"Discord tapped his one of his fingers on the table in an unsteady, upbeat rhythm.

"Why, dear Luna, is she late for breakfast?"

Luna, who was sitting at the end of the dining room table reading Batmare, gave a simple shrug of the shoulders, and said something most wouldn't be able to understand with a mouthful of toast.

Discord perked up.

"Shipping ponies, you say?"

Luna nodded.

"Celly, of all ponies, shipping! This is great! I can't wait to show her my fanfics!"

Luna nodded again as Discord sped off at top speed. She then paused mid-chew.

"......I'm dead."

----

"Oh, Celly! I have something great to show you!"

Discord stopped outside her door and knocked six times before inviting himself in to find her drinking tea.

She looked up and smiled softly.

"Oh, hello, Discord."

Discord scanned the room over-dramatically and soon bore a look of confusion on his face.

"Where are your ponies?"

Celestia laughed.

"What do you mean?"

"Luna told me you shipped ponies. Where are they?"

Celestia sipped at her tea again.

"Luna is always like that in the mornings, saying things she doesn't mean. Pay no attention. Next she'll be saying I'm a fan of mixed martial arts and 'Oliver!'."

Discord sauntered around her room.

"Oh? You don't like 'Oliver!'? Why not?"

"I'm not a fan of musicals."

"Celly, I hate to break this to you, but your life is one enormous musical."

If Celestia did hear him, she pretended not to, as she peacefully continued to sip her tea.

After a final look over of the room, Discord feigned defeat.

"I suppose I'll be leaving now, toodaloo... Aha!"

He made a quick grab for a box that lay hidden under her bed. Celestia squealed and jumped up onto her hooves.

"Give me back the box, Discord!"

Discord laughed and opened the box to reveal...many tiny pony figurines.

He made a quick grab for Mini Dash and Mini Twilight.

"One of my favourites, if I'm honest. Twidash so chaotic, with them being so different. Let me guess, you like...... Sunlight, right? You have to be a fan of that. No? Then.... Flashlight! No, don't tell me... Is it... Aha! It has to be Appledash, right! You like Appledash! That's it isn't it?"

Celestia sunk deep into herself as she shook her head.

Discord snapped his fingers in defeat.

"Then which ship is your....... It wouldn't be... Rarijack, would it?"

Upon seeing her face, Discord cheered.

"Aha! Who knew you could be so chaotic?! This is great! Now all we need to do is make it canon!"

Celestia gasped.

"You can't do that! It would mess up the timeline of their lives! It could mean the end!"

Discord shooed her with his claw.

"Oh, please. Rarity is a prude and Applejack is clearly not interested in having a child. I doubt it would change anything. Besides, if we don't do this, Applejack and Rainbow Dash will probably start dating, and that ship is far too overrated."

Celestia tapped her two hooves together.

"Well, I am sick of reading fan fictions that are filled with Twijack.... Alright, you can do it. But it has to be naturally, no potions or enchantments or spells. And if you get yourself seen or caught in the act, you're to stop immediately."

Discord smiled.

"You're? I think you mean, 'we're' to stop immediately."

Celestia shook her head.

"No, Discord. Don't bring me into you're schemes."

Discord's grin grew larger.

"You're not getting to me, Discord. I'm not going to help you get Rarity and Applejack together. Not ever. So don't even think about it."

----

"How did I get here?"

Princess Celestia surveyed her surroundings.

"Rarity's boutique, strange. Discord isn't here. Is he?"

It was then the boutique door bell rang, and in walked a young mare with ginger curls and a blue coat. Her eyes were dark, and for a second she stared at Celestia, before giving a little wink.

"Discord?!"

Before she could continue, however, Rarity's singsong voice carried out through the boutique.

"One moment!"

Rarity soon appeared, equipped with a needle and thread, which she placed onto the counter before smiling at the new customer. She didn't seem to notice Celestia.

"Discord you brilliant thing. Invisibility spell."

Discord simply nodded at Rarity and smiled.

"Yes, darling, I'm looking for a particular dress," he/she said in a heavy Canterlot accent.

Rarity smiled at Discord, clearly oblivious.

"Of course, darling, what might it be?"

Before Discord could answer, however, a loud, southern, accent filled the room.

"Hey, Rares, any chance Ah could get outta here fer a second? Ah need a different spanner."

Rarity sighed, before faking a smile.

"Of course, darling. As long as it's done by tomorrow."

Applejack suddenly appeared in the doorway.

"Ah'll be outta yer fancy hair as soon as possible."

As Rarity gave her bits to buy the spanner, she noticed Discord, who was, ever the good actor, pretending to be completely smitten by the mare.

"Ah thought ya said yer shop was closed today?"

"It is, darling, but I must have forgotten to switch the sign."

Applejack nodded, and quickly left the shop, awkwardly shifting glances from Rarity to Discord nervously.

Discord clicked his tongue.

"That your mare friend?"

Rarity, bewildered, started stuttering.

"N-no! I- she- she's fixing my pipes, is all!"

Discord winked.

"She's single, then?"

Rarity laughed, but then seen that he was serious.

"I doubt you'll get far. Trust me, it'll fall on deaf ears."

"You've tried then?"

Rarity seemed to be caught off guard at that statement, and Celestia could practically see the 'gotcha' in Discord's shining eyes.

Rarity cleared her throat.

"Ehem, well, no... Not exactly..." She stuttered, quickly changing the subject, "W-What did you say you wanted again?"

Discord licked his lips.

"Other than her? Just a dress. But I'll get it tomorrow instead. It looks like you're very, heh, busy right now."

Discord smiled at her, winked at Celestia, and left the shop just as Applejack came in. He suddenly appeared beside her.

"Did well, didn't I? I'm quite good at this whole match making thing."

"You didn't get them together yet, Discord. Now, watch."

Applejack smiled at Rarity, before handing her a bit.

"Change," she mumbled, her voice slightly lisped from the spanner in her mouth.

As the two exchanged glances and touched hooves, there was a hesitant look in Applejack's eye as she pulled away.

Celestia squealed.

"Did you see that?! She hesitated to pull away! She wanted to feel Rarity!"

Discord chuckled at the innuendo in that sentence.

"Keep watching."

Rarity thanked Applejack for the bit, and quickly put it on the counter.

"I don't suppose your busy tonight?"

"Nah, not really. Why?"

Celestia gasped but Discord simply furrowed his brow.

"I just really need that done today. I hope it won't take long..."

"Ah'll stay longer, if it means that much t'ya."

Rarity squealed and wrapped her hooves around Applejack's neck, which signaled a blush on both sides.

"Oh, Applejack! You are such a great friend!"

Applejack cringed at the word friend, but smiled all the same.

"No problem, Rare'. It's the least Ah could do."

Rarity released the mare and smiled.

"You had better get started then, I wouldn't want you staying here all night!"

Applejack chuckled.

"Heh, or else Ah might wake up in make up."

The mares parted quickly and Rarity sighed.

"Oh, my. I hope that mare from before doesn't come back. I don't need her putting motions like relationships in my head. Especially with- with Applejack!"

Rarity shook her head.

"There's only one pony for me, and he's coming over tomorrow!"

With that in mind, Rarity left for the sitting room. Celestia sighed.

"I suppose it was a bit silly of me to think they would be together so quickly."

Discord... Well, Discord did something with his head and sniggered.

"I say that this is just the calm before the storm. And speaking of storms..."

Discord snapped his fingers, and heavy rain instantly smacked into the windows and building, a massive storm building up outside.

Celestia stared at him as the storm raged on outside.

"I suppose you can do that, but it better not hurt anyone."

Discord waved a claw at her.

"Pish-posh, do be quiet, I'm working here."

He concentrated for a second, and suddenly a loud cry came from the kitchen.

"Bucking Tartarus!"

Discord smiled victoriously.

Celestia squinted at him.

"What did you do?"

Discord batted his eyelashes innocently.

"Lil' ole me? I didn't do anything."

He grinned.

"That will have a lasting effect on her. Just watch."

They suddenly teleported into the kitchen, and Rarity soon appeared.

She yelped when she saw Applejack.

Blood was gushing from her hoof, and was already staining her now matted fur.

She grinned sheepishly at the Rarity.

"Heh, sorry fer the mess...?"

Rarity face hoofed.

"Darling, blood is pouring like a waterfall from your hoof and you apologize for the mess..?"

Applejack shrugged, still trying to find out what to do with her hoof, all attempts at containing it failures.

"Ah dunno, jes' thought ya'd care more about the stain on yer floor.

She blinked at Rarity, who was getting out a First Aid kit.

"Ah don't need that. It's alright."

Rarity scoffed, and grabbed Applejack's hoof in her magic, along with a wipe to get rid of the blood.

"Have you lost so much blood you can't think straight?"

She cleaned the wound as Applejack stared around the room.

"Ah like yer kitchen. It's, uh, nice."

Rarity hummed, not really listening to the mare.

"Ah ain't never really looked at it before, now that Ah think 'bout it."

She stared at Rarity, who was sewing her cut closed.

"It's nice."

"Hmm, thank you, darling. But I'm afraid you're not in your right mind."

Applejack shrugged, before suddenly jumping up right as Rarity fixed a bandage on her hoof.

"Gee, Ah better be getting home. Granny's probably worried sick about me!"

Rarity grabbed her entirely in her magic and tutted.

"Darling, have seen the weather? It's raining cats and dogs out there! What kind of friend would I be if I let you stay out in that? Especially with a hoof like that!" She said, frantically waving the poor mare around with each word, "No, no, Applejack, it won't do!"

Applejack, who was turning green at that point, nodded in agreement.

Rarity smiled and set the mare down.

"I suppose you'll stay with me, then! Oh, I haven't had a real sleepover since I was twelve. I don't really consider the one with Twilight a sleepover, if I'm honest."

Applejack, who had finally regained her composure, nodded again and followed Rarity into the sitting room.

Celestia laughed.

"Oh, Discord, you clever thing! I never would have thought of that!"

Discord grinned, a faint blush on his cheeks. The notion went unnoticed, however, as Celestia lit up her horn and teleported the two into the sitting room, where the two mares where seated, Rarity rambling on one thing or another while Applejack inspected the bandage on her hoof, bending her foreleg in deep interest.

"Would you like some coffee, darling?"

Applejack looked up from her hoof and nodded.

"Sure, Ah ain't had some since this morning anyhow."

Rarity smiled and went into the kitchen.

She sighed when she saw the mess of water and blotches of blood right in front of the sink.

She tutted and grabbed some paper towels in her magic and began to clean the mess, all the while putting on the kettle and grabbing two cups from the cupboard.

She quickly tossed the messy paper towels in the bin, and sprayed the floor with disinfectant.

"Better safe then sorry!"

Meanwhile, in the sitting room, the ever handsome Discord and Celestia were discussing very important subjects.

"I think that if we get Applejack and Rarity in bed together, it'll be instant sexual tension."

Celestia thought about Discords idea.

"But how are we going to do that?"

Discord chuckled sheepishly.

"Oh, I don't know, a romantic candle lit dinner, maybe? Oh! How about a blackout?"

"We're supposed to get them together, not turn their lives into a cheesy romance movie!"

Discord shrugged.

"This type of relationship only happens in cheesy romance movies and very badly written and conceived fanfictions."

He suddenly gasped.

"Speaking of fanfictions, I know just who can help us!"

Celestia looked at him.

"Please don't say..."

And then Twilight appeared.

She looked around in shock.

"Princess Celestia? Discord? Are we in Rarity's Boutique?"

The two nodded.

Twilight looked forward.

"Applejack ?"

Applejack made no sound, but continued investigating her hoof.

(Sexually) Frustrated, Twilight grunted in annoyance.

"Applejack, I swear to god if you don't answer me I'll sell your farm and show everyone that video of you singing 'I just can't fight this feeling anymore'!"

Applejack, completely oblivious to Twilight, stopped looking at her hoof and called into Rarity.

"Rares-"

"Don't call me that."

"Do ya have a spell fer this?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Yes, really, and if it hurts so much stop poking it!"

Applejack paused.

She poked it again.

"Ah am in serious pain right now, but Ah can't stop."

Discord looked at Twilight, who had her tongue out in concentration as she repeatedly made Applejack poke herself.

"I'm pretty sure that will have lasting effects. And besides, the reason she's ignoring you is because you're invisible. We need you're help getting Applejack and Rarity to make love."

Twilight looked at her phone.

"I may have made that slightly harder."

Discord blinked.

"How so?"

"I kinda just sent Rarity that video."

They all turned and looked at the buzzing phone on the coffee table.

Applejack looked at it.

"Rares-"

"Don't call me that."

Twilight quickly cast a spell on Applejack, freezing everypony around them.

She grinned sheepishly at Discord and Celestia, who were giving her disapproving stares.

She quickly deleted the message.

"Heh, let's pretend that didn't happen...?"

She uncast the spell, and Applejack continued.

"Twi sent ya a message."

"I'll check it in a moment, darling."

"I should probably send her an actual message so she doesn't get suspicious."

Celestia shook her head.

"No, don't, it'll come up like you sent her two. Besides, we brought you here to make Rarijack canon."

Twilight nodded, tapping her muzzle with her hoof.

"What's allowed? Love potion?"

"No."

"Enchantments?"

"No."

"Spells?"

"No."

"Roofies?"

"Back up plan."

"Oh."

Discord nodded, and he pointed at Rarity, who was coming into the room.

She grabbed her phone in her magic and unlocked it.

"There's nothing here. She probably accidentally sent it to me."

Applejack, who wasn't actually listening, nodded and got up.

"It's been fun, Rares-"

"Don't call me that."

"But Ah really do hafta go."

She blinked.

"Preferably to a hospital."

Rarity pouted.

"What about our sleepover?"

Applejack furrowed her brow.

"Ya don't actually want t'have that with me, do ya?"

Rarity looked at her incredulously.

"Why not?"

Applejack stood up on all four hooves and returned the look.

"Why would ya? We're hardly friends, why would we have a sleepover willingly?"

Rarity suddenly sighed and slumped. Celestia bit the tips of her hooves in worry. Discord teleported a box of popcorn. Twilight stole a mouthful and shoved it into her mouth.

"I know. I know. It's just- why can't we? I mean, we only fight so much because we don't know each other well enough!"

"Or maybe 'cause we know each other too well?"

"You say that like its a bad thing!"

"That's 'cause it is! That's exactly what it is, any ya know it!"

"Oh, please, now you're overreacting!"

"Am Ah? No, think about it! We do nothing but offend each other an' fight! Heck, sometimes Ah'm afraid to see you incase you judge me! Ah never cared about it before! But there Ah am, making sure mah hooves are clean, mah hair is brushed, mah hat is clean, cause Ah know that if Ah see you, you're gonna judge me for it. 'Cause Ah can honestly say you're the most judgemental pony Ah ever had the bad luck t'meet!"

"You want a fight? I'll show you a real complaint! You know what, Applejack? Don't think you get special treatment, because I'm just trying to make you at least semi presentable for everyone around us, so they don't have to cringe when they see you! You could actually look nice, if you didn't hide behind that stupid fringe and hat!"

"Like would ever understand..."

Rarity opened her mouth to argue, but limpened and dropped onto the sofa instead.

"When did we get like this?"

Applejack's face dropped, and her body soon followed.

"Ah don't know, sugarcube, Ah don't know."

Discord looked at the mares beside him.

"Perhaps we should try this another day?"

The two mares nodded, and they all disappeared.

Applejack looked up.

"D'ya think they're gone?"

Rarity slowly got up.

"Definitely."

Applejack let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank Celestia. Can ya imagine whut would happen if they found out?"

Rarity nodded vigorously, but a sly smile graced her lips.

"Just incase, perhaps we should have make-up sex?"

Applejack nodded.

"Definitely. Just incase!"

She lifted Rarity in her forelegs and placed her on the sofa before making love to her."

Discord looked up at his audience. Celesta had a huge grin on her face, Twilight was open mouthed, Dash had gotten a wingboner, Fluttershy hid under the table, and Pinkie was... Well, let's not say what Pinkie was doing.

He looked at Applejack and Rarity, who he had made sure to tape together facing eachother before he started, at one point duck taping Applejack's mouth shut. Both were red in the face, Applejack more so than Rarity.

He finally looked at the birthday girl, Luna, who had begun clapping.

"Thou hast impressed us! We demandeth thou to make more of these fanfics! And thou must tape the Orange one and the marshmallow together more often! It is hilarious!"

Discord simply grinned.

"Anytime! Happy Birthday!"

Author's Notes:

Deleted scene:
Discord looked at Twilight.
"Do you have dirt on all of your friends?"

She nodded.

"Do you have any one me?"

"Silly Discord! I said I had dirt on my friends!"

I spent years on this. Okay, the idea was sitting in my notes for a month and I finally decided to write it. Same difference.