Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria

by CelestialScribe

First published 27th of May, 2012

Our lovably grim Max Payne is sent on a one-way journey to Equestria via bullet express.

Our lovably grim Max Payne is sent on a one-way journey to Equestria via bullet express.

Pretty sure I can't fill it with metaphors like Max would, but I can sure as hay try!
Rated teen for light violence, swearing and alcohol/drug use. Occasionally dark.

A (hopefully) more comedic, lighter outlook on: Payne-full Realization -who beat me to it!

Okay, it is very psychologically dark! This is Max we're talking about.

Dead On Arrival

There comes a time when even I begin to tire of the bullshit that guns bring to the table. It would be hard to say that I'm a stranger to situations like this: weapons jammed to by head, stuck on my knees, thugs going through my crap and stealing my booze. Yet the more it happens to me, the more I find that it doesn't happen to anyone else.

And here I was thinking it was over. I figured my noble quest for redemption, or justice... something... was finally brought to an end, only to come charging back in the form of a pistol-whip to the head. It seemed no matter how close I came to peace, there would always be the parasites who brought me back down, niggling at my feet before eventually consuming me.

Four or five of them. Amateurs raiding this cheap, Brazilian summer home. The young, nervous looks in the unconcealed one's eyes opposing the drugged, frantic movements of his friend's. Solidarity found even those at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Honestly, what did they have to worry about? A middle-aged, partially drunk, fat American could hardly be considered a threat against several Kalashnikovs and forty-fives. Stealing my possessions would mean rummaging through the medicine cabinet and then making off with a plastic chair.

Then something drew away my admiration of the drab wooden flooring. Namely, a kick to the head. It sent me reunited with that cold, hard floor and once again I caught up with an old pal: blood. It was as if the only way my body could check I was still alive was by bleeding on a regular basis. It had been, what, a week without an injury?

Apparently they were eager to speak with me, as one of the more confident raiders pulled me up by the head. He pointed the pistol to my neck and spoke with broken English.

"You...Max...Payne..."

I'd almost be honoured to have fans at this point. I didn't have much else going for me. So, he knew my name. Did he recognise me from the news? Was he on his own mission for vengeance? It was all very likely that I killed a brother of his, he could have easily been part of the Commando Sombra gang.

That was the fun thing about being a loose end, if you survived long enough you'd get to reflect on a lot of questions and things you'd like to say to your possible enemies.

The gun was pressed harder, and moved upwards to my now-shiny dome of a head. They were definitely intending to kill me, or at least this one was. Only a person as corrupted as me would be able to say I found this funny. I could easily disarm him, kill him and his friends, pop a painkiller and go back to sleep.

But at the same time I couldn't.

Was it was finally my time to give up? I didn't care anymore. I wouldn't resist the inevitable any longer. My entire life, death had been scraping at my heels, and each time a piece of dog shit showed up on them and put him off getting closer. Now? I had clean shoes. A new slate. And now it was his time to shine.

I was vulnerable at my happiest moments. If you could call knocking yourself out each night with a combination of gin and painkillers happy. Maybe not happiness... serenity. Whenever there was peace in my life, I was a target. The fates always conspired against me, plotting my downfall at every nap, breather and success I got.

I guess it couldn't have ended any other way, on my knees in a tiny alcohol-filled shack in a country thousands of miles from home. Silence at last. I've ended so many lives before me, let's see how I like it. My funeral shroud would be a stained tank-top and ruined pair of jeans. In a way, that was a testament to my life. Used and abused, but by my own arrogance, blind luck and sheer coincidence I was kept alive.

If heaven is lenient enough to allow a serial killing drub-abuser through, maybe I'll be reunited with Michelle and my daughter. Not that I deserve it. I couldn't protect them. Whatever is on the other side of my brains is punishment enough.

The afterlife isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I was surrounded by beaming sunlight. A forest, trees touching the sky and bright plants littering the area. The random noises of wildlife tempting my already hung-over mind into overdrive. I may not be the smartest person in the world, but it seemed as though I was just thrown into the closest pile of plants and left to rot. There was no stunning white lights, no reflecting over my terrible life, I was shot, and now I was lying in the middle of a forest.

I was still bleeding from my friend's little outburst, and now I didn't have any painkillers or bandages. I couldn't feel the bullet that had ended me either. My head was as smooth as the mental glass that was tearing at my brain.

I didn't know what the hell was going on, so naturally, my first course of action was to fall asleep on the rough, dirty ground. Only after waking up, God knows how long later, did I realise that that was an incredibly stupid idea. The open wound was infected, smothered in dirt.

Wherever I was, I hoped it had medical supplies. With a lack of adrenaline to keep me fuelled I guess I was running on interest. Somehow, everything was brighter here. Vibrant colours blinded me past every tree I went through. Even the shades of grey had some life in them. It didn't bode well for a cynical drunk out here.

After about twenty minutes of stumbling around and holding onto trees for balance, I fell once more. Lying on my back, I looked to an open canopy in the forest and saw an expanse of clouds that were moving at an alarming pace. Squinting my eyes helped no further, but as the clouds disappeared from sight, a quick glance of something that looked like a rainbow stemmed from the back of it.

I chalked it down to me being crazy, or some sort of delusion that occurs after someone is shot in the head. Just when you think you've seen it all, overcome every possible new challenge that presents itself, the fates hand a royal flush and rob you blind. They sure had it in for me, didn't they?

I was coming closer to the edge of this disgustingly lively forest. The trees were thinning out with each step along the crisp, green grass. This wasn't the violent, poverty-stricken image of the Brazilian slums I had grown accustomed to, nor the depressing, cruel streets of New York I now longed for.

Was I really so pessimistic that I had the nerve to bastardize a good outcome for once? Was this really a good outcome? It'd been a while since I witnessed some evildoing that was distorting my view of life as usual. A whole hour or so.

As I reached the outskirts of the forest, just when everything was coming into plain sight, I was going hazy once again. It felt like something had burrowed into my head where the bleeding, infected scar was. I found myself clenching my eyes shut, the searing pain threatening to overload and clamp my brain into paste. I didn't get that luxury. Instead, it was back to the floor.

As the darkness enveloped my vision, succumbing once again to the joys of passing out, I saw some pink shape getting closer. A bouncing blob dancing in my iris, the last cheery thing I saw before my world faded to black.

I awoke in something not unfamiliar to me, a hospital bed. I still felt like a mouse in a vice, but I was alive and bandaged. With yet to have the faintest idea of what was happening, and no sign of me finding out soon, I played around with the bed control buttons like a forty year old child.

This hospital definitely wasn't in the slums, I even had my own private room, blocked off from the rest of the complex. Everything was about as modern as could be, flowers, a window view of the countryside, proper medical equipment. I even had a glass of water resting on the stand next to the window. In a situation like mine, you don't take it for granted. I downed it at once.

Was I in some state of limbo? Would I be stuck here forever? Although I never believed along those lines, I couldn't help but notice I was being backed into a corner that was forcing me to think so. Sooner or later, I was sure, the grim reaper would show up to congratulate me on a job well done.

Most people are scared of things they don't understand. I, on the other hand, was too distracted by the medicine cabinet next to the door at my side.

So here I was. Fat, old, 'Gringo Max' pathetically reaching over for the first supply of medical sustenance in my new life. Or whatever you would call this. Maybe this was just another one of those times where I get built up so that my faith is restored in whatever cause I'm fighting for, right before I get kicked in the balls and fall down my self-imposed podium of righteousness.

Except this time I didn't have a cause. My life had ended, or so I thought.

Like many of the goals in my life that I couldn't reach, the cabinet was out of range. Reclining back into the white pillows left me noticing the bedpan at my feet. With an uncertainty on whether to be insulted or thankful, I ignored it- time had yet to deprive me of control for that function.

That was when the door opened.

A pink, jumping creature bounced it's way in to the room, a massive smile plastered on it's face. It was accompanied by a slightly less energetic creature, masquerading in a white doctor's coat. If that wasn't enough on my already fragile state of mind, it had a horn that was glowing. Corresponding with that glow was another, floating a clipboard to it's face.

I had seen some sick things before, but this was the only time I mentally double-took. What in God's name could I say about this moment? Did these things actually own this hospital? What the hell were they? I assumed they had some sort of intelligence if it were them who patched me up.

They looked about as surprised as me. Well, the brown one under a doctor's uniform did, the pink one was too lively for my liking. They had emotions then, but they weren't anything I'd seen before. How does a person respond in this situation? For me it was to stare at them idiotically. I was never dumbstruck, my life had no time for that.

But then, this wasn't my life. As I couldn't stress enough to myself, I didn't have a clue on what was going on, and it seemed as that was going to be the general theme behind this strange interaction.

"Hi! My name's Pinkie Pie!"

Now this raised a whole lot more questions. The pink thing spoke English and had a name. This wasn't some ordinary animal. It had a voice that made me cringe with it's high volume and pitch. Now they were both staring at me, expecting something. With the absence of a gun, I attempted to actually speak calmly back.

"...H-hello...?"

Attempted. Great first impression there. They were both taken aback as I were initially. Clearly I was as alien to them as they were to me. But the pink one, 'Pinkie Pie', was ecstatic at my response.

"OHMYGOSH! You speak Equestrian! This is gonna be so awesome! I can introduce you to all my friends! And we can have a welcome to Ponyville party! And we can share stories! And-..."

Pinkie was cut off silently by the doctor, still observing me. Good. The pace it spoke at reminded me of a sub-machine gun, emptying the words into my brittle sense of reality. And what did that mean, I spoke Equestrian?

The doctor, someone I much preferred at this point, spoke quieter, deeper and more serious. There was still some apprehension, but it was actually trying to communicate, rather than shout at me.

"So, can you understand us? Do you have a name?"

I wasn't one for giving out my name freely: my enemies had a nasty habit of showing up where I least expected them, and this was the last place I would have thought some kind of drug-dealing crime lord would have shown up. I suppose as an act of thanks, however, I risked it.

"Yeah... Max. Max Payne."

The name flooded back crippling memories and loathing. My entire life was based around suffering, even my name sought to intimidate and hurt. Before they had the chance to run away in fear, I pressed them for any answers that I dreaded.

"Listen, where am I? What the hell happened? What are you?"

"We're ponies, silly!"

Last time I checked, ponies weren't pink. I had the feeling this pink 'pony' wasn't the best ambassador for this weird world. Then again, who was I to talk? I wasn't painting a good picture for the human race.

Unfortunately, the doctor chose to let her continue speaking. I presumed it was female due to the contrast between her and the doctor's voice.

"And we're in Ponyville, Equestria! I found you lying at the edge of the Everfree forest all messy and sleepy!"

Ponyville. Suddenly, the thoughts of my short-lived family were back. It was like something out of a children's book. I'd never have the privilege of being able to tell my daughter of a land like this.

I may have been rusty on certain aspects of mythology, but I was fairly sure that the doctor, with the magic horn, was a unicorn. Even a hard-boiled cops like me have some knowledge of things like this. Not that I'd ever expect to have to put it to use.

I needed time to absorb this. It was a hell of a time to find out that that anti-depressants apparently had hallucinogenic properties. If you fight fire with fire...

"...Do you have any painkillers?"

Fight confusion with confusion.

Friends In High Places

Rubbing my eyes, trying to make sense of this situation, I lay in a hospital with colourful talking ponies. If I didn't believe myself with what was going on, then what little I had in the department of 'friends' wouldn't believe me either if I ever got back.

The doctor was gracious enough to allow me use of the painkillers. I suppose it would have been interesting to see if he had said 'no'. The rippling migraine had subsided for now. For someone without thumbs, he could perform medical procedures quite well.

For a few short moments of serenity, no-one spoke. Even Pink had managed to shut up. I was too focused on my sanity to take notice of the doctor, constantly observing me. I couldn't blame him. Not only was I another species, but I was beat to crap. Alas, the brief respite ended once the doctor said softly. I couldn't tell whether it was out of fear or concern for my well-being.

"How did you get here?"

More questions I didn't have answers to. I spoke with my trademark 'pissed-off' tone.

"I got shot in the damn head."

"With what?"

"What the hell do you think? A bullet."

At first it would have made sense to not realise that, there was no wound at all, but he seemed to take more interest in the concept of a 'bullet', mouthing it to Pink.

"From... a sling? A projectile?"

This was getting on my nerves.

"A gun! Jesus Christ."

Then Pink spoke up after, what I suspected for her was, a lengthy time.

"So... like... a rock? You were hit by a rock?! Ouch! Who did it? That's so mean! Oh, unless it was an accident and it fell off a tree or something..."

Were it not for the relieving effects of the painkillers and what I thought to be some minor sedation, I would be going ape-shit. Even so, it took all my energy to not insult my apparent saviours. Uncontrollably, I spoke through gritted teeth.

"A... gun. Lead bullets. In. The. Head."

They must of sensed my irritation, as they chose to avoid pursuing that any further. I needed to get a better idea of this. I was in 'Ponyville'. After being shot in the head. And now there's talking magic ponies here. It was impossible to piece together any sense of logic or theories on what was happening. For now, I would stick with my excuse of it being a hallucination. A really vivid hallucination.

"Pinkie, could you tell Twilight to get into contact with the princess?" The doctor asked as he made sure the door was firmly shut behind him. He spoke in a slightly hushed tone, "We need as little ponies as possible knowing about this before she can get here. I don't have the faintest idea on where to start."

"Sure!" She replied happily, and proceeded to open the window right next to me. Clearly she wasn't as frightened of me as the doctor was. "See ya in a minute, Max!" I hoped that minute would never come. Carelessly, she threw herself out the window and walked off.

Alone with the doctor, I didn't exactly want to make small talk. Part of my brain, however, was determined to do so in order to find any relatable subject in this new species. I despised small talk, and yet here it was slipping out of my mouth.

"So how long have you been a doctor?" This had to be the most trivial question on my mind at the moment. I didn't care and I hated myself for asking. Although, it did appear to make the doctor ease up a bit.

"Oh, er, about seven years now." He gave an uneasy smile. He looked over my stained tank-top, bad hair-cut and sagging eyes. "How long have you been... unemployed?"

...Hit the nail on the head there. If I wasn't so confused I might have been laughing. "I'm a... well, I was a cop. And a bodyguard. Wasn't too good at it."

"A 'cop'?" He asked, puzzled. I couldn't criticize him too much. Our worlds may have had a lot of similarities but the fact was that he's a horse. He couldn't know everything.

"'To protect and serve'," I muttered. That was laughable. You did a great job with that, Max. Hell, you may as well have killed them.

I clenched my fist so hard I swear I could have been crushing atoms. My constant self-loathing never stopped, even in the most bizarre circumstances. "They... enforce laws," I said simply.

"Ah, like our Royal Guard?" He assumed.

"So, 'Ponyville' is governed by a monarchy?" This would be different. Didn't he say they were going to talk to a princess about me?

"The whole of Equestria is!"

"Equestria... right." I still couldn't wrap my head round that. That was a reoccurring theme. This was not Earth, I could say that much. On Earth people don't survive bullets to the head, and horses don't talk. I had to get a nagging question off my mind, something I actually wondered. "So... what's with Pink?"

"Pinkie Pie? She's very lively, as I'm sure you've noticed." I would say 'loud'. "An optimistic pony, always keen to make friends."

"Does she try that with everyone?"

"I assume that she will attempt to convert you too, if that is what you are implying."

God damn it. I did not need this. I didn't want to make any friends, I drag people down with me. So far I only wanted to know more about this place, I guessed shooting myself in the face would send me back, or at least a final death, which could prove problematic in a land with no guns.

Right on cue, the bubbly pink pony flew back through the window, landing perfectly next to the doctor. She stood with a wide grin on her face, but in complete silence.

"Well, Pinkie? Is Twilight contacting the princess?" The doctor questioned.

"Oh, yeah, but she's coming here first! I told her there was this weird looking new species..." Sitting right here. "...And she wanted to see it for herself!" She said about as cheerily as usual.

The doctor spoke with some annoyance, but it seemed he expected as much. "Pinkie! I said as little amount of ponies as possible!"

This meant that there was another pony joining this depressing party? Apparently that whole 'bed-rest' thing didn't apply in Equestria. Sure enough, there was a knock at the wooden door that sealed me off from the rest of the world. The doctor quickly opened, allowed the pony entry, and shut.

This one was purple with another horn. I wondered why Pink didn't have one, but that was cut off by the new arrival's glares of bewilderment.

"Well, Twilight? What is it?" Pink asked, bouncing jovially around her friend. I was surprised by how she could do that in such a small space.

"It's... er... obviously a..." The unicorn scratched her hair and tilted her head to the side. Clearly she had no idea. I decided to answer for her, much to her alarm.

"Human. You could've just asked me." For once, I was being the voice of reason. That could only end badly.

"It talks! Equestrian! You didn't tell me that!" She yelled to Pink.

"Oh, right. Surprise!" Pink said. I had to admit, I enjoyed this back-and-forth they had going on. "He's also called Max!" Pink beamed, but then came closer to me and asked, "You are a colt, aren't you?"

"Yeah?" I half-asked half-told. I was unsure on what classified as male and female in equine terms. I had heard the phrase 'colt' before, but usually just indented on the side of my gun.

"Max..." Twilight said to herself. Was she trying to read the name in her mind? Hopefully I wouldn't have to tell her the second half of it. "Humans are just myths, though." Well, I was barely-living proof of a myth, this could be counted as an accomplishment in my life. "How did you get here?"

I was really beginning to tire of recalling the same story of me being shot in the damn head. Like everybody was mocking me, they always felt the need to bring it up. Still, it was better me explaining it than a dragged-out explanation from the doc or, God-forbid, Pink.

"I was shot in the head. With... a... let's say a nail..." I hoped they had those. "I should have been dead, but instead I ended up in some forest and passed out."

The doctor concluded for me. "In the Everfree. He was infected and Pinkie brought him here. Nopony but us three know, I snuck him through the back."

"Wow. That doesn't even make any sense!" Finally, someone who matched my thoughts. "No explanations?"

The other two ponies shook their heads before the doctor asked Twilight, "Did you request Princess Celestia to come here immediately?"

"Yes, I had Spike do it. We marked it urgent before I came over here, so she should be on her way if she received it. She'll know what to do." I sure as hell hoped so, while the pain in my head had cleared up I still had a major one in the ass. I wanted to go outside. Permission or not, after this princess business was over, I was getting out of this bed.

I had been sitting in the bed for around an hour, every so often Pink or the doctor would check up on me, much to my displeasure. It wasn't half as bad, however, as Twilight sitting in the corner of the room the entire time taking notes on me. I couldn't scratch my ass without her documenting it. I seriously doubted there was much to learn from that.

She even warned me on my favourite past-time of substance abuse.

"I thought you said you were feeling ok?" Twilight asked as I took a single painkiller from the stand beside me.

"I am."

"Then why are you still taking them?"

I didn't want to answer. When subjects relating to this were brought up, I was usually unable to control my actions. I'm not going through those experiences again for a fucking animal. I could have put it bluntly. Force her on a guilt trip. 'I killed my family'.

Nothing. I swallowed the painkiller and lay back in solitude. My short burst of intense mental anger was over, and that's how it would never stay. Interrupted, sporadic and incomplete- it about summed up my fragile mental state.

The erratic thoughts diminished when the door was flung open by Pink. "She's here!" Pink launched herself into the room and the doctor shortly followed. They stood at separate sides of the bed as a fourth pony became visible in the entrance.

This one was much, much taller than the others, with an exceptionally large horn. White all over, excluding the flowing multi-coloured hair, or mane, I think it is. A major difference I spotted in this though, was the addition of wings. So this was a talking, magical flying pony. Right. Seems legit. Adorning her was a golden necklace and crown. If they wanted to keep me discreet, they were doing a terrible job by inviting her.

Her majestic image was soon ruined however, when she hit her horn on the doorway. Clearly, the size was not intended to accommodate freakishly large flying unicorns. With a smile, and only after ducking her head could she make it into the room. Even still, she had to keep partly crouched to avoid hitting the ceiling.

Maybe it was out of respect, but Twilight and the doc refused to be amused. Pink and I had the same idea though, I guess I had to appreciate these little things. Like talking ponies bumping their heads off walls. Except where I was just inwardly smirking, Pink was barely containing a guffaw.

"Hello everypony..." You gotta be kidding me. "I presume this is the new species you mentioned, Twilight?" She spoke gently, and showed less interest in me than the others did.

"Yes, Princess, it-, he claims to be a human, but they're just m-..." Twilight was cut short by this princess.

"Myths. Right you are, my student, but I see no other possibilities. He is exactly like the old drawings."

And just like that, I guess it was accepted. Her word must have been law, position came with wisdom. They all looked at me for a while. A 'myth', yet another thing telling me I shouldn't be alive. Only then did I realize they were expecting me to talk, to confirm it once again.

"Yeah. Pretty sure these forty-seven years of my life I've been human."

"How did you come to arrive here, human?"

Son of a...

After, once again, explaining my tragic story, she appeared no different. She was content with that story, knowing that I could offer little more. None of us, not even this 'all-powerful'-type leader, had any leads on the how's or why's.

"You sound as though you have been through a lot," she concluded.

"You don't know the half of it," I let escape from my lips.

"So, what do we do with him, Princess?" Her student asked, thankfully cutting off me regaling any more morose stories.

"Honestly, Twilight? There is not much we can do. We treat this matter as we would any new intelligent species..." Intelligent. That was debatable. "I will inquire with the Canterlot libraries, historians and mythological experts, but he will have to stay here."

"Why?" I suddenly asked.

"Canterlot, where we would normally study a new, important species, isn't exactly the most secluded city. We cannot risk the amount of media attention you would pick up there without first knowing what you are capable of."

If it meant less ponies staring and attempting to be friends with me, then I was fine with that. As for what I'm capable of? Putting away unhealthy units of alcohol while finding a way to replace my blood with painkillers.

"I will make sure that the only ponies that know about you are here in Ponyville. No coverage of you will leave this town, I will ensure the Guard makes that known. And, while I am gone, Twilight, I will need you to report any findings you have of..." She turned to me.

"Max," I supplied. I was being treated like a child. They were going to study me, great. My life sure has took a turn from the usual binging and sleeping. At least we were getting somewhere. Twilight was visibly happy by this, another task from her 'teacher'.

"Whatever you feel you need to report, send it to me. You can do this also, Max." I think I'd pass on that. "Finally, he will need somewhere to stay."

Immediately, I cringed as Pink started howling, "Oh! Me, me, me! He can stay with me and Gummy and we can have a 'welcome to Ponyville' party and I can get you to taste all my new recipes and have a sleepover party AND-"

Twilight's han-, hoof, I suppose, blocked Pink's mouth. Thank God. That was the last place I wanted to stay, trapped with someone the social opposite of myself. I pleaded silently that someone would suggest somewhere else.

The princess picked up on this, and saved me from a fate far worse than death. Possibly because I had experienced it, and it wasn't all that bad.

"I think it might be best if he stays with Twilight, for now. He would be much easier to observe..." However, in an attempt to please Pink, she also offered, "That doesn't mean you can't have a party, though. Just make sure everypony knows to let little slip of his arrival."

"Rumours and talk are acceptable outside of Ponyville, but we can't let it get to the scale where it becomes fact. Only when media companies from other states of Equestria are involved, will it start impeding our work. We cannot offer them anything we don't know."

I doubted they'd be able to keep a lid on this for long, eventually, I was sure, swarms would be attracted, picking away at my increasingly flimsy life. At least for a day though, I might have time to think about this.

"Well, good luck with your findings, Twilight, and good luck to adjusting to Ponyville, Max. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, but, as it stands, it doesn't take priority over governing Equestria. I will research as much as I can, but the safety of our land is more important, I have pressing matters to attend to."

"I understand, princess," Twilight included.

"Goodbye everyp-, everyone."

With a slight bow, the princess left, remembering to duck this time. So, I was a citizen of Ponyville. I was also a test subject. It was amazing how much had changed with her brisk visit. I was expected to co-operate with this unicorn, and show her what a human is generally like. They picked a terrible example. Swiftly, Pink also decided to leave, exclaiming loudly,

"I need to go, Twilight! I gotta tell everypony about the next party!"

As happy as I was to see her bounce out the window once more, I didn't like the idea of a party. Thumping techno that you need to shout over to communicate whilst taking illegal drugs isn't my idea of fun. I sat up in my bed, and put my hands over my eyes. Things sure did move fast here, too fast for an old man like me to keep up.

"Erm... well, would you like to stay here any longer Max? Or are you ready to go?" Twilight asked nervously. As numb as my ass may have been, I was itching to see what lay on the other side of this hospital.

I said quietly, "Yeah." I took my arms and stretched before turning to my side, pushing my legs over the bed. My beaten, torn jeans tightly fitted around my legs. I would need some new clothes. I didn't think they'd have a special shop for humans.

"Need any help getting up?" Twilight questioned. I was glad to see I kept my stubborn self when I replied.

"No." Holding onto the side, I pushed myself up. It was a horrendous strain on my arms, I was much weaker than I imagined. It felt like my arms were toothpicks, the force slowly snapping my bones. Eventually, I had stood up, and realized that I had a complete lack of balance. I fell a short distance before holding myself up on the bed, the fire returning to blaze my arms once again in pain, struggling to keep my weight up.

All the while they watched, the doctor and Twilight. What a pathetic specimen I was. With a grunt of effort I returned to the balancing act. After a few seconds though, I got my bearings and was able to take a step. I saw how much bigger I was than these ponies, they were just over half my size.

The doctor opened the door and they both left, leaving me to follow them. Not before sneaking the remaining painkiller bottle into my jeans, however. I supported myself on the wall for a time, but upon reaching the door, I could move more easily.

The hospital was modern, and had more corridors leading to other rooms. There was a waiting room, reception, and strewn about emergency beds. It was similar to a human version, the question was, who copied whom? I saw Twilight waiting for me at the exit, blaring sunlight shining down on her from outside. The doctor stood to the side of the reception desk, looking content.

"Thanks, Doc," I muttered.

"Not a problem, Max. It's what I do. And now I can say I performed a successful procedure on a human," He smiled. "Good luck out there."

I would need it. When I reached the door, the new world was opened up in front of me. Every house, more-or-less, was detached. Structures of all shapes, sizes and colours would be an understatement. This suburban town sat nestled comfortably between fields of green. There was even a river dissecting parts of the town. The ground was entirely grass with a few stone paths, and scattered around were diverse trees. The weather was perfect, shown in the cloudless sky above.

I'm sure, for many, it would be safe to say I stumbled upon a paradise.

Amongst these surroundings, however, were ponies. Many ponies. All staring at this fresh-out-the-hospital immigrant nearly double their size that looks nothing like one of them. Some stared, frozen in shock or confusion. Some ran, or at least kept their distance. Seeing me next to one of their own probably helped them refrain from screaming though.

Just like their buildings, these ponies were all different, but always colourful. There were more unicorns, normal ones and some with wings like the princess. Only now had I noticed that every one of them had a symbol on their backside, again, all different.

This was one damn elaborate drug trip.

Tolerance

The walk to Twilight's house was a strange one. Even though I was immensely different to this species, hell, this universe, I wasn't exactly receiving the aura of hate I usually got when I went somewhere new. While I did get a few stares and screams initially, when they saw I was relatively peaceful, I was accepted just like that. By now I should have been mugged, verbally abused and beaten for entering some 'territory' I had failed to research belonging to the latest gang.

We walked slowly as I shadowed my eyes to take in the sights. The sun was beating down relentlessly, unwavering to my inner torment as I began piling on the layers of sweat, converting my tank-top to a darker colour. Not even five minutes walking. I suppose a bullet to the head'll do that to you.

This was about as rural as a town could get. Plenty of farmland surroundings, isolated by greenery and cut off from the rest of 'Equestria'. It seemed for the best, until I could figure out a plan of action, I just wanted some quiet. Hopefully the promise of a lack of media attention would stand, because I sure wouldn't for it.

We passed countless ponies who shared a similar lifestyle to humans. Shops, couples, parks; all in a pleasant, if cliché, environment. Were it not for my cynical view of the world I might be tempted to call this place idyllic. The very air cleared some remaining haziness that the painkillers could not.

It was pointless to raise any queries I had about the impossibility of this to Twilight, or, in fact, anyone, as they didn't know. For now I was going to live in blissful ignorance and obliviousness of what strange power brought me here.

Twilight occasionally paused so I could catch up, I must have seemed elderly given my current pace. I was unsure whether it was out of my admiration for the town, my laziness, or actually being old, but I couldn't help but take a snail's stride with each step over the mix of cobble and grass paths.

A few minutes and several gallons of sweat later, we arrived at a tree re-modelled into a house. It was hollowed out, scattering it were multiple windows and, impaling the top of the leaves, was another window leading out to a balcony. I never had a tree-house as a kid, and now here I was in front of a literal tree house.

Time sure doesn't wait for anybody. One day you're an ex-cop battling inner demons, addictions and gangsters, the other you're inducted into a magical land of talking ponies. Tomato, to-mah-to.

Entering the actual structure gave way to some more astonishment. I should have guessed from the book sign out front, but it was a library. It couldn't get much duller than that, which was perfect for myself. Rows and rows of books lined the inside of the bark walls, and a couple of tables gave way to a overall relaxing feeling when the door was closed. I wouldn't exactly call it a sanctuary, but it had a mellow mood emanating from the simple furnishings.

"Spike! I need to introduce you to someone!" Twilight called out to up the stairs. Great, so she had a pet. Sounded like a dog, I didn't know whether I could tolerate animals. A thump, followed by a brief pattering of slow, what I assumed to be, paws echoed through the hollow tree before it appeared at the top of the stairs.

Our faces shared the same expression of confusion, our lips threatening to let loose a 'what the hell is that?' Or maybe that was just me, as the... thing, spoke first from atop the stairs.

"Erm... hey?" It half-said, half-asked in a young-sounding male voice as it raised a claw. It was some sort of over-sized lizard, purple and green-scaled. It also looked a bit chubby, but I couldn't talk. Without looking down I could tell that my own stomach was assaulting the ruined jeans. I responded in my own questioning, low tone.

"Hello?" I offered my own hand up in greeting.

"Well that was easier than I thought it'd be," Twilight said, pleased. "Spike, this is Max. He's going to be staying with us for a while. He's a human and we have no idea how he got here, so I'm studying him for the princess."

In about five seconds she summed up my entire life here.

"...Right," The thing said simply. "I thought they were myths?"

"Apparently not," Twilight replied.

The thing seemed content with the explanation, but I still had yet to find out whatever it was.

"...So, what are you?" I asked, and the thing started smiling as he spoke, puffing out his chest and flexing.

"I'm a dragon!"

At this point I wasn't too shocked. Maybe the fact that these didn't actually exist was a bit more surprising, but then again... unicorns. I didn't really think too hard on the subject. Still, he was a lot smaller than I imagined a dragon.

"A baby dragon," Twilight corrected. That's why. You can have pet dragons in Equestria. They'd probably come in handy against enemy squads. A bit more effective than an attack dog. Once more, however, he didn't look like the aggressive type. Twilight inquired further, "Do you have dragons in the human world?"

"Sort-of. They're myths." Like me I suppose. I wonder what else this world has to offer. Next there'll be half lion, half eagle punk-kids.

"Interesting," Twilight said. "Oh well, do you need anything?"

Honestly, no. Just a sit down, but I noticed a lack of chairs. So instead I opted for some seclusion.

"A bathroom?" I wondered if the toilets were specially made for ponies, I can't think why they wouldn't be though.

"Oh, sure, it's up the stairs and to the right," Twilight said as she gathered bits of stationary.

I followed the directions and went up to where Spike was still standing. Being smaller than the ponies meant I was statuesque in comparison, I was almost hitting my head on the roof. Nodding to him as I walked past, I spotted the bathroom door.

Ducking under the door, I entered the incredibly clean bathroom. The toilets were, in fact, the same. There was a mirror at about chest height, which also acted as a toiletries cabinet. Unfortunately, it appeared Twilight was healthy, I could find no painkillers. I had several left in the doctor's bottle I stole, but I knew they would soon be diminished.

I walked up to the mirror and stared at my aged face and balding head. Now that I wasn't a wanted man, I guess I could grow it back. I ran some of the tap water and washed my face with it, avoiding the bandage that was covering the healed infection. I breathed deeply and looked over myself. I really needed some new clothes. The tank-top was falling apart, holes and loose threads all over it, while the jeans had lost all of their colour. I was curious to see if I could get a custom-made human jacket.

I felt able to, if not take on the day, cope with the day. As a precaution, I told myself, I took another painkiller and slipped the bottle back in my jeans. My respite from 'paradise' ended, and I headed back out and down the stairs, where Twilight was patiently waiting with a quill and paper. Adorning her head was a pair of glasses, and she looked at me intently before asking,

"Are you ready to start?"

Thinking she would start the investigation into what it means to be a human, I feigned ignorance.

"Start what?"

"Some questions about your life. While it may be interesting for myself personally, I don't want to disappoint the princess. Anything that gives us more clues about..." She thought to herself, "...Humanity, I think that's the right word."

I seriously doubted that either of us would enjoy me talking about my life. 'Some questions' could have meant two or sixteen. I decided to play along for now, while eventually unavoidable, I hoped to prolong any emotional details.

"Fine." I scanned the floor, but it showed that I would have to sit on a red pillow like Twilight was. I sat down, exercising my over-worked back. Sitting cross legged, I felt like a disruptive second-grader who had been given a time-out. My mental state fitted that image. Determining that the seating position was uncomfortable, I instead moved the pillow and rested my head on it as I lay on my back.

I looked up to the natural tree patterns on the ceiling. I wasn't going to be able to get up easily from this position, but for now, I didn't care.

"Hmm, I didn't actually have anything planned," Twilight said. "I guess questions'll be made up as we go along."

Fun.

"Hmm, family? Any brothers or sisters? What were your parents like?"

This was most certainly not going to be enjoyable. "I never knew my father. My mother died several years after I graduated police academy. No brothers or sisters. Next."

I didn't need to turn away from the ceiling to tell Twilight was reluctant to delve further.

"Oh, s-sorry. What about, like, a fiancée or spouse?"

"Next."

There was a few moments of pause, and I heard Twilight scribble something down. Analysing my psychological profile, this might actually be a good read. The ceiling patterns joined and twirled in the centre.

"...Oh, let's move on to something simpler then. What about... music? Do you like this..." She asked herself, "what's it called again? Dubstep! Are you a fan of that?"

"What the hell is that?" They must of had different genres of music in Equestria.

"It's like, electro, but not. It's really bass-y."

"That sounds awful, I hate techno-crap."

"That's understandable," Twilight said, and for a moment we shared the same sentiment. "What about... strings or orchestral pieces?"

I couldn't lie, I actually enjoyed those. The soothing tranquillity they brought was a much-welcome addition to life. They spoke in emotions, not notes.

"Yeah. Piano and violin sort of stuff... yeah. Sombre music." What a downer I was.

Twilight wrote some more notes, and I was slightly more at ease. If it stayed at subjects like this, I could deal with it. That's when she decided to ruin that chance.

"Err, you said a 'police academy'? Tell me about that. It sounds like an important part of human life."

"Only for those who choose it to be. It's training to become an officer who... protects people from crime. I was terrible at it. I knew the minimum police procedures. But I was damn good with a gun."

"A gun?"

Damn it, not this again. I thought about it for a few seconds. "A tool used to inflict damage to another person via a projectile fired with a propellant." That was about as technical as I would ever get. I think I heard Twilight attempting to sketch one.

"Do... a lot of humans have guns?"

"Yeah." I was painting a good picture for humanity. I tried to amend it partly, but I didn't put much effort into it. "They're designed to... help." Wow, looking back on it, a great job they did of fucking that up. A few more scribbles, a few more reasons why I shouldn't be trusted.

With the increasing awkwardness between our two species embarrassing us both, we both needed a break. My itchy, crumbling tank-top would prove a valuable excuse to stop answering questions for a while.

"Is there anywhere I can buy some new clothes? Custom-made?" I asked as I rose to a sitting-up position. Twilight glanced up from her writings to answer.

"Oh, er, well I don't know any human speciality clothing stores, but Rarity could probably make something."

"I'm going to head there, then."

"B-but, the..." Twilight stuttered, eager to ask more questions. Ultimately though, I guessed I was in control. She didn't seem the type to force me into answering. "Oh... ok. I'll take you there anyway."

The 'Carousel Boutique', as Twilight called it, was an easily recognizable building. Much like the name suggests, it was similar to a carousel, it even had some cut-out horses near the roof. Apparently the owner was a friend of hers, and I had the sinking feeling that I would be forced to meet more of them.

On the short walk there the reaction was about as usual from passers-by: casual. More or less. It was hard to understand why I was accepted so easily, this couldn't of been a usual occurrence. Twilight went first and rang the doorbell to the clothing store.

A female voice called out in a singing tone, "Co-ming!" I had the opinion she was going to get more than she bargained for. The door opened, revealing a white unicorn with a curled, purple mane. From the look on her face, she was more confused than scared, tilting her head to the side as she took notice of me in all my dirty, pathetic glory.

"Um... Twilight? What did you do now?" She said in a sophisticated voice. I wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed by the fact that a pony had more class than I did.

"Oh, no, no! I didn't mess up a spell this time!"

"Good, you're still paying off that hospital debt for Featherweight, remember?" I was becoming worried of my studier's capabilities. Maybe she had more power over me than I thought.

"Let's not go there. Anyway, this is Max. Pinkie found him hurt at the edge of the Everfree. Princess Celestia has assigned me to find out more about him."

"I... see. Pinkie said something about that. You are much taller than I imagined. Well, I suppose it isn't the strangest thing to happen around here." Her face took a lighter stance. "Well, I am Rarity, a pleasure to meet you, Max." She nodded her head.

Clearly, she wasn't expecting a response, eyes going wide when I spoke, "Er, sure. Same."

"Y-you speak Equestrian?"

"English. But, yeah, I guess."

"Ah, strange. Oh, well, what brings you two here today?"

"Max, actually. He was wondering whether he could get some new clothes," Twilight offered. It was a double-edged sword having someone speak for me. In one way, I didn't have to talk to anyone, in another, I looked like I was mentally-disabled. Fair enough, actually, I was still deciding that myself.

Rarity regarded my appearance, and, from the way her nose flinched, smell. I was on a forest floor for a few hours. Pony baths were probably smaller than human ones, I can't wait to see how that'd turn out. She studied the arms and legs, plainly different from pony clothing needs.

"I... think I could whip something up. Come in, come in," Rarity said happily. Twilight glanced back in the direction of her library.

"Oh, I can't, I have the... thing... at the place." She made some head gestures which I couldn't be bothered to investigate further. Rarity caught on quick.

"Oh! Yes, yes, Pinkie told me..." She said to herself. "I'll see you there later then, yes?"

"Yep, thanks Rarity," Twilight said as they both started going their separate ways. Before I had the chance to follow Rarity inside, Twilight whispered me over. I, like a sloth, lethargically moved my way the short distance.

Twilight passed me a small sack containing a bundle of gold coins. "Here, no matter what she says, insist on paying her. I have no idea how she manages to stay afloat with all of the freebies she gives everypony."

There it was again, 'everypony'. Something about that annoyed me. 'Everyone' was a human word, this was openly copied from us, yet they had no idea of our existence? Maybe they could say the same about us, but ponies, non-magical ones, actually existed. In danger of too much thinking, I gave up.

"Ok, I'll get it to her."

"Thanks, I'll see you back at the library, ok?"

"Yeah."

I headed back into the boutique. In America I wouldn't be caught dead in one and, in Brazil, I doubted they existed. The name alone would arise suspicions of my sexuality. I briefly wondered why that was, why I'm so accustomed to judgemental people, prejudice and discrimination. I wasn't smart enough to figure it out, so I gave up at the first hurdle.

The inside of the boutique sparkled before my eyes. Mirrors decorated near-every side of the walls, encapsulating the glow of the vibrant, purple flooring and shine of the assortments of fabrics. Pony mannequins were standing randomly around the circular main room, wearing a range of simple fabrics to full-blown sequinned dresses.

"So, what do you think of my business?" She asked.

"It's, er, very shiny." It would have been acceptable to wear sunglasses in here. "Messy as well, isn't it?" I had no idea why I was being so bold. I half-expected her to stab me with her horn. She certainly looked like someone who took pride in their work. Instead, she just gave a friendly scoff.

"Everypony calls it that. No-one ever listens to the 'organised chaos' argument."

Organised chaos. I liked that. It would be a good excuse for when I eventually fill up Twilight's house with alcohol. Rarity collected several bits of designing equipment and measuring equipment, as well as a pair of red glasses.

"Would you mind standing on that, please?" She pointed towards a pedestal flanked by mirrors for observing the new outfits. I followed and achingly stepped up on to it, where she proceeded to measure my arms, legs, torso. "Do you have any preferences? A coat, shirts, fleeces?"

The suggestion of a fleece nearly made me start sweating again. "A jacket?" I responded. "Black with a white shirt underneath. And some pants, anything really, if you can?"

"You have obviously never met me. There is no fashion challenge I can't handle." She immediately set out searching for appropriate materials and sewing equipment, and I was able to step off of the pedestal. Finding the necessary equipment with her magic horn, she began working on the sewing machine.

It looked like it would be a wool jacket, the darkened fabrics going under the machine an at an alarming pace returning in neat sections and shapes. It was too hot to wear it straight away, but that's what the shirt was for.

"So... Max, where did you come from?" She suddenly asked while working.

I forgot that she didn't know that I was human. It was limited knowledge around here, apparently.

"Earth, the human world." It felt stupid to be saying that, like I was acting in some sort of science-fiction movie.

"What's it like there?"

"A lot like here, it seems." Minus the crime, cars, humans and lack of magic.

"Do you remember how you got here?" She asked, still focused on the task at hand. Actually, hoof, I guess. What the hell was I doing making puns?

"Not exactly. The last thing I remember is being killed."

The revelation momentarily stopped the sewing machine and grasp of her magic as she gasped. "Oh my! How did- wha-..."

She was at a loss for words just like everyone else was. I doubted we'd find out anytime soon.

"I'm not quite sure what else to say but... sorry. This must be dreadfully confusing for you."

I sat on the edge of the pedestal, staring at the floor. All the answers usually came to me in time, whatever the subject was, now though? It looked unlikely.

About half an hour passed, I could see the sun slowly sink into the hills outside, when Rarity requested something.

"Erm, Max? This is going to sound strange... bear with me here... could you please stand like a pony?"

God damn it.

"On all fours?"

"Yes, I need to properly determine the difference between a pony's leg area and a human's. Sorry about this."

Sorely standing up from my seat, I stretched my back slightly and went to the floor. I held myself up in a press-up position, already throbbing with pain. Without the adrenaline of a fire-fight to keep me mobile, I was a complete wreck.

Seeing my struggle, Rarity measured my legs as fast as she was able, and observed that they came straight down from the spine. No ninety degree angled legs like a pony.

"Alright, that's all I need." She said, "Do you need any help up?"

Yes. "No." I fell to the ground, turned over and lay on my back. "I'll be fine here for now." I was really this vulnerable? If only my enemies could see me now. Surviving all of them just to be taken down by crippling age. Maybe it was because it was the only exercise I had which didn't involve me dodging bullets. I made it look so much easier when it was required, now, I could be as slow as my body wanted.

Another half hour and snippets of small talk later, she had finished. I was still on the floor. The carpets were surprisingly comfortable. I sat up as she brought the items to me, along with a small glass bottle floating in her magic.

"Here you go, all done!" I stood up and took the clothes, but stared at the bottle. "It's called cologne." I humoured her, and myself, pretending I didn't know what it was.

"What does it do?"

I could see her attempt to form a less insulting sentence in her mind than 'it makes you smell better'. What she said was a minor improvement, suggesting I didn't smell repulsive, but could do with a freshening up.

"It makes you smell nicer. I understand being in a stuffy hospital all day doesn't do much for the state of one's hygiene."

"Thanks, er, do you have anywhere I can try them, and it, on?"

"Just in here," She lead me to a changing room covered by a pink curtain. "Unfortunately I must go, so I can't make any changes just yet. I have a... thing at Twilight's place. You do remember the route back don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Perfect, well, I might see you there then."

"Alright. Oh yeah, Twilight wanted me to pay you," I started taking out the small sack of coins from my old jeans. Through her magic, however, she pushed them back in.

"No, no, no! I can't do that. You're new here, and frankly, you need them. That top of yours is falling apart."

"If you're sure." I don't think this is what Twilight had in mind when she said to 'insist'.

"Positive. Now I'll see you soon, Max."

"Ok, thank you, Rarity."

I sure as hell was warming up to these pony customs. In New York the opportunity of getting something for free usually landed you in jail or the gutter. Rarity left and I was in the changing room in moderate darkness. I would have guessed around six or seven o'clock. Time was hard to keep track of.

Firstly, I went for the new set of pants. They were a perfect set of beige cotton pants which left a lot of room for my ever-growing diet. The shirt had the same properties, but a pure clean white. I wondered how long that would last. With the sun gone, I would assume it was cool enough to wear the jacket.

Just like the rest of the ensemble, it was a loose-fitting jacket. Pockets, buttons and consistency, all in the space of an hour. The darkness of it really amplified the whiteness of the shirt. While it brought back painful memories, it also brought back the time when I understood what was going on. It was a flawless classic. I regretted not forcing the money on her.

I swapped the contents of my old jeans into the jacket pocket, painkillers and the money sack. I didn't know what to do with the old outfit, so I took them with me. Aside from myself, I guess it was the last part that remained of my humanity.

Stepping out of the boutique into the cool breeze of the night air, the streets were deserted. It was about now I expected a few round to whiz by my ear. But no, nothing but the tranquillity of night, split only by various lamps.

The lamps guided me back to the library, alive with light inside. It was very peculiar how there was no-one outside, it wasn't that late. Still, less attention was good. I took one of the last three painkillers in my pocket. Hopefully, tonight would be a few questions followed directly by sleep.

I opened the door and was immediately shot by confetti, balloons and noise all shouting in the same cacophony of, "SURPRISE!"

Lining the walls were banners signed, 'Welcome to Equestria, Max!' Below these were hundreds, somehow I was certain, hundreds, of ponies. On the stairs, in the hall, the main room, it was full of multi-coloured ponies all beaming at me with glee. I could clearly see the master behind this as Pink, bouncing on the library desks with cake in her hooves.

Amongst all of these were a separate group of Twilight and her close friends, like Rarity. There was even some musician standing on one of the desks, a large cello resting against her. The plain thing to take from all of these ponies though, were the faces. Smiling, silently expecting something.

This was going to be a long night.

Author's Notes:

Max's family stuff was a total lie! Thanks to ATung231 for telling me that apparently there's a online novel comic thingy about it!
Check that out here: http://www.rockstargames.com/maxpayne3/comics

Taste

The thunderous rounds of party poppers shot me in the face, scattering it's bright, frilly entrails over my dull character. The party then kicked it into fifth gear, leaving me in the dust as many of them began talking amongst themselves. The tree lit up with conversation and noise, almost forgetting the fact that there was a human here.

Clearly in Pink's parties you didn't need to understand the occasion, you just went. I suppose being human is what attracted the massive number of them though. I was getting a lot of stares.

I saw Twilight and Pink making their way to me through the fields of crowds. Pink had a plate of cake resting on her back which was managing to stay balanced throughout the bouncy ride she was giving it, while Twilight's approach was a much more composed, careful walk.

"Hey, Max, I'm sorry about this, but Pinkie insisted," Twilight said just before Pink bounced into earshot. Over the course of a single day Twilight had learnt I would hate this, the flocks of ponies and masses of noise, drowning me in their attentive inspections. She knew that much about me already.

"Happy birthd- I mean, er, welcome Maxxy!" Pink beamed as she offered me the entire cake resting on her back. It was laminated in layers of chocolate and pink frosting. I hadn't done a blood-sugar test recently, but I was positive that eating this would result in diabetes.

"Don't call me that. Why the hell are there this many peo-... ponies?" I said, momentarily catching the glances of a couple of random ponies.

A new pony appeared, this one flying above the crowd. "Obviously you've never been to a Pinkie Party!" This one had a rainbow patterned tail and mane, but a blue coat. Yet again, this pony seemed more or less relaxed at my presence. The lack of prejudice in this community was astounding.

Immediately coming from her I sensed a brash attitude. I didn't think I'd like this pony. Maybe it was youth in general, she reminded me of cocky, young hoods back home. Not exactly the respectful type.

There they were, accepting me with open arms and a party, while I planned out who to avoid and dislike.

"Max, this is Rainbow Dash," Twilight introduced while I tried to plot the quickest escape route. Rainbow Dash landed next to Twilight, but upon seeing how much taller I was, began flying again. Some kind of inferiority complex. Or just plain intimidation. I had a bleak outlook on things.

"Yep, fastest flyer in all of Equestria here!" She wasn't doing much to dissuade my theory of her being cocky. "So... you're the... hummus?"

"Human, Rainbow. Hummus is a type of dip," Twilight corrected.

"I knew that!" She quickly exclaimed. "Yeah, well, nice to meet you then, Max. Good luck with... whatever it is you're doing, Twilight. I'm going to go see about that drinks table." With that quick introduction, she flew off.

The drinks table sounded good, I hoped they had gin. If it meant wading through the crowds though, I could wait. I desperately wanted to go upstairs, to the bathroom to break away from this whirlwind of socialisation. But that ran the risk of being stopped by the many ponies blocking the stairs. If any of them were like Pink, I wouldn't be eluding this party.

Something told me this was inevitable, that this was how you're inducted into Ponyville, so there was no point in attempting to get the whole thing called off. As much as I enjoyed being the buzz kill of existence, I guess I owed them my life, for the amount of suffering that's worth.

The next pony on this roundabout of misery that lead to meeting me was an orange pony with an actual Stetson hat. Another example of humanity in Equestria. The variety of colours never stopped, this one had an orange coat but a blond mane. The way she spoke was almost humorous to me, a thick southern accent to complete the image of a cowgirl.

I was beginning to understand the differences between male and female in this world. Though there were far less males, differences in facial structure seemed to be the give-away.

"Howdy partner! Name's Applejack," the orange pony said cheerfully. I don't know how they managed to put up with this party so well. Maybe I was just the spitting image of a crotchety old fart that despised fun and all it's friends, laughter and happiness. I was hoping that Twilight didn't have many friends to introduce me to, but then, what else did I have to do but stand here?

"Uh..." I sighed, rubbing my eyes, "Hello." I should have at least tried to be approachable. Or at least not a complete asshole.

"Twi tells me yer the human the princess wants some info on?" She didn't seem to notice though.

"Yeah, pretty interesting town you've got here." I could at least feign an interest in small talk.

"Anythin' like your world?"

"Aside from the talking ponies and magic, it looks pretty much exactly the same." And more colourful than a rainbow sent through a blender.

"No kiddin'? Huh, well, ah hope you enjoy yer stay here, fer however long it'll be." I was wondering that too.

"Thanks... nice to meet you." I couldn't help but inwardly remark on my own slowness of pace when speaking. It could have been the confusion, but honestly, I think I was used to it now. Maybe it was the fact that I was supposed to be friendly. That would be a challenge.

I heard Pink's voice be dragged away by the various party-goers, following the stream of conversation. I assumed she was well known around here, especially if she was able to gather up the entire town for a party.

"Max, you look positively marvellous in that!" I heard Rarity say as she came closer to us, meandering carefully past the jumbled crowds. I couldn't disagree. Only thing left was for my hair to grow back. Although, appearance never was something I cared for much.

The unicorn, like everyone else, was without clothes. What was the point in having a clothing store then? After this party, I guessed, would allow me to ask some questions. And probably receive a lot more.

"Oh, thanks. It's a good fit. Brings back memories," I said, polishing the black sleeve with my hand.

"What about the shirt? Is it itchy? Or are the legs too long on the pants?" She asked back.

"No, they're-..."

"Maybe the buttons of the jacket aren't quite even?"

"I-"

"How abou-"

"Rarity!" Applejack cut her off with a sharp call. "Ah think he's fine."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. I just want it to be absolutely perfect!"

"It is, don't worry," I said. Reaching into one of the jacket's pockets, I pulled out the small sack of coins. "I don't think I pestered you enough to accept this."

"Oh, not this again. Twilight, I'm not taking your money. Think of it as a welcoming gift for our friend here," Rarity said to the annoyed purple unicorn.

I didn't want them to think of me as a friend. Friends of mine had a nasty habit of not waking up the next day, or losing everything that being a person should entitle you to. I was the embodiment of a plague, draining the life out of others around me and spreading until entire cities fell.

"But Rarity! You can't go around giving your works away just like that!" Twilight pleaded.

"Dear, you seem to be forgetting something. Element of generosity here. Being slightly selfless is a requirement," Rarity said with pride. Element of generosity? Is that some kind of title, like a lord? I just stood there, dumbly, seeing how far the pockets in the dark beige pants went.

"B-but... uh, fine," Twilight sighed. "But when you need a loan... I'll probably still help... but there will be a serious lecture involving 'I told you so' over and over again!"

"Point taken, dear." Rarity scanned the room briefly, "Have any of you seen Fluttershy?"

Oh, no, another. I was going to be standing here all night. There was a faint flapping of wings to be heard over the hubbub of mass chat, and a line was clearing for a yellow pony as she navigated through the horde haltingly.

"Sorry... excuse me, oop-sorry... if I could... um... just get past... please..."

Oh. Because she's shy. What they did there. I see it. Equestria is a living, breathing pun.

Twilight announced the new pony's arrival, as she seemed too scared to stand up straight. I'm not sure whether it was because of me or her natural self.

"Max, this is Fluttershy."

"Oh... um... h-hello..." She stared up at me, her eyes partly covered by the pink mane. I don't think I could have seen anything more nervous in my life, and I once stood over an amputated, burnt soldier with a gun pointed to his head.

"Hi," I replied simply, leaving no room for further conversation and increasing the awkwardness dramatically.

She scratched the floor with a hoof gently, like she didn't want to harm the woodlice's home. She was looking down at the floor, while I looked around the library. I spotted, once again, the grey pony atop one of the tables, checking her cello, waiting. In order to break the uncomfortableness, I asked Twilight about it.

"Erm, Twilight? What's with the pony on that table? With the instrument?"

"Oh... well, I think we've all warmed up now. Do you remember when you said you liked orchestral, sadder music?"

"Yeah..." I wasn't sure whether I liked where this was going.

"I arranged something with Octavia, the pony with the cello over there, and I guess now's as good a time as ever," Twilight said before waving a hoof in the cellist's direction.

The pony nodded in response, made sure she was in a proper stance, and put the bow to the cello. The piece that came out was an old familiar one, and the chatter died down in awe.

There it was. The soundtrack to my life. Everywhere, it followed me, the notes bleeding together and filling in the veins of my shattered life. The sound of my struggle, of my slowly fading self. Of my redemption? How do you redeem someone destined to cause suffering wherever you go, no matter where you go? For the rest of their life.

These thoughts were accustomed by now, but the music washed away the anguish that was embedded in them. Harmony. That rare occurrence that happened in an even rarer place. It was a tune of mourning, of regret, of myself. Pain. I carried with me that burden of family just like my own name.

But at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to loathe it the way I loathed myself. Even as it reminded me of all of the atrocities I had committed, each life took and each fibre of my being corrupted, it was always there for me. It wasn't inspirational, nor was it depressing, it was me. In all my sinful glory.

It called out to a better life, a real one. Not something built upon the crushed dreams of others. That's what I lived off of now: memories. Realising that I'll never have anything like I used to. This was one of the only notes in my life that wasn't played towards my blood-drenched soul, but to dark nostalgia.

I had a distorted vision of what a person's 'happy place' was supposed to be.

I opened my eyes, and quickly wiped off my idiotic, grim smile. To most it wouldn't be a smile, but it was a pretty big milestone for me. The ponies listening were either staring at the musician or me, as clearly none of them would request this at a party. The room was completely silent as it was brought to an end, each pony's mood significantly downtrodden.

I did the very least I could for that musician, as everyone else was to stunned by the turn of events to, I applauded. Soon after, Twilight and her close friends supported me in it, but instead stomping the ground with their hooves. After grasping the concept of what I was doing with my hands, the others joined in, until the tree shook with applause.

The cellist took a bow and stepped off the table, merging with the infinite crowd. I hoped they had CD's of her performances. I'd probably need money for that though. A job, then. That was next on the list. After a year-long sleep, maybe.

A roaring crack destroyed the calm atmosphere surrounding us, as Pink rolled a cannon through the front door. Firing it lead to a cheer from the attendees, it was an indication for something. As the blast of confetti sprayed over the room, another pony rolled in a set of sub-woofers.

This pony was a white unicorn, with two shades of blue in her short, sharp mane and a pair of purple goggles. The others seemed ecstatic at her arrival, all chanting, "Vinyl, Vinyl, Vinyl!" She took her place, smiling, on top of the table where Octavia once was with her quadruple set of speakers.

The stream of synthetic music immediately pulverised my eardrums and sent the tree shaking again.

"Oh, Pinkie!" Twilight cursed over the booming sounds. "I'm sorry, Max. I said no dubstep!" Honestly, I was fine. The previous piece must have soothing properties because I wasn't debating whether or not to go on a killing spree listening to this. "I'll go try and talk to her!" Twilight left, and I could see Fluttershy cowering near Rarity from the deafening music.

"I think we'll take a breather outside, if you don't mind!" Rarity shouted, and escorted the timid pony outside.

Leaving did sound like a great idea, but I had my own ways to cope with it. Pulling out another painkiller from the jacket, I noticed as I ate that it was getting increasingly hot. I took off the black jacket and looked for somewhere to put it. The only spot far enough from the speakers was on the food table, which proved useful in reminding me that I hadn't ate in at least seven hours.

Leaving Applejack and making my way there, I saw Spike picking from the selection of foods. I stood next to him and nodded in greeting. I didn't have it in me to shout hello. He simply waved back at me while he stuffed his face with some kind of yellow twigs.

I wasn't the best connoisseur on food, human or pony, but the looks of flowers between two slices of bread didn't seem all that appealing. There was a lot of candy and chocolate based products, which, again, weren't really my speed.

Spike suddenly offered a handful of the yellow twig-like things to me. "Crispy hay fries!" He shouted, cutting through the blaring music. Bits of hay? Fried? It sounded perfectly average, if plain, so with nothing else to lose, I took them and tried a bite.

They weren't the most awful thing in the world. It was just a crispy, dry stick. Somehow I couldn't help but down the rest of the twig, and then go for several more. There was a certain quality about them that made them enjoyable, the brittleness made the crunch all the more satisfying. Spike looked at me, silently asking my opinion on them. I replied back with a thumbs up, I may be returning to them.

There was also a bowl of peanuts, recognizable from all of the bar brawls. I grabbed a handful and went back to my spot at the back of the room. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in a handful of salted nuts.

I could see Rainbow Dash side by side with the DJ, leading the crowd in a head-banging frenzy. The music was getting to me now, it was removing the final parts of Octavia's piece from my mind, clouding it with rhythmic thumps.

I noticed Applejack, and thought about the lack of insobriety I was feeling. I walked up to her and asked between the louder beats, "Is there alcohol in Equestria?"

"We don't have much of the fancy stuff in Ponyville, but we got some left-over cider this season!" It wasn't exactly my thing, cider. It's more a drink you enjoy, not force down yourself.

I shook my head at her, "Doesn't matter," and walked off. It's probably for the best, I tend to do stupid things when I'm drunk, like continue living. Hell, I do stupid things when I'm not drunk.

Resting my back against the wall of the library, an owl suddenly appeared, hovering next to me. Could they talk in Equestria?

"Who?"

No. Good. I didn't need much more on my overflowing plate.

"Who?"

But I could see that becoming annoying. Was this one of the party-goers pets? I ignored it and went about trying to block the bass from drilling into my head any further.

Over the course of about fifteen minutes, multiple ponies had greeted me and went, one of them was strangely inquisitive about the use of my hands, while others seemed to catch on that I preferred solitude.

The music began to die down, and Pink took the table with a microphone.

"HEY EVERYPONY! HOW ABOUT THAT?!" She screamed, and the audience went up into another cheer. I was doubting that this was for me anymore, it was just for the sake of partying. Not that I minded, the less attention the better. "But let's remember why we're all here!" Oh, God damn it.

I was abruptly locked onto by every member of the party as Pink continued to speak, "Welcome to Equestria, Max!" The whole herd repeated her words, and started another stomping fest. At least we were getting it over with.

Someone else had the amazing idea of yelling, "Speech!" from inside the crowd. This attracted mutterings of approval amongst them, before they broke out into another chant. Before I had the chance to refuse and leave then and there, I was unexpectedly floated into the air by the unicorns of the group.

The feeling of this magic surrounding me was that of being held up by strings, certain points of my body pulled with more force than the rest.

I flew over the heads of the ponies, a bald, dangling and graceless angel gliding towards the table with the DJ equipment and Pink. Rarity and Fluttershy, I saw, had made their may back in now that the music appeared over. I came to an uneasy halt over the table, but was gently lowered down.

I was still slightly dizzy, but a microphone was shoved into my hands anyway. The expectant, shining faces of the audience bored into my skull, like they were praising me for existing when all the while I was doing the opposite.

"Uh, hello every... pony..." I felt incredibly cheesy just saying it, but the spectators didn't mind. "Thanks for the... welcome... it's definitely been... something..."

Pink randomly burst out with, "WOO! SOMETHING!" Which lead to another clamouring of applause before I could resume.

"Erm, so yeah, it's a nice town you've got here..." I'll try not to leave it in flames. "... I'll probably see some of you around town... and hopefully we can find out why the hell I'm here," I ended. It wasn't the most memorable, long, nor interesting speech, but it got all my thoughts across more or less.

I quickly remembered something that, in the moment, I thought was worth saying, and before handing the microphone back, said, "Oh, and, don't tell anyone outside Ponyville or the princess will imprison you. Or something." Ending on a high note.

I think the audience reactions were somewhere between horrified and amused.

Before I could get booed off the table for that remark, that was what I expected anyway, Pink took over and pushed the party back on track. "Alright! Prison!" She said, less enthused. The mood changed when Pink picked up Vinyl by the head and sent her spinning another record.

I hastily stepped off and went back to the edge of the library. I wondered what the first impressions on me would be after that rousing speech. Deciding against the impending brain damage that staying indoors would cause, I spent the rest of the party outside. The cool, vacant night reflecting over the past harmonies of the day, supplying me with an endless source of tranquillity.

Job Hunting

The endless stream of party-goers were siphoned through the library door, the event finally coming to an end. I lost track of time since I had been standing outside, but the party never let up. Occasionally, beforehand, I would check up on the festivities, only to find they were still going, unwavering to the sandman's call.

My time spent outside was well spent. A short wander from the tree allowed me to see the aspects of night-life around Ponyville. There were none. Maybe I hadn't been able to see the whole of Ponyville, but from what I could, there wasn't a trace of bars or, thankfully, discotheques. I guess this meant no stumbling back to Twilight's in a swirly haze. But, there was also a lack of screaming, midnight muggings, and, from what I could smell, crack dens were replaced by twenty four hour bakeries. Every cloud and it's silver lining.

As they attendees left, each one offered their welcomes and goodbyes to me, leaning against the tree. The endless cue finally on their way home and I could almost, hopefully, sleep. Not that I was tired just yet, but any seclusion was preferred to the endless bounty of open arms that were suffocating me in their friendliness.

The trail of ponies had finally faded into the night, going their separate ways. Twilight had exited as well, waving her five main friends off. As usual, I stayed more or less silent throughout the goodbyes, primitive hand movements sufficing enough for my communication.

"Huh," Twilight started, "I just realised that now Pinkie's left us with the clean-up job." I think I saw part of her eye twitch. "Well, that's Spike's problem now. We have work to do."

"We do?"

"Yep! No matter how determined Pinkie will be on making you enjoy your stay, it's still an assignment from the princess, and we still have to learn more about humans." Great. That's a 'no' to the rest option then.

We walked inside and over the battered remains of her library, my shoes becoming plastered with confetti. It occurred to me that I had been wearing the same shoes and socks for about a day now, I was a literal walking chemical weapon. As I, once more, struggled to find a seat on Twilight's floor, she opened a closet in the wall, and fell out was a expensive-looking red couch.

"I almost forgot about this, it'll be much more comfortable," Twilight said as she set it up along the wall.

"Since when did you have that?"

"Always. Rarity has them stashed all over Ponyville. In case of a drama emergency," She replied nonchalantly.

"Oh... right..."

"No drama emergencies in the human world?"

"None worthy of scattered accessible couches."

"Ha, well, we have quite a few daily emergencies in Ponyville. I wouldn't be surprised if something came up tomorrow. Anyway, I'm going to see if Spike's asleep yet. If not, he's getting the duster."

While Twilight trotted up the stairs, parting the tides of floor confetti around her, I questioned the subject of Spike's job. I guess he neglected to take note of the word 'slave' in the job description. He didn't appear to despise life though, so I assumed it wasn't a regrettable mistake that spanned a life time, the type of which I was well aware.

I smoothed out the couch's soft velvet, and came across Twilight's pillow on the floor, accompanied by her notepad. Despite being a cop for a large chunk of my lamentable life, I still had no perception of right and wrong, so I took a quick glance at her scribbles.

What struck me more than the trivial details of being 'reserved' and 'fatigued', was a certain note.

Subject seems sensitive regarding mention of marital/relationship status.

I couldn't think. What I had hoped would be a fleeting view of that part of my life turned out to be one of the focus'. They weren't lying when they said 'study', every one of my stones were bound to be turned. Profiling me as an example for humanity was going to lead to us being the bane of the universe.

I threw it back on the pillow as I heard Twilight's hooves hitting the wooden stairs. Casually sitting on the couch, I crossed my leg over to my knee and finally laid back for what brief seconds I had. I suppose this was about to be classed as a drama emergency.

"So, are you ready to start? Spike is asleep, so, no cleaning tonight," She asked as she took a seat on the floor pillow. For a second I felt a pang of guilt, occupying the entire couch, but it soon vanished.

"If we have to."

"Yes, we do," She said eagerly, "Now, going back to your opinions on music, what is human culture like? What recreational activities are there? Same as us?" You could hear the desire to learn in her voice.

Starting off easy, I guessed. "Pretty much. Movies, theatre and art. Music and sport, all that stuff." And, saving the best for last, "Drugs and alcohol." It would keep her away from the family route.

"Do... a lot of humans use alcohol?"

"I suppose it depends on the person."

"Okay, and what about the drugs? I don't understand how or why you would use prescription drugs for recreational purposes." That was like a question aimed at my very being, the ninety percent of me that was full of the stuff cried out in anger.

"You're telling me you don't have illegal drugs in Equestria?"

"What? No! Why would we hold on to something that's illegal?" A proper law-abiding citizen.

"Because of the effects. Depressants, hallucinogens, stimulants... painkillers? You honestly don't have any of these? Illegal ones?"

"No... so... why are they illegal?"

"Because of the threat they have. One might make a man think his dog is conspiring against him, causing him to kill it. Another might downright rot away your flesh." I remember giving this same speech at a school. Hopefully I left the kids traumatised enough to stay away from them.

"That's horrible!" Twilight exclaimed, before putting a hoof to her mouth to cover any sickness. "Why do they even exist in the first place?!"

"Some of them are natural. Others, it's just about profit. I don't know, you're asking the wrong guy. I was only paid to stop it."

"Again... do a lot of humans use these?"

"The stupid ones." To further support that point, I pulled the last painkiller from my jacket pocket and swallowed it.

"Max, is that really safe for humans to have that many painkillers? I mean, I have no idea what human anatomy is like, but I know you can overdose on those!"

"Probably not."

"Then why do you keep having them?!"

"Like I said, I'm a stupid guy."

Scribbling away on her notepad, I was satisfied with my explanation. Without completely devaluing human society I managed to explain how fucked up we are. Twilight just looked concerned, for our entire species. So, I successfully established that our recreational time consists of running to the grim reaper's sharp clutches with open arms.

"Let's move away from that then... on to... crime and law. It sounds as though it's a serious problem. The worst we have are things like over-charging stalls or petty theft. But to actually create a law to protect somepony from themselves?"

"Am I to assume ponies never fight as well? That they're the epitome of peace?"

"We used to fight over land and food, but nothing serious anymore."

Seems strange to think that these ponies are more civilised than any humans. That they have actually evolved more than us.

"You're a lot smarter than us then. That still goes on. Streets and worldwide."

"Is that why you became a 'cop'?"

"Could be." And following that were years of agony and torture. Experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and losses that included my best friend, wife, daughter, boss and friendly neighbourhood Russian crime lord. Continuing on from that web of destruction was the collapse of Sao Paulo's political system and half it's population.

In hindsight, it wasn't worth it. I lay down on the couch, facing away from Twilight with my head resting on the arm, legs over the side. I wanted a proper therapist feel.

"Look, I realise I'm making it sound terrible, but it probably isn't that bad. You've just had the unfortunate circumstance of talking to someone who's seen the world through either the bottom of a glass, or down the sight of a gun."

The rare times I was actually seeing the nicer view of life was when death was preparing for the final hurdle, ready to leap out of the frying pan and kick my ass into the fire. That could be a sorrow indicator for my new life here. Death could simply be tying his blood-stained shoes, ready to make the jump to a world full of ponies. He really had nothing better to do than harass me. And I, like an idiot, continually tempt him with decisions a hallucinating junkie wouldn't take.

"Why do you see it so... cynically then?"

"Life's never offered me any favours. It's just slowly pried each of my fingers away from the ledge I cling on to."

"You... really see it that way?" Her voice had signs of sadness in it, and her quill began writing gently, easing each distressing word into existence.

"Had no reason to see it any other way."

"What about the good things in life? Friends and... love...?" She knew she had hit that 'sensitive subject', she almost flinched after saying the word. The quill touched the paper in anticipation, the hollow sound clearing my mind.

"It doesn't last. It's not allowed to." Mistakes and mourning isn't a debt repaid in money or wounds, but mental scars. You lose a piece of yourself when you lose someone you love. The price of making yourself vulnerable.

"Don't you think that she... o-or- he," She stammered, fearing the possible reaction if I turned out to swing that way, "Would want you to..."

She was looking for the right words to say 'get over it', or at least 'put down the bottle'. I had heard this all before, but never from a pony. Especially not after they successfully assumed the cause of my dismal situation.

"I don't deserve to."

"But, why not?" She was beginning to poke the the anthill with a stick. "It's not like it's your fault." The stick was covered in honey.

I just stayed silent. I would've said something I'd later regret, I was sure. Despite the floods of books in the library, it was completely empty. Neither of us made a sound after that until the quill scratched it's way into earshot. From there, it was safe to assume, this session was over. It was in both of our interests that she doesn't delve any further.

The writing stopped, and I was tempted to take a look at what she had put. Maybe later, it would have been a bit obvious if I leaned over her shoulder from the couch.

"I think that's about all we can learn for today," Twilight muttered, but audible enough for me to hear her implement that I was a stubborn bastard. "Time for bed, Max. You've had a long, long day." Understatements, understatements everywhere. "There's a spare double in my room."

"No thanks, I'll sleep on the couch." I still didn't feel comfortable enough around any of these ponies to sleep near them. I half expected there to be a section devoted to being a stable where she slept. Besides, the lonesomeness of the main floor suited me fine, surrounded by only the words of hundreds.

"Are you positive? You seem a bit tall for it..."

True, my feet were sticking over the side as I lay there, and my head was awkwardly positioned on the arm, but this was a much better sleeping arrangement than the floor where I usually ended up.

"I snore." That would be my excuse. Unless I actually formed the ability in the years of being a unstable mess, it was highly likely. "Wouldn't want to bother you with it."

"Or Spike, he needs his 'beauty sleep' to impress Rarity," Twilight laughed. A baby dragon and a pony? I chose not to search any further into the subject. "I'll bring down the quilt, though."

Twilight stood from her red pillow, this time bringing the notes with her, and proceeded up the stairs while I lay like the incapacitated idiot I was. It was hard to believe all of this had happened over the course of a day. One day, you struggle to contain the various alcohols polluting your body and successfully stand up, the other, you're being studied by magical talking ponies.

She returned shortly after with a giant blue quilt which I was sure she was going to suffocate me with for being so uncooperative. Not like I would have fought back, I already died once. Standing up, I took the quilt from her and spread it evenly across the couch. I then took off the long-suffering jacket and rested on the floor besides me. This had to be the most prepared for sleep I was in years: actually expecting it rather than collapsing into it.

As Twilight reached the stairs on her way to her own bed, she said, "Thanks for putting up with this, Max. I can't imagine how confusing things must be for you." I tried to think of some 'witty' comeback about how I've been through stranger times, but I hadn't, and that was shown in my lack of response.

"There's stuff in the fridge if you need it, and the bathroom's always open." It came to me that I hadn't used the bathroom for any actual physiological needs all day. Side effects from travelling to other worlds. "Night, Max, see you tomorrow."

"See ya."

The switch clicked, and I was, instead of being plunged, lowered into darkness. I sat on the quilt and glanced around. This was my new home? A library in a world inhabited by fantasy. Wasn't exactly the retirement I had planned, but then again, neither was Brazil several years ago.

I rested the war-torn spine that resented me so on the couch. It was warm enough to not need the quilt for anything but a cushion, which was good, because I had doubts on being able to move again.

I said I had wanted a job, something to at least earn money and get out of the library for a bit. Biding my time wasn't something I was very good at. It usually ended in broken bottles, a liver disease and an unpaid electric bill. That was the next objective on this crazy train, that apparently had a never ending supply of coal. With those last few puzzled thoughts nestled in my mind, I drifted off to sleep relatively easy.

The library was a cold, dark place, it's books losing all sense of physics and crashing onto the ground. The flooring swirled with wooden tornadoes, catching my eye and bringing it to the jacket I had laid upon the ground. There was a gleaming white note placed on top of it, and something disturbingly familiar about the handwriting.

"You are in a piece of fan-fiction, Max."

The truth was a red hot pierce through my brain.

Writing tools bordering my head, a box in which every single action I took was made. The deletion of words only to be replaced by the exact same ones with a capital letter, and the notes of what was to come clinging on to the bottom of my life. The insane idea that putting myself in a world of talking ponies created by even crazier authors. The optional rating system, where my life was judged and how it's fate hung in the balance of a single click, the amount of 'views' dictating whether my journey was worth continuing.

I was in an online fan-fiction.

Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.

While it wasn't the most threatening, or long, dream I experienced, it didn't change the surreality sticking with me. Turns out I didn't need a stab of Valkyre to see my innermost thoughts, I got free samples. Through my sleep, I had somehow managed to stay on board the couch, and my bones refused to move as I opened my eyes. There was an aching pain in my neck, accompanied by a dull headache.

It was the best I had felt in years. It said a lot about my life, but I didn't care, I finally had a complete lack of responsibility. No hunting for criminals or trying to debunk a conspiracy. The one thing I was focusing on? Getting a job. It was like I was sixteen again. Minus the baldness, the stomach and the tired joints which told me to check myself into an old person's home.

After failing to launch myself into a sitting position several times, I eventually fell on to the floor, the cold thump reviving me. New York's finest, my ass.

Nature's call got the better of me though, slapping me into consciousness before I could fall asleep there. I clambered up to my feet, and made my way to the bathroom upstairs. Spotting the main room's clock, it read ten minutes past seven. Through the windows I saw the haze of clouds making way for the blinding sun rays. It was going to be another perfect day in Ponyville.

The stairs stayed silent as I reached the top, and entered the bathroom without disturbing anyone. I left my jacket downstairs, but remembered I was out of painkillers anyway. Would have to refill those, I wondered if the doctor would be willing to resupply. After using the toilet, then washing my hands and face, I left, neglecting the option of a shower. What was one more day?

Exiting the bathroom, I caught Spike on the way there.

"Hey Max," He said, and then yawned.

"Hi... isn't this an early time to be awake?"

"Nah, I went to bed pretty early. Besides, I like getting a head start on some of the chores around here. Means more sleep later."

"Do you enjoy all the work you have to do?" If this was how Spike paid the rent, I'd move.

"It's a pain in the scales sometimes, but it keeps Twilight happy. And, therefore, the fridge full of hay fries," He pointed out.

"Fair enough. See you in a bit."

"See ya!" He said, and then vanished into the bathroom.

I wasn't sure if Ponyville had a social services department, but it might be worth giving Spike their number.

I made my way to the kitchen to see what ponies had for breakfast. Opening the fridge revealed a lot of pony-style salad stuff, but also milk and hay fries. Spike wouldn't mind if I stole a few. A glint also caught my eye in the back, and I rummaged through to it, pulling out a ruby. Ponies... ate rubies? They were edible in this world? In curiosity, I tried to take a bite.

Hard as a rock, which, essentially, is what it was. I put it back in, and was thankful no one was around to see my idiocy.

So, back to the most important meal of the day, sticks and milk. I don't know what was so damn addictive about them, but they would have to serve for most of the energy spent today. Milk would have to be my toothpaste. Even when I sort of had a home, I lived like a bum.

There was bits of paper on the kitchen shelf alongside a quill, but this time, plain, without the notes of my instability. I took one, preferring to leave without Twilight's consent. Reaching the couch again, I began writing.

Gone exploring... might get some kind of job. Max.

Simple, effective. With that done, I placed it on the quilt-covered couch and put on my jacket. You could call it an adventure, or boredom. Either way, I was eager to get out before being cornered by Twilight and having questions forced on me.

I did a few morning stretches, I wasn't ready for suddenly locking up in the middle of the street. The satisfying cracks of bones acted as a reminder I was still alive and intact, as unfortunate that was for everyone else.

I opened the library door and exited into the gentle morning warmth, the skies still slightly dark with night's presence refusing to leave, but then disappearing strangely fast. There wasn't many ponies instantly spottable, while still too early, I had to assume they had jobs.

The swaying of the short, bedewed grass I walked upon was a nice alternative to broken pavements and makeshift stairs. It hit me that I had no idea where I was going. I wasn't up for randomly asking ponies if they need something done. They must have, I thought, some sort of notice board in a town this small. Maybe there I could help search for a lost dog or delivering something. With little idea of the directions, I went for, what I hoped was, the town centre by following the larger pathways.

Ponyville was a modest, unassertive place, it's presence seemingly unnoticeable even from inside. Maybe it was only due to the morning hour, but everything sat quietly to itself, even the homes had that quality, each separated from the other. They were a lot different from any of the houses I've seen, colour-wise and size. The sharp-pointed roofs of straw and different sections of the house protruding in different directions. It had some kind of advanced renaissance feel to it.

After some more walking, I could smell the bakeries beginning to come alive, the scent of pastries being carried through the streets by the soft breeze. Hopefully there wasn't some kind of morning rush hour where I would get swept away in the charging crowds. Not that I believed there would be that many ponies living here.

Ending up at a fountain with a grey pony statue on top, I came to the town square. It was a wide circle, separated by a huge structure in the centre which must have been the town hall. There were various plants and flags dotting it, but it was more-or-less devoid of anything else, save for a few ponies.

Some of which, I saw, were guards. Gold-plated armour and stern faces as they hung outside random buildings. Though there were no exchange of head movements, we were definitely watching each other. I wondered if they perceived me as a threat. And then, like the sick person I am, how I could dispatch one of them. It's not like they were my enemy, if anything, they were protecting me just as much as the citizens. I guess after so much experience you can't block out some thoughts.

While I didn't see a notice board anywhere in the square, after closer inspection, there was a collection of papers stuck to the town hall's walls. The tall structure was slightly elevated by a wooden base, of which the stairs were connecting to. I walked the few steps and skim-read through most of the notes.

Many of them had no relevance to me. Construction in certain areas, some kind of small pastry tax, 'diamond dogs' applying for citizenship for Equestria. When I was finally around to the public-made information, I was interrupted.

"Um... excuse me?" A voice suddenly broke my awful literacy skills, dragging my attention from the memos and to a magenta-coloured female pony. Her neck craned away from me as I turned to face her, my hulking mass apparently making her nervous.

"Hi, do you remember me from the welcome party by any chance?" She asked, returning to a normal, friendly stance.

A pink, two-shaded mane with three flowers on her backside? Didn't ring any bells. Hell, I didn't know anyone other than Twilight and a few of her friends.

"Sorry, no... I wasn't really in the mood for socialising yesterday." Or through the rest of my life.

"Oh, that's okay, there were hundreds of ponies there. Anyway, I'm Cheerilee, I teach the elementary school down the road, and... I was just wondering if you might be willing to join one of my classes for a little one-off presentation."

"Presentation?" Already I was quite against the idea: somehow I got the impression that I wouldn't cope well against children.

"Well, more like a short question and answer. I think it would be really interesting for the children to learn about the nature of other species, especially one as rare as yourself! Wouldn't it be fascinating to have children more educated in human ethology and zoology than their parents?"

She spoke quickly, with excitement and pride, but I was still trying to figure out what half of that sentence meant. Was this my job offering? It wasn't exactly what I expected, and would I even get paid? I didn't want to press her about the details, she was clearly too eager to start and must of overlooked that.

Or maybe I was just a greedy bastard.

It sounded simple enough. Just like talking to Twilight about humanity. I should probably be less explicit though. According to my brain, I had already come to a decision.

"Alright then, sure."

"Oh, brilliant! Thank you so much! The class is actually going to start in an hour, at eight thirty, so there's no rush."

"I might as well come along now. It was kind of why I was here in the first place. Looking for a job of some sort, something to do." I hoped that would imply my selfish desire for money enough to get something arranged. I didn't quite remember what I wanted the money for. I guess it would just be an accomplishment to note down, for what little I actually did.

"Okedoke, follow me then," She said happily. That feeling of not knowing what I was heading into returned, criticizing my impulsive life once more.

I followed the pink mare for fifteen or so minutes, before reaching the the school. It was pretty small, especially as it looked like the entire town's only one. It was out of the way, blocked off only by a fence and up a path away from the main houses. If I could describe it as anything, it resembled a red barn. That sounded as though it could be racist, being ponies and all.

"Okay, we're here, but we still have quite a bit of time before the school opens. Would you like to come in?" Cheerilee asked, smiling as she opened the front doors. It was much bigger on the inside, a main hall diverting routes to different classes. Good, I can't imagine how stressful it would be if she was the only teacher.

"No, thanks, think I'll have a wander outside." That seemed to be the motto for me now, a 'see what happens' stance on this new life. I'd soon see if that ended up with more trouble than I could handle. I didn't exactly have a healthy bank account to bargain my way out of things, it was a coughing vacuum of empty space.

"I'll come get you when we begin then, I have a bit of marking to do for my other class. I do hope Scootaloo hasn't drawn rainbows all over her test again," She muttered to herself, before disappearing into the school.

And like that I was left to the preferred company of myself. I had no idea what i was going to do for forty-five minutes, but I never found boredom a problem. With a lack of children so far, the swings were empty, and they looked inviting.

Ending that thought process as soon as it began, I wasn't about to humiliate myself by confirming the foolish mindset I had going on. Besides, it would be pretty disturbing to see me having fun- when that happens, hell'll freeze over, and I'll be pushed down it's waiting list.

Inspecting the road that lead back to the heart of the town, I thought I could see some kind of strip of shops, one in particular being a tobacco shop. Might be an interesting hobby to take up. They still had drugs that caused harm then, so long as they were legal.

Opposing that road was one that lead higher into the hills. It edged it's way across back to that city perched dangerously on the side of a mountain. Insurance must be murder for that place. Several spires launched into the sky, stemming from a castle much different to anything I've seen before. They were heavily set on gold colours, and the towering domes seemed oddly reminiscent of St. Basil's Cathedral, in the Moscow Kremlin. Hopefully that didn't say much about the government here.

I didn't realise my eyesight was that impressive, especially when I managed to read the side of a carriage trailing down the road towards me.

'Canterlot News Corp.'

I figured it was in the interests of both me and the princess if I avoided that. They wanted me on the down-low for now, and it looked as though one cocky news team felt a certain rumour might lead to an award. If they already spotted me, I doubted they'd be willing to give me a head start away.

I wasn't about to get on all fours and neigh, so instead, I scurried my way to the front door of the school and hastily closed it behind me with a bang. Turning around, I saw Cheerilee's head emerge from one of the classrooms.

"Max, is something wrong?"

"There's a news team heading here. The princess said that they can't make this lead to some kind of investigation yet."

"Right, I heard about that. No one but Ponyville for now. That would explain the recent influx of guards..." She thought to herself for a moment, "Well, as long as they don't search here you'll be fine." She smiled, but then a knock hit the door, completely wiping her face.

"Shit," I remarked intelligently. In a school as well, I was a terrible example for children. "That's gotta be them."

That rush of adrenaline that had been so overdue finally arrived, but I never thought it'd be in the form of me hiding from ponies. I was making a mockery of my former self, if Mona could see me now, she'd probably regret that brief fling.

"Okay, okay, stay in my classroom, I'll talk to them," Cheerilee said, ushering me closer. I went into her class, the first on the right, and circled around so I was on the opposite side of the wall close to the door. I heard the door open, and Cheerilee was assaulted with a fast string of talking.

"Snap Shot, CNC News," A female's voice introduced, "Can you confirm rumours of harbouring a mythical creature in this town? Is it true that there is a collaboration with the elements of harmony to keep everything under wraps? What about the princesses? Are they..."

As she went on asking all the right questions, I had to think how she knew everything so far. Still, without proof, they wouldn't get anywhere. All it took was one pony with a camera though.

I guessed there was a group of ponies at the door, as was usual with paparazzi types. Cameraman, reporter, sound guy, the van, or carriage, driver. They probably had more technical names. Was I really considered worth a following? Of a news story? Again? At least this one might not be labelled as a manhunt.

Usually when I was shielding myself behind a wall, it would end in a new paint job, three hundred dollars worth of ammunition, and one hell of a cleaning bill- depending on who invited whom.

This 'skirmish' was slightly less expensive, as Cheerilee seemed to be waiting for the reporter to stop talking. If they were trying to pressure her into answering, they were doing a bad job of it. After long last, the barrage of questions ended, leaving the school in silence.

"Are you finished?" She asked politely, but with a hint of amused impatience. After receiving what I assumed were nods, she continued. "Well, firstly, I feel inclined to tell you that if we had a mythical creature living among us, it wouldn't exactly be mythical, would it? My students know that, and they're at least twenty years younger than you."

Ouch.

"Yes, but-" The reporter tried to argue back, but was stopped by the teacher.

"Secondly, are you honestly intending to interrogate ponies at this time? I highly doubt anypony will be willing to speak to you when even school has yet to start."

"W-which is why if you simply-" Once again, she was cut off by the teacher's authority.

"Finally, no, everything you said was most likely a prankster who phoned in. Now please, I'll gladly escort you from the premises if you are persistent on staying here. I won't have the children's learning disrupted."

I heard no response or attempt to counter, just the door slowly close shut. I walked back into the hallway and saw Cheerilee wipe her head with a hoof.

"You really told them what for."

"I did, didn't I? I hope I didn't seem too aggressive, but I really didn't want them to stay any longer and distract the students. Would you say it was a bit angry?"

"...Yeah," I admitted, and Cheerilee cringed. "Still, nicer than any of my responses would've been." Bullets, bones and a serious lack of bandages. "Might be best if I stay here for now, don't want to catch them on their exit."

"Come on in then, we still have thirty minutes." She lead me back into my hiding spot and now I could actually take in the surroundings of the room.

It was fairly big, about the size of Twilight's front room, with the teacher's desk at the head of everything. There was a plethora of multi-coloured mats for the young students to sit down on, as well as toy-boxes and painting equipment around the edges of the room. I was a definite stick in the mud here, the out-of-place aura of depression in a room of happy, swirling colours.

I took a seat on one of the tiny kid-sized chairs near Cheerilee's desk, a shortage of balance and my tremendous weight threatening to break it at any second. Cheerilee went to work with a number of papers created by her students, delightfully marking them with a smiley face stamp. The frown stamp was at the corner of the desk, untouched and layered with dust.

"So..." I started up, "I haven't seen any of the other teachers yet, are in their rooms or something?"

"No, they haven't arrived yet. Apparently, I'm the only one who chooses to get here early," She said with some annoyance as she continued to stamp. I almost tempted her to bring out the forbidden frown stamp, I was sure.

"You must be dedicated."

"I don't see how you can't be in this profession. You have many students relying on you, each and every one of them needs you. Even if they don't realise it."

I would have loved to be schooled in Ponyville. Then again, what would a higher education for me help with? The ratio of bodies to bullets, the probability of my death, testing the toxicity of my blood.

Some time later, it hit eight thirty, and the bell rang. Normally, my head would continue ringing long after it stopped, but then I remembered, I didn't have a hangover. The teachers arrived shortly before and let it the masses of children, each going into separate classrooms.

I was sitting comfortably on the chair against the wall, trying to guess the reaction of the entrants. The small bodies funnelled in, and as soon as they saw me, kept locked on even as they all sat down. Most of them were completely silent, while others chatted, most likely about me, to their friends.

I didn't know the age differences between humans and ponies, but I made the assumption that they were around five, six or seven, considering the second grade-style toys that were around. The oasis of big eyes all looked up to me and Cheerilee, and she was grinning at their wonder.

Deciding that I shouldn't look too intimidating, I attempted to forge a smile. I could sense my muscles aching, my mind asking why I was doing such a thing. True, I didn't have much to be happy about, but I also didn't have much to be pissed off at. Pink would be proud.

Cheerilee was the one to start off, "Good morning, everypony."

The students stopped their gawking to continue the morning welcomes. In unison of mixed voices, they said, "Good morning, Miss Cheerilee."

"Now, I'm sure you've all noticed something out of place in the classroom today. Would anyone like to suggest what that could be?"

A legion of hoofs shot up, all the while their heads fixed on either me or Cheerilee. I couldn't help but chuckle as I crossed my legs, of which they observed intently.

"Dinky?" Cheerilee pointed to a blond-maned, small, grey unicorn.

"Max the Human!" She said joyfully, instigating a few mutterings of approval from her classmates.

"Well done, Dinky! How did you know his name?" Cheerilee praised.

"My mommy said she saw him at the library party! But it was near my bed time so I couldn't go," She replied, now frowning lightly.

"Well now this is our chance to talk to Max, as he has offered to speak with us today." I wouldn't exactly say offered. "So, Max," She turned to me, "First of all, what is the human world like?"

Don't talk about drugs. "It's very similar to what you all have here..." Or weapons. "Which is pretty weird when you think about it. I'd say the only main differences are the lack of talking ponies and magic." Or crime.

One of the children, a young male, raised his hoof. He was entirely blue, but both wingless and hornless. Cheerilee nodded at him, allowing him to ask.

"If ponies can't talk, what do they do?"

"Humans... keep them safe... because they aren't as smart as you ponies. They keep them together so they can eat, race and... other animal stuff." Trying to keep the conversation innocent and safe was much harder than I initially imagined.

One of the other students suddenly yelled. He had a mixed brown and white coat, with a clear foreign accent. Accompanying that was a black eye-patch and a red bandanna.

"Are there human pirates?!"

Cheerilee stopped my response, "Pipsqueak, please, raise your hoof next time. And do you really have to keep wearing that? Nightmare night was over months ago."

"My mum said it makes me look 'dashing'!" He exclaimed.

Cheerilee and a few of the children laughed. "Be that as it may, if you find it's making it harder to read the board later in the day, remember to take it off. Anyway, Max?"

I guessed he wasn't referring to the murdering rapists that are modern pirates. Good thing I wasn't talking to Twilight, I would be digging myself into a hole without any ladders.

"Not so much anymore... but you could still find them if you searched hard enough. There's probably still battles for rum."

That seemed to reinvigorate in him a love for the pirate way, now knowing that they spanned worlds.

"Can I sign up?"

"If you can find a way back, kid, you're welcome to try." Even if he did find a way back, I wouldn't let him be corrupted by that life in my world.

Another small hoof was picked, an tanned orange coated female with a yellow mane.

"Are you famous? Is that why you were picked to come here?"

"Not exactly, I didn't choose to come here, it just kinda happened. As for famous?" The undeserving fame I accumulated was just a compliment to my lack of morality. If anybody recognised me, they would stay away in fear of imminent death, and rightly so. "Nah, not famous."

The questions went on for some time, these kids were really interested. Or, like I would be, were doing this to waste school time. They were gradually getting more comfortable around me and vice versa, the fate of the Equestria didn't hang in the balance of these questions, so I had nothing to worry about.

I leant in further, easily absorbing the questions and enjoying the peace of mind that came about from conversing with some children. Trivial subjects came and went- pets, school and human jobs, but then they came to a question I had no idea how to answer. What was my cutie mark?

"What's a cutie mark?" I asked, confused. Looks like I was about to learn a lesson from the kids, as each of them contributed their own little bit into the explanation.

"It's the mark you get when you discover your one special talent!"

"It says what you'll be good at and what job you'll get!"

"It stays with you forever! Look at Miss Cheerilee's!"

I looked back to Cheerilee, who was pointing at the three smiling flowers. I remember being bewildered by them when I first exited the hospital, but I never pursued it any further. A mark that symbolises your talent that'll stay with you forever? I estimated I was the only one who thought that sounded terrifying.

What would mine be? A bottle of pills, a shattered skull? A broken shield. A split shield, cracked and drowned in alcohol.

"Humans don't have them." Neither did these kids, but I could accurately suspect that Pipsqueak's would be something to do with adventure.

"Then how are you supposed to find the perfect job for you?" Cheerilee abruptly asked, dragging my attention from the kids.

"You learn all about what you want to be. I think that's as simple as I can put it. Requirements, knowledge and experience."

"What's your job?" A child of the crowd wondered. I did not like the signs passing by this road to regret. 'Failure' and 'embarrassment' blocked any chance of a U-turn out of it.

"I used to protect people, like one of your royal guards."

"Like an action hero!" One of them called out. "Stopping the bad guys with pies and eclairs!" This elicited excited gasps from them all. Really? Pies and éclairs were the equivalent to rifles and grenades out here? The adults were just as innocent as the children.

Still, I preferred this reprehensible fame to the truth, no matter how mocking it was to my ill-fated life.

"Have you ever saved a princess while stopping a hundred manticores?!" They were getting really riled up for this, so I went along. Just replace 'princess' with trophy wife and 'manticores' with well-armed drug dealers.

"Actually, yeah, something like that." I was willing to bend the stained blade that cut through my life back on itself, using it for my own selfish fun. And I didn't care.

"I remember defending myself and the crew of a ship against a horde of angry sharks while we were sailing back to land, they were knocking the deck about and ripping the hull apart." What the fuck am I talking about?

"What did you do?!" An eager, young mare asked.

"I went down into the diver's cage and punched them all in the face."

Cries of "Awesome!" and "Woah!" were being repeated through the room.

They were adoring the fictitious lies streaming from my mouth, and their amazement was fuelling my own energy, allowing me to stand up and act out certain scenes of other stupid bullshit.

"And there was this one time I was stuck on an island full of zombies," I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. I guess by zombies I meant corrupt officers. "And I had to lure them into an elaborately set-up trap. I kept kicking them into cages and holes..." Electric fences. "...Before I could inject them with an antidote." Lead.

Again, more cheering and noises of commendation went up, the kids taken by the product of too many late night movies. I was stood in a fighting stance, having defeated the last zombie in my drug-addled mind, grinning with my fake victory and false euphoria.

"Wow! You must be super strong!" Pipsqueak said, looking up at my immense size in comparison with himself. If by strong, he meant being unable to prop myself out of bed in the morning, then I had been taking steroids instead of painkillers this whole time.

"Can you lift us up on your human arms?!" He said again, circling me as I was slowly forced into the middle of the room by the flocks of ponies. I may have took this too far, but I had my old friend adrenaline back, and it wasn't a fight or flight situation.

"Sure," I knelt down, my back cracking with age and built up stress. It was then I was consumed by the entire class, all enveloping me in their individual weights. I had them hanging off my arms, back, shoulders and legs, like a swarm of oddly-shaped growths. It was a struggle at first, but somehow, I forced myself up, pushing myself past the immense mass and lifting them into the sky.

My face was red with over-exertion, I could tell, but the encouraging cries of my minions ushered me forward, my legs driving ahead, taking them on a sky-high journey. Their laughter filled the air, and I'm pretty sure one of the was dangling from my head. I stumbled my way to the ends of the room and back.

Momentarily, I was a shadow of my former self, I was, along with these kids, having that mystery to me known as 'fun'. The regret, guilt and pity of my former life had vanished, washed away by the last beacon of innocence known to man.

Like all good things, my body couldn't allow this to continue, choosing to crumble before me. The energy wore off, and I was brought to the ground by the sudden realization that I was a moron carrying a dozen kids on my back. I fell to the ground, the kids jumping off before impact, and landed into the soft mats layering the floor.

Everyone was laughing at me, including myself, as I lay defeated on the floor. Breathing heavily, I held my hand to my smooth head as I prepared for one hell of a headache. Funny, usually it'd be a hangover.

A short burst of coughing left my lungs burning, and moved me upright. I made my way slowly back to the seat as the children took their own back on the floor. Cheerilee looked about as entertained as the children did, and I rested my back against the cold, white wall from the position on my miniature chair.

"So..." Cheerilee started once the children were calm and listening once more, my major distraction clearly having an affect on their learning. She should have anticipated that as soon as she hired me. "Any other questions for Max?"

There was a halted silence, lasting only several seconds before a random voice suggested, "Why do you smell so bad?"

About five years old and already capable of insulting me successfully. Kid's gonna go far. Then again, I took the opportunity, and I could easily smell myself.

"Yeah... Ol' Max has yet to test out pony showers. Thanks for confirming that."

The small blond unicorn's, Dinky's, eyes swiftly went wide, and she called out to me. "Max! Can you read us a story?"

I didn't think I was too adaptable to take on this situation, but I looked at Cheerilee, and her nod stated a mutual trust in me not to screw this up.

"Alright, pick out something."

Dinky's eyes lit up and she raced to the bookshelf to her side. She scrambled through the many books on the shelves, and once she had her target, neatly reorganised them back into place. She brought the thin-looking book in her mouth to me, and I scanned over the book as she took her seat.

I skimmed through the small number of pages there were to get a better idea of what I was up against. Surprisingly, it struck a major resemblance to the 'ugly duckling' story that everyone was familiar with. I always entertained myself with the idea of being a narrator, so with little else to do, I improvised some of the lines.

"There once was an duckling, born into a healthy family of happy ducks. This duckling, however, was different. This duckling bore with him the weight of his crushing anxiety for the day to come, the crippling depression that sprouted from months of ridicule. All of this, because he was considered an 'ugly duckling'."

My audience, without looking up, I could tell, were both confused and enthralled.

"As each day passed, he faced countless challenges that threatened to strip the fibre of his being to the bare core of it's upset soul. The torment and anguish fired from his peers was nothing of that compared to what he wished to redirect back at them. He contemplated many things, but each time he became perched on the quicksand of dread that he was sure would swallow him."

Was I scaring them? I think I was scaring Cheerilee, she might be the only one who understood most of this.

"Each night was a frenzy of worry and remorse, a pit forming in his stomach, indicating the emptiness of his life. Until one fateful night, when the duckling woke the next day. Erratic feelings overwhelmed him as he caught a glimpse of himself in the river. Ecstatic, the duck saw he was-"

The bell rang out, ending my brief career as a children's narrator, and causing a clamouring of "Awwwh."

So, somehow, they were appreciating my apparent skills, and were reluctant to be lead outside by Cheerilee.

"Sorry class, but recess is recess, and you need to be prepared for the surprise spelling quiz I have in store."

This echoed more groans of disapproval from the class, but, gradually, they emptied the class. All but one, the young, grey unicorn Dinky, who took the book back off me.

"Max?" She asked.

"Yeah?"

"Will you be back maybe to finish it?"

"Huh, I don't know. You really want me back?"

"Yeah! That was the bestest lesson ever! Humans are cool!"

"Then I'll think about it," I assured, and she beamed me a smile before being escorted by Cheerilee outside.

For once, a job well done. I managed to not scar the minds of the youth too much, and even have a fan. Progress. Again, I would advise otherwise for the poor girl, but something in this room possessed me to admire my short time here. Probably the most fun I've had in my entire life.

The stories that twisted the already unbelievable events of my life, while a massive jeer to the fallen in my life, released something from me.

"That really was something," Cheerilee said, standing in the doorway.

"Yeah... do you think I laid on the vocabulary a bit much?"

"...Yeah, but it was quite astounding seeing them all riled up. You are really good with kids, you know that?"

If only...

"I... need to be going. Might as well see if there's any other jobs on the market while I'm out here."

"Oh, Max, let me pay you something then..." She trotted over to her desk and brought out a purse, engraved was her cutie mark. I was really getting the hang of this. "Sorry, it's not much, I don't carry much with me."

She handed me a dozen gold coins, more than enough to at least have a day of exploring shops.

"Keep it. I don't need it." I filtered them all back into her purse, lost riches falling into the dark depths.

"But... I thought you were looking for extra money?"

"It's a human thing. If I'm enjoying it, it's not a job. Thanks."

"If you're sure..." She said, and then started to take everything back to her desk. "You remember the way back home, right?"

"Yeah, no problem."

"Good. Thank you, Max, I have the feeling these kids won't forget you for a while. It's been a pleasure."

"All mine, see you, Cheerilee."

As I reached the corridor, she called my name one last time.

"Max? One last thing, you didn't really punch all those sharks in the face?"

"Heh, nope. Never been near one."

"Just checking," She smiled, and we departed.

Once more, and probably for the final time, I walked up the stairs leading to the town hall and started reading the messages. Aside from the several memos about meeting times, there was one particular note which punched me square in the jaw. It must have been recently added, I would have noticed it before.

Bodyguard Wanted for Guarding of Magical Performance!

I couldn't help it- I started laughing. The rare time I showed any emotion and it was down to amusement from my own failures. At least there was barely anyone around to see me cover my face in my grinning folly. Each snicker was another kick to a former acquaintance's tombstone.

This... I was considering this as my redemption for my piss-poor job as a previous bodyguard. Whatever the conditions, I was taking this job. I swore I could hear the corpses of the Branco's howling with laughter.

I read further down, but it was relatively vague.

Outskirts of the Everfree forest if interested, must be willing to get messy.

Unless that was innuendo for getting blood on my hands, I didn't have a problem with dirt. I doubted this would be a serious job, life-or-death, seeing as how so far they hadn't heard of guns. Maybe an intimidation mission.

Outskirts of the Everfree... that was where I passed out, I remember the doctor saying. This would be the perfect opportunity to ask both the route there, and for more painkillers. I could remember my way to the doc's, it was only yesterday I was lying there with a bandage around my head, sealing in all my confusion. I can't remember when or where I took it off, but the infection seemed to have healed, leaving a faint scar denting my shiny head.

Ignoring everything else, I started off towards the hospital, ready for another fix. Old habits die hard, and this one would go out guns blazing.