Totally Birth It

by Zodiacspear

Chapter 1: It Really Is

Pinkie’s back hooves drummed on side of the patient table, the thumps against the metal in perfect tempo with the song playing in her head. She hummed a happy little tune as she patiently waited for the nurse to return. The paper covering over the cushion crinkled under her as she squirmed, earning a giggle from her.

“Crinkly,” she said, giggling again. With a shifty look from side to side, she quickly moved her rump again, causing another loud rustling of paper to echo through the small room. Once her giggles subsided, she sighed, and the heavy smell of of ammonia and hoof sanitizer washed over her. She perked up as she thought back to the reason she was here and a wide smile spread across her face—sending her boogying into overdrive once again.

As she waited impatiently, Pinkie’s eyes traced to the many posters that were hung on the wall. Some talking about blood pressure, others talking about diabetes—as if too much sugar was ever a bad thing—but it was the ones that showed a pony’s anatomy that drew her eyes. Her grin erupted as she looked over the lower section and she gave her head a little toss, averting her eyes with a sly smile.

Her rocking became more and more pronounced as it seem to take the nurse forever to return with her results. Why did it always have to take soooo long at doctor’s offices?

“At least I’ll get a sucker when I’m done,” she uttered and another grin grew across her face at the thought. Despite her apparent impatience, she admitted she had waited a few months for this. It would all be worth it in the end, she told herself.

A few moments later, she gave a loud groan and flopped on her back, the paper table covering crinkling even louder. “Ooohhh, why do they gotta take so long though? It’s no fun keeping a pony waiting!”

Her thoughts drifted back to when she first conceived her visit to the doctor’s office. A wide smile formed as she remembered that night. A wild party, lots of balloons, cider shared, a roll in the hay and so much more. A great night that still caused a wave of warmth to flush through her body.

Even those memories couldn’t keep her boredom at bay for long. She looked around for something that could pass the time, but nothing made itself available. Her legs bicycled in the air as a groan escaped her again. What was taking the nurse so long? She’s been waiting for hours!

She remembered all the times when she had gone to the doctor’s office with her mom as a filly and knew she had to wait and not leave the room. She certainly didn’t want to miss the nurse when she came looking for her. No, no, this was too important for antsy hooves to ruin.

“Antsy hooves.” She snorted a laugh. “Good thing I don’t have uncle hooves, that’d be pretty awkward!”

Her ears perked up as she heard hoofsteps outside her door, but sighed as they moved on to the room next over.

“All right, Pinkie Pie, you can do this. You’ve waited all these months for this, you can wait a little bit longer.”

She gave herself pouty lips. “But I’ve waited forever for her. I wanna know now.”

“Now you stop that now, missy.” She shook a hoof at herself. “What would your friends think if they saw you here?”

“They’d wonder why I was here in the first place.” She giggled again and looked to the collection of brochures that stood on the counter. With nothing else to do, she hopped back up and searched through them. She settled on one that dealt with the birds and the bees and climbed back on the table.

As she read through the small brochure, her lips pouted in a pensive frown. The more she read the more it grew, until she finally set it back on the table.

“I think I liked it better how my mom explained it. A lot less… icky.”

She tried to pass the time with ideas for new delicious sweets, or ideas for parties she wanted to throw. Depending on how things turned out at the doctor’s office today, she might be throwing a huge party soon anyway!

Even with all of that, the nurse still hadn’t shown up.

Coooommmmeeee ooooonnnn…” She huffed and rolled on to her side, staring at the counter. Her gaze shifted from one little shelf full of bandages and gauzes, to a container of tongue depressors, to a jar full of long ear swabs. “I know I’m a patient, but I don’t wanna be patient!”

Her eyes settled on the ear swabs and a mischievous smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. Hopping off the table, she trotted towards the counter. Glancing around slyly, she unscrewed the lid and took a hoofful of ear swabs out. Giggling to herself, she took one of the swabs and stuck it into her ear. Her tongue stuck out the corner of her mouth as she dug around. Pulling the swab back she saw that it was covered with pink frosting.

“I wondered where that cupcake had gone.” She tossed the swab away and grabbed another pair.

Pulling the other jars closer, she took a swab in each hoof then raised her forelegs up high. “Whoo! Hellooo, Ponyville!” She drummed the swabs across the metal tops. “Are you ready to rock?”

Her audience of jars and medical supplies were ecstatic.

“I said: are you ready to rock!”

Their roars of her audience echoed in the silent room.

The sounds of her playing echoed as she began her drum solo. The ring of the metal containers and the tick of wood as it was struck the counter rocked out to her adoring fans. Her mane bounced wildly as she headbanged to her song. Her tongue stuck out again as her hooves beat the containers and counter top in an unmerciful blur. Even when one swab broke, she never lost pace as she nabbed another and pounded away. As the solo came to its climax, the last two swabs caught fire and she finished out the solo with three powerful clashes to the metal container lids.

“Yeah! Thank you, Ponyville! Goodnight!” She poofed out both burning swabs and tossed them in the trash and her audience cheered for her as loudly as inanimate objects could.

Her attention shifted to the tongue depressors and her smile returned. She picked up one and walked to the small mirror in the room.

“All right, Dr. Pie, time to see if you’ve got a sore throat.” She held up her tongue depressor and looked at herself in the mirror. “Open wide and say ‘aww’.”

Opening her mouth wide, she pushed her tongue down with the wooden stick. Staring at the inside of her mouth was a silly thing, she thought; the little thingy that dangled down in the back looked even funnier.

“Hmm, I’m not seeing anything, Nurse Pie. Better look closer.” She stuck the depressor in deeper until it touched the dangly thing. A gag escaped her and she felt the depressor catch in her throat!

She tumped her barrel until the depressor shot out and ricocheted off the mirror to conveniently land in the trash can.

“Blegh, tastes like Gilda’s scones without baking powder.” She stuck her tongue out before shaking her head.

Despite her mishap, her grin returned as she looked at her reflection. Her eyes widened as she grabbed a few depressors and stuck them into her mane that hung over her forehead.

“I’m a unicorn now!” She shut her eyes tightly, trying to make magic happen through her new ‘horn’. One eye opened to see her expression and another fit of giggles escaped her. “Can you imagine me having magic?” she asked her reflection. “I could throw the most explosive parties, ever!”

She removed the depressors from her forehead and set them just beside her ears. “Now I’m a moose. Mooooo…” Her hooves fiddled in the air before she laughed again. “Ooh, some chocolate moose mousse would be so good right now.”

Grabbing another set of tongue depressors, she stuck them in her upper lip. “Now I’m a moosey walrus!” Another fit of giggles escaped her before the sound of someone clearing their throat caught her attention.

She turned—depressors still in place—to see Nurse Redheart giving her a level stare. “Having fun with the medical supplies, Miss Pie.”

She smiled wide. “Oh yes, they’re a load of fun.” She held up one of the depressors. “They keep the boredom from pressing down on me.”

Redheart’s glare went flat.

“What? Didn’t you get it?”

She rubbed at the space between her eyes. “Yes, unfortunately, I got it.” Redheart lifted her clipboard and motioned for the table. “Please have a seat, Miss Pie. I have your results.”

“Okey-dokey!” Pinkie said, the depressors falling out to the floor. She trotted over to the table and lay across it with a loud crinkle of paper.

Redheart looked at her oddly for a second. “You don’t have to lay down, you know?”

Pinkie squirmed in her spot, sending the already rustled covering to crinkling again. “Oh, I know. It’s just really comfy. Like a cloud, kinda, sorta. Just more crinkly.”

Again, Redheart rubbed between her eyes. “All right then.” She lifted her clipboard. “According to your pregnancy results, they do show that you are indeed, pregnant.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened as large as saucers and she pressed her forehooves to her cheeks. “What? Nurse Redheart, you gotta be kid-in-me.”

The silence that followed was tangible. Pinkie looking up at Nurse Redheart with a barely contained laugh on her face. After a moment continued silence, Nurse Redheart gave her the flattest glare she had ever received.

“How long have you be planning that joke?”

Pinkie’s laughter snorted out of her. “Thirteen years, seven months, two weeks, five days, fourteen hours, forty-six minutes and thirty seconds!” She looked up at the nurse with wide eyes. “It was a goodie, wasn’t it?”

Redheart slapped a hoof over her face even as Pinkie erupted into loud giggles—her forelegs wrapped around her barrel as she laughed.

“They don’t make pain pills strong enough for this job anymore,” Redheart muttered as she turned for the door.

“Wait, wait! Nurse Redheart,” Pinkie called after her, rolling back onto her belly and off the table. “Don't tell Party yet!” Her eyes widened and her grin grew wider. “Or do! He gets sooooooooo cute when he blushes!”

“Is your husband here, Miss Pie?” Redheart asked, as they walked out of the room.

“No, no, he’s busy at Sugarcube Corner.” She giggled. “If he was here, he wouldn’t let me make the joke! I can hear him now.” Her mane suddenly poofed into the style of Party Favor. “Pinkie, honey, maybe you shouldn't joke about our, eheh, foal like that…” Her mane suddenly poofed back to her normal appearance. “And I would say: ‘Aww, but I just know he'll be the life of the party!’”

Redheart’s shoulders slumped as if a great weight had been put on them. “Oh, Sweet Celestia…”

Pinkie stood straight up as a thought hit her. “Oh! I got a name for them already!” She lifted Redheart off the ground. “Joke! I’ll name them Joke! It’s perfect! Or if they're twins, it could be Knock Knock and Who’s There.” She giggled to herself. “I can’t wait to tell my friends.” She set Redheart back on her hooves and bounced out of the office, humming a happy tune. She dashed back inside long enough to nab herself a sucker and zipped right back out.

As Redheart adjusted her nurse’s cap, she could only look after the bouncing mare with an expression of dread. “I’m not sure if Equestria is ready for this...”

Author's Notes:

"One has to feel shame to know regret. I have no shame." - Zodiacspear

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