Randomnity

by Codex Ex Equus

First published 28th of July, 2015

Small, silly stories

A collection of short, random stories. Most of these were comic ideas that, for various reasons, I've decided not to make into comics, but the idea was too good to just abandon.

A Real Princess: The ending to A Canterlot Wedding, re-imagined with Cadance acting more like a real-life princess rather than a perfect magical pony princess.

Sniper: Celestia raises the sun at the Summer Sun Festival, unaware of the pony standing on a distant rooftop...

Flutterdrunk: Twilight discovers the consequences of getting Fluttershy drunk.

A Night With the Moon: Nightmare Moon turns out to be more prepared for the Mane Six's attempt to retrieve the Elements than Twilight had though. Twilight is not prepared for what happens next.

Fish Food: Sunset Shimmer enacts her terrible revenge upon the Sirens.

Edit 11/28/15: Aaaaand I'm now out of character slots to add. I threw the 'other' tag on there, but just assume it's every character ever.

1: A Real Princess

“Right you are, Princess,” cackled Chrysalis gleefully, nearly prancing back and forth in front of the gathered wedding guests. “And as Queen of the Changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects. Equestria has more love than–”

“Oh. My. GOD. Would you shut UP?” interrupted Cadance, rolling her eyes. “It's bad enough you tried to steal my fiancé, what's-his-name. I can understand that, he's pretty cute when he keeps his mouth shut. But are you TRYING to RUIN my wedding?

“I mean, just look at those bridesmaids. I wanted MATCHING dresses, not this mishmash of clashing fashion disasters. And magenta for the hall decorations? Really? Did we go back in time five years? I had a modern wedding planned before you ponynapped me, not one from the time of caveponies!

“That's not even mentioning the wedding guests, either! What did you do to my invitations? I only had unicorns on my list! The pegasi are bad enough, but you invited mudponies too? I'm just glad we decided not to have this wedding at my palace, because I would not want to be responsible for cleaning up all the dirt they've probably dragged in here. Well, I mean, I wouldn't want my servants to be responsible, which is pretty much the same.

“And another thing–”

The guests watched in awe and disbelief as Cadance continued to rant, expressing her disapproval with everything about how her wedding had been changed in her absence, up to and including Princess Celestia wearing her usual 'ugly and ancient' regalia rather than the dress Cadance had picked out.

Standing side-by-side, Shining Armor and Chrysalis listened with open mouths as a seemingly never-ending torrent of petty disappointments and whining came from Cadance. Almost as one, they turned to look at each other.

Chrysalis inclined her head, nodding towards Cadance, then raised an inquisitive eyebrow at Shining Armor.

“Dearly beloved,” announced Celestia, smiling proudly, “We are here today to join in holy matrimony Shining Armor and Queen Chrysalis...”

Frowning slightly, Twilight watched the ceremony from off to one side of the crowd of ponies and changelings. Her seat was unstable, consisting of the tied up and very thoroughly gagged Princess Cadance, but she was able to keep her balance without much trouble.

“Well, I guess it's the lesser of two evils,” she sighed, ignoring the struggles and muffled protestations of her perch.

Princess Celestia concluded her speech, and Shining Armor carefully maneuvered the ring down the jagged and twisting horn of his new wife. They kissed, and for some reason the changeling Queen was suddenly blushing.

They do kind of make a cute couple, though, Twilight thought, a small smile making its way onto her face despite herself.

Author's Notes:

One of those ideas that originally came about as a comic. Which is how most of my ideas come, since that is largely what I do when it comes to ponies. This one, at least, consisted almost entirely of Cadance ranting, which obviously works better as writing.

The genesis of this story came from thinking about how Cadance and Chrysalis acted while Chrysalis was taking her place. Obviously Chrysalis had to be rude and mean, to emphasis how perfect and great Cadance was. But, what if Cadance actually acted more the way a princess in the real world did? (The stereotypical view of how a real princess acts, at least)

2: Sniper

Celestia took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Power began to course through her body, lifting her off the platform she stood upon. Raising her hooves and spreading her wings, she raised the sun. In the square below, the crowd that had gathered for the Summer Sun Celebration watched in silent awe.

The silence was cut off by the crack of a rifle shot, and the sound of Celestia crashing onto the platform and crumpling into a heap upon its wooden planks.

The unicorn on the far-away roof didn't hesitate, quickly and smoothly dismantling his rifle. The barrel unscrewed into three parts, the stock and scope came off the body, and all the pieces went into a saddlebag that now looked like it simply held a book or two. He spared one brief glance at the square as screams and chaos began to rise into the air, then turned to leave.

And bumped nose-first into a golden breastplate hanging from an alabaster neck. He stepped away, shaking his head to clear the stars that had suddenly filled his vision, then stumbled back a few more steps as Celestia spat the flattened bullet into his face.

“Congratulations, you were a really good shot,” was the last thing he ever heard.

Author's Notes:

I can't remember how I thought this thing up. I think I just got the idea of Celestia spitting a bullet back into an assassin's face and went from there.

3: Flutterdrunk

“Well, mornin' there, sunshine.”

Twilight groaned as she stumbled into her kitchen. 'Sun' was currently not a subject she was fond of, considering what it was doing to her bleary eyes. Given what had gone on the night before, 'shine' wasn't exactly high on her list of favorite things either.

“This is your fault, you know,” she rasped, head flopping onto the table.

“Now, I just make the cider, darlin'. I don't make you do what you do with it.” Applejack finished pouring the cup of coffee and passed it to the grateful Twilight who, judging by how she began chugging it down, had decided she could breath the stuff. “And just what did you do with it last night, anyway? Ah usually don't see you hit this hard the mornin' after you pick up your monthly barrel.”

Twilight gave a little shrug of her shoulders. “Well, it was just supposed to be a normal night of drinking. Spike was over at Rarity's, and I had the cider and a good book–this one was on differences in philosophy between the minotaurs and the griffons. So, you know, maybe it was actually going to be a little crazier than usual from the start.”

“Uh-huh. Crazy,” said Applejack, eyes half-lidded.

“But Fluttershy showed up, and I invited her to have a mug or two, and then –”

“Fluttershy?!” gasped Applejack in horror. “You gave hard cider to Fluttershy?!”

“Well, yeah. Can you believe she hasn't had a drink since before I came to Ponyville?” Twilight chuckled. “Not to sound morbid, but if I couldn't relax and get drunk every once in a while I think I would have burned Equestria to the ground out of sheer pent-up stress years ago!”

“Twilight... Twilight, we need to find Fluttershy. Right now.” Applejack's ears were folded back, and she was looking around in a panic.

“Why? I mean, we just had a few drinks, and–”

“You don't understand,” interrupted Applejack, grabbing Twilight's head between her hooves to force the Princess to look at her. “Fluttershy is... a mean drunk. A really mean drunk.”

Twilight laughed, pushing Applejack's hooves away. “Oh, come on, Applejack. It can't be that bad.”

“There's a reason Ah haven't let her have a drop of my cider since last time,” replied Applejack darkly. “Are y'all really telling me you didn't notice anything last night?”

“Hmm...” Twilight frowned in thought, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “Nothing too out of the ordinary. I mean, maybe she was being a bit snarky just before she left, but–”

“Oh sweet Celestia.” Applejack's face went pale. “Being snarky is phase one. You let her leave while she was still just in phase one?!”

Twilight blinked in confusion. “What's the big deal?”

“If she was in phase one when she left, that means she was just getting started.” Applejack took off her hat and held it to her chest, shaking her head sadly. “If she'd stayed in your castle, well, everything could have been fixed this mornin' with just an apology and maybe her buying you some new things. Now, though... she could be anywhere, and could have done anything.”

“Oh, come on, now,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “She can't be that bad when she's drunk...”

A moan came from Fluttershy as the beam of sunlight touched her face.

More moans followed as she slowly opened her eyes, and then she let out a long groan.

Why did her head feel like it was trying to turn inside out? Why did her mouth taste like she had licked Angel Bunny? And why–as her eyes finally focused and she realized where she was–was she in the Royal Throne Room in Canterlot? What had she done last night?

Before she could begin pondering these question, a hoof pressed against her chest.

It clinked.

Looking down, Fluttershy saw that she was wearing a very familiar golden breastplate. Following the alabaster hoof that was pressed against it, she found herself looking at the worried and slightly fearful face of Princess Celestia.

“I-I'm sorry, mistress! Do you wish to sleep more?” Celestia asked, apprehensive. “I can lower the sun again if you need more rest.”

“And just give the word if you wish the moon up as well,” added the distressed Princess Luna, sitting next to her sister. Looking down again, Fluttershy realized silver hoofcuffs, far too big for her own hooves, were at the ends of each of her four legs. “After all, we'd do anything for the new ruler of all Equestria.”

“Um–”

“Is there anything you'd like me to do?” said a voice from Fluttershy's other side. As she turned her head, something tumbled off. She caught it instinctively, finding a cone-shaped crown set with purple gems.

“We can spread love to any country you choose,” said Cadance, smiling nervously. “The whole Crystal Empire, and the Crystal Heart, are yours to command, of course.”

“UM–”

“Or we can subjugate any land you'd prefer,” said another voice, buzzing with dual tones, causing Cadance to give its owner a glare.

Realizing there was something else still on her head, Fluttershy reached up and pulled off a crown of black, tipped with jade stones.

“The entire Swarm is at your disposal, my Queen,” said Chrysalis from Cadance's side, her head bowed and shoulders tense.

Whimpering, Fluttershy closed her eyes again.

Author's Notes:

Another comic idea. No idea where this one came from, though.