Author's Notes:

Added on 11 May 2016

Laughter Lives!
Pinkamena Diane Pie Survives Harrowing Experience!
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By: Quill Pen
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CANTERLOT--- They say that during the darkest of times, one can always turn to Laughter to find the light. Laughter, like every Element of Harmony, cannot die, but their wielders can. Thankfully Laughter’s wielder never died.
After the escalation of violence in Equestria we finally see a flicker of hope as Pinkamena Diane “Pinkie” Pie was brought to the Canterlot Royal Hospital after Airmare Rainbow Dash brought her to the hospital following the terrible incident at the abandoned Flim Flam warehouse.
An anonymous source has said that Pinkie Pie was in a coma when he last saw her. I was also told by the said source that Captain Shining Armor had ordered her survival to be kept a secret.

Why you may ask? Some have speculated he had orchestrated the infamous Warehouse Massacre as part of his war against the Equestrian Investigation Bureau, and was hoping that Pinkamena Diane Pie and Rainbow Dash would perish in the suicide mission. Naturally such a thought is beyond ridiculous, given Captain Shining Armor’s fantastic record in keeping Equestria safe.
Continued on Next Page.

Shining Armor steps into his workplace, his tired eyes burning and head throbbing from more than just a hangover and a night on the couch. He stares straight ahead, lips curled to a nasty frown and Quill Pen's recent article crumpled in what little magic his healing horn can spare. That only makes the headache worse, and try as he might, he really does not care what Case Study is saying to him, and her constant yapping is only hurting his ears.

To make matters worse for the Captain, as he walks towards his office he notices that there are very few ponies actually working. Most are crowded around a radio, listening to DJ-Pon3 yapping on about whatever it is she is yapping about in her grating, alcohol guzzling, pill-popping, infidelity loving voice.

“I don’t know what the hay happened over at Gilda’s place, but man that was some intense shit,” says DJ Pon3. “Gilda put up one heck of a fight. She hospitalized Director Brisk Wind, took out a freaking zeppelin, and now, from what I hear of my sources, she’s in the hospital after being shot a dozen times. How she’s still alive is beyond me.”

Case Study falls silent and Shining Armor marches right up to the unsuspecting crowd.

“I’ll get more information about this whole thing as soon as I can,” says DJ-Pon3. “But before I go I want to give a word of warning to everypony in Baystone. Your protests have stirred the hornets nest and thanks to a few honest journalists and mail I’m getting all kinds of stuff about ponies disappearing left and right in the dark of the night. So keep your eyes peeled and your ears open and stay safe.”

“There better be a good reason why none of you are working!” exclaims Shining Armor. The ponies around the radio nearly jump out of their skin and scatter as Shining Armor shouts: “Back to work! You can listen to all the radio you want when you’re off your shift!”

He uses his magic to unplug the radio with a hard, swift tug and marches into his office with the radio in tow. When he enters his office he carelessly tosses the radio aside, not caring when he hears its casing crack or sees a little shower of sparks in his peripheral vision. He sits at his desk and grumbles to himself when he looks at the stack of paperwork in his basket.

“Captain, are you okay?” asks Case Study.

Shining Armor huffs and starts flipping through his mail, loathing how they all look the same in their stamped manila envelops.

“I'm fine, Case Study. I just love it when my wife locks me out of my room and I have to go to work with a headache and a bunch of slackers,” says Shining Armor.

Case Study's ears droop. “Oh. Did you, um, see the package?”

Shining Armor sighs. “I just got here.”

“Right. I'm sorry.”

Shining Armor flips through some more mail before coming across a book-sized block wrapped in brown, crinkly wrapping paper. He picks it up and sees that whoever sent it to him has sloppy handwriting, given that he could barely read: To: Shining Armor, From: Scratch Attack.

Seeing that name leaves him more ill in the head than he already is.

“Is this the package you were talking about?” asks Shining Armor.

Case Study nods. “Yes, sir. Security already checked it. Its safe.”

Shining Armor snorts skeptically, but still unwraps it. Once the gift is revealed he arches an eyebrow while his secretary tilts her head questionably, for it is a yearbook with a velvety cover that has a coat of arms of a prestigious school on it. The coat of arms consists of a scroll, an atom, drama masks, and math utensils in each of its quadrants with a star in the middle, and underneath, written in calligraphy inside a wavy scroll is: University of Stalliongrad.

Shining Armor carefully flips through the pages, his brows scrunched in concentration, and after a short while he comes across a page with the corner bent and he sees that its a photo of a group of friends having a good time with goofy poses at some party. With all the booze and cheap décor he is certain he knows what kind of party it is. He takes a closer look and realizes that he recognizes all of the ponies in the photo.

Brisk Wind has her front hooves wrapped around Lock as he gives her a piggyback ride, and laughing at a younger Glimmer Fuller in his ROTC uniform is Quill Pen. Though, Fuller does not seem to be sharing her amusement. This honestly does not surprise Shining Armor at all.

Shining Armor continues flipping the pages until he comes across another bent page. Same thing. Quill Pen, Brisk Wind, Lock, and Fuller all together at some party with the emotionally dead unicorn still lacking any personality. He skims through it in a more frantic manner, stopping and becoming more shocked as each bent page reveals more photos of the quadrant of terror. When he reaches the part where all the students have their own thumbnail photo, he sees that each of them have been circled and their class highlighted. They were all in the same graduating class.

Shining Armor slams the book shut and looks at Case Study.

“I need you to bring in Vinyl Scratch, immediately. Do not tell anypony anything and you report everything directly to me, got it?” says Shining Armor.

“Sir?” says Case Study.

“No mail. No calls. Not even smoke signals. Word of mouth is how you will report when you get her in. No exceptions.” Shining Armor puts the yearbook in his safe, and just for good measure he puts a shield spell around it, and then he shoves Case Study out the door, shouting: “Outoutoutoutout!”

Case Study stammers incoherently, and when she is out the door Shining Armor slams it shut and pushes a button on his wall near his desk. From the wall a bulky communications rig slides out, and he grabs a phone book perched next to the device and flips through it until he comes across the number he wants. He frantically dials the number and taps his hoof impatiently as he listens to the phone attempt connection.

“Hello?” says a stallion on the other end. A stallion that Shining Armor does not want to talk to.

“Who the heck is this?” says Shining Armor.

“What do you mean? You called me!”

“No I didn’t! I called... Colt is that you?”

“... Yeah. Who is this?”

“This is Shining Armor. What are you doing at L. Roy’s house?”

“Oh, hey Shining! I haven't heard from you in a long, I forgot what you sounded like."

"Colt..."

"Right. Um, I'm having cider and grilling daisies. Sorry we didn't invite you because, well, you haven't talked to us since you married, so... Yeah.”

“I don't care. Just put L. Roy on.”

“Yeah, he’s in the bathroom, right now.”

“Bullshit. Put him on.”

“You can leave me a message and number and I'll give it to him.”

“Put him on!”

There is a moment of silence, some muffled noise, and then a grumpy voice on the other end.

“This is Jerkins,” says the new stallion.

“L. Roy, it's Shining.”

“Oh, Sparkle Sparkle Boom Colt. Long time, no talk. What can I do for you?”

Shining Armor facehoofs at that remark and growls when he hears Colt laughing in the background.

“L. Roy, listen, I need you to pick up somepony off the books. Can you do that?” says Shining Armor.

“No. Its off my shift, against regulations, and I just got off of suspension, so... No.”

“I need you to pick up Quill Pen.”

“...When do you want her?”

Nearly two hours later Shining Armor walks into a concrete room with a single cell and window where a couple of guards are slacking off. One is reading the New Yoke Times and the other one is messing with the radio. They are oblivious to the nasty screeching noise the metal door made when it swings open, and remained oblivious when he slams the door shut. But he gets their attention when he turns the radio off. Both guards stop what they are doing and look up at him. Then their jaws drop and they jump to their feet, saluting.

“Captain Armor, we weren’t expecting you,” says the guard messing with the radio.

“So I’ve noticed. Get out, both of you,” says Shining Armor.

The two guards run out, and after the door shuts Shining Armor puts a shield around the room and approaches the cell. He sees a colorful tail poking out from under a dirty, gray blanket with an obviously fake snore, and when he bangs on the cell and the snoring becomes more exaggerated.

“Airmare Dash, approach the cell,” orders Shining Armor.

“Sorry, too busy sleeping,” yawns Rainbow Dash.

To emphasize her point, she yawns even louder, stretches out, and then curls up under her blanket. Shining Armor frowns and uses his magic to pull her out of her bed. She yelps and tries to grab the sheets, but her hooves do nothing except make them messy, and when she’s against the bars, he forces her to stand up.

“As a soldier, you should know better,” says Shining Armor as he looks down at her.

Rainbow Dash blows some of her vibrant mane out of her eyes. Even by her standards they are messy, they are clumpy from oil buildup and some dirt has caked itself around her. Her normally bright coat also looks dim and she has a bags under her eyes.

“You don’t look so good,” says Shining Armor.

“Getting a court martial for saving a friend usually makes a mess of ponies,” says Rainbow Dash. “Now what do you want? Are you here to tell me that I disappointed you? Or disappointed the Royal Guards? Or are you here to say how much I suck?”

“I’m here to give you a way out. As Captain of the Royal Guard I can pull strings to get you out of this mess and return you to your unit.”

Rainbow Dash scoffs and starts towards her cot. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m perfectly fine in my cozy little cell, out of Soarin’s sight.”

Shining Armor raises an eyebrow. “Really? Are you turning into Fluttershy now and hiding whenever somepony hurts your feelings?”

Rainbow Dash glares at Shining Armor as he steps closer to the cell, her feathers ruffled and eyes narrowed,.

“I’m giving you a way out, Rainbow Dash, and if you’re going to be an idiot and turn me down for whatever reason, then you deserve to have your dishonorable discharge,” says Shining Armor.

Rainbow Dash looks down, swallowing tears and when the Captain of the Royal Guard calls her and taps his hoof against the bar, she looks at him out of the corner of her eye.

“What’s the catch?” asks Rainbow Dash quietly, her voice cracking and trembling.

“I need you to be my eyes and ears in Research and Development. Being as Chrysaor is Major Fuller’s greatest work he’s going to be keeping a noticeable presence,” says Shining Armor. “All subject entrees and discharges have to be approved by me, and since I have not signed anything you are still in the program.”

Rainbow Dash wipes her eyes and turns to Shining Armor, her head cocked quizzically.

“You want me to spy on the guy I punched?” asks Rainbow Dash uneasily.

“You won’t have much time,” says Shining Armor. “Fuller will be moving to lead the Civilian Defense Agency soon and will be replaced by Twilight.”

“Twilight? You mean our Twilight?”

Shining Armor nods. “I’m going to pardon you of all charges under grounds of the Good Holon Law, and being that you have an exceptional status with me backing you you’ll be fine. That is if you agree to be my eyes and ears. So, do we have a deal?”

Rainbow Dash stares at him and he extends his hoof without taking his eyes off of her. Rainbow Dash hesitates, and then she nods and touches his hoof.

“Deal.”