, I shrug and decide to investigate. I mean, it’s not like I’m one to get sick from a dead bird.

Turns out it’s not dead... or had been alive in the first place. It’s a single-color all over it’s entire body. Like, beak and feet included. It’s a statue. A very detailed and immaculate statue, but a statue nonetheless, carved of some kind of brown stone.

The question is... who would make a bird carving this well-done and just chuck it into the forest? It’s damned near a masterpiece of a recreation, and must’ve taken hours to make. The legs are almost impossibly thin, and there’s even a twig grasped in the stony claws. How do you even do that kind of carving?

Shaking my head and shaking it off, I sigh, and get back to walking. I mean what would I even do with a stone bird, anyways? I figure I might as well head home and just... Idunno, wait for tomorrow. Not much else to do, really.

A few dozen feet later, I come across a small clearing, stone animals forming a sort of circle around it, with a pure white statue in the center. Stepping closer out of curiosity, I see that it’s an incredibly faithful recreation of Rarity, down to the individual hairs of her mane and the way it’s styled. In its own way, it’s both very romantic and very creepy that someone would put forth this much effort into a statue of Rarity.

She may be pretty by horse standards, I guess, but she’s not worth what looks like a bajillion hours working on something like this over. Maybe it’s the one she has a crush on? Or just some really weird creep living in the forest who finds her attractive to a very disturbing degree. A thought crosses my mind that I could give it to Rarity and see how she reacts... or give it to Spike and watch him fawn over it for a few hours, but I decide to ultimately just leave the statue where it is.

On my way back, after exiting the forest, I realize I’m on the side nearer to Rarity’s boutique. Huh, I wonder if she’s seen the statue of herself. Y‘know, I haven’t yet gotten to talk to her about the whole crush thing... and maybe she knows something about that statue. Might as well stop by, maybe Sweetie will be there; she’s a nice kid, once you get past her curiosity and tendency to poke things she shouldn’t while said things are sleeping.

When I get to the boutique though, I see a note on the door saying that Rarity is at the spa with Fluttershy. Oh yeah, Ponyville has a spa. And I have a voucher for it somewhere in my pile of fanmail. Deciding to meet Rarity there I get directions to the spa. I’m given some odd looks when I ask about it but I eventually find it and walk in, the place smelling like steam and shampoo.

In the lobby, I see Fluttershy sitting in a chair, knitting something. Guess Rarity isn’t here yet. I walk up to Flutters and say hi, quietly. I don’t want to startle her and she seems in the ‘zone’ with her knitting. “Hey there.”

She blinks and looks up. “Oh, hello Anthony! How are you today?” she asks, smiling as she resumes knitting, eyes on me.

“Oh, well, I was gonna see Rarity about something but I found a note saying she was here with you.”

“Hmm... she said she had to take a detour first today, because there’d be something rare in the forest today. Her cutie mark told her so.”

“You guys make cutie marks seem way too important for it to be healthy.” I warn. “But even so, where is she? I mean, she likely knows the way here, and she’d be here before I do, considering I needed directions. That stuff she was doing in the forest can’t take that long, can it?”

“W-well, no... she said she needed to gather some silk, so I assume it was related to the Star Spider spawning this year, but it’s, uhm, been a few hours, and the Star Spiders don’t spawn deep in the forest. And, well... she does tend to show up a few minutes late sometimes, but we’ve missed our appointment by now, and Rarity usually keeps all her appointments, especially with me.”

True, it does seem odd of Rarity to leave a note saying one thing and then skip out on it without notice. Heck, it’s odd for ponies in general. “I’ll go over to the forest and see if I can’t find her. If I don’t return in...” I think for a bit. “An hour, send for help. Got it?”

“Oh... alright, Anthony. Please be safe, okay?” she says.

“No problem. Back in a flash.” I say, heading back to the forest. Not having any idea where she might be in the forest I just start calling out for her, hoping she’ll hear. It’s taking a long while though. Rarity isn’t dumb enough to wander this deep into the forest is she? At least not this far away from the trail. The only thing I can imagine is that whatever’s going on, she can’t hear me.

Or can’t respond. I think back to the statue of Rarity. Come to think of it, I recall reading something about petrifaction being a thing here... or was that fiction? Hard to tell fiction from non-fiction in a pony library, but if it is a thing it would certainly explain the immaculate detail of the statues. I run back to where I found the Rarity statue and look it over again. It’s got a look of shock or surprise.

One that brings to mind the phrase ‘I have no mouth but must scream.’ I don’t know if it’s been an hour yet, but I could definitely use some help. I try to move the statue, but it’s actually pretty heavy and it barely budges, and I don’t want to try lifting it, for fear I may break something.

“Yo, anyone around to lend a hand?” I ask; maybe the changelings have someone around I could get some help from. A sound behind me makes me whirl around. It was like something large... no huge slithering across the dead leaves and through bushes. Is this it? A giant snake? Well, a basilisk does have petrification abilities. Guess it’s just as likely as anything else. I spark up and get ready for a fight. Just waiting on the giant snake to show itself.

“Hello?” a voice calls from the forest. Not a basilisk, then... hopefully.

“Yeah, I could use some help with something...” I respond.

I see the faintest glint in the darkness around the clearing, and I find myself staring into two bright, jade-green eyes. Instantly, I feel a searing, blinding pain in my eyes, and I drop to the ground, Sparking up on reflex. The agony is unbelievable, and I can’t see anything at all. A blank, black void has replaced my vision, and my hands go to my face on their own.

Through the shock and pain, I can feel that my skin around my eyes has turned hard and smooth. I also can’t feel the skin around my eyes.

I’m not completely petrified like Rarity, but I’ve been blinded completely, and the burning sting in my... well, where I used to have eyes, is almost unbearable! I try and use my powers to reverse the effect, but as usual with magic that’s already taken effect, I can’t remove it. All I’ve managed to do was prevent the effect from spreading, but the pain and the blindness make it horrifying. I can’t see, and I’m stuck here, defenseless...

“Oh my goodness! Are you alright?” a feminine voice calls out to me, and I feel a pair of human-feeling arms circle my torso, hauling me up to my feet and patting my face. “Oh, what happened to you?”

“I... I don’t know! I... I’ve been blinded, and it stings. All I recall is these glowing eyes, and... wait, who are you?”

“My name is Myrna. Also, how are you glowing?” I feel myself be steadied and held gently, maybe even gingerly, at what I’m guessing is arm's reach.

“Long story short, I’m basically a baby star.” I respond, trying to readjust my center of balance. “I think if it weren’t for my powers, this would have happened to my whole body. I think that’s why I’m not like my friend here.” I gesture to where I think the Rarity statue is, I could be pointing in the opposite direction for all I know.

“W-wait, that’s your friend? But- that’s a statue. It’s been there for hours.” the voice says. “Unless... oh no, the thing that did that to your eyes! It got your friend! That’s not good... uh, what do we do?”

“Okay. Uh... hold on, gimme a sec.” I try and clear my head, focusing on accepting the darkness, rather than fighting it. ““Okay, let’s see... uh, we need a plan. I told Fluttershy to let Twilight know I’d be here looking for Rarity. Since I’m not coming back, she’s supposed to come in and find me with some backup.” I sigh. “It seems that for now, all we can do is wait for the rescue party and make ourselves noticeable.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea... uh, wait, I think I have an idea, but you’ll have to trust me, okay?” she says.

Normally I’m not about to literally blindly trust someone, but I’m not really in a position to argue, so I go along. “Okay, what’s your idea?”

“I, uh, have some powers. I don’t know how, or why... but I can move stone. Like... telekinesis, but it only works on stone, and maybe dirt, a little.” I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me, before hearing a rumbling below me. “I’m going to lift it, and us, up.”

“Alright, fine. So how about a name?”

“Oh, right... I’m Myrna. You?” she asks, as the sudden heavy feeling in my stomach, like I’m riding an elevator, begins to make itself known amidst the rumbling.

“Anthony.” I reply. “I’m a star as I mentioned, and I can manipulate coal. Anything ah... ‘new’ with you since you got here?”

“Uh... I’m kinda... not really human anymore.” she says, sounding very sad, and a little quiet. Not, like, ‘whispering’ quiet, just the quiet someone gets when they’re sad.

“Join the club.” I say, rolling my eyes. “Anyways, if my theory is correct, some demon or something is going around turning everyone around here to stone. Since stone is your area I’m willing to bet there’s a connection. But the other demon I fought was all monstrous and stuff so, probably not you, just an odd coincidence.” I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, seeing as she’s not acting like the demon from before in the slightest.

After the rising sensation stops, I can feel a breeze across my face, except where the stone surrounds my eyes. “So, uhm... where are we?” the girl’s voice asks.

“You are, well, we are in the Everfree forest on the outskirts of Ponyville.” I say, getting used to the altitude and the lack of feeling in my eyes.

“... that doesn’t tell me much. I mean, the pony statue means we’re probably not in Kansas anymore.”

“Judging by them having a mostly-different set of stars and constellations, my guess is this isn’t Earth. Well, pretty obviously not our Earth, but... you know. Anyways, what say we make ourselves noticeable?” I enter my heat form and start generating fire from my hands, hoping the light is visible from ponyville, this far into the forest.

The girl gasps, and I hear scuffling sounds behind me. Less than a minute later, I can hear the sound of beating wings, then Dash’s voice saying, “Anthony! Everypony’s been looking for you, Fluttershy said you were looking for Rarity! And what’s with the creepy statue?”

“Stuff can be explained later. Yes I found Rarity. She’s a statue, and I’m blind. The girl down there is a friend.”

“Girl? Like a human mare? Or a-”

“Yes, a human woman.” I correct. “Go and- oh, right, there’s something around turning things into stone, hence my face.”

“Oh, I thought that was a mask. Jeez...” The flapping noises head downwards. “Hey, Anthony sent me t-” thud.

“W- what the? Is that a pegasus? Why is it stone?” Myrna calls out. Oh no, whatever it was got Dash! Damnit, there goes rescue!

Or maybe not, more flapping! “Hey, Anthony! We saw Rainbow Dash go down there, is Rarity hurt?” It sounds like one of the pegasi from Ponyville found me, but we’ve got to find the creature responsible.

“Yeah, but there’s some evil creature around, it’s turning everyone to stone. It blinded me, but Rarity and Dash are statues!”

“Wait, like a cockatrice or basilisk?” the pony asked.

“If those exist here in magical ponyland, then probably yes.”

“Gotcha. I’ll go back, and ask for some depetrifaction potions; we’ll get more fliers and and try to airlift you guys out.”

Myrna calls up. “So... what’s going on? I don’t wanna be stone!”

One of the ponies up here with me speaks up. “Who’s that? I thought only Rarity and Rainbow were here?”

“That’s Myrna, I found her while I was looking for Rarity. Well, she found me after I was blinded. She’s a friend.”

I hear an exasperated sigh. “I’ll go down there.” I recognize the voice, it’s the mailmare.

“Derpy, maybe we should let somepony without uh, a...”

I hear Ditzy speak up, sounding a little bitter. “A disability? I’m perfectly fine, Thunderlane.”

“... I was going to say ‘condition’...” Thunderlane mumbled.

I decide to call up so as not to be mildly forgotten. “Ditzy? That you? Dang, I wish the circumstances were better... Anyway, uh. Why not let her come down? If she’s brave enough, who cares?”

“‘Cuz she’s got a daughter!” the pegasus stallion responds.

I hear Ditzy snort derisively. “I’m going. Be back soon. Thunderlane, Flitter, you two go get the charms and the potions, I’ll go check with those down below. Rainy? You make sure Mr. Anthony doesn’t fall off if the Everfree decides to gust about.”

I feel a pegasus gently grab my shoulders, as the others acknowledge their tasks. Ditzy begins to flap down towards Myrna, Rarity and Rainbow Dash. I hear the stallion from before, Thunderlane, call out as he’s leaving, “Be safe, Derpy!”

From below, I can hear Ditzy land on the ground. “Woah! You’re really big, miss.”

“Ah, my name’s Myrna. Are your friends going to be alright?”

“I think they will, we just need some depetrifact potions, and they’ll be right as rain. Wow, this isn’t a cockatrice’s work, though. They only make gray stone, and neither Rarity nor Rainbow is gray at all!”

I don’t like not being involved in conversations... “Uh huh. So how long until they get back? I kind of like being able to see. Also, can someone get me down from here, not just hold me steady?”

Both Ditzy and Myrna say they’ll do it, with the flapping of the pegasus’ wings reaching me first. A pair of hooves reach under my arms, and I’m lifted into the air and slowly lowered.

“Thanks. So, I guess we wait until those ponies get back with the potions. What can we do until then? I Spy sure is out.”

Ditzy and Myrna chuckle. “Well, uhm, you could tell me more about where we are, maybe?” Myrna says, hopefully.

“Well... It depends on who you ask I suppose.” I reply. “For the first year or so I was essentially a pariah of the town. Nobody’d even keep their store open if I was within ten yards of them. Then I punched a demon so hard his head exploded, saved the town, and now I’m a world-renowned hero getting fan mail and marriage proposals.”

“You... punched a demon’s head... and it exploded?” Myrna asks, sounding incredulous. It does sound a bit crazy, I know.

“Ask anyone in town, they’ll confirm. No joke, I’m pretty tough. The weirdest part, is that most of the ponies thought that what I’d do was eat them... sure I eat meat, but I’m not about to eat something sapient.”

“Well, they are really tiny.” Myrna says. “You’re pretty cuddly though.” the second part sounds like it wasn’t directed at me, and Ditzy giggles in response.

“Yeah, ponies are soft.” I reply, “So... what’s your diet like Myrna? You a vegetarian?”

“No, I haven’t exactly had the option to be one, even if I wanted after the last year...”

“Really? dang, what’s going on back home? I’m assuming you’re from the same Earth I am.”

“I- I’m not sure if it’s the same one... how long have you been away? Because there’s been... a lot happening over the last eleven months. At least, I think it’s been eleven months, calendars have become rather unreliable.”

That sounds... disconcerting. “Well, what year was it? It was 2014 when I showed up here.”

“How late into fourteen?”

“April, around the twenty-fourth. A few days before my birthday actually. Hell of a birthday surprise waking up on another planet, huh?”

“Well, you just missed the end of the world, then.”

I pause, the darkness of my no-longer functioning vision making that statement even more foreboding. Whatever hint of mirth I had in my voice is probably gone. “Define ‘end of the world’ real quick.”

“Monsters came out of flaming holes in the ground, and began to destroy, enslave, or rape everything.” her voice is quiet, pained. “And some of us that survived got taken... and turned into more of ‘em. Like demons, corrupting people or something.”

“Demons...” Yeah, I’m definitely past jokes right now. “And guessing by it being the end of the world, there’s not much left?”

“Have you ever played Fallout?” she asks.

“Uh... nope, never played anything by... who made it again?”

“Nobody important now. But have you seen artwork of it?” At my head shake, she sighs. “Well, there’s fortresses in places where folks have banded together and gotten enough weapons together to fight off the demons, and everyone else is either scavengers, nomads, or too crazy to care about hiding.”

“The others are dead I assume... Sounds like whatever pulled us off Earth did so to get us out of there. Only question is... who did it and why us?”

“No idea. I... remember falling asleep, barely, under a broken car, and then I wake up in this dense forest... I haven’t seen a living tree in nearly six months. It was... disorienting to say the least. And I was... different. At first, I thought demons had gotten me, because I’m all- all scaly now, but there wasn’t anyone here. And then statues started showing up, and I had thought they were someone trying to give me gifts, but... if they’re people, that’s just...” I can hear her shudder.

“Uhm, miss?” Ditzy says, voice a bit squeaky. “You’re crushing me a little.”

“Sorry.”

I decide to change the subject. “So Myrna. What else would you like to know? I may not be completely accurate, but you’d get a human’s perspective.”

“Uhm, well... are there- no, you already said you killed a demon.”

“Yeah, but there was only one. From what you said, it sounds like they’re overrunning the place. Probably a local variety of demon... though it did look disturbingly human aside from the... other bits. But hey, I can deal with them, I suppose. I got these powers and all. Anyways, enough about the demons. We’re here, they aren’t. Right?”

“R-right... except the one turning things into stone.”

“I’ll take care of it, just need some of that potion and... Idunno, some ruby-quartz glasses or whatever. Now come on, what do you want to know about this place. It is pretty much your home now. Don’t want you walking into town blindly and all.” I pause, noting the darkness again. “Metaphorically that is.”

“Uhm... the locals seem friendly enough... I guess if there’s any cultural things I should know, like not pointing at people, or not throwing peace signs or something.”

“They don’t have fingers... well, Spike does so I guess they could understand basic hand language... at least Twilight should.”

“Well, any I should avoid?”

“Celestia, trust me, she’s a bitch. Been on my case since day one and just went downhill even further the other day.”

“I’m sure the princess had good reasons!” Ditzy says, defensively.

“If her ‘good reason’ is hating me, then yeah. Anyways, where are those guys? I’d like to be able to see again.”

As if in answer to my question, more flapping sounds from above sound off, and I hear more voices. “Hey, we have the potions, and a lot of ‘em in case there’s need for extra. We also have a few charms that should prevent it. Who should we use it on first?” Thunderlane’s voice calls out.

I hear Ditzy speak up. “Alright, Thunderlane, give me a bottle. Anthony, tip your head back, this’ll need to go on your eyes.”

I do as I’m instructed, leaning my head back a bit and wait for the cure. “Alright, go for it.”

I feel liquid, presumably the potion, poured gently onto my face. I feel my eyes start to feel a lot less stiff, and soon, Ditzy stops pouring. I feel alright, but...

“Oh dear gods! It didn’t work! I’m blind for good!” I am totally freaking out, I’m probably flailing, but I think that’s excusable at this moment. I hear one of the other ponies scream in terror. Wait... That’s not fright, that’s laughter.

“Hey Anthony, why don’t you try opening your eyes?”

Suddenly, I can see again. Boy, do I feel like an idiot.

I look around, and see Ditzy smiling up at me, one eye pointing in another direction. Then, one of the ponies looks to my left, and freezes. Wait, no, they’ve just been petrified!

I hear Ditzy, Myrna, and one of the other ponies shout in fear, and I watch as Ditzy begins scanning around in all directions.

“Crap! G- get me one of those charms! I need to be able to fight this thing!”

“What’s going on?” Myrna asks, and I hear something move almost right behind me. Adrenaline pumping, I spin arou-

-nd and fall onto a couch? Wait, the hell is going on? I look around, and see I’m in the library, on the main couch, with Spike standing next to me with an empty glass bottle, a grey-colored film coating the inside.

“Shit, it got me, didn’t it? Completely this time...”

“If by it, you mean she, yeah.” Spike says. “Seems you were, according to Derpy, a little wrong in your guess on what was causing the problem. I’ll let Twilight explain once she gets back in from talking to your new friend.”

“Myrna was doing this? But... that makes no sense. She said she didn’t see anything but statues. They’d have to have been transformed before she found them.”

“Yeah, Twilight did some research, and found a really old book on mythological and extinct species and subraces of pony; there’s one in there called ‘gorgons’ who-”

“Snakes for hair, snake body, she mentioned she was scaly.” I recall all at once. “God damnit it was her.” A second realization struck me “And she played stupid saying it wasn’t her. So I guess we kill her then?”

“Actually, she’s the one who carried you back, and she really didn’t seem like she was doing it on purpose... ah, you’ll just have to go talk to her yourself. We finally figured that just blindfolding her would work and she put this thing she called a bra over her face.”

I roll my eyes. Right, they don’t have ‘underwear’ here. Well they do but it has entirely different meanings. I sigh. “I’ll go talk to her, where is she? Basement?”

“Ah, outside, actually. We’re not sure she’d fit in the library.”

I sigh again. “Yeah, sounds like a gorgon. I’ll be back in a sec.” I get up, stretch and head outside. There I see Twilight, looking rather nervous, talking to a giant snake-like creature... with a human torso. And I mean giant. Her tail half must be at least four feet thick at around the middle. If she had normal legs she’d be about eight or nine feet tall. She is massive. I walk over to her and sit down. “You can go inside Twi, I’ll take it from here.”

Twilight looks conflicted. “B-but I want to continue my questions; I’ve only asked forty of them...”

“I’ll handle it, I said.” I repeat as I scootch Twilight back to the front door of the library and shhe seems a lot less tense now that she’s away from Myrna. “So... you being a gorgon never came up, any particular reason why?”

“Uhm... because I’d never heard of one before?” she says, looking confused, though she’s staring a few inches left of my head.

“Okay, fair enough... but what are we going to do about it? We can’t have a nice girl like you wear a bra on her face for the rest of her life.”

“Oh, yes... We did some experimenting earlier, and when I’m relaxed and calm, I don’t turn people into stone. It’s just, y’know, when I’m stressed.”

“Fair enough.” I say, “Would you say you’re calm now?”

“Yeah, I’ve mostly been wearing it in case I get startled. The pinkie one jumped out of a bush to say ‘hi’ and I accidentally turned her to stone.”

“Yeah, Pinkie does that. She doesn’t mean anything bad by it, she’s just... really friendly. So, let’s cover a few things we should have earlier. You’re a snake.”

“Oh, uhm, yeah. Sorry, wasn’t all that big on my mind thinking about the potential hellish monster coming to kill us all.” she snarks.

“You’ve got quite the attitude, missy.” I reply sternly before softening. “At least you’ll be fun. Anyways... when did this whole... snake thing start?”

“When I arrived here. I mean, I hadn’t been all... snake-y before I got here.” she says, and I notice that there’s a bunch of misaligned scales and pale scars right where her snake half meets her human torso. I also note they’re just about the same width as the slightly clawed fingers on her scaled hands. A moment after she sees me looking at her hands, she tucks them into the pockets of her hoodie, her bra having vanished from her face at some point in the conversation. She’s got some scales on her cheeks and forehead, and her hoodie is up.

“So... you just showed up here and were suddenly a mythological creature you’d never heard of before?”

“Yeah.” she says, nodding. Her eyes, now that I can see them, are really pretty.

“Cool.”

“So... what happened with you getting here?” she asks, shifting in place.

“I woke up here, and I’m a living star.” I trigger my Heat form to demonstrate.

She gasps. “W-woah! You’re warm!” she says, sliding closer. I haven’t even actually tried outputting heat yet, but she can feel the temperature change, apparently.

“Cold-blooded like a snake, too. Interesting.” I say. “So, you’re pretty snake-like. How about your mouth?”

A tinge of red colors her cheeks. “Uh, my m-mouth?” she asks, sounding surprised.

“Like do you have snake fangs or anything? Or a long tongue?”

“Uhm...” she stammers for a moment, then slowly opens her mouth, and it opens wide... wider... wider still, until her chin has touched below where an adam’s apple would be if she were a guy. Inside her mouth is two rows of sharp, thin teeth on either side of her mouth, each pointing slightly back in towards her throat, with a central gap between the rows about two inches wide. Her tongue, long and narrow slides out of her mouth, and she blushes a bit more as her eyes skate away from mine.

The teeth are very off-putting, and I cringe a bit as I imagine her biting me... but she wouldn’t do that, would she? though she could probably bite my head off with that quadrate bone. “Alright.” I say, “And there is one more... major defining feature of gorgons. Their hair... take off the hood, would you?”

She looks down at me, jaw closing with a small ‘pop’. “Ah, alright, but they look kinda weird...” she says, and pulls back the hood. At first, I think it’s just that her head is kinda deformed, no snakes at all, until the first one begins to move, pulling itself out of where it’s tucked into her top. The snake is some form of anaconda or something, and thick around as one of Twilight’s legs. The muddy brown and near-black coloration shines softly in the daylight, as the snake looks at me, flicking its tongue. Four more pull themselves free, and Myrna’s hoodie now looks a lot baggier, five total snakes all peeking at anything nearby with apparent interest. Another, almost as big around as one of my legs, finally pulls itself up sluggishly, and sits on her shoulders for a moment before just going back to draping itself down her back, reaching about where her butt would be on a normal human.

I decide to test their blood as well and increase my temperature slightly, the snakes all taking almost immediate interest in me, except for the big one.

“Your... friends seem to be cold-blooded as well. Interesting. I figured it would be easier for me to ask these questions. Twilight has a thing about snakes. Also, she likely didn’t really talk as much as test you. So... back to you. How do you like Ponyville so far?””

“Well, everybody’s really friendly, the ones who’ll talk to me, at least.”

“Ponies are skittish. They didn’t like me much, some of them still don’t. Just give it time. And maybe show them you’re here to help them. Heh, wanna read some of the fanmail the kids send me after I saved the town?”

“Oh, sure! I’ve uh, never met a real-live hero before.” she says, smiling.

I grin at the praise. “Wouldn’t call myself a hero but they sure do.” I head back into the library and return with some of them.

The first I show her is one of my favorites, just a little kid’s messy writing saying she’s glad I saved her mommy. Myrna laughs and smiles at it. “That’s adorable!”

“Yeah, the ponies are prey animals so they’re naturally scared easy, but they’re nice.” Myrna takes the letters and starts sifting through them at her own pace. “And there’s some from other towns, even other cities, too. Only really been here and Canterlot though.”

“You don’t travel?” she asks, looking through another letter.

“Nah, Ponyville’s a bit of a ‘weirdness magnet’ so leaving here would be like leaving the center of interesting things. Heck, if I left Ponyville, I wouldn’t have met you.”

She blushes again, before reaching for another letter. She goes to open it, and I realize too late that it’s one of the ones with perfume on it... and raunchy contents. “Wow... ah, while I’m not sure that’s anatomically probable, but it sounds like something you’d want to travel for.”

“Oh, uh... well, no, see, I get those all the time too. But, you know, I don’t swing that way... not into ponies.”

“Ah, for a moment I thought you were going to say ‘not into women’.”

“Would me being gay be a problem?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “Trust me I’m not, but still... I’m not a fan of bigots.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have any problems with it, but to be honest, you’re the only guy I’ve met in more than four months who didn’t try to buy me, sell me, or just plain take me.”

“Yeah, I’m not the kind of guy who sees women as objects. Sounds like you got off Earth just in time.”

“Not soon enough...” she whispers, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away.

“More on that later. Let’s not kill the mood.” I say, before realizing I implied there was a mood to kill.

She chuckles wryly, but nods. “A-anyways. Uhm, so what do you normally do for fun around here?”

I shrug. “Terrorize ponies, hang out with the kids, mess with Twilight, prank Pinkie and Rainbow...” I trail off before adding. “Deal with the occasional disaster.”

She nods. “Yeah, sounds like a hero to me.” she says.

“Like I said, not a hero. I prefer anti-hero.” I say, leaning back to lay on the grass and just stare at clouds. “Though as for travelling, here in a few days I’m going to Wunderland. Ever read those books?”

“By Lewis Carroll, right? I haven’t read the originals, but a bunch of the spin-offs and recreations are great.” she says, smiling.

“Yeah, I’m going there. For real. I’d ask if you wanna come with but I think between Pinkie, Twilight, myself and Cadence we should have a pretty full party.”

“Ah, alright... and I’m not sure I want to go from one craziness to another right away.”

“Fine with me. But in the meantime, I understand everything’s a bit new what with your body being mostly snake-y now. Other than the petrification thing, what can you do exactly?”

“Uh, well... I can move stone and a little bit of dirt, sorta. It’s like telekinesis, but I can’t do it with anything else, and it works best when I use my hands on it.” she says, before sighing. “Sorry, that’s a pretty dumb way to say it... Uh, have you ever seen someone working clay on a spinning wheel?” she asks.

I nod “I’ve actually tried doing it personally. It didn’t go well but I have the analogy. You can do that with solid stone?”

“Yeah. And, again, dirt a little. And I can sorta swim in it? I say swim, ‘cuz that’s what it feels like, but it’s dirt and stone, not water or anything...”

Interesting.... “You seem to have an Earth-based powerset, whereas mine is stellar. To a point.” I Spark up and go intangible, sliding out of her embrace as I get up and walk away. I watch as her tail and body sort of fall in from not having anything against them. It’s just then that I realize she was hugging me. I power down to normal again. “Pretty neat, huh?”

“Wow! You’re like Kitty Pride, but you’re a guy!”

“Hey, Shadowcat is hot! I don’t mind having any comparison to her.” I grin. “Although I have to be in my Star form to do it.”

“So?” she asks, furrowing her brows. “Wait, is there something bad about being all... Star-form?” she asks.

“Not that I know of, but I can also get huge, but that seems to be a separate power as I can’t do anything with my star powers while I am.” I grow to about ten feet tall. “Heh, you’re just about my size now... kinda...”

She giggles. “Well, can you shrink, too? Cuz then you’d be like Ant-Man and the Human Torch.”

She’s a comic geek too? Looks I just scored a ten here. I grin. “Nope, can’t shrink, but that would be neat. So, you like comics?”

“Well, duh! Deadpool’s one of my favorites, but any of the X-Men series are great.” she says. “Though I have to say, Batman’s my second-favorite comic series ever.”

“I like Spider-Man.” I say, “He’s awesome. Anyways, more on my powers... I can do kinda what you do with stone, but it only works with coal.”

“Huh, weird. Cool, but weird.” she says. “Do you have anywhere I can show off the last thing I found I can do? It’s... different.”

I nod. “There’s an open field just beyond the library. Unless you need a tree or something. It’s pretty bare.”

“Nah, that’ll work.” she says, and gestures for me to lead on.

I take her out to the field and we’re a good distance away from town. “Alright, show me what you got.”

She nods, and turns to the ground, taking a deep breath before exhaling, hard. A cloud of fog pours from her mouth, sliding across the ground and leaving a trail of frozen grass and flowers, coated in a perfect layer of frost.

She blows the last of the cold from her lips in a puff of condensed air, and looks back at me. “Cool huh?”

“Funny.” I grin. “Doesn’t that get chilly when you’re cold-blooded though?”

“Strangely, no, not when I do it, but the ground still feels painfully cold afterwards.”

“Interesting. And you say you have telekinetic power over stone. Can you, like, make knuckle dusters out of it?”

“Oh, better than that!” she says, and holds up her hands, fingers slightly spread. After a few seconds, grey, soupy liquid pours out of the ground, as if falling up onto her hands, hitting and setting like cooling wax into the shape of a pair of stone gauntlets. Then, she opens her eyes and begins to ‘smooth’ them down into better armored shapes. “And best of all, it feels weightless to me.” she says, holding it out for inspection.

I feel the stone and... it’s solid.. As if they had always been on her hands. “Impressive. I can only do that sort of thing with coal as I said before.” I summon a lump of coal from my pouch and toss it in the air, and make it hover for a few moments. Then I turn it into a sphere and float it over to Myrna.

“Yeah, and coal isn’t as... effective as stone, really.” she says.

“Oh?” I say questioningly. “I make do.”I form the small lump into a three-dimensional snake figure, and have it slither in place, floating just in front of her face. It coils up, and then just floats there.

“Heh, I can’t make it float that well.”

“I can do more than make it float.” I grin. Holding the little snake figure in my hand, barely fitting in my palm, I begin the process of turning it into diamond. Once I’m done, I feel worn out as usual, but I hand the diamond snake charm to Myrna.

“You could probably put some thread through the loop and make a necklace or something. Man, I need to sit down...”

Once I hand her the diamond snake, I head back inside the library and sit on my bed. That always takes a lot out of me... Wow, that pillow’s getting awful cl-

Chapter 29

I’m not sleepy just... exhausted. My brain has already been kinda frazzled from today’s events, and now I’m dealing with power-use fatigue. I didn’t have to do it, but I felt like showing off. And I kinda wanted to give her something special as a welcome gift to say ‘Hi! For the first few weeks, you will be a freak, but that’s fine because I’m a friend and I don’t care that you’re a snake-person!’

Also, there’s her story of getting here. Or rather, the demons. What’s going on? Are there going to be more demons coming here? Well, if there was some sort of contest and the winner was the one who killed or corrupted the Element of Kindness... yeah, Fluttershy would be on the top of my hit list. Guess I should at least anticipate them...

But how many demon attacks could Ponyville take? I’d say it might take a modern human militia force to be effective at just slowing one. These ponies... they aren’t warlike. They don’t have the violent nature for that kind of thing. I just don’t know if that a good thing as they work together... or a bad thing because they aren’t prepared for threats.

Guess I kind of am their hero. I protect them with a form of violence that... they just can’t conceive. Oh well.

I grab another of Blueish’s books on Wunderland. I’m flipping through the book, only half paying attention, when I’m suddenly hit by something large and traveling fast, right in the gut. On reflex, I Spark up, going almost immediately to my Heat form. I hear a yelp of pain, and look down to see Rainbow Dash bounce off of me, her belly singed. I sigh, and groan a little.

“Jeez Dash. You need to start using the door, sometime. I’m not the right person to surprise with a body slam.”

“Sorry, man. And you should be more careful, too! You coulda burned me!” She gives me a half-hearted glare, but I’m not impressed.

“Yes, I need to be careful and wary while I’m laying on my bed, in my room, and always expect that if something hits me, they won’t start wrecking the town unless I do something.”

“Oh come on, that’s only happened, uh...” She concentrates, scrunching up her face to do the math. “Three times? Or two? I can’t remember! And one of those was your fault, you let out Discord!”

“First of all, I’m glad I finished high school before I came here, seems I wouldn’t be getting that good of an education if an element of Harmony can’t count. Secondly, Discord was fun, just out of control and I put him in his place. I agree, he needs training.”

“Hey! I can count to, like, a hundred! On my own! I didn’t have time for school, I was training to fly like a champ when I was younger!”

“Well, you certainly show it. Tell me, how many zeroes are in one-thousand?”

“Duh, none! It’s a word!” Dash puffs her chest out happily, a smug look on her face. Okay, that’s almost funny, but it works.

“For the record, I’m glad I live with the smart one, even if your science around here is completely screwed up. Lightning that doesn’t kill? Never heard of electrical fires? Bullcrap.”

“Pfft, you’re the one with screwy science. Lightning that kills? Lightning setting things on fire? Crazy.” We look at each other, before cracking smiles.

I give an evil grin, enter my Dynamo form, and start generating some electricity. “Wanna put your money where your muzzle is? How much you wanna wager I can’t turn a piece of paper to ashes with just electricity?”

“Oh come on, everypony knows that if you put enough energy of any kind through anything, it either melts or explodes. Unless it’s a chariot in an action play, then it blows up when anything happens to it other than being driven.”

I grin. “It turns too hard- BOOOOOM!” I emphasize the word by spreading my arms apart quickly and flailing them. Dash and I both start laughing.

“Hits a pothole! Kablooie!” Dash shouts, laughing and rolling on the ground.

“Yeah, explosions are nice and all, but seriously that stuff is ridiculous. But I’m not kidding, the only reason your lightning is safe is because it’s wimpy. Could you squeeze out a lightning bolt with enough power to cause a real explosion?”

“Ha! As if I’d waste the time. The real lightning is used by the Cloudsdale Elite Guard. They’ve all got actual combat experience, and they can generate lightning able to fry a gryff to death.” Dash stops for a moment before suckign in her lip. “Er, but that’s kinda a state secret that Spitfire let slip when we hung out at the Gala. Please don’t tell anypony?”

“Rainbow Dash, technically speaking, I only live here. I come from another planet. Most of this stuff I couldn’t even use.”

“Well, yeah, but nopony is supposed to know about it, it’s their secret weapon in case there’s ever a major invasion.” Dash actually looks really desperate to keep this under wraps.

“Is it public knowledge that they have a secret weapon, even if the specifics are unknown?”

“No. Supposedly, they’re just better trained, and only get in if they get actual combat experience outside the unit. But really, it’s if they find somepony who can actually boltcast, and they teach ‘ya how to hone that. Spitfire can do it, but she declined joining, so did Soarin’.”

“That’s a really stupid military tactic.” At the look of confusion I get from Dash, I decide to clarify. “Think about it. If you say your city has a secret weapon that can kill a gryphon, but the opposition doesn’t know what it is and therefore doesn’t know how to stop it, it sounds like you have the ultimate weapon, which means only the really brave or really stupid would attack, thus meaning, fewer attackers overall.”

“Uhm, Anthony? We are ruled by the two beings who control the sun and moon. They had a heated debate a thousand years ago that made the entire world endure a two-week night. I think our ‘obvious’ weapons are good enough.” Rainbow Dash looked smugly at me.

“And yet here I stand, enough power to wipe out both of them in seconds... and I’m on the inside... And if there are more of those demons...”

Dash looks at me worriedly. “But... how are you more powerful than Luna or Celestia? Or both, really?”

“Because I don’t shy away from killing. I don’t need to match their power, I just need to kill them. Seriously, you guys think way too much about magic and not enough about mortality.”

“B- but if you killed them, then what about the sun and moon? There’s nothing else strong enough to move them.”

“I’m a stellar being, I don’t really need sunlight. Or the moon. Technically speaking, I could completely wipe you all out and lose nothing. I’m your worst nightmare.” I then give her a happy smile. “And we’re friends!!” I crush her in a big bear hug.

She eeps, and shouts, “Not cool, man! I was freakin’ out!”

“Rainbow, think about it. Sure I wouldn’t lose anything, but what would I gain? The only reason anybody fights is to gain something from it. If I have no reason to be your enemy, why should I be?” I pause. “There is no reason. I’m also not the kind who kills for fun. Even with our screwy science, us humans are dangerous, but if there’s nothing for us to gain from being violent, we just don’t care.”

Dash nods, her fuzzy face tickling my ear. “Oh, yeah, I came in through your window because Twilight cussed me out last week for breaking another window, and I wanted to get in. The other windows are closed. D’ya know where the new Daring Do book is?”

“Still don’t know how you guys stand that trash... check the kids section, seriously, it’s just a kid’s series.” I push her back slightly so I can look her in the eyes.

“Just shows you don’t like history. It’s all based on real things, I just know it!”

“For a while, people thought Star Wars was based on real stuff that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. And you are right, I never got more than a B in any History class I took. I hate it.”

Rainbow lets out another ‘pfft’ that ruffles my bangs, and I realize that my hair is falling across my eyes in a tangled, curly mess. Crap, I need a haircut.

“Anyway, go find your literary garbage heap, and I’m gonna go find a place to get a haircut. I need to rid of this giant mop on my head.” I’m about to get up but then I think about something. “Hey Dash, you’re a tough pony, right? What’d you think of some of the music I played at my hero party?”

“Pretty awesome!”

“Hmmm... how about something a little more... dark?”

“Dude! Awesome!”

“Alright... just warning you. Not everyone will enjoy this, ‘cause a bunch of you ponies are wusses. Here’s a good one.” I pull the Lyre out from under my mattress and start playing the song.

Once more, the song began flowing as the night crept up my arms. About halfway through, I saw that she’s air-guitaring along with the song, a goofy grin on her face.

The two of us head bob, and she somehow gets the lyrics along with me.

The song soon is finished and I’m panting. “And that... is what we call Hard Rock!”

“That...” Dash pants a few times. “Whoo... that was awesome! I can see why you didn’t play it with the foals around, though. Heh... oh, I’m gonna go check out that book, and maybe go see what the new person, whatsername, uh...”

“Myrna. Personally, I wouldn’t forget the name of a hundred-plus foot-long snake woman who turned me to stone. But that’s just me, I guess.”

Dash nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She shudders, and a look of fear passes over her face. “It was like being stuck in a full-body cast, but I couldn’t see and it felt like I was suffocating, like, the whole time!”

“Yeah, I’d imagine that’s what being turned to stone feels like. I can’t imagine how Discord could stand that for a thousand years. Which, by the way, is three zeros.”

Dash frowns again. “I- I guess I never thought of it like that.”

“Suddenly, him always trying to escape being hit by the elements makes sense, huh?”

Dash nods, and begins making her way shakily to the stairs. “I’m, uh, just going to get the... the book.”

“How the mighty fall, when they realize that their treatment of villains, is just as villainous.” I pause looking at Rainbow. “Nevermind, just thinking aloud.”

Now, I’m looking around the town, because I’ve honestly not needed the services of a barber in the last two-ish years... or maybe, exactly two, if Myrna really does come from the same world as me.

I figure that I might stop by the spa, see if the owners knew. Similar business and all that. Plus, I hadn’t met the owners yet, despite being at the spa yesterday.

I step up to the spa, seeing that it states it’s not open on sundays and mondays, which isn’t a problem, as it’s wednesday now. Ducking under the relatively short door as usual, I look around. There’s only two ponies in here, one of them being... Big Mac? Huh, well, guess I’m not the only tough guy who likes a bit of pampering. Also, an orange pony with curly hair, who’s reading a magazine.

I decide I should just sit down and wait. I don’t think anything in these magazines would be interesting, but I decide I might give one a shot, not actually looking at the title.

The magazine is full of various tips about growing gardens, all with weirdly worded sentences. Also, most of the phrasing makes no sense. Wait... I stop as I get to the ‘readers write in’ section, and the realization hits me that the entire magazine is written in classy double entendre. About vegetable gardening.

Gingerly, I put the magazine back on the table and settle into my chair. If that’s their idea of smut used for humor... good lord this place is messed up. I take a chance with another, this time looking at the title first. Equestrian Geographic.

Heh, this might be interesting. Maybe I can learn something. I find an article on gryphon culture. Flipping past the two-page photo of a painting of a castle shaped like a bird skull, I scan the article.

‘Many decades before the rise of the Diarchy to power over Equestria as its rulers, the Grand Empire of King Rueter rose to power, and a more dynamic king has, thankfully, not been seen since those times’ was the opener, followed soon by ‘Gleb Rueter was the first Gryphon to unify the entirety of the Gryphon Nations, taking the scattered threads of civilization, and weaving them into a glorious basket, capable of carrying all of Gryphon kind.’

What the fuck am I reading? No, really? I mean... what’s with the basket thing? I thought gryphons... well, as far as my mythology went, they are semi-intelligent, and fully sentient here. But mostly, they’re just predators... I mean, sure they could have a kingdom but... something about this sounds... wrong. But I just don’t know why.

This is definitely the same magazine as National Geographic, but with a different title. And planet, I suppose.

I read a little more, morbid curiosity daring me to. ‘The fundamental barbarity of gryphons prevents their civilizations from lasting long.’ Hell of a quote. The gryphon I met certainly served meat, but he seemed nice, he wasn’t a brute, he was grateful for Vinyls help... Oh well, I guess there’s probably something similar to the First Amendment here, so they can write whatever crap they want.

I look up, and see that the orange mare has already left, I must’ve sat here longer than I thought, going over this article. I’m about to ask if there’s any way to call the spa owners when one opens the door and calls in Big Mac.

Just sitting here, I think about looking over another magazine, but only the fates know what I’ll get this time... I decide not to, so I just sit and wait. I’m not even here as a customer, I just wanna know where a salon is!

After about half an hour of waiting later, the orange mare from before leaves, her mane more bouncy and shiny than before, and the pony who let her out looks to me. I sense some vague recollection, and the blue mare with a pink mane smiles at me.

I get up and walk over. “Uh, yeah, hi. Uh, I was wondering if Ponyville had a salon, and if so, where it is and what it’s called.”

“Oh! Vell, my seester und I can-” she coughs once, then continues. “ah, that is, my sister and I can help you vith your hair, Anthony. And you still have that discount!” She smiles broadly.

“Well, thanks. I guess if I’m here, I might see what other services you have. Though a massage might be difficult. Muscle structure being pretty much completely different. But you’re welcome to try.”

The mare squeals happily. “Very vell, then! Eets your first time here, so you get this one free. I’ll go get my sister. Mr. McIntosh is volunteering for today, so we’re not short of hooffs.”

“Well, lead the way, uh... I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

She giggled again, behind her hoof, and led me into the building. “It’s Lotus, Anthony.”

I’m led to the main area of the spa and I see the general stuff I’d expect from a human spa. A jacuzzi, a sauna, massage beds, mud packs, all that stuff. Granted everything is sized for a pony, so I’m a little big, but it seems like the spa sisters are going to do their best anyway. Lotus leads me over to another pony in similar attire. In fact, they’re completely identical, except this new pony has a pink coat with a blue mane. Even the colors are exactly the same, just swapped.

“This ees my twin sister, Aloe.”

“It ees vonderfol to finally meet you, mister Anthony!” Aloe greets me with a large smile. “I vill be giffing you your manecut.”

“It’s certainly nice to meet you. Don’t give me anything fancy though, just cut it short. I’m not big on appearances.”

One of the sisters clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Such a shame, it ees much to vork vith.”

“I’d rather not start fighting another demon and have my hair accidentally cover my eyes.”

“Still, it ees a shame nonetheless.” Aloe leads me to a chair that is just barely big enough for me, and Lotus brings out a stepping stool so Aloe can actually reach my head.

Despite having just hooves, she manages to use scissors just as easily as a person. It doesn’t take long before she is finished and I am brought a mirror. I take a look and it’s just as I requested. Rather short, not completely flat, but not a giant mass. Said giant mass is now on the ground, being swept up by another stallion.

Once that is done, the sisters take a few of the pony-sized massage beds and set them up next to each other, making a large table that could fit me. I lay on it, after being instructed to lay on my stomach. I hear heavy hoofsteps on the smooth tile floor, along with Aloe or Lotus explaining to whoever is to be giving me my massage the run-down on what to do.

A moment of silence, then the hooves move to me. A crackling like knuckles being popped echoed from above me, and I have no time to contemplate it before the first hoof hits my back.

However, it’s not a hit like in combat, but merely the sudden placement of a hoof on my back. It’s big enough to cover one shoulder blade entirely. The inside of the hoof, which I should take the time to learn the name of some day, moved in ripples as it begins to massage my back. The hoof begins to move, pulsing and moving like machine designed for massages, another hoof beginning to do the same.

I can feel my muscles almost liquefying, knots in my back almost removing themselves.

Then, a series of careful, precise jabs along my spine seemed to almost shatter it - but after a second, I relax as I feel my spine settle into a relaxed, natural curve. I sigh happily.

Nearly fifteen minutes of being worked over later, the massage stops. Rolling over, I prepare to thank my masseur profusely, as they did an excellent job. Sure enough, as advertised, it’s Big Mac, his hair tied back by a spa headband. He looks at me with an expression that asks if I approve of his work.

“Wow, that was good, man. Thanks. Taking a break from the farm today?”

He nods. “Eeyup.”

From the next bed over, I hear a familiar voice, but drowsy, speak up. “And he does an excellent job, too~” I look past Big Mac, and see a large, white pony practically merging with her massage bed from relaxation, her wings limp and horned head down in the rest.

“Now what would Princess Celestia be doing here in a spa in Ponyville?” I ask, confusedly. “I’m sure there are better places closer to Canterlot. Right?”

“Mmm... if I wanted to cover my eyes in cucumber slices and mud, I’d have another food fight with my sister in the gardens. Here, I can get just a massage and hot soak... and a masseuse who’ll pummel my back until I can’t feel my hips~” her voice is almost a purr. “I get three hours to get this done every month, and it’s worth so much more than any in Canterlot.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac adds.

I raise an eyebrow a I pull my clothes back on. “You can only get this kind of treatment three hours per month?” I ask. “Jeez, can’t you get a break more often? I mean, you’re... well, half in charge of everything.”

“And if I leave the nobility in half charge of everything for more than three hours, I risk coming back to anarchy, revolt, or another cultist uprising.”

“Cultist uprising? I had no idea the princess was allowed to joke around.” I say flatly.

“I wish I was joking.” she says grumpily, before sighing. “Any time I’m missing, either a bunch of doomsayers or solar cultists pop up like mushrooms on a dungheap. Sometimes both, and then I have to clear out the most ridiculous turf wars afterwards.”

“I didn’t think the nobility had the brain cells to start a cult. They seem to think with their pockets before anything else.” I reply, recalling my brief stay in Canterlot.

“Well, you’re not wrong...” she says, sighing deeply. “Either way, the summary is that I can’t leave my ponies unattended. I’ve tried before, Luna has tried before, it has always ended poorly. May we change topics? I’d like to be relaxing here right now.”

I shrug. “Fair enough. Though there are a few issues I’d like to talk about, now that we aren’t surrounded by ponies that expect me to kiss your feet or take off your head.”

“Oh?” she asks, before giving a hearty moan at Big Mac going to work on her back again. It kinda does look like assault from here, but she seems to be fine with it.

“Why pick me to be the bodyguard for the new changeling queen? I mean, why not someone who hadn’t voted to kill them all?”

“Because you already -oof- have an idea what her mother was like. Because you nee -aah- eed to learn moderation of your -ooh- reactions. Because I felt it -oof- would make you a better, kinder -mmm- being. Because -ow- you needed to learn they weren’t all -ooh- evil. There’s dozens of reasons, take your -mmf- pick.”

“Didn’t change their view of me much, especially since I basically said that if they didn’t do exactly as their new leader said I’d roast them. And given what I heard about the new queens sisters, they aren’t all evil but they certainly aren’t exactly model citizens.”

“That is -mmf- one of the things I’m worried about. From what the -ooh- intelligence report said, the -aah- new queen is willing to work for -oof- peace, but took the brunt of the appalling treatment -mmm- she and her sisters took from their mother. If the -haaa- reports are true, Chrysalis’ crimes are numerous enough to -ooh- warrant a war crimes trial for -mmf- actions long before she engaged -aah- Equestria.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured she was a bitch when she tried to make me into a meat battery. That and not even naming your kid. The new queen seemed pretty happy when I gave her one.”

“You named her? And she accepted?” Celestia asks as Big Mac lets up on the massaging. The large red stallion looks her over before nodding and moving towards a large metal rolling table covered in oils, lotions, and various spa implements.

“Renaissance.” I specify. “She seemed to like it. I figured it was fitting since she was supposed to be replacing a tyrant... and not being a tyrant herself.”

“Mmm... good name. Still, our research into Changeling practices state that only someone your better can name you. And trying to give a nickname or the like is a sign that you think you’re better than the changeling you’re naming.”

“Nobody in the hive seemed to question it, and she seemed really proud that she had a name. So what, am I now her surrogate dad or something? Because I’m not gonna do that, I’m not up for being a father.”

“... We’ll go with ‘or something’ for this, Anthony. I don’t think you’d be comfortable with the details I was informed of for non-relations in this sort of situation.”

I sigh. “Fair enough. So, what’s it like being a princess who... well I should probably clarify what ‘princess’ means in human culture, huh?”

“That would likely help my explanation, yes.” she says, as Big Mac gingerly lifts a series of stones out of a small brazier, each of them glowing slightly from the heat, and settling them onto Celestia’s back. She coos at the temperature.

“Well, a princess... is the daughter of the queen. She's not in charge of anything really, princess is more of a title you get because you were born into it. In general, the main job of a princess is to do nothing and wait to marry some prince of another country or kingdom and become a queen herself.”

“Sounds like a less martial form of the Griffon royal system.”

“Yeah, princesses are mainly a prize for a hero or something, because it’s typical for a princess to be beautiful and all important because she’s royal. But you act more like a king... being in actual charge of the kingdom and passing laws and holding courts. Heck, that’s why it’s called a kingdom.”

“Hmm... well, Equestria is just a nation, but I suppose that makes sense where you come from. Technically, we’re a federated states, but the laws interpreting it that way were quietly abolished nine hundred years before Luna’s exile.” Celestia explains, her voice getting slowly more and more quiet as she relaxes into the bench.

“And the way I see it, based on the way you described, you guys are based on a herd system for the most part, like Earth horses.” she interrupts me to chide me for the term ‘horse’, but I roll on, “You’re in charge, and when the person in charge of the whole group is gone, the herd has no idea what to do and just sort of falls apart unless there’s already a pecking order established in the herd itself.”

“Well, the original idea of the Stable of Nobility was specifically to provide that ‘pecking order’ as you so put it, but, well... mortals don’t have the same ability to look two or three thousand years ahead when they make an action in self interest. While I wish I could say my foresight is perfect... well, I established the Stable of Nobility and gave it immunity to dissolution by the crown. I thought it would make them responsible for their own actions... and for the first few generations, it did.”

“One big mistake early on, princess...” I say, settling down and just staring at the ceiling. “Don’t give power to those who’ve never earned it. I guarantee you they won’t know what to do with it and it’ll all go downhill.”

She sighs, and Big Mac comes back, holding up a mud pack and offering it to me. I shake my head in refusal and he sets it on the cart without a word.

“Still, that is something I hadn’t yet been able to anticipate. I should’ve taken better heed of the problems surrounding the existing power structures when Luna and I took over. We were still young, then. Hindsight is sixteen-sixteen.”

“Twenty-Twenty.” I say. “Humans say Twenty-Twenty vision for hindsight. That’s perfect for us.”

“Why twen- oh, yes, you have four fingers and a thumb on each hand. I assume you’re used to a base ten math structure, then?”

“You use base four?” I ask, a bit intrigued. “Strange. Ten just seems like a much more rounded number, as it’s twice the halfway point for single digits.”

“For you, perhaps. I think there may be some form of translation effect between us, because every word you’re not making sense. Eight is twice ten.”

“Weirdos.” I say. “Explains why you’re still in the dark ages if you’re using math like that.”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that. Math is math, no matter the number system you use. You can use tally marks to explain math, and it makes the same results as any other form.” Celestia says, sounding like she’s said it before.

“Yeah well, still, you guys are pretty low-tech. You don’t even have microwave ovens.”

“‘Microwave’ ovens? They shrink things? Or they use small waves?” Celestia asks.

I throw her a snarky grin. “Don’t worry, if it’s over your head I won’t hurt your fragile little brain with the details.”

“Mmm... so you resort to backpedalling into juvenile comments when you can’t explain, understood.” she snarks right back.

“The princess still showing an unprofessional side, but only when relatively alone. Interesting. Why wear a mask that says you are a paragon?”

“I don’t put it on. Everypony else does that for me.” she says.

“I can fix that.” I say. “If you’d like. Then you wouldn’t have to be praised for every breath you take and be treated like you hallow the ground with every step you take.”

“No... I can’t force them back into anarchy again. I have worked for a thousand years and more... to make them less dependant on me. They will eventually take their own steps without me guiding them to good. Many already do. I rarely have to leave Canterlot anymore to deal with dark mages, death cultists, and monster ranchers with sinister intent anymore.”

“Maybe you should.” I say. “Then the ponies wouldn’t have to rely on me to clean up problems like that.”

“So far, you’ve only saved Ponyville, and sort of Ponyville again, depending on how much of Discord’s damages you take responsibility for. However... you are potentially reforming him to become a constructive and helpful force, not merely a danger, and I thank you for that. I just wish you could apply that understanding to more than just the outcasts of this world.” I notice that there aren’t any other ponies in the Spa with us at this point.

“It’s the outcasts that deserve acceptance. You don’t need acceptance if you’re already accepted. Right? Isn’t that a good lesson? Don’t take more of something when you already have enough of it?”

“You know very little of how a society works if you think others accepting you is all that is needed to accept one’s self.”

“Pfft, I already accept myself and that’s all I need. Besides, it’s your job to build society, not mine, so that’s a moot point.”

“As you say.” she responds offhandedly, before groaning and lifting the stones from her back, where they’ve cooled down to normal temperatures. “Unfortunately, I have to cut this conversation short. I have thirty minutes to get back to Canterlot before risking the nobility trying to sneak a law past me that lets them re-enact slavery or some other stupid idea they thought of this time.” she says.

“I’d like to do this again. It’s nice to have a chat rather than a stern demonizing.”

“That would be nice, Anthony. I enjoy being talked to as a person as well. It’s a rare enough treat. Perhaps in a few months, once you get back from Wunderland.” Celestia lights her horn and simply teleports away.

Through the Lookinglass Gate

Author's Notes:

Sorry about the delay, been dealing with school stuff. Will post the rest of the arc later.

Two weeks later... ish

Today is the day. Cadence sent down letters to Twilight, Pinkie and I, that the Lookinglass Gate that leads from Canterlot to Wunderland would only be open for another two days on this side. As such, we’re all packed up, and ready to go, and we’re sitting on the train to Canterlot.

With any luck, we’ll only take a few weeks there, but I’ve been warned over and over again that the time we spend there might not be the time spent here.

In fact, Twilight’s going over that again, while Pinkie and I are playing a card game and ignoring her. Besides, I’m not stupid, I’ve read enough theoretical physics and sci-fi to understand that things can get weird when moving to a new world or whatever Wunderland is.

Anyway, I’m rather surprised, because Pinkie has the best poker-face ever. She never stops smiling, which makes it really hard to tell what she has. This is difficult.

“D’you have a three?” she asks.

“Yes...” I place the card down on the table.

“Wait, so do I go fish? Or wait, what are we playing again?” This is the other problem with playing against Pinkie - she knows too many games, the rules all there in full.

“At this point, we could be playing ring toss. I have no idea.” Then I get an idea. I get some coal out. For the trip, I upgraded from a pouch to a saddlebag Rarity modified into a satchel for me. I make a little loop about two inches in diameter and tossed it at Twilight, trying to get it to land on her horn... without cheating.

The engrossed unicorn doesn’t seem to notice until Pinkie lands the first ring, and Twilight goes cross-eyed to look at it. “Wha-?”

Pinkie and I jump up and yell “Score!” Our arms raised.

“What are you two doing?” She asks, looking baffled by the ring’s presence. “What’s going on?”

“It’s called ring toss.”

Pinkie giggled. “It’s a lot of fun, Twilight! Ooh, I just had an idea, can you move your head back and forth?” Twilight lets out an exasperated sigh and rolls her eyes. Pinkie lands another ring on Twilight’s horn.

“Aw come on, Twilight, why are you only fun when you aren’t participating?” I ask, rolling my eyes, annoyed by the unicorn’s persistence at being a killjoy.

Twilight ‘humph’s and lays down on the seat, her horn at the perfect angle for the ring toss. She used her magic to levitate the two rings off of her horn and drop them on my lap. “Spoilsport...” Pinkie muttered. Her moods seem more... moody than usual.

“So, now what? We’ve still got another, like, twenty minutes until we arrive.” Suddenly a thought hits me and I grin. “You know, when we get back from Wunderland, it’ll only be about five weeks before we release Discord!”

Twilight glared at me. “Might only be five weeks! Have you not been listening? The temporal-”

“Yeah, you’re right, he might think we forgot about him! Maybe we should free him and take him along...”

“No!” Twilight is such a grump sometimes... She needs to get out more.

“Well, I guess that’s your opinion. I can’t imagine being turned to stone is very comfortable. Rainbow Dash certainly hated it. I just don’t feel right imprisoning someone longer than we have to.” I reply, folding my arms.

Twilight looks uncomfortable, shifting in her seat. It doesn’t look like she want to think too hard on that, tucking her hooves under her chest like a cat. It’d probably be more adorable if she wasn’t having to sort through a moral conundrum.

I decide to just keep messing with her. It’s the only way I can have any real fun with her anyways. “You know, that might be something to write down. After all, the more we know about various forms of petrification, the better. For all we know, it could be different. Though Rainbow did mention it felt like constant suffocation.” I pause to let that sink in. “We should really do all we can to help Myrna. And if it’s the same for Discord...” I shudder. “A thousand years of that, and now three more years...”

Pinkie and Twilight both looked deeply disturbed by the thought, and the air in the train-car turns sour with tension. Some start to a vacation this is... Hey, maybe there’s a chance I could at least go say ‘hi’ to Discord before I go, to at least say that I’ll be back as soon as I can. Rainbow said she could hear while stone, just not speak or move.

“Well, in any case, I’m gonna go for a walk around the train. I’ll take my opinions on the moral treatment of our adversaries we hope to befriend with me, I suppose.”

The two ponies shuffle in their seats as I leave, shutting the dividing door gently. I turn and see that I’m in some kind of dining-car, and there’s a bunch of ponies in business suits and the like clustered around either a minibar or a few tables attached to the train itself. They’re all staring at me, and I get the feeling that they stopped their conversations when I walked in.

“So, what do you guys do for fun on train rides?” I ask, sitting down, addressing the ponies nearest to me.

The entire car goes back to their business, the colt and the mare I’d sat across from shrugging. The mare glances at the stallion, and he glances back to her. “Mostly, we drink, or we wait. Ain’t much else to do for... business ponies.” he says. He’s wearing some kind of long coat and wide hat, and she’s wearing the same, but I don’t really care enough to eyeball their clothes.

“Really? You can’t be on business all the time. Come on, just relax. Sing a song, play a game! Live!”

The ponies glance left and right, almost perfectly in sync. The colt leans closer to me, while keeping an eye towards the bartender. “Listen, bud, we ain’t gotta thing to do, right now. We’re, uh, layin’ low. You got cards? We’ll play cards if you keep quiet.”

"You on the run or something? What'cha do, put hot sauce in someone’s coffee and they hire an assassin?” I whisper, keeping my voice down.

The two snickered. “Heh, sure, let’s go with that. Now, let’s play cards and not be conspicuous. I think the bartender’s already got us pegged.”

“You’re asking me,” I gesture to my very noticeably non-pony figure. “to look inconspicuous?”

The two look me up and down. “Howsabout you look more conspicuous than us? That’s a bit better than all of us being-"

The bartender, who had moved quietly and swiftly to the table without me noticing, clears his throat. “Sir, madam.”

The two ponies groan and face-table. The Bartender leans forward, eyes narrowing. “I must ask you... May I have your autographs? My niece is a big fan of the Wonderbolts.”

My table companions groan again. “I’m sure she is.” The colt sighs, and doffs his hat, revealing a powder-blue mane and blue coat. A wing snaps out from under the coat, gripping the proffered quill and signs the picture shoved at him by the bartender. The mare follows suit with a sigh, her hat coming off to reveal a literal fiery-looking mane and yellow fur.

I pause. “Why don’t you just say no? You wouldn’t believe all the fans I have, and I usually just say no. Why all the hiding?”

As the words left my mouth, I see that the dozen or so ponies have all pulled open their own coats, are now using old flashbulb cameras to snap dozens of pictures a second. The light is blinding, even to me.

“Okay, I’ll handle this.” I Spark up and rush across each of the paparazzi, and taking their cameras, before returning to the table, Powering down, and removing the film from each of the cameras. “As I said, why don’t you say no?”

The orange mare smiles gently and gives a quiet laugh. “What, and leave some poor little filly crying, because she got turned down by the Wonderbolts? It’s a tradition to sign it all, but ponies have been getting more and more inventive on tracking us down for autographs. It’s why we rarely stay still anymore.” She glares over at the paparazzi, who all back off, sheepish grins in place. I’m tempted, if only for a moment, to smash their cameras, but they’re just doing their jobs.

“So do what I do when I have to. I tell them that unless they ask first and are polite then they can take pictures or get you to sign stuff, or they get nothing. I only do it for nice people.”

The colt sighed, crossing his hooves. “Yeah, the last time we tried to limit our autographing, it took three wings of Stormbringers to stop the fires. Chickago hasn’t been the same since.”

“Well, I guess that is a problem, but technically that’s their fault. Eh just forget it, I’m probably not much help. Different kind of fame and all.”

The two ponies nodded, as I hand back the now-empty cameras. The film is mine now, and I’ll probably burn it once we’re somewhere I can safely dispose of it. The Wonderbolts offer me a drink from their bottle of whiskey.

“Canterlot’s only about a minute away, might as well have a drink to part with, eh?” the stallion asks, sliding a shot glass to me.

“Yup, I suppose so.” I pour some whiskey out into the glass and knock it back at once. I shiver from the sensation, but it’s not the hardest drink I’ve ever had. “Not bad stuff there. Guess when you’re famous you get the good stuff.”

The orange mare shook her head. “Nah, that’s just the normal stock. My uncle makes Firewhiskey, he’s named after it.” She pauses for a moment. “Or it’s named after him. I’ve never really looked into that.”

The whistle blows to announce our arrival at Canterlot. I get up and head back to the train car with Twilight and Pinkie. Technically I could just phase out of the side of the train and wait for them, but I’d rather not if the train is still slowing down. Within half an hour, we’ve assembled, met up with Cadence, who shares the strangest greeting with Twilight. I say ‘hi’, and decide to excuse myself to check up on Discord. I get there and I take a look at the statue.

According to the princesses, his first time, he was laughing. When I saw him first, he was scared. Right now, he just looks confused and peeved.

“Heya man.” I obviously get no answer. “Yeah, sorry about that, I really only did that ‘cause I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. You understand, right?” Still no response, I just get that frozen, annoyed face. “Yeah, yeah, I’m a party-pooper. Seriously though, I really would love to do that again, we just need to get the others to trust you. And that’s gonna take some work."

I sit in silence for a bit, and Celestia walks up to me. “And what are you doing here?”

“Saying hello to Discord.”

“Well, forgive me for a bit of skepticism. When a guard reported he saw you coming this way, I assumed I had to fear the worst.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I feel bad for a guy who’s been turned to stone. I’ve got a few ponies with experience who say it’s absolutely dreadful.” I say pointedly at the large mare, a bit of bite to my tone.

“Dreadful or no, he should be punished for his actions. I’m aware that we will attempt to reform him within the next month, and I hope you are right that he can be trusted."

“Well, trustworthy or not, I can’t imagine how it would feel to be stuck standing in a garden, unmoving, unable to see or speak at all for a thousand years. I mean, just a hundred would be extreme torture in my opinion. Petrifaction is not something to joke about.”

Celestia just looks up at Discord’s statue, her face a mask as usual. We stand in silence for nearly a minute, before she turns back to me. “We all have our sins to bear, Anthony. Do not assume I made the decision to return him to stone lightly.” She sighed.

“You didn’t make the decision at all, I went and got Twilight and we zapped him. You were nowhere around.” I say, “Unless somehow during all the chaos you managed to get a letter to Twilight, but with the library in the state it was, I doubt that she’d read it, or even notice its arrival.”

“I meant the first time, Anthony. Or did you think he turned himself to stone and waited for my student and her friends for nearly one thousand years in stone?”

“Considering his opinion on the matter, no, I doubt that. As for the first time, second time, or even the third time, what’s it matter to you? You all hate him.” I remind her.

“No, Anthony, not all of us hate him. In fact, I’m fairly certain that most of the populace barely dislikes him.” she snaps, looking at me angrily.

I return the gaze. “And you had every opportunity to defend him when I first asked about him, but you just let your little ponies tell me all about how evil he was, and all the horrible things he did to them. Saying nothing is just as bad as agreeing.” I say sternly.

“None of us said he was evil, no matter how you wish to change the facts to put you in the right, Anthony.

“I’m not putting myself in the right, I’m putting Discord in the right. Petrification? Seriously? If that’s really how you choose to deal with problems you can’t handle civilly, I can see why he ‘dislikes’ you so much.”

“Well, for one, Anthony, ponies don’t choose how the Elements of Harmony react to what they target.” Celestia says, and I feel my mind grind to a halt. They have a super weapon, and they don’t even choose how it does things?!

“And it’s your choice to leave him in stone, not letting him out and giving him a more appropriate punishment, no? This is your garden by your castle in your country. If you disagreed with it in any way you have every opportunity to set it right, but you don’t. That’s as good as choosing to imprison him in stone in the first place.” I say, our stares reaching a fever pitch. “You willingly instill a fate worse than death on a living creature, and you find nothing wrong with that? You are sick.”

“And why do you draw the conclusion I see nothing wrong with this? I am not even sure if he can sense anything through this imprisonment... or if he’s even conscious. Some of those who’ve been petrified have stated they could, but some do not, and a few have been petrified more than once and reported different results.” she says, sounding sad.

I stomp my foot. “I don’t like curses like this. The way I see it, nobody deserves it. If what they’ve done is truly, truly unforgivable, I’d say just kill them. But in the case of Discord... I don’t think he really knew how much danger he was causing. Can you say any different?” I recall his comment when I confronted him at the top of Town Hall. “In fact, I know he didn’t. He just needs a lesson in the mortality of others. I don’t think he really wants to do any real damage to anyone. But you would rather trap him in a state where he may or may not be totally suffering.”

“I would rather he had not attacked my ponies in a fit of pique! Twice!” she snaps again, then sighs, expression softening. “I apologize, today has been rather... trying in court.” That’s her excuse for being an asshole to Discord for thousands of years? Pfft. Bitch.

“Well maybe you need to stop acting like your precious ponies are the only creatures who deserve happiness... Would certainly get you farther with me.” I say, glowering seriously before turning away.

“I have no problem with others having happiness, Anthony, as long as it is not at the expense of the innocent.” she says.

“And who decides who is innocent? Is Discord not innocent because he has the mind of a child and can’t piece together how to have fun while being friendly?”

She’s quiet for several seconds. I’m about to walk away when she speaks up, “He is not innocent of the harm he has caused. He knows he hurt others, though I will admit he may not have known how badly he hurt them. I don’t wish to make him out to be a demon, or a true monster... but I had no way to safely contain him and explain, and it seemed that a thousand summers spent taking time away to speak to his statue did nothing to help him when he returned.” she says.

“Hard not to, when you’re the one who sentenced him to his imprisonment and didn’t actually help him, just stood there and talked while he couldn’t even converse back. Do you not see how mocking that is? ‘Oh hi Discord, it’s me again. You know, your jailer? It’s such a nice day isn’t it? Too bad you can’t move. I’m really sorry about that, but not sorry enough to do anything about it because I can’t think about anything but my stupid ponies. Bye~e!’ ” I end my mocking voice. “Don’t you get that that’s what he might have heard when you talk about wanting to help someone and then do nothing at all? Heck, do you even think about others’ thoughts, or just assume that they’ll like you because you’re a damn princess?”

“I- no... yes? I mean...” she sighs heavily again, eyes closed. “I know ponies do. Not all of them, but the majority. Those that don’t tend to hate me. There’s no living, thinking thing that doesn’t care one way or another about me.” she says.

“Right, because the world revolves around you just because you move the sun around.” I scoff. “Frankly, I think I should release Discord and just leave. We’d both certainly be better off without you and your bullshit.”

“What brings this change, Anthony?” she asks, looking at me with confusion barely visible on her carefully schooled features.

“What change? I’ve always taken Discord’s side over yours, he deserves it after all.” I reply, breaking eye contact with the nearly featureless face of Celestia and returning my gaze to Discord, very clearly displaying his emotions even while frozen. “You’re not being held prisoner by some stupid horse.”

“You were very different at the spa...” She clarifies, finally making sense of her statement.

“Just because I pity you doesn’t mean I like you. I meant what I said earlier, but I also meant what I said before that. That’s a huge leg up on you.”

She shakes her head and sighs, but doesn’t say anything for several seconds. Eventually, she speaks up again, “Can I trust you won’t do anything reckless in regards to Discord, Anthony?” she asks.

“Considering that when reckless acts started occurring I immediately went and got help, going as far as to aid in the stopping of the reckless behaviour... the only appropriate answer that I can think of is ‘What kind of question is that?’ But something tells me you won’t trust me anyways if you have to ask.”

“Evidently, a rhetorical one.” she says, and begins to walk away. I can’t put my finger on it, but she looks different than she did earlier in the conversation.

I bid Celestia farewell and go over to meet the rest of my group. Shining Armor is saying goodbye to his wife and sister. I go over to Twilight. “Did he tell you about the time I beat him in a one-on-one match?” I smirk, folding my arms.

Twilight laughs, and shakes her head. “He’s only really a good barrier mage, he’s not too good if you can get around him. I used to have so much fun once I learned to teleport.” She chuckles.

I look over, and see Shining get glomped by his wife and given a large amount of Public Affection, to a point that the guards and I are looking pretty much anywhere but at the two of them. Man that is quite the kiss. I think my cheeks are on fire from looking at it.

“So, are we going, or do I need to get a crowbar?”

Cadence finally lets Shining go, and he falls bonelessly to the floor, a look of utter, happy stupefaction on his face. It also looks like he’s barely breathing, and Cadence sure looks winded. She smiles and looks around. “Alright, yeah, I’m ready to go!” She giggles and bounces into the room containing the Wunderland Lookinglass Gate. I’m expecting, from the measurements given in the textbook Twilight was quoting about them, that the Gate would only be about four feet tall.

A sheet of shimmering, rippling quicksilver is attached to the far wall of the room, surrounded by a frame of simple copper, the frame shrouded in verdigris. As I step in, a sheathed blade is slapped to my chest, and I grab it on reflex. I look down, and see a handle of steel, inset with ivory whorls, swirls, and filigree shapes of varying kinds. The sheath is barely as long as my forearm, but looks to be about the right size to strap to my leg. Some kind of short machete?

“Uh, this is a... soup spoon?” I have no idea, so I figure I should give a weird reaction.

The guard who gave it to me, built like a house and covered in muscles and scars, glares at me. “It’s a Vorpal Blade. That’s an eighty-thousand Bit investment, so don’t lose it. Also, don’t draw it unless you’re attackin’ something, or it’ll go after you.”

“Fine, fine. So I take it you’ll be joining us with the rest of the redshirts?”

“Redshirts? I’m an armorer. Now git, you’re stalling the line.” I turn, and see that the guards behind me are patiently waiting for me to move.

“Oh very well then. Alright everybody, walk this way!” I say, taking large, over dramatized steps, and moving my arms about. I turn back to them as I keep going. “Get it, because I said walk this way, as in walk like thi-” Suddenly I’m through the portal.

A feeling like falling, but up and sideways at once, with a strange feeling like being on a corkscrew rollercoaster, but in reverse, fills me. Stretching and pulling sensations seem to grab my limbs, threatening to tear my arms out of their sockets.

All at once, I’m not falling, turning, or anything, merely standing in a large clearing in a fairly normal-looking jungle, a wooden palisade surrounding ti and buildings set up in all directions.

I feel the overwhelming urge to grab the nearest person and yell about how awesome that ride was. It just so happened that the nearest to me was Twilight.

After my outburst, she looks a little rattled, but rallies pretty easily. As she recovers, I see that she’s in a full suit of nearly-modern looking combat armor, complete with a salad-bowl shaped helmet over her head, her cutie-mark painted onto the side of the uniform and on her helmet.

I sit up and express my joy. “Man, what a rush. I think I almost threw up! Oh man I hope that happens on the way back, too!”

Twilight shakes her head. “Well, maybe if y-” She’s cut off by Pinkie flying out of the portal behind us at a fair clip, shouting ‘Whee!’ and cannon-balling into me and Twilight.

I look up at her, and see she’s nestled quite snugly over me and Twilight, and is hugging us both while we’re here.

“See, that’s the kind of thing I’d expect from most people after a ride like that! Where’s Cadence?”

“She’s getting her body armor on! Isn’t this stuff awesomazing?” Pinkie hops into the air, landing in a heroic pose more suited to Dash, in order to show off the armor. She’s got saddlebags on each side, her body has contoured armor plates covering vitals. The least protective armor piece is the helmet, which looks like someone painted a salad bowl in matte camo, put her cutie-mark on it, and slapped it on her head, much like Twilight’s. Pinkie’s flanks had her cutie-marks painted on as well.

“Yeah, I suppose. That might even stop a bullet for you. Looks pretty good.”

Pinkie pronks in a circle as Twilight sits back up, rubbing her head for a moment. Then, she notices her helmet fell off. Pinkie is currently juggling it, her own helmet, and a few others.

“Heh, yeah Pinkie totally comes from Wunderland...” I surmise.

“Ooh! I wonder if mister Tuffles is still around! He’s such a good bird.” Pinkie smiles wistfully, then looks thunderstruck. “Omigosh, I gotta go say hi to my Granny Pie! Anthony, you wanna come with?” I’m about to say yes as Cadence comes through the portal, stumbling and walking sideways for a second. Her eyes spin in their sockets, but her armor is easily a decade or six better than Twilight’s and Pinkie’s, and has her cutie-mark on the chestplate. She’s also got holes for her wings, and I can see metal covers on the front of the leading primaries, covered in the swirling designs that adorn my own Vorpal Blade. Her wings flutter to balance herself.

“Well I guess we should wait for the guards... nah. You two just tell them where we went. Come on Pinkie, lead the way!”

Pinkie giggles, and begins to pronk along. In spite of the slow, bouncy movement, she seems to cover more than twice the distance she travels. She’s heading towards one of the wooden buildings in the established camp. Somehow, she’s going at least twice as fast as me.

“You think you’re fast?” I Spark up and rush forward. Or, at least, I try. Moments later, I find myself at the Lookinglass Gate instead, the complete opposite direction of Pinkie. What the- ? Oh, right. Wunderland, the biggest middle finger to physics in history. I turn back to where I wanted to go, and I follow the same path, this time walking at a normal pace.

In refreshingly little time, I’m in front of a small, wooden cabin near the palisade gate, next to Pinkie. She smiles broadly, and knocks on the door three times.

“Who’s there?” a voice says from within the cabin.

“It’s-a me! Pinkie!” She flounces the word. I’m not sure how, but it happens.

“I ask again, who goes there?” the voice calls out.

I’m feeling a little funny in the head, and I give a reply. “It’s the Spanish Inquisition, you probably weren’t expecting us!”

Pinkie turns to me, and I can feel the confused look from whoever the voice belonged to.

“Wh- what? That’s not how it goes!” the voice called, sounding both confused and angry.

“Sorry, didn’t know if you even knew the joke in the first place. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! There, better?”

Several moments of silence pass. “I live in Wunderland, and I can tell you, objectively, that makes no sense, whatsoever.” The door suddenly frowns at me, and I have to quash a sudden urge to flee.

“Well pardon me, it’s not my fault I’m the only one who gets my jokes.”

The door rolls its knot-eyes at me. “Sure, that’s what all the failed comedians say.” Pinkie face-hoofs beside me.

“Yeah, yeah. So do we need to say ‘open sesame’ or what?”

The door harrumphs. “Fine, no sense of tradition I see. Your grandmother will be most disappointed, Pinkamena.” The door swings open.

“I don’t even know most of the traditions around here outside of Wunderland. Wait, Pinkamena? That’s what Pinkie is short for?” I give Pinkie an odd look. “What kinda name is that?”

“Idunno, but everypony in my family has a long first name, a short middle name, and ‘Pie’ for their last name!” Pinkie smiles up at me, and begins to bounce into the small, one-story cabin. I just follow her in, not really knowing what to expect.

It’s a cozy, nice place. The whole place has a rustic, simple charm to it, and feels very lived-in. There’s a fireplace, unlit, and a few shelves with books on them. A grandfather clock stands against one wall, a slightly shorter one next to it, and more than a dozen egg timers all over the floor and desk nearby.

Pinkie is standing near the middle of the room, where another pony stands, looking about the same age as Pinkie. Except, that’s where the normality ends.

The pony hugging Pinkie has her mane tied back, and it’s zig-zagged in blue and green, and a black-and-white checkerboard pattern covers the front half of her coat. Her hindquarters are a riot of colors and shapes, angles and curves making a tough-to-look-at ‘pattern’ of indescribable complexity.

“Granny Pie, I presume?” I say, announcing myself, trying to step over and around the various egg timers. The mare looks young but, hey, Wunderland. My guess was as good as any, I figured.

The mare chuckles. “Why yes, I am! Most folks guess me to be crosswise older than I seem, and even my cranky grump of a cat thinks I should look older. Contrariwise, I’m no older than I don’t look, but only if you’re looking for how old I’m not.”

I’m starting to get into the hang of the whole Wunderland deal, even if it makes the scientist part of my brain want to feed my legs into a woodchipper along with a bag of salt. “So Pinkie mentions you, but doesn’t say much. How’s about I get to know you?”

Granny Pie smiles widely and puts a hoof to her chest. “Why, young mister, I do believe we’ve only met! Maybe we should leave that off ‘til the second or third date.” She winks and grins at me.

“Hah, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not gonna try anything. This man right here is reserved for humanoids only.”

Granny Pie takes two steps towards me, somewhere in that time becoming a fully-fleshed woman, clad in a simple set of clothing matching her previous colors. Her hair is still zig-zagged in blue and green. “Now now, don’t be giving me challenges if you don’t really wanna participate.” She smiles wider, reaching out to boop me on the nose.

“Yep, you’re definitely related to Pinkie, even if she doesn’t make as many dirty jokes.” I boop her back. She scoffs. “But honestly, nah, not that interested.”

“Hmph, well, I take offense to your calling my jokes ‘dirty’, I keep them washed often and well, and soap behind their ears. I could do no less, after all, they serve me quite well. I am a queen, you know.”

“Well, I apologize for my slang, your highness.” I give a little bow, barely missing stepping on a timer. “Is there a particular purpose for all of these?”

“They, like my dearest Pinkie here,” Granny Pie begins, shifting back to a pony in the moment I wasn’t paying attention, “Are visiting their grandparents.” She gestures at the two grandf- oh. I should’ve seen that coming...

“I see, well I apologize if I crashed this little family reunion.” At this point, I’ve just given up questioning things. Who cares, anyway?

Granny Pie grabs me in a bear hug. Well, grabs me in a hug, as an extremely flamboyantly furred bear. “Not at all! And you’re just in time for tea! I have presents for you both, you know. Did you know, Pinkamena’s grandfather was a hat-maker? Oh, that’s what first brought me to him, you know.” She set me down in a chair, a feeling of being railroaded pervading my mind. “Of course, I stayed because he was a unicorn, and chained me to a wall with words.” she sighed theatrically and wistfully. “It’s wonderful, to be understood.”

“I agree completely. Though when others don’t understand, it just makes it more fun to confuse them. I wonder if Twilight and Cadence will be joining us.”

“I doubt they wouldn’t not choose to stay away or come. There’s no reason to avoid coming to someplace you haven’t been if you’re already there.” I have the sneaking suspicion she’s going in circles on purpose now.

“Anyhow, I heard you had gifts for us. Are we allowed to guess what they might be?”

“Oh, of course! But be sure not to guess wrong, that’d be most tragic. After all, this is a true banquet! And we’ll have to eat our words later.” Granny Pie shuffles into what I assume is the kitchen humming some tune under her breath.

Pinkie turns her head, grinning wider than I’ve ever seen her grin before. “Oh, wow, isn’t my Granny Pie great?” She looks at me, eyes bright and twinkling.

“She’s fantastic! In multiple meanings of the word.” I ruffle Pinkie’s mane and follow Granny Pie, again avoiding the egg timers. I think for a moment. Would she mean we eat the literal words we spoke, or does she mean we will eat whatever we say? Or both? Hmmm...

I step into the kitchen and see that there’s only half of many of the appliances. Sitting on what I think is a wood stove, made of wood, is a cat, silver in color with pale green pinstripes running along its body. It’s completely asleep, but grinning to itself.

I decide to choose a word of a dessert that tastes good, but the letters aren’t too blocky. Suddenly, a dessert I haven’t had in ages pops into my head and I guess it before I can think not to, my memory of it so delicious.

“Is my gift tiramisu?”

Granny Pie turns her owl head over her shoulder, grasping a set of utensils in her wings. “No, but that’s a good guess, if guesses could make their own decisions. I suppose morality doesn’t have much to do with guesses, but it could if he put mind to it.” Wait, is morality the word, or a person? Hell, I’m just gonna say it’s both.

“So, Pinkie, you wanna guess what your gift is?” I call out to the main room.

“I hope it’s something I want, but don’t have!” she calls back. I can’t help but chuckle.

Granny Pie turns around, seamlessly shifting back into a human again, carrying a bowl full of red-orange goop. “Now that is a good idea. I suppose I should put it in for later.” she remarks, opening up the half-an-oven and putting the dish in it, opening a valve from the wooden wood stove to the oven. “Now, if you don’t mind, let’s go back to the main room. I believe your friends have wandered over here.” Granny Pie shifts again, this time into a massive cat of some kind, still striped and zig-zagged, and patterned however.

I do as I’m asked and head back to the main room, sitting down next to Pinkie.

She leans towards me, being as warm and snuggly as ever. Granny Pie smiles at the action, laughing quietly. “Well, I do wish that was a thing that hadn’t already not happened. There’s too little of too much of what you two almost had to not do.” she pauses, thinking over her own words for a second. “Hmm, that was a weird way to say things!” I couldn’t agree more.

Granny Pie tilts her head, looking at the clocks. “Ah, perfect! Right on time they failed to be! Almost an hour past the minute, in fact.” At exactly that moment, I hear a knocking on the door.

“Who is it?” Granny Pie asks, grinning widely, as the cat from the kitchen walks into the room, sniffing at Pinkie.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle!”

Granny Pie nods. “I ask again, who goes there?” She winks at me.

“I am Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight’s sounding a bit upset.

“Once more I ask, who knocks?”

“I am Twilight Sparkle, darnit!” Granny Pie pauses for a moment.

“Now just a minute, I thought you said you were just Twilight Sparkle?”

“I am!”

“That’s entirely up for debate.”

I hold back my laughter, Pinkie and Granny Pie doing the same as I hear Twilight growling and snarling outside in frustration. I can also hear Cadence laughing, through the door. Before Twilight can do anything more, the door swings open, and I can see her scowling face sweep the room. She growls again before entering.

I walk over and, holding back a laugh, I greet her. “Twilight! What a surprise!”

She gives me a look that, if looks could kill, would have vaporized me and the surrounding landscape. She glances around, before her eyes settle on Granny Pie, currently a pony again, though this time looking like a pegasus.

Twilight’s eyes go wide, and she clings to me, face in my chest. “Aaah! Anthony, look out, a Boojum!”

chapter 31

I look at Twilight. “Hey, is that any way to treat our host, Twilight? I thought you were a nice pony!”

Twilight just covers her face with, well me, and screams in what can only be abject terror.

Granny Pie rolls her eyes, of which she now has dozens. “Pfft, I haven’t done any good Boojum work in decades, weeks even.” I look over at her, and see that she’s now a giant insect of some kind, and petting the cat from earlier.

“Come on Twilight, what were you expecting? A Snark?”

“Technically, dear, I am a snark.” Granny Pie points out.

Huh, as I recall, Boojum pretended to be Snarks... huh, oh well. “That doesn’t matter. Come on Twi, you’re a grown mare, stop acting like that, just be glad you haven’t insulted Granny Pie.” I peel Twilight off of me and drop her onto the floor, making sure she at least lands on her feet. “And watch out for the egg timers, you wouldn’t want to ruin their reunion either, would you?”

Twilight just sort of gibbers incoherently, and Cadence rolls her eyes, levitating Twilight into one of the plush chairs.

“Actually,” Granny Pie states, “I am rather insulted, but pay that no mind, you’ve only got one and none to share.” I’m not sure if I’m insulted by that or not. Technically I do have just one mind.

Cadence just laughs. “Oh, I forgot how fun it is speaking in Wunderland. Oh, Mrs. Pie, if you-”

Granny Pie holds up a hoof, looking like an alicorn as well, but of some madness or another. “Now now, ‘mrs.’ is my godmother’s name. I’m Preamble Pie, if you’re going by first names.”

Cadence seems to have lost her train of thought. I feel compelled to offer to help her find it... she’s right, Wunderland is awesome! I look over at Twilight. I feel like she might be a bit over her head here. She’s having a bit of trouble transitioning, which means I can say just about anything now.

Twilight twitches violently, then relaxes. “I am most sorry for being so rude to you, madam, and I hope that you might forgive me.”

Granny Pie scoffs. “Well, it’s better than nothing, I suppose.” A loud ding echoes from the kitchen, and Granny Pie stands up, turning into a vaguely anthropomorphic giraffe in the process. She steps quickly to the kitchen, and comes back with the casserole dish from earlier, the top covered with foil, but steaming slightly.

“Ah, here we are! I’m afraid you haven’t said much, Cadence, so your serving’s a little light, but it should be good anyways.”

Cadence titters. “Don’t worry, I’m on a diet. A light meal is better for me anyways.”

Granny Pie nods, scooping something from the casserole dish, and pours directly onto Cadence... some light? A rainbow burst of color flows like a liquid towards Cadence before splitting off in every direction. Oh, a ‘light meal’. Cadence looks a little disappointed, as well.

“I’m not sure how much I’m going to get, I’ve been rather talkative. I’d hate to be given too much.” I say, starting to catch on.

“Well, if you’re sure.” Granny Pie says, handing me a bowl and spooning out a... pile of letters? My other guess was right, I was about to literally eat my own words. Hah, called it! Shrugging, I take a spoonful and it is pulled up in sentences, acting like noodles, even though the letters aren’t connected. It’s like alphabet ramen! I take a spoonful of the stuff and put it in my mouth, wondering what it would taste like.

I nearly can’t tell I’ve eaten it, and it’s really kind of bland. Every now and then, there’s something that tastes good, but it’s not as tasty as I’d thought sometimes.

Twilight begins gibbering again, while Pinkie is handed a small plate, with a donut on it, her two sentences on the top in icing. I have the strong feeling she was gaming me for everything I got.

Finally, after everyone had eaten, Twilight not liking hers for how hot it was, Granny Pie handed out dessert. It was a bunch of words, bunched up and sort of like cookies.

The first one I picked up said, ‘THERE’S NO REASON TO WORRY, I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING’. Huh. I feel like I should expect the next one to say ‘HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS’ but that’s just a guess.

I look down at the plate, and see Twilight pick up exactly the one I was expecting. Well, now, this should be interesting. I take a bit of my own cookie, finding it quite palatable and easy to swallow. I take another bite, not knowing whether I should expect the same or different. Both were just as likely. How it happens is that it’s just as tasty and easy to down as the first bite, if not easier.

I glance over and see Cadence politely refusing the dish, and I get a good look at the dish from a different angle than before, revealing that the dish full of word-cookies is only half there, many of the cookies sticking off into empty space, some only hanging in there by chance or a well-hooked J or C.

Granny Pie looks at me. “It’s pretty good, right? Such lovely notions, too bad they’re only half-done. Still, I only had enough for a half bakery, so no full ideas.” Oh god, I just swallowed a half-baked idea.

But then, so did Twilight. Hah, this should be interesting. “So Twilight,” I ask. “What’s on your mind... figuratively?” Yeah, I think I know how to get this to work out right.

“Well, I’ve got something, but it’d be easier to show you than tell you.” Twilight levitates her plate towards me. “Here, hold my food, and watch this.”

I grin widely and take it. This will be awesome!

Twilight stands on the edge of the table, and Cadence looks up, worry on her face. Twilight, through sheer dint of skill, balances herself wobbily on one hoof, determination on her face as she begins charging a spell. Then, she falls over, and would have cracked her head open if Cadence hadn’t caught her.

Ha, half-baked indeed. I am never going to let Twi live this down. I’m just laughing and I finish off my cookie. I know what I’m doing, no reason for me to worry.

Chuckles aside, though, we all relax on the couches, and the cat even comes over, and lays on my lap.

“Hello there.” I say to the cat. “Do you mind if I pet you?”

“I was rather counting on it, actually. Now would you get to work?” Definitely an actual cat, then.

“Very well then. I’m told I’m good with my fingers.” I begin petting the cat, and turn to Twilight. “So, how are you enjoying Wunderland, Twi?”

“I think I had an aneurysm, but that’s not important.” Twilight’s mane spontaneously wigs out, strands springing in every direction. “Once we actually leave tomorrow morning, I can start researching everything. Oh, it’s going to be so much fun!”

“Research is fine, but don’t forget to experience things as well.”

“How could I forget? You need to experience the paperwork to make it work! It makes sense, because we’re in Wunderland!” I think Twilight broke. Crap. Oh well, I’ll try and fix her, but first I might need to find the pieces.

I turn to Cadence. “You know we’ve already eaten, you don’t have to stay quiet.”

Cadence shrugs. “I’m not that talkative, really. Just when there’s something I want to talk about.” I look over, and see that there’s a big bite taken out of a cookie labeled, ‘IT’S PROBABLY BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AT ALL’.

I check to see what sort of cookie Pinkie got. She’s gnawing gently on one that says, ‘SILENCE IS GOLDEN. DUCT TAPE IS SILVER. I HAVE ONE AND CAN MAKE THE OTHER’. I’m not sure what to think about that. For the time being, I just decide to sit and pet the cat. Then something occurs to me. I can ask a question. “So what do cats think about all day?”

“Well, I suppose it depends on the cat. I, personally, imagine every way I can brutally murder my owner.” The cat pauses for a moment. “After num-nums, of course.” Yup, that sounds like a cat all right. I sigh and return to my petting, wondering what will happen next.

After an hour of conversation, both confusion and not, we’re finally too tired to go anywhere, and end up passing out on the chairs, Twilight being the only one who protested. Seems she’s still afraid of the Boojum that is Pinkie’s grandma. I can’t imagine someone feeling skeptical after they just got free food. I feel like I need to help Twilight adjust... tomorrow... maybe.

I wake up and I see I’m still in the chair, though my current surroundings aren’t granted to be the same as when I fell asleep, this being Wunderland, so once I rub the sleep from my eyes I take a look around and I see that the room is... gone. In fact, I’m rather alone now, sitting in a very comfy chair in the midst of a jungle with bright, cheerfully colored plants.

I don’t trust any of them.

A tall, tall tree with blue bark and blue vines is the most vivid piece of color, but there’s a small bed of flowers nearby, all of them a tall as my waist. There’s all sorts of bushes, plants, and other things leaving me with no obvious way out of the clearing.

I don’t really have much to do. I’m lost and I don’t want to just wander off. Who knows what will happen? So I call out for Pinkie, Twilight and Cadence, hoping they are somewhere nearby.

A gentle chirping, something moving in the jungle, and various animal noises are all that answers me. A quiet tittering sound, almost exactly what I’d imagine fancy noble-ladies ‘politely’ laughing at someone would sound like, comes from the clearing. Not really knowing what to expect, I just decide to check it out. After a few moments of walking, I realize the sound isn’t changing in volume. Then I realize it’s the flowers around me. Sure, laughing flowers, because why the fuck not?

“What’s so funny?” The ‘polite’ tittering only gets more prevalent, and I look at the bed of waist-high flowers. It looks like they’re all looking inwards, towards... something, I’m not sure. I try to crane my neck to see what they’re ‘looking’ at.

Leaning over the flowers causes them to notice me, gasping and leaning away from me as I loom over them. In their midst is... Twilight. She’s about an inch and a half tall, and has a couple of bleeding cuts on her. She also looks terrified.

Very very carefully I pick her up. I’m not sure how the shrinking affected her hearing, so I decide I’d whisper. Geez, she is really tiny! “Twilight, what happened? Well, aside from the obvious answer ‘you shrunk’ that is.”

She moves her mouth, and gesticulates wildly, but I can’t hear a thing from her, even though she’s no more than four inches in front of me.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you. You are really tiny.” I whisper. I need to think of something. “Geez, I still wish I could shrink. Uh... here.” I try to hold her up to my ear, this is certainly becoming an interesting adventure.

As clear as if she was normal sized, I hear her talk into my ear, and I can feel her teeny hooves on my ear. “Why are you whispering, Anthony? I can hear you just fine! Also, we need to get away from those flowers, they attacked me! They said I was a rat...” She sounds really put out.

I stop whispering. “Well, pardon me, sorry for not knowing if the possibility of my voice at it’s normal volume could have shattered your now tiny eardrums. Guess I shouldn’t be so considerate in the future.” I snark as I wade my way through the flowers.

I can almost hear Twilight rolling her eyes. “Oh come on, Anthony, you can’t get ear damage from loud noises. That’s just ridiculous!”

I hold her up to my face, looking into her teeny little eyes. “Wanna prove that? I’m willing to bet at this point, me clapping or just yelling would hurt your ears. Again, it happens to humans.”

Twilight gives me a micro-sized look of incredulity. “Well, then maybe humans are more fragile than ponies! Because pegasi regularly deal with sonic booms and thunderclaps, and those would be louder, mathematically, than you clapping right now would be.”

“Yeah, you think our mortality rate would be so high if we were all super tough? We die from some really stupid things. We aren’t that amazing.”

“Well, then, take my word for it - the only thing that causes damage to eardrums is physical violence. It’s not like sound is a physical force or anything, it’s magical!”

I decide to explain the vibration of air molecules for later, instead I take another approach. “And we all know that magic can’t possibly be dangerous.”

“Only battlemagic and wild magics are dangerous, unless seriously mishandled!” Heh, her voice is so whispery like this.

“So anyway, we should probably find a way to get you back to normal, or heal your wounds. Not sure which is more pressing, honestly.”

I feel something tap me on the leg, gently. I look down and see that one of the flowers is trying to get my attention. It appears to be a poppy, and is only as tall as my knee. “Uhm, mister, why are you talking to a rat?” it asks.

“Because you never know what you could learn from a rat. I’m sure that they might have interesting things to talk about.” I completely avoid mentioning the fact that Twilight isn’t a rat, and this visibly annoys her.

The little flower looks thoughtful, but the larger ones titter again.

“So, why were you attacking her?”

The other flowers gasp, sounding offended. “We were just defending our roots! Everyone knows rats will hurt some poor flower if they get the chance.” I notice that most of the flowers are tall, dense roses, covered in very long thorns. That explains Twilight’s injuries...

“So I assume you have nothing to do with her size? She’s supposed to be much bigger.” I give Twilight a sideways glance. “Though not by too much.”

The flowers titter again, something that is starting to get very annoying. “Well, she was here, and that size when she showed up here. If she gets any fatter though, you’ll want to get a new rat.” The rose, with its face-shaped arrangement of petals, put its ‘nose’ in the air.

“Yeah, doesn’t get much exercise, this one, that happens when you spend all day reading.” I’m having a ton of fun at Twilight’s expense. “Anyway, you nice flowers wouldn’t happen to know how we could fix this, would you?”

The flowers all tittered again. The little poppy spoke up, however. “You could go see the caterpillar.” The other flowers immediately hushed the little one. Ah herbivores. Suddenly a lot more violent when the plants talk.

“Well, do you know where I could find the caterpillar?”

The flowers all shot angry-looking glares at the poppy. The largest rosebush, near the edge of the flower bed, harumphed. “If you want to go see that slovenly, gluttonous borrre, then simply follow the widderrrshins path until the forrrk in the road. Perrrhaps you could bathe your rrrat while you’re at it, the little vermin smells of fleas.” She was trying really hard to make her R-rolling to sound regal.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t doubt it, fur and all. Anyhow, I’m not terribly familiar with the area. If you could point me in the right direction, my rat and I will be on our way.”

The large rosebush pointed imperiously with a thorny, yet graceful leaf, by and large very different than the roses I’ve seen before... ever. Either way, the path was very clearly visible, now that it had been pointed out.

“It’s rrright beforrre the Chessboarrrd.” she snaps, before rotating in place, and sniffing imperiously. The rest of the flowers do the same, minus the nice little poppy.

“Okay, thank you. I will be on my way then.” I start walking but then a thought occurs to me. I need somewhere safe to put Twilight, so I drop her into my chest pocket earning a tiny “Hey!” before I couldn’t hear anything else from her.

I look down to make sure she’s physically alright, and see that she’s popped her little head out of the top of my pocket, using her forehooves to grip the edge of the pocket. I repress a chuckle that likely would’ve rattled her brains.

“So, you don’t remember anything? Well, what do you remember?” I ask as I walk along the path that the rose indicated.

“Well, we went to sleep last night, and then I woke up, really tiny! I had to run away from a cat with purple and blue stripes on it, and then I wandered into the flowerbed. They asked me what kind of flower I was! I’m not a flower, and I told them so. Then, they thought I was a rat! Really, a rat? Hmmph, I’m more in the shape and size for something like a mouse, not a rat!” Twilight kept talking, ranting about how unfair the comparison was, and that she’d been called fat as if it was an insult, something I was a little interested in. After all, I can’t tell what’s supposed to be ‘attractive’ as far as mares go, so I don’t know if slim or thick is more preferred. Other than that, there’s not much more to her speech than indignity.

“Cat with purple stripes, huh? Well, I suppose that could be a Cheshire Cat, though they do have a tendency to alter their shape and color. Anyhow, you say you were tiny before you met him, or you woke up tiny and it was there already?”

The tiny Twilight nodded her head. “I was tiny when I woke up. The cat was a little ways away from me.”

“Well, it seems you’ve been pranked by a Cheshire Cat. Welcome to Wunderland, where science is useless and pretty much everything wants to screw with you or kill you.”

Twilight scrunched down a little in my pocket.

“What’s wrong, Twi? Earlier, you were ecstatic about getting to come here. You didn’t read all those books and think ‘that won’t happen to me’ did you?”

Twilight shook her head. “My magic isn’t working. I didn’t know my magic wouldn’t work.”

“Well, since Wunderland is such a weird, reality-bending place, I expected magic to not work. Seriously, why would you think anything would act normal here?”

Twilight looked back up at me, her tiny head against my chest. “But the books never said anything about magic not working! There’s plenty of unicorns who’ve come through and it worked just fine for them!”

“Twilight, this is Wunderland! You want some advice? Fine, here it is. Fuck logic! There. That’s it. Just forget logic exists. Nothing here follows the rules for each other. What makes you think outsiders would be treated any different?”

“But- but the books-” Twilight looks utterly betrayed.

“Books aren’t perfect. One pers- pony’s experience may be different from another’s. That works octo-quintuple for Wunderland.”

I can barely hear Twilight sniffle. “But the books never lied before...”

“There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there. Let this be a lesson: not everything that gets written and published is absolute fact. Authors and scholars get stuff wrong. Don’t act like you’ve never screwed up.” I pause. “And if you do, I can offer a few examples.”

Twilight just slid into my pocket, hiding from the world. I sigh. She is far too trusting of those books. I mean, I love books too, granted not to the same extent. But I still don’t believe everything.

“Books shouldn’t be used for absolute facts, merely guidelines. There’s always going to be times where something happens and something you read doesn’t apply. Just because someone says something and it gets into a book doesn’t mean it should be followed blindly. Too much trust ends up with you shrunk and attacked by flowers.”

There’s no response from my pocket. I look up and I notice the fork in the road. I think about how I’d go about contacting the caterpillar. Where would I find him?

While I’m thinking, I notice a puff of silver fur in the edge of my vision, and I look up to see that there’s a large, happy-looking cat with royal purple and silver stripes in its coat. The cat is smiling at me. Wait, not stripes, it’s a spiral of silver and purple staring at its nose and whirling back towards the tip of its tail.

“Ah, hello there. I suppose you have some trick or such planned for me to use for your amusement?”

The cat rolls over on the branches, exposing its belly. “Now why, my dear, would I ever do that?” The cat’s voice is feminine, like a mother’s. “Not all of us are tricksters and cheats. That’s stereotyping. Also, that’s a stereo, typing.” The cat pointed towards the side of the road, where a small stereo sat, happily hammering away on a typewriter. It had tiny metal fists and was literally punching the keys.

“Indeed it is. As for my assumption, it was merely based on the fact that if I had similar abilities, that’s exactly what I would do all day. Anyhow, I’m looking for a caterpillar, and was told to look around here.”

“A caterpillar? Why he’s a good friend of mine! I’ve known him almost an hour.” the cat rolls over again, and the silver parts of her fur begin to vanish, spiralling up her tail towards her head. The purple stripe collapses into a pile of ribbons. The smile and eyes float towards me. “So, whatcha need the caterpillar for?”

“My friend here has run into a bit of trouble. I was told the caterpillar could help her.” I pull Twilight out of my pocket and hold her up. “She’s supposed to be bigger.”

Twilight glares up at me. The cat face drifts closer, and Twilight sees it. She begins screaming, though this doesn’t deter the cat. Probably because I’m holding her rather closer to me, and I can barely hear the shrieking.

“Well, now, a tiny pony! Well, I suppose that’s a bit of an oddity, but perhaps it’s not her who shrunk? Maybe it’s you who’s bigger!” The cat remarks, looking at me again.

“Well, that is certainly possible, maybe I should look into that. Would the caterpillar be able to help us out?”

“Hmm... I’m sure he would. Tell me, though, what’s in it for me if I help you find him?” she asks coyly.

I think for a moment. “You could have...” I have no idea, really. What could the cat get? “The joy of helping out a pair of strangers?”

The cat thinks about it for a moment. “Well, it’s something new, at least, but I expect delivery promptly, understand?” she states, voice giving no room for argument. “Now first, I think you need to be a little less conspicuous.”

And with that, she springs forward, fully formed once more, and rakes her claws across my face. Instantly, a strange, unpleasant tingling begins to spread from the clawmarks, and everything seems to get a little bit clearer to see, except for myself. I seem to have turned partially invisible. And by ‘partially’, I mean, there’s stripes of me that just aren’t visible at all, and the rest is semi-transparent, a bit like my Stellar forms, but more so, but without the glowing.

The cat begins licking her paws. “There, consider it a gift... stranger. Now, follow me, and don’t stray. I’ll lead you around the chessboard, else you’d be bound to its rules.”

“I might be up for a game of chess...” I muse. “But I agree we should see the caterpillar first. Thank you by the way, I appreciate my gift.” I say, honestly. I look pretty neat, like some sort of higher being that mortals couldn’t comprehend. My subconscious gives an evil laugh and I chuckle light-heartedly, both of my ‘minds’ enjoying the idea in different ways.

The cat simply begins walking away, heading into the underbrush, and I scramble to keep up. And just as a note, keeping up with a cat that’s trying to move through thick forest is really hard, even outside of Wunderland. Perhaps if I got the cat talking, she’d slow down to let me catch up. But in Wunderland that might make things more difficult so I just keep my pace in silence, following the cat, though one question comes to mind that I have to ask.

“How many Cheshire Cats are there around Wunderland?”

“Enough of us.” she answers quickly.

“So what do you do if you don’t conform to the stereotype?” I ask, realising I decided not to ask questions but find myself doing so anyways. Eh, stranger stuff has happened today. Or has it been only a week? Maybe a minute? I love Wunderland physics though my inner scientist is trying to commit suicide.

“Whatever I want; I am a cat, after all.” she says, slipping into a log and coming out the other side a moment later. The log is solid.

“And is there such a thing as a Cheshire Dog?”

“Don’t be vulgar!” she snaps.

“I apologize.” I reply a bit wary. “I didn’t mean to offend. So how do you know the Caterpillar? You said you’ve known him for an hour?”

“Indeed. I met him and we spoke, and he gave me food. Ergo, he is my friend.”

Definitely a cat... “And he lives this far into the forest? What did he feed you?”

“An inquisitive bird that was bothering him. Some sort of raven, I believe, attempting to write a book.”

“A raven at a writing desk?” I ask, recalling the Mad Hatter’s famous riddle. “Interesting.”

“Precisely. And tasty.”

“And what was his book about? Or did you not read it?”

“I’m a cat, not a scholar.” We eventually come to a clearing that is... well, just a clearing in a forest. If there’s anything odd about it I haven’t noticed it yet. “The Caterpillar lives here.” The cat says.

“Thank you.” I say, “You were very informative.”

“I’m very useful.” she says. “Well, I have taken you to the caterpillar... hmm, yes, you’ve paid in full. I will see you later human. You will not see me.” she says, and the eerie, unpleasant tingling sensation recedes from my limbs and body, until all I feel is blood trickling down my face.

Oh, right, she scrat-AAAAUGH that hurts! I try to bear the stinging, but it doesn’t go away. Eventually though, the tingle of pain lessens and it feels like the scratches have stopped bleeding, though I do feel rather lightheaded. With a sigh and a rub of one of the cuts on my arm, I begin searching for the caterpillar. “Mister Caterpillar, are you here?”

“Indeed I am.” a voice calls, and a quick investigation prompts me to look up. Center of the clearing, and about eight feet up, is a plant hung in midair by thin strands of purple silk, and a little purple caterpillar is seated, upside-down, on a leaf. “The question is... are you really here?”

“That depends on what you mean by ‘here’.” I reply. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’m not dreaming , and if this is all a dream and said I was here that would be both correct and not, wouldn’t it?”

“Quite. Now, for what reason have you come calling?” the caterpillar asks, letting loose a plume of violet smoke that drifts slowly down to the ground, forming shapes as it goes, all geometric and hard-edged.

“Well, either I’ve grown gigantic, or my friend...” I fish Twilight out of my pocket. “Has become very, very small. Would you be able to help in either case?”

“I’m sure I would.” he says, nodding sagely and letting another plume of smoke drift down, the first set settling in like little building blocks made for a mathematician’s child.

“Making my friend larger. Or me smaller. We’re still not sure who is the right size.”

“I am not the right size!” Twilight ‘screams’ from my palm. “Please fix this, I don’t like being so small!”

“Ah, I suppose I could try... bring her here, and I will examine her.” the caterpillar says.

I take Twilight and gently lay her down on a leaf next to the caterpillar’s, who is much less afraid of the situation than Twi. “Calm down, he’s going to make you big again, stop freaking out at every little thing.”

“Maybe it would be easier if I hadn’t been stuffed into a pocket and bounced around with every step you took then smelling what I can only describe as an entire river’s worth of blood!”

“You wanted to come, so we brought you. Did you seriously think that all of Wunderland’s randomness wouldn’t apply to you?” Twilight doesn’t respond, just inching closer to the caterpillar’s leaf.

“Please fix me...”

“Hmm... oh my... oh yes... how interesting.” the caterpillar says, turning his little head this way and that. Now that I’m closer, I can honestly say that mixing humanoid and caterpillar bodyparts isn’t nearly as appealing to look at as Disney made it out to be. That’s clearly a human mouth... and clearly insect eyes. Tiny little hands on six little legs... and the body is slightly hair, but not completely, like a rat’s tail.

“Wh- what’s interesting?” Twilight asks in her tiny voice. Man she’s so quiet from here, she could give Fluttershy a run for her money.

“Hmm? Oh, this smoke is changing flavors.” the caterpillar replies, puffing out another breath. Y’know, now that I’m here, I can also see that he’s smoking from a tiny gold and brass hookah, also upside down next to him.

“That is interesting.” I admit. “But what about Twilight?” The sooner she’s bigger the less complaining I will hear, hopefully.

“Oh, yes, it seems she’s been cursed. But more importantly, my smoke’s changed flavors! It oughtn’t do that, it’s very rude! I was enjoying that flavor.”

“Cursed!?” Twilight squeaks. “By who? How? When!? Can you undo it?”

“I suppose I could... if I had my smoke working right... y’know what? Get me some new smoke and I’ll change her back. Fair trade and whatnot.” he begins muttering something that sounds like obscenities, and begins shaking the hookah violently, little blots of some kind of ash or dust falling up into the sky.

“Alright, I think that’s fair. Do you know where we may find more smoke?” I ask, reaching out to pick up Twilight again.

“Wait! Why not change me back first? It would be easier to get the smoke with my help, right?”

“Ehhhhh, maybe.” I say, shrugging. “You’re at least easier to move around when you’re this small.”

“B- but... I... Ohhhh...”

I drop her back into my shirt pocket, rather enjoying the fact that Twilight is so helpless. It’s a big change from her usual insistence that she can handle anything Wunderland might throw at her. “Now, where can we find you more smoke, mister caterpillar?” I repeat.

“Obviously, you find smokey things. I have no idea, I’m not Yellow. I don’t find things, I fix things.”

“And would Yellow be able to help us?” I ask. “If so, where may we find Yellow?”

“Probably smoking in his glade.” he replies, a touch snappishly.

“Could you direct me to where his glade is then?”

“Opposite the direction it isn’t.” the little purple bug says, unhelpfully. Jeez... he really can’t find things, can he?

“Thanks... I think.” I reply lamely as I decide to just search the forest and try to find someone else who might be able to help.

I head into the dark forest, and quickly find that I’m lost, trees in strange colors and bushes laden with strange fruit everywhere. I trip and stumble over roots and low shrubs, and feel branches scratch at my face, brambles catching on my legs.

Then, almost jarringly, it all stops. The trees are all spaced apart, and the canopy is much higher, black bark and gnarled limbs reaching high to form a roof of off-green leaves far above. As well, the general forest noises ended as abruptly as the undergrowth, and a primal part of my brain begins clamoring that there’s danger afoot.

Turning around is no use, either, as it only shows more of this strange, dark wood in the other direction, the forest floored with dead, dry leaves and half-hidden loops of black roots. Even the wind has stilled, but the temperature seems to have dropped anyways, chilling me.

I reach for my Vorpal blade, ready to draw it at the first sign of anything dangerous. I Spark Up and enter my Heat form to combat the cold, but I’m still chilled even through that. This isn’t ordinary cold.

A lone ‘k-caw!’ echoes through the forest, muffled, yet crisp, and seemingly coming from every direction at once.

“Hello?” I ask in no particular direction, checking to see if whatever made that noise is verbal or not.

“Hello?” a scratchy voice calls back, sounding closer than the cawing. Hard to tell if it’s responding or just mimicking me, really. Might as well test it again.

“Where can I find Yellow?”

“Yellow!” the voice calls, sounding much closer than the ‘hello’.

“Show yourself.” I call, trying to determine the direction. I feel something vibrate against my chest, and realize that Twilight is shivering, likely afraid as I am.

“Self!” the voice yells, right behind me. I swivel around and draw the Vorpal Blade. The book said it would automatically go for the neck. Or did that only count for Jabberwocks? I can’t remember, but it’s too late now, the sword is drawn and that means it’s on the ‘hunt’ for a target. It jerks itself out of my hand, and flies towards a large, black poof of feathers, a wickedly-sharp yellow beak with the rusty-brown of dried blood, and three equally-wicked-looking clawed bird feet, flying past it before zipping back and snapping home in the sheathe at my side.

The sound, as it flew, sounds like ‘Ker-snick-ka-snak’ and the bird-thing slams into the forest floor instead of me, beaked head tumbling free. The blade at my side gives a pleased-sounding hum.

“Was that...?” I think out loud. “Was that a Jubjub bird?”

Twilight peeks her head out. “I’m not sure. From what I read I imagined them to be smaller. And skinnier.”

“But it could be, right?”

Twilight just gives a shrug of ‘I don’t know’ and ducks back into the pocket.

“Bird!” a distant cry sounds, echoing through the woods to mask its direction.

Another, slightly different voice calls, “Right!”

I have a feeling the Vorpal blade isn’t fast enough to take out more than one creature at a time. I also can’t use my form’s powers without burning or frying Twilight. Well, I have my saddlebag of coal to use. I fashion a buckler out of coal, much like the one I demonstrated for the princesses.

Looking around, I wait for another call, or the sound of movement, but nothing disturbs the silence of the forest.

“They only make sound when they mimic us.” I say aloud, to hopefully prove my theory. “So we just keep talking.”

“Us!” the sound is closer this time, as I predicted, followed by the other calling, “King!”

I keep up generic banter and conversation, the bird-like creatures repeating me and getting closer with each mimic. “Are you going to show up? Where are you?”

“Up!” “You!”

“No no.” I reply. “Up yours.” I keep my ears ‘open’ to listen to where the resulting calls will be coming from.

“No!” “Yours!” come the replies, prompting me to snicker. The birds reply by making an almost Bert and Ernie snickering sound, this time from right behind me again... and to one side.

I make a snap decision to duck, holding the buckler over my head to block a strike from above and swing the Vorpal Blade out behind me, once more pulled from my grip to fly off.

The JubJub bird slams into my buckler, two claws tightening around it and my arm, talons digging into the flesh of my inner arm, as the other dies to another snicker-snack, the live one leaning over the top with its third leg and scratching at my face with the other. I have enough scratches on my face already, don’t I, bird?!

The buckler shrinks down and becomes more angled in the middle, also growing teeth. I shove the rough bear trap into the Jubjub bird’s nearest available limb and slam it shut.

The bird’s beak opens, likely for an anguished cry, but all that comes out is a distorted version of the sound of the bird’s own leg snapping again, and it begins to drive its beak at me, aiming for my face and neck. And that beak isn’t bloodstained for show, either, it barely grazes me and slices my cheek open.

I decide to change my tactic, turning the bear trap into a circular saw and mentally command it to slice the bird’s head off at the neck while I grasp the beak in my hands and hold it as far away from my face as possible, though given the bird’s relatively small size that’s about arm’s length.

The thick ruff of feathers catches in the teeth of the saw, acting as a duller edge almost instantly, preventing it from working. And I can’t reach my knife without potentially letting the bird get closer to me than I’d like. Also, the edges of the beak are sharp enough to slice my hands as it jerks around, trying to escape, and it’s nearly strong enough to do so.

I decide to restrain it with the coal. If I can’t cut parts off, I can hold it down. With the coal dust wrapping around the bird, I let go of the beak so that a clamp can hold it shut while the rest of the coal binds around its wings and legs.

The bird struggles in silence, its wings not even making noises on the ground, and after a moment of struggling, it goes still, breathing but not moving.

I get a look at the bird and note one more strange thing. Upon closer inspection I find it has no eyes under the long, thin feathers on its head. At all. That means it’s tracking by smell or... sound. That’s why it’s not responsive, it can’t see anything in this silence.

That’s also probably why this whole forest is silent; they don’t want any distractions, and either ate everything that moved or did... something else.

That said, now that I’m privy to the creature’s hunting tendencies, I know how to use that to my advantage. I was also right that they were advancing whenever I made sound. So I just keep luring them to me and take them out as they arrive rather than letting them stalk me. I end the bird by crushing it, the bindings cinching tighter and tighter, essentially strangling the bird’s entire body.

I snap my fingers and the bird twitches, head pointing towards me so I end it the old-fashioned way, silently ordering the coal to cut off any circulation, the thing struggling as the pressure increases until a sharp crack ends its struggling for good. It still hasn’t made a single noise, and I have to wonder if, like with an owl, that’s related to its feathers.

Man, I wish I had brought a journal or something to write my discoveries in, listing them in more... sane terms. Either way, I’m learning a lot. I hear the sound of the bones cracking echo, but in a scratchy tone. Another bird has detected me, and now I’m prepared: It follows sound and sneaks up behind me, so I just keep making noise to draw it closer and finish it as I hear it get closer.

The hunted just became the hunter. My mind briefly asks what Jubjub Bird tastes like and I decide to figure that out once I’m out of here. I resume snapping my fingers every few moments and hearing the snapping echoed back to me, as usual, the distorted echo getting closer each time.

I decide to have a little fun with the bird and start humming and stopping randomly, basically playing Red Light, Green Light with it until... There! It’s within range! I spin to face it and draw my Vorpal Blade again.

*Snicker-Snack!*

And the bird is done. I risk a chuckle to myself as I enjoy my victory but... I hear my chuckle echoed three times. It’s at this point that I realize I probably should have gotten some armor like the ponies did, but for some reason it was never given. Oh well, I’ll just have to be creative.

Maybe I can trick them. I levitate a couple tiny balls of coal a few meters away from me and have them hit each-other making a light clumphing noise. I repeat that and the trio of birds begin echoing the sound. They’re tracking my bait. I grin silently to myself. I have them now.

Standing still, I watch as one of the birds comes down, settling down on a branch right above the coal spheres, cocking its head and coughing out similar noises.

Silently I turn the orbs into edged shards, like knives without handles and send them straight at the bird, the whistling sound of their rapid movement being echoed by the bird until its neck is pierced and the sound is distorted further before being cut off.

The other two birds haven’t made a noise, even as the one I saw topples without a sound to the forest floor. Again, I have to muse on how silent they are. It didn’t even make an impact noise.

Those must be some very soft feathers, or it’s some Wunderland physics at work... but now that I can hunt these birds effectively I decide to inspect them once I’m done here. I take a step towards the newly-fallen bird. Getting closer, I note that, with it’s size and the direct angle of my attack, I haven’t damaged its coat. If it really is as soft as I imagine, this kill could be sold for quite a pretty penny. I step forward, a stick cracking under my feet and-

“Gah!” I let out a cry as I feel a beak slam into the area between my shoulder blades, the bird having not wasted time with waiting for another sound. My cry alerts the other bird and it does the same, grazing my shoulder from my current position, hands and knees on the forest floor.

I’d underestimated their daring, expecting them to be more cautious. I hold in pained groans as I do my best to rub my back, assessing the damage. I see rather than hear one of the birds landing just in front of my face... but looking away from me, head jerking around to try locating me.

I mentally take a deep breath, fearing if I do the action for real I’d lose an eye. Once slightly calmer I slowly, very slowly reach for the vorpal blade at my side. I pause. If I do that, the noise the blade makes will give me away to the other bird and I don’t know where that one’s coming from.

Now with one hand frozen to my hip, I start wracking my brain. I could use coal, but that’s completely silent for the most part, and that means the last bird will be even more cautious, luring it out flawlessly no longer being an option.

I decide that that would be best, despite the drawbacks, and choke out the bird with another coal garrote. Once more, it’s silent and absolutely deadly, dropping the bird bonelessly and soundless to the ground. I close my eyes and decide to try playing their game, listening for any sounds... but just like all the others, this bird is completely silent. I carefully reach around and find a stick. Only got one chance at this. I snap the twig and roll, taking a beak in the side as I roll, obviously making plenty of noise, but I’m at least back to my feet. I reform the coal into balls and clack them, but nothing. It learned that this sound is a trap...

Hmmm... we seem to be at a stalemate, me unable to make any ‘safe’ noises, and the bird far too wary to make any mistakes. I just stare into the darkness, my ears open for any sort of noise. I hear nothing but my own heartbeat and the only thing that assures me that the bird can’t hear it is that I’m not being attacked.

A spark of inspiration hits me, and I form a pair of shoe-shapes from coal, and set them a few feet from me, making them ‘step’ on a twig. A flurry of dark feathers and a croaked-out ‘crack’ to match the twig’s demise blows past me, knocking me over as the bird strikes at where I would be if I had actually been standing there, and two bear-traps formed of the ‘shoes’ snags the bird by its wings, and it makes feeble recreations of the sounds of its wings breaking in numerous places. It hops in place on its three legs, awkwardly looking around for me, a blue-green blood dripping from where its wings are shattered, the dripping making soft pit-pat noises that seem to be confusing the bird.

I stand up, breaking another twig by accident and flinch but no bird comes. Was that it? Had they given up? I see the bird, now wingless, attempting to turn towards the sound, forcing out a cough that sounds vaguely like the stick and I decide to just end the bird with my Vorpal blade, the snicker-snack sound would surely draw the attention of other birds if they are here. It looks around as I freeze. It keeps turning towards where its own blood is dripping onto the leaves of the dark forest floor.

I end the bird with the Vorpal Blade, and as I suspected, the noise is considered ‘safe’ by the last bird who mimics the sound. Not wasting time I simply unsheathe the sword again, in the direction of the final bird. With the last noise being one from the sword and no repetitions, I feel safe in assuming I’ve finally won. My back feels like it’s bleeding and my cat scratches have been pulled open again by the fight... but I’m alive. I sigh and look around once more... at the perfectly ‘normal’ Wunderlandian forest, not a single dark tree in sight, the various sounds in the distance very reassuring, jarring as they are after the utter silence of the dark woods... and there’s still a Jubjub bird on the ground in front of me, dead, with plenty of feathers. Y’know, I’m sure Twilight would like to study them, and I can just snag a fistful of them and tuck them in the pocket with her. They seem fluffy enough to act as packing insulation for her, keep the jostling she was complaining about to a minimum.

Shrugging, I grab a fistful and do exactly that, barely hearing her protests at the huge clumps of foot-long black feathers.

Author's Notes:

Okay, yes, I know, issues with the typeface. Apparently something is screwing up during the importing process for GDocs.

Chapter 32

I continue through the mostly-normal forest, looking for any sign of another glade where this ‘Yellow’ character might be.

Continuing along, I finally hear a muffled announcement from Twilight. “Are you sure those... things are gone?”

I shrug. “Not sure, but they seem to be leaving us alone now.” I can tell by her somewhat displeased groan, that something’s bothering her. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, I guess... I’ve just never actually seen you fight before. You... you’re kind of scary. No offense.”

“Yeah well, I’m not violent unless I feel like I need to be. Now enjoy those feathers. From what I gather they’re pretty soft, and that’s all the padding you’re getting.”

“They are rather soft... but those things were horrible. I’d never heard of a violent bird before...”

I quirk an eyebrow. “An ostrich can kick so hard it’d dislocate a lion’s jaw. You’ve just never thought about a bird being violent.”

“I have! B- besides that’s in self defense. Those things were hunting us...”

“Until I started hunting them.” I point out. “See? Still self-defense.”

“You have a pretty twisted sense of morality...” Twilight mumbles in her already quiet voice, making it hard to hear, but I do hear it.

“You have a pretty childish sense of morality. Your point?”

“Forget it, let’s just make me big again.”

“Alright, then we’re looking for Yellow, likely a different caterpillar.”

“What makes you think it’s another caterpillar?”

“Well it’s not uncommon for, in a group of similar people, to refer to another based on a defining feature, like a team red or team blue. It’s just a wild guess on my part, but it might be that this person we’re looking for is another caterpillar, but has some relation to the color yellow.”

“So... your basing a wild guess on a logical conclusion proves it! Ha!”

“Proves what, exactly?”

“You claimed insanity a few years ago but the way you explained your thought process proves you’re intelligent, and therefore that you’re sane!”

I just roll my eyes. “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, kid.”

“I am not a child!”

“Spoken like someone young enough to want to be considered older.”

“You are impossible...”

“Took you this long to figure that out? I thought you were the smart one.”

“You just say whatever garbage comes into your head, don’t you?”

I shrug in response. “I just don’t want to regret it.”

“Regret not insulting ponies?”

“In a way. I follow a belief that it’s not the things you did do that you regret, it’s the things you didn’t do, so I’m taking every opportunity I can to avoid any regret so I can die happily.”

Twilight scowls. “That is a horrible excuse for being a jerk.”

I roll my eyes. “How do you know it’s an excuse? Maybe it’s just coincidence that I hold that philosophy and it just so happens that I’m a total douchebag at the same time. Or maybe I’m a douchebag because of the philosophy and it just so happens that the first things I think of to do or say aren’t positive? Same with repressed anger, I don’t subscribe to it. I prefer to just be a pain in the ass on a daily basis than let it build up inside me until I get so mad that I hurt someone, but everyone I know has repressed rage anyways.”

“I don’t have repressed anger.” Twilight replies sternly.

“Spoken like someone with repressed rage.” I remark before going back to my searching. A tiny but angry noise erupts from my pocket, making me smirk as I continue through the underbrush.

I pause in my amused musings as I feel the ground under my foot shift. I carefully move my foot and see that there’s a thin crack running through the ground, which is more rock than soil at this point, under all the thin scrub brush giving it cover. Man, and I’d been so distracted talking to Twilight I hadn’t even noticed the transition. And looking behind me, I can see it transitioning back, unlike in the dark wood of the jubjub bird flock. I guess I should just go on, and do so, the cracks growing more numerous and joining together. Ahead, the split opens enough that I can see just beyond the trees where they’ve been divided, and it’s almost like something out of minecraft, or a surrealist landscape artist’s imagination.

There’s huge pillars of land, like skinny plateaus, dotted throughout the ever-widening chasm, with the occasional vine or fallen tree connecting them. However, some aren’t connected to anything... not even the ground below them. They’re just sitting there, with exactly zero fucks given about certain fundamental laws of gravity and the like.

The trees are more palm-like here, likely to conserve space on the little crowded islands of stone and earth, and I’d turn away if I didn’t catch a glimpse of a long strand of yellow stretched across the chasm and leading off across it. Seems we have to get across some of the islands if we’re going to follow it. Strangely, some of the trees and the like are growing at odd angles, and there’s a couple of trees quite clearly planted upside-down, leaves on the ground and roots in the air. If they were baobabs, I could understand that, as the tree’s named that because they look upside down, but these are palms trees!

“And I’m willing to bet your magic is still on the fritz and you can’t teleport us across.” I say, getting Twilight to peek out of the pocket again, to look at the area.

“Those trees are upside-down... Why are they upside-down?”

“Because Wunderland, now think of a way to get us across.”

“Uh... well, how good are you at climbing?” she asks.

“Pretty good, as long as it’s not a sheer climb up. I can’t do it without a rough texture or handholds. Don’t have any climbing chalk though.”

“Climbing... chalk? Uh, that wouldn’t happen to be chalk that climbs on its own, would it?” she asks, which is potentially one of the dumbest questions I’ve ever heard, except that when I go to see where she’s looking as she asks, I see a little... thing made of chalk climbing one of the upside-down trees.

“Not what I meant, but it’ll do.” I say, grabbing the chalk and applying it to my hands, improving my grip. “See? My hands are all rough now, gives me greater amounts of friction, so I have a better grip on a wall. Helps with climbing.

The little chalk-creature flails pitifully and futily, I finally set it back on the tree, and it shakes a little limb at me, before doing a passable imitation of a british ‘fuck off’ sign.

“Well... I guess that makes sense, but- Oh fine just get to it then.”

With Twilight unable to argue whatever she was about to argue, I consider myself ready and I begin the climb. It’s fairly easy. “I just surprised ponies, a species without fingers never thought of inventing a way to temporarily increase one’s grip.”

“Oh, uhm... well, we don’t really use friction for gripping... sort of. Well, actually, we do, but we induce it via a localized thaumically charged field around the frogs of our hooves. Earth ponies develop them younger and stronger than other races, and pegasi also develop them a little in their wings, giving them the ability to grasp things with their feathers, though the physical requirements for a pegasus to move their wings like that are... well, to put it succinctly, a pegasus has to break and re-break their wings on purpose to develop pseudo-joints in their wings. It deprives them of much of their wingpower permanently, though, so it’s not a very common practice.” She pauses for a few moments. “If I remember correctly, Fluttershy did that so she can better work with her animals.”

“And unicorns are the pussies, because they use their horns for everything.” I say conversationally as I continue the climb. The more we talk, the less I think about how high up I’m going. “Well, pussies in that you’re physically weaker than kittens.” As I say that, I suddenly feel something weird as I reach for the next handhold. I go to pull down, but it feels more like I’ve hooked the edge of a table from over the top, pulling sideways, not down.

I steel my feet and hand’s grips as I search for a more... normal place to put my hand, being sure to not take any other limbs off the wall. Unfortunately, anywhere in the direction I want to go has weird directions to its gravity, and the strangely-growing vines and trees start to make sense. It almost reminds me of the gravity pranks I pulled off with Discord, but way more stable.

I take a deep breath and relax. Grabbing the most solid-feeling handhold available, I try to pull myself up but end up swinging outwards from the wall, barely keeping a one-handed grip on the stony rock face. That’s bad.

What’s good however, is that if I were to let go, there’s a palm tree literally right under my feet, growing out of the side of another pillar of stone, and I could grab it in passing with ease.

“Get ready Twi. I’m gonna jump.”

“You’re going to what!?”

I don’t reply I just hurl myself at the tree and grab it, Twilight screaming in her tiny voice.

“Never do that again!”

“Pansy. I’ve made tougher leaps on a pre-school jungle gym. When I was in pre-school.”

“Augh! You’re impossible!”

“You already said that.”

The climbing and occasional small leaps continues until I find the yellow thread again, and see that it goes into a cave, which appears to have some sort of spring in it, pouring out a stream of brown, sweet-smelling fluid.

I go up and, knowing better than to touch or drink strange liquids, especially in Wunderland, take a break before moving to inspect the thread a bit closer.

It’s a chalky yellow, and made from nearly a dozen tinier strands. And it leads into the cave, not touching any of the sides until it connects to a wall in order to make a corner turn, further into the cave. And that corner turn can’t be there, because it ought to be coming out the side of the floating island, but that’s not something I feel like worrying over right now.

I decide to keep following the thread as it’s my best lead at the moment and it honestly hasn’t steered me wrong yet so I continue to follow it, avoiding the liquid as best I can.

Every breath is heavily scented with it, and it smells so... familiar. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but I know that smell. The yellow thread leads me along slick rocks, and up the side of the round tunnel, and it seems that gravity is just ‘not towards the middle’ at this point, making it somewhat easy to walk along the walls. However, everything is strangely textured. There’s no stone anymore, it’s another material entirely, almost wood-like, and the thread is just holding still in the middle of the air, not connected to anything yet still making curves and hard turns to follow the tunnel.

After about fifteen minutes of this, I realize that the entirety of the tunnel has gotten no darker than the entrance, even though I’ve traveled a long distance. Checking behind me confirms this, and ahead is still more material. In fact, it’s some sort of buttery, off-white stone, looking a bit like melted-and-re-hardened wax that poured from the middle of the tunnel, the thread avoiding touching anything as it meanders down the way.

“Anthony?” Twilight speaks up, and I look to see that she’s peeking out of my pocket, looking worried.

“What now? You hear something?” I ask, not bothering to stop.

“N-no... something’s wrong. I can’t cast magic right now, but I can still feel it, and there’s... there’s something bad about the magic in here,” she says.

“And what’s the exact definition of ‘bad’ you’re using right now?”

“Familiar. And... not friendly. I’m sorry, it’s not something I’m used to discerning without using further spells to narrow down what kind of magic it is, or...”

“Dark magic, or what? Give me something to go on here. Familiar how?”

“Not dark magic... something I’ve only felt once, maybe twice... augh, this is going to bug me... I don’t think it’s mind magic, and it’s definitely not celestial...” she begins muttering to herself, voice too low and quiet for me to hear.

“Chaos magic?” I suggest. “We are in Wunderland after all.”

“Except there hasn’t been any chaos magic anywhere else in Wunderland. Well, except around that boojum, er, Granny Pie, but this... it’s almost like Chaos Magic, yes. But... older than Discord’s. Stronger, more... natural.”

“So whatever we’re dealing with is more adept at Chaos Magic than the literal avatar of chaos itself, and also radiates it like crazy. You realize how nuts that sounds, right?” I continue through the tunnel.

“Well... ‘Spirit of Chaos’ is just a title...” Twilight mumbles. “And wasn’t it you who said to ‘screw logic’ while in Wunderland?”

“And since when does logic apply to chaos magic? As such, the reverse is true. Chaos amidst chaos is order, just like a negative of a negative is a positive and vice-versa, so chaos magic in Wunderland would be their equivalent of Harmony magic or something similar by that line of thought, wouldn’t it? Good, Evil, Order, Chaos... it’s all subjective after all.”

“... That gives me a horrible thought.” she says.

“I bet I can think of worse things than having your precious little diagram of who’s who on the scale of ‘evil’ being flipped around.”

“No... what if Discord is like Spike? Just an infant, being raised outside his natural environment?”

I narrow my eyes. “You say that as if I haven’t already suggested Discord acting juvenile before to both you and Celestia but you just said he was insane and that’s why he’s irresponsible with his powers. Besides, if Discord was always intended to be a spirit of chaos, to represent it... then in this world of Wunderland, he’d be considered normal and as such, he’d be a negative of a negative just like my allegory before. Sorry Sparkle, but if my logic is sound, Discord is one-hundred percent Equestrian.” I pause to let it sink in. “Further on Discord being a child... keep that in mind next time you think about petrifying him... again.”

I keep walking, sighing aloud. Why do these ponies take so long to consider things I’ve already mused on or discovered?

Towards the waxy stone I travel - until I step on it, and discover it is in fact wax, dried and hardened and glistening slightly in the strange light of the tunnel.

Without much reason to really question it, I continue following the yellow thread, wondering exactly where it’s coming from. The sudden change in material passed off as just another oddity of Wunderland.

Then, without warning, I’m falling down the tunnel, which is now an immense drop, and I see a pillar of wax coming at me fast.

I could grab the thread but if it’s as wimpy as it looks, it would just snap under my weight, not to mention it would likely cut into my hands so I do the only thing I can think of: attempt to grab the wall and hold on. Failing that, I fall back on my coal and form some small gloves around my hand, covered in barbs and hooks, attempting to use them to get a better hold on the wall.

Unfortunately, the relatively soft wax of the walls simply shreds under the force of my falling combined with the velcro-glove’s blades and points, though it does slow me a bit and lets me move out of the way of the tunnel-spanning pillar. If it weren’t for the coal dust dispersing if I try moving it away from me, I could try just making a ‘cow catcher’ style piece of armor in front of me and smash through any wax obstacles with ease.

At least, that’s what I’m thinking up to the point where I exit the tunnel... back out the entrance, in spite of having never gone back at all. God-Damned Wunderland!

... wait, that means the thread is now heading out of the tunnel. And I’m rocketing along towards one of the earthen islands in this weird chasm, right where the yellow thread is anchored... in another cave. Whoopee.

The only thing that I manage to question about the situation is where I am, or at least what it’s supposed to be. Wax/stone caves? That’s just strange... and stranger still is where the thread might lead if this tunnel is any indication.

I look for something I can use to slow my now-horizontal fall, having been spit out of the tunnel and having the gravitational switch of the chasm sending me flying. Gliding really, though I will likely drop once my momentum ends and I need to come up with a landing strategy... fast. Looking all around, I reassess my velcro-hands idea, and begin to reinforce them along my arms, mostly so that if I catch something hard, I don’t tear my arms out of their sockets. Then, I reach out and try to grab the nearest vines and outcroppings of stone, this time tearing into rock and plant matter, and it still feels like I’m about to tear my arms free. My whole body shakes as I look down, the chasm floor far below... and so is the yellow thread, leading into the cave just under me as well.

I take a deep breath and focus on a way to get into that new cave safely. Dropping again is out for sure... unless... I had something to land on. It wouldn’t have to be soft, but it would have to impede me and slow me down. Or maybe something to climb down with. I could make a fireman’s pole that reaches all the way down into the cave and sliding down it. It would hurt landing on my feet or rear, but it would be preferable to just ragdolling down.

I take another deep breath and summon the rest of my coal, making a long pole and eventually realize I’d have to sacrifice my gripping gauntlets too. I’d have to grab the pole as I fall and readjust myself. Twilight takes this opportunity to look around, realizing we had temporarily stopped. Eventually she looks down and freaks out, seeing the pole and likely thinking what I am. “You... you aren’t actually going to let go and try grabbing that, are you?”

“I’ve done stupider things...” I say, not really reassuring myself. “On paper, that is.”

“Buh- You’re serious about this?”

“Get back down and brace for impact.” Is all I say, preparing to let go. I focus on the pole, and envision myself grabbing it and sliding down into the cave below. I can do this... Twilight ducks down and, judging by the ruffling I can feel, Twilight’s covering herself in the feathers for extra padding, no longer arguing.

I take a third breath and let go, I feel weightless for a bit but soon gravity catches up with me and yanks me down. I reach for the pole, fighting the almighty urge to close my eyes. Misjudging distance would be a fatal mistake right now. Swinging my arms and legs out, I do my best to increase drag for my body by distributing my weight and my hands grasp onto the pole after a few seconds, the remains of my gauntlets, now more like the chalk dust earlier, giving me a decent grip as I slide down.

I then realize a mistake I made. By grabbing onto the pole, I’ve put myself in a more thin, angled body position and I start speeding up as I glide down the pole, my hands starting to sting a bit from friction burn. ‘This is it.’ I think as the end of the pole gets closer and closer. ‘This is where I either survive or end up a pancake...’

I can even hear Twilight shrieking in her tiny voice from my pocket. Seems she’s not liking our chances any better than I am, even though it’s at least guaranteed that she’ll survive.

With a thud and a small ‘crunch’, I hit the stone floor of the cave’s lip, and sharp pains erupt in my ankles. I barely remember to roll forward and away from the drop as I collapse.

“Gha- ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha-owwwwwww.... shit.” I mumble out as I wince, holding my ankles carefully. But... “At least we’re alive.”

“I am seriously considering slapping you!” Twilight ‘yells’ angrily, sounding more like low talking.

I manage to wheeze out the word “Kinky...” before devolving back into yelps of pain and expletives.

“You’re impossi- augh!”

That doesn’t help the pain but it does lessen it a bit, laughing at Twilight’s expense being fairly decent medicine. “You need to come up with better- ow, responses.”

I sit still for a while until the pain becomes a tingle as I heal. “Wow... you really are a slow healer...”

“Shut it, this is how we deal without magic, we just have to sit and wait. And rely on our imaginations.”

“I will admit, you are... rather inventive when in strained situations. Moreso than most Pegasi at least.”

“Yeah... too bad that’s not the only requirement to receive a lantern ring.”

“A what?”

“Ask Spike... Alright, let’s get going.” I say, standing up, and doing my best to ignore the throbbing buzzing of my feet as I continue to follow the thread into this new cave.

“Hmmm... persistent, aren’t you?” a voice says from behind me, and something about it carries far more menace than any villain I’ve ever heard in TV, movies, or even from that demon that attacked Ponyville. The voice just oozes smug superiority, yet doesn’t have a trace of arrogance in it, as contradictory as that sounds.

“I’m more than just persistent...” I say, turning to face the voice.

Outside the cave is a long, serpentine-bodied creature, body so long that it’s coiled and tangled among itself. Mismatched limbs, ranging from humanoid hands to crustacean-like claws and wings sprout more or less randomly from the slowly writhing mass of continuous body. A head, shaped like a dragon’s, leers down at me with pus-colored eyes, pupils nothing more than dancing flames.

“Is that so?” the creature asks, a wide grin stretching its face. “And what else are you?”

“You get an answer after I get one. Why do I interest you enough to approach?”

“Mmm... because I was bored.” the dragon... thing says. “Now, twinkle twinkle, little star, and tell me just what you are.”

“A human, an apex predator from the potentially-former planet Earth. Now are you going to help me, leave me alone, or try to fight me?”

Twilight pops out of my pocket again to stare at the creature. “Are you... a draconequus?”

The creature looks towards Twilight and... well, it doesn’t lean in towards me, or move closer, there’s simply less distance between us very suddenly than there was before, without either of us actually moving. “There’s no such thing as a draconequus.” the creature says. “I am a Jabberwocky, or a Jabberwock, however you wish to say it.” space warps again and the distance between us is normal again. I realize I’d been holding my breath while it was closer.

“Back to my question...” I say. “What do you plan to do?”

“Talk to you, obviously. If I was planning to do something else, I’d be doing that, now wouldn’t I.” It’s not a question, just a statement of fact, in spite of the phrasing used.

“Well, I’m rather busy at the moment. We could talk later. Unless you can solve the problem we’re in.” I say, turning back to the yellow thread.

“That I could. What is your problem?”

I indicate to Twilight. “We need to make her big again, and find our friends.”

“Ah. Very interesting,” the Jabberwocky says, “Have you checked behind the couch cushions? I’ve heard that’s a place that many lost things are found.”

“Well, no, we haven’t but it’s unlikely. At least, there’s been no couches around to check. As for making Twilight bigger, can you do that?”

“I can.” it replies. “I can also turn her invisible, or you into a custard, or the sky into a firestorm that consumes the land... Oh, I can also make seagulls.” the Jabberwocky snaps an appendage, and a series of C-shaped birds appear, flying around the cave. Ah. C-gulls.

“Duly noted.” I reply, ignoring the one sound that made me dislike living near Seattle. One lands on my shoulder, and I have to resist the urge to simply barbecue it here and now, if only because burnt feathers smell awful. “So, would you make her bigger? Please?”

The ‘magic word’ seems to have no effect, and the Jabberwocky keeps talking. “I also can turn her inside out... would you like to see that? Or simply turn her orange. Mmm, no, Orange is not a good color, best keep it in the background.”

I raise my eyebrow at the creature’s opinions on color, but I do agree with it, as derailed as it is. “Well, I wouldn’t mind seeing her turned inside-out for a while.”

“What!?”

“Well I’m rather curious what your innards look like and you can’t expect me to vivisect one of you.”

“You mean dissect. Right?”

“She’s right. It’s only vivisection if they survive it. Either way, I wouldn’t need to dissect her to turn her inside out. I could just reach in and grab her tail, and yank until it flips purples-in.” A clawed, feline paw flexes menacingly in the process. Somehow, the Jabberwock is always the same distance behind me, no matter how far I go into the cave looking for Yellow, in spite of never moving.

“I wouldn’t kill someone just for the sake of discovery. Of course I meant vivisect.” I reply plainly. “Either way, as long as it’s temporary, I see no reason to not test a few things on her... after you make her big again.”

“What!?” Comes the tiny repetition.

“Hey, you got to do your little science experiments on me. Fair’s fair.”

“Oh, I see, you want her unharmed when I turn her inside out. Eh, that’s not as interesting.” the Jabberwock says. “Maybe I should do it anyways, just to see the look on your face, human-star.”

“Whatever...” I reply.

“You don’t care if I get hurt? What are you doing!?”

“I’ve seen ponies heal from grievous injury before... besides, I still want payback for the time you kicked me in the nuts. Now hush, let the grown-ups talk.”

“I am a grown-up!”

“You’re smaller than a fetus at the moment. I don’t think you’re that grown.”

“You are going to be in big trouble! Get us out of here now!”

“Who died and made you princess?” I reply, turning back to the Jabberwocky. “Just make her big again and I say you can do whatever temporary thing you want with her.”

“And if it isn’t temporary? I mean, I could, but I’d rather just see your reaction to her being inside out the hard way. Or maybe I should see what you’re like inside out? I’ve never seen a human-star inside out before. Have to say, I’m curious, it’d be new. You wouldn’t deny me a new experience would you? That’d be just mean.”

I thumb the Vorpal blade at my side. “I’d say I’m in charge because I hold the advantage here. But I’d rather be civil. Though I admit I am also curious as to what I look like. But as I said, the requirement you must meet is that Twilight is returned to her normal size. After that we may... experiment.”

“Hmm... no. You’re getting boring, and that little knife there won’t save you. Vorpal or not. I think you’d make an excellent figgy pudding though. I’ll leave your minds in, so you can feel what it’s like to be a pudding being eaten. Now that’ll be new for you and me!” The distance between us begins to vanish, neither of us moving, but space shrinking away into nothing.

I eye the creature. “I’m not one to take threats well... I hope you understand.” I say pointedly, my eyes narrow.

“Threats? I’m not making any threats.” the Jabberwock begins to open its mouth, revealing another head inside, one of a goat, who also begins opening its mouth, which is full of eerily sharp teeth, like an angler fish’s, and its voice issues from its open throat. “I’m just going to eat you.”

“Sorry buddy, humans aren’t food. There’s a reason we’re at the top of the food chain in almost any environment.” I say. “And yes, I consider a suggestion of eating me to be a threat. Now back off.”

“But won’t you grow back? Or is that not how human-stars work? Oh well, just the pony then. They make excellent snacks.” a trio of worm-like tongues begin to slide from the thing’s mouth, and I’m not entirely sure it’s actually a Jabberwocky. For one, it’s not seeming to be anything like anything in the bestiary, and it’s also not making any noises I’d call ‘burbling’.

I step back, away from the tongues. “Sorry, she’s off-limits now.” I push Twilight down into my pocket. Suddenly, the distance between us is back to normal, and the thing is speeding at me, a long tube of anger and mismatched limbs, and not nearly as long as it had looked before. My first reaction is to draw the Vorpal blade, swinging it out of its sheathe and aiming it at the creature. The weapon flies out, then hovers in mid-air, apparently confused or something, as the thing speeding at me is still going. It also seems to be sprouting more heads from inside its mouths... it’s not actually lunging, just spewing forth more length of itself at me. And its tail is getting pulled inward, like it’s tunneling through the air, not rock or dirt.

I form a pair of sawblades out of coal and toss them at the creature, aiming for the nearest mouth. The blades sing through the air as they fly and slice into the creature, which emits a noise of... agony, I suppose. Shrill, and painful to hear, the noise only worsens, as the saws cleave through a dozen yards of flesh, sending blue-green blood splattering against the walls... or maybe not blood, it’s more like pudding or half-set jell-o in viscosity.

As it’s cut, the creature attempts to turn, falling from the air and flopping to the ground, a huge amount of its damaged parts simply turning to slime and dust, and a small, worm-like creature breaks loose of the massive mess, squirming quickly for the exit of the cave. I finish off the creature’s body with the saws’ return trip, and they form a cage around the worm-thing. “And where do you think you’re going?”

It makes a harsh squealing noise, and tries to slip between the ‘bars’, still trying to escape. I simply ‘order’ the bars to become flat walls, summoning more coal from my saddlebag satchel and pick up the box of coal containing the worm-like thing. It beats weakly against the box’s walls, evidently not very strong without its meatsuit.

“I asked you a question...” I compact the box a bit, making it smaller by a few centimeters, the threat of squishing it very clear. “Where are you going?”

It makes another squealing noise. Maybe it can’t speak without the... now rotting meat? Urgh, it smells disgusting. Worse than the rancid meat I’ve smelled before, and that’s saying something. I once found liquidized meat in a Ziplock bag.

“Well, the only thing I can think of that’s fair is... since you tried to eat us, we eat you...” I say, not actually meaning but mainly to gauge the reaction, which is for the worm to begin writhing much harder within the box, still not speaking actual words.

I decide to just end the creature and let the box compress until it’s flat. I make it fast and the squealing-squelch is the last noise it makes, a thin stream of liquid being forced out of a small hole in one corner, the yellowy fluid splattering the wall.

“And that’s why humans are at the top of the goddamn food chain.” I say, pocketing the coal, Twilight peeking out at my words and seeing the fallen creature’s meatsuit, dead and rotting away.

She gasps, covers her nose and ducks back down. “Wh-what was that thing? That wasn’t a Jabberwocky, I know that much.”

“No clue, but whatever it is, isn’t going to eat us anymore. So now we go back to finding Yellow.”

“Have I mentioned you’re scary when you fight?”

“In passing, yes.” I reply, as I continue along into the cave. “But hey, friendship only works when the enemy is in the mood for it. If not, ya gotta squish ‘em. End of story.”

Twilight stays silent, not responding, and I go back to following the thread. It leads me -without wandering or random infinite tunnels this time- to a small crystal grotto, beautiful yellow gemstones growing in huge spurs from the cave walls, as if the cave is nothing more than a large geode... which isn’t out of the question. In the center is a woven hammock of sorts with a fat, yellow caterpillar resting on it.

Called it.

Stepping closer, I see that it has a series of boxes and a cigar in its mouth, letting loose thick clouds of yellow smoke that drift up a little ways, dissipating quickly, forming rounded, bubble-like formations as it rises.

I walk up to the caterpillar. “So I’ve heard you know how to... find things.”

“Hmm? Who’s there?” the Caterpillar asks, attempting to sit up, and merely managing to spin the hammock around and get himself entangled, dropping his eighth-of-an-inch-long cigar in the process. “Mother-hatching-pile-of-turgid-feces!” the caterpillar yells, very much stuck in his own furniture.

I take the hammock and carefully untangle the caterpillar. “Sorry, but we need your help.”

“Uh, who’re you?” the yellow caterpillar asks, looking up at me in confusion. “I’m sorry, I think I dropped my glasses... I can’t see a thing.” Looking down, the floor under his hammock is full of tiny cracks and crevices. I do not envy searching them for his glasses, especially since my coal-control doesn’t let me feel what it touches.

I reach into my shirt pocket and pull out Twilight. “Alright, you’re small, and can see. Help us find his glasses.” I say, putting her down on the floor.

“But... why me?” She asks, seeming afraid of being outside the safety of my pocket.

“I just said, you’re small, and can see without needing glasses. Besides, I already did all the work getting us here alive, the least you can do is contribute when you’ll be helpful.”

She grumbles, but concedes the point, beginning to search through the crystals and the cracks in the floor. Some of them are sharp enough to cut, but she seems nimble enough to get around them just fine, though there’s a few tiny purplish hairs decorating the floor now.

“So while she’s doing that...” I say, turning to the caterpillar. “I’m Anthony, I was hoping to get some help finding some smoke.”

“Smoke, eh? What kind? Gunsmoke? Smoke on the water? Smoked fish? There’s lots of smoke in the world.”

“Well, Green Caterpillar asked for some after he dropped his pipe, so I assume pipe smoke.”

“Green’s got a pipe now? Weird, I thought he still had that hookah Blue gave him...” Yellow says, looking utterly befuddled.

“Right, it was a hookah. Sorry, the way here was full of many distractions.”

“Ah, I see... or I would. If I had my glasses. I can’t see without them, y’know.” he says the last part conversationally, as if it were an interesting, unique fact, not the normal way of things.

“I understand, and I’m sure Twilight is doing her best to find them. But until then, Green said to ask you for some smoke. Do you know where some is?”

“No idea. But I could find some... if I had my-”

“Yes, if you had your glasses.” I say, indicating my annoyance.

“Oh, so you’ve heard? I can’t see anything without them.” he says, as if it’s the first time he’s said that. I’m starting to get the feeling he’s not... all there. But then this is Wunderland and all so there’s bound to be some people who aren’t all there. Literally and figuratively.

“Yes, you need your glasses, I got it. I still do. We’re just waiting on Twilight.”

“Oh? Do you know where my glasses are, then? It seems I’ve lost them...”

This is going to be a riveting conversation, I can tell. “Listen here, you little sh... *sigh* She’s looking for them now.” Jeez, he reminds me of my Great grandmother, I had to introduce myself three times to that old pile of Alzheimer’s...

“Oh, you’re looking for my glasses! I must’ve lost them, thank you.”

I swear to god, I will strangle the next puppy I see... Twilight, at the ground level, calls up, “I found them! But I can’t grab them without magic. I can show you where they are, though, make some sort of grabby thing with coal.”

I fashion a pair of tweezers and reach down next to where I see the little furry purple-thing that is Twilight and very carefully try to find the glasses. I just mumble out my displeasure with unicorns. “Why couldn’t I have gotten stuck with Pinkie...?”

“Oh, where’s Pink? I can’t see very well...” the caterpillar drones on as I get the glasses, turning the tweezers into just a ball of controllable coal wrapped around them after two failed tries to pick it up. I hand them to Yellow, and he looks around, eyes magnified by the thick-as-hell lenses, and he blinks at me. I cannot express how creepy that is from such an amalgamation of human and caterpillar features such as this. I think my soul shivered at the look. “Oh, hello there! You must be that nice fellow who put up with me a little bit ago. I’m very sorry about that, I’m no use at all without my glasses.”

“So I gathered...” I deadpan. “So... finding some smoke for Green’s hookah...”

“Oh, ‘tis easy. My apologies about rambling earlier, the glasses are enchanted to help me focus. I’m only a little while away from ascending, you know.” he then takes a deep drag off a freshly-lit cigar, and blows the biggest, foggiest yellow bubble I’ve ever seen. It’s like one of those trick bubbles people blow with cigarette smoke in them, but in a sort of unsettling gold-ish hue, until it suddenly detaches from the caterpillar, and turns clear... or, rather, into a window looking into a glade. “Ah, there it is... oh, you needn’t have come to find me. If you’d just found Purple first, you’d have found the plants that make the smoke for any of our number.”

“So we’re looking for Purple? Wait, hold on, I’m confused. How many are there?”

“Oh, there’s always six of us.” Yellow says.

“I thought the one who wanted smoke was Purple.”

I throw my arms up. “I don’t know who’s who anymore, I’m just trying to fix your problem.”

“Hmm, well, the smokeweed is grown in Purple’s grove, but I’m not at all surprised he hasn’t realized that. I may be useless without my glasses, but honestly, he’s mostly useless. Can fix anything from any world... except himself.”

“That’s the one we want!” I say loudly. “The one who can fix her. And that’s Purple. Okay, so... how do we get back to Purple from here? I got a little turned around getting here.”

Yellow gives a six-handed face-palm. “Here... just follow this thread, and you’ll get to him.” The caterpillar shows that there’s a purple strand woven into a yellow string, which leads out through a hole in the grotto wall. “Each of our places of power are connected this way.”

“Thanks.” I pick Twilight up and put her back in my shirt pocket as I begin following the thread. Wunderland is a lot more... annoying and redundant than I recall.

Keeping a hand on the smooth, silken strand, I walk out of the grotto... and directly into Purple’s grove.

...I could’ve skipped everything between here and Yellow’s grotto this way, couldn’t I have? Except, I didn’t see a Yellow thread until after the Jubjub birds, so how could I have known I was going in a huge circle. It’s those birds’ faults for pulling me into some kind of pocket dimension. And the shuffling of Twilight cozying up to the feathers in my pocket reminds me to find somewhere to get them appraised. Who knows how much they’re worth...

Anyways, I approach Purple, who looks up... down... at me, and gives a grumpy, “So, have you found the smokable plants? I’ve been waiting for far too long!”

I look around the grove for anything that looks... smokable and realize that the ‘grass’ here is more like a carpet of leafy plants. An odd variation of a type of marijuana and... some plant I’ve never seen before. I just decide to try it and grab a handful, handing it to the admittedly, purple-colored caterpillar. I had forgotten after all.

Again, I blame the birds for distracting me. He gives a disturbingly insectoid grin and grabs the leaves, stripping them from the stems and quickly stuffing them into the hookah, whole, and taking hurried puffs on it until he stops, letting loose another cloud of those purpley, geometric smoke clouds.

“We got you your weed, now can you please help fix Twilight?” I place said tiny pony on an adjacent leaf just like last time.

“Yes, yes, yes... set her above me, and hold her steady. I’ve heard this part is interesting.” he says, beginning to draw from the hookah, hard.

I move Twilight over. She’s like a fuzzy toy like this, really. But her being big is more useful so I do as Purple asks, holding Twilight steady with a finger under the leaf supporting her and one on her back.

The caterpillar lets loose a truly incredible cloud of the smoke, purple and full of easily-recognizable polyhedrons that rolls over Twilight and my hands. “Hmm... was it ‘interesting’, or ‘painful’ that the other pony said it felt like? Oh, wait, now I remember, he said it was agonizing!” Purple remarks, and my eyes go wide just as Twilight begins to scream in pain and writhe in my grip.

However, for whatever reason, my hands enveloped in the smoke aren’t hurting at all. Maybe because I’m not the target but Twilight seems to be having a seizure of some kind. Or she’s dancing. Given what I’ve seen her dancing looks like, it could be either, though it’s hard to misinterpret the yells of definite pain. Still, the sooner she’s full size the sooner it’ll be over.

I can feel her grow heavier in my hands, but she’s growing weirdly, like something’s grabbing her all over and just pulling her till she’s stretched out enough to be ‘bigger’. After nearly a minute of her screaming growing louder as she expands, her voice cracks and she goes hoarse... no pun intended. Several minutes later, the smoke dissipates, and Twilight’s laying a thrashed circle of vegetation, tears streaming down her face and a look of pain in her expression. Her eyes are also a little glassy and half open.

“There you are, one repaired unicorn. As agreed. No further curses, malign influences, tumors, ulcers, or children present in it.”

I give the caterpillar a dumbfounded look. Children!? He ‘fixes’ pregnancies? What the fuck? I decide to just leave him to his smoking and pick up the now much-heavier Twilight, though she’s light enough to carry I stumble a bit from the odd hold I have on her, trying to give support to her body with one arm and her head with the other, putting a lot of unbalanced weight distribution on the arm carrying her body.

I can’t do it for long and eventually I set her down to rest. She’s not heavy, but really awkward to carry that way. I see nothing to do but wait for her to recover. I consider one option, getting some of that magical weed and giving it to Twilight to help dull the pain, but I have no idea what potential other effects it might have so I decide to leave the work to ponies naturally ‘superior’ healing speed. I could use a nap... but I don’t know what might happen if I fall asleep in the middle of a forest.

Sighing, I sit down, watching as Purple blows more clouds of geometric smoke... I kinda want to know what the differences between the caterpillars are, but I doubt that Purple is the right one to ask. Twilight slowly recovers, eventually doing more than blink her eyes as she gets back to her hooves, rubbing her head.

“Oogh... that was... indescribably painful.” she states, wincing at the mere thought of it.

“Well, we just have to be more careful in the future. And we also have to find Pinkie and Cadence still. No idea where they are, or how to get back to Canterlot.”

“You could ask Yellow.” Purple says, looking over at us. “He can find things. It’s what he does.”

I nod and, deciding to follow the thread back to Yellow’s grotto, find the yellow-purple strands and hold onto it as I go. Hopefully we won’t have to deal with any other caterpillars.

As soon as I’m back in Yellow’s grotto, the caterpillar looks up from what looks like a tiny book. “Oh, you’re back so soon! Did Purple lose his hookah this time?” Yellow asks.

“No, we’re looking for someone else now. Do you know how to find... uh...” It takes me a second to remember Granny Pie’s actual name. “Preamble Pie?”

“Oh, missus Pie! If I’m not mistaken, she’s tending to her Jubjub birds right now.” I feel my eye twitch slightly at the name of the birds.

“And where would that be exactly?” I ask, getting a little tired of Wunderland. It’s interesting and a breath of fresh air but... it’s just a little too deadly.

“Oh, near the Lookinglass Gate of course. They’re one of the main ways it remains guarded on the Wunderland side.”

“That would explain how come nothing comes through.” I muse aloud. “Alright, can you give us directions?”

“Hmm... I could, but what are you going to give me for that aid?”

“I uh... don’t have anything really.”

“Are you sure? You have quite a few things. Working eyes, free will, a decent memory, the ability to taste cherries... Oh! Also, a working star core and several other things besides.”

“Sorry, those aren’t for trade. How about what you tell us what you want and we’ll try getting it for you?”

“I don’t know, that’s not my job!” His comment gives me a pang of frustration that tries making me strangle him, but I don’t want to find out what attacking a potentially-omnipotent insect from Wunderland would result in.

“Right, your job is to find things. So find us a way to get to the gate!”

“Nope, can’t. Not without a trade.”

Urge to strangle rising. “Then tell me what you want!”

“There’s nothing I really want! Most people just offer me things!” the caterpillar shouts back at me, sounding a bit lost.

“That’s dumb, why give someone something they don’t want? That’s not a fair trade, they don’t want it.”

“It’s the thought that counts!” the caterpillar counters. “Literally! The act of giving me something of value, even if I have no need nor use of it, is what lets me use my power!”

“Fine then, how about I make you something you literally can’t get anywhere else?”

“That might be worth two favors even!” he replies, sounding giddy.

“Alright. Hold on.” I get some coal out and create a tiny figurine. A moment later I have a decently sized Tahnok-Va, minus a staff. I hand the figure to the caterpillar, placing it next to him. “Here you are, a statue of a creature that doesn’t exist in this universe, and it’s incredibly fragile.”

“Oooh... and such attention to detail! Hmm... I’ll have to consult with Orange on what this is so I can find another some time.” he attaches a yellow strand of silk to it, and lowers it straight down, where a piece of the stone floor slides aside to reveal a massive chamber below us full of various things, like the hoard of a dragon with extremely eclectic tastes.

“So, if that’s worth two favors, tell me how to find the portal to Canterlot. The second favor... I’ll just save it for later in case I need you again. Fair?”

“Hmm... annoying, but fair, I suppose. Now, let me see... portal to Canterlot, portal to Canterlot... ah, here’s the path! For the next four hours, it will be passing by the babbling brook, through the forest of slumbers, and over the hill of wonders. I can send you to the first part of the path, and will take you out of Wunderland and to Canterlot, provided you do not ever stray from it - if you do, you could wind up anywhere in Wunderland.”

“Well, we’d actually like to find our friends before we leave and they were with Granny Pie last I recall, so I guess that would be our second favor. We’ll just remember how to find the Gate, and you send us to our friends Pinkie and Cadence. Can you do that?”

“Hmm... alright. But remember, you have to go to the brook first, or you won’t find the path.” he says, taking a hard drag off his cigar. “Brace yourselves.” he says, before turning to breathe the smoke on us, without letting me ask any further questions.

Chapter 33

I cough, and Twilight hacks and wheezes. Waving my arms, I clear away the smoke, and see that we’re now in a different clearing, this time one with yellow-barked trees and blue leaves sprouting from vines. The surreal color palette is subdued, but still very unnerving, and I’m not entirely sure what to make of it.

From behind me, there’s a faint rustling noise. Turning, I reach for the Vorpal blade, ready to draw it any moment. Another rustle comes, this one from my right, accompanied by one to my left.

Chances are it’s something hunting us... but chances are also good that it’s Pinkie and Cadence pulling some sort of prank. I mean, the caterpillar said he’d send us to them and he hasn’t messed up so far...

“Come on out before someone gets hurt.” I call, the rustling growing closer and circling us in two directions. A sudden feeling of weariness overcomes me.

Calling shenanigans for what must be the hundredth time today, I focus on staying awake and grip the handle of the Vorpal blade, preparing to draw it at the slightest movement.

Suddenly, the plants begin to wilt, and a draconian head takes shape, fluidly moving along the forest floor. “Greetings, person!” the head says, followed by a strange, flat-looking body, moving in waves like a sound visualizer or a wave machine.

“Apt.” I reply. “I am a person, and depending on your definition of what a ‘person’ is, it could be said I’m one of very few.” I tighten my grip on the Vorpal blade just in case the thing was hoping for a meal rather than a chat.

The thing zigs and zags, but doesn’t come too close. “A person is one who decides, though decisions are not what they are often given.” it says, continuing to circle around. As it does, another wave of exhaustion pours over me, and I see Twilight stumble in place as well.

“Whatever, let’s cut to the chase. Or rather, before the chase. State your intention or I kill you before you kill me.”

“To surround, to contain, to encapsulate.” the creature says. “All within my range, my field, my domain give me strength to choose and decide.” it continues to circle me, and I spot a thin groove in the ground from its passing... ahead of it. It’s marking out a specific area. “I adapt, I shift, I alter to maintain my continuance; my boundary is absolute.” it continues, and I see it’s about to touch its tail, having stretched slowly along its path as it continued to make circuits around me.

I narrow my eyes, but they start to droop so I widen my glare. “Sorry pal, but I’m out of bounds. You want something you’ll have to look elsewhere.”

“You stand in my range, within my power, and you cannot cleave me through.”

“A-antho... ny...” Twilight whispers, and I realize she fell to the ground some time ago, and there’s a thin stream of magenta magic pouring from her horn into the ground, arcing to the boundary the dragon-thing has described. I grab Twilight and drag her to her feet and look for a way past the creature.

“If I can’t cut you... maybe I can go through you.”

I muster the strength to Spark up and go intangible, my goal to walk through the creature, but find that he still feels solid, even though I’m halfway through a bush right now.

“I am possessed of all I contain; to use the power now mine against me is foolish.” it rises and forms a wall, head turning in a weird, almost second-dimensional way to look at me.

So it has my powers... and Twilight’s magic I assume. How do I get myself out of this? I ponder that while I watch the creature circle us. Twilight isn’t standing anymore and is on the ground again.

“So what’s your secret? Everything in this logic-forsaken land has something, a weakness or a fault. What’s yours?”

“I am the Jerrymander, and I surround and take all within my reach. All upon the ground wither under my command, before I choose a new place to keep until it is depleted. The two of you will keep me longer than most, but I will be the person at the end; you will be the corpses.” it states, doubling back on itself, a sight that sets my teeth on edge and makes my stomach roil, because it does it entirely without intruding upon the third dimension, crossing itself, nor going over itself in any place.

Still trying to think of a way out of this. Most things I can think of though require someone else being outside the circle, or me not being completely copied.

Then again, it has my powers, but does it have everything? I summon some coal and form it into a thin sword and attempt to harry the creature. The coal blade cuts through it with surprising ease, and for a moment I feel elated, until I see the body flow together behind it, like something from the second Terminator movie, without injury.

Twilight, from the ground gasps out something, and I turn my blurring vision to her.

“O-over... g-over...”

Okay, that makes a lot of sense, and yet none at all. But it is crazy enough to work, I just don’t have a lot of vertical movement. I can throw things though... I pick up Twilight as best I can, she weighs even more than she did before...

I apologize in advance and toss her over the Jerrymander’s head, and she just sort of ragdolls to the ground, my throw being a little underpowered and both of us being rather out of it for a good landing.

The Jerrymander makes a noise like a throttled teakettle, and pauses in its circulations. “How dare you? You have no more choices to make, you will cease and desist!” it demands, beginning to circle faster, forming taller, thicker humps and walls between me and the outside world, until a long branch with a vine tied to the end sneaks over the barrier, the vine trailing down to me, and the base of the branch overhead held in a soft, baby-blue glow.

“Yeah... except you can’t steal things like willpower or intelligence, dumbass.” I groan as I grab the vine and start climbing it. I recognize the color of the magic as what Cadence used whenever she was levitating something. “Though some help a bit earlier would have been appreciated.”

As I’m hauled out of the grasp of the screaming, incoherently angry Jerrymander, I feel my strength return to me, and I’m dropped atop a pink back, a shout of ‘go!’ bringing me back towards wakefulness. I grab ahold of a thick tangle of mane as my new steed takes off, and I feel myself wake up slowly.

“Thanks for the save...” I say, stretching my back a bit. However Pinkie doesn’t have a whole lot of back space for me to do really anything, Pinkie carrying me on her back a rather odd feeling as I’d never ridden a horse before, much less one who’s small enough that my legs are dragging on the ground. I’m mainly wondering how I’m hanging on so well.

“No problemerino! We had a buncha trouble finding a branch strong enough to hold you and long enough to reach over and still of a good grip, and we were thinking of tying me on and using me like a crane game claw but then you tossed Twilight out and so we just grabbed her and sent over the branch instead and sorry that took so long but we’d just gotten away from the Jerrymander too because the Princess can fly and he can’t stop anyone from just passing over him as long as they aren’t touching the ground.”

I could’ve just jumped over him? Fuck. “So... I think I’ve had enough of this little vacation... So far everything wants to kill us or just make things difficult.”

“It is, honestly, not as fun as I’d been hoping.” Cadence agrees, running along next to Pinkie as the two begin to slow down, Twilight woozily recovering on her back. “But very educational.” she says.

“M’sorry...” Twilight says from Cadence’s back, eyes slowly clearing.

“About what?” I ask. “Granted there’s plenty of things you should apologize for... just wondering which one you’re referring to.”

“Shoulda... shoulda f-figgere’d it out... sooner...” she says, recovering quickly after her delay, and Cadence helps her down to the ground so she can try standing.

“Trust me, you have a lot of answers, but not all of them. That said, when I mentioned making notes on the Wunderland Bestiary I meant it. That way we’d have a reference guide once we knew the thing’s name. If anything, you should be sorry for not listening to me instead.”

“That is not helpful Anthony.” Cadence says, coldly.

“Would have been if she remembered is all I’m saying. Half this stuff we come across gives us a name to use that we could be looking up.”

“While that is true, it doesn’t mean she did something wrong by not listening to you.”

“I never said that it was.”

“Your tone says otherwise.”

“Whatever! Are we going home or not?”

“Well, we’ve actually been looking for a way home for a little while now; I’m guess you haven’t found one either, then?” she asks, looking concerned.

“For the next four hours, the portal will be passing by the babbling brook, through the forest of slumbers, and over the hill of wonders.” I say, quoting the yellow caterpillar. Sure I’m being pretty smug but I did actually find us a way home, so I feel pretty smart for asking about it. “Question is, how many hours has it been? Wunderland time isn’t really very consistent.”

“Well, you only showed up a few minutes ago, how long ago did you get the information?” Cadence asks.

“Assuming the transportation was instantaneous, a couple minutes ago, right before we showed up.”

“How did you get there, if I might ask? I mean, I didn’t see how you arrived, I only heard the Jerrymander start his thing again...” she says.

I shrug. “See it’s weird because when I was told we were going to be sent to you, I thought the caterpillar meant literally right next to you or something. And yeah, caterpillar. A yellow one. We had to run an errand for a purple one first and... it’s a long story. My main questions are related to why we didn’t wake up in Granny Pie’s house.”

Pinkie Pie gives an embarrassed-sounding chuckle. “Ah, that, er, might be a little tiny bit my fault. I said we came to experience Wunderland, and I think she might’ve tried to be helpful.” she blushes and rubs the back of her head.

“Okay, your relative or not, she’s a native of Wunderland, and so far they’ve all been either deadly, painful, or just plain headaches. I think there’s a reason nobody comes here.”

“Sorry.” Pinkie says.

“Not your fault your granny took ‘experiencing Wunderland’ literally.” I say, getting off of Pinkie’s back. It really isn’t all that comfortable. Maybe that’s why saddles were a thing. “Anyways, anything safe we could do before we leave, or should we just head back to Canterlot now?”

“Well... we should probably head back, given the hostility we’ve faced so far. I don’t want any of you getting hurt on my vacation.” Cadence says.

“Not really much of a vacation after all, though. I don’t know about you, but I feel more stressed than before.” I reply, rolling my eyes. “I mean, I’ve had to fight for my life more often here than I have anytime else in my entire life.” Granted before coming to Terra I never had to fight for my life at all... but still.

“Yeah... not entirely sure what I was expecting.” she says. “Anyways, let’s see about finding that brook. I’m not sure where it is though...”

As she looks around unsurely, Twilight concentrates, and with a flash of light creates a sort of wireframe compass, which points in all directions for a moment, before settling in a single direction.

“What’s in that direction?” I ask. “A bottle of rum that turns out to be empty?”

“What? No, it’s a Directing spell, and it should point us towards the Babbling Brook. It only points us to where it is relative to us now, though, so we still need to get through or around anything between us and the Brook.”

I shrug. “Fair enough. Alright, let’s get going then.” The three ponies nod and we all begin following the glowing compass, and it leads us towards some thick, oddly-shaped trees. As we go, I see Pinkie looking fearful, and taking quick, shallow breaths.

“What’s wrong? I’m guessing these aren’t actual trees?” I look up to see the twisted, almost tumorous looking branches overhead.

“Th-they are... but they’re tulgey.” she whispers almost theatrically, stepping closer to me until she’s nearly pressed against my leg like a frightened dog.

“And as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came!“ I quote from the poems. “Yeah, we’re in trouble.”

Pinkie nods, “J-just hope there’s no burbling...” she says. Twilight and Cadence, having been listening, are looking outward with concern from their point at the front of our little group.

“We’ve got Vorpal blades.” I remind them all. “As long as it doesn’t get the drop on us, we’ll be fine. Just keep an eye and an ear out and we should be alright.”

“So, uhm... what exactly is the sound of something burbling?” Cadence asks, looking around. “I mean, it’s a noise, right? Or is it something you do?” Her voice holds notes of fear in it, suppressed by her willpower, but only barely.

“Well, it’s something you do but it makes a noise.” I explain. “Uh, well, bubbles in a boiling pot are sometimes described as burbling.” I suggest. “And the noises that babies make can be called burbling at times.”

“It’s also a form of laughter.” comes the reply, and I nod.

“That sounds plausible.”

“It’s also sometimes used synonymously with the term ‘babble’ such as in a babbling brook. Though this being Wunderland if we come across something that babbles specifically, it would probably just be very talkative.” I pause my information coming to a realisation. “Wait, who made the ‘laughter’ comment?”

“I did.”

“Oh, alright.” I breath a sigh of relief, then twitch and turn towards the figure standing in the midst of the four of us, whom I hadn’t noticed until it spoke, voice feminine but tinged with notes of age.

The figure is a stocky, solidly-built creature, body reminiscent of a pony’s, but with a dragon’s head and four mismatched limbs, like a caricature of Discord by someone who’d only heard he was a ‘hybrid of some kind’ and ‘looks kinda crazy’. The creature’s limbs aren’t just mismatched between four races, either, but rather changing species notably at every joint, and long, scorpion-like tail forms a spike-ended double curlicue. Eyes like blue fires burn inside the creature’s eyesockets as it turns to look towards me.

“And I doubt you’re here to make friends.” I reply, my knees shaking a bit before I steel myself and reach for the Vorpal Blade.

“Ah-ah-ah! We’ve only just met!” the creature responds, snapping two patchwork fingers, and the vorpal blades vanish from all four of us, at it unwinds, equine torso stretching unnaturally as it does so. “Now, before you assume I’m up to no good, why don’t we try introducing each other?” it says, grinning and giving a low, bubbly laugh.

“Because so far, everything that wants conversation only uses it as a distraction to get an advantage on us.” I reply flatly. “Seriously, am I the only one who’s noticed this trend?”

“Oh please, I already hold all the cards.” she says, holding up a handful of terrified card soldiers, all of them frantically trying to escape before she simply begins shuffling them. “I have no need to get an ‘advantage’ over you. Now, let’s get back to introductions; even I need some amount of order in my life! Here, you start human, introduce someone!” the dragon-headed monster’s grin is wide and full of teeth that refuse to match any other in her mouth.

I roll my eyes and gesture to Twilight. “That’s Twilight Sparkle... but before we continue, how do you know what a human is?”

“Terra is not the only land that borders this one, obviously.” the creature replies. Alright, Twilight Sparkle, you introduce someone else!”

Twilight, looking very put-upon and scared, quails under the quite literal spotlight, and she stammers out, “Th-this is Pinkie Pie, and she’s an Earth pony?” Pinkie gives a nervous wave, but she doesn’t seem nearly as nervous as before.

Once the jabberwock gestures at Pinkie to keep things going, Pinkie introduces Cadence, and Cadence introduces the jabberwock.

“And now it’s my turn! Everyone, this is Ant-” I interrupt the creature when I hear the hard ‘t’ sound it’s making.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” I hiss, fist flaming.

“Ooh, sore subject?” she asks, burbling again. “Fine then, this is Anthony, the starborne-hero!” she says, “Now let’s find another game to play! I wouldn’t want to get bored.” at the word ‘bored’, a flicker of terrifying, almost-divine levels of hatred appears in her visage, startling even me, and the flames on my hand go out in surprise.

“Alright, fine... what games do you know?” I ask cautiously, backing up and preparing for a hasty escape.

“Oh I know a lot of games, but I want you to give me a game! Or else we play ‘hide and eat’.” I don’t doubt that wasn’t a mispronunciation of ‘hide and seek’.

I turn to the ponies. “We need to come up with an easy game that’s over fast so we can get out of here, any ideas?” The question is mainly aimed at Pinkie, games kind of being her thing.

“Well, there’s plenty of board games I know, but all of them are dangerous in Wunderland. Uhm... I mean, Tic-Tac-Toe is a good one, but I don’t know something like that will want to play it. Not enough pieces involved, too simple.” Pinkie says, looking uncomfortable.

I then have an idea. “What’s the likelihood that we can get the thing too drunk to see straight?”

“How would we do that though?” Cadence asks looking past me at the creature.

“Drinking games. Humans have plenty of them. Usually they’re played like other games, but in the event that you fail you take a drink and keep playing. Usually the loser isn’t who loses the game but ends up either puking or unable to play through inebriation.” I explain, Twilight looking utterly baffled.

“But, who would play a game where they could get drunk? I’ve heard ponies tell of experiences and it isn’t pleasant...”

“I’ll explain human culture later, right now, let’s see if we can’t get this thing wasted.” I end the ‘huddle’ of sorts and turn back to the Jabberwocky. “Alright, I have a game. It’s called trivial pursuit. Only with a new rule. If you get an answer wrong, you have to take a drink.” I pause before adding a bit of clarification lest it find a loophole. “Of something alcoholic.”

The jabberwock thinks for a moment, tapping its jaw with a forelimb. “Y’know, I’ve never heard of this one before... absolutely! I’ll even provide the drinks! Now, how do I win this game~?”

I grin. “By getting more right answers than anyone else and not passing out from drinking too much. We have one person draw a card and read out the question. The players, excepting the ‘dealer’, must give an answer and any wrong answers mean the people who answered wrong have to drink.”

“Oh! I love it already.” The jabberwock says, and settles in. “Shall we begin?” It asks, gesturing at a circle of chairs. There’s a keg next each chair, with a long crazy straw sticking out of each wooden top. In the center is a stack of cards with intricate, moving designs on the back, like printed gifs. The jabberwocky settles into a throne made of taffy and candy canes, twisted together into a vaguely chair-like shape. What’s eerie is that there’s little peppermint patty skulls dotting the throne.

I turn to the ponies. “Alright, we decide who’s going to challenge the Jabberwock. Because if we all play then-”

“Oh, you’re all playing.” The jabberwock interrupts, grin wide enough to not be fully on its face.

“Well then, one of us has to be the designated card reader. We can’t have everyone drinking and end up letting a card be misread, that’s unfair and wouldn’t count.”

The jabberwocky furrows its brows, then snaps it phalanges, and a Cheshire Cat appears, with gold and green stripes. “Cat. You will read the cards for this game, and I will fail to eat you.” The jabberwock says, putting the cat down in a small chair next to the stack of cards. The cat, looking utterly perturbed, nods.

“Alright, then we’ll do it as teams. Predator versus prey. The ponies and I against the Jabberwock.” I take the ponies into a huddle one last time. “Okay, I don’t know how well you guys can hold your booze but we better hope that our combined tolerance outdoes the Jabberwock. Some questions will be easy, others won’t. We gotta play smart. Normally I’d suggest Twilight leads, but since unicorns supposedly have shit alcohol tolerance, we’re gonna have to stick with Pinkie and I, our metabolisms are pretty high and should burn it off.”

“We don’t know what kinda alcohol is in there, Anthony, are you sure you wanna rely on that?” Pinkie asks, concern in her inflection.

“No, he’s right; even if it’s magical, it should burn off more quickly in an earth pony’s system, and Anthony’s stellar nature should make him highly resistant. I just hope there’ll be plenty of questions about things I’ve studied. And Cadence should be nearly immune to even the magical stuff, if she keeps using magic.”

I nod. “Yeah, these questions could range from sports scores to quantum physics. We just have to answer the questions as best as we can and get out of here when the Jabberwock can’t stand up, much less give chase. Okay, plan is set, let’s do this.”

“Wait, sports? Nopony said anything about sports.” Twilight says, eyes wide. “I... I don’t know anything except what I’ve read.”

I wince. “Answer as best you can. I couldn’t finagle a way to keep one of us from playing, so we’ll all have to hope we can last. Despite the possibility of questions being outside her range, I think Twilight has the best bet here even if she’s a unicorn. We need to play smart. Hell, cheat if you have to.”

We all nod and break apart to take our seats at the table. I look at the keg for a label or any markings that might divulge what’s in it. Sadly, there’s nothing but the faint scent of honey in the air; maybe a mead-type alcohol?

The cat clears his throat, looking around. “Well, if you’re all about ready to let me begin...” He sounds haughty and in control, in spite of everyone here knowing he’s not. “Which nonmagical terrestrial mammal has the longest gestation period?” He stares directly at Twilight when he asks this, evidently choosing her to make the first answer.

Twilight is about to answer when I raise a hand. “Wait, Humans use the term ‘terrestrial’ to identify something from Earth, my home planet. Do you mean Terrestrial as in from the pony homeworld or human?”

“Neither, it means native to above-ground land, not the air, sea, or underground.” The cat says.

I nod. “Well, I’m a bit rusty but I’m gonna say... African elephant.” I know it’s an elephant but I can’t remember the exact type.

The cat looks down. “Yes, that is the answer on the card.” I sigh in relief. “Wait, no, it says ‘Zebrican elephant’. Take a drink.” Before I can contest this, the jabberwocky turns to look at me, and I take a sip from my crazy straw. Mmm, that’s mead alright.

I feel the urge to complain that the difference between african and zebrican is entirely cultural and other such things, but I’d rather not make this take longer than needed. “Next question then.” I say, finishing off the sip of drink. It’s not that strong from what I can taste, but it’s good enough to want more meaning maybe it would sneak up on you. That’s a problem.

“Well, ah, I’m next, then.” Cadence says, sitting to my left. The cat shuffles in place, and clears his throat again. “Now... hmm. Which actor played the main character in the 1990 film ‘Edward Scissorhands’?” It asks, turning towards the Jabberwock, who stares for a moment.

“The what when what?” The immense, serpentine beasts asks, blinking. “I’ve never heard of the last three or four things in that question.” It says, sounding mildly upset, and its face its expression is growing cross.

I ‘buzz in’ with, “Johnny Depp.” And get it right, forcing the Jabberwock into drinking.The creature grumbles unhappily, and the cat turns back to us. The girls look at me strangely.

“How did you know that?” Twilight asks.

“Are you kidding? That movie was part of my childhood!” Damn, now I’m thinking of home... “Uh... next question.”

The next one is, ‘Kopi Luwak is a very expensive type of...?”

I look around the table and shrug. I have no idea. Cadence however responds with ‘Coffee’ confusing me greatly. “Wait, there are ‘expensive brands’ of coffee like wine?”

Cadence just smiles. “I may not be like most princesses but I know plenty about what costs the most and what doesn’t. You don’t stay rich without being frugal after all.”

I chuckle “Tell that to Canterlot.”

“I know, right?” Cadence laughs and the cat coughs to get our attention.

“That answer is right. Turn passes to the predator team... of one. Your question is ‘The use of reflected sounds to locate objects is known as what?’”

“Oh, that’s easy. Echolocation.” The Jabberwock says.

“Very well. Back to the prey team. Your question is ‘what is the term for an irrational fear of clowns?’”

“Coulrophobia is not irrational!” I argue. “Clowns are fucking disturbing and everyone knows it.”

“I would have accepted ‘rational’ as an answer.” The cat responds, turning towards the Jabberwock. “Your question is: ‘what is the capital of Equestria?’”

The jabberwock answers “‘Everfree City’.”

Twilight coughs and all eyes turn towards her. “Actually, it’s taught that since the princesses have moved out of the Everfree forest that the current capital is Canterlot. That should be the right answer if the cards are up to date.”

The cat consults the card and nods. The jabberwock growls. “Not fair! I haven’t left Wunderland in nearly a thousand years!” But grudgingly swallows a gulp of alcohol.

I grin. “If The cards know Johnny Depp is the lead actor of Edward Scissorhands then it’s obvious they’re not only current, but multidimensional.” I turn to Twilight and whisper. “Which means I can answer most Earth questions, but we could run into a question about a fictional world too.”

Twilight nods, biting her lip. “We’ll just have to hope we can answer enough to outlast the Jabberwock.”

“The next question, for the prey team, is: ‘Duck-Billed platypi are native to which planar junction?’“

I look to Twilight. “I have no idea what he means by planar junction. Does he mean the specific galactic designation, or something else?”

Twilight shakes her head. “No, it refers to which plane of existence or elemental plane it’s native to; think of junctions as nations on a continent. And if I remember my summoning classes correctly, platypi of all three kinds are found in a junction between the air, water, and lightning elemental planes, and the one for chaos... argh, but I can’t remember the name! I never could summon them...”

“You don’t have to summon one for real, just remember the lesson.” I plead. As good as the stuff is, I don’t want to drink if I don’t have to.

Cadence suddenly bursts out, “Stralum!” And the cat nods. She sighs. “I only remembered because I had one as a familiar during high school.” She explains.

“Cadence, why do I get the feeling you have the most interesting history of all of us? Jabberwock included.” I say, looking to the alicorn and grinning. She blushes, and humbly denies it. I don’t buy it. Duck-billed platypus as a familiar? In High school? Closest thing I had to a familiar in high school in the first place was maybe a friend or two who were just barely dumber than me.

“Next question for the predator team is ‘What is a baby rabbit called?”

Before it can make a good comment, the word ‘delicious’ slips from its lips, and it slaps it appendages over its mouth. The cat shakes its head, and the jabberwock takes an angry gulp from its keg.

I laugh. I thought this would be hard, but so far it’s no problem! “Next question.”

“Indeed. The next question is, Who played the fictional anti-hero Deadpool in the 2016 live-action movie on iterations Y217 to Ipsilon884?”

I stand bolt upright and slam my hands on the table. “There’s a Deadpool movie!?” I grab the cat and start begging for details.

“Aaand there goes our chance of getting the answer...” Cadence mutters as I shake the feline for information.

However, he doesn’t seem to know, and eventually just slashes my hands, making me drop him. The twin sets of clawmarks are bleeding freely, and the princess has to cast a spell to get it to stop.

I’m not very deterred though. A Deadpool movie? And I missed it!? Wait... Myrna is from ‘16, maybe she saw it! I have to ask when I get back. Oh my god a Deadpool movie! I hug myself in excitement. No matter the cost, I have to see it!

My thoughts are interrupted by the Cheshire Cat’s next question for the Jabberwock. “How many furlongs are in a mile?”

“Eight” comes the immediate answer, before I can even contemplate the question.

“Well then, here’s the next question: What does the acronym ‘DNA’ stand for?”

I reply with “Deoxyribonucleic acid.” At the exact same time Twilight does, and we share a grin, Pinkie and Cadence just looking vaguely confused. “Maybe you are as smart as you say you are.” I snipe.

“I’m at the top of my class in the best school the best-educated country in the world can offer; of course I’m as smart as I say.” She replies.

“Yeah... for a pony.”

Cadence stares knowingly at us. “We’re in the middle of a game, you two can kiss later. Or now, I’m not picky.”

I’m about to protest but I’m interrupted by the cat’s next question. “Which actor that once played James Bond previously competed in the Mr. Multiverse bodybuilding competition?”

“Oh, that would be that-” the jabberwocky licks its lips, “delicious mr. Connery fellow~” the way it says his name makes me want to peel my skin off, then take a cold shower made of bleach and hydrochloric acid...

Either way, the question is answered correctly and turn passes back to us.

I think it’s been a few hours now and we’re all still standing, though Twilight is the first to be looking a little frazzled as expected. There’s more cards in the ‘used’ pile than there is in the draw deck, and I’m starting to feel a buzz. If the Jabberwock is giving any signs of being drunk it’s not showing clear enough for me to see. Same goes for Cadence. Pinkie finally had to take a drink and at tasting the mead began answering questions wrong on purpose just to take more drinks. How she’s still not tipsy I have no fucking clue.

Looking up with my vision swimming slightly, I see that the jabberwock is answering another question, but no longer has that eternally smug grin on its face. Her face, really, the voice is feminine and she acts like a girl so I think it’s a lady... or something close to one, anyways.

Turn passes to us and the cat gives the question. “What is the term for the distance around a circular object?”

“Uh... circ-something... wait... I got it...” I pause to think and the fog in my head clears temporarily. “Cir... cumf... erence.”

Twilight just nods, swaying a bit. Guess we’re a bit more out of it than I thought. I then get an idea. I spark up and... I was gonna... oh yeah, literally burn off energy by generating electricity and releasing it into the ground. The first few thousand volts take a while to generate and I can tell the amperage is lacking, but I should be a lot better when... I... stop... okay... bad idea, just... tired now.

“As nice as... as that light show was... I do believe I’m still... winning.” My opponent says.

“In your dreams...” I reply. “I can keep going longer than you can. Come on, next question.”

“Another for math. The fourth dimensional continuation of the line, square, cube progression is called a...?”

“A mega... no an ultra... uh... itsa cubey thingy, but moreso.” The Jabberwock says, swaying alarmingly to one side as she tries to tilt her head for thinking, before finishing. “A hypercube! That’s it.” She smiles broadly, and I have to admit, she’s got a nice... linear-ness to her. Kinda cute, if she didn’t wanna eat me.

“It’s... called a-a tesseract.” Twilight mumbles just loud enough to be heard. “Tha’s the... the actu’l word... right?”

Okay, Twilight slurring like that is pretty funny.

The cat looks over the card. “Both are listed as answers, so both I suppose.” He sighs and rubs his face. “Y’know, I would like to go home eventually, can one of you pass out already?” He asks, though he reaches for another card all the same as the Jabberwocky leers at him lopsidedly.

“Maybe if someone magicked up a stronger drink...” Cadence says, the least wobbly of all of us. “Though I’m not complaining. Usually it takes several gallons of red wine to get me where I am now.”

I chuckle. “Shit girl, I’d expect you to balloon up before you keel over...”

“Moving hastily along...” The cat replies dryly, before reading the next card. “The three continents of Terra are Equus, Zebrica, and what?”

Twilight looks like she’s concentrating hard, apparently math being the only subject on her clouded mind. I can practically hear the gears turn in her head and man are they rusty. But she answers. “Uh...” Or she’s about to mess up badly. She blinks, then starts laughing. “Izz Wunderland!” She yells, grinning triumphantly.

“No.” The cat replies, and Twilight blinks. “Wunderland is considered an extradimensional location, not a continent. The correct answer is Eupora.” She nods, then sucks up some more of her drink. Immediately afterward, she looks at me, completely cross-eyed, and tips over off her chair. She hits the ground snoring.

“And the unicorn goes down!” I yell, going for a sharpie when I recall I don’t have one. “Who’s... who’s got a marker?”

“Next question.” The cat says, being an utter killjoy. As I sigh, he rattles off “Gymnophobia is the fear of...?”

Cadence scrunches her face. “Oooh, I know this one... is it our turn right now?” She asks, looking around with bright, but booze-filled eyes.

“No, it’s team predator’s turn.” The cat informs us. Guess she’s more tipsy than she looks. “That means the Jabberwock.”

At the name, the creature opposite us looks like it was just called on in class and hadn’t studied. I know that look. I’ve seen it on school kids right before they bullshit their way to an answer.

“Er... the fear of... of... exercise equipment?” She posits, looking a combination of crushed and angry when the cat shakes his head.

“Iznudes!” Cadence yells gleefully. “Scarda nudeys.” She says, smiling and faceplanting into her own keg, earth pony toughness resulting in smashed wood and alcohol going everywhere as she begins to snore in the most adorable way possible. I kinda wanna just snuggle her right now, maybe go to sleep too...

The Jabberwock takes a drink and I’m reminded of my mission. If I fall asleep, it’s all up to Pinkie, who is wobbling, and not in the ‘I have tons of energy’ way she usually does. If we lose, we get eaten. Gotta win this. Come on, it’s about time we got an easy question for me...

“Who originally used the line ‘keep watch, true believers’ on Earth?”

“Stanley something...” I say. “No, wait. Stan Lee... his whole name is like a big first name...”

“Er... yes, that is it. Now for your next question... what is the term for the distance from the center of a circle to its perimeter?” The cat asks. The Jabberwocky, who has done pretty poorly on any question requiring linear thinking, pauses.

“Uhm... the... the diameter?” She guesses, and has to take another drink. Almost immediately, she begins to topple over in slow motion. “Ooh, I think I’ve... had one too... too many...” She mutters, and slowly falls limp on the ground, snoring in a surprisingly gentle manner.

I stand up, and have to spend a few moments gaining my balance and I lean over to Pinkie. “Come on... we gotsta... get us outta here before it wakes up...”

“Okie dokie lokie...” Pinkie salutes and giggles a bit as she goes over to Twilight and hoists the unicorn onto her back, I do my best to carry Cadence over my shoulder but it’s difficult so I switch to just carrying her in my arms like a rabbit.

I need to find a way to sober up... I turn to the cat. “Hey... got anything for-” I look around, but the cat is nowhere to be seen. “Damnit. Guh... How long has it been?”

“Long enough...” Pinkie says, giggling at her vague answer. Yeah. I figure we missed the portal at the brook. Gonna have to track it down some other way. No ideas come to my rather foggy mind though. “Heya, y’wanna just wander off a ways an’, idunno, just set up camp overnight?” She suggests.

I want to protest, say we have no idea where we might be when we wake up but I’m too tired to argue, and agree to Pinkie’s plan. I’m not particularly tired honestly, but I am dizzy and I get the feeling like my judgement is not going to be that stable and I figure a nap before the hangover hits would be a good idea.

We find a place outside the tulgey forest to set up camp and Pinkie and I set down our passengers and lay down. “So... whatcha wanna do ‘fore we tired enough to sleep?”

She comes over and snuggles with me in answer, curling up next to me and smiling. “I’m fine with just being here, for now.” Her breath smells like honey and peppermint, and her eyes close moments before mine.

Chapter 34

I wake up and note through my headache that I’m just barely dressed, only wearing my socks and underwear. And Pinkie now fully on top of me from her earlier position.

I sigh and groan as I reach for my shirt. “I really hope this isn’t what it looks like.”

“Shame.” Cadence says, looking up and grinning widely. “I’d love to have some pictures if it is.”

Pinkie snuggles more atop me, legs on either side of my hips as she uses one of her forelegs as a pillow of sorts. I realize she’s kinda drooling on me a little, and that said drool has been there long enough it’s the same temperature as me.

I just hope those are the only fluids that have been ‘traded’ here. I shake Pinkie’s free foreleg to wake her up, but she just keeps on snoring and wraps a hoof around my hand.

“D’awwwwww.” Cadence grins as she looks at us. “You two are just so cute... and here I am without a camera. I knew I forgot something when we came here.”

Twilight, now also awake, takes one look at me and turns around, face red as a firetruck.

“Chill, nothing happened... I hope.”

“You know, the first time Shining and I ended up like that, you know what my first thought was?”

I roll my eyes. “I get the feeling you’re going to tell me anyways.”

She smiled. “I wondered what our children would look like.”

I pick Pinkie up and deposit her on the ground next to me. “Oh no, no way. I am not gonna be a dad. Not on your life.” I grab my clothes and hastily get dressed. Luckily it seems that snuggling was really as far as last night went. ”Either way, I say we find where the Gate is and head there now. We’re lucky to have not been messed with in our sleep.”

Cadence just sighs. “Okay, serious talk then. You need a mare, badly. If that’s how you react to waking up with a nice mare like Pinkie, and you’re straight of course, there’s a problem.”

“Look, I just don’t want to have any complicated friendships. And I have a potential girlfriend anyways. I’d rather be with her than Pinkie.”

“Oh come on... you can have more than one mare, right? I’m sure Pinkie’d love to-”

“I am not a polygamist. The way I see it, there’s gotta be only one girl for me and right now that’s turning out to be Myrna.”

Twilight steps in to... sort of defend me. Well, more like explain me. “Humans are monogamous by nature, it’s just how they work since the male to female ratio isn’t as drastic. I was hoping that Anthony would grow out of this silly notion that he’s still bound by his home culture but considering he convinced us to play a drinking game, I’m worried his human culture will rub off on impressionable youths. He’s already made an impact on the children around Ponyville.”

Cadence pouts cutely. “That’s no fun. Heck, I wouldn’t be mad if Shining found another mare.”

“Well if I were him I’d be happy with what I had and not act like I needed another chick in order to feel ‘complete’. Or whatever reason he’d have.”

“Mmm... maybe that cute maid that got assigned to my room on Wednesdays...” Cadence muses, making Twilight blush harder than ever before. “Or the Zebrican ambassador. That rear...”

“Whatever, love-bug I’m gonna get us out of here, you can dislike my lovelife choices all you want but keep it to yourself.”

“Oh fine...” She relents, rolling her eyes.

Pinkie wakes up around this point and gets up on her hooves, “So we got away from the Jabberwocky, right?”

“Seems like it.” I reply. “Considering we’re not eaten right now. So Twilight, can you find the gate with that locator spell again?”

“Maybe if you stopped yelling...” She mutters, and begins to charge her horn, the wireframe forming slower than before.

“Heh, first hangover.” Cadence says, rubbing Twilight’s head like a parent. “It’ll pass... I remember my first time getting drunk.”

“Save the stories for later, I just wanna get home and sleep in a real bed without worrying that I might get killed or transformed.”

“Agreed.” Twilight says, finishing the spell.

The compass spins slowly before resting on a direction. I yawn and stretch before beginning to follow where the compass points. “So can this thing tell us how far it is, or do we just follow it until we get there?”

“Just follow it until we get there.” She says, and sighs, rubbing her head before heading along as well. The silence is a bit boring, but I have to agree with Twilight in that it sort of sounds like everything is too loud. We just keep walking forward, the compass never really changing directions which I suppose is a good sign that we’re headed in the right direction but it’s also so stationary that, were it tech and not magic, I’d imagine it was broken.

“So, before the Jerrymander attacked, what crazy adventure did you and Cadence have?” I ask Pinkie who seems to have made a pretty full recovery. If she’s suffering from any hangover effects, she’s not showing them.

“Well, I wandered around after leaving my Granny’s house, and then I went to see if some of my favorite places are still there; I only got to visit once in a long time, and then I moved to Ponyville, and didn’t get to visit at all anymore. I mean, it’s pretty great around Wunderland if you know all the tricks, and Granny Pie taught me not to be afraid and that’s number one. Well, number two right after ‘don’t eat anything a stranger gives you unless you’re starving because the alternative isn’t worth it otherwise.’ Granny Pie has a lot of practical advice when she wants to.”

“She met up with me in a mushroom forest; I’m not sure which one because it kept changing colors. We met the Tweedle Twins, and escaped without a headache or injury, and discovered a pond that I think connects to alternate versions of Wunderland... Our reflections looked like humans.”

“Interesting...” I muse. “I assume you didn’t try to get in the water?”

“Oh Tartarus no!” Cadence says. “Neither of us had ever heard of it before, so there’s no telling what it could do.”

“Smart. I woke up near a bunch of flowers that were attacking Twilight who had been shrunken. Then we met a caterpillar who told us to find a different caterpillar and we got attacked by Jubjub birds and it just goes downhill from there.”

“Aww, I wish I coulda met the JubJub birds! My Granny Pie keeps a whole flock of them for their feathers; they’re super-well behaved.”

“Well behaved?” Twilight mutters. “Tell that to the ones we met, they tried to kill us.”

I agree and take out the feathers in my pocket and pass one to Cadence. “I had to deal with them.”

Cadence gasps at the feather, holding it in her magical grasp. “Oh, these’re so valuable!” She says, and goes to tuck it into her hair, before stopping to give me a look in askance.

“Hey, it was kill or be killed. And I figured I might as well take some. They aren’t using them anymore.”

“May I have one?” Cadence asks, giving me eyes that’re wide and watery, the perfect puppy dog eyes. And unlike with the Crusaders, I don’t fear the results of her getting ahold of one of these.

“Sure.” I readjust the feather in her hair to be straighter. “I got a few more. I’ll probably keep them as souvenirs.”

“Well, they are also useful in a couple of different potions, including a Silence potion. They sell really well... they’re also very good for pillows. They never poke through the fabric.”

“Well if we come across another bunch of Jubjub birds, I’ll skin them the best I can and we may even find out what they taste like.”

“Okay, that’s disgusting.” Twilight says. “I understand the idea of killing before you’re killed but... plucking and eating them? That’s just cruel!”

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out here in Wunderland. And you can’t deny that you’re at least a little curious.”

Twilight glares at me. “If you weren’t right I’d be very upset.”

Of course it’s that curiosity that makes her dangerous, as much as it benefits me. Either way we continue on, and we don’t end up finding any more Jubjub birds. Seems I scared them off. “But if they really are that expensive I really do think I could come back here some time and get some. The only real problem would be finding them as I already know how to beat them relatively easily.”

“Yes, they won’t move if there’s no noises, so they fill their little groves with dead trees and sticks to make it easier.” Pinkie says. “But if you raise them from little eggs, and do so in your own home, they’ll keep your house as their grove, and protect that. Granny Pie raises enough of them that the whole Gate camp is in their grove.” She continues.

I nod and we continue to follow the compass in silence. Trudging along, we move out of the forest after an hour or two, and find ourselves in a wide, grassy plains with sparse trees, each looking rather odd. In fact, they look almost like they’re upside down, mostly the fact that there’s no leaves on their branches, and each splits two or three times before hitting the ground. I figure that if something is going to stop us again, this would be the time and place, so I just keep walking, expecting yet another ‘whimsical’ interruption.

A moment later and I’m being grabbed by Twilight and Cadence’s magic, having just fallen up towards the empty sky, gravity having decided this is a good place to work in reverse.

“Anthony, are you okay?” Twilight asks as I kneel on the ground, extreme vertigo running through my system thanks to the chaotically rearranged gravity I just experienced. I’m a little nauseous, actually.

“I will be once we get through this. Honestly, this place is starting to border on being downright infuriating.” I explain as I stand up, attempting to get my balance back. I’m serious, if it’s not one thing it’s another and my patience is wearing thin.

“Well, it did come with a rather large book of dangers...” Twilight begins, but I silence her with a hand.

“I get it, Wunderland isn’t half as great as my rosy glasses led me to believe.” I grumble, steadying myself so I can stand up. “Now let’s find a way around this... upside-down place.” Unfortunately, the compass just keeps pointing across the potentially-lethal expanse as we work our way around, skirting the edge of the plains until we come to a familiar expanse of cracked earth and deep gulfs, a stream of water falling up the side of the nearest canyon and flowing into the air over the plains. Once the spectacle’s oddity wears off it’s really not anything special, and I realize we’re back in the area I had to get through to find the yellow caterpillar. “And we just went in a giant circle... of course.”

“Really? Because I’ve never been here.” Pinkie says, looking around. “Wooow... look at all the floaty things!” She bounces at the edge of the cliff, garnering concerned looks from all of us, as nobody is sure how sturdy the edge actually is.

“I’ll admit I haven’t been here before, but it sounds like you have, Anthony.” Cadence says.

“Yes, we travelled through here while we looked for the Yellow Caterpillar.” Twilight explains looking around. “This is... much less impressive than I remember. Of course, I was only a few inches tall at the time.” She says.

“Yeah, so we just keep following the compass until we get to the Gate. Just don’t let the gravitational changes get to you. Don’t think too hard and they aren’t a big issue.”

“Don’t think too hard? When has that been a problem for anypony here but Twilight?” Pinkie asks.

I pause. I’m not sure if that’s an insult, but “I feel like I should be insulted...”

Twilight blinks and looks over. “I think I have to agree with you Anthony...”

“Either way let’s just get out of here. So far the most dangerous creature in this area has already been dealt with. Again, by me. You’re welcome.”

“Why do you always expect we’d thank you for killing things?” Twilight asks cautiously.

“Because I’m also saving your lives, and considering I don’t hear many thanks, I just imagine that you are thanking me anyways. Makes me feel actually appreciated for my skills.”

Twilight and Pinkie both roll their eyes, but Cadence pats me on the back gently with a wing. She leans over and whispers a ‘thank you’ in my ear, an action that makes me feel inexplicably flustered. Man, I hope this doesn’t make getting across this place awkward.

Still, I am right in that I’ve saved all of us once and Twilight a total of four times since coming here. Sure she didn’t have to be... whatever about it, but Cadence at least gave me what I need to feel appreciated. Of course the fact that I had to fish for it in the first place makes it a bit less genuine.

We work our way out into the wonky gravity area, and maneuver pretty easily with Cadence’s help; it’s good to have someone with wings this time; it makes last-minute course corrections so much easier. Of course, once we’re on the other side, we find that the compass is more or less pointing back across the chasm, and we’re forced to make our way around until we get to a series of cliffs. All of them are insanely tall, and are made of strange, horizontal bulges, like... well, like books stacked on their sides, I guess, but absolutely gargantuan.

“Well, might as well start climbing I suppose.” I say, summoning what remains of my satchel of coal into my barbed climbing gloves from before. If these are books, it should be easy to get a grip on them, paper being more malleable than stone. I slam my hands forward, then gasp and begin to curse, as I had just smashed my hand into solid rock. “Firetruck!”

“What?” Twilight asks, sounding puzzled over either my response or my comment.

“Firetruck.” I say again. “It’s the only child-friendly word that starts with an 'F' and ends with an 'uck' sound."

“... I don’t get it.” Twilight says.

“Well firetruck you then.” I reply, while I try to figure out how to scale the book-shaped rock wall. Let’s see, I could probably use the areas between each book’s binding as a hand or foothold, except each one is nearly ten feet tall -or thick, depending on how you look at it- and is covered in loose soil and the occasional tuft of grass or a small tree.

I put the coal away and start thinking of a way to climb the cliff. “Cadence, you can fly. Is there a way around the cliff, or do we really have to get up this thing?”

Cadence looks up. “Well, I could get over it, but I’m not sure I’d be able to get anypony else up.” She says.

“Yeah, so could you fly up and survey the area to see if there’s a way for us to get around it from here?” I repeat the question, hoping it’s understood the second time.

“Yes, but there’s no guarantee that heading back exactly this way would mean we meet up again. It’d be better if you follow along the cliffside while I fly; it’s harder to lose somepony if you can still see them.”

“Fine. We’ll follow along on the ground, but if you see anything, say something alright? I just want to get home. Today preferably.”

“Same here, Anthony.” She replies, then opens her wings and takes off. The three of us stuck on the ground follow her slow, gentle gliding speed, as she watches the ground and cliffs below her.

“So Anthony,” Pinkie begins, “other than the nearly dying and horrible creatures trying to eat you, how have you liked Wunderland?”

“It’s crazy, and nonsensical but not in the entertaining way I’d hoped. This feels more like an ordeal than an adventure to be honest, considering I have to think my way out of problems all the time. I’d have preferred to just relax and enjoy the place, but that’s hard when there’s not much to really see. Sure it’s interesting, but once the novelty wears off it’s just annoying.” I answer honestly. “I know you have family here, but with all the crap you have to deal with just to stay alive, it isn’t exactly that great of a tourist attraction.”

“Yeah, the Tourism Trail is a lot more fun, but it’s only for ‘main characters’, whatever that’s supposed to mean.” Pinkie says. “Apparently, they’ve set it up because of a prophecy of somepony who’ll come in and define aaaall of Wunderland once and for all, but Idunno when or who that’s supposed to be.”

“So until Alice comes by, this place will just be random and nonsensical. At least, moreso than it will be.” I surmise. “Too bad we aren’t main characters.”

“Who’s Alice?” Pinkie asks, cocking her head as she walks.

“Alice. The girl who is the main character for the Wonderland books by Lewis Carroll. She’s a human girl who comes to Wonderland a few times and has various adventures with the places and creatures in Lewis’ poems.”

“You mean Blueish?”

“I mean the human versions of the books. Written by Lewis. He wasn’t a pony, and neither is Alice. In fact the only pony-like creature in the human Wonderland novels and poems was a unicorn who did battle with a lion.”

“A unicorn battling a lion? That sounds like a mean lion or a mean unicorn.” Pinkie says.

“Well, it’s the lion who’s mean if you ask the unicorn, and the unicorn who’s mean if you ask the lion. They’re on opposite sides after all.”

“I guess.” Pinkie says, sounding unhappy with the answer. “But if they’re both so similar, why not be on the same side?”

“Well, it’s like a big board game. The book Through the Looking-Glass identifies the Lion as the Red King's rook and the Unicorn as the White Queen's knight. They are therefore enemies and will fight. Their shared goal is to... uh... I forget, actually. I can’t remember what they were fighting over but it was a position or an object.”

“Oh, well, if they were from the Chessboard, that makes sense. Granny Pie always said to avoid the chessboard at all costs.”

I nod in agreement. “It’s a game of bitter combat after all. Strategy, but also rather brutal in nature.”

Pinkie shudders. “It’s no game here.” Her words and tone are solemn, and I nod again. I look up to Cadence who hasn’t spotted anything yet. Or if she has she hasn’t said anything.

Sighing, I continue to walk over the uneven ground, pausing when I see a chunk of rock with some symbols on it. Probably writing of some kind if it’s part of the book-stone cliff. I inspect the stone but I can’t read the inscription. I hand it to Twilight. “Can you read this?”

Twilight stops and turns around, picking up the fragment and looking it over, her magic letting her rotate it fully. “Huh, it looks like ancient Yakyakistani glyphs... It’s not a language I’ve studied much, but I can look it over when we get back home.” She says, going to tuck it into a saddlebag, before remembering she doesn’t have one anymore. “Uh, could you hold onto this?” She asks me hopefully.

I stick it in the satchel with my remaining coal. It should be safe in there until we can translate it. For now, we just keep following Cadence along the cliff. Finally, she starts circling, and waves us over as she goes in for a landing. “Found something?” I ask when she is within speaking range. “Is it the Gate?”

“No, it’s the entrance to a cave. I think it goes straight through.”

“Better than nothing.” I say and gesture for Cadence to lead the way to the cave. She shows us the way in, ducking down as she does; the tunnel is only about five feet in diameter, completely dark, and very claustrophobic. As well, there’s easily visible layers in the stony ‘books’ cementing the idea of pages, though each one is nearly an inch thick. I walk into the tunnel, ducking just a bit to fit in the circular area and spark up, bathing the nearby area in the steely blue-gray glow of my semi-translucent skin.

Twilight and Cadence have their horns lit, too, and there’s a lantern hanging from the curl of Pinkie’s mane, meaning we’re all able to see this time. This time? I shake the weird thought out of my head. Either way, we continue into the cave, though looking at the shape, it seems more like a tunnel. Like it had been carved out... sort of. It’s not smooth, but it’s definitely been dug in some fashion. There’s hundreds of odd, spiralling marks running along the circumference of the tunnel. We continue along until there’s no sign of the entrance’s light anymore, meaning we’ve gone deep enough that we are our only sources of light. It’s also very quiet. No cave noises at all, except the sounds of our footsteps.

As we walk along, we find that the cave is slowly expanding, until Pinkie slips and falls, sliding into a side-passage partially, yelping in pain. I turn to see why and see that there’ stony fibers along the edges of these layers in a way reminiscent of paper that’s been pulled apart roughly, or chewed apart or something.

Okay, the lack of any sounds or vibration, little to no light, circular caves with chew marks? “I know where we are now.” I say quietly. I shake off another wave of Deja Vu as I explain that “We’re in a worm’s tunnel system. A really really big worm.”

“Wh-what kind of worm would live in giant... uh oh.” Twilight says, and the realizations hits all of us more or less at the same time. The entry in the bestiary for bookwurms is one of the less complete ones, but does mention that they are almost insanely territorial. It also means we’re definitely in the Petrified Shelves area, one of the few places with a set location.

So, y’know, good and bad news.

I take a deep breath and begin thinking of a plan should we encounter the wurm. Let’s see, normal earthworms are sensitive to light and sound so we should come up with a way to overload it’s senses. How do I make light? And I mean very bright light...

I pause my spelunking to think about my goal. I can glow, but that’s not enough. Hmmm... I’d need a giant lightbulb or something, but where would I find one around here? Maybe... I start pacing, getting my body in motion to help my thought process. “I can generate fire and electricity, neither of which are bright enough but...” The girls stop at my musing and turn to me.

“Uh, Anthony, Bookwurms aren’t afraid of light...”

I ignore them and continue my train of thought. Fire plus electricity... that results in heated electrons. When electrons are heated up they get excited and... that’s the inner workings of a very basic lightbulb. If I mix my fire and electricity together. I charge a bit of electricity in one finger and a flame on the tip of the other. I touch my index fingers together and get a spark, brighter than any light I’d created previously. “Hah! I can create light! And sure, they aren’t afraid of it, but they like the dark, right? I can blind one even if I can’t hurt it. That’s... uh...” Why am I getting more Deja Vu? Did something happen here in Wunderland and we already went through this but can’t remember... Either way I recall it working.

The three ponies all look at me, faces lit with a pale yellow glow. Or, wait... no, they’re looking past me, and I just realized nobody here is producing a yellow light, Pinkie’s lantern having fallen and broken when she fell.

I turn to face the light and see a huge, rounded head, with an angler-fish like lure coming off the front and glowing a bright yellow. A pair of eyes, surprisingly human in appearance, look at me from behind large, thick glasses. It gives a querying ‘Rowrf?’ As it looks at me.

“I’ve faced bigger, uglier, and meaner. I can take you easy. Turn around.” I say, self-assured of my ability to defeat the gargantuan invertebrate.

The bookwurm’s eyes narrow, taking exception to my attack, and its mouth begins to open, revealing row after row of circular teeth, including two up in the front-top that look like buck beaver teeth. Is it seriously planning to eat us? For once, I have a plan that I’m sure of working. Not quite sure how I know it’ll work, but it’s a plan in advance which is better than all my other encounters here in Wunderland.

The massive worm bunches back a bit, then begins to surge forward, and it feels like the world slows around me, adrenaline pumping through my system and my powers amping up my speed as far as it’ll safely go. The wurm moves towards me at high speed, but it looks like it’s barely moving at all.

I lunge back and charge several thousand volts of electricity in one hand and a fireball in the other. “Cover your eyes!” I cry to the girls as I clap my hands together into a double-fist and the reaction takes several seconds to my perceptions, but I release a bright, blinding flash, simulating what amounts to a military-grade flashbang with a single clap.

Time returns to normal speed, and the wurm recoils mid-lunge, and the sound echoes painfully in the enclosed tunnel and the wurm thrashes backward, making the stone all around rumble and creak violently, and the wurm begins to chew rapidly through the stone pages, tearing apart the rock with ease as it burrows away. As it slips away, it drops a book, practically throwing it at me.

I pick it up as a trophy and stick it in the satchel to read later. “And that’s what happens when you mess with an apex predator.” I reply, catching my breath and grinning. That was, finally, actually pretty easy and with no dangers. “Let’s get moving.” As if to make my previous thought a lie, the roof rumbles, and a loud, low crackling noise echoes through the stone. “Actually, let me rephrase that... let’s get moving fast.” I say, grabbing Twilight as Pinkie and Cadence both run beside me, the four of us booking it out of the caves, nearly tripping as the sounds of falling stone begin to catch up with us, until we leap out of the cave, the thunderous crashing of the collapsing cave coming to an end as a choking cloud of dust hazes over us.

I look around and sigh in relief. We made it, we’re somewhere other than where we went in. “Okay, now where do we go from here?” Pinkie asks and I set Twilight down to create the compass again.

Twilight casts the compass spell, and sighs as it takes a moment to orient in a direction. “That way.” She says, rather breathlessly, and I realize she had been screaming the whole time I ran... and that I’d been holding her backwards, facing the falling roof of the tunnel. Oops, ah well.

We follow the compass and my mood deteriorates at the thought of what would have happened had I not thought of how to create a light-based attack. We’d be worm food for a damn pun. With a sigh I feel more than ready to just go home and never come back here again.

We continue on as I think, until we finally come to a large clearing with a table in the midst of it, and the remains of what looks like a party at it. As well, there’s a group of... people, I suppose surrounding it. All of them are almost flat, rectangular, and all are vaguely humanoid. They’re also about eight feet tall, and have what at first looks like rank patches on their shoulders. Then I see that they’re numbers and symbols, one of them cups, another coins, and a third with swords.

What really gets me, though, is that these apparent soldiers seem to be arresting the group that had been using the table, including what looks like a man in a brightly colored coat and a top hat. The only thing off about the ‘man’ is that it appears to be made entirely of silvery metal, with a smooth metallic expanse in place of a face. And I can’t shake the feeling he’s looking at me.

“Card soldiers and the Mad Hatter I presume?” I say, making my presence known. I think about the card soldiers and try to recall what each ‘symbol’ represents. I know that spades are gardeners, clubs are soldiers, diamonds are courtiers, and hearts are members of the royal family... but I can’t understand the correlation of cups and coins and swords...

One in red, with a generally heart shaped upper torso and a head covered in a scarlet helm, also with a heart motif, steps closer. “Halt and identify yourself, intruder.” As the card speaks, the Hatter mumbles something, still giving me the feeling he’s staring at me.

“Anthony.” I say, introducing myself and thumbing the vorpal blade at my side. “And who are you calling an intruder? You look like the party-crashers here.”

“We are the soldiers of the Queen. We have been instructed to apprehend these criminals, to be judged and given punishment as decided by the Queen’s whims.” The soldier responds. “What is your purpose here?”

As he speaks, the Hatter moves forward a little, towards me. “Know you...” and I hear the sound of one of the girls stepping out of the bushes behind me.

“Halt and identify yours- Halt and identify yourself, intru- Halt and identify yourself, intruder.” At first,the card soldier’s stuttering speech makes no sense, until I peek over my shoulder and see that all three of the ponies have stepped into view.

He says it once for each new arrival. That must get old fast.

“We’re trying to get home.” I explain to the soldier, who ignores me, until the girls each introduce themselves. Then, he turns back to me, and asks for my purpose here, again. Jeez, these guys are like robots, but less interesting. I sigh and repeat my message about wanting to go home.

“Where is your home located?” The card soldier asks, turning to face me again.

“Through the Lookinglass Gate that leads to Canterlot.”

“Define ‘Canterlot’.” Eeyup, robots.

“Capital of Equestria, home of the princesses, also home to a bunch of rich snobs with their heads up their rears. Ring any bells?”

“I am not equipped with bells.” The card-bot responds, drawing another sigh from me.

“Just let us go, we’ll be on our way.”

The card considers that for several seconds. “Negative. You will be brought to the Queens for processing, on suspicion of alliance with outlawed individuals.” The spare cards begin to move to circle us, and I feel myself grow angry. We just want to move along, why can’t we just get out of this crazy place already?!

“Okay, you know what? No, fuck you. I’ve had enough of this place. I’m going home.” I go to push the card over. He’s big, but also very thin, he can’t have much balance.

The card makes a swipe at me with a sword I swear he wasn’t holding before, forcing me to dodge. “Hostile actions recorded. Lethal force allowed.” All of the card soldiers draw their weapons. Sigh...

I take the Vorpal blade and it homes in in the nearest card soldier, easily lopping off his neck. The card soldier topples, dead, and the Blade slots home in its sheathe, as the card soldiers all advance as one, targeting either me or one of the girls, all of whom look shocked and unprepared, though Cadence at least has presence of mind enough to begin charging her horn for something. I go to another card soldier and quickly dispatch it in the same way. “You know, you three could help me.” Cadence replies by summoning a blue shield around us, the Vorpal Blade pinging off it and falling to the ground outside the bubble.

“I meant help with killing them. What’s a shield gonna do, keep them out until it’s broken? Great plan.”

“I’m sorry, I married a soldier, I didn’t train as one!” Cadence snaps back, giving a pained wince as one of the soldiers swings a flail at the shield, sending cracks through it that heal moments later.

“Well don’t waste energy on something that traps us in place. That really limits our options.”

“The shield is mobile, but they’re too close, I can’t move them! Besides, I thought you were the one who likes fighting.” She says, the bubble shivering in place.

“Not with a figurative hand tied behind my back I don’t.” I clarify. “Screw it.” I phase out of the bubble shield and grab the vorpal blade before walking through the nearest card and solidify to deliver a leg sweep, knocking the card over. Their main disadvantage being their thin bodies and therefore low weight. I continue my attack on the downed card and take off its head with my Vorpal Blade, turning to the other cards who seem to have identified me as the biggest threat and easier target.

I proceed to mix the use of my Vorpal Blade with my powers and dispatch card after card, making quick work of each of them, though one calls out for assistance and more cards come filing into the clearing. “I can keep this up all day.” I point out to the attacking cards. “You better have something better than this.”

A sudden blow at my ankles sweeps me off my feet, and I see a long, shepherd's-crook like staff coming down at my head. I got to dodge but end up feeling something hit me in the back of the head and everything goes blurry and sideways. I try to get up but I feel another hit and-

Chapter 35

The area all around me is smooth, gleaming, white stone. I’m not sure what kind, because there’s no imperfections or changes, and there’s seemingly random bursts of clear crystals a few feet away as my eyes open.

“That... was not fair...” I mumble as I go to sit up. “Cheap shot...”

I hear some muttering nearby, along with a faint, but high-pitched, ringing noise at the edge of my hearing. As well, the side of my head hurts like nothing else, and I think my face tried to stick to the floor. I manage to sit up and get a better look at my surroundings, rubbing my ear which seems to be the source of the ringing.

All around are eye-searingly bright white surfaces, smooth, clean lines, and geometric shapes. The crystal clusters appear to be giving off light, but it’s hard to tell with how bright and reflective everything here is. Where am I?

“Greetings, traveller!” A powerful voice sweeps through the room, tearing at my headache. I’m still recovering from the amount of booze I drank, and now the head injury, and the voice surpasses every other painful thing I’ve ever endured.

“Keep it down, some of us are still recovering...” I mutter as I attempt to stand up, hands gingerly pressed to my ears.

“Ah, we apologize. Please, rise in our presence, and be greeted by the light!” The voice bellows, and it’s only a few decibels quieter.

I get to my feet and look around for the source of the voice. I prefer the darkness to blinding light and it’s starting to hurt my eyes badly. I can feel them watering slightly. “Could you turn down the light a bit?”

“What light? There is only the grandeur of the White Queen; no meagre light may illuminate my majesty of our own self!”

“You just said... oh screw it. So you’re the white queen, great. Whaddya want with me?”

“We are... unsure. The Red Queen was in control of the castle forces when your capture was completed! She did not believe our own forces would be capable of defeating hers, and delayed your judgement and execution, and now it falls under our purview instead!” Argh, still shouting...

“Look, shut up and speak like a normal person!” I say, wincing at the loud voice. “What am I doing here? Make up your mind.”

“You are here to have your fate decided by our most magnificent and munificent desires! And we believe... hmm... you shall enter into this day’s chess game! Yes, this is a most immaculate idea!”

Oh... the chessboard. Great. Also... munificent? I take it this is the stupid sort of royal who knows big words but not what they mean. Either way... the chessboard, great. “So what piece am I? I’m fine with anything but the King.”

“You shall be our most important and valued of pieces, which shall be most instrumentalized to our purpose! A pawn!” Glaring at the source of the light, I finally make out a white, equine shape in crystalline armor, with geometrically precise hair.

More friggin’ ponies, even in Wunderland... of course. Might as well get this over with. “So when does the game start?”

“In but a short time. We shall go to glorious battle, and preserve the castle for the forces of the Light! And of Order, and peace, and of goodness!” The Queen says, pride in every word.

“Yeah yeah, blah blah, you’re the good guys and the other side sucks Hitler’s balls, I get it. Just call me when I’m up.”

“It shall be so! And we shall keep your companions well secured, that they may be safe until the victory meal of tofu and healthy portions this evening when you win this battle for us! By use of our own brilliant and most efficacious tactical expertise, of course!”

The way this queen talks and boasts, I have the feeling I could beat her in a game of chess all by myself. Either way, it looks like it’s just waiting for the game to start for now. Looking around, I spot the only bits of color not fitting the area, those being the splotch of blood where my head had been, bits of hair and skin stuck in the dried mess. The other is a large pool of silver with a rather distinct top hat floating on it, inside of a large, mostly clear vase.

Shit... “What did you do to the Hatter? I mean, obviously you liquified him but... why?” Rather than answering, the light simply seems to vanish for the most part, and I turn, seeing that the White Queen had left. Turning back to the vase, I see that a humanoid head is forming from the mercury-like liquid, hat perched jauntily on top.

“I know you.” The faceless Hatter says.

“You wouldn’t be the first.” I say, recalling the Jabberwock knowing my real name. “So what’s going on? Aren’t you, y’know, dead?”

“I know you.” The Hatter repeats, moving close to the layer of crystal separating us, brim of the hat folding against the clear crystal. “You spoke to me, when we met. When we first met. Not last time, but the time before time before time before that. You circle your fate... but you are not the same this time. What is different?”

I’ll be honest, it sounds important and philosophical, but I have no idea what he’s talking about. “Yeah, uh, okay. So what’s up with you? Why are you in a vase?”

“Because it is an effective method of holding a being made of a liquid material. Also, it is more blue than any other color, and I’m not feeling the inspiration for a blue period.”

“Uh, okay. So what do you mean I’m different this time? Also, you’re the Mad Hatter right? You aren’t supposed to be an animate liquid... I mean, I get the mercury correlation but it still doesn’t make sense.”

“I am what I make things of. That is how the saying goes, right?” The Hatter replies. “As for this time, I mean something has happened differently. You aren’t the you you were when you were the you you were.”

I’d put money on my still being drunk if I wasn’t still in the land of messed-up wordplay. “Okay then, so I... time traveled?”

“I suppose that would be the most logical conclusion, but it is a tad silly. After all, we’re all already travelling through time, at a rate of one second per second. It’s rather amazing that we’ve all been able to coordinate how fast we endure time, especially since I don’t recall being invited to any meetings on the subject!”

Okay, this guy is nuts. He’s like one of those crazy drunkards who sounds like they’re saying something important and meaningful until you finally realize he’s just talking bullshit. Unfortunately I have nobody else to talk to, so... “Are you going to be playing chess as well?”

“I am unsure, to be entirely honest. Hmm, what a funny phrase! As if one might announce dishonesty.” The silvery humanoid figure raises a dripping hand to his non-existent lips in thought.

I figure maybe seeing if the Hatter is anything like the Hatter is in the books would put us on the same page. If he gives the right answer to his famous riddle, he’s the real deal. “So, I have a question. How is a raven like a writing desk?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter, and I have to admit, that was the answer he gave in the original books, word for word. “But then... you were the one who told me to say that.” He says, baffling me to no end. I never... wait, this is more of this time-manipulation bullshit. For all I know, I did talk to him in an alternate timeline that he’s aware of. And if I become aware of a separate timeline as well as this one I could end up as batshit as this guy is. I decide to save my sanity, what little Wunderland has spared that is, and end my conversation. I resign myself to silence as I wait for my position as a ‘pawn’ to be needed.

About an hour later, I suddenly find myself in a line of pawns on a massive, hexagonal grid set into the ground between two castles... no, the same castle, just in two locations. Gah, my headache is coming back just looking at that.

Nevertheless, I’m a pawn and so I’ll be moved eventually to at least make way for a piece behind me, and at most to ascend and become a much more powerful piece. In either case, the hexagonal spaces baffle me. How does one tell the difference between straight and diagonal movement like this?

I see one of the pawns move straight forward, followed by one on the far side... in red. Huh, not black and white then. White and Red are the colors, and that pawn ahead of me has just moved. A few turns later, and I feel a pressure in my legs, begging me to move forward a space.

I figure this is how you play Chess with sentient creatures as the pieces: make them want to move. But that’s not taking advantage of a pawn’s main ability to move two spaces from the starting position, if I’m to become a better piece like a rook or a bishop, I’ll need to get to the other side faster. I obey the urge to move forward and try to continue on to the second hexagon ahead of me. I stop short when my feet just... fail to move forward past the middle of the hexagon.

This isn’t fair, I know chess. Sure not hexagon chess but still I bet I’m a better player than the White Queen is. Secondly, if she’s the white queen... why would a piece be the main player? How do they see the board? This is stupid...” The last bit of my thought is spoken aloud and heard by the rest of the nearby ‘pieces’.

“The Queen is creating a defensive screen, Pawn.” I turn to look over my shoulder, and see that it’s a pony in crystal armor and sporting a long, clear spike of glassy material from one armored shoulder. A knight, I guess, though the pony is nearly as tall as my shoulders, making it rather large for a pony, though not as big as Celestia who is about a head taller than I am.

“I am not a defensive player, really. Pawns are meant to become better pieces not just act as cannon fodder.” I say to the knight. I’m gonna figure out how to break the psychic control of myself and do what I want. “I’d make a better queen anyways.”

“Perhaps you would’ve been better on the Red Side... or perhaps you are the Knave. We shall see, in time.”

“Whatever, horseface, I’m just trying to get home.”

“Then perhaps you should be less eager to spend your life on a risky gamble, Pawn.” the knight responds, then tenses and gallops off to a new position.

“Am I the only one who thinks the term ‘pawn’ isn’t as derogatory as its implications?” I ask the piece behind me to my right, another pawn.

“Pawns are as valuable as any piece.” The other pawn replies. “It is not a term of derision, nor of honor. Only the Queens bear worth above the others.”

“You don’t play much chess yourself, do you?” I ask rhetorically.

“I was born to it, actually.” The pawn says, and I get a better look at him. He appears to be a fairly normal pony, dressed in simple but impressive white scale mail armor. He doesn’t appear nervous or upset, standing stoically in place one hex behind me. On a square board, this would mean diagonally-moving pieces could slip between us, but on this hexagonal board, we’re a solid wall of defense, and can move up one space at a time safely... I can see the value of this strategy, but it’s too defensive, and it’s not going to get us any meaningful captures.

“Unless she moves the pawn to my other side two spaces and lets the Rook out...” I mutter to myself as I imagine a top-view of the board and mentally move pieces around. Even on this hexagonal board, I can see a way to win this in roughly twenty-five moves assuming the opponent is of similar strategy. “But the knight can’t be where it is yet, we’ve already screwed up. It would take another ten moves to rectify the issue.” I say aloud to myself as I think it over.

The pawn looks over at me, a confused look on his face. “How can you tell?” He asks, sounding puzzled.

“I play chess a lot. Granted the hexagon spaces are new to me but I have a pretty good idea of how this could all play out. It just takes a bit of strategy and thinking ahead. Of course if I had a better view of the whole board it would be even easier.” The pawn blinks uncomprehendingly. I sigh. “Nevermind.”

Returning my attention to the other side I stand and wait for further orders. Chess had never been this boring before, I can’t see what’s going on. More than a dozen turns later, I’m grinding my teeth down as the White Queen makes a series of bad moves that put her in a worsening position, eventually starting to send me and the other pawn forward, the one I hadn’t talked to already picked off by a piece I didn’t recognize that didn’t move to attack.

Still, I’m moving, and that’s progress... If the queen gets her head in the game I could end up a rook or bishop and totally dominate from the other side. It’s just down to hoping though.

My buddy is picked off by an enemy Knight, a large earth-pony in blood red, without any armor, just a long, bone-like spur of a lance jutting from its shoulder. Its helmet is the only armor it wears, the full-face covering decorated with small spikes and splashes of crimson that don’t quite match the pony’s fur. That said, that should put it in prime position for me to take it out. I so badly want to just run up there and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, but that’s up to the queen... ugh.

Instead, I’m urged to step forward, putting me one space away from the enemy’s home row, meaning I’m only a single move away from getting empowered... and suddenly I’m not being given any move at all, other pieces getting moved around me. Twenty turns or so later, there’s a sudden feeling of something important breaking, and everything comes clear as I realize that both Queens are next to me, one on either side. Both look down to me, and at the same time, command me to take the other.

“Uh, okay, which one do I take?”

“You are the knave, it is your decision.” The Red Queen says. “Whomever you choose to obey will win this round. You will, of course, be rewarded appropriately.” Her voice is almost seductive, and looking at her, I can see why. For a pony, she’s actually rather nice to look at, and appears to be an alicorn, all in shades of red. Instead of wings, though, she has a series of thin, bony things, like fingers growing from her back, thin bloodshot webbing giving them some amount of volume.

“And what sort of reward would that be?” I ask, looking to the White Queen who is, without her absurd light, a rather normal looking pony, very similar to Celestia in appearance but pure white all over. Her mane, unlike Red’s luxurious fall of black cherry-colored hair, is short and carefully kept, all angular lines and precision, like Twilight’s mane taken to the logical extreme. She’s also more angular than her curvy comparator.

“I will give you any one thing you need most. As well, I am the embodiment of order and good!” She says, smiling triumphantly, as if that last part would win me over.

“And I will give you one thing that you most want. And whatever she says, she’s wrong about what she’s the embodiment of. She’s the avatar of stagnation and insipid idiocy run rampant.” Red says, whispering huskily to me.

“Well, what I need and want is to go home, so technically, assuming neither of you are lying, I could get what I want from both of you, making my choice not matter.” I say, always being one to create a third option, if one is not given. “What happens if I take neither of you?”

“You can’t not choose either of us.” White says. “You are a piece here, as much as either of us. And if the game runs too long... we will all be replaced, yourself included.”

“So we all want to win, and that means taking one of you. So who can give me my way back to Equestria?”

“Whoever wins.” Red says. “That is who will have the power of the Castle at their whim until the next game, tomorrow.”

I think about that. “So in other words it doesn’t matter who I pick, I’m going home either way.”

“No, it does matter. If you pick me, I can bring peace and happiness to anywhere in my control!” White says, stepping towards the edge of the space I’m on.

“Peace? Ha! More like boredom. I can throw a feast in your honor if you side with me, and send you safely on your way come morning.”

“I can throw a feast, too, and it’ll be healthy! I can get you to Equestria before the night is over!”

“I’m able to give him what he desires and a way back!”

“What I give him will help him be a better person!”

“Well, I can-”

“Shut up!” I yell, quieting the fighting. “Jeez, you are like the lion and unicorn, only you aren’t beating each other up, and one isn’t obviously winning...” The queens stare at me. “Look, I don’t need food so a feast would be purely for indulgence, also I fail to see how healthy food makes me a better person. The way I see it, Red is giving the better offer, but since I’m fair I can give both of you a chance.” I turn to White. “So go ahead, appeal to me. Why should I pick you? And no bickering.”

“With the power of the Castle, I can give you what you need. What this is yet, I do not know, but it will benefit you in the long run. I can also guarantee you safe passage to the nearest Lookinglass Gate, and ensure that you arrive as soon as is safely possible. I’ll also pack you some healthy snacks for the journey!” She says.

I nod. “Uh huh... And what else?” The second part is aimed at Red.

“I can grant you, with the power of the Castle, something you want more than anything else, though I don’t yet know what that is. And I will grant you safe passage come morning, to the nearest Lookinglass Gate. And tonight, I will throw you a feast, and entertain you as best as my considerable power will allow. You will have the pick of pleasures from a dozen different worlds~” she trails off the ‘s’ with what I assume is a seductive noise, but I’m not personally interested in her.

I weigh the options. On one hand I get health food and something I absolutely need. On the other hand... Well, pleasures from a dozen worlds has many implications, on top of what I want the most...

“Alright, I’m picking Red. Seriously White, you’re way too straight and narrow to come up with a good deal.”

“I- but you’ll need it! I promise!” However, her last-minute pleas don’t really sway me, and I step towards her with intent to ‘take’... whatever that entails, likely me killing her Wizard Chess style. The moment I step onto her tile, though, she simply fades away, looking utterly crushed.

“That... was incredibly anticlimactic.”

Red runs one of those creepy bone-finger things under my chin. “You made a good choice. Now, let’s rearrange things a little, and get this really started!” She says, two of the bony tendrils coming together and making a noise like snapping fingers, and the entire area shifts, and we’re riding on a parade float towards the castle, a scarlet-colored woman -not a pony, but a humanoid- lounges next to me, dressed in a long, flowing gown of near-black material, her blood red eyes focused on the crowd all around the long avenue rather than on me.

Hell of a reception for the win, that’s for sure.

After the float ride, which ends with some fireworks that are just barely visible in the sky, we enter the castle I assume I was in earlier, though the white ‘angular’ look is replaced with flying columns and gold-trimmed scarlet and burgundy fixtures everywhere. There’s red potted plants, whose leaves are shaped like hearts, potted roses climbing some of the columns, and red candles on near-black candlesticks and chandeliers made of black iron.

It actually looks pretty cool, and there’s actual carpet in here, which is even better, because those solid stone floors were extremely uncomfortable just to look at, let alone kneel or sit on. The Red Queen, still looking humanoid, walks down the halls like she’s perfectly at home in them, and there’s suits of blood-red armor standing at attention on stands in the alcoves on the walls. There’s servants galore, from a half dozen species or so, all of them dressed in or colored red, and wearing scarlet masks. They all bow to me and the Queen, stepping out of our ways.

Now this I could get used to. And it’s going to last the rest of today and all of tonight? That coupled with what I was told was being provided, I finally feel absolutely happy about my not needing to sleep at all.

“Now, I received word that there’s some kind of prisoners in the castle. I haven’t been told why, I figure they could make a decent stew between them, or perhaps something else would be a better recipe. Have you any suggestions? A decent centerpiece for the feast would be lovely, and I normally don’t have anything to give me good suggestions.”

I think for a moment before my memory passes back to one special meal I had a long time ago at a special event. “A pig. A whole pig, cooked on a spit to the point that the meat falls off with but a touch and melts in your mouth like chocolate.”

“That sounds delicious~! I’m sure the little pink one would make an excellent substitute for a pig!” The Queen says, clapping her hands delightedly as my brain stalls on the meaning of her response.

Little pink one could mean anything, but I get the feeling that she means Pinkie, as it’s likely that the prisoners are the ponies I came here with. “Ah, if you can’t get a real pig I’d settle for a wild boar... I’d rather you don’t serve my friends. I’d also like the prisoners released into... uh, my custody. They may participate in the feast.”

“Oh, piffle... fine, be that way.” She says, waving her hand absently. A pair of wings, built like the tendril-things on her pony form reach up, twisting into hands and snapping their ‘fingers’ as we enter the feasting hall, the three ponies and the vase containing the Hatter all appear on chairs around the massive table.

And really, the table is big enough to easily seat three or four hundred beings, and the vaulted ceiling is big enough that the roof isn’t visible, shrouded in darkness from being too far from the light sources a ‘mere’ fifteen feet up. I take a look at the current ‘spread’ and see a boar, which must’ve been big enough to get mistaken for a VW Bus before its legs came off, an apple big around as a hubcap in its mouth sitting in the center of the table, smaller pigs further down the line. The center of said table has a notable bit of extra width to it, with space for a large, throne-like seat, and a smaller one beside it, presumably for me. There’s also bowls big enough to swim in heaped with mounds and mounds of mashed potatoes, cheese covered somethings, dumplings in stew pots, and even vegetarian options, such as bowls of roses, marinara-covered pasta bowls, piles of sandwiches of numerous designs and toppings, and everything from olive-based puddings to some sort of omelette made with onions and peppers and other things that I think are multi-colored mushrooms. There’s bread of all kinds, stacks of fried veggies, three different types of soup (all reds) and shish kebabs adorned with a bewildering array of edible items. And judging by the lack of dessert items (that pudding looks bready) this is only the first course.

I grin widely at the ponies who are slack-jawed, and even Cadence, a princess with likely access to pretty extravagant meals, is looking bowled over. I saunter into the room and take my seat in the slightly smaller throne and go to fill up a plate. A servant steps over and scoops whatever I point at onto a plate and sets it before me.

“Finally, something with absolutely no downsides.” I say as I gesture for the others to eat, though they stay stunned for a good long while.

Cadence is the first to recover, and follows suit, pointing with a wing and getting what she asks for, saying polite ‘thank you’s to each servant as they assist her, and Twilight recovers next. Pinkie finally picks her jaw off the floor and joins in, gathering up food to eat while she can.

It feels good to be the winner... I take a slice of the centerpiece and, as I asked for mere moments ago, it positively melts in my mouth.