“Uhhhhhhh why does my stomach hurt?”

It didn’t make any sense. Usually when you wake up somewhere you don’t understand you have a headache. At least that’s how it is in movies. Instead it feels like someone is trying to rip me in half.

“Where am I?” Only one way to answer that question.

With great difficulty I opened my eyes and saw a long brown cylinder dangling in front of my face.
“SNAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-”

Apparently, jumping awake while hanging on a tree branch is a very bad way to start a morning. I have to say, it was quite the wake-up call to find myself ten feet in the air. Even more so when I found myself on the ground.

On my limbs, not my back.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh…huh? What just happened?” When you fall from a tree you’re supposed to end up hurt right? I was fine. No broken bones, no shattered spine, no-

“OW!”

A white paper bag landed directly on my head. Where it came from I’d never know.

“What the...McDonald’s?” Eeyup. McDonald’s was falling from the sky. I’d say that signifies the apocalypse better than any horseman. “Wait a minute…” It can’t be possible. Can it? Only one way to find out. Gingerly, I opened the bag and took a look inside.

“A Big Mac and fries.”

It all came flooding back. The pharmacy, the ointment, the umbrella. Some crazy bitch hit me over the head with an umbrella! And said she’d send me to Equestria! With a burger and fries! HOLY SHIT!

“Am I…” I took a frantic look at my surroundings. “Sure as hell aint Ponyville.” I don’t think Ponyville had a tree the size of a sequoia. Its branches were twisted and covered with vines and birds’ nests reaching up several hundred feet into the sky. A fierce wind was blowing, making all the dew covered leaves glint in the sunlight. It was breathtaking.

“If Fluttershy saw this…” While it was great for the spirit, a giant beautiful tree doesn’t really give good directions. “Guess I’m climbing.” When in doubt, get high. No not that way. I didn’t know that much about survival, but it’s generally a good idea to know where you are. I took a few steps toward the tree, rubbing my paws in anticipation. I’d climbed before, mostly rock walls at the gym. Still, how hard could it be? There were plenty of-

Stop.

Go back and take another look at that.

I took a few steps toward the tree, rubbing my paws in anticipation.

Rubbing my PAWS in anticipation.

PAWS.

I looked down at my hands. Sure enough, two fuzzy appendages with three short, stubby fingers and a thumb greeted me from where my four fingered, pink, and hairless human hands should be.

What. The. Fuck.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I backed up, furiously scrubbing my arms to get the strange mahogany fur off them. Seriously, I know it’s only been a minute, but how the hell did I not notice this sooner. Oh yeah, my feet changed too. I didn’t notice this either and ended up tripping over them. Good thing to. I felt the top of my head end up in open air while the rest of it smacked painfully on the ground. I scrambled back to my feet(?) with a groan and looked behind me.

“Whoa…” The crazy lady had decided to drop me off on a cliff. Looking straight down I could see a scraggly cliff extending for maybe a thousand yards. Vines and some small plants grew on outcroppings in the rock providing natural habitats for the many birds I saw flitting about. It all led down to one of the biggest lakes I’d ever seen. After that, a jungle stretched off into the distance. Various rivers, lakes, ruins, and what looked like a small town were visible in the distance. The whole thing was put to a backdrop of gorgeous blue sky and a brilliant sunrise.

“Alright. Let’s…let’s just think about this for a moment.” Now try to figure this out. I have…paws. With three fingers. Weird, but it wasn’t like I used my pinkies much. And I’m covered in fur. At least it’s the same shade as my hair. My feet…also paws. And missing the smallest toe. Like I said, wasn’t using them. Oh, and I’m naked. No matter, there’s a nice breeze today anyway.

I’m on a cliff, way above a lake. Lovely view though. Too many snakes for my liking. Wait…that snake was the same color as my…

With a sigh on my lips, I stretched a han…paw behind me and felt around. Sure enough, something long and round came into my grasp. I grudgingly pulled it up to my face. Long, brown, furry, give you one guess what it was. I gave it an experimental tug, then winced when I felt pain lance through my backside.

So I have a tail to. Great. And let me guess.

I touched the top of my head. Two triangular tufts of softness were sticking out of my skull.

Paws, claws, fur, a tail, triangle ears…oh my god.

“I’ve been furried!” No offense to furries, there’s nothing wrong with them, it’s just…waking up as one isn’t nearly as fun as you’d think it’d be. “Don’t freak out, it’s not that big a deal. Oh who am I kidding, it’s a huge freaking deal! I HAVE A TAIL!” I slapped myself in the face to halt the oncoming hysterics. If I was going to go crazy, I was going to do it safely away from three-thousand foot cliffs thank you very much. “Knock it off. You’re just dreaming obviously. Yeah, that bitch knocked you out with the umbrella and you’re in the back of an ambulance in a coma or something.” I completely ignored the question of how an umbrella could put someone in a coma as my stomach chose this moment to make its existence known. My gaze shifted to the white bag. “If I’m gonna be a cat, might as well be a cat with a full belly.”

I greedily dug my hands into the bag and pulled out exactly what was promised. One McDonald’s Big Mac and a medium fry.

“Could’ve at least sprung for a drink-OW!” A bottle of Sprite hit me right on the top of the head and bounced into the bag. I looked around, but no one was there. The bitch must still be watching me. Better not piss her off. “Thank you!” I called to the sky. The sky remained silent. I shrugged and dug in.

I have to say, it was kind of peaceful. Sitting there above the rest of the world, watching the sun rise with a Sprite in one paw and a burger in the other. Honestly, despite all the weirdness, it was one of the best mornings I’ve had in a while. Though there was this odd thrumming sound…hold on.

“Am I purring?” A paw to my throat answered that question. So I purr to. Well this just gets better and better. I went back to eating. Compared to my other problems, purring was actually pretty nice. It was like a massage in my throat. Very Calming.

When I was finished, I stashed the trash in a knothole on the tree. The bag said bio-degradable, let’s put it to the test. With the cleanup out of the way I could move on to the real issue.

How the hell was I supposed to get down? The only thing up here was this tree and I didn’t see any fruit on it. Behind that were more mountains. Really tall mountains. No food, no water, no escape. Unless…

I stole a glance at the cliff.

“This is gonna suck.” No way around it. Just get it over with. Without ceremony I approached the cliff. Praying to the powers that be it would work, I grabbed the edge with both paws and hung over the side. I was apparently much stronger as a cat than as a human. I’d never really been in shape before, but now I held my whole bodyweight like it was nothing.

It was a challenge to quell the instinctual twist of fear in my gut; after all, anything over fifty feet would kill a human. Anything over was just hang-time. By the looks of it, a fall would give me a great opportunity to contemplate the meaning of my life before it ends as a bloody stain in a lake. But, like every adult has told every kid since the dawn of time, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. I took a deep breath and started climbing down.

Left, right, left, right, left, right…and on and on and on. It was slow going, painful on the paws, and extremely tiring. I averaged maybe a hundred yards every ten minutes. And the locals weren’t exactly friendly. Twice I had to hug the cliff for dear life because I’d gotten too close to some bird’s nest. I don’t know what species they were, but those little bastards have some sharp beaks.

“Would…you…FUCK OFF!” Especially this one. “I don’t want your eggs you stupid flying rat!” The little black bird chirped something that I’m sure was foul beyond anything I could imagine.

It darted in close and pecked me right on the head. I smacked at it with a free paw and managed to clip a wing. The little guy fell for maybe fifty feet before righting itself and flying back to its nest, chirping all the way.

“Yeah, well same to you pal! And your mother sucks cocks in hell!” I rubbed my sore spot before continuing the descent. I got the little bastard, but it still hurt. A lot! I couldn’t tell if I was bleeding or not because of the fur. I need a break.

I scanned the cliff face below me. Apparently lady luck took pity on me since there was a small outcropping a hundred feet or so down. With a silent thank you to the universe, I scrambled down to it. I took a moment to make sure it would hold before gleefully dropping down onto the rough surface.

“Ahhhhhhhh that’s better.” I let my feet dangle off the sides and took in the view. The sun was much higher in the sky at this point. I’d been climbing for a couple hours and still was only half way down! This new body of mine may be in a lot better shape (the old one would have fallen in the first five minutes) but that didn’t mean this was easy. A few times I’d run out of space and had to work my way back up and then down another route.

A sigh escaped my lips. I still had absolutely no idea what was going on. It’s obvious the umbrella lady was some kind of god or spirit, but what kind of deity just randomly sends people to another dimension. Discord might, but I don’t know why he’d appear as a girl. So then who-

“SKRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“What the…” I looked up.“Oh my god.”

The biggest bird you’ve ever seen was in a middle of a dive straight at my head.

“SHIT!” With reflexes I didn’t even know I had, I swung over the side and dove for a nearby spur of rock. Just in time to. The second I left my perch the bird’s great-sword sized talons sliced through the platform. The giant avian let out a mighty screech as a little black bird zipped in front of me with a happy chirp.

“YOU LITTLE FUCKER!”

The roc (I think that’s what it was) rounded for another pass as I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Then I dropped.

It smashed into the cliff above me as I fell a couple dozen feet and caught myself on one of the sturdy plants clinging to the rock face. Small stones fell on top of me from the impact of bird on wall. The roc shook its head in confusion. It glanced left and right. Stupid bird didn’t think to look down.

But black Tweety here wasn’t having none of that. It flew above my head and began chirping incessantly. The roc looked down.

“SKRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

SUFERIN SUCKATASH!

I did the only thing I could do. Jump and pray to whatever gods would listen. Jesus! Buddha! Spongebob! HELP ME! What? There wasn’t time to be picky.

“MOOOTHERRRRFUUUUUUUUUUUU-OUF!”

Turns out that rocs can fly faster than cat people falling at terminal velocity. Now, instead of being gored to death on a cliff, I was being carried presumably to a nest where I would be gored to death by a giant condor. Lovely.

The bird flew in a downward arc. Looks like he planned to kiss the surface of the lake. Probably wants to wash me off before he eats me. Wait…

I looked down. Still one hundred feet to the water. But a nice quick death is preferable to an also quick but bloody one.

“TAKE THIS YOU OVERGROWN CHICKEN!” Did I mention I have cat teeth? They really did a number on that roc’s leg. And you know what? He actually tasted like chicken.

Unfortunately he didn’t just drop me; he launched me high out over the lake. The jerk from my bite sent me an extra hundred feet in the air. I was going so fast I began to lose consciousness. The last thing I saw before impact was someone standing on the shore of the lake...

*peck…peck-peck*

“Uhhhhhhh…Mommy?” A little black bird looked me right in the eye and chirped. “You’re not mommy.” I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

*peck-peck-peck*

Or at least I tried to.

“Alright, alright, I’m up. Stupid bird. WAIT!” A very familiar bird stared at me quizzically. “YOU!” I was up in a second and after the little bastard. If you’ve ever seen a cat chase a bird, picture that only the cat is much taller and walks on two legs.

The bird flew up the side of a tree. I jumped after it and grabbed at its tail, missing by about an inch. Faster than I could blink, it pulled a U-turn and went soaring out over the lake.

“IF I EVEN SEE YOU AGAIN I’M GOING FUCKING SYLVESTER ON YOUR ASS!” The bird chirped what I’m sure was an insult and kept flying. I snorted and took a look at my surroundings.

Somehow I’d ended up on the lakeshore. Specifically the one opposite from the cliff I was on earlier. The lake came right up against a swath of fruit trees. I could hear various jungle sounds coming from all around me.

The lake itself was one of the clearest blues I’d ever seen. Come to think of it, all the colors here seemed to be far more vibrant than back home. Plus, it was all uniform. None of the usual splotches and discolorations appeared on anything. It was all exactly like the cartoon.

“At least those birds are gone. I wonder…” The water looked calm enough. And I really wanted to know the ratio my face had between cat and man. I walked tentatively to the water’s edge and, with a deep breath, took my first look at my new face.

It was covered in the same, short mahogany fur as the rest of my body, except the area under my chin, down the front of my neck, and my chest to just above my groin were pure white along with a small area around each eye. Two triangle ears with pink insides stuck up from the top. I flicked each one experimentally. I had full control to some extent. My eyes were huge. Seriously, compared to the size of my head they were almost at anime levels. They kept the same green as my human eyes except I now had slits instead of rounded pupils. My nose was a cat’s nose, just scaled to fit my face. My mouth seemed normal except it curved up slightly in the middle and a darker line ran up to meet my nose. Oh, and I had an outline. It was a slightly darker shade of brown than my fur. It didn’t seem to do anything so I ignored it.

I was tall. Around the same height I’d always been. Maybe a little taller. If I had to guess, I’d say 6’4”. I was whip thin to, with limbs slightly longer than average. Again, same as when I was human. Only this time, there was an undertone of lean muscle. For the first time since I was ten, I actually looked in shape! My tail swished back and forth behind me. Maybe it did that when I was happy. Were cats like dogs with their tales? Eh. I’ll figure it out later.

My stomach growled again. I couldn’t see the sun anymore, yet it was still light out. The sunrise was in front of me when I was on the cliff which put it to the west. The sun was behind the cliff which left my last meal a few hours ago. It sat like a rock in my gut (being fast food and all) but that didn’t mean it was enough to keep me going.

I looked back at the trees. Ripe mangoes were growing just out of reach. Do cat people eat fruit? Only one way to find out. I got a running start and jumped. My paw fell at least five feet short of the orange fruit before I fell back to earth. I tried a second, third, and forth time before giving up. Despite being a cat, there was just no way I could jump twenty feet in the air. Another growl came from my middle.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just hold your horses.” I was (emphasis on was) a middle class American teenager. I’d had no problems getting, food, water, and a place to sleep. Now I had a whole slew of them. I knew next to nothing about wilderness survival except to always boil your water and not to trust strange plants. I didn’t know how to survive in the jungle. The only reason I wasn’t a sobbing ball of pathetic was because I was still half convince it was all a coma dream.

“First things first.” I stared at the succulent fruit as if the intensity in my gaze could make it drop. Drop…

I looked at the tree, then to my feet, then back at the tree, then back to my feet. A small smile spread across my lips. Well if Applejack can do it…

I backed up to the water’s edge, intending to get as much build up time as possible. Then, yelling like a mad man, I sprinted at the tree, turning it into a flying leap with my right foot leading. I hit the trunk hard, then pushed back into a little flip landing with both feet down and caught a mango as it fell.

Oh yeah. Definitely more athletic.

“Just call me Mangojack.” I took a bite of the fruit. It was one of the best things I’d ever tasted. Fresh from the branch, right at the peak of ripeness, quite possibly the most-

*rustle*

“WHO’S THERE?” An enormous amount of movies, books, comics, video games, and…other things have taught me that strange rustling in strange places is bad 99.9% of the time. As such, I was scared shit-less. “Show yourself!” There was no answer. I stayed in a kung fu style battle posture for about five minutes. You can never be too careful with creepy jungle noises.

“Must have been a squirrel.” I decided to ignore it and eat more mangos. After seven of them I felt sleepy. The sun had finally set so it was pitch black. The noise of birds was replaced with the droning chirp of crickets. With a full belly and tired mind, I curled up under the tree and went to sleep.

Have I mentioned I’m kind of an idiot?

*THUNK*

“Mommy?”

I awoke to the sound of wood on wood. Before me was a pointy piece of ivory attached to a long stick. Holding the stick was a large cat man. As near as I could tell, the only differences between me and him were his golden fur, blue eyes, and the fact that he was far more muscular. Behind him were nine others (five male, four female) and a smaller male that must have been a kid. They were all wearing brown leather tunics and pants. Many had decorative (or maybe they were some sort of rank marking) beads strew about their heads/clothes/tails. All save the kid were holding spears.

No. Definitely not mommy.

“I don’t suppose you’re the official welcoming committee?”

Nine more spears leveled at my head.

“Yeah…I’m gonna take that as a no.”