Heeeeelllllooooooooo again Canturbury! You are listening to Pirate Radio! I am your Hotter-than-Celestia hostess, Jolly Rodger, bringing you news about stuff!

A few days a- what? Oh... right... that...

Fine.

Today's news brought to you by the Fifteen Biological Research Society, better farming for all.

Because apparently we’re suddenly doing advertisements now. Glad Uncle Mast is too deaf to hear this. He’d probably buck my head in for letting this happen.

Anyway... Raftwater was apparently set on fire within the past few days. Scavengers trying to sneak their way in have reported large numbers of fleeing people, and gunfire from within the city. We don't have any further details, but I can guess that someone in Bladesville finally got fed up and torched the damn place.

In other news, several beetle-breeders on the outskirts of the Eastern Fifteen Research Outpost have reported an increased number of gorgon sightings in the area. If you had any plans to go that way, make sure you pack a shit-ton of weaponry. Celestia knows you’ll need it.

Mare-Do-Well is still M.I.A., by the way. Anyone willing to help, please do so.

Last, but not least, what the- Who the fuck let him in here? Buzz, get the hell ou-ack!”

Hey there, assholes. Got a letter from a fan here. Miss Honey Mustard from Common.

Give.... back....... PRICK!

‘Dear Jolly Roger.’ Oh, sorry, ya spelled it wrong. There’s a ‘D’ in there. D for dumbass who can’t spell ‘Roger’! Hah!

FUCK.... Quiche....!

‘Why are you so obsessed with Mare-Do-Well? It’s kinda obvious that nopony cares about that stupid goody-two-hooves cunt.’ Ooh! I like this mare. Well, Miss Mustard, the reason-GAAAGH! My fucking leg!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY STUDIO! QUICHE, HELP ME!

Fuck you! The damn hero is Jolly’s fuckin’ aunt!

….BUZZ! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Jolly’s got the hots for her own aunt, HAHAHAHAHA! Suck it bit- oh shit NOT THE- AAAAAGH! MY FACE!

Hi, Ranger Quiche here. As I’m sure you can tell, we’re having some... personnel difficulties here.

BUZZ I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

You can’t even spell your fucking name right!

It’s supposed to be like that!

Uh... We’re just going to go to commercial break while I take care of this.

***

BRAWNCO THE THIRST BUCKER! It’s like drinking a SONIC RAINBOOM made out of CHAINSAWS that fire LASERS! BRAWNCO’ll make you HUGE and give you the power of EATING SOLID IRON!

The only thing MORE AWESOME than BRAWNCO is NOTHING because NOTHING is MORE AWESOME than BRAWNCO because BRAWNCO will make you INVENT NEW SPORTS because normal sports are TOO SLOW and you’ll be PAINFULLY HYPER because you’ll be drinking BRAWCO!

RAAAAAAH!

I just FARTED FIRE! Drink BRAWNCO so you can FART FIRE at ANY TIME YOU WANT! Or maybe you can FART FIRE at RANDOM because when things happen at RANDOM it’s extremely AWESOME like EXPLOSIONS or PUPPIES or MORE EXPLOSIONS!

Drinking BRAWNCO will make your BEARD even BIGGER because everypony knows that MARES LIKE MASSIVE BEARDS, but BEARDS aren’t as awesome as BEARS because BEARDS are AWESOME but BEARS will RIP YOU IN HALF WITH THEIR BARE HANDS which is a TERRIBLE PUN but it’s COMPLETELY TRUE so you should DRINK BRAWNCO and you can WRESTLE BEARS TO THE GROUND WITH YOUR TEETH but if you don’t have a BEARD then YOU JUST PLAIN SUCK but that’s okay because BRAWNCO WILL FORCE YOU TO GROW A BEARD AT GUNPOINT!

~

The undead diamond dog stumbled through the corridor, grunting in pain with every step.

“Fucking ponies...” He snarled. “Fucking useless idiot ponies.”

He wrapped his hand around the doorknob and turned it, only to be met with resistance. Rex snarled in rage and pounded his fist against the door. “FUCK! Fucking, fucking...”

He stood there, panting and pacing back and forth in front of the door, continuously muttering to himself.

He turned back to the door and pulled a fist back, only to stop when it swung open to reveal a pegasus in a silvery body suit that seemed to randomly fade in and out.

“Chamomile!” The ghoul barked. “Where the fuck have you been? Those damn slaves got away.”

“The slaves are revolting.” Came the monotonous reply.

The ghoul blinked in surprise, and his expression switched to one of amusement. “I wasn’t aware you had a sense of humor, but I’m not doing that joke. Where the fuck have you been?”

Rex’s eyes narrowed. “And what happened to the chameleon suit?”

“Electrocuted by another pegasus.” Chamomile stepped into the corridor, letting the door shut behind him, muffling the sounds of combat from outside. “And I have been thinking.”

“Thinking, eh?” Rex snarled again. “You’re not particularly good at thinking. Especially when you’re supposed to be TRACKING DOWN ESCAPEES!”

Without warning, the stallion smashed his own head into the wall. Rex simply stared in confusion. Again and again, Chamomile smashed the faceplate of his helmet into the wall, gradually breaking it away.

Rex frowned. “What.”

Chamomile stopped and, his face now exposed, glared intensely at Rex. The greenish, blood-soaked fur on his face only served to emphasize the almost glowing orange of his eyes, and the white color of the lock of mane hanging between them. “Where.”

“What do you mean ‘where’?” Rex snapped. “Be spec-GHACK!”

He suddenly found himself pinned to the wall by his throat.

“WHERE.” The pegasus reiterated.

Rex simply glared at the pegasus.

“WHERE IS SHE!”

Rex continued to glare.

Chamomile delivered a swift punch to the diamond dog’s face. “ANSWER ME!”

The ghoul pointed to his throat and made a choking noise, after which he flipped a single finger up in a rude gesture.

He then proceeded to kick Chamomile between the legs.

The pegasus released his grip and fell to the ground, clutching at his injured area and gasping in pain.

“I’m surprised, actually.” Rex straightened his tie. “This is probably the most emotion I’ve ever seen out of you. Guess I might as well tell you. I sold your little lover.”

Chamomile’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, some asshole of an independent. Cocky bastard. Didn’t even pay all that much for her. Thought he ripped me off.” Rex smirked, and delivered a kick the the stallion’s exposed ribs, cracking several of them. “Anyway, I believe that I have... things to do...”

The diamond dog strode through the door as casually as one can when they’re grunting in pain in every step, leaving Chamomile in a pile of seething rage.

~~~

“Well, shit.”

“You said it.”

The two zonies stared at the burning brothel from afar.

The stallion sighed.

"Whatcha gonna do?" The mare asked.

"Eh?"

"Well, the brothel's gone now. You gonna leave Raftwater? I know I am." The mare yawned.

Bilge frowned as a portion of the brothel's roof collapsed with a crash. "I wonder if I could get into the Lover's Guild..."

Meda blinked. "There's a Lover's Guild?"

The stallion rolled his eyes.

"You think Purity got out okay?" Meda scratched her neck with a forehoof and yawned again. "Fuck, my back hurts."

"That tends to happen after you get horribly injured." Bilge sighed again. "And I figure she got out just fine. That 'Prisoner' on the intercom sounded like her.

The two zonies remained silent for a while, simply watching as the city turned to ash around them.

"So..." Meda glanced around. "Wanna do it?"

Bilge stared at the mare for a few moments.

He shrugged. "Eh. Why not?"

~~~

The two pegasi stood in front of the office, blank yet threatening looks on their faces. Nopony dared to approach, lest they face the wrath of those guards.

The exception was the golden unicorn currently striding towards the door.

The guards glanced at each other, and tensed up, ready for a fight. "This is a restricted area."

"Is it?" The stallion blinked his pale blue eyes. "I hadn't been told."

"Well you have now. Step away and be on your business." The female guard said.

The male guard nodded in agreement.

The golden stallion glared at them, his cheerful expression suddenly changing to one of sheer hatred. His voice took on a grating quality that made both guards ears itch. "My business lies in there. Move."

"Back away, now." The mare took a firm hold on the bit for her battle saddle. "I won't warn you again."

The stallion's eyes narrowed, and his horn lit up in a dark yellow glow."I don't think I will. Let me through."

The mare growled, but when she chomped down on the firing bit, nothing happened. She glanced at her companion, who was having the same problem.

Then her jaw dropped as several pieces of his battle saddle were enveloped in the stranger's magic, and suddenly bent inwards with a loud snap. Her fellow guard screamed when the jagged pieces of metal dug into his flesh. The cracking of bone sounded through the air as the rest of the contraption began to constrict, breaking several of his ribs. The stranger’s magic enveloped his chest, and bulges could be seen under his skin as the broken sections of rib started to pull away. The mare found herself frantically pulling her own battle saddle off as it began to warp around her jaw.

"You sick bastards." The stranger growled. "Do you have any idea what you're interfering with? I will-"

The door slammed open, revealing an old, pale yellow mare in a white military uniform. "Let 'em go and get your damn flank inside."

The stranger's infuriated stare switched once me again to a calm smile, and his horn abruptly stopped glowing. “Skylight! How nice to see you! How have the foals been?”

“Don’t you dare talk about my foals you psychotic freak.” Came the mare’s deadpan reply. “You two, get up and make your way to the infirmary.”

The female guard nodded, and helped her sobbing companion to his hooves, carrying him away.

Skylight sighed, and fixed a glare on the stranger. “In.”

“Oh, no need for that. I’ll only be here for a bit.” He continued smiling. “You’re looking lovely, Skylight.

She growled. “What do you want?”

“Well, I heard you’d turned to... particular services recently. I’ve decided that I’d like to cash in those favors you owe me.” His smile widened. “I need you to find somepony for me.”

She raised an eyebrow in suspicion. “‘Find somepony’?”

“Yes. One of my experiments has...” His expression darkened. “Gone stale. Awry. I need something to catalyse it, and start it back up.”

“‘Catalyse’ it? Really?”

“Yes.” The stranger simply stared.

“Fine. Give me the information and get out.” She held out a hoof, in which the stranger placed an envelope.

“Excellent! I’ll be watching.”

With a flash of golden light, Skylight was left staring at the opposite side of the street. She sighed. “Can’t believe I’m doing this.”

She retreated into her office and pressed the intercom button on her desk. “Radlove?”

“Yes, Director?”

“I need the raptor readied up.” She pinched her brow with a wingtip. “Can’t believe I’m about to say this, but we have a job.”

“Yes, Director.”

Skylight smacked the button and sighed again. “This is gonna go to shit real fast.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Alrecht sweetheart, ye ready?" The black stallion smiled.

His daughter, a striped unicorn filly, nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah!"

"One, two..." They both took a deep breath, the third count being a silent one.

"BLOOD AND VINEGAR!" The pony and his daughter roared.

"Aye, well done!" The filly giggled as the stallion ruffled her mane.

The heavily-scarred zebra mare on the sofa rolled her eyes, the smile on her face made wider by the twin scars on her cheeks. "'Sid? Why am I letting you teach Diamond battle cries?"

"It's a famileh tradition!" He replied. "All Knives know a few war cries."

"Daddy, I wanna sword-fight! I wanna sword-fight!" Diamond cheered, bouncing up and down around her father.

The black stallion chuckled. "Alrecht, Alrecht. Calm doon, sweetheart." From behind the sofa, a pair of cardboard tubes floated out, enveloped in the stallion's blue magic. He floated one near himself, and the other to his daughter, who took it in her own almost-invisible grey glow.

"Ye remember th' spell?"

The filly nodded, and gave the tube a small kick to show it. "I'm gonna beat you, evil wizard!"

Obsidian chuckled. "Sae aam a wizard, nao? Ah think Ah can bide wi'that.”

“Yeah! And I’m Diamond the Sword Princess! Rah!” She swung the ‘sword’ in a vicious manner.

“Och, really?” The stallion grinned mischievously. “Then ‘ave at thee!”

The two swung their cardboard tubes at each other, laughing and dancing around each other in an epic battle of skill and wit.

Until Diamond started coughing.

The fight stopped instantly as Zala hopped up from the sofa and rushed over to her daughter, Obsidian moving to the kitchen to bring a glass of water, giving it to the filly once her coughing subsided, turning into a quiet wheeze.

“Oi, sounds like ‘er lungs are actin’ up again.” He sighed.

“Well, she has an appointment tomorrow. I’ll ask the doctor to check.” Zala nuzzled the filly, whose ears had gone flat against her head, and walked over to the cabinet, searching through its contents.

“Aww... I wanted to play more...” She said in a dejected manner.

“It’s alrecht sweetheart.” Obsidian smiled. “Yer still healin’. It’ll go away eventually. How about a pony-back ride, eh?”

The filly squeaked as she founded herself levitating in his magic. “Nonono! It’s too high, it’s too high!”

“‘SID, PUT HER DOWN!” Zala yelled around a pill bottle in her mouth.

“Och, goddesses, Aam an idiot. Aam sae sorry, sweetheart.” Obsidian grimaced, and gently placed Diamond back on the ground. “Ah fergot abou’ tha’...”

Diamond hugged her father’s leg. “It’s okay, daddy.”

“Ah wont’ pick ye up unless ye ask me, alrecht? Ah dun want tae scare ye.” He ruffled her mane again, as Zala hoofed him the bottle. He pulled it open and levitated one of the pills to the filly, who swallowed it. “Ye feelin’ okay?”

She rubbed her stomach. “My tummy’s still scared.”

“Eh...” Obsidian blinked.

Zala rolled her eyes. “Stress from the acrophobia. Because somepony thought a ‘pony-back ride’ was a good idea.”

“Aam sorry! Ah fergot.” He sighed dejectedly.

Zala trotted over and kissed him on the forehead. “I know. You were only trying to be nice. How about we all just go and go to bed, huh?”

As if on cue, Diamond yawned.

“Aye. Ah think that’s a guid idea.” Obsidian kissed his wife back. “Come on, sweetheart. Ah’ll read ye a story.”

“Okay, daddy.” The filly yawned again, and followed her parents to her bedroom.

Author's Notes:

Well... that took longer than expected. Actual chapter will hopefully be along next week.

Thank you Kkat, for making a nice sandbox that we can screw around in. Thank you Matkingos for making this suck far less than it could. Thank you people with eyeballs who read this crap.

Ta!