Author's Notes:

Warning: The start may be a bit cliché but don't worry. It gets much, much better later on.

3 Hours later

With a groan I open my eyes and get up from the dirt. My eyes see a very cartoony forest a few meters in front of me. Wait... When did I get to a forest? I don't remember this. I look around and see trees with creepy faces. Well, this is going on my top 10 list of weirdest wakeups. I get up into a standing position and trying to take off my helmet. My hand comes into contact with real, honest to god metal.

"Holy shit!" I yell. Wait. Why do I sound like Church? No. Please don't tell me.

'Memory is the key.'

"Who said that?" Great. I must be going crazy.

'Just try to remember.' Hesitantly, I think back to the last thing I remember. And I hear the merchants evil laughter.

"Son of a! He sent me to another planet?!" You are probably wondering how I came to this conclusion. Well the first thing might be that Earth didn't have these unrealistic textures. What the fuck has my life become?! The second is that there are wooden wolves circling me. Timberwolves? Seriously? If I was suicidal I would shoot myself right now... I reach for my side, hoping to come in contact with the grip of a gun or something I can use to defend myself. Instead my fingers graze the handle of an energy sword.

I should be reacting with emotion but it almost feels as if I lost all feeling or care, right now it's just do or die. Time to kill me some wolves.

"Let's see if this works." I mutter. I squeeze the energy sword a bit harder and twin blue energy blades form where air used to be.

One of the Timberwolves immediately lunges at me as soon as the sword flashes. I sidestep and cut it in half with the energy sword, setting it on fire. The other wolves immediately flee as soon as that happens.

"Yeah! That's right you mothers! Run!" As they disappear from sight. Try to find an exit to the forest. Luckily for me I was close to its edge. I deactivate my sword and put it back into it magnet on my side thigh.

When I look up again I see something that made me scared. A village, fully of horses. Colorful horses with wings or horns or neither. Some were moving clouds or others were just walking around. I do the only rational thing I can think of. I walk closer to see if I'm crazy or not. As I approach the conversations of most of the miniature horses go silent and they all gawk at me. I ignore this and keep walking ahead. This causes them all to run into their houses, lock the doors, close the windows (Why did they leave them open in the first place?) and shut the blinds. I just keep walking until a... treehouse??? Whatever. A treehouse comes into view.

"Hello? Anyone home?!" I yell.

Suddenly a rainbow coloured blur tackles me to the ground. Or at least that what's would have happened if my armor didn't weigh half a ton. Instead the blur ends up knocking itself out by rocketing into me. As it slumps to the ground, I get a better look. A cyan Pegasus mare with a rainbow coloured mane and tail lay on the grass.

I slowly try to back away but I suddenly can't move. There was a purple field around me for a split second until I could move again.

"NOPONY HURTS MY FRIENDS!" A canary yellow pegasus mare with a pink mane says as she looks into my very soul with the stare™. Again that's what would have happened if I had a soul. Yeah I know, it surprised me to. What really happened is she stops staring at me and backs away in fear while whimpering.

All of a sudden a bright golden flash of light and then a horse with both wings and a horn looks at us and then focuses on me before roaring.

"YOU WILL NOT HURT MY SUBJECTS."

"I DIDN'T DO FUCKING SHIT! THAT BLUE BITCH FLEW INTO ME AND KNOCKED HERSELF OUT WHILE THE YELLOW ONE TRIED TO STARE INTO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST!" I retort very loudly by using the speakers in my helmet and increasing the volume times ten. To be honest, I'm not even sure how I did that. It must have been the anger. Makes the best of us able to do things we don't understand sometimes.

The white alicorn winces in shock and four new ponies walk out of the library with their hooves over their ears. She turns her attention from me to the orange mare without wings or a horn. "Is this true Applejack?" She asks hesitantly.

"Yes Princess. Ah saw it myself. When this here critter walked over and scared away all the ponies Rainbow Dash thought he might have done something so she flew towards him before ah could stop 'er."

"I am not a critter." I say testily. The white alicorn 'princess' turns her gaze back to me and glares again.

"What are your intentions here?" She asks sternly.

"Intentions?!" I fall to the floor laughing my ass off. "Are you kidding me? I got sent here by some evil guy dressed as the merchant from Resident Evil 4. I have no intentions but to figure out what now."

Everypony just stares at me strangely.

"What happened?" Rainbow Dash groans as she gets up. She looks up slowly before hey eyes rest on my faceplate. "YOU!" She screams before she tries to charge again. Celestia holds her in place with her magic.

"I'm getting the fuck out of here." I about-face and try to move away before Celestia levitates me back over to her.

"No you will not. I'm afraid you are going to have to be monitored by the Elements of Harmony until you are no longer deemed a threat."

I stare at her for a second before turning into my AI ghost white spartan form and exiting the suit of armor. "And why should I do that? How would you know if I'm a threat or not? What makes you think you can just control others? Huh?!" I ask, drawing gasps from some of the ponies who decided it was finally safe to leave their houses.

"Because if you do, I will let you leave unbothered."

"Ugh, fine. But if you or anyone else do something they regret, I will become an actual threat." I get back into the armor, resigned. The Princess laughes as if I just told a funny joke and the aura around me disappears.

"Twilight Sparkle I hereby assign you and your friends the duty of watching over..." Celestia looks at me again questioningly.

"Church..." I sigh.

"-Church and making sure he isn't a threat to the populace." What that she teleports away leaving me with six very curious ponies.