‘Why is it so loud? Ugh, my head….’ A loud rumbling and dull roar was constant, along with a serious amount of jostling in the seat he could feel he was strapped into. ‘Am I on a plane?!’ He suddenly thought in absolute terror, and opened his eyes only to be utterly confused at the sight of a ton of...are those holographic screens? ‘Propulsion nominal, breakaway rocket is in peak performance for breaching atmosphere, we shouldn’t have any problem-wait, ATMOSPHERE?!’

“AH~! What was I thinking?! I hate heights!” He suddenly panicked, his smooth voice cracking as he yanked on his restraints, only to have a...is that a talon?! Yeah! A hand-shaped talon just grabbed onto his arm, and he jerked his head to the right to see a...what?

“Calm down! I know this sort of thing is upsetting, but it’s you’re own fault for trying to tranq yourself for the flight, and end up sleeping through all the pre-launch prep.” The voice, the hood...those vibrant purple eyes...the way this...griffon? Yes, griffon’s plumage was also purple told me everything; somehow, this...yes, humanoid given the breasts...anthro-griffon woman was Athena, from Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel!

“Buddy, calm down. It’s weird, get over it.” Came a gritty robotic sounding voice. The panicking passenger turned his attention to his left to see a...is that an anthro-unicorn? He had a faded gray-yellow coat of fur, it seemed the kind of tone that came with abuse or malnutrition. But his gray-white hair and epic beard, along with that cybernetic right eye solidified to him that this was Wilhelm...and he knew him personally?

“Wilhelm?! When did we get on this rocket?! I don’t remember agreeing to this!” ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why do I know him? What’s all this info being crammed into my head?!’ He put his hands to his face, and finally noticed. His head was equine, rather than human. He looked down at his hands to see they were covered in a ‘bright idea’ yellow, not too bright, not too dark. He then instinctively activated his Echo UI to look at himself, and he gawked.

He was...apparently, according to his appearance and outfit: Doppelganger! Only ponified into an anthro unicorn too. But damn...that chiseled muzzle and perfect mane, and them expressive green eyes...sexy. ‘Wait...coming back to me. Me and my pal James went to GameCon dressed as Jack’s Doppelganger and Wilhelm respectively...something happened with a Merchant...then blank….’ “James?”

“Dude, not cool, no middle names.” He growled, and Jack grinned sheepishly back. “Honestly, I don’t want to have to tranq you again. Wasn’t fun the first time, not gonna be fun the second time. You know you kicked me in the nads when you went under? Luckily for me, I wear a cup.”

“Whoa, sorry Wil. You know I can’t take these things so well. Fucking Acrophobia.” ‘And of course...even in this...extremely surreal situation, my phobia is at full tilt as ever. Why did Jack and I have to be so damn alike NOW of all times?’ The griffon Athena to Jack’s right blinked in surprise as he looked over at her when she let go of his arm.

“You got on a rocket to the moon...when you’re terrified of any sort of heights?” She asked incredulously, and shook her head. “I don’t know if you’re brave, or foolish to be in this line of work then.”

“I vote that Jack’s a total tough-guy! Kinda have to, since I can’t be negative about anything!” Oh no! Not him! Not a Claptrap! Hate those things!

“He’s got student loans.” Wilhelm said. “Would you pass a job that pays this much?”

“I’m already a graduate, finished my engineering bachelor’s degree in a few months rather than years, and dropped the rest since none of the hussies would leave me be. I hated school for a reason.” Jack informed, and sighed. “Of course, the student loans I took out wouldn’t let me return the extra money. Insisting I paid in installments with interest, and keep my loan money in a secure account so I can’t use it save for myself. So; I decided to use it to find work, and there’s no shortage of work for mercs.” ‘What? I’m not a body double? I’m...gotta think about this….’

“Well babe, if you need money; I have need of a cabana boy for my summer home on Tropis.” Jack looked behind him to see a frosty-blue scaled dragoness that was...quite endowed. Even in such a posh and upper-class dress she flaunted herself with pride. But rather than be aroused, Jack actually felt...repulsed. Not by her race, or anything like that, but the way she spoke, the way she undressed him with her eyes like all the loveless whores who drove him away from his proper education made him dislike her instantly. She did have lovely frills though, odd to see a dragon curl them.

“He’s been staying with me, as of late.” Wilhelm said. “I’ve had use of his tech skills. He’s been handy to help out with my cybernetics. Kinda hard to install a cannon onto your own back. Either way, I’m pretty sure he’s over qualified to be a ‘cabana boy’ at your summer home. Kid deserves a better pay than that.”

“More pay than 20 dollars an hour to do almost nothing compared to all this grisly work? Only reason I’m here is because my whelp of a brother decided to eject me from his home, and neglect to toss out my purse along with most of my guns.” The dragoness pouted, the offer being standard pay for such a job, but Jack wanted out of his debt in a few more months from now, not years.

“Sorry babe, but this work’s exciting, and pays really well. Me and Wilhelm here have only been at it most of a year as a team and we’ve made enough to live comfortably as is, but Hyperion money? Oh-ho, so going to wipe the debt, and then it’s smooth sailing from there.” Jack stated, and the dragoness leered at him, clearly unhappy with him rebuffing her. ‘Suck it bitch, no wait, don’t actually. That would mean I’m interested in some way.’

“So we have a rich bitch, an annoying robot, a sexy and smart guy, a badass cyborg, and a former Atlas assassin. I’m probably the most normal one here besides the smart guy.” The last member of the six sitting in the safety harnesses was also an anthro pony, but the tops of her folded wings told her to be a pegasus. She tipped her desperado cowgirl hat in greeting and grinned predatorily. Her lustrous golden-tan fur just outlined all her extremely sexy and beautiful facial aspects, and her hazel eyes were captivating. Her dark brown mane was casually tied back in a ponytail, but left bangs to frame her face. “Like what you see Handsome?”

Jack bolted to face forward. She was a bad lady, and he knew he shouldn’t try to touch THAT flank. “So how long is this thing going to take-.” An explosion rocked the large chamber, and they all spun around in their chairs to see a ton of bandits drop in. Following an instinct he didn’t even have before, Jack hit the release on his harness just after Wilhelm had, and his cyborg friend spun around, and jumped off the top of the seats to shoot the first approaching goon with his Hyperion shotgun, and then finish him with a landing melee attack as he summoned his drones; Wolf and Saint.

Before the next one could even shoot, Jack summoned a Hyperion sniper rifle, and sighted, sniping the raider’s brains out without a second thought, all on reflex, until Jack blinked in surprise. ‘That was easy...too easy.’ He didn’t think again, staying back and covering them all as he sniped through the crowded room, the dragoness Aurelia doing the same, laughing haughtily all the while.

Wilhelm was in the thick of it though, he laughed even as his shoulder cannon came forward and started blasting all the idiots that came at him. He didn’t know why he was actually Wilhelm now, or why they were all anthro instead of humans, but fuck it! This was awesome! Wolf took out another bandit that was rushing him, while Saint promptly began healing a bullet wound that bloomed on his flesh shoulder, but he didn’t really feel it, he didn’t care.

All around the room, everyone was dealing with their share of bandits in their own way. Nisha with her dual-wielding pistols, the Claptrap was surprisingly doing rather well with an smg, mowing down bandits with robotic precision, and Athena...well, the griffoness was a right badass, flying up with her powerful wings, and swooping down with her laser enhanced shield and sword like a smiting angel.

Once the tide of suicidal idiots ended, Jack lowered the rifle with a grim expression, and sighed. “Where’d the dumbasses come from?”

“Must’ve hitched a ride during launch. Bandits are stupid like that. Probably thought they’d get a free ride to the moon.” Nisha commented as she rolled her eyes and stylishly holstered her revolvers which digitized back into her Echo.

“Not to ruin anyone’s fun, but we’re about to die.” Wilhelm announced from the holo screens that were flashing red, lights and sirens starting. “There’s some rockets headed our way, and this thing doesn’t have any guns on it.”

Before any of them could say or do anything, they all felt the massive impacts, and suddenly, gravity and air was gone. They were all floating, choking. Save Jack, who gasped as his Oz kit kicked on. “Fucking damn it! Am I the only one who planned ahead?!” ‘Shit, shit, this is a bargain bin kit though, no bonuses, just air, and it won’t last longer than a minute! I have spares, but there’s no air left in here from the breach in the hull-!’

They crashed, Jack and the others all smashed into the floor and front wall as gravity and inertia kicked in, and he blacked out.

[Welcome to Helios]

‘Ugh, my head. What hit me?’ Wilhelm looked around, eying the wreckage all around him and the destroyed FIX Loaders littered around the area. ‘Oh yeah. That. Well, better start checking who’s alive and who I can loot. Better make Jack’s okay first.’ Wilhelm walked over to Jack and poked him a few times, eliciting a few groans out of the downed unicorn. ‘Well, he’s alive. Next one to check: the bitch. Sure hope she’s dead. I’d rather not wake her up from her nap.’ Wilhelm walked over to the dragoness in question, poked her stomach once, and was immediately met with a fist to the face. Aurelia was awake.

“Hands off ruffian! I care not if you were checking for my well-being, nobody touches me without my permission.” The heavily endowed 7 foot dragoness growled as she stood up, rubbing her head and checking her stupid fancy outfit over. “At least inform me if my frill curls have straightened out from all this ruckus. My late butler had made such a dedicated effort to starch them into shape before my brother kicked us out and he was eaten alive by skags.”

“Sounds traumatic. I don’t really care.” Wilhelm said, moving on to the others. He started with Nisha first. He poked her shoulder a few times, then was awarded with snoring and a smack by her wing. He grabbed her shoulder and shook her a bit, and was finally rewarded with her waking up and smacking him with her wing again. “Welcome to the land of the living, population currently pending. Mind checking Athena while I check the mistake?”

“I am not touching that dirty griffoness. If she’s alive she can get up on her own.” Aurelia huffed as she checked her bling over, especially inspecting the blue diadem ring covering most of her left index finger, getting Wilhelm to roll his organic eye.

“I was talking to Nisha.” Wilhelm said. “How ‘bout I have you check out the mistake instead while I help out my friend. Would you rather that? ‘Cause that’s what you’re getting now.” Wilhelm walked back over to Jack, passing Aurelia on the way. When he stood directly in front of the downed doppleganger, he glared at Aurelia. “Well? Get to it. We don’t have all day, and your money’s not gonna get him moving for you.”

Aurelia growled dangerously from her chest, but Wilhelm didn’t give a shit as he started kicking Jack in the face. “Ow! Fuck! I’m up! Jeez, this chiseled jaw isn’t made to be hit!”

“Yeah, I know. It might just explode.” Wilhelm responded. “That was for having an Oz kit and not handing any others out. Come on, we have shit to do.” ‘And money to collect.’

“Hey, not my fault I planned ahead! If you’re going to make a stink of it; here, have one.” Jack grumbled as he thrust a digistructed Oz kit into Wilhelm’s hands, and he proceeded to approach Nisha and the awakening Athena to give them Oz kits too.

“What crawled up his ass and died?” Wilhelm asked before a blue Claptrap unit rapidly rolled up towards them. ‘Oh, no….’

“Hello Travelers! Thank you for answering Hyperion/Equestrian summons! It’s good to see you all survived! Princess Luna is this way; and the Lost Legion is making a serious mess of things, so we’d better hurry!”

‘Whoa, wait, Princess Luna?! It isn’t Jack?’ Wilhelm thought to himself, before he quickly brought up his Echo UI and saw his recorder, and had it play as he took out his shotgun and followed the robot.

“Mercenary Wilhelm. Wouldst thou like to come to my moon and hunt a Vault for us?" An image of a beautiful dark blue mare with night-sky ether hair was there in place of Jack. This just got interesting.

"No." Came the voice and image of Wilhelm.

"We shalt pay thee two million bits." Said the image of the mare.

"Okay." Came the response from Wilhelm’s visage before the recording cut out completely and the images disappeared.

“Yep, that’s my backstory.” Wilhelm said. ‘So, that’s what that’s like in the real world. Cool.’ “Anyone else wanna try out theirs?

“No thank you. I haven’t been jostled enough to forget why we’re here.” Aurelia stated as she helped Claptrap up, the yellow robot only jerking for a second before summoning his Tediore smg.

“I am programmed specifically for this mission! I have no choice but to remember!” Claptrap cheerfully shouted as he rolled on after his blue, slightly smaller counterpart...huh...didn’t notice this Claptrap was bigger than the average model.

“I’m good.” Athena stated, checking her gear.

“Me too, I’m just here for the cash.” Nisha stated, while Jack had his UI open and blinked in confusion before he selected something.

“Oh, my, um...hello there...Jack. I am contacting you because I wish to hire you and your partner Wilhelm to hunt a Vault for Equestria and Hyperion. Your partner has already accepted under the promise of two million bits paid on completion.” The image of Princess Luna was visibly blushing, and flustered, making Jack wince and Wilhelm grin at his friend’s handsomeness managing to impact his life as usual.

“Whoa, really? That’d pay off all my student loans, even if he split just a fraction with me. Yeah, I’ll bite, where’s the job.” Jack’s face was the same as it is now, just as handsome as ever.

“On my moon.” Luna stated, sounding a bit more flustered at realizing what she said and how that could be taken.

“Say what now?” Past Jack replied, and the one in current time facepalmed in a heavy blush while everyone laughed, especially Claptrap and Wilhelm who didn’t stop for several seconds as they neared a door their Claptrap guide was trying to open.

“Argh! The Lost Legion must’ve damaged the door from the other side! Raggin’ Fraggin’ locked door!” At his failure, the group’s own Claptrap approached.

“Let Fragtrap give it a try peon!” Oh, his name’s Fragtrap? Makes things a bit easier and less confusing. “Ah, so they shorted it out. Just have to….” Frag stabbed a mechanical hand-like digit into the console, ripped it out, and tore two wires out before touching them together, and the door shot open violently. “And, open!”

“Fragtrap OP door key. Good job little guy.” Wilhelm said. “Don’t expect any more praise ‘til you’ve earned it.”

“I will withhold my enthusiasm! Even if my voice modulator can’t!” Frag consented as he and his less-advanced compatriot wheeled ahead and the group followed, guns up.

“Wah! They’re tearing up the place!” The Claptrap shouted as it flailed about and rushed for cover, while the whole group split up and started engaging the Lost Legion Marines in their own ways, working together in an oddly impressive display of teamwork.

‘Fuck! Yes!’ Wilhelm thought as he charged headlong into the thick of it like he did on the rocket, not caring if he took shots to his body, not having really needed a shield most of his career as a merc. “Wolf! You’re up!” Wilhelm threw out his two ‘grenades’, which summoned out Wolf and Saint, Wolf getting to work on the enemies around him.

“Here comes the bad guys! And we haven’t even met with the boss lady yet, typical. I need some more Jacks!” Jack’s horn lit up with his green, and his Echo sparked before two digistructed copies of him appeared at either side, one was almost twice as tall and a red-orange though. “Who need’s a hero?” All three echoed before Jack and his doubles all opened fire with their wrist lasers.

“I’m not about to be shown up! How about you all cool down?” Aurelia taunted, before she breathed a bit of her pale dragonfire on her icy diadem ring, and it shot out at some of the marines, making them scream as a storm of ice shards began bombarding them, freezing them solid and shattering them. “I’m an Ice Queen for a reason.”

“Big shots have big guns, let’s show our stuff!” Nisha roared, her UI changing as she summoned both her pistols, and began rapidly sniping targets from across the room.

“Ugh, so flashy, so effective, but so loud.” Athena griped, before she jumped high, her wings flaring, her shield protecting them from enemy bullets as she whipped out her aegis and sword. “Taste my blade! I’ll dance with your blood!” Athena dove, and in a flurry of laser-enhanced shield and sword, cut the unprepared marines to ribbons, their blood staining her red Atlas gear even redder.

Meanwhile…. “And then, John sorta cannibalized my original programming for the VaultHunter.exe! So here I am; lost, lonely, without personality!”

“That’s nice and everything, but shouldn’t you be fighting too?” The blue Claptrap asked curiously as the two robots casually chatted from behind cover.

“Naw, they got it covered. There aren’t any enemies not occupied, and I’d just get in the way. Teamwork’s also knowing when to back off. Teamwork.exe successful.”

“Fragtrap! Get your metal ass over here!” Wilhelm yelled as he robo-punched one of the Legion Marines so hard they exploded. “They’re messing with the New-U’s! Gun ‘em down!”

“WHAT! LEGION SCUM! ALL NEW-U STATIONS ARE RIGHTFUL PROPERTY OF HYPERION CORPORATION UPON DAHL’S ABANDONING ALL LOCAL MATERIALS! DIE MOTHERBOARD HUMPERS!” Fragtrap jumped over his cover, his Tediore smg and Vladof pistol in each servo, spraying bullets rapidly in a hail over the whole room, the rest of the Vault Hunters diving as the enraged robot liberally sprayed bullets that were digistructed right into the magazines. “DIE! EXTERMINATE! DELETE!”

Several seconds later of endless fire, the marines were all dead, and Fragtrap was sparking as his malware tried to recover, until he smacked himself with his pistol and returned it to storage, now back to normal. “Funzerker subroutine ended, normal OS restored! Yay!” Everyone got up and stared at the suddenly scary-lethal little robot.

“Okay...annoying or not; that was fucking badass.” Jack commented, getting Fragtrap to laugh maniacally before recovering. “Whoever programmed this one’s a genius, this thing’s got a ton of potential.” Jack said as Wilhelm walked up next to him.

“Good job, little guy.” Wilhelm said. “Told ya that I would give you a compliment if you earned it. And there it-”

Wilhelm was interrupted by a Lost Legionaire coming in with a rocket launcher and firing it at him, blowing him and Jack up on impact.

[Ư͏ ́͝d̛͘͞e͏̛́́d̸҉̛ ̷̢͘͢ļ̷̨͘͜e̷i̢͟k̕҉ ̷́͢f̛͞ú̧͠k̵͜͢ǹ̨͢ ̷̴̢̀n̸͝ù̶̀͟͞b̶̷̶͝s̵̴̡]

“Agony! FUCKING AGONY! WHY?! Why does rezzing from a New-U have to be like having 1.21 Jigawatts running through you?!” Jack screamed inarticulately as he woke up in his new body that was being digistructed by the New-U station that had been messed with by the Legion and gasped as his lungs needed refilled. Thankfully his sight returned and saw a dead marine and a few pissed off teammates.

“Ow.” Wilhelm said after he finished being digistructed. “Well, that hurt. You okay, Jack?”

“I’m going to fucking rip their brain stems out!” Jack screamed angrily as he took out a Hyperion sniper rifle and stomped ahead, only to freeze and look at his gun. “The fuck?! Damn it! Those asshats fudged the New-U!” Jack’s yellow Hyperion rifle actually seemed to be destabilized, 1’s and 0’s of code running all around it, in parts that didn’t have any solidity to the naked eye, and even flickered in and out of the visual spectrum, but Jack had no trouble holding it. It appeared that the same thing had happened to Wilhelm’s Hyperion shotgun. It made a noise and suddenly the code that was running all around it became green.

“Huh. Odd.” Wilhelm said. He gave it a test fire, and a MASSIVE spread of bullets spewed from the weapon. “Now THAT’S awesome.”

Jack’s rifle sputtered and the code turned a bright yellow, and he nervously aimed it away from the others and when he pulled the trigger, an impossible stream of bullets rapidly launched out, but it only used three or so bullets. “Fucking! Damn it! I hate DAHL sniper rifles because sniper rifle bullets are expensive! Assholes!”

“Great, so if we die and get rezzed, the things might fuck up our favorite guns?” Nisha growled, looking protectively at her Jakobs revolver, a Smasher from the looks of it, those things were as rare as rocking horses.

“As fascinating as all this is; Luna needs help! This way-AH!” The blue Claptrap called from the door as he was unlocking it, only for an explosion to rip the door off the hinges, and crumple the poor little robot like a tin can.

"No~! He was my new friend! PREPARE TO DIE YOU LEG-HUMPING DOGS!" Fraggy roared before he charged in and we followed him down the new corridor, killing the squad that had blown the door and killed the blue Claptrap, and up to the door at the end.

We all ran into the next room to see an awe-inspiring sight. “Thou shalt DIE for thine assault upon a Princess of Equestria!” Shouted the regal voice of the incredibly beautiful dark mare in a flowing white dress taking a stand against tides of DAHL marines, her shield taking the shots from hurting her or ruining her beauty. She was hovering in the air with her wings as she took shots at them with her arm-brace laser guns that were clearly Cryo element, until one of the marines took a shockingly powerful leap at her and punched her clear across the face, resulting in a title-card. “Princess Luna: In WAY over even HER head.”

Just as they were about to jump into the fray, both Jack and Wilhelm had the same thought; ‘Okay, what the actual fuck is happening?’

Author's Notes:

GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! A PERVERSE LOVE-CHILD OF MINE AND DJ A STRING'S ADVENTURES ON THE MOON! Hold on to your pants! The Kraggons love eating them!