By the time the paramedics managed to get Snips and Spike out of the house and inside the ambulance, a small crowd had already formed around them. It was amazing how professional they could look while having ruffled manes and faces full of lipstick. Maybe that mare in the library was right, Pumpkin Cake thought as she looked at them. That uniform did look a little sexy.

“I can’t believe the answer was inside Featherweight all along,” Diamond Tiara muttered as they all watched the lights of the ambulance disappear into the horizon. “It’s so obvious in hindsight.”

“But we’ll never make the same mistake again,” Dinky said, nodding wisely, her forelegs around Sweetie Belle and Rumble’s shoulders. “We have learned many things today.”

“Oh, yeah?” Rumble shook her off. “Name one.”

“Weeeell, let me just…” Dinky squinted and licked her lips as she peered through the small crowd around them. Everypony was talking about Spike and the mysterious yet weirdly aphrodisiacal mummy. “HEY! RUBY PINCH!” She pointed at the mare, who looked at her with hopeful eyes. “I JUST HAD AN AMAZING TIME! AND YOU WEREN’T INVITED!”

The hope in those eyes got crushed. “OH MY GOSH, WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT?! YOU’RE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!”

“There.” Dinky turned to Rumble as Ruby Pinch ran away, crying her eyes out. The crowd opened up to let her past. “We just learned that, for example.”

“One day, somepony will beat you up so hard, Dinky,” Rumble said. “And it will be a fine day.”

“Probably. Tonight, however, I need to harvest the fruits of my labor.” Dinky winked at them all and walked away, following Ruby. “So if you excuse me…”

They all stared at her with varying levels of disgust until she turned a corner and went out of sight.

Sweetie Belle was the first one talking. “I can’t believe I had sex with her.”

“I don’t know,” Diamond Tiara said, frowning. “I mean, they’re happy in their own way.”

“…No.” Pumpkin Cake tapped DT on the shoulder. “No, they’re not. They—that’s not a happy couple, Diamond Tiara.”

“Yeah,” Rumble said. “That’s just—oh, hey, Lemon Daze!”

The yellow mare popped out of the crowd and hugged her boyfriend. “Rumble! Where were you? I’ve been looking for you for hours! Hi, girls.”

“Hi, Lemon Daze,” they all replied.

“Oh, you won’t believe it!” Rumble said, smiling widely. “It was so wild. I spent like twenty minutes alone with Pound Cake—he even carried me on a flight!—and I did nothing to him because I love you that much, babe.”

“Oh my gosh!” Lemon Daze covered her mouth with a hoof. “That is so sweet!”

“I know!”

“It must have been so hard!”

“It was!”

They hugged, eyes closed, and the whole group just stared at them with varying levels of disgust.

“You want me to ask him for a threesome, don’t you.”

“SWEET BABY CELESTIA, LEMON DAZE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!”

“Hah. See?” Sweetie Belle elbowed Diamond Tiara as Rumble and Lemon Daze flew away, lost in a conversation about the many ways they would test Pound Cake’s stamina. “That is a happy relationship.”

“Yes.” Diamond Tiara’s face was the one of a kid who just saw her mother give the best present ever to the stupid cousin. “I hate them so much.”

“Hey, you don’t need to go that far to find something to hate.” Pumpkin pointed down, at the space right next to their hooves. “I mean, look.”

“Oh, yeah.” Diamond Tiara made sure not to look where Pumpkin was pointing. “Silver Spoon.”

Indeed, Silver Spoon. And Twist, now that we’re at it. Both were still on the floor, tangled like two wrestling octopi, making “mmpf” and “slurp” and “hfff” noises.

“They’re getting a little steamy, aren’t they?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Let them be,” Diamond Tiara said. “Silver Spoon has planned this moment for months.”

“I like it!” Pumpkin Cake smiled. “We can call them Twisted Spoon!”

“Kid, you’ve spent way too much time with Rumble.” DT frowned and looked behind Pumpkin Cake. “Hey, what’s that thing you’ve got there?”

“This?” Pumpkin showed it to her. “Dinky made it! I’m just borrowing it for a while.”

“Girls.” Sweetie Belle patted them both on the shoulder and pointed at Silver Spoon and Twist. “We should move them away.” She lowered her head, and her horn glimmered with a green light. “Pumpkin Cake? A little help?”

“Right!”

With Sweetie Belle and Pumpkin Cake’s magic, they managed to move the Twisted Spoon away from the door and to the hall. The busy couple didn’t seem to notice it when they were laid on top of the sofa.

“Well, that takes care of that,” Sweetie Belle said, moving a second seat right next to the sofa and sitting on it. “This way at least they have a little more privacy.”

“Yeah!” Pumpkin said. She got a chair. “They’ll be so thankful.”

Diamond Tiara opted for a lounge, and made sure she was taking as much space as physically possible while sitting on it. “They will. I mean, hey, at least somepony got a happy ending.”

“You’re still upset about Apple Bloom?” Sweetie Belle asked, making a pout. “Come on, it’s not that bad!”

“It is bad, and today is my birthday, so I have all the reasons to be upset!” Diamond Tiara said, crossing her legs. “And Apple Bloom is being an idiot!”

“Speaking about her,” Pumpkin said, “where is she? I haven’t seen her in forever, and—”

“Right behind ya!”

The three mares turned around. Twisted Spoon didn’t, though—they were too busy testing each other’s gag reflex.

Apple Bloom, Babs Seed, and Pound Cake were walking through the door to the hall, all smiles and gleaming eyes, their coats clean and fresh. It would be impossible to describe how they looked without using the word ‘joyous’, and Apple Bloom in particular had a surprisingly bouncy walk. “Heya!” she said, waving. “Guess who just dry-humped DT’s pillow like crazy!”

“OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!”

“Woah.” Pumpkin looked at the three ponies—her brother was in the middle, looking proud, and Babs was blushing. “Seriously? You three went and…?”

“Hey.” Apple Bloom sat on Diamond Tiara’s lounge, pushing her aside unceremoniously. “It ain’t incest if Pound’s there.”

Babs got even redder. “…It ain’t straight if Apple Bloom’s there.”

Pound just smiled. “My life’s so awesome.”

“Wait.” Pumpkin looked at her brother as he got a chair of his own. “So you were getting laid while we were busy saving the day? That’s not fair!”

“Pumpkin,” Apple Bloom said. “He’s always getting laid.”

“Still doesn’t make it fair!”

“If it is of any consolation,” Pound said, sitting down and flexing his—wide, soft, gorgeous—wings, “those two were pretty busy double-teaming that pillow. I mostly watched.”

Diamond Tiara glared daggers at Apple Bloom. “You are disgusting.”

“Aw, don’t give me that.” Apple Bloom returned the glare with a smile. “Don’t you see anythin’ different?” She pointed down at her back. “We were busy doin’ more things than your pillow, y’know.”

Diamond Tiara frowned, but looked. “What are you talking ab—oh!” Her eyes went wide. “You cut your tail!”

A chuckle. “Eeyup. Well, Babs did. She’s got scissors as a cutie mark, doesn’t she?”

“But why?!”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “’Unno. The bottle didn’t break, but it did knock Spike out, so Ah figured you won that one.”

Diamond Tiara leaned against Apple Bloom, chest pressed against her side. Her eyes were twinkling, almost audibly. “Does that mean you didn’t… do anything else?”

“What? Heavens, no. We also had sex with Pound Cake.”

“Yeah,” Pound Cake said. “They did.”

“So much sex,” Babs agreed.

“At first they had some doubts, but then I squatted them into submission.”

“Yeah, he does power through everythin’. Why do you think Ah was walkin’ funny?”

Diamond Tiara leaned back, her eyes untwinkling. “Oh,” she said, her voice cold as ice. “Well. Good for you, then.”

“Aaaaaaw.” Apple Bloom patted DT’s hoof, still smiling. “C’mon. You know you’ve got no reason to be angry.” She was the one leaning towards Diamond Tiara this time, and once they were close again she landed a small kiss on her cheek. “Now we’re even, aren’t we?”

“Celestia.” Sweetie Belle looked at Pumpkin Cake, grimacing. “I’m starting to feel left out, here.”

“Yeah don’t look at me. You still stink like my brother.”

Diamond Tiara’s pupils grew when Apple Bloom kissed her, and while her cheeks didn’t get red, her overall pinkness looked a little darker than usual all of a sudden. She didn’t look at Apple Bloom, though; her gaze was fixed on the space in front of her.

A couple seconds passed. Apple Bloom leaned back and looked at her, the smile never leaving her face.

Then Diamond Tiara glared at her, and kissed her on the cheek, too, before turning completely away from her. “Hmpf!”

“Hahah. You’re so sappy.”

Pound Cake looked at the Twisted Spoon. “So, uh. Those two?”

“Yeah, they got together.”

“A shame,” Babs said, looking dreamy. “Twist looked so heterosexual. You don’t find mares like her very often.”

“Yeah, and is it me, or they’re getting worse?” Sweetie Belle said. “I mean, they weren’t exactly shying away of going nasty before, but look at Silver Spoon’s glasses.”

Pound Cake frowned. “Yeah. I think they’re trying to compete with Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara.”

“Bloomed Jewel?”

“Pumpkin, shush.”

“So.” Apple Bloom got even closer to Diamond Tiara, who was still facing the opposite direction. “Are we girlfriends now?”

“Hmpf!”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She hugged DT from behind, resting her hooves on her stomach. “Cool? We’re even? We can go dry-hump your pillow together?”

That earned a giggle from Diamond Tiara, and she relaxed. They stayed there, laying on the lounge, Apple Bloom holding DT from behind, just enjoying each other’s presence.

Then Diamond Tiara turned around. “In all seriousness, though, we’re burning that thing.”

“Yes.”

“We’re burning that thing first thing in the morning.”

“Yeees, yes, we’ll do that. Anyway!” She turned to her friends, and her smile was brighter than the sun for a moment. “We gotta celebrate this birthday properly!”

“Bathroom’s probably free by now.”

“No, Ah don’t mean—that comes later. Alcohol! Ah brought a lil’ thing myself, and we could all make a toast, now that everythin’ is solved! You in, Pumpkin, Pound?”

“Uuuuuuh.” Pumpkin frowned. “We’re underage.”

“Aw, Ah made it myself in my bathtub. Ah’m sure it can’t be that ba—woah.” She blinked. “That Twist and Silver Spoon?”

“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle said.

“They sure are havin’ a good time.”

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Diamond Tiara said, frowning. “I mean, I don’t want to alarm anypony, but I’m fairly sure they’re standing on—”

“HEY!” The door of the room slammed open, and a tempestuous, mouth-foaming Scootaloo appeared at the other side. “YOU TWO! STAY AWAY FROM MY SOFA!”

When Filthy Rich came back home the next day, he was carrying a brown bag over his shoulder, and had a funny look on his face. He looked around, humming happily, soaking in the absolute mess that was Maison du Riche.

There were stains everywhere. Every curtain was shredded. Not a single table or chair was still in its place, and for some reason he could see pieces of microwaves near the stairs.

Empty bottles in every corner, dents on the walls and the floor, food—Celestia, he hoped that was food—under the carpets.

And everything was completely silent.

News travelled fast. Filthy Rich had heard a lot of things about the party—he’d even gone to the hospital to check on Snips and Spike, to make sure they were fine.

So, he knew where to look. And sure, soon enough, Filthy Rich could hear a gentle snoring coming from the hall.

All huddled up on the floor, surrounded by seats and couches, were Diamond Tiara, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Twist, Silver Spoon, and the Cake twins. They were all fast asleep, and sure, some of them were a little more huddled up than others, but overall they were a big, fluffy pile of drunk ponies sleeping. A bottle still half-full of something that looked dangerously home-brew was right next to them.

They were all smiling. Well, except for Scootaloo, Filthy Rich noted. She was facing the sofa with angry eyebrows.

But it still melted his heart. Smiling warmly, Filthy Rich looked inside his brown bag and retrieved a blanket, soft and warm. He tucked them in, earning pleasant grunts from all of them. They looked like puppies.

Filthy Rich just stood there, looking at them and thinking of his youth.

Then he got the other thing he was carrying in that bag.

PTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

“Ah-hah-hah.” Filthy Rich’s grin was bigger than the rest of his face put together as he put the airhorn down. The sound echoed and reverberated against the walls. “This is why I became a father,” he said. The eight hungover ponies squirmed in pain in front of him. PTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

“Music to my ears, I swear.”

“DAD I HATE YOU SO MUCH!”

“Well, yes, that’s the point of this whole thing.” Filthy Rich frowned. While trying to wriggle away from him, Pumpkin Cake had revealed something she’d been hiding under her body. Something gun-like, and dangerously home-made, pointing right at him. “Wait. What is th—”

Pumpkin pulled a string.

BOOM!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Tonk!

Silence.

Pumpkin managed to overcome her hangover long enough to smile. “Not that much to learn, after a—.”

PTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

“SOMEPONY TAKE THAT THING AWAY FROM HIM!”