Author's Notes:

SCHTAP! SCHTAP IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA, NON-RARIDASH/RAINITY SHIPPER!
YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A MINE FIELD OF POST-S5 E15 RARIDASH FANFICTION! PROCEED WITH CATION, AND WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU CAN TURN BACK AT ANY SECOND.
THANK YOU.

As of now, I can't work out whether I'm feeling ill because I'm on a train or because of what I did last night.

It's only quarter past six in the morning, so I did eat breakfast pretty recently. I probably shovelled it down too quick because I woke up so close to the time the train I needed to catch was due to leave.

Originally, I had planned to just fly to Cloudsdale. I don't own much so it wouldn't have been difficult for me to carry all my possessions to my new home. Even with my most-likely-still-snoozing tortoise on my back, I would've been able to arrive there in good time and with a good night's rest.

Serves me right, though.

I yawn for the gazillionth time since I got up. Cursing myself for getting up so early, I rub my eyes -- even though this just clouds my vision. For a fragment of a second, I hope that this'll finally put my back to sleep, but as the lights flicker once again I know that it won't.

Artificial light is always kinda crap at this time of day, because half the unicorns who help make the electricity are still snoring their hooves off in bed.

I feel my heart wrench as a particular unicorn comes to mind -- though her job isn't to work with the electricity. Nope, she's a seamstress. The finest seamstress in Equestria, if you ask me, even though I really don't give a damn about fashion.

"Rarity," I try to whisper, but it comes out as an unintelligible croak.

As the train comes to a halt, I eye the doors that are now open and serving as a possible gateway back to Ponyville. This isn't the first time today I've mentally debated over whether I should choose Rarity or the Wonderbolts --

Chug, chug, chug.

-- nor is it the first time I've been unable to rightly choose one over the other.

Sometimes, I wonder how Rarity and I ever came to be. I've always thought she's gorgeous but I knew -- or thought I knew -- she was only attracted to stallions, so I stopped myself from letting it get further than admiration, since we didn't really like each other as equines and I didn't want to develop a crush on a pony who I didn't get along well with.

That turned out horribly back at flight camp. Honestly, as if bully-has-a-crush-on-their-victim clichés weren't bad enough...

But I digress.

We went on mutually disliking each other, throwing snarky, sarcastic, unnecessary comments at one another whenever a problem seemed to be our fault. I think maybe she started to respect me a little more when I came out to her and the rest of my friends -- save Fluttershy, as she already knew -- and I did the same in return, but I dunno.

After a while however, I actually began to like her. Not in that way, might I add: I just started to see that there was more that was attractive about her than just her curvy figure.

Then came the day that she went more than out of her way to prove me innocent about the whole Wind Rider framing me thing. I distinctly remember that when she put all the pieces of evidence together -- and didn't shove how unsupportive of her methods I was right back in my face --, I was hit by this gigantic bomb of attraction that I didn't expect in the slightest.

I ignored it, telling myself I was just getting turned on by my friend -- it wouldn't've been the first time. And then I talked to her after the performance and I realised that I was crushing on her, and I was crushing hard.

One would expect that I kept it a secret. Yep, well you're wrong: I got drunk as hell at the party held after the gardens' opening. It took me...I think...five minutes or something to decide that walking up to Rarity and making out with her was the best thing to do in the world. I mean, it was, but I wouldn't do it when sober.

Probably.

I visited paradise for roughly three second until she shoved me off. I swore at her, 'cuz it made no fucking sense at the time. She told me -- shit, she told me it was time for me to go home, and my mind basically went wheee! Sex! and I followed her to the train station like an ignorant puppy.

I faintly remember trying to set the mood by being somewhat sexy, but...ugh. I'm so damn ashamed of how I acted that night.

The thing is...I woke up the next morning in Carousel Boutique with no recollection of how I go home. Of course, that could've just been my hangover. I didn't get up. I spent the day with a throbbing headache, slipping in and out of consciousness. One time somepony -- Rarity -- had left me some aspirin and a glass of water while I was asleep.

Eventually, I felt like an equine again. Rarity came in and saw I was awake. I don't remember specifically what happened, but I know my mouth transformed into an apologetic waterfall for a while, but Rarity was ridiculously cool about the whole thing. Maybe she'd been mulling over it throughout the day or something.

Then she fucking asked me out on a date. It was probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Or, y'know: the worst.

Six months ago, that was. It was so long but looks so short in hindsight. And now she's never gonna speak to me again.

I doubt I'll ever be able to forget her immediate reaction. Cerulean eyes wide, unblinking as they were involuntarily invaded by tears. She yelled at me, properly yelled at me for the first time since we started dating.

I'm glad there's no one else in the carriage, because just thinking about it is making my eyes sting -- no, wait: I can feel a tear running down my cheek. The same thing happened when she decided to almost literally kick me out of the house.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't actually enjoy hurting others. I've never hurt a pony as much as I hurt Rarity last night -- and good goddess it hurt like hell in return.

I kinda wish I could've talked to her. I don't know -- and may never completely discover -- exactly how she felt, because 1) I'm not as sensitive as she is about finding The One -- even though for a while I thought she might be --, and 2) As a result of having never fallen in love before, I've never been broken up with.

I have a feeling Rarity knew something was off yesterday when I came to her house to pick her up, because I arrived at her house on time. This has never, ever, ever happened.

Perhaps she had visited Applejack and unintentionally gotten the earth pony to spill something? I dunno. She didn't bring it up at any point.

With her hoof in mine, I took her to the restaurant where I planned to break her heart. We went inside, which I found unbelievably difficult, and then I found out she had booked us a freaking table.

Ending things on a date is one thing, but doing it after she paid extra, just so we could definitely have a place? I'm the one who's supposed to do that sort of thing, for pony's sake.

It reminded me that while I do did mostly play 'the stallion's roles' in our relationship, I am still a mare and she is too. We are were not a hetero couple, and Rarity knew it.

So as we sat down and I looked at her in the candlelight, something smacked me right across the face: I still love her. If I deliberately broke her heart, I would be deliberately breaking mine as well.

I guess I had somehow convinced myself that if I wasn't on the receiving end of the breakup, then it wouldn't hurt me. I would be that insensitive jerk that everyone is supposed to hate in a movie.

But I wasn't. I cared about this mare, and I still do; it still hurts, just like I knew it would.

And then I realised something: who said I had to end it right away? I could make the most of our last evening together -- of course I could!

I shoved everything out of my mind for the time being. I felt the weird sensation of falling in love with being in love. We ate, talked, laughed, kissed, payed and left(in no particular order). Everything was perfect and just as it should be for our last few hours as Equestria's awesomest couple.

I just remember holding her; holding the world as I looked up at the sky, and then before I knew it I was back in Carousel Boutique, gleefully letting Rarity pin me to her mattress. If I had snapped out of it any later than that precise moment, I wouldn't've been able to pull myself out of the bliss that would've followed.

Who would've thought: Rainbow Dash chose sense over sex.

Part of me wishes that I had let it happen, just so I could make love to her for the last time -- and be aware that it was The Last Time. It would've been kinda awesome. Scratch that; it would've been heavenly.

Y'know, I probably could've rescheduled the date I was going to move house. I could've told her today, and let it sink in or something before I left.

That's what I did with the rest of my besties -- but with them I wasn't saying goodbye. Twilight volunteered to organise the dates and times where we could all meet up.

I didn't tell them I was going to break up with Rarity. I can't believe none of them asked, and I'm content with that. Otherwise Twilight would currently be busy scheduling inconveniently timed tasks on my free days right now instead of meet ups.

Shit. Don't ask me why this just occurred to me now, but...I'm the goddamn Element of Loyalty. What happens if Equestria needs saving? We'd be totally screwed. Yep, I've single-hoofedly doomed Equestria. I laugh. It's not funny, but it is.

No, no actually it isn't. Dammit.

We bought rings. One day, I got her up reeeeeally early, all excited, and I took her to our local jewellery shop. Marriage had somehow slipped its way into casual conversation and for whatever reason I thought it'd be cool to buy rings for each other; we had both agreed that if one of us were to propose, the other would too.

That was one of the things I loved about us. Take a look at another couple, any other couple; they fuss over their first sex, first 'I love you's, who's moving in with who, marriage, the lot. Rarity and I...we've always talked about it. She can't move into my house 'cuz her shop is on the ground. Our first time sleeping with one another kinda just...happened, at some point, and that same night we said we loved each other.

For now, I still love her. My heart is still screaming itself hoarse in an attempt to get me to turn my ass around and head back to where it should be. But if we had a long-distance relationship and a full time job for each of us to deal with, we'd fall apart.

I'm not trying to make it seem like what I did was a good thing. I can't justify breaking her heart in any way other than 'I had to', and even then I'd be lying if I said it felt right in my head.

I fucking broke her heart. Hold on, let me say it out lo -- "I FUCKING BROKE HER HEART!" I scream, feeling the mild pain of beginning to cry.

I'm a fucking jerk. Rarity has a need to be loved by someone, as most mares do, and I just tore a chance of that traditional happiness away from her.

The worst part is that I knew what I was doing. I knew that she saw a brilliant and bright future with me; I knew that I would tear her heart to shreds when I left. And I still went through with it.

Next stop is Cloudsdale. I wipe my eyes, and force myself to look forward to it. Not because I want to, but because I need to; I have to.

This is my future, after all. The one I've always s dreamed of. The one every pegasus dreams of.

The one without Rarity in it.