Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Mother-fuck-it-up-the-ass-and-call-it-christmas-WRONG!

How could I have been so unutterably god forsakenly stupid? Press yes, nothing bad will happen of it! Nope! Nothing wrong with that!

I pressed the button marked yes. I immediately found myself smack dab in the middle of a forest. No zip, bam, wizz or anything like that. No fanfare, nothing that would remarkably say anything along the lines of 'I've been transported magically'. Just, one second in my room, the next I'm lying down on the middle of the forest floor.

I got up, brushed myself off, and accessed my surroundings. Definitely a forest of some kind. Birch, oak, and elm all in the same grove. This was certainly a weird forest, to be sure. Moss on all four sides of the trees, which didn't bode well. Moss was only supposed to grow thick on the north side of the trunks, the side that got the least amount of sun over the course of a day. I guess the trees foliage were too thick for that trick though, guess I wouldn't be telling my direction from that, at least.

I heard an irritable twitter up above me, and craning my head I managed to catch sight of a bird. A bird in a forest, how mysterious. It fluttered down to a lower branch, tweeting at me all the way. Almost like it was trying to get my attention. How odd. Maybe the bird was house trained? It would be sorely disappointed if it expected any food from me. Looked like the little guy was some kind of hummingbird, but I couldn't place a name to the exact type. He looked... rare? I guess the word I'm looking for is rare. I remembered seeing his feather pattern somewhere online... oh well. Didn't help me to stress on that now.

It let loose a low twit of birdcall at me, then settled back on it's branch.

"Silly bird, I don't have any food for you," I laughed, "if you are someones pet, I wonder if I could go get them? Let them know a random city slicker somehow found his way into the middle of a forest?" I asked, the situation not lost on me. Of course I didn't expect anything to come of it, it was just a stupid bird after all. Still, it made me feel better.

To my surprise, it let loose with a flurry of tweets, then flew off. Guess I must have said something similar enough to a command it knew that made it want to return to the roost. Perhaps it had flight commands for specific locations. For all the good that did me. Watching it's departing form, I squinted my eyes to see it better as it got further away. It looked like a... "Honduran Emerald," I confirmed, having taken my mind off of my current situation for a scant few seconds. Wait, did that mean I was somehow in Honduras? It was the only place they could be found in the wild, anyway...

A skill has been created through a special act.

Through continuous observation, a skill to find the targets information, 'Observe', has been created.

"Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I said to break the silence as the rectangles faded from view.

I had... gained a skill? Like... from the manga?

Well, it wasn't the craziest thing that had happened to me today. Status windows were appearing in front of me, I had apparently been teleported to the Honduras highlands or something, the existence of magic wasn't exactly the most surprising event of the day.

"Inventory," I called out, testing my theory. Sure enough, a brown screen segmented into different slots popped up in front of me. On the left side of the screen was a silhouette of my body, with several boxes overlaying it. Of the twelve open slots, four of them were filled. The bat I was still holding in my hand was in the lower left corner, so I have to assume that was the 'weapon slot'. To the right of that, it showed what shirt and pants I was wearing, and just below those... socks.

Oh right, I was just laying on my bed. My shoes were back in my apartment. What, you lay on your bed with your shoes on? Weirdo. I kinda wish I was a weirdo too right now, a forest was not the kind of place you want to wander around in nothing but your socks. Sharp sticks and so on. Fuck it all.

"Observe," I said on a whim, staring at the inventory window floating in front of me.

Your Inventory Window. Allows you to store and recover items from a pocket dimension, as well as shows what items and other equipment you currently have equipped.

"Observe," I stated again, whipping my head top the side to look at a tree as I waved the inventory window away.

An Elm. A deciduous tree comprising the genus Ulmus in the plant family Ulmaceae. Size would indicate that this tree is around three hundred to three hundred and fifty years old.

"Observe," I said once more, trying to get into the spirit. If I had the ability of a skill that allowed me to supernaturally observe my surroundings, I might be able to catch a glimpse of a portal or something that brought me here, maybe I could get back and get my shoes at the very least.

Timberwolf. Lv 13
HP: 700
MP: 30
With the souls of deceased pack wolves granting them life, their bodies are comprised of twigs, logs, and leaves. Territorial, and extremely aggressive.

I did a double take at the little window, looking back to where I had been when I last said 'observe'. I saw nothing, it was just a pile of leaves, twigs and other stuff. I poked at the pile with my bat, noting that it didn't immediately jump to life or anything. Maybe the-

A jaw manifested from the pile, clamping down on the end of my bat as the rest of the pile rustled and moved. It gnawed and gnashed at the end, not realizing it wasn't actually a part of my vulnerable, fleshy body. What the fuck.

Fuck this forest. The portal thing couldn't have left me in a normal forest? Well at least I knew I wasn't in Honduras. At least I'm fairly certain they don't have carnivorous piles of debris running around in Central America. And the portal dumped my ass literally three feet away from the vicious little ankle biter! What the fuck, portals are bullshit.

Seeing as I'm not a complete fucking dumbass, I didn't wait for it to lose interest in the bat and turn its attention to chewing on my entrails. I forced the bat from its mouth, and brought it down on top of its head. You might think this was cruel. If I may rebut, fuck you. It was an animate bundle of twigs and other shit, probably a product of black magic that had no feeling aside from 'hey, there's something living, I think I'll eat it'.

So you better believe I started whaling on it with all my energy. Time and again, I brought the bat crashing down, using it in a golfing swing every once in a while to send random bits of it flying off into the woods.

A skill has been created through a special act

A Skill To Deliver A Strong Blow, 'Power Strike', Has Been Created

Power Strike(active) LV1 EXP: 0.0%
Strikes the target with strong force
15% increase in Critical Rate
50% increase in Attack Damage

A skill has been created through a special act

A Skill To Utilize Blunt Weapons Freely, 'Blunt Weapon Mastery', Has Been Created

Blunt Weapon Mastery(passive) LV1 EXP: 13.92%
Allows the user to freely handle blunt weapons
10% increase in Attack Damage with Blunt Weapons
5% increase in Attack Speed with Blunt Weapons

"Fuck ooooofffffffffffffff," I muttered, trying to get the stupid screens to go away and stop obscuring my vision. I was in the middle of trying not to get my legs chewed off by a wolf made of wood, I could read shit later. Once I managed to wave them away, I looked back down at the ground.

The Timberwolf was gone. Had I... completely destroyed it? No, it still had a fair amount of its mass when the windows had started popping up. Did it sneak away? Why? It wasn't like it could do much anymore anyway, so maybe I could just not look this gift horse in the mouth.

A sharp pain in my shoulder promptly told me to stop being a dumbass, and to kill these fuckers to the last twig the next time I saw one. It had circled around to my blind spot while I fought my epic battle against the status windows. It then somehow leapt at me -I BROKE ITS TWIG AND BRANCH LEGS. HOW DO YOU JUMP WITH NO LEGS???- and tore out a chunk of my shoulder with its passing.

It landed in front of me, showing me exactly how the hell it had managed such a feat. It was reforming itself. Pieces of itself were being dragged back towards itself, sliding along the forest floor. For fucks sake. Fucking hacking wolf bullshit.

It let loose with a sinister low growl, then leaped in for the kill, straight at my throat.

I had less than a second to react. So instead of trying to dodge, I risked it all on an off chance that probably wasn't going to work.

"Inventory!"

The screen popped up in front of me, and I grabbed onto the edges of the metaphysical object. I swung it as if it was a physical object, swinging it straight at the wooden wolf. To my surprise, this actually fucking worked. The wolf disappeared into the window, leaving me with a pounding adrenalin rush and nothing to work it off on.

For a couple seconds, I enjoyed the silence. Then I quit being an idiot, and turned the inventory window to look at it better. Sure enough, right there at the upper left the first little segregated box was now filled in with a slightly cartoonish graphic. It... looked similar to the timberwolf I had been fighting, but it looked like it was curled up on its side. It also looked like a puppy version of itself. For some reason.

I prodded the square and said, "Observe," hoping it would tell me what the hell I had actually just done.

Runt Timberwolf Familiar*Common*(passive) LV1 EXP: 0.0%
You succeeded in capturing the essence of a Timberwolf and binding it your own.
Much of its strength, experience, and memory has been lost in the process.
The Runt Timberwolf Familiar's skills will mirror your own, growing and learning alongside its Pack Leader.
The Runt Timberwolf Familiar's appearance will begin to mirror your and its own actions, growing and learning alongside its Pack Leader.
Max number of Familiar *Timberwolf* you can currently have in the Pack: 1.

"I... wait, what? Bound? Essence? You make NO SENSE, that should have just trapped it in my inventory, the fuck do you mean I now have it as a famili-"

A skill has been created through a special act

A Skill To Capture And Turn Unbound Monster Souls, 'Trap Monster', Has Been Created

Trap Monster(active) LV1EXP: 0.0%
30% chance to trap.
Creates a dimensional trap, One foot by Two feet to trap souls that are not bound to a living body.
Monsters of Higher level have an increased chance to break free of the trap.
Due to the size, only a Monster that can fit in the trap can be caught in it.
5% greater chance to trap monsters of lower level than the user.

The fuck. He never got anything like that in the manga, and again I just wanted to trap it in my inventory. Well I guess I can't argue with results. I poked at the boxes again, making everything but the inventory disappear. I poked at the slot that held the tiny little wolfy, hoping against hope that letting it out wasn't going to end badly for me.

My hand sunk into the window, and I felt a rough weight descend onto my hand. About five pounds, if I was gauging it correctly. I pulled it out of the window... and fuck all if this thing wasn't fucking cute. It was curled up in the palm of my hand, looking no bigger than my hand itself. As I continued to stare at it, it let out an adorable little stretch and the cutest fucking yawn ever before returning to it's curled up state.

"Where did so such a small Timberwolf come from?" a feminine voice asked from RIGHT OVER MY FUCKING SHOULDER. "To be as such, small enough to fit in your palm?"

I did a less than manly pirouette, letting loose with a high pitched screech as I did so. My outburst woke up the little bugger resting in my palm, who immediately took to my shoulder and started growling at the lady who had sneaked up on me.

The lady...horse... zebra... thing.

She was wearing a tight strip of cloth over her breasts, and continued her 'amazon garb' theme with a loincloth and a short furry cloak over her shoulders. She had a litany of golden rings encircling her neck, her wrists and even a single solitary ring was pierced through one of her ears. Her clothes were the most normal thing about her, seeing as she looked like a furries wet dream come to life. Her head was horselike... but softer. Cartoonish, almost. Definitely attractive in a way that certain folk might find attractive. Looking downward, her legs ended in- SHE DIDN'T HAVE FEET. SHE HAD HOOVES OH MY GOD HER LEGS JUST WENT DOWN AND ENDED IN STUMPS OH MY GOD.

"Um." I was probably the first human to ever meet an ACTUAL other species that was capable of human speech. English, at that. I had to put my best foot forward, seeing as she wasn't all that frightened by my own appearance. Had she seen humans before, if her reaction was anything to go by? The portal could have landed me in a world where 'Horse' was simply another species modifier. Like 'Elf' and 'Lalafell'. In that case, she might know where to go to get back to civilization.

"Hello! Hi. Hows it going. I... kinda captured its soul or something? Somehow? I don't really know. Look, I don't know where I am," I led after having... kinda answered her question. "Would you happen to know where the nearest... town is?" I asked, halfway hopeful.

She continued to inspect me for a couple seconds, eventually responding, "I can guide you, and I will, back 'pon the town of Ponyville. Is that all right, sir pony? I ask that you mind the path, in some parts it grows quite stony."

I... did she just call me a pony? I wasn't a pony. I quickly inspected my arms, using my hands to reach up and test my ears. Still human.

Roll with it.

"Yes, that's fine with me, stop that," I chastised the little wooden wolf perched on my shoulder, still growling away. At my words and wagging finger in front of its face, it clammed up. It let it's tongue loll out and began panting. "I don't mean to impose on you yet further, but is this town far? I seem to have been transported here against my will, and as such wasn't allowed the time or thought to grab my shoes."

Her gaze traced down to look at my feet. Then back up at me.

"I thought twas only your choice in those, to gallivant about in naught but hose."

Bitch. "Well it wasn't my choice, and that doesn't matter, I'm here, I can't figure out how to get back, and I don't have my shoes. Nothing I can really do about that. Is this... 'Ponyville' close?"

"Tis but a short walk through the wood, a twenty minute walk or so, if you could?"

I definitely could, but her fucking rhyming was starting to get on my nerves. "Uh, yeah. Thanks. I think I can manage. Well then, my name is Colton, and you are?"

"Zecora," she said simply, setting off at a brisk walk.

What? No rhyme? Maybe I upset her or something. Don't know how, I may badmouth people to my fucking content INSIDE my head, but I try to have a polite exterior.

She led me through the forest, stopping every once in a while as I sat down to pry a stick or splinter or OTHERWISE from out of the bottom of my soles. My socks were fucking BLACK on the bottom by this point. It was like the entire goddamn forest wanted to take up housing in the soft fleshy underside of my feet.

"You take breaks an awful lot, I bet most definitely, your shoes you wish were brought?" she said in a happy tone. Bitch, delighting in my pain.

"Yes. I wish I brought my shoes. Haha. How much longer, you said this was going to be a twenty minute walk, and so far it's been," I brought up my watch, checking the time. "Thirty seven minutes. It's been closer to an hour. Are we anywhere near close?"

"Closer we would be, if not to stop every minute, for your feet," she retorted.

It was almost twenty minutes after that that we finally came out of the forest. Enough time for me to bitch and complain and for her to actively ignore me and lead the way. Suffice to say, we tolerated each others preference. Her because apparently she was actually a good person, and myself because I needed her help.

I gave her a curt nod, and a slight word of thanks, and she returned the gesture. Then she disappeared back into the forest. Wellllll, can't say I'd miss her.

Not quite in the distance, but far enough away to still piss me off because it meant THAT MUCH MORE walking, was what looked like a town My poor, poor feet. I trudged my way over to the nearest house, making my way out into a busy street. The street itself was plain dirt. That didn't speak very well of the state of the civilization itself, but apparently such observations was unfounded.

There were humans. Walking around, doing human things. WEARING human things. Normal HUMAN clothes, shirts, pants, so on and so on. Slightly old timey fantasy-esque style clothes, but... kinda normal. Supplemented by a variety of... medieval looking accessories. Everyone wore an array of pouches, either on belts or sewn directly into the clothes themselves. Such a welcome sight. Even though this looked like a bit of a boonies town, I didn't see even one person on a phone.

NOT ONE.

What I did see, was that pretty much every last person was carrying a specific item.

A weapon. The woman I just passed had a hatchet slung through her belt, and a trio of flower peddlers each had wicked looking stillettos half hidden within the folds of their dresses. Across the street, I saw two more women. The one with musical notes stitched into her skirt sash and a pair of vibrant maroon sunglasses perched up on her brow had a couple of bladed chakram hanging from a bandolier over her shoulder, while the sea foam green haired lass she was talking to had a harp cradled in her arms. Even from this distance, I could see the upward tips of the harps 'u' shape were sharpened to a deadly point.

Good god I was in a rural fantasy town.. I looked over and saw a couple of people enacting a transaction. Money, for apples. The lady at the stall had been wearing a cowboy hat along with a long thick brown cape, which in itself was weird. I could see the hilt of a sword over her shoulder, by the size of it I could reliably say it was almost as long as she was tall. What really caught me off guard, was what they USED as money. Coins.

Not just any coins, but GOLD coins. Called them 'bits'. Guess that went with the whole horse theme they had going on here. Their town was named Ponyville, there were anthro horse people walking around -oh did I forget to mention that? There were a SHITTON more humans, but every so often I saw a couple anthro... donkeys? I guess? Also a couple goats. No one seemed to care, so I guess I shouldn't either- and even their money was something horse themed.

So I was screwed there. Even if I had had my wallet, I highly doubt they'd take more than one look before telling me to get lost.

"Umm... excuse me... are you all right?" I heard a timid voice ask behind me.

Turning around, I beheld a vision of moe the kind which fans only dream of. A girl with long as fuck pink hair -Yeah, they may have been human, but a lot (read, ALL) of them had the weirdest fucking hairstyles and haircolors ranging from hot pink to aqua blue- was standing there, wearing a yellow and green dress. The bottom of -and her overarching theme- her dress was plant themed, the folds of green fabric opening outward in a flower bell down towards her feet. Encircling her shoulders was a leafy cloak, fastened with a pink butterfly broach. In her hand, was what looked like an ornate staff. Most surprising however, was what I could see peeking out from behind her.

She had WINGS. Long, fluttery, large yellow feathered wings. She had them tucked against her, but they were still visible. Was she an angel? Some form of variant of human? Asking might be seen as rude. So I didn't.

Perched on her shoulder was... that bird from the forest. God dammit, it was house-trained. Made me feel kinda miffed that it didn't go and get help. Bird sure as shit wasn't no lassie.

"Umm, I'm sorry... it's just," she stuttered, "Mr Mango here says he saw you in the Everfree Forest, and that you asked him to go find help?"

...Fuck-up-the-cherry-windpipe-with-bacon. Fucking Lassie bird. Why the fuck not? Wait-

"If it can actually speak, why did it only tweet at me?" I asked in a slightly overly irritated tone. I knew I had overstepped, due to the fact that she cringed and actually tried to hide within her own hair. I let out a low sigh, scratching at my brow with free hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice. What I meant to say was-" FUCK YOU STOP HIDING IN YOUR HAIR YOU SCAREDY CAT BITCH AND JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME! "If the bird is intelligent to the point of being able to talk to you, how come he didn't talk to me?"

She seemed to perk up at my softened tone, peeking out from the folds of her hair. "Oh... well... That's just an ability associated with my special talent. I can understand my animals... because I work with them so much..." her voice was quiet, and it honestly was kinda hard to hear her. I wish she'd just fucking speak up already, it wasn't like I would bite her.

Then she caught sight of the yet to be named timberwolf perched on my shoulder. Her eyes grew wide, and I could practically hear the gears grinding away in her head. With a squeal I can only assume was audible all the way on other planets, She closed the distance with a speed I can only call 'inhuman'. Well she did use her wings.

And she snatched the little 'smiling' -you know what dogs do, it's not really smiles,but it sure as hell looks like it.- bundle of twigs and branches right off my shoulder, laughing as it slathered her face in messy dog kisses. I don't think that was actual slobber though. Looked like tree sap.

"Whats... his name?" she asked tentatively. Good god girl, grow a fucking spine.

"Haven't given him one yet," I replied succinctly.

She frowned, a slight curling of her lips that was admitably extremely cute. "But if he doesn't have a name... what do you call him?"

I returned her frown with one of my own. I didn't like being put on the spot. Especially in naming pets I didn't really ask for.

The tiny timberwolf let off a small wuff of air, panting and 'grinning' at me.

"Hax."

"Hacks?" the girl parroted back at me. I could hear the 'c' and the 'k', don't judge me.

"Short for Haxxors. Two x's. It's a personal joke." That, and the fact that he even existed was in and of itself, fucking hax. It didn't even have lungs, yet it was happily panting away. "It fits him, trust me. Can I have him back?" I held out a hand, and without any further prodding Hax lept out of her hands and back into mine. Guess he liked me better or something. He made his way back to my shoulder, and settled in. What was he, a freaking parrot?

"It's... a cute name," she said quietly. Fuck you it wasn't cute, it was awesome.

"Thanks," I said in short.

We stood there for a few more seconds, before her gaze tracked over to my other shoulder. The shoulder Hax wasn't resting on, the one the previous version of him had mauled.

So yeah. It was torn and bloody. Strangely enough, the flesh underneath wasn't ripped to shreds like it had been, I didn't even notice how quickly it had healed. I guess that was an effect of one of the two passive abilities the main character had from the start of the manga.

Gamers Body, and Gamers Mind.

Gamers Mind made it so the user wouldn't freak out in times of stress. It wasn't like you would go into a panic if your onscreen character was in the middle of a battle.

Gamers Body made it so the main characters body acted like that of a video game characters. He had a health bar, and all long as his health refilled he could recover from any wound. Wait, so I could recover from any wound now too? Awesome.

Quite predictably, this meek little girl freaked the fuck out about it. I guess it was pretty bad looking, but it was just torn up and bloody, not like it was anything actually bad. She made a loud fuss for a few seconds, grabbing at my shoulder and trying to get a better look at my wound. Once she figured out I was NOT grievously injured, she calmed down

She had managed to tear my shirt even more. Fucking bullshit, and I couldn't even pay for a new one.

"I'm sorry... " she muttered under her breath.

Mousy little thing of a girl.

"It's... it's fine. I didn't really like this shirt anyway," I lied. It was one of my nicer shirts, a plain brown one that was a size too large. Perfect for using as my pajamas. At least I hadn't taken off my pants before settling in to relax. God knows how awkward that would have made the travel through the forest.

"But... I mean... I know someone that can..." she continued on in her quiet tone.

Good god fuck girl, speak the fuck up. "I'm sorry, I don't want to be rude, but could you speak up? My hearing is kind of bad," I lied.

"I... have a friend that could take a look at your shirt?" she suggested.

"Think she'll do it for free?" I asked, pulling out a handful of coins from my pocket. Nickels, dimes and pennies. Seems I hadn't gotten any quarters recently. "I don't think our currency is compatible. A few minutes ago I saw someone buy a bushel of apples with something called bits?" I led.

"We use bits, yes."

... anything else to provide? No? God dammit I think she forgot about my question. Not surprising, I doubt anyone would be willing to do something free for someone they never even met. "So I take that as a no? Not surprising. Do you know of anyone around here who might have a couple tasks or something they might need done? Just so I could get a few quick bits. A little tear like this shouldn't cost too much to fix, right?"

Honestly, I'd rather save what I got, and buy some fucking shoes. But from what I had seen, an apple on it's own cost an entire bit. Something like shoes might well end up costing hundreds of bits.

"I could pay..." she meekly supplied.

But why would she pay for me to fix a rip in my shirt? In fact, why the hell was she being so nice? It made no fucking sense.

"I wouldn't want to impose on you-" I started, but she cut me off with an enthusiastic word.

"Oh it'd be no problem at all! It would be the least I could do for somepony who was so polite to Mr Mango..."

The fuck. Did she just say. Somepony? In what kind of backwater yokel of a burg did the term 'somepony' become a common phrase? That Zebra lady called me a 'pony', too. So... humans were called ponies here? Why the fuck not. Fuck tradition, call everyone after a fucking miniature horse.

"He also told me how your appearance chased off a mongoose that was giving him a hard time..."

I reiterate. The fuck. If the bird was smart enough to convey not only the idea of 'oh hey, this person asked me to go get help', but also, 'when he showed up, Dr. Mongoose -a PHD in EVIL- got frightened off', then could it really be classified as an animal at that point, and not a person?

Mango let out another twitter at me, and Hax let out a woof to mirror it. The fuck, were they talking to each other? Wouldn't be the weirdest thing to happen today.

"... and that why... I wouldn't really mind helping you out..."

God dammit, I was paying attention to the dumbass animals while she was talking. She gave me a reason why she was helping me, and I didn't even fucking listen. Oh well, I could just ask her again later. An excuse like 'I was paying attention to your animals' seemed like it might actually fly with this girl.

Well okay then, she apparently trusted a complete stranger she just met, based solely on the word from her bird. I'll buy that.

I'd still have to ask about a pair of shoes.

Or failing that, given this town, boots.

"Ahm tellin' yall, we already been down this way twice!"

"Then why didn't you say anything before?"

"Ahm sayin' somethin now!"

"Applebloom, Scootaloo? I think you should take a look at this."

The two cutie Mark Crusaders quit bickering amongst themselves, looking over to where their third member was half sticking out of a hidden door built into the wall of the passage.

"Ooh, whadja find, Sweetiebelle?" Scootaloo asked, her light purple hair bouncing with the sound of her voice.

"I think you were right, we were just going in a circle! So I started checking the walls as we passed, and this one kinda just swung open!" Sweetie replied jauntily. Rarity would be proud of her, an apprentice bard managing to accomplish something even full ranked Sneaks, Thieves and Diplomats found difficult at times. To sniff out a hidden passageway with such ease, Rarity would just have to praise her for that. Mom and dad though... they'd praise her for pretty much anything. It was nice... but it lacked a certain 'oomph' when they gave her the same level of support for mastering a complex song, as they did for cleaning up her room.

Of course, their parents might just try and discipline them for going and getting themselves stuck in an unmarked dungeon.

The way things worked, if a dungeon or other such location was found, the location would be marked and a request to the guard in Canterlot would be sent for a crawl. When they finally got around to it, a battalion of twenty to forty guards would 'crawl' the location. Mages, Sneaks and others would meticulously disable any traps, magical or otherwise. All combat efficient personnel would systematically clear out any harmful or dangerous wildlife, sentinels, and so forth. Everything of worth would be distributed among the town that had logged the 'dungeon'.

And they would definitely log the presence of an undiscovered dungeon. If they could figure out how to get out of it.

What had started out as a simple request to locate and harvest herbs and other flora for Zecora, had quickly taken a turn for the worse upon exploring a cave that MIGHT contain a particular kind of lichen. The floor had collapsed underneath them, and they had found themselves dumped two stories down, no way to make their way back up as the cave had closed itself behind them with a miniature avalanche of falling rocks.

They had come to the conclusion that they HAD come across a dungeon, right after the second skeleton. The second animate, skeleton.

The first might have just been a fluke, after all.

They might have had an easier time if Sweetiebelle had brought her lute. She knew a fair amount of spellsong that would have proven useful at a time like this, ranging from a simple orb of light to better illuminate their way -Thankfully, Applebloom had been carrying a couple of chemical light sticks. They were difficult enough to construct, but well worth the trouble- to a charmsong of dispell, to rid the skeletons of their motion for a time.

As is, they had to rely on Scootaloo to distract the ones they had come across, giving Applebloom an opening to smash them over the head with her wrench. The tool was much better used in her craft as an Artificer, but it did the trick for these skeletons. It couldn't rid them of their locomotion, but that was easily sorted out by smashing every last bone into shards. They still tried to move around, but they couldn't menace them with their crude swords anymore.

"So what should we call this place?" Scootaloo asked, looking at the walls of the tunnel as she walked behind Applebloom.

"What?" Applebloom retorted, ducking at a low patch of ceiling.

"What should we call it!" Scootaloo reaffirmed. "We found it, right?"

"Oh yeah!" Sweetiebelle belted out, "We got first dibs! We should totally call it something like the... Crusader's Grotto?" she ended weakly, unsure in the naming.

"The C.M.C Skeleton hideout of kick butt awesomeness!" Scootaloo offered.

"That's kinda a mouthful," Applebloom said, her nose wrinkling as she tried to think up a cool name. "What about... Crusaders Cave? Ah know it's kinda like Sweetiebelles, but it rolls off the tongue, right?"

"I like it!" Sweetiebelle chirped, a joyful lilt to her voice.

Scootaloo let out a low sigh. She knew she was outvoted. "Looks like Crusaders Cave it is."

They trudged on, the low ceiling eventually evening out into a flat, featureless rock. The corridor turned into a square hallway the further the went, until the path turned a sharp ninety degrees to the right. They each stopped, surveying where the path had led them. It was a dead end.

Of a sort.

The hallway ended in a wall of flat, grey-ish rock. On either side of the hallway, stood four doors set into the stone.

"Okay, I don't need to be a Sneak to say this looks like a trap, right?" Scootaloo supplied warily. "Cause if anything ever looked like a trap, then this looks like a trap."

"Can't you just use your 'magic monk' powers to find which door is the right one, if there is a right door?" Sweetiebelle asked.

"I'm an Arcane Monk. I use spirit energy, not magic," Scootaloo rebutted.

"What's the difference?" Sweetiebelle pressured, "I've never really been clear on that."

Scootaloo let out a harsh sigh, "It just is, all right? So what do we do now?"

"Not much we can do, is there?" Applebloom confirmed, walking over to tentatively place a hand on the first doorhandle. "Unless we wanna go back to the endless circle till mah sticks die out, we check the doors," She gulped. her trepidation sounding in the quiet of the tunnel. "Bein' as careful as we can be the whole way. Iffin' a room looks dangerous, we close it as quietly and quickly as we can. Agreed?"

Scootaloo and Sweetiebelle each gave her a curt nod.

Applebloom opened the first door, revealing a room piled high in an endless ocean of golden bits, sparkling jewels and other sorts of treasures.

Scootaloo took a step forward, the glint of gold dancing in her eyes. With all of this, there was no end to what they could buy! A new scooter for her, that glistening gem of a lute Sweetiebelle had been pining over, all the little parts and sundries Applebloom could ever want for any of her creations-

Applebloom shut the door, placing a hand on Scootaloo's chest to stop her forward progress.

"What the heck Applebloom, what are you doing? Did you see that in there? All left unattended, we could take all we could carry and it wouldn't even make a dent!"

"Scootaloo. Calm down. Think. Weren't you just saying to keep an eye out for traps? What better room for them? A room where you abandon your inhibitions, just to get a single handful of gold. After all, it's not like anypony would miss it, right?" Applebloom said with a smile, watching as Scootaloo realized her blunder. "After we log this dungeon, we'll get a finders fee. If there actually is any gold in there, and it ain't some sort of illusion."

"Y-yeah..." Scootaloo admitted weakly.

Applebloom took out a marking substance, painting the surface with a 'P,T'. Possibly Trapped. She made her way to the next door, opening it slightly. It opened into a rather nondescript are, the room small and claustriphobic. From the door alone, it didn't seem to be that there was anything of interest.

Applebloom opened the third door. And froze. There was at least twenty skeletons... milling about. Bumping off of one another, they avoided the walls. Endlessly walking.

Sweetiebelle let out a sharp hiss of a gasp.

Each and every last skeleton stopped, frozen in their steps as the sounds of their movements died down to nothing more than echoes. As a singular entity they each turned their bony heads on their dessicated necks to stare at the trio in the doorway.

"Maybe... they'll stay in their room?"

As one, they all made shaky steps towards the crusaders, their bones clacking and clattering against each other. Applebloom slammed the door shut violently, reaching into her belt pouch and dragging out a bundle of powder. Both applied to the door handle and a quick spark to ignite the concoction later, and the doorhandle had slagged inward upon itself.

"That'll give us a couple seconds," Applebloom huffed, hurriedly making her way to the next door while preparing another handful of her forge burning powder. Open door, quick look inside. She slammed it shut and moved on to the next one. Much of the same, she moved on to the other side of the hallway, and it's four unchecked doors. The sounds coming from the skeleton room were becoming worrysome, the door itself starting to splinter with the ferver that they were forcing upon it.

Applebloom whipped open the first door in the set, her face growing pale as she saw what lay within. She tried to slam the door shut like she had the others, but a long rubbery tentacle snaked it's way out of the room and lodged itself in the doorjamb. She hurriedly whaled on it with her wrench, shouting with joy as it whimpered and withdrew back into it's room. Applebloom likewise disabled this room as well, moving to the next one.

The door holding back the skeletons caved under their onslaught, it's remains falling inward to the hallway.

"No time to check the other ones!" Scootaloo yelled. "One in three chance! I choose this one!" she opened the far door, ducking inside and waiting for her friends to join her. They rushed past her, and she slammed the door closed. Applebloom threw a dash of her forge powder at the door handle, melting it to the door itself. They quickly rushed about the room, laboriously dragging a large wooden desk in front of the door.

"Trust me to find the most boring room in the lineup," Scootaloo groused, the dangers of being killed put at bay for a few scant seconds. "A stupid freaking study. Somepony like Mayor Mare might freaking love a place like this, but it doesn't look like there's an exit in here..." Scootaloo stopped, watching her friends frantic movements as they ran around the room, upturning books and papers as they searched for something. "Uh... did I miss a memo?"

"I ain't just gonna sit back and let those skeletons kill me, whoever made this room might have put in a secret exit or somethin', just like the hidden door in the tunnel!" Applebloom reasoned.

Scootaloo nodded, and joined into the fray. She pried back a bookshelf, letting it topple to the floor. An examination of the wall behind it revealed nothing.

Finally they exhausted all possible surfaces that might contain a hidden door.

"We ain't got no choice, we gotta fight em," Applebloom admitted with finality. "We got one advantage, they all gotta go through one tiny little door, iffin' we can smash em to bits before they get through the doorway we might have a chance. Sweetiebelle, grab something you can use like a club."

They got into position, each side by side as they faced down the inevitable.

"Welp, gotta say girls, I really didn't think it'd end like this," Scootaloo griped.

"Like what? Death by skeletons? At least we weren't grabbed by that tentacle monster, right?" Applebloom laughed.

They each joined in on the laughter, clamming up after a few seconds.

"Wish we had asked Big Mac to come with us. Rarity, heck, even Fluttershy could have taken ten times the amount of skeletons piling up back in there." Applebloom nodded. She wished at least one of her sibling had come with her, they wouldn't have had this kind of problem.

"Yeah... but wishing isn't going to do us any good, is it?" Scootaloo stated with a short laugh. "While we're wishing, how about for a Hero to come save us from across space and time, a prince in shining armor to fall in from on high, like down on a falling star?"

They all enjoyed another chuckle, quieting as a low rumble echoed throughout the room.

"What was that?" Sweetiebelle asked.

"Sounds like more of the cave's collapsing in on itself. Ain't surprisin', that's how we got in this mess, remember?" Applebloom responded.

With a titanic clash of rending stone giving way, the roof opened up and deposited a form in front of them.

"Did... I just get a hero that fell in from on high?" Scootaloo asked incredulously. "Should I wish for a way out?"

"Fuck ALL the ducks!" a voice roared in pain from the pile of rubble lying in front of them.

"Maybe... not."

"Fuck your goddman mother in the face with a tire iron!"

Author's Notes:

Just like with all my other Displaced stories, feel free to leave a question for Colton! He'll be more than happy to respond to your questions. Just leave them down there in the comments.

And apologies beforehand. Colton is kinda... crass. His response very well might make a sailer blush.