Ladies and gentleman, I, the Narrator, am hereby most pleased to present this instructional text on how to ‘make love to a pony,’ a topic of much concern and interest to many. Everyone loves ponies, and there are many that want to ‘love’ a pony.

First things first; one must select the right pony. For this, we want a gregarious and extroverted individual to increase our chances of successful romance. Select your pony carefully. Unicorns are snobby, pegasi are brutes, and earth ponies are numbskulls. There are other dangers to take into consideration when selecting your pony.

Do you like being set on fire? Frozen? Shocked? Turned into a turnip? No? Then unicorns are not for you. Avoid them at all costs. Unicorns are fickle romantic partners and should only be pursued by either the most desperate or the most experienced. Do so with caution!

Pegasi are challenging to woo. Check around the local birdbaths, puddles, and other sources of water. Observe the colourful plumage displays and attempt to select a mate with vibrant colours. Be careful! These potential romantic partners are flighty and love to tease. After getting you worked up by presenting their pretty pastel plots, giving you the ‘bedroom eyes’ and other ‘come hither’ gestures of affection, many pegasi will fly away, laughing at the tent pole in your pants. How rude!

Earth ponies are a human’s best bet. Naturally gregarious, sociable, unable to use magic or fly away, earth ponies are decidedly harmless and can be approached without worry. For the purposes of this instructional text, we shall approach the first earth pony we see and attempt to proposition them for a little ‘woo woo’ in the hay.

Ah, there we go… there is one in a pleasing shade of pink. She how she dances and the bounciness of her curly hair. She is highly sociable and seems to be of an extraverted bent. Observe as I attempt to woo the Equestrian equine.

“Oh no, I think the Narrator is following me.”

Hmm, something seems to have gone wrong.

“No, I just inserted myself into the narrative text. Hi! Howya doing? My name is Pinkie Pie, but in some merchandise, I am known as Ponka Po.”

Pray tell, little pony, what are you doing?

“Breaking the fourth wall. I think. Did you come to try and hit me up for a date?”

Why, yes, yes I did. Is it that obvious?

“Oh boy, here we go again. Transition time, insert a page break here, it’s time for a fourth wall switcheroo!”

Wait, what?

Hello everypony, my name is Pinkie Pie, and now, I am the one telling this story. I’ve trapped the Narrator in those silly brackets… those really itch by the way, very confining, kinda like one of Rarity’s dresses after I eat too much fudge, get a pudge, and cannot budge.

“What just happened?”

Get a load of this guy. He doesn’t know what is going on. I spotted him coming a mile away, this isn’t my first rodeo. I think humans are attracted to my bright pink colour, they always make a beeline for me.

“Something has gone horribly wrong!”

All you have to do is take a cup of flour! Add it to the mix! Now just take a little something sweet, not sour! A bit of salt, just a pinch! Baking these treats is such a cinch! Add a teaspoon of vanilla! Add a little more, and you count to four, and you never get your fill of… cupcakes! So sweet and tasty! Cupcakes! Don't be too hasty! Cupcakes! Cupcakes, cupcakes, CUPCAKES!

“Oh no, she is going to make cupcakes out of me!”

Something tells me I’ve never going to live that down. You play one practical joke on a friend to give them a little scare and ponies blow it all out of proportion! Sheesh! Settle down Mister Narrator… I’m an earth pony, for us, baking is a lot like foreplay.

“It is?”

Well, no, silly, but I had you going for a moment there, didn’t I? Those quotation marks look really uncomfortable. I feel bad. But I can’t let you go until you’ve learned a lesson.

“How to bake something?”

Yes silly, you are going to learn how to actually attract a pony! We love sugary snacks, but our taste buds are a little different from yours. So I am going to show you a recipe that will make the mares want to put on panties and do a little dance for you!

“Put on panties?”

Well, we’re kinda naked, and many of us have a sexual kink involving getting dressed. It’s naughty! Hey, do you wanna learn or not?

“Okay, okay, I’m listening. I don’t know if the readers have made it this far though, many of them probably feel as though they’ve been hoodwinked.”

Sucks to be them, right? You wanna attract a nice mare, you gotta deliver the baked goods. But never the baked bads! Never ever! Now pay attention, cause I’m gonna show you how to make lavender cupcakes with vanilla frosting.

“Lavender?”

Different tastebuds, remember?

“Oh, right. Do carry on then.”

Thank you. Now where was I… oh that’s right, I was narrating… lemme see… oh… oh… oh that’s right, lavender cupcakes. Okay, you’re going to need a few things. Pay attention!

½ cup whole milk

1 tablespoon of dried edible lavender

1 ⅓ cups of cake flour

1 ¼ teaspoon of baking powder

¼ teaspoon of salt

½ cup of butter, softened

½ cup + 2 tablespoons of granulated sugar

3 tablespoons of honey

2 large eggs

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

To make the frosting, you need some different stuff. And never put frosting on filly bits. That’s how you get really nasty infections and nopony wants to eat that. Yuck! To make the vanilla bean frosting, you will need the following:

½ cup of salted butter

½ cup of unsalted butter

The seeds of 1 vanilla bean

3 cups of powdered sugar

2 tablespoons of heavy cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Still with me so far?

“Oh yes… talk baking to me!”

Oh, Narrator, you’re such a pervert! I’d gigglesnort but the readers will get all worked up. If you’re a good human, I’ll let you lick the spoon when we’re done, okay? Now here we go! Baking time!

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a food processor combine milk and lavender and pulse for about 1 to 1 ½ minutes until lavender is well chopped, scraping down inside of processor once during processing. Pour into liquid measuring cup, make sure to scrape out all of milk and lavender from sides and lid, and then set aside and allow to rest.

In a mixing bowl whisk together cake flour, baking powder and salt for 30 seconds, set aside. In the bowl of an electric stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment, whip butter and sugar on medium speed until pale and fluffy, about 4 minutes, occasionally scraping down sides of bowl. Blend in honey. Add eggs one at a time and mix just until combined after each addition. Stir in vanilla. Working in 3 separate batches beginning and ending with flour mixture, add dry ingredients alternating with milk mixture, mixing just until combined after each addition. Fill paper lined muffin cups ⅔ full and bake in preheated oven 19 to 21 minutes, until a wooden stick tester thingy inserted into center comes out clean. Allow to cool several minutes in the muffin tin before transferring to a wire rack to cool. Cool completely then frost with vanilla bean frosting.

To make the vanilla bean frosting, do the following: In the bowl of a one horse power mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, whip butter and vanilla bean seeds on medium high speed until nearly white and very fluffy, sort of like Derpy’s mane after a thunderstorm, which takes about 7 to 8 minutes, frequently scraping down the sides and bottom of the bowl. Add in powdered sugar, heavy cream and vanilla extract and mix on low speed until blended, then increase speed to medium and beat until very light and fluffy, about 5 to 6 minutes, frequently scraping down the sides and bottom of the bowl. Pipe or spread over cupcakes. Got that?

“Um, actually, now I am very hungry. Could you forgive me for trying to woo you and could you make me dinner instead?”

I dunno… you kinda went nowhere with this story and all the reader has to show for reading this far is a cupcake recipe.

“Please?”

Okay, okay, fine… just… stop making those sad human eyes at me. Sheesh! But after I fix you dinner, you have to brush me and not get all gropey. Deal?

“Deal.”