“Hey Twi, I heard there were new creatures in town!” hollers Rainbow Dash as she barges into her friend’s home. Inside, she sees the group of seven, along with Twilight, Spike, and Applejack. Twilight, the Hunter, and the Spy were writing.

“Ay, shush lass!” says the Demoman. “We’re writing our contract to the bloody Princess.”

“Twi, who are these ponies?” asks Rainbow.

“Well,” says Twilight. “These are new defenders of Ponyville. The five making the contract are mercenaries, and the one directly writing the letter is Samus, a bounty hunter. The stranger one is U-Mos, a sentinel of his people.”

“Not certain if I like that mercenary…” says Rainbow, in reference to Demoman.

“I ensure you, if I wanted ye dead, they would have to bury what’s left of ya in a soup-can!” he intrudes, a bit angry at the cyan horse.

“You think you’re better than me?” she asks.

“I think I could outpace ye with me eye closed and me chest cut open!” He takes out his Sticky Jumper and prepares for a race. He and Soldier used to race like this all the time in the Badlands, the only difference was Soldier using the Rocket Jumper.

“Ha! I’m the fastest flyer in Ponyville! Plus, you don’t even have wings!”

Engineer overheard this and knew where this was going. “Demo, go on. Just go easy on her.”

“Lass, I might not be able te fly,” he taunts. “But I can jump-n-glide with me parachute and bombs pretty damn far.”

The ponies in room, Samus, and U-Mos all gasped. The prospect of bombs for propulsion sounded suicidal.

“Don’t worry, they don’t hurt me none. They aren’t filled with anything harmful enough to hurt a fly, just send that fly so high it’ll suffocate on ozone.”

“I like your moxie,” she says. “Let’s go!” She darts out the door, the Demoman running behind her.

“WELCOME MARES AND GENTLECOLTS!!!” shouts Pinkie Pie to a small crowd. Demo was going to fire a few practice stickie rounds, but when he tried to fire she came out of the launcher. He assumed it was bloody pony magic, but then he saw the confused face on the flyer. After they briefed her, she ran off, and less than five minutes later a crowd had gathered at their intended starting point near the Everfree forest.

“COMPETITOR ONE NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION, RAINBOW DASH!!!” The crowd cheers a good bit, but is confused by, well, the weird challenger.

“AND NOW, COMPETITOR TWO, THE SCOTTISH CYCLOPS, THE KNIGHT OF ULLAPOOL-”

How’d she know where I was from? Demoman thinks.

“TAVISH DEGROOT, AKA DEMOMAN!!!”

He waves to the crowd, and a little applause is there. Not much for the Scotsman.

“THE RACE WILL BE FROM THIS STARTING LINE,” She gestures to a line made in the dirt in front of the competitors. “TO THE CENTER OF THE TOWN.”

“ON YOUR MARK…” she yells.

“Wish ya luck, you’re gonna need it.” says the pegasus.

“GET SET…”

Demoman lays down two sticky bombs. “You’re gonna need it.”

“GO!!!”

Demo instantly launches himself with the stickies faster than the eye can track. It was a perfect sticky-jump, with a far leaps, at least 300 yards, and leaves Dash in the dust. However, he takes a second to prepare another sprint, allowing her to catch up a bit. However, towards the finish line there was a sound similar to one of the Demo’s bomb going off, only much louder. Demo was in the lead, so he didn’t worry, one more stickyjump…

And then Rainbow passed him.

“OCH!!” says the Demo, obviously worried. He jumps once more, and…

The duo cross the line at the same time.

“That wasn’t supposed ta happen!” says the Scotsman.

“Eh, you win some you lose some right?” says Rainbow.

“I guess ya right, lass. I just got a wee bit confused by that.”

“Yeah, I’m shocked those bombs made ya almost as fast as me.”

“Well I need ask ya somethin’. I got a small problem see.”

“What is it?”

“Well I kinda don’t have a place to stay yet.”

“You can stay with me in Cloudsdale! We just need to get a spell to let you walk on the clouds.”

“Great! Now I got a place ta stay. But it’s about time I get back to the contract tho.” He sets up his bombs, and jumps in the direction of the castle.

Spy was finishing up the contract, and each of the mercenaries were ready to sign. It had been half an hour since Samus had finished her letter, but Spy wanted to write his own letter to go along the contract. The five mercenaries sign the contract, and Spy prepares to leave for God knows where.

“Mademoiselle Twilight,” says Spy. “I was wondering if you knew where we could possibly obtain clothing. My suit hasn’t exactly faired well in the woods.” He gestures to a few holes in the sleeves of his suit.

“Actually Spy,” says Sniper. “I found a miss a while back who promised she’d mend my hat,” He points to his hatless head. “Perhaps she’d make you a new suit. You even seem like her type a bit…” He laughs, and the other three mercenaries knew to stifle their laughter.

“Monsieur Mundy.” says Spy, staring him dead in the eyes. “Shut. The fuck. Up.”

“Eh, I’m sorry mate. Thought you’d like the piss!” He throws a jar of Jarate at him.

“I HATE YOU.” He shouts, and runs up and shoots Mundy with his Ambassador before backstabbing the Australian.

“Why’d you do that?” asks Twilight, shocked again by the outburst of violence.

“If you knew what was in that jar, you would have done the same thing.”

“What was in it?”

“The bushman’s piss. Now I definitely need a new suit…” He runs off, leaving a speechless Twilight behind, towards where he saw a river by the woods, and washes the crap out of his clothes. He makes sure no one is around for his balaclava, as his face is the one thing he didn’t want seen, so he could not be recognized. But as he was washing the balaclava, the waters in the river begin to rumble violently. The waters almost parted, and out from the water rose a purple sea serpent… with flamboyant hair and an equally flamboyant mustache.

“Ahh!” screams the man, grabbing his revolver and shooting the beast.

“Hey! That tickles, but you damaged one of my fine scales with that thing.” The serpent plucks out a single, dented scale.

“What the hell are you!??!” says the astonished man.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I get reactions a lot from first timers. I’m Steven Magnet, a river serpent. And you are?”

“Call me Spy,” he says, placing back on his balaclava after seeing the creature was not trying to eat him. “I was about to look for a place where I could purchase a new suit.”

“Of course, your current suit is hideous with all those holes in it. It also had a smell while you were washing it…”

“I would rather not talk about that.”

“Okay then, I know a place where you can get a new suit though. It’s the Carousel Boutique in the center of town. Just let me grab my water cart down here…” The serpent dives into the river, and pulls out a crank powered cart with water in the basin.

“So, may I ask how you can breathe air and speak if you confined to the water?” asks the confused Spy.

“I breathe fine out of water, it’s just the delicate male anatomy that needs constant exposure. Wouldn’t want to lose that, now would I?”

Spy remembers the point where the blue Scout killed him one of the worse ways for a man to die, and of course sympathizes while the walk towards the town.

“I know what you mean…”

“Oh…” says the serpent.

“I almost lost them. Came real close. Damn Scout…”

“Let’s get back to getting that suit for you, I’m certain you’ll look fabulous in it!” They walk up to the Carousel Boutique. “However, I can’t really go in, I don’t quite fit. Tell the unicorn running the shop that I sent you.”

“Okay, I can manage from here.” He walks in the store, seeing a white unicorn with a flawless purple mane.

“Hello, welcome to the Carousel-” She stops mid sentence when she realizes it’s another one of the creatures from before, except this one was different from the others.

“Bonjour?” Qui êtes-vous, mademoiselle?” He noticed the difference in class of the location, and hoped perhaps someone spoke his native tongue.

“I am Rarity, and you are?” she asks, understanding him perfectly.

“I am simply known as Spy. I am afraid I am in need of a new suit, and this shop was recommended to me by the serpent Steven.”

“Ah, he is a good friend of mine-” She gasps when she notices the ragged suit the Spy was wearing. “Please, allow me to make you a new suit free of charge, your current suit definitely needs a fix.”

“Excellent. Also, I was wondering if you knew of a place I could stay.”

“You can stay here, if you’d like.” She says, but then the two hear raucous laughter outside. Spy runs out and see Sniper paying the Engineer twenty bits.

“What the hell are you two doing here?”

“Spy, that’s the mare I was telling you about, you bloody bloke!” cackles Mr. Mundy.

“Also, why did I see you pay Engineer?”

“I bet you would go upstairs with things, and Engie said you’d catch on way before that happened. He won, obviously.”

“If I weren’t bored with killing, I would kill you in a very creative way Mr. Mundy. Involving your posterior, my gun, and my knife. Now, I do not know about you, but I need a drink after this. Let us hit the town and find a bar. Or at least raid the stash I know Demo has set up at Mademoiselle Rainbow’s house.”

Author's Notes: