“…They actually paid money for this?” He twirled the rock in his hooves. Not a gem, not a fossil, not an artifact, a rock. Or, to be more specific, a rock with a barely legible etching in it. One done so expertly as to appear the primitive writing of some lost civilization.

At least to the untrained eye. Anyone who knew even an ounce of basic history could tell it was junk.

“Typical.” He slammed the stone on his desk, probably using a little too much force. The desk was technically property of the museum. Though honestly, they deserved scuffed desks. The damn rock had probably been ordered specifically so they could pawn the real shipment off to whichever ‘noble’ wanted to feel the most cultured.

And then they passed the knockoffs on to him so he and his PhD could ‘verify’ it. Then he got a check for his long, hard work selling out his credibility and could go home to his books.

Repeat ad infinitum.

“I need to retire.” He leaned back in his worn chair, rubbing his temples raw. “Or maybe I should just cut out the middle mare and get a rope.”

“I could do it for you,” a familiar voice said. One he hadn’t heard in decades. “If I recall, you asked me to kill you if you ever got stuck behind a desk.”

“I believe I also asked you to throw yourself off a cliff.” He turned to face the cat, finding himself scowling at the sight of the silver furred flea magnet. The bastard hadn’t changed much. Maybe a few more scars here and there, a little thinner, something new in the eyes…other than that, exactly the same. “You got old.”

“So did you.” They glared at each other silently. Memories, most of them unpleasant, came back to him. This was not going to be a fun conversation. “I thought I made it clear I never wanted to see you alive again.”

“And I thought I made it clear that there is absolutely nothing you can do to get rid of me.” The sound of metal sliding on leather signaled the dagger coming out. For a brief moment, he was sure it was about to go between his eyes, but the cat just started twirling it in his fingers, leaning against the wall nonchalantly. Much to his chagrin, the fleabag noticed his worry. “What’s the matter Copper? Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a little blade after all you’ve been through.”

“Not of the blade, no. I’m more worried about where in my back you plan on placing it.” Did Ren’s eyes narrow slightly? He’d just assume so. Made him feel a bit better.

“I believe that’s your shtick.” The dagger stopped twirling for a moment as the feline tapped the tip against his chin. “Remember back in Salis? With that one merchant? What was her name again? Fenc-”

“What do you want?” The unicorn had to force himself not to charge the cat then and there. And also to keep the surprise of his face at the sheer audacity of mentioning Salis.

“I think we both know.” Ren stepped forward, glaring down at him. He had to admit, the bastard knew how to appear dangerous. “Where is it?”

“Gone,” he said simply. No point in lying. Neither of them had forgotten what happened. “We’ve been over this. Remember? You cut my ear off and disappeared into the jungle.” He tuned his head to the side, showing off the damage.

“Well how about this. You tell me who you sold it to and I won’t pick up where I left off.” The knife was redirected towards his eye, the point shining slightly from the lamp on his desk. “Sound good?”

“Intimidation, that’s original.” He stared ahead with no fear whatsoever. After all, what exactly was there for him to lose? His fake artifacts?

“I hope you realize that I don’t make idle threats.”

“And I hope you realize that I simply don’t give a damn about you, your tablet, or this fool quest you’ve set yourself on!” He turned away with more anger than he intended. Never quite could pull off that cold uncaring visage. “Thank you for stopping by, but I have a lot of work to do so-”

The dagger hit the table with a loud thwack, going right through some of the papers he had to approve and taking a chunk of his mane with it. What did it say about him when his only thought was that he didn’t want to make the trip to the main office to get replacements?

“You’re out of practice,” he said in stark monotone. “The younger you wouldn’t have missed.”

“Please.” He was glad he turned around. Not giving away his surprise would have been impossible. “If not for my sake then for his.”

The silenced stretched out for what seemed like an eternity. He had him. He finally had the son of a whore by the short hairs. All he’d have to do is say no and he could have revenge. He could enjoy watching him squirm. He could just sit back, smile the little grin he’d been waiting to smile, and watch him fall apart. He could…

He could…

He could sigh and rip the dagger out of his desk.

“You would play that card.” He threw the weapon behind him, hearing the handle hit hand as the rogue caught it. “The highest bidder was the mayor, Ward Hoofer. Big surprise. Fancies himself a collector. Bit of a pretentious twat. Keeps everything he buys in an estate outside the city. Big mansion, guards out front, silver horseshoe on the gate, can’t miss it.” He turned around, somehow looking more tired than he felt. “Do try to take never literally this time, okay?”

Ren was already gone.

“Piano?” I stared at her like she was an idiot. Which she kind of was since suggesting I learn how to play the piano when I’d lost a hand one was one of the dumbest musical related ideas I’d ever heard. I told her as much while trying not to sound like I insulted her intelligence. I’m not sure I completely succeeded.

“Well it’s not like you’re giving me much to work with!” she snapped back. Definitely didn’t succeed. “How the hell could you lose an arm AND be a terrible singer?”

“It’s called having horrible luck!” I couldn’t believe she was talking like the whole thing was my fault! Which…okay, yeah I probably didn’t need to flip that guy off and give him such a good target, but my singing voice is genetics! Blame my parents for that one. “It’s more common than you’d think!”

She huffed and turned away, something that I took as a sign this conversation was over. At least for now. She didn’t seem the type to just let this stuff go.

Reprise and I had followed Ren down to the basement where he told us to wait before going off again. And now that we had been reduced to silence (arguments tend to do that) I was free to let my mind wander.

What exactly did he mean by high-profile robbery? I know what that is, don’t get me wrong, but what would we possibly need to steal? That tablet? Did we have to rob a museum? Please tell me this wasn’t going to turn into a heist movie.

Did I want to get involved with something like this? I was already a criminal, unless fighting an entire squad of guards and getting my ass thrown in jail had become legal in the past month. Still, those were more crimes of circumstance than anything…I think. The idea of breaking into a place for the soul purpose of robbing it seemed…wrong.

…Dammit, I needed a second opinion!

You want to weigh in on this?

The scaly little thing on my wrist remained silent. Odd. For the week or so he’d been talking the guy had registered an opinion on literally everything I did. Most of them criticizing how I did it/my looks/my bloodline/every single decision I’d ever made. Why would he stay…oh yeah…

Possis loqui nunc.

“I fucking hate you.”

The feeling is more than mutual. Now, as much as I find your advice both useless and annoying, I really need some here. What should I do about this?

“Go to the roof, stand on the edge, throw yourself off.”

…Thanks. That really helps.

I shut him up again (the few hours of silence was worth the torrent of hate I’d get later) and returned to sitting quietly…kind of…it’s not like I actually said anything so I guess I was always sitting quietly. Still, I had a conversation it was just all in my head…which makes me sound crazy. I’m not crazy, just…a human turned talking cat thing in a world populated by fantastic creatures, several of which appear in a show aimed at little kids, that just had a telepathic talk with a magic snake bracelet…so I’m not crazy, just everything else in my life is.

…There’s a difference right?

The answer would have to wait as the door slammed open and Fault descended the steps. She looked like she just rolled out of bed. Though honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ren pushed her instead. Reprise and I said hello and she did the same then sat down next to me with a groan.

The presence of the self-proclaimed thief and proven lock picker only backed up the whole robbery thing.

Crisp showed up next followed by the cat himself. Guess we were only doing Ocean’s Five then.

“Great, you’re here. Mind telling me why you hauled me out of bed for this?” The glare Fault gave him made me think back to the time Ren showed me how to skin that tapir…I have no idea why.

“You’re a thief right?” he asked without looking at her. Ren walked to the other side of the table from us and sat down calmly. “I brought you hear to offer you a job.”

“…What kind of job.” Both of her ears perked up and the glare vanished. Someone had been getting bored it seems.

“The kind that go in the history books.” The grin that appeared on her face almost split it in half.

“Awesome! What are we robbing?”

“Well, there’s an artifact in the mayor’s estate that…”

“Hold on a second!” The other pony in our little group picked up where Fault left off. Only her glare wasn’t so much ‘I’m going to skin you alive’ as ‘are you honestly this stupid or did you get kicked in the head as a child?’ “I get why Fault and Mango are here if you want to steal something, from the mayor no less, but why drag me and Crisp into it?”

“Was kind of wondering that myself.” The young dragon didn’t look surprised, angry, or confused as one might expect. Just…curious.

“Well I can’t really think of any situation where having a dragon along WOULDN’T be useful…except maybe exploring a store of gunpowder.” The lizard puffed out his chest a little at that. Flattery will get you everywhere as they say. “And as for the music teacher here…to be honest, you were just there and I’d rather have you and not need you than need you and not have you.”

“Great. So I’m just an extra then?”

“Basically…yes.” Ren shrugged. If I were him, I would be glad there was nothing for Reprise to throw at the time.

“And what’s to stop me from going to the guard huh? Stopping your little plan before it even starts?” I just realized, Ren was being rather blunt about this wasn’t he? Just coming out and saying he wanted to steal something (or implying it anyway) to me and three complete strangers…to him. I’d been hanging out with these guys for over two weeks. Well…mostly Fault. Not surprised she likes the idea. As for the other two…they didn’t seem the criminal type if that makes sense.

A big stupid risk by the guy who was supposed to be my wise old mentor. Kind of makes me wonder what quality of training he’s been providing me.

“First, I haven’t said what we’re stealing, where it is, or from who. You have nothing to go off of yet.” He ticked this little point off almost absentmindedly. “Second, you don’t have to be here. I’m not forcing you to do anything. And that goes for you three too. If you don’t want to do this, just get up and leave.” None of us moved. I was sorely tempted to though. “Third, I don’t think you care about me all that much, but I know Fault is your friend. And Jack here has done nothing to you. All three of us got out of jail not a month ago. How do you think they’ll react if they get even a suspicion that we’re plotting something?”

“By reaching for the nearest nightstick,” the thief to my left muttered.

“…Point.” Reprise sat, though she still didn’t look happy. Truth be told, I wasn’t too happy either. I mean, I’d never knowingly broke the law before…outside of killing five people…but there was no law where I was so…I don’t like where this is going. Back to the table.

“We’re going after that tablet you mentioned right?” Ren nodded at me. “Why do we need to steal it? The stuff written on it is the important bit right? Why not just take a rubbing and go off that?”

“And how do you suppose we get this rubbing? Ask nicely?”

“Well…yeah. It’s not like we’d be damaging the thing…”

“You’re an idiot.” I started to get the feeling that he WANTED to rob this place. “There is no possible way a rich stallion would let two people he’d never met-”

“He’s met me actually.”

“One person he’s never met and someone he barely knows just stroll in and feel up a priceless artefact.”

“Not unless you won the tournament.”

Fuck.

As one, all five of us turned to look at the stairs. Mica and Robin flanked Bright who…let’s just say that he made James Jameson look like a calm, rational human being.

“Go on,” Ren said, undaunted.

“We’ll deal with you trying to use my employees as pawns later.” He came down the stairs and right up to the table. “For now, you should probably know that Ward hosts a dinner party for whoever wins. And he’s usually in a good enough mood for requests. Especially small ones like this.”

“I just have to knock out…how many contestants are there?”

“Sixty four.”

Quick mental math…

“Seven of the toughest fighters this city has to offer.”

“Exactly. He’s nowhere near skilled enough to pull that off.” Ren motioned towards me for emphasis. I’d feel insulted if I wasn’t in complete and total agreement. Besides, getting punched hurt.

“And you still have a month before it starts,” Bright pointed out. “And two weeks in between each fight. Get him there.”

Ren stopped, his face shifting from stubborn defiance to genuine curiosity. I began to fear for my life.

“You think it’s possible?”

“If we help you.” Robin flashed me a smile that made me understand what a fish feels like when it’s caught in a hawks claws.

“Trust me, by the time the three of us are done with him, fruit boy here will be able to take on a manticore with nothing but his fist.” The very large, very threatening diamond dog slammed his right fist into his left palm producing a sound that made my ears pin back and my testicles attempt to hide behind my hips.

“Does fruit boy get a say in this?” I could see Fault struggling not to laugh, Crisp failing to stop, and Bright cracking a smile. All that was missing was-

“Not really.” A silver fuzzy hand appeared on my shoulder. “After all, we need that tablet, no matter the cost.” I looked up into the face of my ‘friend’ who was grinning wickedly. “Look at it as a continuation of the training you got in the jungle. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

…I really hate Equestria.