Fallout Equestria: Strange Places
Chapter 24: Chapter Twenty-Four: Love Stuff
Previous Chapter Next ChapterChapter Twenty-Four: Love Stuff
“...This is no place for a foal."
I awoke to find myself on the couch with Ashes, whose forelegs were wrapped around me. I rested my head against hers and let out a happy sigh.
The door opened, and I heard Knives groan. “Och fer th’ love ay… can’t th’ two ay ye keep yer hooves off each other long enough tae get tae th’ fuckin’ bedroom?”
I growled in mild annoyance as I sat up, the motion causing Ashes to stir.
“And ye did it oan th’ couch again.” Knives rolled her eyes.
Ashes yawned. I glared at Knives.
“Goddesses ye two, ye act like yer in heat.” Knives snorted a laugh. “Ashes, ye dae know she’s still only fifteen right? Ah mean, come oan, just wait a few months. Yer such a-“
“THAT’S IT!” I screamed. “Stop calling her that!”
Knives blinked. “Wha-“
“Do not call her a pervert again. We haven’t even done anything, you jerk.” I snarled. “How often do you come in here, whining about your couch and that we’re doing stuff on it. Well guess what…”
“Uh… well…”
“WE HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING! All we do is snog and cuddle. Nothing else. We haven’t even talked about going further. Do you think I want to get Ashes in trouble for that kinda crap?” I pointed to the earth pony in question. “Do you think she’s stupid enough to get into that kinda crap?”
Knives ears went back against her head.
“Oh, and since you’re clearly so interested in it… I am in heat, so, yes, I’m a bit frisky.” I continued. “Luna’s fucking moon, you are such a prude, Knives.”
“Ah am nae.” She replied quickly.
“Are you kidding me? You-“
Ashes interrupted me by grabbing me, spinning me around, and pressing her lips firmly to mine. As she held us close for a moment, I couldn’t help but let out a quiet moan. After what felt like way too short a time, she pulled away with a small smile.
“Cute when you’re mad.” She mumbled, letting out another yawn. “Be right back. Need coffee.”
I stared after her as she went into the kitchen, a goofy smile plastered across my face.
Knives chuckled nervously. “Hey, she managed more than five words fer once.”
I glared at her, and she shrank a bit. Though I had to be honest, Ashes really did have a hard time functioning at this time of day.
I heard the percolator start up, the gurgling sound echoing from the kitchen into the living room. I sat on the couch with my forelegs crossed, giving Knives a less-than-happy look, while she stared at the floor.
Eventually, Ashes came back, with her glasses perched on her nose, and holding a mug of coffee in her mouth. She set it down on the table, flopped onto the couch next to me, picked up the mug in her fetlocks, and chugged the whole thing.
We gave her a few more minutes for her brain to start up.
She sighed. “Okay… Zeed, I know it’s annoying, but it’s not something to get mad about.”
“Ash-“
“I’m not saying you’re wrong. Just don’t get mad about it.” she yawned yet again. "And Knives, I know it’s your couch, but you need to lighten up. You really are a prude."
"Ah am nae!"
I snorted. "Yes you are."
“You woke me up yelling about this crud. At noon.” Ashes sighed.
Knives grimaced, and scratched the back of her mane with a sigh of her own. “Alright, alright. Aam sorry. Ah’ll stop whinin’ about it. But can ye at least try and keep it off th’ couch?”
Ashes planted a big kiss of my lips again. “No promises.”
~~~
I tied off the gauze as I finished the splint around Raid's left forearm. It wasn't too severe a fracture, but it would be enough to make him limp for a while.
I shot another glare at Stock.
"What? I'm sorry, okay. Whaddaya want me to do, grovel?" She said.
"Found him!" Dad yelled from deeper within the building. "Looks like his equipment shorted out."
Stock grinned. "Exactly as planned!."
I glared at her again.
She shrugged. "It was."
"Uh-huh." I snorted. "Whatever. Knives, can you- oh for the love of Luna."
Knives simply sat there, her face bright red as she stared at Raid.
"You know, I will never understand how you manage to get so many coltfriends." I said. "You get flustered any time a buck you like says something nice."
Her face turned brighter. "Sh-shut up..." she squeaked.
"Hello? Anyone hearing me?" Dad yelled again. “I've got an unconscious bad-guy stuck in a pile of rubble here.”
"We're coming, dad!" I called back.
I gave Stock one last glare before I followed dad’s voice into the building.
The room, formerly the office for a storage lot, now had a massive hole in the ceiling where the invisible pony crashed through. Dad stood at the bottom of a pile of broken shelves and concrete chunks, digging into them. In the middle of it, I could see a reflective, silvery-colored hoof.
I started shoving aside concrete chunks' while dad carefully pulled the formerly invisible pony out. Stock came in after us, with Raid thrown over her back and across her machine guns. Knives stayed just outside the entrance, occasionally glancing back towards Raid.
I joined dad in getting the pony out of the rubble. As soon as we got his leg out, he began struggling weakly.
“Wow…” I said. “How come he’s still up?”
Dad grunted as he lifted a broken beam. “Probably ‘cuz of the suit.”
I pulled another leg free. “True, but he still has part of a building on top of him. He shouldn’t be struggling this much.”
“I guess we’re about to see.” Dad removed the last piece of rubble, and I dragged the formerly invisible pony onto the floor, where he weakly struggled to move his limbs, and his wings twitched every so often.
He wore a silvery full-body suit, with a helmet of the same color, though its visor was a bright blue. The suit kept fading in and out of my sight and making a loud crackling noise as he struggled to get his hooves to his face.
“What are we gonna do with him?” Stock asked.
“I doubt the suit is of much use.” Dad sait. “No point in taking it. And considering that its skin-tight, I think we can safely assume he has nothing else on him.”
“You sure about that?” Stock chuckled.
“Do you wanna frisk him?” Dad replied.
I gave the helmet a tug. “Knives, does that pipbuck say anything about him?”
Knives started. “Huh? Wha?”
I rolled my eyes. “Knives, stop ogling Raid and check the pipbuck.”
I glanced back to see her blushing as she levitated the device out and started flicking through the menus, still occasionally glancing back at her crush.
“Maybe we can use him as a bargaining chip?” Stock said.
Dad shook his head. “Doubt it.”
I tried to pry the helmet open with a screwdriver.
“Uh… Zeed? What are you doing?" Stock asked.
"I'm trying to get this helmet off before he suffocates." I grunted with the effort as I tried to wedge the screwdriver in between the cracks. "Dad, can you help me with this?"
With a grin, dad moved the pegasus’ head straight. He then pulled his hoof back and drove it into the visor, which sprouted spider-web-like cracks beneath his hoof.
I smiled. “Heh. Thanks dad.”
I stuck the screwdriver into one of the larger cracks and slowly wedged it in, widening the hole and letting the air in.
I was almost happy to hear the stallion start gulping down air.
I jabbed a syringe into his leg and gave him a dose of med-x. He let out a low, pained groan as I did.
"So..." Dad began, grinning at the pegasus. "Anything to say for yourself?"
“No.” The pegasus’ voice was a low monotone, eerily devoid of emotions.
“What about the fact that the collars are duds?” I snorted.
He turned his head towards me. “I see”
“‘I see’?” Dad laughed. “That’s probably the most profound thing I’ve ever heard from a slaver.”
The silver-suited pony was silent, apart from his raspy breaths.
“So what do you think we should do with you?” Dad’s eyebrow raised.
“Kill me.” The pony said simply.
We all blinked at him.
“You asked.”
“I’d really rather not kill anypony, thanks.” I said. “I haven’t done it so far, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
Dad hrrm-ed for a second, and pulled me aside. “Axy, how long have you been out here, anyway?”
I tapped my chin in thought. “Not too long. We’ve been trying to find you for most of it.”
He smiled. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay. You’re already doing better than I did.”
“Thanks, dad.” I gave him a quick hug. “But seriously, I’d really rather not kill anypony.”
Dad gave me a sad look and let out a sigh. “I hope you don’t have to, but this is the wasteland. It’s unavoidable.”
The formerly invisible pegasus coughed. “I believe you were interrogating me?”
Dad chuckled. “Yeah. Mind telling us if the collars are really duds?”
“I think that much should be obvious.” He said matter-of-factly. “None of the slavers have detonators, the one we have is not, technically speaking, a detonator, and even if it was, the collars don’t even have explosives in them.”
Dad and I both blinked.
"Well... at least you're cooperative." Dad laughed. "Anything else you can tell us?"
"No."
"He was right. We should just kill him." Stock snorted.
"Looks like Rex doesnae really like Chamomile. Unless he's talking about the' tea." Knives popped back in, the pipbuck hovering in front of her face. "Ah can't read half at this crap, but Ah doubt he'd spend three pages ranting about all th’ things a drink has done wrong."
"Whaddaya mean 'you can't read it'?" Stock said, trotting over to the striped unicorn. "Oh... well then. Shame Blue's out. Can either of you read Shuck?"
Dad looked to me. I shrugged.
"I didn't even know that was a language." I said.
Dad quirked an eyebrow. “That reminds me... Est-il raisonnable de supposer que votre mère a continué de vous forcer à apprendre le françheval?”
I sighed. “Papa, je préfère ne pas parler de- I-I mean, I’d rather not talk about mom right now.”
He grimaced. “Ah. I’m gues-”
“Dad!” I groaned. “Please just don’t... She and I haven’t... spoken in a while. And we’re kinda in the middle of something.”
He glanced around. “Right. Bad timing.”
With a cough, he turned back to the pegasus. “Who are you?”
“My name is Chamomile.”
He said nothing else.
“Okay... Where did you get a stealth suit like that?” Dad continued.
“Rex gave it to me,” was the monotone reply.
Dad let out an annoyed sigh.
I stepped up to the pony. “Why are you working with him?”
He turned his head towards me.
“Because he owns me.”
I quirked an eyebrow. “You’re a slave?”
He nodded. “He has something of mine. Something he gave to me, but took away. Something I wish I could see again... even if just once.”
“What?”
Chamomile said nothing.
“We’ve got incomin’.” Knives whispered. “There’s ten or twelve ay them comin’ this way.”
"Oh, well isn't that lovely." I said. "Now we have slavers after us... AGAIN!”
I huffed, and dad patted me on the shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.”
“It would be best for you if you simply left.” Chamomile said. “Leave Raftwater.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Not very loyal to your boss, are you.”
“I am not loyal to him.” He replied in that same monotone. “I twist his commands as much as I possibly can without him noticing. I do anything I can to slow his plans without him realizing what I’m doing. But he still owns me, and I still must obey him. I am sorry.”
We all stared at him for a moment. Eventually, Stock shook her head and sighed in frustration. “I really, really fucking hate it when ponies act all creepy like that.”
“Whatever, let’s just tie him down and go.” I growled.
“Fuck that, let’s just kill him and be done with it!” Stock yelled.
Dad snorted. “Oh, come on. He’s obviously not entirely willing to do this. Give the poor buck a break.”
“He’s an invisible slaver! I don’t care what he says.”
With a snarl of annoyance, I grabbed Stock, dug into her saddlebags, whipped out her rope, hogtied Chamomile, and threw him into the nearest closet. “Problem solved. Let’s fucking go, already.”
Dad laughed, and gave me a quick hug before we charged out the backside of the building and into the alleyways of Raftwater.
“So what now?” He yelled.
Raid let out a loud groan.
“Of course!” I growled. “Now he wakes up.”
“Fuuuck, duuude...” He slurred. “My frickin’ back hurts.”
“I knew it! You do still have it!” Stock cheered happily. “You still totally talk like a surfer!”
“What?” Knives asked incredulously, running just beside the ghoul. “Th’ hell are ye talkin’ about?”
“Dude, I do not have a freakin’ accent.” Raid continued. “And why the fuck am I on top a’ ya? Oh, goddesses that came out wrong. Just stop runnin’ for a sec.”
“Can’t. Slavers are coming again.” Stock said.
“I’m serious. Stop running or I’m gonna puke on you.”
“Oh come on! Your motion sickness isn’t that bad!” Stock whined.
“No, but I was recently HIT BY LIGHTNING!” He snapped. “And... and... oh fuck... I doubt the rocking is he-urp... helping any...”
“Fine. just gimme a-”
“No!” I said. “We’re not stopping again!”
“Calm down, Axy. It’s only for a minute. We’ll be fine.” Dad said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
My jaw dropped in disbelief. “Dad, don’t jinx us!”
He blinked at me. “Uh... Sorry?”
“Great, the second we stop we’ll probably get ambushed or something.” I groaned.
“Zeed, ye read too many comics.” Knives snorted.
“Oh, so you managed to keep the ones I gave you, then?” Dad grinned.
“Yeah. Had to hide them from mom, though.” I rolled my eyes. “She wanted to throw them away.”
“Pfft, of course she did. Bitch.” He snorted.
“That’s kind of an understatement, dad.”
“Okay, I understand that this is the first time you two have seen each other in years, but is this really the best time?” Stock smirked at me.
I sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s keep going. We should be able to-”
The floor in front of me suddenly sprouted several puffs of dust, making me yelp and rear back in surprise.
"There they are, haha! Tear 'em apart!"
"Run!" I shrieked.
I was tackled by a striped blur as dad shoved me into a side street. The space behind us was soon filled with the explosion of a grenade. I heard Stock howling in pain over the ringing in my ears.
As the smoke cleared, I saw her snarling at something down the alley, Raid and Knives had been thrown against a wall, and both were dazed by the explosion. They shakily brought themselves back to their hooves.
I called out to them.
Stock clenched her teeth down on the firing bit, and the guns on her battle saddle started spewing lead down the alley. The startled yells of slavers getting hit was barely audible over the noise.Another grenade popped into the alley. With a flap of her featherless wings, the ghoul zipped into the air, and quickly settled back onto a rooftop.
Raid caught sight of the grenade, pushed Knives inside a building, and slammed the door shut, barely in time to avoid the shrapnel.
“Axy, come on. Let’s see if we can sneak up behind them.” Dad whispered.
“I can’t sneak for shit, dad!”
“Don’t worry.” He smiled. “You’ll be fine. Just stay near me and don’t make a sound.”
Nervously biting my lip, I followed him through the dark alleys, towards the shouting and whooping of the slavers.
“Dad, this is a terrible idea!”
“Oh, we’ll be fine.” He said with a smile. “They won’t see us.”
“What are you even going to do? There’s a shitload of them.”
His expression turned into a mischievous grin, and he continued on. “I recognize a few of them.”
“Dad? Dad!” I groaned, and walked behind him as quietly as I could manage.
“How are you gentlecolts?” He asked cheerily.
Suddenly, the slavers stopped their cheering and turned to him. I couldn’t help but cringe as he glared at the two of us.
Dad kept grinning. “All your guns are belong to me. You have no chance to survive, make your time.”
I facehoofed. “Dad, did you seriously just say that?”
They burst out laughing.
“You?” One chortled. “What, are we just gonna give ‘em to ya?”
“Pretty much, yeah.” Dad’s grin grew even wider.
“Like hell we are!” Another slaver cheered, inciting the others to take threatening stances, malicious grins on their faces. I swallowed nervously, hoping that dad knew what he was-
“Oh! Oh, I am so sorry. I guess it must be hard to recognize me without the...” He chuckled. “Without the wolf-skull helmet.”
Several of their faces fell, their eyes going wide in shock.
“Ah, I see some of you remember me. Good! So you know what I’ll do to you if you put my family in danger. Guess what...” Dad frowned at them. “That applies to my friends, allies, acquaintances, and anyone else I might happen to like. I think you know where I’m going with this.”
Stock dropped down in front of dad, and opened fire on the clustered slavers, making them scatter. About half of them ran away, while the rest dove for whatever cover they could find. The ones that failed were torn apart by the barrage.
“Awww, I wanted to be dramatic.” Dad joked.
“No time!” Stock said. “Assholes incoming. Ten o’clock.”
“Seriously? Damn. they’re smarter than I gave them credit for.” Dad snickered. “Alright, let’s go get your friends and fuck off.”
I couldn’t help but feel a pang of... I think it was jealousy that he had another family. Whatever it was, I wasn’t proud of myself for feeling it, and pushed it into the back of my mind with a sigh.
As we trotted back the way we’d come, Stock kept a vigilant watch on the slavers still running around, shooting any of them who dared to pop up and attack us. Dad just smirked and chuckled with every bloody kill.
“Dad, that’s... that’s kinda creepy.” I said. “Why do you keep laughing.”
“Because every one of these shitheads she kills now, is one that can’t hurt another slave later.” He said. “Luna knows they’re hurt enough just being slaves at all. They don’t need idiotic tortures stacked on top of it. And these fucks scared Misty half to death.”
“Wh-why’s that?” I asked, that feeling rising up in my throat again.
His eyes narrowed. “Bad memories. She was... a slave for a while. Those bastards deserve-”
“WHAT?” Stock screamed as she slammed into the ground hooves-first. “Misty? As in Misty Air? The first to leave Spectrum?”
Dad blinked. “Yes?”
“How in the fuck did she get caught?” Stock asked, her expression one of shock. “She’s been gone for like, nineteen years!”
“I think that’s up to her to tell.” Dad frowned. “Why?”
“Fuck... I thought she died years ago!”
“Huh. That’s what Raid said too.” I mused.
“And she has a foal too? How the fuck did that happen?” Stock continued her rant.
“Again, that’s up to her to tell.” Dad replied with a glare. “I’m not saying anything. End of discussion.”
“Alright, alright...” The ghoul said. “Still glad to hear she’s fine, though.”
There was a series of explosions nearby.
I groaned. “I think I miss the Prison. Things didn’t explode as much.”
“Heh, you weren’t around when Minty was Captain.” Dad grinned. “He was fucking awesome. Oh shit, that’s not good...”
My jaw dropped. The building where Knives and Raid had taken cover was on fire. Slavers ran back and forth through the street, whooping and cheering as the fire spread to the buildings around it.
My guts twisted with anxiety as I watched the first structure collapse, my friends’ hiding place now destroyed. “Th-that’s... that’s the one where...”
“Axy, stay calm. just breathe.” Dad said, gently putting a hoof on my shoulder.
“They should be fine. Blue can just fly both of ‘em-”
“Raid has a broken leg, and Knives is too scared of heights to let him carry her from there anyway.” I said, my eyes tearing up.
“Don’t jump to conclusions, kiddo. With the way they kept checking each other out, I highly doubt they’d let each other get hurt.”
“They’re both moro-ho-ho-hoooons!” I sobbed, and charged towards the burning structure. “They’d probably just get stuck somewhere and die from the smoke!”
“Axy, wait!”
I started to clamber over the wreckage as soon as I arrived, barely hearing the fire of a gun as Stock shot down the slavers who noticed me.
“Knives? Raid?” I yelled, digging into a random spot.
“Dammit, Zeed, that is not how you do a fire rescue!” Stock yelled.
“You have a better idea?” I snarled.
She shrank back a bit. “No...”
I returned to searching, frantically calling out the names of my friends. I think I heard somepony calling me back in response.
“Just help me find them!” I screamed at nopony in particular.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when dad’s voice roared in my ear. “ZEEDERA NAZILU VAZJIR AXADEL DOREKKA KAZDRI!”
I spun around and blinked at him. His face bore an expression of mixed irritation and sympathy.
“That’s yer full name?” Asked Knives’ voice. I quickly glanced around to try and find where it came from. “What the fuck?”
“Knives? Where-”
“Look down.”
I was standing on top of a door. A large metal door in the ground, with a large beam jammed through it. Through the jagged hole, I could see a slitted silver eye looking out at me. “Ah’ve been yellin’ yer name fer a couple ay minutes nao. Ye alright?”
“I... I...” I gaped at her. “I thought you were... heh, I'm just glad you’re okay...”
“Raid and Ah managed tae find this door when the place caught fire. It’s nae budgin’ nao, though. Can ye move what’s blockin’ it?”
I frowned at the seven-foot support beam, and looked at dad, who shook his head. “No. Can you find another way out?”
“Aye. Raid said there’s a tunnel escape in th’ basement.” Knives said. “It’ll take awhile tae make our way out, though.”
"Alright. Uh... I... guess I’ll see you later then?”
“Aye. If we dunnae meet back here, Ah’ll see ye in Bladesville.” She snorted a laugh. "Dorekka."
I growled. "Hey, remember when I broke Ashes' nose?"
With a nervous laugh, the striped unicorn popped out of sight, accompanied by the sound of hooves tromping away.
Dad rubbed my shoulder. “See? They’re alright.”
I sighed. “Yeah. I know. Now what are we gonna do?”
Dad grinned mischievously. “I have a few ideas.”
~~~
Barkeep the Fifth watched the two young ponies scarf down food like it was the first they'd seen in years, her face bearing an expression of amusement. Green was already on her fourth ear of corn, while the younger Barkeep the Sixth was catching up with his third. The elder smirked at her first ear of corn, still only half-eaten and levitating in her magic.
"Wish I could still eat like that..." She muttered to herself as she took another bite.
“Su, Grnnn... Whaddaya dof fuf fuh?” The younger asked, spraying bits of corn everywhere and drawing a few chuckles from some of the other ponies in the dive.
The mare chuckled. “Six, don’t talk with your mouth full.”
He swallowed. “Sorry, mom. So what do you do for fun, Green?”
The Fifth blinked as she realized what her son had just asked, immediately starting to worry about what might be a sensitive topic for the filly.
“Uh... well... I kinda like... um... uh...” Green squeaked and started digging into her corn again.
“It’s okay, Green. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” The Fifth said with a sad smile.
Her son shrugged, and returned to devouring corn.
“R-reading...” Green said quietly.
The mare blinked. “Say again?”
“I-I l-l-like reading... when I can...” The young pegasus repeated. “B-but I haven’t had any books since Bark s-sold m-m-my m-mom...”
The younger Barkeep stopped eating to gape at the filly. “S-sold your mom?”
Green nodded solemnly.
The colt gave his mother a scared look, and scooched closer to her, after which he returned to his corn, this time more warily. Green seemed to sink further into herself.
The older Barkeep smiled sadly. “Well, it’s good to hear that you have something you enjoy. Did you read anything in particular?"
"Yeah! Like Daring Do or Mare-do-well." The colt cheered, spraying corn everywhere.
“W-well...” Green poked a cob of corn with a forehoof, and her lips curled up slightly. “Bark used to have th-this old science book... um... cooking... I always thought that was interesting...”
The mare’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “DId you just say cooking?”
Green’s smile widened. “Y-yeah. Bark was trying to cook for a while, but he got mad and gave up. When he threw the cookbooks away, I... uh... s-stole them... b-but he threw them away again when he found out and... uh... did... things...”
The mare winced as Green's face fell again. "I'm... I'm so sorry to hear that, Green. At least things should get better, right?"
Green nodded, her smile returning again. "I wish I'd gotten a chance to try some of that, though. It looked fun."
The younger Barkeep grinned. "Yeah, you could make all kinds of cake and stuff! That would be awesome."
The mare smiled. "There's more to cooking than cake, Six."
He puffed his cheeks out. "But all that other stuff is dumb."
Green frowned and puffed up a bit.
"It's not dumb! It... it..." She shrank down again. "It could be useful..."
Barkeep the Fifth gave her son a stern look. "Six, don't be mean."
"What? I'm not..." He stopped and glanced over at the pegasus filly, who heaved a sigh, and solemnly returned to her corn. Six's ears fell. "Oh... sorry..."
His mother thought for a moment, and grinned. "Green? How would you like it if I taught you a few things about cooking?"
The filly's widened, and a smile suddenly sprung to life across her face as she frantically nodded.
----
Footnote 1: Diamond Knives
EXP 99%
~~~
Footnote 2: Zeed Kazdri
EXP: 76%
~~~
Footnote 3: Raid (???)
EXP:56%
`
To-Do List:
Active Quest:
Where For Art Thou?:
-Find Raid
-Find Knives
-Completed
Other quests:
Layin’ Down The Rails:
Find a way to remove bomb-collars
-Find a way inside Raftwater without getting killed
O’ Father, Where Art Thou?:
Infiltrate or assault the Bone Eaters’ base near Bladesville.
-Escape Raftwater.
Sifting Through The Dust:
1) Find information on the location of Ashes.
2) Find information on the location of Obsidian Knives
3)Find information on the location of Nezan Kazdri
Next Chapter: Chapter Twenty-Five: Objectives On Map Are Further Than They Appear Estimated time remaining: 5 Hours, 3 MinutesAuthor's Notes:
Okay... So... Late again.
Well, it's better than never getting them out at all, at least.
In my defense, I've been pretty busy lately.
Nevertheless, next chapter should be in two weeks, assuming nothing goes horribly, horribly wrong.